The switch monologue

Can we please talk about this book?? I need to know what everyone thought!
I was totally blown away. I really enjoyed the first 2 books but NEVER did I think we could lose like half of the main characters, get POVs from characters I previously did not give one single shit about (hi Vincent) and it would be SO engrossing and fun to read
No disrespect to SJM but the 2nd CC book made me never want to read another multiple POV book ever again and yet here we are?? Camilla may actually be my favorite character now. I was begging Samkiel not to kill Isaiah?? I was literally making excuses for Vincent in my head as he was chopping off Camilla’s fucking HANDS. Like I don’t even hate Kaden now?? Who am I to begrudge a man for his daddy issues and his fear of the dark! Truly I never once groaned at the POV switch like I usually do with these books, and this one was 800 PAGES my god what a triumph that is
Things I also loved: Dianna being her usual messy bitch self, so great. Samkiel holding her accountable then immediately caving (and I do mean immediately), very on brand. All of the new characters and realms and species and plot lines- YES baby give me more creatures we’ve never seen and new worlds please it’s so good
Things I loved less: if I’m being honest- the wedding was cheesy. Is this a safe space?? I cringed a lot and was happy when it was over. ALSO the inner monologuing between Samkiel and Dianna about aspects of their relationship we are all very clear on was WHEW. Sam bud we get that Dianna doesn’t want to lose you because of Gabby and commitment issues and Kaden and blah blah I promise we all have heard and understand at this point
Honestly overall I was just so into this book. I’m dying to know what happens next with Death. I NEED our bad bitch witch Camilla to break Nismera’s spell/hold over Vincent. I’m so invested in the sibling dynamics of Samkiel/Kaden/Isaiah. And Cameron and Xavi?? My babes I am dying for the reunion. PLUS more gods?! Rebel gods?? Hot, obviously, and now I also see why this will be a 7 book series.
Let’s talk!! Give me your opinions, theories, loved thats, complaints, all of it!

Couldn't find it googling, I watched it a few years ago as a part of a showcase on Russia or Soviet Russian, something like that.
Colored and with sound, I remember it was a story about an old rich lady in a boat cruise down a river. I think she was trying to close a deal. Her rebelious daughter or daughter-in-law was a revolutionary young lady trying to get her child back, I think. As she was a revolutionary, and probably arrested, the old lady was in charge of the child because the husband (probably the old lady's son) died and she didn't trust the young lady. There was a scene where the old lady tells her to play piano and she starts Chopin, switches to the Marseillaise to piss the old lady off, in which she succeeds, then she starts a beautiful song called something like "Flowers" or Flowers of something. In the end the old lady died and about 3 people monologued in her death bed, including the daughter-in-law.
Thanks

Imagine this everyone im about to cook rn. So its the next chapter and kiyora assists kaiser in getting a goal. both the teams struggling against eachother. rin scores . its now the final moments and everyone is running to the goal excecpt for two ppl… kuni and shidou. isagi has the ball and takes his final shot but it hits the post😱. after this we get a plotsagi monologue saying he knew this would happen. then its switches to kuni and shidou running for the ball aggressively bumping eachother(pause). insert flashback munchen moment and we see what kuni went through in the wild card. it then comes back and kuni manages to barge shidou to then blast a long lefty shot in from outside the penalty area. A panel shows shidou rolling on the floor and when he looks up its the most beautiful extravagant panel of kuni screaming celebrating his goal and the fact that he finally beat shidou

Theme

One of the most intriguing aspects of Efrim I is his birthplace, the small town of Kindersley, Saskatchewan. One would expect a man of his status, especially a Trudeau, to have been born in the east, in the old-boys-club of Toronto or Montreal or a suburb thereof, or the sun-kissed coast of British Columbia. To have such a powerful man come from such insignificant beginnings is not only noteworthy, but inspirational.
From Origins of the Apex, by the Princess Lyraeon.

I. Somerset
November 8th, 2070 - CNRL Somerset Site, Baffin Island, Nunavut, Canada
Efrim stared across the valley towards the cluster of buildings and machinery below. Streaks of beige and blue and safety yellow were severed by the billowing smoke and steam, and flashing lights fruitlessly competed for his attention. As he waited, his internal monologue recited his mission statement:
Make them notice,
Make them pay,
Spare the land,
Loss of life is the cost of doing business.
While Borealis was not specifically out to kill, they held the environment in higher regard than its human inhabitants and so in their meticulous planning, minimizing environmental damage was paramount to ensuring human survival.
"That's where the spill came from" said Francis, startling Efrim, who had lost himself in thought and forgotten he was even there. "The big oil spill, it was caused by a faulty valve in that line right there." Francis pointed to a pipe, coming out of a beige building that looked the same as every other beige building, and making a ninety-degree downward turn before plunging into the Earth.
"That's where it came from. Twenty thousand dead animals. Irrecoverable damage to the Hudson's Bay aquatic ecosystem. One pipe." Efrim lamented.
Efrim opened his mouth to continue speaking, but was interrupted by the din of radio chatter.
...last load dropped off, preparing crusher one stop
Borealis cared deeply about the environment, and so when planning protest actions, it was imperative to ensure that their actions did not lead to further environmental damage. Previous groups, despite professing their care for the environment, took actions in direct contravention of that philosophy, such as siphoning fuel out of earth-moving equipment and recklessly dumping it into the soil. Such actions were amateurish, careless-
...preparing crusher two stop
-and showed that the groups committing them cared far more about their own image and virtue than their end goal. Borealis was different. Borealis intended to hit polluters where it hurt the most - their financial statements. Their actions, usually taking place in sensitive ecosystems and with great potential for disaster, must be meticulously planned and executed to ensure minimal to no collateral damage.
The second radio, in Efrim's jacket pocket, lit up and began to make noise. He got momentarily confused - one radio was set to a site channel to listen in on their communications, the other was for the Borealis group to communicate internally.
equipment has stopped. there is no steam coming from the top of the buildings anymore, it looks like it's shut down. the extraction maintenance channel sounds like they're beginning to lock-out
Efrim very nearly keyed the wrong radio to respond. Not that it would've mattered - the radio for listening in on site channels had its transmit button disabled.
10-4. We wait until nine p-m to execute. The workers will be on break.
Efrim adjusted his balaclava. He was wearing one not for identity concealment or fashion, but because it got chilly this far north. He watched the relaxed activity below, a site so remote saw only a few work trucks driving up and down its roads, the occasional worker in reflective stripes walking from here to there. Efrim had only as much empathy as he could for them while allowing the execution of his mission - yes, they are human beings with families but at the same time their job causes untold environmental damage, and they put themselves in harm's way on a daily basis working on an industrial site, so what's it if their number finally gets called?
We have confirmation that oil has stopped flowing through the pipelines, power draw has decreased throughout the plant consistent with a near-total shutdown of operations.
Efrim pulled the radio closer to his mouth to respond.
Good. Only fifteen minutes to go.
Efrim glanced over at Francis, who was crouched and facing away from him, off to the right. He looked back across the valley and peered through his binoculars to see two black-clad figures running away from an outbuilding. Two people, not known to be there by anyone except Efrim. Declan and Celeste, their role in this operation was to gain access to the site's power plant and confirm that bitumen production operations had shut down, by monitoring the site's power consumption. It's quite obvious, when one thinks about it, that a large-scale shutdown of operations would be reflected by a drawdown of the site's power generation capacity due to decreased load from pumps, machinery, et cetera.
Borealis' plan was fine-tuned to protect the environment, and executing an operation of this nature while the site was running at full tilt would be foolhardy. Any sort of attack, at the wrong time, could cause untold destruction, pipeline blowouts, spills, and any number of other unpredictable consequences. As such, the group had planned their attack around a planned large-scale maintenance outage wherein plant operations are ceased, oil and ore is flushed from the plant's systems and the site is, for all intents and purposes, as clean as it's ever going to get.
As the clock ticked closer to 9:00, Efrim looked through his binoculars again towards a nondescript white van that had been staged deep within the plant days prior.
Whenever you're ready.
Alright, arming it.......heads up....now
The light seeped through even his closed eyelids and whisked around his forearm pressed against his face, and the thunderous roar of the explosion was a sound that he'd never forget.
II. Smugglers
October 12th, 2071 - Kelowna, British Columbia, Canada

Efrim always had an awkward air about him, nobody speaking to him ever felt fully at ease. Despite being a morally correct individual, there was always something you couldn't put your finger on. You wanted the conversation to be over.
From Origins of the Apex, by the Princess Lyraeon.

"I want to be very clear, I am quite sympathetic to your cause, but I just don't see this as feasible".
Efrim adjusted in his seat, the premium vegan leather of his chair dragging across his suit fashioned of recycled plastic fibers. He reached for his mug, taking a sip of tea, and stared at the man across from him.
"What's the extent of your discretion in your office, Mr. Bennett, and to what degree can you slip things like this under the radar?" he said.
"I told you you can call me Julian, we're at that point. I can make things go away but what you're asking, to totally gut the Canadian military and siphon everything off to various non-state actors, I can't just make things disappear like that. I think you have a bit of a misconception of how much these units are going to notice their equipment being crated up and shipped off."
Efrim stood up and paced around the room. His uneasiness put Julian off, though he'd dealt with men like Efrim before, and the personality type had a level of directness that brought slight discomfort to even the most pleasant of conversations.
"Here's what you do," Efrim said, turning back to face Julian. "You start a reshuffle of equipment, if everything gets sent around to different units, nobody will notice what goes missing. If Unit A signs off on the transfer of fifty tanks and only twenty make it to Unit B, neither will be aware. It checks out on both ends, but in the middle is where the magic happens."
Julian let out an uncomfortable laugh.
"I'm director of purchasing for the Canadian Armed Forces, not a five-star general. I can't just make orders like that. I don't have the power to move equipment between units. Like, maybe a few pieces here and there but I can't just shuffle everything with the stroke of a pen and expect people not to take note. If I moved EVERYTHING, there'd be questions asked."
Efrim thought for a moment, wheeling a Hot Wheels representation of a Rivian electric truck back and forth on his desk.
"What about new equipment?" he said.
"In what sense?" Julian replied.
"Purchasing new equipment and funnelling it to our allies. Mixed in with some 'redirection' of existing equipment, I think that would work." Efrim said.
"You mean purchase new equipment, and send it to the tribes rather than to our own military?"
"Nobody will ever notice."
"I think they will, but we're moving in the right direction." Julian said.
"Think about it, if you place a bunch of big orders, you can say they're going to be allocated on delivery, and then just 'allocate' them off the books. Do you think that would work?"
Julian let out a sigh and shifted in his chair.
"I think it has a better chance of working than what you previously suggested." he said.
"Alright, so that's settled. You can start placing orders and direct them to bases near their destination, and I'll arrange to have my people pick them up. The issue remains, though, of what to do about the rather competent Canadian military. I don't think, within two years of production, we'd be able to assemble a force to outmatch them. We can't take Ottawa if it's close, it needs to be decisive." said Efrim.
Julian hesitated for a second before replying, "I might be able to push a software update that will brick most CAF equipment currently in service, except for the really old stuff. Everything post-2040 is on the same battle management system so it should be fairly easy to do. Guns won't fire, tracked and wheeled equipment won't move, missiles will fly themselves into the nearest body of water. I think it's feasible. Their cybersecurity department is a bit of a mess, which I should add is something that you should address if this works out."
"And you think that's something you will be able to do?"
"It's going to be tough, but yes. You're lucky you got me, since I was director of operations for said battle management network. I'll talk to that department."
"Alright, now we're talking." said Efrim.
"One thing though."
"Yes?"
"If I get caught, you forced me to do it. You kidnapped my wife and children and I did it under extreme duress. If I can make this happen, I can fabricate that situation as well."
Efrim chuckled.
"Keep me posted."
III. Siege
January 22, 2073 - Ottawa, Ontario, Canada

It was a resounding success.
From Origins of Borealis, by the Princess Lyraeon.

Snow fell on Ottawa on the cold winters' morning. Colder than usual, by all accounts, a crisp minus fifteen, quite low for a city basked in the heat of the Great Lakes, though not unheard of. The Canadian Armed Forces monitoring stations failed to register the enemy descending on the city for two reasons. First, the surveillance infrastructure pointing inward was not as sophisticated as outward, since an attack from within was totally unprecedented. Second, even with the best monitoring systems in the world, the backdoor attack had rendered them totally non-functional. A system that could, operating properly, pick up an insect entering the capital registered absolutely nothing beyond background noise as Borealis forces had been allowed to move in under the shroud of darkness.
The Anishinaabe, skilled helicopter pilots, performed scouting and target-acquisition activities, while the Naskapi primarily operated tank battalions, less to do with their skill in doing so and more to do with the fact that most tanks and support vehicles had been allocated to them, for whatever reason. The Blackfoot led the incursion from the west, primarily using air power owing both to the vast distance required to get to Ottawa and their commandeering of CFB Cold Lake and CFB Suffield, serving as staging grounds for their aircraft before the attack.
The two Alberta bases, like many others across the country, were taken under the cover of night. Communications were jammed and special forces operators entered, capturing critical infrastructure and executing Canadian Forces members before they had the chance to react or raise the alarm. As both bases were very business-as-usual, had lackluster security owing to their geographical advantage, and were not home to any special forces that could counter the well-trained natives, Borealis forces had an easy time.
A technical bulletin was put out hours before the attack, grounding all CAF aircraft for planned software updates and, in many cases, mechanical upgrades. Technicians working for Borealis planted within the CAF dismantled engines, removed avionics suites leaving them in a pile of wires and screens on the floor, and then abandoned their posts to make way for the onslaught. The bar for entry into the Armed Forces as an aircraft technician is shockingly low, as Borealis came to find out in the planning stages when operatives were being placed.
Ultimately, on that winter's morning, the CAF found itself totally crippled.
The software update, sent out the night before, had rigged most equipment connected to the BMS to shut down at 9:00am. Some equipment had its shutdown overriden for a variety of reasons, mostly by the CAF itself, as the software injected did have some failsafes to maintain the illusion that all was normal. The software was packaged as a 'pre-update' to the full update, and ordered the shutdown to ensure equipment was grounded and in a state ready for updating.
Technology, integration, and artificial intelligence ultimately became the achilles heel of the Canadian military.

They never noticed the malware, because really, there was no malware. The systems were ordered to shut down at a specified time, so that a software update could be executed. That's all it did. Shut the system down. It didn't cause anything to self-destruct, turn the AI against its masters, or anything of the sort. It just shut the system down. And that's the beauty of it. Canada had gotten complacent with the relative safety of having New Alfheim and Japan as next-door neighbors. They thought they didn't need to maintain operational readiness because who would dare attack them?
From Borealis: A Military-Strategic Perspective, by Imperial Swordmaster Julian Bennett.

At 9:00am, as planned, the equipment of the Canadian Armed Forces took itself offline and went into a shutdown procedure for the software update. Many unit commanders had accounted for this by notifying Canada's allies to keep watch during the time the update was happening, to ensure it was not an attack of some sort, but most were at ease as the update had been talked about for weeks prior to the incident and was signed off by director-levels of the cybersecurity, operations, and intelligence divisions. The software update had originated with the equipment acquisition division, to integrate with the new BMS deployed on several of Canada's newest pieces of military technology, though almost no units yet had access to these. Chief among the updates was a kill-switch to disable the equipment should it fall into enemy hands, something both much appreciated and long overdue.
Despite their diligence, the equipment would never come back on line.
Distant explosions grew closer to listening ears, as a coordinated attack commenced across the country. Ballistic missile strikes began on naval bases, to crumble piers and destroy ships sitting in harbor. Bases not completely necessary for Borealis attacks were struck with AI-controlled drones and their runways turned to dust. Those in population centers looked overhead as fighters and bombers and drones danced to a horrifying symphony of destruction.
Very little of the CAF's military equipment survived the incursion. Hangars came crashing down in blankets of fire, engulfing planes. Vast complexes of buildings completely levelled, the vehicles stored inside vaporized.
The brunt of the attack was focused on Ottawa, with hundreds of planes descending on the city and reducing its streets and buildings to rubble with a barrage of airstrikes considered insane by any competent military commander. After air superiority was achieved, ground units entered the city and began to systematically clear buildings, including and especially government buildings and offices.
It became quite apparent, though, that the airstrikes had made quick work of everything. There was almost nothing left of the city, and if any occupants were left in the rubble, the elements would make quick work of them. Nobody was coming to save them.
Efrim visited the city not long after the attack. Borealis held a very tenuous military supremacy over the nation of Canada - to their advantage, they had the native tribes on their side to manage affairs at each corner of the nation, to their disadvantage, almost nobody in the country knew what was going on aside from the fact that Ottawa had ceased to exist. Canada had been taken, but it was time to prove it.
Borealis 2073
TL;DR Canada as we know it is gone, and has been taken over by a paramilitary eco-terrorist group known as Borealis. They currently have a military supremacy over the country by virtue of the fact that they have completely obliterated the Canadian military, levelled Ottawa, and have convinced most of the native tribes across the country to support them by promising an increased level of sovereignty over their land.
While Borealis is running the show, the real power lies with the native tribes who actually control the military forces needed to maintain it. With that in mind, Borealis in 2073 can be considered a kind of feudal military pseudo-autocracy.

• Name: Borealis
• Territory: IRL Canada, Alaska, North Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Iowa, Michigan, Indiana, Ohio, Kentucky
• Head of State: Efrim I Trudeau
• Government Type: Feudal Monarchy (Kinda)
• Economic Information:
  • GDP: $16,936,457,021,981
  • Population: 138,854,262

So I posted something similar to this on the AskTransgender subreddit hoping to get some advice. And in the last few days, I've started spiraling down a hole a lot, and I'm starting to question my identity as a person a lot too. I'd like some advice and help from others here who might feel similarly, or can tell me if how I'm feeling aligns with gender Dysphoria or not.
This is uh also a slight rant too BTW so it's long.
To preface this, I never once stopped to question if I'm a boy or girl growing up. It never bothered me at such an extent, and my personality wasnt too feminine or masculine for the most part I feel, maybe leaning towards more masculine. I liked boy things I liked sports, I liked action, I liked being rowdy, but I also liked being artsy, very caring towards those I live, I preferred just making friends with girls even at a very young age rather than either doing the whole 'Boys vs girls' thing and I never really cared about entering a relationship with one. And I used to always be able to socialise well with both men and women, there was never really a huge difference for me when I was younger. As I got older, I did begin to feel like an outcast but that’s more because I’m a lil weird and no one really vibed with me as everyone matured. But despite that, I never once stopped to question my personality and I was proud of that.
But I never thought of myself as a 'Boy' per se. I was aware I was one, I am still aware I am one right now. But I never really associated my gender with who I was as a person, to me it had no weight on who I was. It was more or less, just an accessory and felt seperate to me. And despite that, All my life I've resented taking pictures and doing video calls. Everytime I looked at mine I always was disturbed because the person I saw wasn't who aligned with my own perception of myself. Everytime I look into the mirror I almost have to stand there and convince myself 'That's me, that's who you are, you ain't that bad'.
There are defintely parts of me I don't like but if I'm being honest, I haven't ever had a vehement hatred of anything about myself. It's not that I consider myself ugly (I don't consider myself a conventionally attractive man. In fact I don't think I ever received a compliment for how I looked, not even family, only jokes and contempt. but it really never bothered me because I know everyone's got a type for something and I truly don't care how I look to other people, just how I look to myself) but it's the fact that the person I see in the mirror, the person I see in pictures and the person I see in video calls just, doesn't align with the person I envision myself as. Everytime I'm away from my my reflection or photo, I don't even know what I look like from memory, and I never envision my body alongside my inner self if that makes sense. And it's confusing it's really confusing for me. Because it's not that it has that dramatic of an effect on me because hey as long as I don't see myself then who cares, but it started to bother me after I started deciding to dress and style myself to try to form that connection. I'd grow out my hair more, try out my own clothes (all still masculine by the way, I never trudged my toes towards feminine clothing), but I just never was able to see who I envisioned. And what's more confusing is, I don't know if it's because of my body or my gender or if I'm over exaggerating it because of having unrealistic standards
But the kicker is that recently, I have had way too much time to myself. And because of all that time, I've done some introspection and I realised, I am someone who:

1. has never cared about their appearance/clothes, just threw on what was comfortable for the longest time. Because in the end I used to never feel like it looked good anyways.
   
2. has never cared about working on myself for others or how my overall face or body looks, because to me i never had a strong enough connection between me and my body to really care about how my body reflects me, because I always used to believe that 'oh my body doesn't represent my personality, people should look beyond it'.
   
3. has always hated photos, video calls, hell even reflections until recently. I built up the mantra over time that 'oh everyone looks bad in front of a camera' but sometimes it physically hurt to be reminded that how I look, is in no way reflective of how I feel.
   
4. realised now, I think I've been jealous of my female cousins (who I am incredibly close with) my whole life. I'm really similar to one of them and I always used to think 'if I was a girl, I'd prolly be like her', except she was much happier and appeared more confident in her attire and body, so I always wondered why I could never be like that. And I've always envied how they could rock their styles so awesomely (which, can I say what in the fuck why do women get a billion options and men get the same flavour of t-shirt and pants with different ranging colours from Navy, Grey and blue? ?), how they could freely experiment with their hair as much as they want, how it felt like they were more in tune to their body than I was in mine
   
5. has been able to disassociate myself from my body a LOT as a kid. I used to think I was doing this for fun, because it was such a weird experience when I was younger. But I used to dissacociate myself from my body a LOT, and I'd be able physically be able to discern myself from my body it felt like a true out of body experience. I never thought about this a lot as a kid, but recently I've started wondering if there's something more beyond that. Because I do have a seperate monologue, I dont associate my body with myself, everytime I look into the mirror there's a minor surprise of 'OH right, that's me' and I have been experiencing this a lot now recently, but out of my control. And come to think of it, I don't even know if I really feel connected to my body at all even during daily life. Because all of my memories feel out of body. Idk how to explain it fully im sorry
   
6. has had some fantasies I'm uncomfortable sharing but I will say, I've researched a bit and even read the Gender dysphoria bible, and I will say that there's a chance those fantasies might be indicative of something too.
   
7. never felt strongly about pronouns and feels like my gender is just an accessory. In fact I used to experiment and wonder when I was younger during covid in other discord servers (I was bored okay) how it would feel to just change my pronouns and act as NB or a girl or she/they, he/they etc. And all, all of them felt equal to me. I didn't mind being called any of them. I thought I'd get like a lil fun joke of 'hehehe I'm going undercover muahahaha' but I kinda enjoyed it at times it kinda felt nice not having a gender tied to myself. It's just me.
   
8. tends to prefer playing women in games. Not just video games, but even TTRPGS (Dnd my beloved). This isn't always the case, I do like to play as the guy sometimes too, and I used to always do it in pokemon games to feel like I was the trainer himself. But these are games I can't really control the design of. So, enter BG3 and DnD. Games largely built on this idea of creating your own custom characters to tell stories and inhibit fun personalities. So yeah anytime I actually got to make my own character in games like these, always women. Like once was it a man, but usually always women. Closest I really got was a shapeshifting genderfluid changling, who also preferred more feminine pysiques anyways. And before I get called out for 'Oh you just are attracted to the bodies of women that's why you like them' youd be partially right, but also all of my Dnd characters I built upon traits of myself, I like to insert a lil bit of me into all of them. And most of those traits I give to female characters because it just feels like it embodies them the best... It feels like it embodies these traits of mine the best.
   
9. I did used to think 'what if I was a girl' every now and then when I was younger up. In none of these thoughts did I imagine myself acting any more feminine than I do now, and never thought about sex change or relationships, but I did think about 'maybe I'd be more comfortable to be in a girls body, because then I'd be able to actually show myself through my hair, style, colours etc as opposed to this one'. Granted, my primary frame of reference was my cousins again. I would never change my personality, I think i actually would've enjoyed growing up as a girl but I dont think I'd act any less boyish than now, but I would feel more comfortable with my feminine traits too. And I'd be so comfortable exploring my style and fashion too. I'd go through them all, goth, street, tomboy, artsy, you name it id try it. And I'd defintely would experiment with my hair as much as I could too because oh my God you women have the most fun hair options ever and then guys just have 'short, short but skin fade, short but it's an inch longer so we call it long, short but it's to the side so it's different, bowl cut'
   
10. I live in the moment. I have diagnosed adhd and I'm starting to suspect maybe a little ASD too. Idk if this will be relevant in the slightest, but because of that I don't really stop a lot to think in the present, nor do I look into the past that much or think about my future too hard. Which has been a detriment to my life at times, and unsurprisingly it's one now, because I feel like all this time, I never really stopped to think about why I never felt that connection, and maybe if it's even normal for there not to be one. So I don't know if this has been a much deeper issue than I thought for years, and I truly an unable to understand how to plan my future with this.
    

And I thought this was just body Dysmorphia. Again I never hated my body outside of being shown it, and if I looked in a mirror long enough I could usually trick myself into liking it. But I used to be very fat, I used to have a really awful looking haircut, I have a huge ass nose and I have a shit ton of body hair that grows back so so fast (and I mean a lot of body hair I do not like it even as a dude), and I've never had clothes that gave off my style, always stuff my parents picked out.
But it can't, just be body Dysmorphia can it? I've taken steps to try to rectify these feelings so I've lost a lot of weight, I've grown out my hair to something I actually like, I've started to experiment with clothes i actually like more. And now when I look in the mirror I see.... A more attractive version of my body. No connection, no me. Just a more attractive version of my body. In fact the only feature that felt like me, was my long, messy, wavy hair, and it's actually the only part of myself I'm extremely particular of now, because it's the only thing I feel connected to. And it's weirdly, the only part the people around me want to change the most. Want to neaten it or shorten it etc.
And that's when I started to wonder. That's when I started to wonder why, after all that work, do I not feel that connection. Why do I still feel weird seeing photos of myself. Why have I started to wonder if I was always uncomfortable in my body, but never understood the reason why. Why is it, that I feel as though women are able to express themselves better than men ever could? Why is it that I feel envious of my cousins at times, despite loving them with all my heart? Why have I begun to wonder, if maybe, just maybe, there's a chance I'd have felt more myself, in a woman's body, than in a mans body.
IDK maybe this isnt a conventional experience that anyone shares, maybe this isn't Dysmorphia at all but I'm hoping to get some perspectives here. Because I don't think I hate being a boy all togrthrr. There are aspects I dislike, sure, but I never out right hated it. But I do feel a disconnect. Hell I don't even like the idea of face revealing to close online friends, not out of fear of being perceived as being ugly, but because I enjoyed being faceless so much since I could envision myself how I wish, without them having a vision of what I actually look like. I know they'd never judge me at all and my closest friends are trans too, so they'd of course would never judge me if I were to show them. But I just, enjoy not having to worry about my body not reflecting me.
Part of me has always thought 'What if I was a girl? What if I had less hair? What if I had a different body type as a boy? What if I had better fashion?would I feel the connection then? Is the connection even that important?' and it never helped that I don't even have any role models that represented me physically in anyway, and it doesn't help that when I try to imagine who I envision myself as now, I can't even decide on what to envision. I wish I had that body connection Because without it, it feels harder to want to show my personality through my body.
And that's the kicker now. I don't know if I wanna commit to either option either??? The ideas of HRT and obtaining a more feminine physique, face and hair sounds amazing. But I would be lying to you if I said I didn't like some aspects of being a boy too. I like the social ease of being a dude, I liked certain parts of me (I would never consider SRS, I like that part of me), I liked the strength and sometimes even my powerful frame and there are some times where I do actually feel comfortable expressing myself as a dude, and I do sometimes see myself in the mirror. but there are times where I think I would've preferred to have a woman's body, and to be able to explore all of the awesome fashion designs, to feel closer to my female friends, to be able to look directly in the mirror at my body and hopefully, see myself. Hell maybe ideally I woulda liked to be just androgynous because then that's pretty much the best of both worlds you’re able to present yourself however you want.
And that's my main fear. My main fear is that I don't know if I'm Cis with just a lotta issues to work through, Trans but too afraid to take the leap, or Bigendegenderfluid, because if I had shapeshifting powers or the ability to switch between genders at will, my God I would be so happy because I like both extremes, but as I am now I am way too masculine to even be able to switch genders to make myself see a female face (I wanna emphase myself because I do understand that you don’t need to pass to affirm yourself, however I'm very critical of myself passing because to me, gender has always seemed like an accessory. Not something that embodies you, but something that reflects you. So I don't want to end up giving myself more dysphoria if I end up failing to recognise myself more).
(This part is new, I just tried this out today) I did try wearing a bra for the first time to see how it felt, and if I’d get any sense of dysphoria or euphoria from it to see if maybe I am trans. But largely? I didn’t really feel anything. It didn’t feel joyous and euphoria but it also didn’t feel wrong, it just was a new interesting experience. So uh, still confused on what’s up then.
I'm so sorry that this became long as hell to read. I don't even think I worded it out half as precisely as I would've liked so I'll write a lil tldr.
TLDR: I don't know if I'm a dysphoric Cis male, a closeted Trans woman, genderfluid/bigender, or just insane at this point. And I'm scared that if I choose to explore outside of cis, I'll get more dysphoria
Any and all questions are welcome. I'd probably be able to explain myself more to one of yalls questions, than try to explain myself here anyways. I know no one can decide their gender but themselves, but I guess I want some perspectives and ideas on if this does relate to trans/genderfluid stories, or if maybe I do need to just do some more introspection.

An odd question, but also an odd situation I find myself in. I recently started a Lancer campaign, and my players have all been having a great time. All of them found frames they like, and I’m glad because that was my primary concern during character creation. For those unfamiliar with Lancer, frames are your mech chassis, all very unique and weird and wonderful. My party consists of 4 players, 3 of which have stuck with 1 frame for the entire game, and 1 who has switched 3 times. My party is a Barbarossa (enormous, armed with a ship-mountable rail gun), Pegasus (reality bender that fires a gun that doesn’t exist and a gun that randomly generates its stats each turn), Atlas (A human sized power armor suit that gives its wearer ninja agility, a zip line, and a harpoon rifle), and a Balor (a swarm of nanobots taking the shape of a robot, a swarm of angry metal bees that devour anything they attack).
The Balor player went through a few mechs before settling into his new chassis, but I think he’s in love. The imagery of a mech shedding fiery particles, eating swathes of infantry, regenerating as bullets harmlessly pierce the cloud, he can’t get enough.
Last session, things got a little out of hand. The player went on a very long tangent in the last 20ish minutes of game time. An NPC had expressed interest in digging around in the guts of the Pegasus to see what made it tick, and its player obliged, giving an opportunity to talk about his mech while also getting to know the NPC better. But then the Balor player got excited by all the mechanics talk, and started talking about how dangerous the Balor is. How if you combined 10 Balors into a giant swarm they could be sooo dangerous. Since the Balor is rumored to have consumed its own creator’s consciousness that now lives fragmented in every Balor, he imagined if he did this to himself, physically becoming a Balor and then being able to copy himself as an army. I basically just kept responding “Uh huh, that’d be cool.” while he kept going on. And I wouldn’t have bothered making this post, but it genuinely affected the session due to one player saying they needed to head out, meaning I didn’t end up having the time to give the other players their scene where they research the antagonist and build a companion. The entire ending of the session became a one player monologue where they gush about how cool their mech is.
I don’t want to stamp out the player’s love for their machine, but I also don’t want their excitement to steal the spotlight and turn the game into a rattling off mildly interesting hypotheticals. Obviously, communication is key, I haven’t raised this point to the player yet because I didn’t want to come off as harsh. I plan on talking to the player about it next time, and was just wondering about a tactful way to drive my point home.

Hey all,
I (22) am a (going into 2nd year) Electrical Apprentice really contemplating making the switch to Electrical Engineering.
I went to school for electrical engineering for about a year and it was the best time I’ve had learning about a topic. I had to leave however since the cost of going to school would be too expensive and I had no help paying for it and didn’t want to take out a loan.
So fast forward about it a year and a half and I got a job as an electrician apprentice (non union). I am fortunate to have a good position in my company as I am a JSA/lead. I like the work I do. I am not crazy about my company but I make the most out of it and am grateful for where I am. But, I feel like something is missing. I love working with my hands and am naturally very energetic, however, I feel as if I there is something missing and it’s that I miss that EE life. I love exercising my mind when working and I just don’t feel that stimulated when working. I know I’m only in my 1st going into 2nd year and troubleshooting might be later down the line. But there is just something about my heart that misses EE.
So I am thinking of going back to school. My ideal plan is to get a job doing some 2nd shift job doing some data work that pays more than what I am making currently (which isn’t a lot at all) and going to school during the day. Or finding a school that has night school for engineering courses and I could work during the day. I have worked while attending school full time and I’m used to it. My only drawback is I have a little doubt in my mind that the grass won’t be greener and that a couple of factors are influencing how I feel: 1. My company overall isn’t good to work for a pays us far below what others (even non union) get. 2. I see everyone graduating college and it makes me feel somewhat behind. 3. I have switched majors and career paths more than half a dozen times and it feels like I would be back to doing that.
So to conclude my monologue, I’m not sure what I want. Everyone I know that I would ask this to isn’t really in tune with the fields so I just get some variation of “do what you think is best.” I guess I am looking for some hard opinions. Either way.
Thank you for reading this long response.
TLDR: I went to school for engineering but left and am an electrician now I want to go back to school but have a few factors to consider.

—The death scenes of Marni, Alear, Zephia and Griss make me hate Lumera's death scene even more. Like, you DO know how to pace death scenes well... WHY IS LUMERA'S DEATH SCENE SO BADLY PACED!!! I even tried to rewatch it and try to justify it with "Oh, Lumera is bleeding out from her wounds technically, and bleeding out is actually very slow and protracted, so it's normal that her death scene is like that", but, besides not actually showing blood due to being PEGI 12 (In Europe) then Marni, Alear, Zephia and Griss get to "bleed out" and their deaths are quick and/or dramatic. Alear's death scene does suffer from the "monologuing too much" and I feel like her death monologue to Veyle could've been shorter (Like Marni's. Marni's death scene is actually the best death scene I've seen yet in Engage), but it's not "Dropped the Switch to get a snack and came back after eating the snack and the gurl kept monologuing" long, like Lumera's. Like, yeah, Zephia and Griss's deaths are slow, but the drama is well deserved and even justified in the case of Griss (He faked being dead so Alear wouldn't finish him off faster, which actually goes well with his characterization). Actually, Marni, Zephia and Griss's deaths make me want to buy the DLC just to be able to get their Fell Xenologue counterparts, I wish I hadn't got a patched Switch for two reasons: Vander being a Jagen and the Hounds not being recruitable.
—I wish that Veyle had slightly shorter hair, I thought at first that she had F!Alear length hair and the rest was a cape, but nope, all hair. It annoys me.
—Alear coming back as a corrupted was dope af, but I really wish they gave them fully red hair to distinguish them from their normal human counterpart.
—I also dislike how Alear's Colgate hair is definitive and her much better fully blue hair is her Super Saiyan-esque form.
—I like Mauvier. If only he had a moustache to give company to that Lincoln-esque beard, he would move past Vander in "Hesperia's Engage husbando tierlist", which only Vander, King Morion and Mauvier are part of.
—I really wish we had S supports of at least some key characters that aren't Alear. Mauvier x Veyle, even if it's platonic, is my favourite ship.
—Anna has really grown on me. I would never give her the Pact Ring, but she has grown on me.
—For the third time, I would want the Emblem bestie to change depending on the Bond levels that Alear has with their Emblems, my Alear has Bond Level 20 with Lucina and now that Marth's back it's like Lucina didn't exist besides "One of the other 11 Emblems".

~First~
Harriett The Spy AND HHH/Herbert’s Hundred Harem
They were comparing their stories about the weirder infiltration missions they’d gone on since they last spoke when there’s a knock on the door and it’s quickly opened before either can say anything.
“Sir? Ma’am? Update to the latest mess.” The Angla man says leaning in and holding out a folder. Harriett’s longer reach has her grab it.
“Good man, back to it soldier.” Herbert says as he hops off his chair. By the time the door is closed again he’s at Harriett’s side and standing on his tiptoes to read it over her elbow.
“Well... shit.” Harriett says as she sees the image of a gigantic slohb core with something clearly embedded in and infecting it. She reaches over to the flask and upends it to reveal the slightly larger than a pea piece of blood metal. A moment of compare and she curses again.
“Exactly what I was thinking. Where did she find it? Was it embedded deliberately? Some kind of experiment?” Herbert notes
“Hang on, let me turn the page.” Harriett tells him. “She found it and is reaching out to us because The Undaunted are one of the only powers she knows for a fact cannot be involved.”
“Alright, you just take a break. You got out of an infiltration like ten minutes ago. Have a snack. Relax, I need to prep a response to this.” Herbert says as he heads for the door. She follows.
“I’m no wilting flower. I know that Spire, have some infiltration experience there and friends as well. I can get you through the gang territories on the way down so we can help this poor woman.” Harriett says and Herbert nods.
“Alright then, you’re heading the mission. I’m going to scrape up all the support you need. So, what do you need?” Herbert asks.
“Several Doctors, at least one specializing in Xenobioology with at bare minimum a professional understanding of Slohb physiology. Several troopers that don’t mind cleaning and then standing guard. A transmutation Adept to re-purpose local materials for a sterile operating room to get that thing out of there and with sufficient skill to produce Null on demand finally a lack of interference from Centris authorities.” Harriett lists out and Herbert nods.
“Done, get started on your plan of movement. I’ll get it all ready.” Herbert promises her as they powerwalk through Intelligence and then Herbert dashes away as he calls to to people and barks orders. For the briefest of moments Harriett mentally compares him to a chihuahua but then realizes it falls short as this chihuahua can and will tear chunks out of things many many thousands of times it’s size. There’s a lot of bark yes, but the bite is exponentially worse.
She shakes herself out of the half second long reverie and gets moving again. She needs to draw up plans, review her notes for the area and plan a route all the way to the bottom of a spire, all the way down through nine levels where the gangs in power WILL be stopping the elevators to at least check the occupants and more than a few of them are stupid enough to stick a gun into the face of a soldier.
She normally doesn’t bother with the stupidity and madness of a bottom ten. Generally people that try hiding down there end up being shanked in the back alley by a bouncer after they tried to run out on the bill of whatever oiled up man-thong lounge they had spent half a fucking day in and racking up a bill large enough that Ticanped’s feathers would stand on end.
She had tracked a fucker down there five times in varying different disguises to find that exact scenario had played out. And that’s IF they survived long enough to get to the dickie bar. There was a different way of going around down there. Every square inch was basically gang territory by default, if you walk around like your shit doesn’t stink then you’re going to get it pushed in in the worst possible way.
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There is a silence that stretches through the last conversation. Learning that the games she had played had been loosely based on actual wars had disquieted All Lady a little.
“Look the Wolfenstein games were massive exaggerations from the word go. You know how it is. Get enough time between a tragedy and someone looking to tell a story and you’re soon going to find something like a bunch of psychopaths who can’t fall asleep unless it’s to the screams of the innocent or some mad scientist with an obsession for switching body parts around.” Jurgen says and All Lady lets out a huff of air. “By the way how hard is that to learn?”
“How hard is what?” She asks.
“Well, that sigh. The air came out of your mouth... but you have no throat, no lungs. The part I’m addressing may as well be the tip of your finger or something. How long did it take to learn to mimic air respiration and air movement to that extent?”
“Oh that?” All Lady asks before laughing a little. “Simple enough when you know how to talk, and I was budded off my father knowing how to make those noises. Not what they meant, but that’s what’s childhood’s for.”
“I see, so... all Slohbs are born knowing how to manipulate their bodies, but now why they would want to?”
“Well, we’re born knowing how to keep ourselves alive and move, and smart enough to learn. However finer control is something that comes later. A newly budded little Slohb is adorable but can only make very vague shapes. Very rounded ones too. But there are grand masters of the art, shifters so skilled they can alter their colour and put in so much detail that you have to touch them to tell they’re a slohb, and of course there are even rarer girls who can change their external texture. You need high end scanners to tell they’re not what they say they are.” All Lady says before looking around at the cavern of blue slime that is her being. “Old dreams. Dead on the alter of reality.”
“Says who?” Jurgen asks.
“Common sense?”
“Well, good thing it’s not all that common now isn’t it?” He asks in return and she looks at him oddly. “After all, it’s common sense that a human over nine feet tall is suffering from terrible glandular disorders and lives a miserable life.”
She smirks after a bit.
“Oh do you now? Oh poor baby!” She teases him.
“Oh yes, poor poor oversized me! After all, one can only be larger than six feet tall if they’re sick in some way.” He says and she laughs a touch.
“Jurgen, let her know we’ve already put together a team to come help her. She’ll need to unblock the entrances if we’re going to help.” His Handler says and he pauses and thinks.
“Is something wrong?” All Lady asks.
“Well, you wanted to know if the Undaunted reputation is deserved right?” He asks and she nods. “Well they’ve already put together a team and they’re on their way. They request that you unblock the way in.”
“What kind of team?” She asks.
“Buddy, what kind of team?” Jurgen asks his handler.
“Three doctors, five troopers, two with medical training an Adept and an Agent.”
“Copy that. Miss All Lady we have three doctors, five troopers with two of them medics, an Adept and an Agent inbound.”
“An Agent?”
“Highly skilled, highly informed and often deployed in the field. Our Agents are stealth operatives mostly. If one’s deployed, then they’re likely trying to get the team to you with as little fuss as possible. So nothing wrong happens.”
“And they’re coming now? But I haven’t actually asked for any help!” She protests and he shrugs.
“You clearly need it. Not to mention I heard my handler curse under his breath when we saw whatever it is that’s in your core. No doubt it’s something concerning.”
“What was the first hint? That it embedded itself into me despite my merely examining it or that it’s caused me to bud thousands of times without ever successfully splitting?”
“Wait, that thing embedded itself into you?”
“I... I said too much.”
“Ma’am whatever that thing is, it has my handler so worried he’s not volunteering the information at the first opportunity. Normally getting him to shut up is the trick, right now though? Dead silence.”
“We can’t risk this information being intercepted.” His Handler states.
“And now he says it’s so dangerous he won’t risk it being intercepted. So whatever happened to you is understood well enough by my people that we’re basically scared of it and scrambling to do something about it right away. The more we know, the better we can help you.” Jurgen says and she stares at him before everything quivers.
“It... it was seven years ago.” She says. “I was just exploring the bottom ten. Being... well... being who I was then. I was basically slinging myself around along the ceiling. I can move in ways you solids can’t. Stretch out, grab some thing or suction up against it. Really easy, fast and fun. Then I bumped into something, something hidden. It seemed so harmless at first. A little dead drop place, whatever, take a look into it. If it’s bad report it to someone, but leave it alone otherwise.”
“It didn’t work like that though, did it?” Jurgen asks.
“No... it was... strange. It looked like a circuit board but made of the strange metal. A bit of my gel ended up on one of the circuits as I was putting it back and... it wouldn’t let go. Then it pulled and before I could sever that bit... it was in me and I fell. The impact knocked me out cold and I don’t know. It may have killed me. I woke up with two extra bumps, one of them badly damaged and with the metal inside.”
“... Do you think that...”
“That I might not be me?” She asks. “Sometimes. It was I...”
The gel starts to shift before moving in a smooth flow. “I am in control. I am the master of my fate. I am all. All is me. I am the lady that is all.”
“The All Lady.” Jurgen finishes for her and she nods.
“Yes. I... even now I am budding far too fast, and the bud is not going to break away. This is unnatural, wrong and vile. It needs to stop.” She says.
“Tell her help is on the way. They’re at level fifty and closing fast.”
“Help is coming, level fifty and closing the distance.” Jurgen promises.
“Okay, okay... this is faster than I expected. Or wanted, but it needs to happen it... what is this going to cost me?” She asks.
“Just uncover the entrances. I highly doubt anyone will want anything more. You’ve been through enough.” Jurgen says and after a moment he can hear things in the distance.
“Your teammates are reporting that the path out is clear now.” His Handler says.
“Alright then. Ready to go out and meet the doctors?” Jurgen asks reaching out his hand and after a short while a gel hand finds it’s way to his.
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The elevator stops prematurely and is forced open from the other side.
“Well hello there now what are you little fish...” A snict woman begins to monologue as she forces the elevator door open and stops as she finds herself staring down a dozen high powered weapons. Harriett reaches a hand out and pushes her back and out of the way of the door before pressing the closed door button.
“We’re about to get another of those aren’t we ma’am?”
“Every fucking level down. The bottom ten of Xiona are a textbook no-man’s land and the reason for level one being off limits is who we’re out to help.”
“This job sometimes...” One of the Doctors notes.
“The hell did you expect?”
“Not an emergency surgery of an alien blob monster in the middle of gang territory.” The Doctor replies.
“Well jokes on you, you came from Earth to keep soldiers alive and study aliens. Well here’s an exotic alien metal, poisoning an alien woman. Let’s work with it.” Harriett states.
“I understand, I just don’t like it.” The Doctor replies.
“Why the hell were you placed on this team?”
“Because Doctor Gin here has point blank pulled of borderline miracles in the past. He just likes to complain.” Another Doctor says and Gin turns to give him the stink eye.
“Of course I’m complaining! Do you have any idea what can go wrong? I do! It’s horrifying! Not only is this a Slohb, a species with one of the most dense physical forms there are once you move past the falseness that is the gel they control. But not only that, this is a Slohb that has been poisoned by the item we’re extracting and may have created chemical or Axiom imbalances in her system that could kill her when the substance is removed! Going cold turkey on anything hurts for a reason people! To say nothing of the fact that the surgery chamber is going to be improvised and in the middle of potentially hostile territory and the patient is enormous to such a degree that she is potentially the biggest member of her species to ever exist! And in addition we are...”
“We get it.”
“Oh no, this last point is the most important. Because we are going to be operating under the effects of Null. Which while harmless to the vast, vast majority of this group, will still have effects on you Agent and on the Titan that the patient is bonding with. And that’s not even touching on the fact that Slohbs, which I remind you, is the species of the patient. That Slohbs have one of the fastest kill times in Null at three and a half minutes at absolute maximum! Meaning we have two hundred and ten seconds AT MOST to save this poor woman’s life without taking it ourselves! More likely we will only have a hundred and twenty to keep her in the safe zone, TWO MINUTES TO OPERATE!” He rants before huffing a bit and then slicking his hair back again. “So as you can imagine, I’m a little stressed.”
“Backing out?”
“Of course not. I don’t trust anyone else to do this right the first time. I’m just making sure you’re aware that no matter how easy I make this look that it is in fact, very very hard.” Doctor Gin says as he squares his shoulders and steels his expression. He along with everyone else then pull out their weapons as the elevator is stopped early again and this time there’s not even a monologue as the Horchka gang that opened the door simply raise their eyebrows, and then one reaches in to press the door closed button to send them on their way.
~First~ Last Next

We have much discussed how Colin has long loved Pen before S3, and that those feelings of love are not new. Instead, what happens is his evolution from protective, familial-like love for her to a protective, possessive, romantic love, and being able to articulate those feelings he has for her to himself.
When she tries to flirt with the group of lords during promenading and utterly fails, he feels bad for her — but it’s the same older-brother-like sympathy he shows in S1E1 when Cressida spills her drink on Pen and he asks her to dance. It’s protective, familial love — a feeling that is familiar to him but as a family feeling.
He articulates his familial protective feelings in the “you are special to me” dance at the end of S2 when she thanks him for looking out for her family, and he says he’ll always look out for her. And he articulates it again in the “I missed you” conversation for episode 1.
He’s able to verbalize this and act on it — by telling her he can’t stand to see her upset and proposing the lessons — because he’s long since articulated this to himself. He defends his lessons by saying that she has no male relatives to look out for her, so he clearly sees and articulates himself as being in/stepping into that role of fathebrother protector.
When he encourages her to flirt with a lord in order to read his journal, he still thinks he’s being the doting older brother who’s promising his sister a treat for doing something that’s good for her. Then he sees her touch the dead horse lord’s arm and he starts to tweak a little. Yet, is still “normal Colin” enough to make a joke about galloping along. (A Colin making silly jokes is genuine, comfortable Colin — Violet makes it clear in their conversation after he proposes to Marina that a serious Colin is a Colin to be concerned about. We see that again when she’s deeply concerned about Emo Colin in ep 3 and 4.)
I think he starts having the protective romantic feelings stronger, without realizing that’s what they are — jealously being the first — when he sees Pen talking to Lord Remington and then hears that he will call on her. (I can’t recall if he observes Pen’s first conversation with Debling; guess I have to rewatch and edit, oh poor me.) We have to remember that he’s never seen anyone go after Pen so these feelings are completely new to him.
These incidents provoke a protective love feeling but for the first time it’s a possessive protective love. This confuses the shit out of him, as he’s never felt this before. (With Marina, I’d argue the love he thinks he feels for her is a protective familial love; he says in their last conversation that he wouldn’t have minded raising the child if she’d just told him. While it’s our typical sweet, duty-to-family Colin, it also shows a lack of romantic possessiveness over her.) He can articulate he feels protective of Pen — back to Cousin Jack — but he has not felt like he is the only one who deserves to possess her. He has long been a protector of her but not the protector of her. THIS confuses him because he’s long felt protective of her but not in this way.
(A sidebar: For Colin, the heart is always way ahead of the brain, but the brain needs to be 110% caught up before verbalization can happen.
My dude’s on a serious time delay when it comes to being able to articulate his feelings, and he has to be able to fully articulate his feelings internally before he can speak them. [Sidebar within a sidebar: I wonder if this is why he goes from talking non-stop about his travels upon returning in S2 to barely talking about them at all in S3, as evinced from his conversation with Benedict. He hasn’t processed the feelings from his travels yet. Even when he can write feelings on paper, it doesn’t mean he intellectually comprehends them yet.]
I think this is also why we see him bumbling so much in ep 2 and 3 - he hasn’t wrapped his head around his feelings yet, doesn’t have the words clearly spelled out in his head, and that massive gap between head and heart is what he articulates as “confounding.”
Colin is not one to work things out aloud. He is the opposite of a verbal professor. Again back to the end of S2, with the Cousin Jack rubies, he said he’d been practicing the speech for hours. When he’s in the carriage, he says it’s what he’s wanted to say to her for weeks. He needs to have every word completely clear in his head before he’s able to speak it and act.)
He is not able to articulate this shift in protective to possessive to himself immediately. Even after he starts to feel the possessive feelings, he has made minimal connection with the physical component of romantic love, as he’s still able to visit the brothel and enjoy it early in episode 2. Him leaving “early” is a clear sign of the shift starting to happen.
He articulates that he feels protective of her feelings in the garden bench scene (“the deal”) in ep 1. And it’s that same protectiveness of her feelings — he thinks — that drives him to check on her at night in ep 2.
From the TV show, we can’t know how he feels going into the kiss. The books apparently give a bit of internal monologue, but we have none of that here. My sense is that when she asks for the kiss, the first feeling that’s stirred up is the familiar pitying-protectiveness feeling and him knowing he is unable to see her upset, but not a romantic feeling. THAT’S why he can act on it — THAT feeling is fully articulated and understood in his brain. He caresses her face in a doting, caring way — again, the way one might caress a family member’s face if they’re upset (of course, without going in to kiss them after. Work with me here.)
They have the first kiss, and his heart and body bloom in that moment — you can see by the way he keeps his head and nose close after. He melts. I always notice that for the first kiss, she goes up to meet him, but for the second one, it comes about after he holds his head close and then dives in again. His heart knows it at this point. In the kiss, he switches from feeling protective love to romantic love.
It strikes me that he’s able to act on that love before verbalizing it. He goes for the second, more passionate kiss — but then stands there in stunned silence.
And we all know that he’s a goner after that. Of course the Colin Time Delay kicks in and he needs to be able to get the message from heart to brain, but there’s no doubt at that point that his body — physically and emotionally — realizes he is in romantic love with Pen at that point.
(Sidebar 2: I also think this confuses non-Polinators because so often “falling in love” is portrayed as sexual desire first and then emotional connection, especially on this show. Sure there’s flirtation and connection and banter, but it’s a lot of overtly physical clues and physical chemistry first, and then after that the guy realizes, oh shit I have feelings too. The society balls are basically Ye Olde Nightclubbe where guys are hungry and looking for a snack, and sexual desire comes first. By contrast, we have evidence that Colin experiences deep emotional connection and protection of her from the very first episode. They have a literal physical connection through dancing but the striking thing about that scene is not the act of dancing — typically the hallmark of courtship in Bridgerton world — but the fact that it is brought about by his protectiveness of her being sparked and that they laugh the whole time. (Jovial Colin = genuine Colin!) The first time he gives her a look that’s more than friendly or familial is the long look after “what a barb” later in S1 — there’s admiration in there, but of a surprised, “damn, this woman is more than I thought.”)
It isn’t until the balloon scene that the feelings of protective love and possessive love fully, overwhelmingly become present at the same time for him — but exist along side one another, unmerged. He physically protects her as a male family member would at the same time as he sees her with Debling, triggering the romantic possessive protectiveness at the exact same time. (Without Colin, both of them would have been crushed — nice try protecting her, Debsie.) We don’t have a clear shot of him seeing Debling slide in, but given how his turmoil goes into overdrive after that scene, I think he does.
When he’s sitting pensively in the study during the ball where Debling is to propose, the candle going out tells him time is literally slipping away and he’s run out of time to protect her from making a mistake. His brothers have interceded in a questionable engagement many a times, after all. And then he sees her dancing with Debling from the side of the dance floor and puffs his plumeage out in a way that makes me wish they’d put more ruffles on him. He marches in and explains she’s making a mistake — protectiveness. But still, not quite able to articulate his own romantic feelings. This upsets her, and that triggers his heart, and he knows he’s about to lose her, and spurs him to action. He runs to the carriage. He gets in, perhaps still a little bit unable to articulate how he feels — after all, he has to know, with emphasis, whether Debling proposed. This emphasis on know strikes me each time because it shows the importance of cognition for Colin. He starts again to try to articulate himself, and sputters a bit as he has before, but this time, there is no one there to interrupt him, and he has to dive in, head first.

20F, 130lbs, 5’9- Diagnoses- Bipolar disorder, congenital fusion of the C4&C5 vertebrae in the neck, Chronic severe pain in the entire spine, amenorrhea, shoulder instability with voluntary dislocations (my shoulders naturally rest out of socket, and i can wiggle them in and out of the joint, never really caused issues until now)
Medications- (not taking them since Nov though) Prescribed Lamictdol, Wellbutrin, Sertraline
Substances: Electronic Nicotine, some drug use (i like to say that i ‘medicated myself’ with low doses of crystal, once or twice am and the same amount at lunch and pm, but i haven’t smoked for about a week)
Family Histories: heart disease, lung liver and kidney failure, high BP, Diabetes, ovarian cancer, ovarian cysts, breast cancer
Basically…. Just what is wrong with me?
•••••
Im not really sure where to start, but im thinking that the CHRONIC stress i’ve been under for the last 4-5 years is worth mentioning. And when i say chronic I mean.. day after day for years. I, while under the care of my only custodial parent, moved out of 3 states, been homeless at least twice, and have been in and out of contact for almost 5 years.
We originally moved away from our stable home because i called her out for being on meth and being with a child molester. She got crazy paranoid and packed all 3 of us (and my dog) into a minivan. We almost crashed too many times, and stopped at too many sketchy places, but she drove us to another state in the middle of the night with no where to go. Me and her Bf nearly fought several times, weapons involved. We lived in the van for 2 nights before she drove us to ANOTHER state and dropped me off with the man i knew as “sperm donor”. Hadn’t seen him since i was 3, or 4. She left me and the dog there.
Flashback to 2019/2020, moved in with dad, proved to be a trustworthy daughter, watched my dad play cops n robbers in real life, was taught how to be his getaway driver, was Stockholm’ed by and r@ped by him until 2022 when i ‘woke up’ and got out, via contacting my mom. I moved back in to my grandmothers house, except it was a tiny little shed.. from walmart. that i built.
its the end of 2022 and immediately after getting to a safe place i feel the pain growing in my shoulders and chest. in February of 2023 i get a job, get spiritual af, have a mini awakening and start having massive panic attacks at work, and during the busiest hours. it got to the point that i couldn’t even handle the idea of getting ready for work. So i quit. and then spent the entire summer of 2023 rotting in my bed. Ignoring any sicknesses, having nightmares and literal heart attack symptoms and sensations. Mold exposure from weather and food, gained weight, and started recognizing POTS symptoms. Got super depressed. Starting in September, i slept every day away. literally sleeping for 3 days, not eating not having any social interaction this entire year, self harming.
And now, in the past 4 months my weight has dropped rapidly. In December of 2023, I started babysitting. Two young boys who are now my step kids ;) (who are absolutely tony terrorists with behavior issues)
i weighed 220 pounds in NovembeDecember. I was overweight, but starving myself. I was eating less than 700 calories in 2 days, because i thought it made me look better, and i thought that the boys needed to eat all the food, i shouldn’t have any.. I still am, but have now started my own little food therapy routine, with the help of my husband.
In around March of this year, i had a seriously scary cognitive episode. it lasted maybe 3 weeks, and consumed my entire life. Ive always had an internal monologue that i can HEAR, but during that episode it was like it was shut off, or muted. I had what i called an invisible train of thought, i didn’t know what i was thinking until it came out of my mouth. i had nothing going on upstairs but i was on autopilot. That episode came with lethargy, fatigue, anxiety, hallucinations, migraines, poor concentration. After this episode i just haven’t been the same.
Because of the sudden switch in lifestyle, Im wondering if i shocked my nervous system, or maybe just had an adverse reaction to stress?
I’ve noticed a massive increase in physical symptoms.
-Symptoms include— ——(tell me rn why my boobs went from a DD cup, TO NOT EVEN FITTING INTO A A CUP.) •maculopopular rash, fleeting AND persistent •facial flushing with hOT to the touch rashness • Hot red flat rash all over my arms and chest •(Also just now i couldnt remember if i am 19, or 20, and had to ask my husband) •severe lower back pain • shoulder instability, now also experiencing what feels like my shoulder blade grinding againsts my ribs, click click clicking over each rib.. •nearly no fat or muscle in my hips to protect them so they’re re just in pain •2 failed implantations which felt like giving fucking birth when i passed them, and i also bled for a week after •rapid heart beat •pounding head sensation •sick to my stomach constantly •fatigue, im so fucking tired •i cant even handle a small amount of stress before i start hyperventilating •roughly every two weeks my back goes out, and i cant hardly move without it feeling like my spine is crumbling up into tiny little spurs that just stab stab stab

So for a while now (3 years?) I've kept asking myself the question, "Am I plural/am I a system?" Usually the question is triggered by talking to people who are or seeing it mentioned in a video or something. That then triggers anxiety and near panic at the idea of having another thing to come to terms with/ deal with about myself. (For context I'm AuDHD, officially diagnosed if it matters, and a trans woman, plus I got a whole host of other health issues.) Then I do research and end up relating to some stuff but not most of it and just end up confused and unsure in the end.
Anyway here's some reasons I think I could possibly be plural:
-Intense internal dialogue, like I don't feel entirely in control of the conversation but I don't entirely feel unable to control the conversation
-internal dialogue is just as frequent as internal monologue
-sometimes I feel like 2-4 people meshed into one person and trying to agree with each other
-the intense anxiety and panic I get when thinking about this is identical to what I felt when first considering I was trans
-Saying "we" in my head feels natural. And I say it unconsciously out loud a lot and immediately correct myself.
-I do contradict myself, but only I notice. Like sometimes I'm super passionate about an opinion or preference and then I'm just not at all a few days or even hours later, then I am again after that.
-Emotions are wildly inconsistent for me to experience, sometimes I straight up feel nothing or feel so intensely I want to scream.
-Playing off of this is the fact that if I’m experiencing emotional or sensory overstimulation I can sometimes involuntarily switch back to acting normal without much notice or intent. But not all the time, sometimes I am just shut down for hours.
-Outside of normal dysphoria, mirrors are weird. Like I'm always looking at someone else, never myself. Looking into my own eyes feels as disconnected as looking into another person's.
-Am I a lesbian? Am I aroace? Am I bi? Am I demi? The answers to all these questions can be yes depending on the day, but my usual claim is that I'm a lesbian.
-The second and conscious version of myself exists at the same time as me and is the one I talk to the most. Minor discrepancies in belief and preference may be expalined by this. But I can't fully separate the two of us. All I know is we talk and argue a lot and sometimes it feels like 3 or 4 of us, but usually just 2, or possibly 1.5, but idk if I ever truly feel alone in my head.
-She also sorta transitioned with me. Like she's always been this "imaginary" other me so she also used to be a guy, but her "deadname" doesn't feel like one since I created it in the first place.
-Me in 2012-2019 and me now feel like completely different people, except that "me" still exists as intrusive thoughts in my head and he's the person I see in the mirror. Except when he looked in the mirror he didn't see himself either. But I remember everything that happened to him and what led me from being him to being me is coherent in my head. I'd write it all off as growing and changing as a person, but I can't quite shake the feeling that there's more. Like he feels like he exists still, but lacks agency besides intrusive thoughts and the ability to look at me in the mirror.
-I dissociate a lot. Like I just miss what people are saying and zone out. Now obviously ADHD can pretty effectively explain this, but idk.

• I don't have any missing memories or large blank spots, 2019 is a bit blurry but that's as close as I come. In fact I remember all my trauma quite vividly. So it's kinda imposter syndrome right? Or guilt over feeling like I'm trivializing something people actually struggle with, idk.

-The me who wrote this and the me who read this back don't feel entirely the same. Like I remember writing the words and why, and writing this bit right now feels the same as the rest, but when I go back and read it it feels like a different version/part of me. This happens with almost all of my writing. Including something as simple as DMs and texts.
Idk if any of this made sense to anyone but me. Sorry it was so long.

First_Previous_Next_Royal Road
Somehow I feel like, I need to get rid of unlucky chapter 13 before tomorrow. So here it is, hope you enjoy.
Edit: Formating
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The next duels went as expected, but you could see the exhaustion from the day before on almost all the contestants, as their magic regeneration hadn´t been able to replenish all of it. Expect it seems for Ranbor who destroyed his opponent with overwhelming firepower, showing no sign of any kind of exhaustion or even reducing his energy output, and Mor slowly got scared of that much power.
°Something is up!° The human said.
°Yes, I think so too, but there is no technique or potion, that could replenish that kind of power in such a short duration.° Mor explained.
°I have a bad feeling about this.° The human said.
Mor´s next fight was against another higher noble, but at least none of Ranbors flunkies, and in true noble fashion he just stood there relying purely on his magic power.
°Well, if he wants to be like that, I will not complain.° The human stated and Mor agreed with a chuckle.
Mor dodged the first attack and retaliated with a "Rock throw" of himself, which got blocked by an earth thorn of the noble. Mor was surprised for just a second, as the noble smiled, making a multi-thorn attack on Mor.
The dodge was a close one, and again his robe was damaged, this time luckily without completely shredding it.
°He doesn´t take this seriously at all!° The human complained. °Time to step up our game, and show him why this is a bad idea. Time for spray and pray!° The human added and Mor grinned.
The noble looked confused for a second at this commoner's behavior, and then a hail of twenty rocks, flew from Mor starting a quick barrage. The noble tried to block this onslaught but had to throw himself to the ground cursing to not get hit. Mor laughed.
°Five rocks left.° The human informed Mor.
°Time to end this quickly.° Mor said, channeling enhancement magic for his legs again and closed the distance in a mad sprint, almost running fully into a quickly set up stone lance. He could reduce his speed somewhat, but still took a hit to his stomach and fell to the ground gasping.
The noble smiled, assured of his victory.
"That´s what you get for underestimating someone of noble descent, be proud that you lost so someone as great as me. No matter how hard you train, you will never reach someone of noble descent!" The noble said.
°Is he really holding a monologue now?° The human exclaimed surprised.
°Seems like it, still that blow hurt!° Mor agreed still groaning from the hit.
°Is he stupid? We only get more time to recover!° The human complained.
°Be thankful for this, or we would have lost right now. Any other of the soul-kin would be knocked out cold from this, our physical training once again proves very handy.° Mor answered and took hold of another rock.
°Why are nobles all this prideful and stupid... Takes out all the fun of this.° The human complained further and Mor slowly got on his knees.
"I see you still have not enough commoner, so let me teach you another lesson." The noble said haughty and then fell over like a sack of potatoes as Mors magically accelerated stone and hit directly on the chin.
°Ow, that must have really hurt.° The human said, and if they had still a body they would have whinced.
°I couldn´t aim better, with the time I had.° Mor complained.
°Yeah, I know, good thing there is healing magic if not he would only get liquid food for a long time.° The human answered.
°Well one more win, in the bag. How many are left?° The human asked and Mor answered.
°We are now under the top 50, so probably four to five rounds?°
With a bit of pain, on the now bruising spot, Mor limped back to his waiting room and was led by a teacher back to the stands, where he crumpled exhausted into his seat, trying to get in a quick nap.
"Excuse me? Could we switch seats?" A voice asked, but Mor was too exhausted to even open his eyes.
"Yes of course!" came the reply and Mor was relieved, that the question was not directed at him.
Suddenly a warmth flowed into his body, reducing the pain and getting rid of the nausea, that had plagued him, he slowly opened his eyes and looked into the face of Clare, concentrating on a healing spell.
"What are you doing?" Mor sat up from his "lounging" position.
"Healing you, that hit must have really hurt, but you did very well." She answered him with a bright smile.
"Thank you." Mor said and wondered why the human stayed still at this interaction.
"No problem, just rest, I´m rooting for your win." She answered, and Mor drifted back to a resting nap.
She wouldn´t be able to replenish his energy, but he didn´t use that much and if he didn´t need to get rid of the wounds, before the next round, it would in the long run save him energy.
°Good, we didn´t use healing magic ourselves and rather tried to power through the pain, in case the hurt was not incapacitating for the next round.° The human's comment was the last Mor heard before blackness took him.
Ranbor was in good spirits, his second duel was an overwhelming victory and the blow the peasant caught with his stomach was just plain funny to him. Still, his next round was coming up and he strode to the waiting room without waiting for a teacher to get him, which got him into some trouble, but he gracefully ignored it. As his next round started Ranbor reached deep into his reservoir and ended it again with overwhelming fire. He loved the power he could channel, he was unbeatable even the Sapphire girl had been no match for him, his fiery soul burning with pride. Now he only had to wait until the peasant dropped out or better get to the finale and then be burned to a crisp by him. Yes, today was a good day.
After the third round, more students just dropped out, because they were too exhausted, even when they won. Leaving only about twenty more contestants in the tournament. As Mor got ready for his next fight, feeling much better thanks to Clare healing him the human informed him of Ranbors fight. °He seems to have a limitless supply of energy when using his fire spells, which is scary.° Still they had no more time to ponder all of this, as they were ushered into the Arena.
°Remember, we could not replenish our stones, so only four left.° The human reminded Mor.
°That means we have to take our throws carefully.° Mor said, when they entered the sandy ground their opponent was already waiting.
°Who´s that? He looks so self-assured.° The human asked and
Mor shrugged °I don´t know, again someone from a different class?°
°I always forget you are a friendless recluse, why do I even bother asking anymore?° The human complained.
°I don´t know why you are unable to learn, maybe you are an idiot?° Mor offered in jest and got a sigh from the human in return
°Seems like it...°
Strangely their opponent came towards them, offering up his hand and Mor shook it surprised.
"I looked forward to meeting you Mor Agaton." He said, "I´m Orth of the Obsidian family."
Mor just looked shocked, another high noble? "It is a pleasure for me to, your lordship."
He offered and Orth laughed heartily "Don´t worry about the formality. I´m a big fan of the black knight, so it would be great if we could be friends after this."
Mor looked even more confused, he began to ask who the black knight would be, but the starting gong interrupted him.
"Well let´s do our best!" Orth told Mor and walked back to his side of the Arena.
°What was that?° The human asked, and Mor shrugged.
°Do you know anyone with the title black knight?° The human questioned further and Mor shrugged again.
°Really why do I even ask you...?°
As Orth was in position again, he gave Mor a nod, and again the fight was on. Mor instantly opened up with a "Rock throw" to get in an early hit, which he did, but without any effect, as Orth was instantly protected by an Armor of stone.
°Holy shit, that is cool!° The human exclaimed
°Yes, but what do we do about it? Our stones will do nothing against that!° Mor complained.
°Yeah, we had an error in our strategy, we didn´t plan to get paired up with someone who could do shit like that.° The human agreed.
°Well, let´s keep moving looking for an opening! Nothing else to do.° The human said and they exploded into movement.
As they circled the armored mage, he turned with them and suddenly moved on his own, cutting off their path and letting his giant stony fist slam towards them.
Skidding on his knees, Mor evaded that hit just so, and even got in a quick water spell to damage the armor, which did jack shit. Jumping on his feet again and starting to run again, Mor gained some distance using a wind cut spell next, which at least nicked the stone armor but not penetrated.
°Yes, that´s the way to go, keep our distance and fire this wind magic.° The human said, then the Armor of Orth just repaired the damage.
°Shit° both Mor and the human said simultaneously.
That way the fight went on Mor tried to keep his distance, and using the Air spell as fast as he could, and Orth just shrugging off the damage and trying to smash him into the ground with his Armored fists.
°How is he so fast? That armor should make him a standing target!° The human asked
°He is moving it with his magic of course! Don´t look at it like it is some sort of clothing!° Mor said.
°So it is some kind of Mecha? That´s so cool!° The human said and got a confused °Mecha?° as an answer.
°Not important right now. We need to somehow break through it!° The human told Mor
°And how? We can´t cast any strong enough spell!° Mor asked, and the human came up short.
°Desperate attack? Just pump as much juice as you can into body enhancement and we try it with a fist?° The human put forth and Mor whinced.
°We have no alternative left, but that. Still, I hate it.° Mor complained, but skidded to a halt in his running, turning around and dashing towards Orth, who stopped for a second in surprise. Mor shouted as his fist connected with the stone armor of Orth, using as much power as he could, slowly cracks forming on the stone around his fist and finally breaking, Orth letting out a gasp.
°Serious punch!° The human shouted.

This is going to be a long one. For context, I (24F) have gotten out of an abusive long-term relationship about 6 months ago. I have been going to therapy, reading self-help books, listening to healing psychology podcasts and podcasts about dating. Since then, I think the improvement I’ve made on myself is remarkable and I am incredibly proud of myself.
I am now at the place where I can say I feel comfortable getting back out there. I had a brief “situationship” with a guy who we really hit it off, however he wasn’t fully over his ex, and I ended up calling it off. That he really been my only interaction with “dating” within the last 6 months.
Because of the major breakup, I have had to take up 2 jobs in order to pay for all of my bills. I am not in the place financially where I can be going out in order to meet people, so it hasn’t really been a priority of mine. That being said, I also don’t have a lot of spare time for dating either what with working 60 hours a week.
It’s been a year now that I’ve been working retail at my second job. It’s a department store and I’ve made a few new friends along the way. I do enjoy working there although it can be stressful at times. My main responsibility is folding clothes, cleaning out the fitting room, running register when we get really busy, and helping out in electronics. My department in the store is by far the most unorganized, which as I mentioned, can be stressful the fact that we are constantly behind. But I’m also the type of person I get a sense of satisfaction knowing that I do my job well and better than anyone else in my department.
Along with the friends I’ve made, there’s also a guy (22M) who I’ve had a crush on since he started about 7-8 months ago. At first I didn’t think anything of it, he seemed out of my league. He is incredibly attractive, 6ft tall, gorgeous dark brown skin, with an overall nerdy yet outgoing personality that I can’t quite put my finger on. Let’s call him L.
His first day, I struck up a conversation with L asking about what he did before working at our store, he told me he’s a computer science major, blah blah blah. It was a simple conversation but it felt like there was something there, a spark as cliche as it sounds. However after that, all of our conversations were brief, typically one word exchanges. I would try to ask him questions usually to no avail, just a simple “yeah”, or “no” response. I took the hint of “okay, he just doesn’t seem interested, I’ll drop it.” We’ve always exchanged pleasantries, and I still always found him extremely attractive, talking to my friends about the things I would like to do to him (LOL).
About 2 months ago, I was having a conversation with my boss about a video game while L was nearby. My boss says something along the lines of “L also plays that game!” and somehow we got onto the topic of exchanging steam and discord accounts. He said he didn’t remember his users at the time, and kind of brushed it off. Later that day I made the bold/out of the ordinary decision to ask him for his phone number. He seemed a little off put when I asked him, his response being “oh…okay yeah”. I didn’t really have any expectations of it going anywhere, however he was a completely different person through text. Like I mentioned earlier, in person was a series of one word answers and awkward silences, but through text he was sending paragraphs and we had really pleasant and deep conversations about philosophical stuff, etc.
I was seeing the “situationship” guy I mentioned at the beginning throughout the entire course that I was texting L. Although I had a crush on L, we just didn’t have the same emotional connection that I had with the situationship guy. Because of that, I just didn’t really see anything happening with him. At some point, L had asked me to come over to his apartment to watch a movie with him. With me seeing the other guy, I made it a point to make sure I was only acting as a friend towards L. We had a nice time, and then I went home. We went out to dinner 2 weeks later, and again it was a nice time and I went home, strictly platonic. I learned a lot about him during these times; I think he may be on the spectrum which I believe is partially why he had a hard time communicating with me while at work. He is very methodical, gets hyper fixated on things that he’s passionate about, will monologue for hours about the things he’s interested in, doesn’t like changes in his routines, struggles to understand social cues and sarcasm, etc.
It was at this point I broke things off with the situationship guy because he was still hung up on his ex and was using me to fill that void. About a week later, L invited me over to watch the sequel to the movie we watched originally. I didn’t have to worry about acting platonic with him anymore seeing as I wasn’t involved with anyone else, but I was also too shy to make any moves. Looking back, I really wish I had. We watched the movie, talked for hours, and he had us play the game “we’re not really strangers.” At some point during the game, one of the cards prompted him to confess something to me, to which he replied “I really like you…” I asked him “in what way?” And he said “in a romantic way.” This was a bit of a shock to me, because, yes I had a feeling that he felt the same way about me, but I thought I was just being delusional and that it was all in my head. I also learned playing the game that he is a virgin and has never had any experiences with a girl, not even a kiss, not even hand holding. At the end of the game, both players are supposed to write a note to the other, but you are not allowed to read it until you’ve both gone home. His note to me read (paraphrasing) that I’m a really cool person and he would be interested in pursuing something casual with me.
Upon us communicating more about it, it sounds like he is looking for a friends with benefits as he is not really ready to “settle down” and also just doesn’t have the experience to know what he is looking for. He was super upfront and honest about his expectations, which I really appreciate him not leading me on like the situationship guy. I was still hurting from that experience so I wasn’t prepared for a full blown relationship either. It sounded like everything was in alignment, and that was when it all started going downhill.
At this point, everything was still completely hypothetical and in the air, when L received a promotion at our job. He is now my direct superior, which obviously is a no-no. Upon hearing the news that L would now be my direct superior, he panicked and told the store director that we had been seeing each other (which isn’t entirely true, we had watched the movies a couple times and went out to dinner once, but nothing had happened.) The store director told him we either have to agree to stop seeing each other, or I have to switch to a different department of the store, and also that she would need to have a discussion with me. He realized he fucked up by not talking to me about it first, so he owned up and asked the store director if he could be the one to break it to me first before she spoke with me, so I wasn’t being blind sided.
He is very accountable and apologetic for the entire situation, seeing as he was the one who put me in it, which I find admirable and really appreciate. Nonetheless though, I now have to decide: do I want to break off all contact with L and stay in my department where I get a lot of stress but overall satisfaction, or if I choose to continue seeing him, I will have to change my department to stocking, which is a much faster paced, more boring job. There is no creativity or free will like with my current department. I get to choose, okay does this look good together? How can I make this display look better? Where as stocking is just, you see the numbers and you put them on the shelf. I have done stocking before, and I can’t say that I hate it, but to be fair those days would only be one shift out of 30+ days at a time? I’m the kind of person who likes something different to do, something to break up the routine.
L has made it clear that he does not feel comfortable with going on a date/doing anything physical or sexual until AFTER I’ve made my decision, because he doesn’t want to risk losing his job. Which I understand and can respect. But it makes my situation all that much more difficult. I am now making this decision based off of nothing, and an essentially going in blind.
All of that being said, some last little tidbits: 1.) what we have laid out sounds like friends with benefits, although I do wholeheartedly believe there is something more there. I believe relationships should start out as something like friends with benefits before deciding to commit fully to an actual relationship. Which I believe he does want, but doesn’t know what he’s looking fowhat to expect based off of our conversations, so something like FWB is a low risk kind of set up. His mind works in very peculiar ways like that. That being said, I am also not ready for a 100% relationship but think this could blossom into that over time. He is very open and communicative, he is direct, extremely respectful of me and has shown me through his actions he cares about my feelings and how his actions affect me. The thing is, when this started out a month ago as us hypothetically talking about being FWB I was only in it for the sex, but now as things have played out I think I’ve started to develop actual feelings for me. He has also made it clear that he does have romantic feelings towards me, he just isn’t sure what to expect seeing as this is all new for him. Which I can understand how that can be daunting for someone. I think I would be a bit hesitant if I were in his position, too. 2.) changing departments for me wouldn’t be the end of the world, and there’s a really good chance that I will actually enjoy the new department, but do I really want to sacrifice my own comfortability for what I would consider a high risk outcome? I. E. Being that I don’t like my new department, and if things don’t work out with L? Do I really want to change my job for a man that I have only really been talking to for about 2 months? OKAY maybe the title was a bit click-baity, but I am open to all input and opinions! Thank you friends :)

This is going to be a long one. For context, I (24F) have gotten out of an abusive long-term relationship about 6 months ago. I have been going to therapy, reading self-help books, listening to healing psychology podcasts and podcasts about dating. Since then, I think the improvement I’ve made on myself is remarkable and I am incredibly proud of myself.
I am now at the place where I can say I feel comfortable getting back out there. I had a brief “situationship” with a guy who we really hit it off, however he wasn’t fully over his ex, and I ended up calling it off. That he really been my only interaction with “dating” within the last 6 months.
Because of the major breakup, I have had to take up 2 jobs in order to pay for all of my bills. I am not in the place financially where I can be going out in order to meet people, so it hasn’t really been a priority of mine. That being said, I also don’t have a lot of spare time for dating either what with working 60 hours a week.
It’s been a year now that I’ve been working retail at my second job. It’s a department store and I’ve made a few new friends along the way. I do enjoy working there although it can be stressful at times. My main responsibility is folding clothes, cleaning out the fitting room, running register when we get really busy, and helping out in electronics. My department in the store is by far the most unorganized, which as I mentioned, can be stressful the fact that we are constantly behind. But I’m also the type of person I get a sense of satisfaction knowing that I do my job well and better than anyone else in my department.
Along with the friends I’ve made, there’s also a guy (22M) who I’ve had a crush on since he started about 7-8 months ago. At first I didn’t think anything of it, he seemed out of my league. He is incredibly attractive, 6ft tall, gorgeous dark brown skin, with an overall nerdy yet outgoing personality that I can’t quite put my finger on. Let’s call him L.
His first day, I struck up a conversation with L asking about what he did before working at our store, he told me he’s a computer science major, blah blah blah. It was a simple conversation but it felt like there was something there, a spark as cliche as it sounds. However after that, all of our conversations were brief, typically one word exchanges. I would try to ask him questions usually to no avail, just a simple “yeah”, or “no” response. I took the hint of “okay, he just doesn’t seem interested, I’ll drop it.” We’ve always exchanged pleasantries, and I still always found him extremely attractive, talking to my friends about the things I would like to do to him (LOL).
About 2 months ago, I was having a conversation with my boss about a video game while L was nearby. My boss says something along the lines of “L also plays that game!” and somehow we got onto the topic of exchanging steam and discord accounts. He said he didn’t remember his users at the time, and kind of brushed it off. Later that day I made the bold/out of the ordinary decision to ask him for his phone number. He seemed a little off put when I asked him, his response being “oh…okay yeah”. I didn’t really have any expectations of it going anywhere, however he was a completely different person through text. Like I mentioned earlier, in person was a series of one word answers and awkward silences, but through text he was sending paragraphs and we had really pleasant and deep conversations about philosophical stuff, etc.
I was seeing the “situationship” guy I mentioned at the beginning throughout the entire course that I was texting L. Although I had a crush on L, we just didn’t have the same emotional connection that I had with the situationship guy. Because of that, I just didn’t really see anything happening with him. At some point, L had asked me to come over to his apartment to watch a movie with him. With me seeing the other guy, I made it a point to make sure I was only acting as a friend towards L. We had a nice time, and then I went home. We went out to dinner 2 weeks later, and again it was a nice time and I went home, strictly platonic. I learned a lot about him during these times; I think he may be on the spectrum which I believe is partially why he had a hard time communicating with me while at work. He is very methodical, gets hyper fixated on things that he’s passionate about, will monologue for hours about the things he’s interested in, doesn’t like changes in his routines, struggles to understand social cues and sarcasm, etc.
It was at this point I broke things off with the situationship guy because he was still hung up on his ex and was using me to fill that void. About a week later, L invited me over to watch the sequel to the movie we watched originally. I didn’t have to worry about acting platonic with him anymore seeing as I wasn’t involved with anyone else, but I was also too shy to make any moves. Looking back, I really wish I had. We watched the movie, talked for hours, and he had us play the game “we’re not really strangers.” At some point during the game, one of the cards prompted him to confess something to me, to which he replied “I really like you…” I asked him “in what way?” And he said “in a romantic way.” This was a bit of a shock to me, because, yes I had a feeling that he felt the same way about me, but I thought I was just being delusional and that it was all in my head. I also learned playing the game that he is a virgin and has never had any experiences with a girl, not even a kiss, not even hand holding. At the end of the game, both players are supposed to write a note to the other, but you are not allowed to read it until you’ve both gone home. His note to me read (paraphrasing) that I’m a really cool person and he would be interested in pursuing something casual with me.
Upon us communicating more about it, it sounds like he is looking for a friends with benefits as he is not really ready to “settle down” and also just doesn’t have the experience to know what he is looking for. He was super upfront and honest about his expectations, which I really appreciate him not leading me on like the situationship guy. I was still hurting from that experience so I wasn’t prepared for a full blown relationship either. It sounded like everything was in alignment, and that was when it all started going downhill.
At this point, everything was still completely hypothetical and in the air, when L received a promotion at our job. He is now my direct superior, which obviously is a no-no. Upon hearing the news that L would now be my direct superior, he panicked and told the store director that we had been seeing each other (which isn’t entirely true, we had watched the movies a couple times and went out to dinner once, but nothing had happened.) The store director told him we either have to agree to stop seeing each other, or I have to switch to a different department of the store, and also that she would need to have a discussion with me. He realized he fucked up by not talking to me about it first, so he owned up and asked the store director if he could be the one to break it to me first before she spoke with me, so I wasn’t being blind sided.
He is very accountable and apologetic for the entire situation, seeing as he was the one who put me in it, which I find admirable and really appreciate. Nonetheless though, I now have to decide: do I want to break off all contact with L and stay in my department where I get a lot of stress but overall satisfaction, or if I choose to continue seeing him, I will have to change my department to stocking, which is a much faster paced, more boring job. There is no creativity or free will like with my current department. I get to choose, okay does this look good together? How can I make this display look better? Where as stocking is just, you see the numbers and you put them on the shelf. I have done stocking before, and I can’t say that I hate it, but to be fair those days would only be one shift out of 30+ days at a time? I’m the kind of person who likes something different to do, something to break up the routine.
L has made it clear that he does not feel comfortable with going on a date/doing anything physical or sexual until AFTER I’ve made my decision, because he doesn’t want to risk losing his job. Which I understand and can respect. But it makes my situation all that much more difficult. I am now making this decision based off of nothing, and an essentially going in blind.
All of that being said, some last little tidbits: 1.) what we have laid out sounds like friends with benefits, although I do wholeheartedly believe there is something more there. I believe relationships should start out as something like friends with benefits before deciding to commit fully to an actual relationship. Which I believe he does want, but doesn’t know what he’s looking fowhat to expect based off of our conversations, so something like FWB is a low risk kind of set up. His mind works in very peculiar ways like that. That being said, I am also not ready for a 100% relationship but think this could blossom into that over time. He is very open and communicative, he is direct, extremely respectful of me and has shown me through his actions he cares about my feelings and how his actions affect me. The thing is, when this started out a month ago as us hypothetically talking about being FWB I was only in it for the sex, but now as things have played out I think I’ve started to develop actual feelings for me. He has also made it clear that he does have romantic feelings towards me, he just isn’t sure what to expect seeing as this is all new for him. Which I can understand how that can be daunting for someone. I think I would be a bit hesitant if I were in his position, too. 2.) changing departments for me wouldn’t be the end of the world, and there’s a really good chance that I will actually enjoy the new department, but do I really want to sacrifice my own comfortability for what I would consider a high risk outcome? I. E. Being that I don’t like my new department, and if things don’t work out with L? Do I really want to change my job for a man that I have only really been talking to for about 2 months? OKAY maybe the title was a bit click-baity, but I am open to all input and opinions! Thank you friends :)

This is going to be a long one. For context, I (24F) have gotten out of an abusive long-term relationship about 6 months ago. I have been going to therapy, reading self-help books, listening to healing psychology podcasts and podcasts about dating. Since then, I think the improvement I’ve made on myself is remarkable and I am incredibly proud of myself.
I am now at the place where I can say I feel comfortable getting back out there. I had a brief “situationship” with a guy who we really hit it off, however he wasn’t fully over his ex, and I ended up calling it off. That he really been my only interaction with “dating” within the last 6 months.
Because of the major breakup, I have had to take up 2 jobs in order to pay for all of my bills. I am not in the place financially where I can be going out in order to meet people, so it hasn’t really been a priority of mine. That being said, I also don’t have a lot of spare time for dating either what with working 60 hours a week.
It’s been a year now that I’ve been working retail at my second job. It’s a department store and I’ve made a few new friends along the way. I do enjoy working there although it can be stressful at times. My main responsibility is folding clothes, cleaning out the fitting room, running register when we get really busy, and helping out in electronics. My department in the store is by far the most unorganized, which as I mentioned, can be stressful the fact that we are constantly behind. But I’m also the type of person I get a sense of satisfaction knowing that I do my job well and better than anyone else in my department.
Along with the friends I’ve made, there’s also a guy (22M) who I’ve had a crush on since he started about 7-8 months ago. At first I didn’t think anything of it, he seemed out of my league. He is incredibly attractive, 6ft tall, gorgeous dark brown skin, with an overall nerdy yet outgoing personality that I can’t quite put my finger on. Let’s call him L.
His first day, I struck up a conversation with L asking about what he did before working at our store, he told me he’s a computer science major, blah blah blah. It was a simple conversation but it felt like there was something there, a spark as cliche as it sounds. However after that, all of our conversations were brief, typically one word exchanges. I would try to ask him questions usually to no avail, just a simple “yeah”, or “no” response. I took the hint of “okay, he just doesn’t seem interested, I’ll drop it.” We’ve always exchanged pleasantries, and I still always found him extremely attractive, talking to my friends about the things I would like to do to him (LOL).
About 2 months ago, I was having a conversation with my boss about a video game while L was nearby. My boss says something along the lines of “L also plays that game!” and somehow we got onto the topic of exchanging steam and discord accounts. He said he didn’t remember his users at the time, and kind of brushed it off. Later that day I made the bold/out of the ordinary decision to ask him for his phone number. He seemed a little off put when I asked him, his response being “oh…okay yeah”. I didn’t really have any expectations of it going anywhere, however he was a completely different person through text. Like I mentioned earlier, in person was a series of one word answers and awkward silences, but through text he was sending paragraphs and we had really pleasant and deep conversations about philosophical stuff, etc.
I was seeing the “situationship” guy I mentioned at the beginning throughout the entire course that I was texting L. Although I had a crush on L, we just didn’t have the same emotional connection that I had with the situationship guy. Because of that, I just didn’t really see anything happening with him. At some point, L had asked me to come over to his apartment to watch a movie with him. With me seeing the other guy, I made it a point to make sure I was only acting as a friend towards L. We had a nice time, and then I went home. We went out to dinner 2 weeks later, and again it was a nice time and I went home, strictly platonic. I learned a lot about him during these times; I think he may be on the spectrum which I believe is partially why he had a hard time communicating with me while at work. He is very methodical, gets hyper fixated on things that he’s passionate about, will monologue for hours about the things he’s interested in, doesn’t like changes in his routines, struggles to understand social cues and sarcasm, etc.
It was at this point I broke things off with the situationship guy because he was still hung up on his ex and was using me to fill that void. About a week later, L invited me over to watch the sequel to the movie we watched originally. I didn’t have to worry about acting platonic with him anymore seeing as I wasn’t involved with anyone else, but I was also too shy to make any moves. Looking back, I really wish I had. We watched the movie, talked for hours, and he had us play the game “we’re not really strangers.” At some point during the game, one of the cards prompted him to confess something to me, to which he replied “I really like you…” I asked him “in what way?” And he said “in a romantic way.” This was a bit of a shock to me, because, yes I had a feeling that he felt the same way about me, but I thought I was just being delusional and that it was all in my head. I also learned playing the game that he is a virgin and has never had any experiences with a girl, not even a kiss, not even hand holding. At the end of the game, both players are supposed to write a note to the other, but you are not allowed to read it until you’ve both gone home. His note to me read (paraphrasing) that I’m a really cool person and he would be interested in pursuing something casual with me.
Upon us communicating more about it, it sounds like he is looking for a friends with benefits as he is not really ready to “settle down” and also just doesn’t have the experience to know what he is looking for. He was super upfront and honest about his expectations, which I really appreciate him not leading me on like the situationship guy. I was still hurting from that experience so I wasn’t prepared for a full blown relationship either. It sounded like everything was in alignment, and that was when it all started going downhill.
At this point, everything was still completely hypothetical and in the air, when L received a promotion at our job. He is now my direct superior, which obviously is a no-no. Upon hearing the news that L would now be my direct superior, he panicked and told the store director that we had been seeing each other (which isn’t entirely true, we had watched the movies a couple times and went out to dinner once, but nothing had happened.) The store director told him we either have to agree to stop seeing each other, or I have to switch to a different department of the store, and also that she would need to have a discussion with me. He realized he fucked up by not talking to me about it first, so he owned up and asked the store director if he could be the one to break it to me first before she spoke with me, so I wasn’t being blind sided.
He is very accountable and apologetic for the entire situation, seeing as he was the one who put me in it, which I find admirable and really appreciate. Nonetheless though, I now have to decide: do I want to break off all contact with L and stay in my department where I get a lot of stress but overall satisfaction, or if I choose to continue seeing him, I will have to change my department to stocking, which is a much faster paced, more boring job. There is no creativity or free will like with my current department. I get to choose, okay does this look good together? How can I make this display look better? Where as stocking is just, you see the numbers and you put them on the shelf. I have done stocking before, and I can’t say that I hate it, but to be fair those days would only be one shift out of 30+ days at a time? I’m the kind of person who likes something different to do, something to break up the routine.
L has made it clear that he does not feel comfortable with going on a date/doing anything physical or sexual until AFTER I’ve made my decision, because he doesn’t want to risk losing his job. Which I understand and can respect. But it makes my situation all that much more difficult. I am now making this decision based off of nothing, and an essentially going in blind.
All of that being said, some last little tidbits: 1.) what we have laid out sounds like friends with benefits, although I do wholeheartedly believe there is something more there. I believe relationships should start out as something like friends with benefits before deciding to commit fully to an actual relationship. Which I believe he does want, but doesn’t know what he’s looking fowhat to expect based off of our conversations, so something like FWB is a low risk kind of set up. His mind works in very peculiar ways like that. That being said, I am also not ready for a 100% relationship but think this could blossom into that over time. He is very open and communicative, he is direct, extremely respectful of me and has shown me through his actions he cares about my feelings and how his actions affect me. The thing is, when this started out a month ago as us hypothetically talking about being FWB I was only in it for the sex, but now as things have played out I think I’ve started to develop actual feelings for me. He has also made it clear that he does have romantic feelings towards me, he just isn’t sure what to expect seeing as this is all new for him. Which I can understand how that can be daunting for someone. I think I would be a bit hesitant if I were in his position, too. 2.) changing departments for me wouldn’t be the end of the world, and there’s a really good chance that I will actually enjoy the new department, but do I really want to sacrifice my own comfortability for what I would consider a high risk outcome? I. E. Being that I don’t like my new department, and if things don’t work out with L? Do I really want to change my job for a man that I have only really been talking to for about 2 months? OKAY maybe the title was a bit click-baity, but I am open to all input and opinions! Thank you friends :)

TL;DR The boy I’ve been talking to is now my boss. I can either change my department to continue seeing him, or break things off and stay in my current position.
This is going to be a long one. For context, I (24F) have gotten out of an abusive long-term relationship about 6 months ago. I have been going to therapy, reading self-help books, listening to healing psychology podcasts and podcasts about dating. Since then, I think the improvement I’ve made on myself is remarkable and I am incredibly proud of myself.
I am now at the place where I can say I feel comfortable getting back out there. I had a brief “situationship” with a guy who we really hit it off, however he wasn’t fully over his ex, and I ended up calling it off. That he really been my only interaction with “dating” within the last 6 months.
Because of the major breakup, I have had to take up 2 jobs in order to pay for all of my bills. I am not in the place financially where I can be going out in order to meet people, so it hasn’t really been a priority of mine. That being said, I also don’t have a lot of spare time for dating either what with working 60 hours a week.
It’s been a year now that I’ve been working retail at my second job. It’s a department store and I’ve made a few new friends along the way. I do enjoy working there although it can be stressful at times. My main responsibility is folding clothes, cleaning out the fitting room, running register when we get really busy, and helping out in electronics. My department in the store is by far the most unorganized, which as I mentioned, can be stressful the fact that we are constantly behind. But I’m also the type of person I get a sense of satisfaction knowing that I do my job well and better than anyone else in my department.
Along with the friends I’ve made, there’s also a guy (22M) who I’ve had a crush on since he started about 7-8 months ago. At first I didn’t think anything of it, he seemed out of my league. He is incredibly attractive, 6ft tall, gorgeous dark brown skin, with an overall nerdy yet outgoing personality that I can’t quite put my finger on. Let’s call him L.
His first day, I struck up a conversation with L asking about what he did before working at our store, he told me he’s a computer science major, blah blah blah. It was a simple conversation but it felt like there was something there, a spark as cliche as it sounds. However after that, all of our conversations were brief, typically one word exchanges. I would try to ask him questions usually to no avail, just a simple “yeah”, or “no” response. I took the hint of “okay, he just doesn’t seem interested, I’ll drop it.” We’ve always exchanged pleasantries, and I still always found him extremely attractive, talking to my friends about the things I would like to do to him (LOL).
About 2 months ago, I was having a conversation with my boss about a video game while L was nearby. My boss says something along the lines of “L also plays that game!” and somehow we got onto the topic of exchanging steam and discord accounts. He said he didn’t remember his users at the time, and kind of brushed it off. Later that day I made the bold/out of the ordinary decision to ask him for his phone number. He seemed a little off put when I asked him, his response being “oh…okay yeah”. I didn’t really have any expectations of it going anywhere, however he was a completely different person through text. Like I mentioned earlier, in person was a series of one word answers and awkward silences, but through text he was sending paragraphs and we had really pleasant and deep conversations about philosophical stuff, etc.
I was seeing the “situationship” guy I mentioned at the beginning throughout the entire course that I was texting L. Although I had a crush on L, we just didn’t have the same emotional connection that I had with the situationship guy. Because of that, I just didn’t really see anything happening with him. At some point, L had asked me to come over to his apartment to watch a movie with him. With me seeing the other guy, I made it a point to make sure I was only acting as a friend towards L. We had a nice time, and then I went home. We went out to dinner 2 weeks later, and again it was a nice time and I went home, strictly platonic. I learned a lot about him during these times; I think he may be on the spectrum which I believe is partially why he had a hard time communicating with me while at work. He is very methodical, gets hyper fixated on things that he’s passionate about, will monologue for hours about the things he’s interested in, doesn’t like changes in his routines, struggles to understand social cues and sarcasm, etc.
It was at this point I broke things off with the situationship guy because he was still hung up on his ex and was using me to fill that void. About a week later, L invited me over to watch the sequel to the movie we watched originally. I didn’t have to worry about acting platonic with him anymore seeing as I wasn’t involved with anyone else, but I was also too shy to make any moves. Looking back, I really wish I had. We watched the movie, talked for hours, and he had us play the game “we’re not really strangers.” At some point during the game, one of the cards prompted him to confess something to me, to which he replied “I really like you…” I asked him “in what way?” And he said “in a romantic way.” This was a bit of a shock to me, because, yes I had a feeling that he felt the same way about me, but I thought I was just being delusional and that it was all in my head. I also learned playing the game that he is a virgin and has never had any experiences with a girl, not even a kiss, not even hand holding. At the end of the game, both players are supposed to write a note to the other, but you are not allowed to read it until you’ve both gone home. His note to me read (paraphrasing) that I’m a really cool person and he would be interested in pursuing something casual with me.
Upon us communicating more about it, it sounds like he is looking for a friends with benefits as he is not really ready to “settle down” and also just doesn’t have the experience to know what he is looking for. He was super upfront and honest about his expectations, which I really appreciate him not leading me on like the situationship guy. I was still hurting from that experience so I wasn’t prepared for a full blown relationship either. It sounded like everything was in alignment, and that was when it all started going downhill.
At this point, everything was still completely hypothetical and in the air, when L received a promotion at our job. He is now my direct superior, which obviously is a no-no. Upon hearing the news that L would now be my direct superior, he panicked and told the store director that we had been seeing each other (which isn’t entirely true, we had watched the movies a couple times and went out to dinner once, but nothing had happened.) The store director told him we either have to agree to stop seeing each other, or I have to switch to a different department of the store, and also that she would need to have a discussion with me. He realized he fucked up by not talking to me about it first, so he owned up and asked the store director if he could be the one to break it to me first before she spoke with me, so I wasn’t being blind sided.
He is very accountable and apologetic for the entire situation, seeing as he was the one who put me in it, which I find admirable and really appreciate. Nonetheless though, I now have to decide: do I want to break off all contact with L and stay in my department where I get a lot of stress but overall satisfaction, or if I choose to continue seeing him, I will have to change my department to stocking, which is a much faster paced, more boring job. There is no creativity or free will like with my current department. I get to choose, okay does this look good together? How can I make this display look better? Where as stocking is just, you see the numbers and you put them on the shelf. I have done stocking before, and I can’t say that I hate it, but to be fair those days would only be one shift out of 30+ days at a time? I’m the kind of person who likes something different to do, something to break up the routine.
L has made it clear that he does not feel comfortable with going on a date/doing anything physical or sexual until AFTER I’ve made my decision, because he doesn’t want to risk losing his job. Which I understand and can respect. But it makes my situation all that much more difficult. I am now making this decision based off of nothing, and an essentially going in blind.
All of that being said, some last little tidbits: 1.) what we have laid out sounds like friends with benefits, although I do wholeheartedly believe there is something more there. I believe relationships should start out as something like friends with benefits before deciding to commit fully to an actual relationship. Which I believe he does want, but doesn’t know what he’s looking fowhat to expect based off of our conversations, so something like FWB is a low risk kind of set up. His mind works in very peculiar ways like that. That being said, I am also not ready for a 100% relationship but think this could blossom into that over time. He is very open and communicative, he is direct, extremely respectful of me and has shown me through his actions he cares about my feelings and how his actions affect me. The thing is, when this started out a month ago as us hypothetically talking about being FWB I was only in it for the sex, but now as things have played out I think I’ve started to develop actual feelings for me. He has also made it clear that he does have romantic feelings towards me, he just isn’t sure what to expect seeing as this is all new for him. Which I can understand how that can be daunting for someone. I think I would be a bit hesitant if I were in his position, too. 2.) changing departments for me wouldn’t be the end of the world, and there’s a really good chance that I will actually enjoy the new department, but do I really want to sacrifice my own comfortability for what I would consider a high risk outcome? I. E. Being that I don’t like my new department, and if things don’t work out with L? Do I really want to change my job for a man that I have only really been talking to for about 2 months? OKAY maybe the title was a bit click-baity, but I am open to all input and opinions! Thank you friends :)

This is going to be a long one. For context, I (24F) have gotten out of an abusive long-term relationship about 6 months ago. I have been going to therapy, reading self-help books, listening to healing psychology podcasts and podcasts about dating. Since then, I think the improvement I’ve made on myself is remarkable and I am incredibly proud of myself.
I am now at the place where I can say I feel comfortable getting back out there. I had a brief “situationship” with a guy who we really hit it off, however he wasn’t fully over his ex, and I ended up calling it off. That he really been my only interaction with “dating” within the last 6 months.
Because of the major breakup, I have had to take up 2 jobs in order to pay for all of my bills. I am not in the place financially where I can be going out in order to meet people, so it hasn’t really been a priority of mine. That being said, I also don’t have a lot of spare time for dating either what with working 60 hours a week.
It’s been a year now that I’ve been working retail at my second job. It’s a department store and I’ve made a few new friends along the way. I do enjoy working there although it can be stressful at times. My main responsibility is folding clothes, cleaning out the fitting room, running register when we get really busy, and helping out in electronics. My department in the store is by far the most unorganized, which as I mentioned, can be stressful the fact that we are constantly behind. But I’m also the type of person I get a sense of satisfaction knowing that I do my job well and better than anyone else in my department.
Along with the friends I’ve made, there’s also a guy (22M) who I’ve had a crush on since he started about 7-8 months ago. At first I didn’t think anything of it, he seemed out of my league. He is incredibly attractive, 6ft tall, gorgeous dark brown skin, with an overall nerdy yet outgoing personality that I can’t quite put my finger on. Let’s call him L.
His first day, I struck up a conversation with L asking about what he did before working at our store, he told me he’s a computer science major, blah blah blah. It was a simple conversation but it felt like there was something there, a spark as cliche as it sounds. However after that, all of our conversations were brief, typically one word exchanges. I would try to ask him questions usually to no avail, just a simple “yeah”, or “no” response. I took the hint of “okay, he just doesn’t seem interested, I’ll drop it.” We’ve always exchanged pleasantries, and I still always found him extremely attractive, talking to my friends about the things I would like to do to him (LOL).
About 2 months ago, I was having a conversation with my boss about a video game while L was nearby. My boss says something along the lines of “L also plays that game!” and somehow we got onto the topic of exchanging steam and discord accounts. He said he didn’t remember his users at the time, and kind of brushed it off. Later that day I made the bold/out of the ordinary decision to ask him for his phone number. He seemed a little off put when I asked him, his response being “oh…okay yeah”. I didn’t really have any expectations of it going anywhere, however he was a completely different person through text. Like I mentioned earlier, in person was a series of one word answers and awkward silences, but through text he was sending paragraphs and we had really pleasant and deep conversations about philosophical stuff, etc.
I was seeing the “situationship” guy I mentioned at the beginning throughout the entire course that I was texting L. Although I had a crush on L, we just didn’t have the same emotional connection that I had with the situationship guy. Because of that, I just didn’t really see anything happening with him. At some point, L had asked me to come over to his apartment to watch a movie with him. With me seeing the other guy, I made it a point to make sure I was only acting as a friend towards L. We had a nice time, and then I went home. We went out to dinner 2 weeks later, and again it was a nice time and I went home, strictly platonic. I learned a lot about him during these times; I think he may be on the spectrum which I believe is partially why he had a hard time communicating with me while at work. He is very methodical, gets hyper fixated on things that he’s passionate about, will monologue for hours about the things he’s interested in, doesn’t like changes in his routines, struggles to understand social cues and sarcasm, etc.
It was at this point I broke things off with the situationship guy because he was still hung up on his ex and was using me to fill that void. About a week later, L invited me over to watch the sequel to the movie we watched originally. I didn’t have to worry about acting platonic with him anymore seeing as I wasn’t involved with anyone else, but I was also too shy to make any moves. Looking back, I really wish I had. We watched the movie, talked for hours, and he had us play the game “we’re not really strangers.” At some point during the game, one of the cards prompted him to confess something to me, to which he replied “I really like you…” I asked him “in what way?” And he said “in a romantic way.” This was a bit of a shock to me, because, yes I had a feeling that he felt the same way about me, but I thought I was just being delusional and that it was all in my head. I also learned playing the game that he is a virgin and has never had any experiences with a girl, not even a kiss, not even hand holding. At the end of the game, both players are supposed to write a note to the other, but you are not allowed to read it until you’ve both gone home. His note to me read (paraphrasing) that I’m a really cool person and he would be interested in pursuing something casual with me.
Upon us communicating more about it, it sounds like he is looking for a friends with benefits as he is not really ready to “settle down” and also just doesn’t have the experience to know what he is looking for. He was super upfront and honest about his expectations, which I really appreciate him not leading me on like the situationship guy. I was still hurting from that experience so I wasn’t prepared for a full blown relationship either. It sounded like everything was in alignment, and that was when it all started going downhill.
At this point, everything was still completely hypothetical and in the air, when L received a promotion at our job. He is now my direct superior, which obviously is a no-no. Upon hearing the news that L would now be my direct superior, he panicked and told the store director that we had been seeing each other (which isn’t entirely true, we had watched the movies a couple times and went out to dinner once, but nothing had happened.) The store director told him we either have to agree to stop seeing each other, or I have to switch to a different department of the store, and also that she would need to have a discussion with me. He realized he fucked up by not talking to me about it first, so he owned up and asked the store director if he could be the one to break it to me first before she spoke with me, so I wasn’t being blind sided.
He is very accountable and apologetic for the entire situation, seeing as he was the one who put me in it, which I find admirable and really appreciate. Nonetheless though, I now have to decide: do I want to break off all contact with L and stay in my department where I get a lot of stress but overall satisfaction, or if I choose to continue seeing him, I will have to change my department to stocking, which is a much faster paced, more boring job. There is no creativity or free will like with my current department. I get to choose, okay does this look good together? How can I make this display look better? Where as stocking is just, you see the numbers and you put them on the shelf. I have done stocking before, and I can’t say that I hate it, but to be fair those days would only be one shift out of 30+ days at a time? I’m the kind of person who likes something different to do, something to break up the routine.
L has made it clear that he does not feel comfortable with going on a date/doing anything physical or sexual until AFTER I’ve made my decision, because he doesn’t want to risk losing his job. Which I understand and can respect. But it makes my situation all that much more difficult. I am now making this decision based off of nothing, and an essentially going in blind.
All of that being said, some last little tidbits: 1.) what we have laid out sounds like friends with benefits, although I do wholeheartedly believe there is something more there. I believe relationships should start out as something like friends with benefits before deciding to commit fully to an actual relationship. Which I believe he does want, but doesn’t know what he’s looking fowhat to expect based off of our conversations, so something like FWB is a low risk kind of set up. His mind works in very peculiar ways like that. That being said, I am also not ready for a 100% relationship but think this could blossom into that over time. He is very open and communicative, he is direct, extremely respectful of me and has shown me through his actions he cares about my feelings and how his actions affect me. The thing is, when this started out a month ago as us hypothetically talking about being FWB I was only in it for the sex, but now as things have played out I think I’ve started to develop actual feelings for me. He has also made it clear that he does have romantic feelings towards me, he just isn’t sure what to expect seeing as this is all new for him. Which I can understand how that can be daunting for someone. I think I would be a bit hesitant if I were in his position, too. 2.) changing departments for me wouldn’t be the end of the world, and there’s a really good chance that I will actually enjoy the new department, but do I really want to sacrifice my own comfortability for what I would consider a high risk outcome? I. E. Being that I don’t like my new department, and if things don’t work out with L? Do I really want to change my job for a man that I have only really been talking to for about 2 months? OKAY maybe the title was a bit click-baity, but I am open to all input and opinions! Thank you friends :)

Ok Big City Greens Fans, here's what we know so far:
Bill and Nancy switched Roles as they were on the beach
Alice was sent to beach Jail
Cricket ran into a family with purple skin
Bill is buried in the sand and his head was upside down
Alice uses a seagull or pelican to escape
Tilly tried to get Bill out of the sand with the shovel but it's too tough.
The lifeguard thrown in the water.
Nancy's having one of her monologues.
Cricket learned never to prank people.
So what do you think about this episode as we keep watching.

So I posted something similar to this on a body Dysmorphia subreddit hoping to get some advice. And in the last few days, I've started spiraling down a hole a lot, and I'm starting to question my identity as a person a lot too. I'd like some advice and help from others here who might feel similarly, or can tell me if how I'm feeling aligns with gender Dysphoria or not.
This is uh also a slight rant too BTW so it's long.
To preface this, I never once stopped to question if I'm a boy or girl growing up. It never bothered me at such an extent, and my personality wasnt too feminine or masculine for the most part I feel, maybe leaning towards more masculine. I liked boy things I liked sports, I liked action, I liked being rowdy, but I also liked being artsy, very caring towards those I live, I preferred just making friends with girls even at a very young age rather than either doing the whole 'Boys vs girls' thing and I never really cared about entering a relationship with one. and I never once stopped to question my personality and I was proud of that.
But I never thought of myself as a 'Boy' per se. I was aware I was one, I am still aware I am one right now. But I never really associated my gender with who I was as a person, to me it had no weight on who I was. It was more or less, just an accessory. And despite that, All my life I've resented taking pictures and doing video calls. Everytime I looked at mine I always was disturbed because the person I saw wasn't who aligned with my own perception of myself. Everytime I look into the mirror I almost have to stand there and convince myself 'That's me, that's who you are, you ain't that bad'.
There are defintely parts of me I don't like but if I'm being honest, I haven't ever had a vehement hatred of anything about myself. It's not that I consider myself ugly (I don't consider myself a conventionally attractive man. In fact I don't think I ever received a compliment for how I looked, not even family, only jokes and contempt. but it really never bothered me because I know everyone's got a type for something and I truly don't care how I look to other people, just how I look to myself) but it's the fact that the person I see in the mirror, the person I see in pictures and the person I see in video calls just, doesn't align with the person I envision myself as. Everytime I'm away from my my reflection or photo, I don't even know what I look like from memory, and I never envision my body alongside my inner self if that makes sense. And it's confusing it's really confusing for me. Because it's not that it has that dramatic of an effect on me because hey as long as I don't see myself then who cares, but it started to bother me after I started deciding to dress and style myself to try to form that connection. I'd grow out my hair more, try out my own clothes (all still masculine by the way, I never trudged my toes towards feminine clothing), but I just never was able to see who I envisioned. And what's more confusing is, I don't know if it's because of my body or my gender or if I'm over exaggerating it because of having unrealistic standards
But the kicker is that recently, I have had way too much time to myself. And because of all that time, I've done some introspection and I realised, I am someone who:

1. has never cared about their appearance/clothes, just threw on what was comfortable for the longest time. Because in the end I used to never feel like it looked good anyways.
   
2. has never cared about working on myself for others or how my overall face or body looks, because to me i never had a strong enough connection between me and my body to really care about how my body reflects me, because I always used to believe that 'oh my body doesn't represent my personality, people should look beyond it'.
   
3. has always hated photos, video calls, hell even reflections until recently. I built up the mantra over time that 'oh everyone looks bad in front of a camera' but sometimes it physically hurt to be reminded that how I look, is in no way reflective of how I feel.
   
4. realised now, I think I've been jealous of my female cousins (who I am incredibly close with) my whole life. I'm really similar to one of them and I always used to think 'if I was a girl, I'd prolly be like her', except she was much happier and appeared more confident in her attire and body, so I always wondered why I could never be like that. And I've always envied how they could rock their styles so awesomely (which, can I say what in the fuck why do women get a billion options and men get the same flavour of t-shirt and pants with different ranging colours from Navy, Grey and blue? ?), how they could freely experiment with their hair as much as they want, how it felt like they were more in tune to their body than I was in mine
   
5. has been able to disassociate myself from my body a LOT as a kid. I used to think I was doing this for fun, because it was such a weird experience when I was younger. But I used to dissacociate myself from my body a LOT, and I'd be able physically be able to discern myself from my body it felt like a true out of body experience. I never thought about this a lot as a kid, but recently I've started wondering if there's something more beyond that. Because I do have a seperate monologue, I dont associate my body with myself, everytime I look into the mirror there's a minor surprise of 'OH right, that's me' and I have been experiencing this a lot now recently, but out of my control. And come to think of it, I don't even know if I really feel connected to my body at all even during daily life. Because all of my memories feel out of body. Idk how to explain it fully im sorry
   
6. has had some fantasies I'm uncomfortable sharing but I will say, I've researched a bit and even read the Gender dysphoria bible, and I will say that there's a chance those fantasies might be indicative of something too.
   
7. never felt strongly about pronouns and feels like my gender is just an accessory. In fact I used to experiment and wonder when I was younger during covid in other discord servers (I was bored okay) how it would feel to just change my pronouns and act as NB or a girl or she/they, he/they etc. And all, all of them felt equal to me. I didn't mind being called any of them. I thought I'd get like a lil fun joke of 'hehehe I'm going undercover muahahaha' but I kinda enjoyed it at times it kinda felt nice not having a gender tied to myself. It's just me.
   
8. tends to prefer playing women in games. Not just video games, but even TTRPGS (Dnd my beloved). This isn't always the case, I do like to play as the guy sometimes too, and I used to always do it in pokemon games to feel like I was the trainer himself. But these are games I can't really control the design of. So, enter BG3 and DnD. Games largely built on this idea of creating your own custom characters to tell stories and inhibit fun personalities. So yeah anytime I actually got to make my own character in games like these, always women. Like once was it a man, but usually always women. Closest I really got was a shapeshifting genderfluid changling, who also preferred more feminine pysiques anyways. And before I get called out for 'Oh you just are attracted to the bodies of women that's why you like them' youd be partially right, but also all of my Dnd characters I built upon traits of myself, I like to insert a lil bit of me into all of them. And most of those traits I give to female characters because it just feels like it embodies them the best... It feels like it embodies these traits of mine the best.
   
9. I did used to think a lot of 'what if I was a girl' when I was younger up. In none of these thoughts did I imagine myself acting any more feminine than I do now, and never thought about sex change or relationships, but I did think about 'maybe I'd be more comfortable to be in a girls body, because then I'd be able to actually show myself through my hair, style, colours etc as opposed to this one'. Granted, my primary frame of reference was my cousins again. I would never change my personality, I think i actually would've enjoyed growing up as a girl but I dont think I'd act any less boyish than now, but I would feel more comfortable with my feminine traits too. And I'd be so comfortable exploring my style and fashion too. I'd go through them all, goth, street, tomboy, artsy, you name it id try it. And I'd defintely would experiment with my hair as much as I could too because oh my God you women have the most fun hair options ever and then guys just have 'short, short but skin fade, short but it's an inch longer so we call it long, short but it's to the side so it's different, bowl cut'
   
10. I live in the moment. I have diagnosed adhd and I'm starting to suspect maybe a little ASD too. Idk if this will be relevant in the slightest, but because of that I don't really stop a lot to think in the present, nor do I look into the past that much or think about my future too hard. Which has been a detriment to my life at times, and unsurprisingly it's one now, because I feel like all this time, I never really stopped to think about why I never felt that connection, and maybe if it's even normal for there not to be one. So I don't know if this has been a much deeper issue than I thought for years, and I truly an unable to understand how to plan my future with this.
    

And I thought this was just body Dysmorphia. Again I never hated my body outside of being shown it, and if I looked in a mirror long enough I could usually trick myself into liking it. But I used to be very fat, I used to have a really awful looking haircut, I have a huge ass nose and I have a shit ton of body hair that grows back so so fast (and I mean a lot of body hair I do not like it even as a dude), and I've never had clothes that gave off my style, always stuff my parents picked out.
But it can't, just be body Dysmorphia can it? I've taken steps to try to rectify these feelings so I've lost a lot of weight, I've grown out my hair to something I actually like, I've started to experiment with clothes i actually like more. And now when I look in the mirror I see.... A more attractive version of my body. No connection, no me. Just a more attractive version of my body. In fact the only feature that felt like me, was my long, messy, wavy hair, and it's actually the only part of myself I'm extremely particular of now, because it's the only thing I feel connected to. And it's weirdly, the only part the people around me want to change the most. Want to neaten it or shorten it etc.
And that's when I started to wonder. That's when I started to wonder why, after all that work, do I not feel that connection. Why do I still feel weird seeing photos of myself. Why have I started to wonder if I was always uncomfortable in my body, but never understood the reason why. Why is it, that I feel as though women are able to express themselves better than men ever could? Why is it that I feel envious of my cousins at times, despite loving them with all my heart? Why have I begun to wonder, if maybe, just maybe, there's a chance I'd have felt more myself, in a woman's body, than in a mans body.
IDK maybe this isnt a conventional experience that anyone shares, maybe this isn't Dysmorphia at all but I'm hoping to get some perspectives here. Because I don't think I hate being a boy all togrthrr. There are aspects I dislike, sure, but I never out right hated it. But I do feel a disconnect. Hell I don't even like the idea of face revealing to close online friends, not out of fear of being perceived as being ugly, but because I enjoyed being faceless so much since I could envision myself how I wish, without them having a vision of what I actually look like. I know they'd never judge me at all and my closest friends are trans too, so they'd of course would never judge me if I were to show them. But I just, enjoy not having to worry about my body not reflecting me.
Part of me has always thought 'What if I was a girl? What if I had less hair? What if I had a different body type as a boy? What if I had better fashion?would I feel the connection then? Is the connection even that important?' and it never helped that I don't even have any role models that represented me physically in anyway, and it doesn't help that when I try to imagine who I envision myself as now, I can't even decide on what to envision. I wish I had that body connection Because without it, it feels harder to want to show my personality through my body.
And that's the kicker now. I don't know if I wanna commit to either option either??? The ideas of HRT and obtaining a more feminine physique, face and hair sounds amazing (although that's a whole nother can of worms filled with fear, doubt and internalised transphobia, no hate to yall ladies at all I just don't think I would ever be able to pass as a woman to myself considering my height, masculine features and body hair, and I'm worried it's too late for HRT to make any dramatic changes since I'm 18 turning 19). But I would be lying to you if I said I didn't like some aspects of being a boy too. I like the social ease of being a dude, I liked certain parts of me (I would never consider SRS, I like that part of me), I liked the strength and sometimes even my powerful frame and there are some times where I do actually feel comfortable expressing myself as a dude, and I do sometimes see myself in the mirror. but there are times where I think I would've preferred to have a woman's body, and to be able to explore all of the awesome fashion designs, to feel closer to my female friends, to be able to look directly in the mirror at my body and hopefully, see myself. Hell maybe ideally I woulda liked to be a tomboy because then that's pretty much the best of both worlds.
And that's my main fear. My main fear is that I don't know if I'm Cis with just a lotta issues to work through, Trans but too afraid to take the leap, or Bigendegenderfluid, because if I had shapeshifting powers or the ability to switch between genders at will, my God I would be so happy because I like both extremes, but as I am now I am way too masculine to even be able to switch genders to make myself see a female face (I wanna emphase myself because I do strongly believe trans women are women, the people closest to me are trans and I support and accept them fully, but I'm critical of myself passing so much because to me, gender has always seemed like an accessory. Not something that embodies you, but something that reflects you. I don't want to end up giving myself more dysphoria if I end up failing to recognise myself more).
I'm so sorry that this became long as hell to read. I don't even think I worded it out half as precisely as I would've liked so I'll write a lil tldr.
TLDR: I don't know if I'm a dysphoric Cis male, a closeted Trans woman, genderfluid/bigender, or just insane at this point. And I'm scared that if I choose to explore outside of cis, I'll get more dysphoria
Any and all questions are welcome. I'd probably be able to explain myself more to one of yalls questions, than try to explain myself here anyways. I know no one can decide their gender but themselves, but I guess I want some perspectives and ideas on if this does relate to trans stories, or if it does ring with gender fluidity, or if maybe I do need to just do some more introspection.

The Sleepaway Show was popular on my college radio.
JJ Savrin, Nicholas Mayflower, and Elena Fisher.
I was a big fan of their horror narrations.
“Yoooo, and welcome to another episode of The Sleepaway Show! I'm your host, JJ Savrin! I'm here with Nick and Elena, and we’ve got a crazy story for you! It's by Reddit user Broken-but-not-bent, and it's called Metal Baby. Now, this story is horror, but it's got a liiiitle bit of M. Night mixed in. It's one of my faves–”
“Hey!”
I flinched. It was too early for jump scares.
My ‘YouTuber’ roommate was in front of me, waving his arms. I pulled out an earphone, already anticipating the kind of conversation we were going to have.
The second he opened his mouth, I was ready for the complaining.
“I got a bad comment.” Connor grumbled, slumping down in front of me. “This one is threatening to strike my channel. They're relentless.”
He waved his phone with a scoff. “Shouldn't authors be happy they're being recognised?”
I forced a smile, resting my chin on my fist. “Do you think… maybe it's because you're using their stories without asking?” I said. “I mean, you did get a whole channel taken down–”
Connor rolled his eyes. “Nah. They're public domain, so I can use them if I want.” He pulled out a pack of chips, stuffing a handful in his mouth. “Also, the AI voice sounds human.” He prodded his phone. “See? Listen.”
When he started the video, a human-ish voice began the story, immediately pronouncing a typo.
Connor was right. It did sound human, but it wasn't human enough. It was too perfect, with the exact same drone-ey tone. Admittedly, AI had gotten better from text to speech to an almost human voice. But it wasn't the real thing.
Connor studied me with slightly manic eyes.
“Well? What do you think?”.
“It's good,” I said. “But why don't you read them? You have a good enough voice.”
My roommate shrugged. “I dunno. It's easier to just run it through an AI. I just copy and paste the story, and it's done.”
I regarded him with the look.
“Uh-huh.”
I corked one headphone back in, bleeding back into my favourite show.
JJ was in the middle of a monologue, his raspy voice immediately embodying the character. I could hear every piece of his voice, every breath, every time he messed up and choked on a laugh, or quietly correcting himself. But he was human. His mistakes, his awkward breathing and the cheap microphone letting in outside ambience. Even his stuttering, the way he mispronounced words and fucked up accents. All of it was painfully and beautifully human.
Metal Baby was a great story, and it ended with some of the best voice acting I had heard from The Sleepaway Show. Elena and Nick sounded insane, and JJ made the perfect unreliable narrator.
Especially for the Shutter Island type twist.
When it was over, Elena thanking their college patrons, I tugged out an earphone and settled my roommate with a smile.
Connor was glaring at his phone. When he caught my eye, he scowled. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
Instead of answering him, I held up my phone, displaying the show. “Why not try finding a real human voice?” I said.
“You have cash from your job, right? Dump the robot-sounding AI, and pay a voice actor.”
I watched my roommate's expression crumple.
“Fuck.” he tapped his phone, a smile curving on his lips.
“You really think it'll work?”
“Well, yeah. The Dark Somnium. Mr Creeps. Lighthouse Horror. What do they all have in common?”
Connor’s lip twitched. “Millions of subscribers? Listeners who are obsessed with rule -based stories?”
“Human voices.” I said. “AI channels do exist with stupid amounts of followers, but they don't get nearly enough traction.”
Connor hummed. “So, what I need is a human voice?”
“Bingo.”
When I got home that night, I got a text from Connor.
Don't come into my bathroom! Narration in progress.
Bathroom ambience, I thought.
Sure.
The next day, though, to my surprise, The Sleepaway Show wasn't broadcast. On the college website, the page was offline.
Elena published a post a few hours later explaining that the three of them were still hungover from the night before, so there would be no show. I was bummed.
I was looking forward to JJ’s narration of a new cosmic horror story they were teasing.
Days went by, and still no show.
Elena had stopped posting updates.
Her last one simply said: PLEASE stop asking! We’re sick lol. No show this week.
That was weird. Especially when the three had managed to do a show suffering with food poisoning from bad shellfish.
I was checking for updates when I got home around 5pm.
No sign of Connor.
His laptop was open in his room.
He was editing.
I couldn't help it, risking a peek at his latest narration. I always get curious about the stories he chooses. Connor is a big fan of psychological horror.
Getting comfy in his chair, and taking an awkward sip from his lukewarm coffee, I pressed play on the edit. I'm not sure what it was that twisted my gut.
The coffee tasted kind of weird, and it was too hot in his room.
But, as I fast forwarded the edit, I realized I was listening to a familiar voice. I wasn't expecting JJ’s Savrin’s tone to bleed from the speakers.
So soon, too. It's not like I was doubting that he'd say yes to narrating, but he'd been sick, right? I twisted around, studying my roommate's room for recording equipment. Nothing.
Just a broken microphone on his floor, the one I accidentally stood on.
JJ’s narration sounded normal, at first.
But further into it, I began to notice something was wrong with it. The charm was gone, his smooth, velvet murmur had been airbrushed, perfected into a horrifying, AI-like robotic drone. There were zero mistakes, or breaths, or laughter.
"It was late when I left the restaurant.”
JJ’s voice was too perfect, skipping over the voice of the character, the atmosphere he put into his tone. “I was locking the door when I noticed something was behind me.”
The period at the end of the sentence was too noticeable.
Not natural.
“Oh no.” JJ continued in that same robotic drawl. “Did a customer want to kill me?”
The AI voice faltered, and this time, I did hear a gasp.
It sounded like pain.
Running through the edit, there were still chunks of recording, untouched.
“I… ice… cream…I…”
The sudden sharp inhalation of breath exploding from the speakers sent ice sliding down my spine. It was too human. I could see it in the levels, the way they hit red.
“It's so… dark. I can't see... anything."
The voice splintered into a cry, and this time, in the footage my roommate was trying to remove, to cut away, JJ did sound human. His shaky breaths shuddered through the speakers.
“Please, can someone help me? I don't know where I–” The edit skipped, bleeding back into the story. I was already backing away from Connor’s laptop, my heart in my throat.
I remembered stabbing the off switch on the laptop, but the voice continued, spluttering and crackling.
This time it was coming from behind me.
The bathroom.
“Is… someone there? I'm locked in the bathroom, man. I want to go home.”
JJ Savrin.
Was in our house.
Worse, my psycho roommate has kidnapped him, attempting to steal his voice.
When I stepped back, his cry was louder.
“Fuck! Is someone there? Answer me!"
“JJ?” I found myself in a daze, walking towards my roommate's bathroom.
“What... did he do to you?”
The guy let out a strangled cry. “Your psycho friend locked me in the bathroom! I think I'm blindfolded. I…I can't see anything, “ he paused, “Can you get me the fuck out of here?”
I swallowed down something slimy. “Did Connor do this to you?”
He broke out into a sob. “He knocked me out. I think he wants me to narrate for him. Which isn't happening, by the way. The lunatic is trying to steal my fucking voice!”
With shaky hands, I grabbed the icy handle, which turned, to my surprise.
“The door isn't locked,” I said. “Did he tie you up?”
The boy groaned. “Obviously! I can't fucking move!"
Opening the doors, I stopped, paralysed, and JJ’s voice faltered, breaking into a sob.
The contrast of red and white made my head spin.
”Can you… take off my blindfold? I'm… fuck, I'm terrified of the dark, man.”
I found my voice, stepping directly into warm red. It pooled between my toes.
“Sure.” I said.
I’ve been talking to a therapist about my reaction to what I found in my roommate's bathroom.
She says it was my mind trying to both deny and deal with trauma, but I'm pretty sure I had lost my fucking mind.
“I love your show.” I hummed, pulling out my phone and dialling 911. "You're a talented narrator."
9123.
9223.
912.
9013.
It took me five tries, and I think I threw up all over myself.
The toilet bowl was splattered with blood.
“I… thanks?” The boy let out a spluttered laugh.
I was aware of the ice cold steel of my phone pressed to my ear.
“You're welcome.”
”You've found me.” JJ whispered, when my gaze found the trash can overflowing with deep red, fleshy mounds of pink and white.
I wasn't staring at JJ Savrin.
“I... have.”
I was looking at his remnants.
Stuffed into the toilet bowl, a single lump of pink, wires protruding from it.
The thing pulsed, JJ Savrin’s cry collapsing into a robotic drone.
JJ’s voice didn't make sense.
It was alive. While he wasn't.
“So, why… why can't I see you?” His voice stuttered. "I can't see anything."
When I couldn't physically reply, he started to cry.
I heard every wet, human sounding sob.
“Are you… still… there?” He asked me, over and over again.
I didn't reply.
But he kept going, and I could hear them getting progressively more hysterical.
911 arrived quickly, and they were just as dumbfounded.
Terrified.
When the sherrifs department surrounded me, JJ spoke again. “What's your... name?”
The sheriff shook his head, but I couldn't stop myself.
“I'm Sadie.”
A pause, before, “Can you stay with me, Sadie?”
I nodded, on my knees, struggling to breathe.
“Yeah.” I said. “I'm here, JJ.”
I talked to him until a cop was leading me away, and even then, I was still talking to him. I didn't stop.
"What's your favorite food, JJ?"
He responded, still as that bulging, fleshy mess the deputies were trying to handle. It was supposed to be his brain, or the part of it that had been cut out.
I thought it was his voice box.
The night went by too fast. Flashing lights, and my Mom wrapping her arms around me. I remember her warm hands cradling my cheeks, but I was trying to pry her arms away, trying to find my way back to JJ Savrin.
It still feels like a blur, and this was almost a year ago.
Whatever was left of the narrator was disposed of. I wasn't even fully conscious, sitting in the back of an ambulance, my roommate's laptop squeezed to my chest.
The sheriff said it was evidence, but I didn't want to give it to them.
Due to the horrific nature of JJ Savrin’s murder, the full details were never released, and his full name was covered up. Nick and Elena have dumped the show, and the show itself has been wiped from existence. I heard Nick tried to kill himself a month ago.
Elena published a blog exposing what really happened to JJ, warning Youtube narrators.
It was deleted, of course, but she wasn't wrong.
I don't think people will go to extremes like my roommate, but human voices are precious.
Connor was taken away in cuffs, and he genuinely doesn't understand what he's done wrong. I think my roommate was so obsessed with views and comments, he would do anything to get them. And I was the one who pointed him to his victim.
The last thing he said to me was, “What? You told me to use a human voice!”
Crazy bastard.
In a way, though, this was my fault. And I'll live with this shit for the rest of my life. I've been in therapy for almost a year. What my roommate did still haunts me. I have reoccurring nightmares when Im back in that bathroom. But this time I can stop it.
This time, JJ Savrin is still alive, tied to a chair.
The worst thing that's wrong with him is a scar on his face.
I still feel like I'm covered in him, like my feet are wet with his blood.
Filthy.
I still have Connor’s laptop, and JJ is still with me.
At least, I like to think he is.
Edit: Last night, he asked me to kill him. But I don't know what part of him. There are no parts of him left, what can I kill?
Worse still, his voice is starting to sound more and more like AI. Like this thing is leeching onto the human parts of him clinging on. What should I do? Do I kill him and end it, or let him suffer? I think Connor didn't do this on his own. I keep getting messages from "anon" demanding payment.
Last night, a man came to see me, masquerading as an electrician.
He called himself Peter, and was all smiles.
Until he whispered in my ear.
“It really sucks about that narrator dude,” he murmured. “Where's your roommate's laptop?”
When I backed away, he grabbed me.
“We have fifteen stories on hold, sweetheart,” he said, “And we need our promised voice.” The guy’s smile made me nauseous. “Make sure to answer the door tomorrow, all right?”
He left with a wink, and I’m stuck with the laptop.
Fuck. I'm terrified. I can't stop fucking shaking. I've told the police, and I've given them a description of this man. But I think there are more.
Whoever helped Connor is hunting me down. And I think this freak wants what is left of JJ. His voice.
I'm not giving him to them.