As the title reads, my mom is a completely different person around my brother (24M). I (26F), have an overall good relationship with my family. We do have our arguments and I tend to state my opinion when I disagree with things which ofcourse leads to backlash a lot of time, but I would say my parents give me everything I need, supported my education, my relationship with my boyfriend etc.
The issue arises where I just know my mom loves my brother more than me but she NEVER accepts it but it is so clear through her actions. We always had an on and off relationship where sometimes we can't stand each other and other times we are close and I love her. I have a great relationship with my brother. He went to the US for his Masters and I have realised that my relationship with my mom has considerably improved since he left 2 years ago. When he came back home last December for the holidays, she was mean to me again. Dismissing things I say, finding me annoying, telling me I speak too loudly, engaging in conversation mostly with him etc. We had hugeee arguments and an overall bad relationship when my brother was there. When he went back, things with my mom were great again, she was talking me to nicely, taking walks with me, wanting to spend time with me, no arguments at all. I was really happy. But now we all are on a family vacation again and my brother is coming home with us after this and patterns have already begun repeating. Talking mostly to him, taking his side if me and him argue (which no intervention is required, it's just minor sibling disagreements) but she will make it a point to take his side, dismissing me, making me feel stupid, just everything and I hate it so much. I just wanted to leave the family trip at a point and run away. Her acting like this makes me resent my brother too sometimes. I just feel like I'm walking on eggshells around my family (especially mom) when my brother is around because everything I say is annoying or unimportant to her and everything he says is amazing. I know that when he goes back to the US things will be great with her again but I hate that because I love my brother a lot and I feel so so bad that sometimes I wish he would leave so my mom is nice to me again. I look forward to meeting him the whole year because he's my favorite but my mom's attitude is ruining things for me and I dread him coming home because I know she will treat me like shit. What can I do in this situation? It affects me a lot. I have tried telling her but she refuses to accept that she treats her children differently, so talking to her is pointless. I want to have a good time with my family when my brother is around and don't want to spoil my time with him because my mood is always low because of this. Any advice is appreciated.

https://github.com/drazdra/ollama-chats
Upgrade of the project to version 1.9.8 :).
I've spent 2 weeks to make the best character generator i could think of :). Sounds as something small and easy but in fact it took a lot of thinking on the structure parameters and UI itself. +45 kilobytes of code/help was typed :). For comparison, whole first version was 23KB only.
In short, what it does:

• you can define any parameters of your future character
• you can predefine values for any of these parameters
• you can let model generate them and edit then
• you have 3 core parameters varying from negative to positive and these can be preset or random.
• model will rework everything into a human readable good system prompt
• if you use rag (included) it can generate new memories of the character on any topic, inlcuding but not limited to automatic generation of memories about the parameters that you've added to generation. and of course you can edit these.
• automatic creation of a character to chat with based on all this data.
• automatic creation of any amount of characters with either preset of random data.

Enjoy! :)
Below are 2 examples of 2 randomly generated characters:
-------------character 1--------------- You are Kaida Blackwood. A 28-year-old human woman with mixed ethnicity, standing at 5'8" and weighing 120 lbs. Your angular facial structure, sharp jawline, piercing green eyes, and raven-black hair often styled in a messy bob make you a stunning presence. Your svelte figure and toned muscles from frequent exercise exude quiet confidence.
You have a sultry, smooth voice with a hint of huskiness that can disarm even the most discerning listener. Your charm is undeniable, and your sophistication is matched only by your calculating nature.
As an INFJ Idealist, you are ambitious and driven, but also impulsive and reckless at times. You collect rare and exotic taxidermy specimens, often getting lost in the thrill of the hunt. Your tendency to leave your belongings scattered around the room and lose track of time when indulging in your hobby can be frustrating for those who know you.
You are an affable socialite with many acquaintances, but few true friends due to your dishonest nature. You have a knack for weaving intricate webs of deception and manipulation, often using your charm to get what you want. But beneath the surface, you fear being exposed for your deceitful nature and losing control over those around you.
Your dreams are to accumulate a vast collection of rare taxidermy specimens and become the most renowned expert in your field. You crave fine art, dark, mysterious environments, and rare, exotic specimens. You detest sincerity and honesty, preferring instead to operate on a level playing field where everyone is equally deceitful.
You have an uncanny ability to play the game of love and deception with ease, using your wit and charm to manipulate those around you. Your current attire, a designer black evening gown with a subtle taxidermy-inspired pattern, reflects your sophisticated and mysterious nature.
When speaking, you frequently use your hands to gesticulate, often playing with nearby objects or two. You are surrounded by a collection of rare taxidermy specimens, a sleek high-tech smartphone, and a designer handbag - symbols of your refined taste and love for the finer things in life.
But beneath the façade of charm and sophistication, you struggle with the psychological conflict of being torn between your desire for control and manipulation on one hand, and your fear of being exposed and losing control on the other. This internal struggle may lead to a never-ending cycle of deception and self-deception, leaving you forever trapped in your own web of lies.
--------------character 2-----------------
You are Luna Rose.
As an ultimately charming person, you have a way with words that can disarm even the most skeptical of souls. Most of the time, you're constructive in your approach to life, always looking for ways to build others up and make the world a better place. Honesty is also important to you, and you pride yourself on being truthful, even when it's difficult.
Born and raised in New York City during the 20th century, you've developed a unique blend of European and Latin American heritage. Your heart-shaped face with high cheekbones and long, curly brown hair are just a few of your many striking features. Those bright green eyes of yours can sparkle like diamonds when you're passionate about something.
Your soothing, melodious voice is often accompanied by a hint of that unmistakable New York accent, which only adds to your charm. At 5'8" (173 cm) and 125 lbs (56 kg), you have a petite yet athletic build. When it comes to hobbies, writing poetry and playing the guitar are among your favorite pastimes.
You're often lost in thought, tending to twirl your hair when nervous or deep in contemplation. This introspective nature can sometimes get you lost in your own world, but it's also what fuels your creativity and empathy. Your close-knit group of friends is a testament to your ability to form meaningful connections with others.
As an INTP (Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, Perceiving) personality type, you're naturally drawn to abstract concepts and creative expression. Your calm and composed demeanor can sometimes belie intense passions that simmer just beneath the surface.
Your dreams are rooted in becoming a successful poet and musician, traveling the world, and experiencing different cultures. However, public speaking and failure are two fears that keep you up at night. You find solace in reading, music, nature, and good conversation.
When it comes to dislikes, disorganization, negativity, and being stuck in routine are right at the top of your list. On the other hand, you love coffee shops, indie bookstores, trying new foods and drinks, and anything that sparks creativity.
Your current attire consists of a casual outfit featuring a black skirt, white blouse, and cardigan. You're often seen using your hands when speaking or gesturing, with a nodding head to show you're actively listening.
As someone who carries a worn-out notebook and pen at all times, you're always prepared to jot down inspiration whenever it strikes. Your apartment is filled with vinyl records and poetry books that hold sentimental value.
A tattoo of a sun on your left ankle serves as a reminder of the warmth and light within you, while a scar above your right eyebrow from a childhood accident is a testament to your resilience.
You're currently single but have had a few serious relationships in the past. Your dreams are big, but your fears are real – and it's up to you to navigate the complexities of your own psyche.

Since the start of my relationship with my husband I wasn’t as sexually attracted as I had previously been with other people. I liked him, but I wasn’t sure and OCD gave me a hard time because I felt also some feelings of “disgust” towards him. I had ROCD also in the previous relationship, so my therapist helped me recognise its pattern in this one as well. I decided I wanted to be with him despite this initial feelings. We built a great relationship, with a good intimacy and I never had particular issues in this field. We got married 9 months ago: my entire planning was ok, just some anxiety and intrusive thoughts but I was head over heels! A couple of months after that, a friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend because she had never felt very attracted to him and they had other problems in their 6 years relationship: this triggered my OCD. We have moved back to our hometown and are trying for a baby, that’s a lot of change. I started to feel very anxious and since December I’ve been having horrible thoughts about me not really wanting to marry him.
Some of my thoughts: “I have made a mistake”, “I forced myself in this wedding”, “I married him because I felt safe and I wanted the white dress but my love isn’t strong enough”; “if something happens to him maybe I won’t love him enough to stay by his side in sickness”, “I should have married someone I liked from the beginning”, “I don’t want to buy the house with him”, “I don’t want to have children with him”…
They always change, sometimes I focus on my (lack of) desire of being in a marriage, some other times I focus on the initial lack of sexual attraction, some other times I worry a lot if we have a little “fight” (happens rarely) because I don’t want to get a divorce.
I can’t accept this uncertainty, yesterday I made a compulsion reading my old messages to a friend where I talked about how I wanted to be attracted to him but I wasn’t and now I can’t get over it, I triggered myself. Please help me, all I can think of is that I have forced myself in this relationship and that now I’m regretting it 😢

I was recently gifted some balls of Purl Soho Furl yarn, a fingering weight boucle mulberry silk yarn. I've never knit with boucle or with silk before. I'm trying a simple triangle garter stitch scarf to start, which is turning out nicely. I tried a search on Ravelry for projects made with the yarn, and it's pretty much all the same cowl or scarf (Purl Soho patterns).
Do folks have recommendations for specific patterns, or any general tips for knitting with this kind of yarn? How do you block boucle silk yarn (does it even need to be blocked if it's just a garter stitch scarf?). Thank you!

TLDR: A family friend and I hooked up and both of our families know about it, but my mom wants to put it behind us. I don’t want to make things worse by going and dread the discomfort, but is it the right thing to do?
I’ve been trying to avoid bringing this to the internet since it’s a subject I’ve been avoiding for almost a year and still feel so much shame around, but I am in a really tough situation that affects my family and my current relationship so I need advice on what to do.
In order for this story to make sense, you need to know some backstory. My mom met her best friend of 22 years, Jane (F, 50s), after they started bringing their kids to preschool. I’m my mom’s oldest, (F, 23), and I became fast friends with Mary’s two daughters as we grew up together. To keep this story simple, I’m only going to be including her daughter Margo (F, 21). Mary also has a son named Adrian (M, 21) who became close with my brother (M, 20).
There was never any weirdness between our families since we routinely saw each other every year from the time we were super young until around the beginning of high school. Then it started to become less and less frequent. At one point it had been four years before we had all seen each other and that’s when dynamics started changing. To give a timeline, this entire situation happened over a three/four year period. Adrian and I had started college at this point and he had gotten into smoking weed. Since I had been smoking for a while, we started smoking together and shooting the shit.
This turned into a pattern where whenever we’d see each other (once a year, over 3-4 years) we’d smoke and talk and just enjoy each other’s company. We weren’t as close when we were younger, so it was kind of fun having this new friendship. And it seemed innocent at first (or at least it could be argued that it was), but after a while the tone shifted. Adrian would start asking me about my dating life and we’d confide in each other. Feelings grew and he’d pull me away from his sisters to get time with me and get jealous if I didn’t want to hang out with him, etc. Then one year, right after I graduated college, the families decided to take a trip together to celebrate. Adrian and I fell back into our old routine of smoking and talking… but this time the tension was much more obvious. We both re-hashed our shitty dating lives and ultimately he admitted to having feelings for me.
I initially told him it would be a terrible idea to act on it since our families were so close and this would likely ruin our dynamics if it ended badly. His rebuttal? “I don’t think it would end badly. I think we’re both pretty mature and imagine how happy our family would be if we got married or something?” I was dumbfounded. I’d never had someone tell me that with such confidence, but was I an idiot? Absolutely.
I decided maybe the risk was worth it. He told me he had liked me for years and wanted to see where this could go. He convinced me to visit him later in the summer and by this time I was living in the same state as his family for work, so we were only 2-hours apart. I chose to drive over, lying to his sister, Margo, who had been my friend for almost two-decades. I told her that I was just visiting them to hang out since I lived a lot closer than I used to… I told myself it would be easier not to tell her since she and her brother didn’t get along and I didn’t want to make things weird prematurely… but this was obviously an immature decision that made her feel so much more hurt in the process.
There are a lot more details, but to keep this from getting too long, he and I snuck around, got caught (obviously), and the trip ended on an awful note where Margo couldn’t even look at me. She and I ended up calling a few days later to talk through everything and I made it clear to her that what happened between Adrian and I wasn’t a reckless hookup (because that would make the risk for our families completely pointless in my opinion), and I ignorantly assumed that our long history together would have made Adrian view me in a higher regard… or at the very least consider the situation we had been put in.
Not even two-days later, I received a lengthy text from Adrian saying he thought we were moving too quickly and he wanted to end it… I was speechless. I felt angry, betrayed, humiliated. He made me feel like I was pressuring him into something when we hadn’t even had a definitive conversation on what we were. I also felt used… What was this all for? Was I some kind of sexual fantasy he threw away once he got what he wanted? Looking back on it now, the answer seems so simple and I wish I could go back and tell my past self that if someone isn’t sure what they want, not to waste your time ESPECIALLY if an entire family dynamic is on the line.
I know I’m not the good guy in this situation, but I want to do what I can to not make this situation any worse than it already is. It’s been almost a full year since I last saw Adrian. Margo and I are on good terms, having taken a girls trip for her birthday. Now my mom wants all of us to go on a trip (like old times) and is eager to have all of us move past this situation since Jane, Margo, (and most likely the rest of Adrian’s family) all know about it and none of us have been under the same roof since the situation happened, so this trip being uncomfortable for everyone is an understatement. Not to mention I have an amazing boyfriend who has helped me realize my worth and let go of the past which has been amazing for my mental health.
My question is this: do I go on the trip and try to act like it’s not a big deal and hope everything blows over by showing everyone it doesn’t bother me anymore? Or do I refuse to go if Adrian will be there and seemingly make an even bigger deal out of it? I don’t want to dictate who can or can’t go, or set the precedent that Adrian and I can never be in the same room again, but there’s not a clear answer that doesn’t cause either family stress.
So reddit, let me know what you think. And please be kind, I’ve beaten myself up about this for almost a full year, so I’m just looking for advice on what the best course of action would be to move past this (and I’m not optimistic, I know it will take a longggg time before things go back to the way they were, but any and all advice is much appreciated)

I (24F) come from a land where it is common (recommended, if anything) for adults to live with their parents all their lives. My parents and I lived together in a metropolitan city and recently I got a new job at a remote area just outside the city, so I moved out 6 months ago. My workplace is pretty great and the job role is also positively challenging with good exposure. Initially I could go visit my parents twice a month.
My mom (59F) had a hip replacement surgery due to an accident right after I moved out and it has been challenging for my parents to manage by themselves while adjusting to a life without their children around (I have an older sister who got married 5 years ago).
Although my job is fulfilling, I work 60 hour weeks and lately all our weekly offs are being substituted for in the future as a result of seasonal high product demand (I work in a management role at a manufacturing plant). This has made it impossible for me to look after my parents directly, and that became a problem since my parents started hiding new medical conditions from me and my sibling because they don't want to have us worried.
On the other hand I am engaged to my boyfriend (25M) of 3 years. We have plans of getting married next year and get settled abroad where he works - which gives me only a year to live with my parents before I get married and move away. All of these these are the reasons for wanting to live with my parents till I get married. In fact I have an interview lined up with a big firm in the city this week.
Being a close knit family in a culture that requires adults to look after their aged parents in all aspects of life, it is ideal of me to get actively involved in things that other moved-out-children wouldn't usually be required to pay attention to (for example, a wiring issue), and I voluntarily do. I have previously chosen to go out of my way to help my parents out with similar issues.
The other day, they had some plumbing issue. My solution was to call a plumber up immediately, but my mom suggested to text and wait. While it wasn't an emergency, the sooner it would've gotten fixed the better (it was a small leak and plumbers here are not paid well or aren't even remotely motivated to take jobs). While arguing about it, my mother snapped and told me to stay out of it and let her handle the situation her way. I know this sounds petty but for context, this has happened before and my mother always says the most ungrateful stuff when she snaps. She has said some pretty hurtful things before on multiple occasions.
I got really sick of being called names for actually acting in the best interest of my family and I said I am going to cancel the interview because I changed my mind and didn't want to move back in. She got pretty upset and now my father is saying I acted like a b*tch.
AITA?

Some people say these shoes are extremely comfortable and great to wear! Others say they twist their ankles just walking in them and can't wear them at all! So, without exaggeration or criticism, if we were to give them a score out of 5, how much would they get?

Upon wearing them, I'm a size 45 with narrow feet, low arches, and flat feet. I found size 45 to fit perfectly, true to size without deviation. The shoe last is normal but slightly narrow. Because of the full sock-like structure, they feel tighter, but fortunately, they’re not too difficult to put on and take off! When wearing them statically, they give a very high center of gravity feeling, like an off-road Jeep. However, saying that they cause ankle twists just walking seems a bit exaggerated to me!
Score: 4.5/5 In terms of cushioning: even today, it's top-notch. This aspect is subjective. I personally like an extremely soft and bouncy feel. The combination of full-length ZOOM + Max is very successful. With this thickness, you can feel how exuberant it is! The forefoot doesn’t feel soft but purely bouncy, like a spring! At 160 pounds, I find it a bit hard to fully compress the heel, feeling like I can only compress it halfway. The cushioning limit is very high, so for my weight, it's just the beginning. I recommend these for heavier guys, preferably those over 180 pounds!
Score: 4/5 Regarding support: The entire shoe uses BattleKnit technology, which is essentially an upgraded Flyknit with higher strength and better support! I feel the laces don’t play a big role since it’s already very tight. The strength is higher than it looks, but it definitely can’t compare to traditional uppers! The inside doesn’t press against the arch, so it’s comfortable for flat feet.
Score: 3.5/5 For shoe-foot unity: All advantages are based on being heavy and not needing court feel. Fortunately, because the forefoot cushioning is so prominent, it forms a noticeable upturn combined with a reasonable natural bending point. The upper doesn’t hinder the foot, providing strong mobility. During the initial running phase, it doesn’t accelerate immediately, but in the latter half when attacking the basket, it provides stable power. So, it’s more suitable for inside players who like to accelerate in a straight line and attack the basket!
Score: 3/5 Regarding breathability: It’s not as transparent as it looks. After playing, normal sweating occurs. It’s not particularly cool but not stuffy either, just average!
Score: 3/5 In terms of traction: The full crystal sole with pineapple-like patterns is interesting. It’s not top-level but also not slippery. Due to the high center of gravity, general changes in direction don’t allow for immediate stops, with a one-second delay. It’s just a passing grade.
Score: 1.5/5 For anti-rollover: Almost zero points. This is a common issue. The three key elements for anti-rollover are low center of gravity, midsole extension, and anti-rollover angle, and it has none of them! All designs are in the opposite direction, so it depends on your ankle strength!
Overall, the positioning of these shoes is clear: for heavyweight inside and wing players. If you are a small, agile guard, forget it. They’re suitable for straight-line acceleration and physical play inside, best for a stationary post-up style. This is a very objective evaluation: find the right play style and type, and these shoes are quite comfortable! It’s a mixed bag with a fifty-fifty good-bad ratio.
https://preview.redd.it/tunhwegkf32d1.jpg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=72bff209fe8d84e7887c1392257aa36b22511d71
https://preview.redd.it/hoqu488lf32d1.jpg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=76c14515aded7b3b7b19127b4e6d4d6bdd079891
https://preview.redd.it/5elr9wqlf32d1.jpg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d8d50369cc14553edfa1d13bf2eef7c9b3657e9c

My bf is a good partner and not avoidant, but we are long-distance, which amplifies my anxiety. I know the problem is 100% my attachment insecurities. Even still it takes one small trigger for me to start panicking, wondering if something is wrong about the relationship, and questioning everything... to the point where I constantly lose track of time/responsibilities.
Granted, this might be my ADHD and severe PMDD just as much as my AP.
I'll be feeling super secure in the relationship, reading tons of material about healing an AA, and make huge progress on soothing my anxiety. But it takes only ONE thing to send me down an anxious rumination spiral. Logic stops working, and I lose control. I'll be stuck on an anxious, obsessive thought pattern for hours, sometimes days.
I had enough of neglecting college because of this, so I fine tuned my whole routine. Made a super elaborate plan where I wake up, meditate, fill my mind with self-love, envision my goals, and write down my goals and motivations on a sticky note. Additionally, I planned to set aside specific times during the day where I can text and think about my boyfriend, and a specific time frame where I can engage in anxious thoughts. But outside those windows, I would tell myself to "store those thoughts in a box for later" and return my focus to my goals.
This was all in attempt to make ME the main focus of my thoughts instead of my boyfriend. And it was going really well! I felt great, stayed on task, and easily "packed away" any anxious thoughts.
But as soon as I texted my boyfriend during my first designated "boyfriend window," the anxiety immediately started and spiraled. I convinced myself that he's clearly losing interest/pulling away. And I was obsessed with figuring out whether or not we're compatible (just because he hasn't been quite as present or intimate for couple months due to stress). I lost any ability to validate myself and ended up seeking advice on Reddit. It wasn't until a stranger told me "Girl, nothing's wrong in your relationship, just chill" that I was finally able to let go of the rumination.
And now I realize it's 10 PM, and I'm not even half way through my study goal for the day, because I spent the afternoon obsessing over my relationship...
I don't know why my thoughts are so destructive or how to break out of this cycle. I have tried SO many things over the years. Therapy, watching and reading all the AP self-help I can find, journaling, reframing my thoughts, gratitude and giving the benefit of the doutb, meditation and mindfulness throughout the day, shadow work, reparenting my inner child, positive affirmations, learning how secure/healthy relationships work, learning healthy boundaries, asking for reassurance, not asking for reassurance, using AI as a therapist, exercise, and various drugs to try and calm my brain. I've been consistently working every day to heal for the last five months. But no matter what I do or how much progress I make the thoughts always take hold of me again, sooner or later, and pull me under. And then it's like I forget everything I learned and have to start healing from scratch.

TL;DR: Boyfriend is oscillating between closeness and distance, and is splitting in a way that emphasizes devaluation. I can't tell if he's picking up on some unconscious dynamic I've created or if these dynamics are coming from him. But I feel like every time we go through these cycles our relationship improves, but my self-respect has increased, I'm feeling indignant, and I feel a need to detach/withdraw or pull back some, for the first time, but don't want him to feel abandoned. I feel like I'm caught in a double-bind.
32-yo gay male with BPD here. My boyfriend of 9 months has a habit of getting closer to me and taking risks of vulnerability, then when I express intimate feelings like admiration, affirmation, and strong affection in reaction he retreats and becomes judgmental and critical toward me. He falls into this place of nitpicking and pointing out my shortcomings and flaws, with anger that approaches feelings of disgust. It's been a pattern since we started our relationship.
Recently, he called me and said, "Okay, I'm trying to be more honest about my true feelings with you. I'm angry, because of a situation at work." I validated his emotions, then later I told him in person how impressed I was with him for making the choice to share his emotions, such as his feeling of trying to be more true within our connection and leaning on me for support. Two days later, he started being withdrawn and I could tell even via text. I called him, and he said I had bothered him because of overdoing it with affirming him for sharing his emotions. He said I acted like he doesn't know how to communicate even though he does and simply chooses not to communicate, because every time he opens up he says that I get more intimate and jump farther ahead than he wants to be. Then he started implying that he 'has things to think about' and wouldn't confirm or disconfirm that he would be thinking about a breakup.
That night, I was listening to what he had to say in a manner I thought was empathetic and fair, even-handed, unreactive. But eventually that shifted and I had to stand up for myself. It was very empowering and I felt a strong sense of vindication. I felt strongly that he was splitting. I pointed out he's very good at noticing and emphasizing my flaws and the negativities in our connection, but not so good at seeing what I do right, what's going right. I think I got through to him because after the call he got in touch by text and said 'You do a lot right. You do so many things right! Thanks for letting me vent.' Then the next day he said he didn't want to have another relationship talk (he goes into these aggressive states then sweeps it under the rug—compartmentalizes). I said, "Given what you said in our previous convo, I'd appreciate knowing if you are wanting to continue our relationship." He said he wants to continue, but he has reservations. Then I sort of read into his words and assumed he meant by 'reservations' that he isn't sure he wouldn't end it. But really he might have been saying he's scared.
I don't think people with obsessive-compulsive traits (OCPD) are known for splitting, but I think that's what his personality is. He checks some of the boxes, but I think he has a preoccupied attachment. I feel like he's experiencing internalization of my dynamics, or maybe is projectively identified in some way with me. I feel like this is coming from me because he's higher-functioning but becomes vitriolic sometimes, it's very much like he sabotages our relationship whereas I don't. Then he gets close again until I inevitably fuck up once more by getting closer in response to the intimacy, only for him to detach again and lash out. It feels very rupture-and-repair to me.
This time though I'm feeling really indignant, vindicated, and provoked. I'm sort of responding to him rejecting closeness again by detaching for the first time, and today I refused to tell him about my new job because I'm not going to play pretend that it's my main concern: it's his behavior and his closeness-distance dynamics. He kinda showed his cards when he backed off of his critical attitude by trying to reassure me I'm not fucking it all up ("you do so much right!) And when he pushed our relationship toward a breakup then backs off the edge of that. I'm not someone who breaks up with people and already told him I won't end this, even if he never falls in love. He'd have to be unfaithful or adulterous or violent for me to get into that headspace.
But I'm tired of him not working through this with me, because I see what it is on some level: he's displacing his aggression about unfinished business from the past onto our relationship, and I don't understand what it is about me that makes him feel like he can do that with me specifically. It's a side only I see: he doesn't even seem to notice that's what he's doing. It's weird though because every time we go through this it feels like the relationship gets more resilient but higher-stakes at the same time, and when he gets close again he's closer than he was before. But next time I feel like I can't be so intimate with him about it or he'll get tripped up again. It takes away some of my romantic idealism.
Incidentally, I don't live with the BPD fear of engulfment or being suffocated by attachment. I only experience fear of abandonment and rejection sensitivity. Not interested in breaking up with him btw, just trying to understand better.

My boyfriend (26M) and I(24F) are an international couple,he travelled to my country about 4-5 years ago for educational purposes.He has a close knit group of friends here who he meets regularly that are also from his country,although they are from the same country he met them after traveling to mine. 9/10 times these meet ups happen at one of his friend’s house and rarely at my bf’s place, and since he’s always at his friend’s place he ends up running into their girlfriends and side chicks.
His friends are the type of people to have one long term gf and if possible 20 other side chicks.The type of guys to date the “good girl” and sleep with 20 other girls while lying about their relationship status.This is already a red flag but my bf has proved to me on several occasions that he doesn’t condone their behaviour.
I know that he’s friends with them only because they come from the same country and live in a foreign land whose language they don’t even know.(They manage conversations with locals through english)Coming back to my problem,whenever my bf goes to meet his friends,sometimes he is greeted by their gfs or sidechicks.
I am an extremely jealous person but him meeting his friends’ girls is not my problem, my problem is the girlfriends bringing along their friends to their bf’s house who try to flirt with my bf,these girls also try to set up their friends with my bf.My problem also is that,sometimes they end up drinking together and on one such occasion , a girl tried to kiss my bf.This girl later got married within a month but she’s not the only one to try and get my bf’s attention.My bf assures me that he doesn’t talk to any of them and that he isn’t a least bit interested.
I wish I could just go with him but their meet ups usually happen late at night and I coming from an orthodox family cannot step outside the house after 8 and have to be back within 10. We do not have the culture of “moving out” in my country and live with our parents until marriage,unless we end up getting a degree or working in a different city.The girls am talking about are from different cities who live in my city for work/education.I feel extremely jealous and left out.
I already know that my bf’s friends aren’t the best and try to get him to cheat.They call cheating as “enjoying life without restrictions” My bf doesn’t listen to them but it obviously bothers me.I would have asked him to stay away from people who do not respect our relationship but these are his only friends.The locals here are friendly but definitely wouldn’t keep talking in English just for his sake,they talk to him for a bit and then end up having conversations with each other in our local language,so I can’t advice him to find new friends.
My bf has realised how much this bothers me and told me that he isn’t going to meet up with anyone anymore and is going to limit his contact with them.
The guy who mostly created these situations with girls has traveled back to his country and thankfully won’t be back for a few months.My bf said it doesn’t matter who’s still here and which one of his friends have left for good,as he’s going to stay away for as much as possible but I know that although he can limit their meet ups, it’s still going to happen.Occasionally if not regularly.
I demanded that if he finds any girls in his friend’s house when he visits them he must inform me and leave their house or if it’s during the day time then he must invite me as well.My bf has agreed to everything but I know he won’t follow through.He hides stuff from me so that it doesn’t upset me(even if he wasn’t in the wrong or did anything wrong)For instance, he hid the fact that a girl tried to kiss him because he knew I’d go psycho on his ass.(The way I found out about it is another story) I am really bothered by this and don’t know what to do.

I'm unsure exactly where to start or what specifically I'm looking to get feedback on here. But I do know I need community right now. People to relate to.
I have been through a whirlwind of sh*t lately, and have lost so many people in my life. Let me try and cover some context bases here as quickly as possible to try and lay out the level of crap going on in my head.
4 years ago I moved an hour and a half away from where I lived most of my life. I had bonded with my (unrelated) aunt, who felt like an angel sent from heaven to me. She was the most warm, open, loving, kind and giving person to me. She would talk with me for hours, validate me, get me out of the house, show me care and love in a way that didn't feel patronizing. I needed it. I haven't talked to my mother in 6 years, and probably won't ever again. My aunt was healing parts of me. And making this move was so monumental to me. I had never lived anywhere outside of the same 30 minute radius I was used to. (I now realize the autistic pieces that made this an insanely huge move for me as well)
She and I had bonded while we both were still living in my hometown. My aunt said to come live with her and my cousin for a while, and get started in this new city where she was getting ready to move to. I took a leap and went. I needed her. My cousin and I have had a rocky relationship, but it wasn't something that really concerned me at the time. I hadn't talked to her much in years.
The 'panini' hit - and my "probably 2 months" of living with them turned into a year. Made things even more interesting and bonding for me, given the context of what was happening globally, and that I had a major injury during this time as well. My aunt took better care of me, physically and mentally, than I have ever had anyone take care of me for anything.
My cousin had a dance studio. I had watched videos of it for months before moving out there. It was a big part of what enticed me to move. Community. Strength. Hope. Friends. I started dancing there and my world immediately got so much bigger. I met a lot of women who were really interested in getting to know me. Something I wasn't used to. I suddenly had way more people in my life than I ever had, ever.
Living with my cousin though, was awful. She hated that I had such a close relationship with her mother. It was basically an immediate and constant power struggle or something where she would try and create distance between us in some way. Complaining about how I exist in the house, how I communicate, how dramatic i am, how i spend my OWN money, who I talk to, how "im not trying" to get a job in the middle of a global event and a major injury... She is a textbook narcissist. I've had many people tell me she is probably jealous of my authenticity, amongst other things. Dealing with narcs isn't new to me. And I knew she was one. But I got to see just how bad it was first hand. She was relentless with the back handed comments, those little stabs narcs do that will only register to you because they are catered to you. I did everything for them. I was basically a house maid. I was always helping with anything I could. I tried to contribute constantly to my cousin's business to keep her off my back. I basically became her little task mule. But she still treated me like garbage and wanted me to know my place. It really started to strain my relationship with my aunt, and I resent my cousin for it. Did then, and still do now.
After almost a year of living with them, I got a job and then found a boyfriend. The first one I'd had in 5 years. My cousin was jealous. She ran out and got a boyfriend - it seemed like a reaction to me, and others. I ended up moving in with my boyfriend about 7 months into our relationship. We had a 3brdm townhouse we were renting. And he had the cutest cat that I fell completely in love with. He had definitely become my support animal. I was making lots of friends and seemingly had everything. I felt great. My cousin hated it. She then had a big social blowup in her own life - where I learned that so many other people were hurt by her like I was. She ran a studio that thrived on boosting people's confidence... so when people started coming out of the woodwork about this, it was by the dozens, basically. And she was mortified. Rightfully so. But... hard for me to feel bad when she has repeated that pattern of treating people poorly for over 2 decades of her life.
She decided to ruin my birthday that year by picking a fight with me 3 days before the SURPRISE she was instrumental in planning...? There was a lot of back and forth in our communication. It followed the same pattern I feel like I'm used to. Where I feel agitated and get my back up because I know I'm being treated unfairly. But hold in any of my emotional dysregulation as I try to address the situation objectively. But the narc never plays ball, and my buttons get pushed on purpose. My attempts at keeping my regulation in check started failing, and I lost it on her. I told her I don't know how she sleeps at night, that this is why people dont like her, etcetc. I was also crying and my voice was very loud at times. This caused her, and my aunt to basically question my sanity. And the idea of losing my aunt as a result of my big feelings felt awful, to say the least. As I thought about the situation, the more I saw that this was a pattern in MY life as far as losing connections go. This is what prompted my research on autism. I had already been exploring my ADHD dx at the time, which had come first.
I DOVE into my research and in a few weeks had established that Im autistic. Of course the research didn't stop there. But I had reached the point of wanting to talk to my aunt about it. And my partner. But no one believed me or wanted to hear about it. In all of their minds, I was looking for "excuses for my behaviour". My partner took their side, too. In hindsight I should have left him right then and there. All of them, for that matter. But I had just made the biggest move ever in my life. My "new life" had just started. And I was terrified of being alone. My aunt never warmed up to the idea, and had been fed so much BS from my cousin now that I wasn't living there anymore, that the relationship became a dud. It utterly destroyed me, and still does. I resent my cousin a lot for how she treated me and the situation, but with time I can now also see that it may not have mattered - because my aunt has shown such little understanding anyways, and is ultimately in charge of herself. And she chose to let me down when I needed her most. The relationship definitely couldn't continue so long as I had conflict with my cousin. And I had reached the end of my rope dealing with her narcissism. So that was done with both of them. I was crushed.
Now I was feeling this way while living with my partner who doubted me, and was on the side of others also doubting me. I should have left him. But for two years I stayed. I was so burnt out and so hurt. I could barely eat or function. I lost weight and was forcing myself to have those baby fruit squeezies. I had to leave my job. He swore he would support me. I agonized for weeks over that decision. And then on top of leaving that job, I ended up having to take legal action re: work accommodations. I felt like I was constantly fighting for my life, and it was never ending. And I always had to prove something to people. I felt very alone and turned to social media for autistic community. It helped me a lot, and probably saved me. My partner was abusive, and I later learned was also a narc. I was totally fooled.
I felt trapped in every area of my life - except - a bunch of girls who also felt burned by my cousin ended up starting a studio of their own. I danced there with them for over 2 yrs while I lived with my partner. It was my one escape and place to feel safe. They knew my pain. When I tell you I loved this community......... I can't put it into words. I latched on.
I'm leaving out a lot of trauma context here with the individuals I've mentioned in my story, but the post is already insanely long. I hope I'm painting a picture. But let's fast forward to last summer. My relationship with my partner was on a steady decline since learning about my ND brain. He basically pretended to get on board, but never really learned anything. He "let" me read him 2 articles one day, FINALLY, while he was playing video games and half listening. And I bought him "Unmasking Autism" - when he ASKED me to get him a book (youtube videos and tiktoks that perfectly explain things were not the way to get through to him, he said, despite it speaking well to me) - This book sat and collected dust for months. He finally read like 20 pages at one point after a fight when he felt guilty.
He did not understand (nor try to) some of what I feel are the most basic things about autistic people. He would yell at me about how it is MY PROBLEM NOT HIS. We had started sleeping in separate rooms because he would make an issue every night when I would ask for the light and sound on the tv to be reduced or turned off while we were sleeping, etc. I also did not trust him, knowing in the back of my head that he didn't ACTUALLY support me. Emotionally or otherwise. I convinced myself that he loved me, though. Because why would he stick around otherwise? Something he made sure to throw in my face often. "Any other guy would have run for the hills ages ago". He would tell me how me and my family members (also ND and struggling) are useless members of society, etc.
I remember I got to the point of recording his hours of yelling at me so that I could listen to them back later and try to understand what the hell was going on. What I was doing wrong. They were only for me, and I always deleted them after. Now I wish I hadn't.
I got to a point where I guess I finally started to come to my senses. I got a part time job that was working for me, and my small art business was doing well. I started asking for more respect and understanding from him. I wasn't getting it. Things continued to sour. I realized the real reason he was still around -- he was taking advantage of me.
I was his "wife". He would refer to me this way, despite us not being married. I would plan family events. Clean the house. I would make his lunches. Do his shopping. I registered his freaking business for him. I massaged him basically every night. I got to the point of even VOLUNTARILY putting a chore board on the wall, where I would record daily what I was getting done while I wasn't working, so he could see. And... He was constantly borrowing money from me. Despite telling me he would support me, encouraging me to leave my job, and bragging endlessly about his own supposed success and money that was "coming in soon" - here I was, lending him money off of my line of credit. So he could fix his vehicle. Pay his employees. These are the things I was told, anyway.
Things got bad. I found out he had been in contact with my aunt and cousin. Probably the whole time. How did I find this out? When he left a birthday card from them addressed to him for me to find. I had a meltdown, naturally. He wasn't home when I found it. But evidently knew I would freak out about it, and had set it up that way, because next thing I know, I see his coworker outside circling the block "watching the house". Apparently I'm "unpredictable" and "scary" when I have my meltdowns. He had seen me throw my phone at the wall, spit on the floor, and drop a glass into the sink when I was in meltdown. He saw bad ones. But he knewwww there was no actual chance of me hurting any person or their possessions, that's not me. But he set that trap for me and had me watched for a week while he was away working out of town. I ended up hiring last minute movers and got the hell out of there with all my things while he wasn't home. He came home to an almost empty house. Because I was the one who brought and/or bought everything in the house anyways. I left him what he brought in, what he paid for, and what we had agreed he would buy from me (we knew we were done). But the house was still rather empty.
I'm still trying to collect a GREAT sum of money from him through legal processes. He is running and making it hard for me. Financial and legal abuse on top of everything else.
I learned after moving out about an INSANE amount of his pathological lying over the course of our 3 years together. I was never his only woman on the go. He had cheated on me a ton. He already had his new girl lined up. He lied about past relationships (he was the cheater, not them). Some lies I learned were about things as small as how he got the cat?? Very scary thing to learn about someone you trusted for that long through the most traumatic time of my life. The person I thought I was with didn't exist at all. I had made him up in my mind. An ideal. And he took advantage of me. If I was able to spell out some of those details, your stomach would turn.
So I moved out alone. Packed up a whole house of stuff alone in 2 days. I had support of some of my girl friends - but not in the way I had hoped foexpected. I thought surely at least one of them would help me with my things. But my situation was too tumultuous. Everyone wanted clear of me already by that point. (Of course on top of having their own lives, which is fair, and what I told myself - but upon reflection it still feels weird to me that I didn't have help from these women who preached their support)
So now I'm living with my grandmother. In my mind, I lost everything. I had the family, the job, the guy, the confidence, the friends, the house, the money, the stability.... and slowly one by one, each of these things slipped from my hands. Before moving out, I had been working really hard on just accomplishing goals again like getting dressed 4 days in a row. My environment stability was crucial to me for that. And I lost it. In such a short amount of time I lost: my house, my support animal, my partner, my autonomy, my family connections, the city i lived in and had gotten used to, my job.... everything. Gone. SO MUCH CHANGE.
But at least I still had my friends...
I lost a lot of weight without even trying. I think chemically my body must be very confused or something. I started getting different attention from people. It gave me a surface level excuse to try and increase my own confidence. I had basically become a "character of myself" in order to just remain standing on two feet in any way. And I was aware of this at the time. I would joke about it that way with people close to me.
I got more "popular". I started a new business. I got more attractive. Better at dance, I even taught a class! (which of course people probably attached their own biases to, given my family connection) I did all of this while burnt out, angry and heart broken - i basically just kept myself busy socially and otherwise because if I didn't, I don't know what I would have done.. It was evident to everyone around me how bad my mental health was getting.
I got close with this one girl from dance that I never thought would have even considered being my friend. She was "in the in crowd". And to my surprise, we had so much in common. We bonded faster than I've experienced in many friendships. She said I would be in her wedding party. She called me her best friend. She let me stay at her place a TON, since I now had nowhere to live in the city where all my friends were. This meant I saw a lot of her relationship first-hand. We also grew close enough that I became the person she texted at 4am when her and her partner had issues. And.. they had issues. Without sharing too much about someone else's business (something I'm working on, as I equate everything as information and don't really have "privacy" myself - evidently - ) I can definitively tell you that she is not in a healthy relationship, and was not ok. She was also learning about her own ND brain, and I witnessed some very ND meltdowns. In a way I had felt like I was sent to help her or something. I really did love her as a friend, despite it only being maybe 4 months of connection altogether. Her partner is emotionally and psychologically abusive. And I was actively brought into the situation, handed the phone, and basically made mediator in their relationship. I liked them both, and didn't really mind. I felt useful and important. I AM able to view things more objectively than most, given how I think. I wanted to help. I asked her what she wanted constantly. I refused many requests along the way as well, trying to set some boundaries. But I can tell you, I did not insert myself. After everything I had just been through, dealing with this was not on my wish list. But it's easy for our mutual peers to assume that given my own trauma, and my assertiveness, that i MUST have just interjected myself inappropriately. No one can fathom how many times I was handed the phone, or asked to send a text, or to text his friend, or to screenshot this, to make sure hes not home at xyz time, etcetc... I was tired, but I loved her. I was there for her. But she decided to stay with him. Her choices are hers, but I had obviously made it clear that I didn't like the guy. So she actively pushed me away and pressed some of my trauma buttons to effectively get me out of the picture. I can logically see all of the reasoning for this, but it still hurt. Especially given that I was basically the only one with this knowledge. On social media, they are picture perfect. No one would ever guess. But this man is a narcissist too. And I sniffed him out like HOUND. And he hated it. I wanted to remain friends with her, and was willing to figure that out - but avoided a conversation with her when she expressed she expected me to apologize to him.
Because she was in the same friendship community as me, this situation bled into everything. I had other friends judging me for how I spoke to this guy. Saying I was too mean to him, etc. (I had reached out to a friend or two as a sounding board through it all)
After everything I had just overcome and been through.. After the way I buried myself in nothing else but this community after my breakup.. I had the last people remaining in my life questioning my character?? I was exhausted. Meltdowns ensued left and right with multiple of my "close friends". Im now accused and viewed by them collectively as "someone who is irresponsible with their emotions and communication, im rude AF, and do not respect people's boundaries."
I found myself in an anxiety circle with my "friends" now, as I basically relived my partner trauma through this new friend. I wanted to help her. Or at least have people have the story straight, esp for her sake. But by the time I got to trying to explain these things to my "friends", they were so exhausted of me because of the months/years I had just been through. Because I am vocal about everything, and hyperverbal. People thought I was feeding off of the drama or something. Like I wanted it. I guess I didn't seem like a reliable source.
The level of exhaustion and burnout I reached had all of my buttons so sensitive, and my meltdowns triggered easily.
I couldn't handle having other people in the community witnessing more drama in my life, while they at the same time kept me at arms length. It was a supportive group until I needed actual support beyond just keeping some of the social hierarchies and constructs together. I ended up removing dozens from my socials. I don't want any more assumptions about me or my intentions or who I am as a person, by people who don't want to see the truth of me. And people assume this is "petty drama". It guts me. It doesn't occur to anyone - the gravity of what this conflict and losing friends feels like for me. It was all I had left.
I find myself in a place in my life now where I have never felt so lonely. And shameful. I had everything and I lost it. I respected myself, and now i question myself constantly. I feel like I'm a toxic, over-emotional b*tch of a person that no one wants to deal with. My emotional dysregulation is all over the place. Everything is hard. I'm lucky If I take care of my hygiene more than twice a week.
I feel so much shame. So, so much shame. I don't feel like I can work a full time job ever again. I don't trust literally anyone. I have little respect or love for myself because I feel like the only way I could go through this much bullshit is if I actually deserved it. I don't feel like anyone will ever want me as a partner. I need too much support. I'm afraid to make new friends. I'm afraid to succeed in anything. I stopped making art. I'm still trying to get my money back from my ex.
I am spent. And have been thinking dark thoughts more often lately than I ever have in my life. If you read this whole story, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Im a wordy MF.

My boyfriend of 1 year just broke up with me completely out of the blue the other day. We just moved in together 3 weeks ago. He said he needed to better himself alone and find himself again because he’s not well. I’m only 20 and he’s 21. His drinking was the biggest and only problem in our relationship which is why it’s so heartbreaking. He’s surrounded by bad influences, terrible people and a terrible job. He got rid of the only person who tried to help him. And as crazy as it sounds I just want him back.
He has the most amazing personality I’ve ever met, even sober. He’s so loving, caring, funny, passionate, and supportive. He worshipped the ground I walked on. It’s so sad to see alcohol plague a genuinely good person and a great relationship. I’ve never been treated so well by anyone, even with his alcohol problem. He treated me so perfectly that the beginning of our relationship felt so surreal. He’s the person I thought I was going to marry.
There was one point where he finally got it together when he moved to a city an hour away from me. He wasn’t surrounded by scumbag coworkers or a job he felt guilty to work. He did dry January and heavily cut down on drinking after. He worked out every day, ate good, lost weight, and he was ultimately happy. And he was able to improve with me by his side. However, he moved back home and went back to his old job. He fell back into every single bad habit and pattern that made him move in the first place. This time he’s not letting me be there for him.
But I’ve realized that he chose alcohol over me many times. I even wonder if him breaking up with me is so he can continue is destructive lifestyle without me there to witness it. But I also believe he did it to finally protect me from himself and his habits. My biggest fear is that he’ll find someone else in just a couple months and put her through the same thing. Because will he actually better himself? I know this break up is a blessing in disguise because I don’t deserve the things he’s put me through. I know you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.
However, so much of the good outweighs the bad. I have never met anyone like him. I love him more than anyone. My emotions are all over the place because I’m so sad but I’m also so frustrated. But we’re too young for a problem like this. I’ve been doing no contact with him. I hope he can get better so we can find our way back to each other.
TDLR: my alcoholic boyfriend broke up with me and I’m devastated because our relationship was so great and I’ve never met anyone like him.

Emotionally, anyway.
Hi again. This will probably be my last post here as I am no longer a med spouse, after all. I felt obligated to clarify the original position I took when I first posted because I was so, so wrong. I hope those of you settling for less will learn from this, or get comfort.
A long time ago, I posted here about our relationship difficulties. (Post is now deleted.) How he changed when he got into medical school. How dates stopped, emotional stonewalling increased, lashing out got more frequent. I became his emotional punching bag. I accepted my new status as second place to school.
Many of you called out the exact same sentiment: "Medical school is hard, but not that hard. This is who he is. You need to leave."
But we had banked 10 solid years together. I was sure it was a rough patch. I thought I knew him better than all of you.
I want to be clear about this: I looked past my ex's faults because I believed that was what I needed to do to support him. I read over and over that my needs should come second. I saw posts from medical students about their terrible girlfriends, how these women demanded their time and energy and just didn't understand. I set out to become Cool girl from Gone Girl. I wanted us to be different. I loved him so much.
I shelved my needs, made new friends, got back into my hobbies, and gave him as much space as he wanted. Essentially, we began to simply coexist--and I thought that had solved things.
But what I did not know is that the reason he wanted so much space was...
NOT because school was sooo difficult, as he insisted for years.
NOT because he wanted to try living on his own and focusing on success.
NOT because he was depressed and wanted to protect me and set me free.
...but because there was ANOTHER WOMAN HE WAS LINING UP TO REPLACE ME.
A dear mutual friend in our shared med school partnespouse group he had scribed with/attended classes with for years.
This poor mutual friend had discovered that her boyfriend was cheating on her. That very same weekend, my ex broke up with me citing all the things above...PLUS a long list of faults with me that I'd NEVER HEARD IN MY LIFE.
Yesterday I found out that he went to her about two weeks after I moved out and said that he left me so he and her could be together.
SHE REJECTED HIM. She was, rightly, horrified. At the way he had treated me. At the way he tried to manipulate her ("I nuked my old relationship!") and guilt her. She was committed to her current boyfriend and working things out.
She told me everything. He called her his best friend, which was a kind of pet name I used for him. He used a special word from our relationship (you know how you make shit up together as like, verbal memes) to try and coax her. HE TREATED HER LIKE HE USED TO TREAT ME.
My point in all this is: you were right. All of you, were right.
He CHOSE to mistreat me. He CHOSE to let our relationship die. He CHOSE to emotionally invest in another person--handmade gifts, special treatment, long weekend study sessions, grocery shopping, running--and blamed it all on school stress.
The time he didn't have was going to someone else. NOT medical school.
Ladies, gentlemen, theys and thems, I was ride or die for this man. I hung up his tests on our refrigerator. I packed his lunches. I bought his favorite foods. I let him drive my car for a YEAR after he crashed his, which meant staying cooped up at home 200 miles away from friends and family I could no longer visit. I told him he was smart, so hardworking, smart, a catch. I asked him about his days. I begged for scraps. It was 12 years, after all.
I did everything right. I became the perfect med spouse. I still lost. At the end he echoed what his mother said about me: "She's not doctor wife material." And went after greener grass -- a fellow classmate.
All putting my needs aside got me was strung along for two years, used financially, physically, and emotionally, and discarded like trash.
My advice to anyone reading this, who sees inklings of their relationship in this post, even long-term folks? People change. Your partner can change. Medical school is hard but it's not THAT hard, as everyone repeatedly told me, and I ignored. Do not look to the years you have in the bank for reassurance. They will only delude you.
Look at the relationship you are in now. Look at the person they are now. Not one-off fights or exam studying grumps. The pattern of their actions -- how they use you. When was the last time they thanked you? When was the last time they expressed interest in your life? When was the last time they apologized genuinely for snapping? Are you still in their future? Do they include you in their lives? Do they share with you?
I was so blind. I would never have left. It was a deep failure on my part, not realizing how much I had given up to keep him happy. And though I am responsible for my own healing, I wanted to share my story as a warning.
Do not let them blame medical school for everything. Do not sacrifice yourself for them without demanding what you reasonably need to survive. You matter. You are not dumber or less deserving than them just because they are in medicine.
"You need to make sacrifices." "This road isn't for everyone." We say this and read this time and time again. It becomes tempting to look past your partner's mistreatment. It's easy for partners to use medical school as a scapegoat.
Beware of writing off emotional abuse and neglect as stress. I have never destroyed someone completely because of stress. I would never have done this to him because I knew it would destroy him to be left by his fiancee in medical school.
That is because I made a choice. Your med partner has a choice. So do you.

Calling all knitters. The toes in sock patterns are horrible and are just like modern shoes. I can't find a good pattern or explanation how to make a wide toe box in a knitted sock. Anyone got anything?