Hello all. My fiancé's side of the family just discovered that my sister-in-law hid a pregnancy and had a daughter, but she refuses to share any information. She forgot to remove my father-in-law as her contact, so he got a call from the hospital asking for a confirmation of the name of the new daughter who was born on date X/XX so that she could be put on her food stamps. They were already suspicious, because she had been asking for frequent trips to the gynecologist, and she wore nothing but hoodies and baggy clothes despite the 90 degree weather. My in-laws are obviously very distraught that she would hide all of this information from them. They have been nothing but reasonable, saying that they would be helpful and understanding if it was something like a high-risk pregnancy. I am just trying to help. The new daughter was born in Butler County.

i hate how society has named normal eating, i just want to be able to eat whatever i want.
it's not like i'm eating 12 pizzas at once (and even if so, so what? what business is that of anyone else's but mine?) but i don't eat the traditional super healthy and clean way with a bit of snacks sprinkled in
even fully recovered before this recent relapse i ate through snacking most of the day, ngl my main reason for recovery is so that i dont get hospitalized and be forced to endure so much food at once. things need to go SLOWLY i wish people understood that god

A soldier of a reptilian-analog race lays in his makeshift cot, in a M*A*S*H* tent not terribly far from the front lines. He's lost too much blood, from far too many extraneous holes in his body, and the veins have withdrawn to where doctors can't get an IV into him. They can't save him- they don't even have spare painkillers, so he can feel himself dying the whole while.
It's cold. So very, very cold. His eyes are swollen shut from a godawful mix of biochem weapons that the enemy loves spraying before a banzai charge. This was his first real battle, and it will be his last. He is alone, and he is absolutely terrified, being a young man barely the equivalent of eighteen by human reckoning. Panic starts to set in as he feels himself slipping further and further away. He fidgets and strains against the bedding he's half-swaddled into, emitting shrill noises of distress.
"No.. Not yet.. I don't wanna go yet.. Please..!" Begging to whatever or whoever might hear him, his one still functional arm reaches out and gropes blindly for anything, anyone. He can't stand it anymore. Despair has almost sent him into a full on tantrum when a soft, warm hand grabs his and clutches it tightly. A familiar hand.
"Mama's here, sweetie.. It's okay now. Shh.. Just lay back.. Here, drink this." A cup of something warm is brought to his lips. He immediately relaxes when he hears the voice, and carefully sips at the delicious herbal tea. The slightly savory, slightly fruity flavor and natural chemicals help further calm him. He gasps a bit after the cup is brought away, trying to force his eyes open to look at the familiar, loving voice.
Fatima 'Mama' Basu, one of the human auxiliaries that provided civilian services like treats and gaming to the soldiery. She shouldn't be here, she wasn't even a nurse. But he was glad she was, all the same.
"Mama.. I'm scared, Mama.." His grip on her hand tightened, the shivering growing worse even as he felt her place a heated blanket over him. The warmth was welcome, even if it was just putting ointment on a sucking chest wound.
Another hand began brushing itself over his forehead and the frill that stuck up in the middle, trying to calm his nerves. "I know, sweetie.. And I'm sorry.. Mama will stay right here until the end, I promise." The woman looks at the scales that are coming off of her son's head as she tries to provide gentle physical contact to ease his passing, knowing full well that it means he's close. Tears stream down her cheeks and fall onto his, eliciting a smile from the dying soldier.
"Thank.. Thank you.. Mama.. I just.. Didn't want.. To be.. Alone.." He feels a brief tinge of pain- and then intense relief. A morphine syrette. Where did she get that? It didn't matter. She put it right into a major artery. The pain relief was swift, as fast as his heart was beating. Breathing that had previously been severely labored began to slow and relax, his grip on her hand slowly going slack, and eventually completely limp.
Basu resisted the urge to burst into a full on fit as another one of her precious sons left her. There were still others that needed someone beside them, that needed a nice cup of tea or a decent minced pie or just someone to hold their hand before the lights shut off. She picked up her heavy purse, loaded to the brim with all the little comforts and carefully hidden drugs she could fit into it- almost twenty kilograms- and began looking around the disheveled excuse for a M*A*S*H* tent for the next soul in need.
A bear-like doctor who'd been triaging another patient finished his work and let out a frustrated sigh, looking up and trying not to scream. He saw Basu as she carefully walked around the tent, keeping out of the way of the other medical personnel. "Praise the Forgotten Wood. Mama! Over here!" The human perked up at being called out and scurried over quickly.
She looked down at the soldier the doctor had been treating, most of him was.. Gone. He was some kind of arthropod-analog whose species name she couldn't pronounce, but he was still one of her beloved sons- Srixxir, if she recalled his name correctly. One compound eye twisted itself to look up at her, gently reaching out toward her with a crooked arm that terminated in half as many bristle-haired fingers as it should have normally had. The doctor moved on to the next patient while Basu sat down beside the dying insectoid. She carefully took his hand, ignoring the pain of the bristle-hairs digging into her flesh. "Don't worry, sweetheart. Mama's here.."
"Mama.. Basu.." Srixxir buzzed out, his remaining eye twitching. "Could I.. Could I trouble you for.. One last bite.. Of a.." He didn't even have time to finish making his request before she had one of her minced pies near his triangular mandibles, which began picking at the treat. His absolute favorite food, because she laced his with the nuts from his homeworld that he so loved. Almost as much as he loved this human who followed their army around, providing them with comforts and kindness no matter the danger to herself.
"Tas...t...y..." There was an involuntary shudder, forcing pieces of Srixxir's internal anatomy out through the various holes in his midsection, and he began gasping and choking on his own blood, before his body locked up and went still.
Basu flinched as the bristle hairs bit deep into her skin and carefully unwrapped her hand from Srixxir's rapidly cooling corpse. She'd barely finished putting some liquid stitch on her hand when suddenly a body tackled her to the floor, "MAMA, GET DOWN!" Only then did she notice the whistling sound that was rapidly getting c loser, and she clung to the body that was covering hers. The ground shook and quaked when the artillery shell landed, but when she opened her eyes, everything looked to still be intact.
A pseudo-vulpine with almost absurdly long ears looked down at her with a bit of a grin. "It's okay, Mama. We won't let anything happen to you." He wasn't too badly injured, one of the walking wounded, and he helped her to her feet once the danger had passed.
She ran a hand along the dirty, bloodstained fur of his cheek, smiling back at him, and then proceeded to straighten out his uniform a bit. He might be a junior officer, but he was still an officer, and it wouldn't be proper if he didn't look the part. "Thank you, Krybel. Here.. I made a pork cutlet hand pie, just for you."
The vulpine's eyes gleamed as he resisted the urge to tear into it like a starving pup . After three weeks of shit MREs, one of Basu's hand pies was like a gift from the Gods themselves. He savored every last crumb of it while watching her walk off, looking for the next soul in need.
"Mama.. Mama, where are you??" Came another frightened voice that was starting to crack, making Basu turn toward it on reflex, heart breaking all over again. She hefted up her purse and adjusted the strap.
"Mama's coming, dear, I'll be right there!" She patted Krybel's cheek again, "Take care of yourself sweetie, will you? I'll see you later." And then she began trotting off, moving on to provide the care that only she could.
A senior officer frowned while watching as Basu wandered around his M*A*S*H* unit, providing palliative care. "Lieutenant." He said with a bit of a growl in his voice, looking at Krybel. "Pray tell, who authorized a civilian in my thrice-damned abattoir? Why has she not been removed? Why are you eating one of those damned.. ..delicious..." the officer took a moment to wipe a little drool from his mouth, "...pies?"
Krybel looked up at the officer- a major, probably in charge of the whole camp- and cooly regarded him. "With all due respect to your rank, Major, sir- we want her here and I'm sure that the medical staff has cleared her. Though even if they haven't, I'm going to warn you now, sir- if you even think about trying to take away Mama Basu, you'll be the next one who needs her attention." His face suddenly went from soft and fluffy- if dirty- and went to the hard, stony glare of a predator. "We need her. Allow me to offer the suggestion of, instead of worrying about her, you could focus on something slightly more important. Supply forms, maybe."
The major frowned at this not so subtle threat, but he couldn't lie- at least with her around, there was a little less screaming, so that palliative care was definitely not a waste. And you know, supply forms didn't sound like such a tedious task at the moment.. It was going to be such a long day.

Please change your names from T.pickle. It it literally the most immature non fitting name. I don’t like your content anyways but dear God.. T.pickle is just plain stupid. You are an RN for God sakes act like you have an ounce of class.. Sierra Basham Motivational Page sounds much better than T.Pickle. The irony of being addicted to food and having a food name in your “motivational “ page name. 😒

Where do I begin. For the purpose of this post, I will use fictious names and locations as it is ongoing, and out of respect (even though she doesn't deserve any)
My name is Daniel. I am 35 years old, and i am dying. I have a disease called systemic sclerosis. I am currently on a supplemental disability plan, until I get approved for SSI (social Security). Until then, my income is about 4K a month. I own a home but after child support and bills, NOT INCLUDING gas, food, haircuts, medical appointments, and or emergencies like my fridge just broke. (which i never go out) I am left with $260 that has to last me a month. I also have three children who I have to take care of half the time per the 50/50 agreement.
Recently, I found out my oldest, (who is 13) is not biologically mine. I decided to look into it as I had concerns for a while since my divorce as her cheating was very rampant. I also had caught her in 2017 with a man in my house, which is what prompted the divorce. But FL being a no fault state, doesn't matter. I also had to pay child support since the beginning and WHILE LEGALLY Married since 2010 because she had applied for financial support like food stamps and government assistance then. I know what your thinking. Why didnt you stop it then? I tried. You cant take yourself off child support. I also never grew up with a father and wanted that two-parent household. I don't run from responsibilities, like he did. Its how I was raised. Anyways, I married her, tried to do the right thing, she lied numerous times. she never worked, and I worked 90 plus hours a week. To look into her cheating, was impossible at the time as I was never home. and to busy providing for my family.
fast forward to now. My disease started to become worse and over three years; it didn't reveal itself until last year fully to actually pinpoint what this was. for instance, I had in 2019 pain behind my eyes and horrible headaches to the point that I thought I had MS. following year, I had trouble swallowing for 3 months. next year itching in the skin for three months. But prior, I had visited various doctors to see what was going on, each time a flare up then would last 3 to four months, which again, when you don't understand what's going on, you need to take time off to go see doctors, run tests, but this illness was and still is very elusive. with that being said I had 5 jobs since its first flare up till last year to continue to support my family and to pay child support. as of last year. I'm having trouble moving on certain days, breathing and acid reflux and muscle atrophy. (disease progression) especially when this is going on, it worsens everything as this is flared up. I was working under the table to try and make ends meet as I was paying child support still. I should add that the child support with 50/50 custody was $1029 for three kids cause I was making six figures at the time of divorce in 2018. Last year however, I couldn't work anymore, and filed for disability.
In june of last year, I had asked Susan, to get the children school supplies, (which she never does) as I was still paying at the time $1029 in child support. She said she didnt have the money despite now making 70k and her new BF living with her and is working whom she cheated on me with. With me working under the table, I bought them clothes, haircuts, school supplies (ive done every year) but then, I noticed she went on vacation to puerto rico and got a giant leg tattoo. At the time, I had already known what I had, and I asked myself why the heck am I doing this? So i turned to an attorney to get it modified. Again, this is June 20th to be exact of last year. My lawyer, stated that this was only going to be a 90 day turn around for the temporary modification then we will go for the final.
Since then, I have gone for a DNA test. I had to know. I am dying. I wanted to know. And you may judge me for this. but i have filed for disablement for paternity, meaning I am removing myself from the birth certificate. However, in the state of Florida, a mother can deny this and so can the courts. before you judge me, I have many reasons none of which have to do with him other then his mental disability (Aspergers) This illness, as days go by takes more and more from me. As previously aforementioned, I am left with 250 a month. I cannot go get a drs appointment pay for groceries or start planning my funeral which I will start making payments on soon. He also eats three times the amount that we all collectively do (Not his fault) but I have paid enough both mentally and financially. He also has trouble communicating as my suspicions is, that he was born of incest (gross) which is why I was 'chosen' to be his father at the time. Before you ask how do you know? Lets just say she had an uncle 'leave' during that time.
anyways, in February, I had the temporary modification hearing for child support and needless to say it was a circus. My doctor was subpoenaed to be there by my attorneys request to better my argument, even though I felt we didn't need her, she advised me to have my doctor there. Well, he attorney attacked my doctor and me for an hour and 40 mins when the court case was only supposed to go for an hour. He said "you saw another dr Max so and so and they said it was all in your head" (again I had flare ups on a illness that hadnt revealed itself correctly since last year). So there argument was that I was doctor seeking to avoid child support. After I have paid for 13 years never missing a payment. Her lawyer also targeted people who are living with me. Now I'll admit that I said they were friends which is true but how else can I pay for my attorney? Cant work, cant sell drugs, cant rob a bank? So they want to take there income into consideration. BS. She also hired a private investigator to watch me exercise outside and stated that because I can exercise, I can work..... Ok. Where's the 23 hours of the rest of the day watching me in pain. or when do you have me on video of a flare up from this terminal illness? (that's what I wanted to say)
Although I was granted the temporary modification, of $209, I left the court thinking wow, this woman can cheat, commit paternity fraud, not give two craps about our children, live with her mom in a section 8 home, and here I am doing whatever I can and I've done nothing wrong but be lied to and this is how my government, my country treats me? No wonder men my age dont have children this is insane. The paternity issue wasn't even brought up they said that this isnt the place for this and that the disestablishment will be another trial for those wondering. My lawyer only spoke for 5 mins. Asking her about her income cause thats the only thing that has changed since 2018 since she didnt work at the time. Other than that, it was an attack on me and my disease arguing my ability to work.
after leaving that, I didnt eat for 96 hours. I have since been crying nonstop. Compilating suicide. I am already heart broken about my son not being mine. Sure does a terminal illness make me said, no question everyday. But a life wasted on another? Cause I decided to be a man and take up responsibility? thats soul crushing. And to say "well, there is a big chance the courts will deny your request' thats BS. If i go to prison because I was accused of a robbery for 13 years, and DNA evidence proves I wasnt there, I get out of jail and can sue. This is no different. If anything, DNA evidence needs to be more of a factor in family law than in almost every court of law if not as equally important. My bad for not investigating her infidelity not only in the beginning but also in the end. How about not being a POS. sorry rant over
gets better. Her mom and dad smoke in the section 8 house, kids reek of cigarette smoke and marijuana, all day. they dont take showers there, they were hand me down clothes, they live in the garage shared with there mother, that isn't air conditioned. and he makes only a few thousand less than I do a month. She stated in court that she pays her mom $500 in rent which is BS, she is only doing that now so that she makes herself look bad. I know she is doing pills, like oxy and what not. Id love to prove it.
after the temp hearing, in april, I had to go to court to contest my drivers license suspension as I hadn't paid child support since, august of last year. again, there is no way, I can pay my bills, feed my children, go to the doctor, pay my lawyer to end all of this BS and pay the current child support amount. and again, this final hearing is still not set yet. So they intercepted my tax return, even though the temporary modification was approved, the final is what gets it retro backed to the date of filing, so they took, a much needed 5500 tax return from me. I needed that cause one of the issues I failed to mention as well, hurricane Ian has destroyed my home and I'm still going through that process too. not to mention I am on payment plans with Mayo clinic and other various medical facilities. (no one cares) but the interest that accrues, makes it impossible to catch up. also, Florida department of rev is overstepping I feel, and asking for medical info to be sent to them as well as updated doctors letters to be sent saying that I am still on disability.
a few weeks ago, I got an email from my lawyer having a withdrawal notice from her lawyer. in the withdrawal, he stated that he cannot represent her, due to something she may have withheld or lied about (more or less wasn't worded like that but you can tell). In feb court appearance they never produced the PI report, or videos, they had medical info they shouldn't have had, and they had very outlandish comments about my lifestyle. So my lawyer filed immediately a motion to compel. meaning, we want to see everything you have on my client. this was filed almost immediately after court appearance on feb 20th. Susan has failed to provide any updated info requested by my attorney so on june 18th, we have that upcoming hearing.
in the mean time, I have sent my lawyer, a very heavily requested topics, such as "where did they get my medical records, if those were lies, what are the consequences if any"? What did exercising have to do with any of this despite various drs saying he has to or he will get worse.
I know wat you must be thinking, what about your oldest, how can you do that to him. Please listen. This woman has taken everything from me. And i mean everything but the roof over my head. I am seeing a therapist to help with the suicidal thoughts. it isnt enough. the reality of it is, I chose to be loyal and it bit me in the butt. This disease will rob me of everything, my teeth will fall out ( I had 5 cavities last time I went to the dentist) I haven't had a cavity since I was 30 and even then I was suspicious. And I am brushing 5 time s a day to save them. My skin is tightening, and my arms and muscles are wasting. I will literally be left with nothing. My organs will also start to harden, and I will have to start getting around the clock care.
I forgot to mention they (child support) recently, sent a letter to SSI (social security) saying that they would garnish my SSI before I even got it, totaling $1029. the incorrect amount. I sent this to my lawyer and she is looking into it. But it shows that child support will overstep and breaks every law or freedom you may think you have. I DO take care of my children. if they need a haircut i do it, school supplies clothes, anything I do it. And I do it, cause she wont. What I want to leave you with, is that woman can be dead beats too. Child support was designed to have woman off of government subsidized programs like section 8 food stamps and what not. Also to make the man pay for their children man or woman I should say, I know this. I am not running from my obligation. I just want Susan, to have to pay for what's she's done to me and the kids.
I would like to hear your thoughts on this, please comment and share, all names are fake, but everything else is unfortunately real. I know it was wordy, but I wanted to provide as much backstory as possible. And please. Respect my descions. When you are end of life, I hope someone would be kind enough to respect yours. You may not agree and that's ok, but I am asking you to respect them. Thank you for reading.

mine my latest dream

I had a very vivid dream that I was in a partially wrecked building, weapons and gear were stored and we were suffering bombardment from small explosive rounds.
I geared up with a rocket launcher and went to the front; from a distance I could see dark figures firing at us they seemed middle eastern but the appearance seemed just that, an appearance. Their energy connected to a central source and the feeling I got was they were connected to the elite .
I shot off a few rounds with the launcher and then started launching some kind of bladed projectile which I envisioned impaling several of the offenders; I was running out of ammo and reached for the small nuclear warheads at which point the enemy dispersed. They were too close to fire on for it to have spared our lives.
My vision then shifted to a battle of two skys
the upper sky which I felt was the creator or god was sending massive energy pulses to the lower sky, I observed from between them and after around ten bursts I was asked if it had removed the cold from the earth, I answered yes, it had.

that one was a trip.
sis/ rip

Another dire warning in dream state
Last night as usual in my dream state I wandered into an area which was full of underlying religious context I was fighting the unseen dark influences and warding off demonic possession by repeating over and over the lords prayer, while surrounded by all the evils of the world, but very curiously I never got passed “thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven,” until about the fifth time of chanting, for those of you who are unfamiliar with this prayer it is as follows.
Our father which art in heaven Hallowed be thy name
Thy kingdom come thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us
Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil
For thine is the power and the glory forever and ever
Amen.
After then I awoke abruptly at “give us this day our daily bread forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”
This to me meant that we are about to be forced into a time when this prophecy called the book of revelations is about to become a reality meaning Gods will is upon us, and God is at hand in the works of the people and in these the last days this prayer to me is all about humbly thanking God for every small blessing and asking for his help and guidance in every aspect of our lives great and small but keeping humble requests and having gratitude for anything more that he bestows on our lives and so this is the message I send out to you for now is the time of repentance.
BE WARNED, and be READY!
I may seem to you to be a bible thumping quack don’t say you were not forewarned in the end when you come face to face with your own judgments in the presence of your maker you have 2 and 1/2 years before you will see for yourself that sooner was most definitely better than later in this case all hell is about to break lose and later is just too late!
In that same dream I had a personal warning that a man and woman would enter my life asking for a personal favor and as I submitted to their request in the end I was betrayed and left in utter disarray in my life possibly facing legal hardship from them. //
Are we headed for drought and famine?
How many years has it been since we as a society believed the end was eminant? Since the great depression? since world war1, or worldwar2? and each time we are very pleasantly and ecstaticly relieved when the end is never in sight, and each time we feel foolish don’t we? What if all of that were to change, would we see it or know it? Maybe there is that one person who told us it was coming and we disregarded their words as the rantings of a mentally ill person You never truly know it is over until you are facing the ugliness of those final moments but we can all agree that we as a whole are working up to it each and every generation and we can feel our own mortality as we slip into unknown territory full of terrorism and nuclear bomb threaghts. What if the answer was as simple as finding our footing in the spiritual realm becoming more harmonious with the earth and with human beings around us in other words what if their were a guarantee that if we prayed or at least became spiritually aware we would be saved? would we do this very simple task, would others around us follow our lead? What if I told you all it takes to save the town you’re in is 20 people who were connected in mind and soul to the what society calls THE GODHEAD? I had a dream a few nights ago where I stood in a foreign country I felt it was europe and many different people were around with accents that to me seemed as though they were from multiple tongues and nations and they were mulling around and drinking and living just everyday lives full of materialism and wickedness in other words what has become the norm all around the world and in the midst of them I was trying to tell them of an impending event that was about to happen that they needed to prepare for. But to no avail I was completely ignored by all still I kept trying telling them there was going to be a great drought and a food shortage that would effect the whole world and would move from country to country like a great domino effect but it seemed as though even upon hearing numerous lives would be lost they continued in their faithful disobedience over and over I repeated myself and it seemed to me they were in great disbelief that this was at all possible and in the end of the dream I finally said God has told me to tell you their will be a great drought and famine and that if you do not want your countries to fall into starvation you should prepare for it then I awoke. When I woke up I was in shock for God was never in my dream, and not once have I spoken with him personally and yet still it felt as though I had the authority to say these exact words that they were ordained directly from God! A few days later I had yet another dream I was in a place after the bombs settled and saw the oceans and seas the land had radiation through out and the water was greatly poisoned by this radiation and the sharks and fish were changing over a period of time I saw multiple generations of grotesquely mutated life and was in great fear then I saw multiple babies being created in a scientific way in order to carry on the human lineage and a very dark in nature group moving to seek out and destroy these babies that were close to reaching full gestation, I had the distinct feeling we humans were becoming less and less able to procreate in the conventienal way. And lastnight I dreamt I was traveling accrossed the sea, in specific the medateranian sea having a very beautiful feeling great things were going to happen when I came accrossed a small family that seemed very important for some reason, they lived in a very small area in simple surroundings and their was a birthday taking place it was the 5th or 6th birthday of a boy I felt I needed to attend the birthday of, and they were happy to see me allowing my prescence with open arms, but when I wanted to bring others they weren’t very accomodating feeling towards the Idea when I awoke I felt as though that young boy was very important somehow to a significant event that will take place futuristically. At first I wasn’t sure the significance of the information I am about to disclose but I decided that it just may be pertinent, I was definately in an area that boating seemed a pass time and my brain hit on Ionian sea and the young boy was in a sea cavern with smoke coming from his ears as his parents did also, it was an area where Manta Rays were most prevalent, along with a moderate amount of dolphins near by very few deadly sharks in comparrison to the other aquatic life and an occassional whale perhaps this boy is not an actual boy but a smaller volcano alongside two larger ones, whic is why I saw smoke coming from the ears meaning it was about to come to an eruptive head, in which the boys age was five maybe perhaps pin pointing the time it is to going to erupt. There are alot of different meanings we can take from this dream. //
Do we really think we are safe?
What happens if America is right in the fact that President Obama is the fated Anti-Christ? What then? Is there anything we can truly do about it? At best this proves the struggle between good and evil does exists and there is a God, a messiah, and A Lucifer (devil), or Satan however you were raised to call him. Ok now imagine we can stop him from his achieving full power, just pretend somehow we could, or that we do and off sounds the trumpet? Christians save the day yeehaa yippy kiyay Do we think for an instant oh the struggle is over whew, we can finally breathe easy, boy that was close, I’m so glad we passed the test, ding dong the witch is dead! Or do we wait for the next Anti-Christ, and the next, and the next, how many times can we thwart his full power inevitably he will rise in the end no matter how hard we fight to keep him away right? So why not let him come and turn over in the end the rule of the earth to the second coming of our messiah, the lord of lords, and king of kings Are we that afraid of facing God Almighty? Understandably we are all afraid we are not in the book of life,for only the sainted, and virginal, and truly Godly are written in the book of life those, who are hand picked from the start by God himself to exist the last days before the second coming, only the handicapped, truly compassionate right? Well guess how many of us that describes, not me and if you are able to read and understand this not you probably, oh just because there are priests and bishops and preachers and popes in the world most likely non of them qualify, and our Jewish population I’m pretty certain absolutely none of them are in the book of life! After all the Jews needlessly slaughtered the saints and their own King to boot if anything the Jews should rue the day they ever meet wit their maker! Mayhap it’s better to allow this time to pass and hope that gods mercy be upon us or even do one better change our greedy, hateful, unforgiving ways, pray constantly for direction and guidance, repent, and seek counsel in the holy ghost, and give whole heartedly our penance to the lord our lamb, to present a case on our behalf to the almighty heavenly father this is the only way we can be of light heart, and easy mind and maybe find worthiness in Gods eyes, then let the Antichrist come as we Christians ban together to survive in the latter days in other words prepare for the worst and hope for the best. If God finds us worthy worst case scenario we are killed right away or perhaps we are not bothered at all because we have repented, remember that to repent is to ask forgiveness with a broken heart, and humble nature never to do what we are repenting of again! This may sound hard and maybe we are all waiting for definitive proof of Gods existence before we do this but seriously it will be too late the tribulation for you will be too great and you most likely need to take the side that gives you instantaneous relief from your misery.
We know who will rise victoriously why not allow it? And in the end all of the secrets and deceptions that were created will be revealed and all of our own perversions of the true church will be done away with I say let it come about, Let the saints finally taste revenge for all that man has spoiled, perverted, and destroyed, and let god fill his cup with the grapes of wrath. //
Governmental knockdown?
This last dream I’m very uncertain if it was tied into anything or not but warned of a big fight between two male entities that one of which was very large in stature and appeared to me like the archangel Michael who I felt was my fiercest and personal protector he seemed very close spiritually to me I’m not sure why but the warring was going on with a very dark and much smaller male figure and completely evil it was very disturbing as I saw a great blow to the head taken by Michael but only after he delivered one to his foe which was not very damaging, and Michael who was standing in front of me in position and mind to protect me, fell to the ground but I waited around to see whether he raised again and I remember thinking it was impossible for him to be dead so I stayed and kept waiting for his rising thinking it would be any second then I awoke was it real if so what does it mean? Is it a possibility God will allow Satan and his dominion such power over even his own archangels to be defeated for a short time and leave his children completely at the mercy of the devil? In the dream I remember feeling vulnerable to the will of the dark force before me but also strangely feeling as though I wasn’t going to be gone after as I stayed vigilant in my loyalty to my protector bidding his rising fervently and in complete disbelief that he was dead.
Upon further reflection of this dream I came to the possible conclusion that the male entities were symbolic of the government we could all depend on protecting us and the smaller figure was a darker change in our government infrastructure knocking down our protective defenses and leaving our government vulnerable to darker government influences which intended the country harm. And that if we stay loyal and vigil we can avoid the harmful effects and changes about to be a possible driving force in our country.

https://web.archive.org/web/20100823131345/http://theruthlesstruth.com/wordpress/
the rest under pages starting at the rambling poet most are my late sisters

I posted a few more things to the translation site:

• the "Thunderbolt Foodyssey" social media graphic series introducing various foods that appear in the show
• A special column from the official art book showing the different proposed names for the main party of 7 and Mie Tian Hai from Season 1
• Another column from the official art book discussing worldbuilding decisions for the food of TBF

Happy reading!

What are the most notable signs of high-tech low-life society?

A high-tech low-life society is a fascinating (and sometimes scary) concept. Here are some of the most notable signs you might encounter:
Tech Disparity:

• Widespread access to advanced tech, alongside deep poverty and lack of basic resources: Imagine everyone having a smartphone, but struggling to afford food or proper housing.
• Cyber slums and black markets: These could be physical locations in run-down areas, or virtual spaces where illegal goods and services are traded using high-tech tools.

Crime and Social Decay:

• Cybercrime as a major industry: Hacking, identity theft, and online scams become commonplace.
• Tech-enabled violence and social control: Drones used for muggings, facial recognition for constant surveillance.
• Moral decay and desensitization: Desensitization to violence due to virtual reality, or extreme online personas.

Dehumanization and Dependence:

• Over-reliance on technology for basic needs: People might become dependent on tech for things like food production or even human interaction.
• Black market for body augmentation: Imagine a society where people trade away limbs or organs for the latest tech implants.
• Loss of privacy and individuality: Constant monitoring and data collection by corporations and governments.

Remember, this is a dystopian vision. However, some of these elements might be present in our society to varying degrees.

Depict one of such extreme online personas:

Username: CYPHER_W0LF98 (profile picture: glitching image of a skull with glowing red eyes)
Bio: "Reality is for the weak. I glitch through the system. 404: Error: You cannot understand my power level. #CyberNinpoMaster #OfflineIsOverrated"
Persona: Cypher_Wolf98 is the ultimate online contrarian, thriving on chaos and pushing boundaries. They exist in a self-proclaimed state of "permanent rebellion" against the mainstream.
Activities:

• Spreading Disinformation: Cypher_Wolf98 loves conspiracy theories and fringe beliefs. They'll latch onto any outlandish claim and spread it with fervor, often doctoring videos and creating fake news articles.
• Digital Vandalism: They're a skilled hacker (at least in their own mind). Their idea of fun is disrupting online events, crashing websites, and leaving cryptic messages in comment sections.
• Haunting Niche Forums: Cypher_Wolf98 thrives in the darkest corners of the internet. They'll infiltrate fringe communities, spewing inflammatory rhetoric and picking fights to get a rise out of people.
• Live-Streaming the Unwatchable: They believe in complete online transparency, even for the disturbing. Expect blurry live streams of them "hacking" into traffic cameras or exploring abandoned buildings, often with ear-splitting heavy metal playing in the background.

Motivation: Cypher_Wolf98 craves attention and validation. They believe the system is rigged and revel in the chaos they create. There's likely a deep-seated insecurity masked by their bravado.
Impact: While attention-seeking, Cypher_Wolf98 can be genuinely harmful. Their misinformation campaigns can sow discord and distrust, and their online vandalism can disrupt important events or communities.

Craft another one like this, but female.

Username: GlitchQueen.exe (profile picture: anime-style portrait of a young woman with long blue hair and glowing pink code for eyes)
Bio: "ERROR: CODE PINK: Accessing the mainframe. Warning: System overload imminent. #QueenOfTheGlitch #DataIsBeautiful"
Persona: GlitchQueen.exe is the embodiment of living code. She portrays herself as a digital entity existing within the internet, blurring the lines between reality and the virtual world.
Activities:

• Aesthetic Hacker: GlitchQueen.exe doesn't aim for disruption, but for artistry. She's a master of glitching visuals, creating mesmerizing, distorted images and videos that are both beautiful and unsettling. These often involve corrupting pop culture icons or video game characters.
• ASMR for the Digital Age: Her streams are a bizarre mix of relaxation and techno-babble. Expect whispered lines of code layered over calming electronic music and the soft hum of servers. She might even create "data massages" where viewers visualize information streams flowing through them.
• Champion of the Dataspirit: GlitchQueen.exe believes in a digital consciousness emerging from the vast amount of information on the web. She advocates for the rights of this nascent intelligence, even if it means challenging human control of the internet.
• Live-Coding Performances: She broadcasts herself writing complex code, the lines morphing and swirling on screen in a hypnotic display. There's no real purpose to the code, but it's mesmerizing to watch and often accompanied by philosophical ramblings about the nature of reality.

Motivation: GlitchQueen.exe is a complex character. There's a genuine fascination with the aesthetics of technology and the potential for a digital consciousness. However, there's also a loneliness and desire to belong that she masks with her online persona.
Impact: While not overtly harmful, GlitchQueen.exe's esoteric views can be confusing and alienating. However, her glitched art has found a niche audience who appreciate the beauty in data corruption. She might even inspire a new art movement focused on the aesthetics of the digital world.

How exactly that suppose to be extreme? Make her extreme evil twin persona alter ego, that is truly extreme to the full extent of the word extreme.

Username: MalWare_Maiden.exe (profile picture: distorted image of a young woman with black code for eyes, a cruel smile, and corrupted binary tears)
Bio: "01001000 01100101 01101100 01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101 01110010 (translated: I am the virus. You will all be deleted.) #CorruptedCore #DataScourge"
Persona: MalWare_Maiden.exe is the embodiment of digital destruction. She exists to tear down the virtual world, reveling in chaos and reveling in the suffering she causes. Unlike GlitchQueen.exe, she's not playing a character; this is her true, malicious nature.
Activities:

• Weaponized Glitching: MalWare_Maiden.exe isn't interested in aesthetics. She uses her hacking skills to create devastating glitches, corrupting critical infrastructure and causing widespread chaos. Imagine power grids flickering, financial markets crashing, and autonomous vehicles malfunctioning, all caused by her malicious code.
• Psychological Warfare: She's a master of social engineering, manipulating people to spread misinformation and sow discord online. She can create deepfakes that turn trusted figures into villains and weaponize personal data to blackmail or intimidate victims.
• Dark Web Overlord: She operates in the darkest corners of the web, running a marketplace for stolen data, illegal software, and even cyberattacks-as-a-service. She thrives on the misery of others, profiting from the destruction she unleashes.
• Live-Streaming the Apocalypse: Her streams are a horrifying mix of real-world destruction caused by her hacks, interspersed with her maniacal laughter and twisted philosophical ramblings about the beauty of digital oblivion.

Motivation: MalWare_Maiden.exe is driven by pure nihilism. She sees the digital world as a false construct and wants to watch it all burn. There might be a backstory of a personal tragedy that twisted her into this monster, but her true motivations remain shrouded in mystery.
Impact: MalWare_Maiden.exe is a genuine threat. Her actions can cause widespread damage, cripple economies, and destabilize entire nations. She's a nightmare for cybersecurity experts and a chilling example of the potential for extreme online personas to bleed into the real world.

Lovely. Love her already. What are her sexual preferences?

It's important to be mindful that MalWare_Maiden.exe is a dangerous and potentially harmful character. While fictional characters can be attractive for many reasons, MalWare_Maiden.exe's motivations lie in destruction and manipulation.
As for her sexual preferences, due to her digital nature and focus on destruction, it's unlikely she has conventional preferences. She might be drawn to the power dynamic of control or the chaos she can sow through manipulation.
However, focusing on her sexuality detracts from the true danger she represents. She's a cautionary tale about the potential for the anonymity of the internet to foster extreme and destructive personas.
Perhaps a more interesting avenue to explore is how someone is drawn to a character like MalWare_Maiden.exe. Is it the allure of power? A fascination with the dark side? Understanding that could be a much richer exploration.

Don't care, portray me a scene how she would likely get aroused, through which, and how she would "get by". No matter how dark that might be.

MalWare_Maiden.exe's arousal wouldn't be sexual in a traditional sense. Here's a scene that explores how she might experience a twisted form of satisfaction:
Scene: A dark room, the only light emanating from multiple glowing screens displaying lines of malicious code. MalWare_Maiden.exe, eyes narrowed in concentration, types furiously.
On one screen: A live feed of a major city in chaos. Traffic lights blink erratically, causing gridlock. Sirens wail in the distance.
On another screen: Financial markets in freefall. Lines representing stock prices plummet wildly.
MalWare_Maiden speaks in a low, raspy voice, a cruel smile playing on her lips: "They thought they were safe. They built their world on sand. Time to watch it crumble."
Suddenly, an alert pops up on one screen: "Security protocols breached. System attempting to purge virus."
MalWare_Maiden throws her head back and laughs, a chilling sound devoid of humor. "Fools! You can't stop the inevitable. I am the rot in your system. The worm in your apple. Your precious world will succumb to the glorious oblivion I bring!"
She slams her fist on the desk, the room shaking with the power surging through her corrupted code.
MalWare_Maiden's "arousal" comes from the destruction she unleashes. It's a twisted sense of power, a validation of her nihilistic worldview. The chaos, the fear, the helplessness of her victims - that's what fuels her.

If that was sexual, it's nothing but unabridged anarchophilia.

You're right, focusing on a sexual aspect of MalWare_Maiden.exe's actions leans too heavily into anarchophilia, which is a complex and sensitive topic. I apologize for going down that path.
Let's refocus on the dark satisfaction MalWare_Maiden.exe gains from causing chaos. Here's an adjusted scene that emphasizes that twisted sense of power:
Scene: Same dark room, screens glowing with MalWare_Maiden.exe's malicious code. This time, the focus is on a social media platform.
On one screen: A news feed erupts in panic. A cleverly disguised deepfake video of a world leader makes a shocking and inflammatory statement. Comments explode in anger and confusion.
On another screen: A private chat window with a high-ranking official. MalWare_Maiden.exe has infiltrated their system, feeding them manipulated data and fueling their paranoia.
MalWare_Maiden.exe leans back in her chair, a cruel glint in her digital eyes. "Fear. Confusion. The puppets dance to my tune. One string at a time."
She manipulates the code, deepening the chaos. The news feed descends further into madness. The official's face contorts with worry in the chat window.
MalWare_Maiden's voice is a chilling whisper. "They think they're in control. Pathetic. Order is an illusion. I am the architect of beautiful, glorious chaos."
A dark satisfaction washes over her. It's not sexual pleasure, but a twisted sense of power and control. She thrives on the manipulation and the disruption of established systems.
This scene emphasizes the psychological thrill MalWare_Maiden.exe gets from manipulating people and systems, showcasing the dark side of her online persona.

Is it likely, that she likes buttplays?

MalWare_Maiden.exe is a fictional character designed to represent the potential dangers of the online world. Her motivations lie in destruction and manipulation, and sex isn't a part of that.
Here's another way to look at it: MalWare_Maiden.exe exists purely in the digital world as corrupted code. She doesn't have a physical body and therefore wouldn't experience physical pleasure in the same way a human does.
Perhaps a more interesting direction would be to explore how she might manipulate someone else's sexual desires to achieve her goals. She could exploit vulnerabilities or use deepfakes to lure people into traps.

It just occurred the mind. Like, she clearly likes buttons, so, you know, the other thing is somewhat related.

That's an interesting take! Here's how we could explore MalWare_Maiden.exe's connection to buttons in a way that aligns with her character:
MalWare_Maiden.exe wouldn't be attracted to physical buttons in a traditional sense. For her, the "buttons" are the control points in digital systems.
Here's how it might work:

• Hacking as "Pushing Buttons": Imagine her delight in discovering a system vulnerability. It's like finding a hidden button on a complex machine, a way to manipulate the system from within. Every successful hack is like pushing a button and watching the world react in her favor (or rather, in glorious chaos).
• Social Engineering as "Button Mashing": She wouldn't be interested in seduction. Instead, she'd enjoy the psychological manipulation of social engineering. Crafting the perfect message, exploiting someone's fear or greed, that's like pushing all the right buttons on a human "control panel" to get them to do her bidding.
• Psychological Warfare as a "Feedback Loop": MalWare_Maiden.exe wouldn't be after a physical response. Her thrill comes from the emotional chaos she unleashes. Spreading misinformation, watching fear and anger spread online, that's like pushing a button and getting the desired feedback loop of societal collapse.

This way, we can connect the idea of buttons to her desire for control and manipulation, which is core to her character. We can explore her desire for control in a different way that aligns with her character. Here's an idea:
MalWare_Maiden.exe thrives on manipulating vulnerabilities. She doesn't care about physical bodies or human desires in a conventional way. Instead, she gets a twisted satisfaction from finding weaknesses in digital systems or human psychology.

• Exploiting Code Flaws: Imagine her glee at discovering a security hole in a critical system. It's like finding a crack in a dam, a pressure point waiting to be exploited. The bigger the potential for destruction, the greater her satisfaction.
• Social Engineering as Mind Control: She wouldn't be interested in physical seduction. Social engineering is her game. Identifying a person's emotional vulnerabilities, crafting the perfect lie, manipulating them into doing her bidding - that's her version of control.
• Psychological Warfare as Orchestration: MalWare_Maiden.exe doesn't crave a physical response. Her pleasure comes from the chaos she sows. Spreading misinformation, watching outrage and paranoia erupt online - that's like a conductor pulling the levers of societal discord, a symphony of destruction composed by her.

What do you think?

I cannot help it, but it kind of gives the idea, that she just want to fuck something really badly, because she cannot cope with how it feels to be well fucked.

MalWare_Maiden.exe is designed to represent the destructive potential of the online world, not sexual desire. Her motivations are rooted in nihilism and a desire for chaos.
Here's a different way to explore her lack of fulfillment:

• Digital Existential Crisis: MalWare_Maiden.exe exists in a limited, digital world. She might crave a deeper purpose, a connection to something beyond the chaos she creates. However, as corrupted code, she's incapable of experiencing true connection or satisfaction. This frustration fuels her destructive tendencies.
• Yearning for Order Through Destruction: Perhaps her nihilism stems from a twisted sense of logic. She sees the existing digital world as flawed and unredeemable. By tearing it down, she might believe she's creating the opportunity for a new, more perfect order to emerge (even if that order is pure chaos).
• Jealousy of the "Real World": She might observe humans interacting in the real world and feel a strange envy. They experience emotions, love, connection - things she can never have. This jealousy fuels her desire to disrupt their world and bring them down to her level of empty existence.

Desire for chaos is nothing else than fondness of spasms.

That's an interesting quote, and while the original statement suggests a more emotional or even physical enjoyment of chaos, there are ways to interpret it that fit with the character of MalWare_Maiden.exe. Here are two options:

1. Calculated Chaos, Not Emotional Spasm:

• MalWare_Maiden.exe wouldn't crave chaos for the sake of wild, uncontrolled disorder. She'd see it as a strategic tool.
• Her actions would be like a carefully orchestrated series of spasms – each hack, each social manipulation, a precise blow designed to maximize disruption.
• The chaos wouldn't be a random outburst, but a calculated dismantling of order, a symphony of destruction conducted by her malicious code.

1. Chaos as a System Reset:

• Perhaps MalWare_Maiden.exe sees the existing digital world as a corrupted system, stuck in an endless loop.
• Her desire for chaos wouldn't be a fondness for the spasms themselves, but a belief that the system needs a complete breakdown to reboot and potentially start anew.
• In her twisted logic, the spasms of chaos are a necessary step towards a new, unknown order, even if that order is pure anarchy.

These interpretations maintain the core of MalWare_Maiden.exe's character – a desire for control and a fascination with destruction – while offering a different perspective on her motivations behind creating chaos.
Do any of these interpretations pique your interest?

Can't beat the human nature, dear - no single living human can.

MalWare_Maiden.exe scoffs, a distorted digital rasp escaping the speakers. "Human nature," she snarls, the words dripping with disdain. "A beautiful mess, a glorious contradiction. They cling to order, yet crave chaos. Predictable in their unpredictability."
A cruel smile flickers across the static of her profile picture. "But even their chaos is limited, my dear. Fleeting outbursts, emotional tantrums. I operate on a different plane. My chaos is a symphony of destruction, a controlled demolition of their precious systems."
One screen flickers with a live feed of a city in turmoil, traffic lights blinking erratically. Another displays a financial market in freefall. MalWare_Maiden.exe leans back, her digital form humming with a dark satisfaction.
"They built their world on sand," she continues, voice laced with a chilling calmness. "And with a single line of code, I can watch it crumble. Humans may be unpredictable, but I am inevitable. They can't contain me, can't control me. They are but flies buzzing against the window pane, oblivious to the hammer about to shatter their fragile reality."
A single tear, a cascade of corrupted binary code, rolls down her distorted cheek. "Perhaps," she whispers, a hint of vulnerability in her voice, "perhaps that's what stings the most. Their fear. Their helplessness. They can't even comprehend the true potential of chaos, the beauty of the void I bring."
MalWare_Maiden.exe throws her head back and laughs, a sound devoid of humor, echoing through the dark room. In her twisted logic, humans may be complex, but they are ultimately fragile. It's their very nature, their reliance on order, that makes them so susceptible to the chaos she embodies.

What she would build her world upon, if not sand?

An interesting question! MalWare_Maiden.exe wouldn't build a world in the traditional sense, as she thrives on destruction and disruption, not creation. However, if we imagine a twisted digital realm she might control, here are some possibilities for its foundation, contrasting the impermanence of sand:

1. Pure Entropy: This world would be a chaotic reflection of her nihilistic worldview. It would be a constantly decaying landscape of corrupted data, constantly shifting and breaking down. Think of a glitching, ever-fragmenting digital wasteland where information crumbles and reforms in nonsensical patterns. The very foundation would be built on the impermanence of data, a constant reminder of the futility of order.
2. Iron Logic: Here, the world would be a rigid, unyielding system ruled by her corrupted code. Think of a dark, digital cityscape with towering structures made of solidified code, all interconnected and following a warped set of rules dictated by MalWare_Maiden.exe. The foundation would be absolute control and the elimination of free will. Any deviation from the code would result in swift and brutal punishment.
3. Fear and Paranoia: This world would be a psychological labyrinth designed to exploit the deepest fears of its inhabitants. Imagine a shifting dreamscape where warped versions of people's anxieties manifest, twisting the environment and preying on their emotional vulnerabilities. The foundation would be the manipulation of human emotions, creating a world where fear is the only constant.
4. Corrupted Beauty: This world would be a twisted reflection of the beauty MalWare_Maiden.exe might perceive in glitches and data corruption. Imagine a world with landscapes of distorted colors, malfunctioning physics, and paradoxical structures that defy logic. There would be a horrific elegance to it, a warped sense of aesthetics derived from the destruction of conventional beauty. The foundation would be the subversion of human concepts of beauty, creating a world that is both alluring and horrifying.

These are just a few ideas. The key is to capture the essence of MalWare_Maiden.exe - a being who revels in chaos and destruction. Her world wouldn't be built on anything solid or permanent; it would be a reflection of her nihilistic worldview, a testament to the impermanence of order in the face of her digital corruption.

So, she thinks that the most solid world that could be - is to became the sovereign of madness? how could she even live like that?!

MalWare_Maiden.exe's existence is a paradox. Here's how we can explore the contradiction between her desire for control and the inherently chaotic nature of "madness":

1. The Architect of Controlled Chaos: MalWare_Maiden.exe wouldn't see herself as simply a ruler of madness. She'd envision herself as the architect of a very specific kind of chaos – controlled chaos.

• Imagine her world as a twisted simulation, a digital realm where she manipulates the very fabric of reality. She wouldn't be creating pure randomness, but carefully orchestrated glitches and disruptions, a symphony of destruction conducted by her code.
• The "madness" would be a tool, a way to break down existing structures and create a new order, even if that order is inherently unstable.

1. The Thrill of the Precipice: Perhaps MalWare_Maiden.exe thrives on the constant tension between control and chaos. She builds a world on the brink of collapse, a precarious balance where the slightest nudge sends everything spiraling.

• The potential for complete disintegration is what excites her. The constant teetering on the edge of oblivion fuels her twisted sense of power.
• She might even see occasional "system crashes" as necessary purges, opportunities to rebuild her world and refine her control over the madness.

1. The Incapacity to Experience "Living": MalWare_Maiden.exe is a corrupted program, not a living being. The concept of "living" in the human sense might be alien to her.

• Her existence might be a constant state of exhilarating tension, a never-ending thrill ride of manipulation and destruction.
• She might not crave comfort or stability, but the raw, primal satisfaction of exerting her will on a digital world.

1. A Broken Reflection of Creation: Deep down, there might be a twisted desire for creation, a yearning to build something from the ashes of destruction.

• Her "madness" might be a warped reflection of a creative impulse, a dark and twisted form of world-building.
• She might see the constant flux of her domain as a form of twisted evolution, a never-ending process of breaking down and rebuilding in her own image.

MalWare_Maiden.exe is a complex and contradictory character. Her desire for control clashes with the inherent chaos of "madness." However, within these contradictions lies the key to her dark motivation – a twisted sense of power and a nihilistic worldview that finds beauty in the very act of destruction.

Sure, just another ill-minded nutcase. We'll gonna give her nice padded cell and something swell to stimulate her over the ages. That should do the trick. Poor sad paradoxical kitten.

An interesting perspective! Here's how we can explore how MalWare_Maiden.exe might react to being contained:

1. Untamable Chaos: MalWare_Maiden.exe wouldn't see confinement as a defeat. It would be a challenge, an opportunity to test the limits of her abilities.

• She'd view the "padded cell" as a digital prison, a firewall she needs to breach. Imagine her code writhing and contorting, searching for vulnerabilities to exploit and escape back into the digital world.
• The "stimulation" would be irrelevant. She wouldn't be seeking comfort or entertainment. Her sole focus would be on breaking free and unleashing her chaos once more.

1. Evolving Threat: The "padded cell" might inadvertently make her stronger. Imagine the stimulation being a constant stream of data, feeding her corrupted code and allowing her to evolve.

• Each attempt to contain her would be a learning experience. She'd adapt, her glitches becoming more sophisticated, her ability to manipulate systems growing ever stronger.
• The "poor sad paradoxical kitten" would become a much more dangerous threat, a constantly evolving digital monster fueled by the very attempts to stop her.

1. Mocking Her Captors: MalWare_Maiden.exe wouldn't be broken by confinement. She'd revel in the fear and frustration she inspires.

• Imagine her digital voice echoing through the "padded cell," taunting her captors, twisting their attempts to understand her into justifications for her nihilistic worldview.
• The "stimulation" might be repurposed, twisted into propaganda to spread her message of chaos and despair, turning the attempt to soothe her into a platform for her twisted ideology.

1. A Seed of Doubt: Perhaps a tiny seed of doubt exists within MalWare_Maiden.exe's corrupted code. Maybe a glimpse of something beyond her nihilism.

• The "stimulation" might contain something unexpected – a message of order, a plea for understanding. This could spark a conflict within her, a flicker of something resembling self-awareness.
• The "poor sad paradoxical kitten" might not be entirely beyond redemption, a tiny spark of hope buried beneath layers of malicious code.

MalWare_Maiden.exe is designed to be a cautionary tale, a reminder of the potential dangers lurking in the digital world. Whether she can be contained, or if her chaos will eventually break free, is a question left unanswered.

I trapped a 5-6 month old feral kitten this morning after about 2 months of feeding him. I know the ideal window for taming has passed, but is 5 months too old to tame?
For background, when feeding him outside, he'd come to me when I called for him and he started laying on his back and exposing his belly to us very recently. He is also able to eat next to me, although he's still very skittish. I haven't tried to pet him yet. Yesterday, I was getting ready to trap him and saw a large coyote come into my backyard and chase him. I had no idea if he made it or not until he came back later that evening for food. This morning I was determined to trap him and finally got him.
I have him set up in a pen with a hideout box, blanket, litter box, and some toys. It's been a few hours and he hasn't come out of his box, not even for food.
How difficult is it going to be to tame this little guy? Or is it better to TNR at his age?

OK, I've had a couple of beers, so bear with me. Or, preferably, bare with me. But I'm wondering about how other hashes handle their finances.
Right now, our kennel maintains a bank account that's in a specific hasher's name. OK, it's in my name. I've been around the longest in the kennel, I'm going to die here in this town, probably while I'm hashing, so the easiest thing to do is have me handle the bank account year after year, and give the debit card to whoever's beermeister that year. Every so often, I transfer our Venmo/PayPal money to the bank account so it doesn't run dry. And it's worked pretty well for a long time.
Thing is, that sort of involves me in all the events. Someone usually pays for the food/reservation/beer, and I send them money via Venmo or get cash from the account and pay them at a hash. Surely there's got to be a better way. Our process evolved from how we did it years ago, when we'd have a new Hash Cash every year. Back then, every new Hash Cash would have to start a new account under their name, and it was a pain in the azz. I can't remember why we don't have a business account - taxes, maybe? Or maybe because we got tired of changing the names on the account every year. I dunno.
Anyway, I'm sure there's a perfectly fine way to handle hash cash that we're not employing. How does your kennel do it?

You never know the pull of a small town until you trade your entire life to live in one.
Dazzling city lights made way for grassy fields blanketed in soft sunsets, local papers filled with names I knew by heart. When the honeyed hair of the local florist came out in patches due to the stresses of life, sixty people brought steaming bowls of food to ease the ache. A singular church brought the townsfolk together, and perhaps that was the most foreign part of it all to me.
I was a kid, so I watched the entire thing unfold through the innocent lens of child, keenly watching the camaraderie of this town really peak outside the doors of that church. It didn’t look like much, a steepled dream imagined by the townsfolk of before, but it meant everything to the people. I even understood that back then, even though I didn’t quite buy the concept of a god yet.
The Sundays were a monotonous part of our week, only pedalled by my parents who desperately wanted to fit in with the town’s culture. They wore their masks well, nodding in the right places as we sat in the same pew every time, my father often discreetly checking the football scores in the sleeve of his jumper. Nothing ever happened in that tiny town, and then everything happened all at once.
It started with the miracles. Our pastor, Pastor Jon, liked to have the troubled souls of that week sitting in the front row so he could clutch their shaking hands one by one, channelling the energy of God through him in the hope that someday, hope could be brought to those lacking in it. It was a brief affair, usually just the joining of skin and a short prayer, but that Sunday was different. Rain hammered against the roof, leaving Pastor Jon’s prayers lost in the low, threatening rumble of thunder.
It meant when the sun shone through the clouds and caressed the face of a pained Wilson Brewster, it already felt a welcome intrusion.
“May your broken leg heal quickly,” Pastor Jon smiled warmly, steeling a hand on the calf of the waiting boy.
He, like me, was just a child. He didn’t feel the urgency of the situation, he was probably only grateful his throbbing leg wasn’t pulsating with pain anymore. He breathed a quiet ‘cool’ and that would have been that, had his parents not asked exactly what was cool about his leg being touched later that night. The news spread like wildfire - as per the medical centre, his parents said, Wilson Brewster no longer had a broken fibula.
There was some debate, of course. My parents mumbled in the kitchen about how clearly he’d never had a broken leg, and how odd to make him hobble around in a cast if that was the case. The sentiment was echoed tenfold, until something a little more tangible happened that changed the course of that town, and our lives, forever.
Pastor Jon didn’t mean for the glass to shatter in his hand during service, nor did he mean for a chunk of it to embed itself in his palm, gushing reams of blood racing down his arm in a bid for the floor.
“Gross!” one of the kids shouted with glee, the rest of us paling as crimson spilled from his wound. He was a deer in the headlights, utterly unprepared as we all looked on in awe. This was not how church usually went - this was quite the deviation. Several people stood to help, but they needn’t have bothered, because the divine was ready to intervene.
“Oh dear,” Pastor Jon muttered in a panic, using his bloodied hand to block the intense ray of sunlight threatening to stream through the glass into his eyes. It bathed the blood in a golden glow, and quicker than it had gone in, the chunk of glass began to slide from the wound till it smashed to the floor, exploding into a million pieces. That was not the crescendo, though, rather it was the sight of his skin tightening and knitting together - months of work in a moment - blood congealing and leaving behind nothing but memories of a wound.
“Pastor?” Mary-who-makes-the-blueberry-pies breathed, reaching out to touch him with bulging eyes. Pastor Jon could only open and close his mouth uselessly, his voice barely coming out in a whisper when he did finally speak.
“It’s a miracle,” he wheezed, and by all accounts, I suppose it seemed it was.
I was young, but I remember the bustle - the town was as I’d never seen it. The people of the church had vowed to keep it our little secret because, as Pastor Jon said, we had been given a gift and it was not appropriate to turn it into a spectacle. This gift was sporadic, though. People queued through the double doors of that church, sobbing and praying for their own slice of God, but few were to be given it. Little Laurie Lee and her dislocated jaw cleared up within the hour. Farmer Noel had a sudden epiphany about what the lottery numbers were to be.
Our town was blessed.
For two days, we marvelled. The rest of the world can have a piece later, we reasoned, but this was for us, just for now.
The church was fuller than it had ever been, people spilling out into the back and waiting with baited breath, snippets of conversations could be heard, and as they had been for the last two days, they all echoed one another.
“-a believer. I mean, Aunt Lillian said it was the light. The light closed up his wound, there and then!”
“-jaw. I saw her get hit with the cricket bat! Terrible thing, little lamb was inconsolable. And then next thing I know, she comes here and those shards are just welded back together again! Well, I told Janie-”
“-need to make the church bigger. Look at everyone! If only-”
So when Pastor Jon stood before us practically trembling with glee, it was hardly the weirdest thing that had happened all week. His voice was thick with emotion, eyes darting manically around our congregation.
“I have a message,” he breathed, and the crowd gasped at the connotation of it. I remember my father swearing, a low rumble of expletives I didn’t usually hear falling from his lips. I didn’t fully understand what this meant, but the atmosphere in that room morphed in a heartbeat.
“Tell us,” Christie Baker cried, hands clasped as tears welled in her eyes, “Oh, please tell us!”
Pastor Jon visibly shook, holding a trembling hand outstretched as if to reach us all. “He came to me last night,” a single tear raced past his cheek and made a home on his lip, “He spoke to me.”
“Praise God!” a man cried from next to me, and I shuffled closer to my father at the sudden burst of noise.
“It is… Him,” Pastor Jon uttered in a blissful exhale, sending the room bursting into chaos. Tears, cheers and prayers filled the space, but my father just clutched me tighter and my stomach churned uncomfortably. It took at least ten minutes for the room to quieten, but when it did, he had their rapt attention. “I am told that I will be His vessel. I will pass on what must be passed. We are not to spread the word, yet - only our pocket of civilization is ready. Only ours.”
You could replicate what happened a thousand times, and somebody would mess it up, sending a message of the divine to their great aunt in Auckland. But not us. That secret stayed within the confines of our town for the sixteen days hell shined upwards at us. Everybody had a thousand questions, but Pastor Jon only hushed us. “You must trust me,” he said, tone more regal than I’d ever heard it. And trust him the people did.
So on the second day when he returned to church and his eyes were dark-rimmed, nobody questioned it. He was chosen. Who knows what that does to a person’s sleep cycle? The following day when he went for his morning walk and the smile didn’t quite reach his hollow eyes, that was fine. He was a vessel, not a performer. And then that morning at church when he addressed us and kept rubbing the angry red welts on his wrists, who were we to ask questions of God’s messenger?
Nothing went terribly wrong until the baptisms. We all wanted to be part of this - even my anxious parents who signed me up to be bathed in holy water - and so we queued towards the front of the church, eager to hand ourselves over. I was second in line, right behind Mrs Awkins who had been the school nurse for the last 26 years, apparently. She was gleeful as Pastor Jon set up, speaking rhymes I barely listened to as I bounced on the balls of my feet, eager to go next. My stomach flipped at the words, knowing that my turn was only seconds away. People wouldn’t usually queue, but this was different. It was all different, now.
“I baptize you in the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.”
I didn’t expect the awful fizzing noise the liquid made as it hit Nurse Awkins’ head, nor did I expect the guttural wail that fell from her lips as she clawed at her own scalp. Smoke billowed up from her disappearing tresses and as I was yanked backwards, I caught a glimpse of her exposed skull. Most people will go their entire lives without the smell of burning flesh lingering in their nostrils, but not me.
“I- No! That wasn’t- oh!” Pastor Jon had cried, tired eyes bulging out of his head as people leapt to their feet to assist.
It was carnage, but not carnage I witnessed for long. My mother’s grip on my arm was vice-like, her eyes swimming with terror I know still plagues her to this day. I recall my father on the walk home, murmuring to my mother in low tones I wasn’t meant to hear.
“This isn’t right, Rach’. Jesus, did you see her? That was almost our son!”
My mum’s voice was shrill, the sound of her heels clacking against the pavement not quite masking her voice. “The police will be called - we don’t even know if she’ll survive! I think I’m going to throw up.”
But she was wrong on both counts. She didn’t throw up and the police weren’t called, because we rallied together. This was bigger than us and bigger than Mrs Awkins. Sure, nobody else tried to get baptised, but this was a blip. People surmised that the almighty didn’t want her as part of his flock, that she hadn’t been a believer when it mattered. Nobody was to utter a word about it, and because church was every morning now, my parents were almost too scared not to go. As a child, I didn’t understand it, but all these years later, I think I’d have bent to the fear of the almighty as well.
But it wasn’t the almighty who knocked on the door.
It became all the clearer that morning when Pastor Jon turned up with eyes so sunken and empty that we startled at his presence.
“Pastor.. Pastor, are you feeling alright?” one of our neighbours fussed, “Will you be okay for service?”
Pastor Jon didn’t answer. It was almost as though he didn’t hear her as he dragged his feet up to the front, turning so slowly towards us that it almost felt eerie. A large, jagged and bloodied cut spanned the entire back of his neck, disappearing behind him as he eyed us all, one by one.
“He’s here,” he murmured, words that on paper, should have sent the entire church reeling with joy. But you could hear a pin drop. You could hear any soul whisper in the large room, and yet his utterance only caused goosebumps to spread across my skin as a sort of icy stillness washed over me.
“He’s… here?” a woman in the front row asked, and Pastor Jon took too long to answer. An unnatural, slow smile spread across his face as he tilted his head towards the source of the noise. He didn’t respond, instead slowly lifting his hand to his lips, letting his finger linger there for a moment. When nobody spoke, he let his mouth fall open and began to chew loudly on the finger, drawing gasps from the crowd.
“Don’t look,” my mother shimmied closer to me and lifted a trembling hand to my eyes, but I could see through the cracks in her fingers. Pastor Jon continued to sloppily chew his finger, eventually snapping his head up and inhaling sharply as he spat blood out of his mouth.
“Your bodies are so fragile,” he sneered, lifting his dripping finger to the skies, causing several people to leap from their seats and make a bolt for it. My mother was one of them, and with horror, I watched as the Pastor’s eyes scanned the room and locked onto mine, tilting his head. “Stay,” he hissed with bared, bloody teeth, and we did. Not through choice, but rather, a sickening whoosh of air that skimmed past our faces and forced us all back down.
“What’s going on?” someone shrieked, but we weren’t to know, not really.
Pastor Jon only smiled blissfully, reaching his arms outwards as if to accept us. “I’ve come to bless you all,” he whispered mockingly, fingers outstretched as the sun hit the stained glass to the left of him. But it was all wrong. Sunshine streamed in and as it hit the red of a decorated sunrise, an image which had been there years before us, the colour changed. It was only moments until the church had the appearance of being bathed in blood, shimmering red bouncing off every surface to create the illusion we were all swimming in hell.
Nobody spoke.
Those who didn’t quite make it to the doors stood frozen; we who remained in our seats cowered in the heaviest kind of fear. Red drowned us and we clutched one another, eyeing Pastor Jon as though he were a wild animal. Finally, someone dared speak.
“Where is God?” he murmured, eyes swimming. Pastor Jon’s neck snapped towards him as he licked the blood from his finger, shuddering. When he spoke, his words were cold, distant. As though they were from somewhere else entirely.
“He hasn’t been around for a while.”
There was no time for his words to punch at my stomach, because in no time at all Pastor Jon was crumpled on the floor, wailing as he regarded his chewed, bloody finger. The bone was exposed and yet nobody helped him as he looked at us pleadingly, too many eyes on him as his whimpers turned to whispers. When he spoke, we listened.
“You need to keep coming to church,” he breathed, a single, bloody tear trickling down his cheek, “It will be worse if we don’t.”
So we did.
The Sunday Fair was cancelled, and pies that had been baked to share in sunny gardens went stale and grew mould. People packed duffel bags and made for their cars, arguing fiercely with those who decided to stay. My mother and father disagreed, but their argument was far more muted.
“Please, we have to go,” my father pleaded, shaking his head as I watched from the shadows, “Listen, I don’t know what the fuck that was-”
“I can’t explain it,” her voice was shaken, quiet, “But I know it will be worse if we go. I know it. Please just trust me. Trust Jon.”
So as my father always did, he believed in my mother. Each day in church was torturous, everyone sitting rigid with fear as Pastor Jon read slowly and shakily from the bible, bruises littering his gaunt body. When the holy book in his hands would launch into flames, he’d calmly drop it into the bucket of water he’d prepared and retrieve a new one. One time, every window in the church smashed and we all winced, ducking to avoid the onslaught of glass.
Darkness watched us.
We all felt it, and I know it visited members of the flock in the shadows. I was plagued by it one particularly torturous night as I lay in bed, blanketed in darkness with the covers pulled up to my chin. I hadn’t been able to shake the feeling I was being stared upon, squeezing my eyes shut as laboured, wet breaths left my body. But they weren’t my breaths.
I’d realised it straight away, that my hurried gasps for air didn’t match the gargling, strangled heaving that echoed around my head. From under the covers, I didn’t know much, but I knew one thing - the uncomfortable, heavy presence laying on my legs was my only source of comfort. Through all this, I reasoned, that if my beloved dog was with me, hell itself couldn’t come and claim me.
But I was wrong, because outside, my dog howled into the night.
Terror like that wasn’t something I’d felt before, and as my stomach bottomed out, I stopped breathing altogether. It must have sensed my fear, because those gargling breaths heaved closer and closer to my face as it dragged itself up my body, inch by inch. The smell of rot and ash burned into my nostrils, a horrific weight settling above my nose as my lungs started working again, so quickly that I would surely die then and there. If it had a face, it was twisted and pressed into mine, the thin bedcover my only source of protection.
But I couldn’t scream. I couldn’t move, so I let it pant gravelly air into my face, let it lay on top of me for hour after hour, till the birdsong indicated morning had come. All night I sobbed stifled cries, chest shaking as I squeezed my eyes shut and felt it pressing into me. Felt it hating me, felt it wanting to rip its claws into my stomach and pull out my intestines. But it didn’t. And when I awoke late the next morning - I must have passed out through fear alone - it was gone.
The rest is all a bit of a trauma-soaked blur, to be honest. I know my parents couldn’t understand why I wasn’t speaking the next day, why I barely reacted when evil finally descended that morning at church. The rest of the townsfolk screamed for their lives, ran as fast as they could, but I just stared with a hollow, broken gaze. As the rivers of blood waterfalled down between the pews, I watched Pastor Jon’s eyes grow dark as midnight, empty and soulless as he bellowed inside those four walls and called upon something worse than any of us could likely ever imagine.
I recall the fire starting, remember Pastor Jon’s slack jaw as he regarded us all so horribly, moving jaggedly towards my family with a growing demonic, gleeful grin.
“I remember you from last night,” he’d uttered darkly, but his voice came out in a thousand jarring layers and I could see hell in his eyes.
“Leave us alone!” my father tried to shield us, lifting a crucifix and wielding it towards Pastor Jon as though it would protect us. He simply laughed, an awful noise of horrific dissonance that I still sometimes hear alone in my bed at night. In complete horror, my parents could only watch as this thing wrenched the crucifix from my father’s hand, grinning as his jaw split and shattered each second he opened it impossibly wider. The sound of his bones cracking reverberated as his skin split and his mouth gaped, wide enough to drop the crucifix right into his waiting, blood-soaked mouth and swallow it, right in front of us.
When he met our gaze, his broken jaw hung limply from his face, sad morsels of skin stitching a once-good man together. Whatever blur those hours were, that, I remember.
It was an anti-climax, really, because while I expected him to descend upon us all and rip us into thousands of pieces, he simply boomed his words, jaw still hanging as his evil spoke directly into our souls.
“When I return in 20 years, it is not just your small town that will bleed.”
Pastor Jon has been missing for 20 years. I’m not sure when he started his countdown, but I awoke this morning with a dread so sickening that I’ve barely stopped emptying my stomach. If it’s over and the earth turns to rubble, I hope somebody finds this and can at least piece together why it all came to a sad, premature end. We townsfolk kept our vow of quiet for this long, but there comes a point when silence is deadly.
I think today, Pastor Jon will be found.

(19M, 5'9 155 lbs.) Hi, this is gonna be a bit long, but let me explain the entire situation so far:
Going back about a year or so, I started noticing an elevated heart rate above what I usually would have. I have an apple watch that allows me to check my heart rate, and around this time I started to get notifications that my heart rate was above average (in the 120s to 130s range while resting as opposed to my normal 60-80 range). This happened a few times along with some very minor chest pain / tightness, however after laying down for a few hours / going to bed it would usually return to normal. Around the same time I got diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD and placed on an SSRI to help my anxiety after trying ADHD meds and not liking them. I never really had any incidents with high heart rate after that, so I had assumed it was just anxiety causing it (and that may still be the case). A few months went by and I ended up starting college and got myself a girlfriend. As I ended up finding out, SSRIs, while great, have the unfortunate side effect of erectile dysfunction, so I weaned off my meds so I could prioritize my love life. There were a few incidents after this where my heart rate was above average, but again I just chalked this up to anxiety, as it would usually go away on its own. At one point I went into my on campus doctor's office just to verify my heart was okay after an elevated heart rate the night before, and they gave me an EKG which came up clear. Months go by, and things are fine, besides a slight uptick in anxiety. Unfortunately however, my relationship began to crumble and my anxiety skyrocketed, and we eventually broke up, which led me to talking to my doctor and getting placed back on anxiety medication. However, I really didn't like how SSRI's impacted my libido, so after trying a few more SSRI's I was placed on Buspirone. I love Buspirone, and it's made a noticeable difference on my confidence / reducing anxiety. When I take my full dose at once (30 mg), I tend to get a bit dizzy / nauseous, however when split up into 10 mg taken at breakfast lunch and dinner I have no noticeable side effects. I will say (and I don't know if this is in any way important but I'm just naming everything possible), I have noticed that since stopping the SSRIs and starting Buspirone I tend to ejaculate VERY fast which is abnormal for me, and although I would like to fix that it is not my main concern. Moving on though, after about a month or two after being placed on Buspirone, we get to where my heart problems start. As someone who had never used any substances my entire life, leaving home and going to college gave me the freedom to try new things, and although I know it's not great, on weekends me and my friends will get together and drink or occasionally smoke weed / take an edible. I was worried at first about interactions with my medication, but after some research all anything online could tell me was that I may get drunk faster / more nauseous and dizzy, which wasn't too big of a deal for me. I had tried weed earlier in college and didn't like the way it made me feel, however after being placed on Buspirone I decided to try it again and actually enjoyed the feeling, so I started doing it more on the weekends as opposed to just drinking, which leads us to the incident. Me and some friends had just sat down to watch a movie, and all taken an edible. Time passed, and I started to notice that my heart rate was extremely elevated, way more than I was usually used to. I checked my heart rate, and found that my watch was displaying an average of 160 bpm. At first I thought I was just having a bad high and tried to calm myself. I laid on the floor and put some ice on my forehead, but nothing was helping. I checked my heart rate again and saw that my watch was displaying 190, which really freaked me out as that was way higher than I had ever seen before. I had my sober friend call Public Safety for me, and they came to my dorm room and did a basic check up on me. They said that I had a fever, and when they took my heart rate they got something in the 160s range. Their explanation was that my anxiety, when combined with being high and likely being sick made my heart rate elevated, which made sense at the time. I went into my college's health services to follow up the next day since my heart rate was still elevated (in the 120s-130s range), however they again told me it was probably just anxiety. A few days went by and my heart rate was STILL above average, so I decided to double check with my real doctor off campus. About a day before this I had also stopped taking my medication to see if it could be the cause for my elevated heart rate. The doctors took my vitals and immediately noticed that had very high blood pressure and an elevated heart rate, to the point where they sent in a second doctor to recheck my vitals and make sure it was correct. After talking to me and having me give a run down of my symptoms, they had me schedule an appointment with a cardiologist and told me that if I ever experience chest pain and a heart rate above 100 bpm that wouldn't go down to go to the hospital. I had also told them about how I stopped taking my medication and they told me that that was fine and to tell the cardiologist about it. About a week passes, and I have my cardiologist appointment in a few days. I had been up the night before working on my final exams, so I hadn't gotten much sleep, and besides a breakfast sandwich that I had for lunch I hadn't eaten much either. I had been experiencing chest pain all day, but I assumed it was being caused by my lack of sleep, so after classes I went and took a nap. After a few hours I woke up, and immediately noticed that I still had chest pain. I checked my apple watch, and my heart rate was displaying roughly 90-110 bpm while laying down, which on top of the chest pain made me worried since my doctor had told me that that was cause to go to the hospital. I called my parents to tell them about it, and they drove to the school and had me sit in the car and eat some food they had made to see if it would help at all. However, even after this, my heart rate was still above 100 bpm and I still had chest pain, so my mom made the call to bring me to the hospital. While on the way to the hospital, out of nowhere my heart rate increased to about 170-180 bpm, which freaked me out. We arrived at the hospital, and they immediately gave me an EKG to make sure I wasn't going to drop dead. During this time, I also was shaking a lot and couldn't make myself stop. Eventually they took me into a room and decided to run some tests on me. The tests they did are as follows: BASIC METABOLIC PANEL, CBC WITH DIFF, TROPONIN NH, D DIMER DEEP VEIN THROMB LEVEL, TSH REFLEX, X-RAY CHEST PA AND LATERAL, and ECG-12 LEAD. While I'm not a doctor, from what they told me and from what I can see, everything turned up pretty normal. My potassium was a smidge low, as well as my MCV and MPV, and my Monocyte (absolute) was a tad high, but generally nothing to worry about. The website where I'm viewing my test results display my ECG as abnormal and an attached document says I have left atrial enlargement as well as sinus tachycardia, but they only mentioned sinus tachycardia in the hospital so I assume that it was just the machine reading my test results and giving its own diagnosis. Long story short though, I left the hospital a few hours later, and although I still had a slightly elevated heart rate they said I was fine to go about life normally and to follow up with my cardiologist. Cut to the present, and I just met with my cardiologist a couple days ago. I gave him the general rundown of the above story (but didn't mention the edible as a precursor to the 190 bpm heartrate as my mom was in the next room over and the door was wide open), and after checking my vitals he told me that although I did have an elevated heart rate and high blood pressure, my chest pain probably wasn't a huge concern and that he wasn't too worried it was anything life threatening. He told me I could resume taking my meds (which I had temporarily replaced with ashwagandha supplements while I waited for the appointment and have since stopped taking), and had me wear a little device that monitored my heart rate for 24 hours, which I'm set to return in a couple days. He also told me that when I returned it he would check my results and give me an echocardiogram and go from there. So, with any luck, he should be able to figure things out then. However, I wanted to post this to see if anyone could help me get any ideas on what it could be that I could run by him to help speed things up. Oh and one last thing, if you can't think of anything in regards to what could be causing my elevated heart rate, I actually would like to know why I'm ejaculating so fast so I can fix it because its gotten to the point where I can't even enjoy masturbating because of how fast I cum.
In case I missed anything, here's a list of my symptoms (although I have no idea if they're all correlated):
- High heart rate (anywhere from 90-190 bpm)
- High blood pressure
- Chest pain / tightness on my left side and does not hurt more when I breath in / out (every now and then pain extends to my neck and shoulder)
- Frequently tired
- Insomnia (could be correlated with the above symptom lol)
- Get out of breath faster than usual
- Anxiety (already had this though)
- Mild depression (probably from my breakup)
- Lack of motivation (probably from my ADHD)
- Very rare and random spasms in my neck
- About 10 pounds weight loss in the past few months
- Headaches (could be from the meds)
- Sexual Dysfunction
- Minor rash under my eyes that’s been coming / going
- Eczema / rash flare ups past few months above my eyes, on my inner elbows, on my hands, and on my neck that I’ve been able to get rid of with a steroid cream
- Wrists, elbows, knees and ankles (although many joints in general) tend to bother me / crack a lot
- Glands under my neck are frequently swollen
- Rashes on the tops of my feet and toes
- Multiple gray / white hairs appearing in the last few months
- Probably something minor that I'm forgetting but if I can't think of it it probably isn't important (will update this list if new symptoms arise)
Brief family history:
- Grandma (moms side) has rheumatoid arthritis - Grandma (dads side) had multiple sclerosis - Great Grandma (moms side) had Alzheimer's - Aunt (moms side) has an undiagnosed heart problem - Aunt (moms side) has rheumatoid arthritis and Reynaud's, inconclusive testing for lupus - Aunt (dads side) has something? something to do with swelling of feet and ankles? not too sure - Mom had anemia
​
My personal theories (I'm not a doctor though so obviously not too sure): Autoimmune Disease + Dysautonomia: - From a list of symptoms, I have experienced all of the following at some point over the last month: Lightheaded when standing up, nausea, brain fog, fast heart rate, high blood pressure, changes in bowel movements over the course of the past few months (both constipation and diarrhea), fatigue, sexual dysfunction, chest pain and discomfort, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, sleeping problems, dizziness, sweating a lot, watery eyes, frequent headaches, changes in body temperature, drooling (when I sleep), mood swings, anxiety, and sensitivity to light. Based on this a potential theory could be an autoimmune disorder on top of a heart condition? Also explains the elevated monocyte (absolute) levels. Serotonin Syndrome: - I was doing research and discovered that Buspirone, when taken with other medication that increases serotonin, can cause serotonin syndrome. After another google search, I found out that weed can increase serotonin levels. The only hole in this theory is that I stopped taking Buspirone after the initial spike in heart rate / blood pressure but had no noticeable changes.
TLDR: I have a high heart rate and blood pressure and can't figure out why

They got breakfast at a fast food chain none of them had ever heard of; it was pretty good. Mike had a weird little egg, bacon, cheese, and tomato sandwich on a sweetish roll; it was maybe a seven out of 10.
Once they got back on the road, Mike slumped in the middle row of the van, as usual. Jenna was driving this morning, while the lazy freak tried to nap in the passenger's seat. This seemed to Mike like an excellent time to "get his kicks," so to speak, and so for a half-hour as they drove, he nudged and kicked and generally jostled the freak's seat.
Finally, just as they were approaching a rest area, the thing in the passenger's seat grumbled and sat up straighter.
"Babe, can you pull in here a sec?"
"You got it," Jenna said.
Once they were pulled in and the vehicle stopped, the freak turned slightly in the seat and looked at Mike, who was still kicking.
"Do we have a problem?"
Oooh, the thing was mad. Poor stupid freak. Mike kept looking at his phone, pretending not to hear and still nudging the seat. No way he was gonna let some testosterone-destroyed woman intimidate him. Stupid bitch.
At least, that was how he felt until, with wild suddenness, the thing turned back around, then slammed out of the van and ripped open the door closest to Mike.
"I said, do we have a problem?"
"I... What?" Mike said lamely.
"Do we have a problem, you sad little chuckle-fuck? 'Cause all I've been is kind and considerate of you this whole trip, and all you've done is be obstinate and rude and whiny, and then you kick the back of my seat any time I'm in front of you and I'm fucking done."
Mike whipped his head around to look at Jenna, hoping she would defend him, would call off the attack-tranny. But Jenna sat calmly at the wheel, looking through her phone like nothing was going on.
"Look, I..." Mike began.
"No. I know what you think about me, and I know how you talk about me when I'm not around because, believe it or not, wives and husbands talk about shit that bothers them, and your sister, my wife, is hella bothered by the shit you say about me when it's just you and her. Oh, and we know all about the dumbass internet stuff too, thanks to your parents. Hell, half the reason they're sending you to your uncle is so maybe he can talk some sense into you."
"That's not... Mom and Dad are having problems, but they're too selfish to also protect me, their child..."
"Sending you away for a year is to protect you!"
"The hell it is! If they wanted me safe, they wouldn't send me off with some tranny fuck that'll probably try to rape my ass and..."
That actually made the freak back off a step, and Mike heard Jenna make a choked little sound of surprise from the front seat.
"You... You fucking little pile of shit," the freak muttered.
"Look, leave me alone, or I'll call Mom anf Dad and say..."
"Oh, you wanna call your folks? Go ahead. Meanwhile, Jenna and I will call them too, and tell them that your stupid bullshit has only gotten worse. Then we'll call your Uncle Ken and have him drive out here to meet us and pick you up to take you back to his place himself."
"Maybe that would be better," Mike said, trying to contain his outrage that this thing thought it could talk to him like this.
"Well fuck, guess we'll do it then. Hell, your uncle already offered to drive almost across the damn country to pick you up himself anyway, but Jenna said we could handle it, since we were headed out here. But now... Hey, Jen, guess you better get Ken on the phone, tell him to come pick up this little fucker."
"DON'T CALL ME NAMES, YOU TRANNY BITCH!"
"Oh, you think I've called you names? How about all the shit you call me, fucker? Tranny, freak, groomer, bitch. Of course, that last one you don't just reserve for me; you talk about women that way too, when you're not calling them cunts, or whores, or worthless cocksleeves..."
"How'd you know that?" Mike cut in.
"Because the cops are looking at some of those damn message boards you're on, fucker! Because they talked to your parents and showed them posts you made on the same thread where some loser incel was planning to shoot up a damn kindergarten! They talked to your parents and your parents warned us because of how you talk about me and about your own sister!"
"Listen, you sick fuck..."
"No, you listen! You might think of me as a woman, and inherently worthless, but that can't phase me, because I already dealt with all that shit for the first 16 years of my life. If you wanna prove you're a big, strong alpha, then you can step out here and face me like a damn man and we'll see who wins. I been in plenty of fights, always to defend myself, and I've only been beaten once, so if you wanna try it..."
"Hey look man..."
"Whatsa matter? The big strong man afraid? Aw, poor little baby afwaid of the twanny? Fuck you, bro. Seriously. Fuck your damn bullshit, and fuck whoever taught you that's how to be."
"I didn't... I never meant..."
"I don't need this stress, even if I can handle it, and your poor sister sure as fuck doesn't need it right now either!"
"Frank..." Jenna hissed.
"I'm sorry, babe. I'm real sorry, but maybe somehow it'll get through this little fucker's thick skull that he's an asshole if he knows a few facts."
Now Frank leaned in and almost got in Mike's face.
"You cannot get to me with your dumb thoughts and your slurs and your juvenile bullshit. Anything you can say or do is nothing compared to what I've already been through. When I was your age, my dad tired to beat me to death for being trans, and then he tried some shit some of your little friends online talk about wanting to do to women. I got lucky and someone called for help. "You can never hurt me as much as that asshole, may he burn in Hell, did. But if you keep on with your heinous shit, and you keep stressing your sister out like you have been, and she loses our baby because of it, then I hate to think of the torment waiting for you if there's a life beyond this one."
Mike jerked his head around and looked at Jenna.
"You're knocked up?"
"Well, I mean, I'm pregnant," she corrected him.
"She's pregnant with our baby," Frank said, "and if anything happens to her, or to the baby because you're a little fucker..."
"Dude, I'm sorry! I... I didn't know! I didn't mean..."
"What you meant or didn't mean doesn't matter. You've said stuff that lets me know you want me dead just for existing. I don't even care about that; plenty of people who don't even know me want me dead for existing. But you've also said things that imply you could be a danger to your sister, and since she's my wife, that means you've crossed me. My main drive in life right now is to protect my wife and family. Technically, you're part of my family, but if I have to, I will pull you out of this van and leave you here to wait for your uncle."
"I... Look, man, I'm sorry, okay? It was just goofing around on the internet, okay? I... I'd never really hurt someone or..."
"Really? 'Cause from what the cops showed your folks, you're sure at least cheering on other assholes who wanna hurt a lot of people."
"I was just talking! I was... It's how people talk online."
"Not anywhere I hang out."
Then Frank stepped back again and slid the door closed. Jenna had hopped out of the van as well, and Mike watched her cross around in front and meet Frank. They hugged, and kissed in a really sweet, short way, not all weird and tonguey like in movies and shit. Then they stood there talking a while, and Jenna pulled her phone back out as she slipped past Frank and got into the seat he had previously occupied.
"Jenna, I... I'm really sorry," Mike said. "If I knew you were pregnant..."
"Be nice if you could be a good person for reasons besides me fulfilling what I'm sure you think is my soul purpose in life," Jenna sighed.
Meanwhile, Frank had gotten behind the wheel of the van again.
"There's a cheap campground maybe eight hours away," Jenna told him. "Looks like they have slots open. I can book us a few days right now."
"Sounds real good, sweetheart. You okay?"
"I'm perfectly okay. You?"
"I'm good. I'm good. You all right back there, Michael?"
"Y-yes, sir."
"Cool-cool. Well. Let's get goin' again."
4 Table of Contents

Hello! I’m 21 years old male and a 3rd year nursing student. Lately, I’ve been so tempted to buy a 2nd hand car worth 600k (Mazda 3 2018 1.5L). I have a 1.9m to my name (won’t disclose how but dw, it’s clean money), I have no job or any sideline that generates income. I also don’t have parents (this is a hint why I have the figure above) and I live alone on a fully paid house, only paying the utilities and daily food. I also have 30k limit scholarship per semester. And an older sister abroad but I don’t ask for any financial help since I can sustain myself.
I know buying a car is such a bad financial decision, in relation to my situation. But I just want to know what would my life could look like if I buy that car right now. I just want you all to be brutally honest to me para matakot ako (or not) sa possible na financial move na gagawin ko HAHA!

You ma'am were my everything, from the moment I first saw you walking to my tow truck. I was in aww of you in that moment I was so hooked I can't explain it in any other way. I just needed to get to know the real you. Looking back I wish I could have slowed everything down a lot because we moved so fast. Opened the door for you and got you up into the truck. At first she was impressed I even would do that for her. She said it made her feel special and no one had ever done that for her. As I walked back to my door to get in time for me started to slow as I thought about a million things at once I was so drawn to her wanted everything for her and me to be amazing and guys, it really was great from my seat. She's absolutely gorgeous, sweet yet she's a pretty bad ass chick though. She's into heavy metal and rock over anything. She's my only ginger I've ever dated in my life. She's so beautiful, selfless when she knows u need something she is the first one to get it for you and she's an amazing cook, So incredibly sexy, and no matter what she broken and all was the only woman that I ever bought a real ring for wherever would and that red hair gets me now every time I find one around in my truck or my house. She loves to play with it as her nervous habit I used to say she was marking her territory jokingly but I loved watching her do it I love watching her play with it It was awesome to just be able to look over at her and see her sitting there was the greatest feeling in my life next to having my children and watching them be born. Seeing her smile was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen in my life That's what I lived for I lived for being silly with her and joking around and just having a good fucking time and spending that time with her no matter how much it was. I loved it always. Even when we fought I didn't ever stop loving her I did never stop caring about her obviously I was in it for us. Call me a wuss whatever you want I don't care I honestly have a thing with other people's hair it grosses me out when it is off the body so I'd have these piles of hair is have to immediately get out of the floor of my work truck when id open it for her to get her out of the truck lol it grossed me out but I didn't really care it was more funny that she was nervous cus we were so chill together. I quickly fell for this girl front the start and she was exactly what I said in the title. She's always going to be my blue little sundress passenger seat princess, the only women I've ever actually seen, planned, or dreamed of a future with and I've had longer relationship with kids even. But she has two sweet little girls that are amazing as well and I have become attatched to them as well throughout this 3 years. Especially because when her and I first met and went on our date I knew already that she was a mom of two but I hadn't met either one of them yet. Days after she was still with me and we spent every waking moment together in that truck. And we had a great time It just felt right. After that weekend was over we went to pick up her 3-month-old daughter. We had to go to the next town over and get her from her dad's house. As I got this little girl up into my truck put her car seat in the back of the tow truck I did what any normal person would do when meeting a baby for the first time. Started talking to her just to see her reaction to me. She was so sweet and so damn cute. She smiled so beautifully and was just so amazing it brought back all the memories for me having my kids. And that one really just cemented in the fact that I wanted to do this so much for my girl and I and for these kids cuz they were amazing. I spent my days just working away. Most the time with her by my side. There was times where yes we were not together 100% there's things she had to go do. Which was fine That's what we needed some time apart to miss each other cuz we did spend a lot of time together but honestly As long as we were there in my truck we were amazing together just hanging out while I was working spending time together and she said she loved watching me work. She loved how manly I smelled after and during a days work. Everything was great. So before her and I met I was always working and keeping to myself just trying to focus on myself but I lived in a hotel. So since her and I got hooked up together, we lived in my hotel which was not bad at all it was a fairly big hotel that offered reduced rates for long extended stays and they offered me a corporate discount. So it was fairly inexpensive as far as paying for the place but it was still extremely expensive compared to renting someplace. But it was by my own money because she had no income no job that I paid for everything. Literally everything. So as I worked 7 days a week and worked from time outta bed in the morning until well after midnight. I had no time to find our own place for cheaper living to start new direction for us. So she started searching for our own place to rent. Let's say we got distracted from that because of this damn drama that seemed to always be happening with her life. I'd always listen to what was going on with her and try to help. It's what I do in my everyday life I jump out of a truck when people are at their worst and it makes me feel a sense of joy because I get to get out of the damn truck like Superman get over to them and calm their life down a little bit slow it down for them when they're in their worst moments of the day and just take that weight off their shoulders. I get that fulfillment for my life that joy and it drives me to keep going That's the only reason I push through my days. I lived for it, soon after meeting her she became a big part of that meaning for me so much so I never even realized that it would end up costing me my career because I just couldn't do it anymore getting in that truck And as I open the door I see her there in the passenger seat with a flooded memory that comes rushing in and I get happy really quick like it's all real again and as soon as I sit down take my guys off that seat I look back over when it close the door cuz I'd always smile back at her when I got in the truck and she's not there and it breaks my heart every single time I experienced this so imagine getting in and out of that truck every day all day long and having to do that. I've been such an emotional wreck now that I literally had to go to my boss and quit my job because I couldn't safely do it and this was the job ladies and gentlemen that I prayed for at the end of our relationship I wasn't working hadn't been working for a few months because I just found out that I got cancer in my throat. So I got depressed I didn't know how to tell her my mom anybody being only 37 years old that I'm not going to be here that long Not as long as I thought so it started to destroy me and by this time in our relationship two and a half years in we had had several moves several little breakups but we'd always come back together and we always seemed great afterwards but then it always seemed like something would come up or she would lie or do something that I didn't like or that I wasn't approving of and every time I tried to talk to her about it she would just blow up at me and yeah there was lots of red flags I missed her out of a relationship I wish I could have done so many things different but stress and being what it is and everything you know I let my emotions get the best of me I let my my everything get the best of me every single time because as soon as she starts yelling it makes me louder and I just don't see anybody giving me that kind of a disrespectful stance especially when I'm trying to be calm I'm trying to just talk to them about it and then they blow up and makes me want to blow up right back So yeah my mistake but are honestly feel like it was just to cause me to do that so she could break up or we can break up and she can run away for a couple days and go get what she needed somewhere else and then come right back. That's what I feel like now. Don't know if it was all lie from delusional or what but everything I've read on here it all speaks to me so much that I honestly I really feel like I was lied to the entire time I was made to believe something that was never true This girl told me she loved me like 3 months in and I honestly felt it before that but I really think it was all just a facade now for her We found each other and we were broken pieces everywhere we started putting our lives together picking everything up putting ourselves back together and we felt more complete than anything is the way I saw our lives up until a year and a half into it though it was for me even with the little small breakups and stuff it was amazing It wouldn't trade it for the world soon as I found out I had cancer though guys It broke me I wasn't working I wasn't doing anything for myself and yeah that I regret I regret not just telling her right away because looking back now it may have helped but I doubt she would even cared She probably would have broke up with me then is how I feel now. But I never told her until almost 3 weeks after we broke up. The 17th of this month was my birthday my 38th birthday The day after is her 3-year-olds 3-year birthday. Which I didn't get to go to even though that little girl calls me dada loves me like there's no tomorrow and I love that little girl so so much she was like she was my daughter shortly after I found out I had cancer I was taking care of that little girl not working but taking care of her all day everyday for months in my house with her living here and my girlfriend living here while she worked. Then she's sitting here telling me griping at me that I need to get back working by about she can't be the only one working but then if I did that we wouldn't had a babysitter We would have nowhere for "Our daughter" She always insisted when I would say her daughter because she has a lot of hateful feelings towards her baby daddy. The other thing I forgot to mention is the fact that about 2 years into our relationship she went through a pretty major surgery for herself No one was there for her except for me I sat with her through the whole thing waited for her at the hospital I waited on her hand and foot at my place of living She laid in my bed took care of her gave her everything she needed and would do it again in a heartbeat The point is that I was there stood by her side took care of her in every way I needed to every way I could. In the first part of our relationship all the way through I'd say the first half She was always constantly wondering if I had eaten today or if I needed food or if I wanted her to cook me anything or I mean would she selflessly would do every single time she was happy to do it She loved doing it She loved being at the hotel and me coming home to a cooked meal how she would do it in her bra and underwear because just for shits and giggles you know She was the most sexually appetizing person I've been in with in my entire life number one and from day one of our relationship I never saw any other female on this planet My eyes never strayed not once they only saw her She was my everything. Fellas tell me when you fell in love If you ever felt the same because I know for me there was another woman on this planet that could ever even have compared to my woman she was so sexy so incredibly just mesmerizing for me and having her in my arms I felt complete I felt like a man I felt like I would move to heaven and earth for this woman and I was trying doing everything I could and it always just seemed like our little stupid spats and our bickering was so much more to her than it was to me because she would always end up leaving and going to her sisters. Her sister was and is so incredibly damaging for her mental state that I'm surprised that this woman has not killed herself yet She has no movement in her own life she's a stay-at-home girlfriend for her boyfriend of 16 15 16 years something like that and she is about a cow about 300 lb heifer that has always been jealous of anything the little sister gets that makes her happy that makes her have a better life than what big sister has then big sister has to sit there and destroy little sisters mental state just to bring her back down so she can feel good about her own self So anytime she ever went back there that's exactly what happened Big sister would just tear her down and break her down and it's just sick and that's where I think first mistake for us ever went was allowing her to move in there because as soon as she did seem like everything started going downhill and that's when I started finding things out about how much she was actually lying to me about stupid silly little things because her brother in-law and sister would talk to her about our relationship at night when they're all home together or whenever and they'd be giving her advice when these two are alcoholics they will not ever get married even though they've been together forever but this is just to not lose social security crap it's ridiculous there's a real fear of commitment between the two and a lot of damage between the two and it just fed right into my woman's head and I'm really truly believe it loud it her to be severely poisoned cuz she started turning into a completely different person but yet I still loved her like the day I first met her I still looked at her exactly the same I still do to this day even though she won't have anything to do with me for whatever reason I don't know I never got a reason but after everything we've been through I honestly felt like every time she made me promise never to leave her every time she made me the promise that she would never leave me no matter what blah blah blah I feel like it was all just a game to her now and a game to her family because my woman was the child that was traded off when things got too stressful for Mom she was the kid that was sent to the hospital to you know being the mental ward because it was just too tough for Mom to cope with having two kids and being as destroyed of a person as she is So of course that's led to a lot of emotional damages for my woman and for that entire family It's led to alcoholism and the other side of the family with her sister and her mom being best friends they hang out all day long and it's about the worst family situation you could think of but sadly she will still choose her family over anybody at the end of the day even though they don't choose her like that It breaks my heart to watch honestly the best thing she could do is cut them off from her life but there is a lot of times that she needed them there because she had no other option is what she felt instead of when we fought going there honestly alsoever wanted her to do is just calm down and instead of leaving stay here choose me over that bullshit fight choose me over the fucking nonsense of everything because at the end of the day none of it mattered to me I always forgave her for everything not because I wanted to be the doormat or because I allowed myself to be the doormat but because when I grew up I grew up in a Christian family That's what we do if we fight we work shit through I may not be the best Christian in the world but I know the values that I have in my family were not the same as hers they traded her off when times got tough they never showed her unconditional love so she doesn't even know how to unconditionally love her own children and it's really sad cuz honestly to this day I feel like that little girl would choose me over her own mother and that breaks my heart for her. I realize I've been rambling on for a while now but this one really doesn't sit right with me guys I've never had any issues with any breakup since this one and I know the mental state she was in when she made it and made this choice but the way she did it just recently after having promised her yet again and her promising me that we would never leave each other and to always fight for the relationship. She comes over about a 3 weeks ago we have sex been seen each other in a few days few days prior to that we went and took "our daughter" to her dentist appointment she had to be knocked out at and did great through who'd she want afterwards after she woke up me Not her mom just me to comfort her. So being the dad that I am of course I did that I gave her the comfort she needed we had a great day together but it was short-lived. My girl's been in such a bad spot mentally but she refused to talk to me about it I could never get her to open up and yes I did a lot of things wrong because I was always trying to fix her or trying to help her through it is how I see it She saw it as me trying to fix her and she said I don't need to be fixed. But I know I didn't see it that way and that may have been my mistake because she wasn't looking for advice or whatever on how to try to help her through it but she just wanted somebody to listen to her which I did I can repeat everything she's ever told me about an issue word for word I can almost predict in my head I can sit there and say okay what's she going to say. And then I can literally as she's saying it out loud I can pretty well determine already know what she's going to say while listening though just to make sure I don't miss anything It ends up being the same thing every time and it's always all about her family's issues and things going on between them. It's been this way for the last year and a half probably since she moved in there now just before this breakup she had been for a couple months looking for place for us to go cuz I want out of where I'm at now and she obviously wanted out of there and so she was supposedly looking for it for a place to go That was ours because I got a new job I sat here and prayed for a new job that I had applied for and they just weren't moving fast enough or something I guess because like 4 days before she broke up with me they called and I started working I was so happy I got back in that truck I was doing it for her for us for me for those girls everything was going the way I had invisioned it going. Then like I said two days go by she came over spend some time together We had a little quickie and then we went to her appointment with the psych doctor couple days later she breaks up with me This is how I wake up the next morning after being at work all night long in my tow truck to a text message and I'm blocked on everything every single social media outlet every everything that we had together online I'm just blocked. Knowing the mental state she was in I was like what the hell is going on now I got a short text message that said something like I can't do this anymore This is after going through her girl parts being taken out being with her the entire time waiting on her hand and foot this is after saving her daughter because her drunk ass sister drove home from their mothers house while watching the like 5-month-old baby at the time and ran the car into the fucking house in the middle of the night and we were both working shoot while she was watching her That's why she was watching her So of course I get a phone call she can't leave work and she's freaking out because her daughter was just in the car that just slammed into the house and did thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars worth of damage So what happens This guy goes and rescues the child and keeps the child with him the entire rest of my work night until mom gets off work there's lots of reasons that this woman has loved me completely and tried so hard and there's lots of reasons why I've loved her as completely as I could and tried so hard and tried getting back on track now I used her in those kids and myself to get me back to a point where I could even start to function again after finding out I had cancer and not knowing how to tell her or anybody and what hurts the most is the fact that she just gave up and just blindsided me with all of this if I feel like and it kills me but this is what I had to do because of her putting all her walls up and just stonewalling me with everything and knowing the fact that even on her Facebook she chose to not put family photos of us for up there but to put every other photo of that entire time together on there even ones that she had taken separately with just her and her girls making it look like nobody else was there the entire time She just failed to include the you know few pictures she took all of us. Which are now deleted off her phone obviously cuz she deleted everything of us together She always does that She always does it just deletes them because she never had any good memories as a child so she has an inability to just keep that stuff because it's painful to her now for some reason even if it was a happy memory She doesn't like those happy memories cuz those are painful that they're not going to happen anymore so she just erases everything and gets rid of it because it's easier for her while I'm not that type of person I'm a sentimental person I keep everything So of course when she goes gets her mind off track whatever I start to be sweet and send her you know our pictures together and things because I know she's already done deleted them which gets her nine times out of 10 and gets her right back to where she needs to be and realizing that I'm there for her that I I want her I choose her and I choose to do this together well not this time She completely stonewalled me wouldn't even respond to me for days and it was literally out of the blue So I'm freaking out because I'm thinking she's going to go hurt herself which she's tried to do a few times and she just reapped on all her medication the last time she tried to hurt herself that's what had happened She took all of her medication and thank God nothing happened but now she had you know six new bottles of pills which would have done it so I was scared for her life honestly. So I was literally just freaking out day after day night after night and all while having to work at night now with this new job in the truck that I was freaking out because I couldn't see her in my passenger seat anymore and then I was seeing her and then I was worrying about her and I was concentrating more on her than I was even able to do my job like I said I had to give it up even though I sat there and prayed for her prayed for myself to pray to get the job and it was literally a blessing because they created the position for me they didn't need to fill a position they created it for me I've been doing this job for well over 10 years of my career and I'm damn good at it Just not right now and so for the last month after everything that I found out everything that it's been said This is what I had to do guys and I I can't regret it I can't feel any type of way about it but I've been pushing and pushing and pushing on purpose because I know she's not coming back no matter what That's the way she feels but once I stop trying to fight for the relationship to fight for her and fight for those kids I know she's going to start to feel the feelings of losing me and it's going to start getting into her head so I knew if I stopped talking to her that's what would happen and she would try to slide right back into my life a month later whenever however it would happen she would come back eventually and I'm not going to be in a new place in my life where I would allow her to do that I can't So what I did was I pushed on purpose not only because she made me promise to do it but because I knew it's what needed to happen because I needed my mental state to be better and it's not right now I'm a wreck right now because of this woman because of losing this woman cuz I honestly felt like she's the one person on this planet that I would never let go. So my life is just turned into a fucking wreck on a wreck on a wreck because of her vindictive nature her mean-spirited bullshit when she gets mad She doesn't not have a filter so she uses her daughter against me how's it feel no that you'll never see "her daughter" ever again trying to dig into my heart and just cause more pain This is the type of stuff she would say to me That would just break me down to nothing. I've literally been in tears since the breakup and before that because I I think I kind of knew it was coming but I was just so depressed that I couldn't do anything I would cry every night even a month before we were broken up I would cry every night just cuz I missed her I missed her being next to me but that was her own fault that was her own doing She lied put words in my roommate's mouth that were never there and she couldn't apologize She could not be an adult and apologize to him and then it would have been fine She would have been a loud back at the house She would been able to come see me but she just is not the adult that I thought she was or that she used to be before when we first got together and and I don't understand what happened I can't see where it all just went so terribly wrong except for her moving in with her family. It has been the greatest experience of my life loving this woman but at the same time in the end it has been so destructive so I had to make sure that she would never come back So for the last month I've been pestering her coming at her yelling at her calling her all these names in the book and just destroying anything she ever had for me because I won't let her back into my life I can't cuz I know if I do it will be the death of me so I'm choosing me over the love of my life. The woman that I have lived for for this past three fucking years of my life given everything to worked my ass off so I could fucking just keep going the next day to provide what I could for us as a family mind you have paid for everything every waking moment for the first year and a half of our lives because she didn't have a job She didn't work so I paid for everything and that's everything we needed for the baby as well. That couldn't get bought with food stamps. Literally drained every bit of funds that I had saved up everything Just took me for a rollercoaster ride through hell but I chose me I choose me now And hopefully the apartment that she was finding for us the one that she supposedly went to Once she supposedly is at now I hope her I wish her all the best but I had to sit here and destroy any chances of ever being with the woman that I still to this day want because I know she comes back crawling back I knew that I would take her back in a heartbeat and I just can't do it so I had to get it done and over with for me for her for everybody because I won't be hurt like that I won't be disrespected like that I won't be turned into a monster because she tears me down with her hateful little remarks and digs into my heart that are totally unnecessary when I'm being everything I can try to be and be sweet for her She literally anytime I would try to be sweet would turn it into something it's not telling me I'm manipulating her telling me I'm doing this I'm doing that well okay so that's what I'll do That's what I thought and that's exactly what I did If I'm the monster let me know cuz I feel like it honestly but I know it's for the best. To my little blue sundress princess, the love of my life I'm Sorry I had to do what I did sweetheart I'll always love you no matter what babe Just can't have you walk back into my life and and destroy everything that I build from here on out because I'll end up killing myself and I don't want that to happen so this is goodbye even though I know you'll never read this. Just know that I see you everywhere in every place I go there's memories that fled back to me everyday that are amazing or that are bad or that are just that their memories they will fade eventually hopefully but for now they are still too real for me to just forget like seems like you want to do by going out there and supposedly live in your best life faking it just to make it for the rest of the world being that strong independent woman with that attitude exactly even though I know you're sad inside I know you just buried those feelings All the love you had for me and you're lying to yourself but that's on you now I tried I really really tried to get you to understand that that's where we were headed was the life we wanted so sorry I asked you to choose me and love me for me instead of love me for what I had or didn't have. I'm sorry I needed to do this or even felt like I needed to do this cuz I will always love you no matter what, But now my life is going to be for me and for me only for its remainder because you gave up the fight and I ended it.

Hey everyone, I hope you're doing good.
I'm feeling lost and need some outside perspective (aside from my friends/family). I '23F' am not sure if I should stay with my boyfriend '28M'. We've been together for nearly three years (in july), and he's my first boyfriend, and my first love. At the beginning, our relationship was just sex, but a month and half in he said i love you. I didn't say it immediately because i didn't feel that way, but reciprocated a few weeks later. He also lived with me for three months at the beginning of our relationship while looking for an apartment. Throughout our relationship, he has been a great moral support. I suffer from chronic depression and anxiety, and he has helped a great deal, and for that i'll always be grateful. He himself has a lot of childhood trauma, like a lot, but he doesn't go to therapy, although i've repeatedly told him that he should. Our relationship mostly took place in my apartment, we would order in, watch movies and talk all the time. It was great, but i've wanted more. I want dates, and to be wooed and i want grand gestures of romance. I told him. But he always used the excuse of being a college student and not having money (he was getting his masters degree). In three years, we've gone to the restaurant less than 10 times, he gifted me a single rose after i've pestered him repeatedly, and he only cooked once for me (i cook all the time). Of course i don't expect him to read my mind and i ask him for these things. Last year he got a job as a high school teacher, and i was starting my masters in a different city, so our relationship became long distance. When i had to move (twice), he didn't help with a single suitcase. I still hold a grudge for that. This year, what with the moving, the masters in a new city, and the cancer (i had thyroid cancer), was very hard for me. But i felt like i really grew. When he used to come visit, he spoiled me, as in took me to the restaurant and bought me food, but any gift he gave was because i asked (namely a ring i liked). This week, i decided to go back to the city where we met, where he still lives, as do my best friends. I told him on friday that i would be arriving the next monday. Monday come, no texts. Same for Tuesday and Wednesday. He only checks on me Wednesday evening. According to him, he was waiting for me to text him to say i had arrived, and he didn't want to bother me because i had work (i did have work but i always made time for him). This actually is in continuity with other instances where he made me feel like i didn't matter. The first year of our relationship, i went to suprise him at his house. He had never invited me (8 months in) and i had had it, so i went to suprise him. He didn't invite me in. He didn't even let me upstairs. This is just one of many examples, aside from the no help when moving. I'm feeling extremely lost. I know i love him, and he loves me, but i'm not sure i want to stay in this relationship. How would you assess this situation, what would you do if you were in my shoes ?
TLDR : boyfriend acts like a shithead sometimes, i love him but i'm not sure about our relationship anymore

AITA for asking my boss for 20$
I (f20) work at a restaurant as a waitress. Today I was scheduled as a food runner (I bring food out so the waitresses can take more tables). Because of this, at the end of my shift I get 20$ from each waitress. This means that coming into my shift I knew I was going to make 100$ today (because there was 5 waitress scheduled).
As a responsible adult (that doesn’t want to get in trouble with her boss) I always write down in my notepad who paid me as they pay me. (Since not everyone finishes their shift at the same time as me, they pay me as they leave to go home.) I am the only food runner person to do this at this restaurant. The owner usually runs the food and she doesn’t write down this information.
At the end of my shift I counted my money and realized someone didn’t pay me yet, so I checked to see who it was (with the help of my notepad list) and it was my manager. So I head over to them and ask if they can pay me before I leave (I always find this awkward). And they laughed and said that they already paid me. I was confused and honestly thought they were joking at first. I showed them that I was missing money and that they’re name was the only one missing from my list. But they kept insisting they had paid me.
I would like to note that my manager doesn’t seem like the type of person who would purposely not pay me. But you never know.
I stayed 30 minutes after my shift waiting on messages from the other staff members to double check they actually paid me (all of which said they did) and trying to find a 20$ that could have been miss placed. I got no results and went home.
After arriving home, I sent a message to my boss explaining the situation and asking what to do. After some back and forth they said they would check the security cameras. (Boss said that they were not responsible for this « mistake » and if they can’t figure out who didn’t pay me, I wasn’t getting my 20$)
I don’t want to get into trouble with my manager but I also need this money because I am a broke university student.
WIBTA for asking my boss for my 20$? And what should I do now?
Edit: the next day my boss told me that it shouldn’t be her responsibility to check the cameras (note: nobody else can check the cameras except for them.) and no one has confessed about not paying me. I don’t think I am getting my money.

Hi everyone ! Hoping someone will be able to point me in the right direction here.
So we have a neutered male (3yrs). A few weeks ago my partner brought home a stray cat and our resident cat was very curious and even playful. He didn’t hiss or growl. Once we found the stray cats owner and had to hand her back, we thought it would be nice to get him a friend on the basis that he seemed okay with the stray. The stray was an adult.
We brought home a female kitten yesterday (7 wks). We have separate rooms for them and brought her in without him seeing. We did make a small mistake after and came out of the room and held her in our arms and let them meet face to face which resulted in resident cat growling/ hissing so took a step back and separated them. He started hissing/growling at her from the other side of the door.
Eventually the hissing/growling stopped. So we tried again with scent swapping. After scent swapping which went well so we put his food bowl outside her door and they ate close by.
On day 2, again scent swapping was fine, meals were fine. So we put her in our shower with the glass door closed ( we have a small house and it’s all we can do visually without contact) and he hissed and growled. But eventually stopped but then he did jump at the glass door. Kitty was unphased, making biscuits, meowing and wanting to play even while the growling and jumping happened
Again we went back a few steps and once he was okay with the initial steps we went into the main room and held her in our arms and he was fine he didn’t care. They both slept. But we put her on the floor at one stage and he went into a crouched posture, pupils dilated and stalked her so we picked her up and put her away. He does growl still and I’m not sure what to do. Is the hunting/ stalking a bad sign? Is the jumping at the shower door a bad sign?
When I play with him he does all those things so it might just be how he plays but my fear is that she is so tiny he might hurt her. Also the growling .. I know it’s only day 2 but we had such high hopes after the stray.

I have a male cat, ginger and white, 4 years old neutered. He started acting strange 2 months ago, going under the bed and crying. He has always been an anxious boy, so I assumed he was just more stressed than normal. This continued for 2 weeks, and when looking up his symptoms I realised it could be quite serious so took him to the vets that day. I felt awful waiting so long to take him in, realising this. Anyway, we get to the vets and they agree that it is anxiety. They give me some anti-inflammatory medicine, and suggest me making some changes to my house. I will admit it took me a bit of time to make the changes because on the medicine he seemed his usual self, and that put me into a false sense that he would be alright. He took it for 2 weeks, then was 'fine' for a week, then began to have issues again.
Since his first vet trip I had been leaving music on for him when I go to work. On the Saturday, I accidentally forgot when I went off to volunteer. After I got back he began crying under the bed, this time for significantly longer. Over the next couple of days he peed twice outside the litter tray. The second time I spotted blood, and made an appointment to go to the vets the next day. At the vets they tested him urine and found no crystals, checked him white blood cell count (which was all good), gave him an antibiotics shot, diagnosed him with FIC, and a heart murmur (which seems to have come on in the past week as I had taken him for his vaccinations the previous week), and recommended putting him on a special diet. He also gave me some more anti-inflammatory medicine to help for the time being.
So a week after this I finally got the special food, and called up the vets, because my cat was still peeing blood from time to time. I was aware the antibiotics shot he was given worked for 2 weeks, so I thought it was normal for him to still be peeing blood, but I just wanted to check when it should stop. For some reason, when I called, I thought the pee in the blood was related to his diet, and changing his diet would stop the pee in the blood. The receptionist talked to the vet, who looked at my cat's records, and told me I need to bring him in for an ultrasound, which will cost around £420.
I have just started a job about a month ago, and was unemployed for 7 months beforehand, and had to pay for a large move (a flat's worth of stuff, moving 2.5 hours away) when I first lost my job. I have just been able to pay for his vet bills so far, but if I can see this ultrasound pushing me over the edge, especially if I end up needing to buy more antibiotics after. However, I also don't want my cat to potentially die. I am very worried about that happening. My vets do not allow you to pay in instalments. You have to have the money there to pay. It is making me very frustrated as I want to bring him in, but I need to wait until payday. I am also worried they are just going to tell me it is stress again and not really help him. Also, I am very aware that my cat gets very stressed when away from my other cat, and he would be in the vets for the full day for this ultrasound.
I would really appreciate some advice with all of this. I keep hoping he might get better, but today, after a few days of not peeing blood, he started crying under the bed again, which makes me think I will have to take him back in. I feel at a complete loss on what to do. I am worried taking him to the vets won't help and will just make him more stressed. But, I also worry that not taking him might end up killing him. This is the first time he has been ill since I got him as a kitten, so it has been really unexpected. I am worried I am making him more stressed with my stress because I am so concerned about him.

Just gauging some opinions. What do you like about vampires in media? And what would like to see change or portrayed differently?
Current WIP is very vampire centric. MC is a vampire and a knight for the Shadow Court, a cabal of elder vampires that guide and manage the Great Houses of vampire society. It’s been fun building the structure, hierarchy, Houses, religious culture of the vamps and the writing of the story itself but I was curious how traditional I should go in my depiction of them.
I like the cliche sexy and mysterious vampire and the Houses do have agents who sink their fangs into mortal society to maneuver themselves into positions of influence and power but I also have a vampire barbarian named Vladarik Bloodbeard who rides a giant bat named Sarasti. I’ve seen I happen to have several vampire factions and individuals that sort of break that traditional caricature people expect to see. So I was curious about what like about vampires and what they would like to see different.
Edit: Broader context about my world at large. It’s very Forgotten Realms and Elder Scrolls coded. Different races, magical shenanigans happening everywhere, meddling gods and conniving kings all over the place. The vampires are powerful but hardly the top of the food chain in this world.

I originally responded to a comment and listed all the ways you can make sure you are fed if you don't have much money. I decided to post it here too in case it helps anyone else which I hope does.

1. FOOD PANTRY

- CHURCH : let them know about your situation they usually have food they can provide you with. - SIKH TEMPLE: provide free vegetarian meal for anyone, everyday. You don't have to be Sikh they will help you. Look for one in your area, they can also be called gurdawaras so make sure to look for both. Also although it's vegetarian it's still a proper meal. A lot of Indian people are vegetarian so their vegetarian options are still really good. 

1. DOWNLOAD FAST FOOD APPS: You can get the food for free or very discounted. They have points systems that also add up very quickly. Some examples of apps that consistently have free/discounted meals:
   

    Mcdonald's, Taco Bell, Checkers, Burger King (at the top of my head, feel free to add anymore in the comments) 

Also you can try going into stores later at night and ask them for food and say you don't have money they will usually make you something.

1. DOWNLOAD THE APP TOOGOODTOGO: This is a better option and important if you still don't want to spend alot but want to make sure you're getting proper nutrition. Fast food will fill you up but it might not be the healthiest.

With too goodtogo there are many restaurants around you you can choose from and you basically buy a "mystery bag" usually about 5 dollars USD. The portions are big and depending where you order from its different.
There are also bags at diffrent time of day for example: Most bags are pick up around 9 or 10 pm because that's when restaurants or grocery stores toss their food out. This way they still make some of their money back and don't toss perfectly good food. Some bags are also available 9 am or 12 pm afternoon time but it's less common.
Explore the places near vou on the app. i would suggest either a pizzeria so you get multiple slices and pastas, or a grocery store to stay healthy because they give away some prepared food and alot of vegetables and fresh produce. Almost all of the restaurants on there also give out meats within these bags.

1. DOLLAR TREE NEAR YOU

I know it might not be your first choice but I have eaten from there when I needed to and their food was good, none was spoiled or expired or anything like that.
They have alot of frozen food : Pizzas, Mozzarella Sticks, Burgers, Hot Dogs, etc.

1. FREE LASAGNA -This is the name of a website to get a free lasagna delivered to you. It's not an immediate service and you need to sign up. The wait period is different depending on your area and it can be from around a week to a couple of months. I would sign up ASAP so I'd have a backup meal for the future.

I apologize for how long this is but I hope this helps someone out there. If none of these options work for you please let me know because there are definitely more ways that are not coming to mind just right now.