Sharp pain in upper right side of abdomen worse when moving
Worth modifying?
2024.05.20 04:10 Repulsive_lung_juice Worth modifying?
 | Hey guys! So I’m relatively new here. I bought my 2020 Altima SR about a year ago now, and I’m starting to get a little bored of it honestly. It looks great and the interior is pretty nice too (tho there is a rattle from the rear dash portion right where the window meets it that really irks me). But I was wondering, is there anything I can do in terms of performance or handling that would make it a more interesting car when I’m driving spiritedly? I’ve taken it to the track once and it handled pretty okay, just want something that is still a somewhat comfortable daily driver but a little bit more on the fun side. I had a crown Vic before this that I absolutely adored, mostly because I did most of the work myself. So like, would an exhaust be a good move? Or too rice? Stuff like that that would make it slightly more interesting lol. Thanks! submitted by Repulsive_lung_juice to altima [link] [comments] |
2024.05.20 04:09 InterestingAgency716 Credit Cards . . . Where Financial Futures Go To Die
I was absolutely convinced (emphasis on 'was') that I was different. I wouldn't fall into the 'credit card' trap and that somehow my use of credit cards allowed me to earn 'cash back' and 'points' and they put me ahead in the game to live the good life, for free! What I thought was frugal and conservative use of credit cards - which I always paid off in full every month - was wise and simply that Dave was wrong.
As a u/DaveRamsey fan of his Youtube videos. . . something he said late in 2023 got me thinking about my use of credit cards in a different way; the 'lack of pain' associated with the use of actual cash and the dopamine hit I got every time I used a credit card for a purchase.
So, since January, I've been running an experiment to see who was right; Dave or me? Here's what I've been doing and even more importantly, what I've learned:
The reality is, if you follow Dave's guidance, you'll sleep better at night and be able to make more of a contribution to your future and that of your community, then you did when you thought you were being smart about the use of credit cards.
Lose your credit cards (and run an experiment like the above) and you'll see that they're nothing more than a drug that keeps you in debt. Good luck to everyone on your financial journey!
submitted by InterestingAgency716 to DaveRamsey [link] [comments]
As a u/DaveRamsey fan of his Youtube videos. . . something he said late in 2023 got me thinking about my use of credit cards in a different way; the 'lack of pain' associated with the use of actual cash and the dopamine hit I got every time I used a credit card for a purchase.
So, since January, I've been running an experiment to see who was right; Dave or me? Here's what I've been doing and even more importantly, what I've learned:
- I've tracked every single penny I earn for nearly a decade. . . meticulous tracking of income, outgoing, investments, etc... I know where every single penny goes and am a budget maniac. What I was hoping to prove to myself was that I was right and Dave was wrong and I could continue my life of credit card spending after proving how financially adept I was, to myself (insert snarky sarcasm icon, here).
- I've completed all the Babysteps (not sure if that's truly possible but I'm 100% debt free in every category, am contributing to others, have a completely paid off mortgage and no children (any more) to put through college. I've got a fully funded (9 months - I know, I'm excessive) emergency fund and all of my free cash is in a HYSA earning 5.25% APY. Fully funded 401K, HSA, Roth, etc... I'm fortunate to be in the position I am and I owe a lot of that due to Dave's wise guidance (except for the credit card stuff).
- I continued to use my credit cards in January, 2024 and tracked everything . . . and I mean EVERYTHING . . . to see what I was using CCs for. At the end of January, I evaluated how much I was spending using CCs to do it (about 65% of my monthly take home) and further, in what categories. To say I was 'stunned' but the amount of frivolous spending I was doing because credit cards are painless, would be a clear understatement.
- So, in February, I committed to spending no more than 10% of my take home using credit cards (some monthly recurring charges but mostly frivolous spending) and really struggled with not just spending using CCs whenever I wanted to because I paid for all of that stuff with cash or, what really happened, I just didn't buy that stuff (sorry Jeff Bezos)! At the end of February, with 50%-ish more free cash flow available, I invested more aggressively (mostly in the HYSA) and noticed the freedom not using CCs provided me.
- In March, I moved ALL of my previous CC auto charges onto my bank/cash account and put the CCs on the shelf. I quite literally spent $0 using CCs and to my surprise (but I'm sure no one else's) I was able to reduce my frivolous spending to less than 5% of my total take home pay and had - no kidding - even more money to deposit into the HYSA.
- At my quarterly financial advisor meeting, he wanted to know where the extra money was coming from and I showed him my budget, talked about my mind set shift and laid out a plan for tracking my new found financial freedom out for the next 5 years. . . HOLY MOLY the results are stunning!
- In April, I continued my March plan (CCs still alive but sitting on the shelf) and while the results didn't accelerate, I found even more cash flow freedom knowing that if I didn't have the cash, I wasn't going to buy it. Cancelled my Amazon Prime account and a few other 'frivolous spending' things I was doing and saved a bit more. . . nothing significant like February and March, but still; it felt great to continue making progress.
- Well, now it's May and earlier today, I cut up my credit cards (I admit, I cried a bit :( on the first one) but by the 5th one. . . I was all good. 3 weeks in with the realization that I can't use credit cards, pay everything with real cash or by autopayment from my bank and I think I'm going to like this as my savings and investment portfolio continues to grow and I have a mental tool to reduce frivolous spending.
The reality is, if you follow Dave's guidance, you'll sleep better at night and be able to make more of a contribution to your future and that of your community, then you did when you thought you were being smart about the use of credit cards.
Lose your credit cards (and run an experiment like the above) and you'll see that they're nothing more than a drug that keeps you in debt. Good luck to everyone on your financial journey!
2024.05.20 04:06 coconutlemongrass Vertigo over a week after plane ride?
On 3/11 I took a 6 hour plane ride from Hawaii to Colorado. The plane was gigantic (three rows!) but at one point we did experience major turbulence. I felt my stomach drop for sure (the plane dropped at least like 50 feet in the air) but I can't remember if I felt vertigo directly after or not.
But ever since then I've been experiencing brief episode of vertigo when I lay down or get in an all-fours position and move my head from side to side at barre class. The sensation only lasts a few seconds and I've got no associated weakness, nausea, etc.
I just had a full blood panel at the doctors the day before I left for my trip and everything looks good. I suppose this is just a "random fibro thing"? I feel like if it gets worse or lasts more than a month I'll call my doctor- but what say you fellow fibro fighters? Does this sound pretty typical? I've never experienced it before but I've also never experienced such major turbulence before. Plus at 35 I'm getting older and perhaps as my age/ fibro progresses I'm getting more sensitive?
submitted by coconutlemongrass to Fibromyalgia [link] [comments]
But ever since then I've been experiencing brief episode of vertigo when I lay down or get in an all-fours position and move my head from side to side at barre class. The sensation only lasts a few seconds and I've got no associated weakness, nausea, etc.
I just had a full blood panel at the doctors the day before I left for my trip and everything looks good. I suppose this is just a "random fibro thing"? I feel like if it gets worse or lasts more than a month I'll call my doctor- but what say you fellow fibro fighters? Does this sound pretty typical? I've never experienced it before but I've also never experienced such major turbulence before. Plus at 35 I'm getting older and perhaps as my age/ fibro progresses I'm getting more sensitive?
2024.05.20 04:06 1981pw My quest for a CPAP mask continues
I have posted several times about my issues finding a CPAP mask that fits, seals well, and allows me to sleep. That quest seemed to be coming to an end, but alas we just have another to add to the failure list.
I have a big head (I require XXL baseball hats), a wide mouth, and a small nose. It is proving to be a difficult combination. I also tend to open my mouth a lot in my sleep and I am a side sleeper, both of which have negative effects on successful CPAP-ing.
I think I am going to have to resort to the old-school looking full face 'cup style' masks, like the Resmed F20. Hopefully I can get one of those to fit and seal on my face. Because I am running out of options. I had really been hoping to avoid that style of mask since I am a side sleeper and most reviews for that mask style say they are not great for side sleepers.
I am frustrated. But I know I need to find the right mask because I know I need the CPAP. The nights when I have been able to get a good full sleep with it, have defiantly led to feeling better the following day. But I can't find a mask that will give me consistent good sleep.
The most recent failure was the F&P Evora mask. It fits well in the medium cushion, but leaks like crazy below my mouth all night long unless I lay perfectly still and don't move my mouth or jaw. I tried it with the large cushion and had a much better (but far from good) seal around my mouth, but the area around my nose was too loose and leaked significantly. I was awakened by leaks numerous times every night I tried this mask. I had high hopes, but I hate it.
Previous failures include:
Resmed F40: fits and seals well around my nose and I find it very comfortable to wear, probably more comfortable than anything else I tried, but leaks like crazy near and around my mouth.
Resmed P10: I hate the things in my nose with this mask. The medium cushion seems too big and leaks and the small rubber tips go too far up my nose.
Resmed P30i: In the nasal mask category, I liked this one a lot because of the top hose connection. But the frame only comes in one size, which is way too small for my head. So when I wore this mask, it pulled up on my nose causing discomfort after a few hours.
Resmed N30i: Same frame as the P30i, but I tried it with the N30i cushion hoping it would be more comfortable, but it wouldn't stay sealed. Likely because the frame was too small for my head.
Resmed N30: Would not stay sealed, leaked like crazy. Just awful.
Resmed N20: This has been my most successful mask, but I really need to cover my mouth since I open it so much. I also don't find the 'cup' pushing against my face just around my nose to be very comfortable.
Philips Dreamwear Full Hybrid: Uncomfortable and would not seal well around my mouth.
F&P Solo Nasal Mask: Brand new design, was super uncomfortable for me to the point I never even bothered to hook it to a CPAP and try it under pressure.
I am open to suggestions of what to try if anyone has ideas :)
submitted by 1981pw to CPAP [link] [comments]
I have a big head (I require XXL baseball hats), a wide mouth, and a small nose. It is proving to be a difficult combination. I also tend to open my mouth a lot in my sleep and I am a side sleeper, both of which have negative effects on successful CPAP-ing.
I think I am going to have to resort to the old-school looking full face 'cup style' masks, like the Resmed F20. Hopefully I can get one of those to fit and seal on my face. Because I am running out of options. I had really been hoping to avoid that style of mask since I am a side sleeper and most reviews for that mask style say they are not great for side sleepers.
I am frustrated. But I know I need to find the right mask because I know I need the CPAP. The nights when I have been able to get a good full sleep with it, have defiantly led to feeling better the following day. But I can't find a mask that will give me consistent good sleep.
The most recent failure was the F&P Evora mask. It fits well in the medium cushion, but leaks like crazy below my mouth all night long unless I lay perfectly still and don't move my mouth or jaw. I tried it with the large cushion and had a much better (but far from good) seal around my mouth, but the area around my nose was too loose and leaked significantly. I was awakened by leaks numerous times every night I tried this mask. I had high hopes, but I hate it.
Previous failures include:
Resmed F40: fits and seals well around my nose and I find it very comfortable to wear, probably more comfortable than anything else I tried, but leaks like crazy near and around my mouth.
Resmed P10: I hate the things in my nose with this mask. The medium cushion seems too big and leaks and the small rubber tips go too far up my nose.
Resmed P30i: In the nasal mask category, I liked this one a lot because of the top hose connection. But the frame only comes in one size, which is way too small for my head. So when I wore this mask, it pulled up on my nose causing discomfort after a few hours.
Resmed N30i: Same frame as the P30i, but I tried it with the N30i cushion hoping it would be more comfortable, but it wouldn't stay sealed. Likely because the frame was too small for my head.
Resmed N30: Would not stay sealed, leaked like crazy. Just awful.
Resmed N20: This has been my most successful mask, but I really need to cover my mouth since I open it so much. I also don't find the 'cup' pushing against my face just around my nose to be very comfortable.
Philips Dreamwear Full Hybrid: Uncomfortable and would not seal well around my mouth.
F&P Solo Nasal Mask: Brand new design, was super uncomfortable for me to the point I never even bothered to hook it to a CPAP and try it under pressure.
I am open to suggestions of what to try if anyone has ideas :)
2024.05.20 04:04 modestmedusa Within the past year, I remembered my CSA and other trauma at the hands of my mom and finally escaped by moving out one month ago. Here is the letter I addressed to her on Mother’s Day that I’ll never send
TW for sexual, physical, medical, emotional, and religious abuse, childhood sa, suicidal ideation, and self harm
This past week has been incredibly difficult so I decided it would be good for me to write a letter to my mom to keep for myself during my healing process to get everything out and it's been very cathartic (all fake names used). Part of my healing journey has been sharing my (extremely personal) experience with others who understand, hence why I'm sharing this here, and maybe it'll give someone some strength knowing that I made it out. I hope everyone is kind to themselves this week and was able to treat this holiday as a holiday for themselves for surviving their abusive moms!
Dear mom, Happy belated Mother’s Day. My Mother’s Day was spent being upset and anxious so I decided to write this letter. This letter is so incredibly difficult to write and even more difficult to read back to myself. Moving away from my university and back home during COVID was genuinely one of the most difficult things I have done in my life simply because of all of the repressed memories that flooded back into my brain every single day I was in that house. I used to resent the pandemic for forcing me to live in an environment that made me want to harm myself every single day and die every other day, but I am now thankful for the clarity that it brought me as I don’t think I’d have the foresight that I have now.
There is a lot that I want to say. I am angry, bitter, resentful, and traumatized from things that you have done to me as a child and also as an adult. Growing up, you’re never able to fully recognize what is healthy because whatever you experience will be your barometer for normalcy. I thought for a very long time that thing were normal but thank God I now know just how truly fucked up so many of my childhood experiences were. Not a single day goes by where I don’t think about the emotional, physical, and sexual abuse that I went through. I am haunted every single day by things that you did (and some things that you didn’t do) and hope that one day I will be able to heal from what I experienced.
I grew up being close to my cousin Chloe (a year younger than me) who was obviously very bitchy, mean, and abusive. This fact isn’t something you weren’t aware of as I know a fully grown adult would be able to see how she treated and talked to me when around you and come to the obvious conclusion that I should not have been allowed to be around her. She bullied me, called me names, physically assaulted me by pushing me, pulling my hair, and sitting on me with my hands held behind my back until I couldn’t breathe, forced me to bathe in scolding hot bath water that would burn my skin, making me undress and make fun of parts of my body, and forced me to watch things that she knew would scare me. This is the same time that I started having insomnia and struggled in school due to anxiety. It’s also the same time I remember my sound sensitivity starting. Do you remember my childhood friend’s mom Amelia and how protective she was over my friend, Diana? Diana met Chloe at my 9th birthday party and Diana went over to her house for a playdate and Chloe did something to her. She physically reached over and groped Diana on the privates. I knew Amelia IMMEDIATELY prevented her daughter from ever being around Chloe again. I also knew that it's possible she mentioned this to my aunt, but I'm not positive. I know that Amelia is the type of mom to prevent Diana from reading Harry Potter because she thought it was a bad influence on her due to being “demonic”, so I wouldn’t be surprised if she made you aware of what Chloe did to Diana as she knew that I spent a lot of time around her. I doubt that what Chloe did to Diana was ever kept a secret from you. Chloe also forced me to do sexual things I didn’t want to do from roughly the ages of 8-11. One time, we were in her kitchen and she pulled out a knife and said that she was going to stab me. By then, I knew she just wanted to scare me so when I had no reaction, she put the knife away. I was terrified of what would happen if I said no to her so I went along with whatever she wanted. She would go into the bathroom and tell me to follow, would lock the door, and make me take off my clothes and let her do things to me and forced me to do the same things to her. I used to think that you had NO IDEA about this until I remember you saying the words- “you were an amazing kid and never had any problems until you got a little older. I always wondered if something happened.” Who the fuck says that to their kid? Yeah, something did happen and it wouldn’t have happened if you protected me!!!! You fucking idiot!!!! I remember being in our new house and taking a shower with you when I was about 8 (which was VERY inappropriate and should NEVER have happened at all) and saying something that clearly made you uncomfortable. I remember the exact face you made and know that any normal, healthy adult would have done something about it and made sure nothing was happening. They would have made sure I was SAFE, and talked to me about safety, but nothing was said or done. You have failed me many times, but this one is the most painful. Not only will you need to live with the fact that you knew about my abuse and did nothing, but I will have to live with the fact that my mom knew "something happened” and didn’t care about me enough to protect me. I look at my beautiful niece Hallie, and imagine not protecting her like that and want to vomit. I cannot fathom how a mother would have the thought “I wonder if something happened to my daughter to case a massive behavioral change” and NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT! You didn’t talk to me, never asked me if Chloe was doing anything, or anything at all. If I even had a minor suspicion that something was happening to Hallie, I would IMMEDIATELY do something about it because THAT IS MY JOB as an adult in her life. You failed me and deserve to know that this traumatized me and gave me PTSD. I am NOT autistic, no matter how much you WANT me to be so you can go around and gain sympathy for “having an autistic daughter” rather than owning up to the fact that you caused what “went wrong” with me.
Not only did you not help prevent me from being molested by my cousin, you also added to my sexual trauma by forcing me to use the giant egg monistat insert to treat a yeast infection when I was 11. I was ELEVEN and you had a bright idea to force a HUGE foreign object into my prepubescent body even though you were fully aware I could have easily gotten a prescription for a pill to swallow from a doctor. I was scared. I had so much pain and itching and needed a mother to hug me, tell me it’s going to be okay, or at the very least, EXPLAIN what I had and how we were going to fix it. You didn’t do any of that. You told me to lay down and proceeded to try and administer medication that is NOT meant for children 12 and under due to the physical damage it could cause. I was clearly in pain and scared, but you kept trying anyways. At any point, you could have stopped and taken me to the fucking doctor, but nope. You then got frustrated that “you couldn’t get it in” and told your 11 year old daughter to shove it inside herself. Then you left the room. I hadn’t even had a period yet, let alone know where my vagina was but you sure felt the need to yet again abandon your parental responsibilities and place them onto your kid! Miraculously, I put it in and wobbled out to lay on the couch because I was in physical pain from BOTH the infection and YOU, but because a child’s body isn’t able to properly fully insert the medication used (which once again I’ll remind you is meant for girls 13 and up), it came out and got on the couch because you didn’t give me a pad. And rather than prioritize your own daughter’s health, safety, wellbeing, and comfort, you were more upset about the stain on the couch and yelled at me. I will never forget in all of the years that I am alive how ashamed and disgusted I felt standing behind you watching you furiously scrub at the stain that I caused (actually, that YOU caused since this never should have happened in the first place!) and feeling a huge flood of guilt every time I saw that couch stain. One of the best days of my life was when we got a new couch and I never had to see that stain again.
All of this caused me to develop anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and ideation, self harming behaviors, having out of body experiences where I dissociate, and panic attacks amongst other things. YOU caused ALL of this and you fought tooth and nail to convince me that it was MY fault for being broken. “There’s something going on with you,” and you made it your mission to never take any responsibility for any of the trauma that you caused. Not only did you ignore all signs of abuse and sexually assault me yourself, you bullied and helped a family friend Sharon bully me when I was “being mean” to (her daughter) Faith. I was treated like I was a mentally ill monster who couldn’t be trusted and always got in trouble whenever Faith shed a single tear because I was “mean to her”. Faith cried at LEAST 15x a day, and I was blamed every time she decided to say I was the reason. You allowed a monster (Sharon) to ABUSE me and had the incredibly wise idea to start passing along what shit talking you two would say about me TO ME, a 13 year old girl. I was THIRTEEN. I was A CHILD. And yet, you came crying and complaining to me about how tired you were of hearing Sharon say I was being mean to her daughter when you could have TOLD THE OTHER ADULT IN THE SITUATION TO STOP. It never was my responsibility as a child to try and make another adult stop abusing me by “behaving better.” There was nothing wrong with how I was behaving. You never once tried to help me, you always blamed anybody and everybody else for your failures. I would come and ask you for help when I was struggling and if you didn’t care, you would pawn it off to somebody else- “go talk to your older sister” “talk to your therapist about that” “I don’t know what to say except to tell you to pray about it” and when I came back saying praying didn’t magically fix my depression, you told me to pray harder. I guess you really thought it was a skill issue rather than a diagnosable health condition! No wonder I wanted to die! Hahaha! I’ll never forget the look of disgust on your face when I was sobbing hysterically and struggling to get out the words when I told you just how badly I was affected by Sharon and said how you played a role in helping her harm and abuse me. “WELL. I’m SORRY if you think I didn’t protect you enough. I know what that feels like because my parent’s took my sister’s side a few weeks ago when we were having an argument” (as FULLY GROWN 50+ YEAR OLDS arguing and bitching LIKE CHILDREN!) No, mom, it’s not the same. I was a child and not only did you not stop an abuser from harming me, you joined in. You allowed her access to me and you passed along what horrible things she said was wrong with me. “SHARON said she thinks YOU’RE BIPOLAR. Do you think you are?” “Sharon told me that you’re having AN EPISODE and are being mean to Faith! Show me your phone!” “Well, I just don’t understand why you keep bringing this up when it happened so long ago. I just hope you can forgive her and move on.” You’re fucking disgusting. Should I go into detail about how many times I asked you to not interact with Sharon more than you needed to and you proceeded to try and force her into my life more? You KNEW how uncomfortable I was with you attending Faith’s wedding and yet, you cared more about how you looked and not only attended, but hosted both her wedding and wedding showers. I have always wondered why you never cared how I feel until I realized that you prioritize yourself and how you look to other people above anything and everyone. There is a clear pattern of behavior-
Do you want to know what my sister said when I told her all of this? She apologized to me for not being 15 years older than I am so she could have raised me instead. I want you to sit here and think about how fucked up that is. My own sister wishes she could have taken me away from you so you couldn’t have abused me. I imagine the pressure she must have felt having to grow up while also raising her mother and sister and I sob for her. I’ve sobbed for me for the mental anguish and torture I experienced at your hands. I’ve even sobbed for you because I can’t imagine being even a fraction of how fucked up you are to resort to abusing and neglecting your child- a child you begged to have. A child you had trouble having and prayed for. Embarrassing.
I’m never going to have a relationship with you again. If God is willing, I will never have to interact with you ever again. Saying that phrase “if God is willing” is ironic because you forcing me to pray my problems away rather than helping me led me to not believe in him. How can I believe in something that also neglected me? I’d sit in my dark bedroom night after night praying and sobbing for him to help me. I didn’t know what was happening to me, but I felt broken and alone. I now know that I was a child praying for God to take away my PTSD, and that is not possible. My heart breaks for that child.
You’re a pathetic excuse for a mother and human being. I’m truly shocked that I survived you and your abuse. I’m surprised that I didn’t ever try to kill myself to try and get away from you because you’re a vulture that prays on innocent people. The only important people in your life are people you think will give you something or will make you look good. That’s why you refused to ever cut ties with Sharon, you knew she was sexually abused as a child and you couldn’t POSSIBLY NOT be her friend because you need her to be your “friend,” or rather, your token sexually abused as a child friend. I genuinely hope that you get better and become a normal healthy person but I won’t ever be around to see it. I hope you feel even a fraction of the pain and abandonment that I have felt my entire life. Happy Mother’s Day, but today isn’t Mother’s Day for me, it’s Daughter’s Day. Moving far away from you one month ago has truly saved my life. Instead of trying to survive, I am enjoying my life. I would have died in that house. I get to finally celebrate being away from you and celebrate myself for staying strong and fighting when I could have easily given up. You once told me “you feel like I HATE you!” to guilt me into fawning over you and telling you how much I loved you, but now you get the opposite. I DO hate you and hate how you have permanently changed me and I wish to never see you again. Instead of praying for the “God forsaken, atheist, lost, evil, liar, miserable, spiteful, hateful, disgusting, mentally ill, “autistic” daughter, pray for yourself. Pray for God’s forgiveness for emotionally, medically, physically, sexually, and religiously abusing and neglecting me. You deserve to remain in your "clueless" state of "having NO IDEA what you did wrong to make her stop talking to me!" for the rest of your life.Happy Daughter’s Day.
submitted by modestmedusa to CPTSD [link] [comments]
This past week has been incredibly difficult so I decided it would be good for me to write a letter to my mom to keep for myself during my healing process to get everything out and it's been very cathartic (all fake names used). Part of my healing journey has been sharing my (extremely personal) experience with others who understand, hence why I'm sharing this here, and maybe it'll give someone some strength knowing that I made it out. I hope everyone is kind to themselves this week and was able to treat this holiday as a holiday for themselves for surviving their abusive moms!
Dear mom, Happy belated Mother’s Day. My Mother’s Day was spent being upset and anxious so I decided to write this letter. This letter is so incredibly difficult to write and even more difficult to read back to myself. Moving away from my university and back home during COVID was genuinely one of the most difficult things I have done in my life simply because of all of the repressed memories that flooded back into my brain every single day I was in that house. I used to resent the pandemic for forcing me to live in an environment that made me want to harm myself every single day and die every other day, but I am now thankful for the clarity that it brought me as I don’t think I’d have the foresight that I have now.
There is a lot that I want to say. I am angry, bitter, resentful, and traumatized from things that you have done to me as a child and also as an adult. Growing up, you’re never able to fully recognize what is healthy because whatever you experience will be your barometer for normalcy. I thought for a very long time that thing were normal but thank God I now know just how truly fucked up so many of my childhood experiences were. Not a single day goes by where I don’t think about the emotional, physical, and sexual abuse that I went through. I am haunted every single day by things that you did (and some things that you didn’t do) and hope that one day I will be able to heal from what I experienced.
I grew up being close to my cousin Chloe (a year younger than me) who was obviously very bitchy, mean, and abusive. This fact isn’t something you weren’t aware of as I know a fully grown adult would be able to see how she treated and talked to me when around you and come to the obvious conclusion that I should not have been allowed to be around her. She bullied me, called me names, physically assaulted me by pushing me, pulling my hair, and sitting on me with my hands held behind my back until I couldn’t breathe, forced me to bathe in scolding hot bath water that would burn my skin, making me undress and make fun of parts of my body, and forced me to watch things that she knew would scare me. This is the same time that I started having insomnia and struggled in school due to anxiety. It’s also the same time I remember my sound sensitivity starting. Do you remember my childhood friend’s mom Amelia and how protective she was over my friend, Diana? Diana met Chloe at my 9th birthday party and Diana went over to her house for a playdate and Chloe did something to her. She physically reached over and groped Diana on the privates. I knew Amelia IMMEDIATELY prevented her daughter from ever being around Chloe again. I also knew that it's possible she mentioned this to my aunt, but I'm not positive. I know that Amelia is the type of mom to prevent Diana from reading Harry Potter because she thought it was a bad influence on her due to being “demonic”, so I wouldn’t be surprised if she made you aware of what Chloe did to Diana as she knew that I spent a lot of time around her. I doubt that what Chloe did to Diana was ever kept a secret from you. Chloe also forced me to do sexual things I didn’t want to do from roughly the ages of 8-11. One time, we were in her kitchen and she pulled out a knife and said that she was going to stab me. By then, I knew she just wanted to scare me so when I had no reaction, she put the knife away. I was terrified of what would happen if I said no to her so I went along with whatever she wanted. She would go into the bathroom and tell me to follow, would lock the door, and make me take off my clothes and let her do things to me and forced me to do the same things to her. I used to think that you had NO IDEA about this until I remember you saying the words- “you were an amazing kid and never had any problems until you got a little older. I always wondered if something happened.” Who the fuck says that to their kid? Yeah, something did happen and it wouldn’t have happened if you protected me!!!! You fucking idiot!!!! I remember being in our new house and taking a shower with you when I was about 8 (which was VERY inappropriate and should NEVER have happened at all) and saying something that clearly made you uncomfortable. I remember the exact face you made and know that any normal, healthy adult would have done something about it and made sure nothing was happening. They would have made sure I was SAFE, and talked to me about safety, but nothing was said or done. You have failed me many times, but this one is the most painful. Not only will you need to live with the fact that you knew about my abuse and did nothing, but I will have to live with the fact that my mom knew "something happened” and didn’t care about me enough to protect me. I look at my beautiful niece Hallie, and imagine not protecting her like that and want to vomit. I cannot fathom how a mother would have the thought “I wonder if something happened to my daughter to case a massive behavioral change” and NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT! You didn’t talk to me, never asked me if Chloe was doing anything, or anything at all. If I even had a minor suspicion that something was happening to Hallie, I would IMMEDIATELY do something about it because THAT IS MY JOB as an adult in her life. You failed me and deserve to know that this traumatized me and gave me PTSD. I am NOT autistic, no matter how much you WANT me to be so you can go around and gain sympathy for “having an autistic daughter” rather than owning up to the fact that you caused what “went wrong” with me.
Not only did you not help prevent me from being molested by my cousin, you also added to my sexual trauma by forcing me to use the giant egg monistat insert to treat a yeast infection when I was 11. I was ELEVEN and you had a bright idea to force a HUGE foreign object into my prepubescent body even though you were fully aware I could have easily gotten a prescription for a pill to swallow from a doctor. I was scared. I had so much pain and itching and needed a mother to hug me, tell me it’s going to be okay, or at the very least, EXPLAIN what I had and how we were going to fix it. You didn’t do any of that. You told me to lay down and proceeded to try and administer medication that is NOT meant for children 12 and under due to the physical damage it could cause. I was clearly in pain and scared, but you kept trying anyways. At any point, you could have stopped and taken me to the fucking doctor, but nope. You then got frustrated that “you couldn’t get it in” and told your 11 year old daughter to shove it inside herself. Then you left the room. I hadn’t even had a period yet, let alone know where my vagina was but you sure felt the need to yet again abandon your parental responsibilities and place them onto your kid! Miraculously, I put it in and wobbled out to lay on the couch because I was in physical pain from BOTH the infection and YOU, but because a child’s body isn’t able to properly fully insert the medication used (which once again I’ll remind you is meant for girls 13 and up), it came out and got on the couch because you didn’t give me a pad. And rather than prioritize your own daughter’s health, safety, wellbeing, and comfort, you were more upset about the stain on the couch and yelled at me. I will never forget in all of the years that I am alive how ashamed and disgusted I felt standing behind you watching you furiously scrub at the stain that I caused (actually, that YOU caused since this never should have happened in the first place!) and feeling a huge flood of guilt every time I saw that couch stain. One of the best days of my life was when we got a new couch and I never had to see that stain again.
All of this caused me to develop anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and ideation, self harming behaviors, having out of body experiences where I dissociate, and panic attacks amongst other things. YOU caused ALL of this and you fought tooth and nail to convince me that it was MY fault for being broken. “There’s something going on with you,” and you made it your mission to never take any responsibility for any of the trauma that you caused. Not only did you ignore all signs of abuse and sexually assault me yourself, you bullied and helped a family friend Sharon bully me when I was “being mean” to (her daughter) Faith. I was treated like I was a mentally ill monster who couldn’t be trusted and always got in trouble whenever Faith shed a single tear because I was “mean to her”. Faith cried at LEAST 15x a day, and I was blamed every time she decided to say I was the reason. You allowed a monster (Sharon) to ABUSE me and had the incredibly wise idea to start passing along what shit talking you two would say about me TO ME, a 13 year old girl. I was THIRTEEN. I was A CHILD. And yet, you came crying and complaining to me about how tired you were of hearing Sharon say I was being mean to her daughter when you could have TOLD THE OTHER ADULT IN THE SITUATION TO STOP. It never was my responsibility as a child to try and make another adult stop abusing me by “behaving better.” There was nothing wrong with how I was behaving. You never once tried to help me, you always blamed anybody and everybody else for your failures. I would come and ask you for help when I was struggling and if you didn’t care, you would pawn it off to somebody else- “go talk to your older sister” “talk to your therapist about that” “I don’t know what to say except to tell you to pray about it” and when I came back saying praying didn’t magically fix my depression, you told me to pray harder. I guess you really thought it was a skill issue rather than a diagnosable health condition! No wonder I wanted to die! Hahaha! I’ll never forget the look of disgust on your face when I was sobbing hysterically and struggling to get out the words when I told you just how badly I was affected by Sharon and said how you played a role in helping her harm and abuse me. “WELL. I’m SORRY if you think I didn’t protect you enough. I know what that feels like because my parent’s took my sister’s side a few weeks ago when we were having an argument” (as FULLY GROWN 50+ YEAR OLDS arguing and bitching LIKE CHILDREN!) No, mom, it’s not the same. I was a child and not only did you not stop an abuser from harming me, you joined in. You allowed her access to me and you passed along what horrible things she said was wrong with me. “SHARON said she thinks YOU’RE BIPOLAR. Do you think you are?” “Sharon told me that you’re having AN EPISODE and are being mean to Faith! Show me your phone!” “Well, I just don’t understand why you keep bringing this up when it happened so long ago. I just hope you can forgive her and move on.” You’re fucking disgusting. Should I go into detail about how many times I asked you to not interact with Sharon more than you needed to and you proceeded to try and force her into my life more? You KNEW how uncomfortable I was with you attending Faith’s wedding and yet, you cared more about how you looked and not only attended, but hosted both her wedding and wedding showers. I have always wondered why you never cared how I feel until I realized that you prioritize yourself and how you look to other people above anything and everyone. There is a clear pattern of behavior-
- When I was 17 and you were painting my fingernails and berating me for wanting to visit my friend up in Boston to see a concert together because “you just didn’t understand why I’d want to do that” and I started crying. You rolled your eyes and said “you better leave now if you don’t want my next client to see you crying because her appointment is in a few minutes.” You cared more about having your random client seeing me cry and potentially thinking you’re a bad mom than comforting me.
- When I was 13 and we were saying our nightly prayer the night that I had my “therapy appointment” (aka, you and my “therapist” chastising me for writing in my diary that I was having suicidal thoughts), when you were praying you said “Dear God, please help (my name)… and… pLEASE HELP ME!!!!” Clearly, YOU were affected more than I was even though I was the one wanting to die because of you. Wow. Your life is so hard!
- Telling everyone around you that I “have problems” and am “really struggling” so you can gain an ounce of sympathy. The way that your friends come up and talk to me is baffling. They treat me like I just got home from the psychiatric hospital.
- Laughing about me with my friends in high school when I was out of the room- “hahaha my daughter is sooooo weird hahaha”
- When I was 18 and you called my “therapist” (who did NOT get my consent before doing this and violated her ethical guidelines) after I moved out and stopped talking to you, you got her to help you write a list of “rules” to force me to stay in contact with you. They consisted of requiring me to “talk to you, dad, or my sister at least 1x/day” so you “knew that I was safe” aka, you wanted to control me even though I was an adult and not living in your house. I was perfectly safe, and yet you made me sound like I was doing drug deals in the morning, prostituting myself after lunch, and had plans to commit felonies later that night. I went to school, ate, and went back to my apartment. You had no right manipulating me into talking to you by using my therapist, dad, and sister against me. Pathetic.
- Telling me to go do my runs on a strange man’s property instead of the road because it’s “safer.” Dad said that this man who I’VE NEVER MET told him that “there are bad people out there who will kidnap her and do horrible things to her, SO INSTEAD she should run on MY property!” Not sketchy or rapey at all, right? And completely dismissing me when I said that made me uncomfortable by saying “my dad knows him”? Lady, do you know any rape statistics? Clearly not, because you’d then know that only 7% of assaults are strangers while 93% are family members or acquaintances. NINETY THREE PERCENT. The amount of times that I’ve mentioned someone made me uncomfortable or had a massive affect on me as a child and you’ve replied with “Oh, well did they touch you?” People don’t have to touch me to traumatize me. You’re pathetic for thinking that.
Do you want to know what my sister said when I told her all of this? She apologized to me for not being 15 years older than I am so she could have raised me instead. I want you to sit here and think about how fucked up that is. My own sister wishes she could have taken me away from you so you couldn’t have abused me. I imagine the pressure she must have felt having to grow up while also raising her mother and sister and I sob for her. I’ve sobbed for me for the mental anguish and torture I experienced at your hands. I’ve even sobbed for you because I can’t imagine being even a fraction of how fucked up you are to resort to abusing and neglecting your child- a child you begged to have. A child you had trouble having and prayed for. Embarrassing.
I’m never going to have a relationship with you again. If God is willing, I will never have to interact with you ever again. Saying that phrase “if God is willing” is ironic because you forcing me to pray my problems away rather than helping me led me to not believe in him. How can I believe in something that also neglected me? I’d sit in my dark bedroom night after night praying and sobbing for him to help me. I didn’t know what was happening to me, but I felt broken and alone. I now know that I was a child praying for God to take away my PTSD, and that is not possible. My heart breaks for that child.
You’re a pathetic excuse for a mother and human being. I’m truly shocked that I survived you and your abuse. I’m surprised that I didn’t ever try to kill myself to try and get away from you because you’re a vulture that prays on innocent people. The only important people in your life are people you think will give you something or will make you look good. That’s why you refused to ever cut ties with Sharon, you knew she was sexually abused as a child and you couldn’t POSSIBLY NOT be her friend because you need her to be your “friend,” or rather, your token sexually abused as a child friend. I genuinely hope that you get better and become a normal healthy person but I won’t ever be around to see it. I hope you feel even a fraction of the pain and abandonment that I have felt my entire life. Happy Mother’s Day, but today isn’t Mother’s Day for me, it’s Daughter’s Day. Moving far away from you one month ago has truly saved my life. Instead of trying to survive, I am enjoying my life. I would have died in that house. I get to finally celebrate being away from you and celebrate myself for staying strong and fighting when I could have easily given up. You once told me “you feel like I HATE you!” to guilt me into fawning over you and telling you how much I loved you, but now you get the opposite. I DO hate you and hate how you have permanently changed me and I wish to never see you again. Instead of praying for the “God forsaken, atheist, lost, evil, liar, miserable, spiteful, hateful, disgusting, mentally ill, “autistic” daughter, pray for yourself. Pray for God’s forgiveness for emotionally, medically, physically, sexually, and religiously abusing and neglecting me. You deserve to remain in your "clueless" state of "having NO IDEA what you did wrong to make her stop talking to me!" for the rest of your life.Happy Daughter’s Day.
2024.05.20 04:03 FamiliarAir5925 Do any of y'all have advice regarding this realization?
I'm posting this to a few bpd communities to try to reach more people with different perspectives. If you're active in other communities and have seen this post recently I apologize!
I'm a good person. I know that. I love people with my whole heart. But my behaviors (or at least motivation behind behaviors) have not always shown that, even if they were disguised as "good". Something that has helped me A LOT lately is thinking "am I doing this act to help someone, or to make myself look good." The statement varies slightly according to the situation of course, but honestly it has helped stop many attention seeking behaviors. This has helped me modify and adjust how I react to situations.
For example, I daydream every night before bed about me or characters from a show being either a victim or a hero. One or the other (thanks black and white thinking). Basically I write fanfiction in my head. It usually contains dark subjects like SA, abuse, death, etc. When I first started giving myself time to daydream before bed I noticed a decrease in attention seeking behaviors in real life, however as the years went on I started to convince myself that those things I was purposely dreaming of were ok to do irl if given the possibility. Anyway what caused this revelation is that my favorite resident at a SNF I work for is in the hospital with an unclear fate. In my daydream time about a week ago I imagined different scenarios and played through them. Doing this led to me really thinking about why I do things. One of the scenarios I had to run through of course was "what happens if the resident passes." So I imagined myself at her funeral and her family member asked if anyone else wanted to speak. So I did. But as I was dreaming about what I would say "...when you see someone everyday for two and a half years you get to love them. She watched me grow up and gave me some of the best advice one could ask for..." I realized I was thinking about the family feeling sorry for me. I saw her daughter looking at me thinking "oh that poor person loved my mom so much, they must be hurting a lot." This made me snap open my eyes and look at the ceiling. I realized i was imagining my favorite resident's funeral (i usually try to picture future scenarios in my daydreaming time to prepare because it soothes anxiety, i don't plan to stop fully but at least be more conscious of my actions to those scenarios in my dreams) and picturing her FAMILY, feeling sorry for ME.
Ever since I had that dream about a week ago it has completely changed my perspective of how I go about things and I hope I keep this in mind. Humans are inherently selfish. Every action we do have some form of self satisfaction to it. Even something as simple as tying your shoe laces so you don’t fall, is motivated by a level of selfishness. That is normal. However, I want to make sure I do things for the right reasons even if the outcome of the deed wouldn't change. If I volunteer l to help someone with a task is it because there are other people in the room watching me and I want to look good? Is it because I want this person to like me and think I'm a good person? Or, is it because humans deserve help and kindness and if I have the (mental, physical, financial) capacity to do so I WANT to help someone just to make their lives easier.
Like I stated earlier, it is very human to have to think of yourself in others shoes to be empathetic in most situations, I mean that's what the golden rule is (for example, I don't want to see people in pain because I know what pain feels like, therefore I do my best to prevent and reduce pain in others)! But in my experience people with bpd tend to have a little extra motivation: how we are perceived to others as "good" to prevent abandonment, or for validation/attention seeking that we feel we deserve and honestly sometimes NEED. As basic as it sounds I'm trying to be more aware of my motivation behind my actions. Who new it would take 7 years of CBT and 1 year of DBT to get to this point. I feel kind of silly honestly.
I am a self aware person, however that often made my attention seeking behaviors worse. This made my behaviors worse because I would rationalize them as "well I'm communicating to people what my needs are, therefore if they don't react appropriately they are at fault. If I'm genuinely suicidal and I let my friends know then they should shower me with love and concern. Even if I've been genuinely suicidal over many 'little' things that they now think it's a boy who cried wolf situation. I've identified my feelings (which really are real, just because they seem dramatic doesn't mean im not feeling them, so me it's so intense and real, to them it's purely for attention) and communicated so I must be doing things right." Now I realize that crying to my coworkers while they are trying to work is not acceptable because they are acquaintances and we are at work. Another thing that has caused me to have trouble identifying what is or isn't okay is understanding that just because I would drop everything to comfort a random coworkeacquaintance at work does not mean everyone else is comfortable, has the emotional capacity, feels safe, or feels motivated, to do the same. In my mind everyone takes the golden rule (treat others the way you want to be treated) so literally. It's why I'm seen as clingy and can't often tell the difference between romantic, platonic, acquaintance relationships. Because I dont care if we met a week ago if I like you and you seem to like my you're my friend in my mind and I got your back.
So yeah I just wanted to share/rant lol. Do you guys, gals, and nonbinary pals have any recommendations for how to deal with needing to be listened to or almost "coddled" sometimes? For me it was the daydreaming that I use for my anxiety but I'm not sure if that's the healthiest for me anymore. It definitely helped for a long time, but I think some change would do me some good. Let me know your techniques and coping skills you use when you find yourself in a similar position!
submitted by FamiliarAir5925 to BorderlinePDisorder [link] [comments]
I'm a good person. I know that. I love people with my whole heart. But my behaviors (or at least motivation behind behaviors) have not always shown that, even if they were disguised as "good". Something that has helped me A LOT lately is thinking "am I doing this act to help someone, or to make myself look good." The statement varies slightly according to the situation of course, but honestly it has helped stop many attention seeking behaviors. This has helped me modify and adjust how I react to situations.
For example, I daydream every night before bed about me or characters from a show being either a victim or a hero. One or the other (thanks black and white thinking). Basically I write fanfiction in my head. It usually contains dark subjects like SA, abuse, death, etc. When I first started giving myself time to daydream before bed I noticed a decrease in attention seeking behaviors in real life, however as the years went on I started to convince myself that those things I was purposely dreaming of were ok to do irl if given the possibility. Anyway what caused this revelation is that my favorite resident at a SNF I work for is in the hospital with an unclear fate. In my daydream time about a week ago I imagined different scenarios and played through them. Doing this led to me really thinking about why I do things. One of the scenarios I had to run through of course was "what happens if the resident passes." So I imagined myself at her funeral and her family member asked if anyone else wanted to speak. So I did. But as I was dreaming about what I would say "...when you see someone everyday for two and a half years you get to love them. She watched me grow up and gave me some of the best advice one could ask for..." I realized I was thinking about the family feeling sorry for me. I saw her daughter looking at me thinking "oh that poor person loved my mom so much, they must be hurting a lot." This made me snap open my eyes and look at the ceiling. I realized i was imagining my favorite resident's funeral (i usually try to picture future scenarios in my daydreaming time to prepare because it soothes anxiety, i don't plan to stop fully but at least be more conscious of my actions to those scenarios in my dreams) and picturing her FAMILY, feeling sorry for ME.
Ever since I had that dream about a week ago it has completely changed my perspective of how I go about things and I hope I keep this in mind. Humans are inherently selfish. Every action we do have some form of self satisfaction to it. Even something as simple as tying your shoe laces so you don’t fall, is motivated by a level of selfishness. That is normal. However, I want to make sure I do things for the right reasons even if the outcome of the deed wouldn't change. If I volunteer l to help someone with a task is it because there are other people in the room watching me and I want to look good? Is it because I want this person to like me and think I'm a good person? Or, is it because humans deserve help and kindness and if I have the (mental, physical, financial) capacity to do so I WANT to help someone just to make their lives easier.
Like I stated earlier, it is very human to have to think of yourself in others shoes to be empathetic in most situations, I mean that's what the golden rule is (for example, I don't want to see people in pain because I know what pain feels like, therefore I do my best to prevent and reduce pain in others)! But in my experience people with bpd tend to have a little extra motivation: how we are perceived to others as "good" to prevent abandonment, or for validation/attention seeking that we feel we deserve and honestly sometimes NEED. As basic as it sounds I'm trying to be more aware of my motivation behind my actions. Who new it would take 7 years of CBT and 1 year of DBT to get to this point. I feel kind of silly honestly.
I am a self aware person, however that often made my attention seeking behaviors worse. This made my behaviors worse because I would rationalize them as "well I'm communicating to people what my needs are, therefore if they don't react appropriately they are at fault. If I'm genuinely suicidal and I let my friends know then they should shower me with love and concern. Even if I've been genuinely suicidal over many 'little' things that they now think it's a boy who cried wolf situation. I've identified my feelings (which really are real, just because they seem dramatic doesn't mean im not feeling them, so me it's so intense and real, to them it's purely for attention) and communicated so I must be doing things right." Now I realize that crying to my coworkers while they are trying to work is not acceptable because they are acquaintances and we are at work. Another thing that has caused me to have trouble identifying what is or isn't okay is understanding that just because I would drop everything to comfort a random coworkeacquaintance at work does not mean everyone else is comfortable, has the emotional capacity, feels safe, or feels motivated, to do the same. In my mind everyone takes the golden rule (treat others the way you want to be treated) so literally. It's why I'm seen as clingy and can't often tell the difference between romantic, platonic, acquaintance relationships. Because I dont care if we met a week ago if I like you and you seem to like my you're my friend in my mind and I got your back.
So yeah I just wanted to share/rant lol. Do you guys, gals, and nonbinary pals have any recommendations for how to deal with needing to be listened to or almost "coddled" sometimes? For me it was the daydreaming that I use for my anxiety but I'm not sure if that's the healthiest for me anymore. It definitely helped for a long time, but I think some change would do me some good. Let me know your techniques and coping skills you use when you find yourself in a similar position!
2024.05.20 04:03 InflationInside1050 Open the marriage and got cheated
Last year my wife suggested opening the marriage for the duration of February, the month that I went to a surgery in my home country, I first rejected as it's not my thing and after she said that was what she wanted I ended up accepting (maybe for fear of loosing her), and I put some rules on place.
1 can't be someone around us 2 can be at our house 3 can't repeat 4 we would never talk about what happened.
First week off the month I did had a chance of having Sex with someone else and I just didn't want to, didn't feel like doing that, and that same week she had friends that came over so she didn't do anything...
On second week about 2 days before my surgery she told me that her friend from work had friends over his house and she offered our house for him to stay. (I didn't like that, but didn't say anything to not sound jealous)
On my surgery day 10 of February this guy comes to my house, after my surgery we messaged each other and she mentioned he was in my house with her and said me to not worry about and I said her I wasn't worried saying "I trust you blindly" not to mention I was full of morphine and pain killers going through a lot of pain, so, that wasn't something I was worried about.
11 of February, I go to my parents house and after a day where everything went wrong I broke down and started to message her telling that I don't want to keep the agreement, that is not something I want, that I'm happy with her and I don't want to be with anyone else and she got kinda of angry about all that conversation telling me that she does not see her having Sex with only one person for the rest of her life and now that I don't let her anything she can't do what she wants and when I come back home we talk about that, and I explained her that I accept that because I was afraid of losing her, to be complacent and things like that.
During this conversation I'm asking her for stop the agreement they kissed each other.
After the kiss she got a bit shocked and went to our room alone.
Next day I woke up and because I was afraid, I apologize her about last night conversation and told her we could keep the marriage opened as she wanted, but I added a new rule, that was I wanted to know everything she did, she gets in to angry like texting saying she's confused about me blocking the agreement, unblocking it again, but adding more rules... I told her that was my right and she had the obligation of telling me, she said that makes no sense because we both know that I wouldn't handle that well, so she wouldn't do anything and I said that was my right , if I could not handle we break up or whatever, she ends this afternoon conversation saying she does not want to talk about that.
On that same night she went to a disco with friends and coworkers, she came back and bring this same friend home and they start to have Sex in the sofa and end in the guest room.
Somewhere around the end of February we had a phone call where she brings up this subject again and we had an argument about she saying that telling me about the adventures was an absurd and after few justification from my side I get angry and tell her to do whatever she wants and don't tell me anything because I didn't care anymore and when I get back home we talk about the future of our relationship.
Few days later on 23 February she went to a company dinner and they all end up in the disco, she came back home alone because the friends stayed on the street close to my home, she sent me a text message saying she got home and give me good night, after that she rang this guy and ask him to come to our house, they stayed in the sofa talking and touching each other until fall asleep, few hours later they wake up and went to the room for have sex again, after that she text me as usual.
After that I came back to our home and our relationship was desgracefull for about 1 month, she didn't want to have sex with me at all, when we can handle this situation anymore I open the conversation about divorce and after I stated to cry a lot and she suggests us to give another chance.
After that our relationship went up very fast and stayed in a level that we never experienced before.
Few months later she brings me to meet friends and introduce me to this friend who she had sex with, it's a very friendly and handsome guy and him and I spoke quite a lot only 2 of us.
After that my wife and I went out 2 more times where this guy was present.
Middle August she went to his house once for bbq with all friends from work in a day that I was working, at this time this guy is starting a relationship with another woman from work.
End of September after I had my gallbladder removed and was recovering she invited me to go with her to his house for a BBQ, this guy gave me a hand shake so long looking deeply in to my eyes that I felt very uncomfortable with, so much that I never forgot.
After that bbq things started to get complicated in their friendship as they have a lot of values differences and she is the manager and had to report him, they ended up meeting in a pub for "break up" their friendship.
End of November we decide go for a baby.
End of December this guy leave the company and we get to know she's pregnant.
3 weeks ago I involuntarily made few connections in my head and confronted her about what happened between them in February and she confess to me everything.
Now I'm struggling a lot to deal with all this.
she asked for open the marriage, against my heart I accepted and not satisfied with that she broke all the rules except the "no disclosure one" (the only one that was convenient to her).
In the same day I basically begged to stop all this story was the day she did something while telling me she wasn't going to do anything.
Next day she reaffirmed that she wasn't going to do anything and she had sex few hours later.
She introduced me to him, she brought me to his house.
She was going to keep this hidden from me forever.
I feel like the way she behaved was quite cruel.
She is in a tremendous pain seeing my suffering.
She told me she experienced that in a different way as didn't remember the rules, so she accepts the blame but doesn't see that she cheated on me
I love her a lot
After all this we improved our communication skills a lot..
We are 3 months away from having our first baby.
My life for the past 3 weeks is cry, have nightmares every night, feeling insecure about so many different things, have anxiety attacks quite often, I can't sleep without medication, sometimes I feel better and we do can do things.
I'm struggling a lot to get over all this story staying with her and afraid of if I leaving her and I regret as I feel she's the love of my life, as she's only 3 months from giving birth if we break up or give a time she will need to move to her country to have some family support, what will makes me lose the child birth.
submitted by InflationInside1050 to openmarriageregret [link] [comments]
1 can't be someone around us 2 can be at our house 3 can't repeat 4 we would never talk about what happened.
First week off the month I did had a chance of having Sex with someone else and I just didn't want to, didn't feel like doing that, and that same week she had friends that came over so she didn't do anything...
On second week about 2 days before my surgery she told me that her friend from work had friends over his house and she offered our house for him to stay. (I didn't like that, but didn't say anything to not sound jealous)
On my surgery day 10 of February this guy comes to my house, after my surgery we messaged each other and she mentioned he was in my house with her and said me to not worry about and I said her I wasn't worried saying "I trust you blindly" not to mention I was full of morphine and pain killers going through a lot of pain, so, that wasn't something I was worried about.
11 of February, I go to my parents house and after a day where everything went wrong I broke down and started to message her telling that I don't want to keep the agreement, that is not something I want, that I'm happy with her and I don't want to be with anyone else and she got kinda of angry about all that conversation telling me that she does not see her having Sex with only one person for the rest of her life and now that I don't let her anything she can't do what she wants and when I come back home we talk about that, and I explained her that I accept that because I was afraid of losing her, to be complacent and things like that.
During this conversation I'm asking her for stop the agreement they kissed each other.
After the kiss she got a bit shocked and went to our room alone.
Next day I woke up and because I was afraid, I apologize her about last night conversation and told her we could keep the marriage opened as she wanted, but I added a new rule, that was I wanted to know everything she did, she gets in to angry like texting saying she's confused about me blocking the agreement, unblocking it again, but adding more rules... I told her that was my right and she had the obligation of telling me, she said that makes no sense because we both know that I wouldn't handle that well, so she wouldn't do anything and I said that was my right , if I could not handle we break up or whatever, she ends this afternoon conversation saying she does not want to talk about that.
On that same night she went to a disco with friends and coworkers, she came back and bring this same friend home and they start to have Sex in the sofa and end in the guest room.
Somewhere around the end of February we had a phone call where she brings up this subject again and we had an argument about she saying that telling me about the adventures was an absurd and after few justification from my side I get angry and tell her to do whatever she wants and don't tell me anything because I didn't care anymore and when I get back home we talk about the future of our relationship.
Few days later on 23 February she went to a company dinner and they all end up in the disco, she came back home alone because the friends stayed on the street close to my home, she sent me a text message saying she got home and give me good night, after that she rang this guy and ask him to come to our house, they stayed in the sofa talking and touching each other until fall asleep, few hours later they wake up and went to the room for have sex again, after that she text me as usual.
After that I came back to our home and our relationship was desgracefull for about 1 month, she didn't want to have sex with me at all, when we can handle this situation anymore I open the conversation about divorce and after I stated to cry a lot and she suggests us to give another chance.
After that our relationship went up very fast and stayed in a level that we never experienced before.
Few months later she brings me to meet friends and introduce me to this friend who she had sex with, it's a very friendly and handsome guy and him and I spoke quite a lot only 2 of us.
After that my wife and I went out 2 more times where this guy was present.
Middle August she went to his house once for bbq with all friends from work in a day that I was working, at this time this guy is starting a relationship with another woman from work.
End of September after I had my gallbladder removed and was recovering she invited me to go with her to his house for a BBQ, this guy gave me a hand shake so long looking deeply in to my eyes that I felt very uncomfortable with, so much that I never forgot.
After that bbq things started to get complicated in their friendship as they have a lot of values differences and she is the manager and had to report him, they ended up meeting in a pub for "break up" their friendship.
End of November we decide go for a baby.
End of December this guy leave the company and we get to know she's pregnant.
3 weeks ago I involuntarily made few connections in my head and confronted her about what happened between them in February and she confess to me everything.
Now I'm struggling a lot to deal with all this.
she asked for open the marriage, against my heart I accepted and not satisfied with that she broke all the rules except the "no disclosure one" (the only one that was convenient to her).
In the same day I basically begged to stop all this story was the day she did something while telling me she wasn't going to do anything.
Next day she reaffirmed that she wasn't going to do anything and she had sex few hours later.
She introduced me to him, she brought me to his house.
She was going to keep this hidden from me forever.
I feel like the way she behaved was quite cruel.
She is in a tremendous pain seeing my suffering.
She told me she experienced that in a different way as didn't remember the rules, so she accepts the blame but doesn't see that she cheated on me
I love her a lot
After all this we improved our communication skills a lot..
We are 3 months away from having our first baby.
My life for the past 3 weeks is cry, have nightmares every night, feeling insecure about so many different things, have anxiety attacks quite often, I can't sleep without medication, sometimes I feel better and we do can do things.
I'm struggling a lot to get over all this story staying with her and afraid of if I leaving her and I regret as I feel she's the love of my life, as she's only 3 months from giving birth if we break up or give a time she will need to move to her country to have some family support, what will makes me lose the child birth.
2024.05.20 04:03 insomnia0403 We Shall Overcome: The Seeger Sessions - DVD
Hi y'all, I apologies for the long post that is ahead, but I wanted to find other Springsteen fans who are big on this album of his.
My childhood was filled with a huge mix of music, thanks to my Mum - who raised me and my sisters in a single household after moving countries. During the early stages after our big move, my mum would play this album (and his other stuff) over and over, and it became a staple sound in our family. Unknown to me, this would be the origin of my life long love for Folk music. I always knew the CD had a DVD coverage of the recording sessions and my mum had always wanted to watch it with me, which somehow has never happened until tonight.
Anyhow, I just wanted to express how much I enjoyed watching the ~40 minutes of content! It was incredible to find out they had planned it for roughly 9 years, but the entire album was recorded and arranged in 3 days with no practice beforehand!
What I found best about the whole thing was watching Bruce himself at work, he has this huge success under his belt and is Bruce Springsteen you know? But here he isn't the rock superstar, he's just some dude who really loves music, and really knows music. It translates in how he speaks of folk music and the instruments they use. My mum made a nice comment about how he just seems like himself, he's just Bruce with his guitar enjoying creating music.
His energy throughout was also wonderful to watch, the way he can commandeer a room without seeming egotistical, which brought out the best in all the musicians. Its so impressive how him and his team managed to take such lonesome and raw folk songs, and turn them into something so lively and full. And to think they made up the arrangements on the whim and recorded them just like that! Phenomenal.
It was also refreshing to see someone of such a valued presence talk about and express love for folk music. I mean we all know Bruce is a great guy and has created a wonderful discography that is rightfully celebrated, but to hear someone like that speak so purely about a genre I love put a large smile on my face.
I wanted to know if there are any other fans of this album, and if you guys have watched the DVD? I'm rather on the younger side of Springsteen fans I would say so I'm sure most of you guys weren't 5 years old when the album came out haha.
Anyways, thanks for letting me ramble on!
submitted by insomnia0403 to BruceSpringsteen [link] [comments]
My childhood was filled with a huge mix of music, thanks to my Mum - who raised me and my sisters in a single household after moving countries. During the early stages after our big move, my mum would play this album (and his other stuff) over and over, and it became a staple sound in our family. Unknown to me, this would be the origin of my life long love for Folk music. I always knew the CD had a DVD coverage of the recording sessions and my mum had always wanted to watch it with me, which somehow has never happened until tonight.
Anyhow, I just wanted to express how much I enjoyed watching the ~40 minutes of content! It was incredible to find out they had planned it for roughly 9 years, but the entire album was recorded and arranged in 3 days with no practice beforehand!
What I found best about the whole thing was watching Bruce himself at work, he has this huge success under his belt and is Bruce Springsteen you know? But here he isn't the rock superstar, he's just some dude who really loves music, and really knows music. It translates in how he speaks of folk music and the instruments they use. My mum made a nice comment about how he just seems like himself, he's just Bruce with his guitar enjoying creating music.
His energy throughout was also wonderful to watch, the way he can commandeer a room without seeming egotistical, which brought out the best in all the musicians. Its so impressive how him and his team managed to take such lonesome and raw folk songs, and turn them into something so lively and full. And to think they made up the arrangements on the whim and recorded them just like that! Phenomenal.
It was also refreshing to see someone of such a valued presence talk about and express love for folk music. I mean we all know Bruce is a great guy and has created a wonderful discography that is rightfully celebrated, but to hear someone like that speak so purely about a genre I love put a large smile on my face.
I wanted to know if there are any other fans of this album, and if you guys have watched the DVD? I'm rather on the younger side of Springsteen fans I would say so I'm sure most of you guys weren't 5 years old when the album came out haha.
Anyways, thanks for letting me ramble on!
2024.05.20 04:02 Entire_Main8084 Years of sciatica and not getting better
I haven’t read everyone’s post but I’m starting to question my own experiences. When I was 25, I herniated my disk and was in so much pain I was wheelchair bound for a couple of months. I couldn’t move without pain, I felt like even moving my arm caused it to be worse. I eventually did a bunch of PT that did its best n then it kinda plateaued, then I got a cortisone shot and it worked and decreased the pain by like 60% of what it was at the time, but that’s it. I got suggested surgery but bc of my scoliosis, I need a surgeon that’s experienced in difficult cases.
The pain has let up since the first (it’s been almost 5 years now), but every day it hurts. More some days and less others. But it’s absolutely constant. At one point I think I may have herniated another somehow? (I didn’t get an MRI, those are expensive and this is American healthcare) but the pain was exactly like that first year of when I herniated the first one. But I also think it may have been the temperature that just did an awful flare up. It was warmer and more humid than I’m used to, and I’m not sure if others experience this? If the outdoor temperature is warmer (I believe it was around wanting between 75-85 when it was at its most painful) does it cause you to flare up? Like it was lay down and pray for sleep that will never come pain, and I thought heat was supposed to help
I also want to know, if anyone else is just.. not getting better after years. I’ve seen people talk about getting better and getting some sort of resemblance of their life. But i feel like I got the best it’s gonna get and I’m not gonna get what my life used to be back or something that’s even remotely the same.i used to run a lot and play sports, i have a walking pad and it slaughters me after 30 mins and I have major flair ups the rest of the day and the next couple depending.
submitted by Entire_Main8084 to Sciatica [link] [comments]
The pain has let up since the first (it’s been almost 5 years now), but every day it hurts. More some days and less others. But it’s absolutely constant. At one point I think I may have herniated another somehow? (I didn’t get an MRI, those are expensive and this is American healthcare) but the pain was exactly like that first year of when I herniated the first one. But I also think it may have been the temperature that just did an awful flare up. It was warmer and more humid than I’m used to, and I’m not sure if others experience this? If the outdoor temperature is warmer (I believe it was around wanting between 75-85 when it was at its most painful) does it cause you to flare up? Like it was lay down and pray for sleep that will never come pain, and I thought heat was supposed to help
I also want to know, if anyone else is just.. not getting better after years. I’ve seen people talk about getting better and getting some sort of resemblance of their life. But i feel like I got the best it’s gonna get and I’m not gonna get what my life used to be back or something that’s even remotely the same.i used to run a lot and play sports, i have a walking pad and it slaughters me after 30 mins and I have major flair ups the rest of the day and the next couple depending.
2024.05.20 04:02 Inc0gnitive Whats going on down under? (Advice pls)
Higher than normal risk /w unprotected oral sex Symptoms:
Day 1: Tickling feeling in tip of penis.
Day 6: Tickling feel persistent; went to docs got put on doxy and a shot in the bum of something that starts with a C.
Day 9: tickle went away and was replaced with a dull pain.
Day 10: Pain went to bladder. Laying down felt like I had to pee constantly. Right side of groin area (above the penis) was hurting. Occasional twinge of pain in testicle nothing stayed. Was also hard to get all bladder out.
Day 15: Right side of groin area still a little tender nothing terrible. Every now and then have an ache in my penis but doesn't stick around. Every now and then twinge of pain in testes. At the end of my pees sometimes it hurts from the base of my penis but not all the time. I also have this rash but from others posts sounds like it's probably unrelated. https://postimg.cc/gallery/fb3yptH (images) I'm not sure exactly when the rash started but I don't think that was there before and it seems to be growing more and more. I am also stressing a lot about it which idk how much that could contribute to things.
All tests negative so far. Will be testing again around June 5th. What could this be aligned with? What are the chances it's curable/ not curable or been cured already? Chances it wasn't an std at all maybe UTI? When am I safe to be sexually active again? Since my symptoms are lessoning is that a good sign? Should I be worried that my symptoms got worse while I was on antibiotics?
submitted by Inc0gnitive to STD [link] [comments]
Day 1: Tickling feeling in tip of penis.
Day 6: Tickling feel persistent; went to docs got put on doxy and a shot in the bum of something that starts with a C.
Day 9: tickle went away and was replaced with a dull pain.
Day 10: Pain went to bladder. Laying down felt like I had to pee constantly. Right side of groin area (above the penis) was hurting. Occasional twinge of pain in testicle nothing stayed. Was also hard to get all bladder out.
Day 15: Right side of groin area still a little tender nothing terrible. Every now and then have an ache in my penis but doesn't stick around. Every now and then twinge of pain in testes. At the end of my pees sometimes it hurts from the base of my penis but not all the time. I also have this rash but from others posts sounds like it's probably unrelated. https://postimg.cc/gallery/fb3yptH (images) I'm not sure exactly when the rash started but I don't think that was there before and it seems to be growing more and more. I am also stressing a lot about it which idk how much that could contribute to things.
All tests negative so far. Will be testing again around June 5th. What could this be aligned with? What are the chances it's curable/ not curable or been cured already? Chances it wasn't an std at all maybe UTI? When am I safe to be sexually active again? Since my symptoms are lessoning is that a good sign? Should I be worried that my symptoms got worse while I was on antibiotics?
2024.05.20 04:02 goBerserk_ Project Napoleon Chapter 5
First Previous Next
Mike marveled at the beauty of the inner city. He was familiar with Kael architecture and had even seen some up close at the university, but it was far grander here than on Earth, and it was far grander in person than in the videos and pictures he'd seen. The buildings were a hybrid of Gothic and expressionist architecture built with classical aesthetics.
Mosaics, statues, and murals were everywhere, but despite the grand buildings and beautiful decorations, Mike couldn’t keep his eyes off the ground. Even the streets are beautiful.
The ground he and Dreki walked was like a freshly cooled lava flow paved by slates of colored glass that softly glowed in the dimming light of the evening sun.
As they walked, Mike was woken from his trance by the scent of meat cooking.
Dreki smiled and said, “Smells good. You hungry?”
Mike nodded.
Dreki grinned and led Mike around the corner to a food cart. Mike salivated as the flames licked and sputtered at fat dripping from hunks of what looked like octopus turning on spits. The aroma of meat and spices was intoxicating. Dreki ordered them octopus skewers. As he handed Mike his skewer, Dreki said, “You’re never going to be able to eat earth octopus again.”
Mike chuckled. “I’ve never had it in the first place; I grew up in the mountains thousands of miles from the ocean.”
Dreki looked incredulous. “Did you not have rivers?”
Mike shrugged his shoulders, “Not with octopi.”
Dreki raised his free hand in exasperation. “Whatever. Either way, you’ll be disappointed by the rubbery trash humans call an octopus after eating this.”
Mike took a bite of the meat and groaned in pleasure. It tasted like a beefier version of bacon. Mike wolfed down his skewer in the blink of an eye and exclaimed, “That was fucking good!”
Dreki gave him a “Mhhhmh” with his still mouth full.
Dreki finished his food and led Mike off the main road onto a footpath flanked by wispy trees with dark blue leaves.
Eventually, the pair entered the back garden of a building that looked like a melted cathedral. Dreki led him through an open gate into a well-lit waiting room and held out his arm. “Hand me your bag; I’ll take it to your room. I’ll come get you after.”
Mike slipped his bag from his shoulders and handed it to Dreki. As the herculean Kael was leaving, he turned and said, “Try not to scream when they brand you; it’s an ill omen.”
Mike drummed his fingers on the armrests of the chair in the sea foam green waiting room, which was decorated with pictures of duels and exotic plants in white and blue ceramic pots. He was pretty sure that more than one of the photographs was of Dreki’s father.
Mike was anxious. Getting branded would suck, and getting an AR implant would involve someone sticking a drill through his skull. And without his gargantuan minder, Mike felt almost naked. He knew that he would probably be fine, but this was the home of the enemy. Without any weapons, he stood little chance against any Kael worth their salt in a fight.
Mike chided himself for the thought. Why does everything have to revolve around violence? Is there no world where you can just get along with them?
Mike frowned. No. I hate them. Despite his barely contained rage, Mike felt nauseous as blood-soaked memories bombarded his mind.
He doubted that he could kill again, even if it meant dying.
Dreki’s not so bad; maybe out here, more of them are like him than Ocidea.
Mike’s melancholy was interrupted when the tall door at the far end of the room opened. A short, for a Kaelman, nurse wearing pea green scrubs walked out, locked eyes with him, and shouted, “Mike Anderson!”
Mike followed the short Kael nurse into a cream-colored operating room. In the center an instrument table hovered next to an operating table. Besides the operating table stood a middle-aged Kael with tusks intricately inlaid with silver in triangular patterns. His white lab coat had Chief Surgeon Athocill emblazoned over the right breast pocket.
The Chief Surgeon stared off into space, engrossed in AR. The nurse who brought him in pointed to the operating table. Mike sat down.
A slender Kaelwoman in scrubs and a lab coat identifying her as the assistant surgeon walked in and started arranging the tools.
She glanced at Mike and said, “Take off your shirt.”
Mike pulled the black T-shirt he was wearing over his head and set it on the table next to him.
Without looking away from his work, the Chief Surgeon tossed Mike a leather strap and said, “Brand him.”
The short nurse pulled a heat stamp from its case and rolled the numbers to their correct positions. Mike put the leather strap in his mouth and grabbed onto the table.
Dreki’s warning rang through his head*.*
The Nurse carefully placed the print plate just below Mike’s collarbone and pushed it down. The heat stamp's coils flashed white. Mike bit down on the leather strap as hard as he could, and his knuckles popped as he gripped the edges of the operating table as hard as he could. Tendrils of smoke billowed off Mike’s chest as his flesh was seared, and the acrid smell of burnt hair and torched flesh wafted through the room.
Mike stifled a groan as the nurse peeled the superheated steel off his chest. The Nurse set the smoking stamp back in its case to cool and picked up a small jar of viscous blue fluid and a brush. The nurse opened the jar, dipped the brush in the blue goop, and painted it over Mike’s still-smoking burn. Mike jolted at the freezing touch of the brush. His ribs and abdomen rose and fell rapidly as he took short, shallow breaths as the freezing cold shocked his nervous system.
The nurse put the brush away and closed the jar. “Done”
Mike let the leather strap drop from his mouth and put on a straight face as he externally disguised the pain. Showing weakness was not an option, even if every fiber of his being commanded him to scream.
The assistant took hold of Mike’s arm and spoke. “Make a fist and squeeze.”
Mike did as she asked. It was a good distraction from the pain. His knuckles turned white, and the veins in his forearm bulged after a few seconds of pressure.
“You’ll feel a tiny pinch.”
The assistant jabbed the needle into the crook of his arm.
Mike’s head immediately felt heavy, and his whole body tingled. He tried to stay upright, to no avail. His vision grayed out as his head plopped onto the table with a thud.
The surgeon looked to his assistant and asked, “Is he out?”
“Yes.” She answered.
“Let us begin.”
The assistant used a small metal tool to pull Mike's right eyelid open. The chief surgeon plunged a gold needle into the depths of Mike’s right eye.
The surgeon carefully pulled the needle from the human’s eye and set the syringe back down on the floating instrument table.
“Targeting chip in place. Next stage.”
The nurse began rummaging around a drawer in the back of the room, and the chief surgeon plucked a gleaming silver drill from the instrument table.
The drill in the surgeon's hand whirred as he plunged it into Mike’s skull. After just a few seconds, the drill bored through Mike's skull. The surgeon pulled the drill out of the human's head and angled the bit down into a small metal dish that was in the extended arms of the assistant. The chief surgeon hit a button on the drill with his thumb.
A bloody, dime-sized piece of Mike’s skull dropped to the bottom of the metal dish with a clang.
He set the drill back down on the instrument table and held out his hand. “Drone.”
The nurse put an insect-like metal contraption that resembled a whip scorpion in the surgeon’s hand. The chief surgeon's eyes glazed as he entered his AR and took control of the drone. It popped out of his hand and burrowed itself into the hole in Mike's skull.
Inside his AR, he brought the drone to the occipital lobe of Mike’s brain.
“Deploying lattice.”
The arachnid-like drone injected small metal spikes with spools of minuscule wire attached—anchor points—into Mike’s brain. After just a minute's work, the surgeon had crafted a web of wires across Mike's brain. He brought the drone back to the center of Mike’s brain and planted one final anchor spike. A reel inside one of the claw-like appendages at the front of the drone spun, cinching the lattice of wires down to the last anchor point. The surgeon brought the drone around again, ensuring that the web of copper was completely taught against the human’s brain. He brought the drone back out and smiled ever so slightly as the blood and cerebrospinal fluid-soaked drone hopped back into his gloved hand.
Chief Surgeon Athocill smiled and jovially said, “Patch him up.” He was pleased with his performance today. This was the first human to get an advanced AR package, and the procedure went flawlessly. The assistant grabbed a quarter-sized piece of flesh-colored putty and carefully placed the small piece of skull onto it. She placed the putty over the hole in Mike’s head, and it took to life, bonding the fragment of bone back into place and sealing the surface wound.
The surgeon removed his gloves and began typing on a holoprojection. “All systems are operational. I’m linking him to the military network now.”
The assistant pulled the instrument table to her side and plucked a syringe filled with neon green fluid. She said, “I’m waking him up now,” as she plunged the needle into Mike’s arm.
Mike’s eyes flew open, and he grit his teeth against the pain. Tears seeped from his stinging and blood-filling right eye. Every heartbeat brought a jolt of crippling pain to his head. And worst of all was the searing pain from the brand on his chest and the aching cold that barely disguised it. Mike sat up with a grunt. Pain shot through his chest when he brought his hand to his head and felt the hardened disc of putty on his temple.
The surgeon addressed Mike with a soothing tone. “On the count of three, I’m going to activate your AR. It will feel like your head is on fire for a few seconds, but it will only last a few seconds. One… Two… Three!”
Mike nearly collapsed with the pain, but he managed to limit his response to a grunt. Light flashed before his eyes, and Kaelic text appeared in the center of his vision. The doctor asked, “What do you see.”
Mike answered, “AR active. And below that, it says setup wizard.” Despite his best efforts, pain was evident in his voice.
“Ok, Mike, I want you to think, ‘open setup wizard.’”
Mike blinked a few times. “Nothing happened.”
The surgeon said, “Think it in Kaelic.”
Mike’s brow furrowed in concentration. He was fluent in Kaelic, but not to the point where he could think in the language at will.
“Ok, I got it. It says setting menu at the top, and there are a ton of things here. Do you want me to read them off?”
“No. Can you scroll down?”
“Yes.”
“Good. You should be able to get the hang of this pretty quickly; it's very intuitive. You’ll see that there are a few HUD profiles that you can pick from. I’d recommend you start from profile two and then customize it as you see fit.”
Mike nodded as he selected profile two.
“OK, now think clear.”
Mike did as the surgeon asked. His vision was now cleared.
The surgeon smiled. “Feel free to fiddle with the settings, just think clear if it gets cluttered, and reset if you make a dog’s breakfast of it. You’ll have a headache for the next few days, and you may start having more vivid dreams, but other than that, you’ll barely notice the change. Just take it easy for the next few days, and don’t itch at your brand or your eye.”
submitted by goBerserk_ to HFY [link] [comments]
Mike marveled at the beauty of the inner city. He was familiar with Kael architecture and had even seen some up close at the university, but it was far grander here than on Earth, and it was far grander in person than in the videos and pictures he'd seen. The buildings were a hybrid of Gothic and expressionist architecture built with classical aesthetics.
Mosaics, statues, and murals were everywhere, but despite the grand buildings and beautiful decorations, Mike couldn’t keep his eyes off the ground. Even the streets are beautiful.
The ground he and Dreki walked was like a freshly cooled lava flow paved by slates of colored glass that softly glowed in the dimming light of the evening sun.
As they walked, Mike was woken from his trance by the scent of meat cooking.
Dreki smiled and said, “Smells good. You hungry?”
Mike nodded.
Dreki grinned and led Mike around the corner to a food cart. Mike salivated as the flames licked and sputtered at fat dripping from hunks of what looked like octopus turning on spits. The aroma of meat and spices was intoxicating. Dreki ordered them octopus skewers. As he handed Mike his skewer, Dreki said, “You’re never going to be able to eat earth octopus again.”
Mike chuckled. “I’ve never had it in the first place; I grew up in the mountains thousands of miles from the ocean.”
Dreki looked incredulous. “Did you not have rivers?”
Mike shrugged his shoulders, “Not with octopi.”
Dreki raised his free hand in exasperation. “Whatever. Either way, you’ll be disappointed by the rubbery trash humans call an octopus after eating this.”
Mike took a bite of the meat and groaned in pleasure. It tasted like a beefier version of bacon. Mike wolfed down his skewer in the blink of an eye and exclaimed, “That was fucking good!”
Dreki gave him a “Mhhhmh” with his still mouth full.
Dreki finished his food and led Mike off the main road onto a footpath flanked by wispy trees with dark blue leaves.
Eventually, the pair entered the back garden of a building that looked like a melted cathedral. Dreki led him through an open gate into a well-lit waiting room and held out his arm. “Hand me your bag; I’ll take it to your room. I’ll come get you after.”
Mike slipped his bag from his shoulders and handed it to Dreki. As the herculean Kael was leaving, he turned and said, “Try not to scream when they brand you; it’s an ill omen.”
Mike was anxious. Getting branded would suck, and getting an AR implant would involve someone sticking a drill through his skull. And without his gargantuan minder, Mike felt almost naked. He knew that he would probably be fine, but this was the home of the enemy. Without any weapons, he stood little chance against any Kael worth their salt in a fight.
Mike chided himself for the thought. Why does everything have to revolve around violence? Is there no world where you can just get along with them?
Mike frowned. No. I hate them. Despite his barely contained rage, Mike felt nauseous as blood-soaked memories bombarded his mind.
He doubted that he could kill again, even if it meant dying.
Dreki’s not so bad; maybe out here, more of them are like him than Ocidea.
Mike’s melancholy was interrupted when the tall door at the far end of the room opened. A short, for a Kaelman, nurse wearing pea green scrubs walked out, locked eyes with him, and shouted, “Mike Anderson!”
Mike followed the short Kael nurse into a cream-colored operating room. In the center an instrument table hovered next to an operating table. Besides the operating table stood a middle-aged Kael with tusks intricately inlaid with silver in triangular patterns. His white lab coat had Chief Surgeon Athocill emblazoned over the right breast pocket.
The Chief Surgeon stared off into space, engrossed in AR. The nurse who brought him in pointed to the operating table. Mike sat down.
A slender Kaelwoman in scrubs and a lab coat identifying her as the assistant surgeon walked in and started arranging the tools.
She glanced at Mike and said, “Take off your shirt.”
Mike pulled the black T-shirt he was wearing over his head and set it on the table next to him.
Without looking away from his work, the Chief Surgeon tossed Mike a leather strap and said, “Brand him.”
The short nurse pulled a heat stamp from its case and rolled the numbers to their correct positions. Mike put the leather strap in his mouth and grabbed onto the table.
Dreki’s warning rang through his head*.*
The Nurse carefully placed the print plate just below Mike’s collarbone and pushed it down. The heat stamp's coils flashed white. Mike bit down on the leather strap as hard as he could, and his knuckles popped as he gripped the edges of the operating table as hard as he could. Tendrils of smoke billowed off Mike’s chest as his flesh was seared, and the acrid smell of burnt hair and torched flesh wafted through the room.
Mike stifled a groan as the nurse peeled the superheated steel off his chest. The Nurse set the smoking stamp back in its case to cool and picked up a small jar of viscous blue fluid and a brush. The nurse opened the jar, dipped the brush in the blue goop, and painted it over Mike’s still-smoking burn. Mike jolted at the freezing touch of the brush. His ribs and abdomen rose and fell rapidly as he took short, shallow breaths as the freezing cold shocked his nervous system.
The nurse put the brush away and closed the jar. “Done”
Mike let the leather strap drop from his mouth and put on a straight face as he externally disguised the pain. Showing weakness was not an option, even if every fiber of his being commanded him to scream.
The assistant took hold of Mike’s arm and spoke. “Make a fist and squeeze.”
Mike did as she asked. It was a good distraction from the pain. His knuckles turned white, and the veins in his forearm bulged after a few seconds of pressure.
“You’ll feel a tiny pinch.”
The assistant jabbed the needle into the crook of his arm.
Mike’s head immediately felt heavy, and his whole body tingled. He tried to stay upright, to no avail. His vision grayed out as his head plopped onto the table with a thud.
The surgeon looked to his assistant and asked, “Is he out?”
“Yes.” She answered.
“Let us begin.”
The assistant used a small metal tool to pull Mike's right eyelid open. The chief surgeon plunged a gold needle into the depths of Mike’s right eye.
The surgeon carefully pulled the needle from the human’s eye and set the syringe back down on the floating instrument table.
“Targeting chip in place. Next stage.”
The nurse began rummaging around a drawer in the back of the room, and the chief surgeon plucked a gleaming silver drill from the instrument table.
The drill in the surgeon's hand whirred as he plunged it into Mike’s skull. After just a few seconds, the drill bored through Mike's skull. The surgeon pulled the drill out of the human's head and angled the bit down into a small metal dish that was in the extended arms of the assistant. The chief surgeon hit a button on the drill with his thumb.
A bloody, dime-sized piece of Mike’s skull dropped to the bottom of the metal dish with a clang.
He set the drill back down on the instrument table and held out his hand. “Drone.”
The nurse put an insect-like metal contraption that resembled a whip scorpion in the surgeon’s hand. The chief surgeon's eyes glazed as he entered his AR and took control of the drone. It popped out of his hand and burrowed itself into the hole in Mike's skull.
Inside his AR, he brought the drone to the occipital lobe of Mike’s brain.
“Deploying lattice.”
The arachnid-like drone injected small metal spikes with spools of minuscule wire attached—anchor points—into Mike’s brain. After just a minute's work, the surgeon had crafted a web of wires across Mike's brain. He brought the drone back to the center of Mike’s brain and planted one final anchor spike. A reel inside one of the claw-like appendages at the front of the drone spun, cinching the lattice of wires down to the last anchor point. The surgeon brought the drone around again, ensuring that the web of copper was completely taught against the human’s brain. He brought the drone back out and smiled ever so slightly as the blood and cerebrospinal fluid-soaked drone hopped back into his gloved hand.
Chief Surgeon Athocill smiled and jovially said, “Patch him up.” He was pleased with his performance today. This was the first human to get an advanced AR package, and the procedure went flawlessly. The assistant grabbed a quarter-sized piece of flesh-colored putty and carefully placed the small piece of skull onto it. She placed the putty over the hole in Mike’s head, and it took to life, bonding the fragment of bone back into place and sealing the surface wound.
The surgeon removed his gloves and began typing on a holoprojection. “All systems are operational. I’m linking him to the military network now.”
The assistant pulled the instrument table to her side and plucked a syringe filled with neon green fluid. She said, “I’m waking him up now,” as she plunged the needle into Mike’s arm.
Mike’s eyes flew open, and he grit his teeth against the pain. Tears seeped from his stinging and blood-filling right eye. Every heartbeat brought a jolt of crippling pain to his head. And worst of all was the searing pain from the brand on his chest and the aching cold that barely disguised it. Mike sat up with a grunt. Pain shot through his chest when he brought his hand to his head and felt the hardened disc of putty on his temple.
The surgeon addressed Mike with a soothing tone. “On the count of three, I’m going to activate your AR. It will feel like your head is on fire for a few seconds, but it will only last a few seconds. One… Two… Three!”
Mike nearly collapsed with the pain, but he managed to limit his response to a grunt. Light flashed before his eyes, and Kaelic text appeared in the center of his vision. The doctor asked, “What do you see.”
Mike answered, “AR active. And below that, it says setup wizard.” Despite his best efforts, pain was evident in his voice.
“Ok, Mike, I want you to think, ‘open setup wizard.’”
Mike blinked a few times. “Nothing happened.”
The surgeon said, “Think it in Kaelic.”
Mike’s brow furrowed in concentration. He was fluent in Kaelic, but not to the point where he could think in the language at will.
“Ok, I got it. It says setting menu at the top, and there are a ton of things here. Do you want me to read them off?”
“No. Can you scroll down?”
“Yes.”
“Good. You should be able to get the hang of this pretty quickly; it's very intuitive. You’ll see that there are a few HUD profiles that you can pick from. I’d recommend you start from profile two and then customize it as you see fit.”
Mike nodded as he selected profile two.
“OK, now think clear.”
Mike did as the surgeon asked. His vision was now cleared.
The surgeon smiled. “Feel free to fiddle with the settings, just think clear if it gets cluttered, and reset if you make a dog’s breakfast of it. You’ll have a headache for the next few days, and you may start having more vivid dreams, but other than that, you’ll barely notice the change. Just take it easy for the next few days, and don’t itch at your brand or your eye.”
2024.05.20 04:02 FamiliarAir5925 What's your opinion on my realization?
I'm posting this to a few bpd communities to try to reach more people with different perspectives. If you're active in other communities and have seen this post recently I apologize!
I'm a good person. I know that. I love people with my whole heart. But my behaviors (or at least motivation behind behaviors) have not always shown that, even if they were disguised as "good". Something that has helped me A LOT lately is thinking "am I doing this act to help someone, or to make myself look good." The statement varies slightly according to the situation of course, but honestly it has helped stop many attention seeking behaviors. This has helped me modify and adjust how I react to situations.
For example, I daydream every night before bed about me or characters from a show being either a victim or a hero. One or the other (thanks black and white thinking). Basically I write fanfiction in my head. It usually contains dark subjects like SA, abuse, death, etc. When I first started giving myself time to daydream before bed I noticed a decrease in attention seeking behaviors in real life, however as the years went on I started to convince myself that those things I was purposely dreaming of were ok to do irl if given the possibility. Anyway what caused this revelation is that my favorite resident at a SNF I work for is in the hospital with an unclear fate. In my daydream time about a week ago I imagined different scenarios and played through them. Doing this led to me really thinking about why I do things. One of the scenarios I had to run through of course was "what happens if the resident passes." So I imagined myself at her funeral and her family member asked if anyone else wanted to speak. So I did. But as I was dreaming about what I would say "...when you see someone everyday for two and a half years you get to love them. She watched me grow up and gave me some of the best advice one could ask for..." I realized I was thinking about the family feeling sorry for me. I saw her daughter looking at me thinking "oh that poor person loved my mom so much, they must be hurting a lot." This made me snap open my eyes and look at the ceiling. I realized i was imagining my favorite resident's funeral (i usually try to picture future scenarios in my daydreaming time to prepare because it soothes anxiety, i don't plan to stop fully but at least be more conscious of my actions to those scenarios in my dreams) and picturing her FAMILY, feeling sorry for ME.
Ever since I had that dream about a week ago it has completely changed my perspective of how I go about things and I hope I keep this in mind. Humans are inherently selfish. Every action we do have some form of self satisfaction to it. Even something as simple as tying your shoe laces so you don’t fall, is motivated by a level of selfishness. That is normal. However, I want to make sure I do things for the right reasons even if the outcome of the deed wouldn't change. If I volunteer l to help someone with a task is it because there are other people in the room watching me and I want to look good? Is it because I want this person to like me and think I'm a good person? Or, is it because humans deserve help and kindness and if I have the (mental, physical, financial) capacity to do so I WANT to help someone just to make their lives easier.
Like I stated earlier, it is very human to have to think of yourself in others shoes to be empathetic in most situations, I mean that's what the golden rule is (for example, I don't want to see people in pain because I know what pain feels like, therefore I do my best to prevent and reduce pain in others)! But in my experience people with bpd tend to have a little extra motivation: how we are perceived to others as "good" to prevent abandonment, or for validation/attention seeking that we feel we deserve and honestly sometimes NEED. As basic as it sounds I'm trying to be more aware of my motivation behind my actions. Who new it would take 7 years of CBT and 1 year of DBT to get to this point. I feel kind of silly honestly.
I am a self aware person, however that often made my attention seeking behaviors worse. This made my behaviors worse because I would rationalize them as "well I'm communicating to people what my needs are, therefore if they don't react appropriately they are at fault. If I'm genuinely suicidal and I let my friends know then they should shower me with love and concern. Even if I've been genuinely suicidal over many 'little' things that they now think it's a boy who cried wolf situation. I've identified my feelings (which really are real, just because they seem dramatic doesn't mean im not feeling them, so me it's so intense and real, to them it's purely for attention) and communicated so I must be doing things right." Now I realize that crying to my coworkers while they are trying to work is not acceptable because they are acquaintances and we are at work. Another thing that has caused me to have trouble identifying what is or isn't okay is understanding that just because I would drop everything to comfort a random coworkeacquaintance at work does not mean everyone else is comfortable, has the emotional capacity, feels safe, or feels motivated, to do the same. In my mind everyone takes the golden rule (treat others the way you want to be treated) so literally. It's why I'm seen as clingy and can't often tell the difference between romantic, platonic, acquaintance relationships. Because I dont care if we met a week ago if I like you and you seem to like my you're my friend in my mind and I got your back.
So yeah I just wanted to share/rant lol. Do you guys, gals, and nonbinary pals have any recommendations for how to deal with needing to be listened to or almost "coddled" sometimes? For me it was the daydreaming that I use for my anxiety but I'm not sure if that's the healthiest for me anymore. It definitely helped for a long time, but I think some change would do me some good. Let me know your techniques and coping skills you use when you find yourself in a similar position!
submitted by FamiliarAir5925 to BPDrecovery [link] [comments]
I'm a good person. I know that. I love people with my whole heart. But my behaviors (or at least motivation behind behaviors) have not always shown that, even if they were disguised as "good". Something that has helped me A LOT lately is thinking "am I doing this act to help someone, or to make myself look good." The statement varies slightly according to the situation of course, but honestly it has helped stop many attention seeking behaviors. This has helped me modify and adjust how I react to situations.
For example, I daydream every night before bed about me or characters from a show being either a victim or a hero. One or the other (thanks black and white thinking). Basically I write fanfiction in my head. It usually contains dark subjects like SA, abuse, death, etc. When I first started giving myself time to daydream before bed I noticed a decrease in attention seeking behaviors in real life, however as the years went on I started to convince myself that those things I was purposely dreaming of were ok to do irl if given the possibility. Anyway what caused this revelation is that my favorite resident at a SNF I work for is in the hospital with an unclear fate. In my daydream time about a week ago I imagined different scenarios and played through them. Doing this led to me really thinking about why I do things. One of the scenarios I had to run through of course was "what happens if the resident passes." So I imagined myself at her funeral and her family member asked if anyone else wanted to speak. So I did. But as I was dreaming about what I would say "...when you see someone everyday for two and a half years you get to love them. She watched me grow up and gave me some of the best advice one could ask for..." I realized I was thinking about the family feeling sorry for me. I saw her daughter looking at me thinking "oh that poor person loved my mom so much, they must be hurting a lot." This made me snap open my eyes and look at the ceiling. I realized i was imagining my favorite resident's funeral (i usually try to picture future scenarios in my daydreaming time to prepare because it soothes anxiety, i don't plan to stop fully but at least be more conscious of my actions to those scenarios in my dreams) and picturing her FAMILY, feeling sorry for ME.
Ever since I had that dream about a week ago it has completely changed my perspective of how I go about things and I hope I keep this in mind. Humans are inherently selfish. Every action we do have some form of self satisfaction to it. Even something as simple as tying your shoe laces so you don’t fall, is motivated by a level of selfishness. That is normal. However, I want to make sure I do things for the right reasons even if the outcome of the deed wouldn't change. If I volunteer l to help someone with a task is it because there are other people in the room watching me and I want to look good? Is it because I want this person to like me and think I'm a good person? Or, is it because humans deserve help and kindness and if I have the (mental, physical, financial) capacity to do so I WANT to help someone just to make their lives easier.
Like I stated earlier, it is very human to have to think of yourself in others shoes to be empathetic in most situations, I mean that's what the golden rule is (for example, I don't want to see people in pain because I know what pain feels like, therefore I do my best to prevent and reduce pain in others)! But in my experience people with bpd tend to have a little extra motivation: how we are perceived to others as "good" to prevent abandonment, or for validation/attention seeking that we feel we deserve and honestly sometimes NEED. As basic as it sounds I'm trying to be more aware of my motivation behind my actions. Who new it would take 7 years of CBT and 1 year of DBT to get to this point. I feel kind of silly honestly.
I am a self aware person, however that often made my attention seeking behaviors worse. This made my behaviors worse because I would rationalize them as "well I'm communicating to people what my needs are, therefore if they don't react appropriately they are at fault. If I'm genuinely suicidal and I let my friends know then they should shower me with love and concern. Even if I've been genuinely suicidal over many 'little' things that they now think it's a boy who cried wolf situation. I've identified my feelings (which really are real, just because they seem dramatic doesn't mean im not feeling them, so me it's so intense and real, to them it's purely for attention) and communicated so I must be doing things right." Now I realize that crying to my coworkers while they are trying to work is not acceptable because they are acquaintances and we are at work. Another thing that has caused me to have trouble identifying what is or isn't okay is understanding that just because I would drop everything to comfort a random coworkeacquaintance at work does not mean everyone else is comfortable, has the emotional capacity, feels safe, or feels motivated, to do the same. In my mind everyone takes the golden rule (treat others the way you want to be treated) so literally. It's why I'm seen as clingy and can't often tell the difference between romantic, platonic, acquaintance relationships. Because I dont care if we met a week ago if I like you and you seem to like my you're my friend in my mind and I got your back.
So yeah I just wanted to share/rant lol. Do you guys, gals, and nonbinary pals have any recommendations for how to deal with needing to be listened to or almost "coddled" sometimes? For me it was the daydreaming that I use for my anxiety but I'm not sure if that's the healthiest for me anymore. It definitely helped for a long time, but I think some change would do me some good. Let me know your techniques and coping skills you use when you find yourself in a similar position!
2024.05.20 04:00 AutoModerator Weekly Meta, Upcoming [NM] Raffles and Raffle Requests
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submitted by AutoModerator to lego_raffles [link] [comments]
Payment reminder that only PayPal Friends & Family or CashApp is accepted. It is your responsibility to ensure that your payment is sent in the proper manner. Do not add any comments in the Paypal or CashApp comment field.
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Here is a list of current escrows. At this moment, are we not looking for additional escrows.
2024.05.20 03:59 FamiliarAir5925 Something that REALLY helped me & how can I improve even more?
I'm a good person. I know that. I love people with my whole heart. But my behaviors (or at least motivation behind behaviors) have not always shown that, even if they were disguised as "good". Something that has helped me A LOT lately is thinking "am I doing this act to help someone, or to make myself look good." The statement varies slightly according to the situation of course, but honestly it has helped stop many attention seeking behaviors. This has helped me modify and adjust how I react to situations.
For example, I daydream every night before bed about me or characters from a show being either a victim or a hero. One or the other (thanks black and white thinking). Basically I write fanfiction in my head. It usually contains dark subjects like SA, abuse, death, etc. When I first started giving myself time to daydream before bed I noticed a decrease in attention seeking behaviors in real life, however as the years went on I started to convince myself that those things I was purposely dreaming of were ok to do irl if given the possibility. Anyway what caused this revelation is that my favorite resident at a SNF I work for is in the hospital with an unclear fate. In my daydream time about a week ago I imagined different scenarios and played through them. Doing this led to me really thinking about why I do things. One of the scenarios I had to run through of course was "what happens if the resident passes." So I imagined myself at her funeral and her family member asked if anyone else wanted to speak. So I did. But as I was dreaming about what I would say "...when you see someone everyday for two and a half years you get to love them. She watched me grow up and gave me some of the best advice one could ask for..." I realized I was thinking about the family feeling sorry for me. I saw her daughter looking at me thinking "oh that poor person loved my mom so much, they must be hurting a lot." This made me snap open my eyes and look at the ceiling. I realized i was imagining my favorite resident's funeral (i usually try to picture future scenarios in my daydreaming time to prepare because it soothes anxiety, i don't plan to stop fully but at least be more conscious of my actions to those scenarios in my dreams) and picturing her FAMILY, feeling sorry for ME.
Ever since I had that dream about a week ago it has completely changed my perspective of how I go about things and I hope I keep this in mind. Humans are inherently selfish. Every action we do have some form of self satisfaction to it. Even something as simple as tying your shoe laces so you don’t fall, is motivated by a level of selfishness. That is normal. However, I want to make sure I do things for the right reasons even if the outcome of the deed wouldn't change. If I volunteer l to help someone with a task is it because there are other people in the room watching me and I want to look good? Is it because I want this person to like me and think I'm a good person? Or, is it because humans deserve help and kindness and if I have the (mental, physical, financial) capacity to do so I WANT to help someone just to make their lives easier.
Like I stated earlier, it is very human to have to think of yourself in others shoes to be empathetic in most situations, I mean that's what the golden rule is (for example, I don't want to see people in pain because I know what pain feels like, therefore I do my best to prevent and reduce pain in others)! But in my experience people with bpd tend to have a little extra motivation: how we are perceived to others as "good" to prevent abandonment, or for validation/attention seeking that we feel we deserve and honestly sometimes NEED. As basic as it sounds I'm trying to be more aware of my motivation behind my actions. Who new it would take 7 years of CBT and 1 year of DBT to get to this point. I feel kind of silly honestly.
I am a self aware person, however that often made my attention seeking behaviors worse. This made my behaviors worse because I would rationalize them as "well I'm communicating to people what my needs are, therefore if they don't react appropriately they are at fault. If I'm genuinely suicidal and I let my friends know then they should shower me with love and concern. Even if I've been genuinely suicidal over many 'little' things that they now think it's a boy who cried wolf situation. I've identified my feelings (which really are real, just because they seem dramatic doesn't mean im not feeling them, so me it's so intense and real, to them it's purely for attention) and communicated so I must be doing things right." Now I realize that crying to my coworkers while they are trying to work is not acceptable because they are acquaintances and we are at work. Another thing that has caused me to have trouble identifying what is or isn't okay is understanding that just because I would drop everything to comfort a random coworkeacquaintance at work does not mean everyone else is comfortable, has the emotional capacity, feels safe, or feels motivated, to do the same. In my mind everyone takes the golden rule (treat others the way you want to be treated) so literally. It's why I'm seen as clingy and can't often tell the difference between romantic, platonic, acquaintance relationships. Because I dont care if we met a week ago if I like you and you seem to like my you're my friend in my mind and I got your back.
So yeah I just wanted to share/rant lol. Do you guys, gals, and nonbinary pals have any recommendations for how to deal with needing to be listened to or almost "coddled" sometimes? For me it was the daydreaming that I use for my anxiety but I'm not sure if that's the healthiest for me anymore. It definitely helped for a long time, but I think some change would do me some good. Let me know your techniques and coping skills you use when you find yourself in a similar position!
submitted by FamiliarAir5925 to BPD [link] [comments]
For example, I daydream every night before bed about me or characters from a show being either a victim or a hero. One or the other (thanks black and white thinking). Basically I write fanfiction in my head. It usually contains dark subjects like SA, abuse, death, etc. When I first started giving myself time to daydream before bed I noticed a decrease in attention seeking behaviors in real life, however as the years went on I started to convince myself that those things I was purposely dreaming of were ok to do irl if given the possibility. Anyway what caused this revelation is that my favorite resident at a SNF I work for is in the hospital with an unclear fate. In my daydream time about a week ago I imagined different scenarios and played through them. Doing this led to me really thinking about why I do things. One of the scenarios I had to run through of course was "what happens if the resident passes." So I imagined myself at her funeral and her family member asked if anyone else wanted to speak. So I did. But as I was dreaming about what I would say "...when you see someone everyday for two and a half years you get to love them. She watched me grow up and gave me some of the best advice one could ask for..." I realized I was thinking about the family feeling sorry for me. I saw her daughter looking at me thinking "oh that poor person loved my mom so much, they must be hurting a lot." This made me snap open my eyes and look at the ceiling. I realized i was imagining my favorite resident's funeral (i usually try to picture future scenarios in my daydreaming time to prepare because it soothes anxiety, i don't plan to stop fully but at least be more conscious of my actions to those scenarios in my dreams) and picturing her FAMILY, feeling sorry for ME.
Ever since I had that dream about a week ago it has completely changed my perspective of how I go about things and I hope I keep this in mind. Humans are inherently selfish. Every action we do have some form of self satisfaction to it. Even something as simple as tying your shoe laces so you don’t fall, is motivated by a level of selfishness. That is normal. However, I want to make sure I do things for the right reasons even if the outcome of the deed wouldn't change. If I volunteer l to help someone with a task is it because there are other people in the room watching me and I want to look good? Is it because I want this person to like me and think I'm a good person? Or, is it because humans deserve help and kindness and if I have the (mental, physical, financial) capacity to do so I WANT to help someone just to make their lives easier.
Like I stated earlier, it is very human to have to think of yourself in others shoes to be empathetic in most situations, I mean that's what the golden rule is (for example, I don't want to see people in pain because I know what pain feels like, therefore I do my best to prevent and reduce pain in others)! But in my experience people with bpd tend to have a little extra motivation: how we are perceived to others as "good" to prevent abandonment, or for validation/attention seeking that we feel we deserve and honestly sometimes NEED. As basic as it sounds I'm trying to be more aware of my motivation behind my actions. Who new it would take 7 years of CBT and 1 year of DBT to get to this point. I feel kind of silly honestly.
I am a self aware person, however that often made my attention seeking behaviors worse. This made my behaviors worse because I would rationalize them as "well I'm communicating to people what my needs are, therefore if they don't react appropriately they are at fault. If I'm genuinely suicidal and I let my friends know then they should shower me with love and concern. Even if I've been genuinely suicidal over many 'little' things that they now think it's a boy who cried wolf situation. I've identified my feelings (which really are real, just because they seem dramatic doesn't mean im not feeling them, so me it's so intense and real, to them it's purely for attention) and communicated so I must be doing things right." Now I realize that crying to my coworkers while they are trying to work is not acceptable because they are acquaintances and we are at work. Another thing that has caused me to have trouble identifying what is or isn't okay is understanding that just because I would drop everything to comfort a random coworkeacquaintance at work does not mean everyone else is comfortable, has the emotional capacity, feels safe, or feels motivated, to do the same. In my mind everyone takes the golden rule (treat others the way you want to be treated) so literally. It's why I'm seen as clingy and can't often tell the difference between romantic, platonic, acquaintance relationships. Because I dont care if we met a week ago if I like you and you seem to like my you're my friend in my mind and I got your back.
So yeah I just wanted to share/rant lol. Do you guys, gals, and nonbinary pals have any recommendations for how to deal with needing to be listened to or almost "coddled" sometimes? For me it was the daydreaming that I use for my anxiety but I'm not sure if that's the healthiest for me anymore. It definitely helped for a long time, but I think some change would do me some good. Let me know your techniques and coping skills you use when you find yourself in a similar position!
2024.05.20 03:58 InquisitorHindsight What if the Bolshevik's Won the Russian Civil War?
1936, Union of Soviet Socialist Republics
It is the year 1936. Joseph Stalin acts as Chairman of the Communist Party and Premier of the Soviet Union carefully bides his time. Ever since his failed bid to remove the Central and Left Oppositions in 1927-28 seized him the Premiership, he had carefully spent nearly a decade rebuilding his influence and network to the point that he can try a second attempt to dispel his political rivals and not a moment too soon. Within a years time, the Man of Steel predicts the Congress of the Soviets would gather to reexamine and most likely replace the old 1924 consitution with something that would give the lethargic titan purpose. If the premier gets his way, this new document will be a Stalin Constitution.
Meanwhile, Leon Trotsky stews in exile from his current residence in London, the famous Bolshevik a guest of the likeminded Oswald Mosely. In fact, he has spent a great deal of time writing theory for a new socialist system to, in his words, 'Provide a Total answer to the schism between the Bolshevik east and the Syndicalist West.' However, the Revolutionary is not content to rot away in western Europe. He too has been patient, he too has rebuilt his influence and recruited supporters within the Soviet Union knowing that the window is closing for him to return triumphantly within the halls of power and direct the Permanent Revolution towards crushing the forces of reaction.
Perhaps he is confident in his return as his supporters back home have informed him about the shaky foundations of the Central Opposition. Officially, this political bloc was led by the 'Troika' or the alliance between Joseph Stalin, Lev Kamanev, and Grigory Zinoviev. In reality, this triumvirate was primarily under Stalin's control, who only retained the other two when it became clear the Right Opposition would not be easily uprooted. Neither men, however, forgot Stalin's betrayal and how close they came to being removed from power. Gigory Zinoviev, General-Secretary of the Comintern, has drifted (in secret) closer to elements of the underground Left Opposition. On the other hand, Lev Kamanev has quietly reached out to elements of the Right Opposition, more out of necessity and a shared hatred for Stalin.
Speaking of which, the Right Opposition. Partially born out of Nikolai Bukharin's admiration for the New Economic Policy and admiration of the successful French and British Revolutions. With the rise of Syndicalism in the west, the concept of a partially decentralized economy has seemingly been vindicated. With Bukharin's popularity and Alexei Rykov's experience both in politics and economics, the Right Opposition was transformed into the 'Bolshevik Syndicalist' wing of the Party. Crucial in defeating Stalin's first seizure in the late 1920's, Bukharin and Rykov have represented the opposition to Stalin's Center Tendency. Perhaps by the end of the year, they will finally overcome Stalin's decade long reign as Premier and mend the rift between Paris, London, and Moscow.
Lastly, there is the odd man out: Ivan Smirnov. A strong supporter of Trotsky, rabid enemy of Stalin, and General-Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union. After his expulsion from the party in 1927, Smirnov was eventually reinstated not just as a member of the party, but put in one of its most powerful positions for one simple reason; he could be trusted not to play favorites. He disliked the Right Oppositions sway towards Syndicalism, despised Stalin and most of the Center, and the man he actually did support was a continent away, his supporters scattered. What's more, Stalin believed he controlled Ivan, the man being one mistep away from being exposed as a Trotskyite and expelled from the party again or worse. However, Ivan is not broken. Though he has sworn off Trotsky he still speaks quietly with likeminded men of the Left Opposition, his friendship with Grigory Zinoviev still holds strong, and Bukharin and Rykov are far less infuriating then Stalin ever could be. Smirnov will play a vital role in the politics of the coming months. Whether Trotsky returns, the Center bucks Stalin, the Right ascends, or the Man of Steel reigns triumphant, Smirnov will play a pivotal role in that outcome.
The Issues They Face
The NEP vs Five Year Plans - One of the most divisive issues plaguing the party is whether or not to commit to either a fully reorganized NEP, or to double down on the system of Five Year Plans to increase the Soviet Unions heavy industries. Ever since Joseph Stalin rose to Premiership, the Soviet economy has been pulled in two separate directions. One is championed by both the Left Opposition and Stalin himself, that being the collectivization of farmland and an economic focus on heavy industries. The opposite is Bukharin's 'Reorganized New Economic Plan', a full rework of the NEP along more Syndicalist lines. In years past the Soviet Union has partially adopted both economies with surprisingly positive effects, but now the economy and bureaucracy is stumbling under the weight of the two systems and a choice has to be made; Full-send on collectivization, or stay the course with the NEP?
Socialism in One Country vs Permanent Revolution - Perhaps one of the prime failures of Stalin was his commitment to the concept of Socialism in one Country, in which the Soviet Union must look inwards to build its strength before reaching out to the wider world. This was made under the assumption that no other nation would collapse to revolution, with or without the Soviet Unions help, so Stalin and others like him looked quite foolish when the Italian Federation and British Empire collapsed and Syndicalism rose in its place. Under Stalin, the capital of the world revolution was not in Moscow, but in Paris. Under Stalin, rather than uniting against the common threat of reaction, the socialist world divided between the anarchist Internationale and the Bolshevik Comintern... and the Comintern is losing. Either Stalin must overcome the red portion of western Europe or swallow his pride before his failings become someone else success...
The Ost Wall - The Treaty of Brest-Litovsk was a great shame Lenin had to accept to ensure peace between Russia and Germany. With the Civil War still raging and Germany only getting stronger, the writing was on the wall. While in the end very little ethnically Russian land was lost, the Soviet Union was not built on an ethnic model. The shame of Brest-Litovsk still burns, and while peace was achieved, more and more voices find the call of revolution and war burn brighter in their hearts. The Soviet Union's industry is growing at an exponential rate, and the Red Army expands and modernizes with every year. What's more, the cracks in Germany's eastern armor have finally begun to show as it's eastern 'allies' struggle to appease their disgruntled peoples. For the men who lead the Union, their experience all tells them the same thing: War is coming, whether they want it or not.
Soviet Union Paths
The Man of Steel (Totalism) - Despite all efforts to stop him, Stalin is finally ascendant within the Soviet Union. Trotsky, Bukharin, Smirnov... all of these men are now gone, politically (and soon, literally). The Foundation of the Cult of Stalin has already been laid, and lists are being written. Lists of names, hundreds of names, thousands, hundreds of thousands of names. Soon, Stalin will clean house. Soon, no one shall be safe from Stalin and his megalomanic paranoia. Soon, Russia will have a new religion, the creed of Stalinism.
"The more things change, the more they stay the same."
Return of the Triumvirate (Radical Socialist) - Though Trotsky and Bukharin's lot were finally subdued, Stalin cannot deny that he could've done it alone. Lev Kamenev and Grigory Zinoviev (Or one of them and Smirnov) have entrenched their position as Stalin's right and left hands. Stalin has won, but he must contend with his old rivals and allies as equals once more. Perhaps in another ten years, Stalin could revisit their necessity as allies but for now, the Troika reigns supreme.
"Caesar, Crassus, and Pompey once more rule the Third Rome."
Heir of Lenin (Totalism) - After a decade in exile, Trotsky has returned has crossed the Rubicon and ousted his enemies. The triumphant revolutionary can now reshape the Soviet Union along the path it was truly meant to take, and serve as a shining example of Marxism-Leninism-Totalism. Already the Red Army begins to mobilize and the factories churn out guns as Trotsky plans in tandem with his socialist allies in France and Britain and the German Empire shudders as the Russian Bear awakens.
"The Ghost of Lenin stirs in his grave."
The Siberian Dark Horse (Totalism) - Much like the man who occupied the office before him, Smirnov has managed to play everyone off one another until he alone remains standing. The Right Opposition is in chaos, Stalin and his lackey's are gone or turning their coats to the winning side, and without Trotsky the Left Opposition has rallied around his natural successor. Ivan Smirnov was never in the cards to come out the true winner, and yet now he sits at the top of the pile under the mantle of Marxism-Trotskyism. Smirnov will honor his predecessor by continuing the Permanent Revolution, and bring revolution to the west as he did to the east.
"First, Kolchak. Next, the Kaiser."
Defender of the Peasantry (Syndicalism) - With Stalin finally removed from power, Bukharin can begin the process of De-Stalinization and directing the Revolution onto the right track. Under Bukharin, the well-being of the working class and peasantry shall come first, as will their liberation and empowerment and the only way to achieve that, as shown in the west, is through the Syndicate. Lenin once called Bukharin the 'Golden Boy of the Party', and though Lenin did have his criticisms of the man none could ever deny his well-earned popularity. He will ensure the people of the Soviet Union do not run the risk of other autocratic Stalin's or ambitious Trotsky's taking the reigns. He will mend the gap with the Internationale not because he is a sycophant of some would-be dictator with a funny moustache, but because all of socialism must come together to challenge the warriors of reaction. He will build a new Soviet Union, not one born out of his blood, sweat and tears alone, but by the blood of soldiers on the field of battle, the sweat of factory workers on the production line, and the tears of mother and fathers. Not because Bukharin ordered them to do so for the 'Greater Good'... but because they united as one to stare the dragon of reaction in the face and tell it that its time was past.
"Democracy of the People, by the People, for the People, Shall Not Perish from the Earth."
The Fading Star (Radical Socialism) - Once, Rykov was not too dissimilar to the likes of Stalin or Trotsky, who championed 'the end justified the means'. They were not one of the architects of War Communism, and the blood that policy, however necessary and effective, stained Rykov's hands to this day. He is not Bukharin, he does not have his drive nor his charisma. But what he does have is experience and focus. Perhaps the Soviet Union will not become as revolutionary or radical under Rykov. Perhaps Rykov cannot be Bukharin. But what Rykov can do is ensure the Soviet Union he leaves behind is strong, united, and ready for a younger man to take into a new age. This will be the second time Rykov has acted as Premier of the Soviet Union, and he will not let it slip out of his fingers like the last time.
"The Reaper now Sows the Seeds of Tomorrow."
Other Snippets
submitted by InquisitorHindsight to Kaiserreich [link] [comments]
It is the year 1936. Joseph Stalin acts as Chairman of the Communist Party and Premier of the Soviet Union carefully bides his time. Ever since his failed bid to remove the Central and Left Oppositions in 1927-28 seized him the Premiership, he had carefully spent nearly a decade rebuilding his influence and network to the point that he can try a second attempt to dispel his political rivals and not a moment too soon. Within a years time, the Man of Steel predicts the Congress of the Soviets would gather to reexamine and most likely replace the old 1924 consitution with something that would give the lethargic titan purpose. If the premier gets his way, this new document will be a Stalin Constitution.
Meanwhile, Leon Trotsky stews in exile from his current residence in London, the famous Bolshevik a guest of the likeminded Oswald Mosely. In fact, he has spent a great deal of time writing theory for a new socialist system to, in his words, 'Provide a Total answer to the schism between the Bolshevik east and the Syndicalist West.' However, the Revolutionary is not content to rot away in western Europe. He too has been patient, he too has rebuilt his influence and recruited supporters within the Soviet Union knowing that the window is closing for him to return triumphantly within the halls of power and direct the Permanent Revolution towards crushing the forces of reaction.
Perhaps he is confident in his return as his supporters back home have informed him about the shaky foundations of the Central Opposition. Officially, this political bloc was led by the 'Troika' or the alliance between Joseph Stalin, Lev Kamanev, and Grigory Zinoviev. In reality, this triumvirate was primarily under Stalin's control, who only retained the other two when it became clear the Right Opposition would not be easily uprooted. Neither men, however, forgot Stalin's betrayal and how close they came to being removed from power. Gigory Zinoviev, General-Secretary of the Comintern, has drifted (in secret) closer to elements of the underground Left Opposition. On the other hand, Lev Kamanev has quietly reached out to elements of the Right Opposition, more out of necessity and a shared hatred for Stalin.
Speaking of which, the Right Opposition. Partially born out of Nikolai Bukharin's admiration for the New Economic Policy and admiration of the successful French and British Revolutions. With the rise of Syndicalism in the west, the concept of a partially decentralized economy has seemingly been vindicated. With Bukharin's popularity and Alexei Rykov's experience both in politics and economics, the Right Opposition was transformed into the 'Bolshevik Syndicalist' wing of the Party. Crucial in defeating Stalin's first seizure in the late 1920's, Bukharin and Rykov have represented the opposition to Stalin's Center Tendency. Perhaps by the end of the year, they will finally overcome Stalin's decade long reign as Premier and mend the rift between Paris, London, and Moscow.
Lastly, there is the odd man out: Ivan Smirnov. A strong supporter of Trotsky, rabid enemy of Stalin, and General-Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union. After his expulsion from the party in 1927, Smirnov was eventually reinstated not just as a member of the party, but put in one of its most powerful positions for one simple reason; he could be trusted not to play favorites. He disliked the Right Oppositions sway towards Syndicalism, despised Stalin and most of the Center, and the man he actually did support was a continent away, his supporters scattered. What's more, Stalin believed he controlled Ivan, the man being one mistep away from being exposed as a Trotskyite and expelled from the party again or worse. However, Ivan is not broken. Though he has sworn off Trotsky he still speaks quietly with likeminded men of the Left Opposition, his friendship with Grigory Zinoviev still holds strong, and Bukharin and Rykov are far less infuriating then Stalin ever could be. Smirnov will play a vital role in the politics of the coming months. Whether Trotsky returns, the Center bucks Stalin, the Right ascends, or the Man of Steel reigns triumphant, Smirnov will play a pivotal role in that outcome.
The Issues They Face
The NEP vs Five Year Plans - One of the most divisive issues plaguing the party is whether or not to commit to either a fully reorganized NEP, or to double down on the system of Five Year Plans to increase the Soviet Unions heavy industries. Ever since Joseph Stalin rose to Premiership, the Soviet economy has been pulled in two separate directions. One is championed by both the Left Opposition and Stalin himself, that being the collectivization of farmland and an economic focus on heavy industries. The opposite is Bukharin's 'Reorganized New Economic Plan', a full rework of the NEP along more Syndicalist lines. In years past the Soviet Union has partially adopted both economies with surprisingly positive effects, but now the economy and bureaucracy is stumbling under the weight of the two systems and a choice has to be made; Full-send on collectivization, or stay the course with the NEP?
Socialism in One Country vs Permanent Revolution - Perhaps one of the prime failures of Stalin was his commitment to the concept of Socialism in one Country, in which the Soviet Union must look inwards to build its strength before reaching out to the wider world. This was made under the assumption that no other nation would collapse to revolution, with or without the Soviet Unions help, so Stalin and others like him looked quite foolish when the Italian Federation and British Empire collapsed and Syndicalism rose in its place. Under Stalin, the capital of the world revolution was not in Moscow, but in Paris. Under Stalin, rather than uniting against the common threat of reaction, the socialist world divided between the anarchist Internationale and the Bolshevik Comintern... and the Comintern is losing. Either Stalin must overcome the red portion of western Europe or swallow his pride before his failings become someone else success...
The Ost Wall - The Treaty of Brest-Litovsk was a great shame Lenin had to accept to ensure peace between Russia and Germany. With the Civil War still raging and Germany only getting stronger, the writing was on the wall. While in the end very little ethnically Russian land was lost, the Soviet Union was not built on an ethnic model. The shame of Brest-Litovsk still burns, and while peace was achieved, more and more voices find the call of revolution and war burn brighter in their hearts. The Soviet Union's industry is growing at an exponential rate, and the Red Army expands and modernizes with every year. What's more, the cracks in Germany's eastern armor have finally begun to show as it's eastern 'allies' struggle to appease their disgruntled peoples. For the men who lead the Union, their experience all tells them the same thing: War is coming, whether they want it or not.
Soviet Union Paths
The Man of Steel (Totalism) - Despite all efforts to stop him, Stalin is finally ascendant within the Soviet Union. Trotsky, Bukharin, Smirnov... all of these men are now gone, politically (and soon, literally). The Foundation of the Cult of Stalin has already been laid, and lists are being written. Lists of names, hundreds of names, thousands, hundreds of thousands of names. Soon, Stalin will clean house. Soon, no one shall be safe from Stalin and his megalomanic paranoia. Soon, Russia will have a new religion, the creed of Stalinism.
"The more things change, the more they stay the same."
Return of the Triumvirate (Radical Socialist) - Though Trotsky and Bukharin's lot were finally subdued, Stalin cannot deny that he could've done it alone. Lev Kamenev and Grigory Zinoviev (Or one of them and Smirnov) have entrenched their position as Stalin's right and left hands. Stalin has won, but he must contend with his old rivals and allies as equals once more. Perhaps in another ten years, Stalin could revisit their necessity as allies but for now, the Troika reigns supreme.
"Caesar, Crassus, and Pompey once more rule the Third Rome."
Heir of Lenin (Totalism) - After a decade in exile, Trotsky has returned has crossed the Rubicon and ousted his enemies. The triumphant revolutionary can now reshape the Soviet Union along the path it was truly meant to take, and serve as a shining example of Marxism-Leninism-Totalism. Already the Red Army begins to mobilize and the factories churn out guns as Trotsky plans in tandem with his socialist allies in France and Britain and the German Empire shudders as the Russian Bear awakens.
"The Ghost of Lenin stirs in his grave."
The Siberian Dark Horse (Totalism) - Much like the man who occupied the office before him, Smirnov has managed to play everyone off one another until he alone remains standing. The Right Opposition is in chaos, Stalin and his lackey's are gone or turning their coats to the winning side, and without Trotsky the Left Opposition has rallied around his natural successor. Ivan Smirnov was never in the cards to come out the true winner, and yet now he sits at the top of the pile under the mantle of Marxism-Trotskyism. Smirnov will honor his predecessor by continuing the Permanent Revolution, and bring revolution to the west as he did to the east.
"First, Kolchak. Next, the Kaiser."
Defender of the Peasantry (Syndicalism) - With Stalin finally removed from power, Bukharin can begin the process of De-Stalinization and directing the Revolution onto the right track. Under Bukharin, the well-being of the working class and peasantry shall come first, as will their liberation and empowerment and the only way to achieve that, as shown in the west, is through the Syndicate. Lenin once called Bukharin the 'Golden Boy of the Party', and though Lenin did have his criticisms of the man none could ever deny his well-earned popularity. He will ensure the people of the Soviet Union do not run the risk of other autocratic Stalin's or ambitious Trotsky's taking the reigns. He will mend the gap with the Internationale not because he is a sycophant of some would-be dictator with a funny moustache, but because all of socialism must come together to challenge the warriors of reaction. He will build a new Soviet Union, not one born out of his blood, sweat and tears alone, but by the blood of soldiers on the field of battle, the sweat of factory workers on the production line, and the tears of mother and fathers. Not because Bukharin ordered them to do so for the 'Greater Good'... but because they united as one to stare the dragon of reaction in the face and tell it that its time was past.
"Democracy of the People, by the People, for the People, Shall Not Perish from the Earth."
The Fading Star (Radical Socialism) - Once, Rykov was not too dissimilar to the likes of Stalin or Trotsky, who championed 'the end justified the means'. They were not one of the architects of War Communism, and the blood that policy, however necessary and effective, stained Rykov's hands to this day. He is not Bukharin, he does not have his drive nor his charisma. But what he does have is experience and focus. Perhaps the Soviet Union will not become as revolutionary or radical under Rykov. Perhaps Rykov cannot be Bukharin. But what Rykov can do is ensure the Soviet Union he leaves behind is strong, united, and ready for a younger man to take into a new age. This will be the second time Rykov has acted as Premier of the Soviet Union, and he will not let it slip out of his fingers like the last time.
"The Reaper now Sows the Seeds of Tomorrow."
Other Snippets
- If Trotsky fails to return to the Soviet Union or survives assassination attempts, members of the Third Internationale will have events involving Trotsky. In particular, he will visit the Combined Syndicates of America and, depending on choices made by the CSA and how close the CSA is to being defeated, stay to support the revolution. This can range from either acting as a National Spirit and possible Advisor to actually acting as a Field Marshal/General for the CSA. His presence also increases the popularity of Totalism. He can provide similar buffs to either the SRI, The Commune, or the Union of Britain.
- If Stalin is exiled from the Soviet Union, he will eventually end up in Mexico. Trotsky or Smirnov can choose to send assassins after Stalin where upon he will be found murdered in his study, killed by an ice pick and becomes a Martyr for anti-trotskyite/Smirnovite socialists. If he is not assassinated, Stalin eventually suffers a stroke in the late 50's, but is saved by the quick actions of local doctors but was rendered mentally impaired, and fades into relative obscurity.
- If Stalin is not exiled, he will merely be removed from the party and retires to his villa on the black sea. Again, Trotsky or Smirnov can have him killed much to the same effect, but if not Stalin spends his days living a relaxing and peaceful life, writing books and essay's in both Russian and Georgian and on all manners of subjects including Stalin's views on Christianity, and acting as the Patriarch of a growing family. His daughter, Svetlana, eventually joins the Communist Party.
- While Stalin, Trotsky, and Smirnov can all turn the Soviet Union Totalist, their flavors vary somewhat wildly. Stalin turns the Soviet Union down its OTL path of Stalinism of course. Marxism-Leninism-Totalism is rather similar to Stalinism but much more zealous and aggressive in doctrine. Marxism-Trotskyism is essentially bog-standard Marxism-Leninism but more heavily militarized, and Smirnov takes on Stalinist and Trotskyist attributes eventually culminating in a Cult of Personality forming around the Siberian Lenin.
- Bukharin's paths will either end with Bukharin ceding power to the Supreme Soviet/Congress of Soviets of which he will remain a prominent voice, or one where Bukharin accidently forms a Cult of Personality around himself, though one that's more benign in nature. Both endings are seen as positive but radical. Rykov is still a positive ending, though more pragmatic and moderate compared to Bukharin's radicalism.
2024.05.20 03:58 FitBookworm98 Extreme Swelling on Left Side of Face
Hello everyone,
On Friday 05/17 (2 days ago) I had my upper left wisdom tooth extracted and my bottom wisdom teeth I had coronectomies on. The swelling on the right side of face is a lot less significant than my left side since it was just that one tooth that was messed with on the right. My left side, however, is insanely swollen. My cheek feels hard like its one giant lump and my bottom lip has "sunken in" so that you can't really see it. The swelling has also made its way up toward my eye and slightly up the side of my nose. It is pulling on the inner corner of my eye. I have followed all directions such as icing on and off every 20 mins for the first two days, taking my medications as prescribed (alternating the narcotic pain medicine with Ibuprofren every 2 hours), and today I started using a warm compress to no avail. I know it's only been 2 days since I had this procedure done, but this seems like a whole lot of swelling. The upper left tooth took longer to pull than expected because the root was hooked at the end.
With that being said, the feeling of my face being stretched to its limit on the left side is super uncomfortable. I can't bite down completely, I can't see much of my bottom lip, and the swelling is navigating toward my left eye. Is this amount of swelling normal? I can't even talk without it sounding weird.
submitted by FitBookworm98 to wisdomteeth [link] [comments]
On Friday 05/17 (2 days ago) I had my upper left wisdom tooth extracted and my bottom wisdom teeth I had coronectomies on. The swelling on the right side of face is a lot less significant than my left side since it was just that one tooth that was messed with on the right. My left side, however, is insanely swollen. My cheek feels hard like its one giant lump and my bottom lip has "sunken in" so that you can't really see it. The swelling has also made its way up toward my eye and slightly up the side of my nose. It is pulling on the inner corner of my eye. I have followed all directions such as icing on and off every 20 mins for the first two days, taking my medications as prescribed (alternating the narcotic pain medicine with Ibuprofren every 2 hours), and today I started using a warm compress to no avail. I know it's only been 2 days since I had this procedure done, but this seems like a whole lot of swelling. The upper left tooth took longer to pull than expected because the root was hooked at the end.
With that being said, the feeling of my face being stretched to its limit on the left side is super uncomfortable. I can't bite down completely, I can't see much of my bottom lip, and the swelling is navigating toward my left eye. Is this amount of swelling normal? I can't even talk without it sounding weird.
2024.05.20 03:57 catsbewatchin What is the best way to handle a coworker who won’t stop invading personal space/touching you?
I’m having a problem with one of my coworkers. First I want to start out since I feel it is relevant, she is special needs, which I’m only including because I feel like this plays a role in her actions. Also, she is not a minor, we are both girls. I have been at this store less than a year but this issue has been going on basically the whole time, but it has really seemed to ramp up lately. She will hug me, touch me with her hand, put her arm around me, etc. When she talks to me, she gets right up in my face. Like so close that our chests are basically touching, her face is inches from mine. She will come up and look inside my apron pocket and question the things I have inside. Like today I had a pack of gum in there. She walks up and looks inside my pocket and goes “can I have a piece of gum” (other times it has been “what is that” “why do you have that” etc). She sneaks up behind me and scares me purposefully then tries to hug me as an apology. If I take my phone out for a brief second (I don’t just stand there scrolling my phone but sometimes I have to use it briefly to communicate with my partner) she is hovering over my shoulder looking at my phone, asking questions “what is that” “is that your kid?” “Who are you texting”
I’m sick of it. I like my personal space, my privacy, I don’t like to be touched at work by my coworkers. I don’t like having someone come up and take inventory of what I have in my pockets. Like wtf. I know she may be lacking social cues but sometimes I feel like she does know what she’s doing. I try to make it obvious she is making me uncomfortable. If she touches me, I pull away, if she gets super close to me, I move away, but she will just move with me and stay just as close. I try to walk away but she follows me. I’m a bit afraid to just tell her “please leave me alone” or “please don’t touch me” because I feel like she is going to react poorly and take offensive and I worry it will make things even worse. I also have been considering going to management but I don’t want her to find out I complained about her actions, because again, I feel like it will make things worse OR they won’t do anything at all and it will just continue.
I feel like this is a sticky situation and I don’t know the best way to approach it. So, how would guys approach this problem? I’ve never dealt with something quite like this before.
submitted by catsbewatchin to publix [link] [comments]
I’m sick of it. I like my personal space, my privacy, I don’t like to be touched at work by my coworkers. I don’t like having someone come up and take inventory of what I have in my pockets. Like wtf. I know she may be lacking social cues but sometimes I feel like she does know what she’s doing. I try to make it obvious she is making me uncomfortable. If she touches me, I pull away, if she gets super close to me, I move away, but she will just move with me and stay just as close. I try to walk away but she follows me. I’m a bit afraid to just tell her “please leave me alone” or “please don’t touch me” because I feel like she is going to react poorly and take offensive and I worry it will make things even worse. I also have been considering going to management but I don’t want her to find out I complained about her actions, because again, I feel like it will make things worse OR they won’t do anything at all and it will just continue.
I feel like this is a sticky situation and I don’t know the best way to approach it. So, how would guys approach this problem? I’ve never dealt with something quite like this before.
2024.05.20 03:57 avantgardebbread horrible migraine(?) out of nowhere(?) with twitching
so 2 days ago, I had a migraine like i’ve never ever had before. I got them a couple years ago before I went gluten free for celiacs + I had a brain tumor I didn’t know about(cushings disease). I didn’t really think much of them though at the time, after a couple hours of a bad headache on one side and light sensitivity it was over. but this time was extremely different and I ended up in the er because it just freaked me out. the last week and a half i’ve had both pms + starting my period, and 5 straight days of rain that caused my fibro to flare up. i’ve also just been dizzy(normal w fibro) but I thought it could’ve been my edibles. so I tried to take a t break to see if it would help any. I also have orthostatic hypotension but i’ve had that looonnggg before anything else. I take an about 3mg edible with about 15mg cbd for sleep and chronic pain every night or else I will be up all night. I do get tension headaches when i’ve been under a lot of stress + weather changes.
but then the following evening I was walking around a store when I got the sudden urge to throw up, I get nauseous but rarely like that. I was like dry sweating and my head started hurting. something felt very off from my normal issues and I tried to rush home. about 4 minutes away from my apartment my eyes started rolling into my head, luckily I got home safely. but within about 20 minutes of being home after a small dinner(I thought it was just low blood sugar or something) my eyes just kept rolling into my head, my leg started twitching a bit, and it just was painful so I laid down. the eye thing kept happening and I kept getting flashing lights everywhere(which I get those every once I in whike accompanied by a slight headache and dizziness). then my left arm kept almost convulsing(?) and my hand kept going into a claw postion. I kept getting tingling and numbness mainly on my left side as well. I had a couple momenrs with my right shoulder too. all while this was going on it felt like I took a backseat in my own body like I wasn’t in control. my headache was mainly above my eyes and in the center of my forehead. it eventually swept itself to my left side of my head entirely and that definitely felt like a migraine. visual aura kept going on. eyes kept moving back and forth but I couldn’t open my left. I kept trying to call for my roommate but but I couldn’t speak. it was terrifying. the headache continued for a couple more hours.
the next day around the same time, the twitching started again with a little bit of the eye issues and extreme nausea. this time my left side just felt weaker but I could still walk and use my arms. the flashing lights came again so I ubered to the er. aboutwo hours into my visit I got the migraine mock tail with benadryl zofran and thorazine. it felt like the headache kept wanting to happen until I got those. it helped with everything about 20 minutes after I took the meds. so I got discharged with a referral to a neuro about 40 minutes after that. today, i’ve just felt weak in the arms and tired, but I did start my edibles again last night and haven’t had any symptoms except my usual neck pain (I sleep weird and i’m an artist), temple headache, and very little appetite.
I guess my question is could this have been thc withdrawal? could it have been masking the migraines? or just stress, period stuff, and weather changes? i’ve been having weird symptoms the last couple of months with more visual disturbances accompanied by episodes that just made me feel like I was going to drop on the floor, confusion, tingling on the back of my limbs, and fatigue. those days i’d rush home from school and immediately fall asleep for hours without eating dinner. neurological issues do also run in the family(migraines and my mom has fnd)
i’m sorry for the long post, i’m just concerned, confused, and exhausted. i’m not looking for a ton of medical advice as I am seeing a neurologist soon, just kinda looking for support and if there’s anything I can do in the meantime.
submitted by avantgardebbread to migraine [link] [comments]
but then the following evening I was walking around a store when I got the sudden urge to throw up, I get nauseous but rarely like that. I was like dry sweating and my head started hurting. something felt very off from my normal issues and I tried to rush home. about 4 minutes away from my apartment my eyes started rolling into my head, luckily I got home safely. but within about 20 minutes of being home after a small dinner(I thought it was just low blood sugar or something) my eyes just kept rolling into my head, my leg started twitching a bit, and it just was painful so I laid down. the eye thing kept happening and I kept getting flashing lights everywhere(which I get those every once I in whike accompanied by a slight headache and dizziness). then my left arm kept almost convulsing(?) and my hand kept going into a claw postion. I kept getting tingling and numbness mainly on my left side as well. I had a couple momenrs with my right shoulder too. all while this was going on it felt like I took a backseat in my own body like I wasn’t in control. my headache was mainly above my eyes and in the center of my forehead. it eventually swept itself to my left side of my head entirely and that definitely felt like a migraine. visual aura kept going on. eyes kept moving back and forth but I couldn’t open my left. I kept trying to call for my roommate but but I couldn’t speak. it was terrifying. the headache continued for a couple more hours.
the next day around the same time, the twitching started again with a little bit of the eye issues and extreme nausea. this time my left side just felt weaker but I could still walk and use my arms. the flashing lights came again so I ubered to the er. aboutwo hours into my visit I got the migraine mock tail with benadryl zofran and thorazine. it felt like the headache kept wanting to happen until I got those. it helped with everything about 20 minutes after I took the meds. so I got discharged with a referral to a neuro about 40 minutes after that. today, i’ve just felt weak in the arms and tired, but I did start my edibles again last night and haven’t had any symptoms except my usual neck pain (I sleep weird and i’m an artist), temple headache, and very little appetite.
I guess my question is could this have been thc withdrawal? could it have been masking the migraines? or just stress, period stuff, and weather changes? i’ve been having weird symptoms the last couple of months with more visual disturbances accompanied by episodes that just made me feel like I was going to drop on the floor, confusion, tingling on the back of my limbs, and fatigue. those days i’d rush home from school and immediately fall asleep for hours without eating dinner. neurological issues do also run in the family(migraines and my mom has fnd)
i’m sorry for the long post, i’m just concerned, confused, and exhausted. i’m not looking for a ton of medical advice as I am seeing a neurologist soon, just kinda looking for support and if there’s anything I can do in the meantime.
2024.05.20 03:56 dookiehed Tonsillectomy Experience (38m)
Hey, figured I'd share my tonsillectomy experience because this sub was a great resource for me leading up and after my surgery.
I had surgery on May 2, after quite a bizarre experience with my tonsils. I've had tonsil stones for as long as I can remember, but as everyone here can attest to, ENTs and doctors don't really treat stones. Also, at about the base of my left tonsil, the tissue had hardened a bit, and I suspected that I had a tonsil stone wedged deep that I could feel. After seeing about four ENTs and two oral surgeons, they all gave me the same recommendation: get those suckers yanked out.
I still wasn't convinced so I asked about getting some imaging done (I'm in the US with good private insurance, so relatively easy to schedule, but still decent $$$). I got an MRI and it didn't show anything nefarious, but interestingly enough the tech noted a "lesion" on my right tonsil, the one that felt perfectly fine. Given this new information my ENT suggested a tonsillectomy because it was really the only option I had left and every other doctor suggested the same.
I scheduled my surgery and soon enough the day came. I've had surgeries before (2x ACL, 1x meniscus over a 30 year soccer 'career') so I knew what to expect. I didn't anticipate being in the surgery center with 6 year olds as I was the only adult getting the procedure that day!!
Day 1: They wheeled me back and knocked me out, and when I woke up I remember being surprised that the pain I was in was probably a 9/10. My second ACL surgery was like an 11/10 when I woke up (interestingly enough my first ACL surgery was like 3/10) so I was initially surprised how uncomfortable I was.
They fed me ice pops and gave me ice water and tried talking to me, but before I knew it, I was on my way home. In the US, if you go to a private surgery facility, they generally wheel you out within 10 mins of waking up.
The rest of the day was pretty brutal as swallowing was uncomfortable, but my mouth kept filling with saliva so I essentially had to keep drinking water and swallowing, which wasn't great. Eating was completely out of the question, but I had stocked up on some ready to drink protein drinks that kept me relatively satiated. I kept to a pretty strict medicinal schedule which helped me sleep a bit.
Day 2: Still uncomfortable but the pain was significantly less, maybe a 5-6/10. I took about 5ml every 4-5 hours of liquid oxycodone and caught up on Vanderpump Rules. I kept a large cooler by my bed stocked with ice from Sonic, Alo Water, protein drinks, a million water bottles and ice packs. I had a couple of ice pops, but honestly, I just didn't have any appetite for ice cream or ice pops or the like. Ice cold water and the Alo Water were great.
Day 3-4: Pain was about a 4/10 and getting better. I kept to the same schedule for medicine, trash TV shows, and water + ready to drink protein. My wife made me some pastina pasta with butter and although it took me 45 mins to eat a couple of spoonfuls, it did a lot for my mind. I also ate one scrambled egg, but it took me a while. I also had my bowel movement! This is very important after surgery!! Please take some stool softener!!!
However, on Day 4 right before bed around midnight, I "spit" (aka let drool fall out of my mouth) and noticed blood in my saliva. My doctor just said to call if you see any bright blood in your saliva and I noticed it more and more, but not a lot of volume. Of course I freaked out and called at 1am, but my understanding is that a little blood is ok and should resolve itself with ice water and ice gargling. It's really only if your mouth is filling with blood rapidly that you should head to the hospital.
Day 5: I woke up out of a decent sleep at 4am not in pain, but seriously uncomfortable, like my throat and mouth were incredibly sore. The painkillers really helped and I felt like I had taken a step back in the recovery. I could start to talk a little bit more, but nothing more than a couple of whispered sentences at a time.
Day 6: Still sore, but I remember feeling like I turned a corner finally.
Day 7: Back to work! I work hybrid so I was home to recover and didn't have any problems concentrating or typing or anything. I had only been taking the painkillers maybe once a day, usually at night.
I'm a little over 2 weeks now and I feel as though I'm completely back to eating normally and speaking normally, though I can't talk too loud or for too long. After living with tonsil stones for so long, my mouth feels a lot cleaner if that makes sense.
No regrets on the surgery. Looking back, spending time in front of a mirror pushing calcified food particles out of crevices in your mouth is a wild way to spend your time. The recovery was tough I'm not gonna lie, but it is relatively short.
I found myself just like drooling saliva out of my mouth over a sink because I didn't want to swallow anymore. Ice cold water makes swallowing way more tolerable so try to always have ice cold water on hand at all times. I drink water like a psychopath so I was super hydrated, to the point where I was peeing every 45 mins the first two days. I couldn't imagine being dehydrated and trying to recover.
If I could do it over again, I would brew more tea with plenty of honey and let it cool down and then drink it cold. Honey is basically a wonder drug but I didn't utilize it enough in the beginning.
I found and downloaded a text to speech app, which was pretty handy. My kids loved it.
Here are some essentials that other people have mentioned here but I'll list them below. Good luck!!
Pillow Wedge for elevated sleep - I actually still use this as I enjoy sleeping a bit elevated now
Alo Water with Honey - I didn't realize there are clear pieces of aloe vera "pulp" in the drink, which was a super weird experience. I wound up straining the pulp out. Also, try to cut this with water, there's an insane amount of sugar in the huge bottles and you don't want any unnecessary discomfort while you're trying to recover.
Warm and Cool Mist Humidifier - I already owned this and I had it running basically 24/7. I still woke up with a dry mouth which is kind of miserable, but I think it would've been worse if I didn't have this.
Fairlife Core Power Protein Drinks - 26 or 42 grams of protein is amazing when you're recovering. They are a bit expensive, so I picked up a case of the Fairlife Nutrition Plan from my local Costco.
Sonic Pebble Ice - Pebble ice is so much better than regular ice from a freezer or if you're freezing a tray. I don't know why. It's so much easier to chew and it's so much more satisfying to put in your water, especially recovering from a tonsillectomy. If you don't leave near a Sonic, try to find pebble ice somewhere!
Miralax, 7 Once Daily Doses - You NEED a stool softener. The opioids will back you up. The worst part of my ACL recovery was that first bowel movement. I didn't stay on top of my stool softener game. You gotta get that first BM out of the way ideally within like 2-3 days.
RTIC 52 QT Cooler - It's not necessary to have a $200 cooler next to your bed, but if you already have a nice one like a Yeti or RTIC, I'd definitely recommend keeping it near where you are recovering.
Tongue Scraper - I didn't brush my teeth for like 3 days and I felt awful about it. I'd recommend at least a tongue scraper to keep up on the hygiene.
Ice Pack Head Wrap - I thought I would use this more, but it came in handy on days 5-6. I didn't need it, but I'm glad it was around.
submitted by dookiehed to Tonsillectomy [link] [comments]
I had surgery on May 2, after quite a bizarre experience with my tonsils. I've had tonsil stones for as long as I can remember, but as everyone here can attest to, ENTs and doctors don't really treat stones. Also, at about the base of my left tonsil, the tissue had hardened a bit, and I suspected that I had a tonsil stone wedged deep that I could feel. After seeing about four ENTs and two oral surgeons, they all gave me the same recommendation: get those suckers yanked out.
I still wasn't convinced so I asked about getting some imaging done (I'm in the US with good private insurance, so relatively easy to schedule, but still decent $$$). I got an MRI and it didn't show anything nefarious, but interestingly enough the tech noted a "lesion" on my right tonsil, the one that felt perfectly fine. Given this new information my ENT suggested a tonsillectomy because it was really the only option I had left and every other doctor suggested the same.
I scheduled my surgery and soon enough the day came. I've had surgeries before (2x ACL, 1x meniscus over a 30 year soccer 'career') so I knew what to expect. I didn't anticipate being in the surgery center with 6 year olds as I was the only adult getting the procedure that day!!
Day 1: They wheeled me back and knocked me out, and when I woke up I remember being surprised that the pain I was in was probably a 9/10. My second ACL surgery was like an 11/10 when I woke up (interestingly enough my first ACL surgery was like 3/10) so I was initially surprised how uncomfortable I was.
They fed me ice pops and gave me ice water and tried talking to me, but before I knew it, I was on my way home. In the US, if you go to a private surgery facility, they generally wheel you out within 10 mins of waking up.
The rest of the day was pretty brutal as swallowing was uncomfortable, but my mouth kept filling with saliva so I essentially had to keep drinking water and swallowing, which wasn't great. Eating was completely out of the question, but I had stocked up on some ready to drink protein drinks that kept me relatively satiated. I kept to a pretty strict medicinal schedule which helped me sleep a bit.
Day 2: Still uncomfortable but the pain was significantly less, maybe a 5-6/10. I took about 5ml every 4-5 hours of liquid oxycodone and caught up on Vanderpump Rules. I kept a large cooler by my bed stocked with ice from Sonic, Alo Water, protein drinks, a million water bottles and ice packs. I had a couple of ice pops, but honestly, I just didn't have any appetite for ice cream or ice pops or the like. Ice cold water and the Alo Water were great.
Day 3-4: Pain was about a 4/10 and getting better. I kept to the same schedule for medicine, trash TV shows, and water + ready to drink protein. My wife made me some pastina pasta with butter and although it took me 45 mins to eat a couple of spoonfuls, it did a lot for my mind. I also ate one scrambled egg, but it took me a while. I also had my bowel movement! This is very important after surgery!! Please take some stool softener!!!
However, on Day 4 right before bed around midnight, I "spit" (aka let drool fall out of my mouth) and noticed blood in my saliva. My doctor just said to call if you see any bright blood in your saliva and I noticed it more and more, but not a lot of volume. Of course I freaked out and called at 1am, but my understanding is that a little blood is ok and should resolve itself with ice water and ice gargling. It's really only if your mouth is filling with blood rapidly that you should head to the hospital.
Day 5: I woke up out of a decent sleep at 4am not in pain, but seriously uncomfortable, like my throat and mouth were incredibly sore. The painkillers really helped and I felt like I had taken a step back in the recovery. I could start to talk a little bit more, but nothing more than a couple of whispered sentences at a time.
Day 6: Still sore, but I remember feeling like I turned a corner finally.
Day 7: Back to work! I work hybrid so I was home to recover and didn't have any problems concentrating or typing or anything. I had only been taking the painkillers maybe once a day, usually at night.
I'm a little over 2 weeks now and I feel as though I'm completely back to eating normally and speaking normally, though I can't talk too loud or for too long. After living with tonsil stones for so long, my mouth feels a lot cleaner if that makes sense.
No regrets on the surgery. Looking back, spending time in front of a mirror pushing calcified food particles out of crevices in your mouth is a wild way to spend your time. The recovery was tough I'm not gonna lie, but it is relatively short.
I found myself just like drooling saliva out of my mouth over a sink because I didn't want to swallow anymore. Ice cold water makes swallowing way more tolerable so try to always have ice cold water on hand at all times. I drink water like a psychopath so I was super hydrated, to the point where I was peeing every 45 mins the first two days. I couldn't imagine being dehydrated and trying to recover.
If I could do it over again, I would brew more tea with plenty of honey and let it cool down and then drink it cold. Honey is basically a wonder drug but I didn't utilize it enough in the beginning.
I found and downloaded a text to speech app, which was pretty handy. My kids loved it.
Here are some essentials that other people have mentioned here but I'll list them below. Good luck!!
Pillow Wedge for elevated sleep - I actually still use this as I enjoy sleeping a bit elevated now
Alo Water with Honey - I didn't realize there are clear pieces of aloe vera "pulp" in the drink, which was a super weird experience. I wound up straining the pulp out. Also, try to cut this with water, there's an insane amount of sugar in the huge bottles and you don't want any unnecessary discomfort while you're trying to recover.
Warm and Cool Mist Humidifier - I already owned this and I had it running basically 24/7. I still woke up with a dry mouth which is kind of miserable, but I think it would've been worse if I didn't have this.
Fairlife Core Power Protein Drinks - 26 or 42 grams of protein is amazing when you're recovering. They are a bit expensive, so I picked up a case of the Fairlife Nutrition Plan from my local Costco.
Sonic Pebble Ice - Pebble ice is so much better than regular ice from a freezer or if you're freezing a tray. I don't know why. It's so much easier to chew and it's so much more satisfying to put in your water, especially recovering from a tonsillectomy. If you don't leave near a Sonic, try to find pebble ice somewhere!
Miralax, 7 Once Daily Doses - You NEED a stool softener. The opioids will back you up. The worst part of my ACL recovery was that first bowel movement. I didn't stay on top of my stool softener game. You gotta get that first BM out of the way ideally within like 2-3 days.
RTIC 52 QT Cooler - It's not necessary to have a $200 cooler next to your bed, but if you already have a nice one like a Yeti or RTIC, I'd definitely recommend keeping it near where you are recovering.
Tongue Scraper - I didn't brush my teeth for like 3 days and I felt awful about it. I'd recommend at least a tongue scraper to keep up on the hygiene.
Ice Pack Head Wrap - I thought I would use this more, but it came in handy on days 5-6. I didn't need it, but I'm glad it was around.
2024.05.20 03:56 SinkTeacher Advice Needed About Dogs Who Live Alone
TDLR: Three dogs live by themselves, no humans, in a house next to me. They get out of the fence, are only visited 1-3 a day, get out of their backyard, and are sometimes left outside for extended periods. The owner is a bit hostile, to say the least. What is the best agency to contact to help these dogs?
Next door to me is a duplex, now being turned into single family home. Before the renovation, the landlords daughter "rented" one side and my friends rented the other. The daughter never moved in with her son, but their three dogs did. I don't remember when they moved in, but it's been awhile. They drop by 1-3 and her son feeds them (she sits in the car). Well, since my friends moved out they are selling an renovating. They are let out only a few times a day, but even worse is sometimes they are let our long periods of time. I think the backdoor may be open or easily opened by the dogs. As I type this they're sitting outside and have been for at least 10 hours. One time one got into my yard (and ruined an amazing high). I tried to call the cops but was on hold and managed to get the owner's number plus here mom's (from my friend). I called both, no answer. I texted both and said hey you're dogs are out, please fix this before I have to call the cops. She came but sent me a long text berating me for daring to call the cops (how dare I care about her dogs more than her). So we have a rocky history regarding her dogs. I've had to text her a few times since to say that her dogs were out in the street (IN THE RAIN ONCE!). One even started to chase a biker. What is the best agency to contact to help these dogs? This has gone on for far too long. I should have done something sooner, but I didn't the landlord to retaliate against my friends.
The entire situation, beyond the dog, of the duplex, past tenets, my friends, their eviction, and some other shady shit is wild. I'll be glad to get them all out of my life.
Edit: changed my landlord to the landlord. Im my landlord.
submitted by SinkTeacher to AnimalRights [link] [comments]
Next door to me is a duplex, now being turned into single family home. Before the renovation, the landlords daughter "rented" one side and my friends rented the other. The daughter never moved in with her son, but their three dogs did. I don't remember when they moved in, but it's been awhile. They drop by 1-3 and her son feeds them (she sits in the car). Well, since my friends moved out they are selling an renovating. They are let out only a few times a day, but even worse is sometimes they are let our long periods of time. I think the backdoor may be open or easily opened by the dogs. As I type this they're sitting outside and have been for at least 10 hours. One time one got into my yard (and ruined an amazing high). I tried to call the cops but was on hold and managed to get the owner's number plus here mom's (from my friend). I called both, no answer. I texted both and said hey you're dogs are out, please fix this before I have to call the cops. She came but sent me a long text berating me for daring to call the cops (how dare I care about her dogs more than her). So we have a rocky history regarding her dogs. I've had to text her a few times since to say that her dogs were out in the street (IN THE RAIN ONCE!). One even started to chase a biker. What is the best agency to contact to help these dogs? This has gone on for far too long. I should have done something sooner, but I didn't the landlord to retaliate against my friends.
The entire situation, beyond the dog, of the duplex, past tenets, my friends, their eviction, and some other shady shit is wild. I'll be glad to get them all out of my life.
Edit: changed my landlord to the landlord. Im my landlord.
2024.05.20 03:52 cloudybitch_2001 AITAH For Telling My Best Friend That I Hate Her?
I know the title sounds a little dramatic and it probably is. But this issue I have with my best friend has been going on for over a year now and I honestly don’t know how to feel anymore. I (23 female) and my best friend (29 female) have been friends for almost 4 years now. I understand that that is not a very long time, however there is a backstory here. 4 years ago I moved to the Boise area to get away from my past life and start new. I decided I didn’t want to go to school at the time and I had wanted to just figure life out as I headed into my 20s. I got a steady job, got my own apartment, and was really living on my own for the first time. The only thing that had sucked about moving was leaving all my friends behind. But this is when I meant my best friend, let’s call her Clara. Clara and I had met through work, and we had soon became close friends outside of work. We had clicked so fast, like no other friendship I have had before. Being on my own, and away from everyone I knew, it was so nice to feel comfortable around someone again. We would do everything together. Go to the movies, listen to music, hang out after work, ect. After a while we starting calling each other best friends, we were truly inseparable. That was until one day everything switched. Clara had told me she had started seeing someone, and I was so excited for her because it had been a minute since she was in a relationship and I knew how lonely she had been romantically at the time. She talked and talked to me about her partner for hours on the phone every night, and it was super fun getting all the details about their relationship. I was so thrilled for her, truly. But if I am being honest, I was starting to miss her. We had gone from talking everyday to only talking about her new partner whenever I was able to see her. I understand that when someone is in the honeymoon stage of a relationship they tend to put themselves all in at first, and I had assumed that that is what was happening. But I started to feel like I was invisible around her. I had mentioned this to her and had explained to her how happy I was for her and her new relationship, but I missed her, and I was hoping we could have a day where it was just us girls, and to maybe not focus so much on our love life, more specifically hers. At first she got a little defensive but then realized what my intentions were. She apologized for being so distant and explained that she was just really excited to have someone be so into her again. We had planned a day for it to just be us. I had bought movie tickets for this film she had been wanting to go see and we had planned on lunch and a nice afternoon out shopping. We both had the day off so it was perfect. I had gotten up that day. Got ready, did my hair, my makeup, got super cute for a fun girls day. I text Carla at around 11 since we had planned on meeting up at 12 and asked. “Hey I’m ready when you are, did you want me to meet you at your place? I had waited for about half an hour and no reply. I texted again. “Hey girl, everything okay?” Another 30 minutes went by and nothing. It wasn’t like her to not reply back, so I got worried. Thought something was up. I called her. Nothing. Another hour rolled by and she finally texted me back. “Hey I’m at “partners” house, maybe we can meet up later…” I was taken aback. I stared at my phone confused. Then it hit me. She was blowing me off. AGAIN. I huffed and texted back saying. “What about our plans?” No reply again for another hour. At this point I had lost all hope. We had missed lunch, and by this rate we were going to miss our movie. I cancelled the tickets. She texted me back hours later and said “hey I’m sorry bout today, I promise next time I won’t bail.” Oh but that’s just the start. She kept bailing. Every time I would plan something, she always found a way to skip out. Eventually her and her partner broke up. She only got more distance because now she was depressed. I didn’t want to abandon her because I knew she was hurting, but I was ALSO hurting and had been hurting for months. One night I went over to her place and we just talked about things, and the way life was treating us. I was honest with her and told her that I have felt abandoned completely by her while she was in her relationship, and now only after she was single again did she feel the need to come back to me. Instead of hearing my pain, she decided to get defensive. She told me that she didn’t need me and that I was too much for her sometimes anyways. The only time she genuinely felt happy within the past few years was when she was with her partner. This absolutely gutted me because at that moment it felt like she was telling me that our friendship meant nothing to her. That I never made her laugh, smile, and feel safe. I started to cry and she just stared at me. She got really overwhelmed and told me to leave. When I refused, because I wanted to talk about this, she rolled her eyes and said “fine, I’m going to bed” she went to her room and closed the door behind her. I felt like I just got punched in the chest. I know we hadn’t known each other as long as others, but when we met it was like we had known each other our whole lives already. And to go from that kind of connection to this. And over some person she was dating less than 6 months. I was so heartbroken. Me being the person I am, I decided to forgive her anyway, because I was so lonely, I was scared to take a step back in fear of being alone again. And for the past year now its like things have never been the same. We now live together and it feels like the issue has grown into something much larger than it was before. I started going to therapy to talk about my feelings with someone, and I suggested the same for Clara. But she didn’t want to do that. She has stayed in the same depressive cycle for the past year. Ignoring all friends and family and pushing everyone close away. Eventually I had had enough and exploded one day. I told her that she couldn’t just sulk for the rest of her life. I understand that life is hard, but eventually we have to move on. I figured some tough love would snap her out of it, but oh was I wrong. She actually told me that I was a terrible friend and was not patient enough with her. This coming from her really sent me over the edge. I exclaimed to her that I had had it. “I’m not patient enough? Are you kidding me! You have been sulking over the same things for over a year and through all of the push back and hurtful words, I stayed for you because I believed one day we would get back to how happy and fun we used to be. But I’m not patient enough?” I started to cry. “I’m a bad friend? For what? Staying by your side through thick and thin. And even though you had distanced yourself from me I had let you have your space because I knew that it was you needed at the time? But I have feelings too! Not everything is always about you Clara.” Her face got hot and she had started to shut down. She told me that she didn’t want to be my friend anymore and that I expected too much from her. If wanting basic communication and understanding from your best friend is too much, then I must be on the wrong planet. But there is a part of me that feels crazy too. Like am I really a bad person for wanting some recognition in this friendship too? For wanting my needs to be considered too? I don’t know if I am being gaslighted or not. I told her that I hated her, and I didn’t want to say it, but the words just left my lips without a thought. I was so hurt by her words, so I fired back, but regretted it immediately. She started to cry too. I didn’t want to hurt her, but a part of me was glad she was feeling how I had been feeling for months now. The truth is I don’t really hate her, I just hate the way she treats me. I probably should have said it that way instead, but I couldn’t help it. I am not sure what to do now. I don’t want to loose my best friend. Even if it has only been a few years, I truly feel like we are platonic soulmates at times. But then again, I feel like this friendship is obviously not as important to her as it is to me. If she cared as much as I did, she wouldn’t have put me in multiple situations where I would feel abandoned and under appreciated as such. I don’t know what to do, friendship break ups are so hard.
submitted by cloudybitch_2001 to AITAH [link] [comments]
2024.05.20 03:50 w3irdcreature Ankle injury caused by flat feet
So I have pretty bad feet, no arch, bunions, pronated ankles. I started experiencing pain that wasn't triggered by any specific injury about a week ago. I'm a super active person, I lift weights, I walk a lot. Im aware of all the issues I could experience because of the problems I have already. But i went to urgent care yesterday bc I have a stinging pain on the inner side of my right ankle. It's pretty mild pain as long as I'm not bearing weight, there's a mild stinging sensation. However, I can't walk for more than a few minutes without intense pain. I have full range of motion but It is tendestings when I press right in the ankle bone. I cant tell if it's swollen but when compared next to my other ankle the joint looks slightly enlarged. They took x rays and everything looked normal. I cant contact a specialist or physio until tomorrow as it's the weekend but I'm desperate for answers. The doctor at urgent care gave me this picture (attached) and said it seems like I may have ruptured the blue thing in the middle of the joint but I have no idea what any of this means. I'm so depressed, I've been stuck in my apartment for a week now I just want to know what's going on with my ankle. If anyone has ever experienced anything like this I would appreciate any advice.
submitted by w3irdcreature to flatfeet [link] [comments]