GitHub
Overview
Youtube video (v0.9, made by a user)
User manual

v0.12 update notes

New features: - Docker installation and update process has been improved. It does not require git and chmod commands anymore (except once for already existing users). - Added book length to the library list view. - Added word inflections table for Japanese. - Added text to speech option for the text reader. - Added bottom sheet vocabulary for mobile view. - Added progressive web app support. Now users can use LinguaCafe as a full screen mobile app. - Added font type management system.
Bug fixes: - Added missing kanji images. Now users can see the kanji stroke order and writing animation on the kanji info pages. - Book word counts now update after importing something. - Hover vocabulary now disappears when the user moves their mouse pointer to empty space. - Importing texts now skips too long words instead of throwing an error. - Importing dictionaries now skips records that contain a word or a definition that is too long instead of throwing an error. - Fixed highlighted word colors that were displayed incorrectly at several places. - Interactive text is not selectable anymore on the review page natively like other texts in the browser. - Previous example sentences are not visible anymore on the review page while the new one is loading. - Users cannot open a chapter in the text reader anymore that does not belong to their selected language. - JMDict's source language is not editable anymore. - Copying a selected word with ctrl+c won't set the word's level to new anymore. - It is now impossible to create a phrase without any words, which would corrupt the database. - Fixed light theme's warning color, because it was too yellow and lacking in contrast. For devices that already opened LinguaCafe, users must click on the reset color button to update it. - Fixed plain text mode copy-paste in Firefox. - Symbols won't be combined anymore with words in Japanese. This only applies to texts that are imported after this update. - Fixed a bug that caused text importing to fail in Japanese, if the last word was combined with the previous word during post processing. - Polish language had a font type that displayed incorrect letters.
Other changes: - The import dialog won't close by itself anymore after importing has finished. - Laravel now produces more detailed logs, and logs both to the log file and the docker terminal.

Hi!
LinguaCafe is a self-hosted software that helps language learners read foreign languages and acquire vocabulary. It provides a set of tools to read texts, look up unknown words and review them later as effortlessly as possible.
GitHub
Overview
Youtube video (v0.9, made by a user)
User manual

v0.12 update notes

New features: - Docker installation and update process has been improved. It does not require git and chmod commands anymore (except once for already existing users). - Added book length to the library list view. - Added word inflections table for Japanese. - Added text to speech option for the text reader. - Added bottom sheet vocabulary for mobile view. - Added progressive web app support. Now users can use LinguaCafe as a full screen mobile app. - Added font type management system.
Bug fixes: - Added missing kanji images. Now users can see the kanji stroke order and writing animation on the kanji info pages. - Book word counts now update after importing something. - Hover vocabulary now disappears when the user moves their mouse pointer to empty space. - Importing texts now skips too long words instead of throwing an error. - Importing dictionaries now skips records that contain a word or a definition that is too long instead of throwing an error. - Fixed highlighted word colors that were displayed incorrectly at several places. - Interactive text is not selectable anymore on the review page natively like other texts in the browser. - Previous example sentences are not visible anymore on the review page while the new one is loading. - Users cannot open a chapter in the text reader anymore that does not belong to their selected language. - JMDict's source language is not editable anymore. - Copying a selected word with ctrl+c won't set the word's level to new anymore. - It is now impossible to create a phrase without any words, which would corrupt the database. - Fixed light theme's warning color, because it was too yellow and lacking in contrast. For devices that already opened LinguaCafe, users must click on the reset color button to update it. - Fixed plain text mode copy-paste in Firefox. - Symbols won't be combined anymore with words in Japanese. This only applies to texts that are imported after this update. - Fixed a bug that caused text importing to fail in Japanese, if the last word was combined with the previous word during post processing. - Polish language had a font type that displayed incorrect letters.
Other changes: - Disabled Thai import options temporarily, because they did not work. Will fix and re-enable them in v0.13. Users can still use it by manually importing text. - The import dialog won't close by itself anymore after importing has finished. - Laravel now produces more detailed logs, and logs both to the log file and the docker terminal.

Reddit Account: u/Jon_Reid
Discord Tag: roylion44
Name and House: Damon Manderly
Age: 34 Cultural Group: Andal
Appearance: Damon has dark long shoulder length hair, a full beard and dark eyes. Tall, broad shouldered and muscular, the Lord of White Harbor is often seen in his dark armor and a trident as his staff of office. :max_bytes(150000):strip_icc():format(webp)/jason-momoa_0-da8e73e0459d48ba92735e84d4aa4fea.jpg)
Trait: Mariner
Skill(s): Admiral, Merchantman (e), Architect, Avaricious
Talent(s): Swimming, Play (Lute), Navigation
Negative Trait(s):
Starting Title(s): Lord of White Harbor, Warden of the White Knife, Shield of the Faith, Defender of the Dispossessed, Lord Marshal of the Mander, Knight of the Order of the Green Hand, Knight of the Order of the White Hand.
Starting Location: Opening Event
Alternate Characters: N/A

AC

Name and House: Alaric Manderly
Age: 22
Cultural Group: Andal
Appearance: A younger version of his elder brother with dark hair and closely cropped beard.
Trait: Inspiring
Skill(s): Vanguard (e), Ambusher
Talent(s): Heraldry, Hawking, Horse riding
Negative Trait(s):
Starting Title(s): Ser, Knight of the Order of the White Hand.
Starting Location: White Harbor
Alternate Characters: NA

Archetypes
Wyman Manderly (uncle) - Castellan
Desmond Manderly (uncle) – Master-at-Arms

Biography

Lord Damon Manderly was born in 9 BC, the eldest born son of Lord Medgar Manderly and Iolande Ashford, the widow of Ser Torgen Tallheart and the mother of two small sons. At some point after her husband’s death Iolande returned to her parents’ home in Ashford, a rather impoverished widow and berefit of financial support for her two young sons. Iolande petitioned Medgar’s friend Lord Torrhen Stark of Winterfell for help in working out her financial plight. Lord Stark sent his friend Medgar the Lord of White Harnbor to investigate and the two fell in love and married in 10 BC, a year before Damon was born.
The birth of Damon was followed by that his younger brother Daron two years later in 7 BC during which his mother died in childbirth. In 2 BC when Damon was seven years old, he was sent to be fostered in Winterfell while his brother Deron was sent to the family of their grandmother - the Ashfords.
Damon was raised in the court of Lord Torrhen becoming familiar with the culture, education, and institutions of his host and making friends with the grandsons of Torrhen Stark who was of age. One of those was his cousin Rickard Snow, the son of Eddard Snow, one of the bastards of Lord Torrhen who had married his father’s younger sister Margaery Manderly.
In 5 AC when Damon was fourteen and still a squire, Torrhen Stark bent the knee to Aegon the Conqueror. The resulting rebellion called The Son’s War - a rebellion in the North against the surrender of Torrhen Stark. Led by the Heir to House Bolton, thousands of angry Northmen are crushed in battle by Torrhen Stark. Several of the defeated members flee east to form the Company of the Rose, including Eddard Snow and his son Rickard.
In 9 AC Damon was knighted by Torrhen Stark, as per his father Lord Medgar’s request, but despite this Damon, as his father’s heir, remained at Winterfell. His father, who had remarried to Myrcella Waynwood of the Vale by then had many more sons, and hence made no overtures for his oldest two sons to return. Instead, Eddard, the eldest paternal half-brother of Damon, egged on by the support of his father’s second wife Myrcella, had been designated by Lord Medgar as heir to White Harbor, in his absence. Despite Lord Mefgar’s violating of the laws of inheritance, Lord Torrhen chose not pursue the matter for the moment.
Damon notably chose to stay with his foster family, partly due to the influence of his raising at the court of Torrhen Stark and partly for the opportunity it would present to advance his career, though he may always have had in mind that one day he would become White Harbor’s lord, like his father and grandfather. To that end he developed an interest in architecture. Lord Torrhen assigned him to his team of engineers who were responsible for maintain Winterfell’s fortifications and other structures. (Architect). At the same time Damon’s work in this area developed his aptitude for driving a hard bargain (Avaricious) in negotiation.
In 14 AC, when Damon was 23 years old, Lord Torrhen Stark was overthrown and assassinated, after he informed his children of his intent to back one of the Dragon Queens. Damon’s father Lord Medgar, suspecting foul play from one or more of the Stark siblings loudly called for justice for the late lord, a close personal friend of his, prompting Damon to fear that he was no longer welcome in Winterfell.
The next year, Lord Regent Orys Baratheon called a grand hunt in the Kingswood. For the first time in many years Damon met his father Lord Medgar, his full brother Daron and his younger half-brothers and sisters when the Mandely family accompanied the new Lord Alaric south. The grand hunt would end in disaster as bandits would descend upon the hunting parties and kill or carry off many nobles. One of the victims was Damon’s brother Daron. The disaster in the Kingswood would eventually lead to most of the Starks returning to Winterfell but Lord Alaric remained along with Damon himself in order to exact revenge on the bandits.
As a youngster, Damon had always had an aptitude for the sea, something he had missed with his time in inland Winterfell. (Mariner) Now with his journey south first to White Harbor and then travelling by sea to Kings Landing he rediscovered his youthful passion. He began spending his time down at the docks in Kings Landing and much of his time on some of the warships of the royal fleet. He found that he had a natural aptitude for naval manoeuvres and over the next few years he commanded a small contingent of royal ships, refining and improving these skills (Admiral).
In 23 AC, Lord Medgar and his eldest son by his second wife and designated heir Eddard Manderly, a young man of 23 years old, were ambushed by crannogmen when they went to investigate the ruins of Moat Cailin. Medgar was killed and Eddard was mortally wounded in the same fight and died some days later. Medgar’s other sons 22 year old Emmon and 19 year old Edgar managed to escape the crannogmen and with the help of retainers and Lord Medgar’s brother Desmond returned safely to White Harbor.
A power struggle for the control of White Harbor now ensued. Lord Medgar’s younger brother Desmond Manderly took the opportunity to seize White Harbor attempting with Lord Medgar’s widow Lady Myrcella to make young Emmon Manderly the new lord of White Harbor with himself and his sister-by-law as regents and ruler. His father’s death allowed Damon, as Lord Medgar’s eldest son to lay claim to White Harbor attempting to depose his uncle. Concerned about the growing power of White Harbor Lord Alaric, now serving as the realm’s Master of Laws in exchange for an oath of fealty to his person, Lord Alaric publicly invested Damon Manderly as Lord of White Harbor. Lord Stark placed Damon in charge of a force with the task of securing his claim. Defeating his uncle in a pitched battle, Damon deposed and imprisoned his half-brother Emmon, his uncle Desmond and his sister-by-law. Not wishing to kill his younger brother and uncle, Damon kept Desmond in close but comfortable confinement at White Harbor, while Emmon, (now effectively his heir) was exiled, so as not to be tempted to make another attempt on ruling White Harbor. Emmon went to King Landing south where he was stabbed to death in a brawl in Flea Bottom by a Westerlands knight of House Clifton. Shortly after the Lady Myrcella died of illness, but some say of grief and despair at the loss of her husband and two eldest sons.
Since his elevation to the Lord of White Harbor, two years ago, Damon has made concerted efforts to further develop White Harbor’s trade links. A trade fleet has been constructed and Damon has sent out feelers to some of the city states of Essos (Merchantman), in particular Braavos. Seeking further links Damon has now travelled south to Kings Landing for the princes’ 18^th name day celebrations.
Timeline

• 9 BC – Damon is born the eldest son of Lord Medgar and his first wife Iolande Ashford.
• 7 BC – Damon’s younger full brother Daron is born, but their mother dies in childbirth.
• 2 BC – Damon is fostered at Winterfell while his brother Daron is fostered with his mother’s family.
• 1 AC – Lord Medgar marries Myrcella Waynwood. Their eldest son Eddard (Damon’s eldest half brother) is born the same year.
• 2 AC - Emmon Manderly is born.
• 3 AC – Alaric Manderly is born.
• 4 AC – Edgar Manderly is born.
• 5 AC – Torrhen Stark bends the knee to Aegon the Conqueror.
• 6 AC – Ellyn Manderly is born.
• 8 AC – Alesander Manderly is born.
• 9 AC – Damon is knighted at the age of 18.
• 12 AC – Mara Manderly is born.
• 14 AC – Daven Manderly is born. Torrhen Stark is assassinated.
• 15 AC – Damon’s father Medgar is present at King’s landing for the great hunt. Bandits attack and kill many including Damon’s 21 year old brother Daron Manderly.
• 23 AC – Lord Medgar Manderly and his eldest son by his second wife Eddard are killed in battle against the crannogmen near Moat Cailin. Damon;s younger half brother Emmon Manderly and his uncle Desmond claim White Harbor, but are defeated by Damon and men leant to him by Alaric Stark. Desmond places under house arrest and Emmon is exiled.
• 24 AC – Emmon Manderly dies in a knife fight in Kings Landing against a knight of House Clifton.
• 25 AC – Damon travels to King Landing for the 18^th name day of the Targaryen princes.

Family Tree – 25 AC

Here

Asalamualikum everyone. I hope you are all having a wonderful day. I have been following this subreddit for some while now (without actually having a Reddit account). Finally decided to make a Reddit account too, and I just need some help with what I am going through because I am indeed confused.
I 21M, have been talking to this potential 21F for the past 4 months now, things are going well and both have let parents know about each other, I have mentioned Nikkah to my parents and she has mentioned it to her parents too. Parents on both sides are a bit hesitant and saying we are a bit too young and are yet to get done with exams and all but they aren't completely opposed to the idea.
She is a beautiful girl, very intelligent and mature too. A few things I really like about her are that she is very responsible (takes care of her home alone and studies too) and caring, and actually respects all the boundaries I have set for our communication (she is foreign and for her shaking hands and even hugging is normal, but Ive told her I don't do that because its Haram and since then shes stopped doing it with other guys too like she used to just because its Haram to). Another thing is that she barely gossips or backbites and is always willing to communicate and talk through any issue. AND listens to understand rather than just answer. Honesty, respect, never playing the victim card when they’re in the wrong and taking accountability and willingness to better themselves are some other things I really liked about her. During the past 2 months life has not been easy for me but she has always trusted me and has believed in me and stayed with me even though she could have chosen to leave. She always mentions that she is really impressed by my character and has admitted that she's fallen in love with me being respectful, gentle, calm and that has made her feel safe and secure and apparently feminine too. I like that because she did not look into wealth, grades, beauty, and all as these things may fade away some day but prioritized character over everything which always stays. Prioritizing character also shows that she values the same things for herself too and is always working to be a good person. She also compliments me (prob a lot more than I do) and takes initiative and shows that she is interested too, rather than me just doing all the chasing. I myself am sometimes surprised that how and why does someone likes me this much when I am probably in one of the worst places I have been in life personally. She also tries to learn new things, and to improve herself religiously, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Shes also very trust worthy and has kept secrets really well and advised me in those matters to the best of her ability. Also she has interrupted a good conversation because its time for salaah multiple times, and once she met me with her sister and it was time for Maghrib prayer, so she told me to go offer salah even though her sister continuously insisted that I should OFFER IT LATER AS QAZAA with ISHA.
With that being said what actually bothers me is that there's A VERY EVIDENT difference between how practicing we both are, like for me Islam is the number 1 priority, and ALTHOUGH I am not perfect myself and commit a lot of sins and even sometimes struggle with whats fardh I STILL VALUE AND PRACTISE a lot more than she does. She however says she's been learning and I inspire her to learn more about Islam (she always mentions that I am willing to change everything for you), I dont want her to change for because of me tho I WANT HER TO DO THINGS FOR ALLAH SWT. Like for e.g she got to know that having male friends is not okay, but she still keeps contact with them and interacts very freely with other males too, and once asked me if its okay to go out with male friends alone, and I said Islamically it isnt. So she did not listen to that, but just said I would not go because if you went out alone with female friends (which I would never btw, Ive never had female friends ever) I would be jealous, so I expect you to be jealous too if i go out so I wont go. And there I felt like she did this not because its Haram but because I may feel bad. Other than that her family is also very anti-Islam, like she realized its fardh to wear hijab and I was soo happy about it too, I mean I never told her to but she said she found out its Fardh so she would do that and even did for 1-2 days but when her mom got to know, she forced her to remove it and not wear it again. So these are some things that are confusing me because for me its simple, YOU GOTTA DO WHAT Allah has commanded and even if you like it or not you should be doing it because selectively choosing parts of religion is not okay, which she tends to do a lot. Male friends, and interacting with males soo freely is also something that worries me, Ive gone through this reddit and everyones mentioned that it is a red flag. She says she will cut contact will all of them after nikkah but it makes no sense to me that IF YOU HAVE SET A TIME to end that friendship than why does it exist in first place. Me personally I have never had any female friends, and always interact with the opposite gender respectfully so theres a mismatch there too. And other than that I feel like theres some mismatch in values and morals too, and I dont think people change and you got to accept them for who they are right now, but she says shes changed so much since last year and since meeting me (which idk what to do about) and that she will be willing to change anything for me. But SHES BEEN BROUGHT UP in an anti-islamic family and always been told to keep religion away and its a personal thing, how can she change all what has been taught to her. And I dont think it is fun to teach someone your values and morals and what you think about every other thing, you just expect them to have a similar thinking to you (maybe im wrong here, but that sounds too taxing to me and from what ive seen on this sub reddit a human wanting to control someone’s behaviour and way of thinking is a MASSIVE red flag, so I dont want to be that RED FLAG). Their family is also a lot different to mine too, mines a lot more conservative and theirs is a lot more on the liberal side and I think that could be a problem too maybe in the future, and like when discussing the marriage ceremony I told her that my family would not prefer a mixed free gathering, instead we always have a segregated gathering however family members can be together, to which she said her family would probably not like that and she too would not want a seperate gathering. So its just some things like these that have been making me think over things. She also thinks that i am a bit too overprotective and resitrictive AND IVE never even been that way, I just act like how I normally do.
I dont want to have a long talking stage with a potential, since I think its not the best of things to do, shes the first girl I have EVER talked to with the intentions of nikkah and she says I am the first guy she has talked to who is actually willing to take this initiative too. I just want to decide what to do about this because I dont want to fall in any kind of haram, or do anything wrong/unjust, and neither do I want a LONGG TALKING STAGE (i mean 4 months is already a lot imo). I would be really happy if you people could suggest what should I be doing in this situation, and maybe suggest some questions or topics that I should be talking to her about to clarify things and to know more about who she actually is rather than who she is willing to be in the future. Also any advice related to this situation will BE VERYY HELPFUL THANK YOUUUU. JazakAllah, May Allah bless all you youu. Ameen

I(F38) She(F40) we've been dating since November. We are long distance. When we started talking everything was ok. We talked every single day, texted all day, video chat etc. Them around Christmas and New years I started not hearing from her as much. She took her kids traveling for one of their birthdays. In January I got to see her for two days. In those two days we pretty much spent all day with her, her sister, and her wife. She stayed at the hotel with me. After the visit I didn't from her for almost week not talking on the phone. I sent her a long text stating I wanted her to be honest with me because it seem like she was slowly ghosting me and stringing me along and not being serious about me. She immediately responded and said that wasnt the case that's she just been busy with work and she starts telling me about the navy. She apologized and said she promise to do better.
She starts doing a little better then she starts slacking off again. She barely calls me or text me. I will see get on Facebook before she calls or text me. She be on tik tok. There was a time I use to can see when the last time she was on there she literally turned that feature off. I always have to call her or text her. Then when I text her she takes all day to respond. She knows what time I start and get off work. She knows what days I'm off.
This week she was suppose to come to see me on Wednesday. She never called me. I only received a text from her saying she was at the airport. If you work for the airline they have this system called buddy passes( To me it's not worth it)where you get to fly for free locally. The only thing is you have to wait if seats are available after everybody that has paid get their seats. She tells me she was on the plane and got kicked off that was at 10:32. I still didn't hear from her all day. Mind you I got off work early and paid for a hotel. Not one time did she call me and tell me what was going on.During this time I see she's been on Facebook. She also has been on tik tok. At 6:32 on my way to the hotel she tells me she's in my and that she has to rent a car and drive back to Philly. No call and no text after that. When I called around 9 she didn't pick up. She told me that she just made it home and she's dealing with kids right now and that she would call me. She never called me. I called her the phone ranged and she never picked up.
The next day which is Thursday. I text her but I didn't call her. I'm texting her and still never responds. Later she text me after I asked her if she was ok. She said she was so mad about yesterday and how she really want to see me. Then I text her if she's ok what's wrong. She says no that she's in her feelings and wanted to see me. I still don't hear from her. When I text her telling her I'm not mad at her. She text back saying she on flight. When I get home I tell her I made it home. I then tell her that I really wanted to talk to her tonight and that I was gonna call her when she's at her second job. Again my mom knows about her suppose to come to see me now it's looking like she's lying about shit. My mom has no idea we've been having issues as far as her not communicating. My mom believes long distance never work so I didn't tell her what was going on. She is literally proving my mom right. She is having doubt about us strictly because this situation happened. Not one time did she call me and ask if it was ok. The two ppl that asked if I was ok was my mom and my bestfriend. I can hear the concern in my mom's voice because I spent money on a hotel and left work early because of her. My bestfriend thinks she's lying about shit. When we talked she literally told me the times it shows active on Facebook sometimes she doesn't be on. I investigated that and it's true sometimes. But her case I feel that's not true for her. When she she's not on Facebook and she's sleep it say she has was active 7 hours ago. The things I have asked her she's been truthful. I know where she works. I know where she lives. I've met her family. She has told me personal shit that if anybody wanted to use her they would quickly run with it. Somebody with no good intentions will try to use her because the things she do to be stable. She has a very good job, owns her home. The only reason she's been so open is because she never has worry about being with her because of what she has because I have my own everything. So what she tells me doesn't matter. I know there's trust when it comes to that. Like I am in love with her. I tell her how much I love her everyday. We are not official yet. I even told her in the beginning I don't want my time wasted. Recently I asked when she gonna be my gf and she's gonna have me waiting forever. She told me "not forever' so I left it alone after that. When we talk we talk about all other things except about me and her.
At night when she's at her second job, I called 3 separate times she never picked up. I texted her she never respond back. At this point I am very unhappy. Wednesday when she was suppose to visit she was on Facebook. I always have to call her. She never send me a good night text. I buy her lunch sometimes. In the beginning she bought me lunch and sent flowers and candy to my job. She bought something for me for Christmas and she gave it to me when I saw her in January. Since then I haven't received any gifts from her, no letters, etc. About two weeks ago she asked if she can buy me lunch I said yes. That was it. Last time we really talked on the phone was at 12:00 am on her birthday of May 8. When she say she'll call me she never calls and I stay up late waiting on her call. She knows damn well I have to get up early for work. But No she never calls. Since then we haven't talked. Not one time did she apologize or call to see if I was ok. I even sent her a text asking why is she not answering my calls or text. No response. I've decided that today I will not contact her at all. Again I am not sure what to do at this point. What would you do?

1. Get a new job.
2. Tell management she is chatty and request my own office maybe or space?
3. Talk to the colleague that hired me and explain why I'm leaving and express if this toxic person leaves I would come back.

Context:
I have the best job in the world. Literally any incentive you can think of is met (they pay for botox, flights, adopting a baby type of incentive), amazing boss and coworkers.
One catch...the person I work the closest with and am expected to manage in the near future is truly awful. Constantly slacking off, unprofessional, always sick, always crying loudly when they have work (I.e. asked to mail a letter or google something), or swearing and berating someone loudly when they catch them in a mistake, talks about sex, drugs, and drinking openly, etc. I do her job for her. I sit beside them and everyone else has offices. There is no escape.
I didn't deal with her the first year much because she was on stress leave, worked from home a lot and when she returned called in sick a lot. However this year they are cracking down on absences and wfh so she's in all the time and they have approached me to manage her and train. I also got a bonus with the description "thank you for dealing with X coworker" it was sizeable...
I was about to bring it up with my manager after two years of dealing with this but today I saw that the one other person that has shared my views is about to be fired because he raised then about her. This guy has a career in HR as well. He was calling her out very professionally and rightly so and this toxic coworker ended up lying to my boss saying this guy was insulting my boss which was insane. So now my boss obviously hates him and anytime my coworker complains it fuels my boss. I've tried to put my two cents in nicely but I can see my boss has made her mind.
We are out of office space so senior managers are sitting in cubicles which means a regular schmuck like me won't get an office even if they had space and I know they would accommodate if this wasn't the case which would solve 90% of my problems. I've worked with difficult people before but the thing is I have no work around here.
I do have a lot of job interviews and offers (six in the last month) so I know there's options but of course this being my dream job I know I'm going to have to let go of some things. I know even if there's bad coworkers as there are anywhere I can negotiate a office from the start or determine how big the team is. When I was hired here they said there was no team just me and this girl.

Hi guys , i am new to this community and there is something that has been troubling me for so long.
I am from india and i am 19F . I struggled so much thinking about this. i desperately need your help.
sooo there is a guy that i had a crush on from 4th grade. then the feelings i had for him grew even stronger from eighth grade onwards till now. It entirely became unrequited by 12th grade. i tried avoiding him but i wasn't able to . he came to school by his bicycle and i would often get the chance to see him cycling, and god he is soo handsome doing that. he is tall, pale, wears glasses, has beautiful black eyes, his eyebrows are bushy .he has long , beautiful fingers and great hair too.
whenever classes end i would always look for him in the subtle ways. he was shy and he maintained a low profile at school. not really active on social media either. BUT
he never looked at me the way i looked at him . he looked away whenever he noticed that i saw him cycling his way home. gave me mixed signs. never ever talked to me and i didn't either. i last saw him at my high school graduation . i did not look back at him.
our school was very conservative and so are our parents. girls aren't supposed to talk with boys alone at all .the reason i ask for the internet to help is simply that MY parents don't like that.
the minute they know that i have feelings for a boy they will kill me. it is not really comfortable to talk about that either to them at all. my mom told me that these feelings are normal but you will have to avoid them at all costs. it is hard to talk to indian parents about love. they hate it when kids go against their rules regarding love or marriage. well in my family love marriage is a one way ticket to heaven. parents will disown you for life. I am talking about strict parents like mine here. i really wish there was someone to talk about this.
i realized that it was limerence. i still have thoughts, dreams about him quite often. it hurts my feelings that he didn't realize my feelings. it hurts that he may have looked down on me. it hurts that he ignored me and that i felt insecure with him.
even though i have feelings for him, i want to move on and heal . i want to unlove him . idek what to do anymore. i feel like crying. i feel as if it is unhealthy for me to obsess over someone who didn't even care about my existence. i really want to let go of him , to actually let go of this guy whom i was not with physically or mentally.
the question is: is it the right thing to let him go? will i ever meet someone who will love me back? will I be able to love someone even more than my crush?
thx for reading stay safe out there loves bye
tl;dr: this is all about my unrequited love that needs help.

This sound bad I know. But lately I’m feeling super distance in this, I 19F was born in the church and from birth till 11 I loved church but ever since being in young women I’ve began to dislike. This is mostly because of people around me, I had no friends, teacher just made me so uncomfortable and every time they do camp, they always told me to think about and force me to go no matter how hard I told them I don’t want to go. I have never felt so alone.
I did have some good time in young women it only lasted 9 months before boundary has change and I was ended up in a new ward with no one I knew. I’m know in relief society but i don’t fit in, the only reason why I keep going is for my family because I was made to. I never wanted to go to class (second hour) and people always keep asking my parents why I never go to class which my parents can never found a answer for, they would keep ask me to go to class but even if I did, I would be on my phone. I do believe in jesus and everything, I just don’t like people around me thinks being a member is their entire personality and they are trying to make me have the same feeling as them. So my parents and other members are pushing me away from church.
My family have always told me that I have to marry someone that’s a member, I have a boyfriend of 1 year and he isn’t a member, he’s a atheist. I introduce him to them and they did like him great and think he’s a good boyfriend and a husband one day but they making him become members of the church and making us to get married in the temple, I understand why they want us to get married in the temple because we will be together in the spiritual world but making my boyfriend go to church is not the way to go. I feel really bad because it had made us argue a lot because of it because he doesn’t want to go to church (I don’t to) but I keep begging him just so my parents would like him which is kinda why I don’t like church because my parents said he has to go to church or we are to remain as friend and not get married.
I remember one time I wanted to go formal (prom in America) but I wasn’t allowed to have the dress I wanted because it didn’t fit the church standards which I feel like it’s so out of date and it took me months to convince my parents to let me but it definitely took a toll in our relationship..
I’m not sure if I want to leave church because I just hate it or I want to leave to spite my family but overall I just don’t want to go anymore….
P.s I’m ranting but even thought I’m calm I still feel the same and it sounds messy but yeah… please don’t hate me because I don’t want to be a member anymore….

Big rant alert
I love my mom a lot, I don’t hate her and I don’t think she’s inherently a bad person. Honestly though I have many memories and feelings that make me feel like I was very emotionally neglected. My mom is a victim of many forms of abuse by her adoptive parents, she told me while I was a young age that she wanted kids of her own to create a good family which looking back feels very strange with the context. A bit later, which started when I was again very young she met a guy, I’ll call him Keith, and Keith was very very neglectful towards me. He had kids of his own and therefore he didn’t want to give me more attention than his kids, and he would often see me doing self harm as a young kid like choking myself and hitting myself as funny. He would also yell at me and sometimes would trap me under bed sheets until I couldn’t breathe. I remember one time I was young and had to have a stool to step on to see myself in the bathroom mirror, I stepped on it not knowing our cat had its paws beneath it and the cat screamed. I was horrified and immediately stepped off but Keith was home alone with me and heard it, he immediately opened the bathroom door and yelled at me while I tearfully tried to explain what had happened. My mom did nothing and defended Keith. I also came home with my mom one night to see rose petals and candles all about, Keith came out and was affectionate with my mom, but then proceeded to tell me to stay in my room the entire night, the only reason I came out of my room later was because I had to pee so badly and I was so scared when I did, before i peed I stopped by moms room and asked if it was okay to use the bathroom, keith said yeah as if I was stupid, again my mom did nothing. I longed for a dad figure to be there because my biological dad (let’s call him Kyle) left when I was about two and I had a very limited relationship with him. My mom forced me to call him every week even when I would beg not to and after each phone call to him I’d be devastated for days. Later on when I was about nine years old my mom, although very estranged from Keith, got with him for a bit and had a kid, my baby brother (I’ll call him D), but Keith didn’t want anything to do with D and I ended up helping with raising him while my mom worked. I love D but he has many special needs and I ended up helping a lot, taking him while my mom felt stressed and would sometimes throw things (which she did with Keith, I have several memories of her throwing stuff like silver ware and keys close to Keith’s face, which six or seven year old me would try to regulate, I’d run after her trying to comfort her). A year later she had my sister (I’ll call her T) and when she told me she was pregnant I cried my eyes out because I was so stressed already with D and I knew my responsibility’s would become more especially since Keith didn’t want anything to do with D and T. I remember we went out with dinner with my grandparents that night after she told me about T and I had to pretend everything was okay especially since my mom didn’t want them knowing. Fast forward a bit and my mom has a new fiancé who was super weird and hated me from the get go. It came to a head when he sent me a text that I didn’t respond to immediately and he stopped talking to me. He even told my mom I was dead to him and she didn’t do anything but relay that to me. She would also tell me everything he disliked about me, one day before school she went on a rant about all the stuff he thought I was doing wrong and was bad about me, and in my first period class other kids were trying to comfort me, even ones I didn’t know, because they saw that I was in such a bad mental state and couldn’t hold it together. They would also have sex loudly in the room next to me, I told her I felt uncomfortable hearing it and she told me to get earplugs even though I was like 13 and couldn’t afford anything. I also tried to tell her I felt like I was third wheeling their relationship like with Keith, she told me to stop talking and walked away. She would also tell me that R hated me and my siblings and often talked about leaving me with them forever. Later on they had a kid together (I’ll call her O) during my sophomore year of high-school. She also has some mental problems and so it was difficult, when she was an infant my mom informed me I wasn’t going to be in physical high school anymore, that she enrolled me in online high school so that I could take care of O throughout the day and pick up D and T when they got out of school. D was in first grade though while T was in kindergarten so I often would help raise O, go and get T and then go back to get D while carrying O and guiding T. I also would have to stand outside and wait for T to get out it kindergarten with other parents while holding O but I was under strict instructions not to let anyone touch O because my mom didn’t want it. Later on I finished high school and went to online community college, while that was happening she met her newest man who is now her husband (let’s call him Ray). Ray is still in her life but again didn’t like me. The first night he was there he told me he was angry with me because in his eyes my mom was doing all the work and I was doing nothing (he first came over when I was with family which I coordinated with my mom but he saw it as I was gone and she had to do everything). Then the patterns began to emerge again, my mom would tell me that Ray would go to her and tell her that he was pissed at me. Not only that but both my mom and Ray would come to me for advice on how to keep their relationship good and I tried to help as best as I knew how. Later on he and my mom had a kid (let’s call him R) and I would have to take care of R and the rest of the kids for hours on end, often being the one to find ways to help him stay calm and feed him. Ray would offer me weed and alcohol often, later which he used against me as a way of being like “I’m giving you things so be grateful”. Later on in that I came out of the closet, my mom was mad at me for it and wouldn’t tell me she loved me for months, she barely acknowledged me and yelled at me. Ray would tell me he was ashamed of me especially for upsetting my mom. He would often tell me I was lazy, irresponsible and dumb. Also after I came out he told me I was unnatural and dumb. Later I was in the early stages of moving out and he literally told me “yeah well if you were actually smart you’d stay here with us” and would also shame me for comforting my siblings after he would yell at them and hit them. He very much prides himself on how he can intimidate people especially me and whenever I spoke up with him he’d sit me down and make me shake. There was one instance where I actually stood my ground a bit and told him “well hey I didn’t back down” and his response was “HA yeah that’s cuz I didn’t force you to back down”. My mom was present at that conversation and completely defended him, even in conversations with her and I she completely defends him all the time. I’ve tried to tell my mom how much Keith, R and ray hurt me and she’d tell me to basically shut up. Especially with Keith because according to her that was in the past and therefore didn’t matter now. I also confronted her about how depressed and suicidal I was when she neglected me after I came out and she said I was responsible for how I felt in that time period. I also couldn’t have mental breakdowns or panic attacks around her because she’d say I was overreacting and dumb for doing so. Despite all of that I still feel like I’m in the wrong, which is why I’m talking about it here, I still feel like I need confirmation that I’m not a horrible kid. In my teen years I was very angry with her after all that happened with Keith and eventually R, I wasn’t the nicest person to her and I feel really guilty about that. So idk, maybe I’m in the wrong here, idk. I just need some clarity ig.

M 17
Hi... Yeah, from the title, I'm not ready. When I hear the name of the uni from my mom or dad, I wanna break down inside my room thinking whatever happens to me if I f*ck things up, first day of classes of 12th Grade, got home and had a breakdown and hurt myself for a bit. Now just a few couple of days I'll be graduating high school...
I don't know what'll happen to me when I step to uni on the first day. Probably something worse than the first day of 12 grade...
I even said to myself and one of my close friends that by the time I turn 18, I might do "it". (Disconnect from life)
I did tell one of my subject teacher about what's going on with me instead of my parents because I fully don't trust them and also have mixed trust with them. She did say that we'll talk but because graduation is near, she's busy handling grades so... I dunno... I wanna message her again, but I'm just afraid and don't have the courage like I always do.
I really dunno why am I like this, unable to do the most basic sh*t like anyone in the world. I really hate myself. I hate you.

Hi, While writing this I'm feeling like not to live anymore I was an average student during school from class 1 to 9 used to score 80% Enjoy my life going to school talking with friends and playing in games period also a lot more fun in computer lab. In class 9 i become so much extrovert and made new friends that affected my studies but i didn't mind nor my parents said anything to me. In class 9 i enjoyed life upto next level like laughing all day in school with friends and going out on Sunday for fun. But as soon as I entered 10 I decided for an academic comeback and aimed to score 95% but I was going school daily and enjoying my school life. In class 10 I scored 90% just studying after coming from school to home. Right now I'm in 11 and preparing for jee through online but one thing I miss right now is my school I love that laughing with my friends. I want to go school but can't go because of jee preparation. Sometimes when I remember my class 9 memories and older than that I feel really sad that I should live this life again with no worries of future just coming from school and watching tv my favourite cartoons. But I know it can't happen again. Can anyone of you suggest me what to do? I've got tears in my eyes while writing this 😭.

He would go on and on about a discontinued pen series that apparently made his handwriting stellar. One day his friend managed to get a set on an overseas travel. He put it in a drawer. It was there for a long time. I had started high school. I needed pens for school - and it was just there in the drawer so I took them.
He came home and went ballistic that his pens were missing. He didn't suspect me because I was "the good child". Mom and sibling took the brunt.
Decades later I'm all grown, I have a full time job and I bought boxes of those pens online for his birthday. His smile was worth it. I suppose we both got healed that day.
That was Confession #1. Confession #2:
I've always looked more wealthy that I let om in various social settings: school, workplace, friendships etc. My parents ensured I had enough to dress to the nines and have nice things to present myself nice to the world. Latest fashion clothes, swankiest shoes, the coolest stationaries (I was the kid with 128 crayon box, scented erasers and pencil cases like Smiggle and cartoon backpacks). So people thought I come from money.
The truth is it is all just that - presentation so kids won't make fun of me or isolate me due to poverty. I found out years later Dad ensured I was able to show off in school like this because he would wear his tattered and raggedy uniforms and shoes to school with no books and stationaries and he was treated poorly by teachers and kids alike. He did not want his kids to endure that humiliation. So he would dress nice to work too and dressed us even better. Sometimes when we find out these things about our parents we understand a lot of things.
Confessions #3: I am extremely depressed and think about offing myself all the time. I always get praised for being chill and funny. Nah mate, I literally walk around like an empty shell of a person with nothing in my heart.

Pregnancy announcement to new employer
Hi all. So I am 25 weeks pregnant ( I’ve had two miscarriages so I’ve always been weary about telling people soon) and got let go of my last job ( long unrelated story) so I have been in search of a new job. I finally got a new job and went through my first interview, I did not mention I was pregnant. This job is remote after this first month of training. Because I am in need of the money and the job is remote I am looking to take about 15 days off work and then go back to working from home. The process was supposed to be one interview with one of the owners and then an interview with the direct supervisor before being hired. I was planning to let my direct supervisor know in my second interview my plan. However the owner loved me so much he decided to fast track the onboarding. Today he emailed me the offer letter and the documents for background check and drug test. Which I signed all three and completed my drug test. I go in tomorrow to finish signing some paperwork and then pending background check and drug test I will be hired. ( 10 days PTO front loaded in first day of employment which is absolutely PERFECT for my plans.) I still have not met with my direct supervisor. I don’t believe I will until after employment. I am not worried about that part as it is a perfect job in the perfect field.
Question is… do I tell him tomorrow that I’m pregnant and my plan for leave? Or should I wait until I’m hired and speak to my direct supervisor about it when I meet them? Or wait until I am past my second trimester and they see my skills and that I’m worth it and then let them know?
I hate keeping secrets. But I need/want this job and don’t want to mess anything up. Even though I know it’s not legal for them to deny me because of pregnancy.

Hi all. So I am 25 weeks pregnant ( I’ve had two miscarriages so I’ve always been weary about telling people soon) and got let go of my last job ( long unrelated story) so I have been in search of a new job. I finally got a new job and went through my first interview, I did not mention I was pregnant. This job is remote after this first month of training. Because I am in need of the money and the job is remote I am looking to take about 15 days off work and then go back to working from home. The process was supposed to be one interview with one of the owners and then an interview with the direct supervisor before being hired. I was planning to let my direct supervisor know in my second interview my plan. However the owner loved me so much he decided to fast track the onboarding. Today he emailed me the offer letter and the documents for background check and drug test. Which I signed all three and completed my drug test. I go in tomorrow to finish signing some paperwork and then pending background check and drug test I will be hired. ( 10 days PTO front loaded in first day of employment which is absolutely PERFECT for my plans.) I still have not met with my direct supervisor. I don’t believe I will until after employment. I am not worried about that part as it is a perfect job in the perfect field.
Question is… do I tell him tomorrow that I’m pregnant and my plan for leave? Or should I wait until I’m hired and speak to my direct supervisor about it when I meet them? Or wait until I am past my second trimester and they see my skills and that I’m worth it and then let them know?
I hate keeping secrets. But I need/want this job and don’t want to mess anything up. Even though I know it’s not legal for them to deny me because of pregnancy.

We’ve been married for 3 years and together for 7. When I met my husband we did long distant for about 4 months before moving in together, during that four months we talked from the time I would wake up to the time I went to bed. Once my husband moved in things started to change. As expected though so I just blew it off and assumed it to be “normal”.
This is my take on the what happen the next 3 years: My husband had never lived away from home, at 27 he moved out and was hit with a whole new life of responsibilities. (Bills, household chores, having someone else to look out for) this huge change in his life I THINK scared him. He became way more anxious, and it was very quickly noticed there was a lack of financial responsibility. Which then changed our relationship a little. When we were long distance he was like a literal dream. Caring, supportive, loving (constantly providing validation- my love language) but it seemed now those things took the back burner. I come from a less than middle class family. Divorced parents, have step/half siblings, spent 6 years of my life with someone abusive. So as you can imagine even with this change I was still all in and “happy”. I was able to go to school and get a degree. Which landed me a job and helped me make connections that today are still paying for themselves. I got my husband a side gig to make more money and it took off. We were able to actually live, not just pay bills and “survive”. It didn’t last long, because it seems like my husband lost motivation. He has always been the top earner supporting most of the household. So with this side gig taking off he was getting burnt out spending his 8-5 working a full time job and then coming home and working his side gig from 6- all hours of the night. It quickly became a lot. So a year after we bought a house he took his side gig full time and quit his “real job”. Looking back this was a huge mistake. But live and learn. Once he became “his own boss” (quotes because one of my connections- hired him as a contractor so yes he is his own boss/business but he still gets paid from someone else) it’s like things just got worse instead of better. Motivation wise. It was like he was constantly working but there was not a lot of finished product to justify the HOURS AND DAYS spent “working”. The expectation was to take on more clients and make more money. That didn’t happen. Our first year in the house he was doing both jobs and we were LIVINNN. I was feeling my best. I felt secure, we weren’t living paycheck to paycheck. But once he went full time on the side gig we took a 40k dollar pay cut. We quickly realized sustainability was LOW. During this time we’ve been trying to start a family and that’s a whole topic for another post but long story short we need to do IVF. Throughout the first year of him being his own boss I realized a few things. This man has ZERO accountability. ZERO motivation. And it’s driving me nuts to put it short. I am constantly guiding him, telling him what he should be doing, prioritizing, etc. We started to become behind on bills, so I talked to him about selling the house, a home we had only been in a year and change. It was HARD. But I watched my parents struggle and I just couldn’t do it myself. This also created a set back for my husband. He felt like a failure, and it did the opposite of what I thought it would. Instead of motivating him to work harder it did the opposite. I did do side jobs to help bring in extra cash. And forgive me - but I just felt like it was his responsibility to go back to a 8-5 job to help get us back on track but he refused. Refused to do more than what he was so that left us in a situation. I work in the medical field so my pays not terrible but the hours and work were long and hard. So working side jobs wasn’t easy for me. It was exhausting. I thought my husband would see this, and for lack of better words step up to the ffffing plate and be a man. But I was wrong. I’m losing love for him. We’ve been married 3 years and the last two years have been hell. Seems like as each day, month, year that passes I continue to fall out of love. There’s obviously so much more to this story, nothing really positive though.
I know I’m not the person he first met anymore and I want to make it clear I wasn’t expecting him to stay the same. BUT I was expecting to grow and build together and get even better instead we’re going in the opposite direction.
We did end up selling the house, we’ve literally given up so much, and still decisions fell on me, and choices were made by me.
Our journey to having a family is on halt.
Do I cut my losses and walk away?
Also- yes he is on medications for anxiety/ADHD. Yes he sees a therapist.

Just a short story of how alcohol almost ruined my life. I think the earliest memory of me getting drunk was some time in primary; my parents were not that strict as they allowed us to have some wine, especially at family events. So one time, I got so drunk that I tipped over the cake at one of our relatives' wedding parties. Fast forward to campus, I always took pride in the fact that I could take hard liquor without punching, often getting too drunk and making a nuisance of myself. But then the stories I heard from my friends always sounded fun. It was nothing too serious, just a bit of silly stories and dances here and there. But the fact was that I could never remember anything the night before.I am also not really a social person as I find it hard to interact without alchol.Of recent, I was out with a friend and boda guys beat us up, and I woke up in the hospital with my mother looking at me. It brought tears to my eyes; I remembered how she had sacrificed so much for me to be able to reach here. So as I have started my new journey, I realize I actually have no friends; it was always drinking buddies. I am finding it particularly hard to find hobbies to join as I can't stay home all the time because that also breeds other problems. So any advice would be appreciated." TLDR: Looking for alternative hobbies as someone who always used alcohol as a social lubricant.

I choose this platform to say sorry to a person I hurt 15 years ago. I know we have our own lives today but I would like to take the courage to say sorry. For me to also move on and validate the feelings I had this moment. I'm not a good writer but I want to share my story. Do you guys experienced having no memory of a certain situation in your life? It's like you remember the person but not fully apprehend what "really" happened to both of you? Seems like there is a missing puzzle in the big picture? It happened to me and realized everything after all the embarrasing things I did. I was like acting the victim before and not knowing I am to blame after all. Year 2023 when I came back in my country, I'm working overseas by the way. As I went home, I declutter my personal things and there I saw some letters wayback 15years ago. Letters during our retreat activity college days. I read all their sweet messages and I stumbled to read a letter written by my crush. After reading his short and sweet letter I'm sobbing. Tears rolling down my cheeks and asking myself, what was my reaction when I read his letter before? Like what did I do?!! Did I read this? I'm thinking so hard searching for answers in my head about his letter but got no answer. It was so vague to me that I cannot find the answer I'm looking for in my mind and in my memory. All memories and emotions were bleak during that specific time. Throughout the day, all I'm thinking about was his letter. Thoughts like, yeah, I do have a crush on him during college days and it is too impossible that I disregarded that letter. I'm thinking crazy things already about his letter yet I cannot remember what really happened. I contacted my close friend who's been with me since college. She's like my sister from another mother who knows everything since college days. I started the convo sending her the letter he wrote for me and instantly she recognize who wrote it. She even ask me what did I do when I read the letter before or did I even bother to read the letter? I told her I cannot remember what I did before but one thing that's clear to me was our friendship seemed to drift away even before the graduation day. That's why I was'nt able to contact him after graduation day till up to present. Thinking, I was just the girl who just learned that the guy I like before, liked me back after reading the letter, my friend give me a silly suggestion of giving him a PM. Yes, we are classmates, friends during those days. He was on my list of friends in my socmedia yet after all this years, I never sent him a PM. I just wanted to say hi but I'm too embarassed to do it. Overthinking stuff and crazy ideas crossing in my mind. Then all of a sudden I saw in my screen 11:11am, immediately type hi and hit send button. Feeling embarassed that I pm-ed him first at the same time doubting if he still knows me, I'm too anxious in wanting to have or not to have a reply from him that time. Morning the next day upon checking my phone I got a reply from him, 👍 at 5:55am. Being weirdo again all I did was to talk to myself early that morning to give him a reply or not. I'm thorn of doing so or what. Then I just decided to give him a message of asking how is he, introducing myself, hope he's doing okay, message him because of blah, blah then wishin him luck and good day. Ugh, still embarassed. I thought it will be the end of our convo but he replied back saying he's doing okay. He remember me saying I'm his classmate and I'm happy that he's doing good now in his new career. He also ask how I'm doing and what do I do these days. We exchange 4-5 convo until he stop responding. I'm like yeah, that's it. I'm sure he's busy and I understand his profession demands time but I also want myself not to expect anything in REALITY. I'm being too emotional as of the moment that all I got to think was him and his letter creating imaginary things between us. I'm a rational person so as I pacify myself and calm down the thoughts in my mind, I decided to write everything in my journal. As I write down my thoughts, the question of how's and why's, slowly I remember everything that happened 15 years ago. I clearly remember the thoughts I had, the decisions I made and how I ghosted him. Circa 2009. 4th year college. I have a guy friend who's my classmate during 3rd year since we were block section. He's also my block groupmate. Maybe we became close because we were together most of the times. He's tall, lanky, sweet, caring, funny and brainy. He's the type of guy who only bring a notebook in the room, I never saw him with a bag in normal schedule of classes but hey he always pass. And as a cheapskate college girl, I used to take down notes and do everything as I can to not spend extra penny. I become aware of him being sweet to me by borrowing my notes saying she can understand my handwriting, sitting beside me on classes where sitting position is not required, going to library doing group activities, walking side by side in school aisle and seeing him giving me a sweet smile. Getting him caught staring at me then he will just smile mirorring his eyes. It seems like normal things right? But I can sense there is something behind those small gestures. I also shared this to my friend that I can sense there is something about him but he never confirm anything at all. He was never even bothered when he knew one of my girl friends told him she had a crush on him. I got a little jealous during that time, I even got jealous on her friends that were beauties during college days. He was a friendly guy but knows how to be a gentleman. Since, no admission of feelings in his part we continued to be good friends, him still giving the same care and treatment to me. I can't remember if it was 2nd trimester when we had our retreat activity. It was months also before our graduation day and then after that will have our in-house review for upcoming board examination. Everyone is excited to attend the retreat because we can give a rest on our tired minds. We rented a good place with a perfect weather during that time. During our last day, the last task given to us is write a letter to each person in your group. He was my groupmate during the retreat. We can read the letter after the activity or if we have time to spare. I decided to read mine when I got home. Me and him are still good during that time. When I arrived home, I started reading their letter, I read his letter last. His letter goes like this,
A_____, " I have met you on a cloudy Monday and now you never knew how much I loved the rain." Your a gentle child and very sincere. You are very concern to all the people around you and thats what make you different from others. You can carry things up and I know you can make it. Goodluck and Godbless. I am just on yourside waiting for you to tap me and call my name.
I'm shocked yet relieved knowing that what he's doing towards me is confirmed in his letter. It might be a indirect confirmation but I think it still says so. I'm happy to know he's not just a friend caring for me but someone special who took care of me all this time. But as my happiness took over me, that feeling of anxiousness and cowardice envelops my entire body. Confessing his feelings, then now, what? What will happen in our friendship? How do I face him, as I am shy girl before? If I tell him I like him too, what will happen to us? Graduation day is in the corner, inhouse review is giving us pressure, licensure examination will happen in next few months and I need to focus, to study to pass the exam. Those were my concerns at that time. So, I made up my mind. Without giving him any answer, without telling him what I have in my mind, without him knowing what I really wanted to say despite the concerns I had in mind. I let him go without telling him what I feel towards him that time. Following days at school, I started avoiding him. I dare not to look at him directly in his eyes. I never got to talk to him about his letter. And as days passes by giving him same treatment and distance, I saw him once looking at me, his eyes saying like giving up. From then on, our friendship drifted off. I never got to talk to him in our graduation day, even in succeding events after our licensure exam. I did pass my licensure, he also did. I'm not expecting he will talk to me or greet me if ever we crossed our path again. He was my first love. But I never give him the chance. There might be a future for our relationship but I never gave him a chance. To my lovecrush, I am sorry for ghosting you, for not giving you a chance, and for leaving you hanging-up. I know I'm a big coward, selfish, self centered and faint hearted person when it comes to you. Confessing and telling you what my heart wants before will NOT/NEVER change anything now. But I wanted to say this for me to let go of the feelings that I still have for you. Lovecrush, I like you too. I care for you too. I did become a scaredy cat before telling you my true feelings are but know that after all those days knowing you like me too, I always think of you. The heartbeak I give to myself and to you, left me no choice but to suppress the pain and convince myself to forget the painful choice I made. Thank you for letting me feel how special I am in my own way. Thank you for being my green flag.❤️ Thank you for being warm, caring, thoughtful and loving friend.🥰 Now, I will never ever forget the memories we shared before even if it brings joy and pain. It is now my treasure. Thank you so much lovecrush. You will always be my first love and first heartache.🙂 I know you can make it in life. You're such a kind hearted soul. Wishin you all the best in life! Takecare as always. Godbless!🙏❤️

So I felt I really needed to vent about this because it had reached the limits of my patience with my mom’s control tactics.
Ever since I can remember, my mom has been the greatest control freak wanting everything in the house to be done her way, including the clothes everyone wears, where we go on vacation, even what we eat for dinner every day etc. My dad simply rolls over and lets her get her way all the time.
As far as family finances go, we are an upper middle class family but things really took a negative turn when some 20 years ago, my mom became part of an evangelical US-inspired megachurch that requires members to give tithes and offerings “to secure God’s blessings”. She has given away most of her life savings as well as my dad’s savings to this church. The church pastor and his wife live in a mansion and own a fleet of around 30 luxury vehicles like rolls Royce, Bentley, etc. All this in a country where the cost of just one of those cars can probably une average family for 2-3 years. And in addition, every second month the senior women’s leadership team goes on a prayer retreat in a 5 star resort in a new location in the world each time. The trips are self funded and they fly first class. My mom participates in these retreats each time. As things stand today, my parents have no savings whatsoever. They are heavily in debt but my mom continues to spend approximately $150,000 each year on this church in offerings, retreats, etc.
When my three older siblings started working, she demanded that they directly pay their salaries into her account and she gives them allowance from it. This only changed when the oldest two got married, but she still finds ways to extract leverage and control like requesting parental maintenance etc. All my siblings are miserable and unhappy and none of them are in a good financial position despite having decent jobs.
When my dad retired a few years ago, I was just about to go off to university overseas and he basically transferred a big portion of his retirement money to me to pay for my entire studies start to finish. He basically told me that I am the last hope of the family and that I should try to settle my life overseas and not return for fear of living the same fate as my siblings.
Fast forward to now, my parents finances are in extremely bad shape. My dad has retired, so they only have moms income and parental maintenance from older siblings. They cannot even afford to fix their cars anymore and are struggling to stay on top of medical insurance payments and other things. But my mom’s financial commitment to her church remains the same.
I recently started working abroad and when I called to inform my parents, the first thing she asked me about was the salary. I lied and told her an amount that is 60% of the real amount. I feel really guilty but I had no choice. She immediately started to tell me how much I should send her each month and how much I should give to the church back home. And added that she will inform the pastor to expect my contributions. She has even asked me to take out a massive loan and transfer the money to her account back home.
So far I have yet to send anything. And she is guilt tripping so hard saying things like how I’m abandoning the family, or that I don’t love God etc.
I am absolutely torn because on the one hand, I am lucky enough to have gotten the best education thanks to them and their sacrifices. However, i don’t believe that giving them money will help them in any way, given that my mom is likely to squander most of it.

To my colleagues at the Technomagical University of Valencia,
It is with great honor and gratitude that I dedicate these words to the revered institution that has been my intellectual home for decades. As Professor Thaddeus Rune, I have had the privilege of exploring the vast domains of thaumaturgy and materials sciences, unraveling the mysteries of the universe through the lens of magic and science.
Since the dawn of my academic career, the Technomagical University has been my source of inspiration and intellectual refuge, providing me with a conducive environment for the flourishing of the mind and spirit. Here, I have found not only knowledge but also camaraderie and collaboration, fundamental pillars on the path to understanding the secrets of the cosmos.
In this essay, I wish to pay tribute not only to this venerable institution but also to my esteemed friend and research colleague, the eminent arcanologist and Dr. Cornelius Darkwood. Together, we have shared countless hours of research, exploring the boundaries of magic and science with unwavering passion and an insatiable thirst for discovery.
May these words serve as a testimony of my deep appreciation for the Technomagical University of Valencia and for the invaluable friendship and collaboration I have found in Dr. Cornelius Darkwood. May our joint efforts continue to illuminate the darkest corners of knowledge, for the benefit of humanity and future generations.
With sincere affection and gratitude,
Professor Thaddeus Rune
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Introduction

Thaumaturgy, the ancient discipline that merges magic and science, has long been a fascinating and challenging field of study. In our ongoing effort to expand the boundaries of knowledge and thaumic practice, we are faced with the challenge of finding and synthesizing materials that are not only abundant but also rich in crucial magical aspects. In this essay, we will explore two such materials: pyrite and icosahedrite, and examine their potential in the creation of new alloys and thaumic artifacts.
Pyrite, known for its composition of iron sulfide (FeS2), has long been a cornerstone in thaumic practice. The presence of sulfur and iron in its crystalline structure makes it an ideal source of the ignis, terra, and metallum aspects. Additionally, its perfect cubic crystals offer a generous dose of the ordo aspect, adding an additional level of complexity to its thaumic utility.
However, the growing scarcity of natural pyrite crystals, specially those with cubic shapes, due to its extensive use in the crafting of pyrotic magical alloys and power objects, poses a significant challenge for modern thaumaturges. It is imperative that we explore viable alternatives for obtaining this material.
We must also highlight the importance of emerging materials such as icosahedrite. Icosahedrite, recently discovered and of meteoric origin, exhibits a unique chemical composition of aluminum, copper, and iron (Al63Cu24Fe13). Although its availability is limited and its cost high, its potential in thaumaturgy is extraordinary. In addition to being an excellent source of the metallum and permutatio aspects, the true marvel of icosahedrite lies in its emerging aspects, especially the rare alienus aspect.
This alienus aspect, with its exotic and mysterious qualities, offers a vast field of possibilities in the manufacturing of quantum devices, metamagic contraptions, and artifacts for metric manipulation of space-time. Furthermore, icosahedrite infused with praecantatio essence can give rise to powerful dodecahedrites, with potential applications in the production of high-density magical batteries, wands and scepters of great power, enhanced arcane weapons, and antimagic ammunition.
In conclusion, both pyrite and icosahedrite represent valuable contributions to the thaumic arsenal. Their unique properties and potential in the creation of new alloys and artifacts urge us to explore more economical and scalable production methods.

Summary

Throughout my research in the field of thaumaturgy and materials sciences, I have conducted a series of experiments aimed at synthesizing high-quality materials for application in thaumic practice. These experiments have resulted in the development of innovative synthesis methods, which have been detailed and documented in a report attached to this essay.
In this essay, however, my goal is to provide a concise and accessible summary of the synthesis methods employed, as well as the results obtained. While the attached report contains specific technical details and additional experimental data, here I will focus on presenting an overview of the procedures used and their implications in the context of contemporary thaumaturgy.
It is my hope that this summary provides a clear and practical understanding of the synthesis methods employed, as well as their relevance to research and thaumic practice. For those interested in delving deeper into the technical and experimental details, I refer to the attached report for further information and detailed insights.

Method of synthesis for Pyrite cubes

The process of synthesizing high-quality pyrite involves several meticulous steps to ensure the formation of cubic pyrite crystals with optimal perfection and purity. Below is a summary of the main steps of the method:

1. Preparation of the reactive mixture: The process begins with the preparation of a stoichiometrically calculated mixture of sulfur and iron. 32.06 grams of sulfur and 55.84 grams of iron, both finely powdered, are carefully weighed and mixed.
2. Formation of iron sulfide (FeS2): The sulfur-iron mixture is placed in a crucible and ignited to initiate the reaction and form iron sulfide (FeS2).
3. Grinding and dissolution: Once the iron sulfide is formed, the product is finely ground. Subsequently, the resulting iron bisulfide is dissolved in a eutectic mixture of sodium, potassium, calcium, and magnesium chloride salts. The exact proportions of these salts and specific temperatures are detailed in the attached report.
4. Crystallization and controlled cooling: The dissolved mixture is placed in a crucible inside a glass annealing furnace for slow controlled cooling. This process allows pyrite crystals to form and crystallize in an orderly and uniform manner.
5. Extraction and selection of crystals: Once the mixture has cooled and fully crystallized, the salt block is broken to extract and separate the precipitated pyrite crystals. Crystals with the most perfect cubic shapes are selected for use as seed crystals for growing larger crystals.
6. Process refinement: Throughout the experimentation, refinements were made to the process to improve the quality and perfection of the pyrite crystals. These refinements are detailed in the attached report.
7. Results: After a series of experiments and adjustments, a pyrite cube measuring 3.24 cm on each side was successfully grown, representing a significant success in the synthesis of high-quality pyrite.

This method of pyrite synthesis offers an effective route to obtaining cubic pyrite crystals with optimal thaumic properties, opening up new possibilities in the research and application of this material in contemporary thaumaturgy.

Method of synthesis for Icosahedrite dodecahedrons

The synthesis process of icosahedrite dodecahedrons involves a series of meticulous steps to cultivate polycrystalline crystals with desirable thaumic properties. Below is a summary of the main steps of the method:

1. Preparation of the metal mixture: The process begins with the pre-fusion and mixing of a finely powdered combination of 21.51 grams of aluminum, 19.305 grams of copper, and 9.185 grams of iron, in a controlled argon atmosphere. The mixture is carefully conducted to ensure a uniform distribution of the elements.
2. Refusion and controlled cooling: The metal mixture undergoes a refusion process to ensure complete melting of the components. Once melted, the mixture is allowed to cool within a crucible placed in a glass annealing furnace, ensuring slow controlled cooling.
3. Addition of ordo aspect essence: During the cooling process, ordo aspect essence is added to accelerate and enhance crystallization. This addition helps promote the growth of desired dodecahedral quasicrystals and improve their quality and purity.
4. Formation of the polycrystalline metal matrix: As a result of the controlled cooling process and the addition of ordo aspect essence, a polycrystalline metal matrix is obtained containing a variety of crystals with different orientations and structures.
5. Extraction and selection of dodecahedrons: The polycrystalline metal matrix is carefully broken and fragmented to separate and extract perfectly formed and desired dodecahedral quasicrystals. Dodecahedrons with the most suitable shapes and thaumic properties are selected for use in thaumic applications.

Although the obtained icosahedrite dodecahedrons may be small in size, their successful formation represents a significant advancement in the synthesis of this highly promising material in thaumaturgy. This method provides a solid foundation for future research and applications in the field of contemporary thaumaturgy.
____

Request for acquisition of magical materials for Dodecahedrite research

Given the success of the icosahedrite synthesis process, I am attaching the reason why I have requested a budget. Although the letter sent details the reasons better, I have chosen to include an excerpt in this essay for transparency purposes.
In order to advance our thaumic research and reduce future costs, I propose an innovative strategy involving the acquisition of key magical materials for the manufacture of dodecahedrites. These materials, greatwood and thaumite, are crucial for extracting large quantities of praecantatio essence, an essential component in the successful production of dodecahedrites.
Greatwood and thaumite, with their high concentration of praecantatio essence, will allow us to obtain the necessary raw materials to manufacture dodecahedrites efficiently and economically. These dodecahedrites, combined with the icosahedrite quasicrystals we have successfully synthesized, will be used in future research on advanced thaumic applications.
By acquiring these materials in large quantities, we can not only reduce the production costs of dodecahedrites but also ensure a constant and sufficient supply for our thaumic research projects. Additionally, it will enable us to conduct large-scale experiments and explore the full thaumic potential of dodecahedrites in various areas of study.
Therefore, I respectfully request the University of Tecnomagic of Valencia to consider allocating a budget for the acquisition of greatwood and thaumite. This strategic investment will allow us to advance more rapidly in our thaumic research and achieve new milestones in the field of contemporary thaumaturgy.
I am available to provide any additional information that may be necessary and that I am authorized to provide.
Sincerely,
Professor Thaddeus Rune

Idk if this really goes here but I don’t know where else to put it. For context: I have an extremely bad tree nut allergy. My reaction also doesn’t set in until 30 minutes to an hour later. My reaction is literally not being able to breathe or having a very hard time breathing depending on the nut and also hives before ending off on puking my guts out if im lucky enough or fainting/dying if I’m unlucky.
I also didn’t have an epipen at the time because it is too expensive and my parent’s insurance did not cover it. The teachers would also loudly proclaim each of the students who had allergies’s names and what their allergy was so everyone in the school knew I had a tree nut allergy.
Story: Some of my classmates decided it would be funny to give me a Nutella brownie during lunch. I did not know it had Nutella in it. Science was the next class after lunch so I went to science class thinking nothing was wrong.
I was paying attention until suddenly I had a very weird feeling that I was very familiar with. I tried brushing it off as accidentally eating something bad or just being a little sick. But then it got worse.
I raised my hand and asked the science teacher if I could go down to the nurse. She said no because I looked fine and she was giving an important lecture. At this point, I started having difficulties with breathing. I started telling her that I can’t breathe and she brushed it off as just some attention seeking stunt. (This was during the BLM protests and I’m black.) At this point, other students that I was friends with and knew the signs of my allergic reaction started telling her to let me go to the nurse.
I felt like I was about to puke so I walked up to the front of the room and used hand motions to ask to go to the bathroom. She told me to sit back down.
Just as she told me that, I puked. All over her and her shirt. She started screaming at me and asking what the fuck was wrong with me and I think she even said that I was gonna get suspension.
I looked her dead in the eyes and said “I told you to let me go down to the nurse.” Before coughing a lot.
I went down to the nurse after that and she shot me with the EpiPen that is in her office. I got sent home after that but my friends texted me that the nurse and the vice-principal told off the science teacher. My friends and I also got free snacks from the vice-principal for good behavior and the rest of my science class and teacher got to have after school lessons on allergies and medical conditions in general.
The kids who gave me the brownie got suspended and expelled later on for stealing 50 bucks from another student

How did I end up here? How am I gonna escape it? For the last 3 years I have been falling to new depths,overe these years I have seen myself collapse to a point I can't bear, yet I think there's more to come. In this time, I've managed to destroy all the potential that I had, failing myself and everyone who had hopes on me. This began at the end of the 9th class, where I was losing my interest in studying, but somehow I managed to study, I wasn't good in language, but was pretty good in science and math, so I did good in those subjects, the 10th class went in lockdown, and I didn't study much, but was still doing math and science as I liked it. But it was apparent that something wasn't right, I was slowly losing interest.The 10th went with pretty good marks, but I knew that if it goes like that it's not gonna end well. I was trying new things to regain myself, motivation, practice, exercise etc, anything that would bring back my interest. Everything worked, but didn't last. And it did a lot of damage in the upcoming years. The 11th was rough, I went to a new school, only to realise it was a mistake, they dint teach well while take good record of attendance, so I can't even stay back and study on my own. So i had to go to school , then coaching and come back exausted. This went on and hampered my results a lot, I went below average. But I still had hopes of recovering. Meanwhile I was getting worried what's happening inside me, I had completely lost focus on studies, I didn't know what's going on, it felt like I was in class for the sake of it, doing lectures and taking notes. I knew it wasn't good and it would completely derail me from track. But I couldn't help it, every effort I gave, it didn't last, would work for a few days and it went to the same state. And then the 12th came to an end. I realised I hadn't studied the whole year, I panicked and did whatever I could to prevent the boat form sinking. But it was in vain too. I got poor marks in 12th boards. The nightmare had come true. But my parents were supportive, gave me another chance. I started fresh, full of energy, but it ended up in the same manner. I have wasted this year too. Bad marks while knowing I wasn't studying enough. But I couldn't do anything about it, every effort I gave in the whole year had been in vain.
So what has happened to me? Well for the past years I have completely lost interest in anything. It started with studies, now it's with everything. I don't like to go out, I can't enjoy anything, playing a videogame also feels like a chore, I've even lost interest in social media. I just can't get myself into the state where I can work towards my goals.ive been living in a brain fog for 3 years.my mind doesn't work right,everytime I try to concentrate on something, my mind strays away. I can't even focus on a movie for 5 minutes. I can't even watch my favourite movies. They are all downloaded in my pc, but I haven't watched any of them. I don't know if it's laziness or something else. All these years I've tried to get on track, only to get even more stray to the path. So many times have I tried to correct it, each time I end up frustrated. Can't imagine the times I went to sleep hoping I won't see the next day, as it was hard for me to see what I had become. I have cried to myself countless of times about it, keeping everything to myself. For who's gonna listen. The people who actually I thought should have listened have a different mindset. They just can't understand it. I haven't been able to understand my parents, what do the want, sometimes it feels like thay care about me, sometimes I feel like I'm just a project. They don't question anything I demand. They don't keep track of the money they give me. So it pains even more that I'm not able to deliver what they expect. But they also don't try to understand the situation I'm in. Till the mid of the 12th these things had affected me to a point, I had self esteem issues. My mind started carving an image of me that I was worthless. It would pick flaws in me and start telling me that I'm shit. It could pick any bad situation that happened to me and feed me with the message that you deserve it, you are a complete loser and nobody likes you. This just grew day by day. I have spent nights without sleep because the thoughts would keep coming to haunt me. It had given me a complete paralysis. I remember I once spent 4 days without eating anything, just lying down, unable to do anything. As if this was not enough, I suddenly realised I was losing hair. I already had a pretty bad self esteem, and this just boosted my insecurities. And just like that, I got body dysmorphia. I couldn't see me in the mirror. Usually I didn't see the mirror because I didn't give a damn about someone judging me. But now I don't see the mirror because I started hating on my appearance. And since my mind was already picking negatives, it found a good place to give me a blow. For the next 3 months, it would always pick on me, giving me thoughts about how I'm ugly, and I'm gonna end up alone. And it went like that. Sometimes the thoughts were so intense that it gave me literal headaches. I had to workout at 2 am just so that I could distract myself. Many days I also had to punch the walls till my hands went numb. Because the physical pain was more bearable than what was going in my mind. I didn't want to tell that to my parents, thinking they might not be able to handle it. Bit I wanted to give a hint that I wasn't fine. I sometimes told mom that I wasn't feeling good. You know what's the reply, keep yourself busy, study day and night and you will feel good. It angers me, here I am not able to handle anything and they only care about my studies. But I didn't want to lash out. I can't say everything to them. How would they react when I tell that I don't want to live anymore, when I feel like death is better than this downfall. How can I tell that sometimes when I'm cutting the vegetables I have to move away for sometime because I feel like stabbing myself to death. Or when I pick the razor to shave I feel like cutting the veins, or before sleeping I feel like gulping down the whole file of those finestaride tablets which I bought for hairfall but I had to quit because they were too powerfull. But I tried to hint them again, this time I just expressed my worry about losing my hair. They didn't pay much attention. The second time I tried, I got shouted at by dad. He told to stop thinking about it and to focus on studies. And on that day, I just stopped trying. I felt like I didn't matter, all that mattered was my academics and career. From that day, the phone calls from them felt like a formality. I didn't want to talk to them. I didn't want to go home on holidays, or occassions. My own home felt like a trap. I felt more safe alone in my room. Once I thought of the result is all the need, I'm up for it. I had to complete a chapter on centre of mass and collision. I was frustrated, not to mention that I got taunted by dad on the call a few minutes ago, I finished the whole chapter, 15 lectures, each of more than an hour, in one sitting. After finishing I could feel myself, my vision wasn't right, I was feeling dizzy. But I thought if I study in this manner, I might get good results, forget about my health, it wasn't my concern nor do I think my parents concern about it. But what happened, next day I went back to my old cycle of doing nothing. At this point, I was totally broken, but I couldn't just give up because ther was expectations on me and a lot of money was invested on me. I just cared about my results, stopped thinking about my own well being. But I couldn't do anything. I had failed to deliver in my drop year too. Facing all of this with loneliness with as the cherry on top. For all this time I had a deep loneliness in me. I just wanted someone by my side, who would listen to me, while I had none. But I also can't be around someone, I feel safe alone. So I'm with a mixed situation of being lonely while also wanting to be alone. At this point, I just want an end. Either the end of this situation or the end of life, anything would make me happy. The latter used to scare me because of that feeling that my parents would not be able to bear it. But after all this I don't even think they care, all they would be upset that I died a loser. I've defended them in my mind for too long because I never got a beating from them, I was raised in a good environment,never saw them fight. I felt like I was blessed to be born in this family. I ate up all the taunts and sarcasm from them thinking they just want a better life for me. But now I feel like a commodity being used for their own interests.