I had a shitty break up a month ago. My friend suggested I try online dating to try and move on. I hated the experience of the app. It suggested so many matches that didn't fit what I was looking for. Mostly people who lived really far and I don't want to get into something long distance.
Decided to go on date with only person who I felt might be compatible. We spoke online, exchanged numbers and finally set up a date. I've not been feeling a connection through talking online but felt maybe meeting in person might change that.
It was not a good experience. He woke up late and asked me to change our lunch reservation to an hour later. I decided to give him benefit of doubt. He was really intense throughout the date, kept making suggestions of places we could travel together, invited himself to meet my family and kept trying to put his arm around my back while we were walking even though I kept moving away. Final straw was him referring to me as his girlfriend.
He's already starting to plan our next date. I'm trying to muster up the energy to reply back and say thanks but not thanks. I wanted to say at the end of the date but he was so intense throughout and I was worried about how he might react. How do I let him down gently?

So for context I live in Thailand there is like a pratom it like a middle school and matayom which is like high school so in pratom 6 grade will be the last year you ever get to see your friend again because they will move to other school because matayom determines the next step in life it where shit get serious my old friend group was like 9-10 people I would be in a group full of athletes I didn't play any sport at that time we would hangout they would invite me to play sport even though I can't play anything we would eat lunch together after we finished pratom we all split in our own path in the end only 3 friend remain I still in touch with some of my friend some are just lost touch with them never heard or see them again in matayom is where the group split I don't have a lot of friend like I do back then I feel like a bum

Hey guys just for a little background information I've been in a few relationships but none as long as this one. I was truly in love with her. So for some background information my gf is 22/f foreigner and I'm a 23/m American as we first met in our abroad school overseas and after 6 months of dating came to the states together to finish school. We dated now for 2 years and broke up about 1 month ago due to her feeling suffocated and now she is going back to her home country next week and coming back when the school semester starts again. Now for information about the breakup me and my girlfriend had some pretty nasty arguments in the last month of our relationship.
In the beginning of our relationship we both agreed to having no girl or guy friends due to an incident where her guy friend came onto her in the beginning of the relationship after drinking together.
Now fast forward to the month of our breakup while I graduated and am working a full-time job she said she made new friends in school that would help her go from class to class in their car "audi" and eat a few meals together. I said great and jokingly said that they aren't guy friends and she said straight to my face that you can check my phone and instagram that they are girls and I believed her because she was being so straight forward. After about a week past I was having weird dreams and a weird gut feeling so while I was at work I checked her instagram and saw they they were definitely not girls but 2 guys that were also well off and rich. The reason I added that information was because during the time that she leid to me she was joking around saying how if she got close with them than maybe they could buy her some new things. Now since I had definite proof of her lying I confronted her after work on the basis of going on a date and asked her 3 times whether she has something to tell me and if they are really girls. She lied all three times straight to my face. As a result, I exploded and got super angry showing her the photos and telling her to leave my car and that were done because all she kept saying was she felt like it wasn't that big of a problem. So she left and came back apologized and said she would do anything in order to make things right.
Now the next day we had a camping trip planned with me, her, and two of her friends. Although, I said I did forgive her I was in a terrible mood the whole day whereas she acted like nothing happened and tried to make me feel better that day which I really didn't accept. So we argued that day too about me making her uncomfortable in front of her friends which I apologized for. But now we went on as nothing happened for a week and not we call one night and I tell her since I thought this was what we was talking about but I said that "yeah when I was working that parttime job 6 months back I took that girl co-worker home because my manger told me to. Now she started comparing the two and said she didn't do anything wrong and that me digging through her instagram and looking through all of her stuff she felt suffocated. So we made up with the decision that I made to delete my instagram.
Now fast forward to the week of the breakup she made new friends in school which I 100% new this time were girls and she said she would go drinking with them which I was perfectly fine with. The next day we had lunch together and told me she would go to the market the next day with her friends. Now that day is when we broke up. After I finished work she called and said she met her friends and that they drove her to a restraunt to eat food which I was fine with. And then I go to workout and after I finish I get more messages saying how she is going to go drinking with her new friends at their house. Now the reason I got mad was because I dont understand how she can go to the market with her friends if they drink and also she didn't tell me who specifically and where and also she had tutoring that night so I couldn't understand why she would drink. Anyways I was being nice and said have fun and lets talk on the phone later that night so we don't argue over message. She texts me 3 hours later when she gets home and starts tutoring while I was waiting for her call. Now this is when I broke down and new the relationship was crumbling. I messaged her saying Im tired and what to spend the night with her and she calls me after her tutoring asking if im ok. Once I tell her im already driving to her place and I want to spend the night with her. She gets angry asking if im angry or anxious still and that she feels suffocated and she broke up with me.
I pleaded but we still broke up in the end and one week later of nc I asked her if we can talk and she agreed but this is when shit went really upside down. That day I told my friends about the good news but they tell me that my girlfriend told them months ago that she would secretly go clubbing and that her mom doesn't like me and that once she finds someone better she will leave me right away. No I went mentally haywire and asked her if she did any of these things where if she did or didn't she said there isn't a reason to talk or meet anymore and to hang out with the liar friends of mine. Since then until last week I had many ups and downs, I begged and pleaded and apologized but also got angry but now obviously and rightfully im blocked on everything and we have been in nc now for 2 weeks. She is going back to her home country in a week and I wrote a letter about my how much I love and miss her and the things I loved about her and how I am sad but will let her go but will wait while fixing the things I need to fix and get better for not only you but myself. I already gave that letter to her friend and told her to give it to her after her testing is over for her grad school right before she goes to korea.
Do you guys think it is salvegable? I really love her and want to fix things but also im blocked on everything and she is going back overseas for about 2-3 months. Should I really wait?
Edit: ive been going to therapy, working out everyday, got some really good interviews set up for new jobs, and thinking about a lot if the past where we both really have faults and how I pished her to the edge of feeling suffocated and pushed her to lying although she still lied. I am sorry for the jealousy, anxiousness, and how immature I was in the relationship towards her and my own boundaries.

*** Update : Reading of the Will Part 2 - The Drama Begins **\*
I’m going to try and get this out quickly and maybe a little more briefly because honestly things are happening so fast now that I don’t think I’ll be able to keep up with these posts.
Before I pick-up where I left off yesterday let me just share that the Chief of Police has been out to see me twice, two of my relatives are facing charges, and more than half of the family has been raging. More on that later.
Not everyone has been toxic though, I’ve had calls and visits from several relatives that told me they were happy for me and offered their support and my father has been there every step of the way. More on that later.
Sam has been the bright spot in all of this, her schedule at the hospital is crazy but when she isn’t there or at her house sleeping or changing, she’s been with me. She and I were together all the way through junior and senior high so she was basically part of the family but now she’s getting to a whole new level of insanity firsthand. She's remained supportive during all of it. When I told her last night about what Joe had done, well - that's a whole nother story!
Anyway – back to The Reading:
As soon as JA put down Joe’s letter and reached for a file, my aunt Patricia and my sister Sarah both started yelling, my cousin David stood up looking furious, jerked the door to the conference room open and left, slamming it behind him and my cousin Steven started coming around the conference table, not sure if he was coming at me or JA but he didn’t look happy. My uncle, Emily, and my other cousin were just staring at everyone in disbelief.
My father jumped up to get in between Steven and JA / me but the gentleman in the back was already on him. At this point it was obvious why he’d been brought in, turns out he’s a sheriff’s deputy from a neighboring county and the JA and Joe had wanted to err on the side of caution by having someone there. As soon as he grabbed Steven my Aunt and sister immediately shut-up to see what was happening. Steven was frog marched out of the conference room and JA followed him out along with my father. A few minutes later they all came back in except for the deputy who remained outside the door for the rest of the meeting. While they were gone everyone was completely silent and JA walked back in to a much more attentive group.
Obviously annoyed, he grabbed his file and asked everyone to wait until he was finished before anyone asked any questions. He explained there while he had been instructed to open the meeting by reading Joe’s letter there had been some updates to the will since Joe’s wrote the letter. Cousins who did not live within 100 miles of our town would receive the $100,000 even if they didn’t attend the reading. Joe had evidently also amended the will at some point after the letter was written to gift members of the family that did not attend $50,000.
JA went on to clarify that while Joe’s will had no conditions on the use of the money it did stipulate that should there be any challenge to the will or attempt to interfere with the orderly estate closure the individuals involved would not receive anything at all.
He wrapped up by explaining that there was adequate cash in the estate to pay any taxes associated with he estate and inheritance in addition to the cash gifts given to each of the family members. All property taxes had already been paid on the real estate and that was no debt associated with the estate. As a result, he expected an uncontested and simple probate period, despite the size of the estate. He shared that he hoped to see the funds distributed in a few months and asked if anyone had any questions.Patricia and Susan started to speak at the same time while Emily raised her hand. JA waved for my aunt and sister to be quiet and asked Emily what questions she had.
Emily just wanted to know if she had to wait until she was 25 to receive her inheritance since she was under 25 but over 18. JA explained that she was under 18 when the will was written but since she was now an adult there would be no waiting period. He did caution her to be careful with the funds and offered to assist her in handling them at no charge. He told her they could either be a a lot of fun for a short period of time or could make a big difference in her life in the future if she was careful. Emily thanked him and said that’s all she wanted to know.
My sister raised her hand next while Patricia sat there looking annoyed. She asked how new the will was. JA explained that while this version was written two years ago it had basically been the same for almost 18 years with changes mostly just reflecting increases in his gifts to the family. Answering the unasked question, he added that I had always been the primary beneficiary and that Joe’s intentions had always been crystal clear.
JA also shared that during the 18 years that this version of will had been in force Joe had increased the value of the estate by well over $175 million dollars, and that his mental health was never in question. Finally, he looked directly at each of the family members there and told them that if I had passed away before Joe the entire estate would have gone into a conservation trust, there would have been no gifts to the family at all. As an attorney I thought his point was crystal clear, you were never considered, don’t make trouble, you won’t win.
Patricia evidently didn’t get the point, still refusing to wait to be acknowledged, she jumped in and asked whether he was he sure this was the only will, was there maybe one somewhere else? She said she couldn’t believe her Uncle would leave them out like this. I wanted to roll my eyes but just kept a straight face, she hadn’t bothered to speak to him for at least as long as Debbie had and probably significantly longer. She lived even closer to her than Debbie and it’s not like we lived in a huge city.
It was when she said “I think WE need to go through his things, he must have changed his will and just not told you. Alex obviously manipulated my dear Uncle Joe.” (yes, she actually sounded just like a soap opera cliché’) that my father had evidently heard enough.
He slammed his hand down on the conference room table and in a voice that was as commanding now as it likely was 30 years ago declared “You absolutely will not go through his things. You’ve squandered everything you’ve ever been given, you know it, Joe knew it, and you’ve made sure I know it because for the last several years you’ve had me supplementing both your income and your sister’s. Don’t even think about making trouble over this, not only can you not afford an attorney, if you do contest this I’ll cut you AND your sister both off. That goes for all my children as well.
Turning to his brother he look at him pointedly and said “Rick, I trust I don’t have to worry about you or your children doing something stupid.” Rick looked down at the table for a minute and then looked back at my dad before saying something to the effect of. “No, I know what happened between Dad and Joe, and looking back Joe was right. I understand why he did what he did and have known for a long time that we screwed up. I’m not going to make it worse, and neither will my children if they know what’s good for them.” He also looked at Patricia and told her that she had treated Uncle Joe terribly, just like everyone else, and that she needed to shut up before she made things worse.
After a moment of general quiet JA asked if anyone had any other questions. No one said a word so he said that we were done for today and that if anyone did think of more questions to just contact him at the office. He told everyone what the will was filed with the probate court that morning and that we’d all receive formal notices shortly. He offered to provide everyone with a copy of the will or told them they could request it directly from the probate court.
With that everyone stood up to leave he asked me to stay back and said we had a lot to cover. I turned to my dad and asked if he’d stay as well. He agreed, JA had lunch brought in and that’s when we really started getting into the details, which I’ll have to share as appropriate but suffice it to say that it’s a complex estate.
Other than that, there is SO much going on. Someday I’m going to be glad I wrote this all down, right now it’s just overwhelming. I may make an update about the family drama that’s unfolding, plus some more about Sam and I. I do think it’s worth sharing what Joe did to hold the family’s legacy together and to build on it. They say still waters run deep… I think I understand that expression better now. I hope I can do half as well as he did.
So much for making this brief!
*** UPDATE: Joe’s Legacy ***
I’m going to summarize what was a three hour initial meeting with JA, my father ,and a series of managers that oversaw Joe’s holdings. The bottom line is that Joe and his brother (my Great Grandfather) had a serious difference of opinion about how the land should be handled. Since the land was easily divided they split the tracts and each went their own way. Enough of the land was already producing revenue from land leases that the family lived very comfortably and didn’t even bother to push for more to be leased out. My Great Grandfather didn’t want to mess with the leases or see the money come in a little at a time, he wanted a lot of money and he wanted it right away. As a result he eventually started selling it off, just smaller parcels at first, but over time he started selling larger and larger tracts.
Joe couldn’t have been any more different but he couldn’t stand the idea of someone else owning our families land. He actively began marketing leases and finding users until about 80% of the property was producing revenue. That gave him the cash flow to buy the land my grandfather was selling. It couldn’t have been easy at first and JA said that in the beginning he had to take out loans to buy the property, but over time he was tucking away so much money every year that he was able to simply pay cash whenever his brother sold off a piece. By the time my grandfather died about 20 years ago he had consolidate 45,000 acres under group of holding companies, a large portion of it producing.
Joe never married (in fact he rarely dated, although I think there may be more to it that simply his desire for privacy) and maintained a simply life, He simply socked away all the revenue from the land and held it to buy more real estate as the opportunity existed. When the Great Recession hit in 2008 he had so much cash on hand that he was able to not only purchase the rest of the land that had ended up with my father and his siblings, he also was able to extend the land holdings significantly beyond that.
He had done something similar in the 70’s and 80’s when the small towns across the U.S. saw businesses closing and buildings sitting empty on Main Street. As those buildings sat vacant Joe purchased them for pennies on the dollar. Among the real estate held by the estate are dozens of buildings and parcels, primarily in our town but also throughout the rest of the valley. All are now occupied although many are rented far below market rates to local business owners. JA said the journals would explain that.
Outside of the real estate, Joe made investments in businesses that he thought had merit. His estate has interests in over 20 locally owned successful enterprises and a couple that eventually moved out of the valley and went public. He stayed away from most stocks, saying he didn’t know much about “big business” (ironic) but did invest in and hold blue chip stocks when the real estate market wasn’t offering “good deals”.
About 35 years ago though he stopped buying anything except for the a few properties that were particularly important to him, other than the land that his father had once held. He avoided making business investments or buying any stock that had any hint of instability. His focus was on building adequate cash to cover estate and inheritance taxes that couldn’t be mitigated or avoided completely by proper planning. As a result he was able to fund trusts establishing a community foundation and a family trust. In fact, both of those already exist outside of probate and will require some immediate attention.
At the end of the meeting JA passed me back the box of journals and the rolled maps he had laid out on the table. The maps contained detailed notes about the properties and the circumstances of their acquisition. It will take me quite a while to get familiarized with them as we didn’t touch on any particular parcels or buildings during the meeting, save one notable one.
After my recovery, but Joe asked me if I wanted to live with him while I figured out what I was going to do. Since the university where I was going to be going to law school was not far from town, I took him up on it. We lived together for nearly two years before my graduation, although I spent my fair share of nights staying at friends’ home after late night study sessions. Joe had a converted apartment above the barn where he kept the Jaguar and a couple of other cars and I moved into it, so we both had our privacy. Going up and down the steep stairs felt like an easier version of rehab and the quiet of being in a barn overlooking the woods was the perfect transition back to real life.
After I graduated, I made the decision to hang out my own shingle about a year after passing the Bar and working as a junior associate at a larger firm. Being older than all the other junior associates was fine but being with a large firm just wasn’t for me. Joe asked me if I was going to continue to stay with him but I told him I planned on moving closer to town as soon as I could find something cheap enough. I explained that I felt like I needed to get back into the community to start building the practice and be more accessible to clients. He thought that was a great idea and I started looking around but wasn’t in a hurry.
About a month later I “ran into” JA and he mentioned that he heard I was looking for an office. He said he had a client that had just renovated one of the downtown buildings and was looking for a tenant. His client didn’t want to give anyone long term lease and so he knew he had to make the rent cheap enough to accept the risk that they might have to move out on short notice. There was an apartment on the second floor and professional offices on the first floor. Once he told me how much the rent would be I took it sight unseen and have lived there for three years.
JA had a smile on his face when he mentioned that my home was now literally “my” home. Evidently, as soon as I told Joe I wanted to move closer to town he had contractors begin rehabbing the building as quickly as possible. Two crews had worked for a month to turn it into an incredible apartment for and the perfect office for a small town lawyer. I have to admit that for the last three years I had been keeping my fingers crossed that I wasn’t going to lose my “too good to be true” rent deal. There is no doubt in my mind that Joe had did more to influence things around this town than anyone, save a select few, ever knew.
JA said we had a lot more to go through but that it had been a long day for everyone. He suggested we pick up the conversation next week, at my convenience. He told me to call him anytime over the weekend if I had any immediate questions. He reminded me that in addition to being one of the firm’s largest clients Joe was also his best friend. He said he’d like to talk soon more about Joe – that there were things I needed to know that probably weren’t in the journals. I thanked him and asked if my dad and I could use the conference room a little while longer. He said of course and started gather his things up.
Before he stood-up to go he paused and with a look of momentary discomfort said: “One last item. The “assistant” we had in the back of the room is a sheriff’s deputy one county over. We felt it best to have security due to the size of the estate and the circumstances of the distribution. We’ve retained him along with several other deputies from nearby counties to maintain 24-hour security over the next several days, just until tempers cool down.”
I was shocked, I hadn’t even considered that someone in the family might want to harm me. I started to shake my head, getting ready to object, certain that it wasn’t necessary, when my father put his hand on my arm and spoke first. “That’s a great idea – I’m sure it won’t be needed but given the circumstance you can’t be too cautious, for Alex AND for anyone that might be around him.”
As he said that my thoughts went to Sam, and I felt guilty for not thinking of her safety. I just nodded and said thank you, that we’d revisit security needs next week after things cooled off.
With that, JA got up, shook our hands, and left. Dad and I sat quietly for a moment, looking at the papers in front of me. Dad spoke first. “You gave Joe something no one else in the family did and he gave back to you in an equal way. Don’t question this and don’t let anyone else cause you to doubt whether this was fair. You’re the only one in the family that Joe could count on to respect his life’s work. If it had been handled any other way his years would have been wasted and he knew it.”
Dad was right, Joe had instilled in me the same respect for our way of life and our family’s legacy that he had. I knew that it was up to me to pass it on. The money was a huge life changer, but the responsibility he had passed on to me was what really had me thinking. Protecting our family’s legacy and preserving our community’s heritage and way of life, he had spent a lifetime building the resources he knew I would need if I was going to honor his vision.
I hope I’m able to make him proud. I told Dad I’d appreciate his help navigating the situation and told him how unprepared I felt to take this on. I asked him how much he knew about everyone’s (our relatives) financial situation and whether he had any idea how people were going to react. He shared that both his sisters had been reckless, they were living on a minimal income, supplemented by him. That their kids had drained them over the years and were themselves, for the most part, overextended. His brother had been more careful and didn’t have to worry but that his divorce had cost him and that when he died there wouldn’t be much to leave the children.
I didn’t ask, but he told me that he was better off than the rest. Even though he had been married three times he and his first wife (my oldest brother’s mother) divorced after just a couple of years and it hadn’t been very costly. It was quite a few years later that he married my mother, we lost her to cancer around 15 years ago. Dad said that when he sold the land it wasn’t because he wanted to live it up, he just didn’t want to deal with the property or manage the leases anymore. He had invested well over the years and didn’t need the headache as he got older.
He also told me that he had a very clear prenup with Jessica and that if they remained married she would receive an allowance after he passed and have a condo in a nice resort community in the area to live in for the rest of her life, but that she was not going to be receiving a sizable portion of the estate. He told me that as immature as could be sometimes that she was well meaning and that after the loss of my mother she had brought him happiness again. He said she forced him to stay young in order to keep up with her.
He told me she felt horrible about the way she handled the call with me, she was trying to be helpful and went about it horribly wrong. She wanted to try and get in front of it with the family because she knew I would want the car. Evidently, she had also told Dad he needed to buy it for me if I didn’t have the cash. I guess I misjudged her as badly as Joe misread the situation with Dad. I’ve got to do better if I’m ever going to be able to bring the family together.
Since he and Joe didn’t speak anymore he never knew Joe had held onto his land (and he’d certainly never told me) or that he would have wanted to buy it, so he put it on the market and reinvested the proceeds of the sale. His investments had done well and although his estate was nothing like Joe’s he didn’t need to worry about money, could help his sisters, and expected each of his children to helped well along in their retirement planning when he died.
I couldn’t believe how much I’d mistaken I’d been about Dad’s financial planning – maybe I picked up on Joe’s disdain for what he thought everyone was doing or maybe it was because, as a family we really didn’t talk much about money.
Dad and his siblings never really had normal careers so us kids money just “was” – it wasn’t until later that you really got to understand how hard most people worked for it. I know that my oldest brother and some of my cousins had struggled to put together normal lives, lacking much in the way of an example from our parents.
Joe had assumed my father had as little regard for the opportunities he had been given as his brother had had. I can’t believe that my father and Joe shared so much more in common than they thought. I immediately realized unless we wanted the family’s “legacy” to be misunderstandings and unrealistic life expectations the first thing that would have to change was going to be how we communicated.
I feel like Dad was thinking the same thing I was. It had been a long and emotional day, it was almost 4:30 and I knew that most people had probably already left the firm’s offices for the day. I didn’t want to take advantage of anyone and suggested we talk over the weekend. Dad agreed and said he’d be making some calls this evening to talk to other people in the family and would update me.
Both of our phones had been on silent, and when he mentioned making calls I looked down to see I had 37 missed calls and over 20 new messages I noticed Dad looking at his and the expression on his face told me that he was seeing the same thing. We stood up and hugged before gathering up our folders. I grabbed my backpack and Dad packed his briefcase (I just can’t bring myself to carry one or an attache) and we headed to the door.
Leaving the conference room we found the deputy waiting outside the doors, waiting to introduce himself. Dad gave him his number and asked him to call if he needed anything. I explained I was going to be meeting a friend for dinner but that first I was going to go change. He said he’d be posted outside my building or wherever I went until 7:00, after which he’d would be changing places with the next deputy. I asked Dad not to say anything about the security since I didn’t want to drive a wedge between myself and the family and he agreed. In hindsight me might have avoided some drama later if I hadn’t asked that, but I still think it was for the best.
I had about two hours to kill before I was going to meet Sam and share what happened that day. I knew she’d be happy about the property and the car but I didn’t know how she’d react to the news. I will share that it wasn’t what I expected.
Sorry – this is long again. I’m going to have to try and catch-up at some point but I’ll have to save what happened during my talk with Sam and the first of this weekend’s “family issues” for the next post.
Thanks again for all the well wishes and for giving me things to think about.

I am an American citizen trying to visit someone in Oran. We are working on the invitation paper process and I'd like to know if anyone has experience filling these out. What information do I need to provide? Do you have any other advice I should know? Thanks in advance.

If you came here from AITAH then you've possibly already read this... if not, this is the story of what unfolded after my Great Uncle Joe passed away, and what has turned into a crazy few days - and maybe a story that will continue for years to come.
A couple of days ago, my Joe passed away at the age of 92. The best way to describe Joe was “eccentric.” He was reclusive and very private, living on what I assume was the last little piece of our family’s property (my great-grandfather had amassed a large amount of land that had been sold off over the decades after his death). A lot of people thought he was a hermit, but I never saw him like that. To me, he was the most compassionate person I knew. He was wise, caring, and honestly the only person in the family that ever spent serious quality time with me.
Joe had always been the odd man out in our family. He was the youngest of three brothers – Alex, (who I’m named after) died in the Korean war and my grandfather Robert passed away when I was still in high school. My family never bothered to pay attention to Joe; he was never invited to family events. In fact, I think he was ignored because he lived a simple life in a shotgun house on what I guess was the last piece of land that my Great Grandfather (GG) had owned. I got the feeling that no one wanted to bother him, thinking he’d just cause them trouble or maybe ask them for money, but I spent a lot of time with him, and we shared many conversations about life, legacy, and the things that truly matter – he never appeared to need anything and certainly never asked me for money.
Now, a bit more backstory on the family. We’ve been in this area for generations, and there's a strong sense of unearned privilege among many of my relatives. Like I said earlier, my GG owned a lot of land, around 60,000 acres to be exact. It was fertile farmland, tracts of timber, and stretched into the mountains where he had leased out select areas for mining, and some of the most beautiful lakes and riverfront in the state. When he died, each of the brothers inherited 30,000 acres from their parents (1/2 to each surviving son of the 60,000 total acres of timberland, mining leases, and game land my GG owned). Our grandfather, like his brothers, sold off his share over the years. He lived large and was married three times, having children with each wife. By the time he died, he had sold off about half his land, and his children (including my father) each received a nice cash inheritance and split the remaining land among them equally.
This should have been plenty for most people to retire comfortably, but not for my family. Each of the children, my dad included, then sold off their land to fund their standard of living until finally there was nothing left. There was a lot of resentment among the uncles and aunts and particularly among the cousins who experienced different upbringings—some of whom had little to no memory of their grandfather and even less knowledge of the legacy my family had been gifted, and squandered. Joe was the only one that seemed to care about the family’s legacy and wanted to preserve some record of it. He would sit with me for hours telling stories. When I came back from Afghanistan and was slowly recovering from my injuries he came and saw me every day. He’d share stories and I’d write them down – I’ve got a heck of a collection to share with my children one day, if I’m ever lucky enough to meet the right lady.
From a young age, I was captivated by Joe's stories about his oldest brother, who died in the Korean War. There was an 18-year age difference between them, so they didn’t share many adventures, but Joe idolized his brother as a hero. Those stories inspired me deeply, and I was the only one in the family who chose to serve in the military. Joe was my biggest supporter during my service and, later, when I was injured and medically retired before I turned 30. After my recovery, Joe encouraged me to pursue a career that would make a difference. Ultimately, I decided to go back to college and attend law school. The two years of law school were a nice distraction from the physical and mental pain I brought back with me from the war, and I ultimately became an attorney advocating for veterans. Now I have a small practice in town and focus most of my efforts on pro-bono work (I’m comfortable on the few paying cases I take at a time and my military retirement). I live and work in a cool old space on our town’s main street that I lucked into at a super cheap rent.
This morning I got a call from my great-uncle’s attorney (who was also one of his only friends). I know him professionally, and he’s a good man – he feeds me the occasional client that’s not right for his firm, and we’ve got a good working relationship. He said that Joe had instructed him to prepare me to be ready to deal with some family drama after his will was read. He said Joe wanted me to know he loved me, that he had confidence that I’d do the right thing, and that he was sorry that I was the only one he could trust to handle “things” appropriately. Cryptic, right? Well, that was pretty much normal for Joe! Damn, I’m going to miss him, but I guess I already said that.
Joe always implied that I was the only one in the family that ever showed him any concern and that he’d never forget it, but we never talked about money or anything else; it wasn’t important to either of us. I think Joe made me realize how much more important it was to be a good man than a rich man and that nothing else ever really mattered. The rest of my family definitely doesn’t see it like this.
Like I said, Joe was the black sheep because he didn’t fit into the mold of privilege and entitlement. Most of the family didn’t treat him with the respect he deserved, and they really missed out on getting to know an amazing person. I will say though that Joe had a sharp wit and wasn’t shy about sharing his opinions of how my father and his siblings had treated the family’s legacy. There’s a part of me that thinks Joe might have set things up to mess with those who ignored him and didn’t honor their heritage and ancestors.
I’m not sure what to expect to come from this, but Joe was eccentric, not delusional – if he said that he was getting ready to deal me some “family drama” to deal with then I believe him, but honestly I can’t figure what it would be. Joe was a simple guy – he never worked that I knew of, and the times I asked him what he did for a living, he’d just tell me that he had my great-grandfather to thank for a nice life. I assume he’s referring to the land he sold off, giving him the means to just hunt, fish, raise his dogs (I’ll have to tell you about them sometime), and spend time with me. Maybe Joe managed to hold onto some cash and was going to make a big deal about what he was doing with it? I suppose some of the family might get spun up about that given the fact there is not much left from what my GG passed on?
I’ll know more tomorrow. The will is supposed to be read on Friday, and I’ll update you then. Maybe I’m worried about nothing, but I feel like I’m about to be in a battle, and I haven’t felt like this since Kabul. I know this isn’t an AITA post yet, but I guess I’m wondering if AIGTBTA – Am I Going To Be The Asshole?
*** MINI-UPDATE **\*
I've had several more calls from extended family asking if I knew anything and I still don't have anything concrete to share but it sounds like everyone over the age of 18 has been asked to come to the reading, that's a little unusual in my opinion but then again I don't know how long ago Joe wrote this will. By my count there could be up to 15 people there tomorrow.
I went to Joe's place to pick up his dog's stuff early this morning (he's living with me now) and as much as I'd have liked to nose around to try and figure out what's going on I have too much respect for him to do that (plus it's not my stuff). There was a stack of bound journals (he's the one that had me start journaling) and other documents on the dining table. Joe had set a note on top asking for them to be delivered to his attorney in the event he passed. I think he knew he wasn't coming back and set them out there so they wouldn't be overlooked when the family came in after he died. He was very concerned that a lot of family history was going to be forgotten when he died. I'll make sure that doesn't happen.
One thing did stick out as strange - the other reason I went by was to pick up his mail so I could drop it at his attorney's office this afternoon before the meeting tomorrow - lucky I did since he left that pile of stuff. Obviously I didn't open any mail, but I can say that it's not what I expected. He spent several days in the hospital before he died and I hadn't been back to his house since he went in, so I knew there would be about a week's worth of mail piled up. I figured it would be mostly bills and junk but several of the letters looked like checks from corporations, including a couple I'm personally familiar with. Maybe he did have more going on than I thought, but honestly it just wasn't ever something we talked about.
Last quick thing and nothing to do with the AITAH thing- only sharing because I'm actually personally excited about something that happened and this is taking the place of my journaling for a couple of day. About a month ago my high-school sweetheart moved back to town to take a position with the local hospital. She used to come to Joe's with me when we were in high school and Joe let us take his brother's car to go to Prom. He really liked her and she always said she enjoyed spending time with him too.
She was a year behind me in school. We tried to keep seeing each other after I enlisted but that almost never works out. After graduation she went to college, then medical school, and did her residency on the West Coast. She rarely came back and I was gone for so long we totally lost touch. It's been over decade since we've actually seen each other, although I did hear from her a couple times after I was injured. Back then she was just starting her residency and between her schedule, the time difference, and my rehab we never really got could find the time to really reconnect.
Yesterday she called me to tell me how sorry she was to hear he had passed and we're planning on meeting for drinks tonight to catch up - hopefully tonight. I really needed something to look forward to and this definitely qualifies!
*** (NOT SO) MINI-UPDATE 2 **\*
Ok, I didn't think I'd be updating again until have the reading tomorrow morning at 10:30, but things are heating up a little already. In addition to the random calls from cousins who knew that Joe and I were close as well as from my siblings, I’ve gotten three phone calls today from the "previous generation".
First call was from my Aunt Debbie, she’s the youngest of my dad’s brothers and sisters and always has been a lot to deal with. She married a nice guy but always is complaining about money, wanting to travel more, buy a nicer home, etc. After my grandfather passed away she spent the money he left her on who-knows-what and within 10 years had sold off all of the land she had inherited. Unfortunately she was selling off land when the market was down during the recession, so what would have probably been worth well over $30,000,000 today she sold for less than a third of that. That’s still a lot of money but it seems like she’s burned through a lot of it already (or given it to her kids). Anyway – she called me to tell me that she knows I’m the only one with a key to Joe’s place and she wanted me to meet her there and let her in this afternoon. I told her I was already busy today and she got a little annoyed and told me not to forget to bring it with me to the reading tomorrow. She said they want to clear the house out ASAP because she's going to develop the land into homesites and needs to get things rolling. This was news to me but I just ignored her and told her I’d see her tomorrow. For reference, I know for a fact that despite living within 30 minutes of Joe she hadn’t spoken to him in over a DECADE!
The next call I got was from my father’s current wife, Jessica. She’s 20 years younger than he is and is the only wife he didn’t have kids with (thank God, and no, I don't care if she reads this). Anyway – my dad’s wife called me and said she knew how much Joe / Alex’s car meant to me and told me that if I wanted to buy it she’d try to give me the first shot at it. I just thanked her and got off the phone. This woman has literally never even met Joe.
Finally, I just got off the phone with my dad. He called me about 30 minutes after his wife did. This is the first time I’ve heard from him since Joe died. My Dad is actually closer to Joe’s age than Joe was to Alex’s. Joe was 14 when my dad was born, like me he was so much younger than his brothers that there was almost a generational gap between them. Joe was probably more like an older brother than a young uncle and for a while they were really close but something happened (no one ever told me what) and there was a falling out.
My dad has a big personality – he’s lived a pretty extravagant life and for despite being nearly 80 years old (yeah, he was over 60 before I got out of high school) he’s still the “big man” when he goes into a room. He was my Grandfather’s oldest son so he’s always taken on the lead role at family events. Like his sisters and brother he sold off his land too, although I know he sold it off in smaller pieces and over a longer period of time. He basically used it as bank account and selling it off was his version of making a withdrawal. I assume he’s set for the rest of his life and I know my brothers and sister are expecting an inheritance when he dies. In fact - they speak pretty openly about it.
My Dad's call was a welcome change after the calls from Debbie and Jessica. My dad actually sounded pretty reserved and a little down. The first thing he did was apologize to me for Jessica’s call. He told me she had no right to do that and she had no say in anything that was going to happen with Joe’s property - or his one day for that matter. Evidently he tore her a new one after walking in on the tail-end of her conversation with me. He told me that he knew I was the only one in the family that spent time with Joe and that regardless of what happens at reading tomorrow he was going to give me anything Joe left him – if he left him anything at all. He told me that he appreciated how much I had done for Joe and that he had regrets about how their relationship had soured. I’ve literally never heard him talk like that before and it honestly has me a little emotional. It sucks that he has to live with those regrets when a 30 minute drive was all it would have taken to start fixing a relationship.
Finally – he told me that he didn’t really know for sure but he suspected tomorrow might hold some surprises. He told me that he’d be there to back me up no matter what happened and that I wasn’t going to be alone. I asked him if he knew something but he promised me he didn’t know anything for sure and that he would have told me if he did. He said he'd just always had suspicions about "some things" and that depending on how things unfolded he didn’t want to see any more relationships go the way his and Joe’s had, or the way Joe and my grandfather’s had.
I told him about the call from Debbie and he said she was way out of line and to not worry about it, that he'd be giving her a call immediately after he got off the phone with me. He also told me that I shouldn’t let anyone else in Joe’s house, that I was the only one Joe gave a key to for a reason and that no one had any business going in there until after the will was read.
Obviously I wasn’t planning on letting anyone in but this was possibly the most supportive call I’ve ever had with my father and I just appreciated that he was planning on standing up for me. My brothers, sister, and cousins (I’ve got 2 brothers, 1 sister and 8 cousins) all got used to a certain way of life from their parents but frankly none of them have been able to maintain it on their own and most of them are pretty petty about it. Their parents aren't much better, despite having had the benefit of a generous inheritance.
I’ve got to stop by the attorney’s office at 4:30 and then I’m meeting Samantha (Sam) for drinks and maybe dinner if we both have time. If you want to hear about that let me know, otherwise I’ll just stick to the family stuff.
*** up-DATE **\*
It’s late – I don’t know if I’ll get all this out but I wanted to write it down before I forgot.
First, Joe’s attorney looks worn out. He didn’t share much when I dropped everything off, just thanked me and we chatted for a few minutes. He did say that he hoped I was going to get a good night’s rest, that tomorrow was going to be long. He also asked how many clients I was working with right now, which was odd, we rarely talk about caseloads. I told him I was just handling some contract work and a few family estate planning matters (ironic, right?). He just nodded and said “Good.” I could tell he wanted to say more but he just shook my hand and said he’d see me in the morning.
Drinks with Sam turned into dinner and then dinner turned into an after-dinner drink before we both had to get home since it’s a “school night”. Seeing her was like stepping back in time... I don’t know about her, but for me all the feelings that I thought were just a high school crush came rushing back as soon as I sat down with her. I know I might just be feeling a little bit stressed by what’s going on and maybe she’s just a welcome relief from a bad week, but I’ll take it for now. She’s done everything she said she would in high school – stayed focused in college and medical school, did her surgical residency in under six years and then her cardiothoracic fellowship. She literally just finished and moved back here as soon as she was done. Evidently she received a full scholarship from a foundation associated with the hospital on the condition she return to provide surgical support to the community for 5 years after she finished her fellowship. We’ve got a fantastic hospital but I guess it’s always a challenge to recruit talented surgeons. I told her about my practice and the veteran advocacy work I do. I told her I didn’t plan on getting rich doing it but that I enjoyed being home and that the connection I felt to the land here just keeps growing stronger.
We talked a lot about Joe. She surprised me when she told me that she kept in touch with him even after we stopped seeing each other. She’d call him once a month or so to see how he was doing and she had evidently visited him when he was in the hospital during his last few days. He never told me that she stayed in touch – in fact we never spoke much about her at all. I hadn’t seen her in ten years and frankly didn’t think she’d ever come back from the West Coast. I’m starting to think that Joe kept a lot of secrets.
I told her about the reading of the will tomorrow and the phone calls I’d gotten today she got visibly upset when I mentioned the comment about the car and I think she almost cried when I told her my aunt wanted to tear down Joe’s house and divide the land up for a bunch of houses.
Then she reminded me about Joe’s plans for a house… I had completely forgotten that back when she and I would go over there regularly he had pulled out these extensive plans for a large home that he said was designed to be built on the slope of the valley, overlooking the river below that fronts the property. It was intended to be a family home, but without a family he never saw the point of living anywhere other than his house.
He had done the designs himself, drawing every architectural detail, making landscaping plans, even identified the site. He was quite an artist and had put so much of himself into those plans. I can’t believe she remembered them but she said she always wanted to see that cabin in person and couldn’t bare the thought that someone would chop up the beautiful property just to put in a bunch of McMansions for the crowd coming out from the city for the weekend and summers. I told her I was going to do everything I could to prevent that from happening but that I didn’t know how it was going to turn out.
For a while I forgot about tomorrow and we just got caught up on what we’d been doing. She let me share what I wanted to and never pried for more information. We ended up holding hands across the table, which somehow felt incredibly intimate. When it was time to go I walked her to her car and opened her door for her. She turned to me and we hugged for what seemed like a full minute before she sat down and I closed the door. She rolled the window down and told me she wanted me to call her right after the will is read and that if I needed her to she’d be there if things got unpleasant.
So that’s it – kind of a perfect way to end the day. I wanted to get this out before I went to bed, it’s helping me keep my head clear. Next update will be after the will is read.
NOPE: I was literally about to hit post on this and my phone dinged with a text from Sam. I’ll just put it here exactly as I got it: “Tonight made me feel like life interrupted something special 18 years ago. Let's not let it interrupt us again.” I guess it wasn’t just me.
I think whatever happens tomorrow I’ll be fine. Next update will be after the will is read. Thanks for all the comments - honestly this is very cathartic - even the ugly ones.
*** UPDATE-ISH **\*
Ok - this morning has been crazy. There is too much to unpack here all at once and I'm supposed to go back in with Joe's attorneys in a few minutes. The family is mostly gone (I asked my dad to stay) and the firm is bringing in lunch shortly so we can keep working through the details.
Honestly, I don't know what to think. I know I promised an update and I'll try to get one out today, but more happened this morning than I can even think about getting down on paper. I haven't processed most of it myself and this afternoon sounds like it's going to be more of the same.
Some of you were right, and yes, there was drama. Also - I know I'm not going to be the asshole but I can already tell not everyone is going to feel the same way.
Side note - Sam called me this morning and told me not to let the property go no matter what. She even offered to help me pay for it while I figured things out. I've got a lot to talk to her about. I know I need to get to know the adult Sam and she needs to get to know me but for now it's good to have someone to talk to since I can't talk to Joe.
*** Update : Reading of the Will Part 1 - The Letter **\*
This day has been ridiculous. I'm sad, angry, honored, and humbled all at once, and processing that is harder than I thought it would be. I'm waiting on Sam to get done at the hospital – she’ll call me on the way here. I've got a lot to talk to her about and I haven’t told her anything yet. Let me first say that I'm not comfortable sharing the full details on everything going on right now but I won't hold back on the people side of things. I’m also going to have to break this up into a couple of posts I’m sure… sorry this is long but this is just how I journal.
As I mentioned already, the day started really well. Samantha called me first thing this morning - I didn't text her back last night because it was so late and I was really tired. I also wanted time to think about "us" (if there can even be an us already?) before I spoke with her again. I'm not a rash person. I've never been someone to rush into anything and frankly I've not had a serious relationship since Sam and I broke up. I've had a series of girlfriends, some that I loved in many ways, but no one that, in hindsight, I was "in love with".
Between trying to juggle school and the service, two deployments, and then the transition back to civilian life, I just wasn't that interested. Now that I'm back home and have settled in to a life and a sort-of career I've been ready to find someone but frankly I just haven't met anyone who I connect with on a level deeper than just shared interests.
When I woke up this morning I knew that something was different. Despite everything going, on my first thoughts weren't about the reading today, or losing Joe, they were about Sam. As much as I loved that feeling I know it's time to be cautious. I don't want to hurt Sam or frankly, to get hurt.
When she called I wasn't sure what she was going to say but I was honestly a little worried that we wouldn't be on the same page - I shouldn't have been. She told me she didn't want me to freak out about what she said, but that she also meant every word. She wanted me to understand that she isn’t into games, that she’s serious about seeing if the older versions of us are everything we’re both looking for. She wants to pick up where we left off 18 years ago but take it slowly, and get to know each other again. It sounds like we’re on the exact same page, so I guess I’m going steady with my high school girlfriend?
She also wanted me to not worry about the property – she offered to help me buy it if I needed to come up with the money quickly and that no matter what happened between us she didn’t want to see it broken up – that Joe meant too much to both of us to let that happen.
As kind as that was I went ahead called our local bank this morning to ask about getting a loan quickly if I needed one. The loan officer put me on hold when I explained the situation and the potential need to move quickly. He came back and said he had asked the bank president if there was any way they could help. He had been assured that there would be no issue securing any financing necessary. He asked the loan officer to pass along his condolences about Joe, he evidently had known him for a long time, and said that he was looking forward to meeting me soon.
This left me feeling much more comfortable going into the meeting with my family but nothing could have prepared me for the rest of the day. Now, if I’m being completely honest I really did feel like there was a good chance that Joe would leave the house and car to me simply because he didn’t have a relationship with anyone else in the family, I just didn’t want to make assumption and I didn’t feel like I was entitled to anything simply because of my relationship with Joe.
When I got to the firm’s offices I was shown in to their largest conference room. I was surprised to see several people there other than Joe’s attorney. My father was the only other person there when I arrived, he and the attorney were having a quiet conversation in at the head of the table but stopped when I walked in. Since I’m going to mention him frequently let’s just call Joe’s Attorney JA. JA introduced me to everyone in the room, which included a stenographer, an associate attorney, a gentleman he just referred to as an assistant brought in for the reading stood at the back of the room by the doors.
Now, readings themselves are a little uncommon these days, but still done on occasion (I typically do one or two a year), however I’ve never had anyone else in the room with me and thought this was very strange. I guess I must have been looking at JA with a funny expression because he just raised an eyebrow and shrugged. At about that time people started trickling in until 10:30 rolled around and JA stood and asked everyone to be seated. He then nodded to the gentleman that had been standing in the back who went to the doors where he closed and locked them.
In all there were 9 of us in the room, me, my father, his younger brother and oldest sister, my sister Sarah. Four of my cousins showed up, including my youngest, Emily who was one of the few people that I enjoyed seeing at family events. She’s creative and smart – she just graduated from high school and is getting ready to go to college. I was surprised that she came but I had spent a lot of time telling her about Joe over the last couple of years and had been hoping they’d get a chance to know each other now that she was older.
JA started speaking, thanking everyone for coming and sharing how much he was going to miss Joe, that he was more than a client, he was his oldest friend and he was glad to see at least a few family members come. About 10 minutes after 10:30 someone tried the door and found it locked. They started banging on it and the gentleman in the back quickly moved to open it and step outside. I could see my oldest brother and Aunt Debbie try to push in as he opened the door, only to be firmly moved back as he stepped outside to speak to them. JA stood quietly for a moment and everyone could hear raised voices coming through the heavy oak doors. I heard my brother say something to the effect of “this is bullshit” and Debbie started shrieking before it sounded like both of them were abruptly cut off. A moment later the doors re-opened and the gentleman came back in. Debbie and my brother were gone.
JA paused another moment and then carried on. He explained that Joe had instructed him to ensure that no one join after the meeting began – he told us he was now going to read a letter from Joe, this is a slightly edited copy of the letter he wrote that JA read from:
Thank you to those that showed up, since most of you never bothered to show up while I was alive I wasn’t sure you’d come today! Those that didn’t come, or couldn’t be bothered to on time aren’t missing anything since they aren’t going to be getting anything now anyway.
For the rest of you, thank you, no matter what your motivation was you at least showed up. I’ve left instructions for each of you to receive $100,000 as my final gift to the family. There are not stipulations and no conditions, have fun, do good, use it as your heart tells you. To those grand-nieces and nephews that are under the age of 18 and were not invited, I gift each of them $100,000, which will be held in trust until their 25th birthday.
(It was at this point that I knew something was up – Joe had just given away over a million dollars to people just for showing up on time. If everyone that had been invited had shown up it would have been over 2 million dollars – that was honestly more than I thought his entire estate would be worth.)
Family is important, something that has been lost of too many of you. Some of you got caught up the trappings that came from other people’s hard work, took for granted the efforts of your ancestors and squandered their gifts - and that’s what an inheritance is, a gift, not a right. You prioritized having fun over protecting the legacy so you could pass it on to the next generation.
Only one of you chose to put others before himself. Only one of you has shown respect and appreciation for the gifts of the land, the community that we live in, and the people that came before him, just as his namesake did.
Robert, I hope you’re here for this, we didn’t always agree, and I have so much regret about how our relationship went the wrong way, the fight with your father about his decisions and behavior, shouldn’t have become our fight as well. I want you to know how much I appreciate you bringing Alex into this family, for honoring my brother by passing on his name to him, and for allowing me to have a relationship with him. You’ll never know what that meant to me. I want you to know that I love you like a brother and wish I had tried harder to bridge the divide created by my relationship with your father while we still had time.
(I've never seen my father look so emotional. It was difficult to see the sadness in his eyes but I felt like I also saw pride. Watching him made me start to get emotional as well and I struggled to put my attention back on the reading)
With regard to the bulk of my estate, I leave all my possessions, the land, the house and its contents along with my investments and holdings to Alex. Alex, it will take time for you to go through everything and familiarize yourself with what this means. We’ve been planning this for almost 20 years, your training as a lawyer will be very helpful but pay attention to the advisors we’ve assembled. There will be decisions that must be made. I’ve asked (JA) to give you my journals, along with some thoughts I wanted to save just for you. Please read them and don’t feel like you’re intruding, they’re all that is left of me and I hope they’ll help guide you, my mistakes don’t have to be yours. Someday you may also want to share them with family, they are yours to do with as you wish, these too are part of my legacy.
Now, to the rest of the family, I know that you’ve sold off the land that my father left my brother and me. I know this because I’ve spent the last 50 years secretly buying up every acre you wanted to sell, or buying it back if I didn’t find out in time. I’ve preserved what you were willing to destroy and built on it. I know that most of you have very little left to pass on to your children. So, to you, my family, I leave a chance at a new legacy. I have established a family trust to be overseen and directed by Alex. The trust has been funded with $XX million dollars. It will be up to Alex to decide how the funds are used but he is to appoint a family board of advisors to help preserve our legacy.
Finally, I have established a community foundation, tasked with the mission of helping preserve the way of life that has made this valley special for hundreds of years. I’ve directed $XX million from the estate to create the initial fund but expect that others in the community will add to it. I’ve entrusted the responsibility to oversee this fund to Alex and a select group of community leaders. The others have already agreed to help and contribute, and I hope Alex will honor my wishes that he oversee the fund.
Alex, our family has been part of this valley for over 150 years. For all it has given to us it is now our responsibility to help sustain it and protect it. I know I can count on you to do everything you can to carry on this family’s legacy but beyond that, what I truly hope is that you don’t have to do it alone, as I did. You will always have my love, thank you for giving me yours.
JA looked up from the paper and for a heartbeat the silence was deafening, then the shouting began.
I’ve got to stop here – Sam is on her way and we have a lot to talk about. I was with the attorneys until 4pm. After all the drama unfolded (thank God my dad was there, and that Debbie didn’t show up on time) I still had to spend several hours with the attorneys. I’ll spend the weekend with the journals but I’m sure I’ll be hearing from family all weekend too. I might have to turn my phone off.
Part 2 will probably be tomorrow – I’m hoping to just decompress with Sam tonight. I need a break. Thank you everyone for the well wishes and the good thoughts.

Hi,
I am currently drafting my father-in-laws visitor visa application, he is retired in Pakistan, served in the military and current is receiving his pension, of which I have a letter confirming, as well as owns land in his country.
I am inviting him for a few weeks and want my application water-tight, can someone help advise what else might be required, how much money would I need to show, for how long for?
Any help is gratefully appreciated.

Me (22M) and my girlfriend (24F) have been in a serious relationship for about three weeks, but we have known each other for more than a year. She is my first gf, and I'm her third boyfriend. I, of course, don't have much relationship experience since all I had before her were brief flings. Our relationship has had problems for a long time. I'm a very literal and verbal person whereas she is very much an "acts of service" person. I need to be told stuff you would want me to do in order to do them, but she says that I look annoyed when she asks me for stuff (I'm not), and she would prefer that she didn't even need to ask me for stuff and that if I cared about her I would do them without she needing to ask. She loves me but she feels that I don't love her back and she wants to stay with me because she can't control her love for me and it would be much worse if we broke up. Ideally, I should be able to do stuff for her that would destroy her insecurities. She says she doesn't want big gestures or complex things, they are basic and simple stuff that are "common sense" and I can find that information easily. Recently we had a discussion about this where she said she felt horrible and will stop asking me to do stuff because I always look annoyed when I do them, and I do not know how I can possibly give that impression, and that even though she will be unsatisfied she will feel less bad by doing that. The problem is that now I won't know what she wants because she will stop telling me, and I thought I was doing fine. I buy her chocolate once in a while, I wrote her a love letter on her birthday, I go bring her lunch, I ask to carry her bag for her, and I buy her whatever she wants (she never asked for something too expensive). What am I missing, and what should I do to make her insecurities go away and make her feel satisfied? For context, she has BPD. I don't know what kind of gestures she expects of me.

Yes- I'm 14, and the girl I like is 12. I know the age difference is significant, especially on an emotional level, but she means a lot to me (I'm relatively short for my age, so I could be mistaken for a 12 or 13-year-old). Let's call this girl "Alice".
I'm finishing middle school in about a week and have exams coming up. I've liked Alice since I first saw her in February, and I can't stop thinking about her. She's the sister of one of my classmate's ex-boyfriends (Let's call this classmate "Ava") and she was also getting a lot of attention from the girls in my class. I kept this to myself until I told my best friend (Let's call him Matthew). Initially, I wasn't sure what I was feeling because I had never liked anyone before. At some point, I was teasing Matthew, and in a moment of anger, he blurted out to the whole class that I liked Alice. The girls, including Ava, were surprised but offered to help. Predictably, the secret lasted only six days. When Alice next visited our class, Ava told her I liked her. Alice looked at me for a moment, (sorta) blushed and left the class. I didn't have the courage to talk to her while she was still outside the class, and at the end of recess one of her friends later told me Alice didn't like me. I cried almost every day during the Easter holidays. When school resumed, Ava said Alice wanted to see me. Alice, hugging Ava, seemed shy but smiled when asked to at least ask for my name. My friends thought she might like me based on her reaction. I didn't talk to Alice for a week, and none of my friends pushed me to. Then one of Alice's classmates (Let's call her Brooke) said Alice was waiting for me to talk to her. So at recess, I visited Alice in her class, and she said hi, looking embarrassed, happy, and confused at the same time. She then hid in the bathroom, and her friends, who seemed enthusiastic about the situation, assured me she was just shy. At some point, Ava called me to talk to Alice again, but Alice ran away. Ava later said Alice thought I was cute. In the following days, I visited Alice often, just to say hi, but her friends encouraged me to be more direct. I went up to her and she tried to run away, but her friends stopped her. She eventually took a deep breath and asked what I wanted to tell her. I told her I liked her, and she made the same face from a few days earlier. After that, Alice seemed to lose interested. The next day, we had a proper conversation, and she said she'd see me later, but I didn't manage to visit her during the lunch break. For various reasons, I couldn't visit her for the next week. When I finally did, Alice sent Brooke to tell me she didn't like me, so I was miserable, but after a few minutes, Brooke changed this answer to "It's not a yes or a no," which was confusing. I later realised this might've just been a little remark to make me feel better. I wasn't completely defeated since Alice hadn't rejected me in person. Ava wrote a fake love letter from me to Alice, despite my objections. She managed to sneak past me and bring her the letter. From far away, I could see that Alice seemed happy and surprised by it. However, her friends stopped talking about the situation and helping me, which wasn't necessarily a bad thing, but I found it suspicious. I couldn't gather the courage to talk to Alice for a month, so I decided to write her a letter expressing how much she meant to me and wanting to clear things up. The day I planned to give it to her, I found out she had gotten a boyfriend three days earlier (Don't take this seriously, but I've seen him and for the record, I could easily beat him up). She seems pretty attatched to him too, because to my dismay, they hold hands and sometimes even kiss. Alice still occasionally looks at me with a neutral expression or sometimes even says hi, for whatever reason. Anyway, I've got one week of school left and I've lost all hope, so my question is, what should I do- if anything? Should I talk to her one last time? What should I say? Should I truly give up on this forever? And also, does anyone have any idea what was going on in her head during this whole ordeal? Please, this truly means a lot to me.
TLDR: I'm finishing middle school and have liked a girl two years younger than me for the past few months. My classmates told her, and they pushed us to talk. We had a few awkward conversations, and she seemed somewhat interested. Eventually, one of her friends said she didn't like me, and my classmates stopped helping or talking about this situation. I tried talking to her myself for a month but couldn't. I wrote her a letter, but she got a boyfriend three days before I could give it to her. Now I've got one week of school left and have lost hope. She occasionally looks at me or says hi, for whatever reason. Should I talk to her one last time? And also, does anyone have any idea what was going on in her head during this whole ordeal?

DH and I have been married for almost 10 years at this point, together for 12. Initially I thought his mom was a bit much but tolerable. Some examples from over the years: - She managed to get the photog my parents paid for to take a generation photo for her while my mother who had asked the photog for one as well didn’t get one, one was created later after some photoshop. - Asked her to dog sit and found the cat outside (indoor only) and dog pee everywhere in addition to other destruction - she didn’t dog sit again for awhile. - we didn’t tell her when I was hospitalized during my pregnancy because I felt awful and didn’t have the energy. She guilted us afterwards about not knowing. - we didn’t tell her when I had a scheduled c-section, my mom was present at the hospital we told her that afternoon. She came in preceded by her camera, taking photos with flash and then scolded me for ruining the photo when I shielded my newborns eyes. DH took her outside, had some words with her, she called me mean, theatrically sobbed, came in briefly and then left theatrically sobbing…. - she watched LO once when she was a toddler, afterwards we had to spend days correcting LO’s behavior towards landlines… - asked her to dog sit again…. Realized 48 hours in she had forgotten and not tended to our dog/cat - frantically called a friend to let the poor dog out and feed him. - got pushed into going to lunch after a kid event, settled on a place after much discussion - turned out to be much more expensive than initially thought - she kept nagging at me and then referred to me as DH’s wife in their long phone argument regarding it. - recently for LO’s birthday she received a card with flower seeds and an invite to plant them at her house (invite not discussed with me or DH) I have stopped inviting her to events because it’s problematic at best. She doesn’t understand boundaries and doesn’t understand that DH does not want her alone with LO. I made the mistake of posting a photo from a recent event to social media. I thought I had her restricted but something with my filters changed and she saw the photo. Cue early morning text message stating she cut back on work hours/pay to spend time with family and she needs to be invited to these things. DH responded to her calling out her attempt to manipulate him. - she also will text my mom and ask why I’m so mean….
At this point I have no desire to interact with her; I worry about her influence on LO and I just don’t want the stress. We are LC and have been for the majority of our marriage.
Am I just petty or is she a JustNO?

I'm seething right now, so I truly apologize if I come off as terrible and if this is jumbled. I (F21) am an introvert and I do not trust a lot of my extended family. I don't trust easily, and I am only comfortable around like 6 people. Back in November, my grandmother's husband passed away. My grandma made a deal with me and my mom that every Sunday, she would have me and my mom over for lunch or dinner. Strictly nobody else. Me and my mom never told anyone about this because it was supposed to be in secret. Here's where my aunt comes into the picture. Someone from her side of the family drove by my grandmas house and saw that we were over there. They told my Aunt about it and she made a big deal over it. We don't want her over because she always makes everything so miserable. All she ever does is talk about how I need to make more money and how my mom should have quit her job and send unwanted job applications. My mom has told her COUNTLESS times that she is not interested. Recently, my mom also had a stroke and is NOT ABLE to work, but no. This dumb bitch won't get the hint that my mom can't work. She also hates my grandma too, so I don't understand why she's always up everyone's butt trying to be invited to somewhere she isn't really wanted. Here's the kicker, my mom is defending it a little but and making me pretend to like my aunt. I am grown, but they make me go because I still live at home. I've been absolutely done with my aunt since I was old enough to see the BS that this woman does. She's rich and acts like they have the worst financial situation, she's told my grandmother that she's faking her severe nut allergy, and constantly puts me down for the way I do my makeup and how I dye my hair AND the way I dress. It's none of her concern what I do with my style. I've been so sick of her. Now I have to pretend to be nice to her. Dinners aren't even enjoyable anymore. Nobody wants to be around her including me.
Again I'm sorry if I come off as entitled or mean. I really don't want to come off that way. This has been going on for months and my grandma refuses to tell us beforehand. My aunt is a very hurtful person to most people she comes across.
Tl;dr: my aunt has to insert herself into meetups she isn't invited to and I am forced to deal with it.

Why was I banned? Idk. Nobody told me. Don’t ask me. I don’t care.
Moving along
What did I miss? Anything new?
Got to catch up on my Friday night poetry slam. Love staying up drinking Mountain Dew and acting silly and hoping mom and dad don’t hear. Hell, the hushed whispers make it more hilarious.
Anyway how I have I been?
Had a birthday. I’m middle aged.
Got a bout of poison ivy or sumac or something while pulling weeds that was a real horror show. Any nurse that saw it brought in another nurse all like “Brenda, you ever seen anything like this?” Was placed on an elephants dose of prednisone, had some wild moodiness and ups and downs and here I stand. I’d say “you shoulda seen the other guy” but he’s bigger and stronger than ever in my back yard.
Did some self inquiry pretty consistently for a few days which developed into a real sense of purity. Interesting practice. Didn’t get enlightened or anything, but a lot of things in my life were pleasantly improved and I was able to handle my itchiness and pain with some degree of grace. Unfortunately as much as I worked to find out who actually was the slob walking his poorly trained dog around my neighborhood upsetting property values was, I never got a solid answer.
Not trying to upset the censors here so I will leave a disclaimer saying I don’t claim this type of activity is “authentically zen” or anything.
Anyway, onto the questions:

1. where do I come from?

Do we really need the pretense? I’m not a traveling monk. I read books in my sunroom, not travel on foot from monastery to monastery.
I’ve been reading more zen letters. Especially Dahui. All zen is really just pointing to that something we can find with the right sort of looking or inquiry. Dahui and Yuanwu are great for people who already have some idea of how to look or inquiry but haven’t busted through. They’re good coaches and encouragement. “Keep on trucking.” That era of writing fits my disposition, people like joshu can be too terse. Hard to pick just one saying to focus on for me. It’s a bunch of little pointers and one’s all you need. But maybe I just need to spend some more time with him.

1. My text?

May have just answered that. The text is kind of secondary to what it points to. When i get too attached to a specific text i try to put it down. Rather than finding answers in text, I look into myself. Texts like foyan’s instant zen seem to help me know what questions to ask tho. They help me point the right direction.

1. Dharma low tides?

Log off. Put down your books, sit in silence or go for a walk and try to find out who or what is asking the questions, or is upset, or is frustrated or bored. Keep digging away. Try to get to know the guy having the low tide. If you can’t find him, then there is nobody having a low tide anyway. If you can, well, I don’t know what that would mean.
I hope no one lost the way in my absence.
*side effects for engaging in a fermentedeyeballs ama may include: taking this all too seriously, not taking this seriously enough, enlightenment, backsliding from enlightenment to samsara, violation of precepts, taking precepts too seriously, grading book reports, writing book reports, illiteracy, duality, nonduality, wall staring, sitting in dhyana, arresting thoughts, dead tree syndrome, ashiness, unnecessary verbosity, intrusive repetitive thoughts or posts, persecution complexes, paranoia, eudamonia. If you experience any of these symptoms sit down and count your breaths. This isn’t a zen practice, so this is the cure for zen sickness. All the above symptoms, like all dharmas are empty and should be treated as such.
U/ewk, invite me on your podcast. I might learn something

Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young
Inside every adult lurks a graduation speaker dying to get out, some world-weary pundit eager to pontificate on life to young people who'd rather be Rollerblading. Most of us, alas, will never be invited to sow our words of wisdom among an audience of caps and gowns, but there's no reason we can't entertain ourselves by composing a Guide to Life for Graduates.
I encourage anyone over 26 to try this and thank you for indulging my attempt. Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:
Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind.
You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.
But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.
You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future.
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you. Sing. Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.
Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy.
Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.
The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive.
Forget the insults.
If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters.
Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives.
Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees.
You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance.
So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body.
Use it every way you can.
Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it.
It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines.
They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents.
You never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings.
They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths:
Prices will rise. Politicians will philander.
You, too, will get old.
And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund.
Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse.
But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia.
Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
via Mary Schmich - YouTube

FFM. Mid to late 30's.
Been dating a couple for around five years. When we met they had poly experience but I had not and the relationship progressed slowly because of this. Initially we were friends and they were happy with this. They never pushed anything on me. I eventually became curious and initiated and things kicked off..
The relationship has not been without it's issues and it has been challenging to work through them mostly due to how me and him communicates.
We have been having arguments non stop for the last few months and recently it has left everyone feeling very drained as a result. The arguments have mostly been between me and him.her and I get along really well but I feel we have lost connection while she has been dealing with some loss and depression. She has low libido and there have been times where me and her haven't been together for over two months at a time. I try give her space and not push anything as I have a high libido and require intimacy for connection. She has also informed me that as I take too long in the bedroom to reach climax it has put her off of being with me.she didn't bother putting in any effort to even tell me this until recently. After having the recent talk she has put in effort but I'm still processing how I feel about being told that she has actively avoided sleeping with me because I take too long and she doesn't have the energy.( While still sleeping with him,not as regularly as before though)
They have both been having a rough time with work and life the last two years and I have also had my ups and downs with some unexpected family responsibilities and other life things.
After having had a pretty serious conversation about where we were all at, we concluded that there are some things that everyone needs to work on, even if things don't improve immediately as long as one can see everyone is trying..
Recently, my car went in for some major issues and have been spending a fortune on transport as a result.the three of us don't currently live together. We are at a stage in the relationship where one can expect that all partners can ask or receive some form of reasonable support and I asked one partner if lifting me was on the table,staying over at my plafe or me at theirs to make it easier. I wasn't asking them to actually do it but rather trying to ascertain if it's something that would be available if I did ask. His response was that he loves far and that the commute would eat into over two hours of his day. This tells me it's on the table but isn't feasable. I was happy with that response because it's reasonable.i might not have shown this properly on my messages to him though. As This caused a fight because he kept taking this as a criticism as to why he wasn't doing it as opposed to me wanting to gage what I can or can't ask for as the third in a relationship. They do a lot for me as is but it's still good to ask if unsure..so, this led to a fight and him saying I'm ungrateful for what he already does for me.
The first day I didn't have my car, was the day we had a serious conversation about where we all stood. Because we had been fighting, I hadn't mentioned my car had been booked in for repairs. I showed up in an Uber and they asked me why. I told them about my car's issues and they were adamant that I should have asked them to fetch me or have the conversation at my place. They also both said that it would be ridiculous for them not to offer. I spent the entire day there talking out things and I had intended to get an Uber home but they insisted on lifting me..I did say I didn't want to ask because I didn't want to put them out of their way and they insisted so I accepted. (I don't like inconveniencing people so I seldom ask for help) Since then, they have been collecting me from work once a week at weekends so that we can still have visits.we go to their house,then they drop me back home. I have said thank you for the lifting, I've also said I can catch Ubers to their place if it's an issue to collect me and I've said they should let me know if they want me to contribute any money for gas.they have not once requested gas money so I assumed they didn't want it.i also don't carry cash due to safety so I would need to do a transaction to them.
Then, recently we have had another major fight. Mostly my fault as I brought up some stuff that had been bugging me and it was taken badly and led to a fight where all parties threw around words that can never be taken back and hurt more than anything else. There was alcohol involved which did make things worse as it amplified existing emotions all round.its not an excuse but it did contribute to the escalation of the fight.
It was thrown in my face that I haven't given them gas money for their trips collecting me, (the second that was said in the fight, I immediately transferred a sum of money to their bank account) and I said I did offer and they never said they wanted any, and I was told that they didn't want the transfer and I could take that transfer and shove it. They also threw it in my face that he has never once collected her from work and when she collects him from work it's been to her convenience sometimes he gets an Uber. They also recently took myself and their family out for dinner. I normally offer to pay my part of the bill, but I had so much on my mind with my car stressing me out, I don't remember if I did that night or not. Their family didn't offer, I remember noticing that.bit they paid for myself and their family for dinner which is usually what they do when they invite everyone out anyway. But apparently it was an issue that I didn't offer. I responded that I don't always offer but I usually do. Sometimes I don't notice when the waiter bring the bill or sometimes they pay while I am distracted.and also, sometimes it's nice to feel like a partner is treating me to something nice. They then threw it in my face that they have predominantly paid when we go out and I said they could tell me what money they want for the last three years if it's an issue. I've asked him about this previously, if he has any ossues paying and he always says no when I offer and has said he has no issue doing so.
In addition to this, they gifted me something a few months ago - an expensive item that they paid a large sum for.it was broken and they offered me the refurbished item for half the amount they paid for. This was the amount agreed upon and that's what I paid them.it was an item I would otherwise not buy myself because the price for a new one is not something I would fork out. So they thought they'd give me the choice to buy it,which I did. Now that's been thrown in my face. I told them that ive always thought it's been sweet that they've made these offers but after having it thrown in my face,it makes me feel like my character is in question, and as though nothing has been given in kindness but rather begrudgingly.
They've recently asked if I wanted to move in with them which would involve some level of sharing finances to help out fairly with rent and other expenses that we would all use. Now I just wonder why they would do that if they had so many issues around me supposedly never paying for anything. Just to note, I don't keep track of spending when it comes to my friends or relationships. I don't ask for gas money when I've been the one predominantly driving to visit them at their home which is far from mine or on long road trips that I've taken them on. I wouldn't accept it if it was offered either because I'm doing it to show them a nice time.
If this fight gets resolved, I don't know how I feel about ever going for lunch with them again or eating food in their home or accepting anything that involves them paying for my portion of it.i am afraid thst it will all be thrown in my face.
Further to this, I said something that has hurt him. He has a temper, it's no secret. There are holes on doors at his family home that he punched and he breaks appliances such as a TV out of frustration. Maybe four times a year on average. He would never intentionally harm someone. His girlfriend and I discussed potentially having kids with him and her concern is the temper and that one day instead of punching the TV,it might be a toddler that runs in front of him at the wrong time.i share this sentiment. During our most recent fight, he told me I was a crazy b**** and should see a therapist. I agree that I should see one, I have some issues which affect how I view certain things. In response to this statement I told him I'll go if he also goes for his anger management issues.he was adamant that wasn't an issue and I decided to explain to him why I thought he does have issues that could affect the relationship. Even though she also said the same thing, she did not stand up for me and confirm she also felt that way. I old her that she lacked integrity by not being honest about that. She is very submissive and he is used to being placed on a pedestal by her. I don't think he likes when I tell him things like this because it undermines his opinion of himself. But when she doesn't stand up to him it makes me seem like I'm crazy.
He has told me to consider the fight and how it is that I think of him. The truth is, accidents happen and he does have a temper. I am willing to see a therapist and have suggested he do the same, then I'd be more inclined to do so myself. he doesn't believe that he has a ange problem and she won't stand up for me and confirm she feels the same way, which doesn't help the situation because it encourages him to beleive these things and never change. He expects me to take accountability in this situation for saying something that he disagrees with that has hurt him tremendously, but at the same time he won't admit where his shortcomings are eveb if he beelives I am wrong, he is still aware thst he loses his temper and breaks things. Now he doesn't want to move in together because of this argument and he literally told me to think about the things I've said and if I feel that way about him then there's no point to move forward.
How do I word my discussion to show diplomacy but also try get him to understand he needs to take some form of accountability, and her to acknowledge that she needs to have a bit more integrity because it's unfair to say something to me but when faced with it, she is unable to say to him what she said to me.
How would I express how I feel now about having had the lifts that were freely offered to me thrown in my face along with the other things they've paid for over the years.

Damn! Heidi Wilke Taylor passed away May 23, 2024 at age 49. Radiant with kindness and embracing of the eccentric, Heidi-Ho’s passionate drive to care for others spoke to her sincere selfless nature in all aspects of her life. That drive was so motivating that she changed careers and enrolled in nursing school in 2018 … just in time for COVID. She became an operating room nurse with an elite team here in Charlotte, NC.
Heidi was known as “Slippy” to her namesake trivia team of 15 years, as well as to countless pool players. Her eponymous line of billiards products were emblazoned with her goofiest face, an accidental candid shot so terribly unflattering that there was only one thing to do: share it with the world!
A testament to Heidi’s love of helping others, she was an organ donor. However, like so many plans she had for the future, that was suddenly derailed as a result of cancer. (Fuck cancer!) Struck down in her prime, Heidi’s diagnosis in September of 2022 of stage IV intrahepatic cholangiocarcinoma came a day after running 18 miles, as she was training for her next marathon. However, she was able to posthumously “enroll” at the Congdon School of Health Sciences at High Point University, where she’ll help teach a new crop of healthcare workers. Her family encourages those who knew Heidi to become organ- or whole-body donors in her memory.
It should be noted that the family has had another, and more recent, loss. Heidi’s mother, Betty Lutz Wilke, died peacefully May 27, 2024.
As you know first-hand, everyone who met Heidi loved her and her infectious laugh. To celebrate Heidi — and the mutual fortune we all shared by knowing her — you are invited to “HeidiFest” at her house on June 23, 2024. In lieu of “thoughts and prayers,” we’d appreciate it if you joined us to enjoy “stories and smiles.” Please come meet Heidi’s family, and get to know Heidi from different perspectives. That being said, Heidi would never want you to feel like you have to do anything, so suit yourself! Go find all of the details at HeidiFest.org.
In honor of such a wonderful person, we have launched the Heidi Wilke Taylor Nursing Scholarship Fund, a not-for-profit corporation organized in the State of North Carolina. In lieu of flowers, please consider donating to the Fund or helping to launch it in other ways so we can help fix the nursing shortage, get potential students the tools they need, and fund other creative initiatives that Heidi would want to support. The overall goal is to continue, and to amplify, all of the kindness and goodness that Heidi has brought to the world, at such a scale appropriate for this unique, special person. To participate through donation or action, please visit HeidiFest.org.
There are so many people, hundreds in fact, to thank for all the care, love, support, generosity, kindness, and help we’ve received since September of 2022. There’s no way to list them all here (you’ll get to meet a bunch of ‘em at HeidiFest!). Still, we must thank all of Heidi’s friends with “Run For Your Life” who absolutely knocked it out of the park early on with their amazing kindness and generosity, setting the tone for everything that came afterwards. Heidi’s coworkers at Sanger Heart and Vascular Institute immeasurably showed their love and support for one of their newest teammates. Heidi’s former officemates at Sterling have kept the wheels on the wagon, allowing her spouse unlimited ability to spend time with her. Thank you, Heidi’s teachers at CPCC, for facing the instructional challenges during COVID, allowing Heidi to pursue her discovered-late-in-life dream of becoming a nurse. Frankly not very many family, friends, and neighbors knew of Heidi’s condition; she did not want to burden anyone with the knowledge unnecessarily. If you are just now learning, you now also know why, and thank you. All of the healthcare workers involved in Heidi’s care (lab techs, phlebotomists, sonographers, radiographers, and so on) deserve recognition and have our appreciation.
Thank you, Heidi’s doctors, for dedicating your lives, with great sacrifice, for the benefit of all your patients. Those letters before and after your name were earned, as was the right to be listed here by name. At both Atrium Health and Roswell Park Comprehensive Cancer Center, Heidi had direct care from Drs. Corso, Crane, Fountzilas, Hagen, Haggstrom, Iannitti, Kennard, Krishnamurthy, Nannapaneni, Puzanov, Rodman, Simpson, Tango, and Wynne, plus countless others behind the scenes.
Truly deserving of special recognition, of course, are the nurses and supporters who provided healthcare to Heidi. The known names of “Heidi’s Heroes” are Allison, Bethany, Caitlyn, Carleen, Carolyn, Faith, Genna, Jessica, Kathy, Kayla, Kenya, Kristen, La, La’Terra, Marioly, Marissa, Michelle, Rachel, Sarah, Sophie, Vicky, and Whitney.
To learn more about Heidi, HeidiFest, the Heidi Wilke Taylor Nursing Scholarship Fund, or to get updates on upcoming events, go to HeidiFest.org. Or don’t; Heidi wouldn’t want to tell you what to do!

I met this guy at a local asian restaurant that my friend recommended me to go. I was good friends w one of the servers that workes there because we worked together before she got into that place. She is a middle aged sweet lady and is often very supportive about everything and evryone. She often posts photos of the restaurant and the food to advertise it to the public. Whenever she posts something, I would often see this cute guy that are one of the chefs at the resto and i instantly knew he was my type.
One day, I finally decided to kinda give it a shot and go to the resto in person. I dragged my friend to go there w me and just hanged out. As usual, the lady was so happy to see me and I even met some people that we previously worked together that now working in the said restaurant (I was also close with them). From time to time they would always approach our table and say something funny which ig (caught someone's attention) .. it was a brief moment but i was able to meet the other staff and him too.. we even had a group photo together for my lady to post later on facebook lol. i was casual about it and everybody was friendly and we parted ways.. not until me and my friend saw the guy (the chef) again when me and my friend were waiting for our uber ride..
we had another brief interaction w him and ge invited us back for dessert but we had somewhere else to go but promised to comeback again another time .. ig a few weeks later, i suggested the resto to my parents and we agreed on eating there .. saw him again but we just said hi and didn't speak too much since it was busy, but so and so i caught myself giving glances at him and i knew he did the same thing. my parents really liked it and said that they will comeback again which made me really glad.
another time (a few days later), i was from work when i suddenly felt like going there again.. this time, i sat down to where his station is at.. the bar area and while he was working, we were kinda talking in between and was asking each other questions. At the end of the night, he asked for my number and if i was single to which i gave him my number and said i was indeed single. he asked me out and i said "yes." (i also found out that he was 26 .. 6 years older than me.. which i don't mind) my lady friend even told me that he's been asking about me and my phone number ever since i came into the resto.. she reassured me that she did not gave my number and honestly she was real for that..
atleast we did it naturally and got each other's numbers and we texted each other.. everything was short and brief tho.. we are both busy people.. i have 3 part-time jobs + in college + do sports so i always have something to do in any time of the day and he works there full time too and work long hours like i do.. he's a mechanic and loves engineering so he does like a bunch of stuff on the side that keeps him busy too. i've always been so awful w keeping up w ppl but whenever he texts me, i was DOWN so bad.
although i don't always have anything to say but i try to attempt on talking to him and be natural abt it. finally, i had free time (this is after a week) and we kinda made plans to meet at a local noodle place for lunch.. for context, he lives like an HOUR from the restaurant that he works (i live 10 mins away) .. the noodle place was like atleast 40mins away.. in my head i was like DAMN that's far. and for us to just meet for a couple of hours, i was under the impression that he really wanted to get to know me.
I was glad to meet him, been very casual about it but he definitely a very shy person up close. (ig when u work at a resto, u become a complete diff person cuz he be acting diff now lol) it was obvious to me that he doesn't know how to talk to girls and he def got no rizz.. during ig (the date?) we would ask questions and mid convo we would ran out of things to talk to and would like stare at each other and awkwardly laugh.
i try to maintain eye contact and listen to him but his voice is so soft (w all the background noise) i can't hear him sometimes and i awkwardly would ask him to repeat it back what he was saying. we got into the conversation about previous relationships and i learned that he don't have any experience. which it doesn't surprise me (for context, i always had bad experiences w relationships and i was honest about it too.. he was genuinely curious about it and was hesitant of asking me but i've addressed some issues about my previous relationships and the things that were importance for me that i consider / what im looking for in the relationship)
tbh, i was mostly talking for the both of us. i'm an introvert and obviously he was too but I TALKED TOO MUCH AT THE TIME and really really over shared..
i was worried that it might turn him off.. we even fought for the bill and agreed that he would pay and i get the next one.. we sat there for almost 3 hours but it was clear to me that he is very hesitant and cautious about me.
I had basically explained my whole lore to him and i feel like i still don't know anything too much about him other than like small superficial things about him. i didn't eat much and had to take home food too lol..
we decided to leave the resto but i had enough time before i had to go to work so we again, sat down outside and try to talk again.
in brief moments there was an awkward silence.. and we tryna figure out questions that we want to ask to each other but could not come up w one so it was definitely was awkward.
again, i would stare at him and just admire his features. his straight bangs, his face.. he wasn't very conventionally attractive and he's definitely one of the nerdy guys and loves geeky stuff but that side from him was enough for me to like him. even tho he doesn't say much .. although i had this strange feeling that he was not really interested in me but i really wanted to get to know him. idk what happened but he finally had the courage to ask VERY personal questions.
(for context, i am asian and immigrated in the US for 2 years now so i was really raised w traditional conservative grandparents.. he was born in the US , although his parents are asian, he does not speak his language very well and i could tell that he is very westernized.. also his parents too)
so naturally, i was shocked when he asked me my viewes about sex and my comfort level about getting physical. he even asked me how far i have gone to my previous relationships to which idk, was hesitant at first but replied truthfully that i do not have experience about it.
AGAIN, i'm still so confused that he was able to form that type of question and ((we even got to a point about healthy masturbation and stuff??)) like sorry,
I WAS GENUINELY BLOWN AWAY cuz this MAN, almost knocked our table out when he saw me walking in the restaurant.. HE WAS NERVOUS.. he definitely have that nerdy appearance that gives hime that innocent look. he doesn't talk to girls and previously never gone far w a girl..
he CANNOT even form a question without mumbling and pausing for like 5 minutes (looking stressed, defeated or pressured) ..
and i tryna constantly reassured him that it's okay -- so pls tell me that I AM NOT CRAZY.
and plus, like i said before.. he is very hesitant through and through.. i think he was like overthinking it tbh .. he addressed that there will be a time that we had to part both ways since he wanted to venture out more w tech/engineering..
to which i reassured him again that i was willing to work things out somehow and i was okay w it since i am also have similar plans in nursing + traveling (im currently in college and he's already out of college but he is still trying to find work relating to his degree, com sci) ..

• we live so very far from each other (1hour) , lived different lives , had some common interests but bot too much.. both busy and terrible communicators, both introverts and obviously we don't know where to start so I DEFINITELY STRESSED HIM OUT there.

very hesitant that even if i asked for his socials.. he was stalling and forgot about it after he said that he would give it "later.." but never did:( (turned me off tbh)
overall i was so down for him at first but it ruined my mood for the rest of day.
he was nice enough to drop me off to work which is like (20 mins away) which i feel so bad for letting him drive that far.. but ya, it was still a letdown.
i was so distracted throughout my shift and i kept on checking my phone if he texted me but never did.. for context (this was YESTERDAY) i had to text him first after my shift and we were on and off about the replies and he left me on delivered after he said he would stay up late that night..
i ended up not sleeping cuz i kept overthinking it.
i would love to tell him my feelings about this and see what would his response be you know, that first date definitely shattered me. so far, my previous relationships went pretty bad and i shared this to him also.. my partners would often over sexualize me and other people .. and that left me very uncomfortable. (that is why i felt the way that i felt about his questions) he is not very consistent with a lot of things and it just opened a lot of hidden traumas for me w my exs.
*chat, im sorry if this was very long and personal and i fear that he will find this post but i just really badly needed a second opinion.
i wanna know from the guys, is this normal? is it normal to ask a girl on their first date about sex? how about texting, i know we all can get caught up with life and i really understand that or atleast i try to but is the quote "if he really wanted he would" really true? (i mean he drove for such a long was so i think that was enough for me that he was yk, DOWN.
but the HESITATION, is it normal? i really appreciated his honesty there but was it really necessary to convey those things at a first date? (we're talking about potentially "trying" make it work here even if we both know that we would eventually live different lives together more than what we are now.
WAS THAT CONVERSATION TOO EASY FOR US? i genuinely wanted to try but he's been giving me mixed signals. maybe because he'a shy and really don't know what to say and i get that but i'm genuinely concerned, WAS HE TRULY INTERESTING IN ME? (could u even tell that after a first date?) did i pressure him too much?
I legit wanna know guys.. pls tell me ur thoughts and opinions.. i really wanted to know coming from a person w experience w serious non-toxic relationship. pls help me:)

basically!!
i have a crush on a guy!! and i wrote a letter to him, but he told my friends to tell a name which sounds nothing like mine that he is not interested in a relationship right now BUT MY NAME IS DIFFERENT!! (i told him that a friend of mine had written that letter, but i was really nervous, and said it really quickly, so maybe he didn't hear it)
i talked to him later that lunch, and he asked me TWICE if i was the one who wrote the letter!!
the next day we smiled and waved three times, and the next day we did the same thing two times!!
but the problem is that i had dated a guy, who he seems to be friends with ( they fistbumped :( ) SO IM REALLY NERVOUS!! should i go after him? or should i just give up?
i'll make sure to update this regularly and post a more detailed version later! im having my exams rn, so im speedrunning this! : )

I just finished the game (at 98.4% truth) and would love to put this story summary here since my memory is fresh, and loved the story obviously
There is this amazing analysis post on Steam (https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=3250484731) that is mostly correct except for a minor few points that I am about to get straight.
The story is quite grounded, and has no fantastical or fantasy elements to it, which made me love it.
So to sum up the whole story (because it is mostly cleared up in the Torn Biography pages):
*SPOILERS\*
The story is about LORELEI WEISS, a female prodigy artist who at an early age demonstrated advanced technique by drawing her father "Walter" by using polygonal technique (later used in 3D computer modeling) thus alluding to the idea that she was way ahead of her time at an early age.
As a prodigy, she is talented in many disciplines. She dropped out of college and used her artistic skills to do freelance work for companies (big and small; like her favorite café Planeten). She was doing puzzle designs and concepts as well which explains the game's maze-like design.
After the freelance commercial period, she decided to quit freelancing and focus more on her individual works to create something personal. She then created a multi-media work called Frage (maybe a portmenteau of FRAme+imaGE) that consists of collage of photos, paintings, shorts films, animations, etc.
Thanks to that her reputation skyrocketed, and a giant electronics company called KBL ELECTRONICS reached out to her to be part of a computer they designed called OCU-3. KBL was so confident of their product they chose to exhibit it as an art piece instead of a simple computer, and they selected her along with 5 other artists to contribute to the exhibition. Her piece called "COMMAND" was a standout in the exhibition, and helped her start her phase in the interactive art= video games, basically.
Just when LORELEI was about to have the best life, fate crossed her path with a filmmaker called RENZO NERO. She watched his film "Un Animale Terribile" and oddly was attracted to it; she found it crappy but rewatched it 4 times regardless. Because of that, she mailed the filmmaker directly to let him know about her impressions. In return, NERO, probably already knew about the prodigy LORELEI, answered directly and swiftly by using a teasing moniker on his letter "sognatore".
It was here when LORELEI's life takes a downside.
LORELEI accepts NERO's invitation to work on his upcoming project he called THE THIRD EYE. I said "project" instead of "film" because NERO apparently wanted to create something outstanding. Perhaps inspired by the talent of LORELEI, he went full berserk on ambition and cost.
LORELEI starts to discover the true nature of NERO: an eccentric, selfish man who is blinded by art and fame alone with complete disregard of people. NERO's THE THIRD EYE was waiting for funding from a production company (probably the one he worked with on his previous films) but the moment they disagreed (read the: Interrogation Transcript) he changed into the villain we know.
NERO was so absorbed by his THE THIRD EYE project that he planned it as a suicide performance work by involving LORELEI into the mix. The suicide performance is an exact reenactment of the script NERO wrote for THE THIRD EYE film.
NERO died by self-defense from LORELEI, and the case was ruled out as suicide instead.
LORELEI never recovered from this traumatic accident, and she withdrew from the world of art for a decade before coming back with one work called VIDEO, in 1973. This is probably her last artistic work.
Even though there is a poster of the film THE THIRD EYE, the film itself never got filmed nor released.
Instead, THE THIRD EYE was formed as an exclusive secret society of artists, and they went on a trip to SULAWESI island for mysterious reasons; probably a parallel to the "youknowwho" island of gathering famous celebrities.
Now who founded the THE THIRD EYE secret society is not answered directly but it might be understood as LORELEI's doing, since she was the closest to NERO during the creation of the project, and also it might suggest the huge trauma NERO left her to still pursue the project during all these years, maybe as a way to heal herself.
LORELEI was absent from the field of art, yet many revisit her works during the 21st century and still applauded her talent.
In her death bed, she tries to reconcile with her past and accident to atone to her crime in a huge maze-like consciousness that houses both truth and fiction= which is the game we play
The moment she accepts her past and reality, she dies in peace on her death bed.
https://preview.redd.it/lpwyl4x6064d1.jpg?width=819&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=68ee167f02eedaab989998541362a82969df8103

Hi, I have been working as a volunteer at this private owned animal shelter, and recently have been screamed at for getting sick.
I was feeling off the day before my shift, so I changed my work hours in the schedule, leaving a note in the schedule notes section informing people that I am sick and won’t be able to make it - at that point I had no other way of notifying people, as I was not added to the work groupchat. The day after, I get invited into said groupchat finally, only to be screamed at by the person in charge of scheduling, calling me selfish, that I didn’t let them know, that I clearly don’t care about the animals, etc etc.
I kept apologizing over and over, and finally said that I can give back the keys and stop coming to help out, I felt ashamed to get shouted at, in front of everyone - I was only supposed to be at the shelter for 3 hours that day, during the least busy hours, where (from my experience) all 10 animals have naps after lunch.
The second I mentioned that I can quit pretty much, they all of the sudden stopped berating me, and said: “I believe in second chances, but I have lost any trust I put in you beforehand”. Which just seems kinda weird to me. I just joined this organization like a month ago, and wasn’t invited to any groups to be able to communicate with others. I thought that changing my schedule and writing down a note was enough, seeing as I found myself checking the schedule daily, I assumed others did too.
I’m basically confused, and am looking for maybe someone to just tell me If what I did was really that awful, or If my feelings towards that place now being soured are valid.