Start to be anorexic

I want to hear others' experiences bc I'm very contradictory with this. Sometimes I feel under-sensitive and crave stimulation. I love loud music and noisy environments. When I go to clubs or gigs I get bored if the sound system isn't loud enough and the crowd isn't aggressive enough. I love movement as well, like long car drives and walks. I unintentionally spent 5 hours walking around a forest the other day - just let myself get lost and didn't notice how much time had passed until it started getting dark. Pain doesn't bother me much and I love weight training. I was never into a specific sport (besides maybe boxing) but I love fitness or any kind of physical activity. I love physical touch as well but my friends would never guess it bc I generally try to avoid being clingy or annoying.
On the other hand I can withdraw completely and become totally non-verbal and still. I honestly hate this side of myself because I feel sleepy and disconnected, and the smallest things upset me. Certain foods and smells used to bother me so much that I was misdiagnosed with OCD as a kid. I always hated eating around other people, which concerned pretty much everyone that knew me - some of them thought I was anorexic but mostly people just found it weird. A lot of my pre-school teachers would regularly try to force feed me which made it worse. These days it's much less extreme - I can usually cope fine with bad smells or uncomfortable clothes. I still can't stand any kind of sudden loud noise and avoid movies with jump scares like the plague.
It's weird bc I'm totally monotone and expressionless around some people but aggressive and over-engaged around others. Both sides are weird and I wish I could just behave like a regular human being. I always try to act nice and normal but it's hard.

I have had body issues due to trauma my whole life. I had always thought I was fat but looking back I was always very slim. People always told me k was pretty and could be a model but I never saw that in myself. Growing up in an abusive family, I was put down a lot and had my insecurities used against me. This developed a lot of self esteem issues creating an unsure image of myself. Before dating my current boyfriend, I was with my ex of 13 years who was verbally and emotionally abusive as well. He would call me fat when I wasn’t and then anorexic when I had actually lost more weight being down to 103lbs in my mid twenties. In 2019 we had broken up and even though he was no good for me and I knew that, I had a very hard time with it. I also lost my dad a few months later which I think sealed the deal for what was to come. Covid rules went in to place around this time making it impossible to go get groceries yet Uber eats and things like that were still running to an extent. I lost myself and would order out a lot. I feel like I lost such a huge part of me that I no longer cared about myself and before knowing it I had gained lots of weight.
In 2021 I tried dating again and had no problem meeting new guys. I’m sure it was my personality that attracted them to me which was great and what I wanted however nothing worked out long term. I knew I wanted to lose weight but it was very hard for me and I didn’t even know where to start. I continued dating and said if I found someone who liked me for me now, then I’d know it’s real and would cherish me when I did lose weight. In 2022 I met a guy like no other. I almost swiped left but something drew me to him. He was awesome and so sweet. He was everything I ever wanted in a man and he seemed to like me for me, all of me. Through dating my self confidence came back, if anything it rose and I would actually feel hot and beautiful, something I never thought about myself before. He never put me down, told me my body was beautiful and made me feel amazing but in the back of my mind I still knew I wanted to lose weight. He supported me but told me I didn’t need to lose weight and that I was perfect the way I was. Throughout our whole relationship he would compliment me, making me feel on top of the world. Him liking me for me was a main thing that made me fall for him. I had never felt more comfortable and safe in my whole life.
I ended up getting pregnant and since giving birth, I had lost all my pregnancy weight and I think even more weight on top of that. The other day I was looking at my id from 2021 compared to now and there was such a huge difference in my face size. As of now, I’m about 176lbs and 5”6 for context. For BMI I am 1 point in the overweight mark but I see that as just 1 point over average which I know I can easily get down to. We were having a discussion yesterday and I asked him a personal question about our future, he snapped on me but later told me he wants me to lose weight. This came as an absolute shock to me. Not because I know I need to and want to but that this was coming from the same guy who always praised my body and made me feel like I was beautiful no matter what. It crushed me hearing this though I know it was true. What really got me is he said something along the lines of throughout our relationship he would look at me and not like the way I looked but overlook it. That really hurt and made me feel like our whole relationship was a lie. If so, why did he always compliment my body? Why did he try to make me feel so good about myself? Just the night before I was in the bathtub bent over where my stomach probably looked gross and he randomly came in and whistled at me. When I brought this up to him, he said it was because he thought I looked good. Everything he told me just contradicted each other. He would say sometimes he found me attractive the way I was and sometimes he didn’t like it. I was like so what, do you just pick and choose? How am I supposed to know? He claimed he was just as confused. He also said a few other contradictory things about our relationship, complaining we don’t do anything (we have a small child and no one to babysit) and saying I’m boring however every event, trip, outing was sought out and planned by me alone. So again I was very confused. He was really mean about it all but continued to say he loves me, love our time together, never met anyone like me, sees a future with me. How am I supposed to take all that? I’m not at all making excuses for him but he has been very stressed lately in not finding a job and I can see it’s been getting to him the last few days so I’m not sure if this helped in causing him to lash out at me in any way.
With him saying he wants me to lose weight, it was also confusing to hear as I have spent the last year begging him to help me out in regards to our home life. I struggle mentally but still do everything cool, clean, take care of our baby (he does help out) but he leaves me with so much mental load that I have to think for him. He’s has a task list of things to do for the last two years that he still hasn’t done and I have to keep track of that for him as well as his appointments. Anyone who’s had a baby especially a single mother would know how hard it is to do it on your own, I feel like with him I have another child I have to take care of. The responsibilities in our life are definitely not equal. He gets up, makes himself a big breakfast, has the time to work out and do the things he likes but me, I do a full day of work and when our baby goes to sleep I am completely exhausted that I mostly crash out within an hour or 2. He leaves me no time for myself to work out even if I wanted to and along with the mental load I am just exhausted. I also want to add that I have been having some health issues since the new year and I actually made a few changes. I cold turkey stopped drinking soda and changed my eating habits. He said he was proud of me and how quickly I could do that to take care of myself. But now he’s acting like I’ve made no changes at all even though I have lost weight both since I’ve met him and since giving birth. Of course I want to lose weight but now it almost feels wrong to do so. I don’t want to do it just because he said he ants me to. I want to do it at my own pace in my own way because I want to. It’s always been a goal of mine. And now I feel if I do lose weight and he starts complimenting me, it’ll just be wrong because I will always remember that he never liked me for me. I am already feeling extremely uncomfortable around him and wearing more clothes to hide my body. Also everything now feels like it was a lie so I don’t know how to move forward or if I even should.
I am really just so confused and don’t know where to go from here. Is this a reasonable request or should I move on? Opinions? Suggestions?
*** I forgot to add that he tells me he sees old pictures of me and wants me to look like that though those pictures are 10 years old and I’m not that same person anymore. Of course I’ve grown up and don’t always doll myself up to go to clubs and such anymore. Plus I was an unhealthy weight, you could see my bones sticking out. How should I take this?

Okay so I need some serious help and guidance. This is going to be a bit of a story, so i apologize for the length.
Info: 23 yr old male, gay, 5”5, 130 pounds-ish
(Sidenote: I used to be a fat child so I’ve always had body image issues, and in high school I was anorexic/ bulimic for a few years. The issue I’m going to be discussing is separated from these past occurrences, but I thought my past with eating disorders was worth mentioning as it’s related).
My issues began about 3 years ago. I started getting more into fitness for aesthetic reasons. Before this decision I was already very healthy (exercised about 3 times a week, no alcohol, lots of Whole Foods, good sleep, and have been a vegan for many years beforehand). Once I made this decision to get more into fitness, I developed an eating disorder over time and bad body dysmorphia. I over-exercised and under ate, I was not fueling or recovering properly from lifting sessions, which made me lose a lot of weight that I did not need to lose as I was already skinny beforehand. Eventually after about a year and a half i realized my issue and began eating more, which lead to great results both physically and mentally. However it seems that since recovering from the eating disorder, the over exercising has come back. I’m no longer afraid to eat enough, but i just am doing wayyy too much. I’ll put my full current routine below, but to sum it up I’m working out everyday, at least an hour and a half. I have two hardcore leg days (Mon/Fri) along with a lighter leg day that is combined with one of my 2 arm days (Weds), 2 arm days (Weds/ sun), and 3 abs/ core/ full body yoga days (Tues/ Thurs/ sat). I do lifts at home using dumbbells, kettlebells, and resistance bands, as I don’t like working out with others. My current routine gives me the aesthetic goals I want, which is strong legs/ glutes, a toned waist, and toned arms, but this routine is taking away a lot from my life. I don’t want to progressively overload with weights as I already did this going from a 20 to 30 to 40 pound dumbbell I’m currently using, plus I’m ok with my current muscle size. I just want to modify my current routine to give me similar results but not have it take over my life. I wake up between 4:30 and 5AM every day since i workout in the morning, as this is the only time i can do so. I have to wake up so early because the workouts I listed above take so damn long. My 2 hardcore leg days (Monday and Friday) used to only take 2 hours, and now they’re 3 hours. I get results, but the rest of the day I feel weak, exhausted, and like I’m running on stress hormones. This is the major issue I’m having, as my main goal with weightlifting was to have juicy thighs/ glutes, which I’m getting, but at what cost. My remaining lighter leg day (Wednesday) is also combined with arm lifts and a 45 min walk. For 2 of my 3 abb days (Tuesday/ Thursday) I do an hour and 20 mins of stomach vacuums, an intense 25 min core/ full body yoga video, and then a more relaxed 30 min full body yoga video, which ends up being about 2 1/2 hours counting rest and bathroom break. For the remaining 3rd abb day (Saturday), I do the vacuums, the intense core/ full body yoga, and then a 10 min jog ending in a sprint (about two hours total). My remaining day (Sunday) is just arms and a 45 min walk which I have no issue with.
Current Routine: (5:20-8:20)AM LIFT: LEGS Monday-10 x 4 (40) reverse lunges, 12 x 4 (48) squats, 9 x 4 (36) deadlifts, and 20 x 3 (60) glute bridges. ALL USING SINGLE 40 LB DUMBBELL
(5:30-8:00)AM VACUUMS/ABS/YOGA Tuesday- floor vacuums, 25 min core yoga, 30 mins full body yoga.
(5:40-8:10) AM LIFT: ARMS/ LEGS/ WALK Wednesday- arm lifts, 30 glute kickbacks (each leg) with 20 pound, 15 x 4 exercise- band hip abductions, 10 x 4 (40) glute bridges, 45 min walk. ALL USING SINGLE 40 LB DUMBBELL
(5:30-8:00)AM VACUUMS/ABS/YOGA Thursday-floor vacuums, 25 min core yoga, 25 mins full body yoga.
(5:00-8:00)AM LIFT: LEGS Friday-10 x 4 (40) reverse lunges, 12 x 4 (48) squats, 9 x 4 (36) deadlifts, and 20 x 3 (60) glute bridges. ALL USING SINGLE 40 LB DUMBBELL
(5:00-7:00AM) VACUUMS/ABS/JOG Saturday- floor vacuums, 20 min core yoga, 10 min jog with spring at finish.
(5:30-7:00)AM ARMS/ WALK Sunday- arm lifts, 50 min walk.
⚫️I need help in reducing this routine. It is taking over my life. I have to go to bed by 9:30 every night in order to sleep enough for a morning workout everyday, which has drastically killed my social life. This exercise disorder has killed my libido, and I’m almost certain my cortisol levels are too high because I go through days of water retention/ bloating most likely due to constant physical & mental stress. My Goal is to restructure and lessen the entire routine overall to be more sustainable, but my main focus is to reduce the length of time for leg days.
⚫️I need help Specifically with shortening the mon/ fri leg days so they don’t take 3 hours. Theoretically I understand it shouldn’t take 3 hours, but because of the large number of sets & reps, I need to take more rest periods in order to finish the full leg workout. I like the leg exercises (reverse lunges, squats, deadlifts, and glute bridges), but just not the excessive reps. Ive accepted that reducing these leg days may result in some muscle loss. I just need to find a way to still do these 4 leg exercises with similar results I have now, but not taking as long. I’ve heard that excessive reps actually hinders muscle development. Are my rep numbers considered excessive? and would reducing my rep numbers cause muscle loss, even if they’re excessive?
⚫️Is two leg days (instead of 3), enough to maintain my current muscles? I want to cut out the additional 3rd day of leg lifts on my Wednesday arm day, but I’m worried that cutting out these lifts will make glutes smaller.
⚫️ Is 2 abb/ yoga days enough for tone? Would cutting off the 3rd day negate or improve my goal of have a defined but slim torso? I’m worried this 3rd abb day I’m currently doing could eventually overdevelop my core, which I don’t need as my torso is already square shaped. However I’m also worried that only doing 2 abb days a week will make me wide torso less defined. This 3rd abb day is on Saturday, the day after one of my intense leg days, so I always feel depleted and exhausted for this workout.
⚫️LASTLY…. I need outside perspective. I’ve already spoken to my cousin about this as she’s a personal trainer, and she Told me I was really overdoing it. Ive already reduced my Reps for leg days to my current routine, but it still feels like too much. I know I’m overdoing it, I’ve known for a while but I just feel stuck and that I’ll lose my results if I modify my routine to be more sustainable. I love fitness but this is taking a toll on my life. I know that I need to lessen this routine, I just have no idea where to start, and no idea how to restructure it in a way that still gives me similar results to what I have now. Please any help is helpful, I’m desperate.

I’m like 5’8-5’9 and I weigh 107 pounds, im a male and im about to turn 17 next week, I don’t feel like I look super skinny and anorexic but it makes me feel bad for being so severely underweight, is this an okay thing or should I start trying to do something about it? If so where do I start? I’m a pretty lazy person and just eat when I feel hungry, so about twice a day on average I’d say, I don’t eat breakfast or lunch when im at school so im sure that contributes to it, I just feel like my weight shifts between 107-115 pounds every time I check it and don’t have any idea how to gain weight in my currently financial and social/family situation, what is the best advice for someone like me?

I started experiencing weird symptoms I never had before 1-2 weeks before each period when I was 14, and I just thought it was normal. These symptoms kept happening each month and got worst, so I did some research online about possible causes and came across some articles on PMDD which made so much sense because I matched every sign. I started telling my mom about what was happening because it started to get so extreme that I knew it couldn't be normal, so after a while of me begging for help, she took me to the doctor and a gynecologist. I went through around 5-6 months of random testing, and ended up finally getting diagnosed with PMDD.
I'm 16 now and it hasn't got any easier to manage. I only get like 4 or 5 days out of every month where I feel a bit more ok than I usually do. I've also started experiencing PMDD symptoms 3 weeks prior now instead of 1-2 weeks like before, so it lasts even longer. I hate living like this because it feels like I'm constantly physically and mentally ill. I was on birth control for a bit to manage symptoms, but now I'm slowly going off of it and only have around 5 days left on it because I take medication for epilepsy and my neurologist said it's not a good idea to continue with birth control cause it could stop my medication from working.
I get suicidal thoughts, but I wouldn't act on them because I'm too afraid because I don't want to leave behind my family and my dogs. The most I've ever done is some form of self harm (that doesn't involve cutting) to stop those thoughts. I've thought about calling suicide hotlines, but my parents pay my phone bill and I don't want them to see that I called them because they're kind of against showing emotion and don't understand what I'm going through so they think I'm overreacting sometimes. I've asked about going to therapy but my mom said she went to therapy before and it's not as much help as I think it is, and my dad sees it as weak so that's off the table. I don't have any friends either so I feel like I have no one to go to.
I also get really insecure about my body and the way I look about 1 week before I get my period, and it makes me just feel so worthless and not want to be alive. I have troubles with eating as well because I purposely don't eat a lot to stay skinny (not to like an anorexic level, I just try to limit as much as possible), and I have an obsession with working out and only eating low calorie healthy food to stay small. I get really intense food cravings which makes eating small amounts harder because I want to binge eat a bunch of junk food, but know if I do I'll end up feeling so much guilt and feel fat, which then makes me want to mentally breakdown.
On top of this I spend almost everyday crying for no reason, feeling sick, having cramps or some other type of pain, being exhausted, feeling paranoid, mildly hallucinating, being really anxious without any reason, having no motivation to do anything, hating myself, and so much more. I just don't know how to cope because no one I'm around understands no matter how hard I try to explain it, and I still have to keep going everyday like nothing is wrong because I have to go to work, get my online schoolwork done, I also do a lot of volunteer work so I have to appear ok for that, etc. I still sort of feel new to struggling like this since it's only been 2 years and I haven't really developed a lot of coping skills.

So I’d been having a really bad few weeks for non-transition-related reasons. Also I’m actually recovering right now from an FFS revision plus BBL and that’s going OK.
But I got misgendered repeatedly by different people @ the doctor’s office yesterday. It’s not my regular doctor or the surgeon’s office - both of those are cool - this wasn’t even for something transition related.
I’m not even holding it against them. They know my tea, I haven’t even changed my legal name yet but my chart has a place for preferred name and pronouns. It was the “honest mistake” form of misgendering - which actually hurts worse because it lets me know I don’t pass. I had taken an extra dose of gabapentin beforehand so I really didn’t care at the time. And anyway *I never say anything* when strangers misgender me. I know I *could* just politely correct them and move on but I don’t even want to do that. I’m naturally rather sweet and nice with people. And I’ve seen the videos of “It’s Ma’am” and Lilytino and I never want to be seen as that so I try to be the opposite.
It only hurts because I know now I *really* don’t pass - even after multiple surgeries - and probably won’t ever. It makes sense, all the sidelong glances and funny looks and unintelligible muttered comments and I know now that most people are just being nice to me when they gender me right. I realized this after I left. I was still pretty high on pills so I wasn’t really upset until later but it was a revelation and I got to thinking. What can I do about this?
To me, transition was never worth it to me if I couldn’t pass because I just want to be seen as a woman by the world and fit in that way. So by that criteria, my transition has failed. I don’t want to detransition. I’m still happier this way. Or I could just present male while still on HRT but I think I’d be miserable that way.
My first option is to make one last effort. I can get breast augmentation and lose a bunch more weight. I’ve lost 50 pounds since starting transition and maybe losing a bit more body mass would help me pass. And anyway I love the way skinny girls look in their skinny girl clothes - plus I’d get to wear skinny girl clothes. And skinny with big boobs is so beauty standards. I was (actually) anorexic in my early 20’s and I looked great. Now I’m 5’7”, [weight redacted], 36C and a 10 or 12 dress size but won’t know where I’ll be at when I’m healed up from the BBL.
I might get a second opinion on my FFS as well but I don’t want to go through such major surgery for another year, getting a boob job would be OK though. Also, I’m very happy with my FFS results so far and love the hips I got from the BBL. Like, to me, I finally look like the female version of me and that's wonderful.
My second option is to just not care. Like if I don’t care if people misgender me it can’t bother me right? I don’t have to pass. And as long as I can accept that most cis people don’t think I’m a real woman - even better. I’m unlucky in that I’m a straight trans woman on top of it. I already accept that my dating pool is severely limited and I’ve had problems with chasers in the past so I’m not dating now anyway. But I’d probably have to give up on ever having a husband and that really sucks. All this seems like a brilliant 4D chess move to me. I’d be sacrificing so much that is important to me but at least I’ll be happy in all other aspects of my life. The downside of course is that I’ll always make cis people uncomfortable and I’ll make many trans people uncomfortable as well, I’ll be an embarrassment to passing trans women and I’m sorry for that.
Anorexia or apathy? I can’t choose. Both, if the first option doesn’t work.
...advice would be appreciated...

*TW for anyone with an ED.*
Food is one of my (18f) only sources of joy in life, and my brother (11m) is taking it all away. I don’t get to eat much due to my diet/lifestyle of OMAD, my typical daily meal consisting of 500-800 calories on average, every 24 hours (sometimes I throw in a 48 hour fast, and also I rarely eat twice as much on the rare time I get to go to a restaurant.) Naturally, this means I get very little to eat each day, and I’ve learned to thoroughly appreciate food and savor each and every bite. My brother on the other hand, eats all day long, all because he is bored. I don’t have a problem with this alone, but it’s the fact that i’ll have some foods I’m looking forward to eating the next day or two and when it finally becomes time I have an open spot to eat it, I find it completely empty as my brother ate it all. He’s even eaten most of my mom‘s mothers day cake and my family’s leftovers from restaurants. The moment we get new food, my brother immediately runs to the kitchen to eat everything he deems yummy. There’s nothing more frustrating than finally having it become time to eat something after a sleepless night of tossing and turning over craving it, only to find it to be completely in crumbs. When confronted, my brother lies and if his lies don’t work, he just shrugs it off or half-heartedly apologizes only to do it again soon after without a care. When I bring it up to my parents, they just brush it off, especially my mom. My mom gets mad at ME for complaining, saying that it's the “family's food” (despite the fact I got none) or that if it bothers me so much, to get a job and buy my own food (i’m disabled and unable to work).
My brother likes to experiment with food and often wasted it by making weird concoction, which my parents are too lazy to monitor so they just let him. A couple times my mom made a pizza, and when she asked if I wanted a slice and when I said yes, she huffed and got all mad at me, calling me a pig and that I eat everything in the house despite the fact SHE CAME TO ME WITH THE OFFER. If I had denied the offer, my mom and my brother would be getting a entire half a pizza each. Funnily enough, ever since I stopped accepting pizza, my mom got disappointed that I wasn’t eating any and there was leftovers. One time at a restaurant recently, my family of four had ordered egg rolls and there was six. My brother had already ate two, the rest of us had one. When I went to grab a second one, my mother calls me greedy and I kid you not, SHE TAKES IT OFF MY PLATE AND GIVES IT TO MY BROTHER despite the fact he had two already. I ended up embarrassing myself in the restaurant as I ended up crying over my mom’s words. I didn’t even care about that extra egg roll, it’s more about my brother getting away with everything. To add some extra context, my brother has always been my mom’s favorite and she always treats him better than me. When I was little, I would eat just like my brother and was chubby on top of that too. My mother would always call me a pig and make oinking noises whenever I ate a little extra. She never once did that with my brother. All of this is making me start to become almost paranoid around food, i’m scared that i’ll develop a binge eating disorder or something because the only way I can guarantee that i’ll get a share of the food I want would be to eat it all at once before my brother can get a hold of it. It took me so much hard work to finally build a healthy discipline around food, and this is challenging it. Luckily I haven’t given up my willpower yet (and don’t plan to), but it’s feeling more like suffering each day as I have to worry if the food will be there or not the next day.
The only time my mother ever was concerned for me was during a five day fast, where she called me “anorexically skin and bone” (despite weighing more than I do currently) and she bought me half a box of pork fried rice to encourage me to eat. The only hope I have now is to continue loosing weight (i’m on the exact border of underweight currently) and then i’ll be so frail and skinny my mom will have to start caring about saving me the food I want. I know I’m pathetic for being this upset over not getting the food I want, and it’s partially my own doing for not eating it right away, but It’s not as easy as just eating more, because that would cause weight gain with my slow metabolism. I know I shouldn’t be complaining because i’m privileged of having food to eat in the first place, but i’m selfish and just wish things would be fair instead of feeling completely gipped out of the only thing that I look forward to each day.

I’m depressed. I know I’m depressed because I spent years feeling this way and finally started digging myself out of that hole after 2 rounds of ECT but it’s different now because it feels rational and appropriate.
My sister and favorite person died suddenly and unexpectedly in December at 25. I was the one who got the call from her friend who found her so I had to tell my parents and I feel like I’m missing a part of myself now. We were 16 months apart to the day and she was my ride or die, we talked every day and she was always there for me even when I wasn’t a fun person to be around.
There wasn’t a funeral, then I went back to work and I did ok for a while but now I’m this close to falling apart and it feels like everyone else has moved on — I know that isn’t the case and a lot of it has to do with the fact that my parents cope differently than me and none of my friends where I live knew her but I’m just so goddam lonely.
I had been doing really well following through with harm reduction plans from my doctors/dietitian (long term anorexic) and the last few days I haven’t had the energy or desire to even pretend I’m going to try. I spent my teens and early 20s actively trying to kill myself, then right when I get my shit together and start to want a future for myself my worst nightmare comes true and I’m in a worse place than I was before so I did all of that hard work for less than nothing.
I’m not sure why I’m writing this. I’m safe, I want to die but I have no plan or intention to make that happen in the immediate future but I just don’t know what to do. My mom keeps suggesting therapy but after 15+ continuous years of therapy, having severe enduring anorexia (most therapists won’t touch EDs) and having strong opinions finding a therapist just sounds like so much work to likely just end up frustrated.
Anyway. I’m going to continue laying in my bed until I want another cigarette even though I really need to grocery shop because I work the next 2 nights in a row and never run errands after work in the morning.

As a lot of people, I used to restrict and developed even worse eating patterns in my recovery from it than I had before I was anorexic. I’m now at my heaviest I’ve ever been and though I’m already greatly suffering from it, I had at least avoided body checking too much. But yesterday I filmed my nude body as a way to know what I look like (I don’t have any mirror big enough in my apartment to have a full view of my body, which is a blessing). When I saw my body, I felt like I was in a panic attack. I couldn’t stop repeating “this can’t be what I look like” over and over again. With my transness and general genetics, I gain weight in a “male” pattern (obviously that’s not how that works and plenty of cis women also have this) in that I carry all of my weight in my back and stomach and none at my hips.
I feel so hopeless because my life is starting to place itself a little after such a long depressive period, but I’m at a point where I don’t want anyone to ever look at me. This is exactly what I spent my anorexia years fearing, telling myself I couldn’t recover because that’s what I’d look like and now I look exactly as I feared I would.
I’m seeing a therapist, I have some friends, but it’s hard to get hope because no amount of therapy can change that my body is the exact opposite of beauty standards in every aspect. I haven’t been able to find one person willing to date me in over two years and my body has only made it harder. My hatred for my appearance has controlled my life since I was 16 and I want to be free but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do when I can’t escape the immense disadvantages that come with looking the way I do. I just want peace. I don’t need to be a model I just need not to look like this. I’m already treated badly for so many other things, I don’t want this along with it.
I’m 27 and my life is messier than it’s ever been. It’s hard to work on myself when I feel like this and it creates this cycle of self hatred and inaction
I wish I could spend one day without obsessing over my body
Sorry for the rant, but I have nowhere else to talk about it today and I didn’t want to sit in my own emotions.

i’ve never had someone comment on my body in this way. i’ve been called skinny and i’ve been called fat and i’ve been objectified but she’s the first person to straight up say “you lost weight!! how.” it makes me mad uncomfortable because i try to approach life with a recovery mindset, so i don’t comment on anyone’s weight or act like weight loss is inherently good. and it’s kinda jarring when im living life with a body positivity mindset that i FORCED myself to have, and then someone just comes up and confirms all the things i’ve had to unlearn. it almost made me sick just how excited i was when she said it to me. because i view it as an inappropriate thing to say but at the end of the day i am still anorexic and i still want to be thin more than i want to be alive to enjoy it.
idk just having some conflicting feelings. i’ve been at a weird point with my disorder, where im doing fine mentally but my eating habits are pretty dire and im at risk of fucking myself up for real. it’s the classic cycle of too nauseous to eat -> being hungry makes you nauseous -> being nauseous makes it impossible to eat. like i’ve literally been in this rut for months now and i don’t even know how to like food anymore. it’s starting to feel like im never going to get better, and maybe i don’t even want to.

So like the title says, but I’ve been riding for most of my life from 6-now (21) and I showed hunters, jumpers, and equitation in middle school-high school and it really contributed to my eating disorder. I was a lot taller than my peers and so I naturally weighed more and I had some baby fat but at 12 when I showed for the first time, I really started to notice it. I wanted to be small like my barn friends. Obviously they were other factors contributing to my ED and no one I’ve ever ridden with or for ever made any comments about my weight when I was slightly bigger but I still felt it.
I became full blown diagnosed anorexic at 15 and I’ve cycled between AN-R and AN-B/P ever since. I feel like showing exacerbated it. The thinner I got, the better I placed in hunters and especially eq. When I was 19, I finally became what I had thought was the picture perfect rider. Tall, long legs, and rail thin. At my worst, I was 105lbs at 5’9, sure I thought I looked great and I still rode fine and placed well but the only reason was due to pure adrenaline and I was also taking an insane amount of TW:drug use adderall for my ADHD I felt awful. It took everything in me to do anything. Riding, cleaning stalls, feeding, everything. I felt dead. A lot of the time I felt like I was going to pass out on my horse, I look back with so much shame and regret that I could’ve injured my horse.
I’m not as thin as I used to be but I’m still underweight at 120lbs and I really want to recover and I stopped showing at 19 almost 3 years ago, but I’m still afraid of not being super light and able to ride anything and look extremely thin on any horse. It sucks. I want to be healthy so badly. Anyone else ride and feel the same?

I’ve finally made it through the first year of my first job. I should be happy and proud of myself but I’m simply exhausted and frustrated. I don’t really want to resign for the sake of my career, it’s my first job, I know na sayang kung Di manlang ako maka-two years, as I’ve been often told na important yun sa application sa iba, lalo na sa pag-abroad which I fully intend to do.
Kaso
My coworkers are all cnts. YES, literal cnts. Specifically -unethical- c*nts. In my one year working with them, on a DAILY basis, they have poked fun of my:
• Weight. I have been anorexic for a greater part of my life (they are aware of this) and am currently on birth control pills because my fiancé and I are simply not ready for kids yet. Almost on an hourly schedule I am the center of attention for being made fun of for being on the heavy side. This is the heaviest I’ve ever been but I never really even noticed because I’m relatively still healthy, I eat clean, and I’m still active. But being called and sometimes referred/yelled to as “taba or baboy” hurts t*ngina araw araw ba naman.
•Mental state. They know (because I had to tell my superior) about my clinically diagnosed depression and that I am on medication. So kung Hindi ako si taba or baboy ako si baliw. Who’s always blamed for literally anything and everything because “Baka Di nanaman uminom ng gamot” even though usually if not always things they pin on me aren’t even my fault/doing. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day ma-PDEA ako because they always call me an addict at kung Ano Ano tinitira na droga dahil lang sa anti depressive meds ko na they keep calling “anti psychotic”
•Skills. They know when they hired me that I am relatively new and still have a lot to learn but they frequently shame me even in front of or directly to customers at Kahit sa mga janitor na parang ang tanga tanga ko. Kaya Kahit Wala naman Alam sa trabaho namin minamaliit ako. Tapos magtataka sila kung Bakit Hindi ako confident or Bakit Walang May gusto sakin na customer.
•Past. Nung bago pa ko sakanila syempre dumating yung point na nag-open up ako sa mga tanong nila about sa life ko. So nalaman nila na galing ako sa abusive at traumatic na relationship to the very last detail, which is apparently so hilarious to them. They often take jabs at me regarding what happened to me.
•Present. My fiancé is considerably handsome and doesn’t look his age at all in part with his addiction to the gym he keeps a very fit body and has no vices. My future in-laws are just the best and most loving angels I could’ve prayed for. Both our families are on the good side financially. So coworkers always try to mess with my head that presumably because I look the way I do or because my head is not perfectly “stable” that my fiancé will eventually cheat on me or leave for someone better, and that my in laws are fakes who will show their true sides one day. Implying that I shouldn’t go through with my wedding.
I have never made fun of anything about them, never started nothing with nobody.
But at what point are jokes still jokes. I can’t recall a time I asked for their opinions or observations.
My superior told me kung maasar or mapikon ako problema ko na yun talo daw ako. I can’t address this with the boss kase mag best friends sila. Wala kaming HR.
It’s to the point where I cry everytime I wake up, in the shower, before getting out the car, and as soon as I get home.
I’m scared na masayang lahat ng pagtitiis ko kung Hindi maging enough ang 1 year experience sa resume ko. I’m scared na mahirapan ako makahanap ng bagong trabaho. I’m scared to pick the wrong decision.

hi all! ive never EVER had troubles with constipation in my life- not even when i was anorexic and malnourished. however, for the past week or so i havent been able to actually shit. (side note- constipation started right after i had acupuncture for the first time, and yes there were needles in my stomach, as well. might just be a coincidence, not totally sure tho.) i have tried maximum strength laxatives, miralax, magnesium citrate, milk of magnesia, eating more fiber, stomach massages, exercising more, magnesium and aloe supplements, prune juice, hot coffee, and probably more that i cant remember. the only thing that happens when i use these is i get diarrhea and all i shit out is the food that i ate a few hours prior (sometimes i end up shitting literal stomach acid). but i never actually poop out whats been stuck inside of me for at least a week. i eat healthy and i go on daily walks and occasional runs so im so confused as to why this is happening. also, when i feel my stomach i can feel that the shit has built up all the way to my ribs lol. i have a doctors appointment in three days but i hate feeling like this so i would appreciate any advice 😭🙏

Trigger warning abuse, eating disorder
I am 17 years old with a severe eating disorder and am almost completely disabled due to this as well as other mental health disorders. I passed high school with zero wiggle room and am unable to work because of my mental state. To my mother (54), I am selfish due to my behaviors, and at this point I have given up on proving her wrong and have turned into her abuser.
For years she has ridiculed the way I eat, and as my disorder persisted I stopped sharing food as well as started stealing her money for food. I financially abused my mom, using her debit card without asking. We are not poor by any means, but my mom stopped buying me food because it would be wasted, either not being eaten or thrown up. Our relationship has always been dominated by fighting, and the stealing only amplified this.
I havent stolen from her in months, though she still brings it up. Nowadays, she has been buying food in hopes that I eat healthy and adequately, but I throw up maybe 95% of all the food I eat. She knows this, and her words surrounding anything I eat are so painful, especially with how uncomfortable I am eating in front of anybody. She has all these weird attitudes around how I eat and it feels like she's an extension of my anorexic brain. I am not supposed to: cook unless I share, eat after 9pm, keep food I either buy (or steal......) for myself, or go to the grocery store on my own. I never follow any of these rules. Naturally, she gets up in my face and begs to see what I cook, eat, and where I go. She is more aggressive with her scolding each time and I am not strong enough to suck it up and ignore her.
"I hate you", "you're a terrible mother", "you're so stupid/fat/mean/etc" are all things I've shouted at this woman. I dont know if I really believe any of this or not, because I dont feel sorry at all, despite all the times I have apologized. I honestly want to hurt her with my words, but they're not enough to get her to shut up and stop screaming purposefully triggering things at me. I have started to get physical, slapping her, kicking her, and pushing her away in an attempt to get her to leave me alone. I have even pulled a knife on her twice because I just get so violently angry.
It doesn't make sense why I escalate our arguments , except it's genuinely the only way she will ever understand that her words will get somebody hurt, and me threatening to kill myself and actively cutting myself is not enough expression of how much pain she has put me in just through insults. If she truly believes how selfish and disgusting she claims I am, then why shouldn't I prove her right?
Tl;dr: My mother thinks I am a bad person do to my eating disorder, we fight and call each other names, I slap her around because I'm an abusive piece of shit and don't know how to calm the situation down.
Obviously this isnt "ELDER" abuse but shes old in my eyes lmaooo

F(17), been depressed for some time and abandoned all physical activity. I started judo but gave up due to spinal issues. When I exercised, I felt so confident. That's why I started again. Now my parents accuse me of starving myself, thinking I'm desperate to be skinny (I'm not, I love my body). They make awful comments whenever I eat, like: "Look how little she's eating, she wants to be anorexic so bad." My dad says women are meant to "have meat on their bones." I want to exercise to feel energetic, but they think I just want to be skinny. How to not care about their comments?

I've been thinking, is it possible to be biologically and naturally on the bigger side? I know that bodies like obese or anorexic are not "natural" per say, but a bit bigger or smaller than the average?
I have a really hard time losing the fat left on my body. I'm not obese nor skinny, I'm just a bit plump. My face is very round, but I've been going to the gym for 3 years so my body is quite muscular, but there's also some fat on top of the muscles. A bit stocky I guess. Growing up people always called me "robust", as a nicer way of saying muscular but fluffy.
This is just anecdotal, but I've noticed that people who often start life a bit overweight and then lose later, always keep their calf muscles. And I've seen the memes about growing calf muscles and that some are just genetically gifted with big calves. I have always had big calves and when I've seen other people with a similar body type to mine (mesomorph) lose weight, their "skinnier selves" are still very stocky and rectangular looking, but very fit and well proportioned due to calves and forearms being muscular and defined. I always wondered if it could be a pointer to how your body genetically might hold and hold-on-to excess weight? Calves could ofc have developed from having to bear more weight and therefore developing over time, but just throwing it out there as I find it fascinating.
What I'm really thinking is, I've lost weight and built muscle. I went from a slight overweight stocky look to a more healthy mesomorph look. But I've been in a platoe for about 2 years and the last bit is SO stubborn. I still have the round face and slight double chin. My body and head almost don't match. I have some on my hips and stomach too but I don't "look" as fluffy anymore, but I could still lose some yknow. After trying almost everything, I am left wondering if I'm naturally just built to look this way? I currently switched to a more keto-like diet as I think the carbs are probably what my body clings to the hardest. If I'm ever going to see an ab muscle or get a defined jawline I think I have to push myself to a point where people who are not into fitness would say l am "being a bit extreme" by refusing to eat pasta and bread.
Are there any other mesomorph type people like me who have shed this last bit of fat and managed to keep it off in a non-manic way? And if so, how, what, why?

Direct download link.
* Judge Fischer, the one Rekieta insulted on a stream, signed the warrant.
* Quotes from here on: It was reported from a church preschool teacher that the children had complained of being hungry, not being fed, and wearing the same clothes for 3 to 4 days at a time and would start to smell. Nicholas was reported to being lethargic and appeared high or drugged driving a car around. Another individual advised the reported that Nicholas will walk out randomly during sermons at church and have noticed behavorial changes in him. It was alleged that Kayla looks anorexic and Nicholas lost a substantial amount of weight recently. One individual described Nicholas of having injection or track marks on his arms. The reporter reiterated concerns for possible neglect and/or controlled substance use within the home.
* Nicholas is known to drink alcoholic beverages excessively on these video blogs. I immediately noted that Nicholas's appearance in recent months has changed. In videos from January 2024 to May 2024, Nicholas appears to have lost weight, appears tired, and overall appears "strung out", common with controlled substance users.
* He appears in the video to be drinking alcoholic beverages and eventually appears under the influence of a substance or substances. The entire video blog is 4 hours and 4 minutes long. Approximately 2:46 into the video, Nicholas leaves to go to the restroom. When he returns at 2:50:40, he appears to be making an excited look and has a white powdery substance on his nose. Your Affiant believes his behavior is indicative of Central Nervous System Stimulants. Your Affiant believes based on training and experience as well as the behavior of Nicholas, that he ingested this white powdery substance through his nasal cavity while off camera. Your Affiant knows through training and experience that ingesting controlled substance through a nasal cavity is common amongst controlled substance users and is often referred to as "snorting". Your Affiant also noted throughout the video, Nicholas is so under the influence of a substance to the point he has to close one eye to read the screen, rambles and slurs his speech. Nicholas would obviously not be able to care for his children in this state of intoxication.

• Species: Cat
• Age: 1 yr
• Sex/Neuter status: Female
• Breed: Exotic Shorthair
• Body weight: 2.4 kg's
• History: Unknown
• Clinical signs: Underweight, gags when eating dry food
• Duration: 3 weeks
• Your general location: Sweden

I naively thought that a CFA pedigree meant that the breeders as well as the couriers they deal withe legitimate. They were not. I might have a pedigree, but that doesn't change the fact that my cat came with half rotten paws from being left to sit in urine for a week. She obviously didn't eat for a week.
I've been blending her food into a paste she can lick up, but it's not sustainable since she only eats a little at a time. I can't be home all day. Despite feeling like an anorexic stick figure, she has a lot of energy. I wouldn't be worried if not for the elongated nipples. Just wondering if it's possible to get her to eat dry food. She did eat some in the beginning, but then the gagging started.
They went to the vet when they arrived. I couldn't afford blood tests due to the chest x-ray on another girl. Can likely afford blood testing next month. (I budgeted for medical expenses, but x-rays are pricey without insurance.)

• Lying about side effects of medicine. Not simply failing to tell me all the possible side effects, straight up lying.
  
• Insistence on increasing medication dosages up to max dose and/or trying new similar medications despite persistent negative side effects with zero benefit. Finally getting off antidepressants was ironically a good thing for my depression.
  
• Constant threats to use force/restraint for the slightest disobedience.
  
• A psychiatrist blackmailing me into getting committed by threatening to ILLEGALLY breach confidentiality. I could have probably sued over this but I had no one to stand up for me.
  
• Forcefeeding, no comment.
  
• Family and staff are taught to dehumanize patients. For example, the distress a person shows when being forcefed or restrained isn't really the person, but rather the illness "crying out". This is something they repeatedly use to cope with the fact that they're hurting people.
  
• Despite the previous point, they had the nerve to say that I'm the one lacking empathy.
  
• When you have a psychiatric diagnosis, all unrelated physical complaints are shoved under that as well (for example, headaches, stomach aches, fatigue).
  
• I was told that my lack of trust in people was the symptom of a personality disorder by a psych ward doctor... after I was blackmailed into hospitalization by the last person I trusted.
  
• I was also told that I was "paranoid" for taking basic safety measures and caring about my privacy
  
• Constant pathologizing of body language and mannerisms. I am less expressive than most people but this was twisted into a symptom ("flat affect")
  
• Similarly, therapists overfocus on your body language like in those shitty true crime videos. It feels violating and probably made my flat affect even worse.
  
• Personality traits are also pathologized if the psychiatrist doesn't like them, i.e being cold.
  
• Gaslighting, if I had to describe psychiatry in one word it'd be it: constant gaslighting.
  
• Therapists project their own personal issues and beliefs onto you. If you see a psychiatrist who specializes in trauma, your problem is always trauma. If you see one who specializes in personality disorders, you always have a personality disorder. If you see one who's big on medication, your problem is always a chemical imbalance.
  
• Similarly, I've had a couple therapists who were obsessed with religion and politics, guess what they thought my problems were rooted in.
  
• When I was hospitalized, I had a nurse praise me for watching my diet and weight... I was anorexic.
  
• One also basically called me a slur lol
  
• Generally speaking every therapist judges your entire brain based off a split second impression. It's impossible to know a person after a couple hours, yet therapists feel confident in making judgements on your brain and personality after that time.
  
• Getting three completely different explanations from three different psychiatrists about the same diagnosis.
  
• I've had therapists claim that certain events in my life were "traumatic", despite the fact that they have not affected me in the slightest, and focus on that instead of my actual problems. Obviously they know better than me because they are therapists.
  
• I've had multiple therapists start crying mid-session and make it about their feelings instead. Thank God I didn't pay for that shit.
  
• Psychiatrists try to get you to trust them and then betray you by placing you in a hold whenever you mention being suicidal
  
• I've had social services send a fucking email to my parents after I reported child abuse, it's almost funny in a morbid way.
  

I'm an adult now and I've decided I'll never see a psychiatrist again. I'm done with this shit.

Ok for some context - from April-September 2023 I (20M) went on a borderline anorexic crash diet where I was eating 1 meal a day (400 calories a day, if that) and exercising like crazy, and I lost a shit tonne of weight in that small amount of time (nearly 6 stone in total). In December 2023 I began noticing I was losing hair (although my guess is that it started some time before that but I wasn't aware of it) - I never lost clumps, but I could feel the hair falling onto my face 24/7 (it felt like little specs of dust sticking to my face), I'd end up with at least 5 strands of hair in my hands whenever I ran them through it, and my hair looked noticeably thinner (you could see my scalp in the light). It peaked around Christmas, and I thought there was something seriously wrong with me and that I was going bald, and got super depressed about it because I love my hair. I had the worst Christmas ever - I cannot even listen to songs I was listening to in December 2023 or look at photos I took then because they remind me of how anxious and depressed I felt.
Since then I've fixed my diet (now eating 3 proper meals a day with protein, carbs, and veggies) and the shedding has been slowly going back to normal. Anyway, I'm now nearing the 6 month mark and I've noticed that my hair is starting to thicken up - it feels thicker, and I can no longer see my scalp in the light. Also, I have been noticing that if I part my hair upwards, and then gently tease a finger down towards my forehead, there are some tiny hairs which stick up. My hair hasn't fully returned to normal shedding, but it's gotten better. Is this the light at the end of the tunnel? Could this be the first visible signs of recovery and regrowth? Did anyone else experience this?