Chase utley divorced

tw: csa, neglect, emotional and physical abuse
whether you choose to or not is your decision, and most people have been through more severe situations than i have so i completely understand why the majority of people go no-contact. this is just my personal experience not advice or a discussion or anything. me, i have a pretty textbook recipe for cptsd: bpd/ocd teen mom and schizophrenic/depressive/npd teen dad. yes they have been professionally diagnosed with all of these things. when i was 3 i told everyone my dad sexually abused me and understandably my dad flipped out so i backtracked and said it was a joke. i have no idea what he did because my mom never witnessed anything and my dad refuses to talk about it without going into a rage and blaming me for my family's divorce and him losing all of his friends. ive been hypersexual since i was about a year old also so i have my suspicions about him either way. my mom got on drugs shortly after the divorce to work 2 jobs in a town about an hour over, so you can imagine i didnt see her much for my childhood-- i only had her mugshot after a police chase and picking her up after she crashed a car because she fell asleep driving to go by for a good 5-7 years. i hated her when she left. i was dead convinced she was a drug addict and a deadbeat because i didnt understand she was doing it for her kids. i lived with my grandparents during that time and they were neglectful as all get out and didn't even care if me and my sibling showered, brushed our teeth, slept at a reasonable time, or even went to school. my mom cared because she would be the one going to jail if we were truants. i was an anxious little kid and told everyone i had the stomach bug instead of going to school but i faked sick too long and my mom would come over in the mornings to drag me by my hair and beat my ass. which just made me more anxious and unwilling to go to school, or go out in public for that matter. probably the worst of my childhood boiled down to when i was 10 and my mom always shit talked my appearance and said i never took care of myself and got fat so she went to buy me new clothes. i was too anxious to even set foot out of the car and kept nervously brushing my hair to self soothe (thought i looked ugly but in retrospect girl u were fidgeting) until she took the brush out of my hand and whacked me on the head with it which caused a whole situation and her fighting to get me out of the car while i was crying. she called the cops and i just so happened to get some douche who got off to scaring the shit out of kids, because he handcuffed me for no reason just to lecture me and tell me to listen to my mom or i'd get sent to "adult prison." fun experience i guess. anyway the rest of my childhood and adolescence was my mom berating me for the smallest things and expecting me to act like a little adult and work and tend to the house AND also somehow have straight As in school, have friends, extracurriculars, and hobbies, but she's not going to financially support any of those hobbies or actually set into motion for me to hang out with friends. the few times i ever hung out with people i went to THEIR house and THEIR parents had to chaperone me around, and my family was just not involved to the point my friends wondered if i even had a mom. not even going to mention the transphobia i faced from my mom, but she took my binder that i bought with my own money and donated it to some rural christian thrift store... even thought itd be hilarious to mention the fact that theyd probably throw it out not even knowing what it was (this is long and melodramatic)
and yet... i still love my family. maybe feel obligated to, even. maybe my dad molested me and if so he's fucking disgusting for it. i don't know why you'd ever touch a baby. i don't know why he'd even have a motive to do so. he didn't really have a motive to cheat on my mom and fight her in front of me as a baby and steal her savings and drive out of state with no notice either. now he's just sad and suicidal and has been for over a decade and he's still hung up over the family he destroyed and apologizes to me anytime he sees me. to me, he's gotten his just desserts: he's a late 30s stoner who still lives with his parents and is still mad at his ex wife a decade later. i will never be close to him for abusing my mom but i genuinely forgive him for what he may have done to me and also the things he actually did to me, like calling me a slut and making me change my clothes and not wear makeup around him and telling me, his 8 year old daughter at the time, that women should be barefoot and pregnant and are also evil cheating jezebels. he still does it occasionally but his words hold no power over me and i think he realizes that so he's become more tolerant and agreeable. my mom basically destroyed any chance of me not fearing intimacy or anything short of perfection or being myself but sometimes she gets drunk and just sobs and hugs me and tells me she's sorry she couldn't do better and i wish she could have at the time when it kind of mattered substantially more to my development, but im proud of how far she's come and that she's trying to be less strict and cruel to toughen me up and make me appear relatively functional and normal, the things she couldn't be at the time. this lowkey turned me into a functional addict and gave me a really bad habit of dissociating and not listening to my needs later in life but its chillin.
after ALL of this forgiving my family for essentially giving me a shit hand at life is pretty rough. but its ultimately helped with my hypervigilance and i dont immediately read everyone's actions as if they are judging me or see me as a burden-- it just takes substantially less than the average person for me to feel that way! maybe i have not healed at all in my behaviors and still act like a sad, scared angry little kid. but i feel less wary of them at the least, and its nice for now.

Sorry, this is long and will probably get buried. But I had to say my piece about this crap, specifically paragraphs 8-11 in the March 2024 WT, Study Article 11.
https://www.jw.borg/finder?srcid=jwlshare&wtlocale=E&prefer=lang&docid=2024322
(Remove the "b" from "borg.")
Their deliberate ignorance is bottomless. Any human who cares to learn about abuse and its effect on victims, including what to do and not to do to help them, can easily educate themselves on the basics in less than an hour. They have had so many opportunities to correct their course, and they have chosen to close their eyes and double down. Unfortunately for the women victims of domestic abuse, including emotional abuse, the Governing Body, speaking in the name of God, heaps additional abuse and gaslighting on their shoulders.
Let's break it down:
First, the subheading is titled, “Persevere When Your Spouse Disappoints You.”
They employ maximal manipulation right out of the gate, framing abuse not as actual damaging behavior actively inflicted by one spouse on another, but as merely the subjective perception of disappointment by the victim. They further conflate abuse with “difficulties" and imperfections common to all marriages. Notice this line:
“They may, in time, display traits that were not noticeable before the wedding.”
Allow me to decode what has happened here. Women have complained about mistreatment by their husbands and have been told the onus was on them to get to know their men before marrying them. This particular line in the article is in response to people trying to educate them about how narcissists behave early in the relationship. They hide their abusive traits and lovebomb, lovebomb, lovebomb. We see here that the GB have been made aware of this, but choose to close their ears and refuse to be educated, purposely using the victims’ explanations against them with dismissiveness.
Next, they offer a line that is music to the ears of an abuser:
“Instead of recognizing that each has a part in the problem and therefore should work to resolve it, they may blame their mate.”
This plays right into a narcissist’s hands. “Well, if you would do X, then I wouldn't have to yell at you!” In truth, the innocent spouse shares NO blame for the abusive behavior of their partner, but this misinformed bulls**t from the GB will ensure that the wife is kept more distressed, confused, and chasing ever-shifting goal posts. And they further afflict her by saying, with shaking heads and clucking tongues, that some “may even come to see separation or divorce as the solution. But is giving up on marriage the answer?" So they use shame and guilt to cut off her only route of escape.
Next, they dump the example of Abigail on the heads of these women. Nabal must have been severely abusive, and one shudders to think how terrifying it was for Abigail to have been stuck in that marriage. And in those patriarchal times, stuck she was. So how repulsive it is for the GB to claim that Abigail remained with that man out of respect for Jehovah's standard of marriage! They claim she could have “found an easy way out." How? By stepping aside and allowing David to murder Nabal and all of the other men in the household! But the reason she chose not to use this ‘easy way out,’ we are told, is because she viewed marriage “as a sacred arrangement.”
Rubbing salt in the wound, the GB also doesn't miss the opportunity to mention that Abigail "was also willing to apologize for a wrong that she did not commit,” adding, "Clearly Jehovah loved this brave, unselfish woman.” So, women, be ready to apologize and take the blame your abuser is actively throwing on you, because this will make Jehovah love you. Whereas, if you resist and try to hold your boundaries, not so much.
After showing this horrific example of Abigail and Nabal, the question for paragraph 11 makes sure to point out that “respecting the marriage arrangement even if their mate is difficult to live with (like Nabal)” is an expectation from Jehovah.
The GB tops off this bulls**t sandwich with one more fresh, stinking pile. They give the (probably made up or embellished) experience of Carmen, a sister who put up with her husband's verbal abuse for... wait for it... 50 years! As per always, they put the responsibility of managing the abuse on the wife. “‘As the years went by, I learned to be more discerning and to speak tactfully to my husband.’” Translation: Carmen had to learn to become small, suppress her voice, and walk on eggshells for 50 years so that her husband would hopefully hurt her less often.
The burden is always on the abused one in the JW org. They say that “you can trust that Jehovah will support you and help you to persevere.” It's never pointed out that Jehovah did nothing at all to help Abigail. He didn't kill Nabal to save her; he was only exacting punishment for Nabal's disrespect to Jehovah's king. Had there been no run-in with David, Abigail would have rotted there for the rest of her days. What they also don't say is that in this organization, Jehovah's “support" often looks like the abuser getting praise and privileges, while He is happy to let you continue suffering, expecting you to keep quiet and keep that pretty smile on your face. Fuck them all.

so many muslim women will directly acknowledge how they dont understand or cant fully accept the reality of milk ya amin (female slaves /war captives that a man is entitled to have sex with if assigned to him by the Leader of the Believers ), the prophets marriage to a child (if you are orthodox, you CANNOT contest the age 9 allegations, sahih bukhari) the context of the prophets almost-divorce with his old and no longer attractive wife, the hoolack of loyalty in heaven from their whoring husbands, the fact that by the law of polygamy women are not even entitled to basic loyalty from their scumbag-fuck husbands, the fact that their husbands are allowed to hit/beat them (even if excluding the face), the fact that the prophet had sex with ALL NINE OF HIS WIVES IN ONE NIGHT (you cannot contest this if you are orthodox muslim, this is sahih bukhari) etc.
tonight for the first time i opened up to my uncles wife who has a bit more knowledge about these things than the other women in the family (a lot of the women in my family are severely undereducated and barely interested in islam, they were marriage super young (my uncle was 25 and married a 15 year old for example) and after so many years have become obedient to their husbands because FUCK IT, its easier to fold than it is to fight, life's hard enough already). she was asking me about marriage and i tried to explain to her that my faith issues were inhibiting my desire and interest in marriage, no matter how handsome and hardworking and blah blah x prospect is. when i brought these topics up and countered every supporting response she gave me, she referred me to the wives of two nationally famous imam's to talk to. she told me (in a kind way, shes a good hearted woman) not to overthink because its satan who's causing this, and that im a muslim at heart. shes also the same person who's telling me men think with their dicks and how gross they are, how i should aim to be sexually attractive first and foremast for my potential husband, how men like the chase, blah blah brainrot. hijabi modesty my ass Lmao.
when i brought up the fact that her 9 year old daughter got her period and that humans 1400 years ago still looked the fuck like us, she assented this but then said, "well my daughter has a crush on this kid Ali in her class--". i was like girl the boy in her class is HER AGE. then she said "it doesnt stop her from trying to look pretty in front of older men".
when i tell you this woman would fucking DIE before she put her daughter anywhere near danger or a sexual prdator, i mean it! but the way that her faith forces her to make excuses is truly insane. when she said aisha loved muhammad i was like, my grandma got her ASS BEAT BY MY GRANDPA, and she also loves him. the fuck does love got to do with anything? something thats wrong is WRONG.
this rant is all over the place but fuck. this is depressing. i have not a single intelligent muslim female in my family. these women suffer for no fucking reason. their husbands pushed them towards religion and because they had nowhere to go, no education and therefore no way to support themselves or their kids, they went along with it. my mother has suffered so much that i dont even like to talk about this shit with her cause i dont want to make her sad. the fact that this is their only life and they cope with this terrible religion is horrible. my sunt talked shit about christianity but couldnt make sense of this horribleness in her own faith.

Backstory, i’ve known him all my life we grew up in the same neighborhood. He’s made advances since I was a teenager until early adults and I always turned them down fast forward he’s witnessed my 8 year relationship he was married then divorced during this time I(29f) now have 2 kids he(30m) has 1 and he’s trying again and it’s 100% great he’s kind, caring, attentive, generous, good with kids, my family knows and love him, I know his family, same friend group and everyone’s routing for us but… I’m just not attracted to him, there’s nothing wrong with him any woman would find him attractive I just don’t. I cringing whenever he’s around I don’t want him touching me I don’t like being alone together and I couldn’t even fathom being intimate with him… yet I chase men who I know see other women, ignore me, and don’t care about my feelings… I don’t want to lose a guaranteed good thing but I don’t nt want to settle

6 months after my husband was arrested for solicitation of prostitution and finding out he had been going to massage parlors and seeing escorts for years.
•I’ve been reading books on cbt, ptsd, negative thinking. Workbooks on self-esteem and self love.
•Individual and marriage therapy. I have a psychiatrist and and therapist
•Working out 5 days a week at 5AM
•Multiple medications. Antidepressant, mood stabilizer, anti psychotics.
•Venting on Reddit haha
I had months of paranoia, anxiety, feelings of insecurity and “I’m not enough mentality”.
These are things I have done that have helped me the most.
•Dedicating at least 1 hour a day to whatever my top most goal was. Since mine was recovery in general I would either work out for an hour, meditate, read, did my therapy, or a form of self care (bath, massage, etc.) this time has to be non-negotiable.
•Learn the science behind what is going on. The things you are feeling are activated in the back of your brain. The same feelings that you get when a grizzly bear is chasing you, is activated. Your brain is really trying to protect you so be kind to it. But also your brain can’t function in 2 places at once. You need to make the brain go to your front lobe in times of high emotion or panic. You can do that but thinking back from 100 by 7 or listing names that start with the letter B etc.
•Give yourself grace and be kind to yourself. You have a reason for the way you feel. This is trauma. Especially if you are with a narcissist don’t let them or anyone make you feel like you are crazy and that your feelings aren’t valid.
•Journal. I would write self forgiveness or things I really liked about myself, goals for the week and month.
•Cognitive Behavior. I have to practice this since I’m really not good at it but it is supposed to require your brain once you get good. Event occurs, thought happens, and then behavior occurs. Example. Husband checked out girl in restaurant, immediate feelings of insecurity. Then I would be quiet or angry the rest of the date. It’s a lot of self sabotage. Instead try to change the thought but it has to be something you really believe. Like I might would change it to “I mean she is really pretty, can’t really blame him for looking but he is choosing to be with me right now when he could be doing anything else.” I’m sure that thought could be better hence why I’m not super good at this yet lol.
•You are going to be okay regardless. When have you not figured it out? Say they mess up again. You’ll use rock bottom to propel you and good things will continue to happen in your life. Say they never mess up again, that’s great too. “With or Without You” mentality.
•Have some form of support. Whether it’s a therapist or a good friend you need someone to listen and make you feel like your feelings are validated.
•Fall in love with yourself. You have great qualities that somebody will love about you but even if you don’t date again. You are enough just being you. My aunt never got in serious relationship again after she divorced in her 30s and she lives her best life!
•I read on a sex worker forum and they said that men acting out is kind of similar to them going to the bathroom haha. They have an urge that needs to be met but it’s so not emotional. They compartmentalize sex as a basic human function. Any if they cheat on you emotionally, that’s another mental issue. I don’t know why this just made me feel better.
You are not defined by your SO and you are not your emotions! “You are a good person whom bad things have happened too”-Sirius Black
Books I’ve read that have helped so far: Girl wash your face-Rachel Hollis Confidence and insecurity workbook Self love rainbow workbook by Dominee Calderon. Get out of your head by Jennie Allen.
If you have any books you would like to share or any other advice to give please let me know!

Yesterday my ex from 2021 wrote a lovely introspective about our breakup. It was a long message, but essentially said that when I was reciprocating his effort every step of the way, he began to try to max out his life and was envisioning every other partner out there that might be a better match. That I was encouraging and adored him so much that maybe, he thought, that he could do better. But that he's ashamed of thinking that and he's sorry for breaking up with me out of the blue and I had deserved better. Thankfully, he left it at saying he'd always think I'm a tremendous and attractive human, without trying to get back together. I think I would have cut him as a friend if he had asked about that possibility.
It wasn't surprising though because he's the fourth ex to do this. Which means I'm 4/4 out of all my exboyfriends coming back months or years later saying they were blind to how good we had it. They admit they were still looking toward greener pastures. That they shouldn't have because I'm so sweet, so smart, so affectionate, so cute, so sexy, so good at communication, so logical, so easy to resolve conflict with, so... everything lined up with their checkbox of what they want (but how does that make sense? They left because they wanted more so I'm not everything they wanted). 3 out of 4 have attempted to rekindle and give the relationship another try.
I've asked them about any blindspots I might have had, and they say that I was great through and through along with the relationship we had. That they wouldn't change a thing about me, except one joked it would be nice if I were an heiress, and another that said he had lied about his feelings on family planning and actually struggled with the idea of meeting my kids and becoming a stepdad but was ready now. I appreciated the candor from him and we tried again, but I ultimately didn't feel like he really wanted to date me and was settling. He was talking about engagement and delaying proposing and then fully back to being uncertain.
So I've learned that you should never go back to an ex. It'll only cause you pain. So that's not an issue or anything I need to learn.
However, how do I stop dating men who don't appreciate what they have and are going to breakup with me even when the relationship is going well? Or how can I combat their growing feeling that really good isn't enough?
And because it's reddit, I feel like I need to include that I'm not chasing the top 10%. I swipe on guys based on the bio they've written.
I've dated a range of everything. I've been down to date people as long as they've been kind, respectful, and share some of my mostly nerdy interests/hobbies. Men who are ambitious/chill, oldeyounger, attractive/not attractive (but attractive in my subjective view), paycheck to paycheck or have retirement all figured out , single dads/divorced/never married/never dated before because of social anxiety, shy/gregorious --- and you get the idea.
Even if I were stuck on someone ideal to my specifications for shallow traits it's still realistic: They'd be the type that enjoys food a little too much and would be fun to go to the gym with, so they're mostly healthy, strong, but also has a bit of a gut. Great eyes and a warm smile. I love short guys and anyone in a range around 5'3" is perfect. But height is only a preference and I've dated tall too. I'm happy dating outside my ideal as long as they're kind, respectful, and gentle.
Then the second issue, attracting creeps. I spent a year intentionally single because I felt emotionally unavailable. I hopped back into dating apps in earnest starting in January and was fine until April. April/May has been unreal. It's completely worse than anything I've encountered before. I've never dealt with anything too creepy or severe sexual harassment before, but it's everywhere I go now.
-First dates have groped me after I said no.
-Flashed their penis and rubbed it on me while in public. (Police report submitted)
-Pressured me for sex right away and this guy, a salesman by trade, was not accepting no for an answer, so I said I would next date but couldn't go to his place that night - just to get away. But messaged him after and told him that I had lied to get away, wrote 100 no's and 1 yes doesn't mean yes, and blocked him.
-I found out another was a sex offender who was convicted of digital voyeurism of a kid under 14 (and preferred Stars Wars over Star Trek, doubly troubling, just kidding 😜)
-Another man anonymously called my work, could have been a prior date or completely random, and the recording of that could be used as the start of a horror film. He wouldn't tell me who he was, but acted like he knew who I was, and then lewdly asked about my bathroom usage...
-A guy I had barely met, but was not a date with nor interested in, must have hid my phone, then sent me to grab something, got into my phone, I caught him, and listened to him justify that he liked me and just needed to know what kind of person I was before getting attached. I just said it wasn't going to happen and left. He ended up sort of stalking me for a few days before mutual friends out the kibosh on him.
I'm sick of it. I've never felt unsafe meeting people in public, I figured public places were enough protection until this month.
I don't know what I'm doing differently to suddenly be preyed on by a bunch of creeps. I think I'm acting like I always have, but I have gained weight and maybe that's why? But why only now and not in January? Is it all coincidental?

It's definitely a weird feeling. I found out that she wanted a divorce about a month ago. She was texting an ex for a while and it's apparent now they've been plotting against me. I definitely felt gaslit and manipulated into fights in the last few months and it helps explain why. But now that I've been moving my stuff out, every time we communicate she can be either hot or cold. And by that, it's a lot of her yelling hurtful things or name calling. Maybe she's been bottling it up because it just happens at any moment. In a sense, I'm grateful for it since whenever she's nice, I feel gut punched that we didn't work out.
I guess I just don't really understand though. She had the emotional affair, I'm mostly just emotional, why is she always snapping at me? How did she grow to resent me so much? When she broke up with me she explained it that she changed but that I'm a wonderful person. Then she'd act mostly closed off to me. Now she truly hates me and it's obvious. Can it be her chasing the nre with the ex and it's easier to think of herself as not a bad guy to paint me as one? She has no care about how I feel or anything (which is fair I guess, we're getting divorced so she owes me nothing) but it's also obvious that I'm struggling with it while she's moved on. She's "won" the divorce--I'm moving out, I only communicate when she reaches out first, etc. Everything is on her terms and it's still like she's got this anger towards me...
Thanks for any comments guys, I really appreciate your time and thoughts

Winona county pre-petitioned commitment after I made 5 911 calls to Winona county police fearing that my mom was being held hostage and wouldn’t come home to help me because somebody stole my cars keys and there was no food in the house and somebody dropped food off at my house (never saw them) as I was given a bad cut. During this time someone came into the house and stole my shit and then returned. My neighbor has no outlet so I chased the suspected person working for the police as my neighbors assuming they called the police after they saw me block the thief unable to to run me over as I stood in the road. The police returned my shit some time later as I was confused by everything I was glad I had my wax back which is 100% legal oddly my shit was back too. It was pure bath salts because I went crazy after that. I chanted to hell because I knew the police told me mom I was too dangerous to be around and I’m sure they wanted to send a drug that would make me susceptible to delusional thoughts thinking it would become permanent. The state has been committing me since 2017 for bogus reasons. After they had the evidence of me making 5 911 phones they tried to commit me but since I went bat shit crazy, I left the house thinking I was being poisoned by radon by all the smoke in there. I was swatted in cannons falls where I was being stalked by people and backed into a stalker in the parking lot. It was someone who saw me in psychosis and wanted to check on me but called the sheriff and 10 sqaud cars were sent. I had around 8 grams in 4 different buckets and bath salts on me in my car at the time. The swat team didn’t take it and I was in the fetal position of a squad car and they sent me to Mayo Clinic for mental illness. Let me tell you I backed into somebody’s car in a parking lot. My car was not damaged. A crowd of people saw me terrified as I heard orders and a count down to shoot me if I stepped out of the car. I had a small seizure in the ER as I don’t get the help I need because they won’t give me Ativan and instead antipsychotics which never help. While I was in the psych ward my memory of this was clear. I recorded videos of myself to remember what happened plus I gained my memory back. And Mayo Clinic doctors Dr. Roth said he was not going to commit me. Dr. Roth knows went to the same university I did, harder to get into than U ofM. The sheriff went into generose would go to the psych ward and ask the patients questions and my doctor told him to get the fuck out of there as he didn’t have to serve papers to anyone. We couldn’t figure out what he was investigating. Many patients there were my age and even someone from Egypt was suspiciously being detained and said he was there against his will. He did not have a last name because it didn’t translate, his wrist band only said Salem. He expressed his idea for peace in the Middle East and said make Jerusalemits own city state. Later the nurses said he was going home but later changed their minds and said they were sending him to a different ward instead. Obviously detained for reasons biased to his political views because people abusing the position of power to continue to administer medication after being offended as they were in opposition to what is happening in the Middle East. Jews and Somalis decided if this Arab man from Egypt was crazy. A woman from Africa who didn’t understand English and needed a translator was being civilly committed with a court order to take antipsychotic neuroleptics after she been struggling after divorce. She said the voices she heard were only coming from here guilty conscience as she was expressing she was misunderstood by the doctor and didn’t need help, but it was l through a translator who was speaking for her. Many of the other people there didn’t have real problems and would voluntarily sign in to the psych ward believing the bullshit that pills fix problems and stayed less than a week. The nurses ask stupid questions like if we are depressed and suicidal and oddly ask if we could spell lunch backwards which indicates high functioning cognitive functioning in a particular area of the brain which will help the nursing staff know the patient hasn’t fried the brain and can recognize symbols better than average suggesting the cognitive functioning has not deteriorated to the degree of permanent brain damage or permanent delusions. Drug induced Psychosis is ruled out. I could spell lunch backwards the fallowing day and could recognize reality going forward with my life without medication. Three weeks ago I went to the hospital after a police officer in Duluth reported that I was disorganized and told saint Luke’s. I asked for help after becoming ill suddenly and extremely nauseous. I had no where to go. I asked to be treated for hep c or hiv which they did but also sent me to the psych ward where again the doctor committed me and pre-petition an order from the court that’s I go to treatment and take antipsychotics for 6 months. After being through this process 3 times in less than a year I knew to say I voluntarily go to treatment to the court examiners in Winona county. The didn’t proceed with the doctors order. I have been in the psych ward for a total of 4 months and I have good teeth and don’t think treatment helps people like me. I’m tired of people saying I need to go to treatment. I’m tired of people calling the cops on me because I’m high. I’m tired of police dictating my life making up bogus excuses old their job is to recognize mental health issues when all I needed was to go to sleep. Oregon is where I need to go, fuck this GEN I have millennial problems that we can figure out ourselves on our own. Poverty of some kind is my problem and I need to go live in a better state for millennials.

I’m a 28/M. I’d consider myself a pretty cool lad with good looks & have been blessed to have been loved in my twenties. I scare all my partners away however with what I’m realizing is my anxious attachment style & by the end of my past two relationships, they have had similar reviews.
“I’m tired of the stress….you need therapy…” These women were so in love with me, but by the end of the relationship, I suffocate them / act jealous / too available / emotionally dump too much / too insecure/ treat them like a mom rather than a partner.
I’m scared to end up alone. It’s an embarrassing reality to be an anxiously attached male & at this point, I’m deeply afraid of losing another partner. I swear I’ve done so much to love myself. I’ve accomplished so much for my young age (traveled the world, started a nonprofit, run my own business) but yet, my self-esteem suffers in relationships. My paranoia consumes me at times. A two year relationship ended 5 months ago & I miss her everyday. She had her amazing faults too [haha] but she tried to love me. I chase them out of my life to the point of no return blocked on everything.
She liked me better when my trauma caused me to avoid emotions in the beginning of the relationship, but once I let my guard down, I overwhelmed her with my emotions. I know I will be better for the next person because the pain from this round has catapulted a deep journey of healing my childhood wounds. But just why? Why don’t I deserve consistent love like others? I feel cursed.
No mother in my life, step-mom who mothered me but abonded me when they divorced at 14 and won’t speak to me, no sisters nearby, first long-term high school gf cheated on me, father who also dealing with his absent mother issues who divorced 3 times and all I saw growing up was dysfunctional dynamics. I’m just venting. I wish I was one of those boys with secure attachment - but everyone I’ve loved has left me It’s like I’ve experienced a void of female attention from a young age so those that do come into my space, I hold onto & they end up realizing they signed up for something they didn’t want. I miss them all. I understand some people are only for a season, but I honestly can’t take another break up. It’s like grieving a death - best friend for me.

His and and I have been married 10 years, have 3 young children. We’ve been having problems for a while. We’ve never communicated well. We hardly ever resolve the real issues, so they come up over and over in different fights. The past 9 years of our marriage I was making all the sacrifices to help him in his career, from day 1. Helped him through school, helped him get his firm started, and especially always took on the responsibilities of taking care of our kids, even as newborns alone. I took care of our home and everything so he didn’t have anything to worry about except his job. I also worked from home to cover my expenses and more. I built up resentment over the years because he was so focused on his career. There were issues of him not being emotionally available to me, not showing attention, me being lonely, the usual housewife stuff.D come home and sit in front of the TV while I was running around chasing kids in the evening. Last year in October I finally start my own business. I had been doing research and planning from the start of the year. And I finally started working on it. It has kept me very busy since that time til now. I had talks with him about me becoming busier and me not able to do as I was doing before. I thought he was happy but his attitude said otherwise. He never asked me how my business is going, he kept referring to it as a project, and he was constantly pouting about how I don’t have time for him. I finally stopped fussing about attention and connecting and now he’s s doing it. He hasn’t done a single thing to change this. He doesn’t make plans or ask me to spend time doing anything. He just expects me to come sit with him in front of the TV. It’s not my thing and I’d much rather be engaged in something else. Last two weeks we have been butting heads a lot. We had a fight yesterday and this morning he gets up and leaves early. I get an email basically saying he’s done with me and the marriage and he wants a divorce. He’s moving his stuff out tonight and he attached a divorce decree. He came home later packed all his stuff and he’s gone. I don’t know where or any other details right now. I’m sad and in a sense relieved. I love him but our marriage has been causing me so much stress. I know we haven’t been connecting for a while, I feel it too. But I also feel like I was out of options. I don’t know if I’m ready for this. Just need some advice or words of encouragement.

I’m an adult, I’m starting college this fall. I’ve never heard or met of people whose family divorced when you’re late teens/adults. So I’m feeling very lonely and isolated because of this. To cut to the chase my dad thinks my mom is cheating on him im not sure who’s right, who’s wrong. I’d wish they’d at least consider counseling. They refused divorce for so long because their families divorcing caused them trauma.
I’ve had to reconcile I likely only exist out of shame, guilt, and a want to persevere. Life has always been very unhappy for me. Because of my dysphoria. I was originally going to transition once I finish my two year degree, move out, and cut contact. ( I was never close with my family anyways, they’re very bigoted)
But, I’ve just realized. All I have to do is go to planned parenthood and I can start T. And you know what? If my existence is only here because of my families traumas, and if I’m so miserable. I’m done. I’m starting hormones as soon as possible. I need to make my life worth living. I can’t be like them and just wait and wait and wait. I’m so done waiting. My life begins now. I don’t care what the hell they say to me I’ll move in with someone to finish college if I have to. I will make a life worth living for me and my sister.
No more waiting, my circumstances hurt me so heavy. But I will mold myself into an ideal. I don’t care anymore if I don’t pass, or if I’m ugly, don’t even care if I go bald. I will survive. I will change my life

I’ll try to make a longish story short.
I married young. My husband was abusive right off the bat. Not physically, but verbally and emotionally. He always had a roving eye and flirted with women right in front of me. He drank plenty and soon it turned into a raging pill addiction.
Being young and stupid I just went along with it. He even chased me out of the house with a loaded weapon once. I became scared of his constant mood swings and walked on eggshells to keep the peace. I just kind of blindly went along with everything. I was a stupid asshole with no boundaries. He bullied me and basically lived his life however he wanted and I was just frozen as a passive participant.
Time went on and I worked hard to get through school but also to help grow his business. I saved and made our money grow. In the end it made him more cocky because now with our combined effort he was the one making the money and I was the shitbag just behind the scenes with nothing to show for it.
After two decades of marriage I engaged in an affair. Like I said I’m the asshole that deserves what I get. I was so desperate for company and affection that I let someone else who didn’t care about me at all into my life. I tried to end my marriage and my husband threatened to kill himeself so I stayed.
He eventually found out about my affair and started screaming at me daily. I said again we should get a divorce but he begged me not to go and to go to counseling. He continued to berate me daily saying I decimated him. Come to find out he had been screwing multiple women and even taking them on vacations.
He had been messaging women for years but saying it was just friends. This time I had proof but he said it was all my fault and that I taught him how to be a liar and how to be deceptive.
He makes me very unhappy but still refuses to want a divorce. I have filed but it’s going nowhere. He’s also supposed to be out of the house on alternating weeks but he refuses to leave.
Last week I felt I was going to have a breakdown. I also got drunk and called my ex stupidly. Haven’t spoken in over a year because he blocked me when we were found out. Wanted to be a new man and re dedicate his life to the wife he loves. When I called him he said he didn’t even know what to say and that he made a promise to his wife. I just said ok and hung up.
I deserve to be treated like shit by everyone because I’ve acted like shit and let people lie to me about caring for me when they don’t.
I don’t see any good in the world anymore, just liars and I’m one of them.

Since I was 5 I wanted to end this shit life. I was raped before I was 5. Taken from my family. Used as a pawn on family court. Told my entire life I was why my parents had to divorce. Because I was placed in a group home. I spent my entire k-5 locked in a small room. Do to undiagnosed depression and anxiety!
Back in the 80’s no one gave a fuck about mental health especially in children. Always told just deal with it. Everyone lives suck, we can compare notes if you’d like. I’ve made federal judges cry.
My entire life has been one fuck up after another. I got used by friends,family, bosses, courts.
Life was manageable. Meet my now x wife started a a little family. We just finished college. I was working in the automotive industry. Not making much but a start. Do that work for some shitty people. And start to get to the point I’m ready to start my own.
Well just a few months later I got hurt on the job. Had a life changing back injury. And lost everything over night even my tools. Which got stolen while I was recovering. 40,000.00 of my life savings y gone.
Few years later I find a note how my wife isn’t happy anymore and wants a co worker. I leave and get begged back. We were apart 9 months and we talked about trying for or family. We did for another 13 years till a new little one came.
This was my mental health breakdown. I raised my kids. When I worked I took care of them daily. My wife worked nights and slept till just before work. Feed the kids drop them off at daycare. And I didn’t want this life again. Was finally facing the fact I couldn’t work just before him I got my Ssdi. Before work comp is a joke!
I started pissing blood the day he was born. I tried to talk to her. And she just went to the same old just deal with it any time I had an issue. That was here response anytime I had a struggle with the children at night I’m at work deal with it. I tried for so long. Till I started saying I was done feeling this way. Just for her to put of the time on me. My pains never matched her.
I’d rub her back while my screamed in pain. While my leg trembled in pain. But that’s what you do. And I’d get everyone has pain if I brought mine up.
Well three later little one is now three and she starts coming home and going straight to her phone. And everything from dinner to how was work was a fight. I caught her cheating. She came home from work with an overnight bag in her truck. Said what’s that none of my business. Like yes it is! Well I’m leaving you. My suicidal tendencies started kicking in. And I tried that night with my dad in my truck. Telling me how life mattered not more then mine mf. We have history especially childhood abuse. Like I guess we both die today.
She told me she was done with him, for her to leave that Friday. Dropping my kids off at her mother’s. She lied about everything. Kicked me out well tried. Then took my two youngest kids three hours away and had my 15 year old daughter lie about where they moved. They both said only a 45 minute drive not three hours.
Now a year and half later still playing her games. She uses I have a girlfriend against me. I’m still married to her I’m low income. And been fighting you want this divorce me. Since that’s been what she wanted since the day I found out, she has left my son to go chase men in other states with his teenage sister. He’s none verbal.
I’m so over fighting for my family. 43 years and I’m tired of never having life go good. Tired of my kids being used by women. I been here before with my oldest son’s mother. She used everything I begged her not to do against me. And I’m so ready. I wake up every day from nightmares. Haven’t slept a full night in 14 years. I’m mentally exhausted. Sick of telling police I’m not going do it while I’m playing it out in my head.

my sister gave birth when she was 17 and her daughter is two and a half now. my sister has borderline personality disorder and she’s a raging narcissist but she refuses to get help. my father (rip) was the exact same way and my sister is putting the family through the same pain. before he died, my sister would blame everything on him. we’re poor? his fault. her boyfriend broke up with her? his fault. she hated him and only ever brought him up to complain. after he died, she switched the blame to my mom and the family. my mom lived through the life with my dad before getting divorced. my dad had stolen and pawned all her stuff. he would steal her money and he crashed her car the day he proposed. he was a raging alcoholic and did hard drugs. he was abusive to us when we’d see him. he’d apologize and then do it again. it was a cycle. my sister does not love her child. she sits and watches her cry. she yells at her when she wakes up at night. she doesnt engage with her unless someone is watching. she treats everyone in the house like shit. (two brothers at home, two sisters and my mom). she’s had an open cps case for half a year now because she was getting high and leaving the kid and now she’s sober (i think) but she still doesnt care for the kid. she doesnt yell as often but she doesnt engage with her. she treats her like she’s ten years old. she uses heavy vocabulary with her and expects her to understand. the daughter throws tantrums like every other two year old, and my sister just yells at her to stop. she yells at my mom and calls her a bitch and then turns and asks for money. she chases my brother down the hallway and then calls the cops on him. she locked my sister outside at 1am and then tried to punch her when she came back in. she walks around in bras and shorts (which, whatever, but she only does it when my brother has friends over). she’s in a toxic relationship where they break up every other month, but she wants her daughter to call him dad? she throws fits during holidays and only seeks negative attention. she cuts herself sometimes and gets pissed when we point it out. but if we dont point it out, then we dont care about her. several times, she’s fought with my mom and left the house (and her kid) for hours. she asks me to watch her kid and tells me i can say no, but then gets pissed when i say no. i asked her to do the dishes the other day and she was all “i did /my/ dishes.” so i asked her why she cant do anything just to be nice. she said i was manipulating her. i was trying to take a nap today and i heard the baby crying. i figured it was a short thing so i kept trying to sleep. she cried for about fifteen minutes so i finally got up. she was laid on the floor crying, red faced and snotty, and my sister was on her phone. i asked what was wrong and my sister said that the daughter (gonna call her D) wanted to go for a walk, but that she wanted my sister (gonna call her M) to carry her. i was kinda dumbfounded because obviously D wants her mom to carry her. i told M that and she got upset, telling me that she knows she’s 2 but that she /can/ walk, so she should. i kinda just rolled my eyes and took D outside to check the mail to calm her down. she calmed down until we came back inside. she put her shoes on and D and M went outside to walk so i went to take my nap. three minutes later theyre back inside and D is crying. i come back out and see D standing and sobbing and M is just staring at her. i kinda snapped and was like “are you gonna do anything?” and M got all pissy telling me that im not a parent and i couldnt come home and tell her how to parent. she told me that 2 year olds throw tantrums and i said “apparently 20 year olds do as well.” she got mad and went on a loud tangent about how i dont know anything about parenting and that i should have a kid if i wanna tell her what to do all of a sudden. i ignored her and went back to the (still crying) kid and asked her if she wanted to go back on her walk. she did. we walked and she picked flowers and then when she wanted to go home, we did. i told M where we went and what D did and she ignored me and went to her room. i’ve always been the peacemaker in the house. my mom and brother fightd with M constantly, but for the sake of D, i’ve never fought with her. i moved out for a year and came back and suddenly i cant stand being peaceful anymore. maybe i was being a bitch because i have pent up anger towards her. i dont know.

My Dad is bringing up a very important word,
"No"
Actually, I think that was his favorite word.
I had a great habit of using it when I was under his roof. What he said is usually what happens first. He was the head of the house and the leader of his own reality. When he was intoxicated or not, what he saw and thought in his mind came to life, even when it never took place in real time.
Why did I give him so much respect when he clearly was showing me toxicity in our relationship at home?
He pretended to be a person of high stature when we are in public. No one would have guessed his bad habits with substances at home and the way he acted behind closed doors. When I reached out for emotional support at school or church, I was mostly shunned by anyone that listened to my story. They taught me that my feelings were wrong and asking for help gets me in trouble. When I told my mom anything, she was busy at work and came home tired. She trusted everything my father would tell her and I got in trouble for speaking out for his behavior. I was kept at home and if anything that could get me out of the house was already planned to be declined if I asked to do anything.
It was hard to please anyone at this point.
I kept my room spotless and vacuumed everyday, just so my dad couldn't say no and tell me to clean my room if I had a friend standing next to me wanting to hang out.
I had one friend in my life that saw my father for who he really is and he scared her pretty bad. He chased me to her car when I was trying to leave my house, he was on oxy at the time. My friend hesitated and kept the car in the driveway and told me to go do what he said. I wanted her to drive as fast as she could away from him, because he took the battery out of my car and I couldn't leave to be with Suz.
Well, after that incident, I lost my friend. She told her parents what happened and she broke all contact with me and stopped talking to me at church. Rumors went around and her mom I sang with on stage started to be disrespectful towards me.
I learned a valuable lesson that day....
When you feel safe enough to speak out and let someone see your true self, you scare people away.
When I trusted someone, I was abandoned when they saw my life for what it is.
The truth was hard to swallow and I had to stay around my father regardless of trying to find help in some form of way I felt heard. I tried to be emancipated, I went to church and sought out resources, I researched about how to prevent suicidal tendencies, I was speaking to a child psychologist. I was working on being more respectful towards my parents, but when my dad got high and made up stories to be angry and attack me. I had no way to protect myself and prove that it was just my father being an addict going through a psychotic episode.
This is why the Lord forced me into psychology.
I didn't want anything to do with it! (Working in a psych ward.... It sucked.)
Suz was the first person to really allow me to learn how to understand it with her version of explaining reality. She is a psychic medium. A very good one! She was very outspoken, rude and funny.... I can take the hard criticism. Nothing amounted to the trauma my father already caused me to feel. I survived high school band.... My director was exactly like my father and I was verbally abused at school by certain individuals.
I kept it all to myself and I planned very strategically my way to "heaven". I kept a journal on purpose for someone to find later. I wrote about everything I was feeling and how I was being treated, my poems, other interesting facts about spirituality, death and dying.
Suz taught me how to have a "book of shadows"..... Well, she is a witch..... It shouldn't be scary when I say that, she was a very proud "light witch". She only worked for the good of humanity. Christianity shuns such practices, but it really is part of the culture before religion became a thing. She taught me so many things that my Dad made me swear I would never get involved in.....
My Dad went into psychology after he decided he wasn't going to be a pastor. His past marriage was a major roadblock for him that he lost faith in God and didn't feel it was right for him to lie on stage to other believers when he wasn't being honest about his own walk in faith anymore.
A divorce would literally kill my soul. I can't imagine what betrayal feels like until you promise your life in vows to someone and it doesn't work out....My Dad made sure to show me that marriage is a special connection and I had to be very cautious who I accept as my spouse. I never forgotten how important it was for him to see me with the right man, but he was so overprotective, he never allowed me to learn how to date or even go to a school dance.
I blame the drugs for interfering in our relationship as a family. My Father was a very smart man, until he took a pill, shot up, or drink... My dad worked in anesthesia, he knew how to mix his own concoction and by pass the system to get his fix. He was forced to retire don't worry, but his knowledge to get drugs was phenomenal all that he knew about medicine.
It really sucked that he knew psychology and ways to manipulate people to get what he wanted. He was a very skilled hypnotherapist on top of that. My family is the result of a head narcissist raising more products of himself.
If you see my family now, we are estranged for good reasons, but they still hurt me personally. I really tried to keep us together after my father passed away, but the rest of my family chose to ignore my advances to keep in contact. I'm not even invited to the family reunions.
It's okay, because we have a lot of family history of incest and "S.A." and I understand why we are not invited.... I know a lot of things about our family after my father passed away. I know why he turned to be a pastor and then went in psychology to help himself and others, but then he lost his way and turned to drugs to mask his pain. The enemy stepped in and my Dad gave into his weaknesses..... He tried and he fought hard. Even when he attacked me my whole life. I still sat there and listened to him and I was forced to listen and not leave the room, but then God showed me to talk back to my Dad.....
So, I started to read more about the Bible and relate to him.
That's why I went to church...
I went to church 4 times a week to get away from the house, but to also just understand why I want to end my life and know that I would go to heaven if I actually tried it.....I was worried about my Mom and how my actions would affect her, she was a big reason why I stalled my plans and then my Dad had this wise idea to get me to work at a mortuary. Told me to walk into one and ask for a job.
Crazy how I jump topics all of a sudden, but this is how my Dad and I got along with each other. Weird and comical. lol
If it wasn't about music, it was about spirituality. I was into a lot of death related shows because I was suicidal. If you remember any of these, they came out around the time I was in high school.
Six Feet Under
Dead Like Me
Dr. G Medical Examiner
1000 Ways to Die
Ghost hunters
Crime Scene Clean Up Crew shows.
I would walk in the dining room while he was chillin in his hospital bed. Watching Finding Big Foot.
"Hey DAD! check this out."
It was a nice distraction to his day. It brought up his own fears with common daily interactions because of my odd obsession with the topic of dying.
My father at this point in his cancer diagnosis, he was on something they call,
Palliative care.
My mom explained to me that it means he was going to die. Lovely how blunt my mother is, but that's how she said it without sugar coating it....
But it was in a way it would be under his terms. My father at this point died once while receiving radiation therapy. His heart stopped and was revived. When he woke up angry and violent towards at the medical team. He yelled at my mom that he was ready to "go". So, after that incident he got the right person to sign him up for his new journey to his death.
That was a weird way of telling you what palliative care is, but that's how I found out and understood that he had a "DNR" to his name after that incident. Sometimes he was in a hospice home for a few months to give us a break at home dealing with his drama.
My Dad was surrounded by death, so it made me really research death and dying very deeply. I was afraid for anyone to see the books I read because they were about taboo topics you shouldn't see a teenager obsessing over. Death and dying, crossing over, letting go of loved ones, suicide survivors, decomposition of human remains, the death process, how a body is embalmed, what medical examiners while cutting open a corpse.
Then I got into the spiritual side of things that involve the devil and crossing over. How to avoid walking back towards hell when you are deceived by dark forces. How to fight your inner hell and not be trapped in that mindset when you are passing away.
I would have the craziest dreams after learning about these topics. But in a weird way, all I wanted to do was sleep to escape my reality. I would talk to my Dad about the stuff I found about those topics and it helped him be closer to me as a father. Something my little brother doesn't understand and ridiculed about me when he criticized my relationship with him. He had his own way to being with Dad, but my way, was with deeper meaning and serious topics. Stuff only Dad and I knew what that meant. It wasn't supposed to make sense to my mom or brother the special talks we had when he was in pain laying in bed.
I showed my Dad the other side to life....
I helped my Dad not be afraid to die, and do it with dignity and strength.
I helped my Dad understand that his addictions didn't ruin our connection as father and daughter and that I wanted to forgive him for his past before he died. He really appreciated my understanding that the drugs turned him into a different person, but inside of him, God was always there. My father told me, because of me, I allowed him to find love for God again and he was closer to his Mom because I showed him to not be afraid of my friend Suz.
That my friend wasn't evil and she taught me so much about angels and spirits, he was learning about them because I had the best mentor in the world. She helped me find my relationship with my Dad, that brought me to be closer to God and because I learned about God in a metaphysical way, I helped myself grow in my own understanding to where I wasn't going to end my life.
I found a reason to live even through the pain of watching the enemy run through my family and take away everyone and everything that means something to me.....
(I would like to post this, but I know it's not ready. I have so much to say and I know my story will help someone else not be afraid.)
I am still writing my story.
This is the book I was supposed to write about....
The one about death and dying.
Not about my background in psychology.
*That is a message for someone else. hint hint... That is your topic to write about. I hope you receive that message with understanding and go forth wisely. You asked me to remind you, so I am, quietly...
I am working with others in a way the Lord leads me.
It takes up my energy from writing and I have to prioritize what is more important. When it comes to someone's transition. I feel led to help someone cross over. I've done this since I was a child. No one taught me to understand how I do this. I also dream about meeting certain individuals and speak to them about life and death, God allows me to remember my dreams and I share them with the people it is about.
Most times, God will send people to talk to me and then I learn about them dying or having a terminal illness that is difficult to get through. That is where I am reminded of my life with my father and my jobs in the medical field and bring up all that I learned about death, dying, spirituality, religion, crossing over, eastern medicine, etc....
Then I become friends, or we have nice conversations that are very engaging and healing in general. I am later told that I have helped them in some way and they are happy to have met me. Then my dad shows up in my presence and shows me how I am doing what I am supposed to and to trust my gut feelings from now on. He promised me when he was alive, he was always going to be by my side and teach me about life.
Now I finally understand what he meant by that and I now that I know how to
"Listen with my HEART"
That is how he spoke to his mom before he crossed over. I taught him how and he was able to go deeper with it since his soul was ascending and leaving the physical body. The dream state plays a big part of crossing over and communicating with loved ones. That is where my gifts come into play. I am sensitive enough to feel him and learn his lessons that he encourages me to write it all down.
I'm not the writer I wish to become yet, but as long as it's getting out there for someone to find, that's all that matters.
Don't forget to realize that we are all dying. Don't allow your diagnosis or reality to have you feel stuck in misery until you die. Don't allow the pain and confusion to stop you from gaining understanding to the karma you're experiencing.Being a medium for me has been traumatizing, because I had to earn my way to understanding. I had to experience hell in order to seek solitude and want to create peace with my sanity and not let the forces around me cause me to go insane. I went "within" so I can heal my trauma and know what triggers me to thinking about the negative side to things.
That is all the enemy fighting with you spiritually.
When we die, we lose our vessel, not our spirit.
We are the spirit having the human experience.
This isn't forever.
Thank God for that!
Pain does end, but learn what the pain wants to teach you about life around you. You will help someone else with your story when you're meant to cross paths.
Everyone in your life is there to teach you something.
Are you ready for the lesson?
Are you ready to understand your lesson?
So, it's crazy how I end up writing these posts, but they are all for a reason that I don't understand right now, but I'm doing as I'm told.
I'm not afraid of death, I'm not afraid of anyone stalking me because I speak of life in a way no one else has, because this is my story.
I don't know why I wrote it this way before I got here.
My destiny, I mean.....
I know my purpose now and of all the things I pushed away in my life, God forced me to go back into it and learn more about myself. The things I didn't want to face and be reminded about my Dad.... I just want to live my life in peace. I didn't want to think about my past love, but I meet people that remind me of my life back home and that person in particular.....
So, it's all hitting at once. It's a slow process, my father has been gone for 11 years now. I'm getting the hang of it now...... Writing this isn't a race for me, the lessons are exciting to finally understand why I went through them, but again.... Time helps me explain things better when I see it in a different perspective. I couldn't have accomplished that goal until I went through the pain and worked on my character to change my outcomes to my problems. I had to change myself first.
I hope those that are part of this journey with me understand that I am only putting out there tools to help them succeed.
I'm not going out of my way to create another trauma bond or narcissistic injury towards anyone. I love them very much and I want them to work on themselves and gain abundance correctly, not with the use of black magic and occult practices.
That's another story for another day. Suz wants them to know that she was in my life to warn me about my lessons in my future, but I can't run from them. I am here to learn lessons and teach others how to learn theirs.
That's all this is about.
Life is a stage, how do you want to play it?
I choose to grow and allow myself to see the positive to where I feel the emotion of bliss, love, joy and acceptance of all things coexisting together.
I be back soon,
I hope you have a nice weekend.
<3,
Tina,

I know its subjective, but is true happiness really achievable?
When someone is asked if he/she is happy most likely the answear is no. Why? Because it is conditioned by something they dont have/cant have. Ex: money, lover, health problems.
Lets create a hypothetical case, John. We are all gonna watch over John and observe his evolution. Growing up, John was bullied for being overweight. He thought that after losing weight he will reach happiness. He finally lost weight, became skinny. He is not happy, he wants to put on muscle now. He finally became muscular, achieved his ideal body. He is not happy. Now he wants a girlfriend. He talks to his crush, dates her, she is now his girlfriend. John is still not happy, he wants more. After some time he proposes and gets married. John wants children now. He talks to his wife, they have 2 children, John is still not happy. John hates his job. He quits and starts a business. His business is succesful, he is now a millionaire, something that John thought if he would be, he will forever be happy. He is still not happy. John is a nicotine addict and he hates it. He believes that after quits smoking he will finally be happy. He did it, he quit! But he is still not happy. He is sick now. He has cancer, fortunately he discovered it early, and with expensive treatments which were not a problem for him, he managed to beat it! He is still not happy. Now he thinks he became too old (he is 50 currently). He thinks that after getting plastic surgery, hair transplant and some anti-aging treatment he will be happy. He wasnt happy, his wife seemed to be too distant from him lately… he found out his wife wanted a divorce. His heart is broken. She was his true love. John is now single and unhappy, as always… He thinks that adopting a pet will make him happy. As always, he it did not make him happy. In the end, John died after being unhappy all his life.
John always chased happiness, but he wanted more every time. Is it hypocrisy or is it natural? Was he greedy or was he realistic? Did John have too many expectations despite putting in so much work or did he have bad luck? Are we all like John?

Hey I wasn’t alive when the trial happened and even if I was I don’t live in the us so I wouldn’t know about it His death made me interested in the case again and I have a couple of questions about things I’m confused about 1. Why would he kill her if they have been divorced for 2 year? Why not at the time of the divorce? Why wait two years later? 2. The Jason theory is dumb and idiotic considering the fact there is 0 evidence pointing at him BUT his alibi seems fishy 3.Do Sydney and Justin have a relationship with the browns? Their father got custody of them and moved them to Florida who knows what lies he has told them 4. Do they believe he’s innocent or guilty? I’ve read an article saying Sydney ex boyfriend said they speculate it’s a drug gea gone bad 5.Mark furman is racist we know that but how the defense were sure he planted the evidence? 6.I believe in the “oj didn’t do it alone theory” I mean they had Colombian neck ties these get done by mobs so maybe oj hired them and was at the crime scene with them? 7.Al cowlings i think he knows everything 100% but he’s beyond loyal I feel bad for him Because he seemed to care about Nicole he even took her to the ER once in the disposition tape he cried when they showed him picture of Nicole with bruises 8.can the goldmans get their money? OJ didn’t leave that much money ,how are they gonna get their 100M dollars? 9.this isn’t a question I found all of their social media accounts (the four kids) they’re private but Justin’s insta is public and after some digging I found out he has a daughter named Lana Nicole 10.Why didn’t the police question Al cowlings, Jason and faye resnick(the morally corrupt Faye resnick) btw I hate her 11. The only reason i might believe in oj’s innocence is the fact his kids were sleeping upstairs he gotta be a monster if he did DO IT knowing the kids are in the house and left them to find their mothers lifeless body in a pool of her own blood in the morning 12. Sydney did leave a voice message in their home's phone asking their mother to pick them up from the police station (little did she know😔) Did they play that at the trial? 13.why do people think the socks were planted ? 14.the bronco chase looks fake(al cowlings is truly a good guy I would’ve jumped out the car if I have to calm my best friend while driving and calling the police) and the suicide letter looks fake too I didn’t feel anything while reading it also he didn’t say anything in the letter to his kids 15. documentary recommendations ? I’m excited and terrified for the lifetime one about Nicole

...but she isn't. She's passionate about several things. She doesn't mind trying and failing. She's enthusiastic about life. A sort of hippie/free spirit. She's not money obsessed unlike him and is capable of funding her life despite what he thinks. She's competent and loyal. Maybe she has several trades or is in a profession he considers beneath him. He thinks she's not serious enough. I hope that's explanation enough?
Books that sort of have this;
{At first spite by Olivia Dade}
{Trust no One by Jayne Ann Krentz}
{Unworthy by Susie Tate}
{Sweet fortune by Jayne Ann Krentz}
{It happened one summer by Tessa Bailey}
{Walk of shame by Lauren Layne}
{The Chase by Elle Kennedy}
{The divorce by Nicole Strycharz}
{Kiss an Angel by Susan Elizabeth Phillips}
Big Nos; cheating, love triangles, poly/RH
Thank you in advance for the recs!

I (M35) was married to my high school sweetheart, Sarah (F33), for 10 years. We had two beautiful, perfectly-coiffed, and impeccably-dressed kids, a boy, and a girl, aged 7 and 9. We lived in a stunning, meticulously-decorated, and Instagram-worthy suburban house, complete with a white picket fence, a perfectly-manicured lawn, and a three-car garage. From the outside, our life looked like a Pinterest-perfect, #blessed, and #couplegoals. But behind closed doors, Sarah was cheating on me with her chiseled, bro-tastic, and Instagram-famous personal trainer, Alex.
I found out about the affair when I stumbled upon a suspicious text message on her phone, which was conveniently left on the kitchen counter, next to her abandoned Starbucks latte and a crumpled up receipt from Victoria's Secret. I was devastated, but not surprised. I had been suspecting something was off when she started "working out" three times a day and "needing" to buy new yoga pants every week.
I confronted her, and she broke down, begging for forgiveness and promising to do anything to save our marriage. "I'll do whatever it takes, baby," she said, tears streaming down her face. "I'll give up my phone, my social media, my friends, my family – anything to prove my love for you. You can control everything about me, and I'll do whatever you say. Just please, don't leave me."
I was torn, but I wanted to save our marriage and family, so I agreed to counseling. But little did I know, Sarah had already planned her escape route, complete with a secret bank account, a hidden email address, and a burner phone.
However, Sarah continued to see Alex behind my back, and I discovered more evidence, including a compromising selfie on her phone, featuring Alex's chiseled abs and Sarah's strategically-placed hand. I was trapped in a toxic cycle of emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and passive-aggressive Instagram posts.
One day, I came home from work to find the house empty, except for a cryptic note on the kitchen counter, written in red lipstick: "You'll never find me." I was heartbroken, but I knew I had to take action. I hired a private investigator, who uncovered a trail of deceit, including secret credit cards, hidden bank accounts, and a secret apartment in the city.
The divorce was a war zone. Sarah's lawyer was a ruthless, ambulance-chasing, divorce-mill operator, who played the victim card, claiming I was abusive, controlling, and emotionally unavailable. The judge, unfortunately, bought into her lies, and I was left with minimal visitation rights, a hefty alimony payment, and a court order to attend anger management classes.
I was furious, but I didn't give up. I focused on rebuilding my life, and I threw myself into my work as a software engineer. I started taking on more projects, and my career began to flourish. I also started taking care of my physical and mental health, losing 30 pounds, growing a majestic beard, and finding solace in meditation, yoga, and craft beer brewing.
Meanwhile, Sarah's life began to unravel. She lost her job due to her constant absences, poor performance, and excessive social media use. Alex, her lover, dumped her, and she was left alone with our kids, who were now acting out, getting into trouble at school, and demanding participation trophies.
I, on the other hand, was thriving. I landed a high-paying job at a prestigious tech firm, started investing in real estate, and bought a beautiful, modern, minimalist condo with a rooftop pool and a view of the city skyline. I started dating a wonderful, intelligent, and independent woman who loved and respected me for who I am.
As the years passed, Sarah's situation continued to deteriorate. She was evicted from our old house, and she had to move into a small, dingy apartment with the kids. I, however, was living large, traveling the world, and documenting my #blessed life on Instagram.
The final blow came when Sarah tried to modify the custody agreement, claiming I was an unfit parent. But I was prepared. I had been documenting her neglect and abuse of our children, and I presented a mountain of evidence to the court. The judge was appalled, and Sarah's visitation rights were severely limited.
Today, I'm living my best life. I've forgiven Sarah, but I'll never forget the pain she caused me. I've moved on, and I'm grateful for the lessons I learned from our toxic marriage. I'm proud of myself for not giving up and for coming out on top.
Edit: I want to thank everyone for their support and kind words. I'm not gloating about my success, but I do hope my story serves as a warning to those who think they can cheat, manipulate, and destroy their partner's life without consequences. Karma is real, folks!