Interactive worksheets about bipolar disorder

Hi,
I have marked most imporant parts as how long I use each meds in what dose, info of me, my questions, supplements used, nootropics thinking of, new meds for panic disorder treatment, plan to quit benzos, asking about Memantine. If you want, here is whole story and treatment:) Thx I have a lifetime nonmedicated ADHD + OCD (will finally have atomoexin in july after like 8 docs) but mainly severe panic disorder since 12/23 caused by badly burning out and not stopping work + too much stress from all sides, mostly family and workspace/company. It started close to xmas and wanted to finish year and worked until my body completely disabled to it to me but right after it came xmas, which is not my fav time of year ending in keeping me in attacks 24/7. Btw Im 29yo man, 193cm, 90kg, sporting, financial advisor solo businessman, living alone, used to be really busy all the time, multiple addictions behind me mostly because depression (alcohol),pain (kratom) and stimulants bcs its so addictive with adhd :D But I dont abuse anything since 02/23 when I barely survived WD from forced CT a lot of alcohol every day and I want to be healthy and drugs free!
I am currently getting off xanax and on SSRI, starting my new recovery plan below as previous didnt help enough and asking if you know anything that could help me get my full life back sooner I work as I can/want, mostly 2-6 h/day and only from home, going to multiple types of therapy, investing insane money to get recovered and looking for every possible way. I am open for any tip or suggestion on nootropic, peptide, maybe even SARMs that could help me get over this. Even if you dont have time or dont want to read all previous treatment and new plan and have idea what could help me, write it please. But I have to be careful with anything interacts with SSRI as I will be also on buspar, I have a safe med for serotonin syndrome if needed.. Also if you see gaps or risks in my meds plan, some ideas, useful info or better ways, I will be glad to know it:) Mostly about Memantine - when to use, in which part of protocol it will be most beneficial or what to expect.
I use/tried almost every useful supplement including adaptogens, herbs, expensive vitamins, mushrooms, gotu kola, NAC, tyrosine, inositol and just anything that could be useful + basics use all year. Also have Alpha GPC which made my adhd brain supercomputer before I got beaten but now doesnt work. Tried before noopept and a lot of racetams, idra21 and some more but with no effect and modafinil before with effect, but mostly anxiety, too much concentrating on one thing and severe insomnia.
I am already pretty sure about Agmatine, Sulbutiamine instead of Benfotiamine (any difference?), not sure of Bromantane on ssri (?), 9-me is no go, maybe NALT (?), Theacrine as Im tired from SSRI all the time and too much coffee makes me axnious, maybe Vinpocetine or Uridine triacetate? centrophenoxine? dihexa?
My treatment from december to now:
I had no idea wth is this, told my psychologist what is happening to me and asking many times if its serious and casually replied that is probably from stress. So I treated it as burnout by resting, then removing original causes and triggers, removing problems from my mind and life, reducing stress to minimum, even leaving my pretty good paid job after 9 yers. But nothing helped besides benzos which made me not feel attacks so much and when I went off after 6 weeks, symptoms came back the same day.
I always said no to ADs but this time I didnt see any other option so I got SSRI citalopram 20, later 30mg now 6 weeks, first weeks were hell of anxiety and tiredness, last 2 weeks they help but effect is enough to keep me attack free only at home, outside flat still almost instant PA + side effects are still bad.
Same with benzos now again for 6 weeks afte break from previous cycle, mostly xanax 1,5-2mg a day, when Im home with no problems I can stay on 0,5mg with no WD. But want to quit asap, Im standing on the edge of little discomfort or living hell WDs. Also it makes me dumb, careless and not caring, but dont have cravings or abuse them, until now there was no other medication in my country :/ Also I already had GABA WDs pretty bad from alcohol many times and from phenibut in february by mistake (3 weeks of 2-3x a week before I had benzos). I would rather skip this opportunity to be on boat walking simulator with scary shadowy guy in my bedroom.
Next week I will make a big changes:
Will to add Buspar in small doses to SSRI, probably 30mg citalopram + 2x7,5mg buspar for long term and propranolol over benzos before I leave flat for panic attacks - I have mostly physical symptoms and over these months my brain has learned to go panic mode when I go around people or noise but im not scared, wanting to hide or anxious, want to go out. Hope this will allow me to relearn the BIOS of my brain and body they wont start panicking as it has learned over months of nonstop attack (january until end of april, just moving on scale 1-10 but never off). Propranolon as beta-blocker should not allow my body to go panic defense mode and mental anxiety I can handle now. My mind is still quite ok, not much depressed or in bad mood, last days even thinking a bit sharper and can handle it but body/brain program are stuck. Hope this will allow me over time to get off SSRI to just Buspar + non addictive anxiety aid as needed or at least switch to SNRI or Wellbutrin as im energetic person but with this SSRI im meeeeeeeh all the time.
As propranolon arrives I will cut benzos to lowest dosage where I wont feel WD, probably 0,5mg/day and switch to Clonazepam (have benzos and can ask doc anytime), keep this dose for 2-3 weeks, taper to 0,35mg, wait and this until i go down around 0,2mg/day. Maybe slower if it will be painful or risk worse WDs when i cut them off.
For quitting benzos I have clonidine (WD reduce, camling, ADHD), pregabalin (GABA substance replacement, anti seizure but addictive), baclofen (GABA substance replacement, anti seizure also addictive)), Etifoxine (nonbenzo anxiolytics, I guess mostly PAWS) and Topiramate (seizure and migraine prevention, WD reduce) and Hydroxyzine (sleepy antihistamine nonaddictive) to get off them asap with no risk seizure and suffering for weeks in terrible WDs. I wont use all the aids together but as needed for current symptoms and not get hooked on none of them as only atarax is safe.
Also finally will get ADHD meds atomoxetin, but as I have no energy, even adhd is not so present and clonidine also helps for adhd. And I have found one super special med you will be interested about- Memantine (bgpharm), do you have experiences about this so called miracle drug? It make you feel softly with unlimited brain power, also it shall lower tolerances to almost all substances and by 30-60% over 7-14 days and then make WDs easier + also helps ADHD. But have no idea when to use it in my plan, I got 2 packs and its cheap so can buy more but dont want to mess with getting off bzs and learning to manage going out. Same question with atomoxetin - when to start? its not stimulant so it should not affect attacks nor benzo WD but idk.
Just in case there would be too much serotonin I will have Cyproheptadine for SS. It should not happen from SSRI+Buspiron but some nootropic or WD med can cause it. And just remembered I shall take some ephedrine/yohimbine if my BP or HB goes too slow from propranolon/clonidine... :/
I will still go for checks to doc and psychiatrist but the medical procedures in my country got stuck in time in year when producers of SSRI/benzos gave some gifts for doctors or politics. So they just give you this combo announcing you it will work (didnt) and you wont get addicted in 3 months of xan (would). Also propranolon is not approved med for anxiety in my county, only bzds and buspirone, but after trying several ADs on you :/
Thank you so much for any knowledge you share with me!

Hi,
I have marked most imporant parts as how long I use each meds in what dose, info of me, my questions, supplements used, nootropics thinking of, new meds for panic disorder treatment, plan to quit benzos, advice about Memantine. If you want, there is whole story and treatment:) Thx I have a lifetime nonmedicated ADHD + OCD (will finally have atomoexin in july after like 8 docs) but mainly severe panic disorder since 12/23 caused by badly burning out and not stopping work + too much stress from all sides, mostly family and workspace/company. It started close to xmas and wanted to finish year and worked until my body completely disabled to it to me but right after it came xmas, which is not my fav time of year ending in keeping me in attacks 24/7. Btw Im 29yo man, 193cm, 90kg, sporting, financial advisor self employed, living alone, used to be really busy all the time, multiple addictions behind me mostly because depression (alcohol),pain (kratom) and stimulants bcs its so addictive with adhd :D But I dont abuse anything since 02/23 when I barely survived WD from forced CT a lot of alcohol every day and I want to be healthy and drugs free!
I am currently getting off xanax and on SSRI, starting my new recovery plan below as previous didnt help enough and asking if you know anything that could help me get my full life back sooner I work as I can/want, mostly 2-6 h/day and only from home, going to multiple types of therapy, investing insane money to get recovered and looking for every possible way. I am open for any tip or advice on nootropic, peptide, maybe even SARMs that could help me get over this. Even if you dont have time or dont want to read all previous treatment and new plan and have idea what could help me, write it please. But I have to be careful with anything interacts with SSRI as I will be also on buspar, I have a safe med for serotonin syndrome if needed.. Also if you see gaps or risks in my meds plan, some ideas, useful info or better ways, I will be glad to know it:) Mostly about Memantine - when to use, in which part of protocol it will be most beneficial or what to expect.
I use/tried almost every useful supplement including adaptogens, herbs, expensive vitamins, mushrooms, gotu kola, NAC, tyrosine, inositol and just anything that could be useful + basics use all year. Also have Alpha GPC which made my adhd brain supercomputer before I got beaten but now doesnt work. Tried before noopept and a lot of racetams, idra21 and some more but with no effect and modafinil before with effect, but mostly anxiety, too much concentrating on one thing and severe insomnia.
I am already pretty sure about Agmatine, Sulbutiamine instead of Benfotiamine (any difference?), not sure of Bromantane on ssri (?), 9-me is no go, maybe NALT (?), Theacrine as Im tired from SSRI all the time and too much coffee makes me axnious, maybe Vinpocetine or Uridine triacetate? centrophenoxine? dihexa?
My treatment from december to now:
I had no idea wth is this, told my psychologist what is happening to me and asking many times if its serious and casually replied that is probably from stress. So I treated it as burnout by resting, then removing original causes and triggers, removing problems from my mind and life, reducing stress to minimum, even leaving my pretty good paid job after 9 yers. But nothing helped besides benzos which made me not feel attacks so much and when I went off after 6 weeks, symptoms came back the same day.
I always said no to ADs but this time I didnt see any other option so I got SSRI citalopram 20, later 30mg now 6 weeks, first weeks were hell of anxiety and tiredness, last 2 weeks they help but effect is enough to keep me attack free only at home, outside flat still almost instant PA + side effects are still bad.
Same with benzos now again for 6 weeks afte break from previous cycle, mostly xanax 1,5-2mg a day, when Im home with no problems I can stay on 0,5mg with no WD. But want to quit asap, Im standing on the edge of little discomfort or living hell WDs. Also it makes me dumb, careless and not caring, but dont have cravings or abuse them, until now there was no other medication in my country :/ Also I already had GABA WDs pretty bad from alcohol many times and from phenibut in february by mistake (3 weeks of 2-3x a week before I had benzos). I would rather skip this opportunity to be on boat walking simulator with scary shadowy guy in my bedroom.
Next week I will make a big changes:
Will to add Buspar in small doses to SSRI, probably 30mg citalopram + 2x7,5mg buspar for long term and propranolol over benzos before I leave flat for panic attacks - I have mostly physical symptoms and over these months my brain has learned to go panic mode when I go around people or noise but im not scared, wanting to hide or anxious, want to go out. Hope this will allow me to relearn the BIOS of my brain and body they wont start panicking as it has learned over months of nonstop attack (january until end of april, just moving on scale 1-10 but never off). Propranolon as beta-blocker should not allow my body to go panic defense mode and mental anxiety I can handle now. My mind is still quite ok, not much depressed or in bad mood, last days even thinking a bit sharper and can handle it but body/brain program are stuck. Hope this will allow me over time to get off SSRI to just Buspar + non addictive anxiety aid as needed or at least switch to SNRI or Wellbutrin as im energetic person but with this SSRI im meeeeeeeh all the time.
As propranolon arrives I will cut benzos to lowest dosage where I wont feel WD, probably 0,5mg/day and switch to Clonazepam (have benzos and can ask doc anytime), keep this dose for 2-3 weeks, taper to 0,35mg, wait and this until i go down around 0,2mg/day. Maybe slower if it will be painful or risk worse WDs when i cut them off.
For quitting benzos I have clonidine (WD reduce, camling, ADHD), pregabalin (GABA substance replacement, anti seizure but addictive), baclofen (GABA substance replacement, anti seizure also addictive)), Etifoxine (nonbenzo anxiolytics, I guess mostly PAWS) and Topiramate (seizure and migraine prevention, WD reduce) and Hydroxyzine (sleepy antihistamine nonaddictive) to get off them asap with no risk seizure and suffering for weeks in terrible WDs. I wont use all the aids together but as needed for current symptoms and not get hooked on none of them as only atarax is safe.
Also finally will get ADHD meds atomoxetin, but as I have no energy, even adhd is not so present and clonidine also helps for adhd. And I have found one super special med you will be interested about- Memantine (bgpharm), do you have experiences about this so called miracle drug? It make you feel softly with unlimited brain power, also it shall lower tolerances to almost all substances and by 30-60% over 7-14 days and then make WDs easier + also helps ADHD. But have no idea when to use it in my plan, I got 2 packs and its cheap so can buy more but dont want to mess with getting off bzs and learning to manage going out. Same question with atomoxetin - when to start? its not stimulant so it should not affect attacks nor benzo WD but idk.
Just in case there would be too much serotonin I will have Cyproheptadine for SS. It should not happen from SSRI+Buspiron but some nootropic or WD med can cause it. And just remembered I shall take some ephedrine/yohimbine if my BP or HB goes too slow from propranolon/clonidine... :/
I will still go for checks to doc and psychiatrist but the medical procedures in my country got stuck in time in year when producers of SSRI/benzos gave some gifts for doctors or politics. So they just give you this combo announcing you it will work (didnt) and you wont get addicted in 3 months of xan (would). Also propranolon is not approved med for anxiety in my county, only bzds and buspirone, but after trying several ADs on you :/
Thank you so much for any knowledge you share with me!

Hi,
I have marked most imporant parts as how long I use each meds in what dose, info of me, my questions, supplements used, nootropics thinking of, new meds for panic disorder treatment, plan to quit benzos, advice about Memantine. If you want, there is whole story and treatment:) Thx I have a lifetime nonmedicated ADHD + OCD (will finally have atomoexin in july after like 8 docs) but mainly severe panic disorder since 12/23 caused by badly burning out and not stopping work + too much stress from all sides, mostly family and workspace/company. It started close to xmas and wanted to finish year and worked until my body completely disabled to it to me but right after it came xmas, which is not my fav time of year ending in keeping me in attacks 24/7. Btw Im 29yo man, 193cm, 90kg, sporting, financial advisor self employed, living alone, used to be really busy all the time, multiple addictions behind me mostly because depression (alcohol),pain (kratom) and stimulants bcs its so addictive with adhd :D But I dont abuse anything since 02/23 when I barely survived WD from forced CT a lot of alcohol every day and I want to be healthy and drugs free!
I am currently getting off xanax and on SSRI, starting my new recovery plan below as previous didnt help enough and asking if you know anything that could help me get my full life back sooner I work as I can/want, mostly 2-6 h/day and only from home, going to multiple types of therapy, investing insane money to get recovered and looking for every possible way. I am open for any tip or advice on nootropic, peptide, maybe even SARMs that could help me get over this. Even if you dont have time or dont want to read all previous treatment and new plan and have idea what could help me, write it please. But I have to be careful with anything interacts with SSRI as I will be also on buspar, I have a safe med for serotonin syndrome if needed.. Also if you see gaps or risks in my meds plan, some ideas, useful info or better ways, I will be glad to know it:) Mostly about Memantine - when to use, in which part of protocol it will be most beneficial or what to expect.
I use/tried almost every useful supplement including adaptogens, herbs, expensive vitamins, mushrooms, gotu kola, NAC, tyrosine, inositol and just anything that could be useful + basics use all year. Also have Alpha GPC which made my adhd brain supercomputer before I got beaten but now doesnt work. Tried before noopept and a lot of racetams, idra21 and some more but with no effect and modafinil before with effect, but mostly anxiety, too much concentrating on one thing and severe insomnia.
I am already pretty sure about Agmatine, Sulbutiamine instead of Benfotiamine (any difference?), not sure of Bromantane on ssri (?), 9-me is no go, maybe NALT (?), Theacrine as Im tired from SSRI all the time and too much coffee makes me axnious, maybe Vinpocetine or Uridine triacetate? centrophenoxine? dihexa?
My treatment from december to now:
I had no idea wth is this, told my psychologist what is happening to me and asking many times if its serious and casually replied that is probably from stress. So I treated it as burnout by resting, then removing original causes and triggers, removing problems from my mind and life, reducing stress to minimum, even leaving my pretty good paid job after 9 yers. But nothing helped besides benzos which made me not feel attacks so much and when I went off after 6 weeks, symptoms came back the same day.
I always said no to ADs but this time I didnt see any other option so I got SSRI citalopram 20, later 30mg now 6 weeks, first weeks were hell of anxiety and tiredness, last 2 weeks they help but effect is enough to keep me attack free only at home, outside flat still almost instant PA + side effects are still bad.
Same with benzos now again for 6 weeks afte break from previous cycle, mostly xanax 1,5-2mg a day, when Im home with no problems I can stay on 0,5mg with no WD. But want to quit asap, Im standing on the edge of little discomfort or living hell WDs. Also it makes me dumb, careless and not caring, but dont have cravings or abuse them, until now there was no other medication in my country :/ Also I already had GABA WDs pretty bad from alcohol many times and from phenibut in february by mistake (3 weeks of 2-3x a week before I had benzos). I would rather skip this opportunity to be on boat walking simulator with scary shadowy guy in my bedroom.
Next week I will make a big changes:
Will to add Buspar in small doses to SSRI, probably 30mg citalopram + 2x7,5mg buspar for long term and propranolol over benzos before I leave flat for panic attacks - I have mostly physical symptoms and over these months my brain has learned to go panic mode when I go around people or noise but im not scared, wanting to hide or anxious, want to go out. Hope this will allow me to relearn the BIOS of my brain and body they wont start panicking as it has learned over months of nonstop attack (january until end of april, just moving on scale 1-10 but never off). Propranolon as beta-blocker should not allow my body to go panic defense mode and mental anxiety I can handle now. My mind is still quite ok, not much depressed or in bad mood, last days even thinking a bit sharper and can handle it but body/brain program are stuck. Hope this will allow me over time to get off SSRI to just Buspar + non addictive anxiety aid as needed or at least switch to SNRI or Wellbutrin as im energetic person but with this SSRI im meeeeeeeh all the time.
As propranolon arrives I will cut benzos to lowest dosage where I wont feel WD, probably 0,5mg/day and switch to Clonazepam (have benzos and can ask doc anytime), keep this dose for 2-3 weeks, taper to 0,35mg, wait and this until i go down around 0,2mg/day. Maybe slower if it will be painful or risk worse WDs when i cut them off.
For quitting benzos I have clonidine (WD reduce, camling, ADHD), pregabalin (GABA substance replacement, anti seizure but addictive), baclofen (GABA substance replacement, anti seizure also addictive)), Etifoxine (nonbenzo anxiolytics, I guess mostly PAWS) and Topiramate (seizure and migraine prevention, WD reduce) and Hydroxyzine (sleepy antihistamine nonaddictive) to get off them asap with no risk seizure and suffering for weeks in terrible WDs. I wont use all the aids together but as needed for current symptoms and not get hooked on none of them as only atarax is safe.
Also finally will get ADHD meds atomoxetin, but as I have no energy, even adhd is not so present and clonidine also helps for adhd. And I have found one super special med you will be interested about- Memantine (bgpharm), do you have experiences about this so called miracle drug? It make you feel softly with unlimited brain power, also it shall lower tolerances to almost all substances and by 30-60% over 7-14 days and then make WDs easier + also helps ADHD. But have no idea when to use it in my plan, I got 2 packs and its cheap so can buy more but dont want to mess with getting off bzs and learning to manage going out. Same question with atomoxetin - when to start? its not stimulant so it should not affect attacks nor benzo WD but idk.
Just in case there would be too much serotonin I will have Cyproheptadine for SS. It should not happen from SSRI+Buspiron but some nootropic or WD med can cause it. And just remembered I shall take some ephedrine/yohimbine if my BP or HB goes too slow from propranolon/clonidine... :/
I will still go for checks to doc and psychiatrist but the medical procedures in my country got stuck in time in year when producers of SSRI/benzos gave some gifts for doctors or politics. So they just give you this combo announcing you it will work (didnt) and you wont get addicted in 3 months of xan (would). Also propranolon is not approved med for anxiety in my county, only bzds and buspirone, but after trying several ADs on you :/
Thank you so much for any knowledge you share with me!

Hi guys,
I've had this in my mind for about a year now.... so I know its not just a manic thread 🤣
I have a history of bipolardisorder, autism, adhd and borderline personality disorder in my family... as you can imagine everyone in my family doesn't have everyone of these but it's an interesting mix to say the least!
So.... I know we've all had struggles trying to relate to the dreaded DSM and death by Google. I would like to propose something new.
I want to write a real book based on real stories of how bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder actually affect people's lives.
No specifics, no identification, just real stories.
Who's in?

Mark as you can tell the situation at work has been growing increasingly more tense day by day. You have expressed concern with my performance, I have been making attempts to improve. Yet I see a lack of concern with the issues I have expressed to you. At the moment of writing this latter I have been operating for 2 months with Frank and Devin as members of my WR team. I have expressed concern about having Mike taken away from WR before this has become “the norm”. As you know he is a valuable team member due to the knowledge he accumulated from working with the company for a long period of time. I found it acceptable for Jack to barrow him on an occasion for help when needed (now I understand that perhaps I have been way to linnet when it comes to this). You have expressed that there were days when you had only 3 team members (perhaps you were including yourself in the count). I can see how complaining about a lack of team members for 2-4 days can seem childish, 1 week can be written off as an unfortunate set of circumstances (maybe there is an audit coming up, maybe a higher up visitor from the company). At 2 weeks this begins to raise some concern (perhaps the buys season is upon us and we are training up new team members that we just hired). 3 weeks a MONTH is getting very frustrating (at this point all kinds of explanations are rapidly deteriorating). One would begin to ask himself “why has this been happening for so long?” or “Am I being taken advantage off”. I see the XDock team expand, I see yours and Bella’s team expand, but there isn’t even a whisper of my team expanding or even returning to the usual size. I have been working as a Supervisor and a Bagger with no compensation for the fact that I am preforming a job 2 people. It is only now that my base pay has risen 10 cents above what is offered to new team members who join with no experience. There are people on 1st shift making 22.50$/hr. Working 3rd shift should have a significantly larger compensation (working 3rd is unnatural, not only dose it derail a person’s day to day life, but it is also more stressful). You wouldn’t want nor be able to work 3rd shift. (As a man with a family) At the same time whilst I’m down a team member you have made strides to expand my responsibility as a supervisor (I understand where you are coming from, the buys season is here, the workload for everyone has expanded, you are not able to complete tasks leftover by me or anyone else) But I believe that the timing of this is wrong, you should not have thrown more responsibly on me as a supervisor while I’m already doing the workload of 2 people for a prolonged period of time. I would like to remind you that unlike Bella or Tim I didn’t spend 1-2 weeks shadowing a person in this position. I was thrusted into working as Supervisor with no prior training. You have taken time to show me how to bill out SunSets, kick out an empty flatbed, call in a compactor exchange etc… But learning a task is better done in person (what I mean is this should be done when I can see it happen, not a hypothetical scenario of billing out a flatbed which I never see picked up, I see what I’m supposed to do on my end but I can’t tell if it is done correctly because I have no interaction with a person on the other end) All the tasks like billing out a partial pallet or Dock 69/72, which involve using AniTa(which is outdated and not intuitive program) should be in a binder as a step by step guide for a new or existing supervisors as a reference point .(Like we have done with Sunset, and PRA allocations). I feel that there is a lack of understanding when it comes to expectations. I am held to the same standards as 1st and 2nd shift whilst having a considerably worse team and less resources. What I mean by less resources? I am not completely sure how accurate my information is, but during 3rd shift the number of departments that are operational is cut in half, I believe that there is us the WR, Xdock, Block and Bagging. For a long period of time, we didn’t have a maintenance team (now that we have CJ it is better, but there are still nights when we have issues and he is nowhere to be found, you can ask Scott from bagging about this). We didn’t have a Yard horse driver until recently (although we do have one now, the WR is always last on his priority list, there have been nights where move on a Sunset has been put in before I even got here and wasn’t touched all night) In general, there is a feeling that WR is not important in comparison to other areas on the plant. We are the ones who have to give up the things that we have to others, be it team members, lifts, access to assistance from maintenance team, we always seem to come last. What I mean by a considerably worse team? Me and you had a conversation about this outside couple of months ago. I believe I used an expression “I am given everyone’s bad Appels but expected to make orange juice” I believe you laughed when I said that maybe you didn’t understand what I meant. First Mike while he is useful and knowledgeable when it comes to Bagging, he is very difficult to work with. He has gone from one site to another because of that reason. He drags his feet when asked to do something, or avoids doing it all together, or assigns other team members to do the tasks for him. He leaves the plant without letting me know to complete other tasks instead of cleaning. Recently with him coming to stay 10:30pm-12:00am to join his brother outside he has gotten even worse. He will come and spent 30 minutes talking to Devin then to Rob then to other team members, he might complete 1 bagging load. When asked to do anything else he takes a 10-minute break by that time it is already 11:40pm and he leaves. (At this point I would rather not have him here; he would be way more useful if he was outside taking mulch pallets left by 2nd shift or Clamp Hand Staking on Xdock). Second Frank. We had many conversations about him and his performance. To give you credit you have been very tolerant of him and when asked you did help(example being the new cameras, potential improvement coming to the Pallet Sorter). I have spoken to you about him falling asleep for 2-5 seconds at a time. I believe that I have told you that he expressed to me that he is suffering from Narcolepsy (A chronic sleep disorder that causes overwhelming drowsiness). We have already seen consciences of that. Most of his accidents involving the Forklift were caused by it. There were multiple times when he has been kicked of the lift for weeks on Xdock. I see this as a very dangerous situation not only for him but the safety of other team members, yet I have not seen any attempts to get this addressed. (He could fall asleep, fall down and hit his head on something) He has been sleeping before heading home as a safety measure to prevent himself from getting into an accident (I believe that’s why he had issues with his previous vehicle and doesn’t wish the same thing to happen to his new one). Devin. I am satisfied with him. He has good communication skills; he completes the tasks assigned to him in a reasonable amount of time. He has expressed to me that he is looking for other jobs (more in the tech sector to match his education). We have been fortunate that he hasn’t left us yet. I have been doing my very best to teach him how to preform different tasks, but I strongly believe that we are starting to push him too far. Now that we don’t have Mike and I have to run the bagging plant. Devin had to step up to pallet sorting during Franks lunch everyday (previously we had a rotation between me, Mike and, Devin). He has been a very good team member but I believe that he had picked up some bad habits primarily from Mike . Recently when I asked him to give me a hand with a clan up in bagging he has avoided coming, and began taking breaks to postpone it until I had no choice to do it all alone (whilst I might have been upset with him at the moment I understood that he has already been doing a lot) Backhallers. They are not backhallers they are Xdock team members which Jack uses to do backhalls. They might complete 4-6 backhalls in a given amount of time, but if Jack needs them for something else they have to do the work he assigns them (because there is an understating that Xdock work is more important). When I ask them to do something they don’t take me seriously unlike you and Bella I have almost no authority over them. If I ask them complete a task and Jack askes them to do something else they have to listen to him as his authority supersedes my (same if you asked me to do something nut if Neel asked me to do something else I would have to listen to him). Between running the bagger and keeping an eye on Frank and Devin and doing the clean up I have no time to watch over them, I have no way of reprimanding them if they do something wrong, but yet I am held accountable for the actions of people I have no power to influence. I can see how I can come off aggressive in this letter, but I am trying to communicate my frustrations with the current state of affairs. This is not an attack on you mark. The only reason I haven’t walked away from this, is out of my respect for you and understanding how difficult of a situation I would be putting the WR plant in. I often find myself asking one question. Why did you make me a supervisor and not someone else? (As I recall Mike was offered this position too). Maybe you chose me because of my good work at the Pallet Sorter, maybe because of my communication skills. But now I find myself pulled by the thought that in me you saw an individual who would do more for less, a sucker who is fine getting pushed around and will do more than what he is getting paid for. Perhaps I am wrong to think in this manner, but as time goes on and I see no attempts to improve this situation I grow increasing more frustrated.

For example, some folks with bpd might also experience anxiety disorders, substance abuse issues, or even psychosis during severe mood episodes. Getting proper treatment and support can help manage bipolar disorder and reduce the risk of complications or other mental health challenges.
It's all about staying on top of things with the right help. Have you faced anything like this?

Hi guys,
I've had this in my mind for about a year now.... so I know its not just a manic thread 🤣
I have a history of bipolardisorder, autism, adhd and borderline personality disorder in my family... as you can imagine everyone in my family doesn't have everyone of these but it's an interesting mix to say the least!
So.... I know we've all had struggles trying to relate to the dreaded DSM and death by Google. I would like to propose something new.
I want to write a real book based on real stories of how bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder actually affect people's lives.
No specifics, no identification, just real stories.
Who's in?

Hi!! This little problem has been on my mind recently, and I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions or ideas on how to not be so upset about it.
For some context, I’m 21 now, and I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 17/18 years old, and a tic disorder and bipolar disorder later that year. Around this time last year, I decided I was going to go through testing and evaluation to see if I also (or if I only) had autism, after compiling a bunch of research and “preliminary” tests that I hoped would help me know how to articulate what is going on in my life in words that wouldn’t make me seem like I was trying to “fake” anything. After (not even) an hour appointment with a psych, I took the tests a week or so later. When I got the results of those tests, the psych essentially said that because of the fact I acted primarily typical in my appointment, she couldn’t give me any diagnosis (including my current ADHD diagnosis) because I hit so many factors in the tests that she believed I was “faking” or trying to force my neurodivergence.
My biggest concern now with all that information is that I now work in an environment where control is hard to obtain, I am constantly overwhelmed from outside sources, and I’m wanting to stick with this job because I love it and the work I do. However, I’m having a hard time rationalizing asking for help or possibly even accommodations because I am worried that without a diagnosis, it won’t be received well. As well as that, because I haven’t gotten any help medically for these situations, I’m not exactly sure what I can do to assist myself in regulation and general accommodation. Does anyone have any tips or advice on these situations? Thank you!
TL;DR: What are some things I can do to help myself regulate and ask for accommodation as an undiagnosed person?

I had a crazy experience today. When to work as a day labourer and they told me to fill out a form to make sure if I had any physical or mental drawbacks. I casually wrote down that I have a bipolar disorder and they immediately made me go home. I was only diagnosed 5 days ago. They would send me a day's worth of salary next week and I came home miserable. I know I shouldn't have wrote such thing down, but I thought that bipolar is not that serious and that it's quite akin to depression. My sister and everyone who cares about me told me not to tell that I'm a bipolar even to your closest friend. Ouch, I have already told one of my friend that I'm such.

i have bipolar disorder type 1 and im currently in a manic episode and im watching it slowly destroy my life. i don’t know what to do. just some background info i went on an 8month bender with coke almost 3 years ago and i stayed sober for a long time. relapsed like maybe 3 times but i never fell back into addiction. something is different this time. i’ve been rapid cycling due to medication changes and i started doing coke again. i try to take a break but only last a day or two. i’m scared i’m gonna fall back into addiction and my boyfriend is scared too it’s starting to affect our relationship. i know i need to stop now but i have really bad impulse control when i’m manic. i’ve already told my psychiatrist about my relapse but there’s only so much she can do. should i go to the mental hospital? i’m not suicidal but i feel like that’s the only way to keep myself from abusing substances. i’m scared. i can’t bring myself to do it but maybe if someone agrees with me i will. i don’t have health insurance rn and i can’t really afford a hospital stay or rehab but i need to help myself before it gets bad. i feel so guilty and i feel like a terrible person. i have so many stressors in my life rn and im trying to find any way to cope with it

For backround, matagal na ko (26F) may bipolar disorder and since highschool ko kilala yung SO (28M) ko. He is aware of all my problems and struggles and he's been my best friend ever since.
Recently, I've been getting better and handling all my challenges really well kahit mag-isa ako and mas self-aware na ko ngayon. Di na ko nagpapadala sa emotions and mas rational na din ako mag-isip. But since I started my journey of taking control of my disorder, napapansin ko na mas nagiging aware na din ako sa mga relationship problems namin.
Important to note, we started out as highschool friends pero he became the boyfriend of my bully. Aware naman sya na inaaway and binubully ako nung girl but dahil naging close kami, I didn't let that get in the way of our friendship since nauna kaming friends before nya jowain yung bully ko lol. Lumayo ako nung naging too much na si girl, but he kept pushing na maging close parin kami, so nung nag break sila mas lalo kami naging close and basically buong buhay ko kwinento ko na sakanya kasi naging mag best friend na din kami. Ilang beses ko na din inamin sakanya before na may gusto ako sakanya but lagi nya ko nirereject kasi di pa daw sya ready, but we didn't let that ruin the friendship. It's an important part of the story kasi I think it'll help build lang yung structure kung san kami nagstart, and bakit ako nagka mental problems in the first place.
Come college, naging mag schoolmate ulit kami and dun ako nakaramdam na parang nirereciprocate na nya yung feelings ko kasi naging sweeter and clingier sya sakin. By the time na on the verge of being together na kami, nagka encounter sya with his ex na muntik may mangyari sakanila, so I cut him off kasi super sakit.
Fast forward, things worked out kasi I realized sya lang yung meron ako in my life that time considering na sya lang yung best friend ko and I reached out again kaya naging kami months or a year after pero super nahirapan ako nung first few years of our relationship kasi may pagkaselfish sya na I had to always be available for intimacy kahit hindi ako pinapayagan ng parents ko lumabas. Ang dami kong adjustment na ginawa for him, mala pumapayag sa mga hindi gusto levels lol. It took years para maging mas selfless sya and eventually we improved and grew so much as a couple na feeling ng lahat ng tao ideal kami for each other.
Nung lumala yung disorder ko, he was there for me through and through until I reached this point na feeling ko I can handle it na. Pero eto yung mahirap na part kasi I learned to love and take care of myself so napapaisip na ko minsan, bakit ganun?
Ilang beses ko na sinabi na I feel left out and lonely kasi lagi sya nakatutok sa phone nya, pero hindi parin nya nacoconsider yung wasted time together namin kasi kahit nagkkwento ako, titingin sya sa phone nya. Ilang beses ko na sinabi na dapat itreat nya ko as a partner talaga especially pag may kailangan sya, pero nagsasarili parin sya, tapos when I get upset kasi hindi sya naging considerate sakin as a partner, feeling nya inaaway ko lang sya and I'm upset for no reason. Ilang beses ko na sinabi sakanya na pag may arguement kami wag nya ko basta iiwan sa ere kasi nagsspiral ako, pero tutulugan nya ko.
Before kasi never ko cinoconsider yung gusto ko, kung okay ba sakin, or if sasaya ba ko, I always just did what would make him happy kasi wala akong love for myself. Ngayon nahanap ko na yung self respect ko and narerealize ko na kung ano yung mga gusto at ayaw ko, and willing na ko ivoice out yun VS dati na oo lang ako ng oo. But don't get me wrong sobrang caring din naman nya, gusto nya inaalagaan nya ko and tinutulungan, he loves doing things for me and kahit pano may adjustments parin syang ginagawa for me.
Medyo mahirap iexplain pero feeling ko kasi it's a MUST na maging stable ako kasi lagi nya sinasabi he'll be happy pag happy na ko, pero ngayon na medyo kinakaya ko na, parang bigla ko nang napapansin na bakit ikaw minor nalang pinapaconsider ko sayo para hindi ako macast aside as a partner, but ilang years ko na brinibring up yung same issues to no avail?
Kaya ko naisip na baka ako yung gago is because I feel selfish na he's been with me and he got me through my darkest times, pero ngayon na umookay ako, nagiging aware na ko bigla sa mga di ko gusto. Yung parang nung nahanap ko self worth ko, biglang ayoko na to deal with his shit? Feeling ko ang sama kong tao kasi tinulungan nya ko for years pero ngayon bigla ko nang napapansin yung things I don't like about our relationship. Gusto ko lang malaman if I am being cruel for thinking na baka kaya pala kami nagwork before is because he is a savior and I needed saving pero ngayong nasasave ko sarili ko biglang hindi pala kami compatible.
Thanks in advance.

Life is supposed to be a 'gift' because of the great relationships (familial or romantic) and friendships we can have.
However, I get little net benefit out of any of these. I'm not talking 'benefit' like money or anything - I'm talking on a purely emotional, connection level. Both of my parents, particularly my father, were abusive. I have a dissociative disorder because of my dad's neglect. I have an eating disorder because of my mother (on 32nd day of water fasting, thanks mum!)
Then there's the romantic 'options' we women have - men have made sex & the visual their entire personality. You're supposed to be grateful for the bare minimum. While the majority of people understand that fathers are neglectful en masse, we haven't, as a society, recognised that straight men have emotionally neglected straight women en masse (because they only care about sex or what they can take - what should be the absolute basics of a relationship - emotional connection and conversation - are seen as 'luxuries' that women are lucky to have, and sure to lose imminently when they turn 30!). I refuse to put 'not all men'. If the moderators remove this, idc. I'm going to write objective truths - if it's removed, then it's just censorship.
Then there's friends. In the same way I'm turned off having relationships because of how misogynistic/low effort men are, I'm also turned off having friendships with women because of how allistic they are to the patriarchy. Even on Reddit, I'll be scrolling through so-called 'feminist' subreddits and it's all about women supposedly being 'empowered' by hook-up culture.. Meanwhile, complaining that men ghost them after sex (which is r*pe, btw). Apparently, we can't put two-and-two together... If you stop engaging in a culture that was obviously created by men, for men, then they'll have to become better partners or gth. Unfortunately, real feminism is sacrilegious nowadays, due to neoliberalism.
I had some amazing friends in school, but even then, to access my friends I had to ensure extreme bullying from others. Whenever something positive happens, I seem to have to endure knives from all other angles to keep 'access' to it, if that makes sense.
Trauma (from r*pe, abuse and my eating disorder) has fundamentally changed my brain. I have a permanent (thus far) dissociation disorder, rather than periodic episodes of it. I can't connect to anyone, and now I can see that those relationships did not serve me whatsoever. The only relationships I valued were my school friends, who I accidentally ghosted in the 'pushing everyone away' phase of PTSD. I feel too awkward to reach out to them now.
Given that the brain often 'checks out' of emotional connection in response to trauma... It's almost like we know deep down that these relationships are fraught with risk.
What I'm going to say now is quite radical:
We don't actually 'need' connections. Many animals live a solitary life. We evolved to 'need' connections because it was evolutionarily beneficial - it helped us to survive. Antinatalism seems like a good place to post this, because many of us reject the notion that 'what's natural is good' - a naturalistic fallacy. Indeed, many related subreddits discuss how morbid 'mother nature' is.
I argue that a great number of people are actually hurt by our 'need' for connection - particularly in the familial and romantic sense (most parents are quite cruel, and most partners are abusive or cheaters). Even when it comes to friendships, we're deathly afraid of social rejection and bullying is part-and-parcel of everyday life. And don't get me started with 'colleagues'.
I read a great article that said "society is inherently violent, because everyone is trying to control other people." I think this is a great summary of the life we're thrust into - the unique miseries that humans experience, unlike other species. Interacting with people seems to be overwhelmingly fraught with risk with little return, just as dating men as a straight woman is.
I would be quite happy living in solitude, but my biology betrays me. I become lonely and depressed, even though I am free from miseries. There's no actual -reason- for this depression - humans naturally become depressed from loneliness if we have too much solitude, because of our evolutionary drive to survive. Someone like me doesn't actually even miss the interactions!
And that leads me to a final point: I think the evolutionary process is the cause of much pain we have to endure. It's a barrier to antinatalism (we have a biological drive to reproduce - I would love to be a mother, but logically I could never bring a child into the world). It pushes me to try to date men when I objectively get nothing out of it. It pushes me to socialise when I'm actually very content in my own company, until my brain betrays me. etc. etc.
Anticipating some replies: "but we do need to interact sometimes to survive!" Agreed, but we don't necessarily need connections or relationships. I'm a doctor - I'm not besties with people who come to me for a scan. I do it because I care about peoples' wellbeing in general, and I'm paid for it.
Just to reiterate that this does link to AN: I don't think life is worth it because we have pain baked-in, due to the evolutionary process; we humans have to endure unique miseries because of our 'need' for socialising; and, in life, you either have to accept abuse/harassment/cheating from your relationships or be alone, which, as detailed above, our brains and bodies are allergic to needlessly.
I'm a bit weary of rule number 5: 'no venting or lamenting' lol - I'm not sure how I can discuss things that make me AN without venting a little. I prefer to call it 'giving a detailed explanation'. a. These adjacent, related issues make me feel AN -> b. Here's a detailed explanation as to why that is the case. I hope I've at least clarified how it links to AN.

Introduction
An excessive rise in blood sugar or glucose is known as "Diabetes Mellitus". The primary form of sugar in blood is blood glucose, which also serves as the body's primary energy source. In addition to being produced in the muscles and liver, glucose is obtained via diet. All of the body's cells receive glucose from the blood to utilize as fuel.
The hormone known as insulin, which transports glucose to every cell in the body, is released into the circulation by the pancreas, an organ situated between the stomach and the spine. When the pancreas produces insufficient insulin or insulin that is not functioning properly, glucose remains in the bloodstream instead of entering cells. Diabetes can be brought on by excessive blood glucose levels. Diabetes can affect people of any age or gender. Diabetes occurs in three basic types: Type 1, Type 2, and Gestational Diabetes.
Type 1 diabetes:
Although it can occur in adults as well, type 1 diabetes, often known as juvenile diabetes, primarily affects young people. Due to an immune system attack and subsequent destruction of the insulin-producing cells (pancreatic beta cells), type 1 diabetes results in insufficient or nonexistent insulin production. You won't get diabetes if you eat too much sugar, despite popular belief. The immune system of a person with Type 1 diabetes attacks the beta cells in their body, which produce insulin, which is how the disease began. Monogenic diabetes is the term for a subset of rare types of diabetes caused by mutations or alterations in a single gene. The two primary types of monogenic diabetes are Maturity-Onset Diabetes of the Young (MODY) and Neonatal Diabetes Mellitus (NDM).
Before the age of six months, diabetes is more likely to be non-diabetic diabetes mellitus (NDM) than autoimmune Type 1 Diabetes Mellitus (T1DM). MODY refers to a class of hereditary autosomal-dominant conditions characterized by early-onset, usually moderate hyperglycemia (high blood sugar). Rather than insulin resistance, it is the consequence of beta-cell malfunction. MODY is associated with mutations in a minimum of eight genes. There is an older group with the slower onset disease in addition to the typical young individuals with acute onset T1DM. They may appear to have Type 2 Diabetes Mellitus (T2DM) in middle age, but tests for the anti-glutamic acid decarboxylase (GAD) antibody show indications of autoimmunity. Eventually, they develop an insulin-dependent lifestyle. This condition is known as Adult Latent Autoimmune Diabetes (LADA).
Complications of diabetes
Complications from diabetes have been shown to significantly raise health care expenditures for both treating and managing the disease as well as increasing morbidity and mortality. Diabetic patients who have out-of-range diabetes treatment and higher long-term blood glucose levels are more likely to experience microvascular and macrovascular problems.
Blood glucose levels that are too high over time can lead to a number of problems, including:

• Diseases of the eyes caused by alterations in fluid levels, tissue edema, and injury to the blood vessels in the eyes
• Foot issues brought on by nerve damage and decreased blood flow to your foot
• Gum disease and other dental issues, as harmful bacteria are encouraged to proliferate in your mouth by a high blood sugar level in your saliva. Food particles and bacteria interact to create plaque, a soft, sticky film. Eating foods high in sugar or carbohydrate can also cause plaque. Certain kinds of plaque lead to foul breath and gum disease. Cavities and tooth decay are caused by other types.
• Damage to your blood vessels and the nerves that regulate your heart and blood vessels can result in heart disease and stroke.
• Renal disease brought on by harm to the kidneys' blood arteries. Diabetes frequently results in elevated blood pressure. That could also be bad for your kidneys.
• Damage to the nerves and the tiny blood arteries that supply your nerves with oxygen and nutrients might result in nerve issues (diabetic neuropathy).
• Nerve injury and decreased blood supply to the genitalia and bladder can lead to sexual and urinary issues.
• Disorders of the skin, some of which are brought on by modifications to the small blood vessels and poor circulation. It is also more common for people with diabetes to get infections, particularly skin infections.

Additionally, acute hyperglycemia emergencies can be brought on by high blood glucose levels. These emergencies consist of:

• The most common cause of ketoacidosis, a potentially fatal condition marked by hyperglycemia and elevated blood acid (ketone) levels, is type 1 diabetes.
• Hyperosmolarity is a condition that causes the body to lose water from its organs. It is marked by prolonged hyperglycemia without ketoacidosis and severe dehydration.

Management of diabetes
Type 1 diabetes is a complicated illness that needs to be managed on a daily basis with effort and preparation. Here are some tips to help you effectively manage your Type 1 diabetes:
Check your blood sugar frequently: Using a continuous glucose monitor (CGM) or a glucometer to check your blood sugar is essential for managing diabetes and avoiding complications. If nothing else, make an effort to monitor your blood sugar levels before bed and after meals. Treating high blood sugar as soon as feasible is crucial.
Regularly take your insulin and other medications: Pay attention to the directions provided by your healthcare practitioner when taking your insulin and any additional drugs, if any.
See your endocrinologist frequently: To ensure that your Type 1 diabetes treatment plan is effective, it's critical to see your endocrinologist frequently. Don't be hesitant to pose targeted queries to them.
See your eye doctor and all of your other providers on a regular basis. Complications from type 1 diabetes can affect many parts of your body, but particularly your eyes. It's crucial to visit your ophthalmologist (eye doctor) at least once a year so they can examine your eyes.
Plan ahead for a sick day: Consult your endocrinologist about self-care and managing your diabetes during illness. Diabetes-related ketoacidosis (DKA) can be brought on by illness, so it's critical to be prepared by knowing what to do if you become ill in advance.
Stay educated: Never be reluctant to inquire about Type 1 diabetes with your healthcare physician. Your chances of leading a healthy life and avoiding problems from Type 1 diabetes increase with your level of knowledge about the disease and how to manage it.
Find a community: Making online or in-person connections with other Type 1 diabetics can make you feel less isolated while managing your condition.
Ensure your emotional well-being: Compared to people without diabetes, people with diabetes have a two to three times higher risk of depression and a 20% higher chance of receiving an anxiety diagnosis. Having a chronic illness that needs ongoing care can be very demanding. In the event that you exhibit symptoms of depression, it is imperative that you consult a mental health expert.
Conclusion
Four daily actions can help blood glucose levels remain within the desired range:
I. Stick to a balanced diet.

1. Engage in physical activity.

III. Regulate the dosage of insulin.
IV. Monitor diabetes.
At first, these tasks could seem overwhelming. Make minor adjustments until completing these actions becomes a regular part of your day.
To prevent hypoglycemia, learn to balance your insulin dosage with each meal and physical activity. Establish a goal range for your blood sugar and raise your HbA1c (keep it between 6% and 7%). Take part in running events and diabetic camps to network with other Type 1 diabetics and gain insight from their experiences. Stay positive, do yoga, and meditate. People can resume their normal lives and no longer have to fear diabetic consequences once they have learnt how to manage their diabetes.

INTRODUCTION
Diabetes mellitus (DM) is a heterogeneous metabolic disorder characterized by a common feature of increased levels of blood glucose (or blood sugar), which over time may lead to serious damage to the nerves, blood vessels, heart, and various organ systems of the body.
The most characterized feature of diabetes is insulin resistance by the Beta cells of the pancreas.
GESTATIONAL DIABETES

1. One of the types of Diabetes Mellitus is Gestational Diabetes i.e., Diabetes during pregnancy.
   
2. About 4% of pregnant women develop DM due to metabolic changes during pregnancy. Although they revert to normal glycemia (normal blood glucose) after delivery, these women are prone to develop DM later in their lives.
   

OTHER TYPES OF DIABETES MELLITUS

1. Type 1 D. M:

Type 1 diabetes is a condition that results from an abnormal immune response where certain cells called “T-cells” which are a part of the Beta cells of the pancreas are destroyed. Type 1 diabetes is based on the “gene-environment interaction” model i.e., individuals who are susceptible to certain environmental triggers develop resistance to the activity of Beta cells which in turn results in low or no production of insulin. Type 1 diabetes is strongly influenced by genetic predisposition but it does not follow any particular pattern of inheritance.

1. Type 2 D. M:

Type 2 diabetes mellitus is a heterogeneous condition that is characterized by varying degrees of insulin resistance (where insulin rejects synthesis of carbohydrates) and beta-cell dysfunction, Beta cells are those cells that are part of the pancreas that produce insulin. Type 2 diabetes is commonly associated with obesity.
In type 2 diabetes, there are mainly two problems. The pancreas can not produce enough insulin (the hormone that regulates the movement of sugar into the cells). The cells do not respond properly to insulin and synthesize less sugar. Type 2 diabetes used to be known as adult-onset diabetes, but both type 1 and type 2 diabetes can begin during childhood and adulthood. Type 2 is more common in the older generation but due to the increase in the number of children with obesity, more cases of type 2 diabetes are seen in the younger generation.

1. Other specific types:

Only 10% are affected by this type of D. M and this includes Genetic defects, endocrinopathies, etc.
TREATMENT

1. Treatment for Gestational diabetes depends on the signs and symptoms of the individual, the age, and the severity of the condition.
   
2. To maintain blood glucose levels, medication that lowers blood sugar levels may be given in the form of tablets.
   
3. A proper diet has to be followed.
   
4. Exercise as prescribed by the doctor.
   
5. For higher blood sugar levels insulin is required to be administered.
   

SIDE EFFECTS OF INSULIN
Increased insulin leads to increased glucose in a baby’s system which may keep the lungs from growing fully. This can cause breathing problems in babies. This is mostly seen in babies born before 37 weeks of pregnancy.
If insulin is given in higher concentration then it may lead to hypoglycemia (decreased blood sugar level) which may lead to loss of consciousness, coma, severe and irreversible brain injuries, or death.
CONCLUSION
While the right doses of insulin have no ill effects on the human body, higher doses can lead to severe conditions that may even result in death. Therefore all insulin dosages have to be prescribed by a qualified physician.

26 y/o male here (out of two younger sisters) - for a lack of immediate depth and clarity, I sometimes feel as if my brain is, quite frankly, a Lvl. 45 Pokémon in my otherwise full party of normally leveled mons (in this case, other organs? IDK, my poetically 'PogChamp' metaphor kinda fell off after a certain point, admittedly enough, lol...) and because I don't have any 'gym badges', or rather, notable enough ones on 'this' profile to attain the respect of said OP 🧠 (dry reincarnation joke for ya) like anything above an associate's college degree, to where in which I've been shamelessly punishing myself for ever since. All in a familial structure founded off my Father immigrating here from Iran at 17 due to an ongoing war at the time, proceeding to speed run his ability to speak and understand English, and ultimately earn his Doctorate degree at UT Austin in Mathematics by age 24/25 y/o. My Mother, also having immigrated to TX from around the same area/time period to that of my father, learned most if not all of her English and Math by dad, eventually earning her own highly marketable and prestigious degree, allowing her to work as a laboratory scientist within an established Hospital ever since) I wake up each day with ~75-80% chance of my emotions/seemingly invisible yet unapologetically frictious (made up word of the day) force of my own nature steering me not just off course with regards to tangible progress in most faltering facets of my life, but 180 degrees, straight-up in the opposite direction entirely; no matter how hard I may try and/or far I may get, there just always happens to be this same (assumedly) suspect layer of my consciousness to whom in which takes it upon 'itself' to fully assess and ultimately execute some seemingly crucial decision/deduction 'for me', frequently working so far ahead into the future that I lose damn near any/all opportunities to act authentically, evenif said authentic action(s) is/are the more difficult/tedial (made up word of the day, and an unnecessary one at that yet way more satisfyingly sounding than 'tedious' imo xp) decisions out of all answer choices, almost never allowing me a proper build up of 'dharmic momentum', if you will, when that in of itself would likely prove valuable. I believe this behavioral pattern in particular has made it exponentially more difficult to break my current bad habits in insomnia(-l?), burn out, depression, and consequently to these aforementioned, my biggest demon of them all ATM: productivity paralysis - all in which I've been experiencing this past year. For example: my mom telling me we have to go somewhere I don't want to in the morning, my replying 'consciously', usually in agreement in an attempt to avoid further arguments/conflicts, trading authenticity for emotional convenience, be it for better or for worse, only then for my 5Head brain to do what it likely does best (at least with regards to consistency) ala subconsciously 5Head'ing the situation in the background like an antivirus program would after downloading a sketchy Switch emulator onto one's hard drive, it's way of 'resolving' it's self proclaimed virus by having me stay up all night to where there's no way I can go after all, trading my misery for a more preferable, oftentimes comfortable solution as well as rebellion, especially towards those whom I feel can't look past their own selves when offering advice/ideas, which is one thing, but also forcing said solutions onto those concerned, be it due to frustration, which I can't blame them for given my like-mindedness towards my own self and scenario. Slightly more context in that I've always been told I'm super smart, 'could' be one of my best students if... (you know the rest ✌️🙂‍↕️), blah blah blah, but have genuinely been able to achieve things I seriously haven't heard of a single other person accomplishing especially with regards to my passions and career choices, tend to for whatever peculiar reason attract highly successful and oftentimes famous individuals i.e. content creators, musicians, general artists - weirdly/oftentimes VERY well known ones - into my life on both friendly and romantic levels (ironically, seeming to have had a strange ability to attract the upper eschalon of high functioning individuals from not much interesting initial interaction(s) from my perspective, in OR out of schooling, admittedly enough, always hoping I would become one myself, likely as a coping strategy/defense mechanism/compensatory coalition with respect to my lackluster grades/overall effort in highschool despite taking and consequently passing every advanced course possible in relation to my corresponding grade level i.e. AP Calculus in Senior yeaAP English/Government/History, you get the idea, and which was the case from 6th grade onwards, even getting into Health Careers HS upon making an exceptional grade on the entrance exam, along with pure luck I suppose, which, again, pretty prestigious or should have been if I cared, to which I basically had to provide my parents one of my first ultimatums of what would be many: 'I'm gonna get all zeroes if you don't let me go to designated Public HS', likely because it didn't resonate with me at the time - part of me regrets it looking back tbh - and/or I didn't feel like I deserved it/belonged there either) just off my personality alone, which is a lot more humble and sweet than the tonality of this passage provides, often times declared by sources external to that of my own, however believable or on the contrary at face-value. What's crazier is how empty I feel on the inside in spite of everything I've accomplished with regards to, well, again, all facets of my life. Ex: Getting fired at my Banking job last year after the initiation of the divorce for inconsistent attendance, which is fair enough, then getting a new job later at the start of July only to get promoted off my performance by the end of the month, which, for better or for worse, has generally been my same song and dance with regards to my numerous occupations likely due to my need for validation/even 'consolidation' for not having it in me to pursue a Bachelor's degree, only to then go on leave for, frankly, no longer 'having it in me' despite my undying (and disgusting) desire to still push and/or power through in an effort, forevermore, to - not even emotionally amymore but physiologically, at this point - cope with this seemingly snowballing shit-storm of a situation that is and has been 'life' as I know it to be (admittedly/notably, taking the break DID feel good as I haven't really prioritized my own wellbeing like that before) but however eventual/inevitable, got fired for repeatedly giving a date for my return each time my manager reached out to check in on my well-being, only for my first ever and repeated semblance of a panic attack arising in spite of wanting to will myself, tooth and nail, out the house each of those individual instances, ultimately preventing me from following through with my now broken promises to aforementioned ex-manager - all part of this fuck-headed prophecy. :) In an effort to wrap this very real, very frustrating fool's fairytale up, it's important to note I've been jobless ever since that day, locked in my room, still more productive in many important aspects barring perhaps socially, but I'm in huge debt, especially since I had to fire my divorce attorney last year around August for having a 30% response/hit rate for anything that wasn't the bill - I wish I was wrong - though, I was hired at a coffee shop back in February as my mom thought (and still thinks/pushes this notion) that my problem is 'I need to get out there and into the world', welp, I listened albeit after weeks of conflict/disagreements/yelling (which actions in of themselves make me feel terrible since I once took great pride in being the family peacekeeper (and from a reasonably young age too, unfortunately enough) like any good son whom in which values their own mother's reasonable enough hypothesis would, except for, well, that job too, eventually and inevitably (in my mind) 'I' ending up quitting due to - long story short - unruly junior managers and their annoyingly asinine egos'.
Wrapping up, between going through a divorce with my wife, having been forced to live back with my forever faulty family, namely, with regards to my stubborn mother and father (however much I love them to pieces, to which I feel I express well enough, consistently enough, though at the same time think is fair holding back a bit affectionately given the frequency and intensity of my current circumstances, frankly). Thankfully, I have been able to maintain my well above average athleticism/physique (my words, sure, though genuinely intended with as little ego as possible, in fact more often than not mentioned by someone other than myself, and consistently so at that ever since the 10th grade when I initially started lifting/getting into Nutrition) through daily weighted pushups of 55 lbs in a sturdy backpack, along with my self taught singing voice (worded that way to emphasize I had to basically fight my mom and dad on investing time/energy into that back during HS as well, only to, like my fitness discipline, attaining a very high level on my own and in spite of the needless and unnecessary friction provided by family), along with, and perhaps most importantly, keeping up with my mental and spiritual literacies through many renowned online University lectures, free programs, videos by Dr. K-ing himself, etc. - all to say I'm at a point, currently, where this once 'Superman' persona that I suppose never existed in the capacity seems way closer to that of a depressed, worn down Clark Kent than ever before...
Sigh
(P.S. To my 🧠: Thank you, sincerely, for giving me the courage/chutzpah to finally deliberately declassify, denote, and deliver this deconstruction of my mind, however stylishly flawed, over the internet. Further, it's imperative that I mention my confirmed diagnoses of ADHD/Borderline/Childhood & Family Trauma, along with a pending/potential Bipolar disorder as the metaphorically 'maniacal' cherry on top. I'm seeing a psychologist ATM and am prescribed Adderall which helps me tremendously, both with regards to mood regulation as well as my ADHD symptoms. I've been taking medication for over 2 years now. Random but relevant side note: my insomnia started after the initiation of the divorce and again, I've basically slept once every other night throughout this whole duration)
(P.P.S. Forgive me for any inconsistencies/poor grammaseemingly unfinished statements and/or scenarios. I've had a couple hours of sleep the past 30ish hours, which has, give or take, been the case since June of last year.
(P.P.P.S. Crazy to acknowledge that I intended on sharing the first few sentences of this post when 'I' made the decision to write out this random Reddit post - I wonder, however hesitantly, what notable 'tomfoolery' my brain has planned as the potential outcome to this output and a half.)
(P.P.P.P.S. That's not even the full story LuL. Though I must mention I appreciate anyone bored/mad/strong-willed enough to muster their way from start to finish of my madness. I love this community with all of my heart, truly, and I'm sorry for coming across as brash or unapologetic at particular points, just not really feeling it ATM. Love and peace, always
Kindest regards,
Anotha One

Hey, hi, hello.
I’ve been posting on and off for a few years now and I’m sure some of you are sick of seeing me. Oh well, we’re in this sub for one reason and one reason only: to find a connection and possibly a happy ending.
I’ve been told I’m too picky and too open about myself; I don’t think Im either of these things. We all have different tastes and expectations from other people and that’s fine. And yes, I am very open about who I am, shouldn’t we all be? Would save us some disappointment.
I did try numerous dating sites and chatrooms but to no avail; those whove been in the same situation know what’s that like. I have a fair share of horror stories from dating apps and who knows, one day I could share these with you!!
Before I move onto the spiel about myself and how much of a catch I am please read below:
About you:
-living the UK/Europe/US (max of 6h time difference)
-a straight man
-a homebody, with the occasional want to go out and do things
-aged 29 – 48 (I will not reply if you’re not within the age bracket)
-speak English (for communication purposes duh)
-child free (and must want to remain this way)
-MONOGAMOUS
-NO PREFERENCE HEIGHT OR BODY WISE, I’m all about a nice face
-impeccable basic personal hygiene (not expecting you smelling like your local perfume store)
-no addictions (ie excessive alcohol use, smoking and any type of illegal drugs)
-respectful, loyal, funny, affectionate, caring, loving and patient (a lot of it needed with me).
-will not demand any personal content (if you know what I eamn)
-in full time employment (if we are long distance, how else are you going to fund your travels?)
But beyond all that I’m after a best friend. Someone who will have my back until the end. Someone who will accept me for who I am and wouldn’t want to change me (I can offer the same back). Someone who will enter my life and assume the role of my partner (eventually) and join me on this rather bizarre journey called life. Don’t give up on me and I wont give up on you.
I will not respond to any messages along the lines of ‘hru’. ‘hi’.
Once again, no budging on the age or location.
If your profile contains anything inappropriate, I won’t respond either.
I think I made myself more than clear.
Just one more thing, I promise!!!!
This is not to get any attention or sympathy or help; more of a prewarning. I have met a lot of amazing people on here who got their hopes up about me and once things didn’t seem to be as amazing as this image, they had of me they left.
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of 12, as well as severe anxiety (no self-diagnosis here, by an actual professional). I take meds for it but some days are worse than the others. I’m also on the waiting list to get help, but like me you’re in the UK you’ll know what this is like (no issues with the NHS, they’re amazing; just overworked and understaffed). I can’t afford to go privately. At this moment in time,I am about 2 years away from seeing someone.
I suffer from fibromyalgia (if you don’t know what this is, just google it) in late 2019 after ruling everything out. I have days when I’m extremely exhausted and in a lot of pain. I still go to work and try to go on about my life as much as possible but please bear that in mind.
Ive been taking all sorts of meds too, including painkillers to control the pain.
Please don’t see me as someone hopeless or feel sorry for me. This is not the point of this confession.
My name is Anita and I’m a 29yo Eastern European woman, living in the UK just outside of Bristol. I’ve been here for the last 17 years and I consider myself England my home. I’m not considering moving back at any point in my life (however I’ll move elsewhere for the right reasons and right person). I will share my exact location once we’re acquainted a bit more.
I’m 6ft tall (yes I am this tall and I’m aware that it’s way too tall for a woman) and. weight approx 13st or 200lbs (my weight keeps fluctuating a lot and no, I’m not looking for any tips to lose weight). I dye my hair red but it’s more like ginger these days. I have green eyes (they’re useless as I wear glasses) and I wear a lot of black eyeliner lol. I guess you could say I’m kinda emo/goth?
An extreme introvert since I was a young one (definitely not shy, in fact I can get a bit volatile when it comes to standing up for myself). I don’t need to get out of my shell, so none of that please. I like my own company as well as my loved ones; and leaving the house only for work and groceries suits me well.
I’m a vegetarian (not a deal breaker if you’re not; your choice is to eat meat and mine isn’t. Respect it and you shall receive the same back). I think it’s time for everyone live and let others live too.
Tea, coffee and snack addict! (I love herbal tea with no sugar or milk; coffee wise I like a good cap or a caramel macchiato as a treat. Snack wise anything goes really. Fruit, crisps, cake and sweets!)
Bookworm (I haven’t read in a long time, I love books I promise. Just haven’t had much time lately. I have a stack of them which is growing. I need to finally find some time and immerse myself in one of many crime novels I have).
Apolitical (now, I read the news everyday but I do not support any of the parties. They don’t care about you or me, sorry to break this to you).
Animal lover (I have 4 rescued cats two boys and two girls aged between 10-11 who are my absolute life. In total, my mum and I have rescued about 60 cats in the last 10 years. We found them safe and loving homes but for some of them unfortunately it was too late).
No addictions here (I don’t drink or smoke; although I like my vapes a lot).
In my spare time (whatever I get of it) I like to go for walks, listen to music and podcasts, nap, watch tv, chill with my mum and cats, go shopping and grab a coffee with my ma, visit my brother in London, over eat, over think and read books.
I don’t really have any hobbies.
I don’t game religiously but I do enjoy sims 4 (someone told me that isn’t gaming although I’d say it’s a computer game so clues in the name but what do I know, right?) I don’t watch anime either, tried once and couldn’t get into it.
As you can tell, I’m just a relatively unremarkable human being, trying to find her place in this world. And I’m happy about that, being in the limelight is the last thing I know.
With that being said, if you managed to get through my ramblings and they somewhat resonated with you, shoot me a message.
Message me with your name, age and location and what caught your eye about my post. Don’t have to send me your picture right away; I won’t send mine until I’m comfortable enough. To show that you have read, end your message with ‘toodlepip’.
I will respond as soon as I can but please note that there might be delays in messaging back due to well… life being life I suppose.
And if you didn’t like what you read… well then scroll along, no need to let me know about this in the comments or to message me to call me names. It’s nice to be nice.
Thank you for reading this and looking forward to seeing some messages. If not, best of luck in your search!!!

TL;DR. Tried stimulant medication for ADHD a few months ago, an evaluator not giving me the ADHD diagnosis but said I could try meds to see how I reacted. I felt it improved my focus and mental function, but had to discontinue after three days due to anxiety side effect, and a side effect of forgetting about my dogs and being surprised to see them. Wanting to know if the three days would be enough to be confident of my brain being ADHD because non-stimulant options don’t seem strong enough to be able to get a job and then do well in a job. I am thinking about trying stimulants again but want to stop stressing about whether I will react horribly to the meds if I don’t have ADHD.
A few months ago, my PA said that I could try a stimulant (I will name the med if asked but I am not sure if it is allowed to openly share; I didn’t see in the rules but I want to be safe). The evaluator I saw said that I could try stimulants to see how I react and if I basically did stuff like stare at the hairs on my arm for hours then I am not ADHD (now realizing it was not a complete evaluation because it was a conversational interview that only lasted for two hours and the reasons I wasn’t diagnosed with Autism and ADHD came down to the evaluator’s bias). I ended up having to go off of the stimulant because it increased my anxiety and I wasn’t on a good anxiety med to handle it, but for three days I took it and I felt like it did improve my mental function a bit until it wore off, and then the anxiety just crashed in. It did also have a secondary side effect where I seemed to forget about my dogs, and then I would see them and be surprised by seeing them.
But, the part I am not sure about is that my PA told me that I would know pretty quickly how I would react (whether it is within the realm of ADHD response or not). But then my therapist at the time told me a week, and then a month to be sure. It was also a trial to see if I had a psychotic disorder or bipolar, which I was diagnosed with by a previous PA but ADHD started seeming like a better explanation, so that was additionally stressful. So, I don’t know if those three days would be enough to know.
I am asking because I have started on a Strattera and Welbutrin combo since January / February (Welbutrin as a part of Auvelity, which is a combo med with Dextromethorphan) and been on them for a few months and now pretty stable. They work well together for my anxiety and depression, as well as some of my executive function. But I am currently unemployed and know that I am not at the point where I would be able to focus in a job very easily.
I struggled in school because I would always need to be doing something engaging (like be on my computer, usually not taking notes) to be able to sit still in lectures and even discussion classes. I always felt like I was running a marathon and constantly losing track of everything. I often did work that felt half-assed, and I could not keep up with readings. And my tutoring job where I sat in on the classes I was tutoring for always ended with me being on my computer working on my creative writing until I could help out in class.
So, even with the non-stimulant medication, I am pretty certain I will struggle in the same ways in any job I get, no matter how hard I try. Even now, I need to wait for my brain to feel it’s the “right time” to write cover letters and apply for jobs. Otherwise, it feels like that course of action is completely blocked off and I haven’t yet found a modality that gets me to being able to do more applications quicker. I don’t think this is Demand Avoidance, but more that my brain just isn’t in the right place to be able to talk about myself and find the right words to put on paper and the page is hard to stare at and think of words, if that makes sense. Even when I have a basic template.
It just feels like my only option is to try stimulants again while I have the non-stimulants on board, but I am not even confident the Strattera would be enough to handle the increase in anxiety, because it was a lot. Like the valve broke and the anxiety got all over the floor in my brain and started flooding, figuratively. So, I am just a little stressed to try that again, but I feel it would be good to know if the three days were enough to be sure of an ADHD brain because then maybe I could not stress about trying a different stimulant so much and being worried I would zone out looking at the hairs on my arm for hours.

I moved out of the house at 17. I’m 21 now. My relationship with my mom has slightly improved primarily because I now live quite far away from her and don’t see / interact with her as often which has made a big difference in my life for the better. Despite this, every time I go home to visit, which is infrequent and only when practically inescapable (holidays and such), I still feel such a deep rage and sadness & overall unhappiness being home. I feel unsafe, I feel trapped and just so unhappy. I hate being home. And I feel grief and envy and anger for the childhood & home life I never got. I see my friends get excited to go home at holidays meanwhile I have nightmares for weeks leading up to going home to the point where I wake my partner up because I yell in my sleep having “arguments” with my mom or even weeping in my sleep. I stop eating normally leading up to going home partially because of anxiety and partially because my mom has always criticized my body & my weight and it’s been an incessant and never ending topic & point of contention in our relationship so I feel really self conscious and feel the need to starve myself prior to going home so I look “skinnier” and she has less to criticize or I can minimize our chances of arguing which is unlikely but I still feel the need to try. I am a bit overweight and I admit this but it is not anything significant (I’m still in good health) and even though I’ve struggled with an eating disorder, much of which stemmed from how fucked up she made my relationship with my body & food from a young age she still criticizes my body. Anyways I’m rambling but all of this to say I feel extreme distress when going home & whenever I’m here, even if the trip isn’t as bad as past ones have been, I feel overcome with constant anxiety, anger and sadness while being here and I’m continuously reminded of an almost primal urge to never come home again. And I feel so much guilt because my mom seems to be wanting to be “better” lately. She sends me sweet messages and has been making “an effort” not to be as mean or critical to me outright, or so it seems, and tells me how much she misses me and how happy she is for me to be home. And it tears me up inside. Because I feel so guilty, I feel like a bad person, like a selfish person. And yet, I know it’s all a ruse and it’ll let up the minute I do something to piss her off or set her off or the minute she stops being able to put up the facade and it drops. She acts all kind and it’s very clear that it’s an act & that she is biting her tongue from all the shit she’s thinking & wants to say to me & she’ll still make passive aggressive comments that she makes me feel crazy for noticing & then acts like a victim in front of other people and likes to put on a big show of how nice she is to me and how ungrateful or distrustful of her I am. Despite all this & despite the fact that this trip home hasn’t even been that bad in comparison to the past (no bad jinx!), I have this constant urge to go no contact with her. It’s a constant fantasy of mine. I’ve even had extensive maladaptive daydreams about faking my own death to be able to get away from her. And yet, even as an adult, going no contact feels out of reach. Hence the maladaptive daydreaming & faking my own death fantasies. Because she’s extremely controlling & i literally can’t even imagine the aftermath and fallout of me going no contact. I’ve played it over and over and over again in my head and there’s no way it doesn’t end in her driving down to my house, getting other family members to text me and guilt trip me on her behalf etc etc… I honestly fear she’d even take legal action. In the past, when I’ve expressed some of my feelings about our relationship she’s threatened me with a conservatorship. Which I don’t even think would be legally viable / possible but I’m scared. She’s in a profession that revolves around power & gives her a very good grasp over the legal system & I have no doubt she’d be able to manipulate it in her favour, or use her profession to track me down / surveill me. It’s just all so scary. I don’t want her in my life but I literally see no way out & I worry that trying to go no contact would make my life worse & more stressful because of her retaliations, than if I just keep putting up with the misery of occasional visits and interactions. It also just sucks because she’s very covert & manipulative & I know she’d be able to spin it as me being the “bad guy” and she’d be able to convince people in my life that I love that she’s the victim & probably make them resent me or at the very least not understand my decision & think I’m being unreasonable & unfair & selfish. Like I have younger brothers who I love and don’t want to loose touch with since they live with her and I don’t want them to feel like I’m selfish for making our mom sad. And I don’t want to receive the guaranteed guilt trips I’ll be sent from other family on her behalf , like from my grandparents. They don’t & wouldn’t understand. Their other daughter died young and doesn’t get to see her kids grow up & I know my family would view me as selfish for choosing “not to have a mom”. Idk it’s really complicated. As it often is. And I don’t know what to do. It’s something I’ve thought about for years & id feel so free. But it feels impossible. Also obviously there is a lot more context about our relationship but I can’t explain everything in one post.
Anyways thanks for reading. Advice welcome! Please haha

⚠️TW, 22M
I hate talking about my trauma. I'm unable to clearly remember what happened to me and it is driving me crazy. I feel like I'm lying for attention or trying to get pity somehow, I don't believe myself and I'm just trying to make sense of it all because it all just seems too crazy. Every time I think about discussing my trauma a voice tells me “Stop feeling sorry for yourself you are pathetic”, and somehow this sentiment has been working very well for me up until now. I recently watched Baby Reindeer and I got the urge for the first time to write everything down. Just while writing all of this a lot of new memories have popped up, and I’m scared and not sure what to do.
For context, I have been diagnosed with c-PTSD (my ace score is 10) nevertheless, I am doing pretty well, graduating college now with two degrees and a near-perfect GPA. My diagnosis stems from extensive physical and mental abuse at home and in several foster homes due to drug and mental health-related issues my parents and foster parents were suffering from. Most of the trauma is unrelated to the trauma I'm seeking answers for in this post. It is relevant because I have very few memories from my childhood, not that I know what amount is “normal”, but I can't remember much up to the age of 11 years old, only fleeting memories, primarily traumatic ones. For some reason, I have managed to come out of all of my trauma very well, however, I have started to struggle more lately and I feel like I'm losing control of my mental health for the first time in my life.
I have memories of being held down and groped on the school playground when I was 6, while an adult was “keeping watch”. I also have memories of being locked in a room, but I don't have any specific memories of sexual abuse. I just have this feeling that it happened, I knew what a blowjob was, what anal sex was, and everything sex-related from the age of 5. I have memories of a guy making me blow him but it was all for fun, and he was my age, but in hindsight, I've realized that we were 6 years old and that is not normal behavior at all. This incident is unrelated to the others, and I'm not sure how we ended up in that situation, but it haunts me because we were having fun and laughing about it, it felt like a joke. It feels so wrong to think about it now.
Additionally, I almost had sex with a 24-year-old guy when I was 13, I didn't realize that this was abnormal until several years later. I freaked out and asked him to stop and he stopped, and in my eyes, he was a great guy for doing this, but I've come to realize that maybe he wasn't a great guy. This happened while traveling abroad with one of my foster families, she left me at some family friend's house in a very sketchy neighborhood while she was staying with their family. I was flirting with him, and I thought it was fun to try to get him to hook up with me, so I felt like it was my fault. While writing this I'm also questioning if this is normal behavior for a 13-year-old, I'm just realizing while writing this that I've had a messed up relationship with sex my entire life. My foster mom was yelling at me once because I was crying after my dad passed away right after our trip abroad (this was 6 months after, she said I had to get over it and stop crying) instead of saying this, I told her I was upset because that guy tried to have sex with me. She became extremely infuriated and said she was going to deal with it. A couple of days later, she told me she had “finished the business” with him, and said that her brothers had “dealt” with him and that he was gone from the city he lived in forever. I still have no idea what happened to him. He stopped posting on all social media afterward. I feel extremely guilty, and I'm still not sure what happened to him. Why did I tell her this?
Besides these memories, there is one incident (I don't know if it even happened) that has been tormenting me lately. The incident I'm about to describe triggered these memories. I hate writing about this more than anything. I was falsely accused by my foster mom, in the foster home I spent the most time in (several years, and the same one that left me stranded abroad) of sexually abusing their child. For context, she suffers from bipolar disorder and she would have breakdowns daily. This is just the tip of the iceberg, but I want to provide some examples of her behavior. She found porn on my foster brother's computer once and threw his computer out the front door, made him walk around a river for hours, and banished him from the house for two weeks to go live with his dad (her ex-husband, who she kicked down a flight of stairs which broke his arm).
She has not told anyone else in her family this, but she also confided in me that she was sexually abused by her uncle as a child. I feel like I need to provide context because I am extremely paranoid about being labeled as a predator, and have suffered extensively from paranoia (and still do) that people perceive me this way. I have never, and will never, and have absolutely zero urge to ever do anything inappropriate with a child. I feel like I haven't heard anyone going through this.
She took me out to a busy restaurant (the first time she ever did this) and while we were eating, out of the blue, she straight up asked me if I was sexually abusing her child. People around could hear our conversation, and their heads turned. I went into a state of shock, I was close with the child (he was born right after I moved in, three years old at the time) and viewed him like a brother.
After the shock wore off (I was 15 at the time) I just looked at her with teary eyes and said I would never do anything like that. Luckily, she immediately believed me and stated that she was suspicious because we fell asleep under a blanket together once, and she had noticed “weird” behavior from him (touching himself inappropriately, I was told later by my psychologist that this was normal behavior), and according to her because I was a foster child I had a greater likelihood of doing this. Afterward, she bought me a sweater and let me get dessert at the restaurant (this was a huge deal for me at the time, and I forgave her immediately, mostly because I was scared of her). She actually became extremely upset afterward and I had to console her.
(Side note, I was forced to live there for another year after, and she implemented specific rules for me. I was not allowed to be alone with him or be under the same blanket as him. This was extremely traumatizing, my relationship with him was ruined forever.)
On the car ride home, I was processing what had just happened and suddenly fell silent and felt an immense amount of anxiety, I felt like I was going to pass out. A memory from school, I was six at the time, of an older boy (15-16) who did extremely horrendous things to me, suddenly appeared. Feces and urine were involved. These memories are coming up again now, and I feel like I'm gonna have a panic attack every time they do.
My foster mom noticed that my mood suddenly switched, and asked me what was wrong. I told her I suddenly got flooded with all these memories of experiences I didn't know I had, and she told me that she was not surprised that her accusation triggered this. She also told me that she thought she knew what guy I was talking about (not that she did anything about it, she worked as a chef at the school while I was going there, but I was living with my parents at the time.) I have no idea if she is telling the truth, but this detail somehow made it worse.
I suppressed the memories and told myself that I was just making it up. I've done this my whole life, every time it pops up, it's not working anymore. I have this feeling a lot because I feel like what I've been through is unbelievable. That no one will believe me. I also remember that around this time, I had a complete shift in my personality. I went from being popular and outgoing to reserved and extremely shy. I became silent at school, I remember one day specifically, I didn't utter a single word all day, and I felt like I was out of my body. My teacher became so worried that she called CPS. I am not sure if this is related to the sexual abuse trauma (while writing this I still feel like I’m making it up) I may have gone through, or other trauma. I do not have a lot of other memories from this time, and I can't piece together the timeline of events. I'm not even sure what memories I have are real or not.
Another important aspect of all of this is that I had another foster brother who was the same age as me. We started having sex after I moved in at the age of 12. He would come into my room at night, without saying a word, and start doing sexual favors on me. I'm not sure and I don't remember what events if any led to this. He would make me do the same to him, even though I didn't want to, and told him no, I still did it. I didn't enjoy it and I didn't want to do it but for some reason I just did. I never enjoyed doing any favors for him, It made me feel disgusting, I hated it. We never kissed, cuddled, or did anything remotely romantic, no affection other than pure sexual acts. Was this sexual abuse? I don't understand. I'm so confused about all of this.
In hindsight, I guess I deeply suppressed it, I realized that the guy that made me blow him when I was 6, was him. We were in the same grade from 1st to 3rd grade. And now, I'm wondering if he was the one (if any) who did inappropriate things to my three-year-old foster brother. I've been suppressing all of this my whole life, and I'm shocked that I haven't realized this before writing all of this down. It happened in the same room when we were 6.
Recently, I've been feeling very depressed and anxious, and thoughts about all of this are coming back over and over again. I've noticed that I'm developing a weird relationship with sex, I can’t even put into words how I feel. Was I sexually abused or raped? How do I know what is real or not? I’m scared to go further into all of this because I don't want to uncover more memories, just while writing this I made several gut-wrenching realizations. Is there a specific type of therapy that helps with this? I just feel like it's getting worse every day. Thanks.

I hate to make really long posts, but i think without context, the weight of my questions will not make sense. If you don't want to read the whole thing, I understand, but PLEASE don't comment if you are only going to read the last 4 sentences...
Pre 2008, She was kind of a gothic girl, attempting to recover from some questionable teenage choices. Was forced to go to Catholic school and mass until she was in HS, at which point she went to a public school and got pretty crazy. She had vaguely religious beliefs and morels (for the most part) but was 100% non practicing.
I was NOT religious growing up "at all". My dad was a brutal SOB, that was verbally and occasionally physically abusive to everything in his path. I did spend 6 months living with my sister and we went to "super church bible study service" on Saturdays. As I got older I started to have a non denominational blind faith.
We meet in 2005. By 2008 marriage was on the table and even though we had been 100% non practicing, she insisted that we get married in the catholic church. I had no issues with it. We did the classes, attended mass, and got married. Almost immediately after the honeymoon... she decided that she didn't really like going to a catholic church and after a little church shopping, we stopped going to any church.
Early 15 - 6 years married, IMO, everything in our lives up to this point has been going well. Of course we had some bumps in the road, but nothing major and no lasting issues. Now, she is pregnant and about to pop with out first child.
After my son is born she got very weird. For one... she stopped wanting to have sex, and previously that was a very common way for us to bond. I thought she may be having some PPDepression and thought nothing much of it. She took to parenting a baby really well, no issues there. Around the one year mark she started going out with "work friends", not coming home till midnight or 2am. She had NEVER done anything like this before, and I my mind started to wonder and wander....
2016, She came home drunk after a night of hanging out with "work friends". Now, keep in mind, usually she would come home half intoxicated and either jump into the shower or go straight to bed... but this night she came home and wanted to have sex (with protection).
And she is pregnant again.
Sex again goes full stop and she did not manage this pregnancy as good as the first. With our son or the unborn, but our relationship was a dumpster fire.... I change jobs so to could work normal hours and be more available for my son and her. Baby girl is born.
Despite a near immaculate conception, I was hoping a second child would make her happier... It didn't. It made it worse. Everything in our relationship is still BAD. She was so distant that I questioned if the girl was even mine. All the circumstances combined... secretly did a paternity test and the girl was/is mine. That put my mind somewhat at ease, but things were still rough... but about to get worse.
2017, Even though our marriage didn't feel like a marriage anymore, we were not outright fighting a lot. She was just very distant and had this "ora" of hate towards me. This was beginning of the inevitable end. She tells me that she can't stand sleeping in the same bed as me anymore.... considering she was only like 4 months post birth, and still nursing, it was stupid for here to go downstairs and sleep on the couch. So being the nice guy... I did.
Days turned into weeks, and I was really starting to struggle with the situation as a whole. But I kept giving her space... talking with her when she felt up to it. Weeks turned into months. The couch turned into a bed... in the basement. Months turned into years... but i don't want to get ahead of myself.
Over 17/18 she started getting very dark. Like I could see that she was having a psychotic break. I talked with her parents and they said she was diagnosed bipolar as a tween. I tried to be supportive. I tried getting her to go to counseling, with me, without me, anywhere, anyhow... she refused. We were still having regular conversations after the kids went to bed... where she mostly went over everything I had ever done wrong... beating me into the ground... I would apologize over and over. Sometimes it was "leaving the seat up that morning"... sometimes it was for some stupid thing I did 5 years prior.
Note, during our marriage, I never drank, did drugs, gambled, cheated, etc. I wasn't abusive in any way; quite the opposite actually, I was and in some ways still am very passive and let people walk all over me because I am so viscerally opposed to turning into my dad, that I tend to tolerate being mis treated rather than reacting to it.
SO over time, these discussions became less frequent but more toxic. They were more of an opportunity for her to verbally attack me for all kinds of things.. even things that were not real... or did not happen the way she remembers. She told me she didn't ever really love me, and that she lied, and she should have never married me, etc... Like really hateful stuff. I was seeing a counselor at this point because this was destroying me. I started thinking about divorce, but I kept hoping she would pull through. The conversations eventually stopped and we were just two disconnected people living in the same house.
As the kids started to grow into toddlers, she started to show anger towards them. Not like in daily life, but anytime they did something wrong. Now, admittedly, I am HYPER sensitive to this because of my childhood. She was becoming verbally abusive to them. Maybe not with the words chosen, but she would outright SCREAM at them... like "loose her shit, scream at them" for 5 minutes. It got to the point I was recording it.
After about 5 HUGE screaming fights with me about it... (I was threatening to call CPS on her and divorce her), she broke down and accepted that she was doing wrong.
Over the next few months, she started wanting to got to church. She was screaming at the kids less. While me and her were still just room mates, she seemed to be healing. As months turned into years, she continued to treat the kids better, and at this point we were going to church fairly regularly as a family. You would think this is where things get better... and you'd be wrong.
By 2021, she had dove 1000% into religion. And only practices the most extreme parts of almost every Christian based religion. No Pork, kosher only, All holidays are pagan. Mothers day, fathers day, birthdays, pagan. Christmas and easter are not guaranteed correct dates, pagan. Speaking in tongues... like anything that you can think of that a non Christian would call crazy... she does that.
Meanwhile she has become more and more toxic towards me. From not letting me spend time with the kids alone; to yelling at me, calling me a liar, evil, toxic, etc... even in front of our kids.
About 6 months ago her delusions skyrocketed. Behind closed doors, she believes that she is a prophetess. And she is blaming me for things that never happened. One example, she came running into the room, yelling at me "because I just called him stupid".... me and my son looked at each other, like what the heck is she talking about? I never called him stupid. We were talking about something silly he saw in a video. I told him "that's kinda stupid, don't ever do anything like that". A specific example... tonight I am tucking my daughter in... after out hugs and kisses, I am walking out and stumbling over things on the floor... I say to her "honey, you should focus on cleaning in here this weekend, the mess is getting a bit ridiculous". She smiles, throws me the "i love you sign" and says, "I know dad, I will".... and before my daughter could even finish her words, my wife is yelling from another room "how dare you call her ridiculous?". She comes trudging into the room, and shake my head and retreat back to my basement... she follows me the entire way, yelling at me for being rede and disrespectful to her daughter. Telling me that she will stand up for her daughter.... the entire way back to the basement.. , for something that didn't even happen.
But I digress, this kind of stuff has been happening more regularly. About 3 months ago, I put cameras up in the common areas of our house, because I am honestly scared that she is going to accuse me of doing or saying something that never happened. Something that she could scream from the roof tops. Something she could say in front to a police officer or a judge to get a divorce and full custody. I have used these cameras and recordings to prove to her, on several occasions, that she is wrong about a specific situation or downright delusional with others. And while she initially seemed receptive to "being called out", anymore she finds any proven inaccuracies to simply be an attack on her.
I am getting verbally assaulted over something that didn't happen... Shortly later, I pull the video and PROVE that she is wrong about it, and she STILL denies it or downplays it... I get angry... then that turns into her claiming that I am being verbally abusive TO HER!
This week, I told her that I am actively filing for divorce - not as a threat, but because I am actively working with an attorney, gathering the paperwork, and I am divorcing her.
Expecting her to attempt to reconcile, she leaves me a one page letter that has me question her sanity. I write her a 5 page letter in response, I clipped the last page, it is all text but NSFW.
I am using an imgur link of the letter and response, as posting pics is questionable in the rules. https://imgur.com/a/n6pJOBv
I guess my main question is: WHAT THE HECK am I doing, is she doing, are we doing... ? Am I okay or justified in getting a divorce? Should I feel bad about wanting to get full custody? Could her issues be a mental disorder or should I just "chalk it up" to religious freedom? I am questioning MY faith completely because of her actions justified by her faith. - How am I supposed to get past this?
Honestly, I am not even sure what to ask... I think I am just looking for approval or understanding... I would appreciate any constructive input.

I can’t wrap my mind around this. I’m a social worker who actually works with adults diagnosed with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. I had depression symptoms, so I went for a psychiatric evaluation and talked about events that happened from 10 years ago to 3 years ago. It doesn’t seem like I could have been near psychosis or anything similar. I know this mental illness well enough, and even though some events in my life could be interpreted as such, I don’t feel like I’m bipolar, especially not type 1. Am I just in denial? I don’t think so. Has anyone else been diagnosed with type 1 and felt like nothing major happened during so called manic episodes?