TL;DR: I'm depressed/unemployed and live with my parents. I pay them back by being their emotional support and essentially being a therapist for my mom (yes, very unhealthy). She didn't get me anything for my birthday or christmas* and I'm upset about it. Also yes, I am very lucky and privileged.
(*She did get me last minute xmas gifts but they are panic gifts that aren't very thoughtful so like? idk. )

Some Family History:

I'll bullet point it for you, bc there's a lot.

• My mom has always had depression. Especially bad when I was a kid, but still pretty bad now.
• I'm also depressed (genetics, huh). I got pretty suicidal for a bit there, so I've spent the last three years living at home, unemployed and going to therapy
• My parents make good money and have good investments, so they can pay for my therapy. I'm lucky and grateful.
• My mom comes from a toxic family and as a result can be quite manipulative and nasty when she's upset.
• I get too involved in my parents bullshit. Therapist thinks I've been parentified, because I essentially look after their emotional well being and am their support system. My mom straight up treats me like her therapist. If I try and talk to her about my issues in return, she clams up or goes on a rant about how it's all her fault and she's a terrible mother. I can't actually confide in her without it deeply upsetting her. So the emotional support goes extremely one way.
• I feel stupid but I'm realizing more and more that this isn't good for me, and that I do actually have a choice. I can choose to not be this person for my parents. Who have an extremely unhealthy relationship, mostly because my mom and her aforementioned manipulative/nasty streak.
• I've asked my mom about her getting a therapist, but she insists there's no point for someone her age. Old dog/new tricks etc.
• I've been going to therapy and improving over the last few years and am hoping to re-enter the work force and leave home again in the spring.

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Situational Background:

• This is about Christmas presents. I know. It's terrible to complain about presents but I feel justified. Let me know if I'm not, lol. It's more about the lack of thought, than the lack of material items, if that makes sense.
• My mom used to work a lot and my dad hates christmas bc childhood trauma. They're now both in early retirement as of this year.
• So I do all the Christmas shopping, while they foot the bill. It's a good arrangement. I love buying thoughtful gifts for people, they get gifts.
• I really, really love gift giving. Getting someone the perfect gift is so important to me, and I spend a lot of time finding the perfect thing. Had an anxiety attack in a store bc I couldn't find the right scent for a candle for my sister. I take it way too far.
• I usually get fewer presents bc everyone else is busy working and not as enthusiastic as I am about gifts. I'm bummed out a little because gift giving is a way to make the people you love feel seen/understood/loved, but like. That's not how everyone sees it so I can't expect that from them, because it's not fair to put that huge burden of expectation on them. So I understand and I know it's my problem to deal with!
• Last Christmas, I got my mom such good, thoughtful, sentimental gifts that she was brought to tears. That's when I know I've done my job properly.
• I also did all the shopping for my mom's birthday, right after Christmas.
• My birthday is right after my mom's.

I usually write my family a wishlist of things to choose from bc they say I'm hard to shop for. My list this year included:

1. Bailey's Irish Creme
2. Quality Time
3. Gift Cards to certain stores
4. Someone to exercise with me
5. someone to play board/video games with.
6. a generic android tablet (around $300).

I don't expect to get everything on the list, these are just ideas! to help re: the hard to shop for thing.
Back to the bullet points:

• She's out of town on the day, as she's preparing to retire. We have a dinner before (nothing fancy, meat and potatoes etc), and she tells me that she'll sort presents out when she gets back.
• This does not happen.
• Reminds me of that time I turned 14 and my parents split up on my birthday and everyone forgot what the day was and I got nothing and was deeply sad and hurt about it.
• Yay childhood trauma for everyone!
• I literally asked for quality time, Idk what to tell you. Like. I know I'm a financial burden, so I asked for stuff that's free. My parents are both newly retired and have all the free time in the world. I don't understand.
• I confront my mom eventually. I tell her I'm hurt. She kind of... apologizes-but-not-really, because she'll only ever take the blame for things that aren't her fault.
• I'm sad. I pull away from her a little, to get some space.
• She asks my dad why I'm so distant with her and what my problem is, because she notices any change in your behavior towards her. My dad tells me these things. Yes it's unhealthy how we all interfere with each other's issues. You can't be upfront with my mom or she will, as my dad puts it, Go Thermo-Nuclear™.
• She starts giving me the cold shoulder, to give me a taste of my own medicine I guess? In her mind it's an appropriate, proportional response but it just makes me want to pull away even more.

The Main Reason I'm Mad:

• Now it's December.
• I'm a petty idiot so I consider just ignoring Christmas and leaving everyone to fend for themselves.
• Then I remember I'm an adult, so I don't do that.
• I do all the presents again. I enjoy it so it's not a burden.
• My sister works retail so can't be here on the 25th, so we actually had our Christmas last Tuesday (I called it Tuesmas because that's cute).
• I'm dreading it because I know I'm going to be disappointed. I'm also looking forward to it because I know I nailed it in the gift dept and I can't wait for people to open their things.
• My mom goes out on Monday afternoon and gets some gifts.
• Tuesmas Morning, we open gifts. I'm good at thoughtful things so my family all have a nice pile of gifts that I think they all liked.
• My mom got me a book about dealing with stress (I don't really have stress, but I have had a general anxiety disorder since I was about seven...?) and a weird glass birdfeeder (that has a weird greasy, dusty residue on it? It smells like vinegar for some reason).
• She actually also got me some chocolate santas and bic pens because? She went to the bookstore in our small town and panic bought some stuff? idk
• She did this because she was busy making some embroidery art for a woman from her old work for the two weeks leading up to Tuesmas/Early Christmas. And not, you know,doing anything for her daughters. She's big in to knitting/crochet/quilting so I've always appreciated home made gifts too.
• I open my two gifts, plus a gift from my sister who I have no issues with.
• And then spend another half hour handing out presents to my family because they still have a bunch of things to open.
• My mother's gifts include a heating pad for her back, a dotted journal for her knitting patterns, a bracelet she said she loved two months ago, some Lush stuff, and so on and so forth.
• I actually got everyone stuff from Lush and put it all in one big box bc otherwise the dogs would get at it all.
• As I'm handing out the things from the box, she asks me if there's anything for me in there.
• I ?????? told her no.

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So uh. That's it I guess. I know people think Love Language's are stupid but it's the best way for me to explain how important presents are to me.
I struggle to feel seen by my family to begin with so to have my mother just blatantly give up all pretenses of being bothered is really painful. I'm struggling with chronic mental illness but I put her shit first because she has no one else to support her because my parents relationship is broken.
I don't know really. I just wanted to vent about it and if anyone read this and thinks I'm rightfully angry, or woefully wrong and self centered then let me know! I'm happy to give additional info. Sorry about the bullet points, it's the only way I could keep things concise.
Thanks for reading. I'm upset and hoping I'm justified in feeling that way. Hoping I'm not a self absorbed, nasty mess of a person like my mom.