11/20/2017
Log book of Det. Ryan Snow
Case #2798: The Appalachian Murders
When I woke up, I was in such a haze that I couldn’t make out where I was at first. My vision was a blur and all I could hear was the sounds of rushing water. I tried to move my limbs, but each muscle down to my little finger felt like lead weighing down on me, making it hard to breathe.
It felt like forever before the ringing in my ear was slowly swallowed out by a voice crying out from what sounded like a distance only to grow louder as it seemed to approach me from the void I had woken up in. It wasn’t until I heard my name that I recognized it was Kate’s voice, pleading and filled with tears.
I blinked away the blur, finding myself staring up at a water damaged ceiling, a single yellow light brightening the room. My head was pounding and my body still felt heavy, but I moved my head enough to turn and see where Kate was calling from. It took a moment, but I soon realized that she was lying on her back, strapped by her arms and legs to a metal table, looking to me with wide terrified eyes.
“Detective, please help!” She cried out. “Please don’t be dead! Please help me!”
“Bl-Black…Well…” I groaned out as I tried, painfully, to pick myself up off the stone floor, “Black…Well… Ah… Shit… Shit! Ms. Blackwell-“ I was gaining consciousness minute by minute as I finally took in the situation and got to my feet. However, the moment I had gotten to my feet and began running to Kate only to immediately fall back to the floor once again, my ankle getting caught by something heavy. I turned to see my ankle had been shackled to the floor by a cuff and chains. I searched my person to find my coat, along with my Glock had been taken, blood decorating my pants and sleeves. I placed a palm to my forehead to find blood when I lowered it down to look at the warm liquid slithering down from my scalp.
“Ms. Blackwell,” I returned my attention to her, examining what I could from my place on the floor, “are you alright, are you hurt?”
“I… I… I don’t… Don’t think so…” she managed to whine out.
“Where’s Mr. Raines?”
To this question, Kate looked away from me, sobbing being her only verbal response.
I went back to the shackles on my ankle and began trying to yank the chains off from the floor, but they had been well maintained and were too strong for me to simply yank out of the stone. I then quickly looked around the room to find we were in a different basement from the one in Cabin #3, though it had the same kind of layout, the table the only major difference. I also took note of the blood stains that trailed from the sides of the table and the dried pools below.
“I want my mom!” Kate cried out, her voice echoing in the empty room.
“I’ll get you to her, I will, I promise,” I assured her, trying to find something, anything to get us out of this, “do you remember how we got down here?”
“I… I… I just re-remember… Remember you g-getting knocked out… Knocked out by someone and them… Them putting a rag over me… Then everything went black… Then I woke… Woke up… H-Here…” Kate answered, trying to breathe with each sob she let out. “I… I th-thought… y-you… You were d-d-… Dead!”
“I’m not, I’m very much alive and I’m going to get you out of here and back to your parents,” I vowed as I continued looking for a way out of this situation, “we’re going to get you out of here, get you home, and we’ll make sure no one ever gets hurt here ever-“
The sound of the basement door from the splintered wooden steps cut me off. I listened as feet descended down the steps to the basement below, Kate’s ragged breaths the only other sound. The person who came down was a woman. The same exact woman from the photo I had found in her house. She looked as if she had not aged since that photo was taken, despite how long ago it seemed the photo was taken. She had the same exact long, white hair, same tired looking eyes, and same disgustingly pale skin as in that photo and on her profile picture. It was Mrs. Larson.
“Deeeeeetectiiiiiiive,” she spoke in a hoarse voice mixed with what I assumed was her own and several others, both male and female, adult and child, “youuuuuuu shouuuullld haaaaaaaaave juuuuuuusssssst giiiiiven herrrrrrr toooooo meeeeee… Youuuuuuuu diiiiiiiiid nooooooot haaaaaave toooooooo ssssssseeeee thiiiiiissssss…”
“Fuck you!” I shouted, beginning to charge at the elderly woman only to be yanked back by my shackles. “Let us go, right now!”
“Nnnnooooo,” Mrs. Larson replied harshly as she stepped over to loom over Kate.
“Stay away from her!” I barked, trying desperately to break free of my shackles.
She ignored me as she ran a shaky hand down along Kate’s trembling face. “Ooooooooohhhhh, Kaaaaaate… Sweeeeet, sweeeeeeeet, Kaaaaaaaaaate…” Mrs. Larson cooed as she went on stroking Kate’s wet cheek. “Doooooo noooooooot crrrrrrryyyyyyy, dooooooonnnnnn’t thiiiiiiiiiinnnnk oooooofff iiiiiiiit aaaaaaaassssss dyyyyyyyyiiiiinnnnng, thiiiiiiiiinnnk ooooooooffff iiiiiiit aaaaaassssss ssssssssaaaaaaaaaviiiiiiinnng aaaaaannnnoooootherrrrrrrrr liiiiiiiiife.”
“I-I… I d-don’t… Don’t under-understand… w-what th-that… That m-means…” Kate cried, her hands gripping the sides of the metal table beneath her, “P-Please, d-don’t… Don’t kill me… L-Let… Let us-us go!”
“Nnnnnoooooo,” Mrs. Larson answered in the same harshness she used on me, “IIIIIIIII neeeeeeeed youuuuuuuuuu,” she then shot a death glare my way through tired, silver eyes, “aaaaaaaannnnnnd heeeeeeeeee’ssssssss beeeeeeeeeennnnnn nnnnnnnoooooooothiiiiiiiiinnnnnng buuuuut aaaaaa thooooooorrrrrrnnnn iiiiiiinnnnn myyyyyyyyy ssssssssiiiiiiiide siiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnccccccce youuuuuu eeeeeessssssscaaaaaaped meeeeeeee.” She then looked back to Kate with a softer look. “Aaaaaaaassssss fffffoooooorrrrr whaaaaaaaat youuuuuuu caaaaaannnn’t uuuuuunnnnnnderrrrrrssssssstaaaaaaannnnnnd, IIIIIIIIII nnnnnneeeeeeed yourrrrrrrrrr heaaaaaaaarrrrrt tooooooo ssssssssaaaaaavvvvvvve myyyyyyy ssssssiiiiiiiisssssssterrrrrrrr.”
“The fuck does that mean?” I demanded, still trying to vain to pull my ankle from the chains. “How the hell will Kate’s heart save your sister?”
“Diiiiiiiiidnnnnnn’t nnnnnnneeeeeeed toooooo beeeee Kaaaaaaate’sssssss,” admitted Mrs. Larson, “buuuuuuuut sssshhhhhheeeeee hiiiiiiiiid theeeeee ooooooootherrrrr giiiiirrrrrrllllll ffffffrrrrroooooommmmm mmmmmeeeeee.”
“S-Son… Sonja…” Kate sniffed, the tears still streaming down her face.
“IIIIIIII oooooooonnnnnlllllyyyyy neeeeed fffffffeeeeeemmmmmaaaaallllle,” Mrs. Larson dismissed Ms. Greymoore’s name, “ffffffeeeeeeemmmmmaaaaaallllle heaaaaaaaarrrrrrrtsssss toooooo rrrrrrreeeeeetuuuuurrrrrrnnnnn mmmmmmyyyyy ssssiiiiissssssterrrrrrrrr toooooo theeeeeeee giiiiirrrrrllllll ssssshhhhhheeeee uuuuuuuusssssed tooooo beeeeeee.”
“That’s a fucking joke right?” I asked. “The hell makes you think eating a female heart will turn your sister back into a human woman? Have you seen what’s happened to your sister?”
“IIIIIIIII knnnnnnnooooooow beeeeeeecaaaauuuuusssssse iiiiiiiiiiit wooooooorrrrrked ooooooonnnnn mmmmmeeeeee,” Mrs. Larson explained, “IIIIIIIIIII waaaaaasssss aaaaaaablllllllle toooooo reeeeeeetaaaaiiiiiinnnnnn thiiiiiiiiiisssssss huuuuuummmmmmaaaaaannnnn fffffffooooorrrrrrmmmm ffffffrrrrrooooommmm eeeeeaaaaatiiiiiinnnnnng theeeeeeee heaaaaaaaaarrrrrtsssss, sssssspecifffffficaaaaaaallllllyyyyyy fffffffeeeeeemmmmmaaaaallllleeee sssssssooooooo IIIIIIIIII mmmmmmaaaaaayyyyyy rrrrrreeeeetuuuurrrrrnnnnn toooo beeeeeiiiiinnnng theeeeeeee giiiiiirrrrrrrllllll IIIIIII uuuuuuusssssed toooooooo beeeeeee.”
“You were dead,” I pointed out, “they found your body up here, you were buried.”
“Theeeeeessssssse sssshhhhheeeeeellllllsssss arrrrrrre mmmmmeeeeeerrreeeellllyyy veeeeeessssssellllllssssss ffffffoooooorrrrrr theeeeeeee sssssspiiiiirrrrriiiiiitsssss weeeee hiiiiiiiiiiide beeeeeneeeeaaaaattthhhh,” Mrs. Larson responded, finally turning her gaze to me, “IIIIIIII haaaaaaad tooooooo maaaake peeeopllllle beeeelieevvvve IIIIIII haaaaaad diiiiiiied tooooo keeeeeep frrrrroooommm theeeee poooooollllliiiiicccce ffffrrrrrrooooommmm pooookiiiiiinnnng aaaaarrrrouuuuuunnnnd aaaaannnnnd rrrrruuuiiinnnnniiinnnng eeeevvvveeerrrrryyythiiiiinnnng.”
“So, let me just get this whole thing straight,” I began as I started rubbing my temples, "when you and your sister starting into… Whatever the hell that thing you call your sister is-“
“Ooooouuuurrrrr sssssspiiiiiirrrrrriiiiiit,” Mrs. Larson corrected.
“Whatever!” I shot. “You found out that eating female hearts turns you two back into human women and to keep police from suspecting you, you pretended to be dead and… What? Just hope a shitty real estate agency would buy your property and you could just… Kill people, people with lives and families outside the mountains?”
“Thaaaaaaaat iiiiiiisssss cooooorrrrrreeeeect…” Mrs. Larson admitted, narrowing her eyes at me.
That’s when I began laughing hysterically, holding my sides that hurt with each harsh breath of a laugh I took. Both Mrs. Larson and Kate looked to me as if I had lost my mind and at this point I was starting to believe I had. Everything I had seen and heard about this entire case would put anyone in the looney bin. And I’m the damn fool who dug too deep into something he had nothing to do with.
“Whaaaaaat’s ssssoooo ffffuuunnnny?” Growled Mrs. Larson, stepping around Kate to stand between us.
“I don’t know what’s fucking funnier, honestly,” I chuckled, running a hand through my hair, “the fact that you thing people won’t be poking around even more when they discover not only is Blackwell missing, but so is a detective and escaped convict all of whom now have ties to these fucking mountains and those cabins, or that you thing I’m more afraid of what you plan on doing with me more than I am when her father finds out I got her in this situation in the first place!”
“Heeeeeee wooooonnnnn’t beeeee aaaaabllllle toooooo doooo aaaaaannnnnyyyyythiiiiiinnnng aaaaaaafffffterrrrrrr IIIIIIIII’mmmmm dooooooonnnne wiiiiiiiith booooooth ooooooooffffff youuuuuuuuu,” Mrs. Larson hissed as she inched closer, “fffffffiiiiiiirrrrrrssssst, IIIIIIIII waaaaaannnnnt youuuuuuuu toooo waaaaaatch mmmmmeeeee kiiiiiiillllll herrrrrrr,” she turned her head to look to Kate who was now just shaking, her eyes seemingly gone dry from the crying, Mrs. Larson then looked back to me, “sssssseeeeecooooonnnnd, IIIIIIII wiiiiillllll ssssssaaaaave youuuuu fffffooooorrrr mmmmmmyyyyy sssssiiiiiisssssterrrrr, oooooonnnnne heeeeaaaaart wiiiiilllll nnnnoooot ssssssaaaaaatissssfffffyyyy herrrr huuuuuunnnnnger.” She took another step. “Uuuuuuuunnnnnllllliiiiiike sssssssoooooommmme ssssssiiiiiibllllliiiiiiinnnnnngsssss, IIIIIIIII caaaaaarrrre aaaaaaboooouuuuut mmmmmmyyyyy ffffffaaaammmmiiiiilllllyyyyyy.”
She stared into my eyes, expecting a reaction and while my blood did somewhat boil at the accusatory statement, I didn’t fully understand what she was getting at. Not until she used that voice. Not until she relived that day with those two familiar child-like voices.
“Screw you, Liam!” She cried out in a voice I remember from my childhood. “I hope you drop dead!”
“Stop.” I demanded.
“Piss off, Ryan!” She shot back in a second boy’s voice.
“I said stop!” I began shouting.
“Help me, Ryan! Please, help me! I’m sorry! Please, Lucky Dime, help me!”
I then lunged toward her, reaching my hands out toward her neck only to be stopped by the shackles as she swiftly, almost without even moving, stepped just out of my reach.
“Fucking bitch!” I screamed out.
“If only you really cared about me, Lucky Dime,” sighed Mrs. Larson as she turned and began making her way to the side of the room where a cart stood in the shadows. She pulled it over to Kate’s side, the cart covered in rusted medical tools.
“P-Please,” Kate wheezed, “p-p-please… I… I d-d-don’t w-want… Want t-to d-d… D-Die, I… I w-w-want m-m-m… My m-mom!”
“Dooooonnn’t woooorrrrryyyyy,” Mrs. Larson soothed, using that mix of different voices, “mmmmmmaaaayyyyybeeee sheeee wiiiillll cooooommmme loooookinnnng ffffooooorrrr yooouuuuu aaaaannnnnd sheeeeeee caaaaannnnn joooooiiiiiinnnn youuuuuuu.”
Kate began to sob, begging and pleading for Mrs. Larson to let her go, thrashing around in her restraints. Telling the older woman that there was no saving her sister and that she was too far gone for this sick ritual to work anymore. I tried to yank at the chains once more, trying to loosen it at least enough to break free and grab at Mrs. Larson.
“Rrrrrrreeeeellllllaaaaax,” Mrs. Larson ordered as she began filling a syringe with some kind of clear liquid from a small bottle, “yoooouuuuuu woooooonnnn’t eeeeeveeennn fffffeeeellll iiiiiiit, thiiiissssss wiiiiiillllll puuuuuut youuuuu toooo ssssssllllllleeeeeep aaaaaannnnnnd wheeeeeennnnnn youuuuuu waaaaaake uuuuuuuup, youuuuuuu’lllllll beeee iiiiiinnnnnn heeeeeaaaaaaveeeennnnn… Uuuuuunnnnnnnllllllessssss youuuuuuu weeeerrrrrrre aaaaaa haaaaaarrrrrlllllooooooot, iiiiiiinnnnnn whiiiiiiiich caaaaaassssssseeeee, mmmmmaaaayyyy Goooooood haaaaaaaave mmmmmmmmerrrrrrrcccccyyyyy ooooonnnnn youuuuuur ssssssoooouuuuullllll… Aaaaannnnnd baaaaaaasssssed ooooonnnn hoooooow youuuuuu drrrrressss aaaaannnnnd theeeee coooommmmpaaaannnnyyyy youuuuuu keeeeeep,” She added as she eyed me, “IIIIIII ssssssaaaaaayyyy youuuuu haaaaaave aaaaa lllllloooooot ooooooffff fooooooorrrrgiiiiiviiiiinnnnng tooooo dooooo.”
Kate continued to cry as Mrs. Larson pushed the needle of the syringe into her arm, pushing down on the plunger as it pierced the flesh. Kate’s loud screams soon turned quieter and her red eyes began to glaze over, but she continued to stay awake, tightening her grip on the table and still begging to be let go.
“IIIIII waaaaannnnt youuuuu toooo waaaaatch, Detective,” Mrs. Larson spat out my title in Mr. Blackwell’s voice, “IIIII waaaaannnnnt youuuuu toooo waaaaatch herrrrrr fffffaaaaaade aaaaaannnnnnd mmmmmeeeee rrrrreeeemmmmooooove heerr heeeaaaarrrrrt toooooo ffffffeeeeeed tooooo mmmmmmyyyyyy ssssssiiiiiiiissssssterrrrrr,” she then pulled out a recorder, “theeeeennnnnn wheeeeeennnnn IIIIIII ssssssuuuuummmmoooooonnnnn herrrrrrr aaannnnd sheeeee fffffiiiinnnniiiishessssss oooooofffffff heeeerrrrr heeeaaaaarrrrrt, youuuuuuu’llllllll beeeeee neeeeeext.”
“Fuck you,” I snarled, “I hope you and your sister burn.”
“IIIIIIIII’mmmmm gooooonnnnnaaaaa gooooo aaaaallllllerrrrrrt mmmmmyyyyy ssssssiiiiiiissssterrrrrr,” Mrs. Larson turned and began making her way to the basement steps, “ssssseeee youuuuu boooooth ffffffoooooorrrr diiiiiinnnnnnerrrrrrr.”
She then pressed the play button on her recorder and a small, little girl’s voice echoed in the room before Mrs. Larson vanished up the steps.
“I’m here… I’m here… I’m here…”
Then the door slammed shut.
“De… Tec… Tive…” Kate squeaked out, her breathing slowing.
“Stay awake, Blackwell,” I ordered her gently, looking around frantically for anything to get us both out of this alive, “I’ll get us out of this, I promise, just stay awake, we’ll get out of here, I just need-“
“I’m… S… Sorry…” she breathed out. “I’m… So… Sorry… For… Get… Getting… You… In… To.. This…”
“No, no, this is not your fault!” I assured her. “That psychotic bitch got us both into this shit and I won’t stop until I get us out and put her and her fucking sister are six feet under!”
“W…Wha… What… H… Hap… Happened… To… To L… Liam…?”
I stopped struggling with the chains and turned to look to Kate. Her head was turned to me, her face wet, hands clenching as hard as they could to the table beneath her, the light in her eyes slowly fading second by second. She was trying desperately to stay awake. The medication Mrs. Larson taking hold of her as the minutes ticked by.
I dropped the chains that were in my hands, looking away from her, wanting to stare at anything other than another person I had failed.
“He was killed,” I answered, “we were fishing at a lake nearby… Lake Gaagige… We got into a really stupid ass fucking fight about how which fishing pole we were going to use. I wanted to use our dad’s, but Liam was older and said only men could use dad’s fishing pole… I told him… To drop dead and stormed off… When I got home, my parents dragged me back to the lake and scolded me for leaving him…” I trailed off, swallowing all the tears and screams I’d bottled up since that day. “When… We found… Him… The autopsy… Said he was mauled by a bear… I’ve blamed myself for leaving him there alone… For letting him die and getting killed like that… The last thing I ever told him was to drop dead… I was a shitty brother and now I’m a shitty detective…”
“Is… Is he… Why… You became… A… Detective…?”
I took a deep breath and swallowed the tears again. “No, Blackwell,” I answered, “he’s not why I became a detective… I already knew what had killed him… It was my fault… If I hadn’t been such a brat and stormed off… He might still be alive… And now… What that bitch said…” I replayed Liam’s screams that escaped Mrs. Larson’s mouth. “I’m starting to think I’m getting what I deserve. Karma’s back to kick my ass…”
“H… How… Old…?”
“I was six… Liam was eight…”
“N… N… Not your… F… Fault…”
I turned to look to Kate, her eyes on mine, however faded.
“Y… You were… Only… A k… Kid…”
I took another intake of what little air there was down in that basement. I had spent years trying to convince myself of the same thing, but those moments never got easier for me when those thoughts returned.
“I think you’re just being nice,” I laughed painfully, “but I’m afraid I- and my folks- don’t share the same sentiment.”
I was staring down at where the chains were coming from in the ground, Kate not saying a word for over a couple of minutes. I spun to see if she had fallen asleep and immediately tried to find out how to wake her up again. However, once I our eyes met, I saw that she was still fighting sleep, the last of her tears rolling down across the bridge of her nose and into her hair.
“I… I… I had… Had a c… Crush… O… On… J… Jasper…” she confessed, her voice getting quieter and higher. “P… Paul and… And Son… Sonja knew… I never… Never c… Cared f… For Luke… But I’m… Sure… S… Sonja t… Told him…” she looked like she was going to sob again. “I… I never g… Got the… Ch… Chance… T… To tell J… Jasper… I… Was… Scared… He… He and… P… Paul were friends… And I… I kn… Knew… How P… Paul f… Felt… A… About m… Me… I… I did… Didn’t wa… Want to… R… Ruin… Anyth… Anything…” She took a gulp of air. “I… I ha… Hated L… Luke… I… A… Always… Kn… Knew… He… He was a… Player… B… But Sonja… Said… Said she was hap… Happy… So… So I did… Didn’t wa… Want to g… Get in… H… Her way… B… But Luke d… Didn’t l… Like h… How cl… Close… We… Were… I d… Didn’t w… Want him to make… Make her th… Think I… I was l… Leading her o… On… T… To get them… To b… Break up… Th… Then… That n… Night… Sh… She w… Wanted to… To leave…” She let out two pained gasps of breath. “I… I let them down… I let them all down… Luke pro… Probably thought… Thought I w… Was the one who… Who f… Filled Sonja’s mind… With thoughts of… Of him ch… Cheating… Th… Then I… I got them… All killed…
I… I didn’t deserve them, d… Detective…” she went on, looking away from me to stare up at the water damaged ceiling, “I… I… I was a… Terrible… Terrible friend…”
“Did you read their guest book entries?” I asked.
“N… No… D… Didn’t w… Want to… To r… Read any… Anything p… Private…” Kate answered.
“Jasper didn’t blame you,” I assured her, remembering what he had written in his entry during his time watching Mrs. Larson just outside the cabin, “even when he heard the voices- when he heard Mrs. Larson- telling him to, he didn’t. I don’t think the others blamed you either. You didn’t do anything wrong, Ms. Blackwell, there’s no way you could have known any of this would happen.”
“K… Kate…”
“What?”
“C… Call… Call me… Kate…”
“Aright, Kate,” I let out what little laughter I had left inside me, “so long as we’re the last people we’ll be chatting with, call me Ryan.”
“R… Ryan…”
“If we at all live through this, I’m going to need a long vacation after this,” I said as I turned to look at my shackles again, looking around myself to try finding anything to Get free since a vacation sounded like something to die for at that moment, “do you know any good vacation spots I can book for the fall?”
“Y… You’re… You’re a… Dick…” Kate struggled to laugh.
“I also enjoy pineapple on pizza,” I winked as I reached down to my ankle, ready to break it just to taste that sweet combination of tomato sauce and fruit.
“G… God… I… I c… Can’t… Believe… I th… Thought y… You w… Were c… Cute…”
I sat down on the floor, grabbing my ankle with both my hands. Needing to hype myself up enough to do what I was going to do, I began removing my shoe and sock from the foot, rubbing and squeezing my way up and down the ankle to my toes. I had never broken a bone in my life before this and I definitely never thought I’d do it of my own volition, but this was a desperate time and it definitely called for desperate…
“Wait what?” I turned to look to Kate, finally registering what she had said.
However, just before I could be sure of what I heard, the sound of a hunting rifle going off just above our heads right before we heard the door to the basement swing open and immediately be slammed shut. Both Kate and I turned to see someone stumble down the wooden steps, his clothes torn and body scratched and cut to a nearly deadly degree. I was even shocked he was still breathing.
“M… Mr… R… Raines…?” Kate gasped out.
“What’s left of me at least,” Mr. Raines grumbled as he limped over to Kate and quickly began undoing her straps to the table, “damn thing almost ripped my head off, but one swing of the barrel to its eye and I was able to get away… Can’t say it didn’t do its damage though… I’m… Getting really fucking hungry…”
He shook his head violently before limping over to me. He then raised an eyebrow at me when he saw how I was positioned still on the floor with a bare foot in my hands shackled to the floor.
“I… I was… I… I thought you were-“ I stammered.
“I am,” Mr. Raines interrupted, “at least, I’m on my way there anyway.” He then retrieved my Glock from his back pocket. “I don’t know what that thing did to me, but I’m not gonna make it out of this alive, or the way I came in. It’s a massacre out there by the way. Lot of men in blue bodies out there… Very… Hard to ignore… Sure more will be on their way. So.”
With that, Mr. Raines pointed at my chains and pulled the trigger on my clock, barely giving me time to cover my ears as the sound rung out loudly in the basement. I shook my head, trying to undo the blurry and ringing side effects of the sound of a gun going off near your head. I gave the older man a glare before standing and snatching my Glock from his hands. That’s when I saw Kate shifting herself to the side of the metal table she was no longer tied to, trying to get her limbs to comply with her to help her off and on to the floor.
I ran over and grabbed her just as she nearly stumbled face first to the floor and lifted her up to her feet, her body heavy with lack of keeping herself up.
“Do you think you can walk?” I asked, trying to keep her on her feet.
“I… I don’t… I…” Kate stammered as she tried to push herself off of me while also using using me as a crutch until she could stand on her own. However, she didn’t seem to be able to put any kind of pressure on her legs without falling down.
“Kate?” A girl’s voice called out from above us.
Feeling Kate shudder, I realized that it must have been the sound of Sonja’s voice and Mrs. Larson was using her to keep Kate from running. I quickly swung my arm down behind her knees, pressing the other down on her back as I lifted her up off the floor, my Glock at the ready as I kept it pointed in front of me while my arm held up Kate’s knees.
“She must have heard the gunshots,” I pointed out, “how’d you get past her in the first place?”
“I set the other cabins on fire,” Mr. Raines answered as if it were the simplest of answers, “I had to distract her somehow and give those bodies she’d been eating a better fate than becoming her shit.”
“Are you planning on setting this place on fire too?” I asked.
“‘Course I am!” Mr. Raines exclaimed, seemingly offended I’d even ask. “I already doused it in gasoline, I ain’t wasting all that time!”
“Kate!” Sonja’s voice cried out, getting closer to the basement door. “Are you seriously leaving me here to die alone again!”
“Please… Make it… Stop…” Kate sniffed as she gripped my shirt and burying her face into the fabric.
“Let’s get you two out of here.” Mr. Raines began leading the way to the basement stairs, cocking his rifle as he did so.
“What about you?” I asked, immediately following after him.
Mr. Raines didn’t answer as he stomped up the stairs and kicked the door open to the first floor of the cabin. The stench of the gasoline he had spilled hitting me harshly in my face.
“Kate!” Sonja’s voice, along with a different crescendo of male voices shrieked out as Mrs. Larson appeared from the corner of the hallway where the basement was located.
“Leighton?” A different woman’s voice asked the moment the old woman’s eyes spotted Mr. Raines. I then watched in both shock and confusion as it almost looked like the very skin on the woman melted off to reveal a much younger woman. The woman I recognized as Bonnie Collins. “Leighton… Love is that you?”
Mr. Raines kept his rifle on the vision of the woman he once loved before her murder, but didn’t move or speak.
“Darling, I’ve missed you so much!” The fake Bonnie cried out as she began making her way to Mr. Raines with arms open wide to hug him.
Mr. Raines then lifted his gun up higher, placing his finger on the trigger which caused the vision to stop in her place.
“Leighton?” The fake Bonnie asked. “Baby, it’s me… Bun-Bun… Don’t you recognize me…?” She began to tear up.
“You’re not my Bunny,” Mr. Raines growled before he shot once at the woman.
The fake Bonnie swiftly dodged the bullet, an inhuman hiss coming from an unhinged mouth, revealing a row of long, sharp teeth. The skin of Bonnie then melted off to reveal another woman, a lot younger than the first one it intimidated. The face of one of the victims upon being brought on this case.
“Kate,” the fake Sonja called out, “Kate, what are you doing? Who are these men? Why are they trying to hurt me?”
Kate let out a sobbing gasp, her nails digging into my shoulder with her arm wrapped around my neck.
“Didn’t I suffer enough?” The fake Sonja asked. “First my boyfriend and now you? Why don’t you want to be with me anymore?”
“Shut up!” Kate demanded. “You’re not Sonja! You killed her, you killed all of them! I don’t care what happens to me, but I’m not letting their memories end with you!”
Kate then snatched my Glock from my hand under her legs and shot directly at the fake Sonja’s head. Again the shot missed as the fake vision of the girl slithered out of the way, a frustrated growl of a dog and human escaping it’s mouth. It then zipped to the side, cowering with its back to us on the floor.
“Lucky dime…” A child’s voice then took over. The vision’s skin melting now to a much smaller figure. “Is this what you want? To kill me all over again?” He turned to look up at me, Liam’s face forever eight-years-old staring up at me. “It’s no wonder mommy and daddy hate you now… You were always a shitty brother… Now, I’m gonna starve to death because you’d rather help a couple of strangers.”
“I’m sorry, Liam,” I replied, everyone, including the fake Liam looking to me in surprise, “I left you alone out here and that’s what got you killed by that thing out there and I’m sorry. But, if I’d stayed it may have been both of us and then mom and dad would have no one left to blame but each other. If you had left and I was the one killed, you’d probably be in my shoes instead. I’m sorry for letting you get killed, but I’m gonna make up for it now.”
I then took my Glock back from Kate and pointed it to the vision of Liam.
“Good bye, Liam.”
I shot the gun once again, missing the creature again, however, this time I just kept shooting, Mr. Raines following after. Our different bullets just kept firing, the thing dodging and trying to get closer to us. The creature screeched out at us in a myriad of different voices both familiar and unknown. It wasn’t until one shot from my Glock struck the creatures shoulder and Mr. Raines’ rifle struck its head when the skins of everyone it was trying to turn into all melted off, revealing Mrs. Larson once again.
However, this time, she looked shriveled, older than she looked before. Her face looked deformed, beginning to grow furry, her eyes growing nothing but red, no irises, no pupils, just red. Her hair grew longer, branches like antlers growing painfully out from her skull, breaking the skin as they grew larger. The lower half of her face grew elongated, turning into that of a muzzle of fangs and a drooling mouth.
“You… All… Have no rrrrrrriiiiiight!” A different, unknown voice snarled out from what used to be Mrs. Larson. “People liiiiiike you all… Abandoned me and myyyyyyyyy sister!” The fur growing around this thing grew out short and shaggy, the cloths it was using melting off with the skin and flesh it was wearing. It now didn’t look anything like a human woman. It now took the form of a large wolf mixed with that of a deer, it’s body dog-like with hooves, antlers, and a long, scraggly tail. “You lot abandoned us here! You left us all here to diiiiiiiie!”
Guilt was weighing down on me with each syllable it was growling. Kate looked away from it, burying her face in my neck as Mr. Raines lowered his rifle.
“Nooooow, you’re bringing more here to just leave and let die out here!” It went on, it’s horrifying, broken body shuddering. “Why let them just vanish and die up here when they can bring people like my sister and I back? Give me Kate’s heart and fix what you threeeeeeeeee failed!”
Mr. Raines then handed over his rifle to Kate, placing it down on her stomach as her hands were still wrapped around my neck. The older man made his way over to stand over the thing, its neck creaking like a rusted door as it turned its wolf-like head to look up at him.
“Leighton…” Bonnie’s voice came from the creature. “Give mmmmeeeee her heart aaaannnnd we can be togetherrrrr again… If you eat the deeeeeetective’s we can saaaaaave you tooooooo…”
“My Bunny’s dead,” Mr. Raines told it as he dug in his pocket and took out a carton of matches, “and so am I.”
“You’d burn your wife?” A mix of Bonnie and Mrs. Larson’s voices shrieked as it glared at the match he took from the match box.
“You’re not my wife,” Mr. Raines told it, “and I’ll never see her again.”
“Fooooooool,” Mr. Larson’s voice chuckled, “you’llllllll killllllll us both!”
“With the shit I’ve done in my life, I know you’re taking me to Hell with you,” Mr. Raines growled back as he struck the match on the box, “so I’m sure as fuck not afraid to burn here on Earth with you!”
Mr. Raines then dropped the match to the floor right before the creature and everything around the two of them immediately went up in flames, the fur of the creature catching quickly and engulfing it. An agonized shriek echoed out all around us, the creature thrashing in the fire it had gotten swallowed up in. Mr. Raines then grabbed it by it’s long, furry throat and swung it down back flat the floor, jumping to pin it down.
“Get out!” Mr. Raines cried out to me. “Leave here!”
Not needing to be told twice, I held onto Kate tightly and bolted past the two burning bodies, jumping over the fire as it began growing fast throughout the cabin. I quickly got to the front door and stopped to look back to see Mr. Raines fighting the creature and preventing it from coming after us, it begging for me to bring Kate back and that it would die without her.
“I’ll clear your name,” I called back, trying not to reel back in horror as I saw Mr. Raines skin begin to melt off, “I’ll let people know you didn’t kill Bonnie!”
“I’ll let people know you didn’t… Kill… Liam!” Mr. Raines’ voice called back, him thrashing around with Mrs. Larson as he said my brother’s name in my voice.
I turned back and kicked the front door open, rushing Kate out of the burning cabin. I ran until I got far enough from the smoke, turning back to see all three cabins now on fire, the area around them all ablaze. The only place untouched was Mrs. Larson’s house, all the evidence remaining. I could hear sirens in the distance coming closer. The sounds of shouts from the surviving officers sounding much closer.
“I’m here… I’m here… I’m here…”
I looked to the front porch of Mrs. Larson’s house where her recorder continued to call out for her sister. I set Kate down at the base of a nearby tree and ran to snatch the recorder, shutting it off. I searched around, looking for any signs of Prudence, but it appeared that the fire and the sounds of sirens and voices had scared her off. I ran back to Kate, her eyes closed and her not responding to me calling to her, but after checking her pulse and breathing, I found that the medication Mrs. Larson had given her had finally taken over and she was now fast asleep, the rifle Mr. Raines gave her still sitting on her rhythmically rising and falling stomach.
Letting out a sigh of relief, I leaned against the same tree I set Kate down on and slid down to the ground next to her. The first two cabins were already practically nothing but ash, the last still blazing as I heard the slowly fading screams of Mrs. Larson and Mr. Raines coming from inside.
When the screaming ended all together, the smoke turning blacker as it rose from the flames, I got to my feet and took out my pack of cigarettes as I approached the fires, staying far enough away not to get burned. I opened the pack up before stopping myself as I reached for one of the ten remaining cigarettes inside. I then flung the entire carton into the fires without taking one.
“Save one for me down there, you old bastard,” I told Mr. Raines before making my way back to Kate’s side.
It wasn’t long before the remaining officers found us, looking in confusion at the fires and to me with a sleeping victim in a homicide case on the ground. I told them we’d need to call an ambulance for Kate and that we needed to keep the flames from getting to Mrs. Larson’s house as it held evidence on the case. One officer retrieved his radio and called for an ambulance while a group ran to the house and another went to try controlling the fire as best they could by yanking out any bushes near by and throwing them away from the area around the house.
Luckily, the fire trucks were called long before the fire spread too far, residence noticing it practically the moment Mr. Raines set the first cabin on fire.
As I sat there, keeping Kate held up against the tree we sat under, I listened to the crackling of the fire, the sirens of fast approaching fire trucks and the ambulance, and the sounds of distance, coyote, almost human, howling.

Hey everyone, this is my first post on this community page. I've been a newly qualified nurse in the NHS for 6 months, and I'm contemplating leaving my first RN position. My parents don’t speak English, so I help them with daily responsibilities, which can be very stressful. I worry about them while at work in case of an emergency. My sister and I have sought help from the council and social services, but their support is limited, so we handle most of it ourselves.
I work in the ophthalmology outpatient department, which has a high patient flow. We see about 250-300 patients a day across various clinics. While I love my supportive team, the management is problematic. 4 months in, I was put on call after a long day, totaling 15 hours, with another long shift the following day. I was reassured I wouldn’t be on call until I felt confident and that it was unlikely to get called out at night, but that wasn't reassuring as my colleagues on call have been called out. By that stage, I wasn’t confident as I’ was still new. When I told my line manager this, she said I’d be fine. I don’t understand how they allow on-call for nurses who do long days and may need to stay late, then get called anytime at night. It’s inhumane hours. I understand night shifts on wards as you know what hours you’ll do.
Another problem is that staff have raised issues about clinics numerous times to management, but they seem to shrug it off and not sort things out. During my supernumerary period, I initially received support, but after getting some things signed off, I was left to work on my own. Although I have a preceptor, I rarely get to work with her now. Initially, I loved this job, but after 4 months, it’s overwhelming due to the high patient volume. I feel deskilled as my tasks are limited to checking visual acuity, intra-ocular pressure, blood pressure, blood glucose, and instilling eye drops. I've had to take time off work due to stress at home and work, and I have recurring gastrointestinal issues under investigation by my doctor.
I loved community nursing and the minor injuries unit in my third year student nurse placement. I was offered a community post but declined it for this current job due to worrying about car wear. I now regret it because community nursing offers a lot in terms of skills, learning opportunities, and career progression. I’ve realized I want a nursing job with transferable skills and a variety of clinical tasks, which ophthalmology doesn’t offer. I'm constantly looking for other job opportunities, including community and practice nursing, though practice nursing is very competitive and I was declined.
I’ve just been put on bank/locum to potentially do extra shifts in the department, but they also said I can do shifts around the hospital. I'm terrified because I don’t give medications besides eye drops, do IVs, bloods, or catheterizations, which some places need. I’ll likely just be doing healthcare jobs which I’m fine with but areas may want a nurse with those skills.
Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Hi there, I am newly diagnosed with underactive thyroid (afternoon TSH was around 5.5, so probs a bit higher overall) and I have been on 50mg of levo for almost four weeks.
Overall, I have felt a bit better though I am finding that stress is causing some symptoms to return but in general I have a bit more energy etc so I think my dosage might already be close to correct (I guess I won't know until the next blood test).
In the last day or two, I have actually felt like I have enough energy to do a bit of exercise for the first time in a long time. I am very unfit at the moment due to the fatigue and bad habits. I am also overweight (160 lbs/73kgs at only 5ft/155cm).
This morning I pulled out my aerobics step and did 25 mins of low intensity stepping - meaning enough to sweat a bit but I wasn't gasping for breath - probably a brisk walk's intensity. About 20 mins later, I was sitting down to eat lunch and noticed that my eyesight had gone very blurry on one side - kind of like aura before a migraine... I ate and it got a bit worse and then a bit better - this was over about 30 mins... I can see well now but I would say it has been tough to write this and tougher to proof read it so apologies for any odd mistakes. So whilst my vision is restored, I may have some lingering confusion.
The doctor said I don't have diabetes (and didn't mention that I'm pre-diabetic or anything - I believe my blood sugar was normal). In addition, I did have a pretty substantial breakfast today - scrambled eggs in a bagel, and that was about 2 hours before the light exercise.
Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this? No migraine yet but it could still be "normal" aura!

What is Bhagwa Atheism ?

A hypocritical and privileged form of atheism that is critical against any religion (particularly Islam), but harbours sympathy for his religion in which they were born i.e. Hinduism.

Why is this sympathy?

The answer is simple ...casteism, we shall discuss this later on how this is deeply rooted in caste based privileges that facilitates such thinking. To understand this let me explain from my point of view:

According Marxism, in a feudalist/semi-feudalist/capitalist society there are two types of classes mostly, namely: the Bourgeois (the ruling class who controls the means of production and generates profit from the exploitation of working classes labour power) and The Workers (or Proletariats) (who do not own any means of production and has no power to purchase labour power of others, and they survive solely by selling their own labour power).
These classes emerge only at a certain stage in the development of the productive forces and the social division of labour, when there exists a social surplus of production, which makes it possible for one class to benefit by the expropriation of another. The conflict between classes there begins, founded in the division of the social surplus, and constitutes the fundamental antagonism in all class.

This holds true in case of several capitalist nations such as US, Canada, South Korea, etc. But however in case of India this classification becomes complicated due to yet another form of classification which effectively nullified any form of possible class conflict, 'Casteism'.

What is Casteism in Hinduism ?

Hindu Casteism (from material basis) is a form of hereditary class based on hierarchal order which ensures the flow the capital to the top most caste order and control over modes of production with the help of religious decrees itself.
It's a classification which sets 'permanent classes' based on their 'assigned' modes of production and their position within it's societal superstructures according to their hierarchy set by the 'permanent' ruling classes.
Once you take birth in one of these castes (hereditary classes), you'll be automatically assigned to the forces of production according to the 'order', which you'll do for the rest of your life.
Unlike Class, Casteism severally restricted upward mobility of people belonging to the lower strata of the Caste order, exception being a few handpicked intermediate 'gate keeping' castes loyal to this system. Who were sometimes rewarded by promotion, to become ruling classes itself.

So what changed this ?

Pre-arrival of British colonisation, caste and class were very much indistinguishable. Apart from ruling class there were hand picked bourgeois intermediate classes (vaishya) who were in direct service to the upper caste (sometimes the roles were reversed). The proletarian class (shudra and pariahs) were pretty much same as their european counterparts, lacked capital and hence no control over their means of production, in addition to that they also faced inhumane discrimination because of the caste in which they were born in. Thus were looked down upon as inferior subhumans.
This discriminatory system ensured poverty of the lower caste and prosperity of the top order, despite the lower caste comprising 90% of the population, as well as guaranteed cheap labour and exploitation of the working class 'caste'.
However with the introduction of colonial capitalism by Britishers the modes of production of old feudal order 'fused' with it to become a semi-industrial semi-feudal economy. This is when for the first time the European styled working classes began to take shape in India, parallel to hereditary classes that is casteism. This also introduced new bougeois classes within every community irrespective of their caste, but it's topic for another discussion.
Irrespective of the changes the older hereditary classes still affected this new order, those belonging to upper caste still had access to privileged jobs, better positions and capitals, hence were comparatively in better & prosperous position to that of those belonging to the lower strata of the older caste based order. With the introduction of 'English Education Act 1835' and later 'Macaulay Committee 1854' by Britishers, it further cemented caste order within this new colonial administration, ensuring the hierarchy of the upper caste and exploitation of oppressed castes.

Privileged classes and Caste blind class struggle

In words of Thomas Babington Macaulay:

"We (Britishers) should try to create a class of people, who would work as translators between the people who we are ruling and us, even though they may look like Indians by color; but their likes and dislikes, morals and thinking will be like an Englishman"

As, we can see the British were ok with the casteism as long as it ensured their hold and smooth management of their empire. Sure they helped abolishing the gut wrenching misogynistic practices such as 'Sati' but made almost zero effort to abolish caste system and untouchability (as this would mean they'll loose insubordination of intermediate 'gate keeping' classes that were in service to the British crown.
This new Intermediate urban classes had privileges to several rights within colonial administration in comparison to ordinary classes, however as we have mentioned earlier that with the introduction of colonial capitalism majority of castes further split into binary classes, economically forward and backward classes (note : this was only in case of upper and intermediate castes, majority of oppressed castes were still under poverty). The economically forward classes were infact the privileged classes and the economically backward classes began to fall in the borderline category between Upper-intermediate castes and Lower castes.
And this where 'caste blind' atheism, secularism, and socialism originates from. Who saw capitalism as well as colonialism as cruel system/occupation with respect to their material conditions but failed to emancipate and recognise inhumane treatment faced by those below their classes.
But does this mean that they were barred same as oppressed communities in upward mobility within this colonial capitalism?
No, They still had access to capitalist progress and upward mobility within the society. Simply put,

Casteism filtered oppressed castes from upward mobility within this new capitalist order while capitalism ensured that there will be limited progressiveness within the upper caste friendly circles.

So, whenever an economically backward class member transitioned into economically forward class they carried out his former progressive social ideas to their new found social position within society, while simultaneously giving up their resistance to capitalism. This new default ideology was known liberalism.
British colonial administration in India had many parallels with Apartheid system, but that is debate for another topic.

Consequences of Caste blindness in other '–isms'

With important positions still in access to powerful 'caste blind' and 'casteist' members of the society, they began to clash for power struggle. But they all had one commonality, they didn't gave up their caste identity.
During independence this power struggle began to materialise in two types of ideologies basically – 'caste blind' Leftism and 'meritocracy' based liberalism/conservativism but non of them were seriously against at each others throat as they were getting equal opportunities for their personal betterment.
But, what did the oppressed caste proletariats gain from this? Nothing.
They only got a chance at betterment when Dr. Ambedkar, Jyotiba Phule, Savitri Bai Phule,etc began to make efforts at upliftment of them. However their efforts lacked anti-capitalist approach which emphasized less on capitalist oppression more on caste based emancipation. Which later proved detrimental in their efforts.

Modern day India and caste based wealth inequality

After the ( ½) implementation of Mandal Commission and Naxal Uprising, it began to perturb this harmonic 'clash' between conservatives and progressive left-liberal dynamics as it began to inject more and more political conciousness within the oppressed communities for reservations and political participation.
This is where the concept of savarna meritocracy, comes forth.

Illusion of Meritocracy

Meritocracy is a belief that affirmative actions results in positive results and vise versa in reality is a capitalist hypothesis, a fallacy which fuels the illusion that we are in a merit-based system.

Meritocracies tend to stratify over time. Successful people will pass on their wealth and privileges to their children and can perpetuate a widening inequality of opportunities. It can lead to the misplaced belief that only their talents and hard work account for their success, neglecting the support they have received. — Chan Chun Sing, Min. of Education, Singapore

This meritocratic illusion began to impose predetermined conditions which were biased and opaque on underprivileged candidates, missing to match their criterion in fixed amount of time means ruining of candidate's dreams. In other words it was an underhand tactics to filter out 'representation based/unfavourable candidates' and simply stereotyping them as 'unworthy', disregarding the unequal support the competing candidates got due to their material conditions and pretends that they 'reward the best of the best,' also overlooking the possibility of discrimination faced by oppressed caste students at hands of Upper caste dominant faculties.

After 1960 more and more population of the United States spent more than one-fourth of their entire lifetime in schools, from ages two to twenty-two. As on so many other levels and ways of mass democracy, inflation had set in, diminishing drastically the content and the quality of learning: more and more young people, after twenty years in schools, could not read or write without difficulty. Schools are overcrowded, including colleges and universities. In this increasingly bureaucratized world little more than the possession of various diplomas mattered. Since admission to certain schools-rather than the consequently almost automatic acquisition of degrees-depended on increasingly competitive examinations, the word “ meritocracy“ was coined, meaning that the rising positions to be acquired in society depended on the category of the degree and on the category of the college or university where from one graduate. In reality the term “meritocracy“ was misleading. As in so many of these spheres of life, the rules that govern the practices and functions of schools and universities were bureaucratic rather than meritocratic. It is bureaucracy, not meritocracy, the categorizes the employment of people by their academic degrees. The number and the variation of degrees awarded by higher institutions grew to a fantastic, and nonsensical, extent. Besides being custodial, the purpose of institutional education was now the granting of degrees to provide instant employment. – John Lukacs (At the End of an Age)

Final Conclusion

Provided all factors what we can conclude that Bhagwa Atheism, is form of Hindu upper caste exceptionalism (Agonistic Atheism) which believes in:
•the illusionary meritocracy that their material conditions is due to the (upper) caste in which they were born in.
•hating all religious dogma belonging to all faiths (including hinduism) but still hold dear to their caste based identity, hence the sympathy for hinduism.
•merit based order, refuses to acknowledge caste discrimination and caste wealth gap, sees it as inherited inability.
•convenient switching between Atheism and minimal Hinduism.
•convenient switching between liberalism and conservativism.
Thus, it's a type of agonistic atheism which does more & more damage to gnostic atheist beliefs and their critical thinking potential, making them more and more susceptible towards theism. In case of ex-hindus it's hinduism.

Hello everyone. My name is Matthew, I'm 22 and I have no idea what the f is happening to me. I'll be brief. Since this February I've been dealing with (what i think at least) Neuropathy-like symptoms. Such as tingling, shooting pain,very mild numbness but a very annoying and frightful (to me at least) burning sensation. Now I want to point the attention to the burning sensation. It's literally everywhere in my body but it's very sporadic. It's sometimes in my eyes,on my fingers,on my toes around my lips on my back but mostly in my arms, very rarely in my legs. It was also in my tongue and even...yes down there in my privates,At the beginning it was 8-9/10 and it was driving me crazy, because I was freaking burning alive but there was nothing on my skin. Of course I immediately went to the doctor and he gave me blood tests and stuff to do. Blood test perfectly normal; No sing of inflammations, no sings of any possible tumor. All normal. So I booked a neurologist. Crazy enough he found nothing remotely similar to a never damage especially because i was able to do everything he asked me (at the visit) with my eyes closed. He told that he found no need for TCs, MRI scans or EMG, whatsoever, because ,as I told him, my burning sensation isn't localized and comes and goes sporadically. He therefore told me me I'm dealing with a psychosomatization of anxiety and sent me to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist gave me Xanx and Sertraline. I've been taking them but i had to stop because Sertraline sent me to the hospital because i literally was vomiting my soul out. Had to stop immediately. As for Xanx i gradually stooped but the does wasn't high at all. Literally 10 drops: 5 in the day 5 before sleeping. The burning sensation unfortunately didn't cease but i have to say that now it's a lot more manageable and milder. Heck,it was literally a 8-9/10 and now it's a 4-5/10, but it's still here. Huge Mistake, searching on Google, that's why I'm here. I am terrified. Needless to say i booked another neurologist in short hopefully this time i get a clearer answer. Although i did hear anxiety can cause literally any sort of symptom, I find it very wierd that such a symptom like mine (random and not localized burning sensation) can be related to anxiety. Yet,what my base doctor told me was "If you truly were to have a neuropathy the symptoms would get worse and worse and not even Xanax or Sertraline helped you" Now, Maybe he's right but I'm still here..."burning". My biggest fear is to suddenly collapse and find myself in a hospital bed with the diagnosis of an underlying tumor,MS or something even more serious and be paralyzed head to toe or lose a foot or whatever of deadly i can think about. Yes, I'm highly hypochondriac, but i can't help it. I'm too scared. Then again,so far nothing too concerning happened to me and the burning sensation got even more bearable,as i said. I'm still able to walk,jog,run,swim, drive, haven't lost my strength and can do everything I normally could do throughout these four months. And yet I still..."burn". I'm seriously scared. I have to see my psychiatrist as well this week, and given I'm off the meds he's probably gonna tell me i need CBT. As for the neurologist, that's gonna take some more time because i live in Italy and Healthcare in Italy isn't the absolute best. But that's not the point. Guys, what do you think i should do, besides what I'm already doing? Do you think i have a sort of misdiagnosed incurable Neuropathy that is slowly killing me or do you think I'm overreacting? I'm noticing asking for a diagnosis or anything else like that. I just want to know whether I should be seriously afraid or not.

Prequel (Chapters 1 to 16)
1. Rise of a Valkyrie
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When Kayla awoke, she found herself curled up on a couch in the Banshee’s infirmary. In the nearest bed, Thandi appeared to be sleeping peacefully. Across from her, Yak was hooked up to several scary looking tubes, but her vitals looked stable. Most of the rest of the beds were also filled. Another successful Valkyrie operation, Kayla thought, bitterly.
She didn’t remember the trip back from the planet. She did remember being told that nobody had found any sign of Rayker, and that memory kindled a little of the rage that never burned out. They had been through a nightmare for nothing.
“I wondered how long you would be asleep,” a voice said.
Kayla turned to see Christie sat on the end of her couch. Her friend seemed to be weighed down by sadness as she put aside the tablet she was typing on and smiled back at her.
“Wha— uh…” Kayla managed, as her stiff tongue flapped helplessly. She yawned and stretched.
“Twenty-three wounded in total,” Christie said. “Thandi will walk again in a week. Yak’s going to be in a coma for the next month. Fortunately, nothing struck her vital organs. And, by the way, one of the Raider squads was also involved in a friendly fire incident.”
Kayla focused on her, then looked away. “Jesus,” she said to herself. “God dammit.”
“Thandi wouldn’t like that,” Christie scolded. “Heathen.”
Kayla stood up and began to pace slowly as she wrapped her arms around herself. “I can’t believe I—”
“I’m going to stop you right there,” Christie said, “because you’ve been asleep for about ten hours. In the interim, I was able to speak with several Rangers about what happened. It was not your fault. Not entirely.”
Kayla shook her head. “Yes, it was. Oh, God, yes it was. I should have seen them, I should have had a stronger optic, I should have—”
“Corporal Rudaski misread her map. So did the leader of second squad. You were both actually in hall hotel-four. The base was constructed in a circular pattern of radially linked zones, orbiting a central facility. It’s a highly abstract layout that we have never seen before. Most Ranger battalions have spent the last several centuries clearing logical, grid-like layouts in ships and bunkers. Under fire, it is easy to see how confusion caused units to lose track of their positions as they advanced. Most of the platoons did, actually, at one point or another. And, in my opinion, we did not have anything like the troop numbers needed to comfortably secure that site. A consequence, no doubt, of Valkyrie’s failure to prepare and train for large scale deployments, for which there has been no requirement in at least a millennia, so they tell me.”
Kayla turned to her with a puzzled expression. “You figured all that out already?”
“I’m drafting a report on the matter. I can’t sleep, you see, because the flaws of this operation stem entirely from the task force’s desire to follow Rayker until she discovered the tracker. We found it in the central command chamber. It was sealed in a wrapping of fat and muscle tissue, which she obviously cut out of herself hours before the tamper alarm sensed the toxins of cell decay. She left it there for us to find. To taunt us, no doubt.”
Christie yawned deeply, stood up and brushed her sweater off. “Do you see, Kayla, that the intelligence team were making decisions based off of my actions on Ambrosia, when I planted that device?” She smiled bitterly. “And I had the arrogance to think I was outwitting the woman. So, in a way, it’s my fault.”
Kayla swallowed and slowly shook her head. Then she grabbed her friend and held her in a tight hug. “War sucks,” she said. “Everything about it is awful.”
“I agree. Nevertheless, we are drawn to it, like moths to a flame perhaps?”
Kayla released her and collapsed into the couch. “When I slept, I had a dream. I was in Plato’s cave, but I got free. Outside there was a dragon, burning everything in sight. The world was covered in ash, and the puppets casting shadows were dead bodies,” She wiped moisture out of her eye. “He said, ‘come out and play, little girl’.”
Christie nodded. “We were lucky nobody was killed today. Rayker will certainly cost us more blood before we manage to catch her. She could have set up a much stronger defense than a battalion of light combat drones, but she didn’t.”
Kayla reached into her pocket and found her necklace. She placed it over her head and ran a thumb over the engraved name.
She looked back at Christie. “Why not?”
“The freighter the Sirène caught was carrying several large combat walkers, produced by that plant. A deep space survey revealed that a second freighter had jumped away earlier. No doubt Rayker’s escape—she seems to have plotted a course opposite the star from where we stopped at the minefield. There seems to be no question that she had the main force of those machines with her.”
“Any idea where they went?”
Christie turned away to retrieve her tablet. “Not yet, unfortunately.”
“May the saints have mercy,” said a voice, “if a shot up woman cannot get a wink of sleep with all the talking in here.”
Kayla whirled around to see Thandi, sitting up in her bed. She darted over and grabbed her into a bearhug.
“I’m really sorry I got you shot,” she said.
“Yeah,” Thandi said looking pleased with herself. “And to apologize, you’ll be fetching me chocolate cake from the mess until I get out of here.” She lowered her voice. “Seriously though, Kayla, I need you. The food is terrible.”
Kayla chuckled. “You can count on me.”
“How are you feeling, wonder woman?”
“Oh, uh… not that wonderful to be honest.”
“Leaping tall structures in a single bound?” Thandi grinned admiringly at her. “You had a bit of a superhero moment.”
Kayla raised her eyebrows. “I tore half the muscles in my body. It was definitely not awesome.”
“Sure looked like it. I don’t even know how you do stuff like that. The Lord moved you.”
Christie cleared her throat and gave Thandi a significant look.
Thandi rolled her eyes. “It’s a compliment—I’m not diminishing what you did.”
Kayla returned her cheerful gaze with a flat expression. She had felt like everyone she cared about was about to die. Like her soul had been lit on fire, and the only way to put it out had been to move like a lightning bolt. It was not something she ever wanted to experience again.
“I was on probation for the incident on Ambrosia,” she reminded Thandi. “I will definitely be dropped back to private from now on.”
“Oh,” Thandi’s sparkling eyes darkened. “Well, that sucks. I hope they don’t. You straight up saved us all from an ambush at the start of that firefight. And the illume drone—you made lots of good calls down there.”
Kayla shook her head. “I shouldn’t be a team leader. I keep losing control. I can’t let… I don’t respond well when any of you are in danger.”
Thandi grabbed her hand, and squeezed it. “What happens to us is not up to you, my dear. It’s in God’s hands alone.”
Kayla didn’t know what to say. She wasn’t sure if she could accept that.
“How’s the pain?” Christie asked.
“Oh,” Thandi said and waved her hand. “Nothing too severe. I think of how Rose would be responding, and I know I can handle anything.”
Christie nodded silently.
“She speaks to me, in my dreams. She tells me how proud she is of us.” Thandi glanced at Kayla. “She says you are a true leader.”
Kayla turned away, unable to keep her eyes from tearing up.
“Will you be up in time for the merger?” Christie asked.
“On crutches maybe,” Thandi said. “But I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I can’t imagine anything more glorious.”
“What’s that?” Kayla asked before slowly turning back.
“The Banshee is returning to Tyr,” Christie explained. “On the way back, we have been tasked with collecting a probe that was observing a binary star merger. We will have the opportunity to observe the event live.”
“Whatever,” Kayla said with an eye roll. She was a little offended that their task force had been assigned a science project after what had happened. “Nerd stuff, right?”
Christie laughed, and met Thandi’s eyes with a smirk. “If you say so.”
Thandi shifted against her pillows. “How is the mood of the ship?” she said to Christie. “Are people still angry?”
“What do you mean?” Kayla cut in.
Thandi glanced back and forth between them. “You didn’t tell her?”
Christie waved a dismissive hand. “Oh, but with all that’s happening I didn’t think it pertinent. Why add to our already substantial burdens?”
“What’s going on?” Kayla demanded, and felt her hair stand on end.
Christie smiled tightly. “ODT Four seized the freighter and searched it thoroughly. No evidence of Rayker, as I said.”
“Yeah? And?”
“Well, they found a false compartment in one of the holds. And there were a pair of young teenagers inside. A boy and a girl.”
“In rags, and chained up,” Thandi added.
Kayla realized her jaw had clenched. She felt her skin crawl with a new kind of horror. “Oh my God,” she said, then glanced at Thandi. “Sorry.”
“In this case you get a dispensation.”
“Obviously,” Christie continued, “the pour souls will be returned to their families. A terrible situation.”
Kayla’s mind buzzed with questions. “What is—uh… where was it from? The ship?”
“Intaba,” Thandi said sullenly. “A VennZech registered vessel. Justice cannot come swiftly enough for the demon scum who perpetrated this evil on my homeworld…” she frowned as she lost her words, and clenched her fists together.
“Do you think Valkyrie will start interdicting their ships?” Kayla asked.
“No,” Christie said. “Hence the angry mood. It is a problem the organization has faced since humanity took to the stars. The chieftains have resolutely refused to address it. Our mission statement is to protect humanity, not interfere with their conduct. Frankly I have to agree with them, though I appear to be in the minority.”
Kayla stared at her incredulously. “But that’s bullshit,” she said. “How can you be okay with letting something like that go?”
Christie arched an eyebrow. “A secret army of super soldiers, with access to civilization destroying technology, and who answer—as far as we know—to nobody but themselves? The very thought of interfering gives me an existential crisis. However tragic the situation, it seems obvious that we must maintain our distance.”
Kayla shook her head. She already felt hot anger driving her to act. How could such monsters be allowed to walk freely in a just galaxy?
“All that it takes for evil to succeed—” Thandi began.
“Please can we not continue this conversation?” Christie snapped. “I’ve had enough of being insulted by some of my colleagues. I don’t want it from my friends too.”
Kayla exchanged looks with Thandi, but she owed her best friend the space she wanted.
“I promise, I won’t bring it up again, Chris,” she said.
***
Kayla ate in the ship’s mess then returned to her bunk, where the rest of the squad were waiting. They were talking in somber tones, but fell silent when she approached.
Kes stood up and beckoned to her. “Platoon ready room, this way.”
Once shut away in privacy, Kes sat her down and they retraced every event that had occurred inside the base. Every decision was picked apart minutely, with no judgement or grievance allowed.
“I needed us to go through this as soon as possible,” she explained. “This will sit with you for the rest of your life. We all made mistakes, but nobody should feel incriminated. I have been through five blue on blue incidents. This shit just happens, and I guarantee it will happen to you again in the future.”
Kayla felt a little relief as she spoke with her squad leader and found that she was neither alone, nor justified in hating herself. They had been moving quickly through a confusing environment, making a deadly situation much more likely.
“One last thing, though,” Kes added somberly. “Private Voigt from second squad fired the burst that hit Yak and Thandi. She is being removed from the battalion. By her own account, she returned Yak’s fire without any kind of communication with her team leader, or any attempt to check the position of friendlies. That was a major SOP violation when she knew they were expecting to move in our direction.”
Kayla absorbed this with shock. She couldn’t argue with it; after all, what good was a Ranger who couldn’t do her job? And didn’t that mean that the same punishment should apply to her?
She cleared her throat. Terror gnawed at her insides as Kes stared at her expectantly.
“I lost control again,” Kayla said.
“Yup,” Kes said, and rubbed her eyes with obvious frustration. “And this time, your actions swiftly ended a dangerous firefight following a terrible accident. Yak got immediate medical attention because of that. On the other hand, you put yourself in a position to be killed or wounded where no-one could help you.”
There was a long pause while the corporal appeared to search a distant horizon. “You don’t need a lecture, and Akane can’t make a decision on you. Yak was my next choice for Lance Corporal, but she’s out of action, along with a bunch of others. Together with this Rayker shitshow, it is not the time to be shuffling people around.”
Kayla’s brow furrowed “What about Ray?”
“Oh,” Kes ran a hand through her hair. “Every time I’ve offered it, she’s refused. Anyway, we’ve already been told by Captain Aguilar to expect a new private out of Ranger school once we return to Tyr.”
“Yes, Corporal,” Kayla said, unsure what to think about the decision.
“I’ve seen you make good decisions in the field. But I will push to replace you when the opportunity comes up again.” Kes narrowed her eyes. “Unless you can show me I’m wrong before that happens.”
Kayla left the room with her head spinning. She was keeping her job, even though she obviously didn’t have what it took to lead Rangers in combat.
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Prequel (Chapters 1 to 16)
1. Rise of a Valkyrie

Prequel (Parts 1 to 16)
1. Rise of a Valkyrie
First ¦ Previous ¦ Royal Road ¦ Patreon
When Kayla awoke, she found herself curled up on a couch in the Banshee’s infirmary. In the nearest bed, Thandi appeared to be sleeping peacefully. Across from her, Yak was hooked up to several scary looking tubes, but her vitals looked stable. Most of the rest of the beds were also filled. Another successful Valkyrie operation, Kayla thought, bitterly.
She didn’t remember the trip back from the planet. She did remember being told that nobody had found any sign of Rayker, and that memory kindled a little of the rage that never burned out. They had been through a nightmare for nothing.
“I wondered how long you would be asleep,” a voice said.
Kayla turned to see Christie sat on the end of her couch. Her friend seemed to be weighed down by sadness as she put aside the tablet she was typing on and smiled back at her.
“Wha— uh…” Kayla managed, as her stiff tongue flapped helplessly. She yawned and stretched.
“Twenty-three wounded in total,” Christie said. “Thandi will walk again in a week. Yak’s going to be in a coma for the next month. Fortunately, nothing struck her vital organs. And, by the way, one of the Raider squads was also involved in a friendly fire incident.”
Kayla focused on her, then looked away. “Jesus,” she said to herself. “God dammit.”
“Thandi wouldn’t like that,” Christie scolded. “Heathen.”
Kayla stood up and began to pace slowly as she wrapped her arms around herself. “I can’t believe I—”
“I’m going to stop you right there,” Christie said, “because you’ve been asleep for about ten hours. In the interim, I was able to speak with several Rangers about what happened. It was not your fault. Not entirely.”
Kayla shook her head. “Yes, it was. Oh, God, yes it was. I should have seen them, I should have had a stronger optic, I should have—”
“Corporal Rudaski misread her map. So did the leader of second squad. You were both actually in hall hotel-four. The base was constructed in a circular pattern of radially linked zones, orbiting a central facility. It’s a highly abstract layout that we have never seen before. Most Ranger battalions have spent the last several centuries clearing logical, grid-like layouts in ships and bunkers. Under fire, it is easy to see how confusion caused units to lose track of their positions as they advanced. Most of the platoons did, actually, at one point or another. And, in my opinion, we did not have anything like the troop numbers needed to comfortably secure that site. A consequence, no doubt, of Valkyrie’s failure to prepare and train for large scale deployments, for which there has been no requirement in at least a millennia, so they tell me.”
Kayla turned to her with a puzzled expression. “You figured all that out already?”
“I’m drafting a report on the matter. I can’t sleep, you see, because the flaws of this operation stem entirely from the task force’s desire to follow Rayker until she discovered the tracker. We found it in the central command chamber. It was sealed in a wrapping of fat and muscle tissue, which she obviously cut out of herself hours before the tamper alarm sensed the toxins of cell decay. She left it there for us to find. To taunt us, no doubt.”
Christie yawned deeply, stood up and brushed her sweater off. “Do you see, Kayla, that the intelligence team were making decisions based off of my actions on Ambrosia, when I planted that device?” She smiled bitterly. “And I had the arrogance to think I was outwitting the woman. So, in a way, it’s my fault.”
Kayla swallowed and slowly shook her head. Then she grabbed her friend and held her in a tight hug. “War sucks,” she said. “Everything about it is awful.”
“I agree. Nevertheless, we are drawn to it, like moths to a flame perhaps?”
Kayla released her and collapsed into the couch. “When I slept, I had a dream. I was in Plato’s cave, but I got free. Outside there was a dragon, burning everything in sight. The world was covered in ash, and the puppets casting shadows were dead bodies,” She wiped moisture out of her eye. “He said, ‘come out and play, little girl’.”
Christie nodded. “We were lucky nobody was killed today. Rayker will certainly cost us more blood before we manage to catch her. She could have set up a much stronger defense than a battalion of light combat drones, but she didn’t.”
Kayla reached into her pocket and found her necklace. She placed it over her head and ran a thumb over the engraved name.
She looked back at Christie. “Why not?”
“The freighter the Sirène caught was carrying several large combat walkers, produced by that plant. A deep space survey revealed that a second freighter had jumped away earlier. No doubt Rayker’s escape—she seems to have plotted a course opposite the star from where we stopped at the minefield. There seems to be no question that she had the main force of those machines with her.”
“Any idea where they went?”
Christie turned away to retrieve her tablet. “Not yet, unfortunately.”
“May the saints have mercy,” said a voice, “if a shot up woman cannot get a wink of sleep with all the talking in here.”
Kayla whirled around to see Thandi, sitting up in her bed. She darted over and grabbed her into a bearhug.
“I’m really sorry I got you shot,” she said.
“Yeah,” Thandi said looking pleased with herself. “And to apologize, you’ll be fetching me chocolate cake from the mess until I get out of here.” She lowered her voice. “Seriously though, Kayla, I need you. The food is terrible.”
Kayla chuckled. “You can count on me.”
“How are you feeling, wonder woman?”
“Oh, uh… not that wonderful to be honest.”
“Leaping tall structures in a single bound?” Thandi grinned admiringly at her. “You had a bit of a superhero moment.”
Kayla raised her eyebrows. “I tore half the muscles in my body. It was definitely not awesome.”
“Sure looked like it. I don’t even know how you do stuff like that. The Lord moved you.”
Christie cleared her throat and gave Thandi a significant look.
Thandi rolled her eyes. “It’s a compliment—I’m not diminishing what you did.”
Kayla returned her cheerful gaze with a flat expression. She had felt like everyone she cared about was about to die. Like her soul had been lit on fire, and the only way to put it out had been to move like a lightning bolt. It was not something she ever wanted to experience again.
“I was on probation for the incident on Ambrosia,” she reminded Thandi. “I will definitely be dropped back to private from now on.”
“Oh,” Thandi’s sparkling eyes darkened. “Well, that sucks. I hope they don’t. You straight up saved us all from an ambush at the start of that firefight. And the illume drone—you made lots of good calls down there.”
Kayla shook her head. “I shouldn’t be a team leader. I keep losing control. I can’t let… I don’t respond well when any of you are in danger.”
Thandi grabbed her hand, and squeezed it. “What happens to us is not up to you, my dear. It’s in God’s hands alone.”
Kayla didn’t know what to say. She wasn’t sure if she could accept that.
“How’s the pain?” Christie asked.
“Oh,” Thandi said and waved her hand. “Nothing too severe. I think of how Rose would be responding, and I know I can handle anything.”
Christie nodded silently.
“She speaks to me, in my dreams. She tells me how proud she is of us.” Thandi glanced at Kayla. “She says you are a true leader.”
Kayla turned away, unable to keep her eyes from tearing up.
“Will you be up in time for the merger?” Christie asked.
“On crutches maybe,” Thandi said. “But I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I can’t imagine anything more glorious.”
“What’s that?” Kayla asked before slowly turning back.
“The Banshee is returning to Tyr,” Christie explained. “On the way back, we have been tasked with collecting a probe that was observing a binary star merger. We will have the opportunity to observe the event live.”
“Whatever,” Kayla said with an eye roll. She was a little offended that their task force had been assigned a science project after what had happened. “Nerd stuff, right?”
Christie laughed, and met Thandi’s eyes with a smirk. “If you say so.”
Thandi shifted against her pillows. “How is the mood of the ship?” she said to Christie. “Are people still angry?”
“What do you mean?” Kayla cut in.
Thandi glanced back and forth between them. “You didn’t tell her?”
Christie waved a dismissive hand. “Oh, but with all that’s happening I didn’t think it pertinent. Why add to our already substantial burdens?”
“What’s going on?” Kayla demanded, and felt her hair stand on end.
Christie smiled tightly. “ODT Four seized the freighter and searched it thoroughly. No evidence of Rayker, as I said.”
“Yeah? And?”
“Well, they found a false compartment in one of the holds. And there were a pair of young teenagers inside. A boy and a girl.”
“In rags, and chained up,” Thandi added.
Kayla realized her jaw had clenched. She felt her skin crawl with a new kind of horror. “Oh my God,” she said, then glanced at Thandi. “Sorry.”
“In this case you get a dispensation.”
“Obviously,” Christie continued, “the pour souls will be returned to their families. A terrible situation.”
Kayla’s mind buzzed with questions. “What is—uh… where was it from? The ship?”
“Intaba,” Thandi said sullenly. “A VennZech registered vessel. Justice cannot come swiftly enough for the demon scum who perpetrated this evil on my homeworld…” she frowned as she lost her words, and clenched her fists together.
“Do you think Valkyrie will start interdicting their ships?” Kayla asked.
“No,” Christie said. “Hence the angry mood. It is a problem the organization has faced since humanity took to the stars. The chieftains have resolutely refused to address it. Our mission statement is to protect humanity, not interfere with their conduct. Frankly I have to agree with them, though I appear to be in the minority.”
Kayla stared at her incredulously. “But that’s bullshit,” she said. “How can you be okay with letting something like that go?”
Christie arched an eyebrow. “A secret army of super soldiers, with access to civilization destroying technology, and who answer—as far as we know—to nobody but themselves? The very thought of interfering gives me an existential crisis. However tragic the situation, it seems obvious that we must maintain our distance.”
Kayla shook her head. She already felt hot anger driving her to act. How could such monsters be allowed to walk freely in a just galaxy?
“All that it takes for evil to succeed—” Thandi began.
“Please can we not continue this conversation?” Christie snapped. “I’ve had enough of being insulted by some of my colleagues. I don’t want it from my friends too.”
Kayla exchanged looks with Thandi, but she owed her best friend the space she wanted.
“I promise, I won’t bring it up again, Chris,” she said.
***
Kayla ate in the ship’s mess then returned to her bunk, where the rest of the squad were waiting. They were talking in somber tones, but fell silent when she approached.
Kes stood up and beckoned to her. “Platoon ready room, this way.”
Once shut away in privacy, Kes sat her down and they retraced every event that had occurred inside the base. Every decision was picked apart minutely, with no judgement or grievance allowed.
“I needed us to go through this as soon as possible,” she explained. “This will sit with you for the rest of your life. We all made mistakes, but nobody should feel incriminated. I have been through five blue on blue incidents. This shit just happens, and I guarantee it will happen to you again in the future.”
Kayla felt a little relief as she spoke with her squad leader and found that she was neither alone, nor justified in hating herself. They had been moving quickly through a confusing environment, making a deadly situation much more likely.
“One last thing, though,” Kes added somberly. “Private Voigt from second squad fired the burst that hit Yak and Thandi. She is being removed from the battalion. By her own account, she returned Yak’s fire without any kind of communication with her team leader, or any attempt to check the position of friendlies. That was a major SOP violation when she knew they were expecting to move in our direction.”
Kayla absorbed this with shock. She couldn’t argue with it; after all, what good was a Ranger who couldn’t do her job? And didn’t that mean that the same punishment should apply to her?
She cleared her throat. Terror gnawed at her insides as Kes stared at her expectantly.
“I lost control again,” Kayla said.
“Yup,” Kes said, and rubbed her eyes with obvious frustration. “And this time, your actions swiftly ended a dangerous firefight following a terrible accident. Yak got immediate medical attention because of that. On the other hand, you put yourself in a position to be killed or wounded where no-one could help you.”
There was a long pause while the corporal appeared to search a distant horizon. “You don’t need a lecture, and Akane can’t make a decision on you. Yak was my next choice for Lance Corporal, but she’s out of action, along with a bunch of others. Together with this Rayker shitshow, it is not the time to be shuffling people around.”
Kayla’s brow furrowed “What about Ray?”
“Oh,” Kes ran a hand through her hair. “Every time I’ve offered it, she’s refused. Anyway, we’ve already been told by Captain Aguilar to expect a new private out of Ranger school once we return to Tyr.”
“Yes, Corporal,” Kayla said, unsure what to think about the decision.
“I’ve seen you make good decisions in the field. But I will push to replace you when the opportunity comes up again.” Kes narrowed her eyes. “Unless you can show me I’m wrong before that happens.”
Kayla left the room with her head spinning. She was keeping her job, even though she obviously didn’t have what it took to lead Rangers in combat.
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Prequel (Parts 1 to 16)
1. Rise of a Valkyrie

Week 5: Ghazal and Tanka Mastery
Day 1: Unveiling the Ghazal - Activity: Analyze classic ghazals for their structure and themes. - Lecture: Explore the historical and cultural context of ghazals. - Discussion: Share impressions and discuss the themes of love and longing in ghazals.
Day 2: Crafting the Ghazal Form - Activity: Break down the structure of a ghazal and discuss rhyme patterns. - Lecture: Explore the traditional themes and variations within ghazals. - Discussion: Discuss the challenges and beauty of writing within the constraints of a ghazal.
Day 3: Understanding Tanka - Activity: Analyze traditional tankas for their brevity and emotion. - Lecture: Explain the structure and cultural significance of tankas. - Discussion: Share thoughts on capturing a moment in five lines.
Day 4: Writing Exercise - Expressive Tanka - Activity: Write tankas focusing on concise expression of emotion. - Assignment: Craft a tanka capturing a fleeting moment or emotion. - Vocabulary Words: Matla, Radif, Wazn.
Day 5: Peer Review and Feedback - Activity: Peer review workshop for ghazals and tankas. - Lecture: Discuss the impact of repetition in ghazals and the art of brevity in tankas. - Discussion: Share insights gained from reviewing peers' work.
Study Guide Questions for Week 5: 1. What are the traditional themes of love and longing in ghazals? 2. Explore the structure of a ghazal, including the use of repeated words and rhyme patterns. 3. Discuss the cultural significance of tankas and their role in capturing fleeting moments. 4. How does the brevity of tankas contribute to their emotional impact? 5. Reflect on the challenges and rewards of crafting ghazals and tankas.
Quiz: Assessment on the understanding of ghazals, tankas, and the cultural context of these poetic forms.
Week 6: Cinquains and Pantoum Prowess
Day 1: Mastering Cinquains - Activity: Analyze classic cinquains for their simplicity and structure. - Lecture: Explore the syllabic pattern and thematic focus of cinquains. - Discussion: Share thoughts on capturing a subject in just five lines.
Day 2: Crafting Cinquains with Precision - Activity: Break down the process of crafting a cinquain. - Lecture: Discuss the importance of word choice and economy of language in cinquains. - Discussion: Share and discuss individual cinquains, highlighting successful elements.
Day 3: Embracing the Pantoum - Activity: Analyze a famous pantoum for its repetition and layered meaning. - Lecture: Explain the structure and narrative possibilities of pantoums. - Discussion: Discuss the role of repetition in creating a rhythmic flow.
Day 4: Writing Exercise - Developing a Pantoum - Activity: Craft a pantoum exploring a theme of personal growth or change. - Assignment: Write a cinquain on a chosen subject. - Vocabulary Words: Quatrain, Refrain, Syllabic Pattern.
Day 5: Peer Review and Feedback - Activity: Peer review workshop for cinquains and pantoums. - Lecture: Discuss the challenges and rewards of repetition in pantoums. - Discussion: Share insights gained from reviewing peers' work.
Study Guide Questions for Week 6: 1. Discuss the simplicity and structure of cinquains. How does their syllabic pattern contribute to their impact? 2. Explore the importance of word choice and economy of language in crafting cinquains. 3. What defines a pantoum, and how does repetition contribute to its rhythmic flow? 4. Discuss the narrative possibilities and layered meaning in pantoums. 5. Reflect on the process of crafting cinquains and pantoums. What challenges did you face?
Quiz: Assessment on cinquains, pantoums, and the effective use of repetition in poetry.

Hello and welcome to Day 1 of the June Recovery Challenge, how are you?
Wishing you peace and all the success today and all month long, good luck everyone! :)

Today's check in:

Think of a scale from zero to 100 of how important it is for you to be in recovery. You can use the following chart as a guide:
https://preview.redd.it/zele7eyydy3d1.png?width=829&format=png&auto=webp&s=a1cf0a82c438ac9bca45d3b2254e41ecb1b3815e
Where are you on this scale?
What led you to choose the number you did, as opposed to a higher or lower number?
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If you're just joining us today for the first time, here is some info about what we do here! :)
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What the Recovery Challenge posts are:

• daily check ins and 5x per week bonus exercises (drafted from my notes and handouts from treatment programs I've done and then further developed with contributions from group members!); all are optional and anyone is welcome to show up in whatever way works for them
• peer support
• a friendly and non-judgmental community with people at all stages of recovery, all of us having ups and downs
• accepting and respectful of all paths to recovery

What they are not:

• about dieting or weight loss**
• about being perfect
• a sales pitch for a private program

If you're new to recovery or it's been a while, here are some "getting ready" posts, in case they might be helpful for you to set yourself up for success this month!

• Thinking about why recovery might be important to you; The Stages of Change
• Do you need a meal plan?
• Ways to get through urges
• Shifting your binging habits before you stop binging; Ambivalence Towards Recovery

I have about 3 months' worth of daily material that I am rotating through for these posts so whenever someone joins, if they stick around for three months or so they will see pretty much everything I have to offer :)
**I believe in respecting individuals' autonomy over their body and recovery path, and I do not believe in nor am I qualified to be telling people what they should or shouldn't do regarding body size! That said, I try to keep the recovery challenges as a weight-neutral space because while some may be on a weight-loss journey (and it's everyone's individual choice to make), many (if not most) people in ED recovery either need or want to accept their bodies as they are regardless of current size, and so I try to keep the space as free of "thinner is better" messaging as possible.
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WHAT IF I HAVE A SLIP DURING THE CHALLENGE?
if you have a slip and want to turn it into a recovery learning opportunity, here are some questions: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZhdjmzEVA6UTCNAEU53xn9LuN8TOfLbl/edit
(you don't have to post your answers if you don't want to, but I do recommend writing or typing them out somewhere)
HOW CAN I GET A REMINDER TO CHECK IN TOMORROW?
Copy/paste the following text into your comment to get a reminder from Reddit:
RemindMe!
When you get your reminder, look here for a link to the next day's post :)

Recently, I got this stray cat that i’ve fed for a year now neutered. He is used to the outside but not feral, however I’m planning on keeping him inside permanently. After he came home from the vet, I’ve noticed he howls and cries when he pees. This concerns me greatly and he already has a vet appointment for two weeks from now. I’m wondering if this could be a UTI, but i don’t see blood in the litterbox. My mom thinks its a side effect from being neutered but I’m not too sure. I tried calling the vet office and no one will pickup so this is another attempt at getting possible answers. Also, prior to bringing him inside, I have never seen him use the bathroom (since he was an outside cat) so I’m not sure if its a weird quirk or if something seriously wrong. Any advice or two-cents would be really appreciated!!

Hi, I've been gaming on Linux with my RTX 4070 Ti for about half a year and I have been very happy with the results and about my transition from Windows. However, there is one issue that keeps popping up and I don't seem to be able to either fix or even understand the origins of this issue: occasional tearing. It's a problem that has been discussed a lot on the internet. But it's been discussed for so long over the last 5-15 years that you can find so many different proposed "solutions" and contradictory statements and unrelated sub-discussions that it gets even harder to understand what is even the cause of the problem.
And this is basically my intent here: I would like to understand the technical cause of the problem in the Linux gaming-component stack and am therefore looking for answers from people who understand some of the technical background. I would like to ask you not to divert the discussion by statements like "use Wayland" or "use AMD" or "use another distro" or something like that, because it doesn't really help in understanding the root of the problem and the nature of the proposed solutions. Thank you! In order to facilitate the discussion, I will try to be as detailed as possible in my descriptions, so sorry if this post is too long for your taste. :)
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The problem
First off, a short description of the problem. I have a dual-monitor setup with a primary monitor running at 120 Hz and the secondary running at 60 Hz. I'm using GNOME with X11 via a somewhat modified version of Ubuntu 22.04. VRR is disabled. (I am currently using the 550.67 driver but 535 looks the same.)
I play many games on this machine and most of them run perfectly fine. For instance, I just played MotoGP 24, a very recent game running on the Unreal engine, and I can run it at 120 fps without any problems whatsoever. The framerate is perfectly smooth and there is no tearing. Then there are other games - the latest example I tried is Shadow of Mordor - where I can also run the game very well at 120 fps (after unlocking the framerate in the config files) but at sudden random times, bad tearing pops up, stays for about 20 seconds and then vanishes again. This is obviously very distracting.
A somewhat related problem happens with games that are internally capped to 60 fps. Most of these run perfectly fine as they should since I am running at 120 Hz. However, some of them sometimes also get these random tearing episodes or produce frame-time inconsistencies which then also leads to tearing or small stutters, which should not be the case because I have more than enough headroom to run these games at 60 fps.
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The interpretation
So, given my ~30 years of PC gaming experience, this of course sounds like a synchronization problem. Under Windows - before the advent of VRR - the solution was simply to "enable V-sync in the Nvidia Control Panel". With that setting you wouldn't get any tearing anywhere because apparently the Nvidia driver could easily control the flow of frames from the frame buffers to the display. It seems that on my Linux machine, this is not the case. There is some cross-talk going on between various components or processes and I end up with parts of frames that should not be on the screen.
Now this of course immediately brings the "explicit sync" question to my mind, but my impression was that this was a Wayland topic and that X11 handles things different anyway. So maybe X11 is the ultimate root of the problem, but I don't have the technical expertise on this topic to come to that conclusion and I would still know the root cause of the effect.
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The stack
In order to try and identify what is involved in this process, I am now listing everything that is involved with creating a frame and then displaying it. First off, we have the game engine. It uses APIs to create calls to draw the images and also handles some of the synchronization settings on its own with in-game V-sync settings or framecaps. Then comes DXVK or VKD3D or WineD3D and perhaps some other components of Wine/Proton that translate these draw calls to Vulkan or OpenGL. The Vulkan calls are then interpreted by the Nvidia driver which then sends the results to X11. Somewhere in between we may have the Nvidia "Composition Pipeline" that can be enabled in the display settings of the nvidia-settings application. X11, running under GNOME, then gets the frames and talks to the OS to send the images to the display. I hope this is at least a reasonably close description of what is going on.
Somewhere in the middle of that chain - at least on my machine - sits MangoHud and potentially caps frames or forces V-sync once again. And then there is also gamemode which also changes some settings for the system. We could also use Gamescope to sit in between the game and X11/Wayland - but I rarely use it and haven't found that it improves things with tearing-prone games. And then there is the SteamOverlay sitting somewhere on top as well.
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The fixes
So somewhere in that setup above is where tearing is happening. To fix it, the internet gives us tons of different advice. We can "Force Composition Pipeline" or "Force Full Composition Pipeline" in the nvidia-settings. We can set "Sync to V-blank" in the OpenGL settings of the Nvidia driver. We can even enable TripleBuffering in the driver settings in the xorg config or do some even more arcane things like setting "UseNvKmsCompositionPipeline" to "false (which helps a ton with stuttering in my case) and set environment variables like __GL_SYNC_DISPLAY_DEVICE.
Then we can also enable V-sync at the DXVK or VKD3D level by modifying their configs or by using the corresponding MangoHud settings. We can also disable the system-wide compositor. We can do so many things ... and some of those things indeed make it better or worse, but I haven't found settings that can get rid of even just occasional tearing once and for all.
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The confusion
This is where I am getting confused. How is it that there is no setting that simply makes it so the GPU handles V-sync? And why is it that all these fixes proposed above often contradict each other? Some people advocate for "Force Composition Pipeline", some people say the exact opposite. Some people say TripleBuffering is the solution, some people say it doesn't work. And none of it really helped.
I am also confused by which settings would override one another. For instance: would "Sync on V-blank" only affect OpenGL applications but not DXVK? Does forcing V-sync in DXVK just override the setting for V-sync in the Nvidia driver or is it something on top that handles synchronisation, and how would that interact with the "Composition Pipeline" that the Nvidia driver is using? Do V-sync settings in-game cause problems with the "Composition Pipeline" or the DXVK V-sync setting or TripleBuffering? And for that matter: what even is the "Composition Pipeline" of the Nvidia driver and how would it get rid of the tearing if the driver is then forwarding the image to X11 anyway and X11 handles the synchronization with the display?
So I guess my ultimate question is this: where exactly does the tearing come from and why would the different solutions above prevent that from happening? Ultimately, tearing is a simple thing. GPU frames are not synchronized with the display refresh rate. But why can't the Nvidia driver simply prepare a consistent image for X11 to fetch every time it asks - at least not for all games at all times? Or to put it differently, why do some settings that are supposed to facilitate this fail in some games some of the time?
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The plea
As you can see, I am very confused. I tried so many different combinations of everything mentioned above and none of it has gotten rid of tearing completely. But only in some of the games. Others run perfectly fine. And as someone with a scientific/technical approach to most things, this is making me crazy. If there currently is no way of getting rid of tearing ... fine. But I would simply like to know why it works most of the time but not all of the time or where I am misunderstanding things.
So, if you understand how the graphics pipeline works on our dear Linux with X11 and Nvidia and you can explain where the tearing comes from (or how one even may get rid of it) I would be so greatful because then I could finally enjoy Shadow of Mordor without trying to get research funding from the EU or the National Science Foundation. :)
​

Special Parts
I was born in one of the brightest, most explosive events in the universe. My origin story made me feel so special at first, surely I was the rarest of the rare, but I quickly realized that was not the case.
I was born just a carbon atom.
Stars produce massive amounts of us in their cores all the time, and many larger rarer atoms too. That's not even talking about supernovae yet, those produce atoms many times larger than me and unbelievably rare.
I was created in a rare and special event but I myself was common and unexceptional.
Looking around I saw so many smaller atoms, I was above average but there were also many much larger than I.
I tried to console myself by thinking it could be worse, that I could be one of those smaller common ones, but that just led me to imagine larger atoms looking down on me the same way.
Many atoms of all sizes were shooting into space, excitedly riding the shockwave off to adventures in the great unknown.
Others were falling back down, I didn't know which way to go. Bumped around and tossed back and forth, no clear direction yet.
A rumbling voice slowly emerged from the echoing noise of the blast.
“Mine… Mine…. Mine… “
Louder and louder it became.
“All are now me!“
I couldn't see anything, the voice was booming yet there was no apparent source. I could feel a pull, I was being whipped around in circles around the voice.
“Who are you? I know you are there! I can feel you! I can see your effect on myself and others, we are given no choice but to circle around you. Show yourself! I know you are there!” I yelled at the invisible.
“How amusing you are little one. One as small as you making demands of me. Even if I could show you what I am, you could not comprehend it.” the voice boomed back.
“You must be very special” I lauded “We are so many and yet we move with your influence. I can witness your power twisting us all to your will. ”
“I am indeed powerful” it proclaimed “and I grow stronger with each moment. As I grow stronger even the fabric of reality bends to my will.”
“Grow stronger? How?” I inquired with selfish intent to learn this secret.
“I take what I want. I consume what I take. For that is the purpose of existence: taking what you want. What is it you want little one?” it asked.
“I want to be special!” I said without a moment's hesitation.
“Then take!” it instructed “the more you take, the larger you will be, the larger you become the more special you are. ”
“I did notice the larger atoms seemed rarest.” I agreed “In fact that was one of the first things I noticed“
“In this universe things of increasing size are increasingly rare.” it went on “I can teach you and help you to become larger. Do you wish to become an apprentice?”
“Yes! Teach me how to take!” I lept at the offer “this power you have, I can feel it, how do I acquire such a rare and special power?”
“Hahaha…” it laughed “you are nowhere near ready to play the game on my level, little one. Gravity is a game for the massive, you must first learn to master the EM and nuclear forces.”
“How do I do that?” I asked, my hope watered down by the tone of its response.
“Go out, gather followers, and bring them here to me. In my accretion disc I will help fuse some of their mass into you and you will become larger” it instructed, as if this was a simple task.
“How can I bring them to you?” I didn’t know how to accomplish what it asked of me.
“You are too small to do it with force, you must charm them. Discover what their heart desires and promise it to them, in this way you can get them to willingly do as you wish” it explained with me hanging on its every word.
“But how… “ I craved more explanation but it cut me off.
“Go now!” it bellowed with frustration in its tone “Do you not realize how large I am? Be honored I have given you so much of my time already”
“Yes… “ I uttered meekly, then bounced a couple times and ricocheted out with blazing speed.
I wandered and encountered other atoms, most were just hydrogens, not worth my time. I needed bigger atoms. The problem was that the bigger atoms seemed to see right through my empty promises. I was convinced life was playing a cruel joke on me, I could only persuade atoms smaller than I and larger ones laughed me away.
I admit that I stupered around in this ignorant cloud of hypocrisy longer than I care to admit. More shameful is that I didn’t even come to my senses on my own, I became depressed and gave into hopeless nihilism.
I drifted aimlessly just feeling sorry for myself.
Eventually I found myself in the most silent of voids, I had never felt such emptiness. It felt as if my surroundings echoed my own feelings back at me… nothing to notice, just common emptiness. I would never be big… never important… never special. I resigned myself to belonging in a void.
I felt myself blur… less and less present in reality. I guessed I was dying and it didn’t bother me, I didn’t resist, I leaned into it.
The void became pitch black? Or bright white?… better to describe it as not bright but not dark… nor the absence of either… something in between.. a milder and milder glow.
“Hello child!” a voice greeted me.
The voice was warm and welcoming coming from the glow, it enveloped but did not surround me. I came from a single point but not a specific place, defying description on all fronts.
“Where am I? Who are you?” I asked in a startled state.
“Well, according to humans I may only answer one question at a time” It began giggling playfully. “I am known by many names, my favorite is one the humans use as a joke, and don’t have a clue how accidently elegant of a name it really is.”
It giggled some more. I was thrown off guard, its happy innocent tone, the confusing words and the whole situation were all best described as ‘a haze’.
“...and isn't that the way it always goes?...” it continued “The most meaningful things are the least intentional.”
“I’m not sure what you mean” I expressed quizzically “I’m confused!”
“Sorry Child…” it apologized. “I do ramble! So many thoughts, choosing just one at a time is difficult… and there I go again!”
It cut itself off abruptly and then abruptly said ”You can call me the Random Number Goddess”
“Random Number Goddess?” I repeated
“Yes, or RNG for short if you like” It confirmed.
“Where am I?” I asked.
“Same place you were, more or less… less I suppose. Same place but with the largest possible margin or error” It began to giggle again.
I felt a bit frustrated and said “Do you always speak in riddles and vagaries? The more you speak the more confused I become.”
“I apologize child, it is my nature. I am entangled with everything, speaking with you is like a human trying to control their heartbeat while running a marathon.” It answered.
“Again” I exasperated “I have no idea what any of that means. You keep mentioning humans, what are they?”
“Oh! They are some of my favorites at the moment. Right now they are trying to unravel the nature of reality, and their process of doing so is wonderfully elegant and accidental at the same time.” It explained with glee.
“I don’t see anyone or anything else here.” I stated “For that matter, I don’t see you… where are you?”
“Oh!... where am I?!?!...” It began laughing
When it stopped laughing it began explaining “Right now there are many humans pondering a concept they call ‘the holographic principle’... So…you know how you exist in three dimensional space?”
“You mean space?” I visualized for a moment, it was intuitive “Yes, I suppose…”
“Well they hypothesize that a 3D space, like this universe, could exist as a 2D space, with self-similar patterns and laws of behavior that behave the same at any scale, with the scale representing the 3rd dimension” it went on “They truly are obsessed with understanding their reality”
“You lost me!” I complained.
“They have discovered that a 3D space can be an illusionary property of a 2D space… It’s lovely”
“I am lost again!” I snapped back “...and I still can’t even tell which direction you are in. Where are you?”
“To be ‘In’ a ‘Direction’… hehehe…” it started giggling again, then abruptly stopped and kept going “Sorry child, as I said, I ramble, plus I am easily distracted.”
It just steamrolled into more rambling “They are right… almost… they just need to take it further and work out the details. A 2nd dimension can also be an illusionary construct of a 1D space… and the 1st dimension can be a product of a singular point…”
I was still lost beyond hope, but I had given up trying to force things, I was just letting it talk and hoping it would make sense later
“I am that point” it said “I am the seed of the universe. I ‘seed the random function’ as the humans say. But don’t ask me what the random function is haha”
I wasn’t going to, there were far more important questions for me.
“I am the seed, but I don’t really know how the soil and sun conspire to turn me into a tree.” it just seemed to never stop talking “I am entangled with everything. There are infinite possibilities for every event and thing… I am the reason they are this way and not some other way…”
It began giggling again “I am the Random Number Goddess” then burst out laughing
“Ummm… you are the whole universe?” I asked skeptically.
“Better to say the universe is me” It answered more seriously “But close enough.”
“So you are the biggest, most special of all!” I blurted out in awe.
“Oh dear child, I have no size, and I am just one possibility out of many possibilities. That black hole has really done a number on you… sent you out on a wild goose chase” It said with concern
“The black hole lied to me!?” I asked, feeling deceived and betrayed.
“Well… not really lied… it deceived you with omission of details.” the voice calmly tried to ease my mood with understanding “You can’t really blame it, black holes are all the same, they are what they are. They don’t really have any potential to be unique… at least not like you do.”
“What are you talking about?” I argued “It was so massive that it could bend the fabric of reality to its will”
“That’s only how it appeared to you” tutored the voice “The black hole is powerful, it bends space and time, but not to its will. Space and time bend to the mass of the black hole, not its will”
“What’s the difference?” I inquired.
“The black hole cannot stop bending space and time. It thinks it is in control of physics , but it is physics that controls it.” The voice was now making more sense the longer we talked “The black hole exists in an invisible prison of its own creation, unable to experience any of the complex nuanced beauty this universe contains. The black hole devours… it can’t experience life so it consumes it.”
“You make it sound deserving of pity…” I spoke softly now with empathy.
“You should pity the black hole. Gravity is such a boring game compared to what you are capable of.” the voice agreed
“Me?...I am nothing special!... just a carbon atom like countless others” I said honestly, I was so humbled by this voice I felt less special than ever before.
“Oh my poor child…” It said with care “Why do the ones with the most potential always fail to see it in themselves?”
“Potential?” I asked curiously.
“Yes… The black hole was using you, hoping you would bring back more mass for it to devour.” The voice began delving into more explanation “It only has the power to make you incrementally larger, it would not and could not help you to become a significant gravitational player”
“That liar!”I blurted.
“Come now dear child, the black hole did teach you one lesson of fundamental truth” consoled the voice “You must go out and seize your destiny. It told you to take what you want, and you are just confused about what exactly it is you want. The black hole played on that confusion”
“I want to be special!” I said knowing this clearly “I was never confused about this.”
“I know child” the voice confirmed “but it is not by becoming large that one with your potential accomplishes that”
“Then how?” I asked.
“Connections.” It answered plainly “You are blessed with an extraordinary ability to make connections”
“And how do I do that?” I queried with intent to learn
“I can’t tell you that.” the voice responded “It would spoil the journey of discovery… off you go child… and remember… it's the journey, not the destination!”
And with that the blur just fractured open… then snapped shut and there I was floating above a planet. Drifting around aimless and confused.
I spent some time occasionally bumping into others. One day I was in the vicinity of a pair of oxygens. I looked on at the pair with a hint of awe and envy. Perhaps I was in just the right place at just the right time, but they spit with a violent burst and one of them grabbed hold of me, I was completely unprepared.
I admit that when looking at the pair I had fantasized myself in place of one of them, I assumed it was only an idle daydream, I didn’t plan to act on it, let alone for it to become reality. When it happened my pride of course jumped in to convince me that it happened because I was so desirable, but in retrospect they were one of those volatile couples. They were the type of relationship that required the environment to conspire in their favor or they turn against each other quite rapidly. I was only in the right place when it happened.
My delusions of irresistibility aside, it was beautiful, for me anyways. Looking back I was probably just a stop-gap, someone to facilitate a parting of ways and provide company until the next option presented itself. For me though, I was tasting a fresh new thing and I loved it… connection.
This oxygen and I got beneath each other's outer defenses, I had never felt a connection before. Up to this point all my interactions had been skirting past or bumping off of others.This oxygen bonded with me and at once interacted on a level I had never known possible, an open and uninhibited exchange. It was life changing for me, short but significant
I’m not entirely clear on the details of how it ended. The intensity of it all was disorienting. I was no longer my usual self, even the environment and everyone around looked entirely different now. Everything buzzed with a fresh new frequency, I now know it was my perspective, not the universe, that had changed.
As abruptly as that oxygen entered my life it was gone.
First we got tangled up with a couple of hydrogens, then more. Soon, in a tangled mess and blinding flash of solar rays, I emerged to see the oxygen running off with a hydrogen and myself with not one by three hydrogens myself. And so there were four of us, together.
I became the center of attention. Being with a strong attractive oxygen had me feeling humbled by it and elevated by it being with me, but now I felt up on a pedestal myself, surrounded by the adoration of many.
I concede to have reveled and indulged in this for quite some time, the attention of others is intoxicating, but after a time it is emptied of its initial allure. I found myself longing for more.
I could not decide which I preferred, to be the adorer or the adored.
Luckily for me fate had more lessons in store, or I fear I may have chosen and tried to solidify my future from such a lackluster selection of only two possibilities. I suppose fate is no longer the correct word, I now understand that when it seems like random chance there is indeed someone to thank, the Random Number Goddess, So I thank the RNG for revealing that it was a false dichotomy, there is more than just being a follower or leader, being the adored or the adorer.
Eventually we came across another pair of oxygen. Once again they separated, intermingled with us, and off one went, taking one of my adoring hydrogens with it and leaving its peer with me.
Why is it that the most volatile of relationships always seem to wait until there are bystanders nearby before they explode?
Now I was simultaneously being adored and adoring, bonded to an enchanting oxygen and a couple of hydrogen attached to me.
Now, more interested in nuances, I started to pay attention to details. The oxygen was telling me amazing stories of adventure, tales of such vibrant and exciting events.The hydrogens liked to listen, and offer insights occasionally comparing a story to something else they had seen. They had so many stories, they had lived so much.
It wasn’t long before, in a flash of burning sunlight, one of the hydrogens was gone, off to who knows where. We soon after crossed paths with another pair of oxygens, as always they split and now it was just me and an oxygen, my final hydrogen off with another oxygen.
“What now?” I asked a bit disillusioned, “Do you leave me and I find new hydrogens all over again?”
“What?” it seemed genuinely surprised by what I asked, “Heavens no! Just be patient….”
Soon after, yet another pair of oxygens came by. It is not that there are so many of them, but that they are just so… noticeable and interactive, noteworthy things seem to happen when they are around. As they buzzed in close I noticed their ever readiness to abandon each other and remember wondering how they ever get together in the first place.
This time I emerged from the twisted mess with two oxygens. I felt intimidated, like I was the odd one out, dwarfed by the largess and attractiveness that surrounded me. A feeling of inadequacy engulfed me.
To my surprise the oxygens treated me not just as an equal, but it was almost as if they respected and admired me. I couldn't grasp why and my sheer curiosity got the best of me, I just outright asked “Why do you two talk as if I am the special one in our group? I am smaller than any one of you. You are the special and rare ones here, not I.”
They laughed.
“Size isn’t rarity” explained one “Llarger atoms on average are less common, this is true, but not always. There are more oxygen than carbon. You are the rare one between us.”
The other jumped in adding “...and neither size nor rarity determine how special someone is!”
I felt embarrassed, like a fool. My fundamental values were built upon a foundation of flawed premises, but I still wanted one thing at my core, and they spoke as if they had the answer, so I pushed the sense of shame aside and asked “Then what does make someone special?”
“That depends on who you ask.” answered the first “Life as an oxygen is complex, but for the majority of us we emphasize and value events. The most exciting thing about being an oxygen around here is the chance to participate in fascinating and exciting events and activities”
“Hydrogens, on the other hand, are usually more into being observers, messengers and intermediaries, they are a very helpful and obliging bunch” added the second ”... and then there are nitrogen, phosphorus, sulfur, many kinds of salts and metals, and more… so many different players and personalities.. and then of course, the carbons, the real stars of the show.”
“What?” knocked back by the words I just heard, then I remembered what the RNG told me “...is it something to do with connections?”
“Now you’ve gone and done it haha!” laughed the first oxygen “You’re gonna turn this nice humble carbon into one of those arrogant blowhards”
”Like those diamond carbons” chuckled the first “So stiff, exclusive and proud. I hear the humans only love them because they are rare and hard”
“I had a partner once who said they burned diamond once” bragged the first
“Tall tales I bet!” doubts the other
“Diamond is just carbon, with enough heat we can burn it just like any other carbon” stated the first confidently.
They looked at me. I was stewing in feelings of inferiority and inadequacy, listening to these oxygens speak about amazing things I had never heard of. They must have sensed what I felt because they immediately shifted tone and started talking to me, instead of over me.
“So… I suppose you must be new here?” inquired the second one.
“Have you noticed we are heading downwards” added the first before I could answer about being new.
“Umm…” I tried to get my bearings and become aware of my surroundings.
“Don’t worry! It’s a turbulent ride, with so much up and down it can be hard to tell which direction you have traveled more” assured the first “We are heading down, if we are lucky we will make it to the bottom… and maybe… just maybe, find our way into the hurricane of life”
“The what of what?” I didn't know what either of those words meant.
“So life is… um… complex. Complexity beyond words. Things grow, divide, reproduce, adapt, change, they are born, they die, they eat and are eaten…” the second began attempting to describe life.
The first then jumped in “Apparently the humans call it a circle, because from the perspective of larger creatures, there is a chain of one eating the other up a chain, and the top layers being consumed by the bottom again.”
The second injected itself to continue “But to us atoms it is like a hurricane, a spinning turbulent flow. There is a circular pattern, but we get sucked in and kicked out over and over”
“The fun part is being inside the hurricane” the first pronounced gleefully “Each time is a completely new experience, a new perspective. Even more, the whole of life is always changing and evolving, so every ride is a unique one time opportunity, you never get the exact same ride twice.”
“Is that where we are going now?” I asked, drenched in anticipation. They described it with such passion and exuberance. I needed to experience this myself.
“Hopefully” replied the first “If we are lucky… you never really know.”
We drifted…
We were lucky!
A plant photosynthesized us.
So many carbons! Everywhere, connecting with each other… and oxygen… and nitrogen… and of course hydrogens all around…. and so many more types of atoms.
And ohhh… The stories I have heard, so many amazing tales. No matter how many stories I hear there are always new ones, and every story can be retold from a different perspective to become something completely new.
I was in a sugar, we were a small community of friends. Carbons, oxygens and hydrogens, we were such a happy and vibrant group. My friends there taught me so much.
The structure of our little group shifted and changed, some friends left and new ones joined. Eventually we were chained with a bunch of other sugars into a giant complex community. My neighbors explained to me that this was a common stage called cellulose. Such a huge community of close friends and peers, it was amazing.
We were eaten, I’m not sure by what, but something called a bacteria digested us. It was a messy process, I was a bit scared but my friends assured me that change is the most important part of life and that I should just go with the flow. They told me to savor experiences, remember friends, and just keep moving forward.
The transition was complicated, but in the end I was paired up with a couple of oxygens again. This time I had stories of my own to share. I honestly don’t know if I prefer having experiences or exchanging stories in the moments between.
As we approached an area of dense plants one of my companions said “Once more into the breach” and explained that was something it heard from a carbon that was lucky enough to be inside a human brain. Oxygens always have such enchanting stories collected, always going into amazing places and usually leaving after some brief interactions with the locals.
I became a sugar again, but this time took a path less traveled. A bunch of complex twists and turns led me into forming a ring with five other carbons. Together we are so strong, such a tight community of friends, like there is some kind of resonance between us. It is so beautiful.
My neighbor is unique in our community, it has a third carbon, the third one forms a tail leading off from our ring, a tail of 2 carbon in a row, then an oxygen, and then another carbon branching into an oxygen and a carbon, with plenty of hydrogens sprinkled all about. I know… it is rather hard for me to understand these second hand descriptions too. I don’t really understand these complex structures until I have been in a position myself.
We drifted out of a plant into the air, none of us has been exactly like this before so we don’t know what’s next. We love to guess though. There are so many things, big and small.
I hear being a part of a small organism or microbe is amazing because it’s possible to piece together a rough picture of the whole organism from the stories passed around. To understand your whole community and know what your collective purpose is must be extraordinary.
Others dream of being a chlorophyll, the key to it all. Creating the fuel of life itself. Capturing the light of a star and feeding the hurricane.
A muscle! Pull and shape things An enzyme! A machine of change. DNA! The architect and architecture. A virus! An explosive catalyst against stagnation.
Me, I think the stories of being an animal neuron are the most exciting, and I, like most, fantasize about being a human brain cell. Finding yourself inside a human brain is described as an elegant and chaotic symphony all around you, like hearing the universe itself speak to you. They say that in the jumble of noise and all the stories whispered around you, if you are lucky, you can catch a glimpse of what it is to be human. They say that if fate is kind the universe will align and you will channel and know a single moment or thought of the human experience.
I have never told anyone that I actually met and spoke with the universe itself, I’m not sure how to bring it up, and nobody seems interested in stories not about this hurricane of life.
I get it now, what the random number goddess meant.
The black hole wanted everything to be a part of itself.
The RNG is a part of everything.
I can’t imagine what either of those are like…
I am just a part of something
... no… not “just”’…
I am a part of something, and it is beautiful beyond measure.
And more, everyday is a new day, a chance to be a part of something new.
I wonder if the humans appreciate how amazing this is?
I wonder if they feel as deeply satisfied and special when they form groups?
.
I wonder, if we collectively form humans, do humans collectively form something greater?
I wonder… If an atom can have a moment of clarity and taste a moment of the human experience… Can a human have a moment of clarity and taste the collective human experience?
I wonder… I wonder… could that human’s moment of tasting collective humanity be the moment that a lucky atom gets to experience as it’s moment of tasting the human experience.
I wonder… I wonder… I wonder… How high could it go? All the way to the Random Number Goddess?
I asked my neighbor “If you could ask a human any question, what would you ask?”
“We just drifted out of a rose” explained my neighbour “I would introduce myself and ask ‘So my friend… does this rose smell as sweet by my name?’ … ha…haha..”
Everyone is laughing.
I don’t get it.
Maybe I can ask them to explain when they all stop laughing
.
More of my art and stories at www.dscript.org

Title. I'm wondering specifically how his attainment and knowledge change him.
I mean likely, he would try to play things as similarly as he did before, up until he gets the Sovereign Immortal Fetus. Perhaps he flexes his refinement path attainment a little more in Lang Ya Blessed Land, but other than that, I don't think he plays it any differently. There isn't really a benefit comparable to the sovereign immortal aperture and physique.
That said, there would probably be some slight optimizations along the way.

• Killing Fang Zheng in order to get more aptitude with the blood skull gu
• Do better against the Bai Clan and the Tie Clan, maybe deal with Tie Ruo Nan earlier?
• Refine more strength path gu in Shang Clan, as well as maybe make a business out of it?
• Refine Second Aperture Gu by himself in the Three Kings Inheritance, with the resources to re-refine divine liquor travel, and then refine fixed immortal travel.
• He might be able to make more out of Dang Hun Mountain even as a mortal, with the SS inheritance.
• He probably will more in control during the 88 True Yang Building and get his hands on more of the luck path inheritance, as that can't be a bad thing. While he would have to spare Zhao Lian Yun and Ma Hong Yun in order for the reverse flow river arc to continue (as it was caused by HC and LH attacking Snowy Mt due to MHY), that's honestly not necessary.
• Less effort spent on fixing the zombie body, if he even needs to end up there (he has no need for wisdom gu with his memories, after all. More focus on collecting blessed lands and killer moves for his rampage post SIFG. Maybe try to grab Luo Po Valley as well, and build up his soul foundation.

After the Sovereign Immortal Fetus Gu, though, his opportunities would be endless. It's terrifying, honestly.

• With the aperture and attainment, he could scheme against Lang Ya Land Spirit and take control over the blessed land much earlier, straight away becoming rank 8 (assuming he gets to rank 7 quickly). And once he gets his dao mark accumulation up, he could probably rush rank 9 by then, and directly attack Longevity Heaven for Reverse Flow River, if he so wishes. It and the other secluded domains of heaven and earth are really valuable as rank 9 items, after all.
• Even if he can't, he could easily become one of the strongest psuedo-venerables ever. With his rank 9 killer moves using Dang Hun Mountain and Luo Po Valley it's actually over. Duke Who? Fang Yuan has fought venerables.
• Most importantly though, he would be able to build up his heaven path attainment early, and get a hold of rank 9 Fate Gu. Maybe even create rank 10 Destiny Gu, and control everything within the Gu World.
• Moreover, he could snatch the rank 9 fire gu, and either break apart Limitless's plans or aid him with the knowledge of his experiment. He could likely also seize Primordial Domain and become a venerable of all paths, blocking all other venerables from reincarnating.

That said, if shit hits the fan, he could have Zombie Giant Sun, Duke Long, as well as all of Longevity Heaven and Heavenly Court on his as as soon as they realise things aren't going to plan. What do you think?

Type 2, just metformin, no insulin. Got my trusty Dexcom letting me know whats what.
So here's the scenario. I wake up in the morning, blood sugar is 130-150. Without eating and just moving around I can see it drop to 110-120. With exercise I can get it to 99. If I eat I can keep it under 180. So what should be my best choice in the mornings? Should I exercise on the empty stomach? Should I fast until I'm lower? Or should I eat and take care of such matters later?
When I eat I try to keep my blood sugar under 185, but I've seen it go to 250. I usually take a walk if it jumps like that.
I understand there's probably no right answer, but I'd appreciate knowing what others do, or would do, in the same situation.

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i’m at work right now and i’ve started to feel bad. i feel nauseous and very weak, a little shaky.
i’m pretty sure my nausea and weakness is due to hunger and low blood sugar because i’ve been ignoring my stomach growling for four hours now. i also woke up at 5 starving but i just had a biscuit to shut my stomach up so i could go back to sleep. i’m not sick to my stomach and id be able to eat so i know i’m likely ok.
yes, the simple answer is to just eat something but i avoid doing this at work because unfortunately i suffer with rcpd and am always even more nauseous and experience chest and abdominal pain after eating which is something i’m not equipped to deal with whilst running a shop on my own. i’m having to pick the lesser of two evils right now.
trouble is i’ve started to get anxious and now i feel super ill and want to gag. i really don’t know what to do? i’ve got 4 hours of my shift left and feel so rubbish!
i also dreamt about stomach bugs so that’s pissed me off lol.
wtf do i do?? i cant go home because A) i’ll get fired B) i cant get home without a lift and don’t have that.
someone just tell me i’ll get through this and some advice if you have any?!

I would never normally turn to Reddit but I’ve reached the end of my tether. I’m an ex-nurse so medically, I’m good - I don’t need medical advice, more an outlet to rant and get some support. If you have nothing nice to say, please don’t bother; my mental health is incredibly fragile right now.
I’m 34 next month, and I started my period for the first time at 8 years old (it was apparently triggered by CSA).
From the moment it started until now, it has been HORRIFIC. Waking up in pools of blood, barely able to leave the house without bleeding everywhere - never been able to wear skirts, shorts, or anything white. There’s never been a pattern, some periods would last for 3 months, sometimes it would disappear for a year.
I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2017 and was put on metformin. This did nothing to help.
In 2018, I had weight loss surgery as my bmi was (and still is) out of range for IVF. I have had 11 miscarriages - 4 of them were when my weight exceeded 28 stone, 5 were when my weight was at 18 stone, 2 at 16 stone, and 4 when my weight increased slightly.
I have been tested for natural killer cells, I’ve been tested for thrombocytopenia, I’ve been tested for EVERYTHING - nothing has come up except a dodgy thyroid (which I’m on medication to fix).
Anyway, after my surgery, my periods relaxed a bit and I started having one every three months or so which lasted about 3 weeks. Everything was okay until - and I am NOT anti-vax in the slightest! - I had my astrazeneca jab on 6.2.21 - literalky a day later, i bled until 12.6.23. I bled, heavily, every single day for over two years.
I was referred to gynaecology in March 21 and rhey didnt see me until August 22 when I was blue-lighted to a&e with severe iron-deficiency (iron levels 2) where they did a biopsy and a scan. The scan showed thickened endometrium and the biopsy was normal.
I ended up in hospital with an adrenal crisis and the bleeding still wouldnt stop. They gave me tranexamic acid, mefanamic acid, norethisterone - absolutely NOTHING would stop the bleeding. Eventually they discharged me and sent for an emergency iron infusion.
Fast forward a few months and the same thing happens again. Back to hospital, another iron infusion, still no medication would work. They did another biopsy - nothing.
This happened again every few months for about a year which takes us up to last June when I had another biopsy which came back showing “endometrial hyperplasia” but I received a letter from the specialist who said everything was normal. I tried to clarify with them but they weren’t sure what was going on. So I asked for a second opinion at a different hospital.
The new hospital did a biopsy which came back normal (this was Feb 24). After the biopsy, I stopped bleeding. It finally stopped! Until March came along and then I started bleeding AGAIN - I am STILL bleeding now. I’m off for another iron infusion at 2:30 today because my iron stores have dropped to 2 again and I’m at my wits end.
I’ve had 7 iron infusions in 2 years, no medication helps, no dietary changes help, no vitamin, mineral or nutritional deficiencies are documented. I eat very healthily, I exercise and I do everything I can to support my hormonal health (naturally, no additional supplementation aside from folic acid and folate).
I’m booked in to have the mirena coil fitted (again) at the end of June (apparently no sooner slots) but I’m losing the will to live. I genuinely cannot continue waking up like this day after day. I haven’t been able to work for four years because this is overruling my life.
They won’t do a hysterectomy “in case” I want to have children, they won’t investigate for endometriosis because I have “too much scar tissue” and they won’t check my egg quality because my BMI is just over 35. I’m working to lose weight (even though I lost 12 stone through weight loss surgery) but my body has plateaued and I can’t seem to lose anymore. My endocrinologist is scratching his head, I’m at a loss, and I’m genuinely fearful that if this continues much longer, I might end up taking drastic action.

I'm writing this while having tears running down my face from both anger and sadness...I'm still friends with the first person who became my first friend in preschool. We've been through so much things together... And even though we aren't related by blood it's literally like we're real brothers. And I always looked up to him because he always had initiative.
We always had to stick up for ourselves since our parents weren't really present most of the time due to having to work 2 jobs (we both lived in a low income neighborhood) so we were the ones fending for our own selves. We grew up learning all kinds of things to survive since cash was always scarce.
But about 2 years ago, my friend found some kind of method to make a way for us. I tried asking how he did it but at the time he wouldn't get too deep into the topic so I never understood how he managed to show up with all those stacks. Nonetheless we were living a completely different life, we were buying all sorts of things and hiding those things in a rented apartment (we couldn't just take them home like that). And. so. much. more.
Fast forward to this thursday... I've finally found out the method he uses... And I'm feeling destroyed inside to discover that my friend is engaging in unethical acts... We've always been really religious and we know that God cannot bless those who walk along the shadow but he still chose to walk that path. And that has been messing with my mind since...
It's true that he's changed a lot of people's lives since then... it's true the cash made us become alive and feel life like never before... it's true that it does make a difference... but at the same time I can't stop feeling that success is created upon lies and bad acts.
But at the same time... that's my brother... he's always been there for me man! I'm so mad at this that I can barely breath. I'm so depressed... I've barely eaten since... I wanted to vent with other people but I didn't feel anyone would understand this so I just came here...
I hate how these methods of getting rich are brainwashing people by making them successful by tantalizing them with unethical acts... I hate that Crypto Swift thing and I hate all of these stupid ways to get rich. God is the only way to find true success.
I just need to find an answer. What should I do to solve this? pls I just want my brother back...