Hello, I am venting a little bit, i am myslef aware this is a very small issue (or non issue). My parents just let me know they are going on a trip to Spain and i am but hurt they didn't invite me with them. As I am writing this i realise this is stupid so i guess writing it down works great to feel better.
My parents travel a lot,minimum 4 times a year outside the country (we are in E.Europe) and they always complain that I don't join them. This is true because most times they travel last minute and often they'll ask after they already bought the trips for themselves or one day before they board the plane and I doubt there even are any more spots available:)). Last week my dad asked me if i wanted to come with them to Egypt to an all inclusive resort and i said i couldn't, i have some issues with my body,i lost 60 kg and being in a bathing suit around all their friends makes me and my loose skin feel bad. They know about this which is why i always bring up traveling to non beach related places. If it were just me and my parents i don;t mind the beach but their friend group is pretty big and i don;t know them.
Now comes Spain. I have never been to Spain before and it's on my wishlist for a very long time. I was shocked when they told me they were going there in 2 days(so in May not June). When I was a kid they skipped my highschool graduation and my prom to go to Spain and I am stil upset they chose the trip over me (it's been 10 years but it still hurts and i even talked about it to them a few years back). What made me sad is that I had invited them to a picnic at the botanical garden (it's rose season) and they said yes and now they are going to spain. they didn't even mention the picnic, i was on the phone with my mom asking her if she wanted to join me at a different event and she said she's going to spain. so if i hadn't called they may have just let me prep the food and everything and then not show up? i am confused by their logic,I even sent out an invite by post (i got into caligraphy and was seals,it's a thing) so it s not like she had forgotten. I live about 1.3 hours away so i always try to figure out activities in my city that they can enjoy, the picnic was their idea.
I think if it were any other country i probably wouldn't mind but I felt horrible not having anyone at my hs graduation and prom because my mom and dad were in Barcelona having fun,if they had said we're off to Turkey to lounge on the beach it would have been fine. I think i m just but hurt it's Spain:))
Obviously my parents can go on holiday without me,i am an adult not a child, they have no obligation to take me with them anywhere or to invite me to trips etc. I do wish they would stop complaining that I never go anywhere with them since these trips always involve their friends and are almost always last minute or my favorite is when they've already booked it and they are asking without even checking availabilities. But they plan these trips with their friends, with me it's like: hey, do you want to go to x location? we are leaving in 2 days and there might not be another spot available unless you make up your mind in the next 5 minutes. Now that i write this i realize my parents never ever asked me where i would want to go or planned anything with me,it's almost like they want me to say no. They have a different life,they run their own businesses so they can take time off last minute more easily. I work from home and i could take time off but it affects the money i make since i am a freelancer,plus some projects have deadlines etc.
To psychoanalize this some more:)) i am an only child to parents who were always absent when i was growing up,i am the kid who never asked for homework help,who managed her schedule (school,food,cleaning,learning wtc) since 1st grade and never could ask them for help because they were never there. I do wander if anyone knows how to move on from this? But i guess i am but hurt when they ignore me or cancel plans on me because of the way i grew up and not because going to Spain by themselves is an isssue. This post is all over the place, i would apreciate some thoughts on how to be less but hurt in the future:) thank you for reading, i hope you guys have a great summer!

First/Previous
Gemma was right about the sky’s open night, and I could sympathize with her recollection of the beauty, but for me it must’ve been a greater tragedy—the young woman had only ever enjoyed the stars in the pits of Golgotha; I could, long before, drink in the sky at leisure. Cruel memories.
The night the Rednecks died was one of viscera, but before that it was coolness on the breeze, a warmth by the fires while John played his guitar and we had only just taken two dozen kegs of lager (personal reserves) from the Atlanta despot—the man that kept his subjects as slaves and not a person among the camp was left without budding intoxication. No matter the age, everyone was invited to be merry; if it was that children too faced the plight of a bad world, then so too should they reap the moments of plenty—or so the camp figured.
John had taken a group by the fires where wagons were drawn in interlocking semicircles for cover and Jackson sat beside the picker. Jackson was a man which normally preferred quiet reflection over boisterous singing and nearly never wore the band on his throat, and yet there he was belting out the chorus at the top of his lungs, tankard in hand, red cloth blazed around his neck—it was a contagion and those drunk enough for easier embarrassment sang proudly along:
“There is power, there is power in a band of working folk!
When we stand hand in hand,
That’s a power, that’s the power,
That must rule in every land!”
I’d taken to the outlying shadows with my back pressed against the gas-powered caleche, my own tankard in hand. I loved the warmth of that great big family, truly, but even in those days—and maybe it was that queer youthfulness which longed for individualism that made me that way then—I remained as distanced as possible when I could. I sipped the lager, it was a fine drink and my brother Billy, nearly as old as I was when I’d first taken up in the infantry, swaggered to stand beside me just as quiet for minutes and we looked at the stars and he asked me what it was like to kill a man.
“Is it hard?” he asked.
I nodded, “Sometimes.”
“Killing monsters ain’t so bad. Don’t know if I could do it to a person.”
“You could if they meant to kill you; or if they meant to do it to someone you cared about,” I promised him. In those days, spry, energized, I held no time for staring into abysses; though I still wasn’t a man fully, I pretended as one. It was about family, and it was about doing what was right—what’s right seemed to change, or I changed. The world felt stark with good and evil and even later I’d feel that sentiment well up in me, but if that’s true, I know I stand more on the latter and so I intentionally obfuscated it—this I know. If not, it might be too much to bear. I was required to lie to myself and even in knowing I lied, it was better.
Billy tugged on the red kerchief around his throat and asked me how it looked on him.
“Looks good,” I said.
“Don’t think I look stupid at all?”
I smiled over my drink, “You always look stupid.” I sipped. “The neckwear’s fine.”
“Give me a break,” said Billy; he investigated his own cup, gave it a swish with his wrist, watching its contents swirl. “Aren’t you ever afraid you’ll die?”
“Sometimes—nights like this—I wouldn’t mind it.”
“Really?” my brother asked.
“There’s always a chance of it. Every moment, I guess.”
He smiled. “I wish I had that confidence.”
“You’ll get it,” I returned his smile; it was true that he would gain the fighting spirit. It came to us all with time and reminiscing on the early days, I recall the grit and the hatred—there was learning there too though. Besides, I’d seen the squalors of a stationary man. The stagnation of a place, an unmoving home.
John put his guitar away and laughter erupted from the crowd from something said and Sibylle, cowboy hat cocked funny, traipsed across the camp to the open keg for a refill; the man there, tending the cylinders, was a man named Tandy (a foreigner and one unknown besides the way he smoked a skunk pipe and told wild stories). My mother leaned over while Tandy opened the spigot mouth on the keg, and she froze there, and I could see her there cut out forever against the light of the fires; I watched, and it came so suddenly that I couldn’t be sure what’d happened at all. It was so sudden that I couldn’t find my weapon and I couldn’t find even the courage to fight because in those moments it wasn’t courage I needed, it was grounds to understand.
Sibylle came apart in two pieces immediately, torn completely through and dust erupted as her legs struck the ground while her torso spun through the air like a top, a trail of liquid trailed after, caught in the blue of night so it shone as black; she couldn’t scream. Tandy was a statue. Before anyone could react, more flesh, other bodies, went up and there was all manner of limbs which filled the ground, and it is astounding how quickly a red mist forms across the ground during a massacre. Perhaps the wails of my comrades started before, perhaps others fell before Sibylle, but I could not comprehend the goings-on till I saw her drop the way she did.
Frail human screams rose on the night; I slammed to the ground, tankard gone away and hands scrambling in the dirt; I reached up blindly and yanked Billy to my level and his expression was one of innocence, panic, tears even. Glancing around, I saw the demons bolt from the pitch-black darkness on the edges of camp, mutants taking the fore while greater creatures lurked further back, some hurled whips of gliding metal which writhed over their heads when they stretched them out for a strike—alien—and they sliced directly through soft human bodies. Not even a cry escaped me, but Billy let go with it and I slapped my cupped hand over his mouth hard to hold the screams. His voice would not have been alone anyway, not alongside that startling cacophony. Amidst the cries of people, there were the cries of horses, of our hounds.
We rolled across the ground, slipped beneath the raised body of the gas-powered caleche, remained quiet in the dark, peeked out between the wheels.
“What’s happening?” Billy whispered through my fingers; I removed my hand from him and caught a glimpse of him framed in a square of firelight through the wheels—we lay there on our bellies and the left side of his face was glazed with dirt where I’d pulled him down.
“Shh,” I told him, “Shh, please. Please.” Not another word came while I pleaded with him, pleaded with the world to make this all a nightmare.
Through the haze and the running silhouettes painted black, I saw what might have been Jackson; he stumbled and in the moment that it took me to gasp, his head was gone from his body, his torso slid on as he collapsed, came to rest mere feet from the motor wagon. I told myself that it wasn’t him, but it probably was.
Some mutants lumbered through the camp like animated corpses, some leapt with wild energy or sprayed noxious fumes which lingered in the air; others still were amalgams of humanlike limbs themselves—fiends—exhausting terrible sounds, producing smells of sulfur, glistening with whatever liquids excreted from their oblong alien orifices. Demons ran amok, chanted in devil tongued languages, laughed madly at the destruction—others still, those which displayed some greater intelligence, broke into a song I could never hope or want to replicate; it seemed a unified damnation.
“Please,” I repeated in a whimper and Billy hushed me this time and I realized we were holding hands, squeezing for dear life as figures walked the camp, speared those half-alive, elected others for twisted carnality.
In darkness, in fright plainly, we scuttled from the recess of our hiding place, kept quiet, held to each other, and went into the wasteland where nothing was—every shadow was a potential threat, every second could’ve been the last. We were holding hands; then we weren’t.
Only a glance—that’s all I afforded my brother and nothing more—what a joke of a person I am! What a coward I was. Always.
Something got him in the dark and instead of dying alongside those I cared about, I went on, heartbeat driving me till it was all that I heard in my ears and my muscles ached and my chest heaved and sweat covered me, chilled me in the breeze of the night—it was only once I’d accepted the dark completely, crawled into a hollowed space of rocks along a squat ridge that I watched the demolished camp; it seemed no larger than a spark, but the creatures, fiends and others continued their war cries; never before had I witnessed demons participate in such an attack.
I watched till the sun came, till the fires became smoke, then I watched the band of hell creatures disband. The smell of sulfur remained in the air—copper too—and I stumbled back to the camp in a dreamlike daze, totally unbelieving of the things I saw. Among those dead on the ground, I could recognize none; among those piked from rear to shoulder, standing like morbid scarecrows where they’d been steadied against the ground, I could not want to recognize.
Many of the wagons were overturned, including the gas-powered caleche and I went to it; the metal of its body was warped but I fell to the ground by it and pushed my back against the exposed undercarriage, remained frozen there while examining the bodies, the terrible strips of skin which rested places like wet sheets of paper, the piles of bones removed and smashed and piled.
I cried so deeply that oxygen became a memory, and the shakes couldn’t be contained.
It was like that for so long, knees pulled up, face pushed between, and the wails came unafraid of whatever attention they might garner; there was no rationale, but I imagine if there had been, I would’ve welcomed death in that misery. It was a deep wound that not even my own cowardice would overcome for the sake of survival.
Unaware of my surroundings, not wanting to look up from the ground between my legs, the noise which had started out as imaginary became real and I raised my head then to listen better and wipe my sore eyes; it was the sound of clip-clop horse hooves and I mildly wondered if any of the animals had been spared. I stood and pivoted around the dead camp and there it was, a man on a painted horse with golden hair; he leisurely drove the mount through the place, maneuvering around pools of blood, clumps of body parts and upon seeing me, he smiled and offered a languid wave, keeping one of his gloved hands on the reins.
The man wore white and swished his hair back upon arriving directly in front of me. Ahoy, he offered kindly, Did you happen to see the other riders?
I shook my head, feeling numb.
Ah, he said, I could have sworn four other riders, at least, passed me on my way. His gray eyes examined the carnage. Shame. He shook his head. You are?
“H-harlan.”
He nodded and nearly offered an expression of genuine condolence before descending from the horse; the animal gave a gentle grunt and wandered away from its master to inspect a nearby group of the dead. The man offered his hand, and I took it in a shake. Mephisto, said the man. He flashed a smile again before his face grew serious. I’ve come to you to deal.
I shot him a questioning look, one of bafflement.
I heard your calls from far off. He nodded, removed a white handkerchief from his breast pocket and swiped it down his face. Hot out. He shrugged then replaced the cloth in his pocket. This, he motioned to the disarray of vehicles, of bodies, I can’t fix all this—it’s too much—but there’s a person you love, I know. I could bring them back.
“Doctor?” In retrospect it was such a naïve question.
He shook his head.
“Angel?”
He grinned and nodded, Sure.
“Demon?”
Undoubtedly. His eyes—pits of gray in that radiant face—nearly expressed solemness; he daintily shook the hair from his face and looked at his steed which sniffed a corpse. What’s the word, Harlan? There are others calling and I must be on my way soon—I can’t dally. There was a sharpness to the words. Can’t dally. We must convene soon, or I’ll mosey on.
I snorted back the clog in my nose from the tears and wiped my eyes with my sleeves. “Okay.”
Deal?
I nodded, “Deal.”
Sleep tonight, said Mephisto, Sleep and you’ll be rewarded in the morning.
“You said it’s a deal.”
He nodded and scanned the carnage before we matched gazes and then he said, Yes?
“What is it you want from me?”
Nothing you need now. He called the horse, and it came, and he swept his feet quickly from the ground and settled into position atop the animal. Sleep, Harlan. You won’t be bothered. There are worse things still over the horizon.
I watched him go till he disappeared and once he was gone, I couldn’t cry anymore and instead rummaged through the wagons for what I might carry; along the way I found John, face twisted but corpse intact. The body from the previous night that I’d guessed was Jackson couldn’t be determined but I found him nowhere else. I slid Sibylle’s holster from her hips, fell hard onto the ground and found that I could sob more. I took her cowboy hat, placed it on my head and held her pistol in one hand and the belt holster dangled from the other while I searched the other bodies; there were so many, but I could not find Billy.
Waiting for darkness, I took the spot where I rested, back against the caleche’s undercarriage, watched the sky and felt the gun in my hand; it was heavy. I put it to my head, closed my eyes, and whispered affirmations to myself then I put the pistol between my splayed legs, watched it still in the dirt, and pulled the hat down over my eyes but it did little for the smell. Though the brim of the hat cut the sky out, I watched the ground and saw circling shadows form overhead and heard calls of turkey vultures; they came to pick over the bodies. I withdrew my knees to my chest there again and laid my forearm across them and bit into my arm while closing my eyes. I had thought I was a man and for a time, maybe I was, but there in that miserable pit of despair I became a child again and if I’d become more delirious, I’m sure I might’ve called out for Jackson like it was a bad dream.
Into a fading stupor of sleep in the sun I went and when I awoke again it was dark and chilly and I was tired and hungry but too sick to eat and hardly strong enough to move; I looked at the gun and put it into its holster and left it there by the caleche. In the light of the moon and stars, I moved to gather a bolt of canvas; I unfurled the fabric and created a leaning shelter against the overturned vehicle and crawled into it. There was a hole in the canvas, and I peeked out at the stars.
Weeping came again, but not so uproarious; I was stuck there letting go of whimpers, lying on my back, feeling the tears trace in lines from the outer corners of my eyes to collect along my earlobes. In time, I fell to sleep again on the hard ground because the mourning had taken all else from me.
A pinpoint of sunlight broke my eyelids and I jerked awake and reached for the holster, but it was gone. So was the hat. I crawled from the leaning shelter and there he was.
Billy stood plainly among the dried, congealed blood-soaked field and he looked on to the horizon and all shadows were long in the midday sun which hung up there in a soft blue sky. Whether it be a dream or a spell, I couldn’t care—I charged to him and spun him so he faced me and though his face was plain and expressionless, I wrapped him into a forceful hug. He placed his hands on my back and gave a gentle squeeze; when I pulled from him, my hands on his shoulders, I saw he held Sibylle’s hat in his left hand, pinched by the brim; he’d already tugged her holster belt around his hips—he could have it all. I shook while holding him then let go to wipe my face.
“You’re alive,” I nodded.
He nodded without speaking then looked at the hat in his hand and placed it on his head and firmly pressed it down.
“Billy! Hell, you’re alive!”
The corners of his mouth twitched upward for a moment then he nodded again. “Yeah.” His eyes curiously searched our surroundings like he meant to take each detail in forever.
I slapped him on the shoulder and almost squealed. “Goddammit.” I wiped my eyes again and could do little to keep the excitement from exploding from me. “Oh, we should go. We should go on and get somewhere safe.”
He nodded toward the horizon, “’Lanta?”
“Sure.”
We packed and it was a like an ethereal phantom remained among us beside the quiet dead; turkey vultures cawed to break the silence, pecked where they pleased on the bodies, and I couldn’t want to fight them. I kept sidelong eyes on Billy with the ever-present worry that he’d vanish. Perhaps he was the phantom.
From the rear of the caleche, I removed a few sentimental books Jackson liked, essential cookware, and sparse rations for the trek. The last thing I grabbed was my shotgun and a bit of ammo.
As we set from the dead place, the terrible silhouettes that were cut from there on the horizon behind us grew in my mind with every backward glance—I wanted to fall to pieces, but I saw Billy walk alongside me and although contented is not the right word, it is the nearest. The steps of our boots were all that was heard because I could not fathom to pierce the space between us with words for fear that it would all end. It was a dream, surely. I’d lost my mind. With my hands thumbed into the straps of my pack, I saw I my hands still shook, and they would shake a lot longer—years and with memories too. The crunch of earth underfoot became a rhythm and instead of looking at my brother, I watched his shadow on the ground.
“Everyone’s dead?” He asked.
“Yeah.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yeah,” I repeated.
“How ain’t I? How ain’t you?”
To say that it was luck would’ve been too morbid. Instead of saying anything, I shrugged, kicked a loose stone, watched my feet some more, and felt a queasiness come over me. For the moment, the immeasurable deaths of those I’d left behind were forgotten in the company of my brother and a sickness welled up inside of me so suddenly that I felt that I’d fall to pieces at the slightest provocation. Finally, I did speak again, but only after steeling myself to the troubles, “Yeah, how are you alive?”
Billy shrugged at me then stumbled up a hill which overlooked trash wood wilderness where sticks lay twisted and bare and further on the sight of Atlanta was visible and I cupped a hand across my brow and Billy did the same and we looked on at the shadows of the place out there where strings of smoke rose from the skyline as a signature for the desolation of the city; it was dead. I felt it in my bones.
My hands were light while my head was heavy, my throat was dry, and the entire world seized in moments of stillness or perhaps it was my own vision which construed the world in that way; I took to the small hill which Billy had climbed and sat there and stared at the place between my feet to steady myself.
“Fire,” said Billy.
I nodded and nearly choked.
Leviathan—till then I had no belief in dragons—glided over the broken city, its winged shadow little seen but its voice was deep across the scene, letting go of roars which shook the ground. We hid among the trash wood and moved down the hill and watched the creature thrash in the air as if it was angry for its abominable life. Whatever millennia it spent in the pits of hell seemingly thrust upon it a love of destruction and pain.
My brother moved with a more assured stride and kept a cool distance and upon fleeing from the wreckage, from the outlying area of Atlanta and the place we’d left our family, he spoke little and watched me strangely whenever I took to melancholic fatiguing. We lit no fires for fear of what it could draw from the night so in the dark I’d see him watching some far-off place, maybe seeing through the reality which surrounded us, and he’d snap from it, catch my eye, and disappear for minutes to scan the perimeter of whatever place we stayed. Being alongside my resurrected brother was lonelier than I could bear, and I hoped he’d disappear for good or that I could work up the courage to end my own life. It was like purgatory explained in books and for a time, it felt endless; upon witnessing the destruction of Atlanta, we pushed to Marrietta, and it was much the same. As was Chatanooga, Nashville, Knoxville, Louisville, Charlotte. The ocean had risen so that Fayetville was gone underwater, and the Florida leg disappeared completely as far as I’m aware. I understood later that Memphis was overlooked and more places further west were alive too, but when we’d exhausted the south, we moved north and found strongholds of families or traders or even small groupings of civilization, but by and large we found nothing much in the two years that we hoofed it from place to place; it was my doing mostly—I wanted to find a place untouched by the mayhem in the area my family had once patrolled.
In retrospect, I am certain that Billy only stayed by my side for convenience; there wasn’t any of my brother left in the man that was my travelling companion for that time. He was a ghost of a person and Mephisto had preyed upon my desire in the worst moment of weakness in my life. There were nights—maybe we’d taken up in a natural alcove for shelter or we’d locked ourselves in some ancient structure for sleep—I’d watch Billy lay where he was, Sibylle’s hat and holster lying beside him, and I’d think of putting him down but he’d stir and in a brief shadow I’d see my brother as he’d been and withdraw to bury my face in fake sleep to be met with images of the night the demons attacked where I’d shake, sweat, and bite my lips so hard I’d drink blood.
Two years we marched around the Appalachians and in that time, I felt myself wither and disconnect.
Upon moving further north we met Indianapolis—that’s what it was called back then—and it was run by an older woman called Lady Lazarus; I reckon her father, affluent and dead, was a fan of Plath. Indianapolis was fortified more than most with its high walls, and its wall men, and its underground facilities which produced substantial ammunition. We—me and Billy’s revenant—were travelling with a group of traders we’d taken up with from out west; they called themselves wizards and although they seemed of the occult, their spirits discounted whatever suspicions I might’ve had of them.
I remember first pushing through that big gate; the town kept with it an indisputable malaise and though we were greeted at the gate by the leader Lady Lazarus—her brothers came along with her—and her jovial demeanor carried a certain infectious quality, I could not help but notice that the regular denizens maintained a healthy distance from their leader (the guards which followed the Lady everywhere probably had something to do with this).
Lady Lazarus touched each of our hands in greeting with enthusiasm and I could not help but notice how soft they were, how vibrant her eyes were, how much she smiled, and how beautiful she was given her age; already her head was fully gray.
Upon meeting each of us, going through the wizard traders first, she came to me, and Billy and she shook my hand then pivoted to Billy.
“Welcome. You can call me Lady.”
Billy caught her hand in his, held it longer than she’d intended so that they held eye contact, and he smiled broadly, tipped the cowboy hat on his head back to expose his smooth forehead and said, “And you can call me Maron, mam. You are quite a sight for a tired man.”
Though Maron—as he’d named himself—was more boy than man, Lady took a disturbed liking to him immediately and we prolonged our stay in Indianapolis after the wizards departed to head west.
Under the rule of Lady, Indianapolis was a theocracy, with her addressing the huddled masses at the steps of her grand abode, she’d preach for hours on sin and strife and quote her favorite passages; though reminiscent of my time with the Rednecks, I never found any truth or sincerity or freedom in her teaching—hers was more trouble, brimstone, fire and I’d had enough of that for a lifetime. Public execution was common. As was torture.
Maron distanced himself further from me, but I remained to keep an eye on him—it was not sentimentality but rather I existed without purpose and conjured some from watching my brother.
Often, Lady invited Maron to her private rooms and though the rumors and speculation ran the full spectrum of perverse speculation, every denizen feigned ignorance at her pregnancy.
Upon giving birth, the infant was malformed with two heads—her brothers took this as an omen and killed the child, put their leader in the stocks for months, and stripped her of dignity while the denizens did to her what they pleased.
Maron rose through the wall men while Lady’s brothers assumed control of Indianapolis and called themselves Bosses; in the time since Lady’s reign, the place was renamed to Golgotha for its closeness to a messiah.
I went west but always found myself drawn back to Golgotha because of some emptiness in me. It was only with Suzanne that I wanted something more and knowing them, I almost believed in a world like the one that children dream about. The world that Gemma and Andrew chased after when they left home, like the one Aggie talked about in her mother’s books. There’s a hopelessness in me that I’ll never be rid of. In the interim between our initial arrival to Golgotha and that flight from that terrible city, I cannot know how many people I sacrificed in convening with demons because I refuse to know because the number would destroy me. That is the worst of it; I do not even have courage enough to face myself or the actions of my past in any substantive way.
Mephisto tainted me so that I could speak with his kind as a dealmaker and the disease grew.
Billy or Maron or whatever he is should have been reaped long ago or better, I should never have brought that abomination alive. Such a cruel world where a deep longing like that can be inverted, weaponized. Me and him should both die; me and him should have died a long time ago.
First/Previous
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You know, I wish I could be strong like other people. That I could face you being gone and find some iota of strength or piece of hope or some small positive thing. It's been six months since you left us because the pain was too much to carry any anymore, and you had to put it down. You'd think with time and counseling, this might get a little less heavy. Most days, it is. This week? Nope. Because this week it's all BULLSHIT and all I can be is angry. It's like I took a big drink of sheer rage. I can't spit it out or scream it loose. I'm angry at every little thing. I didn't call you the night before. I'm angry that I didn't have a sweet goddamn clue how to help you. I'm fucking PISSED that the goddamn people that knew you needed help let you walk out the hospital door. I'm angry because Dad doesnt know how to deal with any of this. Mostly though, I'm furious because I miss you in every way possible and I don't know what to do with it. We cleaned up your room this weekend - that space that was so organized, so unquestionably...you...and now it's boxes for donations and empty space and hangars without clothes. It's wrong in every respect and I'm angry because I can't do fuck all about it except tape the boxes shut and make myself carry them. Some days I think I might be able to get through this without you, but this week? Fuck it hurts so much...

My step dad who used to be in the military has absolutely no fucking idea how hard it is to have the mental disabilitys that I have which include ADHD, ADD, constant anxiety, depression, and me being on the autism spectrum. He doesn’t fucking care about how I’m feeling. Being 18 fucking sucks and my step dad isn’t helping with shit. He always tries to push and all that does is just make me want to stay in my comfort zone even more. One of the most annoying quotes I hear from him are “your future boss won’t put up with your bullshit”…. THAT DOESN’T FUCKING HELP. And no I can’t confront him cause one, he’s fucking intimidating as fuck and I always feeling like he’s gonna pummel me and 2 I know for a fact that if I do fight with him then there is no way in hell that I’m gonna win

Hi I'm Ahri.
We've known AST was going to get a rework in 7.0 for 2 years, right? Wrong. We've known it since it was first revealed back in June 2013.
Okay lighthearted joke about how the job gets reworked every expansion out of the way, this is the first time the changes have seemed..enigmatic. Since 4.0's adjustments I have had a good bead on the direction the devs were going with AST, what philosophy they are employing, and what the intentions are. It has been a fun job overall to me for the last 7 years! Frequently controversial, but usually understandable, the job design has been pretty consistent at core levels every couple years. While the micro mechanics of the job constantly change - which, understandably, leaves some people miffed and displeased - the core essence of the job has been stable, and that is what has kept it fun and engaging to a majority of its raiding population:
The upcoming changes, honestly, do not make a lot of sense right now.
EDIT: And to be clear at this point to those that only make it this far but don't read the rest, I am not particularly doomed or upset unlike some of my peers. I'm mostly just confused. I think this rework could end up being pretty good when all's said and done. It could also end up being pretty bad. Both opinions can exist.
AST is a job which has always forced one to receive unknown variables, and had to react to the situation to make the most out of them as possible. However there is another aspect to the job: investing resources early, to get higher value out of them later. It is a very satisfying job to execute when your decisions are efficient, and intelligent. I feel this latter idea is where they are trying to shift cards - which currently represent the former - towards. Unfortunately, there is a chance that this may fall flat in execution and reduce AST away from the type of job people enjoy for those who currently play it, versus the type of job people who do not play AST want it to be. It is okay to try and appease the latter to bring more people into a way to play the game, and very understandable why someone who feels a job is inaccessible would want things to change so they can. However, we do not live in a zero sum game of healing options here. I warn against the dangers of alienating people in lieu of trying to overstuff accessibility.
Perhaps a rare opinion from my side here, I am not actually all too upset about the removal of RNG. I do not feel that randomness is somehow intrinsically necessary to the job. It makes it fun, yes, since they have done a good job using randomness to offer skill expression without having a significant impact on your own performance. You can high roll and low roll, of course, but negative outcomes are extraordinarily rare and we got to the point in EW where even a low rolling AST still performs at a very good level. It adds some exhilaration and interest to the job--how no 2 pulls will be necessarily alike.
However, I have great concerns about the manner in which they have decided to take this 0 RNG trial route. Making our 4-pack Sleeve Draw possibly* give us 1 DPS card per usage, has some grievous consequences on gameplay. It means there will be a frequent occasion our rotation ends up consistently trashing half our cards, which will end up feeling extraordinarily awful knowing that half our deck is going to do nothing. On the flipside, during prog season those mitigative and curative cards are going to feel oppressively strong. Some people have grievances about feeling forced to play AST despite them not liking its current state because of its performance capabilities in the best hands (which is not actually a problem nor the current state of healer balance, but that's another topic); this has potential to be exacerbated even further when AST can have this much defensive utility in one button. It could be fun and interesting depending on execution, but there's a very real chance it will feel rather boring and uninspired. The chance we will not really be..reacting, to a situation, per se, but moreso we will know every rotation we will utilize x card for y purpose, and the cards will feel like Just Another Button, I Guess.
(* - based on wording we do not technically know if each 4-card pack is 1 Damage/1 Mitigative/1 Curative + Lady/Lord. It is the most reasonable interpretation, makes the most occam's razer-style sense, and I am 95%+ sure this is the case...however we do not, actually, technically know this is the case. Their wording was somehow just vague enough to give me pause here. I do not think Yoshi was being coy on purpose, but nonetheless...)
This will feel quite strange.
This is all speculation. We do not know tooltips, and do not know what is to come. I am not particularly doomer about the upcoming situation, since I can already envision ways the current 60s Sleeve rotation could end up being pretty fun overall to execute. I am open-minded and welcome the opportunity ahead. However, the direction they have chosen does not make much sense, does not currently line up with the way the job has always played since its inception, and has potential to be a real albatross for Square.
Of course this could all be for naught and maybe the job ends up a banger once we see tooltips. I can definitely be missing something since I have not been involved in the rework process because my dad does not, actually, own Square Enix. Even if things look grim, there is opportunity for things to become fun even within the restrictions we already know of. I caution against excessive concern, but also implore a skeptical eye. I will keep an eye on things and may make another post once we see tooltips.
I will leave off with a good quote I saw earlier today as a sufficient-enough tl;dr:
"I can't say for certain whether new Astro is fun or not; I can say for certain they've removed things I find interesting about Astro."
Also that Galaxy From Beyond looks hecking AMAZING I can't wait for it to provide 40% mitigation and we get one step closer to AoE Hallowed Ground AST celebrating 4 expansions in a row with the best capstone baybeeeeee suck on them apples

From where I joined

•Kids are resilient. They miss their dad tho
•DSS helped how to properly explain to her kids in an age appropriate way why they can’t see or speak to their father so “they’re not confused”
•getting nervous about “her Reddit people” being in the chat. Because they’ll screenshot and recap and everything

Well you should be because here we are, bitch :)

•Gets really upset about having to watch what she says and does because the Reddit haters are watching

What are you so mad/nervous about, Joni? You mean you’d be even worse/more negligent/exploitative if you knew we weren’t archiving it?

•some people in her and Ryan’s close circle are very frustrated about Joni’s TikToks
•Joni explains that she is so chronically online that to her “taking a break” means maybe one to two videos a day or one live a day because she wants to stay in the algorithm at all costs.
•Joni asks the chat if they ever get a loose piece of skin on the side of their fingernail

It’s called a cuticle, moron. This woman is a paramedic and she thinks cuticles are an original experience. Horrifying.

•Joni explains that she has always been naive and could never conceptualize anyone wanting to hurt hemean her harm
•Smugly refuses to divulge how much she makes on TikTok. Admits she makes commission from the crap she shills
•She wonders if we’ve ever wondered if when our kids make a vocalization is really just a word they’re saying in Russian or Chinese

Uhh no

•It’s too tumultuous for Cash to do a week on week off schedule with Jerry. She proposed to him a schedule where she had Monday thru Thursday and he got every weekend in the summer.
•She thinks if Jerry wants to post and share things that essentially exploit her kids in the same way she does it is fine because she does that too. Her problem is she doesn’t like his body language and attitude and comments he makes that are slights against her
•She doesn’t want him to have a public space to vilify her. Her children will be grown and see this one day
•proceedes to talk about Cash pooping in the public pool every time they take him

Good thing nobody will be able to see that in a few years time right??

•The first time it happened they weren’t sure it was Cash because it was just poop floating in the pool and there were also a lot of other babies there
•The next time it happened she saw him open the back of his swim trunks and squeeze out a turd. She laughs about this
•The 3rd time it happened she saw him pull his shorts down. The pool had to be evacuated due to the floating turd and they told Joni if it happens again you have to pay to have it cleaned so they stopped going after that
•Cash also poops in the tub if he takes a bath. Joni said that was always normal for them

Holy smokes imagine what she’d say if those evil Reddit people weren’t watching

•The priority is that Cash uses the bathroom and not where. Pick your battles ya’ll
•Her intent behind the very first posts with Cash beating her up was not to go viral but to share and..ya know
•Starts talking about Jesus

Keep his name out of your mouth, Joni.

•Said Jerry was against Cash being in a facility. Then says yes and no
•She said her and Ryan’s ex have been friends off and on for years and years and years. Joni texted her “when did we become enemies again because I did not get that memo”
•Says Cash has been her easiest child to raise
•People are hateful because they have something with in themselves to be healed or dealt with
•Cash’s aggression in school was so bad that word spread around the whole town to watch out for him and this hurts Joni.

K that’s not idol gossip though I think that falls into the category of wanting to prevent a tragedy because you know Joni’s dumbass sure as hell won’t

•She wants Cash do live independently
•live freezes and ends

Good to see she’s still a delusional piece of shit.

Fight Club:
Those two flash-frames aren't just nods to reddit. Tyler's intro (at least in the book the movie's based on) talks about how he enjoys inserting single-frame snippets of pornography into cinema movie reels. Split-second images inserted into the movie that aren't generally visible to the audience at a conscious level, but are picked up and registered by the subconscious, causing agitation. It's a small but clever means for Tyler to create disruption; a micro-dose of anarchy that's rarely registered, let alone traced back to the person responsible.
How this ties into the larger narrative RK's building here, I can't say with certainty. But it's 100% a deliberate nod to something that may or may not be obscure knowledge, and an interesting detail in and of itself. Tyler in Fight Club is arguably analogous to those flash-frames as part of the protagonist's psyche - until the disruption he's causing escalates too much to ignore.
Lucky Number Slevin:
...is also titled "The Wrong Man" in some countries. It's one of the best movies I've seen in my life, and I highly recommend it (though if you're going to watch it, do not read ahead, because I'm going to thoroughly spoil it). The plot basically follows someone who deliberately inserts himself into a position of liability with two mafia kingpins in order to bring down their guards for an assassination. Throughout the main portion of the movie, everyone he meets continually mistakes him for someone he's not - ignoring his insistence that they have the wrong man. Throughout the movie, various inexplicable loose ends that defy the running narrative are seeded, which are all tied together in the final part of the movie, detailing a revenge plot enabled and assisted by an assassin who chose to do the right thing at a crucial moment instead of what the mafia had paid him to do.
There are obvious comparisons to be made here. The company is currently being led by a billionaire who, against all odds and convention, appears to actually be doing the right thing by the public and betraying the upper classes to enable change. The child in the movie grows up to become someone obsessed with revenge and justice by whatever means necessary - and plays by his enemies' rules, ultimately cornering and defeating them perfectly without them ever having suspected that he was anything other than who they thought he was.
The two movies - specifically the highlights of Tyler's love of flash-frame insertions and the Kansas City Shuffle (the end of that scene being the killing of the man everyone - including the mafia bosses - believes the protagonist to be, which occurs at the start of the narrative's timeline) share a common theme, that being incongruencies in the established narrative and actions taken leaving small hooks that are visible to those who are paying attention. Invitations - intentional or not - to dig. And to summarise what I believe this to mean, I'll conclude with a quote from a third tweet: RK's second tweet from the third day.
"The Magician takes the ordinary something, and makes it do something extraordinary.
Now - you're looking for the secret, but you won't find it. Because of course... you're not really looking. You don't really wanna know; you want to be fooled."
And there's not a magician alive that doesn't want someone to figure it out, to appreciate the brilliance that went into the illusion.
Apes, it's time to dig.

for context: I literally just got off a call with an insurance company asking me about things I had no idea about. My dad had discussed changing my car insurance but never told me he was changing it at a specific time when I was working from home. The insurance company was asking me questions which were obviously based on answers that my dad provided online. Answers which I had no idea about. This was fucking pissing me off that dad had done all this behind my back and I went into a call with 0 context, information and no time to mentally prepare. My parents must think I’m joking or exaggerating when I say that I hate phone calls but this actually gave me anxiety. When I had a go at my dad he said “it’s just confirming your information” which isn’t true. They were asking me to make a decision on if I would accept the quote and all the other extras chucked in there which I had no idea about.
All I was doing was relaying information from my dad who was mouthing answers and writing some down on paper. Surely there’s a fucking option for him to talk on my behalf because I felt so useless. I wasn’t in the right head space for this call and now I’m expected to answer questions that my dad had already answered online (supposedly). My undiagnosed ADHD was going mental as I can only focus on one thing at a time. I was finding it so hard to focus on my dad’s mouthing, writing and on the phone call all at once. My parents hate it when I self-diagnose things and try to laugh it all off “oh you don’t have that”. They are supportive of mental health since I do some community work with it but when it actually comes right down to it, they don’t fully understand it and what my triggers are. They don’t understand the day to day things that happen and they seem to think it’s just depression and suicide. It just made me feel really uncomfortable but of course they don’t understand that because they went through so much worse and turned out totally fine 🙄 they put it down to me being so dramatic but anyone who knows me knows that I am the least dramatic person of all time. I’m super chill and easy going
Just to clarify - I love my parents. Theres no broken relationship. Some days they just really piss me off.

I kinda just need to rant about this situation that came up, thought maybe to share it with you all.
I’ve always had a not so healthy family life. Growing up I was close to my dad and only sibling which is my younger sister. My mom was always kinda distant. She from some reason always scared me and I never had trust for her, even at a young age. She wouldn’t hit us, but she was switch like a light switch if we did any little thing that could make her mildly upset. When I turned 16, she started to drink a bit. She would always have a 375ml of rum next to here. But honestly I learned to distant myself from her at a young age so frankly it didn’t bug me.
7 years later, my dad gets in trouble with the law. We will just say he ended up on the sex offender list (not rape but still awful). My mother spiraled, which anyone put in that situation would. She became an major alcoholic, drinking these 375ml bottles in days. My sister and I tried to help her, but she refused. Instead of leaving my dad or starting new or just working together with him to build a better life together. She rather be a raging drunk and yell at my dad of what he did wrong for years.
2 years ago, my sister and I got engaged around the same time. My sister wanted to wait to get married til the entire family could attend due to what my day did. But I decided I wanted to get it over and done with in a quick wedding. Invited my mom of course, but she’s in the deepest of her alcoholism. She starts fighting with family members on FB in a drunken rage and breaking connections with everyone. For years at this point I’m trying to get her help, but she refuses it at all cost. She threatens suicide, but backs off when I start calling police. At one time she almost got admitted to the psych ward but somehow gets out of it when she was taken in and released in hours. But out of honesty, because how I felt how I was treated as a child by her, and already processing it with therapist, I didn’t push as hard as a normal child would for her parent.
When it came to my wedding, she already didn’t want to go because of all the bridges she burned and felt uncomfortable going because my dad not going. He couldn’t attend due to being on probation and being on the sex offender list. I basically told her maybe she shouldn’t get wasted and fight with family members but didn’t take that well. Few months of fighting about it off and on, I had the last straw when she basically told me she wasn’t going to change, didn’t want to change, and wouldn’t for anyone. So I uninvited her to everything related to my wedding days before the bridal shower. She was obviously upset and called me the worst daughter, I frankly didn’t care about her words anymore. But a few weeks after the bridal shower, she get really sick from all the alcohol over the years.
She missed my wedding due to this sickness, but the positive is she got clean after since she saw it almost killed her. She’s been clean for 2 years and I am proud of her in that way. I will always give her that.
However, where my positive feelings last for her end her up to present day. My sister is getting married in a venue about 3.5 hours away from home in a beautiful location in about a month. My dad is able to attend without any problems. And we are all so excited for her. But now my mom is refusing to go to her wedding. Why you may ask? Because she has 3 dogs (2 huskies) that she refuses to leave alone.
Obviously there is some mental illness behind choosing your dogs over seeing your daughter get married just over 3.5 hours away. But there is no changing her mind on this decision of not going. We all offered to help board the animals, to have someone actually stay in their home or someone else home to watch them for a day, or to even rent an Airbnb that would let her take the dogs with. Nope, all bad options and not worth attempting for your daughters best day of her life. Rightfully so, my sister is so upset. I myself am livid she’s putting my sister through this as I experienced a disappointment like this 2 years prior. All because quote “I know there is all these options for the dogs, but I am going with the most comfortable option to stay home with them”.
I’m sure I’m the asshole somewhere in the situation for my growing disdain for my mom. But just thinking of her gets me red when I never get mad. I plan on breaking ties with just my mom after my sister gets married since I don’t want my hate for her to ruin her special day.
Words that will forever ring to me. Sister “…and you basically making me choose which parent is not an option.” Mom “Exactly, That’s why I chose me”

This wouldn’t let me post on relationship advice so I’m coming here. So basically, I was with my first love for nearly 4 years. We didn’t end on bad terms or anything we just simply grew apart because we were so young. We loosely kept in contact throughout the years then one day he contacted me while I was actually in the ER waiting to be seen to. I of course told my boyfriend at the time and he responded with stuff like “he’s a weirdo” and “just ignore him”. So I did. I actually got admitted into the hospital and ended up staying a total of a month because they actually found something pretty serious to which my boyfriend at the time wasn’t fully there for me and was going to social events without me that we were meant to go together and when I told him this was upsetting he would respond to me with stuff like “well this is hard for me too to see you in there and I’m really struggling and feeling down lately so I needed to try go out and make myself feel better”, which I understand to an extent but I was literally in the hospital feeling the worst I have at that point and it seemed like he didn’t care.
We actually broke up and then I decided to reach out to my ex who contacted me. It was over a month later and it turns out he was manic but he told me he was on the better side of things and glad we could still keep our friendship. I wasn’t looking to reignite anything with him, just simply wanted to check in because I had told my sister he contacted me and she said it would be best because some of the stuff he was saying was really worrying, he wasn’t saying anything bad or hurtful at all, but moreso that he prays for me and if he wasn’t reaching out to me he’d be a lot worse off. So he told me he was okay and I felt a sense of comfort in that and we both left the conversation and had no more.
6 months later, I was back seeing the same guy I was with when I went into the hospital for about 3 months at this point (Let’s call him D) and I got the news after work one night that my ex boyfriend who had contacted me took his life the previous night. I was absolutely heartbroken because he was genuinely such a sweet guy and I wanted nothing but the best for him. I didn’t know what to do with myself, I was in so much shock. I had only spoken to him 6 months ago so how could this happen? It didn’t seem real at all. D left work early (we work together) and came and sat with me and I guess tried to help but I don’t think he really knew how. The next day D and I went out for lunch because he wanted to try and cheer me up but I was visibly upset in the cafe and he was sighing and throwing down his napkin and stuff so I felt like I couldn’t show I was upset, and then he told me once I got through the weekend I’d feel okay and a week later I’d feel great. Then on the way home I was basically inconsolable and couldn’t stop crying and he was actually supportive in that moment. Basically things went really downhill when my exes mom texted me inviting me to the wake to see him. D wasn’t too happy about this, and on the night of the funeral while he was out with him friends, he gave out to me for making everything about my ex who passed because he told me he wasn’t feeling good and his heads really messed up and I tried to call him but of course no answer because he was out, and I said to him “I can’t lose anyone else if you’re not feeling ok you need to tell me what’s wrong”. This completely sent him into a spiral and I was accused of still being in love with my ex, for making everything about him. His exact words were everything is just (let’s call my ex Joe) “Joe Joe Joe Joe Joe”. So after reading these texts I just thought to myself that anyone with a heart would understand that while at a persons funeral the only thing on their mind would be the person whose funeral it is. After this I told him I didn’t want to speak to him until the next day and I didn’t go back onto my phone. I ended it with him again and got a very big apology off him, mainly him repeating himself saying how sorry he is and how much he loves me, about a week later. I said it was too late and that how he treated me during that time wasn’t fair. We were also meant to go on a holiday together and texted me again a week later asking for the money for the flights, and then another week later, so that was rubbing salt into the wound because I feel like I wasn’t even given any grace or time to grieve because he instantly wanted the money off me and he wanted it now because “it’s clear where he stands and why would he sit around waiting”.
It’s now 6 months since all of that, we still work together but don’t talk. But I’m just second guessing myself so much. I feel like this whole situation has only hit me now because I was so deep in grief the last few months that all I could think about were the what ifs. I don’t even know why I’m feeling this so deeply but I feel so guilty for it because I think I have my exes accusations in the back of my head. I don’t know if I should reach out and try make amends or if I should even be the one to do that? He hurt me so much, throughout that experience and the first 10 months of our relationship before the first break up. I always chalked it up to be his parents divorce or his ex cheating on him and then witnessing his mom doing to same to his dad, and I thought he was just misunderstood and needed someone who could actually love him right.
To add to all of that stuff he also bought himself a toy that normally women would for themselves while I was in the hospital (we actually had a conversation about that and I told him it was fine to be into that but he didn’t need to hide it from me and him doing so made me think there was something else going on) I think he bought a subscription (iykyk), he made a fake email and shortly after the breakup made a fake Snapchat that I found out about because I got a notification that his number was added to a new account. I’m starting to wonder if he accused me of still loving him because he was doing something shady on the side and automatically thought he’s doing something so I must be too? I know I probably sound stupid wanting to reach out to him but I am so sick of resenting him and caring about this situation, and I know that forgiveness comes from within but it is so hard when I have all my coworkers asking about him and asking why we’re not still friends and saying they love him and he’s so nice when I just want to scream that he’s not. But at the same time I feel guilty for just completely shutting him out because I do understand to an extent that seeing your partner crying about the death of an ex could bring up a lot of conflicting feelings. I’m really torn

I’m having surgery on Tuesday for a full hysterectomy (everything goes, even the ovaries) due to endometrial cancer and I’m starting to have negative thoughts creeping in. My last scan indicated the cancer has not spread; there is a tumor in the uterus and a large tumor in my left ovary. I've had chemo since January and overall it went well. When going over the obligatory risks of surgery In my pre-op appointment my doctor did say if they discover the cancer is not removable they will end the surgery. This is a VERY unlikely scenario and nothing in my scan indicates this will be an issue (I've read the scan notes over, and over and over), so why do I worry so much? It haunts me, even more than not surviving the surgery. I’m 57 and have so much life to live. I want to see my boys graduate from college, and go on that special trip to Italy with my husband. I want to see my dad in August. I'm the only female left in my boys' lives and they need me. This waiting game is proving to be the hardest part of my journey so far. I've been so positive since I was diagnosed, but now that surgery is so close it's all I think about.
Thank you all who are reading for allowing me to vent! I do have some specific questions if anyone can offer a bit of advice or insight:

• I’m supposed to do an antibiotic bowel prep in case they have to touch my bowels during surgery. (Metronidazole and neomycin) How quickly does this work after the first dose? How intense is it? Do I need to stay near a bathroom at all times? Can I still enjoy dinner that evening? My doses are 1pm, 2pm and 11pm.
• Since I have a port, will I still need an IV?
• Is there anything I should take to the hospital besides clean clothes, slippers, and my phone charger?
• When should I expect to eat normally after surgery?
• I’ve had two cesareans and an appendectomy. Is this a similar recovery?
• I live 4 hours away from the hospital, so I’m staying for 2-4 days. What can I expect for the journey home (husband is driving)? I’m bringing a pillow and loose clothing. Anything else I should know?
• Surgery is in Portland at OHSU. Can anyone tell me what to expect as a patient at OHSU, such as what the rooms are like, can I use electronics like an iPad and phone, is there WiFi? I know I focus on the little details to avoid focusing on the surgery itself. :)

Thanks again for your input! And good luck to everyone else having surgery next week. I will post an update when I'm able.

Hey friends!
Looks like the Deck Building Card Battle (20 Card Decks) won yesterday. Thank you for participating in the vote.
Because this is the first group game, it will be very casual, as this will all be done on Reddit. I'll enable our chat to help out, but I'll need your help to keep people from abusing it. For the future, I want to have a discord server where we can interact better, but that's a slow process for me (anyone with experience and a desire to help please DM me).
I'll start out by really introducing myself; I'm Magnus, a game designer in Vancouver, Canada. My company, BRB Games, has been a subsidiary of a large game company, and my employees and I primarily designed games for ages 3-12. I have worked on a few other projects as a consultant, mainly doing logic, core design, testing, etc. In November we found out cutbacks were incoming. Due to a tight contract, I've had a second job the last few years as a lead robotics designer (among other hats) to cover my costs, plus top-up my own employees at BRB. I was often doing 16 hour days, juggling way too much, ontop of a 3 hour commute if I even went home. We all talked and closure was the best choice. Most of my employees were picked up right away, or transitioned into the parent company, and in April, my last person got a fantastic job remotely for an Australian company as a junior designer. I gave my notice with my employer and that brings me to here and now. I have time to actually go to conventions again, I'll be teaching 4 classes a month in person, I'm interning a highschool student in game design from California currently, doing weekly volunteer math tutoring, and I feel I can finally help everyone in boardgamedesign. I want to build this community back up, the best it's ever been. When it closed due to the Reddit protest, we lost 80,000 subs. I became the mod after 2 attempts (and a long talk with Reddit admins). Honestly, this calling in life fulfills me, and if I can pass on anything to you, or help get your game noticed and sold, I'm more than happy to. Long intro short, I'm here to help, so feel free to ask me anything and if I don't know the answer (happens a lot), we can find out!
Also, thanks to our mods u/bgg-uglywalrus and u/MudkipzLover. Without them, we couldn't do this. Their experience, determination and willingness for anything boardgames is inspirational and a foundation of what we are. Thank you, muchly.
So to get started on the game, I want to focus on the first aspects of proper design:
​

This document will be updated constantly until we lock it and create the next stage.

-------------------------------------------------

Card Game: Prebuilt Deck Builder

(Boardgamedesign Edition)
1 - Main Objective (DEVELOPMENT STAGE)

• Design an engaging card game battle experience with deck building mechanics.
• Defeat opponents deck by reducing Health to zero
• Creating a lock out condition (Deck stall)

2 - Card Types:

• Character cards
• Artifact cards (?)
• Condition cards (?)
• (Group Defined)
• Universal Status Cards (shared third deck with joint positive/negative effects)

3 - Resource System:

• Cards are played from hand as defined per card
• Cards are activated using resources (?)
• Cards are activated with combining each cards defined resource value(?)
• (Group Defined Input)

4 - Deck Construction

• 20 Cards per deck hard limit
• Players construct a deck using individual preset decks of 20 cards.
• Players share a pool of universal condition cards (?)
• Players are able to discard cards (deal damage?) (u/Zoql)

5 - Card and Deck Abilities, Conditions, Effects

• (Group Defined)

Deck 1 (u/Zoql) * Discarding cards deals damage at the risk of running out of cards (?)
Deck 2 (u/Superbly_Humble) * Attacks and abilities don't use resources, but conditional on meeting a card setup condition (High risk / reward) *
6 - Game Mechanisms
• Setup - (layout as we define structure)

• Shuffle
• Determine turn order
• Draw (5) cards to hand (?)
• First turn rules (no attacks, activations?)

Turn Structure and Phases

• Draw
• Playing
• Activating
• Resolving
• Player Universal Actions
• Resolving Turn

7 - Combat Logistics

• Activation
• Checks
• Blocks
• Damage Dealt
• Conditions (Weakness, Lasting effects?)
• Interactions
• Resolution

8 - Win Conditions

• Reducing players health to zero
• Defeating all defensive cards (?)
• Creating a zero sum condition (unique mechanic or the 'gimmick')

9 - Balancing and Maths (ALPHA STAGE)

• Spreadsheet stats analysis (as we go)
• FIRST INTERNAL PLAYTESTING (yay!)
• Recording data sets of all conditions
• Extensive strategy testing

10 - Reworks based on data / feedback

• Group input about what worked, and didn't
• Refine Ruleset
• Card conditions and activation tweaks
• Gameplay change and redesign as needed

You can ALWAYS change your game at any time, this is a checks and balance dedicated to it

11 - Closed Public Playtesting (BETA STAGE)

Closed as the artwork isn't finished yet, and play conditions are directly controlled

• Create play sheets for players
• Conditions to try Feedback for a variety of mechanics
• Seek out closed groups (either local, or online)
• Compile data and rework as needed

12 - Art and Theme

It's time to dedicate our resources to visual appeal and player immersion

Artwork

• Overall game theme
• Deck theme
• Character theme
• Dice, Spinner, token theme (components)

Player Immersion

• Game backstory ("Once a year, players...")
• Individual deck story
• Unique wording and phrases
• Compelling intrigue dialogue

Promotional Materials (Unique Art and tone)

• Art testing
• Compile feedback forms
• Test for colour visions, dyslexia and other impairments

Art reworks and touchups
13 - Rulebook Design and Creation

To be succinct, the rules will be compiled already, this is the design aspect

• List all game rules and mechanisms
• Startup guide (can be a seperate insert)
• Quick references (if complicated)
• Determine phrasing based on thematics
• Artwork and formatting
• Page count Structure and finesse

14 - Production and Distribution
Decide on platform (Digital or Physical, or Both)
Digital

• Select release program Design phase (Inhouse or hire)
• Testing inhouse
• Testing public
• Feedback Review and reworks

Physical

• Determine desired materials (Request sample)
• Playtest with physical prototypes (We know certain materials hold up and reuse them to save time, so we only need to heavily test if we are using an unknown vendor, new product or process, or new paints).
• Determine content arrangement
• Choose box size
• Design insert
• Box art creation
• Decide on manufacturer
• Get specifications about batch sizes, weight, and distribution to warehouse / choice location
• Calculate shipping and vendor distribution

15 - Creating your sell sheet

• You'll have the data to do this now.

16 - Public Review Playtesting and Attention

We are able to send out prototypes before this step

• Select choice game stores, boardgame bars, playtesting groups, reviewers, streamers / YouTubers, notable designers, game design companies, publishers, and convention directors (You'll want to have a diaglue about review in exchange for a free game, credits or money. Return shipping if needed. Also a timeframe!).

17 - Community Engagement

Honestly this should be happening very early. The more people know about your game from an early stage, the more they feel connected. Ask for controlled opinions, and respond to everyone within reasonable limits. Every person and is a potential customer now and in the future, and you are building loyalty to YOU, not the game.

• Forums, Reddit, Online videos, Interviewers, Blogs, Website, Conventions, In person, everywhere!
• Business cards are affordable, grab them
• (More?)

18 - Crowdfunding

• We'll cover this more

-------------------------------------------------
Alright, this is my basic design format for board game development, with an updated minimal and modern approach. I'm going to treat it as a loose project management, with a 2 week turn around on the development stage.
Please feel free to add a comment with the section you'd like to add to quoted. We can respond to those threads for more detail, but EACH persons comments will be a different design element. Your name will be added to that section and that's your contribution! More than 1 person can be credited for the section, and more than 1 section can be credited to a person, because we are all collaborating!
When it comes to the deck creations, keep the art and theme to yourself for now, but list what you want in a deck mechanic. We will come to themes when it is time.
Again, this document will be updated constantly until we lock it and create the next stage.
If we determine that this project comes to a marketable standing (which is not intended, but never say no to glory), contributors will have a few options. Either DM me your real info for credit or your username will be used. I know privacy is a premium on the internet, but I can only credit those that want it. If that means creating a new account to protect your privacy, you'll have to DM the mod team so we can approve you due to the low karma automod ruleset.
Lastly, anything you contribute to this project is considered the IP of the project as a whole. Credit where credit is due (having your name on a project is a HUGE start for your resume), but please only contribute if you understand that there is no financial incentive, nor compensation of any kind outside of credit. I can't afford to feed you all :)

Chapter 3: Dynamic Exist
Memory transcript : Farusl Archivist Tyka Date: 2277 August 21st [human standard time]
Tyka yawned, he had been monitoring several of the predator cages for a while trying to gauge their reactions, these were new catches from another region which was vastly different to the other side of the continent which by comparison was stable, these more eastern humans were almost all completely feral, ascribing totemic tribal practices with lethal weaponry, it was saddening.
“Terrifying creatures these humams….even the Arxur wouldn't be able to survive a total atomic annihilation yet these humans, who by all accounts are physically weaker than the Arxur, seem to have survived remarkibly well”
The calculating tone of the elder Officer Netly said peering over into the security monitor watching the newest catches, most of whome seemed to be violent marauders of some kind,and if the toxicology reports were to be believed extremely intoxicated prior to capture
“Well HC-1380 was clean….it why we've placed HC-2251 with them, they both passed with a clean bloodstream and 1380 seemed….mildly more docile than the other recent arrivals”
Tyka said as Netly raised her muzzle in contempt
“A predator is a predator, docile is not in there nature no matter how docile it may seem”
She said as Tyka openly scoffed
“I will admit many new acquisitions may be more feral than expected but the fact that we HAVE found humans who are not as violent should be seen as a boon, infact the nuclear devastation could be a benefit, they may be more willing to partake in the cure if it means that they can live out of the Wasteland”
“And how exactly would we do that, most of there genomes Are irreparable damaged by atomic Fallout and residual radiation, it would take decades to repair there existing genome let alone provide an appropriate Cure for eating flesh. Let alone there awful gaze” Netly spat indignantly, clearly insulted at the notion of a feral species could ever be uplifted to a proper sentient species is laughable
“Ahh But that's where you are misinformed Netly, you see her?” Tyka said tapping a paw to the monitor, it was the two new arrivals he had discusted eariler
“The scavenger and the pale one? What significant are they?” She asked confused as Tyka let out a slight smirk
“There genetic code suggests limited to no genetic damage, HC-2251 for example has no significant radiological degradation, she's as close as clean as you can get, And according to the lab, her UV intake, the thiny that gives humans bare skin there pigments? Its limbited suggesting a sheltered lifestyle, possibly one with a stable, equally pure gene stock of other untouched humans!”
Netly was shocked to say the least, from virtually every other predator they had captured they had all shown signs of genetic damage or severe mutation due to radiological exposure, of Tyka was correct…there was a possibility that the Original cure that was designed for humanity could be distributed
“If that is true, where could they possibly be located? We have satellites pointing All over the continent and wed be able to see a large, functional human tribe, like those desert tribes to the east” Netly said as Tyka nodded
“If they were on the surface, i postulate that they may be subterranean and i believe the answer likes in 2251s arm mounted computer. We plan on removing it after another checkup but the lab has had troubles devising a method of removing it without killing her since the device Is somehow attached to her by some biometric seals were having difficulties cracking but by her next interview”
Tyka said, and before Netly could respond a security alarm blamed, forcing the two to shift their focus away from there Conversation to the monitors, it was HC-2251 and HC-1380, the two were fighting, Tyka could only imagine it was for dominance, predators were such a precious bunch but at least they lacked claws, that was the thought until a trial of blood was seen spilling from 2251's nose!
“Ancestors! Netly send a security team to break that up and isolate 2251 as soon as possible, if she dies then we loose any lead on finding more undamaged human stock!”
Memory transcript: Abigail Nelson, vault dweller and current show fighter
The hits were all staged but every so often to get across the idea they Were real every other hit randomly connected with enough force to show it, that was Somah’s plan, make them think They were fighting for some reason, Somah had said that fights like these were was drew in security to stun them and break up the fight, which was also Why they didn't want to actually hurt one another, because if one or both of them got hurt they'd not only be separated and isolated like Somah was after her first attempt, and after getting socked In the face and giving her a light bloody nose. It worked as the door opened and in poured…..cocker spaniels? Chest-tall, wall eyed, cocker spaniels in rubber suits welding cattle prods.
In a flash Somah kicked up the metal tray that the measly alien veggies were delivered on, using it to bash in the muzzle of one, drawing the other three's attention away letting Abigail slam her bawled fisted into the temple of one of the aliens, causing it to slam into another causing them both to frankly…..easily drop to the floor, the lot of them whining and whimpering, clutching their heads as Somah grabbed one of their weapons, tossing one to Abigail as Somah made for the exit, having to brush off the shock of alien dog men she followed her new companion close behind.
“Were those…..dogs?” Abigail asked in surprise running along side Somah as the two raced down the hall as alarms blared overhead
“Yeah, I kinda forgot to mention that, didn't I? They look like Pre-War dogs with weird Brahman eyes,” she shrugged nonchalantly to Abbies confusion. The two suddenly stopped in a side room with an air vent, somah watched the corners and seemingly satisfied pulled Abigail in, and motioned her to be quiet. Before she could question why she heard the squeaking of booted paws run past them and somah only spook once the sound seemed sufficiently distant.
“Alright …..we're in the clear, are you ok-” Before Somah could continue she was meet with a smack across her face from Abigail
“That was for hitting me in my nose!” She spat rubbing her once prestigious white jumpsuit with her red viscous fluid leaking from her nose.
“Okay…I deserve that,” Somah admitted, rubbing her cheek “Honestly, I expected something worse, but I deserved it,” She says as Abigial noticed exactly where they were exactly. “Wait….are we in a alien supply closet”
Somah looked around, noticing the abundant sealed boxes written in alien script, one slightly open revealing some kind of rag or cloth That Abigail readily swiped to help stem her nose’s red trickle.
“Okay so, back on track, we need to find a way off this ship, last time I checked were still over Earth” Somah said as Abigail looked back at her
“How would we know?” She asked pinching her nose*
“Because you can feel when the ship moves, and they have announcements in English” She says which just made Abigail’s eyes go wide.
“They speak english?!” Abby said shocked as Somah nodded, “Then why the FUCK would they lock us up without saying anything?!”
She spat as Somah tried to get her to calm down “Honesty, I don't know, the only thing I do know is what I've heard from some of the guards, something about us being Acquisitions and a cure…I think there trying to collect us a labor force for whatever reason”
That reason resonated with Abigail in a disturbing way, the way the cells were arranged reminded her uncomfortably of Paradise Falls
“But why us?” She asked as Somah began looking around the small storeroom
“It makes sense to me, humans survived a nuclear apocalypse and they want a slave force for there homeworld, it's not like humans can fight back in any way, swoop down, suck up a town into your hold and zip away. They're probably checking to see what diseases we have to make sure we don't bring back any plagues and to inoculate us to theirs.”
The logic tracked, Paradise Falls had a rigorous system for assessing new….cattle to ensure they weren't feeble or lame, Just thinking that alone made her sick to her stomach.
“Alright, but we should stop them, force them to capitulate, somehow, and free everyone onboard!” Abby declared as Somah scoffed.
“And how exactly do we do that, Vaulty? “Ask nicely and hold out a flag of peace and tranquility?” She asked sarcastically as Abigail tried to rack her brain. What would Dad do in a situation like this…. This wasn't like the vault….but that's when it hit her. This alien ship…. Maybe it was like a vault, if it's so big and would need alot of…. Well, everything, to move from planet to planet. Maybe, like a vault, if they crippled certain systems, maybe, they could stop them.

“As a matter a fact, I do have a plan” Abigail said with smirk, removing the now stained towel as Somah raised a brow to her as Abigail regained her plan to her scribe accomplice.

Chapter 3 is done and I feel pretty good about it but escape scenes Aren't my forte im afraid, as usual I adore everyone who reads and enjoys it, I'll have proper links set up to go back to previous chapters sometime later I hope yall enjoy!
First
Previous
Previous [mini chapter]

I'm a 29 year old male and i will try to summarize the horrendous situation I find myself without leaving to many crucial details out. I was with my ex girlfriend for nearly 6 years. The red flags were present fromn the beggining but looking back I had no way to understand what they were at the time partly due to my young nievete and partly due to the fact that coming from a emotijallyabusive household I had normalized many of the more subtle behaviors and therefore they fell within a blindspot of my cognitive distortions at the time. From the very start she would begin punching herself in her own head if i ever became upset with her in any way or during any attempt to verbally work a problem out. I thought she was just a bit flippant and intense. Dare I say I almost found it attractive in a strange sense. She was and still to this day, stunningly beautiful and menacingly seductive and knows how she can have a significant effect on males especially without doing very much in the way of actions. Fast forward she unknown to me at the time discontinued her birth contorll pills while still assuring me she was taking them and ultimetly lied by telling me she had just to fund out she had become pregnant herself after missing a period. We were both in our mid to early 20s still more or less financially dependant on our parents and were living on public city streets in our tow behind rv with our 2 dogs. She was idealizing me and to be frank I remebr this period of time as the happiest iv been eever before and up untill now. This memory of "happiness" I think was the biggest reason it took me so long to finally start trying to advocate for my self respect instead of hanging my head and just ignoring the abuse so that I would get the sweet reward of psedo- intimacy with her a few times a week. Despite my fond memories looking back I see now what could only be described as patterns if coercive control that seriously escalated over the 5 years we were in a relationship with each other and included her beggining to cheat early on and the resulting systemic lies and relational damage from needing to formulate and bend the nature of reality around those lies. Her hot and cold treatment of me with any postive(hot) behavior usually at least in the last few years being exclusively sexual in nature and cold behavior usually manifesting as her stonewalling me and or simply disappearing for multiple days at a time sometimes. The day my son was born i accompanied her to the hospital and sat with her the entire time helped her push ans enouraged her with love. She treated me with indifference and disdain. Once our wonderful little boy came along this a became even worse. The sense that she was making it about him and her vs everyone else including me was strong. She became quite introverted secretive and "cliquey" with my newborn and at the same time seemed to loose all desire to be physically or emotionally intimate with me. (Of course i gave her plenty of time and space right after she gave birth amd was understanding that it might be a while before things were back to normal).it was almost like she had a new partner-our child. she refused to fully move in to the apartment my grandparents had spent a huge amint of money on to give us a chance at raising our soon in a healthy environment. She would start random and seemingly pointless arguments often escalating into her screaming mean things at me innfront of our 3 month old son like she ****ed me and then raging followed by quickly slamming the door and taking our infant son backto her mother's house where she would stonewall me for a few days then send me. A message that emotionally blackmailed me into taking full blame for the rupture and apologizing profusely. In addition she did not trust me with our son but had no reason not too and as a result gatekept him in an extremely overcintrolling and damaging(for him and for me) manner. to this day (he is 3.5] I have never spent the night alone with him and have had him 1 on 1 dad and son time signifigantly less than I should have and not for lack of trying on my part. Despite her overcontrolling coercive sabatoging and alienating actions my son and I formed a loving and beautiful bond that up untill I saw him last a few months ago has amazingly endured through the storm. The tradegy goes on and on but to wrap up ultimitely she purposefully betrayed me by starting a relationship with my good friend and had him suggest to me that he should move in so he became my roommate all the while lying to my roommate that I ht her and simultaneously having him report back to her on my whereabouts at any Givin time and the things I said about her when venting after a prticulringly humiliating attempt to see my son or similar interaction and also give her info about what I was doing during the day. He became quite controlling himself and severed to further isolate me from people that weren't trying to ruin my life. They started to play mindgames with me that ibsee now attempts to gage how much I knew or suspected about what was going on. Mind you my son who was around 2 at this point was privy to the whole thing it was only kept a secret from me and due to this my son was coached to not tell me about it although what was actually said I will never know. Eventually a mutual friend of my roommate and I reached out and told me he had seen my roommate "playing dad" with my girl and son at dollar tree that day. I remebrr that day I sat at a local park in my car sullen and confused having been led on via sms from her only to randomly stop responding and never managing to get any time with my son. This sort of thing had become a regular occurance She then began withholding my son all togethar simply not answering at all or lying about him being asleep ridiculously early in the afternoon etc etc. My own parents failed to suppprt me and are still failing to show any sort of care other than somehwat monitarily. In fact my mom and her were two peas in a pod and my mom activly participated in the emotional abuse partly becauee of being manipulated by her partly because my mother is emotionally abusive. If I had better support or access to court resources at the time I'm confident things would have gone much differently but I was so isolated and lonely and in a deep state of despair at this point and the only thing I still was enduring for was the brief and inconsistent times i got with my boy whom I love more than life itself. I managed to get a hold of her via phone at this point and said i was going to go to court and pursue custody since she seemed unwilling to value my valid role as father. Her mom and her immediately became overly nice and invited me over where they sat me down and offered to make a visitation schedule and kindly suggested I dident go to court. It wasent much but it was signifgantly more respect than I had been shown any instance prior so I gobbled up the manipulations and left feeling invigorated and hopeful. The schedule was never adhered too and within a few days it was back to me not even be able to get a hold of her let alone see my son. The final day I saw him before things blew up I went over to her house in the evening. My son wanted to play hot wheels so we began to line them up on the floor but my ex was hovering over us with a hostile air. I asked if we could have some space or if at least she could sit down and play with us and she just kept standing there glaring at me. This made me uncomfortable and my son noticed this by sayig daddy play with me! Upon hearing this she in a angry tone said "play with your effin kid isent that what you wanted to do soooooo badly" right in front of him. I asked not to be spoken to in front of him like that and she went and got her mom and started whispering abut me to her mom in the hallway while they watched my son and I. I got up and said I'm leaving this is innappropriate and she said "wow that checks out you harrass me to see your son and then you don't even wanna see him. how pathetic and typical" " you just want to stress me out dont you" you don't actually give 2 you know what's about him" right in front of my son again. I speechlessly went to leave and my son comes running after me begging me to wait. I'm on the verge of tears and i picked him up cherishing how warm he was and how lovingly he was clinging to me. I tentatively requested I be allowed to go for a walk with him around the block and her mom this time dismissively says ya go and shoos us out the door. I get down the driveway and my ex comes sprinting out of the house tears streaming down her face and a look of rage and starts hitting me while I'm holding our son. Amazingly he start4d pushing her away saying mommy stop mommy stop. She says you have 5 minutes or I'm calling the cops and goes back in. I walk him around the block and say "mommy's feeling sad right now but it doesn't mean that either one of us loves you any more or any less than we used to and it's absolutely not your fault." I go back inside and without saying anything I walk up to her and give her a hug wich my son joins in too. All the sudden she is happy again and trying to speak to me in a casual tone but I basically just leave without saying much else. After this a week of no contact with my son occurs which at the time was the longest we had gone apart I felt like I had no choice but to confront her and assert my rights AGAIN although looking back I feel terribley silly for thinking she was going to repsect me at that point. Keep in mind i ALWAYS was extrmely respectful of her space and never would just show up at her moms house even though our relationahip by many accounts was more than informal ennough to make an occasionaI drop in to say hi. In addition she on Many occasions had told me that I could just come by if she didn't Answer her phone or simular situation arose. I texted her I was coming by to say goodnight to my son and phrased it as a statement not a question or request. I was already on the way when I sent the message and so I arrived (unintentionally)before her being able to fully respond to it to see my romate come running out of the front door (this is when I first had proof ab about all the stuff I mentioned earlier about their secret relationship) and go hide in the bushes, her poke her head out the door and then shut and lock it and turn all the lights in the house out and close the blinds. I walk up to the door and knock to no avail and so I confront her about what i know and saw via sms. She directly denies all my proof and accusations and then after calling me crazy and a stalker blocks me on all channels of communication. I go back to my car and collapse in tears and ultimtly fall asleep. I wake up to see her quickly shoving a duffel bag and my son into her moms car and her and my roommate get in and she pulls quickly away. Upon passing me on her way to the main road she becomes aware that im still there in my car and she burns rubber and begins driving extremely fast and erratically. In a moment of panic I knew she was probably trying to go into hiding with my son to prevent me from evrr seeing him again and I fearing for the safety of my son and our relationship I regrettably felt compelled to follow. We got on the freeway where she initiatied speeds of 100 plus miles perhour weaving in between semi's and this sort of thing continued d for an hour in the interim I had called 911 and also she had pulled up too a gas station casually got out and pumped gas upon her getting back in the car I witnessed my roommate making derogatory and taunting sexual gestures referring to my ex and also what i can only describe as cuddling with my son in the back seat and became enraged and made some threatening motions with a large wooden shovel handle while standing next to her car that were directed at my betraying friend and I feel terrible for doing in front of my child but in the moment I was so desperate and upset by the psychological torture i had been through it clouded my normally good judgment. In the end the police couldn't locate us due to my 911 call continually being transfered fron highway patrol dispatch back to whatever city we were in at the times dispatch. Also ultimetly no physical harm or even any other attempts happend or anything to anyone of the people involved and eventually I gave up and drove back to my hometown. She immediately filed for a domestic violence restraining order and used a recording she took of me looking aggressive and threatening outside her car as proof im abusive and violent even though i have never been either of those things. Especially not violent. I may not have been the most mature or experienced or attentive partner for some of our relationship but anything I did was truly a far cry from the serious emotional anguish I have ben subjected to here and not abusive. I did not lie, cheat,manipulate, gaslight, trick, triangulate, turn family againts or ever feel superior or entitled to harm or use her in any way. I loved her and she did all those to me and now is trying to steal the most precious thing I have left in the world from me so she can emotionally scar him with her idea of what good parenting is which in truth is emotional abuse.. She moved my old roommate in to her moms house full time the very next day and from what I hear they both are abusing meth and who knows what else currently plus this guy is not somone that is safe around my son to that degree. He is not a healthy safe adult for such a young boy and in addition he is vindictive and dislikes me mostly because my ex told him I hit her and abused her which are absolutely complete lies. I'm facing a situation now where I have to sit by and watch my son turned agsints me and withheld from me and abused and eveyone treats me like im the abuser. I have tried to contact every dv organization in my local area and as soon as they hear what happend it's almost like I can Feel the switch flip and in the moment it's evident that all the abuse that I had recounted surviving through doesn't matter because I'm some "unhinged abusive guy that chases people down the freeway" eveyone I have reached out to locally has invalidated me and berrated me for "what I did" and successfully pathologized what I consider to be a huge mistake that I feel very regretful for loosing my composure but also a rather understandable emotional reaction to severe mistreatment and fear for my son. I'm beggining to feel so isolated riding the emotional Rollercoaster of self doubt and powerlessness that this abuse at the hands of my ex but dare I say worse yet the abuse by way of victim blame and invalidation from these people and organizations that exist to help dv survivors has caused me. which because I reacted I'm not worthy of being included as a survivor. Cn you offer any advice or support or suggestions? I'm terrified for my sons wellbeing currently and haven't been able to see him in going on 2.5 months now clear and to be clear the domestic violence restraining order is still temporary. I have the final hearing in August.i

I'm a 29 year old male and i will try to summarize the horrendous situation I find myself without leaving to many crucial details out. I was with my ex girlfriend for nearly 6 years. The red flags were present fromn the beggining but looking back I had no way to understand what they were at the time partly due to my young nievete and partly due to the fact that coming from a emotijallyabusive household I had normalized many of the more subtle behaviors and therefore they fell within a blindspot of my cognitive distortions at the time. From the very start she would begin punching herself in her own head if i ever became upset with her in any way or during any attempt to verbally work a problem out. I thought she was just a bit flippant and intense. Dare I say I almost found it attractive in a strange sense. She was and still to this day, stunningly beautiful and menacingly seductive and knows how she can have a significant effect on males especially without doing very much in the way of actions. Fast forward she unknown to me at the time discontinued her birth contorll pills while still assuring me she was taking them and ultimetly lied by telling me she had just to fund out she had become pregnant herself after missing a period. We were both in our mid to early 20s still more or less financially dependant on our parents and were living on public city streets in our tow behind rv with our 2 dogs. She was idealizing me and to be frank I remebr this period of time as the happiest iv been eever before and up untill now. This memory of "happiness" I think was the biggest reason it took me so long to finally start trying to advocate for my self respect instead of hanging my head and just ignoring the abuse so that I would get the sweet reward of psedo- intimacy with her a few times a week. Despite my fond memories looking back I see now what could only be described as patterns if coercive control that seriously escalated over the 5 years we were in a relationship with each other and included her beggining to cheat early on and the resulting systemic lies and relational damage from needing to formulate and bend the nature of reality around those lies. Her hot and cold treatment of me with any postive(hot) behavior usually at least in the last few years being exclusively sexual in nature and cold behavior usually manifesting as her stonewalling me and or simply disappearing for multiple days at a time sometimes. The day my son was born i accompanied her to the hospital and sat with her the entire time helped her push ans enouraged her with love. She treated me with indifference and disdain. Once our wonderful little boy came along this a became even worse. The sense that she was making it about him and her vs everyone else including me was strong. She became quite introverted secretive and "cliquey" with my newborn and at the same time seemed to loose all desire to be physically or emotionally intimate with me. (Of course i gave her plenty of time and space right after she gave birth amd was understanding that it might be a while before things were back to normal).it was almost like she had a new partner-our child. she refused to fully move in to the apartment my grandparents had spent a huge amint of money on to give us a chance at raising our soon in a healthy environment. She would start random and seemingly pointless arguments often escalating into her screaming mean things at me innfront of our 3 month old son like she ****ed me and then raging followed by quickly slamming the door and taking our infant son backto her mother's house where she would stonewall me for a few days then send me. A message that emotionally blackmailed me into taking full blame for the rupture and apologizing profusely. In addition she did not trust me with our son but had no reason not too and as a result gatekept him in an extremely overcintrolling and damaging(for him and for me) manner. to this day (he is 3.5] I have never spent the night alone with him and have had him 1 on 1 dad and son time signifigantly less than I should have and not for lack of trying on my part. Despite her overcontrolling coercive sabatoging and alienating actions my son and I formed a loving and beautiful bond that up untill I saw him last a few months ago has amazingly endured through the storm. The tradegy goes on and on but to wrap up ultimitely she purposefully betrayed me by starting a relationship with my good friend and had him suggest to me that he should move in so he became my roommate all the while lying to my roommate that I ht her and simultaneously having him report back to her on my whereabouts at any Givin time and the things I said about her when venting after a prticulringly humiliating attempt to see my son or similar interaction and also give her info about what I was doing during the day. He became quite controlling himself and severed to further isolate me from people that weren't trying to ruin my life. They started to play mindgames with me that ibsee now attempts to gage how much I knew or suspected about what was going on. Mind you my son who was around 2 at this point was privy to the whole thing it was only kept a secret from me and due to this my son was coached to not tell me about it although what was actually said I will never know. Eventually a mutual friend of my roommate and I reached out and told me he had seen my roommate "playing dad" with my girl and son at dollar tree that day. I remebrr that day I sat at a local park in my car sullen and confused having been led on via sms from her only to randomly stop responding and never managing to get any time with my son. This sort of thing had become a regular occurance She then began withholding my son all togethar simply not answering at all or lying about him being asleep ridiculously early in the afternoon etc etc. My own parents failed to suppprt me and are still failing to show any sort of care other than somehwat monitarily. In fact my mom and her were two peas in a pod and my mom activly participated in the emotional abuse partly becauee of being manipulated by her partly because my mother is emotionally abusive. If I had better support or access to court resources at the time I'm confident things would have gone much differently but I was so isolated and lonely and in a deep state of despair at this point and the only thing I still was enduring for was the brief and inconsistent times i got with my boy whom I love more than life itself. I managed to get a hold of her via phone at this point and said i was going to go to court and pursue custody since she seemed unwilling to value my valid role as father. Her mom and her immediately became overly nice and invited me over where they sat me down and offered to make a visitation schedule and kindly suggested I dident go to court. It wasent much but it was signifgantly more respect than I had been shown any instance prior so I gobbled up the manipulations and left feeling invigorated and hopeful. The schedule was never adhered too and within a few days it was back to me not even be able to get a hold of her let alone see my son. The final day I saw him before things blew up I went over to her house in the evening. My son wanted to play hot wheels so we began to line them up on the floor but my ex was hovering over us with a hostile air. I asked if we could have some space or if at least she could sit down and play with us and she just kept standing there glaring at me. This made me uncomfortable and my son noticed this by sayig daddy play with me! Upon hearing this she in a angry tone said "play with your effin kid isent that what you wanted to do soooooo badly" right in front of him. I asked not to be spoken to in front of him like that and she went and got her mom and started whispering abut me to her mom in the hallway while they watched my son and I. I got up and said I'm leaving this is innappropriate and she said "wow that checks out you harrass me to see your son and then you don't even wanna see him. how pathetic and typical" " you just want to stress me out dont you" you don't actually give 2 you know what's about him" right in front of my son again. I speechlessly went to leave and my son comes running after me begging me to wait. I'm on the verge of tears and i picked him up cherishing how warm he was and how lovingly he was clinging to me. I tentatively requested I be allowed to go for a walk with him around the block and her mom this time dismissively says ya go and shoos us out the door. I get down the driveway and my ex comes sprinting out of the house tears streaming down her face and a look of rage and starts hitting me while I'm holding our son. Amazingly he start4d pushing her away saying mommy stop mommy stop. She says you have 5 minutes or I'm calling the cops and goes back in. I walk him around the block and say "mommy's feeling sad right now but it doesn't mean that either one of us loves you any more or any less than we used to and it's absolutely not your fault." I go back inside and without saying anything I walk up to her and give her a hug wich my son joins in too. All the sudden she is happy again and trying to speak to me in a casual tone but I basically just leave without saying much else. After this a week of no contact with my son occurs which at the time was the longest we had gone apart I felt like I had no choice but to confront her and assert my rights AGAIN although looking back I feel terribley silly for thinking she was going to repsect me at that point. Keep in mind i ALWAYS was extrmely respectful of her space and never would just show up at her moms house even though our relationahip by many accounts was more than informal ennough to make an occasionaI drop in to say hi. In addition she on Many occasions had told me that I could just come by if she didn't Answer her phone or simular situation arose. I texted her I was coming by to say goodnight to my son and phrased it as a statement not a question or request. I was already on the way when I sent the message and so I arrived (unintentionally)before her being able to fully respond to it to see my romate come running out of the front door (this is when I first had proof ab about all the stuff I mentioned earlier about their secret relationship) and go hide in the bushes, her poke her head out the door and then shut and lock it and turn all the lights in the house out and close the blinds. I walk up to the door and knock to no avail and so I confront her about what i know and saw via sms. She directly denies all my proof and accusations and then after calling me crazy and a stalker blocks me on all channels of communication. I go back to my car and collapse in tears and ultimtly fall asleep. I wake up to see her quickly shoving a duffel bag and my son into her moms car and her and my roommate get in and she pulls quickly away. Upon passing me on her way to the main road she becomes aware that im still there in my car and she burns rubber and begins driving extremely fast and erratically. In a moment of panic I knew she was probably trying to go into hiding with my son to prevent me from evrr seeing him again and I fearing for the safety of my son and our relationship I regrettably felt compelled to follow. We got on the freeway where she initiatied speeds of 100 plus miles perhour weaving in between semi's and this sort of thing continued d for an hour in the interim I had called 911 and also she had pulled up too a gas station casually got out and pumped gas upon her getting back in the car I witnessed my roommate making derogatory and taunting sexual gestures referring to my ex and also what i can only describe as cuddling with my son in the back seat and became enraged and made some threatening motions with a large wooden shovel handle while standing next to her car that were directed at my betraying friend and I feel terrible for doing in front of my child but in the moment I was so desperate and upset by the psychological torture i had been through it clouded my normally good judgment. In the end the police couldn't locate us due to my 911 call continually being transfered fron highway patrol dispatch back to whatever city we were in at the times dispatch. Also ultimetly no physical harm or even any other attempts happend or anything to anyone of the people involved and eventually I gave up and drove back to my hometown. She immediately filed for a domestic violence restraining order and used a recording she took of me looking aggressive and threatening outside her car as proof im abusive and violent even though i have never been either of those things. Especially not violent. I may not have been the most mature or experienced or attentive partner for some of our relationship but anything I did was truly a far cry from the serious emotional anguish I have ben subjected to here and not abusive. I did not lie, cheat,manipulate, gaslight, trick, triangulate, turn family againts or ever feel superior or entitled to harm or use her in any way. I loved her and she did all those to me and now is trying to steal the most precious thing I have left in the world from me so she can emotionally scar him with her idea of what good parenting is which in truth is emotional abuse.. She moved my old roommate in to her moms house full time the very next day and from what I hear they both are abusing meth and who knows what else currently plus this guy is not somone that is safe around my son to that degree. He is not a healthy safe adult for such a young boy and in addition he is vindictive and dislikes me mostly because my ex told him I hit her and abused her which are absolutely complete lies. I'm facing a situation now where I have to sit by and watch my son turned agsints me and withheld from me and abused and eveyone treats me like im the abuser. I have tried to contact every dv organization in my local area and as soon as they hear what happend it's almost like I can Feel the switch flip and in the moment it's evident that all the abuse that I had recounted surviving through doesn't matter because I'm some "unhinged abusive guy that chases people down the freeway" eveyone I have reached out to locally has invalidated me and berrated me for "what I did" and successfully pathologized what I consider to be a huge mistake that I feel very regretful for loosing my composure but also a rather understandable emotional reaction to severe mistreatment and fear for my son. I'm beggining to feel so isolated riding the emotional Rollercoaster of self doubt and powerlessness that this abuse at the hands of my ex but dare I say worse yet the abuse by way of victim blame and invalidation from these people and organizations that exist to help dv survivors has caused me. which because I reacted I'm not worthy of being included as a survivor. Cn you offer any advice or support or suggestions? I'm terrified for my sons wellbeing currently and haven't been able to see him in going on 2.5 months now clear and to be clear the domestic violence restraining order is still temporary. I have the final hearing in August.i

its like 9 am for me rn woke up at 6, got a healhy 4 hours of sleep. anyways i kinda just wanted to talk about something rq about i pretty much have lost most of my friends over the past years since i got out of highschool. they had it coming, snake ass mfs wanted to ditch one of our friends dispute him being there for us through thick and thin. anyways i kinda used to be a incel? i guess i wasnt like a neo nazi or anything i was just a loser playing hoi4 and minecraft all day. in november i got into the gym which is nice, spend less time now at home speaking of which is often. I cant find a job anywere, and im going to have to likely go to work with my dad in the summer which isnt bad just alot of work but also a alot of money. i have dreams, most of which are going into the financial sector, as you can see my grammer and spelling is just really fucking bad, no idea why im 18m btw and it looks like a 9 year old. i saw this quote a few days ago saying "live your life like your father was dead" on real note this hits 2 cords the first one being a kinda love it, and i wouldnt wanna face him after i failed at something he told me not to do. one the 2nd cord being that he one day may die, he drinks like 4 beers a day used to be way more, his brother died at like 60ish? idk that was when i was in 6th grade, on top of that he has told me many times he is going to die. i feel like hes depressed since im not doing well in life. my mom is kinda diffrent, i will always respect her but shes kinda just stupid, and with that cant see that shes wrong. as i have got older i have realized every "bad" thing shes done she was just acting out of anger or just didnt understand. my sisters one doesnt matter, i will never talk to her again, the other is wonderful, good future she helps me out alot with school stuff and i really wish she does well for me and she wishs well for me aswell. shes not around much anymore as shes busy with school i cant blame her shes not my mom anyways. in the way of friends i mostly just chill with my true og ill call t, t was the one i talked about before, i also chill quite alot with one of my cousins. to make it worse canada kinda been in a economic rut since 2020, house prices have skyrocked over the last 10 year in this area from what was 500k for one to 1.4 million over the last 15 years or so. girls are kinda weird to me, i dont really like them per say, i have never had a crush on one in my entire life, from what im guessing some have had a crush on me, im not really unattractive anymore. im built alot better and am fairly tall at like 6'1, i just dont form a crush. i think i might also post this on trueoffmychest

Not sure where to start with this so I’ll just put it out there. I think my father is abusive towards my mother and I have conflicting feelings towards him. I came across this post a while ago where it said something along the lines of “I loved him as a daughter but I couldn’t love him as a woman” and it hit home. I wasn’t sure in the moment why I felt such a rush of emotions when I came across that post, but after giving it some time, I realized it spoke to me because that’s how I feel towards my dad.
My parents have a traditional marriage. Dad is the money maker and mom is the homemaker. There is a huge power imbalance within their marriage. My dad has done everything for us. Has sacrificed a lot and I’ll always recognize that.. but no amount of sacrifices on his part will outweigh his shitty treatment of my mom. He has never hit her (best to my knowledge) however, he talks down to her. Talks to her like she’s stupid. Tells her that he regrets marrying her. Swears at her, insults her, belittles her (in public and private), threatens her with divorce, uses religion to threaten her and say he’ll take on a 2nd wife, and has basically stripped away any and all self confidence she ever had. And what makes me even more mad and frustrated is that my mom just takes it. She won’t say anything back. Ever. She’ll obv get upset and I’ve seen her cry countless times, but she’ll never say anything back to him.
She excuses his behaviour by saying that he puts food on the table and a roof over our heads and we should be grateful for that. And that shit enrages me to no end. He has no right to treat anyone, especially his own wife, in that manner just bc he’s providing. Im 25 and so I’ve grown up seeing this shit and I know it has impacted me in all the negative ways. I hate to even think that my father is abusive.. I almost feel so guilty and ungrateful for feeling the way I feel because he provides for us all.. but I can’t help the way I feel. And yes, my parents are the kind that think staying in a shitty marriage “just for the kids” is better than being divorced… because shitty marriages have never affected kids (sarcasm).
So I ask you: 1. What do you think of the quote I posted in the title 2. How is your relationship with your father? 3. Is my dad actually abusive or am I thinking about it all wrong? 4. Am I wrong to feel a level of hate towards him?

Please discuss and if you would like rate out of 10.
The Boho Dance by Joni Mitchell
LYRICS
Down in the cellar in the Boho zone I went looking for some sweet inspiration, oh well Just another hard time band With Negro affectations I was a hopeful in rooms like this When I was working cheap It's an old romance the Boho dance It hasn't gone to sleep
But even on the scuffle The cleaner's press was in my jeans And any eye for detail Caught a little lace along the seams
And you were in the parking lot Subterranean by your own design The virtue of your style inscribed On your contempt for mine Jesus was a beggar, he was rich in grace And Solomon kept his head in all his glory It's just that some steps outside the Boho dance * Have a fascination for me
A camera pans the cocktail hour Behind a blind of potted palms And finds a lady in a Paris dress With runs in her nylons
You read those books where luxury Comes as a guest to take a slave Books where artists in noble poverty Go like virgins to the grave Don't you get sensitive on me 'Cause I know you're just too proud You couldn't step outside the Boho dance now Even if good fortune allowed
Like a priest with a pornographic watch Looking and longing on the sly Sure it's stricken from your uniform But you can't get it out of your eyes
Nothing is capsulized in me On either side of town The streets were never really mine Not mine these glamour gowns
FOOTNOTES
Boho Dance" [submitted by Debra Shea] Joni's Boho Dance is a personal story (it does seem to me she's talking to a particular person as well as thinking about where she fits in) and goes beyond Tom Wolfe's discussion of the art world, but it does start with it. The Painted Word was published in June 1975, the same year as HOSL, so the subject may have been talked about in Larry Poons's NY loft, along with Don't Interrupt the Sorrow (since LP is mentioned in the book, he probably knew about it before it was published).
And it's not so much about artists and critics, as about the relationship between artists and the people buying their art (with critics often(?) determining what those people are buying and the buyers purchasing not only art but the feeling that they, because of their relationship with the artist, are also bohemians -- at least briefly). It's Wolfe's premise that the visual arts are the only art form in which relatively few wealthy people decide what everyone else will see.
Not that knowing any of this is important to appreciating Joni's work, but I do like placing Joni in context, as opposed to her seeming to create in a vacuum. So now when rereading The Painted Word with Joni's Boho Dance in mind, some quotes jump out at me:
"...the [art mating] ritual has two phases: (1) The Boho Dance, in which the artist shows his stuff within the circles, coteries, movements, isms, of the home neighborhood, bohemia itself, as if he doesn't care about anything else; as if, in fact, he has a knife in his teeth against the fashionable world uptown.
(2) The Consummation, in which culterati from that very same world, le monde, scout the various new movements and new artists of bohemia, select those who seem the most exciting, original, important, by whatever standards -- and shower them with all the rewards of celebrity."
Wolfe then describes Picasso as an artist who excelled at this art mating ritual, compared to Picasso's friend Georges Braque, who is really the one who came up with Cubism:
"...here we have the classic demonstration of the artist who knows how to double-track his way from the Boho Dance to the Consummation as opposed to the artist who gets stuck forever in the Boho Dance. This is an ever-present hazard of the art mating ritual. Truly successful double-tracking requires the artist to be a sincere and committed performer in both roles.
Many artists become so dedicated to bohemian values, internalize their antibourgeois feelings so profoundly, that they are unable to cut loose, let go ... and submit gracefully to good fortune; the sort of artist, and his name is Legion, who always comes to the black-tie openings at the Museum of Modern Art wearing a dinner jacket and paint-spattered Levis's . . . I'm still a virgin!"
One verse especially seems to come from this paragraph, although Joni's words are so much richer. Joni's conclusion is that she's not involved in this art mating ritual at all: "The streets were never really mine. Not mine these glamour gowns." Is that because she was making music, instead of showing her artwork? At first I thought this song went beyond the art world and was about anyone getting stuck in a certain lifestyle, even if it's hurtful. But maybe she WAS just talking about the visual arts.
Most of the song is criticizing someone else. It does seem like she's aloof and separate from the Boho Dance, not that she's learned how to do it comfortably herself. Hmmm, is this actually a song about Joni's relationship to the art world?

I was discussing on another community about game industry and gacha games in general. It is widelly assumed that gacha games are an easy way to make a quick bucks. Which I won't deny sharing the opinion. However, someone pointed out that it also brings Exposure. Gachas are a way to make game startup companies/studios known in this day and age.
By now, I'm sure everyone here knows of MiHoYo/HoYoverse. Whom made Honkai Impact 3rd, Genshin Impact and Honkai Star Rail, among other gacha/mobile games. However, there was something I didn't know about the company. Their first games weren't free gachas games, but games with an actual price tags. However, it seems those games didn't bring much profit due to piracy. I don't know if those games were considered good, but, from what I've understood, those games sells number definitely did not help the company have a good start.
I'm not really smart, so I'll resume the line of though (and vague memory of arguments others pointed out at the time) that bring me to this question in bullet point.

• 29-30 march 2023, Crunchyroll anounced the EoS of the Global version of Princess Connect Re:Dive
• According to the schedule (based on JP hisctory) in more than one month Kokkoro (a very popular character) would have seen the release of her "Princess form" unit.
• (Theory) Possibly due to the news hitting the Kokkoro's fan (a vast majority of the community, if I'm not mistaking) harder, the backlash of the announcement is heavy.
• However, when looking at the sells, it wouldn't be unexpected from Crunchyroll to vault the game, as it wasn't nearly as successful as in Japan. Most likely due to the meta already being known leading to generally less expanse from the players
  • I myself skipped banners, unless they were for meta, collabs or limited-time units I really wanted
  • I think someone even called it from the very beginning, that the game wouldn't work so well.
• Due to the backlash and people bringing up Crunchyroll past history in vaulting games after a 1-2 years, they made the mistake to remove that info from their website. Leading to a bigger backlash from the community.
• That poor decision, is what makes the story bigger than it actually is. + the fact that they were about to release a gacha based on a more successful (non-anime, and in quote "less niche") franchise.
• Since Crunchyroll doesn't need exposure, as much as startup companies need it, they were loosing more than they were gaining from Princess Connect.

Had Crunchyroll made the announcement a few months later, after the hype for Princess Kokkoro died down, would the resulting (first) backlash had be more, less or as severe?
As I said, what really was the problem is how they choose to deal with the first backlash, by removing all mentions of the vaulted games. Though this was in response to how the people choose to paint a bad portrait of them following the EoS announcement. The second backlash seems to have kept the embers from the first from dying out sooner than it actually did.
If you think I'm mistaking about something, please feel free to share your view.

Hello fellow potatoes! And to the potato queen herself, girl, you're amazing!!! I just found your channel a few months ago, but I'm a huge fan. I don't have a lot of time for videos, but when I do get to watch, I watch yours.
Have I got a boomemil story for you! Let's go on an adventure...warning...I tell stories with rabbit holes and tangents. This is probably gonna be too long. I'm sorry!!!
So, the characters are me (40f), boomer MIL (64f BM for short, like bowel movement bc she's caca), my oldest son, (17m), and my church "mom" (65f CM for short).
A little background: BM thinks she's an awesome mom and grandma even though she's not. She uses my kids as facebook props to show off how "wonderful" she is. The only reason she was around my kids so often was because we went to the same church. She lived 10 minutes down the road from us, but could never be bothered to come over or have anything to do with any of us is if we didn't initiate. She has always said that if we ever try to threaten to keep our kids away from her, like if we were having a disagreement, that she would not fight to see them. We've never threatened to keep our kids from her, she just wanted us to know that she didn't give a sh!t to see her gandkids. So, that tells you right there, that she's a grandma when it's convenient for her.
She's of the boomer mentality that mental health issues are made up and aren't real. "You have nothing to be depressed about." "Just snap out if it." "Just be happy." You get the point. I struggle with depression, I always have. She doesn't understand or even try to understand and is the least empathetic person I've ever met.
When I get overwhelmed, I get depressed, and I start shutting down. My plate is overflowing right now. Between the end of the school year and the possibility of us moving states, I've been overwhelmed. My oldest is a senior and the last month of senior year is crazy busy. I have another child (11m) in public school and this is his last year of elementary school, so this has been an extremely busy month for him. I have 3 more kids that do online public school/homeschool. So, they're home all day with online classes, but since they're a public school, they have mandatory state testing just like regular public school. I have had to take them to do state testing on 4 different days overyhe last few weeks and the meeting place was 45 minutes from home, at a conference room in a mall. I also babysit 3 kids (1m, 4m, 4f), so hanging out for 4 to 5 hours a day on 4 different days with a shitload of kids at the f#cking mall was not easy. Not to mention the positions and "jobs" that I hold at church. To say I'm busy is an understatement.
We've been planning on moving for the last few months because a position at my husband's work is coming open near where he grew up, which is in another state. His parents recently moved back to their hometown after my FIL retired, so one reason for the move would be to be closer to them. They are getting older, so I would be taking care of them once they needed it, so moving closer seemed like a great option. Also, it's a lower COL area than we live in now. Currently we live in the metro area of a capital city and we would be moving to a middle of nowhere po'dunk town.
Told you, rabbit holes, thanks for still being with me!!!
And this is just the straw that broke the camel's back, this is not the only reason for my decision.
So, to the actual story...
Last week, I got a mother's day card in the mail from BM. She's a dollar tree card fanatic. It was a very typical card that she sends me. Nothing handwritten except for "love, grandma and grandpa." This is what she writes in all my cards. (Another tangent...last year my mom passed a month before mother's day and that actual mother's day was her and my dad's anniversary. And I had a super complicated relationship with my momster. So, it was an exceptionally hard day for me. The card she got me said "Daughter" in huge letters on the front. I thought it was so incredibly passive aggressive and completely inappropriate for that year. If it would've been any other year, it would've been fine. Also, she never gets me cards that just say "daughter" so, to me, it was a low blow.) (Yet another tangent...she does passive aggressive crap all the time, for instance when she used to do fb birthday posts, she would always ask me to send her a pic to post. I'm picky about what pics are used and she knows that. Last year, I sent her a great pic of me and her son to use. So, she used one from about 12 years ago that looked like absolute poop. It was a surprise pic, so like not even posed, stupid look on my face. No matter what pic I send, and usually send like 3, she uses a completely different one that doesn't even look good.) I got the card last Tuesday. Hubby happened to be talking to her while driving home from work that day, so when he got home, I thanked her for the card and just wanted to give her a heads up that I hadn't gotten a chance to mail hers yet because of everything I had going on. I kinda broke down and was sharing how I felt and she basically just said, "suck it up, it'll be fine." She's always been dismissive of my feelings, always.
So, my CM is the sweetest lady you'll ever meet. She listens to me, lets me share my feelings without being dismissive, and actually shows she cares. I see her twice weekly at church, and text with her during the week. Since BM has moved 8 moths ago, she has called or texted "just to talk or check in on us" less than a handful of times. She only calls/texts when she needs something or on a special occasion. She called my husband to ask about something, not just to talk. I understand now why the oldest grandson, my nephew, didn't even bother to invite her to his and his girlfriend's baby shower where he proposed. She thinks she's an amazing grandma bc she sends birthday money in a card and posts their pics on Facebook. And, she even stopped posting the kids birthday messages on fb bc she said it was "too much trouble." So, she just sticks to her 30 daily inspirational Bible quotes posts. She's the type that was so pissed off that both of her kids went with courthouse marriages instead of going into debt for a wedding because she didn't get to walk down the aisle at her kids' weddings and post pics on fb. She's mentioned this several times, but definitely wasn't even willing to spend a dime towards a wedding that no one wanted except her. She was also unwilling to take a day off work to go to the courthouse with us. With both of her kids' marriages, the kids and partners were together for a while and had kids before getting married, so spending tons of money on a huge wedding for either of us couples wouldn't have been the best way to spend money.
On mother's day, I gave my CM a card with a few lines written in it about how amazing she is and how I'm so grateful for her. I'm way closer to her than BM. CM is my chosen family and to me, your chosen family is the one that means more because you chose them, you didn't just get stuck with them. My blood family is incredibly toxic, so I stick with my chosen family. CM made a fb post with all that she got for mother's day. It was gifts and cards from her own children, and of course my card as well. CM & BM are fb friends, so of course BM saw it. Also, BM has everyone convinced she's this sweet, little old church lady, but she is far from it.
So, this Tuesday she got her cards in the mail. I always give her one from hubby and myself, and a separate one from our boys. I wrote a nice little note in it. Not long, a line or 2, but it was more effort than she put into my card. She sent me and hubby the following in a group text...
Copy and pasted, only edited out names.
"Got my cards in the mail today. 😭. They were post marked Saturday. You could of kept them til I got there or next year. It's like yall bought them Saturday, wrote a few words and rushed to get them to post office. My heart 💔broken. I thought I deserved better. I wish I could send pictures of my card verses [CM] 😩 card. I couldnt tell which gift was yours. But least I have a year to try do better and be worthy of such wonderful words of love and praise that was written to her.
I don't mean to complain or seem ungrateful but I wished you hadn't mailed them.😭😭. I can't explain how crushed I am.😔 Anyway hopefully I will see yall on the 20th."
Note: my oldest son is graduating on the 20th. She was supposed to drive down and spend the night with us to attend the graduation. I honestly believe she picked this fight because she doesn't want to drive the 6 hours down here.
If you "don't mean to complain or seem ungrateful" then why tf did you send it? I asked my husband what was his initial reaction and he said, "Really?!? All she had to do was say thanks."
So, after I talked to my husband and oldest son (I wanted to make sure everyone was on board with what I was saying before I sent it) , I sent her this response:
"I mailed them on Friday, I bought them several weeks ago. I told you I hadn't mailed them yet because I've been in a deep depression and you dismissed my feelings like always. I have real, valid feelings and you always dismissed them as silly. And come after me because now you're feelings are hurt. Wow, ok. The absolute audacity. And it's not just with your cards that I'm slacking. It's with everything. Because I have depression. I'm overwhelmed on top of that and literally the only thing you care about is a card. I tried to express my feelings the other day on the phone and you dismissed them like you always do. I know things will be fine, but in this moment they are not and you don't get that. Because you don't understand how or why I feel the way I do, then my feelings are silly or invalid to you.
And I never gave [CM] a present. Don't know why you thought that.
Don't worry about coming down on the 20th."
She replies by trying to blackmail me;
"Well my am so sorry I said anything. I never realized you thought that about me. I never dismissed your depression but yes i never knew what to do for you. I am not going to go back and forth about this. I will text [son] and let him know you told me not to come."
She's not sorry to me for being dismissive, she's sorry because now she doesn't get her "Proud MeMe moment" and can't post pictures of her at his graduation on fb. And even if she didn't "know what to do" for me, all she had to do was ask. Or listen. Or give a damn hug. But, no, she just dismissed me bc to her depression isn't real. And she's not going back and forth bc she knows shes wrong! Little did she know that I had already cleared it with hubby and son before sending the text, so I think she thought it would make me look bad to my oldest son that I told her no to come. Oldest son said, "I'm neutral, I don't care if she comes or not. It's not like she's had anything to do with us since she moved, and barely had anything to do with us when she was here."
So, my last text to her said, "He knows. I asked him before I texted you, and he's good with it."
All she had to do was say thanks or not even say anything at all. But, no, she had to say something stupid. Even her own son said that she's lucky she even got a card bc if it was up to him, her actual son, she wouldn't have gotten anything. So, not only is she not invited to the graduation, she's never welcome in my home again. The great part is I don't have to share my holidays with her ever again!!! And please know that I'd never keep her grandchildren from her, but if she wants a relationship with them, she'll have to put some effort in. And we all know boomers hate effort.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading my rant. I appreciate you my friends!

DISCLAIMER: I did not transcribe this myself, though I could. I had a machine do it, and then the machine threw up afterwards -- but I did go through and add some bullety points while Jamie shot off her mouth. It's a total word salad, but one has only to skim through and see the number of ways she yawns and yawps and contradicts herself ... and does not take a breath, so there is very little punctuation. Again it's a run-on slog and the AI program chose to only use periods to end 70-some sentences because of all the run-on "like ... you know ... and ... but" instances as she ran with it -- with NO BOUNDARIES WHATSOVER. I did take out the kids' names, and I did search-and-replace all instances of "to" with "tuh" because that IS how they talk!
ENJOY -- and I use that word lightly:
AND SO IT BEGINS WITH Doug wishing Happy Mother's Day … and immediately Jamie corrects him, "Well, not really Mother's Day …" since they are recording after Mother's Day. Got get those Doug corrections in toot sweet, lest he thinks he has a mind of his own.
They note they tend to be "a little late on things," but they are "trying to get better about that." Doug says they had a fantastic Mother's Day, and he asked her if she had a good time. She said she had a great time. Doug wrote Happy Mother's Day on some cards and the kids drew on them. He gave her an eyelash waxing and noted probably a bad idea. She said it wasn't that she wasn't thrilled as she did mention that pregnancy makes her eyebrows bushy, but she was scared, maybe just mentioned she'd need to tweeze, but oh, well, yes, she likes his gift.
Jamie noted that it was "just the four of us" and of course, the babies in her belly, and that was fine with her – until her son's birthday of course, when she noted that their entire families suck!
So onto her son's birthdays and THESE GEMS AND THOUGHTS: I think it's just pregnancy hormones, but honestly, like, I just, I just can't, like, I don't know why, like, I guess, like, you know, ever since I was little, I've always really, really wanted family, like, so badly, like, I wanted just, like, deep connections with people who truly love me, and I truly love them, and we just really, truly support each other, and just, I don't know, I think, like, just pregnancy hormones made me think about it, but, like, yesterday for Son's birthday, and just family members who just completely forgot, and they just don't care, and I'm like, is it me? Is it him?
Like, and I don't want my son tuh grow, like, he doesn't know, and he'll never know, because I'll make sure, I mean, I spent every second, that boy had no second tuh think yesterday, like, I picked him up from school, and I took him tuh the library, because that's where he wanted tuh go, and then we, like, you know, we really love surprises in this family, if that's not clear by now, and so Daughter and I surprised him with a splash pad, like, we went tuh the splash pad for the first time, and we never do things like that on a school night, and so, and then he got tuh go pick out a cake that he wanted, and then Doug had dinner already at home, and then also we had decorations in his bedroom, which I was, like, hoping tuh have for the morning, but then Doug was, like, at, like, midnight, when we're, like, thinking about starting tuh blow up the balloons, Doug is like, Jamie, let's just surprise him tomorrow after school.

(Notice she takes no breath … and also they were super-last minute when it came tuh getting ready for his birthday, versus, what we have all mentioned, that isn't so when it's a gender reveal or a party or pickleball or something FOR HER.)
HERE, DOUG ASKS … "WHY, ARE WE GONNA DO THIS NOW?" AND THIS WAS PRETTY MUCH THE LAST EFFORT HE MADE tuh STOP HER BECAUSE SHE WENT ON WITH: Yeah, because it was so late, but I was like, I just have, like, this vision that I just wanted for him, because, you know, I'm just trying tuh give them the childhood that, like, I would have wanted, that any little kid would want, and really all that involves is truly just two loving parents who are there, and, like, that's really all that really involves, but if I can go a little extra, you know, and surprise him, and I, then I want to, you know, and so, you know.
DOUG NOTES THAT HE DOESN'T THINK THEY KNOW ANY DIFFERENT, AND HE CONTINUES WITH: I don't think they really know any different, you know, and I know, I know it's, it's tough, and I think, especially with, like, little kids, you know, they, they won't necessarily feel the impact and that want, you know, and, and I know that you do, and it, it hurts me that, you know, you would, you would want people tuh care enough to, tuh reach out, and I think, you know, for, for me, I, that's, I don't really set my expectations or, or give those expectations tuh son and daughter.
JAMIE BLASTS BACK, SUPER-DEFENSIVELY: Oh, I do not either, though. I do not at all. I don't say a thing tuh them about anything, because, you know, sometimes people miss their – you know, and that happens sometimes, but when it's, like, over, and over, and over again, and, like, it's just so obvious, and, and people ask us why we moved tuh Florida, and don't we want tuh be near family, and, you know, tuh be very honest, this is why.
Like, we, you know, I, we would fly up there tuh try tuh prove, like, hey, listen, we're not just trying tuh leave, though. Like, we, we, I want that family connection so badly with your family, with my family, and it's just, you know, unfortunately, it's, people are in different stages of life. I try tuh make excuses, like, for them, and, you know, for us, and it's probably not personal, but the point of the matter is, is that whether it's not personal, and people are busy, and whatever the case may be, we don't have that family connection.
We just don't, and I'm, I try tuh nurture it, and, um, you know, and we do with some family members, and then just others, you know, you just, it's just. Well, you can't help but be disappointed. Yeah, and, like, I guess my heart hurts, because I want our son, and our daughter, and our children tuh have just so many people who love them, and want tuh be around them, and who will encourage them, and support them, and.
DOUG NOTES THAT HE THINKS FAMILY KNOW ALL OF THIS AND THAT THEY, THE KIDS KNOW HOW MUCH LOVE THEY HAVE FOR THEM, AND ALL THE EFFORTS THEY PUT FORTH, AND HERE HE SAYS, "Especially you," AND THAT ALL OF THIS IS WHAT MATTERS MOST.
JAMIE'S REBUTTAL: Yeah, I know, but Doug, what I'm trying tuh say is that, like, what I would want for them is them tuh have many people who love them, and, like, you know, like, I always wanted, you know, it's not even a secret, like, way back, I'm married at first, like, the one thing I wanted was tuh marry into a family, like, a big loving family that would welcome me as their own, and, and I'm really thankful for your family, and, yeah, but, like, I just feel like, like, I want that for our kids. Like, I wanted them tuh have people who loved them, who wanted tuh come around them.
Like, my, my siblings and I really didn't have many aunts or uncles or grandparents who, I mean, you know, it's kind of, it's so long, because, like, there are some people who were there, but it was, like, toxic, and aye, aye, aye, it's just, you know, it's just, at the end of the day, I'm pregnant, and it's just hormones, and I know our kids feel nothing but loved, but it's just really evident, like, on a birthday or holidays, like, people who, who actually, like, family who actually truly cares for us, and, like, all I've ever wanted was just our, like, I, I don't know why I care about these people caring about me, when, like, they don't care, and it's okay, and that's, that's, it's okay.
Like, it, I'm trying so hard tuh just be, like, accept it, girl. Like, you know, you can't force family tuh love you.
JAMIE TRIES TO DIFFUSE THE TIMEBOMB SITUATION THAT IS HIS WIFE, CLEARLY GOING OFF ON EVERYBODY BY SAYING HE KNOWS THAT SHE DOESN'T WANT THIS FOR THEM BUT THAT THEY, THE KIDS, DON'T EVEN NOW ABOUT ALL OF THIS RIGHT NOW.
JAMIE'S REBUTTAL: Well, I know they don't, and so, at the end of the day, I was, like, sitting in bed crying earlier, and I was, like, what is wrong with me, because I know my son had a great birthday yesterday. Like, I made sure of it.
DOUG NOTES SHE "KILLED IT, YESTERDAY."
JAMIE BLASTS ON: At the end of the day, I think, like, it's a personal thing, because it's, like, they don't care about me, and therefore, they don't care about my son, and that hurts, you know? Like, it's just hurtful, and not, because I care about them, and I love them, and I've tried so hard tuh be part of them, and, and try to, like, I've tried changing my ways. I've tried tuh adapt tuh be more like them.
I've tried all these different things. At the end of the day, nothing I do, like, I may as well just be myself, and, and, because if I have tried tuh be like them, they don't like me. If I try tuh be myself, they don't like me.
Like, no matter what, like, I don't feel like, I feel like they're, I'm just kind of judged by them in the way that I live my life, and anyways, it's fine, but.
DOUG COUNTERS IT WITH THE FACT THAT JAMIE GOES "ABOVE AND BEYOND FOR EVERYBODY," AND THAT IT'S TOUGH THAT SHE "WANTS OR EXPECTS THAT IN RETURN," BUT NOTES THAT THIS IS ALSO MAYBE WHERE THE "BOUNDARIES" LIE … cool, they now have a title for the podcast!
JAMIE CONTINUES tuh BLAST: Well, no, of course, and this is exactly why I'm also crying happy tears, because for so long, I just really tried tuh nurture, like, a true, like, true family, and deep connection, and like, try tuh be, like, really close, and, and it's like, well, if you're the only person nurturing that, you're bound tuh get hurt. It's bound, it's not going tuh happen ever, because it has tuh be a two-way street, and so, unfortunately, like, I started putting up boundaries, and I knew it was going tuh hurt, and like, here it is. It's, it's hurting, you know, like, and then inevitably, they'll be like, you know, you moved tuh Florida, but even when we didn't live in Florida, let's be honest, like, we didn't see family very often, unless, like, it was, it just, unless it was us going places, and then even when we moved here, I would fly up there.
I flew up, we were flying up there, like, once a month. It was so expensive. It was so taxing, but I just wanted to, tuh kind of prove, hey, listen, like, but, you know, I'm so glad we moved here, because at the end of the day, you know, even if we never even find our own people, like, our focus is on our core family, like, we had zero distractions for Son yesterday, like, his birthday was the hundred, like, and it's just, that feels good, because normally, we wouldn't have that. Yeah, normally, I would be cleaning the house, trying tuh prep for people tuh come over, who I would have called 10 times, make sure they remember that he's coming, and it's like, or that his birthday is coming, and it's like, it's just, you know, this is such a vulnerable, I don't even know if I want tuh share any of this, because it's just so personal, but.
DOUG NOTES THAT ALL REFLECTS MORE ABOUT OTHERS AND NOT AN ATTACK ON JAMIE.
AND YET JAMIE CONTINUES TO DEFLECT AND ATTACK: No, I don't think it is either, but it's just very evident where people, like, if people care about us and our family, I don't think they actually, that's the thing, is they don't, like, and so, they're not thinking about it one way or the other, it doesn't even matter tuh them, and that's what hurts, because I wish that they cared about us the way that we cared about them, but they don't, and so, that's why I'm trying tuh have the boundaries tuh be like, find people who will care about you then, or just focus on your own family, and if people wonder why I want so many kids, well, there you go. People constantly say, why don't you love the two you have?
Oh, of course I do, and I'll tell you what, I want tuh have 10 more, because I want tuh raise them in a way where we love each other, we're always there for each other, we don't forget. It's just silly little milestones, it's not about presents, it's not about anything other than just love, and remembrance, and just, like, celebrating each other, and I am going tuh raise my kids tuh just really love each other, and tuh know that their parents love them, but God forbid, one of us are taken, and then, then it's like, I think about things like that, and I'm like, who do they have if they don't have us? Like, seriously, and that scares the crap out of me, because there are very few people who even remember, like, and tuh me, it's just a birthday, I know, it doesn't really matter, but like, that's of significance tuh that child, and people just don't care, like, they just, our fam, so many of our family members just don't care. Well, we make, we make it, and then I'm like, am I making a mountain out of a molehill, but like, and am I?
DOUG ALSO THINKS ABOUT THEM "DEPARTING EARLY" AND WHAT HAPPENS tuh THEM.
JAMIE BUSTS BACK IN, AND STARTS tuh TALK ABOUT "ESTATE PLANNING," WHICH SORT OF MADE ME SIDEYE BECAUSE SHE GOES ON tuh TALK ABOUT THE KIDS AND WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO THEM, AS IF THEY WERE PART OF THE "ESTATE," BUT I GUESS SINCE THEY ARE THE MONEYMAKERS SHE THINKS OF IT MORE IN THAT WAY THAN GUARDIANSHIP PAPERWORK … AND SO SHE CONTINUES: Well, when you think about estate planning, and then who you're leaving your kids to, and I'm like, who can I leave my kids to, who are really going tuh love them, and the people right now didn't even call tuh wish him happy birthday, they didn't even call tuh wish him a happy birthday, they didn't send a gift, and it's not even about the gift, but it's about the thought, who do we have in our life, Doug? I don't think it's, you know, I ask if I think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but then I, like, I almost, like, talk, like, convince myself that, no, I'm not, like, I'm really trying tuh make sure that our kids are taken, like, loved and taken care of, and sure, we've got it out, down pat, but what happens, like, then what?
And like, I'm not gonna go down that rabbit hole, and I'm sure this is all pregnancy hormones, and I'm just exhausted and tired, so, but I just think about these things, and then, and then people wonder why I am so thankful for our followers, for those of you listening tuh the podcast, and those of you who follow us on Instagram and YouTube, and who are just excited for us, because a lot of our own family members aren't, like, it's just wild, and so, yeah, and so thank you for those of you listening, and for those of you who comment, and just, you know, just are excited to, like, like, tuh be part of our family, like, because we have forever been looking for that, and, like, our family's just not that interested, and we could try, and try, and try.
DOUG: Out of sight, out of mind.
JAMIE BINGOS!!!!! THAT THOUGHT AND CONTINUES: Yeah, it's, and it's fine, but I'll tell you what, I genuinely do appreciate every single five-star review, every single, like, nudge that you just, every single moment that you take out of your life just tuh be like, hey, what's up with Jamie, you know, and that's why I try tuh do giveaways, and I try to, you know, like, read your five-star reviews, and I try tuh show you that I genuinely care about you, too, because I really think that it is a two-way street with everything in life, like, so whether it's, you know, family, it's friends, it's working, it's, we're colleagues, like, if someone is showing you a lot of, you know, any support, or encouragement, or care, like, then that's the person that you should then go show love, support, and encouragement, and care to, whether they're family or not, and unfortunately, if family doesn't seem tuh show you that, well, then you do have tuh set up boundaries, and it hurts, like, h-e-l-l, because then you'll start to, when you stop reaching out as much, well, then you'll start seeing that your relationship becomes even more distant, but you can't constantly break your back tuh try tuh make relationships.
DOUG NOTES THAT THEY EITHER STEP UP OR DON'T, AND THAT’S WHERE IT LANDS.
JAMIE CONTINUES: Yeah, but from what, from my experience, from what we've experienced, you know, no one really steps up, and it's pretty evident when you start, when you realize you have tuh make a boundary with a person, like, just know in your heart that it's gonna hurt, like, you know, and I'm sure that we're, I'm not the only person going through this, and that's, I think, why it's important tuh share, is that, you know, because it's hard tuh share these things.
It's embarrassing. It's, I feel, it's almost, like, belittling. It's like, like, you know, it's like you're, you're sharing that you're rejected, essentially.
Who wants tuh share that? Like, who wants tuh admit that? But the truth is, is that we all have been there, and so I think that the biggest way tuh heal, and what I've learned is, of course, tuh find, to, like, lean in on the people who don't, like, desert you, betray you, talk behind your back.
I mean, that's the thing, is people who also, who are there, but they're really, like, kind of a snake in disguise, and, like, it's, like, like, they, it seems like they're there for you, but then behind, but you're walking on eggshells around them, because you know that they're saying things behind your back, and that's not, that's not healthy either, and so what I've really tried tuh do is really just focus on people that have really just been loving and nurturing, and the more people are loving and nurturing tuh me, whether they're family or not, the more I will lead, like, reach into them, and...
DOUG BUSTS IN TO TAKE A "QUICK PAUSE" FOR AN AD, IRONICALLY ABOUT INVESTING AND GOOD FINANCIAL HYGEINE.
JAMIE GETS RIGHT BACK TO IT: Of course, holidays and birthdays are tough because like you want like my mom like I mean forget it but like I love her and she's doing the best she can but like you know it's like I don't know I guess it's because I'm pregnant and then like when you become a mom and you just think about this relationship and it's like I just have always wanted that relationship with my mom and of course I know real like logically it's not gonna happen but anyways it's um it's just hard but anyways what I was trying tuh say tuh you though listening is like if you're going through this type of situation like just know that you're doing the right thing by kind of putting the boundaries up and then kind of you know you got tuh focus on gratitude more than anything else and so I consistently try tuh remind myself tuh be thankful that I am alive I'm able tuh be there for my kids my son has no idea who remembered and who forgot his birthday but of course he knows who he talked tuh but like you know I, I know that he had the most spectacular day yesterday and I made darn well sure of it and it literally cost me like zero dollars tuh it's not like it has tuh be expensive it wasn't extravagant we went tuh the library which is free and then we went tuh a free splash pad that's in our city and slash playground yeah, yeah and he had a great time so it's like people it's because the other thing people say well if you can afford tuh give them that it's like it doesn't you can find ways tuh live tuh like really bless your family and your kids without having tuh spend boatloads of money um but the biggest message and takeaway of this all and I guess of like I we never planned on sharing any of this we were planning on sharing about mother's day and
DOUG DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT tuh SAY, BUT SHE NEEDS tuh KNOW HOW PROUD HE IS OF HER, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH …
SHE THANKS HIM QUICKLY AND THEN GETS ON WITH HIS always getting by my side and like when I'm thankful for you when I started you know going tuh therapy and, and I mean forever ago I'm telling you forever ago when we were first married and I first started going tuh a therapist outside of married at first sight she told me she looked me in the eyes and she said Jamie like they might be family but they're not your people and you gotta go find your people and I didn't want tuh believe her I didn't want I literally just said you know thanks but no thanks essentially and I'm gonna try my best tuh turn this family into mine because I want this connection and I want this and I wish I could have saved myself all those years by just listening tuh her and you know finding my own people who, who do love and support me for who I am who I don't have tuh like I can just don't have tuh walk on eggshells I don't have tuh try tuh be anybody else I can just be myself and they'll see like the good in that and they'll like it you know and, and not everyone's for everyone and that's okay and I just try tuh remind myself that but anyways um yeah you've always stood by my side so thank you I see you I'll always be by your side I just like sometimes doubt like if like you know like, like, like what have I done like am I a bad person like did I like what have I done this has nothing
DOUG NOTES THAT THEY'D FIND PEOPLE "DOWN HERE" IN FLORIDA, AND THAT THEY BOTH KNEW IT WOULD NOT HAPPEN OVERNIGHT, THAT REALLY MEANINGFUL BONDS TAKE TIME, BUT THEY ARE IN THE BEST POSSIBLE POSITION TO BUILD A COMMUNITY AND MAKE STRONG FRIENDS THEY CONSIDER TO BE FAMILY, AMAZING PEOPLE, AND THERE ARE KIDS TOO, AND THEY CAN WATCH EVERYONE GROW UP TOGETHER … AND HE THINKS, "That's kind of the point of, of moving tuh Florida find community find our people and also find out you know who would be there with us and for us and …"
JAMIE BLASTS BACK: It has nothing tuh do with you or who you are well the truth is, is obviously it does because these people don't enjoy being around me so then therefore they don't enjoy remembering our kids and or me whatever I guess I think I'm just really hormonal and emotional but I guess I just feel incredibly rejected and like I've done something wrong but I also know at the same exact breath that this has been happening for years and years and years where I've really
DOUG NOTES JAMIE HAS "TRIED SO HARD" AND THAT IT'S NOTHING THAT SHE DID.
JAMIE BLATHERS BACK THAT IT'S NOT REALLY THAT THEY'VE DONE ANYTHING WRONG, BUT … we just don't jive and I guess you know we have different we're different people and we can't force it yeah and so there's very little control that we have over it other than us being us yeah and so but you know but I guess this is like the healing part that everyone talks about with boundaries that's so painful like it's so painful because when you want something so bad and like I think it's like wired in me because it's family and like I really want tuh support family and love family and be there for them and but then it's like but it's just not there in return and you could just spend your whole life searching for it and or you could kind of put up a boundary and, and stop allowing that tuh continue tuh hurt you and find people who are genuinely happy tuh be around you and so needless tuh say for those of you listening if - if you're in this boat with someone whether it's parents siblings aunts uncles cousins I don't know or even long-time friends who you think are quote-unquote friends but you know things change or who knows I mean it's so darn hurtful but I really believe at the end of the day that I mean I was I spent years and years and years trying my darnedest and now I'm like if I, If I could give like an inkling of that effort tuh someone who gives an inkling of the effort back tuh me like the just the joy and happiness that could come from that or just like the stability and also like I did try changing myself tuh kind of be more like them tuh have more in common with them and it just I can tell you right now if you're trying tuh do that that's not gonna work either like it's hard unfortunately you just gotta be yourself in this world you gotta love with your whole heart and, and be selfless you know you can't expect people tuh just care about you if you don't care about them of course you gotta show up for people you gotta really like put yourself out there for them but if you consistently do that and you're not getting any of it in return you gotta change your path and it's the hardest thing in the world tuh do but you know tuh be very, very honest like going tuh bed with Doug last night after Son's birthday and like just everything that went down and whatnot I was just like and this is why we live in Florida this is why we moved here because this this served our core family more so than trying tuh fit a round peg into a square everyone else's schedule and everybody else's lives it's just you know and it's and I'm incredibly thankful tuh your sister and tuh your mom and your dad of course because they did reach out and that's just really, really kind like they called and they just show that they really care and that really means the whole wide world tuh me and like regardless of what they think of me like they love our kids and that's really all that
DOUG NOTES WHAT MATTERS IS-AND MAYBE THEY NEED TO BELIEVE IN SOME KIND OF "HIGHER PURPOSE," BUT HE DOESN'T CONSIDER IT ALL "WASTED TIME OR ENERGY," AND THAT IT MAYBE HAPPENED THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN AND FOR JAMIE TO GIVE …
AND SHE CUTS HIM OFF TO SAY THAT THIS MESSAGE CAN help others. I've really kind of like avoided being this vulnerable lately because I feel like there are some people who just really don't like me and it's been brought tuh my attention and just no matter what I do they really don't like me and I guess like everybody has quote-unquote haters but it hurts my heart a little bit and I don't know but, but the truth is, is like just like I said before what I learned in this the certain boundaries that I've talked about before is that you really can't change who you are in the hopes that people will start tuh approve of you because they're never like the people who just choose that they don't like you and they just choose tuh find your faults will always like they will always see your faults and they will always yeah there's no convincing them otherwise and that's and if you're listening tuh this like this is the truth for all of us is that when you're looking for the good in life you're gonna find the good and you can focus on that and try tuh get like more of that and garner more of that but if you're focused on the negative whether it's in life or with your spouse or with a friend or at the workplace you're gonna find that and so if so sometimes if you've you know if you see that you're consistently feeling like you have quote-unquote bad luck or that this person's being wrong tuh you or they're not caring about you will try tuh think about the good that they do and, and, and so truly like for me with these whole boundary things like I've tried just I tried tuh kind of I've already tried that with some of these family members that just don't seem tuh care and um and, and so that's and then that's when the hurt comes is you know when you realize oh yeah you're actually all right and you are onto something and for whatever reason their life isn't aligning with yours and it's and that's okay but it doesn't mean it's not gonna hurt a little bit for the person who like wants it tuh be there but that's when you go out and find someone who wants tuh align their life with you or maybe their life already aligns and they just and you can serve each other you can love each other you can be there for each other and whether it's blood related or not like that will serve you better in life and so that's kind of where I think Doug and I are right now um but also for, for you listening if, if you're just finding yourself in this situation too just try tuh make sure you're not just trying tuh find the fault in someone because you don't want tuh get caught in that rabbit hole and there are people out there who just want tuh find the negative and then there are people out there who cut that down like don't allow that tuh happen tuh yourself because you will be miserable your whole life hating on someone else and just constantly finding their faults and constantly complaining about them is never going tuh bring you true happiness it really isn't and so think about you know yourself and like what you can do differently and try tuh bring the positive and so yeah I haven't been as vulnerable lately because it's been hard tuh be very honest tuh just share like my heart and then people are just going tuh attack me for it you know I'm sure but um but my goal in sharing this if we end up sharing this is that it helps the one person out there or I'm sure several really who are in the same exact boat who are you know trying tuh keep a friend that they've had forever but that friend's just not there or trying tuh maintain a relationship with one of your parents or your siblings or it shouldn't be hard it shouldn't be and you shouldn't have tuh change who you are and if you do then that's really just not the right person for you and, and you can talk tuh them about it of course and then if they're just combative, at the end of the day, I just say the best advice is find a therapist, and this book called Boundaries, and it's a little religious, and also a little kind of like, whoa, but I'm telling you, Chapter One, just give it – if you don’t' like it after that, don't even try, but like Chapter One, I was like, wow, I can see so much of myself in this, and I can see how could change, and I've got tuh promise you that it's been hurt along the way, but I have – we have, and our family has more positive days now than stressful, trying tuh like pull people in who don't really want tuh be there, trying tuh help them remember because they're gonna forget, like it's just – like yesterday was like the least stressful day ever, and we didn't have one person coming tuh our – or even Mother's Day, it was just us four, and you know, before I had kids, and I think – I saw someone else write this, but like before I had kids, I looked at the world as like everyone I encountered, and how can I be helpful tuh them, and that – like, but now it's like my world is my husband and my children. My world is within my four walls, and how do I love them and support them the best that I possible can, tuh help them become good – eventually like good husbands, a good wife, good mothers, good fathers, and good, good family members, and so …
DOUG IS SO PROUD OF HER AND THINKS SHE SHOULD ALSO BE PROUD OF HERSELF BECAUSE OF "HOW MUCH YOU HAVE GROWN FROM PEOPLE STARTING TO COMMENT ON SOCIAL MEDIA, AND YOU TRYING TO BRING THEM BACK OVER TO YOUR SIDE TO RECOGNIZING THE TOXICITY OF IT, AND SETTING BOUNDARIES." HE HAS TO TELL HER THAT IN THE PAST COUPLE OF YEARS, SHE HAS "SPREAD MORE POSITIVITY, IN MY MIND, THAN ANYBODY, FOCUSING ON BEING THANKFUL AND GRATEFUL," AND A MESSAGE SHE IS PASSING ONTO THE KIDS WHO ARE REALLY STARTING tuh THINK ABOUT IT AND FOCUS ON IT, AND IT'S "DRIVEN BY YOU."
MORE RASPY WHINY TEARY VOICE: Oh, Gosh, Doug's that's the nicest comment that I could have ever received because I really want that for them … yeah, because I – because we could all fall into that where you see the negative and you just kind of focus on that, and I'm trying so hard not to, and tuh just – you know, pray more, and even meditate, and that has nothing tuh do with prayer, but like just rewire my brain tuh like the positive things and finding the positive and helping others, also because – honestly, and I want tuh raise my kid where they are not seeing the negative, they're seeing the positive in situations because life, regardless of who loves you, how much money you have, what home you live in, what car you drive, life is so much better when you're able tuh see the positive and you're able to, like lean into that more, and you're able tuh then attract people who are like that, and the Negative Nellies are just going tuh always be there talking their smack about you, and that's fine, but like, if you can find the positive, you can focus on that, and you're going tuh have such a happier life, and the Negative Nellies, unfortunately, like I still pray for them, I still hope for them, because it's sad – like they're not living a happy life. You can't be a hater tuh all these people and be happy. It's sad.
DOUG THINKS THEY ARE "living proof of it, because once we started tuh focus on happy, once we started focusing on being thankful and grateful, the people that we attracted are the people that we would want tuh be with … didn't happen overnight, but as soon as we started tuh rethink that, and really try tuh be positive and do positive things, and our prayers and with the kids and being thankful and finding good, and gratitude, you know, we attracted people into our lives that, you know, are going tuh be there – I mean, I feel these are now lifelong friends, and you know, all of that was attracted, and there has got tuh be something tuh that."
THE END, THEY MUST GO PICK UP THEIR DAUGHTER BUT ONLY AFTER THE FIVE-STAR REVIEW AND THEN "SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!"
DELUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSIONAL – THE BOTH OF THEM! And according to the AI program Jamie talks more than 90 percent of the time, and Dud, hardly ever.

Hey everyone I'm 21 F from Madhya Pradesh, I come from a middle class family. I have two members in my family my mom and younger brother. Dad passed away when I was 17. I had a gap between my two front teeth (a condition called mid line diastema). People used to mock me for my gap, I used to feel conscious smiling for pictures. I always wished for a beautiful smile, my teeth were white and healthy, the only concern was the gap.
My dentsist told me that it can be treated through any of the three options ,braces, filling and crowns. He told me that braces would take three years for the result and that the composite filling would break if I eat and for crowns he said that it would last 15 years and then to be replaced.
I agreed for crowns as I did not want braces as it would have affected my other teeth as well. Also my dentist had told me that by capping/ crowning these teeth the diastema won't increase.
My dentist did not inform me that crowning healthy teeth may compromise it's strength and life and there is future possibilities of the development of infection or decay or the teeth needing root canal.
He said that he is just gonna trim them. He gave me anaesthesia and shaved my teeth so much that the outer layer (enamel) of the teeth was all gone. I felt so bad for my teeth but still I thought that maybe this is the part of the process.
After that he took impression of my mouth for zirconia crown. He did not take any x ray prior the treatment or post the treatment.
The dentist was recommended to me by my bestfriend who herself had a bridge placed from the same dentist. She recommended me the dentist.
After I got my teeth trimmed, next day she called me and told me not to get treatment done from him as he is not good. I felt so baad and angry at her but because the treatment had already begun and my teeth. were already trimmed so I no option to go back.
My dentist place a zirconia bridge(two crowns joined on my front teeth) for first week it used to pain a lot. I was not happy with the pain but still I beared it got my bite adjusted. I started having TMJ issues after that. My other teeth used to hurt as well due to the crowns so I decided to consult another dentist.
when I consulted another dentist she told me About the risks of the treatment I had undergone. Till now I was unaware of the risks. She told me that as my bridge is placed without any prior root canal it is prone to be lost in next 6-7 years. I cried so much.
My upper lip now looks raised as I had overbite but instead of suggesting me to correct my bite first he persuaded me for crowns.
After this I posted a negative review calling the dentist scam, he called me and threatened me to remove the review.Also he defends himself by saying that he did the treatment I wished for. I have realised now that the dentist has surely did this for money.
Ever since then I am worried about my teeth, they still hurt so much. I don't smile anymore. My intention was never to harm these teeth. I curse myself everyday now for having this done to my teeth. I cry so much. My appetite has reduced. I'm scared that I'm going to loose these teeth early in next 10 years. I'm too young to loose these teeth. I now have no courage left.
I know that I'm not the only one struggling with physical ailments and there are many other unfortunate people who are suffering more than me. But to accept the fact that I have made such a major mistake that is going to have such serious consequences is unbearable to me. How can I live with blaming myself everyday? I have lost faith not only in the world but myself as I feel that I am good for nothing and anyone can trick. I worry for myself as how am I gonna survive in this world? I wish if my dad was here to protect me than this would have never happened.
I have lost faith in the only bestfriend I have as she recommended me the same dentist and also encouraged me for getting the treatment done even when she herself has undergone the similar treatment six months before I got mine, and is facing the same problems. Now she says that she never knew that these problems were gonna occur to me aswell.
I have no one to share my pain as I know whoever I share with is going to blame me for getting the treatment done. But no one is ever going to understand the pain I'm going through. Now I'm also worried what if this causes any problem in me getting married. For any girl her beauty matters but I myself have ruined mine. I am all alone into this can't share with mom as she herself gets worried. I can't trouble her more. I don't know how am I going to live with these teeth for my entire life.
I would appreciate your honest views on my situation, I know I'm stupid and naive. I hate myself for this stupidity.