Hey i am a F(18)! I was prescribed 7.5mg once a day at start. I’m very sensitive to medications and i seen where some start with 2.5 mg just for a couple days then go up. I have never taken anything else for anxiety besides hydroxyzine, which just makes me fall asleep so therefore i can’t spiral. I don’t want to just sleep my days away tho. I’m always having brain fog, heart pounding, and tremors. I’m just really scared to try a 7.5mg to start because i know there’s lower doses out there. I don’t know i guess i’m just needing some positive responses to push myself to take it. Or give me ideas to start off at first. I’ve looked up every side effect which i shouldn’t have. so this is where i am. Just got back from the ER 2 days ago because i can’t eat, sleep, even make sure i keep myself hydrated. I’m tired of this loop i’m living in. It’s just ugh i have no hopes at all.

When Quicktalon finally woke up, his heart leaped to his throat as he noticed that the sun was beginning to set. A gruff voice chuckled to his alarm before he could act on his sudden panic, “Sit down, you crazy ostrich. You’re fine. Achira has been taken care of, the fire lit, and your dinner is near the fire to keep warm.” Quicktalon froze at the new voice, slowly turning towards the owner of this new visitor, but his eyes seemed to have been playing tricks on him. His brother Fleet was nearby and changing his sister’s bandages.
“Fleet?” he asked softly, his eyes still wide at seeing his battle-scarred brother. “H-how are you here?! The search party for the missing Drakes and Dragons left months ago!” he exclaimed, a grin growing as happy tears began to warm his eyes. It had been far too long since he had last seen his brother. “Well, we were on our way back from the most northern searches, and we found a few traces of what could have happened, but we need to send out another search party after we Rest and replenish our supplies. But I have heard the great news!” Fleet said as he hugged his brother, “ I’m so proud of you!” He exclaimed, pulling his brother into a hug, “I can’t believe you’ve grown so much from that little drake who never left our grandmother's side and always got into scrapes from running too fast.” He laughed softly.
Quicktalon chuckled at his brother’s lighthearted jesting, “ Grandmother always made healing fun and exciting, and I wanted to be able to follow in her talon steps and help those who helped us when we were little drakelings.” He said with a smile, “But now, I have a chance to truly save dragonkind from this dangerous threat, hopefully with getting this information out to the world and traveling to Scholar’s Whispering Peak, I can also get more information on what happened to our Grandmother and hopefully what had happened to our parents all those years ago.”
A smile ghosted Fleet's lips. He knew that something had happened to his grandmother; they had the signs and were Grandmother her. But the more his troop searched, and the more evidence was uncovered, the more serious this strange tail became. He hadn’t mentioned it yet to their pack leader. Still, Drakes across the savanna were going missing, some dragons and even the notoriously hidden Arctic dragons.
Dozens of Dragons of all kinds were going missing. The Sea Orcs were the only ones who witnessed this strange occurrence. They were too big for anything to happen to them, but the cause of the disappearing dragons needed to be uncovered and solved before the giant sea dragons began to disappear. But Fleet couldn’t ruin his brother’s excitement and joy over this. So, for now, he kept quiet and continued praising his brother for his magnificent discovery.
“I need to start getting ready. I’ve got a big trip ahead of me. I need to pack plenty of supplies and ensure I have enough to trade for a thick fur cover to protect me from the freezing temperatures at the summit of the Scholars Whispering Peak.” Quicktalon said, “I can’t wait to be able to spend more time with you and Achira as soon as she fully recovers from the effects of the viper.” He explained with a soft chuckle, “ but I will be back soon, hopefully before winter settles over the lands, which, with it being the middle of New Life, I should have time to make it to the coast and get assistance through the ocean and onto the nearest coastline on the other side.”
Fleet looked concerned at the plan his brother had just explained. " Are you sure that is safe? I’ve met traveling Sea Orcs and been told how long and perilous a journey across the sea can be for Drakes and Dragons of our size!” Fleet explained fear etched deep into his face as he couldn’t imagine his little brother in the middle of a raging and violent sea. “ It would be better to travel on land. You’d get there much safer and without the risk of your research getting ruined from the sea's moisture.”
Quicktalon took a moment to consider. Is a trip like that more manageable? Would it be safer to traverse land rather than sea? “Are there any maps I can get? Can you help me figure out a quick and safe journey from our home to the Scholars Whispering Peak? If the sea is too dangerous, I will need to figure out a different way to get to the scholars and hopefully get there before the snow season starts.” He said, “Do you know if the pack to our North sells maps of the continent and trade routes I could follow?” He asked while moving to a chest with chunks of gold and jewels he could trade for a map. He even wrote quick instructions for effectively healing and removing the venom from the bite of an Orid Viper. Fleet watched as his brother gathered enough items for trade; each pack had different trade requirements depending on the situation and status.
“Do you remember what they ask for trade?” Quicktalon asked as he set his collected gems and precious metals into a small side pouch strapped to his front right upper forearm. Fleet thought momentarily and tried to remember when his troop had last passed through the pack to the North. “ I believe they take both jewels and food, so we might want to stop and catch something for them to eat on our way over to the North Pack,” Fleet said as he sharpened his dull talons on a nearby rock, “ a water buffalo perhaps would be a good trade-off.” He said, “with the upcoming heat wave, they might appreciate more food for their youngins.”
“Then it's settled. Let's head to the North Pack and trade for a map for a trade route to Scholars Whispering Peak.” Quicktalon said, ensuring his research was set somewhere safe and out of the way of any potential spills or papyrus-eating worms. “Let’s go. The hottest part of the day is over for now, and the animals should be coming back from mid-day hibernation so we can snag a water buffalo on the way to them,” Quicktalon said while moving to give his sister healing wound a quick check-over. Once everything was in good shape, Quicktalon and Fleet left the medical hut. They began their journey to the North Pack and hopefully snagged a water buffalo on the way toward their destination.
Both brothers carefully left the medical hut and began looking around Earthquake to tell him where they were heading and their plan for QuickTalon to get to the Scholars Whispering peaks before winter hit. It wasn’t too hard to find the elder drake, as he was once again leading the younger drakes in battle practice for the potential war that seemed to be whispering on the horizon. “WATCH YOUR TALONS! FOR MOTHER DRAKE’S SAKE HEATSTROKE, DUCK! USE YOUR FIRE!” Earthquake shouted, drilling the almost grown drakes in new and much faster battle techniques. “Things must be getting worse if Earthquake is so worried about what’s been happening. It worries me.” Fleet murmured to QuickTalon, fear and worry evident on his face as he watched the young drakes practice their battle maneuvers as if they were currently fighting the actual enemy.
The mock battle went on for what felt like an eternity before Earthquake called for the young drakes to take a break and get a drink of water. “ Freshen up! Get a drink and take a moment to breathe! You must keep practicing if we ever need to go to war against this new and unknown enemy!” He commanded while walking over to see what QuickTalon and Fleet wanted to discuss. “ Welcome back, Fleet, and I’m happy to see that your search troop all came back with no casualties.” He said in greeting, “But what can I do for you both? I can see that there is something you both wish to tell me.” He said while peering down his snout at the younger of the group, “We plan to head to the northern pack and trade something of value for a trade route map to the Scholars Whispering Peaks. The initial route is dangerous, and the humid air could ruin my research.” QuickTalon explained, “With the scorching season rolling in, we thought bringing a water buffalo to trade for a map would be helpful.”
Earthquake seemed impressed by the current plan, “ while that is a good idea, the Northern Pack have been plagued recently by attacks from humans, or at least what seems to be left of that species; if you want to help, I’m sure food, water and medical attention will benefit them most.” He explained, “ but you both have my permission to go to the Northern Pack, just come back here, and I’ll help get you an assistant to stand in your place as a healer until your return.” Earthquake said, a smile gently ghosting across his snout, “now go on little ones, the sun is getting ready to set, and the water buffalo will be out to graze and drink at the nearby watering holes.” “Yes, sir, we will be back within three days,” QuickTalon said with a nod as he and his brother were dismissed and permitted to head off toward the Northern Pack.
With the dry dirt and plants crunching under their talons, QuickTalon turned and followed Fleet toward the Northern pack. “If humans are attacking them, what should we do if we see one?” QuickTalon asked after a long pause in the conversation, “Well,” Fleet started as if trying to recall a memory, “ my commander said that if you see a human, to kill on sight. While most humans are not dangerous to us as adults, they still threaten our young and elderly.” He explained, “Although I have yet to see a human, I have heard conflicting reports and statements about humans. Some are nice and have been seen helping others and the environment we live in, and some are on constant paths of destruction, burning, and taking like the worst of us dragons. Filled with greed and the never-ending satisfaction that they will never have enough stuff to put into their horde, they kill everything on their path to get what they want.”
QuickTalon’s eyes widened in both fascination and absolute horror at what he was hearing, and he had never realized that something so small and without fire or claws or just something to defend itself could be so destructive. “ But, is there a way to tell which ones are good and bad? Surely all of them can’t be rotten, can they?” He asked, jumping in fright when a breaking twig cracked nearby. “I’m sure there is, but for now, we’ve been told to just kill on sight.” He said softly, “ I know you want to help save the world, but you must remember, QuickTalon, that not everyone can or wants to be saved. You will need to know when to save yourself, and don’t let those who want to drown pull you under with them.” He said, eyes staring off into the distance, seeming to be looking at or hearing something out in the distance that only he could see. Quicktalon wasn’t sure how to respond to his brother’s worries. He was worried that his brother might know something more about this dangerous situation than he did, but he knew that he needed to keep his head clear and his eyes forward during this difficult time. “Brother, I know you are worried and want to find Grandmother, but spiraling off into the unknowns and the shadows will not help us find her. I believe in you and the others, but you need to take a breath and remind yourself where you are and your focus.” Quicktalon said, listening intensely to his surroundings while following his brother North. “ We will find Grandmother and the other missing Drakes, but for now, we need to rest our worried minds to start with a clean slate in the morning. If we let our brains become muddled, we could miss important details. So for now, let's just rest our heads and worry about finding a water buffalo and getting a map.”
Fleet sighed deeply, “You’re right, brother. Worrying about all the what-ifs has been muddling my mind. I’ve been so stressed over all of the potential possibilities I have lost the main focus of my mission. To bring the lost and the missing home.” He said, shaking his head ever so slightly as if trying to clear his head from the dark thoughts that had muddled his brain for many years. “ But I agree, let us get that water buffalo and trade for the map. Once we return and rest, my troop and I will follow you to the first trading post and head toward the North. Perhaps we might meet again on your journey.” Fleet hummed softly before snapping his gaze towards the direction of something he had heard. “Shh, I hear something!” He whispered while dropping into a low crouch and moving almost silently through the tall brush and grass toward the sound he had heard.
Quicktalon did the same and followed his brothers' movements. The grass hissed and crunched softly under their talons as they approached the top of a small hill. With careful movements, the brothers peered over the hill. The water buffalo migration had begun, and thousands of bison were resting around the large pond. “ The migration.” Quicktalon murmured, “Would it hurt if we managed to grab a few bison for the Northern pack?” He asked, “ I don’t know how many drakes are in the Northern Pack, but with the hot season approaching, maybe it would help to bring them a few bison to preserve before the migration leaves?” He asked if he knew they needed to preserve the circle of life, but he had no idea what the status of this other pack could be since it had been at least forty years since he had last seen the pack at the semi-annual Drake packs meet-up.
“Perhaps, although I don’t want to end up overwhelming the Northern pack with food. But I agree, with the scorching season approaching, packs will need as much food as possible.” Fleet murmured while slowly dropping into a hunter's crouch, “ I will go for the two deep in the water. You grab the one heading out.” He instructed, to which Quicktalon agreed. He adjusted his satchel and ensured his research was safe before waiting for his brother's signal. With a hiss, Fleet shot over the hill, running as fast as he found towards the two water buffalo in the water. Grunts, groans, and high-pitched bellows filled the air as the water buffalo panicked and ran away from the large drakes.
Thunderous hooves and cries filled the air as the buffalo pushed and shoved into each other while fighting to escape the predators. Quicktalon narrowed his eyes, planted all four talons to the ground, and lunged at the water buffalo. The bison bellowed in fear and swung its head, trying to gore Quicktalon with its horns, but with a sharp turn of his body, he narrowly managed to avoid the deadly horn and sink his teeth into the back of the buffalo’s neck. The buffalo’s wails increased before being silenced with a loud crack, its body falling limp in Quicktalon’s jaws and its head rolling loosely. Loud splashing drew the younger drakes' attention; the second water buffalo ganged up on his brother. With a roar of anger, Quicktalon dropped his fresh kill and thundered through the water toward the second buffalo. The second buffalo barely had time to react before Quicktalon threw himself on the bison’s back and began pulling on its horns to steer it away from his brother.
The bison bellowed angrily and bucked as hard as possible, trying to throw the younger drake off. But Quicktalon held on tight, and with an angry snarl, he gripped the horns tightly in his talons, and with a harsh twist and a loud snap, the bison’s neck was broken. The bison collapsed into the water with a splash. Quicktalon was breathing hard as he tried to catch his breath after such a stressful moment. Fleet growled as he finally managed to take down his water buffalo, “ Fleet, are you okay?” Quicktalon asked, moving through the water, the muddled water sloshing around his talons.
“ I—I’m okay, I just… need to catch my breath.” Fleet panted as he caught his breath. I don’t know why that was so difficult. It shouldn’t have been.” He panted while pushing himself up and moving to collect the two limp water bison. “Let’s get these to the North Pack. We are almost there.” He said while letting Quicktalon assist him with lifting the two freshly killed bison onto his back. “Alright, but as soon as you need to take a break, let me know,” Quicktalon said as he walked over to the water buffalo he killed and hoisted it onto his back.
Fleet nodded in agreement, and the two began the final leg of their trek toward the Northern pack. Crickets began to chirp and sing as the sun set, lighting the sky in a brilliant mixture of pinks, reds, and oranges. Quicktalon smiled, stared at the beautiful sky, and grew even more excited when the fireflies lit up and danced around the land. “ You’ve always enjoyed this time of year, haven’t you?” Fleet asked with a smile, “ I do. The beautiful sunsets, the lightning bugs, and the soft songs of crickets. It always brings me joy.” Quicktalon replied with a happy smile in return. “Whenever I am scared, I think of nights like this to help calm me down.” He explained with a soft chuckle, “Grandmother even painted me a painting of one of these nights. I still treasure that painting the most.” He said, reminiscing about when his grandmother gifted him the painting of his favorite sunset.
“We will find her, Quicktalon, I promise,” Fleet said as he gently shouldered his brother with a soft sigh. “ I know, Fleet, but I’m still worried. She vanished without a trace.” He said softly, shifting the weight of water buffalo on his back to accommodate for the extra weight. “ I believe you brother, but, I still cant’t believe that someone or something like this could have happened.” He murmured, “although I do hope that we can figure out what has happened and we can bring our grandmother home.” Quicktalon said as he tried to enjoy his favorite evening.
Fleet nodded, “ well, we are almost to the Northern Pack, hopefully they have something that can help.” He said, nodding his head towards the approaching lights in the distance, “ good, hopefully they can help.” Quicktalon sighed before a set of drakes in heavy armor thundered towards them, anger written on their faces. “HALT!” One of the guards roared. “W-whats going on?” Quicktalons asked, unsure of why the guards were so angry. “ Your grandmother and her pack of drakes destroyed our village!”

Help me understand please.
This is a humble request to explain in as much as detail as you possibly can, from a Christians’ perspective what does it mean if your ‘potential’ partner does not follow your beliefs. If you would like to cite quotes straight from the Bible or so, I will sure look those up too and would greatly appreciate it.
A bit of context, I met someone online through a common interest (i.e. not dating apps). We started a friendship which grew into an online relationship. There is a large distance between us, I live in Europe and she lives in South America. Due to the economic situation of both we haven’t been able to meet physically. We are 10 months into knowing each other and all of a sudden we are facing the topic of religion.
Without going into too much detail, she suffered bad experiences in her teenage years and found in Evangelism her path to God. She congregated often and found peace in the Bible and the group of people. Since then life has gotten in her way and she hasn’t been able to attend those meetings. She is in her early twenties. Despite this, her faith is very solid and plans to return at some stage of her life to this practice.
In my case, I was born in Hindu family, but mainly Catholic country (Europe), and in fact attended a Catholic school. I moved abroad for my studies. I don’t identify myself with any religion although i do have minor spiritual practices which are common. I do believe there are many ways to God. For me the best example of a believer is a good human being, one that represents a high moral standard, shows kindness and respect to others and himself, keeps a balanced schedule and works to improve oneself.
I never like to discuss religion with anyone as I truly believe it is a very personal topic, but in this case if we are planning on meeting and forming a family this topic needs to be discussed.
The issue we are facing is that according to her, Christians only believe that their path is the only one to Salvation. I personally have no issue in respecting Jesus, the Bible, the Church or the Christians. In fact, I would be more than happy to encourage her to attend her meetings and I stay home with the kids. I would be happy to attend, read, or even chant… but deep in my heart I don’t see myself being an Evangelist.
I cannot express how difficult it is for me to understand her in this regard that’s why i am seeking your help. The example i can put is: if someone asks me how to go from A to B, i would say you can take a plane, you can take a boat, you can take a car, a bus or a bicycle or a combination of these. For her, you can only go by plane.
Please advice?

At the very beginning of my Freshman year, my mother and grandpa passed away. [sorry for the dramatic cold open!] I was struggling a lot that first semester, and while I was getting through the classes, I wasn't doing great at them. Not as great as I know I could.
By second semester, I ended up transferring into online classes, where I basically gave up, and dropped all of them. After that, I applied to a tiny private College-Prep liberal arts school and that's where I'm at now. It's nice, they lean heavily into having everyone do focused college-like Humanities classes and Arts. The summer before I started attending, my father also passed away. I hadn't been living with him, my parents were divorced and he wasn't in a position to take me in, but that still sucked.
Now obviously, having an entire semester of Fs on my transcript is problematic. Another issue is the fact that the school I currently go to doesn't actually do GPAs. All our grades are basically written as narrative evaluations, and since very few schools do that, it's hard to find resources outside of the web of my own school. If a College were to request a GPA, our school would be able to provide one, but that's basically a matter of the Principal reading through my evaluations, and determining roughly what they would be roughly equivalent to if I was at the nearby public school.
All of my evaluations have been absolutely solid, I'm fairly certain I would have straight As. In addition, while attending I did take a virtual French II class over the summer, Japanese 101 and Biology 101 at nearby Colleges; I have an A in all of them. I'm sure if I requested a GPA for my regular classes, I would have mostly As. I have taken Calculus I [AB], but I'm awaiting my AP score. Calculus AB/BC are the only AP classes my school offers. For what it's worth, I got a 1350 on my PSAT 11.
My goal is to go into Math. I plan to take Calculus II/BC and Engineering next year, and also Linear Algebra in the fall off-campus [which I will likely be eligible for, just need my AP score]. When it comes to colleges, I really don't know what is reasonable for me to even shoot for.
I'm in a weird nebulous position where I was supposed to graduate next year, but failed so I'm behind a year, but also have enough credits to graduate next year anyways as a Junior, if I wanted to. I've thought about it, but I don't know if that's what I should do.
I have had conversations with my principal, and I think they recommend I take the extra year simply to offset the Fs from those online classes from before I transferred. My principal jokes that now is pretty much the only time in my life where it will be beneficial to be an orphan, and I think that's probably kinda true. I had to pick myself up and take initiative for a lot of the things I'm doing, and I have constantly excelled since moving schools. I have been living semi-independently, juggling between houses [I haven't lived with my legal guardians in ~2 years, but they're still present]
When my principal was in High School, he attended Telluride for the summer, and now has the opportunity to 'nominate' students for it, and he plans to do so for me in the Fall. I'm thinking of doing that, it sounds great.
This Spring I applied for PROMYS, and although I think I did well on the application, I unfortunately, got rejected. Of course, I knew that was a reach program so I didn't expect much, but now my summer's free! There's always next time.
I also thought about simply applying to a few absurd reach schools in my Junior year (Hail Mary), since technically I could be eligible, and if I end up getting rejected from them, then I would still be fine. I could just go ahead and do my Senior year, after having gained experience with the College admissions process.
I'm also somewhat aware of QuestBridge, and that could be a good option if I went that route this Fall; if I'm eligible for the match, apply for what looks good, and if I match, then free money! If not, then try again next year with a stronger background. From my understanding, finalists for that tend to be high-achieving students from low-income backgrounds. I'm certain I fall under that umbrella. Only one of my parents graduated High School and went to College, however, given that my mom's culinary degree probably hasn't impacted my life much in about 3 years, I've been told there may be room to argue I'm a "first gen" -- No idea if that's true.
All of this is to say, I don't really know what I should do. I hope I described my situation well enough for you to get a gist of my predicament, if anyone has advice, I would appreciate it. Although I feel like I'm in a very unique situation, I'm sure there's someone else who's been in a similarly-shaped boat on here.
In the meantime, I need some rest. I have to move out soon, I'll be taking French again online this summer, and I'll be starting two independent studies in Game Design and Novel Writing; I would like to get a job with my city's public library soon, because I've been an intern for my school's library this year and that seems like a nice transition. Probably try and take the SAT in August... also need to learn how to drive.... well, I have a busy summer.

Round 1 (BW Humans) 2-0
This was a pretty easy match. My opponent received a game loss in game 1 and I got a quick combo in game 2.
Round 2 (UW Control) 0-2
A historicaly terrible match up for amailia, I was not able to take a match off my opponent. My pieces sadly got exiled and I was unable to ever combo off.
Round 3 (Bant Poison) 2-1
This was a generaly positive match up. Game one I lost to a super fast poison draw. The next two games I was able to combo off and get the kill.
Round 4 (Dimir Control) 0-2
Sadly, this was yet another control deck with a lot of removal spells. I do feel that I could have played a bit better in this match but it would have been super hard to eke out a 2-1.
Round 5 (Izzet Peonix) 2-1
I liked this match. I was able to just beat down in game one without comboing. Game two I folded to an anger of the gods and ashiok, I also punted trying to activate fauna shaman into ashiok. Game three I held Amalia and wild growth walker, and waited for my opponent to do a big phoenix turn, when they were tapped down I was then able to combo off and win.
Sadly, this was a 15 player tournament so it was a cut top 4. I ended up finishing 5th losing to breakers.
Thanks for reading and enjoy your explore triggers!
Deck list: https://www.moxfield.com/decks/YP_vxmuN6kuDRrpwJBkFIg

Question is as raised in the title bar.
Why I am raising this question is this - in my many conversations and exchanges with Calvinists, they can be a pretty slippery lot in discussions.
And that's because I suspect there is a cognitive dissonance inherent within Calvinist/Reformed theology, which many of its adherents are not willing to recognise.
Cases in point of this slipperiness (and cognitive dissonance) -

1. In discussions on predestination and free-will, many Calvinists/Reformed folks will yo-yo between these positions as illustrated - "God actually does not predestine anyone for condemnation, but He actually does because He has no way, but it is human responsibility, but God is still the one who determines who gets condemned for eternity, but I am not a believer in double predestination, but God still does choose whom He wants to save and by virtue of that, if you are not chosen, He has chosen you for condemnation, because being chosen is the only way to be saved, but oh yes, double predestination is heresy."
2. Cessationism - "Oh, I don't believe that God still speaks actively through His Holy Spirit and heals today, but I have friends who have been healed through prayer, but I believe its wrong to teach that healing is normative for today, but it does not mean I believe the Holy Spirit is not at work healing people". I mean, if you believe that supernatural works of the Holy Spirit are not normative today, why do you often have to caveat something that "I know people who have experienced healings etc through prayer"? Funny thing is, many Reformed Cessationists, including hard core MacArthurists, always insert this caveat, if you get what I mean. Another case of this "cognitive dissonance" in discussing Reformed Cessationism with a Calvinist (inverted commas used as I am using the term "cognitive dissonance" for lack of a better term) can be seen in this exchange I had with "Cepitore" here (https://www.reddit.com/AskAChristian/comments/1cw1hy6/is\_there\_an\_inherent\_contradiction\_even\_cognitive/).

The above points 1) and 2) show the mishmash of contradictions that often emerge, w/o fail in conversations with them.
This makes it very difficult to sustain an effective convo with Calvinists to try to pin down theologically problematic areas or issues in Calvinist/Reformed doctrine. As such, how do you or have you successfully navigate this slipperiness?
Also, am I right to say that these "cognitive dissonances" happen is because deep down, most Calvinists (except for folks like John Piper who would preach double predestination with a smile on his face) know that if their theological positions are taken to its logical conclusion, it deeply imputes on the character of God in a manner that cannot be defended/sustained even using sound exegesis, or at the very least, there is still a witness of the Holy Spirit that is gently calling into qs their positions through prompts of the conscience?
Help me try to understand what goes on the thought process of Calvinists, when confronted with these issues, too. Thanks!

Let’s say, in a perfect world…? What would you like to see more of in the dating market? Certainly peculiar at the same point we’ve reached an all time population peak… we’ve some how managed to become… more… lonelier…?? I’m just gonna say rn for every religion each of our gods are probably sitting at the drawing board puzzled af wondering how that’s remotely plausible. Also, I would BET money, that wasn’t what they had in mind as they drew all this up… so I pose the questions.
‘Whats a practical unbiased opinion you have at seeing the world tackle on an epidemic of loneliness?’
‘How, in a world trying to obtain complete interconnectedness, where it’s possible to “think” we “are” the most connected to each other and our voices can be heard the MOST at this point in time.?
‘How, could you say we are failing so miserably(the root cause to this issue) if the amount of depression is soaring to new climbed heights?’
Why are we so alone while everything on paper, says just the opposite? Why is this the result after connected so many major lines of communication?
And in any of your minds that believe the fact we aren’t as connected as they say we should be? How exactly do you propose that we’ll ever allow it to becoming achievable, if at this rate, it’s still just the number one thing most ppl struggle with which is connecting with our neighbors??
This has been on my mind for quite some time now and I certainly do think there’s potential… for… an app… yes, an app. That could sweep all the other apps under the rug and completely catapult itself above all other competition. I don’t think all things we’ve created from the world being attached to our finger tips or to the hip, hasn’t only proven itself to be all bad and negative.
I do think there’s way too much activity on the internet and internet should be a major luxury to use. Not to be taken advantage of or mishandled the way it is being used in numerous instances today. That is unfortunately how our realities of today have been brought upon us.
Which I say sarcastically when I say that most of us adults can’t hardly wait to wake up in the morning.
It’s very safe to say, at the very least that world peace is obtainable or so we think to ourselves that it is obtainable in our mind. And even as far off from such a reality being even remotely achievable, I think it’s something humans have inherently wanted so badly to be true. It’s just obvious how much we allow ourselves to get in the way of something that certainly would win the Nobel prize and win every year after we achieved such a great accomplishment. To bad I won’t be alive to see the day smh If we know it’s accomplishable why aren’t we working harder on harnessing those beliefs better and proving to our ancestors that we can steer this rock better and we don’t need to live like every day is our last. We should all believe the opposite of that and encourage each motivating factor and bring us all peace of mind. I’m sure I sound like a broken record at this point, but damn aren’t we ready for some real change that’s reinforced positively and shows our abilities of growth and prosperity? That all we want in life, is to finally feel happy?

Description:

The user conjures a human-sized chamber that is connected to the user, the chamber will perform virtually any life-saving Surgery; however, the user must stay in a state of zetsu, as the chamber siphons their aura to function. - Anyone placed within the chamber will have themselves examined and eventually healed; however the machine cannot create body parts or organs so a donor with compatible blood type will be necessary. - Combat wise, the user can conjure various medical tools to fight with or launch at the target(scalpels, constricting gauze, syringes, etc.)

Vows & Limitations:

• The user cannot use their aura and must funnel it into the machine
• To replace organs or lost limbs a donor with compatible blood type is required.
• If a curse is sensed the machine will remove the affected organ or body part, viewing it as removing a cancerous growth; however the curse still affects that body part.(i.e. it would remove Chrollo's heart since that's where curse is, but he'd need a new one)
• The machine can only be summoned via request with a "client", where should they refuse to compensate the user they will lose organs equivalent to the cost(black market values applied)

(Sorry this is long. I haven't posted here before but really find it helpful reading other people's stories).
I had my first pregnancy/miscarriage back in March of this year. I didn't even know I was pregnant until it was already happening (I had an IUD for 2+ years and an ultrasound confirmed the IUD was perfectly in place....just crazy luck lol). Husband and I didn't want kids for a few years yet so I completely panicked when we found out, but only for a day before we were so excited. Obviously, my risk of miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy was super high so I got into the OB right away and it only took 3 days of testing my HCG to know that I was miscarrying. Our best guess (since I hadn't had a period in 2+ years) is that I was 6 weeks pregnant when I miscarried. We never were able to confirm if it was ectopic or not because they couldn't see a sac on my ultrasound (probably got seen too late), but I had blood testing every 2 days for WEEKS to make sure my HCG hit 0. I really struggle with feeling like my miscarriage "counts" because I wasn't planning/expecting/wanting a baby. I didn't know he/she existed until it was almost gone. I don't think they even had a heartbeat. We never confirmed it wasn't ectopic. Plus we only knew we were pregnant for 5 days before I had it confirmed that it was a miscarriage (we suspect I started miscarrying 5 days before my positive test).
The problem is I FEEL like a mom and my whole world shifted in the short 5 days that we knew they existed. We didn't want kids for at LEAST another few years, but now I want to start that journey so badly. I feel like a mom without a baby and the soonest we would be able to try again is October (gotta finish grad school first). We didn't tell many people outside of immediate family so nobody even knows the level of grief that is going on. I thought I handled it really well right after it happened, but ever since the day before Mother's day, I've been a crying/grief-stricken mess. I work at a daycare so I'm around kids/babies all day and it didn't bother me until this last week. Same with hearing other people's pregnancy/birth announcements. I handled seeing babies and hearing pregnancy announcements perfectly fine but today I couldn't even look at babies in church without fighting back tears. Has anybody had it hit them months afterward?
I'm considering getting a bracelet/necklace with a November birth flower and a heart honoring my miscarriage but also keep convincing myself that I'm overreacting and that my miscarriage doesn't "Count". And I'm not sure if a keepsake will draw extra attention (I've been asked so many times since March if I have any kids, if I am pregnant, or if I plan to have kids, and I don't really want to have any extra questions). I keep thinking about how far along I would've been and have a phantom "nesting" phase where I get obsessed with researching baby products like strollers and car seats. I'm about to start my period (only the second one since my cycle came back) and I'm pretty terrified of the emotions that come with it. This cycle was already weird enough knowing exactly when I was fertile and that I'm about to have proof that I'm not pregnant again. But it just feels like such a huge reaction/impact for such an early loss that wasn't planned and that we didn't know about until after it was too late.

Hi everyone, I am seeking career advice here. I am a fresh PhD in environmental microbiology, and my career goal is to be a scientist in big pharma/biotech companies. And hopefully, I can be in director-level later in my career! I have been applying for industry positions, but no luck yet. Now, I am starting to look at academic postdoc positions, for the purpose to learn more skills highly useful and valued in industry. The thing is, I am debating what area of field to do postdoc in.
Option A: kind of an extension of my PhD work but in a different lab where I can learn newer microbial genetic engineering techniques which would be valuable in biotech companies. - pros: the location is a biotech hub so would be easier to get an industry job after the postdoc. I can probably start look for an industry position within a year. - cons: I wouldn’t be learning a whole ton since the area is pretty similar to what I have been doing for the past +5 years.
Option B: a synthetic bio lab developing cancer therapeutics using engineered bacteria. - pros: I’m so fascinated by the area of studies and excited about learning new things. Being able to work with mammalian cells and mouse would open up more possible job opportunities in pharma and biotech. - cons: I would have to do a postdoc for at least 2-3 years, since I would have to learn lots of new techniques. The location is not a bio hub and is very, very expensive to live in. I plan on starting a family and having a kid within a year from now on. So this option definitely adds more uncertainty to my future. It’s on East Coast and I would like to move to CA in the future, so cost of moving will be extra too. Also, not sure if I’d actually like working with mammalian cells and mouse.
The big reason for leaning towards Option 2 is I think it would open up more job opportunities for me. Would it be true, realistically? Is 2-3 years of mammalian cell/mouse work enough to be hired in pharma as Sr. scientist? I want to be at Director-level in the future- would having the research experience of both bacterial and human cell would be increase that chance?
Thanks a lot!!

For several months, I have dedicated significant time and effort to this thread, prioritizing it above other aspects of my life. While some may perceive this level of engagement as unconventional, I am resolute in my commitment to assisting others in navigating this process, aiming to prevent them from encountering the pitfalls I experienced with my chosen interlock provider, Intoxalock.
My ordeal commenced with the installation of an Intoxalock device in my vehicle, which swiftly led to battery-related issues within the initial week. Possessing a background in vehicle maintenance and repair, I accurately attributed these troubles to the device, impacting my relatively new vehicle. Regrettably, the customer service experience exacerbated the situation, as the persistent issues caused by Intoxalock resulted in violations, mandated towing expenses, and lockout fees. Moreover, the pricing discrepancies starkly contrasted with the initial discussions during my provider selection process, with undisclosed fees proving exorbitant. Compelled to engage with an application and sign an agreement laden with onerous clauses, including relinquishing the right to legal recourse in case of exploitation or financial harm, further compounded the unfavorable circumstances.
It has come to my attention that Intoxalock maintains a presence on Reddit, disseminating misleading information in an attempt to discredit not only my narrative but also that of numerous individuals who have endured similar hardships with the company.
My dissent is not directed at interlock systems per se, but rather at Intoxalock for what I perceive as a deliberate design flaw in their device, creating an undue drain on the vehicle battery when the engine is inactive, resulting in battery depletion, subsequent towing, repairs, and incurred lockout charges. This cycle, in turn, serves as a pretext for prolonging the interlock sentence and facilitating further exploitation. Notably, Intoxalock has garnered the highest volume of complaints among interlock providers in the states where they operate, with a disproportionate share of grievances attributed to their services compared to other providers.
Allegations regarding Intoxalock's employment practices, including the recruitment of an individual linked to the Department of Defense, and suspicions of financial impropriety to influence state-level interlock supervisors, underscore a troubling pattern. Public records, including Freedom of Information Act requests, may shed light on these claims. The recruitment of a former Director of Product Management from LexisNexis, a prominent risk analysis firm utilized by insurance companies, further underscores the strategic acumen with which Intoxalock navigates its operations, potentially contributing to their sustained predatory behavior.
Notably, Intoxalock's decertification in Virginia and Missouri, alongside ongoing investigations in various states and multiple pending legal actions in federal district courts across the country, underscore the gravity of the situation. Consumer Safety Technology, operating under the trade name Intoxalock, is the subject of these legal actions.
The utilization of TrustPilot for reputation management, including the retention of an executive account to curate reviews, raises questions about the authenticity of the overwhelmingly positive feedback attributed to Intoxalock. The systematic removal of negative reviews and the orchestrated dissemination of positive feedback via social media channels further erode the credibility of their online presence.
While issues may arise with other interlock providers, the magnitude of challenges posed by Intoxalock surpasses that of its counterparts, warranting a call for accountability and reform. Failure to address these concerns may set a precedent for similar exploitative practices within the industry, necessitating proactive measures to safeguard consumers' rights and prevent widespread harm.
It is crucial to remain vigilant against misinformation propagated by Intoxalock's social media team across various platforms, including Reddit, and to advocate for transparency and accountability within the industry. My personal experience has fueled a steadfast commitment to raising awareness and advocating for change, driven by a desire to prevent others from enduring similar hardships.
In closing, I urge individuals undergoing this process or those who have traversed similar paths to persevere and glean valuable lessons from their experiences. Mistakes are inherent to human nature, but the ability to learn, evolve, and advocate for justice underscores our capacity for growth and resilience. A DUI should not serve as a pretext for dehumanization or exploitation, underscoring the importance of upholding ethical standards and fostering a culture of accountability. Wishing strength and fortitude to all individuals navigating these challenges—may we collectively strive for a safer, more equitable future. Drive responsibly, my friends.

“True happiness comes from the joy of deeds well done, the zest of creating things new.” Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Bio
Name: Taylor Bennett Armstrong	Date of Birth: 04/03/2024
Age: 15 years old	Gender: Demiboy
Sexual Orientation:	Nationality: Canadian
Ethnicity: Irish-Jewish	Languages: English, French, Japanese
Hometown: Toronto, Canada	Demigod Conundrums: ADHD

Family:

Name Relation Age Occupation Relationship ------------
Benjamin Armstrong Father 42 years old Artist Taylor shares a special bond with his father, Benjamin Armstrong. Despite being a single parent for much of Taylor's life, Benjamin always made sure to provide a loving and nurturing environment for his son. He recognized Taylor's unique talents from a young age and encouraged him to explore his creativity without limitations. Benjamin's own passion for art and innovation served as an inspiration for Taylor, shaping his worldview and igniting his love for invention. Benjamin supports Taylor's dreams and ambitions wholeheartedly, even if he doesn't always understand the mechanics behind his son's creations.
Eliza Armstrong Stepmother 43 years old Graphic Designer She brings a different perspective to Taylor's life. As a graphic designer, she values precision and order, which sometimes clashes with Taylor's more spontaneous and chaotic approach to creativity. However, despite their differences, Eliza cares deeply for Taylor and wants what's best for him. She worries about Taylor's safety and well-being, especially when his inventions go awry and cause unintended chaos. She often finds herself playing the role of the voice of reason, urging Taylor to think things through more carefully before diving headfirst into his next project. Despite their occasional disagreements, Eliza recognizes Taylor's potential and admires his boundless imagination and ingenuity.
Rachel Armstrong Half-sister 10 years old Student Rachel Armstrong, Taylor's half-sister, adores her older brother and looks up to him with wide-eyed admiration. From a young age, she was fascinated by Taylor's inventions and artistic talents, often trailing after him like a curious puppy, eager to learn and explore alongside him. Taylor sees Rachel as the most precious angel in the world and is very protective of her. He takes great joy in teaching her how to sketch, build, and code, fostering her own love for art and invention. Rachel, in turn, idolizes her big brother and cherishes their time together.

Appearance

Faceclaim: this Picrew Voiceclaim Walter from Spies in Disguise

Features	Description
Height	5’8 feet
Weight	157 lbs
Hair	Ginger
Eyes	Blue
Skin	Tan
Build	Lean, slim
Scent	Ink, paint, oil
Attire	Gamer Aesthetic

Overview: Ginger Hair: One of Taylor's most noticeable features is his vibrant ginger hair, which seems to have a life of its own. His locks cascade in untamed waves around his head, framing his face in a fiery halo. Despite occasional attempts to tame it, Taylor's hair always manages to retain its wild, rebellious spirit, reflecting his own untamed nature. Taylor's eyes are a mesmerizing shade of blue. They sparkle with curiosity and intelligence, constantly darting from one point of interest to the next. Across Taylor's nose and cheeks are scattered a constellation of freckles, like tiny stars dotting the canvas of his face. Despite his intelligence beyond his years, Taylor's face retains a youthful charm and innocence. His features are soft and rounded, with a hint of boyish mischief lurking behind his bright smile. There is a sense of wonder and curiosity in his expression, as if he is forever on the brink of discovering something new and exciting. Taylor's fashion sense is a reflection of his personality, blending comfort with a hint of geeky flair. He favors graphic t-shirts adorned with characters from his favorite video games, showcasing his love for gaming and pop culture. His hoodies are oversized and well-worn, providing both warmth and a sense of familiarity. Taylor's cargo pants are practical and utilitarian, offering plenty of pockets to store his tools and gadgets for tinkering. His sneakers are his constant companions, scuffed and worn from countless adventures and late-night gaming marathons.

Personality

“Creativity is a wild mind and a disciplined eye.” Dorothy Parker
Quality Traits Positive Optimistic, Creative, Kind-hearted, Spontaneous, Resilient Neutral Naive, Chaotic, Impulsive, Eccentric, Idealistic Negative Gullible, Overbearing, Impatient, Inattentive, Stubborn
Overview: Taylor radiates an infectious positivity that lights up any room he enters. He greets each day with boundless enthusiasm, seeing every challenge as an opportunity for adventure and growth. His optimism is unwavering, even in the face of adversity, and he has a knack for finding the silver lining in the darkest of situations. Taylor's sunny disposition makes him a joy to be around, and his genuine smile can brighten even the gloomiest of days. Taylor marches to the beat of his own drum, embracing his individuality with gusto. He has never been one to conform to societal norms or expectations, preferring to chart his own course through life. Taylor's free-spirited nature is reflected in everything he does, from his spontaneous inventions to his unconventional approach to problem-solving. He thrives on the freedom to express himself creatively, unbound by rules or conventions. Taylor's energy is boundless, and he approaches everything he does with an infectious sense of excitement and wonder. He is easily captivated by new ideas and experiences, often bouncing from one project to the next with the fervor of a child in a candy store. Taylor's excitable nature fuels his insatiable curiosity, driving him to constantly seek out new challenges and adventures. Despite his youthful exuberance, Taylor possesses a keen intellect far beyond his years. He is a natural problem-solver, able to think outside the box and come up with innovative solutions to even the most daunting of challenges. Taylor's mind is a whirlwind of ideas and possibilities, constantly buzzing with new inventions and artistic endeavors. His creativity knows no bounds, and he revels in the thrill of bringing his imagination to life. Taylor's intelligence and creativity have instilled in him a healthy dose of confidence, bordering on cockiness at times. He knows his worth and isn't afraid to show it, often speaking his mind with a brashness that can catch others off guard. However, Taylor's confidence is tempered by his humility and genuine humility. He is quick to acknowledge his mistakes and learn from them, never allowing his ego to overshadow his humanity. At the core of Taylor's personality is a deep well of kindness and empathy for others. He genuinely cares about the people around him and goes out of his way to help those in need. Taylor's compassion knows no bounds, and he often puts the needs of others before his own. He is quick to offer a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on, and his unwavering support has endeared him to many. Beneath Taylor's cheerful exterior lies a vulnerability that he often tries to conceal. He is sensitive to the opinions of others and fears being rejected or misunderstood. Taylor's insecurities stem from a desire to be accepted and valued for who he truly is, flaws and all. Despite his outward confidence, he struggles with feelings of loneliness and self-doubt, yearning for genuine connections and validation. Taylor's drive for excellence can sometimes border on perfectionism, leading him to be overly critical of himself and his work. He sets high standards for himself and is often disappointed when he falls short of his own expectations. However, Taylor's perfectionism is tempered by his resilience and determination to persevere in the face of failure. He sees each setback as an opportunity to learn and grow, refusing to let obstacles dampen his spirit. Taylor has a gift for communication, able to express his thoughts and feelings with clarity and sincerity. He is a natural storyteller, captivating audiences with his animated anecdotes and infectious enthusiasm. Taylor's ability to connect with others on a deep emotional level makes him a trusted confidant and valued friend. He listens intently to others, offering words of encouragement and wisdom when needed. Taylor approaches life with a sense of adventure, always eager to explore new horizons and push the boundaries of what is possible. He thrives on the thrill of discovery, relishing in the excitement of unknown possibilities. Taylor's insatiable curiosity drives him to seek out new experiences and embrace the unknown with open arms. Whether embarking on a daring quest or simply trying out a new recipe, he approaches each adventure with the same sense of wonder and excitement. Taylor has a playful sense of humor that often borders on mischievousness. He loves to joke and laugh, finding joy in the absurdities of life. Taylor's playful nature brings levity to even the most serious of situations, helping to ease tension and lift spirits. He delights in pulling harmless pranks and sharing witty banter with friends, always with a twinkle in his eye and a grin on his face. Taylor is incredibly adaptable, able to thrive in any environment or situation. He approaches change with a sense of curiosity and excitement, eager to embrace new challenges and opportunities. Taylor's ability to adapt to different circumstances has served him well throughout his life, allowing him to navigate the complexities of both the mortal world and the realm of the gods with ease.
Preferences
Favourite... Item Food Macaroni and cheese, mango milkshake Colour Electric Blue Season Summer Weather Sunny, warm, clear skies Music Pop, rock, orchestral, jazz, celtic Animals Bunnies and Cats Book/Movie Genre Fantasy, Sci-fi, Romance, Slice-of-life, Adventure, Action Media Avatar: The Last Airbender, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Chronicles of Narnia, Kingdom Hearts, Legend of Zelda, Genshin Impact, Honkai Impact 3rd, Honkai: Star Rail, Pokémon, a scary amount of anime, etc…
Hobbies:

• Drawing
• Painting
• Crafting
• Sewing
• Video Games
• Cosplay

Demigod Info

Powers

Name	Type	Description
Psychometry	Domain	The ability to glean information from a particular object relevant to the parent's domain, especially its material make-up and method of creation. (Crafts, Mechanics and Art)
Enhanced Skill Proficiency	Domain	A trait where one is naturally adept in the skills lorded over by their parent. (Crafts, Mechanics and Art)
Summon Tool	Domain	The ability to summon any small tool. (Once every 5 minutes or per turn.) (Duct Tape or Superglue)
Machine Communication	Minor	A trait where one is able to understand and communicate with automatons and machinery (includes code).
Electrical Resistance	Minor	A trait where one is able to resist electricity to a such degree that they are able to withstand badly interacting with small appliances.
Machine Manipulation (Technokinesis)	Minor	The ability to directly control mechanisms, machines and automatons.
Basic Enchantment	Major	The ability to imbue weapons, crafts, machinery and automatons with magical properties (modmail for specific enchantments). Options: Weapon Transformation—into a mundane item; Monster Hunting Proficiency for a) Fleshy Monsters—Sharpness, b) Armored Monsters—Bludgeoning, c) Ghosty Monsters—Absorption

Weapon of Choice: Bastard Sword
Fatal Flaw: Naivety Taylor's fatal flaw lies in his inherent naivety, stemming from his trusting and optimistic nature. Despite his intelligence and creativity, Taylor often lacks the worldly wisdom and discernment needed to navigate the complexities of the world around him. His naivety makes him vulnerable to manipulation and deception, as he struggles to see the darker intentions lurking behind the smiles of others.

Items and Equipment

Name	Age	Description
Sketchbook	7 years old	Taylor always carries a sketchbook with him, filled with doodles, sketches, and designs inspired by his vivid imagination.
Art Supplies	3 years old	As someone who enjoys art, Taylor keeps a collection of art supplies like pencils, markers, and colored pencils, allowing him to bring his creative visions to life wherever he goes.
Tool Kit	5 years old	As a budding inventor and tinkerer, Taylor carries a compact tool kit with him at all times. It contains essential tools like screwdrivers, pliers, wrenches, and a mini soldering iron, allowing him to repair gadgets, fix mechanical issues, and work on DIY projects on the fly.
Nintendo Switch	2 years old	Taylor never leaves home without Nintendo Switch. He keeps a selection of his favorite games in his backpack, ready to play whenever he has a spare moment to indulge in his love of gaming.
Music Player	3 years old	Music is a constant source of inspiration and motivation for Taylor, so he always carries a portable music player loaded with his favorite tunes.
Cat Headphones	1 year old	High-quality headphones that allow him to escape into his own world of music whenever he needs a break from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. They are cat-themed for no reason other than Taylor felt like it.

Trivia

• Zodiac Sign: Pisces
• MBTI: ESTP-T (The Entrepreneur)
• Enneagram: Type 7 (The Enthusiast)
• Love Languages: Words of Affirmation (receive); Acts of service (give)
• Quirk: Doodling on almost every surface he sees when bored.
• Fears: Hurting People, Big Animals

Backstory

“There is no innovation and creativity without failure.” ***Brené Brown*
Taylor Bennett Armstrong was born into a creatively vibrant family. His father, Benjamin Armstrong, was a dedicated artist who often spent hours in his studio, painting and sculpting. Benjamin's work was deeply inspired by classical art, and his studio was filled with references to mythological themes and ancient techniques. This environment planted the seeds of creativity in Taylor from a very young age.
Taylor’s biological mother was Techne, the goddess of art, craft, and invention, but he had no knowledge of her divine heritage. His mother left shortly after his birth, leaving Benjamin to raise Taylor on his own. Despite the absence of his mother, Taylor's early childhood was filled with love and encouragement from his father.
When Taylor was five, Benjamin met Eliza, a talented graphic designer, at an art exhibit. They quickly bonded over their shared love for art and soon married. Eliza embraced Taylor as her own, though she struggled to understand his unique, often chaotic way of thinking and creating.
Even as a young child, Taylor showed remarkable intelligence and creativity. By the age of six, he was building simple machines and drawing intricate designs. His father was both amazed and slightly concerned when Taylor began to take apart household appliances to understand how they worked. While Benjamin encouraged his son's curiosity, Eliza worried about the constant mess and occasional accidents that resulted from Taylor's experiments.
Taylor’s half-sister, Rachel, was born when he was five. She looked up to her big brother with admiration, often following him around and watching as he created his various inventions. Despite the occasional mishap, Taylor and Rachel shared a close bond, with Taylor frequently making small toys and gadgets to entertain her.
School was both a blessing and a curse for Taylor. His intelligence allowed him to excel academically, but his unique way of thinking and his constant tinkering often got him into trouble. Teachers labeled him a "problem child" due to his inability to sit still and follow conventional methods. Taylor's inventions occasionally caused disruptions, further cementing his reputation.
Socially, Taylor found it hard to connect with his peers. His enthusiasm and intelligence often intimidated other children, and he was frequently taken advantage of by classmates who used him to boost their own grades. These experiences left Taylor feeling lonely and self-conscious about his naivety, although he never let it dampen his cheerful spirit.
Taylor's life took a dramatic turn when he was 15 years old. One day, while working on a particularly ambitious project in his makeshift workshop, he was visited by Oleander, a satyr sent by Camp Half-Blood. Oleander had been observing Taylor for some time, noting his extraordinary abilities and his connection to the divine.
Oleander revealed to Taylor the truth about his mother, Techne, and his demigod heritage. At first, Taylor was skeptical, thinking it was some sort of elaborate joke or fantasy. However, Oleander's ability to demonstrate his satyr powers and his deep knowledge of Taylor's unexplained talents eventually convinced him.
Explaining the situation to his family was a challenge. Benjamin, who had always suspected that there was something special about Taylor, took the news in stride. Eliza, though worried and confused, ultimately supported the decision, understanding that Camp Half-Blood could provide Taylor with the guidance he needed. Rachel was both excited and scared for her brother, worried about the dangers he might face and she would miss him.
Thankfully, despite the huge distance he and Oleander had to travel from Toronto to Long Island went calmly, for the most part, with not many delays or monsters attacking them.
Well, at least until they reached New York. After that, the whole “calm journey” was out the window. It almost seemed like all the monsters decided to wait until they were close to their destination to suddenly appear one after the other. First they had to somehow avoid a cyclops. Then they were attacked by dracanaea. And finally, they were chased by harpies until they crossed the border of Camp Half-Blood.
By some miracle, they were still alive.
What a way to be introduced to demigod life.

Present Day

“Creativity is inventing, experimenting, growing, taking risks, breaking rules, making mistakes, and having fun” Mary Lou Cook
Taylor's arrival at Campbell Half-Blood was… something, alright.
You know, being chased by monsters from New York to Long Island, passing out in between attacks and then waking up in the Medic Cabin feeling like you've been hit by a truck and maimed by a cat at the same time was, in short, not fun. It also didn't help the fact that he had to stay in bed to get treated for what, hours. Which, for someone like Taylor, was absolute torture. Good for him then that demigods, apparently, had magic healing and he didn't have to stay for days instead. At least Oleander was around to explain every detail about the world he's been thrust into now that he was out of danger. And as a plus, he was also claimed, so yay! He had no clue who Techne was, but he was sure he would learn soon enough.
So, what does Taylor do after getting patched up? Does he wait and rest for a bit just to make sure everything is okay with him? Does he stop for a moment to process everything that has happened to him in the last 24 hours?
No! Of course not! This is Taylor, after all. Him staying put for more than 10 minutes would be a miracle already.
Instead, he just went off on his own to see what this Camp Half-Blood was all about. He just had to get to his cabin first, which would be relatively easy with Oleander's instructions, and then he could explore this place to his heart's content!
Hopefully, Camp Half-Blood would be ready for the chaotic force Taylor would prove to be.
[OOC: Hello, everyone! Say hello to my new character, Taylor! Feel free to interact with him literally anywhere at Camp, he's probably going to be there at some point anyway lmao. Thanks for reading;)]

Day 82.
Hey I made it!
I was watching a video from Chariatan Wonder today. And Instead of a sponsored segment of his stream, he asked "what pleasant think happened to you today that was nice." It doesn't have to be anything big. It can be something insignificant, like you got the toaster setting just right on the toaster today for your toast. Or you went to the store and there wasn't a big line.
With everything going, and what we choose to keep Track of, it can cause us to lose track of the little wins and pleasantries in life. Especially if you are following such a dark topic as what is happening at Anycolor. All that negativity can and will slowly eat away at you. So please, take some time, roughly just a minute, to focus on something positive that occurred, or that you are experiencing.
Please be mindful of your emotions and your mental health when traversing all this information present on this sub, and when posting. Kurosanji is a place to have open discussion about Anycolor. This does naturally mean that critique will occur in such a place, and those with a much more negative tone. It's truely important to remember that each talent is a human person behind them. This human person makes mistakes, and hopefully grows from the mistakes.
It's okay to be frustrated, and hurt. But again, if you find you are making a post because of hatred, and not because of care for the talents, and want to see them for better, take a break. And come back and help us with the fight for the talents when you have come back!
Do what you can. But never resort to harassing anyone. Not NDF, not nijisister, and especially not the talents. Do not ask them to quit or when their graduation will be . If you can only just spread the word thay Anycolor caused 2 talents to be hospitalized for an attempt on their own lives., and Anycolors incompetence caused 2 talents severe finacna issues with their locat government, despite being a international hiring company for years at that point.
But pointing this out does not mean we hate Anycolor. Or the talents. If there is a chance that a message will be sent out from Anycolor, detailing where they have fallen short for their talents, and made actual movements to provide a better environment to ensure they are safe, that would be the best thing for Anycolor. I am just skeptical at the possibility because of how much would need to change for this change to even be possible.
I do not want to see anymore hurt people

Can anyone explain why the answer is D?

Can anyone explain why the answer is D?

TW for sexual, physical, medical, emotional, and religious abuse, childhood sa, suicidal ideation, and self harm
This past week has been incredibly difficult so I decided it would be good for me to write a letter to my mom to keep for myself during my healing process to get everything out and it's been very cathartic (all fake names used). Part of my healing journey has been sharing my (extremely personal) experience with others who understand, hence why I'm sharing this here, and maybe it'll give someone some strength knowing that I made it out. I hope everyone is kind to themselves this week and was able to treat this holiday as a holiday for themselves for surviving their abusive moms!
Dear mom, Happy belated Mother’s Day. My Mother’s Day was spent being upset and anxious so I decided to write this letter. This letter is so incredibly difficult to write and even more difficult to read back to myself. Moving away from my university and back home during COVID was genuinely one of the most difficult things I have done in my life simply because of all of the repressed memories that flooded back into my brain every single day I was in that house. I used to resent the pandemic for forcing me to live in an environment that made me want to harm myself every single day and die every other day, but I am now thankful for the clarity that it brought me as I don’t think I’d have the foresight that I have now.
There is a lot that I want to say. I am angry, bitter, resentful, and traumatized from things that you have done to me as a child and also as an adult. Growing up, you’re never able to fully recognize what is healthy because whatever you experience will be your barometer for normalcy. I thought for a very long time that thing were normal but thank God I now know just how truly fucked up so many of my childhood experiences were. Not a single day goes by where I don’t think about the emotional, physical, and sexual abuse that I went through. I am haunted every single day by things that you did (and some things that you didn’t do) and hope that one day I will be able to heal from what I experienced.
I grew up being close to my cousin Chloe (a year younger than me) who was obviously very bitchy, mean, and abusive. This fact isn’t something you weren’t aware of as I know a fully grown adult would be able to see how she treated and talked to me when around you and come to the obvious conclusion that I should not have been allowed to be around her. She bullied me, called me names, physically assaulted me by pushing me, pulling my hair, and sitting on me with my hands held behind my back until I couldn’t breathe, forced me to bathe in scolding hot bath water that would burn my skin, making me undress and make fun of parts of my body, and forced me to watch things that she knew would scare me. This is the same time that I started having insomnia and struggled in school due to anxiety. It’s also the same time I remember my sound sensitivity starting. Do you remember my childhood friend’s mom Amelia and how protective she was over my friend, Diana? Diana met Chloe at my 9th birthday party and Diana went over to her house for a playdate and Chloe did something to her. She physically reached over and groped Diana on the privates. I knew Amelia IMMEDIATELY prevented her daughter from ever being around Chloe again. I also knew that it's possible she mentioned this to my aunt, but I'm not positive. I know that Amelia is the type of mom to prevent Diana from reading Harry Potter because she thought it was a bad influence on her due to being “demonic”, so I wouldn’t be surprised if she made you aware of what Chloe did to Diana as she knew that I spent a lot of time around her. I doubt that what Chloe did to Diana was ever kept a secret from you. Chloe also forced me to do sexual things I didn’t want to do from roughly the ages of 8-11. One time, we were in her kitchen and she pulled out a knife and said that she was going to stab me. By then, I knew she just wanted to scare me so when I had no reaction, she put the knife away. I was terrified of what would happen if I said no to her so I went along with whatever she wanted. She would go into the bathroom and tell me to follow, would lock the door, and make me take off my clothes and let her do things to me and forced me to do the same things to her. I used to think that you had NO IDEA about this until I remember you saying the words- “you were an amazing kid and never had any problems until you got a little older. I always wondered if something happened.” Who the fuck says that to their kid? Yeah, something did happen and it wouldn’t have happened if you protected me!!!! You fucking idiot!!!! I remember being in our new house and taking a shower with you when I was about 8 (which was VERY inappropriate and should NEVER have happened at all) and saying something that clearly made you uncomfortable. I remember the exact face you made and know that any normal, healthy adult would have done something about it and made sure nothing was happening. They would have made sure I was SAFE, and talked to me about safety, but nothing was said or done. You have failed me many times, but this one is the most painful. Not only will you need to live with the fact that you knew about my abuse and did nothing, but I will have to live with the fact that my mom knew "something happened” and didn’t care about me enough to protect me. I look at my beautiful niece Hallie, and imagine not protecting her like that and want to vomit. I cannot fathom how a mother would have the thought “I wonder if something happened to my daughter to case a massive behavioral change” and NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT! You didn’t talk to me, never asked me if Chloe was doing anything, or anything at all. If I even had a minor suspicion that something was happening to Hallie, I would IMMEDIATELY do something about it because THAT IS MY JOB as an adult in her life. You failed me and deserve to know that this traumatized me and gave me PTSD. I am NOT autistic, no matter how much you WANT me to be so you can go around and gain sympathy for “having an autistic daughter” rather than owning up to the fact that you caused what “went wrong” with me.
Not only did you not help prevent me from being molested by my cousin, you also added to my sexual trauma by forcing me to use the giant egg monistat insert to treat a yeast infection when I was 11. I was ELEVEN and you had a bright idea to force a HUGE foreign object into my prepubescent body even though you were fully aware I could have easily gotten a prescription for a pill to swallow from a doctor. I was scared. I had so much pain and itching and needed a mother to hug me, tell me it’s going to be okay, or at the very least, EXPLAIN what I had and how we were going to fix it. You didn’t do any of that. You told me to lay down and proceeded to try and administer medication that is NOT meant for children 12 and under due to the physical damage it could cause. I was clearly in pain and scared, but you kept trying anyways. At any point, you could have stopped and taken me to the fucking doctor, but nope. You then got frustrated that “you couldn’t get it in” and told your 11 year old daughter to shove it inside herself. Then you left the room. I hadn’t even had a period yet, let alone know where my vagina was but you sure felt the need to yet again abandon your parental responsibilities and place them onto your kid! Miraculously, I put it in and wobbled out to lay on the couch because I was in physical pain from BOTH the infection and YOU, but because a child’s body isn’t able to properly fully insert the medication used (which once again I’ll remind you is meant for girls 13 and up), it came out and got on the couch because you didn’t give me a pad. And rather than prioritize your own daughter’s health, safety, wellbeing, and comfort, you were more upset about the stain on the couch and yelled at me. I will never forget in all of the years that I am alive how ashamed and disgusted I felt standing behind you watching you furiously scrub at the stain that I caused (actually, that YOU caused since this never should have happened in the first place!) and feeling a huge flood of guilt every time I saw that couch stain. One of the best days of my life was when we got a new couch and I never had to see that stain again.
All of this caused me to develop anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts and ideation, self harming behaviors, having out of body experiences where I dissociate, and panic attacks amongst other things. YOU caused ALL of this and you fought tooth and nail to convince me that it was MY fault for being broken. “There’s something going on with you,” and you made it your mission to never take any responsibility for any of the trauma that you caused. Not only did you ignore all signs of abuse and sexually assault me yourself, you bullied and helped a family friend Sharon bully me when I was “being mean” to (her daughter) Faith. I was treated like I was a mentally ill monster who couldn’t be trusted and always got in trouble whenever Faith shed a single tear because I was “mean to her”. Faith cried at LEAST 15x a day, and I was blamed every time she decided to say I was the reason. You allowed a monster (Sharon) to ABUSE me and had the incredibly wise idea to start passing along what shit talking you two would say about me TO ME, a 13 year old girl. I was THIRTEEN. I was A CHILD. And yet, you came crying and complaining to me about how tired you were of hearing Sharon say I was being mean to her daughter when you could have TOLD THE OTHER ADULT IN THE SITUATION TO STOP. It never was my responsibility as a child to try and make another adult stop abusing me by “behaving better.” There was nothing wrong with how I was behaving. You never once tried to help me, you always blamed anybody and everybody else for your failures. I would come and ask you for help when I was struggling and if you didn’t care, you would pawn it off to somebody else- “go talk to your older sister” “talk to your therapist about that” “I don’t know what to say except to tell you to pray about it” and when I came back saying praying didn’t magically fix my depression, you told me to pray harder. I guess you really thought it was a skill issue rather than a diagnosable health condition! No wonder I wanted to die! Hahaha! I’ll never forget the look of disgust on your face when I was sobbing hysterically and struggling to get out the words when I told you just how badly I was affected by Sharon and said how you played a role in helping her harm and abuse me. “WELL. I’m SORRY if you think I didn’t protect you enough. I know what that feels like because my parent’s took my sister’s side a few weeks ago when we were having an argument” (as FULLY GROWN 50+ YEAR OLDS arguing and bitching LIKE CHILDREN!) No, mom, it’s not the same. I was a child and not only did you not stop an abuser from harming me, you joined in. You allowed her access to me and you passed along what horrible things she said was wrong with me. “SHARON said she thinks YOU’RE BIPOLAR. Do you think you are?” “Sharon told me that you’re having AN EPISODE and are being mean to Faith! Show me your phone!” “Well, I just don’t understand why you keep bringing this up when it happened so long ago. I just hope you can forgive her and move on.” You’re fucking disgusting. Should I go into detail about how many times I asked you to not interact with Sharon more than you needed to and you proceeded to try and force her into my life more? You KNEW how uncomfortable I was with you attending Faith’s wedding and yet, you cared more about how you looked and not only attended, but hosted both her wedding and wedding showers. I have always wondered why you never cared how I feel until I realized that you prioritize yourself and how you look to other people above anything and everyone. There is a clear pattern of behavior-

• When I was 17 and you were painting my fingernails and berating me for wanting to visit my friend up in Boston to see a concert together because “you just didn’t understand why I’d want to do that” and I started crying. You rolled your eyes and said “you better leave now if you don’t want my next client to see you crying because her appointment is in a few minutes.” You cared more about having your random client seeing me cry and potentially thinking you’re a bad mom than comforting me.
• When I was 13 and we were saying our nightly prayer the night that I had my “therapy appointment” (aka, you and my “therapist” chastising me for writing in my diary that I was having suicidal thoughts), when you were praying you said “Dear God, please help (my name)… and… pLEASE HELP ME!!!!” Clearly, YOU were affected more than I was even though I was the one wanting to die because of you. Wow. Your life is so hard!
• Telling everyone around you that I “have problems” and am “really struggling” so you can gain an ounce of sympathy. The way that your friends come up and talk to me is baffling. They treat me like I just got home from the psychiatric hospital.
• Laughing about me with my friends in high school when I was out of the room- “hahaha my daughter is sooooo weird hahaha”
• When I was 18 and you called my “therapist” (who did NOT get my consent before doing this and violated her ethical guidelines) after I moved out and stopped talking to you, you got her to help you write a list of “rules” to force me to stay in contact with you. They consisted of requiring me to “talk to you, dad, or my sister at least 1x/day” so you “knew that I was safe” aka, you wanted to control me even though I was an adult and not living in your house. I was perfectly safe, and yet you made me sound like I was doing drug deals in the morning, prostituting myself after lunch, and had plans to commit felonies later that night. I went to school, ate, and went back to my apartment. You had no right manipulating me into talking to you by using my therapist, dad, and sister against me. Pathetic.
• Telling me to go do my runs on a strange man’s property instead of the road because it’s “safer.” Dad said that this man who I’VE NEVER MET told him that “there are bad people out there who will kidnap her and do horrible things to her, SO INSTEAD she should run on MY property!” Not sketchy or rapey at all, right? And completely dismissing me when I said that made me uncomfortable by saying “my dad knows him”? Lady, do you know any rape statistics? Clearly not, because you’d then know that only 7% of assaults are strangers while 93% are family members or acquaintances. NINETY THREE PERCENT. The amount of times that I’ve mentioned someone made me uncomfortable or had a massive affect on me as a child and you’ve replied with “Oh, well did they touch you?” People don’t have to touch me to traumatize me. You’re pathetic for thinking that.

I’m not mad at Chloe. I don’t feel any anger or ill will towards her at all. She was a child just like I was a child. She was failed more than I was failed. No child acts that way and assaults other children without learning that from somewhere. I blame her parents for what happened to her. I blame YOU for what happened to me. I vividly remember things that my aunt would say the same time this was happening about little girls and their bodies and I want to smash my head against the wall. Children are to be protected above anything and everything else, by you didn’t. Do I hate Faith and think that she’s a bad person because of what happened when we were 13? No. I fully blame you and Sharon. The amount of adults that have failed me in my life keep me up at night. I think about how different my life would be had dad been more involved and seen what was going on and taken me away from you. I am angry with him for that. I dream one day I will be able to sit down with him and tell him everything I have written about and he will hug me, support me, cry with me, and apologize for not being there more to protect me. But who knows, he might defend his child abusing, mentally ill wife and say I’m making up everything. Who knows.
Do you want to know what my sister said when I told her all of this? She apologized to me for not being 15 years older than I am so she could have raised me instead. I want you to sit here and think about how fucked up that is. My own sister wishes she could have taken me away from you so you couldn’t have abused me. I imagine the pressure she must have felt having to grow up while also raising her mother and sister and I sob for her. I’ve sobbed for me for the mental anguish and torture I experienced at your hands. I’ve even sobbed for you because I can’t imagine being even a fraction of how fucked up you are to resort to abusing and neglecting your child- a child you begged to have. A child you had trouble having and prayed for. Embarrassing.
I’m never going to have a relationship with you again. If God is willing, I will never have to interact with you ever again. Saying that phrase “if God is willing” is ironic because you forcing me to pray my problems away rather than helping me led me to not believe in him. How can I believe in something that also neglected me? I’d sit in my dark bedroom night after night praying and sobbing for him to help me. I didn’t know what was happening to me, but I felt broken and alone. I now know that I was a child praying for God to take away my PTSD, and that is not possible. My heart breaks for that child.
You’re a pathetic excuse for a mother and human being. I’m truly shocked that I survived you and your abuse. I’m surprised that I didn’t ever try to kill myself to try and get away from you because you’re a vulture that prays on innocent people. The only important people in your life are people you think will give you something or will make you look good. That’s why you refused to ever cut ties with Sharon, you knew she was sexually abused as a child and you couldn’t POSSIBLY NOT be her friend because you need her to be your “friend,” or rather, your token sexually abused as a child friend. I genuinely hope that you get better and become a normal healthy person but I won’t ever be around to see it. I hope you feel even a fraction of the pain and abandonment that I have felt my entire life. Happy Mother’s Day, but today isn’t Mother’s Day for me, it’s Daughter’s Day. Moving far away from you one month ago has truly saved my life. Instead of trying to survive, I am enjoying my life. I would have died in that house. I get to finally celebrate being away from you and celebrate myself for staying strong and fighting when I could have easily given up. You once told me “you feel like I HATE you!” to guilt me into fawning over you and telling you how much I loved you, but now you get the opposite. I DO hate you and hate how you have permanently changed me and I wish to never see you again. Instead of praying for the “God forsaken, atheist, lost, evil, liar, miserable, spiteful, hateful, disgusting, mentally ill, “autistic” daughter, pray for yourself. Pray for God’s forgiveness for emotionally, medically, physically, sexually, and religiously abusing and neglecting me. You deserve to remain in your "clueless" state of "having NO IDEA what you did wrong to make her stop talking to me!" for the rest of your life.Happy Daughter’s Day.

I'm posting this to a few bpd communities to try to reach more people with different perspectives. If you're active in other communities and have seen this post recently I apologize!
I'm a good person. I know that. I love people with my whole heart. But my behaviors (or at least motivation behind behaviors) have not always shown that, even if they were disguised as "good". Something that has helped me A LOT lately is thinking "am I doing this act to help someone, or to make myself look good." The statement varies slightly according to the situation of course, but honestly it has helped stop many attention seeking behaviors. This has helped me modify and adjust how I react to situations.
For example, I daydream every night before bed about me or characters from a show being either a victim or a hero. One or the other (thanks black and white thinking). Basically I write fanfiction in my head. It usually contains dark subjects like SA, abuse, death, etc. When I first started giving myself time to daydream before bed I noticed a decrease in attention seeking behaviors in real life, however as the years went on I started to convince myself that those things I was purposely dreaming of were ok to do irl if given the possibility. Anyway what caused this revelation is that my favorite resident at a SNF I work for is in the hospital with an unclear fate. In my daydream time about a week ago I imagined different scenarios and played through them. Doing this led to me really thinking about why I do things. One of the scenarios I had to run through of course was "what happens if the resident passes." So I imagined myself at her funeral and her family member asked if anyone else wanted to speak. So I did. But as I was dreaming about what I would say "...when you see someone everyday for two and a half years you get to love them. She watched me grow up and gave me some of the best advice one could ask for..." I realized I was thinking about the family feeling sorry for me. I saw her daughter looking at me thinking "oh that poor person loved my mom so much, they must be hurting a lot." This made me snap open my eyes and look at the ceiling. I realized i was imagining my favorite resident's funeral (i usually try to picture future scenarios in my daydreaming time to prepare because it soothes anxiety, i don't plan to stop fully but at least be more conscious of my actions to those scenarios in my dreams) and picturing her FAMILY, feeling sorry for ME.
Ever since I had that dream about a week ago it has completely changed my perspective of how I go about things and I hope I keep this in mind. Humans are inherently selfish. Every action we do have some form of self satisfaction to it. Even something as simple as tying your shoe laces so you don’t fall, is motivated by a level of selfishness. That is normal. However, I want to make sure I do things for the right reasons even if the outcome of the deed wouldn't change. If I volunteer l to help someone with a task is it because there are other people in the room watching me and I want to look good? Is it because I want this person to like me and think I'm a good person? Or, is it because humans deserve help and kindness and if I have the (mental, physical, financial) capacity to do so I WANT to help someone just to make their lives easier.
Like I stated earlier, it is very human to have to think of yourself in others shoes to be empathetic in most situations, I mean that's what the golden rule is (for example, I don't want to see people in pain because I know what pain feels like, therefore I do my best to prevent and reduce pain in others)! But in my experience people with bpd tend to have a little extra motivation: how we are perceived to others as "good" to prevent abandonment, or for validation/attention seeking that we feel we deserve and honestly sometimes NEED. As basic as it sounds I'm trying to be more aware of my motivation behind my actions. Who new it would take 7 years of CBT and 1 year of DBT to get to this point. I feel kind of silly honestly.
I am a self aware person, however that often made my attention seeking behaviors worse. This made my behaviors worse because I would rationalize them as "well I'm communicating to people what my needs are, therefore if they don't react appropriately they are at fault. If I'm genuinely suicidal and I let my friends know then they should shower me with love and concern. Even if I've been genuinely suicidal over many 'little' things that they now think it's a boy who cried wolf situation. I've identified my feelings (which really are real, just because they seem dramatic doesn't mean im not feeling them, so me it's so intense and real, to them it's purely for attention) and communicated so I must be doing things right." Now I realize that crying to my coworkers while they are trying to work is not acceptable because they are acquaintances and we are at work. Another thing that has caused me to have trouble identifying what is or isn't okay is understanding that just because I would drop everything to comfort a random coworkeacquaintance at work does not mean everyone else is comfortable, has the emotional capacity, feels safe, or feels motivated, to do the same. In my mind everyone takes the golden rule (treat others the way you want to be treated) so literally. It's why I'm seen as clingy and can't often tell the difference between romantic, platonic, acquaintance relationships. Because I dont care if we met a week ago if I like you and you seem to like my you're my friend in my mind and I got your back.
So yeah I just wanted to share/rant lol. Do you guys, gals, and nonbinary pals have any recommendations for how to deal with needing to be listened to or almost "coddled" sometimes? For me it was the daydreaming that I use for my anxiety but I'm not sure if that's the healthiest for me anymore. It definitely helped for a long time, but I think some change would do me some good. Let me know your techniques and coping skills you use when you find yourself in a similar position!

I’d like to start off saying that I’m not looking for critique unless you’ve read the full story, not just the TLDR. This situation is far more complicated and has been years in the making. If you want a rundown, I’ve put a TLDR at the bottom. I truly just need a space for me to type out my story and possibly maybe hear similar stories if anyone can relate. This is an extremely long post, and there’s a chance I ramble, so just as a warning
I’ll give some background before I say my case: I (22F) have been suspicious of my dad (50M) for the better part of my life. I have diagnosed anxiety and for the most part, I’ve thought my ideas and skepticisms on the matter as just intrusive thoughts. My dad and I have l always had a weird relationship. It doesn’t change how much I love him though. Even as I sit here today, I can’t in good conscience say I hate my dad. I love my dad. Even in his bad moments and questionable behaviors, hes my dad and usually my biggest of supporters. I think because of his bipolar nature it makes this situation so hard.
My mom and dad have been married for 25 years. Like I said before, they have four kids, both come from strict Catholic families, and share the same group of friends. On the outside, everyone can tell my dad loves my mom. He worships the ground she walks on, splurges on expensive gifts for her and is pretty openly affectionate. My mom, however, has never been vocal on her affections, inside and out of the house. Honestly, I can see how this affects my dad. Over the years, they’ve gotten shorter with each other, dad lashes out a bit more (something I’d say to remember as you keep reading), and will disappear into the night after a harsh argument.
I’d say this is where I start to get weird feelings on him. We all have a joint Life360. All of us, including our parents, can see where we are at all times. I’m fine with this, given at the time of this starting I was 20 and in college and I understand why a parent would want their kids locations. When checking the app, I started to notice my dad’s location being off at weird intervals of the night. If you have Life360, you’d know that it will tell you someone’s location has been turned off. Naturally, I’d ask my dad and he’d laugh it off saying his app was screwed up and he wasn’t sure why it was doing that and then 20 minutes later his location would be back on. Whatever, fine. The locations would only turn off around 11 P.M. on random evenings, usually when he was in town. He’d still throw the excuse that it was because he was just flying and airplane mode screws up Life360 (which isn’t true btw).
Anyways, I guess the meat of this story starts December of 2022. Dad’s anger is at weird levels. He’s arguing with my mom more and turning off his location. Me, being stupid, accused him of acting weird a few days before Christmas. Naturally he gets defensive and starts to say things like I’d never cheat on your mom, how could you accuse me of things like that, my phone is just wired. I’d argue back that I never accused him of cheating, just that he’s weird. That didn’t help my case. This is where his true character started to show. Threats of I’d cut you off from college (they pay for my schooling, car and phone), yelling at me for not showing respect for him, how he’s done so much for the family. After this argument I’d see him deleting no name contacts off of his phone after a conversation. I brought this up to my mom, and she tells me it’s probably work so I drop it. If my mom’s not worried why should I be.
After Christmas, we fly north to visit family since we’re the only ones down south. During our trip, he’d take my grandparents car (with their permission, these are my moms parents) to run errands for the Christmas parties that will be happening over the next couple of days. Once again, every time he’d go out his location would turn off. The tipping point for me was when he said he was going to fill up my grandparents car with gas. They live 5 minutes from a gas station. We had a reservation in an hour with his dad that we cannot be late to. My dad knew this. He was gone for an hour. Location off. He’s not contacting anyone, including my mom, on where he is. When he gets back, 5 minutes after when we were supposed to leave, he tells us all that there was an accident at the gas station and they needed him for a witness support. I shoot him down asking why his location was off and why he didn’t tell anyone this in front of my siblings, mom, and grandparents. They all laugh like it’s a joke but once I look at him he’s fuming. He tells me to get in the car so we can get to dinner.
Once we all pile in for dinner he screams at me, once again repeating the things he said before Christmas and how dare I accuse him of anything in front of his in-laws. When we finally parked the car and started to walk into the restaurant, he screams at me in the parking lot. My cousins and grandfather are standing outside watching him berate me in public. I’m 20 years old and he’s treating me like I’m 5. He told me he was going to stop paying for school and my rent this upcoming school year to teach me a lesson. I have never seen my father like this before, and true to his word, I paid for the first two months of my Spring 2023 school year. After some convincing from my mom, my dad texts me in March to not worry about the rent. I think after this is where I truly realize what’s at stake and what more I could lose if I try something like this again, and I never once verbally said he was cheating to anyone. Besides I had no proof.
In between this period, my mom and I have a huge heart to heart. I confess to her that her relationship with my dad is not something I view healthy, and I’m fearful that my marriage one day will look like theirs. I tell her I think she’s treated unfairly behind closed doors and she needs to step up for herself. She agrees but once I bring up divorce, she laughs and says she’d never in a million years consider that. She’d never get a divorce, and she kept reinforcing that. My parents are super Catholic, so I’m not surprised by this statement, but I feel like this paragraph is important to note.
Jump forward it May 2023. I’m off for the summer, in a limbo between end of the school year and starting my internship, so I’m back home. One evening my parents and I are watching a show in the living room. How we are all positioned makes it that my dad is in front of us. During a commercial break while my mom is getting water, my dad takes out his phone and starts texting, however it’s not on iMessage. It’s on Grindr. The only reason I know it was Grindr is because I have a few gay friends at school and I’ve seen some of their messages before. Honest to god, I’m shocked and paralyzed in my seat. What I’ve been suspicious about for the past half of the year is true. Just not in the sense I thought he was. Excusing myself to my room I go to recollect myself and reach out to two of my closer friends about the situation.
Over the next few months when I visit home, I start to document any instance I see him on the app or turning off his location. I have multiple videos of him texting people on Grindr. I’ve started to hint to my mom that something isn’t right and made out loud comments how weird dads been. Since last May, I’ve told my younger sister (F19) about my dad and showed her some evidence. She refuses to acknowledge the behavior and does not want to do anything about it. We’ll joke about it sometimes behind closed doors but when I bring it up to her today about telling my mom or talking to my dad, she gets fearful and thinks it’s stupid to do.
Which leads us to today. I am a fresh graduate from college. I’ve moved back home and am looking for work. And I know I’m being extremely selfish to everyone in my family for withholding this information. After countless talks with my therapist, she thinks it’s wise to not tell my dad or mom what’s happening, at least currently. Since I have been actually cut off from my dad and my mom has expressed that she doesn’t want a divorce and can’t really be bothered to look into the situation more, my therapist and a few of my friends agree to wait until I’m financially independent and moved out of the house. I think about telling my parents everyday what I know. But then I think of me, and my three younger siblings (the youngest is 13) who are still living at home, and the fact my mom is financially dependent on my dad. And I think the worst part and it makes me feel awful for even typing this, but it feels a bit easier to cope with this because my dad is exclusively talking to men. He’s not cheating on my mom with other women. My sister and I over the holidays looked to see if he had any of the other dating apps and we found nothing.
Honestly, a lot of you all might have read all of this and may still think I should tell my parents asap. Or question why I’m still waiting. I think I’m scared. I think I don’t want things to change. I don’t want to be blamed at or remembered as the daughter who ruined the **** family. I know it’s my dads fault and it’s not on me, but I’m scared I’ll truly lose my dad if I bring this to light. I’m scared my moms life will be flipped upside down forever. I’m scared my younger siblings will resent me for ruining our family and their cushy life will be lost.
I just needed somewhere to write this all down. I needed to get this off of my chest while I sit in my childhood bedroom. I’ve never felt more trapped and guilty in my life. It’s easier to forget that this is happening while I was at school, but now that I’m home, it’s harder to ignore. If anyone has any similar stories I’d love to hear them. There’s a lot more I’m leaving out so if there are questions I’ll try and answer them.
TLDR: was suspicious of my dad for cheating back in 2022 based on some behaviors and was cut off for two months when I asked what was up. Now I know he’s gay and is cheating on my mom and has been for maybe years. Mom doesn’t seem to worry/care about his behavior and Dad is still creeping around. Now that I’m back home the guilt of not saying a word to either of them is building up but I’m scared I’ll lose my family.

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Mike marveled at the beauty of the inner city. He was familiar with Kael architecture and had even seen some up close at the university, but it was far grander here than on Earth, and it was far grander in person than in the videos and pictures he'd seen. The buildings were a hybrid of Gothic and expressionist architecture built with classical aesthetics.
Mosaics, statues, and murals were everywhere, but despite the grand buildings and beautiful decorations, Mike couldn’t keep his eyes off the ground. Even the streets are beautiful.
The ground he and Dreki walked was like a freshly cooled lava flow paved by slates of colored glass that softly glowed in the dimming light of the evening sun.
As they walked, Mike was woken from his trance by the scent of meat cooking.
Dreki smiled and said, “Smells good. You hungry?”
Mike nodded.
Dreki grinned and led Mike around the corner to a food cart. Mike salivated as the flames licked and sputtered at fat dripping from hunks of what looked like octopus turning on spits. The aroma of meat and spices was intoxicating. Dreki ordered them octopus skewers. As he handed Mike his skewer, Dreki said, “You’re never going to be able to eat earth octopus again.”
Mike chuckled. “I’ve never had it in the first place; I grew up in the mountains thousands of miles from the ocean.”
Dreki looked incredulous. “Did you not have rivers?”
Mike shrugged his shoulders, “Not with octopi.”
Dreki raised his free hand in exasperation. “Whatever. Either way, you’ll be disappointed by the rubbery trash humans call an octopus after eating this.”
Mike took a bite of the meat and groaned in pleasure. It tasted like a beefier version of bacon. Mike wolfed down his skewer in the blink of an eye and exclaimed, “That was fucking good!”
Dreki gave him a “Mhhhmh” with his still mouth full.
Dreki finished his food and led Mike off the main road onto a footpath flanked by wispy trees with dark blue leaves.
Eventually, the pair entered the back garden of a building that looked like a melted cathedral. Dreki led him through an open gate into a well-lit waiting room and held out his arm. “Hand me your bag; I’ll take it to your room. I’ll come get you after.”
Mike slipped his bag from his shoulders and handed it to Dreki. As the herculean Kael was leaving, he turned and said, “Try not to scream when they brand you; it’s an ill omen.”
Mike drummed his fingers on the armrests of the chair in the sea foam green waiting room, which was decorated with pictures of duels and exotic plants in white and blue ceramic pots. He was pretty sure that more than one of the photographs was of Dreki’s father.
Mike was anxious. Getting branded would suck, and getting an AR implant would involve someone sticking a drill through his skull. And without his gargantuan minder, Mike felt almost naked. He knew that he would probably be fine, but this was the home of the enemy. Without any weapons, he stood little chance against any Kael worth their salt in a fight.
Mike chided himself for the thought. Why does everything have to revolve around violence? Is there no world where you can just get along with them?
Mike frowned. No. I hate them. Despite his barely contained rage, Mike felt nauseous as blood-soaked memories bombarded his mind.
He doubted that he could kill again, even if it meant dying.
Dreki’s not so bad; maybe out here, more of them are like him than Ocidea.
Mike’s melancholy was interrupted when the tall door at the far end of the room opened. A short, for a Kaelman, nurse wearing pea green scrubs walked out, locked eyes with him, and shouted, “Mike Anderson!”
Mike followed the short Kael nurse into a cream-colored operating room. In the center an instrument table hovered next to an operating table. Besides the operating table stood a middle-aged Kael with tusks intricately inlaid with silver in triangular patterns. His white lab coat had Chief Surgeon Athocill emblazoned over the right breast pocket.
The Chief Surgeon stared off into space, engrossed in AR. The nurse who brought him in pointed to the operating table. Mike sat down.
A slender Kaelwoman in scrubs and a lab coat identifying her as the assistant surgeon walked in and started arranging the tools.
She glanced at Mike and said, “Take off your shirt.”
Mike pulled the black T-shirt he was wearing over his head and set it on the table next to him.
Without looking away from his work, the Chief Surgeon tossed Mike a leather strap and said, “Brand him.”
The short nurse pulled a heat stamp from its case and rolled the numbers to their correct positions. Mike put the leather strap in his mouth and grabbed onto the table.
Dreki’s warning rang through his head*.*
The Nurse carefully placed the print plate just below Mike’s collarbone and pushed it down. The heat stamp's coils flashed white. Mike bit down on the leather strap as hard as he could, and his knuckles popped as he gripped the edges of the operating table as hard as he could. Tendrils of smoke billowed off Mike’s chest as his flesh was seared, and the acrid smell of burnt hair and torched flesh wafted through the room.
Mike stifled a groan as the nurse peeled the superheated steel off his chest. The Nurse set the smoking stamp back in its case to cool and picked up a small jar of viscous blue fluid and a brush. The nurse opened the jar, dipped the brush in the blue goop, and painted it over Mike’s still-smoking burn. Mike jolted at the freezing touch of the brush. His ribs and abdomen rose and fell rapidly as he took short, shallow breaths as the freezing cold shocked his nervous system.
The nurse put the brush away and closed the jar. “Done”
Mike let the leather strap drop from his mouth and put on a straight face as he externally disguised the pain. Showing weakness was not an option, even if every fiber of his being commanded him to scream.
The assistant took hold of Mike’s arm and spoke. “Make a fist and squeeze.”
Mike did as she asked. It was a good distraction from the pain. His knuckles turned white, and the veins in his forearm bulged after a few seconds of pressure.
“You’ll feel a tiny pinch.”
The assistant jabbed the needle into the crook of his arm.
Mike’s head immediately felt heavy, and his whole body tingled. He tried to stay upright, to no avail. His vision grayed out as his head plopped onto the table with a thud.
The surgeon looked to his assistant and asked, “Is he out?”
“Yes.” She answered.
“Let us begin.”
The assistant used a small metal tool to pull Mike's right eyelid open. The chief surgeon plunged a gold needle into the depths of Mike’s right eye.
The surgeon carefully pulled the needle from the human’s eye and set the syringe back down on the floating instrument table.
“Targeting chip in place. Next stage.”
The nurse began rummaging around a drawer in the back of the room, and the chief surgeon plucked a gleaming silver drill from the instrument table.
The drill in the surgeon's hand whirred as he plunged it into Mike’s skull. After just a few seconds, the drill bored through Mike's skull. The surgeon pulled the drill out of the human's head and angled the bit down into a small metal dish that was in the extended arms of the assistant. The chief surgeon hit a button on the drill with his thumb.
A bloody, dime-sized piece of Mike’s skull dropped to the bottom of the metal dish with a clang.
He set the drill back down on the instrument table and held out his hand. “Drone.”
The nurse put an insect-like metal contraption that resembled a whip scorpion in the surgeon’s hand. The chief surgeon's eyes glazed as he entered his AR and took control of the drone. It popped out of his hand and burrowed itself into the hole in Mike's skull.
Inside his AR, he brought the drone to the occipital lobe of Mike’s brain.
“Deploying lattice.”
The arachnid-like drone injected small metal spikes with spools of minuscule wire attached—anchor points—into Mike’s brain. After just a minute's work, the surgeon had crafted a web of wires across Mike's brain. He brought the drone back to the center of Mike’s brain and planted one final anchor spike. A reel inside one of the claw-like appendages at the front of the drone spun, cinching the lattice of wires down to the last anchor point. The surgeon brought the drone around again, ensuring that the web of copper was completely taught against the human’s brain. He brought the drone back out and smiled ever so slightly as the blood and cerebrospinal fluid-soaked drone hopped back into his gloved hand.
Chief Surgeon Athocill smiled and jovially said, “Patch him up.” He was pleased with his performance today. This was the first human to get an advanced AR package, and the procedure went flawlessly. The assistant grabbed a quarter-sized piece of flesh-colored putty and carefully placed the small piece of skull onto it. She placed the putty over the hole in Mike’s head, and it took to life, bonding the fragment of bone back into place and sealing the surface wound.
The surgeon removed his gloves and began typing on a holoprojection. “All systems are operational. I’m linking him to the military network now.”
The assistant pulled the instrument table to her side and plucked a syringe filled with neon green fluid. She said, “I’m waking him up now,” as she plunged the needle into Mike’s arm.
Mike’s eyes flew open, and he grit his teeth against the pain. Tears seeped from his stinging and blood-filling right eye. Every heartbeat brought a jolt of crippling pain to his head. And worst of all was the searing pain from the brand on his chest and the aching cold that barely disguised it. Mike sat up with a grunt. Pain shot through his chest when he brought his hand to his head and felt the hardened disc of putty on his temple.
The surgeon addressed Mike with a soothing tone. “On the count of three, I’m going to activate your AR. It will feel like your head is on fire for a few seconds, but it will only last a few seconds. One… Two… Three!”
Mike nearly collapsed with the pain, but he managed to limit his response to a grunt. Light flashed before his eyes, and Kaelic text appeared in the center of his vision. The doctor asked, “What do you see.”
Mike answered, “AR active. And below that, it says setup wizard.” Despite his best efforts, pain was evident in his voice.
“Ok, Mike, I want you to think, ‘open setup wizard.’”
Mike blinked a few times. “Nothing happened.”
The surgeon said, “Think it in Kaelic.”
Mike’s brow furrowed in concentration. He was fluent in Kaelic, but not to the point where he could think in the language at will.
“Ok, I got it. It says setting menu at the top, and there are a ton of things here. Do you want me to read them off?”
“No. Can you scroll down?”
“Yes.”
“Good. You should be able to get the hang of this pretty quickly; it's very intuitive. You’ll see that there are a few HUD profiles that you can pick from. I’d recommend you start from profile two and then customize it as you see fit.”
Mike nodded as he selected profile two.
“OK, now think clear.”
Mike did as the surgeon asked. His vision was now cleared.
The surgeon smiled. “Feel free to fiddle with the settings, just think clear if it gets cluttered, and reset if you make a dog’s breakfast of it. You’ll have a headache for the next few days, and you may start having more vivid dreams, but other than that, you’ll barely notice the change. Just take it easy for the next few days, and don’t itch at your brand or your eye.”

I'm posting this to a few bpd communities to try to reach more people with different perspectives. If you're active in other communities and have seen this post recently I apologize!
I'm a good person. I know that. I love people with my whole heart. But my behaviors (or at least motivation behind behaviors) have not always shown that, even if they were disguised as "good". Something that has helped me A LOT lately is thinking "am I doing this act to help someone, or to make myself look good." The statement varies slightly according to the situation of course, but honestly it has helped stop many attention seeking behaviors. This has helped me modify and adjust how I react to situations.
For example, I daydream every night before bed about me or characters from a show being either a victim or a hero. One or the other (thanks black and white thinking). Basically I write fanfiction in my head. It usually contains dark subjects like SA, abuse, death, etc. When I first started giving myself time to daydream before bed I noticed a decrease in attention seeking behaviors in real life, however as the years went on I started to convince myself that those things I was purposely dreaming of were ok to do irl if given the possibility. Anyway what caused this revelation is that my favorite resident at a SNF I work for is in the hospital with an unclear fate. In my daydream time about a week ago I imagined different scenarios and played through them. Doing this led to me really thinking about why I do things. One of the scenarios I had to run through of course was "what happens if the resident passes." So I imagined myself at her funeral and her family member asked if anyone else wanted to speak. So I did. But as I was dreaming about what I would say "...when you see someone everyday for two and a half years you get to love them. She watched me grow up and gave me some of the best advice one could ask for..." I realized I was thinking about the family feeling sorry for me. I saw her daughter looking at me thinking "oh that poor person loved my mom so much, they must be hurting a lot." This made me snap open my eyes and look at the ceiling. I realized i was imagining my favorite resident's funeral (i usually try to picture future scenarios in my daydreaming time to prepare because it soothes anxiety, i don't plan to stop fully but at least be more conscious of my actions to those scenarios in my dreams) and picturing her FAMILY, feeling sorry for ME.
Ever since I had that dream about a week ago it has completely changed my perspective of how I go about things and I hope I keep this in mind. Humans are inherently selfish. Every action we do have some form of self satisfaction to it. Even something as simple as tying your shoe laces so you don’t fall, is motivated by a level of selfishness. That is normal. However, I want to make sure I do things for the right reasons even if the outcome of the deed wouldn't change. If I volunteer l to help someone with a task is it because there are other people in the room watching me and I want to look good? Is it because I want this person to like me and think I'm a good person? Or, is it because humans deserve help and kindness and if I have the (mental, physical, financial) capacity to do so I WANT to help someone just to make their lives easier.
Like I stated earlier, it is very human to have to think of yourself in others shoes to be empathetic in most situations, I mean that's what the golden rule is (for example, I don't want to see people in pain because I know what pain feels like, therefore I do my best to prevent and reduce pain in others)! But in my experience people with bpd tend to have a little extra motivation: how we are perceived to others as "good" to prevent abandonment, or for validation/attention seeking that we feel we deserve and honestly sometimes NEED. As basic as it sounds I'm trying to be more aware of my motivation behind my actions. Who new it would take 7 years of CBT and 1 year of DBT to get to this point. I feel kind of silly honestly.
I am a self aware person, however that often made my attention seeking behaviors worse. This made my behaviors worse because I would rationalize them as "well I'm communicating to people what my needs are, therefore if they don't react appropriately they are at fault. If I'm genuinely suicidal and I let my friends know then they should shower me with love and concern. Even if I've been genuinely suicidal over many 'little' things that they now think it's a boy who cried wolf situation. I've identified my feelings (which really are real, just because they seem dramatic doesn't mean im not feeling them, so me it's so intense and real, to them it's purely for attention) and communicated so I must be doing things right." Now I realize that crying to my coworkers while they are trying to work is not acceptable because they are acquaintances and we are at work. Another thing that has caused me to have trouble identifying what is or isn't okay is understanding that just because I would drop everything to comfort a random coworkeacquaintance at work does not mean everyone else is comfortable, has the emotional capacity, feels safe, or feels motivated, to do the same. In my mind everyone takes the golden rule (treat others the way you want to be treated) so literally. It's why I'm seen as clingy and can't often tell the difference between romantic, platonic, acquaintance relationships. Because I dont care if we met a week ago if I like you and you seem to like my you're my friend in my mind and I got your back.
So yeah I just wanted to share/rant lol. Do you guys, gals, and nonbinary pals have any recommendations for how to deal with needing to be listened to or almost "coddled" sometimes? For me it was the daydreaming that I use for my anxiety but I'm not sure if that's the healthiest for me anymore. It definitely helped for a long time, but I think some change would do me some good. Let me know your techniques and coping skills you use when you find yourself in a similar position!

I understand that this is what we were taught in our traditional families, that was "the ultimate fulfillment of the human being" and although many people today hate the idea of marriage and they don't want to have children (which is a valid position that I myself support), for people who still have this dream, do you think that today it can be achieved in a healthy way and with emotional responsibility?