How to gratefully decline job offer

I (26F) feel paralyzed with anxiety and regret right now. Last fall, I applied to several graduate programs. I was offered a fellowship that pays for a part-time program at a well respected school. The terms of the fellowship require that I stay in my current job while completing the program, and work in my current position for a year after graduating. I feel very grateful to have received this offer, but after accepting I am filled with regret and panic.
After thinking about it nonstop for the last 2 months and speaking with a therapist, I don’t think I want to go through with the program for a number of different reasons. However, I have signed the letter of commitment, told everyone in my life that I am doing the program, and told all of my coworkers that I'm doing the program. We are supposed to have orientation for the program on Monday and there is a media release for the fellowship on Tuesday. I have registered for classes that are supposed to begin on Monday.
It feels like it would be the complete end of the world if I were to back out now. After double checking the class drop policies, I know that I can get out now without any financial penalty (if I were to continue with the program and drop out I would owe back the amount I’ve paid in tuition). However, I would be upsetting the fellowship staff, confusing my family who all think that I’m doing the program, and humiliated at the idea of telling all of my coworkers, friends, and family that I've decided to back out. I don’t know how to move forward and feel paralyzed by the anxiety.
Have you ever had to make a decision that felt right for you but that upset a lot of people? How do you deal with people not understanding and judging the decisions you make? I feel trapped and overwhelmed about moving forward.

Hey everyone! I was pleased by the overwhelming interest I got in my collection, as someone who has a passion for building soil and hunting beans for unique phenos the last 15 years. I am glad how many people appreciate true one of kind heirloom genetics!
Why am I getting rid of them? Simply put - I am trying to go the legit route and this state is making it beyond difficult. I need to recoup and regroup. Any support is much appreciated. I’ve waited my whole life for this.
Pricing - I updated below. Much of my collection is very hard to find one of kind stuff that is highly sought after. No random pollen chucking, true bred stabilized genomes. There’s a lot of history in that list as well if you’re someone who understands the genomics of the plant. You’ll see breeder, where they’re out of, the strain name, the cross and a little bit of history / description on some of it. Some very very special stuff. Pricing is either what I paid for it or a little more if it’s something special that’s not easy to find or not being bred anymore.
*Each strain is in original packaging stored in a curidor at a steady 52 degrees, no light, no humidity. I find this is the best way to store beans for long term storage and guaranteed high germination rates. I usually get 97-100% germ rate with my germination method which I will include on a printed out sheet for anyone who grabs any of my offerings. I want you to succeed and find something special - I cherish my collection and sad to see a lot of it go but you gotta do what you gotta do. I’d really like to see this stuff go to growers who care about the plant and preserving the uniqueness to it for years to come. Hope all of this helps
Here is the full list:
coasttocoastgenetics@gmail.com (get in touch with us) coasttocoastgenetics.com (coming soon)
{Regs}

~ Oni Seed Co (Maine) ~ 

Tropicanna Cookies F2 - Girl Scout Cookies x Tangie (multiple award winner) [R] 250 ~ Elev8 Seeds (Seattle, Washington) Tangerine Cookies - Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies x Tangie [R] 120

~ Mountain Organics ~ 

Cosmic Lotus - Gonzo x TOVR (Thai, Afghan, Haze, Northern Lights) [R] 120 Maya - Acapulco Gold x Lotus [R] 120 Gold Rush - Colombian Gold x Lotus [R] 120 The One BC1 - 1976 Highland Thai x 1971 Kandahar Afghani [R] {Clackamus Coot} 150 {See Mountain Organics Genetics PDF (now MOB seeds) for more info on genetic lineages.} ~ MOB seeds (Mountain Organics) ~ Psyche - The One BC1 x The One BC1 (Afghani Hybrid) [R] 120 Eros - The One BC1 x The One BC1 (Thai Hybrid) [R] 120 The One BC2 - The One x The One BC1 [R] 120 Morpho (Blue Lotus F2) - Blue Gonzo x Lotus [R] 120 Blue Gonzo BC1 - Blue Gonzo x Blue Lotus [R] 120 {Blue Gonzo - The One x (Nevilles Haze x NL5) (blue pheno)}

~ Symbiotic Genetics / The Village (Sacramento, California) ~ 

Mimosa - Clementine x Purple Punch F2 [R] (multiple award winner) 200 Banana Punch - Banana OG x Purple Punch F2 [R] 200 Cherry Punch - Cherry AK47 x Purple Punch F2 [R] 200 Wedding Crashers - Wedding Cake x Purple Punch F2 [R] 200 Orangeade - Tangie x Purple Punch F2 [R] 200 Big Block - Motorbreath 15 x Purple Punch F2 [R] 200 {Purple Punch lineage - Larry OG x Granddaddy Purple}

~ Exotic Genetix - EG Mike (Washington) ~ 

{Over 50x Cannabis Cup Awards since 2008} Tina F2 - (Tina x Tina) Constantine x Triple OG [R] (multiple award winner) 200 Paradise Circus - Tropicanna Cookies x Tina [R] 200 Cookies & Creme - Mystery Cookies x Starfighter F2 [R] (multiple award winner) 250 Big Smooth - OG Blueberry x Cookies & Creme [R] 200 Scoops - (Gelato x Tina) x Cookies & Creme F2 [R] 200 Strawberries & Creme F2 - Strawberry x Cookies & Creme F2 [R] 250

~ Dying Breed Seeds - Shiloh Massive (Mendocino, California) ~ 

California Black Rozé - Rozé x OG eddy [R] 350 Red Rozé - Rozé x Adonai [R] 350 Sour Zkittlez - Zkittlez x Candy Zkittlez #3 x Adonai [R] 400 Watermelon Zkittlez - Watermelon Zum Zum #3 x OG Eddy [R] 400 {Zkittlez - Grape Ape x Grapefruit} {Adonai - (Russian Kush (LA Cut) x Silver Tooth (Super Silver Haze x Train Wreck)) x Sweet Tooth}

~ Humboldt Seed Company (Humboldt County, California) ~ 

Blueberry Muffin F5 - Purple Panty Dropper x Razzle Berry [R] 100 Purple Mountain Majesty F3 - Purple Train Wreck x Train Wreck x Blueberry Muffin [R] 100 Amethyst F3 - Purple Panty Dropper x Blueberry Muffin [R] 100 Mango Sherbert F3 - Mango Trees x Mango Kush x Sherbert [R] 100 {2018/2019 HSC Phenotype mega hunt - Best 0.1% selected out of 10k plants} Mango Trees F5 - Mango Kush x Humboldt OG x Jack Herer [R] 100 Banana Mango F3 - Mango Trees x Banana OG x Blueberry Muffin [R] 100 Magic Melon F3 - Mango Trees x Honeydew Melon x Mango Sherbert [R] 100 Pineapple Upside Down Cake F3 - PUDC BX3 x Pineapple Train Wreck x Cookie Monster [R] 100 {2019/2020 HSC Phenotype mega hunt - Best 0.1% selected out of 10k plants} Very Cherry - Old Timer Seed x Lemon Kush Bx3 [R] 100 Vanilla Frosting - Humboldt Frost OG x Humboldt Gelato Bx3 [R] 100

~ Gage Green Group (Detroit, Michigan) ~ 

Grateful Breath F2 - OGKB (OG Kush Breath) x Joseph OG [R] 400 5th Dimension - Out Of Body Experience x Synchronicity [R] 300 Guiding Light - Out Of Body Experience x Breathwork [R] 300 Luna Golden - High School Sweetheart 2 x Synchronicity [R] 300 Mo Lune Day - Motorbreath 15 x Breathwork [R] 300 {Out of Body Experience - (Skywalker OG x Grateful Breath) x Grateful Breath F2} {Synchronicity - Irene x Grateful Breath} {Breathwork - Mendobreath x Grateful Breath} {High School Sweet Heart - Cherry Pie Kush x Grateful Breath}

~ Dominion Seed Co - Duke Diamond (Virginia) ~ 

Stash Plant - The Puck (Skelly Hashplant) x Screaming Eagle [R] 140 Munson - Northern Lights #5 x Screaming Eagle [R] 140 Kough Drop - Strawberry Afghani x Screaming Eagle [R] 140 Free Bird - Headband x Screaming Eagle [R] 140 Shine Apple - Virginia Beach Afghani x Screaming Eagle [R] 140 Pine Bomb - Sensi Durban Poison x Screaming Eagle [R] 140 {Screaming Eagle lineage - Airborne g13 x (88 g13 Hashplant x Kandahar Afghani)} Granny Skunk - Virginia Beach Afghani x (Skelly Hashplant x SSSC Skunk #1) [R] 200 Local Skunk - Original Diesel x (Cuddlefish HP x Sour Diesel IBL) x (Skelly Hashplant x SSSC Skunk1) [R] 200 Sis Skunk - Chem Sister x (Skelly Hashplant x SSSC Skunk1) [R] 200

~ Lucky Dog Seed Co - SkunkVA (Virginia) ~ 

{Holder, Preserver, Sharer of the most elite / influential Chemdog cuts in existence.} Dog Patch - Chemdog 91 Bx2 x Chemdog D [R] 150 Hunza Valley 91 - Skelly Hashplant x Chemdog 91 Bx3 [R] 150 Road D.O.G. - Crossroad Chem x Chemdog 91 Bx2 [R] 150 Chem Fuego - Sour Band (Sour Diesel x Headband) x Chemdog 91 Bx3 [R] 150 Double Krush - Chem Krush x Chemdog 91 Bx2 [R] 150 Guerilla Fume - Silver Chem (Silverback OG x Chemdog 91) x Chemdog 91 Bx3 [R] 150 Bohemian Highway - Occidental Kush x Chemdog 91 Bx3 [R] 150 SkunkVA Chemdog 91 S1 - Chemdog 91 x Chemdog 91 [F] {Crossroad Chem - Chemdog 91 x SFV OG Kush Bx2 (Chem pheno)} {Chem Krush - Chemdog 91 x SFV OG Kush Bx2 (Kush pheno)} {Chemdog 91 lineage - Nepalese x Thai Landraces} Chemdog 91 is considered to be “the godfather” in cannabis genetics and has paved the way for some of the most popular strains in history such as Sour Diesel and OG Kush. Chemdog lineage can be found in most modern day hybrid genetics and these crosses are from there original seed stock - Original Skunk VA Chemdog 91 S1 gifted to me by Headies Gardens. Friend & Distributor of Skunk VA genetics Lucky Dog Seed Co.}

~ Green Bodhi (Eugene, Oregon) ~ 

{Intentional Horticultural ~ Mexican ~ Thai ~ Afghani} Hazy Kush - Hazy Kush x Hazy Kush Bx2 [R] (extremely unique genotype in Phylos Galaxy) 120 Hazy Dog - Dog Walker OG x Hazy Kush Bx2 [R] 120 Hazy Star - Stardawg x Hazy Kush Bx2 [R] 120 Hazy Sour - Sour OG x Hazy Kush Bx2 [R] 120 Hazy OG - OG Kush x Hazy Kush Bx2 [R] 120 Hazy Ghost - Ghost OG x Hazy Kush Bx2 [R] 120 Sour 78 (Tenzin Kush) - Sour OG x 78 LA Affie OG [R] (extremely unique genotype) 200 Dog Walker 78 - Dog Walker OG x (Sour OG x 78 LA Affie OG) [R] 150 Kosher 78 - Kosher Kush x (Sour OG x 78 LA Affie OG) [R] 150 SBSE 78 - Sour Best Shit Ever x (Sour OG x 78 LA Affie OG) [R] 150 Ancient Tenzin #2 - Tenzin Kush #2 x Ancient OG (72 Iranian x Snow Lotus) [R] 200 Ancient Tenzin #4 - Tenzin Kush #4 x Ancient OG (72 Iranian x Snow Lotus) [R] 200 {Hazy Kush lineage - Golden Pineapple x ((Trainwreck x Purple Affie) x (OG Kush x SAGE))}

~ Old World Genetics - DJ Short (Eugene, Oregon) ~ 

Newberry F5 - Blue Heaven F4 x DJ Short Blueberry F4 Male [R] 300 Velvet Krush F5 - FXW #4 Mother x DJ Short Blueberry F4 Male [R] 300 Blueberry F5 - Highland Thai x Afghani Indica [R] (first place indica cannabis cup 2000) 150 {Blueberry seeds are F4-F5 selectively bred from pure Landrace P1s since the 1970s. The mother for DJ Shorts Blueberry is over 20 years old - Selected in 1998 and rereleased in 2004.}

~ Dynasty Genetics - Professor P (Portland, Oregon) ~ 

Oregon Huckleberry IBL - Oregon Huckleberry F4 x Oregon Huckleberry Bx3 [R] 150 Mt. Hood Huckleberry F4 - Mt. Hood Huckleberry F3 x Mt. Hood Huckleberry F3 [R] 150 Huckleberry Kush V5 - Oregon Afghani x Oregon Huckleberry [R] 150 Crater Lake V6 - Super Silver Haze F2 x Oregon Huckleberry [R] 120 Alpenglow - Cherry Vanilla Cookies x Oregon Huckleberry 2017 #5 [R] 120 Blue Magoo Bx2 - Blue Magoo x Blue Heron #111 [R] 120 Salmon River OG - Pre 98 Bubba x Blue Heron #111 [R] 120 Birds Of Paradise - Kali Snapple x Blue Heron #111 [R] 120 Starduster - Pre-99 East Coast Sour Diesel x Ms. Universe (clone) [R] 120 {Kali Snapple - (Snowbud x Pineapple) x Kali Mist (Pre 2000)} {Ms. Universe - Dess*tar (Starship x Kali Mist) Mother x Space Queen F3 Farther} {Oregon Huckleberry - Oregon Blueberry (Blueberry X Temple Flo) X Morning Glory (Hawaiian x Afghani x Shiva Skunk)} {Blue Magoo - Oregon Blueberry F4 x Williams Wonder F2} {Blue Heron - Blue Magoo x Blue Magoo / Huckleberry}

~ Relic Seeds - Professor P (Portland, Oregon) ~ 

{Preservation of Rare Heirloom ~ Landrace ~ Unique CBD Varieties} Relic Grapefruit - Grapefruit IBL x Grapefruit F2 [R] 140 Durban Grapefruit - Durban Poison x Grapefruit F2 [R] 140

~ Massive Seeds (Rogue Valley Terroir, Southern Oregon) ~ 

{Bred, Grown and Harvested outdoor at 42.0 Latitude (Same Latitude as mid Hudson Valley) Some of the largest growing / biggest yielding plants on record with massive uniform nugs.} Pineapple Pomegranate F3 - Pomegranate x Applegate Hornblower [R] 140 Durban Pomegranate F2 - Durban Poison x Pineapple Pomegranate F3 [R] 140 Black Pomegranate - Pineapple Pomegranate F3 x South African Landrace [R] 140 Rogue Valley Wreck - Big Wreck x Blueberry Snow [R] 120 Summer Sunset OG - Purple Hindu Kush x Lemon Larry OG [R] 120 Mint Sunset - Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies x Summer Sunset OG [R] 120 Purple Lemon Chem - Chem 91 x Summer Sunset OG [R] 120 Snow Skunk - Yuki Dog x Purple Lemon Chem [R] 120 Chem541 - Chem91 Bx1 x (Chem91 x Session Sour Diesel BX1) [R] 120 {Pomegranate - Shishkaberry x Blueberry x Oregon Snow x Lemon Pineapple} {Applegate Hornblower (Pineapple Trainwreck) - Mexican x Thai x Afghani}

~ Freeborn Selections - Mene Gene (Mendacino, California) ~ 

Piña F4 - Super Silver Haze x ((Dirt x Bigbud) x (Dirt x Purp) [R] 300 Sky Cuddler Kush F3 - PK x (Skywalker OG x (PK x (Hindu x Big Red) [R] 300 Lime Pop Kush F3 - OG x (PK x Black Lime) [R] 300 Cherry West Bx - Cherry West x (Cherry West x Cherry Limeade) [R] 300 {Thoroughly worked lines over at least 3-4 generations before released to the public.} {(Dirt x Bigbud) x (Dirt x Purp) and (Big Red) are 80s Afghani lines from Santa Cruz.} Black Lime Reserve F2 {Eclectic Elegance Preservation} - Northern Lights x Purple Kush x Chemdog Special Reserve [R]

~ Emerald Mountain Legacy - Mandelbrot Brothers Family Heirlooms {Ras Truth} ~ 

Royal Kush IX (Bx10) - (Sour Diesel x Highland Afghani) x Southern Humboldt Purple Kush [R] 350 Oil Spill (Bx5) - XXX OG x Royal Kush 7 [R] 300 Royal Spill - (XXX OG x Royal Kush 7) x Royal Kush 8 [R] 300 The Real Rozé - (Zkittlez x Royal Kush 7) x Royal Kush 8 [R] 300 Royal Limez - (Zkittlez x Black Lime Reserve) x Royal Kush 8 [R] 300 Royal Maui Berry - Diesel Maui Dawg x Blackberry Kush x Royal Kush 9 [R] 250 {Royal Kush genome is one of the most sought after stabilized / homogenized IBLs in existence from the heart of the Emerald Triangle in Northern California.}

~ Karma Genetics (Holland) ~ 

Biker Kush (Ha-OG Bx2) - Ha OG x Biker Kush V1 [R] 150 Sour Power OG - Sour Power (cup winning cut) x Biker Kush V1 [R] 150 Tha Melon - Melon x Biker Kush V1 [R] 150 Karma Sour Diesel Bx2 - Rez Sour D x (Rez Sour D x (Rez Sour D x Biker Kush v2)) [R] 350 Headbanger - Rez Sour D (KG cut) x Biker Kush V1 [R] {2013 Amsterdam Cannabis Cup 1st} 300 Josh D OG - SFV OG x Triangle Kush x Hells Angels OG [R] 300 {Real OG Kush Story - Josh D & Matt “Bubba” Berger began developing these genetics in Orlando, Florida back in 1991.} {Biker Kush v2 - Ha OG x (Ha OG x (Ha OG x SFV OG Bx2))} (cup winning genetics) {Sour Power - Starbud x East Coast Sour Diesel} (cup winning genetics) {Sour Diesel used in Karma Sour crosses is a KG cut of a Rez Sour D IBL selected in 2007}

~ Surfr Seeds (Pacific Northwest) 

Citrus Tsunami - Tropicana Cookies x Orange Zkittlez [R] 100 Island Zkittlez - Sour Strawberry x Orange Zkittlez [R] 100 North Shore - Mendo Purps x Orange Zkittlez [R] 100 Endless Summer - Purple Punch x Orange Zkittlez [R] 100 So Pitted - MAC1 x Orange Zkittlez [R] 100

~ Pacific North West Roots - Ras Kaya Paul (Washington) ~ 

Koffee F5 - Alien OG x Alien Kush {Rare Pacific Northwest Roots Hierloom IBL} [R] 300 Black Koffee - Black Dog Kush Bx4 x Koffee F5 [R] 300 Koffee & Donuts - Glazed Cherries F4 x Koffee F5 [R] 300

~ Green Source Gardens (Southern Oregon Heirlooms) ~ 

Pinkleberry Kush F5 {Mendacino Blackberry Kush Hierloom IBL} [R]

~ HBK Genetics ~ 

Chile Verde - Key Lime Pie x Lavender [R] 300 {Emerald Cup 2018 Winner - Best Personal Use} {Key Lime Pie - Durban Poison x Cherry OG x OG Kush} {Lavender - Super Skunk x Big Skunk Korean x Afghani Hawaiian}

~ Alien Genetics ~ 

Sour Apple IX (IBL) - Sour Apple IBL x Sour Apple IBL [R] 350

~ Mos_Cutty ~ 

Cherry AK 47 IBL (Original Serious Seeds stock) 250 {AK47 - Colombian x Mexican x Thai x Afghani} [R]

~ Motherlode Gardens (Yosemite, California) ~ 

Ancient OG F5 - 1972 Iranian Landrace x Snow Lotus {Bodhi Seeds Hierloom IBL} [R] 200

~ Twenty20 Genetics (Mendacino, California) ~ 

SFV OG Bx5 (SFV OG IBL) - San Fernando Valley OG Kush [R] 150

~ Elev8 Seeds (Seattle, Washington) 

Bruce Banner OG - OG Kush (Ghost Cut) x Strawberry Diesel [R] 140

~ Jaws Genetics ~ 

Fruity Pebbles OG IC1 - Fruity Pebbles OG F2 x Fruity Pebbles OG F1 [R] 200

~ OrgnKid / Zoolander ~ 

Banana OG F3 - OG Kush x Sagmartha strain [R] {Original Seed Stock} 200

~ GG Strains (Las Vegas, Nevada - RIP Joesy Whales) ~ 

Gorilla Glue #4 IBL (Original Glue) - GG4 x GG4 Bx6 [R] 300 {Original Seed Stock of Michigan / Los Angeles High Times Cannabis Cup Winner 2014 and High Times Jamaican World Cup Winner.}

~ FYG Tree (Santa Cruz, CA) ~ 

Black Rose F13 (Heath Robinson IBL) - Black Russian x Shiva Skunk (purple pheno) [R] 200 Shiva Skunk Bx - Shiva Skunk x Black Rose F12 [R]

~ AK Bean Brains (Anchorage, Alaska breeder and old school genetic preservationist holding beans & cuts for over 30 years from original Dutch Seedbank stocks.) ~ 

N L #1 x N L #5 [R] 100 TK/NL5 Haze - Triangle Kush x Northern Lights #5 [R] 100 (Northern Lights #1 x Big Skunk) x Northern Lights #1 [R] 100 (Big Skunk x Northern Lights #1) x Super Skunk [R] 100 95 Black Domina - Northern Lights x Ortega x Hash Plant x Afghani [R] 100 Black Domina Bx (Black Domina x Pacific Northwest Hash Plant) x Northern Lights #1 [R] 100 (Black Domina x Matanuska Thunder Fuck) x Northern Lights #1 [R] 100 Matanuska Thunder Fuck Bx3 - Alaska Thunder Grape x Dutch Thunder Fuck [R] 100 {Northern Lights was brought to Neville Schoenmakers in the Netherlands in 1985, where he worked the line before releasing it under “The Seed Bank of Holland” ~ NL #5 became the High Times Cannabis Cup Winner in 1989, 1990 and 1992 and is considered one of the most influential strains of all time. These seeds have been preserved in Alaska since the late 80s.}

~ The Nature Farm (Real NorCal Culture) ~ 

Cheddar Skunk V2 - 89’ UK Cheese (Exodus Cut) x Uncle Festers Skunk #18 IBL [R] 100 Hidden Hills Skunk - 94’ SFV OG x Uncle Festers Skunk #18 IBL [R] 100 Uncle Festers Skunk #18 IBL aka Skunkbud - Afghani Indica x Mexican Sativa (64’ Brick Weed) x Colombian Gold & Red [R] 100 {Original Hells Angels strain bred in 1964 by “Uncle Fester” an early 60’s psychologist turned outlaw. Authentic Original Skunk #1 lineage that is pre Skunkman. Preserved / held by family in Northern California over 3 generations.}

~ Doc D Seeds ~ 

Bandaid Haze ix 3.0 (Piff) - Cuban Black Haze x A5/Thai [R] 200 (2 packs) {These seeds originally came from a Spanish grower in the “A5 crew” out of Southern Holland. “A5” was short for their NL#5 x Haze A open Thai pollination project. These seeds were shared with legendary grower Bodhi, who found one male and used it to pollinate a cut of “Cuban Black Haze” that he had. The strain was referred to as “Piff” and the seeds were shared almost exclusively with Doc D. After running the seeds, Doc selected “Piff #7” and shared the cut back with Bodhi who further worked the line. The cut was a significantly better long flowering haze variety with a shorter flowering time than the Cuban Black Haze mother or A5 father. Bodhi then later referred to the strain as “Bandaid Haze” coining the term because he said “it heals all wounds” This genome has direct lineage to the New York Hazes (NYC Piff / Uptown Piff / Washington Heights Haze) of the 2000s without any of the paranoia/anxiety that came from many of the hazes from that era. Many world renowned breeders agree that most of the “New York Haze” and “New York City Piff” varieties are all just different cuts of the same strain, that most likely comes from an early selection of Neville Schoenmakers (NL#5 x Haze) which is often referred to as the “pinnacle of cannabis breeding” that has dominated cannabis scene from the 1980s in Holland to the present day.}
{Fems}

~ Mass Medical Strains (Massachusetts) ~ 

Star Pupil - Purple Thai x Afghan/Pakistan [F] 150 {High Times Flower of Month - Jan. 2017} Pu Tang - Star Pupil x Tangie [F] {High Times Top 10 Strains of 2019} 150 Grape Pupil - Pu Tang x Star Pupil [F] 150 Triangle Pupil - Triangle Kush x Star Pupil [F] 150 Bubba Pupil - Pre-98 Bubba Kush (Katsu Bluebird) x Star Pupil [F] 150 Nepali Blue - Nepalese White Mountain Charas Sativa Heirloom x Blue Magoo Bx2 [R] 200

~ Compound Genetics (Portland, Oregon) ~ 

Gelateria - Acai Berry Gelato x Jet Fuel Gelato [F] 150 Liquid Imagination - Blue Zkittlez x Jet Fuel Gelato [F] 150 Icicles - White Sherbet x Jet Fuel Gelato [F] 150 Petrol Rainbows - Sour Gelato 5 x Jet Fuel Gelato [F] 150 The Menthol S1 - The Menthol x The Menthol [F] 150 {Jet Fuel Gelato - Gelato 45 x (High Octane OG x Jet Fuel G6)} {The Menthol - Gelato 45 x (White Diesel x (High Octane x Jet Fuel G6))}

~ Phinest Cannabis (Sacramento, California) x Cannarado (Colorado) ~ 

PB Souffle - Dosidos x Lava Cake [F] 150 Lava Breath - Mendobreath F3 x Lava Cake [F] 150 Magma Cookies - Cuvee Cookies x Lava Cake [F] 150 {Lava Cake - Grape Pie x Thin Min Girl Scout Cookies} {First major genetic line released to public that was created from tissue culture / micropropagation - RIP Jai Malloy (founder of Phinest Cannabis)}

New here! -- have been reading these for a while and felt like I could relate (and how that's probably not a good thing)
I got my undergrad in December and quickly found a job in my field starting in the middle of January at a small (less than 5 employees total) office. My boss and his wife run the company as a duo, where he does all of the work and she takes care of meetings, schedules, hiring employees, etc. My coworker has told me that she tends to hire younger because she can "get away with paying them nothing". I have been grateful to have a salary at all, and don't have any issues with pay.
I signed onto the job and on the first day I was immediately assigned my own projects (no training). We do work where accuracy is EXTREMELY important for liability purposes. In the interview process, both the boss and his wife told me that I'd be able to utilize the first few months as huge learning opportunities, as I told them my undergraduate program did not cover much of what we do. They assured me that this would be "more than okay". In my first few weeks, I had made my fair share of mistakes, and instead of offering any sort of guidance, the boss would snap at me, say things like "who told you to do this?" and "it's not that fucking hard to figure it out" under his breath while I'm at his desk ASKING for information, and then send me back to my desk. About a month into working she pulled me into a meeting and told me I need to stop asking so many questions to my coworkers and start working independently. With zero training and zero references, I reminded her in this meeting that the nature of the work we are doing is not something covered in undergrad, but that I would do my best to minimize questions and try to figure things out on my own.
The "asking questions" problem very quickly turned into a "talking" problem. I thought it was very normal to make casual small talk with coworkers (at decent times) for about 5 minutes at a time. My boss' wife seems to have developed a very particular distaste for ME talking, and has begun to blame me for almost everything that goes wrong in the office. If my coworker takes too long to complete something, she'll come out and yell at me for "distracting others".
I think it is worth mentioning that about 1 month ago she pulled my coworker and I into another meeting and said that she was moving my desk. I used to sit in a position where I could at the very least mouth things to my coworker if I had a quick question, but I now am completely facing the wall with my back turned to everyone else. I have responded to all of these instances with complete honesty and respect, telling her that while I do not ask questions about work anymore, and have completely stopped talking during the (sometimes 11 hour day), that there are just some extremely specific things that i HAVE to ask someone, or else I wouldn't have a clue how to go about it.
Now that I have my seat moved, my coworkers talk (I can hear them behind me) and I very rarely chime in. She will still come in and "joke" with the interns/employees to "make sure I leave everyone alone" and "not let me start talking". I will occasionally hear this over my headphones (which we are allowed to wear at work) and remind her that I haven't said anything to anyone all day.
All in all, (6 months in) I now go into work every day feeling anxious, and leave feeling defeated. I will say that my REAL boss doesn't seem to have any issues with me. He's a generally cranky guy but especially recently he seems to be pleased with the work I put out. The issue now really feels like a peronal one that she has about me. I will hear her asking him if I've messed up anything, and he'll say no. I feel like although I've learned a lot, there are still a lot of things I'm not grasping fully because I'm not allowed to ask about them. My coworkers are all planning their exits in the next few weeks and have advised me to do the same. I've espressed my fears to them about how I may not be picking things up quickly enough, and they all confirm that my work is fine, especially for being pretty new to the job. The only reason why I want to keep this job is because I wanted to have something for my resume for grad school (I'd be applying in the Fall). I'm not sure if it's even worth it anymore, with the mental damage she seems to be doing to me.
Would really appreciate any sort of guidance, because I'm pretty sure she qualifies as a narcissist. I will end by saying she's generally disliked by clients, employees, and argues with her husband in the office almost every day. He'll tell her to "shut up" and "leave him alone" right in front of us. It feels like just a super toxic place to be in in general. I will say again that I'm new to the work field and that I could also just need to grow up and deal with it. My plan was to stick it out until the winter (stay for a year) and then leave.

Deep down I knew I don’t need permission or confirmation that my mother is generally malignant and the ultimate source of suffering in my life right now. But I can’t accept why my own mother would do that to me.
So I am turning to you for advice, support, and insights for ways to separate yourself emotionally and individuate from your parents later in life when you should've done so much much earlier. The adult part of me knows what I should do but there is also a part of me that is frightened. let me give you a snapshot of my life trajectory. The story is long but I want to give you as much contexts as possible. If you want a short summary of the dilemma, go to the last paragraph, otherwise, here is my life story (it is long because I want to give as much context as possible, and also show clues for the many different ways a narcissistic parent can disrupt your life): I grew up in a well-to-do family in an East Asian country, my parents gave birth to me when they were in their early 20s and just as their business started taking off in the 'boom years'. Both of them came from very broken family, my mother suffered poverty, abuse, and neglect from her parents (she did not speak to her dad until he died, and almost never acknowledges her mother). My father was the least favourite child in his family of three, he dropped out of high school, ended up on the street (and, as I learnt a few years ago, later in prison for getting into fights). My mother met my dad (21) when she was 19 and ran away from her hometown, they grew a very successful business together in the early to mid 20s and became incredibly wealthy for a society that is generally still very poor. I had a lot of luxuries in my early childhood, we had a car, I had good clothing, but my parents were never around. I started boarding at the age of 3, and generally spent most of my time outside of kindergarten and school with my paternal grandparents, and occasionally, my mum's mother. My parents fought a lot, and I remember my mother threatening to take me away from my dad and drove away from home with me in a car with nowhere specific to go. Once things got really bad and my mother told me that she is divorcing my father, and we even went into another flat (for a grand total of 1 day) before returning home. She emotionally smothered me, told me that she would die for me and nobody would love me as much as her. As the expression in our language puts it ' You are a piece of flesh fallen from my body'. She hit me a lot, often over small things , sometimes in public, I remember being thrown outside of our apartment and crying in the corridor. But I thought she was better than my father, whom, in my mother's words, would swiftly remarry in an event of her death/departure, and I would then be abused by another evil mother in law and her offsprings. My dad was completely absent from my childhood save for the first year (I remember playing video game, going to the park with him at the age of 3).
Although my family was wealthy, my mother took me out of the posh international school I was in after 6 months and sent me to a state school that is (in)famous for being extremely strict and militant. I was a 'good, smart kid' in primary school, but when I got to the state school at the age around 12 or 13, I became very depressed and that life has no purpose. I was falling at almost all school subjects (except History), and I started drinking (my dad drank a lot, and alcoholism is culturally tolerated if not perpetuated). At this point something happened that saved me in retrospect. My family decided to emigrate to an anglophone New World country and I went to yet another boarding school there. Yes, I experienced racism and generally felt horrible about the way I looked (not good looking in the Western sense or sporty), but I got to be separated from my family and grew as an individual. My grades got better, and by year 12, 13 I was among the best performing students. Between 13-18, I rarely see my father (perhaps once or twice a year), my mother would visit periodically, they bought a house next to the school, so I started to live in the house (mostly alone, sometimes with my mother and whatever hapless young women she manipulated into being her assistant). My parents couldn't speak English, and I dealt with most family matters, as with many first gen immigrant kid. By the time that I was supposed to go to university, I wanted to do law & politics at the public university in my adopted hometown but then my father intervened stating that I would never get a good job at a respectful company with a degree from the backwater 2nd rate university. He insisted that I should go to the U.K. or the U.S. He also stopped me from taking a gap year to travel, so I mostly stayed at home, played game, whilst being a driver and an assistant to them for a year. I regret not leaving home and getting a job. I applied to many universities in the U.K, Canada, and Australia, got into most of them, and ended up choosing the worst ranked university because I wanted to be in London. I couldn't do a conjoint degree so I chose to study politics (as that's what I was interested in). University life was eye opening, I got to see Europe, realised that the world was much bigger than the conformist, conservative East Asian country and the backwater suburbs with strip-malls and junk food stores I grew up in. But the degree did not prepare me for life, and all those years of bad parenting, emotionally under-development made me miserable in my first taste of adult relationships. I chose emotionally distant if not abusive friends, was a horrible person who hurt people who actually liked me and loved me. I did no internship or travel because I was expected to go home during school holiday, helping them move house, looking after guests, and being the 'little husband' when my mother was giving brith to my youngest sibling. I really wanted to stay in London, I looked for jobs, very random jobs because I had no life skills and never ever made my own money. So in the end, I left, and had to return to East Asia. By this time, my father had moved to another, more cosmopolitan East Asian city as his lifestyle became more and more extravagant. I lived with him and started interning at a fancy company in the culture industry. I worked there for almost a year hoping they would offer me a job, they did not. I got another job fairly soon in brand consulting, and finally at the age of 23 started making money. I had a relationship with an older woman, she was kind and tolerant, and I was an arse. I also realised that I cannot combine intimacy and sex at this point. I tried to start my own freelancing consultancy, acquired the ability to impress other people (faking it). Things seem to be working, I almost made enough money to support my life, but I was fundamentally lost and unhappy. I had the first depressive episode in my life. I wanted to go back to London, to get a Masters degree. So I applied and got into my dream school, my father agreed to pay for my education, so off I went to university again. That was probably the happiest year of my life, it turned out I loved elements of academia, research, being with other smart nerdy people. I met an intelligent, caring, and beautiful woman, and we moved in together soon after. I discovered more fulfilling, freer ways to live, I found proofs that a successful life was not just about working for an investment bank, or being rich. I wanted to be an academic, so I applied for a PhD at the school, and I got in after two attempts. Academia isn't all rosy, the work condition is pretty awful, the publish or perish mentality literally sucks every last bit of joy and fulfilment out of research, I loved teaching, but quickly learnt that teaching matters little at a 'research university'. I got fat, my relationship got really bad, sex became non-existent, arguments soon turned physical, and I thought that I was a real piece of shit and better off dead. The only thing that kept me going at the time? Bitterness and shame. I felt indebted to everyone, to my partner because I was an abusive arsehole, and to my family because I was stupid enough to do a PhD and wasting their money (and my life away). The pandemic hits, and sure enough, things got even worse, I felt like I couldn't carry on anymore and that I needed to radically un-f my life. My solution to this: was to finally become the person my family wanted me to be, filial, loyal, and rich. I was ready to threw my life in London away, everything, my home, my girlfriend, my PhD and move back to East Asia to become rich, and 'stop being a loser'. I came home to 'fix my family' and showered everyone with love and attention in ways I never did. I networked and explored ways to get into finance, and I got an at a VC firm. Soon enough, the whole thing completed backfired and my life started to unravel faster than I could count to three. I hated the internship, it fundamentally clashed with who I was and my value, I cried everyday in the toilet at work. I also broke up with my girlfriend for a person who was the poplar opposite of her that I had no attachment to (and sex was great because there was zero emotional intimacy). Within 3 months, I had very little savings left, was living in a short term rental apartment, and spent most of my time in bed and eating very unhealthily. Luckily, I had a therapist, a good friend in Shanghai, and my girlfriend was willing to give me a second chance. It was also around this time I realised how my family's (what do you even call it) emotional neglect might have contributed to my unhappiness and depression. I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and medicated, the medicine helped for me to move out of paralysis. But I wanted to tell my family that I am very unwell and get them to love me back, so I confronted them over things they have done to me as a kid and showed them the diagnosis. My mother did not handle this well. She called me horrible names, made fun of me, and accused me for being a horrible son. This whole ordeal made me realise that I needed to break away from them, and what I had thrown away in London was actually the most valuable things I have in life, a career, a family, my own identity. After confronting my mother over her abusive behaviour and emotional smothering, she vowed to never see me again. However, after 6-8 months, she sent me a large chunk of money for my birthday. So I, stupidly, let her back into my life again, a part of the reason was the financial help that I needed (to feel safe mostly), but I also really wanted to see proofs that my parents actually did love and accept me after all. At first, things got better, she came for Christmas, visited a few times, celebrated her birthday, and looked really happy. Both my partner and I spent a lot of time with her, bought her gifts, cooked for her, and hang out with her to make sure she feels loved. But soon, she started complaining that she actually had a horrible time and was mistreated by my partner. To make matter worse, a year and half after I left home for the last time thinking that I would never go back, my parents promise to buy me a flat (and started to pressure me to get married). I accepted the flat, thinking that it would offer stability and freedom (pushing away the past experience of their emotional neglect and abusiveness). Sure enough, the flat became yet another way for my mother to mess with my life. It had daunted on her that I am about to become my own person and live in the flat and start a family of my own, so she lashed out and said if my girlfriend lives there she would sue me and reclaim the flat. She then went behind my back and started disputing the flat's ownership. We have already spent a lot of time and energy planning the move and all of this is happening just 2/3 weeks from the move-in. I have a demand job that requires a lot of cognitive focus, and I feel like I am spending a decent chunk of my day trying to resolve the situation in addition to processing the emotional toll of having my own mother out to destroy my life. I know I have a job, a family, and my own life, and I have a good legal case, but I also feel so unsafe, violated, and confused. I can almost feel the voice in my head telling me that this is all my doing, and that I am too weak. It is like I know what I need to do cognitively but emotionally I am paralysed. Do you think what I mean? What would you do?

To preface this post, I want to give the disclaimer that like many things, there is not a black and white answer the question. I'm writing this as an experienced tech professional, and the information provided is based on opinion.
To start with. A little bit of history..
The golden age of software engineering(and similar jobs) is over. At least for the next 5 - 10 years. I don't think this is an unpopular opinion. The reason why between the years of 2010 - 2022, these jobs exploded, was because of the boom of the internet for commercial and personal use.
This is different from the dotcom boom of 2000s, where the internet was just starting and most of the products being created were for basic things like: putting banking on the internet, putting videos on the internet, etc.
The boom in the 2010s was related to the widespread popularity of commercial and personal products. Things like Uber, Spotify, and Salesforce. With the sudden increased usage of the digital world, there were MILLIONS of companies rushing to create digital products.
However, we're starting to see the rise and fall of some of these products, millions of startups failings, and less VC funding. In case you don't know, VC stands for Venture Capital, which are basically investment companies that give money to other companies to help them grow and develop, in return for partial ownership of the company.
As the industry began to mature, successful companies started to emerge, and many more started to fail.
The present day..
Software engineering and like jobs will continue to be important, and there will be a high demands for these engineers. Nearly every company will still need a website, a place to manage their data, and people to manage their hardware. BUT.. the basic technologies they need to run their company will become more efficient. AND there will be less research and innovation because the a lot of the trial and error already occurred.
We're in a weird spot where the demand for workers is now decreasing from it's recent peaks, and the supply of workers is now increasing because of how all the benefits of being a software engineer in the past decade.
This has really unfortunate consequences for any recent graduates or others trying to break into the tech field. There are WAY more beginning career people than jobs available. Which is made even worse with the amount of layoffs there are, where mid-level employees are now having to settle for entry level jobs.
What can we do?
I have two pieces of advice for people interested in the topic, or wanting to break into the field but can't. Try breaking in from a adjacent field, where you can get some exposure to tech. Things that data entry, analytics(this can be finance, supply chain etc). Then try to learn as much as you can from the tech people at your company.
The second piece of advice. Go into a different field. Software engineering is not for everyone. You have to learn and understand some relatively complex topics, and it's becoming harder and harder to be competitive in the industry. Healthcare, supply chain, and many other industries are booming right now.
Understanding history, you can see that certain industries will rise and fall. For the near future, technology might be one of the harder careers to break into. Something like healthcare would be that's expected to grow exponentially. The average population of the world is getting older, as less and less people are wanting to have kids. There will be higher demand for healthcare professionals and healthcare technology.
Do your best to review and understand these trends, and hopefully you can create a good life and career. Best of luck!
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(Skip to the end to see the informal poll and avoid the anxious ramble)
My first year of teaching was a disaster from beginning to end. I know most teachers’ first year is the worst and you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing bc you don’t know what you’re doing and there’s so much pressure. Etc.
Even beyond the more typical misery was a lot of personal life tumult and turmoil and trauma and chaos going on, including a debilitating (somewhat unofficial but more or less confirmed based on symptoms) diagnosis I have to live with now without having much insight as to prognosis. And a lot more discomfort involving loved ones.
Reflecting on this year is almost as traumatic as the experience itself. I had next to zero support, with the exception of about 2 weeks under the guidance of an amazing master teacher. But that was it. The morale at the school was beneath rock bottom. Every single day was worse than the day before. I tried to go in positive. But with very few exceptions, everyone was miserable and no one tried to hide it. People were directly rude to me, condescending, sarcastic, openly comtemptful, angry, hated the kids and cursed about them and screamed at them (“shut UP!!!!” “MORON! GET OUT!” “You’re STUPID, I should have LET that student hit you!” “I woulda hit you in the face too if you’d done something like that to me!” Just a few quotes off the top of my head, not to mention one slamming the door on my sped teacher’s face along with our sped students, which the principal did absolutely nothing about despite his friendship with the sped teacher). Discipline/behavior was an absolute JOKE. I think I’ve painted an accurate picture of how awful it was.
I guessed my way through everything but did my absolute best and figured everything out. A bit of productive struggle and hey, by the end of the year I was an expert in a lot of things I knew nothing about months earlier. My rapport with my students was great, to give myself some credit. They loved me. Albeit too much—they thought of my softness as a doormat. They felt free and liberated in my classroom bc I seldom raised my voice. Unfortunately what they’re accustomed to is only listening when yelled at, and as a new teacher, I did not have better tools to manage classroom behavior, beyond building relationships, and my class was a bit out of control. It became all about getting through the curriculum through the 3rd quarter.
My benchmark scores went up, which was pretty amazing considering everything. However at the very beginning of the 4th quarter my principal informed me that he wasn’t renewing my contract and that he would never let me teach 4th grade again, that “I don’t know if I would ever let you teach any grade level, maybe try pre-k—you get nap time and someone is always with you.” So he wrote off my career as an elementary teacher after just a few months of teaching. I could go in about how he had covertly brought in his very own former student (who had only recently began prepping to take the Praxis) as my replacement, unofficially “employed” but “technically not.” But I don’t want to get into that, as furious as it made me. I just stopped writing lesson plans bc no way was I gonna train her for free when they gave me zero support through the year.
I had way more bad days than good—the kids and my para got me through it! I was grateful for that. They were wonderful and I miss them. But I was made to feel incompetent. I slowly started to realize that him booting me was a blessing in disguise, especially after learning how many students I’d have had next year. And some other changes that won’t be helpful.
There’s also a lot of BS going on in our state regarding education. So things are not exactly going to get easier. Alas, I need a paycheck and I went to school and passed praxis to be a teacher. I’m 44 so it’s not like I have many options.
But I did actually finally get an interview at a library last week! I’d applied for 6 years and never got so much as a phone call. Unfortunately it’s part time and drastically less pay (which is honestly pitiful). And it would take me years to make close to what I make now. And I was just getting into certification so as a teacher I’d get a $10k raise. Buuut I really don’t want to miss a rare opportunity to get my foot in the door at the library!
I’ve got dozens of job offers in my district. I had 6 principals call me and email me yesterday alone! I know I could make decent money. But I don’t want to turn down the library job, which absolutely would not cut it financially.
I forgot to mention a key component of this dilemma: Teaching is extremely overstimulating to me. I’m autistic/adhd. This was part of my misery. Between my loud a/c units in my classroom and the kids noises desks constantly clanking and kids constantly talking over me etc etc etc, and the awful attitudes of most coworkers and all the other stuff, I barely made it to the end of the year. I know most of us actually feel that way, but my day to day in the classroom is beyond awful. I cried constantly, I had panic attacks going in every single morning during the 4th quarter after years of reduced panic attacks, most days I felt frustrated, and some days I even had moments where I could not even talk anymore and had to go home (these days where at least one kid told me to “Shut the f- - k up b-tch!” or fought or both plus admin treated me like crap and I had enough). Not to mention spending entire weekends and weeknights writing lesson plans, creating lessons, grading, entering grades, etc etc etc. All I could think about every day was how much I wished I could get a library job!! I even had a student tell me I would make a better librarian than teacher. She was excited when I got the call about the interview lol.
But what if my next school is better? What if I go in knowing expectations and having a better idea of how to do things and how to establish classroom procedures, what if it’s better? What if it’s stupid to give up on a better paying job? I’d love to get my MLIS but realistically, there aren’t very many librarian jobs and moving isn’t an option. The day to day would almost be worth the paycut. I’ve contemplated doing both, just for one year. I know that sounds nuts, and it’s risky, but what’s more important? My paycheck, or my mental health?! I honestly don’t know! I need the money. But I also need a peaceful environment.
Here are my options:
A) Substitute w library for almost the same money as I made uncertified, which was barely enough
B) Library + teaching full time bc you’re insane and unrealistic
C) Library only + MLIS bc it’s your dream & short term paycut is worth long term happiness.
D) Girl, are you insane?! Teaching only bc it’s the smart move!

Hey everyone! I wanted to share some tips on how to find a job as a CDL truck driver, especially if you're just starting out. Here’s what worked for me and some friends in the industry.
1. Get Your CDL License First thing's first, you need to get your Commercial Driver's License (CDL). Find a good truck driving school in your area. They’ll help you learn everything you need to know and get you ready for the test.
2. Check Out Job Boards Once you have your CDL, start looking at job boards. Websites like Indeed, Monster, and even Craigslist often have listings for truck driving jobs. There are also industry-specific sites like TruckingTruth and CDL Life that post job openings.
3. Join Trucking Forums and Groups Join online forums and Facebook groups for truck drivers. These communities are super helpful, and you can find job leads and advice from experienced drivers.
4. Network with Other Drivers Networking is key. Talk to other drivers at truck stops, rest areas, or even online. They might know of companies that are hiring and can give you a referral.
5. Apply to Big Companies Big trucking companies like Swift, Schneider, and J.B. Hunt often hire new drivers and offer training programs. They might not pay as much at first, but they’re a good place to gain experience.
6. Keep Your Record Clean Make sure your driving record is clean. Companies will check this, and a good record can help you stand out.
7. Be Ready for OTR Many companies will start you with over-the-road (OTR) jobs, which means long hauls across the country. Be prepared for this as it’s a great way to gain experience and prove your reliability.
8. Look for Local Jobs If you prefer staying close to home, look for local or regional trucking companies. These jobs might be harder to find for beginners but keep an eye out.
9. Use Social Media Follow trucking companies and job boards on social media. Sometimes they post job openings there first.
10. Stay Persistent Don’t get discouraged if you don’t get hired right away. Keep applying and networking. The trucking industry always needs drivers, so something will come up.
Good luck out there! If you have any other tips or need more info, feel free to ask in the comments. Safe driving! 🚛💨

Hey everyone, this is my first post on this community page. I've been a newly qualified nurse in the NHS for 6 months, and I'm contemplating leaving my first RN position. My parents don’t speak English, so I help them with daily responsibilities, which can be very stressful. I worry about them while at work in case of an emergency. My sister and I have sought help from the council and social services, but their support is limited, so we handle most of it ourselves.
I work in the ophthalmology outpatient department, which has a high patient flow. We see about 250-300 patients a day across various clinics. While I love my supportive team, the management is problematic. Four months in, I was put on call after a long day, totaling 15 hours, with another long shift the following day. I was reassured I wouldn’t be on call until I felt confident and that it was unlikely to get called out at night, but that wasn't reassuring. By that stage, I wasn’t confident. When I told my line manager this, she said I’d be fine. I don’t understand how they allow on-call for nurses who do long days and may need to stay late, then get called anytime at night. It’s inhumane hours. I understand night shifts on wards as you know what hours you’ll do.
Another problem is that staff have raised issues about clinics numerous times to management, but they seem to shrug it off and not sort things out. During my supernumerary period, I initially received support, but after getting some things signed off, I was left to work on my own. Although I have a preceptor, I rarely get to work with her now. Initially, I loved this job, but after 4 months, it’s overwhelming due to the high patient volume. I feel deskilled as my tasks are limited to checking visual acuity, intra-ocular pressure, blood pressure, blood glucose, and instilling eye drops. I've had to take time off work due to stress at home and work, and I have recurring gastrointestinal issues under investigation by my doctor.
I loved community nursing and the minor injuries unit in my third year student nurse placement. I was offered a community post but declined it for this current job due to worrying about car wear. I now regret it because community nursing offers a lot in terms of skills, learning opportunities, and career progression. I’ve realized I want a nursing job with transferable skills and a variety of clinical tasks, which ophthalmology doesn’t offer. I'm constantly looking for other job opportunities, including community and practice nursing, though practice nursing is very competitive and I was declined.
I’ve just been put on bank/locum to potentially do extra shifts in the department, but they also said I can do shifts around the hospital. I'm terrified because I don’t give medications besides eye drops, do IVs, bloods, or catheterizations, which some places need. I’ll likely just be doing healthcare jobs which I’m fine with but areas may want a nurse with those skills.
Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated

I have a cleaning business and I have worked for this couple for a 4 years every week and they have been great.
About a month ago they referred me to a close friend of theirs who I had met on numerous occasions. They were great and they wanted me weekly for 7 hours so I left a job further away 10.5 to do theirs as it was closer and easier to pick up my children. 2 weekls later she got rid of me because her other cleaner could come back.
I have been struggling badly lately and was even referred to the acute mental health team. Which they knew about and offered to support me how they could This couple were overseas and I asked them to pay me before the clean as it was pushed out due to sickness in the house and have to pay rent. Then I knew that the husband heading off overseas so I sent the invoice in advance I usually do 20 hours a week because there is a delay in payment due to being overseas. I asked if they wanted me to do extra cleaning this weekend as I needed more work the husband was going away this weekend so I sent through the invoice.
I then got a message back saying he wasn’t going to pay me for this weekend as it was still during the week and hadn’t finished the cleaning this week this was Thursday he made me feel like a thief.
They also know I have adhd and my daughter as well as I helped them with their daughter and advice on getting her assessed.
Now they won’t talk to me and watch me like a hawk . I’m 47 not 15 and when I went today they wouldn’t let me into the room to clean as I only had too do 2 rooms they made me wait an hour and I left and yesterday they made me go and pick up somethings for them took nearly 2 hours which I won’t get paid for.
I made the decision to resign as it making my mental health worse. Thoughts anyone. I’m a single mother with no help so I rely on the money.

I am a female in my late 30s. I went to college in my 20s and could not finish because I had to choose between caring financially for my mother, or going to college, even though it was a public school overseas (and believe me, not everyone passed the test to get into that school, so I pride myself) ... but here I am, working in health care, and fed up with the clinical side of things.
If I could afford it, I would become a lawyer. I am fascinated by criminal law and I am 1000% people oriented, but this is a degree you cannot pursue online, and the tuition is criminal in itself! I refuse to get into an absurd amount of debt, just to get an education.
My second option option is tech. I was also fascinated by it when I was a teenager, and after learning about Sophia learning and WGU, I have decided I want to pursue a career in Cyber Security. Plus, I love the Epic Software and would love to get Epic certified. Yesterday I learned the hospital I work for did not certify their IT people in Epic for the longest time because they were afraid their staff would then get better jobs somewhere else. ISN'T THAT SOME POOR THINKING???? My goodness!!! and then of course, last year they actually let go a lot of their staff. Believe me, I will stay with them a little longer to get tuition reimbursement, and to gain experience by getting into their cyber sec. team, but I will eventually be out. Their decisions scream poor leadership!
May I ask why is it that many of you discourage other people from pursuing this career path just because they don't have any IT background? Why would a university offer a program that you won't be successful in? Won't they teach you what you are supposed to know? Right now I am trying to finish a project management certificate on Coursera (it has taken me a friggin' year to do it because of depression issues), and I enrolled in 100 Devs to learn how to code. I was trying to do both at the same time, and I had to pause. I promised myself I will finish the project management program this weekend.
Anyway, after I am done, my intention is to continue learning how to code. I am fascinated by that.
Then, I will enroll at GWV in cyber sec. to start next year.
Again, why do some of you discourage people with no background to start this career path just because they have no experience?
Thank you!

Hey everyone, this is my first post on this community page. I've been a newly qualified nurse in the NHS for 6 months, and I'm contemplating leaving my first RN position. My parents don’t speak English, so I help them with daily responsibilities, which can be very stressful. I worry about them while at work in case of an emergency. My sister and I have sought help from the council and social services, but their support is limited, so we handle most of it ourselves.
I work in the ophthalmology outpatient department, which has a high patient flow. We see about 250-300 patients a day across various clinics. While I love my supportive team, the management is problematic. 4 months in, I was put on call after a long day, totaling 15 hours, with another long shift the following day. I was reassured I wouldn’t be on call until I felt confident and that it was unlikely to get called out at night, but that wasn't reassuring as my colleagues on call have been called out. By that stage, I wasn’t confident as I’ was still new. When I told my line manager this, she said I’d be fine. I don’t understand how they allow on-call for nurses who do long days and may need to stay late, then get called anytime at night. It’s inhumane hours. I understand night shifts on wards as you know what hours you’ll do.
Another problem is that staff have raised issues about clinics numerous times to management, but they seem to shrug it off and not sort things out. During my supernumerary period, I initially received support, but after getting some things signed off, I was left to work on my own. Although I have a preceptor, I rarely get to work with her now. Initially, I loved this job, but after 4 months, it’s overwhelming due to the high patient volume. I feel deskilled as my tasks are limited to checking visual acuity, intra-ocular pressure, blood pressure, blood glucose, and instilling eye drops. I've had to take time off work due to stress at home and work, and I have recurring gastrointestinal issues under investigation by my doctor.
I loved community nursing and the minor injuries unit in my third year student nurse placement. I was offered a community post but declined it for this current job due to worrying about car wear. I now regret it because community nursing offers a lot in terms of skills, learning opportunities, and career progression. I’ve realized I want a nursing job with transferable skills and a variety of clinical tasks, which ophthalmology doesn’t offer. I'm constantly looking for other job opportunities, including community and practice nursing, though practice nursing is very competitive and I was declined.
I’ve just been put on bank/locum to potentially do extra shifts in the department, but they also said I can do shifts around the hospital. I'm terrified because I don’t give medications besides eye drops, do IVs, bloods, or catheterizations, which some places need. I’ll likely just be doing healthcare jobs which I’m fine with but areas may want a nurse with those skills.
Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Rescinded after negotiation
I just had a very tough day yesterday. Early Tuesday, I received an offer for AE role with 110k, I negotiated via email to ask for 132k. 24 hours radio silent. Early Thursday, my offer got rescinded. No reverse action even after I reevaluated the salary is ok. I'm just sad, mad and regretful. They never told me it's non-negotiable, even though they have checked with me if 110k is ok before moving on to interviews. You know, at the end of the day I thought I deserved it and I'm just looking out for my personal budget.
That was a dream job that I have been working so hard to get, 8 months of applying for jobs with 4 times failed last rounds, I finally made it and I thought this is it. I was happy, my friends were super happy for me and supported me to negotiate more. I'm just trying to process what the hell just happened. Personal rant: This has affected me so much because my lease ended at the same time and I thought I'd relocate for the job so I had no back up long term rental solution. I even had farewell with friends.
To the other side of the recruiting process, what are your thought process on withdrawing an offer after a candidate negotiates?
To those who had been in this boat, have you got a job after? How did you process this? I hope you had an even better offer after this accident.

Hej guys, I'm planning to move to Norway this summer but I've got a few question that I can't find any current answers on. This sub seems to be very helpful so I hope you could help me out!

1. How "full" is Oslo right now and is trying to find an appartment or room any easier during the winter? Afaik the semester in Norway starts in september and I don't want to steal any affordable accomodations from the students. But even if I wanted to gentrify the students out of my future appartment, I'm wondering how good my chances are right now at even finding anything on finn.no or hybel.no when I arrive in late august, or if I should delay my search.

1.1 On the same note. I'm used to housing market being very beaurocratic in Germany. If I see a fitting appartment, lets say on finn, do I just text them with some details? Do I not have to fill in any forms before they even dare to bless me with taking a look at my request? I'm so not used to that haha
1.2 Are my chances better with housing companies or private individuals renting out their appartments?

1. Is owning a car a disadavantage and are there any free parking spots when I'm not living in the city center? I'm all for public transport but I've got to transport my stuff somehow.
   
2. Hearing "Norway is dying to find IT staff" every where (like probably in every western country) but how true is that statement really, especially for English speakers? I've got a remote job in IT so I'll be fine for now. Though I couldn't really find any job offerings that are not requiring/implying norsk on a C1 level. But planning long term I might need a proper Norwegian wage and my Norsk skills are around "ordering a coffee"-level right now.
   

That's all for now. I'm happy for any and all advice. And any Osloians/Norwegians who are in Berlin right now, dm me and I can hook you up with the best beer you'll ever have. Takk!

So, here's the deal: I applied for the Remote Graphic Designer job and reached out to the recruiter via WhatsApp. We started the conversation, the recruiter asked me to tell them about myself, I laid out my story, and then came their response.
RECRUITER: We need someone who has a passion for souls
ME: knowing that I’d like to hear what kind of style designs I’ll be creating. what are the typical projects I might work on?
RECRUITER: Okay Good. Let's start with your first task. You are to create two fliers with the content below. (never got the details about what to create)
ME: Before taking the time to create what you've asked for, I do have a couple of questions to ask if you don't mind.
RECRUITER: Okay
ME: I'd like to discuss the salary details. would the arrangement be hourly-based or cost-per-project? also, I'm curious about the next steps in the hiring process.
RECRUITER: No, It's salary At the end of the month
ME: how many projects would I typically handle within a month, and could you provide insight into the salary amount?
RECRUITER: What are your salary expectations? As per the job? Can't quantify it
ME: It depends on factors like the number of projects I'll be taking on within the month and their respective deadlines. understanding these details would help me gauge a fair expectation
RECRUITER: Sir, You should browse this on the internet. Are you ready for the task?
ME: I’m a bit confused. there are no specific details about the workload and deadlines for the position in your advert. if you can provide these details directly, that way I will be able to offer you my salary expectation.
RECRUITER: It's a remote job
ME: yes, I’m aware of that
RECRUITER: So what else do you want your job to entail? I must say, we won't stress you with workload
ME: It's not about stress, but rather, about understanding my compensation for the work I will be doing. knowing this is crucial for me to proceed. could you please provide a salary range? Without that information, with all due respect, I'm unable to move forward.
Recruiter: Thanks
ME: -.-
(End of the story.)

Hi again everyone it's me, if you remember. I got a couple people in my dms asking how I'm doing and I'm allowed to write another update so... well. Here I am. Almost exactly 6 weeks since the worst 48 hours of my life.
I guess I'll just get into it since I'm using this as a diary at this point but I did also start journaling but journaling feels kind of lonely sometimes. And a lot has happened that I would appreciate everyone's thoughts on because you have all been really helpful. Thank you so much.
TL;DR: I'm back at work and getting on my feet and going to group art therapy. I met one of my boyfriend's old friends who's taking care of him and putting him through rehab. My old friends are coming back around and I'm trying to figure out how to be accountable and better for them. I'm ok, I'm safe, I'm almost happy.
I went back to work on May 1st because I promosed myself I would. I work at a smoothie shop, and we are a small team of 4 who usually work in pairs with my boss (the owner) there during rush hours and the baker who works before any of us come in.
When I came to open the shop that morning, the baker talked with me and asked how I was doing. I don't want people to know a lot but she has always been nice to me so I vented a little to her. I wasn't expecting how good it felt to talk to someone about everything that happened even not super detailed. Especially when she gave me such a big hug which made me cry tbh and told me to be strong and she was so happy I came back and didn't hide. 🥺
After talking to her and the coworker I usually work with, I felt better about therapy and stuff because talking does help. So when I got the call from that group therapy thing I wasn't as scared and didn't chicken out like I thought I would. I went and met people in my group, and it was a good experience. I am still going today.
A few days after the 1st I got a call from an unknown number. I don't normally answer those but with the situation and numbers I've been calling lately I didn't want to miss something important so I answered. A man introduced himself to me (I will call him "Tom") and told me he was a friend of my boyfriend "Luke".
I had never heard of this person before and I was just completely shocked and kind of just said "oh" and he started talking. He said he paid the rent for May for the suite and said he gave notice of ending the rental agreement, and asked if I wanted anything of mine from the place and if so he told me I had until the 11th before he dumped/sold stuff and start cleaning.
I came back to myself after that and was just like "hang on who are you and did you find Luke or what???" Because as far as I knew Luke was still missing and also I didn't know who he was.
So basically, a little background on Luke's life: He's originally from very very rural Quebec. He was taken into custody by the ministry when he was 8 after his mom passed away via sui and tried to take him with her because of his dad's extreme physical and sexual abuse towards both Luke and his mom. There were no foster resources in his town so he was taken to a bigger city and put with a family there.
He got into a lot of trouble with the ministry and police and kept having to get moved around due to threatening behavior towards his foster family (parents and siblings). Eventually he got into drinking and drugs and very badly beat up his younger foster brother and foster mother when he was 11 or 12. He got diagnosed with a conduct disorder and got put into juvie prison.
There was a project starting at that time in BC that was rehabilitation for juvie kids in MCFD custody. Basically they set up group homes that were staffed by social workers and counselors, like a foster home but run by a non-profit group not one family. This is actually something similar to where I grew up, but mine was for kids who "failed to thrive" in single-family care while Luke's was for kids who were criminals or addicts.
Because of his childhood situation and how they got him into custody, the MCFD wanted to see Luke go through one of those programs and hopefully be better. So they told him either the group home or juvie and he picked the group home, and a social worker from BC came to get him and flew him to the city. But in this new city even though he got to go back to public school and do stuff like gymnastics which he missed, he didn't know english as much and didn't have friends. So he started acting out again and got arrested more times.
Back to now. Tom told me that when he was in grade 10 and Luke was in grade 8, Tom joined a leadership club at his high school. Because of Luke's history he was forced into leadership club's "big brother" program with threat of being expelled if he didn't. Tom got assigned Luke in his "big brother" project, and they became friends, and then they became family all through high school and through Tom's first 3 years at uni. When he was telling me this I was blown away because Luke literally never even mentioned him so I finally just asked "well then why don't I know you? what happened?"
Tom said "Well, you know Luke." And I guess I do. Soooo yeah.
Luke showed up at Tom's childhood home a week after the stuff with Peanut, and Tom's parents called 911 because he was erratic and very high. The ambulance came and took him, and Tom went to the hospital to see him after his parents told him what happened.
At this point I had to go catch the bus but I told him we could text and meet and I wanted to help him clean the place too because I felt responsibility. He insisted it would be fine but I insisted I wanted to help so I texted him my schedule and we arranged a time to meet.
When I told my boss about all of this she and especially her husband asked if I could take a friend or if one of them could go. I told them I would ask my coworker since we have the same days off so I wouldn't trouble his busy schedule and definitely my boss should NOT go because she is getting so pregnant it's crazy and she needed to rest and still does need rest.
So my coworker I will call Nerd bc inside joke (who is male and big so that is helpful) agreed and we bussed to Luke's place. There was a car in front I didn't know so I assumed it was Tom's and sure enough he was there when I went in and was dealing with the fridge.
We shook hands and I introduced Nerd who kind of puffed up and made a stupid joke about beating Tom's ass over funny business but tbh the second I met Tom I got pretty OK vibes. But I guess well maybe I shouldn't trust it but really he was ok.
We went separately through the place and I spent most of my time in my "room" which was just a corner of the living room with a curtain tbh but my stuff was there so I packed it into garbage bags I brought. Kinda got flashbacks of packing as a kid which felt... weird tbh. 🙃
It also didn't help that Tom was kind of weird. Like not in a bad way but he would curse and mutter to himself when he found something gross or messed up like bad food, Luke's collection of drug stuff, that kind of thing. But then he would also tell me and Nerd what to do and where to put trash vs other stuff, but ALSO like... acted like he didn't want to touch anything himself? Like super cautious.
He also asked me stuff about my life here and how things were and what me and Luke did together, and I answered what I was comfortable with but he still kept apologizing and telling me he didn't want to know my personal stuff. Like it wasn't bad weird like I said but I think he was rly uncomfortable. He did pull me aside in the bathroom and asked if Luke ever hurt me and I was able to answer honestly and say no, he never even treated me that bad. But when I said that he kind of scoffed and muttered "that bad" like sarcastically and seemed mad so seriously it was. Weird. But idk if I were Tom I'd probably be pretty messed up about all of this so.
I insisted to help clean and Tom went to take the trash out. Nerd said he had to go soon bc he had an exam he had to study for and I said he could go and promised I'd be ok because I didn't get a bad vibe from Tom and Nerd admitted Tom seemed ok too. So he left but told me to call if I needed him bc he wouldn't be SUPER busy.
After saying goodbye I kind of asked Tom after a while what was going on with Luke. I just needed to know I guess? I don't know, I felt a lot of emotion being back there. Like I felt the love for him again and wished he was ok but Tom didn't tell me anything yet about where he was or how he was just that he was alive and reported found to police.
So... Luke's in rehab on the island. Tom talked to him in the hospital after he detoxed and said he explained the situation that happened. Apparently Luke broke down sobbing when he told him how he killed Peanut, and said the words: "I killed Peanut. I killed Peatie." Tom started crying while telling me this and tbh I cried too. I thanked Tom for being there bc Tom said he held him and comforted him and after all the hugs I got after Peanut and how that helped I'm just glad Luke got that too.
But yeah, so Tom told Luke it was time to get it together and Luke agreed. Tom seems hopeful it'll stick "this time," which he explained their original falling out was bc Luke lied to Tom about being sober after Tom put him through rehab once before. I really hope it will too and I am glad he has Tom to help him and pay for rehab bc it's not cheap especially those private places on the island but apparently the first time it failed it was in one of those cheap places in the DTES and Tom told me since he's been running programs there he's seen firsthand how those places are run and says the private is worth the money. Which I think is sad bc so many people are poor and need help too but it's complicated ig.
Tom offered me a ride home and I accepted. He told me before we got into the car that it would be ok if I wanted to text a picture of his license plate and car and ID to a safe person and I didn't even consider that so I felt kind of stupid but I did do that stuff and texted my boss and told her we were leaving. But tbh I wasn't worried. Tom seemed so nice and he gave me so much closure on what happened with Luke and knowing he's in good hands with someone that seems really sweet and put together makes me feel better about all the choices I made and also makes me feel like Peanut's loss has more meaning.
When I got home Tom introduced himself to my boss briefly and then we went in. She asked how everything went and I told her everything I wrote out here except I started crying hard and she cuddled me and told me to take it slow. But unlike other times I've cried since Peanut passed, that cry felt different. Like I was weak and emptied out, but not emptied out of all the good things, more like emptied out of the heavy things to make room for even more. And I haven't cried since. Not over Luke, and not over Peanut.
So I'm doing ok. Me and Tom met up twice more to clean the suite and I joined him for the inspection yesterday with the landlord. It felt good to leave that on a good note too, because the landlord let me move in back in fall which he didn't have to do especially with Peanut, and always treated us well. He told me that even though I wasn't an official tenant I could use him as a reference.
After the inspection yesterday Tom took me, my boss, boss' husband, and their daughter for dinner at a REALLY nice place which we all said was unnecessary but he insisted. He said really nice things to me about how he's grateful I tried so hard to take care of Luke and knows personally how difficult it is to love him. He promised me that nothing was my fault and that I can let it go now because he's going to take care of him and I should focus on moving forward into adulthood without any burdens. Idk maybe you had to be there but the way he said it was like... maybe I'm reading too much into it but it was like he was really specifically saying this stuff for Luke's sake or bc Luke hurt me and he felt like he had to make up to me? But it was nice either way.
Oh and I reconnected with a few of my old friends from high school!! The ones who I had a bad falling out with over Luke and my bad choices. My one friend Taylor reached out to me after I made my story on May 22nd a selfie of me reading that 'why does he do that' book and saying "1 month single 🙏" I guess a mutual mentioned it to Taylor and she added my number on sc again.
It's only kinda been small talk and stuff so far, but I've been trying to be really nice and I'm waiting for it to come up to take accountability for my bad treatment of the friend group but I'm thinking maybe I should say something first bc no one is bringing it up? Idk, if anyonr has advice I would appreciate it a lot bc I really want to be so much better than I am and I was and everything. For Peanut, but also for me.
This is the last update I'll post bc honestly it feels like things are mostly sorted out and I can't help but feel like I'm wasting people's time. 💀 But thanks again everyone and for those who wanted an update I hope you enjoy this freaking novel...

I am happy for everyone here who continues to find and receive some amazing figs, but I do have serious Target envy. My nearest Target / BB are an hour away, and no matter how many phone calls and drives I make, I come up empty-handed, and it always seems there are McFarlane collectors who have been there first. I do have a local WM, but all I see are empty pegs with an occasional zombie Nightwing. It’s frustrating.
As a result, I’m left to online ordering amidst the possibility of cancelled orders, unfulfilled stock, etc, and I’ve wound up ordering multiple figs on some occasions from various retailers - Starfire, Ambush Bug, AzBats, The Atom, etc.
As orders are starting to be fulfilled, I’m going to wind up with duplicate figs - I may be able to still cancel the pre-order or I can return them, but I’m also quite grateful to this group, and would be happy to sell for retail + shipping to anyone who might be after one of them.
Is there any interest here in me offering them up when the time comes instead of cancelling / returning?
Thanks for reading, and if there’s any interest, please say so.

I’m 29. I’ve been in corporate America for 6 years. This is my 3rd job, which I’ve had for 2 and a half years. The first year in this position I came in motivated and worked hard. Learned how everyone on my team works, and how to be the top performer. Everyone else in my department is a level above me in pay (20k or so). Did more than any of them that year, and got a 3% raise.
Second year, I did way less work. I was totally demotivated after arguing with my boss about why I’m being paid so much less than my peers, even though I objectively did more than them, including coming up with several projects that saved our business hundreds of thousands of dollars. I still did my job and got a 6% raise. I spent most of that year job searching, getting interviews, and either getting turned down or getting an offer I wasn’t satisfied with. I work from home for the most part, and haven’t been offered a package with enough pay, vacation, or general flexibility that made sense to take yet.
This third year, it’s been awful. Workload is at an all time high. I work 50-60 hours a week and it’s never enough. My coworkers are bogged down, in poor moods, and don’t help. I dread my 1 on 1s with my boss because she always has an awful attitude and is never helpful or complimentary. She has no perspective about how deadlines work and how unrealistic the expectations are that she and her bosses set. And it’s because her life is this job. Anytime I’ve tried to push back and give her constructive criticism about how she operates, she has a little freak out for herself. We complete surveys on her every year and whenever she sees that someone gave her a less than perfect rating, she’ll basically threaten the team.
At this point, I’m done. I make good money sure, but my mental and physical health is deteriorating from this job. Thankfully I have no debt, have minimal monthly expenses, and very solid savings/investments right now since I live at home and basically just pay rent to my parents. Pretty soon I’m likely going to quit on no notice and let myself breathe for like a month, and go from there. The job market sucks right now, but I can’t do this much longer.
Quiet quitting is an option, and the better one when I remove my emotions from this. It’s almost impossible to quiet quit this job since you get one week deadlines to complete a project that takes 30 hours to do, while having 2 or sometimes 3 at the same time. And if deadlines aren’t met, you’ll end up on a PIP at best.
TLDR; corporate America has already sucked a significant part of my soul, and I’ve had enough.

I am filing chapter 7. My meeting with the trustee is 7/3. I received a job offer making more money. IF the employer is willing to wait, how long do I have to wait to start the new job after 7/3 meeting? Do I have to wait after the official discharge?
If I start 7/8 - will the trustee know? I really hate to miss this opportunity 😞 but I also don’t want to screw anything up with this bankruptcy.

Prequel (Chapters 1 to 16)
1. Rise of a Valkyrie
First ¦ Previous ¦ Royal Road ¦ Patreon
When Kayla awoke, she found herself curled up on a couch in the Banshee’s infirmary. In the nearest bed, Thandi appeared to be sleeping peacefully. Across from her, Yak was hooked up to several scary looking tubes, but her vitals looked stable. Most of the rest of the beds were also filled. Another successful Valkyrie operation, Kayla thought, bitterly.
She didn’t remember the trip back from the planet. She did remember being told that nobody had found any sign of Rayker, and that memory kindled a little of the rage that never burned out. They had been through a nightmare for nothing.
“I wondered how long you would be asleep,” a voice said.
Kayla turned to see Christie sat on the end of her couch. Her friend seemed to be weighed down by sadness as she put aside the tablet she was typing on and smiled back at her.
“Wha— uh…” Kayla managed, as her stiff tongue flapped helplessly. She yawned and stretched.
“Twenty-three wounded in total,” Christie said. “Thandi will walk again in a week. Yak’s going to be in a coma for the next month. Fortunately, nothing struck her vital organs. And, by the way, one of the Raider squads was also involved in a friendly fire incident.”
Kayla focused on her, then looked away. “Jesus,” she said to herself. “God dammit.”
“Thandi wouldn’t like that,” Christie scolded. “Heathen.”
Kayla stood up and began to pace slowly as she wrapped her arms around herself. “I can’t believe I—”
“I’m going to stop you right there,” Christie said, “because you’ve been asleep for about ten hours. In the interim, I was able to speak with several Rangers about what happened. It was not your fault. Not entirely.”
Kayla shook her head. “Yes, it was. Oh, God, yes it was. I should have seen them, I should have had a stronger optic, I should have—”
“Corporal Rudaski misread her map. So did the leader of second squad. You were both actually in hall hotel-four. The base was constructed in a circular pattern of radially linked zones, orbiting a central facility. It’s a highly abstract layout that we have never seen before. Most Ranger battalions have spent the last several centuries clearing logical, grid-like layouts in ships and bunkers. Under fire, it is easy to see how confusion caused units to lose track of their positions as they advanced. Most of the platoons did, actually, at one point or another. And, in my opinion, we did not have anything like the troop numbers needed to comfortably secure that site. A consequence, no doubt, of Valkyrie’s failure to prepare and train for large scale deployments, for which there has been no requirement in at least a millennia, so they tell me.”
Kayla turned to her with a puzzled expression. “You figured all that out already?”
“I’m drafting a report on the matter. I can’t sleep, you see, because the flaws of this operation stem entirely from the task force’s desire to follow Rayker until she discovered the tracker. We found it in the central command chamber. It was sealed in a wrapping of fat and muscle tissue, which she obviously cut out of herself hours before the tamper alarm sensed the toxins of cell decay. She left it there for us to find. To taunt us, no doubt.”
Christie yawned deeply, stood up and brushed her sweater off. “Do you see, Kayla, that the intelligence team were making decisions based off of my actions on Ambrosia, when I planted that device?” She smiled bitterly. “And I had the arrogance to think I was outwitting the woman. So, in a way, it’s my fault.”
Kayla swallowed and slowly shook her head. Then she grabbed her friend and held her in a tight hug. “War sucks,” she said. “Everything about it is awful.”
“I agree. Nevertheless, we are drawn to it, like moths to a flame perhaps?”
Kayla released her and collapsed into the couch. “When I slept, I had a dream. I was in Plato’s cave, but I got free. Outside there was a dragon, burning everything in sight. The world was covered in ash, and the puppets casting shadows were dead bodies,” She wiped moisture out of her eye. “He said, ‘come out and play, little girl’.”
Christie nodded. “We were lucky nobody was killed today. Rayker will certainly cost us more blood before we manage to catch her. She could have set up a much stronger defense than a battalion of light combat drones, but she didn’t.”
Kayla reached into her pocket and found her necklace. She placed it over her head and ran a thumb over the engraved name.
She looked back at Christie. “Why not?”
“The freighter the Sirène caught was carrying several large combat walkers, produced by that plant. A deep space survey revealed that a second freighter had jumped away earlier. No doubt Rayker’s escape—she seems to have plotted a course opposite the star from where we stopped at the minefield. There seems to be no question that she had the main force of those machines with her.”
“Any idea where they went?”
Christie turned away to retrieve her tablet. “Not yet, unfortunately.”
“May the saints have mercy,” said a voice, “if a shot up woman cannot get a wink of sleep with all the talking in here.”
Kayla whirled around to see Thandi, sitting up in her bed. She darted over and grabbed her into a bearhug.
“I’m really sorry I got you shot,” she said.
“Yeah,” Thandi said looking pleased with herself. “And to apologize, you’ll be fetching me chocolate cake from the mess until I get out of here.” She lowered her voice. “Seriously though, Kayla, I need you. The food is terrible.”
Kayla chuckled. “You can count on me.”
“How are you feeling, wonder woman?”
“Oh, uh… not that wonderful to be honest.”
“Leaping tall structures in a single bound?” Thandi grinned admiringly at her. “You had a bit of a superhero moment.”
Kayla raised her eyebrows. “I tore half the muscles in my body. It was definitely not awesome.”
“Sure looked like it. I don’t even know how you do stuff like that. The Lord moved you.”
Christie cleared her throat and gave Thandi a significant look.
Thandi rolled her eyes. “It’s a compliment—I’m not diminishing what you did.”
Kayla returned her cheerful gaze with a flat expression. She had felt like everyone she cared about was about to die. Like her soul had been lit on fire, and the only way to put it out had been to move like a lightning bolt. It was not something she ever wanted to experience again.
“I was on probation for the incident on Ambrosia,” she reminded Thandi. “I will definitely be dropped back to private from now on.”
“Oh,” Thandi’s sparkling eyes darkened. “Well, that sucks. I hope they don’t. You straight up saved us all from an ambush at the start of that firefight. And the illume drone—you made lots of good calls down there.”
Kayla shook her head. “I shouldn’t be a team leader. I keep losing control. I can’t let… I don’t respond well when any of you are in danger.”
Thandi grabbed her hand, and squeezed it. “What happens to us is not up to you, my dear. It’s in God’s hands alone.”
Kayla didn’t know what to say. She wasn’t sure if she could accept that.
“How’s the pain?” Christie asked.
“Oh,” Thandi said and waved her hand. “Nothing too severe. I think of how Rose would be responding, and I know I can handle anything.”
Christie nodded silently.
“She speaks to me, in my dreams. She tells me how proud she is of us.” Thandi glanced at Kayla. “She says you are a true leader.”
Kayla turned away, unable to keep her eyes from tearing up.
“Will you be up in time for the merger?” Christie asked.
“On crutches maybe,” Thandi said. “But I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I can’t imagine anything more glorious.”
“What’s that?” Kayla asked before slowly turning back.
“The Banshee is returning to Tyr,” Christie explained. “On the way back, we have been tasked with collecting a probe that was observing a binary star merger. We will have the opportunity to observe the event live.”
“Whatever,” Kayla said with an eye roll. She was a little offended that their task force had been assigned a science project after what had happened. “Nerd stuff, right?”
Christie laughed, and met Thandi’s eyes with a smirk. “If you say so.”
Thandi shifted against her pillows. “How is the mood of the ship?” she said to Christie. “Are people still angry?”
“What do you mean?” Kayla cut in.
Thandi glanced back and forth between them. “You didn’t tell her?”
Christie waved a dismissive hand. “Oh, but with all that’s happening I didn’t think it pertinent. Why add to our already substantial burdens?”
“What’s going on?” Kayla demanded, and felt her hair stand on end.
Christie smiled tightly. “ODT Four seized the freighter and searched it thoroughly. No evidence of Rayker, as I said.”
“Yeah? And?”
“Well, they found a false compartment in one of the holds. And there were a pair of young teenagers inside. A boy and a girl.”
“In rags, and chained up,” Thandi added.
Kayla realized her jaw had clenched. She felt her skin crawl with a new kind of horror. “Oh my God,” she said, then glanced at Thandi. “Sorry.”
“In this case you get a dispensation.”
“Obviously,” Christie continued, “the pour souls will be returned to their families. A terrible situation.”
Kayla’s mind buzzed with questions. “What is—uh… where was it from? The ship?”
“Intaba,” Thandi said sullenly. “A VennZech registered vessel. Justice cannot come swiftly enough for the demon scum who perpetrated this evil on my homeworld…” she frowned as she lost her words, and clenched her fists together.
“Do you think Valkyrie will start interdicting their ships?” Kayla asked.
“No,” Christie said. “Hence the angry mood. It is a problem the organization has faced since humanity took to the stars. The chieftains have resolutely refused to address it. Our mission statement is to protect humanity, not interfere with their conduct. Frankly I have to agree with them, though I appear to be in the minority.”
Kayla stared at her incredulously. “But that’s bullshit,” she said. “How can you be okay with letting something like that go?”
Christie arched an eyebrow. “A secret army of super soldiers, with access to civilization destroying technology, and who answer—as far as we know—to nobody but themselves? The very thought of interfering gives me an existential crisis. However tragic the situation, it seems obvious that we must maintain our distance.”
Kayla shook her head. She already felt hot anger driving her to act. How could such monsters be allowed to walk freely in a just galaxy?
“All that it takes for evil to succeed—” Thandi began.
“Please can we not continue this conversation?” Christie snapped. “I’ve had enough of being insulted by some of my colleagues. I don’t want it from my friends too.”
Kayla exchanged looks with Thandi, but she owed her best friend the space she wanted.
“I promise, I won’t bring it up again, Chris,” she said.
***
Kayla ate in the ship’s mess then returned to her bunk, where the rest of the squad were waiting. They were talking in somber tones, but fell silent when she approached.
Kes stood up and beckoned to her. “Platoon ready room, this way.”
Once shut away in privacy, Kes sat her down and they retraced every event that had occurred inside the base. Every decision was picked apart minutely, with no judgement or grievance allowed.
“I needed us to go through this as soon as possible,” she explained. “This will sit with you for the rest of your life. We all made mistakes, but nobody should feel incriminated. I have been through five blue on blue incidents. This shit just happens, and I guarantee it will happen to you again in the future.”
Kayla felt a little relief as she spoke with her squad leader and found that she was neither alone, nor justified in hating herself. They had been moving quickly through a confusing environment, making a deadly situation much more likely.
“One last thing, though,” Kes added somberly. “Private Voigt from second squad fired the burst that hit Yak and Thandi. She is being removed from the battalion. By her own account, she returned Yak’s fire without any kind of communication with her team leader, or any attempt to check the position of friendlies. That was a major SOP violation when she knew they were expecting to move in our direction.”
Kayla absorbed this with shock. She couldn’t argue with it; after all, what good was a Ranger who couldn’t do her job? And didn’t that mean that the same punishment should apply to her?
She cleared her throat. Terror gnawed at her insides as Kes stared at her expectantly.
“I lost control again,” Kayla said.
“Yup,” Kes said, and rubbed her eyes with obvious frustration. “And this time, your actions swiftly ended a dangerous firefight following a terrible accident. Yak got immediate medical attention because of that. On the other hand, you put yourself in a position to be killed or wounded where no-one could help you.”
There was a long pause while the corporal appeared to search a distant horizon. “You don’t need a lecture, and Akane can’t make a decision on you. Yak was my next choice for Lance Corporal, but she’s out of action, along with a bunch of others. Together with this Rayker shitshow, it is not the time to be shuffling people around.”
Kayla’s brow furrowed “What about Ray?”
“Oh,” Kes ran a hand through her hair. “Every time I’ve offered it, she’s refused. Anyway, we’ve already been told by Captain Aguilar to expect a new private out of Ranger school once we return to Tyr.”
“Yes, Corporal,” Kayla said, unsure what to think about the decision.
“I’ve seen you make good decisions in the field. But I will push to replace you when the opportunity comes up again.” Kes narrowed her eyes. “Unless you can show me I’m wrong before that happens.”
Kayla left the room with her head spinning. She was keeping her job, even though she obviously didn’t have what it took to lead Rangers in combat.
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Prequel (Chapters 1 to 16)
1. Rise of a Valkyrie

My (47M) daughter Amy (19F) recently got out of a relationship with her long-term boyfriend Luke. She had dated him since her sophomore year of high school. Their relationship was almost like that of a high school romance movie. They began dating in October or November of their sophomore year. They had their first kiss during their high school winter dance. They could have kissed before, but my daughter wanted to have it during the dance. If you're wondering how I know this, it's because it was all she talked about for the week after. She spent the next week gushing about how magical it was, saying it was "straight out of a movie."
Last year, my daughter graduated high school. She decided to take a gap year to save up money to pay for college. She also moved out into an apartment with Luke. I told her that my wife and I would allow her to continue living at home rent-free and even offered to let Luke move in so they could focus on saving money without having to worry about rent or bills. She said no and that it was time for her and Luke to live together and be independent.
At first, everything seemed to be going well. They found a fairly cheap apartment near us, and a friend of hers was able to get her a job as a waitress at a nice restaurant frequented by rich people. So, with tips, she was making well over minimum wage, and everything seemed peachy. Last October, during a phone call, my daughter revealed that everything wasn't as great as it seemed. She said that living on her own wasn't going like she thought it would. They hadn't saved as much money for college as they initially planned, having to pay rent and bills. She also mentioned that she was so tired since she was working and doing most of the chores around their apartment. I asked if Luke was helping. She said he was, but that he was working extra shifts to save money, so she was the one doing most of the chores. I offered to let her move back home, and she said that she had already suggested that to Luke, and he had said no.
Then, in December, she said that she had only managed to save up three thousand dollars for college. I told her to save what she could, and I would cover the rest. This April, my daughter showed up at our house crying. She said she was pregnant. She and Luke initially planned to abort, but she couldn't go through with it. She and Luke got into an argument over her refusal, and Luke slapped her during the argument. According to our daughter, he immediately apologized, but the damage was done, and she left her apartment sobbing. She took an Uber since she couldn't drive. We asked if she wanted to press charges for assault, and she said no. We respected her wishes and allowed her to move in with us. My son (22M) and I showed up to get her things from her apartment. Luke was there and allowed us in. We took her things and left without issue, though before we left, Luke tried to get us to tell my daughter that he loves her still and is sorry for hitting her her brother responded by saying if he ever saw luke again or came near his sister he would kill him.
Since then, my daughter has been a mess. She spends most of her time in her room sleeping, watching TV, or reading. She says she feels like she wasted the last four years of her life she spent with him. And before anyone ask yes we have offerd to get her counseling. she declined. She starts college next year. She applied to a local commuter college since she planned to keep living with Luke. We are allowing her to live at home while she goes there. I think it might be good for her to get a job, to get her out of the house and also to keep saving money. My wife thinks we should keep supporting her until after she gets over Luke and after she gives birth.
So, WIBTA?

Prequel (Parts 1 to 16)
1. Rise of a Valkyrie
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When Kayla awoke, she found herself curled up on a couch in the Banshee’s infirmary. In the nearest bed, Thandi appeared to be sleeping peacefully. Across from her, Yak was hooked up to several scary looking tubes, but her vitals looked stable. Most of the rest of the beds were also filled. Another successful Valkyrie operation, Kayla thought, bitterly.
She didn’t remember the trip back from the planet. She did remember being told that nobody had found any sign of Rayker, and that memory kindled a little of the rage that never burned out. They had been through a nightmare for nothing.
“I wondered how long you would be asleep,” a voice said.
Kayla turned to see Christie sat on the end of her couch. Her friend seemed to be weighed down by sadness as she put aside the tablet she was typing on and smiled back at her.
“Wha— uh…” Kayla managed, as her stiff tongue flapped helplessly. She yawned and stretched.
“Twenty-three wounded in total,” Christie said. “Thandi will walk again in a week. Yak’s going to be in a coma for the next month. Fortunately, nothing struck her vital organs. And, by the way, one of the Raider squads was also involved in a friendly fire incident.”
Kayla focused on her, then looked away. “Jesus,” she said to herself. “God dammit.”
“Thandi wouldn’t like that,” Christie scolded. “Heathen.”
Kayla stood up and began to pace slowly as she wrapped her arms around herself. “I can’t believe I—”
“I’m going to stop you right there,” Christie said, “because you’ve been asleep for about ten hours. In the interim, I was able to speak with several Rangers about what happened. It was not your fault. Not entirely.”
Kayla shook her head. “Yes, it was. Oh, God, yes it was. I should have seen them, I should have had a stronger optic, I should have—”
“Corporal Rudaski misread her map. So did the leader of second squad. You were both actually in hall hotel-four. The base was constructed in a circular pattern of radially linked zones, orbiting a central facility. It’s a highly abstract layout that we have never seen before. Most Ranger battalions have spent the last several centuries clearing logical, grid-like layouts in ships and bunkers. Under fire, it is easy to see how confusion caused units to lose track of their positions as they advanced. Most of the platoons did, actually, at one point or another. And, in my opinion, we did not have anything like the troop numbers needed to comfortably secure that site. A consequence, no doubt, of Valkyrie’s failure to prepare and train for large scale deployments, for which there has been no requirement in at least a millennia, so they tell me.”
Kayla turned to her with a puzzled expression. “You figured all that out already?”
“I’m drafting a report on the matter. I can’t sleep, you see, because the flaws of this operation stem entirely from the task force’s desire to follow Rayker until she discovered the tracker. We found it in the central command chamber. It was sealed in a wrapping of fat and muscle tissue, which she obviously cut out of herself hours before the tamper alarm sensed the toxins of cell decay. She left it there for us to find. To taunt us, no doubt.”
Christie yawned deeply, stood up and brushed her sweater off. “Do you see, Kayla, that the intelligence team were making decisions based off of my actions on Ambrosia, when I planted that device?” She smiled bitterly. “And I had the arrogance to think I was outwitting the woman. So, in a way, it’s my fault.”
Kayla swallowed and slowly shook her head. Then she grabbed her friend and held her in a tight hug. “War sucks,” she said. “Everything about it is awful.”
“I agree. Nevertheless, we are drawn to it, like moths to a flame perhaps?”
Kayla released her and collapsed into the couch. “When I slept, I had a dream. I was in Plato’s cave, but I got free. Outside there was a dragon, burning everything in sight. The world was covered in ash, and the puppets casting shadows were dead bodies,” She wiped moisture out of her eye. “He said, ‘come out and play, little girl’.”
Christie nodded. “We were lucky nobody was killed today. Rayker will certainly cost us more blood before we manage to catch her. She could have set up a much stronger defense than a battalion of light combat drones, but she didn’t.”
Kayla reached into her pocket and found her necklace. She placed it over her head and ran a thumb over the engraved name.
She looked back at Christie. “Why not?”
“The freighter the Sirène caught was carrying several large combat walkers, produced by that plant. A deep space survey revealed that a second freighter had jumped away earlier. No doubt Rayker’s escape—she seems to have plotted a course opposite the star from where we stopped at the minefield. There seems to be no question that she had the main force of those machines with her.”
“Any idea where they went?”
Christie turned away to retrieve her tablet. “Not yet, unfortunately.”
“May the saints have mercy,” said a voice, “if a shot up woman cannot get a wink of sleep with all the talking in here.”
Kayla whirled around to see Thandi, sitting up in her bed. She darted over and grabbed her into a bearhug.
“I’m really sorry I got you shot,” she said.
“Yeah,” Thandi said looking pleased with herself. “And to apologize, you’ll be fetching me chocolate cake from the mess until I get out of here.” She lowered her voice. “Seriously though, Kayla, I need you. The food is terrible.”
Kayla chuckled. “You can count on me.”
“How are you feeling, wonder woman?”
“Oh, uh… not that wonderful to be honest.”
“Leaping tall structures in a single bound?” Thandi grinned admiringly at her. “You had a bit of a superhero moment.”
Kayla raised her eyebrows. “I tore half the muscles in my body. It was definitely not awesome.”
“Sure looked like it. I don’t even know how you do stuff like that. The Lord moved you.”
Christie cleared her throat and gave Thandi a significant look.
Thandi rolled her eyes. “It’s a compliment—I’m not diminishing what you did.”
Kayla returned her cheerful gaze with a flat expression. She had felt like everyone she cared about was about to die. Like her soul had been lit on fire, and the only way to put it out had been to move like a lightning bolt. It was not something she ever wanted to experience again.
“I was on probation for the incident on Ambrosia,” she reminded Thandi. “I will definitely be dropped back to private from now on.”
“Oh,” Thandi’s sparkling eyes darkened. “Well, that sucks. I hope they don’t. You straight up saved us all from an ambush at the start of that firefight. And the illume drone—you made lots of good calls down there.”
Kayla shook her head. “I shouldn’t be a team leader. I keep losing control. I can’t let… I don’t respond well when any of you are in danger.”
Thandi grabbed her hand, and squeezed it. “What happens to us is not up to you, my dear. It’s in God’s hands alone.”
Kayla didn’t know what to say. She wasn’t sure if she could accept that.
“How’s the pain?” Christie asked.
“Oh,” Thandi said and waved her hand. “Nothing too severe. I think of how Rose would be responding, and I know I can handle anything.”
Christie nodded silently.
“She speaks to me, in my dreams. She tells me how proud she is of us.” Thandi glanced at Kayla. “She says you are a true leader.”
Kayla turned away, unable to keep her eyes from tearing up.
“Will you be up in time for the merger?” Christie asked.
“On crutches maybe,” Thandi said. “But I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I can’t imagine anything more glorious.”
“What’s that?” Kayla asked before slowly turning back.
“The Banshee is returning to Tyr,” Christie explained. “On the way back, we have been tasked with collecting a probe that was observing a binary star merger. We will have the opportunity to observe the event live.”
“Whatever,” Kayla said with an eye roll. She was a little offended that their task force had been assigned a science project after what had happened. “Nerd stuff, right?”
Christie laughed, and met Thandi’s eyes with a smirk. “If you say so.”
Thandi shifted against her pillows. “How is the mood of the ship?” she said to Christie. “Are people still angry?”
“What do you mean?” Kayla cut in.
Thandi glanced back and forth between them. “You didn’t tell her?”
Christie waved a dismissive hand. “Oh, but with all that’s happening I didn’t think it pertinent. Why add to our already substantial burdens?”
“What’s going on?” Kayla demanded, and felt her hair stand on end.
Christie smiled tightly. “ODT Four seized the freighter and searched it thoroughly. No evidence of Rayker, as I said.”
“Yeah? And?”
“Well, they found a false compartment in one of the holds. And there were a pair of young teenagers inside. A boy and a girl.”
“In rags, and chained up,” Thandi added.
Kayla realized her jaw had clenched. She felt her skin crawl with a new kind of horror. “Oh my God,” she said, then glanced at Thandi. “Sorry.”
“In this case you get a dispensation.”
“Obviously,” Christie continued, “the pour souls will be returned to their families. A terrible situation.”
Kayla’s mind buzzed with questions. “What is—uh… where was it from? The ship?”
“Intaba,” Thandi said sullenly. “A VennZech registered vessel. Justice cannot come swiftly enough for the demon scum who perpetrated this evil on my homeworld…” she frowned as she lost her words, and clenched her fists together.
“Do you think Valkyrie will start interdicting their ships?” Kayla asked.
“No,” Christie said. “Hence the angry mood. It is a problem the organization has faced since humanity took to the stars. The chieftains have resolutely refused to address it. Our mission statement is to protect humanity, not interfere with their conduct. Frankly I have to agree with them, though I appear to be in the minority.”
Kayla stared at her incredulously. “But that’s bullshit,” she said. “How can you be okay with letting something like that go?”
Christie arched an eyebrow. “A secret army of super soldiers, with access to civilization destroying technology, and who answer—as far as we know—to nobody but themselves? The very thought of interfering gives me an existential crisis. However tragic the situation, it seems obvious that we must maintain our distance.”
Kayla shook her head. She already felt hot anger driving her to act. How could such monsters be allowed to walk freely in a just galaxy?
“All that it takes for evil to succeed—” Thandi began.
“Please can we not continue this conversation?” Christie snapped. “I’ve had enough of being insulted by some of my colleagues. I don’t want it from my friends too.”
Kayla exchanged looks with Thandi, but she owed her best friend the space she wanted.
“I promise, I won’t bring it up again, Chris,” she said.
***
Kayla ate in the ship’s mess then returned to her bunk, where the rest of the squad were waiting. They were talking in somber tones, but fell silent when she approached.
Kes stood up and beckoned to her. “Platoon ready room, this way.”
Once shut away in privacy, Kes sat her down and they retraced every event that had occurred inside the base. Every decision was picked apart minutely, with no judgement or grievance allowed.
“I needed us to go through this as soon as possible,” she explained. “This will sit with you for the rest of your life. We all made mistakes, but nobody should feel incriminated. I have been through five blue on blue incidents. This shit just happens, and I guarantee it will happen to you again in the future.”
Kayla felt a little relief as she spoke with her squad leader and found that she was neither alone, nor justified in hating herself. They had been moving quickly through a confusing environment, making a deadly situation much more likely.
“One last thing, though,” Kes added somberly. “Private Voigt from second squad fired the burst that hit Yak and Thandi. She is being removed from the battalion. By her own account, she returned Yak’s fire without any kind of communication with her team leader, or any attempt to check the position of friendlies. That was a major SOP violation when she knew they were expecting to move in our direction.”
Kayla absorbed this with shock. She couldn’t argue with it; after all, what good was a Ranger who couldn’t do her job? And didn’t that mean that the same punishment should apply to her?
She cleared her throat. Terror gnawed at her insides as Kes stared at her expectantly.
“I lost control again,” Kayla said.
“Yup,” Kes said, and rubbed her eyes with obvious frustration. “And this time, your actions swiftly ended a dangerous firefight following a terrible accident. Yak got immediate medical attention because of that. On the other hand, you put yourself in a position to be killed or wounded where no-one could help you.”
There was a long pause while the corporal appeared to search a distant horizon. “You don’t need a lecture, and Akane can’t make a decision on you. Yak was my next choice for Lance Corporal, but she’s out of action, along with a bunch of others. Together with this Rayker shitshow, it is not the time to be shuffling people around.”
Kayla’s brow furrowed “What about Ray?”
“Oh,” Kes ran a hand through her hair. “Every time I’ve offered it, she’s refused. Anyway, we’ve already been told by Captain Aguilar to expect a new private out of Ranger school once we return to Tyr.”
“Yes, Corporal,” Kayla said, unsure what to think about the decision.
“I’ve seen you make good decisions in the field. But I will push to replace you when the opportunity comes up again.” Kes narrowed her eyes. “Unless you can show me I’m wrong before that happens.”
Kayla left the room with her head spinning. She was keeping her job, even though she obviously didn’t have what it took to lead Rangers in combat.
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Prequel (Parts 1 to 16)
1. Rise of a Valkyrie

I have so far been up all night as I can’t fall asleep for nothing. I have been stressing so much lately and there is nothing that can ease the stress.. on top of the thoughts of what can happen to the baby long term medical wise from all this stress. It’s honestly so much eating away at me and I just don’t know what to do with these thoughts. I am going to just write away everything that’s been eating away at me.. that is why this is going to be very long as it’s been a lot so far… I got off birth control in December as life was going amazing and it was giving me awful migraines as I was rearing my third year being on nexplanon. I knew that there could be a possibility of getting pregnant and honestly with how life was going the thought of potentially getting our boy as we have two girls right now was really exciting me. I have been working from home and recently got a huge raise and things were looking great. A month after getting off the birth control I started feeling weird, that intuition feeling came. Shortly after, my job that I had been with for almost 3 years randomly lays off a lot of employees including me with no notice or anything. I thought it would be a long term job but they eventually grew financial issues. Of course I didn’t want to abort this baby just because my job laid me off. I am a very independent person so of course I would do anything to make sure me and mine are straight. I start back doordashing full time from 9 am to 9 pm and I stay an hour from the nearest city so the stress of wear and tear on my car has always scared me but you gotta do what you gotta do as a parent. Of course they say I’m eligible for unemployment and I’ve tried endless times to file for it and they always denied me due to work searches as I wasn’t applying to the right places when I was applying EVERYWHERE. No matter what I put. Every week would get denied cause of this and the phone number is impossible to reach someone. So I’ve given up on unemployment. We lived off of our tax return plus DoorDashing which I really wanted to save this money. The work search has been so stressful. I got a seasonal job and did amazing at it working up to 18 hours overtime one day but they over hired people so there was way to many people to consider hiring everyone full time so once it ended less then a month of working there that was it. Until I got a call from my dream job which my mom and my bf mom both work there and it pays way higher then what I’ve made on top of providing a hybrid schedule too. I felt it was a stretch applying but my resume looked really good so I went for it. I got an interview with them and the interviewer loved me and said he felt really confident in me and would like to offer me the position. Of course I’m overly excited cause this is my dream job. After filling out the onboarding and going to scheduled onboarding appointments they state there was only one issue stopping my onboarding which was a previous account with them that had restrictions on it that I was not aware of. I trusted the wrong “friends” back in high school 7 YEARS AGO with my personal information not knowing any better and they did fraud with my information and of course it fell back on me. I even paid back every owed penny from the fraud to clear my name to move on from that mistake. They never told me they also proceeded to put restrictions cause of it. So my onboarding was put on hold until I handled the restrictions. Fast forward a month later of struggling making ends meet. We have no more income tax money.. but at least I finally receive a response saying the restrictions would be removed. So finally we receive great news. I let the people know and they proceed to let me know that someone will reach out to me in 5-7 days and it has now surpassed that time frame with no response and I am just so scared that they won’t follow through.. It is now June and I have been struggling to get a full time job since February and I am holding onto the little ounce of hope that this job will follow through like they said… Holding onto that ounce of hope as doordash grew very stressful I decided to pull all of my retirement out from my previous job to put into savings in case we need it for an emergency especially if the car were to go out on us. on top of our apartment lease renewal coming up. We did NOT want to renew the lease because this apartment has treated us HORRIBLY since we moved in. We came from a clean bug free apartment due to the rent randomly increasing twice since we moved in it and moved 30 minutes to be closer to my OLD job and his family. We moved into this apartment because I had a work friend refer it to me saying it was her first apartment and she fell in love with it. Not knowing we were going to get the worst apartment building probably out of the whole complex. Since we moved in we could not look at the apartment until after the lease was signed and given the keys. We moved ONE box into the place and came back days later to move the rest of our stuff. We moved that box and SO MANY roaches scattered from it and we knew instantly we got played and that now all of our things were going to be roach infested now. Fast forward almost a whole year later we have tried endless methods to get rid of them such as boric acid, orthene, endless traps, endless raid bottles, ONTOP of the apartment buildings monthly pest control coming in doing whatever they do and WE STILL HAVE THEM. No matter what we do they are not leaving as I believe even tho we try different methods it won’t matter if everyone else in the building aren’t trying to get rid of them. They are probably being constantly rotated between the other apartments around us so it’s useless. I DO NOT WANT TO BRING MY NEW BORN BABY INTO THIS APARTMENT. On top of all the plugs in the walls has blown in the living room. I let the landlord know about this and they sent there only technician to check it out and they didn’t know what they were doing. They switched the power surge switches on and off and it fixed the plugs but they proceeded to go back out the next day. We haven’t even been there a year and the refrigerator has been tearing up like crazy. The whole bottom of it has ripped off cause apparently the adhesive is so strong when closing and opening that it slowly tore its own frame off. We had to use gorilla glue to glue it back on and it’s so far worked. On top of the rims around the door got so many rips in it. The door holders on the fridge can’t hold anything heavy or else the whole shelf falls off same as the door handles on the freezer so we have to carefully move things around it and put only certain things in those spots or else it’s all going to the floor. The first red flag of the apartment is there are no washer and dryer hook ups and that is honestly the least of our problems with this place.. the bolts on the dish washer are so tiny and unscrewed with time and randomly the whole dish washer completely fell down from being poorly connected to the counter. Whenever you open it to put dishes in you have to hold the racks or else the whole dish washer will fall forward and they will roll out with all the dishes in it. I’m so over this place and we have BEEN ready to move out. So once the 30 days came up I contacted the landlord about the 30 day notice that we were going to move out before the lease renewed. She proceeded to tell me with no emotion that they required a 60 DAY notice in advance prior to our lease end date and that our lease already renewed for another YEAR. She didn’t even try to help us out and did not provide any kind of notice or reminding about the 60 day notice. She just kept repeating that we signed the lease and it is written in the lease. She said if we move out we will be responsible to pay the months rent for each upcoming month until a new tenant moves in and takes over the lease which is very unlikely as they have full control on whether they want to move someone new in or continue to bill us the monthly rent.. So now we are trying to figure out how we are going to work out this New obstacle/road block and I am already halfway through my pregnancy. All of this stress has been eating me alive for the whole beginning of my pregnancy and it ALL came out of the blue. This is not how I pictured being pregnant with my third baby and I feel completely miserable right now. I am struggling doordashing all day just waiting for any kind of good news. We are thinking about ditching this apartment and going to stay with my mom until we find a full time job to afford a new apartment as we just want to start the process of this landlord potentially searching for a new tenant to take this burden off of us. We do not wish to pay two apartment rents as my credit is amazing and I know if they put any of this apartments owed rent when we move out on my collections it will ruin my credit.. we have been growing it for when we are ready to get our first home. So I know not paying it is not an option for me. I’ve just been wishing this ongoing nightmare will finally come to an end and I can finally receive any kind of good news. I was sooo excited about this pregnancy but now I have zero excitement for it as I have been through endless stressing and roadblocks the whole pregnancy so far. I am afraid that this stress and pain will affect the baby long term.. I do not wish to bring this baby into this apartment as I fully wish to be in a new upgraded apartment bug free when the baby comes in October my birthday month.. It’s just super hard holding onto any kind of motivation right now and the pain is slowly eating me up inside.. I just really needed to get all of this off of my chest and hopefully maybe I can finally get some sleep right now. If you read all of this.. thank you for listening and all I can really say is check on your people cause you never know what they could be going through as life can hit so random at times..