Good day bozemanites. I find myself in a bit of a situation. I am looking for a local roofer that would be into a small, potentially cantankerous project. My 1972 mobile home has the original roof, back when they made arched trusses for em. That snow load a few years back broke this old home. My living room ceiling has sagged significantly. Needing someone to strip the old roof off and redo a new one. Any recommendations are welcome, even your Joe smoe buddy who wants to work weekends. I'm young and able to help, just don't feel comfortable biting this project off with YouTube as my saving grace.

I feel like I need good hobbies.
I think people who commit their full life time to work, study or being mandatory productive don't really have the "real life" I am thinking about.
Real life is for me something outside of the work environment.
Or maybe it's just me trying not to be a boring guy.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I always make something up to make myself more interesting or I make up excuses like "I don't have much time for hobbies due my work/studying".
If I am honest, my hobbies would be lying around lazy and enjoy, watching YouTube, surfing internet, reddit, and other only consuming-hobbies. And when people ask me what I like to watch on YouTube or look up in the internet, I don't want to tell because sometimes it's not really specific, private or just for fun. I am not really ambitious expect for work/study.
I think people consider this a "no life guy" so I try saying half-true hobbies like "sport, playing instrument, reading, hanging out with friends, going for a walk, travelling". You know, the basic things. In conversations I will try to focus on the hobbies of my conversation partner so I can talk less about myself.
I think hobbies tell something about you, your interests, your identity, your personality. In my case I would be a lazy potato guy who likes to stay at home which is kinda the truth lol. Some people would say that's not "living".
Do you think I need better hobbies?

TLDR: Nannying is a very hard job. There would probably be a lot more nannies who work as hard as one needs to do this job well if the pay matched the value and difficulty of the work.
I’ve been pretty active in this sub lately because I’ve been feeling unhappy at my job and it helps to have a community. I wrote this a while ago and have been nervous to post it but I think it’s important. I saw a post in nannyemployers asking where all of the “good” nannies have gone and this was the response I was writing until I realised the replies were to be from NP only.. I would post in the nanny employers sub if I weren’t terrified of the response. I know I’m singing to the choir here and I know saying it out loud doesn’t change much. But I am so, so angry, so imma just send it.
As a nanny who has two college degrees, practices Montessori, Reggio Emilia, and RIE, and as someone who has always loved and wanted to work with kids, there simply is not enough money in this career path to stick to it. I personally simply cannot rationalise doing the amount of physical and emotional work that is required for me to do this job as well as I want to for the typical pay, even though I absolutely love it.
For my background, experience, and approach, I am in a severely underpaid position (even when disregarding my qualifications it would still be severely underpaid.) Because of my personal and financial situation at the time of my job search, I did not have the luxury to wait for a unicorn family to offer me the salary I was looking for. I found a family that was a good fit and accepted the position even though I felt it was very much underpaid. I am now in a position where I am continuously battling wanting to work as hard as I can for these kids and this family, and realising I can’t break my back for them while being this underpaid (I mean I literally threw my back out during this job). I’m not someone who breaks a commitment easily but I guess I could move from family to family, waiting to find one who is able to financially respect the value of this work, or I could stick it out and get $2/hr raises every year, but I can’t wait 10 years to finally get close to being paid what I know a proper nanny is worth. Yes there certainly are some nanny employers who properly respect this work and are able to financially meet it’s value, but in my experience they are few and far between. I have found that the overwhelming majority of nannies are severely underpaid and overworked.
Nannies are asked to have flexible schedules, work long hours, take on a laundry list of responsibilities, develop personal emotional relationships with children that aren’t theirs while keeping a professional distance, pay for and organise their own continued training, be emotionally and socially engaged with children all day long, and more. But above all, the most important aspect of nannying is managing our stress is such a way that allows us to stay in an executive state of functioning all day every single day. People deeply underestimate and undervalue the amount of hard and constant work it takes to keep oneself in an executive state of functioning day in and day out, especially in a high stress position where you are helping other people regulate their bodies all day on top of yours, AND are constantly sick and tired and being pushed and tested. I think that this ability is what makes the difference in a “good” nanny and is often the most overlooked, misunderstood, and undervalued aspect of the job responsibilities.
I want to be a good nanny, it’s my dream job to be the best nanny there is, and I used to think that I could accept being in an undervalued role because “it takes a village” and I wanted to do my part and this was my passion. But it doesn’t feel good to be undervalued financially and socially, in fact it feels really really bad, and this is why I will no longer be pursuing a career as a nanny. Even if I found my unicorn position, it wouldn’t change the fact that the overwhelming majority of my nanny peers are still underpaid and undervalued, and that doesn’t feel good. It makes me want to leave, and I think all of the other underpaid nannies should leave too. (We need a union or something, is this a thing?)
The market is oversaturated and undervalued. Not everyone needs a nanny now that quarantine is over (a full-time nanny, not babysitter or after school care). I have both worked at a preschool and as a nanny and I have found that a setting with multiple children of similar age is far better developmentally for a child than spending most of their time with a single adult and a sibling or two, even for young babies. I think a healthy mix of a daycare setting and family time at home is probably best but can be the most difficult to achieve with the current work culture. This is no one’s fault, the overworking culture is a burden of late stage capitalism that we all face. However, it is the burden of the parents to solve their work/life balance. This is a very big part of what one signs up for when becoming a parent. It is not the burden of the nanny to work more for less or the children to miss being with their parents (I’d say two doctor NP are pretty much the only ones who’d get a pass here).
It’s no one person’s fault that nannies are financially undervalued, the value of personal childcare and domestic work has a long saturated history fraught with misogyny and racism. Have you compared the average wage of a plumber (male dominated domestic work) to that of a nanny (female dominated domestic work)? And don’t tell me plumbing requires more training or is harder than nannying, I assure you they are of comparable difficulty especially considering there’s no step by step instructions on YouTube for nannying. (And if you do consider plumbing to be that much hard than nannying, what do you think gives you that perception? I mean as a parent, one should know that nannying absolutely is not just playing with kids all day, even if that’s all you ask your nanny to do. What subconscious bias could be giving you the perception that bringing up children is less difficult and of less value than screwing pipes together? Have you taken a race or gender studies class? Have you seen The Help? Don’t answer, just think.)
Plumbers make average $28/hr in the states, mechanics $26, for nannies it’s $20 (and that’s being generous). That’s a ¢70 on the dollar comparison. It is time we all realise that nannying is an underpaid and undervalued role and work to change that. If the wage being offered across the board better matched the value of the work, I think one would find a lot more serious nannies and a lot more current nannies taking the job more seriously.
I didn’t get it at first, why so many nannies at the park seemed so burnt out and disinterested in the kids. Oh boy do I get it now. I want nothing more than to do my best in this role, but in the past few months after nearly being stiffed by NP, not receiving a bonus from them when I really thought I would, and overall realising I am being taken advantage of and am a human mine to them, I have realised that I can no longer put my all into this job for my own health and sanity. Being properly compensated is the primary motivating aspect of all work especially in the society we are a part of. After loosing my sense of respect from NP, I’ve lost most of the non-financial motivation I started out with and am left with what little motivation my petite pay check gives me, and the kids can tell.
Since my fallout with NP, I have pulled back emotionally from the kids. I’m not mean and I am still doing every responsibility in my contract to the letter (and then some still), but I am no longer as emotionally available to them as I was. I am shorter and more curt with them, I don’t take as much time with them to sit and talk about every feeling they have, and I’m not working as hard to help them break the bad habits NP give them that NP specifically ask me to break (one example - NP want NK to walk everywhere with me but then always use the stroller with NP and every time we go out it’s a fight to use the stroller or not. Guess who’s been using the stroller far more often lately). Anyway, the past week my NK 3f has been quietly crying before her nap and I’m sure it’s because she’s felt me pull away from her. It’s breaking my heart and I’ve been trying to give her extra cuddles, but I have to protect myself first now. This is a job and these aren’t my kids and I can no longer rationalise putting them first emotionally especially considering I am burnt TF out, torn down, and left feeling used up and tossed aside without any recognition or proper thanks from NP.
I don’t know what the perfect number is, the number I would say many NP would probably think is too high, and maybe they’re not looking for a nanny who works as hard as I and others do. But I can tell you that $17/hr before taxes in a VHCOL area does not even come close to close. I think we can all easily recognise that the financial value of this job needs to better match the value of the work, in general and across the board. We’re talking about the people caring for and raising the future generations here, I mean how is this not the most coveted role in our society?
This is my Roman Empire and I will die on this hill every. single. time.

I'm 36 years old and I have just been diagnosed with a rare subtype of ovarian cancer. I'm one of the lucky ones, I'm stage 1a, and surgery (removing the cyst + 1 ovary + 1 fallopian tube) was enough. I don't need more surgery, no chemo. I can still be a mom.
But even so, I can't seem to move on. My mental health was not perfect before, but I was OK. Now I feel so depressed, scared, I feel like they made a mistake and I'm going to die soon. I'm in therapy and starting meds, have emergency benzos prescribed... All that. But I can't stop crying, and I can't engage with people. I feel so alone in my head.
I wish I could meet someone in my situation, but I don't feel like cancer groups are for me because... I don't have cancer now? I didn't go through chemo. I should feel happy, I should not be almost suicidal (don't worry, I'm not going to kill myself, and I have a psych and a therapist if things get worse, I just want to stop feeling this mental anguish 24/7).
Does it get better? Was someone here in my situation? What helped you endure this? What helped you move on, if not completely just so you didn't suffer nonstop?
Thanks in advance.

So, maybe you'd like to chat with me?! Send me a PM or chat request, I'll get back to you ASAP! Oh, that's not enough to convince you? I guess that's more than fair.
Well, here I am. Martin is the name, 36 laps around the sun have been completed, Sweden is the location, and I'd like to think of myself as relatively easy to talk to, loyal, like an open book, honest, humorous, and... pretty random and awkward at times, which likely comes from my (diagnosed) autism. But hey, I'm sure that has its upsides too... right? Right?!
Got a lot of time to spare, on my hands, so I'd be around quite a lot. For better or for worse. What I spend the time on? Here you go: - Music. This includes collecting records, going to shows, keeping up with releases, making playlists and lists, stuff such as that. What kind of music? Mainly metal, rock, punk, and the likes of that! - Games. This includes both video and board games. Playing on PC, PlayStation 5, and Switch. Quite the variation of games, with an emphasis on indie games. Find those to have the more original stuff. - Sports. This is mainly ice hockey and motorsports. This particular weekend, I'll be spending a fair amount on watching the Nürburgring 24 Hours, for instance. - Watching stuff. Okay, so, this means YouTube, Twitch streams, TV shows, movies... all that kind of stuff, really. Also quite the variety here, so I can let you know what kind of stuff I watch in a conversation! - Misc. stuff. Building LEGO, cooking, occasional reading, going to the gym (just recently went back, after a year hiatus), among other things.
How about now? Do you feel persuaded to send me a message? Suppose there's only one way to find out! See you there, hopefully!
Disclaimer: AT MOST looking for platonic friends! Already in a (long distance) relationship, so no need to look for one here. Thanks for keeping this in mind!

So, maybe you'd like to chat with me?! Send me a PM or chat request, I'll get back to you ASAP! Oh, that's not enough to convince you? I guess that's more than fair.
Well, here I am. Martin is the name, 36 laps around the sun have been completed, Sweden is the location, and I'd like to think of myself as relatively easy to talk to, loyal, like an open book, honest, humorous, and... pretty random and awkward at times, which likely comes from my (diagnosed) autism. But hey, I'm sure that has its upsides too... right? Right?!
Got a lot of time to spare, on my hands, so I'd be around quite a lot. For better or for worse. What I spend the time on? Here you go: - Music. This includes collecting records, going to shows, keeping up with releases, making playlists and lists, stuff such as that. What kind of music? Mainly metal, rock, punk, and the likes of that! - Games. This includes both video and board games. Playing on PC, PlayStation 5, and Switch. Quite the variation of games, with an emphasis on indie games. Find those to have the more original stuff. - Sports. This is mainly ice hockey and motorsports. This particular weekend, I'll be spending a fair amount on watching the Nürburgring 24 Hours, for instance. - Watching stuff. Okay, so, this means YouTube, Twitch streams, TV shows, movies... all that kind of stuff, really. Also quite the variety here, so I can let you know what kind of stuff I watch in a conversation! - Misc. stuff. Building LEGO, cooking, occasional reading, going to the gym (just recently went back, after a year hiatus), among other things.
How about now? Do you feel persuaded to send me a message? Suppose there's only one way to find out! See you there, hopefully!
Disclaimer: AT MOST looking for platonic friends! Already in a (long distance) relationship, so no need to look for one here. Thanks for keeping this in mind!

So, maybe you'd like to chat with me?! Send me a PM or chat request, I'll get back to you ASAP! Oh, that's not enough to convince you? I guess that's more than fair.
Well, here I am. Martin is the name, 36 laps around the sun have been completed, Sweden is the location, and I'd like to think of myself as relatively easy to talk to, loyal, like an open book, honest, humorous, and... pretty random and awkward at times, which likely comes from my (diagnosed) autism. But hey, I'm sure that has its upsides too... right? Right?!
Got a lot of time to spare, on my hands, so I'd be around quite a lot. For better or for worse. What I spend the time on? Here you go: - Music. This includes collecting records, going to shows, keeping up with releases, making playlists and lists, stuff such as that. What kind of music? Mainly metal, rock, punk, and the likes of that! - Games. This includes both video and board games. Playing on PC, PlayStation 5, and Switch. Quite the variation of games, with an emphasis on indie games. Find those to have the more original stuff. - Sports. This is mainly ice hockey and motorsports. This particular weekend, I'll be spending a fair amount on watching the Nürburgring 24 Hours, for instance. - Watching stuff. Okay, so, this means YouTube, Twitch streams, TV shows, movies... all that kind of stuff, really. Also quite the variety here, so I can let you know what kind of stuff I watch in a conversation! - Misc. stuff. Building LEGO, cooking, occasional reading, going to the gym (just recently went back, after a year hiatus), among other things.
How about now? Do you feel persuaded to send me a message? Suppose there's only one way to find out! See you there, hopefully!
Disclaimer: AT MOST looking for platonic friends! Already in a (long distance) relationship, so no need to look for one here. Thanks for keeping this in mind!

So, maybe you'd like to chat with me?! Send me a PM or chat request, I'll get back to you ASAP! Oh, that's not enough to convince you? I guess that's more than fair.
Well, here I am. Martin is the name, 36 laps around the sun have been completed, Sweden is the location, and I'd like to think of myself as relatively easy to talk to, loyal, like an open book, honest, humorous, and... pretty random and awkward at times, which likely comes from my (diagnosed) autism. But hey, I'm sure that has its upsides too... right? Right?!
Got a lot of time to spare, on my hands, so I'd be around quite a lot. For better or for worse. What I spend the time on? Here you go: - Music. This includes collecting records, going to shows, keeping up with releases, making playlists and lists, stuff such as that. What kind of music? Mainly metal, rock, punk, and the likes of that! - Games. This includes both video and board games. Playing on PC, PlayStation 5, and Switch. Quite the variation of games, with an emphasis on indie games. Find those to have the more original stuff. - Sports. This is mainly ice hockey and motorsports. This particular weekend, I'll be spending a fair amount on watching the Nürburgring 24 Hours, for instance. - Watching stuff. Okay, so, this means YouTube, Twitch streams, TV shows, movies... all that kind of stuff, really. Also quite the variety here, so I can let you know what kind of stuff I watch in a conversation! - Misc. stuff. Building LEGO, cooking, occasional reading, going to the gym (just recently went back, after a year hiatus), among other things.
How about now? Do you feel persuaded to send me a message? Suppose there's only one way to find out! See you there, hopefully!
Disclaimer: AT MOST looking for platonic friends! Already in a (long distance) relationship, so no need to look for one here. Thanks for keeping this in mind!

I was her number one fan.
I subscribed to YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok.
And I messaged every day saying how much I loved her content.
Crikey Moses, the excitement I’d feel when she was unboxing the latest gadgets.
Eventually, I was blocked by the content moderators for 'spam.'
Those Moderators!
And Business managers!
Parasites!
I had all her merchandise.
The collab she did with Mattel (Little Miss Barbie Starshine) and the Amazon Prime line.
She released an autobiography, saying how much she valued hard work, and I knew in my very bones she was being exploited; I could see it in the circles under her eyes.
She needed saving from the vultures ‘taking care’ of her.
Her whistle-stop book tour passed through the mall where I was a cleaner.
The event was scheduled to last four hours.
Those goddamn hyenas.
Eventually, she’d have to use the bathroom, so I waited, and sure enough, some big oaf opened the door and said to holler if she needed anything.
The brute didn’t know there was a storage cupboard leading to a fire exit.
And I grabbed her.
Freedom.
…
‘Little Miss Starshine, oh little Miss,’ I said.
She looked at me groggily.
‘Who are you?’
‘I’m your number one fan… We’re gonna do our own unboxing videos from now on.’
‘Wh, wh, Where’s my Mom?’ she said.
‘Your handlers? Those bottom feeders? Well, they’re on the news, but forget that.’
She started crying.
First sobs, then screams, and, finally, a full-blown tantrum.
I don’t know if you’ve ever had to quieten an 8-year-old girl, but it is a tricky business.
I took her by the arms, the mouth, and finally the neck, squeezing.
She fell limp.
‘Little Miss Starshine?’
I prodded. Her ivory face was frozen, her glassy big blue eyes still.
...
It affected me deeply.
I took to my bed and left her in the next room.
Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.
I began to collapse in on myself, and so did she.
What was left?
And it dawned on me.
Revenge.
Her parents had caused this tragedy.
They’d exploited her. Those scavengers.
The force of retribution was a powerful prime mover.
Tying the bow atop the package and mailing, I imagined her Mom and Dad(those cretins) as they opened it up and saw that sweet girl’s blonde locks on a head removed from a torso.
Little Miss Starshine’s final unboxing.

I'm 20 but am currently not making any money (I'm a volunteer teaching assistant and babysit for family) which means I cant afford the gym, which for me isnt really that big of a deal.
I know I can go running outside but I'm not the fittest and have quite judgemental neighbors who I always hear talking about me. (My bedroom is at the front if the house and our house is in the middle, so when they come out to talk they stand practically infront of my window and I hear everything) and I really dont want to give them another thing to laugh about.
Even if I did feel confident enough to go running my shoes are so old they dont even have soles in them and the bottom of them are so smoothed out they're like ice skates on smooth ground. My only option is to follow YouTube workouts at home in my room but I really hate it. I need to make a chnage to myself I just dont know how.
Once I've finished volunteering and paid of a debt I'm going to try and find a gym (mostly for the treadmills ect) but until then I'm stuck in my room.
Any motivation help is appreciated

In the 19, nearly 20, years I have lived my life, I was raised a Christian by American conservatives in a middle class environment and am fortunate to experience countless memories of joy, laughter, and growth with (mostly) everybody I have met. Each memory with the people in my life holds a special place in my heart, and I will forever cherish the bond we built.
The thing is that until the end of eighth grade, I had a strange obsession with East Asia. Looking back, it was very embarrassing and I condemn my parents for enabling me to become a weeaboo (by “weeaboo”, I mean “a person who is overly obsessed with East Asian culture, especially Japanese culture, to the point that they fetishize the culture in an unhealthy way”). I was the textbook example of a weeaboo who had a terrible case of “yellow fever” (sexual preference towards East Asians). Loving the image of East Asian culture without having any real idea what it stood for and seeing the East as a utopia, my fetishization of East Asia, especially Japan, was born out of the shame I have with the Western culture I was raised in. I never felt like I could fit in with my Western peers who I often looked down upon and did not want to be associated with. It got to the point that I became unsatisfied with my home town, my physical appearance, and even my closest friends. This combined with the surge in anime, K-pop, and other media on the internet really got me hooked and believing really fetish-y things about the Sinosphere. I hate being reminded of it and have tried to move on.
However, I am thankful for my exposure to Eastern culture, though it was through a very bastardized, Westernized lens. I am grateful for my exposure, even though it started out with something as intellectually undemanding as Vocaloid music (songs sung by a Japanese voice synthesizer). The best part about the exposure was that it helped me leave Christianity and join Buddhism at age 11, which greatly helped with my mental health considering I was experiencing suicidal thoughts since the age of 8. Though I had awful misunderstandings of Buddhism in the beginning and still do not really have a Buddhist teacher, I am glad that I have the resources to connect myself with other Buddhists and take refuge in the Triple Gem.
As I left my gross misconceptions of the Sinosphere behind back when I was 14 while still having a healthy interest in it, my eyes were eventually opened to perils which threaten not only the homelands of Buddhism (East, South, and Southeast Asia), but also the sustainability of modern humans. These two perils are Western culture and capitalist fascism.
The West exoticizes and misrepresents Buddhism and the culture of its home, the East, as a whole. I am ashamed to be born in a culture where this was encouraged, which I am worried could lead me to fetishizing Eastern culture again.
But what I know for sure is that the West’s hyperindividualism is harming people, both those whose lands are invaded and its own people. This combined with the West’s growing rejection of education, including that of the knowledge the West itself has given to the world for humanity’s benefit, makes it clear that it is lacking some of the Sinosphere’s cultural strengths. Everybody should hold collectivism and education to the same degree that the Sinosphere does, otherwise we would be left with an unsustainable society that would destroy itself.
There is nothing wrong with speaking Western languages, eating Western foods, watching (most types of) Western media, wearing Western clothes, and especially nothing wrong with using Western inventions, but we are now seeing that the West’s hyperindividualism and rejection of education is destructive and spreading like a cancer.
It is only Buddhists who make an effort to assimilate to the East (had they not been born into it) who can see the West with its hyperindividualism and uneducatedness, promoted by its creation of its spreading ideologies such as capitalist fascism and social Darwinism, for what it really is: a cancer. I can now see the direction the United States, the most populated and powerful country in the West, is going due to the rise of ultra-capitalism and/or fascism supporters.
Rarely the phrase “Western”, as in “formed by the combined foundations of Greco-Roman civilization and Western Christianity” (Gabbe), raised positive thoughts in my mind since I learned about it shortly after discovering Buddhism. “Western” when used in the context of medicine is an exception to this, but we are now seeing more and more Westerners dishonor the progress their ancestors made towards modern, mainstream, dare I say, Western medicine as they fall for anti-vaccine and anti-mask pseudoscience.
Nowadays, some who use the word in a derogatory context are uneducated reactionaries that bash anything and everything Western, yet hypocritically promote the Western political ideology of fascism. A strength that a majority (though now a decreasing number) of Western countries have is their progressivism, supporting scientific advancements, women’s rights, racial equality, and the LGBT+. However, this is not just becoming less common; being a progressive Westerner is not enough, not enough to end Western imperialism, to save the sacred truths taught to us by the Shakyamuni Buddha, or to empower the working class.
Although I never fully approved of Western culture after my weeaboo phase ended, my early teen self still ended up falling into the anti-social justice warrior side of YouTube that I now recognized hindered my understanding of what actually ruined my country, the United States of America. I still did not feel comfortable calling myself a Westerner but mainly because the West did not widely accept Buddhism and has several times in its history persecuted Buddhists. At the same time, I was deceived by a bastardized form of Buddhism common among Westerners (known as “secular Buddhism”, which picks and chooses aspects of the Buddha’s teachings instead of accepting them as a whole), so I was a bit more of the classic, stereotypical atheist neckbeard who fetishized the East up until 2020. Since then, my views became more progressive similar to those of American liberals and I denounced traditionalist Western beliefs, but like the average American liberal, I did not see Western culture, both traditional and progressive, as the peril I now see it. It was not until around the end of 2023 when I discovered the Western problem.
It was a slow burn that started with my discovery of Buddhists on the internet talking about how the West misrepresented Buddhism to appeal to “self-help” consumerists, Christians, and New Age followers. In the Westerner, I originally saw only a person who followed harmless customs, traditions, and other norms that came from a part of the world where Buddhism was not the dominant religion (if you could even call the non-theistic dharma as taught by the Gautama Buddha a religion). And so, I did not believe that Western civilization needed to fall for the safety of the dharma, let alone for its own people. After all, I thought to myself, the West has contributed so much to science and the modern world as we know it. I still believe to this day that there are no superior cultures and that each one simply has its own unique strengths and weaknesses, some of which are only subjective. However, while looking through Buddhist forums, I was shocked to hear about the West’s pollution of Buddhism and my knowledge on Buddhism skyrocketed as I learned that I fell victim to the Dunning-Kruger effect. I started reading sutras and immersing myself with Buddhism by listening to those who have much more experience than I do. There are hardly any Buddhists in my community and the only Buddhist center within reach is a New Kadampa Tradition meditation center (FYI: the New Kadampa Tradition must be avoided since it has a reputation for financially exploiting members and its monastics have allegations of drug trafficking and sexual abuse), so books and the internet are all I have left.
Practicing Buddhism in the West is nearly impossible without a community, without a Buddhist teacher, without any resources written by Eastern Buddhists. Reddit user u/Tendai-Student, a “lay Tendai Student [sic] with aspirations to become a Priest [sic]” states the following:
It is exceedingly challenging for a Westerner who is interested in Buddhism to find reliable information. Bookstores' Buddhist sections are rife with myths about the religion (we will come to some of these misconceptions below). Buddhism-related disinformation abounds in university classes. Misinformation about Buddhism abounds in publications with a Buddhist theme. Even Buddhism-related english-speaking [sic] Reddit boards are prone to carry false information.
Buddhism is constantly distorted in the same way: to make it more agreeable to Abrahamic faiths(especially Christianity in the west) [sic]. To imply that it is subject to Western standards, Western religion, and Western consumerism and materialism.
…Asian teachers are frequently excluded from English-speaking Buddhist places (meditation centers, university forums, periodicals). Asians make up the majority of Buddhists in the United States, despite the fact that popular images of Buddhism in the West make it appear otherwise. In the minds of Westerners, Buddhism is a religion of white converts. They don't even pay attention to the odd lack of Asians in some Buddhist areas. (u/Tendai-Student)
It is no wonder that I went through a phase when I was a weeaboo with “yellow fever”. The Westerner commodifies and commercializes these Buddhist practices and East Asian customs like they do with several other cultures. Its misuse and stealing of Buddhism is the worst because its teachings are for us to end suffering by ridding ourselves of the three poisons: greed, ignorance, and hatred (which the Westerner promotes).
My realization of this drew me away from the West, similar to when my obsession with the East began. The difference is that my interest in the East now is not because of a fantasy born out of misguidance, especially not a sexual one. I now know that there is more to the East than its pop culture. But I cannot help thinking that none of this would have happened and I would better understand Buddhism had I been born to and raised by Buddhists in East Asia, or even a majority Buddhist country in South or Southeast Asia.
However, the possibility of a cycle starting with a yo-yoing fetishization of the East makes me anxious. When I realized what I was doing at first was fetishization, I did further research and found out that the West is to blame for its portrayal of the East in its media. This in turn makes me denounce the West and brings me back towards my obsession with the Sinosphere, which could lead to more fetishization.
Despite this, I am glad that at the very least, my interest is more than just wanting to live a kawaii lifestyle, hoping to have a “submissive housewife who will look young forever”, or all that neckbeard squick. I do have to say that there is something else that is drawing me towards the Sinosphere, not to mention that it is the region where Buddhism is dominant (the same is true to a lesser extent with the Indosphere). Even though I am not a huge fan of tradition since I am very progressive, when a region’s culture gets something right, they get it right. In addition to Buddhist values, the Sinosphere holds education and collectivism to a high degree. It is no wonder I find their people so much more intelligent and caring than people from my culture.
It is common knowledge that countries such as Japan, China, South Korea, and Singapore have the highest average IQs. To add to this (unbeknownst to many), even less developed countries, e.g. Mongolia, with high Buddhist populations around the same region, have average IQs higher than developing and undeveloped nations outside the region. The most agreed upon reason for this is cultural factors rather than genetic or economic factors. To conclude, Buddhism combined with values in the East Asian cultural sphere creates the best “brains” to represent humanity, thus the West should make way for them, especially considering the East’s superior collectivism.
Of course cultures do not stay the same forever because they change over time. One big thing that is different now in the Sinosphere and Indosphere (the latter I am mentioning because it is where Buddhism came from, though it is not as dominant in the cultural region as it was) is that they are generally much more patriarchal and anti-LGBT+ than they were up until the last several centuries. However, Buddhism treats same-sex relations and being transgender the same as heterosexuality and being cisgender (preferring celibacy among monastics, though depending on the school of Buddhism, those in the monastic order may be treated as their birth gender, even if they are transgender), and in addition, the Buddha taught that women are just as capable of attaining enlightenment as men. Even outside of Buddhism, there are records of same-sex relations as early as the Shang dynasty in China and the temple walls in Khajuraho, India depict homosexual activity. As for feminism, China was matrilineal until the Han dynasty era, when Confucianism and filial piety became mainstream in the area, while India, home to over 100 different ethnic communities, has had a few matriarchal and egalitarian societies pre-European colonization. In the modern era, numerous people in the two cultural spheres are becoming more supportive of gender equality and the LGBT+, which in some cases may be due to Westernization (not that it redeems it) or simply the individuals’ progressive political views not influenced by Western culture.
What has stayed the same for the most part, besides Buddhism, is the Sinosphere’s and Indosphere’s value of collectivism in honor-shame societies and the former cultural sphere’s emphasis on education; this is what Westerners, as well as people all over the world, need for themselves. If the West is going to fall due to hyperconsumerism, late stage capitalism, and uneducated leaders, those living in the West would be better off joining Buddhism and assimilating to the East. Arguably, the best way to do this is to move to a majority Buddhist country, preferably one in the Sinosphere (its core countries being China, Japan, the Koreas, Taiwan, and Vietnam). Leave everybody you know from your home behind, especially non-Buddhists. Just to make things clear, Westerners are not necessarily evil and it is not their fault they were raised in a Western culture, but having these people in your life will hold you back from collectivism, quality education free of anti-intellectual quackery, and above all, understanding the dharma.
After you have left everybody in your life and started anew, you can immerse yourself in the culture. Again, abandoning Western food, media, clothing, and especially inventions and scientific breakthroughs is very unnecessary. Your main focus is reprogramming your mind to think like a person (specifically a Buddhist person) in the Sinosphere/Indosphere, utilizing the high educational standards, putting the collective over the individual, and taking refuge in the Triple Gem. Before moving, though, it is best to make yourself familiar with the customs and learn the language of the place you are moving to. To aid your assimilation, it would not hurt to start dating one of the locals who strongly identifies with the culture, regardless of their race. Someone living there who is not ethnically East, South, or Southeast Asian who is still very involved in the culture would be very helpful to your assimilation as one who is ethnically East, South, or Southeast Asian (I am clarifying this to discourage racial fetishization). This may be difficult as you would have to win over approval from their parents, let alone convince them to see you as another Easterner, but if you manage to do so, that would be fantastic. To make things easier, you could plan to move to a country where people treat women as equals and are relatively accepting of the LGBT+ so you would not have to worry about gender roles or whatever. Think of places in the Sinosphere such as Singapore, Taiwan, Japan, Hong Kong, or if you are planning on going to the Indosphere (which is not too big of a step down) since they did give us Buddhism after all, Nepal and Thailand. Your most important goal, however, is to rewire your brain to think in a more Sinic or Indic way and be more in touch with Buddhism.
You can hardly consider yourself a Westerner if you manage to do so, being Western only in your country of origin (and possibly race as well). I am definitely not like those other “people” from the West who strongly cling to Western culture because they just do not understand. Western cultural merit is almost solely from the proxy of our ancestors’ inventions, scientific discoveries, and political revolutions. Considering that the West is being brought towards the wrong direction in the modern era, we should get out of there culturally, if not physically, until it all hits the fan.
If the West continues its defilement of the rest of the world, when it falls, it will bring it all down with it. We must not lose or else everybody loses.
This pressure has a good side; because the bigger the great threat becomes, the more we will push ourselves to assimilate and raise children to fight for us. Considering the infectability of Western anti-intellectualism and “main character syndrome”, how could our Western peers know better? Buddhism is not a proselytizing “religion”, so our best bet is eliminating the promoter of the three poisons, the Westerner (especially the Christian Westerner), from our own lives. How it will run to us as its society collapses under itself and we welcome it to assimilate but say “we told you so”! The older I get, the better I know the Westerner. The better I know the Westerner, the easier it gets to excuse hostility against them, especially from the Sinosphere.
From my perspective, the ones to blame are not the angry, low-middle class white males in the rural United States nor the boba conservative bananas and right-wing coconuts who suck up to the West’s biggest scum, but rather the ones who have brainwashed them to fall for chauvinism, reactionarism, and laissez faire capitalism.
Realizing this, I am now closely investigating the sources of these beliefs which make up the foundation of social Darwinism and, when combined with totalitarian thinking, capitalist fascism. This is after I noticed that these systems are unsustainable and would destroy themselves from the inside out. The slow, painful destruction of communities who fall victim to them are well known to me. If one looks carefully, they can see the consequences that have been unfolding since the 2020 Coronavirus Pandemic. You may wonder: were the founders aware of this? My guess would be that they were not but were evil nonetheless because they were too selfish to think about the future, their descendants.
If this is the case, then it is the duty of us, the opponents of these ideologies, to spread the word faster than the ideologies are currently spreading in the West. It is hard for me to believe it is not the case considering that both Western political ideologies are fundamentally reactionary. Besides, I doubt they would want civilization as we know it to collapse.
I have a social Darwinist as a maternal uncle who sometimes meets with my parents, maternal grandfather, and younger brother and with his political conversations, often sourced from flawed studies, Russian news, and 4chan, I can easily study the principles of its theories. Both of my parents are also conservatives who support Trump and other immoral American politicians. Being raised by the two of them, I bet I could disguise myself as a Western right-wing traditionalist, maybe even a social Darwinist, since I know the way they speak, to whom they flock to, and how to make them give one their full attention. It would probably be easy to do this as some right-wing grifters can fool American right-wing audiences into thinking that they share the same beliefs (e.g. Thomas MacDonald).
Their kind are gullible because they do not listen to fact checkers and often do not do research to see if who they are listening to really practices what they preach.
Even though there are Westerners who are not like this, the West cannot coexist with Buddhism, let alone the cultures where it is dominant, as the West ruled by colonizing tirthikas and it will likely always be for as long as it lasts. And just because their culture is not as viable as the one founded on Buddhist, Sinic, or even Indic values does not give them the right to imperialize the rest of the world and bring it down with them. We can welcome the Westerner willing to change its ways, turn it into one of an Easterner, and have its culture go through a quick and painless demise, or the Westerner can continue its power trip, destroy everything it touches along with itself, and society will suffer a slow and painful death. This is what the conclusion that I have come to so far as I examine capitalist fascism and Westerners’ connection to it.
The Western doctrine of capitalist fascism rejects an aspect of maitrī, fulfilling beings’ basic needs, and substitutes it for a privilege towards the bourgeoisie and the exploitation of the workers’ labor (also known as Vergegenständlichung or “objectification”). Thus it denies the worth of the collective, only concerns itself with greedy individuals, and thus is immoral. Unlike what the non-Buddhist capitalist wants people to believe, all beings have an altruistic Buddha nature, but it is corrupted, being difficult to notice as it has only conditions without a beginning (listed in the Avijjā Sutta). Abandoning capitalism, both fascist and non-fascist, gives power to the people as it ensures a more guaranteed right to life instead of having not even one thousand billionaires own more than half of Earth’s population combined, more than each one of those billionaires could ever spend in their lifetimes.
Should the Westerner, especially one who pushes capitalist fascism, strengthen its grip on humanity, it can be said that it would make its own naraka.
And so I stand by my plan and encourage others to do the same because it is in the name of the Unsurpassable Enlightened One. By protecting our kind against the Westerner, we are defending the Triple Gem.
If it is not already clear, the disapproval I feel towards the societal values and prevailing norms of the West has led me to question my place in this environment. I believe that meaningful change can only be fostered if the West is put into its place and the Sino-Buddhist East motivates our minds.
In Vietnam, where the culture is predominantly Sinic with some Indic aspects and little European influence, we can see the promotion of quality education, collectivism, and Buddhism (practiced by a forgivable 15% of the population), very unlike the nearby country of the Philippines. In the Philippines, its citizens cling to the Anglo-Saxon and Hispanic culture brought to the country by American and Spaniard imperialists. The effects of this are very clear in their average IQs (Vietnam: 89.53 vs. Philippines: 81.64) and PISA scores (Vietnam: 1403 vs. Philippines: 1058). They are both developing countries in Southeast Asia that were colonized by the West, but because Vietnam kept its culture more pure and stuck to Buddhism (or at least Sinic philosophies), its people are better educated compared to the nearby Westernized countries in a similar economic situation.
In short, Westernization leads to the following:

1. The native culture becomes diluted
2. If Western thinking intrudes, mental degeneration takes hold of the native population and its society slowly degrades along with the West itself as it eats itself from the inside out

Those who cause this to happen must be stopped, especially those who endanger Buddhism. We must not wait for the fruition of their karma for their sacrilege of the Tathagata’s teachings because by then it would be too late, and even if it is instant karma, every bodhisattva’s job is to end suffering.
Those who spread the harmful ideologies bring themselves and others away from the Buddha’s word are polluting humanity by having them join their rat race that will only end in their own demise. They are leading to the ruin of many and thus, I do not consider them to be human but instead parasites.
There is a disgraceful Western belief that for a short amount of time was not held by the majority but is now very pervasive in the West and also is the foundation of reactionarism, chauvinism, and capitalism in all cultures. It says: “My individual rights matter the most and freedom means my right to violate the rights of others.”
This Western babble is followed by numerous all around the world and sows disharmony in societies where it becomes the norm. This idea provides basis for several types of Westerners, including but not limited to:

• the “Karen”; a middle-aged, entitled, often white and anti-mask/anti-vaccine female who makes trivial complaints
• the “Chud”; a racist, misogynistic, right-wing male (usually young) who browses 4chan everyday and has a high likelihood of becoming a mass shooter
• the dayangma (Hanzi: 大洋马); a sex-obsessed young adult Western female, majority white but sometimes POC, is conventionally attractive (to Westerners), sleeps around, and in some cases creates spawn that do not know their father(s)
• the angry white male; self-explanatory, right-wing and traditionalist (sometimes a social Darwnist or capitalist fascist), commonly rural, evangelical Christian and have never seen a POC before
• the “Trad Wife”; a prudish, sometimes uneducated, female who lets Western males walk all over it and raises spawn who are likely to become angry whites
• the New Agehippy; generally a teenager or young adult, a well-meaning but poorly educated white liberal or social democrat who misappropriates Buddhism and appeases Muslims
• the AmeriKKKan fathegrandfather; a middle-aged to elderly, chauvinist male with children, sometimes also grandchildren, and is unconcerned about social justice and similarly to the “Karen”, falls for pseudoscientific conspiracy theories
• the neckbearded otaku (Hiragana: おたく); a hairy white male with “yellow fever” and mediocre hygiene, for the most part subreddit/Discord server moderators who stalk and kidnap East Asian ladies (if not teenage girls)

The growth of these groups is evidence of the degradation of Western culture, showing that it must retire as the dominant culture and make way for the much more sustainable East. Once the manuṣya realm on Earth is completely tainted by the West, Buddhas can no longer arise in the world because the dharma would be known by nobody and the Vinaya are forgotten or destroyed.
The future generation will not remember the dharma unless we halt the growth of the parasitic culture that promotes overconsumption, hyperindividualism, and anti-intellectualism.
The Westerner has a remarkable contrast to the Sinic or Indic. The Westerner has a grasp on this world so strong with its weaponry since the 16th century, using force to disrupt the traditional lives of whatever native people it saw, safe for those in a few countries (even though some of those countries are still being Westernized). The Dutch, English, French, Portuguese, and Spanish built colonies from the Americas to Southeast Asia. The kingdoms were blessed with powerful militaries, strong economies, stable governments, and advanced technology that allowed their cultures to spread. But after half a millennium and looking back, was any of this really earned? And is the Westerner’s conquest over yet?
Since the Great Schism of Christianity, the Westerner trained itself for roughly one thousand years. It trained itself in several aspects, but it forgot an important piece, the dharma. The cunning Westerner, blessed with advancements, used them to tyrannize other peoples on a scale never before seen. This was the beginning of the Latter Day of the Dharma. The dharma is declining because of the savage Westerner. And so, it leeched off of any people it got a hold of, including predominantly Buddhist peoples. Even during the decolonization of the 20th century, fundamentalist Christianity spread and threatened the dharma. To make matters worse, previously Buddhist peoples clung to Christianity as taught by their colonizers; the French in Vietnam and the Spanish and Americans in the Philippines. To this day, the Philippines is a lost cause along with its majority Muslim neighbors in Maritime Southeast Asia. The cunning Westerner turned the Filipino against us and now Buddhists make up only 2% of the Philippines’ population. Now, the Westerner sees Buddhism as nothing more than an aesthetic, a self-help lifestyle, or a decoration that they can commercialize and cherry pick aspects to integrate into their religion or lack thereof.
It is excellent for someone from the West to learn the dharma as this will turn them into a more compassionate and wise person, but they must not enforce the Western gaze onto it and discard parts of the Shakyamuni Buddha’s words they do not like. To be fair, some aspects of Buddhism would be nearly impossible for a Westerner to understand unless they assimilate.
Buddhism is not materialist or blind belief without evidence and it belongs to the East, so stop pretending to be something you are not while pushing stereotypes of Asian Buddhists.
However, even though Buddhism is not materialist or very in line with the Western worldview, it is uniquely human. Walpola Rahula, a Sri Lankan Buddhist monk and writer explains it this way:
Among the founders of religions the Buddha (if we are permitted to call him the founder of a religion in the popular sense of the term) was the only teacher who did not claim to be other than a human being, pure and simple. Other teachers were either God, or his incarnations in different forms, or inspired by him. The Buddha was not only a human being; he claimed no inspiration from any god or external power either. He attributed all his realization, attainments and achievements to human endeavour and human intelligence. A man and only a man can become Buddha. Every man has within himself the potentiality of becoming a Buddha, if he so wills it and endeavours. We can call the Buddha a man par excellence. He was so perfect in his 'human-ness' that he came to be regarded later in popular religion almost as 'super-human'. Man's position, according to Buddhism, is supreme. Man is his own master, and there is no higher being or power that sits in judgment over his destiny. (Rahula 3)
How could one even consider the Westerners who diluted Buddhism human themselves at this point? If it were not for them, Westerners may have a better understanding of the teachings of the “man par excellence”. We are lucky that the only Westerners who necessarily see us as inferior are white nationalists and fundamentalist Christians, otherwise the Westerner could have committed a genocide that would have left millions of us dead. Westerners are competitive beings, so they rarely act in concord towards each other. It is only when there is something that draws them together or away from a common danger.
If everybody on Earth becomes a Westerner, they would wallow in their shamelessness and would have nobody left to exploit except for each other until they destroy themselves.
Until they are the only ones left, they will vilify and exploit anything non-Western until they only have each other, then leading to a chaotic world of undignified militaries, economic inequality, corrupt governments, and little or no innovations.
Unless the Westerner considers even the slightest of inspiration from the East, it will continue to follow hyperindividualism and have apathy towards its education. That is why the West is falling. Those from the West who are smart enough to realize that the West’s flaws that it spreads are deciding that the West is not worth maintaining and its resignation is overdue. If those from the West abandon it to assimilate to the East, it would make the West’s death quicker but more dignified.
This is more than a fad but rather the realization that Western society would be best being a passing fad itself. The West gave us great inventions, food, clothes, scientific discoveries, etc. and once it is gone, the East can pick up where it left off just fine.
We will never abandon the Triple Gem because we recognize it to be more than a spiritual, exotic aesthetic or trend. To do so would make us just like those others in the West who Asian Buddhists look down upon. When the time is right, each and every one of us will surround ourselves with the people who know the dharma better than anyone you have met in the West and we can finally be at their level. We shall be Western only in our country of origin and/or race, but in every other way, we will be Easterners; Buddhist Easterners who will take back what rightfully belongs to us.
When we (and hopefully Buddhists outside of both the Eastern and the Western world) do this, consumerism will lose some of its biggest prey. Even though it may not seem like it at first considering we are abandoning everyone we have ever known, we are doing our ancestors a favor by joining the culture that strives towards the end of suffering. We will be leaving our cultures’ ways of thinking behind, but doing this will save face for our lineage, especially the Western lineage as we would be preventing the creation of more “Karens”, “Chuds”, dayangmas, “neckbeards”, and other degenerates. We will not be annoying dorky nerds and certainly not “neckbeards” who are overly obsessed with and fetishize the culture but people making an effort to get closer to the dharma and surrender to the East.
Although we are collectivists, we must seek personal liberation first for the good of other beings. Once the West collapses and its former supporters come running to us, we shall welcome them. If some do not recognize this before it is too late, well boo hoo! They will have a better birth with the world we will create. Some of them, especially their unlucky spawn, would probably be better off dead and reborn into a better life, maybe even the Pure Land.
The way it is looking now, the West is falling and becoming the world’s laughingstock, which is a good thing. The quicker it falls, the less painful it will be for the Westerner and everybody else. Western culture will not be missed, but we can keep the best of it and continue the innovations that the creators would wish to see. We will remember the legacy of them and be thankful while never forgiving or forgetting the ones who ruined the West.
Works Cited
“Ignorance Avijjā Sutta (AN 10:61).” Translated by Ṭhānissaro Bhikkhu. Dhammatalks. 2017, https://www.dhammatalks.org/suttas/AN/AN10_61.html. Accessed 31 May 2024.
Gabbe. “Western Culture.” Wikipedia. 25 May 2024. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Western_culture#:~:text=The%20core%20of%20Western%20civilization,Roman%20civilization%20and%20Western%20Christianity. Accessed 31 May 2024.
Rahula Thero, Walpola. What the Buddha Taught. Oneworld Publications, 1959. Accessed 31 May 2024.
u/Tendai-Student. “栄真Eishin (u/Tendai-Student).” Reddit, 31 May 2024, https://www.reddit.com/useTendai-Student/. Accessed 31 May 2024.
u/Tendai-Student. “Buddhism is being MISREPRESENTED in the West Marginalisation, cultural appropriation, misconceptions and what you can do.” Reddit, 2023, https://www.reddit.com/WrongBuddhism/comments/14zc6xg/buddhism_is_being_misrepresented_in_the_west/. Accessed 31 May 2024.

I met a guy in 2019. We dated and he broke up with me in late we 2020. I'm not upset about the breakup as I was thinking about the same thing for a while but I'm always hopeful that things can improve.
My normal rule about stuff is that once I break up with somebody I never interact with them other than a casualhi and bye aka we're not friends. For some reason I broke this rule and we began a friendship / friends with benefits situation. I should point out that after we broke up and started having a physical relationship again it was substantially better than what we had before. I mean if it was a four out of 10 before, and that's being generous, it was now an 8 out of 10. And then April happened and we got into an argument about something and he didn't want to talk to me again.
I am very clear about boundaries. If someone says they never want to speak with me again, whether that's one day or 20 years from now I will walk past them as if they don't exist to respect their wishes. It therefore surprised me when a few months later he wanted to talk again, and so we did. Best turned into the previous situation hanging out and having sex.
If you're smart you know what happens next, we once again get into a big argument and he swears he never wants to talk to me ever again. This lasts for over a year and then one day out of the blue he sends me money on cash app. He says he owes me money for the YouTube premium account I bought and he was on. He knows I make more than enough money that the cost did not bother me and if I cared my personality type would have said something to him a long time ago.
This time is different though. We don't meet up in person instead every now and then we may text on the phone or something, but never in person. He says he doesn't really trust me to not do something he doesn't like again and I say it doesn't matter how much I change you are always going to interact with me as if I'm the person I was years ago. So not seeing each other is what works.
After almost a year of this, he's willing to meet me in person. I want to be clear that I have not asked him to be me in person and have not offered. I recognize that I am not walking on eggshells around him but he is walking on eggshells around me so I had no reason to push him to spend time with me. If you've been following the story, you know what happens next. We start fooling around again.
This time things are good We've been talking for almost a year without any arguments or anything and we've been able to be in person with each other without issues. Sometime over Christmas break we're talking and I admit to him that I am still in love with him and care about him in that way. He makes it 100% clear that he has no intention of ever getting into a relationship with me ever again and he desires nothing long-term with me. His exact words were I can never see myself marrying you ever
Based on our history I can understand that. Remember what I said earlier though I respect boundaries so I am never going to push for anything further than what we have. That also means I do not treat this as a relationship but just someone I'm hanging out with and sometimes we fool around. One of us however starts doing the relationship things. Things such as cuddling, wanting to watch TV shows together, go out to events together, and stuff of that nature. If he stays over, we definitely must cuddle and kiss and all that stuff even if sex is not happening..
I am clear that we are not in a relationship. I'm not sleeping with other people but I know that he has been and that's fine . I am also clear that it has been made clear to me that there is no desire to ever be in a relationship with me ever again. With that said what is going on. I feel like I'm getting mixed signals. I know that he has said nothing to suggest more but I'm starting to feel like this is a toxic relationship. The funny part about this is this is literally all the good parts of our previous relationship except all the time. A part of me doesn't care about this since I'll be moving away in a few months anyway and it'll end then whether we wanted to or not.
I guess my thing is I wanted this but I want it with someone who wants a long-term relationship with me. And being with him gives me that pseudo relationship which encourages someone like me to just rely on that instead.
I guess my question is where do things go from here. I know I'm moving soon and I know that even though I feel the way I feel I know that we would not last in an actual relationship for that long. The only actual harm is that I'm not actually finding someone to spend my life with but I'm also moving so I wouldn't be doing that here anyway.
I guess my question is did I just set myself up for heartbreak. I didn't know I was moving to Texas when this began, but I think the Heartbreak would have been there regardless or worse I just would have stayed in this pseudo relationship. I already have a big fear about moving to Texas and only having my family around since I know no one else there but now I'm leaving behind someone who I was physically and romantically connected to. So do I just go with the flow and just let it be and just focus on Texas and enjoy the moment or should I start slowly distancing myself away?

What's up guys
I've traveled all over the US and have lived in quite a few cities, including Denver, Miami, and several mid-sized cities throughout Louisiana and East Tennessee.
I was always amazed by cities growing up. I love the architecture, the sense of community, the food, the energy, the feeling of being part of something bigger than myself.
But the more time I spend in cities, the more I feel like our cities and the communities they're home to are crumbling.
Corporate control and corrupt politicians have made life in the city highly unaffordable. Car-centric design has littered our communities with asphalt, unwalkable streets, and parking lots. New architecture - office buildings and residential alike - has been designed to maximize profits rather than for the enjoyment and use of the people.
It's upsetting to me that we've lost so much of what made American cities and life in the West so great in the past.
So, imagine if we had a chance to reinvent our cities and society as a whole. No politics, no BS, just a fresh start, with all of the technology we have today. What changes could we make to create a better life for ourselves and our next generations? Here's some of my ideas. I hope you enjoy.
Architecture, Construction, and Urban Design:

• Plan the City Ahead of Time as a Digital Model

Let's build a digital model of our next-gen city, based around a state-of-the-art public transportation system, with a clear architectural style. Future residents can propose design changes online.

• Create the Most Livable and Community-Oriented Neighborhoods We Can Imagine

Within our neighborhoods, we'll have walking and bike paths, parks, trees for shade, lighting at night, local businesses and eateries on the ground level, filtered water stations and clean, nice restrooms set throughout. We'll rid our public spaces of advertisements, parking lots, and loud cars and replace it with art, eateries, local business, and effective public transportation.

• Create Better Homes, Apartments, and Complexes

We'll have local business on the ground level of our buildings, a set minimum of restaurant spots built in each neighborhood. Condos and apartments will be equipped with water filtration systems, better air filtration systems, humidity control, zone-specific HVAC control, better sound proofing, and temp-control mattresses in bedroom to improve sleep. The complexes will be designed harmoniously with their surrounding environment in mind - No more balconies overlooking a 4-lane highway. Complexes will have community-spaces (pool deck, garden, gym, community balconies), and larger complexes will have redundant spaces, each assigned to different floors / sections of the complex, so that residents see the same people more and are able to foster community more easily. (It's hard in big complexes - there's so many people)

• Sustainability, Construction, and Decentralization

We could manufacture many of our buildings in a modular fashion outside of the city, for final assembly within the city to minimize construction noise and time. Our current cities are constantly under construction, it's a drag. Construction tools could be redesigned to make less noise, and we can allocate more resources / labor to each project to complete faster. We'll utilize sustainable building materials like CLT where feasible. We can even design architecture to be disassembled and recycled at the end of its life. Disassembly, material sorting, and recycling will be much easier to accomplish down the line with AI. One of our best defenses against tyranny and outside forces is decentralization - Equipping each neighborhood with solar, and creating redundant water systems, online communication systems, etc will create a strong, resilient city.
A New Education System

• One Completely Free Education System

Let's quit putting children in $100s of thousands in debt over education and create one, singular education system that equips both children and returning adults with all of the tools they need to succeed in society. We'll have a core curriculum and then a multitude of different areas that students can pursue based on their passion and current job market conditions. We'll utilize video teaching (like people are doing on YouTube now) and AI simulations to drastically increase retention and course quality. Again we'll teach the basics, like math, scientific method, geography, language and rhetoric, but we'll also teach essentials like how to cook, how to exercise and take care of your body, how to build relationships, how to open a business, how to operate our city's political system, the basics of modern society - basic housing construction, water systems, electricity, our public transportation network. And then once kids start to branch out into their niche, we'll offer courses on specific careers, like construction, urban design, culinary arts, music, engineering, etc. Real, practical, skills all for free in one system.

• Real-Time Job Market Analytics, and Enhanced Student Report Card

We'll tap employers / local businesses into our education system for the sole purpose of making job-market data available to students in real time. Businesses and employers will post their labor needs into the system, and students / parents can make educational path decisions based on real-time data. As students progress and expand their knowledge, their progress will be automatically compiled into an advanced and details student 'report card' which details their expertise, interests, and knowledge rather than pinning them up against other classmates in a GPA system. This will allow employers and parents a much better understanding into student's strengths, passions, and progress.
A (Much) Better Political System
There's a long list of issues with our current political system - only two parties, corporate control, federal overreach, money laundering, massive corruption and human rights violations around the globe. Let's scrap it entirely and create a reddit-like 'community forum' for our city where once every 2-4 years during a limited working-hours political holiday, we come together to discuss policy, issues within our community, new developments and plans, and how we would like to allot our tax money. We'll have a highly secure voting system and make decisions for our community within our community. We can still elect officials, as well as management and development companies for projects and managed systems. These contractors and companies can bid for the communities' business within the forum and we can vote there. Something else we could do is scrap IPO's and instead buy out systems that arise within our community like uber or airbnb and turn them into community assets the same as we've done with education, public transportation, etc. We'll elect / re-elect a management team and these services will become dirt cheap for everyone, instead of being bought out by investors and turned to shit to maximize profits.
Hope y'all enjoyed. Feel free to pick this apart, lol, or add your own ideas! I have a whole journal full of this stuff so if you guys liked it, I'll post some more soon.

I'll be leaving uni for home in a few days time, but I just got off the phone after talking with my parents and siblings and had felt triggered about the past 2 years and how I almost commited suicide because of all the stress and pressure of putting up with what had transpired. For context, I'm 24 (F) in my last year of uni, and I have two brothers 30(M) and (5M) who live with my parents (Both in their late 50's), who live in the country side. I had been diagnosed with heart disease when I was in highschool and since then things have been tough for me, with losing all my weight and having to go through three different schools just to complete high school because of my health, but since then I have got the hang of taking care of myself and my symptoms, I have gained weight, made it to uni (which was a suprise not only to myself but my teachers as well) and am almost done with uni, and I could not be prouder. However, this past week has been a roller coaster, with thoughts of committing suicide lurking in every corner, I didn't know why at first but after talking to my parents on the phone bits of memories came flooding back to me about how I thought I reached my point of living and that my heart was gonna give out any moment or that it would be better if I'd just off myself with that sharp knife in the corner by slitting my wrists open. You see, my mum had this really bad lung infection the Christmas of 2022 while I was home for the holidays, and I took on most of the responsibility of taking care of her from 5am in the morning to the next morning where I'd sleep at 3am after ensuring she was okay, then wake up to do it all again. Don't get me wrong, I loved taking care of my mum, it made me happy that I could be there when she was at her weakest to lend her the strength and care she deserved after taking care of me all these years. It all happened one afternoon when my brother has come home afted being gone all day and did not even receive an earful from my parents (or mainly my dad) like I did for being out for just 2 hours to unwind from taking care of my mum and nursing her back to health all while not having any contact with friends or the outside world then our yard for almost 2 months, I was called selfish by my dad and told that my actions were stupid that if my mum would die I'd look stupid crying for her just like my mum's sister who chose to go out and meet friends the day her father died, that I was supposed to be at home with mum taking care of her. My dad is a stay at home dad, my older brother dropped out of college and my mum is the sole bread winner of the family. While my mum was sick, my dad would get groceries, attend to church meetings, ensure the yard was kept clean lend a hand when it was needed with caring for mum while my brother ate, slept on time, had time to meet friends, throw his plates in the sink without washing them and not lending a hand with helping mum. Meanwhile I spent my days bathing her, dressing her, feeding her, massaging her body, changing her hot water in her mugs to ensure she stayed hydrated because that's all she could drink without coughing , cleaning her sleeping area and sanitizing it everytime she had to go to bed after a warm bath as well as watching over her as she slept to ensure her pillows were placed in a way that didn't obstruct her airflow all while also ensuring that everyone's laundry was done and put away, food was cooked and served, plates were washed and put away, my little brother was cared for also while doing part of my dad's work around the house to ensure he got enoughg sleep at night, since we lived by the country side there were a lot of chores to do around the house as most of the things were done manually or by hand. I did this until she got back on her feet and was able to do little things around the house without my help. After a week or two when my mum had improved told my parents that I'll be gone the next day after lunch to see my friend and that normally before mum got sick Friday was a free day for me that I get an off day of doing house work. So the day came, I dressed up (I felt pretty after not being able to do that in a whole) and left after ensuring that my big brother was home to assist mum whenever she needed and also checked on my mum to see if she was okay and that she didn't need my help before I stepped out of the house at 2pm. The walk to my friend's house felt like heaven, with sun in my face, the breeze on my face and the skip in my step. I spent the afternoon talking, laughing and having a good time with my friend before going home at 5pm, happy and satisfied that the day had brought me so much joy and relieved my stress. I got and came in with a big Hello, to everyone in the house, my dad didn't say anything, he just sat there looking so mad. And that's when he proceeded to call me selfish and compare me to my mother's sister all while my mother and brother sat there saying nothing, I atleast thought they would've spoken up to say that I needed the break, but they didn't. I cried as ai stood there listening to my dad utter out harsh words until I couldn't listen to him anymore. I proceeded muster up a less shaky voice and said the following "I apologies for going out to see my friend and I apologies mum and dad it won't happen again, but the thing is I needed this, after taking care of mum and the house I just needed a break. My brother gets to go out, meet friend and talk to them and even stay out till late but he never gets scolded but when I do it's different. I do everything in this house, I take care of mum, wash all of your clothes, cook the food, feed you all and even wash up after everything and you big brother can't even wash your own plate or lend a hand. Oh and dad I spend the time I get after mum finally rests during the day to do some of your chores to cut down the amount of time you spend doing them in order for you to get a good night's rest and I go to sleep early in the morning just to wake up after 2 hours and do it all again. So I'm sorry that I had to go out, but I really needed it." After saying all that, I went up to my room and cried the whole night. The next morning I came downstairs at 10am to find my dad washing up and my mum on her phone, it was a quiet day, I thought my brother was in his room, then the we got heard that he had actually left in the morning to go visit my aunt who is a 30 minute drive from our house, where he spent the day hanging out with friends and cousins before coming back home at 6pm with my grandma who came to spend a week with us. My dad upon hearing the news that my brother was had left in the morning just shook his head and said that my brother should have stayed and lend a hand around the house, but after my brother got back I was hoping he'd get the same scolding my dad gave me, well that never happened. I went to my mum and asked her why wasn't daddy scolding my big brother and she did not say anything so I spoke up and said aloud, "wow, so I get a scolding for staying out for just 3 hours but he gets to stay out for an entire day without helping out around here and he gets welcomed home?" I then went to my room because I didn't want them to see the tears that started to fall, then it hit me when I was in my room crying, everything that happened over the years on how differently I was treated, my accomplishments my birthday's and even my sickness. It hit me how differently I was treated, my brother had big graduation foods prepared and his graduations were celebrated from primary all the way to high school and little courses while I just had a well done from my parents even after taking in prices since I was in elementary, thought they'd take me out to eat a celebratory lunch after my high school graduation because it was the hardest part of my life to pass but all I got was a disgusted look and a 'thats what your wearing?' after at my graduation after I took my gown off to take pictures. I can't remember the time I blew out candles for my birthday or when a party was thrown for me, but my brother somehow has a cake for most of his birthdays and he had a really big party once with four big cakes, a whole roasted pig, lots of food and even had all his friends invited. When i reaches the age of 14, the same age he was when my parents threw him a party, I thought I'd have the same too, but I didn't, and still had not one party until I turned 24. The day I turned 23, was a month after my mum got better, I spent the whole day cooking for everyone, was wished happy birthday after realising it was my birthday, I then told them I'd come down to eat later after I take a nap and that they should serve the food and leave mine on the dining table. I came down to find they ate most of the food, and I was only placed only a bit of food in my plate. I got mad and hit my plate on the table with just a little food spilling over, my dad saw this and screamed at me and told me that my future husband would beat me up and that my life will be miserable and bad because of what I did. Well you guessed it, I went back to my room crying, and that blade in my bag looked so tempting against my wrists. I also remember when my brother dropped out of college that I was blamed by my parents, with my dad telling me on my way back from the grocery store that I'm the reason my brother ended up like how he is because they show me too much favour growing up. And when my big brother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after dropping out of college after misuse of alcohol and drugs my mum religiously took to the internet to search for diets, information and everything to do with it until he became better and she continued doing so for every little sickness like flu, meanwhile my heart disease was never on her search list. She even signed up for YouTube videos and lessons on everything to do with my brother health, and mind you my heart disease was diagnosed 6 years before he got bipolar. I left for school after the holidays, still exhausted and stressed from the entire experience. My body had reached its lowest point, I could feel my heart was tired, I was ready to die in my bed in my dorm, I had made peace that if my heart passed out before while rest I'd be okay with it. That's third year of uni was hell for me, my body never really recovered, I kept getting sick, had malaria countless times as well as typhoid three times in a row the same year. The stress combined with with the state of my immunity caused me to be sent to various medical officers and clinics to get my blood samples and x-rays to find what was wrong with me, why after being treated and cured my body felt sick. They thought I had tuberculosis, others thought I had STI's but all tests came back negative, and mind you all these tests cost money and my parents weren't happy with what they were spending for me to get this tests. It came to a point when I called my mum to tell her that I feel really sick and I'm stressed with my assignments, only for her to say "you're always sick, everytime we call you're sick. Don't you know we're tired of this, stop trying to get sick!". I'm tired of getting sick too mum, I thought to myself as I got off the call and stared at the pile of medicine Infront of me prescribed by the doctor as well as my heart meds, and they were too much, my mum's words over the phone kept playing in my head I I got my the blade on my study table and pressed it into my left wrist lightly drew it over to cut the skin, the pain felt soothinf, calming even, then I wondered how it would feel if I placed the knife on my study table and fell on it to pierce my heart, would the pain feel good? Would the thoughts stop? Would mum stop complaining? Would they mis me? What would happen to my body? Then I thought better of it and wrote in my dairy ro stop myself from doing ealxactly that then I was distracted by my medicine Infront of me with thoughts of "they would never know if you take all these and overdose, it'll be a painless death." The remainder of third year continued like these, with sickness and suicide thoughts until I went for job internship at a company I've always wanted to work in and life was good because i didnt for home for the holidays and I spent the holidays at school in my little dorm room with friends who looked out for me. Then 2024 rolled around and I'm properly rested, no stress and I'm happy. That's is until a month ago when my parents bought me my ticket to go back home to see them for the holidays that I spiralled, I had completely locked those memories away, but after every phone call this past month I'm left a crying mess with flashes of words said and feelings felt during that time and I go back to thinking of suicide. I nearly commited suicide on the 16th of may, i was truly gonna go throught with it, I wanted to so bad if only I did not see the bible verses in front of me amd if my roommates hadn't come back early. But I know, if I do go home now, I might actually commit suicide, if something like what happened in the past happens again, or if they say another harsh word, I wouldn't think twice of dying, because I'm done, I truly am.

Hi Manifestors!!
Disclaimer: Very Long story/ but I can't wait to change my reality - pls help me out with your valuable suggestions!!
I am a beginner in manifesting and have also been trying Neville Goddard's test to 'manifest 6 things daily'. I have been successful in getting up to 5 on the same day and any remaining manifestations in the coming few days; I am still learning and progressing. I could find myself not manifesting well on some days when I was wavering and not focussed - of course, my fault!!
So here's my story:
I was going through a really tough time in my life; lost my only child to pneumonia, and in a year got divorced from my narcissistic husband who kept spreading stories about me that gave me a very bad reputation among MY relatives, post-divorce. I am sick and tired of explaining and clarifying the cooked-up stories but yes, I have made my mistakes too, which I acknowledge. But he made sure to saturate everyone's mind that I am solely responsible and I am not trustworthy and I am a slut etc. He managed to create a situation that forced me to resign from my job as well. All of this happened in Feb 2024.
I was suddenly jobless, and completely left alone, sent to live away with a distant relative (who was my only support), grounded from the outside world for 3 months. My ONLY access to the outside world was YouTube on TV. That's when I found out about subliminals, LOA, Neville, Tesla, the Secret, etc. I was listening to some subliminals which I believe have had some effect as I could feel the changes in the attitude of the people around me. And now I am back home and have access to my phone and laptop. That's when I started doing more research on the topic and finally ended up with Sammy's Ingram YouTube channel! I could FEEL the shift when I started robotic affirmation. My affirmations were "I am a master manifester, I get all my desired results by listening to subliminal"
In the meantime, I was able to secure a PhD opportunity with the best supervisor I could imagine, in Australia - which was pure luck and a miracle but I know I manifested it by listening to job subliminal and strongly affirming and scripting that I am going to do my PhD (that was my goal before getting married).
My only hurdle now is that I need a suitable scholarship but the Uni gives scholarships only for next year, which means that even if I am successful in getting a scholarship, I will have to wait till January to start my PhD. I cannot wait or stay back till then as I don't want to face any relatives and there would be a hell lot of family functions during this period.
I can always join as a regular PhD student without a scholarship but that would demand a huge sum of money as fees, which I don't have.
Here's what I need to manifest:

1. Secure the best Scholarship with sufficient funding/stipend to help me live independently in Australia.
   
2. Be sufficiently sponsored such that I don't have to ask for monetary help from anyone at home to enroll in my PhD program
   
3. Make my narcissist ex-husband realize his mistakes and regret that he ruined the beautiful relationship by taking me for granted and for never acknowledging my feelings or emotions.
   
4. He remembers the times when I cried and tried to make our relationship work and how I adjusted everything to his interests. He realises how his attitude in turn made me hate him and take revenge on him
   
5. Make my relatives realize how he manipulated them to hate me.
   
6. Make all those who talked bullshit about me confess among themselves. (not to me, I don't want to associate with them anymore)
   
7. I want my cousins who I thought would support me regardless of anything, to realize that they should have confirmed with me before spreading the news ((a few of them already apologized!)).
   
8. I want my ex-husband to come back asking for reconciliation so that I can just reject him - I know that sounds evil but that would make me feel so damn good lol. If I can change my reality to the way I want, then that is what I want! I don't want him but I want him to realise that he lost me because of him.
   

Now the confusion.
I don't have clarity on what I need to focus on at the moment as both the scholarship/financial independence and regaining my reputation are equally important to me at the moment. I have an online meeting scheduled with my PhD guide for the coming Tuesday and I cannot focus on preparing my presentation as the issues related to my divorce keep popping up from unexpected places and just ruin my mood. This wavering started last Sunday when I had to attend a family function where I met all my cousins and relatives and was ignored. However, they started texting me the next day and I've been a mess ever since.
Please please please give me some guidance if you have had or heard any success stories in similar situations. Thank you in advance.

🏅 𝓦𝓲𝓷𝓷𝓮𝓻

Congratulations u/evergreen314 Liam Chamberlin! Your song “Crack Behind The Couch” was voted Best Song Of The Month May 2024.
❤️ Show some love and at https://youtu.be/WbGKy-3oUNE or https://open.spotify.com/track/5k6VZIbeP5D4sLfDSOd2Dh share Liam Chamberlin - Crack Behind The Couch on social media. At his YouTube link you can post a comment of congratulations and give it an upvote.
════ ⋆★⋆ ════
Thank you to everyone who voted. Thank you to all the music creators who shared your art here.
Liam Chamberlin literally puts the art in being a music artist, taking hours painting the vibrant accompanying artwork for his music. Liam told me, “Crack Behind The Couch” is “mostly a reminder to myself to enjoy the little things and live in the moment… the "you" I'm referring to in the chorus is definitely me racing around the house trying to find something I've lost and missing out on the sunshine in the process.”
I just so happened to have a lousy day today. As I write this post, now that I get to focus on music – in particular this song – my happiness is increasing again. I would have kept the bad day to myself and out of this congratulatory message. Yet I want to point out that’s the power of how this well written song gives me self-reflection consequently making me feel better.
The xylophone creates an easy going feeling making the conflict presented in the song seem endurable. Liam Chamberlin’s clever and amusing songwriting also puts a big smile on my face. He has substantial potential. Halle-freaking-lujah!
-The Music Fan Man,
Music Or Lose It founder
════ ⋆★⋆ ════
👏 You have earned the achievement to post on social media and add to your song’s upload description:
🏅 Best Song Of The Month By Community Vote
My song “Crack Behind The Couch” won:
Best Song Of The Month Winner • May 2024
By Community Vote At The Music Or Lose It Community
Liam Chamberlin - Crack Behind The Couch https://youtu.be/WbGKy-3oUNE
════ ⋆★⋆ ════
✅ Liam Chamberlin original post at https://www.reddit.com/musicorloseittv/comments/1cwtm0z/crack_behind_the_couch_liam_chamberlin_original
📝 May 2024 contest rules are available at https://www.reddit.com/musicorloseittv/comments/1cw4le1/contest_rules_for_best_song_of_the_month_updated
🗳️ See the contest vote at https://www.reddit.com/musicorloseittv/comments/1d2tkwm/contest_best_song_of_the_month_finalists_may_2024
END

Hey I'm (29 male) thinking about getting into one of the trades. IE. plumbing, electrical, HVAC and I was wondering if anyone had any advice they would be willing to share? Is it too late for me to get into a trade like this? I feel like I should have started in my early 20s.
I've helped my brother and my friend with some very basic home owner stuff, installing PVC, changing outlets, and even running a light switch into a new breaker. Nothing crazy but I've at least dipped my toes in home owner maintenance. Just watched YouTube videos and looked at posts online until we got it right (hopefully, nothing has broken or caught fire yet).
Currently I work as an IT Help Desk and while I don't mind the work, I dont find it fulfilling and I have been really enjoying helping my brother and friend with their houses ( I currently live with my brother too so I am always involved in the next project. ) I started at around $24 an hour and currently I am making $29 an hour.
How would my current pay compare to a tradesman?
I don't want to put myself in a position where I cannot afford my current standard of living. No kids, no SO. I've seen that apprenticeships start at about $15 an hour, is there another way I could get the required education to avoid that drastic decrease in pay? I could not afford to lose that much hourly wage.
If I did decide to go into a trade what would be some things I should look out for and how would I actually go about starting that education?
I am not sure about the difference between apprenticeship and trade school, is one better than the other for me?
I do have some basic power tools and hand tools (Ryobi and Husky brand). I understand that Ryobi is generally looked down upon by tradesman but its worked for me so far with just normal weekend DIY projects, not sure how well it will hold up for daily use. I assume I would need to upgrade to Milwaukee/Makita/DeWalt eventually but if possible I would like to get the most out of the tools I have now until I HAVE to replace them. Would you think that would be possible?
Sorry for the long post and the many questions but i do seriously want to give this some consideration and see if it is possible even if it will take some time before I am ready to seriously pursue this. I just want to take pride in the work I do and I just dont have that feeling with my current job. Its not that I think I do a bad job but I have just enjoyed working with my hands so much more than what I currently do.

I’m so lost.
We’ve known each other since 2020. Last year, he asked me out for a drink. We entered into a LDR (hour and a half, not lots but for the UK that is a distance). It was really lovely but I will say I didn’t know what I had until it was gone. I was loyal, and there, but I would criticise him occasionally, pick fights for no reason.
He ended it at the start of April and I was BROKEN. I spent hours watching YouTube videos of ‘getting your ex back’, hours on this forum only searching for exs that have come back, hours on manifesting websites about manifesting someone back. I was desperate.
Mid May, I decided to reach out. He had opened up the lines of communication on Instagram two weeks prior, commenting on multiple stories of mine, and even asking things like ‘Nice Friday night! Any other weekend plans?’ I didn’t respond as I was torn.
I didn’t overthink it, just led in bed one night and fired off a message asking how he was. He replied straight back, and we exchanged some messages about what we had been up to. I didn’t mention us or feelings at all. The day after this he sent me a long message that he’d been thinking about me a lot, he missed me. He asked if we could have a phone call. I said yes but I was going back to my families for a few days and I told him when I would be back. Day I arrive back, he messages saying he hopes I’ve had a nice time and can we still have this call? I’m thinking YES, he’s thinking about me, he wants to speak to me a lot.
The call was two hours long but confusing. He misses me, he regrets ending it but the distance and other life commitments he currently has make things hard. He worries the bickering will continue and he hated that. He asks if we can see other or can he call me again. I was unsure as I really wanted the big ‘leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life etc’ and we left it at we would think. The next day I msg and say I loved catching up and he replies and says the same.
I left it a few days and then send him a message a few days back saying I want to give us a go, does he? If not we need to not talk anymore.
He replies saying he knew he was always going to regret leaving me, he misses me terribly but again very wishy washy about the distance and other life commitments (he’s renovating his house so his weekends are doing that whilst the weather is nice)
I say I think that’s my answer. If it’s not a HELL YES it’s a no. He says he’s not explaining himself very well and he would like to give it another go and could he call me Thursday night to sort out a time to see each other. I say of course. Again, I’m thinking YAY!
9pm Thursday night comes, no call. Then a long message… he misses me but he doesn’t think we should talk. The distance and other things is too much and we will go around in circles. He said he is torn but he thinks we now need to unfollow and leave it there. He wishes me all the best for the future?!
I reply and I’m like really… you said less than 24 hours ago you wanted to give it a go! I asked him not to do this and to see me in person.
A few hours later he says okay let’s meet. We’ve planned to see each other next weekend but my anxiety is HIGH. He’s all over the place. Am I leading myself into the lions den? More hurt?
He was a great boyfriend by the way. Insanely caring, more than I’ve ever had before (I’m 33, he 39). It’s why I believe I would start silly arguments. Insecurity and testing him as I’d never felt so wanted. I was usually the one doing the chase in relationships and here he was chasing ME? Falling for me?! Well… that was a novel feeling and I was toxic and cocky with it.