Ndad was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma at the end of last year. At the time, I expressed several genuine concerns about the late timing of his diagnosis, as well as his prognosis, treatment plan, and health care provider all based on what I witnessed three years earlier while my late stepfather was being treated for leukemia (which is essentially the sibling of lymphoma) by the same hospital/healthcare system; my stepfather died because of the stem cell transplant they recommended. I suggested a number of things Ndad should just consider, but he dismissed my concerns and berated me, telling me I know nothing, and that he doesn’t need to take advice or anything else from anyone, “especially not his 30-something year old daughter.” I went NC at that point for this and other related reasons.
Fast forward to the present. It sounds like his chemo wasn’t effective and now he, like my stepfather, needs a bone marrow/stem cell transplant. If doctors can’t use his own marrow or stem cells, then they’ll look for a family donor. My mother—his ex-wife twice over—called me and asked if I’d be willing to give a mouth swab sample to see if I’m a match along with my two siblings. I’m on the fence because on the one hand, this man berated me and told me very clearly he needs nothing from me, and yet everything I warned him about has manifested. On the other hand, I hated seeing what my stepfather experienced and would like to honor his memory.
Any tips on what to consider? Whether I should do the sample or set any conditions?

Well, today (first day of Taxol chemo) didn’t go as planned. Within 1-2 minutes of my chemo infusion I started see stars, chest got tight, my husband said I turned beet red. Within seconds there were a ton of doctors and nurses in my room. Got an epi shot and once I stabilized I got moved to Urgent Care for observation. When I was down there my throat started tightening up so I got another epi shot and a ride via ambulance to the ER across the street. I am feeling much better but still at hospital under observation. Just bummed I couldn’t do my treatment. Will find out later from oncologist what the new plan is.

I have been job searching for months and finally heard back with two offers- at the same time. oh the timing..
Some background, im 25, I have ~3 years experience in Marketing. My last role was in adtech which i really did not like as it was more of a tech company and the actual role was very specific into advertising, client facing. I enjoy brand marketing the most working with a specific brand. My career goal is to work within the beauty or fashion Industry in brand marketing or something related.

• Job offer 1: A dream company within the beauty industry, hybrid (~1.5hr commute 3x weekly), role is TEMP for 6 months with no knowledge of if they can extend etc. The actual role is more of an entry level project coordinator role (project management), I would be doing a lot of admin work, scheduling, assigning tasks etc. While it is in the industry I really want, the role responsibilities and day to day is not what I want to progress on within my career for the future, and I am afraid I am romanticizing just the company overall without thinking of the day to day. They have been hiring a lot of temp roles recently as well so I do not think there is as much promise to extend, BUT it would give me a great foot in the door, possibly higher chance to score future roles there within marketing instead.
• Job offer 2: A dream role, but the company is not exactly skincare/cosmetics- they do fall under personal care / grooming still, so within the larger sector of the beauty industry. This role is permanent, full time and remote. The actual role here would be in brand marketing, i would be working on a wide sector of responsibilities with creative campaigns, partnerships/influencer marketing, billboard, events etc. These roles and responsibilities is exactly the career path I think I want to take, i would get a ton of hands on experience and this role is associate level not entry. The company is slightly smaller here so I think i would also get to do more because of that/ have more of a say in things. I like the roles responsibilities, everyone i interviewed with- but the company is not my ideal brand to work for. I think since it is in the personal care industry, this experience could help me to go into brand marketing afterwards for a brand in skincare/beauty directly.

I just do not want to regret or miss my chance on getting an In at the beauty company (offer 1). But i do fear id be stuck in a different career path or be putting in 6 months or not relevant work experience, to be left unemployed. also really worry about after the 6 months, being unemployed. I really am passionate about the beauty industry but im not sure how creative or hands on the project coordination will be into actual beauty. Still really having trouble letting it go as ive thought of it as a "dream brand" for a couple years.
I think i could build my portfolio better at the second role with direct brand marketing, which i also havent had the chance to focus on specifically but have wanted to for long. Wanted to note pay is about the same for both.
Can you guys give me your straight up opinion on which may be the better role for me and my future goals?
TIA! :)

I have been job searching for months and finally heard back with two offers- at the same time. oh the timing..
Some background, im 25, I have ~3 years experience in Marketing. My last role was in adtech which i really did not like as it was more of a tech company and the actual role was very specific into advertising, client facing. I enjoy brand marketing the most working with a specific brand. My career goal is to work within the beauty or fashion Industry in brand marketing or something related.

• Job offer 1: A dream company within the beauty industry, hybrid (~1.5hr commute 3x weekly), role is TEMP for 6 months with no knowledge of if they can extend etc. The actual role is more of an entry level project coordinator role (project management), I would be doing a lot of admin work, scheduling, assigning tasks etc. While it is in the industry I really want, the role responsibilities and day to day is not what I want to progress on within my career for the future, and I am afraid I am romanticizing just the brand overall without thinking of the day to day. They have been hiring a lot of temp roles recently as well so I do not think there is as much promise to extend, BUT it would give me a great foot in the door, possibly higher chance to score future roles there within marketing instead.
• Job offer 2: A dream role, but the company is not exactly skincare/cosmetics- they do fall under personal care / grooming still, so within the larger sector of the beauty industry. This role is permanent, full time and remote. The actual role here would be in brand marketing, i would be working on a wide sector of responsibilities with creative campaigns, partnerships/influencer marketing, billboard, events etc. These roles and responsibilities is exactly the career path I think I want to take, i would get a ton of hands on experience and this role is associate level not entry. The company is slightly smaller here so I think i would also get to do more because of that/ have more of a say in things. I like the roles responsibilities, everyone i interviewed with- but the brand is not my ideal brand to work for. I think since it is in the personal care industry, this experience could help me to go into brand marketing afterwards for a brand in skincare/beauty directly.

I just do not want to regret or miss my chance on getting an In at the beauty company (offer 1). But i do fear id be stuck in a different career path or be putting in 6 months or not relevant work experience. I also really worry about after the 6 months, being unemployed, and ive heard many brands see/treat temp workers differently, i wont be able to really climb any ladder there within the role. I really am passionate about the beauty industry but im not sure how creative or hands on the project coordination will be into actual beauty. Still really having trouble letting it go as ive thought of it as a "dream brand" for a couple years.
I think i could build my portfolio better at the second role with direct brand marketing, which i also havent had the chance to focus on specifically but have wanted to for long. Wanted to note pay is about the same for both.
Can you guys give me your straight up opinion on which may be the better role for me and my future goals? TIA! :)

The prophecy of the Chaotic Carbs

Welcome to Chaotic Carbs, the FC on Exodus where confusion is our strategy & chaos is our game. We're a band of misfits who proudly embrace the fact that we have absolutely no idea what we're doing, but we're having a blast. Our motto? Cluelessness is just another form of creativity.

What We Attempt To Do:

☼ Daily Roulettes: What mechanics? We stumble through daily roulettes with the finesse of a headless Chocobo. Expect lots of wipes, questionable decisions, and endless laughter. If you know what you’re doing, come laugh at us—or better yet, guide us through our epic fails!
☼ Mount and Minion Farms: Need a shiny mount or adorable minion? So do we! Our farming sessions are a glorious mess of missteps. We’ll probably wipe more than once, but that’s part of the fun. If we do get the loot, it’s usually by accident.
☼ Staring Contests: Sometimes, the best activity is doing nothing at all. We have moments where we just gather and stare at each other, pondering the mysteries of Eorzea and admire our glamours. It's as exciting as it sounds!
☼ Eureka and Bozja Adventures: Venture into Eureka & Bozja with us, where we explore the wilds and get lost in the clouds. We may not know the best way to farm crystals, but we’ll certainly have fun. Expect chaotic battles & confused tactics!
☼ Helping New Players: We want to help new players get to know the game... if we knew what we were doing. But don't worry, we'll figure it out together! Our lack of knowledge makes us approachable and relatable.

What do we offer:

☼ Buffs We Don't Understand, 24/7: Need a buff? We’ve got them running 24/7. Do we know what they do? Absolutely not. But who cares? It’s the thought that counts!
☼ Free Company Events: From impromptu dance parties to hide-and-seek games that end in everyone getting lost, our events are as chaotic as they are entertaining. Have an idea for an event? Fantastic! We usually have no clue what we’re doing next, so your ideas are welcome.
☼ Small Bakery in Shirogane: We have a FC bakery in Shirogane that we have absolutely no idea what to do with. It’s a chaotic mess of half-baked ideas and frosting everywhere. But hey, we make a mean cupcake... when we don't burn them.
☼ Veteran Players Offering Chaos Support: Our veteran players are here to offer support to newbies, though we have no idea what we’re doing half the time. Expect chaotic advice and strategies that may or may not work—but we promise it’ll be fun and entertaining!
☼ Active Discord with Two Communities: We have not one, but two communities we are trying to build . Do we know how to manage them? Not really. But join us for chaotic discussions, meme sharing & the occasional attempt at organization.
☼ You should join us!...or don’t, I won’t tell you how to live your life: We’re all about fun, laughter & memes. If you’re not rolling your eyes and laughing, we’re not doing our job right. Success is great, but failing hilariously is even better. Join us and make some of the funniest gaming memories you’ll ever have. Every failure is just a future funny story.

The Chaotic Carb Community:

☼ Check the Community Finder for our FC (Chaotic Carbs) and our Nighttime CWLS (Carbs Afterhours)
☼ Come check out our FC house aka the Carb Cafe ~ Shirogane Ward 5, Plot 57!
☼ We have a discord server setup to stay connected across linkshells and outside of Eorzea. Come join us and others to hang out and enjoy other games too!!

Contact:

Rue L'ette
Bagu Ette

Discord:

Our Discord

this is the only place where i feel i can share my story, and i hope im not alone.
hi everyone, i was homeschooled from 2008 up until 2021 which is the year i graduated. i’m 21 now.
my parents got involved in a religious sect long before they started to homeschool me, but i do believe it’s the main reason why they started to homeschool me because they didn’t want me to be influenced by the outside world and didn’t trust the education system.
i don’t remember most of the education aside from being taught how to read from maybe 6-8 years old? my education has been a blur. i can’t recall if i was ever put in a co-op but i think i was? in 2014-2015 i had to take state tests and i failed all of them. i will never forget me and my siblings walking out of burger king and my mom crying when she found out i had failed. as of recently, i realized that the only reason that i failed those tests was because nothing in those tests matched the curriculum i was being taught. i was doing A.C.E packets if anyone knows what those are. that same year my mom got me a math tutor, and that woman was sent from heaven as she didn’t abandon me, nor shamed me for my issues. she started doing math u see curriculum with me. im a visual learner with math, which makes doing math 10x more difficult. aside from basic addition and subtraction, that’s all i really know. it’s bad enough to where i can’t trust my own brain to do math and have to use a calculator. i was evaluated by the tutor a few times throughout the years and it was very ugly for me at some points. with my parents being brainwashed by the religious sect and me having 3 younger siblings, my education was put on the back burner. i hated doing school work, so naturally i stayed in my room and was on the internet to escape my reality. a lot of the things i know are because of the internet, but academic wise, i hardly know anything it seems. by 2019 the same tutor from 2015 had started a co-op.. or something like that. again, i can’t be certain. the only things i remember doing was math, AP LIT, and some history. like i said, my education is a blur. i was living in a state with no other relatives except for my mom and siblings as my parents had separated and divorced and my dad moved out of state the same year. if im being honest, my household was abusive, and i needed to escape. i did not care about my education as i was suffering and i just couldn’t focus. no child likes school, but i wanted to learn but i just couldn’t function in the environment i was trapped in. this also applies to the same year i graduated as i was planning to get out.
i wasn’t set up for life like the rest of everyone else and it has created a massive insecurity within me. i have zero idea how college works, i dont know how to even apply for it, nor have i ever stepped foot into a public school. this whole thing is extremely foreign to me. due to my academic years being a blur for me, i feel it’s safe to say i have education neglect. the tutor (or teacher?) i considered to be a motherly figure to me as she could see i was not in a good situation but there was only so much she could do, but im still grateful for her. my high school graduation was held at a church and my diploma just looks sketchy to me. i truly do not have a good education and i also suspect learning disabilities. i can’t be certain, but i can assure you if i could change the way my brain functions, i would do so in a heartbeat. i got my drivers license back in november and it took me forever to get. i’m just now realizing how bad this could be for me if i don’t have a future career, but i don’t know where to begin because my prior years of education have simply not been good for me. i have poor memory and my brain feels like a scattered mess. in 2013 my parents considered sending me to public school, but i knew i was doomed. i was only 10. i knew i would be bullied by other kids and i knew i couldn’t survive that. between being bullied by children and my own parents, i chose to put up with my parents. a few months prior to graduating, both me and my tutor discussed possible autism. since graduating and escaping my household, i have learned a lot about the neurodivergent community and can see neurodivergent traits within myself. so not only do i have a poor education and potential learning disabilities, there’s also the potential of me being neurodivergent. both my mom and tutor suspected learning disabilities but i have never been able to be diagnosed.
i’ve been left to fend for myself and a lot of the things i know i have either learned from the internet, or taught myself. i remember being taught grammar and punctuation but i can’t remember what age that was, but in 2016 that’s when i taught myself. for all i know, my punctuation and grammar still probably isn’t the best but that’s due to me being self taught.
i apologize for the long read, as i’m just expressing my past. im currently married and although my husband accepts me, i still worry for myself and my future career due to everything i have expressed. i feel hopeless, scared, and due to being sheltered and the internet being my escape at a young age, im still learning how to operate in the outside world. specifically in work environments, those who haven’t been in my situation can tell something is off with me and that’s due to how i’ve been treated by them. it hurts badly because everyone can see something is wrong, but my own parents failed to take action for me.
my siblings are in public school now, and they all struggle with math, but that seems to be the only thing. everything they know, there is a good chance i don’t know any of it. my sister is 15 and told me she would help me figure out college and it’s so embarrassing to have someone so much younger than me help me out with this stuff. i love my siblings dearly, and they deserve everything good that happens to them as we all suffered together, but they’re also getting the life and education i never got to have. i mentally feel like a child trapped inside a 21 year olds body. i should be in college, getting a degree, being this successful business woman that my mom wanted me to be. no child is capable of doing these things that a 21 year old is capable of. this all has left me with intense shame.
thank you to everyone who took their time to read my story. i hope im not alone.
p.s. i apologize for everything being messy in this. any questions that are asked i will do my best to answer them.

Comedy Cellar is a great date spot.
Just avoid sitting in the front row if you don’t want to be the target of jokes.
Row boats, roller skating, cooking class, pottery class, painting class, mani/pedis, art gallery, concert, volunteer somewhere.
Board game cafes! You could start with The Uncommons.
Look up drink and draw (on Wednesdays) in Williamsburg. Easy enough to get to, and then you can go to Barcade right afterwards.
New York City has inspired some of the most famous romantic comedies of all time, from When Harry Met Sally to Serendipity. So why is it that all too often, we fall back on the less-than-novel dinner and drinks date? Sure, we New Yorkers have some of the best culinary experiences at our fingertips, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't shake up our date-night plans every now and then. There are plenty of unique date ideas in New York City that are totally romantic and won't cost half your rent. In addition to being easy on the wallet, they just might make you fall in love with the city all over again, too.
From comedy shows and karaoke to scenic strolls and gallery hopping, these are the best date ideas in New York City.
44 Great Date Ideas to Keep Your Marriage Fresh
01
Get Reacquainted With Central Park
More than 8.6 million people live in New York City, but it doesn't feel that way at this four-season and free-to-enter oasis in the middle of Manhattan. Measuring in at 840 acres, there's plenty of room to go around here, whether your idea of the perfect date is a picnic lunch on the Great Lawn, a paddle across Central Park Lake in a rowboat, or a visit to the Central Park Zoo.
02
Explore the Met or MoMA
For residents of New York state, admission at The Met is pay-as-you-wish, so you and your date can browse the storied museum's 5,000 years' worth of artwork and still have some cash left over to grab a quick bite at one of the museum's on-site eateries. MoMA, on the other hand, waives entry fees between 4 p.m. and 8 p.m. on the first Friday of every month, so plan your outing accordingly.
03
Take a Sunset Stroll Across the Brooklyn Bridge
Whether you start at the Brooklyn or Manhattan side of the stone-and-steel bridge, you'll encounter an intoxicating panorama that really outdoes itself come nightfall. Plan a stroll around sunset to watch as the skyline is enveloped in golds and ambers before transforming into a glittering display of lights as the sun slips behind Manhattan.
Brooklyn Bridge Park hosts a weekly movie series during the summer to cap off your bridge-crossing with a free flick.
04
Explore the Hudson by Kayak
With a mission of "promoting public access to the water for all," Downtown Boathouse offers free kayaking between the months of May and October. Push off from the organization's locations on Pier 26 or Governor's Island for a 20-minute paddle through NYC waterways.
05
Lace Up Your Roller Skates
Relive a childhood pastime with a visit to Brooklyn Bridge Park's Pier 2 Roller Rink. In the shadows of the Brooklyn Bridge, the outdoor facility hosts regular public skate sessions that are either free or under $10, plus the cost of skate rentals. (Aim to show up on a Friday evening for DJ-led sessions.)
06
Hit the Ice
When temperatures drop, swap your wheels for a blade and hit the ice-skating rink at Central Park, The Rink at Bank of America Winter Village at Bryant Park, or, for a date experience that's quintessentially NYC, Rockefeller Center. You can glide under the festive canopy of twinkling city lights while holding hands to keep warm for a romantic night to remember. Finish the evening by snuggling up with a cozy cup of hot cocoa.
07
Book a Private Karaoke Room
Most New Yorkers love to karaoke, but when was the last time you actually went? Book a room at Sing Sing Karaoke in the East Village and let loose with your partner.
08
Browse the Stalls at a Food Market, Festival, or Flea Market
If you're not opposed to a daytime date, meet your S.O. at the Brooklyn Flea, Grand Bazaar NYC, or Chelsea Flea Market. Not only are these spots open year-round, but their pay-as-you-go pay structure also allows you to spend as much (or as little) as you want. Similarly, food halls and markets (think Smorgasbord or Essex Market) and city-sponsored festivals follow a no-purchase-necessary format. Bookmark the NYC Parks events calendar to stay informed about upcoming low-cost and free events.
09
Beat Each Other's High Scores at an Arcade
Give your date a glimpse of your competitive side by challenging him or her to a round of Skee-Ball, ping pong, pool, pinball, or an old-school video game. Spots like Full Circle Bar and Cellar Dog promise all of the above, plus brewskies and mixed drinks for the 21-and-up set.
10
Take a Spin on a Carousel
Channel your inner child with a ride on one of NYC's famous carousels, like the Central Park Carousel ($3.25/ride), The Battery's SeaGlass Carousel ($6/ride), or Hudson River Park’s Pier 62 Carousel ($3.50/ride). But if you have to choose just one, go with Jane's Carousel ($2/ride). Dating back to 1922, this historic, 48-horse carousel merges nostalgia with stunning views of the Manhattan skyline and the Brooklyn and Manhattan bridges.
11
Travel Back in Time at The Cloisters
Live out your romantic medieval fantasies with a trip through The Met Cloisters. Inspired by European churches, castles, and monasteries, these lush gardens and majestic architecture are home to The Met's extensive medieval art exhibits.
12
Catch a Budget Flick
New York has several independent movie theaters to choose from. Try catching a flick at Syndicated. This Brooklyn venue offers food, drinks, and movies—all under one roof. Grab a seat in the cozy theater-meets-restaurant to watch a second-run flick for just $9, then order from a menu of drinks and handheld eats to enjoy while you watch.
Syndicated also has a bar area that screens two movies via a duo of projectors, allowing you to match your movie-watching to the duration of your drink.
13
Ride the Staten Island Ferry
Who says the Staten Island Ferry is just for tourists and school field trips? Add it to your date-night itinerary and take advantage of a free (and dare we say romantic) cruise between Whitehall in lower Manhattan and St. George on Staten Island (or vice versa). Spend the 25-minute ride marveling at the city skyline and snapping selfies with the Statue of Liberty in the distance.
14
Skydive Indoors
Enjoy the thrill of skydiving without the weather restrictions or, let's be honest, sheer terror of jumping out of a moving aircraft. Located in Westchester, iFly is worth the short trek to experience the sensation of flying in the safe and controlled environment of state-of-the-art wind tunnels.
15
Stroll Across the High Line
A stunning example of adaptive reuse, this defunct elevated rail line-turned-linear greenway hosts manicured gardens, soothing water features, scenic overlooks, and conversation-starting art installations along its 1.45-mile stretch—and it's free for all to enjoy. We recommend popping by Chelsea Market first for a grab-and-go bite to enjoy on the High Line's many benches and seating areas.
16
Take a Walk in the Brooklyn Botanic Garden
A fantastic (and quiet) alternative to the classic weeknight drink, a walk through the Brooklyn Botanical Garden will give you a chance to chat with your date—without having to compete with the noise of a bar. Admission is reasonably priced at $18, but you can score free entry if you show up before noon on an in-season Friday (or any weekday during the winter).
17
Try a Cocktail-Making Class at Liquor Lab
If you need some liquid courage to help you soldier through those awkward gaps in the conversation, take a cocktail-making class at Liquor Lab, which leads imbibing students in the creation of craft cocktails, from margaritas to iconic NYC drinks.
18
Spin Vinyl at Tokyo Record Bar
Grab a drink and a bite to eat at Tokyo Record Bar, an izakaya and vinyl bar where you help make the playlist for the night—so you'll get to know (read: judge) your date's musical taste.
19
See a Concert at Carnegie Hall
Dinner and drinks are nice when you're on your second or third date, but a concert at Carnegie Hall is unexpected and something you frankly probably never do as a New Yorker. It's a surefire way to impress your date.
20
Explore a New Neighborhood
Trying something new is one of the best ways to form a deeper connection with someone, so pick a neighborhood you've never been to, and go for an adventure. May we suggest Red Hook?
21
Try Your Hand at Axe Throwing
Need to let off some steam and plan a memorable date night? Axe throwing is probably an experience neither of you has had a good go at. LiveAxe and Kick Axe Brooklyn both offer indoor throwing possibilities that you won't forget. Who knows? You might even find your calling.
22
Get Your Game on at Royal Palms
Skip the local sports bar's pool table and try playing shuffleboard instead. Royal Palms in Brooklyn is a guaranteed good time—and it's way more fun than the bowling alleys at Chelsea Piers.
23
Strike Out at the Brooklyn Bowl
If some old-school bowling is your thing, we get it. There's nothing quite as satisfying as the sound of pins falling down and the sweet taste of victory that goes with it. Get in the competitive spirit and take your date to Brooklyn Bowl for some live tunes, local brews, and delectable eats.
24
See a Comedy Show
Sure, comedy shows are a bit of an NYC cliché, but they're also really fun. And while it can be awkward on a first date to get grilled by the comedian on stage at the Comedy Cellar, your visit is sure to be a memory in the making.
25
Try a New Fitness Class
A date can be a great excuse to experiment with a new and novel exercise. Try Flatiron's Brrrn, where 50-minute fitness classes are held within a studio that's been chilled to a cool 50°F. You can even try the infrared sauna together afterward. Take advantage of first-time student discounts to save some money.
26
Take a Cooking Class at Eataly
Cooking together is a great way to deepen a connection with someone new, but in tiny NYC apartments, it can be quite challenging. Why not take a cooking class instead? Eataly offers a great selection, from pasta-making to pizza workshops.
27
Go Glamping on Governors Island
Collective Retreats has established itself in NYC with escapism experiences that make you feel like you're anywhere else. Take a ferry to Governors Island, and spend an evening glamping under the stars overlooking the Manhattan skyline for the dreamiest of date nights.
28
Take a Pottery Class in Brooklyn
If you've fallen into a routine of going to the same restaurants or watching the same TV series each Monday night, switch it up with a pottery-making class at Choplet in Brooklyn. You'll channel your inner Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze.
29
Sculpt Blindfolded
Or, up the ante on that Ghost-style date night by amplifying the sensory experience. Unarthodox's Sculpture Without Sight offers a unique art experience that reconnects you with your senses—specifically touch—by closing your eyes. The blindfold frees you from the visual plane and allows your hands to do all the talking.
30
Tour the Galleries in Chelsea
Chelsea is filled with incredible art galleries, but be honest: When was the last time you actually visited them? Walk around the various gallery spaces with your S.O. and pick imaginary art for your future home together.
31
Treat Yourselves at Ancient Aire Baths
If you're feeling a little exhausted from a long day at work or have young children at home, treat yourselves to a day at Ancient Aires Baths, where you get to just relax in a romantic candlelit environment.
32
Walk Through Halls of Gems
Want to commemorate finding your very own diamond in the rough? The Allison and Roberto Mignone Halls of Gems and Minerals at the American Museum of Natural History boasts over 5,000 sparkly specimens for quite the magical moment. (We're talking a legendary 563-carat sapphire, folks!)
33
See a Burlesque Show
Give the Broadway shows a rest for a far more provocative production. Whether it's dinner theater at Duane Park or the transportive atmosphere of Nurse Bettie, this date-night activity is sure to set the mood.
34
Visit the Museum of Sex
Speaking of setting the mood, an educational tour of the Museum of Sex should do it for the sapiosexuals among us. From a historic catalog of visual erotica to more hands-on exhibits, this museum admission ($36) will certainly give you the most bang for your buck.
35
Gaze at the Stars at Hayden Planetarium
Whether your love was forged in the stars or the two of you are die-hard cosmo-junkies, a space date is difficult to pass up. The American Museum of Natural History's Hayden Planetarium offers a riveting tour of the final frontier.
36
Scale a Building
When you live in a city that boasts some of the highest buildings in the world, what else is there to do but scale them? City Climb offers an exhilarating bird's-eye-view over 1,200 feet above the ground from the Edge's apex.
37
Enjoy a Scenic Cruise
Or, take in the sights without the heart-pumping adrenaline rush by hosting your date night on the water. Reserve a table aboard one of the city's many floating restaurants for a skyline view that's hard to top.
38
Peruse the Books at The Morgan Library & Museum
From ultra-rare first editions to manuscripts, drawings, and sheet music from some of history's most famous and talented artists, The Morgan Library & Museum has it all. Once the personal collection of J. Pierpont Morgan, the dramatic edifice houses plenty of architectural and literary delights to get lost in.
39
Start a Book Club for Two
If all those books whet your literary appetite, why not start your very own book club for just the two of you? Make a day out of visiting some of the city's most charming book stores to stock up on future reads. Some of our favorites include The Strand Bookstore in the East Village and Sisters Uptown Bookstore in Harlem.
40
Channel Your Inner Spy
If you spent your formative years living a double life as an imaginary spy, boy do we have a date night for you. SPYSCAPE may be a high-tech counterintelligence museum, but it also serves as a training (play)ground to really put those carefully cultivated skills to the test. We're talking laser beam hallways and lie detector tests aplenty!

Hello everyone,
I am a new graduate nurse preparing to take my NCLEX this Thursday (woohoo!). I have been offered a position in an ICU RN residency program on the night shift. Throughout nursing school, my focus has been on working in critical care. Currently, I work on a PCU as a Nurse Extern and previously worked as a tech in a medical ICU.
Inpatient nursing can be incredibly challenging. There are several aspects of it that I’ve come to realize I really don't enjoy. A recent experience on the PCU was the final straw for me. During a shift, a patient coded four times, resulting in complete chaos. The RN responsible for the patient informed me the next day that she had repeatedly contacted the doctor to request an intensivist consultation, but the hospitalist insisted on continuing the current treatment plan.
To make matters worse, the RN was extremely busy all morning, juggling the care of this deteriorating patient along with her other two patients. She had little time for charting and decided to take a lunch break after the patient expired, knowing she would soon have a new patient in the constantly full PCU. Ten minutes into her lunch, she was called to the manager's office and given a verbal warning for not documenting her initial assessment on time.
This incident left me appalled. The RN worked tirelessly all morning, trying to provide the best care possible. After losing a patient and feeling devastated, she was reprimanded for her charting. While I understand the importance of accurate charting, the demands of inpatient nursing can be overwhelming, regardless of how well one manages time.
Tomorrow, I have an interview at an outpatient allergy office. I'm excited but also apprehensive about starting outpatient work as a new grad. At the same time, I have significant reservations about beginning my career in inpatient nursing and potentially resenting this career altogether.
I would greatly appreciate any thoughts and opinions you might have on this situation. Thank you!

Hi I'm looking for advice please
A creditor took £4k from my bank account for council tax arrears that had been mounting up without my knowledge (the tax band is also high so that's why it's a large amount also) and I was totally shocked after only recently finding this out after checking my balance
My bank also failed to inform me about any of this warrant of arrest is this not also further grounds for a formal complaint to them as they are meant to be looking after my money and should have warned me about this prior?
I desperately need to get back the money asap as it's caused a very serious situation and i'm being made homeless and am being evicted directly due to their actions because they took all the money that I was using to pay rent and has caused me rent arrears now aswell
And as a direct result i've now been served a section notice to leave and I'm struggling pay for food and my medication/equipment that I need this is so upsetting as I believe this wasn't my fault
Surely this borders on causing me unduly and severe personal and financial hardship to an especially vulnerable person which I am?
The money was accumulated from solely benefits (pip+esa) as I am severely disabled and I have read that they cannot legally do a bank arrestment if the money comes from benefits is this legally correct? and is there any legislation I can quote to them? I can send them proof of my benefits award letteincome should I include this?
I can't find much information on this area and am needing nce to contact them to back me up and formally request they return the money on these grounds and I can send a bank statement to them to reflect that this has caused me poverty would this be helpful?
I read of a legal case from a man called McKenzie who appealed against Edinburgh city council and was successful in overthrowing this and the sheriff ordered the return of all his money as it was from his benefits and I'm hoping I can do this too
I'd like to add that as I am bedbound 24-7 I do not have access to any mail in post and did not know any of about this and thought my boyfriend who is dyslexic was managing it but unfortunately this wasn't the case so surely I shouldn't be punished for this due to this reason also and he said he does not recall any letters coming in the post about the debt
Please help this is making me very ill and I'm not sure what to do next
Should I write to the council first or the creditors or both?
I am prepared to setup a repayment plan with them directly although it won't be much due to my benefits income as I cannot work due to a serious disease I suffer from for the last 12 years
I would rather not pay the creditors as I've heard they can be difficult and would rather pay the council themselves as they held the original account for the council tax although I'm aware they may not agree now at this late stage
Should I propose this to the council in my letter on nice terms in the hopes of them agreeing and being sympathetic or should I threaten them with court action due to my benefits being wrongly taken?
Also is there any time limit that I have to raise an appeal i.e within a number of weeks etc as the arrestment was granted and money taken at the end of February 2024 but I only just found out and have been seriously ill for weeks since and unable to do anything about it til now
Also what should I say in my letter how should I construct the letter can anyone link a good template letter or is there a court appeal document/form I should be filling in?
I only have some basic knowledgeable of this area and am feeling overwhelmed also I struggle to talk so can't phone a debtline and have no one to help I need advice online as it's easiest for me
Does anyone have any useful links or websites with helpful information particularly relating to the unlawful arrestment of my benefit money and relating to the important points I've raised above? does it sound like I may have a good chance and a strong case for getting it back?
Thank you

NOTE: As much as I am forever grateful for the amount of resources available, and y'all for providing them, please do not comment unless you are actually interested in collaborating on the project. Thank you so much!
TRIGGER WARNING: This show contains strong language and depicts graphic murder, parental death, as well as the death of a young child. Please be advised before taking on the project if you are comfortable with that subject matter.
LOGLINE: After her parents died in a car accident when she was a baby, a young woman has been raised in a mental institution, unawares of her true family, until the day an older lady shows up at the institution's door, claiming to be her older biological sister...but what none of them know is that she's a serial killer.
This is a musical I originally came up with the idea with about a year ago now, after having to do some research about mental institutions for a research paper of mine. The story of how I came up with the show itself is rather weird, in my opinion. Ever seen those "you wouldn't last a day in the asylum where they raised me" posts on social media?
My brain thought it'd be a good idea to make that quite literal.
Sorry, the logline is quite vague, that's my apologies. The show takes place in post-WW2 (the year in my head is 1947/1948) deep American South, say Alabama, Mississippi, or Louisiana. The setting and time period are left vague in the script anyways.
The main character, Helen, as the logline says, has been raised in a mental institution since she was a baby. This show is NOT supposed to be realistic in that regard. Everything else? Relatively, yes. We all know that someone would've long called CPS or the police if they saw a baby on the side of the road next to two dead bodies. The town the institute is in is quite small, and I've always phrased it in my head as "suspend reality for just one moment and nobody happened to see her except the one nurse who knew there were no homes for miles around". Just keep that in mind.
Helen is raised in this institute by a rather strict and seemingly uncaring nurse named Dolores, and it's hinted at throughout the show that Dolores only took in Helen out of moral/legal obligation (can't leave the baby to die). Despite this, the two do respect each other, but it's not exactly a mothedaughter relationship. The one who actually really loves her is Edgar, who's the head of the institute (only by bribing his way in and blackmailing half of the board of directors). They're more of a fathedaughter type.
And then there's Edgar's adoptive son, William. His mom was a drug addict and died by ODing, so he was taken in at a young age, much like Helen. Him and Helen have a very close platonic relationship, but it never veers into romantic territory (Helen is heavily implied to be aro/ace, though I'm not totally sure about this)....as William is gay. And this is the 1940s. There's a song in the show that reveals the whole schpeel behind that, but basically he has a boyfriend named Richard he's been sneaking out to meet for the past two years, and nobody beside Dolores knows (him and Dolores have a more familial relationship).
All of this to say, this all sets up for the inciting incident of the story, when Arabella steps in the picture. She appears to be your classic 1940s/50s housewife, nothing off about her in the slightest, rather bubbly, etc. But of course...she's a serial killer who killed her past 5 fiancés. Were the fiancés abusive (as well as her current playboy husband, Michael)? Yes. Was she abusive? Also yes. Nearly everyone in the show is morally grey, but she is not someone the audience is intended to root for, namely also because she's abusive towards her two children, quiet supergenius Alan (who later dies) and bratty albeit somewhat good intentioned Marie.
The whole show from there is Helen trying to get out of this situation (aka: don't end up dead) but the dilemma is she both sees Arabella is a bad person and yet she wants her to change so damn badly, even though she knows, deep down, she can't. It's very much reminiscent of Stockholm Syndrome, except in a more familial and not "romantic" way (do note: this show is inspired by the Gothic aesthetic and not by the concept of Gothic itself). She plunges herself way too far into it, and it ends up with Alan, William, Edgar, and Michael all dead by the end of the show.
After all...is anybody entirely good? And is being entirely "good" a good thing?
That's my ramble, lol. Like I said, I originally came up with the idea around a year ago, but kind of took a hiatus 6 months ago only to pick it up again around 2 months ago. I always reach out to actors for a project while I'm still writing the show, just to see if it's viable conceptually and if anyone would be interested. I actually had Teagan Early, Athena in EPIC: The Musical, slated to play Arabella, and 3-4 others slated who had been on Broadway (in ensemble, swing, or supporting role capacities, nobody famous). Unfortunately, due to scheduling and personal emergencies, they all fell through.
So here I am, back at the drawing board.
This one, overall, is somewhere in the middle between "idea" and "rehearsal-ready". I have an outline, and I have 7-8 of the songs out of 20 written, but I'm still in the first 10 pages of the libretto and don't have a score for it yet. I am a librettist/lyricist, I am vocally trained, not instrumentally, haha. I'm primarily looking for a composer, but if someone here is a composer AND a librettist and would want to do the majority of the book, then by all means.
I'm thinking a heavy classical sound for the show: piano, violin, but maybe a little sax and trombone, depending on the number. The style of the songs for the show is both somber and doomed hopeful, I'd say it's a pretty even mix between upbeat songs and more slower, contemplative (I don't want to say ballads). Helen I'm envisioning a little more faster piano, violin, while Arabella is full blown jazz, William is a slower piano and sax, while Dolores is an upbeat mix of both, among others. This is all subject to change, and you'd have a LOT of creative freedom. This is just how I originally envisioned it.
Some logistical things. I'm based just south of LA, in the Pacific Standard Timezone (GMT - 8:00; so for example, right now, it's almost 11:30 AM here). I'm open to collaborations in timezones of all sorts though!
I will say I'd like a collaborator that is active, but also "slow and steady wins the race". I'm working on three other projects in varying states of development right now, and I'm sure y'all are working on stuff too, so my goal would be to get this produced end of next year, beginning of 2026. And when I mean produced, I mean full workshop, up on its feet. I'm totally down for hosting smaller staged readings for feedback beforehand. So if you're someone who a): ghosts and b): likes to go quickly, DNI. Sorry!
Dear god...I just legit rambled, lol. If interested, please DM me! I'll send you the planning document I've been using for the show then, and we can get started. Have a great day, y'all!

I love mystery boxes but also etsy/online shopping in general. I was wondering if anyone would like to talk about their experiences with etsy shops that cater to us. I'd really love to hear about yours, since I'm always looking for new places to try.
I'll start with my experiences!
shopping with EllesLilBoxes has overall been a great experience for me!
number of purchases: 3 things ordered at once
purchases: non-little gift box, agere box, adopted plushie (if I listed everything I got I'd be here for days! but she gives a lot of options to choose from and gives a good idea of what you'll get in your order.)
positives: they were in constant contact with me, making sure they understand what I wanted and fulfilled beyond my wildest dreams. they follow details on requests closely. the quality on the stuff sent was very high. they had a lot of obstacles shipping to the US but never gave up. honestly my best shop experience to date. their tiktok is great with tons of order packing videos.
negatives: international shipping prices. not their fault though! IMO totally worth it.
shopping with LightysSFWregression has overall been a great experience for me!
number of purchases: 3
purchases: bedtime agere box (size large; got a night light as requested, as well as a shark tumbler, a taggie, a pacifier, a coin purse, a notebook, a coloring pad and pencils, a plushie, socks, a tangle, a face mask, a teether and candy), unthemed agere box (size medium; I had asked about a certain themed cup, which I got, and had asked if I needed to order a goth box to get it, since that's what it had shipped with for someone else, was told no, but got some goth items anyway, not sure if they were confused or just figured I'd be into it since I asked! got the cup I mentioned, a plushie, a baby-sized blanket, a pen, stickers, post-its, a Kuromi night light, candy and the same teether pencils and activity pad as last time), petre box (size medium, got gloves, a collar choker, ears, multiple chew toys and a mini blanket like i asked for! also got a coloring book and pencils which aren't on-theme but i still like them, and a mini plush that looks exactly like my own cat! they also remembered my favorite patterns and colors from past orders which is nuts.)
positives: they remember what I like from order to order, which is crazy! Most of the stuff they pick out is stuff I would buy for myself. They can find something for most themes or interests no matter how random. They're great at finding items for middles, not just toddlebaby littles. They cater to requests very well. They're very helpful and responsive. Shipping is usually fast and has never been late for me. They offer caregiver and petre boxes as well as many agere themes.
negatives: failed to notice one of my allergens in a product they sent. i did have one item arrive broken. have gotten some duplicate items. things don't always fit the specific theme of the box. the caregiver box is mainly things for cgs to give to their littles, which i find a little disappointing; having a cg box is a good idea though. they won't make pride/pronoun pins for mspec lesbians/gay men, as those are deemed "problematic" identities, which might be a bummer for people who identify as such. (though obviously their shop their rules!)
shopping with angelicangelgifts has overall been a great experience for me!
number of purchases: 2
purchases: littlespace mystery boxes (received plushies, crafts, Sanrio and other Japanese items, Care Bears, Blue's Clues, coloring supplies, vintage items)
positives: unique, interesting stuff. friendly and accommodating seller. excellent value for the money.
negatives: I think personalization options are limited to what she has on hand and as of this writing she only has one box left available in her store, to my knowledge with no plans to add more.
shopping with btsbaddy has overall been a great experience for me!
purchases: 2 (1 in transit)
purchased items: small Bluey agere box (received paint with water book, water bottle, croc charm, stickers, ear hair clips, snacks, a paci and clip that were thematically relevant to Bluey episodes but not actually Bluey themed), petre box (don't have it yet)
positives: I asked if I could substitute a certain teether I liked in a different themed box. They had none left. They went to two different stores trying to find me one! Even though they couldn't find it at the time I was blown away by that level of dedication. the box was a decent value for the money and they took my favorite characters into account, and my faves are pretty obscure/random (Indy, Winton, Buddy, Jack, PomPom).
negatives: some things in the box seemed random/off theme, smaller boxes use toddler pacifiers instead of adult, which may negatively affect some people's opinions. i've seen reviews state things could be more personalized, i didn't have an issue with that but then i chose a specific themed box to begin with. i just ordered a more open-ended one so we'll see what I get. the value isn't a huge deal for the money but I think it's fine and the customer service is worth paying for IMO.
shopping with littlespaceworld has overall been a great experience for me!
number of purchases: 1
item purchased: littlespace mystery box, on sale (size little; received a puzzle, a mini plush, a tiny sand pail with bubbles in it, a ring toss water toy, a rattle, a teether, play-doh, air dry clay, fidgets, a handmade paci clip, chewelry, snacks, pins, a cup and a spill-proof snack container)
positives: attention to detail is amazing! package definitely made me feel like a kid again! the hand-crocheted clip is gorgeous. the employees are absolutely wonderful and so kind. really got a lot more than i anticipated.
negatives: a lot of dollar store stuff, which I realize is to be expected. their stuff definitely skews towards baby/toddler regressors, so if you like "older" stuff make sure to mention it! (I didn't but that was my fault, and I can use most of the stuff anyway!)
shopping with anxiouskittencrafts has overall been a great experience for me!
number of purchases: 1 but talking to them about a second
items purchased: rainbow/pride agere mystery box (received a BEAUTIFUL deco pacifier, a handmade clip, a Mermicorno figure, stickers, tattoos, a sippy cup and a hair bow), currently talking about a paci clip
positives: I think they might be a mind reader??? I'm not usually into deco pacifiers but this one was perfect for me specifically with its theming (more specific than just "rainbow!"), and so beautiful! The clip goes with it perfectly and is adorable and high quality, with silicone beads. Everything is well made and high quality. You get a listing of what you get in each box with purchase.
negatives: not customizable (at least not yet); if they offer customizable options I may go broke shopping here
shopping with thefluffycornerstore has been a great experience for me!
number of purchases: 1
purchases: adopted plushie! (a little shark)
positives: they added some extra stuffing where he'd sprung a leak and sent him with stickers and the cutest note! Lovely seller.
negatives: presently no longer selling littlespace boxes, which is disappointing because theirs looked really good. individual items however remain for sale.
shopping with pastelwitchbaby has been a great experience for me!
number of purchases: 1
purchases: overstock mystery box (received plushie, coloring book, plain pink pacifier, pink dino bottle, fidget tube, pop-it keychain)
positives: got what was advertised (aside from a bottle instead of a cup, but that's fine! I don't usually use those but it never hurts to have one!), good value for the money
negatives: mystery boxes are no longer available presently, however their crafts are really nice!
shopping with littlespacemb has been a great experience for me!
number of purchases: 1
purchases: paci clip and pouch
positives: terrific quality, adorable prints, the clip uses snaps instead of a string which I really like
negatives: none that I've experienced
shopping with LittlingNickNacks has been overall been a very good experience for me!
number of purchases: 3 (1 currently in transit)
purchases: littlespace lottery spins at 5 and 3 dollar levels (won sticker pacifiers, pacifier clips, stickers, a pin, two sippy cups, socks, a keychain and a bunch of resin planars for decorating)
positives: I like the sticker pacis as an option between plain and deco. They're great about listening to what you like and don't like and will substitute items within reason if there's something you can't use. I've done two of their lottos and haven't gotten anything I didn't like. The mystery/lottos are really varied with tons of choices, the starter packs of various sizes come with all the basics and more, and you can also just buy the items you want outright. So whatever you want, they have you covered. Their TikTok is frequently updated with a lot of fun posts.
negatives: stuff takes a while to ship and is usually later than expected. They do also sell adult themed boxes on their page, which isn't a negative for me personally but is for some. they're currently having a lot of problems with their distributor but hopefully will have things back on track soon. communication has not been great lately but that will hopefully improve once the current issues are under control.
shopping with kittyscutecollection has overall been a pretty good experience for me
number of purchases: 4
purchased items: two custom pacifiers (broke one and got an identical replacement), agere mystery box (dino theme; got a teether, socks, a lot of cute crafts, a ring toss "video game" toy, a toddler puzzle and a wind up train set), Bluey mystery box (items you get are now listed in the shop and are not random)
positives: incredibly accommodating! you get a lot of items for the money. the made to order pacifiers are really good quality. if i didn't have to pay international shipping on top of them, i'd probably think the prices are really good.
negatives: contents of the Bluey box aren't great quality (and not everything is licensed, which was disappointing; that box now advertises what you get). wish you had more theme options beyond dinosaur and unicorn, but they will include items that aren't strictly on-theme. not tremendously personal boxes but they do make an effort to include things you like!
shopping with pinkscriptscribbles has overall been a pretty good experience for me.
number of purchases: 3
purchases made: comfort character custom care package, regular comfort character letters with small packages
positives: my partner loved her letters from SVU characters (I didn't read them as it seemed too personal somehow, but I got her them as a gift), I got one from Bluey and it was pretty good! I haven't bought one of their littlespace comfort character items but I imagine they're similar.
negatives: the packages are pretty impersonal even when you customize them. i realize it's hard to customize for characters you don't know well, but making the effort would be nice.
comfortfandom unfortunately seems to have vanished, they've had a hold on new orders for over six months now; however should they return i cannot recommend them enough, their comfort character letter was perfection, and the package was great too.
revenantrose is a great seller, unfortunately no longer selling littlespace items but great customer service anyway.
littlesplace and thetinypumpkinpatch both ghosted without sending items; I think etsy has since removed both shops.
currently waiting on my first package from dreamypacis.
on my list to try in the future are little4bigs, lizzieslittlemarket, bunwantsaplushie, littlebearboxes, pinkcowpaci, flowersforfaye, lilluvables, angeldreamzshop, foxwoodscoven (if prices decrease again, i'm sympathetic to their need for increased prices to fund a move and recognize that you also need to pay for the vendor's time and effort, but they're simply more money than I can afford to pay at 70 dollars for an extra-small box that contains maybe 15 dollars in contents), smolskyco, madebyannaboutique, yokaiyard96, lilsecretz, and mistyangelco and luciferlupine if they return to etsy.
i probably won't try these shops, as they don't seem like what I'm personally looking for, but I'm adding the names of the other shops I've browsed because you might enjoy looking at them!
shysweeties (price is too steep for me for what you get, but customers seem pleased) littlespacestations (full deco pacis aren't my thing and I'm not a bath person, however their stuff looks like great value and quality) littlebluespace (no shipping to the US but would try them otherwise) chellysboxes (waiting for them to get more reviews with photos but I'd like to give them a chance if I like what I see) cozyfrappie (they only offer a starter pack for littles, which is just stuff I personally don't need, looks good though) sparkledogstudios (the littlespace box contents just aren't things I need personally, shop has good reviews) chiekosboutique (zero reviews so far, waiting to see, shipping price also looks pretty steep unless the small boxes are bigger than i'm picturing) babygirlscornertime (the stuff is SO SO nice and cute, just out of my price range! the prices are fair it's just too much for me) littlespacecornerart (deco pacis only, very cute), littlekittenprints (great print-out littlespace content, not what I need but it looks good, stuff is marked ddlg but it's all sfw) squishyfrogshop (the byo pacifier thing is a great idea and their stuff looks really nice) subbymousecrafts (stuff sounds potentially interesting, waiting on some reviews) teddybearsafeplace (prices are too steep for me but might be in your price range, thrifted mystery box is a cool idea) stardustpacis (no reviews yet) scarlettlittles (deco pacis only) kindyclub (downloadables and comfort character letters) pasiveaggressivepacis (custom deco pacis) clumsylullaby (adopt a stuffie program, v cute) pjkittybootique (themes for the little packages don't appeal to me but they look decent) taurusariespacis (custom pacis) littlemenagerieco (deco pacis, if they ever start doing custom animal crossing ones i'll be there in a second.) pacisandstuffshoppe (deco pacis) littlesugarplushshop (deco pacis) angelsprettypacis (deco pacis) thesirenshoppe (deco pacis) juniorswonderland (mystery box only, no reviews yet)

It felt frustrating in Chongqing. I was rather stuck in Hechuan. I got accustomed to lajiao (spice) there. I was a Midwesterner at the age of 22. I was raised in Illinois. I became a manic—a Ferris wheel on fire—I was hiding under a bed in a hotel. Bold like napalm. Sometimes I can never stop. Even when I was 18 in a ward arguing with staff. Always want to fight things. That’s why I refused the meds and went on a plane from America to China. I was going to be an English teacher. And like a light switch, the change and SSRIs turned me into a mess. It would be my first time experiencing psychosis. My biggest issue. I never imagined I would be stuck illegally in a country suffering a psychotic episode in my early twenties.
Transplanted as pollen. I was left with a backpack and a cellphone. With a downloaded app called WeChat. I had arrogantly quit a university job in a fit. Spent the past months full of energy and not sleeping and neglecting myself, including not eating, to work on a novel. Not considering myself normally religious, I had obsessed over occult ideas during that time. Spending nights reading Aleister Crowley—haven taken a rusty pocket knife to carve a pentagram on my chest for spiritual protection.
I did not have funds to fly home. My visa was connected to my previous job, which meant I had now made it void. I was an illegal resident now in China.
I used a nifty app called WeChat as a messaging app, it allows users to find people near them that are also looking for others. It was like a virtual pond. All kinds of people, including sex workers trying to make things happen.
It could with luck be used to find people looking for people in terms of other kinds of work. It was helpful on many occasions for finding gigs working at English training schools and also finding work as a private tutor for people.
WeChat also works as a digital wallet.
Mania makes me irritable. Enough to tell a boss to fuck off. Thoughts ricochet within me. Bumper cars collide.
Being stuck and angry sucks. I scrolled and scrolled on a Huawei phone.
Absolutely pissed off at this world.
Pissed at the times police wanted to take me away for being a mess.
Sometimes women get pissed. Scrolling through their phones. Angry at their cheating husbands. It really is not that hard to have flair—be a damn white oddity. Like moths to a porchlight. Particles of sand through hands. This is when I first started the habit of it…
I rather go by a rather empty name of Taishen… with further explanation needed but now is not convenient. But I assure it is interesting enough and has some importance.
Habits are various in nature in how they attach to and eat at marrow—like atom bombs flashing as rays evaporating DNA—sets in a way less than human as putting myself in the cage of bad things taken up—my time as a former heroin addict is left as stretch marks on me in various ways. The same goes for the first time I found myself making arrangements with middle aged married women while desperation of waves whiplashed me like sandpaper hands coming at me to leave me in a tiring state of abrasion.
I had spent a night snuck away into a hotel. Found someone on a business trip. Instead of registering I waited to sneak along into the hotel elevator amongst a group of others attending the hotel, as I had no card. I headed to a designated room number. Originally I was sitting in a park. Playing on WeChat and found someone in their mid-thirties. Pictures were exchanged and I said no. She brought up paying for the hotel if I arrived. I agreed and went along.
When I met I washed up after her and we used our phones to awkwardly translate what we would do.
Room service knocked. I found myself hidden under a bed as I was not registered to be there.
It seems unusual that it was around this time I had started working on a story of my life as a heroin addict when I got caught up in my worse manic episode ever experienced during my age of 22. Finished half that story before never going back to it after my manic episode had ended. Now I am here writing about it and wondering if the same can happen again in the process of this work.
It feels extremely cliché I would write a novel about struggles with heroin addiction. It has been done many times. It’s just lame of me.
I feel like my thoughts are bit off. I left the hotel the next morning with the little money I did have on a debit card. Turns out the woman was from Taiyuan. It is a city in the northern part of China in the province of Shanxi—coal country with the worst air pollution in China. She has a colleague in Taiyuan that takes courses at an English training center. I was able to contact this place in the morning via a shared contact on WeChat given to me by the stranger I met that night.
Before I knew it I was sending my information and documents in my backpack at an internet café in a fax—with the intent that the woman agreed to share my information to the training center as she shared my contact to its hiring manager. It would land me a job that day that would help me out of my situation. Things turned not quite out as I expected though. I was shifted like a ball to somebody else to contact for a training center geared to teaching children.
I took what I had and ran off to a train station after taking the public transit. Unfortunately I was shit for money and could not afford a high speed rail pass. The slow train would take thirty-two hours to get to my destination. I would have taken a room with a bed but all I could afford was a hard seat for the travel.
Things were getting better for me in the circumstance considering I had found someone willing to take me for work despite my visa situation.
The thirty-two hour train ride was horrendous in some ways, but mostly I was in excitement despite the circumstances. I’m always giddy when disappointed. I moved up and down the aisle of the train. I could not speak mandarin, but it did not stop me from trying to interact with everyone. I talked many ears off during the train ride. I went up and down the aisle trying to interact as a moth to porchlights—I could not stop even if I had wanted to. I found great enjoyment the times I did get to sit across a table from somebody my age heading to Taiyuan from Chongqing. They were a university student returning to their hometown. Another passenger who sat beside me was an elderly man with hard boiled eggs, he was eating one after another one. I highly enjoyed each and every conversation that I had. It was like my head was a lightbulb wanting June bugs to bang against it with the intensity of Roman candles shot at my mouth of nicotine tinged teeth.
“If you find someone in Shanxi it is practice to pay the family money before you can get married. You would also have to already own a home and a car,” told my new friend across in their seat from me—a university passenger friend named David.
“Not necessarily what I was looking for. When is the next stop for snacks?” When the train stops I am able to get out and to have a walk onto the platform to buy various goods from the vendors to take back with me to eat along the ride to Taiyuan.
I had all my important documents tucked in my bag. This included my health clearance and obviously I made no mention of my mental health diagnosis or history to the doctor who had to evaluate me. My diploma and TEFL certificate were tucked away securely. A TEFL is a certificate that stands for Teaching English as a Foreign Language, it qualifies me to teach English as a second language abroad—it had only took a few months of taking a course online that I had paid for to obtain.
It is easy to be happy when you can trick yourself as your own con artist. Mania can make you deceive yourself. One can be doused in napalm and still not fully recognize what is actually going on. Same goes the flicking of psychosis. Even when I have nothing I find myself in my radiating irritation the most qualified of things—the velocity of my rhythm sets me out of an orbit.
The pressure cooker keeps me moving like a propeller at times. I finally arrived at Taiyuan. I arrived at the station to be greeted by Ryan my manager and his assistant Jennifer. We had our hello and introduction and they helped me get to a taxi that would bring me to my new apartment. I finally had a residence again. Apparently they were desperate for a teacher. The last teacher was from New Mexico and apparently they pulled a midnight run—that is when a teacher in the middle of the night disappears onto a plane back home without any notification of it.
The apartment was okay. On the fourth floor with no elevator, so it was a bit of a climb up a dark stairwell not lit correctly.
My job was a training center that had a location near Yingze Park in the center of the city. I was to be paid in cash via envelopes. I would assist in teaching kindergarten all the way up to high school aged students there in private lessons paid by their parents. I would also be assigned by my company to various primary schools in the city. I would take public buses to various schools paid by the company I worked for to give English lessons as I bounced around to various classrooms and schools in the city. Often I would receive a phone call to avoid going to work that day if my boss got inside input that officials would be doing raids to check foreigners’ visas that day.
A taxi ride would always be a thrill. Caused me nerves at first, but I came to love the flying in dangerous ways along a busy road. I remember a driver beeping their horn away as they drove onto the sidewalk to pass people. They treated the pedestrians as if they were in the wrong. I came flying in front of a primary school at its front gates. I was going to start teaching a first grade classroom and a kindergarten classroom. The way schools are set up is with a wall around the entirety of the exterior of the school. There is a gate at the front where one or two security will be waiting to let people in and out of the complex of the school.
I walked in front of the gate to greet the security. It was my first time with an assignment at this school. The guard said they had never seen me before and wouldn’t let me in. Not a big nuisance while I called my boss who then called the school to sort out the situation.
I miss the classroom so much. I ended up teaching in China for five years at various training schools. After returning to Illinois, I still taught as a primary school teacher in a public school.
I often feel extremely ugly from inside to my outside, but something is attractive there. This does not come just in terms of flirting and relationships—mania makes me a genuine lightbulb that flickers in a way that encourages the insects to me—everyone looks like a June bug—this is what I have come to understand about life. But that ugly does kind of stay like rot in a cavity that leaves a bad taste in the mouth that smells foul—hoping nobody catches the smell near me—it must tie into my struggles with bulimia over the years.
The same goes for my years as a teacher—in relation to the whole lightbulb phenomenon—I’m positive it is tied to mania and hypomania. The younger students always were fixated on the information I was teaching to them. I kept over the years methods taught to me and self-taught that I found extremely effective with younger students when it comes to teaching.
Everything was physical in learning in terms of intensity and ambition. When teaching my first grade classroom I would create flashcards for the vocab we would work on and implement in creating new sentences with. We would chant these words together in a way that made me a clown while teaching. Students would yell out the word that I presented with intense enthusiasm. As I walked by students it was expected that while they yelled out the word they would also physically hit the card. Later I would also work on physical gestures and acting out of vocab words and they would follow the actions and phrases with me.
I would often eventually turn the class into two teams. When students got an answer right I would behave comically and full of energy—I would give them a high five and pretend they were so strong with it that it hurt my hand in the process with much exaggeration—the students always seemed to never get tired of this act.
One game I would play involved drawing two stick figures with happy faces on them. Each figure would represent one of the teams for the classroom. I would draw a hungry alligator under the figures. Their faces would also be comical in appearance and full of exaggerations. Each figure had a parachute placed over them and four strings attached. During the game the students would race to say the word correctly represented on the flashcard or the correct word for the gesture I was making. The team that was not the slowest would lose a string on the parachute. If a team lost all four strings they would fall to the alligator who would eat them. The students found it hilarious with my actions involved in it. I would also draw tears and a person praying to represent anticipation and worry of falling down each time they lost a string.
I had a tooth game too. I would draw too large faces for each team. The team that could answer the flashcards and gestures the quickest would have a tooth drawn in their mouth. The team with the most teeth would win and it would look rather funny as the mouth grew and grew with an abnormal and extreme amount of teeth.
I often did other physical and interactive games like having students run to the word I showed a card to or gestured—each word would be attached to a point in the classroom on a wall.
I know it sounds grandiose, but the parents always seemed to think I was great at my job.
The word vulnerable means so many things to me. That word is like the coal to form the generator that makes the guiding energy for the ethics I follow in my life—I hold very strongly to these values that have developed on how to live—I can express it more later but I greatly attach a kind of Christian value system to it, which makes sense considering I was raised in a Lutheran household and always went to church, Sunday school, and went to my courses and went through my confirmation—everyone is a bit of a mop—some pick up clean water and others dirty or a mix of it—waiting to find the people to drain them voluntarily or involuntarily. I was born vulnerable. I walk pigeon-toed and grew up tripping on my feet—I speak with a soft feminine voice. Bipolar disorder makes somebody vulnerable. There was much vulnerability in being eighteen and hospitalized involuntarily for my first manic episode—tied to a stretcher. I have almost a sense of us vs them—the vulnerable and those that harm the vulnerable—take advantage of the vulnerable—I feel this is a very much Christian in the idea of the unfortunate are more holy than the rest of the bunch—children are like that in terms of being born into a cruel existence—a cruel existence I felt at times in my life and so many do—making sure harm does not come to those in need gives the light of purpose to go bright inside like a Christmas tree in my brain—this light of happiness and warmth. I never expected I would fall in love for teaching due to the antidepressant effect provided. It would become my career for a decade. Some grow up wanting to be a teacher, I became one by accident, desperation, and being saved.
Sometimes I inflate on self-hate like a helium balloon that needs to be tied to a wrist. The vulnerability equation is imprinted on my brain.
In my early teens I started struggling with bulimia and image. I remember when my mother caught me in the act. I was not offered help but criticized. I was called a girl for my problems and threatened to be taken somewhere to be fixed of my confusion. I don’t identify as transgender. I identify as a man that struggles with bulimia and happens to have feminine qualities.
I attribute it to circumstances that happened to me—a justification for the pain at times—an attack on aspects of bisexuality.
After a long day of work I did what my young self often did. I went clubbing with friends. I feel like even if I hide aspects of myself such as being bisexual, people can spot it regardless. I’m extremely secretive about it and not comfortable displaying that vulnerable aspect of myself.
My friend from England went with me. He was about six years my senior. Big guy. Tall. The clubs name was Maoye.
I always enjoyed the free drinks available to foreigners—it was done to attract Chinese clients, as the idea was foreigners being there would attract people.
Amongst the hot and sweltering crowd a man grabbed ahold of me. I felt stuck. I was taken off guard. Pushed and cornered. While on me I managed to push him off. But it all serves as a reminder of the vulnerability of my life.
A nail was placed into my hand—a constant burn and reminder of that vulnerability.
Part 2
From self-hate I can also be so grandiose. I am like a Christmas tree that is lit up. Sparklers so pretty that you cannot let go of them, even if it burns your fingertips and hurts.
From heroin to sex, you can smother the pain. You drain the ocean to fill a void in these times. It ties to mania as well. That restlessness and irritability is extinguished by the paradox of throwing kerosene to everything burning. I’m so grandiose to hide my insecurities, I mistake my misfortune as a mark of something ugly virtuous—the neon of vulnerability pulsating like a star within me. Swelling on a pain.
Bad habits. I want you to judge me and tell me what’s wrong with me. Give me a verdict.
Stress a trigger for mania, and I was stressed from the incident I had experienced at the club. I bloated like a tick to distract from locusts of thoughts that could not shut up with their commotion.
I had been sleeping around more than before. My brain was Christmas tree lights. I accelerated on a generator—I made a mixed episode worse.
Tease a disaster when you are heightened like a blimp. Full of hydrogen. Hoping to burn up ad rain down like napalm.
When the pretty candles on the Christmas tree are left untouched—not looked at like a kettle on burner that has been forgotten—the dry neglected tree will into a house fire.
I’ve had four attempts in my life so far.
When I attempt I don’t cry for help. I feel too vulnerable. I’m afraid.
Hate police and wards.
Downing pills.
My past failed attempts made me aware of everything done wrong before. The sleeping pills alone might not do what I was looking for at that time. I bought an electrical cable. This way if it failed I would still be unconscious and choked out by the cord—fail safe plan to end my life.
The words coming out of my mouth slowed down. I started getting second thoughts. Stuck my face towards the toilet bowl while on my knees. Sticking my fingers down my throat. Leaving blood vessels bursting in my eyes.
Went stumbling outside and waved a taxi down and asked to be taken to the local hospital.
Never expected finding myself checked into a psych ward in a foreign country.
Nietzsche has a quote in reference to chaos in life and how it is needed to create a star—this reference holds so much value to me. Sometimes stars hit together just right to create fate out of the worst of things. The ward lead me to meet the woman made of paper. She would one day become my wife. I would have two daughters with her. Forge together as soldiers to face the obstacles in life. Someone who would save my life during a future attempt when I was found unconscious from an overdose. The smartest and toughest woman I have ever known. Someone to build trenches with.
I liked it when she stuck that needle in me for an IV. It must correlate to being a heroin addict. The pushing of something in my vein correlates to happiness and purity.
The woman made out of paper was my nurse in the ward I was stuck in. What attracted her to the mess that is me I will never understand fully.
The woman made out of paper is named Lilu. She was one year older than me and one of my nurses at that ward in Taiyuan. She was from Zhengzhou—a city in the province of Henan that is based in the center of China. I am sure as the reader it would be nice to know why I call her the woman made of paper.
She struggled with her own demons. She also deserves much praise for her resilience and brains. When she was born she was raised by a family that adopted her and often neglected and abused her growing up. Her biological family is distant from her, even though she has an identical twin—they felt too poor to take care of her and made the choice that they needed to be less of one child as she also has an older sister—her twin got to stay with that family but she was given up and adopted. I am sure this must bother her even if she never will talk about it to anyone in her life—as she is one to refuse ever discussing emotions and feelings, as this is not her personality type—she is very much a fighter. I think most would struggle with wondering why they were the one let go of—it also must hurt her knowing that the family would have a son and keep him.
Despite all these circumstances, she graduated top of her class of four thousand students—Chinese high schools can be quite large serving a large region—they often serve as boarding schools. She was a smart and hardworking student. Circumstances never made her stop trying to be the best and moving forward and she never made excuses for herself. In university she also did well and got accepted at the most studious and hard to obtain nursing position at the number one hospital in Shanxi.
I have already ranted and gone on about my affection and feelings tied to heroin. Drinking of entire oceans to fill voids.
Paper is a void. It asks for calligraphy to be written on it to make braille. This way when fingers run over skin, it tells worth—the reason for troubles—it forms connection through those words of declaration—the whining for why things are the way they are—the filling of a void like a heroin addict needing a cure—two papers come together to write upon one another—as a paper I am her typo—I stand as a falling mess with nerves like tripwire, I keep failing and losing my composer, while she stands stronger as a declaration that has been written on—when I was chased I listened to her and joined as one. I wish and intend to always serve the woman made out of paper who has saved my life and has always been there for me, being so strong despite circumstances—amongst the wind of turmoil in life I follow along her path.
It was love at first sight for her but not for me. I had no interest in dating her at the time. I worked across the street of that hospital in an office building for a training center as a part time job. I would teach adults English who paid for private lessons near to Yingze park in the center of Taiyuan. She signed up for classes for me to teach her and brought me food on almost every other day that she had prepared. Eventually we found ourselves coupled fully.
In a pit. I get to burn as paper amongst another’s paper. Eternally. With a life that will keep reoccurring.
Part 3 Liu
A woman like Chang’e lived on a moon. Far away.
You can refer to me as Liu.
At the age of 19 I was diagnosed with a severe nerve pain condition. It is called trigeminal neuralgia but you can call it TN for ease.
I was frustrated. I had completed a degree in international finances from Chongqing University of Business and Technology. The boom of the economy was not the same. There was an urge to “lay flat”—to not try as a form of opposition to everything going on in a waning economy in China.
All are elephants chained for an audience. People love to peek and stare as though they are glass doors without hinges—to be made feel useless.
I developed TN at the age of 19, and was now 22. It came as an arrow, and quite literally to the face. It’s a rare nerve pain disorder often considered one of the most painful conditions known.
The illness involves intense nerve pain throughout the left side of my face. It felt like someone was trying to pull all of the teeth on the left side of my face without anesthesia. The pain can leave me falling to the floor unable to speak or move while screaming profanities while choked by pain. A feeling of a knife to my face over and over again. It leaves me in absolute shock. Like Roman candles to the face. An absolute hindrance. The anticipation of not knowing when it will happen again is a nightmare at times.
The disease is often called the suicide disease, apparently up to 26% try to take their lives. In a state of panic during one of the nerve attacks I began swallowing any pill near to me. I went to the hospital to have my stomach pumped when I was found comatose by my mother.
I want to be Chang’e and on the moon and away from a world I have had enough of.
Gossip spread around the workplace that I attempted suicide over an affair with a married man. There was too much guilt to return to the workplace. COVID did have an impact to the economy. I still remember my hometown having dirt and trees piled onto the exits and entrances to the city keep people in their places.
The work I did find felt beneath me. China has what is called the great firewall that keeps something in and out of the country’s networks. A VPN was necessary to access American TikTok as it was used as opposed to the Chinese version.
Feels humiliating the nature of the outcome for me—I gave up in many ways like so many Chinese youth. For work I would go to a local office building. Amongst a long hall would be a room for live stream performers. I would entertain with watchers while trying to obtain virtual gifts for actual money. I despised it—sometimes the conversation could be funny or interesting but it felt hollow.
I would paint flowers on my face and wear hanfu clothing while doing ASMR.
I had a mind of sparklers burning until it burnt and stung like wax—like I had the option to stop and cry and those tears stuck as wax and burnt or I soldiered on and grew accustomed to the pain. I was an elephant chained. The audience watched and interacted with me on the live. I was a chained elephant when it was found out about my previous attempt and when the rumors spread.
Too many thorns in life. Nails hitting at the wrong points like an equation for something terrible to eventually happen.
My favorite dish was Henan noodles. I often cooked it with my mom. It provides great memories of childhood. I hadn’t talked to my mother as much as before. She moved to a job in Taiyuan.
Sometimes I would go up to visit her. But it was harder as she worked more and more hours. Sometimes voids build even when going through extreme nerve pain. And with trigeminal neuralgia, the pain was so intense that I would freeze and scream in pain. It cannot always be hid. It made me an elephant tethered.
Life can be like a pressure like no other. Too much stress. Makes one feel irritable with a mouth like a sprinkler of napalm when someone is too close. Life feels like a lit fire cracker held—in the end it would tear my hand up. Things kept building while the other side of my face began to hurt too recently. This was rare and not so common. My eyesight was becoming blurry too and it seemed I might have multiple sclerosis as the pain was on both side, it was not common for my age, and the blurry eyesight. An appointment was scheduled and I felt terrified to know what was going on and wondered if it was best to not even know my health.
I walked out of the studio and had a cigarette. My boss came out and joined to talk. He was concerned about view count and wanted me to do things to increase it that made me feel uncomfortable. He made a few comments I found incentive.
The boss sure liked to criticize and apply pressure. He was not impressed with my work and thought I could do something different. In China an application is used called WeChat. This application has many uses. People can display and share moments like a Facebook wall, message each other, send money, video chat, and even has a feature to find people near to you who are also looking for people near to them. I was to attract people onto dates. The idea was they would be lured in and the men would go to a set destination to a planned tea house that served snacks. When the men arrived (they had no knowledge of the setup) the bill would be at an absurd rate and if the men refused to pay larger men would use their size to force them to pay up.
I was not sure at the time yet if I wanted the job. Being worried about ethics and safety. It was something I would have to think about.
My medical expenses were growing and I knew the nerve disease could be expensive to treat with surgery. All I had was thoughts while looking at the moon.
Part 4 Taishen
My former roommate in the ward I shared a room with had paranoid schizophrenia. I was stuck in the same place due to mania, and just had gotten my diagnosis of bipolar disorder.
I was so pissed being stuck there and felt I had no business being there. I found my diagnosis to be an insult to me. I was only 18 at the time—taken in on a stretcher. Made me feel very vulnerable and irritated.
My roommate was having delusions related to Christianity and could not stop waking me up in the middle of the night to ask and talk about Jesus. Left me beyond frustrated.
He was drifting from his wife and would go on and on about intending to leave her. Felt he was spied and plotted against by her. So we were both frustrated with being there.
The toilets were special. They would flush what needed to be flushed but not certain things like pills—it helped to keep people from hiding they were not taking their medications.
He had tried to flush his wedding ring down the toilet but he did not realized it didn’t flush. I went to use the restroom later and saw the ring. I told him. He took it out. He found it to be a sign form God that he is to stay with his wife, and there was immense happiness in his eyes.

Tisishen Part Continued..
I was stuck at my current work at Mao’ye. A mall in the central part of Taiyuan in Shanxi. Coal dust central China. Frequent dust storms leaving me having to wipe the window sills of dust piles collecting. Life felt dry as the air—numb. I never know what I want. Drifting like paper in a breeze.
23 and feeling empty. Left the previous English training center I working at teaching adults. Company started going bankrupt. Boss was an asshole. He was originally from Datong near to Inner Mongolia.
That boss ran the company horribly. Was a coward of a boss. He would watch the cameras and email complaints on my dress code and not talk to me in person. A coward.
When the company was nosediving I got sent an email in the middle of the day stating my job would be terminated by the end of the month. I worked in china as an American. In china most jobs are based on contracts between employees and employers. I was supposed to continue another seven months with my job. The contract was broken when they emailed me saying they could not keep me due to salary. Contracts can be broken due to performance but not due to finance issues. I had already work for them a year on another contract. The law in China states I was due to be paid a year and a half of salary. My boss was such a coward to not speak to me in person and email the letter. I marched in his office and got told to fuck myself. I talked to the labor board at the local government office. I was told was told that I that they would have to pay me a year and a half of salary for breaking my contract.
Those times were rather gray for me. Clouds were heavy like gnats flying around the face. My girlfriend at the time was a stern nurse. The girl made of paper. She stayed beside. My fortress. Put up for adoption by her family in Henan. Where her adopted mother would put her hands in scolding hot water for punishment. She marched into my boss’s office and created a storm. He refused to budge. A few days later when the labor office contacted him he was willing to keep me for the rest of my contract. The labor office said that because my job was offered back I could not be paid if I left my job, as it would be my choice at that point. Frustrating. My wife had her uncle’s boss contacted from Taiyuan to go into the office. She had some influence in the area. She threatened to look over various certificates to get the branch in trouble. My boss did not budge. I decided to just go ahead and leave this English training center for teaching adults. I went for a new company that paid more passed in the Moye mall on the other end of the city. Now I would be teaching children again like I used.
Is this all I am? A server?
It makes me think of a time right before I met the woman made of paper. Stern from her experiences. A fighter. I like fighters.
I met fighters before. Reminds me of a story. A story I hold deeply to my heart. There was a woman named Ming. I met her through surfing on WeChat nearby searching for people looking for others nearby. Older by a few years. Met and became acquainted over messages.
Christmas tree lights in my head
Perched to be exploited…
Balloon with the air let out
Hissing all the time… because it whines
The inferno in me wants me to burn
Because it feels right
Christmas trees lit are under pressure—they know if they dry up the whole building will be in flames
So you have to be festive when you decorate—and avant-garde with who you decorate with
Maximalist at heart with pleasure
Nomads tend to wander to find a better part of the steppe
With a phallus as a Swiss Army Knife,
Paddling in northern China building a trench
22 year old Midwesterner with psychosis looking for a frigate to save him from the deep end
Impulsivity a catalyst for losing everything
I don’t care if you’re married, if you have a tunnel you can help me in the trench
Two staged rocket—
Already psychotic
Be a Launchpad
So I can get even further from earth
Ripple through the galaxy like I got a mission—
Even if it’s delusional
Another N1
Get myself on disconnect in the vacuum
Even if I come down Iike napalm.
I met Ming because I needed her and she needed me-even if she was married. I was 23 and without security. MY first job that I forgot from my boss Ryan was insane at times. Working without a visa for a company was unbearable. I felt obligated to my boss at that time he promised he could solve my issue if I worked hard for him. And I did. He was a bit corrupt too and not the greatest. Always offering going to brothels with people to make deals happen, including trying with me too. I never went. I did work hard for him though. I wanted to escape my predicament and he knew all the right people to contact to fix my problems if I met my obligations. Obligations could mean being asked to go to another training center to work part time and gather their curriculum for my school.
It felt unstable not knowing when I could get arrested or taken away. Made Ming a perfect connection to come across. I needed a friend that brought stability. She was a radio broadcaster in the city. Extremely wealthy. She would take me on outings eating delicious cuisine in the city or among weekend trips to interesting places nearby. I consider her one of the greatest friends I had. Because of her it was getting to meet other connections at outings with friends at KTV and clubs in the city. Like rhizomes growing out of a tree. Sustainability. It led to more rhizomes of connections. Something I want to talk more about. But I need to move the clock a bit. To the start of this ramble.
I was working in Maoye. I was on a legal visa at this time. My colleagues were not legal. They were often Slavic. Russian, Ukraine, and other Slavic nations. We had an office in the building setup on a third floor of a large mal with various classrooms for the foreign teachers to teach in. They would generally have a Chinese teaching assistant to help them in the classrooms. I taught students from pre-k age to middle school there.
In the middle of the setup of the floor layout was a large open office. I would sit and plan lessons and grade amongst the Chinese staff and foreign teachers. One day I grep of plain clothed officers came into the facility. They were checking on teachers on the wrong visas. The Russian teachers and others often could not fluently speak English or qualify for the correct visas—they didn’t meet the right requirements for work visas and would be on other various kinds of visas. They stormed in and I remember my Russian friend hearing the commotion tore his shirt with his logo on it and threw it on the ground in a rush. He ran shirtless down a stair well nearby flinging the doors open. Fear, anger… got to fill their class schedule while they are all out hiding.
Final Taishen
I met Chang’e. Do you believe in the transplanting of thoughts? I do. Like pollen.
My thoughts can transplant and Change can do the same too.
Mania got me again. I wrote a poem when I was younger to express it.
Feeling bold and exacerbated
Maybe I am just high strung
Ricocheting off these walls like bumper cars
A sparkler burning hot and bright
Popping off like roman candles
I am not always calm, but I am high,
A kettle left on the burner and forgotten,
Watch me melt away into my ecstasy
Where I dance and scream all in one
I’ll hit peak when crisis comes.
I hadn’t been sleeping. I took a second English teaching job and was seeing attending to seeing different people besides Ming.
Ming was kind and always took me on nice dinner dates. I didn’t have to worry about expenses and felt secure.
I was back on my smartphone looking and fishing for people nearby. Chang’e came in as a breeze from Luoyang to meeting a relative in Taiyuan.
Chang’e was working for a boss in Taiyuan. She would go on the WeChat application looking for men nearby. Flirt to get them to meet her. Like moths in dark they get to the lights:
Useless as a glass door. You can peek through. Pigeon-toed. Drained an ocean to fill insecurities. Uncomfortable thoughts ricochet in me. Like an ambush. Giddy when disappointed. I build trenches amongst the tripwires of life. City feels like a tsunami. Manners like a bloated tick. Sipping the veins from any limb around me. As a stranger to a moth, a porch light pulling. Desolate in lost thoughts. Nights awake and bunkering in hotels. Soft in my voice, I hopscotch to hands—falling through like particles of sand. With enough friction to set off an atom bomb. To radiate right through me, and hollow my marrow. Amongst open nerves I can feel something, so I play with the pain. No matter how annoying.
As particles I transplanted through to her screen as we lay in our separate beds in the city. Mania makes me dumb. We flattered away. Fused as particles.
Her intent was for me to arrive at a designated location to drink and eat late into the night—11:00 p.m. With this given location I would be taken down like an elephant via poachers—that was the intent. At the location I was to be given an outrageous bill for the service and if I did not pay a group of big men would use their physical presence to get me to pay.
When I met her at the given location outside the door. I knew the tricks. I tested her. Asked if she would be willing to eat at another location.
She thought she would eat me and I thought I would eat her. My test was asking her to go to another place at the KTV nearby where I knew somebody that worked there—a karaoke location—the LED lights shining and me and her staring at the direction of them.
She hesitated and insisted on the location next to us. I said I had to go—before I left to contact if willing in the future to go to the KTV.
Where a perpetual hydrogen bomb would go off on our fused particles.
………. Final
The End
Her name was Lily. She wanted to be a princess. Or that is what she said all the time. Kind of hope she was joking. But I have the same problem. She kept talking about peaches and their rising cost. She was a host for live streaming . She was Korean but was cosmopolitan. She spent time in america going to school and aside from English she also learned to speak Japanese fluently .
She wanted to know if peaches were of a similar price back in america. Small talk is necessary or it can feel claustrophobic. Agonizing.
I was viewing and felt agony. Like so many do. I needed more and better than the life I felt.
Imagine calling 988 for a bit of help. You are isolated and all alone in your predicament. Where is the support? Why I get a robot on the line talking to me telling me to wait—where are the humans?
Alienation n the chamber of life. That is my life as Taishen.
Lily and her viewers provided a sense of community that I did not have. And it appears she was a contact with Chang’e via streaming that I did not know.
I am just Luo feeling alienated and climbing over the wall to get some needed assistance. Comfort amongst cold—sanctuary—hope. I was staying in Zhengzhou at this time. Originally from the flower city of Luoyang in Henan—a central province of China. I was working at the Foxxconn factory—where parts of the IPhone were made—largest iPhone factory based in China. I have to ear to feed my family like anyone else. I have a 7 year old daughter being watched by my mother in law in Luoyang—my wife was working in guangzhou at a factory. I never get to see my wife. I had feelings she might be in a relationship with a man in guangzhou. How can she be blamed? She has no love around. Her just like I don’t. If my wife is with another I might as well do my best to find connection. To stay afloat. Brushing gifts to a live streamer. I was even starting to pick up on new languages like Japanese, English, and Korean by doing it. My life was a trap. I must work to bring security to my wife who cannot bring security to me. To leave her would cause me to lose face and I would rather die than face that. Life can never be ordinary for me.
The days and habits of finding a sanctuary on an iPhone that I had to slave away and make amongst my unhappiness was a cruel punishment for just being me. I always am the victim. I’m unable to deceive myself to be happy. Nobody to hold me—I am a fish out of water. I feel the tension pull me like hooks trying to rip me into confetti—I am sure some would applaud at the sight of me being gone.
News and gossip of a virus running around like a plague. From Wuhan. Amusing as my former love came from there when we met in university. She left me like everyone else. I need Freon like a freezer to cook the hate off I feel inside me. I blend in my feelings of worth and self until it spatters as something abstract and abhorrent—like mold on a wall.
Aside from live stream hosts, I found an escape smoking hashish and going to the local brothel with colleagues. I ventured further and further from recognizing who I am. And the news of COVID had only made it worse. And n my hometown near Luoyang they put dirt and and tree trunks to block the roads to keep people from coming in and going out. I went along like getting stuck in thorny bushes and my calves left burnt. The factory became like a firecracker left held in hands pointing up to the sky. Like there is a thing like hope. There is none—gone like air out of a balloon. My fate was stolen away.
Security wanes no matter the solidity of the rock—just take enough rain to form a flood to erode—like banks as paper—pretty on the outside but not secure when the money is all gone.
Within the factory we were not receiving our allowances like we did before. Amongst stress of Covid and its unknowns we became like fish in a shrinking pool of water—agitated and biting each others scales. Abrasion. Friction. An unleashed turmoil to become a tsunami of emotions. Class felt like an overhead lamp causing the eyes to go red and burn.
Cases popped up like sprouting trees with rhizomes. When we wanted our own rooms we were told it was not a possibility. Healthy stuck with sick like classes mixing—a metaphor of it all—anger soar like geyser. Covid became a judicial sentence. Amongst a couple months before the banks failed and people could not get the money they put in. Large sums! And when the anger rose it set off the codes on our phones. Everyone must show their status. If one was positive for Covid their icon was red to indicate level of restriction—one must stay home regardless if the food that came from the government was fresh or if it even ever came at all. Green was good. But soon if you criticized the banking failure your code was red to keep one quit. The virus was the police—a means to shut up somebody like a baton. And the batons would come at the factory. Causes soon that political red of a dot was mixed with the green to allow infection to the healthy, which mean the baton of the government saying the worth of us—we were meant to shut up and is our part at the factory and ass caged dogs. Like the paper banks—when the money ran out the codes were sent to red to keep mouths homes while plain clothes cops beat the working class in the name of the communist party. Our party became paradoxical as the sickle and hammer—as it became more of the baton to make the money run and build the iPhones that make happy elites in Beijing who couldn’t care about zhengzhou. Like ants escaping the confines of an anthill drowning in the rain. Popping like bubbles in anguish.
Everything was blended in this world. Even Lily was not who she seemed. But I rather save that for another time.
The bubble was extended and the people left the confines of their residents on the company grounds despite orders that all must stay within due to COVID. Enough had formed for rebellion. Outside on the grounds the workers threw rocks, bottles, and metal fence at security in to shut them up. The batons came. iPhones were out to record what was happening. The image was bad and the workers were paid to leave the commotion and uprising as a means of saving face.
Heaven’s mandate was showing—the promise that all would be in order from the authority provided over all—no natural disasters—and I could smell flood water in the future. Beijing was not so efficiently coupled to Henan. And the security provided was looking like a facade—like glowing skyscrapers pointing at heaven—but in reality most of the buildings had nothing inside of them—bubbles to burst like the agitation felt at Foxconn.
Lily was a facade—Lily was actually Chang’e putting a show on iPhones, with perpetual hooks extending like a limb from the screen for men to bite on. Money like a work for hungry sparrows everywhere—a curse running through the zeitgeist of the time—and it was looking like the concrete was crumbling around the barriers to keep floodwaters out.
I want to laugh at the thought of small talk on peaches—the irrigation dug to make land fertile was looking more like the weapon to cause immense harm—there was a contagion besides COVID—the act of treating others as an end instead of ends to themselves—agency lost. It the slap of reality was going to come like a comet wiping extinct the good and the bad—as the water would come and cause the loss of life. In Shangqiu a girl of paper was abandoned by parents in poverty while some officials sent their kids to school abroad with sports cars—one of those princesses ran over someone and even thought heaven made him too perfect to face Justice. Something was wrong and scarily felt like it just begun.

Tisishen Part Continued..
I was stuck at my current work at Mao’ye. A mall in the central part of Taiyuan in Shanxi. Coal dust central China. Frequent dust storms leaving me having to wipe the window sills of dust piles collecting. Life felt dry as the air—numb. I never know what I want. Drifting like paper in a breeze.
23 and feeling empty. Left the previous English training center I working at teaching adults. Company started going bankrupt. Boss was an asshole. He was originally from Datong near to Inner Mongolia.
That boss ran the company horribly. Was a coward of a boss. He would watch the cameras and email complaints on my dress code and not talk to me in person. A coward.
When the company was nosediving I got sent an email in the middle of the day stating my job would be terminated by the end of the month. I worked in china as an American. In china most jobs are based on contracts between employees and employers. I was supposed to continue another seven months with my job. The contract was broken when they emailed me saying they could not keep me due to salary. Contracts can be broken due to performance but not due to finance issues. I had already work for them a year on another contract. The law in China states I was due to be paid a year and a half of salary. My boss was such a coward to not speak to me in person and email the letter. I marched in his office and got told to fuck myself. I talked to the labor board at the local government office. I was told was told that I that they would have to pay me a year and a half of salary for breaking my contract.
Those times were rather gray for me. Clouds were heavy like gnats flying around the face. My girlfriend at the time was a stern nurse. The girl made of paper. She stayed beside. My fortress. Put up for adoption by her family in Henan. Where her adopted mother would put her hands in scolding hot water for punishment. She marched into my boss’s office and created a storm. He refused to budge. A few days later when the labor office contacted him he was willing to keep me for the rest of my contract. The labor office said that because my job was offered back I could not be paid if I left my job, as it would be my choice at that point. Frustrating. My wife had her uncle’s boss contacted from Taiyuan to go into the office. She had some influence in the area. She threatened to look over various certificates to get the branch in trouble. My boss did not budge. I decided to just go ahead and leave this English training center for teaching adults. I went for a new company that paid more passed in the Moye mall on the other end of the city. Now I would be teaching children again like I used.
Is this all I am? A server?
It makes me think of a time right before I met the woman made of paper. Stern from her experiences. A fighter. I like fighters.
I met fighters before. Reminds me of a story. A story I hold deeply to my heart. There was a woman named Ming. I met her through surfing on WeChat nearby searching for people looking for others nearby. Older by a few years. Met and became acquainted over messages.
Christmas tree lights in my head
Perched to be exploited…
Balloon with the air let out
Hissing all the time… because it whines
The inferno in me wants me to burn
Because it feels right
Christmas trees lit are under pressure—they know if they dry up the whole building will be in flames
So you have to be festive when you decorate—and avant-garde with who you decorate with
Maximalist at heart with pleasure
Nomads tend to wander to find a better part of the steppe
With a phallus as a Swiss Army Knife,
Paddling in northern China building a trench
22 year old Midwesterner with psychosis looking for a frigate to save him from the deep end
Impulsivity a catalyst for losing everything
I don’t care if you’re married, if you have a tunnel you can help me in the trench
Two staged rocket—
Already psychotic
Be a Launchpad
So I can get even further from earth
Ripple through the galaxy like I got a mission—
Even if it’s delusional
Another N1
Get myself on disconnect in the vacuum
Even if I come down Iike napalm.
I met Ming because I needed her and she needed me-even if she was married. I was 23 and without security. MY first job that I forgot from my boss Ryan was insane at times. Working without a visa for a company was unbearable. I felt obligated to my boss at that time he promised he could solve my issue if I worked hard for him. And I did. He was a bit corrupt too and not the greatest. Always offering going to brothels with people to make deals happen, including trying with me too. I never went. I did work hard for him though. I wanted to escape my predicament and he knew all the right people to contact to fix my problems if I met my obligations. Obligations could mean being asked to go to another training center to work part time and gather their curriculum for my school.
It felt unstable not knowing when I could get arrested or taken away. Made Ming a perfect connection to come across. I needed a friend that brought stability. She was a radio broadcaster in the city. Extremely wealthy. She would take me on outings eating delicious cuisine in the city or among weekend trips to interesting places nearby. I consider her one of the greatest friends I had. Because of her it was getting to meet other connections at outings with friends at KTV and clubs in the city. Like rhizomes growing out of a tree. Sustainability. It led to more rhizomes of connections. Something I want to talk more about. But I need to move the clock a bit. To the start of this ramble.
I was working in Maoye. I was on a legal visa at this time. My colleagues were not legal. They were often Slavic. Russian, Ukraine, and other Slavic nations. We had an office in the building setup on a third floor of a large mal with various classrooms for the foreign teachers to teach in. They would generally have a Chinese teaching assistant to help them in the classrooms. I taught students from pre-k age to middle school there.
In the middle of the setup of the floor layout was a large open office. I would sit and plan lessons and grade amongst the Chinese staff and foreign teachers. One day I grep of plain clothed officers came into the facility. They were checking on teachers on the wrong visas. The Russian teachers and others often could not fluently speak English or qualify for the correct visas—they didn’t meet the right requirements for work visas and would be on other various kinds of visas. They stormed in and I remember my Russian friend hearing the commotion tore his shirt with his logo on it and threw it on the ground in a rush. He ran shirtless down a stair well nearby flinging the doors open. Fear, anger… got to fill their class schedule while they are all out hiding.
Final Taishen
I met Chang’e. Do you believe in the transplanting of thoughts? I do. Like pollen.
My thoughts can transplant and Change can do the same too.
Mania got me again. I wrote a poem when I was younger to express it.
Feeling bold and exacerbated
Maybe I am just high strung
Ricocheting off these walls like bumper cars
A sparkler burning hot and bright
Popping off like roman candles
I am not always calm, but I am high,
A kettle left on the burner and forgotten,
Watch me melt away into my ecstasy
Where I dance and scream all in one
I’ll hit peak when crisis comes.
I hadn’t been sleeping. I took a second English teaching job and was seeing attending to seeing different people besides Ming.
Ming was kind and always took me on nice dinner dates. I didn’t have to worry about expenses and felt secure.
I was back on my smartphone looking and fishing for people nearby. Chang’e came in as a breeze from Luoyang to meeting a relative in Taiyuan.
Chang’e was working for a boss in Taiyuan. She would go on the WeChat application looking for men nearby. Flirt to get them to meet her. Like moths in dark they get to the lights:
Useless as a glass door. You can peek through. Pigeon-toed. Drained an ocean to fill insecurities. Uncomfortable thoughts ricochet in me. Like an ambush. Giddy when disappointed. I build trenches amongst the tripwires of life. City feels like a tsunami. Manners like a bloated tick. Sipping the veins from any limb around me. As a stranger to a moth, a porch light pulling. Desolate in lost thoughts. Nights awake and bunkering in hotels. Soft in my voice, I hopscotch to hands—falling through like particles of sand. With enough friction to set off an atom bomb. To radiate right through me, and hollow my marrow. Amongst open nerves I can feel something, so I play with the pain. No matter how annoying.
As particles I transplanted through to her screen as we lay in our separate beds in the city. Mania makes me dumb. We flattered away. Fused as particles.
Her intent was for me to arrive at a designated location to drink and eat late into the night—11:00 p.m. With this given location I would be taken down like an elephant via poachers—that was the intent. At the location I was to be given an outrageous bill for the service and if I did not pay a group of big men would use their physical presence to get me to pay.
When I met her at the given location outside the door. I knew the tricks. I tested her. Asked if she would be willing to eat at another location.
She thought she would eat me and I thought I would eat her. My test was asking her to go to another place at the KTV nearby where I knew somebody that worked there—a karaoke location—the LED lights shining and me and her staring at the direction of them.
She hesitated and insisted on the location next to us. I said I had to go—before I left to contact if willing in the future to go to the KTV.
Where a perpetual hydrogen bomb would go off on our fused particles.
………. Final
The End
Her name was Lily. She wanted to be a princess. Or that is what she said all the time. Kind of hope she was joking. But I have the same problem. She kept talking about peaches and their rising cost. She was a host for live streaming . She was Korean but was cosmopolitan. She spent time in america going to school and aside from English she also learned to speak Japanese fluently .
She wanted to know if peaches were of a similar price back in america. Small talk is necessary or it can feel claustrophobic. Agonizing.
I was viewing and felt agony. Like so many do. I needed more and better than the life I felt.
Imagine calling 988 for a bit of help. You are isolated and all alone in your predicament. Where is the support? Why I get a robot on the line talking to me telling me to wait—where are the humans?
Alienation n the chamber of life. That is my life as Taishen.
Lily and her viewers provided a sense of community that I did not have. And it appears she was a contact with Chang’e via streaming that I did not know.
I am just Luo feeling alienated and climbing over the wall to get some needed assistance. Comfort amongst cold—sanctuary—hope. I was staying in Zhengzhou at this time. Originally from the flower city of Luoyang in Henan—a central province of China. I was working at the Foxxconn factory—where parts of the IPhone were made—largest iPhone factory based in China. I have to ear to feed my family like anyone else. I have a 7 year old daughter being watched by my mother in law in Luoyang—my wife was working in guangzhou at a factory. I never get to see my wife. I had feelings she might be in a relationship with a man in guangzhou. How can she be blamed? She has no love around. Her just like I don’t. If my wife is with another I might as well do my best to find connection. To stay afloat. Brushing gifts to a live streamer. I was even starting to pick up on new languages like Japanese, English, and Korean by doing it. My life was a trap. I must work to bring security to my wife who cannot bring security to me. To leave her would cause me to lose face and I would rather die than face that. Life can never be ordinary for me.
The days and habits of finding a sanctuary on an iPhone that I had to slave away and make amongst my unhappiness was a cruel punishment for just being me. I always am the victim. I’m unable to deceive myself to be happy. Nobody to hold me—I am a fish out of water. I feel the tension pull me like hooks trying to rip me into confetti—I am sure some would applaud at the sight of me being gone.
News and gossip of a virus running around like a plague. From Wuhan. Amusing as my former love came from there when we met in university. She left me like everyone else. I need Freon like a freezer to cook the hate off I feel inside me. I blend in my feelings of worth and self until it spatters as something abstract and abhorrent—like mold on a wall.
Aside from live stream hosts, I found an escape smoking hashish and going to the local brothel with colleagues. I ventured further and further from recognizing who I am. And the news of COVID had only made it worse. And n my hometown near Luoyang they put dirt and and tree trunks to block the roads to keep people from coming in and going out. I went along like getting stuck in thorny bushes and my calves left burnt. The factory became like a firecracker left held in hands pointing up to the sky. Like there is a thing like hope. There is none—gone like air out of a balloon. My fate was stolen away.
Security wanes no matter the solidity of the rock—just take enough rain to form a flood to erode—like banks as paper—pretty on the outside but not secure when the money is all gone.
Within the factory we were not receiving our allowances like we did before. Amongst stress of Covid and its unknowns we became like fish in a shrinking pool of water—agitated and biting each others scales. Abrasion. Friction. An unleashed turmoil to become a tsunami of emotions. Class felt like an overhead lamp causing the eyes to go red and burn.
Cases popped up like sprouting trees with rhizomes. When we wanted our own rooms we were told it was not a possibility. Healthy stuck with sick like classes mixing—a metaphor of it all—anger soar like geyser. Covid became a judicial sentence. Amongst a couple months before the banks failed and people could not get the money they put in. Large sums! And when the anger rose it set off the codes on our phones. Everyone must show their status. If one was positive for Covid their icon was red to indicate level of restriction—one must stay home regardless if the food that came from the government was fresh or if it even ever came at all. Green was good. But soon if you criticized the banking failure your code was red to keep one quit. The virus was the police—a means to shut up somebody like a baton. And the batons would come at the factory. Causes soon that political red of a dot was mixed with the green to allow infection to the healthy, which mean the baton of the government saying the worth of us—we were meant to shut up and is our part at the factory and ass caged dogs. Like the paper banks—when the money ran out the codes were sent to red to keep mouths homes while plain clothes cops beat the working class in the name of the communist party. Our party became paradoxical as the sickle and hammer—as it became more of the baton to make the money run and build the iPhones that make happy elites in Beijing who couldn’t care about zhengzhou. Like ants escaping the confines of an anthill drowning in the rain. Popping like bubbles in anguish.
Everything was blended in this world. Even Lily was not who she seemed. But I rather save that for another time.
The bubble was extended and the people left the confines of their residents on the company grounds despite orders that all must stay within due to COVID. Enough had formed for rebellion. Outside on the grounds the workers threw rocks, bottles, and metal fence at security in to shut them up. The batons came. iPhones were out to record what was happening. The image was bad and the workers were paid to leave the commotion and uprising as a means of saving face.
Heaven’s mandate was showing—the promise that all would be in order from the authority provided over all—no natural disasters—and I could smell flood water in the future. Beijing was not so efficiently coupled to Henan. And the security provided was looking like a facade—like glowing skyscrapers pointing at heaven—but in reality most of the buildings had nothing inside of them—bubbles to burst like the agitation felt at Foxconn.
Lily was a facade—Lily was actually Chang’e putting a show on iPhones, with perpetual hooks extending like a limb from the screen for men to bite on. Money like a work for hungry sparrows everywhere—a curse running through the zeitgeist of the time—and it was looking like the concrete was crumbling around the barriers to keep floodwaters out.
I want to laugh at the thought of small talk on peaches—the irrigation dug to make land fertile was looking more like the weapon to cause immense harm—there was a contagion besides COVID—the act of treating others as an end instead of ends to themselves—agency lost. It the slap of reality was going to come like a comet wiping extinct the good and the bad—as the water would come and cause the loss of life. In Shangqiu a girl of paper was abandoned by parents in poverty while some officials sent their kids to school abroad with sports cars—one of those princesses ran over someone and even thought heaven made him too perfect to face Justice. Something was wrong and scarily felt like it just begun.

It felt frustrating in Chongqing. I was rather stuck in Hechuan. I got accustomed to lajiao (spice) there. I was a Midwesterner at the age of 22. I was raised in Illinois. I became a manic—a Ferris wheel on fire—I was hiding under a bed in a hotel. Bold like napalm. Sometimes I can never stop. Even when I was 18 in a ward arguing with staff. Always want to fight things. That’s why I refused the meds and went on a plane from America to China. I was going to be an English teacher. And like a light switch, the change and SSRIs turned me into a mess. It would be my first time experiencing psychosis. My biggest issue. I never imagined I would be stuck illegally in a country suffering a psychotic episode in my early twenties.
Transplanted as pollen. I was left with a backpack and a cellphone. With a downloaded app called WeChat. I had arrogantly quit a university job in a fit. Spent the past months full of energy and not sleeping and neglecting myself, including not eating, to work on a novel. Not considering myself normally religious, I had obsessed over occult ideas during that time. Spending nights reading Aleister Crowley—haven taken a rusty pocket knife to carve a pentagram on my chest for spiritual protection.
I did not have funds to fly home. My visa was connected to my previous job, which meant I had now made it void. I was an illegal resident now in China.
I used a nifty app called WeChat as a messaging app, it allows users to find people near them that are also looking for others. It was like a virtual pond. All kinds of people, including sex workers trying to make things happen.
It could with luck be used to find people looking for people in terms of other kinds of work. It was helpful on many occasions for finding gigs working at English training schools and also finding work as a private tutor for people.
WeChat also works as a digital wallet.
Mania makes me irritable. Enough to tell a boss to fuck off. Thoughts ricochet within me. Bumper cars collide.
Being stuck and angry sucks. I scrolled and scrolled on a Huawei phone.
Absolutely pissed off at this world.
Pissed at the times police wanted to take me away for being a mess.
Sometimes women get pissed. Scrolling through their phones. Angry at their cheating husbands. It really is not that hard to have flair—be a damn white oddity. Like moths to a porchlight. Particles of sand through hands. This is when I first started the habit of it…
I rather go by a rather empty name of Taishen… with further explanation needed but now is not convenient. But I assure it is interesting enough and has some importance.
Habits are various in nature in how they attach to and eat at marrow—like atom bombs flashing as rays evaporating DNA—sets in a way less than human as putting myself in the cage of bad things taken up—my time as a former heroin addict is left as stretch marks on me in various ways. The same goes for the first time I found myself making arrangements with middle aged married women while desperation of waves whiplashed me like sandpaper hands coming at me to leave me in a tiring state of abrasion.
I had spent a night snuck away into a hotel. Found someone on a business trip. Instead of registering I waited to sneak along into the hotel elevator amongst a group of others attending the hotel, as I had no card. I headed to a designated room number. Originally I was sitting in a park. Playing on WeChat and found someone in their mid-thirties. Pictures were exchanged and I said no. She brought up paying for the hotel if I arrived. I agreed and went along.
When I met I washed up after her and we used our phones to awkwardly translate what we would do.
Room service knocked. I found myself hidden under a bed as I was not registered to be there.
It seems unusual that it was around this time I had started working on a story of my life as a heroin addict when I got caught up in my worse manic episode ever experienced during my age of 22. Finished half that story before never going back to it after my manic episode had ended. Now I am here writing about it and wondering if the same can happen again in the process of this work.
It feels extremely cliché I would write a novel about struggles with heroin addiction. It has been done many times. It’s just lame of me.
I feel like my thoughts are bit off. I left the hotel the next morning with the little money I did have on a debit card. Turns out the woman was from Taiyuan. It is a city in the northern part of China in the province of Shanxi—coal country with the worst air pollution in China. She has a colleague in Taiyuan that takes courses at an English training center. I was able to contact this place in the morning via a shared contact on WeChat given to me by the stranger I met that night.
Before I knew it I was sending my information and documents in my backpack at an internet café in a fax—with the intent that the woman agreed to share my information to the training center as she shared my contact to its hiring manager. It would land me a job that day that would help me out of my situation. Things turned not quite out as I expected though. I was shifted like a ball to somebody else to contact for a training center geared to teaching children.
I took what I had and ran off to a train station after taking the public transit. Unfortunately I was shit for money and could not afford a high speed rail pass. The slow train would take thirty-two hours to get to my destination. I would have taken a room with a bed but all I could afford was a hard seat for the travel.
Things were getting better for me in the circumstance considering I had found someone willing to take me for work despite my visa situation.
The thirty-two hour train ride was horrendous in some ways, but mostly I was in excitement despite the circumstances. I’m always giddy when disappointed. I moved up and down the aisle of the train. I could not speak mandarin, but it did not stop me from trying to interact with everyone. I talked many ears off during the train ride. I went up and down the aisle trying to interact as a moth to porchlights—I could not stop even if I had wanted to. I found great enjoyment the times I did get to sit across a table from somebody my age heading to Taiyuan from Chongqing. They were a university student returning to their hometown. Another passenger who sat beside me was an elderly man with hard boiled eggs, he was eating one after another one. I highly enjoyed each and every conversation that I had. It was like my head was a lightbulb wanting June bugs to bang against it with the intensity of Roman candles shot at my mouth of nicotine tinged teeth.
“If you find someone in Shanxi it is practice to pay the family money before you can get married. You would also have to already own a home and a car,” told my new friend across in their seat from me—a university passenger friend named David.
“Not necessarily what I was looking for. When is the next stop for snacks?” When the train stops I am able to get out and to have a walk onto the platform to buy various goods from the vendors to take back with me to eat along the ride to Taiyuan.
I had all my important documents tucked in my bag. This included my health clearance and obviously I made no mention of my mental health diagnosis or history to the doctor who had to evaluate me. My diploma and TEFL certificate were tucked away securely. A TEFL is a certificate that stands for Teaching English as a Foreign Language, it qualifies me to teach English as a second language abroad—it had only took a few months of taking a course online that I had paid for to obtain.
It is easy to be happy when you can trick yourself as your own con artist. Mania can make you deceive yourself. One can be doused in napalm and still not fully recognize what is actually going on. Same goes the flicking of psychosis. Even when I have nothing I find myself in my radiating irritation the most qualified of things—the velocity of my rhythm sets me out of an orbit.
The pressure cooker keeps me moving like a propeller at times. I finally arrived at Taiyuan. I arrived at the station to be greeted by Ryan my manager and his assistant Jennifer. We had our hello and introduction and they helped me get to a taxi that would bring me to my new apartment. I finally had a residence again. Apparently they were desperate for a teacher. The last teacher was from New Mexico and apparently they pulled a midnight run—that is when a teacher in the middle of the night disappears onto a plane back home without any notification of it.
The apartment was okay. On the fourth floor with no elevator, so it was a bit of a climb up a dark stairwell not lit correctly.
My job was a training center that had a location near Yingze Park in the center of the city. I was to be paid in cash via envelopes. I would assist in teaching kindergarten all the way up to high school aged students there in private lessons paid by their parents. I would also be assigned by my company to various primary schools in the city. I would take public buses to various schools paid by the company I worked for to give English lessons as I bounced around to various classrooms and schools in the city. Often I would receive a phone call to avoid going to work that day if my boss got inside input that officials would be doing raids to check foreigners’ visas that day.
A taxi ride would always be a thrill. Caused me nerves at first, but I came to love the flying in dangerous ways along a busy road. I remember a driver beeping their horn away as they drove onto the sidewalk to pass people. They treated the pedestrians as if they were in the wrong. I came flying in front of a primary school at its front gates. I was going to start teaching a first grade classroom and a kindergarten classroom. The way schools are set up is with a wall around the entirety of the exterior of the school. There is a gate at the front where one or two security will be waiting to let people in and out of the complex of the school.
I walked in front of the gate to greet the security. It was my first time with an assignment at this school. The guard said they had never seen me before and wouldn’t let me in. Not a big nuisance while I called my boss who then called the school to sort out the situation.
I miss the classroom so much. I ended up teaching in China for five years at various training schools. After returning to Illinois, I still taught as a primary school teacher in a public school.
I often feel extremely ugly from inside to my outside, but something is attractive there. This does not come just in terms of flirting and relationships—mania makes me a genuine lightbulb that flickers in a way that encourages the insects to me—everyone looks like a June bug—this is what I have come to understand about life. But that ugly does kind of stay like rot in a cavity that leaves a bad taste in the mouth that smells foul—hoping nobody catches the smell near me—it must tie into my struggles with bulimia over the years.
The same goes for my years as a teacher—in relation to the whole lightbulb phenomenon—I’m positive it is tied to mania and hypomania. The younger students always were fixated on the information I was teaching to them. I kept over the years methods taught to me and self-taught that I found extremely effective with younger students when it comes to teaching.
Everything was physical in learning in terms of intensity and ambition. When teaching my first grade classroom I would create flashcards for the vocab we would work on and implement in creating new sentences with. We would chant these words together in a way that made me a clown while teaching. Students would yell out the word that I presented with intense enthusiasm. As I walked by students it was expected that while they yelled out the word they would also physically hit the card. Later I would also work on physical gestures and acting out of vocab words and they would follow the actions and phrases with me.
I would often eventually turn the class into two teams. When students got an answer right I would behave comically and full of energy—I would give them a high five and pretend they were so strong with it that it hurt my hand in the process with much exaggeration—the students always seemed to never get tired of this act.
One game I would play involved drawing two stick figures with happy faces on them. Each figure would represent one of the teams for the classroom. I would draw a hungry alligator under the figures. Their faces would also be comical in appearance and full of exaggerations. Each figure had a parachute placed over them and four strings attached. During the game the students would race to say the word correctly represented on the flashcard or the correct word for the gesture I was making. The team that was not the slowest would lose a string on the parachute. If a team lost all four strings they would fall to the alligator who would eat them. The students found it hilarious with my actions involved in it. I would also draw tears and a person praying to represent anticipation and worry of falling down each time they lost a string.
I had a tooth game too. I would draw too large faces for each team. The team that could answer the flashcards and gestures the quickest would have a tooth drawn in their mouth. The team with the most teeth would win and it would look rather funny as the mouth grew and grew with an abnormal and extreme amount of teeth.
I often did other physical and interactive games like having students run to the word I showed a card to or gestured—each word would be attached to a point in the classroom on a wall.
I know it sounds grandiose, but the parents always seemed to think I was great at my job.
The word vulnerable means so many things to me. That word is like the coal to form the generator that makes the guiding energy for the ethics I follow in my life—I hold very strongly to these values that have developed on how to live—I can express it more later but I greatly attach a kind of Christian value system to it, which makes sense considering I was raised in a Lutheran household and always went to church, Sunday school, and went to my courses and went through my confirmation—everyone is a bit of a mop—some pick up clean water and others dirty or a mix of it—waiting to find the people to drain them voluntarily or involuntarily. I was born vulnerable. I walk pigeon-toed and grew up tripping on my feet—I speak with a soft feminine voice. Bipolar disorder makes somebody vulnerable. There was much vulnerability in being eighteen and hospitalized involuntarily for my first manic episode—tied to a stretcher. I have almost a sense of us vs them—the vulnerable and those that harm the vulnerable—take advantage of the vulnerable—I feel this is a very much Christian in the idea of the unfortunate are more holy than the rest of the bunch—children are like that in terms of being born into a cruel existence—a cruel existence I felt at times in my life and so many do—making sure harm does not come to those in need gives the light of purpose to go bright inside like a Christmas tree in my brain—this light of happiness and warmth. I never expected I would fall in love for teaching due to the antidepressant effect provided. It would become my career for a decade. Some grow up wanting to be a teacher, I became one by accident, desperation, and being saved.
Sometimes I inflate on self-hate like a helium balloon that needs to be tied to a wrist. The vulnerability equation is imprinted on my brain.
In my early teens I started struggling with bulimia and image. I remember when my mother caught me in the act. I was not offered help but criticized. I was called a girl for my problems and threatened to be taken somewhere to be fixed of my confusion. I don’t identify as transgender. I identify as a man that struggles with bulimia and happens to have feminine qualities.
I attribute it to circumstances that happened to me—a justification for the pain at times—an attack on aspects of bisexuality.
After a long day of work I did what my young self often did. I went clubbing with friends. I feel like even if I hide aspects of myself such as being bisexual, people can spot it regardless. I’m extremely secretive about it and not comfortable displaying that vulnerable aspect of myself.
My friend from England went with me. He was about six years my senior. Big guy. Tall. The clubs name was Maoye.
I always enjoyed the free drinks available to foreigners—it was done to attract Chinese clients, as the idea was foreigners being there would attract people.
Amongst the hot and sweltering crowd a man grabbed ahold of me. I felt stuck. I was taken off guard. Pushed and cornered. While on me I managed to push him off. But it all serves as a reminder of the vulnerability of my life.
A nail was placed into my hand—a constant burn and reminder of that vulnerability.
Part 2
From self-hate I can also be so grandiose. I am like a Christmas tree that is lit up. Sparklers so pretty that you cannot let go of them, even if it burns your fingertips and hurts.
From heroin to sex, you can smother the pain. You drain the ocean to fill a void in these times. It ties to mania as well. That restlessness and irritability is extinguished by the paradox of throwing kerosene to everything burning. I’m so grandiose to hide my insecurities, I mistake my misfortune as a mark of something ugly virtuous—the neon of vulnerability pulsating like a star within me. Swelling on a pain.
Bad habits. I want you to judge me and tell me what’s wrong with me. Give me a verdict.
Stress a trigger for mania, and I was stressed from the incident I had experienced at the club. I bloated like a tick to distract from locusts of thoughts that could not shut up with their commotion.
I had been sleeping around more than before. My brain was Christmas tree lights. I accelerated on a generator—I made a mixed episode worse.
Tease a disaster when you are heightened like a blimp. Full of hydrogen. Hoping to burn up ad rain down like napalm.
When the pretty candles on the Christmas tree are left untouched—not looked at like a kettle on burner that has been forgotten—the dry neglected tree will into a house fire.
I’ve had four attempts in my life so far.
When I attempt I don’t cry for help. I feel too vulnerable. I’m afraid.
Hate police and wards.
Downing pills.
My past failed attempts made me aware of everything done wrong before. The sleeping pills alone might not do what I was looking for at that time. I bought an electrical cable. This way if it failed I would still be unconscious and choked out by the cord—fail safe plan to end my life.
The words coming out of my mouth slowed down. I started getting second thoughts. Stuck my face towards the toilet bowl while on my knees. Sticking my fingers down my throat. Leaving blood vessels bursting in my eyes.
Went stumbling outside and waved a taxi down and asked to be taken to the local hospital.
Never expected finding myself checked into a psych ward in a foreign country.
Nietzsche has a quote in reference to chaos in life and how it is needed to create a star—this reference holds so much value to me. Sometimes stars hit together just right to create fate out of the worst of things. The ward lead me to meet the woman made of paper. She would one day become my wife. I would have two daughters with her. Forge together as soldiers to face the obstacles in life. Someone who would save my life during a future attempt when I was found unconscious from an overdose. The smartest and toughest woman I have ever known. Someone to build trenches with.
I liked it when she stuck that needle in me for an IV. It must correlate to being a heroin addict. The pushing of something in my vein correlates to happiness and purity.
The woman made out of paper was my nurse in the ward I was stuck in. What attracted her to the mess that is me I will never understand fully.
The woman made out of paper is named Lilu. She was one year older than me and one of my nurses at that ward in Taiyuan. She was from Zhengzhou—a city in the province of Henan that is based in the center of China. I am sure as the reader it would be nice to know why I call her the woman made of paper.
She struggled with her own demons. She also deserves much praise for her resilience and brains. When she was born she was raised by a family that adopted her and often neglected and abused her growing up. Her biological family is distant from her, even though she has an identical twin—they felt too poor to take care of her and made the choice that they needed to be less of one child as she also has an older sister—her twin got to stay with that family but she was given up and adopted. I am sure this must bother her even if she never will talk about it to anyone in her life—as she is one to refuse ever discussing emotions and feelings, as this is not her personality type—she is very much a fighter. I think most would struggle with wondering why they were the one let go of—it also must hurt her knowing that the family would have a son and keep him.
Despite all these circumstances, she graduated top of her class of four thousand students—Chinese high schools can be quite large serving a large region—they often serve as boarding schools. She was a smart and hardworking student. Circumstances never made her stop trying to be the best and moving forward and she never made excuses for herself. In university she also did well and got accepted at the most studious and hard to obtain nursing position at the number one hospital in Shanxi.
I have already ranted and gone on about my affection and feelings tied to heroin. Drinking of entire oceans to fill voids.
Paper is a void. It asks for calligraphy to be written on it to make braille. This way when fingers run over skin, it tells worth—the reason for troubles—it forms connection through those words of declaration—the whining for why things are the way they are—the filling of a void like a heroin addict needing a cure—two papers come together to write upon one another—as a paper I am her typo—I stand as a falling mess with nerves like tripwire, I keep failing and losing my composer, while she stands stronger as a declaration that has been written on—when I was chased I listened to her and joined as one. I wish and intend to always serve the woman made out of paper who has saved my life and has always been there for me, being so strong despite circumstances—amongst the wind of turmoil in life I follow along her path.
It was love at first sight for her but not for me. I had no interest in dating her at the time. I worked across the street of that hospital in an office building for a training center as a part time job. I would teach adults English who paid for private lessons near to Yingze park in the center of Taiyuan. She signed up for classes for me to teach her and brought me food on almost every other day that she had prepared. Eventually we found ourselves coupled fully.
In a pit. I get to burn as paper amongst another’s paper. Eternally. With a life that will keep reoccurring.
Part 3 Liu
A woman like Chang’e lived on a moon. Far away.
You can refer to me as Liu.
At the age of 19 I was diagnosed with a severe nerve pain condition. It is called trigeminal neuralgia but you can call it TN for ease.
I was frustrated. I had completed a degree in international finances from Chongqing University of Business and Technology. The boom of the economy was not the same. There was an urge to “lay flat”—to not try as a form of opposition to everything going on in a waning economy in China.
All are elephants chained for an audience. People love to peek and stare as though they are glass doors without hinges—to be made feel useless.
I developed TN at the age of 19, and was now 22. It came as an arrow, and quite literally to the face. It’s a rare nerve pain disorder often considered one of the most painful conditions known.
The illness involves intense nerve pain throughout the left side of my face. It felt like someone was trying to pull all of the teeth on the left side of my face without anesthesia. The pain can leave me falling to the floor unable to speak or move while screaming profanities while choked by pain. A feeling of a knife to my face over and over again. It leaves me in absolute shock. Like Roman candles to the face. An absolute hindrance. The anticipation of not knowing when it will happen again is a nightmare at times.
The disease is often called the suicide disease, apparently up to 26% try to take their lives. In a state of panic during one of the nerve attacks I began swallowing any pill near to me. I went to the hospital to have my stomach pumped when I was found comatose by my mother.
I want to be Chang’e and on the moon and away from a world I have had enough of.
Gossip spread around the workplace that I attempted suicide over an affair with a married man. There was too much guilt to return to the workplace. COVID did have an impact to the economy. I still remember my hometown having dirt and trees piled onto the exits and entrances to the city keep people in their places.
The work I did find felt beneath me. China has what is called the great firewall that keeps something in and out of the country’s networks. A VPN was necessary to access American TikTok as it was used as opposed to the Chinese version.
Feels humiliating the nature of the outcome for me—I gave up in many ways like so many Chinese youth. For work I would go to a local office building. Amongst a long hall would be a room for live stream performers. I would entertain with watchers while trying to obtain virtual gifts for actual money. I despised it—sometimes the conversation could be funny or interesting but it felt hollow.
I would paint flowers on my face and wear hanfu clothing while doing ASMR.
I had a mind of sparklers burning until it burnt and stung like wax—like I had the option to stop and cry and those tears stuck as wax and burnt or I soldiered on and grew accustomed to the pain. I was an elephant chained. The audience watched and interacted with me on the live. I was a chained elephant when it was found out about my previous attempt and when the rumors spread.
Too many thorns in life. Nails hitting at the wrong points like an equation for something terrible to eventually happen.
My favorite dish was Henan noodles. I often cooked it with my mom. It provides great memories of childhood. I hadn’t talked to my mother as much as before. She moved to a job in Taiyuan.
Sometimes I would go up to visit her. But it was harder as she worked more and more hours. Sometimes voids build even when going through extreme nerve pain. And with trigeminal neuralgia, the pain was so intense that I would freeze and scream in pain. It cannot always be hid. It made me an elephant tethered.
Life can be like a pressure like no other. Too much stress. Makes one feel irritable with a mouth like a sprinkler of napalm when someone is too close. Life feels like a lit fire cracker held—in the end it would tear my hand up. Things kept building while the other side of my face began to hurt too recently. This was rare and not so common. My eyesight was becoming blurry too and it seemed I might have multiple sclerosis as the pain was on both side, it was not common for my age, and the blurry eyesight. An appointment was scheduled and I felt terrified to know what was going on and wondered if it was best to not even know my health.
I walked out of the studio and had a cigarette. My boss came out and joined to talk. He was concerned about view count and wanted me to do things to increase it that made me feel uncomfortable. He made a few comments I found incentive.
The boss sure liked to criticize and apply pressure. He was not impressed with my work and thought I could do something different. In China an application is used called WeChat. This application has many uses. People can display and share moments like a Facebook wall, message each other, send money, video chat, and even has a feature to find people near to you who are also looking for people near to them. I was to attract people onto dates. The idea was they would be lured in and the men would go to a set destination to a planned tea house that served snacks. When the men arrived (they had no knowledge of the setup) the bill would be at an absurd rate and if the men refused to pay larger men would use their size to force them to pay up.
I was not sure at the time yet if I wanted the job. Being worried about ethics and safety. It was something I would have to think about.
My medical expenses were growing and I knew the nerve disease could be expensive to treat with surgery. All I had was thoughts while looking at the moon.
Part 4 Taishen
My former roommate in the ward I shared a room with had paranoid schizophrenia. I was stuck in the same place due to mania, and just had gotten my diagnosis of bipolar disorder.
I was so pissed being stuck there and felt I had no business being there. I found my diagnosis to be an insult to me. I was only 18 at the time—taken in on a stretcher. Made me feel very vulnerable and irritated.
My roommate was having delusions related to Christianity and could not stop waking me up in the middle of the night to ask and talk about Jesus. Left me beyond frustrated.
He was drifting from his wife and would go on and on about intending to leave her. Felt he was spied and plotted against by her. So we were both frustrated with being there.
The toilets were special. They would flush what needed to be flushed but not certain things like pills—it helped to keep people from hiding they were not taking their medications.
He had tried to flush his wedding ring down the toilet but he did not realized it didn’t flush. I went to use the restroom later and saw the ring. I told him. He took it out. He found it to be a sign form God that he is to stay with his wife, and there was immense happiness in his eyes.

Hello everyone,
I hope you’re having a nice day.
I’ve not been diagnosed with schizophrenia but I have severe paranoia so I thought posting here might help. This post might contain some triggers regarding conspiracy theories so be careful reading it.
The paranoia I deal with is about either an apocalypse happening, or being kidnapped by secret services/the illuminati. Part of what might be delusions is that I am essentially John Connor from the Terminator films if that’s helpful, or a very important person in the future. So I am afraid of hostile secret services/robots coming back in time to harm me. So I don’t really go outside.
This is related to conspiracy theories/the pandemic, I’m sure many of you have heard of them. I’m afraid the illuminati are trying to turn the world into 1984, & that because I’m aware of their plan they will try to neutralise me. I thought things would go like this during the pandemic, but clearly it didn’t (or at least as far as I’m aware, part of me thinks my memories are all false/implanted). So now I think it will happen by 2030 (another pandemic, or the apocalypse or something.
I don’t really go outside because my brain tells me if I leave my bedroom these things will happen (the apocalypse/the robots/secret services). I am currently taking Olanzapene, an anti psychotic drug, for this.
Part of me thinks these are just delusions, but another part of me thinks it’s all true. & sometimes it can get too overwhelming to even go outside or open the curtains. What’s keeping me going is a small belief that I might be wrong about all of this.
Ultimately what ends up happening is my brain tells me the only way to get out of this situation is to end my life. Because then the robots or the secret services won’t come after me or my family/friends.
As I said, I hope you’re all having a nice day & might be able to provide some insight for me. Sorry for the wall of text.
Take care everyone.

3 years later update after this original post describing my family's journey toward eventual leanfire.
The TL:DR version: From $500k to $750k, driven mostly by market growth and increased contributions.
The details:
Life-wise: We're a two-adult (both 40), one-kid (8, almost 9) household living in a moderate cost-of-living area. We live in a regular house in a working-class neighborhood. Kid goes to the neighborhood school down the street. One older car that was a hand-me-down from partner's parents, but both grown-ups ride bikes to/from work as much as possible to minimize parking and gas costs plus then we don't have to pay to exercise in other ways.
We're boring people who don't have interesting or expensive hobbies. We've made the yard into a kid paradise so the neighborhood kids have a safe place to play and we spend most of our time hanging out around home. We love to travel but usually do so when we can pair it with a work trip for me so lodging and 1/3 of the airfare is covered. A couple of rabbits as pets, so our grocery bill includes $15 each week for lettuce. We don't eat out much because kid is picky and it's no fun spending money on food he won't eat. Both sets of kid's grandparents live in town, so we have built-in child care.
Money-wise: According to YNAB, our average monthly income from all sources (paychecks, tax returns, random side gigs, etc) was $6265 over the past 3 years. Our average monthly spending (excluding savings like 529s, retirement contributions, etc. but including a couple of big-ticket home repairs) was $4600/mo. We're targeting an annual spend of ~$40k once retired and are aiming toward ~$1.2M as our FI number. We owe ~$82k on our house, which would probably sell for somewhere around $265k.
I was recently promoted at work to a role making $70k/year. Before that, my salary was around $55k/year. Partner has been working in his field of choice making ~$25k/year for the last couple of years but his job is going away at the end of June, so we'll see what happens after that. Both of us are part of a state pension system, with him getting the basic state pension and me with a combined plan where I get partly a regular pension and partly my own contributions invested.
Since the last post, we've really focused on increasing our contributions to retirement-related accounts as well as beefing up our savings/sinking funds. We use YNAB for our day-to-day budgeting and money tracking.
All the long-term investments are in a hodgepodge of employer-sponsored and independent accounts, mostly through Vanguard and Fidelity, though partner still has a RothIRA with Edward Jones that he hasn't moved over to something more sensical yet. Everything's in a mix of low-cost index funds for the most part. I don't actually know how to figure out our cost basis or whatever it's called for how much we've deposited into accounts, so I just track balances and growth and have no clue how much we've put in ourselves vs. how much it's grown.
The numbers:

• $526k in long-term retirement-ish savings (includes IRAs/403bs/457bs/Pensions/...whatever other random assortment of accounts we have)
  • For fun, here's the current savings amounts which got bumped up pretty substantially when I got my recent promotion
    • $583/mo for my Roth IRA
    • $583/mo for partner's Roth IRA
    • $583/mo employer-paid for my invested pension portion
    • ??/mo employer portion of partner's pension
    • $400/mo payroll deduction to 403b
    • $400/mo payroll deduction to 457b
    • $290/mo to kid's 529
• $41k in savings/cash. Most of this is in a HYSA earning 4.6%. Partly a buffer for partner's upcoming income loss, partly to offset the cost of a bigger house project on the horizon.
• $183K in home equity (~$265k home value, ~$82k left on the mortgage at 2.25%)

Grand total net worth: $750k
Without the home equity, we're sitting at $567k of cash and invested assets, which feels pretty great to me, all told. It's been fun to watch that number creep up over the past few years and I'm excited to see where it goes over the next few.

We have been together 6 months now.
From the beginning I knew and noticed his room was a mess. To add context, he lives with his dad. After a few times of this consistently happening when I came over, I said it worries me that his room is messy in the case if we move forward. He said he understood and made efforts to remedy this. Last 2 months I've been over, it's been decently neat. Dusty and smaller piles of clothes remain, but not as bad as before. However, this past weekend when I came over it was in complete disarray. Suitcase from our trip 2 weeks ago still open, empty, but piles of clothes in each corner of his room. Old dirty dish near the garbage can, etc.
I made a joke "did a tornado come through here??" but he brushed it off with a joke too. I get being messy once in a while but the issue is his work hours have been cut recently so I don't know how the excuse of no time comes into play. His expansion of WoW did come out recently which I bet is taking up much of this time, but I find it unacceptable to not have time to have done laundry from 2 weeks ago especially with more down time. In addition, this lower word load will likely continue this summer, but when I suggested maybe keeping an eye out for a job, he said "maybe at the end of the year if my time remains cut".
Also related to the game. Before this past weekend I asked if he wanted to meet and he said ofc. But said Friday is going to be his raid but he would love me there by his side while he games. And "maybe Saturday evening too" after a dinner with my family "he signed us up for". Then "anything my queen wants Sunday. And in general". All this was done without asking me what I wanted to do. And now I'm put in a situation if I decline the family dinner, I look like an asshole. I asked how long he intended to game. He said most of Friday night and maybe Saturday but likely not if they can defeat the raid Friday night. So Friday he games for 3 hours. Mind you, I spent 1.5 hours in traffic to drive over. So when we met up it was 5pm. Raid started at 8pm and ran a little past 11pm. I got emotional cause I didn't think it would be that long and he was adamant about me being there so we can spend more time together. He could tell I was visibly upset so he asked me what's wrong and I said "lately there have been many things that remind me of shitty behaviors of my exes. They didn't care to spend time with me or value my time. I was taken for granted, etc". He said he felt bad that happened and said he was sorry. And that in the future he doesn't intend to play on days when he sees me, but had to these days for the sake of his guild. So they didn't finish the raid Friday and now he has to play Saturday too.
Come Saturday, we mostly do indoors things like watching anime before his family comes over at 4pm. We hang with them until 8pm. Raid begins at 8pm. He says the raid should be 1 hour max. It becomes a little over 2 hours and, again, this upsets me. I told him because he said 1 hour max and it became longer plus Friday's long raid time. I said this has happened with exes into games before and it makes me weary. He apologized and said he wouldn't game again with me around.
I need to add that I like being outdoors especially this time of year is perfect to go on walks in the park, little nearby towns, etc. I brought up in the past I like these things but we don't do them. Even when we wake up and we are discussing what to do for the day, I mention wanting to go on a walk or some activity sometime in the day. Sunday comes around and I say I would like to go on a walk in a park. He begins his excuses, "I don't have the right shoes, we have been to every park I know already, etc". We finally google maps and find a spot to go. We go for an hour max. And I feel he really didn't wanna be doing it. At the beginning suggestions tailored to what I liked to do was more commonplace. Now I feel I really gotta press about it to happen or because he kinda already dictates or set up what we are gonna do, that's what it is. And it wasn't this way from the beginning.
Last night/today we text about it and I explain again how it hurt me and he says "idk what to tell you about him, it was not my relationship, it sounds fucked up and makes me sad to hear and I feel bad about being compared to him". I responded "I don't mean to bring them up, but context is needed for me to explain why I was hurt."
No text back yet and I think a bigger talk is needed about these things, but how do I best approach it?
I want to add so I don't paint him in a terrible light: when gaming he sneaks kisses and cuddles in, he did ask what food I wanted 2 of those days and we did that.
Am I asking for too much/ where is my fault in this (I can see how I knew it was raid night and could have opted out but he also knew how long it was and I think it was a selfish ask of him to want me there), how to compromise through these things?
tldr: boyfriend has become messy again despite more time, gaming too much, time spent together is now swaying more heavily towards things we wants or he plans things without my input.
TYIA!

Hi there! This subreddit and one or two others are the only places I can find to post this (Hopefully this IS one of the right places). I'd deeply appreciate your knowledge / input!
I'm currently downsizing and moving out of a rented space into an entirely outdoor living situation. My partner has lots of experience doing long term outdoor living , mine is more limited - the longest for me was 1.5 months (closer to camping, though).
For some context, it's a woodsy, shady space, a bit mosquito-heavy atm but nothing I can't handle (also we've been cleaning it up and that reduced their numbers). We're set on gear, we have a great support system, and can walk to/access things that meet our needs (Edit: showers, laundry, food, pharmacy, etc). Plenty of tent space, solid batteries, an outdoor kitchen kitchen, storage (but not cold food storage yet), you get the idea. Right now we're settling into this spot for the summer and fall, with plans to get on the road later.
I'm 30sF, have some chronic pain conditions but am in decent shape considering. I'm not super heat (humidity, really) tolerant and have been struggling with that a bit. Lastly, I'll just add that since I entered my 30s, I have some hormonal stuff that can mess with my cycle, cause hot flashes, etc. so any tips on dealing with that stuff also welcome! Happy to provide any other needed details, just ask!
I'm asking this question because I have needs that my partner doesn't (like a skincare routine I've mostly adjusted to fit the new space), and though they've been extremely helpful when it comes to helping me meet those needs, I realized it'd be a good idea to put the question out there and ask what systems others might have in place that streamline / simplify / ease some aspect of outdoor living / homelessness / similar for you. Just wanna learn :)
I'd love to hear what your ritual/routine/system is for everything from keeping relatively clean (to your standard/context dependent) to doing laundry to switching out gear... What do you always do when you first get up? What do you need to do before the end of the night? What do you do with clothes that need to be laundered? What do you prioritize when a sudden storm comes on? How do you deal with humidity and the effect it has on skin, clothes, gear? Thank you so much for sharing!

Hi there! This subreddit and one or two others are the only places I can find to post this (Hopefully this IS one of the right places). I'd deeply appreciate your knowledge / input!
I'm currently downsizing and moving out of a rented space into an entirely outdoor living situation. My partner has lots of experience doing long term outdoor living, mine is more limited - the longest for me was 1.5 months (closer to camping, though).
For some context, it's a woodsy, shady space, a bit mosquito-heavy atm but nothing I can't handle (also we've been cleaning it up and that reduced their numbers). We're set on gear, we have a great support system, and can walk to/access things that meet our needs. Plenty of tent space, solid batteries, an outdoor kitchen kitchen, storage (but not cold food storage yet), you get the idea. Right now we're settling into this spot for the summer and fall, with plans to get on the road later.
I'm 30sF, have some chronic pain conditions but am in decent shape considering. I'm not super heat (humidity, really) tolerant and have been struggling with that a bit. Lastly, I'll just add that since I entered my 30s, I have some hormonal stuff that can mess with my cycle, cause hot flashes, etc. so any tips on dealing with that stuff also welcome! Happy to provide any other needed details, just ask!
I'm asking this question because I have needs that my partner doesn't (like a skincare routine I've mostly adjusted to fit the new space), and though they've been extremely helpful when it comes to helping me meet those needs, I realized it'd be a good idea to put the question out there and ask what systems others might have in place that streamline / simplify / ease some aspect of outdoor living / homelesssness / long term camping for you. Just wanna learn :)
I'd love to hear what your ritual/routine/system is for everything from keeping relatively clean (to your standard/context dependent) to doing laundry to switching out gear... What do you always do when you first get up? What do you need to do before the end of the night? What do you do with clothes that need to be laundered? What do you prioritize when a sudden storm comes on? How do you deal with humidity and the effect it has on skin, clothes, gear? Thank you so much for sharing!
Edit: added a word

Hi there! This subreddit and one or two others are the only places I can find to post this (Hopefully this IS one of the right places). I'd deeply appreciate your knowledge / input!
I'm currently downsizing and moving out of a rented space into an entirely outdoor living situation. My partner has lots of experience doing long term outdoor living, mine is more limited - the longest for me was 1.5 months (closer to camping, though).
For some context, it's a woodsy, shady space, a bit mosquito-heavy atm but nothing I can't handle (also we've been cleaning it up and that reduced their numbers). We're set on gear, we have a great support system, and can walk to/access things that meet our needs. Plenty of tent space, solid batteries, an outdoor kitchen kitchen, storage (but not cold food storage yet), you get the idea. Right now we're settling into this spot for the summer and fall, with plans to get on the road later.
I'm 30sF, have some chronic pain conditions but am in decent shape considering. I'm not super heat (humidity, really) tolerant and have been struggling with that a bit. Lastly, I'll just add that since I entered my 30s, I have some hormonal stuff that can mess with my cycle, cause hot flashes, etc. so any tips on dealing with that stuff also welcome! Happy to provide any other needed details, just ask!
I'm asking this question because I have needs that my partner doesn't (like a skincare routine I've mostly adjusted to fit the new space), and though they've been extremely helpful when it comes to helping me meet those needs, I realized it'd be a good idea to put the question out there and ask what systems others might have in place that streamline / simplify / ease some aspect of outdoor living / long term camping for you. Just wanna learn :)
I'd love to hear what your ritual/routine/system is for everything from keeping relatively clean (to your standard/context dependent) to doing laundry to switching out gear... What do you always do when you first get up? What do you need to do before the end of the night? What do you do with clothes that need to be laundered? What do you prioritize when a sudden storm comes on? How do you deal with humidity and the effect it has on skin, clothes, gear? Thank you so much for sharing!
Edit: added a word