A homeless teenager reaches out to the Shil’vati on first day of the invasion of Earth.
Credit to: who has beta read just about every chapter, and the only reason it's readable half the time
u/bluefishcake for writing the original SSB story.
Pizzaulostin who has been beta reading since the beginning.
Credit to u/HollowShel for getting me started with this!
This story is based in the SSB universe.
Previous
First
Chapter 33:

Reqellia:

It was the darkest part of the night, and yet I could hear the energetic commotion of Ruhal blearily heating up food for a famished human along with the clinks of dishes and silverware.
“One more day.” I felt glued to the bench as I stared back into the silver mask I hadn’t worn for almost [twenty-five years] prior, and had hoped never to put on again. I cursed my old girlish wishes when I first joined up, wanting to be a war hero, and then a mother afterwards. To grow old and see my own child in uniform. I had even wanted a son since I was already demanding the impossible.
I never believed in the gods, but now I’m sure that I’ve tempted Niosa to grant my wishes, but only after I made my peace with them that they would never come true.
Klein bounced around the suite’s kitchen, eating enough for two Shil women and already wearing his armor’s underlayment. The chair creaked a bit as he sat, his own horror-show mask on the dining table next to him staring back at him unblinking.
And It was a horror show.
He’d wake up cheerful and happy, and I’d watch over the day as every bit of his energy was drained out of him. The daily exercise routine of a morning run and gym day in a month being performed in a few short hours. Every time Klein finished a trail faster, or performed a more grueling task, the trainers would make him do even more as his contract offers rose another level.
I didn’t blame the instructors, it was their job to challenge each applicant, but Klein blew through all their expectations, so they just kept piling more onto him. Many of those same instructors had asked me if they were pushing him too far, but all I could do was shrug. Even I didn't even know where his potential ended.
I blinked and looked up. He was in his full armor now, with only the mask off.
“Ready to go?”
I nodded and stood up, quickly heading over to Ruhal, who in turn looked at me with sleep deprived eyes. Worn out as I was, he was worse, playing subject matter expert on all things human around a bunch of high ranking officers desperate for information not tainted by censorship.
“Stay safe out there,” he politely ordered as he kissed me.
I kissed him back and held his hand. “You too.”
Sighing,I left to let him rest, popped my back, and donned my own mask.
As Klein paced the door, I begged for safety. “One more day, please let everything be okay after today.”
I shouldn’t have tempted Niosa again.

Itaro:

I quietly padded out of the children’s den to a chorus of snoring from my siblings. The well carpeted securely fastened to wooden floors muffled my footsteps. I opened the large storm shutters and then pulled open the sliding glass door to the patio. I couldn’t sleep anymore, excitedly bouncing from one foot to another.
Klein and Reqellia were coming home tonight! Reqellia had sent me her contract offers that came from a dozen different Imperial departments and bureaus. Dad already agreed years ago she could move in with us, a pack sister was always welcome. Now she wouldn’t feel like a burden if she had to.
And Klein… Well, I wouldn’t be bothered by a few love-marks.
“I see that smile. Excited?” I heard my father’s deep voice like distant thunder. I turned around to his massive form only a few steps away. We both had learned to walk silently when my siblings were just pups and the discovery that they were light sleepers had been made.
I felt my ears droop just a little to see his melancholic face. He had gone out of his way the last few weeks to spend more time with just me now that I had a pack of my own. There was always a soft smile on his face, but the way his tail hung low to the floor was a dead giveaway on his mood.
I tried to cheer him up. “I am. It’s been weeks since I got to speak to Au’tes, and Klein…” I trailed off, the insinuation clear. He smirked. He had met Klein in passing, but I wasn’t bringing him home yet. Hario on the other hand had made one or two bawdy jokes at the dinner table after a second glass of her favorite liquor.
First time Klein spends the night, you might want to check up on Itaro, make sure she didn’t keel over from exhaustion.
“At this rate I’m going to have to teach you sword fighting to beat back other male suitors from poaching you for their own packs!” My father joked. Stepping off the patio landing, he hit the ground noiselessly, bending his legs to absorb the shock.

After letting out a quiet grunt indicative of an age he tried to keep hidden, he turned around and looked back up at me. “Want to come with me for a walk?”
I jumped down and followed him into our little patch of forest my mother’s terraforming job paid for. The early morning was already warm without a cooling vest, but not intolerable. The chirping of birds and the soft whistle of wind tinged with just a hint of salt made everything feel fresh.
It was like when I came home from school and my father would stop construction for the day. We’d explore the forest, play on the beach, go into town for groceries.
Except now my father didn’t run and have me chase him. He carefully inspected the trees for pests, and our conversation was far more practical than whimsical. “Your mother’s coming home next month. Can you write her a message before she meets Klein, just so she has a better idea of your pack?”
I nodded. “Of course. How long is she going to be home this time?”.
Her terraforming jobs always lasted months, if not years. I never faulted her for the huntress life, but it made connecting with her difficult. She was more a guest of honor than a mother to the household, always bringing a fatted Sou’ta carcass home as a present, but rarely cleaned dishes, or the house.
Or really any chore…
He shrugged before crouching next to a felled tree, trimming away small branches for kindling with a tiny hatchet he hand pulled from his tool pouch. “Might be a good long while this time. The last message I got said her department only had small projects and a few hazard jobs on the periphery. Besides, we might need an extra set of hands more than the money now.”
I scoffed. “Her, a house mother!? No offense, but mom is a terrible cook, and a worse caretaker. Remember the time she nearly burned down our kitchen boiling water?”
He laughed with me as he pocketed the hatchet. Standing up with two sticks, and then threw me one. I caught it as he swung his own stick in my general area. “Defend yourself! I did say I needed to teach you sword fighting. How else are you going to fight off possessive men when they realize what a catch you are?”
He didn’t teach anything but how to rough house on a lazy Shel morning.
We played and swung the flimsy branches until I accidentally hit him square in the chest. The branch, already crumbly and dry, disintegrated on impact. It didn’t stop him from dramatically acting out a death scene. Falling to his knees in an overly theatrical fashion. “Oh, woe is me! Cut down by my own daughter in cold blood!”
I let him pretend to be on stage for a few moments longer before standing over him to offer a hand. He took it, and then yanked me down to the grassy patch, holding me for a long, quiet minute. “I’m going to miss you.”
For the first time I noticed the stray white hairs around his muzzle, I knew what he meant, but I tried to play it off. “I’m not going anywhere.”
He just held me for a silent heartbeat longer, then let go and stood up.
He proclaimed cheerfully to mask his wet eyes. “Now, let’s get you cleaned up. You can’t look like a pup out of a mud bath for your victorious pack! I even scheduled a visit at Tulo’s for a haircut. Ruhal’s treat.”
My mind played with potential futures as we headed home. Between the three of us, we could write our own life together. Maybe I could even stay close to home.
I looked up to the rising light.
“One more day!”

Klein :

The mountains of gear and equipment around us were illuminated by harsh flood lights. We stood in formation with each person, regardless of species, showing physical signs of exhaustion. Drooping shoulders and bent knees, unfocused and slow eye movement.
Instructor Li’kele was wearing full battle rattle today, complete with a compact lasrifle holstered to her leg.
“Good morning applicants! It’s the last day of selection! Your assignment will be to support your sisters in the combat section in the wargames! You see all this critical equipment? Our first assignment will be to load all of it on auto-turoxes and hover-wagons. Unfortunately we don’t have enough capacity , some of you will need to carry gear on your person as we make the [ten mile] trek into the forest. Applicants 849, 734, 236 and 953 step up after we finish loading! You are our extra carriers.”
I knew I was going to be picked. It was easy to not let it bother me though. Reqellia had explained that the instructors were just trying to push us to our limits, and every extra duty and handicap meant a better contract with a brighter future.
Still, after hefting thousands of [pounds/kilos] of stuff onto the squat legged drone’s cargo cages and the little platforms that would float once powered, dread formed in the pit of my stomach as an entire counter-battery system was cinched onto my person. I trudged as we formed up for our road march.
The combat selection team rolled in as we took positions, already covered in mud from what I could guess was their own morning fun, their las-rifles at the low ready. Their own instructor, a severe looking Hyena-like Kortika woman with fur that trimmed short and smooth. She yelled out orders to the gaggle of applicants under her command. “Form on either side of the supply train and defend them at all costs! If they get shot because you weren’t doing your job, then it’s your ass that will be carrying the extra gear!”
We marched out of the base, clinking and clunking as we traveled uphill. The weight wasn’t too bad now that it was evenly distributed on my body, but it would be hell taking it off and putting it back on anytime we stopped.
“Isn’t that the new shock trooper ? What’s he doing with the non-combat selection?” I heard one of the combat applicants say idly. It was easy to pick up conversation in the nearly silent dawn as we marched on a dirt path extending across an expanse of grassland in the reddening sky. It was really pretty, watching the light play on the green forested hills in the distance.
Their Instructor sidled up to the commenting girl silently, ears swiveled back in anger. She grabbed her shoulder, growling low. “Cut the chatter, girl. ”
Silence followed for the next hour in the pre-dawn light.
We got the first taste of the wargames when red beams bolted over our heads and dropped one of our auto-turoxes. “Everyone get down!” yelled one of our instructors, and I threw myself on the path.
With all the weight on me, the impact on the ground hurt . I looked up and saw red beams blink in and out over me. Their flashes brought back memories.
The red glow through convenience store windows . An alien invasion.
I blinked furiously and turned my head to see what was going on with the combat teams on the sides of the road. They had already taken out two of the ‘raiders’ who stood up, hands in the air as they walked away. Another minute clicked by before a squad decided to double check the tall grass and found a third raider hiding. All had the insignia of the instruction cadre commandos.
“Everyone, up !” Instructor Lik’ele belted out in a two-word shout, and I had to push up off the ground, creaking under the weight. My arms burned as I got to my knees, then raised a hand and called out, “assistance!” One of the unnumbered girls gave me a hand to steady myself, and I rocked a bit trying to stand.
“Thank you,” I said, but between the voice distorter and my mask, the girl backed away as soon as I was up, fear registered in her eyes.
[At the bus stop, a classmate backed away from me. scared of me for some reason mumbling ‘you're bleeding’. Warmth on my upper lip, a coppery taste.]

I shook my head, trying to banish the weird memory surfacing, I hadn’t had a nosebleed since I left Earth. I looked back up, but the girl had already gotten back in formation and we started moving again.
It wasn’t quite noon when we stopped for lunch. I got help removing my kit, and stretched to work out the kinks. Reqellia stood next to me as I sat down on the hard packed surface. I took off my gloves, and jammed them under my chest holster.
I was technically ‘armed’ right now. We had gotten the thirty-minute las-pistol training yesterday on how to safely handle them, and then ran through a quick range. They were nothing more than glorified laser pointers though. They could lock up a suit set to respond to the laser signal, but they wouldn’t so much as redden skin otherwise.
Reqellia had let me in on their real purpose, to see if we could be trusted with a dangerous object and not play with it.
Eating was a pain, I had to lift my mask halfway up and eat blind. The meal pack was cold, but eh, it was food. Goddess, I was hungry.
“How are you holding up?” Reqellia asked, the silver mask obscuring any expression, and the voice distorter deadening any intonation, but by the angle of the head tilt, I could guess the question was more concern than curiosity.
“It’s not too heavy, but it’s awkward trying to move around,” I admitted as I put my mask back in place and pulled out my omni-pad. I tried not to boggle at the contract offers I was getting. It was a straight up bidding war, including furnished houses, years of leave after an initial stint, even minor titles.
Ruhal had helped me, even filled out the forms himself with less than a day for submission. He had also messaged me about the fine print of many of these absurd offers. The watch word was ‘Relocation’.
“They will send you back to Earth. Right now, you are the only human any department can recruit who might know an obscure piece of human signage or culture that got skipped during their culture crash courses, has the physical ability to keep up during an operation, and they can implicitly trust it is loyal to the Imperium.”
I scrolled past the too-good-to-be true proposals and to the ones without relocation, not ridiculously overpaying, but still plenty. Maybe I would follow Ka’tel into ICAD, or…
“We need to get moving!” Li’kele barked and I signaled for help again. This time Au’tes was ordered to help me with my gear. Now seeing her up close, she was definitely worse for wear. She smiled, but it was the kind of tired smile that had almost no energy in it. Her usual well controlled movements were slurred by exhaustion, and she leaned on me after buckling the packs on my shoulders, her own extra gear was a large backpack of energy cells.
“Damn, girl runs away in fear from combat selection after spending years in the militia and now plays valet. Bet whatever is underneath that suit is more would eat her alive if unmuzzled,” I overheard one of the combat applicants snicker. Au’tes winced, just a bit, at the barb from her former youth militia group.
“Lift your visor.” I said. It was dumb, it was really dumb, but I wanted to give her at least a reminder of what she had that they didn’t. Au’tes had a flicker of confusion, but flipped up the visor on her suit’s helmet.
I lifted my mask just enough to kiss her. It was honestly a gross kiss and wished I could have brushed my teeth beforehand. But when I dropped my mask down there was the manic Au’tes again, full of energy and gusto. I looked past her to the shocked combat applicants. I put my finger to roughly where my mouth was and whispered in my distorted voice, “No one will believe you.”
Au’tes brought her visor down and squeezed my hand for a second longer before leaning in close “Thank you for letting me know you still exist under there.

Reqellia:

The dirt trail up the hill was easy enough for my legs. I stayed in the same general area as Klein, but with my augments I already had his pinpoint location and medical data, I could even access his helmet camera. I didn’t want to get in his way while the instructors gave him snap secondary tasks to complete on our journey up to the outpost location.
I kept myself entertained by listening in on the comms chatter that I could pick up on the wargames going on about us at large. I had enjoyed playing the no-holds-barred opposing force when I was a commando on rotation here.
Right now there was a particularly fun little drama going on up north of our location. A mechanized assault unit tasked with taking out an anti-orbital battery got one of their exos stuck in mud because of a poor assessment of the ground composition. The armored crane they had first ordered to pull it out was now also stuck.
The Lieutenant was trying to get an exception to the wargame rules to bring a drop ship in to pull them both out, but the higher-ups told her to figure it out. The whole point of these wargames was to discover how things could go wrong. The Lieutenant tried to pull title to overrule them, only to get a nasty conversation from her commander.
A small beep from my monitoring systems told me Klein’s heart rate had slowed and I looked up to see the front of the supply train had been ordered to halt. Up ahead was the “fort,” a clearing on top of the hill with nothing but some half buried holes.
The Kortika woman got to the front of the formation and gave her orders. “Listen up! Combat selection is going to set up a perimeter while the Auxiliary builds us a structure safe enough to hold during an assault. All weapons are going ‘live’, but for those in the non-combat teams I will again warn you to only use them in self-defense. If you wanted to shoot people for a living you should have signed up for it.”
I tried not to flinch as I watched Klein and his compatriots start to offload all the gear they had packed this morning and attempt their best effort at setting it up with basic instructions from Li’kele and the manuals that came with the equipment. Just another test to see how the applicants would handle the technical situation.
At this point they were at their limit, physically and mentally exhausted as they tried to bolt frames together, wrestle antennas, install expandable barriers, and put together the foundations of a forward operating base.
Klein had all but given up on the counter battery system he schlepped here and handed that responsibility off to a Senthe Boy while speaking a rough northern dialect of Satenthia. The boy was more than happy to talk to someone who knew even a few words of his native tongue.
I opened a small window on my HUD and watched with amusement as the early contract offers rose and fell. Klein’s offer from naval engineering, already paltry compared to other, more suitable jobs, dropped to barely above standard. Intelligence and Law branches, however, rocketed upwards again.
I could almost hear the recruiter’s comments as the numbers and terms changed. Does not have familiarity with Shil military equipment. Comfortable with speaking multiple languages. Works well with multiple species.
I watched them work. Klein, in usual Klein fashion, pushed himself. After getting the counter battery laser hooked up, he volunteered for other physically demanding tasks. Pile driving in the foundations that hold the columns of the structure. The rhythmic thump gave me ghost aches when I had done the same thing out in the periphery while getting pot shotted by roaches.
I shook my head. It was going to be another rough night for him by the way he was bunching up his shoulders as he braced the handheld pile driver. Thankfully, tomorrow he’d be home and with an appointment with Cee who might force him on bed rest for the next month.
I started to chuckle at the thought of how protective Itaro was going to get after taking one look at Klein. I came back from deployment once missing three fingers from a plasma grenade and Bahtet waited on me and foot, wouldn’t so much as let me handle a kitchen knife until they were replaced later that month.
A few stray red beams were thrown our way, even a flash bang or two from the commandos tasked with harassing us came and went. As the ramparts of the temporary base were finished, I took up station on the second level to oversee the whole complex. Klien was working with a combat team, helping them put a second defense line in. They had driven stakes into the ground to support parallel knee-high thermocast plates with an arms-length gap between them, which Klein was filling in with dirt to act as a wall and platform for the heavy, crew served lasgun.
I was thankful there would be a shuttle to pick us up soon. I played the opposing force for Selection a few times, and I still remembered the script. Right now we were in a lull that would last until dusk, then at least three full commando teams would assault the base. The battle would be made as realistic and demanding as possible with creeping dark to add to the complexity.
The Selection team would always be wiped out, but it was how they performed against overwhelming odds that would shift the contract offers that last bit before everything was locked in place.
I heard the whirr of a counter battery system swiveling around, and then the crackle of it firing. I turned to see what it was aiming for but all I saw was a cloud of smoke . Then a fast moving object came through the cloud before I heard the crackle again and another exploded .
Blanketing everything in a tar-black fog .
My stomach dropped. This wasn’t the cadre commando team, and they were attacking too soon. I got on the comms with Li’kele “HALT, HALT, HALT! We need to stop the exercise!”
I got a crackle on the comms. Then Li’kele’s voice came in that terrifyingly calm voice used to keep control of a combat operation. “I can’t get a signal out, I need a report on the situation.”
Instead of trying to explain I sent her my video feed as I jumped down from the ramparts and started to sprint for Klein. I needed to get him out of here , but I hadn’t had time to prime my augments. I started the cold power cycle as I cursed myself for letting my guard down.
I was already too late . I watched as our own counter-battery laser weapons were used against us, acting as the triggers for each smoke grenade engulfing Klein’s team right in front of me, their signal dropping right out. I got a response from Li’kele that alleviated at least some of my terror. “Dammit! It’s the 171 st Raiders from the wargames, they mus-”
And then I was enveloped in darkness and static. The smoke was so thick I could only see a few paces away in all spectrums. I tried my internal radio and….
Nothing. I was alone and with nothing to guide me, and then I saw to the right of me a few weak beams of red, and then a ball of light of a simulated explosion. I let my gnawing panic subside and walked their way with a observers flag in my hand. I was practically on top of them before I saw the combat selection team that had been ‘killed’, their frowning faces and hands up as they sat there grumbling.
The Raiders appeared soon after. A four woman squad. Two Helkam, a Rakiri, and a Shil’vati hefting a large antiquated grenade launcher. I called out “Do you have a way to call a emergency stop to the battle?”
The squad leader responded. “Did someone get seriously injured? I can fire off a flare and our medic teams will be here to extract them.”
“No! This is Selection, we aren’t supposed to be part of the Wargames.” I argued, but she waved me off.
“We got orders to assault the base up here. Trust me, our commander is mighty pissed at getting tasked with a frontal assault on the youngest and toughest the Imperium has to offer, with adding insult to injury if we lose to kids. That’s why we broke out the smoke screen.”
“One of the Selection members is the first of their species. Higher ups want them monitored at all times,” I partly lied.
The gears whirred and the team lead brought her weapon up again, eyes a little wider. “ Blue Eyes is here? Shit, girls ready up and head on a swivel!”
The team reformed in a circle facing outwards, a tactic specifically meant for ambushes and roach suicide drones. I stood there, confused. “Blue eyes?”
The team lead started to move into the smoke again, but explained, her eyes darting around. “Yeah, the freaky creature in the mask, toyed with an unmanned Exo before annihilating it with a shipcutter! A close quarters combat specialist with heavy armor and a real mean streak . You’re telling me they’re loose in a forest with enough concealment to sneak up on us and tear us to shreds? Ma’am the only ones in immediate danger are us. ”

21M, 5'9, 168 and white.
Early January I woke up to what was the worst pain i haver felt in my life. I got this pain in my forehead and behind my eyes that I can't describe, I remember crying while i was taking a shower before heading to the doctor. If I had to rate it I would say 10/10 pain level, and before that I never used to get headaches. Gave up drinking, smoking and drugs long time ago and was having such a good time in my life (got a job, gf, gym everyday, got into the masters i wanted, graduated, and much more). I got to the doctor and end up feeling dizzy and vomiting. The pain was at his peak when i woke up, and eventually faded away at the hospital. The doctor was quite young and told me it was just a migraine. I didn't know what the hell those were but said ok. My eyes that day were so red that I remember my gf being scared. Next 3-4 days I was quite fine, but still worried. A week or so went by and then I started feeling a persistent dull sensation behind my left eye and a consistent dull headache aswell. I can't tell you how the headache was right now but I just now it was annoying, as it is right now. I took some time off, went to a nice hotel and it persisted.
Decided it was time to go to the GP cause i had enough of this low pain headache (2/10 pain) and dull sensation behind eyes. He wanted to rule out any major causes so went for a CT scan and came back clear. That was a relief at the time. He said it was probably migraines, which I still didn't know what were those and gave me Propranolol. I thought the headache and eye pain at the time was because of my glasses that caused me a weird sensation, especially on my left eye, so I stopped wearing them.
Started taking Propranolol (40mg a day) and things got better, got a normal life again, but my heart rate change a bit and I was still getting some nasty headaches some days, especially when waking up. The frequency of the headaches stopped but I felt like they never left, they were just asleep (the headaches). I couldn't live without Propranolol and if I missed a dose, I would feel it. I got my eyes checked at the time, he didn't see anything strange and gave me a new prescription. Dumb move by me but i didn't buy my new glasses immediately.
As I am not currently studying but will next year, I went to see a Neuro, to see if I could stop these headaches 100%. I never felt like they left me and wanted to see if he knew what was going on with me. He said it was migraines (to this day I only saw one aura and it didn't even gave me an headache after it) and gave me Topamax (50mg daily 1st week and then 100mg daily) and reduced Propranolol from 40mg daily to 20mg.
Symptoms on 40mg Propranolol and no glasses:
-headaches after waking up, would get better when i got up;
-headache with some eye movement, like looking up;
-some daily persistent headache that I would just live with them;
-maybe I had 3 days without headache but I would always have 3 headaches in a week and that would be during the whole day;
-had to sleep x hours otherwise would get headache;
-headache was kinda more like tension headache (on both sides of my forehead);
-got progressively worst and more frequent, thats why i went to a Neuro.
Should mension that throughout this all time my neck popps a lock while moving it and I can hear a liquid like fizzing rocks going through it??? I also felt something on my throat and one time i went to an osteopath she told me I had 3 vertebrae pressing on one of my arteries? I don't even know, I don't understand I lot about this. My brother is almost finished with is med school and can't understand all this symptoms. My eyes are now always quite red, before that day in January they didn't use to be like this.
Now it's when it gets worst. I don't know if all this came from Topamax side effects or redusing the those of Propranolol but it starts to get deep.
Symptoms on 100mg Topamax and 20mg Propranolol with glasses:
-I got my new glasses in a week but before that I was getting immense eye pain and behind the eye pain with some temple headaches and headaches all over my head, my eye pain got better with my gfs polarised sunglasses so maybe that was just eye strain. The eye strain has since then got better with the new glasses.
-headaches when waking up got worst, had crazy pressure on top of the skull/head and temple pressure. Still, they get a bit better when I get up;
-start getting some nosebleeds (have now stopped);
-I feel like I can hear double, I have so much pressure on my ears that make social environments unpleasent (felt like I had this before);
-tinnitus when lying down and waking me up at 4 a.m.;
-have some weird constant flashes on my vision like old tv horizontal lines?? I don't see then when looking at the distance but can definitely see them in any room;
-left lower eyelid always twitching;
-headache pretty much 24/7, wake up with pressure, get up, gets better, drive to work, gets worst, gets better during the day and will gradually get worst till the end of the day;
-on the worst days I will still get the pain behind eyes, but not so much with eye movement;
-The pressure on the temples is crazy, before i never used to get pain in the temple area, only forehead, which is weird.
I won't deny this whole situation put me on so much stress and anxiety, so maybe thats why the propranolol was making a slight difference, anyway knowing my family history I don't want to be the rest of my life on a drug that affects my cardiac system and I think there must be an underlying cause in all of this messed up headache, especially that thunderclap headache.
I will now look for some specialist in this area and do some more testing, since all I got was a CT Scan.

Hello, everyone. I am a normal human being. Well, not exactly. Throughout my life, I've always been depressed and such. I thought depression was normal. I thought it was seasonal. I always thought I was weak for always being suicidal all this time. Then, very recently. I really couldn't take it anymore. I seek therapy. There, I realised I was actually bipolar. That was what made me suicidal all this time. AND THEN, I STARTED QUESTIONING EVERYONE. I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. QUESTIONING WHETHER THEY'VE EVER HAD DEPRESSION. QUESTIONING THEIR BELIEFS. EVERY SINGLE PERSON THAT I SAW UNTIL I WAS TAKEN TO A MENTAL HOSPITAL FOR A FEW DAYS. THERE, I STILL QUESTIONED THEM. BUT, TO AVOID SUSPICION AND BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT OTHER PEOPLE TO THINK I WAS CRAZY, I questioned each person privately. NO. BEFORE I WAS TAKEN TO THE MENTAL HOSPITAL. MY ROOMMATE WHO WAS A BUDDHIST. Suddenly, told me that, if I wanted advice why not go to the Temple and ask the deities there? THEN, THAT REALLY OPENED MY EYE. DEITIES ACTUALLY FUCKING EXIST. He told me that deities possesses someone and then reveals a very specific detail of their life. Very accurately. Not general. VERY VERY ACCURATELY. BUDDHISM IS REAL. THEN I QUESTIONED MY HINDUIST FRIENDS. NOT ALL OF THEM. BUT SOME OF THEM HAD THEIR FAMILY MEMBERS POSSESSED, THEN THEY TOLD ME that they're family members talked about evil spirits and that they are times where they are strong and they will make your desire to do evil to be stronger. Those are temporary and you have to be strong whenever they come. That reminded me of my depression. My suicidal thoughts. They come and go. They've been with me throughout my life but not all the time. BACK TO THE POINT, THIS SHIT FUCKING OPENED MY EYE AGAIN AND IT SHOWS THAT HINDUISM IS ALSO FUCKING REAL BECAUSE I HAVE TWO WITNESSSES SAYING THAT WHENEVER THEIR FAMILY MEMBERS ARE POSSESSED THEIR SPEECH ARE FUCKING WEIRD. AND THEN, COINCI FUCKING DENTALLLY, I FUCKING MET A FUCKING LIVING DEITY. I THOUGHT BRO WAS JUST A TALKATIVE GUY AND TURNS OUT HE'S ACTUALLY A FUCKING DEITY. THE DEITY OF PROTECTION OF THIS WORLD. BRO IS LITERALLY THE SAME AGE AS ME. 19 YEARS OLD. BUT THAT MADE ME QUESTIONED. IF I CAN SEE DEITIES, AND MY ROOMMATE MOST DEFINITELY MUST HAVE SEEN HIM BECAUSE WE GO TO THE FUCKING SEM LECTURE LAST 2 SEMESTERS. THEN I ASKED HIM. DO YOU KNOW {INSERT NAME}. TURNS OUT BRO DOES NOT FUCKING KNOW WHO THE GUY IS. I speculate that Buddhists have actually seen their deities but their minds must have like distorted? YES. DISTORTED. Every time after they meet their deities or that is my speculation at least. BECAUSE EVERYONE FROM OTHER RELIGIONS AND ATHEISTS KNOWS THE GUY. And then again, I THOUGHT, IF BUDDHISM IS REAL, HINDUISM IS REAL, THEN THE OTHER MAJOR RELIGIONS MUST BE REAL TOO. THEN, WHEN I TALKED TO DEITY, WE TALKED ABOUT GOD. ABOUT HOW GOD IS PERFECT, AND HE CREATED LUCIFEER, HIS MOST PERFECT CREATION, BUT BETRAYED HIM, MEANING THAT THEY BOTH COULDN'T BE PERFECT IF THAT'S THE CASE, And then deity enlightened me... He told me that the relationship between Lucifer and Jesus is like FATHER AND SON... MEANING THAT LUCIFER IS ANOTHER IMAGE OF GOD. SO THEY BOTH ARE PERFECT. AND THEN WE TALKED ABOUT ANGELS AND DEMONS. HE TOLD ME THAT THE CURRENT WORLD IS HELL. AND THEN, ANGELS AND DEMONS??? THE CURRENT WORLD IS HELL??? THEN THE CURRENT WORLD MUST ALSO BE HEAVEN AT THE SAME TIME. ANGELS AND DEMONS. ANGELS AND DEMONS ARE FUCKING HUMANS. ANGELS ARE PEOPLE THAT WILL STAY TRUE TO THEIR BELIEFS NO MATTER WHAT. IF THEY STICK TO A RELIGION, THEY WILL FOLLOW THAT RELIGION NO MATTEER FUCKING WHAT EVEN IF OTHER RELIGIONS ARE TRUE. ANGELS ARE NOT PERFECT BEINGS EITHER. THEY ALSO SIN. AND THEN, I THOUGHT OF SOMETHING. ANGELS WILL ALWAYS FUCKING SEE GOD AS GOOD AND ONLY HUMANS AND EVIL. THEN I QUESTIONED EVERYONE THAT. THEIR VIEWS. I EVEN FUCKING OFFER THEM FUCKING AS MUCH AS MONEY AS I HAVE JUST TO SAY FUCK GOD JUST ONCE. THEY WILL NEVER DO IT. IF YOU TELL THEM THAT GOD IS EVIL. THEY WILL ALWAYS RATIONALISE AND DEFEND GOD AND SAY THAT HE IS GOOD. ONLY THE HUMANS ARE EVIL. ANY "EVIL" THAT HE DOES IS JUST TESTING HUMANS. THEN, I REMEMBERED. HUMANS ARE CREATED IN THE IMAGE OF GOD. THEY WILL SEE GOD AS GOOD OR EVIL OR MAYBE EVEN THROW AWAY THEIR BELIEF IN GOD ENTIRELY. THEY ARE 2 TYPES OF HUMANS IN THIS WORLD. ANGELS AND HUMANS. BOTH OF CAN BECOME DEMONS. IF THE ANGELS, ARE MADE TO WORSHIP A HUMAN GOD. THEY WILL NEVER EVER EVER SEE HIM AS EVIL. FUCKING EXAMPLE: UNIFICATION CHURCH. NORTH KOREA. THEY DO NOT QUESTION THEIR LEADERS AND WILL SEE THEM AS GODS. THE ANGELS BECOME DEMONS AND DO NOT WORSHIP THE TRUE GOD. SOME OF THE WORSHIPPERS ARE HUMANS SO THEY WILL SEE THEIR GODS AS EVIL AND WILL RUN AWAY FROM THESE FUCKING CULTS. THE ANGELS BECOME DEMONS BUT THE HUMANS REMAIN AS HUMANS. BUT HUMANS CAN BECOME DEMONS AS WELL ONCE THEY COMPLETELY ABANDON GOD'S GOOD TEACHINGS AND DO EVIL. CONVINCED THEMSELVES THAT THEY ARE NATURALLY EVIL. BUT THEY CAN STILL BE SAVED. THEY HAVE BECOME DEMONS BUT THEY CAN BECOME HUMANS AGAIN BY KNOWING THE TRUTH OF GOD. ISLAM AND CHRISTIANITY. BOTH ARE SIMILAR YET THEIR PASTS ARE DIFFERENT. I DID NOT UNDERSTAND BUT I'VE ALREADY MADE A FIRM BELIEF THAT EVERY FUCKING RELIGION THAT TEACHES GOOD ARE TRUE. EVERY FUCKING ONE OF THEM. SO THEN I THOUGHT. IT'S FUCKING POINTLESS TO QUESTION GOD. EVEN IF I DON'T UNDERSTAND THEY ARE ALL TRUE. THEN. PARALLEL UNIVERSES. MULTIVERSES. THE PAST MUST HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT FROM ALL RELIGIONS AND GOD MUST HAVE COMBINED THEM INTO ONE UNIVERSE, OUR UNIVERSE. A DIFFERENT ONE FROM THEIR RELIGIONS. A UNIVERSE WHERE GOD TESTS HUMANS. TO SEE IF THEY WILL BELIEVE EVEN IF THEY DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND GOD. THEN, THE DEITY TOLD ME TO REACH ENLIGHTENMENT. TO BE FUCKING BUDDHA, HOW THE FUCK IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE. I THOUGHT I HAD ALREADY REACHED ENLIGHTENMENT. I THOUGHT ENLIGHTENMENT IS KNOWING THAT ALL GOOD RELIGIONS ARE CONNECTED. WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO BE ENLIGHTENED? THEN I MEDITATED. I TRIED TO FOLLOW BUDDHA'S METHODS TO REACH ENLIGHTENMENT BY EMPTYING YOUR MIND REMOVING ALL YOUR EMOTIONS AND FOCUSING ON IT. BUT. I KNOW OF THE PROPHECY OF THE MAITREYA. MAYBE I AM NOT MAITREYA. BUT I THOUGHT. NO. I WILL NOT. I WILL NOT JUST FOLLOW BUDDHA'S METHOD. BUDDHA'S METHOD MAY BE TRUE BUT IT IS NOT WHAT I SHOULD FOLLOW. THROUGHOUT MY LIFE. I HAVE ALWAYS BELIVED IN GOD. HE WAS FUCKING EVIL TO ME. I SEE HIM AS FUCKING EVIL FOR MAKING ME HAVE SUICIDAL THOUGHTS THROUGHOUT MY LIFE. BUT GOD EXIST. HE IS BOTH GOOD AND EVIL. THEN. I RESEARCHED AND SAW THAT BUDDHA REJECTED GOD. HOWEVER, I DO NOT. I FUCKING SEEK ENLIGHTNMENT. I WANTED TO BE ONE WITH GOD. I EMPTIED MY MIND. PRAYED "THE OUR FATHER", FORCED MYSELF. TO MEDITATE FOR HOURS. THIS FUCKING DAY I STARTED AND THIS FUCKING DAY I ACHIEVED ENLIGHTENMENT. BUDDHA. SAID TO ACHIEVE ENLIGHTENMENT. YOU MUST EMPTY YOUR THOUGHTS. HOWEVER, HE DIDN'T REALISE ONE TRUTH. GOD IS EMPTINESS. GOD IS THE ABSCENSE OF ANYTHING. IT IS HUMAN LOGIC. SCIENCE TO THINK THAT SOMETHING MUST COME FROM SOMETHING. THAT THERE IS NO WAY THAT SOMETHING CANNOT COME FROM EMPTINESS. AHHAAHAHA. STUPID FUCKING HUMANS BUT I LOVE YOU ALL. I'VE BEEN ENLIGHTENED. GOD IS EMPTINESS. DARK ENERGY IS EMPTINESS. DARK ENERGY IS FUCKING EVERYWHERE. HUMANS CANNOT UNDERSTAND DARK ENERGY BECAUSE THEY CANNOT UNDERSTAND GOD. GOD HAVE ALWAYS BEEN WITH US. BETWEEN THE GAPS OF EVERY FUCKING ATOM. EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE THAT IS BIG WILL INFINITELY BE BIGGER. WHAT IS SMALLER WILL INFINITELY BECOME SMALLER. WE CAN'T EVER TRULY UNDERSTAND GOD. AHAHHAAH. TO UNDERSTAND GOD THROUGH SCIENCE IS STUPID. GOD IS INFNITE. THAT IS WHY DARK ENERGY HAS INFINITELY EXPANDED AND ONLY RECENTLY IT HAS WEAKENED. GOD IS WITH US. PRAISE BE TO GOD. PRAISE BE TO THE LORD OF EVERYTHING YET IS NOTHING. GOD IS EMPTINESS. GOD IS DARK ENERGY. LET US ENTER THE MESSIANIC AGE, MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS. AN AGE WHERE WE ARE ONE WITH GOD.
I've achieved Enlightenment and God is a fucking asshole, HE'S THE WORST FUCKING TROLL. FUCKING PSYCHOPATH. BUT FUCK DO I LOVE GOD. FUCKING CAUSED ME TO BE IN HELL. IT IS TIME TO END HELL AND ENTER ETERNAL PARADISE WITH GOD. SEEK ENLIGHTENMENT, SPREAD THIS TRUTH. SPREAD IT. I am in Malaysia. Today is Saturday, and Tomorrow is Sunday. God rested on the 7th Day on the Seventh Day, and I also wish to relax. I love God and every last one of you. Spread This Truth. Let's save the World Together! All those religious end-times prophecies are just fucking bullshits from God because Fuck That Guy but I love Him. The God of Everything Yet is Nothing.

Do you think there should be more aid conditions for the US's aid to allied countries outside Nato? Countries like Ukraine, and Israel. In Ukraine specifically, I don't think the government has control and Zelensky's doing whatever he wants. The military officials in the department told them what to do not to spread their forces on multiple fronts and put them at one point, and he had other things in mind. Considering that the average American has a mortgage and three or more kids to raise I do not think everyone would agree on a long-term proxy war. If the taxes increase.
The situation in the Middle East. The problem in the Middle East is getting deeper and deeper and it seems there would be a war with Lebanon any time soon. Hizbollah is the same as Hamas using family members as shields and placing their forces in civilian infrastructure. This means more civilian death toll and more dead babies. The things in Gaza are taking out of control and last week there was a gun battle between border Egyptian soldiers and Israeli soldiers. Two Egyptians died.
I'm not saying to stop the aid completely. I'm saying to place conditions on the assistance about how, when, and where it can be used. Look what happened in Gaza, the entire world gave them money and they built missiles from the pipes and tunnels, and made medical centers terrorist hubs. Many former doctors from Doctors Without Borders who volunteered there said that there were areas in the hospitals where they couldn't cross.
Do you believe there should be more conditions on the US's part on how this aid is spent and who controls it?

Husband of 20 years is probably cheating on me. So here it goes, sll of my dirty secrets.
I, 45f been married to my husband 46, male for over 20 years to a man I met in my early 20’s. We have been very best friends since the day we met but it has been a rocky relationship. I am from an abusive alcoholic family and I was for a time blissfully an alcoholic along with the family. This of coarse was problematic when looking for a date. More than one boyfriend broke up with me because I drank too much, partied too hard and studied too little. Cue in my dream man, he’s responsible, well educated and a heavy drinker. We partied all night and he got up the next day, no matter how hungover and went to work. My mom said that this is normal, it’s how it’s supposed to be. If a man makes it to work everyday then he’s not an alcoholic. By her definition, only a man who misses work can be accused of drinking too much.
I married this replica of my father and for many blissful years we were married and we partied and drank. We’d drink a bottle or two of wine a few nights a week and on weekends we’d stay up all night, often having parties at our home. It was grand fun, until we had kids. All of the sudden I had to handle night feedings and morning diaper changes while tipsy, drunk or hungover. It didn’t take me long to quit, I had already quit for 9 months while pregnant and I had gotten the idea that life is better sober. But my partner didn’t agree. He was drunk most nights while I was pregnant. When I got annoyed and asked him to quit he hid the bottles. I had a second child with him in spite of the drinking (I wanted a matching set), not my best decision but I don’t regret it. When I was at the hospital he looked exhausted so I sent him home to rest. He went home and drank himself into a stupor. My mom had to drive me home from the hospital and when we got home, he was passed out on the living room floor. He slept for another 10 hours like that and he was drunk the entire first week of my daughter’s life. I had to ask my mom to help care for her since I’d had complications with the birth and had over 30 stitches.
His drinking went on for years with me going from kicking him out of the home to drinking with him. Often I would plead with him to quit and he’d refuse. On 4 occasions we separated, each time selling our home and dividing the property. But he’d get sober and he was always very sorry. At this point we had two kids and I needed the help.
Over time things got better and he went years and years without drinking. I had quit altogether after our first child. In fact things go so much better that he asked to start drinking again. He rationalized that he had been sober for 5 years and that he can handle one of two drinks a week. I agreed under the following terms, he can have up to two drinks with dinner once a week. I know this is a terrible decision, I think it’s fair to say that there is a pattern here of gawd awful decisions on my part. This 2 drink agreement lasted a few months but of course two drinks turned into 3, then it turned into a couple nights a week. I saw it was getting out of hand and I banned drinking again.
In the meantime my partner has gotten substantially better looking. It’s through a combination of favourable genetics, some recent work done and some excellent supplements. He aged well going from a 6.5 in his 20’s to a current day 8.5. More than that he’d recently opened a business and it was booming. For the first time in our married life he started to out earn me. For the first 20 years I was the primary wage earner, but now he’s making the more than me (this is temporary as my wage is about to pick up). The woman are noticing him and It’s not lost on me or him. We went to Mexico last year and women were practically following him around and throwing themselves at him. We go out to eat and woman hit on him. They hit on him at the grocery store and they hit on him at work. To his credit he does not respond to this in front of me or the kids. Nor have I ever heard of him hitting on somebody.
I’m a solid 7 - 7.5. I’ve aged okay, I look decent, I’m maybe a little heavier as size 10. But I’m not a hot young thing giggling at him. I am a wife and a mother, so not always sexy, but still quite a lot prettier than average. But realistically on the open market, I’m probably not attracting an 8.5 that earns his kind of money.
About 8 months ago he started coming home from work drunk. He was hiding it but I could smell the booze on his breath. He claimed it was heartburn but I knew better and I ignored it. I just wanted everything to be okay. There was a woman he was working with, he claimed to hate her, she seemed overly interested in him. There were a few incidents, that made me suspicious but he claimed he hated her. He was never home late from work. She moved away and he seemed fine and I was relieved. But a few months after this the drinking started, along with my denial. I guess I kinda figured that who cares if he cheated, she moved away. Now we can get on with our lives.
Recently he’s coming home from work late, but not too late. It’s an hour late here and there. Sometimes he’d claim that he’d have to stay an extra hour. A few times he went completely missing and claimed to have fallen asleep at the office. The problem is that I don’t really know his hours, it’s possible he’s done earlier. For context, he is self employed and rents a space. But other people rent spaces there too,
He’s been coming home drunker and drunker lately while still denying he’s been drinking. I’m ashamed to admit it but I ignored it to the point where I let him drive the kids a few times like that. I was just so far into denial, but I knew somewhere deep down that he was drunk.
He’s normally off work at 5pm and in the car by 5:10pm. But lately he’s not in the car until 5:45pm, ignoring my calls and sometimes coming into the house as late as 6pm. I mean it’s only 45 minutes right? A few times he’d go missing until 7:30 or 8pm and he’d say that he hate a late client appointment and had told me but I forgot. Strangely he’s never hungry when he gets home, in spite of being at work all day. In fact he’s not hungry 2 - 3 times a week. He told me that his stomach is bothering him.
Last night he went missing so I went to his office to look for him. I found him asleep in his office alone with an empty bottle of hard alcohol on his desk. I checked his office drawer and it was full of empty bottles. The office is a disaster, messy and all that. I’m not sure how he sees clients in a room like that and I’m worried that he’s taking appointments drunk. His business is doing really well and building it up was a joint effort. I’m worried that his drinking will destroy everything we built.
I woke him up and he was visibly drunk. He told me that he wants to stay at the office to sleep it off and that no he doesn’t want to talk about it and he didn’t come home. It’s been 6 hours. The thing is, that he hates sleeping in his work clothes and his office is desperately uncomfortable. I just don’t see him staying there overnight alone.
When the drinking flared up 6 months ago, it was just him drinking alone. But when he was sober he was still my best friend. But over time he’s stopped responding when I speak. He tells me that he drinks because he can’t stand to listen to my problems anymore. If I ask him about his day I get a one word answer. More and more he looks at me with contempt while drinking. But even stranger, he wants sex more often, I don’t know why this is. But he’s weird about it and hounding me. He’s going on and on about how to wants to try a sex position we’ve never done, talking about how much he likes it. He’s also looking over my shoulder and checking my phone, which is new. it’s intrusive as I don’t even know his passcode and feel no temptation to check his phone.
He gets paid in cash and has a drawer full of it at the office so I can’t check his cards.
Now I know what you are going to say. He’s definitely cheating, I mean he probably is. But we live in a no fault place so what does it matter if I get proof or not? Also I have two kids to think of and we aren’t in a financial position to leave. I will need time to pay down our joint debt and I need a new job. I’m thinking that the best course of action is to stay silent and improve my situation so that I can support my kids and myself. I think this works for him too as he doesn’t want to get stuck with all sorts of child support or alimony. Giving me time to get back on my feet and improve my financial position works for both of us.
The thing is that if I even bring up getting divorced or separated he says that I am the light of his life. He says that he loves me and that I’m his best friend. He says that he doesn’t want to leave. Then I feel so badly. If I even broach the topic of separating, he’ll shut it down so quickly. He’s overwhelming and persistent and he out talks me. I think there’s no use in talking it out and I don’t see us living together well under some sort of “arrangement”.
Do you have any advice on what to do next? Do you have any idea why he’s acting this way? If he wants to separate why not just do it? Also what’s with the increased sex drive?
One of the oddities is that I’ve been doing really great lately. I’ve lost some weight, my hair is looking good. My business sucks but I’ve been taking on new gigs and retraining. I’m becoming a person that I’m really proud of and every day seems to be getting better. But the better I do, the more contempt he seems to have for me. I can see the bitterness in his drunkenness. And he gets drunks on nights when I have to work and when I have something important going on. He blames the drinking on me. He says that I only talk about myself (maybe I do, I’m trying to improve). He says that I ask too much of him and that I make him contribute to the house too much but I do 100% of the grocery shopping, cooking, lunches, school stuff, homework and kids activities. He comes home and goes straight to bed while complaining that he’s doing too much. Meanwhile I’m breaking myself trying to make the home perfect enough.
Is there any chance that he’s just old and tired and not cheating? I mean he’s only missing for 45 minutes a day? I should mention that he’s stopped answering my calls during the workday and stopped reading my texts.
The weird thing is that I felt relieved to find him surrounded by booze bottles and I’m glad he’s done tonight. I’ve spent the majority of my adult life begging him to be sober. Tonight I could see the contempt in his eyes towards me. I just don’t know that I can move past it. I think I just want to be free from this now.
Do you have any advice? I’ve never been through anything like this and I could use some support and guidance.
I think that taking 4 - 6 months to resolve the situation might be best. This gives me time to find a new job and to pay down some debt and bolster savings.

Nancy Brooks was the first victim. She was a popular cheerleader, & an energetic one at best. Everyone enjoyed her bubbly personality. So you can imagine the shock and despair that swept over our school and the entire town when she was found dead.
They said she was found in a dumpster at the back of the local pizzeria. The cause of death was nasty. A large gaping hole in her chest. But that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was that her heart was missing. This means that whoever did this had ripped her heart out with their bare hands in some brutal fashion.
The police questioned us, asked if Nancy had any enemies, and asked if there was anyone who wanted to hurt Nancy, but we couldn't think of anyone who would like to harm her. It wasn't like she did anything to warrant hatred from anybody. They continued to investigate, even with the few suspects they had, and the few amount of evidence they had.
Meanwhile, the community was in uproar over who would kill an innocent teenage girl like Nancy, and in such a brutal manner. While a memorial at Nancy's locker was made, and a vigil was held in honor of her. Rumors spread throughout the hallways over who the culprit might have been.
"I still can't believe she's dead," My friend Stanley said as we sat on his front porch. His voice was a little shaky. "It's just, how could something so horrible happen to someone like her?"
"I don't know," I said, staring at the road as cars passed by here and there. Although my face didn't show it, I felt paranoia, slowly growing in my body. It was like a seed that had just been planted into the ground and started to grow.
"They'll probably find the culprit," I told Stanley. "They'll probably find them..". The way I said it made it sound like there was hope, but at the same time, I felt like they would never catch the person responsible for killing Nacy.
Unfortunately, my prediction was proven right, they never caught the culprit. After 2 months, Nancy's case went cold. It wasn't long until the next murder happened though.
This time it was Grant Reese, a smart and slightly chubby guy. Although naive, he meant well, and some students respected him for that. He was found dead in his backyard in the same gruesome manner as Nancy—a large gaping hole in his chest.
School was canceled again, the police investigated again, and they questioned us again. But nothing turned up, again.
Eventually, the media started to dub the killer "The Heart Thief" due to how he "stole" his victims' hearts from right out of their bodies. This however didn't stop the fear and paranoia seeping over the town.
Stanley was more on edge after Grant's murder. He was more paranoid now, and who wouldn't be, there was a deranged killer on the loose, tormenting our town. And the police haven't caught them yet. But still, it was disheartening watching Stanley slowly start to become a shell of what he used to be.
Whenever I saw him, I noticed that the dark circles around his eyes seemed to grow larger, he began even to be afraid of his own shadow. Every time I talked to him, he'd always spout out a fake smile, but his eyes told a different story, they showed terror, terror of being killed by a lunatic. I still tried to make him feel safe, I still wanted to make him feel like everything was okay, even though at the back of my mind, I knew it wasn't. I was just as scared as Stanley, but I couldn't tell him about my invulnerability.
A month after Grant's murder, the Mullins twins were found dead at the local park, their hearts both missing. Even worse, only 2 weeks later, two teenage lovers, Whitney Rowe, & Troy Osborne were found dead in Troy's car, and in the same manner as Nancy, Grant, & the Mullin twins.
If Nancy and Grant's murders caused Stanley to be paranoid, this made that paranoia worse than before. He eventually stopped talking to people, he'd subsequently stop coming outside. My fear was still growing, but Stanley's was more rabid. I wasn't any better. My sleep schedule started to falter, I'd lie awake at night, trying to get rid of the Heart Thief from out of my head, and go to sleep. But I just couldn't. I couldn't get the thought of a psychopath looming over our town, killing innocent teenagers.
Eventually, Stanley stopped texting me. I wasn't too worried, but I was still concerned, but it was just for one day. He just stopped texting for one day. That wasn't much of a big idea. Was it?
Then he didn't text me the next day or the following day.
After the fourth day of not responding, I decided that I would have to check on him in person. That wasn't so bad, go to his house, ask his parents if he's okay, and check up on him. Easy job-
What if he's dead?
I shook the thought out of my head. No, he can't be. He's fine. He's fine.
"He's fine," I mutter as I walk up the steps and touch the door handle. My eyes slowly widen as the door opens. Why is the door unlocked? That doesn't make any sense-
What if the Heart Thief got him?
NO. No. He's fine. He's fine.
I carefully tread through the house, my footsteps being soft due to the shoes I'm wearing.
"Stanley...?" I said, in a hallowed whisper.
I walked forward, my heartbeat started to beat more and more. My heart rate slowly started to shoot out like a bottle rocket. Then I saw something.
Stanley's parents. They were strung up on the floor. Their necks were both snapped, and their eyes hung lifeless. I couldn't focus on the scene for long when I heard a terrible noise from upstairs. The sound of something being ripped.
I went up the stairs, my heart surged as I reached the top, and I went to Stanley's room. My thoughts were frantic as I reached his doorway.
Then my body stopped. My breathing paused as I was taking in the scene before me.
Stanley was on the floor, puking out blood as a hole was punctured through his chest. His crazed, horrified, and tearful eyes turned to mine. But then something impossible happened.
Somehow, Stanley's heart was pulled out from his chest, and it hung in the air like something was holding it. Some invisible force was holding onto Stanley's heart. Then it held it up high and then dropped it. It vanished like it fell into a mouth, and was consumed in one big gulp. I couldn't comprehend what I was witnessing. I couldn't understand how any of this happened. I just stared at what was left of my friend as the life escaped his eyes. He croaked out one final word before dying though.
"Alec....."
I just stood paralyzed, unable to do anything, my mouth hung dry as I tried to get a word out.
Then I felt a presence right next to me. It made me sweat even more than I already was at the sight of my dead best friend. My breathing grew more rabid as I felt like someone loomed over me. But no one was there. Nothing was there. But it felt like someone was. It felt like something was. Something horrible.
Then I heard a "Shhh" noise being whispered into my ear.
Suddenly, I didn't feel that terrifying presence. It left Stanley's room. It was gone, but Stanley's body wasn't.
My stomach felt sick as I exited Stanley's house, dialing 911. I only managed to mutter about finding my friend dead in his home, before I collapsed from shock on the front porch.
I eventually woke up in the hospital. My parents were tearfully thankful that I was okay and safe. Two detectives visited me too. They asked me questions about Stanley, and I answered them wearily. But even then, I couldn't tell them what I saw. I couldn't tell my parents about what happened in Stanley's home.
They did find Stanley and his parents' bodies though. Some people wondered why the Heart Thief went out of his way to kill two adults, some were still angry that the psychopath had claimed another victim. But regardless of that. I still couldn't recover from the events that unfolded in Stanley's house.
I attended his funeral, and I gave a heartfelt speech, bottling up my sadness in an attempt to look stable. But I wasn't.
Some neighbors and classmates look at me with pity on their faces, and some of them look at me funny. I could hear the whispers about me behind my back. Some of them were filled with remorse over how I lost my best friend, some were filled with suspicion over how I could have killed Stanley, or maybe even the other victims. The rumors didn't help either.
I've had to take therapy three times a week now, I feel like it's helping, but at the same time, I feel like it isn't. Nothing will ever help me recover from what I saw that afternoon.
Ever since Stanley's death, I've started to slowly become a shell of what I used to be. I began to become more aware of my surroundings, and I started to become more jumpy. My sleep schedule started to become worse too. I've had many nights where I'd lie awake at night. My mind constantly replays what happened at Stanley's house over and over.
"This is probably how Stanley felt before he died," I say, as my eyes stare at the ceiling.
The paranoia that was once set inside me has evolved into something bigger, something worse.
But that's not just it, I know who the Heart Thief is now, I know how he manages to kill his victims without ever getting caught.
I don't know why he still hasn't come for me yet. I was a direct witness to one of his murders after all. So why hasn't he come after me yet? Why hasn't he killed me? Was this all just part of his plan? To watch me break into a panicked state? To watch me devolve into a cowardous human being?
Because if this is his plan, it's working.

Hello! Honestly I’ve always wanted to do both md and phd eventually, but I struggled throughout undergrad and I think it might hinder my ability to get into a good dual program.
My gpa is 3.78 and sgpa 3.71, downward trend as grades peaked in my second year and dropped in the third. I tried to graduate in 3 years but had to withdraw from one class in the last semester spring 2023 due to health issues. I was supposed to take it online fall 2023 to graduate but then my mom’s cancer progressed and she passed away. So I’m just now finishing the class over a year from initially withdrawing, and it will have incomplete notation due to having to get an extension after my mom passed. No mcat yet.
My interest is oncology, specifically the one understudied cancer subtype that my mom passed from, as well as a specific type of immunotherapy. To date these two fields have never been combined in the way I really hope to be able to do in my future career.
My ECs will include 3000+ hours research (working toward 1st author publication but unlikely by application time, will probably have first author review), on an independently conceptualized project in translational cancer immunotherapy. Also have 200 hours shadowing and 50 hours hospital volunteering.
Basically my PI has offered to let me stay in my current lab for a PhD. I’ve been in this lab for two years and it is amazing, in my home city, at my top choice T20 school, and I would have a chance to combine my two niche research interests for which other labs/opportunities are very scarce. I’m leaning toward doing this and then maybe looking into accelerated 3 year Md programs later on since I’m fairly set on intended specialty. The average gpa for the combined program at this school and for most others with a potential research fit is above 3.9. I just don’t think there’s a chance I could get in.
Is there a reason to not do this? I know the main one is losing free tuition but what else? Thank you!

Husband of 20 years is probably cheating on me. So here it goes, sll of my dirty secrets.
I, 45f been married to my husband 46, male for over 20 years to a man I met in my early 20’s. We have been very best friends since the day we met but it has been a rocky relationship. I am from an abusive alcoholic family and I was for a time blissfully an alcoholic along with the family. This of coarse was problematic when looking for a date. More than one boyfriend broke up with me because I drank too much, partied too hard and studied too little. Cue in my dream man, he’s responsible, well educated and a heavy drinker. We partied all night and he got up the next day, no matter how hungover and went to work. My mom said that this is normal, it’s how it’s supposed to be. If a man makes it to work everyday then he’s not an alcoholic. By her definition, only a man who misses work can be accused of drinking too much.
I married this replica of my father and for many blissful years we were married and we partied and drank. We’d drink a bottle or two of wine a few nights a week and on weekends we’d stay up all night, often having parties at our home. It was grand fun, until we had kids. All of the sudden I had to handle night feedings and morning diaper changes while tipsy, drunk or hungover. It didn’t take me long to quit, I had already quit for 9 months while pregnant and I had gotten the idea that life is better sober. But my partner didn’t agree. He was drunk most nights while I was pregnant. When I got annoyed and asked him to quit he hid the bottles. I had a second child with him in spite of the drinking (I wanted a matching set), not my best decision but I don’t regret it. When I was at the hospital he looked exhausted so I sent him home to rest. He went home and drank himself into a stupor. My mom had to drive me home from the hospital and when we got home, he was passed out on the living room floor. He slept for another 10 hours like that and he was drunk the entire first week of my daughter’s life. I had to ask my mom to help care for her since I’d had complications with the birth and had over 30 stitches.
His drinking went on for years with me going from kicking him out of the home to drinking with him. Often I would plead with him to quit and he’d refuse. On 4 occasions we separated, each time selling our home and dividing the property. But he’d get sober and he was always very sorry. At this point we had two kids and I needed the help.
Over time things got better and he went years and years without drinking. I had quit altogether after our first child. In fact things go so much better that he asked to start drinking again. He rationalized that he had been sober for 5 years and that he can handle one of two drinks a week. I agreed under the following terms, he can have up to two drinks with dinner once a week. I know this is a terrible decision, I think it’s fair to say that there is a pattern here of gawd awful decisions on my part. This 2 drink agreement lasted a few months but of course two drinks turned into 3, then it turned into a couple nights a week. I saw it was getting out of hand and I banned drinking again.
In the meantime my partner has gotten substantially better looking. It’s through a combination of favourable genetics, some recent work done and some excellent supplements. He aged well going from a 6.5 in his 20’s to a current day 8.5. More than that he’d recently opened a business and it was booming. For the first time in our married life he started to out earn me. For the first 20 years I was the primary wage earner, but now he’s making the more than me (this is temporary as my wage is about to pick up). The woman are noticing him and It’s not lost on me or him. We went to Mexico last year and women were practically following him around and throwing themselves at him. We go out to eat and woman hit on him. They hit on him at the grocery store and they hit on him at work. To his credit he does not respond to this in front of me or the kids. Nor have I ever heard of him hitting on somebody.
I’m a solid 7 - 7.5. I’ve aged okay, I look decent, I’m maybe a little heavier as size 10. But I’m not a hot young thing giggling at him. I am a wife and a mother, so not always sexy, but still quite a lot prettier than average. But realistically on the open market, I’m probably not attracting an 8.5 that earns his kind of money.
About 8 months ago he started coming home from work drunk. He was hiding it but I could smell the booze on his breath. He claimed it was heartburn but I knew better and I ignored it. I just wanted everything to be okay. There was a woman he was working with, he claimed to hate her, she seemed overly interested in him. There were a few incidents, that made me suspicious but he claimed he hated her. He was never home late from work. She moved away and he seemed fine and I was relieved. But a few months after this the drinking started, along with my denial. I guess I kinda figured that who cares if he cheated, she moved away. Now we can get on with our lives.
Recently he’s coming home from work late, but not too late. It’s an hour late here and there. Sometimes he’d claim that he’d have to stay an extra hour. A few times he went completely missing and claimed to have fallen asleep at the office. The problem is that I don’t really know his hours, it’s possible he’s done earlier. For context, he is self employed and rents a space. But other people rent spaces there too,
He’s been coming home drunker and drunker lately while still denying he’s been drinking. I’m ashamed to admit it but I ignored it to the point where I let him drive the kids a few times like that. I was just so far into denial, but I knew somewhere deep down that he was drunk.
He’s normally off work at 5pm and in the car by 5:10pm. But lately he’s not in the car until 5:45pm, ignoring my calls and sometimes coming into the house as late as 6pm. I mean it’s only 45 minutes right? A few times he’d go missing until 7:30 or 8pm and he’d say that he hate a late client appointment and had told me but I forgot. Strangely he’s never hungry when he gets home, in spite of being at work all day. In fact he’s not hungry 2 - 3 times a week. He told me that his stomach is bothering him.
Last night he went missing so I went to his office to look for him. I found him asleep in his office alone with an empty bottle of hard alcohol on his desk. I checked his office drawer and it was full of empty bottles. The office is a disaster, messy and all that. I’m not sure how he sees clients in a room like that and I’m worried that he’s taking appointments drunk. His business is doing really well and building it up was a joint effort. I’m worried that his drinking will destroy everything we built.
I woke him up and he was visibly drunk. He told me that he wants to stay at the office to sleep it off and that no he doesn’t want to talk about it and he didn’t come home. It’s been 6 hours. The thing is, that he hates sleeping in his work clothes and his office is desperately uncomfortable. I just don’t see him staying there overnight alone.
When the drinking flared up 6 months ago, it was just him drinking alone. But when he was sober he was still my best friend. But over time he’s stopped responding when I speak. He tells me that he drinks because he can’t stand to listen to my problems anymore. If I ask him about his day I get a one word answer. More and more he looks at me with contempt while drinking. But even stranger, he wants sex more often, I don’t know why this is. But he’s weird about it and hounding me. He’s going on and on about how to wants to try a sex position we’ve never done, talking about how much he likes it. He’s also looking over my shoulder and checking my phone, which is new. it’s intrusive as I don’t even know his passcode and feel no temptation to check his phone.
He gets paid in cash and has a drawer full of it at the office so I can’t check his cards.
Now I know what you are going to say. He’s definitely cheating, I mean he probably is. But we live in a no fault place so what does it matter if I get proof or not? Also I have two kids to think of and we aren’t in a financial position to leave. I will need time to pay down our joint debt and I need a new job. I’m thinking that the best course of action is to stay silent and improve my situation so that I can support my kids and myself. I think this works for him too as he doesn’t want to get stuck with all sorts of child support or alimony. Giving me time to get back on my feet and improve my financial position works for both of us.
The thing is that if I even bring up getting divorced or separated he says that I am the light of his life. He says that he loves me and that I’m his best friend. He says that he doesn’t want to leave. Then I feel so badly. If I even broach the topic of separating, he’ll shut it down so quickly. He’s overwhelming and persistent and he out talks me. I think there’s no use in talking it out and I don’t see us living together well under some sort of “arrangement”.
Do you have any advice on what to do next? Do you have any idea why he’s acting this way? If he wants to separate why not just do it? Also what’s with the increased sex drive?
One of the oddities is that I’ve been doing really great lately. I’ve lost some weight, my hair is looking good. My business sucks but I’ve been taking on new gigs and retraining. I’m becoming a person that I’m really proud of and every day seems to be getting better. But the better I do, the more contempt he seems to have for me. I can see the bitterness in his drunkenness. And he gets drunks on nights when I have to work and when I have something important going on. He blames the drinking on me. He says that I only talk about myself (maybe I do, I’m trying to improve). He says that I ask too much of him and that I make him contribute to the house too much but I do 100% of the grocery shopping, cooking, lunches, school stuff, homework and kids activities. He comes home and goes straight to bed while complaining that he’s doing too much. Meanwhile I’m breaking myself trying to make the home perfect enough.
Is there any chance that he’s just old and tired and not cheating? I mean he’s only missing for 45 minutes a day? I should mention that he’s stopped answering my calls during the workday and stopped reading my texts.
The weird thing is that I felt relieved to find him surrounded by booze bottles and I’m glad he’s done tonight. I’ve spent the majority of my adult life begging him to be sober. Tonight I could see the contempt in his eyes towards me. I just don’t know that I can move past it. I think I just want to be free from this now.
Do you have any advice? I’ve never been through anything like this and I could use some support and guidance.
I think that taking 4 - 6 months to resolve the situation might be best. This gives me time to find a new job and to pay down some debt and bolster savings.

We have a lot of theories swirling around but I thought pulling together some clues might help us narrow them down.
The Healthy News/PR: They are releasing constant articles about Kate working and being out and about. Could this be to geo-locate her in the UK when she may not be there? How did they get the shop to comply with being mentioned?They would have had to give a reason since Kate clearly wasn’t there. Did someone pay them off to agree? Surely that would be a breaking story too. Did they tell someone about her out of country care and get them to agree to be mentioned for a more realistic story? Other sightings have just mentioned Kate was watching her kids play sports or Will and Carole walked through a pub, but no specific locations mentioned (that I remember) Another theory as others have speculated is it to paint her as lazy because she can go buy chocolate but can’t ride in a carriage. Was the shop unaware they would be featured and the whole thing a lie? Camilla may have reason to paint William and Kate as lazy and could have planted the article. But why the need to paint her as lazy now when she isn’t even present? This feels like something you would do if both Will and Kate were well but you wanted to attack them.
The Press Silence: Some have speculated that they are staying away from leaking anything to preserve their close relationship with the royals. But it seems unlikely that not one agency would break away because money is made from scoops. As someone pointed out, some have recently changed their reporting from attacking Kate for laziness to supporting her recovery. People behave like this when they have more details but are behaving protectively. What could motivate the entirety of the UK press to act protectively? No speculation, no effort to get the scoop. It doesn’t feel likely they would protect possible DV from William. Too juicy. Would they protect a suicide attempt? Would they protect the secret of outside the country care in the hope she actually recovers? What’s causing this universal circling of the wagons by the press?
A missing photo: There are holes in almost every theory, but a lot of them fall back on why she can’t be photographed. Frail from surgery/treatment? Why not a photo from a distance? Colostomy bag? Just throw on a baggy sweater. Divorce? I feel like her family would release a real photo to dispel some rumors. Maybe even one in a revenge dress. Care in another country? An outdoor photo with her mom in a nondescript place could work. Mental hospital? No reason a photo couldn’t be taken outdoors as well. What else could preclude a photo being taken? Possible a suicide attempt could involve something disfiguring requiring extensive plastic surgery? Stroke during surgery and induced coma that caused muscles in her face to sag? Or as many of you have suggested, vegetative state or death. But the holes in this one is why someone at either palace would be releasing stories that her health is improving to give the impression she would return soon.
Warring royals: Some have pointed out the lack of interaction between Will and Charles since January. There’s also the number of articles that suggest Charles is supporting Kate and that they are close. The war between Will and Charles/Camilla could just be over Harry. But if it is Kate, what’s the cause? This one favors the divorce argument, or DV, or a cover up that one of them doesn’t approve of. But it would have to be something that makes them both angry enough to completely avoid one another.
Her family: They aren’t acting like she’s gravely ill (brothesister). Her parents are missing but could be explained by care in another country. Their silence could also be explained by not wanting to reveal a suicide attempt since they want her to be the perfect future queen. This could also be applied to the mental hospital theory. The DV theory doesn’t fit with this because people have said they would have spoken out. Same with divorce or vegetative state or death. Also, this seems like an awfully long time for divorce negotiations (just my opinion).
Concha Calleja: she has indicated Kate is still very unwell and will require another surgery. How much credence do you think this has? How does this fit with the other clues?
👣👣👣🕵🏻‍♀️
What do you guys think?

I am a female in my late 30s. I went to college in my 20s and could not finish because I had to choose between caring financially for my mother, or going to college, even though it was a public school overseas (and believe me, not everyone passed the test to get into that school, so I pride myself) ... but here I am, working in health care, and fed up with the clinical side of things.
If I could afford it, I would become a lawyer. I am fascinated by criminal law and I am 1000% people oriented, but this is a degree you cannot pursue online, and the tuition is criminal in itself! I refuse to get into an absurd amount of debt, just to get an education.
My second option option is tech. I was also fascinated by it when I was a teenager, and after learning about Sophia learning and WGU, I have decided I want to pursue a career in Cyber Security. Plus, I love the Epic Software and would love to get Epic certified. Yesterday I learned the hospital I work for did not certify their IT people in Epic for the longest time because they were afraid their staff would then get better jobs somewhere else. ISN'T THAT SOME POOR THINKING???? My goodness!!! and then of course, last year they actually let go a lot of their staff. Believe me, I will stay with them a little longer to get tuition reimbursement, and to gain experience by getting into their cyber sec. team, but I will eventually be out. Their decisions scream poor leadership!
May I ask why is it that many of you discourage other people from pursuing this career path just because they don't have any IT background? Why would a university offer a program that you won't be successful in? Won't they teach you what you are supposed to know? Right now I am trying to finish a project management certificate on Coursera (it has taken me a friggin' year to do it because of depression issues), and I enrolled in 100 Devs to learn how to code. I was trying to do both at the same time, and I had to pause. I promised myself I will finish the project management program this weekend.
Anyway, after I am done, my intention is to continue learning how to code. I am fascinated by that.
Then, I will enroll at GWV in cyber sec. to start next year.
Again, why do some of you discourage people with no background to start this career path just because they have no experience?
Thank you!

Hi again everyone it's me, if you remember. I got a couple people in my dms asking how I'm doing and I'm allowed to write another update so... well. Here I am. Almost exactly 6 weeks since the worst 48 hours of my life.
I guess I'll just get into it since I'm using this as a diary at this point but I did also start journaling but journaling feels kind of lonely sometimes. And a lot has happened that I would appreciate everyone's thoughts on because you have all been really helpful. Thank you so much.
TL;DR: I'm back at work and getting on my feet and going to group art therapy. I met one of my boyfriend's old friends who's taking care of him and putting him through rehab. My old friends are coming back around and I'm trying to figure out how to be accountable and better for them. I'm ok, I'm safe, I'm almost happy.
I went back to work on May 1st because I promosed myself I would. I work at a smoothie shop, and we are a small team of 4 who usually work in pairs with my boss (the owner) there during rush hours and the baker who works before any of us come in.
When I came to open the shop that morning, the baker talked with me and asked how I was doing. I don't want people to know a lot but she has always been nice to me so I vented a little to her. I wasn't expecting how good it felt to talk to someone about everything that happened even not super detailed. Especially when she gave me such a big hug which made me cry tbh and told me to be strong and she was so happy I came back and didn't hide. 🥺
After talking to her and the coworker I usually work with, I felt better about therapy and stuff because talking does help. So when I got the call from that group therapy thing I wasn't as scared and didn't chicken out like I thought I would. I went and met people in my group, and it was a good experience. I am still going today.
A few days after the 1st I got a call from an unknown number. I don't normally answer those but with the situation and numbers I've been calling lately I didn't want to miss something important so I answered. A man introduced himself to me (I will call him "Tom") and told me he was a friend of my boyfriend "Luke".
I had never heard of this person before and I was just completely shocked and kind of just said "oh" and he started talking. He said he paid the rent for May for the suite and said he gave notice of ending the rental agreement, and asked if I wanted anything of mine from the place and if so he told me I had until the 11th before he dumped/sold stuff and start cleaning.
I came back to myself after that and was just like "hang on who are you and did you find Luke or what???" Because as far as I knew Luke was still missing and also I didn't know who he was.
So basically, a little background on Luke's life: He's originally from very very rural Quebec. He was taken into custody by the ministry when he was 8 after his mom passed away via sui and tried to take him with her because of his dad's extreme physical and sexual abuse towards both Luke and his mom. There were no foster resources in his town so he was taken to a bigger city and put with a family there.
He got into a lot of trouble with the ministry and police and kept having to get moved around due to threatening behavior towards his foster family (parents and siblings). Eventually he got into drinking and drugs and very badly beat up his younger foster brother and foster mother when he was 11 or 12. He got diagnosed with a conduct disorder and got put into juvie prison.
There was a project starting at that time in BC that was rehabilitation for juvie kids in MCFD custody. Basically they set up group homes that were staffed by social workers and counselors, like a foster home but run by a non-profit group not one family. This is actually something similar to where I grew up, but mine was for kids who "failed to thrive" in single-family care while Luke's was for kids who were criminals or addicts.
Because of his childhood situation and how they got him into custody, the MCFD wanted to see Luke go through one of those programs and hopefully be better. So they told him either the group home or juvie and he picked the group home, and a social worker from BC came to get him and flew him to the city. But in this new city even though he got to go back to public school and do stuff like gymnastics which he missed, he didn't know english as much and didn't have friends. So he started acting out again and got arrested more times.
Back to now. Tom told me that when he was in grade 10 and Luke was in grade 8, Tom joined a leadership club at his high school. Because of Luke's history he was forced into leadership club's "big brother" program with threat of being expelled if he didn't. Tom got assigned Luke in his "big brother" project, and they became friends, and then they became family all through high school and through Tom's first 3 years at uni. When he was telling me this I was blown away because Luke literally never even mentioned him so I finally just asked "well then why don't I know you? what happened?"
Tom said "Well, you know Luke." And I guess I do. Soooo yeah.
Luke showed up at Tom's childhood home a week after the stuff with Peanut, and Tom's parents called 911 because he was erratic and very high. The ambulance came and took him, and Tom went to the hospital to see him after his parents told him what happened.
At this point I had to go catch the bus but I told him we could text and meet and I wanted to help him clean the place too because I felt responsibility. He insisted it would be fine but I insisted I wanted to help so I texted him my schedule and we arranged a time to meet.
When I told my boss about all of this she and especially her husband asked if I could take a friend or if one of them could go. I told them I would ask my coworker since we have the same days off so I wouldn't trouble his busy schedule and definitely my boss should NOT go because she is getting so pregnant it's crazy and she needed to rest and still does need rest.
So my coworker I will call Nerd bc inside joke (who is male and big so that is helpful) agreed and we bussed to Luke's place. There was a car in front I didn't know so I assumed it was Tom's and sure enough he was there when I went in and was dealing with the fridge.
We shook hands and I introduced Nerd who kind of puffed up and made a stupid joke about beating Tom's ass over funny business but tbh the second I met Tom I got pretty OK vibes. But I guess well maybe I shouldn't trust it but really he was ok.
We went separately through the place and I spent most of my time in my "room" which was just a corner of the living room with a curtain tbh but my stuff was there so I packed it into garbage bags I brought. Kinda got flashbacks of packing as a kid which felt... weird tbh. 🙃
It also didn't help that Tom was kind of weird. Like not in a bad way but he would curse and mutter to himself when he found something gross or messed up like bad food, Luke's collection of drug stuff, that kind of thing. But then he would also tell me and Nerd what to do and where to put trash vs other stuff, but ALSO like... acted like he didn't want to touch anything himself? Like super cautious.
He also asked me stuff about my life here and how things were and what me and Luke did together, and I answered what I was comfortable with but he still kept apologizing and telling me he didn't want to know my personal stuff. Like it wasn't bad weird like I said but I think he was rly uncomfortable. He did pull me aside in the bathroom and asked if Luke ever hurt me and I was able to answer honestly and say no, he never even treated me that bad. But when I said that he kind of scoffed and muttered "that bad" like sarcastically and seemed mad so seriously it was. Weird. But idk if I were Tom I'd probably be pretty messed up about all of this so.
I insisted to help clean and Tom went to take the trash out. Nerd said he had to go soon bc he had an exam he had to study for and I said he could go and promised I'd be ok because I didn't get a bad vibe from Tom and Nerd admitted Tom seemed ok too. So he left but told me to call if I needed him bc he wouldn't be SUPER busy.
After saying goodbye I kind of asked Tom after a while what was going on with Luke. I just needed to know I guess? I don't know, I felt a lot of emotion being back there. Like I felt the love for him again and wished he was ok but Tom didn't tell me anything yet about where he was or how he was just that he was alive and reported found to police.
So... Luke's in rehab on the island. Tom talked to him in the hospital after he detoxed and said he explained the situation that happened. Apparently Luke broke down sobbing when he told him how he killed Peanut, and said the words: "I killed Peanut. I killed Peatie." Tom started crying while telling me this and tbh I cried too. I thanked Tom for being there bc Tom said he held him and comforted him and after all the hugs I got after Peanut and how that helped I'm just glad Luke got that too.
But yeah, so Tom told Luke it was time to get it together and Luke agreed. Tom seems hopeful it'll stick "this time," which he explained their original falling out was bc Luke lied to Tom about being sober after Tom put him through rehab once before. I really hope it will too and I am glad he has Tom to help him and pay for rehab bc it's not cheap especially those private places on the island but apparently the first time it failed it was in one of those cheap places in the DTES and Tom told me since he's been running programs there he's seen firsthand how those places are run and says the private is worth the money. Which I think is sad bc so many people are poor and need help too but it's complicated ig.
Tom offered me a ride home and I accepted. He told me before we got into the car that it would be ok if I wanted to text a picture of his license plate and car and ID to a safe person and I didn't even consider that so I felt kind of stupid but I did do that stuff and texted my boss and told her we were leaving. But tbh I wasn't worried. Tom seemed so nice and he gave me so much closure on what happened with Luke and knowing he's in good hands with someone that seems really sweet and put together makes me feel better about all the choices I made and also makes me feel like Peanut's loss has more meaning.
When I got home Tom introduced himself to my boss briefly and then we went in. She asked how everything went and I told her everything I wrote out here except I started crying hard and she cuddled me and told me to take it slow. But unlike other times I've cried since Peanut passed, that cry felt different. Like I was weak and emptied out, but not emptied out of all the good things, more like emptied out of the heavy things to make room for even more. And I haven't cried since. Not over Luke, and not over Peanut.
So I'm doing ok. Me and Tom met up twice more to clean the suite and I joined him for the inspection yesterday with the landlord. It felt good to leave that on a good note too, because the landlord let me move in back in fall which he didn't have to do especially with Peanut, and always treated us well. He told me that even though I wasn't an official tenant I could use him as a reference.
After the inspection yesterday Tom took me, my boss, boss' husband, and their daughter for dinner at a REALLY nice place which we all said was unnecessary but he insisted. He said really nice things to me about how he's grateful I tried so hard to take care of Luke and knows personally how difficult it is to love him. He promised me that nothing was my fault and that I can let it go now because he's going to take care of him and I should focus on moving forward into adulthood without any burdens. Idk maybe you had to be there but the way he said it was like... maybe I'm reading too much into it but it was like he was really specifically saying this stuff for Luke's sake or bc Luke hurt me and he felt like he had to make up to me? But it was nice either way.
Oh and I reconnected with a few of my old friends from high school!! The ones who I had a bad falling out with over Luke and my bad choices. My one friend Taylor reached out to me after I made my story on May 22nd a selfie of me reading that 'why does he do that' book and saying "1 month single 🙏" I guess a mutual mentioned it to Taylor and she added my number on sc again.
It's only kinda been small talk and stuff so far, but I've been trying to be really nice and I'm waiting for it to come up to take accountability for my bad treatment of the friend group but I'm thinking maybe I should say something first bc no one is bringing it up? Idk, if anyonr has advice I would appreciate it a lot bc I really want to be so much better than I am and I was and everything. For Peanut, but also for me.
This is the last update I'll post bc honestly it feels like things are mostly sorted out and I can't help but feel like I'm wasting people's time. 💀 But thanks again everyone and for those who wanted an update I hope you enjoy this freaking novel...

Hello everyone. My name is Matthew, I'm 22 and I have no idea what the f is happening to me. I'll be brief. Since this February I've been dealing with (what i think at least) Neuropathy-like symptoms. Such as tingling, shooting pain,very mild numbness but a very annoying and frightful (to me at least) burning sensation. Now I want to point the attention to the burning sensation. It's literally everywhere in my body but it's very sporadic. It's sometimes in my eyes,on my fingers,on my toes around my lips on my back but mostly in my arms, very rarely in my legs. It was also in my tongue and even...yes down there in my privates,At the beginning it was 8-9/10 and it was driving me crazy, because I was freaking burning alive but there was nothing on my skin. Of course I immediately went to the doctor and he gave me blood tests and stuff to do. Blood test perfectly normal; No sing of inflammations, no sings of any possible tumor. All normal. So I booked a neurologist. Crazy enough he found nothing remotely similar to a never damage especially because i was able to do everything he asked me (at the visit) with my eyes closed. He told that he found no need for TCs, MRI scans or EMG, whatsoever, because ,as I told him, my burning sensation isn't localized and comes and goes sporadically. He therefore told me me I'm dealing with a psychosomatization of anxiety and sent me to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist gave me Xanx and Sertraline. I've been taking them but i had to stop because Sertraline sent me to the hospital because i literally was vomiting my soul out. Had to stop immediately. As for Xanx i gradually stooped but the does wasn't high at all. Literally 10 drops: 5 in the day 5 before sleeping. The burning sensation unfortunately didn't cease but i have to say that now it's a lot more manageable and milder. Heck,it was literally a 8-9/10 and now it's a 4-5/10, but it's still here. Huge Mistake, searching on Google, that's why I'm here. I am terrified. Needless to say i booked another neurologist in short hopefully this time i get a clearer answer. Although i did hear anxiety can cause literally any sort of symptom, I find it very wierd that such a symptom like mine (random and not localized burning sensation) can be related to anxiety. Yet,what my base doctor told me was "If you truly were to have a neuropathy the symptoms would get worse and worse and not even Xanax or Sertraline helped you" Now, Maybe he's right but I'm still here..."burning". My biggest fear is to suddenly collapse and find myself in a hospital bed with the diagnosis of an underlying tumor,MS or something even more serious and be paralyzed head to toe or lose a foot or whatever of deadly i can think about. Yes, I'm highly hypochondriac, but i can't help it. I'm too scared. Then again,so far nothing too concerning happened to me and the burning sensation got even more bearable,as i said. I'm still able to walk,jog,run,swim, drive, haven't lost my strength and can do everything I normally could do throughout these four months. And yet I still..."burn". I'm seriously scared. I have to see my psychiatrist as well this week, and given I'm off the meds he's probably gonna tell me i need CBT. As for the neurologist, that's gonna take some more time because i live in Italy and Healthcare in Italy isn't the absolute best. But that's not the point. Guys, what do you think i should do, besides what I'm already doing? Do you think i have a sort of misdiagnosed incurable Neuropathy that is slowly killing me or do you think I'm overreacting? I'm noticing asking for a diagnosis or anything else like that. I just want to know whether I should be seriously afraid or not.

Buckle yourselves in, potatoes. This is a LONG one, but I am SPILLING the tea.
I (17,f) have had a rocky relationship at best with my brother, ever since we were young. This has evolved into a lot of fights and disagreements, which I am aware that most siblings have, but this argument was the final straw. This argument started off with me coming into his room to see why the younger two have been yelling, and saw one crying because the youngest (3,f) one had gotten herself stuck on the top bunk. My brother (who we will call G-) was gaming and completely ignoring the situation. I fussed at him for ignoring them, looked up, and saw the mountain of laundry and blankets he had been told to do previously by our mother. I asked him why he hadn't done it, only for him to outright ignore me, focusing on his game. I asked him again, no response. I looked at the plug,and looked at him, and moved my hand onto the cord. "G, I will pull the plug if you don't respond." That got his attention. He looked up with a dead-eyed glare, and asked me what I wanted in a similar tone of voice, before turning his attention back to the console. (This is not new behavior, he has acted this way since we were 10 and 11.) I was tired of it. I told him to turn it off, and to pay attention when he was being spoken to. With our younger brother in the room, he also told G to stop and to listen. G rolled his eyes, and reluctantly turned off the match. I looked at him, arms crossed and leaning on the console, asked him why it was so hard to do what he was supposed to. After several minutes of silence, I waited for an answer, then I asked him again. He rolled his eyes, and told me I was making a big deal out of nothing like I did every time I confronted him. I was not mad, I was just fed up, at the end of my rope. I told him that it was a big deal to me, for him to be ignoring the kids and ignoring the ONLY job he had to do. *For a bit more context, G likes to ignore his jobs, then the jobs get pushed onto me and the middle child, A(m,13). G is fifteen. He has gotten us in trouble for not doing his jobs, like the laundry, dishes, sweeping, ECT. He was supposed to do the job before gaming to begin with. I got angry with how he was acting towards me, and told him I wouldn't be making a "big deal" out of everything if he actually did what he was supposed to and pulled his own weight. He retorted with "I didn't ask you to keep me in line," with that same dead glare. I snapped back with "well nobody asked you to be so incompetent that you can't do anything without having our parents tell me to come up behind you and make sure you get your jobs done!" Things escalated, then things shifted to the kids... I don't remember how, but the two youngest (m,6 and f,3) were brought up. I asked him if he wanted the same relationship with them like he had with me.
He went silent.
My flabbers were ghasted, waiting in the silence for a physical answer, but the silence was telling enough.
"Do you even want a relationship with them?"
Silence.
Something in me snapped, and everything shut down. I looked at him dead in the eyes, and said "I do not care about our relationship. It is non-existent. We are strangers under one roof... But the kids need their oldest brother. You better fix everything with them and build a proper one with them." He asked me if "I was done and when I would leave," and told me he was "waiting for me to leave so ge could game." Ha. Yeah, I was done.
The next morning, I sat him down and asked him if he thought about what he said... This boy told me the only reason he dislikes me so much is because I kicked him out of my room three years ago. (BS, and he was avoiding the question. I just think he doesn't like me because I am the only one who will put him in his place constantly. I keep him in his jobs and chores, and he told me to my face that he didn't care about me, so there's that, too.) He glared at me, then the floor, and said "I guess I'll be a big brother to the kids." In a dead voice. It sounded like SUCH an inconvenience to him, and I won't force him, but to hell with letting a six year old and three year old deal with that BS, especially if he still bullies the youngest boy.
He is known for bullying the youngest boy, and in turn, I am very protective of both kids. The youngest boy (6) has made it clear he didn't want to be around him, and I cannot blame him. If I have to, I will keep the kids from bonding with him, but I am trying to give him a chance, even if we are done with each other. Mom wants me to let G "mature", but should I even bother with it? I made my mind, I don't want anything to do with him, but would I be the asshole for keeping the kids away from him?
Edit: Okay, for context, my parents work a lot, and I'm with the kids most of the time. Mom gets stressed and sick easily, she works two jobs, and does her best. Dad works a lot as well, and he's trying to manage us and Mom. Mom is currently in the hospital, which is why I haven't brought anything up about this conundrum to her, and Dad has been stressed with work and Mom being sick. I am the oldest, so babysitting and watching the kids is my job. They know I take on a lot, and we've been trying to make it work.

Edward Snowden has been blasted at us by the Media, News, TV, Movies, and probably over 100 interviews. But when was the last time you saw him photographed in Russian media? Well, I can tell you, 2014.
Since the end of the failed Russian Reset, and after invading Ukraine in 2014, Edward Snowden has NEVER been seen inside Russia.
You’ll hear about some stories you are fed to believe. The John Oliver interview is convincing, but you never see him outside. What you also likely didn’t know is HBO and nearly his entire crew (if not all) knew NOTHING about the Edward Snowden interview until John Oliver came back with the recordings. Souce
Tucker Carlson is the newest shill in the Edward Snowden coverup. He swears that he met with Edward Snowden, in a Moscow hotel, in 2024. But Edward Snowden was so shy, he didn’t want his picture taken. And wants privacy… But he has 0 issues doing talk shows every week. CIA probably gave him this so Tuck could crap on the deep state a little bit.
Here’s a quote Edward Snowden wrote before becoming a “whistleblower”.
“Years later, when characterizing his experience as a CIA TISO, Snowden would write that he was ‘specially selected by [CIA’s] Executive Leadership Team for [a] high-visibility assignment’ that ‘required exceptionally wide responsibility.’ Souce

• Edward Snowden was born on June 21, 1983, in Elizabeth City, North Carolina. His family moved to Maryland, near the NSA headquarters at Fort Meade.
• Geneva Assignment: Snowden was posted to Geneva, Switzerland, in 2007 under diplomatic cover as a systems administrator at the U.S. Mission. Here, he gained insight into the inner workings of the CIA and U.S. intelligence operations.
• The Media, including television and film, have had a very heavy influence in the perception about Edward Snowden.
• He would claim he looked for Aliens in his book, but i believe that is just misdirection.
• The Guardian reporter, Glenn Greenwald, was the “Snowden leaker” but didn’t reveal any facts that resulted in any substantial change at the NSA or with American civil rights. Look into his resume, and tell me he doesn’t seem like a CIA asset. Souce Source Source

This started with Obama and the Russian Reset. In 2013, Russian and USA relations were not as strained as they are today. During that time, Russian media frequently posted pictures of Edward Snowden, like this one: . However, since 2014, these sightings have disappeared. It’s been a decade since Edward Snowden was seen outside in Russia.
Have you ever wondered how Edward Snowden is paying for living in Russia? Do you really think Russia would pay for some helpdesk employee to tweet for a decade and not be used by Russian Propaganda? He supposedly have to give back his $4m book advance, but we know that’s theater.
It has come to light recently that the CIA withheld information from Trump. Even Jack Smith presented the court with altered documents than what the defense provided. Here is a recent quote from a tweet from a undercover reporter: Source
Amjad Fseisi, is caught on undercover cameras implicating the highest levels of the intelligence agencies, including “The executive staff. We’re talking about the director and his subordinates,” former CIA Directors “Gina Haspel….And I believe Mike Pompeo did the same thing too,” “kept information from him [Trump] because we knew he’d fucking disclose it.” Amjad reasons “There are certain people that would…give him a high-level overview but never give him any details. You know why? Because he’ll leak those details…He’s a Russian asset. He’s owned by the fucking Russians.”
If the CIA is willing to lie about Edward Snowden, they likely provided Trump with fake intelligence that they know he would leak. I bet you the low detail intel briefs with lots of pictures and graphs was just a psyop against Trump to avoid him leaking material. And the stuff he did leak I bet was manipulated by our own government against a sitting president. But at least the CIA hasn't assassinated any more US presidents recently.
Have you ever seen a “whistleblower” do more talk shows than Edward Snowden? They even made a movie about him in a few years. The media is treating Edward Snowden very differently than any other whistleblower in the intelligence community.
I don’t believe we’ve had a real intelligence whistleblower in a long time. Edward Snowden is just trying to misdirect us. There might be aliens, but i would not take the word of an ex CIA agent about that.\
CIA did not expect Russia to go so off the rails so quickly, so you won’t see him in Russian media ever again until he decides he wants to answer questions in USA, like a real whistleblower would do like that hero in Australia exposing war crimes.
What are the true motives behind his tweets and interviews? Does the CIA want to secretly help make our private data more secure? /s

I’ve never written a question on this app before but this is eating at me. BUCKLE UP THIS IS LONG!
So my husband’s family have been abusive to him, he is the black sheep of his family he is the youngest and has a different father than his older siblings (8,6 years older).
Ever since I started dating him I was antagonized in some way. When I first met his family for Christmas his middle brother invited his ex-girlfriend to hang out, unbeknownst to my then bf which was awkward but she was fine with me. My boyfriend then was really sick and I took the train 2 hours to pick him up from his home (where his family was with their cars) and take him to a hospital in London. He was there for 6 days not one person visited him but me. They made fun of him and minimized his illness.
Then we moved to my home country the US and eloped. They came to visit a few years later his mom and eldest brother were okay. Middle brother again constantly throwing barbs and digs at me completely unprovoked. I get there may be a culture difference they are White English conservatives, I’m African American. Shortly after we married he dated a black girl, who left bc she was also treated poorly. Some examples of digs; I congratulated him on graduating and asked him when he finished he replied “same time you were supposed to” (I dropped out). Then I asked what the he loved most and what was challenging about being a PT and he replied “no offense, working with fat people.” Took them to multiple meals and covered everything which wasn’t cheap, he complained about the food being “reheated” and bitched when he was ID’d.
Things get progressively worse, middle brother has a precious baby. I want to spoil her and become close with the mother of the child (who is not with him due to his creepy behavior). We form a fast friendship and chat all the time about the baby. My brother in-law tortures this girl denies he is the dad but also goes out of his way to bully her (she’s not breast feeding right, she shouldn’t have pacifiers) all from the comfort of his home. He is also constantly complaining about having to pay $50 a week in child support nonstop saying he is going “bankrupt”. My hubby is part of a group chat and my mother-in-law talks ish about my friend and my hubby is telling me. I ask to see and his brother is actively trying to give his soon to be 1 year old daughter eggs and gluten that his ex told him she was allergic to and they are plotting to do this during her birthday and explicitly NOT tell my friend the mom of his baby. The reasoning was “I’m the father, I deserve to be respected, I can make choices to” but he is extremely sneaky. I show my friend/baby’s mom the messages and all hell breaks loose because of course he lies and gets caught. I would have told him off directly but he blocked me because he was mad at how close I was getting to his ex. I am called a “despicable woman” dragged in their chat, made to seem that I’m spying on my husband and accused of being jealous and sabotaging my niece’s birthday party. My husband says nothing in my defense just goes along like he didn’t send me the photos of their chat…
They don’t know I’m pregnant at this time and I chose not to tell any of my in-laws due to how awful they are. I also don’t believe in telling anyone that would wish ill on me and my baby (bad juju), but my bestie the baby mom knows. I give birth his mom has an absolute tantrum says incredibly awful things to my husband, reaches out to my mom to wish her congratulations on her grandchild and says “i guess I will learn to love him.”
Then my friend the mom gets diagnosed with cancer and wants to keep this secret and makes me promise, she kept my secret pregnancy it is the least I could do. She dies a few months later and my brother in law attacks her for not telling him and claims she is a horrible mother. He takes custody of his daughter.
Fast forward the eldest brother meets this hog woman. She is rotund and English, very ignorant and rude. The first interaction I had she thought she knew so much, decides to bash my dead friend’s parenting, call my dead father in law “weird”, tells me my niece eats everything now due to having a “good parent” and called my apt in NYC “embarrassing” bc it had scaffolding on google maps when she looked me up (like a creep). She then antagonizes me in a variety of slick ways including posting the eldest brother with my niece with the caption “uncle B’s favorite!” On my son’s birthday. Most recently I tell his family that we want to actually have a proper wedding and celebrate after 10 years of marriage, i give them 2 years notice. The hog says “ohhh me and the eldest are planning on getting married then.” I ask why she says “nice weather”. She then proceeds to have a fall wedding (orange, red, greens, pumpkins, barley, wheelbarrows etc.” in May. I try to be the bigger person and send a kind welcome and she leaves me on read.
I hate these people, I need to let this go. My husband says that we should just go on continuing our happy life and not “start problems”. But it feels like so much awfulness to have to swallow. I also feel like if/when I do speak up I’m the hysterical angry black woman and this hog is the “innocent”. The whole thing is so so frustrating but I need to let it go even though I want them to hurt emotionally as much as they have hurt us.
Any recommendations, would you want revenge? There is so much more but I have written a novel already. I feel alone like no one has my back or tries to understand my perspective. They are so sneaky and underhanded. I want to protect my family from these sick people. At the same time I want justice, justice for my husband, for my dead bestie, for me son and for me.

I am writing an essay on what the purpose of mathematics is in the real world. It’s for a relatively competitive competition but I do really want to give it a good shot. I’m trying to use differentiation as an example of how useful maths can be but I’m unable to describe it concisely without going off on a whole tangent (pun unintended). I’m trying to limit myself to about 300 words (essay is 2000 words) but it’s not really working, because I’m trying to explain what a function is, how/why a function can be plotted on a co-ordinate grid, gradient, etc etc. I feel like if I talk about differentiation itself for too long I’m not really answering the question, and I want to spend more time explaining how it’s applied.
This is unrelated but for one of my examples I was going to talk about COVID case graphs in 2020 and how differentiation can be applied to analyse the spread of the disease (both by analysing the first and second derivative), but that’s when I realised that a graph like that isn’t a function, it’s just a graph. So you need graph smoothing but also you need to figure out a way to fit a curve on it and know the curve’s equation. Is that even possible?
Edit: What I've written so far. 281 words. I feel like I could maybe polish it off here but I don't know how. And maybe it's just too verbose.
"A straight line has a continuous gradient. This means that the change in height of the line stays the same for a given horizontal distance along it. Think of a ramp – any time you travel 1 metre horizontally along the ramp, you travel a fixed distance upwards each time.
Unlike a straight line, the gradient of a curve fluctuates. The change in height along a curve does not stay the same for a given distance across it. For example, travelling 1 metre horizontally across one part of a rollercoaster may take you upwards, but travelling 1 metre horizontally across another part may take you downwards. The steepness of the rollercoaster changes at each exact point.
A function is a mathematical equation whereby each valid input (commonly denoted as x) produces a specific output (commonly denoted as y or f(x) ). For example, the function f(x) = 3x + 4 takes each input number, triples it, and adds 4. If the input, x, is 3, the output will be 13. Therefore functions can be plotted on a Cartesian plane (a standard co-ordinate grid), with the input values on the horizontal and the output values on the vertical axis, so that the co-ordinates of each point on the graph are in the form (input, output).
While a function such as f(x) = 3x + 4 may produce a straight-line, ‘ramp-shaped’ graph, more complex functions such as x3 may produce more complex, ‘rollercoaster-shaped’ graphs, with gradients that vary continuously along them.
The process of differentiating such complex functions means to find a second function that outputs the gradient at any point along the first function’s graph through using the equation of the first one."

this is my first reddit post ever so sorry if i’m doing this wrong. i only use this app to find people with similar problems, anyway.
i’m a 19 (almost 20) y/o F, i weigh 106 and im 5’1.
i like to start off by saying i have anxiety (mainly health anxiety) and tachycardia (due to anxiety probably) so this could just be a misunderstanding.
but as of now i feel bloated, like a balloon. i feel like i need to burp but i cant. i feel like i cant take a full proper breath. my middle/upper back hurts, (my spine is slightly curved to the right so maybe thats why, but i think thats lower) under my left breast feels uncomfortable and my left arm near my armpit feels odd (basically lots of slight pressure) i have a weird sensation in my left arm and hand, kind of like a numbness but not at the same time. the left side of my face (cheek/jaw and ear area) feels weird and my throat feels like there’s a lot of mucus clogging it. everytime i lay down after awhile i feel like i get out of breath and my heart spikes up. i have a cheap heart watch on but it said it went up to about 113, (i constantly check my heart rate and blood oxygen.) as of now its in the mid 80s, but its going up still. anyway, i’ve been feeling very imbalanced lately, like the floor is moving, not standing on solid d ground. i’ve been feeling dizzy and very fake, like derealization. and it’s super scary considering i feel like i’m not in my head / body most of the time. maybe this is because my iron is mildly low (55) and i’ve been staying up until 7am and waking up at 4pm and haven’t been eating right, constantly have stomach pain. but in my mind all this stress, bad sleeping habits and and eating habits could lead to a heart attack. my episodes usually start at night when i want to go to sleep. it’s scary. i always have a feeling that once i fall asleep i wont wake up which keeps me up at night. i usually fall asleep once my boyfriend wakes up because i like the feeling of being monitored i guess, its comforting to know that someone is there just in case.
but are these signs of a possible cardiac arrest or heart attack or is it just anxiety ? i’m trying to avoid going to the ER since i went 11 times JUST in may and had multiple CT scans and x-rays done and everything seems to be fine (except my $2k hospital bill) my mom always told me growing up that stress can kill you and that information stresses me out more every time i’m stressed and lately i’ve been constantly stressed.

Fresh out of college and board exams at 21, I immediately started earning a living and providing what I can for the family. Call me a breadwinner if you may. A lot has changed in my life, from profession to last name, but providing for my first family has always been a constant for me. I am 30 years old now.
In 2020, my parents decided to end their marriage after I stepped in and gave them an ultimatum on what they wanted to happen with their relationship and our family. I basically got tired from all the scream battles and breaking things in the house, or everyone giving everyone cold treatment, there was no in between. There was a point where my father was nothing but deflective and even physically abusive to me and my siblings (especially the youngest, got beaten up multiple times). Mother was just always emotionally-absent and dismissive. I was 26 then, my younger sister 24, and our youngest brother 21.
In the process of their separation, dad wanted to sell our family home, take half of the money and go back to his parents to a far island province. Mom strongly refused, but I told her that if they really are separating, there's no point in keeping the house, and that I will help her get another house to live in (which I did). She did many ways to convince dad not to sell the house but dad was not budging, so she reluctantly gave in in the end.
In 2022, my dad would frequently message me and my siblings how he was deeply regretful of his decision to leave, he was sick and apparently running out of the money he took from selling our family home. He asked to let him live with us again. At this time my mother was in a new relationship and they were kind of on&off living together, my siblings and I were living our separate adult lives too. We forgave him, but obviously what he asked was impossible because there was nowhere to return to.
In December 2023, on the day of my mother's birthday, my father died. He was a heavy drinker up to his 30s, but more than that he was a chainsmoker, I guess up until he couldn't smoke anymore. Some may say it was only a matter of time for those to catch up to him, especially because he was never health-conscious, never had a good diet and never exercised properly.
I saw it coming the day he left us, but it still devastated me. I remember how much I admired and loved my father, or at least the version of him before he turned to his abusive ways. He was my superman and top comedian as a kid. He was all that before the marriage and money problems began.
What hurts more was that we were not able to go to his wake and burial because of financial problems. Despite that I still took a loan to give my aunt money for his hospital, funeral and burial expenses. It was the best I can do, as going there is so costly I would rather help them bury my father properly with the money, even if it means I would not see the remains of him one last time. It still hurts a lot. I am trying to move on day by day, but there is a large hole in my heart now he is gone, and I can't even visit his grave.
Fast forward to yesterday, my brother messaged our mom for me about something because I am not currently in good and talking terms with her, and I promise you it was for a very valid reason. My brother showed me what mother said to him about how she is so stressed about me not wanting to talk to her, about how she wanted to just leave and disappear because she is not wanted, the usual gaslighting lines. Honestly, she was always like this. She never acknowledged anyone's struggle but her own. She can make bad decisions but we were only allowed to sympathize because we can now understand things as adults, even if we got hurt or are still hurt.
What I cannot fathom about everything she said to my brother was how she "finally understood why my father left us". And that she might just do the same until the last of her remaining days, saying she is "ready". She said she plans on going home to her hometown with her siblings so they can take care of her since we would not do it. At this time she is living in a house I bought using her money from selling our family home as downpayment, and my own income to pay for the remaining balance monthly under a 30-year loan.
I always knew she was not happy about how I convinced her to let the family home go and start again. I made peace with that indifference knowing it was the way to stop all the abuse and let everyone move on. What I was not aware of is how she thinks it was my fault (or her children's fault) that my father wanted to leave in the first place. How she can have the audacity to say that is shaking me to my very core, thinking how much trauma we got from their toxic marriage. So much trauma that I decided I never want to have kids.
I feel almost betrayed at this point, knowing all these revelation from her and after all I have done for the family for the last nine years. To be fair, I always had that sinking feeling that I everything I do will never be enough, now I can confirm it is true. I am so hurt that I do not want to have anything to do with her until she dies. But I know that my love and understanding for her will always kick in. I'm just lucky I live quite far from her now so I can physically distance myself at least.
But how do you go from here?

I've come here to see if I can get more perspective to save my marriage. My wife and I are high school sweethearts, and we've been together for about six years now. There's a few major issues she's having, and it finally reached a breaking point about two days ago. She's to the point where she's asked for a divorce, but I begged her to let me try to fix the problems. She's asked me to leave and give her time to think in the meantime.
For a little more context, we're both from NY, and we're two years apart as seen above. When we got together I was wrapping up my senior year of HS and getting ready to head to college, and she was heading into her junior year. For the first two years of the relationship, we were practically long distance. She couldn't be open about being with me because of her home life, but at that point we loved each other already, and we made it work. We both struggled in our childhoods, and have our own mental health struggles, which has led to both of us having major communication issues. Back then it was much worse on both sides, but over time we tried to learn to be better about it. She has definitely grown more than I have in that department, which I didn't realize the true extent of until everything spiraled.
I dropped out of college just before covid started, while she was still in her senior year of high school. I spiraled into a deep depression, but she didn't really see the full extend of it since we spent so little time together still. When we were together, I was so happy to be spending time with her it was like everything was ok. This still put a lot of strain on our relationship, but we loved each other, so it felt like we just powered through. I didn't ask for help like I should have, both from her and from my family. I've always had a very hard time admitting I have issues, and I hurt the people I care about by doing it. I spent the first half of the year like this, until I got a steady job, and the stability helped level me back out. At the end of the year, I convinced her to move out of her parents house for the sake of her mental health. I picked her up and brought her to her best friends house, and she bounced around places to stay for the next couple of months.
She's the hardest working person I've ever met, so she was hitching rides to a restaurant to work while still finishing up her first semester of college. I did what I could to try to support her, but staying with my parents, I couldn't just invite her in to stay. During this time, she reconnected with her family that she had been forced to cut contact with by her mother. This aunt and uncle acted as her mother and father figure growing up, and their daughters are like her sisters. They're both grown up and moved out of the house, so her parents were empty nesters. That is, until they invited us to come stay with them. On a whim, we decided we would move across the country with them to get away from the trauma of the past, and give ourselves an opportunity for a fresh start.
When we first moved, I was having a very hard time. It was the first time I'd been so far from home, about 22-26 hours, and we were both having a hard time finding jobs. It got to the point where I sprialed into another depression. I know it was wrong, but I practically gave up on finding a job, while she got one working for Walgreens. I didn't do much of anything, I was lazy and didn't help around the house. It wasn't expected of me, but it bothered her a lot that I was just taking and taking. It wasn't fair of me to any of them to not try to better our situation, and it definitely put more strain on our relationship than I should have allowed. She was very stressed about getting money together so we didn't have to rely on their help, and I just didn't care like I should have. A few months later, she got me a job at another Walgreens store. I only lasted ~5 months, but I transitioned into my first sales job a few weeks after I quit. This helped us move into our first apartment, but as it was throughout the whole relationship, she was the one who had saved up enough for us to actually do it.
I wouldn't say we ever fight, but we had our first big emotional discussion since we had moved south on our way home from Christmas with her sister in 21. I didn't want to admit it at the time, but I was having a very hard time spending the holidays without my family. I didn't think anything of it, but I was talking down to her basically the whole week we were there. Her family all commented on it to her, and told her she deserved better, which I know she does. We cried so much on that drive home, but she put it all out on the table, and I told her I would be more mindful of how I spoke to her. I never meant to hurt her, but that doesn't excuse the way I was acting. I thought I had gotten better about it, but she told me I still do it to her, and I make her feel like she's lesser than me, even though she's always been the driven one and the provider in our relationship.
Fast forward to this spring year. We haven't had any huge issues since the one I just mentioned, and we've taken big steps in our life. We spent a year in an apartment, and then we bought our first home together just over a year ago. I jumped into the car business from my year in sales at att, and I had gone from earning double what I made at att in 23, to making next to nothing this year. I hit my breaking point, and I quit my job. I thought I could take a week off and collect myself, but being out of a routine spiraled me into a deep depression. This was the worst I've ever been mentally while we've lived together. This put all the burden on her shoulders, both financially and emotionally. She tried her heart out to help me, but I just couldn't admit that something was wrong, the same problem I've had time and time again. This is where she hit her breaking point with me. In her words, she felt helpless seeing me like that, and she grew to resent me for what I put her through and what I was doing. I did remote work for about a week, but I hated it so much it was drastically effecting me. She told me not to worry about it and just quit, but this put more burden back on her shoulders. She had to go back to worrying about me, and me being more depressed. It lasted about a month from me leaving my first car dealership, to me starting at the one I'm currently at.
Now, to where the bomb went off. She spent 2-3 weeks being incredibly distant, and she wouldn't really talk to me. She would make little excuses about not wanting to talk or touch me, and it really started to bother me. But, I was stupid, and I tried to give her space. I finally snapped on Wednesday night, and said she was acting like she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. That was because it was true. She had talked to a therapist, and she said that my wife had disconnected herself from the relationship completely when the resentment grew. All the little things I do wrong became more clear to her. I thought I had gotten better about the way I speak to her, but I still make her feel like less than me, even though she has fought so hard to support us. I don't pull enough weight around the house, even though I felt like I was putting more effort in. I couldn't handle her telling me she thought we should get a divorce, so I got up and said I was going for a drive to calm down. She was terrified I would hurt myself, she still loves me despite everything I've put her through. I got home about an hour later to her pacing outside. We went to sleep in separate rooms that night because I couldn't stop thinking about how awful I felt while I was laying next to her.
The next morning we had a much longer conversation. We both cried and cried, but she told me she thinks we want different things for our future. She wants to bust her ass to be the best at whatever she ends up doing with her college degree, but she feels I'm just coasting. I've been trying to change careers for about six months now, but I've had no real luck outside of finding opportunities at other dealerships. She said she wants kids, which we had agreed for a long time we did not want. We have five dogs, and I got a vasectomy a year and a half ago. I told her I think we should talk to someone about why I don't want kids, I think something snapped in me growing up that changed my mind on the idea. She said it wasn't her problem to figure out why I don't want kids. I begged her to try couples therapy with me, but she said I should have listened to her saying it sooner. I've always had such a hard time opening up to anyone, and the same happened when I tried therapy on my own. I thought it was a waste of time then because of it, and I told her I thought it would just end up the same again. I know that doesn't make it right, but it just hurts so much hearing her saying it like that.
I've had two mental breakdowns over the course of these last few days. The first was on Thursday, while she was asleep. I shaved my head, when I've openly told her several times I hate having my head shaved. I think I did it so I could feel like I was in control of something going wrong in my life, even though it was just a stupid thing to do.she walked in to me sitting on the floor in the bathroom like this, and I ended up crying hysterically in her arms. I just can't believe she wants to leave me when we love each other so much, which she still confirms despite all the things she's said. In that moment, it completely broke me. She was so scared she made me go to the hospital, making her relive past trauma. It wasn't fair for me to put hwr through that, but I completely lost control. By the time I saw a doctor, I had collected myself. I told them what happened, but everything was fine now. I don't know why I thought lying like that would help, but it got me out of the hospital I so desperately didn't want to be in. She dropped me off at home, but she immediately had to head to work. I turned my phone off to ignore all the concerned calls and texts from my family and went to sleep.
I woke up at 4:30 that morning, and I couldn't handle what I was processing from the days before. I got up to get something to drink, but I really just ended up sitting blank faced on the kitchen floor. I bashed my head off one of the cabinets, like I used to do when I was a frustrated child. It woke her up, and she came out to see if I was ok. I had another breakdown when she came out. I told her I was sorry for trying to hurt myself, but it hurt that I did it when I told her I wouldn't. I was able to collect myself this time, but the damage was done. I went to therapy that afternoon, and it honestly helped me a lot when I was able to tell the therapist what had happened. I talked to my wife afterwards, and she said she was proud of me for being able to open up like that for the first time.
Originally we were going to spend the night apart so she could have more time to think, but she changed her mind after my therapy went well. We had another long talk, and she had decided she wants to end things. She wants to be treated better, she wants someone that has more desires for the future, and she doesn't think I could be the father of her children. I'm fighting so God damn hard to get on the path to bettering myself and our relationship, but she's convinced it's too late. I talked her out of divorcing yet, but she wants time to think more about it. She wants me to move back in with my family and show her I'm serious about bettering myself. I'm worried that if I leave, I'll be putting the nail in the coffin. She's the love of my life, how do I save this?
Upon finishing this, I've realized it's way longer than I intended it to be, and it took me an hour and a half to dump all this. If anyone actually reads all this, thank you. I'm sorry if my grammar was awful, I started typing this again 2:30am because I woke up and I couldn't sleep thinking about this.

I have a question about how to interpret sleeping plans / schedules.
We had a rough start and when my baby was 10 weeks old we stayed in the hospital. Because of our situation they advised us to try to let her sleep in her bassinet for at least one nap a day and gradually try this for all naps. Some nurses were also trained as sleep coaches and they send us home with a plan including a schedule. And we started “training” from that moment.
The main plan is to give her 5 bottles (formula) during the day and to keep this routine: awake - bottle - play - nap.
They gave example feeding times, with 4 hours in between. Shift it along with the naps. So now you can do 2 things: focus on feeding times and try to keep 4 hours in between, or focus on the routine. The nurse that discussed the plan with us when we were there, told us to focus on the feeding times.
So we did and tried to keep 4 hours in between. But I got confused. Because no baby will follow this scheme of course. Sometimes she napped for 3 hours. Add a wake window and we were past the feeding time. Sometimes naps were really short or not happening at all. In that case I ended up giving the bottle at the end of the wake window. Bottles all over the place, but just these 5 a day. (I’m describing it a bit more rigid than I actually executed the plan, I also gave bottles with just 3 or sometimes 5 hours in between, but I did try to give just these 5 spread out over the day).
Because the naps weren’t going that smooth at first (no surprise there), we had a short evaluation with the hospital and now we spoke to another nurse.
She told me it’s more important to stick to the routine (awake - bottle - play - nap), than to focus on the times of the bottles (4 hours in between). She told me to always offer a bottle after the baby wakes up. She said: baby’s don’t know what time it is, but they do recognize routines.
That made sense. But, I was afraid to give too many bottles. What if she napped for 30 minutes? She told me the baby will probably drink only as much as needed and that this only has to be done for a short period (about a week) because the baby will get used to the routine, have better naps and the situation will automatically shift back to about 5 bottles a day. She told me to always try to keep at least 2 hours in between. Considering the time spent being awake and trying to get her to do a nap, 2 hours would have passed. Also when the nap didn’t work out. In that case I also had to start the routine all over again: bottle, awake time, when I see sleepy cues, try to put her down for a nap again. So I started trying it this way. We’ve been doing this for around 1,5 week now.
Now my question is: Is it better to focus on those 5 bottles a day with 4 hours (approximately) in between OR focus on routine? And why?
You may wonder why I want to know, if it is working. Well, I’m not sure what worked. Things changed with plan A and things changed with plan B.
Now the whole plan the hospital gave us, included much more than just the routine and the feeding times. It also included many tips for how to get a baby to sleep in her own bed. So we also worked with all these tips. And the situation got better. But also different again.
When we first started with the plan, falling asleep was really a big problem. My back up plan was always a contact nap or a nap in the carrier or stroller, but that didn’t work either around that time. She just wasn’t napping anymore. We continued following the plan and sometimes got little successes. When she napped, she used to nap for 2-3 hours. Around this time we made the little change to focus on the routine instead of the 5 bottles a day. We offered her a bottle after a nap or after a failed attempt. There were always at least 2 hours in between. She did get more bottles, but stops drinking when she’s full.
She now is 14 weeks and we got her to sleep in her bassinet for all the naps (and at night). Falling asleep has become a lot easier for her. Sometimes she falls asleep on her own. Sometimes with a little fuzzing, sometimes with a little crying, sometimes (although very rare) happy and peaceful. And sometimes she is just a bit too upset and we have to calm her down a bit while laying in her bassinet and she will fall asleep with a little assistance (hand on chest, little bit of rocking). So far so good.
The past few days the long naps are no longer existing. She wakes up after 30-40 minutes. Usually screaming really loud, very suddenly. She looks like she needs more sleep, but we cannot comfort her enough to do another sleep cycle. She is very tired at the end of the day, so bedtime is earlier these days…
The catnapping is maybe an age thing. A phase. Or it may has something to do with the change we made in the schedule. I’m not sure, and nobody really knows, but I’m wondering what plan to stick to. Because this way, we are still offering many bottles a day and I’m not sure that’s ok. So I’m curious what you think…

Even if there isnt any chance of me having sepsis or going septic, if someone can help pinpoint what i could have until i can get to a doctor, thatd be amazing. 19F, 171lbs, 5’5. I take a multi vitamin and Benadryl for allergies. Physical health wise I’ve been diagnosed with anemia and hemophilia since 2018, lab results from May 2023 confirmed both of those still but i havent been to my doctor since then (im horrible, my dr moved and im terrified of doctors but im now learning ive gotta get over that). Other than that and where my really bad issues start i went to the ER in mid April, i think the 18/19th because i had extreme pain in my lower right abdomen that continued getting worse and spreading throughout my stomach which got diagnosed as enter-colitis (enteritis and colitis). I stuck to the BRAT diet until i felt safe enough to switch (they told me at min. 3 days i believe i carried it for at least 5). I’d like to say ive been super mindful of my diet ever since but its already hard for me to eat anyways so when i want something, i dont really deny myself that because i dont really eat much in the first place. This is where im gonna note i have a lot of the same symptoms as gastroparesis, if any further explaination on this would help ill be happy to give it. May 31st from 2-3am i puked 4 times, no blood. I will say i took a couple of shots but only enough to feel buzzed, not drunk, i also havent drank since Sept. last year as im not a big drinker however i do smoke weed when i need to eat or else i feel sick, and before i sleep. I know both of those can mess with you gut health so i figure its worth mentioning. But the whole reason i felt so nauseous anyways is because i felt like i needed to shit so bad but i just couldnt so i guess puking was the second better option for stomach relief. For a while it truly did make my stomach feel better id say around 2pm (May 31st) is when my stomach started bothering me again like it does almost daily, it gets hard for me to eat or be hungry, i also do think shaking thing a lot that could either be low blood sugar or what i mainly think it is, POTS, and i just dont shit a lot (partly why i think i have gastroparesis is literally because i do have delayed gastric emptying) even when i do its never like a normal one and its almost always at least somewhat painful to do so. As of right now, June 1st 3am, the whole left side of my stomach hurts like hell, when i used the bathroom earlier there was bright red blood in my stool, and this is going to sound dramatic as hell but it feels like my stomach acid it actually burning my stomach, chest, and throat. I wont go into a lot detail unless needed but id also like to note from 2019-2022 i had multiple eating disorders mainly starving myself and purging where i abused laxatives like crazy (would eat a full laxative chocolate bar in a day). Ive also overdosed on ibuprofen, tylenol, midol, and benadryl and didnt go to the hospital afterwards id just make myself throw up. Not to pity party or make this dark but as ive grown up i’ve realized that i probably brought all these stomach issues upon myself as all those things are fucking horrible for your stomach! Any and all help is appreciated and if any questions need to be asked i will literally answer anything. if anyone thinks its ok to wait longer ill probably just make an appt with my pcp but if its something urgent ill go to first care or if pain or blood in stool get too much worse ill definitely go to the ER.

dude...i just got rejected...by this girl thats like...the girl of my dreams. For a recap, when i started 9th grade (school year 2022-2023), we were seatmates. We usually didint talk but one time, during a hard leason in maths which was like quadratic equations and stuff. I was struggling hard. I legit was just staring at the activity sheet. After a while she noticed and helped me which brought the start of our friendship. We always talked through chat, sometimes irl, but its mostly through chat. The first few weeks of talking, she usually sent me videos of herself doing math problems that i can watch if i need help. It continued untilthe math lessons didint get hard the following quarters. Summer vacation came, and i thought it would be great. Guess what...IT WASNT. I hate my family, my dad isn't with us, so it was only me(oldest), my mom, my lil brother, and my sister. Me and my siblings are all 3 years apart from age. I dont know why its always me getting scolded back then for the things my siblings do. It was so bad...i wanted to commit suicide. Like, my mental state was not OKAY. I didint know who to cry to, who to talk to. But then, thats when i thought, why not talk to her? So i ranted and ranted and ranted, i wanted to kill myself. I wanna rnd my life. Things were rough and on the outside, i might look tough or emotion less, but in reality. Im just a sensitive loser thats emotional, easily cries, and sucks at everything. I told her i wanted to kill myself. She kept stopping me. And take note, we rarely talk irl because...im too shy yo approach her. Then she said the most out of the blue thing "If you can't find a reason to live, why not make me your reason to live?" IT HIT HARD. I didint know what to say or reply. I just dropped my phone and continued crying in my room. A few days passed, i talked to her again, but i guess that was the wrong day because she was NOT in the mood. Her parents were about to go divorce because of a problem(i cant rlly say). She told me stuff like she already cried abt it and stuff. We were both there for each other. after that talk with her...summer vacation went, just a little smoother. We always get to play games on roblox, because we cant rlly meet up. We always chat from morning till night. It was perfect. Then, 10th grade came(school year 2023-2024). This time, we weren't seatmates. Since we both go to a special school which has a robotics class, and our T.L.E(Technology and Livelihood Education) was specialized on animation. Like, the whole thing was about 2D and 3D animation. Beinh the perfect most smartest person she is (atleast in my eyes) she was assigned the role of 3D animation for her group. After that...we never got to play most of the time...during our mid year break, she was still busy...a few months pass and on the 4th quarter(final quarter) of the school year. THEY ANNOUNCED THAT OUR BATCH WAS HAVING A PROM. So naturally, i was so excited. I immediately invited her and asked if she wanted to go with me. She said she's gonna think about it so I waited. I asked her about 3 weeks before prom. Then when our batch representative announced in the groupchat that since theres more girls that boys in our batch, they made a poll on who wants to volunteer to go individual to prom. SHE IMMEDIATELY WENT SOLO AND VOTED. It kinda hurt...she said she was gonna think about it and well...she went solo. I asked her why she did that and then she said "I wanna go with my other friends", which was okay with me since i have no rights to make her my partner because...well...we weren't a thing yet, and i still havent confessed. After that...a few more weeks pass, and take not of this specific detail: She asked me what my discord was because she said she forgot what my discord name was because she lost count and alot of her discord friends changed names. THEN I REMEMBERED, my discord bio was basically, me telling that i like her and hoping she doesnt find out and stuff. So i immediately change it then send her the screenshot of my discord.
After 1 week, prom night came. I went in a cool looking suit and stuff when it was time for the red carpet... she eas absolutely stunning. Her eyes sparkled, her pink dress was beautiful. In my eyes, shes the one that stood out the most. She went solo for the red carpet...and i did too..i told my self if i wasnt gonna get partnered with her, then im not gonna get partnered with anyone. Our tabled were far apart but i could still see her from the distance. When it was time for the slow dance part of prom. I went outside because well...i wasnt gonna dance with anyone. When i went outside i saw her with her friends. I just passed by and sat near the bench outside of the venue. I didint know what to do but just admire her beauty from afar. She was perfect. As time passed, only a few more minutes were left before prom night ended so i worked up my courage and went to her. I was about to confess but then when i looked at her, my mind went completely blank. Her eyes weren't the ocean, but i still drown...get lost in them. I was panicking on the inside but on the outside, I was just staring at her. Then the moment of silence was broken when she suddenly said "I already know you liked me"...i smiled...then she said "gotta go" as she want back into the venue because her friends were calling her she looked back for a second then shouted "I knew from your discord bio" AND I WAS SHOCKED. Because...after the discord incident...she never distanced herself from me. We kept talking, and one time, she even asked me "Be honest, Do i text badly? Do you feel ignored?" Which was like...dude...bro i love her. I just sat on the bench the whole night thinking about what i should do. After prom, when i got home i immediately texted her and said "sorry for earlier...my mind went black ahahahaha" she said "its okay" then i said "so...uhh...do you like me back...?" She said "sorry i dont feel the same..i wanna keep things platonic" SO THAT SHOOK MY TO MY CORE...it hurt alot. But still, we kept talking, she still didint distance her self.
This is my confession btw: If you ever get this message, it may be because when i confessed to you, I had a lot more to say(i didint confess😭). You made me feel the most special person in the world, for once i felt i wanted and i guess you're the reason for that. I know you might not like me back, and i know I'm probably not even close to your standards, but i just wanted to tell you how i feel about you. Do you know the saying: "you cant love others without loving yourself first." I never believed in that because I never loved myself, but you...I love YOU so much that i forgot what hating myself felt like. You're the reason i catch myself smiling out of nowhere in the middle of the day. You are the sunshine in my thoughts, and the unexpected joy that fills my heart. Every time I think of you, everything seems just a little brighter and a little lighter. You make waking up the best part of the day, seeing you at school always makes me the happiest person on earth...and i really just like you...i hope this won't ruin our friendship, and that things won't get awkward between us.
A few more weeks passed by and it was our moving up. I didint get to go because i was sick. Before that she was showing me a necklace that she found on Instagram then...well...i thought to myself why not buy it. Atleast i can give jer something for moving up. I bought it for her..then thats when fever struck me. I didint get to go to moving up so i just told her about the necklace. Then she said "Oh i wanted to give you something too, a Friendship bracelet." Since we both didint get to see each other for moving up, i just told her..."lets give our gifts for each other next school year" and she said "sureee". After that well..A FEW MORE WEEKS PASSED BY. And i was thinking to myself. I wanna pursue her. I loved her. And like...i dont know how to say it. So i made this whole ass paragraph again.
WHAT I SAID: I've been thinking abt this for a while now...and i really wanna try pursuing you. I know you're still prioritizing ur studies and time with ur fam but, i do wanna try pursuing you, i know that you never felt the same and stuff but like...yk..i guess that's the point? who knows you might fall or maybe feel the same too? I'M NOT FORCING U OR ANYTHING. Just... you're one of the people who made me feel this tingly feeling like, when someone mentions your name or your chat head pops up on my screen..i just get this feeling, it only has ever happened when its about you...i cant really express through words what or how i feel about you...but im POSITIVE..i can show them through my actions. i wanna give you the best hugs you deserve(im rlly into hugs). I wanna get to know you even more, i want to get to share unforgettable experiences with you. You're the first person that just I REALLY WANNA PURSUE AND BE WITH. You are the most perfect person in my eyes...i know perfect people don't exist but your imperfections, your flaws, everything about you...it just makes me go bananas. So...how about...we try it...? Like...trying to learn how to love me too...? ARGH I DONT KNOW MY HANDS R SHAKING AS IM TYPING THIS...i just wanna....be with you...i wanna stay with you and...i dont know what to say anymore...but maybe...just maybe even if its the slightest chance, maybe you'd fall for me too like how i fell for you? I know I'm putting our friendship at risk of awkwardness and stuff and maybe even the end of it...but I'm willing to take those risks for you. I know I'll just get hurt but...can you really experience love if you don't feel pain too?
IM NOT PRESSURING U OR ANYTHING DWWWWW!! dam I yap alot😭 just answer with a yes or no. And i know what to do next. Anyways, iloveuu🫶🏻(?)
I sent it to her after a few hours of procrastinating. She replied a few hours later and this is what she replied.
HER REPLY: Idk, like I said I don't really care, but I don't wanna, and u shouldn't get ur hopes up, liek I said last time, I really don't want to get into a relationship at all, I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings but you did say that you aren't forcing but I don't want to "try" or anything like that, I see you as a friend and only a friend. I appreciate that you think of me that way but I won't be returning those feelings back to you in any point of my life.
IT HURTS. It hit me hard. Its like getting shot straight to the heart. Her reply was the last time we talked to each other(3 days ago). We still havent talked after that. Im legit gonna cry...the first person i actually had feelings for...damn.