How to make fake stitches

This is going to be a long one so bear with me please. I am also giving a lot of backstory and past issues bcz I feel they are relevant to the matter and also I feel like ranting. Also this is in India so the currency is Rupees. Before we start I just want to say that I am not perfect in any way or form and I have done any fair share of mistakes. I(20F) have been in a relationship with my bf Jake(22M)(fake name) for roughly 5.5 yrs now. My family is not rich but we do have a lot of money bcz both my parents are doctors but I did not realise we have this much money until 2yrs ago. (Am not very street smart as U will see in this post). Since after abt 1.5 years of relationship (May 2020)when lockdown started his family fell on hardtimes as his family owns a shop and bcz of the Pandemic they weren't able to run it. At first it was bcz one of his friend got into an accident so he needs money and he told me he will give it back etc (i don't remember if he ever did as it was yrs ago). At the time I had money saved up so I helped out the first few times with my own money. Then when I ran out of money then he said to ask my dad or mom, or steal from my house and give him some. A lil back story here, my mom and dad are separated so they did not used to talk about finances so I would take extra money from my dad than what was actually required and give the rest to jake. For e.g I required 3k for a parcel or smrg then I would ask for 5k, give my mother the 3k(I live with her, my father lives separately) and give the 2k to jake. I also gave him cash many times by essentially stealing from my mother's closet. When I used to say NO he hurled abuses at me and called me every name in the book which a person can imagine, guilt tripped me and pushed me very hard and I gave in almost every time. He told me he will give me back eventually, he has made an investment,etc. Basically all stupid lies to have more time, then one day during an arguement I pressed on when he is gonna return the money and after a lot of time he told me there is no investment and he used the money in his family's shop. After 2.5 year of this in October-Nov of 2022 we both got admissions in universities which were around 2 hours away from each other. Till then this pattern continued and his family was still struggling bcz of his father's brother divided the joint business or something else. Before this when we were at out respective homes he told me he got some operation done for smtg in his abdomen. I gave him 10k from my mother's closet for that and even when I went to meet he had an area bandaged (was very unprofessionally done my dumb self should have understood that it was also fake) one of his friend also confirmed that he had operation done and I was coordinating with him on the said dates when he was supposedly admitted. He also used to frequently tell me that he has suicidal thoughts and he will end himself etc . After we went to our respective colleges once we had a big fight and next day he told me that he tried to end himself by jumping of the balcony but his friend (who he was staying with at the time),Luke, stopped him worrying for him I called Luke later and told him I was worried for Jake and to pls take care of him. He was confused by this and asked me why what happened. I asked him abt last night's attempt, he told me nothing of that sort happened. This opened a can of worms where it was revealed that he was making a fool out of me, guy owned a fucking Iphone and was telling me that his family was on hard times and taking money from me. This is also when I found out that their was no operation. I don't remember what else I found out that night but felt like a huge betrayal and I talked to 3 of his friends that night for quite a few hours where a lot of lies were revealed. I broke it off with him, at this point I had lent a total of Rs.75-80k. He begged me for weeks for forgiveness, at first I laughed in his face but as weeks went by I started to miss us. He came to meet and win me back a few times at my uni. Eventually, a month later I forgave him on some conditions like he wont lie and share everything with me, won't tell me who or who not to be friends with (he did that before a lot). Few months later the cycle started again, I was back to giving him money from the monthly spending amount I used to get(it was a lot at first bcz I was just settling in,now my monthy allowance is wayyy less). He did not like the friend group I was in so I stopped talking to them (bcz they knew abt our situation as I broke down crying in front of them when I found out abt all this so he felt like he lost respect and They didn't respect me etc, admittedly they weren't good and I would have distanced myself eventually anyways maybe cuz the vibe didn't match but that should have been my call I feel) and he still (>1 year later) yells at me if he suspects that I am casually talking to them. My college is in a much smaller city so I go to meet him once to twice a month as he shares a flat with few ppl and the city has more activities to do. Other than the first few times (when we got back together) I pay almost if not all bills like gas (for his 2 wheeler) and food. It's very frustrating at times but I understand that he does not has enough money as his father does not send him enough to cover rent, food and expenses or so he says ( sighs IDK anymore guys what's true and what's not). Jake says his family is still struggling bcz his sister went to UK last year to study and that took a huge chunk of money and they have loans to pay, etc. I can believe this is true. Also he says they have virtually almost no savings left bcz business isn't doing great hence his father sends him rent t food expenses andsays to manage The rest on his own (he does not has a job so guess where the money comes from 🤡). In the Past few months admittedly he has not asked for money frequently but when he does its like a huge chunk. He has also taken loans (with interest) from some of his friends without telling me. He has done this multiple times before after I have repeatedly asked him to stop. (Embarrassingly I admit there are more instances when he has acted like a red curtain but I think I can write a book at this point if I list them all out so let's move on to the latest problem).
Onto The current issue Almost 3 days ago now, Jake called me (we already have been fighting for I don't even remember how many days at that point a week maybe?) and we told me that he was told by his dad that they have been unable to make payments for the loan they took from a person keeping their shop as collateral, they have to pay half the amount (Total amount was 5 lakhs) and interest which was 64k tomorrow to that person, they have arranged most of the money but are short by abt 30k. He asked me can I do something (steal or ask my dad). I refused as there is no money in my mother's closet anyway and I haven't talked to my dad in abt 3 months now. (ofcourse I did not outright refuse and just gave him my reas oning buz I'm a doormat 🥰🤡🤡). I pressed me to pls talk to my father about money and tell him I need it for my tablet (I bought one just a few days prior). I refused and said he won't give me money anyway. He asked what about my mother's bank account, it must have something. One account is linked to UPI ( It's for making online payments in India) and one is not. The one that is linked does not have much money bCz my mother's salary has not been credited in 4 months. The other account has money but as it does not has UPI activated online payments cannot be done.I told him all of this. He asked can I activate the UPI if my mother's asleep and plz transfer him the money (also said to transfer it first to my own account so if she finds out then I can say my friend needed it so I have lent some for a month or two🙂 ) I mean maybe I could if I really wanted to but I have had enough, I do not want to steal. Now his family is potentially loosing the shop and he is blaming me for it. I have repeatedly tried to reason with him and told him that if I had the money in my account I would have given him (My account had 1k and I transferred him that😔). He says his blood relatives (his father's siblings refused to pay even a dime, I mean they and their children all are grown ups and have jobs and if They didn't pay how does he expect me, who does not has never had a job give him money, probably it's my fault I have enabled him enough every down time by giving him money so how he just expects everytime that I'll help bcz I am family).
He is still pressing me to give like 5k now bcz now he wants to go to another city and talk to the lender's brother to pls provide them with some Time. But I do not have the money 😕. He says that 'if I would have really wanted then I could but I did not think of his family as mine ', " U will understand my pain when U will loose something of yours for lesser value Than it really is " (The shop's market valve is 4O lakhs and they lost it for 5 lakhs) Also has called me quite a few names since then. He arranged 1K and said " I'm going today there I'll see what to do after reaching there." Says he wants to breakup ( it's pretty normal to say it's over after fights so I don't really know if he is even serious) for 2 reasons - 1. I did not give him money 2. When he will go to uni he won't have any spending money so he'll expect are to help out, and he knows I won't and he does not want that disappointment.
I mean TBH I wouldn't care if it were a few hundred rupees but it won't be, additionally I will be The one covering The costs as usual when I go to meet him. I won't have any money left for my own. And I really want to start saving up again. I have spent outrageous amounts of money in The past year (go figure the reason) and saved up nothing. Today he was still begging (he used the word) me to pls arrange the money. He said I leave for uni in 2 days after summer vacations so I'll get my allowance, technically I can ask for it in advance and give him. But I don't want to after he has treated me. Everytime I tell myself that this is the last time, I'll leave the next time he does this but I just stay. I know I'm not responsible for him and his family but I still feel really guilty about not giving him the money. I know I should end things but it's just difficult to leave something which you have been attached to for so long, it just feels natural to you. Rn he owes me I don't even know how much but it's maybe around 1 lakh something. Not counting The amount of gifts (some he guilt tripped me into buying 🙄 ) I have bought him and the money I have spent on my trips to visit him. IDK if I'll ever see that money again probably not. Please also give me advice on how should I proceed with the breakup, I don't want him to do anything drastic like come to my house or call my mom to tell him abt our relationship (frowned upon in India).
I know the answer but still need the answer should I give him some money from my allowance and WIBTA if I don't ? (Sorry for any errors in writing, I'm writing on tablet with a stylus)

I am starting work putting together a DnD 5e campaign for level 5 adventurers that would go up to level 11. The main hook will be Rogue (not the PC class) alchemists and performance drug dealers in conflict with the guilds of the 6 Nation's Unified Guilds and local law enforcement.
With alchemy being a major theme, I brainstormed a bunch of things for more advanced versions of adventuring gear for the guilds or criminals to sell, or the party to loot off their corpses. Elemental resistance and vulnerabilities will play a part in the homebrew enemies.
I am looking for feedback on
•how much to charge for the items. •Any recommendations on changes to damage or DCs. •wording changes for clarity.
(Some Ideas are more thought out than others)
Here we go.
Alchemist's Fire (flask)
This sticky, adhesive fluid ignites when exposed to air. As an action, or replacing an attack as part of the attack action you can throw this flask up to 20 feet, shattering it on impact. Make a ranged Attack against a creature or object, treating the alchemist's fire as an improvised weapon. On a hit, the target takes 1d4 fire damage at the start of each of its turns. A creature can end this damage by using its action to make a DC 10 Dexterity check to extinguish the flames.
War Fire (flask)
This alchemically enhanced adhesive fluid ignites when exposed to air. A vial held in hand may be thrown up to 20 ft. replacing an attack made as part of the attack action on your turn shattering on impact. Make a ranged Attack against a creature or object, treating the alchemist's fire as an improvised weapon. On a hit, the target takes 2d4 fire damage at the start of each of its turns. A creature can end this damage by using its action to make a DC 12 Dexterity check to extinguish the flames. Hit or miss, the liquid ignites a square 15 ft on a side of the ground centered on the target. Creatures who enter an ignited area for the first time on a turn or start their turn there take 2d4 fire damage. A square 5 foot section of ignited area can be extinguished as an action.
Dragons breath (Canister) This volatile concoction is illegal to carry into most cities. Typically stored in a magically reinforced container, militaries and criminal master alchemists are the only source, neither of which are likely to give up their secrets. As an action you can speak the command word and throw the canister up to 30 ft where it shatters in a conflagration. Everyone in a 15 ft radius must make a DC 16 Dex save taking 6d4 fire damage on a failure and are ignited. Objects not worn or carried automatically fail this save. Ignited creatures take 6d4 fire damage at the start of each of their turns. A creature may use an action to attempt to put out the fire on themselves or others with a DC 16 Dexterity Check. Creatures who succeed on their saving throw take half damage and are not ignited.
caltrops As an action, you can spread a single bag of caltrops to cover a 5-foot-square area. Any creature that enters the area must succeed on a DC 15 Dexterity saving throw or stop moving and take 1 piercing damage. Until the creature regains at least 1 hit point, its walking speed is reduced by 10 feet. A creature moving through the area at half speed doesn't need to make the saving throw.
Barbed Caltrops
As with caltrops, but the damage is 1d4 piercing and the caltrops stick to those who fail their saving throw dealing 1 point of piercing damage for every 5 feet of movement spent. The caltrops can be removed as an action and they must be removed before recovering HP in order to regain movement speed.
Footbane caltrop bag
This magic bag contains 20 caltrops. When the command word is spoken, the caltops spring out of the bag to a location within 15 ft of the caster and spread themselves out over a 10-ft square area. They continue to move around that area until another command word is spoken to return them to the bag, an hour passes, or five creatures fail their saving throw against them as they become too spread out to be effective. Any caltrops not returned to the bag within 1 hour become non-magical. The constant movement of the caltrops make them impossible to hide, however, it also means that moving at half speed does not let a creature avoid having to make the save. If caltrops are lost or left behind they can be replaced by filling the bag with 20 non-magical caltrops and leaving them in the bag for 8 hours.
Acid Vial
As an action, or replacing an attack as part of the attack action, you can splash the contents of this vial onto a creature within 5 feet of you or throw the vial up to 20 feet, shattering it on impact. In either case, make a ranged Attack against a creature or object, treating the acid as an improvised weapon. On a hit, the target takes 2d6 acid damage.
Elemental vial As with acid Vial, but dealing fire, frost, poison, lightning, or thunder damage.
Clinging acid As an action, or replacing an attack as part of the attack action, you can splash the contents of this vial onto a creature within 5 feet of you or throw the vial up to 20 feet, shattering it on impact. In either case, make a ranged Attack against a creature or object, treating the acid as an improvised weapon. On a hit, the target takes 3d6 acid damage. At the end of each of the creatures' turns it takes a number of D6s of acid damage one less than the previous instance. (If it took 3d6 last time it takes 2d6 this time.) A creature may take the use an object action to reduce the next instance of this damage on themselves or an ally within 5 ft by 1d6. A creature proficient with alchemy tools may use the tools as part of the use an object action to reduce the next instance of damage damage by 2d6 instead.
Dragon's Bile [Flavor text] As with clinging acid but the starting damage is 5d6, creatures have disadvantage on saving throws to maintain concentration and while taking the ongoing damage, and the action now requires a DC 15 dexterity check to succeed. (alchemy tool proficiency applies)
Holy water
As an action, or replacing an attack as part of the attack action, you can splash the contents of this flask onto a creature within 5 feet of you or throw it up to 20 feet, shattering it on impact. In either case, make a ranged attack against a target creature, treating the holy water as an improvised weapon. If the target is a fiend or undead, it takes 2d6 radiant damage.
Sacred oil As an action you can apply this oil to a melee or ranged weapon. For 1 minute, attacks made with the weapon are considered magical and deal an additional 1d6 radiant damage to fiends or undead. This oil smells abhorrent to fiends. Once opened, and for one hour after it is applied to a weapon, fiends within 100 feet of the open vial or weapon will not suffer the surprised condition.
Tears of the Saints/Blood of the Martyrs [Flavor text] As an action, you speak a command phrase (usually a prayer of censure) and throw the reliquary up to 30 feet away from you. The souls of the wronged cry out for vengeance and each undead (for tears) or Fiend (for blood) within 30 feet of the target location, that can see or hear, takes 2d6 radiant damage and must make a DC 15 Wisdom saving throw. If the creature fails its saving throw, and its CR is 1 or less it is destroyed (undead) or banished to its home plane (fiends). A creature above CR 1 that fails it's save is turned for 1 minute or until it takes any damage.
A turned creature must spend its turns trying to move as far away from the target location as it can, and it can't willingly move to a space within 30 feet of it. The creature also can't take reactions. For its action, it can use only the Dash action or try to escape from an effect that prevents it from moving. If there's nowhere to move, the creature can use the Dodge action.
Healing potion You regain 2d4+2 hit points when you drink this potion. Drinking or administering a potion takes an action.
Bloodmush! "For people who don't have enough blood in them, so that they can have more blood in them!" -NoRefunds, wandering kobold trader
"Usually made by those who are not serviced by the guilds and do not have the necessary expertise or available raw materials to make healing potions, satchets of this dark red paste are far more likely to be found in orc, goblinoid, and kobold tribes than civilized areas." Archaic Alchemy of the Six Nations, chapter 7
You regain 1d4+1 hit points when you eat this paste or apply it directly to a wound. This takes an action.
Salve "There has been a great deal of arguments regarding Salve. Some claim it is merely another means of applying a healing potion, but be wary. Salve is not regulated by the guild, so there are no laws protecting its quality. Use at your own risk." -Archaic Alchemy of the Six Nations, chapter 2
As an action, one dose of Salve can be swallowed or applied to the skin. The creature that receives it gains benefits according to the following list.
Fake Salve: pain is relieved, but receive no actual benefits.
Fowl Salve: gain 2d4+2 temporary HP. At the end of 1 minute take 2d4 poison damage and lose any remaining temporary HP.
Mediocre salve: regain 1 HP and 2d4 temp HP. At the end of 1 minute if any temp HP from this salve remains, lose the temp HP and regain the same amount of HP.
Quality salve: regain 2d4+2 HP.
Exquisite salve: regain 2d8 + 2 hit points, cease to be poisoned, and becured of up to one non-magical disease.
Unidentified salve: can be identified by using it, or by a creature proficient in alchemist's supplies making a successful DC 15 Intelligence (Alchemist's tools) check as part of a short rest. When identified, roll a D20 and compare it to the following table. 1 fake Salve 2-3 fowl Salve 4-10 mediocre salve 11-19 quality Salve 20 exquisite Salve
DM note: the range of Salve quality in the setting is worse than indicated by the table. The fact that most sellers will not intentionally sell fake or fowl Salve to the heavily armed, notoriously violent adventurers skews the table in their favor.

I am starting work putting together a DnD 5e campaign for level 5 adventurers that would go up to level 11. The main hook will be Rogue (not the PC class) alchemists and performance drug dealers in conflict with the guilds of the 6 Nation's Unified Guilds and local law enforcement.
With alchemy being a major theme, I brainstormed a bunch of things for more advanced versions of adventuring gear for the guilds or criminals to sell, or the party to loot off their corpses. Elemental resistance and vulnerabilities will play a part in the homebrew enemies.
I am looking for feedback on
•how much to charge for the items. •Any recommendations on changes to damage or DCs. •wording changes for clarity.
(Some Ideas are more thought out than others)
Here we go.
Alchemist's Fire (flask)
This sticky, adhesive fluid ignites when exposed to air. As an action, or replacing an attack as part of the attack action you can throw this flask up to 20 feet, shattering it on impact. Make a ranged Attack against a creature or object, treating the alchemist's fire as an improvised weapon. On a hit, the target takes 1d4 fire damage at the start of each of its turns. A creature can end this damage by using its action to make a DC 10 Dexterity check to extinguish the flames.
War Fire (flask)
This alchemically enhanced adhesive fluid ignites when exposed to air. A vial held in hand may be thrown up to 20 ft. replacing an attack made as part of the attack action on your turn shattering on impact. Make a ranged Attack against a creature or object, treating the alchemist's fire as an improvised weapon. On a hit, the target takes 2d4 fire damage at the start of each of its turns. A creature can end this damage by using its action to make a DC 12 Dexterity check to extinguish the flames. Hit or miss, the liquid ignites a square 15 ft on a side of the ground centered on the target. Creatures who enter an ignited area for the first time on a turn or start their turn there take 2d4 fire damage. A square 5 foot section of ignited area can be extinguished as an action.
Dragons breath (Canister) This volatile concoction is illegal to carry into most cities. Typically stored in a magically reinforced container, militaries and criminal master alchemists are the only source, neither of which are likely to give up their secrets. As an action you can speak the command word and throw the canister up to 30 ft where it shatters in a conflagration. Everyone in a 15 ft radius must make a DC 16 Dex save taking 6d4 fire damage on a failure and are ignited. Objects not worn or carried automatically fail this save. Ignited creatures take 6d4 fire damage at the start of each of their turns. A creature may use an action to attempt to put out the fire on themselves or others with a DC 16 Dexterity Check. Creatures who succeed on their saving throw take half damage and are not ignited.
caltrops As an action, you can spread a single bag of caltrops to cover a 5-foot-square area. Any creature that enters the area must succeed on a DC 15 Dexterity saving throw or stop moving and take 1 piercing damage. Until the creature regains at least 1 hit point, its walking speed is reduced by 10 feet. A creature moving through the area at half speed doesn't need to make the saving throw.
Barbed Caltrops
As with caltrops, but the damage is 1d4 piercing and the caltrops stick to those who fail their saving throw dealing 1 point of piercing damage for every 5 feet of movement spent. The caltrops can be removed as an action and they must be removed before recovering HP in order to regain movement speed.
Footbane caltrop bag
This magic bag contains 20 caltrops. When the command word is spoken, the caltops spring out of the bag to a location within 15 ft of the caster and spread themselves out over a 10-ft square area. They continue to move around that area until another command word is spoken to return them to the bag, an hour passes, or five creatures fail their saving throw against them as they become too spread out to be effective. Any caltrops not returned to the bag within 1 hour become non-magical. The constant movement of the caltrops make them impossible to hide, however, it also means that moving at half speed does not let a creature avoid having to make the save. If caltrops are lost or left behind they can be replaced by filling the bag with 20 non-magical caltrops and leaving them in the bag for 8 hours.
Acid Vial
As an action, or replacing an attack as part of the attack action, you can splash the contents of this vial onto a creature within 5 feet of you or throw the vial up to 20 feet, shattering it on impact. In either case, make a ranged Attack against a creature or object, treating the acid as an improvised weapon. On a hit, the target takes 2d6 acid damage.
Elemental vial As with acid Vial, but dealing fire, frost, poison, lightning, or thunder damage.
Clinging acid As an action, or replacing an attack as part of the attack action, you can splash the contents of this vial onto a creature within 5 feet of you or throw the vial up to 20 feet, shattering it on impact. In either case, make a ranged Attack against a creature or object, treating the acid as an improvised weapon. On a hit, the target takes 3d6 acid damage. At the end of each of the creatures' turns it takes a number of D6s of acid damage one less than the previous instance. (If it took 3d6 last time it takes 2d6 this time.) A creature may take the use an object action to reduce the next instance of this damage on themselves or an ally within 5 ft by 1d6. A creature proficient with alchemy tools may use the tools as part of the use an object action to reduce the next instance of damage damage by 2d6 instead.
Dragon's Bile [Flavor text] As with clinging acid but the starting damage is 5d6, creatures have disadvantage on saving throws to maintain concentration and while taking the ongoing damage, and the action now requires a DC 15 dexterity check to succeed. (alchemy tool proficiency applies)
Holy water
As an action, or replacing an attack as part of the attack action, you can splash the contents of this flask onto a creature within 5 feet of you or throw it up to 20 feet, shattering it on impact. In either case, make a ranged attack against a target creature, treating the holy water as an improvised weapon. If the target is a fiend or undead, it takes 2d6 radiant damage.
Sacred oil As an action you can apply this oil to a melee or ranged weapon. For 1 minute, attacks made with the weapon are considered magical and deal an additional 1d6 radiant damage to fiends or undead. This oil smells abhorrent to fiends. Once opened, and for one hour after it is applied to a weapon, fiends within 100 feet of the open vial or weapon will not suffer the surprised condition.
Tears of the Saints/Blood of the Martyrs [Flavor text] As an action, you speak a command phrase (usually a prayer of censure) and throw the reliquary up to 30 feet away from you. The souls of the wronged cry out for vengeance and each undead (for tears) or Fiend (for blood) within 30 feet of the target location, that can see or hear, takes 2d6 radiant damage and must make a DC 15 Wisdom saving throw. If the creature fails its saving throw, and its CR is 1 or less it is destroyed (undead) or banished to its home plane (fiends). A creature above CR 1 that fails it's save is turned for 1 minute or until it takes any damage.
A turned creature must spend its turns trying to move as far away from the target location as it can, and it can't willingly move to a space within 30 feet of it. The creature also can't take reactions. For its action, it can use only the Dash action or try to escape from an effect that prevents it from moving. If there's nowhere to move, the creature can use the Dodge action.
Healing potion You regain 2d4+2 hit points when you drink this potion. Drinking or administering a potion takes an action.
Bloodmush! "For people who don't have enough blood in them, so that they can have more blood in them!" -NoRefunds, wandering kobold trader
"Usually made by those who are not serviced by the guilds and do not have the necessary expertise or available raw materials to make healing potions, satchets of this dark red paste are far more likely to be found in orc, goblinoid, and kobold tribes than civilized areas." Archaic Alchemy of the Six Nations, chapter 7
You regain 1d4+1 hit points when you eat this paste or apply it directly to a wound. This takes an action.
Salve "There has been a great deal of arguments regarding Salve. Some claim it is merely another means of applying a healing potion, but be wary. Salve is not regulated by the guild, so there are no laws protecting its quality. Use at your own risk." -Archaic Alchemy of the Six Nations, chapter 2
As an action, one dose of Salve can be swallowed or applied to the skin. The creature that receives it gains benefits according to the following list.
Fake Salve: pain is relieved, but receive no actual benefits.
Fowl Salve: gain 2d4+2 temporary HP. At the end of 1 minute take 2d4 poison damage and lose any remaining temporary HP.
Mediocre salve: regain 1 HP and 2d4 temp HP. At the end of 1 minute if any temp HP from this salve remains, lose the temp HP and regain the same amount of HP.
Quality salve: regain 2d4+2 HP.
Exquisite salve: regain 2d8 + 2 hit points, cease to be poisoned, and becured of up to one non-magical disease.
Unidentified salve: can be identified by using it, or by a creature proficient in alchemist's supplies making a successful DC 15 Intelligence (Alchemist's tools) check as part of a short rest. When identified, roll a D20 and compare it to the following table. 1 fake Salve 2-3 fowl Salve 4-10 mediocre salve 11-19 quality Salve 20 exquisite Salve
DM note: the range of Salve quality in the setting is worse than indicated by the table. The fact that most sellers will not intentionally sell fake or fowl Salve to the heavily armed, notoriously violent adventurers skews the table in their favor.

Rule 2 does not apply within this post; non-Christians may make top-level comments. All other rules apply.
If you want to ask about Trump, please first read some of these previous posts which give a sampling of what redditors think of him, his choices and his history:

• "How do you feel about Donald Trump, and does he truly reflect the values that most Christians preach?"
  
• "Do you think Trump is a Christian or do you think he is faking it?"
  
• "Why does it appear a large amount of Christians have flocked to Donald Trump?"
  
• "Christian Rights and Trump"
  
• "How could evangelicals have fallen for such an un-Christian figure like Trump?"
  
• (and from pre-pandemic): "How can people claim to be Christians, yet support Donald Trump?"
  

Okay so my ex & I dated for 5 years & we broke up in early April. He did initiate the breakup, but I honestly understood where he was coming from because we were having a lot of problems with silly little arguments and it was becoming a lot. We had broke up previously way in the beginning of our relationship (maybe 1 year in & for a very brief time as well). I however thought that it was real this time (although I still had an ounce of hope) and he also treated it like a real break up. We were no contact for 6/7 weeks. We did end on good terms & when we broke up we had promised to update each other on important life events like grad exams & if we got into grad school. He had taken the M-CAT & he reached out to tell me how it went after the 6/7 weeks of no contact. It started off as a friendly conversation just updating on little life events, but it felt so natural it made us both realize how much we missed each other and possibly want to try again. He right of the bat said that he wanted to be transparent and that when we broke up he was devastated & his friends roommate had also been going through a breakup & so they had started talking about it with each other but that she started getting feelings for him & he did not reciprocate those and felt like it was guilty like it was cheating to entertain them but that his friends told him it was how to move on and to just fake it & so she convinced him to do minor stuff (bj). He said he felt even more devastated afterwards bc he felt guilty and regretted and cut all communication with her afterwards because it made him feel sick. This was a month after we broke up. I really wanted to try again, but this is really make me feel sick because we were each others first everything. Ik we weren’t technically together, but it still upsets me & he was honest to tell me. He keeps explaining about how much of a mistake that was, and he regrets it so much. I’m not sure what to do, any advice?

I thought I'd come here and ask since you guys seem to make crazy cool stuff. In my own personal craziness I like to make everything at least look accessible by my employees, like the doors behind ticket booths and such. I want to build fake roof access for buildings in my park, but I don't want to use path stairs as that would simply be too long, and I really don't like how the steel tower block works in the supports tab, does anyone have any ideas on how to build a convincing looking ladder?

Husband of 20 years is probably cheating on me. So here it goes, sll of my dirty secrets.
I, 45f been married to my husband 46, male for over 20 years to a man I met in my early 20’s. We have been very best friends since the day we met but it has been a rocky relationship. I am from an abusive alcoholic family and I was for a time blissfully an alcoholic along with the family. This of coarse was problematic when looking for a date. More than one boyfriend broke up with me because I drank too much, partied too hard and studied too little. Cue in my dream man, he’s responsible, well educated and a heavy drinker. We partied all night and he got up the next day, no matter how hungover and went to work. My mom said that this is normal, it’s how it’s supposed to be. If a man makes it to work everyday then he’s not an alcoholic. By her definition, only a man who misses work can be accused of drinking too much.
I married this replica of my father and for many blissful years we were married and we partied and drank. We’d drink a bottle or two of wine a few nights a week and on weekends we’d stay up all night, often having parties at our home. It was grand fun, until we had kids. All of the sudden I had to handle night feedings and morning diaper changes while tipsy, drunk or hungover. It didn’t take me long to quit, I had already quit for 9 months while pregnant and I had gotten the idea that life is better sober. But my partner didn’t agree. He was drunk most nights while I was pregnant. When I got annoyed and asked him to quit he hid the bottles. I had a second child with him in spite of the drinking (I wanted a matching set), not my best decision but I don’t regret it. When I was at the hospital he looked exhausted so I sent him home to rest. He went home and drank himself into a stupor. My mom had to drive me home from the hospital and when we got home, he was passed out on the living room floor. He slept for another 10 hours like that and he was drunk the entire first week of my daughter’s life. I had to ask my mom to help care for her since I’d had complications with the birth and had over 30 stitches.
His drinking went on for years with me going from kicking him out of the home to drinking with him. Often I would plead with him to quit and he’d refuse. On 4 occasions we separated, each time selling our home and dividing the property. But he’d get sober and he was always very sorry. At this point we had two kids and I needed the help.
Over time things got better and he went years and years without drinking. I had quit altogether after our first child. In fact things go so much better that he asked to start drinking again. He rationalized that he had been sober for 5 years and that he can handle one of two drinks a week. I agreed under the following terms, he can have up to two drinks with dinner once a week. I know this is a terrible decision, I think it’s fair to say that there is a pattern here of gawd awful decisions on my part. This 2 drink agreement lasted a few months but of course two drinks turned into 3, then it turned into a couple nights a week. I saw it was getting out of hand and I banned drinking again.
In the meantime my partner has gotten substantially better looking. It’s through a combination of favourable genetics, some recent work done and some excellent supplements. He aged well going from a 6.5 in his 20’s to a current day 8.5. More than that he’d recently opened a business and it was booming. For the first time in our married life he started to out earn me. For the first 20 years I was the primary wage earner, but now he’s making the more than me (this is temporary as my wage is about to pick up). The woman are noticing him and It’s not lost on me or him. We went to Mexico last year and women were practically following him around and throwing themselves at him. We go out to eat and woman hit on him. They hit on him at the grocery store and they hit on him at work. To his credit he does not respond to this in front of me or the kids. Nor have I ever heard of him hitting on somebody.
I’m a solid 7 - 7.5. I’ve aged okay, I look decent, I’m maybe a little heavier as size 10. But I’m not a hot young thing giggling at him. I am a wife and a mother, so not always sexy, but still quite a lot prettier than average. But realistically on the open market, I’m probably not attracting an 8.5 that earns his kind of money.
About 8 months ago he started coming home from work drunk. He was hiding it but I could smell the booze on his breath. He claimed it was heartburn but I knew better and I ignored it. I just wanted everything to be okay. There was a woman he was working with, he claimed to hate her, she seemed overly interested in him. There were a few incidents, that made me suspicious but he claimed he hated her. He was never home late from work. She moved away and he seemed fine and I was relieved. But a few months after this the drinking started, along with my denial. I guess I kinda figured that who cares if he cheated, she moved away. Now we can get on with our lives.
Recently he’s coming home from work late, but not too late. It’s an hour late here and there. Sometimes he’d claim that he’d have to stay an extra hour. A few times he went completely missing and claimed to have fallen asleep at the office. The problem is that I don’t really know his hours, it’s possible he’s done earlier. For context, he is self employed and rents a space. But other people rent spaces there too,
He’s been coming home drunker and drunker lately while still denying he’s been drinking. I’m ashamed to admit it but I ignored it to the point where I let him drive the kids a few times like that. I was just so far into denial, but I knew somewhere deep down that he was drunk.
He’s normally off work at 5pm and in the car by 5:10pm. But lately he’s not in the car until 5:45pm, ignoring my calls and sometimes coming into the house as late as 6pm. I mean it’s only 45 minutes right? A few times he’d go missing until 7:30 or 8pm and he’d say that he hate a late client appointment and had told me but I forgot. Strangely he’s never hungry when he gets home, in spite of being at work all day. In fact he’s not hungry 2 - 3 times a week. He told me that his stomach is bothering him.
Last night he went missing so I went to his office to look for him. I found him asleep in his office alone with an empty bottle of hard alcohol on his desk. I checked his office drawer and it was full of empty bottles. The office is a disaster, messy and all that. I’m not sure how he sees clients in a room like that and I’m worried that he’s taking appointments drunk. His business is doing really well and building it up was a joint effort. I’m worried that his drinking will destroy everything we built.
I woke him up and he was visibly drunk. He told me that he wants to stay at the office to sleep it off and that no he doesn’t want to talk about it and he didn’t come home. It’s been 6 hours. The thing is, that he hates sleeping in his work clothes and his office is desperately uncomfortable. I just don’t see him staying there overnight alone.
When the drinking flared up 6 months ago, it was just him drinking alone. But when he was sober he was still my best friend. But over time he’s stopped responding when I speak. He tells me that he drinks because he can’t stand to listen to my problems anymore. If I ask him about his day I get a one word answer. More and more he looks at me with contempt while drinking. But even stranger, he wants sex more often, I don’t know why this is. But he’s weird about it and hounding me. He’s going on and on about how to wants to try a sex position we’ve never done, talking about how much he likes it. He’s also looking over my shoulder and checking my phone, which is new. it’s intrusive as I don’t even know his passcode and feel no temptation to check his phone.
He gets paid in cash and has a drawer full of it at the office so I can’t check his cards.
Now I know what you are going to say. He’s definitely cheating, I mean he probably is. But we live in a no fault place so what does it matter if I get proof or not? Also I have two kids to think of and we aren’t in a financial position to leave. I will need time to pay down our joint debt and I need a new job. I’m thinking that the best course of action is to stay silent and improve my situation so that I can support my kids and myself. I think this works for him too as he doesn’t want to get stuck with all sorts of child support or alimony. Giving me time to get back on my feet and improve my financial position works for both of us.
The thing is that if I even bring up getting divorced or separated he says that I am the light of his life. He says that he loves me and that I’m his best friend. He says that he doesn’t want to leave. Then I feel so badly. If I even broach the topic of separating, he’ll shut it down so quickly. He’s overwhelming and persistent and he out talks me. I think there’s no use in talking it out and I don’t see us living together well under some sort of “arrangement”.
Do you have any advice on what to do next? Do you have any idea why he’s acting this way? If he wants to separate why not just do it? Also what’s with the increased sex drive?
One of the oddities is that I’ve been doing really great lately. I’ve lost some weight, my hair is looking good. My business sucks but I’ve been taking on new gigs and retraining. I’m becoming a person that I’m really proud of and every day seems to be getting better. But the better I do, the more contempt he seems to have for me. I can see the bitterness in his drunkenness. And he gets drunks on nights when I have to work and when I have something important going on. He blames the drinking on me. He says that I only talk about myself (maybe I do, I’m trying to improve). He says that I ask too much of him and that I make him contribute to the house too much but I do 100% of the grocery shopping, cooking, lunches, school stuff, homework and kids activities. He comes home and goes straight to bed while complaining that he’s doing too much. Meanwhile I’m breaking myself trying to make the home perfect enough.
Is there any chance that he’s just old and tired and not cheating? I mean he’s only missing for 45 minutes a day? I should mention that he’s stopped answering my calls during the workday and stopped reading my texts.
The weird thing is that I felt relieved to find him surrounded by booze bottles and I’m glad he’s done tonight. I’ve spent the majority of my adult life begging him to be sober. Tonight I could see the contempt in his eyes towards me. I just don’t know that I can move past it. I think I just want to be free from this now.
Do you have any advice? I’ve never been through anything like this and I could use some support and guidance.
I think that taking 4 - 6 months to resolve the situation might be best. This gives me time to find a new job and to pay down some debt and bolster savings.

Deep down I knew I don’t need permission or confirmation that my mother is generally malignant and the ultimate source of suffering in my life right now. But I can’t accept why my own mother would do that to me.
So I am turning to you for advice, support, and insights for ways to separate yourself emotionally and individuate from your parents later in life when you should've done so much much earlier. The adult part of me knows what I should do but there is also a part of me that is frightened. let me give you a snapshot of my life trajectory. The story is long but I want to give you as much contexts as possible. If you want a short summary of the dilemma, go to the last paragraph, otherwise, here is my life story (it is long because I want to give as much context as possible, and also show clues for the many different ways a narcissistic parent can disrupt your life): I grew up in a well-to-do family in an East Asian country, my parents gave birth to me when they were in their early 20s and just as their business started taking off in the 'boom years'. Both of them came from very broken family, my mother suffered poverty, abuse, and neglect from her parents (she did not speak to her dad until he died, and almost never acknowledges her mother). My father was the least favourite child in his family of three, he dropped out of high school, ended up on the street (and, as I learnt a few years ago, later in prison for getting into fights). My mother met my dad (21) when she was 19 and ran away from her hometown, they grew a very successful business together in the early to mid 20s and became incredibly wealthy for a society that is generally still very poor. I had a lot of luxuries in my early childhood, we had a car, I had good clothing, but my parents were never around. I started boarding at the age of 3, and generally spent most of my time outside of kindergarten and school with my paternal grandparents, and occasionally, my mum's mother. My parents fought a lot, and I remember my mother threatening to take me away from my dad and drove away from home with me in a car with nowhere specific to go. Once things got really bad and my mother told me that she is divorcing my father, and we even went into another flat (for a grand total of 1 day) before returning home. She emotionally smothered me, told me that she would die for me and nobody would love me as much as her. As the expression in our language puts it ' You are a piece of flesh fallen from my body'. She hit me a lot, often over small things , sometimes in public, I remember being thrown outside of our apartment and crying in the corridor. But I thought she was better than my father, whom, in my mother's words, would swiftly remarry in an event of her death/departure, and I would then be abused by another evil mother in law and her offsprings. My dad was completely absent from my childhood save for the first year (I remember playing video game, going to the park with him at the age of 3).
Although my family was wealthy, my mother took me out of the posh international school I was in after 6 months and sent me to a state school that is (in)famous for being extremely strict and militant. I was a 'good, smart kid' in primary school, but when I got to the state school at the age around 12 or 13, I became very depressed and that life has no purpose. I was falling at almost all school subjects (except History), and I started drinking (my dad drank a lot, and alcoholism is culturally tolerated if not perpetuated). At this point something happened that saved me in retrospect. My family decided to emigrate to an anglophone New World country and I went to yet another boarding school there. Yes, I experienced racism and generally felt horrible about the way I looked (not good looking in the Western sense or sporty), but I got to be separated from my family and grew as an individual. My grades got better, and by year 12, 13 I was among the best performing students. Between 13-18, I rarely see my father (perhaps once or twice a year), my mother would visit periodically, they bought a house next to the school, so I started to live in the house (mostly alone, sometimes with my mother and whatever hapless young women she manipulated into being her assistant). My parents couldn't speak English, and I dealt with most family matters, as with many first gen immigrant kid. By the time that I was supposed to go to university, I wanted to do law & politics at the public university in my adopted hometown but then my father intervened stating that I would never get a good job at a respectful company with a degree from the backwater 2nd rate university. He insisted that I should go to the U.K. or the U.S. He also stopped me from taking a gap year to travel, so I mostly stayed at home, played game, whilst being a driver and an assistant to them for a year. I regret not leaving home and getting a job. I applied to many universities in the U.K, Canada, and Australia, got into most of them, and ended up choosing the worst ranked university because I wanted to be in London. I couldn't do a conjoint degree so I chose to study politics (as that's what I was interested in). University life was eye opening, I got to see Europe, realised that the world was much bigger than the conformist, conservative East Asian country and the backwater suburbs with strip-malls and junk food stores I grew up in. But the degree did not prepare me for life, and all those years of bad parenting, emotionally under-development made me miserable in my first taste of adult relationships. I chose emotionally distant if not abusive friends, was a horrible person who hurt people who actually liked me and loved me. I did no internship or travel because I was expected to go home during school holiday, helping them move house, looking after guests, and being the 'little husband' when my mother was giving brith to my youngest sibling. I really wanted to stay in London, I looked for jobs, very random jobs because I had no life skills and never ever made my own money. So in the end, I left, and had to return to East Asia. By this time, my father had moved to another, more cosmopolitan East Asian city as his lifestyle became more and more extravagant. I lived with him and started interning at a fancy company in the culture industry. I worked there for almost a year hoping they would offer me a job, they did not. I got another job fairly soon in brand consulting, and finally at the age of 23 started making money. I had a relationship with an older woman, she was kind and tolerant, and I was an arse. I also realised that I cannot combine intimacy and sex at this point. I tried to start my own freelancing consultancy, acquired the ability to impress other people (faking it). Things seem to be working, I almost made enough money to support my life, but I was fundamentally lost and unhappy. I had the first depressive episode in my life. I wanted to go back to London, to get a Masters degree. So I applied and got into my dream school, my father agreed to pay for my education, so off I went to university again. That was probably the happiest year of my life, it turned out I loved elements of academia, research, being with other smart nerdy people. I met an intelligent, caring, and beautiful woman, and we moved in together soon after. I discovered more fulfilling, freer ways to live, I found proofs that a successful life was not just about working for an investment bank, or being rich. I wanted to be an academic, so I applied for a PhD at the school, and I got in after two attempts. Academia isn't all rosy, the work condition is pretty awful, the publish or perish mentality literally sucks every last bit of joy and fulfilment out of research, I loved teaching, but quickly learnt that teaching matters little at a 'research university'. I got fat, my relationship got really bad, sex became non-existent, arguments soon turned physical, and I thought that I was a real piece of shit and better off dead. The only thing that kept me going at the time? Bitterness and shame. I felt indebted to everyone, to my partner because I was an abusive arsehole, and to my family because I was stupid enough to do a PhD and wasting their money (and my life away). The pandemic hits, and sure enough, things got even worse, I felt like I couldn't carry on anymore and that I needed to radically un-f my life. My solution to this: was to finally become the person my family wanted me to be, filial, loyal, and rich. I was ready to threw my life in London away, everything, my home, my girlfriend, my PhD and move back to East Asia to become rich, and 'stop being a loser'. I came home to 'fix my family' and showered everyone with love and attention in ways I never did. I networked and explored ways to get into finance, and I got an at a VC firm. Soon enough, the whole thing completed backfired and my life started to unravel faster than I could count to three. I hated the internship, it fundamentally clashed with who I was and my value, I cried everyday in the toilet at work. I also broke up with my girlfriend for a person who was the poplar opposite of her that I had no attachment to (and sex was great because there was zero emotional intimacy). Within 3 months, I had very little savings left, was living in a short term rental apartment, and spent most of my time in bed and eating very unhealthily. Luckily, I had a therapist, a good friend in Shanghai, and my girlfriend was willing to give me a second chance. It was also around this time I realised how my family's (what do you even call it) emotional neglect might have contributed to my unhappiness and depression. I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and medicated, the medicine helped for me to move out of paralysis. But I wanted to tell my family that I am very unwell and get them to love me back, so I confronted them over things they have done to me as a kid and showed them the diagnosis. My mother did not handle this well. She called me horrible names, made fun of me, and accused me for being a horrible son. This whole ordeal made me realise that I needed to break away from them, and what I had thrown away in London was actually the most valuable things I have in life, a career, a family, my own identity. After confronting my mother over her abusive behaviour and emotional smothering, she vowed to never see me again. However, after 6-8 months, she sent me a large chunk of money for my birthday. So I, stupidly, let her back into my life again, a part of the reason was the financial help that I needed (to feel safe mostly), but I also really wanted to see proofs that my parents actually did love and accept me after all. At first, things got better, she came for Christmas, visited a few times, celebrated her birthday, and looked really happy. Both my partner and I spent a lot of time with her, bought her gifts, cooked for her, and hang out with her to make sure she feels loved. But soon, she started complaining that she actually had a horrible time and was mistreated by my partner. To make matter worse, a year and half after I left home for the last time thinking that I would never go back, my parents promise to buy me a flat (and started to pressure me to get married). I accepted the flat, thinking that it would offer stability and freedom (pushing away the past experience of their emotional neglect and abusiveness). Sure enough, the flat became yet another way for my mother to mess with my life. It had daunted on her that I am about to become my own person and live in the flat and start a family of my own, so she lashed out and said if my girlfriend lives there she would sue me and reclaim the flat. She then went behind my back and started disputing the flat's ownership. We have already spent a lot of time and energy planning the move and all of this is happening just 2/3 weeks from the move-in. I have a demand job that requires a lot of cognitive focus, and I feel like I am spending a decent chunk of my day trying to resolve the situation in addition to processing the emotional toll of having my own mother out to destroy my life. I know I have a job, a family, and my own life, and I have a good legal case, but I also feel so unsafe, violated, and confused. I can almost feel the voice in my head telling me that this is all my doing, and that I am too weak. It is like I know what I need to do cognitively but emotionally I am paralysed. Do you think what I mean? What would you do?

I know some probably won’t believe me, but this story is 100% true. The only thing I’ve life about in this story are the names. This really did happen to me and my family
Prologue: This is very long story, and will be split into two parts, so be prepared for a bumpy ride. To premise this trilogy, there are a couple thing you need to know. We are on a vacation to LA. My mom, Allie, is a doctor, and my dad, Joel, works in IT. They’ve got three kids. Me, Henry, my twin brother, Jake, and my younger sister, Ella. All names in this are replaced with fakes. None of us have been to LA before, but my parents have travelled the world, so they know how travelling works. My brother and I are both in the school band. We arrive from LA back home at midnight on the 6th of April, then leave for a school band trip to Portugal on the 8th. I am the lead drummer for all three bands, and one of only four basses in the choir, so I cannot miss the trip. My brother plays bass, but there are others who can play bass in the band. This information is to be used for all three parts of this story.
Part 1: The Drive The story starts at our Airbnb in LA. We have to leave the airport to go home. The plane leaves at 11:00pm and my dad wanted to leave at 7:00pm just to be safe. My mom said that it was fine and that we could leave at 8:00pm, my dad agreed. So the time was set. 8 PM, we would leave. We leave a little late, 8:05-8:10, because Ella, who’s 7 years old, was making a fuss. We leave, and take the 40 minute drive to LAX.
We arrive at the airport, and my dad gets into the six lanes of traffic that are converging into 1 lane going into LAX. We wait in our rental car for 30 minutes, and we have to go to the rental car return. My dad starts driving while following the signs. He takes a right, takes a right, then takes a right, and we’re right back at the six lane hellhole. My dad sees this, goes “hell no”, and turns around ON THE FREEWAY. Nothing bad happens, no horrific injuries. And we go back the way we came, through the rental car return road, making sure to follow every sign TO THE LETTER. It takes us right back.
My dad is panicking, because at this point, the plane leaves in 1:40, and we’re not in the airport. Anybody who’s travelled knows that that’s risky. My dad starts telling us in the car to look on the maps and figure out a way in. The only person who listens is my brother and my mom. My sister is playing Minecraft, and I’m listening to a podcast. After about five minutes, my dad starts yelling and I hear him, “RENTAL CAR RETURN, LOOK IT UP!!!”. This is when I realize that something is wrong. So I started to help.
My sister still playing on her iPad, we look for rental car returns. I keep asking him which one, but there’s so much yelling going on in the car that he can’t hear me. I could not tell you what the was yelling about. Because of the way LAX was built and how it expanded so quickly, the car returns are 2 miles in a different direction on the freeway, which is why the signs were telling us to go back there.
My mom says she found a way, not on Apple maps though, she just looked on a satellite map. Big mistake, because we get there and there’s a giant concrete barrier blocking our way. At this point, we’re all panicking because the plane leaves in an hour. Finally my dad yells out “Search up Hertz car returns!”. We find it, we drive there, and my dad being a “Gold Member” doesn’t have to do any paperwork when signing off the car. He just leaves the car and its keys, tells us to sprint to the shuttlebus to hold it while he signs off on the car.
We get in the shuttle bus, and my sister starts to cry. She left her new water bottle in the Airbnb. There’s no way in hell we’re going now, so we tell her to suck it up. My parents are completely convinced that we’re missing the flight, my brother is trying to be optimistic, while I am stressing out, trying to figure out a way to get there faster, because the shuttle bus went right back in the six lane hell that we had to go for a half an hour.
We sit in the shuttle bus for 20 minutes waiting, and we finally make it to the first terminal. The way LAX is structured is It’s like a horseshoe. Going from one, curving, then to six or seven. We have to be at terminal six. We’re not gonna make it. There’s 40 minutes left, and it took 20 minutes to get to the first terminal. I’m panicking, thinking, and I realize why can’t we just walk? I told my dad and he says that might just work, because it’s a horseshoe, and terminal seven is closer than terminal four by walking. So we tell the shuttle bus driver to stop the bus and let us off.
We SPRINT to the gate, and it takes us 10 minutes. We get to the desk and the lady there says “What flight?” My dad says Toronto. The lady makes a 😬 face. She says “Put a bag on each scale. I’ll do this, you run.” We all thank her furiously, then run. There’s 30 minutes, and we just got in the building, haven’t even got through security yet. He get to security, and this is LAX, what you would assume to be a VERY busy airport, and the security is completely empty, save or two or three people. We see this, and parents, although they were already sprinting, realize that there really is a chance we could make the flight, so they start to really, really sprint as fast as we could keep up. I’m surprised our legs didn’t come off.
10 minutes before the flight leaves, we get out of security. As we’re all sprinting down the hall, home alone style, I turn around and see that my mom and my sister have vanished, I tell my dad, then sprint back. Turns out they’re in a souvenir shop, getting gifts for mom’s coworkers, and Ella’s teachers. I yell at them, “What the hell are you doing?!?!?! RUN!!!” We get to the gate less than 5 minutes before the plane left. We made it.
We get to our seats, and relax. Everything is going well. Then, about an hour and a half into the flight, my dad hears a loud thump, coming from right in front of him. It’s an overnight flight, so everyone around him is asleep. He looks out to the aisle and sees a pair of legs on the floor… End of Part 1

hello, just a quick one regarding our rules & the state of the comments lately!
first and foremost, this is a subreddit for FINDING fashion items.
we have received numerous complaints about how the top comments never seem to be helpful with members actually finding the items anymore. threads are getting derailed pretty quickly with arguments & unrelated discussion, which is not helpful to anyone.
there are plenty of other subreddits for general fashion discussion, here are some:

• /whatthefrockk
• /fashion
• /femalefashionadvice
• /malefashionadvice

civil discussion in our subreddit is fine as long as it's related to the post, and helping OP in their search for said item.
onto our rules - don't be rude
it's ridiculous that we even have to clarify this, but negative unsolicited opinions are RUDE. we always say if it's not helpful then keep it yourself, but a lot of commenters don't seem to understand that rudeness is not limited to "dress is ugly".
"well i didn't call the item ugly i just said it's not appropriate to wear to work" - guess what, no one asked! this is not a subreddit for you to personally decide what clothing you consider appropriate for whatever occasion, again it's for FINDING fashion items. if OP wants to wear a mini skirt to work, cool! let them! if OP want's to wear trousers with ass cut outs, good for them! if OP is looking for a specific "controversial" item, i highly doubt they care about your judgement.
some other examples of unhelpful comments -

• "try google"
• "i wore it in middle school"
• "thrift store"
• "ask (the person in the photo)"
• "1987"
• "diy/make it yourself"

please keep in mind that if someone is using our subreddit to find specific items, they might not have the knowledge of basic fashion terms. what's obvious to you, might not be obvious to others.
if a design is simple enough to make it yourself, yet OP didn't know how to look for it, what makes you think they'd have the skillset to make it themselves? not everyone knows how to sew.
as for thrift stores, not everyone lives in the US with easy accessible second hand clothing. and besides, someone with no knowledge of fashion might have no idea where to start looking in one!
we also have a new rule - no body shaming
the body shaming comments have got to stop. every day we are removing rude, unwanted opinions on other people's bodies. it's NOT appropriate to ask OP what their weight is, "do you have the ass for that?" etc. nor is it appropriate to insult or comment on the body of the person in the photo posted, regardless of whether they're famous or not.
if you see someone breaking rules in our subreddit then please report it & the mods will remove it asap. i know things can get heated sometimes but we'd rather you didn't resort to arguments, don't give these clowns the attention they crave.
tldr: don't be fucking rude

okay this is gonna be confusing because i’m a bad story teller but for the sake of the story im gonna give my ex a fake name Beck (16 m) and i’m 16 (girl)
this is a very big ramble so my apologies
now me and beck became friends in january 2024 and right off the bat i told him i was bisexual because some people had issues with it and if he was going to have an issue with it id rather it happen now and not when we were better friends but he said he didn’t have an issue with it and it never rly got brought again other then small comments/jokes like sometimes id say something about being bi and he’d say “but you don’t rly know if you’re bi because you’ve never been with either of them” and i’d be like “yeah i do like how do you know you like girls? it’s the same thing” and we would drop it. (this is important i promise lol)
(another thing i feel like i need to say is that im assigned female at birth, but recently ive started to wonder if im trans, and atp im pretty sure i am im just scared because of my parents and other reasons but just keep this in mind)
beck started dropping hints that he had a crush on me and even started telling my friends that he liked me. i tried to be pretty up front with the fact that i didn’t like him like that and he seemed to understand and it was never brought up for a few weeks and then in feb/march ish i started to develop a crush so i told him because i wanted to be up front about it and he said he did like me and we decided to go slow with it because it was just new and we started dating mid march (it was rly fast looking back at it)
looking back, beck had always been pretty standoffish about his sexuality, like he could joke about other people but no one was allowed to joke about his, because he was straight and he didn’t like it when people joked about it other wise, which was annoying because he was being hypocritical but i just wrote it off and ignored it because i thought i was being dramatic. now, around mid april i started realizing how uncomfortable it made me when beck would call me his girl and a woman and i realized i didn’t want to be his girlfriend but his boyfriend. i was scared to tell him because again he’d always been so adamant that he was straight and always seemed disgusted otherwise. i brought it up and he was just kind of quiet and said he’d love me anyway but then a few seconds later called me a girl again so i felt like he wasn’t really listening so i just tried to write it off again
a month ish goes by of me trying to explain my worries about us staying together with me being trans and how his parents would react and how he wouldn’t rly like it when i didn’t look like a girl anymore and he would always write it off and say it wasn’t a big deal and it would be okay. right before the two month mark of us dating i broke up with him because i just felt like we were too different and it just wouldn’t work with where the two of us were at right now because he wanted to have kids and get married and i really didn’t want that so i thought it would be best to end it before either of us got more involved in the relationship. beck pretty much obsessively texted me for around a week after i ended it and the majority of it was just him begging me to change my mind and saying he was sorry and he loved me and couldn’t live without me and that i was his only source of happiness. i’m not going to lie, i really could t take him seriously because we had been dating for barely 2 months, and only known each other for about 6 months. this behavior continues for days on end and he starts posting on socials about how he doesn’t care about anything and he starts vaping and skipping his classes which worries me because i don’t want anything to happen to him and it’s my fault he’s using so i was trying to fix it yk? all my friends said i was being stupid and needed to block him but i felt bad about it. i did eventually block him on some things, but i unblocked him because he asked me why i did it and i didn’t know what to say because i felt bad and thought i was being mean.
he also cried to anyone that would listen about how much he missed me and how he couldn’t eat or sleep. he called a few of my friends and just cried and would be upset if they didn’t answer him.
a few days go by and he’s kind of calm down on the begging and we kind of start to be friends again and he keeps asking me why i didn’t want to try and fight for our relationship because in his words “if i actually ever loved him i would’ve fought for him”
i tell him that it just wouldn’t work out because (among other reasons that are personal) i want to be a guy and that he’s straight and doesn’t like men and beck said “well it wouldn’t even be gay anyway” which was whatever i just kept reiterating that i want to be a guy and he said that he wanted me, as his gf or as his bf, that he didn’t care and that i wouldn’t even really be a guy anyways, that i would always be a girl. that stung, im not gonna lie, but whatever. i ended up asking him the if he was straight, because if he said yes i was going to say “you can’t be with me and be straight because i’m not a girl. i’d be your boyfriend you’d have a boyfriend. not a girl” but then he says “actually i’m bi”
yall. when i tell you my jaw dropped i mean my jaw DROPPED. i was like wtf you were literally ready to fight ppl over calling you gay as a joke.
i asked him if he actually was or if he was just telling me that because it was what i wanted to hear and he said no that he really was so i believed him because i didn’t have a reason not to and he asked if we could get back together and i said no, because of the transphobic things he had been saying and just the way he treated some of my friends bothered me, and he seemed upset and just said agin that if i really cared i would’ve tried to fix it and that i was only hurting myself and i said that i was fine and we have only spoken in short convo since then, which was like a week ago
i know none of this probably makes sense but i need someone to tell me if im being crazy and if i led him on and broke his heart for nothing because i feel rly bad. like maybe i should’ve ignored what i was feeling and let him be happy but then that wouldn’t have been fair to him because he deserves someone who loves him the way he loves and i can’t give him that
my friends and mom think that he is trying to manipulate me and lovebomb me but i don’t think that’s his intention
anyway thoughts are appreciated 😻
some notes in case my rambles didn’t make sense- i’m bisexual, basically everyone but my family knows because it wouldn’t be safe. to the general public, i’m a cis girl, but to my closest friends they know that im thinking about transitioning when it’s safe but i haven’t picked out a name or changed my pronouns yet, if that makes sense
as far as i know im the only one that beck has told he’s bisexual . actually he said during the last convo that he told me he had dated a boy before me but i cannot recall that convo at all?? which doesn’t mean anything but i feel like its worth noting
keep in mind we have only known each other since january and began dating mid march to mid may, so this all happened in the span of 5 ish months. very teenage angst i would think
(i didn’t really proofread so im sorry for bad grammar or mistakes )
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Hi everyone. This is a new account, but I've actually been on reddit in one guise or another for years. I'm a 54F, and currently life is a real struggle, mainly due to physical illness. I have bowel disease and a stoma bag, and am currently awaiting an op to repair a fistula which keeps getting infected. I am permanently exhausted, and can't work at present, but I do try and keep myself occupied with writing groups and book groups. I only mention this because it gives people a bit of background.
I have problems with co-dependency and often end up in situations or relationships (not romantic - I've given up on that!) which are unhealthy and then I have to extricate myself from. I was in a high-demand, high-control religious group for years and had to fight my way out of that - I'm out now, thank God, but it was extremely stressful.
I am a member of the local church although I haven't been going much lately. I have a friend there, who is considerably older than me. I don't have many friends, so I like to hang onto those I do have. However, lately I've been finding her a bit difficult. She is very kind, but says really hurtful things sometimes. I'm not the only person to have had trouble with this. Sometimes the digs are subtle and you think, "Did she just say what I think she said, or am I imagining it?" For example, I had an appointment with the local mental health team last week, and told her about it. She expressed surprise that it was an in-person appointment when surely that kind of thing could be dealt with on the telephone, especially when doctors are treating people over the phone they should actually be seeing in person? She then went on a rant about snowflake young people with "fake mental health problems" - she added that she wasn't making a point and didn't mean me!
I'm also gay and she is quite suspicious of gay people, saying that they should keep it to themselves. I've kept it to myself for 50 years - much good that did me!
We went out yesterday for coffee. I have to take a special cushion everywhere I go and carrying it is exhausting, but I do try. The entire time she just ranted about how awful and weak young people were nowadays. She then got very huffy when I asked politely if she could drive me to an ATM. She did take me, but obviously didn't want to.
The friendship started off so well but I find her aggression and opinionated behaviour quite difficult. What do I do? Maybe I am one of those snowflake youngsters she seems to despise so much, but I can't help my health problems!
She's meant to be taking me to church tomorrow but I just don't feel like it, as I know she'll make me walk to her house afterwards, carrying my blasted cushion. I'm exhausted and have had enough. But whether it's me taking my frustrations out on other people, I just don't know. I just don't seem to be very good at relationships of any kind. Thanks for reading!

Im wanting to crochet covers for my car's front seats (just the actual seat part, not the back) because I cannot stand the feel of leather on my bare legs when I wear shorts. My goal is to make it a big circle that turns into a square, but I'm trying to figure out how many stitches to start off with in the magic ring.
Im wanting to use Caron Cotton Ripple Cakes Yarn with a size 4 mm hook.

11/20/2017
Log book of Det. Ryan Snow
Case #2798: The Appalachian Murders
When I woke up, I was in such a haze that I couldn’t make out where I was at first. My vision was a blur and all I could hear was the sounds of rushing water. I tried to move my limbs, but each muscle down to my little finger felt like lead weighing down on me, making it hard to breathe.
It felt like forever before the ringing in my ear was slowly swallowed out by a voice crying out from what sounded like a distance only to grow louder as it seemed to approach me from the void I had woken up in. It wasn’t until I heard my name that I recognized it was Kate’s voice, pleading and filled with tears.
I blinked away the blur, finding myself staring up at a water damaged ceiling, a single yellow light brightening the room. My head was pounding and my body still felt heavy, but I moved my head enough to turn and see where Kate was calling from. It took a moment, but I soon realized that she was lying on her back, strapped by her arms and legs to a metal table, looking to me with wide terrified eyes.
“Detective, please help!” She cried out. “Please don’t be dead! Please help me!”
“Bl-Black…Well…” I groaned out as I tried, painfully, to pick myself up off the stone floor, “Black…Well… Ah… Shit… Shit! Ms. Blackwell-“ I was gaining consciousness minute by minute as I finally took in the situation and got to my feet. However, the moment I had gotten to my feet and began running to Kate only to immediately fall back to the floor once again, my ankle getting caught by something heavy. I turned to see my ankle had been shackled to the floor by a cuff and chains. I searched my person to find my coat, along with my Glock had been taken, blood decorating my pants and sleeves. I placed a palm to my forehead to find blood when I lowered it down to look at the warm liquid slithering down from my scalp.
“Ms. Blackwell,” I returned my attention to her, examining what I could from my place on the floor, “are you alright, are you hurt?”
“I… I… I don’t… Don’t think so…” she managed to whine out.
“Where’s Mr. Raines?”
To this question, Kate looked away from me, sobbing being her only verbal response.
I went back to the shackles on my ankle and began trying to yank the chains off from the floor, but they had been well maintained and were too strong for me to simply yank out of the stone. I then quickly looked around the room to find we were in a different basement from the one in Cabin #3, though it had the same kind of layout, the table the only major difference. I also took note of the blood stains that trailed from the sides of the table and the dried pools below.
“I want my mom!” Kate cried out, her voice echoing in the empty room.
“I’ll get you to her, I will, I promise,” I assured her, trying to find something, anything to get us out of this, “do you remember how we got down here?”
“I… I… I just re-remember… Remember you g-getting knocked out… Knocked out by someone and them… Them putting a rag over me… Then everything went black… Then I woke… Woke up… H-Here…” Kate answered, trying to breathe with each sob she let out. “I… I th-thought… y-you… You were d-d-… Dead!”
“I’m not, I’m very much alive and I’m going to get you out of here and back to your parents,” I vowed as I continued looking for a way out of this situation, “we’re going to get you out of here, get you home, and we’ll make sure no one ever gets hurt here ever-“
The sound of the basement door from the splintered wooden steps cut me off. I listened as feet descended down the steps to the basement below, Kate’s ragged breaths the only other sound. The person who came down was a woman. The same exact woman from the photo I had found in her house. She looked as if she had not aged since that photo was taken, despite how long ago it seemed the photo was taken. She had the same exact long, white hair, same tired looking eyes, and same disgustingly pale skin as in that photo and on her profile picture. It was Mrs. Larson.
“Deeeeeetectiiiiiiive,” she spoke in a hoarse voice mixed with what I assumed was her own and several others, both male and female, adult and child, “youuuuuuu shouuuullld haaaaaaaaave juuuuuuusssssst giiiiiven herrrrrrr toooooo meeeeee… Youuuuuuuu diiiiiiiiid nooooooot haaaaaave toooooooo ssssssseeeee thiiiiiissssss…”
“Fuck you!” I shouted, beginning to charge at the elderly woman only to be yanked back by my shackles. “Let us go, right now!”
“Nnnnooooo,” Mrs. Larson replied harshly as she stepped over to loom over Kate.
“Stay away from her!” I barked, trying desperately to break free of my shackles.
She ignored me as she ran a shaky hand down along Kate’s trembling face. “Ooooooooohhhhh, Kaaaaaate… Sweeeeet, sweeeeeeeet, Kaaaaaaaaaate…” Mrs. Larson cooed as she went on stroking Kate’s wet cheek. “Doooooo noooooooot crrrrrrryyyyyyy, dooooooonnnnnn’t thiiiiiiiiiinnnnk oooooofff iiiiiiiit aaaaaaaassssss dyyyyyyyyiiiiinnnnng, thiiiiiiiiinnnk ooooooooffff iiiiiiit aaaaaassssss ssssssssaaaaaaaaaviiiiiiinnng aaaaaannnnoooootherrrrrrrrr liiiiiiiiife.”
“I-I… I d-don’t… Don’t under-understand… w-what th-that… That m-means…” Kate cried, her hands gripping the sides of the metal table beneath her, “P-Please, d-don’t… Don’t kill me… L-Let… Let us-us go!”
“Nnnnnoooooo,” Mrs. Larson answered in the same harshness she used on me, “IIIIIIIII neeeeeeeed youuuuuuuuuu,” she then shot a death glare my way through tired, silver eyes, “aaaaaaaannnnnnd heeeeeeeeee’ssssssss beeeeeeeeeennnnnn nnnnnnnoooooooothiiiiiiiiinnnnnng buuuuut aaaaaa thooooooorrrrrrnnnn iiiiiiinnnnn myyyyyyyyy ssssssssiiiiiiiide siiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnccccccce youuuuuu eeeeeessssssscaaaaaaped meeeeeeee.” She then looked back to Kate with a softer look. “Aaaaaaaassssss fffffoooooorrrrr whaaaaaaaat youuuuuuu caaaaaannnn’t uuuuuunnnnnnderrrrrrssssssstaaaaaaannnnnnd, IIIIIIIIII nnnnnneeeeeeed yourrrrrrrrrr heaaaaaaaarrrrrt tooooooo ssssssssaaaaaavvvvvvve myyyyyyy ssssssiiiiiiiisssssssterrrrrrrr.”
“The fuck does that mean?” I demanded, still trying to vain to pull my ankle from the chains. “How the hell will Kate’s heart save your sister?”
“Diiiiiiiiidnnnnnn’t nnnnnnneeeeeeed toooooo beeeee Kaaaaaaate’sssssss,” admitted Mrs. Larson, “buuuuuuuut sssshhhhhheeeeee hiiiiiiiiid theeeeee ooooooootherrrrr giiiiirrrrrrllllll ffffffrrrrroooooommmmm mmmmmeeeeee.”
“S-Son… Sonja…” Kate sniffed, the tears still streaming down her face.
“IIIIIIII oooooooonnnnnlllllyyyyy neeeeed fffffffeeeeeemmmmmaaaaallllle,” Mrs. Larson dismissed Ms. Greymoore’s name, “ffffffeeeeeeemmmmmaaaaaallllle heaaaaaaaarrrrrrrtsssss toooooo rrrrrrreeeeeetuuuuurrrrrrnnnnn mmmmmmyyyyy ssssiiiiissssssterrrrrrrrr toooooo theeeeeeee giiiiirrrrrllllll ssssshhhhhheeeee uuuuuuuusssssed tooooo beeeeeee.”
“That’s a fucking joke right?” I asked. “The hell makes you think eating a female heart will turn your sister back into a human woman? Have you seen what’s happened to your sister?”
“IIIIIIIII knnnnnnnooooooow beeeeeeecaaaauuuuusssssse iiiiiiiiiiit wooooooorrrrrked ooooooonnnnn mmmmmeeeeee,” Mrs. Larson explained, “IIIIIIIIIII waaaaaasssss aaaaaaablllllllle toooooo reeeeeeetaaaaiiiiiinnnnnn thiiiiiiiiiisssssss huuuuuummmmmmaaaaaannnnn fffffffooooorrrrrrmmmm ffffffrrrrrooooommmm eeeeeaaaaatiiiiiinnnnnng theeeeeeee heaaaaaaaaarrrrrtsssss, sssssspecifffffficaaaaaaallllllyyyyyy fffffffeeeeeemmmmmaaaaallllleeee sssssssooooooo IIIIIIIIII mmmmmmaaaaaayyyyyy rrrrrreeeeetuuuurrrrrnnnnn toooo beeeeeiiiiinnnng theeeeeeee giiiiiirrrrrrrllllll IIIIIII uuuuuuusssssed toooooooo beeeeeee.”
“You were dead,” I pointed out, “they found your body up here, you were buried.”
“Theeeeeessssssse sssshhhhheeeeeellllllsssss arrrrrrre mmmmmeeeeeerrreeeellllyyy veeeeeessssssellllllssssss ffffffoooooorrrrrr theeeeeeee sssssspiiiiirrrrriiiiiitsssss weeeee hiiiiiiiiiiide beeeeeneeeeaaaaattthhhh,” Mrs. Larson responded, finally turning her gaze to me, “IIIIIIII haaaaaaad tooooooo maaaake peeeopllllle beeeelieevvvve IIIIIII haaaaaad diiiiiiied tooooo keeeeeep frrrrroooommm theeeee poooooollllliiiiicccce ffffrrrrrrooooommmm pooookiiiiiinnnng aaaaarrrrouuuuuunnnnd aaaaannnnnd rrrrruuuiiinnnnniiinnnng eeeevvvveeerrrrryyythiiiiinnnng.”
“So, let me just get this whole thing straight,” I began as I started rubbing my temples, "when you and your sister starting into… Whatever the hell that thing you call your sister is-“
“Ooooouuuurrrrr sssssspiiiiiirrrrrriiiiiit,” Mrs. Larson corrected.
“Whatever!” I shot. “You found out that eating female hearts turns you two back into human women and to keep police from suspecting you, you pretended to be dead and… What? Just hope a shitty real estate agency would buy your property and you could just… Kill people, people with lives and families outside the mountains?”
“Thaaaaaaaat iiiiiiisssss cooooorrrrrreeeeect…” Mrs. Larson admitted, narrowing her eyes at me.
That’s when I began laughing hysterically, holding my sides that hurt with each harsh breath of a laugh I took. Both Mrs. Larson and Kate looked to me as if I had lost my mind and at this point I was starting to believe I had. Everything I had seen and heard about this entire case would put anyone in the looney bin. And I’m the damn fool who dug too deep into something he had nothing to do with.
“Whaaaaaat’s ssssoooo ffffuuunnnny?” Growled Mrs. Larson, stepping around Kate to stand between us.
“I don’t know what’s fucking funnier, honestly,” I chuckled, running a hand through my hair, “the fact that you thing people won’t be poking around even more when they discover not only is Blackwell missing, but so is a detective and escaped convict all of whom now have ties to these fucking mountains and those cabins, or that you thing I’m more afraid of what you plan on doing with me more than I am when her father finds out I got her in this situation in the first place!”
“Heeeeeee wooooonnnnn’t beeeee aaaaabllllle toooooo doooo aaaaaannnnnyyyyythiiiiiinnnng aaaaaaafffffterrrrrrr IIIIIIIII’mmmmm dooooooonnnne wiiiiiiiith booooooth ooooooooffffff youuuuuuuuu,” Mrs. Larson hissed as she inched closer, “fffffffiiiiiiirrrrrrssssst, IIIIIIIII waaaaaannnnnt youuuuuuuu toooo waaaaaatch mmmmmeeeee kiiiiiiillllll herrrrrrr,” she turned her head to look to Kate who was now just shaking, her eyes seemingly gone dry from the crying, Mrs. Larson then looked back to me, “sssssseeeeecooooonnnnd, IIIIIIII wiiiiillllll ssssssaaaaave youuuuu fffffooooorrrr mmmmmmyyyyy sssssiiiiiisssssterrrrr, oooooonnnnne heeeeaaaaart wiiiiilllll nnnnoooot ssssssaaaaaatissssfffffyyyy herrrr huuuuuunnnnnger.” She took another step. “Uuuuuuuunnnnnllllliiiiiike sssssssoooooommmme ssssssiiiiiibllllliiiiiiinnnnnngsssss, IIIIIIIII caaaaaarrrre aaaaaaboooouuuuut mmmmmmyyyyy ffffffaaaammmmiiiiilllllyyyyyy.”
She stared into my eyes, expecting a reaction and while my blood did somewhat boil at the accusatory statement, I didn’t fully understand what she was getting at. Not until she used that voice. Not until she relived that day with those two familiar child-like voices.
“Screw you, Liam!” She cried out in a voice I remember from my childhood. “I hope you drop dead!”
“Stop.” I demanded.
“Piss off, Ryan!” She shot back in a second boy’s voice.
“I said stop!” I began shouting.
“Help me, Ryan! Please, help me! I’m sorry! Please, Lucky Dime, help me!”
I then lunged toward her, reaching my hands out toward her neck only to be stopped by the shackles as she swiftly, almost without even moving, stepped just out of my reach.
“Fucking bitch!” I screamed out.
“If only you really cared about me, Lucky Dime,” sighed Mrs. Larson as she turned and began making her way to the side of the room where a cart stood in the shadows. She pulled it over to Kate’s side, the cart covered in rusted medical tools.
“P-Please,” Kate wheezed, “p-p-please… I… I d-d-don’t w-want… Want t-to d-d… D-Die, I… I w-w-want m-m-m… My m-mom!”
“Dooooonnn’t woooorrrrryyyyy,” Mrs. Larson soothed, using that mix of different voices, “mmmmmmaaaayyyyybeeee sheeee wiiiillll cooooommmme loooookinnnng ffffooooorrrr yooouuuuu aaaaannnnnd sheeeeeee caaaaannnnn joooooiiiiiinnnn youuuuuuu.”
Kate began to sob, begging and pleading for Mrs. Larson to let her go, thrashing around in her restraints. Telling the older woman that there was no saving her sister and that she was too far gone for this sick ritual to work anymore. I tried to yank at the chains once more, trying to loosen it at least enough to break free and grab at Mrs. Larson.
“Rrrrrrreeeeellllllaaaaax,” Mrs. Larson ordered as she began filling a syringe with some kind of clear liquid from a small bottle, “yoooouuuuuu woooooonnnn’t eeeeeveeennn fffffeeeellll iiiiiiit, thiiiissssss wiiiiiillllll puuuuuut youuuuu toooo ssssssllllllleeeeeep aaaaaannnnnnd wheeeeeennnnnn youuuuuu waaaaaake uuuuuuuup, youuuuuuu’lllllll beeee iiiiiinnnnnn heeeeeaaaaaaveeeennnnn… Uuuuuunnnnnnnllllllessssss youuuuuuu weeeerrrrrrre aaaaaa haaaaaarrrrrlllllooooooot, iiiiiiinnnnnn whiiiiiiiich caaaaaassssssseeeee, mmmmmaaaayyyy Goooooood haaaaaaaave mmmmmmmmerrrrrrrcccccyyyyy ooooonnnnn youuuuuur ssssssoooouuuuullllll… Aaaaannnnnd baaaaaaasssssed ooooonnnn hoooooow youuuuuu drrrrressss aaaaannnnnd theeeee coooommmmpaaaannnnyyyy youuuuuu keeeeeep,” She added as she eyed me, “IIIIIII ssssssaaaaaayyyy youuuuu haaaaaave aaaaa lllllloooooot ooooooffff fooooooorrrrgiiiiiviiiiinnnnng tooooo dooooo.”
Kate continued to cry as Mrs. Larson pushed the needle of the syringe into her arm, pushing down on the plunger as it pierced the flesh. Kate’s loud screams soon turned quieter and her red eyes began to glaze over, but she continued to stay awake, tightening her grip on the table and still begging to be let go.
“IIIIII waaaaannnnt youuuuu toooo waaaaatch, Detective,” Mrs. Larson spat out my title in Mr. Blackwell’s voice, “IIIII waaaaannnnnt youuuuu toooo waaaaatch herrrrrr fffffaaaaaade aaaaaannnnnnd mmmmmeeeee rrrrreeeemmmmooooove heerr heeeaaaarrrrrt toooooo ffffffeeeeeed tooooo mmmmmmyyyyyy ssssssiiiiiiiissssssterrrrrr,” she then pulled out a recorder, “theeeeennnnnn wheeeeeennnnn IIIIIII ssssssuuuuummmmoooooonnnnn herrrrrrr aaannnnd sheeeee fffffiiiinnnniiiishessssss oooooofffffff heeeerrrrr heeeaaaaarrrrrt, youuuuuuu’llllllll beeeeee neeeeeext.”
“Fuck you,” I snarled, “I hope you and your sister burn.”
“IIIIIIIII’mmmmm gooooonnnnnaaaaa gooooo aaaaallllllerrrrrrt mmmmmyyyyy ssssssiiiiiiissssterrrrrr,” Mrs. Larson turned and began making her way to the basement steps, “ssssseeee youuuuu boooooth ffffffoooooorrrr diiiiiinnnnnnerrrrrrr.”
She then pressed the play button on her recorder and a small, little girl’s voice echoed in the room before Mrs. Larson vanished up the steps.
“I’m here… I’m here… I’m here…”
Then the door slammed shut.
“De… Tec… Tive…” Kate squeaked out, her breathing slowing.
“Stay awake, Blackwell,” I ordered her gently, looking around frantically for anything to get us both out of this alive, “I’ll get us out of this, I promise, just stay awake, we’ll get out of here, I just need-“
“I’m… S… Sorry…” she breathed out. “I’m… So… Sorry… For… Get… Getting… You… In… To.. This…”
“No, no, this is not your fault!” I assured her. “That psychotic bitch got us both into this shit and I won’t stop until I get us out and put her and her fucking sister are six feet under!”
“W…Wha… What… H… Hap… Happened… To… To L… Liam…?”
I stopped struggling with the chains and turned to look to Kate. Her head was turned to me, her face wet, hands clenching as hard as they could to the table beneath her, the light in her eyes slowly fading second by second. She was trying desperately to stay awake. The medication Mrs. Larson taking hold of her as the minutes ticked by.
I dropped the chains that were in my hands, looking away from her, wanting to stare at anything other than another person I had failed.
“He was killed,” I answered, “we were fishing at a lake nearby… Lake Gaagige… We got into a really stupid ass fucking fight about how which fishing pole we were going to use. I wanted to use our dad’s, but Liam was older and said only men could use dad’s fishing pole… I told him… To drop dead and stormed off… When I got home, my parents dragged me back to the lake and scolded me for leaving him…” I trailed off, swallowing all the tears and screams I’d bottled up since that day. “When… We found… Him… The autopsy… Said he was mauled by a bear… I’ve blamed myself for leaving him there alone… For letting him die and getting killed like that… The last thing I ever told him was to drop dead… I was a shitty brother and now I’m a shitty detective…”
“Is… Is he… Why… You became… A… Detective…?”
I took a deep breath and swallowed the tears again. “No, Blackwell,” I answered, “he’s not why I became a detective… I already knew what had killed him… It was my fault… If I hadn’t been such a brat and stormed off… He might still be alive… And now… What that bitch said…” I replayed Liam’s screams that escaped Mrs. Larson’s mouth. “I’m starting to think I’m getting what I deserve. Karma’s back to kick my ass…”
“H… How… Old…?”
“I was six… Liam was eight…”
“N… N… Not your… F… Fault…”
I turned to look to Kate, her eyes on mine, however faded.
“Y… You were… Only… A k… Kid…”
I took another intake of what little air there was down in that basement. I had spent years trying to convince myself of the same thing, but those moments never got easier for me when those thoughts returned.
“I think you’re just being nice,” I laughed painfully, “but I’m afraid I- and my folks- don’t share the same sentiment.”
I was staring down at where the chains were coming from in the ground, Kate not saying a word for over a couple of minutes. I spun to see if she had fallen asleep and immediately tried to find out how to wake her up again. However, once I our eyes met, I saw that she was still fighting sleep, the last of her tears rolling down across the bridge of her nose and into her hair.
“I… I… I had… Had a c… Crush… O… On… J… Jasper…” she confessed, her voice getting quieter and higher. “P… Paul and… And Son… Sonja knew… I never… Never c… Cared f… For Luke… But I’m… Sure… S… Sonja t… Told him…” she looked like she was going to sob again. “I… I never g… Got the… Ch… Chance… T… To tell J… Jasper… I… Was… Scared… He… He and… P… Paul were friends… And I… I kn… Knew… How P… Paul f… Felt… A… About m… Me… I… I did… Didn’t wa… Want to… R… Ruin… Anyth… Anything…” She took a gulp of air. “I… I ha… Hated L… Luke… I… A… Always… Kn… Knew… He… He was a… Player… B… But Sonja… Said… Said she was hap… Happy… So… So I did… Didn’t wa… Want to g… Get in… H… Her way… B… But Luke d… Didn’t l… Like h… How cl… Close… We… Were… I d… Didn’t w… Want him to make… Make her th… Think I… I was l… Leading her o… On… T… To get them… To b… Break up… Th… Then… That n… Night… Sh… She w… Wanted to… To leave…” She let out two pained gasps of breath. “I… I let them down… I let them all down… Luke pro… Probably thought… Thought I w… Was the one who… Who f… Filled Sonja’s mind… With thoughts of… Of him ch… Cheating… Th… Then I… I got them… All killed…
I… I didn’t deserve them, d… Detective…” she went on, looking away from me to stare up at the water damaged ceiling, “I… I… I was a… Terrible… Terrible friend…”
“Did you read their guest book entries?” I asked.
“N… No… D… Didn’t w… Want to… To r… Read any… Anything p… Private…” Kate answered.
“Jasper didn’t blame you,” I assured her, remembering what he had written in his entry during his time watching Mrs. Larson just outside the cabin, “even when he heard the voices- when he heard Mrs. Larson- telling him to, he didn’t. I don’t think the others blamed you either. You didn’t do anything wrong, Ms. Blackwell, there’s no way you could have known any of this would happen.”
“K… Kate…”
“What?”
“C… Call… Call me… Kate…”
“Aright, Kate,” I let out what little laughter I had left inside me, “so long as we’re the last people we’ll be chatting with, call me Ryan.”
“R… Ryan…”
“If we at all live through this, I’m going to need a long vacation after this,” I said as I turned to look at my shackles again, looking around myself to try finding anything to Get free since a vacation sounded like something to die for at that moment, “do you know any good vacation spots I can book for the fall?”
“Y… You’re… You’re a… Dick…” Kate struggled to laugh.
“I also enjoy pineapple on pizza,” I winked as I reached down to my ankle, ready to break it just to taste that sweet combination of tomato sauce and fruit.
“G… God… I… I c… Can’t… Believe… I th… Thought y… You w… Were c… Cute…”
I sat down on the floor, grabbing my ankle with both my hands. Needing to hype myself up enough to do what I was going to do, I began removing my shoe and sock from the foot, rubbing and squeezing my way up and down the ankle to my toes. I had never broken a bone in my life before this and I definitely never thought I’d do it of my own volition, but this was a desperate time and it definitely called for desperate…
“Wait what?” I turned to look to Kate, finally registering what she had said.
However, just before I could be sure of what I heard, the sound of a hunting rifle going off just above our heads right before we heard the door to the basement swing open and immediately be slammed shut. Both Kate and I turned to see someone stumble down the wooden steps, his clothes torn and body scratched and cut to a nearly deadly degree. I was even shocked he was still breathing.
“M… Mr… R… Raines…?” Kate gasped out.
“What’s left of me at least,” Mr. Raines grumbled as he limped over to Kate and quickly began undoing her straps to the table, “damn thing almost ripped my head off, but one swing of the barrel to its eye and I was able to get away… Can’t say it didn’t do its damage though… I’m… Getting really fucking hungry…”
He shook his head violently before limping over to me. He then raised an eyebrow at me when he saw how I was positioned still on the floor with a bare foot in my hands shackled to the floor.
“I… I was… I… I thought you were-“ I stammered.
“I am,” Mr. Raines interrupted, “at least, I’m on my way there anyway.” He then retrieved my Glock from his back pocket. “I don’t know what that thing did to me, but I’m not gonna make it out of this alive, or the way I came in. It’s a massacre out there by the way. Lot of men in blue bodies out there… Very… Hard to ignore… Sure more will be on their way. So.”
With that, Mr. Raines pointed at my chains and pulled the trigger on my clock, barely giving me time to cover my ears as the sound rung out loudly in the basement. I shook my head, trying to undo the blurry and ringing side effects of the sound of a gun going off near your head. I gave the older man a glare before standing and snatching my Glock from his hands. That’s when I saw Kate shifting herself to the side of the metal table she was no longer tied to, trying to get her limbs to comply with her to help her off and on to the floor.
I ran over and grabbed her just as she nearly stumbled face first to the floor and lifted her up to her feet, her body heavy with lack of keeping herself up.
“Do you think you can walk?” I asked, trying to keep her on her feet.
“I… I don’t… I…” Kate stammered as she tried to push herself off of me while also using using me as a crutch until she could stand on her own. However, she didn’t seem to be able to put any kind of pressure on her legs without falling down.
“Kate?” A girl’s voice called out from above us.
Feeling Kate shudder, I realized that it must have been the sound of Sonja’s voice and Mrs. Larson was using her to keep Kate from running. I quickly swung my arm down behind her knees, pressing the other down on her back as I lifted her up off the floor, my Glock at the ready as I kept it pointed in front of me while my arm held up Kate’s knees.
“She must have heard the gunshots,” I pointed out, “how’d you get past her in the first place?”
“I set the other cabins on fire,” Mr. Raines answered as if it were the simplest of answers, “I had to distract her somehow and give those bodies she’d been eating a better fate than becoming her shit.”
“Are you planning on setting this place on fire too?” I asked.
“‘Course I am!” Mr. Raines exclaimed, seemingly offended I’d even ask. “I already doused it in gasoline, I ain’t wasting all that time!”
“Kate!” Sonja’s voice cried out, getting closer to the basement door. “Are you seriously leaving me here to die alone again!”
“Please… Make it… Stop…” Kate sniffed as she gripped my shirt and burying her face into the fabric.
“Let’s get you two out of here.” Mr. Raines began leading the way to the basement stairs, cocking his rifle as he did so.
“What about you?” I asked, immediately following after him.
Mr. Raines didn’t answer as he stomped up the stairs and kicked the door open to the first floor of the cabin. The stench of the gasoline he had spilled hitting me harshly in my face.
“Kate!” Sonja’s voice, along with a different crescendo of male voices shrieked out as Mrs. Larson appeared from the corner of the hallway where the basement was located.
“Leighton?” A different woman’s voice asked the moment the old woman’s eyes spotted Mr. Raines. I then watched in both shock and confusion as it almost looked like the very skin on the woman melted off to reveal a much younger woman. The woman I recognized as Bonnie Collins. “Leighton… Love is that you?”
Mr. Raines kept his rifle on the vision of the woman he once loved before her murder, but didn’t move or speak.
“Darling, I’ve missed you so much!” The fake Bonnie cried out as she began making her way to Mr. Raines with arms open wide to hug him.
Mr. Raines then lifted his gun up higher, placing his finger on the trigger which caused the vision to stop in her place.
“Leighton?” The fake Bonnie asked. “Baby, it’s me… Bun-Bun… Don’t you recognize me…?” She began to tear up.
“You’re not my Bunny,” Mr. Raines growled before he shot once at the woman.
The fake Bonnie swiftly dodged the bullet, an inhuman hiss coming from an unhinged mouth, revealing a row of long, sharp teeth. The skin of Bonnie then melted off to reveal another woman, a lot younger than the first one it intimidated. The face of one of the victims upon being brought on this case.
“Kate,” the fake Sonja called out, “Kate, what are you doing? Who are these men? Why are they trying to hurt me?”
Kate let out a sobbing gasp, her nails digging into my shoulder with her arm wrapped around my neck.
“Didn’t I suffer enough?” The fake Sonja asked. “First my boyfriend and now you? Why don’t you want to be with me anymore?”
“Shut up!” Kate demanded. “You’re not Sonja! You killed her, you killed all of them! I don’t care what happens to me, but I’m not letting their memories end with you!”
Kate then snatched my Glock from my hand under her legs and shot directly at the fake Sonja’s head. Again the shot missed as the fake vision of the girl slithered out of the way, a frustrated growl of a dog and human escaping it’s mouth. It then zipped to the side, cowering with its back to us on the floor.
“Lucky dime…” A child’s voice then took over. The vision’s skin melting now to a much smaller figure. “Is this what you want? To kill me all over again?” He turned to look up at me, Liam’s face forever eight-years-old staring up at me. “It’s no wonder mommy and daddy hate you now… You were always a shitty brother… Now, I’m gonna starve to death because you’d rather help a couple of strangers.”
“I’m sorry, Liam,” I replied, everyone, including the fake Liam looking to me in surprise, “I left you alone out here and that’s what got you killed by that thing out there and I’m sorry. But, if I’d stayed it may have been both of us and then mom and dad would have no one left to blame but each other. If you had left and I was the one killed, you’d probably be in my shoes instead. I’m sorry for letting you get killed, but I’m gonna make up for it now.”
I then took my Glock back from Kate and pointed it to the vision of Liam.
“Good bye, Liam.”
I shot the gun once again, missing the creature again, however, this time I just kept shooting, Mr. Raines following after. Our different bullets just kept firing, the thing dodging and trying to get closer to us. The creature screeched out at us in a myriad of different voices both familiar and unknown. It wasn’t until one shot from my Glock struck the creatures shoulder and Mr. Raines’ rifle struck its head when the skins of everyone it was trying to turn into all melted off, revealing Mrs. Larson once again.
However, this time, she looked shriveled, older than she looked before. Her face looked deformed, beginning to grow furry, her eyes growing nothing but red, no irises, no pupils, just red. Her hair grew longer, branches like antlers growing painfully out from her skull, breaking the skin as they grew larger. The lower half of her face grew elongated, turning into that of a muzzle of fangs and a drooling mouth.
“You… All… Have no rrrrrrriiiiiight!” A different, unknown voice snarled out from what used to be Mrs. Larson. “People liiiiiike you all… Abandoned me and myyyyyyyyy sister!” The fur growing around this thing grew out short and shaggy, the cloths it was using melting off with the skin and flesh it was wearing. It now didn’t look anything like a human woman. It now took the form of a large wolf mixed with that of a deer, it’s body dog-like with hooves, antlers, and a long, scraggly tail. “You lot abandoned us here! You left us all here to diiiiiiiie!”
Guilt was weighing down on me with each syllable it was growling. Kate looked away from it, burying her face in my neck as Mr. Raines lowered his rifle.
“Nooooow, you’re bringing more here to just leave and let die out here!” It went on, it’s horrifying, broken body shuddering. “Why let them just vanish and die up here when they can bring people like my sister and I back? Give me Kate’s heart and fix what you threeeeeeeeee failed!”
Mr. Raines then handed over his rifle to Kate, placing it down on her stomach as her hands were still wrapped around my neck. The older man made his way over to stand over the thing, its neck creaking like a rusted door as it turned its wolf-like head to look up at him.
“Leighton…” Bonnie’s voice came from the creature. “Give mmmmeeeee her heart aaaannnnd we can be togetherrrrr again… If you eat the deeeeeetective’s we can saaaaaave you tooooooo…”
“My Bunny’s dead,” Mr. Raines told it as he dug in his pocket and took out a carton of matches, “and so am I.”
“You’d burn your wife?” A mix of Bonnie and Mrs. Larson’s voices shrieked as it glared at the match he took from the match box.
“You’re not my wife,” Mr. Raines told it, “and I’ll never see her again.”
“Fooooooool,” Mr. Larson’s voice chuckled, “you’llllllll killllllll us both!”
“With the shit I’ve done in my life, I know you’re taking me to Hell with you,” Mr. Raines growled back as he struck the match on the box, “so I’m sure as fuck not afraid to burn here on Earth with you!”
Mr. Raines then dropped the match to the floor right before the creature and everything around the two of them immediately went up in flames, the fur of the creature catching quickly and engulfing it. An agonized shriek echoed out all around us, the creature thrashing in the fire it had gotten swallowed up in. Mr. Raines then grabbed it by it’s long, furry throat and swung it down back flat the floor, jumping to pin it down.
“Get out!” Mr. Raines cried out to me. “Leave here!”
Not needing to be told twice, I held onto Kate tightly and bolted past the two burning bodies, jumping over the fire as it began growing fast throughout the cabin. I quickly got to the front door and stopped to look back to see Mr. Raines fighting the creature and preventing it from coming after us, it begging for me to bring Kate back and that it would die without her.
“I’ll clear your name,” I called back, trying not to reel back in horror as I saw Mr. Raines skin begin to melt off, “I’ll let people know you didn’t kill Bonnie!”
“I’ll let people know you didn’t… Kill… Liam!” Mr. Raines’ voice called back, him thrashing around with Mrs. Larson as he said my brother’s name in my voice.
I turned back and kicked the front door open, rushing Kate out of the burning cabin. I ran until I got far enough from the smoke, turning back to see all three cabins now on fire, the area around them all ablaze. The only place untouched was Mrs. Larson’s house, all the evidence remaining. I could hear sirens in the distance coming closer. The sounds of shouts from the surviving officers sounding much closer.
“I’m here… I’m here… I’m here…”
I looked to the front porch of Mrs. Larson’s house where her recorder continued to call out for her sister. I set Kate down at the base of a nearby tree and ran to snatch the recorder, shutting it off. I searched around, looking for any signs of Prudence, but it appeared that the fire and the sounds of sirens and voices had scared her off. I ran back to Kate, her eyes closed and her not responding to me calling to her, but after checking her pulse and breathing, I found that the medication Mrs. Larson had given her had finally taken over and she was now fast asleep, the rifle Mr. Raines gave her still sitting on her rhythmically rising and falling stomach.
Letting out a sigh of relief, I leaned against the same tree I set Kate down on and slid down to the ground next to her. The first two cabins were already practically nothing but ash, the last still blazing as I heard the slowly fading screams of Mrs. Larson and Mr. Raines coming from inside.
When the screaming ended all together, the smoke turning blacker as it rose from the flames, I got to my feet and took out my pack of cigarettes as I approached the fires, staying far enough away not to get burned. I opened the pack up before stopping myself as I reached for one of the ten remaining cigarettes inside. I then flung the entire carton into the fires without taking one.
“Save one for me down there, you old bastard,” I told Mr. Raines before making my way back to Kate’s side.
It wasn’t long before the remaining officers found us, looking in confusion at the fires and to me with a sleeping victim in a homicide case on the ground. I told them we’d need to call an ambulance for Kate and that we needed to keep the flames from getting to Mrs. Larson’s house as it held evidence on the case. One officer retrieved his radio and called for an ambulance while a group ran to the house and another went to try controlling the fire as best they could by yanking out any bushes near by and throwing them away from the area around the house.
Luckily, the fire trucks were called long before the fire spread too far, residence noticing it practically the moment Mr. Raines set the first cabin on fire.
As I sat there, keeping Kate held up against the tree we sat under, I listened to the crackling of the fire, the sirens of fast approaching fire trucks and the ambulance, and the sounds of distance, coyote, almost human, howling.

Now before any of you comment about how I’m transphobic or smt (I’m not so don’t) I’m just saying getting your dick chopped off and surgically changing your gender to feel comfortable in your own skin are two very different things and I swear if I see another trans denji post I’m gonna make a fake account and troll so stick to confirmed lgbtq+ characters (or power and kobeni and ships that aren’t cursed) or just don’t spam 5 posts in a single day because that’s just gonna make people hate you or trans people and mods please do your fuckin jobs and remove spam posts also happy pride month

This is my first post, as someone who's been exposed to lethal levels of kri content for years, here's my understanding of them. Detailed analysis, forgive me.
Akri - tries very hard to look nonchalant but is in fact very... Chalant. 😄 Cares a lot about how she comes across, makes it a point to put out an image of someone who's mindful and soulful. Might have realised too late that being pretty isn't going to cut it in today's media field with highly talented people, so tries to make it look like being a foodie and travelling are actual skills. Also being aesTHetic and organised. Lives for the "good girl " tag, from everyone . Puts in lots of effort and time into this. Kudos. As far from nonchalant as it can get. Will not ask for likes and shares in her vlogs like every other cheap vlogger (she does vlogging for fun and is in fact a film actor who deserves more film projects, as she'll tell you in every interview) , but will in fact give you a very meaningful advice, something that encourages you to be mindful about life. The nonchalance has gone way too far that it looks fake af when she tries to act excited about food, singing, dancing, etc. Takes grandparents for outings and vlogs about it, because how the fans drool over paasam for oldies. Preachy.
Dikri- deeply wounded middle child who didn't get a lot of validation growing up, probably the attention was hoarded by older sibling who proudly admits to disliking the younger one from day one. Might have tried to earn her family's love as a child, which should've been given unconditionally, but never measured up to the stds set by the older one, whose need for approval and admiration made for a sense of rivalry than feelings of siblinghood. Decided it wasn't worth it to try anymore, and turned into a rebel. Seeking validation from outside, falling for love bombing and a guy who'll praise her constantly, treat her like the main character and shower superficial compliments on skin color and beauty. Probably has low self esteem, having been contrasted against siblings who are more traditionally pretty. Will keep telling everyone she's pretty not realising how silly it sounds, because insecurities are loud. Posts for her mother's bday in the most impersonal way 'hbd mathaji' etc, acts rude with family in vlogs, bitter about the partiality and lack of attention given her as a child. Puts on hyper independence as an armour.
Ishkri- mentally checked out from the drama. Looks resigned and indifferent as a result. Seems like a nice person. Probably got a lot of validation from everyone growing up because how pretty can someone be! All the positive attention, halo effect probably helped her grow into that person who's actually low key, secure and content with herself.
Hakri- the pampered one, felt the effect of sibling rivalry the least among them owing to her young age, the older ones seem to want to be Hakris favorite, Akri especially going so far as to say it'd have been nice if it was just herself and the youngest as siblings, the bond would've been better. Seems to be closest to Ishkri, also very out of touch with reality thanks to being very privileged and cute. Comes across shallow but actually cares about being nice to others imho. Should've joined a college in another state away from..
Sikri: that parent who's extremely partial towards whichever child caters to her own needs the most. Openly tells the world who her favorites are, how she prefers travelling with one daughter for the expensive resorts they stay at etc. Probably feels like she could've married better and not for love, since she cannot stop telling everyone about her schooling in Ooty, childhood abroad and overall past glory. Realises her need for luxury through her kids, rewarding the one who affords the most luxury lifestyle for her. Immature. Never encouraged kids to pick up a book and read. Thereby limiting their sense of self to looks/money. Talking in English imo to rub in the fact, ooty educated formerly rich woman fallen to a life of normalcy. Favors the kids who are prettier and more successful. Lives in reflected glory.
Kriku: disdainful towards the wannabe attitude of his partner. Indifferent to the child who seems to pamper mamma just for cookie points and all the antics for attention and approval. Seems to sense the unfairness of parents picking favorites among their children, therefore chooses to hold Dikri close and tries to tell her she's valued. Except for the bjp thing, seems grounded and normal. Might not be very intelligent. But means well.
Tl;dr. Bad parenting resulting in rivalry among siblings. In a culture where toxic parenting is a taboo topic, a family of influencers who show us what not to do.
I wrote this because I know they love reddit as much as any of us. Also to say, people see through it all. All that said. Big fan. Grateful for the entertainment.
To Akri - it's OK to be human and flawed. Reading will enrich the mind and actually add substance. To Dikri - you've won at life, nothing as pretty as being humble.
Op suffers from acute joblessness, as you might have noticed. Not successful or pretty enough, sigh.😔

I'm just so tired all the time, it literally feels like I can sleep all day. I have a normal sleep schedule, but everyday I just feel so exhausted. I have dark circles under my eyes and I have no energy to do anything anymore. I just lay in bed all day and want to rot. I feel suicidal, I just want to die all the time and it's getting worse. I get nightmares of him, not of what exactly happened but just of different sa from him. I feel like there's no point in going on anymore, I don't think it's going to get better. I don't exactly know what it's like to have a flashback, but I think I've experienced them. I have really bad maladaptive daydreaming, but I don't think it's that. It's like I'm there again, I can't control it or stop it or rewind it. It's like it's happening all over again and that I'm there and I can feel it. When it's happening I just sit there and cry and I feel like screaming but I obviously can't do that so I have to hold it in. My head feels like it's burning constantly too, like the back of my head feels so fucking warm and hot. Like my brain is melting. And I just want to die and I'm so tired I just want to sleep and never wake up again.
•The one big thing that makes me feel valid is that, when I was 11, my stepdad fingered me in my bedroom. I won't go in to too much detail or anything, it's unimportant. But the entire time he just stared at me and everything was silent, like he was waiting for my reaction. Our relationship has always been odd, so I wanted it. But eventually I got scared and told him something, I don't remember what it was but it got him to stop immediately and he apologised too. I don't remember much after, as in I don't know if he left my room or I left first, but I immediately went to the bathroom. Which was when I discovered I was bleeding.
•Around this time, for some strange reason I would repeatedly say to him "fuck me daddy." This would either be in person, or over messages. I remember once, when I was in school, I messaged him that. He told me to stop in case one of my friends saw. I don't know why he didn't tell me to stop for other reasons.
•One day, after telling him that in person, we were in my parents bedroom. I was sat on his bed and he was in front of me in his weird chair. He then started going in to detail about how I wanted him to fuck me, I can't remember exactly what he said, it was like I zoned out. Everytime I try to recall it now it literally feels like bugs start to crawl up me, I don't understand why. I remember the last part, and his really disgusting hushed and gentle voice. He asked if I wanted him to "cum inside of me", or he was just explaining how that would finish. I'm not really sure.
•Still around this same time period of me being 11-12, I would ask him to 'squish me.' The reason why we would call it that is because I would be on my back, my legs would be up all the way to where my head is and he would be on top of me in a way that would 'squish me'. Basically like that one sex position. I would usually be wearing my school uniform when that would happen, so a skirt. During the 'squishing', he would push down on me, so our crotches would basically be against eachother. I don't know why, but I would continuously ask him to 'squish me' and during it I would even say the whole "fuck me daddy" thing. Only recently have I realised that he was probably just pretending to fuck me.
•Other things had happened around that age too, like how we would talk about how many times we masturbated a day and compare it to eachother. Sometimes if I was abruptly going to my room, he would ask if I was going to go masturbate, since we were 'close like that' I would tell him. He would often recommend me NSFW Instagram model accounts. I was once tricked in to sending feet pics to this guy, which really isn't that serious and whenever I brought it up with friends they find it fucking hilarious. But the detail I always leave out is that, I did bring that up with my stepdad and he proceeded to tell me that he already knew. Which means he was spying on me through the crack of the door. If that already didn't bother me, I don't understand why he just allowed me to send those pictures, if he was watching why the hell didn't he stop me?
•I'm pretty sure this also happened around the age of 11 as well, recently, a memory resurfaced but I barely remember it. Basically, I was sucking on his neck. I don't remember who said it, but either him or my mum spoke up and laughed, saying that I needed to stop otherwise I would "give him a hickey." The reason why I wouldn't be surprised if my mum was in the room at the time is because she doesn't care about what he does. She knows everything and just doesn't fucking care.
•I'm very sure that, around that age, my parents begun to expose me to their loud sex. I wouldn't be surprised if it started even younger, however. Obviously, I tried to bring it up with them at the ripe old age of 11 and my mum immediately shot me down with a "it's natural." This only stopped recently, around this year, because I had a big panic attack over hearing them and my mum finally felt guilty. I started getting panic attacks over it the minute it started, maybe the panic attacks were a sign of the trauma when I was younger, but I'm convinced it is now. I heard it so many times that I began to get paranoid every night, I would start to hear it even if they weren't upstairs (I sound crazy, I know.) I would get so anxious every night in case I would hear it, to the point I started to really resent them from it. I know fine well I could just go to sleep before them, but sometimes they even woke me up with it, on numerous occasions.
•I'm convinced my stepdad wanted me to hear it. Around the time of it finally stopping, I got mad because i was hearing it again (I'm unsure if it was due to me hearing shit or they actually were) but it caused me to take my bedding and go downstairs to sleep. In the morning, I was rudely awoken to my stepdad slamming the door open and storming past. He's not usually like that when people are sleeping, so it instantly gave me the impression that he was pissed off and the only reason I can think of is that he was angry I wasn't there to listen.
•He used to tease me for my paranoia to. As a way to discourage them from getting intimate, I would leave my door open at night. This happened around this year, but I was doing that again and I messaged my stepdad if they were actually going to sleep. It then somehow turned to him making a dig about how he knew I gets anxious at night and when I asked why he sent me "In case me and your mam have sex. 😜" Before, I tried to resolve this issue by begging them to just tell me if they were gonna have sex or not so I could sleep downstairs (because I was gonna find out the hard way anyways.) And they kept on refusing? Which just gave me the impression that they wanted me to listen more.
•Around 11 again, he would often tell me details about his and my mums sex life. Like how he was always good at pulling out and the only time he would wear a condom is right when he was about to finish. But the reason why my sister came to be was because he just failed to pull out that one time and my mum refused to get an abortion. Another time, he went on about how him and my mother had sex during her period and how they had to use towels and they didn't enjoy it because it was too messy.
•I don't know if he did things before the age of 11, my memories are very faded and it's like there are major gaps throughout everything. I'm worried that he did, however. When I was very young, I remember having no accidents at all during the night. But then, around the ages of 9, I would have an accident basically every night and would get a lot of water infections. I know that's a classic sign of child sexual abuse, but I don't want to jump to conclusions or anything.
•Another reason as to why I believe more things had happened to me than what I know of is because I always seemed to know what sex was when I was young, but I wouldn't know the name or anything specific about it like how to get pregnant or what cum was. Though, even though I didn't know what it was, it was like I always thought about it, I could never not think about sex, it was disgusting. This stayed until I was around 13. I remember where I even asked my 'boyfriend' at the time, we were both around 8, if he wanted to have sex, and I have no idea why.
•Over the years, he would flash me frequently. Everytime, I would always believe it was an accident because he'd never acknowledge it, besides from that one time which he always jokes about it and blames me. Everytime he would flash me, it would either be because of a convenient hole in the crotch of his pants or because he was wearing very lose fit shorts and it would just be hanging out. The more I think about it, I'm very sure he would have been able to feel such a thing, especially when it was poking out of the hole, but it was like he was just oblivious.
•For some strange reason, when I was younger, I would make comments about small dicks. I don't know if I was commenting on his dick specifically, but he would always say the same thing. "Width matters more than length."
•Recently, around 16-17, he made a joke about how he listens to me masturbating. Once he noticed how shocked I looked, he then went on saying about how my vibrator is too quiet to hear.
•Around 17 again, I went to use the shower. The shower I use is the one that's connected to my parents room. When I locked the door, he got madish and started making comments about it. I had to defend myself, saying how 'the door would open on it's own if I didn't lock it'. Eventually, he backed off.
•I don't understand the point in the fucking door and lock to my bedroom anymore. Whenever I decided to lock my door, my parents start shouting at me through the walls, asking why I locked my door. My stepdad barely knocks, it's like a tap and he doesn't even wait sometimes. I remember seeing a past message from an old friend saying how he tried to walk in when I was changing and that he knew I was changing. I didn't explain myself, I really wish I did because I don't remember this.
•(Around 17.) We were messaging eachother and it somehow turned in to him hinting if I saw this one animated video, it was a porn one. I said no, and to that he sent me a screenshot of it. It wasn't anything bad or anything, just the start of it and nothing was revealing, he then asked if I was sure. And how he was surprised that I hadn't.
•(Around 17.) I don't really get my period, we still don't know why. But as I was getting a lot of blood tests, my stepdad was trying to check things off the list of what it could be. One of those being that my opening is just extremely tight I guess, because he asked if I ever tried penetrating myself. I admitted that I did, but I couldn't get it to exactly go in. Which he then decided to make a comment saying how It's just my 'technique'. I wonder if the only reason he asked that was to see if I ever tried anything out of morbid curiosity.
•(Around 17 again.) He randomly bought me dildo's once, I didn't ask him for them, he just bought them for me and it was wildly uncomfortable. Once he gave me them, he asked if I wanted him to show me how to use them. I said no, which he then said something about how if I ever did then I could ask him. I worry what would have happened if I did say yes.
•When I was around 14, I went glamping. I ended up having to share a bed with him. One of the nights, I woke up to his hand just on top my crotch. I tried grabbing it and moving it away but it just fell back down on to it. I don't know if he put it back there on purpose. I still question if it was a dream, I'm very sure it wasn't because I remember going back to sleep, but it still just bugs me.
•Around 17, I was upset for some reason and he was comforting me. During this, he randomly grabbed the inside of my thigh. I usually just wear a shirt and boxers, so he basically just grabbed my naked thigh but I don't know if he was doing it in a comforting way.
•Usually when I draw, I have my knees up to my chest so it's easier to use my tablet. Considering what I wear for pyjamas, I can always see him looking at my crotch when he comes in to my room. If he really can see everything I don't understand why he doesn't just tell me to put my legs down.
•He's made a lot of uncomfortable jokes over the years too. One of the ones that upsets me sometimes is that, when he was measuring me for a binder, I was constantly moving around because it was uncomfortable since I was just in a sports bra. As he was leaving, I think I told him about how it was uncomfortable for me or something along those lines. He then turned around and shouted "oh come on, it's not like i was fingerings your pussy or anything."
•Very recently, I asked him if I looked okay before going to college. After a bit of back and fourth he said "I wouldn't kick you out of bed, maybe you could find someone in college who would do the same."
•Other times when I asked him if I looked okay, he'd go on tangents about how my ass is great or how he would date me or be too nervous to talk to me if he was my age.
•One of the more recent jokes was when I dropped a mayonnaise lid on my lap. Nothing got on me, but my stepdad turned to me then turned to my mum and shouted "if anyone starts accusing us, just tell them it was mayonnaise!" Or something like that.
•I remember after we watched the new mean girls film, he started going on saying about how he wanted to rewatch it for the Halloween seen (if you know you know) for the 'panty action'. Which rubs me the wrong way because I'm very sure the girls are supposed to be around my age.
•I'm very sure he also made this fake account, pretending to be one of my old groomers that I tried to cut off, just to message me about nsfw topics and ask for pics. It's a whole long yap about paranoia and just suspicions so I won't get into it though. If I tried to provide all the evidence I have, it'll take forever and there's no point.
There's definitely way more things that he's said, joked and done. But I'm only now beginning to realise that they're not okay. Even when I was younger, I was sort of uncomfortable around the jokes so I would just zone out, leading me to not remembering them now.
I probably will never accept that what happened to me was bad, or a big issue. Especially due to the 'lovely' people on here. Thank you for telling me immediately that I was a liar before you even knew what happened, that I shouldn't blame an 'innocent man', that you hope he comes in and rapes me to the point I split open and bleed. Thank you for telling me that my parents were just trying to promote a sex positive household, that some of the things were questionable at most. Thank you so much for saying I deserved it because I didn't send you pictures. You all made me feel like shit and I'm probably never going to tell people in person what happened to me, out of fear I would be ridiculed due to how much of a baby I'm being. I wasn't raped, so I have no place to cry or even think about it. I'm being overdramatic.
If you even read to this point, you're an angel.

So I got a kitten for my 17th birthday yesterday (her name is Mitsy and she's the cutest little thing ever!) and she's also my first ever pet so I'm really worried that I'm gonna screw something up and to hopefully avoid that I have a few questions! She's 6 months and 3 weeks btw
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1. How often should I change the litterbox? I've been doing it immediately after my kitten uses it but I'm pretty sure that's not necessary.
2. Is it okay for her to be licking her stitches from her desexing surgery thingy? I assumed it wouldn't be okay but the pet store I got her from didn't seem to care too much about it since she wasn't wearing a cone. Also, I'm not sure how old the stitches are but I have to take her to the vet in two weeks to get them removed if that matters
3. She keeps trying to eat her litter (its absorbing litter) and I keep trying to distract her and/or firmly telling her 'no' and getting her to drop it but I'm not sure how to get her to stop completely or even if this is normal behaviour. It's probably super dangerous though
4. Mitsy keeps randomly making a weird croaking sound and it's probably just a hairball but she also ate a dust ball a few hours ago before I was able to stop her and she ate something crunchy (probably litter) that I couldn't see a little bit after that, but like. I'm still a bit scared.
5. I'm keeping the litterbox and food and water in my bedroom along with Mitsy for now because my Nanna doesn't want her wandering around the house at night, but I'm planning to move it all to the bathroom when she gets accustomed to my house and we get a cat fence for my Nanna's bedroom (she dislikes cats, the absolute monster!), but I was thinking that keeping the litterbox in my room is a bad idea and I feel kind of guilty about having her locked in my room all night and her waking up before me and probably wanting to explore and play
6. Any tips on getting kittens to feel more comfortable around stairs? I want to let her know that downstairs is okay too (she seems to be okay upstairs now) and I've been trying to coax her down one step at a time using treats but its not really working. I also don't want to pick her up because I don't want to accidentally touch her stitches and hurt her.
7. Since Mitsy is already litter trained, its okay for me to give her treats whenever right? And on a similar note, is it normal for kittens to avoid treats when they're in a new home?
8. She hasn't done anything 'bad' yet, but when she does, what's a good way of teaching her not to do that? I don't want to yell at her or spray her with water or anything because that's mean and I want to be a nice cat mum and she doesn't know any better
9. Is getting a cat harness worth it? I'm never going to let her out into the backyard or outside because of how easy it is for her to run into a possibly not so friendly cat or escape the backyard which is literally bordering a road that has a lot of cars and she doesn't know the area so she can't find her way back home. I'm thinking that maybe I can take her on walks like a dog but my family said that's stupid so I'm not sure
10. I've been playing with her a lot with a feather toy (sorta, its actually a star on a string and it had a moon as well with bells but those came off) and she keeps jumping really high and twisting in midair which looks like it should be painful because of the stitches (can you tell I'm really worried about the stitches?) but maybe she's just really good at hiding pain?

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I think that's it, please please please answer even one of these if you can and any assorted kitten raising tips are greatly appreciated!

Trigger warning. Also I'm sorry, this is a really long post but I'll bullet point most stuff down.
I'm just so tired all the time, it literally feels like I can sleep all day. I have a normal sleep schedule, but everyday I just feel so exhausted. I have dark circles under my eyes and I have no energy to do anything anymore. I just lay in bed all day and want to rot. I feel suicidal, I just want to die all the time and it's getting worse. I get nightmares of him, not of what exactly happened but just of different sa from him. I feel like there's no point in going on anymore, I don't think it's going to get better. I don't exactly know what it's like to have a flashback, but I think I've experienced them. I have really bad maladaptive daydreaming, but I don't think it's that. It's like I'm there again, I can't control it or stop it or rewind it. It's like it's happening all over again and that I'm there and I can feel it. When it's happening I just sit there and cry and I feel like screaming but I obviously can't do that so I have to hold it in. My head feels like it's burning constantly too, like the back of my head feels so fucking warm and hot. Like my brain is melting. And I just want to die and I'm so tired I just want to sleep and never wake up again.
•The one big thing that makes me feel valid is that, when I was 11, my stepdad fingered me in my bedroom. I won't go in to too much detail or anything, it's unimportant. But the entire time he just stared at me and everything was silent, like he was waiting for my reaction. Our relationship has always been odd, so I wanted it. But eventually I got scared and told him something, I don't remember what it was but it got him to stop immediately and he apologised too. I don't remember much after, as in I don't know if he left my room or I left first, but I immediately went to the bathroom. Which was when I discovered I was bleeding.
•Around this time, for some strange reason I would repeatedly say to him "fuck me daddy." This would either be in person, or over messages. I remember once, when I was in school, I messaged him that. He told me to stop in case one of my friends saw. I don't know why he didn't tell me to stop for other reasons.
•One day, after telling him that in person, we were in my parents bedroom. I was sat on his bed and he was in front of me in his weird chair. He then started going in to detail about how I wanted him to fuck me, I can't remember exactly what he said, it was like I zoned out. Everytime I try to recall it now it literally feels like bugs start to crawl up me, I don't understand why. I remember the last part, and his really disgusting hushed and gentle voice. He asked if I wanted him to "cum inside of me", or he was just explaining how that would finish. I'm not really sure.
•Still around this same time period of me being 11-12, I would ask him to 'squish me.' The reason why we would call it that is because I would be on my back, my legs would be up all the way to where my head is and he would be on top of me in a way that would 'squish me'. Basically like that one sex position. I would usually be wearing my school uniform when that would happen, so a skirt. During the 'squishing', he would push down on me, so our crotches would basically be against eachother. I don't know why, but I would continuously ask him to 'squish me' and during it I would even say the whole "fuck me daddy" thing. Only recently have I realised that he was probably just pretending to fuck me.
•Other things had happened around that age too, like how we would talk about how many times we masturbated a day and compare it to eachother. Sometimes if I was abruptly going to my room, he would ask if I was going to go masturbate, since we were 'close like that' I would tell him. He would often recommend me NSFW Instagram model accounts. I was once tricked in to sending feet pics to this guy, which really isn't that serious and whenever I brought it up with friends they find it fucking hilarious. But the detail I always leave out is that, I did bring that up with my stepdad and he proceeded to tell me that he already knew. Which means he was spying on me through the crack of the door. If that already didn't bother me, I don't understand why he just allowed me to send those pictures, if he was watching why the hell didn't he stop me?
•I'm pretty sure this also happened around the age of 11 as well, recently, a memory resurfaced but I barely remember it. Basically, I was sucking on his neck. I don't remember who said it, but either him or my mum spoke up and laughed, saying that I needed to stop otherwise I would "give him a hickey." The reason why I wouldn't be surprised if my mum was in the room at the time is because she doesn't care about what he does. She knows everything and just doesn't fucking care.
•I'm very sure that, around that age, my parents begun to expose me to their loud sex. I wouldn't be surprised if it started even younger, however. Obviously, I tried to bring it up with them at the ripe old age of 11 and my mum immediately shot me down with a "it's natural." This only stopped recently, around this year, because I had a big panic attack over hearing them and my mum finally felt guilty. I started getting panic attacks over it the minute it started, maybe the panic attacks were a sign of the trauma when I was younger, but I'm convinced it is now. I heard it so many times that I began to get paranoid every night, I would start to hear it even if they weren't upstairs (I sound crazy, I know.) I would get so anxious every night in case I would hear it, to the point I started to really resent them from it. I know fine well I could just go to sleep before them, but sometimes they even woke me up with it, on numerous occasions.
•I'm convinced my stepdad wanted me to hear it. Around the time of it finally stopping, I got mad because i was hearing it again (I'm unsure if it was due to me hearing shit or they actually were) but it caused me to take my bedding and go downstairs to sleep. In the morning, I was rudely awoken to my stepdad slamming the door open and storming past. He's not usually like that when people are sleeping, so it instantly gave me the impression that he was pissed off and the only reason I can think of is that he was angry I wasn't there to listen.
•He used to tease me for my paranoia to. As a way to discourage them from getting intimate, I would leave my door open at night. This happened around this year, but I was doing that again and I messaged my stepdad if they were actually going to sleep. It then somehow turned to him making a dig about how he knew I gets anxious at night and when I asked why he sent me "In case me and your mam have sex. 😜" Before, I tried to resolve this issue by begging them to just tell me if they were gonna have sex or not so I could sleep downstairs (because I was gonna find out the hard way anyways.) And they kept on refusing? Which just gave me the impression that they wanted me to listen more.
•Around 11 again, he would often tell me details about his and my mums sex life. Like how he was always good at pulling out and the only time he would wear a condom is right when he was about to finish. But the reason why my sister came to be was because he just failed to pull out that one time and my mum refused to get an abortion. Another time, he went on about how him and my mother had sex during her period and how they had to use towels and they didn't enjoy it because it was too messy.
•I don't know if he did things before the age of 11, my memories are very faded and it's like there are major gaps throughout everything. I'm worried that he did, however. When I was very young, I remember having no accidents at all during the night. But then, around the ages of 9, I would have an accident basically every night and would get a lot of water infections. I know that's a classic sign of child sexual abuse, but I don't want to jump to conclusions or anything.
•Another reason as to why I believe more things had happened to me than what I know of is because I always seemed to know what sex was when I was young, but I wouldn't know the name or anything specific about it like how to get pregnant or what cum was. Though, even though I didn't know what it was, it was like I always thought about it, I could never not think about sex, it was disgusting. This stayed until I was around 13. I remember where I even asked my 'boyfriend' at the time, we were both around 8, if he wanted to have sex, and I have no idea why.
•Over the years, he would flash me frequently. Everytime, I would always believe it was an accident because he'd never acknowledge it, besides from that one time which he always jokes about it and blames me. Everytime he would flash me, it would either be because of a convenient hole in the crotch of his pants or because he was wearing very lose fit shorts and it would just be hanging out. The more I think about it, I'm very sure he would have been able to feel such a thing, especially when it was poking out of the hole, but it was like he was just oblivious.
•For some strange reason, when I was younger, I would make comments about small dicks. I don't know if I was commenting on his dick specifically, but he would always say the same thing. "Width matters more than length."
•Recently, around 16-17, he made a joke about how he listens to me masturbating. Once he noticed how shocked I looked, he then went on saying about how my vibrator is too quiet to hear.
•Around 17 again, I went to use the shower. The shower I use is the one that's connected to my parents room. When I locked the door, he got madish and started making comments about it. I had to defend myself, saying how 'the door would open on it's own if I didn't lock it'. Eventually, he backed off.
•I don't understand the point in the fucking door and lock to my bedroom anymore. Whenever I decided to lock my door, my parents start shouting at me through the walls, asking why I locked my door. My stepdad barely knocks, it's like a tap and he doesn't even wait sometimes. I remember seeing a past message from an old friend saying how he tried to walk in when I was changing and that he knew I was changing. I didn't explain myself, I really wish I did because I don't remember this.
•(Around 17.) We were messaging eachother and it somehow turned in to him hinting if I saw this one animated video, it was a porn one. I said no, and to that he sent me a screenshot of it. It wasn't anything bad or anything, just the start of it and nothing was revealing, he then asked if I was sure. And how he was surprised that I hadn't.
•(Around 17.) I don't really get my period, we still don't know why. But as I was getting a lot of blood tests, my stepdad was trying to check things off the list of what it could be. One of those being that my opening is just extremely tight I guess, because he asked if I ever tried penetrating myself. I admitted that I did, but I couldn't get it to exactly go in. Which he then decided to make a comment saying how It's just my 'technique'. I wonder if the only reason he asked that was to see if I ever tried anything out of morbid curiosity.
•(Around 17 again.) He randomly bought me dildo's once, I didn't ask him for them, he just bought them for me and it was wildly uncomfortable. Once he gave me them, he asked if I wanted him to show me how to use them. I said no, which he then said something about how if I ever did then I could ask him. I worry what would have happened if I did say yes.
•When I was around 14, I went glamping. I ended up having to share a bed with him. One of the nights, I woke up to his hand just on top my crotch. I tried grabbing it and moving it away but it just fell back down on to it. I don't know if he put it back there on purpose. I still question if it was a dream, I'm very sure it wasn't because I remember going back to sleep, but it still just bugs me.
•Around 17, I was upset for some reason and he was comforting me. During this, he randomly grabbed the inside of my thigh. I usually just wear a shirt and boxers, so he basically just grabbed my naked thigh but I don't know if he was doing it in a comforting way.
•Usually when I draw, I have my knees up to my chest so it's easier to use my tablet. Considering what I wear for pyjamas, I can always see him looking at my crotch when he comes in to my room. If he really can see everything I don't understand why he doesn't just tell me to put my legs down.
•He's made a lot of uncomfortable jokes over the years too. One of the ones that upsets me sometimes is that, when he was measuring me for a binder, I was constantly moving around because it was uncomfortable since I was just in a sports bra. As he was leaving, I think I told him about how it was uncomfortable for me or something along those lines. He then turned around and shouted "oh come on, it's not like i was fingerings your pussy or anything."
•Very recently, I asked him if I looked okay before going to college. After a bit of back and fourth he said "I wouldn't kick you out of bed, maybe you could find someone in college who would do the same."
•Other times when I asked him if I looked okay, he'd go on tangents about how my ass is great or how he would date me or be too nervous to talk to me if he was my age.
•One of the more recent jokes was when I dropped a mayonnaise lid on my lap. Nothing got on me, but my stepdad turned to me then turned to my mum and shouted "if anyone starts accusing us, just tell them it was mayonnaise!" Or something like that.
•I remember after we watched the new mean girls film, he started going on saying about how he wanted to rewatch it for the Halloween seen (if you know you know) for the 'panty action'. Which rubs me the wrong way because I'm very sure the girls are supposed to be around my age.
•I'm very sure he also made this fake account, pretending to be one of my old groomers that I tried to cut off, just to message me about nsfw topics and ask for pics. It's a whole long yap about paranoia and just suspicions so I won't get into it though. If I tried to provide all the evidence I have, it'll take forever and there's no point.
There's definitely way more things that he's said, joked and done. But I'm only now beginning to realise that they're not okay. Even when I was younger, I was sort of uncomfortable around the jokes so I would just zone out, leading me to not remembering them now.
I probably will never accept that what happened to me was bad, or a big issue. Especially due to the 'lovely' people on here. Thank you for telling me immediately that I was a liar before you even knew what happened, that I shouldn't blame an 'innocent man', that you hope he comes in and rapes me to the point I split open and bleed. Thank you for telling me that my parents were just trying to promote a sex positive household, that some of the things were questionable at most. Thank you so much for saying I deserved it because I didn't send you pictures. You all made me feel like shit and I'm probably never going to tell people in person what happened to me, out of fear I would be ridiculed due to how much of a baby I'm being. I wasn't raped, so I have no place to cry or even think about it. I'm being overdramatic.
If you even read to this point, you're an angel.

I've recently been diagnosed with CPTSD. It makes so much sense but at the same time how do I fix these things going on with me. I feel so disconnected. I haven't got any friends to help lift my spirit or give me pep talks. My family doesn't hear me when I speak my truths. I poured my heart out to my aunt a few years back and she told me i just wanted attention. Really I just wanted someone to acknowledge my feelings ya know? My ex used to make me cry and then tell me I was "mystic" crying.(she's a girl who fake cried all the time) So even now 4 years later I still can't cry anymore. I feel it build up sometime amd once in a while a few tears will fall. But I need to let out so much more emotion and feelings. But again I don't have any friends like none. No one to listen, no one to just hug me and say itll all get better. And idk how to get close to anyone any more. I want to so badly cause I am very lonely. My day consists of going to work, and then I come home. No random convos with friends, or anyone for that matter. Just me and my thoughts at work, and me and my thoughts at home. It sucks cause I can be so mean to myself. I'm working on it though.
I'm sure this post was all over the place it's really just a bunch of things I want/need to say out loud but there isn't anyone to hear me so I'm writing here. Thanks for reading and if you happen to be someone who also needs a friend please get in touch with me! Maybe we can save each other's sanity.

***ads play and podcast starts at 1:47
Intro (Timestamp: 1:47) - Rachel: Welcome back to another episode of Rachel Goes Rogue. This is your host, Rachel Savannah Leviss. Today, we are talking about part three of the Vanderpump Rules reunion. - Rachel: It has finally come to an end, season 11. It's been a long time coming, and we're here to react. I have my producers with me, and as usual, they will be asking me some questions to get my perspective on what we just watched during the reunion.
Well, first of all, I want to start off with asking you just your overall thoughts on the reunion, watching it. How do you feel? (Timestamp: 2:19) - Rachel: Overall, I just feel tired at this point. I don't enjoy watching this show, and (Rachel starts to get emotional) I'm just happy that it's over. It was good that they didn't talk about me very much this last episode, part three. - Rachel: That's great, but it's been really difficult watching each week. And I feel like I can finally start to move on from all of this, because it's been really difficult. It was really heavy and sad. - Rachel: And I think everyone on that cast is struggling. And I would be too if I was there. I mean, I'm struggling just watching it from the sidelines, so I can only imagine what it's like being on that stage.
So you're getting really emotional right now. Where is this emotion coming from? (Timestamp: 3:28) - Rachel: It's coming from a place of feeling like I haven't had much room to go. Feeling like stuck between a rock and a hard place, so to speak. Because this entire time, I have been preparing for them to slander my name, to paint me in the worst light. - Rachel: And my goal with this podcast was to be able to represent myself, to defend myself, to share what I've learned through my time that I took away and my recovery, and just to shed more light on the situation. - Rachel: And it hasn't been easy. It's been an extreme rollercoaster of emotions in a lot of different phases, getting sucked back into it, and then feeling like all consumed by all the comments and everything, and then completely cutting off communication with the outside world and living in my own reality in the moment. It's all about that balance, and it has not been easy to move on. - Rachel: I don't think it's been easy for any of the cast to move on rehashing it and talking about it and having other people tune in. It's not typical. It's not normal. And the day has finally come that the show, season 11, is over, and it's a relief to me because I don't have to keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. - Rachel: I don't have to think about what lies they're going to spread about me, and I don't have to think about what I need to defend myself about. And then following week, I feel like I can finally start to live my life again.
And so you're kind of talking about the boundaries that you've been setting by staying away and cutting people off, which obviously boundaries was a really big topic at the reunion. You obviously set some really strong ones by not returning to the show. What's your take on this discussion of boundaries? Do you agree with Lala or do you side more with Ariana when it comes to boundaries when it's in regard to filming the show? (Timestamp: 5:40) - Rachel: I could see both of their points of view. Setting a boundary for yourself is not an easy thing to do. And when other people are upset that you set a boundary for yourself, that's usually a telltale sign that that person is using you in some way and is not happy that you have this new boundary because it's not serving them. - Rachel: So, I can see why Ariana upholded her boundaries by not speaking to Tom, even though she actually did film with Tom this whole season, or for the later part anyway. But she refused to have that conversation with Tom at the end of the show, and I commend her for it because it would have been a fake conversation. You could tell that Tom, his only motive to having that conversation with her is for camera purposes and storyline purposes. - Rachel: Therefore, it's not an authentic conversation. It would have been crocodile tears, the whole thing. And I completely understand Ariana walking away. I walked away too, and people weren't happy about that either. - Rachel: For Lala's point of view, I can understand her perspective in wanting to have a good TV show for her livelihood and the longevity of her career. If you're going to commit to filming, then I can see why Lala is upset, because you are not only committing to filming with this person, I can see her point in that she is living under the same roof as Tom. - Rachel: They're living together, they're filming together, yet in Lala's eyes, Ariana is being stubborn by not filming with Tom, or that one scene. Who even cares about that one scene? I don't know. - Rachel: It's all so silly to me, but boundaries are important. I was in a place where I didn't have boundaries, and I was really trying to appease production and put on a good show. That became my priority season 10.
And where do you think the line needs to be drawn, you know? When at the end of the day, this is a paycheck and this is a job, versus this is someone's real life. You've talked a lot about wanting to live in reality. Where do you think that line should be drawn? (Timestamp: 8:32) - Rachel: I think that's an impossible question to answer when you're filming a reality TV show, because the line is so blurry, it's impossible to know what's real and what's not. And the more I'm out of it, the clearer I can see that. We see it with Tom Sandoval when he talked about production. - Rachel: He did the New York Times article, and he stopped talking mid sentence when a plane flew over or a truck drove by, whatever it was, because the audio, typically when we're filming a show and a plane flies by, you stop talking so that the audio can pick up normally without the distraction in the background. - Rachel: So it's like programmed in your mind to think a certain way, to act a certain way, to talk a certain way, to pursue certain things, where it becomes a part of your patterning. We also see the lines get blurred with Scheana and the comment section, and what is real life and what is not, what is her own true motivation for doing certain things, and what is influenced by outside commentary. - Rachel: That gets so blurry, and when you're all consumed in the perception of yourself, how can you really be sure that you're operating from a place of an inner knowing? That's a boundary that's blurred. With Lala, she clearly prioritizes the success of the show because she wants to secure her paycheck, and when people are setting boundaries for themselves and it's conflicting with what she wants and what is successful in her eyes, that sparks an anger within her. - Rachel: And it's all fabricated to a certain point because the bottom line is this show. So, I think it truly is impossible to live a real life and be on a reality TV show.
So, do you think it's fair for Lala to direct that anger towards Ariana? Or do you think she should be directing it more towards the show? (Timestamp: 11:12) - Rachel: Oh, no, not at all. I don't think that it's fair that Lala is directing that anger towards Ariana because Ariana has been very clear with her boundaries since the very beginning and…
I guess if she's feeling this way, do you think maybe she should have upheld her boundaries more if she was feeling so resentful towards someone doing the same? Do you think she's feeling like she regrets things that she had said in the past? (Timestamp: 11:35) - Rachel: I think she did uphold her boundaries. I think that she feels like she hasn't been supported the same way that Ariana is being supported. And it's probably not a good feeling, but she maneuvered differently than Ariana has. And Lala doesn't extend the same empathy towards others. So it's harder to support her, I believe.
She does make a point to say, many times, that she feels like things are not being honest on camera. She points out Tom and Ariana’s relationship being one of those things. Katie has a flashback moment where she also calls it out. Do you agree that things are not always honest on camera? (Timestamp: 12:12) - Rachel: Totally. Yeah. I think the point that Lala is making is that Tom and Ariana haven't been honest about their relationship on camera. - Rachel: And I think people are getting caught up in Lala being hypocritical because she wasn't honest about her relationship with Randall. Okay, yes, that might be true. But the point is that Tom and Ariana haven't been good for quite some time. - Rachel: And their relationship that was portrayed on camera for fans to see was not an accurate representation of their relationship. I see the frustration because I agree with that too.
Even on your part, how does it affect you as someone on the show when people aren't fully honest on camera? How does that affect the rest of the cast? (Timestamp: 13:21) - Rachel: Yeah, it affects everyone when people aren't fully honest on the show. I mean, I wasn't fully honest the season 10 reunion. I was still covering up for Tom Schwartz. - Rachel: I was still covering up for Tom Sandoval. I was still going along with that narrative, and it would have been much better to just be open and honest about it. But of course, Tom was like, no, that wouldn't be good for business. - Rachel: It wouldn't be good for Schwartz and Sandys if people knew that the Schwartz kiss wasn't authentic and we need that to seem real. So it does affect everyone when you're not being honest, because it portrays a certain picture that isn't reality, and the whole point of reality TV supposedly is to be real, following these real people's lives. - Rachel: So honesty would be like the most important value characteristic you would think that everyone on this show should have. But it seems like nobody does.
Well, speaking of honesty, Ariana kind of called out Tom and his motives behind wanting to apologize on camera. He finally does get that moment during the reunion to apologize to Ariana. He has some words when he does, he calls the affair something he regrets every day. He says that he wears it like a badge of shame. On your end, how did that feel watching that? (Timestamp: 14:46) - Rachel: It's hard to tell if Tom is being honest or not. Even in the Secrets Revealed episode, when he was asked how many girls he had sex with since me, and he had to pause and think about if he was going to be honest or not, he's just been caught in so many lies that it's hard to tell if he's being truthful. - Rachel: But hearing Tom say that he regrets getting involved with me every single day, I regret it too, so it is a little bit painful, but it's also like maybe something is registering for him. - Rachel: I don't know. But then again, his actions speak a lot louder than his words. He knows what words to say, and then it seems that he fails to follow through with meaningful action. And that's where true amends come into play.
There was just, I feel like, a lot of pain in the room all around. You kind of acknowledged that at the beginning of this episode. What do you think that this pain, and even Lala saying that she was okay seeing some of those friendships end, what do you think that means for the future of this group? (Timestamp: 16:07) - Rachel: I don't see much of the future for this group. It looks pretty shattered. It looks like these friendships are not healthy friendships. - Rachel: The dynamic between Lala and Scheana is not a healthy dynamic. It seems to be like a power imbalance. It seems like Scheana is trying to appease Lala to make sure she's secure, and she's getting certain needs met in that friendship because Ariana hasn't been around for Scheana the way that she's used to. - Rachel: Yeah, you could tell that Scheana’s struggling with coping with that. It seems like Lala's really on a wavelength of not effing with anybody on the cast right now. It seems like her friendship with Katie isn't strong because Katie's gotten really close with Ariana. - Rachel: It seems like even her friendship with Scheana is a little rocky. I think she sees Scheana as someone that's not...How do I want to say this? - Rachel: And I hate saying this word, because I don't want to like categorize somebody as something, especially because I've been called this before too. But I think seeing how Lala reacted to everything and how Scheana was trying to be the fixer and appease Lala, and it just didn't seem like enough for Lala. I think Lala sees Scheana as someone who is weak, perceived weakness. - Rachel: I'm not saying that Scheana is weak. And I think that there's a lot of alliances and manipulation happening, and none of that is healthy for our friendship dynamic. I can see why the show is taking a hiatus, because it just seems so fractured
Well, it definitely seems like at the very end of the episode, Scheana was very sure to get that last word in. I felt like she was looking directly at Lala and almost begging for her to hear her out that she was on her side. And it really did seem like the very end, Scheana had to choose. Is she Team Ariana or Team Lala? Do you think she made the right choice? Do you think she needed to make a choice, or do you think that she's putting this pressure on herself? (Timestamp: 18:21) - Rachel: Ooh, that's a good question. I think she feels a lot of pressure from the outside perspective, and she doesn't want to, obviously, like burn bridges with Ariana or anything. And I think Ariana has been very gracious towards Scheana. Do I think that she needed to choose sides? I don't think so. I don't know. - Rachel: I can see Lala's frustration probably because I'm sure Scheana and Lala have had conversations about the whole situation. And without Ariana there, I'm sure Scheana’s singing a much different tune than what we're hearing at the reunion, and that's sparking some frustration in Lala. And I'm sure that was a similar feeling when she called out Katie about it too. - Rachel: So yeah, I think that Lala feels pretty isolated, I want to say, in her feelings. And now that it's aired, and I did check Reddit for the first time in a very, very long time, it seems like the majority of people are hating on Lala right now. I'm human. - Rachel: I do hold some resentment towards Lala for the way that she's treated me over the years. I do empathize with her a little bit because all the hate online is just a little bit ridiculous. And I think also people are afraid to speak a differing opinion than the team Ariana side because people are just ruthless online and they don't want to hear a differing opinion. - Rachel: And if you do, then you get shunned out, too. It's very, my therapist calls it tribal shaming, where if you're not following the rules of the tribe, spoken or unspoken, then you're cast out and you're shunned.
***ads play and podcast resumes at 23:24
I mean, it does feel like the fans have had more of an impact on this season than ever. Would you agree with that? (Timestamp: 23:24) - Rachel: Yeah, especially because as they were filming this show, the fans were boots on the ground. We're going to production, we're going to filming, and we're going to take photos and document what we saw and all that stuff. Like it was very interactive in a way. - Rachel: I think with after show this year, it was a little bit different because some things have changed since the ending of filming last summer. One of the things was me starting my own podcast and speaking freely about my experience and my opinion and the after show gave the cast an opportunity to rebut what I was saying and it provided more of a context. - Rachel: And I think with more time passing from the end of filming last summer to, you know, early January, February of this year, when they filmed the after shows, cast dynamics shifted because as we all know, now watching the finale, Lala and Ariana did not end on a good note whatsoever. - Rachel: And so, you know, she had some choice of words to say during the after shows. And it seemed like she really got Sheena to support her with that.
Speaking about the fracturing of this cast, something about her did recently open. Not many cast members were in attendance to this opening. What's your take on that? (Timestamp: 24:56) - Rachel: Interesting. Do you know who went? - iHeart Lady: I know Schwartz went - Rachel: It seems a little telling that maybe Sheena and Lala aren't on the best terms with Ariana right now, because they went to like the Broadway opening that Ariana did for Chicago. And they also went to Dancing with the Stars. But this is all before they knew that she didn't watch the show. And so that was all before the reunion and everything. So yeah, it seems like maybe they're not on the best of terms right now.
What are your thoughts on production holding the last five minutes until the reunion to show to everyone? (Timestamp: 25:47) - Rachel: I wonder if they got word that Ariana wasn't watching the season. And they did that as a way to ensure that they would get a reaction from her, kind of like forcing her hand a little bit, forcing her into a situation that she did not want to be in. It was very strategic in that way. And it was something new. Like, we've never done that before. It was creative, for sure, on production's part.
Do you think it was fair to Ariana? (Timestamp: 26:27) - Rachel: There's a commitment, and part of that is watching the show and having an opinion on what's happening besides your own story that you're sharing. So in a way, it's like ensuring that Ariana did have an opinion on it. So very eye opening, to say the least.
I want your take on Tom's final words. He says, I love it. It's good for me. A lot of people in the room were very shocked by that. Tom even has a reaction to it, where he shakes his head no. They didn't even really press him on what he meant by that either. What's your take on all of that? (Timestamp: 26:49) - Rachel: I wish they pressed him on what he meant by that a little bit more. And Ariana was pretty much the only person that called him out on it too. She caught it. - Rachel: She was like, that exactly proves my point, that you are doing things for the audience, for the production value, and for his own story purposes. I guess in Tom's eyes, having Ariana refuse to film and walk off was good for him because he felt like he completed his job and fulfilled his duty with what production was asking from him. And Ariana was not. - Rachel: And I think selfishly, he probably thought that it would give him a better chance of having more of a redemption story. - Rachel: Because, ultimately, production is the one picking and choosing what they're going to share on the show and edit and put certain music behind certain scenes to make it seem even more of a certain way. Tom knows how to play into that. But I would have loved to hear what his explanation for that comment would be.
Why do you think they didn't press him? (Timestamp: 28:34) - Rachel: I think that they're protecting him, like they always have been.
We did see something interesting at the very end with Lisa stepping up and taking Ariana's side, which is kind of a different tune. You've talked about this before, where she seems to protect the guys a lot of the time, but then she changes her tune at the very end of the episode and takes Ariana's side. What are your thoughts on that? (Timestamp: 28:39) - Rachel: I think Lisa is very strategic with what she puts out there as well. And she knows what people are saying about her, with her always supporting the guys. So that could have been a motivation behind her changing her tune and supporting Ariana in that way. Yeah, I don't know. It's hard because I think also Lisa is very aware of who the fan favorites are. It's her show. - Rachel: She's an executive producer on this show. So she's not a dummy when it's coming to that. I think it helps her if she is supporting Ariana because she'll praise Ariana for walking away and end up holding her boundaries. - Rachel: But then when it comes to me, I don't even remember what she said about me. But when it comes to me walking away and setting a boundary for myself, I've been told that I'm a coward and I'm running away from my problems. - Rachel: So that part for me gets a little frustrating because it's like, and also the fans praising Ariana for upholding her boundaries and walking away and supporting her and telling her like, you know, she's outgrown this show. - Rachel: She should move on and do something even better with her life. And she's finding out now that these aren't her true friends and like good for her for upholding her boundaries and walking away from this situation. And I've done the same thing and it has been met with scrutiny.
Lala compares her situation with Randall to Ariana a lot throughout this reunion. Do you think the two are similar at all? (Timestamp: 30:37) - Rachel: I don't think that the relationship that Lala had with Randall is comparable to the situation that Tom and Ariana were in. It's hard to get on Lala's side with some of the things that she's saying, because the way that she spoke about her relationship with Randall is like bragging about doing BJs for PJs and getting gifted a Range Rover very early in their relationship and not being honest about who she was seeing and the situation that was happening basically. And it just seemed like she was in it for the money and like to secure her success and fame. - Rachel: So it's hard to get behind that, especially when she's been so outright about it. Unfortunately, Randall wasn't the stand up guy that she was selling him to be. We weren't buying it. - Rachel: In Ariana's case, viewers got to see that relationship develop over the years, whereas with Lala's, he wasn't around, like it was secret for a while. And, you know, it's harder to develop feelings towards a person or a relationship when you're not seeing it play out on camera. I think Lala has a lot of anger, maybe even towards herself, for the situation that she allowed herself to be in. And I think she might be taking that out on Ariana.
How hard is it to be really honest when you're in this position? And do you think certain cast members have an easier time doing this? (Timestamp: 32:22) - Rachel: So this is like where your own values come in. Like, are you an honest person or are you not? Because there are people in this cast that are not, and we know who they are, and they have no problem lying, and it doesn't bother them when they lie. - Rachel: And for me, I'm working towards living a more authentic, honest life. And part of that is being honest with my emotions, thoughts, and feelings, and expressing that, and doing that in a way that is still respectful, because I'm not trying to hurt people in the process. And I am trying to express myself honestly and be true to myself. - Rachel: So I think it just depends on who you're asking. I mean, it's definitely not easy. It's definitely hard because you're on this platform, this public arena where you're opening yourself up to scrutiny. - Rachel: And if other people have differing opinions than you do, or if your opinion is the minority, you're basically going to be harassed and scrutinized. And so sometimes for people, it's easier to not be fully honest with their thoughts and feelings in order to save face or in order to go with more popular opinion because it's perceived to be safer that way. But I don't know. - Rachel: At this point, it's like your words aren't going to hurt me. You can say whatever you want to say about me online, and I've survived this far. So whatever else you say about me is not going to affect me any more than it already has. - Rachel: I've developed thick skin through this process, and I've come to the point where I value my friendships that are real in the sense of I interact with these people in real life. I care more about people's perception of me when they actually meet me and interact with me and the vibes I give off that way. So you get to a certain point where it's almost your duty to show up for yourself and be honest with how you feel and how you think about a certain thing in that moment. - Rachel: And your opinions can change with time too and with more information. It's not like I'm going to say this one thing and I'm always going to feel this way. It's always changing, it's always developing, we're always getting more information, and we're always experiencing new things that change our perspective on life. - Rachel: So it's just your duty to represent yourself in the most authentic way so that your people will find you.
***ads play and podcast resumes at 38:08
Well, I think there was one kind of shining moment, I'll say, even though it was a really emotional moment. But the moment between, and this is a little bit of a pivot, but the moment between Schwartz and Katie, I found really interesting, where Andy was asking about their relationship. It seemed like this season, they had a little bit more of a playful dynamic. But Schwartz gets really emotional, saying that he doesn't regret how their relationship ended. But you can kind of see in his eyes that he tears well up. He gets really emotional. What did you make of that moment? (Timestamp: 38:08) - Rachel: We don't think we've really seen a moment like that between Tom, Schwartz, and Katie. It really seems like they've come to terms with how the relationship ended, and that it was for the best. But it seemed like there was a lot of fond memories and just appreciation for one another, that I don't think I've really seen that dynamic between them before. - iHeart Lady: To me, it seemed like in a season where there was a lot of hurt, that seemed like the one moment of maybe seeing two people that are going through the process of healing. - Rachel: Viewing that, it did seem like they were both coming from a place of healing, because they weren't throwing insults at each other or trying to bring each other down. It was very respecting one another and appreciating the moments that they did have together while it lasted. And that's refreshing to see on this show.
Lala said something at the very end where she said it was really hard for her to show up to season nine reunion, I believe it was. You know, she didn't want to talk about certain things, but she showed up. Ariana said the same thing where she could say the same about the season 10 reunion. She didn't want to be there. You could probably say the same thing about the season 10 reunion. You didn't want to be there as well. Is it fair to say everyone's been in a position where they didn't want to be somewhere, but they did anyway? (Timestamp: 39:44) - Rachel: 100%. Yeah, totally. And that's like the part of committing to this show. It's a commitment. And even though you don't quite know what you're signing up for, you know that it's not going to be necessarily easy. And there's a challenge in that. - Rachel: And I think, just speaking for myself, there was an opportunity for growth for me in that. Yeah, I think we've all been in a situation where we didn't want to show up for something and felt, I don't think obligated is the right word, but we made a commitment to being there, and we followed through with our commitment. And it's hard.
You started this episode off by acknowledging that there was a lot of healing that this cast needs to do. As someone who has taken a step back from filming, you've had this time to kind of come back to your own reality. What can this cast expect when you have that moment to kind of breathe and have that separation and you rejoin reality for a minute? (Timestamp: 41:07) - Rachel: Oh, okay. That is a loaded question. Because I think that there's a little bit of fear with not being the current topic of conversation. - Rachel: I think addiction is the wrong word, but there's a little bit of the dopamine hits that you get when you're being talked about on a reality TV show and the fear of that going away permanently could be a scary thing. But taking time off and re-centering with yourself, I think is like the best thing for this cast right now, because we don't want to be forced into situations that we don't want to be in. That's not living an authentic life. - Rachel: I mean, I've been worrying about scenes and storylines, and I haven't even been a part of this show, but now it feels good not to worry about that. And I do have to say, just like reading all the comments on Reddit right now, it's like hardly anybody is talking about me, which is a great feeling. It's just so much more freeing when you're not living your life for somebody else's entertainment anymore. - Rachel: It just feels like you get your life back a little bit. It's so complex, and I think it's hard to understand if you haven't been through being on a TV show for millions of people to comment on and judge your life. I don't think humans are meant for that, and there's no way that that's healthy. - Rachel: Yeah, I said that I think the cast, we have a lot of healing to do. We, as in, I still do too, and part of that is coming back to reality. And I really don't think that we've had a minute this whole season. I think it's going to be good for everyone.
Has this year though felt different to you? I feel like you're like half in, half out (Timestamp: 43:42) - Rachel: Oh, yeah, it's felt so different. But I think like a large part of that has to do with going to the meadows and really reconnecting with myself and learning about my issues and how it was showing up for me and really coming to terms with like, what is this piece of external validation and how is that motivating me? And is it even real? - Rachel: And just like really re centering back into myself and gaining a lot more perspective with that. Without the meadows, I would not be where I am right now. There's no freaking way. So it is. I'm living a new life. I really am. - Rachel: And I feel like I haven't really been able to truly have the opportunity to live my new life to the fullest because this show has been holding me back. And I know that that's partially my fault too because I'm indulging and speaking about it, but I'm really looking forward to the days when I can truly move forward and evolve into something even more magnificent.
Outro (Timestamp: 45:02) - Rachel: Thank you so much for listening to Rachel Goes Rogue. Follow us on Instagram and TikTok for exclusive video content at Rachel Goes Rogue Podcast.
***end

Welcome to TarotDecks' monthly resale/trade megathread which now takes place every 1st of the month!
Please read the full rules for resale here before posting.
Failure to comply with the rules will result in your comment being removed (and possibly banned from future threads depending on severity). The rules are in place as the best safety net we can offer as mods and not because I enjoy deleting comments. They will be strictly enforced!
KEEP RESALE TO THIS THREAD ONLY! Don’t even post comments linking back here in other threads. To keep a happy middle ground (aka not annoy the people who voted against this idea), any comment about resales outside of here will be removed. These posts will be pinned and announced on a weekly schedule making them easily accessible to everyone!
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SELLER’S GUIDELINES:
Each seller may have ONE main resale comment per megathread. You may add as many GENUINE decks to that comment as you want as long as they follow the following criteria:
Post a picture of your deck(s) for sale with a handwritten note that includes the date and your username. (Pictures will be valid for one month so no need to redo them if you need to repost next week!) Any comment without a verification photo of the item for sale will be removed.
To post multiple pictures to Reddit comments, please upload them to imgur or imgbb and link back to them in your comment. You can always reply to your own original resale comment, but they may get buried with buyer’s comments.
Reminder: Counterfeit decks are not allowed in Saturday’s resale megathread.
Tips on How to Spot Fake Decks!
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Copy/Paste this description with your photo in your comment:
[ YOUR IMAGE TITLE ]( YOURLINK )
Remove spaces, edit the title, and insert your link to post the above as a nice link.
DECK TITLE:
ARTIST:
CONDITION OF CARDS/BOX: (SEALED/LIKE NEW(free of defects/marks)/MODERATE USE (note any defects here)/VERY WORN (note any defects here)/MISSING CARDS (note missing cards here)/SCRAP DECK)
CONDITION OF GUIDEBOOK: (LIKE NEW (free of defects/marks)/MODERATE USE(note any defects here) /VERY WORN (note any defects here)/MISSING PAGES (note which pages here)/WRITTEN IN/NOT INCLUDED) (Note: If your deck has a QR code, it is probably counterfeit and not allowed to be resold here.)
ASKING PRICE: (**Must include a price. Best offer is fine, but no bidding wars, please!**)
SHIPPING INFO: (Included? If not, price? How? (USPS, FedEx, Royal Mail, etc.) When? Where? (Your country only? Worldwide?))
AVAILABILITY: (FOR SALE/PENDING/SOLD) (Please update this accordingly.)
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EXAMPLE COMMENT FORMAT
POSTED COMMENT EXAMPLE
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BUYER’S GUIDELINES:
You may comment on however many decks you are interested in buying, but you must post a public reply to the seller on the megathread before DM-ing them.
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Did you read the rules that are posted here yet?
Okay… but if you don’t read them, it won’t make them go away ;) REPORT ALL SUSPICIOUS ACCOUNTS. PERIOD. We are expecting an uptick in new users due to these threads.
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**Trading guidelines are more relaxed!**
TRADE GUIDELINES:
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Post a picture of your trade(s) with a handwritten note that includes the date and your username. (Pictures will be valid for one month!) Any comment without a verification photo of the item for will be removed.
Let’s try to keep trades to where they’re as even as possible. (indie for indie, mass market for mass market, fake for fake, etc.)
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Each trader should pay for shipping (unless there is a huge difference in what you are shipping, then it’s okay to ask the receiver to help cover the difference).
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Please leave a small review for the seller once your item is received to help others find legitimate users. Even just a confirmation you received the deck is fine!
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REPORT ALL SUSPICIOUS ACCOUNTS. PERIOD. We are expecting an uptick in new users due to these threads.
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Reminder: Counterfeit decks are allowed as trades as long as they are disclosed.
Posting a fake deck without disclosing it is an immediate ban!
Tips on How to Spot Fake Decks!
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Copy/Paste this description with your photo in your comment:
[ YOUR IMAGE TITLE ]( YOURLINK )
Remove spaces, edit the title, and insert your link to post the above as a nice link.
DECK TITLE:
ARTIST:
CONDITION OF CARDS/BOX: (SEALED/LIKE NEW(free of defects/marks)/MODERATE USE (note any defects here)/VERY WORN (note any defects here)/MISSING CARDS (note missing cards here)/SCRAP DECK)
CONDITION OF GUIDEBOOK: (LIKE NEW (free of defects/marks)/MODERATE USE(note any defects here) /VERY WORN (note any defects here)/MISSING PAGES (note which pages here)/WRITTEN IN/NOT INCLUDED) (Note: If your deck has a QR code, it is probably counterfeit and not allowed to be resold here.)
LOOKING FOR: (Try to keep your looking for to as close to the value of your trades as possible.)
AVAILABILITY: (Available/Pending/Traded) (Please update this accordingly.)
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(Please note that the formatting for this post may change next week as I’m working everything out with it.)
Have fun!