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GLOSSARY This links to a post on the free section of my Patreon. Note: "Book 1" is chapters 1-59, "Book 2" is chapters 60-133, "Book 3", is 134-193, "Book 4" is CH 194-(ongoing)
The vastness of the ocean was hard to understand until you truly saw it. Kazue mused upon this thought as she and Moriko walked slowly along the beach of this port city. It was the third and last day they would be spending here before they moved on. Since they had left the capital, they had been much more careful about how long they lingered in any one location. Most places they gave no more than one non-traveling day to, but this city was Kazue's first visit to the sea, and there was much to see and learn here.
Though somewhat surprisingly, neither of the spirits she currently had bonded to her related directly to the sea or sand, or other such ocean themed concepts. The first of them was a rather esoteric, ephemeral entity; a creature of light and shadow, of liminal places and the borders between. Kazue still didn't know why this was the spirit that responded when she was seeking a solution to how the sun readily burned her skin, but she suspected it had more to do with the light and shadow aspects than the liminal aspects, even if these things weren't entirely separable. And it had provided her with the spell she needed.
Of course, the reason she needed it was that Moriko had insisted they buy dresses in the local fashion, though Kazue had insisted that Moriko join her in wearing the short pants that were commonly paired with the lightweight dresses that barely fell to mid-thigh. The fabric was thankfully thicker across the chest because it was borderline sheer in other places, and it was only held up by a thin pair of straps for the shoulders.
And this exposure was no doubt a good portion of why Moriko had insisted on such flimsy casual wear. Not that Kazue had much to complain about, as it did give such a wonderful view of her wife's legs and the way the sun shone on Moriko's skin as the muscles beneath flexed. Yum. While the wide-brimmed hat that Kazue was wearing did make it harder to look up to see people, it did help hide her gaze when she wanted to admire her wife's figure discreetly.
That figure had been such a beautiful sight last night, when Moriko had recklessly chosen to dance in the air with the thunderstorm. It had been both enthralling and terrifying to watch the half-elf laughing almost maniacally as she leapt across the sky; wind, rain, and lightning swirling about her lithe form. While Kazue might have been able to pull together enough spells to enable her to at least join her wife up there, it wouldn't have really been dancing the same way. Kazue would have been moving despite the elements, not with and because of the elements, and she would have had to put a lot more effort into ensuring that lightning didn't strike her.
Not that Moriko was immune to a direct hit from a natural bolt of lightning, no, the reckless woman was entrusting to her control of the elements to keep such a strike from hitting her.
But if Moriko hadn't gone out to dance in that storm, Kazue wouldn't have met the second spirit she was keeping bonded right now: a spirit of lightning and storms. While not so esoteric as her liminal spirit, it could be almost as ephemeral. She knew that they would continue to exist as discrete entities so long as they were bonded with her, but they were the sort of spirit that might otherwise dissipate when conditions were no longer optimal for them. Especially the liminal one; Kazue thought it might have come into existence because she'd been putting effort into finding something that could help her out.
What she was hoping was that if she could keep them bonded long enough to give them a stronger sense of identity and self that they'd be able to exist independently. It was limiting for her to keep them bonded; she could only keep two bonded at a time, and it took several minutes under optimal conditions to bond with a new one. But she didn't mind and thought that her liminal spirit worked really well with her ability to bring dreams and imagination briefly to the surface of reality. Her trick for making it briefly hard to tell where she was as random images of might-have-beens flickered around her could be amplified along the edges of spaces, letting her slide through reality a bit more. She could move further so long as it was along a border and squeeze through gaps she otherwise shouldn't be able to fit through.
Her lightning and storm spirit did not synergize quite so well, though it could speed her up and that did help, and its bolts of lighting were probably her most powerful ranged abilities at the moment. But she hadn't had a good chance to test it out yet, not inside of city limits. But maybe tomorrow while they were on the road.
For now, Kazue was listening to Moriko recount yesterday's events back home.
"So after breakfast, Mordecai tormented the kids by waiting a while before asking if there was anything that wanted to talk about. Then he just nodded thoughtfully when they spoke and asked things like 'is there anything else?' while smiling patiently and encouragingly. The two of them spilled their guts." Moriko was having trouble not laughing while she recounted the tale, and it made Kazue grin.
Nothing truly inappropriate had happened, but it they were at the edge of different social rules. There was a difference between the three of them sharing a room with well-understood rules, and very different for one of them to spend the night in the other's private room. And it certainly wasn't the dungeon's place to 'punish' them for any sort of indiscretion, perceived or otherwise. But as the adults in charge of the area, it certainly fell to them to help encourage a healthy amount of responsibility. Thus Mordecai 'forcing' Derek and Shizoku to tattle on themselves and explain exactly why that wasn't supposed to happen.
Moriko continued happily, "After he'd gotten them to give themselves their own guilt trip, Mordecai gave the pair heavy head rubs and laughed at them before letting them know they weren't in any trouble. His only real concern was responsibility, and he thought that they were both pretty responsible overall but that going forward they should be more careful. He didn't say it directly, but he implied that being responsible might be harder as time went on."
Which was a pretty fair assessment. The Azeria clan worried about it a lot less than even other kitsune clans as all pregnancies were causes for celebration and there was plenty of support for the girl without a need for the father to be in the picture. Kazue had no illusions that this meant her clan was some bastion of enlightenment. Part of the reason that Shizoku leaned so heavily on her grandmother and the forest spirit for parental guidance was that her father had five wives who also wanted his attention and Shizoku's mother hadn't felt the need to be very responsible when there were other women who were happy to spend time cooing over Shizoku and taking care of her. Kazue was fairly certain that this was also the reason that the young kitsune had a tendency to crush on older men, but hopefully, that was taken care of now.
"So after that, Fuyuko decided she wanted to make her contract with the dungeon official. Mordecai made sure to write everything up with her becoming our ward and after it was done he sent a copy of it to both Riverbridge and Azeria to get her status recorded. And then it was on to training! Gentle training this time. Well, mostly. For Shizoku and Fuyuko it was focused around marksmanship practice, mixed with switching their weapons out on the fly. He doesn't think that Shizoku would need to swap between gun and staff quickly very often, but there was no reason to skip that part of the training. For Fuyuko, he's popping up surprise targets for her and mixing them up with some 'targets' that are actually innocents. He says that it should help her get her battle rage under control. Oh, and the swords that came with her bracers are falcatas. They aren't good for fancy sword work but he figures that sometimes she might just need to hit things hard, so these will be better than her long daggers. I have to say, the only reason those things are 'daggers' is because of how tall she is. They'd probably feel like short swords for me, and almost certainly be swords for you, ankle biter."
Well, Kazue wouldn't mind biting Moriko, but that was a slightly different topic and she had her honor to defend. "Careful what you say, my love. This little ankle biter has very sharp teeth and knows exactly where you sleep every night. And she might just think you are tasty enough to take a big bite out of."
"Eek, I am terrified," Moriko said while laughing, "oh please don't eat me all up scary fox lady, I don't know what I'd do." Ignoring Kazue's threatening glare Moriko continued passing on the dungeon's events. "Anyway, the blades are heavier than Fuyuko is used to and weighted a little strangely, but Mordecai says she's adapting fast. Now, as for Derek, well, Mordecai is pushing him a little bit more. Our husband has sectioned off part of the arena to be an elemental testing and training ground. It generates random sparks and bubbles of different elements which naturally drift toward any living thing in the area and speed up as they get closer. Derek has been sitting in the middle of it and his training is to use only his elemental abilities to push them away. And Mordecai has made sure to lean heavily on fire and lightning as those seem to be Derek's weakest elements right now. Man, the poor kid. But he at least has some moral support, Bellona is right there with him. She's taking more of a beating actually, she doesn't have any influence over wood and only indirect influence on metal. She's not going to be there every day though, and Mordecai plans on this being the majority of their training to finish out the first month of the exchange program."
Given how long it had taken the kids to get through the dungeon, there wasn't a lot more time to finish out a month, so everyone had agreed to just start the program early. After this, Derek and Shizoku would arrange to travel with other groups back to his home and after a few days of rest head back to the dungeon, where Fuyuko would rejoin them and they would all head to the Azeria clan to begin a month of training.
"Everything else has just been going smoothly. With your non-combat path, we've been attracting a lot of people who are willing to spend weeks to get through the dungeon instead of the days it takes the combat teams. Though there aren't a lot of teams clearing the wetlands, most of the ones who finish the river zone don't even try it. The people on your path usually only give up if it's taking too long. Oh, and Mordecai says he'd like you to practice working with enchanting crystal-focused items, especially anything that involves altering the crystal itself. He's hoping that the two of you combined might be able to manually convert other gems and crystals into core matrix, though it will probably take both of you to figure it out."
Well, as much as Kazue admired their husband, she did have to admit to herself that it was kind of nice to see that he wasn't as all-knowing as he sometimes appeared to be. And that wasn't a bad idea, it could make a nice project over the winter, when they weren't occupied by other things. Warm thoughts and feelings flowed with that idea, only to be dashed by a sudden sensation of dread and danger. Kazue spun to put her back to Moriko as she frantically searched for the source of that sensation.
A few moments later she realized that the source was inside her, a tug and pull toward her faraway home. She crushed down the panic that wanted to bubble forth and turned back to Moriko, who had gone still and pale.
Moriko met her worried gaze and confirmed Kazue's fears. "We're under attack."
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In which this ficnapping first-timer tackles An Introduction to Terran Zoology by u/Still_Performance_39. I'm still a newbie author, so imagine my surprise when I'm handed one of the most popular stories on the sub. One that's received the rare honor of being approved by the fifteenth holy knight of space himself. No pressure I guess lol.
I knew what I wanted to write about, at least. I've been waiting for this series to cover the ocean, so this was the perfect opportunity to do it myself! I had to think hard about what to include; the ocean is a big place after all. See if you can guess the secret (really obvious) theme I went with! Fingers crossed I did this story justice! (Shoutout to Wikipedia btw)
Memory transcription subject: Rysel, Venlil Environmental Researcher
Date [standardized human time]: Idk sometime after Cilany’s broadcast
Brahk, brahk, brahk!
I tore across the campus, sprinting for the Terran Zoology lecture hall as fast as my legs could carry me.
I can’t believe I overslept! Of all days, it had to be today.
Dr. Bernard had teased today’s topic last time. “By now we’ve learned about animals from all over Earth, and through our simulation exercises you’ve seen for yourselves how intricate Terran ecosystems can be.” I couldn’t help but chuckle at that. Everybody’s simulated ecosystems had failed catastrophically on their first attempts. It’d taken a herd of paws for everyone to accept how necessary predators were to maintain balance in Earth’s ecosystems.
“With what we’ve learned so far, we are ready to finally tackle one of if not the most complex and vibrant ecosystems on Earth: the coral reef. This lesson even has some direct relevance to us here on Venlil Prime. You might have heard the recent news about those biologists exploring Venlil Prime’s oceans not far from here. Well, the region they’ve been studying shares many things in common with Terran coral reefs. Learning about reefs on Earth could be a useful reference point for uncovering the secrets of your own oceans. I hope to see you all tomorrow!”
I’d been so excited I could barely fall asleep. I’d also completely forgotten that Milam was away visiting family. Why did that matter? Well, without the raucous squawking of her alarm, I’d overslept, and now I was about to be late!
My lungs and legs burned, but I pressed forward. There, the lecture hall’s door was still open! I dashed inside and scrambled to my seat, gasping and wheezing as I tried to still my beating heart. I’d made it.
“Wow, Rysel, you’re right on time. That’s the latest you’ve been yet!”
I glanced to my right and saw Sandi chuckling heartily at my expense.
“I -hrrf- over -hrrf- slept,” I wheezed, “didn’t -huff- want to -huff- miss this -huff- though.”
“Hmph. Rysel, of all Venlil, oversleeping for one of the Doctor’s lessons. Never thought I’d see the day,” Kailo scoffed from my left, snuggled deep into his duvet. I supposed it was technically an insult, but there was no hostility in his tone. I knew what real anger and hostility sounded like from him, and he hadn’t done or said anything like that for some time. No, this was just Kailo being Kailo.
I flicked my tail at him in a friendly greeting. “Good paw to you too, Kailo.”
He huffed and turned away, but I didn’t miss his tail swishing under his seat.
Kailo’s changed so much since our first day. It’s like he’s a different person. Honestly, I sometimes feel like a different person too.
I’d come a long way from being scared of humans and enrolling in the exchange program for money. Now, these classes were the highlight of every paw, and I couldn’t imagine wanting to do anything else.
My reminiscing was cut short by a familiar series of sharp knocks on the doorframe. My tail whirled with glee at the sight of the familiar figure.
“Good morning everyone! How’re we all doing on this very fine paw?” Dr. Bernard greeted us with a beaming smile.
Most of us beeped out a cheery hello in response. I glanced around the room, warm contentment welling in my chest. We were no longer the nervous, skeptical, and borderline hostile class Dr. Bernard had to put up with on the first day. Now, even the shyest participants flicked a friendly greeting in his direction.
“Excellent! I’m always delighted to hear your enthusiasm. Now, just to remind you, today we’ll be taking our first proper look at one of the most beautiful biomes Earth’s oceans have to offer. I always enjoy chatting with you all, but we do have a lot to get through today. Would anyone object if we skipped the banter this time and dive straight into the material?”
Yes, I’m ready! Let’s go!
The rest of the class echoed my sentiment, beeping with varying levels of excitement and curiosity. Bernard smiled as he glanced over everyone, his gaze lingering on me. “I’m happy to see that everyone’s excited for today’s lesson.”
It was at this point that I noticed that in my excitement, I’d jumped out of my seat and lunged onto the table. Sandi was chuckling merrily, and I heard a cough from Kailo underneath his blanket cocoon. Did I say that out loud? I slowly slid back into my seat, my ears blooming hot orange from embarrassment. I knew at this point that Bernard wouldn’t take offense to my outburst, but that didn’t make it any less embarrassing for a grown man to be jumping up and down like a pup.
“Since everyone seems to be on board,” Bernard said, graciously distracting everyone from my faux pas, “let’s dive right into our ocean lesson, shall we?”
His pun was met with scattered beeps and groans, though most of the class let out merry bleats to express their excitement for the lesson. The classroom’s monitor flickered to life, and gasps echoed throughout the room. The image showed a rocky seabed covered with what looked like strangely shaped rocks in a wide array of bright colors. The fish swimming among the rocks, many of them as colorful as their environment, stood out against the deep blue background of the ocean water. Of all the gorgeous pictures of life on Earth I’d seen, none had ever been this vibrant, this full of color. It almost felt like I was looking at an art exhibit.
Wow… this develops naturally_? It’s so pretty! I wonder how the rocks form those bright colors._
“There’s really only one way to start a lecture about coral reefs, and that’s with the animals that give them their name. Coral!”
Bernard changed the screen to a close-up of the weird rocks.
“Now, at first glance, these may just look like a bunch of weird rocks.” Wait, they’re not? “But they are actually colonies of living creatures.”
Confused beeps and whispers broke out in the audience, as people tried to wrap their heads around how the objects on the screen could possibly be animals. My mind went back to our first day, when we classified a bunch of Earth creatures as prey or predator. There had been quite a few aquatic animals, and several of them hadn’t looked anything like animals. Maybe this was something like that?
It seemed my seat neighbors had come to similar conclusions, as both of them looked relatively unfazed by Bernard’s reveal, Milam instead flicking her ear in thought while Kailo leaned forward with intense focus.
“Each of these colorful formations is made up of hundreds of tiny, genetically identical individuals called polyps.”
The screen changed to a close-up shot of what at first glance looked like a fleshy plant that had grown roots into the rock, but the diagram next to it had labels that read things like “tentacle,” “mouth,” and “stomach.” Animal parts, not plant parts.
“This is an individual polyp. They are very small, typically only a few millimeters in diameter and a few centimeters in height. They anchor themselves in one place by secreting an exoskeleton of calcium carbonate from their base. From their anchored spot, they catch and eat any food that drifts by with the tentacles by their mouth. The exoskeleton they make gets left behind, allowing new generations of the colony to build on top of it. Thus, over many generations, the colony can build a skeleton like the ones you saw in the previous photo, up to several meters in size.”
So that was how it worked! It made sense once he explained it. Colonial organisms were an uncommon but familiar concept in the Federation, though they mostly consisted of various small insects. The idea of invertebrates secreting an exoskeleton was also a known concept. This was the first time I’d seen both traits in a single creature, though.
“These skeletons are the structure upon which the reef ecosystem grows, providing shelter for thousands of different species. Even though they occupy less than 0.1% of the world's ocean area, they provide a home for at least 25% of all marine species, making them one of the most diverse ecosystems on the planet.”
With the truly staggering variety of species on Earth, 25% was no small number. My ears tilted back in awe at the pictures of the reefs on screen. They were like… underwater cities! Living cities that built themselves and teemed with all kinds of wonderfully fascinating creatures.
Bernard glanced around the room, wearing his “I’m about to ask a question” smile. The question arrived soon after. “Would anyone like to guess what corals’ diet consists of?”
Let’s see… they grab things with their tentacles, but they don’t move, meaning that they have to subsist on whatever floats by. Hmmm, why does that sound familiar…
The images from our first day still floated around in my mind. Wait! That’s it! I raised my paw.
“Yes, Rysel?”
“Is it like the jellyfish from our first day? Snagging small creatures in their tentacles and pulling them into their mouths?”
Bernard grinned widely. “Excellent conclusion, Rysel. You are right, coral polyps do indeed have similar feeding habits to those of jellyfish. Both coral and jellyfish belong to the phylum Cnidaria, so you were correct to draw parallels between the two. Obviously, due to their size, any prey they catch must also be microscopic.”
My tail wagged proudly at his praise. The feeding behaviors of jellyfish had horrified me back then, but now I could take it in stride. The fact that I could even remotely navigate the humans’ complicated classification system gave me even more satisfaction. I glanced around the room. A few classmates seemed a bit uncomfortable at the mention of coral’s predatory nature, but most remained fascinated and engaged. It’d taken months, but we were finally beginning to appreciate predators as something more than monsters, even if they had to be predators that didn’t even look like animals.
“However, while corals do feed with their tentacles, that isn’t actually where most of their energy comes from. You see, most corals have evolved a symbiotic relationship with certain types of algae that live in their tissues, which they acquire from the surrounding environment. The algae produce energy through photosynthesis, which the coral can then use. Algae also aid the coral in calcification for the coral skeleton and waste removal. The algae, in turn, benefit by having a safe place to live, and by consuming the coral’s carbon dioxide and waste products as nutrients. Truly an excellent example of two species coming together for the mutual benefit of one another.”
I knew what symbiosis was, of course. Traditional Federation classes loved to highlight how different prey species united together to benefit one another. It was considered a major part of the innate empathy in prey species that predators lacked. Not only was Bernard showing us a symbiotic relationship involving what would traditionally be considered a predator, but said predator was allied with a plant, of all things!
Was this phenomenon unique to Earth, or was this yet another thing the Federation hid from all of us?
“The coral reef is filled with mutually beneficial relationships like this. Take, for example, one of the most iconic reef creatures, the sea anemone.”
With the push of a button, the screen changed to show a creature that loosely resembled a coral polyp, only bigger, more colorful, and with longer tentacles.
“Now, sea anemones are close relatives of coral, and they share many similarities. They feed in much the same way as coral, snaring prey with their stinging tentacles and drawing it into the mouth. Their diet mainly consists of small fish, crustaceans, and other appropriately sized organisms. Despite its predatory nature, the sea anemone is often considered the poster child of mutualism in the ocean.”
Bernard’s words prompted hushed murmuring throughout the classroom. I was a bit unsettled by the anemone’s predator status, but those feelings were overwhelmed by my sensation of curiosity. What was it about anemones that made their relationships so notable? I just had to know!
I turned my ears to the conversations around me. Some classmates were saying that any mutualistic relationships an anemone could have must be predatory in nature: a union with other predators to hunt and kill more efficiently. Others argued it could be something else, like the coral and algae from before. Someone suggested that the humans were wrong about them, but that notion was quickly shot down.
Everyone’s reactions made me realize just how desensitized we’d all become to “predatory” things. While the term was still uncomfortable, Bernard had, through his lessons, patiently instilled in us the idea that predators were more than wanton bloodlust and violence. There existed predators like that, of course, but with such a broad and diverse class of animals, one would expect some horrible ones due to sheer statistics. Likewise, there would be plenty of good ones.
Sea anemones are predators, yet they’re famous for their mutually beneficial relationships with other lifeforms. If someone said something like that to me months ago, I’d never have believed them. I was so certain that I knew the fundamental mechanisms of ecosystems like the back of my paw. I chuckled to myself. Stars, so much has changed since then.
“First of all, many sea anemones form symbiotic relationships with algae in the same way corals do, benefiting from their photosynthesis while offering shelter and protection in return. But that’s hardly the only relationship they’re known for.”
Bernard changed the screen to a video of an anemone. Bright orange fish with white stripes swam around its tentacles. My heart skipped a beat as one brushed up against the tentacles, but the fish seemed unaffected by the anemone’s venom, much to my relief.
“This right here is one of the most famous symbiotic relationships on Earth: the sea anemone and the clownfish. These small, colorful fish have adapted to the anemone’s stinging tentacles, allowing them to nestle among them. The anemone protects the clownfish from predators, functions as a safe nesting site, and provides food from the leftover scraps of the anemone’s meals. The clownfish, in turn, defend the anemone from its predators, provide nutrients through their excrement, and circulate the water around the anemone, improving its respiration.”
As Bernard talked, the fish on the screen frolicked around their tentacled friend, the adorable sight eliciting pleased mewls from several audience members.
They protect each other, they feed each other, and they play together too! Who knew that two wildly different species could have such a beautiful friendship, even when one of them doesn’t have a brain!
Vlek spoke up, his voice skeptical. “Excuse me Doctor. You said that clownfish feed off of anemones’ meals. They are predators as well, then?”
“One could make that argument,” Bernard replied, “clownfish are omnivorous, and primarily feed on ambient zooplankton, with their diets supplemented by their anemone’s scraps and algae. The microscopic organisms they eat are so abundant that they don’t really need to hunt; they can just munch on whatever happens to drift by.”
“Like their anemone friends!”
“Yes, Rova, like their anemone friends!”
The class seemed to have mixed feelings about the clownfish’s diet. Zooplankton being tiny, simple creatures made it easier, but some still squirmed at the thought. Personally, I didn’t think it took away from how fascinating this duo was. As I’d come to learn with most predators, their diets weren’t what defined them; they were just one of many facets of their nature.
Bernard changed the slide to a photo of a different fish. “While clownfish are the most famous species to form mutualistic relationships with sea anemones, they are hardly the only ones. Take this cardinalfish, for example…”
Bernard went on to highlight several more species with special relationships with sea anemones, each one fascinating in its own way. Fish that laid their eggs among their tentacles. Snails that used them as shelter from predators. Crabs that mounted them on their shells for defense. One type of crab even attached anemones to its claws, using them as living weapons!
Such a simplistic creature, yet it’s evolved a rich network of relationships with so many different species. No wonder Bernard called them iconic.
Kailo fidgeted next to me. Something was obviously bugging him, but he seemed hesitant to speak up.
“Before we move on, does anybody have questions?” Bernard asked smoothly. He probably noticed Kailo’s uncertainty too. He had a teacher’s eye for that sort of thing.
Kailo huffed with determination and raised his paw. “Yes, Kailo?”
“Um, all the animals you’ve talked about so far have been pred– carnivores and omnivores. Where are all the pre– herbivorous fish?”
Bernard grinned. “That’s an excellent question, Kailo. There are herbivorous fish that graze on the algae of the coral, such as the parrotfish and the rabbitfish. That said, true herbivores are relatively uncommon in the ocean. After all, there aren’t many plants around besides algae and seaweed, and a lot of the algae that is there is integrated into the bodies of coral polyps. Thus, thanks to natural selection, most underwater species consume flesh in some form.”
A few months ago Kailo would’ve exploded in anger and denial at that response, but now his ears just tilted in confusion. “But… how can that work?? How can an ecosystem with so many pred– meat eaters sustain any sort of population, let alone the vast numbers you told us?”
Several sets of ears flicked in agreement at Kailo’s question.
“Of course, given what we know about land ecosystems, it makes sense to assume that the base of the food chain would be mostly herbivores. Under the sea, however, plants are much less abundant, so that role is filled by other animals. Some creatures derive nutrition by filtering food from the water or sand, much like a plant would pull sustenance from the air and ground. Many species, especially smaller ones, reproduce frequently and in large quantities, allowing them to sustain significant populations even when predators regularly hunt them. Finally, and this is a good transition into our next section, not all carnivores are predators.”
Wait. Huh? How does that even work? Isn’t that an oxymoron?
“Well, technically they are predators to the microscopic organisms they feed on, but they certainly aren’t predators in the traditional sense.”
A new set of images appeared on the monitor, showing off a handful of small fish and crustaceans.
“Now, as I’m sure you all have noticed, most fish don’t have hands or paws.” My brain conjured an image of a fish with furry Venlil arms. I stifled a whistle at the silly thought.
“This means that they can’t groom themselves. Dead skin, infected tissue, and nasty parasites can just accumulate on their bodies, and there’s nothing they can do about it. What’s a poor fish to do? Well, that’s where these guys come in. These are cleaner fish and cleaner shrimp. They are carnivores whose diet consists of dead or infected skin and parasites from the bodies of bigger fish, like so.”
He switched the screen to two photos: the left showed a fish (the parrotfish he mentioned just now?) floating by some coral with two cleaner fish picking at it. One was nipping at its scales, the other nestled all up in its gills. On the right, a cleaner shrimp mounted the back of a different fish, presumably using its claws to pluck things off its skin.
“These cleaners congregate in areas called cleaning stations, and animals from all over the reef swim to them to get cleaned. The cleaners remove parasites and dead skin from all the hard-to-reach places, like their gills and even inside their mouths!”
The monitor now showed a video, the contents of which elicited several gasps from the audience. The spotty fish in the video had its mouth open, revealing rows of sharp, mean-looking teeth. Side-facing eyes notwithstanding, this was definitely a predator. And a cleaner fish was swimming into its mouth. On purpose. And the predator just let it. We watched for a tense moment, waiting for those jaws to clamp down, but the cleaner swam out of the mouth with no issue, and the predator fish just… left, revealing a surprisingly long body to the camera as it did.
“That was a moray eel, considered an apex predator of the coral reef. Despite that, it allowed that cleaner wrasse to clean its mouth safely, and the wrasse clearly wasn’t concerned about being eaten. Would anyone care to guess why?”
Silence filled the room as everyone thought, until Sandi raised her paw. “Well, the eel wanted to be cleaned, and it couldn’t be cleaned if it ate the cleaner, so it resisted the temptation.”
As usual, Bernard paused to allow us to digest the answer before replying. “You pretty much got it! Even predators like the moray need cleaning, and eating the cleaners is a good way to get refused service from the rest of their kin. One minor correction, though. The average customer is not tempted to eat the cleaners, even when it’s a predator. There are exceptions, of course, but customers generally aren’t hungry when they show up for cleaning, or else they’d be out hunting instead. Moreover, the cleaner’s size makes for a poor meal; hardly worth the cost of being refused service at the cleaning station in the future.”
A chatter of discussion erupted after Bernard finished his explanation. It made sense, but it was still so… odd, to think about. I listened to the scattered conversations around me.
“How could a predator ever not be hungry? Sure, humans aren’t like that, but they’re sapient! An animal couldn’t possibly control…”
“...such a beautiful relationship. To think these cleaners get their food by helping others…”
“...wonder if there are others like them?”
The chatter hadn’t yet died down when the break bell rang.
“Ah, looks like we’ll have to end our conversation here for now,” Bernard chuckled. “Not to worry, though! Part 2 of this presentation will be after lunch, in which I will talk about humanity’s relationship with reefs and highlight some more of the amazing features of reef creatures. See you in a claw!”
Aw come on, you can’t just tease us like that! I have so many questions!
Coral reefs were so cool! I’d always thought the ocean was a dark, scary place where incomprehensible terrors lurked in the depths. Who knew the seas could be so lively, colorful, and fascinating?
I can’t wait to learn more!

I’ve lived in Middlesborough for years. I can’t remember how many.
Middlesborough is, in every sense of the word, average. Every house is identical, painted a pebble shade of grey. Not white, not black, but somewhere in between. Size wise, our homes are not too big but not too small. Nothing here is breathtaking, nor is it boring. The people are much the same. Everything is just… in the middle.
I don’t remember moving here and I don’t remember where I lived before. As far as I know, I’ve always been here, and I’ve always been exactly how I am now. We don’t have names in Middlesborough, we just have numbers. The same number as our house. I’m 47. I don’t know my age. It’s not high, but it’s not low.
Every day here is the same. I wake up, have breakfast, then a shower. I read the newspaper in my living room for a couple of hours – the same newspaper I read the day before, and the day before that – then I mow the lawn. I don’t know why, because the grass never grows, but I do it anyway. Then, when the sun sets, I retreat into my house. I listen to the radio, but it’s only static. I get dressed for bed and I fall asleep.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve dreamt the same dream every single night. In it, I am sitting on a deckchair outside my house, waving to 48. He waves back. The rest of the dream is a still picture, the two of us stuck in mid wave. But, the other night, I dreamt something different.
I was in a field with a woman. She had long auburn hair that reflected the sunlight and a warm smile that made me feel safe. She laughed as she ran through the tall grass, beckoning me to follow her. Then, without warning, a deep red liquid oozed from her eyes. Shattered glass rained from the sky, little droplets piercing her skin as they brushed against her. She let out a deafening scream that turned into a screech. It was a sound I’d heard before; but I can’t remember where. Certainly not from Middlesborough.
I woke in a cold sweat, my heart pounding against my ribcage. I rested a hand on my chest to steady my breathing, and then I did something I’d never done before. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror.
I stared at my reflection for the very first time. The mirror had always been there; I know it had. I saw it every day when I washed my hands or brushed my teeth. But I'd never actually looked in it. I’d never looked at myself.
I stared, utterly transfixed by the person staring back at me. I had a small cut on my cheek. I was sure it meant something. There was something I needed to remember; I just couldn’t quite put my finger on it.
I was vaguely aware of the days passing by, yet I couldn’t look away. The cut on my cheek grew bigger and bigger until it covered one half of my face. I must have been staring for weeks, but not once in that time did I feel hungry or tired. But then, I never did, did I? I only ever ate breakfast because I knew I was supposed to, the same applied for sleep. And mowing the lawn. In fact, the same applied for everything. None of these were things I needed to do; they were things I was supposed to do.
The sound of the doorbell startled me. I tore my eyes away from the mirror and silently made my way downstairs. I didn’t know I had a doorbell. Nobody had ever rung it before.
Standing outside was a person, only smaller. Like a female, but shorter. I know there’s a name for something like her.
“Hello.” she said.
She was a child. That was it. A little girl. No children lived in Middlesborough, yet somehow, I knew what one was. How was that possible?
“Have we met before?” I asked her.
She nodded slowly, then pointed at me.
“You’re remembering.”
“What am I remembering?”
“The before.” she said. Her hair swayed softly in the breeze. We didn't have wind in Middlesborough.
The little girl looked up at the sky. I followed her gaze, craning my neck upwards.
Ouch.
A pang in my neck made me wince, and I rubbed the sore spot with the palm of my hand. I’d forgotten what pain had felt like. It had been so long, hadn’t it?
“What’s your name?” asked the girl.
“47.” I replied.
“No. Your name.”
“Charlie.” I responded. “Charlie Hopkins.”
Dizziness overpowered me and I fell to the floor, clutching my throbbing head. I heard the same scream from my dream, only it wasn’t a scream at all. It was a screech. The sound of uneasy tires dragging across asphalt.
I was leaving a party. Ava’s party. It was her 30th Birthday.
“Charlie, why don’t we just get a taxi? You shouldn’t be driving.” Ava's auburn hair blew in the cool midnight breeze.
“I’m fine.” I slurred, dizzy from the booze. “I’ve only had a couple.”
Ava protested but I wouldn’t listen.
“You coming, or not?”
We got in the car.
“Charlie, your seatbelt.” Ava said, pointing.
“It’s fine.”
Why was I driving? I shouldn’t be driving.
Loud music vibrated throughout the car, the smoke from my cigarette danced in the air. Ava laughed as we sped through the night.
We drove past our old Secondary School – the place we first met. Then we drove past the field where we shared our first kiss. I rounded the corner, my eyelids growing heavy. I missed the stop sign. How could I have missed the stop sign?
There was a loud screech as the tires of the oncoming car tried desperately to brake. I was thrown headfirst through the windshield, my skull cracking as it collided with the cold, hard ground. My face skidded against the asphalt, shredding the skin from one half of my face. With a broken arm, I reached up to my head and felt the warmth of my brain as it spilled onto the road. I craned my broken neck to the clouds above, thick grey smoke filling my lungs. Shards of glass fell from the sky, raining down on me.
“Charlie.” said the little girl. I was back in Middlesborough, looking down at the child.
“You were in the other car.” I whispered. She nodded.
I looked up at the sky. It was starting to rain.
“Are you-”
“No.” she said. “I survived. Everyone did. Everyone but you.”
“Where am I?” I asked, though I already knew.
“In the Middle.”
“Will I be here long?”
The little girl shrugged and walked away. I wanted to call after her, to tell her I’m sorry, to tell her I was an idiot, and I shouldn’t have been driving. I had so many questions, but the more that came to mind the foggier they seemed. Why was I standing by my front door? Was someone just here? Who had I been talking to?
I went inside and sat down on the sofa. I was meant to be doing something, wasn’t I? What was it?
Ah yes, I was reading the paper. The same paper I read yesterday, and the same one I’ll read tomorrow. Because nothing changes here in Middlesborough. The grass doesn’t grow, and things are always the same. Not bad, not good... but somewhere in the middle.

(it doesn't matter as long as you have a kind heart and likes to stream games, likes the same things as well and cleans behind himself) 42 year old woman and into anime, anime figures, yt manhuas, mangas, ps 4or5 rpg games (it can also be on mobile or pc) but, i cook and clean, i have teeth issues from an inherited gum disease i hate it i am depressed from it and i never smile or eat at restaurants because of it i wish i had permanent teeth implants not gonna lie, i don't smoke unless my nerves get bad, and i don't do drugs. Is there a male version of me that cleans and cook and likes the same things im into at this age and would like to be friends with me im not attractive so i looking for friends only and i do have pictures of me? (I have Facebook messager and i can video chat but will cover my mouth tho)

My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years and we have a 3 year old son. I'm very extroverted and have a lot of friends while my husband is very introverted and only has 3 friends who all happen to be female. Over the past year and a half, he got very close to one of them but I never put the kibosh on it because he has so few friends. Just at the beginning of May he had a couple nights where he did not come home because he was at her house. On the second night that he did not come home, I waited up for him and confronted him when he came in the front door. I gave him the ultimatum to either stop talking to her or to leave. At first he decided to stop talking to her and to work on our relationship. However, after a few days, he decided it wasn't worth it after we had done a silly marriage workbook and I just ended up asking him about accountability. I wanted to know what kept him from doing this again or what kept him from abandoning me when something more so severe in my life may be going on like ill physical or mental health. He has also done other things like spend $500 on a stripper on my last birthday when he was on a work trip out of town, and then after I had my son he racked up more than $800 in bills on only fans. He thought about it for a moment and told me that he was only going to hurt me again and again, and that there was no reason to try. I ended up convincing him to stay and that it would be worth trying for to keep stuff together for our family.
However, a couple days later I caught him messaging her again. I confronted him and he told me that while he loved me, he wasn't romantically in love with me. That I wasn't meeting his needs and I didn't understand him like she did. At this point we were still having sex at least twice a week. I helped him get his green card. I helped him get his license back. I bought him a new car every time he wrecked one. And I just helped him get into college. It was also smoking anywhere from 100 to $300 worth of weed every week, and I was just taking it on the chin and figuring out our finances around it. At this point, I just asked him to leave. He cried and moaned while I made him pack a bag, and was upset that I was asking him to leave which would prevent him from being there for our son. However, I told him if he remained I wouldn't be able to be there for our son, and that's what mattered the most to me.
He ended up leaving and staying with his stepdad. According to his mother and his sister, he's been taking money from his dad because he said I was still receiving his paychecks (which I am not) and that he has been into his dad's medical cabinet to try to take painkillers and his dad's diabetic needles. The girl that he is hooking up with has mental health issues and with drug usage. He also has prior issues with drug usage. He's also been switched psych medications four times in the past year.
At one point he offered to reconcile and just get to come home by stopping seeing her. But I told him that there was way more that we would need to work on before he could come home. He ended up going back to her and then trying to come back to me. And then just yo-yoing between the two of us for several weeks before he eventually decided to just pick her. He's now trying to blame the end of our marriage on me for being a "mean bitch who is no fun" and that I'm not accountable for my actions in ending this. However, I had overlooked so much of his previous bad behavior to remain in a relationship with him so my son would have a father. I tried to get him to help me understand what I had done wrong, and he told me that I was impossible to communicate with which is why he never communicated his needs to me.
He has also told me that he doesn't want any more kids, and that he doesn't believe in God. He told me that co-parenting our son will be fine, even though I've told him how much my parents divorce at a similar age deeply ended up wounding me as a child. He thinks just because he's going to be around some. It's better than his father who wasn't around at all. However, I told him sometimes it's more painful to have your dad two cities away living a life with a new family than it is to have an immovable image completely gone from your life.
He talks about co-parenting our son, but he is only seeing him a handful of times in the month that he's been gone. Most of those occasions have been at my suggestion and I have also been present. He's also stood us up once because he told me he had gone to the woods to contemplate suicide instead of meeting up with us. He doesn't call our son every night even though a FaceTime call with him would probably only last like 2 to 5 minutes. He's only sent me $320 to deal with expenses in the month that he has been gone along with getting our son a haircut. At each of these meetings he starts off by being horrible to me and rude. By the end, he's softened and does whatever he can to spend as much time with me and my son before he leaves. Even after my son goes to bed he wants to hang out and smoke a joint together. However, this last time he came to drop our son off, he got really sore at me because one of our mutual friends had sent him pictures of a conversation I had with them. In the conversation, I had Said that my husband and this girl are in a codependent cabal, and the only thing that they have in common are poor morals and bad teeth. He was upset by that but all of it was true. Now he refuses to see me or communicate with me. He told me that he wants to be friends but I can't say mean stuff like that. However, he says a bunch of mean things to me all the time about me being a horrible wife and how perfect this new woman is. Both of us want to be friends for the benefit of our son, but I just don't think I have it in me. He always says things to me to make me feel low, and he acts like I should just be over it even though it hasn't even been a month yet.
My life has completely changed and I feel so much grief over the life I thought I had, the partner I thought I had, and the future that I thought I had. It feels like a devil has crawled into his skin and is walking around pretending to be him. I feel so much resentment being left to pick up the pieces of our life and to hold everything together for our son. He gets to go run away and fuck someone new, while I have to be strong and stoic. I don't understand how I can be friends with someone who's hurt me so much and has cared so little. He's going to miss out on so much of our son's life and he doesn't even care. He's just convinced himself that life with me would be miserable. Even though we had so many good times together, and I had always tried my hardest to make him happy and to make sure our family's needs were met. He didn't even want to go to therapy and he didn't even want to try to start things over by dating me again. I'm just so disappointed.
I don't know where to go from here. I am definitely talking to a divorce lawyer. I worry about whether or not he's using drugs, and whether or not he'd be safe around our son. I definitely don't want this woman around our son and he doesn't see the big deal with it. Should I just cut him out of my life? Should I cut him out of my son's life? Should I try to be friends with him? It's all so hard because it's just all so shocking and I still love him. Part of me wants to reconcile but also part of me is starting to realize how easy my life is without him around. He's also also kept trying to make reconciliation not an option. What should I do?

Im researching it right now. Was driving on the highway, my teeth started vibrating so i pulled over and called my mom, she didn't answer, and then my whole body started to vibrate, and before i knew it my hands were pinned to my chest and i was on the phone with 911. Thank god for Siri, there was no chance i could've dialed. My hands looked exactly as this person https://imgur.com/a/ayF83 posted a picture of, and circulation was totally cut off there. I couldn't move shit . barley could move my mouth. im still so discombobulated typing this its been a few hours. I'm kind of confused. read some other people's testimony and they all said they could not breathe, but i was totally fine on breathing. very convineietyly my chest wasn't feeling tight, my nostrils were wide open, and my breathing was very good. that honestly was probably the difference of me not having to get in the ambulance. i as able to clearly speak to the 911 operator. told them the mile marker i was at, what my car looked like, but i did at one point believe i was going to pass out. I wanted to pass out, and just wake up in a bed feeling better, but after closing my eyes for a minute or so i felt alert enough to communicate again. by the time state troopers got there i could move my legs so i used my foot to unlock the door. talked to them for a bit and i slowly but surley started to get my extremeties back. i talked to the paramedics and all them nah i dont do narcotics nah idont be on nictine nah i didnt smoke weed today (even though i told tem im coming from my frinds house sounded so sus) if i wasn't a clean looking 18 year old they would've thogut i was a tweaker. within like half an hour my mom had picked me up bc i called her and my dad. ultimatley i was okay. it's just strange. I don't have a history with anxiety, but the things that lead up to it are thiings that have happened often before. I'm about 99% that too much caffeine intake caused this. all my life since i started using caffeine (im not a daily user) ive been very careful about it. like no more than 180mg in a day thats the MAXIMUM. but today i went to starbucks in the morning with my girlfriend, i got a 16oz mocha frappe whcih i searched it up it has like 110 mg caff and then later in the day since i was driving so much and was getting tired i had a celcius (200mg caffeine) but had not been eating nearly enough. just one full meal. So yeah, sorry if this is the wrong sub for this since i don't have too much of a history with anxiety besides jittering when i need to focus, but i figure people like me in the future would be glad to find this post if they're searching on google like i was. i am a little nervous about getting in a car again. I've cancelled anything for the next few days that involves driving over like 20 mins. thanks for reading and any advice/tips/shared experiences would be appreciated!!!! PS - I forgot to mention what was going on before my tetth atrted vibrating and stuff.. i was having random moments of panic because i kept feelign randomly spacey. like i would take a breath and just forget to breathe out for too long and then exhale and just feel freaked out. that just kep happening until it all unfolded.

Last night a stray kitten came running onto my porch screaming. Looked to be injured and I’m gushing she’s at least 5 weeks or more based on size. I brought her inside, gave her food, water, and a bath. She’s got a ton of discharge around her eyes and nose, so I’m thinking conjunctivitis but I’m really hoping it’s not FHV as I have other cats. I tried to isolate her as best as possible but the other cats keep getting into my room to get a look so trying to limit contact with these sneaky jerks around has been really difficult. Vet isn’t open until Monday and the emergency vet is too far for my crappy car to make the drive. I’ve been cleaning here eyes and while I was checking her out I also went to check her mouth for any ulcers and ended up finding a canine loose and pretty much hanging by a literal thread. I don’t wanna touch it in case it hurts her or she gets an infection.
I took the best picture of her face I could but she wasn’t sitting still. I’ve just been trying to clean her face with a warm and wet washcloth until meds can be taken.
I know kittens lose baby teeth but I didn’t think they lost them at 5 weeks unless it happened while she was playing. She’s mostly been playing with soft toys so I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s how it got loose.
What can I do to treat the eye and nose infection until I get her to the vet on Monday and what should I do about the tooth for now?

I did Lucky Lake camping last year for my first Forest 🌳⚡️🧚🏼‍♀️ That said, I feel like it’s worth making a post about it to help out Forest fam.
2023 was their first year having Lucky Lake as a camping option, and thus there was limited info about it, so I didn’t really know much of what to expect. Gonna do my best to share pros and cons and be as objective as possible while also sharing my personal Lucky Lake experience. 🤓
Skip to the end for TLDR version
(CON: Initial confusion and disorganization stemming from HQ)

• Not sure if it was just my friend and I, but from the start, we got limited guidance from staffing on where exactly to go. Once we finally found the Lucky Lake camping area, there was no structure to the campgrounds. They did not have the camping areas marked off, so some people had tiny camp setups and some had huge setups, just depended on the size of the groups and how much they decided to bring. It was also basically just a “find a good spot and that’s your camp” situation, so that was kind of nice cause we were able to find some trees. There was actually lots of trees in our campground, especially compared to GA, so that was a general plus in my book for the whole weekend. Heads up - I may be staying the obvious here but the camp spots up on and close by the lake were filled up first, so if that’s a must for you, best to do RV camping or Tuesday arrival if you’re tent camping. For some weird reason, they did not allow us to have our cars at our campsite like in GA? We had to take our cars and go park them in a separate nearby parking lot. We were told by staff that it was so they could make sure there was still enough room for all of the camp setups (we arrived on Wednesday, so assuming they were meaning for the folks who hadn’t gotten there yet for Thursday arrivals). Buttttt this was a bit frustrating, because that’s really on HQ to make sure the campgrounds didn’t get oversold and that there’s plenty of room, for the tickets that did get sold. This bummed us a bit not being able to have our car, as we were planning on that for periodic AC, electronics charging, and safekeeping of our valuables. We also paid extra for a vehicle pass, so that sucked. People were initially pushing back on it and not moving their cars, and in our case, we were still unloading our stuff from the car and setting up camp; it was about that time that staff started coming around saying cars would get towed if they weren’t moved to the parking lot (and I did end up seeing 2 tow trucks passing through our campgrounds a bit after that). We had to tell several staff members that we would move our car once we were done unloading, cause they kept coming by rushing us. Mind you - the campgrounds were not even getting packed and never did. When we moved our car to the lot, was no markings or structure whatsoever as to how everyone parked. Some people were crooked, some taking up a ton of space, etc. For the rest of the weekend, the campgrounds were very spacious and it ended up working out ok. Here’s to hoping that in 2024 and moving forward, there’s some more organization with these things!! If for some reason they pull this again, the walk to the parking lot (depending upon where your campsite is) isn’t super close. It was about a 5-7 minute long walk for us.

(PRO: The lake!!!)

• The lake itself and the setup from HQ for it was honestly perfect. It was clean (by lake standards lol) had a soft sandy beach, a shaded structure with some benches, and lakeside sets by at least one, but probably a few different, DJs throughout the daytime. It was Friday around 1 PM, the DJ was playing tropical house, Forest fam around me was vibing, there were bubbles dancing around me, sun beaming on my body, gently getting rocked by the water hitting my float, and the temperature of the cool lake water - altogether was absolutely surreal. The vibes were truly unmatched and it was a perfect way to cool off during the daytime after the workshops and before going into the forest. Pro tip - bring your own floats, pool noodles, water games, etc. If they allow it, I may even bring my inflatable paddle board next time!

(CON: No HQ-hosted bonfires?)

• This one I may be wrong on, if I am, please comment. Part of the camping pass perks was that there would be “HQ hosted bonfires” exclusive to Lucky Lake. But to my knowledge, there was never any bonfires over the entire weekend, and I think there was supposed to be one per night. I heard a rumor from fellow Lucky Lakers that it was allegedly happening somewhere around 6-8 PM every night, so of course that’s basically when everyone is in the forest and not at camp. I was looking forward to some s’mores and bonfire vibes, so that was disappointing to not be able to experience. I’m still sticking with the notion that they never happened though, because knowing EF, pictures from the bonfires would’ve been on their socials. This was supposed to be one of the biggeunique perks of the Lucky Lake pass actually.

(PRO: The AC restrooms & complimentary unlimited showers)

• For me, this was a huge plus to have bathrooms that had a closable stall door, the toilet could flush, it never was out of toilet paper, air-conditioned, with a sink, mirror, and plenty of hand soap. Our campsite was close to some portapotties so we’d use those for a quick #1, but for anything else, brushing our teeth, washing our face, etc, those bathrooms were so worth it. I do wish they would’ve done like an East and a West bathroom/shower station across the Lucky Lake campgrounds for convenience. I only knew of the one station. The complimentary showers were great for me too; to be able to shower as much as I wanted to, and at any time of the day. They did run out of hot water once or twice, but thankfully for me, that was during the day and actually was kind of a nice way to cool off. Little cold exposure therapy! Lol. Cause that water was VERY cold.

(PRO: Ice sales and dedicated food vendor)

• Unsure if these folks were associated with EF (going to assume so) but a few times we were able to get more ice bags from people selling and delivering it through our campground on the back of a pickup truck. Not sure if they do this for every campground since it was my first Forest, but this was really nice, to not have to walk far for more ice and then have to haul it back to camp. The ice was like $10 for a small bag though, sooooo that hurt. Would love it if the prices weren’t gouged so high for ice. We also had at least one, possibly more?, food vendor setup in our campground. One morning I got a smoothie and a breakfast burrito from them, it was yummy and of course convenient not having to walk to Main Street or wait for a shuttle.

(CON: Close to the afters)

• This may or may not be a con for folks, depending upon your vibe. The afters were near the south entrance at the corner of GA, which is literally next door to Lucky Lake. So if you’re into that, the walk is short. Personally, most nights I was asleep by 1-2 AM and awake by 7-8 AM. But you’ll hear the afters music till about 5:00-5:30 AM. The vibe for Lucky Lake campgrounds was pretty much like what I did; mostly quiet and dark and chill during those hours. I got lucky and had some great neighbors (shoutout to the amazing group of Canadian travel nurses!) so people around us were very considerate and quiet. I had a white noise speaker, earplugs, and an eye mask, and was actually able to get some rest most nights. But the Zeds Dead afters were going harddd and that particular night it was difficult to sleep. I think I still have Skanka by Hamdi permanently burned into my brain from that night lol.

(PRO: The shuttle service to Tripolee)

• Although we didn’t take advantage of it as much as we should have, and definitely will do more of next time, the shuttle service was great. I think one came by every 15 minutes and was never even close to a full shuttle anytime I used it. It cuts down on a ton of walking. If you look at the map, it’s on basically the complete opposite side of the grounds as Sherwood Court. Camp Blueberry for GA sort of situation, but not quite as far. This shuttle also naturally puts you close to Main Street, which is nice.

All-in-all, I loved the Lucky Lake camping experience and would for sure do it again. I’m hoping this post is helpful for Forest fam, and would love to see thoughts and opinions from other 2023 Lucky Lakers. Glad to answer any questions as well!
TLDR: Highly recommend Lucky Lake. Just be aware of the cons beforehand, and hopefully 2 of those 3 cons will be resolved for this upcoming EF.
Happy Forest 🌲✨

This is a in-dept guide for those who are hoping to experience the Sunrise Express. This will be broken down into five main sections: booking your tickets, getting the tickets, getting to the train, aboard the train, and exiting the train/station. Please note that this is all anecdotal so YMMW
Booking Your Tickets:
TLDR: Book 1 month in advance the moment tickets become available, pre-fill the information on the site so that you can hit search the moment 10:00am JST rolls around, and select 1 passenger as the number of passengers regardless of being a party of 1 or 2.
There is an English version of the JR west website where you can book your tickets if you cannot read Japanese. While the English version of the site does not explicitly point this out, there are two types of rooms on the Sunrise Express that can sleep two people. There is the Single Twin room and the Twin room. The Single Twin room is in a bunk bed configuration and has less space whereas the Twin room has the beds side by side and there is more space. These rooms tend to sell out extremely quickly, within 3 minutes of release for purchase, as you are competing with people others who are trying to book them online and JR staff helping people book in person. Reservation for tickets open 1 month in advance at 10:00am JST and that's when you'll need to make the reservation if you want to get yourself any type of twin rooms. I've seen other posts online stating that you have a better chance of booking the twin style rooms at a station in person, but that wasn't an option for me so I can't confirm nor deny that will increase your odd of getting yourself a twin style room.
When it comes to the actual booking, be sure to double check details of your route to ensure that the stations you select are applicable. For example, the train stops at Osaka station when the train is headed for Tokyo, but skips Osaka station when the train is leaving from Tokyo. To book the train, I suggest having multiple tabs open with the necessary information on the site prefilled such that you can click on search button the moment 10:00am JST comes around. Also, you should have your credit card handy so that you're ready to pay assuming you're able to get a room. Since you're likely travelling with another person when booking a twin style room, both you and your travelling companion should do this to further increase your odds of booking the room. Booking the twin room (beds are side by side) is a bit easier since you can pre-select the train and twin as the room type. However, if you'd like book the single twin room (bunk bed configuration) you can pre-select just the train. After 10:00am JST and hitting search, you will then select "Sleeper Car B". For more details on a break down of how to book the different room types, take a look at the post by u/NightHawkCanada here. The next portion will focus on booking the twin room. Unfortunately I don't have any experience booking the single twin room so I won't be able to comment on that.
With the information pre-filled, click on search at 10:00am JST. You'll be brought to a page asking you to select a smoking or non-smoking room. Even though I don't smoke, I selected the smoking room as that was the only option available. I was concerned about the room potentially smelling like cigarettes, but at least for the twin room I rode in, it was a non-issue. Once you've selected a room, you will be asked for the number of passengers. Even though there were 2 of us who were going to be sleeping the room, my understanding is that you're supposed to put 1 as the number of passengers. According to the Google translated version of the Japanese version of the site:

As the price is set per room, please select "1 adult" for the number of guests whether you are booking for 1 or 2 people (including children)

If anyone has had success with reserving a twin room when putting 2 as the number of passengers, please let us all know. After putting in the number of passengers, you'll need to fill out your name, email, a 4 digit confirmation pin that you'll later use, and your credit card information. Make sure you use a credit card that you plan to bring with you when you will be riding the Sunrise Express and that you DO NOT lose your confirmation pin. You'll be asked to confirm your information and assuming all goes well you will receive an email from [westjr@jr-odekake.net](mailto:westjr@jr-odekake.net) confirming that your reservation is complete. I was charged 21,320 yen for the room and 8,910 yen for 1 basic fare ticket for a trip from Osaka to Tokyo.
Getting the Tickets:
TLDR: Get your reserved tickets from a green vending machine using your credit card and confirmation pin. Buy another basic fare ticket if you are party of 2 and only received 1 basic fare ticket from the vending machine.
You're able to receive tickets from a ticket vending machine or a station attendant right after you reserve them; you don't have to wait till the date that you'll board the train to get your ticket. Please note that you are only able to receive your tickets during certain times of day as station booths with attendants and vending machines are not 24/7. For more information on when tickets can be received by station, check the JR West website here. To get my tickets, I used one of the green vending machines, inserted the credit card I used to pay for the ticket online with and supplied the 4 digit confirmation pin. For a step by step guide with pictures on how to use the green vending machine to receive your tickets, follow the link here. Assuming you want to get receipt you will end up with four slips of green paper. They will be your ticket for the room,1 basic fare ticket, and your 2 receipts for the 2 tickets.
As you may have noticed, I said that I got 1 basic fare ticket from the vending machine even though there are going to be 2 people sleeping in the twin room. At the time, I was also a bit suspicious of it asked the information booth about it and they said it was okay even though there were 2 us and only had 1 basic fare ticket. However, due to the language barrier there was likely some miscommunication and I would later confirm my suspicions that for 2 people you would need 2 basic fare ticket. Assuming you are a party of 2, you will need to purchase another basic fare ticket that matches the one you just got from the vending machine i.e if you got a basic fare ticket for Osaka station to Tokyo station from the vending machine, buy another one. Before you board the train, you should ideally have 1 ticket for the room and 2 basic fare tickets. Luckily if you made the same mistake that I did, it isn't the end of the world and the attendants at the gate area can assist.
Getting to the Train:
TLDR: Get to the station 30-45 minutes early and the gate attendants are your best friend if anything goes wrong.
I strongly recommend, getting to the station about 30-45 minutes early, especially if you have luggage, so that you have ample time to deal with any unexpected issues and find your train platform. Even if you arrive a little too early there is likely a waiting area for you to rest at to wait for the train. The first challenge we faced was figuring out what platform was going to be departing from. Your best friend here is making sure to follow the signs for the JR lines and then finding one of the screens showing the trains and platform information. The information on the screens cycle between Japanese and English fairly. If you had 2 basic fare tickets, you could each go through the gate by putting in your ticket through the gate as normal; DO NOT throw away your basic fare ticket as you will need it on the train and to exit your arrival station.
However, since we did not have 2 basic fare tickets and the ticket booths and vending machines were closed, we had to work with the gate attendants to figure out a resolution. Using my very limited Japanese and Google translate, we were eventually able to get a stamped pieced of paper that according to Google translate meant this person entered at Osaka station. After getting pass the gate and arriving at the platform, we waited the aforementioned rest area till the train came. About 5 minutes before the train is set to arrive, take the time to figure out where the car your reserved room will be pulling up at using the guide on the floor so that you don't have to sprint to the correct entrance. Worst case you can find the correct car while on the train, but the passageways are fairly narrow so if you have rolling luggage it will be fairly inconvenient.
Aboard the Train:
TLDR: You can buy a basic fare ticket on the train using cash for the same price as if you bought it at the station or reserved a ticket online.
Assuming you boarded the train using the correct entrance, finding your room using the numbers on the wall is fairly simple; maneuvering with rolling luggage and backpacks not so much. Shortly after settling into the room and departing from the station, the conductor stopped by. We were very worried that there would be a huge up charge to buy a ticket on the train, but we were pleasantly surprised and it was just the same 8,910 yen for 1 basic fare ticket. From what I could tell, you would have to pay in cash and they should be able provide change, but since we paid the exact amount I can't confirm. The conductor will then issue you a paper ticket that you need to hold on to and show to the gate agent at your destination station.
The twin room has a little cubby area that is just big enough to store 2 standard carry on sized rolling luggage. The room was fairly alright and had a huge window. There are communal areas, sinks with mirrors to brush your teeth, fairly roomy bathrooms, and shower rooms that require you to purchase a shower card. Unfortunately, they were already all sold out when we went to try to purchase one. I suspect that if you want a shower card you'll likely have to be one of the passengers boarding fairly close to if not at the stations where the train departs. If you want food while on the train, you'll have to bring your own as there is no food served on the train and the vending machines only sell drinks. My two complaints are the room has 1 plug and you're not gonna get the most restful sleep as it isn't exactly quiet and it is a bumpy ride.
Tips:

• Bring body wipes in case you can't get a shower card
• Bring your own towel for the shower
• Bring your own tooth brush and tooth paste
• Bring a power strip or a power brick that can charge multiple devices
• Ear plugs and eye mask may help you get some better sleep
• Buy food before hand
• Bring motion sickness medication or avoid all together if you motion sickness easily

Exiting the Train/Station:
TLDR: Get ready to exit the train 5-10 minutes before your stop, especially if you have rolling luggage, so you don't miss it.
The train will announce the stations that it will be arriving at in both Japanese and English so you don't have to worry about missing your stop too much; it also helps when your destination is the last stop. That said, I suggest getting ready to exit the train about 5-10 minutes early especially if you have rolling luggage to make sure that you're able to exit the train as the doors tend to only be open for a few minutes.
When exiting the station, if you have 2 basic fare tickets you can each feed them into gate machines and they will "eat" them. However, if you do not have 2 basic fare tickets and had a ticket issued by the conductor like us, you will be giving the standard basic fare ticket and the ticket from the conductor to the gate agent. You can keep the ticket for the room as a souvenir if you'd like.
Overall the Sunrise Express was a pretty fun experience and I would love to do it again. Thanks for taking the time to read this guide and I hope this helps anyone who is planning to take a trip on the Sunrise Express - safe travels!

( firstly, I'll be posting this for a friend of mine, the following is what they've typed up, just doesn't have a reddit themselves )
So back in April of 2023, I became friends with a “fursuit creator” on Tiktok. I really loved their content, specifically a tail they were making and I messaged them at first to see if I could use a similar style for one of my sonas(my first fursuit). They said I could and all was good. I kept in contact with them as a friend and since I was also really interested in their work. I loved their sonas and watching their progress. Anyway, they were looking for some dino masks and I had a few spares, so they offered a trade. I would give them three dinos, one of which was my first ever dino I got (and customized) and her nub tail. I also paid around $50 USD dollars(Not counting the shipping to the uk…) as extra for what they were making for me. In return, they were supposed to make me a nub tail and handpaws. After the design was picked, I decided to make a fursona to go with it. I then decided I wanted to add to the trade and make it an actual commission. We talked and settled on a price, almost $1000 USD(I paid $1000 USD flat, cause I wanted to give the extra support to them and I really really loved the sona she was making). I would like to add, I sold my first fursuit to pay for this one. While I was making payments they said they would start the work for the suit. According to them, they had trouble buying the first headbase(it was supposed to be a kimono style 3D printed head) so we settled and went for a foam head base instead. They got that headbase in September or August and I finished paying it off in July 2024. The last photo I saw of any progress was in August, and it was of the foam base they were cutting out to make the pattern for the teeth. I kept my cool for a while, I’d ask for updates but tried not to be pushy. It would always be some excuse and they'd tell me they would get me pictures in a few days, a few days would pass and there would be nothing. They also would tell me it would be done by one point and then something would come up that always pushed it back. In April of this year, I finally had enough waiting. I told them I wanted to see progress or I wanted a refund. I was told that according to their TOS I couldn't get a refund and that they would send photos when they could. They said its taken so long because of health reasons and because of complications with the other commission they are working on(They also told me at one point that the other commissioner wanted to back out in January or February). During the year in which they had to work on my suit, I have seen them make several other personal suits on their Tiktok. I can understand being sick or having too much of a workload, and I'm sympathetic to those things, but pairing it with everything else I just feel screwed over. It’s a lot of money that I have lost and since I sold my first suit to cover this one, I don't have any fursuit now. I still really love the character I made for this but I really don't want a suit from this person anymore. And I told them this, I also told them at this point just keep the money too since I just don't see it being worth the hassle to get back, and to that they responded with something along the lines of “I'm still making this suit and I'll let you know when it is done.” Even if she made the suit, would it be wrong of me to deny it? Cause I’d still have to pay shipping and putting more money into this isn't something I wanna do…I’m really lost and confused about all of this cause it's my first time commissioning something this big and it backfired so bad, I just would like some advice on how I should move forward on this.

I need help figuring out what kind of bug this was.... calling all BUG PEOPLE!!
So I was laying in the grass and I had a bug bite my arm. I looked down in the grass and there was a bug that looked like it was burrowed. I pulled it out of the ground and it was the weirdest bug I've ever seen. It had the body of an earthworm, except it was very short. It did not have any legs. Maybe about an inch long. But it had these strange pincheteeth things that it bit me with. It was in upstate NY Edit:unfortunately the picture did not save of the bug. And it was a few days ago so I don't have a picture of the bite.

Ok this is going to be a long one but this is my first ever post about my life this is a burner account. My girlfriend (f 31) of 14 years broke up with me (m 32) a few months ago and we still live together we broke up because I let myself get too far gone. I suffer from depression and anxiety as well as PTSD from having an abusive schizophrenic mother who's a narcissist, I also got into gangs when I was young to give you some background anyway our problems started almost a year into our relationship i didn't know i had PTSD yet but I got into fights with friends and even my dad a man I respect and am closer to than anyone other than my ex and my kids anyway I always had fits and one day she tried to hit me and I smacked her hand to the table she fractured her arm and I took her to the hospital she panicked and made up something about being jumped and the cops came and I think she told them I was the cause after a while but renigged her statement later they interrogated me for hours at the station I knew not to tell the police the truth is I felt bad I felt guilty I loved her so I told the truth we both missed each other and she lived with me and my parents we rented an apartment from my dad and him and my mom lived in another at the time we had a no contact order but she got on the phone when I called my parents and pretended to be someone else and we talked and they brought it up in court I ended up having to take a dv charge I was set to win the case but they used the phone calls against us and threatened charges on her and my parents if i didn't plead guilty so I pleaded guilty and when I got out she got pregnant she was working a good job at the time but she got into a car accident she already took a pregnancy test so we knew she was pregnant and I was happy I knew she would make a good mother and I knew i wanted her to be the mother of my children and my forever since the day we met we had already had a miscarriage and she had a whole in her heart from a child that she took care of in her past relationship she was a runaway and had past trauma of her own her mother was abusive as well and every boyfriend she ever had abused her I was supposed to be different I didn't know I was so broken if I knew I had PTSD I would have left her alone but we fell in love deeply I want to say nothing happened when she was pregnant but it did we got into a bad argument and I kicked the basinet and it hit her in the stomach immediately snapped out of it after that nothing else happened until the baby was born our child was born 3 weeks premature and was my pride and joy still is my ex had postpartum so I spent a lot of time with the baby and because of the accident my ex was passing out and having seizures which later we found out were psudo seizures but they felt real and sometimes she passed out or had a seizure and woke up not knowing where she was who she was who I was but she said my voice calmed her down and I was always able to bring her back to reality she got a few concussions from her seizures but also a few from me if I'm being honest I went to the neurologist with her because of the concussions she got from the seizures but to later give her one I was disgusted with myself but she couldn't work anymore so I looked for job i couldn't find anything so I worked for the apartments under the table but that dried up I found something else it dried up too I kept looking but it was useless I had to move back in with my parents with my ex and our first born they had a 3 bedroom and we paid them well she did I eventually got on SSI because of the physical pain from my mother's abuse bipolar disorder depression and PTSD I already went to get help when my ex was pregnant because I wanted to know why I was doing what I was doing my parents wanted me to get a check so they sent me to the counselor but I wanted to get help with my relationship and being honest helped me get my diagnosis but I lost that counselor like I lost every counselor I ever actually felt i could actually open up to anyway we are in my parents house and my mom is a big trigger for me we were paying rent and she accused us of stealing even coming in our room uninvited by then she was pregnant with our youngest and I wasnt perfect then either I was still struggling with my PTSD I did for years I pushed her in the closet and told her she couldn't leave my mom was there watching a constant trigger I snapped out of it but things got bad between my ex and my mom and they started to fight each other never physical but verbal and after she had the baby she almost died she lost a lot of blood I didn't know if I could trust my mom with the baby so I didn't go I still regret that decision but when she came back we waited for a few more and I used my back pay to get her a car and to get out of my mom's house our oldest has high spectrum autism and is really smart and talkative but after that short time living with my parents she developed selective mutism and we had to take her to speach therapy so we put up with roaches for 15 months just to get away from my mom and at the new place she got her lick back she was trying to beat on me and she was trying to stab me from time to time i had a PTSD attack and it would be back and forth but to be honest this started a new problem i was young and I used to flirt i kissed a girl once when we first started dating it was an ex she also slept with her ex best friend before I got locked up again just background truth is i was a flirt for a few years I was young and still searching for the approval i never got from my mom in other women I'm not proud of it though I was talking to women on Craigslist friends only and casual encounters sadly I wasn't trying to cheat i wanted someone i didn't know to talk to about my problem I stopped talking to all my female friends and she stopped talking to her male friends at each other's requests because of the cheating and I stopped talking to anyone that would be around a lot of women and all my other friends were either too gangster to listen or already in happy situations so I wanted to talk to a stranger that was a woman for advice I don't know what it is but women give better advice so I foolishly went to Craigslist and got caught but I ended up actually cheating months later with an ex that I thought I could be friends with but she was my first love and I told her some of what I was going through and we ended up having sex I was feeling guilty and took forever to get hard she had an IUD it was horrible tbh and on top of that she tried to 3 way my ex just to get me to admit it was her after my ex called her and acted like she wasn't the one i cheated with the whole time she tried to ruin my relationship after that after a year of trying and going to specialist my ex got her own SSI check and we got out of our roach infested apartment things were ok I had been trying to work on my triggers and had way less PTSD attacks and things were better for a few years she had a problem with me liking pictures on Instagram and I admit I hate being told what to do especially when I feel I'm doing nothing wrong and I was liking everything not just girls and I never commented anything but where did you get that shirt my girl would love that or happy birthday or thank you and I never slid in dms none of that I just liked pictures and I worked on it eventually because it was the only thing we argued about after a while but then everything changed we got into a big fight and I called her a name she ran at me got on the bed and punched me in the jaw so hard like I'm pretty tough I been hit in the face with a bat and when I tell you she hit me she hit me and when she went to hit me again I just reacted I flipped her then I blacked out I woke up and my hands were wrapped around her neck I snapped out of it and my parents took her to the hospital another thing I never learned to drive my step dad the man I call dad is a good man and a hard worker but he was a drug addict and a thug who was a alcoholic so he never had a license my whole life and my mom was to selfish to teach me I was always to poor for lessons my girl is the best driver I know but never taught me because she would say things like I'll be cheating as soon as I learn to drive so I never learned I regret that too anyway they took her to the doctor and she tore her hamstring I tried to take care of her but she wasn't having it she didn't stay rested she stayed on her feet one time she even punched me when I tried to help we were still in love but it was dying we eventually made up but every year after that she was telling me she needed help telling me she was falling out of love she asked me to help around the house I was lazy at the beginning of our relationship and I got used to her cleaning but by the time we got out of the roaches my depression got so much worse I was trying to get help until COVID kept losing counselors to the point I stopped telling them about my whole life and I started skipping straight to me and my ex I wanted help I was tired of hurting the woman I love but something else happened we got into an argument and I said something slick and she tried to stab me I evaded her and calmed her down but the argument went into the next day I locked myself in the bathroom and she tried to break the door down we had a sword in the bathroom for security and I threatened to stab her with it she had a panic attack and called the police I got a misdemeanor harassment charge but I never got mad I worked on myself I didn't want us to argue like that anymore I got out of jail and I was ordered to go to anger management I wish they made me go the very first time but when I went I embraced it and used it to help me with my triggers and that helped not only with my PTSD but with my fight or flight response as well after I got out I came clean about everything and even about the ex I cheated with man she beat me in the head so bad I got multiple concussions but I wasn't mad I actually felt good because I didn't black out I was doing it i was working on my triggers but we kept arguing and every year she told me that she still loves me and wants to make it work but she's losing interest and I told her I'd change and I wanted to but i couldn't my parents didn't take much medicine my mom took Wellbutrin and other things but they made her sleep all day she was dead to the world and I took paxil and Adderall as a kid and I felt like a zombie not to mention my dad was afraid of pills and side effects so I was afraid to take medicine but I needed it my depression was so far gone that I stopped feeling empathy I was empty and I let my guilt and regret and hatred of myself lead to more depression I'm a good singer and rapper I stopped doing music I blamed her but it was depression she suffers from cyclic vomiting syndrome and I just sat on my ass when she got sick I didn't help I wasn't doing dishes but I couldn't even wake up and take a shower or brush my teeth it was horrible I didn't love myself and I was angry at the world and I took it out on her I felt useless so when we argued about me not helping I called her useless everything I felt about me I projected onto her I was numb and I think she was too then I got on tiktok and found something I was good at again I got a lot of followers very quick but that one ex that I cheated with came back and this time It was innocent but my ex told me any interaction with her and it's over but she had a large following and I was trying to get paid but my ex found out and like an idiot I was trying to not delete or block her because im a man and I'm trying to get ahead you aren't a man you can't even help the woman you love you idiot then she kept telling me she was done but we dragged it on because we loved each other by December 2023 we were done but we were still acting like a couple I was in denial thinking we were fixing it because before my birthday at the beginning of 2022 I was diagnosed with high blood pressure I decided to have 1 last year of holiday food and going out to eat and we started working out 2023 and I have lost 108 lbs with her help and her love and support we started a diet and worked out in the house 5 days a week she saved my life once again of course I was in denial of course I was trying to work it out but those last few months were crazy that last year was crazy in 2022 she got into a car accident and she was sore for a while but she found out that she actually broke her rib and healed it messed up and never knew so she got into working out to lose weight and we started our diet in 2023 but in 2022 I found Kevin Samuels and all that alpha male red pill male chauvinist poison it was bull shit I was insecure trying to convince myself that the most feminine beautiful woman I know is some how masculine and modern wtf is modern i wasn't true masculine I wasn't high value i was a loser that couldn't get off my ass for the woman I love and those ideas are disgusting even if you have money you shouldn't be allowed to cheat that's crazy I would just spew that horse shit when we argued she told me thats what really started pulling her away every time she argued that she needed help I started to act like it wasn't my place and that if I had a job I wouldnt have to clean but the truth is I got anxiety every time I saw those dishes piled up I felt like my chest was caving in same with laundry or any chores working out forced me to shower every day but I still made excuses not to shower we did 15-30 minute workouts if I had to go to the gym I might have died from getting fatter I lost my motivation and looking back I should have taken meds but I told y'all how my parents looked at medicine and my experience not to mention my girl trying to fix stomach problems and sleep problems literally experienced so many side effects I was just afraid to take the medicine but I wish I did because I would have saved my relationship neither one of us takes depression meds I looked for work but I don't even have a GED if you want that story I'll save it for the comments btw I forgot to say our child also gets a check so together we make enough money to live we just struggle for some wants everyone has clothes but there's not always a lot of money to shop for every one so we rotate between buying things for them and us through the months we even had to pay rent in two different places at the end of our lease and we made it happen off our checks and donating plasma we paid 2700 between two places with teamwork and sacrifice but like I said we broke up December 2023 we broke up and I was in denial and thought we were working out we were losing weight together going out doing couple things still having amazing sex it was always mutually great i was big on massages and running baths i was a great gift giver but I didn't lift a finger she was sick and all I did was roll a blunt and run a bath I was letting fruit flies fly around the house we were going out to eat spending money we didn't have to go out to eat that's why I gained all that weight in the first place I don't understand I love her and my kids with all my heart I never thought she would never leave me I was afraid she would leave but I just let it happen she is the love of my life afraid or not I should have taken the pills but that too gave me so much anxiety but I should have risked side effects feeling like a zombie sleeping all day anything is better than this because if I took the medicine we might still be together and since she was able to get past her depression and she feels like she was forced to get out of her depression because she was a mom she hates me she comes from a vacationing family I couldn't give them a lot of that but we still go camping and go out of town sometimes we have a car that's almost paid off but we are 32 and she has nothing to show for being with me but a car an apartment and no savings and if I loved her i would have tried harder but I couldn't i was paralyzed by depression and anxiety she doesn't believe me because she overcame her depression and anxiety we moved in our new place and I was planning on ending my life God spoke to me for the first time and my ex always wanted me to find God but my mom was gullible when it came to scamming preachers and she wasted so much of our money on books and prayer cloths that I went away from my faith for years so finding God was weird but I was accepting of his love he told me to fight for my family and that the path might be long but I can get my family back if im reborn and I make the promises I couldn't keep all of a sudden im reading the Bible every day cooking every day cleaning every day even looking for a job everyday but she says it's too late we sleep in the bed together so I don't have to sleep on the couch we slept together like twice but it didn't mean anything she wouldn't even kiss me and she cut me off we always promised we would at least have a sexual friendship relationship but i think i messed it up i just want to make it work i even told her she could have 2 boyfriends so I can work on being who she needs and have some one to help her with everything else until I can show I can be her problem solver she says it's over but we were in love for 14 years we were in love 6 months ago but in March I made a joke that killed us she was listening to a song called john redcorn and we got to arguing and I said that's some John redcorn shit she thought I meant my daughter our youngest and after what I put her through when she was pregnant she couldn't do it and like an idiot I doubled down and she thought i was saying our youngest wasn't mine it was horrible I told my kids everything they are 10 and 12 they lost hope in our relationship for a while but they want me back with they're mom I know I have to stay this man for the rest of my life if I want to get her back i have to work on communication and keep a job im even going back to counseling but she thinks I never loved her because I let it get this far what do I do?

Ok this is going to be a long one but this is my first ever post about my life this is a burner account. My girlfriend of 14 years broke up with me a few months ago and we still live together we broke up because I let myself get too far gone I suffer from depression and anxiety as well as PTSD from having an abusive schizophrenic mother who's a narcissist I also got into gangs when I was young to give you some background anyway our problems started almost a year into our relationship i didn't know i had PTSD yet but I got into fights with friends and even my dad a man I respect and am closer to than anyone other than my ex and my kids anyway I always had fits and one day she tried to hit me and I smacked her hand to the table she fractured her arm and I took her to the hospital she panicked and made up something about being jumped and the cops came and I think she told them I was the cause after a while but renigged her statement later they interrogated me for hours at the station I knew not to tell the police the truth is I felt bad I felt guilty I loved her so I told the truth we both missed each other and she lived with me and my parents we rented an apartment from my dad and him and my mom lived in another at the time we had a no contact order but she got on the phone when I called my parents and pretended to be someone else and we talked and they brought it up in court I ended up having to take a dv charge I was set to win the case but they used the phone calls against us and threatened charges on her and my parents if i didn't plead guilty so I pleaded guilty and when I got out she got pregnant she was working a good job at the time but she got into a car accident she already took a pregnancy test so we knew she was pregnant and I was happy I knew she would make a good mother and I knew i wanted her to be the mother of my children and my forever since the day we met we had already had a miscarriage and she had a whole in her heart from a child that she took care of in her past relationship she was a runaway and had past trauma of her own her mother was abusive as well and every boyfriend she ever had abused her I was supposed to be different I didn't know I was so broken if I knew I had PTSD I would have left her alone but we fell in love deeply I want to say nothing happened when she was pregnant but it did we got into a bad argument and I kicked the basinet and it hit her in the stomach immediately snapped out of it after that nothing else happened until the baby was born our child was born 3 weeks premature and was my pride and joy still is my ex had postpartum so I spent a lot of time with the baby and because of the accident my ex was passing out and having seizures which later we found out were psudo seizures but they felt real and sometimes she passed out or had a seizure and woke up not knowing where she was who she was who I was but she said my voice calmed her down and I was always able to bring her back to reality she got a few concussions from her seizures but also a few from me if I'm being honest I went to the neurologist with her because of the concussions she got from the seizures but to later give her one I was disgusted with myself but she couldn't work anymore so I looked for job i couldn't find anything so I worked for the apartments under the table but that dried up I found something else it dried up too I kept looking but it was useless I had to move back in with my parents with my ex and our first born they had a 3 bedroom and we paid them well she did I eventually got on SSI because of the physical pain from my mother's abuse bipolar disorder depression and PTSD I already went to get help when my ex was pregnant because I wanted to know why I was doing what I was doing my parents wanted me to get a check so they sent me to the counselor but I wanted to get help with my relationship and being honest helped me get my diagnosis but I lost that counselor like I lost every counselor I ever actually felt i could actually open up to anyway we are in my parents house and my mom is a big trigger for me we were paying rent and she accused us of stealing even coming in our room uninvited by then she was pregnant with our youngest and I wasnt perfect then either I was still struggling with my PTSD I did for years I pushed her in the closet and told her she couldn't leave my mom was there watching a constant trigger I snapped out of it but things got bad between my ex and my mom and they started to fight each other never physical but verbal and after she had the baby she almost died she lost a lot of blood I didn't know if I could trust my mom with the baby so I didn't go I still regret that decision but when she came back we waited for a few more and I used my back pay to get her a car and to get out of my mom's house our oldest has high spectrum autism and is really smart and talkative but after that short time living with my parents she developed selective mutism and we had to take her to speach therapy so we put up with roaches for 15 months just to get away from my mom and at the new place she got her lick back she was trying to beat on me and she was trying to stab me from time to time i had a PTSD attack and it would be back and forth but to be honest this started a new problem i was young and I used to flirt i kissed a girl once when we first started dating it was an ex she also slept with her ex best friend before I got locked up again just background truth is i was a flirt for a few years I was young and still searching for the approval i never got from my mom in other women I'm not proud of it though I was talking to women on Craigslist friends only and casual encounters sadly I wasn't trying to cheat i wanted someone i didn't know to talk to about my problem I stopped talking to all my female friends and she stopped talking to her male friends at each other's requests because of the cheating and I stopped talking to anyone that would be around a lot of women and all my other friends were either too gangster to listen or already in happy situations so I wanted to talk to a stranger that was a woman for advice I don't know what it is but women give better advice so I foolishly went to Craigslist and got caught but I ended up actually cheating months later with an ex that I thought I could be friends with but she was my first love and I told her some of what I was going through and we ended up having sex I was feeling guilty and took forever to get hard she had an IUD it was horrible tbh and on top of that she tried to 3 way my ex just to get me to admit it was her after my ex called her and acted like she wasn't the one i cheated with the whole time she tried to ruin my relationship after that after a year of trying and going to specialist my ex got her own SSI check and we got out of our roach infested apartment things were ok I had been trying to work on my triggers and had way less PTSD attacks and things were better for a few years she had a problem with me liking pictures on Instagram and I admit I hate being told what to do especially when I feel I'm doing nothing wrong and I was liking everything not just girls and I never commented anything but where did you get that shirt my girl would love that or happy birthday or thank you and I never slid in dms none of that I just liked pictures and I worked on it eventually because it was the only thing we argued about after a while but then everything changed we got into a big fight and I called her a name she ran at me got on the bed and punched me in the jaw so hard like I'm pretty tough I been hit in the face with a bat and when I tell you she hit me she hit me and when she went to hit me again I just reacted I flipped her then I blacked out I woke up and my hands were wrapped around her neck I snapped out of it and my parents took her to the hospital another thing I never learned to drive my step dad the man I call dad is a good man and a hard worker but he was a drug addict and a thug who was a alcoholic so he never had a license my whole life and my mom was to selfish to teach me I was always to poor for lessons my girl is the best driver I know but never taught me because she would say things like I'll be cheating as soon as I learn to drive so I never learned I regret that too anyway they took her to the doctor and she tore her hamstring I tried to take care of her but she wasn't having it she didn't stay rested she stayed on her feet one time she even punched me when I tried to help we were still in love but it was dying we eventually made up but every year after that she was telling me she needed help telling me she was falling out of love she asked me to help around the house I was lazy at the beginning of our relationship and I got used to her cleaning but by the time we got out of the roaches my depression got so much worse I was trying to get help until COVID kept losing counselors to the point I stopped telling them about my whole life and I started skipping straight to me and my ex I wanted help I was tired of hurting the woman I love but something else happened we got into an argument and I said something slick and she tried to stab me I evaded her and calmed her down but the argument went into the next day I locked myself in the bathroom and she tried to break the door down we had a sword in the bathroom for security and I threatened to stab her with it she had a panic attack and called the police I got a misdemeanor harassment charge but I never got mad I worked on myself I didn't want us to argue like that anymore I got out of jail and I was ordered to go to anger management I wish they made me go the very first time but when I went I embraced it and used it to help me with my triggers and that helped not only with my PTSD but with my fight or flight response as well after I got out I came clean about everything and even about the ex I cheated with man she beat me in the head so bad I got multiple concussions but I wasn't mad I actually felt good because I didn't black out I was doing it i was working on my triggers but we kept arguing and every year she told me that she still loves me and wants to make it work but she's losing interest and I told her I'd change and I wanted to but i couldn't my parents didn't take much medicine my mom took Wellbutrin and other things but they made her sleep all day she was dead to the world and I took paxil and Adderall as a kid and I felt like a zombie not to mention my dad was afraid of pills and side effects so I was afraid to take medicine but I needed it my depression was so far gone that I stopped feeling empathy I was empty and I let my guilt and regret and hatred of myself lead to more depression I'm a good singer and rapper I stopped doing music I blamed her but it was depression she suffers from cyclic vomiting syndrome and I just sat on my ass when she got sick I didn't help I wasn't doing dishes but I couldn't even wake up and take a shower or brush my teeth it was horrible I didn't love myself and I was angry at the world and I took it out on her I felt useless so when we argued about me not helping I called her useless everything I felt about me I projected onto her I was numb and I think she was too then I got on tiktok and found something I was good at again I got a lot of followers very quick but that one ex that I cheated with came back and this time It was innocent but my ex told me any interaction with her and it's over but she had a large following and I was trying to get paid but my ex found out and like an idiot I was trying to not delete or block her because im a man and I'm trying to get ahead you aren't a man you can't even help the woman you love you idiot then she kept telling me she was done but we dragged it on because we loved each other by December 2023 we were done but we were still acting like a couple I was in denial thinking we were fixing it because before my birthday at the beginning of 2022 I was diagnosed with high blood pressure I decided to have 1 last year of holiday food and going out to eat and we started working out 2023 and I have lost 108 lbs with her help and her love and support we started a diet and worked out in the house 5 days a week she saved my life once again of course I was in denial of course I was trying to work it out but those last few months were crazy that last year was crazy in 2022 she got into a car accident and she was sore for a while but she found out that she actually broke her rib and healed it messed up and never knew so she got into working out to lose weight and we started our diet in 2023 but in 2022 I found Kevin Samuels and all that alpha male red pill male chauvinist poison it was bull shit I was insecure trying to convince myself that the most feminine beautiful woman I know is some how masculine and modern wtf is modern i wasn't true masculine I wasn't high value i was a loser that couldn't get off my ass for the woman I love and those ideas are disgusting even if you have money you shouldn't be allowed to cheat that's crazy I would just spew that horse shit when we argued she told me thats what really started pulling her away every time she argued that she needed help I started to act like it wasn't my place and that if I had a job I wouldnt have to clean but the truth is I got anxiety every time I saw those dishes piled up I felt like my chest was caving in same with laundry or any chores working out forced me to shower every day but I still made excuses not to shower we did 15-30 minute workouts if I had to go to the gym I might have died from getting fatter I lost my motivation and looking back I should have taken meds but I told y'all how my parents looked at medicine and my experience not to mention my girl trying to fix stomach problems and sleep problems literally experienced so many side effects I was just afraid to take the medicine but I wish I did because I would have saved my relationship neither one of us takes depression meds I looked for work but I don't even have a GED if you want that story I'll save it for the comments btw I forgot to say our child also gets a check so together we make enough money to live we just struggle for some wants everyone has clothes but there's not always a lot of money to shop for every one so we rotate between buying things for them and us through the months we even had to pay rent in two different places at the end of our lease and we made it happen off our checks and donating plasma we paid 2700 between two places with teamwork and sacrifice but like I said we broke up December 2023 we broke up and I was in denial and thought we were working out we were losing weight together going out doing couple things still having amazing sex it was always mutually great i was big on massages and running baths i was a great gift giver but I didn't lift a finger she was sick and all I did was roll a blunt and run a bath I was letting fruit flies fly around the house we were going out to eat spending money we didn't have to go out to eat that's why I gained all that weight in the first place I don't understand I love her and my kids with all my heart I never thought she would never leave me I was afraid she would leave but I just let it happen she is the love of my life afraid or not I should have taken the pills but that too gave me so much anxiety but I should have risked side effects feeling like a zombie sleeping all day anything is better than this because if I took the medicine we might still be together and since she was able to get past her depression and she feels like she was forced to get out of her depression because she was a mom she hates me she comes from a vacationing family I couldn't give them a lot of that but we still go camping and go out of town sometimes we have a car that's almost paid off but we are 32 and she has nothing to show for being with me but a car an apartment and no savings and if I loved her i would have tried harder but I couldn't i was paralyzed by depression and anxiety she doesn't believe me because she overcame her depression and anxiety we moved in our new place and I was planning on ending my life God spoke to me for the first time and my ex always wanted me to find God but my mom was gullible when it came to scamming preachers and she wasted so much of our money on books and prayer cloths that I went away from my faith for years so finding God was weird but I was accepting of his love he told me to fight for my family and that the path might be long but I can get my family back if im reborn and I make the promises I couldn't keep all of a sudden im reading the Bible every day cooking every day cleaning every day even looking for a job everyday but she says it's too late we sleep in the bed together so I don't have to sleep on the couch we slept together like twice but it didn't mean anything she wouldn't even kiss me and she cut me off we always promised we would at least have a sexual friendship relationship but i think i messed it up i just want to make it work i even told her she could have 2 boyfriends so I can work on being who she needs and have some one to help her with everything else until I can show I can be her problem solver she says it's over but we were in love for 14 years we were in love 6 months ago but in March I made a joke that killed us she was listening to a song called john redcorn and we got to arguing and I said that's some John redcorn shit she thought I meant my daughter our youngest and after what I put her through when she was pregnant she couldn't do it and like an idiot I doubled down and she thought i was saying our youngest wasn't mine it was horrible I told my kids everything they are 10 and 12 they lost hope in our relationship for a while but they want me back with they're mom I know I have to stay this man for the rest of my life if I want to get her back i have to work on communication and keep a job im even going back to counseling but she thinks I never loved her because I let it get this far what do I do?

Timestamp: https://imgur.com/a/gL0o3ms
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USGI surplus furniture set painted with the original zinc chromate primer used on colt 601's. Commonly found on aircraft parts, it makes sense that armalite / faircgild would have used whatever they had laying around. This is a difficult (and significantly more hazardous) paint to work with. Surplus furniture was in good condition before being painted. No cracks, all teeth intact, only area that may need attention is the rear sling swivel - it's functional but could use a new roll pin to hold the swivel to the swivel stud. $175
Promag 9mm magwell conversion for colt SMG style magazines. Lightly used - no salt, works as intended. I switched to an actual colt so I no longer need this. $45
Foux DOE hg, approx 1" shorter than a regular one. Would make a killer N-23 shorty build. $45
Fakelite mags, minimum salt, metal body psa branded mags painted to resemble bakelite. $30 each or buy all three plus the Alice pouch for $75
Gooseneck mount. Used, catch and release- $30
You can buy everything in the display case if you'd like. Price for everything pictured (minus case) $333 w/ display case $390

My daughter will be 4 in September and has recently been saying she is hungry at bedtime to delay going to sleep. She eats a majority of her dinner and we don’t have food insecurity so actual hunger isn’t terribly likely. She had a tantrum the other night when my wife and I would not allow her to have watermelon to avoid going to bed. I explained to her that we don’t eat after brushing our teeth before bed as it could cause cavities and make our teeth rot. She didn’t understand what cavities are or the idea of rotten teeth so I showed her some images of children with plaque buildup and cavities- nothing terribly graphic. She has now been asking every night to see pictures of ‘rotten teeth’. Did I screw up showing her the pictures in the first place? What could be possible implications of allowing her to see images of plaque buildup and cavity ridden teeth?

Ok this is going to be a long one but this is my first ever post about my life this is a burner account. My girlfriend of 14 years broke up with me a few months ago and we still live together we broke up because I let myself get too far gone I suffer from depression and anxiety as well as PTSD from having an abusive schizophrenic mother who's a narcissist I also got into gangs when I was young to give you some background anyway our problems started almost a year into our relationship i didn't know i had PTSD yet but I got into fights with friends and even my dad a man I respect and am closer to than anyone other than my ex and my kids anyway I always had fits and one day she tried to hit me and I smacked her hand to the table she fractured her arm and I took her to the hospital she panicked and made up something about being jumped and the cops came and I think she told them I was the cause after a while but renigged her statement later they interrogated me for hours at the station I knew not to tell the police the truth is I felt bad I felt guilty I loved her so I told the truth we both missed each other and she lived with me and my parents we rented an apartment from my dad and him and my mom lived in another at the time we had a no contact order but she got on the phone when I called my parents and pretended to be someone else and we talked and they brought it up in court I ended up having to take a dv charge I was set to win the case but they used the phone calls against us and threatened charges on her and my parents if i didn't plead guilty so I pleaded guilty and when I got out she got pregnant she was working a good job at the time but she got into a car accident she already took a pregnancy test so we knew she was pregnant and I was happy I knew she would make a good mother and I knew i wanted her to be the mother of my children and my forever since the day we met we had already had a miscarriage and she had a whole in her heart from a child that she took care of in her past relationship she was a runaway and had past trauma of her own her mother was abusive as well and every boyfriend she ever had abused her I was supposed to be different I didn't know I was so broken if I knew I had PTSD I would have left her alone but we fell in love deeply I want to say nothing happened when she was pregnant but it did we got into a bad argument and I kicked the basinet and it hit her in the stomach immediately snapped out of it after that nothing else happened until the baby was born our child was born 3 weeks premature and was my pride and joy still is my ex had postpartum so I spent a lot of time with the baby and because of the accident my ex was passing out and having seizures which later we found out were psudo seizures but they felt real and sometimes she passed out or had a seizure and woke up not knowing where she was who she was who I was but she said my voice calmed her down and I was always able to bring her back to reality she got a few concussions from her seizures but also a few from me if I'm being honest I went to the neurologist with her because of the concussions she got from the seizures but to later give her one I was disgusted with myself but she couldn't work anymore so I looked for job i couldn't find anything so I worked for the apartments under the table but that dried up I found something else it dried up too I kept looking but it was useless I had to move back in with my parents with my ex and our first born they had a 3 bedroom and we paid them well she did I eventually got on SSI because of the physical pain from my mother's abuse bipolar disorder depression and PTSD I already went to get help when my ex was pregnant because I wanted to know why I was doing what I was doing my parents wanted me to get a check so they sent me to the counselor but I wanted to get help with my relationship and being honest helped me get my diagnosis but I lost that counselor like I lost every counselor I ever actually felt i could actually open up to anyway we are in my parents house and my mom is a big trigger for me we were paying rent and she accused us of stealing even coming in our room uninvited by then she was pregnant with our youngest and I wasnt perfect then either I was still struggling with my PTSD I did for years I pushed her in the closet and told her she couldn't leave my mom was there watching a constant trigger I snapped out of it but things got bad between my ex and my mom and they started to fight each other never physical but verbal and after she had the baby she almost died she lost a lot of blood I didn't know if I could trust my mom with the baby so I didn't go I still regret that decision but when she came back we waited for a few more and I used my back pay to get her a car and to get out of my mom's house our oldest has high spectrum autism and is really smart and talkative but after that short time living with my parents she developed selective mutism and we had to take her to speach therapy so we put up with roaches for 15 months just to get away from my mom and at the new place she got her lick back she was trying to beat on me and she was trying to stab me from time to time i had a PTSD attack and it would be back and forth but to be honest this started a new problem i was young and I used to flirt i kissed a girl once when we first started dating it was an ex she also slept with her ex best friend before I got locked up again just background truth is i was a flirt for a few years I was young and still searching for the approval i never got from my mom in other women I'm not proud of it though I was talking to women on Craigslist friends only and casual encounters sadly I wasn't trying to cheat i wanted someone i didn't know to talk to about my problem I stopped talking to all my female friends and she stopped talking to her male friends at each other's requests because of the cheating and I stopped talking to anyone that would be around a lot of women and all my other friends were either too gangster to listen or already in happy situations so I wanted to talk to a stranger that was a woman for advice I don't know what it is but women give better advice so I foolishly went to Craigslist and got caught but I ended up actually cheating months later with an ex that I thought I could be friends with but she was my first love and I told her some of what I was going through and we ended up having sex I was feeling guilty and took forever to get hard she had an IUD it was horrible tbh and on top of that she tried to 3 way my ex just to get me to admit it was her after my ex called her and acted like she wasn't the one i cheated with the whole time she tried to ruin my relationship after that after a year of trying and going to specialist my ex got her own SSI check and we got out of our roach infested apartment things were ok I had been trying to work on my triggers and had way less PTSD attacks and things were better for a few years she had a problem with me liking pictures on Instagram and I admit I hate being told what to do especially when I feel I'm doing nothing wrong and I was liking everything not just girls and I never commented anything but where did you get that shirt my girl would love that or happy birthday or thank you and I never slid in dms none of that I just liked pictures and I worked on it eventually because it was the only thing we argued about after a while but then everything changed we got into a big fight and I called her a name she ran at me got on the bed and punched me in the jaw so hard like I'm pretty tough I been hit in the face with a bat and when I tell you she hit me she hit me and when she went to hit me again I just reacted I flipped her then I blacked out I woke up and my hands were wrapped around her neck I snapped out of it and my parents took her to the hospital another thing I never learned to drive my step dad the man I call dad is a good man and a hard worker but he was a drug addict and a thug who was a alcoholic so he never had a license my whole life and my mom was to selfish to teach me I was always to poor for lessons my girl is the best driver I know but never taught me because she would say things like I'll be cheating as soon as I learn to drive so I never learned I regret that too anyway they took her to the doctor and she tore her hamstring I tried to take care of her but she wasn't having it she didn't stay rested she stayed on her feet one time she even punched me when I tried to help we were still in love but it was dying we eventually made up but every year after that she was telling me she needed help telling me she was falling out of love she asked me to help around the house I was lazy at the beginning of our relationship and I got used to her cleaning but by the time we got out of the roaches my depression got so much worse I was trying to get help until COVID kept losing counselors to the point I stopped telling them about my whole life and I started skipping straight to me and my ex I wanted help I was tired of hurting the woman I love but something else happened we got into an argument and I said something slick and she tried to stab me I evaded her and calmed her down but the argument went into the next day I locked myself in the bathroom and she tried to break the door down we had a sword in the bathroom for security and I threatened to stab her with it she had a panic attack and called the police I got a misdemeanor harassment charge but I never got mad I worked on myself I didn't want us to argue like that anymore I got out of jail and I was ordered to go to anger management I wish they made me go the very first time but when I went I embraced it and used it to help me with my triggers and that helped not only with my PTSD but with my fight or flight response as well after I got out I came clean about everything and even about the ex I cheated with man she beat me in the head so bad I got multiple concussions but I wasn't mad I actually felt good because I didn't black out I was doing it i was working on my triggers but we kept arguing and every year she told me that she still loves me and wants to make it work but she's losing interest and I told her I'd change and I wanted to but i couldn't my parents didn't take much medicine my mom took Wellbutrin and other things but they made her sleep all day she was dead to the world and I took paxil and Adderall as a kid and I felt like a zombie not to mention my dad was afraid of pills and side effects so I was afraid to take medicine but I needed it my depression was so far gone that I stopped feeling empathy I was empty and I let my guilt and regret and hatred of myself lead to more depression I'm a good singer and rapper I stopped doing music I blamed her but it was depression she suffers from cyclic vomiting syndrome and I just sat on my ass when she got sick I didn't help I wasn't doing dishes but I couldn't even wake up and take a shower or brush my teeth it was horrible I didn't love myself and I was angry at the world and I took it out on her I felt useless so when we argued about me not helping I called her useless everything I felt about me I projected onto her I was numb and I think she was too then I got on tiktok and found something I was good at again I got a lot of followers very quick but that one ex that I cheated with came back and this time It was innocent but my ex told me any interaction with her and it's over but she had a large following and I was trying to get paid but my ex found out and like an idiot I was trying to not delete or block her because im a man and I'm trying to get ahead you aren't a man you can't even help the woman you love you idiot then she kept telling me she was done but we dragged it on because we loved each other by December 2023 we were done but we were still acting like a couple I was in denial thinking we were fixing it because before my birthday at the beginning of 2022 I was diagnosed with high blood pressure I decided to have 1 last year of holiday food and going out to eat and we started working out 2023 and I have lost 108 lbs with her help and her love and support we started a diet and worked out in the house 5 days a week she saved my life once again of course I was in denial of course I was trying to work it out but those last few months were crazy that last year was crazy in 2022 she got into a car accident and she was sore for a while but she found out that she actually broke her rib and healed it messed up and never knew so she got into working out to lose weight and we started our diet in 2023 but in 2022 I found Kevin Samuels and all that alpha male red pill male chauvinist poison it was bull shit I was insecure trying to convince myself that the most feminine beautiful woman I know is some how masculine and modern wtf is modern i wasn't true masculine I wasn't high value i was a loser that couldn't get off my ass for the woman I love and those ideas are disgusting even if you have money you shouldn't be allowed to cheat that's crazy I would just spew that horse shit when we argued she told me thats what really started pulling her away every time she argued that she needed help I started to act like it wasn't my place and that if I had a job I wouldnt have to clean but the truth is I got anxiety every time I saw those dishes piled up I felt like my chest was caving in same with laundry or any chores working out forced me to shower every day but I still made excuses not to shower we did 15-30 minute workouts if I had to go to the gym I might have died from getting fatter I lost my motivation and looking back I should have taken meds but I told y'all how my parents looked at medicine and my experience not to mention my girl trying to fix stomach problems and sleep problems literally experienced so many side effects I was just afraid to take the medicine but I wish I did because I would have saved my relationship neither one of us takes depression meds I looked for work but I don't even have a GED if you want that story I'll save it for the comments btw I forgot to say our child also gets a check so together we make enough money to live we just struggle for some wants everyone has clothes but there's not always a lot of money to shop for every one so we rotate between buying things for them and us through the months we even had to pay rent in two different places at the end of our lease and we made it happen off our checks and donating plasma we paid 2700 between two places with teamwork and sacrifice but like I said we broke up December 2023 we broke up and I was in denial and thought we were working out we were losing weight together going out doing couple things still having amazing sex it was always mutually great i was big on massages and running baths i was a great gift giver but I didn't lift a finger she was sick and all I did was roll a blunt and run a bath I was letting fruit flies fly around the house we were going out to eat spending money we didn't have to go out to eat that's why I gained all that weight in the first place I don't understand I love her and my kids with all my heart I never thought she would never leave me I was afraid she would leave but I just let it happen she is the love of my life afraid or not I should have taken the pills but that too gave me so much anxiety but I should have risked side effects feeling like a zombie sleeping all day anything is better than this because if I took the medicine we might still be together and since she was able to get past her depression and she feels like she was forced to get out of her depression because she was a mom she hates me she comes from a vacationing family I couldn't give them a lot of that but we still go camping and go out of town sometimes we have a car that's almost paid off but we are 32 and she has nothing to show for being with me but a car an apartment and no savings and if I loved her i would have tried harder but I couldn't i was paralyzed by depression and anxiety she doesn't believe me because she overcame her depression and anxiety we moved in our new place and I was planning on ending my life God spoke to me for the first time and my ex always wanted me to find God but my mom was gullible when it came to scamming preachers and she wasted so much of our money on books and prayer cloths that I went away from my faith for years so finding God was weird but I was accepting of his love he told me to fight for my family and that the path might be long but I can get my family back if im reborn and I make the promises I couldn't keep all of a sudden im reading the Bible every day cooking every day cleaning every day even looking for a job everyday but she says it's too late we sleep in the bed together so I don't have to sleep on the couch we slept together like twice but it didn't mean anything she wouldn't even kiss me and she cut me off we always promised we would at least have a sexual friendship relationship but i think i messed it up i just want to make it work i even told her she could have 2 boyfriends so I can work on being who she needs and have some one to help her with everything else until I can show I can be her problem solver she says it's over but we were in love for 14 years we were in love 6 months ago but in March I made a joke that killed us she was listening to a song called john redcorn and we got to arguing and I said that's some John redcorn shit she thought I meant my daughter our youngest and after what I put her through when she was pregnant she couldn't do it and like an idiot I doubled down and she thought i was saying our youngest wasn't mine it was horrible I told my kids everything they are 10 and 12 they lost hope in our relationship for a while but they want me back with they're mom I know I have to stay this man for the rest of my life if I want to get her back i have to work on communication and keep a job im even going back to counseling but she thinks I never loved her because I let it get this far what do I do?

So my SIL is a teacher and she is a very very engaged parent. She knows a song for what feels like every part of life (brushing teeth, putting on socks, any type of weather, feeling sad, animals...you get the picture). She also puts together weekly units for her kids where she rotates out toys and curates the toy selection based on a learning objective/theme. So for instance, the theme could be astronomy and she will put out books, crafts, sensory bin, and actual toys aligned with the theme. She then plans outings that week that align with the theme. Oh and oodles of activities/projects.
So, I parent differently. My kid very much engages with whatever I am doing. He helps clean up, hangs with me when I'm doing chores or does some independent play. He has toys that I rotate out every few weeks but honestly, he doesn't play with them a ton. We're more likely to be doing something together or to be out in the yard or on a walk. We do plenty of park time and storytime/playdates. We also go to music class and we have nightly family time where we make a fire outside or go in our hotub with him. We love hiking together. We play a ton of basketball (his favorite). So we do plenty of activities for him, it's just not as carefully curated and we do value integrating him into our lives. I do occasionally plan an activity at home myself but not super frequently.
All of this to say that even though I know I do a lot with/for my child, every time I spend time with my SIL, I'm worried it's not enough or that I'm not teaching him enough or engaging him enough. Like yesterday, our kids were playing together in our yard, using chalk, digging dirt, sprinkler, etc and she decide to make a sort of elaborate obstacle course using toys. It was cool and the kids enjoyed it for a bit. I'm glad she made it but self conscious that I didn't think to do that and worried I don't do enough for my kiddo.
And I know it sounds crazy but I worry that I don't sing as many songs as she does! I do sing songs, don't get me wrong. But I don't have a song for everything!