Long read
I had this originally written under a previous post asking about potential health effects of Quetiapine in this sub. I thought it might be a little much to blow up on someone else’s question. So here is my (long ass) experience and current investigation underway with my rheumatologist in Boston who was an adjunct professor and graduate from Harvard with an expertise in pharmacokinetics.
This will be a dumbed down version the best I can explain as layman with a mere masters degree in physical therapy. While I have a strong grasp of the concepts and language, I may get verbiage or premises incorrect but I believe this will read mostly correct. If you’re a medical professional or chemist, feel free to correct me. Im no writer and I’m sure this will be evident by poor grammar and run on sentences but I did try to do a quick proofread. It’s Reddit though, so…whatever lol.
This is a super individualized account to my neurobiology. Much of it will read as though I’m trying to scare off anyone from ever taking this medication. If you get through it, you’ll see that my doctor’s theory mostly shows the opposite, and the safety profile is extremely good. The people at the highest risk of suffering my fate, that is if he is even correct because this is still just a theory(but well backed) are people in the large cohort of patients being prescribed Quetiapine off label for sleeplessness or “insomnia” as a primary diagnoses.(Spoiler: insomnia is not a real diagnosis, it’s a secondary symptom and why the manufacturer warns physicians against prescribing for sleep).
Seroquel destroyed my life. Prescribed by a “Noctor”(mid level nurse playing with shit she doesn’t know thinking she’s as smart as a doctor) an insane dose of 300mg a night for simple nighttime induced anxiety that messed with my sleep.
This was after suffering an issue where I was on the road and didn’t sleep at all for 4 days. I was really struggling and my employer paid for me to see one of the top psychiatrists on the planet that works specifically with people in my industry(entertainment). We happened to be coming up for a stop in Nashville(where she practiced) and they setup the appointment. I had 6 hours with her where she walked me through the fallacy of insomnia as a primary diagnosis, and that I needed to find the physical or psychological root cause. 90%+ of “insomnia” is just a secondary symptom of mild anxiety with a nighttime onset. That is what she diagnosed me with. Simple anxiety that was triggered at night because my career was so mentally vigorous and non stop that all anxiety was building up with no where to be expressed other than the only time my mind wasn’t occupied by work…laying in bed.
She sent my diagnosis back to my primary in New England and wrote me a script for 8mg of Xanax a month with instructions that I had 2x1mg doses per week to utilize as an emergency med but the goal would be through therapy and self moderation of work to utilize the medication as little as possible.
When I got home from my work trip the only appointment I could get was with the Noctor as my primary physician was booked out for almost 2 months. She looked at the diagnosis from a world class psychiatrist and inserted her own biases about Xanax use under any circumstance being extremely dangerous. Even as an emergency or rescue medication taken a couple times a month. So she choose to nuke my fucking brain with a high daily dose powerful antipsychotic for some night time anxiety.
For a year it was fine other than a little weight gain. Wasn’t too bad for me though because I worked 16+ hours a day on the road 9 months a year.
Then the nightmares started. Like insane, traumatic, horrifically vivid nightmares that would make Stephen king blush. I’ve seen every person and pet I’ve ever know or loved, including myself murdered gruesomely in the most gorey ways in realistic acts of violence, accidents, as well as supernatural monstrous hell fuel.
I’d wake up soaked, covered in sweat and my back and neck would be sore from my entire body being contorted and stiff in terrible positions whilst waking up completely hypertensive due to the vivid hellscape I just awoke from that was indistinguishable from reality.
I went back to her and begged her to change it because I was no longer feeling like I was sleeping. I was just going from one world to another and waking up feeling like I was just in a car accident. She told me it was the only thing she prescribes for sleep because everything else is addicting and dangerous. So I tried to tough it out but after a few more weeks couldn’t take it anymore. I got another appointment and told her I was done whether she liked it or not. I wasn’t getting any rest and I’d wake up in pain like I was hit by truck. She then essentially threatened me. She told me the only way to get off it was to see the psychiatrist at my practice and told me if I went anywhere else she would flag me as a drug seeker. The first date available with that psychiatrist…6 months. So I set an appointment as early as possible with my actual physician(nearly 2 month wait) and figured I’d start weening myself off and by the time I saw my doctor I would be fully off or mostly off.
About 2 days later(I hadn’t even reduced my first dose yet so I was still on 300mg) I was hospitalized. I woke up from my normal nighttime alternate universe of horror completely immobile from my armpits up. I wasn’t numb, but I woke up with my head kinked under my right arm and bent almost completely around. Any movement felt like my spine from my upper thoracic all the way through my cervical spine was going to snap. My wife had to call an ambulance because it was not loosening up like it normally would. While the paramedics tried to board me from my bed I went into shock from the pain and went unconscious.
I woke up in the hospital a few hours later where I learned the doctors had to pump some drug into me that essentially made all of my muscles go completely limp in order to move me out of the position because my muscles were so rigid they couldn’t untwist me. The ER doc said he had never seen anything like it outside of some extreme situations of rigor mortis when someone was found dead in an awkward position and the body locked into that position.
Even once released from that position I felt like I had a knife in my neck. The ER called into my primary physician to update them and they moved my appointment up. In the days that followed my neck only got worse. I couldn’t stand, sit or lay in the same position. I obviously stopped Seroquel immediately. I spent all day flat on my back crying with my wife encasing me in and changing ice packs every 15 minutes. I was ready to kill my self the pain was so bad.
When I saw my doctor a couple days later we were going over my records and I emphasized this was a direct result of the Seroquel that I begged to come off several times because of the side effects and I had learned that even the drug manufacturer didn’t approve of it being used off-label for sleep. She was shocked I was being prescribed 300mg for sleep. I asked her that if she was shocked, why would she approve it considering she was the supervising physician for the noctor that prescribed it to me? She showed me the offices internal notes and the noctor has diagnosed me with mania and disassociation.
Like, WTF!?
There was no record in the practices notes of the diagnoses and recommendations from the psychiatrist I saw in Nashville other than “patient saw a “pill doctor” out of state”, “says he has “anxiety”.
Reading through her notes it essentially accused me of psychosis and drug seeking because I saw a doctor out of state that prescribed me a medication she didn’t agree with.
On my doctor’s end in her oversight of her nurses prescribing she just saw that she was prescribing a patient Seroquel for manic episodes, which is a standard course of action. She agreed that this was a horrible misjudgment, viewed the physical copies of the notes I brought home from Nashville, and immediately changed me to that physicians plan of Xanax as an emergency/rescue med vs 300mg of Seroquel daily.
It was too late though. The pain in my neck never went away. I couldn’t move, I was completely bed bound. The pain in my neck felt like I was wide awake whilst someone dissected my cervical spine with a rusty box opener. They sent me to “interventional pain management” where they then did more non-fda approved “healthcare” by repetitively injecting corticosteroids into my spine.
It only got worse and worse. The pain began to spread from my cervical spine, down into my thoracic spine. I started losing feeling in my arm. Then it was neurological medications like gabapentinoids, muscle relaxers, high dose NSAIDs, tricyclic antidepressants, physical therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy etc…within 8 months that noctor was no longer employed at the office(I don’t officially know if it was from her destroying my life).
After about a year there was still no answers. I lost my job that I had busted my ass for over a decade climbing the industry ladder after getting and advanced degree, and was on the verge of losing my house because I was still completely bed bound 90% of the day.
My doctor out of desperation and lack of answers starts me on narcotic pain management. I had never once touched opioids outside of anesthesia inpatient surgeries related to sports injuries growing up. I was staunchly against the use of opioids outside of that setting. Other than some moderate cannabis use after college(when I was no longer being drug tested for the first time in 6 years) I was pretty brain washed by the drug war zealots. Now I’m a pariah. Both doctors and people in my social circles keep me at an arms length because people drank the koolaid and believe anyone taking an opioid must be a raging addict sucking dick for heroin.
I’ve managed to claw back and slow down the total collapse of my entire life because my pain is now controlled to about 60ish% by pain meds while I go doctor to doctor trying to figure this out. By working as a part time consultant in my industry I’m making just enough money to stop complete asset loss but I’m still eating into my retirement and investments. If it wasn’t for the fact that my wife makes a decent salary we’d already be homeless. Even then we’re hemorrhaging money and are likely going to have to sell our house. At 32 I was on track to retire by 50 and travel the world. Now at 37 I don’t know if I’ll be alive by this time at next year as the inflammation and connective tissue deterioration runs rampant.
Doctors absolutely hate and refuse to try and pin serious medical conditions on bad medical professionals or bad medication. I’ve been through every major “world famous” hospital system here in Boston and they’re willing to look for the answer everywhere accept where I’m telling them it started. Until a few months ago.
I hired a high profile private patient advocate. A woman who is a former internal medicine expert that was the lead in a department at Brigham with a PhD/MD from Harvard and her law degree from Cornell. She found me an expert here in Boston that is a rheumatologist who investigates pharmacokinetics. He produced several redacted papers by the patent holders on Seroquel that show them shutting down the research by a hired lab that found Tumor Necrosis Factor spikes in high doses of Seroquel administered to mice with normal neurological function. 3 other labs confirmed the research and wanted the medication held for retrial in humans.
TNF when not properly regulated by the immune system causes a cytokine storm attacking healthy tissue without the presence of disease/damaged tissue. This is the foundation of most autoimmune diseases.
Seroquel regulates various neurotransmission and endogenous processes in the brain when they are not at their normal levels. Even then the science isn’t perfect on it so often an SSRI is prescribed along side because SSRIs are better understood and it’s kind of a protection from the unknown actions of the Quetiapine(Seroquel).
If those neurotransmitters are functioning correctly and neurological function is fine, introducing something like Seroquel in high doses at constant intervals can be incredibly dangerous.
This is where the black box warnings and requests for bans from the manufacturer of seroquel about off label prescribing come from. They only reported redacted and halted research on TNF production increase associated with the drug because they only ever confirmed the research with mice.
This rheumatologist has essentially shown to me with pretty indisputable evidence that I’ve likely developed a severe medication induced autoimmune disease that is rapidly destroying the connective tissue in my spine and is now jumping to organs. It falls outside the diagnosis of any single autoimmune disease and can only really be classified as MAS(multiple autoimmune disease). Because the research papers are all heavily redacted and were never entered into peer review for final patenting and fda approval there is no case or action for me to bring.
Furthermore seroquel has a pretty high safety record because it’s statistically more normal to have an imbalance of the neurotransmitters that it regulates which means it’s rare to cause the reaction the research found with the mice. Most people have some form, even if mild, imbalance that most often goes without symptoms. But the manufacturers did know the consequences of introducing a high dosage of the compound to a perfectly balanced brain.
I fell into a perfect storm. My neurotransmission was such that a small dose of Seroquel daily likely wouldn’t have hurt me but it was as close to equilibrium that flooding it with a drug that regulates neurotransmission that I exhibited the same outcome as those mice forcing my immune system to drive up TNF production. There is a well known list of medications that can cause autoimmune diseases and the way the drug was patented and approved it escaped this labeling given the uncommon instances of the phenomenon.
I am now in the phase of trialing every biologic/TNF inhibitor known to man to try and get it under control before it completely disables me, or jumps to a vital organ and kills me.
This is still only a theory by an extremely educated expert in the field as autoimmune diseases and tumor necrosis factors are only recently in the last couple of decades becoming more understood. We got a more substantial confirmation that he is correct over the winter when I got my first case of Covid19. I rarely get sick. I am an extremely healthy person that exercises regularly(as much as possible through my pain now) as a former division 1 athlete and eats super clean and balanced. This was the first time since this began to see what my immune system did under duress.
My pain dropped by easily 50%. Meaning my immune system had something to do other than attack and inflame the healthy tissues in my joints and organs. While I felt like shit of course, my neurological pain dropped significantly. Within a week of recovering I had to increase my pain meds back to normal as everything became inflamed again.
The entire point of this rant is this: Seroquel is extremely dangerous…to a small population of people. This isn’t uncommon of most pharmaceuticals. It is a cautionary tale about the off label prescribing of this drug for sleep, and sleep only. DONT ALLOW IT TO HAPPEN TO YOU.
If a psychiatrist, neurologist, or behavioral therapist has well documented diagnostics and evaluation that leads them to believe you have a significant neurological imbalance that leads to a true psychiatric diagnosis you will almost certainly be just fine with Quetiapine.
Unfortunately Seroquel is the most prescribed off-label sleep medication on the market. It needs to be stopped. The primary indication for Seroquel cannot be “insomnia”. The manufacturers tried to hide the pharmacokinetic reasons as to why, but they did black box it and request physicians not to prescribe it for such. Read the insert. Back, neck, and joint pain are all warnings to speak to your doctor immediately and this is why.

X. Paternalism Without Father
…
The Managerial and Professional Elite as a Ruling Class
As even the rich lose the sense of place and historical continuity, the subjective feeling of “entitlement,” which takes inherited advantages for granted, gives way to what clinicians call “narcissistic entitlement” - grandiose illusions, inner emptiness. The advantages the rich confer on their children dwindle down to money alone. As the new elite discards the outlook of the old bourgeoisie, it identifies itself not with the work ethic and the responsibilities of wealth but with an ethic of leisure, hedonism, and self-fulfillment. Although it continues to administer American institutions in the interests of private property (corporate property as opposed to entrepreneurial property), it has replaced character building with permissiveness, the cure of souls with the cure of the psyche, blind justice with therapeutic justice, philosophy with social science, personal authority with an equally irrational authority of professional experts. It has tempered competition with antagonistic cooperation, while abolishing many of the rituals in which aggressive impulses formerly found civilized expression. It has surrounded people with “symbolically mediated information” and has substituted images of reality for reality itself. Without intending to, it has created new forms of illiteracy even in the act of setting up a system of universal education. It has undermined the family while attempting to rescue the family. It has torn away the veil of chivalry that once tempered the exploitation of women and has brought men and women face to face as antagonists. It has expropriated the worker’s knowledge of his craft and the mother’s “instinct” for childrearing, and has reorganized this knowledge as a body of esoteric lore accessible only to the initiated. The new ruling class has elaborated new patterns of dependence as effectively as its forebears eradicated the dependence of the peasant on his lord, the apprentice on his master, and the woman on her man.
I do not wish to imply a vast conspiracy against our liberties. These things have been done in broad daylight and have been done, on the whole, with good intentions. Nor have they arisen as a unified policy of social control. Social policy in the United States has unfolded in response to a series of immediate emergencies, and those who make policy seldom see beyond the problems at hand. The cult of pragmatism, moreover, justifies their unwillingness or inability to make far-reaching plans for the future. What unifies their actions is the need to promote and defend the system of corporate capitalism from which they - the managers and professionals who operate the system - derive most of the benefits. The needs of the system shape policy and set the permissible limits of public debate. Most of us can see the system but not the class that administers it and monopolizes the wealth it creates. We resist a class analysis of modern society as a “conspiracy theory.” Thus we prevent ourselves from understanding how our current difficulties arose, why they persist, or how they might be solved.
Progressivism and the Rise of the New Paternalism
The new paternalism emerged in the second half of the nineteenth century, found political expression in the progressive movement and later in the New Deal, and gradually worked its way into every corner of American society. The democratic revolution of the eighteenth and early nineteenth centuries, culminating in the Civil War, not only did away with monarchy but undermined established religion, landed elites, and finally overthrew the slaveholding oligarchy in the South. The revolution gave rise to a society based on individualism, competition, and the pursuit of the main chance. It also generated demands for further change, which came to a head in the period immediately following the Civil War. Having destroyed slavery in the name of free labor, the leaders of the democratic movement inadvertently encouraged northern workers to ask for the freedom to control the terms of their work, not merely to sell their labor at ruinous prices. The logic of democracy demanded the confiscation of Confederate estates and their distribution among the freedmen; it demanded woman suffrage; it demanded, in short, a more sweeping reorganization of society than its leaders had contemplated. Seeking merely to free property from its feudal and mercantile restrictions, bourgeois radicals in the 1860s and early 1870s found themselves confronted with an incipient attack on property itself, from which most of them recoiled in horror.
After the collapse of reconstruction and the radical agitation associated with it, American liberalism no longer spoke for the artisan, the small farmer, and the independent entrepreneur - the “producing classes” that had been the backbone of the democratic movement. Faced with unrest at home and with the spectacle of the Paris commune abroad, liberalism now identified itself, in the words of E. L. Godkin, with “the more well-to-do and observing classes.” It undertook to reform society from the top down - to professionalize the civil service, break the power of the urban machine, and put “the best men” into office. When such measures failed to stem the rising tide of labor militancy and agrarian radicalism, reformers brought forward their own version of the “cooperative commonwealth” in the name of progressivism: universal education, welfare capitalism, scientific management of industry and government. The New Deal completed what progressivism had begun, solidifying the foundations of the welfare state and adding much of the superstructure as well. In industry, scientific management gave way to the school of human relations, which tried to substitute cooperation for authoritarian control. But this cooperation rested on management’s monopoly of technology and the reduction of work to routines imperfectly understood by the worker and controlled by the capitalist. Similarly the expansion of welfare services presupposed the reduction of the citizen to a consumer of expertise.
American progressivism, which has successfully countered agrarian radicalism, the labor movement, and the feminist movement by enacting selective parts of their program, has now lost almost all trace of its origin in nineteenth-century liberalism. It has rejected the liberal conception of man, which assumed the primacy of rational self-interest, and has installed in its place a therapeutic conception which acknowledges irrational drives and seeks to divert them into socially constructive channels. It has rejected the stereotype of economic man and has attempted to bring the “whole man” under social control. Instead of regulating the conditions of work alone, it now regulates private life as well, organizing leisure time on scientific principles of social and personal hygiene. It has exposed the innermost secrets of the psyche to medical scrutiny and has thus encouraged habits of anxious self-scrutiny, superficially reminiscent of religious introspection but rooted in anxiety rather than a guilty conscience - in a narcissistic rather than a compulsive or hysterical type of personality.
Liberal Criticism of the Welfare State
The new modes of social control associated with the rise of progressivism having stabilized capitalism without solving any of its underlying problems - the gap between wealth and poverty, the failure of purchasing power to keep pace with productivity, economic stagnation. The new paternalism has kept social tensions from assuming political form, but it has not removed their source. As those tensions increasingly find expression in crime and random violence, critics have begun to ask whether the welfare system delivers all it promised. The system, moreover, has become more and more expensive to operate. Even those who remain loyal to the underlying premises of American capitalism have begun to express alarm about the mounting cost of maintaining it. Proposals to replace the welfare system with a guaranteed income or a negative income tax have gained a sympathetic hearing. In his book on old age, David Hackett Fischer argues that a national inheritance system, whereby a gift of capital at birth would accumulate interest and provide for the citizen in his old age, would prove “cheaper than present arrangements.” The modification or abandonment of the welfare system now presents itself not as a Utopian dream but as a matter of sound business practice.
The health and welfare industries, which have done so much to promote the new paternalism by professionalizing activities formerly carried on in the workshop, the neighborhood, or the home, have themselves begun to harbor second thoughts about the results of their own labors. Members of the “helping professions” have begun to question the efficiency of the public institutions and welfare agencies that monopolize the knowledge formerly administered by ordinary citizens - the hospital, the mental asylum, the juvenile court. The medical profession, after upholding the hospital as an indispensable alternative to the family, now begins to think that patients might be better off if they were allowed to die at home. Psychiatrists have been speculating along similar lines, not only because existing facilities are overcrowded but because they have failed to achieve the high rates of cure once predicted with such confidence. Lawyers have begun to criticize the courts for removing “neglected” children from their homes without evidence that such children suffer serious harm and without proof that institutionalization or transfer to foster parents provides any solution. Even the school’s claim on the child has begun to give way to parental claims. In Wisconsin v. Yoder (1972), the Supreme Court ruled that Amish parents have a right to keep their children out of the public schools. “The child is not the mere creature of the State,” the court said; “those who nurture him and direct his destiny have the right, coupled with the high duty, to recognize and prepare him for additional obligations.”
Even with the best intentions, however, those who criticize the welfare state within the assumptions underlying a capitalist economy cannot bring themselves to confront the revolution in social relations that abandonment of the welfare system would require. Liberal criticism of the new paternalism resembles the “humanization” of the workplace, which tries to give the worker the illusion of participation while leaving management in undiminished control. The attempt to mitigate the monotony of the assembly line by allowing the worker to perform more than a single operation does not alter the condition that degrades work - the monotony of the assembly line by allowing the worker to perform more than a single operation does not alter the condition that degrades work - the monopoly of technical knowledge by means of which management designs all phases of production, while the worker merely carries out the bidding of the planning department. Recent proposals to modify the welfare system suffer from the same kind of limitation. Thus a study of the family commissioned by the Carnegie Corporation takes issue with the conventional assumption of parental incompetence while leaving unchallenged the definition of parents as consumers of professional services. Kenneth Keniston and the other authors of the Carnegie report, conscious of belonging to “an emerging consensus,” hold that parents “are still the world’s greatest experts about the needs of their own children.” They recognize that many of the agencies ostensibly ministering to the family have undermined the family instead. The parental “malaise,” according to Keniston, lies in “the sense of having no guidelines or supports for raising children, the feeling of not being in control as parents, and the widespread sense of personal guilt for what seems to be going awry.”
The rehabilitation of parenthood, it appears, implies an attack on professionalism and the welfare state. Yet Keniston stops well short of such an attack. He takes for granted the family’s dependence on experts and seeks merely to regularize and regulate this relationship. “Few people would dispute that we live in a society where parents must increasingly rely on others for help and support in raising their children.” The family economy has disappeared; children represent a financial liability rather than an asset; the school has taken over the family’s education functions; and the medical profession has assumed most of the responsibility for health care. These changes, according to Keniston, leave parents in the position of “executives in a large firm - responsible for the smooth coordination of the many people and processes that must work together to produce the final product.”
This line of analysis leads to the conclusion not that parents should collectively assert their control over childrearing but that federal policy should seek to equalize the relationship between experts and parents. Yet Keniston’s own reasoning shows that parents occupy a position closer to proletarians than to executives. As things now stand, according to Keniston, “parents have little authority over those with whom they share the task of raising their children”; they “deal with those others from a position of inferiority of helplessness.” The obvious reason for this is that the state, not the parents, pays the bill for professional services, or at least signs the paychecks. (The citizens, as taxpayers, pay in the end.) If parents organized and hired their own experts, things might be different.
It goes without saying that such solutions do not commend themselves to members of the policy-making establishment. Measures of this kind are too closely associated with populism, localism, and residual resistance to centralized progress. They have become doubly objectionable, and for reasons the force of which even enemies of the establishment must acknowledge, in the wake of the Ocean Hill-Brownsville battle of the late sixties, when “community control” degenerated into reverse racism and education into racial propaganda. Yet the alternative to community control is more bureaucracy. Instead of confronting the choice, liberal reformers try to have things both ways. While advocating an expansion of government services to the family, a federal guarantee of full employment, improved protection of children’s legal rights, and a vastly expanded program of health care, they propose to strengthen “parent participation” in all these programs. They treat the ascendancy of experts as an unavoidable condition of industrial society, even when they seek to qualify they ascendancy of experts as an unavoidable condition of industrial society, even when they seek to qualify this ascendancy by improving the position of consumers. They assume that the requirements of a complex society dictate the triumph of factory production over handicraft production and the ascendancy of the “helping professions” over the family.
Bureaucratic Dependence and Narcissism
Recent studies of professionalization show that professionalism did not emerge, in the nineteenth and early twentieth centuries, in response to clearly defined social needs. Instead, the new professions themselves invented many of the needs they claimed to satisfy. They played on public fears of disorder and disease, adopted a deliberately mystifying jargon, ridiculed popular traditions of self-help as backward and unscientific, and in this way created or intensified (not without opposition) a demand for their own services. The evidence of professional self-promotion can no longer be dismissed by reasserting the sociological truism that “modern society involves the individual in relations … that are vastly more complex than [those] his ancestors … had to content with.”
The family’s dependence on professional services over which it has little control represents one form of a more general phenomenon: the erosion of self-reliance and ordinary competence by the growth of giant corporations and of the bureaucratic state that serves them. The corporations and the state now control so much of the necessary know-how that Durkheim’s image of society as the “nourishing mother,” from whom all blessings flow, more and more coincides with the citizen’s everyday experience. The new paternalism has replaced personal dependence not with bureaucratic rationality, as theorists of modernization (beginning with Max Weber) have almost unanimously assumed, but with a new form of bureaucratic dependence. What appears to social scientists as a seamless web of “interdependence” represents in fact the dependence of the individual on the organization, the citizen on the state, the worker on the manager, and the parent on the “helping professions.” The “consensus of the competent,” as Thomas L. Haskell refers to the professions in his study of the professionalization of social science, came into being by reducing the layman to incompetence.
As retributive justice gives way to therapeutic justice, what began as a protest against moral oversimplification ends by destroying the very sense of moral responsibility. Therapeutic justice perpetuates childlike dependence into adulthood and deprives the citizen of legal resources against the state. Formerly law rested on an adversary relation between the state and the offender and acknowledged the superior power of the state by giving important procedural advantages to the defendant. Medical jurisprudence, on the other hand, implicates the offender in his own control. Relieved of moral responsibility when certified into the sick role, he cooperates with the doctors in his own “cure.”
The psychiatric critique of the law, like the therapeutic attack on authority in general, makes a virtue of substituting personal treatment for the impersonal, arbitrary authority of the courts. Thus a specialist in the sociology of law, acknowledging his intention to “substitute scientific therapies for legal sanctions - for ‘justice’” - once deplored the irrationality of legal procedures: “There is in the concept of justice an element of ‘fate’, which is absent in the concept of scientific treatment. The offender simply gets what he himself initiated…. Society as a whole is blameless. The criminal himself was the one who chose.” Whereas “the lawyer’s way of handling a human problem is typically non-scientific,” therapy treats the criminal or patient as a victim and thus puts matters in their proper light. The shift from “sin” to “sickness,” according to this writer, represents the first step toward “the introduction of science and personal reactions [into] human conflicts” and to the recognition of social problems as medical problems, in which “cooperation with the therapist” becomes “probably the most critical problem for the deviant.”
Medical justice shares with enlightened childrearing and pedagogy a tendency to promote dependence as a way of life. Therapeutic modes of thought and practice exempt their object, the patient, from critical judgment and relieve him of moral responsibility. Sickness by definition represents an invasion of the patient by forces outside his conscious control, and the patient’s realistic recognition of the limits of his own responsibility - his acceptance of his diseased and helpless condition - constitutes the first step toward recovery (or permanent invalidism, as the case may be). Therapy labels as sickness what might be judged as weak or willful actions; it thus equips the patient to fight (or resign himself to) the disease, instead of irrationally finding fault with himself. Inappropriately extended beyond the consulting room, however, therapeutic morality encourages a permanent suspension of the moral sense. There is a close connection, in turn, between the erosion of moral responsibility and the waning of the capacity for self-help - in the categories used by John R. Seeley, between the elimination of culpability and the elimination of competence. “What says ‘you are not guilty’ says also ‘you cannot help yourself.’” Therapy legitimates deviance as sickness, but it simultaneously pronounces the patient unfit to manage his own life and delivers him into the hands of a specialist. As therapeutic points of view and practice gain general acceptance, more and more people find themselves disqualified, in effect, from the performance of adult responsibilities and become dependent on some form of medical authority.
The psychological expression of this dependence is narcissism. In its pathological form, narcissism originates as a defense against feelings of helpless dependency in early life, which it tries to counter with “blind optimism” and grandiose illusions of personal self-sufficiency. Since modern society prolongs the experience of dependence into adult life, it encourages milder forms of narcissism in people who might otherwise come to terms with the inescapable limits on their personal freedom and power - limits inherent in the human condition - by developing competence as workers and parents. But at the same time that our society makes it more and more difficult to find satisfaction in love and work, it surrounds the individual with manufactured fantasies of total gratification. The new paternalism preaches not self-denial but self-fulfillment. It sides with narcissistic impulses and discourages their modification by the pleasure of becoming self-reliant, even in a limited domain, which under favorable conditions accompanies maturity. While it encourages grandiose dreams of omnipotence, moreover, the new paternalism undermines more modest fantasies, erodes the capacity to suspend disbelief, and thus makes less and less accessible the harmless substitute-gratifications, notably art and play, that help to mitigate the sense of powerlessness and the fear of dependence that otherwise express themselves in narcissistic traits.
Our society is narcissistic, then, in a double sense. People with narcissistic personalities, although not necessarily more numerous than before, play a conspicuous part in contemporary life, often rising to positions of eminence. Thriving on the adulation of the masses, these celebrities set the tone of public life and of private life as well, since the machinery of celebrity recognizes no boundaries between the public and the private realm. The beautiful people - to use this revealing expression to include not merely wealthy globetrotters but all those who bask, however briefly, in the full glare of the cameras - live out the fantasy of narcissistic success, which consists of nothing more substantial than a wish to be vastly admired, not for one’s accomplishments but simply for oneself, uncritically and without reservation.
Modern capitalist society not only elevates narcissists to prominence, it elicits and reinforces narcissistic traits in everyone. It does this in many ways: by displaying narcissism so prominently and in such attractive forms; by undermining parental authority and thus making it hard for children to grow up; but above all by creating so many varieties of bureaucratic dependence. This dependence, increasingly widespread in a society that is not merely paternalistic but maternalistic as well, makes it increasingly difficult for people to lay to rest the terrors of infancy or to enjoy the consolations of adulthood.
The Conservative Critique of Bureaucracy
Criticism of the new paternalism, insofar as it remains imprisoned in the assumptions of political liberalism, objects to the cost of maintaining a welfare state - the “human cost” as well as the cost to the taxpayers - without criticizing the ascendancy of the managerial and professional class. Another line of attack, which singles out bureaucracy as the overriding evil, arises out of a conservative idealization of old-fashioned individualism. Less equivocal in its opposition to bureaucratic centralization - except when it comes from right-wingers who denounce government regulation of industry and still plead for a gigantic military establishment - the conservative critique of bureaucracy superficially resembles the radical critique outlined in the present study. It deplores the erosion of authority, the corruption of standards in the schools, and the spread of permissiveness. But it refuses to acknowledge the connection between these developments and the rise of monopoly capitalism - between bureaucracy in government and bureaucracy in industry.
“The general historical conflict between individualism and collectivism is dividing mankind into two hostile camps,” wrote Ludwig von Mises in his study of bureaucracy. Capitalist free enterprise, he argued, rests on the rational calculation of profit and loss, whereas bureaucratic management “cannot be checked by economic calculation.” Extended beyond its legitimate domain of law enforcement and national defense, bureaucracy undermines individual initiative and substitutes “government control for free enterprise.” It substitutes the dictatorship of the state for the rule of law. Free-market capitalism, by turning labor into a commodity, “makes the wage earner free from any personal dependence” and detaches “appraisal of each individual’s effort … from any personal considerations.” Bureaucratic collectivism, on the other hand, undermines the “cool rationality and objectivity of capitalist relations” and renders the “plain citizen” dependent on the “professional propagandist of bureaucratization,” who confuses the citizen with his “empty catchwords” and esoteric obfuscation. “Under capitalism everybody is the architect of his own fortune.” But under socialism - and “there is no compromise possible between these two systems,” according to Mises, “no third system” - the “way toward promotion is not achievement but the favor of the superiors.”
This argument suffers from the conservative’s idealization of the personal autonomy made possible by the free market and his willingness to concede enormous war-making powers to the state, so long as they do not interfere with “private” enterprise.” It cannot explain the spread of bureaucracy into industry itself. “The trend toward bureaucratic rigidity is not inherent in the evolution of business,” according to Mises. “It is an outcome of government meddling with business.” Such is his reply to the liberal argument that the inexorable trend toward economic concentration gives rise to a growing gap between ownership and control of the corporation, creates a new managerial elite, and calls into being a centralized state as the only agency capable of controlling it. The liberal analysis itself, however, needs modification. It is not the “divorce between ownership and control” that has created the managerial oligarchy but the divorce between production and planning. Having achieved a complete separation of handwork and brainwork, management monopolizes technical knowledge and reduces the workers to a human machine; but the administration and continual elaboration of this knowledge require an ever-growing managerial apparatus, itself organized on the principles of the factory with its intricate subdivision of tasks. Studies of progressivism and the New Deal have shown that government regulation of business often arose in response to the demands of businessmen themselves. Regulatory agencies draw most of their personnel from business. Neither the regulatory nor the welfare policies of the state rest on “an implacable hatred of private business and free enterprise,” as Mises claims. On the contrary, regulation controls competition and stabilizes the market, while the welfare system socializes the “human costs” of capitalist production - rising unemployment, inadequate wage scales, inadequate insurance against sickness and old age - and helps to forestall more radical solutions.
It is true that a professional elite of doctors, psychiatrists, social scientists, technicians, welfare workers, and civil servants now plays a leading part in the administration of the state and of the “knowledge industry.” But the state and the knowledge industry overlap at so many points with the business corporation (which has increasingly concerned itself with every phase of culture), and the new professionals share so many characteristics with the managers of industry, that the professional elite must be regarded not as an independent class but as a branch of modern management. The therapeutic ethic, which has replaced the nineteenth-century utilitarian ethic, does not serve the “class interest” of professionals alone, as Daniel P. Moynihan and others have argued; it serves the interests of monopoly capitalism as a whole. Moynihan points out that by emphasizing impulse rather than calculation as the determinant of human conduct, and by holding society responsible for the problems confronting individuals, a “government-oriented” professional class has attempted to create a demand for its own services. Professionals, he observes, have a vested interest in discontent, because discontented people turn to professional services for relief. But the same principle underlies all of modern capitalism, which continually tries to create new demands and new discontents that can be assuaged only by the consumption of commodities. Moynihan, aware of this connection, tries to present the professional as the successor to the capitalist. The ideology of “compassion,” he says, serves the class interest of the “post-industrial surplus of functionaries who, in the manner of industrialists who earlier turned to advertising, induce demand for this own products.”
Professional self-aggrandizement, however, grew up side by side with the advertising industry and must be seen as another phase of the same process, the transition from competitive capitalism to monopoly capitalism. The same historical development that turned the citizen into a client transformed the worker from a producer into a consumer. Thus the medical and psychiatric assault on the family as a technologically backward sector went hand in hand with the advertising industry’s drive to convince people that store-brought goods are superior to homemade goods. Both the growth of management and proliferation of professions represent new forms of capitalist control, which first established themselves in the factory and then spread throughout society. The struggle against bureaucracy therefore requires a struggle against capitalism itself. Ordinary citizens cannot resist professional dominance without also asserting control over production and over the technical knowledge on which modern production rests. A reassertion of “common sense,” according to Mises, will “prevent man from falling prey” to the “illusory fantasies” of professional bureaucrats. But common sense is not enough. In order to break the existing pattern of dependence and put an end to the erosion of competence, citizens will have to take the solution of their problems into their own hands. They will have to create their own “communities of competence.” Only then will the productive capacities of modern capitalism, together with the scientific knowledge that now serves it, come to serve the interests of humanity instead.
In a dying culture, narcissism appears to embody - in the guise of personal “growth” and “awareness” - the highest attainment of spiritual enlightenment. The custodians of culture hope, at bottom, merely to survive its collapse. The will to build a better society, however, survives, along with traditions of localism, self-help, and community action that only need the vision of a new society, a decent society, to give them new vigor. The moral discipline formerly associated with the work ethic still retains a value independent of the role it once played in the defense of property rights. That discipline - indispensable to the task of building a new order - endures most of all in those who knew the old order only as a broken promise, yet who took the promise more seriously than those who merely took it for granted.

IV. The Banality of Pseudo-Self-Awareness: Theatrics of Politics and Everyday Existence
...
Hero Worship and Narcissistic Idealization
On the fringes of the radical movement, many tortured spirits actively sought a martyrdom made doubly attractive by the glamour of modern publicity. The left, with its vision of social upheaval, has always attracted more than its share of lunatics, but the media have conferred a curious sort of legitimacy on antisocial acts merely by reporting them. The streaker at a football game becomes for a moment the center of all eyes. The criminal who murders or kidnaps a celebrity takes on the glamour of his victim. The Manson gang with their murder of Sharon Tate and her friends, the Symbionese Liberation Army with its abduction of Patty Hearst, share with the presidential assassins and would-be assassins of recent years a similar psychology. Such people display, in exaggerated form, the prevailing obsession with celebrity and a determination to achieve it even at the cost of rational self-interest and personal safety. The narcissist divides society into two groups: the rich, great, and famous on the one hand and the common herd on the other. Narcissistic patients, according to Kernberg, “are afraid of not belonging to the company of the great, rich, and powerful, and of belonging instead to the ‘mediocre,’ by which they mean worthless and despicable rather than ‘average’ in the ordinary sense of the term.” They worship heroes only to turn against them when their heroes disappoint them. “Unconsciously fixated on an idealized self-object for which they continue to year, … such persons are forever searching for external omnipotent powers from whose support and approval they attempt to derive strength.” Thus the presidential assassin establishes with his victim a deadly intimacy, follows his movements, attaches himself to his rising star. The machinery of mass promotion, encourages this identification by simultaneously exalting and humanizing the Olympians, endowing them with the same appetites and eccentricities that we recognize in our neighbors. Through his desperate act, the assassin or would-be assassin joins their exalted company. Assassination itself becomes a form of spectacle, and the inner lives of assassins - Oswald’s difficulties with Marina, the state of Bremer’s soul as recorded in his diary - provide the same popular entertainment as the private lives of their victims or near-victims.
Narcissistic patients, according to Kernberg, “often admire some hero or outstanding individual” and experience themselves as part of that outstanding person.” They see the admired individual as “merely an extension of themselves.” If the person rejects them, “they experience immediate hatred and fear, and react by devaluing the former idol.” Just as heroism differs in subtle ways from celebrity, so hero worship, which esteems the hero’s actions and hopes to emulate them or at least to prove worthy of his example, must be distinguished from narcissistic idealization. The narcissist admires and identifies himself with “winners” out of his fear of being labeled a loser. He seeks to warm himself in their reflected glow; but his feelings contain a strong admixture of envy, and his admiration often turns to hatred if the object of his attachment does something to remind him of his own insignificance. The narcissistic lacks the confidence in his own abilities that would encourage him to model himself on another person’s exalted example. Thus the narcissistic fascination with celebrity, so rampant in our society, coincides historically with what Jules Henry calls “the erosion of the capacity for emulation, loss of the ability to model one’s self consciously after another person” One of the high school students interviewed by Henry said flatly, “I think a person shouldn’t mold himself after someone else.”

• To pick a person after whom to model one’s self [Henry writes] is an aggressive act of will, and Bill is much too anxious and passive to do it… When cynicism, resignation, and passivity and resignation sap the will necessary to the emulative decision. But positively, in order for a morally sound emulative choice to be made there must be present some faith in one’s self, a certain amount of naive optimism and a certain quantity of will.

When the superego consists not so much of conscious ego ideals but of unconscious, archaic fantasies about parents of superhuman size, emulation becomes almost entirely unconscious and expresses not the search for models but the emptiness of self-images. The protagonist of Heller’s Something Happened, who completely lacks “naive optimism” and a sense of self, experiences an “almost enslaving instinct to be like just about everyone I find myself with. It happens not only in matters of speech, but with physical actions as well…. It operates unconsciously, … with a determination of its own, in spite of my vigilance and aversion, and usually I do not realize I have slipped into someone else’s personality until I am already there.”
The narcissist cannot identify with someone else without seeing the other as an extension of himself, without obliterating the other’s identity. Incapable of identification, in the first instance with parents and other authority figures, he is therefore incapable of hero worship or of the suspension of disbelief that makes it possible to enter imaginatively into the lives of others while acknowledging their independent existence. A narcissistic society worships celebrity rather than fame and substitutes spectacle for the older forms of theater, which encourages identification and emulation precisely because they carefully preserved a certain distance between the audience and the actors, the hero worshipper and the hero.
VII. The Socialization of Reproduction and the Collapse of Authority
…
The Cult of Authenticity
Since critique of permissiveness seldom challenged psychiatric orthodoxy, it soon hardened into a new dogma of its own - the dogma of authenticity. Earlier experts had advised the parent to follow one or another set of prescriptions; now the experts told him to trust his own feelings. Whatever he did was right as long as he did it spontaneously. “Children are not easily fooled about true feelings,” warned Dr. Bruch. “Parent effectiveness training,” warned Dr. Bruch. “Parent effectiveness training,” the latest vogue in child-rearing, has popularized the cult of authenticity that began to emerge in the fifties. Like other forms of psychic self-help, parent effectiveness training teaches the need to “get in touch with your feelings” and to base everyday intercourse on the communication of these feelings to others. If parents can understand their own needs and wishes and convey them to their children, encouraging children to reciprocate in the same fashion, they can eliminate many sources of friction and conflict. Objective statements should be excluded from discourse with the child, according to this reasoning , in the first place because no one can argue rationally about beliefs and in the second place because statements about reality convey ethical judgements and therefore arouse strong emotions. “When a child says, ‘I never have good luck,’ no argument or explanation will change this belief.” “When a child tells of an event, it is sometimes helpful to respond, not to the event itself, but to the feelings around it.” Since “all feelings are legitimate,” their expression should be greeted neither with praise nor with blame. If a child does something to annoy the parent, the parent should express his annoyance instead of condemning the child or the action. If the child expresses emotions that seem incommensurate with the occasion, the parent, instead of pointing out this discrepancy - instead of making an objective statement about reality and the emotions appropriate to it - should indicate to the child that he understands the child’s feelings and acknowledges his right to express them. “It is more important for a child to know what he feels than why he feels it.” The child needs to learn “that his own anger is not catastrophic, that is can be discharged without destroying anyone.”
The cult of authenticity reflects the collapse of parental guidance and provides it with a moral justification. It confirms, and clothes in the jargon of emotional liberation, the parent’s helplessness to instruct the child in the ways of the world or to transmit ethical precepts. By glorifying this impotence as a higher form of awareness, it legitimizes the proletarianization of parenthood - the appropriation of childrearing techniques by the “helping professions.” As John R. Seeley noted in 1959, the transfer of parental knowledge to other agencies parallels the expropriation of the worker’s technical knowledge by modern management - “the taking over from the worker of the sad necessity of providing himself with the means of production.” By “helpfully” relieving the worker from “such onerous responsibilities” as the provision of his own and his children’s needs, society has freed him, as Seeley wrote, “to become a soldier in the army of production and a cipher in the process of decision.”
The revolt against behavioral and progressive dogmas, which exaggerated the parent’s power to deform the child, has encouraged society to hold the parent “only marginally accountable,” as Mark Gerzon has recently observed, “for his child’s growth…. Obstetricians take charge at birth, pediatricians are responsible for a child’s ailments and cures; the teacher for his intelligence;…. the supermarket and good industry for his food; television for his myths.” Ironically, the devaluation of parenthood coincides with a belated movement to return to the family functions it has surrendered to the apparatus of organized therapy and tuition. Rising rates of crime, juvenile delinquency, suicide, and mental breakdown have finally convinced many experts, even many welfare workers, that welfare agencies furnish a poor substitute for the family. Dissatisfaction with the results of socialized welfare and the growing expense of maintaining it now prompt efforts to shift health and welfare functions back to the home.
…

I’ve been thinking about this for a long time now, and I’m honestly astonished no one else has talked about it before, at least as far as I’ve seen. Ever since picking up the show last spring, Master Shake has always fascinated me, no doubt in part due to Dana Snyder’s amazing delivery of him. He instantly caught my attention by being a lovable, foolish dork while also being equally callous and quick to anger, depending on the situation. Clashing elements that unified into a somehow coherent whole.
Shake lacks empathy, though, that isn’t to say he has no empathy (More about that here). To pair with his habit of using others for his own benefit with little consideration of how it will affect them along with his propensity for reckless risk-taking, Shake looks an awful lot like a little something called a sociopath. However, while Shake has anti-social traits, it’s actually unlikely he is one. It takes a keen eye to spot them, but there are a few key places where he falls short – namely, his self-worth. While Master Shake affects a superiority complex, make no mistake – this is an act, no matter how unconscious it is. Every so often, a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it hint to his true feelings will slip pass, which only added to my intrigue. I explained this in more detail in a post here.
So if Shake isn’t a sociopath, then what is he? Well, diagnosing somebody is a complicated process, nobody’s diagnosis is simple or covers everything, and it’s more than just checking off boxes. There’s a certain nuance and technique about the process that requires multiple layers of observation, as well as a certain level of understanding of the psyche. It’s also important to note that while I do know what I’m talking about, I am not a licensed professional yet. With all that said, although Shake shows symptoms of multiple mental disorders like Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, C-PTSD, and is possibly on the Autism spectrum, it is of my belief that Master Shake exhibits many of the characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder.
For a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (or BPD), One must meet 5 or more of the following 9 criteria: profound fear of abandonment, unstable relationships, a lack of a sense of self, chronic feelings of emptiness, uncontrollable anger, paranoia or dissociative episodes, mood instability, impulsivity, and finally, suicidal behavior. Throughout the 12 seasons of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Master Shake possess all 9 of these symptoms, ranging from either severe or extreme.
Before I continue, I want to note that I am not trying to force you to like Shake. I am simply writing this to offer another perspective to the oft misunderstood ‘leader’ of the Aqua Teens, one that is more realistic and earnest. Master Shake is a tragic, yet beautifully written character, deserving of any of the love he’s given, but is sometimes given it for all the wrong reasons.
Firstly, the fear of being abandoned is prevalent in patients with BPD, and we see Shake’s abandonment issues multiple times. The earliest is in “Ol’ Drippy”, Shake becomes incredibly angry at Frylock, Meatwad, and Carl for what he perceives as one of his worst fears being realized: them abandoning and replacing him with Ol’ Drippy. The strongest example, however, is in “The The” when Frylock moves out after Shake trashes their home in the midst of a manic breakdown, something even Shake indirectly admits to not understanding why he did it all. Afterwards, Shake continues to hopelessly spiral deeper into his manic episode of extremely dangerous, self-destructive, and suicidal behaviors, affecting both himself and Meatwad. He makes it very clear he wants nothing to do with Frylock, angry and hurt from Frylock’s abandonment of them both. He goes so far as to insist they never speak about their older brother ever again and ‘punishing’ Meatwad cruelly for daring to doing so, likely fearing Frylock taking Meatwad from him, leaving him further abandoned. As the days pass and the two get sicker, Shake’s brought down from his delirium to better times by Frylock’s final visit. Filled with a deep nostalgia and wistfulness, Master Shake clings on to his big brother and desperately tries to convince him to stay. In a frantic attempt to cover up the pain and hurt he felt upon being abandoned – to try and drown out the feeling of being unwanted, undesirable, and alone – he took it out on both Meatwad and on himself.
While Shake will often close himself off from others to avoid the possibly of abandonment or rejection, he is also all too willing to become easily and overly attached to others when he’s given the intimacy he so eagerly craves. The best example of this being in “Freda”, but is also seen in "Dusty Gonzongas", “Frat Aliens”, and “IAMAPOD”. Holding onto an extreme codependency on others, Shake will ardently attach himself onto anyone who gives him even the slightest amount of liking or acceptance, no matter how fake it is. For example, he's hostile to Freda in the beginning, but falls obsessively head over heels for her upon learning they had a common interest. Master Shake doesn’t just adore Freda, he strongly identifies with her. He has no long-term goals, no truly solid relationships, and few hobbies, or commitments. His days seem to revolve around the time he can spend with Freda, even proposing to her after only a few days of dating her. When she jilts and abandons him in favor of Carl, he catastrophizes; his life is over. After all, what other meaning or warmth is there to his existence besides his ‘bond’ with Freda?
Moving on to other instances, Shake interacted with Dusty Gonzongas for 3 minutes at maximum - yes, I timed it - and is later convinced he is in love with her, going through hoops just to get her attention. He had just met the Frat Aliens, only talked to them briefly before they passed out, then becomes so obsessed with DP as to cling onto him and admit to wanting to be apart of him, wishing to sew themselves together. Why? Because he was nice to Shake. DP let Shake join his drinking and partying – gave him the slightest hint of acceptance – and that was enough to hook Shake. In "IAMAPOD", Shake's scared and hides away from the pod at first, but then puts himself in an extremely vulnerable position, being drunk - which was actually the pod's plan and even justifies the pod's malicious intent to hurt him… because he was complimented by it. To add on top of that, Shake's relationship with the pod falls apart following an argument the next day.
This flows into the next visible symptom: unstable relationships. Most relationships for Borderline Individuals fluctuate excessively between idealization and devaluation; one day the person in question could love you credulously, and then the next feel as though they detest your very existence. This is explicitly shown several times, and with Shake's relationship with Meatwad in particular. With Shake’s judgement failing to accord with a nuanced reality, his feelings and perceptions of Meatwad and, to a lesser extent, Frylock are very inconsistent, but the pattern is there. Where one moment he will be jovial and having a good time with Meatwad, the next he will be mistreating and abusing him over something as innocent as an off-hand comment made as a surface-level joke. When confronted with overwhelming feelings of betrayal, disappointment, or abandonment, Master Shake’s first instinct is to devalue the ones who he once idealized, and this will sometimes include himself.
There are two things Master Shake seems to believe: that you can neatly separate the world into allies and enemies, and that any cruelty is allowed if someone falls into the latter category. An eye for an eye. Anyone Shake deems to be in need of ‘correcting’ both knows and deserves what’s coming to them. Master Shake perceives the world to be full of 1s and 0s, people are either all good or all bad. Because of this, he flip flops rapidly and starkly between liking someone and despising them with little to no gray area. These shifts are sudden with very little warning or awareness on Shake’s part.
Regarding his idealization, the next symptom Shake possesses is a lack of a sense of self; people with BPD will often start to mirror the personality of the emotionally closest person to them, or otherwise attempt to supplant their personality in some way. There are many examples of Shake changing himself to support his delusional self-image and low self-esteem, a great handful of these examples being: “Super Hero” when he attempts to mimic classic comic book superheros, “Supermodel” where he tries to augment his appearance to be ‘better’ than he is by mutilating his own body, “Dirtfoot” wherein he tries to mimic the main character - and consequences - of an erotic TV show, “Boost Mobile” in which he adopts the traits and personality of a flip phone he seemingly just met, “A PE Christmas” when he literally steals Flavor Flav’s identity, “Freedom Cobra” during which he copies a random tattooed stranger whom he envies, and finally “The Dudies” where he does his best to imitate Carl.
While there’s multiple examples to speak about, the most evident and obvious example is “The Dudies.” After learning of a contest for ‘coolest dude’, Shake goes to Carl for advice on how to be cool in order to win. Shake admits he looks up to Carl and – as a consequence – is ultimately all too willing to let Carl use and exploit him. Through the entire episode, Shake strives for approval – primarily from Carl and Frylock; when Frylock offers nothing but disapproval, Shake’s attention turns to the one offering even the meagerest crumbs of approval: Carl. Master Shake masks the deep-seated shame in himself – an unfounded, but non-the-less real aspect – and seeks validation in that mask from any source – even the smallest shred of it from the most ill-meaning of sources; much like a parched beast chasing a mirage of water.
Deeply struggling with intimacy and boundaries, when someone is close, a fear that they’ll see his vulnerability, the insecurities he’s ashamed of, or that they will inevitably reject and leave him spreads across Shake’s being. He feels infringed upon or even compromised. In response, Shake splits and pushes them away – further isolating himself in the process. When someone is distant, however, an indignation ignites alongside a desolate pain of being alone and abandoned that fuels his hatred evermore. He discerns their distance as a sleight against him, something that needs to be rectified – violently, if need be. How dare they treat him with such aloofness?
As a result of his chronically shifting world-view as well as a myriad of his other issues, Master Shake is often alienated and ostracized by his roommates – and on occasion, society. While this detachment is understandable, perhaps even justified, it only serves to ironically worsen the accursed tempest that is Master Shake.
Although he denies it, the lack of a stable home has imbued inside Shake an intense loneliness. A drab and lonesome boredom, and this isn’t alleviated in the least by his lack of personable immediate peers. Of his roommates, Frylock is an instigating element, and Meatwad – whether from being too immature or too young – can’t fully comprehend or appreciate his struggles. His final immediate peer in Carl is a denigrating element which uses him, and otherwise despises his existence. This remoteness further feeds Shake’s self conscious issues. It’s no wonder Shake clings onto Freda, DP, or even the pod. It’s the closest he’s ever experienced to a sense of belonging – foreign concepts to him, and losing this feels like the end of the world. Freda was his first – and only – ever girlfriend, the most meaningful relationship he’s ever had, one that ended up unfortunately traumatizing him. No matter how shallow it was, DP and the pod were, to some extent, Shake’s friends. His only friends before they – like everyone else – left him, alone.
These aspects are a notable, although not comprehensive, catalyst to the issues which plague Shake – namely in the form of a pervasive bleak emptiness. Not only does it exacerbate any – and every – feeling of rejection and loneliness, but it makes him mistrustful of others and question their intentions unfairly whilst projecting his own insecurities onto them. His emptiness grows evermore into a tiresome nothingness, a hollow void that eats away at him when he’s deprived of attention or stimulation. This, paired with everything else, builds up, poisons his mind, and drives him to the heinous acts he’s exiled for because, at least then, he can’t ignored.
The latent trauma inside Shake lays dormant for the most part. Despite showing a constant sense of numbness which causes boredom, Master Shake also possesses an equal amount of callous indignation for what he deems as a broken perception of fairness or justice. While shame and insecurity drives most of his actions, his anger – both a systematic byproduct and a useful mask for his motivators – is the most visible reaction. His outbursts brought on by emptiness, paranoia, anger, and intense solitude, he finds comfort in grounding himself by projecting his intense vulnerability and fears onto others. At the core of Master Shake’s violent hatred is a sense of powerlessness; a festering, rotting curse that quickly consumes him from within. He tears down anything and anyone he thinks fits in a misguided and desperate effort to feel better about himself; attempting to hold others responsible for his own feelings of inadequacy. A life-long inferiority complex finally taking over. The slightest disturbance in his otherwise vacuous life will have disastrous consequences.
Master Shake’s hatred – including his self-hatred – is propelled by his brothers more than anything. He deeply envies them both as they have powers, abilities, and skills that surpass his own. As this threatens his already fragile self-worth and low self-esteem, Shake regularly undermines their aptitudes. Instead distorting reality to avoid his underlying feelings of intense impoverishment. Shake’s the special one, not them. He’s the leader. He has the prestige. He’s the one in control.
In every comparison Shake makes between himself and his two brothers, the seeming coldness is only shame. Master Shake – without fully knowing it – spits out his unwanted thoughts and feelings that his fragile self-structure cannot handle.
Living without a support group, nor anything resembling a stable friend he can rely on or confide in, he cries out for them to experience his loneliness, his fears, his repressed but all-too-raw insecurities in some way – lashing out because of feelings and emotions he doesn’t know to put words to. Instead, he exists in a world that ignores or outright demonize him. Utterly uncared for and completely alone, Master Shake tries to make sense of the cruelty he’s shown by being equally as cruel back. Of course, like most things about Shake, this quickly spirals into extremes. He will forever he the ‘bad’ one. The unwanted one. In their eyes, everything he does is already wrong – so why try to be right?
Master Shake is a ticking time bomb. The fuse smoldering steadily inside him – a fuse that’s effortless to set off while he sleepwalks through life. Shake is alone – he has no one. The closest thing he has to a reliable, unconditional friend is in the TV. It follows, then, he uses it to disassociate from his harsh reality while also using it to vent his anger. I’ve seen someone describe Shake as being ‘dead to the world.’ I believe that’s a very crass, yet not inaccurate, way of saying Shake often disassociates.
Master Shake hopes that, as family, he is treated differently. He expects someone – anyone – will protect him from danger. Shake’s actions are so nonsensical and impulsive, not even he can make sense of his own disordered mind. Shake can’t function properly on his own; he needs someone else to protect him from himself. While his outburst seem to just be childish temper tantrums on the surface, in actuality, he’s begging for anyone to see his pain. Make them feel what he feel, and he spends his life pushing boundaries to affirm this. Through his actions, both directly and in reaction to others, he has created an unfortunate cycle where even his good deeds will be met with scorn and scoffs; his attempts for positive attention, ignored. Although terrible at communicating his thoughts and emotions, maybe all Master Shake truly wants is for Frylock to care enough to finally stop him, hold him, and make all the chaos make sense – like a big brother's supposed to. The thing getting in his way is his own issues as well as Frylock’s biases against him.
Of course, it should go without saying Master Shake’s emotions are incredibly unstable, frequently experiencing massive and volatile mood swings. For example, "The Creditor" is probably the most important episode in understanding Shake’s character. During a therapy session, Shake is calm and compliant one moment, and with a single clarification, he becomes enraged and frustrated, then sad – perhaps ashamed – upon expressing himself, immediately trying to cover up the fact he's on the verge of tears with his default coping method: aggression. Interestingly, though, his aggression, usually directed towards another person or otherwise himself, is instead channeled towards the chair he’s laying on to avoid causing further pain.
The ancients believed that a strong wind blows through the minds of the chronically unstable. If a student of Hippocrates examined Master Shake, he might diagnose that there was a tempest with the force of a thousand mistrals raging through his head. His emotional state changes instantaneously, leading to him feeling disproportionately intense emotions to the situation at hand. This can also cause him to feel 'incorrect' emotions for a situation, as well – some generic examples being mildly amused at a funeral, or depressed at a carnival.
This instability, naturally, comes with powerful and unyielding impulses. From jumping off a cliff to overspending, Master Shake will do the most foolish of things without thinking any of it through, nor giving it any afterthought. These impulses reach the line of self-destruction and dip into certain levels of self-harm with no concern for his or other’s safety. To make matters worse, he lacks any meaningful way of coping with or redirecting his impulses, and the very few times he has actually held off his impulses such as in “Antenna”, it only abates them for a time and ends with him agitated as well.
Truth is, Master Shake is not a willing antagonist, but one who feels he had grown into a role he had already been assigned – a self-fulfilling prophecy. For all the violent rage he holds, his character is not centered around hurting others, but rather desecrating his own self. Continuously spiraling onto a perpetual path of self-destruction he can never seem to free himself of without help – help he is never offered. Rather, he isolates himself from his family, impulsively pushes everyone away out of fear they will inevitably leave him, and ruins any opportunity of redemption he’s given. He can never be good, so he will become the worst he can be instead.
While never having properly played the role of leader, Shake still strangely carries on himself the burden of leader, even apologizing for ‘failing’ Meatwad, Frylock, and Carl somehow. Genuinely wishing to be the backbone of their team, he is, instead, more often than not, the force that tears the four apart. Destroying the happiness he had so desperately hoped for with his own two hands. Master Shake wistfully longs for an opportunity to live a life with friends and a family who loved him. Instead, he believes he is responsible for everyone’s unhappiness.
After a lifetime of brought time, one true fate awaits him. The only duty he ever had as leader of the Aqua Teen Hunger Force: to remove himself. The element of discord in a world where his happiness simply cannot be achieved, one that will surely be better off without him.
I love Master Shake. He is one of the most interesting and compelling explorations of antagonism I have ever seen, as well as an accurate depiction of Borderline Personality Disorder. However, saying Master Shake fits the BPD profile honestly doesn’t say much of anything. What’s a more important question to ask is: why does he possess these traits? Can he progress beyond them, and how? I’m aware a lot of the show is adlibbed, so it makes me wonder if Dana Snyder had a bigger part in this.
Of course, I am not condoning Master Shake’s actions. While I sympathize and understand him, I am not blind to his faults, nor am I justifying them. It’s because of these reasons that Master Shake quickly became not only my favorite character in the series, but my favorite character of all time. Aqua Teen Hunger Force is an amazing series full of funny and memorable characters, overflowing with charm and wit. While some characters may be more easy to sympathize with than others, all are equally important and all equally deserving of love and happiness. Master Shake, then, is it’s ultimate tragedy.
He is nothing but a child, still trying to learn right from wrong, full of desperation, and with no one to turn to. Whether intentional or unintentional, Shake is not a one dimensional character. There are times where Shake shows a true sense of morality, or a desire to improve himself; to be better than he’s shown himself to be. He proves, in these instances, dark though it may be, he has a heart and a soul that isn’t stained black as most people seem to want to believe. “Party All The Time” and “The Creditor” being the episodes that stand out the most in this aspect.
Master Shake’s character at it’s core is one of insecurity, loneliness, abandonment issues, low self-esteem, and reckless self-neglect rather than one of pure maliciousness – though to be fair, he is that at times. Shake’s arrogance, entitlement, and conceitedness is broadly defensive in nature, adopted to compensate and protect himself from underlying feelings of worthlessness, shame, and emptiness at the cost of being trapped in an endless cycle of seeking approval and attention. Pushing beyond the superficial grandiosity is someone’s who’s profoundly confused about life and relationships. Entitlement hides the feeling of deep impoverishment, confidence hides worthlessness, vanity hides a feeling of being undesirable, and charm hides the despair. The impulse to avoid feeling worthless fuels his superiority, while the need to be superior feeds the empty pit of worthlessness.
I encourage you to try and re-watch some of the Shake-oriented episodes with what I’ve said here in mind. If you still don’t like Shake afterwards, then that’s okay. However, I hope I was able to at least changed your perspective of Shake, even if only slightly or otherwise entertained you with this analysis. This is something I’ve come to realized over my time of watching the show, thinking about it almost non-stop, and writing multiple essays and scenarios about it. Nonetheless, no matter how hard you try or how long you search, it cannot be seen without love.
I never expect Shake to become perfect, nor do I ever want him to be. As the show continues – I pray for it to – I’d like for Master Shake to have the opportunity to search inside his soul and vow to become a stronger person, and a better brother. Someone he can be proud of. Asking for recognition from nobody, but rather gaining it in the process. I hope for Shake to be able to realize through the help and support of his family that he’s in desperate need for psychiatric help, and to learn from his mistakes. A powerful ode to second chances, forgiveness, compassion, empathy, and self-growth. In a show brimful of color and creativity, Master Shake stands out from the rest to me. Not just for who he is, but for everything he can become.
Thank you for reading.

psychiatry A practice of torturing, abusing, insulting and degrading other beings. A gigantic multi billion dollar industry of death.
That's all there is too it.
If you send them to psychiatry you hate them but don’t realize it or you know but don’t want to tell them.
psychiatry the defective byproduct of the weak minded and phenomenology
Psychiatry is Racketeering; A brainwashing cult. If you knew you could lose rights by seeing a psych. prof., you would have to be a fool to see one; well you can lose rights by seeing a psych prof., even your right to vote. If a patient tells his doctor the medicine isn't working, it is increased (along with it's unpleasant painful side effects) until the patient sings the medicine's praises out of the fear of death and suicide caused by and wholly related to the medicine. Indirect death threats is how psychiatrist subdue, intimidate people. (a listed side-effect of anti-psychotic medication, Haldol, is death.) Sure lots of patients die of related strokes, murders, suicides, and side-effects, but these expendable people are acceptable losses in the war for psychiatry. Psychs deliberately anger patients, who then stressfully suppress their rage making them seem ill. Unlike prison sentences, psych treatments are administered indefinately to cause fears and anger in the patients; causing episodes that get used to justify psychiatry and boost stock revenues. The goal of psychiatry is to cause worry, anger and confusion and treat. The med related deaths serve to help the psych mob intimidate and make their patients seem so sick they have to take life-threatening medicine by force to treat imbalances cause by genes they 'might' have. This is a form of racism, but is called 'scientific progress' by freedom hating psychs. Psychiatry Psucks, but don't worry about it, lest. . . "Psychiatrists secretly plan to chemically brainwash religious people out of the chosen beliefs by force because psychiatrist hate freedom of religion and ignorant tax-payers fund their evil bullshit" "Racketeering in Psychiatry has threatened and killed more people than the mafia because the 'rare' chance of death in their medicine is somewhat random and concealed by patient confidentiality and spread out thinly among tens of millions of patients." "Tom avoided Gary because Tom wanted to stay out of Gary's highly secretive psychiatric cult group that met behind locked doors where somepeople couldn't get out and were forcibly drugged."
Psychiatry is
A profession that is seemingly obsessed with enforcing the status quo. Genuine emotional understanding, empathy, and deep interactions have been replaced by some supposedly 'objective science'; a mere attempt to ignore the talent that some have with relating to others and medicalize emotions. Whether a person has a 'disorder' or 'disease' is not determined by whether someone has a visible ailment that has a specific biological cause, but by a system of observed behaviors that can wildly vary from psychiatrist to psychiatrist.
Many people trust the field of psychiatry simply because it involves 'doctors'. People in modern society have been taught to believe anything that the man in the white lab coat says, regardless of whether he or she is actually a doctor.
Psychiatry is also involved in 'prescribing' huge quantities of often dangerous drugs; though for some they do blunt or alleviate symptoms (about as good as alcohol), many experience 'positive effects' only in the vein of placebo, or experience only negative effects. This, however, does not mean that the drugs actually CURE anything. Psychiatric drugs are supposed to work by 'building up in your bloodstream', which is a way to convince 'patients' that they are receiving legitimate treatment, and is nothing short of a complete lie. Most of this happens because of pharmaceutical company involvement. Most 'research' is horribly skewed to promote the companies' drugs, as the variables are EXTREMELY subjective, i.e. a 'rating' scale for 'depression'.
All in all, most psychiatrists are not 'evil', just controlled by a few money obsessed individuals who would rather enforce the status quo; hence blind leading the blind. Some psychiatrists do desire to change the field, but have a hard time getting through the system if they don't shut up and try to think for themselves. Many 'professionals' in the field are arrogant because they have been taught to believe that they can understand others well by essentially wasting time learning utter nonsense in 'university'. There has never been proof of mental disorders originating from 'biochemical factors' or any 'genetic chemical imbalance', but psychiatry dangerously takes the technical reality that biochemical/genetic factors are involved in everything in our lives and takes the huge logical leap to the idea that we end up miserable BECAUSE something goes 'wrong' in the brain. The reality is the opposite. The brain adjusts to negative circumstances just as it does to positive, and a change of circumstances coupled with emotional healing will always be more effective than any kind of psychiatry/placebo effect. People just don't have the patience, and those at the top are not willing to admit that the cause of all this suffering is a poor status quo combined with rigid enforcement of such 'norms', and materialism gone rampant.
Critics of psychiatry are intelligent, that even include people like Tom Cruise a famous rich person. Indeed, I HAVE had a 'major mental disorder', and the 'medications' me on did nothing but mess my life up worse. With a change of attitude (which demonstrates the reality that a person in extreme distress can change if they are given even a bit of hope), I pulled myself out of extreme, chronic depression that most psychiatrists would have insisted was a 'chemical imbalance'. Healing from emotional stress is a long and arduous process which requires relation and collaboration with emotionally intelligent and wise individuals, not popping pills. Psychiatry is little more than an attempt to make money which exploits others' arrogance.
Psychiatry is pseudoscience (fake) and a waste of money in society. It serves to control people, like religion, feeding them lies and absolute bullshit that they are expected to believe. A bane of our times. A dangerous medical field that relies on drugging and torturing normal people for no reason at all. Psychiatry no doubt is an evil endeavor, a pointless proposition and a total travesty. Psychiatrists are the evil minions of the whatever hell-spawn you believe in. A movement is under way to free peoples' minds: anti-psychiatry, a growing grassroots movement to rid the world of anyone who thinks mental illnesses actually exist.
Contrary to a previous definition, people who hate psychiatry probably have never had a mental illness since mental illness isn't even real. Psychiatry killed the cat, nothing can bring him back!
Psychiatry? Oh, let me refer you to pseudosciences category.
Oh no, not again. Johnny thinks psychiatry can help him a little, when really it has him tricked and will probably kill him shortly.

TL;DR My ex made me need therapy, wants to pay for it, and my best friend of many years is telling me I should refuse due to my past financial dependence on others.
Backstory: I have been in a relationship for 3 years with my now ex, who has been immensely traumatized in the past and it made my own mental health worse because he did not seek therapy or psychiatric care of any kind. He is a classic dismissive avoidant, scared of emotional intimacy, has a sexual trauma which took physical intimacy off the table as well. I am struggling with my own demons, but for the last year I experienced many a stressful events (my elderly Dad had two life-threatening surgeries, I lost my apartment, I had to move back into my family home, had a jaw surgery) and combined with my ex's inability to take care of himself regarding mental health it caused a breakdown. We were meant to move in together with my boyfriend this year to a home his parents are going to vacate soon, but he was very reluctant of discussing it in any way, shape or form, because of the things mentioned above - unattended trauma, fear of intimacy etc, he was basically ignoring that subject entirely, even though I tried again and again to talk to him about it, get a timeline or something.
I experienced symptoms alarming enough to seek therapy and psychiatric care, and in the middle of it broke up with my boyfriend because he just was not able to promise to go to a psychiatrist and manage himself, and I just knew that staying in this relationship would put me in further jeopardy mentally. I told him explicitly that should he seek help and work on himself and manage his trauma I will gladly come back, but this is the condition I will not give up on. This was over a month ago, he reached out to me yesterday and told me he was looking for a doctor but it's complicated (he needs someone who is a psychiatrist AND an endocrinologist or a duet of doctors working together) and that he wanted me to know that he is actually doing something to reach the goal of being mentally stable and get me back. During the conversation that followed he asked if I needed any financial help (he earns 3 times as much as I do) a bit teasingly; I always struggled with accepting gifts and money from him as he had an ex who really took him to the cleaners and I wanted to avoid being seen as a gold digger or a version of this person. He used to tease me a bit about it during our relationship, literally trying to buy anything I expressed a modicum of interest in - Lego, clothes, perfume, jewelry, whatever, even tough I protested. Since this is a thing I actually want to work on, I said that yes, if he wants to help my therapy bill is quite an issue and I would gladly accept help.
He immediately made a money transfer for my next session. He also told me he will cover the bill until I finish therapy, which I found very sweet and a gesture of good will. Today I told my best friend, who was there for me during the breakdown and knew what was going on... and she freaked out. She told me I am unable to live independently, without a man's help (which is historically true, my previous long-term partner always earned more than me and supported me and without that help my quality of life would be at least 75% worse and the apartment I used to live in was bought by my even earlier ex, we had a three-way relationship and I broke up with that person a year ago) and I need to learn to do so now. According to her the right thing to do would be to refuse money, pay for that therapy on my own and get more independent. The way I see it, my ex is either trying to do the right thing, in which case I lose nothing if I accept his help, or he is trying to buy his way back into my good graces, which he will not succeed in, and I still get a benefit in form of having to spend less money of my own. If he stops paying I will not stop going to therapy, since I can afford it, it will just mean I will have to tigthen the belt a little bit. My bestie has been a huge help ever since I met her, she is an absolute rock star so far and I really feel like I am either missing something here or this reaction is way over the top.
So... what do I do now?

I knew as her husband I was well within my rights to have her committed, but what if she simply acted normal in their presence? She'd obviously been able to fool Rebecca into thinking she was just a concerned wife. As long as the doctors didn't find her a danger to herself or others, they'd have no choice but to release her after 72 hours. I felt lost and overwhelmed.
So I did what any husband in my position would do.
I called her mother.
I didn't want to, believe me.
Her mother, Marianne and I were never on the best of terms. We'd never fought or anything like that.
She just wasn't a very warm person, and wasn't really easy to get along with. She hardly ever smiled and when she did, only her lips would move into a thin lipped smile, leaving her eyes as blank as before. She gave off this aura that felt like she was permanently on the offensive.
I'd only met her twice and both times were for such short visits. I got the impression she didn't approve of me for her daughter. Lynn always ushered us out quickly, as she didn't want me to feel uncomfortable which I was grateful for. Being in her mother's company felt almost unbearable. Like walking on glass. I was glad when we moved three states away so we didn't have to see her often. I was happy to avoid the woman, but I needed her help.
I really didn't want to talk to her at all but I had to talk to someone and someone who knew Lynn better than I did. So I grit my teeth and did what I had to.
"Yes?" She answered, already sounding irritated.
"Marianne, it's me Ben. Do you have a minute to talk?" I asked. I could hear her cluck her tongue in irritation.
"I'm in the middle of writing some checks, but if you insist, I suppose I can spare a moment. What is it that you want to discuss Benjamin?" She said, coolly?
"It's about Lynn. She's been... acting strangely and I was wondering if you had any idea whether there was something - " I was quickly interrupted.
"It's a bit difficult to follow your rambling Benjamin, what is that you want from me?" She asked. I could almost see her standing there in her thin sweater and slacks, tapping her fingernails impatiently on the table.
"I wanted to know if you'd ever noticed any odd behavior? Or possibly any mental health issues?" I asked. There was a long, uncomfortable pause that I couldn't tell was because she was just thinking, or ….something else. Finally after a few seconds she spoke.
"I'm not sure if this is one of your jokes Benjamin, but if so I don't find the humor in it. Now I do have business to attend to as I've said, so if you don't mind -" she said, but I cut her off before she could get rid of me.
"Marianne, it's not a joke. I'm sincerely concerned about Lynn's mental health. Her behavior has been very erratic lately. I'm very worried about her and I figured as her mother you would be as well." I said, my frustration evident in my voice.
"If you're truly concerned then I suggest you get the health professionals involved. I don't know what you expect of me." She snapped. I could tell she was seconds away from hanging up and for some reason I was desperate not to let her. I had the feeling that she knew a lot more than she was letting on.
"Please. If not for me, do it for Lynn." I tried.
I heard a faint shaky intake of breath, as if she were trying to hold her steely persona together but failing.
"Marianne? What's wr-" I started.
"Benjamin, I don't know what to tell you. My only advice would be to seek professional help. Do not call here again. Goodbye." I tried to call out to her but she'd hung up.
I tried to wrap my head around the call and her refusal to help me. Even if she didn't like me, why wouldn't she want to help her own daughter? I couldn't understand that. I tried to replay the conversation, desperate to find something I missed.
After a while I almost gave up, until I remembered her last last words to me. 'Seek professional help' she'd said those words with a bit of urgency. I could have just been grasping at straws but no, I was sure her voice had changed ever so slightly when she'd said that. As if they were very important.
What had she meant? I assumed she'd been referring to medical professionals, but maybe she was referring to someone else. Someone that she didn't, for some reason, feel comfortable saying directly. Or maybe I was just desperate.
I waited for Chris to get home and after a very long and exhausting conversation with him and Rebecca, I convinced them that Lynn truly needed psychiatric help. I didn't tell them everything. I wasn't prepared to go into it yet, but I told them about our last encounter. How she'd hidden in the bathroom, peeking at me from the closet.
They were obviously shocked but thankfully they believed me. They too just wanted to help her. Still they didn't think it was all that serious. Weird, maybe but not dangerous. They just kept saying that Lynn had to be playing some kind of weird joke. "Maybe for YouTube?" Rebecca offered, if only half-heartedly.
Chris didn't think we should involve the police just yet. He offered instead to go with me, and I readily accepted. He reasoned that calmly talking to her, trying to coax her into going willingly was the best recourse. I agreed to do it his way. At least I wouldn't be going into that house alone.
We drove over this morning, just after breakfast. There was no way I was going at night. When we pulled into the driveway my stomach began doing somersaults. Her car wasn't there, but I still didn't let my guard down.
The front door was ajar, and for a split second I thought we'd see her eyes staring through the gap. I was shaking and starting to sweat. Chris however was fine. He waited for me to open the door, his hands in his pockets like he was going on a fucking stroll through the park. I envied his ignorance.
I pushed the door open and was immediately hit with the stench of rot. Chris smelled it too, and he walked in the house behind me with his nose scrunched up.
"What do you guys use to clean the floors around here, shit?" Chris mumbled.
"Shut up." I said, my eyes darting around for any signs of Lynn.
The house was deadly quiet and dark despite being 10 in the morning. All the curtains were closed up tight, refusing to allow any sunlight inside. If I hadn't left it just two days prior I'd have thought the house to be abandoned.
We moved through each room, carefully checking any place that she might hide, occasionally calling her name.
"Why the fuck are you looking under the couch?" Chris asked eventually. "Aren't we looking for your wife?" He was looking at me like I was a moron.
"Let's just go upstairs." I whispered. He shook his head but followed me up the stairs to check the bathroom and spare bedroom. On the way up my shoes crunched over pieces of glass that looked to be littered over a few of the steps.
I noticed that one of Lynn and my wedding portraits that hung on the wall along the staircase had been smashed. The frame hung crookedly, all the glass removed. I stared at the picture, a lump forming in my throat. We had taken the photo just after leaving the church, after saying our vows. She looked so beautiful in her white gown. I looked at Lynn's beautiful face. I never dreamed her face would ever be a source of terror for me.
We climbed the rest of the steps and checked the spare bedroom, but it looked completely untouched.
I was hesitant to go into the bathroom, my fear from that night coming back to me all at once. Chris noticed, and offered to go in by himself but I couldn't let him do that. So we walked in together, checking the closet and the shower. The bathroom looked as if it hadn't been touched since the night I left.
"I don't think she's here Ben. Why don't you pack some clothes and we'll try coming back tomorrow or something." Chris said. I nodded and went into our bedroom and shoved some clothes into a duffle bag. When I checked inside our closet I came across the source of the smell and gagged.
Chris took one look and lost all color in his face. He had to go stand by the stairs to get away from the sight and smell.
I gazed down in shock at what lay Inside my bedroom closet. Soaking into the rug, were at least a dozen eyeballs, all carefully laid out in pairs. Some were as large as a quarter while others were as tiny as a marble. I stared down at the eyes she'd collected from small animals and I wondered how she'd gotten them, and shuddered at the thought.
"Man, I thought I had it bad with Becca's shoe addiction. But fuck me. Your wife's in here collecting eyeballs." Chris said, gagging. "Ben, I think we should go." He called from the hall. "I'm getting nauseous."
"Alright." I grabbed my duffle and shut the closet door on my new nightmare. I stepped out into the hall and took a deep breath of air. I could taste the rot on my tongue and I couldn't help but gag.
"Who the fuck lines up eyeballs in their closet like that?" Chris mumbled.
"I tried to tell you she needed help." I said.
"She doesn't need help, Ben. She needs a fucking exorcist." He said. "You coming or what? I can't stand the smell any- " his words died in his throat, and his eyes grew wide with fear.
I didn't ask him why. I could feel it. Someone was watching me and I didn't think it was the eyes in the closet. I turned around, my eyes slowly scanning the bedroom.
"Christ" I whispered, as I finally saw what we'd missed. Under the bed, curled on her side, watching us with the excitement of a kid on Christmas morning, was my wife.
She held her hands together just under her chin, and they were shaking eagerly.
Now that she knew she'd been found, I could hear the quiet noises she was making. A sort of hiccuping sound in her throat, as if the excitement was just too much for her. It was unnerving to say the least. Wide eyes, and that same huge smile.
Everything in me told me to run, but I forced it away. This was my wife. No matter how twisted, she was still the woman I married. I had to help her.
"Lynn…" I said softly. She didn't respond, but her head bobbed back and forth in two quick little movements as if she were nodding.
"Baby. I just wanna help okay? Can you…. Can you let me do that?" I asked. I had taken a single step forward, approaching her like some kind of dangerous animal.
"I love you, Lynn." I said softly, taking another step closer. She let a tiny moan escape her wide open mouth and I had to resist the urge to run. Her shoulders were starting to quiver, and her eyes grew as large as saucers.
I crouched down so I could see her better, and immediately saw the blood. Her hands were covered in it. They trembled more the closer I got, as if she was barely able to contain herself.
"Lynn. Are you hurt? You're bleeding." I said. She bobbed her head again, her bloody fingers moving up and down as if playing an invisible piano. They occasionally grazed her chin, leaving smears of blood on her skin.
I wanted to recoil in disgust. The smell that was coming off of her was revolting. I could feel the vomit trying to climb up my throat. Her lips were dry and stretched thin, blood seeping between the cracks.
I knew she wouldn't come out on her own, but I didn't want to leave her in the state she was in.
I scooted closer and reached out to her. The excited hiccuping sounds got louder and her hands shook, fingers flexing. It was then that I could see the blood oozing from in between her fingers.
"Oh my God, Lynn. You're bleeding." I said. Instinctively I reached out to take her hand, but before I could even touch her, her hand sprang out towards me. A sharp pain shot through my arm, and I fell back on my ass. My arm burned, and I could see the blood dripping down onto the carpet.
I looked back at her in shock and saw her grinning madly, her fingers clutching a large shard of glass.
"You alright in there?" Chris asked from behind me.
I turned my head slightly, and nodded to him, cradling my arm to my chest. When I turned back to face Lynn, I saw that her focus had shifted. She wasn't looking at me anymore. And she wasn't smiling anymore either.
She was staring past me, her eyes glaring at Chris the way a hungry lion might stare at an antelope. Her mouth was still hanging open but it was twisted into a snarl.
I got to my feet, and began walking backwards down the hall, afraid to take my eyes off her.
"Are you... bleeding?" Chris asked. The moment the words left his mouth Lynn started fast scooting out from under the bed, the glass shard still in her fist.
"Chris. Run. Go!" I yelled. He must have been too afraid to move because a second later I felt my back bump into him. He was still standing at the top of the stairs, staring at the horror that was my wife.
Lynn had crawled completely out from under the bed and stood in the bedroom doorway, her face twisted in rage. Her whole body was visibly tense. Blood ran down her fingers and onto the floor.
"Jesus, Lynn..." Chris said, "You uh… playing hide and seek?" I reached back and pushed him towards the steps.
"Move your ass Chris" I said as quietly but firmly as I could.
Lynn bobbed her head in fast, sharp motions, and began to grin, stretching her mouth open wider and wider so that her chin seemed to touch her chest. I heard Chris mutter a prayer and then he was running down the stairs. I stood at the top of the steps, stuck between the love for a woman who clearly needed serious help, and self preservation.
"I only want to help." I said, choking back tears. Her eyes focused on me once again as she slowly lifted the glass, holding it out in front of her. And then she started sprinting towards me, grinning with utter excitement. Thankfully my body took over and I flew down the stairs skipping two or three at a time. I made it to the front door before I felt her leap onto my back, wrapping her arms around my neck, her open mouth next to my ear so that I could hear those terrible hiccuping sounds up close. I shook her off me, knocking her to the floor. I felt a searing pain in my back as she went but I tore open the front door and bolted to my car.
Chris was standing in the front yard, talking on the phone with the police. I didn't say a word, I just ran to my car and jumped in. Chris took the hint and followed me, still on the line with 911
I watched the rear view mirror, sure I'd see her there, running after us. But I never did.
I went straight to the ER and got 11 stitches in my arm and 3 on my back. The police asked a lot of questions and went back to the house to do a search but of course, Lynn wasn't there.
They advised me to stay with a friend or relative for a while and to file a restraining order as soon as I could but none of those things would matter. Somehow I just knew.
I dropped Chris off at home, and went to a motel an hour away. I wanted to put as much distance between me and Lynn as I could.
This is where I've been for the last 4 hours. I thought maybe the police would find her, maybe they'd get her the help she desperately needs.
But now I don't think so. Because 40 minutes ago I got a text from an unknown number. Just three words :
"I found You."
And a picture attached. The picture was dark and grainy, but I instantly knew what it was. There was no mistaking my wife's eye.
I started typing this out immediately after. I don't know what to do. I'm alone and scared, and I can't help but feel that I'm being watched….

Je n'ai plus d'énergie pour rien dans ma vie et je pense souvent à la mort. J'en suis arrive à des pensées assez extrêmes. Surtout ces derniers temps, c'est une torture juste pour me lever le matin et travailler.
Je ne me trouve aucune qualité et je n’ai jamais rien réussi dans la vie, peu importe à quel point j’essayais. Ou plutôt, peu importe ce que j’étais capable de réaliser, car ma dépression, mon manque de volonté et mon manque de résilience m’ont toujours poussé à abandonner, ou ne pas me donner corps et âme dans mes projets. La formulation est peut-être maladroite, car elle sous-entend que je ne suis pas responsable de mes échecs, mais j’ai conscience que les opportunités n’ont pas manquées, et j’ai toujours échouer à les saisir. Je ne savais juste pas comment le formuler autrement. Aujourd’hui, je n’aurais de toute façon pas la force de tenter quoique ce soit dans ma vie.
Il n’y a pas de solution à mon manque de motivation, à part me faire bouffer des médicaments qui sont censées me rendre “heureuse”. Des médicaments que je refuse de prendre pour des raisons que les psychologues et psychiatres soit disant censé m’aider ignorent, moquent ou dénient (le dysfonctionnement sexuel post ssri, la prise de poids, l’anhédonie, etc.). Je ne suis pas en carence de vitamine ou de fer, je n’ai pas de problème hormonal et le sport n’aide pas non plus avec mon manque de volonté et de motivation.
Ma vie est remplie de regrets. Des regrets par rapport à mes relations passées, par rapport à mes choix d’étude et par rapport à tous les problèmes que j’aurais pu éviter. Ces regrets sont liés à ce que j’ai cité précédemment. Et on ne peut pas échapper à ces regrets ni à son passé, même si on peut apprendre à s’en détacher comme j’ai pu le faire pendant des années. Cependant, ils reviennent toujours nous hanter, que ce soit sous la forme de flashback ou de pensées.
Je regarde ma vie et je me dis "j'aurais pu tellement faire mieux". Et je pourrais changer et me reprendre en main mais je n'ai ni l'énergie, ni l'envie. Je passe mes journées affalées sur mon lit en attendant la mort. Je pourrais passer des bons moments avec des amis mais même cela, ça ne me donne pas plus envie que ça.

YŪREI CHRONICLES [ 幽霊クロニクルズ ]
Tales of Japanese Horror [ 日本のホラーの物語 ]
By: Seph Cruz [ 投稿者: セフ・クルーズ ]
CONTENTS [ コンテンツ ]
Preface [ はじめに ]
Chapter 1: The Cursed Scroll [ 第 1 章: 呪われた巻物 ]
Chapter 2: The Shrine in the Shadows [ 第 2 章: 影の神殿 ]
Chapter 3: The Haunting of the Geisha [ 第 3 章: 芸者の幽霊 ]
Chapter 4: The Onryo's Revenge [ 第 4 章: 怨霊の復讐 ]
Chapter 5: The Dollmaker's Curse [ 第 5 章: 人形師の呪い ]
Chapter 6: The Shadow in the Forest [ 第 6 章: 森の影 ] Chapter 7: The Haunting of the Yūrei Inn [ 第 7 章: 幽霊旅館の幽霊 ]
Chapter 8: The Curse of the Haunted Kimono [ 第 8 章: 幽霊着物の呪い ]
Chapter 9: The Mirror's Malevolence [ 第 9 章: 鏡の悪意 ]
Chapter 10: The Bridge to the Beyond [ 第 10 章: 彼方への架け橋 ]

 "Yūrei Chronicles: Tales of Japanese Horror" 

Chapter 1: "The Cursed Scroll"
In the heart of Kyoto, where history whispered through the ancient streets, there existed an antique bookstore known only to those who sought the rarest of tomes. Nestled among centuries-old texts and dusty manuscripts, a forbidden scroll lay hidden, waiting for an unwitting soul to stumble upon its chilling secrets.
Chapter 1: "The Cursed Scroll"
The quaint, dimly lit bookstore was a treasure trove of the past. Intricate calligraphy adorned scrolls, while faded ink whispered stories of long-forgotten samurai and mystical creatures. Among these relics of history, one scroll remained elusive, concealed behind a glass case. Its dark, ornate cover bore no title, and its presence seemed to beckon.
Haruki, a young scholar with a fascination for the occult, visited the bookstore one rainy afternoon. His curiosity led him to inquire about the enigmatic scroll. The elderly shopkeeper, Mr. Tanaka, peered at him with a knowing look, cautioning him about the scroll's malevolent reputation.
"Many have sought to uncover its secrets," Mr. Tanaka said, his voice trembling with age, "but few have lived to tell the tale."
Haruki, undeterred by the ominous warning, insisted on examining the scroll. Mr. Tanaka, sensing the scholar's determination, reluctantly unlocked the glass case. As Haruki unrolled the ancient parchment, he saw that it was filled with intricate symbols and incantations, written in a language he could barely comprehend.
For days, Haruki delved into the scroll's mysteries. His sleepless nights were filled with whispers from unseen forces, and chilling drafts seemed to haunt his small apartment. Yet, he pressed on, believing that the scroll held untold knowledge and power.
One fateful night, as a full moon cast eerie shadows across his cluttered study, Haruki recited an incantation from the scroll. The room grew icy cold, and an otherworldly presence enveloped him. A mournful wail echoed through the room, and Haruki's heart raced as he beheld the apparition before him.
A yūrei, its long, disheveled hair obscuring its gaunt face, hovered in the air, its eyes filled with anguish and rage. It reached out bony, pale fingers toward Haruki, its spectral form translucent yet undeniably real.
In that moment, Haruki realized the scroll's true nature – a curse that summoned vengeful spirits to torment the living. He had unwittingly invited the yūrei into his world, and now, it sought retribution for its suffering.
The scholar's life turned into a nightmare as the vengeful spirit haunted his every waking moment. His research became an obsession to find a way to pacify the yūrei and lift the curse. With each passing day, Haruki's health deteriorated, his body and mind succumbing to the relentless torment.
Desperate, he sought the guidance of a renowned exorcist, who revealed a grim truth. The only way to break the curse was to discover the scroll's origins and offer the yūrei the peace it so desperately sought.
As Haruki ventured deeper into the scroll's history, he uncovered a tale of betrayal and tragedy that spanned centuries. With newfound knowledge and a heavy heart, he prepared to confront the vengeful yūrei and set things right.
In a chilling confrontation between the living and the dead, Haruki faced the spirit, offering it the closure it craved. As the yūrei dissipated into the ether, its mournful wail echoed one last time, fading into the night.
Haruki emerged from the ordeal forever changed, carrying the weight of the scroll's curse as a cautionary tale. The forbidden knowledge he had sought had come at a great cost, a reminder that some mysteries should remain hidden, and some curses should never be invoked.
As the sun rose over Kyoto, the antique bookstore remained shrouded in an eerie silence, and the cursed scroll returned to its cryptic slumber, waiting for the next unwitting soul to unlock its dreadful secrets.
End of Chapter 1: "The Cursed Scroll"
Chapter 2: "The Shrine in the Shadows"
In the heart of a tranquil Japanese village, nestled among ancient forests, stood a centuries-old Shinto shrine, known to few but revered by all. This sacred place held an eerie secret, hidden in the shadows of its past.
Chapter 2: "The Shrine in the Shadows"
The village of Mizuki was picturesque, surrounded by dense woods and the whispers of rustling leaves. Its most treasured gem was the Shōrin Shrine, a sanctuary dedicated to the worship of the kami, where the villagers paid homage with heartfelt prayers and offerings.
On a bright spring morning, the Hayashi family moved into a charming house near the shrine. Yuko, a spirited young girl with inquisitive eyes, was enchanted by the quaint beauty of Mizuki and the mystique of the Shōrin Shrine. Her parents, Masato and Yuki, hoped the peaceful village would offer respite from the bustling city.
Their first evening in Mizuki was serene, and the family felt blessed to live in such an idyllic place. As night descended, they heard a faint melody echoing through the forest—a haunting tune played on a traditional shamisen. Yuko, drawn by curiosity, followed the eerie melody to the shrine.
At the shrine's entrance, she saw a flicker of movement among the trees and bushes. As her eyes adjusted to the dim moonlight, she gasped in awe and terror. There, bathed in an ethereal glow, stood a beautiful woman dressed in a white kimono, her long hair cascading like an ebony waterfall.
The woman's face bore an expression of immense sorrow, and her eyes seemed to pierce Yuko's very soul. In her delicate, spectral hands, she held a shamisen, its strings plucked by fingers that had long since turned to mist.
"Who are you?" Yuko asked, her voice quivering.
The apparition gazed at Yuko with an inscrutable sadness and whispered, "My name is Hana. I have been bound to this shrine for centuries, waiting for someone to hear my song."
Hana's story unraveled like a tragic tapestry before Yuko. She had once been a young woman in love with a humble fisherman from Mizuki. Their love was forbidden, and when their secret was discovered, they met a tragic end at the hands of the villagers.
As she spoke, the melody of her shamisen became more mournful, and the trees seemed to weep in sympathy. Hana's spirit, bound to the shrine, could only find solace by sharing her story with the living.
Yuko, moved by Hana's tale, felt a deep connection to the ghostly figure. She promised to help Hana find peace and bring her story to light. Together, they would uncover the truth behind the tragic love story that had ensnared the shrine for centuries.
As Yuko delved into the village's history, she uncovered hidden documents and ancient scrolls that confirmed Hana's story. The injustice done to Hana and her beloved was a blot on the village's past, a truth that had been concealed for generations.
With newfound determination, Yuko rallied the villagers to acknowledge the village's dark history and to seek forgiveness for the sins of the past. In a moving ceremony at the Shōrin Shrine, the villagers offered their prayers, and Hana's spirit was finally set free.
As the first rays of dawn bathed Mizuki in golden light, Hana's ethereal form dissolved into a wisp of gratitude and serenity. The shrine, once shadowed by sorrow, now radiated with newfound peace.
"The Shrine in the Shadows" became a tale passed down through generations, a reminder that love and forgiveness could transcend even the darkest of curses. Mizuki continued to flourish, its shrine standing as a testament to the enduring power of redemption.
End of Chapter 2: "The Shrine in the Shadows"
Chapter 3: "The Haunting of the Geisha"
In the vibrant streets of 19th-century Tokyo, beneath the shimmering lanterns and behind the delicate allure of geisha, a haunting presence lurked—a presence that would forever change the life of a celebrated geisha named Kaede.
Chapter 3: "The Haunting of the Geisha"
In the heart of Tokyo's historic Yoshiwara district, Kaede was renowned as one of the most captivating and skilled geisha. Her beauty was ethereal, her dances mesmerizing, and her laughter like the tinkling of wind chimes. But beneath her porcelain makeup and the grace of her performances lay a heart heavy with secrets.
One cool autumn evening, as the lanterns cast their warm glow on the district, a newcomer arrived at the teahouse where Kaede performed. His name was Kaito, a handsome and enigmatic man with piercing eyes that seemed to see beyond the facade of the geisha. Kaede's heart quickened as their eyes met, and she felt a connection she had never experienced before.
As weeks turned into months, Kaede and Kaito's bond deepened, their love blossoming like the cherry blossoms in spring. But their love was a forbidden one, as Kaito was a samurai, and their worlds were as different as night and day.
One fateful night, Kaito revealed a dangerous secret to Kaede—he was involved in a plot against a powerful daimyo who ruled with cruelty and oppression. Kaito believed that by exposing the daimyo's corruption, he could bring justice to the people. He asked for Kaede's assistance in gathering information from the teahouse's influential patrons.
Reluctantly, Kaede agreed, and together, they embarked on a treacherous path filled with deceit and danger. As the days passed, they uncovered dark secrets that could expose the daimyo's crimes. However, their actions did not go unnoticed.
One evening, as Kaede performed for a gathering of influential men, a sinister figure appeared in the shadows. It was the vengeful spirit of a geisha named Akiko, who had perished in Yoshiwara under tragic circumstances. Her ghostly form was veiled in a blood-red kimono, and her eyes burned with malevolence.
Akiko's haunting began subtly—a chill in the air, whispers of despair, and a feeling of dread that hung over the teahouse like a shroud. Kaede, sensing the supernatural presence, knew that they had awakened a vengeful spirit.
Desperate to protect Kaede, Kaito sought the guidance of a local exorcist, who revealed the tragic story of Akiko. She had been a geisha in love with a samurai, but their forbidden love had led to betrayal and death. Her restless spirit sought vengeance on those who dared to love across societal boundaries.
With the exorcist's help, Kaito and Kaede embarked on a perilous journey to confront Akiko's spirit and offer her the peace she so desperately sought. In a climactic showdown, they faced the vengeful geisha, revealing the truth behind her betrayal and death.
As the first light of dawn bathed the Yoshiwara district, Akiko's spirit dissipated, her eyes filled with sorrow and resignation. The curse she had cast upon the teahouse lifted, and peace returned to the district.
Kaede and Kaito's love story continued, forever marked by the supernatural forces they had encountered. The teahouse thrived once more, its lanterns casting their warm glow over the enchanting district, where love knew no boundaries and forgiveness transcended even death.
"The Haunting of the Geisha" became a legend whispered among geisha in Yoshiwara, a testament to the enduring power of love and the consequences of forbidden desires in the mysterious world of Edo-era Tokyo.
End of Chapter 3: "The Haunting of the Geisha"
Chapter 4: "The Onryo's Revenge"
In the heart of a decaying city, where abandoned buildings stood as silent witnesses to forgotten tragedies, a group of urban explorers would stumble upon a place where the restless dead held their sinister dominion.
Chapter 4: "The Onryo's Revenge"
The city of Kurayami had fallen into disrepair, its once-thriving industries crumbling, and its streets echoing with the memories of better days. Among its many derelict structures was the forsaken Kurayami Hospital, a place whispered about only in fearful tales.
Rumors spoke of a curse that had befallen the hospital after a gruesome series of medical experiments in the early 20th century. Patients had been subjected to horrific procedures, and their agonized cries still seemed to reverberate through the corridors.
A group of urban explorers, lured by the thrill of the forbidden and the allure of the macabre, set their sights on Kurayami Hospital. Among them was Hiroshi, the group's leader, and Yumi, a budding photographer with an affinity for capturing the eerie beauty of abandoned places.
As the explorers entered the hospital's crumbling entrance, they were greeted by the musty scent of decay and the eerie silence of long-abandoned hallways. Shadows danced in the dim light as they ventured deeper into the forsaken building, their footsteps echoing like distant whispers.
The group's excitement turned to unease as they encountered signs of the hospital's dark past—rusty surgical instruments, bloodstained gurneys, and cryptic medical notes. Yumi's camera captured it all, each photograph revealing more about the hospital's gruesome history.
As night fell, the explorers gathered in the hospital's decrepit lobby, their flashlights casting trembling beams into the darkness. It was then that they heard it—a faint, mournful wail, like the keening of a soul in torment.
Hiroshi, the group's fearless leader, brushed off their concerns, attributing the sound to the wind or their imagination. But the cries grew louder and more anguished, echoing through the halls.
The group became separated as they navigated the labyrinthine corridors. Yumi, camera in hand, wandered into the hospital's disused psychiatric ward. There, in a shadowed corner, she saw her camera's flash reveal a horrifying apparition—an onryo, a vengeful spirit with long, disheveled hair and eyes filled with hatred.
The onryo's spectral form contorted with rage as it approached Yumi. Its icy fingers reached out, and she felt an otherworldly coldness pierce her very soul. She knew that this was the spirit of a patient who had suffered unimaginable horrors in the hospital.
As Yumi's companions searched for her, they stumbled upon the onryo's lair and witnessed the terrifying encounter. In a desperate bid to save Yumi, they searched for a way to pacify the vengeful spirit.
Through a combination of research and communication with a local historian, they learned the full extent of the hospital's atrocities. Armed with this knowledge, they returned to the onryo's domain to confront the spirit and offer it the peace it had been denied for so long.
In a climactic showdown, the group faced the onryo, revealing the hospital's dark secrets and acknowledging the suffering of the tormented souls within. With profound remorse, they begged for forgiveness on behalf of those who had perpetrated the atrocities.
As the first rays of dawn broke over Kurayami, the onryo's anguished wails transformed into a mournful sigh. The spirit, its wrath finally quelled, dissipated into the ether, leaving behind a sense of profound sadness and closure.
The group of urban explorers emerged from Kurayami Hospital, forever changed by their encounter with the supernatural. They had confronted the past and offered redemption to the restless dead, leaving the decaying city with a newfound sense of hope.
"The Onryo's Revenge" became a cautionary tale among urban explorers, a reminder that some places are best left undisturbed, and that the past, no matter how dark, can be confronted and reconciled.
End of Chapter 4: "The Onryo's Revenge"
Chapter 5: "The Dollmaker's Curse"
In a remote mountain village, nestled among mist-shrouded peaks, a master dollmaker crafted exquisite creations that captured the hearts of collectors worldwide. Yet, within her secluded workshop, a malevolent force lurked—one that would ensnare a curious journalist in a nightmarish world of living dolls and dark secrets.
Chapter 5: "The Dollmaker's Curse"
Hidden away in the secluded village of Ichiban, known only to those who ventured deep into the mountains, lived a master dollmaker named Ai. Her dolls were celebrated for their lifelike beauty and craftsmanship, with collectors from distant lands coveting her creations.
One brisk autumn morning, a journalist named Keiko received a cryptic letter from a source in Ichiban, hinting at a sinister mystery surrounding Ai's dolls. Intrigued by the enigmatic message, Keiko embarked on a journey to the remote village, determined to uncover the truth.
Ichiban was a place untouched by time, its cobblestone streets winding through dense forests and past centuries-old homes. The village exuded an eerie tranquility, and the locals spoke in hushed tones about Ai's dolls, rumored to be infused with a piece of the human soul.
Upon reaching Ai's workshop, Keiko was greeted by the dollmaker herself, a woman of grace and poise. The workshop was a treasure trove of exquisite dolls, their eyes seeming to follow Keiko's every move. Among them, a particular doll known as Hikari stood out—a hauntingly beautiful creation with ebony hair and obsidian eyes.
As Keiko delved deeper into the village's mysteries, she discovered that Hikari was believed to house the soul of a deceased child, a belief held by both Ai and the villagers. The doll's unsettling presence and the uncanny resemblance it bore to a girl named Mei, who had died tragically years ago, sent shivers down Keiko's spine.
Keiko's nights in Ichiban were filled with restless dreams of porcelain dolls that came to life. In these dreams, Hikari beckoned her to uncover the truth behind the dollmaker's creations. Guided by an inexplicable compulsion, Keiko embarked on a quest to unearth the dark secrets hidden within Ai's workshop.
As Keiko investigated further, she uncovered Ai's own tragic past—a story of unrequited love, loss, and a desperate desire to capture the essence of the human soul in her dolls. With each revelation, the line between the living and the lifeless blurred, and Keiko felt herself becoming entangled in a nightmarish world.
The dolls that had once been works of art now seemed to harbor malevolence. They moved of their own accord, their eyes filled with an eerie, lifelike intensity. Keiko realized that Ai's obsession had bound her to a sinister force, and her creations hungered for more than just existence.
In a chilling climax, Keiko confronted Ai and the curse that had gripped her creations. Together, they sought to break the curse's hold and release the trapped souls within the dolls.
As the moon hung low in the night sky, Ai performed a solemn ritual, guided by the spirit of Mei, whose essence had been captured in Hikari. The dolls, imbued with a restless energy, gathered around, their haunting eyes watching as the curse was lifted.
With a mournful sigh, the dolls' porcelain features softened, and their malevolence dissipated. The spirit of Mei was set free, and the dolls became lifeless once more, their beauty preserved in eternal stillness.
Ichiban returned to its peaceful slumber, and Keiko departed with a newfound appreciation for the power of art and the depths of human longing. The village's haunting tale of the dollmaker's curse served as a reminder that some obsessions could lead to the creation of something far more sinister than art itself.
End of Chapter 5: "The Dollmaker's Curse"
Chapter 6: "The Shadow in the Forest"
In a land steeped in history and tradition, the Aokigahara Forest, known as the "Suicide Forest," concealed a dark secret. Within its dense, ancient foliage, a group of hikers would embark on a journey that would lead them into the heart of a malevolent force.
Chapter 6: "The Shadow in the Forest"
Deep within the prefecture of Yamanashi, shrouded in a perpetual mist, lay the infamous Aokigahara Forest—an expanse of ancient woodland that held a dark reputation. Known as the "Suicide Forest," it had been a site of countless tragic deaths throughout the centuries.
A group of adventurous hikers, seeking to conquer the wilderness and challenge the forest's ominous legends, gathered on a chilly autumn morning. Among them was Akira, an experienced guide with a deep respect for the forest's history, and Yumi, a young woman in search of adventure and solace from her own troubled past.
The hikers ventured deep into the forest, their footsteps muffled by the thick blanket of moss and fallen leaves. The dense canopy above cast eerie shadows, and the trees seemed to whisper secrets of sorrow and despair.
As they trekked further into the woods, they began to notice strange occurrences—a disconcerting sense of being watched, distant whispers on the wind, and ghostly apparitions that flickered at the edge of their vision. Akira, the guide, attributed these phenomena to the forest's ominous reputation and urged the group to press on.
Yet, the forest's grip on their minds and senses tightened. Yumi, in particular, felt a strange connection to the haunting forces that seemed to lurk behind every tree. Inexplicable visions of tragedy and despair flashed before her eyes, and a sense of overwhelming dread enveloped her.
Night descended on the forest, and the hikers set up camp, their flickering campfire offering the only semblance of comfort in the oppressive darkness. It was then that Yumi encountered a spectral figure—a yūrei, her kimono tattered and her eyes empty voids.
The yūrei beckoned to Yumi, her voice a mournful echo. Unable to resist, Yumi followed the apparition into the depths of the forest, her companions unaware of her disappearance. The yūrei led her to a clearing where an ancient tree stood, its gnarled roots forming a grotesque face.
As Yumi approached the tree, she felt a malevolent presence—an ancient spirit of the forest itself. It spoke to her, revealing the tragic history of Aokigahara—the place where those who had lost hope sought refuge in death.
Yumi learned of the forest's vengeful guardian, a yūrei born of countless lost souls, whose suffering fueled its malevolence. It was the embodiment of the forest's sorrow, forever bound to torment those who ventured within.
Realizing that Yumi was now connected to the yūrei, her companions embarked on a desperate search to rescue her from the forest's clutches. With the guidance of Akira's knowledge and determination, they confronted the vengeful spirit, revealing the pain of their own pasts and the impact of their actions on the world around them.
As the first rays of dawn bathed Aokigahara in a pale light, the yūrei's malevolence waned, and its grip on Yumi loosened. With a final sigh, it dissipated into the morning mist, its haunting presence released from the forest.
Yumi was reunited with her companions, forever changed by her encounter with the malevolent spirit of Aokigahara. The forest's ominous reputation remained, a reminder of the darkness that could consume those who dared to venture too close to its heart.
"The Shadow in the Forest" served as a chilling testament to the mysteries of Aokigahara, where the past and the present intertwined, and the boundaries between life and death blurred beneath the ancient canopy.
End of Chapter 6: "The Shadow in the Forest"
Chapter 7: "The Haunting of the Yurei Inn"
In a remote village nestled among mist-covered mountains, a centuries-old inn held a sinister secret. When a weary traveler seeks refuge within its ancient walls, she becomes entangled in a web of supernatural mysteries that threaten to consume her soul.
Chapter 7: "The Haunting of the Yurei Inn"
The village of Okuyama was a hidden gem, nestled among towering peaks and blanketed in mist. Within this secluded haven stood the Yurei Inn, a centuries-old establishment steeped in history and whispered legends. Its age-old charm masked a sinister truth—a haunting presence that had plagued the inn for generations.
Amidst a dense fog, a lone traveler named Rei arrived in Okuyama, weary and seeking shelter from the elements. The Yurei Inn, with its rustic charm and flickering lanterns, seemed like the perfect refuge. Little did Rei know that her stay at the inn would unravel the mysteries hidden within its ancient walls.
Upon her arrival, Rei was greeted by the inn's elderly proprietress, Eiko, a woman whose weathered features and deep knowledge of the village's history hinted at a deeper connection to the inn's haunting past.
As Rei settled into her room, the oppressive atmosphere within the inn became palpable. Shadows seemed to dance in the corners of her vision, and strange, ghostly whispers echoed in the corridors. Unbeknownst to her, Rei had become a pawn in a centuries-old battle between the inn and the vengeful spirits that resided within.
In the dead of night, Rei awoke to a chilling presence at her bedside—an ethereal yurei, her white burial kimono flowing like a spectral river. The vengeful spirit's eyes held an insatiable hunger, and she reached out to Rei, her fingers icy and skeletal.
Rei's nights became torment as she encountered more yurei within the inn, each with their own tragic stories of betrayal, injustice, and unfulfilled desires. The spirits sought vengeance, and Rei's presence within the inn had awakened their malevolence.
Desperate to uncover the inn's secrets and free herself from the spirits' relentless pursuit, Rei sought the guidance of Eiko. The elderly proprietress revealed the tragic history of the inn—an establishment built on the suffering of countless souls who had met their demise within its walls.
Eiko's own family had been entangled in the inn's dark legacy, and she bore the weight of their deeds. Together, Rei and Eiko embarked on a journey to confront the yurei and offer them redemption, hoping to break the cycle of suffering that had plagued the inn for centuries.
In a harrowing confrontation with the vengeful spirits, Rei and Eiko unveiled the truth behind the inn's cursed history and acknowledged the pain of the souls that had been wronged. With heartfelt apologies and rituals of atonement, they sought to release the spirits from their torment.
As the first rays of dawn bathed Okuyama in a golden light, the yurei's spectral forms dissolved into the ether, their eyes filled with a mix of sorrow and gratitude. The Yurei Inn, once a place of darkness, now held the promise of redemption.
Rei departed from Okuyama, forever marked by her encounter with the supernatural. The Yurei Inn, now cleansed of its malevolent spirits, stood as a testament to the power of reconciliation and the hope of breaking the chains of the past.
"The Haunting of the Yurei Inn" became a cautionary tale among villagers, a reminder that the sins of the past could be confronted and forgiven, even in the face of vengeful spirits.
End of Chapter 7: "The Haunting of the Yurei Inn"
Chapter 8: "The Curse of the Haunted Kimono"
In the heart of Kyoto, where tradition and modernity intertwined, a family heirloom, an ancient kimono, carried a chilling curse that had plagued generations. A woman must delve into her family's history to uncover the origins of the curse and find a way to break it before it consumes her and her loved ones.
Chapter 8: "The Curse of the Haunted Kimono"
Kyoto, the city of a thousand temples, was a place where time seemed to stand still. Among the historic districts, the Nakamura family had passed down a treasured heirloom for generations—an exquisite silk kimono adorned with intricate embroidery, a relic of a bygone era.
The kimono had always been a source of fascination and reverence within the Nakamura family. It was said to be imbued with mystical powers, protecting its wearer from harm and misfortune. But beneath its ornate beauty lay a dark secret—a curse that had haunted the family for centuries.
Emi, the youngest of the Nakamura family, had grown up hearing stories of the kimono's mystical properties and the curse that clung to it. When her grandmother passed away, leaving the kimono in her care, Emi became the latest custodian of this fabled garment.
As the years passed, strange occurrences began to plague Emi and her family. The kimono seemed to have a malevolent presence, causing nightmares, unexplained accidents, and a growing sense of dread. Emi's husband, Toshiro, and their young daughter, Yuki, bore the brunt of the curse's effects.
Desperate to protect her loved ones, Emi embarked on a quest to uncover the origins of the curse and find a way to break it. She delved into her family's history, poring over ancient scrolls and consulting with local priests and scholars.
Through her research, Emi learned of a tragic love story that had been concealed for generations—a forbidden romance between a Nakamura ancestor and a woman from a rival clan. The lovers had been torn apart by a vengeful spirit, and their love had been sealed within the cursed kimono.
With newfound determination, Emi sought out the help of a renowned exorcist, who revealed that the curse could only be broken by reconciling the spirits of the star-crossed lovers and offering them a chance at eternal peace.
Emi, Toshiro, and Yuki embarked on a journey to the ancestral shrine of the Nakamura family, where they conducted a solemn ritual to appease the vengeful spirits. As they offered their prayers and made heartfelt apologies on behalf of their ancestors, a profound sense of forgiveness washed over them.
In a climactic moment, the cursed kimono transformed, its once malevolent aura dissipating into the ether. The spirits of the star-crossed lovers, now free from their torment, appeared before Emi and her family, their eyes filled with gratitude.
As the cherry blossoms rained down upon Kyoto, Emi, Toshiro, and Yuki returned home with a newfound sense of peace and closure. The kimono, no longer cursed, became a symbol of their family's resilience and the enduring power of love and forgiveness.
"The Curse of the Haunted Kimono" served as a reminder that the sins of the past could be atoned for and that the bonds of love and family could transcend even the darkest of curses.
End of Chapter 8: "The Curse of the Haunted Kimono"
Chapter 9: "The Mirror's Malevolence"
In a quiet suburban neighborhood, an antique mirror with a sinister past found its way into the home of a young couple. As they unwittingly unleashed the malevolent spirit trapped within, they must confront the mirror's dark history to save themselves and their family.
Chapter 9: "The Mirror's Malevolence"
In a serene suburban neighborhood, where cherry blossoms bloomed with each passing spring, lived a young couple, Hiroshi and Aiko, who were enamored with the charm of their new home. They had recently moved into a quaint, old-fashioned house that came with a peculiar antique mirror.
The mirror was ornate and beautiful, its frame adorned with delicate carvings of cherry blossoms. It had been left behind by the previous owner, a recluse who had passed away under mysterious circumstances. Little did Hiroshi and Aiko know that this mirror carried a malevolent secret.
As they settled into their new home, strange occurrences began to unfold. Reflections in the mirror seemed to distort, showing glimpses of eerie, shadowy figures lurking in the background. At night, whispers filled the room as if unseen voices murmured from within the glass.
Aiko, with her fascination for the occult, was the first to sense the mirror's sinister aura. She delved into research, uncovering tales of a cursed mirror that had plagued the previous owner's family for generations.
The mirror had once belonged to a vengeful spirit, a yūrei who had perished in despair. Its malevolence was bound to the glass, and those who possessed it were tormented by the spirit's relentless anger and sorrow.
Desperate to free themselves from the mirror's curse, Hiroshi and Aiko sought the guidance of a spiritual medium. Through a series of rituals and séances, they made contact with the vengeful spirit trapped within the mirror.
The spirit's story unfolded like a tragic drama—the yūrei had been a young woman in love with a man from a rival clan. Their love was forbidden, and when their secret was discovered, they had both met a grisly end. Her spirit had been bound to the mirror as punishment for her defiance of societal norms.
With the medium's help, Hiroshi and Aiko offered prayers and apologies on behalf of the mirror's original owner, seeking forgiveness for the wrongs committed against the vengeful spirit. They vowed to help the spirit find peace and redemption.
In a chilling climax, they conducted a final ritual, allowing the yūrei to pass on and find the solace she had been denied for centuries. As they gazed into the mirror one last time, they saw the spirit's reflection fade into the distance, her eyes filled with a mix of gratitude and farewell.
The mirror, now cleansed of its malevolence, became a symbol of hope and renewal for Hiroshi and Aiko. Their family flourished, and the cherry blossoms in their garden bloomed with newfound vibrancy, a testament to the enduring power of love and forgiveness.
"The Mirror's Malevolence" served as a chilling reminder that even the most innocuous objects could carry dark secrets, and that confronting the past and seeking redemption could break the bonds of even the most malevolent curses.
End of Chapter 9: "The Mirror's Malevolence"
Chapter 10: "The Bridge to the Beyond"
In a remote mountain village, isolated from the modern world, a historic bridge served as a link between the living and the dead. When a group of travelers crossed its ancient planks, they would discover the chilling truth behind the bridge's supernatural origins.
Chapter 10: "The Bridge to the Beyond"
Deep within the heart of the Japanese mountains, nestled among ancient forests and shrouded in mist, lay the village of Yamanokawa. It was a place where tradition and superstition still held sway, and the bridge that spanned the river was both a lifeline and a gateway to the unknown.
A group of adventurous travelers, drawn by the allure of Yamanokawa's untouched beauty, embarked on a journey to explore the village's remote reaches. Among them were Kaito, a historian with an insatiable curiosity, and Mia, a photographer who sought to capture the essence of this secluded world.
The village's centerpiece was the Akane Bridge, a weathered structure made of ancient wood and adorned with centuries-old lanterns. Its planks creaked with the weight of history, and the river below whispered tales of lives long gone.
As the travelers ventured deeper into Yamanokawa, they discovered that the villagers held a profound reverence for the bridge. It was said to be a link between the living and the dead, a place where offerings were made to appease the spirits that dwelled in the surrounding forest.
As night descended, the travelers set up camp near the Akane Bridge, its lanterns casting an eerie, flickering glow on the river's surface. It was then that they heard the sound—a mournful melody that seemed to emanate from the bridge itself.
Mia, driven by curiosity, followed the haunting tune to the bridge's edge. There, bathed in an otherworldly light, she saw a figure—a woman in a white kimono, her long hair flowing like an ebony waterfall.
The woman, whose name was Hikari, revealed herself to be a yūrei, a spirit bound to the Akane Bridge for centuries. She had once been a young bride whose love had been torn apart by a tragic accident on her wedding day. Her spirit was eternally linked to the bridge, where she waited for her beloved to return.
Kaito, the historian, delved into the village's archives and uncovered the tragic story of Hikari's past. It was a tale of love and loss, of a bride whose life had been cut short, and a groom whose heart had been forever scarred by grief.
With newfound determination, the travelers sought to reunite the spirits of Hikari and her beloved. They embarked on a journey deep into the forest, following a path laden with offerings and prayers.
At the heart of the forest, they discovered an ancient shrine dedicated to love and reconciliation. There, in a poignant ceremony, they offered heartfelt prayers and apologies on behalf of the villagers and the groom who had never returned.
As the first light of dawn broke over Yamanokawa, a sense of serenity washed over the Akane Bridge. Hikari's spectral form dissolved into the river's mist, her eyes filled with a mix of longing and gratitude.
The travelers departed from Yamanokawa, forever changed by their encounter with the supernatural. The Akane Bridge, now freed from its haunting past, stood as a testament to the enduring power of love and the hope of reuniting even in the afterlife.
"The Bridge to the Beyond" became a legend whispered among villagers, a reminder that some bonds could transcend time and that the spirit of love endured even in the face of eternity.
End of Chapter 10: "The Bridge to the Beyond"

Context: I'm in my 30s being treated by a trans-specialist family practitioner (not an endo) at a trans-specialist clinic in Canada, and I'm sharing my side effects with & operating under the guidance of the doc. It is common for me to have unusual or extreme reactions to medications and substances, especially stimulants and psychiatric medications, but my reaction to T was the worst reaction I've ever had. I'm just wondering if anyone has had similar experiences to what I've had, or has any idea what might be causing this. There's a narrative that feel good on hrt = you are trans, feel bad on hrt = not trans, but I still want to experience physical masculinization so I feel like I must still be trans... could I really be that wrong?
I have been on and off low-dose T for a little over a month. I was prescribed to apply a 2.5g sachet of Androgel (1% testosterone gel) daily. The first time I did this I expected to feel nothing, instead I felt like I got hit by a bus: I was almost immediately feeling hyper-excited, lightheaded, pupils dilated, distracted and jittery, racing heart, and within a few hours I was sweating, nauseous, non-functional, with blurred vision and the worst headache I've ever had (worse than migraines or a severe concussion). The headache persisted long after 24h. I probably should've gone to the ER but waited 2 days to see my usual doctor. The doctor tested my blood pressure (normal - she said that blood pressure would not be a cause of the headache because if so the headache would have subsided once the blood pressure was normal) and sent me immediately to the ER. The ER found nothing wrong with me, gave me the big-guns stuff for pain, and sent me home. From that single application of gel I had an immobilizing headache for a little over a week.
I remained determined to go on T and with the support of my doctor tried applying a much lover dose- really just dipping a pinkie in the gel and applying that much. Under 0.25g of gel. I had a lot of the same symptoms but less, and tolerable, and persisted with about that dosage and a constant low-grade headache for about two weeks. I started having wicked mood swings, from incredibly elated and hyper-energized, to despondent on the floor. My dysphoria, dissociation, and brain fog got worse x1000. I felt dysphoric that my body wasn't masculine enough, but ALSO started for the first time that I can ever remember having really dark episodes where I longed for my body to be *more feminine* which totally shocked me. When I looked at myself in the mirror, instead of just being surprised to see "oh no, that's what I look like?" (my normal, pre-T level of dysphoria) I started to have this sensation that there was a huge vast expanse between my reflection and myself and that my reflection was disappearing into the distance.
But, there were also moments when I felt so cheerful, outgoing, energized, when I felt "masculine" on the inside in an exciting way and felt like I could see my internal picture of myself as more masculine, which I was excited by. So I kept on. I noticed that the dark mood swings and "feminine" swings seemed to be worst right before applying my next dose, so went up to <0.25g twice a day, once in the morning and once before bed. That alleviated the worst of the mood swings and for a couple days I felt pretty good, but then for a couple of days after that I felt so tired and the brain fog got so much worse. I started to feel emotionally numb: I didn't like my favourite colour anymore, I didn't enjoy the view from my window that I love, I didn't want to watch my favourite TV shows or do my favourite hobbies, I started to feel like an alien in my home surrounded by things that used to belong to me and that I used to care about but that I couldn't summon of the feeling of caring about anymore. This was made so much worse by the constant low level headache that started turning in to just constant overstimulation: I couldn't tolerate middling bright light or moderate sounds, looking at colours or patterns hurt my eyes. I had to take the bedspread off my bed because a neutral stripe pattern was overwhelming me. I had the urge to take all the art off walls because they hurt my eyes and made me feel claustrophobic and I couldn't feel the feeling of enjoying the art. I felt numb inside and constantly overwhelmed. There was one whole day when I just lay on my back and stared at the ceiling because I was so brain foggy and out of it, and this was when I stopped applying the Tgel.
The day after my last dose, I felt immediately clearer and more alert, my capacity for joy returned. The feeling of overstimulation became more manageable although it has stayed for several days. I felt the thing I thought I was *supposed* to feel on T: more grounded, thinking clearer, like even though I hated my body at the very least it belonged to me. I felt great but also freaked out. Could running on estrogen really be what my body needed? How wrong could I possibly have been? There might have still been a little T in my system at that point because the withdrawal headaches didn't kick in until the next day, it's all kind of hard to say.
Anyways it's been a few days and I still feel my usual level of pre-T dysphoria, but I am at least a little more stable and functional than I was on T and I'm trying to figure out wtf happened.

• Is T just bad for me and I need to be on an estrogen system
• I know low T level can make trans guys feel like hell, so was I just on too low of a dose to feel the positive effects consistently? It seems like the worst parts where when my T was lower eg. before the next dose which is sort of consistent with what I've heard from others on T but just to a lesser degree
• might some of these side effects go away with time or with switching to a different form of T?

The only forms of T approved for HRT in Canada are gel and injections. There used to be a patch but it was recalled. My doctor is looking into the oral T that is approved for TRT to see if it might be ok to give that to me to try and see what happens. Because of my very bad initial reaction we are both wary of giving me an injection because there is no way to inject very small doses and then if I do have serious side effects they could last for weeks. However, I will probably want to try injections at some point if all else fails. The doctor has said that while my side effects sound disorienting and painful nothing pings for her as a serious health concern and she feels confident that giving me T is not putting me as risk of lasting serious harm to my body or health. Just a lot of severe but temporary discomfort.
I am in my thirties and have had a LOT of therapy from gender competent therapists and have done years of research and questioning. I tried identifying as nonbinary without pursuing hrt for 4 years and was confident that that didn't feel right or affirming to me. I really don't think, and my therapist doesn't think, that I'm pursuing T for one of the oft-claimed "wrong" reasons like trauma or body dysmorphia. I feel pretty certain that I really just want a male body. Is it really possible for me, a 30+ year old adult with an otherwise pretty good head on my shoulders, to be THAT wrong about myself?
I know and have heard again and again people saying that having the "right" hormones in your body should feel good, and the "wrong" hormones bad. But I also know that some people manage to stay on hormones for years before realizing they don't want to be on them, and surely not all those people can be feeling as debilitatingly bad as I did for years and years without ever considering going off hrt. I barely survived those two weeks. And so if it can be possible for some people to feel ok-ish on hrt and *not* be trans, it might not be SO impossible for me to feel like hell on it and still be trans, right?
Right now my plan is to rest a bit, get my life a bit in order, and then try HRT again. Maybe if I can't be on it for the long term I can at least be on it for some short stints long enough to get at least some voice changes or facial hair or something at least a little bit affirming. I have been googling how much it costs to get facial masculinization through surgery alone and feeling despondent. I don't want to have to look female for the rest of my life.

Context: I'm in my 30s being treated by a trans-specialist family practitioner (not an endo) at a trans-specialist clinic in Canada, and I'm sharing my side effects with & operating under the guidance of the doc. It is common for me to have unusual or extreme reactions to medications and substances, especially stimulants and psychiatric medications, but my reaction to T was the worst reaction I've ever had. I'm just wondering if anyone has had similar experiences to what I've had, or has any idea what might be causing this. There's a narrative that feel good on hrt = you are trans, feel bad on hrt = not trans, but I still want to experience physical masculinization so I feel like I must still be trans... could I really be that wrong?
I have been on and off low-dose T for a little over a month. I was prescribed to apply a 2.5g sachet of Androgel (1% testosterone gel) daily. The first time I did this I expected to feel nothing, instead I felt like I got hit by a bus: I was almost immediately feeling hyper-excited, lightheaded, pupils dilated, distracted and jittery, racing heart, and within a few hours I was sweating, nauseous, non-functional, with blurred vision and the worst headache I've ever had (worse than migraines or a severe concussion). The headache persisted long after 24h. I probably should've gone to the ER but waited 2 days to see my usual doctor. The doctor tested my blood pressure (normal - she said that blood pressure would not be a cause of the headache because if so the headache would have subsided once the blood pressure was normal) and sent me immediately to the ER. The ER found nothing wrong with me, gave me the big-guns stuff for pain, and sent me home. From that single application of gel I had an immobilizing headache for a little over a week.
I remained determined to go on T and with the support of my doctor tried applying a much lover dose- really just dipping a pinkie in the gel and applying that much. Under 0.25g of gel. I had a lot of the same symptoms but less, and tolerable, and persisted with about that dosage and a constant low-grade headache for about two weeks. I started having wicked mood swings, from incredibly elated and hyper-energized, to despondent on the floor. My dysphoria, dissociation, and brain fog got worse x1000. I felt dysphoric that my body wasn't masculine enough, but ALSO started for the first time that I can ever remember having really dark episodes where I longed for my body to be *more feminine* which totally shocked me. When I looked at myself in the mirror, instead of just being surprised to see "oh no, that's what I look like?" (my normal, pre-T level of dysphoria) I started to have this sensation that there was a huge vast expanse between my reflection and myself and that my reflection was disappearing into the distance.
But, there were also moments when I felt so cheerful, outgoing, energized, when I felt "masculine" on the inside in an exciting way and felt like I could see my internal picture of myself as more masculine, which I was excited by. So I kept on. I noticed that the dark mood swings and "feminine" swings seemed to be worst right before applying my next dose, so went up to <0.25g twice a day, once in the morning and once before bed. That alleviated the worst of the mood swings and for a couple days I felt pretty good, but then for a couple of days after that I felt so tired and the brain fog got so much worse. I started to feel emotionally numb: I didn't like my favourite colour anymore, I didn't enjoy the view from my window that I love, I didn't want to watch my favourite TV shows or do my favourite hobbies, I started to feel like an alien in my home surrounded by things that used to belong to me and that I used to care about but that I couldn't summon of the feeling of caring about anymore. This was made so much worse by the constant low level headache that started turning in to just constant overstimulation: I couldn't tolerate middling bright light or moderate sounds, looking at colours or patterns hurt my eyes. I had to take the bedspread off my bed because a neutral stripe pattern was overwhelming me. I had the urge to take all the art off walls because they hurt my eyes and made me feel claustrophobic and I couldn't feel the feeling of enjoying the art. I felt numb inside and constantly overwhelmed. There was one whole day when I just lay on my back and stared at the ceiling because I was so brain foggy and out of it, and this was when I stopped applying the Tgel.
The day after my last dose, I felt immediately clearer and more alert, my capacity for joy returned. The feeling of overstimulation became more manageable although it has stayed for several days. I felt the thing I thought I was *supposed* to feel on T: more grounded, thinking clearer, like even though I hated my body at the very least it belonged to me. I felt great but also freaked out. Could running on estrogen really be what my body needed? How wrong could I possibly have been? There might have still been a little T in my system at that point because the withdrawal headaches didn't kick in until the next day, it's all kind of hard to say.
Anyways it's been a few days and I still feel my usual level of pre-T dysphoria, but I am at least a little more stable and functional than I was on T and I'm trying to figure out wtf happened.

• Is T just bad for me and I need to be on an estrogen system
  
• I know low T level can make trans guys feel like hell, so was I just on too low of a dose to feel the positive effects consistently? It seems like the worst parts where when my T was lower eg. before the next dose which is sort of consistent with what I've heard from others on T but just to a lesser degree
  
• might some of these side effects go away with time or with switching to a different form of T?
  

The only forms of T approved for HRT in Canada are gel and injections. There used to be a patch but it was recalled. My doctor is looking into the oral T that is approved for TRT to see if it might be ok to give that to me to try and see what happens. Because of my very bad initial reaction we are both wary of giving me an injection because there is no way to inject very small doses and then if I do have serious side effects they could last for weeks. However, I will probably want to try injections at some point if all else fails. The doctor has said that while my side effects sound disorienting and painful nothing pings for her as a serious health concern and she feels confident that giving me T is not putting me as risk of lasting serious harm to my body or health. Just a lot of severe but temporary discomfort.
I am in my thirties and have had a LOT of therapy from gender competent therapists and have done years of research and questioning. I tried identifying as nonbinary without pursuing hrt for 4 years and was confident that that didn't feel right or affirming to me. I really don't think, and my therapist doesn't think, that I'm pursuing T for one of the oft-claimed "wrong" reasons like trauma or body dysmorphia. I feel pretty certain that I really just want a male body. Is it really possible for me, a 30+ year old adult with an otherwise pretty good head on my shoulders, to be THAT wrong about myself?
I know and have heard again and again people saying that having the "right" hormones in your body should feel good, and the "wrong" hormones bad. But I also know that some people manage to stay on hormones for years before realizing they don't want to be on them, and surely not all those people can be feeling as debilitatingly bad as I did for years and years without ever considering going off hrt. I barely survived those two weeks. And so if it can be possible for some people to feel ok-ish on hrt and *not* be trans, it might not be SO impossible for me to feel like hell on it and still be trans, right?
Right now my plan is to rest a bit, get my life a bit in order, and then try HRT again. Maybe if I can't be on it for the long term I can at least be on it for some short stints long enough to get at least some voice changes or facial hair or something at least a little bit affirming. I have been googling how much it costs to get facial masculinization through surgery alone and feeling despondent. I don't want to have to look female for the rest of my life.

Return to Darger
Throughout the writing of this book Henry Darger has always been on my mind. Surely what Darger wanted most was to figure out how to work the magic that would give his works their own autonomous reality. He spent enormous amounts of time in the attempt and used every technology at his disposal. His greatest source of fascination and encouragement in this creative effort came from the phallic girls that he himself had drawn. If hysteria can be said to captivate us with its symptoms, what captivated Darger were hysterical girls whose hysteria had been inverted within the fantasy space that he pioneered. The clearest sign of this “inversion” is the penises that Darger drew on the little girls. In a fictional world exempt from the restrictions of reality (genjitsu), which is to say in a mediated space, it is the negative of hysteria more than drawn hysteria itself that can most easily become the object of real desire. The credit for the invention of the phallic girl belongs, after all, to Darger alone.
As a neurotic, Darger suffered from eternal adolescence. He limited his social relations and did everything he could to isolate himself. Of course, he did have a job, and to that extent he participated in society. But I cannot help thinking that he chose to work because he knew that this was the best way to shut himself off completely from society. Had he not worked, he would have had to rely on social welfare or join the ranks of the homeless. Both of these options would have forced him into troublesome interpersonal negotiations. By abandoning all social ambitions and engaging in the minimum necessary and least conspicuous occupation, he was able to render his existence as transparent as possible. This “employment as camouflage” enabled Darger to completely seal off his own sacred space. As a result, his adolescence was preserved for sixty years.
Some doubts still remain. Is it really possible for someone who is not mentally ill to live this way? My own clinical experience tells me that it is entirely possible. While they might not be as extreme as Darger, there are now more and more young men and women who shut themselves in at home for long periods of time. The first symptom to appear for many of them is the refusal to go to school, and when this becomes chronic they can end up becoming adults without being able to leave the house. For some this condition lasts into their thirties and forties. The fact that this situation can persist over the long term without being accompanied by a psychiatric disorder is still not widely known. I believe that we can infer something about how Darger felt from the example of these Japanese shutins, known as hikikomori. Of course, not all young shut-ins have the creativity of a Darger. In this sense Darger was a conspicuous exception. So what qualities enabled Darger’s creativity?
I believe it was Darger’s eidetic memory. As I explained earlier, eidetic memory is present in many children, but tends to recede with age. We do not know why this happens, but I believe one factor has to do with how we are disciplined and socialized. Darger entered into his bachelor’s existence without receiving much of an education and remained almost completely cut off from society thereafter. Given this education and lifestyle, it is not unreasonable to think that Darger’s eidetic memory might have been preserved undiminished.
As is well known, eidetic images are different from normal ones. It is said that one can gaze at them at leisure and examine them in detail as if one were looking at an actual landscape unfolding before one’s eye. Therefore they are less like imaginary images than actual figures, with the kind of materiality that Bergson attributed to what he called the image. In this sense, the eidetic image can be said to exist outside the representation, as something more than an image. Let us assume that such eidetic images formed the nucleus of Darger’s creativity.
The issue here is Darger’s narcissism. What is most striking about Darger’s paintings is that they seem to have been the product of an almost perfect self-love. The purity of this expressive act with no intended recipient is what accounts for their ability to move us. Would it be too much to suggest that here we are in direct contact with what Michael Balint described as the mysterious realm “where there is no object relationship and no transference,” the psychic territory of the “area of creation?”
But where was his self-love directed? From his descriptions of himself in his biography as an “old lame man,” we know that his self-image was not particularly exaggerated or idealized. In other words, his self-love was not directed toward his own image of himself. Was its object not rather the images that came to life inside him, provided by his eidetic images functioned as the catalyst for boundless fantasizing. His imaginary kingdom was the recipient of a continuous libidinal cathexis that made it a virtually homeostatic ecosystem of fantasy. Giving the little girls penises in the place of trauma and weaving a narrative of an endless war while resisting the encroachment of maturation provided this ecosystem with the drive to generate itself further. This generation would have been supplemented even more by his manipulations of various media. This perspective will put us on a surprising trajectory.
Of course, this model may be too simple to describe the creative process of a work of art. But it was necessary for me to articulate it. Now we can move the discussion to a more general level. Let us hypothesize that what happened in Darger’s little apartment is being repeated on a far larger scale in Japan today. It is here that my discovery of the problematic of the phallic girl in the encounter with Darger’s takes on its full significance. We must recognize Darger’s position as the lone, privileged harbinger of something much larger. Darger provides a prognostic model for the kind of creativity that can result from the interaction of the modern media environment and the adolescent psyche, a model that we are now repeating. Its psychoanalytic value is all the more pure because we repeat it without realizing it.
It has now become possible to do without the eidetic memory that we have imagined for Darger. We have already acquired an extremely sophisticated media environment in which our visual perception and our memory in particular have been vastly expanded. In this environment it has become possible in principle to instantly access, reproduce, and transmit any kind of visual image. Or at least we have no problem believing in such a possibility. When the adolescent psyche is linked to and interacts with this space, we should not be surprised if the result is to summon the icon of the phallic girl. In Darger's, or even our own, uncastrated imaginations, she is sure to flourish even more. As a creature with no connection whatsoever to "everyday reality," she thrives in any and all possible media spaces.
Media and Sexuality
The notion of “raw reality” has now lost all of its usefulness. The opposition between reality and fiction has nothing to contribute to our definitions of the actual. Whether or not the opposition is a true one, discussions premised on its self-evidence tend to be crushingly boring. The process leading to this likely has to do with the impossibility of a pure medium. This kind of awareness advances irreversibly, so that no amount of effort will allow us to return to our earlier state of naivete. Our shared fantasies have been reduced to a single one: that we are all living our lives consuming vast quantities of information. I wrote in-depth about this fantasy in my previous book, Bunmyakubyo (The disease of context), so I will not repeat myself here.
For us who live this fantasy of an informationalized everyday, there is nothing at all surprising about the existence of something like a fiction more real than reality (genjitsu ijo ni riaru na kyoko). The same is true of the autonomy of fiction. When our desire comes into contact with these spaces, it comes naturally to us to boot up the beautiful fighting girls. I am trying to read into this process an untended inversion of desire. Why is it that we are so captivated by these phallic girls who will never exist in actuality? Are they not a strategy for resisting the informationalization of society, in other words, the flattening fictionalization of the entire world?
If anything, we are more sensitive than we have ever been to the way fiction works. We know very well that our awareness is always limited, that it is nothing more than an image constructed according to the logic of our nervous system and the organization of our psyche. We also believe that all awareness can be turned into information. With this understanding we can conclude many times over that everything is fiction and nothing more. But we must be careful, because this is only the sign of an equally naïve nihilism. Lacanian theory, for example, is still a powerful framework, but one of its side effects has been the creation of a naïve idealism and a naïve metaphysics. This kind of epistemological revolution does little more than introduce a false complexity into the circuitry of self-reference.
It is sex that keeps resisting to the end the fictionalization and relativization brought on by the fantasies of an informationalized society. Sexuality has never been portrayed as a complete fiction, and it is unlikely that it ever will be. In Darger’s work and in Japanese space, I see the figure of the phallic girl appearing to open up a pathway to reality for people whose exposure to the media space has caused them to seclude themselves in the information fantasy. No matter what kind of character she is made out to be and what kind of specs are used to describe her, the moment we desire her, reality (genjitsu) intrudes. This is not the “everyday reality” that I have discussed with such care so far. The reality (genjitsu) that I am talking about here refers to the real (genjitsuteki) operations that underpin on a fundamental level the logic of that everyday reality (genjitsu). Through the circuits of our desire we are touching the “reality” (genjitsu) of the “mystery of the woman who does not exist.” In this context, the media space of anime, for example, serves as a kind of turnout where we can wait while we verify the “reality” (genjitsu) of sexuality. In this spot we fully experience the economy of desire, and then we return to everyday reality (genjitsu). Understanding that the difference between fiction and reality (genjitsu) is only imaginary is possible only after one has set foot on the impossible territory of the Real that underlies it. We are able to understand this only through the real (genjitsuteki) functioning that is our own sexuality.
We see reality in the existence of the phallic girls. This is because no one who is ignorant of the reality of sex is capable of loving them. Knowledge of the reality of sex, needless to say, has almost nothing to do with the amount of sex one has experienced. It has to do with the reality that, however irrational it may be, we can be nothing other than sexual beings. But people often try to forget this fact. The information fantasy contributes to the illusion that the development of the media will cause our minds to begin functioning solely according to the principles of the imaginary. A typical example of this can be found in the theories of Sherry Turkle. She predicts that the Symbolic will disappear and psychoanalysis will collapse as the mind becomes manipulable through a visual interface like a Macintosh desktop. But this sort of prediction is plausible only when we close our eyes to the “reality of sex.”
In order not to fall under the sway of this sort of illusion, I fully affirm the otaku’s way of living. I would never try to lecture them about “getting back to reality.” They know reality better than anyone. Of course, cases of pathology and depravity occur in any community: this is as true of the community of maniacs as it is of the otaku, and of psychoanalysts, for that matter. What deserves our criticism is not otaku sexuality but the deception of those who love anime but reject sexuality. If there is a certain sincerity and ethics in a dissociated life lived with self-awareness, it is because hypocrisy and deception dwell in the falsely coherent life.
How are we to develop strategies for living in fantasy communities that have been excessively informationalized? No matter how maladaptive it may appear, loving the phallic girl is in fact an adaptive strategy. How does a psychic organization structured by logos resist the informationalization brought on by the media? How do we survive the neurotic life under the logic of a community that has been transformed and weakened to such an extent as to give rise to the mistaken belief that the Symbolic has ceased to function? One answer to this question is, by using one’s sexuality. It may be only temporary, but loving the phallic girl is a choice we have made toward greater self-awareness of our own sexuality.

• 60 Degrees Pharmaceuticals has entered an agreement with Tufts Medical Center to conduct a clinical trial that will evaluate the safety and efficacy of tafenoquine for the treatment of babesiosis in humans
• The study will be the world’s first clinical trial to evaluate tafenoquine in human babesiosis patients
• Enrollment will begin after a site initiation visit in Boston on June 13, 2024
• Agreements are being negotiated with two other prominent university hospitals to expand recruitment in the Northeast U.S. where the incidence of babesiosis has been increasing; babesiosis, a tick-borne and potentially life-threatening illness, is an orphan disease
• Case studies in the medical literature suggest that tafenoquine may be a promising alternative for the treatment of some patients hospitalized with relapsing babesiosis

WASHINGTON, May 30, 2024 (GLOBE NEWSWIRE) -- ~60 Degrees Pharmaceuticals, Inc.~ (NASDAQ: SXTP; SXTPW) (the “Company”), a pharmaceutical company focused on developing new medicines for infectious diseases, announced today it has entered into an agreement with Tufts Medical Center in Boston to conduct the world's first ~clinical trial~ evaluating the efficacy and safety of tafenoquine in treating human babesiosis patients.
Recruitment of at least 24 hospitalized patients diagnosed with babesiosis will begin after a site initiation visit at Tufts Medical Center on June 13, 2024.
Babesiosis is a steadily emerging, infectious disease transmitted by a microscopic parasite, Babesia , through the bite of the black-legged (deer) tick, the vector that spreads Lyme disease. Babesiosis, an orphan disease, may be life-threatening in elderly and immunosuppressed patients. Up to 10 percent of Lyme disease patients may be coinfected with Babesia . Therefore, up to 47,600 of the estimated 476,000 patients with new Lyme infections each year may be coinfected with Babesia .
“With tick-borne illnesses on the rise in the U.S., babesiosis is rapidly emerging as a condition of serious clinical concern,” said Dr. Geoff Dow, chief executive officer at 60 Degrees Pharmaceuticals. “The literature suggests tafenoquine may be a promising alternative for the treatment of patients hospitalized with relapsing babesiosis, so we are pleased to partner with Tufts Medical Center to conduct the first clinical trial of tafenoquine in treating hospitalized babesiosis patients. The results may eventually lead to an expanded indication for tafenoquine that will address this growing public health concern.”
Tufts Medical Center is one of several prominent university hospitals planning to participate in the study. 60 Degrees Pharmaceuticals is in negotiations with other leading university hospitals in the Northeast U.S. to add two other clinical trial sites.
Tafenoquine is approved for malaria prophylaxis in the United States under the product name ARAKODA ^® . The safety of the approved regimen of tafenoquine for malaria prophylaxis has been assessed in five separate randomized, double-blind, active comparator or placebo-controlled trials for durations of up to six months. Tafenoquine has not been proven to be effective for treatment or prevention of babesiosis and is not approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration for such an indication.
About the Study of Tafenoquine for Patients Hospitalized with Babesiosis
The study is a randomized, double-blind, placebo-controlled trial that will enroll patients at multiple sites in the Northeast U.S. and will compare the safety and efficacy of tafenoquine versus placebo in patients hospitalized for babesiosis. The two main study endpoints will be the time to sustained clinical resolution of symptoms and the time to molecular cure as determined by an FDA-approved nucleic acid test (NAT). At least 24, and as many as 33 patients, will be recruited before an interim analysis is conducted. Sufficient enrollment capacity is planned to allow all study subjects to be recruited during the 2024 tick season (June to September) if caseload is high. The interim analysis will include both a test of significance, as well as size re-estimation to allow additional recruitment if required. The study will be conducted at three hospitals in the Northeast U.S. The efficacy and safety of 8-aminoquinolines, a class of drugs that includes tafenoquine and primaquine, for prevention and treatment of malaria is well documented. Several case reports of tafenoquine use for babesiosis indicate that the drug is already being used for this purpose in the practice of medicine in the U.S.
About ARAKODA ^® (tafenoquine) Tafenoquine was discovered by Walter Reed Army Institute of Research. Tafenoquine was approved for malaria prophylaxis in 2018 in the United States as ARAKODA ^® and in Australia as KODATEF ^® . Both were commercially launched in 2019 and are currently distributed through pharmaceutical wholesaler networks in each respective country. They are available at retail pharmacies as a prescription-only malaria prevention drug. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the long terminal half-life of tafenoquine , which is approximately 16 days, may offer potential advantages in less-frequent dosing for prophylaxis for malaria. ARAKODA is not suitable for everyone, and patients and prescribers should review the Important Safety Information below. Individuals at risk of contracting malaria are prescribed ARAKODA 2 x 100 mg tablets once per day for three days (the loading phase) prior to travel to an area of the world where malaria is endemic, 2 x 100 mg tablets weekly for up to six months during travel, then 2 x 100 mg in the week following travel.
ARAKODA ^® (tafenoquine) Important Safety Information ARAKODA ^® is an antimalarial indicated for the prophylaxis of malaria in patients aged 18 years of age and older.
Contraindications ARAKODA ^® should not be administered to:

• Glucose-6-phosphate dehydrogenase (“G6PD”) deficiency or unknown G6PD status;
• Breastfeeding by a lactating woman when the infant is found to be G6PD deficient or if
• G6PD status is unknown;
• Patients with a history of psychotic disorders or current psychotic symptoms; or
• Known hypersensitivity reactions to tafenoquine, other 8-aminoquinolines, or any component of ARAKODA ^® .

Warnings and Precautions Hemolytic Anemia: G6PD testing must be performed before prescribing ARAKODA ^® due to the risk of hemolytic anemia. Monitor patients for signs or symptoms of hemolysis. G6PD Deficiency in Pregnancy or Lactation: ARAKODA ^® may cause fetal harm when administered to a pregnant woman with a G6PD-deficient fetus. ARAKODA ^® is not recommended during pregnancy. A G6PD-deficient infant may be at risk for hemolytic anemia from exposure to ARAKODA ^® through breast milk. Check infant’s G6PD status before breastfeeding begins. Methemoglobinemia: Asymptomatic elevations in blood methemoglobin have been observed. Initiate appropriate therapy if signs or symptoms of methemoglobinemia occur. Psychiatric Effects: Serious psychotic adverse reactions have been observed in patients with a history of psychosis or schizophrenia, at doses different from the approved dose. If psychotic symptoms (hallucinations, delusions, or grossly disorganized thinking or behavior) occur, consider discontinuation of ARAKODA ^® therapy and evaluation by a mental health professional as soon as possible. Hypersensitivity Reactions: Serious hypersensitivity reactions have been observed with administration of ARAKODA ^® . If hypersensitivity reactions occur, institute appropriate therapy. Delayed Adverse Reactions: Due to the long half-life of ARAKODA ^® (approximately 17 days), psychiatric effects, hemolytic anemia, methemoglobinemia, and hypersensitivity reactions may be delayed in onset and/or duration. Adverse Reactions: The most common adverse reactions (incidence greater than or equal to 1 percent) were: headache, dizziness, back pain, diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, increased alanine aminotransferase (ALT), motion sickness, insomnia, depression, abnormal dreams, and anxiety. Drug Interactions Avoid co-administration with drugs that are substrates of organic cation transporter-2 (OCT2) or multidrug and toxin extrusion (MATE) transporters.
Use in Specific Populations Lactation: Advise women not to breastfeed a G6PD-deficient infant or infant with unknown G6PD status during treatment and for 3 months after the last dose of ARAKODA ^® . To report SUSPECTED ADVERSE REACTIONS, contact 60 Degrees Pharmaceuticals, Inc. at 1- 888-834-0225 or the FDA at 1-800-FDA-1088 or ~www.fda.gov/medwatch~ . The full prescribing information of ARAKODA ^® is located ~here~ .
About 60 Degrees Pharmaceuticals, Inc. 60 Degrees Pharmaceuticals, Inc., founded in 2010, specializes in developing and marketing new medicines for the treatment and prevention of infectious diseases that affect the lives of millions of people. 60 Degrees Pharmaceuticals, Inc. achieved FDA approval of its lead product, ARAKODA ^® (tafenoquine), for malaria prevention, in 2018. 60 Degrees Pharmaceuticals, Inc. also collaborates with prominent research organizations in the U.S., Australia, and Singapore. The 60 Degrees Pharmaceuticals, Inc. mission has been supported through in-kind funding from the U.S. Department of Defense and private institutional investors including Knight Therapeutics Inc., a Canadian-based pan-American specialty pharmaceutical company. 60 Degrees Pharmaceuticals, Inc. is headquartered in Washington D.C., with a majority-owned subsidiary in Australia. Learn more at ~www.60degreespharma.com~ .
The statements contained herein may include prospects, statements of future expectations and other forward-looking statements that are based on management's current views and assumptions and involve known and unknown risks and uncertainties. Actual results, performance or events may differ materially from those expressed or implied in such forward-looking statements.
Cautionary Note Regarding Forward-Looking Statements This press release may contain “forward-looking statements” within the meaning of the safe harbor provisions of the U.S. Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995. Forward‐looking statements reflect the current view about future events. When used in this press release, the words “anticipate,” “believe,” “estimate,” “expect,” “future,” “intend,” “plan,” or the negative of these terms and similar expressions, as they relate to us or our management, identify forward‐looking statements. Forward-looking statements are neither historical facts nor assurances of future performance. Instead, they are based only on our current beliefs, expectations and assumptions regarding the future of our business, future plans and strategies, projections, anticipated events and trends, the economy, activities of regulators and future regulations and other future conditions. Because forward-looking statements relate to the future, they are subject to inherent uncertainties, risks and changes in circumstances that are difficult to predict and many of which are outside of our control. Our actual results and financial condition may differ materially from those indicated in the forward-looking statements. Therefore, you should not rely on any of these forward-looking statements. Important factors that could cause our actual results and financial condition to differ materially from those indicated in the forward-looking statements include, among others, the following: there is substantial doubt as to our ability to continue on a going-concern basis; we might not be eligible for Australian government research and development tax rebates; if we are not able to successfully develop, obtain FDA approval for, and provide for the commercialization of non- malaria prevention indications for tafenoquine (ARAKODA ^® or other regimen) or Celgosivir in a timely manner, we may not be able to expand our business operations; we may not be able to successfully conduct planned clinical trials or patient recruitment in our trials might be slow or negligible; and we have no manufacturing capacity which puts us at risk of lengthy and costly delays of bringing our products to market. More detailed information about the Company and the risk factors that may affect the realization of forward- looking statements is set forth in the Company’s filings with the Securities and Exchange Commission (“SEC”), including the information contained in our Annual Report on Form 10-K filed with the SEC on April 1, 2024, and our subsequent SEC filings. Investors and security holders are urged to read these documents free of charge on the SEC’s web site at www.sec.gov. As a result of these matters, changes in facts, assumptions not being realized or other circumstances, the Company’s actual results may differ materially from the expected results discussed in the forward-looking statements contained in this press release. Any forward-looking statement made by us in this press release is based only on information currently available to us and speaks only as of the date on which it is made. We undertake no obligation to publicly update any forward-looking statement, whether written or oral, that may be made from time to time, whether as a result of new information, future developments or otherwise.
Media Contact: Sheila A. Burke [SheilaBurke-consultant@60degreespharma.com](mailto:SheilaBurke-consultant@60degreespharma.com) (484) 667-6330
Investor Contact: Patrick Gaynes [patrickgaynes@60degreespharma.com](mailto:patrickgaynes@60degreespharma.com) (310) 989-5666

Hi everyone, Late diagnosed female here, asking if anyone else has had a similar experience. I very much got the sense aside from my childhood, where I was surrounded by people who respected me for who I was that my entire existence was there to please the NTs and to fulfill whatever social role, they wanted me to morph into at any moment. For a lot of people who are high maskers you get the sense, which is very similar to that victims of narcissistic abuse get, that absolutely nothing about you matters or is even really acknowledged. The only thing that matters is how well you can form to what the other party wants you into be at a given time, which would not have been so bad if our development did not diverge so profoundly from theirs on so many different levels. You will work yourself to absolute mental collapse, trying to give them what they want and they take for granted everything that you do because it is what you were supposed to be in their eyes.
I see this as a person who has been through an unbelievably horrific decade and a half because of this problem . I started to go into extreme autistic, burn out and shut down in the seventh grade that was so all consuming and horrific, but I lost all ability to communicate with the outside world except through extreme override (like I could speak if I used every bit of my will, but not naturally). I was developing mild psychosis every day, and I couldn’t make sense of my daily life for years and years and years. A few years later, I developed full blown psychosis and was put into a psychiatric facility, which never properly treated it, and then send back out into high school, and then to college with it still untreated. Now after college, it is still untreated. I have a literally spent 15 years of my life staring at a wall, unable to communicate with the outside world and living with mild psychosis from stress sometimes. It would happen in front of my family and they would never noticed it and if I ever bring it up to them, they take offense. I had to manage it alone as a kid and no one was there with me when it happened. I would have to manage it alone as a kid wall adults did whatever they want it in the other room so I got the truly horrific sense that I didn’t matter at all. I would stare at the wall, and they were so oblivious that they would pretend that I was developing normally and make up how they supposedly had conversations with me about life and I was staring at them like that, and stay and take note. They would literally puppet me around and talk about how I was having the high school experience while they made up their fantasies to themselves. Now they want me to have children and get a phd, and can’t seem to wrap their mind around the fact that I was literally stuck like that since I was a kid and didn’t get anything I can do to develop into anything at all.
My entire life is a lie, and I only realized why when I figured out, I was autistic a couple of years ago. They still largely live in your fantasies and they told me that I couldn’t be mad at them. My own parents fucking watch that happened to the kid who they were supposed to be protecting in developing if you could replace say I can’t be mad at them because that happened. If I cry about it because I just can’t live with it they tell me to stop “throwing a pity party “ and that now I’m in a tote responsible for myself. Only I didn’t get anything I ever needed to develop in anyway. My life is literally just be managing it alone is the kid staring at a wall will they make everything up to themselves and believe their own lies. I didn’t even know what high school and college work because I was busy managing psychosis alone since I was 12.
In case any of you think that I’m just here to vent, I have also had a lot of success, reversing this on my own using somatic experiencing that I learned from Irene Lyon on YouTube. From my research, I know that there is very little that is known about autistic burn out especially and how to treat it so I think that my experience would be very helpful for a lot of people here. The techniques are used are based in taking all sensory overload and stress out of the nervous system using body base techniques, and in doing so, I have been able to regain almost every scale, that I lost previously. I can even enjoy Social conversations now (!) and like executive functioning, has improved the point that I can leave the house and clean up regularly. I’m going to leave the links to the Resources. I use here in case anyone else is interested.
Healing, developmental trauma, very applicable to healing, long-term autistic, burn out and one of the best resources I have found: https://youtu.be/GVLS_qL4fVI?si=cF-5L8LLUSK3WIVU
https://youtu.be/m6aHBUkJs9I?si=Yn4dc0jtrB3dqBpF
https://youtu.be/HZRS83l35ac?si=Lxb0HdzStUIhNj8j
https://youtu.be/dUSy4-DLphc?si=kYACjGIFVE7pjd87
Aside from that, I would just really appreciate any words of advice or comfort from any other apies out there. Confronting this is one of the most difficult things that I’ve ever gone through in my life.

EDIT: Mil knows she can't manipulate her way out of this, so she's went nuts. says she's going to check herself into the hospital because in her mind the police can't arrest her if she's inpatient. I don't know if she means a psychiatric hospital or a regular hospital, but she's been told they most certainly can and will just transport her to jail once she's released.
mil has a home care aid and the girl is one of her flying monkeys. As I said in the og post, my niece blocked certain numbers on mils phone and the care woman found a way around it, so now mil had a flip phone. mil also had the care aid snatch niece phone while she was asleep and they tried to break into it. niece woke up, noticed it was missing and charged into the living room demanding it back. niece said the care woman was on the edge of the bed trying to bypass the finger print/ passcode and niece had to physically force the phone away from her.
Mil kept telling niece you must be hiding something if you won't tell us the password. My mil is so stupid. niece said she kept trying to use her finger to unlock it because the care woman told mil it would work with anyone's finger print. niece told mil it had to be set up and scanned in and mil told her to scan it in then. mil told her that the phone was going to go missing. niece told the detective what had happened and he told mil that could be evidence tampering. mil thinks all of this is because of the phone.
Apparently, the detectives from 2010 have also paid her a visit this week because she's still using that poor woman's info she obtained in the 1980s. the woman has lost her car, and almost her home because of this.
mil is crazy, I mean this is the woman who tried to order morphine tablets off the internet and couldn't believe they weren't the real thing. then tried to get her money back. mil has also been arrested for prescription fraud, she told us she had to stay all night for a test in hospital when in reality she'd turned herself in and then bonded herself out. It was nolle prose or whatever it's called.
niece said mil blew a 32 k settlement on buying illegal pills from different people. niece has told me alot, apparently mil abused the funds niece got from Social security where her dad passed away. mil tried to get into niece inheritance from her dad's side but got shut down quickly.
mil is now trying to blame niece boyfriend for this, saying niece never would of filed her taxes if he hadn't of been around. my mil tried to call him and he told her to f off and not call back. mil said she forbids him from seeing niece anymore and he told mil niece can come live with me at any point to get away from you. mil asked him if he thought she was a bad mom and he said bad doesn't even begin to describe it. mil then had some choice words about his mom.
the bf mom had cancer 2x in less than 10 years and mil wanted niece to steal this woman's pain medication because according to mil it's not fair bf mom has meds and she doesn't. of course niece didn't do it. mil has also asked niece to take bf checks or obtain his banking information.
mil has also used the credit card nieces job gave her for personal purchases. that's just come about as it had happened in the middle of all of this, so niece job my have mil charged for theft. I hope so.
SO. this is a burner account, but I have to tell someone this. my family is all bent out of shape because they don't see what MIL DID WRONG, but I do.
My, 53 f, husband's mom is a true narcissistic. she thrives off control and gets very upset if she can't interfere with your life and take it over. she's gotten in the middle of stuff that doesn't concern her so many times.
MIL has raised my husband's niece, the child of his youngest sibling and thank God the girl had enough sense to see what mil was.
Niece turned 18 in January and I know mil was suddenly rushing to get her a replacement social security card and an adult driver's license. You have 6 months from the time you turn 18 to do all of that before the underage permit is no longer good. I thought it was strange and said so, niece is more than capable of doing all of this herself.
The DMV ended up making my Mil leave the appointment because again. niece is an adult. When niece showed me her new license I said something about it being strange mil was in such a hurry.
My mil has a history of using other people's identities including social security numbers to obtain things on credit and write bad checks. She even spent time in prison for it during the early 90s. She used my husband's, my other in- laws, and some of the grandkids. She got angry with me because I wouldn't tell my husband our child's information because I knew he'd eventually give it to her.
Well, niece got a decent job under her apprenticeship and w2 forms came out. I just knew something was about to go down. my niece went to file her taxes and the tax guy told her he couldn't do it because her social security information was flagged. He suggested she see a friend of his to sort it out. Mil went ballistic, saying the tax guy didn't know what he was doing, niece had better let her handle it ect.
Well long story short. niece and her boyfriend went to see this guy and she was four months old when mil started using her info. they have very similar names and it's spent so long attached to mil that when niece tried to file her taxes , the government thought niece was the one committing fraud!.
I was there the night this happened and mil called niece to bring her a burger, I heard niece say you've got bigger problems than wanting a burger and hung up. mil immediately started playing the victim. she called her flying monkeys in preparation for a verbal attack on niece.
When niece came in with her boyfriend, mil immediately started saying niece was trying to set her up, that she hadn't done anything wrong ect.
my niece has concrete proof mil had stolen her identity and once the flying monkeys saw it they took niece side. niece told mil the guy she saw was going to contact the police, that he had too.
mil went ballistic and said we'll I'm going to have your phone turned off then so you can't talk to any of these people to try and put me in jail. niece clapped back, no you aren't because our phones are in my name!!!!. I thought I was going to go to the floor. apparently mil had gotten a phone contract with niece info when she was in the 7th grade. mil did try to have the phone turned off but niece went to the local branch and showed the manager the proof she had and he bent over backwards to help her because one of his employees definitely messed up by not checking the info they were given. so now mil can't get any info about their phone account, niece has blocked certain numbers ect.
both of mil vehicles are also in nieces name, they are paid for, but the police said they are nieces so mil had to hand the keys over. niece Parked them at her boyfriends house and he caught mil trying to take the suv because apparently mil had an extra key she didn't give up. the boyfriend took it from mil and drug her off his property.
the detective said they've been on to mil for years, that when younger, she would go through neighbors mail and take things with information to steal their identity. She'd been using one woman's information since the 1980s, but mil always finds some way to get away with it with no consequences.
in 2010, they chased her through the neighborhood down to the grocery store because mil refused to speak with the detectives that came to talk to her.
she's probably too old now to do anything with but local police said she'd at least be forced to sign an admission of guilt so nieces credit could be cleared.

So it’s a really long story and I’ll try to condense it as much as possible. There was a dv incident with my husband and I. We were both in a really bad place mentally and he was (unbeknownst to him) suffering from ptsd due to being a military police officer. He’s seen some shit. Anyway. This thing happened and he wouldn’t go get help. So I took the kids and left. He almost unalived himself after this because “the monster needed to die” and he couldn’t handle what he did to me. But there was a SMALL part of him that thought to seek treatment. And he did. And he is doing SO much better. All I wanted was for him to get help. It’s a complete 180 and his priorities are in the right place now. He’s been in an inpatient psychiatric hospital for 42 days. I had tried to make a restricted report to FAP and they said it HAD to be unrestricted due to the circumstances. So they started a whole investigation that I didn’t want. And put an MPO in place that I didn’t want. I signed a form basically refusing to cooperate with CID. That I don’t wanna participate in the investigation. And I know when they finally get to speak to him (they could totally drive out to the hospital to interview him there, but nobody can reach CID. Not his case manager at the hospital, or even me) he isn’t going to be saying anything either. So the ONLY evidence that they have is the FAP statement. And MAYBE my statement to CYS (our children were in the home but not harmed). Is this enough to convict him without my or his cooperation? We want to do marriage counseling and individual therapy and work on our marriage and the family unit. He wants to continue treatment. But I also want to be able to start that. Which we can’t do because of the MPO. I have contacted his command requesting to have it removed and they were so rude and uncooperative about it and basically threw it in my face that I wasn’t cooperating with CID so that’s why the investigation hasn’t progressed therefore also why the MPO can’t be lifted. In other words, I’m requesting it to be lifted (due to the lack of danger and his treatment and his diagnosis) but they are telling me I’m the reason it isn’t being lifted bc I am refusing to make a statement. Idk this whole thing is a complete mess and I just want to get on with our lives and start working towards the future. I want him to come home when he gets released from the hospital. Not go to the damn barracks for no reason. Idk guys I just can’t find anything on Google about what evidence they HAVE to have in order to lay charges or get a conviction. This is kind of a weird circumstance. Please if u know anything about this, and also how to make his command lift the MPO (I already submitted an ICE complaint about the way his 1SG hasn’t been communicating and when I reach out he doesn’t respond for 1-2 days. And his responses are rude and dismissive at best. Asked for CDRs contact information and he told me the CDR was recovering from some surgery even though I know there’s an acting CDR when he’s out.) that is essentially unlawful. I KNOW it’s commanders discretion. I don’t need that info. I need ways around it.
Also, I would appreciate if y’all don’t preach about how “he did it once, he will do it again” “leave him” “he won’t change”. I don’t need that. I’m making the decision that is right for my family. I believe in his treatment. TIA.

R.D. Laing and Frantz Fanon both critiqued societal norms and the impact of conventionalism on mental health and social structures. Examining normalcy or conventionalism as a social pathology through their perspectives offers a profound critique of how societal expectations can harm individuals and perpetuate systemic injustices.
R.D. Laing's Perspective
Key Concepts

1. **Social Constructs of Normalcy**:- Laing argued that what is considered "normal" is often a product of social constructs that may not be conducive to genuine mental health. He suggested that conventional societal expectations can be inherently pathological, as they force individuals to conform to roles and behaviors that suppress their true selves.

'The Divided Self'
In his seminal work "The Divided Self," Laing explored the idea that individuals often experience a split between their authentic self and the false self that conforms to societal expectations. This division can lead to existential anxiety and mental distress, as individuals struggle to reconcile their inner experiences with external pressures.
1-Family Dynamics and Societal Pressures: Laing emphasized the role of family and societal pressures in shaping individual pathology. He argued that the family, as a microcosm of society, often enforces conventional norms that can lead to psychological issues. The pressure to conform within the family unit can suppress individuality and foster internal conflicts.
'The Politics of Experience'
The Politics of Experience is a seminal work that critiques conventional understandings of mental illness and explores how societal norms and institutions contribute to psychological suffering. Published in 1967, the book challenges the medical model of psychiatry and argues that what is often labeled as mental illness can be a rational response to a pathological society.

1. Societal Pathology

Laing posits that society itself is pathological and that its norms and values often promote alienation and in-authenticity. He suggests that society imposes a rigid framework on individuals, leading to a disconnection from their true selves and from others. Laing posits that society itself is pathological and that its norms and values often promote alienation and inauthenticity. He suggests that society imposes a rigid framework on individuals, leading to a disconnection from their true selves and from others.
As a Divided Self, Laing explores how individuals experience a split between their authentic self and the false self they present to conform to societal expectations. This division results in existential anxiety and a sense of inner fragmentation.

With Experience and Reality, Laing emphasizes the importance of subjective experience and criticizes the tendency of psychiatry to dismiss the lived experiences of individuals labeled as mentally ill. He argues that these experiences often hold significant meaning and should be understood rather than pathologized.

As far as Psychiatry as Social Control, Laing critiques the role of psychiatry in enforcing social norms and controlling deviant behavior. He argues that psychiatric practices often serve to reinforce societal conformity rather than addressing the underlying causes of psychological distress. This connects with Interpersonal Relationships in shaping mental health. He suggests that genuine, empathetic connections are essential for psychological well-being and that their absence can contribute to mental illness. Thus, the so-called "Sanity and Madness", Laing challenges the dichotomy between sanity and madness, suggesting that what is considered sane behavior is often a response to a fundamentally insane society. He argues that so-called "madness" can be a form of resistance to societal oppression.

"The Politics of Experience" by R.D. Laing provides a profound critique of societal norms and the conventional understanding of mental illness. By highlighting the role of societal pathology, Laing calls for a more empathetic, experience-based approach to mental health that values individual experience and challenges oppressive social structures. His work remains influential in fields such as psychology, sociology, and philosophy, encouraging ongoing dialogue about the intersection of society and mental health.

------------------------------------------

Franz Fanon's Perspective

1. Colonialism and Alienation: Fanon, in works such as "Black Skin, White Masks" and "The Wretched of the Earth," analyzed how colonialism imposes a set of norms and values that alienate the colonized from their own culture and identity. He argued that the enforced conformity to colonial standards creates a deep sense of inferiority and psychological distress among the colonized.
   
2. Cultural Imperialism: Fanon highlighted how cultural imperialism perpetuates the notion that Western norms and values are superior, leading to the internalization of these norms by the colonized. This internalization results in a disconnection from one's heritage and self, causing a form of cultural and psychological pathology.
   
3. Violence and Liberation: Fanon believed that the struggle for liberation from oppressive societal norms often involves violence, as it is a means to reclaim one's identity and agency. He viewed this struggle as necessary to break free from the pathological effects of colonialism and conventionalism.
   

Normalcy or Conventionalism as a Social Pathology
The shared Themes in Laing and Fanon

1. Imposed Norms and Identity Crisis: Both Laing and Fanon critiqued how imposed societal norms create a crisis of identity. For Laing, this is evident in the split self within a Western context, while for Fanon, it manifests in the alienation experienced by colonized individuals.
   
2. Psychological Distress and Conformity: They agree that conformity to oppressive norms leads to significant psychological distress. Laing discusses this in terms of mental health and existential anxiety, whereas Fanon focuses on the cultural and psychological alienation resulting from colonialism.
   
3. Liberation Through Authenticity: Both theorists advocate for a form of liberation through the reclaiming of one's authentic self. Laing suggests this through therapeutic means and breaking free from societal expectations, while Fanon sees this through revolutionary action and cultural reclamation.
   

Implications for Understanding Social Pathology

1. Mental Health: Viewing normalcy as a social pathology implies that what is often deemed mentally healthy or normal by societal standards may actually be harmful. True mental health involves authenticity and freedom from oppressive norms.
   
2. Cultural and Social Liberation: Social pathology, according to this perspective, requires not just individual therapy but broader social and cultural changes. This involves challenging and dismantling harmful norms and systems of oppression.
   
3. Systemic Critique: Both Laing and Fanon's critiques suggest that to address social pathology, one must examine and challenge the systems and structures that enforce conformity and suppress individuality.
   

Conclusion
Analyzing normalcy or conventionalism as a social pathology through the lenses of R.D. Laing and Frantz Fanon reveals deep insights into how societal norms can harm individuals and perpetuate systemic injustice. Both theorists underscore the importance of authenticity, liberation, and the critical examination of societal structures in fostering genuine mental health and social well-being. By challenging oppressive norms and embracing diverse, authentic identities, societies can work towards healing the social pathologies identified by Laing and Fanon.

Hi everyone this is my first Reddit post and I apologize if this is a lot to read !
I (19F) and my friend (19 or 20F) have been friends since the beginning of this year. We had met off TikTok and formed a girls’ support group to help each other. Her and I got close and became close friends. We would share what was going on in our lives and give advice to each other. Until this one moment happened. She was in a new relationship and she had dated her ex, let’s call him K, K and her dated for two months. K and her would run into a lot of issues and I would tell her to leave the relationship or try to be understanding of him. She never listened to me and kept doing toxic things like messaging off fake numbers or fake accounts on social media, assuming that K would be messing with other girls, act on impulse, and even went on other dates while dating him.
For context about that situation, she would tell me he would always call her even when he hung out with his friends, introduce everyone to her, and they are a long distance relationship. I tried helping but all I can do is give my advice. Then one situation changed everything, it changed how I viewed her completely. On this particular day, she had asked me to call her to rant about K. They had broken up at this point but barely remained in contact. In the call I noticed she was not her normal self, she seemed unhinged and on edge. She told me that she is hurt because she thinks that K is messing with other girls physically, and told me that she went to a psychic and that’s what they told her. I was shocked because it seems outrageous to me. I told her don’t believe the psychic and that they are broken up, he is free to do whatever he wants. She got really weird and kept saying “That is my dck! That is my dck!” then she proceeds to tell me what she is gonna do to get his attention back, fake a pregnancy. Thankfully I talked her out of it, but it shocked me a lot when she told me she was going to do that.
Later that day, I noticed her instagram was deactivated and asked her if she did do that. She said yes but then tells me something out of the blue. She told me she wanted to end her life because they are not together. I am pretty sure more things were going on in her life, but that was the main issue. I kept trying to talk her out of it but she wouldn’t listen to me so I decided to contact her IRL friends and her ex cause I had no one to go to (FYI, I never told her I contacted her ex).
The next day, I got a message coming from her saying that this is “her sister” and my friend is currently at the hospital. I didn’t believe her at all in that moment (FYI, I have pretended to be her sister before to her ex cause I was trying to support her as a friend). For context, my friend had a habit of pretending to be other people to get information out of them. After that whole thing, I told my friend I needed space. The next day she posted on social media like nothing happened in less than 24 hrs.
Fast forward a week later, I posted an instagram note talking about a drink, my friend randomly messaged me and asked if I it was about my bf? I responded only “no” and left it there. Then my friend sends me a paragraph telling me I’ve been acting weird and that I should just unfollow her. I told her my take of the situation and she called me insensitive towards her feelings which I admit is not wrong. I don’t know to me it seems very excessive to act and feel that way over a guy she dated for two months. Then I told her I messaged her ex, she switched and thought I wanted to date her ex. I don’t he is not my type. I felt kind of hurt about that cause all I have done is be good to her and give her my advice, nothing more. She kept messaging me and eventually I blocked her on Instagram because I had enough with her going in circles.
Then she messages me on iMessage, explaining more, I blocked her there and Snapchat. I thought i had removed her but then she reactivated her TikTok account (FYI, she deactivated it before), just to message me and call me a lot of names. I blocked her there too. I was over the situation until I found out she messaged the entire girls groupchat and spread lies about me so I made a separate groupchat with them sharing all screenshots of our convos.
There is a lot more to this situation but to sum up, I found out more lies she told me, we argued, hurtful things were said and my point is how can I believe her if she told everyone only part of the situation and not in full detail? Here are also other reasons why I think she is not telling the truth, 1) her story doesn’t make sense to me logically, 2) if she actually ended up in the hospital, wouldn’t she be put on psychiatric evaluation or observation? 3) she doesn’t explain or show proof about the situation, she just tells me its weird and disrespectful to ask her. 4) the way the messages were from the “sister” sounds exactly like her, my logic is if she lied about me being her sister, she is capable of lying to me about this situation too. 5) everything she says is vague and is with “maybe I am or not” “You don’t know that”. AITA? Any advice would help as well.

A little back story about my situation, I do have Bipolar disorder, my first maniac episode was on 2019 got admitted in an psychiatric ward for 30 days and took medicine for additional 15 days after that no more episodes were experienced everything was under control. What happened now ? At present (2024) I was working in an saas based startup company as customer success specialist, during my appraisal cycle my second maniac episode started and I wrote rubbish on my review form and sent resignation letter to my CEO also handed over company's asset's to an colleague stating I'm no longer willing to work. Again I was not under control and my family suspected my behavior changes and got to know that I'm experiencing manic episode and admitted me in psychiatric ward for 15 days + psychiatrist prescribed me medicines for 15 more days also requested not to attend interviews or jobs. My fear here is I'm now considered abscond from my previous organization which is actually true but again it's due to my illness. I don't have experience letter from the company. All I have is last three months of payslip and offer letter from my ex-company, will this be acceptable in my future job hunt and can i disclose the information to my future employer that I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder ? Experienced folks kindly suggest me ways that I can secure a job without experience letter.