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Intro (Timestamp: 1:47) - Rachel: Welcome back to another episode of Rachel Goes Rogue. This is your host, Rachel Savannah Leviss. Today, we are talking about part three of the Vanderpump Rules reunion. - Rachel: It has finally come to an end, season 11. It's been a long time coming, and we're here to react. I have my producers with me, and as usual, they will be asking me some questions to get my perspective on what we just watched during the reunion.
Well, first of all, I want to start off with asking you just your overall thoughts on the reunion, watching it. How do you feel? (Timestamp: 2:19) - Rachel: Overall, I just feel tired at this point. I don't enjoy watching this show, and (Rachel starts to get emotional) I'm just happy that it's over. It was good that they didn't talk about me very much this last episode, part three. - Rachel: That's great, but it's been really difficult watching each week. And I feel like I can finally start to move on from all of this, because it's been really difficult. It was really heavy and sad. - Rachel: And I think everyone on that cast is struggling. And I would be too if I was there. I mean, I'm struggling just watching it from the sidelines, so I can only imagine what it's like being on that stage.
So you're getting really emotional right now. Where is this emotion coming from? (Timestamp: 3:28) - Rachel: It's coming from a place of feeling like I haven't had much room to go. Feeling like stuck between a rock and a hard place, so to speak. Because this entire time, I have been preparing for them to slander my name, to paint me in the worst light. - Rachel: And my goal with this podcast was to be able to represent myself, to defend myself, to share what I've learned through my time that I took away and my recovery, and just to shed more light on the situation. - Rachel: And it hasn't been easy. It's been an extreme rollercoaster of emotions in a lot of different phases, getting sucked back into it, and then feeling like all consumed by all the comments and everything, and then completely cutting off communication with the outside world and living in my own reality in the moment. It's all about that balance, and it has not been easy to move on. - Rachel: I don't think it's been easy for any of the cast to move on rehashing it and talking about it and having other people tune in. It's not typical. It's not normal. And the day has finally come that the show, season 11, is over, and it's a relief to me because I don't have to keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. - Rachel: I don't have to think about what lies they're going to spread about me, and I don't have to think about what I need to defend myself about. And then following week, I feel like I can finally start to live my life again.
And so you're kind of talking about the boundaries that you've been setting by staying away and cutting people off, which obviously boundaries was a really big topic at the reunion. You obviously set some really strong ones by not returning to the show. What's your take on this discussion of boundaries? Do you agree with Lala or do you side more with Ariana when it comes to boundaries when it's in regard to filming the show? (Timestamp: 5:40) - Rachel: I could see both of their points of view. Setting a boundary for yourself is not an easy thing to do. And when other people are upset that you set a boundary for yourself, that's usually a telltale sign that that person is using you in some way and is not happy that you have this new boundary because it's not serving them. - Rachel: So, I can see why Ariana upholded her boundaries by not speaking to Tom, even though she actually did film with Tom this whole season, or for the later part anyway. But she refused to have that conversation with Tom at the end of the show, and I commend her for it because it would have been a fake conversation. You could tell that Tom, his only motive to having that conversation with her is for camera purposes and storyline purposes. - Rachel: Therefore, it's not an authentic conversation. It would have been crocodile tears, the whole thing. And I completely understand Ariana walking away. I walked away too, and people weren't happy about that either. - Rachel: For Lala's point of view, I can understand her perspective in wanting to have a good TV show for her livelihood and the longevity of her career. If you're going to commit to filming, then I can see why Lala is upset, because you are not only committing to filming with this person, I can see her point in that she is living under the same roof as Tom. - Rachel: They're living together, they're filming together, yet in Lala's eyes, Ariana is being stubborn by not filming with Tom, or that one scene. Who even cares about that one scene? I don't know. - Rachel: It's all so silly to me, but boundaries are important. I was in a place where I didn't have boundaries, and I was really trying to appease production and put on a good show. That became my priority season 10.
And where do you think the line needs to be drawn, you know? When at the end of the day, this is a paycheck and this is a job, versus this is someone's real life. You've talked a lot about wanting to live in reality. Where do you think that line should be drawn? (Timestamp: 8:32) - Rachel: I think that's an impossible question to answer when you're filming a reality TV show, because the line is so blurry, it's impossible to know what's real and what's not. And the more I'm out of it, the clearer I can see that. We see it with Tom Sandoval when he talked about production. - Rachel: He did the New York Times article, and he stopped talking mid sentence when a plane flew over or a truck drove by, whatever it was, because the audio, typically when we're filming a show and a plane flies by, you stop talking so that the audio can pick up normally without the distraction in the background. - Rachel: So it's like programmed in your mind to think a certain way, to act a certain way, to talk a certain way, to pursue certain things, where it becomes a part of your patterning. We also see the lines get blurred with Scheana and the comment section, and what is real life and what is not, what is her own true motivation for doing certain things, and what is influenced by outside commentary. - Rachel: That gets so blurry, and when you're all consumed in the perception of yourself, how can you really be sure that you're operating from a place of an inner knowing? That's a boundary that's blurred. With Lala, she clearly prioritizes the success of the show because she wants to secure her paycheck, and when people are setting boundaries for themselves and it's conflicting with what she wants and what is successful in her eyes, that sparks an anger within her. - Rachel: And it's all fabricated to a certain point because the bottom line is this show. So, I think it truly is impossible to live a real life and be on a reality TV show.
So, do you think it's fair for Lala to direct that anger towards Ariana? Or do you think she should be directing it more towards the show? (Timestamp: 11:12) - Rachel: Oh, no, not at all. I don't think that it's fair that Lala is directing that anger towards Ariana because Ariana has been very clear with her boundaries since the very beginning and…
I guess if she's feeling this way, do you think maybe she should have upheld her boundaries more if she was feeling so resentful towards someone doing the same? Do you think she's feeling like she regrets things that she had said in the past? (Timestamp: 11:35) - Rachel: I think she did uphold her boundaries. I think that she feels like she hasn't been supported the same way that Ariana is being supported. And it's probably not a good feeling, but she maneuvered differently than Ariana has. And Lala doesn't extend the same empathy towards others. So it's harder to support her, I believe.
She does make a point to say, many times, that she feels like things are not being honest on camera. She points out Tom and Ariana’s relationship being one of those things. Katie has a flashback moment where she also calls it out. Do you agree that things are not always honest on camera? (Timestamp: 12:12) - Rachel: Totally. Yeah. I think the point that Lala is making is that Tom and Ariana haven't been honest about their relationship on camera. - Rachel: And I think people are getting caught up in Lala being hypocritical because she wasn't honest about her relationship with Randall. Okay, yes, that might be true. But the point is that Tom and Ariana haven't been good for quite some time. - Rachel: And their relationship that was portrayed on camera for fans to see was not an accurate representation of their relationship. I see the frustration because I agree with that too.
Even on your part, how does it affect you as someone on the show when people aren't fully honest on camera? How does that affect the rest of the cast? (Timestamp: 13:21) - Rachel: Yeah, it affects everyone when people aren't fully honest on the show. I mean, I wasn't fully honest the season 10 reunion. I was still covering up for Tom Schwartz. - Rachel: I was still covering up for Tom Sandoval. I was still going along with that narrative, and it would have been much better to just be open and honest about it. But of course, Tom was like, no, that wouldn't be good for business. - Rachel: It wouldn't be good for Schwartz and Sandys if people knew that the Schwartz kiss wasn't authentic and we need that to seem real. So it does affect everyone when you're not being honest, because it portrays a certain picture that isn't reality, and the whole point of reality TV supposedly is to be real, following these real people's lives. - Rachel: So honesty would be like the most important value characteristic you would think that everyone on this show should have. But it seems like nobody does.
Well, speaking of honesty, Ariana kind of called out Tom and his motives behind wanting to apologize on camera. He finally does get that moment during the reunion to apologize to Ariana. He has some words when he does, he calls the affair something he regrets every day. He says that he wears it like a badge of shame. On your end, how did that feel watching that? (Timestamp: 14:46) - Rachel: It's hard to tell if Tom is being honest or not. Even in the Secrets Revealed episode, when he was asked how many girls he had sex with since me, and he had to pause and think about if he was going to be honest or not, he's just been caught in so many lies that it's hard to tell if he's being truthful. - Rachel: But hearing Tom say that he regrets getting involved with me every single day, I regret it too, so it is a little bit painful, but it's also like maybe something is registering for him. - Rachel: I don't know. But then again, his actions speak a lot louder than his words. He knows what words to say, and then it seems that he fails to follow through with meaningful action. And that's where true amends come into play.
There was just, I feel like, a lot of pain in the room all around. You kind of acknowledged that at the beginning of this episode. What do you think that this pain, and even Lala saying that she was okay seeing some of those friendships end, what do you think that means for the future of this group? (Timestamp: 16:07) - Rachel: I don't see much of the future for this group. It looks pretty shattered. It looks like these friendships are not healthy friendships. - Rachel: The dynamic between Lala and Scheana is not a healthy dynamic. It seems to be like a power imbalance. It seems like Scheana is trying to appease Lala to make sure she's secure, and she's getting certain needs met in that friendship because Ariana hasn't been around for Scheana the way that she's used to. - Rachel: Yeah, you could tell that Scheana’s struggling with coping with that. It seems like Lala's really on a wavelength of not effing with anybody on the cast right now. It seems like her friendship with Katie isn't strong because Katie's gotten really close with Ariana. - Rachel: It seems like even her friendship with Scheana is a little rocky. I think she sees Scheana as someone that's not...How do I want to say this? - Rachel: And I hate saying this word, because I don't want to like categorize somebody as something, especially because I've been called this before too. But I think seeing how Lala reacted to everything and how Scheana was trying to be the fixer and appease Lala, and it just didn't seem like enough for Lala. I think Lala sees Scheana as someone who is weak, perceived weakness. - Rachel: I'm not saying that Scheana is weak. And I think that there's a lot of alliances and manipulation happening, and none of that is healthy for our friendship dynamic. I can see why the show is taking a hiatus, because it just seems so fractured
Well, it definitely seems like at the very end of the episode, Scheana was very sure to get that last word in. I felt like she was looking directly at Lala and almost begging for her to hear her out that she was on her side. And it really did seem like the very end, Scheana had to choose. Is she Team Ariana or Team Lala? Do you think she made the right choice? Do you think she needed to make a choice, or do you think that she's putting this pressure on herself? (Timestamp: 18:21) - Rachel: Ooh, that's a good question. I think she feels a lot of pressure from the outside perspective, and she doesn't want to, obviously, like burn bridges with Ariana or anything. And I think Ariana has been very gracious towards Scheana. Do I think that she needed to choose sides? I don't think so. I don't know. - Rachel: I can see Lala's frustration probably because I'm sure Sheena and Lala have had conversations about the whole situation. And without Ariana there, I'm sure Sheena's singing a much different tune than what we're hearing at the reunion, and that's sparking some frustration in Lala. And I'm sure that was a similar feeling when she called out Katie about it too. - Rachel: So yeah, I think that Lala feels pretty isolated, I want to say, in her feelings. And now that it's aired, and I did check Reddit for the first time in a very, very long time, it seems like the majority of people are hating on Lala right now. I'm human. - Rachel: I do hold some resentment towards Lala for the way that she's treated me over the years. I do empathize with her a little bit because all the hate online is just a little bit ridiculous. And I think also people are afraid to speak a differing opinion than the team Ariana side because people are just ruthless online and they don't want to hear a differing opinion. - Rachel: And if you do, then you get shunned out, too. It's very, my therapist calls it tribal shaming, where if you're not following the rules of the tribe, spoken or unspoken, then you're cast out and you're shunned.
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I mean, it does feel like the fans have had more of an impact on this season than ever. Would you agree with that? (Timestamp: 23:24) - Rachel: Yeah, especially because as they were filming this show, the fans were boots on the ground. We're going to production, we're going to filming, and we're going to take photos and document what we saw and all that stuff. Like it was very interactive in a way. - Rachel: I think with after show this year, it was a little bit different because some things have changed since the ending of filming last summer. One of the things was me starting my own podcast and speaking freely about my experience and my opinion and the after show gave the cast an opportunity to rebut what I was saying and it provided more of a context. - Rachel: And I think with more time passing from the end of filming last summer to, you know, early January, February of this year, when they filmed the after shows, cast dynamics shifted because as we all know, now watching the finale, Lala and Ariana did not end on a good note whatsoever. - Rachel: And so, you know, she had some choice of words to say during the after shows. And it seemed like she really got Sheena to support her with that.
Speaking about the fracturing of this cast, something about her did recently open. Not many cast members were in attendance to this opening. What's your take on that? (Timestamp: 24:56) - Rachel: Interesting. Do you know who went? - iHeart Lady: I know Schwartz went - Rachel: It seems a little telling that maybe Sheena and Lala aren't on the best terms with Ariana right now, because they went to like the Broadway opening that Ariana did for Chicago. And they also went to Dancing with the Stars. But this is all before they knew that she didn't watch the show. And so that was all before the reunion and everything. So yeah, it seems like maybe they're not on the best of terms right now.
What are your thoughts on production holding the last five minutes until the reunion to show to everyone? (Timestamp: 25:47) - Rachel: I wonder if they got word that Ariana wasn't watching the season. And they did that as a way to ensure that they would get a reaction from her, kind of like forcing her hand a little bit, forcing her into a situation that she did not want to be in. It was very strategic in that way. And it was something new. Like, we've never done that before. It was creative, for sure, on production's part.
Do you think it was fair to Ariana? (Timestamp: 26:27) - Rachel: There's a commitment, and part of that is watching the show and having an opinion on what's happening besides your own story that you're sharing. So in a way, it's like ensuring that Ariana did have an opinion on it. So very eye opening, to say the least.
I want your take on Tom's final words. He says, I love it. It's good for me. A lot of people in the room were very shocked by that. Tom even has a reaction to it, where he shakes his head no. They didn't even really press him on what he meant by that either. What's your take on all of that? (Timestamp: 26:49) - Rachel: I wish they pressed him on what he meant by that a little bit more. And Ariana was pretty much the only person that called him out on it too. She caught it. - Rachel: She was like, that exactly proves my point, that you are doing things for the audience, for the production value, and for his own story purposes. I guess in Tom's eyes, having Ariana refuse to film and walk off was good for him because he felt like he completed his job and fulfilled his duty with what production was asking from him. And Ariana was not. - Rachel: And I think selfishly, he probably thought that it would give him a better chance of having more of a redemption story. - Rachel: Because, ultimately, production is the one picking and choosing what they're going to share on the show and edit and put certain music behind certain scenes to make it seem even more of a certain way. Tom knows how to play into that. But I would have loved to hear what his explanation for that comment would be.
Why do you think they didn't press him? (Timestamp: 28:34) - Rachel: I think that they're protecting him, like they always have been.
We did see something interesting at the very end with Lisa stepping up and taking Ariana's side, which is kind of a different tune. You've talked about this before, where she seems to protect the guys a lot of the time, but then she changes her tune at the very end of the episode and takes Ariana's side. What are your thoughts on that? (Timestamp: 28:39) - Rachel: I think Lisa is very strategic with what she puts out there as well. And she knows what people are saying about her, with her always supporting the guys. So that could have been a motivation behind her changing her tune and supporting Ariana in that way. Yeah, I don't know. It's hard because I think also Lisa is very aware of who the fan favorites are. It's her show. - Rachel: She's an executive producer on this show. So she's not a dummy when it's coming to that. I think it helps her if she is supporting Ariana because she'll praise Ariana for walking away and end up holding her boundaries. - Rachel: But then when it comes to me, I don't even remember what she said about me. But when it comes to me walking away and setting a boundary for myself, I've been told that I'm a coward and I'm running away from my problems. - Rachel: So that part for me gets a little frustrating because it's like, and also the fans praising Ariana for upholding her boundaries and walking away and supporting her and telling her like, you know, she's outgrown this show. - Rachel: She should move on and do something even better with her life. And she's finding out now that these aren't her true friends and like good for her for upholding her boundaries and walking away from this situation. And I've done the same thing and it has been met with scrutiny.
Lala compares her situation with Randall to Ariana a lot throughout this reunion. Do you think the two are similar at all? (Timestamp: 30:37) - Rachel: I don't think that the relationship that Lala had with Randall is comparable to the situation that Tom and Ariana were in. It's hard to get on Lala's side with some of the things that she's saying, because the way that she spoke about her relationship with Randall is like bragging about doing BJs for PJs and getting gifted a Range Rover very early in their relationship and not being honest about who she was seeing and the situation that was happening basically. And it just seemed like she was in it for the money and like to secure her success and fame. - Rachel: So it's hard to get behind that, especially when she's been so outright about it. Unfortunately, Randall wasn't the stand up guy that she was selling him to be. We weren't buying it. - Rachel: In Ariana's case, viewers got to see that relationship develop over the years, whereas with Lala's, he wasn't around, like it was secret for a while. And, you know, it's harder to develop feelings towards a person or a relationship when you're not seeing it play out on camera. I think Lala has a lot of anger, maybe even towards herself, for the situation that she allowed herself to be in. And I think she might be taking that out on Ariana.
How hard is it to be really honest when you're in this position? And do you think certain cast members have an easier time doing this? (Timestamp: 32:22) - Rachel: So this is like where your own values come in. Like, are you an honest person or are you not? Because there are people in this cast that are not, and we know who they are, and they have no problem lying, and it doesn't bother them when they lie. - Rachel: And for me, I'm working towards living a more authentic, honest life. And part of that is being honest with my emotions, thoughts, and feelings, and expressing that, and doing that in a way that is still respectful, because I'm not trying to hurt people in the process. And I am trying to express myself honestly and be true to myself. - Rachel: So I think it just depends on who you're asking. I mean, it's definitely not easy. It's definitely hard because you're on this platform, this public arena where you're opening yourself up to scrutiny. - Rachel: And if other people have differing opinions than you do, or if your opinion is the minority, you're basically going to be harassed and scrutinized. And so sometimes for people, it's easier to not be fully honest with their thoughts and feelings in order to save face or in order to go with more popular opinion because it's perceived to be safer that way. But I don't know. - Rachel: At this point, it's like your words aren't going to hurt me. You can say whatever you want to say about me online, and I've survived this far. So whatever else you say about me is not going to affect me any more than it already has. - Rachel: I've developed thick skin through this process, and I've come to the point where I value my friendships that are real in the sense of I interact with these people in real life. I care more about people's perception of me when they actually meet me and interact with me and the vibes I give off that way. So you get to a certain point where it's almost your duty to show up for yourself and be honest with how you feel and how you think about a certain thing in that moment. - Rachel: And your opinions can change with time too and with more information. It's not like I'm going to say this one thing and I'm always going to feel this way. It's always changing, it's always developing, we're always getting more information, and we're always experiencing new things that change our perspective on life. - Rachel: So it's just your duty to represent yourself in the most authentic way so that your people will find you.
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Well, I think there was one kind of shining moment, I'll say, even though it was a really emotional moment. But the moment between, and this is a little bit of a pivot, but the moment between Schwartz and Katie, I found really interesting, where Andy was asking about their relationship. It seemed like this season, they had a little bit more of a playful dynamic. But Schwartz gets really emotional, saying that he doesn't regret how their relationship ended. But you can kind of see in his eyes that he tears well up. He gets really emotional. What did you make of that moment? (Timestamp: 38:08) - Rachel: We don't think we've really seen a moment like that between Tom, Schwartz, and Katie. It really seems like they've come to terms with how the relationship ended, and that it was for the best. But it seemed like there was a lot of fond memories and just appreciation for one another, that I don't think I've really seen that dynamic between them before. - iHeart Lady: To me, it seemed like in a season where there was a lot of hurt, that seemed like the one moment of maybe seeing two people that are going through the process of healing. - Rachel: Viewing that, it did seem like they were both coming from a place of healing, because they weren't throwing insults at each other or trying to bring each other down. It was very respecting one another and appreciating the moments that they did have together while it lasted. And that's refreshing to see on this show.
Lala said something at the very end where she said it was really hard for her to show up to season nine reunion, I believe it was. You know, she didn't want to talk about certain things, but she showed up. Ariana said the same thing where she could say the same about the season 10 reunion. She didn't want to be there. You could probably say the same thing about the season 10 reunion. You didn't want to be there as well. Is it fair to say everyone's been in a position where they didn't want to be somewhere, but they did anyway? (Timestamp: 39:44) - Rachel: 100%. Yeah, totally. And that's like the part of committing to this show. It's a commitment. And even though you don't quite know what you're signing up for, you know that it's not going to be necessarily easy. And there's a challenge in that. - Rachel: And I think, just speaking for myself, there was an opportunity for growth for me in that. Yeah, I think we've all been in a situation where we didn't want to show up for something and felt, I don't think obligated is the right word, but we made a commitment to being there, and we followed through with our commitment. And it's hard.
You started this episode off by acknowledging that there was a lot of healing that this cast needs to do. As someone who has taken a step back from filming, you've had this time to kind of come back to your own reality. What can this cast expect when you have that moment to kind of breathe and have that separation and you rejoin reality for a minute? (Timestamp: 41:07) - Rachel: Oh, okay. That is a loaded question. Because I think that there's a little bit of fear with not being the current topic of conversation. - Rachel: I think addiction is the wrong word, but there's a little bit of the dopamine hits that you get when you're being talked about on a reality TV show and the fear of that going away permanently could be a scary thing. But taking time off and re-centering with yourself, I think is like the best thing for this cast right now, because we don't want to be forced into situations that we don't want to be in. That's not living an authentic life. - Rachel: I mean, I've been worrying about scenes and storylines, and I haven't even been a part of this show, but now it feels good not to worry about that. And I do have to say, just like reading all the comments on Reddit right now, it's like hardly anybody is talking about me, which is a great feeling. It's just so much more freeing when you're not living your life for somebody else's entertainment anymore. - Rachel: It just feels like you get your life back a little bit. It's so complex, and I think it's hard to understand if you haven't been through being on a TV show for millions of people to comment on and judge your life. I don't think humans are meant for that, and there's no way that that's healthy. - Rachel: Yeah, I said that I think the cast, we have a lot of healing to do. We, as in, I still do too, and part of that is coming back to reality. And I really don't think that we've had a minute this whole season. I think it's going to be good for everyone.
Has this year though felt different to you? I feel like you're like half in, half out (Timestamp: 43:42) - Rachel: Oh, yeah, it's felt so different. But I think like a large part of that has to do with going to the meadows and really reconnecting with myself and learning about my issues and how it was showing up for me and really coming to terms with like, what is this piece of external validation and how is that motivating me? And is it even real? - Rachel: And just like really re centering back into myself and gaining a lot more perspective with that. Without the meadows, I would not be where I am right now. There's no freaking way. So it is. I'm living a new life. I really am. - Rachel: And I feel like I haven't really been able to truly have the opportunity to live my new life to the fullest because this show has been holding me back. And I know that that's partially my fault too because I'm indulging and speaking about it, but I'm really looking forward to the days when I can truly move forward and evolve into something even more magnificent.
Outro (Timestamp: 45:02) - Rachel: Thank you so much for listening to Rachel Goes Rogue. Follow us on Instagram and TikTok for exclusive video content at Rachel Goes Rogue Podcast.
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i’m at work right now and i’ve started to feel bad. i feel nauseous and very weak, a little shaky.
i’m pretty sure my nausea and weakness is due to hunger and low blood sugar because i’ve been ignoring my stomach growling for four hours now. i also woke up at 5 starving but i just had a biscuit to shut my stomach up so i could go back to sleep. i’m not sick to my stomach and id be able to eat so i know i’m likely ok.
yes, the simple answer is to just eat something but i avoid doing this at work because unfortunately i suffer with rcpd and am always even more nauseous and experience chest and abdominal pain after eating which is something i’m not equipped to deal with whilst running a shop on my own. i’m having to pick the lesser of two evils right now.
trouble is i’ve started to get anxious and now i feel super ill and want to gag. i really don’t know what to do? i’ve got 4 hours of my shift left and feel so rubbish!
i also dreamt about stomach bugs so that’s pissed me off lol.
wtf do i do?? i cant go home because A) i’ll get fired B) i cant get home without a lift and don’t have that.
someone just tell me i’ll get through this and some advice if you have any?!

Long triggering post ahead. Also religious trauma, domestic abuse...maybe?
I'm nearing 38, and I'm just realizing that the man I married when I was 30 is rather abusive. I just need to share this. I need to write it out. I need to confirm that I'm not crazy. Or if I am, please correct me.
My dad is a pastor in a conservative Christian cult. Not only is the cult abusive, my dad was/is abusive. My mom was both a receiver and a perpetrator of abuse. Mostly emotionally and mentally. There was, of course, corporal punishment which I consider abuse. My brothers got beat a lot. Often by my mom. But they preferred to abuse me emotionally and mentally because I really can handle pain, it's my brain that is weak.
My dad will get mad about something and just take over the whole house screaming and throwing a fit. He would threaten us and just go absolutely bizerk. It could be because of something else he was mad at, or because we ate all his ice cream or some other food that he wanted but didn't say he was saving for something. He would make weird rules or decide we couldn't do something like see a parade because "the gays had taken it over." (Not pride, just this local parade). We never knew when he would be cool and when he would be volatile. My mom was similar, but she'd scream at us when we asked for help with school (homeschool) or go on about how nobody ever helped her...I did.
It's always kind of confused me because my dad and mom would point out other people both in and out of the cult and say that they were so abusive or cruel to their kids. They were correct about these people. But the implication was always that my parents were good somehow. I fell for it for a long time.
In college they diagnosed me with bipolar II. About 3 or 4 years ago, I found out that not only were they wrong, they didn't even follow proper clinical procedures for diagnosing such a thing. About 3ish years ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD.
When I met my husband he was cool. He was the first boyfriend I had that wasn't mean or degrading. He brought me coffee just because or soup when I was sick. It was fun and cool. I felt like a real person for the first time ever.
But, he would get upset about something at work and he'd threaten other people. Like one time when we were dating, he was mad about how work went and then started about how he wanted to beat up this random bicyclist who was driving by. When I reacted, he just said he was kidding and acted like I was overreacting. My dad did that a lot too. Said something horrible and then screamed at me for not being able to take a joke.
He does this all the time. He gets in these rants about whatever he's mad about. It's rarely something I did and the anger is rarely directed at me exactly. But he takes over the whole house. And one time he was in the kitchen, and he had a knife, and he was stabbing the air repeatedly while yelling about how he wanted to hurt his managers.
Then, I have to soothe him, and calm him down. And it's the poor him show.
He's also gotten violent with my small dog. Usually just scary and threatening, but sometimes violent. My dog used to love him, now he's scared of him.
At first I thought I was just being sensitive. And when he gets drunk, or starts acting like this and I get upset it's all, "it's because of how you were raised. You're upset by the fact that I'm snarling and muttering to myself because of your hupervigilance."
And he also will condem abusers. As if he's not one.
I think it is abuse? Am I just over sensitive. My parents would say I've never been abused.
Anyway, I'm leaving in a week. I'm going to teach in a different country than my husband is. The plan is to work separately for the school year and then after a year reevaluate. He kind of pushed me into this. And I didn't want to be separate at first. But now I don't think I will want him back.
I've not even told my mom about the issues, just that we would be teaching in different countries. She already had that disapproving look. Like she knows I'm a sinful, worthless wife. And that's one thing I've told myself to stamp down my unhappiness. I don't even believe that stuff anymore. I know what they will say when (and possibly if) I divorce my husband.
Anyway, is this abuse? Am I just some entitled woman who is too selfish to allow other to express themselves? That's what my husband says, that he has to walk on eggshells and that I'm not letting him feel anger. Or he oscillates from "poor me, men are only allowed to feel anger and now that's all I can express" to "why are you oppressing me".
I don't even know where I'm going with this. I guess an outside perspective from other C-ptsd friends would be nice.
Edit: I'm just pissed at myself for marrying my dad in sheep's clothes. Or maybe I am just a bitch.

Op- https://www.reddit.com/WritingPrompts/s/sWJUxDJ0SO
John’s left hand was squeezed white against the wheel of his old pick-up; he held his son, Alex, close with his other.
As they rattled down the uneven country roads, rain pelted their windshield with a fury. John continually glanced into the rearview. Thunder clapped at their back like the hands of god, and through the white flashes of lightning, he could make out a large barrel of rotating black smoke. Each time he looked, it seemed to have grown larger, and one singular thought repeated in his mind.
Make it to the cellar, he thought. Make it to the cellar.
He gripped his son tighter and pressed the accelerator with a heavy foot. The truck roared beneath them.
“Come on…” He muttered. He was driving nearly eighty.
“Dad?” Alex’s voice was small, and John could feel him trembling under his arm.
John rubbed his shoulder. “It’s okay, bud. We’re nearly there; it ain’t gonna get us.” Truthfully, though, he wasn’t sure if he believed the words himself.
“But Dad, I’m scared.”
Just then, a strong gust of wind punched the side of the truck, nearly sending it swerving into the ditch. With a squealing effort, John steadied it and accelerated faster. The boy’s head was now buried into his armpit. Limbs began falling from trees; scattered debris carpeted the roads.
John looked down at his son; he was still wearing his blue Little League uniform. All of this for a damn baseball game, he thought, then looked back at the road. He stomped the brakes. Alex screamed as they lurched forward and John stuck an arm out to keep him from flying into the windshield. The truck skidded sideways to a halt on the wet road. A giant oak tree, maybe eight feet in diameter, lay flat across their path.
“Fuck.” John muttered as he smacked the steering wheel with his palm. There wasn’t any getting around that.
He darted his eyes around wildly, looking for some sort of a solution—anything—but all he found was fear. The swirling column of dark wind was getting closer now, and his options were growing increasingly limited.
Then he noticed something. Just past the downed tree a green mile marker sign glowed back at him—the mile marker sign that’s about a half mile away from their house.
They were closer than they thought.
He grabbed Alex by the shoulders and looked him in the eyes. “We’re gonna make a run for it.
“What?” Alex asked, his eyes wide with terror.
“I know; I don’t want to either, but it’s our only shot. I—“
“No!” Alex shouted. He tried to say more, but the words just sputtered out in incoherent globs.
“Hey,” John said patiently, but Alex was in hysterics. John looked over his shoulder. Power lines were beginning to fall, and the transformers were popping into big blue sparks as they hit the ground. He looked back at Alex.
“HEY!” He shouted.
Alex stopped immediately and looked at him in surprise. He never yelled.
“Do you trust me?” He asked.
Alex moved his mouth, but no breath came to push the words out.
“Do you trust me?” John asked again, shaking the boy a little.
This time, Alex nodded yes.
“Okay, now listen. I’m going to pick you up, and we’re gonna run. I want you to close your eyes, and I don’t want you to open them until I tell you it’s okay. Do you understand?”
The boy nodded again, and a tear fell down his cheek as he closed his eyes.
John scooped him up and creaked the metal door open into the rain. Lightning continued to snap overhead; there was a metallic smell in the air, like burning wires, and the humidity was thick enough to choke a man.
He held the boy's head against his shoulder and started in a sort of half run to the driveway. Alex felt heavier than he used to, and it made him wonder just how long ago it was since he’d held him that way.
Cold rain whipped at their back, sticking their clothes to their skin like slick velcro. John spat the water from his mouth as he trudged forward blindly in the dark. His muscles started to burn. His feet snagged on branches, trash, and other debris that had blown in, threatening to trip him, and sudden dips or rises staggered him as his foot met only air where he expected solid earth.
John could feel the boy sobbing once more. “We’re almost there; we’re gonna make it.” He panted. This time, he really believed what he said. The driveway came into view as they rounded the last corner.
Limbs the size of cedar trees blew past them like confetti. One cracked John in the back of the head, sending him and Alex tumbling onto the ground. The pain was brilliant. For a moment, he saw white, but his vision quickly cleared, and he looked up at Alex.
Alex sat with his knees tucked to his chest, holding a scrape. His skin and clothes were covered in twigs, mud, and pine needles, and his face was twisted with fright—contorted like one of those dramatic masquerade masks as he rocked back and forth. His eyes were open now.
The twister roared behind them like a gasoline truck chugging up a hill. John scrambled to his feet. He scooped Alex into his arms, and started toward the house once again. His head was pounding, his muscles were on fire, blood was thudding against his ears, and that same thought from earlier continued to swim laps around his mind.
Make it to the cellar.
He pressed on, planting one solid foot into the ground at a time and marching forward like a well oiled machine.
Gravel crunched beneath his feet as he walked down the driveway; wind whipped their wet clothes like flags.
John shed Alex from his arms and looked down at the wooden cellar door. He tried pulling it open, but the wind shoved it back down. It was picking up even more now. Shingles began to be sucked from the roof, and John knew that if he didn’t get this door open, he and Alex would follow closely behind.
He pulled as hard as he could, grunting with the effort. Alex quickly joined him in the struggle, helping as much as a nine-year-old possibly could. It began to come up a little, but the wind was powerful.
John screamed and dug in harder. He had to get it open. He felt his muscles tearing beneath his skin, his joints cracking; he used every single ounce of his strength, and finally the door began to give. He pried it just far enough for them to fit.
“GET IN,” He shouted. The boy jumped inside, and John followed shortly after. The door slammed behind him with a smack that resembled a gunshot.
The cellar was dark. Screws and bolts and toolboxes filled with wrenches and other metal things shook and rumbled off of the shelves. A few baseball bats fell and clinked across the concrete floor. Up top, it sounded like a giant lawnmower was making quick work of the farmhouse, eating it up like it was little more than a stray blade of grass.
John’s head still throbbed, and he could feel warm blood trickling down the back of his neck. He was tired, breathing raggedly, and all of a sudden he had a very strong urge to go to sleep.
They held each other in darkness, sitting there for what seemed like an eternity, but just as quickly as it began, it was over. The roar lessened, quieted, then disappeared as it got further away.
The two looked at each other, both covered in dirt and debris, and John knew that everything was gone. He knew that the house was gone; he knew the farm was gone, and he knew that just about everything else he had ever worked for was torn to shreds in a matter of minutes.
But he looked at Alex, and when he saw the twinkle of life in his son’s eye, he breathed a sigh of relief. That was all that mattered. They sat for an hour in silence, not daring to step out until they were sure it was safe.
Eventually, rays of light began to beam through the cracks in the cellar door. John was the first to move. He walked to the door, flung it outward and shielded his squinted eyes to look outside.
The sky was blue. He hoisted himself upward and poked his head out.
His barn was still there. Bessie, his cow, was standing beside it, chewing on a mouthful of grass; all of the chickens strutted around the side of the barn, nearing the garden, which also looked untouched; the squash was even blooming. Behind him, their house stood tall, perfectly intact all the way up to the shingles.
The oddest thing of all was his farm pickup parked in the driveway—no worse shape than when they left for the ballgame.
John scratched his head.
“Dad?” Alex shouted.
“You can come up.” He said, puzzled.
Alex crawled out of the cellar in the same fashion as his father, and confusion dawned on his face as well. “It missed us?”
John shook his head. “No way it coulda missed us. I don’t really know what to make of it.”
He really didn’t. They saw the twister coming directly at them; they heard the house ripped to shreds right above their heads; the farm truck didn’t make it back to the house at all, for Christ's sake. It just didn’t make any damn sense.
A feminine voice called out to them—a voice John recognized at the first syllable. “John? Alex?”
“Vick..” He mouthed and whipped his head around. A tall woman with blonde hair was walking around the side of the porch, stepping as gracefully as a doe. Her eyes were as green as the pines behind her, and she gave a smile that held more reassurance than a million words could express.
She spread her arms wide. “My boys.” She said. John stood motionless, his mouth slightly agape. Alex pushed past him as he ran, “Mommy!” He shouted.
The woman wrapped the boy in a hug and lifted him from his feet. As she held his head against her shoulder, she pointed her eyes in John’s direction and held out her other hand.
He walked toward her, cautiously.
“John.” She said. “It’s me, I promise.”
John looked at her for a moment longer. He wanted to run to her, to wrap her up and lift her the same way she did Alex. For the past two years, there had been nothing in this world that he’d wanted more.
But his wife was dead. He watched as the cancer took her in 2014; he held her in his arms as she died in the hospital bed, yet there she stood—healthy and as real as the sun beating down on his neck. He reached a hand to the back of his head, feeling for the place where the branch whacked him.
But there was nothing—not even a tender spot.
He looked back up at his wife. “Are we…”
“Hush, dont think about it like that, John.” She smiled, “We’re together now.”
John staggered a little, staring down at his hands; his once farm hardened callouses were gone now, smoothed over with soft, healthy skin.
“I—“ He began.
“Get over here and hug me.”
He looked up; his wife looked back at him lovingly with her direct, green eyes, and for the first time in so long, he felt happy. A feeling he’d grown a stranger to. A grin tightened across his face, and he walked toward Vick as their old golden retriever ran panting toward them from across the yard, just like she used to, only now; she had all four of her legs.

I have consuming, debilitating health (and death) anxiety! When I say consuming and debilitating, I mean it - BAD. Well, I knew Reddit was out here because of my Googling my symptoms. I joined and joined this community, and I finally realize that I’m not alone! I’m not alone in my anxiety or in my symptoms. And, you aren’t either!
With that said, mine started with panic in December 2022. I was having random, untriggered panic attacks. Throughout January 2023, I was having at max six in one day. It was exhausting. My doctor eventually got it under control with medicine by mid-February 2023. By October 2023, it started creeping back in as health anxiety (and sometimes panic). Now I have a fear of dying and leaving my family behind. Every little symptom, I feel like I’m knocking on death’s door. I get constant head pressure like someone is squeezing my temples, which makes me think I’m going to pass out, which makes me fear being alone. My husband is my safe place - I hate being anywhere without him. And I know I drive him nuts with my symptoms. I used to be able to take off, just my kids and I, for days at a time, but now I can’t - my health anxiety says I’m going to fall out and leave them stranded. I know I can start my medicine back up, but I have anxiety about that too. Every chest pain, I’m certain is a heart attack. Every abdominal pain, I’m certain is appendicitis or cancer or a ruptured hernia. It’s so tiring.
But, with that said, it has helped somewhat to see that I’m not alone in this. I don’t know why we have to go through it, but it has helped to see that we can help each other out. When one of us is spiraling, someone who isn’t can reach out with a comment to reassure. I love the support that I’ve seen in this community and just everyone banding together. We may not have it all together, but wow, what support we can provide each other whenever someone is spiraling in their health anxiety. Thank you, everyone!

Well , it's been like forever , my mind have many things to work on , but , does it always? No. All I know that you will surely feel the guilt inside your mind , but you won't start. Just starting is not enough , you need to be consistent and patient towards the goal. For me all I know is the pain of guilt of not doing is so so so so so much more than the pain of understanding what I am doing and just doing it. Date: 1st June 2024. IST.

Hey everyone, I don't expect anyone to reply to this as it'll probably be shrouded by the other posts. Just needed somewhere to write it all down.
My life has never been good. I've had moments of happiness, even for extended periods of time, but never for longer than a few months at most. I grew up in a horrible environments in and out of CPS where my Mum finally got custody of me at age 3, after I remained in a foster home for around 6 months. My Mom tried so hard for me, even until she won her court case against my birth Father. Until I was around 12, I was raised in a fairly normal environment by myself. Most of my childhood I never endured abuse or anything like that. It wasn't until I was 12, shit got real. At that age, people deemed my problems invalid because I was so young and "it couldn't be that bad" or "other people have it worse". I could never tell my Mum because I didn't want to dissapoint her and make it seem like all her efforts were for naught. As such, I sat alone with my problems, occasionally talking to people online, but nothing helped. When I turned 13, I discovered herbal cigarettes for the first time. I would roll a herb (usually something that produced a relaxing effect or a minor hallucinagen) and smoke it on my porch when my parents weren't home. After I first tried it, I told myself, "It was a good stress reliever, but I'm not gonna do this again. It's bad for me." This cycle repeated daily for around a month. Eventually, my parents found out. Despite my worries, they weren't mad. But the dissapointment in my Mum's eyes were unreal.
This was the moment where I first lost my parents trust.
Eventually, I stopped, as my parents hid everything away from me. Because of this I never wanted to be at my house, so I was with a new group of "friends: I had made. There was this one guy, who I'll name John. John shared a lot of my common interests, and would talk to me during class and we'd hang out at the centre of our city pretty often, just us two messing around and having fun, like a bunch of 8th grade boys. This lasted for a few months. I had one of the best birthdays ever with him. Around a month afterwards, this man somehow tricked me into sending nudes to him. I'm a straight man. I thought this was another one of his jokes and we'd be chill afterwards.
I was wrong.
The next day, I went to school surrounded by weirded stares and comments on the situation. I knew then, that I seriously fucked up bad. I somehow got myself out of the situation by saying it wasn't me, but my friendship with John was diminished. Despite this, he was the only friend I actually hung out with consistently after that. I dealt with his remarks in the times in the future, which grew more and more consistent as the times went on. I knew I had to let him go after he told my principle that I had a weapon on me for self defense (which basically everyone in my city does), which nearly led to me being suspended. Eventually, I abandoned him all together, and ran with whatever little amount of pride I had left. I fell into a huge state of depression after this. Even my online friends didn't want me anymore. Someone had accused me of being a pedophile and falsified screenshots. I had no one.
One day, after school, a friend who I wasn't particularly close with wanted to hang out with me after school. He mentioned his parents had a cabinet full of alcohol.
Seeing no danger with this, I accepted without hesitation. This was my first experience with alcohol. I got wasted with him, and for the first time in months, my worries washed away. Eventually, this became a weekly occurance. I would tell my parents I was going to the park, but instead I would get drunk with my friend. This soon became the only way I could live without stress. Around this time, I became closer with an acuqainted friend and his friend group, who we'll call Terry and his friends. Terry was a chill guy. We didn't share all the same interests, but he liked me for who I was. He didn't care about my past. I became closer with his friends, too. Eventually this became my new friend group. Around the time I formed this new friend group, I stopped going drinking with my other friend. Not because I didn't want to, but because he stopped pestering me to hang out with him like he did the months before. Instead, the roles were reversed at that point. Me and this friend group started hanging out more, and more, and more.
During this time, I met my first love. It was online, but it felt like the best thing in the world. We were young, and stupid. She was beautiful. I remember first talking to her on the phone on the plane ride to my Uncle's wedding. I decided to myself that I really liked this girl. I wanted her more than anything. I remember she was the only thing I dedicated myself for. Something I felt was worth being there for. I finally felt like I had some worth for the first time in forever. I should mention this was slightly before the drinking thing. We talked, we called, we loved for two whole weeks. Towards the end, I made the stupid mistake of telling her that "if I didn't meet her I probably would've killed myself". This wasn't entirely true. I was depressed before talking to her, but I don't think I was suicidal. However, this seemed to be a problem for her. Apparently, she felt trapped. Thus, she left me. I remember having to hide my heartbreak from my parents. I shortly got over it, however, and met a new girl from my school. I realize now I didn't love her, I loved the idea of being in a relationship. I remember joking to my ex about how bad my girtlfriend at the time was. After a while, she found out I was following other girls on instagram. I denied it at first, but discovered it was an opportunity to pin a breakup on her not trusting me enough, so I used that reason and dumped her. She later told the whole school I was unloyal (which I wasn't, I didn't even talk to the girls I followed). She proceeded to post shitty photos of me on her tiktok account. I remember being fuming. If sonething so small was the worst of my problems now, I would be blissful happy right now. A few weeks afterwards, I got back with my first ex. This time, it was one sided. After just over a month, I began to look at girls in my class with desire. I completely broke it off with my ex, telling her I didn't love her anymore. Years later, I still regret this decision. She accepted this, and we remained friends. Every time I felt lonely, I would talk to her again, and we would begin talking like we were together again. This repeated for around 6 months. We kept talking until around a few months ago, where I discovered she blocked me out of nowhere. I believe it was out of respect for her new boyfriend, which I respect.
After we had broken it off for the final time, I began spending time outside of school with my new friend group. Slowly, we began to hang out more and more. I even found a new girlfriend, which I had found off of quick add on snapchat, lol. Around Christmas, things went downhill. My friends asked a personal question, which was whether my girlfriend had sent me explicit pictures (i thought it would make me sound cooler if I said yes), but then they caught me in the lie, and they immediately lost trust for me. I saw the same look in their eyes as I saw in my Mother. Distrust. I tried to salvage the friendship, but I new it wouldn't be the same ever again. It still isn't. I saw the cycle repeat itself. Like last time, I left my girlfriend because I lost interest. I began to become depressed again. I started vaping and drinking to escape the pain. I didn't care as much about my looks anymore. I remember having one of the worst heartbreaks of my life afterwards. I told myself I wouldn't date ever again. I still hung out with my friends, but we all knew inside that we didnt care for each other as much as we acted. For around a month, I lived life in a cycle. A depressed cycle. One day, I caught a glimpse of a girl in my class who was exactly my type in a woman, physically and mentally. I knew she was far too good for me. I barely talked to her, and didn't have her on any social media. I eventually got the courage one afternoon to add her on snapchat, after one of my friends gave me her snap. This was after a mutual friend informed me that she found me attractive, which I didn't buy. The night I added her, we talked, and I rememebr playing games with her and her friends. It was one of the best nights I've ever had. I fucked up my sleep sdchedule just to speak to her longer. I got to know her more, and more. She was the most beautiful and perfect girl in the world. My eternal bliss lasted for a week. I had ordered flowers to ask her out with and I had the whole thing planned out with her friends. I remember going to my first work shift, and coming home, and getting a message from her:
"Hey, I think I'm lesbian. It's not your fault, I promise. I'm so sorry."
I was heartbroken, I kept tryna suffocated myself over and over again. I asked her why, what her thought process was. She eventually tired of my questions and she said that I was being a dick about it. I ended up sending her a message later that day telling her that I was sorry for being a dick about it (I still don't know what I did wrong). I didn't go to school the next day. I remember avoiding her hard for the whole rest of the school term. I was insanely depressed afterwards, the worst I've ever felt. she was the best thing that ever happened to me. I tried weed for the first time afterwards, it was mesmerising. It nearly compared to the feeling of being with her. But it was only a temporary escape. As the weeks went on, I became more and more depressed. Then, my parents found out I smoked weed, and my own mother told the police (I still dont know if thats morally right and im overthinking it) and my whole family found out and now hates me. I'm scheduled to see them tomorrow. I'm being illegally overowkred by my job, and I can;t do anything about it. I didn;t show up today, I'm probably already fired. I tried a cigarette today, it was one last thing I wanted to know before I pass. I went to one last convension today, and asked God for a sign to keep living. I ended up meeting a girl, asking for her number, and she gave me her insta and messaged me "You really thought I'd date you? Not tryna be mean".
In three hours, it'll turn midnight. I'll go to a store, find nitrous oxide, and overdose on that. Asphyxiation isn't that painful. I have nothing at all.

Trigger warning: self-degrading; comparing oneself, taking relationship with F/O at an extreme face value, controlling
I want to make it clear that I’m not (exactly) asking for help on this, I’m already receiving help for many things and I plan to for this, too. I just want to vent about my crippling feelings and outlook for F/O with a community that revolves around folks who have feelings for fictional characters and the impacts it has. Maybe someone else here can relate and feel seen or heard. Putting this on a throwaway.
“You’re not F/O’s type,” “You wouldn’t be the first choice,” “You know F/O wouldn’t love or get with you,” “F/O’s not real,” “Fanon > Canon F/O!“ “I love shipping F/O x canon!” Yeah. I know.
I’ve loved him for over a year. He’s the most influential and powerful F/O I’ve ever had in my young (16-18) life so far. He’s given me strength, something to care and love as profoundly as I do when I’ve lost hope in the real world from everything I’ve been through. Yet after all this time, all the changes I went through, I still am deeply, deeply bothered with almost anything correlating to him.
Does he have traits I never expected of him? I have mixed feelings on him. Specific headcanons? Annoyed. What about relationships with other characters? Especially implied feelings? My mood is ruined. He’s not real, he’d never love you the way you want him to, and you’d not be his first choice? (You’re inferior to him and any love interests or ships; they’re all better than you.) It can take me days to go back to feeling better. I’m sorry, but the lengths of impact it has on me goes beyond things I wish to dive deeper into; “bad” is an understatement.
It’s like I have an urge to go back to my old habits and control my partner, the relationship, other people. But I do what I can to resist; because that’s not right. Regardless, what’s left behind is this extremely painful, especially physically, hollowing feeling of sorrow in my chest.
Denying the reality that he’s fictional wouldn’t feel right. Him being fictional is what makes the relationship feel special unlike anything else. But being told, “he’s with you, now! You’re the one he chose. In another universe, you two are together!” Doesn’t help ease any pain. In my eyes and beliefs: no. He hasn’t chosen me, he’s not with me; he’s fictional. He literally can’t consent or not consent, tell me his real feelings about my situation, me.
Our relationship is 100% without a doubt, one-sided. It’s like dating a celebrity but they have no idea about you; like I’m some parasocial stalker. I am willing to believe that yes, there is a chance he’d chose me (due to some of his choices being player-oriented), but I wouldn’t be his first. Especially since he meets others way before me—a living, breathing human—that catch his eye in source. That is a fact. In my heart, I wish to treat him as if he were physical, but my mind knows it cannot deny the truth.
Any time I feel horrible about this, I just consume more of him to feel better. Greed, gluttonous, obsessed. Anything of the sort. I haven’t lost sight on why I love him as profoundly as I do, but jealousy and inferiority does, in a way.
Maybe I’m being too harsh on myself and have severe low self-esteem. Maybe I’ve gone too deep into escapism all my life. I’m probably projecting with a clouded mindset rather than remembering how he is as a person. But I want our relationship to be transparent for what it is in this universe, this reality. I’m sorry for rambling or for anything that was “too much said,” but I can’t keep any of this bottled for another year or however long.

He got the "final" diagnosis last august, passed in february. He was in and out of hospice but there was some comfort in the time before his passing, when he was able to stay at home for a full month until he got a heart attack and passed the night he was taken to a hospital. That at the very least, he didn't spend his final weeks in a hospital.
Anyway, I just wanted to write and rant about how life's been. At the four month mark, life is starting to feel more normal. The sadness weighs heavy and it's always there but as it's commonly described as the crashing waves, the waves do come farther apart. And there's time to heal and breathe and live in between. Happy announcements don't feel like a kick in the stomach anymore - at the beginning, the joy of others felt crushing and unfair. Now a dear friend is pregnant and I'm excited for them and at times, excited for the future. I keep one of my dad's old photos at my desk, a one where he's a young lad in a car with his friends. At first it felt like it just made it more difficult to work, to have that constant reminder there. Still does, a lot of times. But it's there because I don't want to push the grief away, I believe that facing it is the only way to get to the good parts.
I'm trying to stay positive and appreciative of the memories, but my heart goes to all of you - watching the hopeless fight knowing death is at the finish line was the worst thing I experienced. We're all doing our best, be kind to yourselves. For weeks I ruminated on the funeral, picking apart every single thing I may have done wrong, wallowing in shame, putting myself down on the stupidest things - such as not getting a gravestone or a cross - like my dad would've wanted me to go into more debt as a student and by an expensive gravestone right away (There was no heritance, only debt). But the funeral was wonderful, an intimate occasion with friends and family, and did my dad justice.
As my father said to me; "All I hope is that you won't be so sad." I'm trying my best to be happy in between the sadness. I'm not sure what the point here is, maybe that it does get a little easier, and that there is comfort in knowing there's no pain, and that the only thing to do now is to live like your close one wanted you to - regardless of the pain. I believe the biggest strength and courage in life comes from that, to not close off your heart but to keep it open.
Weeks before my dad passed and after, I found a lot of comfort from Duncan Trussel's podcast episode with his mom, who passed away only weeks from cancer after the episode was aired: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2j0POiqOaGw
Really recommend it. Take care <3

Hello!
I (25f) am writing this because I truly don’t know where else to turn and would like to know if someone has seen this or experienced this before.
About 2 months ago, behind my right ear randomly swelled up significantly. It was very puffy and tender to the touch. I went to a rapid clinic and she diagnosed me with an outer ear infection and prescribed me some drops, the swelling and infection eventually went down. As that was healing, my throat started to get progressively more sore and red, mostly on the right side. It started to really bother me so after about 3 weeks I went back to the clinic. I was tested for the flu (negative) and strep throat (negative). I was told it was probably allergies and to start taking Claritin and to wait for it to start raining more for it to go away. I did this for 4 weeks to no avail.
Eventually, the pain gets so bad I schedule an appointment with my GP. The lymph node on the right side of my neck gets very swollen and uncomfortable as well. I get tested for strep and the test is “faintly positive”. The doctor showed me the test but honestly I’m not sure what I was looking at. Anyways, I get prescribed a course of Amoxicillin, which does little to nothing to alleviate my symptoms. I then get put on Azithromycin, which seemed to help a little bit, but not completely. After I was done with that course, things just got right back to where they were. I went back to the doctor, got retested for strep, covid, flu, etc and was negative for everything. I was told to gargle with saltwater and to give it some time, but I feel like I have given it 2 months of time! She did say it was weird that it was only on one side.
I am wondering if anyone has ANY ideas or has seen this before? I’m not sure if I should be advocating for myself harder, as this pain is getting to be pretty intense. I know I should stay away from Dr. Internet, but I haven’t found anything like this on there, and anything I do find is suggesting it to be throat cancer. I’m trying not to go worst case scenario, but genuinely am at a loss for what this could be. I requested a referral to an ENT, but in the meantime I feel pretty uneasy.

I am a dumpee and as of right now, my ex is already with someone else after 1 month of our break up; she’s a fearful avoidant and has some mental health issues like ptsd, major depressive disorder, and bipolar. I broke up with her 2 months ago because i already hurt her a lot and i thought that it was the right decision that time; before that break up happened, we’ve got to many issues already but we did tried to fixed those that time not until i made some sort of mistake that hurt her a lot; i would def admit that it was my fault yet at the first place she also has something to do with it. Days before i initiated the break up, we got that conflict and she was so mad at me that time; i’ve tried to apologize many times but she ignored it; days have passed after i apologize, she finally reached out to me saying that she have forgave me and ready to fixed everything despite of everything i did for the sake of our rs however, i refused and totally broke up with her. After initiating the break up, she eventually agreed and left me hopeful saying that “we never know the future holds, we might still end up together.” After that convo, we undergo to no contact for almost about 2 weeks, I’m surprised that she texted me again; when i saw that message, i got totally shattered into pieces and it deeply sank my heart. She said there that she had moved on already, she no longer have feelings for me and can’t see her future with me anymore. Imagine how it deeply hurt me, the last time we talked we’re okay then now what?? I can’t describe my emotions that time, it felt like i was on a roller coaster :(( after that we undergo to no contact again for another 3 weeks, this time we had a chance to meet up and talked after a month. She talked to me that day like nothing happened and say that she’s already with someone else :(( i can tell that it was the most painful thing that ever happened to me, i thought i already moved on but then i feel devastated again. Now we’re under no contact again, after that day, i never contact her as a respect to myself and healing process. It’s been 3 weeks now and i can say that I’m slowly feeling better but i can’t deny that sometimes, i’m longing to my ex and i still feel the pain of our break up. I don’t know if these things are right, however after watching a lot of psychologist and professionals, i truly got hopes and been trying to cope with it; they said that it’s really the avoidant’s behaviour…they’re good at suppressing their feelings and emotions that’s why they are seemingly very happy right now with their rebound; however those things wouldn’t last according to professionals since those are just a distractions to them. Does anyone have the same situation like me?? I still feel helpless sometimes :<<

Posting here because I want to remain as anonymous as possible. For the past few years every time my husband and I are intimate I end up hurting my back. We’ve tried all the recommended positions and changes and I see a physical therapist, so I’m not necessarily looking for advice on that. The cycle is usually we plan to be intimate the day before I go to physical therapy. I usually hurt my back to varying degrees and then my PT will fix it back up the following day. Usually she realigns my back and hips, does dry needling, massage and electrical stimulation. It’s hard because I love being intimate with my husband, but every night after sex I am in a lot of pain getting up most the night to massage it, ice it and use lidocaine patches.
I probably will talk to a priest about this, but being a woman talking about it is really uncomfortable for me. Basically I just wish we could still have the connection of intimacy without all the pain. I know mutual masterbation is forbidden and it frustrates me sometimes. I feel like sometimes if we were protestants we could have the intimacy without me suffering so much. Like I understand the churches teachings and don’t need them explained. I don’t know what I am looking for here really. Maybe just prayer. Maybe encouragement. Thanks for reading.

It's been just over 3 weeks since we broke up, 2.5 years into what we thought would be a forever together. I am doing a lot better than the 1st week, and the 2nd. Our relationship was tortuous at the start, life threw too many things at us too quickly too early on.
Broke up due to incompatibilities, honestly we are both still too immature, me 24 him 27, too insecure, and too tired. Both have a lot to work on. He didn't feel certain about me anymore, didn't see me in his future.
8 days after the break up I wrote him a letter and sent it accidentally, telling him that I understand that our break up was necessary, but that I hope it will only be temporary. Told him that it was fate that we had met, and that I am grateful for everything we have been through together.
He replied saying that he feels the same. That his only comfort is his hope that one day we will meet again. His belief that we are fated to meet again. The letter was heart felt.
I feel confused, how can someone that wasn't certain about me say all this?
I just want to be able to focus on my own life. I miss him so much. I still feel a sort of connection to him, or maybe it is a connection to my own heart. I'm not sure, but it feels like a connection to a soulmate. I know this post is written poorly, I just feel too tired to talk about it all. I feel drained. I've immersed myself with my family and friends, I've rested, I've let myself cry and grieve. I'm so very tired.
One of the lessons I'll learn from this is to just let life happen. I can tend to my own garden, and that's the only thing I can do. I can't decide who will come by and smell my flowers, I can only make sure I take care of them and let them thrive. This lesson is the toughest, to live with uncertainty, to learn to give myself security.
I deserve someone better, he does too. I hope it'll be a better him and a better me; a better us.
Often times this doesn't feel real, it feels like I'll see him at the end of this painful journey. The reality is that I might not and that I probably would not.
I see online people saying that every second that goes by is time that he chooses to be without me. I'm not sure if I am naive or not, but I do see where he's coming from. We weren't working and it would be bad for us to continue desperately clinging onto each other. I don't want to be too kind, I don't want to be too naive, but why do I feel like it was kind for him to leave me, that he didn't want to but needed to?
Why does love hurt so much?
One moment I feel fine, almost like he never happened, the next I feel like I died. I think the only thing that keeps me going is the hope that we will be once again. I've tried so hard to be better, to think better, but deep down, I want nothing more than for us to be once again.
I want to just flush all my feelings away, date other people. But I know it won't be good for me. I have to work on myself and my issues. I have to learn to be ok alone.
I can share the letter if anyone wants to decode or analyze it. I'm not exactly sure what I want from this post. I guess any advice or insight or experience would be appreciated.

It’s been 8 weeks since I was left by him for the 2nd time. Blindsided, totally out of the blue both times. No arguments, no struggles in the relationship, no signs. Nothing- as far as I was aware we were completely and blissfully in love and happy together.
He left me with the same bullshit surface level excuses as he did the first time. We have been together for years.
“I need to be alone” “You deserve better” “I can’t give you what you deserve” “I need to heal”
Blablablablabla, the list goes on. The first time he came back (a year and a week later) once I had started to move on - he promised he was ready, he was choosing me, choosing us, every day. He contacted each of my family members to apologise for his actions, to apologise for the pain he caused me and all of us. That he would communicate with me.
Though this 2nd break up isn’t as hard as the first in some ways. As the first time I lost my home (because we lived together), I lost my car (because going to live alone I couldn’t keep a big fancy car) I still feel a whole massive fucking amount of pain. Unfortunately, we had to have a termination of a pregnancy at the start of the year, due to some medication that he is currently taking that causes birth defects and we chose not to take that risk on the baby or on me. He left only a few weeks after I had stopped bleeding. Baring in mind, the whole time I was going through this and obviously was emotional he was telling me that WE will have our chance again, WE now know WE work, it will be in OUR future just this wasn’t the time for US.
Looking back, he was clearly triggered, it scared him. He ran. The fear of growing up, having a little life to look after.
I am 30 next month. This is far from what I would expect my life to be like. I have a good job, a beautiful home, a car, the full works- but this second break up with someone I love completely with every part of myself and the termination has completely knocked the wind out of me this year.
When we got back together, it was incredible. We were better versions of us, which shocked me because we were amazing the first time. It was wonderful. He was (and despite this) still is an amazing man. He unfortunately suffers from childhood trauma like myself- but when he gets triggered he runs, legs it, drops me and literally detaches himself from me to prevent him from looking inside and seeing what the root cause is. I know exactly what it is, he has told me numerous times that it scares the shit out of him how much I know him and sometimes I know him better than himself.
The whole year (and a week) we were split up the first time I had this deep deep knowing he was coming back. And he did, despite everyone around me basically calling me mad because I was so sure of it. This time, I feel exactly the same. I know he is coming back. When, I don’t know. But he will.
Whether or not you believe in attachment theory or not, I know he is an avoidant. DA to be exact. I won’t go in to every single thing to why and his actions, but he is. I am in therapy, and I spoke to my therapist about it (she also specialises in attachment issues) and she had told me I hit the nail on the head with what I think. I refuse to bash him or any one who has this attachment style - but I just wish he could see why he does the things he does, why he gets triggered, look inside himself and the answers are there.
This has been long, I could keep going but I will stop. To be fair I don’t even know why I’m writing this. I suppose for some release. To tell some strangers on the internet what I’ve been going through. It’s shit. I hate it. I’m just in a whole lot of pain, and I’m terrified of the time that is being lost between us. That my body is ticking. And so on.
If you managed to get this far, thanks for listening to me yap and getting some of it out.

Does anyone else feel that? Preparing the simplest meals and cleaning up is too much of a job, it can waste a 100% of my energy for a day making and eating one meal. It's like digesting this ball of food is not what my body was designed for, I get really tired, nauseaus, may get a migraine now or tomorrow.
I had a bad PTSD episode for the last month and I had so little to hold myself together I had to eliminate all sensory suffering possible. So I only drank tea with milk and ate room temperature snacks in small pieces but often, expecting to feel like shit afterwards because it's bad for health. I ate sunflower seeds, muffin cut into small cubes and so on. I had significantly less migraines that month, didn't feel so much pain in body, wasn't bloated. Once a week I could go outside and eat a meal at a fast food or cook something very simple and healthy to sustain my body within the standard practice of eating.
I remember reading something about a blood circulation condition that many autistic people have that can affect digestion as well and blood flowing to stomach or something and it being not evenly distributed in body, I didn't read carefully into this. I wonder how many others here feel like eating is way more complicated than just chores/texture, but to a point where you need to have a completely different concept of eating because it makes your physical health worse if you eat "as you should".

I'm starting to worry about my boyfriend [M22]. We've been together 2 years. I [F25] was pretty sick a few weeks ago and couldn't see him - usually we see each other every week but I asked to rest since I was ill.
He has this annoying habit where he will press to see me as much or as early as possible, even if I get less sleep because of it. So he kept pressing to look after me, etc, and I thought initially this was him being "nice" but clingy. But then the night before he had talked about what he wanted to do with me sexually and something clicked: Does he actually just want to see me for sex?
My boyfriend has a weird relationship with sex, kind of. He used to masturbate non-stop, which I put down to usual teenage horniness. When we first met he couldn't cum, which I didn't care about, but in hindsight this was probably due to death grip / masturbating too much because he has referenced that since. He now forces himself to masturbate less so he can cum more easily during sex and that's fine. He still looks at porn often and thinks about sex constantly, which I assumed was because he is naturally very horny. He has mentioned that he considers all this an "issue" and he wishes he could engage in it less.
So with context provided - I started wondering, is the reason he wants to see me so much while I'm sick is because he still wants to have sex? And I realised I felt pressured to fuck him even when I'm ill. I didn't want to see him because I was thinking, "God, if I see him, I'm gonna have to fuck and I feel exhausted."
We have had issues in the past with this, where my vagina has literally been physically painful from overuse and he would still ask for more sex. I always found it weird that I had to repeatedly explain why I couldn't. We have sex multiple times a day and it seems he only wants to stop when his dick physically stops working or he's too tired. He's asked for sex even when he isn't horny enough to cum.
He's woken me up when I'm half asleep for sex too, which always seemed inappropriate to me. He's made comments before like "as long as we are always having sex, I don't care about anything else." Oh, also we met through a random hook up. I sometimes wonder if he would have ever fallen in love with me had I not given him a constant supply of sex, but I don't know if that's insecurity on my part.
My question is, where is the line? Between being naturally very horny as a young man and addiction? Have I somehow enabled this by not having strong boundaries? Is he just clingy and genuinely wants to spend time with me non-stop and I have just made this into a weird paranoia about it all being just about sex?
I don't know, I feel lost. I'm just looking for opinions. Thank you. I love him but I'm worried.
TLDR; boyfriend asks for sex even during inappropriate times (half-asleep, sick etc.) and wants to see me non-stop because he misses me (but with the expectation of sex). Also has previous issues with too much masturbation / porn use / not cumming from death grip. Is he a sex addict or just clingy?

In most relationships, the last thing a couple intends to do is part ways with their partner. After making an in-depth decision, taking numerous risks, and asking yourself tough questions about your feelings and how you two plan your future together, who would have wanted to break up? As most couples do, they've had highs and lows in their relationship. However, if the worst were to happen, their bond may shatter, and they would go completely separate ways. The most devastating period after a breakup is the morning after—well, given my experience. You can literally feel the emptiness in your soul, and as the day passes, you'll gradually feel the heaviness of the way the thought that it's over finally sinks in.
I have an ex-girlfriend whom I shouldn't name. We were blockmates, and she was the first friend I made before attending college. We shared comparable viewpoints and sentiments even before we developed a deeper connection. And I knew. When I first saw her, I knew she was going to be mine. I liked her the first time I saw her in person. I like how soft-spoken she is, how she listens to my stories, and everything she does has become special to me. To cut a long story short, months after college began, that little happy crush feeling grew deeper, to the point where I mustered the courage to take the biggest risk of my life. I confessed. Surprisingly, she confessed too, and it only took us a week to make it official. It wasn't the healthiest relationship in town, and I'm not sure whether it was genuine for both of us. But I knew I loved her more than anything. We never took the relationship thoroughly, given that it was both of our first relationships. By this, we only lasted three months. We started dating in the month of September, and she ended things with me shortly after the new year.
The first breakup aches like hell. Given that we were blockmates, I was able to survive months in a very suffocating environment. It hurts to see her invest energy in others that she hasn't given to me. It hurts to see how she treats her friends as opposed to how she treats me. We still talked at the time, but only when it was convenient for her. When it was months later and we still had a connection, things became complicated. Another girl entered the picture. The moment I found out about this, she and my ex-girlfriend had already separated. I attempted to distance myself after learning the information, but because I was a fool for her and couldn't say no when she suggested that we go out alone to complete our tasks on a specific subject, I agreed. This was the day I decided to take a chance again if she gave me signals. I tried to disregard what happened to the other factors that got involved in our complicated relationship.
We started dating again after nearly five months of being separated.
We were supposed to be in our eighth month when she broke up with me, and she merely gave me one reason: she got bored with our relationship. I asked her if there was anything wrong with me, and she responded no. During those months, I attempted to give my all without demanding anything in return, even though I believed I deserved more than she contributed to our relationship. I tried to be pleased as a low-maintenance girlfriend, but lowkey craved constant reassurance, "just because" presents, random compliments, and other things I do for her. And here I thought we were growing while pushing each other to be the best possible versions of ourselves. I noticed her improvement over the first few months of our relationship, but as we went on, she relapsed to her old nature, similar to my first ex-girlfriend, who broke up with me after a three-month relationship. At first, I felt I could still fix what we had, but when she begged me to let her go, it was a sign for me to stop.
And as I was writing this, it was only the morning after she broke up with me for the second time. I'm writing this to help me move ahead and to express the things that have been on my mind since the time I woke up. I'm trying to persuade myself that I did nothing wrong and that I wasn’t the one who ruined our relationship.
She never sincerely asked for forgiveness, but I knew that even before she could apologize, I had forgiven her. Perhaps it was because of love. We may never forget the pain that they caused, but love will be the reason we forgive them. However, I still wanted to thank her for loving me for an extended period of time. I will continue to cherish the time we spent together, and I will never regret that I once called you mine.
was written last february and finally decided to post it here now that I've moved on. :))

Hi I just came across a novel, chosen by the moon novel by izabella W. Its on pay by chapter websites, I've opened and read a few chapters but I can't seem to find any free version or chapter version anywhere. Please help. If anyone has read it I'm willing to take spoilers. Here's the advert I found below of it on Facebook.
Lycanthrope species is a disgusting race. And I, Delan Riley, am nothing more than a human scum in their eyes never expected those species would turn my world upside down. Since when the lycans managed to penetrate our town, like in the early 1900's we have a hierarchy, upper class = the lycans, middle class = mated humans, and lower class = the normal humans, who were basically considered scum. I endured their torment day after day, vowing to run away from them one day, until that day came and everything changed.
Dylan POV "Humans," I scowled at the principal's words from tannoy. "The Alpha twins will be celebrating their birthday tomorrow, as such, festivities are in order." Oh great, the Alphas twin children. Adrian and Arya are the worst lycans alive. I swear just because they are the alphas kids they literally get away with everything. If their birthday is tomorrow, then the wolves are going to be worse than ever. "All students will be present to greet them, two lines will be made, with humans on the left and the lycanthrope on the right. Any mated human will be at the front of the line for their year, you will all also be in order of your school year. That is all." Chat broke out the minute the tannoy was finished. "We haven't had a school gathering since the alpha king visited three years ago, before his sons coronation." Nick was right, the last time we all gathered like that was for the king and queens visit, when he decided to let the world know that he was to renounce his title to his only child, son Josh. "That sick bestard, he wants to make sure everyone is there so those idiot twins can find their mates." Yes I was mad, my fists connected with the table in front of me once more as I thought about how disgusting the situation was. You see the twins will be turning 17, so it's very possible someone in our school could be their mate, finding a mate is sacred to a wolf, the minute they say that one word your fate is sealed. They will turn your mind, morph you into being a lover of their kind, and then you'll give in.

That won't happen to me, I'm growing old to see the world as it once was, and I'm going to choose who I'll be with. No one will take that dream away from me.

Once dinner was finished, I just wanted to sleep. I'd had a very long tiring day, I quickly sat down on a small stool my mother kept in the storage closet and removed my shirt while my brother Freddy sat at the table to do his simple homework. It wasn't long before my mother came in with a large bowl of warm salt water and some cotton, this was going to sting I just knew it. She was here to help me with the wounds caused by wolves yesterday. She slowly began to unwrap the bandage from around my torso and slowed down drastically when it came to the final layer, I felt it peel off every wound and my fists clenched in pain. "Jesus!" I heard my mom exclaim once the dressing was completely removed. The air on my back was nice though and I sighed as my arm covered my once again exposed brests. "This is more than 15!" I began to hear sniffles coming from her and sighed turning round to look at her face, only to notice tears streaming down it. "Mom I'm fine, it's alright." She shook her head. "It's not alright, I'm your mother I shouldn't let these things happen. I'm so sorry. Your father would have..." here she goes again. Every single time something happened she'd always bring up dad, it really annoyed me because no matter how much we all wish he was here, he just isn't. My father was kiled by THEIR kind, almost 5 years ago when they actually managed to take over. When the lycans managed to penetrate our town my father rose up with some people from the neighborhood, to defend our livelihood, it was futile to say the least. We lost many people and I watched as my dad was ripped apart by two fully shifted wolves, I ended up shoting him to stop his suffering before they dragged me to the courtyard, i was the person to receive the first lashing of the town when I was 12! The wolves have been pretty strict with me since that day. "Stop being stvpid!" Was I harsh? Definitely! Did she need to hear it again, absolutely. "Dad is dead, we don't know what he'd do because he never knew this life. He never knew this world." I know what he'd have done, most likely attacked the guy who held the whip and got himself kiled in the process. "The best thing you can do for me, is stop crying and help me, next time don't insist on helping if you can't handle it." She began to wash my open wounds with the warm salt water causing loud winces to leave me, I knew it was necessary to prevent infection, but my god it hurt like a betch. "Some of these are really deep Dylan!" She sniffed again and my eyes rolled in my head. "I told you, I'm fine, just wrap me back up so I can get to bed." My mom was obviously more impacted by my injuries than I was, I suppose that always the case though. When it's happening to you, you've just got to get through it but when it's happening to someone you love, you just want to take their pain away. She quickly placed a fresh bandage around my waist and chest and wrapped it tightly for compression. The bowl of water that was used was now red in color, I guess from the blood my back was dripping with. "Can you keep your head down please? At least just this week. You can't take any more lashings." I simply nodded before standing up away from the stool, I walked over to Freddie and ruffled his hair in affection. "Good night squirt." He giggled and fixed his hair slightly. "Night Dilly." I smiled walking upstairs to my little bedroom, as soon as I was inside i shut the door and flopped down on to my bed on my stomach and I took a minute to cry to myself at the pain in my back, what my mom did was important but it hurt, not that I'd ever tell her. My hand covered my mouth quickly to muffle any noise I might be making. I couldn't tell anyone, I had to be strong because more and more people were crumpling these days, and my mom would break if she knew how much I was suffering. Sleep followed me shortly after, she was right though about me needing to keep my head down for the time being, I could not take another lashing! After a long night and an even longer morning, we were all finally stood in the hallway at school waiting for the twins to arrive. "Mine!" Everyone that was stood in the hallway tensed up, as we were seniors, me and Nick were stood towards the very back of the human line. All the mated people were situated directly opposite their wolf mates in their years. We stayed silent and still as Arya walked down the hall and stopped directly in front of Nick. His eyes widened in fear, unsure of wether to look up or keep his head lowered. "Look me in the eye, mate." He glanced at me slightly as if asking what he should do. "I said, look me in the eye." He slowly moved his eye line up to look at her face. I took a glance myself to see her eyes pitch black with lust. "I... can't... I mean... erm." Before he was able to mutter anything else, two wolves from opposite, grabbed him out of the line and dragged him behind Arya. "Hey!" My head shot up before I could stop myself. My mouth also forgot its place as I jumped out of line. Everyone's head shot to me as my eyes widened in realization at what I'd done. Adrian, the other twin, walked up to me before punching me right in the stomach, I doubled over instantly. Feeling the sting in my slightly healed back. "I know you... You were publicly flogged only two days ago." God I hate this guy. "I also have it on good authority, that you openly spoke out against our rules and regulations in yesterday's class." My head shot down the line slightly to see Erin, looking a little frightened, her mate, the beta to be was looking at her, nodding his head in reassurance. "You traitor, you grassed on your own kind?" I yelled at her before feeling a fist connect with my cheek. My head whipped to the side from the force, while my class members gasped. I'm so done with this treatment, right then, I wasn't in charge of my actions. My fists curled up and my stance became a lot more defensive. My head snapped up to the alpha to be, and I looked him in the eye. "You don't know the meaning of the word disrespect." I suddenly hurled my fist towards his head, which he easily dodged, but my foot came up and kicked him instead. He stumbled backwards from the force with wide eyes. "You... you Actually hit me!" He didn't even sound annoyed, more shocked. Everyone in the hallway was watching, waiting for the alpha to do something but instead he simply stood up straight, regaining his composure. "I think everyone should get back to class." He began to walk away, following his sister when I called him back. "What about Nick?!" "Simple, He's my sisters mate. He now belongs to her." Argh, he's not an object. "He's not her property." A chuckle left his mouth, before turning his back to me again. "All humans are property." A short while later everyone made it to science class, our teacher Mrs Mathews is mated to the lycans pack doctor, she also now has a four and two year old with him. She was one of the first humans to be cohered into a false relationship. "What were you thinking young lady?" I rolled my head at her before looking at the empty seat next to mine. Nick was with that stvpid wolf girl right now. Being changed, I'm so angry it's ridiculous. "I was thinking, this guy is being a prick. Did you hear him? 'All humans are property.' It's bull shet." I looked up and the whole class looked at me like I had three heads. Talking shet about wolves is one thing, but talking about an alpha is punishable by death, attacking an alpha is an even worse offense. There was then a knock at the door and in walked Erin and her band of mated bestards. "Sorry we're late Mrs." "Erin, how are things between you and bata Monroe?" She blushed, the traitor actually blushed at the mention of his name. "He spoke to me last night about trying for a baby. We need a good strong boy to take over as beta." I scoffed looking at her as she took her seat. "You guys are actually pathetic, why can't it be a girl? Those mutts are basically Neanderthals" I voiced my opinion and saw all the shocked faces around me. Calling the lycans mutts, is the same as them calling us scum. After lesson had ended the entire school was called into the hall for assembly. This is where any human who has been found to have broken the rules were punished, usually 10 lashings were goven out or something similar. "Welcome to the school assembly, congratulations to the alpha twins for finding both your mates. Now on to the business at hand, as the 5 year anniversary of the new world is coming up, we have been informed that the alpha king will be visiting our district next week, this is very exciting news. We want you all to look your absolute best, she wolves and mated females will wear exemplary dresses made by seamstress. Male wolves and mated men will wear tailored suits. Anyone who doesn't comply will be reprimanded." The Alpha King?! No one has met him yet, he took over the throne three years ago when he turned 18. He really didn't make any appearances though, great, this month is going to be a nightmare. "As for the humans, you will be given a new uniform to wear for the visit, these are to be neatly ironed and worn to the highest standard. As for the following humans, based on your attitude this past week, you will be coming to the front and facing punishment. Tony summerset?!" Tony's head shot up as he looked around, he was in the year below but he shared my views when it came to the lycans. He slowly walked up to the front of assembly, almost instantly his top was t0rn in two and he received 10 lashings. A girl named Kara was next and she too received 10 lashings. A few more people went up slowly accepting their fate then suddenly my name was called. "Dylan Riley." Inside I was terrified but I simply shrugged my shoulders, I guess I did kind of expect this. Although I'm not sure if my back can take any more damage. "You attacked an alpha, correct!" His eyes bored into mine as I bowed my head submitting to his authority. "Technically, no." Everyone in the school gym looked on in fear, as my head moved to the front row of the wolf side. Adrian sat, with a werewolf girl in the year below, her name was Jana, I guess he found his mate. Nick and Arya were no where to be seen though. Adrian gave me a shrug as if to say he didn't tell, before smirking at my comment. "He hasn't officially taken the alpha title yet, so he's just..." i looked at the principle and noticed his eyes black and his claws out, he was in what lycans call a half shift, triggered when the subject has become angered. He turned to two security wolves and gave them a nod, Almost immediately i was forced onto my knees, my arm was slammed on a table and held in place by one wolf, while my body was held in place by the other. "Ok, I don't think this is needed, I have alpha blood, a stvpid human girl can't hurt me." My head snapped to Adrian who had stood up in front of the school to stop what was happening. "Nevertheless, humans need to know their place." With that the pressure on my arm increased as our principals hand pulled my sleeve up before a long claw punctured my skin. The searing pain shoting from the fresh wound had my eyes scrunched and my fist clenched, I bit the inside of my cheek hard instantly tasting blood, however no sound left my mouth. He continued to write, using my skin as a canvas and his claws as a marker, it went on forever, my vision blurred slightly at one point as I turned my head away. After minutes of torture, he was done and the pressure on my arm eased, instantly I snatched my arm away, hissing through my teeth at the pain. I was about to scurry off stage, when I was roughly grabbed yet again, my arm being held in the air by the principal while my feet were inches off the floor, blood dripped from the wound and the pattern he had made was on show for everyone to see. Loads of people gasped, even the wolves looked slightly horrified at what had happened. "This is what happens when a human decides to speak out. I can promise, anyone who so much as says one word about our way of life, will have the same punishment." My arm was starting to seriously ache from being held in the air for so long, and the lack of blood flow to my suspended arm was causing me pins and needles, still I refused to make a sound. I held the tears back and I bit my cheek harder causing more blood to fill my mouth. "That's enough Bradley!" Adrian growled, he was still stood up and looking at the scene in front of him. His eyes hard as he stared at the principal a low warning growl erupted from his chest which had the head teacher gulping, he quickly let go of my arm causing me to crash to the floor. A small cry left my mouth as I hit the hard floor. Immediately I scrambled away, my foot just missed the high step leading to the stage and I fell, waiting for the impact of the ground, but it never came. Two strong arms wrapped around me catching my weak body causing me to look up, my eyes widened as I noticed Adrian had caught my falling form. "This isn't part of the human punishment program!" Adrian growled causing me to tense in his grip, I pushed him away from me before fixing my uniform top. The room was deadly silent, taking in the scene in front of them, while I stole a glance at my forearm. Carved into my skin by his devastating claws were two words, words that would most definitely scar my body for life. 'Human scum' "Lessons must be learned, she received lashing merely two days ago, and clearly it had no effect on her." Another growl left Adrian's chest as he stepped on to the stage, I wasn't bothered though, you would think I'd be ashamed but I simply smiled slightly. I fixed my sleeve a little so it wouldn't rub on the fresh wound before speaking. "It doesn't matter," the whole room looked at me shocked by my attitude. "I would rather be labeled human scum, than have any resemblance to your kind. I'm proud of what I am, how many of you can say that?" After my amazing little speech, I walked right down the middle between the humans and lycans and out the door. No more compliance, I'm going to get away with as much as I can without getting into too much bother. There will come a day when the lycans power will fizzle out. When it does I'll be ready, I'll be waiting for the day we take our world back. As for the best part about my plan...

No one can stop me.

"Ouch, not so hard." I seethed as the school nurse cleaned my new wound with antiseptic. "If you had of just kept your mouth shut, this wouldn't have happened." I turned to my right looking out the window at the few clouds that were floating in the blue sky. "Like I said, I'm proud to be human, and now everyone knows what I am." I clenched my fist together as the nurse began wrapping a bandage around my forearm. It had been a good few hours since the incident in the hall, and I had been forced to come to the nurces office after I had tried to clean my wound by splashing it with water from the tap, it also refused to stop bleeding. "You are impossible. Can you please just try and stay out of trouble? For one day, that's all I ask." Our school nurse is a wolf, she's one of them. However she hates the way they treat us mere humans, she thinks we should all just live in peace with equal rights. Like that would ever happen. "All I've done is stay out of trouble, but you are just going to humiliate me anyway, so what's the actual point?" "The pack were discussing a public execution, Dylan. You need to walk on egg shells from now on, not just for you but for your family as well." No ones been publicly executed in over 4 months, I'm flattered they're considering it. They only execute people who they believe are the biggest problems to society. "Well then... I'm flattered." I chuckled, before looking at the patch job. 'Huh, not too shabby.' I quickly stood up from the human nursing station and pulled the sleeve of my shirt down covering the evidence of ever being hurt. "This is serious!" I just gave her a blank look before leaving the room. On the way out I heard her call back to me. "Please just think about it." I gave a clipped nod as I walked away wondering how I'm going to tell my mom about this. Later in the evening... "Dilly why you say that?" Freddie looked up at me with a mouth full of bread. "Don't speak with your mouthful!" My mom scolded him as a bashful blush made its way to his cheeks. "Sowwy mommy." His reply was muffled as he swallowed the last chunk of food. "I said it Freddie, because it's the truth. The wolf race are a pathetic excuse for..." my mom cut me off with an extremely stern look. "Dylan! They have ears everywhere, one more word out of you and it's your room." I scowled, my hatred for the Lycan kind growing stronger as each day passes. "What more can they do to me, lash me? Beat me? Brand me? They've ran out of options." I stated slamming my hands down, then severely regretting it as sharp pain shot though my wound. "What was that?" My head shot to regard my mothers worried expression. Her eyebrows were raised and her eyes were dull and judging as she looked at me. "Nothing, it was nothing." I quickly took my plate in my hand and began to walk to the kitchen. "I'm not really hungry, and I have homework to do!" My mom caught hold of my forearm causing me to drop my plate suddenly, I watched it slowly fall before shattering on the floor. I retracted my arm quickly and turned to Freddie. "Stay there and don't move until it's cleaned up ok sport?" He just nodded with wide eyes, I turned back to my mom and noticed her curious stare on my arm. Her grip shifted to the other side as she turned it around before pulling my sleeve up. The bandage was showing and a bit of blood was seeping though after the wound had been disturbed. "What the hel happened?" My moms eyes widened as she began to fumble with the bandage. Before she could unravel any of it I snatched my arm away. "I had an accident at school. No big." I began to gather the large pieces of the broken plate up ready to put them in the bin. "What did you do Dylan?" She looked at me with pure worry and only then did I realize what the wound must look like to someone who didn't know. "For gods sake! I didn't do it to myself! I got publicly punished at the assembly alright? It's no big deal." Her face dropped instantly and she stepped towards me, causing me to step backwards. "Mom, I'm ok. So back off will you." "What did you do? I've never known them to cut someone's arm as a punishment." Her shock and accusation was evident in her voice and I sighed heavily. "I spoke against the alphas son." I may have hit him too, but I wasn't going to divulge that part to her. "It's not one big cut, mom, it's a brand, 'human scum' carved onto my arm." "They've branded you now too?!" My eyes rolled at her hurt tone as I went to get the dustpan and brush. "You're so much like your father." A sigh left her mouth as she spoke, running a hand through her hair, while I quickly swept up the little pieces of the broken plate. "You've had a new uniform delivered. It's laid out on your bed. Dylan, Please just try and stay respectful in the future, I don't want my daughter to be completely mutilated. Although you're not far off." "Gee, Thanks." I then walked over to my little brother Freddy before blowing a kiss into his neck and hearing him giggle. "So sport, how's school going?" "It's ok." He shrugged before going back to coloring a dinosaur picture in. "Well that's good, stay out of trouble, ok little man?" Heading upstairs and into my room, my thoughts wandered to the permanent graffiti scar very slowly healing on my arm. Disgusting beasts. Think they own the world because they're faster, stronger and can shift. Pah. If you ask me they are not all that.

The second I walked into my room my mouth dropped open. On my bed was some grey pants laid out neatly, which wasn't the surprising part, no, what shocked me was the grey high neck no sleeved button down shirt, every single set of uniform had sleeves except this one. They've done this on purpose those, mutts. They want the world to see my arm and know what a disgusting creature I am. They want the world to know that I, Dylan Riley, am nothing more than 'human scum'.

During the last week, I've been horrible, in class I've been loud in voicing my views, I've insulted at least everyone to some degree, I didn't care about the consequences, and I certainly didn't think about them. I haven't seen Nick at all since he was claimed, and to make matters worse today was the royal visit. Oh yes, werewolves and mated humans alike were spending every waking minute preparing themselves to meet his royal majesty, king of the wolves. Unclaimed Humans however would rather stick pins in their eyes. "Dylan, get down now... you're going to be late." She was right, I was dawdling this morning, I really couldn't be bothered today, I gave myself one last look in the small mirror and sighed when my eyes met my newly uncovered brand. It had bad bruising around the letters, and was still extremely tender to touch, it was definitely healing now though. I made my way down the stairs and came face to face with my mother who was seeing to Freddie, she was helping my brother get his coat on when she turned to me. "You ready sport?" Freddie nodded his little head at me and smiled while I quickly slid my shoes on. "Just Remember, the alpha is bad enough, Dylan, please, please don't do anything to anger the king." My mother stopped us from walking out the door to tell me something she had been telling me continuously for the last couple of days, it was almost as if the entire human population of our district was expecting me to do something stvpid. "Try and have a good day." I rolled my eyes but nodded, even I know not to push the king, he could kil me in the hallway like it was nothing. In fact I plan on staying out of his way for the entirety of the day. "We will see you tonight mom." I stated before me and my brother began our walk to school, his little hand clutched my own tightly as we went. Usually Nick would be with us, as he lives next door, well he used to, now he's residing in the main pack house. I quickly dropped Freddie off at his school and watched him get the wolfsbane neutralizer before walking into him building giving me a small wave before he went in. With my new scar on complete show, and my figure being complimented by the skin tight shirt I was wearing, I sauntered down the street to school, I gave my name and year in and took the wolf's bane neutralizer injection with no problems at all. It was finally getting into school that the problem occurred. Walking through the halls I was met by many looks, some of pity some of disgust. You see every single non mated human in the school was wearing a long sleeved version of the uniform I was given. All the Wolves and mated couples were scattered around in fancy floor length dresses or tailored suits. As I turned the corner I noticed a couple, now this couple happened to catch my eye the most out of all of them because it consisted of Arya and Nick, eating each other's faces off. "What the hel!" Nicks head shot to me as his eyes widened. He too was dressed in a tailored suit, a navy blue tie hung on his neck to match Aryas dress. Why was this happening all the time? It's always my friends that get completely brain washed. I shook my head in disbelief before turning my back on him. I heard his fast footsteps behind me as I rounded the corner. "Dylan?!" He ran right in front of me, stopping me in my tracks, making me drop my bag off my shoulder and almost causing me to bump into him. "Let me just explain..." "Has she marked you?" I mean you could almost see it in his eyes, she had marked him, and knowing the way life goes he's probably even mated with her. "Actually... Don't even answer that." I aggressively picked my bag up off of the floor and stormed off down the hall. "Dylan, just listen to me, Erin was right, it's so hard to resist your soulmate, and Arya is actually ok once you get to know her." I just kept walking, he caught up to me walking beside me but it didn't matter, I completely ignored everything and everyone. 'I'm so not in the mood today' getting into class was good though, I said hello to Mr Foley and took my usual seat. Nick sighed then took his bag off ready to sit next to me, but I snapped before he had the chance. "Traitors and mated idiots sit on that side of the room." I didn't look him in the eye as I pointed to a seat right at the front of the classroom on the opposite side. His eyes widened as he turned his attention back to me. "You can't be serious Dylan." I gave him a blank look before grabbing my book out of my backpack, I placed it on the desk then began to write the date on the top line. "I've sat in this seat for as long as I can remember." I ignored him, his voice sounded sad and shocked. "Dylan? Wait! What is that?!" Before I could react Nick had grabbed hold of my branded arm and turned it to see the letters. "Oh my God! What happened?" I snatched my arm away from him and shrugged as I continued to write in my book before grabbing my water bottle out of my bag. "The principal happened, it was my punishment for speaking out against Adrian and Arya. I wear it with pride." He just held a complete look of disbelief. "You spoke out against them?" I shrugged, what did he think I'd do. "It's no secret that I despise this stvpid new world and the mutts that control it. You were my friend, I wasn't going to let them just take you without saying something, although that is exactly what you seem to have done. Enjoy the view from your new seat!" "Don't be like that, Dylan, I'm your best friend, I'm sorry about your arm, but..." my eyes rolled inside my head at my friends words. "Anything with the word 'but' in, isn't an apology, it's a rationalization." I took a drink of water from my bottle and kept my eyes facing forward, ignoring his every attempt to try and talk to me. "Dylan?.. Dylan?... Do you know what? Erin is right, if you push us all away you won't have any friends left." He huffed before walking over to the empty seat and sitting down, I could feel him glancing up at me every now and again but I didn't respond. "Good morning class, please settle down." He looked at me then at Nick and frowned, we've never sat apart, we were friends before the new world even began. I just shook my head telling him to forget it. "So... as you know the king will be arriving in a short while, but until then lessons will go on as normal." Its funny seeing teachers in the same uniform your wearing, mr Foley and his wife are the coolest. Human teachers and doctors only have slightly more respect than we do. Because of Mr Foley's status him and his wife have better access to food and drink, Mrs Foley is cool, sometimes she even makes sure mr Foley brings some in for me. Ya know, coz I'm their favorite student. It's not in a weird way, it's just they were friends of the family before the new wold took effect. Mr Foley and my dad were buddies from high school, so it goes without sayin really. "All the mated humans will be at the front of each years line again, after that you will all be placed in status, Nick, as your mated to Alpha Arya, you'll be at the front of your line. Dylan as you have been branded..." his voice trailed off as he looked at me. "Yeah yeah, I'll be at the back of the line behind everyone. I get it." I huffed, moving my sight towards the window once more. "I am sorry." I turned to face Mr Foley again, he looked genuinely upset and that look of pity wasn't something I wanted to see. I gave him a clipped nod then turned away again. "Anyway, on to the subject matter, 'Of Mice and Men, page 64, Nick why don't you start us off with the reading."

"Of course sir." Nick began reading the book but I switched off, today is going to be a long day. After almost an hour and a half of reading comprehension, the bell chimed signaling lunch. I shot up and out of the classroom before anyone could say anything. Today, I was avoiding drama like the plague.

I wandered the corridors straight to the lunch hall. All the people I would normally hang out with we're all mated so I grabbed my lunch quickly, and sat down at the end of the human table. Let me lay the lunch hall out for you. On one side of the room you have two long rows of tables, with simple benches that make it look like prison, on the other side of the room you have multiple round tables with fancy chairs. Yup you get it. The humans sit at the prison tables and the wolves and traitors sit on the fancy tables, they get fancy food, fancy drink and most importantly they get pudding. what I would give to have some pudding. "Dylan can we just talk?" Nick quickly took the spot next to me as he set his lunch tray down. I looked at his food which had been placed on a ceramic, circular white plate. God that looked good. I sighed knowing he was going to talk anyway. "Fine, you have two minutes." I used my fork to take a bit of pasta off his plate and shoved it into my mouth. God that was good. "After I left school, I was taken to the pack house with Arya, and I really got to know her. It took a few days for me to finally accept being with her, but ever since life has been ok, and the sax... well that's a whole other story." Eww, I didn't need that mental image in my head. "I'm glad your happy." I stated before deciding I had no appetite. His face held shock before he sighed in relief. "That means a lot Dylan, I mean you know that your opinion matters to me." I cut him off before he could say anything else. "I said I was glad your happy. I didn't say I approved of what you've done. You've basically turned into one of THEM, I can't ever forgive you for that." He looked hurt, but I couldn't care less about his feelings. He placed his hand gently on my arm and went to open his mouth when a growl sounded out. All heads whipped to where it came from, Arya was stood holding a glass of soda and a plate, she was looking right at me and Nick and I would totally be dead if looks could kil. Nick quickly retracted his hand, his whole face fell and you could see sorrow flood his irises. "You sit with me now, get away from that, that... scum!" Wow, Nick was such a lucky guy. NOT. "You heard her. Get away from me, go sit with your new friends. I'm happy for you, and I understand where your coming from, but don't come up to me again and pretend you didn't betray your own kind. Don't pretend you didn't betray me." I shoved a little bit of food into my mouth before standing up and walking out of the cafeteria, leaving my tray on the table. I was walking through the hallway to the classroom, you see I decided to spend lunch with Mr Foley in his room, when I happened to hear voices in the corridor. "Is it wise for her to actually be present when the king arrives? Surely she could be placed in the dungeons, it might actually teach her some respect?" My principal was speaking to the alpha of our district, huh, if I stayed and listened do you think they'd notice, maybe they could smell me?! "Everyone is to be present, if the Riley girl does one thing out of line she will be dealt with severely, child or not. That girl has been a blight to the district since day one, she's dangerous, if she puts one hair out of place I will personally break her into submission." Oh shet, they were talking about me specifically, and they mentioned the dungeon, that's not been used in months. Normally I would have listened in more but something about the entire situation didn't sit right with me, all of a sudden, I was on edge, and simply wasn't interested in the slightest in hearing how my misery was to be enhanced. I backed up slightly before turning around and bumping head first into one of the hottest man I had ever seen. I lost my balance immediately and fell straight on to the floor letting out a small grumble in the process. His eyebrows knitted together quickly and his breath hitched in his throat as he looked upon my fallen state and gasped. "Mate!" He whispered, his eyes fixated on mine. Now, I had seen and heard that many times to know what that means, I gasped before taking a step back. 'No, no, no, no, no. This can not be happening.' He growled slightly before stepping towards me. Oh Shet!

Over a year ago, I was going through a particularly stressful time and went to my neurologist concerned that I was possibly having Medication Adaption Headaches (MAH aka Medication Overuse Headaches aka Rebound Headaches) or would develop them.
I was having a migraine or headache almost daily. I had been cycling through pain meds to avoid using too much of the same thing and too many triptans mistakenly thinking that this would keep me safe.
My neurologist didn't take any time to discuss why I thought I might be having MAH or what should be done if I was already having them. He did give me the prescription for Aimovig that I asked for, but also a recommendation and prescription for Panadol migraine (same as Excedrin migraine) which I had never taken before. The prescription wasn’t needed to get the Panadol migraine, but it was needed to have it reimbursed by my insurance. I thought because it is OTC in the US (which is where I'm from) that it would be better (again mistakenly) than taking so many triptans.
The aimovig was like putting a bandaid on a gash that needed stitches. I made it another year before I had an absolutely horrible flare-up about 60 days ago that led me to do my own research because my neurologist had failed me horribly and I decided it was most definitely MAH and I needed to detox.
The Detox
I quit taking all pain OTC pain meds and triptans for 60 days (as is recommended in most treatment guides). It took me roughly 9 days to have a noticeable drop in my migraines back to episodic. My migraines have lessened in severity and length over the last 60 days. Though the first week or so was the most challenging to get through, I also had hormonal migraines that were tough. The few other non-hormonal migraines I had later in the 60 days, I was able to clearly identify triggers for. This hadn’t been the case for me in the past. I've also now been able to abort a hormonal migraine with other methods listed here.
Other Options for Pain Relief
(for any meds or supplements always consult your doctor)
Ginger is a great natural painkiller. There is some BS study that says it is as effective as sumatriptan, it most definitely isn't and I'm not going to try to sell it as that, but I would say it is probably as effective as an NSAID. Unfortunately, I’m unable to get GCRP inhibitors where I am so I didn’t have other migraine abortive options, just this.
Benadryl (note: this is the brand name in US & CA, it’s different in Europe) helps me with migraine pain during an attack (sometimes even helps avoid an attack).
A TENS unit was very helpful with migraine pain, but also with cramps during my 60 day detox and I’ll definitely continue using it going forward.
Migraine Cap was especially helpful after the migraine to help with the residual soreness.
Migraine Relief Nasal Inhaler, hot showers, decongestant meds, and decongestant nasal spray* help me because nasal congestion is a major symptom for me. When the congestion is worse, the pain is worse. If I can relieve some congestion, I can also relieve some pain. So I use these as needed depending on the severity of the congestion.
*It is important to note that decongestant nasal sprays can cause rebound congestion if used frequently, follow dosage and warnings on the label.
Myofascial Release & dry needling - this isn’t so much for migraine pain, but it helps me manage back and neck pain that contributes to my migraines and helps me with pain management overall.
The Pain Relief Options That I Wish I Could Have Used or Tried
Balms and patches that you put on your forehead- personally my skin is too sensitive for it, I have tried in the past and it just makes my skin burn (but so does most sunscreen when applied to my face). I’m mentioning these because I think they are a great option for some people and as I was looking through this sub for more ideas of what I could use, they are something that I saw repeatedly that I wish my skin would allow me to use.
Celafy, Nerivio, and Relivion all looked like interesting devices, but sadly aren’t available where I am.
Heated eye massager also looked very appealing and should have been available, but the wrong item was delivered when I tried ordering it and I didn’t feel like trying my luck again. I will definitely get one when I go to the US.
GCRP-inhibitors - these aren’t available where I am so I didn’t have the option to use these as abortives while detoxing from pain meds. I definitely would like the option to be able to use these as abortives for migraines. One study did note they could cause MAH (this is listed below and linked) but there's no good research regarding this as they are so new. I just feel obligated to mention this.
About MAH
Please educate yourself. I have included links to sources. Consult your doctor if you think you might have MAH and advocate for treatment.
1 You have to add up your pain med use!!!
2 OTC Pain Meds+ Triptans + Rx Pain Meds* = 10 Days Maximum Per Month
*Opioids and butalbital may lead to MAH in about 5 days
3 Approximately 50% of patients with chronic migraine have MAH that may revert to episodic headache after drug withdrawal.
Chronic migraine is classified as 15 or more headache days w/ 8 migraine days a month.
Episodic Migraine is classified as 14 or fewer headache and migraine days a month.
4 The name for MAH changed a few times and the one I chose to use is focused on the mechanism that causes the condition rather than the name that sounds like it is blaming the patient (Medication Overuse Headaches). Here’s an article regarding the name dispute.
5 One article even listed GCRP inhibitors as possibly contributing to MAH. But as these medications are new, the research isn't there yet to say if they really do contribute. I just had found it surprising to see and felt obligated to note it.
6 Risk Factors

• Having a primary headache disorder such as migraines.
• Having other chronic pain or gastrointestinal issues.
• Being less physical activity (defined as less than 3 hours of hard physical activity per week)
• Smoking
• Mood disorders
• OCD
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Substance-related disorders
• Cutaneous allodynia 7 (Cutaneous allodynia (CA) is defined as pain resulting from application of a non-noxious stimulus to normal skin)

8 Withdrawal treatment does not only reduce the headache attacks, but also improves responsiveness to acute or prophylactic drugs. Withdrawal symptoms normally last between 2 to 10 days, and do not persist longer than 4 weeks.
Going Forward
I have a number of MAH risk factors including migraines, other chronic pain, anxiety, family history of substance-related disorders, being less physical activity (especially during the time that the stressful situation was happening), and cutaneous allodynia. Had I known about all of these risk factors and that alternating meds would not protect me from MAH, I would have done things very differently. I’ll have to be very careful to not develop MAH again, and actually am thinking of extending my detox because of my risk factors and some concerning statistics regarding allodynia in particular. For now I'm going to try to continue managing my pain with other methods while I can comfortably. Actually just last night I had a hormonal migraine that I managed to abort with a combination of things I listed here that just 2 months ago it would have been at least a level 4 with triptans.
When I do start using pain meds again, I’ll definitely be tracking meds more carefully and adhering to a strict 10 day max per month for OTCs plus triptans. I’ve made an annual tracker that you can print with the maximum days noted for reference.
To the Mods - I’ve noticed many posts with discussion related to MAH being removed. I’ve instructed others to consult their doctor thereby trying to adhere to the sub rules, please let me know if there is something else that might need to be adjusted in order to adhere to the rules.

I’ve read so many horror stories about getting off depo and it seems like from the various forums including Reddit that the majority of women getting off depo said it was a nightmare.
I’ve (24F) only been on depo for a little over 2 years. But I decided to get off because I’ve been hit with some very unpleasant side effects. Recently for the past month I’ve been dealing with menopausal symptoms like hot flashes, night sweats, bloating, waking up in the middle of the night, mood swings, and decreased libido. It really just came out of nowhere, and the only thing I can attribute this change to is depo (or the very small % chance that the lump in my neck is cancer, seeing an ENT for that).
Now I’m debating whether to stay off birth control for a while and let my body regulate again or go on a different birth control. My fear is that I’m suspected to have endometriosis (been pushing for a lap but women’s healthcare sucks in the US), and my periods are painfully brutal. I can only imagine what my first period in 2 years is gonna look like if I even get it but seeing as though I’ve been cramping hardcore this past week & my next shot is due next Monday I have a bad feeling bleeding will come soon.
I don’t have a lot options seeing as though I can’t use any birth control with estrogen bc of my migraine with aura. My friend thinks I should hold off of birth control, but I have a lot of sex with my partner and pregnancy terrifies me. So I guess has anyone been on the other birth controls like the POP, implant or IUD? And what was your experience? Were you able to have unprotected sex and be protected from pregnancy? How were the side effects? And for those off depo, how was your experience with getting off it?

Hi all,
I am a 26 year old male btw. Prior to this bout of insomnia thats been affecting me the past 2 weeks, I am someone who slept 7-8 hours a night regularly, and was out relatively quickly when attempting to sleep. There have been occasions where I couldn't get to sleep in the past, but they would be incredibly infrequent and only last 1 night. I'm someone who fortunately hasn't had to put much effort into my bed time routine, although I have always been quite a healthy person, and also meditate frequently.
That is, until now. I had a couple infrequent nights of sleep back to back, possibly due to stressors in my life. I went through a breakup a month back, and I have a lot on at work. This breakup could be a potential root cause, however I feel like I've processed the pain quite well and the first 2 weeks I didn't really struggle much when getting to sleep. I truly believe I've had 5x the amount of anxiety and stress from external events than I do now and I didn't have sleep issues then.
Despite working on a thorough wind down routine, I get to the point of exhaustion where I feel I am ready to drift off. I do feel a slight sense of dread now at the thought of going to bed, but I believe that I get myself in the mindset where I am pretty clear headed, and trying to avoid thoughts or cares about not sleeping that night. Yet after 10 minutes of attempting to sleep, it's like my sympathetic nervous system activates, my heart starts beating faster, I feel a pit in my stomach, I heat up. Then I'll be awake until about 5-6am, despite waking up at 8am every day for the past 2 weeks (I've been attempting the CBT-I stuff). I've tried melatonin, and I think this helps with sleep timing a bit as I managed to push back the window in which I get sleepy at least, but it doesn't seem like the solution, only an aid. I've also tried to meditate whilest going through this feeling to see if I could rationalise it, and understand it better, or whether there is something external causing this state of panick. But nothing seems rational. My thoughts are that I've somehow contracted some sort of dysautonomia or other illness that is attacking my nervous system. Once I do actually fall asleep the first time, I rarely wake up again, and in the morning I am shattered, as if I can sleep longer - I think this is potentially a good sign, however I know that if I indulge in sleeping in during the day then I won't sleep the entire next night (also work!)
I am really scared of the fact that I've been averaging 3 hours sleep for the past 2 weeks, as I've never been nearly so sleep deprived. I know that sleep deprivation is dangerous, and I'm scared of this spiraling into other health complications. I'm considering trying ant anxiety meds before bed, or maybe some sleeping pills.
Does what I'm going through sound familiar? Do you think it could be my nervous system malfunctioning? Does anyone have any advice? I have a business trip next week for 5 days, and I'm hopeful that a new sleeping environment might reset me.