Sayings about your sister for piknik

I need help, i feel lost. Need some insight L
Medication: cymbalta 90mg (night because it makes me sleepy), lyrica 150 morning, clonazepam 0.5mg night.
I need some insight, I don’t know where or if this is the correct place. But, i need help.
I developed depression in 2016 due to stress of having to put more effort in studying for subjects like algebra, physics, chemistry, etc and always failed. I was sent to a psychiatrist who put me on zoloft 100 mg. It helped a bit, until, I changed psychiatrist due to him retiring.
It wasn’t until 2018 when I developed a tca because I made the wrong choice of weighing myself after eating pizza, and the lack of knowledge regarding weight fluctuations, muscle and fats and liquids, etc.. I started to have a distorted view with food and started to limit my intake and purge because I feared of gaining weight. I started to recover after my mom found out, it was not fully treated, as I still had some distortions/traits (still have) with food and weight. But, I stopped purging and started to stop obsessing over the scale’s number, and added more food to my diet.
2019-2020 was stable for me, my depression and tca were controlled and I was better. Enjoying life, sure, I still had some restrictions which is more about control. But, my life was sustainable, enjoyable, open.
Now, my family house was not stable though. My father is someone very dry and would argue a lot with my mom. I had to step up to protect my mom even though I knew that my father would never hit my mother. But, his words were hurtful. They divorced in 2021, and although for you guys might not seem as a shock, for me, it was. Having your father walk out of the house suddenly and never coming back was a shock.
It was then that I developed panic attacks and anxiety. I never knew how horrible panic attacks were until I experienced them. Everything was unsure, the house, everything (although my father always provided with the economy he is very controlling and you have to walk carefully or else he’ll treat you awfully) i have been somewhat sentimental regarding my house and family in some ways. Nostalgic ,even, to my childhood when things were happy. It was because I knew that things would change, forever.
My anxiety, depression, panic attacks were somewhat controlled by a psychiatrist who changed my meds, but then I decided to leave him because he was acting oddly (I found out later that he has mental issues and that his license should be revoked) i was stable with going to a psychologist who helped me a lot. In 2022-3 i started to work on a brand , and finally started in 2023. My depression, anxiety, and fears were basically gone. I still take my meds (under the guidance of another psych, but it was mostly about routine check. The one who helped me work on the issues was the psychologist) it was amazing and for the first time I felt happy.
Until rotavirus hit me and ended up hospitalized, lost weight which was a triggering factor, had to change psychologist because of my father, and that’s when my life went downhill.
I was too anxious and developed intrusive thoughts that I was desperate I thought that by returning to the psych from 2021 was a good idea. He told me that he would treat me with TMS for anxiety, I was vulnerable, desperate, so I accepted. The thing is he did it in 5 days, multiple sessions, and for the last two days he put me theta burst (also on day 4 he put me ketamine + tms and after I felt weird and overstimulated) I asked him why and he didn’t respond, changed subjects and said that I needed to go to Costa Rica.
Then Thursday came and it was awful, the psychiatrist told me that I was a danger for myself, that I had no words or say in the matter whether i should or shouldnt go to Costa Rica. My mother had to pick me up, so I could leave. (i was not suicidal, I asked him why I was feeling weird) also throughout the session he said that my business was not stable and that i should abandon my parents and forget about them, and that he doesn’t have the time to carry me. I was never heard, my questions were not answered.
I finally decided to find a better psychiatrist and told me everything about TMS, and finally fgave me a diagnosis which is making sense OCD.
She stabilize me and I have to see her on Friday.
The problem is that my sister psychologist spoke with me and told me that I was BPD. Because of OCD, depression, and anxiety. And I was like what? As far as I’m concerned I needed to complete a list of criteria to be BPD. I’m no medical professional, but I did my research.
I don’t have explosive emotions I dont have angry outburst e I dont have intense feelings or mood swings I don’t have impulsivity like reckless driving etc.. I dont have unstable self image My fear of abandonment is only 10% I have self harmed but it was due to the intense anxiety I dont disassociate or have paranoid ideation
Yet she says that I’m BPD. She told me that BPD was not a disorder , but as far as I’m concerned it is.
Im anxious, please, give me some insights.

I plan to go to therapy but I don’t have the money at the moment and I would still like to have opinions.
I grew up with an unhealthy relationship with sexuality. In any case, I feel uncomfortable.
I remember that around the age of 7-8, a great sexual excitement happened, I was rubbing against my doll, and also I tried to introduce toys into my vagina. I also played in bed with a daughter friend, all naked, we were playing « mom and dad » and I remember being scared and saying « do you think we risk having babies? ”
However, I had an immense fantasy of finding my soulmate growing up, always dreaming and imagining things but I was very afraid of kisses etc, but I still made love for the first time with my boyfriend at 14. And it was he who taught me the existence of the « clitoris ». (He was also 14 years old)
I feel like I was exposed to sexuality too early, I saw my first porn as a child I n secret, there was no privacy in the bathroom, I saw the bodies of my parents naked, I accidentally found erotic photos of my grandmother and her boyfriend on vacation naked in the shower, I was playing with my cousins who were older and they liked exploring and laughing about our genitals, showing etc
My big sister for her first sexual relationship was called a whore, I was 10 years old, she was 16, and I told myself that it was certainly an abominable and forbidden thing.
Then from 16 to 18 years old I had about 5 different partners, I was looking for love and inclusion, but it was only sex and I was always ending sad and abusive.
Today, my physical sexual desires are simply natural according to my menstrual cycle. But mentally I never want to take action. It’s always an effort. Once in it it’s fine, but I always say no in the first place. I built a shell that is hard to let go. I don’t know what it is to be happy, balanced with sex/sexual desire. I feel shame if I like it too much. I learnd to dislike it.
Don’t remembering being touched by an adult or anything, but scared of doctors and other male adults. Also the dissociation is too much, i’d say I remember only 40% of my life.
Can you share your experience/knowledge ?

Gender: f Age 25
Medication: cymbalta 90mg (night because it makes me sleepy), lyrica 150 morning, clonazepam 0.5mg night.
I need some insight, I don’t know where or if this is the correct place. But, i need help.
I developed depression in 2016 due to stress of having to put more effort in studying for subjects like algebra, physics, chemistry, etc and always failed. I was sent to a psychiatrist who put me on zoloft 100 mg. It helped a bit, until, I changed psychiatrist due to him retiring.
It wasn’t until 2018 when I developed a tca because I made the wrong choice of weighing myself after eating pizza, and the lack of knowledge regarding weight fluctuations, muscle and fats and liquids, etc.. I started to have a distorted view with food and started to limit my intake and purge because I feared of gaining weight. I started to recover after my mom found out, it was not fully treated, as I still had some distortions/traits (still have) with food and weight. But, I stopped purging and started to stop obsessing over the scale’s number, and added more food to my diet.
2019-2020 was stable for me, my depression and tca were controlled and I was better. Enjoying life, sure, I still had some restrictions which is more about control. But, my life was sustainable, enjoyable, open.
Now, my family house was not stable though. My father is someone very dry and would argue a lot with my mom. I had to step up to protect my mom even though I knew that my father would never hit my mother. But, his words were hurtful. They divorced in 2021, and although for you guys might not seem as a shock, for me, it was. Having your father walk out of the house suddenly and never coming back was a shock.
It was then that I developed panic attacks and anxiety. I never knew how horrible panic attacks were until I experienced them. Everything was unsure, the house, everything (although my father always provided with the economy he is very controlling and you have to walk carefully or else he’ll treat you awfully) i have been somewhat sentimental regarding my house and family in some ways. Nostalgic ,even, to my childhood when things were happy. It was because I knew that things would change, forever.
My anxiety, depression, panic attacks were somewhat controlled by a psychiatrist who changed my meds, but then I decided to leave him because he was acting oddly (I found out later that he has mental issues and that his license should be revoked) i was stable with going to a psychologist who helped me a lot. In 2022-3 i started to work on a brand , and finally started in 2023. My depression, anxiety, and fears were basically gone. I still take my meds (under the guidance of another psych, but it was mostly about routine check. The one who helped me work on the issues was the psychologist) it was amazing and for the first time I felt happy.
Until rotavirus hit me and ended up hospitalized, lost weight which was a triggering factor, had to change psychologist because of my father, and that’s when my life went downhill.
I was too anxious and developed intrusive thoughts that I was desperate I thought that by returning to the psych from 2021 was a good idea. He told me that he would treat me with TMS for anxiety, I was vulnerable, desperate, so I accepted. The thing is he did it in 5 days, multiple sessions, and for the last two days he put me theta burst (also on day 4 he put me ketamine + tms and after I felt weird and overstimulated) I asked him why and he didn’t respond, changed subjects and said that I needed to go to Costa Rica.
Then Thursday came and it was awful, the psychiatrist told me that I was a danger for myself, that I had no words or say in the matter whether i should or shouldnt go to Costa Rica. My mother had to pick me up, so I could leave. (i was not suicidal, I asked him why I was feeling weird) also throughout the session he said that my business was not stable and that i should abandon my parents and forget about them, and that he doesn’t have the time to carry me. I was never heard, my questions were not answered.
I finally decided to find a better psychiatrist and told me everything about TMS, and finally fgave me a diagnosis which is making sense OCD.
She stabilize me and I have to see her on Friday.
The problem is that my sister psychologist spoke with me and told me that I was BPD. Because of OCD, depression, and anxiety. And I was like what? As far as I’m concerned I needed to complete a list of criteria to be BPD. I’m no medical professional, but I did my research.
I don’t have explosive emotions I dont have angry outburst e I dont have intense feelings or mood swings I don’t have impulsivity like reckless driving etc.. I dont have unstable self image My fear of abandonment is only 10% I have self harmed but it was due to the intense anxiety I dont disassociate or have paranoid ideation
Yet she says that I’m BPD. She told me that BPD was not a disorder , but as far as I’m concerned it is.
Im anxious, please, give me some insights.

Hey everyone. It's weird to post something like this, but lately I've just been feeling... adrift. I'm a 23-year-old dude, and don't get me wrong, I have friends. Great guys, always down for a beer and some laughs. But there's this gap, you know? This feeling of not being able to fully connect with anyone on a deeper level.
Maybe it's because I grew up surrounded by women - a single mom and a house full of sisters. I always felt more comfortable talking to them about anything and everything. But these days, all my friends are guys, and some things just feel off-limits. You can only talk about video games and sports for so long before your soul starts to scream.
I tried joining some online communities, Discord servers filled with people who share my interests. But even there, it feels like guys and girls occupy different universes. The guys are all about memes and roasting each other, while the girls seem to have their own private channels filled with inside jokes and emotional support.
Look, I'm not trying to hit on anyone here. I just... really crave a genuine connection with someone who gets it. Someone who understands the struggle of adulting while still feeling like a kid sometimes. Someone who wouldn't judge me for wanting to talk about something deeper than the latest superhero movie.
Is that so much to ask? Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong places. Maybe there are other guys out there who feel the same way.
If you're a girl reading this, and this resonates with you in any way, please, shoot me a message. Even if it's just to say hi and see where things go,. The silence is deafening, and even a little human connection would be a lifesaver right now.

As the title suggests, I’m looking for Ashwood Hollow, Iowa. I grew up there. It’s a small unincorporated town a good hour and a half from the nearest bigger city. By ‘bigger city’ I mean one with a Walmart.
Ashwood Hollow didn’t have much going for it when I was growing up. Mostly farmers who congregated together during the Great Depression to try to commune life their way out of poverty. Didn’t really work. Kept kicking though. Until recently, it seems.
Summer break was coming up soon, and I decided to go visit my family. It’s a long drive from Columbia to Ashwood Hollow so I planned on leaving first thing after my finals. But when I had my Tacoma packed and filled up with gas, something strange happened.
My phone’s GPS wouldn’t navigate to Ashwood Hollow. At first, I just assumed it was my reception, so I got out of my truck and walked back into my dorm to use the WiFi. My roommate, Mike, sat at his desk playing some shooter game I didn’t care to pay attention to.
“You’re back early,” He mutters, flicking his mouse across his mousepad.
“Haven’t left yet.” I reply my eyes fixed on my phone screen that still reads ‘unable to locate’, “Mind if I look something up on your computer for a sec? My phone is acting up.”
“Sure,” Mike says unenthusiastically.
He alt-tabs out of his game and gets out of his chair. I type ‘Ashwood Hollow, Iowa’ into the search bar, hoping to just click on directions and print it out. But when the screen loads on the slow school internet, Ashwood Hollow is nowhere to be found. Instead, there’s just some Iowa Department of Natural Resources website talking about some park.
“What the heck...” I mutter under my breath.
I glance back at Mike, who looks puzzled. He leans closer to the monitor and lets out a soundless chuckle, “Bro, why are you going to Iowa? I thought you were going home.”
“I am going home. I’m from Iowa. Do you not remember?” I rise out of his chair, giving the computer back to Mike.
“You said you were from California, dude,” Mike argues, taking a seat back in his chair.
“No, no. I’m pretty sure I told you I’m from Iowa.” I mutter, glancing back at my phone with the ‘unable to locate’ still displayed, almost taunting me.
“Whatever. It’s not that deep.” Mike tabs back into his game, leaving myself and Ashwood Hollow behind.
I stare at Mike for just a moment. I could have sworn I put down my hometown in that stupid ‘ice breaker’ that the RA made my entire hall do. That’s how I found out that the guy who lives in 1304 is from Iowa, too. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to ask him if he happens to know which exit I need to take to get to Ashwood Hollow. I know the rest of the way there if I can just get to that dang exit.
I push out into the hall, nearly bumping into Sarah, the librarian’s assistant, as she was heading towards the exit. I quickly apologize and slip past her towards 1304. I bang on the door pretty loudly because if I remember correctly, the guy usually listens to loud music.
After a few moments, the door creaks open revealing Ryan’s pale face. He doesn’t seem too thrilled to see me.
“What do you need, Parker?” he grumbles.
“Hey, sorry to bother you… Wait did I wake you up?”
“Yes,” He groans.
“Oh. Sorry. Anyway, You’re from Iowa, right?”
“Yeah, why?”
“You know where Ashwood Hollow is?”
Ryan looks confused, almost annoyed, “No? Are you talking about that reserve or whatever? I think it’s called Green Hollow. Why do you want to know anyway? I thought you were going back to California for summer break.”
“What? I was going back to Iowa to see my family.”
“Whatever. No, I don’t know where that stupid town is. Now can you let me go back to sleep?”
“Sure,” I grumble, glancing down the hall at the door leading out to campus.
I step out of the dorms and into the sunlight. Maybe the library has some of those old paper maps I can read. At this point, I’m just desperate to prove I’m not insane. I know Ashwood Hollow is real. I grew up there! Every summer day spent at the creek, every winter bundled up in our little house – twenty years of my life were in that town. My parents were born and raised there, and our hotel, the centerpiece of my entire childhood… How could it disappear like this? I get it’s a small town and we don’t get much tourism, but to remove it off the internet is a bit of a stretch.
I dial my mom’s phone to tell her I’m going to be late coming home, but I got the ‘call could not be completed’ message. Confused, I try calling my dad. Same thing. My sister. Same thing. I even try calling my family’s hotel. Call could not be completed.
A knot begins to form in my stomach, tightening with each failed call. Someone is always able to pick up. If not Mom, then Dad. If not Dad, then Rachel. There is always somebody. I can’t help but get the feeling something is wrong. I pick up my pace towards the library hoping to get answers soon so I can get home.
Sarah waves at me, her nose not leaving the book she has stuck in front of her face. I wave back frantically walking towards the Atlas section. Most of the atlases the college has in their collection are local maps of Missouri - old explorer’s maps or whatever. But I eventually find an atlas that includes a map of Iowa, nestled between two other unrelated books. I quickly flip through the pages to find South Iowa. My eyes drift right to where Ashwood Hollow should be and… It’s blank. Just a field.
The entire world comes to a standstill. My breath catches in my throat as I see the year of the map in the far corner: ‘2021’. This isn’t an old map. I flip to another page to try to cross-reference it. Maybe it’s just a mess up. I follow the river that runs through town and… It’s not there. It’s not in any of the maps.
I don’t even bother putting the Atlas back where it is supposed to go. I just put it down and rush back out towards my dorm. Sarah gives me a wave as I leave but I don’t pay her any mind. I quickly dial Mike’s number as I speed-walk towards my dorm.
“What’s up?” Mike says, occasional simulated gunshots from his game coming through
“Hey so I don’t know what’s going on but I’m freaking out here. I think something bad happened to my home and I know you said I said I’m from California but-“
“Hey man, can you slow down. I can’t keep up with all that yapping.” Mike interrupts.
I take a deep breath and ask him the simple question I called him for, “Can you come with me to Ashwood Hollow?”
“How far is it?” he asks.
“Five hours. I think. Hard to tell, GPS isn’t pulling it up.” There is a short pause as Mike contemplates, “I’ll get you lunch and dinner or whatever. I just can’t go alone.” I add.
“Fine. I’ll have my crap packed in a few.”
The drive is uneventful. We just follow the GPS leading to the closest location the GPS would pull up, an old camping ground. I used to go there as a kid for summer camp. Mike doses in and out of sleep, not being a good navigator. But I didn’t expect him to be of much help. I just needed somebody, anybody, to see Ashwood Hollow. I’m not crazy. It is real.
The GPS has me exit the highway and go onto a series of backroads that begin to look familiar. An old windmill off on the east side of the road that has been falling apart for years. An old billboard whose advertisement fell off during a tornado a few years back. I know I’m getting close to home.
But when I make the last turn that should have led me to Main Street, the road ends. It just… ends. No barricades, no signs, nothing but an empty field of grass and trees. My heart pounds in my chest, my anxiety rising by the second. This is wrong. This is all wrong. How can an entire town just vanish without a trace?!
I put my truck in park and sit dumbfounded. Mike perks his head up, barely waking up. He glances between me and the empty field ahead.
“Some place you got here,” He mutters.
“You aren’t helping!” I snap.
I cut the engine and get out of my truck, looking at what appears to be an endless field of grass. Maybe I just got the directions wrong. Maybe I just simply am wrong about where I thought I was. I’m so lost in my thoughts trying to prove myself right that I don’t even hear Mike get out of the truck.
He pats me on the shoulder and smiles at me, “Look man, if we are going to stop here may as well hike around.”
We walk around this field for what seems like hours. I know my home once stood here. I can trace the steps I used to take to school every day. I can even count my steps to where my family’s hotel should be. But… it’s not here. The only landmark of note is the river that ran through what used to be the center of town. Not even indents where the roads once were remain.
As the sun began to set, Mike and I started heading back to my truck, which still sits on the edge of the pavement. But as we do, Mike says he sees something. I follow him to a small grove of trees. And then my heart stops. Mike’s face pales as he reads the old, weathered sign: ‘Welcome to Ashwood Hollow’
Mike and I began back down the road towards our school. I take the same familiar roads I once took away from my home, not realizing it would be my last time. We pass by a few landmarks I remember. But when we pass by the billboard, half of an advertisement remains. We didn’t see it on the way in because it was facing away from us. But my stomach turns to ice when I read it.
‘Come visit the historic Hillwood Hollow Hotel! U-Turn at the next exit!'
The drive back to campus was done in nearly perfect silence. Neither of us knew what to say to one another. I wasn’t crazy. Ashwood Hollow is real. But it seems as if the world forgot about it. As if it was erased from this planet entirely other than two signs. I don’t know what happened to my family. I don’t know what happened to anyone from Ashwood Hollow. But as I sit in my dorm room, writing this all out, I know they are out there somewhere.
So I’m asking you all: Have you heard of Ashwood Hollow?

I felt things were going pretty good until 3, and then 3 is deceptively good but also really damning for this as a franchise.
The Geth are codified as "emotional beings" right off the bat, and a lot of the previous "sci-fi babble" is put out of focus for more bombastic, emotional writing and "movie"-scriptwriting. Even the most amazing parts of 3 IMO suffer from going overboard into sensational > authentic writing.
I felt prior to ME3 that this was a highly cinematic series that wasn't shy of being a video game. Even ME2, which became very cinematic and "cool", still rounded off its newfound edge, by having characters talk sometimes at length about really nitty-gritty details, or often use the language of the universe itself to explain things. It wasn't afraid of being very geeky about it either, with the Rachni Concierge appearing on Illium and talking like they're larping in a DnD game. Talking to Legion just had me sitting "Huh. All right. Uh-huh." in ME2 because it felt like pages and pages of a world I didn't know being presented objectively. I loved every word of it. Even the main story in 2, thin and "irrelevant" as it is, has a lot of nice details I like, like gathering everyone around the table multiple times throughout, and people coming from different mentalities towards what has to be done. Miranda trying to remain objective, Jacob rushing ahead with fatalist logic, and Mordin and EDI delivering exposition.
There are a number of things in 3 that are retained, but even similar scenes feel watered down to me. Instead of that usual explanatory writing, an assembly-meeting on the ship has exposition by EDI that's like "This is a cannon that can synchronize to the fleet" and Shepard kinda cutting into it, "So you mean I can use this to fire with the whole fleet." where it comes across to me, as a player, like there's a mentality shift on the part of the devs that's like "The player doesn't care about that, that's boring!" but I fell in love with Mass Effect because it always allows you to dig deep into how everything works.
As a result ME3 feels very skimpy on actual lore development to me, and just kinda gives these cookie-cutter answers, like the Krogan "suddenly" having this area on Tuchanka conveniently on the exit-side of the tunnel that shows a glimpse of "oh they actually used to be super duper organized and virtuous!" but hey it's an action level and the game is on rails, so "we have no time for that, that's boring!"
And at every turn I'm like "I actually wanna talk for an hour about this stuff" but the writing is like "Ohh war is rough!" and it just moves on.
Another situation as an example is the Sanctuary Level. Cerberus is IMHO mistakenly planted as just a straight up "mwahaha" villain in this game, when ME2 decided to lift them away from that cookie-cutter role (and they were just side-fluff back then...) but they're still a little bit mysterious on the topic of "They think we should control the Reapers, yet they are themselves probably indoctrianted, or does Illusive Man really have something, and if he does, is it justified?" The theme similar to Mordin and Maelon in ME2 is in effect again, and that was pretty interesting in the wake of the impossible situation the Reapers put us in, and Garrus also had some conversations that gave ME3 some substance where he talks about "Ruthless calculous" -- the idea that if you're backed against a wall and have to choose between losing or sacrificing something, would you accept victory on immoral terms? Anyway, the Sanctuary level has this feeling of "wait, maybe... no." about Cerberus having actually been on the cusp of some reverse-engineering of the Reapers, and meanwhile Miranda's sister is taken hostage by the dad, and you confront the dad, but it's reduced to just the hostage situation. Then you kill him and all deliberations of what any of this stuff was goes out the window (literally) with him.
There's often this feeling in ME3 to me that they're using emotional writing to mask not knowing their own narrative, and it really became crystal clear at the end when the Catalyst appeared and his half-answers confuse fans into endless debating of points that have no details, and themes that aren't really informed by the rest of the story. The whole Crucible plot was a time-sink that allowed the writers to stall the entire main plot of "How to Stop The Reapers" and they postponed any answers for literally the entirety of ME3 hedging things on "The Catalyst" which is an ever-moving goal-post. First nothing is done but they say "The Catalyst is missing." Then you run errands because you need an army because "it's war". Then they go back to "Psst. We know something about the Catalyst" and you go there, it alludes to some mysterious stuff about Cycles, but then Kai Leng appears and dumbs the story down into a cartoon plot for 10 minutes.
Then you chase down Cerberus and find the Catalyst again but he's like "I'm not the Catalyst, it's the Citadel" and you're like "why couldn't we just line up the size of the thing in the blueprint and realize it ourselves..." and then you meet the Catalyst and it's like "I'm actually the boy", and the boy is like "No one has met the Catalyst before, only you" and it's like, so who the fuck designed the Crucible then? Did they know that the Citadel who is not the Prothean who didn't design the thing who wasn't the Innusannon either designed the-- etc.
Overall, I just felt like ME3 was the story where "the writers didn't know" or something, and it shines through in the dialogue where the usual "detail-porn" was traded off for cheaply emotionally manipulative "movie" writing and ends up making a lot of the story feel superficial, and at that point even the characters don't carry it well when they're lacking the plot and usual minutia to portray their likeable characteristics against an interesting lore. And perhaps more importantly, the game doesn't have its "Battle for the Citadel" or "Suicide Mission" moment of Epic Catharsis because it lacks this substance, so there is no thematically resounding moment of excellence towards the end, cuz all the buildup of details is missing this time.
I felt like ME3 was the story that bastardized the franchise.

TW
Firstly, would like to apologize if there are any grammatical, punctuation, and spelling errors. English is not my first language so please bear with me.
I was born to my parents just two years after their arranged marriage. Since my childhood, I had an extremely hostile relationship with my mother. When I was young, my mother was responsible for tutoring me, and those days were hellish. Although she was a good tutor, I was a slow learner. As a result, I would get beaten badly whenever I didn't study or finish my work on time. When I was about 5 or 6 years old, one of the punishments she enforced on me was to make me sweep and clean the floors of the entire house. Although that punishment stopped by the time I was 7, it was traumatizing, to say the least.
I remember one day when one of my father's colleagues took me aside and asked me intimate details about my parent's relationship. I innocently answered him, which led to him teasing my mom and dad. This made my mom very angry at me, so when we returned home, she locked all the doors and windows and mercilessly beat me for hours. I remember not being able to move my body for days after that. After every punishment, she would love me, hold me, kiss me, and say how sorry she was for punishing me, asking me not to repeat my mistakes.
I always felt my mom hated me. When I was young, I was weak and often hospitalized for days, which caused financial problems for our family. My mom always envisioned her child as someone who was academically successful, skilled in drawing, and proficient in classical dancing. I disappointed her in that regard, which led her to emphasize how much she hated me, how much of a money-waster I was, and how she wished I was never born. My mom became better when my little sister was born. My sister was everything my mom wanted: she is a great dancer, a talented painter, and excels in her studies. My mom's love and care for my sister made me jealous, and whenever I expressed it, I was called a bad sister.
To make my mom proud, I decided to give my all to my studies and eventually scored well in my Grade X exams. To make both my mom and dad proud, I chose to study Science in Grade XI despite feeling miserable. In this case, my parents never forced me to take this course; it was my own decision to make them proud. After graduating, my mom and dad wanted me to be a doctor, but I never wanted to be one. Instead, I chose to major in biotechnology and eventually studied biomedical engineering for my master's.
Throughout this time, my father supported me both financially and emotionally, but the same cannot be said for my mom. Although she was not very supportive, she kept quiet about my educational decisions and only made a few snide remarks.
This led to an incident that occurred in the months after I graduated with my bachelor's degree. Before I enrolled for my master's, I had to take an entrance exam. I was unable to pass it, which left me with limited options for my postgraduate degree. Eventually, within two months, I qualified for an institute-level entrance exam at one of the top-ranked Tier-I government institutes in our country and enrolled in my master's program there. However, those two months were hellish. My mom made sure to taunt me, emotionally and physically assault me, and call me names like a mooch (even though she was a stay-at-home mom by that time).
When I cracked the exam and enrolled in my master's program, her entire demeanour changed. She would tell people, and me, that she had successfully raised a good daughter and that she was proud of me. It felt nice; I felt loved again. But now, as I am close to graduating with my master's, her abuse has begun again. It started with her saying that all her friends' kids are doing jobs and that I am useless. I wanted to pursue a PhD, but apparently, that's not good enough for her. She wanted more from me and wanted me to go for high-paying jobs like her friends' kids. It became especially worse after I got rejected from the institutes where I applied for my PhD. I am no saint; I have done and said unforgivable things to her, which has strained our relationship further.
Every day, I think about ending it all, and I am only holding back for my father. I know how it would break him. I wish no other child would go through what I went through. I'd rather have you abandon me than abuse me, Mom.
To my Mamma:
Yes, Mom, I know I am a failure who wasted all your money, but for God's sake, I am your daughter, not a trophy for you to showoff. I love you, Mom, for all the sacrifices you've made for me, but I hate you too for all the pain you caused me.
I want to be as strong, brave, resilient, and loving as you, but I pray I don't end up becoming a mother like you to my children. Thanks for everything—thank you for bringing me into this world, for raising me, and for making me who I am today. But I wonder, can I ever let go of the hatred and resentment I have for you, Mom?
Thank you, Mom. Every single hurtful action you took over the years has inspired me to fight, not just for myself, but for all those kids who are suffering like I did. I might have been helpless, but I will work hard to become a voice for those children so that no other kid feels helpless and they can have a happy and healthy childhood.

It's one of those posts again... But it's really weighing on me and I have no one to talk to about it irl so I'm venting here. If I sound pissed off, it's because I am but it's more of an 'old man yelling at cloud' situation.
Anyway. I diligenlty post a chapter every week. I took a month-long hiatus, which I announced in advance, (for my own wedding, mind you) and I still wrote. What I posted after, it's been absolute crickets. Those were some seriously high effort chapters, with a plot twist and important advances in the story that I use every spare minute to write, and it's so disheartening. I know people are reading because I see the clicks and subscriptions. But it's been freaking lonely. I can't talk to anyone irl about what I'm writing and I feel like people are only reading because they've got nothing better to do but dgaf about the story.
The thing is, this fic has gotten as big as it has thanks to comments. I dropped chapter 1 almost on a joke, because it was a take and style/tone I haven't seen in the fandom. And some people liked it! I got comments saying "this is so refreshing", "the first fic I've seen do this" and it got me so excited. I don't care about popularity, but if at least one person loves the story then it's worth writing. And right now, it feels like the only person is me. So I will keep writing. But uploading, and uploading regularly, is f*cking work. I've been prioritizing this over other stuff I love, other stories I want to finish, and English is my second language, and I work full time, and I got married, and my sister had a freaking baby, and if nobody cares about the latest chapters then I might just go do something else with my time.
I left an A/N saying 'hey, if you've read so far, thank you! Feel free to drop me a smiley'. NOTHING. Like come on, you can't say it's a lot to ask, it's an emoji, not a dissertation, and I'm not demanding it either. Yes, I know nobody owes me anything, and I don't owe them the story either, blah blah catch22, but the truth is even if nobody technically owes anyone anything, it's still not nice. I feel like a commodity. I hestitate to finish it offline and to upload like 2 years later when those who are reading now have forgotten all about it, out of spite. I won't say anything in my A/N cause that also feels assholish. At this point, I'm only uploading for accountability (for myself) because I do want to and plan to finish. How long it takes and whether I post it, idk. I'm on the fence of going on a silent hiatus because this constant cycle of pressure and disappointment is detrimental to my sanity.
Whatever. Readers, if you're following a story, especially a longfic, and care about it being finished, please let the authors know you're still there. I know I'm not alone in this. Even a f*cking smiley face, yes just ':)' will make someone's whole week, I promise you. You're tired, depressed, anxious you're only reading to unwind, etc.--you don't know what's happening on the other side. Writers are depressed too. But we're not people, we're content machines so who cares :) Rant over.

Before you judge, hear me out. My baby’s father is constantly fat shaming my mother and whole family. The majority of my family have conflict with him but I still don’t think it’s appropriate for him to be calling my family fat, ugly and “pigged body” especially because he’s overweight himself. I have also faught with his parents but never physically insulted them like he does to my family.
Yesterday via text he mentioned how gorgeous our baby boy is. He then added that he’s way cuter than my cousin’s daughter who I’m close with. She is 4 years old and I thought that was extremely inappropriate. There was literally no reason to bring her up in the conversation. I don’t know if he does this to bother me or if he’s that comfortable sharing his stupid thoughts with me.
Today when he picked me up, I found the opportunity to give him a taste of his own medicine. We were talking about putting our son in modeling and that’s when I said “honestly my baby is the cutest baby I’ve ever seen. Cuter than celebrity babies and your little sister”. He was totally caught off guard and said “omg poor Jade” I forgot what else he said but i think it was somewhere along the lines of that not being so nice. He then continued with he’s cuter than your cousins daughter, what do you think? I said they were about the same, eventually answering his question that my baby is cuter but my cousins daughter Layla was still very pretty. I told him that if he can bring up Layla I can bring up his sister Jade. He then tried to justify himself saying that because my cousin is a bitch. In my head I was like “so we’re gonna bully her daughter because you don’t like my cousin???”. He also brought up that Jade is tanned so it’s worse to slander her (WTF??). I said that’s BS and there was a long awkward pause. He then opened his mouth to say “poor Jade”. I continued and said no offense but my child doesn’t compare to her when she was a baby.
So obviously I did it to prove a point although I didn’t tell him “now do you know how that feels?” He’s such an ass that it wouldn’t have made it effective if I would’ve told him that I didn’t mean it. Although I’ve had bad experiences with his parents and little sister, I am pretty much friendly with them and the whole family. I don’t have problems with his other siblings while he has problems with the majority of my family. So I’m guessing he thinks because of this it’s okay to insult my family but it’s not okay to insult his. I want to add that his little sister is 10 and he said he was going to tell her. He said it in a joking manner but he doesn’t have too much common sense and tells his family everything so I’m sure he will mention it to his parents, older sisters and even Jade. I know this will create tensions with his family and I feel sour even having to say my son is cuter than Jade when she was a baby but I’ve had enough of him picking on my family especially a four year old little girl. I’ve told him many times to stop calling my mother fat and he just won’t stop, so now I will have to use his little sister to hurt him and hopefully get through to him. Am I justified in doing this?

I haven't talked to my biological sister in 1 year and 2 months. I was adopted at birth by two wonderful people who I call mom and dad, and I grew up an only child. The way my parents raised me, I had always known I was adopted and thought I was fine with that until I got to college. Something in me wanted to figure out who my biological parents were and I searched for years until I found out who my birth mom is. The truth is, I don't really remember how I found out who she was because at that time I was just starting my alcoholic journey. When I started really looking I was 18 and not really struggling with anything but at the time of this story I was 21 and deep into my addiction. Anyway, I had found my birth mother's Facebook and after a few months of reaching out and her not responding I messaged a girl in her friends list who I thought was young enough and similar enough to be my half sister whom I knew existed (the only personal piece of info I knew about myself). She was in fact my half sister and we chatted for a bit- she told me our birth mother died of cirrhosis a year and a half before I reached out. I remember asking her if she knew my birth father and she gave me the phone number for our mutual aunt. After texting her for about a month I ended up ghosting her. Idk why truly, I swear I'm not a mean person, everyone would say the opposite about me. This was just different- I know she has her own feelings about having another half sibling (we share a half brother who is a minor in foster care) but I just didn't know how to feel and at the time I could barely feel anything as I was drinking and smoking 24/7 and I also had a stomach ulcer that went undiagnosed as an "eating disorder" and I lost 30 pounds in 5 months and could barely leave my bed (unless it was to drink or smoke). There actually isn't an excuse for any of this but I did what I did and I can't take it back and it just feels like everything that happened in the past two years is hitting me now. Now a year and 2 months later (I'm 23 now) I want to text this aunt and see if she knows anything about my biological father but I know deep down I have to mend this relationship with my half sister. The thing is, I just don't want to. Man, when I did talk to her she just reminded me of who I could become- the addict I was on the verge of becoming with other substances. She was "sober" but after a week of talking to her I had reason to believe she wasn't being 100% truthful. I just needed to get this off my chest because everyone I've told this story to with siblings is making be feel like the devil incarnate for what I did to my half sister by ghosting her but my one friend who is an only child is helping me feel better by pointing out how big of a change it is to find out you have other people related to you. I mean after you get over the initial shock of realizing other people look like you lol, it's really hard to accept other people have the same personality and habits as you (especially when it comes to addiction while the rest of your *adoptive* family is seemingly perfect, although I have found I can relate to my dad when it comes to drinking recently). Part of me feels like the only child bit is an excuse, another like it was the alcohol's fault but I can't admit that because no one knew I was an addict and I just can't face the guilt, and another feels like I'm justified in how I feel because this is a huge ordeal that 99% of people don't have to go through so why do they have the right to call me selfish? Although that last one I believe the least.

My GF holds my card and ID when we go out because I don’t want to lose my whole wallet and she has a backpack or fanny pack to keep it secure. We take turns buying drinks and what not. I told my GF to get us drinks because she got us drinks last night while I was buying food we can share.
There was plenty of bartenders open to give us drinks at concession stands but I see that my card is now in her sister’s hand, which she handed to her sister in a sneaky way. I feel she thinks I’m looking away from the bar but that’s not the case. Her sister is keeping the card underneath her cellphone, which again to me seems weird as you’re about to use it.
(Her sister nickel and dimes her for everything. Always penny pinching her and I’ve seen her siblings try to get over on one another for things. They always want receipts with one another and totals split down the middle, they always question if one is ripping the other one off, etc.)
I see her sister get a beer with my card and a drink I wanted. My GF would never drink the drink that her sister ordered. It wasn’t ridiculous ($18) but upset over principle. I see her sister hand it sneakily back as they get super close and do a minimal handoff with their arms short to her side.
I wait for her sister to walk ahead and said to my GF “this whole situation was really fucking sketchy” I am calm but talking in a serious tone, not yelling. I have been drinking but I am not going to cause a scene.
She said "what?"
Me: “I said this whole situation that just happened is really sketchy to me, I feel super uncomfortable”
GF: You just got your drink, whats the problem?”
Me” Why was she hiding my card under her cellphone while I was close to her and then why did she hand it back to you like she was sneaky. Ive been drinking a bit but I am not stupid, do not call me stupid”
GF tries to play it off and says “My sister bought you a drink last night”
Me: what drink did she buy me? No one bought me a drink yesterday, except for you when I got food to eat, you went in line by yourself to get us food”
I was not buying it at all, I recall things very well, I have great memory and I have always told her to not challenge me on this stuff this stuff because I remember most things pretty well. She gets annoyed and says “you’re right all the time” and I usually laugh it off and say “ I told you not to go against my memory” and we go on about our day. Its usually because there is a text message or someone else that confirms what was said or done that proves I am write. Lol. I’m not a dick about it, she just wants to challenge and I have fun with it… whatever. No biggie.

She later on by the stage at the concert says “I’m sorry for ruining the night” but doesn’t say she lied and says later “Ill pay you for her drink” She reaches to grab my hand by putting her hand in my pocket and I pull away and “I’m mad at you, you lied to me” She then waits a few minutes, cries, I let her sulk for a bit before I come behind to hug her because I think its good to sit in her actions/feeling for a bit, then I hug from behind and said “I don’t ever care if we fuck up, I only care that we get better from our mistakes.” She is still crying and I sort of mellowed out then I realize again…my gf just lied to me, stole from me, her sister was in on it. How can I trust these people? I thought we were all a squad and just in for a good time together. I’m hurt. 3 days later (today) I am still hurt.
Today, I recalled another night we went out a month ago where I walked up to the bar and I saw my card in the machine paying for her drink but I did not get one…she than sat the drink down on the bar which eventually fell off and spilled all over her. I laughed and said I am publicly announcing that I am taking $20 from your wallet for buying that drink without telling me and getting caught ( I laughed and reminded her that Karma will be served as a joke. This is all from a month ago and I never took money from her)
She grabs me to take me away from her sistepartner. We sit down because she wanted to talk and she starts crying more. II said if “we have no trust, we have jack shit in our relationship. Ive never had this happen to me”
She then goes to tell me what happened yesterday…
GF: "You bought food with your card, then I bought drinks with my card"
Me: I throw my hands up in the air and said “You just ratted yourself out” She cries more…. I said “She didn’t buy me one drink, she nickel and times you, your whole family does, I always try to protect you from them and I try to help you save your money, your energy, the non-reciprocated behavior and be better off in general. I have never took from you, you could of asked me and I wouldn’t of batted an eye because we were having a good time but you didn’t ask. This isn’t about $18 or getting paid back. This is such a stupid thing to do to and its over $18, which is even dumber"
She cries more, I let it roll off for the rest of the night, the next day we’re checking into a hotel. Im on the side holding our bags and she Venmo’s me a random $100 while in the check-in line. I said "why did you did do that; I owe you money”
GF: “I owe you for stuff”
That was end f that convo. It felt like pitty/I fucked up money
Now that we’re home, I think she thinks its under the rug. BUT I am now stewing on it but not bringing it up because I don’t want the week to be weird when we talk and I won’t see her until Friday plus I am having a bad week at work.
I want to bring up that trust is broken right now, that her past behaviors Ive heard about from 15 years ago from her siblings/parents, to a few years ago with other issues, to last month and a couple days ago are all the same scenarios…. her cheating others out of money. She says she loves me so much and she has shown me love that no other woman has ever showed me…. Again, I truly feel that way but I am also feeling super off about this right now so I am letting myself mellow out before I address anything…
I feel betrayed, I will never let her hold my wallet again. I am trying to buy a house with her, have a family, do all of these big things with her. This thing is really making me wonder now how many times has she got me…. It so freaking dumb, the whole thing but we’re talking principle here…nothing more. I never want her to hold my money or any of my stuff again. I lost a friend in the process of all of this because my best friend disowned me for us wanting to date. Not sure what to do. My friendship is gone and I am OK with it as I was growing away anyways,
I want everything 50/50 now and do not want to let my guard down for now, or want any extravagant gifts from her again if I am not willing to match it. She has a thing for over spending and over doing things. While I tend to be more money conscious. I would prefer to correct any financial imbalance we have in our relationship to leave things equal.
How should I approach this? Am I valid for how I feel, despite how stupid this all is? I think its dumb as heck but again principle. ie: Cheating on me cant be forgiven because you allow me cheat 5x on you for the 1x you cheated since you got caught. Like the $18 beer you stole and lied about then sent me a $100 never made it OK in the first place.
I feel I should tell her how I feel, what I saw and then be quiet and let her see if she can own her mistake and navigate from there.
I tried exceptionally hard to be factual, and say what I feel vs what was said/seen, I am sorry it is so long too.
TIA!

Before you judge, hear me out. My baby’s father is constantly fat shaming my mother and whole family. The majority of my family have conflict with him but I still don’t think it’s appropriate for him to be calling my family fat, ugly and “pigged body” especially because he’s overweight himself. I have also faught with his parents but never physically insulted them like he does to my family.
The reason I’m making this post is because yesterday via text he mentioned how gorgeous our baby boy is. He then added that he’s way cuter than my cousin’s daughter who I’m close with. She is 4 years old and I thought that was extremely inappropriate. There was literally no reason to bring her up in the conversation. I don’t know if he does this to bother me or if he’s that comfortable sharing his stupid thoughts with me.
Today when he picked me up to go shopping I found the opportunity to give him a taste of his own medicine. We were talking about putting our son in modeling and that’s when I said “honestly my baby is the cutest baby I’ve ever seen. Cuter than celebrity babies and your little sister”. He was totally caught off guard and said “omg poor Jade” I forgot what else he said but i think it was somewhere along the lines of that not being so nice. He then continued with he’s cuter than your cousins daughter, what do you think? I said they were about the same, eventually answering his question that my baby is cuter but my cousins daughter Layla was still very pretty. I told him that if he can bring up Layla I can bring up his sister Jade. He then tried to justify himself saying that because my cousin is a bitch. In my head I was like “so we’re gonna bully her daughter because you don’t like my cousin???”. He also brought up that Jade is darker than Layla so it’s worse to slander her (so stupid). I said that’s BS and there’s was a long awkward pause. He then opened his mouth to say “poor Jade”. I continued and said no offense but my child doesn’t compare to her when she was a baby.
So obviously I did it to prove a point although I didn’t tell him “now do you know how that feels?” He’s such an ass that it wouldn’t have made it effective if I would’ve told him that I didn’t mean it. Although I’ve had bad experiences with his parents and little sister, I am pretty much friendly with them and the whole family. I don’t have problems with his other siblings while he has problems with the majority of my family. So I’m guessing that because of this it’s okay to insult my family but it’s not okay to insult his. I want to add that his little sister is 10 and he said he was going to tell her. He said it in a joking manner but he doesn’t have too much common sense and tells his family everything so I’m sure he will mention it to his parents, older sisters and even Jade, his little sister. I know this will create tensions with his family and I feel sour even having to say my son is cuter than Jade when she was a baby but I’ve had enough of him picking on my family especially a four year old little girl. I’ve told him many times to stop calling my mother fat and he just won’t stop, so now I will have to use his little sister to hurt him and hopefully get through to him. Am I an asshole?

After being a member for a year I decided to go on a mission in 2022 and was called to serve in Utah.
My comp and I lived in a single members basement under his woodworking shop. We biked through Utah in the middle of a record cold winter. I mean I biked through snow, sleet, hail, you name it. The member wanted to save money so he never turned on the hot water or heater. So after biking all day every day we had to go home to a cold shower. I used to have to put on 8 layers of clothing and I was still freezing biking through the snow. To make matters worse, my comp was a diagnosed sociopath.
None of her comps got along with her (my mission Pres told me that. I guess he paired me with her because I was the oldest sister on the mission so he thought I could handle her). She told me that on her past time (before the mish) her and her mom would make fun of overweight people during sacrament meeting. I caught her lying to a member once and told her that I’m amazed at how good of a liar she is (it freaked me out) she said “thanks, I can cry on command - want to see?” And I KID YOU NOT she starts bawling. And then like a switch she wiped her tears, smiled and said “see?” And kept walking like it was nothing. She used to bike ahead of me and slam on her breaks so I would run into her.
When we did comp inventory and checked each others FB messages I saw her talking trash about me to other missionaries. Often my bike would randomly break down, like my belt would fly off while I was riding or my dress would get caught in the bike spokes, causing me to fall and scrape my knee. This was a daily occurrence. My comp would notice and laugh at me.
Members felt bad for us that we were biking in the cold all the time and would offer to give us rides. I used to accept their offer, then one day my companion said that I’m not a true missionary because I accept offers for rides. After that she would not allow members to give us rides. She would often lie to members and say “oh no need to give us a ride we live right down the road” even though really we had to bike several miles from one end of our area to the other straight up hill, late at night in the below-freezing weather.
One time I was so stressed out I barely slept for 4 days. I was so sleep deprived I literally passed out and banged my head on the table at the Stake center. So during our 1 hour lunch time I napped. I got in so much trouble (against the rules to nap during your lunch hour apparently).
I was so depressed I talked to a mission therapist and he told me that if I kept having appointments with him then my mission Pres would send me home. I only had 2 appointments with him total.
I also suffered crazy physical symptoms too like I almost fainted every time we arrived at members houses, developed high blood pressure (I was 25 yo), rapid heart beat and I went through the symptoms of a heart attack once (probably because I was traumatized!)
They were highly focused on baptism numbers. We always tried to beat other districts numbers of baptisms each month. We tried to maintain the record of being one of the highest baptizing missions in the world.
And they were so obsessed with rules. As if the mission Presidents rules, area authorities rules, church leadership rules weren’t all enough - my comp made up her own rules for me to follow as well. This is going to be TMI so TW: but I was on my period. We weren’t allowed to go to our apartment during prime pros (prime pros is holy time dedicated for finding investigators. It’s considered holy time because it’s time that investigators are out and ready to hear our message moreso than any other time. Since it’s holy time there’s special rules that only apply during that time.) But to make matters worse - my comp made up her own rules, like she didn’t allow me to buy tampons during prime pros because it’s not holy in her book. So I had to go to members houses in bloody clothes.
There was a dumb rule that members weren’t allowed to feed us throughout the week. Since I served 13 wards and 2 branches, our schedules were often so full that some days we had to go without eating. I used to have to give 4 talks a Sunday and go to several Stake meetings afterwards. One member of the Stake once said “Sister, smile” after I hadn’t eaten at all that day, just finished 4 talks (biked to each ward to give them) and was sleep deprived. I shot daggers at him from my eyes after he said that.
We were only given 1 hour to make and eat lunch. If you didn’t make and eat food within that time then you had to go without. My comp believed that overbooking our schedule makes us better missionaries so she constantly scheduled meetings with members during our lunch time.
I had to read talks during comp study every morning about how “obeying with exactness” and how “God will only bless you if you obey with exactness.” And I was forced to read the mission handbook every day. I read it several times cover to cover on my mission.
Then I went through a full blown faith crisis after reading the gospel topics essays and Institute Manual.
It was hard going to members houses, hearing them talk about their son that’s on their mission and loving it and how I must love my mission and I had to keep my mouth shut.
I prayed to God every day that I would get hit by a car. I had never been so depressed. At the end of my mission, I was so scared of my companion that I ran away from her. The police were called. All the missionaries drove around looking for me. Obviously they found me.
(Side note - it wasn’t until the end of my mission I learned that my STL had the EXACT same experience with her when they were companions together. My STL was also scared of her.)
My mission Pres tried to talk me into staying but by that point I was done. I went home after the 4 month mark.
My experience definitely left a bad taste in my mouth toward the church. I still get haunted by my memories and go to therapy. It changed me. I’ll never be the same. Now members love to bring up how I “only served for 4 months.” I bet they wouldn’t have lasted a month on my mission.
Is this normally how missions go? Are they normally set up this way and have this type of environment? Or is my experience a unique one?

I don't even know where to start. At the moment I am just feeling so confused and angry.
The planning of my wedding with my fiance has begun early enough. I was so nervous and wanted to plan and finish everything early. Everyone calmed me down and told me that we have enough time left.
I asked around and requested offers for decoration, for the venue, food etc. Again, everyone told me they had it under control. My FIL took over the venue, my fiance and I decided on the menue. It wasn't that much to think about but still, I wanted it done.
I was deciding on which offer I should take for the decoration of the restaurant we chose. My Mum's best friend which also happens to be our neighbour said she would do that and decorate for me since it would be a lot less expensive. I said that it was fine as long as she was sure she could do it. So we started looking at decoration online and I ordered everything she told me to order. I also told her that money doesn't matter I would rather have more of something than not enough. She said that it would be enough and to order just as she said. I did and told her that it his her responsibility now and she has to take the lead. She agreed and also told me that she know of a great florist where she can get all the flowers from and that she would organise vases for them too. I let her do her job.
Turns out she didn't do her job. She called me twi days ago and asked me if I ordered any flowers and vases. Immediately I was angry because she told me she would do it. And now months have passed and nothing happened? I stayed calm and told her that I didn't do any of that. The wedding was 4 days away at that point. She then said it would be fine and she'd do that the same day.
She also told me my Mum has been crying because I wouldn't follow any of the traditions of our home country. Like that the groom and his family come with multiple cars to pick me up at our place etc. Turns out my FIL spoke with my fiance about this and my fiance said he would organise that. He didn't. I never knew about it because my Mum hasn't said anything to me. I didn't even know about this tradition until she screamed it at me over the phone while I was at work.
I then started to organise this (while at work) because the wedding was 3 days away. I ordered everything and too much of it I'm sure but I didn't care. My Mum has been picking and scolding me for the last 4 days and every day she found something different that hasn't been taken care of and she blames it all on me. I literally don't understand if it's really my fault that the flowers weren't order, that the vases haven't been purchased, that the tablecloths I was told to order weren't long enough, that I didn't have any idea about the tradition of being picked up. Is it my fault?
Last night I finally burst. I cried and screamed at my Mum when she came into my room and told me that "I would even tell you all of this if your FIL was here" reffering to the scolding and how everything is my fault. I started crying and told her to not speak to me like that when I'm getting married in just 3 days and I'm emotional anyways. I told her that how could she tell me stuff like that and get angry with ME when it wasn't MY job to order and organise everything. I asked her how could she swear at ME when I didn't know that they would come pick me up until yesterday. I asked her how she could seriously tell me (more than once) that I srewed up and cause 100 problems for HER to fix. Of course she denied she ever talked to me like that. (She's been like this my whole life, denying everything and putting herself in the place of the victim.)
During my breakdown my mother was on the phone with my older sister (27F) who wanted to show us things she had left from her own wedding a few years ago. She heard my cries and tried to calm me down saying how she knows exactly how I feel. When she was getting married my mother and her whole family told my sister to have her wedding dress shortened by a friend/neighbour of our uncle. My sister was hesitant and would've rather did it professionally but my Mum somehow convinced her. Everyone told my sister that the woman does her job right etc, Well, guess what, She fucked up massively. And everyone turned on MY SISTER and told her it was her own fault and she should've let it done professionally. Including my mother.
I understand that she gets me and knows how I feel, but it doesn't help me. I just couldn't listen to any more bullshit about how everything is my fault from my mother.
I went to my room to cry and she eventually came in to swear at me even more. I totally screamed at her and asked her if she even listens. If she even listened to any word I said? If she even listened to any fucking word SHE said to me? Does she listen to herself? How could she deny literally everything? She then got up and said she would get her phone to prove to me she didn't say any of those things. I literally just screamed at the top of my lungs at how ridiculous she was. She wanted to get PROVE that she was in the right? Against her own daughter who is about to get MARRIED? I couldn't believe my ears.
It didn't even matter if she was in the right or if I was. I just got so hurt because she thought whe has to prove to me and everyone that ma feelings and the things I said are wrong.
I just picked up a random hoodie and stormed out of the house and ran into the woods nearby. When I found a spot I sat there crying and bawling my eyes out for almost 3 hours. It was cold and raining but I just didn't care.
My little sister (16F) texted me asking where I was and if she could help me in any way. She heared the whole screaming contest at home but didn't interfere. I ignored her and everyone else (my mother didn0t even try to call or text me).
I got home after it got dark. Our neighbour was in our living room planning something, actually doing the job she said she would do months ago. I didn't care. I didn't spare her or anyone else a look and went straight to my room and to sleep.
I definitely got a little sick from being out in the cold yesterday and my eyes were never this puffy from crying so much.
Please, I just want my wedding day to be good and drama free. But I just know I cannot look my mother in the eyes in 2 days because of how angry I am at her. How do I calm down? What do I do? Any advice is appreciated.
TL;DR: I am getting married in 2 days and stuff hasn't been organised by the people who said they would do it. Now my mother has been telling me for days how everything is my fault and that I caused every problem. How do I calm down and ignore her continuing scolding?

My life has gone downhill, I need some perspective or insight. URGENT
It's going to be long, but please, hear me out.
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I began 2024 hospitalized after a rotavirus disease. It was a difficult time for me because I wasn't able to stop going to the restroom all the time. I spent 2 weeks in the hospital after I got better, I noticed that I had relapsed into anxiety. It spiked to the point where I started to get panic attacks again, most of it because of obsessive thoughts, I guess? first, it started because my friends smoked weed (for some reason the fact they smoked weed caused me to get anxious) then after I got better, I began to develop thoughts about food (I recovered from an ED. I thought if I ate food then I was dirty because it was not nutritious, I was on the line for developing Orthorexia, but my nutritionist stopped it before it could start) once my relationship with food healed again and the distorted thoughts stopped, temporal relief, and then I began to have intrusive thoughts and anxiety about using antidepressants because I thought I would hurt people(I read something on Twitter, which caused me to fall into a rabbit hole of medical conditions and terms) It got very bad that at some point I passed out, ended up in the ER. I went to see a psychiatrist who used to attend to me before and recommended TMS. The thing is, he didn't do it correctly. (one week, 2 hours, right side of brain, one ketamine) I found out later that the sessions should last longer and shorter, and that combining ketamine with TMS is something not practiced yet. Post-tms sessions I felt weird, off, anxious, and impending doom, I got worse. Then the Dr started to talk about things that weren't about my therapy and treatment, he belittled my business and told me to forget about my parents, that I should get over everything, and that he doesn't have time for me. Then, lastly, he started to say I was suicidal and that he was going to send me to Costa Rica and told me I had no choice in the matter (Now, I have never tried to take my life. I would cut sometimes, but it was superficial) he acted unethical, never listened to me, and never told me what was going on and why I was feeling that way.
I left. went to another psychiatrist (lucky for me, she took space for me) the same day because I had a panic attack (5 in a day) and I guess I ended up having internal panic attacks, silent, unmoving, lifeless) when she attended me she gave me a diagnosis: OCD, depression, and anxiety. She increased the dosage of my meds.
The thing is, I went to a psychologist who knew the previous doctor. She is really good at treating people with CBT and specializes in trauma (but she treats my sister). But, she said something that made me question myself and everything and put me extremely anxious. She told me that I had BPD, most of it because of depression, OCD, and anxiety. Mostly, based on family history, I guess.
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She said that I had three traits which puts me on BPD. But, as far as I'm concerned BPD is a disorder. She said it wasn't.
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I looked up the symptoms and I have never displayed intense emotions, inappropriate anger, impulsivity, or chronic feelings of emptiness, my emotions don't swift intensely, or out of touch. I told her about my skepticism regarding the symptoms, but she said that from what I have been through I have BPD (trauma of my parent's divorce, my parents fighting in the past, and me being the person to stop the fights) that my body uses it as a defense mode.
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isn't this a personality disorder?
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she says she uses the symptoms as a bullet to cross out the symptoms for remission.
While I have self-harmed and sometimes thought of dead (usually when I'm too anxious) I don't think I have BPD. My current psychiatrist says I have OCD, then there is this psychologist who says I have BPD, mostly, because the OCD, depression, and anxiety fall into BPD traits. But, I'm not explosive,
I've always been calm, hated arguments, and never suffered from constant mood swings. As a teen, I didn't have depression until senior year, and was put on zoloft, then put on cymbalta when I turned 22.
My anxiety and panic attacks developed when my parents divorced. I was then stable and finally felt happy for the first time in my life in 2023.
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I'm feeling like I'm going crazy, I don't want to have BPD, and I'm now questioning everything, and myself. Have I manipulated people? am I manipulating myself to believe I don't have BPD? am I manipulating my mother? what if this isn't my real personality?
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I know I have a lot of empathy and I recognize that I'm sentimental. I have been through a lot. My parents divorced and to this day I still mourn the loss of a family (even if I'm 25)
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the thought of having BPD is giving me anxiety. What should I do? what is your perspective? I'm scared, I feel like I'm drowning. does someone here also have BPD that can give some insight?
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That lasts seven years, right? I guess we could say this is accurate? Even Dad admitted it. At this point we can only blame ourselves for these shitty financial circumstances.
The week you died, the story of DeeDee and Gypsy Rose broke out. I'll always remember this, because there was no way I could ever tell this to you, considering how it ends. But the actual story prior to that was almost haunting for me to read about. Lil sis mentioned she'd watched the documentary (apparently not making any connection to you until she said the words "Mommie Dead and Dearest" out loud). This was as we sat in the hospital waiting room, waiting for your time to finally leave us. Aunt R then says she knew a MSbP mom that was the parent of one of her students... I never heard more about that from her, or much of anything. I'm sure you've been watching and you know about her and your baby brother. I miss them so much.
Those parents you criticized for living apart/keeping their kids apart instead of sending the older one away Susan and Michael Schofield have since, post divorce, separately had their parental rights terminated for both their kids. Their younger son, the baby when we saw them on Oprah in 2009, remains in foster care and they can't see him.
And right now, one of my best friend's mom's is in a very public MSbP case where she's fighting the public schools and making the most ridiculous demands... this is my friend's little sister, my friend who I haven't talked to in years. It's really hard to watch...
Needless to say the term "Munchausen by Proxy" is reaching the mainstream. And it's become increasingly obvious among my psychiatrists/therapists how much the abuse you put me through during my adolescent years played the part in my life I always thought it did... it was The Thing That Traumatized Me More Than Anyone Dying. I now had to play damage control with the school town once they realized how far you would go in terms of getting revenge/what you think you were owed.
I did a lot of that with the contractors on our house, which has gotten me to start my business and my friend P (yes, same name as your brother) to help me out. He is motivated to get his life on the right track and, I recently learned, tries to serve as a role model to his younger friend, which I respect.
But the problem is that the person I wanted to build a life with, did not understand why this was abuse. Or at the very least, she didn't think it was "bad" enough compared to anything dad might have put us through. And I bet it won't surprise you lil sis is not a fan of hers despite never once having met her face to face. But the conversation that happened last month before the wedding (yes, she finally married him!) well... it didn't exactly go well. I'm not sure what happened either since I wasn't even around for it
Dad, though... you'd be surprised. Despite what she thought of him, he's understood she can only see life through her unique perspective that's based on a lot of "filling in the blanks". I think he understands her once I pointed out to him that given their MBTIs, they have more similarities than he and I do. You and I, of course, are the same in that regard (INFP/ENFP right on the introvert/extrovert border, a.k.a. the thing I can never get straight about myself!) We were SO much alike in so many ways, it was insane...
But somehow you were able to break me mentally so I would never get "too strong", "too smart", "too confident in my truth because I could use it to bring you down"... I truly believe it was paranoia that drove you to do this, which had more to do with your own untreated mental illness vs anything I might have said/done back then.
I'm starting to realize how much of it was always going to remain unresolved because you wouldn't even admit you had a problem, psychologically or in terms of alcohol (which, by the way, I've since realized no human being could drink the amount of alcohol you could, remain perpetually upbeat, and barely gain weight...)
That's why I was saying to dad tonight, "there was nothing we could have done to save her."
You didn't WANT to be saved. You wanted to self-destruct, on your terms, while hiding from us that's what you were doing. I'd say this was going on at least for the 12 years after your mother died, once you had no "parental supervision" anymore. Certainly I know how much that's changed my own life since I don't get that way with dad.
And let's keep our fingers crossed that your first grandchild will come to fruition sometime soon. Your parents, who were both born over a century ago, are still waiting for their first great grandchild. I really did wanna be the one to provide this, but I couldn't be happier that this kid is gonna grow up in a better environment than I could ever give mine.

Firstly, I been part of the community for a while which have somewhat helped me with my journey driving for lyft. I been driving for 10 months in DMV area (for someone who might have a similar experience to let me know or make sense of what happened to me)
So, I got this ride and when I pulled up into the area this lady waved and shouted hey and asked to stop so I stopped and turned around my car and parked with my emergency lights on, after like 2 mins a little girl hopped into the car ( it was an entrance to sometype of parking lot area where I was parked ) and it was dark so I asked your mom coming and she said yes so I waited like 5 more minutes and I could see the lady who stopped and waved at me talking to bunch of other people and then everyone(the people she was with) start leaving its like 6 mins in and this little kid didnt said a word didnt said that we gotta go or anything, so I am like ok, these cars r exiting right beside me and I see the same lady walking pass when she saw me she came to the window and said is there a problem I said yea I am the lyft U called and she said Yeah and she is going(pointed at the girl), I am like she is minor someone has to go with her, she speaks from behind I AM 13, so the lady said wait she went to the car behind me talked to somebody, this car( fully tinted cant see who inside)pulled up rightt beside me, she(the same lady) came and said I am her aunt she is 13 she will be ok we will be tracking her and something in my adhd brain said say ok start the ride and go which I did ( please dont judge me for this, judging me is not important) I was having a bad gut feeling but it could be just nothing I am just over reacting (few times i do had unaccompanied minors mostly from schools never took the ride cancel everytime but this time the whole vibe is different) so during the ride I am hyper focused on the road for like 5-10 minutes and then I just asked her what's her name she spoke very low voice I couldn't hear her so, I tried a different question and I asked when is her birthday and she said june 21 so I said Oh its next month, You are almost 14 and she said nothing, I asked if she go to school and she said yeas I asked what grade she is in she said nothing but because she responded my questions somewhat and you know talking to a stranger can be intimidating as a kid so I was like I am just thinking too much just get over with this ride and after the ride report to lyft unaccompanied minor in help. Then when I reached to the place and the street was well lit and made a small joke(ok big girl we are here) just before ending the ride I turned around to see her and she was NOT 13 I have a sister who is 12 I know what a 13 year old looks like and I really cannot tell for sure when she was in the car but when she stepping outside and I see her and it hit me she was was like 7-8 years old maxx 9 I doubt it but def not 13 which also does not make it any better anyways and she was looking back at me with a smile on her face while exiting my car, something about that child was not right. Something about her whole demeanor was not right. She had a shortsleeve hoodie typa top when she sat in the car her hoodie was on but when she exited the car her hoodie was off and I could see her face and something about that child was not right there were markes on her arms not like something crazy but something I noticed and she kept eye contact while exiting and even after exiting and went somehwere behind the parked cars and I left that place went offline report to lyft went home. Its on my mind. I dont know what to do its been 2 days lyft said they have banned them from the platform. I might be overreacting or that child was in danger I dont know. I have quit rideshare after this incident. Also what should I do should report it to police or something. Also one more thing I would like to add I know alot of people will say I would have cancelled and never took that ride but if you are from DMV there are certain areas here where its better to mind your own business and do not start something that you could not handle because things move really fast here and can get really ugly really quicky. At the time the best decision I could make looking at the given circumstances was to complete this ride and get over with it. Regardless its not sitting with me right. Its bothering me. No parent will send there 7-8yr old lets say 13 year old alone at night in a lyft anywhere. The whole thing was bizzare. Please help me out with an advice . Should I report to authorities or let it go becaue might be over reacting. I really feel for that child safety and my conscience is not letting it go. The child did not look healthy physically . The child had marks on her face well. Please give me advice.

I’m(25M) trying to keep this objective, even though that’s really impossible in these cases, so excuse me if I just state things bluntly. I’m getting married. I’m supposed to be thrilled about the ceremony but my family, mainly my father (M50) and my sisters ‘F22’’F30’ are being awful. My father and I haven’t exactly been on the best of terms. Long story short, he sorta raised me by always making me afraid of him, threats of violence, sometimes real, government got involved, they do nothing, parents get divorced, my dad got custody of me, whatever. After a few years in the military, I meet the man’M27’ of my dreams, Dylan. I come out to my family, met with mixed reviews. Ultimately, they say they’ll always love me, despite the years of hearing pretty bad homophobic comments by all of them before coming out, except my mom’45’ truly a very kind woman, even if a bit unbalanced; Who can blame her, my dad kinda put her through the wringer, never hit her, but wasn’t good to her. Mom dies, incredibly sad time, she sorta held the family together(as best as one could).
I get engaged during Covid, Dylan and I decide to wait until after the worst of the pandemic. The time has come! I tell my family in January,“We are getting married in June, does anyone have phone numbers of family members so I can start sending out save the dates?” and my sisters say I should find out contact info myself. I ask once more “you don’t have any contact info?” (I have a new phone, it’s been a process getting people’s numbers) I am not only met with another no this time but a “sounds like you want other people to do work for you, and then when we don’t, you’ll complain that we aren’t being supportive”. A wonderfully insightful comment. Truth is, after that, they all collectively ghosted me.
Months pass, Dylan and I are sending out save the dates! People begin RSVPing here and there, except my family. They don’t rsvp anything for one month actually. I send digital copies to them. No response. I call my father. I ask why they haven’t responded. He said they haven’t arrived yet. Questionable. The delivery service we used delivers within 7 days(Sundays too). He says he’s disappointed in me. ! . He says I intentionally picked the day he married my mom. I say I had no clue as they got divorced 15 years ago and she’s been dead for three. He says I’m lying to him. I’m wondering why this offends him. He says “when I don’t come to your wedding, you’ll think about how poorly you’ve treated your father” that and a bunch of “we are not equals”.
Well I say he’s a bad dad for being so petty and that if anyone helped in planning, even the smallest bit like calling showing support, they would’ve been queued in on all the details before they became finalized. He hangs up. I remove his name from the RSVP list, invite a gay friend in his place, that’s that. My family gives me shit for a “last minute heads up for the wedding” I have receipts, I send a screenshot of the text notifying them when the wedding was Six Months in Advance. They talk shit. Convo over. All said and done.
Or so I thought
My little sister says dad is coming anyway. I say she should tell him to call because it’s going to be pretty awkward with a gay man in his chair. She says I should call him. I am at my breaking point with him, I am not calling. Someone else cancels their RSVP(simple: they can’t make it) I reserve it for my dad because I do want him to be there, I just want him to call before the wedding so we can talk. My sister again tells me to let her RSVP my dad (he’s bad with computers), I tell her it doesn’t involve her, she should tell my dad to call (she lives with him). She says some pretty hurtful things, and reveals that I didn’t even know she was graduating from college tomorrow. She never informed me that she was, even after I asked her how school was two months before. She deliberately left it out, said I’m not supportive of our family, ends communication.
My older sister RSVPs: exciting. I figure out the seating chart, hit her up, ask her if she’s okay sitting with certain people. She reveals she never RSVPed at all. She never even got the invite that was at my dad’s/little sister’s house. She said she wouldn’t be able to come as she is finishing her clinicals and she can’t miss a day. I’m confused, who RSVPed her? And then I realized something incredibly petty had occurred. My little sister was convinced my dad wouldn’t have a spot at the wedding. She RSVPed my older sister to guarantee my dad a spot. This was three days ago, I asked her if she knew why our older sister was RSVPed and she won’t respond.
I genuinely am at a loss for what to do with their behavior. How are they managing to be the single most difficult part of planning this wedding? How am I supposed to even confront this behavior? What do I do when my family is acting like this? They are still coming to the wedding, my little sister and my dad. They’re just being awful all the way until the date it seems.
Edit: adding detail

I’ve told this story before I think and my spouse has heard it a thousand times but I will never be over this.
So here’s the story I knew up until I was 23. My parents got divorced.I had asked my mom and dad why they got divorced and my dad always said “we were just different people.” While my mother would just start talking shit about my dad. I was like 9 or 10 and the weekend my dad moved out of the house, my nmom and my grandma took me on a trip to a family reunion (we don’t have time to get into the irony of this). We were at the hotel and I’m swimming in the pool. My mom starts talking to this guy on the pool deck. Now, my Nmom is always making friends/talking to random strangers so I thought nothing of it. My mom jumps in the pool with me and this new guy we’ll call C follows her in. Now this part of gonna sound weird, but I truely with my whole heart believe this man had the kindest of intentions. He was awesome! He taught me how to make big waves with my hands and squirt water by squeezing my hands a certain way. He was throwing dive sticks he brought with him, seriously a cool guy. My Nmom was there the whole time and considering the circumstances, I was having a great weekend.
Next day we show up to the family reunion and who is there but C! I’m like “oh! He’s a cousin. That’s why my mom was friendly with him! Makes perfect sense.” And I thought nothing of this.
That is until I was 23. I was texting my friend (who’s mom is my mothers former best friend daughter) about just how awful my mother is and she responds “I can’t believe your dad married that cheater.” This caught me off guard completely. I asked her what do you mean my mom cheated. She apologized profusely and then said she thought I knew. She knew my mom cheated because her mom helped my mom cheat. Mind you I was at work when this happened and I was losing my mind. What do you mean my mom cheated on my dad?!
An hour later my friends mom texts me and asks what I wanted to know and I said everything. She told me the real story of why my mom and dad got divorced. My mom had cheated on my dad with several men. Turns out my mom was using these men’s credit cards to buy whatever she wanted. My dad found out and apparently the whole thing went down at my friends house where my mom was caught with her new boyfriend.
My friends mom apologized and said she believed my mothers lies about how terrible of a person my dad was so she helped her cheat. That honestly I didn’t care about. My mom did the shitty thing not her and my mom is a professional gaslighter and manipulator.
The part that got me was when I asked for the guys name. She told me she only remembers the first name and it was C. Now I hadn’t thought of C’s name in a long time but I instantly knew who she was talking about.
My mother made me meet the man she was cheating on my dad with the weekend my dad got kicked out of the house due to my mothers cheating.
My mother fucking made me meet him.
I MET HIM.
I had a good time. I would think about that day occasionally about how a random strangelong lost family member cheered me up on a shitty weekend.
BUT THATS NOT WHAT HAPPENED.
My mother had me meet the man she was banging for his credit card so she could buy nice things.
When I tell you everything in my life clicked with just the name dropped. My mother has always complained about being poor but has always had multiple credit cards and was always on vacation. My mom ate out every single day and never bought groceries. My mom would leave at like 2am all the time when she thought I was asleep. My mom was constantly texting people on her phone almost litterally 24/7.
I know to y’all this might seem obvious, but to me this was just normalized. And she had convinced me she was never going to date again after my dad.
My dad is a fucking Saint as far as I’m concerned. My dad had every right to talk shit about my mom but never did. He deserves an award. He lost a house, car, and some (not all) custody of his kids. Fuck my shitty sister didn’t even want to go over to his house at all and didn’t when she turned 14 because my mother had infected her with all of her lies. My dad never said shit. And fuck if he had every right too. My dad still talks good about my mom because he’s a good fucking person.
Meanwhile the cheating Hoebag of an egg doner was out spreading so many lies about my dad. Saying he was a bad dad and never there and always at the bar drinking. All because she cheated and couldn’t have people knowing. Im NC with my mom now but at the time that I learned this, she had financial power over me so I could never bring it up and I had to pretend I didn’t know. Im still mad about the fact that she had me meet C of all things and never told me who he was.
If you got this far, thank you for reading. I needed to rant because while I’ve had other traumatic events in my life, somehow this is the one I always fall back to when I’m in my bad depression/anxious days. This is the story that reminds me to stay NC. I hated my mom before for being an ass to me but learning what she did to my dad takes the cake.
In case you’re wondering, C had sense knocked into him and broke up with my mom shortly after I met him. My mom fell into a depression and begged my dad to come back but he said no. I’m proud of him.

I see this spider shaped "fog" out of the corner of my eye, but I can feel like a sticky web is stuck to my foot mainly but also my legs and this entity has some sort of consciousness - crawling over me and attaching to my back. I get back pain from it around my lumbar region. When it materialises, I can see many of these entities that are about the size of a small dog (chihuahua). I know they are real because my dog starts to suddenly jump up and look around confused whenever they are around.
They first materialised around me after I was attempting Astral Projection back in 2016. I thought life was all about sensations and astral projection had no risks. However several people have told me that if you AP when you are high (especially stimulants like marching powder - especially in large amounts like 10g /day) can cause us to appear like a beacon to other spirits,and some astral creatures exist by feeding on the damaged astral body that often occurs when substance misuse is present.
I remember closing my eyes for about the 20th time and up til this point I had never had these spider entities around me. My vision was like a dark gray but I could see the outline of things in this sort of colourless substance that is iridescent at the same time as lacking any specific colour.
Anyway as I am flying, suddenly something comes right up in front of my face. All I can see is hateful eyes, and I am scared. I snap back to my body but every time I shut my eyes, this horrible inhuman yet humanoid face is there. I can only describe it as two eyes a nose and a mouth with a facial skin resembling either bark or incredibly ancient skin. The eyes are yellow and it emanates hatred.
Shit starts happening around the basement flat we live in. It was haunted anyway (we used to always see these swirling masses hovering over the bed myself and my GF slept in - with the occasional hand being visible). One night it begins to SA my GF. Every single night she has to endure the incredible delicate sensation of a hand caressing her bits. She found it pleasant and actually let it do its thing. However one time I hear her moaning and I turn over and for a split second there is this disgusting blob like thing with a male face at the top, is sitting astride her in the bed. I shout at it and in a second it vanishes.
I know people won't believe this but it is 100% true. next thing that happens is the strangest. I buy a cheap Dell laptop form a bargain laptop site. I upgrade the RAM and pay £800 for an i7 with 32GB. My girlfriend has a Dell XPS 17 that at this time in 2017 is like almost 10 years old. She has never had any issues with it, and my laptop is brand new.
2 days after it was delivered and I have been using it, I notice a black spot on the screen. I identify it as dead pixels. I have NEVER had a dead pixel in my 30 years of owning computers and many, many laptops. So the 1 dead pixel becomes 2 which becomes 4 and it keeps doubling. After 3 days, another separate dead pixel appears beside the original. Strangely its neighbours are also dying. Great I need to buy a new screen. It arrives a day later. I kid you not, 2 days later, exactly the same location, a dead pixel appears on this completely new laptop monitor. 3 days after it has spread, another location starts to fail. Over the next 2 weeks, I see the strangest thing, Some of the dead pixels seem to be back on and yet others have died. The shapes look like two little wings, but they are still changing.
A week later, I open my laptop after not using for a week, and I am shocked. I see what feels like two eyes on the screen. They look very similar to the eyes I can see still when I close my eyes. The face has stepped back a bit but it still scares me. In the end I have to close my eyes and start to try and turn my focus away from this nasty creature. As soon as I manage to do this, I hear a ping from the laptop. The screen is moving, and suddenly drops on one side. It won't close now so I have to open the laptop to see what the issue is. Turns out the left hand hinge which is like a tall letter L shape has a clean break right across it in a location that doesn't suffer from stress and shouldn't fatigue.
I order a new hinge and it arrives. As I am installing it, my girlfriend sounds angry and sighs loudly. She says her main but old Dell XPS 17 seems to be stuck in the open position. I tell her I will look when I have fixed mine. It doesn't take long, and I open up her laptop. I cannot believe my eyes - the hinge is broken in the same exact position. I show my GF who doesn't believe me asking if they are meant to be in pieces at that point. I tell her no and I order a replacement hinge for her. No sooner does the hinge arrive then the other side hinge breaks. Not in the same location but this is beyond coincidence.
There is always this feeling throughout the flat that something is walking around, and one night I am absolutely terrified because something wakes me up with footsteps approaching the bed. It is a very low down position and the room is pitch black but I can see the outline of something 8ft tall and 5 ft wide stood there, I look at where its face should be and I cannot believe what I am looking at.
I was raised by my Aunt Mary and Uncle Sid after my father committed suicide in front of 7 year old me and my 5 year old sister because I finally told someone he was doing harm to my sister. I told a teacher and in those days they didn;t call the police but the parent. They literally tell him everything I said and tell him that he needs to come in and explain the hypersexualised behaviour we are displaying. He beat the life out of me that night and the next day he keeps saying "this is your fault" and I am sobbing and my sister too. He goes upstairs and hangs himself. My sister never screamed like that ever before or since.
Anyway this is how I end up with my Aunt Mary and Uncle Sid. They had never been able to have children after my Uncle was caught in a bomb blast working during WW2 at Rolls Royce factory thanks to a lucky guess from a Nazi bomber. He retires aged 50 when the pain is too much. The doctors didn't even tell him they were going to have to remove most of his intestines and his manhood due to internal bleeding from secondary blast site damage. They are 66 and 68 when I go to live with them aged 8 It's hard because I am living a lifestyle unlike anyone else, and my aunt is so afraid for my safety that she forbids me playing out - no football or anything. I get into computers luckily and this is how I end up with a job I love in a well paying field.
Anyway I can see their faces on this thing. They are clear as day but faint. They look young - around 20 - but they have blank faces that just stare at me. I get a feeling that these are NOT my loved ones. I turn over and am so scared. I hear it moving and I can somehow tell that it is furious I have turned my back on it but it cannot directly hurt me, but I feel the mattress dip as though it is climbing on the bed. I feel a strong shove in the back and a scratch on my shoulder that stings really badly. I jump up and wouldn't you know - 3 scratch marks. The sort that they blame demons for. That;s what this feels like but when I turned, nothing is there.
It was here that I start experiencing such a strange feeling like my body is moving due to something heavy climbing up my back. I get a tickling on the top of my head. I get harassed and assailed by these spiders climbing on me. The weird thing is that after an attack, if I look around where it seemed to com, there is a spider or at least the Web.
I can pull them off me and they will freak out if I put them over a candle flame. They also flee from anything sharp like a pin.
Ultimately the issue is that whenever I try to sleep, these things appear out of thin air. There is sometimes a "web" visible again with these beings. It is iridescent yet corporeal and etheric. The web looks like no web any spider ever made. It is two dimensional - appearing like a sort of "wall" in front of you. There are multiple points on the web - like little hexagons - that appear to radiate outwards strands of web in this lattice layout.
Why can I not meditate even? Because this seems to excite them and they come out to attack you. Where they are they will always burrow.