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Intro (Timestamp: 1:47) - Rachel: Welcome back to another episode of Rachel Goes Rogue. This is your host, Rachel Savannah Leviss. Today, we are talking about part three of the Vanderpump Rules reunion. - Rachel: It has finally come to an end, season 11. It's been a long time coming, and we're here to react. I have my producers with me, and as usual, they will be asking me some questions to get my perspective on what we just watched during the reunion.
Well, first of all, I want to start off with asking you just your overall thoughts on the reunion, watching it. How do you feel? (Timestamp: 2:19) - Rachel: Overall, I just feel tired at this point. I don't enjoy watching this show, and (Rachel starts to get emotional) I'm just happy that it's over. It was good that they didn't talk about me very much this last episode, part three. - Rachel: That's great, but it's been really difficult watching each week. And I feel like I can finally start to move on from all of this, because it's been really difficult. It was really heavy and sad. - Rachel: And I think everyone on that cast is struggling. And I would be too if I was there. I mean, I'm struggling just watching it from the sidelines, so I can only imagine what it's like being on that stage.
So you're getting really emotional right now. Where is this emotion coming from? (Timestamp: 3:28) - Rachel: It's coming from a place of feeling like I haven't had much room to go. Feeling like stuck between a rock and a hard place, so to speak. Because this entire time, I have been preparing for them to slander my name, to paint me in the worst light. - Rachel: And my goal with this podcast was to be able to represent myself, to defend myself, to share what I've learned through my time that I took away and my recovery, and just to shed more light on the situation. - Rachel: And it hasn't been easy. It's been an extreme rollercoaster of emotions in a lot of different phases, getting sucked back into it, and then feeling like all consumed by all the comments and everything, and then completely cutting off communication with the outside world and living in my own reality in the moment. It's all about that balance, and it has not been easy to move on. - Rachel: I don't think it's been easy for any of the cast to move on rehashing it and talking about it and having other people tune in. It's not typical. It's not normal. And the day has finally come that the show, season 11, is over, and it's a relief to me because I don't have to keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. - Rachel: I don't have to think about what lies they're going to spread about me, and I don't have to think about what I need to defend myself about. And then following week, I feel like I can finally start to live my life again.
And so you're kind of talking about the boundaries that you've been setting by staying away and cutting people off, which obviously boundaries was a really big topic at the reunion. You obviously set some really strong ones by not returning to the show. What's your take on this discussion of boundaries? Do you agree with Lala or do you side more with Ariana when it comes to boundaries when it's in regard to filming the show? (Timestamp: 5:40) - Rachel: I could see both of their points of view. Setting a boundary for yourself is not an easy thing to do. And when other people are upset that you set a boundary for yourself, that's usually a telltale sign that that person is using you in some way and is not happy that you have this new boundary because it's not serving them. - Rachel: So, I can see why Ariana upholded her boundaries by not speaking to Tom, even though she actually did film with Tom this whole season, or for the later part anyway. But she refused to have that conversation with Tom at the end of the show, and I commend her for it because it would have been a fake conversation. You could tell that Tom, his only motive to having that conversation with her is for camera purposes and storyline purposes. - Rachel: Therefore, it's not an authentic conversation. It would have been crocodile tears, the whole thing. And I completely understand Ariana walking away. I walked away too, and people weren't happy about that either. - Rachel: For Lala's point of view, I can understand her perspective in wanting to have a good TV show for her livelihood and the longevity of her career. If you're going to commit to filming, then I can see why Lala is upset, because you are not only committing to filming with this person, I can see her point in that she is living under the same roof as Tom. - Rachel: They're living together, they're filming together, yet in Lala's eyes, Ariana is being stubborn by not filming with Tom, or that one scene. Who even cares about that one scene? I don't know. - Rachel: It's all so silly to me, but boundaries are important. I was in a place where I didn't have boundaries, and I was really trying to appease production and put on a good show. That became my priority season 10.
And where do you think the line needs to be drawn, you know? When at the end of the day, this is a paycheck and this is a job, versus this is someone's real life. You've talked a lot about wanting to live in reality. Where do you think that line should be drawn? (Timestamp: 8:32) - Rachel: I think that's an impossible question to answer when you're filming a reality TV show, because the line is so blurry, it's impossible to know what's real and what's not. And the more I'm out of it, the clearer I can see that. We see it with Tom Sandoval when he talked about production. - Rachel: He did the New York Times article, and he stopped talking mid sentence when a plane flew over or a truck drove by, whatever it was, because the audio, typically when we're filming a show and a plane flies by, you stop talking so that the audio can pick up normally without the distraction in the background. - Rachel: So it's like programmed in your mind to think a certain way, to act a certain way, to talk a certain way, to pursue certain things, where it becomes a part of your patterning. We also see the lines get blurred with Scheana and the comment section, and what is real life and what is not, what is her own true motivation for doing certain things, and what is influenced by outside commentary. - Rachel: That gets so blurry, and when you're all consumed in the perception of yourself, how can you really be sure that you're operating from a place of an inner knowing? That's a boundary that's blurred. With Lala, she clearly prioritizes the success of the show because she wants to secure her paycheck, and when people are setting boundaries for themselves and it's conflicting with what she wants and what is successful in her eyes, that sparks an anger within her. - Rachel: And it's all fabricated to a certain point because the bottom line is this show. So, I think it truly is impossible to live a real life and be on a reality TV show.
So, do you think it's fair for Lala to direct that anger towards Ariana? Or do you think she should be directing it more towards the show? (Timestamp: 11:12) - Rachel: Oh, no, not at all. I don't think that it's fair that Lala is directing that anger towards Ariana because Ariana has been very clear with her boundaries since the very beginning and…
I guess if she's feeling this way, do you think maybe she should have upheld her boundaries more if she was feeling so resentful towards someone doing the same? Do you think she's feeling like she regrets things that she had said in the past? (Timestamp: 11:35) - Rachel: I think she did uphold her boundaries. I think that she feels like she hasn't been supported the same way that Ariana is being supported. And it's probably not a good feeling, but she maneuvered differently than Ariana has. And Lala doesn't extend the same empathy towards others. So it's harder to support her, I believe.
She does make a point to say, many times, that she feels like things are not being honest on camera. She points out Tom and Ariana’s relationship being one of those things. Katie has a flashback moment where she also calls it out. Do you agree that things are not always honest on camera? (Timestamp: 12:12) - Rachel: Totally. Yeah. I think the point that Lala is making is that Tom and Ariana haven't been honest about their relationship on camera. - Rachel: And I think people are getting caught up in Lala being hypocritical because she wasn't honest about her relationship with Randall. Okay, yes, that might be true. But the point is that Tom and Ariana haven't been good for quite some time. - Rachel: And their relationship that was portrayed on camera for fans to see was not an accurate representation of their relationship. I see the frustration because I agree with that too.
Even on your part, how does it affect you as someone on the show when people aren't fully honest on camera? How does that affect the rest of the cast? (Timestamp: 13:21) - Rachel: Yeah, it affects everyone when people aren't fully honest on the show. I mean, I wasn't fully honest the season 10 reunion. I was still covering up for Tom Schwartz. - Rachel: I was still covering up for Tom Sandoval. I was still going along with that narrative, and it would have been much better to just be open and honest about it. But of course, Tom was like, no, that wouldn't be good for business. - Rachel: It wouldn't be good for Schwartz and Sandys if people knew that the Schwartz kiss wasn't authentic and we need that to seem real. So it does affect everyone when you're not being honest, because it portrays a certain picture that isn't reality, and the whole point of reality TV supposedly is to be real, following these real people's lives. - Rachel: So honesty would be like the most important value characteristic you would think that everyone on this show should have. But it seems like nobody does.
Well, speaking of honesty, Ariana kind of called out Tom and his motives behind wanting to apologize on camera. He finally does get that moment during the reunion to apologize to Ariana. He has some words when he does, he calls the affair something he regrets every day. He says that he wears it like a badge of shame. On your end, how did that feel watching that? (Timestamp: 14:46) - Rachel: It's hard to tell if Tom is being honest or not. Even in the Secrets Revealed episode, when he was asked how many girls he had sex with since me, and he had to pause and think about if he was going to be honest or not, he's just been caught in so many lies that it's hard to tell if he's being truthful. - Rachel: But hearing Tom say that he regrets getting involved with me every single day, I regret it too, so it is a little bit painful, but it's also like maybe something is registering for him. - Rachel: I don't know. But then again, his actions speak a lot louder than his words. He knows what words to say, and then it seems that he fails to follow through with meaningful action. And that's where true amends come into play.
There was just, I feel like, a lot of pain in the room all around. You kind of acknowledged that at the beginning of this episode. What do you think that this pain, and even Lala saying that she was okay seeing some of those friendships end, what do you think that means for the future of this group? (Timestamp: 16:07) - Rachel: I don't see much of the future for this group. It looks pretty shattered. It looks like these friendships are not healthy friendships. - Rachel: The dynamic between Lala and Scheana is not a healthy dynamic. It seems to be like a power imbalance. It seems like Scheana is trying to appease Lala to make sure she's secure, and she's getting certain needs met in that friendship because Ariana hasn't been around for Scheana the way that she's used to. - Rachel: Yeah, you could tell that Scheana’s struggling with coping with that. It seems like Lala's really on a wavelength of not effing with anybody on the cast right now. It seems like her friendship with Katie isn't strong because Katie's gotten really close with Ariana. - Rachel: It seems like even her friendship with Scheana is a little rocky. I think she sees Scheana as someone that's not...How do I want to say this? - Rachel: And I hate saying this word, because I don't want to like categorize somebody as something, especially because I've been called this before too. But I think seeing how Lala reacted to everything and how Scheana was trying to be the fixer and appease Lala, and it just didn't seem like enough for Lala. I think Lala sees Scheana as someone who is weak, perceived weakness. - Rachel: I'm not saying that Scheana is weak. And I think that there's a lot of alliances and manipulation happening, and none of that is healthy for our friendship dynamic. I can see why the show is taking a hiatus, because it just seems so fractured
Well, it definitely seems like at the very end of the episode, Scheana was very sure to get that last word in. I felt like she was looking directly at Lala and almost begging for her to hear her out that she was on her side. And it really did seem like the very end, Scheana had to choose. Is she Team Ariana or Team Lala? Do you think she made the right choice? Do you think she needed to make a choice, or do you think that she's putting this pressure on herself? (Timestamp: 18:21) - Rachel: Ooh, that's a good question. I think she feels a lot of pressure from the outside perspective, and she doesn't want to, obviously, like burn bridges with Ariana or anything. And I think Ariana has been very gracious towards Scheana. Do I think that she needed to choose sides? I don't think so. I don't know. - Rachel: I can see Lala's frustration probably because I'm sure Sheena and Lala have had conversations about the whole situation. And without Ariana there, I'm sure Sheena's singing a much different tune than what we're hearing at the reunion, and that's sparking some frustration in Lala. And I'm sure that was a similar feeling when she called out Katie about it too. - Rachel: So yeah, I think that Lala feels pretty isolated, I want to say, in her feelings. And now that it's aired, and I did check Reddit for the first time in a very, very long time, it seems like the majority of people are hating on Lala right now. I'm human. - Rachel: I do hold some resentment towards Lala for the way that she's treated me over the years. I do empathize with her a little bit because all the hate online is just a little bit ridiculous. And I think also people are afraid to speak a differing opinion than the team Ariana side because people are just ruthless online and they don't want to hear a differing opinion. - Rachel: And if you do, then you get shunned out, too. It's very, my therapist calls it tribal shaming, where if you're not following the rules of the tribe, spoken or unspoken, then you're cast out and you're shunned.
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I mean, it does feel like the fans have had more of an impact on this season than ever. Would you agree with that? (Timestamp: 23:24) - Rachel: Yeah, especially because as they were filming this show, the fans were boots on the ground. We're going to production, we're going to filming, and we're going to take photos and document what we saw and all that stuff. Like it was very interactive in a way. - Rachel: I think with after show this year, it was a little bit different because some things have changed since the ending of filming last summer. One of the things was me starting my own podcast and speaking freely about my experience and my opinion and the after show gave the cast an opportunity to rebut what I was saying and it provided more of a context. - Rachel: And I think with more time passing from the end of filming last summer to, you know, early January, February of this year, when they filmed the after shows, cast dynamics shifted because as we all know, now watching the finale, Lala and Ariana did not end on a good note whatsoever. - Rachel: And so, you know, she had some choice of words to say during the after shows. And it seemed like she really got Sheena to support her with that.
Speaking about the fracturing of this cast, something about her did recently open. Not many cast members were in attendance to this opening. What's your take on that? (Timestamp: 24:56) - Rachel: Interesting. Do you know who went? - iHeart Lady: I know Schwartz went - Rachel: It seems a little telling that maybe Sheena and Lala aren't on the best terms with Ariana right now, because they went to like the Broadway opening that Ariana did for Chicago. And they also went to Dancing with the Stars. But this is all before they knew that she didn't watch the show. And so that was all before the reunion and everything. So yeah, it seems like maybe they're not on the best of terms right now.
What are your thoughts on production holding the last five minutes until the reunion to show to everyone? (Timestamp: 25:47) - Rachel: I wonder if they got word that Ariana wasn't watching the season. And they did that as a way to ensure that they would get a reaction from her, kind of like forcing her hand a little bit, forcing her into a situation that she did not want to be in. It was very strategic in that way. And it was something new. Like, we've never done that before. It was creative, for sure, on production's part.
Do you think it was fair to Ariana? (Timestamp: 26:27) - Rachel: There's a commitment, and part of that is watching the show and having an opinion on what's happening besides your own story that you're sharing. So in a way, it's like ensuring that Ariana did have an opinion on it. So very eye opening, to say the least.
I want your take on Tom's final words. He says, I love it. It's good for me. A lot of people in the room were very shocked by that. Tom even has a reaction to it, where he shakes his head no. They didn't even really press him on what he meant by that either. What's your take on all of that? (Timestamp: 26:49) - Rachel: I wish they pressed him on what he meant by that a little bit more. And Ariana was pretty much the only person that called him out on it too. She caught it. - Rachel: She was like, that exactly proves my point, that you are doing things for the audience, for the production value, and for his own story purposes. I guess in Tom's eyes, having Ariana refuse to film and walk off was good for him because he felt like he completed his job and fulfilled his duty with what production was asking from him. And Ariana was not. - Rachel: And I think selfishly, he probably thought that it would give him a better chance of having more of a redemption story. - Rachel: Because, ultimately, production is the one picking and choosing what they're going to share on the show and edit and put certain music behind certain scenes to make it seem even more of a certain way. Tom knows how to play into that. But I would have loved to hear what his explanation for that comment would be.
Why do you think they didn't press him? (Timestamp: 28:34) - Rachel: I think that they're protecting him, like they always have been.
We did see something interesting at the very end with Lisa stepping up and taking Ariana's side, which is kind of a different tune. You've talked about this before, where she seems to protect the guys a lot of the time, but then she changes her tune at the very end of the episode and takes Ariana's side. What are your thoughts on that? (Timestamp: 28:39) - Rachel: I think Lisa is very strategic with what she puts out there as well. And she knows what people are saying about her, with her always supporting the guys. So that could have been a motivation behind her changing her tune and supporting Ariana in that way. Yeah, I don't know. It's hard because I think also Lisa is very aware of who the fan favorites are. It's her show. - Rachel: She's an executive producer on this show. So she's not a dummy when it's coming to that. I think it helps her if she is supporting Ariana because she'll praise Ariana for walking away and end up holding her boundaries. - Rachel: But then when it comes to me, I don't even remember what she said about me. But when it comes to me walking away and setting a boundary for myself, I've been told that I'm a coward and I'm running away from my problems. - Rachel: So that part for me gets a little frustrating because it's like, and also the fans praising Ariana for upholding her boundaries and walking away and supporting her and telling her like, you know, she's outgrown this show. - Rachel: She should move on and do something even better with her life. And she's finding out now that these aren't her true friends and like good for her for upholding her boundaries and walking away from this situation. And I've done the same thing and it has been met with scrutiny.
Lala compares her situation with Randall to Ariana a lot throughout this reunion. Do you think the two are similar at all? (Timestamp: 30:37) - Rachel: I don't think that the relationship that Lala had with Randall is comparable to the situation that Tom and Ariana were in. It's hard to get on Lala's side with some of the things that she's saying, because the way that she spoke about her relationship with Randall is like bragging about doing BJs for PJs and getting gifted a Range Rover very early in their relationship and not being honest about who she was seeing and the situation that was happening basically. And it just seemed like she was in it for the money and like to secure her success and fame. - Rachel: So it's hard to get behind that, especially when she's been so outright about it. Unfortunately, Randall wasn't the stand up guy that she was selling him to be. We weren't buying it. - Rachel: In Ariana's case, viewers got to see that relationship develop over the years, whereas with Lala's, he wasn't around, like it was secret for a while. And, you know, it's harder to develop feelings towards a person or a relationship when you're not seeing it play out on camera. I think Lala has a lot of anger, maybe even towards herself, for the situation that she allowed herself to be in. And I think she might be taking that out on Ariana.
How hard is it to be really honest when you're in this position? And do you think certain cast members have an easier time doing this? (Timestamp: 32:22) - Rachel: So this is like where your own values come in. Like, are you an honest person or are you not? Because there are people in this cast that are not, and we know who they are, and they have no problem lying, and it doesn't bother them when they lie. - Rachel: And for me, I'm working towards living a more authentic, honest life. And part of that is being honest with my emotions, thoughts, and feelings, and expressing that, and doing that in a way that is still respectful, because I'm not trying to hurt people in the process. And I am trying to express myself honestly and be true to myself. - Rachel: So I think it just depends on who you're asking. I mean, it's definitely not easy. It's definitely hard because you're on this platform, this public arena where you're opening yourself up to scrutiny. - Rachel: And if other people have differing opinions than you do, or if your opinion is the minority, you're basically going to be harassed and scrutinized. And so sometimes for people, it's easier to not be fully honest with their thoughts and feelings in order to save face or in order to go with more popular opinion because it's perceived to be safer that way. But I don't know. - Rachel: At this point, it's like your words aren't going to hurt me. You can say whatever you want to say about me online, and I've survived this far. So whatever else you say about me is not going to affect me any more than it already has. - Rachel: I've developed thick skin through this process, and I've come to the point where I value my friendships that are real in the sense of I interact with these people in real life. I care more about people's perception of me when they actually meet me and interact with me and the vibes I give off that way. So you get to a certain point where it's almost your duty to show up for yourself and be honest with how you feel and how you think about a certain thing in that moment. - Rachel: And your opinions can change with time too and with more information. It's not like I'm going to say this one thing and I'm always going to feel this way. It's always changing, it's always developing, we're always getting more information, and we're always experiencing new things that change our perspective on life. - Rachel: So it's just your duty to represent yourself in the most authentic way so that your people will find you.
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Well, I think there was one kind of shining moment, I'll say, even though it was a really emotional moment. But the moment between, and this is a little bit of a pivot, but the moment between Schwartz and Katie, I found really interesting, where Andy was asking about their relationship. It seemed like this season, they had a little bit more of a playful dynamic. But Schwartz gets really emotional, saying that he doesn't regret how their relationship ended. But you can kind of see in his eyes that he tears well up. He gets really emotional. What did you make of that moment? (Timestamp: 38:08) - Rachel: We don't think we've really seen a moment like that between Tom, Schwartz, and Katie. It really seems like they've come to terms with how the relationship ended, and that it was for the best. But it seemed like there was a lot of fond memories and just appreciation for one another, that I don't think I've really seen that dynamic between them before. - iHeart Lady: To me, it seemed like in a season where there was a lot of hurt, that seemed like the one moment of maybe seeing two people that are going through the process of healing. - Rachel: Viewing that, it did seem like they were both coming from a place of healing, because they weren't throwing insults at each other or trying to bring each other down. It was very respecting one another and appreciating the moments that they did have together while it lasted. And that's refreshing to see on this show.
Lala said something at the very end where she said it was really hard for her to show up to season nine reunion, I believe it was. You know, she didn't want to talk about certain things, but she showed up. Ariana said the same thing where she could say the same about the season 10 reunion. She didn't want to be there. You could probably say the same thing about the season 10 reunion. You didn't want to be there as well. Is it fair to say everyone's been in a position where they didn't want to be somewhere, but they did anyway? (Timestamp: 39:44) - Rachel: 100%. Yeah, totally. And that's like the part of committing to this show. It's a commitment. And even though you don't quite know what you're signing up for, you know that it's not going to be necessarily easy. And there's a challenge in that. - Rachel: And I think, just speaking for myself, there was an opportunity for growth for me in that. Yeah, I think we've all been in a situation where we didn't want to show up for something and felt, I don't think obligated is the right word, but we made a commitment to being there, and we followed through with our commitment. And it's hard.
You started this episode off by acknowledging that there was a lot of healing that this cast needs to do. As someone who has taken a step back from filming, you've had this time to kind of come back to your own reality. What can this cast expect when you have that moment to kind of breathe and have that separation and you rejoin reality for a minute? (Timestamp: 41:07) - Rachel: Oh, okay. That is a loaded question. Because I think that there's a little bit of fear with not being the current topic of conversation. - Rachel: I think addiction is the wrong word, but there's a little bit of the dopamine hits that you get when you're being talked about on a reality TV show and the fear of that going away permanently could be a scary thing. But taking time off and re-centering with yourself, I think is like the best thing for this cast right now, because we don't want to be forced into situations that we don't want to be in. That's not living an authentic life. - Rachel: I mean, I've been worrying about scenes and storylines, and I haven't even been a part of this show, but now it feels good not to worry about that. And I do have to say, just like reading all the comments on Reddit right now, it's like hardly anybody is talking about me, which is a great feeling. It's just so much more freeing when you're not living your life for somebody else's entertainment anymore. - Rachel: It just feels like you get your life back a little bit. It's so complex, and I think it's hard to understand if you haven't been through being on a TV show for millions of people to comment on and judge your life. I don't think humans are meant for that, and there's no way that that's healthy. - Rachel: Yeah, I said that I think the cast, we have a lot of healing to do. We, as in, I still do too, and part of that is coming back to reality. And I really don't think that we've had a minute this whole season. I think it's going to be good for everyone.
Has this year though felt different to you? I feel like you're like half in, half out (Timestamp: 43:42) - Rachel: Oh, yeah, it's felt so different. But I think like a large part of that has to do with going to the meadows and really reconnecting with myself and learning about my issues and how it was showing up for me and really coming to terms with like, what is this piece of external validation and how is that motivating me? And is it even real? - Rachel: And just like really re centering back into myself and gaining a lot more perspective with that. Without the meadows, I would not be where I am right now. There's no freaking way. So it is. I'm living a new life. I really am. - Rachel: And I feel like I haven't really been able to truly have the opportunity to live my new life to the fullest because this show has been holding me back. And I know that that's partially my fault too because I'm indulging and speaking about it, but I'm really looking forward to the days when I can truly move forward and evolve into something even more magnificent.
Outro (Timestamp: 45:02) - Rachel: Thank you so much for listening to Rachel Goes Rogue. Follow us on Instagram and TikTok for exclusive video content at Rachel Goes Rogue Podcast.
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I changed jobs this year and my new employer doesn’t offer a 401k. My 401k with my previous employer has ~$155,000 in it and is invested in a Fidelity 2060 target date fund. The expense ratio is 0.08%, but they also charge a quarterly record keeping and advisor fee of ~$15 as well.
Currently, my husband and I max out our Roth IRAs every year. We are just below the income limits, but with raises, bonuses, etc we could go over in the future so I want to keep the back door Roth option open if we need it.
Should I keep my 401k where it is and just eat the fees or roll it over into an IRA and lose the back door Roth option?

Oh Hey i didnt see you there, hoe are you doing today? (Hahaha funny joke) anyway....
Im from the capital of Scotland and I play probably way too many video games, my main game at the moment is tarkov but then it varies heavily.
I watch a bunch of anime and other stuff as well and overall just very nerdy/geeky. I just got an interview date for a new job so thats exciting... anyhow im rambling again!
If you want to chat about whatever, whenever shoot me a message! I hope you all are having wonderful days!

Hello Dr. K and the HealthyGamer community,
I am seeking advice, support, and insights on how to emotionally separate and individuate from my parents later in life, which I should have done much earlier. The adult part of me knows what I need to do, but there's also a part of me that is frightened. Let me give you a snapshot of my life trajectory. The story is long, but I want to provide as much context as possible. If you prefer a short summary of my dilemma, please skip to the last paragraph. Otherwise, here is my life story:
I grew up in a well-to-do family in an East Asian country. My parents had me in their early 20s, just as their business began to flourish during the 'boom years.' Both came from very broken families. My mother experienced poverty, abuse, and neglect from her parents (she did not speak to her dad until he died and almost never acknowledges her mother). My father was the least favorite child in his family of three, dropped out of high school, ended up on the streets, and, as I learned a few years ago, was later imprisoned for fighting. My parents met when my mother was 19 and my father 21, ran away together, and built a very successful business in their early to mid-20s, becoming incredibly wealthy in a generally poor society.
Although we were affluent, my parents were never around. I started boarding at age 3 and spent most of my time outside school with my paternal grandparents and occasionally my maternal grandmother. My parents fought a lot. My mother once threatened to take me away and drove off with me with no specific destination. At one point, she told me she was divorcing my father, and we moved into another apartment for a day before returning home. She emotionally smothered me, saying she would die for me and that no one would love me as much as she did. She also hit me often over small things, sometimes in public. I thought she was better than my father, who, according to her, would remarry quickly if she left or died, subjecting me to abuse from an evil stepmother.
Despite our wealth, my mother took me out of an international school after six months and sent me to a state school known for being strict and militant. I was a 'good, smart kid' in primary school, but around age 12 or 13, I became very depressed and felt life had no purpose. I failed almost all my subjects except History and started drinking, influenced by my father's heavy drinking and a culture that tolerated alcoholism.
Then something happened that saved me in retrospect. My family emigrated to an Anglophone New World country, and I went to another boarding school. Despite experiencing racism and feeling self-conscious about my appearance, I improved academically and, by years 12 and 13, was among the best students. Between ages 13-18, I saw my father rarely, perhaps once or twice a year. My mother visited periodically, and they bought a house near the school, where I lived mostly alone. Like many first-generation immigrant kids, I handled most family matters because my parents couldn't speak English.
When it was time for university, I wanted to study law and politics at the local public university, but my father insisted I go to the UK or the US, believing a degree from the local university would not lead to a good job. He also prevented me from taking a gap year. I regret not leaving home to get a job. I applied to many universities and chose the worst-ranked one in London because I wanted to be in the city.
University was eye-opening. I discovered Europe and realized the world was much bigger than the conformist, conservative East Asian country and backwater suburbs I knew. However, my degree didn't prepare me for life, and my emotionally underdeveloped state made me miserable in adult relationships. I chose emotionally distant or abusive friends, hurt people who liked me, and did no internships or travel because I was expected to help my family during holidays. I wanted to stay in London, looked for random jobs, but had no life skills or work experience. Eventually, I returned to East Asia.
By then, my father had moved to a more cosmopolitan East Asian city, living extravagantly. I interned at a fancy company for almost a year, hoping for a job offer that never came. I soon found a job in brand consulting and finally started earning money at 23. I had a relationship with an older woman, but I was still emotionally detached. I tried freelancing, learned to impress others, and almost made enough to support myself, but I was fundamentally lost and unhappy. I experienced my first depressive episode and decided to return to London for a Master's degree. My father agreed to fund my education.
That year was the happiest of my life. I loved university, research, and being with smart, nerdy people. I met an intelligent, caring, and beautiful woman, and we moved in together. I discovered more fulfilling ways to live and found that success didn't mean working for an investment bank or being rich. I wanted to be an academic, applied for a PhD, and got in after two attempts.
Academia wasn't all rosy. The work conditions were awful, and the publish-or-perish mentality sucked the joy out of research. I loved teaching but quickly learned it mattered little at a 'research university.' I gained weight, my relationship deteriorated, arguments turned physical, and I felt worthless. The pandemic made things worse, and I felt I needed to radically change my life. My solution was to become the person my family wanted: filial, loyal, and rich. I was ready to abandon my life in London and move back to East Asia to 'stop being a loser.'
I returned home, trying to fix my family and shower them with love. I interned at a VC firm, but it clashed with my values, and I cried every day at work. I broke up with my girlfriend for someone with no emotional attachment, leading to great sex but zero intimacy. Within three months, I was broke, living in a short-term rental, and eating unhealthily. Fortunately, I had a therapist, a good friend in Shanghai, and my girlfriend gave me a second chance. I realized my family's emotional neglect contributed to my unhappiness and depression. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and medicated, which helped me move out of paralysis. I confronted my family about their past actions and my diagnosis. My mother reacted poorly, calling me names and accusing me of being a horrible son. This ordeal made me realize I needed to break away from them. What I threw away in London was actually the most valuable: a career, a family, my identity.
After confronting my mother that year, she vowed never to see me again. However, 6-8 months later, she sent me a large sum of money for my birthday. I let her back into my life, partly for financial help but also seeking proof of their love and acceptance. Things improved initially, but soon she started complaining about mistreatment by my partner. Then, my parents promised to buy me a flat and pressured me to get married. I accepted the flat for stability and freedom, ignoring their past behavior. Predictably, the flat became a tool for my mother to control me. She threatened to sue me if my girlfriend moved in and disputed the flat's ownership just weeks before the move-in date. I have a demanding job and spend much of my day dealing with this situation, processing the emotional toll of my mother's actions. I feel unsafe, violated, and confused. I hear a voice telling me this is all my fault and that I'm too weak. I know what I need to do cognitively, but emotionally I'm paralyzed. Do you understand what I mean? What would you do?

Hi all.
Now then, I have a good friend called Tim, he was forced into getting a spiderweb face tattoo on his 18th birthday, what happened was him and his friends went out, Tim got horrendously drunk and his so called friends took him to a backstreet tattoo parlour, one of his so called friends uncles owned the place and gave my friend a face tattoo.
His so called friends took him home and when he woke the next morning and looked in the mirror he nearly fainted in shock, it’s ruined his life, he’s 45 now and if it wasn’t for meeting his girlfriend Beth in 2011 he’d be swinging from a rope in the woods, she saw beyond the tattoo to the person underneath, love bloomed and they now live in a caravan in Sudbury, Tim is a Deliveroo rider, Beth has a small Etsy business.
Anyway things have been going sour, Tim only earns on average around £5 per hour, Beth earns £200 a month, with the rent on the caravan being £500 and with bills and everything this means Beth’s dad has been giving them £800-1000 a month, he owns his own roofing company and employs 9 men so he can well afford it.
The thing is, he detests Tim and calls him a lazy scumbag, Tim is in tears most of the time over it.
Tim has been discriminated against all his life, he’s never held down a job for more than a year or so, he went to an interview for Tesco and Sainsburys, they took one look at his tattoo and basically told him where to go, he was a chef in a country pub and the landlord brought in a new waiter who used to make fun of Tim, my friend told the landlord to sack the waiter, he didn’t, so Tim smashed up the kitchen and walked out, he couldn’t face the abuse from the waiter.
Anyway, Beth was looking online and saw a caravan up for rent in a village outside Chelmsford, it’s slightly cheaper at £475 a month, she could continue her Etsy business and Tim could do his delivering in Chelmsford, they said it would be busier than Sudbury and Tim would earn more money.
They asked me to see what people in Essex think, what would you do if you ordered something and my friend delivered it? He’s got long white hair, worry lines on his face, he’s usually in tears, his clothes are ripped and dirty as he can’t afford new ones and they don’t have a washing machine, and one of the soles is off his trainers.
Would you be pleasant and nice to Tim? Give him a nice tip?
Him and Beth want to know before possibly taking the plunge and moving to Essex.

I got laid off last fall. Still looking. Every time the calendar flips to a new month I can’t believe it. Now it’s June?! After countless hours of applying, interviewing, networking, filling out the same information on a thousand different websites, declaring yet again that I’m not a protected veteran and I’ve never had a disability and my salary expectations are negotiable, for what? I have literally 0 solid prospects at this point. I’ve gotten to the end of multiple interview processes just to be told I’m their top candidate but they’ve decided not to fill the position. Every day I get 3-5 new auto-generated emails telling me I’m not qualified for jobs I’m very obviously qualified for. I’m perpetually ghosted by recruiters. Every head hunter tells me they don’t have anything right now. I’m living off my retirement savings. If this keeps going on, in one year I will literally be flat broke and 46 years old.
It really is hell.

I submitted an employment verification form to Mohela last September for PSLF. I also submitted tax exempt information because I worked for a 501(c)3 from 2021 to 2023.
They never bothered to verify that my job was eligible for PSLF, and I've been transferred to Edfinancial since I'm in the program for PSLF, and I have been since 2017. I had to complain the student loan ombudsman to make them verify my employment from 2016 to 2021, and when I complained about Mohela not certifying my new employer, Mohela sent me a letter basically saying "Complaining doesn't make us do our jobs. Nice try."
Should I resubmit my employer (the 501c3)? Or should I wait until the dust clears in July with Edfinancial? I cannot afford to have two years of PSLF tacked onto the years I already have in the program (2016-2021) and 2023-2024.

Instead of getting home at 5:30, I get home at 7:30. It shouldn't be that big of a deal but my body and mind is going crazy.
We've been on summer hours for a little bit now, and this is the first time I've been scheduled to close 4 days like this. There are three of us, and we've all only had to close 2 times max. I feel this is unfair and that I'm being punished or something...that they want me to quit.
I have work today but I'm full of dread. It's going to impact how I interact with people and I want to just call out. I feel like if I get pushed too far, I'm going to rage quit and then "check out."
This thought/feeling isn't new. Every time something new happens at the job it has this kind of impact on me. I'm trying to rationalize this. My brain thinks it'll always be like this when in reality it'll likely be a once a month thing.
I don't know where I'm going with this. I feel like I'm kinda panicking about work today... because I'm in a bad head space it's going to affect how I interact with people today. But it's been like this. I can't just go calling out every time I feel like this.
I do have another session with my therapist this Wednesday thank God. I'll talk to her about it then. There's something about something new happening on the job that seems to really fuck me up. Literally any time something new happens at work or leads to suicidal ideations. Does anyone else experience this?

Hello All,
I am a bachelor's level social worker. I have been the case manager of an emergency response team that is run by two LCSWs but the program covers four different counties that are all ran by peer recovery coaches. The point of my role was to assist with identifying mental health needs of clients and fulfilling the needs of the clients social determinants of health.
As the years have gone by (2 years ans 4 months) my role has become increasingly more obsolete. I offer to help out in any way that I csn but my supervision has been minimal. I was promised that I would have direct supervision from a LCSW working alongside them but that never happened.
In the past 5 months I have been slowly utilized less and less and seemingly pushed out of decisions that I was supposed to be a part of per my job description. I just so happen to also be in recovery and my anonymity was broken a few months into the job so I chose to disclose that I was in recovery to my supervisor.
The new chief of behavior health has been attempting to make everything uniform across the counties and they never hired another bachelor's level social worker either so I kind of got stuck with the county with the highest amount of need. There was talk of me taking on clients as a recovery coach role in addition to my normal job description. I had a feeling they were going to try to eliminate my position in the past few months but have been hanging on due to the fact that I have severe spinal stenosis that was misdiagnosed as arthritus.
On 5-14 my condition escalated to emergent conditions and I was having trouble getting a hold of my boss so I just went to the ER. When my boss finally called me back she asked me if I was still planning to go to the MAT training the next day to which I replied I had no idea, due to the fact that I was waiting on the neurosurgeon to review my case. She seemed upset that I missed an intake even though I was literally facing permanent nerve damage.
After my surgery I had to call her even though I was on PTO because of a client situation. She chose that time to tell me that they were going to eliminate my position as a case manager and wanted me to take on a peer coach which was obviously upsetting to me at the time. I requested a meeting with her and the chief behavior health officer.
We met on 5-20 and they backtracked and said that my position was not being eliminated but they did want to have me work as a peer coach and eliminate some of my responsibilities. I was told that the coordinator who is a peer coach would be my immediate day to day supervisor but I would still meet with my LCSW supervisor biweekly.
At this point I am applying for other positions as I cannot take any more of this complete and utter lack of respect. However, until then how do I address the NASW code of ethics as a social worker? Peer coaching requires self disclosure which I am not comfortable with entirely. I want to argue to protect my profession but I also can't afford to get fired or quit outright. I feel this is severely unethical to put me in this position. Does anyone have any insight? I am in Indiana if that helps at all.
Thank you.

I started a new job at a plant nursery about a month ago. I did disclose my few limitations with my knee as it's a physical position, but I had not discussed my disability. I have a SDiT, she's 9 months old. I had picked this job partly because i thought it would be a good fit for someone with a SD - it's outside, mostly on grass, I don't use machinery all day, etc. I brought up the dog a couple weeks ago once I was getting settled in, and asked if I could gradually introduce her to work on the lighter days - I'm not going to jump straight into telling them that I'm bringing her, as she's obviously still in training and Im trying to be polite about this. The boss said sure we could talk about it. Today is nice weather and I would be mostly waiting on customers and some watering, so I thought it would be a good chance to ask again. Then proceeds this conversation. Feeling really frustrated at the adversity to the dog. I also didn't say I HAD to have her today, just reminding him that I think a day like today IS the easier day to be working with my SD, compared to a day where we're loading and unloading plants etc. This guy loves dogs too, but he's quite old and I think he is still looking at it from more of a "bringing my pet" perspective. He had mentioned a concern about her running out the driveway and it o the road, like I guess he thought I would just have her running around loose and playing the whole time? I was like dude no lmao, shed either be on a handsfree leash, tied in the shade if I'm busy, or on a close off leash heel. I know I just need to have a more in depth discussion with the boss, and mention why I'm training a SD/that I'd used one for almost seven years, etc. This is only a part time job and I'm going back to college for a new degree this fall, so I don't have too much riding on this job, but I really want to make this work. Any advice on broaching the subject gently and explaining why I am comfortable handling a dog while working? I really don't want to bring up the threat of "in a few more months when shes trained on specific tasks you can't refuse us" .
I can't post pics so here's the messages:
Me - Morning, would today be an ok day to bring the pup?
Boss - i think a week day would be better...I'm hoping to be busier-more customers to wait on today
Me - Ok. I think working with customers is the easy part though, it would be harder to have her if I was using equipment or driving up and down the property alot.
Boss - Let's do this.. let's talk Monday about this. So it's ok if you want to take today to stay home with the pup, I understand,no worries!
Me - If you don't want me in today that's fine, but if there's work for me to do I can come.
Boss - I dot have any specific projects today, rain coming (supposedly) 2 or so... I think we'll be ok today.
Maybe he was trying to be supportive of if I needed to be with her for some reason, but feels more like he's just so uncomfortable about the idea and he didn't want to work with me after having told me no today????

So, the patch went out to fix Meridia's bug spawn rates because the numbers weren't playtested thoroughly as they were being worked on (I really suggest getting a group of "Helldiver Insiders" to help with patching and balancing before updates go out to mitigate patch complaints), and it was a challenge despite me having also played on helldive difficulty.
The spawn rates are supposed to be higher even for new players, this is Meridia and we need to take it down. That's not my issue.
But tell me why even when I dropped a gatling and machine gun turret that acted effectively as Shrieker AA, and I still lost all 5 of my reinforcements (yes I was solo diving to test) as I was fighting for my life on extract just to start the sequence?
Even if Arrowhead does not want you to extract, it should still be possible but through great effort and tactical planning. As someone who has played higher difficulties, my stratagems were hand picked knowing the challenge and my difficulty was still low so I could get familiar with the mission type as well as to blow off steam for fun rather than playing in any competitive capacity.
I appreciate the hotfix for spawn rates, but I do feel like AH didn't touch them for sake of the mission and I think they need to add a little P.S. to take care of that issue. While difficult on Trivial I expect that's also their incentive for new players to either have a squad together or to have them learn the game as a real helldiver would: "Good luck, you figure it out!"!
You guys did an amazing job with the initial release of the game, and I know pressure is high since the initial launch was handled in such a stellar way. I love this game and I know you guys do too. Please for the love of God, please fix the Shriekers at the end. I expect the enemies to be overwhelming but not impossible. It may also be a good time to check your damage rates with the shriekers too, balance them before Meridia collapses.

Hello. I was fined 2000€ whilst in hospital (5 months) for late submission of my declaration 625 and listings clients. That wasn’t taken into consideration only that it wasn’t for fraudulent purposes and now from my new job they have already taken 2000€ and I only have the interest to pay and I’m done but I know with a good recourse and a comprehensive judge I can get some of that money back.
I already have an appointment at bureau d’aide juridique but if you know anyone who could signpost me to a lawyer who just wants to help and take an hour of their time to submit those documents I would be really grateful.

I'm launching a new SaaS product and looking for advice on the best social platform to run ads. There are so many options out there, and each has its strengths. Here's what I've gathered so far:

1. LinkedIn: Great for B2B SaaS. You can target specific industries, job titles, and companies, making it easier to reach decision-makers.
2. Facebook/Instagram: Ideal for a broader audience. With advanced targeting options, you can reach users based on interests, behaviors, and demographics. Plus, the visual nature of Instagram can be a huge plus.
3. Twitter: Good for engaging with tech-savvy users and industry influencers. Hashtags and trending topics can help increase visibility.
4. Google Ads: Perfect for capturing high-intent users actively searching for solutions your SaaS offers. It’s not a social platform, but it’s worth mentioning for its effectiveness.
5. Reddit: Can be useful if you target niche communities. Ads need to be very relevant and well-crafted to avoid backlash from users.

What has been your experience with these platforms for SaaS advertising? Any tips on maximizing ROI or targeting the right audience? Looking forward to your insights!

I’m with my bf for 4 years, going into 5 this July. There’s one thing that makes me sick and I can’t forgive easily, and that’s lying. He knows that from the moment we met, I can’t stand lies and I always want the truth even if it’s bad news.
Throughout this years there have been 3 to 4 events where I knew the truth about something, I tried asking him about it and giving him the chance to explain himself to me, but he just straight up lied to me. It was really intense because the first two times I couldn’t give him evidence that I know how things happened so he just continued with a lie. He managed to confess a day after, or even some times months later in a random conversation where we both were “fine” so he felt comfortable saying he was lying back then and that I was right about the events.
He has just started at a new job, where he is the only guy there among other 2 guys and a lot of girls. I had a work opportunity outside our country so at the moment and for 4 months I’m going to be abroad so it’s been even more difficult for us. I catch myself getting insecure sometimes when a woman I don’t know is involved, but I try to soothe myself because I do know he loves me and that I’m being unreasonable with those thoughts. For the whole month that I’m away, we always speak on the phone and two hours pass by with him rambling about work and always defending one specific girl at work. Yesterday, while he was at work, I texted him and he didn’t reply but was active on instagram. I don’t check that in any way and I don’t care, but it happened to show his profile to a friend I met here so I saw he was online and thought “he’s here but doesn’t reply to me” and thought about making fun of it because I do like teasing him. When I was at his profile, the following went up when I refreshed it, and I found out that it was the girl he’s been so much mentioning from work. I’ve already sent him a teasing message, and he replied that he wasn’t on instagram. Then, the story changed to “her sister called him on insta”. That’s a straight up lie because he never speaks on insta with his sister. He sent me screenshot of the “call”, which was made at 17:28 from his part and ended the same time from his part again. But I’ve asked why he doesn’t reply to me at 17:10, where supposedly he was speaking on the phone with his sister. I knew he was on insta to accept the request from this girl from work, so I just wanted him to tell me the truth, it’s not even a big deal. But the way he lied to me and made up stories rather than just saying that made me feel sick. I might overreacting but I physically can’t stand lies, I wouldn’t lie to anyone let alone the person I love. He was keeping up with the lies until the end of the day, even though I have him a lot of chances for him to just say the truth. At midnight, on the phone, he finally said that he was on instagram because this girl sent him a request but that happened during the end of his shift, around 20:00. He was still lying to my face so I just said to him what happened and how I knew the story and knew he was lying the whole time about something so so minor. He finally confessed that all the stories he told me was a lie, and he justify it that he “wasn’t thinking and was an immediate move to lie to me because he kinda felt guilty about it”.
I know it’s a minor issue at the moment of the way it happened, but it has happened before with much bigger problems, I’ve always told him that I can’t respect someone who lies to my face and is fine about it, but I just can’t help myself to think of how he was okay lying, and how many other “lies” I might have believed only because I didn’t know the truth or didn’t have the ways to prove my gut feeling. He says he won’t ever lie to me again and that he don’t want to lose me. I love him and I also don’t want to lose him but I do feel overwhelmed and can’t stop thinking about how he lied straight up and even got offensive when I tried to tell him the truth.
TL/DR: my (22F) bf (27M) lied to me but I knew the truth and I feel overwhelmed of the way he tried to gaslight me.

I’m with my bf for 4 years, going into 5 this July. There’s one thing that makes me sick and I can’t forgive easily, and that’s lying. He knows that from the moment we met, I can’t stand lies and I always want the truth even if it’s bad news.
Throughout this years there have been 3 to 4 events where I knew the truth about something, I tried asking him about it and giving him the chance to explain himself to me, but he just straight up lied to me. It was really intense because the first two times I couldn’t give him evidence that I know how things happened so he just continued with a lie. He managed to confess a day after, or even some times months later in a random conversation where we both were “fine” so he felt comfortable saying he was lying back then and that I was right about the events.
He has just started at a new job, where he is the only guy there among other 2 guys and a lot of girls. I had a work opportunity outside our country so at the moment and for 4 months I’m going to be abroad so it’s been even more difficult for us. I catch myself getting insecure sometimes when a woman I don’t know is involved, but I try to soothe myself because I do know he loves me and that I’m being unreasonable with those thoughts. For the whole month that I’m away, we always speak on the phone and two hours pass by with him rambling about work and always defending one specific girl at work. Yesterday, while he was at work, I texted him and he didn’t reply but was active on instagram. I don’t check that in any way and I don’t care, but it happened to show his profile to a friend I met here so I saw he was online and thought “he’s here but doesn’t reply to me” and thought about making fun of it because I do like teasing him. When I was at his profile, the following went up when I refreshed it, and I found out that it was the girl he’s been so much mentioning from work. I’ve already sent him a teasing message, and he replied that he wasn’t on instagram. Then, the story changed to “her sister called him on insta”. That’s a straight up lie because he never speaks on insta with his sister. He sent me screenshot of the “call”, which was made at 17:28 from his part and ended the same time from his part again. But I’ve asked why he doesn’t reply to me at 17:10, where supposedly he was speaking on the phone with his sister. I knew he was on insta to accept the request from this girl from work, so I just wanted him to tell me the truth, it’s not even a big deal. But the way he lied to me and made up stories rather than just saying that made me feel sick. I might overreacting but I physically can’t stand lies, I wouldn’t lie to anyone let alone the person I love. He was keeping up with the lies until the end of the day, even though I have him a lot of chances for him to just say the truth. At midnight, on the phone, he finally said that he was on instagram because this girl sent him a request but that happened during the end of his shift, around 20:00. He was still lying to my face so I just said to him what happened and how I knew the story and knew he was lying the whole time about something so so minor. He finally confessed that all the stories he told me was a lie, and he justify it that he “wasn’t thinking and was an immediate move to lie to me because he kinda felt guilty about it”.
I know it’s a minor issue at the moment of the way it happened, but it has happened before with much bigger problems, I’ve always told him that I can’t respect someone who lies to my face and is fine about it, but I just can’t help myself to think of how he was okay lying, and how many other “lies” I might have believed only because I didn’t know the truth or didn’t have the ways to prove my gut feeling. He says he won’t ever lie to me again and that he don’t want to lose me. I love him and I also don’t want to lose him but I do feel overwhelmed and can’t stop thinking about how he lied straight up and even got offensive when I tried to tell him the truth.
TL/DR: my (22F) bf (27M) lied to me but I knew the truth and I feel overwhelmed of the way he tried to gaslight me.

Hello!
I work remotely for a company in Italy with an Italian work permit which also allows me to work from another EU country for up to 90 days a year. I am going to be moving to Germany to join my husband there as a non-EU citizen and apply for a residence card and eventually find a new job locally.
My question is whether I can work the 3 months after moving and then quit or quit before moving. When I register my address in my husband's house what happens to my registration in Italy?
I just wanna work and keep the money coming as much as I can, because I know that the immigration office takes months to give an appointment and so on.
What would you do in my situation?

Hi,
I recently resigned from a horrible experience grad program in a hospital, what are my chances of securing another grad program, or another job as a nurse? I am a little worried… what would u guys do?