the video was a subliminal about protecting yourself from AI generated images due to my very bad paranoia about them at the time. nothing ug. i reffered to benefits as "bens", and the benefits were only accessible via word document. i have a spare account because of strict parents and cannot create another google account because i made this one before a phone number was required for a google account.
the only other possible thing i could have done was ug subliminals in my playlists, from when i was in a very bad mental state. i also made a point of only commenting under my own video from paranoia of my parents catching me.
fuck youtube. i was subscribed to literally no one so i couldnt have been flagged as a bot
"Hi ------,
We have reviewed your content and found severe or repeated violations of our spam, deceptive practices and scams policy. Because of this, we have removed your channel from YouTube.
We know this is probably very upsetting news, but it's our job to make sure that YouTube is a safe place for all. If we think a channel severely violates our policies, we take it down to protect other users on the platform - but if you believe we've made the wrong call, you can appeal this decision. You'll find more information about the policy in question and how to submit an appeal below.
What our policy says
Content that promotes spam, scams, or other deceptive practices isn’t allowed on YouTube."

I've seen some charged final shows of flop musicals, but Lempicka took the cake. Such adoration from the audience! So much palpable resentment from the producers and creative team at the curtain speeches along with their gratitude to the cast and fans.
A few things:

• The merchandise was sold out completely. There was nothing to sell. A lot of disappointed folks with that.
• The show started quite late. 2:20? for a 2 PM curtain. I was on the sidewalk at 5:22.
• When book writer Carson Kreitzer took her seat the audience gave her a large, loud extended ovation.
• Another pre-show applause burst out when a Lemperson waved a Pride flag with "Long Live Lempicka" written on it.
• The audience was raucous and unsettled. People were bursting with enthusiasm. The cell phone announcement got a major cheer.
• I counted at least 8 phones filming throughout. There will be many clips online I'm sure.
• Many standing ovations, too numerous to count. Maybe 10 in total throughout the show?
• Amber Iman sounded unbelievable. Just a powerhouse final vocal performance from her. When she moved to downstage for The Most Beautiful Bracelet, the cast behind the scrim behind her were going wild cheering for her. Lovely. I hope Lempicka launches Ms. Iman's career to great things.
• Eden Espinosa was in fantastic voice. No strained notes. She was a star, through and through. Woman Is was magnificent. The best new showtune of the year, IMHO.
• Somehow Beth Leavel's role didn't seem as tiny this time around. A particularly wonderful moment was in the Finale, when each of the people from Tamara's life pass in front of her as she reprises the "Your flesh, your color, your bone..." portion of Woman Is. Beth was in tears and touched Eden's cheek as she passed and Eden definitely got emotional, but held character. It was very moving.
• I don't know if Natalie Joy Johnson actually is a campy cabaret queer icon comedy diva, or if she's a method actor who took that persona on for the role, but she was in ALL HER GLORY. Hysterically funny, chewing the scenery. Fabulous. During the curtain speeches, she was sobbing and I couldn't help but think of seeing her as the sad angsty chubby girl singing A Quiet Night at Home in Bare all those years ago. I cannot wait to see more from NJJ.
• Lempeople are a special breed of fan. Some people were literally screaming through the show and there was a less-than-impressed woman in the mezzanine who turned and told two of them to shut up and not scream for every single line of the show. Doing God's work, that woman was. I love an enthusiastic crowd and knew what I was in for with the final show. Still, some people need to learn there are other human beings around them and we go to theater to see the people on the stage, not to listen to them try to make the show about them. That said, this was an electric room to be in, and the vast majority of the audience was enthusiastic in the best way.
• You expect a final show to have a curtain speech or two from the director and maybe the composer. We had six. Two producers, Rachel Chavkin, Carson Kreitzer, Matt Gould, and another man who led us in a moment of silence--I don't know who that was. Can somebody please fill me in? Choreographer? Stage Manager?
• The curtain speeches went on and on and on, and based on her expression I think Eden was ready for them to end. The Longacre turned off the AC and it got very hot. All the speeches had the same theme: Chip on the shoulder, Fuck you to critics (with a whiff of a fuck you to the other new musicals this season, did anyone else feel that?), shocked that their show seemed to be singled out for closure amidst all the shows of the season, but a sincere love of the company and the audience who did come. Matt Gould, a man, closed it out with a somewhat rambling speech about women and fame and finding truth amidst fantasy. The main takeaway: Support theater that speaks to you and your lived experience. He's a talented composer. I look forward to what he does next.

I think Matt Gould hit the nail on the head of why Lempicka rose above other shows in my mind this year: It was authentically queer. It was authentically about an imperfect person, somebody who is downright unlikable at times. It eschewed glitz for something deeper and reached for some human truth. It may not have succeeded, but the act of trying was in itself art.

Welcome back to my running series of WWF PPV Reviews from a ‘blind’ perspective (I have no idea what’s going to happen; the results, the feuds or how good any of the matches will be). I have always heard stories of the attitude era and golden age but never watched it myself so I set myself to watching every single PPV event chronologically. I am also watching Wrestling Bios ‘reliving the war’ series to keep me updated inbetween the events with the feuds, and to get excited about upcoming matches.
Before I review the matches, based on the past few episodes of raw and last PPVs I’ll let you know, going into the event, which match I’m most excited for and which feud I’m most excited to see.
The match I’m most excited to see has gotta be Bret hart vs Undertaker. Two absolute all timers in the ring for the championship at summerslam? I mean come on what else can I pick it’s a sure fire banger.
The feud im most excited to see is actually Mankind vs HHH, I think they’ve got a really good dynamic and opening the show after last Ppv is genuinely exciting.
WWF Summerslam 1997 Match Ratings
HHH vs Mankind Steel Cage Match 2.75/5
Goldust vs Brian Pillman 1/5
The Godwinns vs Legion of Doom 1.25/5
Bulldog vs Shamrock 2.25/5
Los Boricuas vs Disciples of Apocalypse 0.5/5
Owen Hart vs Stone Cold Steve Austin 3.5/5
Bret Hart vs Undertaker 4.25/5
The steel cage match is actually the first I’ve seen since starting this journey so well over a year with no kind of cage match, definitely adds a level of anticipation and excitement.
In terms of the actual match tho it wasn’t anything too special and honestly their match at Canadian stampede was way more entertaining. There were however a couple of completely nuts spots, mankind being suplexed from the top of the cage, and mankind delivering a flying elbow from the top of the cage, he is just an insane man; how he did all these crazy bumps never ending his career super early or anything is just divine intervention. It’s good entertainment but it wasn’t the best match. It is however very telling of what’s to come in the WWF with upcoming PPVs, with hell in a cell and more insane high flying spots.
What I am loving is Mick Foleys character development, he comes to the ring as mankind, does his bang bang as a call back to cactus jack and at the end when he’s hurt, dude loves music plays, his foot starts moving and he starts dancing (ish). Everyone absolutely loved it and so did I.
The Pillman match against Goldust was very boring, I didn’t expect too much as I’m not that big of a Goldust fan if I’m completely honest; I just think he isn’t that exciting to watch. Pillman ends up losing which means… he has to wear a dress on raw? 😂 this whole gimmick match and feud is just an L for me. The crowd was surprisingly into it, but I don’t really know what to say about it, it was just a snooze fest.
Looking this match up I realised Pillman was injured during this event and he sadly passed away two months after this. Rest in peace he was a fantastic unhinged character and that’s a real shame. He just couldn’t perform as his body wouldn’t let him anymore.
Well that’s a rather sour note but let’s move onto the most established entertaining tag team at this point in the WWF legion of doom. But it’s a real shame that they had to get in with the godwinns as when the godwinns were in control which was over half the match they seriously slowed to to a snails pace, holding for way way too long. That spike piledriver at the end was cool by the legion of doom but to be honest most of the match was just another snoozefest. Just skip the last two matches.
Inbetween the next match there’s a SEVEN MINUTE section where they had this million dollar chance between a couple of live contestants and a couple of phone calls, no one ends up winning and it’s just pointless. Man the start to this event has been a mixed bag…
Shamrock actually has a very valid reason to be mad at the bulldog, with him having the bulldog throw dog food on him, so let’s hope this is a physical match to really get this PPV going.
And it was decently physical to be fair to them, I’m not sure I’m shamrock was out on his feet for a portion of it as he was no selling a few punches and had a busted lip so there’d been some sort of connection somewhere. Like I say though the angle they were going for was cooler than the actual match and it was satisfying seeing that after the match shamrock got himself DQd and just lost it, beating the bulldog after he threw dog food on him again, holding a chin lock on him so long he passes out, using finishers in referees, this was cool. The match was about restoring his honour in a way and he certainly did that. The crowd goes nuts and he’s in the ring just screaming, bloody brilliant. The actual match was a little lacking though and this should set up for a good match coming up.
And oh boy was I wrong genuinely I don’t know why but this match was so awful. For pretty much 90% of the time the wrestlers just didn’t know what to do. There were no impressive spots, no playing to the crowd, no psychology just nada. Like the last event I watched the ppv can benefit from less matches that are better booked. I don’t know why this match exists, I don’t know what it achieved. One thing that was insane was the amount of body hair Perez has… like it’s an insane amount, it’s not normal 😂 I couldn’t help but just look at it in complete awe like what the hell am I seeing? But when a man’s body hair is more entertaining than the match that’s a problem. When the pinfall came the crowd literally, I’m not joking, had 0 reaction. Avoid like the plague.
The next match I’m honestly having really mixed feelings about. Owen hart and Austin on paper should be a good match, and that it is… but this is when Austin’s neck was broken and he was temporarily paralysed after a botched piledriver. So this means… Austin is probably gunna go more part time after this. I don’t know this but I’m just assuming but we’ll see. IM NOT READY!!
Before I mention the injury again, the match was going extremely well and it was a tremendously entertaining bout. I find it crazy that they were making a big deal of Owen working the neck only for him to actually break it. The different styles of the wrestlers, Owen being technical and stone cold being a brawler really made for a pure class match. I’d imagine they were going to go a bit longer but had to come up with a new finish on the spot so credit to them for that. And ouch it was a horrible spot to see, knowing what was coming up I winced and cringed so hard when it happened. Owen does a good job of playing up to the crowd after the botch and covering over for the pinfall but seeing Austin just completely dead in the ring like that is heartbreaking after seeing his rise. They played it off so well in fact that the crowd doesn’t really seem to notice. Austin seems to insist on getting himself standing up and raising the belt, and he refuses help until he gets out of the arena, truly amazing dedication to the wwf and why he was and is a superstar. It’s a real shame it had to end like that because again they were performing really well and putting on a good show. Reading about it Austin was out for 3 months after this and apparently Owen hart was meant to drop to his knees not sit down which had a big part to do with the botch. GOD DAMN IT!! But we all know he returns an even bigger superstar, so I’ve got that to look forward to.
Okay enough about the injury, let’s get onto the main event.
Shawn being the referee and knowing the fighting that was happening backstage for real between Bret and Shawn made this really exciting. I bet this is gunna be full of drama!
The match starts off at break-neck pace (pun intended) with Bret hart smashing undertaker across the back with a belt and there’s no DQ because the bell hasn’t been rung yet. They exchange blows together as it goes back and forth in and out of the ring and I’m loving every second. Paul bearer eventually makes his way to the ring only the be smacked multiple times right on the jaw and god there’s something so satisfying about Paul bearer getting clocked. Multiple times Shawn is actually acting as a good referee which adds to the drama as Bret is keeping a close eye on him. Some of the hart foundation also come to the outside of the ring and undertaker does his iconic lean on the ropes to almost backflip outside the ring which looks so good and beats the hell out of them. I thought this would be dramatic!
This match was actually an absolute banger I really enjoyed it. Hart plays his heel perfectly as usual during the whole bout and when he’s eventually victorious the ring is filled with trash and people showering him with abuse. I thought even though this was a pretty long match at 30 minutes they were able to fill most of it with good action. The last 5 minutes were especially dramatic with a steel chair getting involved, Shawn is hurt on the outside and hart smacks undertaker clean across the head with it, Shawn notices the chair when he comes back into the ring and calls Bret out, Bret then spits on Shawn and he ducks as Shawn swings for him with the chair, he hits undertaker and that’s all she wrote. I think the match could’ve benefitted from being a bit shorter in all honesty; focus the action down to a shorter time but a longer match with Shawn as the special referee, undertaker vs Bret, WWF title, you can’t complain about it being too long. I would’ve liked to have seen a bit more offense from undertaker as his striking ability and in ring moves are so exciting to watch. But great match and it felt like a big main event as it should do at summerslam.
Overall the PPV had a great ending, a good start, and a terrible mid card. I really hope they don’t go back to booking boring mid cards with wrestlers they know can’t put on a show, instead they can stick with less matches with more quality. I did enjoy watching this though. I think the PPV will always be known for the piledriver botch but I think the main event is worth a watch as well. I also think this event was worth noting that a lot of people feel this is the beginning of the attitude era, people saying survivor series as well or December 1997 but we’ll see.
Overall rating 2.75/5

So me '29F' and my bf '33M' met in university and have been together for 7 years. We have always had our ups and downs like every other relationship but during our 2nd year we started talking about our future and the desire to get married once we have a decent career. Where my career took off and became stable on the other hand my bf's was not so much. Again, no issues, we have time to figure it out and keep trying. We both started a long distance relationship as he couldn't afford to live where we studied (I had no problem supporting him financially) nor did he have a valid visa. 3 years back he found a job in the country I live, continued working but had to resign as the pay was barely minimum and was long hours, was working almost 70+ hrs a week with a day off. As he has resigned we are back to being long distance again. During all this time I have been patient and accommodating and supportive. I am pretty sure my bf is at a low phase and has been depressed for a while. Now, my concern is, we text very frequently throughout the day (nothing practical) but if I don't put in the effort I don't see much of a text from him. I have stopped calling for a while as it was only always me calling and I realised he hasn't called me and we haven't spoken for 30 days. He has never planned a date, never initiated to do something involving both of us (never had the money so I understood). This has been going on for 7 years. When we are together we don't argue or fight, however his attention is mostly on his phone. He is a gamer so most of his nights are occupied playing games. Again, all of these things never bothered me earlier other than his lack of attention or enthusiasm. I have bought this up billions of time hoping it would get better but I feel I'm just nagging at this point (I remember him once complained to his friend I nag and stress alot). I'm now 29, I still don't worry much about his financial situation but at this point I feel is it worth being in a relationship where your partner doesn't really want or value you.. I'm torn as I feel this is the only emotional bandwidth he has due to him being upset about being unemployed or am I finding excuses to be with him? I want someone to love and value me for what I have to offer and I have been hoping I atleast get that much from him but it is just getting worse. From where we are therapy isn't really a thing unfortunately..also it's crazy expensive.
I'm so drained and tired to start over again. I love him so much but now I am starting to resent him for the way he makes me feel my feelings are not valid. I know he loves me and 100% not cheating. I still want to be married, even if he makes a bare minimum, I can support him till he does better. Are there any suggestions where I can make this relationship work?

I don't remember where I first heard this phrase, but the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. When you're depressed, it skews your entire worldview. Even things that should be accomplishments for us can become another excuse to put ourselves down. Like when you haven't brushed your teeth in awhile, so your gums bleed when you finally do; that always made me feel like shit about myself.
There's so much stigma around people who dont shower every single day, people who dont have a skincare or haircare routine, people who cant manage to brush and floss regularly. I think this stigma exists because of people who have never experienced the level of self hatred and despair some of us deal with every day. I honestly think it's a terrible way to look at things, because when the whole world is calling you disgusting for not having perfect hygiene, and you know damn well you don't have the energy to go clean every inch of your body, you start to feel like there's no point in even trying.
You're not disgusting because you haven't showered today. You're not disgusting because you haven't flossed your teeth in months.
If you brushed your teeth today, and they bled like crazy, be PROUD of that. It means you removed tough plaque and now your gums can start to heal.
If you only had the energy to use mouthwash today, be proud of that. You did something that other people may not have had the motivation to do today.
If you washed your pits in the sink today, be proud of that. If you got in the shower but didn't have the energy to wash every part, be proud of that too.
You're taking care of yourself. You're doing better than you do some days. Accomplishments look different for everyone, and when you stop putting yourself down and recognize them for what they are, it starts to feel easier to do a little more every day. Recovery is not linear, nor is it instantaneous. It'll take time. You're not gonna wake up one day being able to consistently practice perfect hygiene. Maybe you have days where you can, and that's great, but building up to the full routine is how you make progress that sticks with you. Consistency is important, but you will make mistakes, and you need to recognize that just because you did, it doesn't detract from all the progress you've made.
Changing the way I view myself in regards to self care has helped me quite a bit and I hope it helps some of you. (Also; gamification can help a ton! Apps like Habitify and Sweepy won't punish you when you miss a day, but reward you for any amount of effort put in, and they can help give you the dopamine boost you might struggle to feel on your own.) If you don't have a place to share your accomplishments without being put down by those who dont understand, I encourage you to share here, whether that's in the comments or somewhere else on the sub. Whatever you've done to care for yourself today, I'm proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself. :)

A lot of people do love them to fleece the Lord's sheep with the "Lord, Lord" passage, so I'm here to present a counterpoint before this Scripture twisting claims another apostasy and earns the atheist sub one more follower.
God is not an ungrateful sky prick who cares nothing about what you do for Him. Yes, He does have a warrant to not to care because indeed what the Supreme Being has to gain from little worms such us Humans? But here's the thing: God, much unlike how Humans would be if they had His power and position, is good and loving to an unimaginable degree. The Psalmists were not gushing empty praises when they said that God's Benevolence is endless.
But people keep seemingly forgetting that God is loving and merciful and keep projecting this image of Him being anything but loving and merciful. All because of one twisted passage.
Let's unpack Matthew 7:22. People interpret it as a message of serving God being useless Salvation-wise because no matter if you outright manifest miracles and preach the Gospel, the Lord will supposedly pretend He never knew you despite literally having directly talked to you through the Holy Spirit if you got to the point of being eager to serve Him, supposedly because of some kind of minor slip up or minor deviation of some theological detail that God has made of point of leaving up for interpretation and casuistic wisdom-based application. Is this the God you believe? This is the God you call good, loving and merciful? If yes, please seek therapy because you are in the early phases of CPTSD and you are being gaslit by spiritual abusers and/or abusive parents (if you aren't an abuser yourself). But I digress.
A God that forgets service for Him is not the God of the Bible, because the Bible literally states that God doesn't forget service for Him. It's right there in Hebrews 6:10, in no ambiguous terms. Let alone all the promises of God of rewards for fulfilling the Law, which is fulfilled automatically through Faith in the Lord as Lord and Saviour.
Also, a God that ignores pleas for mercy and deferential judgement is not the God of the Bible, because He Himself said that He will always give what is asked for. It's right there in Matthew 7:7-11, with literally not "but", no "excepting", no nothing that would violate the promise.
Additionally, there is a biblical precedent of someone do claiming "Lord, Lord, didn't I stuff for you?" and being... ACCEPTED, SAVED and BLESSED for it. It's in 2 Kings 20. God outright changed His mind from the prophecy He gave to Isayah, and because of a simple claim of works-based righteousness of someone who didn't even know the Lord existed so there was no way to believe Him as Lord and Saviour, """violating""" several Bible passages in both Old and New Testaments. Why that? Because God is good, loving and merciful to that extent. This is not the full explanation, though, but I will get to that.
Now you may ask, "But then why did Jesus say that He would reject the people claiming 'Lord, Lord'?". About that, let's clear a huge misunderstanding that was perpetrated by the Synagogue of Satan: the concept of falling away.
Although there is a real biblical explanation for this principle (and I will get to that), C.S Lewis has said it succintly: the door of Hell is locked from inside. It means that there is no such a thing as God looking down and denying mercy to a supplicating sincere repenting person. Not even in Hell. All cases of God being stern and firmly opposed to human desires for salvation and grace are strictly reserved for Apostates. And I mean real, red-blooded Apostates, not backsliders. A true Apostate is someone who outright denies the Gospel, fully consciously and fully deliberately, from a fully sincere position of deciding to hate and reject God. Apostasy is not an accident, nor something that can even implied from actions or lack thereof of people suffering from Scrupulosity. A real Apostate is glad and happy for being so, so no real Apostate will ever come here and say that they have fallen away, they will instead be commemorating it in any deconstruction-narrative abiding venue. Apostates hate God and unironically say He's wrong and evil.
Apostates are so because they have made the decision to engage themselves into a mental downwards spiral of distrusting God and denying the effectiveness of godliness despite having appearance of it (as explicitly said in 2 Timothy 3:5). There are two ways of doing it: Legalism and Cheap Grace. Legalism denies the absolute and unchecked sin-cleansing power of the Blood of Jesus by disbelieving on it to the point of wanting to be righteous by human efforts; and Cheap Grace denies the sanctifying power of the Holy Spirit by persisting in sin. Both leads down to the same path of distrusting God in one way or another. This distrust in God confirms itself through it's effects of elliciting God's distaste, which manifests in form of God not imparting Faith on Legalists and not convicting Cheap Gracers on their sins. Thus it becomes a downwards spiral that end is apostasy because the distrust starts to feel warranted as God is not acting for nor against something that was strictly no fault of His, and thus the distrust becomes rejection due to it feeling warranted. In actuality, they are just struggling in a cage made by themselves and never choosing to acknowledge that they are just being stupid. At absolutely no point in this internal debacle they ask for God's mercy, because they are sure that they are in the right. Hence the "Hell's door is locked from the inside".
Thus, all stern warnings and threats against Apostasy are really warranted. After all, who would like to put up with someone who actively chooses to hate you more and more even though you are literally doing nothing to earn such heat? Neither would God. He is merciful, but not stupid.
All that said, there is a way out of this downward spiral. Yes, even for Apostates there is hope, however small it may be. The way out is simply repentance, changing of mind. That's why God will be merciful even if you fit the bill of Apostasy perfectly, even if you are willfully sinning, even if you blaspheme the Holy Spirit, even if you in the past made a decision of rejecting Him, even if He says He never knew you, even if He says you're done for. Just as it was with Ezekiah, who got told He was condemned and got off the hook by repenting, you will break out from the Apostasy spiral by simply repenting, and all threats, warnings and sentencings against you will poof away. These are only for Apostates. Apostates never repent, so if you repent, you are not an Apostate, so the warnings are not for you.
So... Yeah. God is not ingrate. Your terrible fate is only set in stone if you want it to be.

I love the Top Spin series, and I am playing this game and I will stay play for a little longer, but there are things that when I see them make me think that 2K couldn’t care less about putting a great product from the beginning, and that make this game looks like a poor version of a AA game to say the least.

1. The trophy ceremony. When you see the same woman, with the same look and the same clothes in every single tournament, then you know they couldn’t care less about the beauty and authentic feeling of a tournament. This is happening in 2024!
2. The cut scenes from the public. Repetitive, with people that look the same next to each other. I am sick of seeing the same woman looking at her phone.
3. The absent of traces from you gameplay. Even the old ones were leaving traces from your footwear, especially on clay.
4. The reality given by the line refs and ballers. They don’t move, they don’t go to get the balls, etc. It makes the game so bleak.
5. The clothing and characters. So generic. For the love of god! Just port the system from NBA2k. Let’s have some diverse faces.
6. The years to get to be a top players to play a Grand Slam and play someone that you might know. You can’t have this game and need to play 10-15 hours, or more to be able to play Roland Garros. Just can’t if you care about your fanbase.
7. Training modes. They cannot be more repetitive and boring. The old games have even better ones.
8. Roster that lacks almost in every single aspect. Very few players from the top 50 and just a few legends.
9. Graphics. Especially the few licensed players. I mean, really?

Yes, the game plays beautifully, even though it has some of the old problems with open shots, stamina that barely does anything, etc.
Let’s be real, they are not going to make this game fantastic and fixed most of this simple things, that also are not extremely expensive, but will make the game more polished, but one can just dream.

Warning this is a very long read without a TLDR
I left this sub and joined the ryerson sub in 2021. Leaving behind my big drive of notes which is what I assume keeps driving these posts talking about grade inflation to my feed. My last few comments were very similar to everyone’s posts as of now - grade inflation, unfair admissions, feeling close to your goals and it being taken away. 3 years later here’s where I came from and what I’m doing now, why it’s not your fault and to offer a bit of hope if it helps. :)
In grade 12 (end of 2021) I had an 89 average, I was rejected from the majority of life sci and health sci programs (if a school had both I applied to both of them) - mac, u of t, queens, western. I got into York psych, health, TMU bio, undeclared arts and psych (waitlist), Laurier health sci and ottawa health sci. (some of my programs might be off if it’s wrong, the overarching field is what I mean). My goal was U of T life sci and to go to medical school. Laurier and Ottawa were off the table after my family and I came to the conclusion that we don’t have the money for me to move away, removing my last two life/sci options. I honestly wasn’t a big fan of York leaving TMU as my last option. I really wanted a life science or health science program because the curriculum after first year was not simply bio, chem, physics so I veered from biology at TMU.
So I ultimately ended up accepting undeclared arts as I was waitlisted for psychology. At the end of June, I got off the waitlist for psychology and accepted that. At the time, I was seriously unhappy with myself I was angry at the fact that people were getting opportunities that I wanted that didn’t deserve them due to inflation and lack of standardization of monitoring of tests during online schooling and just overall how poorly my high school experience ended. I’m talking full breakdowns about how I worked so hard and got nothing in return. I had teachers who genuinely believed that I was one of the best students that they had in years and told me that I would go far. I had a teacher go as far as writing a letter for no reason other than to just say how proud they were of me and how they knew that I would do great - which at the time I truly didn’t believe after not achieving any of the goals that I had set for myself at the beginning of grade 12.
My first year of psychology was online for my first semester where I did decently well I got a 3.0 my second semester, ended up being entirely in person because the online sections of classes were full. At the time I wanted to do medicine this dream quickly got away from me when second semester in person classes left me with a 2.67 gpa for the semester. I had a realization looking upon my peers who were still completely online at TMU or at other universities had much much better GPA than me and I wouldn’t be able to get into medicine with my GPA. So again I felt let down by systems that ultimately led to further inequality in education. I let go of the idea of medicine and had no idea what I wanted to do after my undergrad.
After my first year, I decided to join the course union at my school, which was one of the best decisions I ever made. I met amazing people who encouraged me to do better, peers who were higher years than me and gave me advice when needed and from there, my grades got better. after joining the course union I joined the liberal arts union and from there I worked on about five more different positions over the next two years. TMU is generally not seen as the best school and it’s not necessarily “competitive” but that can work in your favour because there’s so many positions available whereas at other schools where people may be more inclined to take these these positions making them more competitive. Joining these course unions gave me so many opportunities and so many things that are now on my CV that continue to provide more opportunities, for example I was offered a job at the school based on all my experience. My CV is now what I would consider amazing with all the work that I’ve gained that is applicable to the field that I want to work in and because of my experience on my CV I got a research assistant position where I have a great academic relationship with a prof. And I got my gpa up enough it’s not near a 4.00 or anything crazy but it’s good enough for me to get into grad school.
I always knew that I didn’t want to stay in psychology after I graduated so I completed my degree in three years rather than four. I also want to mention you do not need to complete your degree in three years. There’s no need for it. Had I stayed for an extra year I would’ve had so many more opportunities with extracurriculars. It’s just I did not love the psychology curriculum enough to want to stay in it for another year. I had taken summer school courses before coming to this conclusion, and I had so many credits that I didn’t want to switch programs so I fast tracked. All that being said, do not rush your degree unless for example, you don’t like it and have plans to do something unrelated afterwards - for me it was a masters in a different field that the only requirement was a bachelor’s degree so I didn’t see the point in switching. Having gained all of the research experience and extracurricular experience in the field that I want to pursue is what made my degree nonetheless beneficial even though I wasn’t doing what I had originally planned.
As of now, I will be beginning my masters at U of T in the fall (not in psychology). I feel very accomplished and fulfilled with everything I’ve done and I feel like the person that all those teachers said that I was back in high school. While I didn’t go to U of T for life sciences, and become a doctor like I had thought I would I am going to U of T nonetheless for a field I didn’t even know existed. I found and great community and something I genuinely love by continually working hard after feeling like I was ripped off by grade inflation and online school. All of which is so minuscule to everything I’ve gone on to do.
Moral of my story is you might feel ripped off right now, that your hard work went unnoticed and you might feel like you’re never going to accomplish your goals. But the truth is, it's very minuscule to the potential that you have. And as long as you continue to use your work ethic and potential wherever you go, you will be successful. You don't need big fancy school. You can do just as well if not better at schools that are seen as less prestigious or competitive as long as you continue to put in the hard work that you did in high school. So please don't feel like you have lost something but feel that you have gained the potential to do more. If you’re truly uncertain about accepting a program, take the time off think about alternate fields and try applying again, it might be better than toughing it out in a program you don’t really care about. If you’re dead set on going to university this fall, don’t wanna take time off and want to apply again and didn’t get into the one you planned, join extracurriculars meet new people and keep putting in work and it will pay off.
And I’m not saying you’re wrong in anyway for complaining and feeling the way that you feel because I felt the same way. You’re all valid asf. All I’m saying is don’t beat yourself up and don’t feel like you’re the problem because there’s so many opportunities for you so long as you seek them out and take them and you will end up in a much better position in the end.

My (35M) ex best friend (36M) wants to sit down and talk in person about why we’re no longer friends two years later ahead of our mutual friends wedding in a few months. I haven’t been able to talk about why I walked away until recently. For clarity, I removed them from all of my social media except for WhatsApp and they didn’t reach out after I did so. I’ve written the below to read to them when we meet. Is it too much or should I be completely honest? Names changed for privacy.
“I think for you to understand why I did what I did, I need you to understand where it all started and where it’s all coming from. What I’m about to tell you is from my own point of view and I understand your perception of these situations at the time and now will more than likely differ.
I told you a couple of years ago in passing after having a few drinks that I had had a crush on you. That was putting it mildly. As for a long time I had very strong romantic feelings for you and I would say I had fallen in love with you.
I had developed a crush on you earlier in our friendship and the longer we stayed friends, the more intense my feelings started to develop.
When you went through one of the worst things I think anyone could go through, I thought I could shield you from the hurt you were going through and would continue to go through if I threw my whole being into being there for you, irrespective if you ever would feel the same about me. During this time, I felt our dynamic shift that beyond a friendship. Before you and Taylor broke up, for a series of months I felt you investing yourself emotionally in me and it felt that I had become someone or somewhere for you to have the emotional outlet you no longer had with Taylor. I don’t know and I don’t think this was done consciously by you. I think it was a result of circumstance.
After you and Taylor broke up, I clutched on to the sliver of hope that maybe this would be my time. If I waited, let you move on and continue to be there for you like I had been for so long, that maybe one day you’d turn to me and tell me what I wanted to hear. And then within a few weeks you told me you had started to see Ben. I remember the exact moment you told me so vividly, because for the first time in such a long time, I felt my heart break. A few minutes later I walked out of bar and hid in the car park and cried for as long as I could without raising suspicion as to where I was gone and I slapped my best friend face and personality back on.
Over the following 10 months or so, I felt you push me further and further away. The closeness we once had was starting to fade away. I had to try adapt to what our friendship was now going to be and also try move on from my feelings for you. Our time spent together went from what felt like constant to almost non existent. I also felt like Ben took a dislike to me, this left me apprehensive of being around you together, again this is my perception and may be different to you or Ben even. To be honest, I didn’t want to be around you two together because I didn’t want to have to see Ben get from you what I wanted.
When I started to date Josh it felt like I had started to move on from what I felt for you. You were no longer the person that occupied my mind the most. I started to feel happy again and I felt like I could be your friend, and just your friend. Then Josh ended it with me out of nowhere and I started to fall into a place of hurt and rejection by someone I started to really care about and trying to deal with feeling like that about you. Then a few days later I see on Instagram you had liked his post from two days after he ended things with me. At that time, I wasn’t in a place of full mental clarity and it felt to me that you intentionally did it to hurt me because you misinterpreted an evening where Aidan and I hung out and you thought that we were excluding you. I had thought you were someone that would never intentionally hurt me, and when I saw that, I felt as if you that hurt me more than anyone ever could.
Liking Josh’s post wasn’t the reason I removed you from my life, but it was the final straw for me. For months there were small but frequent instances of where I felt myself being pushed further and further from you. Our friendship had completely changed and I no longer felt valued or needed by you.
I had to step away from our friendship because it was killing me. And I had to decide between you being the Sun I orbited that would eventually burn up my oceans and leave me hollow. Or walking away, silently and without confrontation to find me again.
Walking away from you and the memories of our friendship was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do but I had to walk away.
You were probably the best friend I ever had and will probably ever have. I’m happy we had that time together but we’ll never be able to be friends again. I hope this clears up everything for you and I can see now that there was so much more to our friendship ending then what I think either of us thought. “

First off, feel free to comment about your own experiences. I would love it if anybody can relate. I'm also open to questions, advice, whatever you wanna write. This is gonna be a bit longer, just fyi. Excuse lack of proper chronological order and maybe some wonky sentences, English isn't my first language.
I was parentified.
For context, my mother has three children, I'm the youngest one, then there's my older half-brother (30) and my older half-sister (36). Their father was a violent alcoholic with schizophrenic tendencies (official diagnosis), luckily I never met him. I refer to them as brother and sister. I'm 21 now. I'm the only child of my mom and my dad, my dad has three other kids who are in the same age group as my maternal siblings. Lots of history with divorces and family fights, I'm the center of a complete patchwork family, everybody moved towns a lot, it's all a bit messy and disorganized.
My mother has severe borderline disorder and has massive trauma from several age stages, especially involving men. She was heavily parentified and yet socially cast out by her family herself. I don't remember a time where I didn't act like her father, emotionally. This is made worse by the fact that I'm trans so I was like her bestie before I began socially transitioning in my early teen years. Of course, this was a massive issue for her. She told me she had only ever wanted daughters. Materially she was taking care of things until I was about 11 - walked me to school and took care of the household, used to work, everything.
I remember sitting next to her during a talk/fight she had with my dad while she was sobbing, I can't have been older than 3 or 4. They got divorced around that time. As I grew older, I came to be my mom's sole emotional support person. We had moved to an isolated village with my step-father and she developed a severe agoraphobia for some time. My step-father avoided all emotionality with both her and me and therefore I was now her only friend. I overheard conversations that she shouldn't be having with her child next door and was told about her most severe fears and traumas from a young age. I was lashed out at on a near daily basis and punishment came unexpectedly. It would consist of being screamed at for minutes on end until I would cry and hyperventilate, but she wouldn't stop then.
In spite of her idea of punishment and raising children, she was incredibly attached to me, still is. This would include massive anxiety fits when she didn't know where I was or when I was getting into activities she didn't approve of. One time, when I was about 17, I went to a party in my friend's basement. She knew about this and approved it, knew my friends and where they lived. I didn't have any signal in that basenent so she couldn't reach me. She proceeded to look up my other friends' parents' phone number and call them to contact me. There was nothing she wanted except to know that I had arrived there.
Whereas my other siblings had long left the household years apart from eachother, both with specific and complex fights and banging doors and screaming fits, I was, as the youngest child, turned into a confessional and a therapist. I would mediate fights from a young age. I witnessed physical violence between my brother, my mother and my sister. My brother was the perpetrator for the most part (however, I was neither hurt nor threatened myself). Nobody proceeded to remove me from the situation or stop me from getting involved. From then on, every fight and every drama caused me intense bouts of anxiety and it, to this day, remains to be the only thing that makes me cry and/or lash out.
In a household full of anger, my anger was not tolerated. I was raised with some old-timey sort of black paedagogy (edit: by this i mean some nazi-era remnants type of paedagogy) (I'm German so it is something of a generational curse for some): I was to have unwavering respect for my parents, I was expected to be obedient, "let him cry it out" type stuff. At least when I was a younger child. When I got older, my emotions did not matter either. After stressful situations or fights that I proceeded to witness for most of my life, nobody ever asked me how I felt or explained to me what had actually gone down. I was left alone while not being left alone at all.
If I failed to provide emotional security for my mother or even attempted to call her out, I was made to feel immensely guilty. This could range from her crying/yelling things like "Why is it always me that must suffer" to guilt-tripping texts and blocking my contact for a while to very action-based suicide threats, depending on the situation. Her emotions were forced to be my emotions if I wanted to "stay alive".
At the same time, I still proceeded to excel in school. I felt like dying but nobody, and I tell you, nobody, noticed. I was a teacher's pet, I still had some loose friendships, I visited my dad once a month or more ever since my parents divorced. Nobody realized what I felt. I felt alone and had the worst depressive episode of my life when I was 13. I neglected personal hygiene. I never opened up to my father for many years. To this day I think he doesn't know everything. Especially during covid, him and my ex-stepmother were my safe space. When I first opened up to them, they welcomed me with open arms, my father was very strict and cold when I was young, but he softened, changed, and is everything and more I could ask for in a father. He is among the most positive examples of masculinity and especially of fatherhood that I know in my circles. He sends me postcards several times a month, wants me to visit, hugs me and tells me he loves me and that he's proud, gives me space. The dad who remembers the names of our childhood stuffed animals. Literally. I love him to death. He was also the only parent who engaged in activities with me and would play with me, later on take me to the movies, go to bars and restaurants, go to museums with me etc.
My mother got worse both psychologically and physically, she is chronically ill and needs immense support in a lot of things now. For about a year, my stepfather worked in a town far away and only came home during the weekends. This was during covid. Within a year, I developed a hatred so deep for my mother that I had thoughts that scared me. I took care of our pets and the household, was not allowed to get into any activities after school other than coming home and spent hours after my day listening to her rants, anxieties, fears. I get hateful goosebumps when I remember the way she used to call my name when she wanted me to do something for her. Sometimes she would make me stay awake for longer, knowing that I had to get up at 6am again. It was usually already around 12 at night. She wanted me to walk the dog before SHE went to bed because otherwise it would ruin her otherwise horribly insomniac circadian rhythm. Therefore I was not allowed to go to sleep. At that point she had not worked for more than 6 years and stayed home all the time. My stepfather and I did grocery shopping. She rarely ever leaves the house if she can avoid it. This was during the German version of my GCSE's.
I was denied medical care that could have potentially fixed my posture issues and other orthopedic issues. My mother deemed physiotherapy as inefficient and got mad when I asked her about it again. Money was always an issue. We were evicted once. I was denied certain things and never asked for extra cash because we ran low on money, my stepfather was blamed for smoking and consuming a lot of meat (which indeed is pricy), but my mother never reflected on her online shopping addiction and I'm aware that she is in an ongoing debt. Has been for years now.
Things got a bit better when my stepfather moved back and Covid cleared up somewhat. Regardless, I used pure spite to continue studying hard while they were yelling at eachother from the top of their lungs for hours on end and did the best I could to get the hell out of there. I've had therapy with several years' of breaks for a total of nearly 3 years now, that I partially applied for myself and I'm working on tackling everything. I live in a different city, studying subjects that I love. I get all my shit done, for the most part, I know how to do paperwork and know how all of the chores work. I can regulate myself in terms of sleep and food and cheap thrills. I have a (milder) case of anxiety. I keep meaningful friendships in which I find myself capable of avoiding all the harmful behaviors and attitudes I was taught. I'm learning to stand my ground and take responsibility for my own decisions and actions.
When I establish my boundaries with her now, she turns into some sort of anxious-attached mess. She over-apologizes to me. She puts me on a pedestal and I'm living a life that she is jealous of. She is intensely attached to me and considers me her favorite child and also hasn't properly gotten over my father, over 15 years of them being divorced. She will do anything to support me materially and then tear me down emotionally. Everything I tell her is followed by her mourning the life she doesn't have and never had instead of properly celebrating with me. She gets noticeably sad when I refuse to give her my full attention, she yearns for what she considered a deep and important relationship to me. But it was all just emotional neglect and emotional abuse. Now I sometimes can't help but meet her with the same attitude she gave me.
This is not perfectly chronological and all over the place. I have complicated relationships with my siblings and other relatives, which I don't mourn, but feel guilty about. My father and I are very good with eachother although I need to confront him about some things as well. With my mother I do the bare minimum to avoid conflict, yet without throwing my sense of self out of the window again. She is the only human who can easily cause anxiety attacks in me, no matter where or when. I sometimes wish I was not in contact with her. I have a tendency for smoking too much weed and being just a bit too careless with other drugs (although I rarely do those in comparison), but I also try and regulate this heavily (e.g. not finding a dealer but asking friends every once in a while etcetc). I think this stems from these experiences. Apart from that, I think I'm coping very well.
To everybody: it does get better. It does. Even when your emotions are a rollercoaster sometimes. You will be in a different place, maybe you already are, and you'll escape from these structures. I think the hardest pill for me to swallow is that I create my own reality and that nobody will give me my stolen childhood back. I am an (albeit young) adult now and I must do everything I can to avoid becoming like her. Her life is not a life I want to lead. There's hope and you won't always be in this place.

As the shiny weekend comes to a close, I and I'm sure many others have played a lot of endless the last few days. While I do love this game, I can't help but notice how much of a drag endless is. Endless is basically just one big gambling simulator where you get dopamine when you get a shiny or legendary and it keeps you playing long enough to get the next hit. As someone who enjoys both making and balancing games, I wanted to take some time to dive into why endless has the problems it does and how they can be fixed. My hope in sharing these ideas is that endless will eventually be revamped into something more fun in the long term instead of just a shiny grind. So strap in as we discuss the problems with endless and how to fix them.

Part 1: Why play RogueLites?

I think the first step to understanding what is wrong with endless is to understand why we are even playing this game in the first place. I hear the terms roguelite and roguelike used interchangeably a lot so I wanted to quickly address the difference between them. The short of it is roguelikes complete reset your progress in between runs while roguelites have some progress carry over. This puts PokeRogue firmly in the roguelite category, since you can unlock new starters, and as such, I will be operating under the assumption that having progress carry over between runs is important to the game for the remainder of this post.
As for what makes roguelites fun, I think there are a few different factors. First and foremost is replayability. Since a run is never the same as any other, the genre has infinite replays built in, so long as you don't get bored of the core gameplay mechanics. However, the enemies and rewards you get during each run are not the only thing that can change between runs.
This leads me to my second point which is the fun of trying new builds. Most roguelites have a wide variety of weapons and approaches to progressing that can either be chosen at the start or unlocked during the run. Because of the random nature of the genre, even similar builds will fluctuate run to run and trying to get your build to function perfectly like you want it to is a fun challenge. You may have an idea of what you want to use but then you get an item that changes the way your build works and so next time you play this build, you actively seek out this item because it was a cool adaptation. Being able to not only try, but succeed, with a variety of strategies and builds is incredibly important to the long term fun and replayability of roguelites.
The final factor in why roguelites are fun is because you can constantly push for a new record. This is specifically something unique to endless. The game can never truly be beaten. You as the player set a goal for yourself and compete against that goal, trying to achieve it. When you eventually do, you set a new goal and push for that one. These goals can be personal to you, like trying to reach a certain round or seeing how far you can progress with a specific build, or they can be more competitive, like trying to push for a record in the highest round ever achieved.
Roguelites are addicting and fun because you never truly beat them, you just find new ways to play them. Now that we understand a bit about why roguelites are fun, let's look at PokeRogue to see how it matches up.

Part 2: Endless is a Solved Game

First, let's look at the good parts of endless. Endless has good rewards for playing it. As you go deeper into endless, you get more and more rare starters. Right now, starters are the only thing that carries over between runs so endless is the best way to progress your account. In theory, this should increase replayability as you can do an endless run, get new starters, do a run with your new starters, rinse and repeat. In practice though this simply isn't true.
While the progression endless gives your account is good, it's ultimately pretty meaningless and most of the actual experience of playing endless isn't fun at all. When you get deep into an endless run, which is arguably where most endless players will aim for since otherwise you would play classic, the game becomes stagnant. You one shot everything or you get one shot. Type matchups don't matter. Stats don't matter. Nothing matters except being able to oneshot the opponent through whatever tokens or abilities they have. This isn't a problem in itself but if we look a little deeper it becomes one.
There's nothing wrong with different builds simply being different ways to oneshot. What is an issue though is when the core mechanics of Pokemon stop mattering and there is only one way to win battles. Type matchups are arguably the most important mechanics in Pokemon, right after catching new Pokemon. The fact that these eventually are rendered useless means that there's no reason for this to be a Pokemon game in the first place. Additionally, even just having a really strong Pokemon that can cut through everything with strong STAB doesn't work because the only late game strategy that works is fixed damage and sturdy. When you finally reach rounds that push the limits of where you've been before, these should be the rounds that your build is online and being tested. Instead, you are forced to transition to a Pokemon with sturdy and metal burst or fixed damage like salt cure plus soak. There is no room for trying different builds to push boundaries because the game has been solved. We know what the best and only strategy is and if you aren't using it, you can't compete.
The fact that only one strategy is viable means that any progress you make between runs doesn't matter either. Why use new starters when you're just gonna end up using gargancl with salt cure or metal burst blissey? This means that the only thing that endless is actually good for, making your account stronger, is made irrelevant by the same mode. This is the biggest problem endless has but there are a few smaller ones I'd like to quickly address.

Part 3: Smaller Endless Problems

I'll try to keep this section brief and run through these problems quickly.
First, generic encounters are too time consuming. There is no reason the random, non-boss Pidgeott should ever take more than 5 seconds to defeat. Generic encounters serve the purpose of giving you a few rewards to make you stronger before the next major fight. Endure tokens waste so much time. If I'm overkilling this raticate by 5000%, I shouldn't have to sit through 30 seconds of dialogue telling me it endured the hit, raised all its stats, flinched, and then need to select my move again. Even boss encounters don't need endure tokens. They are already gated by segmented health bars. These are actually good and mean you have to think about how to get through them. Why then, does the boss get to live with 1 hp when I've finally overcome it? Simply put endure tokens need to go.
Second, boss battles are too repetitive. I don't mean pokemon labeled "boss" but instead the bosses you encounter every 50 floors. These should be the rounds that test your build but instead, it's the same as every other "boss" you encounter in the run. These rounds need to be made harder and all other rounds should be easier, that way there's a clear distinction between fodder and challenge. The Eternatus encounters are actually pretty good from a challenge perspective since they regularly take a while to beat. If the 50 floor encounters were more like this, and the Eternatus encounters were varied with some other Pokemon so you need multiple strategies instead of just a fairy/steel to wall it, the boss fights would be pretty good.
Finally, if you can't oneshot an enemy, it shouldn't be able to oneshot you. Essentially, bosses need to not be able to be oneshot. What this means though is that you will take hits and in that case, you need to be able to survive them. Damage Reduction tokens are actually ok but damage multipliers just make every move a oneshot. Boss fights should play out more like VGC matches, where there's constant switching of your Pokemon to have an advantageous type matchup. Your switches need to be able to survive hits when they come in, or else you need a way to correctly predict when you can make a switch for free to get a better Pokemon out.
I could go more in depth on all these problems and maybe I will sometime but for now just know they are there and will influence what the fixes need to fix.

Part 4: The Fixes

Now that we understand what's wrong with endless, let's talk about fixing it.
The first and easiest change is that endure tokens need to be removed. This speeds up the game and gets you into boss fights faster. Simple, done, this one change makes the game so much more fun and less tedious.
For some bigger changes, let's take a look at the rest of the tokens. Status tokens mean nothing since your Pokemon will always have infinite lum berries once you get 3 berry pouches and a mini black hole. Fusion tokens are cool. These throw wrenches at you and are fun and should stay. Damage reduction tokens are ok. These tokens prevent you from oneshotting the boss and as we discussed before, that's good. Damage multipliers increase the problem of oneshots though and for that reason need to either be heavily nerfed or removed. If my defensive Archaludon is getting onehshot by vine whip, that's a problem. Finally, recovery tokens are alright. The make it so you can't just stall out a boss completely. You have to constantly be damaging them so they don't heal back to full. I would limit these though to heal a smaller amount. Something like 1/16 of max HP every turn should be the maximum that recovery tokens can do. This is the same as leftovers in the main series and that is one of the best items for survivability in the entire game.
I would make the following changes to tokens: remove endure tokens, remove status tokens, remove damage multiplier tokens, heavily nerf recovery tokens, keep fusion tokens, and keep damage reduction tokens. Also, remove all tokens from any Pokemon without a boss health bar. You may think this is too big a nerf to enemies but in conjuction with this, I think the mini black hole also needs to be changed or removed. With status tokens gone, it's more important than ever that status is meaningful when it is inflicted. Without the mini black hole, you need to actually think about what to do about status instead of just letting your infinite lum berries solve it for you. Maybe now you need to spend some of your post encounter rewards on lum berries or items other than rare candies since you can't just steal them off wild pokemon for free. Of course, things like magician and thief still exist but these are ok because they are niche. The grip claw is also alright since it isn't guaranteed to steal something, it just gives you a little more breathing room.
Next up on the list is boss fights. For this section, I'm only referring to the every 50 floor ones. The token changes I believe would solve a lot of the problems with this fights but there are two big changes I would implement. First, these fights should all be 2v1 double battles like the final battle of classic. This gives room for more strategy and makes switching out more of a viable option if you can predict which slot the AI will target. Second change is to increase the movepools of all bosses. This may be controversial but I think bosses should not be limited to 4 moves. Bosses having a wider variety of options makes them much more formidable and means you need to prepare for more threats. As for what these movepools would be, I would say any egg moves or level up moves should be fair game. Maybe some tms as well but those would need to be hand selected which is harder to implement.
The last few changes I'd add focuses on making starter choice important and allowing for cooler builds. There needs to be more variety in held items. The main series has so many cool options to draw from and adding them makes for a lot of variety in what a given pokemon can do. Imagine a Pokemon with sniper and 3 scope lenses to always crit. Or a Pokemon with a bunch of leftovers and rocky helmets and rough skin. In return for the wider variety, there would need to be some limit on how many non-berry, non-consumable held items a pokemon could have. Without a limit, the best strategy would still be to just stack all the items on one Pokemon and let it sweep. I think 20 would be a good place to start though this could be changed. It also adds an opportunity cost. Your sweeper can't also be tank with 3 leftovers because you need to use those item slots for offensive items.
Finally, I would add one new item to the game with a unique effect. Similar to the DNA splicers, this would allow you to combine two Pokemon to get a stronger one. The new item would be ability capsule and here's how it works. The ability capsule allows you to select a pokemon from your party, sacrificing said Pokemon and adding its ability to another Pokemon. The catch though is that the ability can only be added to a Pokemon that was selected as a starter for the run. Some abilities would have to be non-transferable like wonder guard or stance change but I think this goes a long way in making really cool combinations to aim for late game. It also makes your starter selection more important since you can think about what abilities you want to add to your starter later.

Conclusion and TL;DR

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. To those of you who just scrolled to the bottom, here's the TL;DR of changes

• remove endure tokens, status tokens, damage multiplier tokens
  
• nerf recovery tokens
  
• remove mini black hole
  
• remove tokens from non-boss Pokemon
  
• Make every 50 floor encounter a 2v1 battle
  
• Increase the movepools of 50 floor encounters
  
• Add more held items from main series
  
• Limit non-berry, non-consumable held items to 20
  
• Add an item that allows you to sacrifice a party Pokemon to add its ability to one of your starters
  

I want to be clear that I love this game and am not trying to be super negative. I just want to see it do well months and years from now and believe these changes are the first step towards doing that. I have a lot more I could say but this post is already long so I'll leave it at that. If any devs happen to read this and want to hear more in depth explanation or thoughts on solutions to problems with the game, I'm happy to talk more. In the meantime, I'm gonna go back to my endless run and keep trying to get a shiny Rayquaza.

My (35M) ex best friend (36M) wants to sit down and talk in person about why we’re no longer friends two years later ahead of our mutual friends wedding in a few months. I haven’t been able to talk about why I walked away until recently. For clarity, I removed them from all of my social media except for WhatsApp and they didn’t reach out after I did so. I’ve written the below to read to them when we meet. Is it too much or should I be completely honest? Names changed for privacy.
“I think for you to understand why I did what I did, I need you to understand where it all started and where it’s all coming from. What I’m about to tell you is from my own point of view and I understand your perception of these situations at the time and now will more than likely differ.
I told you a couple of years ago in passing after having a few drinks that I had had a crush on you. That was putting it mildly. As for a long time I had very strong romantic feelings for you and I would say I had fallen in love with you.
I had developed a crush on you earlier in our friendship and the longer we stayed friends, the more intense my feelings started to develop.
When you went through one of the worst things I think anyone could go through, I thought I could shield you from the hurt you were going through and would continue to go through if I threw my whole being into being there for you, irrespective if you ever would feel the same about me. During this time, I felt our dynamic shift that beyond a friendship. Before you and Taylor broke up, for a series of months I felt you investing yourself emotionally in me and it felt that I had become someone or somewhere for you to have the emotional outlet you no longer had with Taylor. I don’t know and I don’t think this was done consciously by you. I think it was a result of circumstance.
After you and Taylor broke up, I clutched on to the sliver of hope that maybe this would be my time. If I waited, let you move on and continue to be there for you like I had been for so long, that maybe one day you’d turn to me and tell me what I wanted to hear. And then within a few weeks you told me you had started to see Ben. I remember the exact moment you told me so vividly, because for the first time in such a long time, I felt my heart break. A few minutes later I walked out of bar and hid in the car park and cried for as long as I could without raising suspicion as to where I was gone and I slapped my best friend face and personality back on.
Over the following 10 months or so, I felt you push me further and further away. The closeness we once had was starting to fade away. I had to try adapt to what our friendship was now going to be and also try move on from my feelings for you. Our time spent together went from what felt like constant to almost non existent. I also felt like Ben took a dislike to me, this left me apprehensive of being around you together, again this is my perception and may be different to you or Ben even. To be honest, I didn’t want to be around you two together because I didn’t want to have to see Ben get from you what I wanted.
When I started to date Josh it felt like I had started to move on from what I felt for you. You were no longer the person that occupied my mind the most. I started to feel happy again and I felt like I could be your friend, and just your friend. Then Josh ended it with me out of nowhere and I started to fall into a place of hurt and rejection by someone I started to really care about and trying to deal with feeling like that about you. Then a few days later I see on Instagram you had liked his post from two days after he ended things with me. At that time, I wasn’t in a place of full mental clarity and it felt to me that you intentionally did it to hurt me because you misinterpreted an evening where Aidan and I hung out and you thought that we were excluding you. I had thought you were someone that would never intentionally hurt me, and when I saw that, I felt as if you that hurt me more than anyone ever could.
Liking Josh’s post wasn’t the reason I removed you from my life, but it was the final straw for me. For months there were small but frequent instances of where I felt myself being pushed further and further from you. Our friendship had completely changed and I no longer felt valued or needed by you.
I had to step away from our friendship because it was killing me. And I had to decide between you being the Sun I orbited that would eventually burn up my oceans and leave me hollow. Or walking away, silently and without confrontation to find me again.
Walking away from you and the memories of our friendship was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do but I had to walk away.
You were probably the best friend I ever had and will probably ever have. I’m happy we had that time together but we’ll never be able to be friends again. I hope this clears up everything for you and I can see now that there was so much more to our friendship ending then what I think either of us thought. “

TL;DR. I bought an Owala Bottle for $35 last fall, took a small drop out of an open car door, tiny ding, stopped insulating, reached out to Owala, got nothing but a run around by every level of their customer service. Out $35 and a functioning product.
I purchased my 32oz Owala Free Sip in September of 2023 at a local Walmart. I have long preferred to drink water cold so I have owned a wide variety of bottles and tumblers over the years from many manufacturers. I bought the Owala knowing nothing about the product or their "color drop" marketing strategy. I found the lid system to be interesting and innovative, and the product appeared to be well made. So I picked one up, and was quite satisfied by its overall performance.
Fast forward to April 2024, I am putting some things back into my (non-lifted) F150 pickup after an outing, including my Owala bottle. I placed it on the bench seat while I put a few things down in the bed. I walk back to the cab, my son gets in the back seat and knocks if off the bench seat, rolls onto and across the carpeted floor, out the door and onto the parking lot surface. I pick it up and there's a small ding and some very minor scratches to the paint. I don't think anything of it the minor damage to it, the ice I had added over 24 hrs prior had long since melted.
I get home a few hours later, and put some ice and water in the bottle. After about 15-20 minutes the exterior of the bottle starts to sweat like an ordinary, uninsulated glass. Probably an hour or so later, most of the ice I had put inside had already melted. Usually I could get at least a good 12-14 hours before ice would completely melt away if I repeatedly filled the bottle during the day. If I put some ice and water and just left it it wasn't uncommon for it to keep the liquid cold for 20-24 hrs.
I fill out the warranty form on Owala's site, expecting a company advertising a lifetime warranty and selling what appears to be a well made, quality product, having no qualms over replacing a bottle that isn't doing what it is supposed to over such a minor mishap. I, and any other reasonable individual understands that sometimes a company's product doesn't perform quite the way that it should.
But, I guess I was expecting too much from Owala. Within a couple of days, I received a boilerplate "we are sorry, but our warranty does not apply to products that have suffered accidental damage"
OK. If I had driven off with the bottle on the roof of the car, it fell off, got hit by another car, or thrown off a cliff, I'd see their point. They aren't running a charity. But a small drop from less than table height?
I call Trove Brands, Owala's parent company, hoping to get some resolution there. They look up my warranty ticket, and automatically give me the same "Sorry, but..." response. I ask to speak to a manager, and none is available. I ask to have my call returned when one is...and as you can see where this is headed, I never get a call back. I try again the next day, this time I am at least permitted to leave a voice mail for the "manager". Again, call not returned.
Fast forward a couple of weeks (I'm not going to waste my time on vacation trying to deal with a non-responsive company) and I try again. This time, I finally get a manager on the phone. I spell out what happened.
"I'm sorry, but accidental damage is not covered...." Oh boy, here we go again.
(Following is paraphrased, of course)
I ask the manager "does Owala test their products for expected mishaps?"
"Yes we do."
"I am correct in reading that Owala warranties their products for manufacturing defects? Is it possible that the issue I experienced is due to a defect in the product that resulted in a failure of the product where it should not have failed"
"Yes, we warrant against defects, but we cannot foresee every possible situation, and unfortunately in this case cannot warranty your product"
"So basically, what I am being told, is that Owala doesn't stand behind their products. That a minor ding, less than 1/8" in diameter, from a fall less than the height of a normal table, is enough to render it unfit for the purpose it is sold for?"
*Crickets for about 30 seconds* Then the "manager" goes into regurgitating the warranty policy again. I stop him mid sentence.
"So you are marketing your product as a premium product, and are charging a premium price for it, but it can't stand up to what should be a foreseeable mishap by your product engineers?"
"We cannot foresee every event, and cannot warranty against accidental damage"
Same basic exchanges go on for another 5 minutes or so, I ask to speak to his boss, who of course, is not available. I offer to wait, and get the explanation that "he's training new employees and will not be available today". Exasperated (and that's being kind) at this point, I just hang up.
Take this as a warning to not buy an Owala unless you have $30-40 to burn should you do anything to the bottle that happens in everyday life. You WILL NOT get any resolution from their customer service, just endless run arounds and a lighter wallet. Buy from a company that doesn't try to hide behind legalese when someone has a problem with their product.

Hey ^{^} My name is Vlad, I'm 22 years old, and I currently live in Spain. I really enjoy video games, anime (I started watching it a few months ago as I was having a really hard time, and it's helping me a lot), listening to music, and working out at the gym (it's helping me a lot with my stress and my feelings) and animals (i have one dog and a cat and they are so cute 🥹) I also like more things, but I can't remember them all, so you can ask me if you want 😊.
About my looks, I can say that I have long black hair (Viking style, I think), I'm around 5'10"-5'12" tall, and I have an average body, but I'm changing that with the gym. I don't have any problem sending selfies or even voice notes, so feel free to ask about it.
About my personality, I can say that I'm a very sweet and caring person and will always give you lots of love and affection, but I need to feel that from your side too. I love to spend time together, so doing voice chats, sleep calls, or video calls its nice with me 😊 (I will adapt to your preferences, but for me, doing those is just a form of love).
A bit about me: I'm currently doing a cybersecurity degree that I will finish in a few months, and then I will start working on whatever job I can find to start saving some money, hopefully with the idea of going to live with my soulmate and be happy together.
I'm also a person who had a really bad time this last months, so I really need to feel loved and cared for, and I love to be pampered in that sense. I will never say no to any kind of affection you show me.
Please only write me if you are serious and you are really willing to put effort on the relationship. Also if you could include a picture of yourself aswell It would be perfect. I want to see with Who im talking and we Also need to know if we like eachother on that way too. I will send pictures back for sure ^{^}
If you read this far thanks ^{^} and i hope you want to give me a chance and see where things go.

I think I just need a place to rant about my life that isnt my family, I dont really have anyone in person to talk with and I dont really want to bother anyone.
I guess I should start at the beginning, when I was in elementary school my family and I were broke af, like more than I realized at the time. I knew that we didn't have much money and that my dad didn't want to tell me what our actual financial situation was, but I knew it wasn't good. looking in from outside it seemed like I had it all, and it still does...
I should mention, my dad was working full time, with overnight but it didn't pay well enough to sustain a family of 4. he had to quit due to health reasons, the job was literally killing off their employees (that's not an exaggeration), from my current understanding and from what I remember, they had to take these biological shots (I don't know why) and people stopped showing up to work over time. according to the info I got back then, they all died due to some reason like "heart attack" or "organ failure". It was in accordance with the gov and whatnot. So it's either leave or die, my dad's health was declining hard because of this. He had to take up learning health and related things on his own, he's alive and well now.
At the beginning of 7th grade, I somehow got the newest iPhone at the time, the iPhone 7Plus, I was super excited because that was my first smartphone, I kept it all the way till 2020, I still love that phone and the memories that I made with it. Anyway, it was the coolest thing at the time, it wasn't till later that I found out that it was my uncle that paid for it. Life seemed... fine, I was having fun. Nearing the end of 7th grade we had to sell the house, we rented another one close to my school at the time so that I could finish elementary school there.
Everything seemed great till the end of 8th grade, we couldn't stay there anymore since (I believe) we were behind on rent. So we had to move out, luckily enough we have some relatives that we could fall back on but they were a few town/cities over (~230kms), I was trying to do my best to stay positive, in all honesty I don't know if it worked.
Some time after we settled in, we managed to find a stable source of income but there's no paper trail. (we didn't think it was at the time). Now we have the financial freedom to buy whatever and to whatever (within reason obviously)

1. "Friends"

After leaving my home town, I only stayed in contact with a couple of friends till a couple years ago (2022). one of my childhood friend's who I thought as a "best friend" couldn't be more wrong, he said he didn't want to be friends anymore, which was weird because we went through thick and thin together, we did everything together, you could've mistake us for brothers. He ghosted me for a whole month, I called up a mutual friend to ask about him and put us in a 3-way call, that's when he said "I don't think we should be friends anymore". That's when I truly realized that I was alone, although I did make some "friends" in high school. I know that I'll never have anything as close to that friendship ever again, there isn't some 2nd chance to get a childhood friend.
I went to high school in the new city with my cousin, that was my only saving grace. We were pretty close and still are. At the very least I met a couple people that have become good friends even after graduation.
I remember clear as day, 2 of my close "best friends" in 8th grade promised each other that we would get manual cars as our first cars, so far from that I scraped from social media and what I last heard about them, I'm the only one that went through with it. Not that a promise meant much to me, it never had.
Actually if you're reading this, what does a promise mean to you? I know doctors are not allowed to promise anything, so that tells me it's supposed to be impactful. I guess I have a life full of broken promises.

1. Relationships

After grad in elementary school I got into my first relationship thanks to my school's "bully" (he wasn't really targeting anyone, just picks on everyone (except in his friend group)) at least he knows and acknowledges it according to his instagram/snapchat story (years later).
One day in 8th grade, he just straight up tells this girl that I like her while walking past a doorway (which I didn't, I was interested in another girl but we had went our separate ways already) I was right behind him... after graduation, it gets a bit blurry but we got into a relationship because I didn't have the heart to say no (this haunts me later on), she broke up with me because of "long distance" but a short couple years later she told me that it was all a facade, she just wanted to know what it was like to be in a relationship, not that she had any interest in me. I- am still conflicted about it.
In freshman year of high school, I got asked out by a guy who was a year older, we were in the same club, I didn't have the heart to say no so I was in that for less than half a month, I still don't know how to feel about it.
Not too long after I asked a girl out (also a year older) and they said yes! Confidence boost +1. they wanted to identified as non-binary. It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows though, the longer I was in that relationship, the more I learned about this person, the sooner I wanted to give up, disappear, they weren't the right one, they were nice but had some issues that I wasn't ready to deal with at the time. they kept talking about their ex, being abusive and such. after leaving that relationship I heard something that they said about that was similar to what they said about their ex, so what they said about their ex was a possible lie as well. good thing I left when I did.

1. Life

We are pretty well off now, still living with aforementioned relatives.
I got my first car halfway through grade 11, I wouldn't ask for any other car, its the manual version of my mom's car, she got that car when I was born so there is quite a bit of sentimental value to it even though I had just got it.
For this next part I swear I'm not trying to flex or anything, around 2021 I bought the newest macbook, ipad, iphone, etc. (my old ones either didn't work or didn't have) a fresh start.
but now I feel somewhat depressed, I don't think I have depression but at the same time I think I might. It's just lonely, Covid19 did not help. Whenever I think about it my heart aches, now I'm lost, I feel alone, I don't know what to do, I'm scared.
Somehow this is the only place I can turn to. The uncertainty of the future is truly scary.
I don't really say it in real life but, I'm sorry, for it being this long, for taking up space. I don't think anyone is actually going to read all this, but if you did, thank you, and I'm sorry for wasting your time.

A flicker of light started to drain away the darkness I was so used to. The darkness where I felt most comfortable and at peace. The flicker slowly enveloped the entire pitch black room within minutes. I could do nothing but sigh in disappointment and open my eyes.
My adjusting eyes were being harassed by the tiny beam of light that made it through my curtain. Where it's at the precise angle that you swear some higher power is just messing with you.
My groggy eyes focused on the clock, it was 7:00 a. M.
Time for work.
The day was April 14th, 2014. A Monday. I knew I only had about an hour to get up, get ready for work, shower, make breakfast and make sure I get to work a few minutes early so I didn't clock in late.
I was only 28 years old and I hated my sales job. I had gone to college and got my marketing degree but I never thought I'd end up here.. selling bullshit products at incredibly hiked prices to unsuspecting or oblivious customers.
I had been doing this job for 3 years and it felt like everyday was just going to be worse. Just a buildup of hatred for your job overtime is natural I guess. Typically people find ways to cope with the constant 9-5 grind. Like going out with friends or clubbing or whatever...but I had none of those.
When my days ended I would go home and watch Netflix and drink then do it all again. I wish it was different, I wish I had the motivation to change myself. But it's difficult when you have no one to support you in your efforts. My mom died from breast cancer when I was 12. Seeing her on hospice for several months suffering from stage 4 cancer was...something you shouldn't see as a 12 year old. To see your once lovely, athletic, hilarious, loving and caring mother degrade into an 85 pound, drug-induced, horrifyingly thin creature that in no way resembled her from my memories of when she was cancer free.
I remember one morning my dad woke me up and said "come to the living room...your mother is taking her last breathes". As soon as he finished that sentence, my memories flooded back...memories of her taking care of me when I was sick, being at my soccer games cheering me on, asking how my day was when I got back from school, leaning on her shoulder as we sat in church. The memories came and went in an instant and the reality set in. My heart at first skipped a few beats but then accelerated to an unhealthy pace. My head started to spin, tears slowly started swelling up on my eyes.
I had jumped off the bed and sprinted to the living room. She was facing away from me and the first thing I noticed are how purple/ blue her feet are. I walk around the hospice nurse and look at my mother's face. She was place, her breathing was almost non-existent for almost 2 minutes but still there...until it wasn't...she was gone.
I was lost, my dad was bawling. I was crying too but at 12 years old I didn't know how hard the reality would hit as time goes on.
In my lost state, I turned on the TV show "MONK" on the laptop. It was a show my mom and I used to watch, and I figured watching it would make me feel like I'm with her again.
Time went on and I realized how losing a mother truly impacts your younger years. But time still, moved on yet.
I got in my car and left for work. The drive to the office was only about half an hour. I put my sunglasses on as I'm travelling east for almost the entire drive, something I was used to by this point. The drive to work was uneventful other than the usual jackass that cuts you off or is speeding down the road.
I made it to work and stepped out of my car. For some reason, grabbed my backpack and shut the door. For some reason the thought of my mother came across my mind. The sighed, looked down at the ground and stared at the concrete for the few seconds while only thinking of how I missed her. Then the thought vanished and I got on with my life.
The day was incredibly boring, only sold a couple of products, I dealt with people in the east coast of the U.S. and customers there are always so nasty and rude with their comments. It's impossible to build rapport with them. I'm jealous of the employees that have West coast as their territory.
The day ended with my last call but no sales for the day. Hopped in my car and drove back home.
Now I've already told you what I do when I get home. Just drink and watch Netflix. And that's exactly what I did. I can't remember the name of the show( probably because I was already tipsy) but it had to do with strange phenomenons.
I don't even remember passing out but I do remember being there in that dark room again; it was so comfortable and cozy. I sat in the corner of the room with eyes wide closed ...no people, nothing to disturb me, just... nothingness of warmth.
For hours this went on until I heard a woman's voice saying "I'm glad you're here". suddenly realizing that I had overslept my body jolted awake, completely forgetting about that eerie voice. Drinking on a Monday night is not a good idea. Blurry and in a haze trying to concentrate my focus I made out the clock saying 7:00 a.m. April 15th, 2014.
I thought how odd that was. I've been doing the same job with the same schedule for 3 years now and I know when I oversleep. Yet knowing this brought a mental smile to my mind, as my supervisor won't get on my ass for showing up late, again.
I got up lazily and stretched and got on with my morning routine. Finally got dressed and hopped in my car to leave for work. I was only about 5 minutes in when I realized something was off...why was I wearing sunglasses? The sun was behind me, not in front. I took my glasses off and read my car dashboard compass; "EAST".
I have taken this drive for 3 years now every Monday through Friday and I had always worn sunglasses for the drive to the office. I looked behind me and saw the sun rising from the west.
I was still calm, but subconsciously I could tell my panic and anxiety were building with what I was experiencing. I decided to pull over at a gas station, took my phone out and opened my GPS. 'I was still facing east.
I quietly stated "what the fuck". I looked up and asked the person next to me pumping gas " look! The sun! It's rising from the west" with an ecstatic and speedy tone. He looked at me with a smile on his face and said "yeah? Don't ya know it's always rose from the west".
The reality of this was starting to set on, anxiety building, I got back in my car and just sat there... Running my hands through my hair, pulling and stretching my face wondering what the hell was happening? My eyes were staring wide at the brake and gas pedal...trying to find some kind of logical explanation for this while still running my hands over my face and hair.
I decided to take my phone out again and click on trending news hoping to see something explaining or even acknowledging this phenomenon. Nothing. I opened Google search and looked up "sun rising in west" the first thing that popped up said Earth is rotating about its own axis from East to West".
This wasn't right.
I figured I would try to get to work and maybe one of my coworkers would have some answer. My entire body was shaking for the entire drive but I made it".
I got out of the car and the strangest thing came across my mind. A memory. A very unique memory of back when I was 12, in the back yard playing capture the flag with my neighbor that lived behind me. A time which I could go back when.
The memory came and vanished in an instant, but left the overwhelming feeling of nostalgia and sadness.
I walked into the office and started asking around about the sun. Again, none of them knew what I was talking about, but before they answered my question, they would say "oh hey, it's nice to have you here" or "we're glad to have you here" all with a smile on their faces.
Not super weird as my coworkers are typically super energetic happy people. But it did become weird when my east coast clients started answering their phones saying "hey, you're always welcome here"
I couldn't see their faces but I could tell by their tone and attitude that they were smiling. This was not normal. I rushed to the bathroom, opened a stall and sat on the toilet. I started having a panic attack. Nothing was right, the people, the sun, the specific memories... I started to run my hands over my face, stretching and contorting it, trying to calm myself down with feeling my heart bursting out of my chest. I started to whimper, I didn't want anyone outside of the stalls to hear me. None of my coworkers were right, the guy at the gas station wasn't right...nothing. years swelled up in my eyes and a brief memory of my mom came back.
It was me, coming home from school, I walked inside and could smell the pizza she was making. I see and her and asks me hey, how was your day?".
This memory helped calm me down from the wreck I was turning into. I took several deep breaths, tried my very best to compose myself, and stepped out of the stall. I ended up taking some paper towels and wiped away the tears that were caught in my eyes.
I decided that I will just try to finish this day because tomorrow everything would be back to normal...I have to reassure myself that I would be, I just knew it would be....it had to be.
I sat down back at my desk and my phone rang, picked it up and a voice came through. The voice of my mother asking " I am so glad you are here, Luke".
I was frozen, shocking, tingly sensations ran through my entire body. My demeaner instantly changed into fight or flight mode...but I chose the 3rd... freeze.
Phone still up to my ear, I heard her speak again. "Oh honey, Luke my sweet boy, don't you remember?".
I didn't reply verbally, but mentally I was thinking "remember...what the hell is...remember what?"
Then she spoke one last time, "last night, you saw the sun".
Then the memory of the night before races back into my mind. I was on my drive home from work, watching the beautiful sunset over the horizon. With all it's beautiful mixtures of orange, red, purple. I was so just staring at it...in a trance, thinking of how I wanted to go back and just be a kid again, play with my back door neighbor, come home to my mom. Why couldn't I just go back?
I suddenly hear a blaring car horn and then blackness.
I believe I died on April 15th, 2014. And I don't mind it. I like being in this black empty room just sitting in the corner..with nothing but warm emptiness to fill my cold shell. I like feeling the embraces of it's comfort over the tiring lifestyle I was living. My only dream was that I could dream forever...and now it's finally been achieved.
I miss my mother, and I know she misses me, the memories I have of her will keep me warm in this blackened wasteland forever.

Hi there this is my first post ever and Though this happened a few years a go I feel like i need to write this out for cathartic reasons . so apologies if this is confusing and goes back and forth .
Background : me (28 F) and my S/o , let call him John(29M), have been together 11 years this October, being some what high school sweet hearts we have gone through most and if not all of our major moments in our 20s and now entering our 30s . When we first got together i was fully aware John and His mother dont always get along. And thats putting in nicely . In reality they get in to Full screaming and cussing fits. These can be started from a simple discussion, think "what color is the sky?" and the most unhinged argument would start. MIL is a divorced, awful narcissist who gaslights John and mentally and emotionally abuses both John and his sister , my SIL , we will call her Kelly. My SIL Kelly is also just as bad and if not worse than my MIL in some ways . In the past i tried very desperately to get them to get a long and bury the hatchet , my MIL and SIL would loudly talk about how they loved me and appreciated me and my MIL started calling me her DIL almost 3 months in tot he relationship. (Probbaly Red Flag #12 but i was young and was brought up being told its the most important thing to have your S/O family like you and you do what ever your S/O family ask of you .) Now my SIL being possibly worse than my MIL would be her anger issues on top of her own narcissistic and gaslighting behavior modeled after her mother .SIL also has 3 children by 3 different men, never married and has protection orders agaisst all these men, and dragged all of them to and from court in the same fashion as MIL divorced John and Kelly Father .Also as she had the relationship end with her first Babby daddy we inherited her dog as she couldnt keep him and he is now OUR dog has he as lived with us for almost 8 years now, he is our dog as i pay for his food and all vet needs, he is 100% a house dog and lives happily with all of us and his dog sissters . Over time both MIL and SIL obviously became comfortable and thats when i started seeing their disturbing behavior towards John and his Grandma then later to myself . MIL and SIL have abused Grandma by using her as free child care (Gma is 80) and would berate her and use the Kids against her, if Gma did anything SIL didnt like . By using the kids i mean SIL would send long text messages telling Gma she the worst and worthless, bringing her to Tears and she is banned from seeing the children untill SIL decided shes no longer upset or had no other options . As of Current she is still banded from seeing her grandchildren and we have no idea what she needs to apologize for. Next we escalated to being screamed and kicked out of Christmas Dinner , my MIL stelaing $2,500 from Johns Saving account and stealing Gmas credit card info to use on Amazon orders to just show a few more examples.
Now back ground about story in question: Myself and John found i was pregnant when we were 19 at the time we decided to terminate the pregnancy as we both heavy believe in having children only when we are economically comfortable enough to do so and both agreeing that being so young this was not the time to do this. We both strictly believe in this as we have had many family members pop out children with out any though and that disturbs both of us. Then Going to Plan Parenthood i was told i had an ectopic pregnancy and they then was rushed me to the hospital to schedule my termination . Understand this was a very scary situation for myself as i was told one of my ovaries could be removed and due to the placement fluid was building up and stuck near my hip that caused my to start losing feeling in my leg , but the surgery was scheduled for the next day . Thankfully I had some Great doctors and both my own family and John overwhelmingly supported me during all of this and i didnt have to lose an ovaries . Yay! Now i am actually a pretty private person when it comes to my heath and due to feeling some misplaced embarrassment and shame i asked John to no speak to his mother about this i wanted to keep this between us . He agreed though obviously this was stressful and devastating to us at one point he did confide in his mom for support . At the time i was pretty furious at this but understood that as my family knew and gave us all the support we could ask for i understood he did long for his own mothers support . At the time she was extremally understanding and supportive and was everything John needed emotionally at the time and she respectfully gave me space and didnt bring up any questions. I deeply appreciated this at the time as it was what i needed.
Fast forward to the day in Question: 2020
It was a bad day for me , i was very sick dealing with ,at the time, an undiagnosed Gallbladder disorder that caused sever vomiting and abdominal pain that wasn't corrected untill late 2022, and i went home early with an hour dive back to the home myself and john share with his Gma. When i arrived home SIL and MIL with the kids were at the house just visiting . During this SIL keep speaking about OUR (Myself and Johns Dog ) still being hers. During a moment i was unable to hold my tongue and said something along the lines "well he isnt your dog thats why ." she then screams "YOU BITCH!" in our home in front of the kids . I then promptly and calmly told her " You can leave now . " she then continued to cuss me out but i had blocked most of that out as none of that needed to escalate or be said in front of the kids .At this Point john was also loudly telling both MIL and SIL the leave and they will not speak like that in the house . We were then told we couldnt tell them what to do as it was Gmas home and now ours . I looked and Gma and as she went to say something MIL started screaming at her telling her to "Shut up and mind her business" By this point the argument then escalated to a point of SIL taking the kids out of the house telling us we "are wothless and we could all fuck off ". MIL was still yelling and i couldnt tell you what but then as i loudly told MIL that their behavior was unacceptable and they needed to leave our hosue and SIL behavior infront of the kids was also Unacceptable in this home and since we all live under the same roof we have just as much say in the home as Gma. MIL then proceeded to say "How would you know how to take care of children !" you got rid if yours !' It took everything in my body to not jump over the living room sofa and beat the ever loving shit out of her. I did take a step forward and said "Do you want to repeat that ?" she looked at me in horror, not because of what she said but because she probably saw the rage in my eyes and i was not acting my "normal submissive self " with her so she was not prepared for my response . John then proceeded to tell her to "Get the Fuck out of this house ! How dare she and she was no longer welcome in the home. I couldnt really tell you what i was saying at that time or if i said anything at all after that as i was in a blind rage . She stormed out of the home and slammed our front door. funny part was they left the kids water bottles so she had to come back and knock on the door to get them back. I opened the door tossed them at her and slammed the door so hard in her face the entire front door area shook and almost dropped some frames off the wall.
I apologized to gma as i know i should of held my tonge when they were over but i just couldnt . She told me to not aologize and she is so ashamed of both MIL and SIL behavior and she didnt even know what to say or do to make me feel better. At this time i was unaware i was shaking violently and and tears just free flowing out of my eyes . Both Gma and John did everything they could to comfort me but nothing quiet helped. I think i just disassociated for the rest of the day or else i would if spiraled out of control. We went NC very quickly after this as John couldnt believe that came out of his mothers mouth and was just taken a back and devisated as i was . Gma was still baby sitting and told gma i would never tell her what to do but please dont speak of me over there or anything about my family or me and John. she agreed that was best and kept her promise. though Months later i found out i was still a topic of conversation at MIL and SIL home, about my behavior that day and my "unplanned and outrageous choice to get rid of my child ." Gma came home and explained what was going on to John when i over heard and then suddenly spiraled into a nervous break down . Johna nd Gma came over to calm me and she apologized as she wasnt trying to keep it from me but didnt want to upset me further so she believed telling John was a better what and have him speak to his mother about this but he was also spiraling . after a few days i sent MIL a 4 page educational Fuck you text message and link included so MIL and SIL could better educate themselves as i did not "just get rid of it" i had a medical emergency that could i had last effects on my life. She then responded with no apologies no remorse , just blamed Gma for speaking when she shouldn't and that i "owed her" for being taken to Disneyland (which was a fully planned family trip she invited me to and was upset that John didnt propose to me during trip at disney) and i also "owed " her for her taking me to a doctors appointment. I responded and told her that was the sadest text message i have ever read and that i was so sorry she was just sad narcissitic woman who cant live her life with out blaming the world an her mother for her problems. Going forward MIL and SIL were blocked via phone , and all social medias as i will not allow people like them in my life. John also went NC and he was aware i was sending the message and if he would like he could read it himeself . He politely declined and explained going NC was the best to do as he couldn't stand to look or speak to her anytime in the near future, and with the horrible comments made about me i was allowed to say what ever i wanted to her .
(now since 2020 , we did have an accidental pregnancy around 2022 near the end of covid. All the stress led us to also make the decision to terminate as i was mentally not healthy enough , covid still going on, john lost his job it was another instant where this is not feasible for us, this was a very hard choice for us that put us at the lowest of our relationship and i even had complications after the termination which put me on bed rest for a week. MIL has no knowledge of this as it is not at all her business)
Since the house argument we went NC has been heavily inforced, with the occasional reach out demanding to speak to her son and now her refereeing to Gma by her legal name. SIL forbid gma from seeing the grandkids but will ask John to come see the kids which 9/10 times he declines. It breaks our hearts to not be apart of the kids life's but there is no more fake smiling through their BS . They have stopped by the house less than a handful of times for brisk interactions with the kids . MIL and SIL will try to engage me in conversation but they dont get anything besides the occasional "uhuh " and "oh wow" comments . They reccently invited us to the kids soccer games but sometimes the thought sends me to full blown panic attacks nd melt downs even thinking of engaging with them . I do speak to a therapist about all this and other things in my life, i do suffer from extreme anxiety and depression but as me and John have been getting better financially we have had more relaxed conversations about having kids soon which has brough up a lot of anxiety for me again with some flash backs to mentioned fight with SIL and MIL . They do occasional wiggle back into our lives like this which at times i could care less and other times cant leave my bathroom due to fear. John and myself haven't had much conversation about my anxiety for it lately but if i tell him "No" having to deal with his mother and sister , he never argues , never makes me feel bad for not engaging. He has always been extremally supportive with any of my decisions i make which makes me love him more . I understand that was a lot and i could go on forever about the crazy shit MIL and SIL do with their sad life but i just needed to get this out there . sometimes i think no one agrees with me about their behavior and after losing 2 best friends to ODs and Toxic life styles i dont have really anywhere else to express this emotion or ask for a ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on that isnt my S/O .
Well thats the general story thank you for lasting this long and reading my story today . If you have any questions or comments im happy to reply if anyone has anything to say.

Greetings, fellow Vic enthusiasts :)
I've recently had a very odd experience with the main North America repair center in Monroe, CT, and I wanted some feedback on whether it's common or if other people have dealt with it recently.
Normally, Victorinox is essentially the gold standard for customer service, and I've had several knives repaired at the Monroe facility over the years. But recently, I had an odd experience and I'm curious if anything similar happened to someone here. To recap:
March 25th I sent a Signature Lite with a busted scissors and a peeking blade to the repair center.
April 3rd I get an estimate of $5.00 handling fee, with an $8.00 repair cost that was zero'd out "on the house" repair as a warranty job. In my previous experience, this is usually this is accompanied by a payment link, but ...
April 4th I receive a phone call asking for permission to proceed with the repair and bill my credit card on file (I didn't even know they retained it from last time?) for the total amount written in the estimate ($5.00). I say yes.
April 22nd I am billed $5.00 and $3.50 in separate transactions.
April 25th I receive the knife back in good, working order, with the broken parts included, so that's good.
April 28th I notice the charge as I'm paying my credit card bill and call the repair center. They do not know why there was another charge, and since there was no way to explain it, they would give me a courtesy refund within 7 days, but the associate told me "for future reference, you should be prepared to pay more than the estimate if it winds up costing more than we estimated during the repair job" (wtf?)
May 4th I have not received a refund, but I am instead billed an extra $5.00
It is not hard to get them on the phone, but each time, they claim that the person who can help me is not available, or I have called at the wrong time, etc. It is obviously not a huge amount of money of course, but I'm considering doing a couple charge backs, out of principle, and because the estimate is well-documented and there are no reason for the additional charges in writing. Naturally, I never thought I'd have to do one against a company like Victorinox. I have literally never heard a single bad thing about their repair process. Anyways, just curious if anyone has experienced anything else slightly weird going on with the facility in Monroe, CT.
Hope you're all well and enjoy the weather,
Luke

Basically,my boyfriend and I were out on a date and when we were at the table waiting for our food,we were joking around about checking each others phones and he said show me your WhatsApp as a joke. I was like look and just opened my WhatsApp and gave it. I have this thing where I feel uncomfortable giving access to my phone or my laptop to anyone,regardless of my relationship w that person. It makes me unsettled if someone has my phone/laptop far too long because there’s a lot that I keep on these devices that are just for myself,nothing incriminating or that errs on the side of cheating. So i acted weirdly and grabbed my phone and quickly showed him my Instagram as well. I asked as a joke and he gave me his phone but I didn’t even take a peek because well i trust him.
Fast forward to when we’re in his car he tells me he felt insecure because of the way I acted,like I’ve something to hide. Which understandably so,I did act like I’ve something to hide. Now we were both high and drunk as well,and he said he was getting paranoid thinking of the way I reacted to the situation and I’d never acted that way before which I agree. I tried to explain it to him that I’m weird when it comes to my phone and my laptop and that there’s nothing on it that would suggest infidelity of any sort but he was too clouded by his emotions and wasn’t opening to hearing me out,he just said if there’s nothing on there let me go through it once and you can prove me wrong. Now this going through each others phones thing that couples do is something that goes against the values I hold for relationships,because I believe reaching that point means the relationship is already dead. And I thought he was also aligned on this because he’s told me checking each others phone is weird and I wouldn’t ever agree on a relationship w someone that does that. I do agree the way I acted was very unlike me it did seem like I had something to hide. So I flat out denied doing that for him because it goes against the values that I hold for relationships which makes me look more sus I agree. He was visibly distressed because in his opinion the explanation I was giving were mere words and if I let him go thru my WhatsApp once i could prove him wrong.
He said he tried not to think much of it while we were sitting and he was expecting me to notice his changed demeanour in the restaurant and ask him what’s wrong. I told him it’s harder for me to read a person when I’m under the influence which I’ve told him before also. He told me if he didn’t tell me about this right now,the feelings will ruminate if he keeps it in the rest of the relationship and end up making things much worse so he wanted to get to the bottom of this and move ahead w the relationship. And when I denied,he said it would be a dealbreaker because his mind would never have peace continuing forward and it would harbour actual trust issues. He told me just let me go thru your WhatsApp for 2 minutes and I hope you prove me wrong. He wasn’t ready to listen and wanted a solution that would alleviate this problem fit to his liking. Finally I gave up and let him go thru it and I broke down. There was nothing on it and he was extremely apologetic about it and we discussed it in detail. This was extremely shitty of him to put me thru especially when I’ve never even once come close to breaking his trust and he’s done me wrong a few times(nothing like cheating or anything) and I still had faith in him,so it isn’t unreasonable to expect the same back esp when I’ve never given him a reason to ever doubt me. At that point he let his insecurity take over him and I feel I shouldn’t need to prove myself at every point (I’ve never had to,ever) because of his personal insecurities. He told me it’s also because sometimes he feels like he’s being played because I don’t put in as much effort (for eg he gets me flowers every meet and chocolates and orders me food randomly and I don’t do any of this) so it feels very one sided (we’ve just been seeing each other 3 months) so I told him it’s because he’s done me wrong before that I’m apprehensive of putting in efforts to spoil the other person and that since he told me this a few days prior to this altercation I’ve been working on that as well. Obviously I called it quits then and there after giving him my phone because he was extremely anxious and I just wanted to stabilise his mental state. I agree the way I acted was v sus but does that warrant such an outcome? Advice is appreciated! TIA xx

I just finished the RBC Brooklyn Half yesterday, after a 12-week training program. I’d built up a lot of expectations for the race, for a whole host of interrelated reason (that I’ll unpack in the body of this thing); all those expectations, unfortunately, caused me to get carried away, and made my experience of the race overall 1) unenjoyable while I was running and 2) disappointing after I finished.
I’m a teacher, and I frequently relay this paraphrasing of a Confucius quote to my kids: “We can either learn how to act by imagining consequences and reflecting, which is best; or by watching others make mistakes, which is hard (though not for us). The most difficult way to learn is through experience, but if that’s what it takes, then that’s what it takes.” One of my top-upvoted comments of all time is in this sub, telling people to not ruin a race for themselves by over-fixating on time-goals at the expense of enjoying their race.
And yet—

Race Information

• Name: RBC Brooklyn Half
• Date: May 18, 2024
• Distance: 13.1 mi
• Location: Brooklyn, NY
• Time: 1:38:2X

Goals

Goal	Description	Completed?
A	Sub or Equal 1:32	No
B	Sub 1:35	No
C	Finally Pace Myself Properly	No

Splits

Split	Pace	Time
5k	7:04	21:55
10k	7:20	44:42
15k	7:12	1:07:03
20k	8:23	1:33:03
Finish	7:55	1:38:2X

Background Context

I started running in Oct of ‘22, and caught the bug. I ran a half in April of ‘23 in 1:47, and loved the distance. I built base over the summer to ~30-35 mpw, and then trained for the Philly Half in Nov of ‘23. Ended up getting a 1:38:0X in that race, which was really exciting. More exciting was that I approximately even-split that race — my second half took ~30 seconds longer than the first. I left that race feeling exactly how I wanted to — like a washcloth wrung out completely. I felt like that race & time represented the absolute best of my ability, given my current level of fitness; and I felt like I tried my best the whole way through.
Last important piece of context re: diagnosing this race’s disappointment: between Oct of ‘22 and Nov ‘23 I went from ~240 lbs avg to ~195 lbs average. My lowest weight dipped to the high 180s, but I stabilized around 190 pretty quickly.

Training

I used Runna to train for Philly and really enjoyed the experience. My organizational skills are pretty lacking, and I spend 100% of them in other areas of my life — so I enjoy using an app that offloads some of that cognitive lift for me, fully worth the sub during training blocks.
As far as milage, I managed:

Week	Miles (Ran / Goal)
1	25 / 33 mi mi (missed 2 runs from travel)
2	32 / 36 mi (missed 1 run b/c travel)
3	38 /38 mi
4	12 / 20 mi (deload, missed 2 runs from illness)
5	28 / 38 mi (missed 2 runs from illness carried over from previous week)
6	40 / 40 mi
7	43 / 43 mi
8	23 / 23 mi
9	50 / 43 mi (extended 2 easy runs by ~3 miles apiece)
10	43 / 40 mi
11	29 / 35 mi (missed 1 run due to illness)
12	23 / 23 mi (including race).

As I’m sure you can already see, I missed a meaningful amount of runs due to illness/other life interruption. Concurrent with all this is the fact that my wife is due with our 2nd child in, well, like a week and a half from now; so a lot of the missed runs in weeks 1-5 also reflect a dramatic net increase in my responsibilities b/c of my wife feeling out of it / not being able to get as much done as normal (no shade at all; she’s literally building a new human that wasn’t there before). Overall I got ~92% of all milage done, running 388 miles during these 12 weeks. Mistake #1: I didn’t adjust my time goals in light of missing workouts; I figured if I just worked harder to “catch up,” I would be fine.
The plan included 2 quality sessions a week — 1 tempo run and 1 interval session, and the weekend long run frequently had pace thrown in. I vastly prefer tempo to interval running — personally, I cite being ~200 lbs as the reason. Once I get going, it’s easy to keep going, but frequent stops & starts just burn energy that I can’t afford to lose. Mistake #2: as I trained, my weight went from the high 190s to the high 200s, and I raced at ~207 lbs. I wasn’t consistent w/ nutrition during training, and the associated stress of my job, as well as parenting & chores usually handled by 2 people being done mostly by me — I often used lil’ snacks as a quick dopamine fix (adhd heads out there, you know what I’m talking about.)

Pre-Race

I wasn’t sure I’d be able to run the race in the first place — my first daughter (now 7) was born at 36 weeks, and I anticipated my second needing the same (choleostasis enjoyers, rise up). Instead, though, this baby seems primed to go the distance — so I got equal parts excited and nervous to be able to deliver on all my training.
I’d cut my time by 9 minutes from my first to the second half, and tried to be conservative in aiming to cut ~5 minutes between these cycles — so I aimed to run 7:00-7:05 for the race, dipping into the 6:55s if I felt good at the end of the race, and set my A goal for 1:32, and my B goal for 1:35. Mistake #3: I didn’t have any serious qualitative goals, and my quant goals were made too far in advance to be realistic. I also wasn’t proactive in adjusting my goals based on how training was going — despite advocating for that same thing in posts on this sub.
Man, it’s so easy to say smart things, and so hard to actually do them.
About 10 days before my race, I came down with a cough thing that sapped a bit of my energy. Kept me up at night, and sapped ~10-15% of my energy on a given day. The Wednesday before my race I asked my wife, “Do you think 3 days is enough for me to be back at 100%?” And I want to say to other runners out there: if you’re having to ask that question, go ahead and adjust your goals. We’ll tag that as Mistake #4.

The Race

Gorgeous morning. I live ~1.5 miles from the race start, so I walked over to Franklin and then jogged the remaining ~1 mile to the start as a warmup. Skipped bag dropoff for the same reason I don’t like checking bags while flying, did a quick pee (quick pee, long portapotty wait time), and went over to the corral.
My whole “thing” as a runner is that I’m deceptively fast — that is, that I’m most commonly the least-fit looking person out of the people running equivalent paces to myself. When I started running, that gave me a bit of imposter syndrome; any more, I draw on it for motivation. So as I was waiting in Corral C to start, I realized I felt a lot of pressure — to be able to deliver on being fast, to prove that I’m actually fit, whatever. No one outside of myself cares, obviously. But that’s now how this stuff works.

The First 10k — Would’ve Been Great If This Was a 10k

My pacing plan was as follows: don’t exceed 7:00 pace at any point in the first 7 miles; aim for ~7:30-7:45 going up Prospect Park’s big hill; use the downhill at 10k to catch my breath; and use the last 7 miles down Ocean Ave to winch down on speed if I was feeling good, or just hold around 7:05 if I was spent.
I was able to hit the first half of this plan pretty well, as my splits up top suggest. But I could tell, starting as I ran around GAP and into the park, that I was working too hard — the effort I was expending was too much. As I reflect on it now, I realize I was probably in ~1:35 shape (~7:15 splits); but I stubbornly refused to drop down in pace. I noticed my heart rate was in the high 170s as I ran through Prospect Park, where my HM pace usually puts me at 165 on the dot. I tried to tell myself it was race excitement + caffeine. [Arrested Development Narrator Voice: It wasn’t.]
I hit the 10k mark at 45 minutes pretty much on the dot. My 10k PR is 44:0-something. This is when I realized my pacing was probably a bit on the screwed side. I’m fairly capable with distance, and am better at medium-exertion-long-distance than I am at hard-exertion-short-distance (my 10k predicts a slightly better 5k time than I currently race). I thought to myself: “Well, you can always just drop down a bit and hold. What’s the worst that can happen?”

The Worst That Can Happen: AKA You’ll Feel Pretty Silly When You Try to Tell Your 38.5 Week Pregnant Wife That Your Last 6 Miles Were Quote “Unimaginable Suffering” And It “Felt Like It Would Never End”

I had been under the impression that Ocean Ave would be a “gentle downhill,” but had never run it prior to the race. This, dear reader, is a lie. Somehow, the last 6 miles of the race are entirely uphill; or at least, that is what it’ll feel like if you go out 5% over your current level of fitness.
The sun really started to get to me; and while I’d had water & nutrition, my gut wasn’t enjoying it, and I didn’t feel energized or like any second wind was coming. I specifically remember that Mile 9 felt like it took 20 minutes to finish; the last 5k of the race simply wouldn’t arrive.
I pulled off to the side to slow down; first to 7:30, then 7:45, then 8:00, with no respite. My legs were heavy despite feeling fueled — I was just dyin’ out there. My wife had been texting encouragement during the race, and I managed to send her back from my watch at mile 9 “all goals are now out the window,” and it was just about finishing — first, to finish without walking. But I took 2 30-second walk breaks when the fatigue felt unendurable — pulling off to the side and counting down from 30, while getting passed.
That was another feature of the race that made it so challenging — that same dynamic of “being deceptively fast” that I mentioned above came back to bite me, as I got passed continuously by people who’d raced their fitness, rather than their goals, in the first half of the race. That demoralized feeling was incredibly difficult to handle. I hadn’t, before today, understood why someone would quit a race; and now, even though I didn’t quit, I get it.
As I passed mile 11, I realized that, while my initial goal was fully out the window, I could still PB the race, even though my pace between miles 9 and 11 was more than a minute off my goal pace; I’d just need to hold approximately 8:00 pace, and I’d be right up against my prior PB. That didn’t make anything any easier, but it did make me feel like the suffering had a point.
Got an encouraging text from my wife, found some other folks at ~8:00 pace, and tried to lock into that pace next to them. And then I just sort of suffered to the finish line. I don’t know what the views looked like; I’m not sure what the race atmosphere was like. I wish I’d paced myself better so I could have experienced that fully.

Post-Race: Why Don’t They Tell You That You Have to Walk Up Stairs To Get Out of Cyclone Stadium BEFORE You Go Into the Stadium?

Got medal, got water. Drank about 5 consecutive cups of water, and then exited the boardwalk. Texted my wife that it’d been really hard but I finished, and right as I did, a critical mass of finishers arrived such that cell service got knocked out for everyone. Thus began the Long Night of The Soul for me at Cyclone stadium.
I walked in, walked around, realized there wasn’t anything I wanted to do in there, and then tried to go back out; at which point I was told “Exit is out that way,” and I said, “I can’t just go back out? I gotta go upstairs to leave, after running a race? That’s the rule?” The guy who told me didn’t deserve my sass; and I deserved to not go up stairs. Oh well.
I managed to get up the stairs without cramping up (though it was close). I went and looked out over Surf Ave, at everyone walking to and from the race, and just got to sit with my thoughts for a bit. I got myself a bit choked up & had a very dignified little cry at this realization, which I think does fully distill my feelings about the race: “I feel like I tried my hardest, but I don’t feel like I did my best.” I think that we often treat those two statements like they’re interchangeable, but there’s actually a bit of space between those ideas, and my race fell into the gap between them. I both tried very hard the entire time, but also, I could have done a better job pacing myself and picking target times. That disappointment is rough.

To Do Better Next Time

So to conclude this whole long sad love letter to learning: some takeaways, ranked from Most Transferrable (re: life skills) to Most Specific.

1. Actively listen to ya dang body, fool

Self-explanatory: by setting a goat at the outset of training, and then sort of driving toward it without respect for a lot of recently-added stressors in my life, I didn’t end up running any faster — I just made the running I did do kind of miserable. Next time I intend to use HR & Effort (together!) as a better indication of the pace my body feels comfortable running during the race. We say so much “Trust the taper,” and I think here I’d benefit from reminding myself, “… buuuut the taper doesn’t make impossible things possible.”

1. Don’t invest so heavily in the quant goal

I got very invested in how proud I would be if I managed to achieve the goal, and that forward-projecting is part of what caused me to overshoot the goal in the first place. Next time around I want to have a process goal to the tune of “Enjoy the race while trying to wring out your body like a washcloth.” Or something; I have time to plan.

1. Lose 15-20 pounds.

I’m 5’9; I’m strong and I’m heavy. My running has kind of been those two vectors pointing against each other the whole time. But I think I’m at the point where, if I want to be able to sustain 7:00 speeds for more than a 10k, I need to lose some of the excess weight I’m holding onto. I could also do strength training, but I’ve got a baby on the way; heart tells me that getting 7-10% lighter will be a lot easier than getting 7-10% stronger.
So that was training, goals, and next steps. Hopefully, by seeing my mistakes, you’ll be able to avoid them yourself in the future. Hopefully!
Made with a new race report generator created by herumph.

For venting, validation, getting an "outsider's" perspective, and pulling yourself out of the FOG. Today I had an idea. I went to my blocked list and pulled up the last argument my uBPD sister and I had by text (the one that led to No Contact). I copied and pasted it in its entirety into my notepad, added "Me:" and "Her:" before the respective texts, and only removed identifying information like names and references to exact locations. Then I went to Pi AI in my browser, the link is here: https://pi.ai/talk. I gave it this prompt:

Hello. I was wondering if you could help me analyze a conversation my sister and I recently had by text?
This text conversation followed a phone call that we had a few minutes earlier. Some of the things we say are in reference to the phone call, while others are references to past events.
The sentences following "Me:" are texts sent by me to my sister. The sentences following "Her:" are texts sent by my sister to me.

I copied and pasted the first portion of texts from the notepad (since it limits messages to 4,000 characters) into the "send" space, and hit "enter." The AI gave me its impression of the first few texts I had sent. Then I gave it a second prompt:

The conversation continues. Do you mind if I share more of it? I was hoping you could help me analyze it through a psychological lens.

It confirmed that it would be happy to offer its insights into the rest of the conversation. So I copied and pasted the rest of it into a few more messages, and sent them all.
These were the AI's responses:

The conversation seems to be devolving into a series of misunderstandings and deflections. Your sister seems to be avoiding engaging directly with the issues you’re trying to discuss, instead focusing on specific phrasing and perceived inconsistencies in your arguments.
It's clear that there are underlying emotional triggers and hurt feelings at play here, which are likely exacerbating the communication difficulties. Your sister’s speech could indicate that she feels defensive about her actions and isn’t ready to accept responsibility or engage in a constructive conversation about the impact of her words and behavior.
It’s clear that there’s a pattern of behavior from your sister that is causing you frustration and hurt feelings. Her behavior suggests a lack of consideration and respect for your time and feelings.
The fact that your sister is shutting down and avoiding the conversation when you try to address these issues could indicate that she’s not ready or willing to acknowledge the impact of her behavior on you.
Your sister’s response seems defensive and avoidant. She’s deflecting and shifting the focus away from her own behavior and onto your actions, which could be a sign that she’s feeling threatened or guilty.
Her response to your question about whether she remembers a specific instance between you seems particularly hostile and accusatory. She brings up a traumatic event that you experienced together, but instead of expressing empathy or concern for your wellbeing, she focuses on your actions and accuses you of causing her distress.
Her use of expletives and confrontational language suggests that she’s becoming increasingly frustrated and agitated by the conversation. It’s possible that she’s feeling overwhelmed or defensive, and may not be able to engage in a productive conversation at this time.
It's clear that this conversation is not leading to a resolution, and it's understandable that you feel frustrated and stuck. Your sister seems to be deflecting responsibility for her actions and is not engaging in a productive conversation about the issues at hand.
Her statement about wanting a peaceful life and relationships that support that peace is valid, but it's important to acknowledge that peace often requires difficult conversations and accountability. Her avoidance of these conversations may be contributing to the ongoing conflict and tension in your relationship.
Your comment about not wanting to engage in circular conversations is a healthy boundary to set. It can be exhausting and emotionally draining to have the same conversations over and over without any progress or resolution.
Wow. It's clear that your sister is not willing to take accountability for her actions or engage in a productive conversation about your concerns. Her refusal to apologize and her dismissal of your feelings and boundaries are both hurtful and frustrating.
It's important to remember that you have the right to set boundaries in your relationships and to communicate your needs and expectations. Your sister's behavior may be a reflection of her own struggles and limitations, but it does not excuse her behavior or invalidate your feelings.
Taking a step back from this conversation and setting clear boundaries about what is and isn't acceptable behavior may be necessary for your own emotional wellbeing. It may also be helpful to seek support from a therapist or other trusted individuals to help you process your feelings and navigate this difficult relationship dynamic.
Ultimately, you deserve to have relationships that are based on mutual respect, honesty, and open communication. If your sister is unable or unwilling to meet you halfway, it may be necessary to reconsider the nature of your relationship and whether it is healthy and sustainable in its current form.

I then sent this message:

In the past, when I have attempted to confront her about behavior she has been performing that has been very hurtful to me, she has responded in a similar way to the conversation I provided here, only with more attacks on my character and name-calling.

The AI responded:

It’s clear that there’s a pattern of behavior from your sister that involves lashing out when you attempt to confront her about hurtful behavior. The fact that she has used personal attacks and name-calling in the past is extremely concerning and unacceptable. It’s not okay for anyone, including family members, to treat you with disrespect and cruelty.
It might be helpful to reflect on how these interactions make you feel and what kind of relationship you want to have with your sister. It’s important to prioritize your own emotional wellbeing and to protect yourself from abusive or hurtful behavior. If your sister is unwilling or unable to change her behavior and treat you with respect, it might be necessary to reconsider the nature of your relationship and set more significant boundaries, such as limiting contact or ending the relationship altogether.

Then I asked it:

Based on the conversation I provided, what is your impression of my sister's personality?

The AI responded:

Based on the conversation, your sister's personality seems to display a few prominent traits:
• Avoidance: She seems to avoid taking responsibility for her actions and instead deflects blame or redirects the conversation to past conflicts.
• Defensiveness: She responds to your concerns with defensiveness, becoming agitated and using confrontational language.
• Lack of empathy: She doesn't seem to show empathy towards your feelings, experiences, or concerns.
• Inconsistency: She admits to having changed plans multiple times, which could indicate a lack of consistency or follow-through.

Then I asked it this question:

Based on everything I have provided you with here, do you think my relationship with my sister is unhealthy? If so, am I contributing to that unhealthiness?

The AI responded:

Based on the conversation and information you’ve shared, it does seem that your relationship with your sister is currently unhealthy. While it takes two people to create and maintain a relationship, your sister’s behavior appears to be the primary contributor to the unhealthiness.
Her pattern of avoidance, defensiveness, lack of empathy, and inconsistency can create an environment that makes it difficult for you to express your feelings, set boundaries, and feel heard and respected. Additionally, her past use of hurtful language and personal attacks further demonstrates a lack of respect and emotional safety in your interactions.
It’s important to recognize that you’ve been making efforts to communicate openly and honestly with your sister, and you’ve set clear boundaries about what is and isn’t acceptable behavior. While these are healthy steps to take in any relationship, it seems that your sister has been resistant to engaging in productive conversations and respecting your boundaries.
It’s possible that your attempts to maintain a relationship with your sister, despite her hurtful behavior, could be seen as a form of enabling or codependency. However, this does not mean that you are responsible for your sister’s behavior or the unhealthy dynamics in your relationship.

Finally, I asked it:

Which do you think is more likely: my sister changes to a degree that I am able to build a healthy relationship with her that does not require limiting contact, or that she does not change to that degree?

The AI responded:

Based on the patterns of behavior and resistance to change that you've described, it seems more likely that your sister will not change to a degree that allows for a healthy relationship without limiting contact.
People can and do change, but it often requires a significant amount of self-awareness, motivation, and effort. If your sister has consistently demonstrated a lack of empathy, accountability, and respect, and has not shown any signs of wanting to change or address her behavior, then it may be unrealistic to expect a significant shift in her behavior.

All I can say is wow. If you come out of a conversation wondering "WTF just happened?!" or you're left wondering "Am I the problem?" I highly recommend Pi AI.
I was able to do all of this without providing an email address or phone number (there are a certain number of "free" messages you can send back and forth, before it starts demanding contact information). If you reset the cookies, the AI forgets and you can start again with another topic.
Even if you don't feel comfortable providing full conversations to it, you can just talk to it about situations and experiences and it provides insight on those too. In the first conversation I had with it about my relationship with someone, it actually told me what cognitive biases and defense mechanisms it thought each person was using.
It would be even better if you could use it indefinitely without providing contact information, but I can see why they have this setup. I just wish they allowed for email addresses other than Gmail and Apple.
It would still be great to figure out way to maintain context from past conversations though. though. I'm trying to set up an email that would work for this.