Emotions para blackberry msn

I don't need any advise dahil alam ko naman gagawin ko. Sadyang kailangan ko lang ilabas yung feelings, emotions, and thoughts na nasa utak ko para ma process ng maayos uli yung mga bagay.
Why can't people just listen? Not everyone talaga has the capacity to understand a situation kahit ilang beses mo na pinagsabihan na I just wanna speak my thoughts out loud and vent out.
Ang hirap mag confide ng nararamdaman to some people who don't know how to listen. Binanggit mo naman intention mo na you just want someone to listen. Pero may unsolicited advice pa rin. Save it at the end when everything is done.. Pero pag ikaw ang makikinig sa kanila ofc you won't interrupt until they feel good, kalmado na sila, at clear na mind nila. Because only by then they are capable na to converse and be objective with whatever is going on sa naiisip nila.
Hay nako. Nako naman. Nako naman.

Was seeing this guy for 7 months we weren’t official but both caught feelings and he had to leave the country. Some things got complicated a month before he left we decided to put breaks, but we still met up was too emotional cause we would move to diff countries never to meet again. However right before leaving we met, I had to leave that night got a medical emergency. Apologised told him can I see him for 10 minutes or atleast talk to him to say bye properly and get some closure (last month was complicated, he slept with someone we were never exclusive he realised during that he feels something for me and I realised after he told me I have feelings too but he was leaving, he ghosted for 2 weeks came back I was so annoyed told me he was so overwhelmed (I did spam cause we were suppose to meet for closure), I tell him it’s better we don’t continue this he agrees but says I love you you’ll always be my girl he keeps calling every 4-5 days to come over the day he gets to know he has to leave in April end instead of August he comes over says he had to say bye to me, I tell him he’s only saying that so we can have sex, disagrees then we have sex he leaves next morning on a phone call no bye nothing. Felt manipulated went out to a party got drunk and texted him an para saying I’m stupid to have let him in I felt so hurt and small. He then blocked me, calls me again after a week, back to the night we were suppose to have bye. Anyways he was suppose to leave the next day, he told me he got busy so he’ll call me he didn’t, told me the day he was leaving he’ll call me he slept the other night again didn’t call. No response nothing he left, I felt so led on and used I sent him my closure texts (no anger) he ghosted. I got anxious cause he was travelling called him once didn’t pick up, in one weak moment I broke down begged him to respond all he said was busy next few months, thx. That’s it back to ghosting. Anyways a month later last week I see him, he had an event in town he said he won’t attend. I was drunk he was drunk my best friend was there she was drunk, he ignored me completely in person, saw him flirt with another girl, got mad I went up showed him the finger and ran. Idk if he saw it, my best friend who he doesn’t even know goes up tells him he hurt me, he was like it depends she and him come to me she starts name calling him she’s seen me cry a lot of diff emotions but I step in cause it’s between me and him. I ask him if he has anything to say (mind you we are meeting after 1 month after he told me he left the city forever) he shakes his head mumbles no, I tell him and he says nothing I tell him I feel lied to and lead on and blindsided he just smiles in a weird way (he was out of his head drunk so was I), I tear up tell him but I trusted you he stays silent and then in one moment of anger induced by raging hurt I tell him I regret meeting him and tell him to fuck off in front of my friend. I instantly regret it, yes I was hurt but I have never raised my voice or said something to hurt someone on purpose, doing it in front of someone felt so immature. I texted him if we can talk, nothing anyways I sent 2-3 texts taking accountability and telling him this was not how I wanted things to end. Still ghosting and ik I was hurt, he disrespected me by laughing when I was telling him how I feel but we were not sober and I feel so guilty. He’s just gonna think he lost a crazy ex and just I never regretted meeting him there was good too, I don’t know what to do. I feel blindsided cause we never had our breakup convo, we planned to but never did, he ghosted before held me in his arms told me he will never do it but still did it but what I did I just would never want that to happen to anyone, it was disrespectful and immature I agree. But does anyone ever feel guilty for being angry at their ex?

i have 7 friends back in shs (3 girls, 4 boys). i became close with them during the hardest point of my life kaya i consider them one of my biggest blessings kasi their mere presence can make my day a whole lot better.
back in grade 12, super hana ng vacant period so nagkayayayan magtagaytay. i was about to say no bc my family was facing financial issues then and ayoko masayang baon ko for the week. knowinh my situation, sinama nila ako and they paid for everything. now, i cherish that memory a lot.
noong college, we took up different paths but we stayed in the same university. kahit na same school, ang hirap magkita because of our scheds kaya laking gulat ko nung nasa labas sila ng room ko on my birthday. they only stayed for 5 mins and wished me a "happy birthday" in person.
now na working na, bihira ko na makausap yung 2 other guys haha may mga jowa na rin kasi. madalas ko makita yung 1 guy since close ang office namin, sometimes nag 20 min coffee break kami during lunch haha yung other guy naman tinulungan ako magsecure ng concert ticket.
anyway the reason why i posted this talaga is my 3 girl friends. yung isa kasi flight attendant na so madalas wala siya sa bansa. nagplan kami ng beach trip this june kasi tamang-tama may long vacation siya. unfortunately, hindi ako nakasama because of financial reasons and mental health. nagulat ako na tumawag sila (vc) just to say "hi" and "how are you" tapos nag pic kami para lang included ako kahit papano.
super small act pero im so emotional lang talaga haha i love them so much

Hi, been feeling this way a lot ever since my previous job.
Wanted to make this as anonymous as possible so using throwaway account, but I have opened this up to a few of my friends and family, but I think there might be a chance na makilala nila ako rito, but fuck it, I'll rant this here na lang.
So I work as a type of artist. I've been pursuing art since childhood so working as an artist is a dream job for me. Ever since I graduated, I was able to get into a company where I was able to work and improve my skills as an artist.
I am diagnosed with mental health issues due to family problems, been struggling for 7 years na. Daming pinaghirapan but was able to get into a job role na gusto ko talaga.
First job wasn't that bad, pero some mental health issues resurfaced when I was in my 3rd month, tapos lumala sya sobra to the point na I get physically sick when I am not okay mentally. It affected my work performance, as a result, di ako naregular sa first job ko. It was a big blow to me kasi before getting into my first onsite, full time job, naging okay na ako mentally for 2 years due to constant therapy and consistent medications.
After that I spent some time healing, di naging madali, pero ginawa ko what I can para di bumagsak further. Eventually, was able to get into, surprisingly, one of my target companies (as an artist) na gusto ko pagtrabahuhan.
Everything seems to be okay at first, kaso nagkaron kami ng major argument ng mom ko before I moved out for my second job. Needless to say, it gradually ate away my mental state during working my 2nd job.
Super love ko dun sa 2nd work ko. I appreciate my workmates so much and I love the projects that I do. Pero grabe yung trauma ko from my first job of failing again, to the point na wala ako tiwala sa sarili ko. Unfortunately, yung gradual decline ng mental health ko from unresolved issue at home, led me to being sick again, and eventually, like my first job, affected my job performance.
For a 2nd time, di ako nagtagal sa job ko. Sobrang naiyak ako nun kasi isa pa naman sya sa dream companies ko.
It didn't help din na there was an issue that came up before I left the job completely. Won't go into details but long story short, di ako nabayaran ng last pay ko and had to pay the company a huge amount because of some higher up's mistake. I was struggling enough as it is financially, and another big blow yun sakin kasi not even I lost my job for a second time, nagkaron akong utang ng sobrang dami.
Sobrang na depress na naman ako dahil dun and super traumatising yung experience. Not only did I lose confidence pero sobrang sakit every time I see posts from company page ng 2nd job ko and seeing my former coworkers' posts. May times I can't stand to see them kaya I opt out of LinkedIn and Facebook para lang di ko makita. Iba kasi yung pain talaga, to the point na it makes my chest hurt.
I don't know what to do, and I wanna get rid off this negative feeling. It's been months since it happened and still recovering pa ako financially and emotionally from what happened (sobrang hirap lalo na financially). Fortunately, I was accepted to a chill, remote job for now, and consistent naman ako sa work, performance-wise din. Pero di ko matanggal sa isip ko yung baka mawalan na naman ako work and wala yung confidence ko, and di pa rin ako makascroll through maayos sa LinkedIn and Facebook without feeling traumatised and depressed pag nakikita ko yung posts ng previous company ko.
I almost wanted to kill myself when it happened, ngl, it eats away pa rin from time to time, pero namamanage naman. I want this feeling to go away badly.

Here is Part One and Part Two
Monetization is okay, but do not lock behind a paywall, if you make an audio using this script please post the link or comment as I would love to hear it! The monsterboys are a bluejay demon and a garden snake demon. Tweaking is fine on all my scripts! Change anything you want as long as long as it is clear it is the same script and credit is given!
Snake has already been a familiar before and speaks with confidence, comes off as overprotective and controlled, until he gets upset. Uses fast strikes to hit and venom to paralyze enemies.
Bird has not been a familiar before and comes off as overexcited and needy. Tries his best but is new to feeling romantic emotions and does not really know how to handle it. Uses his feathers as sharp projectiles and his voice to disorientate enemies.
Both care deeply for their mage and (secretly) for each other, but their ideals and emotions often clash.
[SFX]
("Spoken" noises)
*Tone Changes / Suggestions*
~~~~~~~~ Listener "speaks", longer pause in spoken audio
[Vines growing, dirt cracking, blade swishing and hitting the ground]
Snake: *Pleased* Your powers have gotten much more stable over the past month. Have you decided what you want to do with your new abilities?
Bird: [Wing flapping] Our mage can do anything they want, as long as I get to keep eating the fruits they don't think are good enough for others.
Snake: *Playfully* You already finished off 2 barrels of blackberries in the past week, at this rate I do not think there will be anything for others.
Bird: *Teasing back* Hey, we made a deal, if you get to eat all the bugs and small animals from the garden, I get all the fruits, it's only fair.
Snake: (laughing, hissing) Alright, alright. But seriously, any ideas mage?
~~~~~~~~~
Snake: You want to create a bigger garden and open a store in the nearby village to sell your produce? That's an amazing idea!
Bird: We can help you harvest and transport everything. Well, I can at least, I think Coils would be better at the bookkeeping.
Snake: *Curious* What makes you think that?
Bird: *Teasing* Being in a cozy room stacked with books and records along with a roaring fire in the background to keep you warm while you run through numbers doesn't sound nice?
Snake: (Hissing, clears throat) That does sound...relaxing...
Bird: (Cooing, laughing) Too easy. Anyways mage, were you thinking of selling just the fruits themselves? You could definitely make more money selling drinks or treats made with what you grow.
Snake: Did you just say that our mage should start selling wine? Can you imagine the amount of craziness that would come to our door if we opened a tavern?
Bird: Craziness and excitement. It could be fun.
~~~~~~~~
Bird: Ha! See Coils? Even our mage agrees.
Snake: Pretty vine, you can not be seriously considering that idea.
~~~~~~~~~
Snake: Oh, not exactly a tavern but close...if you decide to become an Archmage you want to sell potion ingredients and learn how to make your own... how nice.
Bird: Do you want to become an Archmage? This is the first you've brought it up. I know you have the potential to become an elementalist but that is a fast progression. The strain on your body...
Snake: Do not worry Birdie. You have to wait three years to move up a rank and most study and train for at least five before they even try. Our mage will be ready to unlock more of their magic by then. Especially with both of us by their side. Right?
Bird: Of course! Whatever they need or want, we will aid them!
~~~~~~~~~
Bird: You aren't sure if you want to go past the mage level? Why not?
~~~~~~~~
Snake: Ahh, the increased responsibility. That is fair, even if you put in the work and have the potential to move up, sometimes you are perfectly content where you are. That is a very wise mindset.
Bird: I could see why you wouldn't want to add more stress to yourself. Still, if you ever do want to rank up, we will be more than happy to help you train.
Snake: *Excited* Speaking of training, once you are back to full strength we should all spar to see how you perform in combat.
Bird: That's a good idea! Could you imagine how much damage our mage could do in a fight? I wouldn't be surprised if they can defend the entire village by themselves.
~~~~~~~~
Snake: Oh, you are more of a support fighter? Really? I mean I figured with the scythe you always carry that you would be more of a heavy hitter but...
~~~~~~~~
Snake: Yes, I know your weapon is mainly for harvesting and you grow vines around the blade to be safe. Wait... do you also keep the blade covered when you fight?
~~~~~~~~
Bird: It makes sense that our mage does that Coils. They rather incapacitate than kill. It matches their personality.
Snake: Yesss it doesss but...
Bird: Besides, what are the chances that...
[Fireball] [Hissing] [Chittering] [Vines swooshing]
Snake: Unholy venom! What wasss that?
Bird: Coils, protect our mage, I'll figure out what happened. [Flies up to check out scene] *Yelling, worried* It's a person, their hands have small fires in th- [Fireball, Bird dodges]
Snake: Birdie, be careful!
Bird: [Coming back down] I am fine, let's get our mage inside and-
[Fireball, vines growing and blocks it]
Snake: How dare you invade our territory and attack without cause! At least state your purpose for this fight! You are a witch are you not? What coven do you belong to?
[Fireball]
Bird: Well that answers one question at least, a fire witch. Quickly, get inside mage, we will protect you and our home.
[Crashing trees]
Snake: *Deadpan* There you are. Leave now and we will not hurt you.
[Feathers thrown out like pins] [Hissing]
Bird: I make no such promises, our garden is ablaze! Besides, from the look on their face they aren't going to surrender.
[Fireball] [Vines growing, swishing]
Snake: Enough of thisss! [Slithering, multiple bites, hissing] [Fireball]
Bird: Coils! He's been hit! Go inside mage! Now! [Flies, throws feathers out again]
~~~~~~~
Bird: Do not argue with me! [Fireball, vine blocks it] Are you okay, (Snake's name)?
~~~~~~~~
Snake: I am fine, I promise. This witch is faster than I thought. And they still will not answer why they are doing this.
Bird: The why doesn't matter right now. Let's subdue them first, the questions can be answered later. [Fireball] [Vines] [Listener hit]
Both demons: Mage!
[All noises stop] *Demons speaking, finishing each other's thoughts, both seething with rage but speaking calmly*
Snake: How dare you? You weak-
Bird: Pathetic-
Snake: Miserable-
Bird: Sorry excuse for a witch-
Both Demons: *Yelling* How dare you hurt our mage?! [Sounds of a fight, both demons lose their minds and attack with their full powers] [Witch falls on ground]
Snake: And sssstay there!
Bird: We should just end them now. They are a fire witch, we could throw their body into the sea for their crimes.
Snake: Unfortunately, we cannot. We need to report this to the fire coven leader and they will punish this witch accordingly.
Bird: Fine, mage are you okay? You were able to block it right? Mage?
Snake: They have been hit! Quick! (Bird's name), transform and fly us to a healer!
Bird: I can't carry them if they are injured so badly, that will just make the pain worse!
Snake: If you don't, our mage might not be able to feel pain at all soon! Come on! I will hold them to block out the worst of it!
[Voices start fading]
Bird: Got it! Hold on mage, please, hold on... [Transforms, grabs both, flies into the sky]
Snake: It's okay...you will be okay... we swear... I'm so sorry...
[Fade Out]

TW: suicide mention
Supposedly I was (was.) high-functioning/mild/LSN, but other mental illnesses like severe anxiety and depression at the ripe age of 11 stunted my emotional and social development- actually, more than that, it seemed to decline the progress I did have. I knew I was autistic since I was about 10, and I knew I acted differently but didn't care. Then, magically one day when I was 11, it really bothered me. I was ashamed of myself. I think this is where most autistic people begin to mask, but instead I developed horrible anxiety from the shame of it, and later depression. My old social, happy, energetic self was gone.
I was coddled and sheltered all my life, so I think that was part of it. I didn't have the motivation to mask and stuff because I was used to my mom or someone else doing everything for me. It was easier to just die than to mask. Having to put all of that effort into being someone I'm not because I had to be born differently, why? It isn't fair. It also isn't fair how I'm "SUPPOSEDLY" LSN yet I act like I'm MSN. I can't work because of emotional reasons, I can't drive, I can't take care of myself financially, so where is the "LSN" part, exactly? I can't relate to this subreddit at all.
Maybe it isn't autism's fault, but instead depression and anxiety, but I only developed those because of autism. I have been miserable every day since then, and that has been almost 9 years ago. People told me it would get better, and yet my life turned a total nose-dive when I was 15 and I've been so much worse since then. Almost solely because I can't mask. Well, maybe I can, but I'm too lazy to even try. Plus, I'd also have to mask my anxiety and depression as well, which is just too much to do. After I graduated high school I've isolated myself since then, and... I'm still miserable, but mainly because of my wasted youth and losing my memories of it, but besides that I'm fine.
Growing up always felt like something that would just never happen to me. It just never felt right at all. Once I was 11 I tried killing myself for many reasons, but one of them was to stop growing up. After I turned 11, my skills (social and emotional mainly) declined, and yet people's expectations only rose. They didn't care that I was miserable. They just cared about me fitting into the narrow idea of successful. Why should I have to work and add to a world that has only hurt me? I love being able to stay home all day every day, watching TV, scrolling on the Internet, and playing games. This has been the happiest I've been in years, yet people act like I'm so bad for not working or adding to anything. I'm still miserable because of the past, but besides that, my current life is alright. It still feels like something is missing but I'm too weak to improve. I just wish I had that masking mentality when I was younger... instead of turning to suicide as the solution...

We had a 7 years relationship. I was faithful to her the whole time. One third ng buhay ko binuhos ko sa kanya. Until she cheated on me. All is well not until lumipat sya ng work. Hatid sundo ko sya kahit malayo ako. One week palang sya sa bagong work biglang nagloko. Kaya pala bigla syang nagbago. Pag magkasama kami dapat walang phone. Kasi quality time. Lagi syang nagphophone na tapos may kachat. Tinanong ko kung sino kachat nya, sabi kawork lang. HR kasi sya. Dun palang naghinala na ko. Kinutuban ako na may something. Kasi gabi tapos kakagaling sa work chat pa ang tagal. Lalaki pa. Every night nagdidinner kami pagkasundo ko sa kanya at pag weekend nagsisimba. Never ko syang pinagbuhatan ng kamay, never ko syang pinagsalitaan ng masama o pinagtaasan ng boses. Malaki ang respeto ko sa kanya as my partner. Kaya kami umabot ng matagal. Kahit gano kahirap ang sitwasyon, di ako bumitaw. Pag nagagalit ako, sinasarili ko lang nagtitimpi ako. Ayokong manakit kasi physically or emotionally. Going back, naging maayos ang lahat. Nung ilang araw palang sya sa work yun na, nakaramdam na ko ng kakaiba. Then every night kachat nya yung guy. Then Sunday nagsimba pa kami. Okay pa lahat e. Masaya. Then Monday, bigla nalang sya nagmessage na may iba na daw sya. Kaya pinuntahan ko sya agad. Tapos yun umamin sya. Tama yung kutob ko. Para kong sinakluban ng langit at lupa. Yung taong iningatan ko, sinamahan ko sa hirap at saya, niloko ako. Pinaglaban ko sya. Kaso yung lalaki ang pinili nya. Lagi nyang kasama. Habang kami nagpaligaw sya at naging sila. Ang sakit lang. Pero pinagdasal ko nalang sya. Sana tama desisyon nya. Sana wag mangyari yung ginawa nya sakin. Kasi kahit papano may pinagsamahan kami at ayokong may bigat o sama ng loob. Ayokong magsuffer kasi wala naman akong ginawang masama. Mula non binlock nya ako sa lahat ng socmed account, pati family nya sya nag access para iblock ako. From start ng relationship namin kinuha nya na lahat ng socmed account ko, binlock at inunfriend nya mga babae na friend ko sa fb kahit mga kaklase at pinsan ko. Pero sya never kong kinuha account nya kasi kahit nasa relationship ako, may respeto ako sa privacy nya. Yun pala sya yung gagawa ng kalokohan sa huli. Takot sa sariling multo. Binigay ko lahat sa kanya. Hindi ako nagkulang. Pero siguro hindi sya naging kuntento. Masakit sa una. Syempre mahal mo. Pero unti unti kong tinanggap na wala na. Sinabi ko sa kanya, never akong bumalik sa ex ko. Pero pinili nya yung one week nya palang nakilala kesa sa 7 years relationship namin. Pinaglaban ko siya pero tao lang ako, napagod at natuto din. Pero pinagdasal ko nalang sya na sana wag mangyari sa kanya ang ginawa nya sakin. Mula non, nagmove forward ako, nagfocus sa career. It happened in 2022, kaya I am totally healed. Tsaka di ako kakausap ng iba kapag di pa ako healed at ready. Hindi ako magiging unfair sa taong makakausap ko. I am fully healed na and ready to accept and take the risk. Syempre di na ako mag sasayang ulit ng oras. Yun lang mahirap kasi mag back to zero pero life goes on. We should always choose genuine peace and happiness.

So it would take a painful process, like very traumatic naman talaga like Anakin Skywalker level pre-Darth Vader era na to lol... For some serious emotional damage to really take place, there are several factors that needs to be considered. The character is not "iron heart"-ed for no reason. Matibay nga dapat, emotionally, as well as physically 👍
But here are some random thoughts:
"Like losing a loved one is probably nothing new to him, losing everything, becoming isolated from the rest of them and his friends, seduced by the dark side thru people who are out for bloodshed, etc. Lol If they do plan to go this route for Apollo’s arc, there's a lot to cover..."
"Oh and Priam’s voice haunting him, pushing him further into his dark side hmm yan yung angle na gusto ko..."
"I also feel that it could be based off of a moral superiority or Savior complex syndrome on his part or that he truly wants to establish the whole "no innocent person will ever have to suffer the same fate as my father" type of thing... like it has to be ingrained in his mindset that his plans will pull through... as in that's where his motivation to accomplish his plans comes from. Naalala mo Yung first time nagalit si Apollo ng sobra that he screamed because he didn't get to Priam sa Delos? Helen had to real talk him every time or at least remind him that killing him won't be enough. So I think after killing Damon and then saving the folks at Delos, really kept Apollo’s motivation. Yung consistently defeating the bad guy in their own turf and saving the innocent at the same time is his primary drive. Kung nagkataon na palagi napapalpak si Apollo, he's bound to get exhausted and angry"
"napasigaw in frustration sya doon dahil na timing nya at hindi sya nagsasayang ng opportunity. But ep 7 was definitely a glimpse of where Apollo could just suddenly strike at some point lalo na't nababalot sya sa galit. Yung right after nalaman nya mga plano nila ... literally heard them just gamble the lives of people, so yung first assassination attempt kay Priam must've been satisfying para kay Apollo in the least but then malaking Kapalit after what happened to Cassandra. Like after that, parang Apollo will take any opportunity he gets to killing Priam (Russian Roulette scene in El 112)"
"if we were to rewrite the script where someone close to Apollo managed to betray him with concealing the truth and information he needs to be able to speed up his mission..."
"Helen concealing stuff from him when he could've benefited from it the most and perhaps the risks he took to prevent his loved ones from getting killed. It's a tricky situation to be in ... after napatay si Delia, then he gets removed from CIB, you'd think his going rogue would really do the trick ... Kung wala ang Apollo 5 na nabuo nya, posible naging delulu si Apollo sa kakapag plano paano pabagsakin si Priam... cutting off all his connections, plus yung kay Bungo etc. So it’s hard to actually remove some of his moral compass that has many ties, that keeps him grounded... "
"Apollo’s character weakness would suddenly surface as early as before the assassination attempt on Priam tapos madaming beses pumalpak sa plano... the consistency of his errors would have to be realized early on... we wouldn't need much of Eros in order for certain events to come together, and Apollo grows more frustrated with himself, tulad ni Eros. Eros, Hermes, like they're all a FOIL kay Apollo, so they'd have to be eliminated early on. Or maybe no "mabuting kriminal" na bff like Poseidon lol alot of these things have to be eliminated or less connected to Apollo in order to create this inevitable fall and becomes subjected to Priam’s manipulation..."
OK that will suffice for now! ;) More ideas to come! Sorry ang haba 😁✌️

Iba talaga pag tinamaan ka ng burnout hahaha. Ever since I was in high school, I know to myself that I am pressured. It was as if kelangan ko patunayan ang sarili ko at ang academic achievements ko ang validation ko sa ibang tao. Hindi naman ako ganun katalinuhan pero nasanay na lang din ang pamilya ko na lagi akong may inuuwing award sakanila since elementary. Kaya di ko rin mapigilan na mapressure, knowing na ako rin yung back up plan at last card ng pamilya.
I am a consistent Dean's Lister since first year. May mga orgs din ako nasalihan. Sa mga nagdaang taon sa college, hindi ko akalain na mas na-express ko ang sarili ko. Minsan di ko rin alam kung pano ko napagsasabay-sabay lahat. Na-overcome ko ang ilan sa mga fears ko, I was really doing great not until this semester. Although, sobrang daming hardships and breakdowns din naman nung mga nakaraan but I think this one is different. Noong mga nagdaang semester, sobrang active ko sa klase. Palagi akong nagre-recitation and all pero di ko alam kung anong nangyari ngayon hahaha. Maging ang mga kaklase ko ang nagsasabi na napansin nila na bigla akong tumahimik at di ganon na active.
Mas lumala pa yun nong naka lowest ako sa isang exam sa major dahil aminado ako sa sarili ako na wala akong maayos na review kaya di ko ganon naintindihan ang concept. Ang malala pa kasi don ay ang ginawang ng prof namin ay iniba ang seating arrangement sa klase based sa score sa exam na yun, kaya pinakang dulo ako nakaupo. Naniniwala kasi ang prof na yun na everything is competition at kailangan daw mas maging mataas pa ang makuha namin kesa sa iba. Dahil don, mas nawalan ako ng gana. Aaminin ko na hindi yun matanggap ng ego ko pero wala naman ako magawa.
Recently, we conducted a demonstration and I know to myself that I did my best. Parang para sakin yun ulit ang first time na naging active ako. Sinabihan ako ng Prof ko sa subject na yun na magaling daw ako magpaliwanag. Pero ito ako ngayon, feeling ko pa rin hindi enough yung naging performances ko. Wala na kong gana sa lahat hahaha kasi sobrang pagod na ko mentally at emotionally.

ABYG kung aalis na ako sa business ng ate ko na nagpa-aral sa akin nung college?
If may mahirap man intindihan sa mga ilalarawan ko sa baba, pls bear with me dahil medyo bangag na ako. I'm writing this in the middle of the night hahaha. Warning: Long post ahead.
For context, 'yung ate ko nagpa-aral sa akin noong college. And I'm forever grateful to her for that. May kundisyon siyang binigay para sa pagpapa-aral niya sa akin and that is magtatrabaho ako sa kanya after ko ng college. Fast forward to when I graduated and nakapasa ng board exam, natuloy nga 'yung plano. Since bago pa lang 'yung business, nakiusap sa akin 'yung ate ko na allowance lang muna ibibigay niya sa akin initially since wala pang income 'yung business (binibigyan niya ako ng 3000 per month, libre bigas, bahay, at kuryente + 2k for my meds). Nakahiwalay ako ng apartment and I was barely surviving on canned goods and noodles at that time lol. Naging ganoon ang buhay ko for the next 3 months. Then for the following months nagkaroon na ako ng sahod - I have never made more than the minimum wage since porsyentuhan ang hatian namin. And I work 13 hours per day (used to be 14 hours pa), 6 days a week. One year din na ako lang literal ang tao nila, as in I do all the work - maglinis, gumawa ng paper works, and deal with the customers. Fortunately, after 1 year kumuha sila ng kasama ko.
Now, the problem is sobrang nade-drain na ako. Physically from the work, and emotionally and mentally sa treatment nila sa akin ng asawa niya. Madalas akong pagalitan kasi marami raw akong pagkukulang, in short hindi ako perfect magtrabaho lol. I literally have never had an 8-hour sleep ever since napunta ako rito. Wala akong social life, and I can't even afford to go to the gym na siyang prinamis ko sa sarili ko noong student palang ako na gagawin ko lahat para ma-achieve ko dream body ko once na may work na ako - kasi I grew up being bullied for my body.
I feel like I am not growing professionally here. I know once na umalis ako rito, most likely magsasara itong business since gamit dito 'yung PRC license ko. And I know for a fact na magho-hold ng grudge 'yung ate ko at asawa niya sa akin once mangyari 'yun. Pero my happiness and growth is at stake here. So, ABYG kung gusto ko nang umalis dito?

Other stories by TheMaskedOne2807: The Oil Chapter 1 (Getting Back)
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Clutching the family sword as tightly as he could, Jubo hesitantly grabbed the door handle and entered his father's study.
Inside, the room was filled with a huge collection of books, neatly placed in perfect order on bookshelves carved from the finest and most expensive wood.
Likewise, the room was fitted with expensive quality furniture, chairs, tables, couches, and rare items that had been collected and kept in the family.
Standing at the very end of the room, close to the open balcony door behind a massive and finely crafted desk, was Para looking his way and his father with his back turned.
He wasn’t the tallest man and had completely orange fur, the coward's color. However, despite those two things, Jubo had long ago learned his imposing presence and predatory gaze more than made up for something so trivial.
Keeping his ears and tail under control to the best of his ability Jubo walked toward his father.
“That’s far enough, lord Dekaso said in a cold voice, making Jubo stop halfway between the balcony and the door. “I see your long journey has made you forget how a proper son acts.
“Throwing a family heirloom down on the ground, entering my study, and walking closer without asking permission. That is not how a proper royal or son acts.”
Even though he was looking in the opposite direction, Jubo could still feel his father's predatory gaze on him, watching for any mistake or misstep just like they always did. “I’m sorry, father I-
“There’s no need for that, son, lord Dekaso interrupted, letting out a cough as he turned around and walked toward Jubo. “You’ve been among those filthy low-born for some time.
“I suppose it was too much to expect that their filth wouldn’t stain you in some manner. But it is of no consequence; any stain can always be cleaned. Now, son, I hear Para tell of your prowess on your journey; why don’t you, too, beguile me with tales of your experiences.”
“Yes, father. The caravan was only set upon by heretics twice. One halfway through the journey and one near the end, Jubo began. “The battles themselves were nothing to speak of.
“I would take their lives before they could blink; however, fighting the heretics made me realize something that sparring with any opponent in the capital could never... Something I truly believe has improved my skills greatly.”
“Is that so? I hear tell that in the first battle you fought as any son of mine should. However, in the second battle, you fought differently, did you not? Lord Dekaso inquired. “As I was told, you were much more akin to a wild beast with swordsmanship that paled in comparison to what you were taught.”
‘That filthy vixen! Jubo thought, doing his best not to let any emotions show. ‘It was only because I was drunk that she was able to restrain me and force that drop of burning poison on my tongue. I could barely think straight with the pain.’
Clearing his throat to buy him just a little time, Jubo thought of an explanation. “The truth is, father, I’ve already proven I could kill the heretics with what I’ve been taught, but it just seemed too quick. The heretics deserve to die painfully, so I attempted a new method, one of my own invention.”
Letting out a sigh, lord Dekaso started walking around him like a predator encircling its prey. “Son, you do well to remember what you were taught in regard to swordsmanship. It has guided all of our ancestors to certain victory.
“Now, is there something more you wish to share, or is that all that happened on your journey?”
Clutching his family’s sword by the sheath as hard as he possibly could, Jubo looked toward Para, who had a calm and emotionless expression. “There is father.
“In one of the battles, as I decapitated a heretic, its blood left a scar on the blade. I can only guess it was because of their vile magic they managed to do so, but still, I’m filled with shame for letting it happen.”
Coming to a halt Lord Dekaso reached out his hand. Knowing he couldn’t show hesitation, Jubo handed the family sword to him.
Drawing the sword from its sheath so smoothly that not even a sound could be heard, Lord Dekaso held it up in the light and inspected the blade.
Feeling as though time stood still, Jubo had dreaded this moment ever since that freak healer covered his family’s sword in black gunk and managed to shatter it.
After what felt like an eternity, Lord Dekaso let out a small cough and sheathed the blade. “I see… an unfortunate event, to be sure.
“Those vile heretics, even their blood, can stain our purity now, it would seem, but as long as you killed it and are in good health, that is all that matters. Now, I’d like you to show how you’ve improved your skills.”
“Y-Yes, Father,” Jubo replied, feeling relieved as he walked closer, reaching for the sword; suddenly, just when he was about to take it, his father smacked the pommel of it across his snout, drawing blood.
Staggering back in pain, Jubo looked to his father for an explanation as to why he’d just done something like that; however, all that met him was a look of cold indifference.
Wiping his son’s blood from the golden pommel, lord Dekaso calmly stated, “That was a lie, son. Let that pain be a reminder of how easy it was for me to spot even with what the sellsword had already told me.”
‘You low-born bastard….!’ Jubo thought, his eyes wide in anger as he glared at Para, who had a calm expression.
“Your attention should be elsewhere; lord Dekaso sternly said as he roughly grabbed Jubo by his snout. “Son… I care little for what you did with your time when you were out honing your skills and proving yourself against better opponents than what some emaciated slaves can offer.
“You could have killed an outpost commander or healer, and I would not have cared; you could have bedded every low-born vixen and fathered a thousand bastards, and I would not have cared. If anything, you’d done them a service if you did. Providing some actual good blood to fight the heretics and defend the capital. However--”
Struggling in pain, Jubo opened his mouth just a little. “Father, I--”
“I did not tell you to speak! Lord Dekaso snarled as he flexed his fingers, sinking his claws into Jubo’s flesh, silencing him as he resumed where he left off. “However, what I do care about is you making a fool of yourself and besmirching the family name!
“Letting the opinions of low-born filth matter in any regard, and challenging… whatever misshapen freak of Dahi you did to combat not only in Giga’s name but blood, and then LOSING!!!”
Once more, opening his mouth and fighting through the pain, Jubo managed to squick out, “No… I--”
Mercilessly, Lord Dekaso thrusted the sword pommel into Jubo’s gut. “Count your blessings; your mother is barren! Otherwise, I would marry you off to some nobody Vixen and start over with a new litter!
Collapsing to his hands and knees, Jubo painfully slipped from his father's grasp and threw up on the floor.
“You are an embarrassment to the Dekaso name. Lord Dekaso growled with disdain as he walked toward the balcony, coughing on the way. “Sellsword, make sure my son doesn’t forget what transpired.”
“As you command, lord Dekaso,” Para said, drawing his sword, the spine facing toward Jubo.
“Have I become of so little worth to you, dearest father?! Jubo managed to say as he, on shaky legs, managed to stand up, “Choosing to have a filthy low-born sellsword who only cares about who can pay him the most to punish me. I’m sure I won’t forget that father.”
Clutching the family sword in anger, lord Dekaso turned around and slowly walked back over to his son. “The sellsword would have been far more merciful than I, son.”
***
Marching into the great hall, Kenneth’s steps audibly sounded as he walked to the back room.
Getting up for her seat, Kica greeted him. “Welcome back, Kenneth.”
Without responding, Kenenth just closed the door and placed his bag on a nearby table. Reaching inside, he pulled out a scalpel and bone saw.
“Isn’t… isn’t Aloko coming?” Kica asked.
“Don’t know, Kenneth replied, doing very little to hide how upset he was.“Not sure I even want him here anymore.”
Bewildered by Kenneth's statement, Kica asked, “Why wouldn’t you want him here? He’s always so respectful and seems interested in what you have to say.”
“Listen, I don’t want to get into it right now,” Kenneth replied as he walked over to the corpse and made the first incision just below the shoulder. The tough scales made it hard to cut the flesh in one swift motion, so instead, he weaved between them.
“Ah… how perfect, Pilu yawned, arching her back and stretching both arms above her head. “Without Aloko, there’s a lot more room to put your feet up.”
Turning to Pilu and the two others by her side, Kica, in as commanding of a tone as she was capable of, said, “Would all of you leave? I need to talk with Kenneth.”
“Huh…? Really, now you too… Pilu uttered in slight annoyance as she scratched the underside of her neck. “Sorry, healer, but the commander ordered me to keep you safe, so I’m not leaving.”
“Ooh… would you stop Pilu, Kica irritatedly replied. “Why do you always have to put up a fuss and complain when the door can’t even be locked, and you always end up leaving anyway?!”
“Healer, I leave only because the black healer has refused to teach in the past and threatened to complain to the commander that I was responsible for that happening if I did not, Pilu replied as she slid off her seat and took a few steps toward Kica. “Right now, the black healer is teaching you, so I have no reason to leave just because you think you can handle yourself.
“Honestly, I thought you would have grown a bit more aware of the dangers the heretics and… abomination pose after the battle.”
“Kenneth, would you please tell her to leave? I really think we need to talk.” Kica insisted.
“Kica, there’s no need for any of them to leave, Kenneth replied as he made a second diagonal incision below the corpse's other shoulder. “Right now, you should be focused on watching and learning, but if you want, you can make the final incision; it would be good for you to do.”
Handing her the scalpel, Kica let out a defeated and tired sigh and took it. After showing her how to properly handle it, she made her first incision.
However, it was a struggle as the blade ever so slightly alternated in height and, at times, came to a complete stop when she tried to cut through scales instead of weaving between them.
Once she managed to finish, Kenenth made sure to praise her. “Good work. If it had been skin like yours and mine, I’m sure you would have had no trouble whatsoever.”
“I-I… um… it was easier than I expected,” Kica muttered as she looked intently at the scalpel.
“It can be a bit strange cutting someone open for the first time, Kenneth said as he peeled the Nok’s flesh back, exposing its muscles, bones, and internal organs. “I remember suddenly realizing that we were all just flesh and bones being moved by signals.
“I mean, I already knew all of that, but knowing and realizing something can be an entirely different experience, sort of like it finally clicks for you.”
Curiously, Kica looked inside the dead Nok, muttering, “So this is how they look inside.”
“Awe, how cute, Pilu laughed. “The healer is seeing the inside of a heretic for the first time. With how much time you spend away from danger, it wouldn’t surprise me.”
“Ignore her. Take your time, and if you want to, you can get a bit closer, Kenneth recommended as he grabbed the bone saw. “In the meantime, I’ll remove the ribcage so we can get a proper look inside.”
As Kenneth went to work sawing through the bigger and quite sturdy bones, Kica walked around the corpse, looking at its insides from different angles. “The long big one at the bottom. It looks bigger, but I think I’ve seen it before when I’ve healed someone.”
“That one would be the intestines, both the small and big ones, Kenneth explained as he finished on the right side. “It’s responsible for breaking down food and absorbing nutrients.”
“Didn’t the stomach break down food?” Kica questioned.
“Well, yes, but the breakdown of food isn’t solely handled by just one organ, Kenneth explained as he began work on the left side. “It’s a collection of organs working together accomplishing different tasks to accomplish a shared goal, primarily staying alive.”
“What you are saying, Kica said with a slight bit of excitement in her voice. “It’s only half gibberish now instead of complete nonsense.”
“That’s wonderful to hear. Hopefully, after today’s lesson, you’ll have a lot more questions to ask,” Kenneth replied with a quick smile behind the mask as he removed the ribcage, revealing all of the Nok’s internal organs.
With all obstructions gone, Kenneth took a deep and detailed look inside the corpse, starting from the bottom and working his way up.
The small and big intestines looked about the same as any other, aside from the tubes being slightly wider.
Above them were four smaller, vaguely triangular-shaped organs, two of which were on the left side of the body, connected to what Kenenth presumed was the renal artery. The others on the right side looked to be connected to the renal vein.
Having a sneaking suspicion but not quite sure, Kenenth cut one of them open, confirming those four organs were most likely kidneys.
Working his way up the next organ, Kenneth rather easily recognized the stomach sack from the tube leading down to the small intestine. It was a lot bigger than any he’d ever seen and could definitely hold a much larger amount of food. However, it looked normal as far as stomach sacks go.
What really caught Kenenth’s eye were the two large identical organs above and below the stomach sack. Each of them had the vague shape of half triangles, and even with the stomach sack between them, it almost looked like they were one singular organ in the shape of a square.
Cutting both open and studying their internal structure, Kenneth was ninety-nine percent sure both were livers, which meant it would be twice as hard to get a Nok drunk.
Similarly to the kidneys, neither of them connected to both the renal artery and vein; each one was only connected to one.
Reaching the organs that previously had been hidden behind the ribcage were the corpse's singular lung and, to Kenneth’s slight surprise, both of its hearts, one of which was quite damaged courtesy of Pilu.
Starting off with its hearts, both were in the same position on opposite sides of its chest. They were about the size of a baseball, and inside, were four chambers like Aki’s and humans.
Lastly was the lung. Its shape looked a lot like a balloon, and from the deflated flesh sack size, it was quite clear it accommodated more than enough space for air to meet a Nok’s needs.
Inside, the lung didn’t differ too much from a human's or an Aki's. It was filled with thousands of minuscule arteries, veins, and bronchiole tubes.
Placing the scalpel on the table, Kenneth pulled out his notebook from one of his pockets and started writing down everything he’d just learned. The location of each organ, their size, function as well as theories regarding the effectiveness of medicine and drugs.
“Was this all you wanted me to see?” Kica questioned.
Pausing for a moment, Kenenth quickly finished writing a sentence and put the notebook back into his pocket for now. “Far from it. Now, I’m going to give you a reintroduction to each and every organ.”
And on he went, explaining each organ in a slow and digestible manner making sure Kica fully understood as much as she was going to.
However, just as Kenenth was in the middle of explaining how the kidneys functioned, Aloko opened the door and stepped inside. “Teacher, can we speak?”
Letting out a sigh, Kenneth didn’t even turn to face Aloko. “Still so formal and respectful after I said I wouldn’t teach you about healing and medicine anymore. Honestly, why did you even bother coming here? Was it in the hopes that I would teach you anyway, or did you come to argue?”
“Teacher, do you remember what I told you at the well after the battle with the heretics?” Aloko asked.
Pausing for a moment, Kenneth let out another sigh as he turned to Aloko and walked over to him. “I do. Kica, if you’ll excuse me for a moment, I’ll be taking a short stroll with Aloko.”
“Take all the time you need,” Kica replied as Kenneth walked out of the room with Aloko right beside him.
“Teacher, I’d like to start by--"
“Just call me by my name,” Kenenth interrupted.
Pausing for a moment, Aloko lowered his gaze slightly.“…Kenneth… I’m sorry I insulted you and your kind of healing. I suggested to the commander that Kica wouldn’t have to be involved and that I could practice what you’d taught me.
“However, that doesn’t make what I did any less of an insult to you and your way of healing.”
Coming to a complete halt, Kenenth took a deep breath. “You're right it doesn’t. ”
“I know I did a bad thing to you, but I just had a talent for making heretics talk,” Aloko replied as he stared out toward the horizon, seeming deep in thought. “I wouldn’t say I enjoyed it, but the heretics deserved to be punished for their crimes, and the information I often managed to get out of the heretic, at times proved vital for everyone’s safety.”
Letting out a tired and irritated sigh, Kenneth balled his hand into a fist and asked. “If you are about to tell me why you think torture is necessary, then save the long melodramatic speech and let me repeat myself.
“I’m never going to teach anyone what I know if it's going to be used to cause pain.”
“I… it wasn’t what I was trying to say, Aloko replied in a quiet voice as he turned to face Kenneth. “I just had a talent for it, but I never chose that path… not like with your way of healing.
“Please, isn’t there something I can do to continue being your student? What about the Hipo-crafic oath you have mentioned now and again? Could I take it as well?”
Aloko’s words, his tone of voice, all of it, was so sincere. Kenneth had never been the best judge of character, yet he’d seen so many sides of Aloko. The hopeless fool in love, the cruel torture, and the gentle M.E.D. student willing to learn and help when shit hit the fan.
“If you take the oath, you know that means you can never torture anyone anymore, right? Kenneth asked. “If you are the best, I don’t think Ulric will take this lightly.”
“No, I don’t think you’ll have to worry about the commander. I might be the best, but there are many others who can take my place, Aloko replied, his tail going from limp to a bit more lively. “Besides, even if the commander doesn’t like it, he’ll never give orders to make someone break their oath.”
Scratching the back of his head, Kenneth felt a bit optimistic and hopeful. “Well, it’s a few years earlier than I'd imagined, but if you are serious about this, raise your right hand.
Almost immediately, Aloko stretched his right arm as high above his head as he could, standing on his toes to make it just a slight bit higher. “I’m ready!”
‘Close enough, Kenneth thought. ‘Well, it’s not as if I remember the oath word for word, but I’ll just stick to the important stuff.’
“Now repeat after me, Kenneth began. “I hereby solemnly swear upon all the gods and goddesses that I will do no harm using my medical knowledge and act in the best interest of my patients using my judgment and in no way, shape, or form intentionally abuse any man, woman, or child.
“I will teach anyone who desires it and takes this oath what I know regarding medicine and healing, as well as share what I know with those in the same profession as mine.”
Without hesitation, Aloko repeated each and every word, getting it completely right on the fourth try.
“So, can I call you teacher again?” Aloko asked
Walking back inside the great hall, Kenenth gestured for Aloko to follow. “You are more than welcome to just call me Kenneth. I don’t care a lot about titles and honorifics, but the choice is yours.
“Now I think it’s about high time I teach you about the body and its internal workings.”
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If may mahirap man intindihan sa mga ilalarawan ko sa baba, pls bear with me dahil medyo bangag na ako. I'm writing this in the middle of the night hahaha. Warning: Long post ahead.
For context, 'yung ate ko nagpa-aral sa akin noong college. And I'm forever grateful to her for that. May kundisyon siyang binigay para sa pagpapa-aral niya sa akin and that is magtatrabaho ako sa kanya after ko ng college. Fast forward to when I graduated and nakapasa ng board exam, natuloy nga 'yung plano. Since bago pa lang 'yung business, nakiusap sa akin 'yung ate ko na allowance lang muna ibibigay niya sa akin initially since wala pang income 'yung business (binibigyan niya ako ng 3000 per month, libre bigas, bahay, at kuryente + 2k for my meds). Nakahiwalay ako ng apartment and I was barely surviving on canned goods and noodles at that time lol. Naging ganoon ang buhay ko for the next 3 months. Then for the following months nagkaroon na ako ng sahod - I have never made more than the minimum wage since porsyentuhan ang hatian namin. And I work 13 hours per day (used to be 14 hours pa), 6 days a week. One year din na ako lang literal ang tao nila, as in I do all the work - maglinis, gumawa ng paper works, and deal with the customers. Fortunately, after 1 year kumuha sila ng kasama ko.
Now, the problem is sobrang nade-drain na ako. Physically from the work, and emotionally and mentally sa treatment nila sa akin ng asawa niya. Madalas akong pagalitan kasi marami raw akong pagkukulang, in short hindi ako perfect magtrabaho lol. I literally have never had an 8-hour sleep ever since napunta ako rito. Wala akong social life, and I can't even afford to go to the gym na siyang prinamis ko sa sarili ko noong student palang ako na gagawin ko lahat para ma-achieve ko dream body ko once na may work na ako - kasi I grew up being bullied for my body.
I feel like I am not growing professionally here. I know once na umalis ako rito, most likely magsasara itong business since gamit dito 'yung PRC license ko. And I know for a fact na magho-hold ng grudge 'yung ate ko at asawa niya sa akin once mangyari 'yun. Pero my happiness and growth is at stake here. So, ako ba 'yung gago kung gusto ko nang umalis dito?

Iba talaga pag tinamaan ka ng burnout hahaha. Ever since I was in high school, I know to myself that I am pressured. It was as if kelangan ko patunayan ang sarili ko at ang academic achievements ko ang validation ko sa ibang tao. Hindi naman ako ganun katalinuhan pero nasanay na lang din ang pamilya ko na lagi akong may inuuwing award sakanila since elementary. Kaya di ko rin mapigilan na mapressure, knowing na ako rin yung back up plan at last card ng pamilya.
I am a consistent Dean's Lister since first year. May mga orgs din ako nasalihan. Sa mga nagdaang taon sa college, hindi ko akalain na mas na-express ko ang sarili ko. Minsan di ko rin alam kung pano ko napagsasabay-sabay lahat. Na-overcome ko ang ilan sa mga fears ko, I was really doing great not until this semester. Although, sobrang daming hardships and breakdowns din naman nung mga nakaraan but I think this one is different. Noong mga nagdaang semester, sobrang active ko sa klase. Palagi akong nagre-recitation and all pero di ko alam kung anong nangyari ngayon hahaha. Maging ang mga kaklase ko ang nagsasabi na napansin nila na bigla akong tumahimik at di ganon na active.
Mas lumala pa yun nong naka lowest ako sa isang exam sa major dahil aminado ako sa sarili ako na wala akong maayos na review kaya di ko ganon naintindihan ang concept. Ang malala pa kasi don ay ang ginawang ng prof namin ay iniba ang seating arrangement sa klase based sa score sa exam na yun, kaya pinakang dulo ako nakaupo. Naniniwala kasi ang prof na yun na everything is competition at kailangan daw mas maging mataas pa ang makuha namin kesa sa iba. Dahil don, mas nawalan ako nang gana. Aaminin ko na hindi yun matanggap ng ego ko pero wala naman ako magawa.
Recently, we conducted a demonstration and I know to myself that I did my best. Parang para sakin yun ulit ang first time na naging active ako. Sinabihan ako ng Prof ko sa subject na yun na magaling daw ako magpaliwanag. Pero ito ako ngayon, feeling ko pa rin hindi enough yung naging performances ko. Wala na kong gana sa lahat hahaha kasi sobrang pagod na ko mentally at emotionally.

Iba talaga pag tinamaan ka ng burnout hahaha. Ever since I was in high school, I know to myself that I am pressured. It was as if kelangan ko patunayan ang sarili ko at ang academic achievements ko ang validation ko sa ibang tao. Hindi naman ako ganun katalinuhan pero nasanay na lang din ang pamilya ko na lagi akong may inuuwing award sakanila since elementary. Kaya di ko rin mapigilan na mapressure, knowing na ako rin yung back up plan at last card ng pamilya.
I am a consistent Dean's Lister since first year. May mga orgs din ako nasalihan. Sa mga nagdaang taon sa college, hindi ko akalain na mas na-express ko ang sarili ko. Minsan di ko rin alam kung pano ko napagsasabay-sabay lahat. Na-overcome ko ang ilan sa mga fears ko, I was really doing great not until this semester. Although, sobrang daming hardships and breakdowns din naman nung mga nakaraan but I think this one is different. Noong mga nagdaang semester, sobrang active ko sa klase. Palagi akong nagre-recitation and all pero di ko alam kung anong nangyari ngayon hahaha. Maging ang mga kaklase ko ang nagsasabi na napansin nila na bigla akong tumahimik at di ganon na active.
Mas lumala pa yun nong naka lowest ako sa isang exam sa major dahil aminado ako sa sarili ako na wala akong maayos na review kaya di ko ganon naintindihan ang concept. Ang malala pa kasi don ay ang ginawang ng prof namin ay iniba ang seating arrangement sa klase based sa score sa exam na yun, kaya pinakang dulo ako nakaupo. Naniniwala kasi ang prof na yun na everything is competition at kailangan daw mas maging mataas pa ang makuha namin kesa sa iba. Dahil don, mas nawalan ako ng gana. Aaminin ko na hindi yun matanggap ng ego ko pero wala naman ako magawa.
Recently, we conducted a demonstration and I know to myself that I did my best. Parang para sakin yun ulit ang first time na naging active ako. Sinabihan ako ng Prof ko sa subject na yun na magaling daw ako magpaliwanag. Pero ito ako ngayon, feeling ko pa rin hindi enough yung naging performances ko. Wala na kong gana sa lahat hahaha kasi sobrang pagod na ko mentally at emotionally.

I passed my entrance exams sa PUP maragondon branch, and I plan to take BSEDEN (Bachelor of Secondary Education major in English), may mga nag aral/nag aaral ba sa PUP Marag dito na ito ang course? P'wede po makahingi ng thoughts n'yo about sa school? Or experiences para magkaron na ako ng expectations sa mga mararanasan ko?
Natatakot na kasi ako at nag overthink kasi so ask ko lang sana ito: 1. Nagtuturo po ba ang profs sa BSEDEN? 2. Paano po magbigay ng grades ang mga prof? (Kasi since day care academic achiever na ako so alam ko na may pressure sa'kin ang parents ko, although plan ko lang ienjoy ang college at basta makagraduate nalang) 3. Totoo ba na kaya kaluluwa mo ang kapalit sa PUP? Kasi weak ako mentally at emotionally 4. ICT ang course ko ngayon so pa'no po kaya ang magiging proseso ng bridging? (dahil if educ daw ay humss dapat ang kinuha kong strand)

hello! i (f) recently turned 18 two months ago. and parang ngayon na conscious na ako, i can see yung issues talaga ng mama ko.
i have been diagnosed with depression, severe anxiety, and bipolar ii disorder, along with the eating disorders, anorexia and bulimia. all from last 2022 lang.
i always knew i had a problem na simula noong elementary pa lang. but my mom was dismissive and denial noon.
a short background.
i was an unplanned pregnancy. hindi kasal ang parents ko noon and malala raw yung nareceive na treatment ng mama ko nung nalaman na buntis siya. with what she told us magkakapatid, i can say na she was slut-shamed, lalo na’t ayaw talaga panagutan ng tatay ko.
you can say na marami talaga akong nakukuhang compliments noon regarding my appearance ever since. marami nagka-“crush” and marami rin nan-“ligaw” agad. but of course, mama was always angry at me and i always understood it na protective lang siya. like what she always says. pero dati, napapagbuhatan niya ako ng kamay, sampal, sapak, and sabunot. heck, she even pointed a knife at me noon while saying na “huwag ka muna magbboyfriend! huwag kang pokpok!”. she was also controlling of who i interacted with as my friends, tinatakot niya sila noon and i grew shy as a kid. “bad influence yang mga classmate mo!”. i was 6 years old.
growing up, i grew as someone na very timid and fearful of anyone of opposite sex i see. i started getting anxious around men, including my dad. i was very uncomfortable sa lahat ng lalaki. since ganun ako pinalaki ni mama. maybe dala na rin ng “trauma” niya sa papa ko na talagang hindi naman talaga siya raw ang mahal. he only married her daw because of me who was growing in her womb.
i had my very first serious crush noong grade 3. crush na crush ko siya noon na i even wrote him handwritten letters. then i got my facebook account. we became facebook friends and we talked. pero ayun, of course my mom saw that na i confessed and shit happened. i got all of my toys, books, and even yung pc confiscated noon. “hindi ganyan ang isang matinong babae!”.
of course, i was a good girl dapat sa paningin ni mama. i wanted to please her. i was a consistent academic achiever. pero alam ko na i was also looking for the feeling of kilig. i had a number of crushes turned manliligaws before entering junior high school. lahat nireject ko, because i didn’t want to “hurt” my mom. i tore their handwritten letters and threw all of the roses they gave. pero i had this crush talaga noon, and ako yung nagmmove talaga to pursue him. and guess what, of course nalaman ng mom ko. she was angry, and i got physically, verbally, and emotionally attacked. i started to think na i was a bad daughter for her. she even talked doon sa guy na “huwag daw ako turuan ng masama”. i turned severely anxious since bawat galaw ko tinitignan ni mama. i was starting to doubt yung pagiging “protective” ni mama. i lost my friends because my mom was just “protecting” me from influence. siya na rin nagoopen ng messenger and facebook ko noon na paggising ko blocked na lahat ng classmates na friends ko with last chats from my account, typed by my mom. i started to learn to hide things from my mom.
i grew up being used sa catcalls and harassment. but i learned to hide it din from my mom. dakilang victim blamer din ang mama ko. i admit, i have a large bust and large backside. kaya mahirap talaga na hindi masexualize considering na maraming gagong manyak. i never confided sa mama ko, since kahit nakauniform ako at nabastos ako? sa akin ang sisi. “nagpapaattract ka kasi kaya ka nababastos! pokpok!”.
i entered science high school. high school, marami rin nanligaw. but lahat nireject din, kasi magagalit si mama. lahat din ng friends, kinikilala talaga ni mama. i lost my best friend kasi “maiinfluence” daw ako. never ako pinayagan gumala, until one time pumayag, pero kailangan kasama siya. so i grew as someone na hindi palalabas ng bahay—homebody and sobrang anxious sa social settings. then, as someone na natuto na magtago, i started to “rebel”. nakakasama na ako sa galaan after extracurricular activities na sinalihan ko para hindi lang makauwi agad. i even had my first “almost-boyfriend”. pandemic came, i lost my virginity. he sexually abused me. no one knew. i then started to understand yung sexuality ko. i wanted to explore.
until after pandemic, senior high school came. i was severely depressed and anxious. lagi nasa bahay, grabe anger issues ng nanay, and lack of interaction. totoo pala talaga na no man is an island.
sobrang depressed ko nun and i had to stop for a year pagkabalik ng face to face classes. sa sobrang bad ng nangyari, my school recommended na ipatreat muna ako sa psych. my mom was hesitant kasi “nakakahiya” na may “baliw” siyang anak. but we pushed and nalaman lahat ng nadiagnose. i was so unwell. gusto kong patayin sarili ko, dahil nakakasakal. i thought na yung academic pressure yung nakakasakal pero yung nanay ko mismo pala. people even said na kaya raw ganito kasi “kinukulong” sa bahay.
until kinaya ko na ulit mag-aral. however, i also turned to explore my social network again. i met my so online. we were good and nakapagdates na rin kami noon. my mom never knew. until noong i had chances na to interact sa labas which i assumed freedom. i admit, i was very adventurous and may boundaries na “naoverstep” (as per my mom’s standards). she then knew about us. i was sexually active (but doing it safely, i’m on birth control and using condoms). hinding hindi ko makakalimutan how she went ballistic na wala na raw “tatanggap” sa akin kasi “marumi” na akong babae. it was absolute hell. i was a slut sa paningin ng nanay ko. lahat na, “pokpok”, “gaga”, “pariwara”, at “puta”. everyday ko narinig yan. wala raw kwenta na “matalino” ako kung isa naman akong puta. everyday, sinasapak ako, sinasampal, and even kinakaladkad while sinasabunutan. after nun, my so and i then had to stop our relationship since grabe yung pagiging “paranoid” ng mama ko at siya raw mismo papatay sa akin pag tinuloy ko pa rin yung relationship namin. bantay-sarado ako ngayon. hindi pwede lumabas unless school and gadgets ko chinecheck pa rin. grabe yung paranoia niya na nakakahawa, i feel like i’m back sa shithole na pinagmulan ko before treatment. sobrang paranoid niya na magpapaano na lang daw ako sa mga kung sino-sinong lalaki.
parang nawalan ako ng value kay mama dahil hindi na ako yung “good girl” niya na pure, untouched, at masunurin.
i just want to leave this house. hindi ko alam kung abusive ba talaga si mama or deserve ko lang talaga.
please help me dahil hindi ko na kaya yung torment na nakukuha ko.
edit: my lola (mama’s mother) was also diagnosed with depression. and may link kaya yun sa pagiging genetic ng depression kaya ganito rin siya? she refuses to get psych testing or check up.

I have been doing great sa work. Wala naeencouter na problems so far. I started working out din para may bago sa daily routine ko. Emotionally, medyo okay okay na. Family ko, okay naman sila.
Why do I feel na may masamang mangyayari? Parang may nakalimutan ako na hindi ko pa nagagawa. Hahahaha nakakatakot din minsan maging 'okay' eh. Maybe I'm just being dramatic idk.

heads up: medyo mababaw na rant, ha.
nakakalungkot lang.
my boyfriend and i (mlm) have been having frequent misunderstandings lately. i dont know if it's because were nearing the 1 year mark (some say it's bc of this)? but i hope this period of chaos stops na. for context, he's the type kasi who doesn't like to not be replied at tuwing naguusap nang masinsinan. para kasing naddrown siya sa thoughts niya without my input, so he tends to get emotional habang tumatagal yung period of silence ko. angry, actually. meanwhile, here i am, sitting in my thoughts quietly during these arguments. figuring out how to voice what i feel without adding fuel to the fire. by having to think what to say asap before he bursts out more while i'm already affected by his cursing and visible anger.
'di naman talaga malalim yung pinagaawayan namin, talagang nagssnowball lang siya to something bigger kasi i cant communicate my thoughts and it worsens kasi i feel like i'm talking to a ticking bomb. i know na nagkukulang din naman ako with his needs which is me being vocal but i just wish he was more patient and more careful with his words and tone. i opened up pa naman dati na cursing is a big NO for me, it speaks a lot on how you view someone.
i want to be talked to gently. 'yung hindi magpapauna sa emosyon at hihintayin kang mag-open up.
after all, im his partner naman, not an enemy, 'di ba? :(

I’m super tired na. I feel empty. Super pagod na akong maiwan. Super pagod nako maging mabait and mag emphatize sa ibang tao, even though sometimes I’m trying not to be affected pero I really can’t. I’m tired na maging physically and emotionally na naandyan para sa ibang tao, but hindi ko naman sila ma feel kapag ako naman ang nangangailan. Am I a super bad person to experience all this sh8t?

Einver Cruz is the new assistant of Dra. September Sobejana, a professional Psychologist in McNamara Hospital. Kakaiba para sa kaniya ang unang pagkikita nilang dalawa pero mukhang wala lang iyon sa dalaga. She acted like he was just an ordinary man that can't make her take a second look.. but as for him, he also don't care. Until suddenly.. welcomes them like a crazy psychopath. I'm a Psychologist.. but I don't want to understand that emotions in the eyes of yours Read more

I’m super tired na. I feel empty. Super pagod na akong maiwan. Super pagod nako maging mabait and mag emphatize sa ibang tao, even though sometimes I’m trying not to be affected pero I really can’t. I’m tired na maging physically and emotionally na naandyan para sa ibang tao, but hindi ko naman sila ma feel kapag ako naman ang nangangailan. Am I a super bad person to experience all this sh8t?