I am not The OOP, OOP is u/familysuck96
AITAH for snapping my parents after they told me they used what was intended for college to help my brother and his family?
Originally posted to AITAH
Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU
TRIGGER WARNING: ableism, favoritism
Original Post May 28, 2024
Obvious throwaway account.
I was not planning to go straight to college, I wanted to take a year off I saved up some money from work. More or less school, sports, and work is all I have done. I wanted to live a little before I go to college. I told my parents about this two years ago. I assured them I all intentions to go to school just wanted to live for a little before hand. It seems they were cool with it.
Advance about a year and a half I told my parents I was looking to start college next semester this is when they told me that I no longer had any money. They did not think I was going to use it, and my brother's wife was diagnosed with MS and can no longer work so they gave my brother my college fund. It was a sizable amount. My parents did not do put it into a 529 plan, my father created an investment account that was in his name but intended for me. Last I was told total amount was around $224,418. Account has been open for 19 and half years.
I get legally I had no claim to the money since it was in my father's name. I also get I am not entitled to my parents financial assistance with higher education. All that being said I lost it with my parents and told them off and said many hurtful things some I regret some I do not.
My parents have told my family and been getting calls and texts stating how hurtful my comments were and the money my dad gave my brother and his family saved them. My initial reaction is why is that my problem? I get it must suck going from two incomes to one, and having a two child ontop of a wife with MS has is appears to be aggressive. While callous how is that my problem? Why should my future he impacted over someone else's life?
My father is not even willing to cosign a loan with me. I mean I am still going to school, I know you go find ways to make it cheaper go to community college for gen Ed's and stuff the transfer. Many grants and scholarships.
AITAH for more or less telling my family they all ducking suck trying to preserve the future of someone that has no real future. His wife MS has aggressively progressed in the brief time she has had it. Gone from working to needing assistance getting to the bathroom. Sure it may not inherently be a life limting disease, but it sure is a mobility limiting disease and she is only 33 and she is already this bad? Hate to be that person my father made an bad investment. That money is going to get eaten up rather quickly.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
Agoraphobe961

Info: did at any point did you or other relatives besides parents contribute to the fund? Your first statement sounds like you did which could give you some leeway for a legal case or at least leverage to get your dad to co-sign.
While you are not “owed” the money, your parents did spend 19 years giving you a verbal contract that you had a college fund

OOP

No I did not add to the account. I lived off the money I saved from working while also doing side hustles for extra cash when needed.

~
petitefunsassy

I don’t understand why they needed the entire amount right away.
I don’t get how you can be close and communicating you will be going to college and they give away the money you were counting on without talking to you about it?
I don’t get how your SIL ms issues aren’t covered by insurance and social security disability.

OOP

Living expenses, it appears getting disability for MS is rather annoying to get. I do not know the extra details but I do know his wife did make good money before, she made more than my brother. They also have kids so yeah I am sure they money helped them a lot.
I do not know the ins and outs of their situation to answer your questions accurately.

When asked if he was living at home and off his parents

I was not no, as mentioned I had some money saved up I lived off that and did side hustles when I need extra cash. I did not live with my parents either shared an apartment with my friends

OOP Updated the post the next day May 29, 2024
Update: Have not read all of the comments, but wanted to clear some things up I have seen. I am going to be 20 in January. I did get accepted to U of Penn I will have to see what options are available for me, if nothing is available I will probably just go the state school route. Thankfully I am going to school for electrical engineering with a focus in power systems. Hopefully means I will not have a hard time finding a job. Reason I took the year off before going to straight into college is because some friends I game with are also engineers and they told me if they had the option they would hold off a year or two before going to college since from that point on it is all a grind. So that is what I did, I told my parents my plan they said they were okay with it and even told me the account was not going anywhere.
It was my mistake to put my trust in my parents. I should have followed the the mindset only person you can count on is yourself. Which is what I am doing going forward. My family does not care about me, and that is fine. I acknowledge what I said was harsh and I could have framed what I said better. Point still stands as others have pointed out. The money is a band aide, they are going to run through it and find themselves in a similar situation down the road. Sure I have options aviabile, but comparing them isn't getting my SIL on Medicaid a much cheaper and more viable option? Insurance could help fund her treatments and assistance she may need for as long as she qualifies.
The money will run out, and what then? I hope for my brother's and his family sake our parents don't just pull the rug from underneath him later down the road. As I have found out their word holds little value.
I also do not believe for a moment everyone saying they would be understanding would be as understanding had this happen to them. It is easy to say from the sidelines but it is hard to be open minded to the situation when you planned around a certain thing being there especially because your parents promised you. You expect your parents to be the ones that will keep a promise with their child.
Does not matter, at this point I know exactly where I stand. My brother not only had his college paid for by our parents, he has got a house from them as a wedding gift. I am unaware if he knew the money he got was my college fund or what but I do not care at this point. I will be fine going forward this is not the end of the world for me. So many people go to school without their parents money I can also do it. This is less about the money and more so the fact they are taking a piss on me and trying to pass it off as rain. I would have been more understanding if they just came to me at told me what they planned to do. I would be pissed but I could respect their honesty. How they went about it was scummy.
To those that are also saying they parents would not sign my loans because of what I said. I asked about the cosigner before I said all those things. At first I was upset but I knew with them cosigning I could still pay for school, and given their financial situation hopefully my rate would be on the lower side. Everything blew up the moment they told me they could not cosign a loan with me. So yeah I doubt that is why they said no.
I will keep reading the comments and will answer some I see throughout the day.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
cgm124

Honestly I would go NC and block them from your life, what did your parents say to you when you called them out?

OOP

Nothing to me, they just checked out. Clearly they had a lot to say to my family though. Given the phone calls and text messages.
I know where I stand with them and yeah I am done with them.

~
heepofsheep

Have you talked to your brother? He basically got both college funds… would he be willing to at least co sign your loans?
If your parents wanted to help that badly why didn’t they take a loan against their 401k?? Hell they could still do that fund your college…. Except of course they’d be sacrificing their wellbeing instead of theirs….

OOP

Part of me wants to I really do but I am also afraid. I want to ask if he knew it was my college fund he was getting. I am afraid of the answer. Doubt I will ask though if I am being honest.
Yeah that is a good question. Overall they probably feel the same way I do. Why should they have to suffer because another person is sick. They just come off as being the good guys in this equation because they offered help. Knowing my parents especially my dad the money was never part of their plans. It was more or less extra money.

Why take a year off after high school

I took a year off because I saved up most of my pay over from 16 to 18. Had I known they were going to give away my college fund if I did not go I would have just gone.
I thought it was best to take a year off now, cause after college I will be spending most of my life working. I had the means, I was using the money I saved nothing from my parents.
I made a plan based on a promise. You are right though if you cannot trust your parents to keep a promise who can you trust.

LAST COMMENTS FROM OOP

I am more so mad that my older brother got his free ride, a house when he got married, and on top got my free ride also. Yeah I came to vent, I also don't buy others wouldn't be upset either. My parents knew my plan, were on board, told me the money would be there when I was ready. Then when you go to collect they tell you it is all gone, and then when you ask if they would he willing to cosign they also say no. Pretty sure most people would be livid in that situation also. Sure maybe they would say what I said but the raw emotion probably would be present in nearly everyone. It is easy to say from the sidelines how they would handle it. Sure I am sure people will say they will handle it with grace. Good for you.
I will be fine, I am still going to school and I will make sure to learn my lesson that I cannot count on my parents to keep their word and I will make sure I never in a position where I am relying on handouts. My parents taught me a great lesson cannot trust anyone but yourself not even family.

When called on talking about someone with MS they OOP did

So you have never said anything hurtful in the heat of the moment after you had the rug pull from you?

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Expensive_Pangolin60
WIBTA for calling off a wedding because my fiancé is extremely frugal?
Originally posted to AITAH abusiverelationships and OOP's own page
BoRU 1 Posted by u/ParadoxicalState
BoRU 2 Posted by u/Stephenallen1977
TRIGGER WARNING: emotional abuse, trauma, financial struggles, neglect, psychological manipulation
MOOD SPOILERS: sad - but generally positive overall
Original Post June 06, 2023
I 31F struggle with my fiancé’s 32M frugalness and not sure if I want to marry him anymore after 3 year relationship.
Throwaway as my Fiancé follows my regular account.
I met my Fiancé 3 years ago. He came out of an abusive marriage just 2 years before we met. One of her absolute abuses was financial. She bled him dry. Made him buy expensive jewelry only to give it away or break it after an argument. Designer shoes, clothes, big house cars… Caribbean trips. you name it she made him pay for it. She also took him to the cleaners in the divorce.
However. My Fiancé is very well off. He makes far over 6 figures almost 7. On top of that he inherited a few millions from his grandfather and his parents gifted him and his siblings also a few cool millions.
So yes the financial abuse was bad but he does not suffer financially. He has more money than he will ever need.
So last year I moved into his house. I do not pay rent but I split the bills and buy food. I pay for my own clothes and jewelry. I have a good job and I can take care of myself. However things have been taking a turn for the worse and I feel miserable.
His house was empty when I moved in. He had hand me down furniture. Maybe 3 forks and 2 knives. He wouldn’t put on the heating so the house felt cold and moldy. He has no curtains, no decorations. His ex took everything not bolted down and he was too cheap to replace it. Just imagine a million dollar house like that!
I am grateful that I can live in his house. It is something I could never afford myself. But I didn’t want to live in squalor! So I bought some kitchen supplies, some furniture… but at some point I realized I was dipping in my savings all the time and he did nothing. I looked into curtains but those things are expensive. His house has so many windows it is crazy. I didn’t want to pay for this anymore.
I told him I needed a fund to furnish his house. He blew up at me that I was just with him for his money. I pointed out all the money I spend on his house. The gifts and the trips because he pays for nothing ever. Because he wants to be sure I am not here for the money. The fact is, if we break up I have nothing… the house is not mine. If I spend all my savings on his house I will be left with absolutely nothing! He wants a prenup and I am fine with that but I can’t help but feel used.
Next to that I am jealous of his ex wife. I feel like she got treated and I am neglected. He proposed to his ex on a cruise with a 10.000 dollar white gold diamond ring. I got the rhodium plated Swarovski stuff that might cost like 100 bucks. The proposal was at a picnic in the park I organized, payed groceries for and slaved in the kitchen for. I almost said no out of pure disappointment . However I am afraid to bring it up and to be called a golddigger. I don’t want to be funding a millionaire’s lifestyle. He loves everything as long as I pay for it. As soon as he has to pay it is frivolous, unnecessary….
I can live like a poor person by myself. At least the fact there are literal millions lying around doesn’t hang over me to bum me out.and I would just be paying for my own lifestyle.
WIBTA for calling of a wedding purely for financial reasons. Because I love this man, but I imagine our cheap wedding in contrast to his ex her extravaganza, will our future kids be able to have some luxuries? Or only if I pay for it? What if I ever become a stay at home mom? Will I have to beg to put the heating on?
Edited to answer questions I see a lot: I know the abuse is not made up. His family and friends told me seperate stories of the abuse they witnessed. Not only did it confirm it, it showed me she was way more terrible than I thought. Like stealing heirloom jewelry of his grandma with alzheimer right after she was widowed. Pretending she was gifted these things even though every one knew grandma hated her guts.
I did not realize or see he is doing the same to me as she was to him and he is (subconsciously) punishing me for what was done to him.
I am not trying to force a lifestyle in him where he was previously happy in. He told me prior to moving in that he left his house like this because he was depressed after his wife took everything ( even the curtains) that it makes him sad and he wants a cozy home. He just didn’t know where to start.
His house is paid off, thanks to grand dad. He isn’t actually spending much on utilities either, house is very well isolated and has solar panels. It is weird to see how cheap being rich really is.
I am not asking for designer furniture. Ikea all the way and I have refurbished second hand furniture myself. I am actually pretty thrifty .
I see where my jealousy over the ex her lifestyle might have triggered some people. Let me explain. A 10.000 dollar ring is insane and stupid to me. I do not want that because I would fear for losing it every day. I don’t need an over the top wedding … however, it almost feels like for her he did effort. Wanted to give her what made her happy. Put effort and thought in it. With me it almost feels like he wants to prove how little he can give me.
He talked about how he would see the wedding and it is cheaper than my actually financially struggling cousin her wedding. I can’t help but feel he wants to demonstrate how cheap he can treat me! And I already feel embarrassed about the family that would have been to both and I will feel like the discount wife. I don’t like to say it but it feels like he gets of on it to some extend. We are almost talking washing paper plates at this moment.
Yes I did discuss selling the mansion I really don’t need and move to a more modest house. Especially knowing this is the house his ex picked. He doesn’t want to do that. He loves this house… but I feel really intimidated living in a house I could never afford anyway. And so many large windows… tjeesh
I havn’t talked to him yet but pauze on the marriage and counseling is a must . I already am looking for IC because I realized I might indeed be too much of a people pleaser allowing him to control me with the ghost of his ex. I also am going to seperate for a while. I am looking to rent something for a few months so I can get some space.
Thank you all for your insights !
RELEVANT COMMENTS
SeniorDay

NTA. - “I understand you’ve had some trauma in your past and I’m sorry you went through that. But I can’t allow you to mistreat me because of it. It burns me up inside that you gave her everything, but I have to beg for the bare minimum. I deserve to feel cherished by my partner, as I have cherished you.”*

OOP

Oomph that hit me right in the feels.

~
moth_girl_7

“I am not with you because of the money you have, and if you can’t trust that then that’s something you need to work on. I cannot live without heat, furniture, curtains, and basic decency just to prove to you that I am not a financial abuser like your ex. It feels as if you are projecting that image onto me and that is unfair.” His way of coping is extremely unhealthy. What he should be doing is talking to a therapist about how he can communicate his needs to you, not shutting you out and behaving the complete opposite of how he did with this ex. He should set some healthy boundaries on how he spends his money, sure, but he also needs to acknowledge that you asking for some financial contribution to the house you live in isn’t the same as his ex demanding he take her on a cruise. He needs to find some ways he can feel appreciated when he does spend money on things you benefit from, and he needs to trust that he is in full control of his money, you have no desire to take that from him.*

Update 1 June 10, 2023 (4 days later)
Originally posted to AITAH, but was removed by the mods. Preserved on user's account.
Okay I hope this update makes sense because I am very confused and not really doing that well at the moment.
Well Reddit you changed my life. thank you so much for all your ideas and insights. Honestly I don’t think I would have had the courage to do what I did without you guys. I went to therapy Took the day off just to get my racing mind to calm down.
Therapy has confirmed things you guys suspected. I am a people pleaser, I wanted to “save” him and I have internalized the idea that any effort and every penny I want him to spend on me makes me a gold digger. I will have weekly sessions to work on me. I realized I would have never taken this treatment from any of my exes. Even though I made more then them. The idea I had to proof myself “ worthy “ to be with a millionaire and not be in there for the money got in to my head pretty early.
I called one of his siblings I am pretty close with and just told her everything. She was not surprised but just sad about how unhappy he was making me. She told me that from the day we started he had this idea that “ I was out of his league”. He struggled to understand why I wanted to be with him and he probably just thought : it must be my money. She told me she already talked to him in the past to treat me better. She was furious about the proposal.
This information confused me a little. I was a little hurt she never discussed any of this before but she thought it was none of her business. She also explained how she and her husband organized their finances. He also doesn’t have as much as her.
I took the opportunity to pack a bag. I haven’t n’t found a place yet but I am going to stay with my parents. I made up my mind that I will at least want 6 months apart to get myself in order. I made sure my stuff was in the car because honestly I had no idea how the conversation would go.
so into the most difficult part. The talk. I waited for him to come home. He was pretty late but I didn’t want to sleep another night on this. Pretending I was fine while I was contemplating all this just ate me up.
I had written down what I wanted to say. I have never been so scared before. I didn’t want to hurt him and I didn’t know how he would react. I took some advice from here. I opened that I was moving out and that I wanted to pauze our engagement. He was very quiet and just sat down. I told him he really hurt me by calling me a golddigger and that I am done walking on eggshells and feeling guilty for just wanting basic things. I told him I was unhappy and felt neglected. I also told him that after 3 years of me showing up for him he still doesn’t think I am here for him, it is not going to happen.
He was just quiet. He didn’t say anything. I told him that the constant comparing to his ex was unhealthy and unfair.Punishing me for her sins was abusive. I told him comparing her to me all the time has triggered me comparing myself to her and starting to feel like she was worth more than me. One of the things about her was mostly ungratefulness. He would do nice things for her but it was never enough. The thing is, he doesn’t do nice things for me and I have to be grateful for the pleasure of picking up the bill.
I told him he was not ready for marriage. That I dreaded having kids with him and live like this. That is didn’t trust he would take care of me if I would become a SAHM. And at that point I just called him abusive and a user. I was getting pretty angry saying all this out loud. Losing my composer and script a little bit.
He remained quiet with almost no emotion on his face. I stayed quiet but nothing came out so I decided that I would just leave. Only when I got up to go he said please don’t go. He asked me if I was pausing the wedding or calling it of. He wanted to know if it was over or if he still had a shot.
I told him I wanted out of this house. I honestly don’t want to live in his ex her palace of sadness anymore. I needed him to go to therapy and especially financial therapy. I needed a separation. I told him I was open to couples counseling if he went into IC.
He begged me not to do the separation but honestly I really really wanted it. I just told him to think about it and I left him. He was finally showing some emotions. He was crying at this point.
He sent me a very long text somewhere in the AM. Told me he was a wreck and couldn’t sleep. He made all kinds of promises. He would go into therapy, sell his house, buy a smaller one and make sure I am taken care of whatever happens. He said he would help me decorate and we will make a home. He again asked me to please come “home”. But to me it doesn’t feel like home there anyway.
I feel very empty and tired. I have been sleeping most of the day. I feel guilty but also a little bit relieved if that makes sense.I don’t know if I actually want back if he does all that. Idk I am a little unsteady right now. I need some time to proces.
I will go back for the kitchen supplies and my tv. I won’t take anything else of the furniture. This for the exact same reason I was unwilling to buy everything: his house is huge so the couch is huge … I can’t take it.
Update2 Jul 04 2023 (1 month later)
Hi everybody. Let me just say I am overwhelmed by the number of people really caring about me and asking for updates. Strangers who care about you is a feeling like no other thank you!
So as I said I left. I am looking for an apartment I can afford. My parents are helping out. I am living with them and saving up.
I am not closing all doors but as for now we are broken up. I have no contact. The first week he transferred a large amount to my account. It really rubbed me the wrong way. It just showed me that he still thought that money was what kept me here. I deducted the couch I left and transferred everything else back I asked for no contact after this.
He has been respectful of it and I feel free at the moment. I felt guilty for my needs. For wanting to be taken out every once and a while. The longer I am out the harder I realize it was abuse. I have an autoimmunity problem and the cold house caused it to flare up. Even after that he kept turning the heat down. He rather have me miserable than pay what? 100 dollars extra in the end of the year?
The last thing I heard is that he put the palace of sadness on the market. I have seen the adds so happy he is going through with that. I heard of his sister that he is in therapy. I am happy for that and I hope he keeps that up! He is keeping his promises so far but I need to see real change and even then I really don’t know.
I am building my own life by myself. Thinking about getting a puppy. If I give him another shot. It has to start all from scratch. I want to start dating again and take it slow.
Therapy is really a good idea. I now know I was just bringing this on myself as a people pleaser. Savior… wanting this man to be happy so bad I forgot about myself. Never again.
So that is all there is to say really
RELEVANT COMMENTS
gurlwithdragontat2

Best of luck! Please never forget your worth again, because others will shortchange you if so.*

OOP

True! I allowed this from day one and let him play his fantasy revenge on me. The red flags were there so early. Loving ourselves is the key to a happy life

~
​ SummerFlip

My question is, did you previously communicate your feelings before just ending it? Did you wait until you stopped loving him?*

OOP

I did. Multiple times. I had a few break downs where I told him I was unhappy especially when my autoimmunity disease just kicked into high gear I told him I was done being cold. Then the discussions started about what is cold and I had to negotiate a temperature setting he was okay with , he would still turn it down behind my back. The curtains were just the last straw for me. He was giddy and happy about all other changes I made to his home with my money I thought it would not be so weird to ask him to pitch in right? I had done so much, sacrificed so much and he still blew up at me? What kind of golddigger pays for everything for 3 years? If I was one I was really bad at it So yes I communicated, over and over and nothing changed. I am pretty shocked he is actually doing something right now but honestly I think it is a little too late. I don’t want to shut the door completely but I will never ever be cold in my life ever again

Financially abusive fiancé : It’s over for good, my final update Sep 21 2023 (3 months after OG post)
Thank you for everyone reaching out to me. I have closed in on a little apartment for myself. I got a puppy.
After being in a home where I was truly loved: my parents I realized how sad, cold and alone I had been. Over time I went blind for a lot of things.
Blind to a comfortable home temperature. Comfortable with thinking about every penny spend. Feeling guilty for buying that dress I wanted for so long that was finally on sale. Feeling entitled for wanting date nights… being treated sometimes.
I started to think about what makes me happy. I love to travel, dress up to go to a nice restaurant. Throw dinner parties, entertain people, think about Christmas gifts 6 months in advance. Have a cosy house…. And I realized just how much he had taken from me with that one little sentence: is that really necessary…
Is anything ever? If you have a roof, food, bed and a TV you are there right? Is travel necessary? Is having nice clothes necessary? Is a shower necessary? A haircut? A party? A hobby? A wedding? No!
I know now that abusers are not per definition bad people. He is broken and he has trauma I have no time or energy for. He got free from abuse and decided to become the abuser. I know he is in therapy and we initially agreed on 6 months no to low contact. But I felt I was certain it was not for me anymore and I didn’t want to keep him dangling.
Breaking up with him was very hard. It made me very sad. I never wanted to hurt him and I loved this man very deeply. I wanted us to be each others happy ever after. We both came from dark places and I wanted us to thrive together. His family told me I was the one, I was everything he was looking for and I felt so lucky.
But we only have 1 life and he has so much work to do before he even becomes the bear minimum of what I needed.
I feel failed. Like my story has a bad ending. I feel very broken and sad. I will take my time to just be me. I hope he does the same. I truly hope he finds the one and becomes happy. Mostly I hope that for myself but for now I am enough by my self with the pupper!
Thank you all for your time and support. I am going to have a little cry in some furbaby’s fluffy fur
RELEVANT COMMENTS
NolaCat94

This is so far from a bad ending. A bad ending would've been staying until nothing was left of you. A bad ending would've been him bleeding you dry and you being stuck. You put yourself first and that will always be good. And to add to the positivity, this is probably the kick he needed to get past his trauma.*

OOP

I think you are spot on. He has said these things himself. He didn’t know how bad he was until he came home to me leaving. He has told me he hates himself for letting me walk and letting me be this miserable. He is in therapy ( as far as I know because I am No contact ) and I hope he does well. I really felt once I was out how much of myself was lost. I went through quite a dark time realizing how far I went for this man. But I am getting better.

~
ZestyLemonAsparagus

It does feel like a sad ending, I get the sadness of knowing the magical ending wasn’t going to happen, of the hope that he would see the light and make the changes he needed to in order to make you feel valued. But at the end of the day it’s a happy ending as well, you have a puppy who loves you and he demonstrated through his anger that he still holds his values of stinginess higher than he holds you, so you don’t have to wonder. This really, really feels like the ending of Inside Out, where a core memory comes in and it is a mix of Joy and Sadness. And sadness isn’t bad, sadness helps us remember what is important. You are important. I’m happy for you that you have been able to connect with the things that bring you joy, and surrounded yourself with them.*
But… please stay open. I know you have joked that you are fine being single forever, and if that is the course of your life, then that’s all well and good. Being single doesn’t mean lonely as you truly know while you entertain in your apartment. Guard yourself against become a version of your ex in the same way he became a version of his ex, not that you would abuse others but that you would abuse yourself by closing yourself off from people to keep yourself safe. You deserve that joy, and all the happiness in the world.*

OOP

Thank you. I will be open to someone again but only when it comes out of a place of “ wow this person is something else” not interested in anything else. I know now I ran past several red flags just because this man could give me the life I dreamed of. Married, nice house, some kids. A life with no worries … but he was not that man.
He has send me letters upon letters how sorry he is, taking accountability. But I can’t anymore. I just don’t want to try again. I hope he does well for himself. He is in therapy and doing his best. I hope he is happy one day. I just don’t want to be part of it anymore. So yes it is no Disney ending. But it is also not my ending. It is a real beginning

~
Ok-Act-8736

He’s now taking accountability? Last time he was angry at you for not respecting what je can do with his money*

OOP

Yep he is very sorry about that. He doesn’t know why reacted like that. He is ashamed about it. Money suddenly doesn’t matter to him anymore. These are all things in his texts letters and phone calls.
But it has been a while since I have had contact with him. Even if he changes a lot now… my question is : why couldn’t he do that then. I got sick, when I got sad and told him I was unhappy… why can he only change when he is in pain because I left? That says it all.
I really hope he finds himself and that he will be happy in the future but I don’t want to be part of it anymore

NEW UPDATE

Some things that kept me on my path during leaving my abusive relationship Dec 26, 2023 (4 months since last update)
I was in a financially abusive relationship. With enough time passing now I am more comfortable with the word abuse. I fought it for a long time because he did not scream at me, hit me or called me names.
He just used triangulation and the image of his abusive ex to use my own kindness against myself and to get me to fall in line. Spend my limited savings into furniture, luxuries and nights out for a goddamn multi millionaire just to have some comfort in life. Constantly trying to prove I was no gold digger by having 0 needs, living in a cold house and buy him everything he could ever want. I never lived a impoverished existence then when I was with a person who actually had loads of money. More than I could possibly comprehend.
When I left I really struggled to keep at it. I was so scared to go at life by myself. To actually have to pinch Pennie’s. He kept telling me what I wanted to hear for so long. Went into therapy, begged me to come back. It digged into my resolve. Made me doubt if I was making a mistake.
A few things made me go on:

1. My colleagues who are more friends than coworkers who knew all my stories into details hugged me and told me they were so proud of me for leaving. Their feeling was so authentic it rubbed off on me. I was also proud I left and I couldn’t let them and me down by going back
   
2. My boss once passed my office when I was working late and he said:” Never give men second chances! They never change. You deserve someone who gets it right from the start.” I don’t know what prompted him to say this to me but it stuck with me.
   
3. My trainer who knows some stories said to me: you gave everything to get less then nothing back ! It is like me getting a 100 bucks from you and to repay you I’ll take another 100 bucks from your wallet! why would you want to take that deal again? He has a debt with you he can’t repay and I don’t mean cash. I mean emotional energy, love and kindness.
   
4. I read somewhere: don’t wake up in the same miserable place 10 years from now because you feared the change you have to make today. That hit me very hard.
   

I have bought my own apartment. I felt like a poor little mouse being surrounded by people who make my monthly wage in a few days! But the fact is I have a very good job. I earn far above average. I am able to have a nice place, nicely furnished. And I can even support a puppy.
I live by myself but feel endlessly more warmth then in a relationship. I love myself way more. I am not riddled with guilt over wanting to have a cozy house. Go out for dinner sometimes. I am so happy I dragged myself out of this relationship. I kept at it and moved on.
Keep going. One foot in front of the other. It is hard but you can do this! I am proud of you!
OOP Updared in the comments Apr 9, 2024 (4 since last update)
The money is gone. I am not going to get that back or fight for it. I even had to block him because at some point he got petty and wanted me to pay rent for the time I lived with him so no way I was opening that discussion. Whatever… lesson learned . I may look poor compared to millionaires but I am doing fine.
The sister and I did get along for a while. We share a hobby and talked about that. But recently I have been official and out in the open with my new boyfriend and she struggles with this. Maybe she was hoping it would still work out or something I don’t know. But she has been one a lot colder.
This man… wow! People say never settle because there is better out there for you… I never believed it. Honestly I was ready to be a crazy dog lady for the rest of my life. I was enjoying being single. My friends urged me to start dating just to get the hang of it… he was my 3rd date. I went against my will and was 100% not into it but when I saw him in real life…omg sparks flew like never before ! I am in my thirties so you would have thought experienced it all… but this??? Wow
He is everything my ex was not. He is kind and caring. Cooks me dinner. Gets flustered but is grateful for gifts he gets. He treats me to dinners. Will not even allow me to go Dutch on it. He has planned and booked dates and trips months in advance even before we were well and good official. Buys me gifts! He is not as wealthy as my ex. But he makes a good living. His income is comparable to mine but he treats me like a queen. And between me and you ( and all redditors that dig this deep in the comments) the love making is INSANE ! I guess giving people give everywhere freely.
So please take away to never settle! Ever ! Trust the process babe!
RELEVANT COMMENTS
ConditionBig6373

I hope you told him off! After the abuse you suffered he should shit his mouth and be grateful you didn't sue him for emotional distress!

OOP

Too much energy to waste on a man who wasted so much already. I just never want to see him again. I hope he finds the help he needs and I hope he becomes a happy person but I do not want to be anywhere near him.
I am so happy with my current boyfriend. I don’t understand how I fought for so long to keep this man.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/No-Taro-7338
Originally posted to TrueOffMyChest + relationship_advice + AmItheAsshole
I just found out that my husband of 10 years has never loved me
Previous BoRU #1 posted by u/Big-Experience-3640 + BoRU #2 posted by u/Longjumping-Rub-8611
Trigger Warnings: possible financial abuse, property damage, abuse, emotional abuse, hostile workplace, exploitation, physical violence, major medical issues
Original Post: May 3, 2022
My whole world is crashing right now. I never thought that this could happen to me. I am deeply in love with my husband and I thought he loved me too.
My husband Sam and I met after college at a book club. We fell in love and married a year later right out of college. I honestly though that my life was a dream come true. He was kind and silly and he made me feel loved.
I found out last week that my husband never loved me. I overheard Sam talking to his friend on FT when he thought I couldn't hear. His friend was congratulating Sam on bagging me, because "I'm loaded". That's not true. Though I make a decent living and my parents recently had some success in their business abroad, I don't make nearly enough to be considered wealthy, perhaps upper middle class at best. It's not like I can quit my job tomorrow and be set for life. I'm a financial analyst and make $300K working 70 hours a week. Sam is a customer service advisor for a bank and makes $50K working 35 hours a week.
Edit: Yes, I was in investment banking out of college. Sam has had this job for 4 months. He has a spotty work history due to not getting along with his bosses.
Sam then said that all his planning paid off and he'd live the easy life. His friend added that he couldn't imagine being married to me, waking up to my face. I've never been very attractive, I'm very skinny and have a thin face and a wide nose, but Sam made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. Sam just laughed and said "it's easy when you have the mindset." I pretended I didn't hear and went back upstairs and just lied in bed.
I've been sleeping on the couch with the excuse of working late and not disturbing him. Every time, I've woken up in our bed with him cuddling me. I don't feel loved. I feel used. I don't know what to do.
Comments
OOP on if she had a prenup with her husband

We don't have a prenup. I regret it.

OOP on why their earnings are not enough to live comfortable in their area

I know it's far more than most Americans, but it's not enough for someone to lie for 10 years about. He could have found anyone else.
It's definitely not enough to be truly wealthy, just comfortable. If he wanted to bag someone could he have not found someone else? He didn't have to lie to me and say he loved me . It is comfortable. Just not wealthy. When I think of wealthy, I think of people who don't have to work for a living.
I have serious medical conditions that cost a lot of money, partially exacerbated by my work life. I used to work 80-100 hour weeks. Plus, I had been paying off my husband's student loans of $80,000 as well as our mortgage. I do not have student loans because I (thankfully) earned a scholarship.
I grew up in poverty on food stamps and I'm terrified of going back to that life.
Edit: and his credit card debt

OOP responded to multiple redditors telling her to divorce her husband as he was using her

I have honestly resigned myself to a life alone if I do divorce my husband. No one has expressed any interest in me. The only time I was asked out was as a joke.
I had a friend in college who shared my interests and my hobbies and was fun. I was in love with him. I was short and very skinny and he was my height and quite chunky and we had a in group nickname based on that. When our friends would say we looked like a couple he would make gagging noises and say it's disgusting but in a joking way. when I got the courage to ask him out, he laughed himself sick.
Edit: I am unattractive and have serious health conditions. I am statistically unlikely to find another husband. It's alright. I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't love me.

OOP on how she got a job at 19 and earning so much

I graduated at 19 and had a very well paying job. To the tune of 6 figures. I grew up in poverty on food stamps so this was a dream for me. My parents only very recently had success with their business back in their home country. We are immigrants.
Sam was kind of broke because of bad financial habits. he had been financially cut off from his parents who were middle class. He had $80000 of student loans (I've paid off over half) and $20,000 of credit card debt (which I've also paid off)

OOP on an example when she overheard her husband’s conversation with his friend

Sam and his friend were talking about an upcoming trip to Prague we were going to book. I was paying for it. That was what sparked the whole conversation on "bagging a free ride"
He laughed when his friend said those hurtful, but accurate things about my appearance. His friend made more comments on how Sam could stand to wake up to me.
I was also hurt because his friend had always been very nice to me before.
It would have been nice if Sam said he stayed with me for something other than my salary. For him, I'm apparently an easy grift. . You're probably right. My husband insists that the conversation never happened, he never said anything, and that I was hallucinating due to stress.
I felt hurt because I thought the friend was a nice person. He had been quite kind and welcoming before. Though I am not attractive, there was no need to insult me like that if I heard correctly.
They were talking about our upcoming trip to Czechia in 2023 which I am paying for. That was how the conversation started.

 
Update: May 6, 2022
Last night I came home late and my husband was waiting for me. He had been blowing up my phone for the entire day, spamming me with accusing, but not untrue messages. The conversation did not go well...He accused me of avoiding him, which was true. I just couldn't look at him. I used work as an excuse. He said I was withholding affection from him. He also accused me of being unfaithful to him, which was never true. I have a new coworker who just started approximately two weeks ago and Sam was convinced I was having an affair with them. I told him I didn't even know that coworker. How could I have an affair?
I finally told him about what I overheard and how hurt I was. His response was to deny ever having that conversation and deny ever saying anything. He told me I probably misheard something or hallucinated due to stress.
I received several very helpful messages about a post my husband might have made. Though some of the details don't match up, most of it do (our salaries, the time we've been married, the couch thing) and I asked him if he wrote the reddit post. He told me he doesn't do reddit but didn't outright deny making the post and asked me what I was doing on my phone all day for the past few days, which was reading all your messages on this throwaway. I told him that and he looked incredibly upset.
I told him that what he did really hurt me and he still insisted it never happened. I asked him if he ever loved me and he said "Don't be stupid, of course I do. You're the one cheating on me." I told him I never cheated on him. It felt like the conversation was going in circles.
I brought up the possibility of a postnup, and he scoffed and said he didn't want to divorce. If I tried to divorce him, he had a right to a lot of alimony. That part is true. Our state has strong alimony rights for spouses with salary differences. He only had his job for a few months and it's the highest paying one he has had. He said "Who's going to take care of you when you're sick if you try to divorce me?"
I asked him if he ever lied to me or hid things from me and eventually he admitted that the way we met wasn't an accident. He knew who I was and that I would be there and pretended to stumble into me as an excuse to make conversation. I demanded counseling as a first step and to my surprise he agreed.
At that point, I was getting a splitting headache- not a migraine, which I also get often. I went to bed and he gave me a glass of water and medicine and we just didn't bring it up. I took today off work because I feel burnt out. I don't feel like anything is resolved. Now I doubt myself and everything I heard. If I truly didn't hear that, then I blew up my marriage for nothing. If he did say that and he's capable of lying for 10 years, then why would I stay with him? At least we're getting marriage counseling (and therapy for myself).
Excuse me for the numerous typos and grammatical errors. I'm exhausted.
 
Update: My husband doesn't love, my boss is threatening to fire me, and I got a citation from a police officer for sleeping in my car. (Wayback Machine: May 27, 2022
Background info: I overheard a conversation in which my husband essentially told his friend the reason he was with me was because I was his piggy bank- I make a lot more than he does and I do most of the chores. Sam also basically admitted he wasn't attracted to me. I tried to talk to him based on the info I had and the suspicion that he had also made a Reddit post though he doesn't use Reddit. Sam shut me down and told me the conversation with his friend never happened.
I've been waffling between writing this post and not, since I think my husband has been reading my posts. I've already deleted it twice. But he thinks Reddit is a waste of time and the outpouring of emotional support I get here outweighs him reading the thread.
We've had a few short, but devastating conversations since then. Based on Reddit advice, I tried to get evidence that he was with me for my money. After my husband reluctantly admitted that we didn't meet on accident, I pushed and found out the reason he pursued me is that I'm "stable" and I would "do everything for him" and "never leave him." His birth mother left when he was young, leaving his family very poor until his grandfather died. I feel sorry for him and understand why he did this, but there's a small, selfish part of me that wonders why he chose me for this life. I thought I recorded him but nothing shows up in my phone. It doesn't matter since we are an all party consent state.
Sometimes I wonder if I was blind. Sam is far more attractive than me (though my own preference tends to lie in the "unconventional"). I should have realized he is not attracted to me and that it was one sided love. I am not beautiful compared to other women and when I try to wear makeup or fashionable clothes, I can tell he is not impressed. I thought it was because he liked me better natural. My mother used to say a pig wearing makeup is uglier than a pig. I understand that now.
That's partially the reason why I could not stand pretending everything was alright. My love language is touch. I constantly liked to hug him or hold his hand or stroke his back or pet his hair. Knowing that he only tolerates my touch horrifies me. I don't want to be the source of someone's discomfort. I am also ashamed of being so vulnerable, knowing that he hates who I am and the way I look, knowing that he has seen me in my most vulnerable moments. I don't want to be a burden. After one night where I locked myself in the bathroom and slept in the bathtub, he hasn't been moving me from the couch. I think the reason he moved me is to pretend our life hadn't changed rather than any real concern for me. That's why he complained about me withholding affection.
I went back to work and continued the routine I had done for a few weeks, working as much as possible until I had to go home. I cried a lot at work.
I passed out at work one day and when I woke up my boss told me to go home. He was angry. I tried to drive home, but I still felt woozy so I parked in a car and fell asleep. I was awoken by a police officer who gave me a warning for sleeping in a car. Apparently, that's a red flag for DUIs. I drove home and Sam was furious. He somehow had known that I was sent home early. He demanded to know who I was with. I told him the truth.
Sam has been sweet to me since. He hasn't taken off work and he only does about an hour of real work a day, which strangely makes me envious of my own husband. Sam has been making sure I rest, making all our meals, and doing the chores. My work has demanded that I take off at least two more weeks of sick leave since my episode at the office. However, they are also simultaneously making me do work, and implied that my performance bonus will be impacted by my "stunt"
If I divorce my husband, the consequences will be beyond me losing the love of my life. My parents will cut me off from our family. They will not let me see my grandparents ever, who are in very delicate health. My grandparents raised me as a child when I was sent back to live with them in our home country. My family would not be surprised if Sam divorces me. My parents even told me at our wedding that he will leave me and that I should have married the man they arranged, who wanted me for my citizenship. I will not have any support.
In a feverish state, I once offered to give him all of my savings and pay alimony for life if he filed for divorce and he told me to shut up and sleep. I don't know what conditions I can set for the divorce. I'm losing my husband, I'm losing my grandparents, maybe even my job. What do I do?
Comments
OOP on her grandparents’ views on divorce

My grandparents were in an arranged marriage. Divorce is stigmatized and they are not very open to the idea at all. They do want what's best for me, but what they think is best is, at best, 30 years behind the times. I am eternally grateful that they took care of me and loved me, and I would be devastated if my parents cut me off from them.

OOP on the possibility of hallucinating her husband’s comments towards her

I did not hallucinate anything or have a psychotic break.
Initially my husband denied everything, included the phone call. The first thing he admitted that we didn't meet on accident. He had known who I was somehow and had pursued me. Then, he admitted that he wasn't attracted to me. He also admitted that the reason he pursued me and the reason he is still married to me is that I'm "stable" and I would "do everything for him" and "never leave him."

 
Update (Wayback Machine): May 29, 2022
Before marriage counseling, I found out husband hid that he had Borderline Personality Disorder
My husband Sam and I agreed to marriage counseling to see if we could save our marriage. This is an out of pocket expense. Before we could go to our first session, we had to fill out several forms and questionnaires. One question asked about any diagnoses we had. My husband revealed that he had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder two years ago. I knew he went to a psychiatrist/neuropsychologist but he just said they found nothing and there was nothing wrong with him.
I was shocked because he never told me. When I asked why he would hide this from me, he said that it was his medical history and I couldn’t leave him for something not under his control. Sam is not in therapy. Obviously, I would have supported him and gotten the help he needed.
Ever since this came out, Sam has been saying that if I divorce him, I’m abandoning him and that it would be proof I never loved him or care about him. That’s not true. I do love him. That’s why I’m doing this. If I divorce him and pay alimony, he’ll find someone he’s actually in love with. We’d both be happy.
Sam has not given me a moment of space but to be fair, I had a high fever a few days ago. Sam said he wants life to go back to normal “before all this happened and we were happy” but I don’t understand why he would want to continue to live a lie. I’m offering him a way out and he refuses. Is it because of his diagnoses?
How do we move forward from this? Is marriage counseling even worth it? Am I making a mistake?
Comments
OOP on her husband’s family background, if he came from a poor family

Thank you for your helpful response. Your friends should not have treated you like this. I think I feel hurt because my husband didn’t trust me with this information though we have been married for a decade. I would never have abandoned him and would have encouraged him to get DBT therapy or anything else that would help.
His birth mother left him as a child, leaving his family destitute until an inheritance from his grandfather. I think that is why he married me, because I represented stability-both financially and in our home life. Not love.
I do love him and I do care about him deeply but how can I tell him that I will always be there for him when we are heading for divorce? I would be lying to him. I will not be in his life.
We both deserve to be with someone we love. I’m not going to chain him to marriage because of his fear of financial instability. I’m not my father. I will pay alimony. His life will be the exact same-maybe even more money for a cleaner and meal prep- just with the ability to find someone he loves.
It’s hard to talk about marriage counseling and the possibility of divorce without him breaking down. I can’t bear to see him cry.

 
WIBTA if I replaced someone’s glass jar that she lent me without telling her? - June 1, 2022
I bought a glass jar of homemade fruit preserve at a farmer’s market. The seller, Mary (60s F) was a nice older lady that I’ve bought from before. Because we know each other, she gives me a discount if I bring back the empty jar since she saves money. She gave me a fancier glass jar than usual today because she ran out of the regular ones. I can’t return the jar. I found an identical jar at Target and I plan to give her that. The reason I don’t want to tell her is that she’s very kind but inquisitive and she’ll ask why I didn’t bring the original back, and she’ll say that I didn’t have to replace it, etc. I don’t want her to worry.
Verdict: Not the Asshole
Comments
OOP on why she could not return the jar to the seller

It was destroyed. My husband threw it and it shattered. There’s no way to put it back.
He’s a fan of fruit preserves so I got a new flavor I thought he would like to try. He was upset that I got him a gift so he threw it on the ground. He was apologetic but there’s no way to put it back together.
We have been going through a very rough patch. Apparently the gift was a reminder that no one will love him like I do. That was not my intention. I just thought he would like it.
I can’t honestly say it was an accident since my husband threw it on the ground on purpose.

 
I don't feel like I deserve anything. My therapist says that's a good thing. (Wayback Machine): June 7, 2022
I had my first therapy session ever on Saturday (a weekend online therapist who is licensed). When she asked what issues I wanted to resolve, one problem I told her was that I felt like I didn't deserve anything in life. My therapist said that it wasn't an issue, but a blessing since I can practice gratefulness. I am grateful for the smallest things, but intellectually I feel as though I should not be grateful for them. I feel like a doormat in my personal and professional life.
My work demands extremely long work hours. I remember the worst week I ever had in my career was 104 hours of work. I'm exhausted, but my boss relies on me and me only even though there are other members of the team. He says I'm his biggest asset, and I am grateful for being recognized. Yet, others have gotten promotions off the team and into more relaxed roles. I have not. I've worked here for years, and I've only taken 11 days off for vacation the entire time, not because I want to work, but because I'm "needed"
I had invasive wisdom teeth surgery on Thursday, and I got both an infection and dry socket over the weekend. We had a deal going through and and I went to work yesterday in pain with a fever because my boss demanded that I be there. I worked until 12:17am and didn't eat anything since I was in so much pain.
I was supposed to uber back to my hotel (my husband and I are discussing divorce) but I pressed the wrong destination and went back to our house instead. I feel asleep in our front yard, where my husband found me. Luckily nothing happened to me, since I live in a relatively safe area. My husband is thrilled I came home. He pleaded with me to cancel the rest of the hotel stay and I caved in. I feel selfish for divorcing him and I feel selfish for staying. I don't want to be like my father, using money to force someone to stay with them.
I got my dry sockets treated. I need someone to help me irrigate the holes since doing it myself caused the infection but I don't know who to ask. No friends or family live nearby. I just haven't been eating because I don't want to get another infection.
Looking at this post, I feel so much self loathing. It's filled with aggrandizing self pity. The price of my job is the loss of a personal life. Many people would be happy to be in my position, making as much money as I do. Many people would be thrilled to live my life, and have a home to come to and food in their stomachs. There's no reason for me to be unhappy yet I am. And I know I should feel entitled to some things, but if my therapist says not being expectant is a good thing, then what is my problem? What is wrong with me?
Comments
OOP on why she thinks she doesn’t deserve anything

What I told my therapist was: "I struggle to believe that I deserve anything. Though I feel that people in general are entitled to things like love or happiness or rest, I feel like I do not. For some reason, I feel that other people's needs are more important than my own. I'd like to gain these skills." I wrote it out. I later mentioned how I wanted to take a health day, but my coworker wanted to take the day off, so I didn't, because I felt that he deserved the day off. I wished I had the self confidence to still ask for the day, instead of thinking of my team's needs. I'm not sure if it's an issue of gratefulness or deserving or just self esteem.
My therapist said it was good that I feel like I deserve nothing, because I can practice gratefulness and that it was a blessing not to be entitled.

 
Why would my husband insinuate that there is abuse in our relationship to his friend?: July 17, 2022
My husband Sam and I have access to each others phones, computers, emails, etc. Normally, I don’t read my husband’s things, though I know he sometimes checks my messages and the like.
Today, he left his laptop open to his messages and I saw my name in a message alert from his friend who does not like me. I read more of the chat.
A few days ago Sam was arguing with his father over the phone. He was angrier than usual and gesticulating. I went to get something and when I was behind him, his fist accidentally hit my jaw. He apologized immediately and it was fine. I’ve had a couple of minor surgeries unrelated to this incident, so I don’t look great. I can see why someone would be concerned. My new friends and my therapist were very concerned too when they saw me but when I explained, they understood.
Sam’s friend saw me yesterday for a minute. In the chat, he asked Sam why I had a “messed up face” and Sam said it was fine and not interfere in our marriage. The friend was telling Sam that he should leave me and it was all right if we divorced because there were a lot of women who wanted him. The last message said “u can’t hit ur wife bc she wants a divorce. ust take the check and go.” Throughout the entire conversation Sam never told his friend it was an accident. He just said that I was his wife and it was not his friend’s business.
I feel awful for violating his privacy, and I will tell him, but I’m also confused why he would say this and not clarify the accident.
Additional Information from OOP on why she was not divorced yet

I don’t know. I’m just deeply exhausted by it all. Separating, disentangling finances, surgeries, regressions, breaking from my job, stress. It was all overwhelming. My wonderful therapist has told me to break down my problems into simple steps and if I’m too exhausted to act, to just let it be for now and gather up my strength for the next thing.
I just had an abdominal hysterectomy and right now recovery is my next hurdle. I’m in pain but I’m hopeful.
My husband has been doing everything around the house. I can’t lift most things and it hurts to be too active. He works. He cleans. He has learned to cook some surprisingly complex meals that I like. He irrigates my sockets because they haven’t fully healed and I can’t see properly. That was how I got an infection. He helps me shower.
While he does things like this, it makes me feel guilty for wanting to divorce him. It makes me think he blames himself for accidents like in the post. That he does love me. But then I remember the fact that he doesn’t have any photos of me on his phone and that he admitted he didn’t love me at first and other silly things and I just wonder why we can’t live apart happily.

OOP on Sam’s friend mentioned in the post is the same person who was on FT

Yes, it is the same friend. My husband has a circle of childhood friends. I know a few dislike me. One of them has told me that she wished my husband had married a mutual friend of theirs instead of me. I do feel like an intruder in their friendship circle.
I’m happy to say that, now that I’m on leave from work and unlikely to return, my coworkers have grown into close friends. It makes me kind of sad that I chose to work from home a lot, missing out on the closeness they have demonstrated.
We did start marriage counseling. Our marriage counselor is wonderful, as is my therapist. My husband has started DBT therapy but he hates it. Our counselor says one of our root problems is the way we define ourselves. I see myself for what I can provide people- I am a hard worker, I am efficient, I cook, I clean, I can do this or that- rather than what I am intrinsically. My husband defines himself on what he loves and hates, his interests and disinterests.

 
AITA for doing things by myself at an amusement park: August 2, 2022
Last weekend, my (32F) husband Sam (32M) and a few of his friends and spouses arranged to go to an amusement park. I am not a huge fan of loud, hot, crowded places. I find it overwhelming. Moreover, I could not go on the thrill rides as I recently had surgery and have very high blood pressure. Sam convinced me to go to connect with his friends.
When we came, their itinerary was a tight schedule of all thrill rides. The first ride was a rollercoaster. I was in line as a placeholder for a person. One friend, Jake, collected everyone’s phones and put it in his bag. I tried to tell him that I couldn’t go on the ride, but it seems I was unclear. I didn’t want to make a fuss for this one ride so I gave him my phone. When the person returned, I got out of line and waited at one of the two exits as they would meet me there.
After waiting for 40min, I realized they must have gone to the other exit and left without me. I checked the other nearby rides but I couldn’t find them. I went to a first aid station, and I called my phone and then my husband but he didn’t pick up.
At first I tried to stay in the area, but it was high traffic, loud, and very hot. I still had my pass and cash with me. I found a quieter, shaded area, bought lunch, met a very nice elderly couple who showed me a few spots, won a plushie and a blanket from a vending machine, and had dinner. I had fun.
There was an announcement that the park would close in half an hour. I decided I would go to our parked car to wait for the group. 30min later, one of Sam’s friends, Nancy, found me next to the car and dragged me to the others. They were furious because they had been frantically looking for me for the last half an hour.
Update: There is not much of an update. Sam and I talked it out at home and in marriage counseling and came to a sort of understanding. I feel I was less than charitable to him, likely because I felt hurt that he left me.
This is how the day went.
Jake gathered everyone’s loose items including phones, wallets, hats, etc. in his bag and put it in a locker. I made a mistake and put my phone in his bag since I didn’t want to hold them up. A bit later, I crossed over to the exit line, walked down, and waited at the exit. They were supposed to meet me there.
My husband’s group got split. Sam rode in the second half and heard from his friend that the first group didn’t want to do another thrill ride. They slipped back to the entrance with the lockers instead of going to the exit. When I wasn’t at the lockers he thought I left with the first group without waiting for him.
He was hurt and decided not to contact me until I contacted him. He thought if I loved him, I would contact him.
Meanwhile, I was waiting at the exit. I realized that Sam had already left when I saw the same people exit twice, meaning they rode the coaster, waited in line again, and rode the again. This was approx 40 minutes after the 25 wait time the line stated.
I went to the first aid station and called him. I made a mistake. I forgot he doesn’t respond/call back unknown numbers because of scams.
Sam’s friends got back together and split throughout the day. He was upset when I wasn’t with any group because he thought I left them too and I hadn’t tried to contact him.
When the park announced the closing, he was worried. He and his friends called my phone. They dug through Jake’s backpack and saw that my phone was there and it was dead. Sam found out no one had seen me since the first ride. He called back the unknown number and it was the first aid station who confirmed I was there.
Our marriage counselor said I was passive and lacked boundaries. I should have said no to the entire idea. I agree with her. I’m working on me with my therapist.
She said that Sam was so willing to believe I left him and his desire to test if I still loved him that he left me in a dangerous situation. His therapist said he defines himself by the love I give him, which is unhealthy.
Sam apologized the entire time. He feels guilty. He mopes around the house. I gave him the plushie I won and it only made him happy for a few minutes. I think I made it worse. He constantly checks my hand to see if I’m still wearing my rings.
Verdict: Not the Asshole
OOP responds on several questions regarding waiting for her husband and his friends

Giving up my phone was my fault, I agree. Jake told me to put my phone in his bag, I told him I wasn’t going on this ride, but I don’t think I made it clear to him. He told me to put my phone in again and there were others with their phones out waiting to put theirs in, so I put mine in to not create a fuss. I thought that since we agreed to meet up at the exit, it would be fine if I didn’t have my phone. Unfortunately, my phone was on mute as well. I should have not done so . We arrived there in the morning. There are a long lines for the most anticipated thrill rides.
I only had an abdominal hysterectomy so while I can’t lift heavy things or walk a lot, I’m mostly fine.
Edit: the surgery was almost two weeks ago . I can’t blame my husband too much. He was excited to be with his friends. Almost always, I’m not there when he is with them so I can see how he genuinely forgot I was there at the start.
This was supposed to be a way for me to bond with his friends, since his therapist says he puts barriers between certain aspects of his life, but it fell by the wayside since I can’t actually go on most of the rides they planned.
They were searching in the park for me. I suppose they could have made an announcement. When my husband called the number I used back, it was the general first aid center in the park, which apparently made them think I could have been sick. . They just genuinely forgot I was there. It was a large group that frequently hang out together and I don’t go on these sorts of outings so it makes sense. . Yes, I feel bad because they did seem worried and angry. 30 minutes is a long time to be looking for someone in a big park. They didn’t sign up to form a search and rescue, just have fun in the park.
My husband was having fun with his friends. He tracks my phone location so I assume he wasn’t concerned until they realized that I didn’t have my phone and there was no way to track me down.

 
Anyone else experience wound dehiscence? - September 27, 2022
I had an abdominal hysterectomy. Due to poor personal choices, my wound opened back up and plus I got a horrible infection. I had to get another surgery 2.5 weeks after my initial one to fix the damage I caused. It’s been several weeks but I’m still in a lot of pain.
Comments
OOP on if she has finally divorced her husband and having her family taking care of her

I am alright. I got a postnup. My grandmother got very sick so I went back alone to my home country. An unofficial separation. She didn’t make it. I still feel like my heart has been ripped out. I was in both physical and emotional pain. My husband had a severe breakdown and was hospitalized because I wasn’t there. His family and friends begged me to come back so I did. I couldn’t go back to work. I stay at home. he takes care of me.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

If things happen in your neighborhood, you should talk to those people directly instead of always asking the police or the city government to intervene. T a l k. C o m m u n i c a t e. Defend people in your own fucking community.
I come from a country in the global south and we defend our own neighbors from sharks in the government, not the other way around.
Just look at the NextDoor app. Ya'll are obsessed with catching people doing the wrong thing. Ya'll are so estranged and isolated from each other you have no idea how to interact with one another except to police each other.
Yes, I admit, I'm an economic refugee, and I'm here because we wouldn't have survived financially in my own country. But it's things like what I experience in my neighborhood that makes me miss home.
Some migrant workers my brother hired to make a driveway for his home (Which I'm renting) made the mistake of dumping the soil on the creek in front of us. They were unsupervised. It was a mistake. They were never given the green light to do that. They're going to fix it tomorrow. But I happened to be the one a bunch of neighbors spoke to and I took that belligerent accusatory yelling and legal threatening as though I don't live in front of that creek and care about it. Just a week before that happened I got a letter "PLEASE STOP FEEDING MY CAT." With "My cat" in underline. I thought it was a stray. I didn't imagine anyone owned that cat. I only had good intentions. In my city back home we feed stray cats. That was rude. I hate this country. Then there's the story of a friend of a friend from my home country who happened to get a job delivering newspapers and had only been in the US for a few weeks. Left his 6 year old child in the car for a few seconds while delivering a paper and was reported by a neighbor. Went to jail for a few days and had his face on their stupid newspaper. I hate this country. I don't know what to do about it. I live here. I'm just going to hope that younger americans are less like that.

So this is my first post here after commenting a lot. Just have to preface this by saying keep up the good work and keep fighting the good fight. This sub rocks. Stay mad, delusional swifties. Anyway......
I stopped listening to The Toilet Paper Department shortly after it released but I did go back to revisit some of the songs for laugh value and this particular song, The Bolter stood out to me. First things first, the song is straight ass. "By all accounts she almost drowned in frigid water" what the fuck does that even mean lmao. Literally if anyone else were to release this garbage fire of a song, people would dismiss it as dogshit and that artist wouldn't have a career after it.
So why does Taylor keep getting away with it?
Even more interesting is the subject matter of the song. The song explicitly talks about her getting into these relationships (by choice mind you-nobody forced her) and these men having bad intentions (allegedly) and she ending the relationship by luring them in, making it look like she's into them, and dumping them and running away. ????. I just feel like this just describes how toxic she is in a relationship. She's not even giving it her all, but using dudes as nice placeholders and monkey branching onto the next one. It's straight narcissism.
If the Swifties had an IQ higher than 1, they'd realize that Travis is basically the dudes she calls out in the song and he's very likely to be the next getaway car she uses up next for fun.
"Hearts are hers for the breakin" (sure, Taylor).
"He was a cad, wanted her bad"
"She likes the way it tastes, taming a bear, making him care"
"Watching him jump then pulling him under And at first blush, this is fate When it's all roses, portrait poses Central Park Lake in tiny rowboats What a charming Saturday That's when she sees the littlest leaks Down in the floorboards And she just knows She must bolt"
This feels like psychopathic behavior to me. And didn't she take Bigfoot on a boat recently? She's going to do the same to him and these dumbass swifties don't realize it. I just feel like she doesn't care about anyone but herself so she's incapable of love or genuine feelings. Which is why I'm confused as to why she spent a whole album crying over a dude ghosting her when she does the same to other men. Bitch, you're the most toxic one of them all!!! This is probably the Karma she needed. Thank God Joe ran from that trainwreck.
"All her fucking lives flashed before her eyes" Stop. Just, stop. Every time she tries to cuss, it sounds like a 15 year old girl learning curse words for the first time. You don't know how to do it and you sound like you just learned that word. Hell, Olivia Rodrigo is younger and curse words roll off her tongue better.
Oh, and let's not forget the line "her best mates laughed". She gets out of two British relationships and thinks she can own the lingo now??? Cringe.
Again, why does Taylor keep getting away with this shit?
**Sorry for the post being so long. Once again, STAY MAD SWIFTIES.

I’m using a throwaway. I’ve been very distraught over this so please be patient with me.
My family took in my sister as a foster family when she was 7 and I was 9. We shared a bedroom and were really close. We both loved being sisters. We did everything together until she was about 16 when we started growing apart. We experimented with substances but just dumb 00s era teenage stuff, no hard drugs. I grew up my senior year of high school and she never grew out of it. She’s been on a very destructive path since getting her first felony at 18. She would literally do anything you handed her if you told her she could get high from it.
She has been in and out of jail ever since then. I’m the only one that tried to keep in touch with her. Our parents cut contact completely. And for good reason. Even her biological siblings & parents haven’t heard from her in years, and don’t want to. But I haven’t been able to let go of her completely. I can’t do it. I wouldn’t give her any money or want to meet up with her, she can be violent and wouldn’t think twice abound robbing someone blind. I did allow letters and phone calls when she was in jail, and I used to text with her anytime she reached out. But only to exchange words and nothing else.
I’m very worried at this point. I came here because I’m losing sleep now. I saw awhile back that she was charged with something like “intentional exposure to AIDS virus” and it’s been eating away at me ever since. She wouldn’t ever go to a doctor or hospital unless narcotics are involved. Nobody knows where she is. Last I saw she was arrested in January of 2023 but there’s nothing since. I have a really hard time believing that she was ever scared straight and managed to stay out of trouble. Unless she got in trouble in a different place, though I don’t know how she would manage to get anywhere else considering the last time anybody saw her was over a year ago walking down the highway barefoot. I’m scared that maybe something happened to her. I don’t think there would be anybody that could even ID her. I‘ve moved across the country so I haven’t heard anything from word of mouth or on the local news. I never realized not knowing would be more painful than bad news.
I can’t stand to think of her dying from AIDS. She will put getting high above healthcare to the very end. I’ve heard that AIDS is a horrible way to go even with hospice. I keep thinking of her lying cold and dead on a medical examiners table and it just destroys me. There wouldn’t be a funeral, nobody would care to even organize a graveside. I don’t know what they would even do with her body if she passed, I wouldn’t think she could be buried because nobody would pay for it. I know it’s morbid, but not knowing what they would do with her if found bothers me. Like is she donated to science? Put in a grave somewhere? Cremated and stored somewhere? For some reason, it impacts me emotionally. I’ve done a little googling but didn’t find anything. Every time I think of her, I just cross my fingers that she’s in jail or prison somewhere because I know she is safer there.
I’m in therapy, I know she chose that path for herself. But I’m still very sad and a little more worried each time I realize she’s dropped off the map in one way or another. I’m not asking for her contact information or demanding to know info I can’t be given. Either she has passed and I can move on and start healing, or maybe she’s still out there destroying everything in her path. Either way, I want to create some type of closure for myself. If someone could give me an answer, I would be very thankful.
Thank you for your time.

Hello everyone,
I posted this in the /personalfinancecanada subreddit as well, but this seems to be a better place for my question.
I'm looking for some guidance on how to handle the capital gains tax situation for a property that I've converted from a primary residence to a rental property. Here are the details:

• Province: Alberta
• Purchase Date: April 2007
• Purchase Price: $278,000
• Conversion to Rental: August 2016
• Fair Market Value at Conversion: $230,000 (appraised by realtor based on comparables sold during the timeframe)
• Primary Residence: From 2007 to 2016
• Current Plan: Selling the property in 2024

I did not make a Capital Cost Allowance (CCA) claim, nor did I file a T2091 (IND) form when I converted the property to a rental. I also did not report the change in use in my 2016 taxes (I wasn’t aware that I had to as I didn’t think renting it out was considered a sale)
My questions are:

1. How should I calculate the capital gain or loss for the property, considering it was my primary residence for a significant period?
2. Do I need to adjust my 2016 taxes since I didn't file the T2091 (IND) form or report the change in use?
3. What would be the implications of selling the property this year without having reported the change in use back in 2016?
4. If there's a late-filing penalty for the T2091 (IND) form, how is it calculated, and can it be waived under certain conditions?

Any advice or guidance would be greatly appreciated, especially if someone has gone through a similar situation.
Thank you!

I am so fucking done with my parents. If anyone had been trying to find a job this year they can relate but I just want to rant a little bit.
I recently graduated at the end of December. Since then I have moved back into my parents house (I don’t know how much longer I can take it ) but I have been looking for a job.
I had no idea what was in store after graduation posting this now. Fortunately I have been very lucky with interviews to applications submitted. Unfortunately at the beginning of the year I asked my parents for advice because naturally that’s what you want your kid to do. I really should’ve just kept my mouth shut accepted the first job and moved on. I just thought maybe they had changed or perhaps had a different attitude.
For context my dad grow up in poverty but my parents are financially well off now and play golf at least 2 times a week.
When I was offered the first job sometime in January I asked if they thought it was worth the 45 minute drive they said no. I said fair enough I’m not the biggest fan of driving but I continued look. I’ve had several interviews in person but have been ghosted. God forbid recruiters do the bare minimum.
Out of all the offers they’ve never satisfied with what I’m being offered and have encouraged to not take it again after again. At some point they threatened that I was going to jail because I wasn’t going to have enough for loan repayment. My mother said nothing the entire time. My dad co signed my private loans for my school.
They always say it’s about communication and if that means threatening someone and bringing up irrelevant details like when I was looking for a job pre covid I had to apply to at least 100. Good for fucking you that means no the me. I’m going to be pissed off about it. I am the one who’s been applying for jobs entry level post covid. Several major arguments have occurred since now and then and I am beyond frustrated about the same conversation.
For example tonight. Sunday I was laid off of my most recent job because of “downsizing “ even though I was not even there for 3 weeks. Yesterday I brought up my loan repayments are going to be due soon.
The conversation goes between my dad and I
*On Sunday he offers to drive around to different places to see if they are hiring *
*You might want to start applying to jobs that aren’t career related.
Sure I can but that doesn’t mean I am guaranteed an interview.
*I get what you’re saying but I think you should still apply for them.
I already said that I will apply to them but I would rather apply to somewhere where I actually have experience. I then go to explain to him entry level jobs are a joke now and takes about the same amount of time for hear back from them.
*He continues to say I want you to listen without getting mad at me. Proceeds to explain how long the job process will be and explains that I have bills to start paying. I still think you should apply to the jobs and have a plan b. I don’t know how many jobs you’ve applied to but you need to listen
I go on a full tangent explaining how stessfull finding any kind of job had been, told him he had seen me go through the process of trying the past 6 months. I told him there was nothing I could do to make the situation go faster. I told him there was he could do to make it faster.
I told him It’s not like a haven’t already been thinking bout this stuff. It’s not you’ve threatened me before. We’ve already had this conversation before when I didn’t have a job. I have working my ass off stop trying to give advice I don’t want. Stop and listen to me.
I’ve been stressing over it since graduation I tried so hard and I’ve been screwed over by the past two shitty jobs I was able to get. They act like I haven been able to find any job at all.
I have very patient about this whole process and they should be lucky I haven’t gone no contact with them. I am so fucking done and nothing they say or do will ever fix this obnoxious shitty situation. You don’t get to tell me how to feel and you definitely do you not get to talk to me like that.
After crying and practically screaming about having this conversation again I go downstairs get some water and go back to my room.
Later a hear a knck on my door and it’s him.
He goes
*My intention wasn’t to make you mad I just want to communicate to you. Can you just send me a list of job you’ve applied to.
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU I HATE YOU FUCK YOU. YOURE AN ASSHOLE AND YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME. JUST FUCKING LISTEN TO INE GODDAMN MINUITE HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Anyway have a goodnight ✨

I am so fucking done with my parents. If anyone had been trying to find a job this year they can relate but I just want to rant a little bit.
I recently graduated at the end of December. Since then I have moved back into my parents house (I don’t know how much longer I can take it ) but I have been looking for a job.
I had no idea what was in store after graduation posting this now. Fortunately I have been very lucky with interviews to applications submitted. Unfortunately at the beginning of the year I asked my parents for advice because naturally that’s what you want your kid to do. I really should’ve just kept my mouth shut accepted the first job and moved on. I just thought maybe they had changed or perhaps had a different attitude.
For context my dad grow up in poverty but my parents are financially well off now and play golf at least 2 times a week.
When I was offered the first job sometime in January I asked if they thought it was worth the 45 minute drive they said no. I said fair enough I’m not the biggest fan of driving but I continued look. I’ve had several interviews in person but have been ghosted. God forbid recruiters do the bare minimum.
Out of all the offers they’ve never satisfied with what I’m being offered and have encouraged to not take it again after again. At some point they threatened that I was going to jail because I wasn’t going to have enough for loan repayment. My mother said nothing the entire time. My dad co signed my private loans for my school.
They always say it’s about communication and if that means threatening someone and bringing up irrelevant details like when I was looking for a job pre covid I had to apply to at least 100. Good for fucking you that means no the me. I’m going to be pissed off about it. I am the one who’s been applying for jobs entry level post covid. Several major arguments have occurred since now and then and I am beyond frustrated about the same conversation.
For example tonight. Sunday I was laid off of my most recent job because of “downsizing “ even though I was not even there for 3 weeks. Yesterday I brought up my loan repayments are going to be due soon.
The conversation goes between my dad and I
*On Sunday he offers to drive around to different places to see if they are hiring *
*You might want to start applying to jobs that aren’t career related.
Sure I can but that doesn’t mean I am guaranteed an interview.
*I get what you’re saying but I think you should still apply for them.
I already said that I will apply to them but I would rather apply to somewhere where I actually have experience. I then go to explain to him entry level jobs are a joke now and takes about the same amount of time for hear back from them.
*He continues to say I want you to listen without getting mad at me. Proceeds to explain how long the job process will be and explains that I have bills to start paying. I still think you should apply to the jobs and have a plan b. I don’t know how many jobs you’ve applied to but you need to listen
I go on a full tangent explaining how stessfull finding any kind of job had been, told him he had seen me go through the process of trying the past 6 months. I told him there was nothing I could do to make the situation go faster. I told him there was he could do to make it faster.
I told him It’s not like a haven’t already been thinking bout this stuff. It’s not you’ve threatened me before. We’ve already had this conversation before when I didn’t have a job. I have working my ass off stop trying to give advice I don’t want. Stop and listen to me.
I’ve been stressing over it since graduation I tried so hard and I’ve been screwed over by the past two shitty jobs I was able to get. They act like I haven been able to find any job at all.
I have very patient about this whole process and they should be lucky I haven’t gone no contact with them. I am so fucking done and nothing they say or do will ever fix this obnoxious shitty situation. You don’t get to tell me how to feel and you definitely do you not get to talk to me like that.
After crying and practically screaming about having this conversation again I go downstairs get some water and go back to my room.
Later a hear a knck on my door and it’s him.
He goes
*My intention wasn’t to make you mad I just want to communicate to you. Can you just send me a list of job you’ve applied to.
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU I HATE YOU FUCK YOU. YOURE AN ASSHOLE AND YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME. JUST FUCKING LISTEN TO INE GODDAMN MINUITE HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Anyway have a goodnight ✨

I am so fucking done with my parents. If anyone had been trying to find a job this year they can relate but I just want to rant a little bit.
I recently graduated at the end of December. Since then I have moved back into my parents house (I don’t know how much longer I can take it ) but I have been looking for a job.
I had no idea what was in store after graduation posting this now. Fortunately I have been very lucky with interviews to applications submitted. Unfortunately at the beginning of the year I asked my parents for advice because naturally that’s what you want your kid to do. I really should’ve just kept my mouth shut accepted the first job and moved on. I just thought maybe they had changed or perhaps had a different attitude.
For context my dad grow up in poverty but my parents are financially well off now and play golf at least 2 times a week.
When I was offered the first job sometime in January I asked if they thought it was worth the 45 minute drive they said no. I said fair enough I’m not the biggest fan of driving but I continued look. I’ve had several interviews in person but have been ghosted. God forbid recruiters do the bare minimum.
Out of all the offers they’ve never satisfied with what I’m being offered and have encouraged to not take it again after again. At some point they threatened that I was going to jail because I wasn’t going to have enough for loan repayment. My mother said nothing the entire time. My dad co signed my private loans for my school.
They always say it’s about communication and if that means threatening someone and bringing up irrelevant details like when I was looking for a job pre covid I had to apply to at least 100. Good for fucking you that means no the me. I’m going to be pissed off about it. I am the one who’s been applying for jobs entry level post covid. Several major arguments have occurred since now and then and I am beyond frustrated about the same conversation.
For example tonight. Sunday I was laid off of my most recent job because of “downsizing “ even though I was not even there for 3 weeks. Yesterday I brought up my loan repayments are going to be due soon.
The conversation goes between my dad and I
*On Sunday he offers to drive around to different places to see if they are hiring *
*You might want to start applying to jobs that aren’t career related.
Sure I can but that doesn’t mean I am guaranteed an interview.
*I get what you’re saying but I think you should still apply for them.
I already said that I will apply to them but I would rather apply to somewhere where I actually have experience. I then go to explain to him entry level jobs are a joke now and takes about the same amount of time for hear back from them.
*He continues to say I want you to listen without getting mad at me. Proceeds to explain how long the job process will be and explains that I have bills to start paying. I still think you should apply to the jobs and have a plan b. I don’t know how many jobs you’ve applied to but you need to listen
I go on a full tangent explaining how stessfull finding any kind of job had been, told him he had seen me go through the process of trying the past 6 months. I told him there was nothing I could do to make the situation go faster. I told him there was he could do to make it faster.
I told him It’s not like a haven’t already been thinking bout this stuff. It’s not you’ve threatened me before. We’ve already had this conversation before when I didn’t have a job. I have working my ass off stop trying to give advice I don’t want. Stop and listen to me.
I’ve been stressing over it since graduation I tried so hard and I’ve been screwed over by the past two shitty jobs I was able to get. They act like I haven been able to find any job at all.
I have very patient about this whole process and they should be lucky I haven’t gone no contact with them. I am so fucking done and nothing they say or do will ever fix this obnoxious shitty situation. You don’t get to tell me how to feel and you definitely do you not get to talk to me like that.
After crying and practically screaming about having this conversation again I go downstairs get some water and go back to my room.
Later a hear a knck on my door and it’s him.
He goes
*My intention wasn’t to make you mad I just want to communicate to you. Can you just send me a list of job you’ve applied to.
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU I HATE YOU FUCK YOU. YOURE AN ASSHOLE AND YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME. JUST FUCKING LISTEN TO INE GODDAMN MINUITE HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Anyway have a goodnight ✨

Context: I met this boy in November 2021 he was my first boyfriend. I was 26 he was 23. I'm a trans girl fully transitioned🐱. At the beginning it was like a movie . Everything I always wanted in a partner all my standards were met. I'm strict because I fear to look stupid. It make sense that after all that time without a real connection with anyone it was finally him. I could be myself, he was not a weirdo(like tons of men attracted to trans girls) his family was wealthy but he was super down to earth he was Romantic during his trips he sent me postal letters telling me about his days even if we talked online while he was away that detail will always stay with me he was accepted to study aboard in Sweden for summer 2022. I knew it was going to be over by then so in my head I wanted to have a good summer he wanted to keep the relationship long distance and I thought it was cute. But everything changed the day I met his parents for his brother birthday. I was skeptic to meet his family since I never done it before. But he convinced me that everything was going to be okay. The night went well I survived I told myself. That was until the next day that he called me crying. His mom did not accept I was trans (he knew about it but we never talked about it ) and told him the worse things about me. Like I was not human like I didn't had a mother that loved me too. After that he changed. I was not his dream girl anymore I felt I became a burden since he had to hide it every time he came to see me. I never been humiliated like that . Then a month later he broke up with me. I always been super prideful so I took the L and I told him I wasn't going to deal with bigotry obviously I was hurt but I rather die before he sees me in pain. Then the next day he came crying to me my house saying how sorry he was that being without me was more painful than listening to his parents. I took him back again he was leaving I wanted to end up in goor' terms. But those last months weren't the same. His vision of me changed. I could Feel it. And the worse part is that those months were one of the happiest of my life. I know this might sound superficial I did enjoyed getting access to his wealth (boats, cottages, expensive restaurants) but I genuinely liked him. At the end I wrote him a text message expressing how I felt about how humiliating the whole situation was and how stupid I felt for believing in him. He got upset and said hurtful things to me but saying sorry right after. I'm a regular time I would had snap back but he was leaving so again for sake of peace ( The last day before leaving overseas after tears we said goodbye. I was preparing myself for the breakup I made him unfollow me from instagram and Snapchat and told him that I was better for us not to speak (I was expecting him doing it anyways but he didn't) n that was the least time I heard from him. After I deleted all his photos, texts everything and started dating again. I met someone cool a month after that brought me the material side I like but I ghosted him after because there was not spark. It wasn't him. So I gave my self a break to heal n I haven't dated anyone since then it's being 2 years ( For the first months after he left I felt's relieved the anxiety and the tension about his family was gone but the more the time passed the more I became bitter about the whole situation. For the past year and a half he came to watch my instagram stories every month (without following me) and I post like once in a month so that gave my heart hope that everything we lived was real that I was special if he was stalking me like that even my friends once and he actually had feelings for me. Hoping he would reach out but he never did. So l blocked him thinking it would help me but it's being 6 months and I still feel the same (e And the thing is I knew he was leaving so it was going to end anyways but it didn't had to be so ... humiliating.. making feel like Im not enough being terrified of meeting someone new .. traumatized Why do I have to live traumatized and they got to live a happy life? N the worse is that I'm grateful for him he's not a bad person I know that . But I wish I car hurt them back I'm just angry I got to feel like this and he's going to live the life I always wanted. It's being 2 years and it hasn't been a day I don't think about it . I still burst in tears. I can't anymore.

Bought melatonin and I can’t sleep. Just took one but one feeling sleepy. I don’t know why but I’m feeling drained. I still dwell on the past and sometime I wonder how do I get over it. Maybe the hobbies before I don’t seem like I’m into them anymore. But it could be related to the my former job which I should get over since I won’t be taking classes anymore. I haven’t felt inspired in a long time and just isolated and lonely. Almost if I was intentionally being shunned. But I just become more sullen every time I go there. Which is why maybe I have thoughts of quitting ceramics for a while and it’s has always been my life in my late twenties until being laid off my one of the greatest art organizations just made me lose inspiration and learning to adapt in the music community. Even though I don’t consider myself a musician however I do consider myself to be a “music lover”. I mean I prefer listening to music over dead silence anyway. Shows I’m still human I guess. But I guess I don’t know what kind of art hobbies I’d be into if not ceramics. Maybe I don’t know if i consider myself as an artist anymore. I guess that the identity crisis I’m in at the moment. But it does remind me of a lot of parallels in my past which I guess like going through a breakup or never getting promoted. I guess it reminds me of going through that. But I guess I don’t remember to much of my past nor to I want to. It’s in the past for a reason so you can grow from it.

Hi! I applied for 2 part time jobs. One as a food server while the other one is a WFH english tutor. I already received the job offer letter from the WFH english tutor job and expecting a call from the food server job. While reading the job details of the WFH job, it said that I'm required to get a COR as a freelancer in BIR. I'm willing to get a COR, but the job details also says that if I have another job, I will be considered as a mixed income earner and will need to file my own taxes.
So my questions are:

• How do I file my own taxes? What is the process?
• Would it be better if I just choose 1 part time job?
• If I get both jobs and inform my employer (from the food server job) that I'm also a freelance worker does it mean that my salary will not be deducted of the BIR tax?

Not sure if I used the correct title and flair.

Ok, very long story and I'm worried that I may be the problem. So this all started back in February of 2024, I met this girl and she sort of took over my life. I'm going to be honest, I kind of threw myself at her. We have an age gap and I knew it would be a slight problem for sure but I always thought I could make up for it. I'm a 15 M she is 17 F. We are going to call her Joy as to not reveal any names. We both turn 18 and 16 respectively in December only 3 days apart and I've personally seen many small age gap relationships work out, especially only 2 years since it's so small.
I started treating her as my girlfriend and this was entirely my decision, and I still do not regret this. I would do everything for her, call every night, and we were both very very physical/PDA. She knew almost the whole time my feelings and intentions towards her and I made them very clear. But in order to make it less weird she acted like she didn't know, and that's fine with me honestly. But I also changed myself a LOT for her, I worked on myself to become very mature, emotionally etc. and I also consider myself a very mature person in nature, as I also get told this a lot. But I changed and did a lot in order to counter-act the small flaw that we would have which was an age gap. Before you say you shouldn't have to change yourself for someone, but that's really not the point. I wanted to change myself and honestly change isn't even the right word. I think it was me growing myself so she could be comfortable and not feel weird about anything, now that I clarified that I want to get to the main conflict.
Yesterday we were in the trunk of her car at a lake nearby my house. This is something we frequently do as I said I treated her like my girlfriend, it was not rare for us to intimately cuddle as a couple would in her trunk and that gave me very secure feelings about how she felt towards me. For context we had went to a party the day before and I left early to go home and she stayed and flirted with another man the whole time, she claimed she was horny and wanted to just ho around, not sure how much it bothers me but I don't particularly care because I know she didn't mean any of it. So we are in her trunk and she wakes up from napping on top of my chest when I see her texting a friend about the man from the party talking about how she is interested in sleeping with him. Obviously this threw me for a whirl and I got very upset over this and brought it up (not going into details to spare the yap) She was sorry that it made me feel that way and she wouldn't do it anymore. But then I confronted her again, I brought up how we don't do friend things whatsoever and I consider us more than friends. And I also asked how she saw it, her response was she would love to date me if it weren't for the age gap. For context a recurring problem was that she isn't ready for a relationship, a fact which I totally respect and on this day I was not trying to get her to date me right there, it was not a confession for she already knew.
I told her
"How is the age gap a problem, I'm very mature, and I don't think I ever gave off immature and young"
she then went into detail about how the age gap is a problem, "2 years is weird and it makes me feel like a groomer, but also the gap in emotional maturity -pause- no that's not true you are probably more mature than me -pause- It reminds me of the age gap relationship I had when I was a freshman between me and a 17 yo. -pause- no that's not true either the age gap wasn't noticeable at all."
So of course I point out how she proved herself wrong twice right to herself and how I wish she wouldn't say its the age gap at all. So i laid it out straight and I'm going to type it exactly how I said it.
"Look Joy, I understand if you are not ready for a relationship, but I want you to realize how the age gap isn't the actual problem here. I wish you wouldn't think that because it is just sad for me. I've done so much to make this easy for you and show you how it would go if we did get in a relationship. I'm tired of filling that void for you if it means I can never date you. I'm going to have to ask for more physical space too. I'm breaking up with you as my fake girlfriend and I will no longer be treating you like my girlfriend, I'm sorry."
She then proceeded to start breaking down crying, and after 30 minutes she said
"I like it when you treat me like your girlfriend. I don't want to lose that with you" - Joy
"I'm sorry but if that is making you not want a relationship since I'm already fulfilling that with you, then I'm going to stop in order to make you want a relationship by label with me. You haven't, and I didn't expect you to reciprocate that ever, but I am done" - Me
She broke down crying again and didn't talk for about 30 minutes
"It makes me feel like a groomer and I hate that. Your young face doesn't help either, honestly if you had an older face it would really help me look past it" - Joy
"You realize how insulting and shallow that is right? And once again you reverted to the age gap which I just know, that you know it's actually not a problem for you. I am happy to wait for months until you think you are ready for a relationship. I will reserve myself, and I hope I can ask you to reserve yourself for me" - Me
"I have the same feelings for you as you do to me. But I just don't know if I can date right now. (I responded "that's fine I said I would wait") But I don't think I can reserve myself and not ho around because that is boyfriend privilege, and you are not my boyfriend." - Joy
"Is it really so much to ask for you to reserve yourself for me? You are treating me so unfair and I can't help but feel like you actually just don't care about me." - Me
"It's hard to think I'm being unfair to you whenever you are pressuring me like this. I care about you more than ANYONE I know" - Joy
"I'm sorry if I pressured you too much, I'll back off..." - Me
We didn't go home after that, we stayed in the trunk and continued talking for about an hour but it was all basically repetition. I feel so mistreated and everything about this is just so unfair to me. I need to know if I really should wait for her, she treats me good, but I can't help but feel like she is being so emotionally immature and inconsiderate towards my feelings. I'm not demanding a relationship now, I just wish she could realize what the actual problems were.
But there is more, I wrote this awhile ago and the situation has changed. She keeps telling me how age is just such a big deal to her and she feels like a groomer. I have made it clear I'm going to give her time. But she is being so incredibly immature about how she feels and the way she is acting towards me. Please help me out i need advice so bad, it makes it worse that she is so immature I'm scared to confront her about it because she will cry and everything.

Hello everyone,
I'm looking for some guidance on how to handle the capital gains tax situation for a property that I've converted from a primary residence to a rental property. Here are the details:

• Province: Alberta
• Purchase Date: April 2007
• Purchase Price: $278,000
• Conversion to Rental: August 2016
• Fair Market Value at Conversion: $230,000 (appraised by realtor based on comparables sold during the timeframe)
• Primary Residence: From 2007 to 2016
• Current Plan: Selling the property in 2024

I did not make a Capital Cost Allowance (CCA) claim, nor did I file a T2091 (IND) form when I converted the property to a rental. I also did not report the change in use in my 2016 taxes (I wasn’t aware that I had to as I didn’t think renting it out was considered a sale)
My questions are:

1. How should I calculate the capital gain or loss for the property, considering it was my primary residence for a significant period?
2. Do I need to adjust my 2016 taxes since I didn't file the T2091 (IND) form or report the change in use?
3. What would be the implications of selling the property this year without having reported the change in use back in 2016?
4. If there's a late-filing penalty for the T2091 (IND) form, how is it calculated, and can it be waived under certain conditions?

Any advice or guidance would be greatly appreciated, especially if someone has gone through a similar situation.
Thank you!

Im writing this because I just want to release a little bit my pain.
Context: I met this boy in November 2021 he was my first boyfriend. I was 26 he was 23. I’m a trans girl fully transitioned 🐱 . At the beginning it was like a movie . Everything I always wanted in a partner all my standards were met . I’m strict because I fear to look stupid . It make sense that after all that time without a real connection with anyone it was finally him . I could be myself , he was not a weirdo(like tons of men attracted to trans girls ) his family was wealthy but he was super down to earth he was Romantic during his trips he sent me postal letters telling me about his days even if we talked online while he was away that detail will always stay with me .he was accepted to study aboard in Sweden for summer 2022. I knew it was going to be over by then so in my head I wanted to have a good summer he wanted to keep the relationship long distance and I thought it was cute. But everything changed the day I met his parents for his brother birthday. I was skeptic to meet his family since I never done it before. But he convinced me that everything was going to be okay. The night went well I survived I told myself . That was until the next day that he called me crying . His mom did not accept I was trans (he knew about it but we never talked about it ) and told him the worse things about me . Like I was not human like I didn’t had a mother that loved me too . After that he changed. I was not his dream girl anymore I felt I became a burden since he had to hide it every time he came to see me. I never been humiliated like that . Then a month later he broke up with me . I always been super prideful so I took the L and I told him I wasn’t going to deal with bigotry obviously I was hurt but I rather die before he sees me in pain . Then the next day he came crying to me my house saying how sorry he was that being without me was more painful than listening to his parents . I took him back again he was leaving I wanted to end up in good terms . But those last months weren’t the same . His vision of me changed . I could Feel it. And the worse part is that those months were one of the happiest of my life . Ngl this may sound superficial I did enjoyed getting access to his wealth (boats , cottages , expensive restaurants) but I genuinely liked him . At the end I wrote him a text message expressing how I felt about how humiliating the whole situation was and how stupid I felt for believing in him . He got upset and said hurtful things to me but saying sorry right after . I’m a regular time I would had snap back but he was leaving so again for sake of peace 😭The last day before leaving overseas after tears we said goodbye. I was preparing myself for the breakup I made him unfollow me from instagram and Snapchat and told him that I was better for us not to speak (I was expecting him doing it anyways but he didn't) n that was the least time I heard from him. After I deleted all his photos , texts everything and started dating again . I met someone cool a month after that brought me the material side I like but I ghosted him after because there was not spark . It wasn't him . So I gave my self a break to heal n I haven't dated anyone since then it's being 2 years 😭 For the first months after he left I felt's relieved the anxiety and the tension about his family was gone but the more the time passed the more I became bitter about the whole situation. For the past year and a half he came to watch my instagram stories every month (without following me) and I post like once in a month so that gave my heart hope that everything we lived was real that I was special if he was stalking me like that even my friends once and he actually had feelings for me . Hoping he would reach out but he never did . So I blocked him thinking it would help me but it’s being 6 months and I still feel the same😭 And the thing is I knew he was leaving so it was going to end anyways but it didn't had to be so ... humiliating.. making feel like I was not enough being terrified of meeting someone new .. traumatized Why do I have to live traumatized and they got to live a happy life ? N the worse is that I'm grateful for him he's not a bad person I know that . But I wish I can hurt them back I'm just angry I got to feel like this and he’s going to live the life I always wanted. It's being 2 years and it hasn't been a day I don't think about it . I still burst in tears . I can't anymore.

Greetings, My US visa has been refused under the 221(g). Hence, the consular officer is requiring me to submit a Qatar Police Clearance Certificate.
I worked in Qatar from 2008 to 2010. As per the Immigrant Visa required documents, "immigrant visa applicants are required to present a police clearance certificate from any country in which they have resided for at least one(1) year from the time they turn 16 years old". So I email the Qatar Embassy in Manila for the requirements and procedures on how to obtain a Qatar PCC, good thing they responded right away stating that "Please note that we can only obtain information from the most recent ten years of stay in Qatar, beginning with the current year. As a result, only applicants who left Qatar after 2014 are eligible". What I did was I printed and sent the email from Qatar Embassy in Manila together with 221(g) letter to the US Embassy, but after a few days I got another 221(g) letter saying that I should obtain a PCC from Qatar and not through the Qatar Embassy in Manila. With that being said, a friend of mine is working in Doha, Qatar and she is willing to be my representative to get a police clearance. So, I completed all the required documents and sent it right away to her. She went to MOFA and Philppine Embassy in Qatar to get the documents stamped. And when she went to CEID, they told her that they cannot process the requested police clearance certificate since I resided there more than ten years ago. She also asked the CEID if they can give a letter stating their policy. But they refused to give her.
We relay all the information from my representative to the US embassy that we cannot obtain a police clearance certificate. I received an email from US Embassy stating that if an applicant is unable to obtain a police clearance, he should submit documentary evidence of his attempt to do so.
My representative has sent back all the documents in the Philippines. We sent all those documents to the US embassy that will serve as a proof of attempt in obtaining a Qatar PCC.
From the day the documents were received by the US embassy, I always update my visa status. An update has been made yesterday and my visa status is still refused. I am very worried because my medical report expires in a few weeks.
Is there anything I can do? Any help from you is greatly apprrciated.

I don’t really know where to start this post or in which forum to post it, but here goes.
It all began when I was 15 years old. I messaged a 16-year-old boy to talk about poetry, a passion of mine at the time. We moved in the same circles—his cousin went to my school, and most of the girls at my school were friends or family with the boys at his school. In December 2014, as silly kids in love, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I agreed, and we started dating. A few months later, we decided to let our parents know. My mom laughed when I told her I had a boyfriend, but she agreed to let me date him as long as I kept my grades up, if not better. I was her perfect kid—always on top of my class, quiet, obedient.
After high school, I moved to the US and earned a bachelor's degree in nursing. My boyfriend went to a different state and graduated with a bachelor's degree in business. He graduated before me and moved to my state to be closer, as we had been doing long distance. In December, on our seventh anniversary, he proposed, and we got married a few months later. We rushed because we wanted to finally live together and live our love. However, we both wanted him to be stable, meaning we needed to file immigration papers for him since I had become a permanent resident through my mom. Everything seemed fine.
One year before his graduation, while he was visiting me, his mom asked him to marry one of her friend's daughters for residency. She assured him that the girl was not as pretty as me but was a good, church-going girl. My boyfriend refused, saying he wouldn't do that to me. I was around 20 at the time, and I was furious and hurt. Why would she do that to me while always being friendly and asking me what gifts I wanted? When I confronted her, she claimed it was a joke and accused me of invading her privacy. I left it at that, but the incident haunted me.
We talked it out at my boyfriend’s graduation in 2021. She insisted I had taken it the wrong way. My boyfriend proposed on our seventh anniversary, and we got married in a court ceremony in July. We moved in together a few months later, after I started my dream nursing job.
In October, on the one-year anniversary of earning my nursing license, I lost my job. It was surreal because the night before, I had a dream that someone tried to shoot me, and my mom was trying to protect me. A few days later, we received a deportation letter for my husband because I wasn't a citizen yet. Fortunately, I had applied for citizenship two months prior. I decided to tell my mother-in-law. She claimed she had a feeling something was wrong because she dreamed I was pregnant, but my husband had reassured her everything was fine.
November and December came, but no job offers, despite positive interviews. My mom couldn't believe it since nurses are always in demand. My mental health plummeted. Two days before Christmas, I had a dream about receiving a black car, and the following night, a black cake. These dreams left me feeling uneasy. My mom sought advice from elders, and they told us to pray, as the dreams seemed ominous.
My eyes started twitching nonstop, my ears rang incessantly, and my heart raced, though my pulse was normal. My uncle, who practices voodoo, consulted a priest to understand what was happening. The priest revealed that someone had done extensive work to separate my husband and me and had caused me to lose my job because I hadn’t divorced him. Skeptical, I dismissed it at first, but the priest asked me to identify someone I had a conflict with and became rancorous. I couldn’t think of anyone but mentioned my mother-in-law. My family found it hard to believe, as she had always been like a second mother to me.
The priest gave me instructions to reveal the perpetrator, and I dreamed of my mother-in-law. Things worsened, and we discovered she was part of a secret society and had sold me to them in December. She had initially sold her son as a sacrifice, but since we were married, she switched him with me. She stopped texting me in January 2024, and my husband and I slept at my mom’s house out of fear. We removed a bracelet his mom gave him, which the priest said was cursed.
In April, my mother-in-law sent me a strange birthday message, expressing love and admiration for me. I blocked her. My husband believed in the coincidences and the night terrors he experienced. He told his grandma, who was skeptical but didn’t dismiss the possibility since she had a weird mystical spiritual kind of dispute with my MIL uncle when my husband was about to be born. She found it weird cause my MIL cheated for 3 years in her marriage with a friend of the husband. She told my hubby she didn’t tell the dad to divorce him even when they were separated for some time, she only advised the son to work it out and not telling her anything about what the wife did to him. Grandma said how could she do that to us when her, she asked his son to work things with her.
My husband spoke to his dad, who initially doubted the story but then after telling my husband he went to a voodoo priest, he said to my hubby that is not true what I told him and suggested I might be trying to distance him from his mom. This strained our relationship as my husband believed his dad. My dad, with his familial spiritual insight, saw that my mother-in-law continued to target me despite being judged in the spirit world and found guilty.
Now, I feel trapped. My husband, my best friend, doesn’t believe his mother could do this, yet she continues her witchcraft. My family is at a loss, never expecting such a situation. I fear for my safety and sanity, constantly praying and crying. If I divorce my husband, he might get deported. We will have been married for two years in July and together for a decade in December. He is my family and my best friend, but I don’t know if I can have children with him, knowing his family, especially his mother, is after me. I don’t want to spend my life in fear. I am lost. And I love him…

I've always been interested in art, but lately I've had some questions that I can't resolve on my own. The fact is that I really love classical art - painting, sculpture, especially the Renaissance. I love seeing the skill of the artists, their attention to detail, the realism and beauty of their work.
But when it comes to contemporary art, I often find myself stumped. Recently I was at a contemporary art exhibition, and many of the works seemed strange and even meaningless to me. One of the installations was just a pile of garbage, and the painting, for which they asked a lot of money, looked like random strokes of paint.
I'm sure there is some idea or concept behind this that I just can't understand. Maybe I'm missing something? How do you feel about contemporary art? How to learn to see in it something more than just random shapes and colors?

I commissioned art from an artist who is also an online friend. They sent me a sketch asking if there is anything I want to change.
I told them: “Just some details, can I note on top of this sketch?”
They said ok.
The details are the character’s expression, hair length, and I adjusted the shoulder
In hindsight, I should have out right ask them if I can draw on top of the sketch…..
So I sent them the version that I drew on top. And now I’m feeling wrong. They haven’t reply to me. I’m worried that I may have offended them.
Can someone help me look at this objectively? And give me advice on how to proceed if I offended the artist?