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Memory Transcription Subject: Hileen, Krakotl Fugitive Recovery Agent
Date [standardized human time]: November 28th, 2136
It'd been a while since I sat in Marlig's office for a talk face-to-face. Given the agency's secluded location at the edge of the downtown region, it was a chore to drop by when it wasn't for business, but I'd deemed the matter at hand to be worth my time.
I passed by Nampi at her desk on my way to the door and she gave me a coy glare as I carried on. Trying to ignore her risible ear waggle, I turned the corner to the door with my boss’s name painted on the glass panel where I could hear the frantic crumpling of paper.
Quietly, I entered Marlig's office without prompt as I knew he hated to be spooked by knocking. My mentor was surprisingly spry for a bird at his age, sorting through papers with one wing and an eye while using his talons with the other to set away the papers he had splayed out.
“Hileen!” he chirped. “Glad you could make it in today. I was just finishing up my paperwork. Take a seat.”
It was always nice to hear him drop the professional motif for a more grandfatherly attitude when speaking in person. I did as he suggested and took a seat while he grumbled to himself over the sorting. My eye caught a few of the old contracts he was rifling through and saw that some dated back to his days as an agent.
Eventually, he left some sitting out as he sequestered the rest back into their files, sorted by a dichotomy that only he and Nampi could comprehend fully. He motioned with a wing for me to peruse and I turned the first one to face me to find it was my first contract, signed by me in a sloppy fashion. “This takes me back a couple of years.”
“Slick bastard thought he could get away on a forklift but you showed him! Certainly more exciting than my first day!”
“Mm-hmm. And it was when I nearly got impaled that you had the idea to commission all of us utility vests.”
He chuckled, “I really should’ve done so sooner. Cuts and scratches were already a risk, but a forklift was a new one!”
I flipped through the pages of each report, finding that Marlig's notes were filled with praises of my work. There were highs and lows, but I was flattered to find that the grizzled krakotl held my performance in such high regard.
“Flawless interception!” read one footnote about me catching a runner. “Couldn't have done it better myself!”
Marlig waited patiently as I browsed quickly through each page, realizing more and more how the notes also marked improvements in my work. How I found it easier to talk down a rowdy client, or apprehend them in the case that they were beyond helping on my part. Flowery language plastered most pages with him fawning over my work as a doting father would to his prodigal child.
The trend took a sharp turn as the notes became fewer and more critical the closer the dates reached to the present. I brushed the others aside with a wing to peruse the final paper. “And this…”
“Is Tac. Your latest contract. The most recent in a line of declining performance since the interview. This has become a pattern, Hileen, and its consequences are beginning to reach beyond yourself. Paji and Vesek resigned recently for personal reasons, which leaves us even less hands on deck than before. That's four people to cover the entire municipal region, and maybe even beyond, should needs arise. Three, if we include this little probation I have you on.”
“What was I supposed to do? Marlig, these ‘jobs’ you've got us working on overstep the contracts we were signed on with. Our job is to make sure people obey their court-mandated duties, not drag them off to the facilities ourselves!”
“... So the trip we took to the facilities did bother you.”
A sigh clicked in my throat as he reminded me. “Is that what happens to the people we take in, Marlig? Is that what would've happened to your wife?”
His feathers ruffled.
“That's what happens to those who are too dangerous to the general public to be left roaming free. Not everyone we deal with winds up there, but everyone can be subject to it. Miskela sued for her exoneration and proved in court that she was not diseased. I brought you there to show you how it helps the people, but I see now that it was a mistake. I understand why you were so perturbed, really, but it's how things have been for centuries. It's how we've protected ourselves from the dangers out there.”
“You were willing to let Barsul be interned there, too.”
Marlig flinched and sighed as he swept the papers towards himself once I'd signaled I was done. He turned one eye to me while he sorted them.
“There's no room for favoritism, girl. I negotiated for him to be allowed to walk free, and look where that got me. That boy - your neighbor - suffered the consequences of my nepotism. So too would the girl, had nobody intervened.”
“Like Richard.”
“The human, yes. Or you. Or the police. Where does this sudden obsession with humans come from, anyway? I get notifications of you talking about the acceptance of them all the time on forums.”
“Does it even need explaining?”
“Well, I guess not, no, but it's certainly an about-face from the way you used to talk about them with me beforehand.”
“People can change, for better or worse. Which one I fall under remains to be seen.”
Marlig stroked at the plumage on his neck as he finished his sorting. “I hope it's the former, for your sake. Was there any reason you came to talk, or were you just checking that I hadn't gone senile?”
“Well, I was hoping to borrow your secretary for the evening.”
He perked up while his eyes narrowed and he laced his fingers together with curiosity. “You… want to spend an evening with Nampi?”
“It's not what you're insinuating, but yes.”
“I was insinuating nothing,” he warbled coyly. “Go ahead and take her, and make sure to split the bill at dinner.”
“Pain-in-the-ass geezer. I'll keep in touch if your friend causes any more trouble.”
“Keep in touch regardless. Miskela and I get lonely in our old age,” he called back. “Take care.”
I stepped out into the hallway and turned toward the desk where I could hear the secretary's claws tapping furtively at her keyboard. Nampi sat silently with her ears and tail in a relaxed position that implied a bored demeanor. There was barely any response as I stood before her, waiting politely for her acknowledgment that never came.
Hesitantly, I cleared my throat.
An ear raised in acknowledgement, but her focus remained on the screen of her computer. “Mhm?”
“Do you…?”
Her ear rotated toward me, though she still maintained a passive attitude as she continued to glare mindlessly at the monitor.
“Are you free this evening?”
“Well, I'm quite booked, I believe. Why do you ask?”
I was surprised at her curt, dry tone. She hadn't spoken with me like this since we first got to know one another.
“Well,” I started. “I realized something. Every time we went out, whether it was clubbing, or dinner, or even walking around the parks, you always footed the bill. And so…”
Slowly, her other ear perked up and I saw her keystrokes slow down as she listened in.
“I wanted to return the favor?”
Her lips smacked as she opened her mouth, though paused before she spoke. “How could you possibly do that?”
“With a little gesture of friendship.”
Nampi's horizontal pupil turned up toward me and her tail twitched.
I continued, “So that belt you're wearing? It's the same belt you've worn since we first met. And I know you're the pragmatic type who'd never spend a credit more than she needs to, except for all the times you do"- her ears twitched in indignance -"I wanted to see about getting you a little something… extra?”
Her paws raised from the keyboard and she leaned in, resting her snout on her palms. “Go on.”
The bubbly venlil's tail sold out her collected facade as it twitched with anticipation. She was cornered and she didn't even know it yet.
“Well, I found just the place on the other side of town where we can start. It's a place almost as rich and indulgent as yourself.”
“The Platinum Paw? I mean3”
Her ears folded back in embarrassment as she cracked. She wasn't cut out for acting anyway.
“So that's what it's called! Jeez, I couldn't for the life of me figure out what it was called. Now what do you say? We go over there and find you something nice—”
I hadn’t even finished my thought before Nampi had grabbed her bag and was out the door, giving me a playful tail flick that said come and get me.

The place I suggested was in a shopping center on the opposite side of town, though easily accessible because of its proximity to the transport rails. Nampi had insisted on grabbing something to eat beforehand and so now gleefully bit into a bundle of stalks that had been “grilled” as explained from the food truck we'd stopped at.
Her tail flicked back and forth with her usual enthusiasm as we entered the massive complex of stores. The roofless plan allowed the natural, orange sun to flood the upper levels while artificial lighting illuminated the ground level wherever the light couldn't reach.
The place was built in the last decade by the previous City Magister in a bid for popularity, though ultimately for naught as he would lose the vote following a scandal involving an iftali priestess and a carved bar of soap. I had to say that despite being sick in the head, he sure had a great sense of decor.
Nampi snacked away, joining me in admiring the scenery as we continued to the place I’d planned out for us. Aimless chatter all melded together into a single, thrumming murmur as pedestrians navigated the many levels and stores offered in the place.
A troupe of children passed by us, held in a chain of tails and arms as they were escorted by a pair of venlil who I assumed were students and teachers on a school trip. I caught a whiff of a sweet, aromatic breeze and found it to come from a perfume shop on the same level as us; naturally, venlil were not to be found inside.
We passed a fountain where a couple sat on the edge, their tails twined together as they giggled and flirted. I turned and caught Nampi watching them as well, though she awkwardly returned to sucking the remains of her meal from her claws when we made eye contact. Her ears lifted when I raised a wing to signal to the store we were going to stop at first.
“Platinum Paw, The Greatest Fashion Emporium For Everyone!”
The title alone was painfully cliche, taken to the tenth power by the brightly lit store taking up three department slots. Despite the flashy exterior, though, it was the best place to shop for belts, brooches, and bracelets alike. Customers who looked like they earned my yearly salary in a week browsed the higher end brands while I brought my friend to the section I wanted to show her.
Her ears were held up as we stood together next to a shelf chock full of fashionable bags and bandoliers of every variety.
“Pick one,” I told her.
Nampi's ears shot to a straight pose in surprise, “Any?”
“Within reason. I've got a few extra credits to blow and I know nobody better to spend it on.”
With an inviting headtilt, I let Nampi peruse the shelves at her leisure. Her lips pursed together and her tail flicked with glee as she fingered at every piece that caught her eye. I chuckled at her outburst of enthusiasm while turning to find my own items to gloss over.
A breeze from outside nipped at my beak while I considered what I’d like to purchase. The place dripped with an atmosphere of faux hospitality, from the bright blue-stained floorboards to the radio prattling off advertisements in a sickeningly sweet tone to the faint, fruity aroma of scented cleaner. It was oppressive as only a fissan-owned company could be to the senses.
What I wouldn’t pay to see how a human would fare in such an environment.
I knew they were social creatures at least, but I had no doubt that the predatory senses of a human, so honed to hunting, would get overstimulated in this center of gaudy indulgence. Knowing I was something of a predator myself made me sympathize provided that even I had to squint to keep the pale lights inside from searing my eyes. I could only imagine how the arboreal eyes of a Terran would fare. I was so lost in thought imagining how lost the Terrans would be that I could almost ignore the obnoxious giggling and metallic rattling coming from behind me.
Risking a peek at the source, into my sight came a pair of venlil, one a male carrying a pair of bags as well as a couple more strapped to his belt. The bored expression in his eyes was not one of a man who was in high spirits. The other venlil was a woman who was the source of the noise.
Her mottled gray pelt was accented by a tasteful belt design, free of almost any practical functions but not flashy or excessive in garnishment either. At least, that’s what I would say, were it not for the braid of beads that dangled on the belt, jingling with each bounce of the lively woman’s stride. It was clear that such a gaudy accessory was intended to draw attention to her, though why was a mystery. Certainly, the shiny braids seemed designed as decoration first and practical second.
She turned about and I faced back to my browsing before she could catch me staring. Nampi was nowhere in sight, though I figured she was somewhere behind the shelf, sifting through every accessory on the section I'd suggested.
Clink.
Something pelted to my immediate right. I tilted my head to spot a tree nut shell clattering to the floor. Without being able to guess where it came from, I had to wonder what could've launched it over this way. Even with my keen eyesight, nobody in the crowd seemed to be a suspect.
Clink.
Another shell pelted my vicinity, ricocheting off of the floor and hitting the shelf I was standing next to. I ruffled my feathers in frustration - clearly, someone was trying to get my attention, though I couldn't make out who it was. Out of the corner of my vision, the woman from before eyed me curiously as I looked about, though I wasn't interested in engaging with her.
Thwack.
One more shell came flying and, unfortunately, the aim on this one was true, nailing me on the beak. Irritated, I stormed out of the store to find the source of the instigator. I scanned over the bodies to find anyone who could've been responsible for this indignity, eventually concluding that it came from the dining area across the walkway.
Whoever was responsible was in for an earful and I was already structuring which of the offender's family members would be acceptable as fodder for stray words. As I approached, I found the tables were mostly empty save for one, which made my heart begin to drop as I met eyes with the only occupant. Suddenly, I was much less inclined to hurl insults.
“Oh, hi there!” Qitel called out in a sickly sweet tone. “Come, take a seat! We have much to discuss!”
The Exterminator clutched a bag of tree nuts in his claws, a pile of discarded shells already gathered on the table next to him. He grabbed another as I approached, effortlessly prying the shell in half between two claws and tossed the contents into his mouth. “Good protein, these,” he commented as I sat down.
“Must be for that good arm you've got there,” I mumbled. I caught sight of a couple of bags beneath his chair, seemingly from one of the tech stores contained within the center.
“Bah, it's guesswork. So how are you? I haven't heard from you since we worked together!”
“I was just spending time with a friend, shopping and enjoying my time off.”
“Your time off? Oh, am I interrupting something?”
His snide tone irked me, though now wasn’t the time for interjections. “You are, Qitel,” I replied with no shortage of vitriol in my tone. “But I see no harm in chatting for a bit.”
“Good, because I have some merchandise”- he reached into his belt pocket and deposited a couple of items onto the table -“and you’re just the person to look into it, human sympathizer.”
I drew a terse breath in shock, but my worries were quelled when I considered that if Qitel had the power to do anything about it, he would’ve done so instead of approaching me so discreetly. A glance down at the item on the table showed that he was presenting what looked to be a tracker as well as a personal drive. “Found in the garbage,” he told me.
“The guild resorts to dumpster diving when they already have such a bloated budget now?”
“No, featherbrain, I have decided to keep this for myself. These items were found together, sealed in a plastic pouch, and placed in a garbage bin. The city has bans against electronics being placed into public bins, and so I was curious why this wound up in there. Managed to get my coworker, a techie, to crack it open and…”
Qitel reached into his belt again, glowering at me with the same condescending gaze he’d given me when I first saw his face. He seemed to revel in digging for the item as slowly as possible to waste my time. Finally, he found whatever he was looking for and revealed it as a printed piece of paper, folded into eighths. The snobby yotul threw the unfurled paper on the table and rolled it toward me.
I craned my neck to look at the parchment, though I was immediately perplexed by the text on it; it appeared to be some sort of form, going by the boxes with words on the inside, followed by blank lines. “Found on the drive, here,” Qitel told me, jabbing a claw to the storage. “Translator shows it as Terran writing.”
Drawing my holopad from my satchel, I held it over the paper with the translator to get an understanding. Surely enough, the language on it came up positive as a variant of Terran writing and I was affirmed in it being a form of some sort based on the wording of the text. The boxes seemed like an odd sort of job application, asking for the typical name, contacts, and prior work experiences, but quickly took a strange turn as it began asking for where their home on Earth was prior to arrival, what family they had on Venlil Prime if any, and where they worked, implying that they were seeking individuals who were already employed.
I knew little about human employment methods, but I didn’t imagine that sourcing individuals from other jobs was the most efficient way to gain a workforce. Terran service industries already dotted the planet while many humans also found work in local environments. So what was the angle that the creator of this application was going for?
Most concerningly was that the paper had no insignia, identifying marks, or noted address to return the form to. “And where did you find it again?”
“In the garbage, alongside this intact tracker that was activated at the time of recovery. Y’know, when I was dumpster diving. Text on the document showed it was addressed to one ‘Choctaw Nexus’.”
“A pseudonym of some sort?”
“Clearly. Short sorting through the archives shows the first name traces back to the group out east - perhaps you've heard about them. How the name and the items we have here are connected is beyond my understanding, but-”
“Well, this has been an absolutely riveting discussion about your collection of trash, Qitel,” I told him as I stood up to leave. “But this really sounds like an issue to be resolved by your fellow guildsmen.”
The sound of another shell splitting rang out as I turned away.
“I'm not through talking with you, predator.”
The sting as a piece nailed me in the back of the head prompted me to whirl back around, sticking my beak in the insolent yotul's snout. “Perhaps you've forgotten, little man,” I cooed in an equally bittersweet tone to the one he gave me before. “The krakotl never had a problem with settling issues the old-fashioned way before the interview. Try me and find out why I'm in the line of work I am.”
“Oh, we wouldn't want that in such a"- he waved his paw to a group of passersby who had stopped to gawk at my display -”public forum. Please, contain yourself.”
I had to force the feathers on my back to settle and I raised my head away from him. “What else is it you wanted, then?”
“Well, I'd appreciate if you took this merchandise off my paws,” he told me as he brushed the electronics and printout toward me.
“Why would I do that?”
“Because you're closer to the humans than I'd ever care to be, and may be able to find out who this Choctaw Nexus is. Something about the package just feels… off. And I know when to trust my feelings. Besides, we both know that you know where Tac is, don't we?”
“I don't-”
“We have videographic evidence that you conspired with a human - of the aforementioned squatters, no less - and let the kid escape. You're not as sneaky as you think, and if we find this ‘Choctaw Nexus’ turns out to be a bad actor that can be traced back to them - and by extension, you - well, there’d be no talking down my boss from having you dealt with. By helping me find out who this is, you may yet be able to clear your name of any wrongdoing.”
I clenched my beak tightly to maintain a straight face. Qitel stood up with a flourish and discarded the bag he was carrying in a bin.
“See, the krakotl were never special for using threats and bullying to get results. It's because you were good at killing predators,” he jeered. “Now, if you don't mind, this primitive has appointments to attend to… old lady who got trampled courtesy of the humans and all. You stay out of trouble, Hileen, and stay in touch.”
The self-assured marsupial melded into the crowd in a matter of seconds, leaving me with a table containing dumpster trophies and a pile of shells. Reluctantly, I swept the shells into my wing and dumped them into the bin before gathering the other two items he'd left me and stuffing them into my bag. I'd been gone from Nampi long enough and she would notice my absence before long.
Crossing the walkway again, I could spot from where I stood that Nampi was indeed still in the Platinum Paw. I approached, and soon I found that while she didn't seem to have noticed me stepping away, she was definitely in a soured mood based on the sagging of her ears and tail. With my talons clacking on the floorboards, I hustled to her side and her mood chippered up ever so slightly as she heard me approach.
I chimed in, “Find anything?”
“Everything. I want everything, Red, and I can't decide on what I want. They all just look so great!”
From behind, a voice called out, “Nampi!”
We both jumped at the exclamation and turned about to spot the venlil lady I'd seen before spring from behind the shelf. The man poked his head from behind the shelf too, though less enthusiastically and with yet another bag in his clutches. My friend's eyes widened in surprise with her tail and ears perking up in kind. With a light in her eyes, she exclaimed, “Nalek!”
The two embraced with shrill squeals and laughter as Nalek's accompaniment and I traded awkward glances.
“It's been too long!”
“You never stayed in contact!”
The women exchanged giddy greetings and the pompous stranger turned to me, leering over me as though she was sizing me up.
“Who's your friend here?”
“Oh she's actually my-...”
Nampi paused for a moment, looking back to me.
“Yeah, she's a friend.”
“A friend,” Nalek repeated while her eyes flicked between Nampi and I. “Right.”
Somehow, I get the impression that that was judgemental.
“I'm Hileen, by the way,” I chirped, “if names are to be exchanged.”
“Hileen, that's a lovely name! And such plumage to match, it's a wonder you aren't swarmed by suitors!”
Internally, I groaned at the notion. The idea of being approached by someone to state their interest in me made me queasy, to say the least. Thankfully, I never had that issue growing up as most of the other drakes in school were too busy chasing girls who didn't have a lousy pigmentation mutation such as myself.
“I'm flattered,” I told Nalek before turning to the man whose name had yet to be introduced. “May we get your name?”
“Sask.”
His response was succinct and tonally flat, though there was a brief silence as I expected him to elaborate. Nalek's beads jingled as she lashed him on the calf with her tail.
“I'm Sask, Nalek's fiancée,” he added, throwing her a look to see if she was satisfied.
Nampi gasped with her paws over her snout. “Fiancée! Nalek, you're getting married and you never even told me!”
“Well, I felt a little guilty since it technically broke our pact we made when we were pups. You remember that?”
“Of course! Why wouldn’t I? ‘Let she who bonds through betrothal first be cast out unto the world for all to admonish her!’”
Sask and I both gave inquisitive expressions. “You two spoke like that as pups?” Sask asked.
“Well, I'm paraphrasing,” Nampi admitted with a playful ear waggle. “But you get the gist.”
“Indeed, they do, sweet Nampi. Now, may I ask what you're doing bringing your avian friend here into this store on this fine claw?”
“Oh, no no, she's the one treating me! Isn't that right, Red?”
I saw her tail twitch and was sure it took restraint not to tickle my neck with it as we stood before her old friend.
“She's been a good friend,” I explained. “So I wanted to reverse the roles for once and treat her to something myself.”
Nampi skipped over to me and wrapped her arm around me, glancing back to her old friend. “See? We'd all be so lucky to have a… friend like her.”
“So I've witnessed. But perhaps you're a bit stuck, as I've seen you prancing up and down these aisles for a while, no? Maybe you don't know what you want?”
“Nalek, you know I've never been good about making my mind up.”
“Some things never change, you ditz. Tell you what: you and Sask go find us a seat and we can catch up all we'd like when we're not taking up aisle space, yes? So shoo! I'll help Hileen here pick one out for you!”
With a bored grunt, Sask made off with the goods he had strapped to himself, followed by Nampi who gave me one more playful tail flick before dashing off into the crowd. I looked back to the mottled snout of Nalek who watched her friend wander off with a wistful glance.
“She was my first, you know.”
“Your what now.”
“Love. Way back when we were growing from pups into young adults back in private education, we explored much together. We saw each other through a lot, including the less savory parts of finding a mate. When Nampi realized it wasn't the boys she was into, she turned to me, and I offered my hand as her stalwart companion… to a point.”
“You weren't interested in her the same way?”
“I'd grown up seeing her as a sister of sorts, so ultimately, when we split it off, we stayed close as friends and she never seemed to be bothered by it. She struggled to find others in school who had the same interests as herself, but she never fussed about it.”
Nalek's claws browsed over a set of pouched bandoliers made with intricate embroidering. “Have you two… spent the night together? Alone?”
Spiritually, I reeled from the inquiry. The whiplash from that question was equitable to being smacked by a human. “Wha- why? How's that pertinent to the subject at hand?”
“That sounds like a ‘yes’ to me,” she purred with a smug glance my way.
I didn't need to begin to list the different ways such a question was violating to our privacy, and yet this woman was treating it like a game.
“Not really your concern, ma'am.”
Nalek chuckled as she picked out one of the bandoliers and inspected it with her claws. “I'd like to think that she and I still have that old connection, despite everything. And to that end, I know that she's no slag and doesn't trust easy. To see her be so vulnerable around you and to talk so highly of someone who's clearly below her income level as a predator…”
She stretched the bandolier out to appreciate the design in its entirety.
“Well, that's something special. Here"- she foisted the accessory into my wings as I stood gobsmacked -"this just screams her name.”
“This is, like, double my budget.”
“Love don't come cheap, darling. You wanna see good things happen, sometimes you've gotta step out of your comfort zone and grasp for it!”
“I'm being lectured by a rich woman on finances.”
“It's a philosophy that goes beyond money, ‘Red.’ The humans have a saying, in their horrendously predatory nomenclature, that contains a kernel of truth: ‘you miss every shot you don't take’.”
Yep, that's definitely a human phrase.
Nalek's steely braid rattled with every flick of the tail as we proceeded through the checkout.
“You want things to change between you and her?” she continued. “Don't just wait for it to happen.”
She let the conversation rest there as we finished the purchase, possibly to let me recuperate mentally from the damage done to my account. Outside, we found our respective partners sitting at a table with Sask looking up in boredom as Nampi chatted away, though she immediately shut up and turned to me with excited flicks of her tail as she saw what I was carrying.
I held it toward her and she happily shot to her feet, effortlessly removing the tags with her claws and clipping it to her belt. Nalek clapped and waggled her tail as the giddy lady did a whirl about to let us admire the accessory. While I'd have preferred one with pockets to give it a more practical use, I decided to let Nalek have the victory as our mutual friend clearly enjoyed it.
The rest of the paw was a blur as the two friends chatted without end until Sask eventually reminded his betrothed that they had a schedule to attend to. Though Nalek offered to call us a taxi home as a gesture of kindness, I saw through her ruse to determine that she was trying to pull a fast one on me - the clever ear flick she gave as we boarded the automated vehicle sold it for me.
We sat in the seats as the vehicle took the express ride home.
Nampi cleared her throat before she spoke, “Thank you for taking some time to spend with me, I know you've had a lot less free time as of late.”
“It's a prison of my own design, if I must be honest. A feedback loop of working a job that doesn't guarantee a paycheck to pay for rent that keeps going up, and thus needing to work more.”
The venlil giggled and chided me, “You really should've stayed in university.”
“There's a lotta 'should haves’ that've led me to this point. No use wondering what could have been.”
“There's always a use for wondering what could have been, Hileen.”
She wrapped an arm around my shoulder.
“Every decision I make, I always wonder what I could've done differently that it'd have turned out better,” she explained as she waved her free paw to the sky. “It's how you grow as a person, Red.”
Her silky pelt felt heavenly in contrast to the chilly air from outside, making it hard to let her words sink in.
“You rich types seem chock full of philosophy. I wonder if I'll become a brooding orator when I get some cash to my name.”
The cab filled with laughter as we veered around the final corner to my neighborhood, as it was the closest stop. The door popped open accompanied by a chime from the drone, signaling for me to depart.
But before my talons could even hit the pavement, I felt Nampi's scrawny arms wrap around my waist and she let out a pitiful mewl again.
“You don't need to get off here,” she told me with a pouty expression. “We can spend the rest of the paw at my place.”
“I'd love it, but I need to water my plants and get the month's bills sorted before they're due. Again.”
One claw at a time, I plucked her paws from around my waist and the childish venlil conceded, giving me another ear waggle as I departed. “I'll see you tomorrow?” I asked her.
“If you still have eyes by then, then you can bet your ass!”
“I still don't gamble.”
“You'll come around to it eventually.”
I shut the door to the taxi and watched as it carted away the one venlil who I ever truly felt on the same wavelength as. Fiddling with the lock felt like more of a chore than usual at this time as I felt a little voice tugging at the back of my head.
“You miss every shot you don't take.”
The lock felt jammed as I began to jiggle it more vigorously with the electric key. Either the RFID or NFC readers were messed up, as the lock refused to accept my key. I looked up and down the street, though Nampi was now long gone for me to rescind my earlier rejection.
“Every decision I make, I wonder what I could've done differently.”
The door rattled as I grew more and more infuriated with the lock. Qitel's smug expression as he threatened me so boldly in public played back in my head, and I wondered what would've happened had I decided to go through with insulting his mother. Better yet, I wondered what could've been had I not backed down in the face of his unflinching confidence.
Bzzt. The lock rejected my key again.
“Raagh! You fucking useless hunk of junk!”
I squawked in anger and kicked against the door, careless of the consequences of having Markol back down here to admonish another of his tenants for causing a ruckus. The walls were surprisingly sturdy for how ineffective the venlil architecture looked on the surface and I reeled back in pain as my leg throbbed.
Click.
I looked to my left to see that it wasn't my door that came open, but that of the twins. The door cracked open ever so slightly, no doubt nudged by the force of my tirade and I sighed. Nobody was expected to be home at this time, with Vili being away and Luka leaving early to get a head start.
Luka had been given a stern talking-to by the landlord for allowing one of those cats into his apartment through neglect, and I was disappointed that he seemed to have not learned his lesson this time. In fact, it seemed he hadn't even thought to lock the door this time.
I took it upon myself to shut the door for him before turning back to my own apartment door. Grasping the key with one talon, I turned it ever so gently, though the lock still refused to give in.
With a bit more force, the torsion applied to the key felt as though it should've snapped it by now. Markol sure didn't waste any expense for the security for this place, doubtlessly as a result of his history in electronic security, but I wished now that he had provided a way in that didn't rely on privately sourced locks.
Considering my options as I stood trapped outside, I realized that I had never gotten around to paying for a new lock for Tadi. I'd considered contacting her to inform her that Tac had made it out of town safely, but that'd involve also telling her that her son was now in the care of humans, as if that was a better outcome to her.
Stepping out front, I realized that there was one more option I hadn't considered: my window. I usually forgot to lock it after I was through letting air circulate and I was silently grateful to myself for this absentmindedness now more than ever. Sticking a foot on the threshold, I lifted myself in a way that'd allow me to have leverage to force the window open.
The window made me fight for every inch, but I felt a strange satisfaction as it slowly opened up into an entrance that I could squeeze my way through. I let out a sigh as my talons clicked against the cool floor and slid the window shut.
I laid my satchel on the couch and turned back to the door, ready to unleash my fury on the disobedient object. But as I reached for the lock to manually open the door, I noted that the lights on the RFID interface both flashed at once, blinking erratically. Red and green flickered without rhyme or reason, indicating that it was both active and inactive.
As pretty as the colors were, I now knew that Markol's locks were not as reliable as he had touted them about: typically, such would not occur unless the device was damaged deliberately, and yet nothing indicated that I'd had uninvited guests. One could pray that those cats didn't secretly know how to cobble together an ECM jammer, but my personal wager was on faulty equipment.
Settling in, I browsed my favorite soaps on the television. For what was intended to be a day of relaxation and show of affection for a friend, I found myself rather wound up over all the things that added up. Couples threw around flowery words and swooned over one another on screen as I felt the tension diffuse. My holopad rang and I turned it over to spot that Nampi was informing me that she'd arrived home safely.
>>> Feels empty here, all alone.
She made sure to drive the point home with a sticker of a venlil making a pouty expression.
Next time, I thought to myself, I'll get it right for you, Nampi.
[ First / Previous ]

i just need to get this out of my chest.
i'm tired. it's been 4 months (i know for a lot of ur pain and experience it's nothing, but with my prognosis i feel like it's eternity) after my 2 AP attacks which were within 1 week back then and to add to that i had gastritis at the same time. everyday pain like pressure and stabbing, mainly in the morning and after eating, sometimes cramps, primary in pancreas and gallbladder area where i feel discomfort 24/7 btw from the day no.1 but my whole stomach is very sensitive now and i'm bloated all the time. Day to day i feel like imma trow up. extreme fatigue, my whole body hurts, muscles, joints and bones too. probably because i eat like 1000kcal and max 36g of fat a day, if i eat more pain is back in the town yay. hah and funny thing no gluten, no lactose, no to a looot of things for me, my body don't tolerate it very well. for example today i tried small banana, boom stabbing pain (not the pain like i'm about to die but still not pleasant AT ALL) so only fruit i have eaten is compote peach, it's my savior fr.
I found new GI specialist in private clinic, for europe countries it's a little bit pricey thing, she done another round of tests (thank god) and i'm waiting and waiting and i'm loosing my mind from it. So far i have diagnosis from other doctors for AP + reflux gastritis + lot of gall in gallblader + 2 small polyps in gallbladder and pancreas divisum. New GI told me that it surely can't be problematic divisum, she would go the way it is IBD or Sibo (which i understad, she needs to cover up "basics") and even tho she was professional and kind, i thing that she thinks it's in my head probably.. like my boyfriend, my family his family thinks too. my pain is real. i'm frustrated that i have to advocate for myself in this context.
on the other hand, except for my mental condition i have anxiety about other things. i'm still out of work. at this point i'm looking for something new, less stressful and physical, which ironically makes me more stressed now. probably because i'm going to new enviroment and collective but mainly it's because it'll be so hard financially. And also my career will go downhill. Also with my bf of 5 years we are considering to split up. we love eachother, but i feel like my health state wears him out and makes him depressed which i don't want at all, he would like to help me sonehow but he don't know what to do so it makes him feel desperate and also the financal state of things, we are renting a place together for 3 years, we were splitting bills and buying stuff together, we have a cat... what we'll do in future?! i do not know. my mental state is getting bad again after quite calm few years, but now i'm st my lowest maybe ever? idk. i don't even know if i should post this. i would probably rather scream this out loud but it's 2:18am here, so no good idea.
thanks for yout time it you made it here and maybe my whole point of this nonsence monolouge of post is that PANCREATITIS SUCKS! hope everyone well. that's all thanks.
sorry for my bad english, it's not my mother tounge.

As the title says, I’m experiencing a lot of tightness in the back of my knee, I would maybe say specifically my tendons and mainly my inside. I had an ACL and meniscus repair surgery about 6 weeks ago. Flexion is getting to be a very painful task to the point of tears. I’ve tried the stretches, they work to a point, (heel slide, letting leg hang, etc) but it always gets tight again… I’ve also tried stretching calf muscle and quad muscle, it doesn’t help much.
This tightness is different from the “normal” tightness, where you’d usually feel it actually stretching.
I just need advice, I’ll be asking my PT as well, but that’s all the way to Wednesday and I’d rather start taking care of the problem now

Hello bibliophiles of bangtan!
It has been an insane month but who’s complaining? May has almost passed us by and that means only one thing. Jin is almost home! We’re at D-23 days so well done, army spouses! But before that, RPWP drops on 24 May so let’s gear up to support our dear bookworm!
How are you all finding the time to read our May book on top of everything that’s happening? It’s a feat and the dedication is real! Having said that, I know we’re all itching to discuss The Midnight Library so let’s get to it!

’The Midnight Library' by Matt Haig

When Nora Seed finds herself in the Midnight Library, she has a chance to make things right. Up until now, her life has been full of misery and regret. She feels she has let everyone down, including herself. But things are about to change. A book on the many lives a person could have led, Namjoon was seen recommending this book in In the Soop Season 2.

Come sit, let’s talk

Below is a discussion guide. Some book-specific questions and other sharing suggestions!

• What were some of the ideas or instances that you liked from The Midnight Library?
• Upon walking into The Midnight Library and finding out what it is and how it works, Mrs. Elm asks Nora what she would have done differently to address her regrets. Is this something you have thought about as well?
• No matter the reality, Nora realizes that the good also comes with the bad. What is the author trying to tell us?
• What do you think were Nora’s worst and best plots?
• I couldn’t not ask this question - did reading this book affect you in any way when you watched the music video for Come Back To Me? Did it give you a different perspective?
• In both the book and the music video, there is a guiding figure who helps the protagonist come to terms with and accept themselves for who they are. What are your thoughts on this?

B-Side Questions/Discussion Suggestions

• Fan Chant: Hype/overall reviews
• Ments: Favorite quotes
• ARMY Time: playlist/recommendations of songs you associate with the book/chapters/characters
• Do The Wave: sentiments, feels, realizations based on the book
• Encore/Post Club-read Depression Prevention: something the book club can do afterwards (on your own leisure time) to help feel less sad after reading.

ㅠㅠ (Credit Roll) but no fear, we’ll be back again

It’s always so much fun chatting with all of you and we’ll be sure to be back for the next Books With Luv selection. But before we head to that, we’d like to let y’all know that we’ll be taking a break for the month of June. We’ve not had any announcements yet but with Jin returning and Festa in June, we thought it might be a good time for a breather. Fret not and look forward to July!
If you have any questions or concerns regarding the book or the thread, feel free to tag me or any of the mods or BWL Volunteers.
with luv,

• u/EveryCliche
• u/mucho_thankyou5802
• u/munisme
• Next_Grapefruit_3206

…and the bangtan Mod Team

TLDR: They do, just not in the ways you might expect.
I apologize to those who were looking for an erudite, scholarly article with cited quotations from approved theosophical sources. Unfortunately, it’s only my opinion based on my studies, personal experience, and pure speculation in some instances, and without delineating which are which, so if you choose to read further, please keep that in mind. Those of us who like to study The Mahatma Letters to A.P. Sinnett, the Letters from the Masters of the Wisdom, and the letters received by Olcott in Old Diary Leaves marvel at the number of notes, messages, and sometimes long letters that were received by numerous aspiring chelas from 1873 to about 1886, filled with encouragement, wisdom, and teachings of the Ancient Wisdom doctrine. Where did these Masters go?
Those particular Mahatmas have continued to progress in their spiritual enlightenment at a pace far faster than that at which most of us are traveling. Some may not be directly associated with human spiritual development at all by now, and if they are, it is from a much greater distance, metaphorically speaking, than the distance between them and aspirants in 1880. Hume and Sinnett were told not to worry because there would always be a few replacements for the Adepts as they progressed to other assignments.
KH had to get special permission from the Mahāchohan to communicate through HPB with Sinnett, Hume, and others. It was given very reluctantly and with more restrictions as time went on. The Adepts were hoping to find one or more Europeans (including people of European descent in other countries) that could take up the work begun by HPB. They tried various potential candidates, beginning with Hume and Sinnett, and invariably they failed, one after another. In the meantime, HPB still had to furnish the specific energy she alone could supply to make communication possible between a Mahatma and those who had none of the special training she had. The two Englishmen were warned early on that if she died, her energy reserve was only enough for two or three letters, at most. As it turned out, it was only one letter that was received after she died in 1891.
It seems that training Europeans to be chelas is not as easy as training certain Asians. Per KH, “You may be, and most assuredly are, our superiors in every branch of physical knowledge; in spiritual sciences we were, are, and always will be — your Masters.” The Asian way of thinking is simply better adapted to grasping spiritual concepts. But obviously it isn't impossible for Europeans to succeed since KH also assured Hume and Sinnett that there were two English Adepts even at that time. So it is possible, just more difficult. This implies that Europeans have to work even harder to achieve the same degree of progress. Not what we wanted to hear, but still good to know.
After HPB died, communications ended abruptly. Her students were bereft. Olcott, who periodically had received direct communications, was confused. He assumed they would continue as before. Damodar, one of the few chelas who had also been able to receive direct communications, had left for Tibet about the same time Blavatsky left India forever. Olcott was convinced that Damodar would return to fill in for her, but that never happened. I realize there are theosophists who believe that communications continued after HPB’s death, but in my opinion, the quality of those messages were markedly different from the quality we find in The Mahatma Letters, so I don’t have much confidence in most of those post-Blavatsky messages.
The original experiment of training one or more European chelas to replace Blavatsky failed. All the thousands of Mahatma-hours devoted to the goal seemingly came to nought. Except that it didn’t. Even if it didn’t succeed immediately, the seeds had been planted, but it would take time for results to be realized. We have a plethora of information now on how to become a chela, but that too is a problem. How do we sift through the mountains of information available, much of it not very useful, to find those few pure nuggets of gold that will point us in the right direction? The answer is simple: discernment. Okay, maybe not that simple, since not many people seem to have developed discernment. This qualification was originally called discrimination, but I will use the term discernment since the meaning of discrimination has changed markedly in the past 100 years. How do we develop discernment?
Again, the answer is simple: Get rid of ego. Now at least we have something we can understand. The answer may be simple, but getting rid of ego is anything but simple. We have to be willing to let go of it, release our attachment to possessions, our quest for power, our love of attention, need for approval, need to be needed, need of validation, our desire for excitement and drama. That’s a lot, but it has to be done, even if it takes more than one lifetime to make it happen, but hopefully some of us started the process in previous lifetimes and are continuing to work on it currently. If anyone thought the path was going to be easy, it isn’t. If it were, it would be nothing special. Anyone with a little perseverance could gain the powers of the advanced chelas without giving up much that we cherish. The path to chelaship is not fun and exciting, certainly not for a long, long time. It is mostly pain and hardship as we give up one thing after another that we thought was so important to our happiness. The more we are attached to material things and the goals of materialism, the more arduous the ascent up the mountain of chelaship.
So far, acquiring discernment and getting rid of ego are two things we can definitely work on. What’s next? Well, purity is absolutely essential. So, becoming a vegetarian, a non-smoker, a non-drinker and not engaging in sex except within an approved form of marriage, right? Well, those will all be required at some point, and even more eventually, but they are not required in the early stages. Purity of motive is number one, then comes purity of ethics. Do we believe it’s okay to lie if it helps achieve a good result? Not according to KH. He said an untruth had never passed his lips in this lifetime and emphasized that being scrupulous in telling the truth is absolutely necessary. How can a Mahatma trust someone who is willing to lie sometimes? They can’t, and more than one aspiring chela failed because they couldn’t pass that test. Sterling ethics are essential for chelaship.
Another requirement is an unconditional love of humanity and all living things, which includes our planet. Is there anyone at all that you hate? If so, you don’t have unconditional love of humanity and don’t truly believe in Brotherhood. Without this foundational belief in Oneness, to the point that we treat everyone as a brother, regardless of their actions, then we haven’t grasped the full meaning of this concept. It’s something else we may need to work on.
Does anyone receive any communications from these Masters anymore? Yes, they do. They are the ones who have been working for more than one or two lifetimes already toward that goal. They are already ahead of most of us who are still struggling to figure out what is important and what is not. Through sheer hard work they have succeeded in developing discernment, reduction of the ego to almost nothing, non-attachment and non-reaction. Through countless hours of meditation, they have achieved oneness, to some extent, with their Higher Self, and glimmers of inspiration and insight are beginning to come through. These faint first fruits of effort eventually become a more reliable channel by which any Mahatma who may have been watching over those efforts can test the connection from time to time, by planting a thought near us to see if we recognize it, and if we do, observe what we do with it. This process can take many, many years, more than one lifetime. If we become impatient and inclined to try a faster method, not only are we doomed to failure, but it will take more than one lifetime to get back on track. Some of us have already experienced that before. The Mahatmas learned a lot from their experiment in the 1880s. One result is that they retreated back behind their curtain of secrecy and anonymity, and it isn’t hard to see why. They and their agents were assailed from all sides, by scientists, religious people, and spiritualists, but their most severe critics were their former friends that they had tried to help to gain understanding. How could they focus on working for the benefit of humanity while being attacked 24 hours a day? It will probably be a long time before they try something like that again. Nothing is out in the open now. It isn’t through large groups that they work, but their efforts are concentrated on a few individuals who work together with a few other individuals. Progress comes through very small groups, not through large organizations. Those large organizations serve a purpose too, to preserve the original teachings and make sure they remain available to the world, and to serve as a starting point for a few brave souls who are willing to make the tremendous effort required for self-transformation into an intelligent, purified, discerning instrument, willing to give up cherished but inaccurate ideas, and motivated by pure love of humanity, to be trained further after lifetimes of effort to attain that intermediate goal of becoming an accepted chela. These are they with whom they communicate.

I’m really happy in this relationship and everything is going well, except for the fact that my boyfriend is struggling with back pain. This is really getting him down. We’ve been together for nearly a year, and our sexual frequency has significantly decreased, from 3-4 times per week to once a month. This has left me feeling unhappy most of the time. I’ve tried talking to him multiple times, offered help, and he’s sought medical advice. There’s nothing I haven’t tried. Today, I initiated a conversation about the issue, reminding him that we’re in this together and I want to tackle this problem as a team. But he got really upset this time, and I feel like he doesn’t care as much as he should. I feel helpless and unsure about how I can assist him or improve our relationship.

My life is a swirling abyss of torment & pain without hope as I circle the drain of my inevitable demise at the hands of a rock smaller than a pea.
As I circle the drain of my slow and painful fate, the fear that once gripped me fades into a numb acceptance. The rock, so tiny and yet so devastating, seems almost poetic in its simplicity—a minuscule harbinger of my end. I think about the irony of it all, how something so small can bring such monumental change.
But in the depths of despair, a spark ignites within me. Why must I accept this fate so passively? My life, though plagued with pain and shadowed by doom, is still my own until the last breath escapes me.
With renewed vigor, I begin to seek out every possible remedy, consulting experts, scouring ancient texts for forgotten cures, and even delving into experimental science. I leave no stone unturned, because every moment of life is precious, and I intend to fight for each one.
Through this journey, I learn not just about survival, but about living. About fighting back against the dark.
As I stand now, looking at the abyss that seems to be my only reality, I see it not as a pit of despair, but as a test of my spirit. Whether the rock claims me tomorrow or I outlive the stars, I know that I have already conquered the true enemy—defeat itself. The size of the rock no longer matters; what matters is the size of my will to thrive, not just survive. And in that, I am truly immense, a giant among the shadows, forever pushing back against the dark.

When Hozier was doing interviews to promote Unreal Unearth, I swear that at one point while discussing De Selby (Part 1), he said something about hoping to hear audiences sing back at him in Irish.
Unfortunately, my googling has come up empty. Do any of y'all remember seeing that quote?

Just seeking for anedoctals, anyone that used fenbendazole by itself or an addition/ part of their protocol? If so, How It went, you had sides and How It was in terms of pain relief?
I have compression from an immune mediated injury, that affected my nerves roots and peripheral nerves, but being dismissed by doctors in regards of microsurgery of any kind (you probably know how It goes) there is something but they cant see anything at the MRI...
i saw a report the other day (in quora) that a woman suffered in disability due to compressed nerve roots for 5 years, until doing a discogram that finally showed an brusted/leaking disk, she had surgery and suffers no more pain, but she was lucky with the surgery, given that back surgery is a compiicated thing and cant go wrong, and that this exam pin pointed the compressive injury.
im in an extensive protocol looking for improovments, and thinking about doing a course of fenbendazole, here some ot the mechanisms involved , a few of them are targets of New MS drugs
Flubendazole inhibited the activation of glial fibrillary acidic protein (GFAP); suppressed cyclin B1 expression and Bruton tyrosine kinase activation, markers of B cell activation/proliferation and inflammation; and reduced B cell autoimmune response. Together, these results suggest the use of the benzimidazole anthelmintic flubendazole as a potential therapeutic for SCI.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9413524/
Thanks for taking the time

I have OCD so it is extremely hard to make any decisions. For a long time, I knew I wanted top surgery but I was agonizing over which method I wanted to the point where I was unable to even move forward in the process.
I have a small chest and will likely qualify for peri or keyhole, but I've always had a sentimental attachment to the idea of having DI scars (they were an inspiration to me as a younger trans kid, and I wanted to have my own someday). But I've also realized it would be more convenient and safer in a lot of ways without the scars.
What made me finally make my decision was when I was out in public with my shirt cropped. I was getting stares from people, and it was uncomfortable. People stared at me like my body was something obscene. I realized that I would rather avoid facing (possibly hostile) attention from others due to my top surgery scars. While I want to be openly trans, I want to do so on my own terms instead of potentially being outed every time I take my shirt off. And with my career path, there is a chance I may need to travel to countries unfriendly to queer people for work.
Earlier, I was considering getting DI but getting a coverup tattoo if I changed my mind later about having visible scars. But I realized there's no way to guarantee that will be possible. For all I know my scars could keloid and may or may not respond well to treatment, and tattooing may not be an option if it's severe. And if my scars don't heal well it could be painful and limit my mobility.
So I decided that if I qualify for peri/keyhole, that is what I will go for. Otherwise, I will seek nipple-sparing DI or buttonhole (retaining nipple sensation is important to me as well).
I had the irrational worry that if I got peri I would be "abandoning my transness". I feel like a lot of media portrays top surgery scars at The Image™️ of transmasculinity. But I realized that isn't true, I can still be open and proud of being trans and choose a minimal-scarring procedure. If I want to do something to physically mark my transness onto my body, I can always get a pride tattoo or something.
After figuring all this out, I submitted a consultation request for Dr. Wolf. Being able to do informed consent, and also being able to get a revision done for free if needed (which will be more likely if I get peri) seems like a huge plus. I already have the money saved.
The website said I should hear back in 24-48 hours, but I've also heard it can take a long time to hear back since his office is so busy. So we'll see, hopefully I'll hear back sooner than later. I'm extremely excited to finally do this, I've waited almost a decade.

I cant feel pain if i dont exist. I would much rather have never been born but beggars cant be choosers so i might as well make do with the next best alternative. I have existed for 21 years, i have no prospects, no close confidants aside from the one person whose heart i broke and in turn broke mine, and no sense of direction or motivation. I made a choice i thought would protect her from pain and disappointment, and ended up causing so much pain and disappointment she could no longer bear the idea of being with me. She could no longer see a future for us. We had spent so long discussing possible futures, destinations, careers, even fucking pets, and in one moment i ruined that reality, or possibly rather revealed its unreality. If she couldnt accept me at my worst, most shameful state, did she deserve to see me at my most proud? If there is a God he, she, or whatever fucking pronouns they use are a cruel manipulator on a cosmic scale. 1.5 years may be a blip in the eyes of some master creator but im barely 2 decades old and this shit has been a massive fucking chunk of my life so far. I know theres other people, i know the key to happiness is working on myself, but why should i even fucking bother when all i want is to devote my life to her? Some find solace in religion, praising and worshipping whatever deity some guy thousands of years ago pulled out of their fucking ass and maybe that brings them peace. I wish it did for me. I wish i was able to keep believing that some guy in the sky created an entire race of sentient beings out of fucking dirt and then somehow had a son with one of these dirt gremlins for the sole purpose of this son dying ‘for the sake of our sins’. I wish so badly this made sense to me. Maybe then i could direct all my energy to that and find purpose in it. But i dont. And i cant. It just makes no sense to me. Id rather put my energy and soul into someone i can perceive, after all perception is the only confirmation of our reality. I cant see some sky daddy up in the clouds, but i can see her. I worshipped her, i praised her. If there was a God it took shape in her. They say he made us in his image but the only proof of that i can see is corrupt, selfish, and altogether destructive to itself and the world he supposedly created for it to foster. If we are the image of God then he is a vile, ugly, sadistic being. I remember learning in school about tragedies, and their main defining trait is that they revolve around the downfall of the protagonist due to a flaw of their own they were unable or unwilling to overcome. Humanity is a fucking tragedy. The only animal cursed with the knowledge that we are slowly decaying. What kind of existence is that? Im supposed to find purpose knowing im just a sack of atoms with an unknown expiry date? How do i live knowing everything and everyone around me will not only cease to exist at a certain point, but if our mess of a species manages to make it into any sort of distant future, most of us arent even likely to be remembered? I hate sentience, i hate existence, and i hate pain. I hate the way my heart aches when i see her. I cant seem to escape this prison of affection she has me in. i hate that i let myself be so vulnerable and then hurt her so badly she can no longer be vulnerable with me. I worked so fucking hard to earn her trust. It was a fucking grueling experience. And i would do it all again if given the chance. The looks of mistrust turning to a deep reliance, as i slowly peeled away the layers to her soul. She used to describe her trust as eggs she was putting in my basket, and the day she said i had all her eggs might have been the most loved i ever felt in my life. 2 weeks ago she told me i broke one of her eggs, and she had to take them back now to protect them. I dont think ive ever felt so much pain and remorse as i did in that moment. Not only for hurting the person i cared about most, but because i have to live with the fact that that unreality we had built together would stay that way, and it was all on me. I hurt her, and i hurt myself. I know theres probably someone out there with more shared interests, with more quippy one-liners, possibly someone im even more attracted to physically. But i just dont fucking care. What point is there in chasing that when it could all get fucked like this? I cant do this again. I wont do this again. Its too much. I think i might be done. One of these days i might finally get the fucking balls to do it. ive been so scared for so long. The afterlife, my family and friends, her. But fuck it. My parents see me as the problem child, and they wouldnt even be fucking wrong. My siblings barely know me and i barely know them. Visiting home is like a hotel where im constantly reminded of how much of a failure i am and all the ways everyone around me is better. And im genuinely not even jealous. I could care less about any of my cousin’s lifestyles, or my sisters much better academic performance and artistic skill, or my brother’s athletic prowess. I really am happy for them, they all deserve it and more given the work theyve put in. The only thing i give a shit about is the fact that i get treated less because of these things. I just want to be able to live my life without being put down for choices that im happy with. I just want genuine fucking support, and when i fail to not have it shoved in my fucking face as if i dont already feel like enough of a shit sack. I dont need a 6 figure salary i need a fucking support system. A small but significant part of me holds a deep resentment for my parents for actively choosing to bring me existence. When i get the fucking chance i might just have to take that existence into my own hands and strangle it away, but for now im too much of a fucking pussy to try. I dont even know how id do it. I want it short and painless, almost instant if possible. I dont want any chance of survival in the form of life support, so maybe looking into a dnr would be useful but i dont even know where to start with that. Ive heard of a trick with the car exhaust, but i dont own a car and i dont want anyone finding my dead body in their vehicle. I just want an easy death, life has been hard enough. I feel like im tipping over the edge

what if there was a dumb guy
and the dumb guy was really, really profoundly dumb
what if he was so dumb he spent all day every day all his life pooping himself and playing with his poop
what if he spent so long pooping himself and playing with the poop that he pooped
so very very long pooping himself and then playing with the poop that he accumulated that magic malcolm gladwell 10,000 hours, and then still way even more hours than that, under his belt, of self pooping experience
and in the course of playing with his own poop the dumb guy learned to make intricate and baroquely ornamental poop sculptures from the poop
like some kind of a poop savant
and sometimes the dumb guy tries to show the poop sculptures to people because they're so beautiful and ornate
but everyone runs away. because no matter how exquisitely formed all of the poop is it is just too disgustingly smelly
but one day someone with with a little curiosity and a strong stomach strays a tad closer to the dumb guy than most do
and that someone is perceptive and sensitive enough to notice that there may just be something special here about these poop sculptures, that the dumb guy may well have something to give, if only his poop didn't stink so bad
so the someone takes a deep breath, puts a clothes peg on their nose, and says Yes i would love to look at your poop sculptures tell me all about them
and the dumb guy is overjoyed beyond words. he is swept away with ecstasy at his undreamt fortune. a non-dumb person who doesn't play with their own poop wants to talk to him and be his friend and be interested in the poop sculpting together
the someone, in their turn, is graduallly captivated and charmed at the dumb poop guy's endless passion and enthusiasm and willingness to share it. they even think things to themselves "i wish i loved anything as much as this dumb guy loves playing with his own poop"
but the peg stays on their nose, of course
the someone also knows the pain the dumb pooping guy feels from his isolation. the someone thinks it isn't fair. the someone wants to fix it. the someone wants to help.
so the someone goes to the art supply store (they cannot take their dumb friend there, obviously) and at their own expense they purchase a smorgasbord of workable material: polymer clay, beeswax, silicone resin, salt dough and more, in all the colors of the rainbow
and with extremely tactful and diplomatic grace, they carefully broach the possibility of the dumb guy exploring different mediums to display his sculpture skills in
specifically, odorless ones
well, the dumb guy is intrigued. he is a bit confuzzled about why exactly anyone would want to make sculptures out of anything aside from one's own poop; but the someone is his best friend now, and if it makes the someone happy for some reason he's right on board
the dumb guy launches himself into his new task with gusto. it's heavy going at first, and there are some false starts; the consistency of the odorless clay is not quite the same as that of his poop, and he can't quite make it do the same things. compared with his poop sculptures, the new pieces are honestly quite mediocre.
but the someone tells him they're wonderful and he should be proud of them. over and over. and even in his profound regardation he can tell something is changing with them. he doesn't know why, but the more time he spends on making the bland and indifferent clay sculptures, and the less time he spends masterpieces out of poop, the happier they seem and the more time they want to spend together
one day, the someone even takes the peg off of their nose. by now, the dumb guy barely smells of poop at all
they come up with a suggestion: it's time to open the doors and introduce the world to the newly clean guy, whom in the absence of any poop stink it is questionable to even call dumb anymore. an grand exhibition, open to one and all, of the plain old guy's normal-smelling masterpieces in various plastic media
it's a little scary but it's exciting too. the guy is so grateful to the someone for helping him and putting the time in when no one else would. that long standing ache in his heart is almost gone. privately, he has absolutely no idea why the someone thinks his new stuff is so incredible; but he still wants to show his friend, and the world in general, gratitude and beauty by making the best pieces he ever can
so while the someone is busy with all the invitations and arrangements, the guy plans a suite of last minute adjustments and reornamentations so his gallery will be as stunning as it can possibly be
and he gets down to it
yes he gets down to it
on the day of the grand exhibition, a crowd has formed outside the grand hall. there is an anticipatory hubbub in the air. the someone proudly cuts the ribbon and throws open the doors
and their noses are powerfully assaulted by a tidal wave of stench. the stench of pure poop.
all of the mediocre and uninspired clay sculptures have been transformed into rancidly putrid masterpieces, by the addition of intricated and delicately sculpted layers of the dumb guy's poop. poop is his best medium, and the public deserves better than mere clay
in the middle of it all is he, squatposed, smeared even more deeply with poop and being more gross and dumb than he ever was before
in that moment the someone's heart breaks and shatters into one krillion seventy eight kajillion brillion tiny little bits. and with no words, no words at all, not even the cries of horror and disgust emanating from the rest of the crowd, they leave and run far far away and never come near the dumb guy ever again
and the dumb guy doesn't understand. he has no idea what he did wrong. no matter how much he thinks, it just doesn't occur to him that poop smells bad and people don't like it
because he is too dumb
grieving the loss of this deep friendship is an extremely painful and lonely process for him but he manages to make it and bounce back, by the sole means of - you guessed it - pooping and playing with his poop and making even more wonderfully accomplished poop sculptures
after all, the only possible reason everyone ran away from the exhibition must be that his poop sculpting skills weren't up to par. that's gotta be it. gotta spend more time poopsculpting. poopsculpting, poop grinding for the rest of his life. one day he'll make it. one day it'll all go right. just gotta keep pooping.
so yeah what if all of that happened

Hey, I'm 28 white male, I'm a smoker, I rarely drink. 2 weeks from today I was eating a chicken strip and I noticed slight pain in the back roof of my mouth, I went to feel it with my tongue and noticed a bump. It's the same color as the roof of my mouth. It feels very hard, it only kinda hurt for maybe the first day or two then no pain at all. I want to say it's getting smaller than what it started with but it's hard to tell. Only description I can give is that it doesn't feel as defined as it did 2 weeks ago. It's located right near where the Hard palate starts on the left side, I'd say it's probably the size of a pea now. I have no insurance and wanna make absolutely sure it's either something to worry about before and go drop a ridiculous amount of money on test. Thank you for the advice.

A little back story before I begin the talking about the actual issue. I was 6 years old when I was fostered by this current family (not adopting - this means councils can intervene a bit more) there is my foster dad, mum and sister and then there's my real brother and I. We all had our issues when my brother and I were growing up. I am 17 now, and have since grown out of the stupid things that we used to do.
I had an ok childhood and I didn't see much of my sister. She only participated with my life and started wanting to make memories with me once I hit puberty. When I started my periods, the foster parents made it a big deal to start me on the pill as soon as they could. I had no issues with my periods - except holidays. But they didn't want me making an issue of going on holiday with them. So they lied to the nurse and got me on the pill., even getting me on evening primrose and starflower oil, claiming I had behavioral issues - bear in mind I was 13 when this was all happening and I wanted to have my say. And my way of getting my revenge was to deprive them of having the ability to do girly things with the second daughter who they'd never really treated as a daughter. I began to hate being a girl and hated being called a woman. So I started covering up and not allowing them to buy me stuff that might show me off or indicate that I'm a girl (I even wear jumpers in the summer).
My sister got me these books for my birthday or Christmas because they helped her through growing up into the woman she is now, and wanted me to understand what was going on with my body. I knew what was going on with my body, I just didn't care - so I started mistreating it. It got so bad that my brother actually thought I was a boy. And I told her I had no need for the books because I didn't want to know and I wouldn't be the sister she wanted me to be.
I know this sounded vain - but I genuinely thought this way and hated life itself and wouldn't talk about any of it. Not to anyone.
Onto the main story. My sister is 23 with Fragile X, and I am 17 in June. My foster sister (FS) came to college with me - I signed up before she did - I was brought round to having the idea of having her at college with me, though being pessimistic about it at first. I asked her not to tell anyone that I was a foster child because here people believe that all foster children are pure evil and should be kept away from. But on the very first day, we weren't sat there 10 minutes and she goes "yeah, she's my foster sister. My parents fostered her when she was very young" I was upset because she broke the promise she'd made me. But I ignored it because I told that it wasn't malicious and I was over reacting.
In December last year, she struck again. I had told my friends to tell me if they had an issue with me. This was because I had to deal with a psycho ex bf that almost had his way. My friends told my sister first, made them panic and told them to report me because I've done it before which is a lie, 4 weeks I had to endure of silence, insults in front of me and behind me, and door slamming. Worst of all, she told everyone, leaving no one out. So it wasnt just her and they're still being horrible and snubby towards me today. But I've grown to not care. They want to live in a world centered around her lies, then that's their own pain when they find out.

TL.DR My friend is doing things that make me uncomfortable including calling me to her bedroom to " help her " and I entered the room to find her naked. She also answered her front door with only a bra and shorts on knowing it was my husband at the door.
I'm (35/f) going to preface this by explaining that I didn't have sisters and that I was painfully shy and awkward and didn't have friends growing up. I'm trying really hard to cultivate some female relationships but it's hard. Just to be clear I don't have male friends either. A few years ago I met a woman I'll call Patty(40/f) through a mutual acquaintance. We hung out a few times but didn't start to get close until about a year ago. She is great. She's smart, funny, emotionally mature and very direct which is probably the most important because I have trouble with subtlety and social cues. We get together usually every two weeks, sometimes with my husband Dan ( 33/m ) and sometimes it's just us. I finally felt as though I had a close friend until things started getting weird. Last week we ( Patty and her boyfriend Chris (45m) my husband Dan and I ) were hanging out at Patty's house and she disappeared to her bedroom for at least half an hour and yelled for me that she needed help. I went up to her room and she was naked just standing there and started talking. I didnt hear most of the begining because I became immediately uncomfortable and started staring at the wall , ceiling , floor and wondering if this was normal and I'm just awkward or if it was weird and I should just leave. Then I realize shes asking me to look at a rash for her . I was really relieved until I realized the rash was visible with underwear and a bra on. I check the rash and tell her what I think it is and then GTFO and head back to where my husband and her boyfriend are. My husband and I left pretty shortly after this as I told him it was time to go. As soon as we got home I told him what happened and he found it funny. Well today I had him stop by her house on his way home because I'd forgotten something in my haste to leave last time we were there. She knew he was coming and what time and that he would be coming alone. When he knocked he heard her come from the living room area over to the door and she answered the door in a bra and shorts. He got uncomfortable and turned around and faced the street. She said oh hold on! And ran back to the living room to grab her shirt and put it on. He didn't go inside the house just asked her to grab my stuff and then left once she brought it out. When he got home he immediately told me what happened and said he will not go over there alone ever again. Am I just overreacting to normal behavior or is her behavior inappropriate?

Hi everyone I don't think what I'm experiencing is HSDD exactly because I do have (and enjoy) sexual fantasies and I still experience sexual attraction and psychological arousal.
What I'm experiencing would probably have once been called Female Sexual Arousal Disorder but that disorder doesn't exist anymore. It's basically that I don't get the genital arousal anymore - or very little of it anyway. I get sexual pleasure from thinking about sex (and sometimes lubricate), and I feel very excited when I am with a casual sexual partner who I can touch and watch getting aroused/orgasm. However, I have no sexual sensation in my clitoris, do not experience swelling in my labia or clitoris, and do not lubricate enough for sex. Even with external lubricants, penetrative sex is very uncomfortable and painful and I don't get the feeling in my vagina afterwards like when you've had sex and it's slowly returning to its resting state. It is always in its resting state and I think the reason penetrative sex is so weird and awful is because my body does not enter physical arousal at any point, so I'm trying to have sex with a body that is not at all prepared for it. Kind of like having a smear test.
I've given it a lot of thought and this is what I think happened to me:

• I took an antidepressant that extinguished most of my ability to experience physical arousal for five years and even though I have now been off this medication for over a year I think this experience has completely fucked up my relationship with my body. I was expecting that one day after discontinuing the medication I would just wake up aroused. Before taking the meds I was 31 and in a semi permanent state of arousal. I often woke up 'ready to go' in the morning, experienced random arousal during the day, and could (and sometimes did) masturbate whenever I wanted, for as long as I wanted, and however many times I wanted. I remember when I was trying to quit smoking I took my mind off the cravings by having orgasms. I must have orgasmed 20 times that day and could probably have kept going. It was just very, very easy and felt natural. Because that's my baseline from before meds, I thought it would just return when I stopped them age 36 but that never happened.
  
• I'm grieving - I wanted children and I wanted a partner and I have been single and sexless for five years. I'm turning 38 in three months' time and I have lost hope. I feel like the life I wanted is over and I can't imagine what there is to enjoy about the one I'm facing. I initially told myself that if I can't have children I'll just have great sex, but.....alas..... so losing sex feels enormous. It's just another loss among all of the losses.
  
• I'm isolated - I think the pandemic really fucked me over a single person, and I also moved to the countryside during that time, got a dog, and settled into working from home indefinitely. I have tried very hard to make connections in my new town. I didn't just join clubs, I established them, but my peers are at home with their young children and babies and those I do meet are much older and have established lives of their own. It's been impossible to make the connections I need and I spend almost all my time completely alone.
  
• My sense of self has changed - I feel like an entirely different person. I was always pretty vain and enjoyed being viewed as sexual and attractive when I was younger. I liked the feeling (probably in my own head, lol) of feeling like I had a gravitational pull when I walked into a room. I was always shy and anxious in other ways, but sexually I felt very desirable and powerful. I'm now obsessed with my age and being 'over the hill'. I feel completely invisible and in a strangely physical way. When I walk into a room now I feel like I'm literally transparent, like I don't even exist at all.
  
• Fears of hormonal change/irreversible change I have seen a specialist gynaecologist to rule out physical causes and she gave me the all clear.... yet I still don't believe her... My vagina and vulva feel dry compared with last year, the discharge in my pants is so diminished as to barely be there. This sensation makes me feel like I have an 'old' vagina and I have become obsessed with oestrogen and fears that my body has given up. I had my fertility tested last year and was told everything was great and I would conceive naturally if I found a partner. I was also told there was no indication early menopause was on the cards for me. The gynaecologist I saw recently said there was no vaginal dryness on examination and that the regularity of my period rules out perimenopause. I still can't let it go. I fear that my vagina will never be what it once was and it makes me feel incredibly unsexy. I want the feeling of wetness and fullness back there. It feels so diminished and dessicated to me now.
  

I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts over the last few months. The sexual dysfunction was the final straw that pushed me to the edge. I'm completely desperate. I have nothing to live for now. I just don't know where to turn or what to do. Can anyone help me?

I (f18) started my YouTube channel when I was 13, I uploaded two vlogs, got 18 subs, then never touched it again content-wise until I was 16, I uploaded really randomly until I was 17 and had a schedule. I'm currently at 634 subs, one of those subs had been one of the original 18 and he started stalking me, I'm not going to put his account name or mine obviously, I made this new account so he'd leave me alone on my Reddit account associated with my YT. He commented on my old videos often during the years I was inactive, and was excited that I returned, he didn't. Stop. Commenting.
I'm serious, he was extremely quick to comment once something new was posted and he was there within minutes, and would comment every time he rewatched. Over time he just got really creepy, his comments were usually harmless but typed in a frantic way like: "5th watch so happy you are back are you filming now when are you posting next I miss you a lot hey do you like (random media)? I like it do you want to talk? We can talk I want to talk" but then it was more like: "I love you :) you are so funny and sweet and totally hot I mean so hot I want to touch you you would be a good wife I bet ;) you should talk to me soon want to touch me too?". Now, it's not lost on me that this could've been a real weird kid but HE had content too, and he had to be in his early/mid 20s, and stupidly I would talk about my age, so he knew I was a minor. His comments on my 18th birthday post was even worse god.
One of his worst (sexually) and most recent comments was on a video of 13 yo me talking about 13 yo me, I won't tell you what it said, but it was graphic and ended up getting removed from YT. Now he sexually harasses me non stop, I've had to of blocked like 12 different accounts that were his on YouTube alone, he tried to dox me, he threatened to r-pe me, and now he found my Facebook that I don't even use and has been asking my family where I live now pretending to be a person I went to school with.
I went through his original Twitter one time, all he did was talk creepy about different women, talk all schizo and reposted everything I posted, he liked almost exclusively porn and my posts, some of his reposts where quote tweets that said "Watch my girlfriend", " My girlfriend is gorgeous", "She loves me are you all jealous?", "I own her none of you do".
Just needed to vent, I feel like I'm going insane, I just want him to go the fuck away.

I hope everyone had a great and relaxing weekend, but it's time to get back to making plays! $GWAV got really hot towards the end of last week, and it is at a pivotal point to either continue its recent uptrend or start to reverse. $SUUN highlights a promising growth opportunity in the renewable energy sector and is looking even stronger than $GWAV. If you trade these types of setups, take a look. And remember, the only way to make gains is to take profits :) Let's get into it! (This sub isn't letting me post pics of my chart set up unfortunetly)
First up, we have $SUUN (Solarbank Corp.). This stock has been steadily climbing since its inception, driven by significant developments and strategic initiatives in renewable energy. With the US government heavily investing in clean energy projects, Solarbank Corp. is well-positioned to capitalize on this trend. The company's recent entry into the electric vehicle charger market and participation in IESO’s proposals for 4,000 MW of year-round electricity capacity add to its bullish outlook.

• The chart shows a bullish pennant formation, indicating potential for further upside. Will be watching the trendlines and volume to confirm the breakout
• MACD is crossing upwards on the 4-hour chart, signaling positive momentum.
• Key resistance levels are around $6.30, $6.50, and $7.00. Breaking these could lead to a significant rally and also be good profit-taking levels if you are in this for a swing trad

Next up, we have $GWAV (Greenwave Technology Solutions, Inc.). This stock blew up on Thursday and Friday, and many people were talking about this stock in this sub. The stock flew a total of 400% before retracing at the current trendline. This stock could go either way in the short term, depending on the volume and interest next week. Make sure you keep an eye on this trendline if you are already in!
$GWAV Chart Analysis:

• The chart indicates a bullish trendline support, suggesting the stock may continue its upward trajectory, but if there is little volume next week there is a chance this stock could break below and turn highly bearish.
• MACD on the hourly has a bearish cross, so keep that in mind.
• Watch for support around $0.15 and potential resistance around $0.20. A breakout in either direction is possible, so be prepared

Communicated Disclaimer- This is not financial advice whatsoever. Please do your own DD before investing! Sources -1,2,3,4

I’m in Downer’s Grove, a suburban locality southwest of Chicago. I’m sitting at a brewery having earned an internal reward for writing up another edition of the Week Ahead newsletter. Now I’m going to sit here writing up these blurbs for Charlottesville that double as a prompt for tomorrow’s radio appearance on WINA. I was going to skip tomorrow so I could explore Chicago, but there’s so much happening this week that I want people to know about.
So, let’s go:
DOWNTOWN MALL
I’m quoted in this week’s C-Ville Weekly article on the Downtown Mall which is also weird because I write a weekly column for that publication as well. On Monday, Council will be presented with recommendations from a committee that has suggested ways to reform the mall and how it managed. They’ve also made suggestions that have been floated before but didn’t get anywhere, such as adding parking meters and adding more seats. They also suggest a revisit of how outdoor cafes are regulated, with a possible idea of changing their boundaries to allow for more pedestrian flow. Also possibly charging more. There’s a lot in the report worth reading. (there’s a link in my summary).
150 to 190 AFFORDABLE UNITS at 10th and Wertland
We can now look at the first image of what a six story building at the corner of 10th and Wertland would look like. This is the first major development under the new Development Code, and the first of three projects in the University of Virginia’s affordable housing initiative that seeks to construct between 1,000 and 1,500 units on land owned by them or the UVA Foundation. The Board of Architectural Review will take a first look at their meeting on Tuesday. Take a look at the picture with this segment. This infill development will transform Charlottesville and make a move to a more urban character. But is that road even close to handling the traffic? What do you think? (read more)
TRANSIT PLANS
On Tuesday, Charlottesville Area Transit will hold a virtual meeting on their transit strategic plan. Public comment is being taken through May 31, and this webinar offers an opportunity to learn how changes will be implemented gradually as the number of buses come online. I admit I follow this closely because I’m an avid fan of taking a bus if I don’t have to drive. But I really want people to pay attention to transit policy as the core of Charlottesville community prepares for more density. (this is a story I wrote last week) (learn more about the meeting)
PRIVATE SCHOOL REQUEST
At this point, I cannot provide empirical evidence that private schools, particularly Christian schools, have seen increased enrollment in the past few years. I do know that entities like the Christian Community Academy state that they have more and more applicants but don’t have the space to accommodate them. This Thursday, the Places29-Rio Community Advisory Committee will have a community meeting about a special use permit request from CCA that seeks to be able to build 9,000 square feet worth of modular buildings to accommodate their middle school enrollment. As part of the packet, they’re saying they will come back with a rezoning for a new building and to increase enrollment further. I’d like to read a story about the growth of private Christian schools that seeks to understand why. But not one that demonizes the parents who make the choice to take their kids out of the public option available to them. Is this how we further the cultural divide that threatens to tear us all apart? (learn more about the meeting)
OTHER ITEMS:

• Louisa County Supervisors will consider a budget supplement of around three-quarters of a million dollars to cover a shortfall for fire and rescue services (learn more about the meeting)
• The Albemarle Architectural Review Board will consider an amendment to add five more units to what had been proposed as six (learn more about the meeting)
• The MPO Policy Board will adopt the long-range transportation plan and endorse Smart Scale candidate projects, a process that is transparent but depends on reporting to let the public know what’s happening which is what I do. (learn more about the meeting)
• Nelson County’s Planning Commission will discuss a series of recommendations about how to alter the zoning code to better implement the recently adopted Comprehensive Plan. (learn more about the meeting)

Any extra edge in this installment is created purely by writing this in Downer’s Grove, Illinois, a place right next to the place I spent years four through six. I am beginning to feel like so much of me comes from here, a place I spent formative years but then ended up in a suburb of Lynchburg. I’ve not been here for 44 years, and here I am for one more night only. I’m convinced my sense of place and community is created by being ripped away from this one. I know at least one of the reddit readers prefers it when I don’t talk about myself, but my journalism wouldn’t exist if I hadn’t learned to read about three miles away from where I hit send.

I hurt my ankle at work last August, kept working on it (didn’t have insurance and management didn’t let me go to the doctor). Twisted it in January, and convinced management to let me get it checked out. Turns out it was actually fractured back in August. To keep a long story short, I’ve got to have surgery on it. I have some extra bone growth, piece of cartilage broken off, and some arthritis build up. Surgery was originally scheduled in April and doc said it would be plenty of time for recovery. Workers comp is a bitch though, and I’ve only now gotten it approved. And it’s scheduled for after Roo. Doc gave me a steroid injection to get me through Roo, however it didn’t work. He didn’t seem concern about the risk of further injury.
This is my sixth Roo, and plan on pushing through the pain. I’ve got a good brace, and sleeve that’s made for icing it. I plan on taking it as easy as I can. Staying back in the crowds, and finding a spot to sit and camp when I can. I’ve got a good group that’s willing to help me as much as they can. Just curious if anyone has any other advice on managing? Anything I haven’t thought of.