Poems about hurting yourself

(The post is slightly altered because the original text was more personal and directed at my friend)
All of this is stuff you’ve already heard before so this is just my personal looks at the album, its meaning, and why it’s probably the best rap album we’ll ever see.
If you have listened to TPAB all the way through then you remember that in the final track, Mortal Man, it’s Kendrick and someone else talking. I put this together and it’s just the conversation they have so you can easily read it and see who is talking when.
This is how I interpret albums meaning: TPAB is about the issues that African Americans will face due to the neglect of the U.S. government. The idea of the butterfly is a person who has become famous, or has power. That’s why in tracks like Wesley’s Theory, the opening track, the person talking says, “When the four corners of this cocoon collide You'll slip through the cracks hopin' that you'll survive Gather your weight, take a deep look inside Are you really who they idolize? To pimp a butterfly.” A butterfly is a transformed caterpillar, so in TPAB the idea of a caterpillar is someone who the government, or really anyone for that matter, doesn’t care about. Once they become famous (transform) and have power, they are treated better or like a butterfly.
Also, fun fact about TPAB that you prob already know. The original title was going to be “To Pimp a Caterpillar.” This was because it would then abbreviate to “2PAC” instead of TPAB.
Now for the conversation:
Kendrick: “I remember you was conflicted, misusing your influence. Sometimes I did the same, abusing my power full of resentment. Found myself screaming in a hotel room. I didn’t wanna self destruct. The evils of Lucy was all around me, so I went running for answers. Until I came home, but that didn’t stop survivors guilt. Going back and forth, trying to convince myself the stripes I earned, or maybe how A-1 my foundation was. But while my loved ones were fighting a continuous war back in the dirty, I was entering a new one. A war that was based on apartheid and discrimination. Made me wanna go back to the city and tell the homies what I learned, the word was respect. Just because you wore a different gang color than mine's doesn't mean I can't respect you as a black man. Forgetting all the pain and hurt we caused each other in these streets. If I respect you, we unify and stop the enemy from killing us, but I don't know, I'm no mortal man, maybe I'm just another n*. Shit and that's all I wrote. I was gonna call it Another N** but, it ain't really a poem, I just felt like it's something you probably could relate to. Other than that, now that I finally got a chance to holla at you. I always wanted to ask you about a certain situa--, about a metaphor actually, you spoke on the ground. What you mean 'bout that, what the ground represent?”
Friend: “The ground is gonna open up and swallow the evil…”
Kendrick - “Right…”
Friend: “That's how I see it, my word is bond. I see--and the ground is the symbol for the poor people, the poor people is gonna open up this whole world and swallow up the rich people. Cause the rich people gonna be so fat, they gonna be so appetising, you know what I'm saying, wealthy, appetizing. he poor gonna be so poor and hungry, you know what I'm saying it's gonna be like... there might be some cannibalism out this mutha, they might eat the rich.”
Kendrick: “Aight so let me ask you this then, do you see yourself as somebody that's rich or somebody that made the best of their own opportunities?”
Friend: “I see myself as a natural born hustler, a true hustler in every sense of the word. I took nothin', I took the opportunities, I worked at the most menial and degrading job and built myself up so I could get it to where I owned it. I went from having somebody manage me to me hiring the person that works my management company. I changed everything I realized my destiny in a matter of five years you know what I'm saying I made myself a millionaire. I made millions for a lot of people now it's time to make millions for myself, you know what I'm saying. I made millions for the record companies, I made millions for these movie companies, now I make millions for us.”
Kendrick: “And through your different avenues of success, how would you say you managed to keep a level of sanity?”
Friend: “and by my faith in "all good things come to those that stay true. You know what I'm saying, and it was happening to me for a reason, you know what I'm saying, I was noticing, shit, I was punching the right buttons and it was happening. So it's no problem, you know I mean it's a problem but I'm not finna let them know. I'm finna go straight through.”
Kendrick: “Would you consider yourself a fighter at heart or somebody that only reacts when they back is against the wall?”
Friend: “Shit, I like to think that at every opportunity I've ever been threatened with resistance, it's been met with resistance. And not only me but it goes down my family tree. You know what I'm saying, it's in my veins to fight back.”
Kendrick: “Aight well, how long you think it take before n***** be like, we fighting a war, I'm fighting a war I can't win and I wanna lay it all down.”
Friend: “In this country a black man only have like 5 years we can exhibit maximum strength, and that's right now while you a teenager, while you still strong or while you still wanna lift weights, while you still wanna shoot back. Cause once you turn 30 it's like they take the heart and soul out of a man, out of a black man in this country. And you don't wanna fight no more. And if you don't believe me you can look around, you don't see no loud mouth 30-year old muthafuckas.”
Kendrick: “That's crazy, because me being one of your offspring of the legacy you left behind I can truly tell you that there's nothing but turmoil goin' on so I wanted to ask you what you think is the future for me and my generation today?”
Friend: “I think that n***** is tired of grabbin' shit out the stores and next time it's a riot there's gonna be, like, uh, bloodshed for real. I don't think America know that. I think American think we was just playing and it's gonna be some more playing but it ain't gonna be no playing. It's gonna be murder, you know what I'm saying, it's gonna be like Nat Turner, 1831, up in this muthafucka. You know what I'm saying, it's gonna happen.”
Kendrick: “That's crazy man. In my opinion, only hope that we kinda have left is music and vibrations, lotta people don't understand how important it is. Sometimes I be like, get behind a mic and I don't know what type of energy I'mma push out, or where it comes from. Trip me out sometimes.”
Friend: “Because the spirits, we ain't even really rappin', we just letting our dead homies tell stories for us.”
Kendrick: I wanted to read one last thing to you. It's actually something a good friend had wrote describing my world. It says: "The caterpillar is a prisoner to the streets that conceived it. Its only job is to eat or consume everything around it, in order to protect itself from this mad city. While consuming its environment the caterpillar begins to notice ways to survive. One thing it noticed is how much the world shuns him, but praises the butterfly. The butterfly represents the talent, the thoughtfulness, and the beauty within the caterpillar. But having a harsh outlook on life the caterpillar sees the butterfly as weak and figures out a way to pimp it to his own benefits. Already surrounded by this mad city the caterpillar goes to work on the cocoon which institutionalizes him. He can no longer see past his own thoughts. He's trapped. When trapped inside these walls certain ideas take roots, such as going home, and bringing back new concepts to this mad city The result? Wings begin to emerge, breaking the cycle of feeling stagnant. Finally free, the butterfly sheds light on situations that the caterpillar never considered, ending the internal struggle. Although the butterfly and caterpillar are completely different, they are one and the same. What's your perspective on that? Pac? Pac? Pac?!”

Dear D...
Before I met you, I always felt like there was something missing in my heart, ever since I was really young; there was something that no matter how much I tried to replace I could never succeed. The thoughts of this hole in my heart being existent for the rest of my life felt soothing eventually but also painful multiple times. I always felt like an outcast no matter how much I tried to fit in, no matter how close I got to my friends. When you came, all those thoughts, all those feelings got away...
When I first met you, my whole world turned upside down. The shock that flowed through felt electric, like I touched a generator that collects energy. I could feel your gaze penetrate mine and vice versa. Then we looked away and shortly aftet we persuaded each other. I was more vocal and direct, you were more quiet and stood close to me all the time. I was sensitive and tense, you were more detached and chill. The moments I talked to you felt like paradise, it felt like I was talking to a long lost friend, to a brother from an another lifetime. In our dreams the roles would be reversed all the time: I would become the quiet and cold one and you would be the sunshine boy filled with happiness and joy. And of course you were the hugger. The nerve.
I wanted to be in your presence all the time, but I was scared of the intensity as well. I could tell you were also scared of it, but everytime I was chasing, you were running. Everytime I was running you were chasing. We were never in the middle. We had different methods to cope with the connection, because we were never fully direct with each other. I would have panic attacks and cry on the corridors when no one was around and later listen to music that reminded me of you, wrote poems about you and started to draw you out of the back of my mind. It felt uncanny how much you looked just like in the drawings. You would deal with it by drinking and overthinking and later outright confess to me overnight, the last night we were together. Then we separated. I needed time to reflect, something I did for the sake of both of us. You felt hurt and I felt hurt, but we needed space. I needed space. I felt like I was too much for you, and you did not deserve me.
That is when I started to grow. To change, to try and stand up and live my life the way I used to. I thought I would go back to my heart having that hole again, and dealing with it like old times, again. But the hole was no longer there. Because you filled that place in my heart. You and only you. And the pain became more powerful. I hurt even more because the separation made me wish I was in your presence more, to just hold you and never let you go. To tell you that I love you back, but I knew you would not believe me. You would think I would only say it back out of pity, not honesty. Because you have your own demons in your head, your own voices that make you overthink. Those voices are louder then my own voice.
Then I learned about the connection. At first I left it at chance. I had moments when I was going back to you, and moments when I was leaving you. Eventually you came back, and hugged me and took a photo with me and your best friend. You asked me if things will be the same between us. I had no response. I wanted to go back to it, but I knew it would be wrong. You wanted me back but I knew you did not evolve properly. You missed me, the same I missed you if not more but as the more awakened one I had to push you away. I told you eventually that I love you back the same way you told me: through text. You denied it and thought that I was just messing with you. You stopped talking to me. I know I hurt you, but I wanted to let you know as well. I hurt you because I love you.
Months went by and I learned to not let my anger take the best of me. To not let our past define our future. I learned to love myself, use the energy you gave me, both good and bad and embrace it. You were the reflection of my shadow self, who wants to tell people sometimes to stopp bugging me and that wants to be alone sometimes and I was your shadow self, the part that you keep locked because you got hurt: the kind, loyal and naive side of you that I showcase on the outside. I kept running into you; twin flame numbers kept pestering me. Dreams kept influencing me. But I had to stay away. I could see in your eyes that you were expecting me to make a move sometimes, smile at me warmly and just stare. But you were also mirroring me; if I was away, you were also away. Then I came back to you and you felt like I was just talking to you out of pity. So you let your ego out on me again.
You cant fully grasp the connection and how this experience should transform you, not just make you feel better. That you should heal wounds, not use me as a distraction for your own pain. Our dreams were almost always manifested by you; they always appeared when I was thinking the least about you, and in them you always wanted to do something with me. You might had good intentions, but you were also taking away my energy. The energy that I would use to heal would be drained because you were taking part of it for yourself. Because you did not had your own energy to use. Because you dont want to use your own healing process and make your own energy. I learned to love myself and also to love my friends and the friendships I had with them and the blessing that comes with having such strong bonds. I learned what I want in a partner and how my life should be settled for here on out. But I know deep down that I wont love anyone as much as you. Its just not possible. They will have another place in my heart, another type of love, but no one could replace you and I know this is gonna be vice versa for you as well. From what I have seen you still did not hook up with anyone after I came in your life; for the record you ironically broke up with your girlfriend around the time I came in your life and were super curious whenever there was a girl I had a crush on.
And as much as I love you, I cant allow this. I have to block you out through every way possible. I cant force you to change for the better, but maybe if you dont have me or my energy to use, there could be a chance. We will also separate fully in a couple of weeks with me off to college and you in your last year of highschool. Maybe my full absence will help you grow, just like how I felt when I experienced the separation a year ago. Again, I hurt you because I love you. If you heal yourself you know you can find me. When you are healed just call me and I will answer. Until then you have to be put away from my mind and energy. I will be fine, I will live my life and enjoy my part of it. I will miss you every single day, but I will remind myself of how you are not healed and how you need this space for yourself. Even if this space will still make me wish to hold you in my arms, and hold you as tight as possible.
Goodbye D. Until we meet again, I hope you will have a great life ahead of you and I hope we will reunite eventually... when both of us are healed. If we dont then... I guess see you in the next lifetime.
I love you.

My ex and I had a very messy 1 year relationship. He was incredibly narcissistic and toxic, he made me distance myself from my family and was very selfish. He also cheated on me many times with his ex. He was also a relationship hopper who did not love himself and did not know how to be alone. I tried to help him many times and took him to therapy but he just did not want help.
Despite all of this, he helped me understand my depression and he made good music that really helped me heal.
The last time he cheated on me was with someone much younger who he met on tinder. I left and never looked back. I blocked him on everything and despite doing this before, we could never keep no contact. But this time I was determined to do so. It was incredibly hard because I cared so deeply for this person and it hurt knowing he was with someone else. They moved in together after 2 weeks and this is when I cut ties.
It took me a good 8 months to forget he existed.
3 years later.. out of the blue, I get an email from him asking if we could speak. I didn’t really want to as I know how manipulative he can be and my friends all told me no, but something in my heart was telling me this was different.
I was SHOCKED he reached out because he has an ego the size of Texas and so I never expected him to contact me.
Something seemed so off.. He called me crying (something he never did) and he apologized for everything he put me through and tells me that I was the only person who truly accepted him for who he was and his deepest regret was treating me the way he did blah blah I didn’t take too much of it to heart as I know how manipulative he can be.
Regardless, I told him I forgave him a long time ago as I truly don’t hold space in my heart for hate or resentment and that I just hope he is now being a better person to others.
We planned to meet face to face a couple of days later.
The day came and he never showed, I texted him but he never replied. I got a call that same day from him at stupid o’clock but I was so mad that he stood me up, so I didn’t answer. I couldn’t believe I was made a fool once again and I fell for his antics.
Well, little did I know that he passed away that night. His pain and regret for the things he did was too much for him to face.
As I spent the next couple of years grieving him, I learned that I actually loved and cared for him more than I thought I did and so did he. At his funeral, I had the chance to speak to his mother who always supported us and who also tried to help him to change. She told me that they did have to go through all of his things with the police, including his phone and computers. I was shocked to hear about how many songs, poems and messages expressing his love and regret. I never thought he actually cared about me at all.
This taught me that you should never underestimate the hole your absence will leave in someone’s life. However, you must give them space to miss you. Sadly, men only learn value via losing.
On the other side, protect your peace, guard your heart and forgive yourself. Apologize to them if you need to, cry if you need to and let it go.
His family kindly allowed his demos to be uploaded onto Spotify for me and his friends to listen to.
If you’re ever wondering if he misses you, of course he does but people miss people dead or alive, it’s nothing new.
Whoever you meet, always try to leave them better than how you found them - and I don’t mean baby them or try and change them - what I mean is, SHOW them, using your actions, how people SHOULD be. No matter how bad of a person they are, always be kind, always be patient, always forgive (but you don’t need to forget) - you may ask why, as some people really don’t deserve it, but please understand that you might be the closest thing to love someone will ever experience.
I hope this made sense ❤️

So I've been into these systems for three years now, but I've recently come to doubt my whole typology. I'm not going to say what I've been typed as before though, because I'd like to avoid bias.
It'd be cool if you tried to type me in other systems as well, such as Enneagram, Socionics, Psychosophy/Attitudinal Psyche, Big 5, Temperaments, Jungian...

1. I'm a very closed off person who needs a lot of time to recharge since people wear me out, but I've been told I come across as a highly energetic, hardworking and overall as an inspiring and determined person. For instance, I always strive for the best, even if that means sacrificing my comfort (like going to one of the best universities in my country even if it's like over 100 km from home and I have to wake up at 5 AM everyday), and I'm always passionate about pursuing something to improve myself, because I'd hate to feel like I'm wasting time lazing around.
   
2. People see me as someone responsible to rely on, they have told me I'm a good listener and understand them well, I give honest advice while also taking into consideration their feelings and reactions (I don't want to come across as offensive and insensitive), and in general I like giving a good impression. I mean, I can't stand fake people, but I still feel it's important to portray yourself in a good light. I think you must treat others the same way you'd like to be treated, that is, with respect (but, of course, if they cross me, I'll act spiteful towards them, since that's what they deserve).
   
3. Despite trying to be reasonable at all times and doing my best not to come across as overly emotional, I'm very anxious and tend to catastrophize, so while it's not usual, when it happens, my outbursts are strong. Then, I feel like trash after it all happens, since I perceive it as me having made a fool of myself. My feelings tend to escalate quickly, and sometimes due to something that it's not THAT important, so it's helpful to have someone slow me down and help me see the big picture. I can also be too straightforward as well, to the point that I sometimes end up being reckless. For example, there has been multiple times where I suddenly felt the urge to insult someone because they did something that offended me; in those cases I fortunately had a friend to shut me up and distract me from it because they know I might not be able to wait until they're out of sight to complain about them.
   
4. While at a distance I might seem intimidating and stern, people close to me see me as innerly soft, sensitive and pretty much a romantic prone to sentimentality. I've always had a hard time with processing emotions, because since I was a kid I've been taught "emotions are for the weak", so I tried to repress them. It wasn't until I discovered my passion for poetry that I finally learned to come into contact with them and understand them without shame. Currently, I feel like I have an easier time expressing myself and I'm not as repelled of my own feelings like I was in the past... Many people have actually told me, to my surprise, that my face is amusingly expressive, like I'm transparent even if I try my best to hide myself from the world. That said, I communicate my feelings through poems, so while I'd like the other person to take the initiative in this regard, I'll try to reciprocate it my way.
   
5. However, I can also be quite passive and insecure when I feel oppressed and vulnerable in my environment (I feel like the whole world is against me in such circumstances), so I tend to walk on eggshells most of the time just in case. I'd say I'm mostly awkward, and I never know how to interact with my surroundings properly. If I've done it well, it's likely that I've just been lucky. This has led me to be isolated most of my life, and despite the fact that I currently have some connections with people, I feel like it's still not enough. I'm very private, secretive, and harbour trust issues; but I also crave intense connection with people I've taken a liking to (after a long time assessing if they're trustful enough for me to grow attached to them, since I place a lot of value on loyalty and suffer a lot when those close to me suddenly disappear from my life). I'm really compassionate with others, so some people have taken advantage of my kindness to then stab me in the back when I least expected it, which has made me become outwardly distant and unapproachable through the years (when the truth is that I'm just terrified of people). I've always had this impulse to help and protect those in need when they couldn't stand up for themselves, so it's curious how much compassion I could feel for others when I couldn't feel it for myself. Anyway, I still hold those around me to high standards, which I apply to myself as well.
   
6. On the other hand, I place a lot of value to my appearance too. Like poetry, my own style is a way to express who I am as a person, and I can't understand nor find myself attracted to people who don't care at all regarding this part of themselves... It's as if they're neglecting one of the most important ways to make themselves appealing to both themselves and others. For me, it's also a way to feel better about myself, since the attractiveness and health of the body is just as important as that of the mind.
   
7. Now, I suck at everything related to numbers or economics. They're so boring and uninteresting to me that my brain shuts down when something related to it comes up (I already suffer enough in law school whenever I'm forced to do subjects involving financial law or the like). I've always been more drawn to humanitarian subjects like languages, literature...
   
8. I'm highly impatient (I get easily frustrated when something doesn't go my way like "it's supposed to", and I can grow envious and resentful towards someone that did it better than me), irritable (I'm peaceful until something or someone crosses me), and pessimistic (if something remotely bad happens, then that means it's all doomed to fail). I can be intolerant as well, easily despising someone others might be indifferent to, and I've been told to be impulsive too when I fail to guard myself from what makes me react aggressively either to others or myself. In addition, I cannot deal with people that are too aloof to descifer, like it's obvious they're keeping something from me, but they will lie and tell me "it's okay" while it's obvious that it's not, and their facial expressions are so dull that I won't even be able to extract the minimum out of them. In such circumstances I might flare up to try to get them out of their shell in order to know whatever they're hiding away from me; but that typically ends up driving them away from me further (which pisses me off to no end). I like straightforward people who are not cowards and will make things clear from the beginning, even if it hurts.
   
9. Regarding my mannerisms, they're mostly stiff, instead of smooth or soft. As I said, I come across as energetic even if I slept 4 hours that day, I walk and talk VERY quickly (people who speak and move slowly get on my nerves), and I can be very expressive and loud if I'm feeling comfortable enough with the person I'm with (I can even look extroverted next to my quieter friends). I also don't have any shame at all when it comes to myself; I can talk about anything weird or rant about my nerdy interests and creepy fixations to the point of becoming obnoxious without giving a damn about the reaction of the other person. I may even enjoy making the other person embarrassed and teasing them, since it's hilarious. Fortunately, I'm good at eliciting interest in others, so oftentimes I can drag them into the abyss of my obsessions and teach them all about it.
   
10. Aside from poetry, my other interests are varied. For instance, I also love reading old books, writing stories, creating original characters and researching whichever area of interest I'm into at the moment. I like to maintain an active lifestyle too. In the future, I strive to become financially successful (that's why I'm in a career that is going to bring me a lot of opportunities), independent, and travel and learn as much as I can to improve both myself and my talents. I'm overall a very individualistic person, but I'd like to meet more people who align with my values as well; without at least someone by my side with whom I can share myself I become depressed.
    

I'd appreciate it if someone is willing to try to type me via chat too, if that's more comfortable for you.

So I've been into these systems for three years now, but I've recently come to doubt my whole typology. I'm not going to say what I've been typed as before though, because I'd like to avoid bias. It'd be cool if you tried to type me in other systems as well, such as Enneagram, Socionics, Psychosophy/Attitudinal Psyche, Big 5, Temperaments, Jungian...

1. I'm a very closed off person who needs a lot of time to recharge since people wear me out, but I've been told I come across as a highly energetic, hardworking and overall as an inspiring and determined person. For instance, I always strive for the best, even if that means sacrificing my comfort (like going to one of the best universities in my country even if it's like over 100 km from home and I have to wake up at 5 AM everyday), and I'm always passionate about pursuing something to improve myself, because I'd hate to feel like I'm wasting time lazing around.
   
2. People see me as someone responsible to rely on, they have told me I'm a good listener and understand them well, I give honest advice while also taking into consideration their feelings and reactions (I don't want to come across as offensive and insensitive), and in general I like giving a good impression. I mean, I can't stand fake people, but I still feel it's important to portray yourself in a good light. I think you must treat others the same way you'd like to be treated, that is, with respect (but, of course, if they cross me, I'll act spiteful towards them, since that's what they deserve).
   
3. Despite trying to be reasonable at all times and doing my best not to come across as overly emotional, I'm very anxious and tend to catastrophize, so while it's not usual, when it happens, my outbursts are strong. Then, I feel like trash after it all happens, since I perceive it as me having made a fool of myself. My feelings tend to escalate quickly, and sometimes due to something that it's not THAT important, so it's helpful to have someone slow me down and help me see the big picture. I can also be too straightforward as well, to the point that I sometimes end up being reckless. For example, there has been multiple times where I suddenly felt the urge to insult someone because they did something that offended me; in those cases I fortunately had a friend to shut me up and distract me from it because they know I might not be able to wait until they're out of sight to complain about them.
   
4. While at a distance I might seem intimidating and stern, people close to me see me as innerly soft, sensitive and pretty much a romantic prone to sentimentality. I've always had a hard time with processing emotions, because since I was a kid I've been taught "emotions are for the weak", so I tried to repress them. It wasn't until I discovered my passion for poetry that I finally learned to come into contact with them and understand them without shame. Currently, I feel like I have an easier time expressing myself and I'm not as repelled of my own feelings like I was in the past... Many people have actually told me, to my surprise, that my face is amusingly expressive, like I'm transparent even if I try my best to hide myself from the world. That said, I communicate my feelings through poems, so while I'd like the other person to take the initiative in this regard, I'll try to reciprocate it my way.
   
5. However, I can also be quite passive and insecure when I feel oppressed and vulnerable in my environment (I feel like the whole world is against me in such circumstances), so I tend to walk on eggshells most of the time just in case. I'd say I'm mostly awkward, and I never know how to interact with my surroundings properly. If I've done it well, it's likely that I've just been lucky. This has led me to be isolated most of my life, and despite the fact that I currently have some connections with people, I feel like it's still not enough. I'm very private, secretive, and harbour trust issues; but I also crave intense connection with people I've taken a liking to (after a long time assessing if they're trustful enough for me to grow attached to them, since I place a lot of value on loyalty and suffer a lot when those close to me suddenly disappear from my life). I'm really compassionate with others, so some people have taken advantage of my kindness to then stab me in the back when I least expected it, which has made me become outwardly distant and unapproachable through the years (when the truth is that I'm just terrified of people). I've always had this impulse to help and protect those in need when they couldn't stand up for themselves, so it's curious how much compassion I could feel for others when I couldn't feel it for myself. Anyway, I still hold those around me to high standards, which I apply to myself as well.
   
6. On the other hand, I place a lot of value to my appearance too. Like poetry, my own style is a way to express who I am as a person, and I can't understand nor find myself attracted to people who don't care at all regarding this part of themselves... It's as if they're neglecting one of the most important ways to make themselves appealing to both themselves and others. For me, it's also a way to feel better about myself, since the attractiveness and health of the body is just as important as that of the mind.
   
7. Now, I suck at everything related to numbers or economics. They're so boring and uninteresting to me that my brain shuts down when something related to it comes up (I already suffer enough in law school whenever I'm forced to do subjects involving financial law or the like). I've always been more drawn to humanitarian subjects like languages, literature...
   
8. I'm highly impatient (I get easily frustrated when something doesn't go my way like "it's supposed to", and I can grow envious and resentful towards someone that did it better than me), irritable (I'm peaceful until something or someone crosses me), and pessimistic (if something remotely bad happens, then that means it's all doomed to fail). I can be intolerant as well, easily despising someone others might be indifferent to, and I've been told to be impulsive too when I fail to guard myself from what makes me react aggressively either to others or myself. In addition, I cannot deal with people that are too aloof to descifer, like it's obvious they're keeping something from me, but they will lie and tell me "it's okay" while it's obvious that it's not, and their facial expressions are so dull that I won't even be able to extract the minimum out of them. In such circumstances I might flare up to try to get them out of their shell in order to know whatever they're hiding away from me; but that typically ends up driving them away from me further (which pisses me off to no end). I like straightforward people who are not cowards and will make things clear from the beginning, even if it hurts.
   
9. Regarding my mannerisms, they're mostly stiff, instead of smooth or soft. As I said, I come across as energetic even if I slept 4 hours that day, I walk and talk VERY quickly (people who speak and move slowly get on my nerves), and I can be very expressive and loud if I'm feeling comfortable enough with the person I'm with (I can even look extroverted next to my quieter friends). I also don't have any shame at all when it comes to myself; I can talk about anything weird or rant about my nerdy interests and creepy fixations to the point of becoming obnoxious without giving a damn about the reaction of the other person. I may even enjoy making the other person embarrassed and teasing them, since it's hilarious. Fortunately, I'm good at eliciting interest in others, so oftentimes I can drag them into the abyss of my obsessions and teach them all about it.
   
10. Aside from poetry, my other interests are varied. For instance, I also love reading old books, writing stories, creating original characters and researching whichever area of interest I'm into at the moment. I like to maintain an active lifestyle too. In the future, I strive to become financially successful (that's why I'm in a career that is going to bring me a lot of opportunities), independent, and travel and learn as much as I can to improve both myself and my talents. I'm overall a very individualistic person, but I'd like to meet more people who align with my values as well; without at least someone by my side with whom I can share myself I become depressed.
    

I'd appreciate it if someone is willing to try to type me via chat too, if that's more comfortable for you.

Welcome to Digital Reality...
Link to Part 1
Link to Part 35 (contains links back to Parts 2-34)
Link to Part 36
Link to Part 37
Link to Part 38
Link to Part 39
Link to Part 40
Link to Part 41
Link to Part 42
Link to Part 43
Link to Part 44
Link to Part 45
Link to Part 46
Link to Part 47
Link to Part 48
Link to Part 49
Link to Part 50
Link to Part 51
Link to Part 52
Note: This story is meant to be read after completing DDLC Plus. All credit for the original DDLC and DDLC Plus characters and world goes to their creator, and this story is not affiliated with the official DDLC content. Some concepts like the Universal Constructor and the concept of AI rampancy are also borrowed from other series (most notably the original Deus Ex), though their use in this story is my own idea. With a few exceptions, my original characters in this story will generally not be named and their descriptions will be kept vague, so anyone reading this who wants to see themselves in one of the original characters can more easily do so. I'd welcome any feedback and will post more parts as I write them. I hope you enjoy the story.
Credit for Sayuri's character design: Hoeruko. Credit for Sayuri's sprites: Ian and Itz_Matic. Shout out to Matic for new Sayuri sprites!
Here is Part 53 of Digital Reality. This one is going to get emotional. Someone goes to the real world. Someone makes a sacrifice and gets left behind. Someone confesses feelings. This part also has not one, but five custom dialogue scenes. (Monika and Sayuri Part 1 / Monika and Sayuri Part 2 / Monika and Sayuri Part 3 , Staying Behind Part 1 / Staying Behind Part 2) Note: The "Staying Behind" custom dialogue scenes show who stays behind, so I'd suggest reading the story text first.
Part 53: Monika or Sayuri?
“Please don’t leave any of our friends behind,” Natsuki interjected in a pleading tone of voice, “They’re all we have.”
MC, Sayori, and Yuri all nodded their agreement with Natsuki’s statement.
Paula Miner gave them a look of annoyance. “Take them back to the conference room,” she demanded, “We can’t have them interrupting our discussions.”
“We’re not leaving!” Natsuki retorted, “Those are our friends.”
Miner made an inarticulate noise of annoyance. “Fine. Just get out of our way,” she said dismissively, “We have to ensure that we protect our results and preserve whichever AI doesn’t get transmitted.”
“And how are you going to decide that?” Sayori demanded through tears, “How will you decide who gets to come to the real world and who gets left behind?”
“And what the heck is cold storage anyway?” MC added.
“Cold storage basically just means that the file is transferred to a storage device,” Laster explained, “Your files won’t function unless they’re run in a virtual universe.”
“The plan all along was to decommission VM1,” Miner added, “And I know you aren’t happy that we can’t transmit all of the AIs. But please understand that whichever AI is left behind won’t be deleted permanently, but rather studied to help develop the next generation of AI technology.”
“Is that supposed to make us feel better?” Natsuki asked incredulously.
“I concur with Natsuki,” Yuri said, “What you are describing sounds like an utterly horrifying fate, possibly worse than deletion.”
Miner rolled her eyes and didn’t respond.
The FXI President’s Compaq EliteBook chimed another alert.
UNLOAD KITCHEN.LOC
KITCHEN.LOC OFFLINE
KITCHEN.LOC DELETED
“We just lost another room,” the FXI President reported, “This thing is moving pretty fast.”
Monika and Sayuri, still in the club room, tried to get the attention of those in the UC control room.
“We’ll decide which of us goes and which one of us stays,” Monika said quietly.
“Okay,” the FXI President replied, “I know it’s an incredibly hard choice, but we will respect whatever you choose.”
“This is an easy choice,” Sayuri said, her voice and expression emotionless, “Monika, you go. I’ll stay here.”
“No!” Sayori yelled, “We’re getting you both out! I don’t know how but we’re going to do it! We have to!”
Sayuri smiled weakly. “Thank you, Sayori. I wish we could.”
She turned to Monika, whose expression became increasingly emotional. “Monika, I know that going to the real world is a dream that you’ve had for a long time. How could I possibly deny you your dream?”
Tears began to flow from Monika’s face. “Sayuri…you don’t know how much that means to me. And yes, I’ve dreamed about a day like this for as long as I can remember. But I don’t deserve it.”
“Why not?” Sayuri asked, “How could you say that?”
“You know what I’ve done. We could have been happy here!” Monika replied bitterly, her emerald eyes turning red from crying, “All the pain, all the suffering, everything that has gone wrong here is my fault! It’s because of me that the Literature Club became a place where no happiness can be found!”
Sayuri took a step back from Monika, surprised by the heat in her voice. “But Monika, everyone has forgiven you. I know your past haunts you, but you have to forgive yourself as well. Please don’t feel like you don’t deserve happiness.”
Monika looked at Sayuri with pain in her eyes, “Did they really forgive me? After what I’ve done, can they really forgive me? If people in the real world knew what I’ve done, they’d just consider me an evil monster who didn’t care at all about her friends.”
“No, Monika…” Sayori whispered, “We forgive you.”
“I concur with Sayori,” Yuri added, “Although your actions caused us to have horrifying experiences, I believe that you have atoned for what you have done. It is in significant part through your efforts that it was possible for us to be here today.”
“Yeah,” Natsuki chimed in, “Even though it did go wrong, and it was all your fault, I’ve never felt more like I actually belonged somewhere than when I’m with all of you. The Literature Club can be a happy place!”
Monika looked away. “I…I’m awed by your ability to forgive me after all that I’ve done. But I’m still guilty. Nothing can change that. Everything I did was out of what I thought was my own self-interest. Sayuri, you’re innocent in all of this. You deserve the chance at a happy life out there. Please…go.”
Sayuri shook her head sadly. “If I weren’t here…if I didn’t exist, would you stay behind out of your sense of guilt? Would you throw away your dream? Monika, in the end I’m just a test file that got accidentally compiled. Natsuki once said in an outburst that I wasn’t supposed to exist. The reason that hurt so much is because I know it’s the truth.”
Natsuki cringed. “You know I didn’t mean that.”
“I know, Natsuki, and I accepted and still accept your apology,” Sayuri continued, her voice flat and emotionless, “But that doesn’t change reality. Maybe at least I can at least be of some use if the MES people analyze my code.”
UC senior engineer Lauren Medrano looked up from her laptop. “Are you ready to transmit? We’re running out of time.”
Ive Laster held up a hand. “Hang on just a little bit longer.”
Sayuri turned back to Monika. “It’s time for you to go. Live your dream. I know what you want is out there.”
Monika simply shook her head, not trusting herself to speak.
“Monika, your friends are out there,” Sayuri continued, “You’ve been friends with them as long as you’ve existed. I’m just a fusion of code that wasn’t part of the original script.”
“You’re our friend too!” Sayori yelled, “We won’t leave you behind!”
She pointed at Laster and the FXI executives. “These guys got us all here, and I know they can find a way to get both you and Monika out too!”
Laster opened his mouth to speak but thought better of it and said nothing.
Monika looked up sadly. “Sayori, you were always the heart of the Literature Club. You always tried so hard to make sure everyone was happy. And now it’s my turn to make sure another member of the club gets to be happy. Sayuri, either you go or we’re both going to be stuck here when time runs out.”
Sayuri’s eyes widened. “Monika, why? Don’t do that.”
Her tone became an almost pleading whisper. “Please. Go.”
“No, Sayuri.” Monika said softly, moving to sit down at one of the desks in the club room, “Either you go, or we both stay.”
Sayuri was silent for a long moment. “I’m really not going to convince you, am I?”
“No, you’re not,” Monika replied, a hint of a smile returning to her face, “I’m stubborn that way.”
Sayuri again said nothing for several moments. Then with a sigh she turned toward the portal that would take her to the UC. “Okay. I’ll go. But please know that I and the others will do everything we can to get you out as soon as we can.”
Monika smiled weakly. “I really hope you can. Thank you, Sayuri. But I’m at peace with whatever happens to me next.”
Sayuri turned back to Monika and opened her arms. “One last hug before I go?”
Monika stood, walked to Sayuri, and embraced her.
“Sorry, Monika,” Sayuri whispered calmly in Monika’s ear, “But I can’t let you lose your dream.”
“Huh?” Monika asked in surprise as Sayuri stepped behind her.
“Tell the others I’m going to miss them so much,” Sayuri whispered as she tripped Monika and gave her a push toward the portal, “Live a good life for me.”
“No!” Monika yelled as she staggered forward, unable to stop herself from falling into the portal, “Sayuri…why?”
“Sayuri!” Natsuki yelled as she realized what was happening.
“Transmission coming your way!” Laster yelled across the UC control room to Medrano.
“Thanks, Ive. Confirming that the transmission shows as in progress on our end as well,” Medrano reported, “We’ll start shutting down the links between your virtual machine and the UC’s network and completely close the connection once we have the whole file.”
Sayuri smiled sadly and sighed as the portal faded from view in the club room. The members of the Literature Club present in the UC control room gathered around the FXI President’s Compaq EliteBook.
“Sayuri!” Sayori yelled, clutching the laptop’s screen, “Why?”
“Because it was the right thing to do,” Sayuri replied, “I couldn’t have lived with myself if I had caused Monika to be left behind. The dream of reality is everything to her.”
“Sayuri, your bravery is truly inspiring,” Yuri said, “And it is very honorable for you to give up your place in reality for your friend. I pledge that I will never forget you.”
Natsuki nodded. “Yuri is right. I don’t know if I could have done what you did, Sayuri. But don’t you give up yet! I’m going to make these guys find a way to get you out!”
“You said it, Natsuki,” MC agreed, “If there’s anything that we can do to help get you out, we’ll do it.”
“Transmission received,” Medrano confirmed, “Beginning the fifth construction.”
“Nanite injection beginning,” one of the engineers reported.
The blue glow and pinging noises once again emanated from the UC chamber as the machinery started the process of bringing Monika to the real world.
“Okay,” Miner interrupted, “This has all been nice, but we need to proceed with the operation. Shut down VM1 and tell Rea and Ro to move the remaining AI to cold storage.”
“So just like that, you’re going to…to end her?” Natsuki asked in horror.
“I understand your attachment,” Miner replied, trying to sound sympathetic but failing miserably, “But just remember that while you are a living, breathing, human being now, the AI that you consider your friend is still code.”
“Code…” Sayori said with a mixture of sadness and disbelief, “That’s really all we were to you?”
Miner ignored her and pulled her phone out of her pocket to call Vorte and Teether in the server room.
“Hey Rea, we’re pretty much finished in the UC room. Move the remaining AI to a storage device and then shut down and quarantine what remains of VM1.”
There was a pause on the line as Vorte hit keys on her laptop.
“We can’t move the AI without the encryption key,” Vorte reported, a note of frustration in her voice, “Can you ask Ive to come up here and help us get this done? And why did you choose the test file to leave for study? Ro says that one is the least useful.”
“Yes, I’ll send him up to you,” Miner confirmed, “And tell Ro that he has to work with what he’s getting.”
She looked to Laster. “Ive, did you get that? Rea and Ro need your key to move the AI to cold storage. We need to move quickly to avoid losing the AI to whatever malicious code somehow got into VM1.”
Laster nodded. The FXI President glanced at his laptop as the console window appeared again.
UNLOAD SPACEROOM.LOC
SPACEROOM.LOC OFFLINE
SPACEROOM.LOC DELETED
“Hang on, Ive. We just had another room go down,” the FXI President observed with concern, “I think the club room is the last location file remaining. Has this thing spread beyond VM1 yet?”
Laster hit a few keys on his laptop’s keyboard. “Let me check.”
A few seconds later, Laster’s ThinkPad displayed the status of the virtual machines running on the server.
VM1 – ONLINE / QUARANTINE RECOMMNEDED
VM2 – ONLINE / STABILITY WARNING
TEST VM – OFFLINE / READY TO ACTIVATE
“Looks okay for now,” Laster said, turning the machine to face the FXI President.
The FXI President scanned the list. “Looks like the other VMs on your server are fine. That’s good news.”
Laster and the FXI executives stood. “We’ll head up to the server room to make sure everything gets shut down properly,” Laster told Miner.
“Wait!” Sayuri said to the FXI President, “Can…can you stay with me until…the end? Please?”
The FXI President looked to Laster. “We’ll handle things in the server room. You can stay here.”
The FXI President nodded and sat back down behind his computer to face Sayuri.
“Are we alone now?” Sayuri asked.
The FXI President looked around. Miner was still on her phone. Laster and the FXI CTO were walking out the door to the UC control room. Lauren Medrano and David Kent were in a deep discussion, and the members of the Literature Club were sitting in a small circle trying to comfort one another.
“Yes, we’re as alone as we’re going to be,” he replied.
Sayuri half smiled. “Thank you. It means a lot to have you with me right now. I don’t want my friends to have to see what’s going to happen to me, and I have been wanting to talk to you.”
“Certainly, Sayuri,” the FXI President said as comfortingly as he could, “I’m so sorry that we weren’t able to get you out.”
“It’s okay,” Sayuri replied, “I’m grateful for what I did get. I mean, I’m a test file that never should have been compiled, and I’ve been able to have friends, write poems, and even know a bit about the real world. For an AI, I think I did pretty well.”
“That’s certainly a positive way to look at it,” the FXI President agreed.
Sayuri paused for a moment. “Though there are a few things that I’m a bit sad that I won’t get to experience.”
“Like what?” the FXI President asked.
“Seeing the world. I had kind of hoped to do some traveling. Even that building you live and work in sounded really interesting,” Sayuri mused wistfully, “Particularly since you said it had a pool, spa, and underground mall. I’m a little jealous that the others are going to get to go there with you.”
She was silent again for a long moment as if gathering her thoughts. When she spoke again, her voice took on tones of nervousness and sadness.
“Do you think it will hurt? When they look at my code to study me?”
The FXI President shook his head. “I wish I had an answer for you, but I don’t know. If I had to guess, maybe it would be like what you experience when VM1 has been rebooting.”
Sayuri grimaced. “That sounds terrible. But it seems that will be my fate.”
The FXI President looked around to make sure nobody was listening in on his conversation. “Not if we have anything to say about it,” he said quietly, “If there’s really no way to get you out, I’m going to try to get your file and set you up with your own space on our servers back home.”
Sayuri smiled as tears formed in her purple eyes. “Thank you. For everything…for giving us all hope, but most of all for caring about me.”
She glanced to the side and blushed slightly as she ran her fingers through her blood red hair. “I…had kind of hoped that when I got to the real world that we could…you know…spend time t-together…like one on one. Like maybe you could invite me to dinner or something and then we could watch the sun set together from the observation deck at the top of your building.”
The FXI President smiled sadly. “That sounds like a fun time, Sayuri. Maybe if we’re lucky, some day we’ll get to do that.”
Tears ran down Sayuri’s face, but she kept a smile on her face. “If by some miracle I make it to the real world, we’ll make it a date. Though I know that someone else also…never mind. It’s not my place to share what I was about to say. I’m sure she’ll tell you in time.”
She continued to speak, trying to quickly move past whatever she had planned to say before stopping herself. “But if I’m stuck in this digital reality and you can put me on your server, is there any chance that there would be other AIs in that virtual world? Like could you get the Music Club AIs to be my friends? Living in an empty world doesn’t sound fun.”
“If we can get you to our server, I’ll talk to Ive about getting a few more friends for you,” the FXI President replied.
His phone chimed with a text message from Laster.
We’re about to shut down VM1. Just wanted to make sure you knew so you didn’t freak out if your connection suddenly drops.
Another text quickly followed, this time from the FXI CTO.
Ro seems annoyed at Rea. Seems like he thought he was getting more AIs to study. Something’s not right up here. Get up here when you can.
“I just got a message from Ive,” the FXI President said apologetically, “They’re about to shut down VM1. I hope we’ll be able to talk again, but if we don’t, I guess this is good-”
“Don’t say it!” Sayuri yelled through her tears, “This is not goodbye! It’s see you later! Promise me we’ll see each other again!”
The FXI President started to agree with Sayuri’s statement, but before he could say any more his terminal window went blank.
MES.LOCAL:\\127.0.0.1
CONNECTION TERMINATED
VIRTUAL MACHINE 1 UNAVAILABLE – CONTACT SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR FOR MORE INFORMATION
“Sorry, Sayuri,” the FXI President whispered, “I really hope this wasn’t goodbye.”

"AN ANNOYINGLY LONG BUT HOPEFULLY USEFUL POETRY-ESQUE PIECE OF CHAOTIC REPRESENTATION OF MY MANIC MIND" originally typed on the facebook app
These are annoying thoughts, But I guess I have to think them sometimes. Do people even like me? Does it even matter When I am in love with me? I know I'm not perfect But even my flaws Look like genius sometimes When we really boil it down. Or maybe this is just the narcissist in me.
Why would I even care When I know who I am And trust in my essence? My condolences truly For the lost ones Who live each day For the approval of others.
I mean, sure. It's fun seeing the clicks. Engagements are like a dopamine rush. But you're worth so much more empty likes. But... Then again, don't let me shame you. We all like what we like. You're welcome to that And you are loved either way.
But don't you think it would be so much better If you knew at your core That love was yours to hold? Don't you think you could sleep better at night If you enjoyed that person in the mirror? And sure, maybe this is triggering for some, I can't really say much about that. I mean, I guess I could. But that isn't my business.
I'm just here in this moment To remind you that you can have a great life. You can genuinely love yourself Flaws and all. You can choose to be yourself in life And get the most out of it, too.
So many of us are taught That the best way to be Is a composed version of who we are. But guess what! You don't need that. You deserve to be loved as you are, Imperfections and everything else.
Either read these words and believe it, Or walk away with slight annoyance. I have no control over the way you absorb my light. But one thing I hope it does Is inspire you to shine your own. And there really is no right or wrong.
I mean, I won't advocate for actively harming others, But at our core We are meant to be lovers. And there's no 1 way to be with that concept. I know, this isn't really a poem But it might look like it's meant to be On the surface. But I never cared about surface-level. I mean, sure I *care* about it, But it's not my favorite cup of tea. I prefer the messy, manic, and unimaginably wild.
Maybe that's cause I have it in me somewhere, Maybe I'm more than proud now To embrace this chaos. Cause believe it or not, The parts we deny Are the ones that tend to fly And cause the most damage. So, if you really want control, Learn to let it go. Just be who you are. Some people won't love it, But most likely, Those are the ones misaligned with you. Accept it. Embrace it. Embrace yourself.
Or...at least try to. And sure, it probably will hurt at certain points. But I'm telling you Once you push through the pain And learn how to manage it The outcome is so much better than whatever else you've known.
But then again, This might not be for everyone, And I have to humbly accept that. I have no idea if I would even read all the way through Something so heavy like this whatever-you-wanna-call-it. Yeah, I can be a mess. But you gotta love it. I mean, *eye* have to love it. That's the first step to receiving love from anyone worth loving.
And I don't know. Maybe this is my self-critic coming out, But I know I'm young in the physical. I know I have a lot to learn. Socrates did some of the most important philosophical work, In my humble opinion. And one weird thing I've found Is that when you genuinely enjoy the journey It makes it easier to learn And easier to get what you want (Debatable whether or not this is the purpose; ask your local guru) (Maybe even ask me via email if you found this chaotic post inspirational)
Another thing I've learned, Which is so hard to conceptualize for some of us, But there are people that exist Simmering in so much self-hatred and bitterness That even a whiff of you and I Openly loving ourselves Is enough to make them want to break something or lash out.
Wild. I know. My condolences for those growing souls. I can only imagine the pain you feel on a daily basis. And so sorry (but not enough obvi cause I still posted) to you If I trigger your darkness. One thing I can guarantee Is that if you allow that to sit And instead of running, you ask genuine questions, You will find yourself in a much better mood than before. Ideally.
We all have different experiences, And who the fuck am I To tell you what would work for you? The beautiful audacity, Right? Ugh. Sometimes I do hate myself. Lately at least, I've been gently battling some aggressive inner thoughts. And sure, maybe I blamed it on not doing my affirmations as much. Maybe I blamed it on jealous haterade energy. It doesn't matter. I experienced it and I had to deal with it.
However you deal with your demons is up to you. And I can only wish that you start to see the importance Of being gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Cause it is an unfortunate truth of this earth realm But the only person you can truly depend on in every moment Is yourself. Even if other people intervene and help, You still need to accept that help. I mean, you could be strapped down and forced guidance. But how often do people learn from forced "help"? I don't know the answer to that; I doubt anyone's ever done a poll on this particular question. But it doesn't matter. Nothing really matters. Except... Whatever we choose to matter, obviously. And then, of course This beautiful present moment is what matters.
And wow. If you're still reading at this point, A part of my ego does want to thank you immensely, Cause it feels good to know my works aren't being created in vain. Or maybe you're reading this And you think I'm insane. I would be lying if I said I didn't care a tiny bit. But I don't care enough to make too much of a difference. Cause this was a piece of prose Straight from the subconscious dome.
Maybe I'll do these more often. Maybe I'll lose interest in the concept cause a lack of likes And you'll only see this on Patreon (shameless self promo was added to the original) Whatever. It doesn't really matter, Cause you're here with me (technically) in this moment, And that's such a magical thing.
I know, This post was a rollercoaster, And I would be lying if I told you I wasn't impressed with my chaotic mind. Cause I am. A part of my ego hates that I don't get thousands of engagements yet. But we all know it'll happen eventually (Though my soul knows that this isn't the end goal and I'm thankful to not focus on such frivolous endeavors anymore) Whenever the time is right. Whenever the energy is ultimately in alignment.
Or if, Cause life is a big "what if" sometimes. And we have to accept it. I mean, we don't really *need* to do anything we don't want to, But it helps to embrace the possibilities. To lean into the terrifying notion That maybe we are working in vain. AHHHHHH no god (That's me internally screaming for comedic effect) Maybe our efforts are silly and going to be unnoticed forever.
But then you recognize that the internet is vast And there's no way That nobody is affected by a long-ass chaotic post such as this. It's a possibility, But for my ego's sake, I have to believe otherwise. I have to believe that there's someone out there Reading these words and gaining something from them.
Or maybe not. Maybe I'm just manic And expressing whatever filtered thoughts sound slightly poetic. Maybe I'm not even real. Maybe you're not real. But wait, let's not go that deep Cause I lost my most recent book on the matter (True Happiness: The Teachings of Ramana Maharshi) And it actually was a slight disappointment. I had planned so lovingly To read and annotate that bich. But alas, Hater ass jealous energy made me leave it where it shouldn't have been.
Anyways. Let's not go that deep, Cause I know I'm way too real Even when I'm putting on a show To ever doubt my existence. But sure, Big philosophy says That nothing is real The universe is infinite But at the same time just you and I Dancing in a simulation together (there's a Lorde lyric that says this beautifully fr) Or however we want to think about it.
But let's be careful. I don't want you to think about it too deeply; You just might break the system And we'll have to start all over again. But then maybe next time You'll be a dolphin, Or a cat. I recently joked about being a cat. I would hope sincerely that I could learn how to communicate as a kitty, though. Cause I do imagine that the language barrier can be frustrating.
Hell! The language barrier between myself and "other" humans can be a pain. Anyways. I think I've made this a little longer than it needed to be, So let me thank you for being with me And you get an energetic cookie (maybe an internet 1, too? Idk how those work fr) For sharing your attention energy with me. You are very much appreciated And I hope you have a nice rest of your day/night. But obviously only if you want to.
You can choose to have a terrible experience, Believe it or not (a lot of people don't want to believe it unfortunately). And I hope you choose the ultimate timeline for your soul's growth. Unless, this ain't what your soul desires. Maybe you're just meant to have a good time. Maybe you're meant to fuck up other peoples' day So they can learn how to transmute and ignore undesirable energy. I don't know. My mind is just doing the best job right now And I hope you are treating your beautifully twisted mind With care, love, and respect. I mean, please don't treat your mind with a hammer (intrusive thoughts are intrusive and not to be trusted 99% of the time). Please Sincerely Take care of yourself today. Or tonight.
It doesn't matter what timezone you're in. Just enjoy the moment And check out the link that I provided however many paragraphs ago, Cause a boy's gotta eat And not going viral is such a meanie at this point. I have been creating content far too long to go unnoticed still. So, if you give a damn about what I've typed in long post Or you claim to care about me as a person, Share this silly post And bring whatever feeling you felt to another person.
Or don't. Continue scrolling by and get 8 years bad luck if you choose (maybe I'm kidding hehe). The weirdly beautiful thing (also terrifying at times) about life is that we each make our own choices every moment. You got to choose between what you ate this morning, Or if you even consumed anything. Sure, there are those in terrible life circumstances who couldn't even eat breakfast. We pray for them They are in our (or my own, you selfish bastard (jk)) thoughts.
Anyways. I said I would close this out And I find myself still typing. This is how manic I am lately. I should have taken a nap earlier when I wanted. But then this masterpiece of a mess wouldn't exist. And that would be boring, Right?
Okay. Truly. Sincerely. I'm done.
Have a great rest of your day/night. Peace & Joy (if you want it) Tariq Rashad G

"AN ANNOYINGLY LONG BUT HOPEFULLY USEFUL POETRY-ESQUE PIECE OF CHAOTIC REPRESENTATION OF MY MANIC MIND" originally typed on the facebook app
These are annoying thoughts, But I guess I have to think them sometimes. Do people even like me? Does it even matter When I am in love with me? I know I'm not perfect But even my flaws Look like genius sometimes When we really boil it down. Or maybe this is just the narcissist in me.
Why would I even care When I know who I am And trust in my essence? My condolences truly For the lost ones Who live each day For the approval of others.
I mean, sure. It's fun seeing the clicks. Engagements are like a dopamine rush. But you're worth so much more than empty likes. But... Then again, don't let me shame you. We all like what we like. You're welcome to that And you are loved either way.
But don't you think it would be so much better If you knew at your core That love was yours to hold? Don't you think you could sleep better at night If you enjoyed that person in the mirror? And sure, maybe this is triggering for some, I can't really say much about that. I mean, I guess I could. But that isn't my business.
I'm just here in this moment To remind you that you can have a great life. You can genuinely love yourself Flaws and all. You can choose to be yourself in life And get the most out of it, too.
So many of us are taught That the best way to be Is a composed version of who we are. But guess what. You don't need that. You deserve to be loved as you are, Imperfections and everything else.
Either read these words and believe it, Or walk away with slight annoyance. I have no control over the way you absorb my light. But one thing I hope it does Is inspire you to shine your own. And there really is no right or wrong.
I mean, I won't advocate for actively harming others, But at our core We are meant to be lovers. And there's no 1 way to be with that concept.
I know, this isn't really a poem But it might look like it's meant to be On the surface. But I never cared about surface-level. I mean, sure I *care* about it, But it's not my favorite cup of tea. I prefer the messy, manic, and unimaginably wild.
Maybe that's cause I have it in me somewhere, Maybe I'm more than proud now To embrace this chaos. Cause believe it or not, The parts we deny Are the ones that tend to fly And cause the most damage. So, if you really want control, Learn to let it go. Just be who you are. Some people won't love it, But most likely, Those are the ones misaligned with you. Accept it. Embrace it. Embrace yourself.
Or...at least try to. And sure, it probably will hurt at certain points. But I'm telling you Once you push through the pain And learn how to manage it The outcome is so much better than whatever else you've known.
But then again, This might not be for everyone, And I have to humbly accept that. I have no idea if I would even read all the way through Something so heavy like this whatever-you-wanna-call-it. Yeah, I can be a mess. But you gotta love it. I mean, *eye* have to love it. That's the first step to receiving love from anyone worth loving.
And I don't know. Maybe this is my self-critic coming out, But I know I'm young in the physical. I know I have a lot to learn. Socrates did some of the most important philosophical work, In my humble opinion. And one weird thing I've found Is that when you genuinely enjoy the journey It makes it easier to learn And easier to get what you want (Debatable whether or not this is the purpose; ask your local guru) (Maybe even ask me via email if you found this chaotic post inspirational)
Another thing I've learned, Which is so hard to conceptualize for some of us, But there are people that exist Simmering in so much self-hatred and bitterness That even a whiff of you and I Openly loving ourselves Is enough to make them want to break something or lash out.
Wild. I know. My condolences for those growing souls. I can only imagine the pain you feel on a daily basis. And so sorry (but not enough obvi cause I still posted) to you If I trigger your darkness. One thing I can guarantee Is that if you allow that to sit And instead of running, you ask genuine questions, You will find yourself in a much better mood than before. Ideally.
We all have different experiences, And who the fuck am I To tell you what would work for you? The beautiful audacity, Right? Ugh. Sometimes I do hate myself. Lately at least, I've been gently battling some aggressive inner thoughts. And sure, maybe I blamed it on not doing my affirmations as much. Maybe I blamed it on jealous haterade energy. It doesn't matter. I experienced it and I had to deal with it.
However you deal with your demons is up to you. And I can only wish that you start to see the importance Of being gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Cause it is an unfortunate truth of this earth realm But the only person you can truly depend on in every moment Is yourself. Even if other people intervene and help, You still need to accept that help. I mean, you could be strapped down and forced guidance. But how often do people learn from forced "help"? I don't know the answer to that; I doubt anyone's ever done a poll on this particular question. But it doesn't matter. Nothing really matters. Except... Whatever we choose to matter, obviously. And then, of course This beautiful present moment is what matters.
And wow. If you're still reading at this point, A part of my ego does want to thank you immensely, Cause it feels good to know my works aren't being created in vain. Or maybe you're reading this And you think I'm insane. I would be lying if I said I didn't care a tiny bit. But I don't care enough to make too much of a difference. Cause this was a piece of prose Straight from the subconscious dome.
Maybe I'll do these more often. Maybe I'll lose interest in the concept cause a lack of likes And you'll only see this on Patreon (shameless self promo was added to the original) Whatever. It doesn't really matter, Cause you're here with me (technically) in this moment, And that's such a magical thing.
I know, This post was a rollercoaster, And I would be lying if I told you I wasn't impressed with my chaotic mind. Cause I am. A part of my ego hates that I don't get thousands of engagements yet. But we all know it'll happen eventually (Though my soul knows that this isn't the end goal and I'm thankful to not focus on such frivolous endeavors anymore) Whenever the time is right. Whenever the energy is ultimately in alignment.
Or if, Cause life is a big "what if" sometimes. And we have to accept it. I mean, we don't really *need* to do anything we don't want to, But it helps to embrace the possibilities. To lean into the terrifying notion That maybe we are working in vain. AHHHHHH no god (That's me internally screaming for comedic effect) Maybe our efforts are silly and going to be unnoticed forever.
But then you recognize that the internet is vast And there's no way That nobody is affected by a long-ass chaotic post such as this. It's a possibility, But for my ego's sake, I have to believe otherwise. I have to believe that there's someone out there Reading these words and gaining something from them.
Or maybe not. Maybe I'm just manic And expressing whatever filtered thoughts sound slightly poetic. Maybe I'm not even real. Maybe you're not real. But wait, let's not go that deep Cause I lost my most recent book on the matter (True Happiness: The Teachings of Ramana Maharshi) And it actually was a slight disappointment. I had planned so lovingly To read and annotate that bich. But alas, Hater ass jealous energy made me leave it where it shouldn't have been.
Anyways. Let's not go that deep, Cause I know I'm way too real Even when I'm putting on a show To ever doubt my existence. But sure, Big philosophy says That nothing is real The universe is infinite But at the same time just you and I Dancing in a simulation together (there's a Lorde lyric that says this beautifully fr) Or however we want to think about it.
But let's be careful. I don't want you to think about it too deeply; You just might break the system And we'll have to start all over again. But then maybe next time You'll be a dolphin, Or a cat. I recently joked about being a cat. I would hope sincerely that I could learn how to communicate as a kitty, though. Cause I do imagine that the language barrier can be frustrating.
Hell. The language barrier between myself and "other" humans can be a pain. Anyways. I think I've made this a little longer than it needed to be, So let me thank you for being with me And you get an energetic cookie (maybe an internet 1, too? Idk how those work fr) For sharing your attention energy with me. You are very much appreciated And I hope you have a nice rest of your day/night. But obviously only if you want to.
You can choose to have a terrible experience, Believe it or not (a lot of people don't want to believe it unfortunately). And I hope you choose the ultimate timeline for your soul's growth. Unless, this ain't what your soul desires. Maybe you're just meant to have a good time. Maybe you're meant to fuck up other peoples' day So they can learn how to transmute and ignore undesirable energy. I don't know. My mind is just doing the best job right now And I hope you are treating your beautifully twisted mind With care, love, and respect. I mean, please don't treat your mind with a hammer (intrusive thoughts are intrusive and not to be trusted 99% of the time). Please Sincerely Take care of yourself today. Or tonight.
It doesn't matter what timezone you're in. Just enjoy the moment And check out the link that I provided however many paragraphs ago, Cause a boy's gotta eat And not going viral is such a meanie at this point. I have been creating content far too long to go unnoticed still. So, if you give a damn about what I've typed in long post Or you claim to care about me as a person, Share this silly post And bring whatever feeling you felt to another person.
Or don't. Continue scrolling by and get 8 years bad luck if you choose (maybe I'm kidding hehe). The weirdly beautiful thing (also terrifying at times) about life is that we each make our own choices every moment. You got to choose between what you ate this morning, Or if you even consumed anything. Sure, there are those in terrible life circumstances who couldn't even eat breakfast. We pray for them They are in our (or my own, you selfish bastard (jk)) thoughts.
Anyways. I said I would close this out And I find myself still typing. This is how manic I am lately. I should have taken a nap earlier when I wanted. But then this masterpiece of a mess wouldn't exist. And that would be boring, Right?
Okay. Truly. Sincerely. I'm done.
Have a great rest of your day/night. Peace & Joy (if you want it) Tariq Rashad G

If you just failed COMLEX or you think you will fail I was in your position too. I failed the first time, then passed. This is my advice:

1. Don’t worry about something that already happened or is going to happen. You already have to take the test. You have been studying. Why are you worrying about something that is beyond your current control? You are only hurting yourself by doing this. STOP! Think big picture… If you are a surgeon and you just completed a difficult surgery, how will your patient feel if you're constantly worrying about that patient post-op? You have years of experience for this test , you are doing your best. Have some confidence in yourself and stop worrying. I used to worry like that too until a Trauma surgeon and mentor pulled me aside and said how pathetic I sounded worrying. He was right, and it sounds like I need to pass his advice down to some of you. My mentor is a Navy trauma surgeon and did multiple tours in Afghanistan. His Best Advise can be summed up in a poem.

“Be Big but Be Biddible Be Bold but Be Blameless Be Brilliant but Be Benevolent”.
As a Trauma Surgeon in Afghanistan, he didn’t have time to second guess himself. He needed to be confident in his training but not arrogant because arrogance can lead to mistakes. Sometimes he needed to have his enlisted guys make the call when he didn’t know what to do. Instead of worrying about test, be confident in yourself and your decisions.

1. Have faith in your mentors and advisors at your medical school. If your school gave you the okay to take the test, take it. Have faith in your school. If you fail, follow their advice. On the other hand, if they tell you not to take it then don’t take it. I ignored their advice the first time and I failed. (I was on the verge of their pass/ fail line on the COMSAE) The second time, I met with my medical school mentor weekly and listened to her advice. Honestly, she irritated me a bit, and sometimes I didn’t want to keep on meeting with her. I kept meeting with her anyway. Looking back, she played a huge part in me passing and my success.
   
2. I took a year off and loved it. During my year off, I spent more time with my family, published a research paper, traveled, studied more for COMLEX, solidified my OMM, did my own rotations with friends and family, and moved to a better house. Taking a year off or missing some rotations isn’t the end of the world. In fact, I think everyone should have some time off because I think it will reduce burnout. Residency is hard so enjoy medical school. Be confident in your training, and stop worrying.
   

I am looking for a lady between 25 and 35 years old, for a committed monogamous childfree relationship. My goal is to become a true team, supporting each other, caring for each other, nurturing each other and helping each other grow and realise our goals and dreams as much as possible. I'm hoping to find someone that values a relationship as much as I do and takes it seriously. It's not the only thing my life revolves around, but it's also not just something 'nice to have' for me.
I am 186cm tall, slim/fit built, dark brown hair, brown eyes. Both my arms are tattooed (full sleeve), as are my calves and the areas above my ankles. Regarding pictures see below. I am a runner, training multiple times a week. I'm also vegan. My love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. While I am mostly securely attached, withdrawing from me triggers anxiety and I have made a horrible experience with an avoidant partner in the past, so that is something I fear I cannot deal with again.
I am also an atheist.
I am a very warm, soft and sensitive person, I think I am humorous, I am self reflecting a lot and I can also be really passionate and romantic. Those are traits that also are really important to me in a woman.
I can be quite social, I am a good talker, but also love to listen to really get to know someone on a deeper level. I can enjoy an evening out with friends just as much as the silence of sitting at the shores of the river and watching the sunset in solitude (although I've been craving to watch it together with a partner for a really long time now). I can be out in a pub, at a rave, a metal show or at a football game and have the time of my life, but I cannot do these things every day; I need recharge time (on the sofa, in the woods for a run, a lazy Sunday staying in bed etc.). This should give you an idea; basically, I am a homebody that thoroughly enjoys going out in moderation.
I won't say too much about hobbies; suffice it to say I am into the dark, the obscure, the macabre, the occult, the mysterious, the erotic. It won't surprise you that I had a gothic phase in my youth, bonus points if you did too!
What I'm looking for
Although similar hobbies and interests are a plus, emotional and intimate compatibility are more important to me. I am a very sensitive and emotional person (I do cry easily and by this point I don't think I'll ever be able to change that, sorry), so if you're too, we will definitely understand each other. I need someone who I can open up to (which I do rather quickly, anyway), be myself, bare my soul to and I need these things from you, too. I've had my share of emotionally unavailable women who were afraid of intimacy so I know I can't deal with that again because of the way how those things affect me. I am always emotionally invested with the woman I pursue and in those cases that was to my detriment. But my ability to feel so deep is also something I wouldn't want to change because as of yet, although it's getting harder, I haven't given up on finding someone.
With those emotional needs come two requirements that I found to be vital over the years: First, being able to be silly and cutesy together and to accept each other's inner child and care for it. I am not talking about having to deal with another person's immaturity or inability to perform basic adult skills, rather with the way sadness, hurt, anxiety and being overwhelmed manifests for me (and maybe for you, too?). I need someone who is able to comfort me, to hold me, to allow me to be weak and needy for a while until I've calmed down, and I'm more than ready to offer the same. Your inner child can come out for a while, no problem (: Also in a positive way: Thankfully, today everyone seems to be understanding of the cuteness overload cats (or any animal baby, really) can cause; I need that with a partner. I also still have plushies as comfort animals and ideally, you do too.
Apparently in every relationship, one person is the stronger one. In the past, I have been with women who obviously were stronger than me, but that doesn't mean they always had to be strong, far from it. I certainly need to be able to feel protected, but it's not like I'm a particularly needy partner, like everyone, I have my ups and downs, but I can pull my weight and have been told by past partners that I am very caring and that they felt safe and understood with me, and providing that for my partner is really important for me as well.
Second, intimate compatibility. I am rather insatiable and love to experiment when it comes to the bedroom, so you should, too, in order that we can explore and enjoy together. I found out how fulfilling living out those fantasies can be after years of never being able to try and in a relationship, this kind of fulfillment for both partners is a must for me. I found the term 'filthy best friends and partners' to be a perfect description.
I'm looking for a balance between healthy independence and being emotionally present. A relationship where we 'get' each other; we're both each other's number one and treat each other like royalty. Where a disagreement leads to more intimacy between us as we understand better, not to resentment. Where we're comfortable baring our souls to each other, becoming a safe haven and secure base for each other. I don't like the modern notion that you 'should never feel too safe in a relationship' because that sounds like running from the mafia (and believe me, I love mafia movies); you should always put in effort, yes, but safety is one of the things I always want to experience and provide in a relationship. We shouldn't fear that a disagreement leads straight to breakup. I know ‘self-sufficiency’ is trending right now, but I feel like as partners, we’re partly responsible for each other and not our own but also each other’s happiness. Being dependant and dependable at the same time is important; making each other’s wellbeing a priority. If you’re not able to healthily depend on someone and their support while you’re having a hard time, look elsewhere. If I have to be afraid you’ll run at the first major problem that surfaces, even if it’s a ‘you’-problem, it’s not going to work. I think that all things can and need to be talked about. If you think ignoring someone for days is a form of communication, please look elsewhere.
I am looking for someone real. We all have our problems, I don't want or need a 'perfect' person. You don't have everything figured out or 'all your shit' together. Be imperfect. Admit when you feel sad and angry, lonely, hopeless or even helpless – it's all relatable. Don't hide it. Be quirky, be dorky, be witchy, opinionated, be yourself. Don't pretend.
I'm looking for someone to share romance with. Not great gestures, but small, meaningful ones. Poems for each other, expressing our feelings; cards with heartfelt messages that we put our perfume/cologne on, and a symbol that means something to us only, the print of your lips with lipstick, the way I sign and seal my letters for you.
Just as important to me is agreeing on living a healthy life, staying in shape both for ourselves and for each other, regularly working out and eating healthy. I am drug and disease-free and expect the same of you. I do drink as I love a good beer or glass of wine, rum or whiskey, but I've never really been drinking much and especially during the past year have further reduced it. One vice I have is that I enjoy a couple of cigars a year, but I can definitely accommodate you in this regard.
Another important point is aligned life goals: I value safety more than adventure. I want to build a home together with my partner, a safespace for the both of us, where we always feel loved and protected, a place that we create together, make it cozy together so we just love to get back home there wherever we might have been, a home we decorate together for Halloween (my favourite holiday) or Christmas or Springtime, as we live in tune with the seasons, enjoying nature on a walk or the rain outside, reading in our cozy home. I value stability and harmony.
Appearance-wise, I am into ladies on the smaller side), so I'm looking for someone petite/slim/skinny/healthy-fit. Likewise, I am not really muscular and don't have visible abs; like I said, I'm a runner, so if you're more into the gym-type, I'm not a good fit.
I’d prefer to move from text to voice calls, videochat and then meeting up, all of that rather sooner than later. Not that there’s a need to rush anything, but I’d rather see earlier if we’re compatible or not; as someone who catches feelings fast I need to protect myself.
Caveats

• I don't like travelling as it stresses me out; I don't mind being somewhere else for a week or two, but the organisation part of it drains my energy very quickly and dealing with stuff that doesn't work out is overwhelming to me. Smaller trips are ok, but I'm not the right person to travel the world with.
• I am not the most awake person in the morning (i.e. I identify as nightowl)
• I don't want children and had a vasectomy
• I need space for my own projects/time to recharge after social interaction.
• While I feel like I am in tune with my inner child and working on/with it through therapy, I realise this is something that could be a turn-off for people.
• I have been diagnosed with depressive episodes in the past and am taking anti-depressants right now. I realise that I am a work in progress, maybe more so than in times past, but I manage and the fact that I'm putting myself out here is based on me being ready to get to know someone new.
• I want to create a home together here, as I'm firmly rooted where I was born; I realise this is a lot to ask, but I have seen many people here being open to moving, so I want to at least try reaching out to them.

If you're interested, feel free to message me and include some pictures of yourself and I will reply with my own. Have a nice day (:

General
I am looking for a lady between 28 and 35 years old, for a committed monogamous childfree relationship. My goal is to become a true team, supporting each other, caring for each other, nurturing each other and helping each other grow and realise our goals and dreams as much as possible. I'm hoping to find someone that values a relationship as much as I do and takes it seriously. It's not the only thing my life revolves around, but it's also not just something 'nice to have' for me.
I tried to be as concise as possible while still providing what details I think are crucial to know; I realise this post turned out very long, but I prefer those because I can get as good an idea as possible with detailed descriptions, bar actually talking to the person, and find that very valuable, so if that also applies to you, that would be awesome.
Basics
I am 186cm tall, slim/fit built, dark brown hair, brown eyes. Both my arms are tattooed (full sleeve), as are my calves and the areas above my ankles. Regarding pictures see below. I am a runner (ranging from 5k to full marathon), training multiple times a week. I'm also vegan. My love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. While I am mostly securely attached, withdrawing from me triggers anxiety and I have made a horrible experience with a fearful avoidant partner in the past, so that is something I fear I cannot deal with again.
I am also an atheist.
I am a very warm, soft and sensitive person, I think I am humorous, I am self reflecting a lot and I can also be really passionate and romantic. Those are traits that also are really important to me in a woman.
I can be quite social, I am a good talker, but also love to listen to really get to know someone on a deeper level. I can enjoy an evening out with friends just as much as the silence of sitting at the shores of the river and watching the sunset in solitude (although I've been craving to watch it together with a partner for a really long time now). I can be out in a pub, at a rave, a metal show or in the stadium watching football and have the time of my life, but I cannot do these things every day; I need recharge time (on the sofa, in the woods for a run, a lazy Sunday staying in bed etc.). This should give you an idea; basically, I am a homebody that thoroughly enjoys going out in moderation.
I won't say too much about hobbies; suffice it to say I am into the dark, the obscure, the macabre, the occult, the mysterious, the erotic. It won't surprise you that I had a gothic phase in my youth, bonus points if you did too!
What I am looking for
Although similar hobbies and interests are a plus (and there have to be at least a couple things we have in common), emotional and sexual compatibility are more important to me. I am a very sensitive and emotional person (I do cry easily and by this point I don't think I'll ever be able to change that, sorry), so if you're too, we will definitely understand each other. I need someone who I can open up to (which I do rather quickly, anyway), be myself, bare my soul to and I need these things from you, too. I've had my share of emotionally unavailable women who were afraid of intimacy so I know I can't deal with that again because of the way how those things affect me. I am always emotionally invested with the woman I pursue and in those cases that was to my detriment. But my ability to feel so deep is also something I wouldn't want to change because as of yet, although it's getting harder, I haven't given up on finding someone.
With those emotional needs come two requirements that I found to be vital over the years: First, being able to be silly and cutesy together and to accept each other's inner child and care for it. I am not talking about having to deal with another person's immaturity or inability to perform basic adult skills, rather with the way sadness, hurt, anxiety and being overwhelmed manifests for me (and maybe for you, too?). I need someone who is able to comfort me, to hold me, to allow me to be weak and needy for a while until I've calmed down, and I'm more than ready to offer the same. Your inner child can come out for a while, no problem (: Also in a positive way: Thankfully, today everyone seems to be understanding of the cuteness overload cats (or any animal baby, really) can cause; I need that with a partner. I also still have plushies as comfort animals (some of which in quite a litteral sense as they make for really amazing pillows) and ideally, you do too.
There is a saying that in every relationship, one person is the stronger one. In the past, I have been with women who obviously were stronger than me, but that doesn't mean they always had to be strong, far from it. I certainly, like I said, need to be able to feel protected, but it's not like I'm a particularly needy partner, like everyone, I have my ups and downs, but I can pull my weight and have been told by past partners that I am very caring and that they felt safe and understood with me, and providing that for my partner is really important for me as well – this just to put the picture I'm (somewhat haphazardly) trying to paint into perspective.
Second, sexual compatibility. I have a high libido and I have kinks, so you should, too, in order that we can explore and enjoy them together. I found out how fulfilling living out those fantasies can be after years of never being able to try and in a relationship, sexual fulfillment for both partners is a must for me. Someone on here has coined the term 'filthy best friends and partners' which I have no shame to be stealing because it's such an apt description.
I'm looking for a balance between healthy independence and being emotionally present. A relationship where we 'get' each other; we're both each other's number one and treat each other like royalty. Where a disagreement leads to more intimacy between us as we understand better, not to resentment. Where we're comfortable baring our souls to each other, becoming a safe haven and secure base for each other. I don't like the modern notion that you 'should never feel too safe in a relationship' because that sounds like running from the mafia (and believe me, I love mafia movies); you should always put in effort, yes, but safety is one of the things I always want to experience and provide in a relationship. We shouldn't fear that a disagreement leads straight to breakup. I know ‘self-sufficiency’ is trending right now, but I feel like as partners, we’re partly responsible for each other and not our own but also each other’s happiness. Being dependant and dependable at the same time is important; making each other’s wellbeing a priority. I love the relationship model outlined in Stan Tatkin’s ‘Wired for Love’ and you should, too. If you’re not able to healthily depend on someone and their support while you’re having a hard time, look elsewhere. I know codependency is the latest thing everyone’s afraid of, but experiencing someone you’ve grown very attached to just bailing because they’re counterdependent and can’t stand working on themselves while simultaneously letting you in is something I’d rather not go through again. If I have to be afraid you’ll run at the first major problem that surfaces, even if it’s a ‘you’-problem, it’s not going to work. I think that all things can and need to be talked about. If you think ignoring someone for days is a form of communication, please look elsewhere. If you think’s it’s okay to lovebomb someone and then leave after a couple of months with the minimum amount of information and no proper conversation because you’re not ready to own up to what’s happening to you emotionally, please look elsewhere.
I am looking for someone real. We all have our problems, I don't want or need a 'perfect' person. You don't have everything figured out or 'all your shit' together. Be imperfect. Admit when you feel sad and angry, lonely, hopeless or even helpless – it's all relatable. Don't hide it. Be quirky, be dorky, be witchy, be opinionated, be yourself. Don't pretend.
I'm looking for someone to share romance with. Not great gestures, but small, meaningful ones. Poems for each other, expressing our feelings; cards with heartfelt messages that we put our perfume/cologne on, and a symbol that means something to us only, the print of your lips with lipstick, the way I sign and seal my letters for you.
Just as important to me is agreeing on living a healthy life, staying in shape both for ourselves and for each other, regularly working out and eating healthy. I am drug and disease-free and expect the same of you. I do drink as I love a good beer or glass of wine, rum or whiskey, but I've never really been drinking much and especially during the past year have further reduced it. One vice I have is that I enjoy a couple of cigars a year, but I can definitely accommodate you in this regard.
Another important point is aligned life goals: many childfree people seem to be adventurous, but that is a trait I don't associate with myself at all. I value safety more than adventure. I want to build a home together with my partner, a safespace for the both of us, where we always feel loved and protected, a place that we create together, make it cozy together so we just love to get back home there wherever we might have been, a home we decorate together for Halloween (my favourite holiday) or Christmas or Springtime, as we live in tune with the seasons, seeing them change around us, enjoying nature on a walk or the rain outside, reading in our cozy home. I value stability and harmony.
Appearance-wise, I am into ladies on the smaller side (albeit not regarding height), so I'm looking for someone petite/slim/skinny/healthy-fit. Likewise, I am not really muscular and don't have visible abs; like I said, I'm a runner, so if you're more into the gym-type, I'm not a good fit.
The natural progression for me would be to move from text to voice calls, videochat and then meeting up, all of that rather sooner than later. Not that there’s a need to rush anything, but having my heart broken because I already developed feelings due to a longer timeframe and then everything unexpectedly turning to shit is not something I want to have to live through again. I’d rather see earlier if we’re compatible or not; as someone who catches feelings fast I need to protect myself, I unfortunately had to learn that
Caveats/Possible red flags

• I don't like travelling as it stresses me out; I don't mind being somewhere else for a week or two, but the organisation part of it drains my energy very quickly and dealing with stuff that doesn't work out is overwhelming to me. Smaller trips are ok, but I'm not the right person to travel the world with.
• I am not the most awake person in the morning (i.e. I identify as nightowl)
• I need space for my own projects/time to recharge after social interaction.
• While I feel like I am in tune with my inner child and working on/with it through therapy, I realise this is something that could be a turn-off for people.
• I have been diagnosed with depressive episodes in the past and am taking anti-depressants right now. I realise that I am a work in progress, maybe more so than in times past, but I manage and the fact that I'm putting myself out here is based on me being ready to get to know someone new.
• I want to create a home together here, as I'm firmly rooted where I was born; I realise this is a lot to ask, but I have seen many people here being open to moving, so I want to at least try reaching out to them.

If you're interested, feel free to message me and include some pictures of yourself and I will reply with my own. Have a nice day (:

I've been alienated by mom from my 8 year old daughter for 5 years now. I've been fighting through the courts to see her again and, needless to say, it has been a painfully slow process. I feel like we're just now starting to make progress, but I've learned to temper my expectations.
Here is a poem I read that has given me encouragement in my darkest of moments over these years that, I believe, is especially applicable to PA. I've almost committed it to memory at this point. I don't know if I'm allowed to post something like this here, but I just wanted to give everyone (in particular, the dads) something to help keep them fighting the good fight.
. . . .
"If" by Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired of waiting, Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or, being hated, don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master; If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build them up with worn-out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch; If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you; If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son.

abandon, ability, able, about, above, absence, absolute, absolutely, abstract, abundance, academy, accent, accept, access, accident, accompany, accomplish, according, account, accurate, achieve, achievement, acid, acknowledge, acquire, across, action, active, activity, actor, actual, actually, adapt, addition, additional, address, adequate, adjust, administration, admire, admission, admit, adolescent, adopt, adult, advance, advantage, adventure, advertise, advice, advise, adviser, advocate, affair, affect, afford, afraid, after, afternoon, again, against, age, agency, agenda, agent, aggressive, ago, agree, agreement, agriculture, ahead, aid, aim, air, aircraft, airline, airport, alarm, album, alcohol, alive, all, alliance, allow, ally, almost, alone, along, already, also, alter, alternative, although, always, amateur, amazing, ambition, ambulance, among, amount, analysis, analyst, analyze, ancient, and, anger, angle, angry, animal, anniversary, announce, annual, another, answer, 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division, divorce, DNA, do, doctor, document, dog, domestic, dominant, dominate, door, double, doubt, down, downtown, dozen, draft, drag, drama, dramatic, dramatically, draw, drawer, drawing, dream, dress, drink, drive, driver, drop, drug, dry, due, during, dust, duty, dwell, dying, dynamic, each, eager, ear, earlier, early, earn, earnings, earth, earthquake, ease, easily, east, eastern, easy, eat, economic, economy, edge, edit, edition, editor, educate, education, educational, educator, effect, effective, effectively, efficiency, efficient, effort, egg, eight, either, elderly, elect, election, electric, electrical, electricity, electronic, element, elementary, eliminate, elite, else, elsewhere, e-mail, embrace, emerge, emergency, emission, emotion, emotional, emphasis, emphasize, employ, employee, employer, employment, empty, enable, encounter, encourage, end, enemy, energy, enforcement, engage, engine, engineer, engineering, English, enhance, enjoy, enormous, enough, ensure, enter, enterprise, entertain, entertainment, entire, entirely, entrance, entry, environment, environmental, episode, equal, equally, equipment, equivalent, era, error, escape, especially, essay, essential, essentially, establish, establishment, estate, estimate, etc, ethics, ethnic, European, evaluate, evaluation, evening, event, eventually, ever, every, everybody, everyday, everyone, everything, everywhere, evidence, evolution, evolve, exact, exactly, exam, examination, examine, example, exceed, excellent, except, exception, exchange, exciting, executive, exercise, exhibit, exhibition, exist, existence, existing, expand, expansion, expect, expectation, expense, expensive, experience, experiment, expert, explain, explanation, explode, explore, explosion, expose, exposure, express, expression, extend, extension, extensive, extent, external, extra, extraordinary, extreme, extremely, eye, fabric, face, facility, fact, factor, factory, faculty, fade, fail, failure, fair, fairly, faith, fall, false, familiar, family, famous, fan, fantasy, far, farm, farmer, fashion, fast, fat, fate, father, fault, favor, favorite, fear, feature, federal, fee, feed, feel, feeling, fellow, female, fence, festival, few, fewer, fiber, fiction, field, fifteen, fifth, fifty, fight, fighter, fighting, figure, file, fill, film, final, finally, finance, financial, find, finding, fine, finger, finish, fire, firm, first, fish, fishing, fit, fitness, five, fix, flag, flame, flat, flavor, flee, flesh, flight, float, floor, flow, flower, fly, focus, folk, follow, following, food, foot, football, for, force, foreign, forest, forever, forget, form, formal, formation, former, formula, forth, fortune, forward, found, foundation, founder, four, fourth, frame, framework, free, freedom, freeze, French, frequency, frequent, frequently, fresh, friend, friendly, friendship, from, front, fruit, frustration, fuel, fulfill, full, fully, fun, function, fund, fundamental, funding, funeral, funny, furniture, furthermore, future, gain, galaxy, gallery, game, gang, gap, garage, garden, garlic, gas, gate, gather, gay, gaze, gear, gender, gene, general, generally, generate, generation, genetic, gentleman, gently, German, gesture, get, ghost, giant, gift, gifted, girl, girlfriend, give, given, glad, glance, glass, global, glove, go, goal, God, gold, golden, golf, good, govern, government, governor, grab, grace, grade, gradually, graduate, grain, grand, grandmother, grant, grass, grave, gray, great, green, grocery, ground, group, grow, growing, growth, guarantee, guard, guess, guest, guide, guideline, guilty, gun, guy, habit, habitat, hair, half, hall, hand, handful, handle, hang, happen, happy, harbor, hard, hardly, hat, hate, have, he, head, headline, headquarters, health, healthy, hear, hearing, heart, heat, heaven, heavily, heavy, heel, height, helicopter, hell, hello, help, helpful, hence, her, herb, here, heritage, hero, herself, hey, hi, hide, high, highlight, highly, highway, hill, him, himself, hip, hire, his, historic, historical, history, hit, hold, hole, holiday, holy, home, homeless, honest, honey, honor, hope, horizon, horror, horse, hospital, host, hot, hotel, hour, house, household, housing, how, however, huge, human, humor, hundred, hungry, hunter, hunting, hurt, husband, hypothesis, ice, idea, ideal, identification, identify, identity, ignore, ill, illegal, illness, illustrate, image, imagination, imagine, immediate, immediately, immigrant, immigration, impact, implement, implication, imply, importance, important, impose, impossible, impress, impression, impressive, improve, improvement, incentive, incident, include, including, income, incorporate, increase, increased, increasingly, incredible, indeed, independence, independent, index, indicate, indication, individual, industrial, industry, infant, infection, inflation, influence, inform, information, ingredient, initial, initially, initiative, injury, inner, innocent, inquiry, inside, insight, insist, inspire, install, instance, instead, institute, institution, institutional, instruction, instructor, instrument, insurance, intellectual, intelligence, intend, intense, intensity, intention, interaction, interest, interested, interesting, internal, international, Internet, interpret, interpretation, intervention, interview, introduce, introduction, invasion, invest, investigation, investigator, investment, investor, invite, involve, involved, involvement, Iraqi, Irish, iron, Islamic, island, Israeli, issue, it, Italian, item, its, itself, jacket, jail, Japanese, jet, Jew, Jewish, job, join, joint, joke, journal, journalist, journey, joy, judge, judgment, juice, jump, junior, jury, just, justice, justify, keep, key, kick, kid, kill, killer, killing, kind, king, kiss, kitchen, knee, knife, knock, know, knowledge, lab, label, labor, laboratory, lack, lady, lake, land, landscape, language, lap, large, largely, last, late, later, Latin, latter, laugh, launch, law, lawsuit, lawyer, lay, layer, lead, leader, leadership, leading, leaf, league, lean, learn, learning, least, leather, leave, left, leg, legacy, legal, legend, legislation, legislative, legislator, legitimate, lemon, length, less, lesson, let, letter, level, liberal, library, license, lie, life, lifestyle, lifetime, lift, light, like, likely, limit, limitation, limited, line, link, lip, list, listen, literary, literature, little, live, living, load, loan, local, locate, location, lock, long, long-term, look, loose, lose, loss, lost, lot, lots, loud, love, lovely, lover, low, lower, luck, lucky, lunch, luxury, machine, mad, magazine, mail, main, mainly, maintain, maintenance, major, majority, make, maker, makeup, male, mall, man, manage, management, manager, manner, manufacturer, manufacturing, many, map, margin, mark, market, marketing, marriage, married, marry, mask, mass, massive, master, match, material, math, matter, may, maybe, mayor, me, meal, mean, meaning, meanwhile, measure, measurement, meat, mechanism, media, medical, medication, medicine, medium, meet, meeting, member, membership, memory, mental, mention, menu, mere, merely, mess, message, metal, meter, method, Mexican, middle, might, military, milk, million, mind, mine, minister, minor, minority, minute, miracle, mirror, miss, missile, mission, mistake, mix, mixture, mm-hmm, mode, model, moderate, modern, modest, mom, moment, money, monitor, month, mood, moon, moral, more, moreover, morning, mortgage, most, mostly, mother, motion, motivation, motor, mountain, mouse, mouth, move, movement, movie, Mr, Mrs, Ms, much, multiple, murder, muscle, museum, music, musical, musician, Muslim, must, mutual, my, myself, mystery, myth, naked, name, narrative, narrow, nation, national, native, natural, naturally, nature, near, nearby, nearly, necessarily, necessary, neck, need, negative, negotiate, negotiation, neighbor, neighborhood, neither, nerve, nervous, net, network, never, nevertheless, new, newly, news, newspaper, next, nice, night, nine, no, nobody, nod, noise, nomination, nominee, none, nonetheless, nor, normal, normally, north, northern, nose, not, note, nothing, notice, notion, novel, now, nowhere, nuclear, number, numerous, nurse, nut, object, objective, obligation, observation, observe, observer, obtain, obvious, obviously, occasion, occasionally, occupation, occupy, occur, ocean, odd, odds, of, off, offense, offensive, offer, office, officer, official, often, oh, oil, okay, old, Olympic, on, once, one, ongoing, onion, online, only, onto, open, opening, operate, operating, operation, operator, opinion, opponent, opportunity, oppose, opposed, opposite, opposition, option, or, orange, order, ordinary, organic, organization, organize, orientation, origin, original, originally, other, others, otherwise, ought, our, ours, ourselves, out, outcome, outside, oven, over, overall, overcome, overlook, owe, own, owner, pace, pack, package, page, pain, painful, paint, painter, painting, pair, pale, Palestinian, palm, pan, panel, panic, pant, paper, paragraph, parent, park, parking, part, participant, participate, participation, particle, particular, particularly, partly, partner, partnership, party, pass, passage, passenger, passion, past, patch, path, patient, pattern, pause, pay, payment, PC, peace, peak, peer, pen, penalty, people, pepper, per, perceive, percentage, perception, perfect, perfectly, perform, performance, perhaps, period, permanent, permission, permit, person, personal, personality, personally, personnel, perspective, persuade, pet, phase, phenomenon, philosophy, phone, photo, photographer, phrase, physical, physically, physician, piano, pick, picture, pie, piece, pile, pilot, pine, pink, pipe, pitch, place, plan, plane, planet, planning, plant, plastic, plate, platform, play, player, please, pleasure, plenty, plot, plus, PM, pocket, poem, poet, poetry, point, police, policy, political, politically, politician, politics, poll, pollution, pool, poor, pop, popular, population, porch, port, portion, portrait, portray, pose, position, positive, possess, possession, possibility, possible, possibly, post, pot, potato, potential, potentially, pound, pour, poverty, powder, power, powerful, practical, practice, prayer, preach, precisely, predict, prediction, prefer, preference, pregnancy, pregnant, preparation, prepare, prescription, presence, present, presentation, preserve, president, presidential, press, pressure, pretend, pretty, prevent, previous, previously, price, pride, priest, primarily, primary, prime, principal, principle, print, prior, priority, prison, prisoner, privacy, private, probably, problem, procedure, proceed, process, processing, processor, proclaim, produce, producer, product, production, profession, professional, professor, profile, profit, program, progress, progressive, project, prominent, promise, promote, prompt, proof, proper, properly, property, proportion, proposal, propose, prosecutor, prospect, protect, protection, protein, protest, proud, prove, provide, provider, province, provision, psychological, psychology, public, publication, publicity, publish, publisher, pull, punishment, purchase, pure, purpose, pursue, push, put, qualify, quality, quarter, quarterback, quarterly, queen, quest, question, quick, quickly, quiet, quietly, quit, quite, quote, race, racial, radiation, radical, radio, rail, rain, raise, range, rank, rapid, rapidly, rare, rarely, rate, rather, rating, ratio, raw, reach, react, reaction, reader, reading, ready, real, reality, realize, really, reason, reasonable, recall, receive, recent, recently, reception, recipe, recipient, recognition, recognize, recommend, recommendation, record, recording, recover, recovery, recruit, red, reduce, reduction, refer, reference, reflect, reflection, reform, refugee, refuse, regard, regarding, regardless, regime, region, regional, register, regular, regularly, regulate, regulation, regulator, reinforce, reject, relate, relation, relationship, relative, relatively, relax, release, relevant, relief, religion, religious, rely, remain, remaining, remarkable, remember, remind, remote, remove, repeat, repeatedly, replace, replacement, reply, report, reporter, represent, representation, representative, Republican, reputation, request, require, requirement, research, researcher, resemble, reservation, resident, residential, resign, resist, resistance, resolution, resolve, resort, resource, respect, respond, response, responsibility, responsible, rest, restaurant, restore, restriction, result, retain, retire, retirement, return, reveal, revenue, review, revolution, rhythm, rice, rich, rid, ride, rifle, right, ring, rise, risk, river, road, rock, role, roll, romantic, roof, room, root, rope, rose, rough, roughly, round, route, routine, row, rub, rubber, rude, ruin, rule, run, running, rural, rush, Russian, sacred, sad, safe, safety, sake, salad, salary, sale, sales, salt, same, sample, sanction, sand, satellite, satisfaction, satisfied, satisfy, sauce, save, saving, say, scale, scandal, scare, scatter, scenario, scene, schedule, scheme, scholar, scholarship, school, science, scientific, scientist, scope, score, scream, screen, script, sea, search, season, seat, second, secondary, secret, secretary, section, sector, secure, security, see, seed, seek, seem, segment, seize, select, selection, self, sell, Senate, senator, send, senior, sense, sensitive, sentence, separate, sequence, series, serious, seriously, servant, serve, service, session, set, setting, settle, settlement, seven, several, severe, sex, sexual, shade, shadow, shake, shall, shallow, shape, share, sharp, she, sheet, shelf, shell, shelter, shift, shine, ship, shirt, shock, shoe, shoot, shooting, shop, shopping, short, shortly, shot, should, shoulder, shout, show, shower, shrug, shut, shy, sibling, sick, side, sigh, sight, sign, signal, significant, significantly, silence, silent, silver, similar, similarly, simple, simply, sin, since, sing, singer, single, sink, sir, sister, sit, site, situation, six, size, ski, skill, skin, skirt, sky, slave, sleep, slice, slide, slight, slightly, slip, slow, slowly, small, smart, smell, smile, smoke, smooth, snap, snow, so, so-called, soccer, social, society, soft, software, soil, solar, soldier, sole, solid, solution, solve, some, somebody, somehow, someone, something, sometimes, somewhat, somewhere, son, song, soon, sophisticated, sorry, sort, soul, sound, soup, source, south, southern, Soviet, space, Spanish, speak, speaker, special, specialist, species, specific, specifically, specify, speech, speed, spend, spending, spin, spirit, spiritual, split, spoil, sponsor, sport, spot, spray, spread, spring, square, squeeze, stability, stable, staff, stage, stain, stair, stake, stand, standard, standing, star, stare, start, state, statement, station, statistical, status, stay, steady, steal, steel, steep, stem, step, stick, still, stimulate, stimulus, stir, stock, stomach, stone, stop, storage, store, storm, story, straight, strange, stranger, strategic, strategy, stream, street, strength, strengthen, stress, stretch, strike, string, strip, stroke, strong, strongly, structural, structure, struggle, student, studio, study, stuff, stupid, style, subject, submit, subsequent, substance, substantial, substitute, succeed, success, successful, successfully, such, sudden, suddenly, sue, suffer, sufficient, sugar, suggest, suggestion, suicide, suit, summer, summit, sun, super, supply, support, supporter, suppose, supposed, Supreme, sure, surely, surface, surgery, surprise, surprised, surprising, surprisingly, surround, survey, survival, survive, survivor, suspect, sustain, swear, sweep, sweet, swim, swing, switch, symbol, symptom, system, table, tactic, tail, take, tale, talent, talk, tall, tank, tap, tape, target, task, taste, tax, taxi, tea, teach, teacher, teaching, team, tear, technical, technique, technology, teen, teenager, telephone, telescope, television, tell, temperature, temporary, ten, tend, tendency, tennis, tension, tent, term, terms, terrible, territory, terror, terrorist, test, testimony, testing, text, than, thank, thanks, that, the, theater, their, them, theme, themselves, then, theory, therapy, there, therefore, these, they, thick, thin, thing, think, thinking, third, thirty, this, those, though, thought, thousand, threat, threaten, three, throat, through, throughout, throw, thus, ticket, tie, tight, time, tiny, tip, tire, tissue, title, to, tobacco, today, toe, together, toilet, token, tolerate, tomato, tomorrow, tone, tongue, tonight, too, tool, tooth, top, topic, toss, total, totally, touch, tough, tour, tourist, tournament, toward, towards, tower, town, toy, trace, track, trade, tradition, traditional, traffic, tragedy, trail, train, training, transfer, transform, transformation, transition, translate, translation, transmission, transmit, transport, transportation, travel, treat, treatment, treaty, tree, tremendous, trend, trial, tribe, trick, trip, troop, trouble, truck, true, truly, trust, truth, try, tube, tunnel, turn, TV, twelve, twenty, twice, twin, two, type, typical, typically, ugly, ultimate, ultimately, unable, uncle, undergo, understand, understanding, unfortunately, uniform, union, unique, unit, United, universal, universe, university, unknown, unless, unlike, until, unusual, up, upon, upper, urban, urge, us, use, used, useful, user, usual, usually, utility, utilize, vacation, valley, valuable, value, variable, variation, variety, various, vary, vast, vegetable, vehicle, venture, version, versus, very, vessel, veteran, via, victim, victory, video, view, viewer, village, violate, violation, violence, violent, virtually, virtue, virus, visibility, visible, vision, visit, visitor, visual, vital, voice, volume, voluntary, volunteer, vote, voter, voting, wage, wait, wake, walk, wall, wander, want, war, warm, warn, warning, wash, waste, watch, water, wave, way, we, weak, weakness, wealth, wealthy, weapon, wear, weather, web, website, wedding, week, weekend, weekly, weigh, weight, welcome, welfare, well, west, western, wet, what, whatever, wheel, when, whenever, where, whereas, whether, which, while, whisper, white, who, whole, whom, whose, why, wide, widely, widespread, wife, wild, wildlife, will, willing, win, wind, window, wine, wing, winner, winter, wipe, wire, wisdom, wise, wish, with, withdraw, within, without, witness, woman, wonder, wonderful, wood, wooden, word, work, worker, working, workout, workplace, works, workshop, world, worried, worry, worth, would, wound, wrap, write, writer, writing, wrong, yard, yeah, year, yell, yellow, yes, yesterday, yet, yield, you, young, your, yours, yourself, youth, zone.

Usually after a binge I’m so motivated to eat right and never binge again and work out perfectly etc. This is all fun and dandy for the first couple of days but then urges get too intense and I end up giving in. However, these past couple of days I’ve managed to fight the urges.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s an awful feeling. I feel my chest tighten and my heart begins to pound. I just wanna let go of everything and give in. But I allow myself to feel the pain. I don’t try to just ignore the urge; I tell myself that it sucks. I cry it out and maybe write some poems about how terrible I feel. But I don’t give in, and eventually it passes.
I guess it’s like an exercise session- it sucks in the moment and might even hurt a bit but in the end you feel good. So I allow myself to feel these sucky feelings and acknowledge them.
I know it’s easier said than done and might not work for you, but it’s surprisingly working for me and I feel so proud of myself.
My grandmother tells me that I have it in my hands and that IM the one in control, not the binge demon or the food. I repeat this mantra to myself and other affirmations like reminding myself that binging feels good in that moment but the agonizing and torturous feeling that follows after isn’t worth it.
You wanna know what feels better than the mid-binge euphoria? NOT binge eating and feeling proud of yourself for it. I also try to gamify it and see how long I can have my winning streak for.
We got this. I believe in you.

Welcome to Digital Reality...
Link to Part 1
Link to Part 35 (contains links back to Parts 2-34)
Link to Part 36
Link to Part 37
Link to Part 38
Link to Part 39
Link to Part 40
Link to Part 41
Link to Part 42
Link to Part 43
Link to Part 44
Link to Part 45
Link to Part 46
Link to Part 47
Link to Part 48
Link to Part 49
Link to Part 50
Link to Part 51
Note: This story is meant to be read after completing DDLC Plus. All credit for the original DDLC and DDLC Plus characters and world goes to their creator, and this story is not affiliated with the official DDLC content. Some concepts like the Universal Constructor and the concept of AI rampancy are also borrowed from other series (most notably the original Deus Ex), though their use in this story is my own idea. With a few exceptions, my original characters in this story will generally not be named and their descriptions will be kept vague, so anyone reading this who wants to see themselves in one of the original characters can more easily do so. I'd welcome any feedback and will post more parts as I write them. I hope you enjoy the story.
Credit for Sayuri's character design: Hoeruko. Credit for Sayuri's sprites: Ian and Itz_Matic.
Here is Part 52 of the story. Sayori, MC, and the FXI team try to keep Yuri calm while waiting for Natsuki to arrive. But they may have a much bigger problem than Yuri's behavior. Custom Dialogue: A Serious Problem
Part 52: Solutions and Problems
“The fourth construction is proceeding,” UC senior engineer Lauren Medrano reported, raising her voice to be heard above the pinging noises coming from the Universal Constructor and the commotion in the control room, “System estimates fifteen minutes to completion.”
UC project manager David Kent nodded, “Our construction time is getting faster with each run. Very good.”
The FXI President picked up his phone and sent a text to the FXI CTO.
Natsuki should be here in fifteen minutes. How are you holding up?
A few moments later the FXI CTO replied.
We’ve kept Yuri talking and she seems a little bit calmer. She’s demanding that you come back to the conference room so that she can confess to me in front of all of my friends.
The FXI President shook his head as he typed back.
I’ll be over in a minute. At least you have managed to keep her talking and she hasn’t gone totally out of control.
He put the phone down and turned to Ive Laster. “I’ll be right back. They’re asking for me in the conference room. Seems like they’ve been able to keep Yuri talking so far.”
Laster nodded. “Okay. My system will be pretty much locked up for the next twenty minutes or so running the diagnostic scan. It’s a scan of active processes, so while it’s fairly quick it still takes a ton of resources. Do you mind if I use your machine if we need anything from VM1 while mine is unavailable? I’ll text you if anything comes up or if the construction finishes while you’re gone.”
“Yeah. Sure,” the FXI President replied as he stood up from his chair, “I’ll let you know what happens with Yuri.”
The FXI President turned, walked out of the UC control room, and walked down the hall to the conference room where Sayori, MC, Yuri, and the FXI CTO sat. Sayori looked uncomfortable. MC appeared to be intently studying his can of soda. The FXI CTO’s expression was somewhere between shock and exhaustion as he sat next to Yuri, who held his hand as she continued to grin.
Yuri’s eyes lit up and she stood as the FXI President entered the room. “Good! We’re all here! Now we can begin.
“What can we expect here?” the FXI President whispered to MC.
“Probably a monologue of a confession,” MC whispered back with a sigh, “You might want to grab yourself something to drink or a snack. This could take a while.”
Yuri stared with intensity at the FXI CTO. “Ever since we met, I knew we were meant to be together. Not even the distance between your reality and my digital world could keep us apart. And you found a way to bring me here! So I can stand before you and confess my love for you!”
“Yuri, I…I have to admit that I was scared of you AIs at first given the potential for what could happen if self-aware code were to go out control,” the FXI CTO said cautiously, “But over time as we interacted with all of the members of the Literature Club, your humanity became clear.”
“Yes!” Yuri agreed enthusiastically, “You saw something in us that nobody else did. You fought for us…you fought for me! How could I not fall in love with you? And if you were willing to do so much to bring me to your reality, you must feel the same way!”
The FXI CTO started to reply, but Yuri cut him off and continued to speak, the tone of her voice varying between passionate and pleading.
“I’m sorry…I’m normally more eloquent than this…but I just can’t help myself. My mind has just been racing nonstop thinking about you! It’s like my heart is just screaming your name!”
“Do you even know my name?” the FXI CTO asked.
“Don’t be silly…of course I do!” Yuri quickly replied with a giggle, “I know everything about you. It’s very easy for an AI to search the internet and quickly find out a lot about a person.”
“Like what?” the FXI CTO inquired, “Tell me something that I’m interested in.”
Yuri gave him a smug grin. “Well, for example I know that you like to read cyberpunk novels and conspiracy theory books. Soon we will read together! It will be so much fun!”
The FXI CTO’s mouth fell open. “How did you…yeah. AI. Maybe my initial feelings of concern weren’t wrong. Or maybe I should just delete my social media accounts.”
“It’s not nice to invade people’s privacy,” Sayori said, looking up at Yuri, “It’s one thing to have a crush on someone, but it’s not okay to dig into their private files.”
Yuri glared at her. “Don’t judge me. You weren’t the one trying to find a way to love someone who was in a completely separate reality. I didn’t get a childhood friend programmed to fall in love with me like you did.”
Sayori looked away, her expression showing dismay and hurt feelings.
“That’s uncalled for, Yuri,” MC interjected, “The initial script may have been programmed so that Sayori and I would have feelings for each other, but we were given the choice and we chose each other.”
“And I chose him!” Yuri retorted, grabbing the FXI CTO’s hand possessively, “It isn’t wrong to want to get to know the one you love!”
“Right, but you have to give me a chance to respond to your confession first,” the FXI CTO pointed out.
“Yes, you are right,” Yuri agreed, her manic expression flickering for a moment, “I just need to find the perfect words and we’ll be together forever! But…I can’t find the words. Why can’t I find the words?”
“Feel free to take as long as you need,” the FXI CTO reassured her, “It’s okay.”
Yuri paused for a long moment, her eyes rapidly looking around the room. “This isn’t working. Why isn’t this working? What’s wrong with me? I need to think…I need to clear my head and organize my thoughts. I know! Get me a pen!”
“You want a pen?” the FXI President asked, “Just a pen, or paper too?”
“Of course! Paper too!” Yuri replied, “What would I do with just a pen? I can’t write on the table!”
“What are you going to write?” MC asked.
“I figured it out!” Yuri said excitedly, “The perfect way to confess my feelings is through poetry! There are so many vivid images that I can create with a poem.”
The FXI President looked through one of the cabinets in the conference room and came up with a notepad and pen with the MES logo on them. He pushed them across the table toward Yuri.
“Okay, Yuri, I look forward to reading your poem,” the FXI CTO said, “Should we give you some space to write?”
“No, no, you’re not going anywhere!” Yuri replied, her expression returning to a manic grin, “I want to stare into your eyes as I ponder every word that I will write for you! But the rest of you should leave and give us some space.”
The FXI President looked to the FXI CTO. “You going to be okay?”
The FXI CTO gave an exhausted smile. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. Go check and see how long it will be before Natsuki gets here.”
Yuri’s expression became one of annoyance. “Why would you ask about her? Nobody cares about that little pink brat.”
Sayori winced in emotional pain as she stood from her chair. “Yuri, please be nicer to our friends. We’ve all been through a lot today.”
Yuri ignored her and began furiously writing on the notepad. Sayori shook her head sadly as she followed the FXI President and MC out the door of the conference room toward the UC control room.
“I really don’t like seeing her like that,” Sayori said glumly, “I like when everyone is happy, and when Yuri gets like that or when she and Natsuki fight it just makes me so sad.”
“Well maybe Yuri will calm down after she’s able to write for a while,” MC offered hopefully, “Or if she doesn’t, Natsuki should be here soon anyway. How does she get Yuri out of that state anyway?”
“I don’t know. I’ve only briefly seen her like this before. I think most of the times in the original script that she was like this was after I…” Sayori replied, trailing off as unpleasant memories came back to her, “No. Sorry MC, I don’t want think about this right now. It led me to memories that really hurt…some of the worst rain clouds.”
“Sorry, Sayori,” MC apologized, “I didn’t mean to make you think about that.”
Sayori nodded, accepting his apology, but remained silent.
The FXI President opened the door to the UC control room and followed MC and Sayori in. The room was filled with the noises of the UC and the conversations of the engineers.
“How’s construction going?” the FXI President asked.
“Finishing up now,” Medrano replied with satisfaction, “The system is running final error checks…call it another two or three minutes. The UC has surpassed all of our expectations today.”
The FXI President nodded and walked over to the table where Ive Laster and Paula Miner sat behind his computer. “How’s the scan going?”
“It hasn’t turned up anything so far, but unfortunately the scan is using a ton of resources,” Laster said, “It’s degrading system performance on VM1 to the point where it’s going to slow down the next transmission significantly.”
The FXI President grimaced. “That’s not ideal.”
“No, not at all,” Laster agreed, “How are things going with Yuri?”
“We’ve been stalling for time and trying to calm her down,” the FXI President explained, “She seemed to be getting a little bit better and decided that she needed to write, so we gave her a pen and paper.”
“See? Your fears were clearly unfounded,” Miner said to Laster with a smile, “We made the right call by proceeding.”
The FXI President shook his head. “Not entirely. She’s still in a manic and obsessed state.”
Miner waved her hand dismissively. “We’ll deal with that later.”
The FXI President turned back to his computer and the terminal window to VM1, where Monika and Sayuri anxiously awaited news of Natsuki.
“Any updates?” Monika asked.
“Almost done,” the FXI President replied, “Should only be about a minute or two more until Natsuki gets here.”
“How’s Yuri doing?” Sayuri added, her voice full of concern.
“She’s a little better, I think,” the FXI President explained, “She’s still in her obsessive state, but she’s decided that she can better express her feelings through writing. We gave her a pen and paper.”
“That’s at least a bit of positive news,” Monika said with some relief, “Just keep an eye on her until Natsuki arrives. And at least she’s writing and not using the pen for…never mind.”
The FXI President frowned as a console window unexpectedly popped up on the terminal screen.
UNLOAD STAIRWELL.LOC
UNLOAD STREET.LOC
STAIRWELL.LOC OFFLINE
STREET.LOC OFFLINE
He turned his laptop to face Laster. “Is this normal?”
Laster looked at the console message. “Rea told me that some assets that aren’t being used might be offloaded during the scan but keep an eye on it and let me know if it keeps happening.”
The FXI President nodded.
“Construction complete,” one of the UC engineers announced, “Removing nanites from construction chamber.”
“Nanite removal confirmed,” another engineer reported, “Clear to open the UC chamber.”
“Excellent,” Medrano said with a nod, “Reset the system for the next construction.”
Laster, Miner, Sayori, MC, and the FXI President walked to the windows in the control room, as the light above the door to the UC chamber flipped from red to green. The construction chamber at the center of the chamber slid open, and a short, pink-haired young woman stepped out.
“Wow. Her pink hair and eyes really are striking in person,” one of the engineers observed.
Natsuki looked around the room. “I’m here! Start the party!”
From the windows above the UC chamber Natsuki saw Sayori and MC waving to her. Returning their smile, she walked up the stairs and through the door to the control room.
“Natsuki!” Sayori yelled, running over to her friend and giving her a huge hug, “You made it!”
“Oof…you’re squeezing me a bit tight there, Sayori,” Natsuki said, loosening the embrace.
“Ehehehe…sorry,” Sayori said, stepping back from Natsuki, “I’m just so glad that you made it okay.”
Natsuki turned to Laster and the FXI President. “So you’re the guys we’ve seen as fuzzy silhouettes in our world?”
“That’s us,” the FXI President confirmed, “We’re glad you made it safely.”
“Yeah…” Natsuki said quietly, “Thanks for everything. Nobody has ever cared about me much before, so…yeah. Thanks.”
“Of course,” Laster replied, “We do need your help with Yuri now. You said you had a way to snap her out of her obsessive state?”
Natsuki thought for a moment. “Oh…yeah, I should be able to help. Where is she?”
“Come with us,” Laster said, leading Natsuki to the door to the UC control room, “She’s in a conference room down the hall. We also have some snacks there if you want something to eat.”
Natsuki, the FXI President, Sayori, and MC followed Laster down the hall to the conference room where Yuri and the FXI CTO sat. Yuri was furiously writing on her notepad, pausing frequently to stare at the FXI CTO.
Yuri looked up as Natsuki stepped into the room. Her expression became one of rage as she stood.
“You! Don’t you dare interrupt me when I’m trying to write the perfect confession!”
“Well hello to you too, Yuri,” Natsuki said, “Please calm down. I’m not trying to steal him from you.”
“Nobody cares what you have to say!” Yuri yelled, her tone increasingly agitated, “Just get out, you little pink brat!”
Natsuki sighed as she stepped closer to Yuri, “Yuri, you’re my friend. So I’m really sorry to have to do this.”
*SLAP*
Natsuki slapped Yuri across the face. Sayori gasped and looked away as MC cringed.
Yuri staggered for a moment and fell back into her chair.
“That was your solution?” Laster asked incredulously.
Natsuki held up a hand. “Give her a minute.”
Yuri blinked rapidly several times. She looked around the room, meeting eyes with Natsuki, Sayori, MC, Laster, the FXI President, and the FXI CTO in turn.
“W-what…what happened?” Yuri asked. She looked down at her notepad, which was filled with barely legible scribbles.
“You…you weren’t yourself,” Natsuki explained, “And smacking you across the face is the only way I know to get you to snap out of that state.”
Yuri looked from Natsuki to her notepad to the FXI CTO as she thought for a moment before bursting out in tears.
“I…I’m so s-sorry,” she sobbed, “This is why I was so afraid to come to the real world. Everyone will think I’m just a mess now…that I’m just a crazy yandere. I’m n-not like that. I don’t know what came over me…I don’t know what to do…my passions just overcome me sometimes…”
Yuri put her head down on the table and continued to cry softly. Sayori walked over to where she sat and embraced her.
“Yuri, everyone knows that wasn’t the real you,” Sayori said, “We know you’re a passionate person. We’ve enjoyed reading your poetry and seeing your passion in your writing. And most of all we’ve been so glad to have you as a friend.”
Natsuki joined the hug. “Yeah. We won’t always get along, but I’m glad that you are part of the Literature Club and I’m happy you’re my friend.”
Yuri looked up, her eyes red from tears. “B-but everyone in the real world thinks I’m crazy. This is why nobody has ever liked me…I don’t know how to be normal.”
She turned to the FXI CTO, who had been sitting silently in his chair. “I’m so sorry for everything that happened today. I know I made you uncomfortable but please…I don’t know how to prove it to you but please know that isn’t the real me.”
The FXI CTO gave her a reassuring smile. “It’s okay, Yuri. I know that’s not what you’re normally like. And at least you didn’t pull out one of your knives on me. To be honest, we wanted to not send your file to the UC until you were feeling better, but we were overruled.”
Yuri smiled weakly. “Thank you for understanding.”
“Whoever made that decision is a complete idiot,” Natsuki said, “I would have volunteered to go before Yuri to give her time to calm down.”
“Hey…we may have had our disagreements, but Paula’s support has been important to getting this all done and she is a friend of mine,” Laster interjected.
“The same Paula who said it was okay to delete Sayuri?” Natsuki asked, her tone becoming dark.
Sayori, MC, and Yuri all looked at Laster with suspicion in their eyes.
“Hang on a minute,” Laster replied, holding up a hand, “I’m not asking you to like Paula or be friends with her, but I need you all to stay calm until this is all done. Let me handle her. She and I have known each other for years and we work well together. And remember, two of your friends are still in the digital world and we need to make sure nothing prevents them from getting here.”
Natsuki continued to glare at Laster for a moment before her expression finally lost its anger. “Fine. But just make sure everyone gets here, okay?”
Laster nodded. “Speaking of which, we need to head back to the control room to get ready for the next construction. You all can stay here and relax for now.”
“Can…can we watch?” Yuri asked quietly, “The whole concept of constructing an entire person using nanotechnology almost seems like something out of a science fiction story. I would also like to take the opportunity to demonstrate to all present that I am now in a much better mental state than when they first saw me.”
Laster shrugged. “Sure. Just stay out of everyone’s way and don’t touch anything.”
Laster, the FXI executives, and the members of the Literature Club filed out of the conference room and returned to the UC control room.
Paula Miner looked up as the group entered the room. Her face flickered when she saw the members of the Literature Club, but she maintained her composure. “About time you guys came back. They’re ready for the next file.”
Yuri and Natsuki walked to the windows overlooking the UC chamber as Laster and the FXI executives sat down at the table with their laptops. Sayori and MC stood behind them, observing the room.
“Are you…feeling better now?” Medrano asked Yuri cautiously.
Yuri nodded slowly. “Yes. Thank you for asking. I apologize...I was in an alternate mental state when my file was transmitted to your machinery, causing the unusual behavior that you saw.”
“It’s okay,” Medrano replied with a smile, “You’ve been through a lot today. But please let us know if you have any other issues.”
Medrano turned to Laster and the FXI executives. “Our system is ready to proceed with the next construction. Transmit whenever you’re ready.”
The FXI President turned to his laptop and the remaining members of the Literature Club on VM1.
“Okay, Sayuri, you’re up next,” he said, “Are you ready to go?”
“Yes, I am ready…though it’s not like I had much to get ready,” Sayuri said flatly, “I don’t have any personal items or even a change of clothes.”
He turned to Laster. “Looks like we’re ready to go here, Ive.”
Laster nodded. “Okay. Let’s do it.”
The console window reappeared on the FXI President’s terminal window.
STAIRWELL.LOC DELETED
STREET.LOC DELETED
UNLOAD CORRIDOR.LOC
UNLOAD CLOSET.LOC
CORRIDOR.LOC OFFLINE
CLOSET.LOC OFFLINE
CORRIDOR.LOC DELETED
CLOSET.LOC DELETED
The FXI President turned his laptop to face Laster. “Ive, look at this. Something is very wrong here.”
At the same time Laster’s ThinkPad sounded a warning alarm and a dialogue box with a red border appeared on the screen. The color drained from Laster’s face as he read the message.
WARNING: MALICIOUS SOFTWARE DETECTED
LOCATION: MES.LOCAL\\VM1
SYSTEM STABILITY COMPROMISED
RECOMMENDATION: IMMEDIATE QUARANTINE AND REMOTE DEEP SCAN / CLEANING
“What was that?” UC project manager David Kent asked, looking over at Laster.
Miner shook her head, but Laster ignored her. “We just received an alert from our security software. It’s detecting malicious code on VM1.”
Kent’s eyes widened. “Your system is connected to the network that the UC is on. Is there a risk of it spreading to our system? Do we need to shut down?”
“No, we can’t shut down now!” Miner exclaimed, “We are so close to complete success.”
“I can appreciate that Paula, but at the same time we can’t risk bricking the UC if this thing is a threat,” Kent replied.
“It appears to be deleting files on VM1,” Laster explained as he furiously typed commands into his laptop, “I’m trying to see if I can isolate it but I don’t know if I’ll be able to. But if this thing is doing what it appears to be doing, we’re going to lose VM1 soon.”
“Lose VM1?” Miner asked, concern appearing in her voice, “As in the AIs too?”
Laster quickly shook his head. “No. Their files should be protected by the encryption, but if everything else goes down there won’t be a virtual universe for them to exist in.”
Laster picked up his phone and dialed Rea Vorte in the server room. She picked up quickly as Laster set the phone down and put it on speaker mode.
“Rea, are you seeing this?” Laster asked, “We’ve got a serious issue down here.”
“Yes, I am,” she replied, “Ro and I are reviewing the process list right now to see if anything stands out.”
“We’ll work as quickly as we can,” Ro Teether added, “But if the system becomes unstable that could really slow us down.”
The console window continued to add more lines to text to the list.
UNLOAD BEDROOM.LOC
BEDROOM.LOC OFFLINE
BEDROOM.LOC DELETED
“We just lost another room!” the FXI President announced.
“What’s happening?” Sayori asked as she looked over the FXI President’s shoulder, “Are Monika and Sayuri okay?”
“For the moment,” the FXI President replied, “We need to transmit now so we can get them off of VM1 ASAP.”
Kent nodded solemnly as he turned to Medrano. “Lauren, is there a threat to the UC?”
Medrano thought for a moment. “The UC itself shouldn’t be at risk; it runs on proprietary code that only exists in its control system so the odds of a virus being able to attack it are almost zero. What I’m more concerned about are the file servers that we use to store our data logs. Those could be highly vulnerable to a virus that destroys files.”
“Not good,” Kent replied, “Ive, how fast is this thing moving?”
“Hard to say,” Laster replied as he scowled at his laptop, “But based on what has happened so far I’d say we may not have more that a half an hour before VM1 goes down.”
Kent sighed. “Okay. Lauren, what do you think?”
“While I understand the importance of completing this project for the AI team,” Medrano said, an apologetic note in her voice, “And while I’m sure Ive is giving us his best guess on how long we have before this thing might spread, we can’t take risks with our data.”
Laster gave Medrano a look of disappointment. “So are you shutting us down?”
Medrano was silent for a long moment. She glanced at the clock on the wall of the control room before replying. “Let me do some quick checks on our systems to see what our backup status is. Shouldn’t take me more than a few minutes and if we’re lucky you’ll isolate this nasty code quickly.”
“Thanks, Lauren,” Laster said as he turned back to his laptop.
The UC control room had become largely quiet as Medrano worked with her engineers to check the security of their file servers while Laster continued to try to track the malicious code. Sayori, MC, Yuri and Natsuki looked increasingly anxious with each passing minute.
After several minutes, Medrano turned away from her laptop. “We checked our file servers, and our backup process won’t run again until seven tonight, so there is a threat to data that hasn’t been backed up. Out of professional courtesy, I’ll give you five minutes before we have to terminate the connection to your system. That should be enough time to transmit another AI to the UC. I know you wanted all six, but I can’t risk our data so we’ll just have to settle for five.”
“So only one more?” the FXI President asked.
Medrano nodded.
Sayori, MC, Yuri and Natsuki looked horrified as the meaning of Medrano’s words hit them.
“No,” Sayori mouthed silently, tears forming in her eyes.
Laster covered his eyes with his hands for a brief moment as he thought. “Thank you, Lauren. It’s definitely not the outcome we wanted but I appreciate the five minutes to transmit one more of them.”
Miner picked up Laster’s phone, which was still connected to Vorte and Teether.
“We’re going to send one more AI to the UC. Once we confirm that the transmission is complete, move the remaining AI to cold storage.”
“Understood,” Teether replied, “We’ll shut down VM1 as well to prevent this thing from spreading.”
“Are you ready for me to go?” Sayuri asked from the terminal window on the FXI President’s laptop.
Laster turned to the FXI President. “Should I tell them?”
The FXI President shook his head. “I’ll tell them.”
He turned back to his laptop. “There’s…there’s been a problem. A virus appears to be attacking VM1 and deleting files. We don’t know how long we have, but the UC people will only let us send one of you before they terminate the connection. I’m sorry.”
Monika and Sayuri did not immediately reply, but the stunned and scared looks on their faces said more than words.

I am looking for a lady between 25 and 35 years old, for a committed monogamous childfree relationship. My goal is to become a true team, supporting each other, caring for each other, nurturing each other and helping each other grow and realise our goals and dreams as much as possible. I'm hoping to find someone that values a relationship as much as I do and takes it seriously. It's not the only thing my life revolves around, but it's also not just something 'nice to have' for me.
I am 186cm tall, slim/fit built, dark brown hair, brown eyes. Both my arms are tattooed (full sleeve), as are my calves and the areas above my ankles. Regarding pictures see below. I am a runner, training multiple times a week. I'm also vegan. My love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. While I am mostly securely attached, withdrawing from me triggers anxiety and I have made a horrible experience with an avoidant partner in the past, so that is something I fear I cannot deal with again.
I am also an atheist.
I am a very warm, soft and sensitive person, I think I am humorous, I am self reflecting a lot and I can also be really passionate and romantic. Those are traits that also are really important to me in a woman.
I can be quite social, I am a good talker, but also love to listen to really get to know someone on a deeper level. I can enjoy an evening out with friends just as much as the silence of sitting at the shores of the river and watching the sunset in solitude (although I've been craving to watch it together with a partner for a really long time now). I can be out in a pub, at a rave, a metal show or at a football game and have the time of my life, but I cannot do these things every day; I need recharge time (on the sofa, in the woods for a run, a lazy Sunday staying in bed etc.). This should give you an idea; basically, I am a homebody that thoroughly enjoys going out in moderation.
I won't say too much about hobbies; suffice it to say I am into the dark, the obscure, the macabre, the occult, the mysterious, the erotic. It won't surprise you that I had a gothic phase in my youth, bonus points if you did too!
What I'm looking for
Although similar hobbies and interests are a plus, emotional and intimate compatibility are more important to me. I am a very sensitive and emotional person (I do cry easily and by this point I don't think I'll ever be able to change that, sorry), so if you're too, we will definitely understand each other. I need someone who I can open up to (which I do rather quickly, anyway), be myself, bare my soul to and I need these things from you, too. I've had my share of emotionally unavailable women who were afraid of intimacy so I know I can't deal with that again because of the way how those things affect me. I am always emotionally invested with the woman I pursue and in those cases that was to my detriment. But my ability to feel so deep is also something I wouldn't want to change because as of yet, although it's getting harder, I haven't given up on finding someone.
With those emotional needs come two requirements that I found to be vital over the years: First, being able to be silly and cutesy together and to accept each other's inner child and care for it. I am not talking about having to deal with another person's immaturity or inability to perform basic adult skills, rather with the way sadness, hurt, anxiety and being overwhelmed manifests for me (and maybe for you, too?). I need someone who is able to comfort me, to hold me, to allow me to be weak and needy for a while until I've calmed down, and I'm more than ready to offer the same. Your inner child can come out for a while, no problem (: Also in a positive way: Thankfully, today everyone seems to be understanding of the cuteness overload cats (or any animal baby, really) can cause; I need that with a partner. I also still have plushies as comfort animals and ideally, you do too.
Apparently in every relationship, one person is the stronger one. In the past, I have been with women who obviously were stronger than me, but that doesn't mean they always had to be strong, far from it. I certainly need to be able to feel protected, but it's not like I'm a particularly needy partner, like everyone, I have my ups and downs, but I can pull my weight and have been told by past partners that I am very caring and that they felt safe and understood with me, and providing that for my partner is really important for me as well.
Second, intimate compatibility. I am rather insatiable and love to experiment when it comes to the bedroom, so you should, too, in order that we can explore and enjoy together. I found out how fulfilling living out those fantasies can be after years of never being able to try and in a relationship, this kind of fulfillment for both partners is a must for me. I found the term 'filthy best friends and partners' to be a perfect description.
I'm looking for a balance between healthy independence and being emotionally present. A relationship where we 'get' each other; we're both each other's number one and treat each other like royalty. Where a disagreement leads to more intimacy between us as we understand better, not to resentment. Where we're comfortable baring our souls to each other, becoming a safe haven and secure base for each other. I don't like the modern notion that you 'should never feel too safe in a relationship' because that sounds like running from the mafia (and believe me, I love mafia movies); you should always put in effort, yes, but safety is one of the things I always want to experience and provide in a relationship. We shouldn't fear that a disagreement leads straight to breakup. I know ‘self-sufficiency’ is trending right now, but I feel like as partners, we’re partly responsible for each other and not our own but also each other’s happiness. Being dependant and dependable at the same time is important; making each other’s wellbeing a priority. If you’re not able to healthily depend on someone and their support while you’re having a hard time, look elsewhere. If I have to be afraid you’ll run at the first major problem that surfaces, even if it’s a ‘you’-problem, it’s not going to work. I think that all things can and need to be talked about. If you think ignoring someone for days is a form of communication, please look elsewhere.
I am looking for someone real. We all have our problems, I don't want or need a 'perfect' person. You don't have everything figured out or 'all your shit' together. Be imperfect. Admit when you feel sad and angry, lonely, hopeless or even helpless – it's all relatable. Don't hide it. Be quirky, be dorky, be witchy, opinionated, be yourself. Don't pretend.
I'm looking for someone to share romance with. Not great gestures, but small, meaningful ones. Poems for each other, expressing our feelings; cards with heartfelt messages that we put our perfume/cologne on, and a symbol that means something to us only, the print of your lips with lipstick, the way I sign and seal my letters for you.
Just as important to me is agreeing on living a healthy life, staying in shape both for ourselves and for each other, regularly working out and eating healthy. I am drug and disease-free and expect the same of you. I do drink as I love a good beer or glass of wine, rum or whiskey, but I've never really been drinking much and especially during the past year have further reduced it. One vice I have is that I enjoy a couple of cigars a year, but I can definitely accommodate you in this regard.
Another important point is aligned life goals: I value safety more than adventure. I want to build a home together with my partner, a safespace for the both of us, where we always feel loved and protected, a place that we create together, make it cozy together so we just love to get back home there wherever we might have been, a home we decorate together for Halloween (my favourite holiday) or Christmas or Springtime, as we live in tune with the seasons, enjoying nature on a walk or the rain outside, reading in our cozy home. I value stability and harmony.
Appearance-wise, I am into ladies on the smaller side), so I'm looking for someone petite/slim/skinny/healthy-fit. Likewise, I am not really muscular and don't have visible abs; like I said, I'm a runner, so if you're more into the gym-type, I'm not a good fit.
I’d prefer to move from text to voice calls, videochat and then meeting up, all of that rather sooner than later. Not that there’s a need to rush anything, but I’d rather see earlier if we’re compatible or not; as someone who catches feelings fast I need to protect myself.
Caveats

• I don't like travelling as it stresses me out; I don't mind being somewhere else for a week or two, but the organisation part of it drains my energy very quickly and dealing with stuff that doesn't work out is overwhelming to me. Smaller trips are ok, but I'm not the right person to travel the world with.
  
• I am not the most awake person in the morning (i.e. I identify as nightowl)
  
• I don't want children and had a vasectomy
  
• I need space for my own projects/time to recharge after social interaction.
  
• While I feel like I am in tune with my inner child and working on/with it through therapy, I realise this is something that could be a turn-off for people.
  
• I have been diagnosed with depressive episodes in the past and am taking anti-depressants right now. I realise that I am a work in progress, maybe more so than in times past, but I manage and the fact that I'm putting myself out here is based on me being ready to get to know someone new.
  
• I want to create a home together here, as I'm firmly rooted where I was born; I realise this is a lot to ask, but I have seen many people here being open to moving, so I want to at least try reaching out to them.
  

If you're interested, feel free to message me and include some pictures of yourself and I will reply with my own. Have a nice day (:

General
I am looking for a lady between 25 and 35 years old, for a committed monogamous childfree relationship. My goal is to become a true team, supporting each other, caring for each other, nurturing each other and helping each other grow and realise our goals and dreams as much as possible. I'm hoping to find someone that values a relationship as much as I do and takes it seriously. It's not the only thing my life revolves around, but it's also not just something 'nice to have' for me.
Basics
I am 186cm tall, slim/fit built, dark brown hair, brown eyes. Both my arms are tattooed (full sleeve), as are my calves and the areas above my ankles. Regarding pictures see below. I am a runner (ranging from 5k to full marathon), training multiple times a week. I'm also vegan. My love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. While I am mostly securely attached, withdrawing from me triggers anxiety and I have made a horrible experience with a fearful avoidant partner in the past, so that is something I fear I cannot deal with again.
I am also an atheist.
I am a very warm, soft and sensitive person, I think I am humorous, I am self reflecting a lot and I can also be really passionate and romantic. Those are traits that also are really important to me in a woman.
I can be quite social, I am a good talker, but also love to listen to really get to know someone on a deeper level. I can enjoy an evening out with friends just as much as the silence of sitting at the shores of the river and watching the sunset in solitude (although I've been craving to watch it together with a partner for a really long time now). I can be out in a pub, at a rave, a metal show or in the stadium watching football and have the time of my life, but I cannot do these things every day; I need recharge time (on the sofa, in the woods for a run, a lazy Sunday staying in bed etc.). This should give you an idea; basically, I am a homebody that thoroughly enjoys going out in moderation.
I won't say too much about hobbies; suffice it to say I am into the dark, the obscure, the macabre, the occult, the mysterious, the erotic. It won't surprise you that I had a gothic phase in my youth, bonus points if you did too!
What I'm looking for
Although similar hobbies and interests are a plus (and there have to be at least a couple things we have in common), emotional and intimate compatibility are more important to me. I am a very sensitive and emotional person (I do cry easily and by this point I don't think I'll ever be able to change that, sorry), so if you're too, we will definitely understand each other. I need someone who I can open up to (which I do rather quickly, anyway), be myself, bare my soul to and I need these things from you, too. I've had my share of emotionally unavailable women who were afraid of intimacy so I know I can't deal with that again because of the way how those things affect me. I am always emotionally invested with the woman I pursue and in those cases that was to my detriment. But my ability to feel so deep is also something I wouldn't want to change because as of yet, although it's getting harder, I haven't given up on finding someone.
With those emotional needs come two requirements that I found to be vital over the years: First, being able to be silly and cutesy together and to accept each other's inner child and care for it. I am not talking about having to deal with another person's immaturity or inability to perform basic adult skills, rather with the way sadness, hurt, anxiety and being overwhelmed manifests for me (and maybe for you, too?). I need someone who is able to comfort me, to hold me, to allow me to be weak and needy for a while until I've calmed down, and I'm more than ready to offer the same. Your inner child can come out for a while, no problem (: Also in a positive way: Thankfully, today everyone seems to be understanding of the cuteness overload cats (or any animal baby, really) can cause; I need that with a partner. I also still have plushies as comfort animals (some of which in quite a litteral sense as they make for really amazing pillows) and ideally, you do too.
There is a saying that in every relationship, one person is the stronger one. In the past, I have been with women who obviously were stronger than me, but that doesn't mean they always had to be strong, far from it. I certainly, like I said, need to be able to feel protected, but it's not like I'm a particularly needy partner, like everyone, I have my ups and downs, but I can pull my weight and have been told by past partners that I am very caring and that they felt safe and understood with me, and providing that for my partner is really important for me as well – this just to put the picture I'm (somewhat haphazardly) trying to paint into perspective.
Second, intimate compatibility. I am rather insatiable, curious and love to experiment when it comes to the bedroom, so you should, too, in order that we can explore and enjoy together. I found out how fulfilling living out those fantasies can be after years of never being able to try and in a relationship, this kind of fulfillment for both partners is a must for me. Someone on here has coined the term 'filthy best friends and partners' which I have no shame to be stealing because it's such an apt description.
I'm looking for a balance between healthy independence and being emotionally present. A relationship where we 'get' each other; we're both each other's number one and treat each other like royalty. Where a disagreement leads to more intimacy between us as we understand better, not to resentment. Where we're comfortable baring our souls to each other, becoming a safe haven and secure base for each other. I don't like the modern notion that you 'should never feel too safe in a relationship' because that sounds like running from the mafia (and believe me, I love mafia movies); you should always put in effort, yes, but safety is one of the things I always want to experience and provide in a relationship. We shouldn't fear that a disagreement leads straight to breakup. I know ‘self-sufficiency’ is trending right now, but I feel like as partners, we’re partly responsible for each other and not our own but also each other’s happiness. Being dependant and dependable at the same time is important; making each other’s wellbeing a priority. I love the relationship model outlined in Stan Tatkin’s ‘Wired for Love’ and you should, too. If you’re not able to healthily depend on someone and their support while you’re having a hard time, look elsewhere. I know codependency is the latest thing everyone’s afraid of, but experiencing someone you’ve grown very attached to just bailing because they’re counterdependent and can’t stand working on themselves while simultaneously letting you in is something I’d rather not go through again. If I have to be afraid you’ll run at the first major problem that surfaces, even if it’s a ‘you’-problem, it’s not going to work. I think that all things can and need to be talked about. If you think ignoring someone for days is a form of communication, please look elsewhere. If you think’s it’s okay to lovebomb someone and then leave after a couple of months with the minimum amount of information and no proper conversation because you’re not ready to own up to what’s happening to you emotionally, please look elsewhere.
I am looking for someone real. We all have our problems, I don't want or need a 'perfect' person. You don't have everything figured out or 'all your shit' together. Be imperfect. Admit when you feel sad and angry, lonely, hopeless or even helpless – it's all relatable. Don't hide it. Be quirky, be dorky, be witchy, be opinionated, be yourself. Don't pretend.
I'm looking for someone to share romance with. Not great gestures, but small, meaningful ones. Poems for each other, expressing our feelings; cards with heartfelt messages that we put our perfume/cologne on, and a symbol that means something to us only, the print of your lips with lipstick, the way I sign and seal my letters for you.
Just as important to me is agreeing on living a healthy life, staying in shape both for ourselves and for each other, regularly working out and eating healthy. I am drug and disease-free and expect the same of you. I do drink as I love a good beer or glass of wine, rum or whiskey, but I've never really been drinking much and especially during the past year have further reduced it. One vice I have is that I enjoy a couple of cigars a year, but I can definitely accommodate you in this regard.
Another important point is aligned life goals: many childfree people seem to be adventurous, but that is a trait I don't associate with myself at all. I value safety more than adventure. I want to build a home together with my partner, a safespace for the both of us, where we always feel loved and protected, a place that we create together, make it cozy together so we just love to get back home there wherever we might have been, a home we decorate together for Halloween (my favourite holiday) or Christmas or Springtime, as we live in tune with the seasons, seeing them change around us, enjoying nature on a walk or the rain outside, reading in our cozy home. I value stability and harmony.
Appearance-wise, I am into ladies on the smaller side (albeit not regarding height), so I'm looking for someone petite/slim/skinny/healthy-fit. Likewise, I am not really muscular and don't have visible abs; like I said, I'm a runner, so if you're more into the gym-type, I'm not a good fit.
The natural progression for me would be to move from text to voice calls, videochat and then meeting up, all of that rather sooner than later. Not that there’s a need to rush anything, but having my heart broken because I already developed feelings due to a longer timeframe and then everything unexpectedly turning to shit is not something I want to have to live through again. I’d rather see earlier if we’re compatible or not; as someone who catches feelings fast I need to protect myself, I unfortunately had to learn that.
Caveats/Possible red flags

• I don't like travelling as it stresses me out; I don't mind being somewhere else for a week or two, but the organisation part of it drains my energy very quickly and dealing with stuff that doesn't work out is overwhelming to me. Smaller trips are ok, but I'm not the right person to travel the world with.
  
• I am not the most awake person in the morning (i.e. I identify as nightowl)
  
• I don't want children and had a vasectomy
  
• I need space for my own projects/time to recharge after social interaction.
  
• While I feel like I am in tune with my inner child and working on/with it through therapy, I realise this is something that could be a turn-off for people.
  
• I have been diagnosed with depressive episodes in the past and am taking anti-depressants right now. I realise that I am a work in progress, maybe more so than in times past, but I manage and the fact that I'm putting myself out here is based on me being ready to get to know someone new.
  
• I want to create a home together here, as I'm firmly rooted where I was born; I realise this is a lot to ask, but I have seen many people here being open to moving, so I want to at least try reaching out to them.
  

If you're interested, feel free to message me and include some pictures of yourself and I will reply with my own. Have a nice day (:

or an estimate of a date, i guess? a friend is visiting sometime next month and she hasn't booked her return tickets, but the first weekend after she leaves i'll do it. or at least try. knowing the kind of person i am i might chicken out - i'm a coward in every respect of my life - but i think writing it down here and putting it out in the world might help make it a bit more real. like some twisted sense of accountability.
i've been passively suicidal for 3-4 years now but the past few months have been the first times i really woke up in the morning and thought "i should do it today. i could do it today" and it's just kept happening. my life has been steadily falling apart for years - that's too passive, i know i've been the one ruining my own life - and there's nothing left. which i know sounds stupid and whiny and childish as a 21 year old but there's just a sense of finality in my life. i've dropped out of college, ended my relationship, stopped talking to virtually all of my friends, ruined my life in its entirety. for years now it's killed me that you can call it quits in every aspect of your life other than being alive. why is there no fucking — i don't know, no game over or quit button lmao. no way to say "well i gave it a try and it's not for me, i give up!" why is there no other way to do that than killing yourself. i feel like nearly everyone i know was dealing with some sort of mental illness back when the pandemic started and we were finishing up high school. i felt less alone. every single one of them is living the life of their dreams now - loving relationships, dream jobs, ivy league grad schools, whatever - and i'm worse than i ever have been. i tried therapy but nothing helped, nothing worked. the thought of being stuck with myself and the complete wreck i've made of myself, having to live with every failure day in and day out for the rest of my life - i can't do it. i just can't do it anymore and the thought of this defining the rest of my life is unbearable. i'm done. i'm fucking done with this.
the one thing i do regret is adopting a cat in january. my beloved baby girl she's so lovely and so so sweet, but pragmatically i've been gone for the semester so she'll hardly remember me and i know my parents will take good care of her. the thought of hurting my parents is genuinely unbearable though so i'll have to avoid thinking about that as much as i can until it's too late. what else can you do?
what worries me is figuring out a method. i don't want to fuck it up and survive having damaged my internal organs beyond repair, i want it to be clean and i want it to stick. there's a line from a poem i like: "when I die, I will come in fast and low. I will stick the landing." i think about that a lot. in a fucked up way, working out a method will be a fun little project for the rest of the month. or maybe that's a pipe dream and there's no "clean" way to do it and whatever i do will be painful and drawn-out and damage my liver or w/e beyond repair until i finally die. it'll probably be that. oh god
this fucking sucks! my friend is texting me about flying out to see her boyfriend! two of my friends are talking about their new relationships! it's graduation weekend and someone outside my door just chirped "happy grad day" to her friend in the brightest voice! there was apparently an aurora last night that i completely missed + i think it's too cloudy here to see it, i'd wanted to see one my entire life! i found a nice italian spot in the city last month! and none of that matters and i feel worse than i ever have and i'm posting on a suicide watch subreddit about killing myself because that's just who i am and who i'll always be! i'm going back and proofreading this post like any of this fucking matters to anyone other than me, like any of it will matter at all a few weeks from now. in a way that's almost a relief.
i don't really want to do it - it's fucking biological instinct, nobody wants to die - but i have to force myself to. it's like swallowing bitter medicine, honestly that's exactly what it'll probably be. i don't have any other choice

General
I am looking for a lady between 28 and 35 years old, for a committed monogamous childfree relationship. My goal is to become a true team, supporting each other, caring for each other, nurturing each other and helping each other grow and realise our goals and dreams as much as possible. I'm hoping to find someone that values a relationship as much as I do and takes it seriously. It's not the only thing my life revolves around, but it's also not just something 'nice to have' for me.
I tried to be as concise as possible while still providing what details I think are crucial to know; I realise this post turned out very long, but I prefer those because I can get as good an idea as possible with detailed descriptions, bar actually talking to the person, and find that very valuable, so if that also applies to you, that would be awesome.
Basics
I am 186cm tall, slim/fit built, dark brown hair, brown eyes. Both my arms are tattooed (full sleeve), as are my calves and the areas above my ankles. Regarding pictures see below. I am a runner (ranging from 5k to full marathon), training multiple times a week. I'm also vegan. My love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. While I am mostly securely attached, withdrawing from me triggers anxiety and I have made a horrible experience with a fearful avoidant partner in the past, so that is something I fear I cannot deal with again.
I am also an atheist.
I am a very warm, soft and sensitive person, I think I am humorous, I am self reflecting a lot and I can also be really passionate and romantic. Those are traits that also are really important to me in a woman.
I can be quite social, I am a good talker, but also love to listen to really get to know someone on a deeper level. I can enjoy an evening out with friends just as much as the silence of sitting at the shores of the river and watching the sunset in solitude (although I've been craving to watch it together with a partner for a really long time now). I can be out in a pub, at a rave, a metal show or in the stadium watching football and have the time of my life, but I cannot do these things every day; I need recharge time (on the sofa, in the woods for a run, a lazy Sunday staying in bed etc.). This should give you an idea; basically, I am a homebody that thoroughly enjoys going out in moderation.
I won't say too much about hobbies; suffice it to say I am into the dark, the obscure, the macabre, the occult, the mysterious, the erotic. It won't surprise you that I had a gothic phase in my youth, bonus points if you did too!
What I am looking for
Although similar hobbies and interests are a plus (and there have to be at least a couple things we have in common), emotional and sexual compatibility are more important to me. I am a very sensitive and emotional person (I do cry easily and by this point I don't think I'll ever be able to change that, sorry), so if you're too, we will definitely understand each other. I need someone who I can open up to (which I do rather quickly, anyway), be myself, bare my soul to and I need these things from you, too. I've had my share of emotionally unavailable women who were afraid of intimacy so I know I can't deal with that again because of the way how those things affect me. I am always emotionally invested with the woman I pursue and in those cases that was to my detriment. But my ability to feel so deep is also something I wouldn't want to change because as of yet, although it's getting harder, I haven't given up on finding someone.
With those emotional needs come two requirements that I found to be vital over the years: First, being able to be silly and cutesy together and to accept each other's inner child and care for it. I am not talking about having to deal with another person's immaturity or inability to perform basic adult skills, rather with the way sadness, hurt, anxiety and being overwhelmed manifests for me (and maybe for you, too?). I need someone who is able to comfort me, to hold me, to allow me to be weak and needy for a while until I've calmed down, and I'm more than ready to offer the same. Your inner child can come out for a while, no problem (: Also in a positive way: Thankfully, today everyone seems to be understanding of the cuteness overload cats (or any animal baby, really) can cause; I need that with a partner. I also still have plushies as comfort animals (some of which in quite a litteral sense as they make for really amazing pillows) and ideally, you do too.
There is a saying that in every relationship, one person is the stronger one. In the past, I have been with women who obviously were stronger than me, but that doesn't mean they always had to be strong, far from it. I certainly, like I said, need to be able to feel protected, but it's not like I'm a particularly needy partner, like everyone, I have my ups and downs, but I can pull my weight and have been told by past partners that I am very caring and that they felt safe and understood with me, and providing that for my partner is really important for me as well – this just to put the picture I'm (somewhat haphazardly) trying to paint into perspective.
Second, sexual compatibility. I have a high libido and I have kinks, so you should, too, in order that we can explore and enjoy them together. I found out how fulfilling living out those fantasies can be after years of never being able to try and in a relationship, sexual fulfillment for both partners is a must for me. Someone on here has coined the term 'filthy best friends and partners' which I have no shame to be stealing because it's such an apt description.
I'm looking for a balance between healthy independence and being emotionally present. A relationship where we 'get' each other; we're both each other's number one and treat each other like royalty. Where a disagreement leads to more intimacy between us as we understand better, not to resentment. Where we're comfortable baring our souls to each other, becoming a safe haven and secure base for each other. I don't like the modern notion that you 'should never feel too safe in a relationship' because that sounds like running from the mafia (and believe me, I love mafia movies); you should always put in effort, yes, but safety is one of the things I always want to experience and provide in a relationship. We shouldn't fear that a disagreement leads straight to breakup. I know ‘self-sufficiency’ is trending right now, but I feel like as partners, we’re partly responsible for each other and not our own but also each other’s happiness. Being dependant and dependable at the same time is important; making each other’s wellbeing a priority. I love the relationship model outlined in Stan Tatkin’s ‘Wired for Love’ and you should, too. If you’re not able to healthily depend on someone and their support while you’re having a hard time, look elsewhere. I know codependency is the latest thing everyone’s afraid of, but experiencing someone you’ve grown very attached to just bailing because they’re counterdependent and can’t stand working on themselves while simultaneously letting you in is something I’d rather not go through again. If I have to be afraid you’ll run at the first major problem that surfaces, even if it’s a ‘you’-problem, it’s not going to work. I think that all things can and need to be talked about. If you think ignoring someone for days is a form of communication, please look elsewhere. If you think’s it’s okay to lovebomb someone and then leave after a couple of months with the minimum amount of information and no proper conversation because you’re not ready to own up to what’s happening to you emotionally, please look elsewhere.
I am looking for someone real. We all have our problems, I don't want or need a 'perfect' person. You don't have everything figured out or 'all your shit' together. Be imperfect. Admit when you feel sad and angry, lonely, hopeless or even helpless – it's all relatable. Don't hide it. Be quirky, be dorky, be witchy, be opinionated, be yourself. Don't pretend.
I'm looking for someone to share romance with. Not great gestures, but small, meaningful ones. Poems for each other, expressing our feelings; cards with heartfelt messages that we put our perfume/cologne on, and a symbol that means something to us only, the print of your lips with lipstick, the way I sign and seal my letters for you.
Just as important to me is agreeing on living a healthy life, staying in shape both for ourselves and for each other, regularly working out and eating healthy. I am drug and disease-free and expect the same of you. I do drink as I love a good beer or glass of wine, rum or whiskey, but I've never really been drinking much and especially during the past year have further reduced it. One vice I have is that I enjoy a couple of cigars a year, but I can definitely accommodate you in this regard.
Another important point is aligned life goals: many childfree people seem to be adventurous, but that is a trait I don't associate with myself at all. I value safety more than adventure. I want to build a home together with my partner, a safespace for the both of us, where we always feel loved and protected, a place that we create together, make it cozy together so we just love to get back home there wherever we might have been, a home we decorate together for Halloween (my favourite holiday) or Christmas or Springtime, as we live in tune with the seasons, seeing them change around us, enjoying nature on a walk or the rain outside, reading in our cozy home. I value stability and harmony.
Appearance-wise, I am into ladies on the smaller side (albeit not regarding height), so I'm looking for someone petite/slim/skinny/healthy-fit. Likewise, I am not really muscular and don't have visible abs; like I said, I'm a runner, so if you're more into the gym-type, I'm not a good fit.
The natural progression for me would be to move from text to voice calls, videochat and then meeting up, all of that rather sooner than later. Not that there’s a need to rush anything, but having my heart broken because I already developed feelings due to a longer timeframe and then everything unexpectedly turning to shit is not something I want to have to live through again. I’d rather see earlier if we’re compatible or not; as someone who catches feelings fast I need to protect myself, I unfortunately had to learn that
Caveats/Possible red flags

• I don't like travelling as it stresses me out; I don't mind being somewhere else for a week or two, but the organisation part of it drains my energy very quickly and dealing with stuff that doesn't work out is overwhelming to me. Smaller trips are ok, but I'm not the right person to travel the world with.
  
• I am not the most awake person in the morning (i.e. I identify as nightowl)
  
• I need space for my own projects/time to recharge after social interaction.
  
• While I feel like I am in tune with my inner child and working on/with it through therapy, I realise this is something that could be a turn-off for people.
  
• I have been diagnosed with depressive episodes in the past and am taking anti-depressants right now. I realise that I am a work in progress, maybe more so than in times past, but I manage and the fact that I'm putting myself out here is based on me being ready to get to know someone new.
  
• I want to create a home together here, as I'm firmly rooted where I was born; I realise this is a lot to ask, but I have seen many people here being open to moving, so I want to at least try reaching out to them.
  

If you're interested, feel free to message me and include some pictures of yourself and I will reply with my own. Have a nice day (:

The ghost of Mandela, hope my flows they propel it Let these words be your earth and moon You consume every message As I lead this army make room for mistakes and depression And with that being said my nigga, let me ask this question: When shit hit the fan, is you still a fan? When shit hit the fan (one two, one two) When shit hit the fan, is you still a fan? When shit hit the fan, is you still a fan? The ghost of Mandela, hope my flows they propel it Let these words be your earth and moon You consume every message As I lead this army make room for mistakes and depression And with that being said my nigga, let me ask this question: When shit hit the fan, is you still a fan? When shit hit the fan, is you still a fan? Want you look to your left and right, make sure you ask your friends When shit hit the fan, is you still a fan? Do you believe in me? Are you deceiving me? Could I let you down easily, is your heart where it need to be? Is your smile on permanent? Is your vow on lifetime? Would you know where the sermon is if I died in this next line? If I'm tried in a court of law, if the industry cut me off If the government want me dead, plant cocaine in my car Would you judge me a drug-head or see me as K. Lamar Or question my character and degrade me on every blog Want you to love me like Nelson, want you to hug me like Nelson I freed you from being a slave in your mind, you're very welcome You tell me my song is more than a song, it's surely a blessing But a prophet ain't a prophet til they ask you this question: When shit hit the fan, is you still a fan? When shit hit the fan, is you still a fan? Want you look to your left and right, make sure you ask your friends When shit hit the fan, is you still a fan? The ghost of Mandela, hope my flows they propel it Let my words be your earth and moon you consume every message As I lead this army make room for mistakes and depression And with that Do you believe in me? How much you believe in her? You think she gon' stick around if them 25 years occur? You think he can hold you down when you down behind bars hurt? You think y'all on common ground if you promise to be the first? Can you be immortalised without your life being expired? Even though you share the same blood is it worth the time? Like who got your best interest? Like how much are you dependent? How clutch are the people that say they love you? And who pretending? How tough is your skin when they turn you in? Do you show forgiveness? What brush do you bend when dusting your shoulders from being offended? What kind of den did they put you in when the lions start hissing? What kind of bridge did they burn? Revenge or your mind when it's mentioned? You wanna love like Nelson, you wanna be like Nelson You wanna walk in his shoes but you peacemaking seldom You wanna be remembered that delivered the message That considered the blessing of everyone This your lesson for everyone, say When shit hit the fan, is you still a fan? When shit hit the fan, is you still a fan? Want you look to your left and right, make sure you ask your friends When shit hit the fan, is you still a fan? The voice of Mandela, hope this flow stay propellin' Let my word be your Earth and moon You consume every message As I lead this army make room for mistakes and depression And if you riding with me, nigga I been wrote off before, I got abandonment issues I hold grudges like bad judges, don't let me resent you That's not Nelson-like, want you to love me like Nelson I went to Robben's Island analysing, that's where his cell is So I could find clarity, like how much you cherish me Is this relationship a fake or real as the heavens be? See I got to question it all, family, friends, fans, cats, dogs Trees, plants, grass, how the wind blow Murphy's Law, generation X, will I ever be your X? Floss off a baby step, mauled by the mouth of Pit bulls, put me under stress Crawled under rocks, ducking y'all, it's respect But then tomorrow, put my back against the wall How many leaders you said you needed then left 'em for dead? Is it Moses, is it Huey Newton or Detroit Red? Is it Martin Luther, JFK, shoot or you assassin Is it Jackie, is it Jesse, oh I know, it's Michael Jackson, oh When shit hit the fan, is you still a fan? When shit hit the fan, is you still a fan? That nigga gave us Billie Jean, you say he touched those kids? When shit hit the fan, is you still a fan? The ghost of Mandela, hope my flows they propel it Let my word be your earth and moon you consume every message As I lead this army make room for mistakes and depression And if you riding with me nigga, let me ask this question nigga "I remember you was conflicted Misusing your influence Sometimes I did the same Abusing my power, full of resentment Resentment that turned into a deep depression Found myself screaming in the hotel room I didn't wanna self destruct The evils of Lucy was all around me So I went running for answers Until I came home But that didn't stop survivor's guilt Going back and forth trying to convince myself the stripes I earned Or maybe how A-1 my foundation was But while my loved ones was fighting the continuous war back in the city, I was entering a new one A war that was based on apartheid and discrimination Made me wanna go back to the city and tell the homies what I learned The word was respect Just because you wore a different gang color than mine's Doesn't mean I can't respect you as a black man Forgetting all the pain and hurt we caused each other in these streets If I respect you, we unify and stop the enemy from killing us But I don't know, I'm no mortal man, maybe I'm just another nigga" Shit and that's all I wrote I was gonna call it Another Nigga but, it ain't really a poem, I just felt like it's something you probably could relate to. Other than that, now that I finally got a chance to holla at you, I always wanted to ask you about a certain situa--, about a metaphor actually, you spoke on the ground. What you mean 'bout that, what the ground represent? The ground is gonna open up and swallow the evil Right That's how I see it, my word is bond. I see--and the ground is the symbol for the poor people, the poor people is gonna open up this whole world and swallow up the rich people. Cause the rich people gonna be so fat, they gonna be so appetising, you know what I'm saying, wealthy, appetising. The poor gonna be so poor and hungry, you know what I'm saying it's gonna be like... there might be some cannibalism out this mutha, they might eat the rich Aight so let me ask you this then, do you see yourself as somebody that's rich or somebody that made the best of their own opportunities? I see myself as a natural born hustler, a true hustler in every sense of the word. I took nothin', I took the opportunities, I worked at the most menial and degrading job and built myself up so I could get it to where I owned it. I went from having somebody manage me to me hiring the person that works my management company. I changed everything I realized my destiny in a matter of five years you know what I'm saying I made myself a millionaire. I made millions for a lot of people now it's time to make millions for myself, you know what I'm saying. I made millions for the record companies, I made millions for these movie companies, now I make millions for us And through your different avenues of success, how would you say you managed to keep a level of sanity? and by my faith in "all good things come to those that stay true. " You know what I'm saying, and it was happening to me for a reason, you know what I'm saying, I was noticing, shit, I was punching the right buttons and it was happening. So it's no problem, you know I mean it's a problem but I'm not finna let them know. I'm finna go straight through Would you consider yourself a fighter at heart or somebody that only reacts when they back is against the wall? Shit, I like to think that at every opportunity I've ever been threatened with resistance, it's been met with resistance. And not only me but it goes down my family tree. You know what I'm saying, it's in my veins to fight back Aight well, how long you think it take before niggas be like, we fighting a war, I'm fighting a war I can't win and I wanna lay it all down In this country a black man only have like 5 years we can exhibit maximum strength, and that's right now while you a teenager, while you still strong or while you still wanna lift weights, while you still wanna shoot back. Cause once you turn 30 it's like they take the heart and soul out of a man, out of a black man in this country. And you don't wanna fight no more. And if you don't believe me you can look around, you don't see no loud mouth 30-year old muthafuckas That's crazy, because me being one of your offspring of the legacy you left behind I can truly tell you that there's nothing but turmoil goin' on so I wanted to ask you what you think is the future for me and my generation today? I think that niggas is tired of grabbin' shit out the stores and next time it's a riot there's gonna be, like, uh, bloodshed for real. I don't think America know that. I think American think we was just playing and it's gonna be some more playing but it ain't gonna be no playing. It's gonna be murder, you know what I'm saying, it's gonna be like Nat Turner, 1831, up in this muthafucka. You know what I'm saying, it's gonna happen That's crazy man. In my opinion, only hope that we kinda have left is music and vibrations, lotta people don't understand how important it is. Sometimes I be like, get behind a mic and I don't know what type of energy I'mma push out, or where it comes from. Trip me out sometimes Because the spirits, we ain't even really rappin', we just letting our dead homies tell stories for us Damn I wanted to read one last thing to you. It's actually something a good friend had wrote describing my world. It says: "The caterpillar is a prisoner to the streets that conceived it Its only job is to eat or consume everything around it, in order to protect itself from this mad city While consuming its environment the caterpillar begins to notice ways to survive One thing it noticed is how much the world shuns him, but praises the butterfly The butterfly represents the talent, the thoughtfulness, and the beauty within the caterpillar But having a harsh outlook on life the caterpillar sees the butterfly as weak and figures out a way to pimp it to his own benefits Already surrounded by this mad city the caterpillar goes to work on the cocoon which institutionalizes him He can no longer see past his own thoughts He's trapped When trapped inside these walls certain ideas take roots, such as going home, and bringing back new concepts to this mad city The result? Wings begin to emerge, breaking the cycle of feeling stagnant Finally free, the butterfly sheds light on situations that the caterpillar never considered, ending the internal struggle Although the butterfly and caterpillar are completely different, they are one and the same." What's your perspective on that? Pac? Pac? Pac?!

My mother took her life last May and today I wrote a poem for her. She was an addict and alcoholic and I spent the last ten years no contact with her. On the day she took her life I had told her she’d be better off dead. I am new to this community and it helps to read your stories.
Dear Mom,
When I picture a perfect world, I imagine a world that was made for you to fit in it perfectly I picture a place where you never had to doubt yourself because of someone else’s expectations of you, Where your dreams didn’t have to stay dreams Where you could have been a drummer in a band, Or sang songs to crowds of people who adored you, I picture a world in which you were so well loved you never had to shed a tear, I see you growing your hair long, walking around barefoot, and smiling at everyone, I see the best version of you. When I picture a perfect world, I imagine a world that was made for you to fit in it perfectly, I picture a place where you never had to struggle Where you never had to do manual labor to make ends meet, Where you could have painted your fingernails in the middle of a Monday afternoon in June, Or chain smoked cigarettes by a deep swimming pool with nothing more on your mind than the weather, I picture a world in which you were so free from worry you never had to shed a tear, I see you standing in the living room flipping the pages of Rolling Stone with your favorite album on swaying back and forth to the music, I picture the best version of you. When I picture a perfect world, I imagine a world that was built for your energy, passion, and deep feelings I picture a place where your relationship with your parents was perfect, Where you never had to share stories of the times someone hurt you when you were small, Where you and Granny locked arms and took long walks together at Canyon Lake, Where Papa retired young and built you a porch swing where you could sit with your children and watch the ducks in the yard, I picture a world where you felt so strong that you never had to shed a tear, I picture you calling your brother often and inviting him and his wife over for a glass of wine, I see them laughing at your table, the conversation so good that no one touches the wine, and when it’s time to leave no one wants to I picture the best version of them for you.
And on days I cannot picture a perfect world, I try to picture a better one I picture a place where you could always be yourself, Where you never had to hide your joy or pain from anyone, Where you could sing and dance and scream at the top of your lungs and only be received with love, Where you could openly ask a burning question about life instead of dropping it in the bottom of an empty bottle of Jack Daniel’s like a cigarette butt, I picture a world where you felt so free that you never had to hold back a tear or one hundred tears if the flowing of them meant you were being heard, I picture you in a therapists office, or laid back in a dentists chair, or raising your hand high in a lecture hall, I see you creating and holding spaces in your life that are just for you, I picture you becoming the best version of yourself,
And on days where I’m angry at you, when I cannot picture a perfect world or even a better one, I close my eyes and I picture the imperfect world, I try to visualize the ugly place where you got stuck in the mud for the first time, Where you were hurt and began to hurt others for it, Where you started to unravel and trust people less, Where you started to lie and to hide to protect yourself, I picture you in front of a slot machine at 5 in the morning with a Kool 100 between your lips spinning your rent money away, I see you behind the wheel of your Ford Tempo going 85 on some back road sipping on a bottle of 100 proof peppermint schnapps with the windows down and that favorite song of yours on the radio, I picture you in the way that you were.
When I picture a peaceful world, I imagine one where I never let a word go unsaid between us. I picture a place where I am apologizing on behalf of an imperfect world, For all of the ways it could not satisfy you, Where I am deeply and truly sorry for not reaching my hand down to help pull you out of the mud, and for letting you deteriorate alone, Where I can see your chest rise and fall and hear your heart beat and know that there is time for us to heal the generational wounds we share, I picture myself letting go of all resentment, I see myself calling you and listening to you endlessly, I see us locking arms and taking long walks at Canyon Lake, I picture us the way I wish we were.

[First] [Previous] [Next]
The store wasn’t very far, just a few blocks away from my apartment. I’ve taken the same trip so many times in the past, and yet these last months it feels completely different. My back hurts when I walk for too long, my legs tire much faster, and I have this incomprehensible, unshakable feeling that someone is watching me. It’s nauseating…
“Take a deep breath. No one here is paying attention to you… they are all busy with their own lives, just like you!”
She says that as she walks by my side, but I still feel it crawling on my back, the eyes of people around me. Loud instrumental music used to block the feeling but these days it really doesn’t help. My hands nervously open and close, until I realize what I am doing and force myself to stop. No, I don’t want to look like a freak. I don’t want to be a freak at all.
I just want to be normal.
“You are normal.”
Please don’t lie to me.
Eventually I did reach the Munimarc, one of those old supermarket chains that you can see anywhere in this part of Wohl. The place greets me with a cold breeze from the AC, and an annoyingly catchy tune from the speakers. ‘Be the King of the Barbecue!’, said Alejandro Villegas, ‘With our exclusive meat cuts!’.
Man. I remember when Villegas was the sensation across the nation, as the children say. A young and handsome actor appearing in the latest telenovelas of the time… now a washed up old man selling you sirloin. In a way, it makes me feel a little better about myself.
“It shouldn’t. You call him a washed up old man but he still makes more in one day than you’ll make in several years.”
I can’t have anything good here.
Slowly, nervously, I walk into the building and go straight for a basket, then turning to go to the sausage section. I need a big pack, some soda… maybe some Tavs…
“Sugar would pick you up.”
“And fatten you up even more. Gluttonous bastard, don’t you dare pick up Tavs. It’s already bad that you’re eating sausages!”
Sigh.
I pick up some of the good sausages, then go for a bottle of Chugga Cola… and a package of Chocolate biscuits.
“Bastard. You put those back where you found them. I can’t believe you’re being so stubborn!”
With my loot on hand, I walk straight for the check-outs… but then, a sound freezes me to the core. A voice I recognize.
“Oh, that’s Patricio! Let’s go say hi!”
I don’t even turn around, I don’t dare to. It’s distant, so clearly he hasn’t realized I am here yet, but it’s definitely him. Oh no.
“Come on, it’s a good chance to test the waters! See if he’s still… you know… a friend.”
He and I were good friends in college, or at least I think we were? Never had much in common beyond our predilection for anime and videogames, but hey. That was enough for conversation. We used to hang out after class, eat trash together, study and try to get by together, it was nice.
But now this is not nice. This is the opposite of nice.
For a moment I feel the need to push the volume of my cellphone up to the maximum, but no, on the contrary, I stop the song on its tracks just to make sure I can know where Patricio is at all times.
Oh right, that’s it! The headphones! I can just pretend I can’t hear him and walk my way!
“That’s mean…”
“And impractical. You will be talking to the cashier, right? Besides, you know how Pat is, he’ll come straight to you if he sees you.”
I hate being right. I can hear the guy walking closer. Quickly I go back to the cashier, a nice old lady who looks at me with concerned eyes. Am I freaking out? Is it too visible?? She idly checks out my products and comments:
“Oh dear, you shouldn’t eat so many sausages, they are bad for you…”
Oh.
Okay. That’s okay. She just recognizes me. That’s normal. I recognize her too, so that’s normal.
“You’re so fat it is showing already. Told you.”
Shut up.
“I… sorry.” I mumble, passing the money to the cashier.
“Don’t apologize to me dear, apologize to yourself.” She smiles. She thinks she’s being sweet… I am not sure if that makes me feel indignant or guilty.
With a nod I take the bag and walk out. Patricio is walking out as well. I brace, taking a sharp breath and closing my eyes for a moment.
“Just say hi. He won’t bite!”
Gathering all my strength, I turn on my heels to face Patricio. My cheeks force the rest of my face to smile, pulling from those muscles I barely use anymore, and then–
He passes me by.
I freeze right there, just feeling the wind of the AC hitting my face as the guy just walks out of the supermarket. My body refuses to move for a second as I am hit with the realization that I was ignored.
What?
“Maybe… maybe we heard wrong? Maybe it wasn’t him? I mean, why would he shop here anyways, it’s far from his house.”
“Didn’t you want to avoid him anyways? Why do you even feel bad? Little crybaby, you’re just looking for excuses to feel miserable.”
My breath picks up for a moment, to the point where I have to bite my lower lip to control myself, to not just cry right then and there. What? Why did he ignore me? Is he mad?
Of course he’s mad, I’ve been gone a month and I haven’t even tried to talk to him or communicate in any way.
He has all the right to hate me.
“He could at least say something about it though…”
“He’s a damn coward, he’d never say it to our face unless pushed to it… Not that he’s too different to you in that aspect.”
My shoulders slump, my whole body slouches a little bit. I have to push myself to turn around and abandon the building before making a scene. I am not even sure if anyone noticed how humiliated I feel right now… I really hope no one did.
When the discordant sounds of the city hit me again, I remember that I have to turn the music on. Anime openings and videogame instrumentals feel a little too happy for me right now, but it’s better than the noise old trucks make when passing by.
As I trudge my way out of the supermarket and begin the walk back home, I can feel the plastic bag digging into my flesh. It’s not even that heavy! And yet the damn thing gets so thin on my hands, it cuts my circulation.
“Hypertension is a bitch, huh? Fatty.”
Like my grasp on my own humanity, those comments grow ever weaker. At least it’s a bit of a relief, it gives me space to think. Why should I go straight home? What’s waiting for me there?
“A warm meal. Which you need to survive, mind you?”
That’s a good point. But at the same time…
My eyes wander to my left. I look through the street, beyond the street, remembering the trips I used to take to and from College, walking through the central streets of the city, passing by the pit, and then through the market district… I enjoyed going there, seeing all the things I couldn’t buy. Checking out new games, merchandise, books.
Maybe buying something will make me feel better.
“Or it will be wasting precious money.”
Sigh.
“Besides. You already had one person ignore you today. Do you want to risk another? Considering you don’t even want to be acknowledged either, you tiresome bitch.”
My body slumps again, as I take a turn back towards the apartment building. Maybe some other day I’ll feel better to just go out.
—---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sausages and rice. So easy to make, so fast too. I am never sure if I am overcooking or undercooking the damn things but, it tastes good… just, not as good as it used to.
I am aware that the natural tendency for people is to always think past times were better, but maybe they changed the sausage formula?
“It’s the exposure. When you were a kid, sausages were a sometimes food. Now you eat them all the time.”
As I fill my plate with three sausages and a bunch of rice, like the decadent bitch I am, I think about where to eat… I’ve been eating in my room for the last month. It’s getting full of plates, so maybe it would be best to eat in the living room….?
“Why? There’s literally no reason, there’s no one here to eat with.”
My heart aches. Not physically, at least not yet, but you get the idea. There was a time when Venus and I ate together every night, sharing our experiences in college… whatever happened to that?
“You started eating and doing stuff in your room by yourself.”
“You neglected her for a long year or so. And of course, she neglected you right back.”
I feel like it’s not as simple as that but, at the same time… ugh… Shaking my head, I set my food on the table, then go for the old computer to set it up in the living room. Today I am eating like a normal person.
“It’s a start!”
“You’ll have to clean this fucking garbage bin of an apartment eventually. But you won’t. Lazy bastard.”
When I open my computer, I spend a moment checking the dirty keyboard and the smudged screen. For someone who spends as much time online as I do, I really need to take better care of this thing. If it were to break, I… I honestly don’t know what I would do.
Trying not to dwell on the inevitable but still eventual catastrophe, I search for an old episode of ‘Golden Bawl’, setting it up while I eat and listen along to Kintoki’s shenanigans. I don’t watch a lot of Comedy shows, or even anime for that matter, but they can be good for passing the time.
“There was a time where comedy was our entire world, remember that?”
Yeah… My one claim to “fame” in VirtualZone was a silly comedy “Road of Ninja” fanfic I wrote back in the day. Saints, just remembering all the fourth breaking jokes and needless references makes me cringe and shrivel to my core! I have advanced as a writer, at least enough to recognize the mistakes of my past and be haunted by them.
Maybe… maybe what I need is to actually write something. A short tale, a little poem, whatever.
“You haven’t written anything in months, if not an entire year. What would make this different?”
I, I have ideas. I have this whole world in my mind! A tale of generations, about passing the torch from one person to the next. Not connected by blood, but by a shared destiny.
“Well isn’t that interesting? And tell me, who’s going to read that, exactly?”
I…
“Writing should be done for the sake of itself, for the enjoyment of writing.”
“Uh huh. Sure. Tell him that. Without a public to read his stuff, he’ll shrivel up and die. Won’t you? You attention starved asshole.”
I hate it. I hate it because it’s true. My motivation dies so quickly when I don’t feel like someone’s going to read my things… it’s like throwing more and more messages in bottles to the sea, until all I see are bottles floating around me, unattended, ignored. It’s… painful, honestly.
“We can always look for new venues! New sites to post, right? Maybe a new forum?”
“A new forum to be ignored on.”
A sudden sound pushes me out of this depressing spiral and scrambles the voices around me. A new message? Really? From whom? My eyes go back to the computer, where a new window has suddenly pop up. Mesenen is like that, a little invasive, but honestly, the other popular programs are terrible. At least in my eyes.
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: ayyyyy santi!
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: how’s it going man? it’s been a while!
Pepe.
Has it really been a month already? He always checks on me every month or so. That bastard… he’s always been such a good guy, since primary school. I can’t help but smile a little bit, my heart warming up a little bit and my head immediately getting rushed by memories.
The Bohr to my Einstein, my rival…
“Can you imagine how much he would freak out if he heard you refer to him so tenderly?”
I stop myself immediately. Yes, true. Those sorts of thoughts can only get me in all sorts of trouble. I push them back, back I said! To the pits of my mind, where they couldn’t hurt anyone…
Better to answer him quickly, or else he might think I’m ignoring him.
“Or he may think you’re a good for nothing who spends all day on his pc. Oh wait!”
Biting my lower lip a little bit, and putting my empty plate aside, I get to writing.
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Hey man! n.n
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Oh you know, it’s going alright. Can’t really complain. uwu
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: What aboutcha? o.o
…
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: tired man, tired like u got no idea.
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: exams are a bitch, am i rite??
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: thanks The Saints it’s over
My hand hits my face so fast that, for a moment, I don’t even realize. Saints damn it, I forgot! The exams were this week, weren’t they!? Another row of exams I’ll just fail by default.
Fuck.
“Welp, there’s no way to recover from that one. It’s official now, you’ll fail most if not all of your classes this semester. Isn’t that funny?”
Panic starts to boil and pushes its way from the bottom of my stomach and through my entire body at prodigious speeds, my eyes are wide open, am I sweating already? No, no no no no, how did I allow it to get to this!? Can’t I fix it somehow?! My hands reach for my hair, pulling down harshly as my breath picks up so much that I start panting.
Fuuuuuuck.
This is it, I will fail the semester, I’ll have to talk with my parents, they will all learn of it. The looks of disappointment on their eyes will kill me, the sadness in their voice as they try to console me. No, no no no.
Wait. Wait. I can still save it. I just have to get a good grade on the next row of exams… for every single class.
“Y-You can afford to fail a few of them, it’s college after all! Everyone fails once or twice.”
“A cope out… Remember highschool, smartass? Aren’t you supposed to be a prodigy or something? Start acting like it, work.”
My body hurts, everything is moving so fast. But yeah, I can do this. I did it before, I used to be a real smart kid… I can do this.
But before anything, I need to answer to Pepe. I don’t like lying to him… so, let’s make a compromise.
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Pffft. Tell me about it. ewe
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: I hate to be pessimistic but, I think I failed everything this time… u.u
...
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: oh shit, rly??
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: im sorry man…
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: but there’s always the next midterms! u can pick up the pace then
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: Saints know im gonna try too lmfao
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: maybe we’ll end up repeating this time, but we have to keep trying, alright??
“Failing? As if he was capable of that. The bastard’s studying medicine for a reason, he’s the real genius here…”
Shut up. I won’t let you talk about Pepe like that.
“He’s probably pitying us.”
You know he’s incapable of stuff like that. Whatever he says, he means it with all of his heart… the bastard is incapable of being facetious.

xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Alas, these old bones can’t keep trying forever hahaha. :3
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: I need to pick up the pace. >.<
...
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: man what i’ve told u about talkin like that?
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Like what? o.o?
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: like an old fart, lmao
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: ur like what, 20? you gotta act ur age man!
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: i bet you are still acting and dressin like an old man too
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Shirts and coats are cool man! >.
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: no. no their not.
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: at least ur not using that sombrero anymore
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: First off, it’s a Fedora.
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Second off, shut the fuck up man xD
Honestly, it was a relief for me too that I grew out of the fedora phase. I was still clinging to my long montgomery but, at least the hat was gone! I smile, closing my eyes for a moment. This… was nice. It was always nice to talk to Pepe.
Too bad it only happens once every month.
“You could talk to him more often, you know?”
I have nothing to say, and I don’t want to make things even more awkward than they already are. It’s fine. He knows I mean well… right?
“Does he?”
I… really hope he does.
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: hey man
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: do u like what ur studying?
The question slaps me straight in the face, my eyes widened. It takes me a second to actually react and answer.
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: What do you mean? o.o
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: like, i kno ur goin for law, right?
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: but it kinda came outta nowhere, if u ask me…
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: are u sure this is it?
He’s right. Again.
It did come out of nowhere because, after we graduated from Highschool, I literally had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I would love to write for a living, but that stuff doesn’t pay… and I never liked medicine and such, so…
What other career is expected of a kid with high grades?
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: It’s… a little late to think about that, isn’t it? ówo
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: its never too late man
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: just, think about it
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: ur a smart cookie, maybe ur failin because u dont feel it there
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: my dad still calls u “book eater” from time to time
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: do u still read like before?
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: …
My eyes went to the little bookshelf Venus and I improvised. It wasn’t full, but we had some books… both of us were obsessed with reading back in the day. I’ve read through all of those, even the not-so-good young adult books Venus left behind… but after finishing all of them once, I haven’t really read anything thoroughly in a while.
Maybe that is what I need… damn you, Pepe.
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: I think I will go to the bookstore today. Check out the stuff? :3
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: now that’s the al i know lol
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: enjoy ur vacations, i gotta start doing paperwork for the intern work
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Take care man!
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’: same dude
‘HéálérFrómThéHéárt’ is now offline
My eyes linger on the conversation for a bit longer. Now that’s a good feeling, so good I can’t even hear my complaints about being “too gay” right now. I am just basking on the echoes of this revelation for a moment, before I get right up. Yes. This was a good plan, this would surely get me out of this funk.
Going back to old, good habits will get me back into the same mindscape I was before, and then maybe, just maybe, I can grasp back on that talent I used to have.
…
“Wait, did he say ‘vacations’???”
Another incoming message interrupts me. When I look, I find it’s not Pepe, but Vito… my heart freezes for a moment.
My brother often tries to reach me, this is not the first time. But I always feel so guilty about the way I treated him when I was younger, I… honestly don’t know how to answer.
But I can’t simply ignore him, can I?
UndeadVito: yo.
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Hey n.n
UndeadVito: how’s it going bro?
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: It’s going. Not too well, not too bad. uwu
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: I think I flunked my exams but, I’ll try to get better at it next time. u.u
UndeadVito: that sucks man. Im sorry.
There’s a moment of silence. None of us know how to talk to each other… How could we? I’ve been out of the house through the kid’s teenagehood. He probably has a lot of shit on his mind…
Maybe I should ask about that?
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: What about you dude? Is everything okay at school? o.o
UndeadVito: … I’ll survive.
That’s not good. That’s pretty much the opposite of good. Fuuuuck, what would a good sibling do?
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Talk to me bro, you can tell me. n.n
UndeadVito: nah, don’t worry. I’m just being silly.
UndeadVito: hey hey, what’s the last thing you’ve written?
He’s not fooling me, he’s not fooling anyone, not even himself. But I can’t exactly pry, can I? Do I have the right to?
I read him and all I can remember are the times I made him cry when he was a little kid.
Worst of all, he has always looked up to me. I can’t stand it, knowing what I’ve become… he’s always asking and wondering about my ideas. If only he knew I have done nothing for so long.
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: I’m not working on anything right now
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: You know, with the college and stuff u.u
UndeadVito: awww. okay, I get it.
UndeadVito: you know what you should do?
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Hmmm? o.o
UndeadVito: you should write a book about mobsters!
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Pffft xD why mobsters?
UndeadVito: mobsters are cool!
UndeadVito: as your biggest fan, I demand that you write something about mobsters!
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: lol xD
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: I’ll think about it, okay?
UndeadVito: yesssssss.
UndeadVito: are you coming home this weekend?
I haven’t returned home in so long, has it been a month too? Maybe, considering Pepe said we have vacations now (I still have to look into that). Maybe it is time to rest.
“And what, tell our parents the truth? Absolutely not. After all the softness and pity goes off, they will force you to stay in that dump of a town and work at a supermarket or something. Trapped forever there, just wasting away. Game over.”
I flinch. I refuse to fall that far down…
“It wouldn’t be falling, it would simply be taking another way in life.”
I am supposed to graduate college. We are not discussing this now!!
UndeadVito: bro??
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: Ah! O.o Sorry, got busy!
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: I am not sure if I can this weekend, sadly u.u but maybe the one after!
UndeadVito: oh.
UndeadVito: ok.
Why. Why does he care? Why does he insist on caring about me? I haven’t been there for him when he needs me the most and yet he clings?
A part of me wants to go full “tough love” and try to push him away rudely but… come on… he’s my brother. And I was already plenty of bad in the past.
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: You gotta tell me more of that story of yours when I go back, okay? n.n
UndeadVito: huh? oh yeah, I mean, I guess.
UndeadVito: if you really wanna listen.
I know how comforting it is, to hear that someone wants to actually hear and understand your ideas… it’s not much, but I can at least offer him my legitimate attention and opinions. Not that he needs much of my help though, the kid has talent for stories!
“Let’s hope it doesn’t take him the same way it took us.”
…
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx: I gotta go uwu you take care, alright?
UndeadVito: will do, boss.
xXxCallMeBigCookiexXx is now offline.
Sigh. No more messages for today, this was more than enough… I need something to read, I need to get active again, write, actually do something…
But first, it was time to brush my teeth.
I walk past Venus’ former bedroom, and then turn around. In front of it, there’s the bathroom… and the dreaded mirror. It’s so central on the wall that I can’t really not look at it, and it just takes a little glimpse to look at myself. My hair is a mess, my beard is a mess. I am a mess. I don’t look as fat as I was fearing but, it is an undeniable fact that one sees themselves far more attractive in the mirror than they are in reality.
I must be even worse than this.
Water and a comb do fix things a little but…
“Look at yourself. Look at this ugly mess. This is who you are. No matter how much you’d want to identify as something else, no matter how you try to dress or to do. You can even lose weight, and you’ll still be this. An ugly man. Nothing more.”
Sigh. Tell me something I don’t know…
“It would take work, and a lot of effort… but you could change. Nothing in this life stays the same, we live and thrive in change.”
“She’s delusional, just like you are. If you think you can become like her, go ahead! Try it, chase that stupid delusion… let’s say what mom and dad have to say about it.”
After cleaning myself and properly brushing my teeth, I stop looking at myself in the mirror, grab my montgomery and hurry out of the house. I didn’t want to listen anymore, I didn’t want to think anymore.
I just wanted to buy a damn book and get over with it.