Silly happy birthday poem

My(23F) little sister(21F) started making her own songs after not really doing anything for years and living off my parents money. I’m honestly happy for her she finally found her way in life and is doing something she is passionate about, and I think her songs sound amazing! The thing is, I’m in university studying to become a vet. It’s a lot of hard work and I love it, but I had to put a lot on hold to be able to do it. I have played piano for over 15 years now, and I used to compose my own songs. I also used to write poems often to manage my emotions and I wrote short stories that I posted online, and actually did really well. I haven’t been able to put much time in it for the past few years, but I’m still jamming sometimes and improvising on the piano, and I still plan on publishing a book sometime that I’ve been working on on and off. My sister never played an instrument until 1 year ago, and still mostly sings. She didn’t really write,apart from one time where she wrote a book in an old diary with pictures in it which she did because I had written a book for a competition and she got excited too. That wouldn’t matter at all, if not for the fact that my mom now brags about my sister constantly and how she was always ‘the creative one’ and how it makes sense that she ended up doing this as she was always the one doing creative stuff and writing as a kid. How everyone has different qualities and now she has ‘one creative daughter and one that’s in university’. I know it’s petty of me, but it really rubs me the wrong way. I used to be the one that made songs, wrote stories, poems. I even got to read one in front of the school after it won in a school contest. The fact I’m not doing that right now doesn’t mean that that’s not my hobby, or not something I like to do. My dad even mentioned it to my mom, saying my sister really wasn’t that into music or writing and it was me that did all those things as a kid. She brushed it off and keeps bringing up that one book my sister wrote and her playing music games on the ipad. Again, I honestly am glad she found something she likes doing, but I hate how this is now ‘her’ thing and all the stuff I did is non-existent, except my academic career. She always used to copy me as a kid and wanted to do everything I did, every single sport I was in and hobby I had. My mom found it cute and encouraged her, and it ended up always becoming ‘her’ thing instead of a hobby I or both of us did. It just makes me sad how even as adults, I’m denied of any of my own hobbies just because she does them now. Even now, apart from this I picked up crocheting and my moms first reaction was to teach my sister too, because she also wants to do it now.

Happy 98th birthday Marilyn 🤍

Hi everyone,
I wanted to share my experience and hear your thoughts.
I am a cis (hopefully) woman in her early 30's, lesbian who was a tomboy growing up, until puberty. While growing I was (a bit) made fun of because of my deeper voice and not super girly / feminine features & behaviours (wanting to play football / having male friends). I was couple of times mistaken for a boy which led me to a big distress / anxiety and thinking / deep wish that "i would rather be the most unattractive girl than be mistaken for a boy".
The constant "you are like a boy", "you look like a boy" (also coming from my family in a rather accusatorial manner) left some unpleasant memories but i eventually grew out of them (i thought). Until i was 19 or 20 years old that problem did not really exist for me but then i moved to another country and stared my studies.
I worked in a bar in a queer area and despite that bar not being queer, it was next door to a place which was mostly ran and attended by transgenders (absolutely no phobia here it just to highlight the context of the neighbourhood). Because of that bathe area in general a lot of women including me were a few times (often for fun) misgendered, yet it happened to me way more often than to others. For me it was mostly because of my voice and height and sharper features, for my other female (and i would never question their identity) colleagues, i am not even sure what caused it. This happened so many times that while i denied and repressed that memory it created my social anxiety.
I do want to mention that after my tomboyish phase in childhood i considered my appearance as a regular girl (not super feminine with nails done + hills though:). I enjoy activities related to both genders, i finally feel good in dresses, i like to feel attractive and overall embrace my feminine "energy". While these gender conforming aspects sound silly, i was happy as i struggled with feminity in addition to accepting that i am a lesbian.
I recently realised that most of my life, wherever i would go i would be afraid that someone thinks I'm a man or transgender because of how i look and sound, i would sometimes be afraid to go to the bathrooms, afraid to use my voice as it's too deep. Of course me being misgendered rarely happened (maybe 5-10 times in the last 10 years). Now on top of that when someone addresses me as a girl or miss i immediately feel the "relief" as being misgendered hurt me quite a lot in the past and would hurt immensely if it happened right now. I want to be honest and do say that if i don't put effort into my looks i could look a bit androgynous, which i try to accept and stop wishing for more feminine features as i always did.
How my ocd started?
I was having one of my compulsive episodes and was googling "how can i be more feminine", of course one of the posts that popped up was a transgender forum or a reddit thread, from there it went downhill. From me fearing to be mistaken for a man i started to worry that i actually am a man. It started in november during a rather stressful period with work, went away and now while im having a burnout it came with even stronger strength.
There are moments when i laugh about it but there are also moments of a racing heart and me thinking that im denial, that im not comfortable with my pronouns and even my body. Even though my only fear and worry before was to have more feminine features/aura. I often have a voice in my head saying "you are a man" and that voice looks like it's always on the back of my mind. I try to imagine myself as a guy and seriously cannot, that thought gives me a lot of distress and worry and anxiety but also that maybe im in "denial". I do not even know how to tackle it, because despite my features and voice which weren't really up to me i can't think of one reason why i should be a guy nor i know how one should feel like "a guy". Still the thoughts are very distressing until they pass.
And then on days when i feel good about myself, im not stressed, i dress up for dinner or parties, wear makeup and jewellery and feel attractive i want to laugh at the thoughts that couple of days before seemed so real.
i was wondering if anyone struggled with such a train of thoughts? I am in therapy, was diagnosed with ocd and anxiety before and struggling with worries and fears about so many topics. Because every other topic resolves, my brain jumps to this one because i know that i can never know 100% as it's my inner dialogue, not a problem with a deadline at work or a doctor's appointment that will eventually pass. Lastly, my current therapist said that i do not have ocd (i have not discussed that issue in detail with her because of shame), which made me even more anxious as before i rationalised my thoughts as TOCD.
Thanks:)

***ads play and podcast starts at 1:47
Intro (Timestamp: 1:47) - Rachel: Welcome back to another episode of Rachel Goes Rogue. This is your host, Rachel Savannah Leviss. Today, we are talking about part three of the Vanderpump Rules reunion. - Rachel: It has finally come to an end, season 11. It's been a long time coming, and we're here to react. I have my producers with me, and as usual, they will be asking me some questions to get my perspective on what we just watched during the reunion.
Well, first of all, I want to start off with asking you just your overall thoughts on the reunion, watching it. How do you feel? (Timestamp: 2:19) - Rachel: Overall, I just feel tired at this point. I don't enjoy watching this show, and (Rachel starts to get emotional) I'm just happy that it's over. It was good that they didn't talk about me very much this last episode, part three. - Rachel: That's great, but it's been really difficult watching each week. And I feel like I can finally start to move on from all of this, because it's been really difficult. It was really heavy and sad. - Rachel: And I think everyone on that cast is struggling. And I would be too if I was there. I mean, I'm struggling just watching it from the sidelines, so I can only imagine what it's like being on that stage.
So you're getting really emotional right now. Where is this emotion coming from? (Timestamp: 3:28) - Rachel: It's coming from a place of feeling like I haven't had much room to go. Feeling like stuck between a rock and a hard place, so to speak. Because this entire time, I have been preparing for them to slander my name, to paint me in the worst light. - Rachel: And my goal with this podcast was to be able to represent myself, to defend myself, to share what I've learned through my time that I took away and my recovery, and just to shed more light on the situation. - Rachel: And it hasn't been easy. It's been an extreme rollercoaster of emotions in a lot of different phases, getting sucked back into it, and then feeling like all consumed by all the comments and everything, and then completely cutting off communication with the outside world and living in my own reality in the moment. It's all about that balance, and it has not been easy to move on. - Rachel: I don't think it's been easy for any of the cast to move on rehashing it and talking about it and having other people tune in. It's not typical. It's not normal. And the day has finally come that the show, season 11, is over, and it's a relief to me because I don't have to keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. - Rachel: I don't have to think about what lies they're going to spread about me, and I don't have to think about what I need to defend myself about. And then following week, I feel like I can finally start to live my life again.
And so you're kind of talking about the boundaries that you've been setting by staying away and cutting people off, which obviously boundaries was a really big topic at the reunion. You obviously set some really strong ones by not returning to the show. What's your take on this discussion of boundaries? Do you agree with Lala or do you side more with Ariana when it comes to boundaries when it's in regard to filming the show? (Timestamp: 5:40) - Rachel: I could see both of their points of view. Setting a boundary for yourself is not an easy thing to do. And when other people are upset that you set a boundary for yourself, that's usually a telltale sign that that person is using you in some way and is not happy that you have this new boundary because it's not serving them. - Rachel: So, I can see why Ariana upholded her boundaries by not speaking to Tom, even though she actually did film with Tom this whole season, or for the later part anyway. But she refused to have that conversation with Tom at the end of the show, and I commend her for it because it would have been a fake conversation. You could tell that Tom, his only motive to having that conversation with her is for camera purposes and storyline purposes. - Rachel: Therefore, it's not an authentic conversation. It would have been crocodile tears, the whole thing. And I completely understand Ariana walking away. I walked away too, and people weren't happy about that either. - Rachel: For Lala's point of view, I can understand her perspective in wanting to have a good TV show for her livelihood and the longevity of her career. If you're going to commit to filming, then I can see why Lala is upset, because you are not only committing to filming with this person, I can see her point in that she is living under the same roof as Tom. - Rachel: They're living together, they're filming together, yet in Lala's eyes, Ariana is being stubborn by not filming with Tom, or that one scene. Who even cares about that one scene? I don't know. - Rachel: It's all so silly to me, but boundaries are important. I was in a place where I didn't have boundaries, and I was really trying to appease production and put on a good show. That became my priority season 10.
And where do you think the line needs to be drawn, you know? When at the end of the day, this is a paycheck and this is a job, versus this is someone's real life. You've talked a lot about wanting to live in reality. Where do you think that line should be drawn? (Timestamp: 8:32) - Rachel: I think that's an impossible question to answer when you're filming a reality TV show, because the line is so blurry, it's impossible to know what's real and what's not. And the more I'm out of it, the clearer I can see that. We see it with Tom Sandoval when he talked about production. - Rachel: He did the New York Times article, and he stopped talking mid sentence when a plane flew over or a truck drove by, whatever it was, because the audio, typically when we're filming a show and a plane flies by, you stop talking so that the audio can pick up normally without the distraction in the background. - Rachel: So it's like programmed in your mind to think a certain way, to act a certain way, to talk a certain way, to pursue certain things, where it becomes a part of your patterning. We also see the lines get blurred with Scheana and the comment section, and what is real life and what is not, what is her own true motivation for doing certain things, and what is influenced by outside commentary. - Rachel: That gets so blurry, and when you're all consumed in the perception of yourself, how can you really be sure that you're operating from a place of an inner knowing? That's a boundary that's blurred. With Lala, she clearly prioritizes the success of the show because she wants to secure her paycheck, and when people are setting boundaries for themselves and it's conflicting with what she wants and what is successful in her eyes, that sparks an anger within her. - Rachel: And it's all fabricated to a certain point because the bottom line is this show. So, I think it truly is impossible to live a real life and be on a reality TV show.
So, do you think it's fair for Lala to direct that anger towards Ariana? Or do you think she should be directing it more towards the show? (Timestamp: 11:12) - Rachel: Oh, no, not at all. I don't think that it's fair that Lala is directing that anger towards Ariana because Ariana has been very clear with her boundaries since the very beginning and…
I guess if she's feeling this way, do you think maybe she should have upheld her boundaries more if she was feeling so resentful towards someone doing the same? Do you think she's feeling like she regrets things that she had said in the past? (Timestamp: 11:35) - Rachel: I think she did uphold her boundaries. I think that she feels like she hasn't been supported the same way that Ariana is being supported. And it's probably not a good feeling, but she maneuvered differently than Ariana has. And Lala doesn't extend the same empathy towards others. So it's harder to support her, I believe.
She does make a point to say, many times, that she feels like things are not being honest on camera. She points out Tom and Ariana’s relationship being one of those things. Katie has a flashback moment where she also calls it out. Do you agree that things are not always honest on camera? (Timestamp: 12:12) - Rachel: Totally. Yeah. I think the point that Lala is making is that Tom and Ariana haven't been honest about their relationship on camera. - Rachel: And I think people are getting caught up in Lala being hypocritical because she wasn't honest about her relationship with Randall. Okay, yes, that might be true. But the point is that Tom and Ariana haven't been good for quite some time. - Rachel: And their relationship that was portrayed on camera for fans to see was not an accurate representation of their relationship. I see the frustration because I agree with that too.
Even on your part, how does it affect you as someone on the show when people aren't fully honest on camera? How does that affect the rest of the cast? (Timestamp: 13:21) - Rachel: Yeah, it affects everyone when people aren't fully honest on the show. I mean, I wasn't fully honest the season 10 reunion. I was still covering up for Tom Schwartz. - Rachel: I was still covering up for Tom Sandoval. I was still going along with that narrative, and it would have been much better to just be open and honest about it. But of course, Tom was like, no, that wouldn't be good for business. - Rachel: It wouldn't be good for Schwartz and Sandys if people knew that the Schwartz kiss wasn't authentic and we need that to seem real. So it does affect everyone when you're not being honest, because it portrays a certain picture that isn't reality, and the whole point of reality TV supposedly is to be real, following these real people's lives. - Rachel: So honesty would be like the most important value characteristic you would think that everyone on this show should have. But it seems like nobody does.
Well, speaking of honesty, Ariana kind of called out Tom and his motives behind wanting to apologize on camera. He finally does get that moment during the reunion to apologize to Ariana. He has some words when he does, he calls the affair something he regrets every day. He says that he wears it like a badge of shame. On your end, how did that feel watching that? (Timestamp: 14:46) - Rachel: It's hard to tell if Tom is being honest or not. Even in the Secrets Revealed episode, when he was asked how many girls he had sex with since me, and he had to pause and think about if he was going to be honest or not, he's just been caught in so many lies that it's hard to tell if he's being truthful. - Rachel: But hearing Tom say that he regrets getting involved with me every single day, I regret it too, so it is a little bit painful, but it's also like maybe something is registering for him. - Rachel: I don't know. But then again, his actions speak a lot louder than his words. He knows what words to say, and then it seems that he fails to follow through with meaningful action. And that's where true amends come into play.
There was just, I feel like, a lot of pain in the room all around. You kind of acknowledged that at the beginning of this episode. What do you think that this pain, and even Lala saying that she was okay seeing some of those friendships end, what do you think that means for the future of this group? (Timestamp: 16:07) - Rachel: I don't see much of the future for this group. It looks pretty shattered. It looks like these friendships are not healthy friendships. - Rachel: The dynamic between Lala and Scheana is not a healthy dynamic. It seems to be like a power imbalance. It seems like Scheana is trying to appease Lala to make sure she's secure, and she's getting certain needs met in that friendship because Ariana hasn't been around for Scheana the way that she's used to. - Rachel: Yeah, you could tell that Scheana’s struggling with coping with that. It seems like Lala's really on a wavelength of not effing with anybody on the cast right now. It seems like her friendship with Katie isn't strong because Katie's gotten really close with Ariana. - Rachel: It seems like even her friendship with Scheana is a little rocky. I think she sees Scheana as someone that's not...How do I want to say this? - Rachel: And I hate saying this word, because I don't want to like categorize somebody as something, especially because I've been called this before too. But I think seeing how Lala reacted to everything and how Scheana was trying to be the fixer and appease Lala, and it just didn't seem like enough for Lala. I think Lala sees Scheana as someone who is weak, perceived weakness. - Rachel: I'm not saying that Scheana is weak. And I think that there's a lot of alliances and manipulation happening, and none of that is healthy for our friendship dynamic. I can see why the show is taking a hiatus, because it just seems so fractured
Well, it definitely seems like at the very end of the episode, Scheana was very sure to get that last word in. I felt like she was looking directly at Lala and almost begging for her to hear her out that she was on her side. And it really did seem like the very end, Scheana had to choose. Is she Team Ariana or Team Lala? Do you think she made the right choice? Do you think she needed to make a choice, or do you think that she's putting this pressure on herself? (Timestamp: 18:21) - Rachel: Ooh, that's a good question. I think she feels a lot of pressure from the outside perspective, and she doesn't want to, obviously, like burn bridges with Ariana or anything. And I think Ariana has been very gracious towards Scheana. Do I think that she needed to choose sides? I don't think so. I don't know. - Rachel: I can see Lala's frustration probably because I'm sure Sheena and Lala have had conversations about the whole situation. And without Ariana there, I'm sure Sheena's singing a much different tune than what we're hearing at the reunion, and that's sparking some frustration in Lala. And I'm sure that was a similar feeling when she called out Katie about it too. - Rachel: So yeah, I think that Lala feels pretty isolated, I want to say, in her feelings. And now that it's aired, and I did check Reddit for the first time in a very, very long time, it seems like the majority of people are hating on Lala right now. I'm human. - Rachel: I do hold some resentment towards Lala for the way that she's treated me over the years. I do empathize with her a little bit because all the hate online is just a little bit ridiculous. And I think also people are afraid to speak a differing opinion than the team Ariana side because people are just ruthless online and they don't want to hear a differing opinion. - Rachel: And if you do, then you get shunned out, too. It's very, my therapist calls it tribal shaming, where if you're not following the rules of the tribe, spoken or unspoken, then you're cast out and you're shunned.
***ads play and podcast resumes at 23:24
I mean, it does feel like the fans have had more of an impact on this season than ever. Would you agree with that? (Timestamp: 23:24) - Rachel: Yeah, especially because as they were filming this show, the fans were boots on the ground. We're going to production, we're going to filming, and we're going to take photos and document what we saw and all that stuff. Like it was very interactive in a way. - Rachel: I think with after show this year, it was a little bit different because some things have changed since the ending of filming last summer. One of the things was me starting my own podcast and speaking freely about my experience and my opinion and the after show gave the cast an opportunity to rebut what I was saying and it provided more of a context. - Rachel: And I think with more time passing from the end of filming last summer to, you know, early January, February of this year, when they filmed the after shows, cast dynamics shifted because as we all know, now watching the finale, Lala and Ariana did not end on a good note whatsoever. - Rachel: And so, you know, she had some choice of words to say during the after shows. And it seemed like she really got Sheena to support her with that.
Speaking about the fracturing of this cast, something about her did recently open. Not many cast members were in attendance to this opening. What's your take on that? (Timestamp: 24:56) - Rachel: Interesting. Do you know who went? - iHeart Lady: I know Schwartz went - Rachel: It seems a little telling that maybe Sheena and Lala aren't on the best terms with Ariana right now, because they went to like the Broadway opening that Ariana did for Chicago. And they also went to Dancing with the Stars. But this is all before they knew that she didn't watch the show. And so that was all before the reunion and everything. So yeah, it seems like maybe they're not on the best of terms right now.
What are your thoughts on production holding the last five minutes until the reunion to show to everyone? (Timestamp: 25:47) - Rachel: I wonder if they got word that Ariana wasn't watching the season. And they did that as a way to ensure that they would get a reaction from her, kind of like forcing her hand a little bit, forcing her into a situation that she did not want to be in. It was very strategic in that way. And it was something new. Like, we've never done that before. It was creative, for sure, on production's part.
Do you think it was fair to Ariana? (Timestamp: 26:27) - Rachel: There's a commitment, and part of that is watching the show and having an opinion on what's happening besides your own story that you're sharing. So in a way, it's like ensuring that Ariana did have an opinion on it. So very eye opening, to say the least.
I want your take on Tom's final words. He says, I love it. It's good for me. A lot of people in the room were very shocked by that. Tom even has a reaction to it, where he shakes his head no. They didn't even really press him on what he meant by that either. What's your take on all of that? (Timestamp: 26:49) - Rachel: I wish they pressed him on what he meant by that a little bit more. And Ariana was pretty much the only person that called him out on it too. She caught it. - Rachel: She was like, that exactly proves my point, that you are doing things for the audience, for the production value, and for his own story purposes. I guess in Tom's eyes, having Ariana refuse to film and walk off was good for him because he felt like he completed his job and fulfilled his duty with what production was asking from him. And Ariana was not. - Rachel: And I think selfishly, he probably thought that it would give him a better chance of having more of a redemption story. - Rachel: Because, ultimately, production is the one picking and choosing what they're going to share on the show and edit and put certain music behind certain scenes to make it seem even more of a certain way. Tom knows how to play into that. But I would have loved to hear what his explanation for that comment would be.
Why do you think they didn't press him? (Timestamp: 28:34) - Rachel: I think that they're protecting him, like they always have been.
We did see something interesting at the very end with Lisa stepping up and taking Ariana's side, which is kind of a different tune. You've talked about this before, where she seems to protect the guys a lot of the time, but then she changes her tune at the very end of the episode and takes Ariana's side. What are your thoughts on that? (Timestamp: 28:39) - Rachel: I think Lisa is very strategic with what she puts out there as well. And she knows what people are saying about her, with her always supporting the guys. So that could have been a motivation behind her changing her tune and supporting Ariana in that way. Yeah, I don't know. It's hard because I think also Lisa is very aware of who the fan favorites are. It's her show. - Rachel: She's an executive producer on this show. So she's not a dummy when it's coming to that. I think it helps her if she is supporting Ariana because she'll praise Ariana for walking away and end up holding her boundaries. - Rachel: But then when it comes to me, I don't even remember what she said about me. But when it comes to me walking away and setting a boundary for myself, I've been told that I'm a coward and I'm running away from my problems. - Rachel: So that part for me gets a little frustrating because it's like, and also the fans praising Ariana for upholding her boundaries and walking away and supporting her and telling her like, you know, she's outgrown this show. - Rachel: She should move on and do something even better with her life. And she's finding out now that these aren't her true friends and like good for her for upholding her boundaries and walking away from this situation. And I've done the same thing and it has been met with scrutiny.
Lala compares her situation with Randall to Ariana a lot throughout this reunion. Do you think the two are similar at all? (Timestamp: 30:37) - Rachel: I don't think that the relationship that Lala had with Randall is comparable to the situation that Tom and Ariana were in. It's hard to get on Lala's side with some of the things that she's saying, because the way that she spoke about her relationship with Randall is like bragging about doing BJs for PJs and getting gifted a Range Rover very early in their relationship and not being honest about who she was seeing and the situation that was happening basically. And it just seemed like she was in it for the money and like to secure her success and fame. - Rachel: So it's hard to get behind that, especially when she's been so outright about it. Unfortunately, Randall wasn't the stand up guy that she was selling him to be. We weren't buying it. - Rachel: In Ariana's case, viewers got to see that relationship develop over the years, whereas with Lala's, he wasn't around, like it was secret for a while. And, you know, it's harder to develop feelings towards a person or a relationship when you're not seeing it play out on camera. I think Lala has a lot of anger, maybe even towards herself, for the situation that she allowed herself to be in. And I think she might be taking that out on Ariana.
How hard is it to be really honest when you're in this position? And do you think certain cast members have an easier time doing this? (Timestamp: 32:22) - Rachel: So this is like where your own values come in. Like, are you an honest person or are you not? Because there are people in this cast that are not, and we know who they are, and they have no problem lying, and it doesn't bother them when they lie. - Rachel: And for me, I'm working towards living a more authentic, honest life. And part of that is being honest with my emotions, thoughts, and feelings, and expressing that, and doing that in a way that is still respectful, because I'm not trying to hurt people in the process. And I am trying to express myself honestly and be true to myself. - Rachel: So I think it just depends on who you're asking. I mean, it's definitely not easy. It's definitely hard because you're on this platform, this public arena where you're opening yourself up to scrutiny. - Rachel: And if other people have differing opinions than you do, or if your opinion is the minority, you're basically going to be harassed and scrutinized. And so sometimes for people, it's easier to not be fully honest with their thoughts and feelings in order to save face or in order to go with more popular opinion because it's perceived to be safer that way. But I don't know. - Rachel: At this point, it's like your words aren't going to hurt me. You can say whatever you want to say about me online, and I've survived this far. So whatever else you say about me is not going to affect me any more than it already has. - Rachel: I've developed thick skin through this process, and I've come to the point where I value my friendships that are real in the sense of I interact with these people in real life. I care more about people's perception of me when they actually meet me and interact with me and the vibes I give off that way. So you get to a certain point where it's almost your duty to show up for yourself and be honest with how you feel and how you think about a certain thing in that moment. - Rachel: And your opinions can change with time too and with more information. It's not like I'm going to say this one thing and I'm always going to feel this way. It's always changing, it's always developing, we're always getting more information, and we're always experiencing new things that change our perspective on life. - Rachel: So it's just your duty to represent yourself in the most authentic way so that your people will find you.
***ads play and podcast resumes at 38:08
Well, I think there was one kind of shining moment, I'll say, even though it was a really emotional moment. But the moment between, and this is a little bit of a pivot, but the moment between Schwartz and Katie, I found really interesting, where Andy was asking about their relationship. It seemed like this season, they had a little bit more of a playful dynamic. But Schwartz gets really emotional, saying that he doesn't regret how their relationship ended. But you can kind of see in his eyes that he tears well up. He gets really emotional. What did you make of that moment? (Timestamp: 38:08) - Rachel: We don't think we've really seen a moment like that between Tom, Schwartz, and Katie. It really seems like they've come to terms with how the relationship ended, and that it was for the best. But it seemed like there was a lot of fond memories and just appreciation for one another, that I don't think I've really seen that dynamic between them before. - iHeart Lady: To me, it seemed like in a season where there was a lot of hurt, that seemed like the one moment of maybe seeing two people that are going through the process of healing. - Rachel: Viewing that, it did seem like they were both coming from a place of healing, because they weren't throwing insults at each other or trying to bring each other down. It was very respecting one another and appreciating the moments that they did have together while it lasted. And that's refreshing to see on this show.
Lala said something at the very end where she said it was really hard for her to show up to season nine reunion, I believe it was. You know, she didn't want to talk about certain things, but she showed up. Ariana said the same thing where she could say the same about the season 10 reunion. She didn't want to be there. You could probably say the same thing about the season 10 reunion. You didn't want to be there as well. Is it fair to say everyone's been in a position where they didn't want to be somewhere, but they did anyway? (Timestamp: 39:44) - Rachel: 100%. Yeah, totally. And that's like the part of committing to this show. It's a commitment. And even though you don't quite know what you're signing up for, you know that it's not going to be necessarily easy. And there's a challenge in that. - Rachel: And I think, just speaking for myself, there was an opportunity for growth for me in that. Yeah, I think we've all been in a situation where we didn't want to show up for something and felt, I don't think obligated is the right word, but we made a commitment to being there, and we followed through with our commitment. And it's hard.
You started this episode off by acknowledging that there was a lot of healing that this cast needs to do. As someone who has taken a step back from filming, you've had this time to kind of come back to your own reality. What can this cast expect when you have that moment to kind of breathe and have that separation and you rejoin reality for a minute? (Timestamp: 41:07) - Rachel: Oh, okay. That is a loaded question. Because I think that there's a little bit of fear with not being the current topic of conversation. - Rachel: I think addiction is the wrong word, but there's a little bit of the dopamine hits that you get when you're being talked about on a reality TV show and the fear of that going away permanently could be a scary thing. But taking time off and re-centering with yourself, I think is like the best thing for this cast right now, because we don't want to be forced into situations that we don't want to be in. That's not living an authentic life. - Rachel: I mean, I've been worrying about scenes and storylines, and I haven't even been a part of this show, but now it feels good not to worry about that. And I do have to say, just like reading all the comments on Reddit right now, it's like hardly anybody is talking about me, which is a great feeling. It's just so much more freeing when you're not living your life for somebody else's entertainment anymore. - Rachel: It just feels like you get your life back a little bit. It's so complex, and I think it's hard to understand if you haven't been through being on a TV show for millions of people to comment on and judge your life. I don't think humans are meant for that, and there's no way that that's healthy. - Rachel: Yeah, I said that I think the cast, we have a lot of healing to do. We, as in, I still do too, and part of that is coming back to reality. And I really don't think that we've had a minute this whole season. I think it's going to be good for everyone.
Has this year though felt different to you? I feel like you're like half in, half out (Timestamp: 43:42) - Rachel: Oh, yeah, it's felt so different. But I think like a large part of that has to do with going to the meadows and really reconnecting with myself and learning about my issues and how it was showing up for me and really coming to terms with like, what is this piece of external validation and how is that motivating me? And is it even real? - Rachel: And just like really re centering back into myself and gaining a lot more perspective with that. Without the meadows, I would not be where I am right now. There's no freaking way. So it is. I'm living a new life. I really am. - Rachel: And I feel like I haven't really been able to truly have the opportunity to live my new life to the fullest because this show has been holding me back. And I know that that's partially my fault too because I'm indulging and speaking about it, but I'm really looking forward to the days when I can truly move forward and evolve into something even more magnificent.
Outro (Timestamp: 45:02) - Rachel: Thank you so much for listening to Rachel Goes Rogue. Follow us on Instagram and TikTok for exclusive video content at Rachel Goes Rogue Podcast.
***end

Ang hirap mag-invite pag nasa adulting stage ka na. Hahahaha nakakasad lang ksi ininvite ko mga friends ko a week before my birthday. Tapos ngayon yung makakapunta isa lang sa mga friend ko. Ngayon na nga lang ako nag invite sa buong 23 years ng buhay ko tapos wala man lang nag abala pumunta huhuhu. Buti na lang andito mga family ko nag dinner na lang kami. Next year gagala na lang ulit ako mas okay wala pang expectations 😭 anyways, happy birthday self!

Ok first of all, I didn't have the crush for the whole 7 years. I lost hope in between but got back hope two years ago when he showed interest.
Long story short, we basically meet once in multiple years. We are friends through families and meet only when our families have a get together. I guess I liked him from my childhood itself without realising. We were sort of rivals and I loved bickering with him. I was excited to meet him but started bickering right afyer meeting him (this was when I was a kid. But I always knew we were not actually bothering each other instead liking the bickering)
The crush itself started in a dream which is silly. Got the dream in 8th standard and talked to him on WhatsApp for a while. Gave up after growing up a bit into academics that it is silly. (But still sort of always thought about him for a long time.) Went to a good college. Got a guy who didn't value me at all. Sadly I was attracted to this guy. So it continued on and off while I was getting hurt and he only contacted me while he was "lonely"(18+) (thanks to COVID the story with this guy ended before physically meeting him)
I met my crush (no more crush at the time but soon to become) summer after my sophomore year.(Two years ago, ) Before meeting him, I thought it was all long past and I wouldn't feel a thing. Especially since I actually haven't met him after I developed the crush for 5 years and I was just a girl back then with just some infatuation. But boy I was wrong.
Immediately after talking to him, I didn't consciously feel it but I started acting flirty. Then he started too. The chemistry was so strong everyone in our both families could see it. We both knew there was something there. We were still bickering though like we did when we were children. But this time we were openly enjoying it.
He sneakily took me out when he was told to go out to get cake (it was an event, a birthday of my cousin and his family friend). Our way of setting passwords was same and he constantly kept enquiring if I had a boyfriend (to which sadly I didn't answer properly because of the on and off thingy even though at that point it was off and clear that the college guy was not going to a relationship) So that's the sad thing about us. One more sadder and more influencing thing. We don't meet anymore. It had been two years and desperately yearn to meet him and have one more interaction.
That aside, idk he kinda acts uninterested when I text him.(I might be overthinking this part since idk how to act when I actually like someone and idk how a guy acts either) But he said himself that he is interested to talk when he texted me and asked me to text him. But I feel underconfident in texting him
Last he showed interest was about 3 months ago. I tried to text him two times after that in which both he didn't talk back much.
It is possible he might be feeling under confident as I am academically strong and he had dropped out of a college and was depressed for 2 years and recently is going back to college from past one year.
It is also very much to be considered that currently we are in two opposite ends of the world and can't meet for God knows how many years. I am wishing to go the country he is in but my college of choice most probably won't be in the area he's studying in. It's also a costly country so...
I miss him dearly and want to talk to him. but I have for one no idea how to proceed (for God sake idk how I used to talk very confidently when I was in middle school) and how to proceed with the feelings
Idk if he's still feeling the same and no way to verify if he's not a Playboy or something. He might as well have a girlfriend considering he has such a huge friend group including girls. God I feel so stupid.

Hey there, I need some advice on whether it's appropriate or just absurd to send a birthday letter and a small gift to my ex-girlfriend. Our situation is a bit complicated, so here's some background:
My ex and I had a relationship that spanned two significant periods. We met, got together, separated (without discussing it at all; we just drifted apart), and then almost a year later, we got back together. We broke up for the second time about three months ago.

• In our first relationship, we had significant lack of communication. I was very avoidant and stressed, which made me distant even though I wanted to be with her and truly loved her. She tried to connect with me, but I just couldn't reciprocate. After our first breakup, I realized what went wrong and started to work on myself, digging deep into my issues and aiming for personal growth. She unknowingly pushed me towards this self-improvement journey.
• We rekindled our relationship around six months ago. This time, I was the one trying to connect, but she had been through a lot in the past year, including a traumatic event, which I won't go into detail about. She wanted the relationship mentally but was emotionally too hurt and tired to commit fully. She has a lot on her plate: a full-time job, started her Bachelor’s studies, and has issues at home with her parents. After two months, she chose not to continue the relationship, feeling it wasn’t fair to me as she couldn’t be fully present, although she saw that I was willing to stay, fight for us, be patient with her, and sit in the mud with her.
• During our breakup talk, I gave her a therapeutic gift so she can draw in her alone time or whenever she likes (she loves to draw but didn’t have many opportunities to do so in the past year). We ended things positively, holding hands while walking around the park and saying "see you later" instead of a formal goodbye.
• I've been focusing on personal growth since then and am not looking to get back together. I genuinely see it as better for her to have the time to heal and get stronger. I wish her all the best because she deserves to be happy.

Her birthday is coming up, and I want to send her a short positive WhatsApp message to congratulate her and say that I've left her something small in her mailbox, hoping it will bring a smile to her face. The gift I want to make it handmade, along with a letter expressing my congratulations and appreciation.
My Conflict: I don't want to overstep any boundaries or make her feel uncomfortable. My wish is simply to make her something special. I aim to respect her space while showing this kind gesture. However, I worry about the potential of triggering negative emotions or discomfort.
So, the question is: Should I go ahead with this, or would it be better to keep my distance and let her celebrate without any of my input?
Any advice or similar experiences would be greatly appreciated.
P.S.: I'm ready for any feedback, and if I seem like I was or am a jerk, believe me, I have heard it all from myself. I really don't like the version of myself from the past year and there is really no excuse for my actions and the way I neglected her and our relationship. I also see things I still need to improve.
TL;DR: Ex-girlfriend's birthday is coming up. We broke up three months ago after a complicated relationship. I want to deliver her a handmade gift and letter but worry it might be inappropriate or make her uncomfortable. Should I go ahead or keep my distance and just send a normal message not too long and not too short?
Thank you in advance!!

Hi everyone,
I wanted to share my experience and how sometimes it resolves while like now it stays for a while.
I am a cis (hopefully) woman in her early 30's, lesbian who was a tomboy growing up, until puberty. While growing I was (a bit) made fun of because of my deeper voice and not super girly / feminine features & behaviours (wanting to play football / having male friends). I was couple of times mistaken for a boy which led me to a big distress / anxiety and thinking / deep wish that "i would rather be the most unattractive girl than be mistaken for a boy".
The constant "you are like a boy", "you look like a boy" (also coming from my family in a rather accusatorial manner) left some unpleasant memories but i eventually grew out of them (i thought). Until i was 19 or 20 years old that problem did not really exist for me but then i moved to another country and stared my studies.
I worked in a bar in a queer area and despite that bar not being queer, it was next door to a place which was mostly ran and attended by transgenders (absolutely no phobia here it just to highlight the context of the neighbourhood). Because of that bathe area in general a lot of women including me were a few times (often for fun) misgendered yet it happened to me way more often than to others. For me it was mostly because of my voice and height and sharper features, for my other female (and i would never question their identity) colleagues, i am not even sure what caused it. This happened so many times that while i denied and repressed that memory it created my social anxiety.
I do want to mention that after my tomboyish phase in childhood i considered my appearance as a regular girl (not super feminine with nails done + hills though:). I enjoy activities related to both genders, i finally feel good in dresses, i like to feel attractive and overall embrace my feminine "energy". While these gender conforming aspects sound silly, i was happy as i struggled with feminity in addition to accepting that i am a lesbian.
I recently realised that most of my life, wherever i would go i would be afraid that someone thinks I'm a man or transgender because of how i look and sound, i would sometimes be afraid to go to the bathrooms, afraid to use my voice as it's too deep. Of course me being misgendered rarely happened (maybe 5-10 times in the last 10 years). Now on top of that when someone addresses me as a girl or miss i immediately feel the "relief" as being misgendered hurt me quite a lot in the past and would hurt immensely if it happened right now. I want to be honest and do say that if i don't put effort into my looks i could look a bit androgynous, which i try to accept.
How my ocd started?
I was having one of my compulsive episodes and was googling "how can i be more feminine", of course one of the posts that popped up was a transgender forum or a reddit thread, from there it went downhill. From me fearing to be mistaken for a man i started to worry that i actually am a man. It started in november during a rather stressful period with work, went away and now while im having a burnout it came with even stronger strength.
There are moments when i laugh about it but there are also moments of a racing heart and me thinking that im denial, that im not comfortable with my pronouns even my body. Even though my only fear and worry before was to have more feminine features/aura. I often have a voice in my head saying "you are a man" and that voice looks like it's always on the back of my mind. I try to imagine myself as a guy and seriously cannot, that thought gives me a lot of distress and worry and anxiety but also that maybe im in "denial". I do not even know how to tackle it, because despite my features and voice which weren't really up to me i can't think of one reason why i should be a guy nor i know how one should feel like "a guy". Still the thoughts are very distressing until they pass.
And then on days when i feel good about myself, im not stressed, i dress up for dinner or parties, wear makeup and jewellery and feel attractive i want to laugh at the thoughts that couple of days before seemed so real.
i was wondering if anyone struggled with such a train of thoughts? I am in therapy, was diagnosed with ocd and anxiety before and struggling with worries and fears about so many topics. Because every other topic resolves, my brain jumps to this one because i know that i can never know 100% as it's my inner dialogue, not a problem with a deadline at work or a doctor's appointment. Lastly, my current therapist said that i do not have ocd (i have not discussed that issue in detail with her because of shame), which made me even more anxious as before i rationalised my thoughts as TOCD.
Thanks:)

Hello. As you can tell by the title I found out something that I thought was interesting and thought that I could share it with you all. It's obviously Technoblade's birthday on June 1 and I wanted to write Happy Birthday to the Legend himself Technoblade. Technoblade will always be Remembered, Honored, and Loved. Here's the interesting part that I found out. So Markus Alexej Persson AKA Notch was also born on June 1. When I realized that I was really surprised and shocked to find out that Technoblade and Notch are birthday buddies. If Technoblade was still alive I just wonder how he would have reacted knowing that Notch is his birthday buddy. I am also wondering how Notch would react knowing that Technoblade is his birthday buddy. I mean Notch is known for creating the video game Minecraft and Technoblade is known for playing Minecraft as a Legend. That is just so amazing, interesting, unique, meaningful, and fascinating to learn about.
Always Remember, Honor, and Love Technoblade as a Legendary man! Always Appreciate, Love, and Support Technoblade's family and friends!