We talked for quite a long time last night, close to four hours. I miss when we talk for so long like that, it used to be like that most nights and that was also after a day of texting incessantly. I feel like three hours was a short chat back then. I don’t mind at all how it is now, I think what it’s like now is more sustainable long term and things, just as long as I still get to have him for several hours at a time sometimes. Anyway we talked a lot, we started off talking about my mood and medication and things. Actually I think I’ll write in bullet points because it’s easier.

• He suggested the a fact I should consider a psychiatrist more seriously, that seeing both GP and Psychologist who are so separate might be good but a psychiatrist would be more beneficial because it’s all in one and they’re far more knowledgable with far more experience. I do agree, if it weren’t for the cost of it I would have requested an appointment a long time ago. I think I need to suck it up though and do it. I don’t want to see one regularly, ie the way I do my weekly therapy sessions, but I think a handful of sessions/going to them for my medication would be beneficial. I have an appointment with my GP next week. I don’t want to say I might see a psychiatrist, I feel like it’s rude? But then if I had some form of physical issue I would see a specialist I guess. Idk. I don’t even know how to describe what’s wrong with me though. I mean I do.. and I don’t.
• I mentioned to him how even when I’m happy I still feel not good inside and he described it in a way better way. I think it was like ‘normal’ people sit around say 90-95% as their standard having a good day and then the 5-10% is the lower parts of their day. Whereas for example for me my besssstttttt day might only be 70% so even when I feel happy I still have 30% not good. Now I’m not sure I’m remembering it right. I don’t think I am. Ffs. I’ll have to ask if he can re-explain it to me because I really liked it. But basically my number is lower and I’m working to make it higher.
• We had agreements and disagreements around… idk how to word it. Basically appearance, what makes someone attractive and not attractive anymore, what actually matters when being into someone etc etc. I agreed with most of his points, I know he’s being honest, but I still just feel like he isn’t aware of his subconscious… things. And I don’t like it. For example he says he doesn’t like that sort of instagram-face thing where everyone looks the same now, and I agree I don’t like it either and it’s not at all something I want to become when I talk about fixing myself - but it annoys me that he wouldn’t admit the fact he still finds them super hot. I asked him directly and he didn’t answer, he evaded it entirely, which basically proved my point. I don’t know why it gets to me that he can find women who have had work done hot and want to sleep with them etc etc but then I’m not allowed to? So I’m expected to be his haggard girlfriend next to these women who yes look a certain way that I don’t want to myself, but they still look good… if not quite bizarre, but bizarre in a hot way. And I’m sorry but men love that look, maybe they don’t want to marry it but they will f’ing stare at it thinking it’s gorgeous etc. I believe him in the fact he’s not into that look, but I think he’s not into it from a girlfriend perspective, I’m fairly certain if he was properly single and a girl like that chatted him up he would be frothing at the bit. All men would be. They’re gorgeous, they’re 38% plastic but they’re gorgeous. And even then, they don’t all look stupid, you can have that ig-face and still look somewhat natural and stuff. It’s just the double standard, I think. And I like that he wants me natural, I love it, but it just feels like he either doesn’t understand what I’m saying/I’m communicating it wrong, or idk. I think it comes down to the fact he finds women that have had a lot of work done beautiful, but he’s so naive when it comes down to what work is. And so he talks about women getting work done and all having the ig-face and body, but that’s a small percentage of what it actually looks like. Several women at work in my team get Botox and filler, you wouldn’t think it. They can still move their foreheads but it’s just smoother and their lips are a fraction plumper but still a regular size and shape. They look like regular women, but they get bi-annual injectables. And celebrities who look natural but are anything but, like Blake L for example - she’s got an entirely new face and set of boobs ffs, but she looks nothing like the ig-face women. It’s just idk. I think he thinks he has a better understanding of it than he does. Anyway. I like that he doesn’t want me ending up like that, I love that he prefers the natural look - I consider myself very lucky to have a man like that.
• He kept talking about how even though I consider myself ugly, I’m not. It made me feel so uncomfortable. I don’t like any discussion around my appearance, I hate my appearance being noticed. I will reluctantly say I know he’s right in that I don’t have any major deformities and am objectively not ugly - I am aware I get “unsolicited” compliments fairly regularly from people I know and strangers. But I feel ugly. I don’t feel enough. I don’t feel worthy of him, or any man. I feel like a disappointment. I feel like anyone who dates me will wish I looked like someone else. I mean R even said it, he said he wished I looked like Miranda K - he was a prick sure but at least he was HONEST. I find it annoying that he says he wouldn’t prefer me to someone else - if he could mould me into any sort of appearance without me knowing I know he would - anyone would. And I know it’s stupid because I don’t even really care what he looks like but it’s just different with women. No matter what he says it just IS. He has no idea what it’s like and I hate the fact he thinks he does. He has NO IDEA what it’s like to be a woman and have vast majority of your worth be based around your appearance. Anyway.
• He kept saying I was pretty, or very pretty, or really pretty. I don’t want to be pretty. Pretty is such a throwaway word. When you love how someone looks you say beautiful, you say gorgeous, you say stunning etc etc. For someone you define as passable you say pretty. For someone who is fine you say cute. Saying hot isn’t a word to strive for. But they’re all different, and pretty… it’s the kind of thing you say as a casual compliment when you’re about to go out “you look extra pretty today” but to be purely defined as such? I don’t find that reassuring or complementary and it just provides further evidence that I am not enough. I know I’m not, I’m not delusional - I know what I look like and I know full well I’m not beautiful or gorgeous. It’s a fact of life and I accept it, I’m not happy about it and it makes me feel worthless and like a disappointment to any man I’m with, but it is what it is. Not everyone can be beautiful and you can’t force it - you either are or you aren’t. But idk. You still want your man to think you are? Is that pathetic? Delusional? Wishful thinking? Batshit crazy? Yes yes yes and YES. I know how much of an ignorant spoilt cow I am for feeling uglier than ever having been called pretty, I realise that may not make sense to many people, but it does to me. It reaffirms what I already knew. And that hurts. But also what do I want? Do I want him to lie to me and call me beautiful? No. So what the hell do I even want? Well I know what I want, I want to be beautiful and worthy of that word and fact is, I never will be. I sound so… I sound horrible, don’t I? Then again, what’s new? Horrid girl has horrid way of thinking - quelle surprise.
• Further to the above, I need to change my mindset more. I have my daily affirmations but I’ve just gone down to one or two each day. I’ve been saying them almost daily for a long time now, I don’t think they’ve changed anything. I’ll continue. Eventually something will start to alter… surely. It’s difficult to alter your whole world of thoughts and thinking. Very difficult. It’s like teaching a scientist that actually humans didn’t evolve from apes, we actually evolved from dolphins - with little to no evidence to back it up. It feels like that red pill blue pill thing, I could relent and live in a state of delusion or I could live in the reality where I currently am. It’s difficult. It feels like neither he nor my therapist have any f’ing idea how impossible it feels. It feels like if I succeed in changing my mindset I’ll become an underwater dweller - that’s how farfetched it feels to me. I am trying, I fail at it some days but I am consistently trying over and over and over but f me it’s so hard to keep trying for something that feels unattainable but knowing I can’t quit. Well I could quit but it’s no longer an option, I’ve removed it as an option. I used to quit, not anymore.
• We talked about a lot more, and went deeper on all these topics. I wish I could record our conversations sometimes, he has so many interesting takes and he can make me feel way better and I’m just so forgetful and forever brain foggy and sleepy and idk. It feels wasteful, for him to say all these things and me not recall every single word. It makes me feel ungrateful and like I’m taking advantage of his time, energy, effort and attention.

Idk why this rice is being advertised as being loaded with protein, it’s 6.2g for the lot. Or the other one is advertised as being packed full of fibre with a meagre 3g. That’s around 10% of your ideal daily intake and it forms the bulk of one of three meals. So… idk. Seems odd to me. Anyway I only got it as it seems more interesting than plain brown rice so now I have brown rice but with lentils and turmeric and beans and stuff. It’s still basically just plain brown rice though. I guess it’s the thought that counts.
Therapy today was… interesting. I didn’t take a lot away from it but I found myself being a touch more combative than usual, and by usual I mean I never am. Combative is an extreme word. We talked about self worth and self esteem and how I understand it within myself - basically I have a brief overview of our talk last night. We talked a lot about expectations - my own, those of society, what I believe Andy’s expectations are versus what he says they are, what I think my family and friends expect from me etc. It was embarrassing to admit I don’t feel pretty enough to have friends. I didn’t word it as such but I basically did. We talked about my issues with comparison too, albeit less so. I don’t like when she questions me about stuff, like how I will say I’ll never be pretty enough to have a life worth living (I don’t word as such, obviously, but it’s how I feel) and she’ll say well why does it matter? Why is it so important to be pretty? Do you think pretty women are better than regular or unattractive women? And I’ll say no not really. And then she’ll be like so why have this view on yourself and I just hate it because I realise she’s right I’m not stupid I know I have an entirely different set of expectations and all in all an entirely different reality for myself versus others. Like I KNOW THIS. I just feel like no one understands me. They don’t seem to understand that I am not kind, I’m not funny, I’m not clever, I’m not creative, I’m not successful, I don’t have a lot of friends or family etc etc etc - I have nothing to offer anyone. And to then feel like an ugly cretin on top of that? It makes me feel like I’m breaking inside. I truly have nothing and therefore am nothing. But no one seems to goddamn get it or understand AND IT MAKES ME SO FRUSTRATED. I don’t want to write about this anymore.
I finished HP3 today, I guess I’ll start HP4 later or tomorrow?
I did a small workout earlier. It was barely even worthy of mentioning here. Though sometimes I do them and don’t mention them at all here. So. Idk what my rationale is but do I ever?
He’s been interrupting me a lot lately. It’s feeling like I can barely say anything. It’s starting to get to me, I know he doesn’t mean to do it and I don’t usually mind as I have nothing worthwhile contributing, but it just feels like he has zero interest in anything I have to say. And it annoys me that he will point out that I will interrupt here and there and he doesn’t even seem to realise he consistently talks over me. He called me earlier to tell me about his poor ankle, poor baby, but for I would say 70% of what I started to say he would talk over me. I truly don’t think he even realises it. I know it isn’t intentional, at least not always, but I don’t think he has any clue how frequently he does it. It’s not the end of the world, I don’t usually care all that much, I think it’s just sometimes it can get to me. I know I interrupt too, I probably don’t notice how frequently I do it either, but I find the idea of it being even remotely as close to the amount he does it impossible. Anyway it’s fine.
I learned of the existence of pudu deer today and omg. And further to that, baby pudu deer. MY HEART. And then I spent about twenty minutes looking up baby pandas and big pandas, cocker spaniels and puppies in general and it made me feel better. Animals are so much better than humans.
Work was a waste of time today. I got very little done. I’ve kind of felt drained today, like I have nothing in me to give. I have a long weekend now. My plan was to declutter but now idk. I should.
I hate this journal. I hate how I sound, I hate how I’m thinking, I hate hate hate everything about it. I’m basically the word negative given human form. Something I am working on. But I let it slip big time today, and lately. I need to be better. I just feel so tired of it all. Tomorrow I will be better.
He’s asleep. It’s 9:31pm now. I miss him a bit. I’ve done nothing. I can’t focus on reading so I haven’t started the next book. I haven’t even touched my laptop. I’m basically doing actually nothing. I had a long shower and did some pampery things I guess. I feel silky soft and smooth. I wish I had Amazon prime so I could order stuff I can’t get here. But shipping is like triple the price of the item so it’s not worth it. I might make a chemist warehouse order tomorrow and get some body care bits and pieces. I don’t need to spend lots of money on it, I have a tendency to spend $$$ on oils and things but it’s not necessary so I should be better with my money. I guess. Being good with money doesn’t smell nearly as nice as being frivolous. My Light stim has broken. So. That’s great. I think I’m just going to go to sleep now tbh. I’m so sick of existing. Bye

It’s okay to take time, but you can’t become comfortable with it. Get someone who will help you face it.
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You know the drill: credit to SpacePaladin15 for the universe.
Thank you JulianSkies for proofreading.
Memory Transcription Subject: Billy Marsh, Nothing
Date [Standardized Human Time]: March 31, 2142
Am I wrong about this? What if… I don’t deserve this?
What am I saying, of course I deserve this!
But what Gillab is saying makes sense. And almost everyone I talk to reinforces that. I mean, even people who have never met him are saying the same thing. The other veterans all agreed with Richard when he said something similar to Gillab.
I can’t listen to them, they don’t know what I’ve been through.
But they know something similar.
They haven’t done what I have.
I can’t think like that. Everyone has unique experiences.
Which is why they will never understand.
…What if that’s okay?
What?
What if they don’t need to understand me fully? What if they can just give advice for the things they do know, and help me figure out the things we don’t?
That will never work.
Why not?
It’s too difficult.
…Is that all? I’m… I’m a soldier. I’m built to do difficult things.
Yes, but I am not built to live after the war. I was supposed to die in that tower with the rest of my squad, it was a freak accident that I lived. I’m not supposed to deal with the fallout of what I went through.
But what if I can? What if I am strong enough? What if the people around me can help? Even if I’m right and I’m not supposed to be here, why can’t I make the best of it?
Because it spits in the face of everyone I’ve lost. They should be the ones here, not me.
I… they should… I wish I could trade places with even just one of them.
But I was too weak and let them all down.
At least Brandon made it out.
So I was able to save one person who mattered to me. One. Out of how many?
Too many…
Too many.
But… isn’t that the reason we became soldiers? To fight and die for a cause we believe in? I believed in the cause I was fighting for, and I know every single one of them did as well. We saved lives. Lots of them. Even if I couldn’t see the lives I saved, I know I saved lives. Tintak and Aliert told me so, and so did Gillab, and every person who knows I’m a veteran.
And still, most of them are fearful of me. They might not run at your face, but they will feel uncomfortable around me.
That’s not true, look at Gillab, Tintak, and Aliert. They are comfortable around me.
So a few people don’t run, congratulations. The rest of the universe will. The only ones who won't are other Humans and the Arxur. Face it, I wasted my time and got people killed while fighting for something that was probably just a lie to get people like me to sign up.
I tossed my head to the side, sighing as I tried to work up enough energy to crawl out of bed. I had been lying here for as long as I could, hoping that the world would just forget about me, at least for a day. I just wanted to cease all thought for a while, melt into the dirty sheets, and let the world pass me by. But that was impossible with my current roommate.
The door creaked open loudly as Gillab returned to check up on me. “Billy, it’s almost noon. You are going to be late for the meeting if you don’t leave soon. You said you would go again.”
I growled and flung off my sheets, revealing that I had slept with all of my clothes except my shoes on. “I know, you don’t have to tell me again.”
Gillab watched me for a second before opening the door fully, letting the light in, and turning away. “I made some breakfast for you before you go.”
“Thanks.”
I paused what I was doing. I didn’t deserve breakfast, why did I thank him for it?
I shook my head and slipped on my shoes, I wish I could just drink my problems away again. These recent days had become more and more confusing, almost every second was filled with pestering thoughts and questions. I never had a moment of peace anymore, but somehow I felt lighter.
It was confusing, I thought moving around so much would make me tired, but somehow I ended up feeling less exhausted. Was I actually getting better? Was this all it took for me to see some improvement? Surely not, it’s just a coincidence.
I exited my room to the smell of slightly burnt food. It seems that Gillab’s attempt at breakfast potatoes had gone a little wrong, but they still looked edible enough. I sat down without a word and started picking at the food, feeling hungry for the first time in a while. I speared a couple of the cubed potatoes and lifted them up, examining them for anything to complain about.
They were slightly burnt, so it seemed I wasn’t smelling anything wrong, but all in all, they seemed fine. However, after taking a bite, I realized that Gillab had forgotten to salt them.
“Forgot to salt them.”
Gillab looked up from his plate. “Is that what’s wrong? I thought I just bought bad potatoes.”
I sighed. “You did, but you can still make decent breakfast potatoes with the red ones. Those are better for stews though, use golden ones for frying.”
“Huh, I never knew there were differences in potatoes outside of color. And I never knew you knew so much about them.”
I placed another few chunks in my mouth. “I grew up on a farm, I better know my potatoes.”
“Wait, I thought you said you didn’t know how to cook.”
“I don’t. Not well anyways. Mom would always say a little thing about the three different potatoes before she started cooking. Brown for mashin’, gold for fryin’, and red for stewin’. Said that every time”
Gillab scraped together a pile of potatoes before shoveling some onto his fork. “You never told me much about your family when we were on the Cradle. Or much about your past now that I think about it. You mostly just talked about Earth as a whole. Well, more like America, but still.”
I let my fork clatter into the sink, noticing that there was a decent number of dishes that needed to be done. “Not much to talk about. Not much I want to talk about either. You need to do the dishes by the way.”
Gillab set his own plate in the sink. “It looks like you’re right. I’ll have to do them later, we’ve got to get going.”
Gillab rushed me out of the house, barely letting me find a hat to hide my unkempt hair. He was more worried than me about me being late for my second meeting with the therapy group, though I wasn’t too worried. I was sure that I could just explain it away with bad foot traffic or simply tell the truth and say that I overslept. I’m sure they would understand, they all seemed like nice people.
But just when I was about to enter the community center, Gillab stopped me for a moment. “Hey Billy, before you go in I have to let you know that I’m going to be away until tomorrow. I need to talk to my wife about something, in person. Just thought I’d let you know.”
I sighed. “Thanks for letting me know now at least.”
Gillab looked like he wanted to defend himself, but just ended up sighing. “Yeah, see you then.”
I slipped into the building and waved to the lady behind the desk before heading down the hall. Just as I was about to grab the doorknob, I heard a familiar voice shot from the end of the hall. I looked up to see Richard carrying a cooler in his hands, rushing towards me with a smile on his face.
“Billy! I thought you might have skipped out on this one. I know you said that you would be here, but it’s pretty early in the morning and I’d understand if you wanted to sleep in on a weekend.”
I held the door open for him as I spoke. “I almost did. If it wasn’t for my roommate, I would have missed the time.”
Richard laughed as he set the cooler down. “Hah! I wish I had a roommate like that. None of the ones I had would ever do something like that. It sounds like you have a decent friend bunking up with you.”
I took my seat next to Tunek. “You could say that. Recently he has been a pest, but he’s a good person.”
“Sounds like a good friend to me!”
I looked down to the floor. “Yeah… I guess he really is.”
Richard began setting out the snacks for everyone in the room, but only I didn’t go up to get something. I kept my eyes on the floor the entire time, waiting for the real meeting to start. I wasn’t hungry anyway, but not because I didn’t want to eat. The meal that Gillab cooked had filled me, which was something I hadn’t felt in a long while.
Still, when Tunek returned, he offered me a piece of fruit leather, just like he had when I first showed up. “Here you go. You don’t look as hungry this time, but I still thought I should be considerate.”
I took the snack and thanked the Venlil, setting it to the side as everyone else got settled in. John and Carter weren’t here today, and in their place were two people I didn’t recognize. One was a woman with a large scar on her forehead and a distant look on her face. The other was a man who seemed to have been lucky enough to survive without getting any bionics or permanent scars, though judging from the look in his eye he wasn’t unscathed from the war.
I settled into my chair as Richard gathered everyone’s attention. “Alright, now that everyone is here and has their snacks, why don’t we get started with a recap? Of course, if you don’t feel ready or would prefer to keep it private, you are free to keep it to yourself. Does anyone want to volunteer to go first?”
After a second of silence, Tunek raised his paw. Richard smiled warmly and let Tunek have the floor, sitting down and crossing his legs at the ankle.
Tunek didn’t stand to speak, preferring to keep himself planted. “I finally went a day without blaming myself. J-just one, though.”
Richard leaned forward. “Tunek, that is wonderful. You might think ‘Big whoop, it’s only one day,’ but every journey starts with one small step. You have just taken that first step, you should feel proud of yourself. You are making progress.”
Tunek couldn’t meet Richard’s gaze. “I guess, but I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I couldn’t save them, even when it was my job to do it. I froze and stumbled and everything else and let them down. I-I shouldn’t have even been there, s-someone else would have just taken my place, and they wouldn’t have let people die.”
Richard nodded. “Or they would have let more people die, Tunek. You cannot get stuck on the what-ifs, it is just a waste of mind power. You will only end up hurting yourself if you get caught up in asking that question over and over again, almost like you are poisoning yourself.”
Tunek nodded. “I know. In my conscious mind, I know, but my brain keeps telling me otherwise. It’s hard not to think about it, it’s a habit at this point.”
“Then we will just break it like a bad habit. It will take time, but you have already come so far. I know, we all know that you have the strength to carry on to the end.”
Tunek nodded and leaned back. “Thank you, I think I needed that.”
Everyone was silent for a moment before the woman began to speak again. “I thought about… it again. For a while. I couldn’t stop myself. Had a panic attack too.”
Richard’s smile dissipated and a much more serious expression came out. “Are you comfortable enough to talk about it?”
“I… need somewhere more private.”
“That’s perfectly fine with me, I have plenty of time to be there with you. When this meeting is over, just stay here and we can talk.”
The woman sniffled and sighed, wiping her face and trying to calm herself down. I could see her try to melt with the chair, pressing herself into it as much as possible and refusing to make eye contact with anything but the floor. Richard’s concerned gaze lingered on her for a second longer before switching to me and the other man.
“Billy? David? Would either of you two like to go?”
I glanced over to David, who looked back at me and shrugged. “The past week for me has been better than what the others were like. I’m not sitting around as much, finally eating well, getting some more motivation. I’m still cautious, but things are starting to look up for me.”
Richard leaned back, once again giving a warm smile. “That sounds wonderful! Enjoy it, this is the fruit of your persistence. You’ve had a long journey, and even if it’s not over yet, it’s coming, just wait.”
David let himself give a light smile and nod, leaving the spotlight open for me to speak. “Not much has changed since the last time I was here. My roommate is still bugging me, but it keeps me busy.”
I shook my head in thought as I ended my turn. “Honestly, not much to say.”
Richard tried to keep his smile, but it ended up falling away into a serious frown as he leaned forward. “Billy, last time you were here, you alluded to the fact that you were dealing with some serious trauma. You even went so far as to say that you couldn’t be saved. I didn’t dig too deep last time because I saw that you weren’t comfortable enough to talk about it, but looking at you now, you clearly look better. If you feel like you are up for it, I think it would be very good for your mental health to at least tell another person about what that trauma is. Everyone here has gone through their own hardships and traumatic experiences, so there will be no judgment.”
I tried to speak but my voice caught in my throat. I swallowed a lump and let my eyes fall to the floor. “I’m… I can’t.”
Richard solemnly nodded. “I understand. I just hope the day that you can will come soon. Wallowing in pain can only falsely reinforce your negative feelings, and the best way to get out of it is to find and carefully address it with someone you trust. One day I hope that we will have built enough trust for you to discuss it here, but I understand if you would like to handle it in a more private place like Miranda here.”
I nodded and leaned back. “I… Thank you.”
The rest of the meeting went on without me, leaving me to fight another internal conflict over my future. They were becoming more and more common, something that I wish wasn’t the case. If I wasn’t doing anything else or intoxicated in some way, it seemed that my mind would default to having a battle with itself.
I wish I didn’t have to fight any more battles.

Over the past three years I have spent a frankly silly amount of time reading Impossible Landscapes back to front, as well as KiY related media and going right back to the original short story collection. I also watched or otherwise listened to several actual plays of Impossible Landscapes, more to get a sense of what various GMs took out, left in or took out and replaced with something tied more to their gaming group/PCs directly.
As a result, while there will be spoilers for Impossible Landscapes in this campaign diary, it is very much my take on KiY and what I think KiY represents. It will also become apparent to anyone familiar with Impossible Landscapes that the changes made out the gate are substantive to the point one can say "you're not playing Impossible Landscapes, really," and that's fine.
Comments are welcome, though this is mostly just so I can archive the sessions and though I was once on the N@TO server, I ended up taking my leave earlier this year as part of a sort of Discord clean up of my tabs. No shade on the server, met many people there I am now friends with but I just wasn't vibing with it anymore. Hope N@TO's doing well :)
This post will be somewhat long compared to others that will follow.
Down to brass tacks.
Operation ALICE, New York, 1995
The Roster (Player/Character)
Lea (she/her): Jules Gradkowska - Agent MIRANDA. Journalist - research and human intelligence.
Iain (he/him): Ralph Bevis - Agent MILHOUSE. Academic - history and occult specialist.
Quinn (he/him): Richard Delapore - Agent MAVERICK. FBI Special Agent - criminal and forensic expert and the official 'face' of the investigation.
Phil (he/him): Jean Duvall - Agent MAIN. US Navy Master Chief Petty Officer - operational security specialist.
Duncan (he/him): Jake Little - Agent MALATESTA. Civilian contractor - computer and electronic specialist with a side line in hacking.
Rob (he/him) - Handler. The arbiter of the world: the good, the bad and that which cannot and should not be named.
Background
While none of the members of M-Cell have met each other prior to their initial briefing (August 8th, 1995), both Agent MIRANDA and Agent MAVERICK are acquainted from a previous operation, part of a scenario I wrote and ran some time ago and set on the west-coast. Both have since relocated to New York by the Summer of '95, due in part to the prior operation but neither was aware of the other being part of the cell.
MAVERICK now works out of the NYC FBI Field Office. MIRANDA works for the Village Voice newspaper.
Only fools trust coincidences.
Agent MILHOUSE, a rising academic star, ended up on Delta Green's radar through exposure to elements of an unusual language in the course of his induction. He knows the language is extinct, but that hasn't tempered his curiosity.
A curious mind.
The youngest member of the team, Agent MALATESTA was slowly roped into the conspiracy when he crossed paths with the organization via his online life.
Knows there's weird shit out there. Doesn't like it.
Agent MAIN joined the US Navy in the early 1970s. Though not a SEAL, he's seen enough active deployments to have moved from Friendly to Agent status.
A man at a crossroads.

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Session 0 "Therapy Session" (May 17th, 2024)
With about a month lead-time, the players came to the table with concepts already done and it was a case of representing that on the sheet. For Quinn and Lea it involved recreating now lost character sheets from the one shot I ran (that was at least a hard drive ago for us, but it was straightforward enough). Some motivations remained a bit undefined by the end of session 1 and some bonds were still placeholders, but I'm happy for the players to discover these things along the way as they get more into character.
Lea and Quinn playing characters who previously came into contact with KiY mean they start with a corruption rating of 1. Ditto for Iain and Duncan, with both character unknowingly coming into contact with KiY in the recent past, which leaves Phil as the only character yet to have any corruption. Iain's academic actually knows some Tartessian which gave him a small bump to Unnatural that might come into play. I put that down to some rolls on his part after floating the idea as a means to explain his recruitment into Delta Green. Something he kept away from them. As far as Agent MALATESTA is concerned, it was Delta Green who got in touch with him. They've never said either way, but why would they? Something certainly put him in their path. Maybe we'll find out what it was.
After about 90 minutes of getting the details sorted into something if not polished, playable, we managed about two hours of play towards the end of session 0 to at least get things rolling. I was had several end points in mind, but we started with the standard intro-round, sort of a day in the life of each Agent before Operation ALICE begins.
Monday, August 7th to Tuesday, August 8th - 1995 (New York City)
MAVERICK: Transferred within the last two years, MAVERICK is somewhere in the transitional phase between being the "new guy" and one of the team in the NYC FBI Field Office. Most of his day-to-day is about what you'd expect, more a support role at the moment. He maintains a long-distance relationship with Natalie Culper, someone he met in the course of a Delta Green operation in the Pacific Northwest. She's thinking about film school and it's between LA and New York for various reasons. They have this little ritual where Natalie assigns him "movie homework" (nice touch from the player) and call each other every night. In characterization, despite his name, MAVERICK is very much an Agent Cooper, but with the caveat of seeking approval of others: his superiors and Natalie both.
Delta Green contacts him the nigh before the briefing with details of same and upon arrival at work the next day finds he's been given a "supervisory" role in the Wright Case, now in FBI hands. MAVERICK's supervisor is honest about the general scut work he's just been given: catalogue the contents of her apartment for the bureau as it's currently all they have to go on for what might be a months old case at this point after following up on the credit card hit in Maryland went nowhere. Very much a go-getter, MAVERICK takes the assignment with a smile and receives hints that this is kind of the last step for him being accepted by the NYC team.
Punctual, he is the first to arrive in Washington Square Park at the behest of Agent MARCUS, M-Cell's Case Officer.
MIRANDA: Now in the "big leagues" compared to her stint in Seattle, MIRANDA finds herself covering the opening of a new restaurant "We-Kale," not quite being given the grunt work/puff piece duty other reporters would rather avoid, but not the highlight of her week either. She turns in her interview with the owner and their "new business model" to her editor, Timothy Horn, he invites her to the Voice's summer grill party scheduled for the weekend. MIRANDA of course, agrees and invites her neighbour Ruth as her plus-one. That night, while going over some photos she turned in to get developed, finds details of the planned briefing in an artifact marking one of said photographs.
MIRANDA is the second to last to arrive, surprising MAVERICK and likewise surprised by seeing him again. MIRANDA was injured in the Seattle operation in the process of subduing a subject. Since then, she's taken it upon herself to learn as much as she can to ensure something like that doesn't happen to her again.
MAIN: A twenty-year Navy veteran, Master Chief Petty Officer Jean Duvall (of French-American parents) captains a Naval tug operating out of New York. Approaching middle-age, this is very much the kind of posting a senior enlisted officer might expect to see out the rest of his career in. Though operating with Delta Green for a number of years, primarily as a Friendly in a support capacity, he is now part of M-Cell in an Agent capacity. MAIN certainly sees this as an opportunity to prove to himself that he isn't over the hill yet, which probably explains his never ending womanizing.
Released for two weeks of "inter-service" training, MAIN is the second to arrive at the park. An imposing presence (CON: 70), but wiry like a boxer (DEX: 80).
MILHOUSE: Exactly what it was that led Agent MILHOUSE to learn parts of Tartessian language (extinct in the world of Delta Green as it is in our world) is somewhat hazy and unclear. Maybe that's for the best, but it hasn't deterred his search for more of the same. A brilliant PhD with specializations in history and anthropology leading to a healthy side-line in obscure and esoteric work, MILHOUSE is also a serious athlete, both stronger and sturdier than even MAIN.
Detached from his research work, including an upcoming dig, his department-head suggests he do his best to help the idiots from the government as best he can; they can always use more grant money. He joins MAVERICK and MAIN, being the third team member to gather.
MALATESTA: A 22 year old high-school dropout might not seem like the first choice for a Delta Green talent-spotter, but Jake Little learned how to navigate the burgeoning world of Web 1.0 and fell in with anarchist forums and hacker collectives in short order. A long haired, under-washed skater kid, he moonlights in a local internet cafe (Cyberia) by day, where he most definitely is a bit too shy to ask his co-worker Erika out on a date and earns better money pulling various jobs suited to his skill set. Somewhere in there, a couple of people in suits turned up after a job of no particular note and said they'd be in touch.
Not an early riser by nature, nor one early to bed, MALATESTA is the last to arrive on the scene with MARCUS and the others.
The Briefing
All the agents gathered, MARCUS briefs them. He keeps it to the point, but allows space for the team to speak with him and each other, though HUMINT checks reveal he is nervous or stressed.
Abigail Wright was reported missing on June 14th. The NYPD investigation hit a wall pretty quickly and it went cold until her credit card was used at a gas station in Maryland on August 2nd. While that angle led nowhere, the case was transferred to the FBI as a possible interstate kidnapping. As the FBI began investigating Abigail's apartment, a Friendly caught something that ended up in front of A-Cell, at which point MARCUS was instructed to activate the Cell proper.
He hands each of them a large envelope from his briefcase. Inside, the Agents find credentials identifying them as FBI employees and civilian contractors. In the case of MAVERICK, he finds Special Agent credentials (his photo, different name and DOB in order to maintain OpSec and cut out the Field Office for some reason), as well as a pair of photographs of Abigail and New York Post article covering her disappearance.
Their mission is a simple one as MARCUS sees it: catalogue everything for the FBI, but anything pointing towards the occult/unnatural must be identified and destroyed. MARCUS does not want to know about what they may or may not find, only that it has been dealt with.
As questions went back and forth, I called for Alertness checks from MIRANDA, MAVERICK, MALATESTA and MILHOUSE. Only MAVERICK passed. He is the first to hear the music. He is the first to see the clown dancing before a crowd of onlookers. The park is busy on a summer weekday, filled with tourists, students and families free for the day. The clown wears a costume of gold, a facemask, and dances to odd sounding, almost dirge-like music, trailing a paper dragon above its head.
MARCUS, already stressed, asks if anyone was followed.
The others begin to notice the clown. HUMINT tells some of them the clown is dangerous. The clown is hateful.
MAVERICK grabs MARCUS in an attempt to hustle him away. The others react as MAVERICK draws his gun. No one else in the park has noticed yet.
MAVERICK points out the clown. MARCUS slips a card into the Agent's jacket pocket and pushes away, ducking into the park-goers on his way out. MIRANDA takes her leave quietly and suddenly, looping around to photograph the performing clown from multiple angles before heading to the apartment on her scooter. MAVERICK retrieves his car with MALATESTA in tow, while MILHOUSE & MAIN pursue the clown. (I decided MAIN, while lacking corruption, was now dabbling at the edges of it, essentially standing up to his shins in water).
The closer they get to the clown and its dragon, the more people get in both MAIN and MILHOUSE's way and by the time they reach the watching crowd, the clown is already walking away with its record player under one arm. Pursuit fails and both men lose sight of it in a way neither can explain, leaving MAIN chain smoking and frustrated, while MILHOUSE has his interest peaked.
Re-joining MAVERICK and MALATESTA, they drive to Kips Bay.
Macallistar Building
MIRANDA, nimble on her Vespa, arrives at the address first. She takes a little time to study the building before approaching, seeing a tall man standing in front of it and staring at the facade. Despite the heat, he's dressed in a trench coat. He catches her staring and after a bit of back and forth, identifies himself as Detective Graham Guiradanda, NYPD. He's waiting for an FBI team to arrive and take custody of the apartment, unprocessed by the NYPD for one bureaucratic reason or another and now very much not their problem. He's nice about it, but MIRANDA is a little weirded out by his behaviour.
The others soon arrive and the handover takes place. HUMINT rolls reveal the detective is nervous, worried. Though when asked, he can't put it into words exactly.
"You have to see it. I can't explain it. It's fucked up."
He exchanges cards with MAVERICK, should they need assistance.
Given the keys by MARCUS, MAVERICK follows MAIN and the others up the front steps to the Macallistar and whatever waits within.
Dorchester House, 2015
Dr. Dallon: "Braver man than me, wearing a coat like that at the height of summer. Sorry, Richard, I cut you off."
The scene shifts to each of the Agents gathered in a circle with their therapist, Dr. Dallon, a Delta Green Friendly who operates Dorchester House. The Agents have related everything that happened during play as part of their first group therapy session with the doctor.
Recently, all have been experiencing lapses in memory and erratic behaviour, enough that Delta Green made it clear treatment and recovery were needed.
It has something to do with New York and Operation ALICE. None of them can recall what, but that's why they're here. MAIN. MAVERICK. MIRANDA. MILHOUSE and MALATESTA. Twenty years ago something happened to them.
It's still happening now.
Dr. Dallon breaks up the meeting, saying they'll pick it up again the next day. They return to their rooms, located on the low-security first floor of the facility.
And with that our session ended.
Next session is scheduled for May 24th. Write up to follow.
Be seeing you.