Im having a bit of difficulty with my typing myself these recent weeks and it seems that I dont know where in these types I belong to. How I can finalize my core enneagram and adjacent wing Can someone help me out, even through a method of question-answer interview?
Since these are my recent observations of why Im stuck with these 3
4-My first result back then, I think its due to a time where I was extremely moody and lost in myself. It resonates me in a sense that I introspect and think deeply of things. Im also a poet. But as I first met my type 4 friend, I feel like I do not resonate with him in a way. My poems compared to him are structured differently, My style is mostly analogical poems that look like emotions written in abstract form since for example "tears akin to rainy weather" while his is somewhat shakeperean and deep of emotions and color. The word count between mine and him is a big gap, he has the advantage to the amount of words. Also I dont have a strive for authentic self and strong moral ideals that is etched within him. Im also bad at prioritizing my needs and I tend to forget to take care of myself unless I have reminders Im quite very objective at a daily basis only taking tasks that lemme make an example "I tend to work things without realizing I have a sense of self" also it happens when I talk to people "I tend to look and observe mentally distant" unless they make me feel grounded with the topic
5- Im not sure if the cold and logical aspect of 5 is stereotypical or not. But I resonate with the non linear way of thinking. I isolate from parties, fiestas and social events when they're overwhelming. I also tend to have deep life discussions with my closest friends. Im avoidant when I feel strong emotions and needs a lot of time to process them. In which, I tend to be lost in thought when Im passive thinking of ways to understand the situation and reflect on it. Im also an obsessive researcher to a fault about specific topics, Im also inclined to science as a kid and has been my main subject. But the aspect of myself being emotional or being an empath ruins the idea of a 5. I also went on a journey wherein my inner turmoil and anguish has led me to learn psychology and embrace my empathetic qualities so I may put them to good use for others. Im very indulged with knowing how should I put this knowledge to use so that others wont suffer like I do and still today that promise is something I cant break. I sometimes forget myself in hopes of fixing my friend's problems or anyone who needs advice
6- Resonates a lot, except for the being too paranoid about everything. I am loyal to a fault and is always there to accompany a friend, a family member or someone who needs help, Im the hesitant type of person but if I trust you enough Im willing to support the situation. I have extreme attachments to friends, objects, and family ive been with for so long, and I have a hot and cold relationship where Im very energetic to my friends and peers but deep, contemplative and serious when alone. There are times where im very skeptic of people's decisions and they always complain that I say "Are you sure" "You sure about that" "I need some clarity" "Is that exact" "Is it gonna work" Im also very paranoid when my friends blurt out inappropriately in public especially higher volume than what the ambience is, Also i get second hand embarassment when they do silly stuff that might weird people out and I get very anxious about it haha. I get very awkward in situations where my friends "put me in a mission" and I have a lack of knowledge about it or that I dont have enough resources to figure out the task. Same thought with not having enough knowledge to continue the topic or even start it at the first place. I have a tendency to blurt out my thoughts with people I trust or when I really cant resist to share a thought which becomes a discussion between each member and its very fun to hear each others perspectives. Im the type of person who advices that also needs advice I second guess myself a lot so I have to make sure of things. I feel like its contradictory to a 5 wherein they keep their knowledge and resources to themselves (depending on subtype)
I think my explanations are messy here, mb But Im eager for clarifications or questions when needed here. I hope someone responds to my post, I'll gladly appreciate it. Thank you!

Is one justified in rejecting the historicity of the life of Jesus if there are no eyewitnesses to Him and His life, and the accounts are decades after He lived? Is this the standard that historians use? Or is it a double standard?
The Strange Case of Hieronymus of Cardia
Hieronymus [356–323 BC] is not a household name, but among historians he’s known for several things. He was an eyewitness to the campaigns of Alexander the Great, but he lived to the age of 104 — long enough to record the first battle between a Roman army and a Hellenistic kingdom. He was a friend and confidant of kings and commanders during the chaotic aftermath of Alexander the Great’s death. He was a military governor in Greece. Furthermore, he managed the asphalt industry on the Dead Sea.
Above all, he is regarded as a key source for many of the most of the history of the years 320–270 BCE. He’s also a prime authority for Plutarch’s famous biographies of Eumenes, Demetrius Poliorcetes, and Pyrrhus. In fact, he’s often cited as the first Greek to write about the rise of Rome.
On the other hand, Dionysius Halicarnassus — writing during the reign of Augustus — called him “a historian no one bothers to finish.” He’s everywhere without being personally a key historical figure.
However:
The bit about him being 104 at the age of his death comes from another author whose work is also lost: Agatharcides of Cnidus who lived roughly sometime in the later 2d century BC — born probably three generations after Hieronymus’ death. We know he discussed Hieronymus because he, in turn, is quoted by Lucian of Samosata (~ 125–180 CE) — about 300 years after Agatharcides and over 400 from Hieronymus.
The oldest surviving work that refers to Hieronymus by name is that of “a certain person named Moschion” who probably would have lived a bit before Agatharcides, writing in Sicily — 750 miles or more from where Hieronymus lived and worked and maybe 75 years after his death. The only thing we know about Moschion is the handful of his pages quoted by Athenaeus, about 450 years after Hieronymus.
There’s no reference to Hieronymus in any Latin source, despite his reputation as an early reporter of Rome. The reference to him being the first Greek to write about Rome comes from Dionysius of Halicarnassus, writing about 250 years after Hieronymus’ death.
Key biographical details — his relationship with Eumenes, his work for the Antigonid dynasty, and his governorship — only show up in Plutarch, 350 years after Hieronymus’ day.
The history for which he is famous is lost; it exists only in paraphrases or name-checks by later writers. Although there are several facts attributed to him, there is no verbatim quote of anything the wrote. It’s a commonplace among historians that Hieronymus is the main source for much of what is interesting and detailed in the work of Diodorus of Sicily, who wrote 200 years or more after Hieronymus’ death.
Diodorus tends to be somewhat wordy and diffuse, but when he covers the age of Hieronymus he suddenly becomes more detail oriented, has interesting anecdotes, and provides reasonable numbers; this is all assumed to come from Hieronymus. However, although Diodorus does refer to Hieronymus (for example, he tells the story of Diodorus’ job in the asphalt bureau in book 19) he never explicitly quotes him. The common assumption is that big chunks of books 18–20 are basically plagiarized from Hieronymus — but naturally, Diodorus doesn’t tell us this himself.
He’s not quoted by Polybius, whose account overlapped with events he wrote about. His most industrious recyclers are Diodorus and Dionysius during the transition from Roman republic to Roman empire (~200 - 250 years), and then Appian and Plutarch in the second century CE (~ 350 - 400 years).
It’s worth pointing out that not only is he not attested very close to his own lifetime — neither are many of the sources which refer to him. Agatharcides for example has no contemporary mentions — he’s cited by Diodorus, and by early Roman-era writers but none closer to him than a couple of generations.
Diodorus, too, is not referred to by his contemporaries — we have to guess when he died from the contents of his book, which does not refer to any event later than around 32 BC. At least his book survives him — about a third of it, anyway. The last complete copy was destroyed during the Turkish sack of Constantinople. There is no evidence for him that does not come from his own writings, and the oldest explicit quotation from him is from Athenaeus in the latter half of the second century CE, over 200 years from his own time.
Of the people mentioned in this piece by name Plutarch, Appian, Athenaeus, and — of course — emperor Augustus are attested by contemporary sources and known by any other means than their own writings. Only Augustus and Plutarch are known from physical objects (the latter from a single inscription). There is an inscription from Diodorus’ hometown in the name of a Diodorus; we have no way of knowing if it’s the same Diodorus and it offers no clue to the date.
This is how a fairly famous person — a widely cited author, diplomat, and friend of kings — fares in the sources. Hieronymus of Cardia is a figure who is completely familiar to ancient historians; if anything they are often over-eager to spot traces of him — he is almost universally assumed to be the source of most of the interesting and detailed bits of Diodorus and Dionysius in the the era of Alexander’s successors. He routinely shows up in any discussion of the early historiography of Rome.
But he does not pass the contemporary mention test by a country mile.
The implication:
Therre are no eyewitness account for the life of Hieronymus of Cardia and no contemporary accounts of him either, yet historians have no doubt or minimal doubt that he existed.
But maybe is just an outlier, surely this is just an anomaly, an exception, an oddity....
What about other well known people from history, they certainly are much more documented than people from Bible, right?
Spartacus 103–71 BC
The story of a slave turned gladiator turned revolutionary has been told and retold many times in media. Although a well-known and much-admired historical figure, Spartacus does not actually have any surviving contemporary records of his life. His enduring fame is in part due to the heroic visage crafted by a priestess of Dionysus, who was also his lover.
The story is mentioned in Plutarch’s biography of Crassus, the wealthy Roman who ultimately put down the uprising led by Spartacus. Parallel Lives was a collection of 48 biographies of prominent historical figures written by the Greek historian in the second century AD. Another major source of information about Spartacus came from another Greek, Appian, writing around a century after the events.
Hannibal born in 247 B.C
Despite how well-known his great deeds as a general are, there are no surviving firsthand accounts of Hannibal - or indeed Carthage at all. The closest thing to a primary source for the Punic Wars between Rome and Carthage is the account written by the Greek historian Polybius around a century later
The historian was alive for the third and final Punic conflict and spoke to survivors of the second war, but obviously did not meet Hannibal himself.
Another major ancient source, which drew on other works from the time that are now lost, was by the Roman historian Livy. The History of Rome was written in the first century AD, but only part of the 142-book collection remains. While not considered as objective as Polybius and far removed from the events, Livy’s work fills in a lot of the gaps.
Alexander the Great 356 - 323 BC
At its peak, his empire stretched from the Balkans to the Indus River. Countless pages have been written of his deeds, but almost all were done long after his was dead
Our only knowledge comes from the much later works that drew on those long-lost pages. Perhaps the most valuable of all was the tome written by his general Ptolemy, who would later found his own great empire. One of the very few written records that survive from Alexander’s time is an incredibly brief mention of his passing in a small clay tablet of Babylonian astronomical reports.
William Wallace 1270 - 1305 AD
The screenplay for the 1995 film Braveheart occasionally drew upon a poem written by a monk known as Blind Harry in the 15th century.
Because Harry's romanticized account was penned more than 150 years after the Scottish hero was tried and executed at the behest of Edward I, it’s not exactly going to be a reliable telling of the tale. One of the few contemporary records comes from a single English chronicle that doesn’t try to be objective: …a certain Scot, by name William Wallace, an outcast from pity, a robber, a sacrilegious man, an incendiary and a homicide, a man more cruel than the cruelty of Herod, and more insane than the fury of Nero…
The passage details an unflattering description of the Scottish defeat at Falkirk in 1298, where Wallace apparently fled the scene before being captured. The time between the loss and his later apprehension was spent in mainland Europe, attempting to raise support for his cause. We know this because one of only two surviving documents personally attached to Wallace is a letter written on his behalf by the King of France to the Pope
Attila the Hun (c. 406-453 AD) was one of late antiquity’s most notorious figures, a brutal conqueror who ransacked the weakened Roman Empire.
Little is actually known of the Huns, as they left little evidence behind, and the few contemporary accounts that remain are from sources not disposed to view them favorably. The surviving fragments of a history of Rome written by Ammianus Marcellinus depict a backward, savage people of unknown origin.
As for Attila himself, much of his early life is the subject of speculation from later authors. Jordanes, a 6th-century Eastern Roman historian, wrote a second hand account as he drew upon the work of Priscus, a fellow Eastern Roman who actually met Attila. Unfortunately, only a few scraps of Priscus’s work remain.
So it seems that historians have no problem in taking as historical, people and events are much less evidence than what the Bible contains.
If anyone uses the "The gospels are not eyewitness accounts" argument to dismiss the Gospels as history, commits the double standard logical fallacy
Objection A - But Jesus is said to be God and rose from the dead. That's a major difference between all these other historical figures
Reply: So, your real objection has to do with the metaphysical implications of saying the Jesus rose from the dead, not the hidtorical nature of the account. That is beyond the scope of this argument.
However, I invite you to read why Philosophical Naturalism [the idea that only the physical exists] is logically self-refuting and why there is evidence for God
Objection B - The eyewitness stuff is important with the Gospels because there is a massive difference between 'I lived with Jesus for a few weeks after he died' and 'I heard others lived with Jesus for a few weeks after he died.
Reply: But the "eyewitness stuff" is apparently not impoertant - see nthe above for how many people/events are considered historical sans eyewitness account. The take Luke, for example, said the he investigated everything from the beginning and wrote an orderly account. This sems to be in line with what other ancient historians did, like Herodotus, Tacitus, Pliny the Younger, Lucian - There is overwhelming evidence for the existence of Jesus of the Bible in ancient non-Christian sources
EDIT: I just updated this post on my blog to include comments from Bart Erhman concerning the historicity of Jesus

Sense is heart (i.e., mind), has three significances: clear discernment is named as sense; mean and measurement are named as intention; Aggregate Arousal is named as heart. Aggregate Arousal has three significances again: first, heart can aggregate and storage juristic seeds; second, heart is those juristic seeds being aggregated; thirdly, juristic seeds grow by fumigation, and heart can arouse ripened seeds into performances, has them become bodily orally and intentionally behaviors currently. See section 14.1 for more explanation of Aggregate Arousal.
Among Buddhist 100 laws, there are eight positions of sense laws totally, namely, (1) eye-sense, (2) ear-sense, (3) nose-sense, (4) tongue-sense, (5) body-sense, (6) intent-sense, (7) preconscious-ness, and (8) unconsciousness. The seventh pre-consciousness is the mobile working platform of the former six senses. The eighth unconsciousness is the total root of the former seven senses, also known as the fundamental sense.

11.4.5-1 Differentiations of the Eight Senses

(1) eye-sense, which is the seeing of seeing colors. (2) ear-sense, which is the hearing of hearing sounds. (3) nose-sense, which is the smelling of smelling fragrances. (4) tongue-sense, which is the tasting of tasting tastes. (5) body-sense, that is, the feeling of feeling touches. (6) intent-sense, which is the know of knowing laws. The six senses are exactly seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, feeling, and knowing; and they also have the name of six feelings.
(7) preconscious-ness, is called Mana-sense in Buddhism, and Eve-sense in Godly religions. Ancients said that it is subtle and difficult to distinguish, so they use its major companion "Intent" to represent it. Therefore, we call Preconscious-ness as Intent in Buddhism. Preconscious-ness is root for six former senses, is ever updating work platform of heart (i.e., mind), which is constantly updating itself with the change of intention.
https://preview.redd.it/o2m5ay0xb64d1.jpg?width=1213&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=46154375848bf459ede2c57be05d54b650e80643
Ancient people often used "measuring worm" (see fig. 11.4.5.1-1) to describe the behavioral characteristics of preconscious-ness. When the measuring worm moves, the back feet are always grasping something; the front feet are looking for a place to land, as if pondering. After the front feet have grasped something, the back feet follow. The behavior of preconscious-ness is very similar to that, preconscious-ness is also always grasping something, and looking around, pondering. When it discovers and moves to a new target, it renews its attachment, and then searches for a new target to move on to. The preconscious attachment, which has the function of internal along-thoughts ego, was called Abel by the ancient Egyptians, and Quetzalcoatl by ancient Mexicans. The attachment that Eve-sense's hold is the precedingly faded thoughts, and that belongs to Adam-sense (i.e., the contaminated part of the unconscious).
Because of the above characteristics of Eve-sense, the ancient Egyptians used the breastfeeding of Abel to indicate that the woman is Eve (see Figure 11.4.5.1-2). Eve's neatly arranged pattern (motif) hair in the figure represents “500 majesties 108,000 charms” (cf. section 16.2), which is the woman's skin that God coated on Eve. Figure 3 shows the ancient Mexican Eve, Chalchiuhtlicue, who also signaled her status as Eve by breastfeeding Quetzalcoatl. The tree she is facing is her Enlightenment Tree that grows from her Ollin Heart (i.e., bodhicitta, the oath she took when she was child).
In addition, preconsciousness has a promoting effect on the formation of language, so the ancients also call it as Escalatory Language Feeler, meaning that preconsciousness has escalatory function on language.
(8) The greatest characteristic of the unconscious is mutably mature. Mutable matureness means that the seeds in the unconscious are ripened by fumigation and mutation. Mutation is ripening because mutation is capable of holding karma. Here is a brief description of the unconscious in the words of a poem by Tang Tripitaka, “Receiving the fumigation, holding the seeds, it is the root, the body, and the vessel world (i.e., the material world); leaving later, coming first, being the non-lord executive.”
https://preview.redd.it/jjt6okjyb64d1.jpg?width=2020&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=aff3835c0eb03c8149cfaed571dd5e8913b671c5

11.4.5-2 Correspondences between Eight Senses and Nine Heartlands

Nose-sense and tongue-sense exist only in Desire Boundary (Fig 11.4.5-2-23). Eye-sense, ear-sense, and body-sense exist in the Five Interests Mixed Dwell Land (Fig. 23) and the Leave Producing Laugh Land (Figure 24). The former five senses are absent in the third land (Fig. 25) and above. The sixth and seventh sense are prevalent in all the three boundaries nine lands, except for the Thoughtless Retribution and the Longevity Sky. The eighth sense, unconsciousness, prevails in all the three boundaries nine heartlands.

11.4.5-3 Correspondences between Eight Senses and Environments

The 8 senses have 3 kinds of objective environments, namely, nature environment, solitary head environment, and qualitative environment.
I) Nature Environment, which environment has its own nature, has factual function, is what the aggregative heart manifests after gain of the objective nature, has the following five significances. A) It is obtained from the present quantity. B) It has media qualities, such as a sound must have hearable media qualities. C) It is born from its own seed, cannot be produced directly by the aggregative heart. D) It has factual function and usage. E) Its nature and boundary category do not change along heart’s change.
II) Solitary Head Environment, which is projected by the aggregative heart itself alone, its presentation is projected and held on by the internal thoughts, has no other nature. There are four states of mind studied in Buddhism, namely: A) the wakeful state of mind; B) the still state, i.e., hallucinational state, such as the phenomena talked in Chapter 12 Meditation; C) the state of dream; and D) the state of loose mind, such as the occasionally popping up thought by the mind on its own. The last three of these four states are all Solitary Head Environments.
III) Qualitative Environment, that the objective environment has its own based on quality, the subjective viewer cannot get its real natural phenomenon. The kind of environment has following two types. A) Truly Qualitative Environment, means that heart aggregates heart, i.e., the sixth sense is to aggregate all other hearts and heartland laws, and the seventh sense alone aggregates view-quadrant of the eighth sense. B) Similar Qualitative Environment means that heart aggregates color (color means matter in Buddhism), the saying is that the projected objectives have similar quality to its own, such as according to sutra’s teaching to make view, which view is not the present environment aggregated by the former five senses.
The former five senses and the eighth sense only aggregate Nature Environments. The sixth sense can aggregate all the three types of environments. The seventh sense only aggregates Qualitative Environments.

11.4.5-4 Correspondences between Eight Senses and Three Quantities

The quantities processed by eight senses have three types, namely Present Quantity, Metaphysical Quantity, and Non-Quantity.
I) Present Quantity is the environment being aggregated by the capable measuring heart, when the heart aggregates the objective phenomena, not having distinguishments and cognitions. Present Quantity has the three significances. A) It is the present time, not past or future. B) The object of cognition must be manifesting, i.e., it must be a law in the present position; seeds cannot be Present Quantity. C) Presently have, the able heart and the being measured environment, both must be clearly presenting at front, mutually combined.
II) Metaphysical Quantity is measurement fruit obtained through speculative comparison and conjecture. For example, if you see smoke on a mountain, you know that there must be a fire there; if you see two horns outside your courtyard wall, you know that there is a cow outside the wall.
III) Non-Quantity is a collective term for “similar present quantity” and “similar metaphysical quantity”. Similar present-quantity is that there is distinguishing intelligence that takes measurements on environmental differentiations, such as a wise man who knows that vases and clothes, etc., which are born from treatment and discrimination, because of those significances not based on their self-phenomena. Similar metaphysical quantity, which arises in accordance with the similar causing intelligence at first, such as in the case of mistaking fog for smoke in a mountain and deducing that there is fire there. Another example is to see a vivid stone lion and be afraid, not thinking it is just a stone. The inability to understand correctly that it is a stream of the true but not the true is called the similar metaphysical quantity.
The former five senses and the eighth sense only aggregate present quantities. The sixth sense can aggregate all the three kinds of quantities. The seventh sense only aggregates non-quantities.

11.4.5-5 Correspondences between Eight Senses and Morality

Morality can be simplified to the three kinds: benevolence, memoryless-ness, and ferocity.
I) Benevolence means the behavior that can benefit this and other generations. Eye-sense, ear-sense, etc., the former six senses have benevolent nature.
II) Ferocity means the behaviors can cause damages in this and other generations. The eye-sense, ear-sense, etc., former six senses have ferocious nature.
III) Memoryless nature, morally neutral, neither good nor evil behavior leaves behind unrecorded karma, i.e., karma without memory or immaculate karma. There are two kinds of memoryless nature, namely, Convertible Memoryless-ness and Nonconvertible Memoryless-ness.
A) Convertible Memoryless-ness is saying of the seventh sense, preconscious-ness, its behaviors are contaminations, but it does not produce good or evil karma, which is called Convertible Memoryless-ness. Preconscious memory is like the memory of a computer, updating all the time, which means that preconscious-ness is Convertible.
B) Nonconvertible Memoryless-ness is talking about the eighth sense, unconsciousness. Many unconscious natures remain unchanged throughout life, and it does not distinguish good and evil, its nature can’t be contaminated, nor good and evil, hence name of Memoryless-ness. The Nonconvertible Memoryless-ness means that everything is remembered unconsciously from the time a person is born to the time of death, and the memory of its past experiences comes into play whether the person's consciousness remembers it or not.
Among the eight senses, eighth sense, unconsciousness, aka God-sense, is only nonconvertible memoryless nature; seventh sense, preconscious-ness, aka Eve-sense, is convertible memoryless nature. Eye-sense, ear-sense etc. former six senses have all the three ethical natures, which is saying that they appear as good nature when they are among good laws; when they are among evil laws, they show as evil nature.

11.4.5-6 Correspondences between Eight Senses and Heartland Laws

The former five senses correspond to the 34 heartland laws (cf. section 11.4.4.1), which are the 5 Omnipresent Heartland Laws, namely, attention, touch, acceptance, think, and mean; the 5 Particular Environment Heartland Laws, namely, desire, resolution, spell, stillness, and gnosis; the 11 Benevolent Heartland Laws, namely, belief, shame, sin, greedless-ness, non-irritability, non-ignorance, diligently advance, light ease, non-indulgence, acting renunciation, harmlessness; the Fundamental Annoyances, namely, greed, irritability, ignorance; the 2 Medium Following Annoyances, namely, shamelessness and sinlessness; and the eight Large Following Annoyances, namely, drowsiness, depression, unbelief, slackness, indulgence, lost spell, agitation, incorrect know.
The sixth sense, intent-sense, corresponds to all the 51 heartland laws (cf. section 11.4.4.1).
The seventh sense, preconsciousness, corresponds to the eighteen heartland laws, which are the 5 Omnipresent Heartland Laws, namely, attention, touch, acceptance, think, and mean; the 1 Particular Environment Heartland Law, gnosis; the 4 Fundamental Annoyances, greed, ignorance, arrogance, and Seth view; and the 8 Large Following Annoyances, drowsiness, depression, unbelief, slackness, indulgence, lost spell, agitation, incorrect know.
The eighth sense, unconsciousness, corresponds only to the 5 Omnipresent Heartland Laws: attention, touch, acceptation, think, and mean.
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Starting off with pictures of me because I've got ghosted too many times right after showing them.
I am looking for a lady between 25 and 35 years old, for a committed monogamous childfree relationship. My goal is to become a true team, supporting each other, caring for each other, nurturing each other and helping each other grow and realise our goals and dreams as much as possible. I'm hoping to find someone that values a relationship as much as I do and takes it seriously. It's not the only thing my life revolves around, but it's also not just something 'nice to have' for me.
I am 186cm tall, slim/fit built, dark brown hair, brown eyes. Both my arms are tattooed (full sleeve), as are my calves and the areas above my ankles. Regarding pictures see below. I am a runner, training multiple times a week. I'm also vegan. My love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. While I am mostly securely attached, withdrawing from me triggers anxiety and I have made a horrible experience with an avoidant partner in the past, so that is something I fear I cannot deal with again.
I am also an atheist.
I am a very warm, soft and sensitive person, I think I am humorous, I am self reflecting a lot and I can also be really passionate and romantic. Those are traits that also are really important to me in a woman.
I can be quite social, I am a good talker, but also love to listen to really get to know someone on a deeper level. I can enjoy an evening out with friends just as much as the silence of sitting at the shores of the river and watching the sunset in solitude (although I've been craving to watch it together with a partner for a really long time now). I can be out in a pub, at a rave, a metal show or at a football game and have the time of my life, but I cannot do these things every day; I need recharge time (on the sofa, in the woods for a run, a lazy Sunday staying in bed etc.). This should give you an idea; basically, I am a homebody that thoroughly enjoys going out in moderation.
I won't say too much about hobbies; suffice it to say I am into the dark, the obscure, the macabre, the occult, the mysterious, the erotic. It won't surprise you that I had a gothic phase in my youth, bonus points if you did too!
What I'm looking for
Although similar hobbies and interests are a plus, emotional and intimate compatibility are more important to me. I am a very sensitive and emotional person (I do cry easily and by this point I don't think I'll ever be able to change that, sorry), so if you're too, we will definitely understand each other. I need someone who I can open up to (which I do rather quickly, anyway), be myself, bare my soul to and I need these things from you, too. I've had my share of emotionally unavailable women who were afraid of intimacy so I know I can't deal with that again because of the way how those things affect me. I am always emotionally invested with the woman I pursue and in those cases that was to my detriment. But my ability to feel so deep is also something I wouldn't want to change because as of yet, although it's getting harder, I haven't given up on finding someone.
With those emotional needs come two requirements that I found to be vital over the years: First, being able to be silly and cutesy together and to accept each other's inner child and care for it. I am not talking about having to deal with another person's immaturity or inability to perform basic adult skills, rather with the way sadness, hurt, anxiety and being overwhelmed manifests for me (and maybe for you, too?). I need someone who is able to comfort me, to hold me, to allow me to be weak and needy for a while until I've calmed down, and I'm more than ready to offer the same. Your inner child can come out for a while, no problem (: Also in a positive way: Thankfully, today everyone seems to be understanding of the cuteness overload cats (or any animal baby, really) can cause; I need that with a partner. I also still have plushies as comfort animals and ideally, you do too.
Apparently in every relationship, one person is the stronger one. In the past, I have been with women who obviously were stronger than me, but that doesn't mean they always had to be strong, far from it. I certainly need to be able to feel protected, but it's not like I'm a particularly needy partner, like everyone, I have my ups and downs, but I can pull my weight and have been told by past partners that I am very caring and that they felt safe and understood with me, and providing that for my partner is really important for me as well.
Second, intimate compatibility. I am rather insatiable and love to experiment when it comes to the bedroom, so you should, too, in order that we can explore and enjoy together. I found out how fulfilling living out those fantasies can be after years of never being able to try and in a relationship, this kind of fulfillment for both partners is a must for me. I found the term 'filthy best friends and partners' to be a perfect description.
I'm looking for a balance between healthy independence and being emotionally present. A relationship where we 'get' each other; we're both each other's number one and treat each other like royalty. Where a disagreement leads to more intimacy between us as we understand better, not to resentment. Where we're comfortable baring our souls to each other, becoming a safe haven and secure base for each other. I don't like the modern notion that you 'should never feel too safe in a relationship' because that sounds like running from the mafia (and believe me, I love mafia movies); you should always put in effort, yes, but safety is one of the things I always want to experience and provide in a relationship. We shouldn't fear that a disagreement leads straight to breakup. I know ‘self-sufficiency’ is trending right now, but I feel like as partners, we’re partly responsible for each other and not our own but also each other’s happiness. Being dependant and dependable at the same time is important; making each other’s wellbeing a priority. If you’re not able to healthily depend on someone and their support while you’re having a hard time, look elsewhere. If I have to be afraid you’ll run at the first major problem that surfaces, even if it’s a ‘you’-problem, it’s not going to work. I think that all things can and need to be talked about. If you think ignoring someone for days is a form of communication, please look elsewhere.
I am looking for someone real. We all have our problems, I don't want or need a 'perfect' person. You don't have everything figured out or 'all your shit' together. Be imperfect. Admit when you feel sad and angry, lonely, hopeless or even helpless – it's all relatable. Don't hide it. Be quirky, be dorky, be witchy, opinionated, be yourself. Don't pretend.
I'm looking for someone to share romance with. Not great gestures, but small, meaningful ones. Poems for each other, expressing our feelings; cards with heartfelt messages that we put our perfume/cologne on, and a symbol that means something to us only, the print of your lips with lipstick, the way I sign and seal my letters for you.
Just as important to me is agreeing on living a healthy life, staying in shape both for ourselves and for each other, regularly working out and eating healthy. I am drug and disease-free and expect the same of you. I do drink as I love a good beer or glass of wine, rum or whiskey, but I've never really been drinking much and especially during the past year have further reduced it. One vice I have is that I enjoy a couple of cigars a year, but I can definitely accommodate you in this regard.
Another important point is aligned life goals: I value safety more than adventure. I want to build a home together with my partner, a safespace for the both of us, where we always feel loved and protected, a place that we create together, make it cozy together so we just love to get back home there wherever we might have been, a home we decorate together for Halloween (my favourite holiday) or Christmas or Springtime, as we live in tune with the seasons, enjoying nature on a walk or the rain outside, reading in our cozy home. I value stability and harmony.
Appearance-wise, I am into ladies on the smaller side), so I'm looking for someone petite/slim/skinny/healthy-fit. Likewise, I am not really muscular and don't have visible abs; like I said, I'm a runner, so if you're more into the gym-type, I'm not a good fit.
I’d prefer to move from text to voice calls, videochat and then meeting up, all of that rather sooner than later. Not that there’s a need to rush anything, but I’d rather see earlier if we’re compatible or not; as someone who catches feelings fast I need to protect myself.
Caveats

• I don't like travelling as it stresses me out; I don't mind being somewhere else for a week or two, but the organisation part of it drains my energy very quickly and dealing with stuff that doesn't work out is overwhelming to me. Smaller trips are ok, but I'm not the right person to travel the world with.
• I am not the most awake person in the morning (i.e. I identify as nightowl)
• I don't want children and had a vasectomy
• I need space for my own projects/time to recharge after social interaction.
• While I feel like I am in tune with my inner child and working on/with it through therapy, I realise this is something that could be a turn-off for people.
• I have been diagnosed with depressive episodes in the past and am taking anti-depressants right now. I realise that I am a work in progress, maybe more so than in times past, but I manage and the fact that I'm putting myself out here is based on me being ready to get to know someone new.
• I want to create a home together here, as I'm firmly rooted where I was born; I realise this is a lot to ask, but I have seen many people here being open to moving, so I want to at least try reaching out to them.

If you're interested, feel free to message me and include some pictures of yourself (:

Starting off with pictures of me because I've got ghosted too many times right after showing them.
I am looking for a lady between 25 and 35 years old, for a committed monogamous childfree relationship. My goal is to become a true team, supporting each other, caring for each other, nurturing each other and helping each other grow and realise our goals and dreams as much as possible. I'm hoping to find someone that values a relationship as much as I do and takes it seriously. It's not the only thing my life revolves around, but it's also not just something 'nice to have' for me.
I am 186cm tall, slim/fit built, dark brown hair, brown eyes. Both my arms are tattooed (full sleeve), as are my calves and the areas above my ankles. Regarding pictures see below. I am a runner, training multiple times a week. I'm also vegan. My love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. While I am mostly securely attached, withdrawing from me triggers anxiety and I have made a horrible experience with an avoidant partner in the past, so that is something I fear I cannot deal with again.
I am also an atheist.
I am a very warm, soft and sensitive person, I think I am humorous, I am self reflecting a lot and I can also be really passionate and romantic. Those are traits that also are really important to me in a woman.
I can be quite social, I am a good talker, but also love to listen to really get to know someone on a deeper level. I can enjoy an evening out with friends just as much as the silence of sitting at the shores of the river and watching the sunset in solitude (although I've been craving to watch it together with a partner for a really long time now). I can be out in a pub, at a rave, a metal show or at a football game and have the time of my life, but I cannot do these things every day; I need recharge time (on the sofa, in the woods for a run, a lazy Sunday staying in bed etc.). This should give you an idea; basically, I am a homebody that thoroughly enjoys going out in moderation.
I won't say too much about hobbies; suffice it to say I am into the dark, the obscure, the macabre, the occult, the mysterious, the erotic. It won't surprise you that I had a gothic phase in my youth, bonus points if you did too!
What I'm looking for
Although similar hobbies and interests are a plus, emotional and intimate compatibility are more important to me. I am a very sensitive and emotional person (I do cry easily and by this point I don't think I'll ever be able to change that, sorry), so if you're too, we will definitely understand each other. I need someone who I can open up to (which I do rather quickly, anyway), be myself, bare my soul to and I need these things from you, too. I've had my share of emotionally unavailable women who were afraid of intimacy so I know I can't deal with that again because of the way how those things affect me. I am always emotionally invested with the woman I pursue and in those cases that was to my detriment. But my ability to feel so deep is also something I wouldn't want to change because as of yet, although it's getting harder, I haven't given up on finding someone.
With those emotional needs come two requirements that I found to be vital over the years: First, being able to be silly and cutesy together and to accept each other's inner child and care for it. I am not talking about having to deal with another person's immaturity or inability to perform basic adult skills, rather with the way sadness, hurt, anxiety and being overwhelmed manifests for me (and maybe for you, too?). I need someone who is able to comfort me, to hold me, to allow me to be weak and needy for a while until I've calmed down, and I'm more than ready to offer the same. Your inner child can come out for a while, no problem (: Also in a positive way: Thankfully, today everyone seems to be understanding of the cuteness overload cats (or any animal baby, really) can cause; I need that with a partner. I also still have plushies as comfort animals and ideally, you do too.
I certainly need to be able to feel protected, but it's not like I'm a particularly needy partner, like everyone, I have my ups and downs, but I can pull my weight and have been told by past partners that I am very caring and that they felt safe and understood with me, and providing that for my partner is really important for me as well.
Second, intimate compatibility. I am rather insatiable and love to experiment when it comes to the bedroom, so you should, too, in order that we can explore and enjoy together. I found out how fulfilling living out those fantasies can be after years of never being able to try and in a relationship, this kind of fulfillment for both partners is a must for me. I found the term 'filthy best friends and partners' to be a perfect description.
I'm looking for a balance between healthy independence and being emotionally present. A relationship where we 'get' each other; we're both each other's number one and treat each other like royalty. Where a disagreement leads to more intimacy between us as we understand better, not to resentment. Where we're comfortable baring our souls to each other, becoming a safe haven and secure base for each other. I don't like the modern notion that you 'should never feel too safe in a relationship' because that sounds like running from the mafia (and believe me, I love mafia movies); you should always put in effort, yes, but safety is one of the things I always want to experience and provide in a relationship. We shouldn't fear that a disagreement leads straight to breakup. I know ‘self-sufficiency’ is trending right now, but I feel like as partners, we’re partly responsible for each other and not our own but also each other’s happiness. Being dependant and dependable at the same time is important; making each other’s wellbeing a priority. If you’re not able to healthily depend on someone and their support while you’re having a hard time, look elsewhere. If I have to be afraid you’ll run at the first major problem that surfaces, even if it’s a ‘you’-problem, it’s not going to work. I think that all things can and need to be talked about. If you think ignoring someone for days is a form of communication, please look elsewhere.
I am looking for someone real. We all have our problems, I don't want or need a 'perfect' person. You don't have everything figured out or 'all your shit' together. Be imperfect. Admit when you feel sad and angry, lonely, hopeless or even helpless – it's all relatable. Don't hide it. Be quirky, be dorky, be witchy, opinionated, be yourself. Don't pretend.
I'm looking for someone to share romance with. Not great gestures, but small, meaningful ones. Poems for each other, expressing our feelings; cards with heartfelt messages that we put our perfume/cologne on, and a symbol that means something to us only, the print of your lips with lipstick, the way I sign and seal my letters for you.
Just as important to me is agreeing on living a healthy life, staying in shape both for ourselves and for each other, regularly working out and eating healthy. I am drug and disease-free and expect the same of you. I do drink as I love a good beer or glass of wine, rum or whiskey, but I've never really been drinking much and especially during the past year have further reduced it. One vice I have is that I enjoy a couple of cigars a year, but I can definitely accommodate you in this regard.
Another important point is aligned life goals: I value safety more than adventure. I want to build a home together with my partner, a safespace for the both of us, where we always feel loved and protected, a place that we create together, make it cozy together so we just love to get back home there wherever we might have been, a home we decorate together for Halloween (my favourite holiday) or Christmas or Springtime, as we live in tune with the seasons, enjoying nature on a walk or the rain outside, reading in our cozy home. I value stability and harmony.
Appearance-wise, I am into ladies on the smaller side), so I'm looking for someone petite/slim/skinny/healthy-fit. Likewise, I am not really muscular and don't have visible abs; like I said, I'm a runner, so if you're more into the gym-type, I'm not a good fit.
I’d prefer to move from text to voice calls, videochat and then meeting up, all of that rather sooner than later. Not that there’s a need to rush anything, but I’d rather see earlier if we’re compatible or not; as someone who catches feelings fast I need to protect myself.
Caveats

• I don't like travelling as it stresses me out; I don't mind being somewhere else for a week or two, but the organisation part of it drains my energy very quickly and dealing with stuff that doesn't work out is overwhelming to me. Smaller trips are ok, but I'm not the right person to travel the world with.
• I am not the most awake person in the morning (i.e. I identify as nightowl)
• I don't want children and had a vasectomy
• I need space for my own projects/time to recharge after social interaction.
• While I feel like I am in tune with my inner child and working on/with it through therapy, I realise this is something that could be a turn-off for people.
• I have been diagnosed with depressive episodes in the past and am taking anti-depressants right now. I realise that I am a work in progress, maybe more so than in times past, but I manage and the fact that I'm putting myself out here is based on me being ready to get to know someone new.
• I want to create a home together here, as I'm firmly rooted where I was born; I realise this is a lot to ask, but I have seen many people here being open to moving, so I want to at least try reaching out to them.

If you're interested, feel free to message me and include some pictures of yourself (:

Is one justified in rejecting the historicity of the life of Jesus if there are no eyewitnesses to Him and His life, and the accounts are decades after He lived? Is this the standard that historians use? Or is it a double standard?
The Strange Case of Hieronymus of Cardia
Hieronymus [356–323 BC] is not a household name, but among historians he’s known for several things. He was an eyewitness to the campaigns of Alexander the Great, but he lived to the age of 104 — long enough to record the first battle between a Roman army and a Hellenistic kingdom. He was a friend and confidant of kings and commanders during the chaotic aftermath of Alexander the Great’s death. He was a military governor in Greece. Furthermore, he managed the asphalt industry on the Dead Sea.
Above all, he is regarded as a key source for many of the most of the history of the years 320–270 BCE. He’s also a prime authority for Plutarch’s famous biographies of Eumenes, Demetrius Poliorcetes, and Pyrrhus. In fact, he’s often cited as the first Greek to write about the rise of Rome.
On the other hand, Dionysius Halicarnassus — writing during the reign of Augustus — called him “a historian no one bothers to finish.” He’s everywhere without being personally a key historical figure.
However:
The bit about him being 104 at the age of his death comes from another author whose work is also lost: Agatharcides of Cnidus who lived roughly sometime in the later 2d century BC — born probably three generations after Hieronymus’ death. We know he discussed Hieronymus because he, in turn, is quoted by Lucian of Samosata (~ 125–180 CE) — about 300 years after Agatharcides and over 400 from Hieronymus.
The oldest surviving work that refers to Hieronymus by name is that of “a certain person named Moschion” who probably would have lived a bit before Agatharcides, writing in Sicily — 750 miles or more from where Hieronymus lived and worked and maybe 75 years after his death. The only thing we know about Moschion is the handful of his pages quoted by Athenaeus, about 450 years after Hieronymus.
There’s no reference to Hieronymus in any Latin source, despite his reputation as an early reporter of Rome. The reference to him being the first Greek to write about Rome comes from Dionysius of Halicarnassus, writing about 250 years after Hieronymus’ death.
Key biographical details — his relationship with Eumenes, his work for the Antigonid dynasty, and his governorship — only show up in Plutarch, 350 years after Hieronymus’ day.
The history for which he is famous is lost; it exists only in paraphrases or name-checks by later writers. Although there are several facts attributed to him, there is no verbatim quote of anything the wrote. It’s a commonplace among historians that Hieronymus is the main source for much of what is interesting and detailed in the work of Diodorus of Sicily, who wrote 200 years or more after Hieronymus’ death.
Diodorus tends to be somewhat wordy and diffuse, but when he covers the age of Hieronymus he suddenly becomes more detail oriented, has interesting anecdotes, and provides reasonable numbers; this is all assumed to come from Hieronymus. However, although Diodorus does refer to Hieronymus (for example, he tells the story of Diodorus’ job in the asphalt bureau in book 19) he never explicitly quotes him. The common assumption is that big chunks of books 18–20 are basically plagiarized from Hieronymus — but naturally, Diodorus doesn’t tell us this himself.
He’s not quoted by Polybius, whose account overlapped with events he wrote about. His most industrious recyclers are Diodorus and Dionysius during the transition from Roman republic to Roman empire (~200 - 250 years), and then Appian and Plutarch in the second century CE (~ 350 - 400 years).
It’s worth pointing out that not only is he not attested very close to his own lifetime — neither are many of the sources which refer to him. Agatharcides for example has no contemporary mentions — he’s cited by Diodorus, and by early Roman-era writers but none closer to him than a couple of generations.
Diodorus, too, is not referred to by his contemporaries — we have to guess when he died from the contents of his book, which does not refer to any event later than around 32 BC. At least his book survives him — about a third of it, anyway. The last complete copy was destroyed during the Turkish sack of Constantinople. There is no evidence for him that does not come from his own writings, and the oldest explicit quotation from him is from Athenaeus in the latter half of the second century CE, over 200 years from his own time.
Of the people mentioned in this piece by name Plutarch, Appian, Athenaeus, and — of course — emperor Augustus are attested by contemporary sources and known by any other means than their own writings. Only Augustus and Plutarch are known from physical objects (the latter from a single inscription). There is an inscription from Diodorus’ hometown in the name of a Diodorus; we have no way of knowing if it’s the same Diodorus and it offers no clue to the date.
This is how a fairly famous person — a widely cited author, diplomat, and friend of kings — fares in the sources. Hieronymus of Cardia is a figure who is completely familiar to ancient historians; if anything they are often over-eager to spot traces of him — he is almost universally assumed to be the source of most of the interesting and detailed bits of Diodorus and Dionysius in the the era of Alexander’s successors. He routinely shows up in any discussion of the early historiography of Rome.
But he does not pass the contemporary mention test by a country mile.
The implication:
Therre are no eyewitness account for the life of Hieronymus of Cardia and no contemporary accounts of him either, yet historians have no doubt or minimal doubt that he existed.
But maybe is just an outlier, surely this is just an anomaly, an exception, an oddity....
What about other well known people from history, they certainly are much more documented than people from Bible, right?
Spartacus 103–71 BC
The story of a slave turned gladiator turned revolutionary has been told and retold many times in media. Although a well-known and much-admired historical figure, Spartacus does not actually have any surviving contemporary records of his life. His enduring fame is in part due to the heroic visage crafted by a priestess of Dionysus, who was also his lover.
The story is mentioned in Plutarch’s biography of Crassus, the wealthy Roman who ultimately put down the uprising led by Spartacus. Parallel Lives was a collection of 48 biographies of prominent historical figures written by the Greek historian in the second century AD. Another major source of information about Spartacus came from another Greek, Appian, writing around a century after the events.
Hannibal born in 247 B.C
Despite how well-known his great deeds as a general are, there are no surviving firsthand accounts of Hannibal - or indeed Carthage at all. The closest thing to a primary source for the Punic Wars between Rome and Carthage is the account written by the Greek historian Polybius around a century later
The historian was alive for the third and final Punic conflict and spoke to survivors of the second war, but obviously did not meet Hannibal himself.
Another major ancient source, which drew on other works from the time that are now lost, was by the Roman historian Livy. The History of Rome was written in the first century AD, but only part of the 142-book collection remains. While not considered as objective as Polybius and far removed from the events, Livy’s work fills in a lot of the gaps.
Alexander the Great 356 - 323 BC
At its peak, his empire stretched from the Balkans to the Indus River. Countless pages have been written of his deeds, but almost all were done long after his was dead
Our only knowledge comes from the much later works that drew on those long-lost pages. Perhaps the most valuable of all was the tome written by his general Ptolemy, who would later found his own great empire. One of the very few written records that survive from Alexander’s time is an incredibly brief mention of his passing in a small clay tablet of Babylonian astronomical reports.
William Wallace 1270 - 1305 AD
The screenplay for the 1995 film Braveheart occasionally drew upon a poem written by a monk known as Blind Harry in the 15th century.
Because Harry's romanticized account was penned more than 150 years after the Scottish hero was tried and executed at the behest of Edward I, it’s not exactly going to be a reliable telling of the tale. One of the few contemporary records comes from a single English chronicle that doesn’t try to be objective: …a certain Scot, by name William Wallace, an outcast from pity, a robber, a sacrilegious man, an incendiary and a homicide, a man more cruel than the cruelty of Herod, and more insane than the fury of Nero…
The passage details an unflattering description of the Scottish defeat at Falkirk in 1298, where Wallace apparently fled the scene before being captured. The time between the loss and his later apprehension was spent in mainland Europe, attempting to raise support for his cause. We know this because one of only two surviving documents personally attached to Wallace is a letter written on his behalf by the King of France to the Pope
Attila the Hun (c. 406-453 AD) was one of late antiquity’s most notorious figures, a brutal conqueror who ransacked the weakened Roman Empire.
Little is actually known of the Huns, as they left little evidence behind, and the few contemporary accounts that remain are from sources not disposed to view them favorably. The surviving fragments of a history of Rome written by Ammianus Marcellinus depict a backward, savage people of unknown origin.
As for Attila himself, much of his early life is the subject of speculation from later authors. Jordanes, a 6th-century Eastern Roman historian, wrote a second hand account as he drew upon the work of Priscus, a fellow Eastern Roman who actually met Attila. Unfortunately, only a few scraps of Priscus’s work remain.
So it seems that historians have no problem in taking as historical, people and events are much less evidence than what the Bible contains.
If anyone uses the "The gospels are not eyewitness accounts" argument to dismiss the Gospels as history, commits the double standard logical fallacy
Objection A - But Jesus is said to be God and rose from the dead. That's a major difference between all these other historical figures
Reply: So, your real objection has to do with the metaphysical implications of saying the Jesus rose from the dead, not the hidtorical nature of the account. That is beyond the scope of this argument.
However, I invite you to read why Philosophical Naturalism [the idea that only the physical exists] is logically self-refuting and why there is evidence for God
Objection B - The eyewitness stuff is important with the Gospels because there is a massive difference between 'I lived with Jesus for a few weeks after he died' and 'I heard others lived with Jesus for a few weeks after he died.
Reply: But the "eyewitness stuff" is apparently not impoertant - see nthe above for how many people/events are considered historical sans eyewitness account. The take Luke, for example, said the he investigated everything from the beginning and wrote an orderly account. This sems to be in line with what other ancient historians did, like Herodotus, Tacitus, Pliny the Younger, Lucian - There is overwhelming evidence for the existence of Jesus of the Bible in ancient non-Christian sources
EDIT: I just updated this post on my blog to include comments from Bart Erhman concerning the historicity of Jesus

(M 19) I wrote the following paragraphs two weeks ago, now it got worse.
(When I was 14, I met a girl in an archery club and I fell in love with her. We started dating but after ten days we broke up. She said she had felt too young for a relationship and I understood it. But she completely cut me off and later I found out that she pretended it so she wouldnt harm me. It was devastating for me and I was feeling depressed for like two years. Because I was encountering her quite frequently and just couldnt get over it. Since that moment, I became extremely introverted, had troubles with trusting people but mostly didnt have any self esteem.
Two years ago, an Ukrainian girl came to uor class (Czechia), she fled from the war. And she was the most beautiful person Ive ever seen. And I couldnt encounter her, I just couldnt because of the past. I became attached to her, I heavily idealized her. She was two months in our class. I had too many negative thoughts, how we wouldnt match, even though I didnt know her. Then Holidays came and I finally decided to encounter her the next school year. But she left to Prague, its on the opposite side of our country.
And since that moment, it was my greatest wish and goal to meet her again. And when I realized that there is a university I wanted to go, my plans began to form. And last summer I wrote her a poem that I would like to meet her. And to my greatest surprise, she agreed. And so I visited her and.. she was better than all my dreams. She was like me. Since that moment, Ive had the happiest part of my life. I visited her on Christmas and it was the best Christmas Ive ever had. I bought her a book and we enjoyed the day. She was visibly happy and I was so happy that we matched together so well.
She was my main motivation to everything, I dedicated my whole future to her. I sent only one application to university. I imagined how we will be together. She was the first girl I started to trust, I overcame all my negative thoughts. I became positive person so much that I convinced myself that she likes me and we will end up together. And in the moment when she sent me her photo sealed it all.
At the start of the last month, she told me that she has a boyfriend. It more than a month and a half and I just cant.. do anything. My greatest wish, my only goal broke. And now I will have to go to study to Prague because its my only choice. It will be painful, everything will remind her.. I wrote dozens of poems about her. I was so happy that it started to fit so nicely together and now.. I dont have anything. And I dont want anyone else, I dont want to be happy without her, I just lost an angel.
I explained everything to her and she understood, she let my to send her all my poems. She was the first one who didnt block me in this situation. She is the kindest person on the Earth. I wrote and sent her a new collection of poems afterwards and it ended there.
I am goind to do my maturita exams, Im one of the smartest students in my school, Im going to study nuclear physics and yet, I hate myself fot being so successful in my school life but I never wanted this. All I want is just love, I dont care if I will have a poor job, or if I will have children, or an expensive house or car, I only want someone who would love me. And all of that I saw in this one girl. And its gone. All my dreams.. (O chose exactly the questions I wanted, 0,25% chance,..)
My family tried to help me as much as they could.. but they dont know how to help me. I started visiting a psychologist and I take antidepressants. But nothing of it will bring me her back, nothing of it will bring me back the meaning of life, my goals, wishes, dreams.
I dont want to put up with it. I feel like life showed me the best of it and than took it from me. I feel like I wouldnt be ever satisfied with it, like from all the paths that I couldve taken, this one will forever hurt me.
And so, tommorow, my life will just end. And I dont know what to do.
I just so much regret not encountering her while she was in our class. I cant read my poems anymore because its so painful to me.
I worry that I wont be ever able to create such a strong bond to anyone else. Such a strong longig, a desire.)
Now, my state got worse. I became convinced that reconciliation is just a lie, that my brain just finds a way to make it feel like its getting better but in reality, the situation is the same. I dont want to live in a lie. Therefore, Im not letting myself to be happy, Im doing everything to stay sad, even though it seems stupid.
So many people told me how kind I was with my poems.. But I dont want to write them for anyone else, I dont want to love anyone else, in fact, I cant imagine my life in college,..
I stopped imagining it. Im in a state when I dont allow myself to get better, its a closed spiral and I know it. Nothing will brimg me her back, no pills, no psychological help.
Since this monday, I started to have suicidal thoughts. I just feel much better when I sleep and today I was cursing myself that I ever woke up.
I dont know, this is probably my only hope. That you maybe say something that will change my view.

So, where do I start.
Hi, I'm Mika, I'm 16[m]. This past year has really f*d me up mentally. I've reached a rockbottom mentally and had a hard time keeping up with everything. One of the points that heavily influenced my well being is my love interests in 2023. I'm someone who loves very passionately, and never sees a reason to stop trying. I try to keep everyone in a lighthearted mood and do my best to make people happier.
This told, let's start with my first love interest. (Please keep in mind this is all long distance)
He was a 1,63m asian, splitdyed boy who seemed perfect for me, loved cuddling, romantic, listening and also funny at that. S good balance. Talked to him from January to March beginning. Then he randomly started going on dates with someone else he's seen once ever and whom he has good s*x with. Keep in mind we had something romantic going on already, so when I heard that I literally cried and asked why he'd do that. He told me he didn't know, and half a year later I found out he was into me as well and just never told me.
Okay, little jump after having many many many people who gave me hope and then just disappeared, lets get to another extreme one.
So, about him: 1.86m spanish, brownhaired, again, felt safe and sound. I remember this very well as it's very close before my birthday. We've been talking since september, now jump to november, I'm on a weekend trip with friends, getting a message from his phone "Don't text him anymore he has me now."
And when I texted nothing back for multiple hours, which triggered my anxious attachment I developed due to childhood trauma. Again hardcore crying and when I confronted him about this friend texting me that, he said "that doesn't matter, I still like him". Skip one das after, they kissed. Skip a few days later, he got this transguy that texted me pregnant. Few months later turns out they were in a relationship which he told me nothing about.
And this keeps going, point being:
I feel like there's no chance for me to ever have someone put the same effort in as I do. I write stories for them, I even write poems, I do my very best to always be there, and all I get back is being emotionally sucked empty.
I had to let this out, if you read this, Hi, and thanks for listening to my crap.

REDDIT I HAVE SEEN STUFF LIKE THIS DO MARICALS SO PLEASE BE MY MARICAL
long story short i live with a friend that is the adoptive parent to like 10 kids 2 of them being medically complex. well there 7-year-old that had medical issues SUDDENTLY DIED IN THERE LIVING ROOM WHILE PLAYING WITH TOYS ALL UNSUDDENLY parents did cpr and the whole 9 yards while on the phone with 911 like 15 people where in the house from police officers to paramedics he was care flighted off their property via helicopter. hes been on life support and still currently is (there is no coming back he is brain dead and parents are acceptive of that (they are decided to donate organs but are not 100% sure yet) these people have kindly given me housing paid well over 10k in bills for me and helped me in several situations (I'm medically complex myself and have autism and other conditions) and these people just are kind people that want to help others now its my turn to give back. im willing to pay a reasonable fee PAYMENT WILL BE MADE ON THE 5TH (THAT IS WHEN I GET PAID) my budget is like 100ish$ or a little more with 70$ of that being paid on the 5th and remaining being paid in 2 weeks when i get paid from my new job. im thinking of using the below attached photos as like a timeline in one photo but not too sure im open to ideas. both parents are believers in Hevan but do not actively show it. i'm wanting 3 photos made one for each parent and one for his sister that is 16. i do not care if you put a poem in there to all 3 to make that work or how ever is best. im trying my hardest to (SECRITALY GET PHOTOS OF THIS KID. i want the gift to be a surprise without my name mentioned only one true member of the family knows what im doing and she is trying to get me photos)
https://imgur.com/a/MjyvYKI

Hey, Reddit! I just wanted to give you guys some more stories about my Kevin, who is, unfortunately, the supplier of my genetic material (ie, he’s my father.) For those who missed the first stories, you can find the link here: https://www.reddit.com/StoriesAboutKevin/comments/16byk04/my_dad_the_kevin/
There were some excellent responses to the first post, including several requests for a part two. Myself and my brother (who goes by the username u/undercookedbrotato for the purposes of this thread) sat down together and cobbled together some more memories of Kevin, along with our Mom. And you know what? It truthfully was kinda painful. Kevin was cruel and selfish. He sacrificed the financial stability of his family for his own short-term happiness and actively tried to sabotage his spouse’s and his children’s academics and careers for no other reason than he was jealous. We’re just thankful that Kevin is also unbelievably moronic, and so most of these ploys ended quickly. We laugh now, because what else is there to do?
Anyway, just a quick note about me and u/undercookedbrotato. There’s a big age gap between us. I was born in the early ‘80s, and I wasn’t born until the mid-90s. The end result is that both of us have stories of Kevin that span 40 years. Kevin, himself, is a Baby Boomer, and has been inflicted upon this world for nearly seven decades.
A few things to remind our readers of: Kevin failed to achieve much of anything due to his ineptitude, laziness, and sense of entitlement. He is horrible with money and was frequently unfaithful during his marriage. He successfully summited the peak of Dunning-Kruger’s “Mount Stupid” and took pride in never descending. Summiting ANYTHING was amazing for Kevin; he only stood at 5’1”, and his vertical challenges would send him into a sputtering rage if anybody made a comment about it. He loved weather, porn, and amateur radio, and drove everybody nuts with his obsessions.
And here’s one more thing about Kevin: the man was made of teflon. We’re not quite sure why providence likes him so much, but he seemingly is always escaping from the consequences of his bad behavior–or he is at least able to foist them off on somebody else.
Kevin is still alive, but this entire thing is written like he’s not. You see, Kevin has developed Alzheimer’s, and now he spends his days in a memory care unit. A rather inglorious end to a life defined by snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. And maybe that’s for the best.
As before, we’ve selected only the juiciest bits. If this update seems a little more bitter than the last, I think you’ll see why. Apologies in advance. So anyway, without further ado . . . the continuing adventures of our Dad, the Kevin.
*Kevin had done a stint of active duty in the Air Force. The fact that he had managed to complete a term of enlistment without getting himself or somebody else killed still mystifies us. We’re even further gobsmacked when we realize that he somehow got promoted a few times, which is proof of the statement that God looks out for drunks, children, and the incompetent. Our father probably was smack dab in the middle of that particular Venn diagram.
*I once got a betta fish for Christmas. Since the family lived in Arizona at the time, it could get pretty cold. Mom once showed Kevin how to put the betta’s glass bowl on a small heating pad and turn it on low to keep the fish warm. Mom was very clear to put it on “low,” and never, ever “high.” She then went out of town on a conference and OH COME ON YOU KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING.
*At least the new betta fish was pretty.
*While in the active duty Air Force, Kevin decided to prank his unit First Sergeant. Said First Sergeant had a specialty baseball cap that read “1SGT”, or at least had similar lettering. Kevin snuck into his NCO’s office, carefully peeled the letters off the “S” and “T” from the hat, and inserted, “E” and “G” in their place. The hat now read “1EGG.” This had the potential for being a funny prank had Kevin not raided the key when he was pulling staff duty and then destroyed his superior’s personal belongings. Kevin got in trouble and was always mystified as to why people were mad at him.
*Kevin loves weather. When Kevin got sent on temporary duty (TDY) to Montana, he was ecstatic when a tornado formed above the dormitories. So he ran outside and took pictures. The pictures were cool, but the fact remains that Kevin is fucking stupid.
*When the Cold War ended, Kevin took a separation bonus from the Air Force. The intent was that he would use the money as a cushion until he found a new job and his wife finished grad school. Instead, Kevin moved the family out to New Mexico because he had a job interview (no, not an offer . . . an interview.) Yes, it’s as idiotic as it sounds.
*When Kevin separated from the Air Force, the guys in his unit decided to celebrate his departure. They did this by grabbing Kevin, handcuffing his hands behind his back, drenching him with a garden hose, dumping flour over him and then smacking him with water-filled condoms from the roof of the building. Then they left him out in the sun for a little while for good measure.
*This hazing ritual was Kevin’s own idea. He had wanted to do it to the last guy who left the unit, but nobody would go along with it. Kevin was, as Shakespeare would say, hoisted by his own petard.
*Kevin’s chain of command not only knew about his upcoming hazing, but they actively participated. To his credit, Kevin thought it was hysterical . . . until his wife pointed out that friends don’t really do that to each other, and the last guy who left had gotten a cake instead of a face full of condoms. Kevin was then salty about it for decades.
*A year after leaving the Air Force, Kevin had to move into his mother-in-law’s house because he was legally bankrupt. We don’t know where his separation bonus went, and we’re afraid to find out.
*In our previous post, we erroneously stated that it took Kevin nine years to get a Bachelor’s degree. This was incorrect, and for that, we apologize. You see, we just found his transcripts while cleaning out the storage unit, and have found new information. It actually took him twelve . . . if we mark from the completion of his Associate’s. His transcripts show him starting college in 1983 and graduating in 2004. It’s a pity they don’t offer pensions for being a student. And this doesn’t even cover all the degree mill places he likely signed up for . . .
*At the end of his Bachelor’s degree, Kevin had withdrawn from seventeen(!) classes throughout his collegiate career.
*As stated in the previous post, Kevin spent much of our childhoods unemployed. In a bid to get money, Kevin went back and joined the Air Force Reserves. The only income he made for years was his “one weekend a month, two weeks a year” dough. Despite this, he somehow managed to not get kicked out, even though he was frequently passed over for promotion, laughed out of his commander’s office when he asked about being promoted, and once had an entire skit at an Air Force Reserve unit black tie event devoted to mocking him.
*Kevin was sensitive about his short stature. When the eHarmony website launched, Kevin went on a long diatribe about the website’s “heightist” policies and how shorter men were excluded from the dating pool. He disintegrated into quiet grumbling when Mom pressed him as to how he knew this. He blamed it on a friend complaining to him about it. Too bad that guy was 6’1”.
*Mom made all the money in the house due to working three jobs. Kevin figured that his money was his money, and so what little money he did make–as well as a good chunk of Mom’s–disappeared on ham radio equipment, guns, penny stocks, MLMs, hookers, porn, and, bizarrely, musical instruments. WE HAVE SO MANY FUCKING VIOLINS.
*Kevin had played in his high school orchestra. Kevin took this to mean that he was good at the violin. Kevin once showed up to a college jam session. We don’t know what happened, but Kevin came home, went to his bedroom, and cried. He never played the violin again.
*Kevin decided to save money for Christmas one year by getting into wine making. He Googled it and then set jugs of fermenting grapes behind the toilet. Then, on Christmas Eve, he slapped floppy disk labels on the front, wrote “Kevin’s Valley” in big block print on the sticker, and slipped them into gift bags. That shit made my aunt barf. Kevin hated to be reminded of the time he made bad pruno for Christmas and got people sick.
*Kevin was obsessive about floppy disks. He downloaded grainy .jpeg porn images onto them and then labeled them with names like “Big Blondes in Double Trouble” or “Mother Does Her Duty.” I mean, literally, he wrote these on the sticker labels, alphabetized them, and kept them in a disk caddy next to the family computer. Our father was . . . weird, and not in a good way. This has made cleaning out his storage unit tremendously unfun.
*Do you know those scuzzy payday loan places? They’re usually run out of old Pizza Huts and have pawn shops attached to them. They may even have bullet proof glass when you talk to the cashier. Most people avoid them. Our father, on the other hand, looked at those places and would think, “yeah, that’s a GREAT idea.” He seriously borrowed money from those lenders for fun and then wondered why his shit would get repossessed.
*Kevin had a credit score in the 300s. He didn’t know why.
*Back in the early 2000s, there were commercials that would run late at night. They were by a guy called Matthew Lesko, and he would obnoxiously scream at you to buy his book to “get free money!” while wearing a garish suit adorned with question marks like he was some sort of Great Value Riddler. You can see it for yourself here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NECn-uohptg . Anyway, I saw this commercial and said, “what type of idiot would buy that book?” and then walked into the living room to find Kevin reading his.
*Kevin once came home with a “family film” on video tape and put it on in the middle of the day. That “family film” was “Death Wish” with Charles Bronson. He got mad when mom made him take it back to the video store.
*Kevin and his wife were fighting one night and Kevin specified that he was going to go get a divorce attorney. Mom told him to go right ahead, because he didn’t have money to hire one anyway, and that she was willing to pay for his. This shut him up.
*Later on, Kevin became obsessed with the book “Rich Dad, Poor Dad,” despite the fact he never read it beyond the introduction. I received at least three copies as Christmas gifts, and undercookedbrotato is sure to have at least one floating around somewhere. Spoiler: the book is now regarded as inaccurate feel-good self-help schlock.
*When Kevin finally got a full-time job again, he was quickly removed from day shift due to his incompetence and put on night shift. He complained about being “punished” and would not tolerate any discussion that it at least allowed him to keep his job. Kevin went to work on night shift and was immediately written up for watching movies and sleeping. His argument was that if they didn’t want him watching movies or sleeping, then they shouldn’t have put him on the night shift.
*Kevin left work one day to find a coworker putting a computer in his truck. Kevin asked his coworker where he got his computer, and he said that he got it from the company. Kevin went running back inside and grabbed HR and told them that his coworker was stealing computers. As it turns out, his company had a program where employees could buy outdated hardware and equipment, and that’s what was going on. Kevin didn’t understand why his coworker was mad.
*Kevin’s Air Force Reserve detachment deployed to Jordan in the spring of 2005 and they stayed at the Ryatt Hotel in Amman. He came back in early summer. On November 9th, the hotel he had stayed in was attacked by a suicide bomber. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2005_Amman_bombings . Kevin claimed that the fact that the hotel he stayed in was destroyed six months after he left gave him “war PTSD.”
*Do you know that Kanye West episode of South Park where Cartman steals Jimmy’s joke about fish sticks and every time Cartman tells the story, he makes himself look better and more heroic? That was how the hotel bombing was for Kevin. Every time he told the story, the bombing happened closer and closer to his departure from Jordan, until the last time we heard it, he was “running around trying to get people to listen to him about an imminent attack” but that “nobody would believe him.” Amazingly, the attack happened “just a few hours after they left”and not the six months that actually occurred.
*Kevin bought tickets for an Ollie North book signing. He didn’t understand why nobody in the family was impressed.
*Kevin is a bit of a hypochondriac. He once came home from the doctor screaming that his kidneys were failing and that he was going to die soon. He had the entire family riled up and had Mom crying. It turns out that, while he does indeed have kidney disease, it’s nowhere near fatal and can be controlled with medication.
*Kevin once woke up, went to the bathroom, and exited the bathroom shaking. He then called out of work and reported to the emergency room due to finding a “reddish, bloody discharge” around the head of his penis. He was terrified that he had some sort of cancer. What was this mystery secretion, you ask? Lipstick.
*We’re horrified by this story on a number of levels. First, there’s the idea of dad getting a blowjob, which is terrible. Secondly, now that his infidelity has come to light, we must acknowledge that said lipstick could have belonged to any number of women. And then, finally, we must face the realization that Dad didn’t wash his dick. This world is garbage and I hate it.
*Years later, a kid in our hometown got arrested for breaking and entering somebody else’s house, and he happened to have the same last name as us. Dad cut the clipping out of the newspaper, scanned it into his computer, and emailed it to his friends and associates claiming that he had cheated on Mom and that this kid was his illegitimate offspring. He said this was a “joke.” Mom did not find this funny. In retrospect, we don’t think he was joking. We wonder how many half-siblings we have.
*Kevin decided he wanted new ham radio gear. Kevin had no money. Kevin decided he was willing to trade for it. What did he trade? The dog. We’re still pissed.
*Kevin got mad at me for “marrying outside my race” (I’m white, my wife is Filipina.) He then told me that I was being cut out of the will. I told him to go ahead, because there was nothing to inherit anyway. The idea that his son was willing to go no contact hurt him less than the realization that he had no wealth.
*Mom once went up to Alaska to visit me out, as my wife had just had a baby. This left u/undercookedbrotato at home with Kevin. Kevin decided that he was grown and needed to be out on his own, so he gave him a week to leave the house. He was only fifteen. When Mom and I called him and gave him an earful, his claim was that he forgot how old he was and then rescinded his edict.
*In our last post, I wrote about how Kevin had decided to start a real estate company despite not having any money. Or real estate to sell. Or clients. Or a real estate license. But there were some things I forgot to mention–Kevin had gone out and bought a car to advertise his latent business, and even tried to get a car wrap put on it. On top of that, he registered as an LLC and used my social security number to register me as a co-owner with the IRS. I did not give him permission to do this and only found out when I was fucking audited. Fortunately, the business never made any money and I got out of the audit without having to pay any money, so yay?
*Kevin then decided to start a self-defense business, but he didn’t want to put any time or effort into marketing or sales or researching laws. Instead, he just bought a bunch of tasers and pepper spray online and then shipped them to my house. When I called and wondered why there were a bunch self-defense weapons of nebulous legality sitting on my porch, I was told to go sell them and pass along the money. I refused, and the next time Kevin visited, he was given his box back. I don’t know how Kevin got rid of them, and I’m not sure I care.
*Kevin was well-known for mangling popular idioms. His most famous was “hindsight is 100%”, although he also encouraged people to be “fair and objectionable.” When pressed about his philosophy about the human condition, Kevin was not shy about sharing how he felt the world was out to get him–despite the fact that people around him spent most of their time protecting him from himself.
*Kevin likes space stuff and Kevin likes women. So Kevin really likes women astronauts. He could barely contain himself when he met one. He friended her on Facebook and was then, unsurprisingly, creepy. He got blocked and he was crushed.
*Kevin once had a wet dream involving his female supervisor. He told her about it.
*When Kevin was finally fired from his job for having porn on his computer, a group of women met him at the door and told him they were thankful he was gone.
*Kevin registered for Truth Social and was buying Donald Trump gold coins from randos on the Internet. He never received any of them.
*After Kevin got caught cheating on our Mom, he claimed that his “war PTSD” made him do it and that we “couldn’t begin to understand the horrors of war” when confronted. Unfortunately for Kevin, I served in the Sunni Triangle with the 2nd Cavalry during OIF 1 and have actual PTSD (seriously, there’s a slip of paper signed by a doctor and pills and appointments and everything. It’s awesome.) Kevin didn’t have a good explanation for why I hadn’t cheated on MY wife.
*Kevin then (badly) tried to defend his infidelity by texting me advertisements for local Craigslist hookers. His logic was that he would prove how “irresistible” they were, and then people would sympathize with him! At best, this was him grasping at straws–at worst, it was him actively trying to sabotage my marriage. Anyway, and on a completely unrelated note, Kevin hasn’t seen his grandkids in a long time.
*After Mom left, Kevin told me that he’d just move in with me. He got a courtesy ride to the retirement home instead.
*After Kevin was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, I started getting collections calls from one of those tribal payday loan places. It turns out that Dad had borrowed money from them at some point in the past. When I called them up and explained that my father was mentally incapacitated, they then shared that his account age was ten years old and he was a “gold tier customer.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m horrified, especially since they’re not regulated by the FDIC and charge 300% interest.
“But hey!” you might be thinking, “this just sounds like the venting of a pair of maladjusted adult children with daddy issues taking their umbridge to the internet.” And you would be right, of course. But you don’t have to just take our word for what a menace Kevin was.
While cleaning out the family storage unit, I found Dad’s old high school yearbooks. Let’s see what Kevin’s peers had to write, shall we?
Farewells and Salutations Left in Kevin’s Yearbooks
“You are the only person I know who’s temper is shorter than he is. You’re nuts.”--Allen
“Kevin, to a very nice guy. Even though you cut me down, I don’t mind. Nice knowing you.”--Ricky
“Kevin, you’re a real nice guy that works at a store and is obscene.”--Barbara
“You’re a strange Lithuanian dwarf.”--Eugene
AUTHOR’S NOTE: The joke here, of course, is entirely on Eugene. Kevin’s not Lithuanian.
“To Kevin, alias Shorty; I am sorry that I have to disagree with you on the little matter of who is taller. I am, Shorty, and you had better start facing life the way you should.”--Cathy
“Good luck. You’re going to need it!”--Carol
“Kevin, you have certainly added ‘life’ to the classroom! At times, however, wouldn’t it have been better to divert your energy to studying?”--Mrs. Frey
“To a nice guy I wish would go somewhere.”--John
“Good luck with your girlfriend who’s coming back from the Azores.”--Sue
Author’s Note: Kevin apparently decided to one-up the kid with a girlfriend that you wouldn’t know, because she lives in Canada. I gotta give Kevin this–the Azores were a creative touch.
“To the dumbest guy in electronics class that I still hate.”--Daniel
“A real weird kid in my driver’s ed class. Good luck when trying not to hit people (so far you’ve been lucky).”--Byron
“Kevin, I guess you’re alright so I give you the privilege of having my autograph. To a very small punk who can’t keep his feet off anybody’s desk.”--Michael
“Kevin, you’re a real slob, but outside of that you’re alright. You’re lousy in math, but I guess you can’t help it.”--Bill
“Kevin, even though you call me fat, I still consider you a friend of mine.”--Laurie
“A screwy guy that has just about as much sense as a pervert in an elementary school.”--Tim
Author’s note: Ouch, Tim.
“Kevin, we expect you to come in and sand down the desk.”--Mr. Bell, Woodshop
“To a little squirt tattle tale.”--Samantha
“Kevin, how have I stood it?!? You could go so far if you’d only use your capabilities. Remember the parable of the man and the talents? Good luck.”--Mrs. Siwa
Author’s note: Mrs. Siwa seems to be referencing a Biblical story (Matthew 25:14) wherein a master gives three of his servants bags of gold to see what they will do with them. Two of the servants invest the gold and then give their master the earnings, which makes him happy, and he allows them to keep some of the gold. The third servant buries his gold in the ground like a fucking idiot and so gives his master back a bag of dirty, muddy coins. The master, unsurprisingly, is unamused, and so orders his servant to be bound hand and foot and thrown out “into the dark where there will be a weeping and a gnashing of teeth.” Mrs. Siwa got no chill.
“Kevin, you’re really weird. That’s the only way to describe you.”--Deb
“To a kid I wish would go and play in traffic sometimes.”--Lance
“I hope you go far in this world. And soon.”--Larry
“To a very nice friend, even if you are short. And if the world is lucky, you will fall over dead.”--Lee
Author’s note: Goddamn, Lee. Saying the quiet part out loud, are we?
Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. Percy Shelly once penned a poem that reminds us of him so very well. One stanza in “Ozymandias” states, “look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair!” Of course, the reader is then treated to imagery of Ozymandias’s fallen kingdom.
And that’s Kevin for you. A monarch is his own imagination. A maladaptive malcontent in the public’s. A life defined by failure, incompetence, rage, and laziness, with only the detritus of his own failed enterprises to keep him company in his declining years. No thing beside remains, indeed.
Rest well and rest quietly, Kevin. We’ve earned it.

Gratitude to the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva!
Gratitude to all Buddhas and Bodhisattvas from ten directions and three periods of time!
Gratitude to all Dharma protectors!
Gratitude to the selfless and altruistic Master Jun Hong Lu!
Gratitude to all fellow Dharma practitioners!
With a grateful heart, I’d like to share with you how my son was saved by the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva and benefactor Master Jun Hong Lu, how he passed the fatal calamity, and recovered so quickly. If there is anything that is not rational or in line with the truth in the presentation, I pray for forgiveness from the Buddhas, Bodhisattvas and Buddhist practitioners. Gratitude!
My child suffers from a rare metabolic disease. Many common foods, such as meat, eggs, milk, and soy products, must be restricted in terms of the amount of intake. This is because he cannot metabolize an amino acid. Excessive intake can lead to unmetabolizable toxic substances attacking the brain. It can result in neurological damage, developmental regression, inability to walk, talk, or even swallow to eat, or in more serious cases, death. This disease is extremely rare and incurable worldwide.
When he was about 10 months old, after a thorough examination, he was diagnosed with a rare metabolic disorder: glutaric acidemia. At that time, he was already developmentally delayed, his whole body was so limp that he couldn't even hold his body, he had to lean on adults, he didn't respond to name calling, he kept sleeping and waking up crying every day, waking up in 20 minutes during the day, and waking up 3-4 times at night, crying like he was in great shock. Moreover, the examination also revealed two huge cysts in his brain. This brought me to the brink of collapse.
I didn't understand why he would have such an incurable disease when everything was running well on the pregnancy and maternity tests. I was not sure if he would be healthy. I didn't want to think about how he would live his future life. I was so stressed that I had to quit my job and take care of him at home all day. Although I watched him 24 hours a day, I could not save him. Hence, this kind of companionship was actually an immense torment. I never felt so helpless. As if a huge stone was residing in my heart, I could not breathe.
I am grateful to Guan Yin Bodhisattva for Her great compassion, for allowing me to encounter the Dharma at the most helpless moment, and for meeting my benefactor Master Lu.
(1). I was fortunate to meet my benefactor Master Lu: Some good may come out of any gloomy situation
At that time, I asked someone to introduce me to a Feng Shui master who was quite knowledgeable. She first recommended that I go to a Taoist temple to do the Taoist mass ritual, but it did not have much effect on my child. Then one day out of the blue, she sent me a message saying that there is now a very efficacious Dharma Door. It is the Guan Yin Bodhisattva’s Dharma Door. Master Lu is a great Bodhisattva who received Guan Yin Bodhisattva’s decree. Master Lu has returned to Saha World to redeem all beings by his vow. He can observe the beings’ cause and effect of three periods of time: past, present and future. He has saved innumerable people. She also told me that if I could get through to Master Lu’s Totem reading hotline, the child would get well very quickly. However, whether or not I could get through depends on my destiny. This is because thousands of people call this life-saving number at the same time every day.
Hearing this, I instantly felt that my child was saved and decided to call the number no matter how difficult it was to call through since it was the only way to save my child. Within a few days, the phone call got through. Master Lu told me there was an animal spirit in the child’s body, and also enlightened me about something unknown. Since I was new to the Dharma and still didn't understand, I didn't ask many important questions. However, this call gave me the strong belief that Master Lu is really divine and that there is really “the cause and effect” in this world. I told myself that since there is the cause and effect, there must be a solution to it.
On that night I was also affected by some negative remarks about the Dharma Door, and I was confused. Late that night, I sat alone in the living room and quietly pondered whether these words were true. Was Master Lu preaching the proper Dharma or not?
As I thought about these questions, what kept lingering in my mind was a video of Master Lu’s teachings that I had seen once. At the end of one of the Dharma Conferences, Master Lu said goodbye to countless Buddhists. In spite of the fact that he was already on the bus, he kept looking at the suffering beings with great heartache and choking back tears. This video touched me so much that I could not help but cry when I first watched it and every time I watched it afterwards. I thought to myself, "How could such a compassionate master, such a merciful master who cares for all sentient beings, be like that (editor’s note: “like that” indicates those slanders and libels)? If he didn't have mighty vows, profound compassion, and supreme divine power, how could he have convinced countless sentient beings to follow and worship him? So that night, I decided not to read these unfounded slanders and libels anymore. Instead, I decided to be single-minded, to worship Guan Yin Bodhisattva and Master Lu, cultivate my mind and change my behavior.
That night, I dreamed of a huge Buddha in all His glory. I dreamed of a dazzling array of Dharma tools on the Buddhist altar in front of the Buddha. I picked one up with such joy and said, "This is good." At that moment a very compassionate voice next to me responded, "This is good, but unfortunately there are no Buddhist scriptures on it." After I woke up, the words still seemed to be in my ears. After telling it to one of my fellow Buddhist practitioners, she replied, "Master Lu is telling you to recite the Buddhist scriptures quickly!"
So, I started daily Buddhist scripture recitation and reciting Little Houses according to the introduction of the Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door. A few days later, I had another dream. I dreamed that the Feng Shui master who had transformed me into a Buddhist was running wildly with some bad guys chasing after us. As we ran into a dead end, with no road in front of us, the bad guys got closer. We were in an urgent hurry. At this moment, a white-robed elder came down from the sky. He waved his hand at the wall, and a gorgeous painting came down from the sky. The dead end ahead became a boulevard, with birds and flowers everywhere. After a while he waved his hand again and said, "It can also become like this." Soon the dead-end road ahead turned into another wonderful scene. It was so amazing that panic was soon thrown aside. When I woke up, my dream was still clear. Maybe Master Lu was enlightening me: as long as I cultivate myself well, everything will work out.
So, I made vows not to kill, not to eat live animals, and to be vegetarian two days per month. I will release the lives under slaughter for my child, and I will convince sentient beings to practice Buddhism using my experiences. I pray to the Bodhisattva to bless my child to gain health as soon as possible. During the following days, I got up early and got to bed late, reciting Buddhist scriptures until late at night when I could not open my eyes anymore. During that time, even though I was tired, my heart was extremely relieved, and my worries and fears were cleared away. In the case of illness that can't be cured by doctors, Dharma is the only life-saving medicine. Every time I recite a Little House, the child moves closer to recovery, so it's all worth it!
I remember when I had a severe cold, my throat was so sore that it felt like a knife grindched between breaths. However, I still kept chanting. Then the pain was too much to bear. I prayed to the Bodhisattva to bless my throat not to hurt too much, so I could recite more Little Houses. I didn't expect that within a few minutes after this intention came out, my throat really didn't hurt at all. It was incredible.
So in fact, the Bodhisattva is really around us all the time. When you have a sincere heart, are diligent, and have a right prayer, the Bodhisattva will assist us compassionately.
(2). A destiny arises from a vow. Since I made a vow to become vegetarian for life, Guan Yin Bodhisattva blessed my child to have his totem read by Master Lu
On the eve of Spring Festival 2018, our whole family flew to Australia for the first time to attend Master Lu’s Sydney Grand Dharma Conference. The night before the conference, I asked for help online. I hoped that my fellow Buddhist practitioners transfer the totem reading opportunity to me if they drew the lots. I said, "If I have the opportunity to have Master Lu read my child's totem, I will vow to be vegetarian lifelong." Soon a senior practitioner sent me a message telling me that I couldn't negotiate with the Bodhisattva like that. I should make a big vow first. It is only with a vow that I will be able to change my destiny, and it is only with a vow that I will be able to move heaven, earth, and Bodhisattva. Destiny is born from a vow. At this point, I realized how foolish and greedy I was and decided to repent properly. On the morning of February 11, 2018, I made a vow to be vegetarian lifelong at the Sydney Guan Yin Hall. When I arrived at the Dharma Conference site in the afternoon, I was inexplicably moved to tears.
The shocking thing was that the senior practitioner who persuaded me to make a great vow actually won the number to read the totem and mercifully transferred this opportunity to me. I was lucky to have my child’s totem read for the first time to attend Dharma Conference. At that moment, I really realized that only with the power of vows can there be destiny. Only with power of vow can we move the heavens, earth, and Bodhisattvas. Destiny is born from vows!
Master Lu once enlightened us that Guan Yin Bodhisattva answers all prayers. As long as we make a vow, we will have the day to solve the problem.
(3). The power of blessing at Dharma Conference is huge, and my child's various developments have improved dramatically
At this Sydney Dharma Conference, Master Lu enlightened me that I should first repay the child's karmic creditor 127 Little Houses. As expected, after these 127 sheets were paid, his situation of crying all day suddenly and miraculously improved. As if a person at the bottom of the valley glimpsed a ray of sunshine, my faith in Buddhism became stronger and stronger. I began to make vows, recite Buddhist scriptures, release lives, and support Master Lu's Dharma Conferences to help my child eliminate karma. I formally became Master Lu’s disciple in New York, United States in October 2018.
Speaking of that trip to New York, it was really a wonderful and miraculous experience, which let my child's development improve by leaps and bounds. First of all, on the night I returned home, he could suddenly identify red, yellow, blue, green and other colors accurately. We had taught him for months before that, but he couldn't learn. Seeing this scene, his father said from the bottom of his heart, "This is amazing!" He, who was not as pious as I was, in front of the miracle, finally realized from the bottom of his heart that the Buddha’s powers are boundless. The next day, as usual, I took my child to rehabilitation. After the first set of movements, the rehabilitation therapist was surprised and said, "The child hasn't trained for more than half a month, but the back strength has actually improved a lot. I didn't expect that!" We were all very excited. At the same time, the child also made a major breakthrough in his language skills. He expressed sentences such as "I want to eat", "I want a toy" and "Mommy, get out and play" clearly and actively. Overnight, the child was magically enlightened.
Followed, there was one happy event after another. The child’s abnormal metabolic index dropped from 1142 to 16. The medical specialist did not believe the diagnosis results. The specialist compared the data with previous data repeatedly. The specialist asked me several times if I had given the child metabolic drugs before the test. I repeatedly answered, "No, I didn't.” In fact, I knew very well in my heart that if it wasn’t for the blessing of Guan Yin Bodhisattva and Master Lu, how could such a miracle occur?
What was even more incredible was that at the 2019 Sydney Grand Dharma Conference, by coincidence, the benefactor Lu once again read the child’s totem. He gave blessings on spot, and even His Dharmakaya came to the dream to bless the child. On the day we returned home, the child suddenly shook off our hands and wandered around alone for over an hour at Sydney airport. We were all shocked! Before coming to Sydney, his legs were so weak that he stumbled when two people walked alongside him. How could such a miracle have been possible if we had not been fortunate enough to encounter the Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door, if our benefactor Lu had not compassionately blessed him several times?
Master Lu once enlightened us, "Why do you want to attend the Dharma Conference? There is a great deal of blessing when you go to the "place where the Bodhisattva has come" and you can enjoy a long period of blessing." What the benefactor enlightened is true. How many lifetimes of behavior cultivation and affinity with Buddha have made it possible for us to have such a blessing in this life, to encounter such an efficacious and prestigious Dharma Door in the Age of Dharma Decline? Really, we must cherish it!
(4). Under the benefactor’s enlightening and Guan Yin Bodhisattva’s blessing the child passed through his fetal calamity
In fact, the aforementioned trip to Sydney for Spring Festival 2019 was a mixture of joy and sorrow for us. The joy was that the child suddenly could walk independently. The sorrow was that after reading the child’s totem, Master Lu enlightened me, "Be prepared, the child will pass away at 3". This is because he killed two large animals in his previous life. The spirits of these two dead animals attached to his brain cysts in this life. Master Lu was compassionate and let the spirit in the right cyst go away on the spot. However, the spirit in the left cyst was fierce and did not leave. In light of this, Master Lu reminded me that the cyst on the left would keep growing and was dangerous. At that moment, a strong feeling of powerlessness came to me. One’s present life is the result of past life. Karmic retribution is inescapable.
Having learned from the pain, I increased my vow power and tried harder to recite Buddhist scriptures, release lives and conduct merits and virtues. One night I dreamed that my child was swimming happily with many turtles on the side. When I woke up, I thought, "Has the child's fatal predestined calamity passed? Has he extended his lifespan? This is because Master Lu enlightened us that dreaming of turtles and tortoises means lifespan is extended.
Our family discussed and decided to take the child to have an MRI re-examination. The result was exactly the same as what Master Lu enlightened us about a year ago. The left cyst was enlarged, producing pressure, and was very critical. The doctor informed us to arrange for him to be hospitalized for an operation as soon as possible. It was difficult for my husband to accept the result. He went around and consulted many senior specialists, but all the treatment plans were "operation as soon as possible", while the risk was very high.
Strangely enough, no matter how terrible the doctor said it was, I was always at peace with it and felt it should not be so. We refused the doctor's advice to operate immediately and flew to Sydney again in January 2020 to see our benefactor. The Bodhisattva had already arranged everything. This time it was very opportune to have his totem read. I asked Master Lu, "The child is still in calamity, will surgery be dangerous?" Master Lu answered, "If he gets on the operating table, it is likely that he will not come down. Without surgery, there will be no problem. This is because you are very pious and desperately reciting sutras and mantras, Guan Yin Bodhisattva has let that spirit that will kill him leave."
Hearing this, I was already convinced that the previous dream of lifespan extension was true. Although the left cyst had not been completely eliminated, the Greatly Compassionate Bodhisattva saved his life in the nick of time. This allowed him to pass this life-threatening calamity. Had it not been for the kind reminder of Master Lu and the compassionate saving of the Bodhisattva, the consequences would have been unthinkable.
That day, Master Lu enlightened us to give him Chinese medical treatment to shrink the cyst while continuing to recite the Buddhist scriptures well. He enlightened us, "Remember this! As long as Guan Yin Bodhisattva cares about you, any problem can be solved! If one day you dream of Guan Yin Bodhisattva, or dream of a gentleman in a suit (editor’s note: “gentleman in a suit” indicates Master Lu) coming to give blessings, the child’s cyst will be completely healed and there will be no need for surgery." These words of Master Lu were both a reassurance and a shot in the arm, spurring me on every day and night to just plow on and to practice Buddhism diligently.
He is currently 6 years old and is in kindergarten. He can run and jump. He recently learned how to jump rope, and is proud to say that he ranks first among the boys in his class. He can speak well, recite ancient poems, tell stories and read English. His intellectual development is already one year ahead. He won the first prize in the regional toddler category at the Global Youth Artificial Intelligence Competition last year. He loves Grandpa Lu very much. He recites the Great Compassion Mantra and the Heart Sutra. Once he sees a fish, he will say, "We have to release it because the small fish have to go home to its mother." He also used to say, "I'll do as I'm told and be an honest boy, and Guan Yin Bodhisattva will surely bless me!"
I hope that in the near future, I will be able to share with you again with the happy news that his left brain cyst has completely disappeared and healed, so that all of us Buddhists can once again truly witness the Greatly Compassion of Guan Yin Bodhisattva, the truthfulness of Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door, and the selfless altruism of our benefactor Master Jun Hong Lu. May every sentient being in the world be as fortunate as you and I to encounter the Dharma soon, break free from delusion and attain enlightenment, cultivate diligently, and be free from suffering and gain happiness!
My deepest gratitude to the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva!
My deepest gratitude to all Buddhas and Bodhisattvas from ten directions and three periods of time!
My deepest gratitude to the Dharma protectors!
My deepest gratitude to the selfless and altruistic Master Jun Hong Lu!
My deepest gratitude to my fellow practitioners!
If there is anything that is not rational or in line with the truth in the presentation, I pray to seek forgiveness from the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva, all Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, Dharma protectors, and Master Jun Hong Lu.
I and my family, not my fellow practitioners, will be responsible for our own karma. Gratitude
From: Feedback from Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door practitioners on Master Lu’s blog
Presenter: Anonymous
Translator: Frank
Published: 2023-04-16
Statement by translator
The story was translated from Chinese into English by meaning, not word by word. If there is anything that is not rational or in line with the true meaning of the Chinese version, I pray for forgiveness from the Greatly Merciful and Greatly Compassionate Guan Yin Bodhisattva, all Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, Dharma protectors and Master Jun Hong Lu.
Propagation
It would be greatly appreciated if you would forward this presentation to all sentient beings you know, sick or healthy. You will accumulate immeasurable merits and virtues. Saving a life is more meritorious than building a seven-floor pagoda!
Would you like to change your destiny?
We will show you how to do the Five Golden Buddhist Practices of Guan Yin Citta Dharma Door: (1) making vows, (2) reciting Buddhist scriptures (sutras and mantras), (3) performing life liberation, (4) reading Buddhism in Plain Terms, and (5) repenting. You will personally witness how you and your family can achieve physical and mental stability, relief from illness and grievances, wisdom growth, academic progress, career advancement, and family happiness through Dharma. It’s free of charge.
Contact
Buddhist practitioner: Lily
Email: [sunnypurplelily@gmail.com](mailto:sunnypurplelily@gmail.com)
WeChat: HanJing20210820
原文如下：
观世音菩萨慈悲救度罕见病患儿神速康复，躲过生死大劫——心灵法门网友反馈
2023-04-16
感恩南无大慈大悲救苦救难广大灵感观世音菩萨摩诃萨！
感恩十方三世一切诸佛菩萨及龙天护法菩萨！
感恩恩师慈父卢军宏台长师父！
感恩所有的师兄们！
怀着无比感恩的心，在此与各位师兄们分享，我家孩子是如何在大慈大悲观世音菩萨和恩师卢军宏台长的慈悲救度下，躲过生死大劫，神速康复的。分享过程中如有不如理不如法，祈请诸佛菩萨和师兄们慈悲原谅，感恩！
我的孩子患有一种罕见代谢病，就是很多常见食物，比如肉、蛋、奶、豆制品、豆类蔬菜，他都要严格控制，因为有一种氨基酸他代谢不了。过量摄入的话，会导致无法代谢的毒性物质攻击脑部，造成孩子神经系统受损，发育倒退，不会走路、不会说话、甚至不会吞咽吃东西，更严重的会导致丧命。这种疾病极为罕见，目前全世界都无法治愈。
我们是在孩子10个月左右时，才通过检查发现，他患有这种不治之症的。在做全面检查后，他被确诊为患有罕见代谢病：戊二酸血症。那时，他已经发育迟缓了，全身软塌塌的，抱着都撑不起身体，必须倚在大人身上，喊名字没反应，每天睡觉不停，惊醒哭闹，白天20分钟就要惊醒，晚上夜醒3、4次，每次都像受到了极大的惊吓狂哭不止。而且，检查还发现，他的脑部有两个巨大的囊肿。这让我接近崩溃的边缘。
我不明白，明明怀孕、产检都一切顺利正常，好端端的孩子为什么会得这种不治之症？我不清楚，他以后能否恢复健康。我不敢想，他未来的人生要怎么走下去。当时，我心理压力极大，不得已辞去了工作，在家全天照顾孩子。但这种陪伴其实是一种巨大的煎熬，因为虽然我24小时守护着孩子，却救不了他，从未有过这种无能为力的感觉，我很痛苦，心里像压了块巨石，透不过气来。
感恩观世音菩萨大慈大悲，让我在最无助的时候得闻佛法，知遇恩师。
一、幸遇恩师，山穷水尽疑无路，柳暗花明又一村
那时，我请人帮我介绍了一位颇有道行的风水师。她先是推荐我去一处道观做了法事，但没什么效果。后来突然有一天，她发我信息，说现在有一个十分灵验的法门，是观世音菩萨的法门，师父卢台长是领了观世音菩萨旨意、乘愿再来度化众生的大菩萨，能观三世因果，救了很多人。她还告诉我，如果能打通师父的看图腾热线，孩子会好得很快，不过能否打通要看缘分，因为每天同时有成千上万的人同时在拨打这个救命电话。
听到这里，我立刻觉得孩子有救了，决定无论如何也要打通电话，因为这是唯一的救命稻草。没几天，电话果然打通了。师父告诉我孩子身上有个动物的灵性，还点化了我一些不为人知的事情。由于我当时刚接触还不懂，很多重要问题都没问。但这个电话给了我很大的信念，师父真的很神通，这个世界真的有因果。我告诉自己，既然有因果，就一定有解因果的方法，只要解了因果，孩子的病症也许就不治而愈了。
可是当天晚上，我也受到负能量的言论的影响，我有些迷惑。那天深夜，我一个人坐在客厅里，静静地思考，这些话究竟是真是假？师父所传的究竟是不是正法？
当我在思考这些问题时，脑海里始终挥之不去的是曾经看到过的一段师父的弘法视频。那是某场法会结束后，师父跟无数簇拥的佛友们合十告别，虽然人已坐上缓缓驶去的大巴，但师父却无比心痛地一直望着这些苦难众生，忍不住哽咽泪流。这段视频给我的触动极大，当时第一次看到乃至之后每一次看到时都会忍不住落泪。我在想，如此慈悲的师父，如此心系众生悲愍众生的师父，怎么可能那样？若不是有大愿力、大悲心、大神通，如何能令无穷无尽的众生信服敬仰？于是，那天晚上我决定再也不看这些莫须有的诽谤和污蔑，而是一心一意，拜在观世音菩萨和师父的门下，好好修心修行。
那天晚上，我梦见一尊巨大的佛，光彩夺目，佛前案台上摆放着琳琅满目的法器，我拿起一件很是欢喜，说：“这个不错。”这时旁边有个很慈悲的声音说道：“好是好，可惜上面没有经文。”醒来后，这句话仿佛还在耳畔。讲给一位师兄听后，她说：“师父是在让你赶快念经！”
于是，我开始按照心灵法门的修行方式，念诵基本功课和经文组合小房子。几天后，又做了一个梦，梦见度我的那位风水师带着我狂奔，后面有几个坏人在追赶，跑着跑着我们到了一个死胡同，前面没了路，而坏人越来越近，我们急得不得了。这时，一位白袍长者从天而降，他用手在墙上一挥，一幅精美的画卷从天而降，前面的死胡同变成了林荫大道、鸟语花香；过了一会他又用手一挥，说：“还可以变成这样。”很快前方死路又变成另外一番美妙的景象，实在是太神奇了，惊恐很快被抛到了九霄云外。醒来后，梦境依然十分清晰。我想，可能是师父在点化我，天无绝人之路，只要好好修，一定是柳暗花明又一村。
于是，我发愿，终生不杀生、不吃活物、每个月吃两天素、为孩子放生、以后现身说法，恳请菩萨保佑孩子早日恢复健康。接下来的每一天，都是起早贪黑地拼命念经，一直念到深夜眼皮再也睁不开的时候倒头便睡。那段时间哪怕再累，内心却是极为舒展的，担忧、恐惧都一扫而空。因为我深知，对于这种医学上无能为力的病症，佛法是唯一的救命良药，我每多念一张小房子，孩子就离康复更近一步，所以，一切都值得！
记得那时我有一次重感冒，喉咙痛得不得了，呼吸间都像刀子在磨，但我依然坚持念经。后来实在痛得受不了了，我就祈求菩萨保佑我喉咙不要太痛，让我可以多念些小房子。没想到这个意念出来后没几分钟，喉咙真的就一点也不痛了，简直不可思议。
所以其实，菩萨真的一直就在我们身边。只要你心诚，你努力，你正求，无论大事小情菩萨都会帮我们慈悲化解的。
二、缘由愿来，发愿吃全素，观世音菩萨成全现场看图腾
2018年春节前夕，我们全家人第一次前往澳洲参加师父的悉尼大法会。法会前夜，我在网上求助，请求师兄们如果抽到图腾机会能转让给我，我说：“如果有机会看上图腾，我一定发愿终生吃全素。”很快一位师兄给我发消息，告诉我不能这样跟菩萨谈条件，应该是自己先发大愿，有愿力才有缘分，有愿力才能感动天地菩萨，缘由愿生。这时，我才意识到自己是多么地愚痴和贪心，决定好好悔过。于2018年2月11日上午在悉尼观音堂发愿终生全素。下午到了法会现场，我莫名感动，泪流满面。
令人震惊的是，这位劝化我发大愿的师兄竟然真的抽中了看图腾号码，并慈悲转让给了我，让第一次参加法会的我就幸运地看上了图腾。那一刻，我真真切切地体会到：有愿力才有缘分，有愿力才能感动天地菩萨，缘由愿生！
师父曾经说过，观世音菩萨有求必应。只要你许愿，你就有解决问题的那一天。
三、殊胜法会加持力巨大，孩子各项发育突飞猛进
在这次的悉尼法会上，师父告诉我，要先给孩子的要经者127张小房子。果不其然，这127张烧送完毕后，孩子整天拼命哭闹的情况突然就神奇地好转了，不可思议。仿佛身处谷底的人瞥见一线阳光，我学佛的信念越发坚定，开始了拼命许愿、念经、放生、助缘师父法会，帮孩子消业、也救度自己身心的修行之路，并于2018年10月在美国拜了师。
说起那次美国纽约拜师之旅，真是殊胜神奇，孩子的各方面发育都突飞猛进。首先是回国当晚，孩子突然能准确无误地辨认红、黄、蓝、绿等多种颜色。要知道，在此之前我们苦苦教了几个月他都学不会啊。看到这一幕，孩子父亲由衷地说了句：“这也太神奇了！”之前并不像我这样虔诚笃信的他，终于在奇迹面前发自肺腑地意识到，佛法无边。第二天，按照惯例我带孩子去做康复，在做完第一组动作后，康复师很惊讶地说：“半个多月没训练了，腰部力量居然进步很大，没想到啊！”我们都很振奋。与此同时，孩子语言能力也有了重大突破，能清晰主动表达“我要吃饭”“我要玩具”“妈妈，出去玩”等句子了。一夜之间，孩子就这样神奇地开窍了。
接下来，开心的事情一桩接一桩。孩子的异常代谢指标从1142降到了16，专家都不相信，反复对比前后数据，问了我几次，是不是在化验前给孩子服用代谢药物了。我一再说，没有没有。其实我心底很清楚，若不是菩萨妈妈和师父的佛力加持，怎可能出现这样的奇迹！
更不可思议的是，2019年的悉尼大法会，机缘巧合，恩师再次为孩子看图腾、现场加持、甚至法身也到梦境中给孩子加持。回国那天，孩子在悉尼机场，突然就甩开我们的手，独自逛了一个多小时。我们当时都震惊了！因为在来悉尼之前，他还是腿软得不行，两个人一左一右搀着走都踉踉跄跄。若不是有幸遇到观世音菩萨法门，若不是恩师几度慈悲加持，怎可能有这样的奇迹？
师父曾经说过，“为什么要参加法会？因为你去‘菩萨来过的地方’，你可以享受很长的福报的。”恩师所言不虚。多少世的修行和缘分，才让我们今世能有如此福德，在末法时期遇到如此灵验殊胜的心灵法门？真的，千万要珍惜啊！
四、恩师点化、观世音菩萨加持孩子躲过生死大劫
其实，前面提到的2019年春节悉尼之行，对我们来说是悲喜交加。喜的是，孩子突然能独立行走了。悲的是，师父在给孩子看图腾之后，告诉我“要有思想准备，孩子3岁左右会走人”。因为孩子前世曾犯下杀业，打死过两个大动物，这两个动物的灵性今生就附着在孩子脑部的两个囊肿里。师父慈悲，当场就请走了右边那个灵性，但左边的灵性很凶、不买账，所以师父提醒我，左侧囊肿会一直长大的，很危险。那一刻，一股强大的无力感向我袭来，前世因，今世果，因果报应丝毫不爽。
痛定思痛之后，我加大愿力，更加拼命地念经、放生、做功德。就这样日以继夜地又坚持了快一年的时候，我有天晚上梦见孩子在很快乐地游泳，一旁有很多很多的龟。醒来后我想，难道孩子大劫已过？延寿了？因为师父说过，梦见甲鱼、乌就是延寿。
于是家人商量了下，决定带孩子去做核磁共振复查。检查结果跟师父一年前说的一模一样，左侧囊肿增大，产生压迫，很危急。医生通知我们尽快住院开刀。先生很不甘心地东奔西走，咨询了好多位资深专家，给出的诊疗方案都是“尽快开刀”，但风险很大。
奇怪的是，无论医生说多么严重，我的内心却始终很平静，总觉得事实不该如此。于是，我们拒绝了医生立刻手术的建议，于2020年1月再度飞往悉尼拜见恩师。冥冥之中菩萨已有安排，这次又是十分机缘巧合地看上了图腾。我问师父：“孩子目前还在劫中，手术会不会有危险？”师父说：“如果上手术台，很可能下不来。不做手术，不会出问题的。因为你们很虔诚拼命念经，观世音菩萨已经让那个会要命的灵性离开了。”
听到这里，我已确信之前的那个延寿的梦境是真的，虽然囊肿还未彻底消除，但大慈大悲的观世音菩萨已在紧要关头救下了孩子的性命，让孩子顺利躲过了这场生死大劫。若不是恩师慈悲提醒，若不是观世音菩萨慈悲救度，后果真的不堪设想。
那天，师父让我们一边给孩子中医调理让囊肿缩小，一边继续好好念经。他说：“你们记住了！只要观世音菩萨关心你，什么问题都能解决！如果哪天你梦到观世音菩萨，或者梦见一个穿西装的来加持，孩子的囊肿就彻底好了，就不需要手术了。”师父的这番话既是一颗定心丸，又是一剂强心针，在每一个日日夜夜鞭策我只管耕耘、精进努力。
就这样，孩子毫发无损地躲过了命根当中的生死大劫。他目前6岁上幼儿园大班，能跑会跳，最近还学会了跳绳，自己很自豪说是在班级男生中排名第一。他能说会道，背古诗、讲故事、念英文，都不在话下。他智力发育，已经比正常年龄超常1岁，去年参加全球青少年人工智能竞赛，取得了地区幼儿组一等奖的好成绩。他很爱卢台长爷爷，会念大悲咒、心经，他看见鱼就说，“要放生，因为小鱼要回家找妈妈。”他还常说：“我听话做好孩子，观世音菩萨肯定会保佑我的！”
期望在不久的将来，我能带着孩子脑部囊肿彻底消失痊愈的喜讯再次现身说法，让我们佛友都能再次真切地体会到观世音菩萨大慈大悲、心灵法门真实不虚、恩师卢军宏台长无我利他舍身度众。愿天下每一个有缘众生都能如你我般幸运，早日闻到佛法，破迷开悟，精进修行，离苦得乐！
感恩南无大慈大悲救苦救难广大灵感观世音菩萨摩诃萨！
感恩十方三世一切诸佛菩萨及龙天护法菩萨！
感恩恩师慈父卢军宏台长师父！
感恩所有的师兄们！
分享过程中如有不如理不如法，祈请南无大慈大悲观世音菩萨慈悲原谅，祈请诸佛菩萨及龙天护法菩萨慈悲原谅，祈请恩师慈悲原谅。我和家人的业障自己背，不让师兄们背。感恩！
——心灵法门网友反馈
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Hi everyone. I think that I might be experiencing Limerence. I feel very overwhelmed and unsure how to handle this situation. Any support or advice would be appreciated.
I’ll try to summarize my situation the best that I can. After I had an extremely difficult loss in my family, I completely closed off. I don’t think I’ve ever isolated myself that deeply before. The grief was overwhelming. I decided to join some support groups online in the hopes of getting myself out of my comfort zone, and hopefully meeting some new people. I joined this beautiful online community and made some great friends. The group creator specifically I had a quick connection with due to both of us being neurodivergent, queer, and having a lot in common. I felt immediately drawn to her, I couldn’t explain it. As our friendship grew so did my romantic feelings. I felt scared that my romantic feelings were because I was grieving, and so I tried to push them away. They wouldn’t leave though, and that made me realize that they were legitimate.
I was starting to pick up on some signs that my feelings could potentially be returned a few months into the friendship, but there was a part of me that was also scared to believe it. As time has gone on our relationship has ebbed and flowed. The friendship is still there, but I’ve come to realize that both her and I have a lot of issues with disorganized attachment. The deeper my romantic feelings have gotten, the more afraid I’ve become of rejection, of losing her, but also of truly opening my heart to her. It’s gotten to the point where sometimes this relationship becomes extremely painful for me.
I see her trying to make connection with me. I know she cares about me and would support me if I ever needed someone. Yet there are times where she becomes so consumed by her insecurities and her fears of being loved that it makes me feel rejected, even after she’s done things to show me she cares for me. My mind can twist almost anything into a negative tbh. After seeing a pattern between our interactions and poetry that she writes about having romantic feelings for someone who looks like me, sounds like me, and topics being written about that we’ve recently discussed before the poem is posted, I think that we might actually both be each other’s LO.
There are days where it’s difficult for me to focus on anything else but this relationship. I can get consumed with my daydreams about her. I can also become consumed with my relationship anxiety, and my desire to control the outcome of this relationship because I’m afraid of getting hurt. It’s like there’s moments where I truly do want to let her go so I can be free of the pain, and moments where I don’t because I want to have hope. I’m confused how to navigate this. It’s hard to feel the extreme intensity of the anxiety and the ways this relationship triggers my attachment trauma. I started therapy in March and I’m trying to work on this. I just recently started coming to the realization that this might be Limerence. I’m looking for information to try to understand how I can make this easier for me to navigate, especially with this being a person who is my friend. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you so much!

Hi I need help typing my younger sister! I’ve been trying to but i’m new to typology and it’s difficult to get behind her castle walls. Im aware of cognitive functions and I understand that behavior doesn’t necessarily correlate to cognition, but this is just a starting point and it’s for fun. These are based off my observations and what she’s mentioned also keep in mind she has social anxiety and a fearful avoidant attachment
• Responsible, high grades. She’s quite academically focused, always does her work on time, projects beforehand and willingly helps. She’s mentioned to me before that without a structure (like school) she’d be aimless, so she struggles with finishing personal projects.
• Extremely quiet but very bubbly when talked to that it almost feels fake. Listener role, comforter, exaggerated responses, blank stares, tries to conjure a thoughtful response to people
• Generous, kind to everyone at a fault. says “as long as you don’t hurt anyone”. Willing to lie to not hurt someone’s feelings; sugarcoats. Sometimes blunt, sarcastic, and stoic when social battery runs out
• An enigma to everyone. She reveals nothing to her close circle nor her family. Would probably take 6 years to open up to people. Observer role but will ask many questions.
• Maybe this is related but her only friend is an infj and even though they don’t talk, they seem to understand each other from a distance and somehow are very close in a way.
• Go with the flow only for other people. Otherwise delaying decisions, surprise plans, spontaneous hangouts overwhelm her but she tolerates it to please others. Also easily influenced by others
• She plans to minor in philosophy, pursue psychology/neurosciences, and down the line, animation. Her interests revolve around those subjects
• Usually spends her time reading, writing, (poems, stories, thoughts) learning, researching, watching video essays, setting goals, crocheting, painting, volunteering, and staring at the wall. She told me hobbies feel futile unless they’re meaningful or contribute to the future. So she’s really interested in philosophy, spirituality, the arts, and taking online neuroscience courses.
• Creative; artistic. The person who family goes to for solving problems, idea generator. Modest of her abilities. She says her ideas aren’t great and It could take her time to come up with something on the spot. When we brainstorm she often prioritizes fleshing out ideas (her words)
• Curious. Need to be knowledgeable. Analytical. Indecisive due to overanalyzing everything. always asking “why”. She’s also very careful with her words - always precise with her vocabulary and eloquent. Partly bc she’s afraid of hurting someone’s feelings.
• She sets goals to create healthy habits but struggles maintaining them. Need to be productive but struggles doing things. She’s the type to wake up at 6AM to meditate, walk, and have a clean room. One time she become so obsessed with “self improvement” that she strictly ate, overexercised, and killed her health.
• She says the thing that drives her in life is thinking about her future. She typically views it in a bright light. Otherwise, when she hits rock bottom it’s because of losing motivation or about “not being worth her future.” I feel like she’s very uncertain with herself but at the same time pushing for that vision.
• Will completely self isolate and binge eat when stressed.
• Can get caught up with perfectionism.
• Literal hermit. Never an ounce of light in her room cuz she’s easily overstimulated. It’s dull and empty because she “doesn’t notice it”, she can’t think well if it’s dirty, and that too much things would overwhelm her senses. but she’s worried that it doesn’t look inviting or warm to other people
• Not big on clothing aesthetics, makeup, or perfumes unless it’s minimalistic, doesn’t seem in tune with those things unless she feels insecure (she’s possibly XXXF) She still cares about the way she presents herself though and has a good fashion sense.
• Unaware of surroundings, in a constant trance, forgets to do basic tasks. Has a “lost, floating away” vibe. She prefers to stay on the sideline and disappear into the background. Whenever she moves or does anything she’s careful.
• Ruins movies by predicting the ending. Also fragile hearted and easily cries when watching heart touching movies.
• Adamant about considering all perspectives, thinking things through, and “seeing beyond”
• She said she can’t share her thoughts because they’re not interesting enough and “I feel like i’m pretending to be human to fool people to like me.” and that shes an empty canvas with no true value. Needs validation from others. Bottles her emotions and identity
• Has a neutral serious and sad feel to her until approached
• Doesn’t like change and is cautious. Can be adventurous and open though as long as the intention is clear
• Horrid memory and very forgetful so she tends to write down everything.
• Conflict avoidant or diplomatic approach. The one in the family to alleviate the situation or the “judge” who sees both sides. Usually my older istp brother comes to her to reinforce his logic in arguments.
• Empathetic even to people who may not deserve it.
• Picks out logical inconsistencies and plays devils advocate
• Open minded. Makes sure everyone’s thoughts are heard before making a decision.
• Told me as a child she’d daydream of having superpowers and saving people. Still a dreamer and quite a vivid imagination. Also, she loves listening to/sharing dreams and analyzing them.

I have fallen in love with my best friend, Ash, who did confessed to me that she loved me (but it was already revealed by her sister, so she felt it was forced out of her), but she then made herself uncontactable; she wouldn't answer and was hiding. I think she was afraid as I had never expressed (or at that point felt) romantic love for her. But from knowing about it, it bloomed into my chest and I just could stop thinking about her.
I choose to write a letter and gave it to her father. That day she sent a simple thanks, but to me it meant the world.
So I then made several physical photo albums and ecentric scrapbooks, over a couple weeks, and sent them to her. We then started to message each other again, but it was mostly pleasantries and nothing serious. I continued to create things that she liked; drawings, silly "scrap" scultures and some poems with her favorite references and inside jokes (they aren't great, so unsure if I want anyone else to read them) and gave them to her mother and/or father.
My sister kinda teased me about falling hard ("straight to the molten core") and she harped on me to try to visit Ash. But I'm a coward, at least when it comes to Ash.
She came to my home for exactly 6 days ago; taking with her several of the scrapbooks and homemade gifts, and we talked. Oh how we talked; spent the evening talking and even talked a couple of hours into the night. It all feels like a blurr, we discussed our entire past and when through the albums and scrapbooks. It was beyond refreshing. Over the time we talked we kinda attached to eachother. I'm not completely sure of the complete series of events, cause it happened so natural I didn't realize it, but first our hands touched eachother while looking through the album and we just completed each action, our hand meeting. I'm sure I blushed the first time but then it just got lost and she ended up half in my lap, her head on me should and my hand going from her back and into her hair and back down, while she softly held on to my left arm. We cuddled like that and then it happened! She kissed my cheek and we just stilled. At that point the rope that keept most of the affection at bay snapped. I turned her around and just kissed her, right on the lips. It was magical, and I just couldn't stop. Of course I had to be "adorkable" (her words, not mine) and professed my eternal love (so damn cheesy, looking back now its so embarassing) to her. She cried and sorta knocked me to "the ground" (couch, but that doesn't sound as dramatic). Well, she reciprocated my feelings (kinda obvious, but still, I need to mention it every time, I just can't believe it ❤️)
We have been spending some time together and recently had our first date and I can't stop smiling ❤️
Love you all ❤️ (maybe weird to say, but I just want everyone to feel at least on ounce of what I feel) ❤️
Edit: esl

Feel free to suggest whatever book. I am making good use of library genesis so I can get whatever I want.
I tried searching for articles myself on the negative numinous and although it seems like an essential concept to me I could find nothing. Maybe I just suck at researching.
I'm doing my MA thesis on Rudolf Otto and applying his work to the study of horror fiction. Example, one of the books I am citing is Haunted Presence: The Numinous in Gothic Fiction by S L Varnado. But where they focused on gothic horror, I'm looking at weird horror. So, authors like H P Lovecraft, and David Lindsay.
Rudolf Otto's concept of the negative numinous is mentioned ONCE in a footnote of Idea of the Holy. With this concept he is articulating an evil face of holiness: Satan, or wrath. But this concept exists elsewhere in that book. For example,
"The numinous only unfolds its full content by slow degrees, as one by one the series of requisite stimuli or incitements becomes operative. But where any whole is as yet incompletely presented its earlier and partial constituent moments or elements, aroused in isolation, have naturally something bizarre, unintelligible, and even grotesque about them. This is especially true of that religious moment which would appear to have been in every case the first to be aroused in the human mind, viz. daemonic dread. Considered alone and per se, it necessarily and naturally looks more like the opposite of religion than religion itself. If it is singled out from the elements which form its context, it appears rather to resemble a dreadful form of auto-suggestion, a sort of psychological nightmare of the tribal mind, than to have anything to do with religion; and the supernatural beings with whom men at this early stage profess relations appear as phantoms, projected by a morbid, undeveloped imagination afflicted by a sort of persecution-phobia. One can understand how it is that not a few inquirers could seriously imagine that 'religion' began with devil-worship, and that at bottom the devil is more ancient than God."
"How should it be logically inferred from the still 'crude', half-daemonic character of a moon-god or a sun-god or a numen attached to some locality, that he is a guardian and guarantor of the oath and of honourable dealing, of hospitality, of the sanctity of marriage, and of duties to tribe and clan? How should it be inferred that he is a god who decrees happiness and misery, participates in the concerns of the tribe, provides for its well-being, and directs the course of destiny and history? Whence comes this most surprising of all the facts in the history of religion, that beings, obviously born originally of horror and terror, become gods - beings to whom men pray, to whom they confide their sorrow or their happiness, in whom they behold the origin and the sanction of morality, law, and the whole canon of justice? And how does all this come about in such a way that, when once such ideas have been aroused, it is understood at once as the plainest and most evident of axioms, that so it must be?"
a quote from Numinous And Modernity by Todd A Gooch,
"Otto claims that, on the contrary, the origin of the gods must be sought in the unfamiliar and uncanny. It is precisely when the gods become too familiar that they begin to loose (sic) their religious power, as was the case, for example, in ancient Greece."
from Das Gefühl des Überweltlichen : (sensus numinis)
This is where Rudolf Otto gets weird and fascinating to me. This is what Gooch is talking about. To my knowledge this book by Otto is not available in English.
"Where the goddesses and gods became all-too noble and all-too charming and all-too human-like, belief in them was not at its highpoint, as one would have to assume according to the doctrine of anthropomorphism"
Here, Rudolf Otto seems to be saying that the negative numinous holds a privileged position in his evolutionary understanding of the numinous. And this is reflected in some parts of Idea of the Holy. In Idea of the Holy he argues mankind first encounters daemonic dread from evil nightmares but that pointing beyond themsevles we eventually arrive at the Christian God. This other book argues the opposite evolutionary trajectory. It is this trajectory that authors like Lovecraft and David Lindsay argue to be the true one.
A quotation from Timothy Beal from Religion And Its Monsters. This is the trajectory I am taking.
As personifications of radical otherness, monsters are often identified with the divine, especially conjuring its more dreadful, maleficent aspects. And experiences of horror in the face of the monstrous are often described in ways that suggest a kind of religious experience, an encounter with mysterious, ineffable otherness, eliciting an irreducible mix of dread and fascination, horror and wonder. Early on in religious studies, Rudolph Otto’s The Idea of the Holy (Das Heilige; 1917) recognized this affinity between religious experiences of radical otherness and encounters with the monstrous, describing the monstrous as an apt expression of the holy in all its aspects of overwhelming awe, wonder and dread—what he called the mysterium tremendum. The monstrous, for Otto, was a kind of monstrum tremendum, a dread envoy of the holy. Otto’s translator effectively captured this unsettling alloy of awe and horror in his use of the older English spelling of “aweful” that retains vertiginous combination of fascination and terror, attraction and repulsion. Thus we may recognize both conservative and subversive religious dimensions to supernatural horror and the monstrous. On the one hand, conservatively, they function to maintain order against chaos, to police the boundaries of the normal and the known by projecting otherness—within oneself, society and the cosmos—onto the monster and then blowing it away. In this way, they serve what Russell McCutcheon, Bruce Lincoln and other ideological-critical scholars of religion argue to be the primary function of religion, namely, the legitimation and sanctification of existing social and institutional structures of power and authority. As objectifications of otherness and anomaly, monsters serve to clearly locate and securely ground “us,” “here.” On the other hand, monsters of supernatural horror may also reveal an equally powerful subversive religious desire for dislocation and ungrounding, for the terrifying dimensions of holiness, in the face of which our own sense of selfhood and control is lost—a kind of ego annihilation in relation to radical otherness. In this way, monstrous horror testifies to the chaotic, disorienting dimensions of religious experience, which is not reducible to common mainstream representations of it in terms of goodness, beauty and human thriving.
A quote by David Lindsay, from A Voyage To Arcturus
"Maskull, though fully conscious of his companions and situation, imagined that he was being oppressed by a black, shapeless, supernatural being, who was trying to clasp him. He was filled with horror, trembled violently, yet could not move a limb. Sweat tumbled off his face in great drops. The waking nightmare lasted a long time, but during that space it kept coming and going. At one moment the vision seemed on the point of departing; the next it almost took shape—which he knew would be his death. Suddenly it vanished altogether—he was free. A fresh spring breeze fanned his face; he heard the slow, solitary singing of a sweet bird; and it seemed to him as if a poem had shot together in his soul. Such flashing, heartbreaking joy he had never experienced before in all his life! Almost immediately that too vanished. Sitting up, he passed his hand across his eyes and swayed quietly, like one who has been visited by an angel. 'Your colour changed to white,' said Corpang. 'What happened?' 'I passed through torture to love,' replied Maskull simply. He stood up. Haunte gazed at him sombrely. 'Will you not describe that passage?' Maskull answered slowly and thoughtfully. 'When I was in Matterplay, I saw heavy clouds discharge themselves and change to coloured, living animals. In the same way, my black, chaotic pangs just now seemed to consolidate themselves and spring together as a new sort of joy. The joy would not have been possible without the preliminary nightmare. It is not accidental; Nature intends it so. The truth has just flashed through my brain.... You men of Lichstorm don’t go far enough. You stop at the pangs, without realising that they are birth pangs.' 'If this is true, you are a great pioneer,' muttered Haunte. 'How does this sensation differ from common love?' interrogated Corpang. 'This was all that love is, multiplied by wildness.' "
From H P Lovecraft,
"This type of fear-literature must not be confounded with a type externally similar but psychologically widely different; the literature of mere physical fear and the mundanely gruesome. Such writing, to be sure, has its place, as has the conventional or even whimsical or humorous ghost story where formalism or the author’s knowing wink removes the true sense of the morbidly unnatural; but these things are not the literature of cosmic fear in its purest sense. The true weird tale has something more than secret murder, bloody bones, or a sheeted form clanking chains according to rule. A certain atmosphere of breathless and unexplainable dread of outer, unknown forces must be present; and there must be a hint, expressed with a seriousness and portentousness becoming its subject, of that most terrible conception of the human brain—a malign and particular suspension or defeat of those fixed laws of Nature which are our only safeguard against the assaults of chaos and the daemons of unplumbed space."
"Because we remember pain and the menace of death more vividly than pleasure, and because our feelings toward the beneficent aspects of the unknown have from the first been captured and formalised by conventional religious rituals, it has fallen to the lot of the darker and more maleficent side of cosmic mystery to figure chiefly in our popular supernatural folklore. This tendency, too, is naturally enhanced by the fact that uncertainty and danger are always closely allied; thus making any kind of an unknown world a world of peril and evil possibilities. When to this sense of fear and evil the inevitable fascination of wonder and curiosity is superadded, there is born a composite body of keen emotion and imaginative provocation whose vitality must of necessity endure as long as the human race itself. Children will always be afraid of the dark, and men with minds sensitive to hereditary impulse will always tremble at the thought of the hidden and fathomless worlds of strange life which may pulsate in the gulfs beyond the stars, or press hideously upon our own globe in unholy dimensions which only the dead and the moonstruck can glimpse."
Lovecraft finds spirituality emotionally real but intellectually false. He is self contradictory figure.
Ok so I realize this is long winded. But I am touching upon an ambiguity in Rudolf Otto's work that he greatly privileges daemonic dread as an essential feature of holiness. And weird horror like Lovecraft puts daemonic dread on a pedestal.
I'm looking for criticism of RUDOLF OTTO that addresses the weird importance he places on the spectral and daemonic dread in holiness. I'm looking to read more about this ambiguity that Timothy Beal touches on.
Another book I will be citing is The Terror That Comes In The Night by David J Hufford who describes the nightmare sleep paralysis phenomenon as numinous.

Hey, I'm an international student from India. My high school and senior secondary is done in CBSE curriculum. I don't plan to take the AP exams as such cuz they're obviou expensive and I'm broke (hence I'll be requiring financial aid) I plan to pursue Biomedical Engineering. First Generation/ Single Mothe Dad abandoned.
Responsibilities: Mother's leg got fractured in IXth- explains my relatively okay ish performance in finals of 9th grade. Also she suffers from calcium deficiency and bone related issues so I look upon that aspect too. Also have been batteling financial constraints and hence started working at a nearby store, managing academics + finances.
My stats: (My High School was relatively a small school catering to 300-450 students. Hence the opportunities I've received and activities undertaken are in lieu with this) Class IX Mid terms percentage - 94% Final-89% Was Vice Head Boy Vice Secretariat of Rotary Interact Club at my school. Ran a drive of making jute bags for and cup platters of jute for donation + environmental awareness and donation of stationary items to a nearby orphanage which housed about 50 orphan children. I also have a Painting Certificate from UNESCO and Ministry of Cultural Affairs at School level of mine.
Class Xth: Head Boy of the School: Leaded a Student Council of 20 members- consisting of both the Cabinet + Club Captains Made a healthy environment for students by spreading awareness about bullying and it's ill effects in the school.(this was a huge thing in my school) Plus organised the morning assembly class wise- in such a way to bring on to the stage every child of the school so that they get the opportunity to showcase themselves + combat stage fright and feeling of underconfident. Student testimonials after the tenure revealed that now they were much more confident on appearing on the stage to recite poems, speeches and dramas of there choice given the empowerment and system of Student Council Head
Member of the Literary Club. The assembly and students fighting their low self esteem was part of the initiative started at this club- first starting at the Club level during the particular 2 hours period of Club Activities and then expanded it to Morning Assembly.
Also won 3rd place in a Inter- School Competition in Review Writing (i don't think this is quite strong one but it's just there)
Wrote a drama and also acted in it on the School's Envision Annual Day which was based on "Evils of Dowry" and how it destroys the lives of women and those around them, along with displaying the other aspects of what happens when the same is done towards the groom side (this is a great societal plague that exists over here in communities where son is seen as an asset)
During the Board Examination period, started teaching peers and friends Science and Social Science who were facing academic setbacks and were unaware of how to proceed with the studying aspect- eventually helping them achieve decent marks and pass the grade.
Mid Tems- 89% Finals Aggregated Overall: 91.2% Best of 5 subjects %= 94.4% Topper of the School, scoring the highest marks in Maths (this was the subject due to which dip in my % takes place), English, Information Technology and Social Science.
SENIOR SECONDARY PROFILE: (This is a relatively large school with great number of opportunities and catering to about 2400-2800 students in total from pre primary to 12th Grade)
Grade 11th: Physics Chemistry Maths English and Physical Education Mid terms: 89% Finals:93% (had to work shit ass hard for this) 2nd Highest Scorer from Science Stream- Class Size of 24 Students Highest marks in English, Physics and Maths
Went from my % dropping due to that subject to being the top scorer. Idk how to convert this to GPA. And the top performer in academics and extracurriculars amongst 59 students (Science + Commerce - 11th Grade)
Extracurriculars Cultural Prefect: Inculcated the feeling of cultural harmony which resonated with the ethos of the school via activities held at school which involved showing various scenarios of communities from different backgrounds and religious beliefs coming together to show unity. Was the Head Event Organiser of the Events that took place at school: (Diwali, Teachers Felicitations, Teachers Day, And other Cultural Affairs)
Taught peers and cleared doubts during free periods in Chemistry and Physics mainly
Was a volunteer at Mobile Van Science Exhibition by CSIR- CCMB on genetic diseases held at our school and open for all the student body from grade 4th-12th over the course of one day. Explained Biology concepts while being a Mathematics student pertaining to Vivo General Therapy and how a fractured/genetically disordered gene part is diagnosed, removed and replaced with a healthy one via Vivo Grne Therapy: kinda trespassed the subject bounds of sticking to a subject which I have and doing something new
Attended online course by MIT at EdX: Cell Biology: Transport and Signalling by Rebecca Lamason and Iain Cheeseman. I don't have any certification for this cuz that's again really expensive and I'm broke, so. (A lot of factors come to downplay cuz of finances)
I attended the sessions only and didn't buy the plan which will give the lectures access- that'll cost 8k Indian rupees
Selected amongst a pool of students for showing genuine interest for Shadow A Scientist Program by CSIR- CCMB to spend a day in the lab of a senior scientist of our choice and understand the workings and behind the scenes of the lab, enhancing intellectual vitality and also this showcases genuine interest of mine for biomedical engineering. Got to spend a day at a Stem Cell Technology lab and learnt about Cryoscopy, Cell Transfusion, Ways to detect whether the cell is dead or nope by its surface and color of the solution, specific temperatures to adhere to, Onset of Cancer Cell and how it looks like in the beginning ears, Results of Tests ran on lab mice to understand cancer cells development in neural muscles and veins and how it affects brain functioning, and how does removing that cancer part again affects the functioning, and learnt about an Experiment conducted by LV Prasad Institute of Technology in collaboration with CSIR CCMB for Hydrogel and it's effect in clearing Eye infections by testing it on a New Zealand Rabbit. Results showed that enhances recovery period etc were detected on the subject which was studied under hydrogel vs one which was given normal ones- ultimately leading to his blindness.
Also Worked and prepared Uribed- here's it's abstract Uri-Bed: Where Dignity Meets Innovation- ABSTRACT
1. Introduction: A Personal Spark and a Universal Need
Imagine a loved one, someone who has nurtured and supported you throughout your life, now facing the challenges of urinary incontinence. Their once vibrant nights are now filled with anxiety and fear of leaks. Their independence, a hallmark of their golden years, is replaced by dependence on others. This was the heart-wrenching reality that inspired the Uri-Bed. As students Me and my friends witnessed this struggle firsthand and knew we had to create a solution as Young Innovators. Urinary incontinence is far from an isolated issue. It affects millions globally, particularly the elderly population. Our goal wasn't just to manage this condition; it was to empower individuals to reclaim their dignity and independence.
2. Delving Deeper: The Scope of Urinary Incontinence and Limitations of Existing Solutions
Urinary incontinence, the involuntary loss of urine, is a prevalent condition with significant physical and emotional consequences. It impacts daily activities, social interaction, and self-esteem. For seniors, it can be a source of embarrassment and isolation.
Traditional solutions, while offering some level of management, come with limitations:
Diapers: These bulky and uncomfortable products trap moisture, leading to skin irritation and increased risk of infections. Furthermore, disposable diapers create a substantial environmental burden, taking centuries to decompose in landfills. Catheters: While effective in managing incontinence, catheters can be intrusive and painful. They also increase the risk of urinary tract infections (UTIs), creating a vicious cycle of discomfort and medical intervention. The limitations of these solutions highlight the urgent need for a more dignified and user-friendly approach.
3. Unveiling the Uri-Bed: A Symphony of Innovation and User-Centric Design
The Uri-Bed transcends the concept of a mere incontinence management system. It's a smart bed system designed with the user's well-being at its core. Here's how the Uri-Bed revolutionizes incontinence care:
Discreet and Early Detection: The Uri-Bed's secret lies in its smart mattress pad. This pad is woven with a network of strategically placed, highly sensitive sensors. These sensors are designed to detect even the slightest amount of moisture, triggering a gentle vibration or chime before any leakage occurs. This early detection system allows users to address the situation discreetly, ensuring a peaceful sleep for both themselves and their caregivers. Hygienic and Efficient Drainage: When moisture is detected, the Uri-Bed goes a step further. It features a discreet, closed-loop drainage system. Urine is channeled away from the user through a network of channels embedded within the mattress pad. This eliminates messy cleanups and minimizes the risk of skin infections. The collected urine is then deposited into a disposable container attached to the bed frame, ensuring easy and hygienic disposal. Data-Driven Insights for Proactive Care: The Uri-Bed doesn't stop at managing incontinence; it empowers informed care decisions. The system collects valuable data on urine frequency and volume. This data can be accessed by caregivers or medical professionals through a user-friendly interface. By analyzing these trends, potential health concerns like UTIs or changes in bladder function can be identified and addressed proactively. Early detection and preventive measures can significantly improve a user's overall health and well-being. Optional Remote Monitoring for Added Peace of Mind: For added convenience and peace of mind, the Uri-Bed offers an optional remote monitoring feature. Caregivers can receive alerts on their smartphones or other devices when the system detects moisture. This allows them to check in on their loved ones remotely, particularly for those who live independently. 4. Prioritizing Affordability and Scalability - A Sustainable Solution for Everyone
We recognize that affordability and accessibility are crucial for widespread adoption. The Uri-Bed is designed to be cost-effective and scalable for both home and institutional settings. By utilizing readily available technologies and components, we've kept the production costs manageable. Our estimated cost per unit, X Rupees, falls significantly below the long-term financial burden associated with traditional incontinence management methods like continuous diaper use and frequent medical interventions.
Our implementation plan focuses on collaboration and community engagement:
Pilot Testing and User Feedback: We plan to conduct pilot testing in both home and aged care facility environments. This will allow us to gather valuable user feedback from both patients and caregivers. Their experiences will guide further refinement of the Uri-Bed design to ensure optimal user experience and comfort. Strategic Partnerships: Collaboration is key to success. We will partner with geriatric specialists, caregivers, and manufacturers to achieve our goals. Geriatric specialists will provide invaluable insights into user needs and potential health considerations. Caregivers' feedback will be vital in tailoring the Uri-Bed to real-world solution.
4. Prioritizing Affordability and Scalability - A Sustainable Solution for Everyone

• Strategic Partnerships (Continued): Caregivers' feedback will be vital in tailoring the Uri-Bed to real-world caregiving scenarios. Finally, partnerships with manufacturers will ensure cost-effective production and widespread distribution, making the Uri-Bed accessible to a wider population.
• Training and Education Programs: Successful implementation hinges on user education and training. We will develop comprehensive training programs for caregivers and medical professionals. These programs will cover topics such as proper installation and operation of the Uri-Bed, data interpretation, and best practices for user care.

5. A Competitive Landscape: Uri-Bed Stands Out
The Uri-Bed doesn't exist in a vacuum. While existing solutions address incontinence to varying degrees, the Uri-Bed offers a unique and comprehensive approach:

• Dignity and User-Centric Design: Unlike bulky and uncomfortable diapers, the Uri-Bed prioritizes user comfort and discretion. The system detects leaks early and offers gentle alerts, minimizing embarrassment and promoting self-confidence.
• Enhanced Hygiene and Reduced Infection Risk: The Uri-Bed's closed-loop drainage system eliminates the need for frequent diaper changes, decreasing the risk of skin irritation and infections. This stands in stark contrast to reusable pads or catheters, which can harbor bacteria and increase infection risk.
• Data-Driven Care Management: The Uri-Bed goes beyond simply managing incontinence. It empowers caregivers and healthcare professionals with valuable data on bladder function. This data can be used to identify potential health concerns early on, leading to timely interventions and improved patient outcomes. Remote monitoring capabilities further enhance care management by allowing healthcare providers to offer remote support.

6. Beyond Incontinence: Exploring the Future Potential of Uri-Bed Technology
The innovative technology behind the Uri-Bed holds vast potential beyond its current application in managing urinary incontinence. Here are some exciting possibilities for the future:

• Early Detection of Other Health Conditions: Data collected by the Uri-Bed can be analyzed to identify patterns indicative of various health conditions. Sleep patterns, vital signs, and even subtle changes in user behavior can be used to detect potential health issues like sleep apnea, dehydration, or even early signs of cognitive decline. Early detection allows for prompt intervention and improved health outcomes.
• Personalized Sleep Support: The Uri-Bed's sensor technology can be further developed to personalize the sleep experience. Features like adjustable mattress temperature and targeted vibration patterns can be implemented to promote deeper sleep and address sleep disturbances. This can significantly improve sleep quality and overall well-being.
• Fall Prevention and Enhanced Safety: By utilizing pressure sensors embedded in the mattress pad, the Uri-Bed can be transformed into a fall prevention system. When the bed detects an uneven distribution of weight or a sudden change in position, it can trigger an alert, notifying caregivers of a potential fall risk. This feature can provide peace of mind for both users and their loved ones.

7. Conclusion: A Tapestry Woven with Innovation and Compassion
The Uri-Bed isn't just a bed; it's a symbol of hope and a testament to the power of human ingenuity. It's a testament to the unwavering human spirit that strives to improve the lives of others. We envision a future where technology seamlessly integrates with care, where individuals facing incontinence can reclaim their dignity and independence. We envision a future where every night is a restful one, and where proactive care empowers a healthier tomorrow. Join us on this journey as we weave a tapestry of innovation, one revolutionary beep at a time. By creating solutions like the Uri-Bed, we can ensure that the twilight years are truly golden, filled with comfort, dignity, and a renewed sense of well-being.
This was made by using tools in our Atal Lab and was displayed at National Thalir innovation fest and won creative mastery award. Also had the opportunity to display it at T-WORKS Hyderabads Makers Space Open House which displayed various prototypes and new ideas and got ideas from engineers on how to further develop it.
Worked on Wipro Earthian Waste Management project, assessing qualitatively and quantitatively the wastage generated in school as a whole and disposal measure. Got to know the waste is burnt in the area near to school buses which the students as well as the cows which are in the School's Cattle House are in close proximity with during breaks and home returning time and hence approached the authorities and enclosed the area where the waste is burnt with tin sheds, limiting it's transfusion to human and animal lives and limiting the area where it's burnt, reducing the land that gets degraded.
Also won Swami Vivekananda Youth Level Leadership Award for Outstanding Leader. The contest was held over a 5 month period and had 500 participants in the start. Contest assessed decision making, collaborativeness, thinking ability, honesty quotient, speech, communication, approachibility as a leader, and team work. For context it's Yuva Sangharsh Award by Ramakrishna Math, Hyderabad. For context and clarity: https://rkmath.org/ys/
Grade 12th It'll start soon. I'll be applying for Head Boy. Plan on inception of a Major Club: Young leaders club which will house minor magnet clubs like mental health peer support group to help students battle mental health issues due to academics and family problems,environment warriors, bookers club, and youth advocacy club.
I'll be giving SAT but am unsure about the funds cuz again it'll cost 12k for the registration. I'm working right now to save the amount. It's the finances.
I'm unsure about my college acceptance. I've added big ivy universities and mainly private universities cuz they'll be need blind if I get in and are generous, unlike others who take international students as cash cows. If the tution is covered I can manage housing and flight by education loan as such. Public universities give a side eye to international students so can't afford that.
Due to financial constraints I've also started preparing for JEE - an examination in our nation for admission to engineering colleges as a backup option just in case this doesn't work.
Welllp guys lemme know how's it and where should I improve. universities give a side eye to international students so can't afford that

It felt frustrating in Chongqing. I was rather stuck in Hechuan. I got accustomed to lajiao (spice) there. I was a Midwesterner at the age of 22. I was raised in Illinois. I became a manic—a Ferris wheel on fire—I was hiding under a bed in a hotel. Bold like napalm. Sometimes I can never stop. Even when I was 18 in a ward arguing with staff. Always want to fight things. That’s why I refused the meds and went on a plane from America to China. I was going to be an English teacher. And like a light switch, the change and SSRIs turned me into a mess. It would be my first time experiencing psychosis. My biggest issue. I never imagined I would be stuck illegally in a country suffering a psychotic episode in my early twenties.
Transplanted as pollen. I was left with a backpack and a cellphone. With a downloaded app called WeChat. I had arrogantly quit a university job in a fit. Spent the past months full of energy and not sleeping and neglecting myself, including not eating, to work on a novel. Not considering myself normally religious, I had obsessed over occult ideas during that time. Spending nights reading Aleister Crowley—haven taken a rusty pocket knife to carve a pentagram on my chest for spiritual protection.
I did not have funds to fly home. My visa was connected to my previous job, which meant I had now made it void. I was an illegal resident now in China.
I used a nifty app called WeChat as a messaging app, it allows users to find people near them that are also looking for others. It was like a virtual pond. All kinds of people, including sex workers trying to make things happen.
It could with luck be used to find people looking for people in terms of other kinds of work. It was helpful on many occasions for finding gigs working at English training schools and also finding work as a private tutor for people.
WeChat also works as a digital wallet.
Mania makes me irritable. Enough to tell a boss to fuck off. Thoughts ricochet within me. Bumper cars collide.
Being stuck and angry sucks. I scrolled and scrolled on a Huawei phone.
Absolutely pissed off at this world.
Pissed at the times police wanted to take me away for being a mess.
Sometimes women get pissed. Scrolling through their phones. Angry at their cheating husbands. It really is not that hard to have flair—be a damn white oddity. Like moths to a porchlight. Particles of sand through hands. This is when I first started the habit of it…
I rather go by a rather empty name of Taishen… with further explanation needed but now is not convenient. But I assure it is interesting enough and has some importance.
Habits are various in nature in how they attach to and eat at marrow—like atom bombs flashing as rays evaporating DNA—sets in a way less than human as putting myself in the cage of bad things taken up—my time as a former heroin addict is left as stretch marks on me in various ways. The same goes for the first time I found myself making arrangements with middle aged married women while desperation of waves whiplashed me like sandpaper hands coming at me to leave me in a tiring state of abrasion.
I had spent a night snuck away into a hotel. Found someone on a business trip. Instead of registering I waited to sneak along into the hotel elevator amongst a group of others attending the hotel, as I had no card. I headed to a designated room number. Originally I was sitting in a park. Playing on WeChat and found someone in their mid-thirties. Pictures were exchanged and I said no. She brought up paying for the hotel if I arrived. I agreed and went along.
When I met I washed up after her and we used our phones to awkwardly translate what we would do.
Room service knocked. I found myself hidden under a bed as I was not registered to be there.
It seems unusual that it was around this time I had started working on a story of my life as a heroin addict when I got caught up in my worse manic episode ever experienced during my age of 22. Finished half that story before never going back to it after my manic episode had ended. Now I am here writing about it and wondering if the same can happen again in the process of this work.
It feels extremely cliché I would write a novel about struggles with heroin addiction. It has been done many times. It’s just lame of me.
I feel like my thoughts are bit off. I left the hotel the next morning with the little money I did have on a debit card. Turns out the woman was from Taiyuan. It is a city in the northern part of China in the province of Shanxi—coal country with the worst air pollution in China. She has a colleague in Taiyuan that takes courses at an English training center. I was able to contact this place in the morning via a shared contact on WeChat given to me by the stranger I met that night.
Before I knew it I was sending my information and documents in my backpack at an internet café in a fax—with the intent that the woman agreed to share my information to the training center as she shared my contact to its hiring manager. It would land me a job that day that would help me out of my situation. Things turned not quite out as I expected though. I was shifted like a ball to somebody else to contact for a training center geared to teaching children.
I took what I had and ran off to a train station after taking the public transit. Unfortunately I was shit for money and could not afford a high speed rail pass. The slow train would take thirty-two hours to get to my destination. I would have taken a room with a bed but all I could afford was a hard seat for the travel.
Things were getting better for me in the circumstance considering I had found someone willing to take me for work despite my visa situation.
The thirty-two hour train ride was horrendous in some ways, but mostly I was in excitement despite the circumstances. I’m always giddy when disappointed. I moved up and down the aisle of the train. I could not speak mandarin, but it did not stop me from trying to interact with everyone. I talked many ears off during the train ride. I went up and down the aisle trying to interact as a moth to porchlights—I could not stop even if I had wanted to. I found great enjoyment the times I did get to sit across a table from somebody my age heading to Taiyuan from Chongqing. They were a university student returning to their hometown. Another passenger who sat beside me was an elderly man with hard boiled eggs, he was eating one after another one. I highly enjoyed each and every conversation that I had. It was like my head was a lightbulb wanting June bugs to bang against it with the intensity of Roman candles shot at my mouth of nicotine tinged teeth.
“If you find someone in Shanxi it is practice to pay the family money before you can get married. You would also have to already own a home and a car,” told my new friend across in their seat from me—a university passenger friend named David.
“Not necessarily what I was looking for. When is the next stop for snacks?” When the train stops I am able to get out and to have a walk onto the platform to buy various goods from the vendors to take back with me to eat along the ride to Taiyuan.
I had all my important documents tucked in my bag. This included my health clearance and obviously I made no mention of my mental health diagnosis or history to the doctor who had to evaluate me. My diploma and TEFL certificate were tucked away securely. A TEFL is a certificate that stands for Teaching English as a Foreign Language, it qualifies me to teach English as a second language abroad—it had only took a few months of taking a course online that I had paid for to obtain.
It is easy to be happy when you can trick yourself as your own con artist. Mania can make you deceive yourself. One can be doused in napalm and still not fully recognize what is actually going on. Same goes the flicking of psychosis. Even when I have nothing I find myself in my radiating irritation the most qualified of things—the velocity of my rhythm sets me out of an orbit.
The pressure cooker keeps me moving like a propeller at times. I finally arrived at Taiyuan. I arrived at the station to be greeted by Ryan my manager and his assistant Jennifer. We had our hello and introduction and they helped me get to a taxi that would bring me to my new apartment. I finally had a residence again. Apparently they were desperate for a teacher. The last teacher was from New Mexico and apparently they pulled a midnight run—that is when a teacher in the middle of the night disappears onto a plane back home without any notification of it.
The apartment was okay. On the fourth floor with no elevator, so it was a bit of a climb up a dark stairwell not lit correctly.
My job was a training center that had a location near Yingze Park in the center of the city. I was to be paid in cash via envelopes. I would assist in teaching kindergarten all the way up to high school aged students there in private lessons paid by their parents. I would also be assigned by my company to various primary schools in the city. I would take public buses to various schools paid by the company I worked for to give English lessons as I bounced around to various classrooms and schools in the city. Often I would receive a phone call to avoid going to work that day if my boss got inside input that officials would be doing raids to check foreigners’ visas that day.
A taxi ride would always be a thrill. Caused me nerves at first, but I came to love the flying in dangerous ways along a busy road. I remember a driver beeping their horn away as they drove onto the sidewalk to pass people. They treated the pedestrians as if they were in the wrong. I came flying in front of a primary school at its front gates. I was going to start teaching a first grade classroom and a kindergarten classroom. The way schools are set up is with a wall around the entirety of the exterior of the school. There is a gate at the front where one or two security will be waiting to let people in and out of the complex of the school.
I walked in front of the gate to greet the security. It was my first time with an assignment at this school. The guard said they had never seen me before and wouldn’t let me in. Not a big nuisance while I called my boss who then called the school to sort out the situation.
I miss the classroom so much. I ended up teaching in China for five years at various training schools. After returning to Illinois, I still taught as a primary school teacher in a public school.
I often feel extremely ugly from inside to my outside, but something is attractive there. This does not come just in terms of flirting and relationships—mania makes me a genuine lightbulb that flickers in a way that encourages the insects to me—everyone looks like a June bug—this is what I have come to understand about life. But that ugly does kind of stay like rot in a cavity that leaves a bad taste in the mouth that smells foul—hoping nobody catches the smell near me—it must tie into my struggles with bulimia over the years.
The same goes for my years as a teacher—in relation to the whole lightbulb phenomenon—I’m positive it is tied to mania and hypomania. The younger students always were fixated on the information I was teaching to them. I kept over the years methods taught to me and self-taught that I found extremely effective with younger students when it comes to teaching.
Everything was physical in learning in terms of intensity and ambition. When teaching my first grade classroom I would create flashcards for the vocab we would work on and implement in creating new sentences with. We would chant these words together in a way that made me a clown while teaching. Students would yell out the word that I presented with intense enthusiasm. As I walked by students it was expected that while they yelled out the word they would also physically hit the card. Later I would also work on physical gestures and acting out of vocab words and they would follow the actions and phrases with me.
I would often eventually turn the class into two teams. When students got an answer right I would behave comically and full of energy—I would give them a high five and pretend they were so strong with it that it hurt my hand in the process with much exaggeration—the students always seemed to never get tired of this act.
One game I would play involved drawing two stick figures with happy faces on them. Each figure would represent one of the teams for the classroom. I would draw a hungry alligator under the figures. Their faces would also be comical in appearance and full of exaggerations. Each figure had a parachute placed over them and four strings attached. During the game the students would race to say the word correctly represented on the flashcard or the correct word for the gesture I was making. The team that was not the slowest would lose a string on the parachute. If a team lost all four strings they would fall to the alligator who would eat them. The students found it hilarious with my actions involved in it. I would also draw tears and a person praying to represent anticipation and worry of falling down each time they lost a string.
I had a tooth game too. I would draw too large faces for each team. The team that could answer the flashcards and gestures the quickest would have a tooth drawn in their mouth. The team with the most teeth would win and it would look rather funny as the mouth grew and grew with an abnormal and extreme amount of teeth.
I often did other physical and interactive games like having students run to the word I showed a card to or gestured—each word would be attached to a point in the classroom on a wall.
I know it sounds grandiose, but the parents always seemed to think I was great at my job.
The word vulnerable means so many things to me. That word is like the coal to form the generator that makes the guiding energy for the ethics I follow in my life—I hold very strongly to these values that have developed on how to live—I can express it more later but I greatly attach a kind of Christian value system to it, which makes sense considering I was raised in a Lutheran household and always went to church, Sunday school, and went to my courses and went through my confirmation—everyone is a bit of a mop—some pick up clean water and others dirty or a mix of it—waiting to find the people to drain them voluntarily or involuntarily. I was born vulnerable. I walk pigeon-toed and grew up tripping on my feet—I speak with a soft feminine voice. Bipolar disorder makes somebody vulnerable. There was much vulnerability in being eighteen and hospitalized involuntarily for my first manic episode—tied to a stretcher. I have almost a sense of us vs them—the vulnerable and those that harm the vulnerable—take advantage of the vulnerable—I feel this is a very much Christian in the idea of the unfortunate are more holy than the rest of the bunch—children are like that in terms of being born into a cruel existence—a cruel existence I felt at times in my life and so many do—making sure harm does not come to those in need gives the light of purpose to go bright inside like a Christmas tree in my brain—this light of happiness and warmth. I never expected I would fall in love for teaching due to the antidepressant effect provided. It would become my career for a decade. Some grow up wanting to be a teacher, I became one by accident, desperation, and being saved.
Sometimes I inflate on self-hate like a helium balloon that needs to be tied to a wrist. The vulnerability equation is imprinted on my brain.
In my early teens I started struggling with bulimia and image. I remember when my mother caught me in the act. I was not offered help but criticized. I was called a girl for my problems and threatened to be taken somewhere to be fixed of my confusion. I don’t identify as transgender. I identify as a man that struggles with bulimia and happens to have feminine qualities.
I attribute it to circumstances that happened to me—a justification for the pain at times—an attack on aspects of bisexuality.
After a long day of work I did what my young self often did. I went clubbing with friends. I feel like even if I hide aspects of myself such as being bisexual, people can spot it regardless. I’m extremely secretive about it and not comfortable displaying that vulnerable aspect of myself.
My friend from England went with me. He was about six years my senior. Big guy. Tall. The clubs name was Maoye.
I always enjoyed the free drinks available to foreigners—it was done to attract Chinese clients, as the idea was foreigners being there would attract people.
Amongst the hot and sweltering crowd a man grabbed ahold of me. I felt stuck. I was taken off guard. Pushed and cornered. While on me I managed to push him off. But it all serves as a reminder of the vulnerability of my life.
A nail was placed into my hand—a constant burn and reminder of that vulnerability.
Part 2
From self-hate I can also be so grandiose. I am like a Christmas tree that is lit up. Sparklers so pretty that you cannot let go of them, even if it burns your fingertips and hurts.
From heroin to sex, you can smother the pain. You drain the ocean to fill a void in these times. It ties to mania as well. That restlessness and irritability is extinguished by the paradox of throwing kerosene to everything burning. I’m so grandiose to hide my insecurities, I mistake my misfortune as a mark of something ugly virtuous—the neon of vulnerability pulsating like a star within me. Swelling on a pain.
Bad habits. I want you to judge me and tell me what’s wrong with me. Give me a verdict.
Stress a trigger for mania, and I was stressed from the incident I had experienced at the club. I bloated like a tick to distract from locusts of thoughts that could not shut up with their commotion.
I had been sleeping around more than before. My brain was Christmas tree lights. I accelerated on a generator—I made a mixed episode worse.
Tease a disaster when you are heightened like a blimp. Full of hydrogen. Hoping to burn up ad rain down like napalm.
When the pretty candles on the Christmas tree are left untouched—not looked at like a kettle on burner that has been forgotten—the dry neglected tree will into a house fire.
I’ve had four attempts in my life so far.
When I attempt I don’t cry for help. I feel too vulnerable. I’m afraid.
Hate police and wards.
Downing pills.
My past failed attempts made me aware of everything done wrong before. The sleeping pills alone might not do what I was looking for at that time. I bought an electrical cable. This way if it failed I would still be unconscious and choked out by the cord—fail safe plan to end my life.
The words coming out of my mouth slowed down. I started getting second thoughts. Stuck my face towards the toilet bowl while on my knees. Sticking my fingers down my throat. Leaving blood vessels bursting in my eyes.
Went stumbling outside and waved a taxi down and asked to be taken to the local hospital.
Never expected finding myself checked into a psych ward in a foreign country.
Nietzsche has a quote in reference to chaos in life and how it is needed to create a star—this reference holds so much value to me. Sometimes stars hit together just right to create fate out of the worst of things. The ward lead me to meet the woman made of paper. She would one day become my wife. I would have two daughters with her. Forge together as soldiers to face the obstacles in life. Someone who would save my life during a future attempt when I was found unconscious from an overdose. The smartest and toughest woman I have ever known. Someone to build trenches with.
I liked it when she stuck that needle in me for an IV. It must correlate to being a heroin addict. The pushing of something in my vein correlates to happiness and purity.
The woman made out of paper was my nurse in the ward I was stuck in. What attracted her to the mess that is me I will never understand fully.
The woman made out of paper is named Lilu. She was one year older than me and one of my nurses at that ward in Taiyuan. She was from Zhengzhou—a city in the province of Henan that is based in the center of China. I am sure as the reader it would be nice to know why I call her the woman made of paper.
She struggled with her own demons. She also deserves much praise for her resilience and brains. When she was born she was raised by a family that adopted her and often neglected and abused her growing up. Her biological family is distant from her, even though she has an identical twin—they felt too poor to take care of her and made the choice that they needed to be less of one child as she also has an older sister—her twin got to stay with that family but she was given up and adopted. I am sure this must bother her even if she never will talk about it to anyone in her life—as she is one to refuse ever discussing emotions and feelings, as this is not her personality type—she is very much a fighter. I think most would struggle with wondering why they were the one let go of—it also must hurt her knowing that the family would have a son and keep him.
Despite all these circumstances, she graduated top of her class of four thousand students—Chinese high schools can be quite large serving a large region—they often serve as boarding schools. She was a smart and hardworking student. Circumstances never made her stop trying to be the best and moving forward and she never made excuses for herself. In university she also did well and got accepted at the most studious and hard to obtain nursing position at the number one hospital in Shanxi.
I have already ranted and gone on about my affection and feelings tied to heroin. Drinking of entire oceans to fill voids.
Paper is a void. It asks for calligraphy to be written on it to make braille. This way when fingers run over skin, it tells worth—the reason for troubles—it forms connection through those words of declaration—the whining for why things are the way they are—the filling of a void like a heroin addict needing a cure—two papers come together to write upon one another—as a paper I am her typo—I stand as a falling mess with nerves like tripwire, I keep failing and losing my composer, while she stands stronger as a declaration that has been written on—when I was chased I listened to her and joined as one. I wish and intend to always serve the woman made out of paper who has saved my life and has always been there for me, being so strong despite circumstances—amongst the wind of turmoil in life I follow along her path.
It was love at first sight for her but not for me. I had no interest in dating her at the time. I worked across the street of that hospital in an office building for a training center as a part time job. I would teach adults English who paid for private lessons near to Yingze park in the center of Taiyuan. She signed up for classes for me to teach her and brought me food on almost every other day that she had prepared. Eventually we found ourselves coupled fully.
In a pit. I get to burn as paper amongst another’s paper. Eternally. With a life that will keep reoccurring.
Part 3 Liu
A woman like Chang’e lived on a moon. Far away.
You can refer to me as Liu.
At the age of 19 I was diagnosed with a severe nerve pain condition. It is called trigeminal neuralgia but you can call it TN for ease.
I was frustrated. I had completed a degree in international finances from Chongqing University of Business and Technology. The boom of the economy was not the same. There was an urge to “lay flat”—to not try as a form of opposition to everything going on in a waning economy in China.
All are elephants chained for an audience. People love to peek and stare as though they are glass doors without hinges—to be made feel useless.
I developed TN at the age of 19, and was now 22. It came as an arrow, and quite literally to the face. It’s a rare nerve pain disorder often considered one of the most painful conditions known.
The illness involves intense nerve pain throughout the left side of my face. It felt like someone was trying to pull all of the teeth on the left side of my face without anesthesia. The pain can leave me falling to the floor unable to speak or move while screaming profanities while choked by pain. A feeling of a knife to my face over and over again. It leaves me in absolute shock. Like Roman candles to the face. An absolute hindrance. The anticipation of not knowing when it will happen again is a nightmare at times.
The disease is often called the suicide disease, apparently up to 26% try to take their lives. In a state of panic during one of the nerve attacks I began swallowing any pill near to me. I went to the hospital to have my stomach pumped when I was found comatose by my mother.
I want to be Chang’e and on the moon and away from a world I have had enough of.
Gossip spread around the workplace that I attempted suicide over an affair with a married man. There was too much guilt to return to the workplace. COVID did have an impact to the economy. I still remember my hometown having dirt and trees piled onto the exits and entrances to the city keep people in their places.
The work I did find felt beneath me. China has what is called the great firewall that keeps something in and out of the country’s networks. A VPN was necessary to access American TikTok as it was used as opposed to the Chinese version.
Feels humiliating the nature of the outcome for me—I gave up in many ways like so many Chinese youth. For work I would go to a local office building. Amongst a long hall would be a room for live stream performers. I would entertain with watchers while trying to obtain virtual gifts for actual money. I despised it—sometimes the conversation could be funny or interesting but it felt hollow.
I would paint flowers on my face and wear hanfu clothing while doing ASMR.
I had a mind of sparklers burning until it burnt and stung like wax—like I had the option to stop and cry and those tears stuck as wax and burnt or I soldiered on and grew accustomed to the pain. I was an elephant chained. The audience watched and interacted with me on the live. I was a chained elephant when it was found out about my previous attempt and when the rumors spread.
Too many thorns in life. Nails hitting at the wrong points like an equation for something terrible to eventually happen.
My favorite dish was Henan noodles. I often cooked it with my mom. It provides great memories of childhood. I hadn’t talked to my mother as much as before. She moved to a job in Taiyuan.
Sometimes I would go up to visit her. But it was harder as she worked more and more hours. Sometimes voids build even when going through extreme nerve pain. And with trigeminal neuralgia, the pain was so intense that I would freeze and scream in pain. It cannot always be hid. It made me an elephant tethered.
Life can be like a pressure like no other. Too much stress. Makes one feel irritable with a mouth like a sprinkler of napalm when someone is too close. Life feels like a lit fire cracker held—in the end it would tear my hand up. Things kept building while the other side of my face began to hurt too recently. This was rare and not so common. My eyesight was becoming blurry too and it seemed I might have multiple sclerosis as the pain was on both side, it was not common for my age, and the blurry eyesight. An appointment was scheduled and I felt terrified to know what was going on and wondered if it was best to not even know my health.
I walked out of the studio and had a cigarette. My boss came out and joined to talk. He was concerned about view count and wanted me to do things to increase it that made me feel uncomfortable. He made a few comments I found incentive.
The boss sure liked to criticize and apply pressure. He was not impressed with my work and thought I could do something different. In China an application is used called WeChat. This application has many uses. People can display and share moments like a Facebook wall, message each other, send money, video chat, and even has a feature to find people near to you who are also looking for people near to them. I was to attract people onto dates. The idea was they would be lured in and the men would go to a set destination to a planned tea house that served snacks. When the men arrived (they had no knowledge of the setup) the bill would be at an absurd rate and if the men refused to pay larger men would use their size to force them to pay up.
I was not sure at the time yet if I wanted the job. Being worried about ethics and safety. It was something I would have to think about.
My medical expenses were growing and I knew the nerve disease could be expensive to treat with surgery. All I had was thoughts while looking at the moon.
Taishen Part Continued..
I was stuck at my current work at Mao’ye. A mall in the central part of Taiyuan in Shanxi. Coal dust central China. Frequent dust storms leaving me having to wipe the window sills of dust piles collecting. Life felt dry as the air—numb. I never know what I want. Drifting like paper in a breeze.
23 and feeling empty. Left the previous English training center I working at teaching adults. Company started going bankrupt. Boss was an asshole. He was originally from Datong near to Inner Mongolia.
That boss ran the company horribly. Was a coward of a boss. He would watch the cameras and email complaints on my dress code and not talk to me in person. A coward.
When the company was nosediving I got sent an email in the middle of the day stating my job would be terminated by the end of the month. I worked in china as an American. In china most jobs are based on contracts between employees and employers. I was supposed to continue another seven months with my job. The contract was broken when they emailed me saying they could not keep me due to salary. Contracts can be broken due to performance but not due to finance issues. I had already work for them a year on another contract. The law in China states I was due to be paid a year and a half of salary. My boss was such a coward to not speak to me in person and email the letter. I marched in his office and got told to fuck myself. I talked to the labor board at the local government office. I was told was told that I that they would have to pay me a year and a half of salary for breaking my contract.
Those times were rather gray for me. Clouds were heavy like gnats flying around the face. My girlfriend at the time was a stern nurse. The girl made of paper. She stayed beside. My fortress. Put up for adoption by her family in Henan. Where her adopted mother would put her hands in scalding hot water for punishment and remind her of being an inconvenience. She marched into my boss’s office and created a storm. He refused to budge. A few days later when the labor office contacted him he was willing to keep me for the rest of my contract. The labor office said that because my job was offered back I could not be paid if I left my job, as it would be my choice at that point. Frustrating. My wife had her uncle’s boss contacted from Taiyuan to go into the office. She had some influence in the area. She threatened to look over various certificates to get the branch in trouble. My boss did not budge. I decided to just go ahead and leave this English training center for teaching adults. I went for a new company that paid more passed in the Moye mall on the other end of the city. Now I would be teaching children again like I used.
Is this all I am? A server?
It makes me think of a time right before I met the woman made of paper. Stern from her experiences. A fighter. I like fighters.
I met fighters before. Reminds me of a story. A story I hold deeply to my heart. There was a woman named Ming. I met her through surfing on WeChat nearby searching for people looking for others nearby. Older by a few years. Met and became acquainted over messages.
Christmas tree lights in my head
Perched to be exploited…
Balloon with the air let out
Hissing all the time… because it whines
The inferno in me wants me to burn
Because it feels right
Christmas trees lit are under pressure—they know if they dry up the whole building will be in flames
So you have to be festive when you decorate—and avant-garde with who you decorate with
Maximalist at heart with pleasure
Nomads tend to wander to find a better part of the steppe
With a phallus as a Swiss Army Knife,
Paddling in northern China building a trench
22 year old Midwesterner with psychosis looking for a frigate to save him from the deep end
Impulsivity a catalyst for losing everything
I don’t care if you’re married, if you have a tunnel you can help me in the trench
Two staged rocket—
Already psychotic
Be a Launchpad
So I can get even further from earth
Ripple through the galaxy like I got a mission—
Even if it’s delusional
Another N1
Get myself on disconnect in the vacuum
Even if I come down Iike napalm.
I met Ming because I needed her and she needed me-even if she was married. I was 23 and without security. MY first job that I forgot from my boss Ryan was insane at times. Working without a visa for a company was unbearable. I felt obligated to my boss at that time he promised he could solve my issue if I worked hard for him. And I did. He was a bit corrupt too and not the greatest. Always offering going to brothels with people to make deals happen, including trying with me too. I never went. I did work hard for him though. I wanted to escape my predicament and he knew all the right people to contact to fix my problems if I met my obligations. Obligations could mean being asked to go to another training center to work part time and gather their curriculum for my school.
It felt unstable not knowing when I could get arrested or taken away. Made Ming a perfect connection to come across. I needed a friend that brought stability. She was a radio broadcaster in the city. Extremely wealthy. She would take me on outings eating delicious cuisine in the city or among weekend trips to interesting places nearby. I consider her one of the greatest friends I had. Because of her it was getting to meet other connections at outings with friends at KTV and clubs in the city. Like rhizomes growing out of a tree. Sustainability. It led to more rhizomes of connections. Something I want to talk more about. But I need to move the clock a bit. To the start of this ramble.
I was working in Maoye. I was on a legal visa at this time. My colleagues were not legal. They were often Slavic. Russian, Ukraine, and other Slavic nations. We had an office in the building setup on a third floor of a large mal with various classrooms for the foreign teachers to teach in. They would generally have a Chinese teaching assistant to help them in the classrooms. I taught students from pre-k age to middle school there.
In the middle of the setup of the floor layout was a large open office. I would sit and plan lessons and grade amongst the Chinese staff and foreign teachers. One day I grep of plain clothed officers came into the facility. They were checking on teachers on the wrong visas. The Russian teachers and others often could not fluently speak English or qualify for the correct visas—they didn’t meet the right requirements for work visas and would be on other various kinds of visas. They stormed in and I remember my Russian friend hearing the commotion tore his shirt with his logo on it and threw it on the ground in a rush. He ran shirtless down a stair well nearby flinging the doors open. Fear, anger… got to fill their class schedule while they are all out hiding.
Final Taishen
I met Chang’e. Do you believe in the transplanting of thoughts? I do. Like pollen.
My thoughts can transplant and Change can do the same too.
Mania got me again. I wrote a poem when I was younger to express it.
Feeling bold and exacerbated
Maybe I am just high strung
Ricocheting off these walls like bumper cars
A sparkler burning hot and bright
Popping off like roman candles
I am not always calm, but I am high,
A kettle left on the burner and forgotten,
Watch me melt away into my ecstasy
Where I dance and scream all in one
I’ll hit peak when crisis comes.
I hadn’t been sleeping. I took a second English teaching job and was seeing attending to seeing different people besides Ming.
Ming was kind and always took me on nice dinner dates. I didn’t have to worry about expenses and felt secure.
I was back on my smartphone looking and fishing for people nearby. Chang’e came in as a breeze from Luoyang to meeting a relative in Taiyuan.
Chang’e was working for a boss in Taiyuan. She would go on the WeChat application looking for men nearby. Flirt to get them to meet her. Like moths in dark they get to the lights:
Useless as a glass door. You can peek through. Pigeon-toed. Drained an ocean to fill insecurities. Uncomfortable thoughts ricochet in me. Like an ambush. Giddy when disappointed. I build trenches amongst the tripwires of life. City feels like a tsunami. Manners like a bloated tick. Sipping the veins from any limb around me. As a stranger to a moth, a porch light pulling. Desolate in lost thoughts. Nights awake and bunkering in hotels. Soft in my voice, I hopscotch to hands—falling through like particles of sand. With enough friction to set off an atom bomb. To radiate right through me, and hollow my marrow. Amongst open nerves I can feel something, so I play with the pain. No matter how annoying.
As particles I transplanted through to her screen as we lay in our separate beds in the city. Mania makes me dumb. We flattered away. Fused as particles.
Her intent was for me to arrive at a designated location to drink and eat late into the night—11:00 p.m. With this given location I would be taken down like an elephant via poachers—that was the intent. At the location I was to be given an outrageous bill for the service and if I did not pay a group of big men would use their physical presence to get me to pay.
When I met her at the given location outside the door. I knew the tricks. I tested her. Asked if she would be willing to eat at another location.
She thought she would eat me and I thought I would eat her. My test was asking her to go to another place at the KTV nearby where I knew somebody that worked there—a karaoke location—the LED lights shining and me and her staring at the direction of them.
She hesitated and insisted on the location next to us. I said I had to go—before I left to contact if willing in the future to go to the KTV.
Where a perpetual hydrogen bomb would go off on our fused particles.

I'm standing on a hill of eternal sunrise, orange sand falls from my clothes as I get to my feet.
In my hands is a longsword glittering orange and purple in the morning light. There's a set of words inscribed on the hilt of the sword - the pen is mightier than the sword. I slowly turn the thing in my hands. There's a little black knob right at the end of the hilt. I press it in and the sword transforms into a pen.
'Neat.' I say, then click the pen back into a sword. It's light and the air has that beautiful coolness just before the day starts to get hot.
I take a deep breath and look around, a giant chicken is standing on the other end of the hill. Between us stands a small man with a large bald patch on the back of his head. He's dressed in a fine suit that puffs out his chest. In his right hand he holds a black box with a red button on it. He presses the red button and all around us the hill starts to rumble and shake. From the sides of it emerges a giant stadium complete with commentators, restrooms, and loud guys selling hot dogs.
I count my breaths, trying to maintain the serenity I'd had when it was just me and the golden sunrise. That's when I hear the noise of thousands of people yelling, laughing, and discussing some sort of upcoming match.
They pour through the gates and turnstiles while clones of Richard Balls take $1 bills from every person that enters. The people are like water, they don’t stop flowing as the grandstands get more and more full and the Balls' piles of money get higher and higher and spill down the slopes of the hill in an avalanche of green and orange and wealth.
I spin around, and see the stadium is dominated by people wearing feathers, dressed as eggs, or holding signs saying KILL THE HILL. Then, from behind me, I heard a man calling out.
'Hey, mister! Hey, mister!' I turn, a couple of 17-year-olds, are carrying signs that say LET'S MAKE SOME CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL. Behind them is a group with the very subtle DOWN WITH THE CHICKEN written on the T-shirts.
I walk over to the teenagers. One guy hands me a pile of A4 sheets of paper wrapped in cardboard. 'What's this?' I ask.
The guy laughs, 'Your book, you should give it a read sometime.'
I find myself grinning as I flip open the cardboard cover which has a pastel drawing of a man in a cell on it. The first page I turn to has the chapter I wrote about meeting Astra.
'This is cool,' I say, 'This is damn cool.'
'It'd be even cooler if you signed it,' he says patting his pockets then turning to his mate. 'Hey, Jess. You got a pen?'
I hold up my sword and click the end of it, 'Where do you want me to sign?'
\****
The stands are so full I’m worried about people getting crushed and Balls' pile of money is so high a couple of his clones are using it as a viewing platform, the Balls who is all dressed up in his suit, is standing in the centre of the arena with a microphone in hand.
‘Let the fight begin.'
The chicken I'd seen earlier turns out to be some guy in a chicken suit who runs around the arena getting fans hyped. Trumpet music blares. Kanye West dressed in a chicken costume comes out rapping, a marching band circles him and then finally the chicken emerges. It has feathers stained a metallic silver and two giant swords attached to its wings as well as throat-piercing claws on its feet. Each step rumbles the arena and I feel my throat dry up.
'You got this Eli.' I hear one of the guys behind me call out. I shake my head.
'I do not got this.'
I click my pen into a sword and started running towards the chicken. Kanye barely has time to get out of the way before the chicken and I collided in a flurry of metal crashing, swords clashing and feathers flying. The chicken has many advantages, size, weight, power, number of weapons.
Its claws look powerful enough to snap a leg, and I find myself rolling and ducking and weaving just to avoid them.
But for all its size and weapons the chicken doesn't have the same accuracy or speed that I do with my sword. I block its talons, duck underneath its wing and then stab upward, creating a tiny patch of blood underneath the wing. The chicken squawks and rushes me with its beak, not a good move.
I slice the chicken, putting a foot-long incision in the red comb on top of its head. It gives a blood-curling squawk and retreats a few paces. Licking my lips, I advance.
My crew of supporters are going nuts while the rest of the stadium has descended into a kind of awed silence. A few people even put down their chicken flags.
But then the chicken flips its comb back onto its head, plumps its feathers and then moves into a spinning arc towards me. I try to jab, but there is nowhere to jab. Its feathers spin in such a flurry that I find my sword ripped straight out of my hands.
With a ding, the sword flies across the arena and embeds itself into one of the walls below the audience.
I run, not for the sword, which would have been the smart move. I sort of just run in general throwing my arms out wide and screaming. Around the stadium, the audience resumes their initial roar, only this time it's accompanied by laughs as the chicken soars after me with its blade-like feathers sending up clouds of sand that sting my eyes and sandpaper my skin.
I’m tiring, the chicken is gaining on me. I realize that I have to do something semi-strategic so I run to the sword, tugging at it. Trying to remove it from the wall. The chicken is closing in on me, I can't get the thing to budge and that's when I see the guy with the copy of my book. He’s pointing toward the book, toward my signature. I smash my fist down on the end of the sword and it instantly becomes a pen in my hand. With a grin, I click the pen again and block the chicken's slice. The chicken's other wing comes at me. I go to block its hit, but click the sword back in at the last moment and the chicken's wing, which had been bracing for impact, soars right over top of me. The weight and power behind the blow keep it moving and suddenly the chicken is presenting me with its vulnerable underside. I slash upwards and the chicken gives a cry.
With its side towards me, I see that the swords on the chicken's wings are held on by leather harnesses. I cut through a harness, slicing a little into the wing. The chicken gives another cry. It swings at me and the harness and sword I'd been targeting fly off leaving the wing unable to chop my head off.
I duck under the wing and block six of the chicken's swings, then I start to swing back, slashing at the remaining wing over and over again. Finally, I prepare for a slash with all my power, bring the sword down and press the button. I use all my momentum to carry me into a roll under the chicken's wing which continues in the arc where my sword had been.
I’m in the chicken's blind spot and two slashes are enough to liberate the chicken from its other sword harness. As it swings back towards me the weapon embeds in the wall next to where my sword had been. I grin, aside from its feet and beak the chicken is basically defenceless, this is going to be my moment.
I walk toward the chicken which has started digging in the sand with its feet and its beak. I get right up to it, the chicken hardly notices me - its so focussed on its digging. I raise the sword above my head and turn it so the flat edge will come down on the chicken's head. I don't want to kill it but I sure as hell want it to be unconscious while I run away.
But as I bring the sword down, I see what the chicken has been digging for - a glass jug. The chicken's head bobs backwards and my sword slams useless into the ground. The chicken clasps the glass jug between its wings and swings it in a double arc that ends on the side of my head. Thousands of pieces of glass shoot into the air like fireworks or stars on a moonless night. The crowd cheers as confetti flies around them.
****
By the time I got out of hospital I had 12 stitches on the side of my head, a hate for the sitcoms that played on the Crusher Hospital TVs and a burning desire to eat some real food.
I guess it was fortunate that when the black limousine pulled up outside my house there were 300 writers waiting to welcome me back holding signs, champagne, and a massive table of food.
In the front was Manuel, hair slicked back, a giant grin on his face, and hands that wouldn't stop patting me on the back. 'It's good to see you, man. It's really good. I was worried.'
'Yeah?' I took a few steps away from the traitor, grabbed a ham sandwhich and stuck it in my mouth, 'You seemed real worried when you first found out about Lazy Cultivator. What did you say again?'
'Ahh, Eli mate, that was in the past.’ He winked, 'Tonight my man. We celebrate you. You're famous now.' He gestured out to the crowd 'Everyone around here heard about you making Lazy Cultivator loco.'
'And do they not like her or something?'
'No no, they love her but the fact you guys have so much beef just makes you an interesting person. Everyone wants a taste of Eli.'
'Because I got hit in the head with a glass jug?'
He shook his head. 'No, no, no.'
'Oh... Because Lazy Cultivator hit me in the head with a glass jug?'
Manuel clicked his fingers. 'Exactly my man. You got it. She’s making you famous.'
And from then on, for the most part, life returned to normal. Every week I'd crank out more chapters and throw in a poem or two about how chickens can't write or how I was going to leap frog the chicken to 200 million reads.
I found competition was good for me. I found myself looking for new ways to write faster, better and for longer. I started zoning in on my health. Consuming a lot of alcohol and getting not much sleep weren’t a good combination for imagination so I upped my pill dosage and decreased my party nights to two a week. The benefit was almost instant, I was more alert as I wrote and I was able to sit in the chair for longer. Because I was going to bed earlier I was waking earlier and I started to run in my mornings.
And all that led me to food.
You see, food had become something normal to me once again, I no longer craved it or tried to hoard it the way I did when I came out of my first dorm. Still, there was something about relying on Crusher for food that I didn't like. I felt much safer now, but I still didn't put it past Alex or Balls to cut my rations. So I started ordering raw food; carrots, pumpkins potatoes, sweet potato, leeks, radishes, lettuce. Half of it I ate, the other half I planted.
I made a spade from an oven tray and the trunk of a small tree Manuel had knocked down when he rode his bike drunk over my front lawn.
Every morning after my run I'd spend half an hour in the garden, planting rows and rows of potatoes, carrots, fresh greens and climbing beans. There's a kind of magic to getting your hands amongst the dirt that you don't get when you pull a carrot out of the plastic bag.
Life was good. The side of my head had started to heal and I was well and truly catching up to the chicken when it came to the reads battle.

	A Victim of Online Fiction	The Chicken
Reads last 24 hours	500,000	300,000
Reads all time	5,500,000	58,000,000

It’s a pity things didn’t stay that way.