Thank you letter for internal job interview

Hello all, i am 22 years old (M) from indiana. back in november of last year i had to go to the hospital unexpectedly for something that turned out to be very minor and nothing really needed done afterwards. 45 minutes later got some antibiotics and a nice $7,000 bill. for context the job i was working never ended up putting me on their health insurance after being with them for almost a year so i got screwed and stuck with a large bill which i cannot afford. i live on my own not by my choice and barely scrape by every month and basically have no family to help with this.
I tried my best to write the hospital a letter explaining my situation and hoping they could take some of the bills since im aware some places have a budget for that kind of thing. but of course it was ignored and they proceeded to send all of my bills to collections. so at this point i dont know what to do and honestly im kind of worried. do i file bankruptcy? do i ignore the collections company? so many people have said different things im just overwhelmed.
any advice or help is appreciated, thanks for reading.

Has anyone here worked in that position and did you like it? Any tips to prepare for the interview? I want to get more info about what the job actually is so I can do better in the interview.

I finished my first year in communications but I dropped out to pursue other things since I didn't like the major. After a couple years of exploring my interests, I now want to finish my bachelors in computer science. The best offer I've gotten so far is from a school in California for 22k a year as well as all of my credits transferring. So l'd graduate in 3 years. I'm wondering if that's worth it or not? The original offer was 35k but I managed to qualify for a few other exclusive scholarships. Still trying to decide if that's worth it. I can also stay home and take a 50k sales job but I hate sales lmao. Any advice? Thank you in advance.

For context: I just graduated from Law School in May and I’m trying to get a job in the policy/legislative field (not an attorney position). I’ve had one interview but not much luck outside of that. I should note that I usually only keep the preschool job listed when the job I’m applying for relates to education or child welfare policy. I'll appreciate any advice you have!
https://preview.redd.it/as1bvh8odt4d1.png?width=1286&format=png&auto=webp&s=d7c863e988294f27e96850d85268a8519e699c82

I (21m) want to ask a girl (19f) out on a date, but my problem is that i don't know how since i don't really talk with her.
I know it Sounds weird but here is a small back story, i know her from a few years ago, we had some Common friends and had a few really small talks, so i Saw her Sometimes before, fast Forward to present time, i Saw her again after a Long time, She didn't know/recognize me since i was hardly around the same friends before and also changed in appereance . She still looks the same but has also changed as a person (and also a Little bit in looks), from the Times i Saw her (at her job) She is really friendly and bubbly, so i genuinly like her vibe.
Now for some time i started to consider to try and date around and i actually want to ask her out, but i don't know how, since we actually have small talks only at Times when i am visiting her work.
I do follow her on instagram (from back then, that's how i have her on there)
I would really appreciate any advice, Thank you in Advance!

Hey guys, I recently applied for a on campus job, then I got a email for a interview (which will be tomorrow). Does anyone know what’s a on campus job interviews like? What questions should I prepared for?
Thanks!

Context: For this booking, I will be booking Will Ospreay's path to becoming the AEW World Champion (as this will for sure be happening at some point) and will begin from where we last left off with Ospreay winning the Casino Gauntlet match to become #1 Contender. I'll be breaking up this fantasy booking into multiple parts. Without further ado, lets get started! (writing this post on 6/3/2024). Since I'm doing multiple parts, the descriptions will be longer, sorry in advance!
The Build to AEW Forbidden Door 2024:

• We begin our story on the next episode of Dynamite where we have a new number one contender in Will Ospreay and commentary shows a match graphic for Forbidden Door with Swerve Strickland and Will Ospreay for the AEW World Championship will be the main event of the PPV. Swerve Strickland (with Prince Nana) open the show with an in-ring segment. Swerve talks about how being the World Champion has changed his life for the better and takes great pride in being a champion that will take on anyone at any time, especially if it means proving that he is the best in the world. However, despite this, he has still heard what some people have said, and that there may be someone else that should be called the best in AEW (crowd chants “Ospreay!”, “Ospreay!”, “Ospreay!”). Swerve says that he has a lot of respect for Ospreay for his accomplishments and what he can do in the ring, and would like to look into his eyes and meet his challenger face-to-face. However, it is not Ospreay that comes out. Instead it is Roderick Strong and the rest of the Undisputed Kingdom that show up on the ramp. Roderick Strong is not amused and says that he is being overlooked by Swerve and if Swerve is wanting to look into the eyes of the best that AEW has to offer, than to look no further than himself (Roderick Strong).Strong continues on by saying that losing the International Championship to Will Ospreay hurt almost as badly as when he hurt his neck, and beating Swerve for the World Championship will make that pain go away when he brings gold back to the Undisputed Kingdom. Swerve Strickland tells Roderick Strong to not be mistaken, and that he’s not overlooking him but admits he doesn’t have much respect for him because instead of earning his opportunity like a true champion, he had to whine, bitch, and moan to Tony until he gifted him an opportunity. Swerve says that Roddy better give him everything he’s got because he (Swerve) didn’t come this far as champion only to lose before it truly got started. Strong tells Swerve that he’s going to bring the fight to Swerve… “and so will they”. All of the sudden, Matt Taven, Mike Bennett, and Wardlow come down to the ring and brawl with Swerve and the numbers advantage is too much for Swerve to handle alone. After laying the boots to Swerve, Taven and Bennett throw him to Wardlow to be powerbombed, but before he can, Will Ospreay comes down to make the save. Taven, Bennett, and Wardlow exit the ring (though Wardlow looks to want to continue fighting) and leave with Strong. Backstage, Ospreay checks on Swerve to make sure he’s okay. Swerve thanks Will for the assist and Ospreay offers to have his back tonight but before anything more can be said, Don Callis shows up into frame and Swerve leaves to get taped up by medical personnel (Don Callis says something like "Glad you're okay, champ!" as Swerve leaves). Don Callis tells Will Ospreay to stay out of tonight's match with Swerve Strickland and Roderick Strong and let Undisputed Kingdom do what they are going to do. Will Ospreay immediately protests this but Don Callis cuts him off and continues saying that this is a win-win situation for them. Callis tells Ospreay, "If Swerve somehow retains tonight, The Undisputed Kingdom will likely beat the hell out of him and he will be significantly weakened going into Forbidden Door and if Roderick Strong wins the world title, then we go up against someone that we have beaten already before and will beat again. This is perfect!". Ospreay is not on board with this at all but Callis persists, saying that if Ospreay wants to be a champion, you can't rely on just talent alone, but smarts and knowing when to strike and when to hang back are equally important in this business. Callis says that he's going to watch Takeshita and Trent Beretta's matches and then he'll wait for Ospreay on the jet. In the main event that night, Swerve Strickland is able to overcome all the odds (thanks to Will Ospreay coming out in the final stretch of the match and evening the odds after a lot of outside interference from the Undisputed Kingdom) and defeats Roderick Strong, retaining his AEW World Championship. After Will Ospreay has helped Swerve Strickland again, the two men shake hands but also have a stare down as Swerve Strickland holds up the AEW World Championship to close the show. During this, there is a brief shot of Don Callis seeing this all go down from the entrance ramp and he does not look amused.
• The next week on Dynamite, we learn that there will be a tag team match between Mike Bennett and Matt Taven of the Undisputed Kingdom going up against Swerve Strickland and Will Ospreay in a tag team match. We have a moment backstage where Will Ospreay is being interviewed until Don Callis again interrupts (and has the rest of the Callis family with him). Callis asks if Ospreay is ready for tonight and then tells him that after the match, he should consider "showing Swerve the Hidden Blade" (He says this after Takeshita just had a segment where he laid out one of his TNT Championship opponents after his match). Ospreay again, refuses to take Don's advice and says "that's not the type of man I am, Bruv, and not the kind of champion I am". Don tells Ospreay that he needs to trust him and that he has not lead him astray at any point. There's tension between Will Ospreay and Trent Beretta when Beretta openly sighs and rolls his eyes at Ospreay explaining why he won't do this. Ospreay tells Beretta that if he has something to say, then to keep it to himself because this has nothing to do with him and that quite frankly, he has no respect for Beretta for what he did to someone he once called a friend (it's shown that Ospreay is not a big fan of Trent being added to the group). After Trent says something else smart, Konsuke Takeshita and Kyle Fletcher get in between the two when it appears that things are starting to get really heated. Fletcher is able to calm Ospreay down and Ospreay leaves. Callis tells the family to not worry and "go to plan B". In the main event, Swerve Strickland and Will Ospreay defeat Taven and Bennett. Will Ospreay starts to go up the ramp while Swerve is celebrating in the ring until Swerve is attacked by Fletcher, Takeshita, and Beretta of the Don Callis family. Ospreay notices this and tries to intervene but Don Callis stands in front of him and tries to stop him from intervening as the rest of the family beats down Swerve. It takes a little bit but Ospreay is able to get in the ring and get in between Swerve, Takeshita, and Beretta. Ospreay calls them off, getting in their faces but Beretta is the one to push Ospreay and try again to get to Swerve to which Ospreay superkicks Beretta. Callis gets in between everyone to stop any more fighting and the Callis family leaves (Don and the other members do NOT look happy). As Ospreay looks up the ramp to make sure they leave, Swerve gets back to his feet and hits a superkick of his own to Ospreay and then hits House Call! Swerve stands tall over the fallen Ospreay (thinking Ospreay was part of this) and then leaves through the crowd as the family comes back to the ring. The show ends at this moment.
• On the next Dynamite, Swerve talks about how it's going to take more than a "family" attacking him each week to take the World Championship away from him. Swerve puts over what the World Championship means to him and how it has affected his life, putting over the importance of the belt in general and to him specifically (and how it's going to be really difficult taking it away from him). Don Callis interrupts and calls out Swerve Strickland for attacking Will Ospreay, saying that a true champion doesn't do that and attacks when facing their opponent (Oh Don Callis... you brilliant hypocrite). A match is made official between Swerve Strickland and Trent Beretta later that night (Takeshita will focus more on his TNT Championship ladder match). Later that night, Swerve Strickland defeats Trent Beretta and stands tall. However, as he turns around, Swerve is laid out by Hidden Blade from Will Ospreay! Ospreay gets payback for being laid out last week and stands tall over Swerve (to Don's delight). Backstage, Callis is OVER THE MOON with what Will Ospreay has done, happy that he has "taken his advice". Ospreay just says that the only reason why he did that was to repay the favor to Swerve. Ospreay leaves and Callis is like "Great job, Champ!". Later that week, Ospreay successfully defends the International Championship against Mark Briscoe in the main event of an episode of Collision.
• On the final go-home show of Dynamite before Forbidden Door, Swerve Strickland and Will Ospreay finally have their face-to-face and cut a promo on each other. This is about who is the best in AEW and Swerve Strickland wants to prove that he truly is the best, and is tired of hearing about "the billy GOAT" being better than he is when he is the AEW Champion. Swerve says that he will do whatever it takes to win the AEW Championship and that Ospreay better be prepared to do the same to beat him. Ospreay says that he has been the best everywhere that he has been and when he came to AEW, Swerve was one of the names he really wanted to face. Ospreay says that he respects Swerve as a wrestler and champion, but that he (Ospreay) will be the biggest test of Swerve's life as champion, and that we're going to find out what Swerve is truly made of. Ospreay begins to leave until Swerve says "hey, I meant what I said about being willing to do anything to retain. Just so you know, if you hesitate to hit me with 'THAT move' like you have in the past, you'll lose". Ospreay just looks at Swerve and says "Don't worry, it won't have to come to that". Ospreay leaves and Swerve is pissed as he feels disrespected with that comment.

AEW Forbidden Door 2024:

• AEW World Championship: Swerve Strickland (c) def. Will Ospreay
  • We get to the main event of our show, Swerve Strickland and Will Ospreay take a cautious approach to start, trying to feel each other out and wait for an opportunity to take control. These two go back and forth in a 20+ minute match as they go all out and show how good and resilient they both are. At one point, Ospreay is able to hit Hidden Blade after a missed House Call to which Swerve kicks out at 2. Swerve begins to work over Ospreay’s arm moving forward. At another point, Swerve counters an Os-Cutter by Ospreay into a JML Driver and Ospreay kicks out at 2. Both men are exhausted, hitting some of their best moves on each other but not being able to put the other away. In the final stretch, Ospreay has Swerve in position to go for Storm Driver ‘93 but can’t bring himself to do it (Don Callis on commentary screams at Will to do it). Swerve takes advantage of this by hitting a series of moves (and finishing with his arm break spot he does), but as he goes for the House Call, Ospreay is able to counter by hitting a second Hidden Blade outta nowhere! Ospreay is a mix of tired and in pain as he sells the arm that Swerve targeted is the same arm that Ospreay just used to hit Hidden Blade. Ospreay slowly crawls to a cover, 1…2… Swerve is able to just get his foot on the bottom rope to break the pin (commentary puts over that if he wasn’t near the ropes, he likely wasn’t kicking out). Will Ospreay is in shock and so is Don Callis who both can't believe that Swerve just kicked out of the Hidden Blade again. Ospreay is frustrated and looks to be going for the Storm Driver '93 but again, can't bring himself to do it. Instead, he then looks to go for the Stormbreaker until Don Callis hops onto the apron and is IRATE with Ospreay, screaming at him to do the Storm driver and break Swerve’s neck. This distracts Ospreay and he drops Swerve to confront Callis. Ospreay refuses and tells Callis to go to the back. Callis says that Ospreay is ungrateful and says that he MADE him and that he’s not in this position without him. Callis then proceeds to slap Ospreay! Ospreay is furious and Callis realizes that he made a huge error and Ospreay grabs Callis by the shirt and decks him with a punch. Ospreay has finally had enough of Callis. However, as Ospreay turns back to Swerve, it was too late as Swerve is waiting for Ospreay, kicking him in the gut and then hitting Ospreay with a Storm Driver ‘93 of his own! Swerve then goes to the top rope and hits the Swerve Stomp to Ospreay. Swerve goes for the pin, 1…2… Ospreay kicks out at 2.9! Swerve is incredibly surprised. However, it’s clear that Ospreay has nothing left and kicked out mainly due to instinct, as he just manages to get to his knees and tells Swerve to bring it. Swerve hits one final House Call and then goes for the pin, 1…2…3. Swerve Strickland has retained the AEW World Championship in a battle! Swerve knows he had to dig down deep to pull this one off and shows his respect to Ospreay as Ospreay rolls out of the ring and heads to the back. Commentary puts over that when it came time to “go for the kill”, Will Ospreay hesitated while Swerve Strickland did what needed to be done without any hesitation. The final shot of the PPV is Swerve celebrating his victory with the title in the air as Will Ospreay looks back to the ring as he heads up the ramp. This isn’t over.

What do you think so far? Do you like it? Do you dislike it? What do you like or dislike about it specifically? Let me know! Part 2 will be coming soon!
If you liked this booking, feel free to check out some others that I've done on here before!
Booking the breakup of The Judgement Day: https://www.reddit.com/fantasybooking/comments/1d5qa9v/booking_the_breakup_of_the_judgement_day/
Booking the 2024 AEW Men's Continental Classic:https://www.reddit.com/fantasybooking/comments/1cuwz62/booking_the_2024_aew_mens_continental_classic/
Booking Nick Aldis's WWE in-ring debut: https://www.reddit.com/fantasybooking/comments/1cq8wva/booking_nick_aldiss_wwe_inring_debut/
Booking Mercedes Mone in AEW part 1: https://www.reddit.com/fantasybooking/comments/1ciup71/booking_mercedes_mone_in_aew_part_1/
Booking Mercedes Mone in AEW part 2: https://www.reddit.com/fantasybooking/comments/1cnnzbh/booking_mercedes_mone_in_aew_part_2/
Rebooking Brock Lesnar's WWE return 2012: https://www.reddit.com/fantasybooking/comments/1c95b4b/rebooking_brock_lesnars_2012_wwe_return/
Rebooking CM Punk's 434-day WWE Championship reign part 1: https://www.reddit.com/fantasybooking/comments/1ccbouu/rebooking_cm_punks_434day_wwe_championship_reign/
Rebooking CM Punk's 434-day WWE Championship reign part 2: https://www.reddit.com/fantasybooking/comments/1cdorlrebooking_cm_punks_434day_wwe_championship_reign/
Booking MJF's AEW return: https://www.reddit.com/fantasybooking/comments/1cesd9z/booking_maxwell_jacob_friedmans_mjf_return_to_aew/
Rebooking the End of The Undertaker's Wrestlemania Streak: https://www.reddit.com/fantasybooking/comments/1c47cba/rebooking_the_end_of_the_undertakers_wrestlemania/

I M (22) recently got a half month ban from a online game called Toontown Rewritten. I originally wrote this for the ToonTown subreddit, but I recently found out they do not allow discussion of in game punishment in their subreddit. I figure I'd ask here. AITAH? (The following is just my original post. Copied and pasted.)
So. I was playing toon town the other day. Thursday to be exact. I decided to spend my lunch break going back to my place to play some toontown. Having fun with a good VP shopping group, it went quite well and relatively normal. This part of the story really shouldn't even be a part of the story honestly. But it will come back later so, might as well start from here. We made it to the part when the VP first fight is done and you can walk out into the cloudy void area. Someone thought I was hacking, and I had to explain to them that it wasn't hacking but we had a good laugh. I asked "Has anyone ever hacked toon town rewritten?" because I would never expect to see someone do that? Never have seen, probably never will.
Odd part of the story but it comes back later.
So. I then decide that I have enough time to do a CFO as well. I join in and it's all going well. We are playing through and my side is doing great. I overhear a toon talking and as extraverted as I try to be in this game seeing as I am very much an introvert in real life, I want to join in. They started by saying "I learned a new word recently." "You wanna know what it was?" I was immediately intrigued. I don't really have a real reason why, but I really like learning random words. I know I'll never use a good 80% of them, but hey, I'm a curious little guy. I was some what excited to find out what they learned. "Arigato." They replied. (I don't remember anyone saying what? Or replying to them, but they were probably itching to tell their story, so they did.)
I immediately spout the first words in my head. "Bruh really didn't know arigato." I should have put a ? but I've been known to mess up a lot of things in text. Not to side rant but for one sentence of your time, I've said Six instead of four, I've said This instead of those, I've even mixed up entire names. Something is clearly wrong in my brain for typing words. I don't know what but something.
But.. Continuing where I left off. They did not acknowledge me or respond at all. I said "I feel bad for them." Japanese is pretty cool. They have a really nice country from everything I've heard. And I think everyone should know yes, no, and thank you in pretty much every language they are interested. If you don't know those few words you don't have much to work with in a foreign country.
Still no one, not even anyone on my side really acknowledges me. I sit there in silence feeling kind of awkward, seeing as it was very quiet.. You know how that feels I'm sure. Everyone does. But they do continue their story after that. They continue to say "I learned it from someone earlier (or maybe they said the other day. It's been a few days. Details only in my memory.) I learned it from someone Earlier and they said they didn't speak much english." " They were using google translate to talk." I thought this would be a good ice breaker. You know, try again, maybe break down the awkwardness built up. Because I can't just take the quick L and and go back to talking to my group. Of course I had to keep talking to them.. The people who were ignoring me. "Lucky."
"Lucky they don't speak english" "They shouldn't associate with us americans." Because we suck. A little self bad talk gets a good laugh at of most peole, but of course, overexplaining a joke is setting yourself up for failure, not to mention things are already awkward enough, not trying to bury my self any deeper. So of course.. It gets more awkward anyway.. No one acknowledges me and I am still sitting on my side looking like an odd ball talking to myself.. You'd think at this point I could take a hint and I would just stop, but I have to double down, maybe they'll laugh, maybe if I just keep talking to the people that clearly don't want to talk to me they'll notice that I'm talking. Oh.. They noticed. They didn't want to talk to me. And I just can't read a room. "Or they could just not speak to us." "It would be better for their health." I mean. No one wants our brain rot. (A little bit of a side track note, they legitimately are training their officers and even the military on how to deal with us americans going over and "vloging" because of all the bad people going over and taking advantage of them. Some real mean spirited people (Not to mention logan paul all those years ago.))
This went well as you could imagine. Not only did no one respond to me, the entire side that I was on was pretty much just silent through the rest of the fights.
We finally make it to the end of the CFO battles, and we start dancing. Mid dance I disconnect with a warning for harassment. I'm flabbergasted. Harassment? (Forgetting that you can't really give a better description in reports, they don't give much for options. Like at all. It's pretty much just insulting adjectives in reports and you can't detail your report.) I'm flabbergasted and can't figure out what happened or why? I'm sitting there thinking of all the different things going on and what could possibly be considered harassment?
In the mean time I log back on and start walking around (Alone) (Not a single soul around me) (I even went to my estate. The most alone you could be.) I'm blowing off steam while I think about it. How could anyone say that? Why would anyone say that? I'm too upset to actually think about why, but that's the way it is. So I'm talking to myself about how I blame the admin. In all honesty it was really the person that didn't say a word to me but decided to report me. I mean? Use your words! We're adults here? Right? You can talk to me, you can tell me when something is wrong. Use your words. Don't silently report people you don't like, talk to them and use your words. We've all grown up, you should know that.
I'm used to talking about admins in games rudely. I've played roblox for far too long, and if you've ever been over there you know how bad it gets. So I'm used to to saying things in game that either will never be heard anyway so it doesn't matter, or it gets read over by some admin, maybe even the admin who wronged you. Trust me there are no good admins on that website, they're not exactly responsible adults. Let me rephrase that. They're definitely not adults. Nothing but toxic behavior over there, just a bunch of kids making up a population of 99% toxic environments. There's a reason why I haven't been on the website in half a year. I finally quit. Not that I was really playing then either.
Getting that out of the way, I have a habit of talking to myself in game. You know, because maybe they're insecure about themselves enough to be secretly stalking me and they can hear that but not be able to respond. I've had two decades to think about it. (Roblox wasn't always bad). Always looking for the lasts words you know. That petty stuff. But it's better than sitting there letting that ruin your day. Get out of your system, move on. Type out what you have to say get it out of the way. That rhymed.
So, while I was entirely alone, (or so I thought.) The admin was stalking me. I don't know if they didn't like me and wanted to find more reasoning to get me in real trouble sense all they could do was warn me before, or maybe it's just something that they always have to do? Who knows. Unless you are on the team? Idk? But they sure were listening. I went to go water my plants because that's really all I had time to do before heading back to work.
Clearly upset I talk to my self. "Toon council clearly has a low life on the team." / "What a mistake in hiring." / "More like no life."
"Their job is enjoying them self being garbage to players."
The nail in the coffin. All I've done is talk to myself. But I wasn't alone.
Wanting to forget about it I start an HQ group for a CJ run. To my surprise, it actually filled up pretty fast. I'm not used to CJ runs filling up so fast, but that was good. Or.. It would be, if I had time for a CJ run, but I'm too busy being dumb to remember that I can't keep playing. So I have to hop off. I always have to TMI and explain myself. So I wanted to quickly let them know before I leave, why I gotta go. "Sorry, I can't stay. I gotta go." "I don't have time for a CJ. I'm sorry." I don't remember all the sorry and my bads, I went through trying to explain myself, but I sure don't have to forget that I was still upset. Because I let them know. In the HQ group chat I said. Word for word.
"They really warned me over saying that someone was lucky they didn't speak english because they shouldn't associate with us americans.
My bad. Sorry. Just some low life person the ttr team warning me for that."
I was really that bothered by it. but it at least nice to let people know.
I spent my day thinking about that. I finally got home later that night and, I figured it out (or at least I'm convinced that I've figured it out.) I can't reread the text any other way now. Especially after the email they sent me back. I am at least 80% sure that they read what I said, thinking "They shouldn't associate with us americans." Was an insult to them. Like saying that we're (americans) are better than them. I finally figured it out. I knew what was wrong. I was still upset that they didn't just use their words and talk to me, but at least I finally figured it out. I was going to move on with my day. That sucked, but it's whatever. It is what it is. So I hope on to TTR and before I can even play,
You are temporarily not allowed into Toontown.
This restriction will be lifted on 2024-06-14 00:00:00+00:00 Toowntown time
(Pacific).
Reason for ban:
Inappropriate language/Discussion, Harassment/Disrespect
Banned!?!? So they were listening to me after the warning. They were just following me around. and/or watching my chat logs.
I couldn't believe it, I had to know what happened. It couldn't be just me. I sent an email hoping to figure out what had happened, and hopefully get a ban lift.
I got a return email, it was not a ban lift. You could probably guess that much after reading through all of this.
Yeah. I had everything I said, even the things that I said while I was alone. Even that part about "Has anyone ever hacked toon town online?" Everything was in that email. They weren't just going to warn me, they were kept following me.
We were monitoring activity on your account, Mcsteiniel, and happened to notice a violation of Toontown Rewritten's Terms of Service for Inappropriate Language/Discussion and Harassment/Disrespect.
You said:
Has anyone ever hacked toon town rewritten?
Bruh really didn't know arigato. / I feel bad for them.
They shouldn't associate with us americans. / Or they could just not speak to us. / It would be better for their health.
Toon council clearly has a low life on the team. / What a mistake in hiring. / More like no life.
Their job is enjoying them self being garbage to players
They really warned me over saying that someone was lucky they didn't speak english because they shouldn't associate with us americans.
My bad. Sorry. Just some low life person on the ttr team warning me for that.
As a result, we have temporarily suspended your Toontown Rewritten account for two (2) weeks. The SpeedChat+ feature on your account(s) will also be disabled from now until two (2) weeks after the end of your suspension. This SpeedChat+ revoke applies to all of your accounts. If you are found violating the Terms of Service after your suspension ends, your account may be suspended for an even longer period of time, or potentially terminated. Please take the time to review our Terms of Service to ensure that this doesn't happen again.
Just as much as we're committed to keeping Toontown a fun place, we're also committed to keeping it safe for players of all ages. Let us know if there is any way we can help you to better understand Toontown's policies on player behavior.
After all that. I'll say, it definitely wasn't good for me to be upset. But was it reasonable? Yes. Not really a question. It's not exactly fair to punish someone without giving them a real reason, but did I say some mean things Questionable? Rude? Hurtful? "to the admin" (All alone, at my estate even.) Yes.. Yes? And.. Hmmm? Yes. For sure. Can't deny it. It's not like they weren't following me around. I mean, nothing would have happened if everyone involved would have been adults and just used their words, but it ended up spirling downward that way. It just so happens that when you use a report button to report someone when you don't even acknowledge their existence instead of just talking to them "Something you said I found negative" "would you not do (something I found or looked at in a negative light) again?" You apparently get an easy way to just throw someone out of a game. Because that was the fastest. (and only time ever I've ever been banned from any game on any platform ever. You can't imagine how flabbergasted I was. I have almost never even had warnings in any games either. This damn near broke my mind trying to figure out what happened till they sent that email going further than "They shouldn't associate with us americans.".) that I have ever been banned. And it's the only time ever ever been banned from anything. Should I just be scared to ever talk normally to anyone ever in the game ever again? Should I be afraid to hop on to the game if I ever get unbanned again? Is it even worth thinking about? Maybe this is it. Maybe I should go back to other games I used to play. Maybe our community is so broken that we can't even talk without being afraid of being reported. Or...? Maybe I'm just overreacting. I mean, It's not like I really responded appropriately (All alone to myself with no one around but the admin stalking me.) "cough cough" Ooo. Had something in my throat there. What was I saying? Oh. It's not really like I responded appropriately after being warned anyway. I can see how someone would feel like using their tools to punish someone for a light jab at them. Because after all. In this new community as of 2023 and now 2024 we are no longer just a nice community, everything is being read in a darker lighting. So to everyone reading, it's really not that hard to believe that it's all just a rude line of rude messaging in a game with a perfect image. At least I used to think it had a perfect image. I'd always come online just to play and talk with people because it has always been a great community, but after making a new account a month ago (the very end of april) I've seen a lot of terrible players. I can see what everyone else is seeing.
The only thing I can't see.. Is why it's so hard for people to act like adults? Has the player base changed? Are there teens, and/or kids playing again? Why couldn't they use their words? Why couldn't they tell me there is something wrong? Why don't you just resolve a conflict without attacking someone? Just talk to me. Just tell me something is wrong. Explain to me your view point. Show me that you feel uncomfortable, attacked, or wronged, or anything negative at all. Just tell me there is something wrong. I'm not here to ruin your day? Why are you here to ruin my month? Why didn't you just talk to me? It's as simple as starting with one word. "hey" It's for horses, but it helps in human conversation too. "Hey, can you not do "that" (Subject in question)."
When did we abandon conversations? Why can't we talk? I can see all your points, I can see everything that went wrong. But why can't you let me know? So this doesn't escalate. So no one has to have their day ruined. I sure as heck didn't mean to ruin your day if I did.
Maybe next time, we'll all be able to have more civil conversations and we'll all get to talk about things. Like adults. Maybe even friends. But for now.. This is, How to get thrown out in chains.
That was a long one. Hope it wasn't too much of a dragged on post. Don't mean to take up someone's entire day. Sure don't mean to ruin another day by taking up the entire thing. But thanks for reading through anyway. Even if you didn't make it this far.. Well. you probably won't read this, but yall have a good one. Thanks for seeing my post through.
That all happened almost a week ago now. (Please excuse all the grammar mistakes. I don't think I fixed them all.) AITAH?

Hi everyone Im a 27 year old F, married to 29 yr old M. We started dating at 17 and 19, never dated anyone prior. For many reasons, I needed/wanted to save sex until marriage. He expected/ understood, said he wasn’t a virgin but now that we’re dating he’ll wait for me. We dated for 9 years, got married 1 year ago. He admitted that while dating & engaged to me, he went to an Asian massage parlor. He had sex once, early into dating, and got hand jobs a few times thru out the 9 yrs. He told me he’s never been to such places when we dated & I was under the impression that he’s truly waiting for me. He’s extremely apologetic about it, cried a few times, but says it’s not cheating because he was a guy, 19-28 yr old peak hormone time, needed something until being with me. He said they were meaningless transactions, he only loves me and never looked at or flirted with a girl (I believe this because he’s not a womanizer at all/can’t flirt) which is why he prob went to such parlors & paid for it. The women were Asian and “old.” He’s negative for all STDs. He says it’s kinda implied that he may have done this to offset waiting so long. But I wasn’t aware. Also, he says marriage early wasn’t an option since we started dating so early & both went to school. Is this considered cheating? Do I forgive him? I’m leaving some details out to not bore you but PLEASE HELP. I really really need your help/advice thank you so much.

(This story is unnecessarily long cos it's kind of part rant, sorry)
So some background last year my mum sent me this poster advertising a youth trip to Rwanda that she thought would be fun for me to apply for. I agreed, applied and unfortunately couldn't go cos another trip came up which would be really good for me career-wise but needed to raise a lot of money for. So when the organiser for the youth trip contacted me to see if I would still join them I was honest and said there was something else that I was waiting on and if that didn't fall through then I would join them. Thankfully I got the money and my visa and went for the alternative trip.
I notified them and they said it was okay, but I felt bad like I was misleading them. So I made the decision to apply this year and even in the application I said I was sad I couldn't go last year but now I'm excited to go, and I am, I was idk. also important, my mum had been pushing me to apply for this so I assumed she would cover me with no issue(I'm still heavily dependant on my parents, this is completely normal where I come from). So I'm thinking it's cool she's talked to my dad about this there's no problem whatsoever I'm going. But now my graduation is coming up, and I realise I don't want a party, I didn't make many friends in uni and generally it was a pretty bad time and I'm just happy it's over. I want to go on a trip instead: Cape Town, South Africa. My mum's like that's great we can even go all together as a family.
I bring it up at a dinner conversation with my dad(he's the main breadwinner) and he's totally fine with that swap; trip instead of party. He even sends me some posters of travel packages to cape town and encourages me to look for a good deal. Then my mum says at the table, 'So you're letting go of Rwanda then', my dad looks confused and I realised she hadn't told him. I say no, I was hoping to go for both, I give a shoddy summary of the youth trip to my dad and then my sibling chimes in to say Cape town is better but I tell him fair but I was already starting arrangements for the youth trip and had even started talking with the organisers about accommodation and such. The topic switches and the night ends.
Two days later, I get a message from the youth trip organiser, it's the same woman from last year, she recognised my name and was happy I applied again. She tells me of this good deal for accommodation and I forward it to my mum(I had been updating her on this since the new application) she texts me back saying 'You're still pursuing this? Didn't you tell your father you wanted to go to cape town? what am I supposed to do with this?' that really fucking hurt. Guess I'm alone. Anyway, I text my dad a proper explanation of the youth trip and the fact that I've been communicating with the organisers under I guess the false impression that I was going for about three weeks now. I tell him that I still do want to go to Cape Town still but I understand if I can't do both and if I were to pick one it would be the youth trip cos it already feels like I've been leading these people on for too long. It was a very long text. He said to just tell him what I need from him. I didn't understand that, I guess he meant just send the bill to pay for or sth instead of rambling. Sigh.
Anyway, I was talking to my little brother yesterday and the topic of cape town came up, I told him that might not happen now, will probably be Rwanda. He looked at me like I was crazy and said Rwanda is super easy to get to you can go there practically any time, GO TO CAPE TOWN. Now that got me thinking on the one hand, I've basically promised these Youth Trip guys that I'd be joining them, signed up for a hike on the last day, gone back and forth on accommodation, done nearly everything but actually pay. Also it's a 2 week long trip. On the other hand, Cape town looks really cool, and I know it's a lot more touristy but based on those travel posters my dad had shared, they were like 4/5 day long trips. I don't know what to do, I don't want to regret this decision because I won't get another like it anytime soon, and as much as I really want to say I'm gonna land a great paying job after graduation and fund my own trip to wherever before the year ends, that's probably wishful thinking. I feel betrayed and frustrated, if I knew my mum was gonna switch up on me then I wouldn't have even bothered applying for the youth trip, those people are so nice and don't deserve this nonsense.

Hi everyone Im a 27 year old F, married to 29 yr old M. We started dating at 17 and 19, never dated anyone prior. For many reasons, I needed/wanted to save sex until marriage. He expected/ understood, said he wasn’t a virgin but now that we’re dating he’ll wait for me. We dated for 9 years, got married 1 year ago. He admitted that while dating & engaged to me, he went to an Asian massage parlor. He had sex once, early into dating, and got hand jobs a few times thru out the 9 yrs. He told me he’s never been to such places when we dated & I was under the impression that he’s truly waiting for me. He’s extremely apologetic about it, cried a few times, but says it’s not cheating because he was a guy, 19-28 yr old peak hormone time, needed something until being with me. He said they were meaningless transactions, he only loves me and never looked at or flirted with a girl (I believe this because he’s not a womanizer at all/can’t flirt) which is why he prob went to such parlors & paid for it. The women were Asian and “old.” He’s negative for all STDs. He says it’s kinda implied that he may have done this to offset waiting so long. But I wasn’t aware. Also, he says marriage early wasn’t an option since we started dating so early & both went to school. Is this considered cheating? Do I forgive him? I’m leaving some details out to not bore you but PLEASE HELP. I really really need your help/advice thank you so much.

Hello internet! My family is all really big empaths and enjoy helping people (that's good), but those jobs really only pay in feeling good and not putting food on the table. I am the one black sheep of my family that is money focused and I was to help nudge my niece into making better quality career choices. Obviously it is admirable that she wants to help people, but she also should be able to support herself. My parents have next to no money, and my niece's mom is very much paycheck to paycheck. It is hard to tell her about the stress and all of the issues with picking a job simply because she wants to help people. While I don't need her to be as shrewd as me, I would like to help make sure she at least lives comfortably. She is still young, but I can already tell she has the major empath bug and her current dream job is daycare worker.
Currently I plan to get her a STEP card to help build credit, learn to budget, and use it as a tool to invest. I will "force" her to do 25% "taxes" 25% investing and 50% needs and wants. I plan to give her $100 a month and with $50 of it going to wants/needs it should allow her to budget for school supplies, clothes, etc. with a small margin for wants. I also plan to reward her for accomplishments and learning more about personal finance. I think giving her some YouTube videos and then "quizzes" to earn some money might be valuable. $10 to watch a YouTube video that actual might impact your life seems like a good deal to me?
Obviously I am strugglingly with how to do it without both crushing her dreams, and holding up a light to all of the flaws of her parents and grandparents. Thanks everyone!

Hello new grad entering Process control engineering role as MCEG,
I am a new grad in MCEG and have recently applied to a Process control engineering role. At the moment I'm finding it hard to land an interview let alone offers due to my 2.93 GPA and have landed an interview with an international paper as a Process control engineer. If anyone has any tips that would help me out I would greatly appreciate it. I consider myself smart and have researched the company, but I'm truly missing something to truly wow them.
I'm specifically asking for some tips and some knowledge on Process control engineering and good pop words to be able to use during the interview.
Thank you in advance and I hope everyone has a great rest of the week.

Hi everyone Im a 27 year old F, married to 29 yr old M. We started dating at 17 and 19, never dated anyone prior. For many reasons, I needed/wanted to save sex until marriage. He expected/ understood, said he wasn’t a virgin but now that we’re dating he’ll wait for me. We dated for 9 years, got married 1 year ago. He admitted that while dating & engaged to me, he went to an Asian massage parlor. He had sex once, early into dating, and got hand jobs a few times thru out the 9 yrs. He told me he’s never been to such places when we dated & I was under the impression that he’s truly waiting for me. He’s extremely apologetic about it, cried a few times, but says it’s not cheating because he was a guy, 19-28 yr old peak hormone time, needed something until being with me. He said they were meaningless transactions, he only loves me and never looked at or flirted with a girl (I believe this because he’s not a womanizer at all/can’t flirt) which is why he prob went to such parlors & paid for it. The women were Asian and “old.” He’s negative for all STDs. He says it’s kinda implied that he may have done this to offset waiting so long. But I wasn’t aware. Also, he says marriage early wasn’t an option since we started dating so early & both went to school. Is this considered cheating? Do I forgive him? I’m leaving some details out to not bore you but PLEASE HELP. I really really need your help/advice thank you so much.

This is a book I started writing in like 2021 and stopped working on until recently. I'd love some feedback on whether I should continue with it or not, please let me know what you think.
Also keep in mind this is a first draft, and I am no Stephen King.
Intro/Chapter One

I walked down the alabaster hall, fluorescent lights flickering as I approach the exit. It’d been nine months since I’ve seen the outside of the compound, I knew life would never be the same but I had to try to live to some amount of normalcy again. I’d already gathered my belongings from the security room at the northwest of the building. I had stayed in a less invasive portion of the building, living alongside people who had a mental breakdown much like they claimed I suffered, or people that never had sanity, to begin with. Sometimes I could hear the screams and threats to the staff from some of the more, let's say unstable residents of the clinic. I played the psychiatrist's game of sanity. I had to, there was no other option. No one would ever believe what really happened. At first, I’d used my limited computer time to research the haunted woods of Colorado. But I soon learned that only fed into my so-called insanity. Walking down the bland hallway, I thought about my research. There had been reports, but that’s all they were. The old myths and tales had mostly been in eastern Canada and the regions of the great plane, nothing stating that IT lived as far west as my encounter. I laughed to myself, calling it, IT when I knew what it really was now. I knew fairly early, but naming the beast IT left out enough context that people assumed I was talking about a wildlife incident. By playing charades like this long enough I was able to buy my freedom to the sane world. “This is it, Mr. Patel. You’ve come a long way, and..” I cut off the mental institution’s nurse by grabbing my belongings from him that he so kindly offered to carry for me. In reality, he snatched them up as soon as I’d checked them out from security. He pushed the door open, and the bright morning autumn light temporarily blinded me. I could see them standing at the end of the walkway, red and yellow leaves dancing across the ground as I slowly made my way towards my spouse and our daughter, golden hair shining in the light. 

Chapter one: The silent drive.

Markus made his way down the Rocky Mountains, slowly creeping along in his old Jeep Wrangler as the snow crunched beneath the chains. Only a few more hours and he’d reach his destination, a cold dark cabin in the wooded mountains of Colorado. He remembered going there maybe twice as a child, but since his father's heart failure he hadn’t really had contact with that side of the family. As the engine hummed along the mountain, he was on all but autopilot. Thirty-two years old and this is where life had landed him. Marital separation, no real career, no real family outside of the one he’d created with his wife and daughter. Had it really been that long since his father's passing? His so-called father was ten years and change older than he was now when he died of heart failure, but Markus supposed that’s what happens when you have genetic heart failure and you spent your life drinking and smoking. No one was really surprised when he passed, some had even been prepared for it. As for his mother's side, he never knew his grandparents and had only met his Aunt once or twice. Jen or Jenna? Jessica? Markus shook his head, “Focus Markus. Focus. Ice, snow, mountain. Pay attention.” It’d been a long drive and an even longer week. Markus couldn’t blame Elizabeth for wanting a separation. He hadn’t been great to her the last few years. He’d taken his failures and problems out on her. He was borderline abusive, he’d never hit her, but lord sometimes she made it so damn hard. He’d already felt like a failure, he didn’t need her pointing it out. He never really decided what to do with his life, sure he fell in love young, and had a beautiful daughter but there was still a hole missing out of his life. He never really could put his finger on it, was it a career he never decided on, dropping out of high school, falling out with his mother? The list could go on and on. He reached the old two-bedroom cabin just a few hours before dusk. The old, decrepit building hadn’t had visitors in more than a couple of years. The last person he knew of staying there was his father's mother, Gina. Grandma G made more of an effort to include him in the family than his father had, even going as far as to write birthday letters to him and have his father sign them as a child. After she disappeared, the cabin gained shared ownership by his father and siblings. The cabin was the last known place she had been, but there was no evidence of foul play. She was never found, even after the search parties and wildlife rangers had searched for days. But just like her father, no one was astounded she went missing. Dementia had really been setting in, even though no one thought it would be near bad enough for her to wander out into the woods by herself. Markus walked up to the front door, unlocking it using the key stuck under a fake rock next to the withered “Home sweet home” welcome mat. He could barely make out the words of the old piece of hemp, he wasn’t sure why it bothered him so bad. He was sure the only reason this old log hadn’t been broken into was due to the remote location. A thirty-minute drive to the closest grocery outlet, if you can even call it that, was the closest thing around. Markus practically walked into the door, expecting it to swing open. Between the ancient wood of the door and the ungreased hinges, It wouldn’t budge. He pulled up on the handle and pushed with his shoulder muttering, “Son of…” before the hinges gave way and he crashed onto the floor. He felt like laying on the cold, dusted ground forever. Just giving up and withering away like the old mat outside. “This is fine, just dandy. Go get me a beer already,” he said to no one in particular. He rose and brushed the floor dust from his old worn jeans, making his way to the ivory light switch. He stood in darkness, growing increasingly frustrated as he flicked the lifeless switch up and down. “That’s the problem with the old houses,” Markus said to the empty air. He walked out the front and around the north side of the old cabin, continuing along the side as he ran his fingers down the old wood until he reached the meter-main combo panel outside. He was less than shocked but still displeased to see the fuses had blown. “Where did they keep that box of fuses?” He quizzed himself. Eventually, Markus found them in a wood crate on the top shelf of the shed, which wasn’t in any better shape than the living quarters. The eight-by-five wood structure barely stood by itself anymore. The old window panes cracked and 

spiderwebbed, paint peeling and a few shingles slightly flapping in the wind.

Markus threw his last bag on the dining room table like a teenager coming home from the first week of school. It was a relief to finally be at the spine-chilling old cabin, with power on and belongings inside. The fire crackling in the stone hearth gave more light to the interior than the old yellow light bulbs. So far the only thing to go right had been the log left in the fireplace, Markus was even close to the corner of his lip raising when he saw the dry kindle ready to be lit. The sun would be setting soon, and if he wanted Devil's water before the natural light had completely dwindled he’d have to leave very soon. He was thirsty as if he had been stuck in the Southern Utah desert all his life. Except the only way to quench the thirst was to down ten or eleven bottles of cheap beer, just enough to remember the night before in the morning. Markus had learned his limited, twelve or thirteen drinks and he’d lose his dinner, fourteen or fifteen and he’d lose his ability to recall the events that followed. He’d never really been a fan of liquor, his favorite was “mid-shelf” beer. Markus grabbed his fluffy blue coat and headed out to the Jeep. 

Chapter two: The Warning.
The Jeep pulled up to John’s Gas and Grocery, the decades-old building was little more than a glorified Grocery outlet and petrol pumps that had to be from the mid-eighties. He braved the cold, pulling the collar of the well-used coat against the wind. A stereotypical ding-dong sounded when he opened the door, boots squelching on the false tile flooring. He nodded to the old man at the register, who merely looked up from a leather-bound book. Markus knew exactly what he needed, he grabbed a cart for all the essentials: three cases of beer, one box of twinkies, one box of ding-dongs, and his favorite, Oatmeal cream pies which he’d grabbed several boxes of. He grabbed the fattiest meat the small store had as well, the ancient old remedy of greasy food for hangovers.

He approached the register, “five bundles of kindle too, please.” The old Native American simply stared at him for a moment too long. “Awful lot of junk food for a camping trip in the snow, don’t you think?” Markus replied politely, “I’m staying at my family's cabin over the ridge on Fendore Drive for a few weeks, you’ll probably see me a few more times.”Mmm,” The old man hummed. “John Raymond,” said the old man in a raspy voice, sticking out his hand. Markus accepted the handshake, “Mark,” he replied. The old man wasn’t satisfied with that answer, tilting his head forward slightly and raising his bushy eyebrows. “Markus Patel. Friends called me Mark,” he had said with disinterest in sharing his full name. “Good strong handshake, says a lot about a man. Strong, yet caring and sensitive. No?” John asked quizzically. “If only that were true,” Markus said just loud enough to hear. John slid the items across the scanner, hardly taking an eye off Markus. “You ought to be careful around these trees. ‘Specially at night, wild animals and whatnot.” John warned Markus, almost winking at the end of his sentence. Markus wondered what exactly this old Ute was getting onto. “And what not?” 

“Some believe these woods are cursed. Call it a witch, or a demon. I’ve heard people talkin’. When you live as long as I do, you hear things spread around.” John almost seemed cautious about his words. Markus wanted to pry more, “And what do you believe, Mr. Raymond?” John Raymond petted an imaginary beard, “I believe that these woods are dangerous, ‘specially after dark. Be safe out there.”
“Well I appreciate the warning, but I don’t really believe in the whole ‘bigfoot’ thing,” Markus intercepted, using his fingers to quote bigfoot. “Have a good night, Mr. Raymond.”

Markus could feel the old man's eyes on him as he made his way back to the Jeep parked out front. After setting his delicious treasures on the passenger seat, Markus plucked five bundles of wood from the stack in front of the windows of the store. He felt unnerved, looking into the blackness beyond the store's light bleeding from the parking lot and beyond the pumps. He scoffed, feeling stupid for letting an old man's warnings get to him. “No such thing as Bigfoot,” Markus mumbled as he slammed his Jeep’s trunk shut. By the time Markus got to the turnpike that eventually led to the old dirt path, it had grown dark. The still night air had something whimsical about it. The pines were blanketed in a layer of untouched white powder, the only impressions in the snow beside his tire tracks were the occasional deer print. As serene as the woods were, only lit by moonlight reflecting off the frozen ground, Markus still felt somewhat uneasy. The old man named John had gotten to him to some amount, but Markus would never admit that, not even to himself. 

He pulled the now ticking Jeep up to the creepy old wood structure, as close as he could to the entrance. The light barely bled through the old dirty windows, giving the cabin a haunted look. Markus wondered to himself why he ever wanted to come out to this frozen wasteland, he only had fleeting memories of this place but when Elizabeth asked for a separation, this was the first place that came to mind. He wasn’t sure why, but the thought made him feel uneasy. Markus sat in the Jeep as it grew colder without the climate control on, wondering how this had ever happened. When they married, he was a happy young man with the world in front of him. Somewhere along the way, he grew into a bitter developing drunk. Maybe it was the torment of work, every job he had seemed to be worse than the last, his most recent job working as a grunt at a well-known manufacturing plant had proven to be the worst so far. Not only did he not have companionship with his fellow workers, but they also belittle him. They refused training and would treat him like a dog that had peed on the living room rug. He was tired of being belittled and tired of his rock bottom life.

The first thing Markus did upon entering the Cabin was crack a still cold beer, and opening a package of twinkies. After almost swallowing a Twinkie full, he finally had the strive to throw a log into the fireplace and bring warmth to the room. 

Markus cursed himself after forgetting to open the flu, the room beginning to fill with the foggy appearance of smoke. Though it didn’t bother him enough to forget about his T.V. Dinner he felt as though that was one more thing he failed at. As if the great being in the sky was keeping a tally of every little mistake he’d made, and punished him tenfold.
“One, three, five, six, seven…” Markus quietly counted the empty bottles stacking up around the chair which sat next to the warm fireplace. “A reckon I’ve earned one more, or a few,” he told the walls, as he raised a bottle in salute to himself. The next thing he remembers was waking up in the shallow cot, rolling over to see the time on his cellphone which was little more than a clock in the wilderness. “3:30.” The words rattled out of his mouth like a mummy. As soon as he lay his head back on the pillow, the world spun around him and he heaved himself out of bed, making a beeline for the bathroom, narrowly making it to the toilet before projectile vomiting violently. The unpleasant mix of preservative pastry treats and cheap alcohol filled his taste buds as they had two hours earlier. Markus awoke on the cold hard ground of the bathroom sometime later, the sun just starting to peek over the trees of the late winter morning. There was an uneasy stillness in the air, something that felt like watching a car come barreling towards you while you sat in your still parked car, time seemed to slow moments before the collision.

Using the dwindling strength that was left, shaking from low blood sugar and an empty stomach, Markus pulled himself up using the sink. He stared at himself through a dirty mirror, his brown hair in a mop and stubble growing steadily on his face. He looked like death, with dark circles under his blue eyes. He always used to keep his hair short and neat, always clean-shaven except for the weekends when he could finally cut loose and not worry about a professional-looking demeanor. Bent over the short sink ached his back, probably from sleeping on the ground he noted mentally. Standing up straight and stretching his stiff back, cracking like a bullwhip. His hairline met the top of the mirror, he wasn’t intensely tall but six foot two was enough to miss the sight of his moppy hair in the reflective glass. 

Markus made his way out to his bag, still sitting on the dining room table. Fumbling with the zipper, he pulled out a bottle of over-the-counter painkillers, Dry swallowing a few. The small bundle of soft pine he had put in the fireplace before losing consciousness had burned out hours ago, the dead cold of the Colorado winter eating away the coals. Markus wondered how cold it must be in the old building, he could almost see his breath, so he figured it had to have been close to thirty-two. The firewood he had bought wasn’t lasting long, it’d probably had something to do with the low-grade softwood it had been cut out of. He remembered the four years of woodshop he’d taken in high school, Markus’s mind started to wander in his hungover state. “That table wouldn’t be so wobbly if they’d use a biscuit joint for the legs. It’s probably from some long-ago closed IKEA, nothing but cheap screws holding it together. If Elizabeth ends up wanting a full-blown divorce, she doesn’t get my table. Best thing I ever made. African walnut, curly maple..waterfall Bubinga. Now that was a work of art. No metal holding it together, just glue and its weight from the hand-carved joints.”
Once coming back to reality, Markus decided he’d better go out and cut some fresh wood. He’d seen an old ax in the shed, he’d cut enough to last the whole winter and stack it up on the side of the cabin. He was determined to exert physical effort now and not have to later. The ax had to have been from the sixties or seventies, it was practically ancient. The old steel was slightly rusted and the handle, a hardwood with a slight curve, he figured it was probably from a German manufacturer. At some distant point, he’d been in love with making knives. He used his woodworking skills to make handles for the full tang blades. “Always full tang, anything less is cheap garbage,” his metal shop teacher’s voice rang in his ears. Those were the days when life was simple. The biggest worry he had was how he was going to play hooky so he could go up Rock Canyon with his buddies. They’d studied the Canyon, after all, it was where prolific serial killer Ted Bundy killed some of his victims.

Markus had been chopping old trees for about three hours, sweat dripping down his brow despite the biting cold, every so often stopping to bite his tongue and breathe so he didn’t lose the remaining contents of his stomach. Maybe he didn’t have the stamina to chop a year's worth of wood after all, but all he needed was enough to last him the time he spent here and he was determined. 

Swinging the sharp heavy tool at a diagonal angle once, twice, three times more and the tree fell. “Finally!” He screamed, It must have been forty-five minutes since he worked on this pine.
Blood-curdling screams of a young woman, maybe in her mid-twenties, Markus swung around with the ax clutched to his chest, ready to chop for his own life. Slowly and cautiously striding forward, scanning the trees for any sign of duress Markus made his way into the shaded forest. He came upon a sight, something brown crumpled on the frozen earth. The closer he got, the more sense it made. White antlers blended with the backdrop of snow, invisible from a distance. Blood soaked the white powder around the unmoving beast, it was a brutal sight Markus had only seen in nature documentaries. Using the head of the ax, Markus turned to the head of the murdered deer, its throat ripped out clean. Blood still poured from the open wound, staining the fur a sickly onyx. “Cougar..” Markus carefully scanned his surroundings, before setting his eyes back on the buck. He’d never been hunting, but it was on his bucket list. He’d always wanted a nice rack to hang up on his office wall when he finally had enough money to buy a house with an office. He took a mental note to come back later with a saw and collect the bounty, approximately fifty feet due northeast of the Cabin.

Returning to the Cabin felt like a desolate trip through a never ending frozen waste land, What couldn’t have been more than ten or fifteen minutes felt like days. 

Pulling the wet, dirty boots off brought relief. “Now all I need is a ding-dong and a beer. Maybe I should start some fire up before I settle in though,” the words rang through the empty cabin. Markus told himself he didn’t know what the purpose of him talking to himself was, but deep down in his still beating heart he knew. He knew it was the only thing keeping him sane, keeping him from losing his mind and running out into the trees only to be eaten by some unseen beast. Absentmindedly throwing the last of his gas station wood into the hearth, his thoughts continued to wonder about the growing insanity inside his mind's eye. His voice echoed in his own head, ‘Could this be what happened to Gina? Coming out to get some R and R and losing her mind, or what was left of it at least? All this stress I'm carrying, could I lose my mind?’
Throwing a match on the kindling, flame burst to life, light dancing on the dark corners of the Cabin. The uneasy feeling had steadily been growing, something dark, something mysterious, something...Unknown.
Chapter Three: The visitor
“Come out Markie. Come out to me baby,” Elizabeth’s voice rang out, echoing from all around. Markus was blankly facing his bedroom door, but quickly turned in all directions looking for the voice. His eyes searched frantically, scanning everywhere until he saw a dark shape beyond the living room window, standing in the frozen earth with arms outstretched. Nothing but a silhouette in the dark, Markus ran for the front door to meet with the dark shape that couldn’t possibly be her. The harder he ran the further to the front door became, pushing his physical limits until his lungs felt like molten rock. If you could just get there, just hold his dear Eliza, everything would be alright. He could come home, make pancakes for her and their beautiful little Judy as small flakes of snow fell outside. He could find a new job that paid more and gave him more time at home with them...He could make things alright.
The door slowly opened, letting in the cold night air, just as it gently touched the wall, coming to full dilation he almost flew from the building, falling on his hands and knees, the icy ground scratching up his hands and knees. The pain was irrelevant, he had to get to his Eliza at all costs. He looked up, her white nightgown shining in the moonlight. Standing in front of him was what looked like his beloved wife, but it wasn’t Elizabeth. It was some misformed specter, something unnatural and mutated from a personal hell. He stared, looking at the grotesque representation of his wife, her nose had been chewed off, leaving nothing but a bloody nasal cavity, bits of cartilage and skin hanging off of it. Her right iris seemed to be stuck in the corner of her eye, trying to come to focus in front of her, red and bloody. Her skin was an ashy gray, withered and rotten from decades gone past. Her white gown made the skin of the creature look more off color than it probably was. The smell of death and rotten meat filled his nostrils. The false Elizabeth reached out her hand to caress his cheek, “Come home Markie, “ Blood and bile pouring from her mouth, “Come home,” A dark, devilish voice seemed to slither out of her mouth past the blood, the black liquid covering her white night gown in the moonlight. The voice that was hers and not hers at all the same time, rattled his brain, making him feel an internal earthquake in his head. Her outstretched fingers looked like gray rotten carrots, wrinkled past the point of recognition, the knuckles sticking out of the flesh like giant tumors, fingernails that had more of a resemblance to claws than actual nails. Slowly, the creature's Icy cold fingers gently make contact with his face, gently brushing his cheek.
Markus sat up in his cot screaming, soaking with sweat as if he’d gone swimming. Savagely scanning the room, he wiped the sweat from his eyes. It had been a dream, some awful rendition of his mind. Markus bent his knees up, resting his forehead on them and wrapping his arms around everything, he stayed in an upright fetal position until the first signs of light breached the windows. Convinced he’d never sleep again, he stumbled out into the living area and straight to the coffee maker he’d brought.
Markus sat in his lawn chair perched on the porch, sipping coffee in the cold, still morning. He hadn’t noticed the small white animal camouflaged in the snow until the caffeine had taken hold and he was able to clear his eyes of the night's salty sweat from constantly rubbing them. Curiously, he arose and approached the small crumpled fluff on the ground. “Peter cotton tail would be wise to stay out of Mr. McGregor’s garden. The cougar might catch you,” Markus said to the small rabbit who lay dead on the ice. He picked it up by the back foot, wishing for some good luck but somehow knowing he was far from it. The bloody fur stuck to the morning freeze, making a sick ripping sound as he pulled it upwards. “Lord..” Markus mumbled as the animal slowly spun by its foot. Whatever had gotten the little thing has disemboweled it, using scalpel and surgeon-like precision to cut from the jugular down the length of the body. Markus could see the entrails still intact, thanks to the freezing temperatures everything had hardened in place overnight. Crusted and Frozen blood hung onto the rabbit like a tick, even as Markus gently walked deep into the tree line. Tossing the dead animal into a bush some ten feet away, it landed with a solid thud. Markus returned to the crime scene, frozen blood still staining the white earth. “What kind of animal kills a rabbit like this and just leaves it? It had to have been that cougar, and something spooked it off. Right? Yeah, that’s it. Maybe something bigger, like a bear.” Markus knew he was lying to himself but just to be sure, he searched the area for tracks. Hopeful in finding giant cat prints, he found nothing but his own. There wasn’t even a sign of rabbit tracks, a phenomenon completely unnatural, however Markus chalked it up to sleep exhaustion and too much alcohol the night before. That was the only explanation.

Grabbing the keys off the table and making his way to his Jeep, Markus put the keys in the ignition, the metal beast jolting to life. He worried the tires would be frozen to the ground, but even if they were the vehicle moved with ease, rolling down the tree lined path towards John’s Gas and Grocery. Sometime later he arrived at the failed attempt at a gas-n-shop store. Markus jumped at the store’s bell as he pushed the door open, the owner John staring at him with interest as to why the living dead person who mysteriously drifted into town almost a week prior was stumbling through his door. “Friend, are you still living?” Markus blankly stared at the Native man, for the first time taking in the person he’d made contact with. Markus abscently thought, ‘This man is ancient. How old could he possibly be?” 

John, growing tired of the blank expression on Markus’s face, told him to come near. Markus did what he was told, nearing the wrinkled leathery face of the old man. “What have you seen?” John asked Markus, studying his copper features. “Uhm...What?” Markus stammered. ‘Brilliant, show the old man your intelligence level like you didn’t get past the eight grade,’ Markus thought to himself, admittingly a little harsh on himself.
“In the forrest. Have you seen anything?” John’s eyes seemed to pierce Markus’s soul. “I mean, the was a dead buck, and then this morning the was a dead rabbit.” Markus replied, as if he were on some wildlife observation trip. “You’re holding out on me, young man,” John said with an eir of scolding. Markus chuckled, “Young man? John i’m thirty-two.”
“And to me you’ll always be a young man. So what of the trees?”
Markus felt as though John was attempting to take him under his wing as a new born robin. “I heard a woman scream in the woods, while I was chopping kindle. Figured it must have been a cougar,” Markus said. “Mmmm,” John hummed. “Come for more cheep beer than?”
Markus was borderline offended, “What of it? I could drive into town if you’d like, buy my drinks there.”
“You are welcome to do as you please, Mark. I was talking about getting something a little nicer though. I could swing by after I close up, bring some food and something to drink that settles a little easier than off brand beer. Be around at 8:30?”
“Woah, whats the occasion?” Markus teased the old man, wondering if John thought they were long lost friends.
“No occasion, I knew Gina. I’d like to come see the old place, if you’d be alike to that.”
“How’d you know I was related to Gina?” Markus asked narrowing his eyes suspiciously.
“I have lived in this town for sixty-five years. I remember when that Cabin was built, a matter of fact I worked at the hardware store when your grands’ would come in for supplies. I was only fourteen or fifteen at the time. After the town started to dry up in the seventies, the store shut her doors for good.” John seemed to stare into the distance, reminiscing about years gone past.
Markus seemed somewhat surprised, “I had no idea there was anything more than your store out here. What happened to the town?”
“Well a combination of things make the town die, they were supposed to build a sub-highway that came right through here. After they decided to move it south, travelers stopped coming through this way. Thats the reason I tell every traveler that comes through here.”
Markus Mused, “So what else killed the town, and why is your store still here?”
“Well I get just enough people come through to keep my doors open, usually old timers like myself that know a short cut around the city. That or people looking for a true backwoods adventure. I always tell them to move on, this isn’t the kind of place they want to spend the night, It can be hostile you know.”
“I see. But you only answered one of my questions.” Markus seemed to be prying for something John was pretending wasn’t there.
“As I said Mark, these woods can be hostile. As you’ve seen, theres things in these woods you don’t want to cross. Some travelers listen, some don’t, and some aren’t again seen after they leave these door.”
“Ah, I see. You’re going to kill me then,” Markus said with a wink. John chuckled, “I haven’t quite made up my mind on that.”
“Well in that case, i’ll take fifteen on the pump,” Markus smiled for the first time in a long time, he thought it may have been weeks, maybe even months since he had really smiled.

Markus and John sat on the cold patio, sipping on some exceptionally smooth whiskey John had brought, and seemed eager to share. “So,” Markus said, shifting in his seat to face John while fluffing up against his coat. “How’d you know I was related to Gina?” 

“Well Mark, as I said I’ve been around a long time. This little ol’ cabin is the only residence in the area so there was some buzz around town when your grands decided to build.”
Markus seemed puzzled, this seemed like prime real estate. “Why hasn’t anyone else ever build here?”
“Many have tried and have failed. You can still find abandoned materials or sometimes foundation if you look hard enough in the right places. How Gina and Frank ever got this place built and habitibal is nothing short of a miracle.”
Markus seemed slightly confused, and he wondered if it was because of lack of knowledge or the healthy buzz he was gaining from the top shelf alcohol. “So all these people just abandoned their properties? It couldn’t be the winters, I mean it’s bitter cold out here but not uninhabitable. The summers are probably quite pleasant...The wild life? No, they say Bears and Cougars would just as well leave you alone. Maybe it was economic hardship, and they bared through long enough to finally get it completely built.” Markus seemed to be using vocal deductive reasoning at this point, rather than for conversation.
“As I said, some believe these woods to be cursed. But as I recall, you don’t believe in Bigfoot. Isn’t that right?” John seemed to tease Mark who felt like he was gently swaying with the breeze. John didn’t seemed to be phased by the liquor at all though, it made Markus wonder if he was a lightweight after all.
“Right, I don’t believe because there isn’t such thing.” Markus said, with an eir of matter-of-fact. “Mmmm,” John mummed again. “But you believe in Gigantopithicus, no?”
Markus stammered, “Giganto-what-icus? John, this alcohol is weighing on me, you’re gonna have to make sense.”
John smiled warmly, “Gigantopithicus. It was a large ape-like animal that went extinct a few thousand years ago, native to the same area’s people claim to see Bigfoot. Do you think it’s possible a small population survived extinction? Or perhaps stories of the beasts when they existed amongs men survived through generations of story telling. What do you think, Mark?” Markus stared at John, peicing together what he said. It actually made sense to him though, if there had really been a gigantic ape like creature that roamed the earth, wouldn’t either option be possible?
“Or perhaps the werewolf, who some speculate originated by what’s known as ‘werewolf syndrome.’ A normal man, like you and I, but he grows hair on every inch of his body, catches something like rabies and makes him go, well, rabid.” John seemed like he was trying to get a point across, Markus just didn’t know what.
“So you’re trying to tell me, I giant ape and a rabid hairy guy are running around out here?” Markus said, confusion marking his tipsy face.
“I think you missing the point son, the point is every myth has an origin. Some are more real than you’d like they could be.” John started to grow serious.

They sat for sometime however, pondering on what was said. Eventually John broke the silence, “I wasn’t part of the search party for Gina.” John said, sorrow aging his face even further. 

“Me neither,” Markus said, taking another drink. The cold liquid burning down his throat, making him feel a foux warmth.
“I knew they wouldn’t find her, Markus. They never find the lost in these woods. Why didn’t you come to aid?” John asked.
“I know I should have. It would have been the right thing to do, and Gina deserved it. I guess the reason isn’t because of her, I’m resentful to the rest of her family.” Markus started to grow cold, starting from his soul.
“You know, family is all we have. It may be worth making amends before it’s too late.”
Markus thought about these words from John, he was right. Not about his fathers side of the family but about the family he’s created with Elizabeth and Judy. Elizabeth, Markus visibly shivered, remembering his dream.
“You’re right. But are they still family if they pretend like you don’t exist? And then the only time you do exist is when you’re the butt of their joke? I’m sorry, I just don’t believe they’re anything more than a gene pool to me. But Elizabeth and Judy, they’re what matters.” Markus could feel the anger bubbling up inside him, remembering going to Gina’s and Noah, his uncle, telling the then eight year old Markus to sit down and shut the hell up or so help him. Then there was the time at the family Christmas party he sat on the outskirts of the room, ignored by all, he hadn’t even wanted to go but his mother thought it was important for him to try and exist to that side of the family. Another stretch of awkward silence followed, both men pretended like it didn’t exist by sipping on their liquor.

What broke the silence was the slightest sound of a twig snap, it would have been an invisible noise if it weren’t for the silence. John’s eyes snapped in that direction, immediately breaking into a cold sweat. “It’s alright John, it’s probably just a rabbit or something. No such thing as Bigfoot, remember?” Markus smiled, trying to lighten the sudden heaviness in the air. 

“Yes, you’re right. Jumpy I suppose,” John said, sitting back into his seat, and rocking himself forward into a standing position. “I best be getting on my way,” John said, eager to exit.
Markus seemed confused, “Are you sure? Your company has been really nice, and I could use my friends right now.”
“I’ll come back in a few days, probably sometime in the morning…” John trailed off, staring into the tree line.
Chapter Four: Hunting

Markus woke up in an upright sweat, his eyes looking around widely. The blinding white light was peaking its way through the old floral curtains, hurting his eyes. Something had woken him up in a startle. Was it a dream? Was he still in the cabin? Had his wife wanted to separate? Yes, Markus told himself. It’s all real, as badly as he wanted all of it to be a bad dream, this was reality. 

BANG BANG.
Within a split second, Markus was on the floor reaching under the bed, pulling out a long black case. He hadn’t seen the gun case but he knew his grandmother well enough to know that there was a rifle or perhaps a shotgun under the bed and a handgun, most likely a 40. In the closet or nightstand.
He fumbled with the zipper, KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. Someone was pounding at the door of the cabin, he through the cover of the case open and pulled out a B.R.O AR-15 and a full magazine. Even in his impending doom, all he could think was, “Dang. Grammy is packing full heat.” Even while he loaded the weapon he mused at the beautiful firearm. Blacked out, pistol grip with a combo laser and X20 scope. Markus had shot a gun a few times but had never really been hunting before. His mind glimpsed back to his teenage years when a friend had taken him out to their farm and shot doves with a 12 gauge. He got so frustrated, it seemed impossible to shoot those tiny birds while twenty feet in the air, making emergency serpentine maneuvers.

Markus pulled the rifle up to his shoulder and looked down the sights, past the scope. He figured in close quarters like this the scope wouldn’t do much good, even though it’d probably mess with his aim not looking down the barrel straight. 

“Hellooo? Is anybody home?” It was a man's voice, but not very deep. Almost as though it never dropped from his teenage years. Markus pointed straight at the door but kept his finger off the trigger, hovering just outside of it just in case. “This is private property and you’re trespassing, I am armed and ready to defend myself,” Markus yelled back sternly. The door shut ever so slightly, and the man calmly replied, “I mean no harm, my name is Carry. My wife and I were out hunting for elk and we got lost tracking one. We just need to be pointed in the direction of town. Please.”
Markus took a deep breath and exhaled, lowering the rifle. He walked over to the door and opened it, in the doorway stood a man, no taller than five foot nine, dressed in designer winter gear, and a woman behind him, meeting the same standards only slightly shorter. She was pretty, long blonde hair well taken care of, and probably a whole pallet of makeup on. The man had a five o’clock shadow, but Markus could tell he was usually clean-shaven. Markus could only think, you have GOT to be kidding me.

“It’s got to be fifteen degrees out here, come on in and I’ll make some coffee. I can take you into town after I dress,” Markus said as he opened the door so the out-of-place couple could enter. He threw some wood into the fireplace and dropped a match, it seemed to ignite instantaneously. The strange couple sat in front of the fire, warming their hands with a cup of cheap coffee. Markus couldn’t believe these people, they were about as “yuppy” as they come. What kind of people wear designer outdoor clothing and a sportsman Rolex on a hunting trip, and how on earth did they end up this far from the closest habited building? 

I was part of the first wave if layoffs back in 2022/early 2023 at Google and now I’m back again at team-matching by some random chance. Is anybody else in that position or in team-matching right now? Although I currently have a good job at a non FANG company, I’m stressing out because I really want my job back and have no other competing recruiting processes.
How did you handle team-matching? Do you have any tips on how to sell myself when I get a call scheduled with a team? And if currently in this position too, are you getting multiple calls or is it really slow?
Thanks for the replies!

Hello everyone! I recently got a job that doesn't supply a 401k or retirement accounts of any kinds. I've always invested in a 401k, so am trying to figure out the easiest ways to invest outside of a 401k. What would you suggest as a way to invest that requires as much work (read: requires very little work) as a 401k? Thank you for any help you can provide!

TW: mentions of “not nice” behaviour and substance issues. A bit “bad childhood heavy”, as I felt the context was needed. This is my first Reddit, sorry if I lack “reddiquette”.
I (F26) don’t really know what to make of this. I have always prided myself on being a loyal, decisive person. But I’ve had some bad romantic relationships in the past, and didn’t have the best examples of romance growing up, so I suppose I am looking for feedback as I’m anxious of getting hurt. I don’t really trust myself to make a good choice, and I am too anxious to talk to anyone I know irl about my feelings. I am also worried about biased feedback from irl friends/family. You can judge/be honest, but if you can try to be kind, that would be appreciated (unless I really need to hear some hard truths). Starting with the brief as possible version of events, BUT - if you have a very strong opinion, ask as many questions as you like, although I will try to detail as much as possible in the initial post. If you can take the time to read the essays before weighing in too harshly (sorry), it would be appreciated.
CLIFF-ISH NOTES:
I am not dating either guy right now. Guy 1 I have known for over a decade. Guy 2 I have known for almost 2 years. Both of them recently confessed their feelings, prompting this post.
Guy 1: (M27) Popular for good-reason; he’s cool/likeable/attractive/stable. I’ve had feelings for him for a long, long time. We get along amazingly well. There is lots of love, history, and comfort there. But there are insecurities and anxieties that stem from my bad childhood/exes, and the fact he’s only recently seen me in a romantic light. While being an amazing friend, who makes me feel great in-person, he’s a poor virtual communicator, and not the best at following through on plans. I’m not sure if I’m his “type”, or if he just thinks I’m the best he can do.
Guy 2: (M25) Sweet but awkward fellow with an outlandish sense of humour; largely considered kind of weird, but his small friend-group adore him. Has been smitten since he met me, is an amazing communicator, and makes me feel like I’m (at least in his eyes) a dream girl. But I don’t know Guy 2 as well, much of our communication is virtual, and he has a serious addiction issue (6 months sober, but I saw what he was like under the influence, and it definitely stresses me out). Big issue for me as my very uncool dad was an addict.
WHY DO I HAVE TO CHOOSE: because I don’t like the idea of keeping either of them “on ice”. Respect and care about them too much to do that. I cannot in good conscience string them along while I “make up my mind”. And I do want a relationship.
THE STAKES: picking one or the other will most-likely permanently impact my relationship with the one I don’t choose.
MY FEARS IF I PICK GUY 1 AND IT IS WRONG: I learn (be it in a month or 20 years) that he settled for me.
MY FEAR IF I PICK GUY 2 AND IT IS WRONG: I am being self-destructive, and mirroring the dynamic I saw growing up.
WHY AM I ON REDDIT: my therapist was too neutral, and I don’t have anyone irl I feel I can talk to about this and get unbiased feedback.
WHAT I WANT: a wise, kind, opinionated person to tell me which parts of my brain are being smart and which parts of my brain are being paranoid.
THE ESSAYS:
Guy 1: old family friend. He’s good looking, funny, charismatic. I know a LOT of girls who like him (but he’s completely unaware… he’s short, so HE doesn’t think he’s good looking. BUT - he is short in a genuinely confident, silly, “personality and face-card from the gods” kind of way, so he’s actually catnip to women, unfortunately for me lol). I liked him before he liked me, which is part of my hesitation. I have a very deeply rooted fear of being someone’s second pick (context: it was my mom, my sister, and myself growing up, and my dad was the primary “not nice person”, if you get me. While my dad was “not nice” to my mom, my sister, and myself, he was “not nice” in different ways. I got most of the direct/physical/verbal stuff, and was his “scapegoat” when things went wrong. My sister he would favour as the “golden child”, but this is not her fault and ALSO A FORM OF EMOTIONAL “NOT-NICE-NESS”. Do not come after her! That being said, as a result, I grew up genuinely believing there was something innately wrong with me, and that I was a second-rate human, basically. It was so bad that when we were teenagers, if I developed a crush on a guy, I would go “Oh, I should introduce him to sister right away since he’ll probably like her more, and then I can just get it out of the way.” These insecurities were exasperated when I ended up in not one, but two - god’s stupidest soldier fr - relationships with “not nice” men who capitalized on these anxieties after I opened up to them. “Oh, I should have dated sister, sucks I’m stuck with you.” or “Yeah, you’re just easier, if I actually cared I’d have gone for sister.” They’d say these kinds of things every time I did something they didn’t like, more or less; if I was trying to breakup with them, if I was trying to leave, if I was asking them to stop cheating on me, if I was calling the police, or even if I was just laughing/talking too much when we were out with friends. I am 26 now, and I have been single for 3 years to work on these issues w/a therapist, and it’s been great. I know now that what they were saying wasn’t true, it was just used to hurt/manipulate me. That being said - it’s REALLY hard to shake those feelings!). So - since I’ve been friends with him a long time, I’ve sat with Guy 1 and listened to him vent about girl problems. And a lot of the girls he’s dated in the past look nothing like me - he seems to go for tall, very thin, classy brunettes. I am not unattractive by western beauty standards, but if his “type” has traditionally been Kiera Knightly types, I am physically more like a Florence Pugh type (I am strong and healthy, but I am not a size zero, and could not starve myself to be one. I am 5’ 4” and 130 pounds, so very far from “supermodel” vibes. I’m also naturally blonde/bleached almost white hair, with light eyes, not dark haidark eyes. And my style is what many would describe as alternative, or “cooperate goth” since I have a desk job at a bank). I just feel like even though he likes me now, it’s because he feels like he’s not good enough for the girls he actually wants to date/hasn’t successfully held onto his exes. He’s made me music playlists, he has a box where he keeps every stupid thing I’ve ever given him/made him since we’ve been friends, and hanging out with him always makes me feel amazing - I don’t feel bad about myself when he’s around, and he’s never negatively compared me to anyone (he made a joke once, when we were teens, that I was the “uncool sister”, but when he found out how bad it hurt my feelings, he wrote me a hand-written apology, and has never made a comment like that since). So, it’s not that I doubt he cares about me. It’s whether or not he cares enough. For one thing, I don’t always feel like a priority with him (when we are hanging out in person, it’s clear that he likes me. He listens to me, remembers things I’ve said, laughs at even my worst jokes, will cut other people off if they interrupt me, and really “zeroes in” on basically everything I say/do. BUT - he is a horrendous texter. He could genuinely go days without replying to me. This isn’t unique to just us - he does it with his family, too, who he’s extremely close to. But it still doesn’t feel great. Second, while he always includes me in his plans, he is very bad at sticking with/following through on plans - he could text me Friday morning asking to hang out that night, and then at 4PM I’ll get a text that things fell through and nothing is actually happening. And he’s being honest - I’ll get Snapchats from his roommate that confirm he’s just having a night in - but it is kind of lame when I’ve spent my whole day excited to hang out with him, just to have him be like “Oop, sorry, never mind”). Granted, his flakey track record has been pre-romantic-confession, but who’s to say it would change when we are dating? I have read so often guys “settle down” when they’re ready, and marry the girl who’s “available”; I don’t want to be the girl who’s just always been “available” to him, because I’ve liked him for so long. I’d rather stay single and BE “the one who got away” than be married to him for 20 years and find out he’s telling our kids about the ACTUAL “one who got away”.
Guy 2: I have only known him for about 2 years. He has liked me - very openly - from the moment he met me, and has made zero attempts to hide that from anyone. After we first met, he told almost all of our mutual friends about me (including initially Guy 1, who ratted out Guy 2’s crush to me. Not surprisingly Guy 1 also peppered in about as much “ick-worthy” material on Guy 2 as he could at the time, which is probably part of why I didn’t follow up on Guy 2’s interest immediately). He’s on the spectrum, so he’s a bit socially awkward, but in a way I actually really enjoy. I am usually not quick to assume someone’s interest in me, but it’s easy with him because he’s so obvious and honest. For instance, when we started hanging out, he invited me to a gig for his band, and “casually walked by” my friends and I about 7 times before I stopped him and said hi, and he replied “Oh! I didn’t see you there! I’m so glad you could come!”… it was quite sweet. We don’t hang out that often, as our social circles aren’t the same (Guy 1 and Guy 2 are both musicians, so they were friends, as were their bandmates, but that’s about the only overlap we have/had. Guy 1 and 2 have unfollowed each other on social media over the past yeakind of fell out, due to events unrelated to me, but neither of them have told me much. I only know because I invited them both to a party and they both filled me in that they had “creative differences” and don’t hang out anymore). But, we do chat quite a bit, and will often meet up for concerts since we have similar music taste (he’s the only person I know irl besides myself who listens to actual goth music/bands. I like metal, too, which is what most people assume I mean, but it was refreshing when I told him I liked gothic music and he actually wanted to talk about Sisters of Mercy/Rosetta Stone/London After Midnight, and KNEW enough about the genre to really deep-dive with me). Unlike with Guy 1, Guy 2 has never made me doubt where I stand with him - he replies to anything I send him asap, and it’s always in a thoughtful way, making it easy to carry on conversations. He’s active on my social media (NOT in a creepy way or a “😍🔥” way. But he will comment something funny if I post, and replies to basically all of my stories). Guy 2, while he can definitely banter in a funny/witty way, doesn’t ever put me down (he can be very self-deprecating, and a lot of our banter is akin to “Oh, so you, a woman, are telling me to jump off a bridge?” And then he’d drop me his location at a local bridge). Guy 1 on the other hand - while he’s never compared me to my sister after that initial hiccup as teens - and I can definitely get a bit mean with our banter (I DO enjoy it, a lot. That is my sense of humour. But, while we definitely balance it out w/kindness when we need it, there is a nagging doubt sometimes that maybe I should not date a guy who says mean things, even as a joke? Idk). Guy 2 is physically cute to me - I don’t know if I find him as attractive as Guy 1, but that could just be because I’ve liked Guy 1 for so much longer. Guy 1 is definitely more popular (again, he’s unaware that people think he’s cool, but most people think he’s cool), while Guy 2 is widely considered to be a bit odd (he’s not cool, and he doesn’t think he’s cool, but he also doesn’t seem to care at all). I really don’t care about that at the end of the day - if anything, I find it kind of endearing. Guy 2 also doesn’t seem to take my time/energy for granted; if he invites me to something, he usually says something along the lines of “Wow, I can’t believe you’re here! I can’t believe you actually came!”, even though to my knowledge I’ve never flaked on him/said no to plans. He really makes me feel appreciated, like I’m his “dream girl” come to life. While I’d usually take a step back (love-bombing red flag), he’s been like this now for the entire time we’ve been friends, and he hasn’t wavered. I believe he’s too genuine of a person to do that, to be honest. My biggest concern with Guy 2 is that he very openly struggles with a substance abuse problem. He has actively been doing what he can to get help and overcome his issues, and is 6 months sober. But my dad was an addict, and I know how detrimental being in a relationship with one can be, even when they aren’t “not nice”. My dad wasn’t “not nice” when he married my mom; his dependency on drugs/alcohol definitely contributed to him becoming who he was. I’ve only really seen Guy 2 under the influence once, last year, and while he wasn’t scary/mean, I didn’t like being around him - he was very loud, high-strung, and obnoxious. He apologized after, and that’s when I learned about his substance problem. He’s been very “tough” about it, in my opinion - he doesn’t seem like a victim-type, he hasn’t made me listen to him cry for hours on end, he didn’t give me a “tragic backstory”. And I’d have been ok with him doing any of that, to be honest - I know substance abuse always comes with severe mental/emotional pain. I kind of expected it, as that is what my dad did to my mom/sister. But I feel like he held back on account of what he knows about my past, which I appreciate; I don’t feel like he expects me to fix him, or play therapist.
So now that you’ve heard about them, this is my issue. I’ve recently learned they both have feelings for me. Guy 2 was the first to tell me, and I told him I had to think, due to his substance issues, and he totally understood. Then this weekend, Guy 1 told me he has feelings for me, too. I wasn’t aware Guy 1 would ever see me in that way, so this revelation was kind of a big deal. As for Guy 2, while I knew he liked me initially, since we’ve been friends for almost 2 years and nothing came of it, I assumed his feelings had changed. I’ve learned now his hesitation was more related to getting sober before pursuing anything with me. While I wish it would be possible to stay friends with both of them for the time being, I know what it’s like to be strung along, and I don’t want to do that to them. They are both really nice guys (genuinely respect people, never cheated on anyone, cool interests, smart, and have been good friends to me). I don’t realistically see myself as learning more about my feelings on the matter by waiting. I think the biggest “obstacles” to either of the relationships are already obvious, and the only way I’d learn more would be by proceeding to enter a relationship with one of them. But, depending on who I pick, that will end any opportunity to pursue a relationship with the other. The way I foresee it, with what I know of them, if I date Guy 1, Guy 2 and I probably won’t stay in touch. While I wasn’t the reason he got sober, I was a big motivator. He struggles with his self worth, and it took a lot for him to tell me how he feels. He’s also been obvious with his intent from the get go; he wasn’t friends simply to be friends. I already feel bad I haven’t given him an answer yet (it’s been a week since he came clean and asked me if I’d be interested in being his girlfriend). I think Guy 2 and I are similar in many ways, so I empathize with him a lot, and I know how devastating it would be to be rejected. While this isn’t enough to make me date him if it’s not the right choice for me, I respect him too much to date Guy 1, and then ask Guy 2 to give me another chance if it doesn’t work out with Guy 1. I don’t want to be second pick, so I’d never do that to him. If I date Guy 2, I think Guy 1 and I would stay friends, but I can’t realistically see him staying single/giving me another chance if things go south with Guy 2. I think Guy 1 comes from a much healthier family dynamic than me/Guy 2, so he’d probably recover from the rejection quickly, but put me in the permanent friend zone to avoid future “complications” in our friendship. Guy 1 has always had a practical, logical take on romance/relationships (again, part of why he’s popular… he’s very rational, and knows how to protect his feelings/the feelings of others), and I just can’t picture him ever doubling-back (for instance, when I met him in high school, he was dating a girl we will call Cindy. Cindy and him broke up, but due to being in the same social circle, remained cordial. 2 years ago, Cindy asked him for a second chance, now that they’re oldewiser. He acknowledged that Cindy was pretty and nice, but that he had no interest in dating her again, since he now saw her as just a friend).
Why am I on Reddit? Because I genuinely don’t have anyone I can talk to about this in real life. I have three girls I’d describe as best friends, and all of them are friends with Guy 1 (one of them is actually his first cousin). They are HUGELY in favour of us becoming a couple, so they are incredibly biased for him. They’re also anti-Guy 2, in a largely “silly goofy” way (if I mention him doing something I find interesting, for instance, they’ll say “Oh yeah that’s cool he can do that… hey did you hear that Guy 1 actually has a World Record for being the best at that?”). I haven’t really told them I like Guy 2, because I am worried if I said anything, word might get back to Guy 1 via his cousin (very strong family values, they are very loyal. I think given the fact he has now told me how he feels about me, the expectation is if I feel the same way whatsoever, there shouldn’t be any debate. So if any of this gets back to her, it will get back to him, and he will opt out of liking me in that way). I also haven’t told them I like Guy 1, mainly because I didn’t think he’d ever like me, and was embarrassed. I’m sure they are probably aware to some extent how I feel about Guy 1 and Guy 2, but right now, the lack of confirmation is a protection for me. As for Guy 2, the only people I’m exceptionally close to who have interacted with him are my mom and sister. Guy 2 and I don’t have any close overlapping close friends. My mom and sister, while I love them a lot, are not people I’d rely on to vouch for someone’s character. They’re not always wrong (for instance, my sister’s long term bf is an amazing guy, and they LOATHED my one “not nice” ex bf from jump). But they have also been incredibly wrong in the past (they adored my other “not nice” ex, to the point they even sided with him against me at points, despite being confronted with physical evidence/seeing him be “not nice” to me… it took a LOT of time/healing for us to recover from that). My mom and sister, due to the dynamics we were raised in, tend to be biased towards people who treat my sister well (as per our former family therapist, for reference as to where I get all this from). Again, do NOT come for them, they are victims as much as I am, but the “golden child” mentality my dad enforced has permanently impacted how my mom/sister see the world. They are conscious of it now, and do their best to correct it. But whether or not a guy I bring around is “good” or “bad” to them largely depends on how he interacts with my sister. So, with Ex 1, he was pretty curt/harsh with her (kind of a jerk in general… again, he would compare me to her in private, but talked down to her in person, definitely trying to play us against each other), and as a result, my mom/my sister couldn’t stand him. With Ex 2, he was significantly more charming/flattering to her (even openly praising hecomparing me to her, where I was always lacking), and so my mom/sister were naturally more biased to him (saying it again, NOT THEIR FAULT. This is how we were raised, and it was a survival thing for my mom/sister. Old habits die hard. My sister was raised with the belief she was inherently superior to me, and my mom had to go along with it to avoid being further hurt by my “not nice” dad). My mom and sister are close friends with Guy 1’s family, BUT - they aren’t fans of him specifically, on account of the apology letter he wrote me over the insensitive joke he made when we were teenagers (fr). Even though in the note he didn’t mention my sister, my sister found the note, read it, and was hurt by the implication he preferred me to her, especially since we were all friends (she was only 16 at the time, and we were pretty freshly out from my dad’s influence. It was a reoccurring insecurity for her when people liked me more, and she would almost compulsively have to prove otherwise before we got help from a professional). My mom and sister have since then been a bit icy/cold to Guy 1 as a result. My sister has been WAY better since she started dating her long-term bf (our relationship improved dramatically; my therapist pointed out that since she’s “off the market”, she can reason that if someone doesn’t like her more than me, it’s simply because she isn’t available. So, we are no longer in “competition”, from my sister’s point of view). So, when they met Guy 2, and he clearly showed exclusive interest in me (he was very polite! But due to being on that damn spectrum he could not feign interest in hearing about my sister’s workday lol… he really tried), nobody’s feelings were hurt; my sister was with her bf, she was clearly not available, so there was nothing triggering to her about a guy favouring me over her.
I am terrified if I pick Guy 1, I will find out how he really feels, and it won’t be how I feel for him. I’ll find out he never got over Cindy or something, or worse, some girl he never shot his shot with. Like, he actually DID think my sister was the cool one, and he wrote the letter because he felt bad, but ruined his chances with her, and I was “close enough”. And then I’ll feel hollow, sad, and insecure, and it will validate the things my dad/exes said; I’m not good enough, not even for someone who was one of my best friends, who I think the world of. I’m nobody’s first pick, I’m just convenient. And then I’ll feel remorse that I didn’t pick Guy 2, who made me feel like I was his dream girl. I am worried by picking Guy 1, it’s because my insecurities were so overpowering, I felt like I couldn’t say no to the “perfect” Guy 1, and had to “prove” I was worthy of his romantic attention. But, in doing so, I am ignoring the real “spark” with Guy 2. I’ll spend the rest of my life feeling like I am just not enough, and comparing myself to every girl, and eventually my insecurity will ruin the relationship.
But I am scared if I pick Guy 2, I can’t save him/help him, he is an addict, and it turns him into a person I don’t like (maybe even someone who harms me). I realize later I chose him because I was not as healed as I thought I was; I didn’t want to acknowledge I am good enough for Guy 1, I let my insecurities fly the plane, and they steered it right into disaster. The stupid, traumatized girl inside of me walked away from the Guy 1 of MY dreams, just because she couldn’t grasp that he’d like her, only to end up not even being the girl of Guy 2’s dreams, either. Or maybe I am, but I am what my mom was to my dad - he never moves on from me, but he’s “not nice”, calls me up to scream at me every night when I finally leave, and I have to watch him end himself with substances/alcohol.
So this is why I really… REALLY need someone to weigh in and help me who doesn’t have a personal agenda. I’d prefer it if advice came from people who are oldehave life experience, who can either add merit to my fears, or reassure me if I’m overthinking something. I don’t even know if I SHOULD be in a relationship - I am worried I could just be too anxious/damaged, and the best option could be telling both of these guys no. BUT, I discussed that with my therapist, and she feels strongly I am in a place where a relationship would be doable for me, and that the biggest thing I need to determine is what I want (in her opinion, I am mentally/emotionally/financially stable, I am self aware, I’ve put in the effort to understand and heal from my past, and I have a good track record of healthy friendships, if not romantic relationships, which should set me up for a good romantic relationship going forward). She would not give me an opinion on Guy 1 or Guy 2, as she said she doesn’t know them, but based on what I’ve told her, she doesn’t think either would necessarily be bad romantic partners (she did say Guy 2’s substance abuse warranted caution, but that having a past isn’t a valid reason to write someone off completely). I have decided I do really want to be in a good relationship, with someone who loves me for who I am. But genuinely… I don’t trust myself enough to know who that is? People say “if you know, you know” or “when it’s the right person, you’ll know”, but I CANNOT imagine that actually being realistic in my case. Maybe for people who have good childhoods and have the fortune of finding true love with the first person they date, but I’m also skeptical these people just say that because they never knew bettedon’t want to admit they got married to the first person they kissed simply due to lacking a frontal lobe. The best, genuine relationships I know are usually between people who love each other, but have to put in WORK to maintain it (they have hard conversations, they make fair compromises, and they do it with respect, kindness, and not a hint of resentment. The couples I know who claim to have “fallen in love at first sight” all seem to be deeply resentful of each other, and like they made “compromises” that were actually more like ultimatums).
Anyway, this has been a very long rant. If you made it this far, I really hope you have a nugget of wisdom to share. Sorry if it was heavy lol. Thanks for taking the time 🖤

I'll provide some context and try to shorten things since I tend to right walls of text.
Im from southern California. I have medicare I think. I have the Healthnet Bronze 60 Ambetter HMO as my insurance. Last year I had Molina Platinum. Last year I tried starting hrt. I set up an appointment with Planned Parenthood, and right before the appointment, a lady called me, told me she was going to take my info and insurance info to be prepared before doing the appointment. She said something about how I couldnt start HRT with them because my PCP had to 'release' me from their system. Told me I had to schedule an appointment with them first and ask them to release me from their system. I schedule an appointment with them. My pcp was Innercare. They tell me that first time client appointment are stacked and the nearest appointment date was 2 months out. I say ok whatever I guess dont really have a choice. During those two months, life gets hectic and Im going through alot. I forget about said appointment, I forgot to log it and make a reminder of it and they never called/sent me a text so I had to reschedule. Again another 2 months. By this point, my insurance plan was during its renewal period and if I wanted to change insurance plans, I would have to go back to my insurance broker. I didnt think their would be any issues so I postponed meeting with my insurance broker. For whatever reason, Im like you know what I just wanna make sure my insurance did get renewed. I go with my insurance broker in March 2024. She tells me Molina ended their medicare contract in California, and now my insurance would go from 0$ to 114$ a month. I didnt have a job at this point so I couldnt afford it. I was force to change. Since I was also past the deadline, I couldnt get a favorable healthcare plan, so my only option was Health Bronze. Which is horrible. It says PCP is 60$ after deductible and Specialist is 95$ after deductible. RX is deductible is 500$ and deductible is 6300$. So basically either nothing will be covered or its going to be incredibly expensive. From my understanding.
From my current knowledge as I dont know to much about all this. I believe my only option right now is that I have to wait until November 1st to get a new and preferable insurance plan. Or is there something else I can do to start HRT sooner? Thank yall in advance for any helpful info.

24F 220lbs Duration on and off for a couple years
So long story short I have had GI issues that flare with anxiety for years now. Alternating constipation and diarrhea but eventually the issues subside and I feel better. This go round was triggerd 3 months ago, severe anxiety led me to having Alternating constipation and diarrhea and rectal pressure/tenesmus. I was freaked out for weeks. I had a drop of pink mucus pass a few weeks ago and that scared me even more, then I had an instance where I was out with my husband and got severe urgent "pull over now!" Diarrhea. I ran to the bathroom and all the urgent diarrhea was chia seeds I had eaten earlier that day. I had had 4 tablespoons soaked the day before and that morning I had 3. So a lot of fiber. I had extreme diarrhea and when it passed I wiped and there was a couple bright red streaks of blood on the TP. I became inconsolable and my husband drove me home, when I got home I had a little more diarrhea and lots of extreme gas. I dripped some bright blood in the toilet and passed a little mucus that had blood in it. It was never enough to turn the water color. The next day my bowels returned to normal and I didn't have any more bleeding. I felt better. This was all one week ago with no blood or diarrhea or issues since. I had a GP appointment set up and today I went in and explained everything. My fasting labs were "perfect" as she put it and said I'm not anemic or low on iron or anything concerning to her. She did a rectal exam and said I didn't have any external hemmheroids but I had a skin tag inside and that she suspected internal hemorrhoids but she said even if I did have them she wouldn't be able to feel them anyway. She reassured me that I'm fine and she isn't worried and the fact that my GI issues are intermittent and that I had a few drops of bright red blood she wasn't worried. Especially with my labs. I left feeling great but I still have some paranoia. Is that justified? Or does she sound right? Please advise thank you

Hi all, I realize that there are a bunch of posts on here related to weed and LOIs but I have a sort of specific question.
Here’s the rather long details: I am applying for a DOE Q clearance. I have a research role at a national lab if that matters.I was a a regulafrequent marijuana user for over 10 years. I would describe myself as a social user, a lot of my friends smoked so it was something we did together. Two years ago I stopped smoking or using any THC because when I was finishing up grad school I realized that it would limit my career options and I didn’t think getting high was worth it. When I filled out the SF-86 I hadn’t smoked in 1.5 years.
This week I received a Letter of Interrogatory (LOI) asking me to explain how I quit after several years of regular use. I am going to say that I avoided friends who used marijuana and didn’t go to parties/gatherings where I knew it would used, and that I focused on the positive aspects of not using marijuana.
I’m wondering though, if I should mention that I ended a 21 month relationship with someone who was a daily user. I ended the relationship over a year before I filled out the SF-86. He was supportive of my decision not to use, but had no intentions of quitting himself. I ended the relationship for a bunch of reasons, I was moving for my current job, and after several months of dating I felt that we weren’t compatible and didn’t have similar goals and outlooks. But the fact that he wouldn’t consider quitting for future career opportunities (mine or his) was a small factor.
I didn’t include him as a contact on my SF-86 because we never cohabitated and even though it was a longer relationship it didn’t feel that serious to me. Also I’m not in contact with him currently. I have his phone number but not his address info. I think he would be kind of annoyed if I reached out to him for this reason but that’s besides the point.
Should I include this info in my LOI response, and his contact information? Or is this info not relevant?
If you got to the bottom of this thanks for reading and thanks for your help!

If we’re being honest, I can’t remember if your graduation was the 5th or the 6th.
I remember you walking across and getting your diploma.
I remember the pictures your mom got of us - the ones you kept.
I kept the rose you gave me for a decade… eventually throwing it out because looking at it, dried and brittle, just reminded me of what became of us.
I remember that 2 months from this very date, 17 years ago, you picked me up and we went to get dinner and just hang out - it was the date of my speaking snafu in the drive thru at Carl’s Jr - and that was the day that I realized how much I enjoyed laughing with you, the way you made my brain engage and turn over, and the way you were just… so unbelievably YOU. That was the day I knew I was head over heels in love with you, and I knew it was going to hurt like hell if I ever lost you. I waited 2 more weeks to tell you. You responded in kind and my heart exploded. I was so excited and so fucking in love with you, dammit.
Becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy, a month after that - or so - August 12th-ish - we were supposed to have a date. I couldn’t get hold of you, and being feral and absolutely in love with you, I showed up to check that everything was okay and that we were, in fact, still going to the movie I had already found the tickets and times for… that was the day you told me that you lied. That you’d never loved me at all.
I remember what it physically felt like in my body to hear you say that. My chest felt like it was caving in. My hands could hardly hold the stupid flip phone in my hands as you went on and on about how dumb I was to have believed you. Insinuating that you had taken my virginity (you had not, thanks), insinuating that I was psycho and obsessed… we had worked together, we had become friends, we had dated - an item as a couple by your request, in the middle of the transformers movie that I still can’t watch (even though my child is obsessed with it) - and I thought we were doing just fine.
I got so physically and emotionally hurt that I dissociated from my own body and literally lost control of my own actions. I was 17. I had never been treated that poorly by anyone in my life, and I’d been treated pretty poorly. You forced me in the car, and drove me home, yelling damn near the entire way. No apologies for your behavior, even though I was apologizing profusely for having momentarily been so destroyed that I threw my phone.
I only remember asking a few mutuals if they understood what happened, because I absolutely didn’t. It was at this point, me entirely panicked and my entire soul feeling shattered, that you decided to label me a “psycho bitch.”
Yet, there you were 3 months later asking me if we could talk and saying you were sorry (because Lena left you behind) - telling me that you loved me and you were wrong for having lied about lying about loving me… and I was still so in love with you that I accepted it. We hooked up later that day, around September 18th, and your friend (Alex) drove me home (and the rest of your buddies were in the car - they made you get out and walk me to the door. You were wearing your tan dickies coat and a nice red and blue plaid button up that evening). You promised me we’d work on it.
When I hadn’t heard from you, my friends convinced me to send you a message.
I did, on AIM - in fact, and my heart shattered the rest of the way when you told me you’d thought about it again and you couldn’t be with “someone like [me - SIC].” I begged you to explain yourself because I couldn’t understand how you could be this horrendously evil toward me. You told me to fuck off, then made tremendous amounts of commentary about how I shouldn’t call people words I didn’t even know how to spell correctly.
I crumpled into bed for 2 weeks. I couldn’t get out the door to go to school. I dropped my advanced placement classes.
You sent me a message shortly after my birthday that year, apologizing again. That was the first time I told you that I didn’t know if I could trust you enough to let you come back again. I asked you to prove that you were serious about what you said. You got angry. I met someone. We dated for two weeks, then shortly before Halloween, our relationship ended. My friends invited me to a party. I’d never drank before. I’d also never smoked bud before. All I could think about in my inebriated state was you.
I texted and asked if we could talk. If you could bring me my favorites from your work. I will never know if someone put something in my beer at the party, or if you put something in my food, but… I don’t remember agreeing to sleep with you. I do remember the next morning, though.
I woke up thinking we had discussed things. Fixed it. That was not at all true - you threw my clothes at my face and told me to get dressed. You went into hardly speaking in the car, but as we rounded the corner to my childhood home, you started yelling that I was psycho and stupid and you hated me and that you never wanted to hear from me again. You literally reached over and opened the door to the iROC and you shoved me out on the pavement and you peeled out. I had begged you to take me back to my friend’s to get my stuff, but you legitimately screamed at me that you were taking me home so my parents would know what a worthless whore I was.
I didn’t leave my bed for 2 weeks. Someone started talking to me online. I thought it was great to have an older man interested in me - figured I would be safer, his family was of a good pedigree so my family was excited (I’m sure they just wanted me to leave home but that’s another letter for another day). I went to a concert for my favorite band in November. He and I started dating a week after that.
Two months and one day later and it was your birthday. I sent you an instant message telling you happy birthday. You told me off. A week later you apologized and begged for another chance. I told you I couldn’t because I was dating someone else, and given your behavior I couldn’t trust you.
For the next year and a half, we spoke cordially off and on as friends. My birthday, yours - until one day I texted you and I asked you if I could see you because I didn’t know who else to turn to. See, you’d gained most of my trust by then. You agreed, I came over. Told you everything that had gone down with the person I had been seeing. I had left him. You and I started hanging out more, but I was terrified to tell you that I still loved you, given how that had gone previously.
Then I saw you sending messages to a Christina on plenty of fish. I remember becoming shattered. I asked you about it - you told me not to worry about it - and your other ex (Anne) came to pick up her stuff she’d left. You had me open the door in the Boba Fett collector’s tee she purchased you.
I stupidly agreed. Hoping that maybe it would soon be safe to tell you that I still loved you.
Then, he came back to get his stuff, and I didn’t have a chance to call you so that you could be there before he got there. He slapped me. I ran over to yours… but two weeks later he said he wanted to come get his books I had finished reading, so I agreed, and he said he wanted to talk. I agreed.
You called while that was happening and he held me hostage after you two got into dick measuring contests about who I should be with - both of you ignoring how I felt.
You began calling me a psycho bitch again, told me never to contact you again, and I profusely apologized. I then just submitted to being stuck with an actually insane, abusive psycho that bragged about using thought experiments on me for fun.
Eventually you reached out again, we made amends, we had a solid friendship again. I helped you figure out how to smooth it out with Anne, and eventually you caught on that I was not okay. I was keeping it to myself because I had already accepted that you (the person by brain equates to “LOML” at this time for some dumb reason) weren’t ever going to be an option for me, so being physically and psychologically abused must be my lot in life. And I didn’t want you to worry about me - I’d just helped you patch things up with her, if you worried about me? That would have destroyed that. All of that.
Eventually, by your yearly birthday email from me, you worked it out of me… then threatened to move all of my things yourself if I didn’t do it. So I did it.
You two ended up breaking up during that time (or so you claimed), and we started seeing each other. We agreed not to bring up definitions right away so neither of us felt like running, and i waited 6 months to ask. Asked after you told me to leave a toothbrush and some PJs… you got angry and demanded 15 days to think about it. I knew how I felt - so this started to feel like it had before and the trauma you left me with from 6 years previous to that all bubbled up. I yelled. I cried. I begged to understand why.
And then I waited. And you never contacted me, until two months later, after you’d started stalking me. I took your refusal to follow through as the answer. You didn’t try to talk to me. You just started exhibiting aggressive and insane behavior while calling me insane for a normal reaction to your abnormal bullshit.
We eventually talked and agreed that it was the last time we were going to try. A few weeks in I was throwing up all of the alcohol I drank. You asked me to sit on daddy’s lap which weirded me out, instead of just asking me if I thought I should take a test.
A week after that was the Halloween party where Anne found out I not a crazy ex and that she was not your only one. The next morning, you asked me a hypothetical about breaking up, I responded darkly with sarcasm, we made plans to go to a show… and wouldn’t you know the day of the show I was suddenly a psychotic bitch that you told the relationship was over (when you’d done no such thing and we spoke on the phone two days before the show, ending it with I love yous, etc).
I spiraled. I was not okay. I was also pregnant and didn’t know it. When I miscarried 13 days before your birthday in January of 2013, friends told me I had to tell you. So I did. And you threatened my safety. By April of that year, management at my apartment had to have police remove you because you were trying to climb the building to get in the window. I told you you needed to stop, you threatened me, and I ran. Far far away.
You tried to follow me, to figure out my location, and I said no. Eventually? A mutual tried to date me, I moved back home, and they turned out to be a sack of shit. That’s where I met your current wife, my near identical twin, before her divorce. She conned me into going with Becca to serve the divorce papers. The mutual kicked me out a month later because his dog destroyed my computer that was brand new and I couldn’t stay calm (and I refused to give up my MMJ and cigarettes). My family couldn’t offer me safety, the shelters were full, so I called you. Because then I knew where you were. And you couldn’t hurt me, and if you did, everyone else knew who I was with.
You told me you loved me. I told you I still loved you too and always would, but the damage was too great to be fixed.
That was the last conversation we had before I left.
Two months later, unable to find my shoes, you texted me that you had them and I had left them on purpose (I had not). I told you to throw them away.
A month after that, Becca made me go to coffee and told me to stop having feelings about what happened between us. About you. I told her I just wanted you to be happy - but I was not going to be able to just snap my fingers and stop loving you. I had loved you for 7 years.
A month later, the divorce party invite was sent to me. I declined. That’s where you and A got engaged.
I left shortly after that. Ran away, again, because being nearby and seeing you with my clone was far too painful.
Didn’t tell anyone in November that I was back. That’s when I saw the two of them at the extended stay motel across from the one your sister used to work at. I emailed you immediately, because I had meant what I said: I didn’t want you to be treated like shit and I figured it was the right thing to do. Went outside to smoke and she came tearing outside, screaming into the phone that she was at Becca’s and I was a lying psycho bitch.
Until the ultrasound that confirmed that weekend being the weekend of conception, I didn’t contact you.
I moved on. But that ultrasound hurt because I literally miscarried your child and almost died then you threatened my life but you could give her everything you promised me even though you knew she was cheating and I never would have done that to you. After that, both of you started monitoring and harassing my socials and I went to great lengths to defend myself -AND- hide because I wanted to forget I loved you at all.
I started my own family. With someone I can love and trust (I thought)… but the past decade has been nothing but pain and growth - and recently I reached out to ask you to make the hacking and stalking and watching me stop. Because I lost everything, over and over again. My counseling was not private. My cameras were monitored. My emails and socials hacked and watched. You showing up outside my home daily again like you had just over a decade ago. You let her bully me, make false claims that were anything but true… someone broke in and was in here while I was home alone, reading my allergy testing paperwork and a week later a deadly allergen appeared on my stoop inside of a box from the phone company you had her start working for to track me (making her convinced it was me this entire time causing issues - when it had been you)
You claimed to know nothing, then sent Casey my way. Realizing that didn’t work, anymore at least, you went back to using a social profile that’s from the first time I ever blocked you to watch my socials - but I’ve provided you my direct contact information. It’s as easy as one last conversation to settle the dust, and if you get curious just ASKING ME DIRECTLY.
I’m sorry for overreacting in my youth, but I’m not sorry for the boundaries I maintained after you’d broken my walls down at the end of 2012. I’m not sorry for standing up for myself and telling you there would be a court order if she didn’t stop. I’m not sorry for documenting all of the insanity.
I’m, at this point, only sorry that you’ll never be man enough to reach out or show up to clarify all of this directly with me. And I’m honestly sorry that I ever allowed you to behave so poorly and maintain the level of love I one time had for you.
I’m also super sorry we ever blurred the lines again in January of 2014.
But I’m not sorry I loved you. I pity you for how blinded you’ve been by your own misconceptions and inabilities to rationally communicate after I caught her cheating on you and she banned us from communicating.
I’d say I hoped things got better for you, but as you’re still at it monitoring me instead of communicating directly (and obviously having to hide that fact from your own self fulfilling prophecy of “marrying a psycho bitch”) - I take it the look we exchanged two years ago now, in passing, said more than you ever will.
If you ever find a way, or a will, I’ll gladly discuss all of this with you - all emotions removed except the one where I love you enough to want to offer you healing and understanding so you can lay the misconceptions and burdens down. I’d still be your friend, but I recognize that your own toxic behaviors and smear campaigns against me in a futile effort to refuse accountability for the ways you destroyed me and any hope for us are your own undoing.
I love you, Benjamin. You know this. I know this. The world knows this. We just weren’t destined to be what either of us ebbed toward and flowed away from in the decade you were everything to me. I hope one day you heal that space so you never have to come face to face with the ways you behaved in our youth in any of your daughter’s future partners. Or even in your own.
You may have been hurting and projecting onto me. I get that. And I was hurting and traumatized and struggled to trust you.
Bottom line is we both fucked up. But, life has afforded us ways to heal for the people we do have now. I hope you’re willing to lay down the battle axe and settle this. No romantic anything attached anymore. I just avoid you and yet adore your tenacity and intelligence. I miss your friendship, but, not enough to allow you to continue to creep and not call you out for it. And if you managed to work with K on this all… well, you’ve gotten the texts. You know how I feel.
Be well. I’m easy to find and ready to settle all of this for the rest of eternity if you can open to the reality instead of your delusions about what was.
All my best, TC
(P.S. the initial black gold ring with skulls and pink diamonds she pulled the design for from my Pinterest board I started after you and I discussed marriage eons ago.)