I'm tryna quit alcohol since it came out that it's bad for you in any amounts. It's been hard tho. I'm in my 20's and social drinking is big where I live. Anyway, last night I binge drank with some friends and at the ending of the evening and today I had bad pain in the left side of my throat and neck pain and a weird tension headache. I have health anxiety and I am convinced I have like throat cancer or something :( does anyone have any kind/comforting words they can offer me? I definitely wndwyt

TMJ and Heart Anxiety Is one of the worst pair ever. Neck pain, chest, shoulder or arm with heart anxiety just make this worse

So, I’ve been dealing with anxiety for a little over a year now (25 Y/o F) I’ve finally gotten to a MANAGEABLE level where I can get through most of the day without having a panic attack. I just recently got a job after being unemployed for 8 months. I’m thankful that I am able to work without getting anxious OR a manageable level of anxiety. But lately what’s been bothering me is that the second I leave the building, the anxiety floor gates open and it always starts the same….. it starts with a headache or stomachache that makes me think there’s something internally wrong with me. With this anxiety it causes chest pain and makes my heart race and makes me feel like I am suffocating. I’ve had so many tests ran on me….. Brain Scans, EKG, Chest X-Rays, Torso MRIs….. everything comes back clear but I can’t help it. The second I start getting headaches, I start to dissociate and depersonalization kicks in. What’s worse is that it happens when before bed everyday……. It makes me anxious to have to go to sleep that I take melatonin to fall asleep quicker so I don’t suffer….. it makes me feel dizzy and I start seeing sparkles in my vision or stuff I know isn’t there…… I’m terrified that I’ll never be able to manage this anxiety. I know I need to see a psychiatrist and a therapist to see if I can maybe get some medication to help with this life stress but I’m terrified of medication giving me side effects that I don’t like. I just want a friend to talk to about this anxiety or someone who can relate and can offer advice…..

I was just wondering if anyone had any ideas of cause for this symptom, since it's easy to describe and fairly specific. Some nights I wake up and my little finger and side of hand on left arm are completely numb, indicating only ulnar nerve is affected. I also get mild tingling and partial numbness in the day in that area, less so on the right side.
I also have numbness, tingling, pain in any part of both hands or arms with larger (but normal amounts) of use or when cold.
Other symptoms for completeness are: probable POTS; headaches; numbness/tingling in face; possible migraines; nausea; fatigue.
I saw a neurologist for all the weird tingling symptoms. I had a neck MRI which came back fine, nerve conduction test that's also fine. Neurologist didn't have any other suggestions other than he prescribed nortriptyline.

16f (5'5 or 5'6) Last year I was outside and my finger started twitching, it kind of stung but I thought nothing of it, but when I went inside my arm began to hurt so bad to move, it felt so tender even the touch of a feather hurt. Anyway went to the doctor they said I had tennis elbow, so I got a arm rest and went home, finally felt better after a week or so. Then my other arm began to hurt but the pain was different I could move my arm without pain but the pain was still worse, it felt like lightning, burning, and aching. The original arm that started hurting began to hurt again too, went to the doctor again and got blood work that was sort of abnormal but I was on my cycle. My fingers began to hurt on the left arm specifically pointer finger and pinky. Then my left thigh began to hurt, then the calf. Then my right calf. It's all the same type of pains, burning, lighting, and aching, and for the first time in awhile I'm feeling tender again. I was actually feeling better for a few weeks but then a week or so ago, I felt me getting worse again, but still not as bad as before mostly pain in my left arm and hand, like a burn. Now 2 days ago, I woke up with a hard bump on my leg it was itchy and hurt, right below it my bone is so sore and it feels bumpy. My arm began to burn, and hurt really bad all of a sudden and it feels bumpy too, and it's tender, when I realize that I decide to check my other arm and leg, my other arm isn't bumpy but slightly hurts, amd my other leg is bumpy and hurts like heck. I've also been having chest pain accompanied with left arm pain. Before all this I was having problems with my jaw popping, hurting, and being stiff, then that stopped and now this is my problem, literally back to back.

Headaches are a common ailment that can disrupt daily life, causing discomfort and reducing productivity. While over-the-counter medications can be effective, many people prefer to use natural remedies to alleviate their symptoms. In this article, we explore a variety of home remedies for headaches, focusing on natural and accessible methods that can provide relief.

Understanding Different Types of Headaches

Before delving into remedies, it is essential to understand the different types of headaches. Tension headaches, migraine headaches, and cluster headaches are the most common types, each with distinct characteristics and triggers. Identifying the type of headache you have can help in selecting the most appropriate remedy.

Tension Headaches

Tension headaches are often caused by stress, poor posture, and muscle tension. Symptoms include a dull, aching pain around the head, sensitivity to light and sound, and tightness in the neck and shoulders.

Migraine Headaches

Migraine headaches are more severe and can be debilitating. They are characterized by intense, throbbing pain, usually on one side of the head, and are often accompanied by nausea, vomiting, and sensitivity to light and sound.
Visit website - https://sifaayurveda.com/blog/home-remedies-for-headache/

23F, 160cm, 54Kg, no substances. No known allergies. I am lactose intolerant and have eliminated lactose from my diet. I have been feeling generally 'off' for around a year now, and have been having semi-regular blood tests. I have always had iron levels on the lower side of healthy. I have always eaten a diet high in red meat and other iron-rich foods, and yet I still have low iron.
It began about a year and a half ago, when I suddenly had an episode of feeling very off. I was fatigued, had pain in my arms, a strange rash that didn't go away when pressing (the best way to describe it is unconnected small red and purple blotches, confined to a small area usually appearing on my torso or legs), and experienced an overwhelming feeling of doom. I do have anxiety, however I have never before (or since) experienced that feeling, and there was nothing in my life happening at the time to trigger it.
I had my blood taken and it showed extremely high iron levels all of a sudden (more than 2.5x my previous levels). The only other results of note were low Urea and cholesterol, and high bilirubin. I have never had anything wrong with my liver before. My white blood cell count was normal at this time. The doctor recommended to monitor and have a follow-up test in three month's time.
Three months passes and I remain fatigued, and the joint pain is on and off. The rash mostly just appears after showering. I'm not sure if it's related, but I started coughing up a large volume of tonsil stones. My follow-up blood test showed that my iron had returned to its normal borderline low levels! everything else had returned to normal, except my white blood cell count. The total count had decreased but was still within healthy levels. My neutrophil levels had decreased by 50%. Everything looked pretty normal, so despite still feeling bad I didn't test again for another 8 months. I felt embarassed to talk to doctors as I felt like I was wasting their time.
Over those 8 months my energy levels took a nosedive. I could only last until around 3pm before feeling incredibly tired. I am not a big caffeine drinker, and drinking tea didn't help my energy levels. I get around 8 hours of sleep per night. I started taking iron supplements with vitamin c, but there was no improvement. The strange rash continued after showering, however the joint pain decreased (but still occured). I saw a doctor who confirmed the rash wasn't due to scarlet fever. He told me not to be concerned as it may be due to a skin allergy. I was feeling nauseous every morning, and my abdomen was constantly bloated. I often experienced severe pain just under the ribs. I also got recurring pain in my lower left abdomen and my doctor suggested a possible hernia. At nights I would again feel nauseous. I was still eating like normal. I always felt like there was something caught in the back of my throat, and I had a lot of excess mucus. I was constantly clearing my throat.
I mainly noticed that wounds were bleeding for longer and I had a lot of mouth ulcers. My gums would bleed overnight and are always an inflamed red colour despite regular burshing, flossing, and dental checkups. Also strangely I have had new brown moles appearing even in places not exposed to the sun. Around 5-6 new moles appear per month. I had a skin check by a dermatologist, and he confirmed no skin cancer. He biopsied two moles which came back healthy. I have been getting itchy red sores on my hands and feet which come and go. This is different to the other rash, and happens mainly when exposed to moisture for too long.
Still feeling very off, I went back for the next blood test. My cholestorol had reverted to the previous low levels, and my glucose was very low (borderline hypoglycemic). I have no family history of diabetes. My total white blood cell levels had once again dropped and were now bordeline low. My Neutrophils in particular were clinically low and the report noted mild neutropenia. I had not recenty been sick or had an infection. My iron levels were still borderline low despite taking supplements. The doctor once again said to just do follow-up testing when possible. That was a month ago, and I have since moved somewhere remote with very limited access to healthcare facilities to volunteer.
Since then, my appetite has been steadily decreasing. I have been eating around 1.5 meals a day as I feel very full very quickly. I don't weigh myself regularly, however it looks like I have been losing some weight. My throat is now constantly mildly irritated. A doctor noted that the lymph nodes on the right side of my neck were enlarged, however we chalked this off to me moving to the tropics. Two lymph nodes have remained swollen most of the time, one feels firm and doesn't hurt. The other feels soft and moveable, and is a little sore when pressed. The doctor checked for both ear and throat infections but nothing was found. The doctor recommended an ultrasound of my neck, however there are no ultrasound facilities in the place i'm living.
I had to go to a hospital in a neighbouring location for unrelated reasons after an injury, and they did x-rays of my entire spine. Nothing was noted in the neck area, and no blood tests were taken. I brought up the other symptoms I had been experiencing, but after treating the injury I was discharged.
I am just not entirely sure what to do. I am tired of feeling sick all the time. No changes in diet or supplements have worked, and doctors seem to have no answer for me. I keep being dismissed for a variety of circumstantial reasons like moving to the tropics, being stressed, indigestion, period symptoms. Everyone keeps saying it's because of the tropical climate, but these symptoms have been ongoing since months before, and the blood tests were all taken prior to moving.
At one doctor's appointment he asked if there was a possibility of blood born diseases. I noted that I used to work as a medical sterilisation technician, however I had never had a needlestick injury or other contamination that I knew of. It has been three years since I worked that job.
At this stage I am scared to go back to the doctor as I feel like I am wasting everyone's time. It would take a lot of effort for me to access medical facilities due to my location, and I don't see the point in going in for a follow-up test when I will probably be brushed off again. I would appreciate any advice at all, noting that it is very difficult for me to access medical facilities at the moment.

As the title says. I have been having a crazy long sinus headache. I have been taking augmentin and prednisone with no luck so far. It hurts a lot behind my right eye and between my eyebrows. Just pretty much my forehead only. My neck is now in a little pain but i always have pain from sleeping in bad positions. The only thing I could think of is that I got hit in the eye weedeating my yard but it was such a small pebble or thing and that happens all the time so I just doubt that would have done anything. Other than that I have a tooth that needs a root canal but the doctor doesn’t think that is the cause as it is on the whole other side. Only other thing is I got hit by a tiny little fishing weight while fishing right in the sinus area but once again doc says that is probably not the issue. So now I just wait. I’m on meds none are relieving the pain and every time it starts to rain it just gets so much worse. Sunny days aren’t too bad. But when the weather changes it’s horrible. Everyone just keeps saying it’s sinus and allergies. Or a barometric pressure headache. But I’ve never had those before so why would I get them now?

Daniel crushed the shirt into the case, stuffing it down like the pain in his chest. Christopher would have folded that, he thought, snatching another from the pile. It was the white linen, and still smelled faintly of irises. La Vie est Belle. Ashley had been so taken aback when he casually bought it that day on the rue. It was part of Christopher’s charm, a token of affection - and wealth. Daniel grimaced at how calculated it had been, and how genuinely she’d received it.
He shoved the shirt in and glanced at the clock. 20 minutes. How long did a manicure take, ordinarily? The suits folded awkwardly but it would have to do, so long as the suitcase closed. He returned to the wardrobe. He’d leave most of the shoes. Knockoffs were easily replaceable. He reached for the oxfords but paused. There was a scuff on the toe, dark and coarse on the shining leather. God, she’s a terrible dancer, he thought, an unbidden smile emerging. She’d joked that maybe she should just stand on his toes, let him dance for both of them. “Like daddy used to,” she’d laughed, and Christopher had laughed with her, as if he didn’t know ‘daddy’ had left her millions and was the only reason they were swaying to Strauss at an overpriced gala. Yet he’d kept dancing, with bruised toes and scuffed shoes and something gnawing inside him.
He glanced at the jewellery on the nightstand. Christopher appreciated how it looked on her slender neck, but Daniel knew its market value, down to the ruble, euro, or franc. That’s not the job, he reminded himself but he tossed the string of pearls into the case anyway, because they were a clean fence, not because that’s what she’d worn that first night he saw her across a crowded room in Prague.
She’d seemed so guarded then, a newly minted socialite in a swirl of sycophants. Christopher had been a breath of fresh air. Aloof but engaging, uninterested in her connections, just her company. He’d worked hard on that first impression, congratulating himself with a bourbon once she’d said a fond goodnight.
I’d love a glass of Jack, he thought. Christopher - “Not Chris?” she’d asked at brunch the next day. “Never,” he’d said with a practiced smile - was a whiskey man. Daniel drank bourbon. He felt a pang deep inside. She’d never once called him Chris.
A bundle of tickets lay next to the bulging case. Four stops. Three names. All one way. She’d never find Christopher, nor the greater part of the trust fund she’d let him ‘invest.’ Christopher would evaporate like the dream he’d begun as three months ago. Daniel checked the clock again. She’d be back soon. Looking for Christopher, showing off her nails, talking about dinner. His eyes stung and his steps felt heavy. He flung open the case and shook out the suits fumbling for hangers, laying aside the grey McQueen. Damnit, he’d wear the oxfords. She’d like that.

41F about 80 kg, generally well. Doctors appointments are hard to get here. I have a stiff/sore trapezius muscle on the left it almost feels like it pings when I eat sometimes. But now it has started hurting at the base of my throat when I swallow and it hurts a lot in my throat if I push on my throat between my collar bones. No fever or cough.
Edited to ask: ride it out… or try to see a doctor somehow ?

18F, 5’3 133 lbs, i have bulimia, no medications or other preexisting conditions that i know of
so i’ve been coughing up mucus for a while, i think it started back in december when my bulimia started getting bad. it’s always in the back of my throat, when i cough it up it’s clear or a little cloudy. it’s worth mentioning i’ve probably had post-nasal drip for much longer but it only started getting to this point with the frequent purging. i don’t have chest pain or trouble breathing or anything like that, just intermittent stomach pain, and i have been getting a lot of headaches lately when i never used to get them. joint/muscle pain too. could this be anything serious?

रसूल की अंतिम चिंता और अंतिम इच्छा !!
यह एक अटल सत्य है कि सबको एक न एक दिन मरना होगा , चाहे कोई कितना बड़ा महापुरुष , अवतार , या नबी क्यों न हो , लेकिन अक्सर देखा गया है कि जब बड़े से बड़े अपराधी ,और नास्तिक के मौत का समय आने लगता है तो वह ईश्वर को याद करने लगता है , और उसके मन से शत्रुओं के प्रति नफ़रत समाप्त हो जाती है , अपने अंतिम दिनों लोग अपने आश्रितों की चिंता करने लगते हैं , लेकिन अल्लाह के प्रिय और अंतिम रसूल की बात सबसे निराली थी , लगभग 13 -14 दिनों की घातक बीमारी के कारण सोमवार केदिन इस्लामी महीने सफर 29 तारीख हिजरी सन 11 को उनका देहांत हो गया था , इन हदीसों में उनकी मौत से एक सप्ताह से पहले की बातें दी गयी हैं , , ऐसी गंभीर बीमारी की हालत में उन्होंने न तो अल्लाह को याद किया और न अपने अनुयाइयों के बारे में चिंता प्रकट की थी , बल्कि उनको सबसे चिंता यही थी कि कल रात को अपनी किस पत्नी के साथ सोयेंगे ,
1-मरते समय रसूल की चिंता
"आयशा ने कहा की जानलेवा बिमारी की हालत में रसूल अपनी पत्नियों से पूछते थे कि मैं कल कहाँ ठहरूँगा ?और मैं कल कहाँ रहूँगा ? इस पर रसूल ने आयशा की तरफ देखा , आयशा ने कहा उस दिन निय्यमानुसार मेरी बारी थी , इस पर पत्नियां बोलीं आप जिसके साथ चाहें रह सकते हैं , तब रसूल मेरे ही घर में ठहर गए , और वहीँ मर गए , अल्लाह ने उनको ऐसी हालत में उठा लिया जब उनका चेहरा मेरे स्तनों के बीच था ,और उनके मुंह से निकली लार मेरी लार से मिल रही थी "
، عَنْ عَائِشَةَ ـ رضى الله عنها ـ أَنَّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم كَانَ يَسْأَلُ فِي مَرَضِهِ الَّذِي مَاتَ فِيهِ ‏ "‏ أَيْنَ أَنَا غَدًا أَيْنَ أَنَا غَدًا ‏"‏‏.‏ يُرِيدُ يَوْمَ عَائِشَةَ، فَأَذِنَ لَهُ أَزْوَاجُهُ يَكُونُ حَيْثُ شَاءَ، فَكَانَ فِي بَيْتِ عَائِشَةَ حَتَّى مَاتَ عِنْدَهَا‏.‏ قَالَتْ عَائِشَةُ فَمَاتَ فِي الْيَوْمِ الَّذِي كَانَ يَدُورُ عَلَىَّ فِيهِ فِي بَيْتِي، فَقَبَضَهُ اللَّهُ، وَإِنَّ رَأْسَهُ لَبَيْنَ نَحْرِي وَسَحْرِي، وَخَالَطَ رِيقُهُ رِيقِي‏.‏ "
"Narrated Aisha: that during his fatal ailment, Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), used to ask his wives, "Where shall I stay tomorrow? Where shall I stay tomorrow?" He was looking forward to Aisha's turn. So all his wives allowed him to stay where he wished, and he stayed atAisha's house till he died there. `Aisha added: He died on the day of my usual turn at my house. Allah took him unto Him while his head was between my chest and my neck and his saliva was mixed with my saliva."
Bukhari-Vol. 7, Book 62, Hadith 144
रसूल को ऐसी चिंता इसलिए हो रहीथी , क्योंकि उनकी 11 पत्निया और कई रखेंलें थी , जिनके साथ सहवास की बारी तय करने के लिये उन्होंने अनोखी तरकीब निकाल ली थी ,
2-लाटरी से सहवास की बारी
आयशा ने कहा कि रसूल लाटरी ( أَقْرَعَ ) निकाल कर औरतों की बारी तय करते थे ,और जिस पत्नी के नाम लाटरी निकलती थी वह रसूल के साथ सोती थी , एक बार सौदा का नाम निकला लेकिन उसने रसूल को खुश करने के लिए अपनी बारी ( Turn ) आयशा को दे दी "
Narrated Aisha: Allah's Apostle used to draw lots among his wives and would take with him the one on whom the lot fell. He also used to fix for everyone of his wives a day and a night, but Sauda bint Zam'a gave her day and night to 'Aisha, the wife of the Prophet intending thereby to please Allah's Apostle.
Bukhari- Volume 3, Book 48, Number 853:
रसूल की पत्नियों में कुछ विधवा ,अधेड़ ,कुरूप , मोटी और थुलथिली देह वालीं भी थी , जो उनकी अदम्य वासना पूर्ति के लिए उपयोगी नहीं थीं ,इसलिये वह बड़ी चालाकी से बूढ़ी पत्नियों की बारी जवान पत्नी को दिलवा देते थे ,
3-मोटी पत्नी को सहवास से छूट
आयशा ने कहा कि सौदा मोटी और सुस्त औरत थी , इसलिये रसूल उसे सहवास से जल्दी जाने की अनुमति दे दिया करते थे।
Narrated 'Aisha :Sauda asked the permission of the Prophet to leave earlier at the night of Jam', and she was a fat and very slow woman. The Prophet gave her permission.
Bukhari-Volume 2, Book 26, Number 740:
मरते समय रसूल के दिल में यहूदियों ,ईसाइयों (गैर मुस्लिम ) के प्रति नफ़रत और बढ़ गयी थी , और जब उनको होश आता था वह यहूदिययों और ईसाइयों पर लानतों की बरसात कर देते थे ,
4-यहूदियों और ईसाइयों पर लानत
आयशा ने कहा कि ऎसी जानलेवा बीमारी में भी रसूल कहते रहे की " यहूदीयों और ईसाइयों पर अल्लाह की लानत हो "
Narrated `Aisha:Allah's Messenger in his fatal illness said, "Allah cursed the Jews and the Christians,
"، عَنْ عَائِشَةَ ـ رضى الله عنها ـ قَالَتْ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم فِي مَرَضِهِ الَّذِي لَمْ يَقُمْ مِنْهُ ‏ "‏ لَعَنَ اللَّهُ الْيَهُودَ وَالنَّصَارَى، "
Bukhari-Vol. 2, Book 23, Hadith 472
रसूल ने मरते समय भी विश्व के कल्याण और आपसी भाईचारे की कामना नहीं की थी , उलटे उनकी अंतिम इच्छा थी कि जहाँ भी इस्लामी राज्य हो वहां विधर्मियों सफाया हो जाये
5-विधर्मियों को अरब से निकालो
"बीमारी के तनाव के बावजूद रसूल ने दर्द से कराहते हुए कहा " सारे अरब से यहूदियों , ईसाइयों और मुश्रिकों को निकाल दो "
in spite of the strain of disease and suffering from pain,Prophet said "Jews, Christians and polytheists should be expelled out of Arabia.
"على الرغم من سلالة من المرض والمعاناة من الألم، وقال النبي "يجب طرد اليهود والنصارى والمشركين من الجزيرة العربية. "
मिश्कतुल मसाबिह,(مشكاة المصابيح) -1/102]
इसलिए जो लोग भारत - पाक चर्चा और मित्रता की वकालात कर रही हैं , उन्हें समझना होगा कि जिनके रसूल के विचार अन्य धर्म के लोगों के प्रति ऐसे विचार हों उनके अनुययियों से चर्चा और मित्रता की अपेक्षा रखना मूर्खता नहीं तो और क्या है ? रसूल की तरह पाकिस्तान की यही इच्छा है कि कश्मीर से सभी हिन्दू निकल जाएँ
क्या सांप अपना जहर छोड़ सकता है ?
(280 )- (22/08/2015 )

It all started with a uti and being prescribed cipro for 5 days. Doctor who prescribed gave me no side effect warnings so I asked. He said just some leg pain but that’s normal. He also said I could take it with ibuprofen if any pain lingered from the back pain from my uti. God I wish I googled this first. After the first few doses I had leg pain, tachycardia, brain fog, headache and fatigue. Later came the tingling in my nerves.
After my very last dose the anxiety went in full blown panic attack, tremors, terrible headache, impending doom and body aches. At the ER they would not listen to me about cipro and this being an adverse effect. They assumed because I finished it, it was out of my system. How the hell do I know more than a doctor. I insisted, but they couldn’t get my heart rate down or the headache to go away. So they gave me something in an IV to calm me down. Chest x ray showed no issues but they did not do an ekg. They sent me home with hydroxyzine and insisted I could continue ibuprofen for my headache.
Went home. Took the hydroxyzine and ibuprofen and ended in the ER again. This time ekg was performed and found a prolonged qtc interval.
Second doctor said I should’ve never been given cipro or to ignore any pain. (Great). The hydroxyzine was not helping the prolonged qtc so they stopped that. They gave me Valium but the tremors and anxiety wouldn’t go down. Then I was given Ativan to take home.
I’ve had an appt with a cardiologist who also insist my anxiety is self driven. I tried to explain that I can be completely calm and my heart will jump up if I’m standing, walking, talking fast and even in the middle of the night.
Fast forward now I tried my hardest to take nothing so I can feel normal. Heart rate woke me up in the middle of the night. Couldn’t get back to sleep without being woken up by my heart rate. Unfortunately I caved and took half of a 1mg Ativan.
I can’t live like this. I am a stay at home mom with two young boys. I was very active with them and now I can barely get up from the couch. I’m terrified to take any thing that may cause a flare. I feel like doctors are ignoring me.
Please help.

Hi all, 35M here with problems due to smoking but should otherwise be healthy. Backstory below:
On 24th of January I received a whooping cough and covid-19 Pfizer vaccine. That night, either due to the vaccines or weaning myself off other medication at the time I was intensely agitated, and was chain smoking to calm my nerves, persisting even though the back of my throat was in a lot of pain.
For the following week I became quite run down. I also developed a “blockage” in my airways or lungs, which is hard to describe, but feels like a dull pain or pressure behind the breastbone. I’m not certain if it was/is in the lungs or the windpipe.
3 weeks after initially being run down I saw my doctor who suggested asthma, and I started on Breo elliptica. This didn’t seem to make any difference. For the next couple of months I continued to smoke both cigarettes and bongs at night, always accompanied by a drink to calm any irritation in the back of my throat.
I did this until the 23rd of March or so when the pain/pressure felt behind my breastbone “flared up” and got quite bad, and my throat got quite hoarse.
I went back to the doctor for a chest CT scan which said I had paraseptal emphysema and a moderate degree of concomitant centrilobular pulmonary emphysema in the upper lobes of both lungs. Nothing else was noted.
Upon receiving this news I quit smoking. The severe pressure behind my breastbone was accompanied by wheezing at night, and I was barely able to get a few words out at once.
At this point in time I also started feeling severely fatigued throughout the day and started sleeping around 11-12 hours a night without feeling properly rested on waking. I’ve also felt constantly woozy and dizzy since.
As of now the severe pressure behind the breastbone has subsided although still remains mild, and the wheezing has stopped, however it still feels as if there’s a blockage in my airways—like I’m “wheezy without any noise”—and like I don’t have a full “tank of air”.
On longer sentences I run out of breath and walking makes me start drawing in deep, repeated breaths as if I’d been jogging around the block. Walking at my normal pace also intensifies the dizzy sensation and I can only make it around the block before feeling exhausted. Due to this and the fatigue I’m essentially homebound.
Prior to being run down and developing the sensation in my chest I was walking an hour a day comfortably.
I’ve been back to the doctor to discuss this, but pulse oximetry records my oxygen saturation at 98%, and I’ve also been for a spirometry test which suggests my breathing is within normal bounds. Because of this—and the fact that the blockage in my airways popped up within only a week of being run down in late January—I don’t believe emphysema to be the reason for my tight chest and breathing difficulties.
It’s now been almost 4 months since I’ve been able to breathe properly, and 2 months since I’ve been sleeping 11-12 hours a night and feeling exceptionally fatigued and woozy/dizzy each day. I’m scared because I’ve currently been off work for nearly a year due to other reasons and will have to go back soon to support myself, although that feels like a complete impossibility with how fatigued and spaced out I’ve been each day.
As of now I have no insight into what could be causing these issues, although I have a pulmonologist appointment scheduled in for 3 months in the future.
Are there any doctors here that has any idea what could possibly be going on with me, and how I could get some relief? My current GP has suggested focusing on what's right with me instead of what could possibly be wrong (I've also had good blood tests and a stress echo done), but the wheezing I had and remaining tightness in my chest suggests I have more than just somatic symptoms...

I just took Zomig / zolmitriptan for the first time yesterday afternoon and within 20 minutes my migraine was much more manageable. My headache and intense neck pain at the base of my skull were dulled to the point where I could go about my day.
But 4-5 hours later, the migraine pain started to come back and I had a full-blown migraine pain overnight and still have it the next morning. Is this normal with Zomig? My doctor told me I could take another Zomig 2 hours after the first of if I needed it, but I didn’t need it then.
I’m wary of taking too many triptans because Sumatriptan eventually gave me rebound headaches and ended up increasing the frequency of my migraines.
I was so hopeful when the Zomig worked at first and now I’m feeling really disappointed.

I (M21) hooked up with a guy (M25) last Thursday. I sucked him off and swallowed his load. He said he was tested two weeks ago and came out clean, though I made a mistake and didn’t ask to see results. Today I woke up with a strongly sore throat (I have white spots on the back) and I have a headache, and I’m freaking out if it’s an STD. The problem is, at the local hospital there is only a limited pool of tests they do each week and it’s full for next week. My other option would be to go to the GP, but as I don’t have insurance I’d have to tell my parents…
Is this a possible STD or am I freaking out too much?

The stone beneath their feet ripped itself off the ground, flying upward to collect into one enormous group. Suddenly, it curved downward towards the Hangman, resembling something between a murder of crows and a hail of arrows–
And had no effect on him.
The mass of cobblestone froze before reaching Valente, as if its time had forever stopped. While it still trembled, almost seeing to travel down an invisible road, that was all.
'This isn't part of his Hangman Talent,' Aspreay noted.
'The gods may yet forgive me, but I shall never forgive myself,' Valente thought. 'And even if it won't undo my crimes…at least I can stop a monster that sneers at death from roaming this earth.'
The Hangman was many things. Overwhelmed. Shocked. Guilty. All of those and more.
But he was still a genius.
'Damaging an opponent of higher Rank using the terrain is an obvious move,' Valente pondered, 'but I doubt he believed it would work. No – his aim was to distract me while narrowing the distance between us. He wants the Realm to be even smaller.'
The Hangman aimed his projectile Spheres at Aspreay, yet this time death was not imbued upon them. They were merely shot forward at incredible speeds, passing cleanly through his arms and legs like the sharpest of arrows.
Aspreay stopped his charge forward. His Noble Guard still protected him from death and healed every injury – it wasn't enough.
'If I kill him before he realizes what happened,' Valente thought, 'then his Realm just brings him back straight away. He'll simply go on like nothing happened, as he never had the time to suffer. But if I instead leave him alive, his pain and injuries will slow his pace. He can't approach me in that state.'
Valente was not raised by tutors like most other Hangmen, and he'd been taught very little of Realms. But he knew this much from his own fights against Lords: Realms were slower to heal injuries than to revive a user from immediate death.
This difference amounted to just a scant few seconds. Yet in this duel of titans…
That could be enough to kill the unkillable.
"You cannot and will not take a single step toward me, Aspreay!" Valente snarled. "Villains do not have the will of a hero! They have no cause noble enough to will their bodies through the worst of pains."
"I need no cause, peasant," Aspreay fired back. "We are inside my Realm now, and so long we stay here, your knees shall bend before me, and your lord shall go wherever he pleases."
His taunt appeared to shake the Hangman's resolve, yet not enough for his attacks to falter. The barrage of spheres continued, drawing out wounds and hindering Aspreay's march. 'Bastard', he thought, with a grimace. 'Even if Emperor Ciro can't detect the use of Lordly Talents, everyone in the city will have noticed the explosion Valente caused earlier. I have to finish this quickly.'
That was easier said than done. He hadn't even managed to progress a single meter since his last advance.
As the Hangman kept up his assault, he contemplated the stage that Aspreay had set. 'He intends to strengthen his Realm by refining it and reducing its size multiple times.'
Aspreay smiled at his enemy's thoughts. Although his opponent could not hear his response, he imagined one nonetheless. 'Considering our difference in rank, I would have to narrow down my Realm to the size of a closet. We would have to be within striking distance of one another's fist for it to have a prayer of working.
Yet this strategy held a massive risk – one that the Hangman was well-aware of. 'He can only use Noble Guard inside his Realm, and last time, he took nearly a full second to use Realm Reconstruction. I am more than capable of killing him in that period. That's why he wants to distract me.'
Even so, the Talent of a Lord could not be ignored. The risk and reward were plain.
'If I manage to narrow my Realm down even more–' Aspreay thought.
'If I manage to reach him before he can use Reconstruction–' Valente thought.
Both steadied their resolve.
'–THEN I CAN KILL HIM!–'
Aspreay made the first move. When his lips started to move, Valente readied himself to react at a moment's notice.
"Kill yourself, Peasant."
There was no way to avoid the order, but neither was there a reason to try doing so. The gut punch sensation it inflicted was uncomfortable, yet nothing Valente could not withstand. A momentary distraction at most; not even long enough for Aspreay to reconstruct his Realm.
"Disperse, sand."
Valente did not anticipate this order, nor could he have done much to stop it, regardless. Compacted sand rose up from underground, obscuring his vision. 'Wait…his previous order, where he lifted the cobblestone…it wasn't meant to harm me – but to expose the sand underneath. How did he know it was there?'
'Do you really think I wouldn't know what lies beneath the streets of the Empire capital I served?' Aspreay thought, almost offended. 'I will have you pay for your insolence.'
He dashed through the blinding dust that his Order had created. While his death command failed to harm Valente, it delayed the Hangman long enough that he wasn't ready to attack before Aspreay had already moved elsewhere.
Upon recovering, Valente launched a number of injuring spheres in every direction. Fast as he was, though, he failed to land a hit. There were simply too many places for Aspreay to hide, and whenever he thought of a place to aim, the Lord knew to avoid that area. 'Where is he? What is he–'
The Realm dissipated.
"NO!" Valente screamed. He shot forth his Orbs like a hailstorm of arrows. "Where are you, villain?! Show yours–"
"–REALM–RECONSTRUCTION–!"
Just as the cloud of sand dissipated, Valente was finally able to make out the vague shape of Aspreay standing arrogant and proud. "8 meters," said the lord, through heavy breaths. "Down from 14."
"You basta–" the Hangman started, then stopped as he examined Aspreay more carefully. The lord hadn't come out of their exchange unscathed. He was now clutching his left shoulder, blood flowing from the left side of his torso. One Orb had gone directly through Aspreay's body, and another had lightly grazed it.
'Why hasn't he healed yet?' the Hangman wondered.
Aspreay outwardly maintained his grin, trying not to let the pain show. 'Noble Guard only heals wounds that take place inside my Realm. You'll figure that out soon enough, won't you, troublesome little shit?'
Had it been just that, it wouldn't have been a problem. The issue came with Valente's second realization. 'He seems exhausted…of course.'
"You're getting weaker," the Hangman noted, a smile creeping across his features. "I did find it strange that a Lord could Reconstruct his Realm as many times as you have. My knowledge of your Talent may be lackluster, but I was still confident that you were only capable of doing that once per day at most."
"Limits only apply to the unblessed commoners that were born without skill," Aspreay coughed out. His breathing had become more ragged, and his vision was starting to blur. "They do not befit someone of my station."
"And yet you are now paying the cost of overusing your Realm," the Hangman said, confidently. "This is where your little game ends. It's taking longer and longer for you to construct it."
That, unfortunately, was correct.
"You have also lost the capacity to impede me with your Orders," Valente pointed out. "The narrower your Realm becomes, the more powerful your Royal Orders are…however, this also means that the recoil from failed Orders hurts far more."
That, too, was correct.
"Lastly – if you try the same trick with the sand again, you'll be pierced to death."
That was likely true as well.
The Hangman adopted a conceited expression of victory. "Surrender now, Aspreay, and face the Emperor's justice rather than–"
"–Kill yourself, peasant."
It didn't matter that his Canvas was bloodied and falling apart; at 8 meters, the Royal Order was stronger than before. If the last had been comparable to a sudden gut punch, this was closer to a disorienting sequence of strikes. Coupled with his surprise at the sudden defiance, Valente was frozen stunned for one fleeting moment.
It was enough for Aspreay.
"Blind him, sand!"
The same game from before took place – but with more lethal consequences. When inside of a Realm only 8 meters long, the Royal Order became increasingly powerful. The sand behaved with active malice, not just blinding the Hangman, but creeping beneath his eyelids like insects hunting for moisture.
'Even a Hangman would need a moment to compose himself after that kind of sensation,' Aspreay thought. He dispersed his Realm, ready to dash forward.
Only for the sand to disperse as well, leaving Valente unharmed.
This came as a stark surprise to the Lord. Even after dispelling his Realm, its Orders should have continued for at least a few seconds. Yet the sand appeared to have left Valente's eyes as if it had never been there in the first place. More came for him immediately after, and he swept it aside with ease.
'How is he dispersing the sand?' Aspreay wondered. 'That's not a Hangman Talent. Does he…have another Talent? But that–'
Valente's gaze shifted. While he hadn't fully discerned Aspreay's location, enough sand was gone that he'd gotten a rough estimate. The Hangman readied more Orbs, preparing to fling them.
SHIT–
"–REALM–RECONSTRUCTION–!"
The Hangman's hypothesis had been correct. Aspreay was taking longer to rebuild his Realm – and this time, it had almost proved fatal. The Orbs had pierced both his legs; mayhap pierced his knee, even. He didn't think he could walk any longer. As soon as his body fell, it would not stand back up again.
Divine Knowledge pushed his thoughts to race faster and faster. 'The moment the last of the sand is gone, I'll be on the ground, defenseless. How can I keep myself from falling?'
The answer came to him almost in synchronicity with his own order. "Street: give me my lord's right!"
Valente's thoughts were those of triumph. Although he was unhappy about using something called Distance on the sand, he believed that as Aspreay was close to death, and that as no onlookers could see through the cloud of dirt, even the Emperor wouldn't have been too upset about him employing it here.
He expected to see the Villain on the ground, writhing in pain, his Realm nearly shattered, and his will gone. 'He will beg for forgiveness–he will admit fault in the death of the commoners–he will confess to his sins!'
Then the dust cleared, and his expectations shattered.
"What in His Imperial Majesty's name…" Valente began, then trailed off. In front of him was the personification of the Realm he found himself constricted within. Cobblestone, sand, metal, dirt – they had all been sucked into a single spot and then forcibly arranged into a single piece of furniture.
A throne.
And sitting upon it, one bloody leg crossed over another, one elbow on the armrest, chin on his hand, was Aspreay. The Lord smiled through his pain, the pleasure of the fragile genius' shocked face empowering him. He gazed down at the Hangman as if looking at a mere petitioner in his court. "How pitiful," Aspreay coldly spat out, "that the Empire's greatest genius is also its worst coward."
'He, he can't even stand. It doesn't matter how grandiose of an entrance he makes – there's nothing he can do!' the Hangman told himself. "No use in bluffing, Aspreay. You can barely talk, let alone fight."
They were 4 meters apart now. Closer than before, but not enough to land any sort of definitive blow.
"Aspreay…be reasonable. Any further Royal Orders might kill you. Just surrender – it's your best chance of survival."
"Survival?" Aspreay threw his head back and laughed. "Do you think me a man so petty as to be concerned with that?" His grin widened. "I seek not life, but victory."
"You dare waste the life the Emperor gave you?" Valented accused. "I name you villain, traitor, and blasphemer!"
"And you disgrace the memory of those you've killed." Aspreay's laugh turned from manic to derisive. "Tell me, Hangman. Do you think yourself blameless for the Puppet massacre? Do you tell yourself that you were just a child? A naive youth who knew not what he did?"
"I…I did not massacre them," Valente fired back. "I only defeated their lord and destroyed the mountain. The…the others handled…"
"What a farce," Aspreay stated, in a mixture of amusement and disgust. "Who would have thought the Empire's sharpest blade to be so soft? You were wielded like a weapon, because you did not want to be a man. Do you truly believe yourself to be innocent? Do you think there were no Puppets hiding in the Mountains after your lot massacred the rest? Do you think yourself blameless for the murder of innocents after you tore away their only protection?'
"I…that's not…"
"And need I remind you, Hangman," Aspreay continued, gesturing wildly from his throne, "that you killed a lord by making him offer his life to protect his people?"
"I didn't know!" Valente screamed, his eyes full of tears. "I had no idea that–"
"It seems like no one ever taught you manners. I suppose that's to be expected. You come not from any noble blood, as I understand? Orbs may buy rank, yet regrettably, they do not and cannot buy class. Dress a pig in riches and power if you wish – he'll still be a filthy commoner who doesn't deserve to lick the mud off my boots."
Valente angrily shook his head. He wanted to fling himself at Aspreay, to come closer and deliver violence upon him, but knew better than to play into the man's hands. "You will show me the respect I deserve, Villain."
"Speaking of respect," Aspreay mocked, "you now stand before a lord and his throne."
He stretched out a hand. "Kneel."
It all happened at once. Valente had earnestly believed that Aspreay wouldn't use another order in his injured state. Combined with his guilty mind wandering to the deaths he'd caused since the Emperor rescued him, he hesitated – and then felt his knees hit the ground.
'Kneel..?' It was the first order Aspreay had given that wasn't a proclamation of death. Valente's eyes widened as he understood why. 'His orders until now…he wasn't just trying to kill me in one move. He wanted me to assume that he couldn't issue less demanding types of orders!'
The Hangman struggled in vain. While he could have rejected an order to die, he couldn't reject one meant to restrain him – not from 4 meters apart. Valente was so focused on attempting to rise that he paid little to the next order that came out of Aspreay's mouth.
"Send me forward."
The throne he had created, the incarnation of his pride, launched him forward at Valente, whose lowered gaze did not immediately notice the incoming lord. Mid-flight, Apsreay called off his Realm. Immediately after, before even reaching the ground, he cried out–
"–REALM–RECONSTRUCTION–!"
It felt like agony, like his very soul was being ripped off from his body – yet he would not yield. Death was acceptable, but not to a brat like this. Aspreay extended his arm, frenzied laughter washing over him as the last of the Wall was reconstructed behind.
The falling Lord and the unsteady Hangman were now less than 1 meter apart.
"KILL YOURSELF, PEASANT!"
'Increase the Distance at the ends of his Realm – keep his hand from touching me!' Valente thought.
Every outcome and reaction unfolded at the same time, his visions of the past mingling with the reality of the present. 'I…I had to do it. He would have killed me!' For a moment, Aspreay appeared not unlike that Puppet Lord from years ago, spurring Valente into a fit of desperate action.
The Hangman used his Talent to increase the distance of Aspreay's Realm ever so slightly. His mind raced with guilt as he pushed against the wall. He'd only had the time to increase it back up to 3 meters.
Although truth be told, it wouldn't have mattered if he failed entirely. Even at less than 1 meter, Aspreay's order wasn't strong enough to seriously injure – let alone kill – a Hangman of Valente's Rank.
And that was fine.
'So you have another Talent…one that the Emperor didn't want you to use. That's why you have the title of Strongest.' Aspreay grinned at the man, letting realization sink in. 'I'll take this gift of knowledge with me. This is my little victory against you, Strongest Man.'
"Like hell I'll let–"
The Order had nonetheless caused the Hangman to stumble and feel a small amount of blood in his throat, his body involuntarily hunching over to cough it out. It was barely a wound, closer to an inconvenience – and Aspreay had nearly died to obtain it.
But the Hangman still feared him.
And this combination of events was the opening he needed to issue his final order. "I BANISH: MYSELF!"
Much like he'd once sent a woman flying through the walls of his castle, he now issued himself the same order – flinging his own body through his Realm. He crashed through the debris of a destroyed building, breaking something inside himself, although he wasn't sure what.
The Hangman started to go after him, but was rebuffed by the Wall. "Consider yourself sealed for now," Aspreay muttered. "You could easily break though…but you think that an attack like that might end up hurting more civilians, don't you? So you'll just have to wait. Wait…for now…."
--
When Aspreay's consciousness returned to him, he was already upright and stumbling forward through the ruins of the destroyed city district. Amidst frantic chaos and injured citizens, the bloodied lord did not stand out among the crowd.
So many people died today, he thought absently, biting his lip to keep from coughing blood. 'I doomed hundreds to save Vasco.' His eyes lingered on the rubble, the many clouds of dust, and desperate waves of people crowding around fallen buildings. And I would have gladly doomed thousands more, he determined, with an odd calmness.
Aspreay didn't mind how far he'd gone, but he knew of less where to go from here. His injuries were numerous, and the Emperor would soon send someone to kill him – not that there was much need for it. He was doomed to die within a few weeks. Days, even.
Such was the price for Reconstructing his Realm so many times in a row. His Canvas was likely stained with blood, if not downright rotten. Twice would have been strenuous; five was a slow suicide.
Albeit a glorious one.
Alas, despite feeling rather content with the coming end, Aspreay found his weary feet treading through rubble nonetheless. He knew not the cause of his restlessness. A beautiful end to an ugly life, one where his honor – against all odds – was kept. This was what men dreamed of. Why balk at death now?
He truly didn't know why his heart refused to accept the notion. Distantly, he considered the possibility that he never would.
Then he spotted his horse, and could no longer conceive of dying.
"Silver?" Aspreay said, dull surprise coloring his tone. "You're still here?" He managed a hollow laugh. "Weird creature. You get spooked by your own shadow, yet you didn't run when Valente exploded entire buildings?" Tenderness entered his voice. "Stupid horse."
He approached slowly. With care, Aspreay brushed his bloodied hand against the horse. Bitterly, he half-expected it to run, yet somehow wasn't surprised when it didn't. Silver was the one thing he'd taken from Penumbria – the only thing he refused to leave behind.
'A gift?' Aspreay had said years ago. 'You're hardly one for big gestures. What curse befell you?'
'One bearing your name,' Vasco grumbled. He held his gaze for a moment too long – a moment not long enough – then shook his head. 'Search far and wide for a better horse. You'll come up short.'
The Lord of Penumbria nodded, studying the horse of white with spots of black. 'Strong. Well-trained. Appearance aside, there are many horses like this one in the Empire.' He turned around to look at the man. 'What makes this one so special?'
Vasco put two fingers beneath Aspreay's chin and lifted it upward until their eyes met once more. 'This one will always bring you back to me,' he whispered, in a low voice.
Aspreay's vision blurred as his life faded, but that one memory remained clear as it had ever been. "Good thing you're here," he told Silver. Injured ribs pressed against his stomach as he forced himself to mount the horse. Heavens, he wished there had been a saddle nearby. In his state, all he could do was collapse onto the animal and wrap his arms around its neck.
"Hey there boy," Aspreay said, softly. "Apologies. This might be uncomfortable. I know we haven't ridden without a saddle in a while, so bear with me. I'm not sure I can stay conscious…but it's not like my lead has ever done much but slow you down, eh?"
A weak laugh crawled out from his throat. Gods, did it hurt. "Take me to Vasco, please."
Silver started to gallop. Aspreay struggled not to fall, swaying dangerously as the city passed him by. Inky blackness gradually crept into the corners of his vision, his mind losing its battle to stay conscious.
Will I live to see him? It would be wonderful if he did, although unlikely – yet not impossible. Thanks to Silver, death was no longer a certainty. Mayhap he could survive this and escape the capital before the Hangmen came.
A miracle that would need another, when my injuries are too great for most to recover from. But now, chasing that miracle within a miracle actually seemed appealing.
"I feel...oddly refreshed," Aspreay said, as darkness befell his eyes.
​
--
​
Thanks for reading!

Male 30 5’3 150
Medications Concerta 27mg Lexapro 20mg Couple weeks off mirtazapine.
Experiencing symptoms since 2021
Bright red flushing of neck and face, sometimes accompanied with heat other times not really.
Shortness of breath, feeling pressure in chest feels hard to breathe.
Heat intolerance. Unbearable.
Drenched night sweats
Tongue pale swollen and tingles on and off.
Pain upper left ribs/ upper abdomen ( can’t really tell where it’s coming from) Ribs are often sore to touch aswell is underarms
Diahrea Was extremely frequent but hasn’t been as bad lately. Hard to hold urine and stool lots of pressure down there. Pee is abut slow to come out sometimes it takes awhile to start and then is a weak stream
Horribly itchy scalp rash
Tingling and itching sensations on head, feet, legs.
Dry throat, dry cough
Pain and itchin under arms with no rash
Become very tired after minor activity
Often blood pressure is abit low well I’m not sure it’s often 107 sys over 48. Not sure if that’s normal or not.
Only known triggers are heat, exercise , caffeine possibly. After eating possibly hard to keep track.
I’m absolutely desperate I don’t know what to do it’s been years doctors haven’t really done anything for me. To be fair I’m horrible with doctors I get so nervous. I truly feel like I’m being neglected at this point. I’ve had friends with way less symptoms be seeing all sorts of specialists for stuff. I don’t know if it’s how i present my self or what but they seem to not take me seriously. Everyone in my life who knew me before this all started can see a stark difference in my appearance and ability’s. i used to be very active and work full time. Now I need to sleep for 5 hours after minor activity and can’t be in any heat what so ever. Out of breath. How can I explain that I generally feel fucking sick. Like I feel ill
Please any ideas I don’t even know what kind of doctor I need to see. I can’t take it much longer. I don’t know if these symptoms are all related but the most troubling symptoms is the flushing, heat intolerance, night sweats, rib pain , shortness of breath

I 33f was feeling unwell last month. I had all of the symptoms that women have for a HA. I work a very fast paced job and I’m very stressed but on a particular day I had shortness of breath, shooting pain in my neck, nausea, light headed, feeling hot and I vomited also with severe pain in my left arm and burning chest. (I thought it maybe GERD) It was like I had a panic attack or I felt like I was going to die. When I went to the ER they gave me aspirin and did an ekg test twice as well as they monitored my heart the whole time. The tests came back that I had Sinus bradycardia with sinus arrhythmia also Septal Infarct also troponin is <0.012
Should I get a 2nd opinion from a cardiologist?

So this, this takes a lot of contextual details into account, so strap in.
I (27F) have a brother, (33M). The age gap between us is relevant. Growing up, I just wanted to be friends with my brother, he was one of my favorite people in the world even if he did bully me sometimes.
I'm going to provide some examples of his treatment.
When I was about three, he came into my room after I had been put to bed, wearing a mask and holding a butter knife above me. Still afraid of masks to this day.
He would always drink every pitcher of something I made and never make any after finishing it. Sometimes I wouldn't even get a glass. My mom was busy fostering other kids and didn't have time for 'petty squabbles'. Once, I spit in the top of the pitcher and left the lid off so he could see it. He yanked away the bowl of cereal I was eating and spit in it, shoving it back so hard some spilled on me. I had just hit preteen age and was really sick of just taking his crap, so I splashed it back at him. He threw me to the ground and started hitting me. My mom heard the fighting and told us we were both at fault, so he never got punished.
One time, my parents busted him with drugs. There was a screaming match and he was only home from college for the holidays. Once he left, I felt safe to come out of my room again and was at the dining room table drawing or doing winter break worksheets or something. I think I was around 14. My brother came back in and got something from the kitchen before going back down to his room in the basement, but he said some snarky comment to me before going down. I hadn't even said anything or made a noise to warrant it. What I said in turn was 'At least I don't do drugs.' The next second, I was pulled up by my neck and my brother slammed me into the wall. Things are kind of foggy, but my next memory is waking up on the floor and crying for our parents. I'm not really sure what the punishment for that was. I think he just left and went back to college early to avoid it.
After the fight this post is actually about, I learned from my mom that he actively denied that this ever happened. I was really traumatized about it. The drug he claimed to be on became an almost catastrophic trigger. I would feel hands on my throat and the darkness closing in again at the mere mention of it, it could send me into a panic attack. I've gotten better about my reaction to it, but I still refuse to have it anywhere around me or in my life. It's a socially accepted drug, so it's cost me more than a few relationships. When I heard he denied it, I looked at my mom and said, how many times have I lied versus him? And why would I make up something like that? She's seen the reactions. I broke up with a guy I really liked because he refused to keep it away from me. If I saw a scene in a TV show when it was more recent, I would curl up into a ball and couldn't talk, my throat felt so tight, I just cried. I'd like to know how or why I would have faked reactions like that. She never really believed him since he was known to lie, but it was still appalling he tried to lie about something so severe.
And that's not all! Once, my mom kicked him out when she snapped at him for his dog hurting our dogs and he called her a bitch, living rent free with our parents at 27 after failing through college due to partying. My mom had enough and told him to get out. He texted me and asked if he could stay with me for the night, despite me being away at college 2 hours from our town. I didn't think my mom did anything wrong, but I couldn't bring myself to leave him alone like that. I still loved him, even after all that up there.
So I said yes. I lived in an apartment near campus with a roommate, and we each had our own bedroom and ensuite bathroom, plus the kitchenette and a living room we shared. I had a 'friend' at the time- I asked him if he could possibly bring some booze over for my brother, giving a quick run down of the situation, and he agreed that yeah, the man probably needed a drink (I wasn't old enough to purchase alcohol, so I asked him). All three of us hung out on the porch to make sure we didn't disturb my roommate until around 3 AM, where my brother's drunk comments are making me really uncomfortable so my 'friend' suggests we head to bed, since we have class in the morning, too. Friend regularly sleeps with me in my bed, so its not an issue. And I cleared the couch in the shared living room with my roommate before I told my brother it was okay. So I go in first, change into pajamas, and then let my brother in to do all the bathroom stuff he needed before bed. I'm laying down and half asleep when I'm yanked out of bed by my arm and forcibly pushed through my own door, my brother demanding my bed. 'Friend' gently stood up for me and reminded him that I was already being generous by letting him stay at all, he could at least respect me. My brother did not like that. He started slurring angry stuff at both of us and collecting his dog's toys, saying that he'll just drive all the way home if I'm going to be like this. This is after he consumed like, half a bottle of fireball. So that was NOT happening. I'm standing in the way of the front door and blocking it once my brother finally finds his keys and he starts pulling me away and hurting me. 'Friend' tackled him and pinned him to the ground in an old highschool wrestling hold. I snatch the keys and run into the kitchenette, remove the sink filter, and hold the keys close in case I have to throw them down the drain in desperation. My brother is screaming and hurling insults left and right and I'm deeply traumatized already because of his violence towards me and from the vitriol just makes me cry really hard. My roommate knows I'm quiet and the noise wakes her up and she asks what the hell is going on. I try to explain but I'm basically in hysterics and 'friend' explains for me, while calmly still pinning my brother. Roomie was in nursing school and turned on the Nurse Voice immediately to address my brother. She tells him she just lost a friend to a drunk driver, and it is not responsible to drive in this state. She'll perform sobriety tests periodically and when he passes, he can go. And if he continues and tries to leave, she will call the cops on him for drunk driving, and my 'friend' and I could probably tell the cops about the violence, too. Around 5 AM he was finally sober enough to pass and his last words to me were 'I hope you fucking like mom and dad, because we aren't family anymore'. It shattered me.
He didn't talk to me for 2 years.
I got presents when I came home on my birthday and christmas from him during that time, and my parents said he was busy working and left the presents early with them, he was still annoyed but we were family. I believed it. I later realized that my parents were lying and covering up for him because they knew it would have broken my heart.
At some point after that, he started turning himself around. He never really apologized for any of the things he did to me. But I let him back into my life anyway, because I loved him, and I had always wanted my brother to be my friend. Our family is really small. I was just happy to jump at the chance to hang out with him again. He ended up with a girlfriend and he bought a house where they both stayed, so I finally had a place to actually visit him since he had been more or less couch surfing until then. I was so excited. My brother was older and more mature, and he had his own house now! We could finally be close!
Obviously... That wasn't how things turned out.
Why exactly none of us like his girlfriend is a different, long story. But suffice it to say, we all pretty much hated her and hated that he was with her. She basically forbade us from being over at his house very much. I tried to overlook the crappy things she had done to us, because she and I shared a lot of traits and interests. I would have a cool sister! Now? It disgusts me that we share anything in common. Point is, I would still keep trying to be friendly with both of them. There came a day when I sat my brother down and had a real conversation with him. When he was truly sad, he seemed to come to me. He told me he wasn't happy with her. He just was terrified of being alone. He was really afraid of her being a mother, due to her mental and medical state, and the fact that she was so lazy around the house (working from home, too). And that was the last time I was over at his house, because we heard the girlfriend's comforter rustling and he panicked and shoo'ed me out of the house before she realized I was there. That was about 3 years ago.
I kept being really excited when he was over for holidays. But he was over for less and less, because they went with her family more, or she wanted to go home. He wouldn't show up on birthdays the day of, or even the weekend. It'd be like two weeks later, and it was almost always gift cards for my parents. Like jesus christ, the least you could do is hand your parent the card on their birthday. Anyway, I would always ask him to hang out later on and he'd say yeah, then back out at the last minute. It stung every time. I started asking less and less. It got to the point where he would even back out of playing animal crossing with me online, from the comfort of his own home. That's when I gave up. He used to text me once in a while with memes, at least. But that stopped long ago. I realized that I was the only one putting effort into our relationship, and it crushed me.
I'm not going to lie, I became really bitter about his girlfriend. When he announced they were engaged, none of our family was happy. But I managed to save the relationship between all of us by apologizing over text and pointing out that all our faces dropped with pain and confusion because he was referring to his fiancee by a nickname, that was also the name of our dog that had passed only a month ago. Which, that's partially true, that's definitely why my face looked shattered. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't going to bring it up.
As my brother got older and started making healthier decisions, I kept up hope that one day he'd come to his senses. Either ditch the fiance or put more effort into family relationships. But I started losing hope really quickly. I dreaded the day when they would tell us a wedding date or that a baby was on the way.
Mother's day came, and my brother backed out of brunch with my mom, stating he was tired from having breakfast with fiance's mom (yeah. yeah, that was a pretty common theme and just one more reason we didn't like them together). So he'd take her out the next weekend. Last year he backed out after being twenty minutes late because he took his fiancee to urgent care for one of her usual and frequent migraines. He kept telling us he wouldn't be long. Get her a refill on the injections she would use and come to us. An hour and a half later, he said to go home and that he was sorry, we'd reschedule.
He never rescheduled.
So, up comes the make up brunch for my mom this year. I had already given her my present, so she had at least some mother's day celebration. I woke up with a pretty bad headache and immediately downed allergy pills and advil so I could make it through brunch at least, for my mom's sake and to see if my brother had changed any. At this point in the relationship with my brother, I'm pretty bitter. I went back and checked my texts while we were waiting for him in the restaurant. The last text between my brother and I was January of this year. And it was me asking if hypothetically could I stay with him if my mom threw me out (I've asked it before many times, and he would say yes-- It's not really likely that my mom would throw me out, but I have kind of bad anxiety and it makes me feel better to have back up plans). He said 'uh maybe very short term it would be hell with my dogs and schedule lol' and I just stared at the text. He asked if I had considered getting my own place-- Well, yes, I have, but I really can't bring myself to do it because it would mean separating my family's two dogs (technically one is mine, ones is my parents', but they're so attached to each other) and I couldn't just leave my dog behind either. I told him not to worry, because mom had calmed down.
But back to breakfast. I'm usually a little more lively around my brother and usually try to talk to him a lot, about anything, or something I'm excited about. Between my bitterness and the headache, I didn't say more than 40 words through the whole meal, I think. The two times my brother spoke to me at all were to mansplain to me about my favorite Fallout character (its Hancock, he uses drugs, but you can get him off them if you do his friendship arc). He asked me if I'd seen the show yet. I told him no, because I asked a friend to watch through it and see if Hancock's drug use was too frequent or severe before I started it. And then he asked me who Hancock was. And I was like??? The guy with the lasagna face? Turns out Hancock is actually the main character of the show. He pretty much talked down to me 'you know they're not real drugs, right, they just exist in the universe. he takes his inhaler everyday'. Internally I'm like 'No you fucking moron, they're real drugs, with different names. If you paid attention to crafting or lore, you would realize that. You need fertilizer to make the drug you're talking about (jet)-- you know, like people who will shit in a bag and huff it. Buffout is basically steroids. And Hancock decreases his drug use if you become close with him, but sure, tell me about my favorite character you know shit about, not even his fucking name.' But I say none of this. I just return to being quiet and slowly eating my food. The other time he talked to me was when I asked the waitress if my mom could have a redo on her eggs because they weren't the cook she asked for (which, also, this is big for me! I have severe anxiety and ordering food is so hard, much less speaking up about an inconsistency) and my mom was so grateful. She didn't want to make a fuss, but I would, for her. When the lady took the eggs back he's all shitty like 'you know that if they fuck it up the first time, then they probably can't make it right, don't you' and I just looked at him and didn't bother responding. Like, okay. You assume its just one person back there making eggs? If one was screwed, either they would just refire it with extra care or one of the other line cooks would do it. I watch a ton of Kitchen Nightmares and Hells Kitchen, so I think I'm a little more familiar with the back of house or how the line works than my brother. And that people don't actually usually mess with your food for simple or reasonable requests. But he doesn't know that (actually, I roped my mom into Hell's Kitchen, and we then further roped my dad in, so Hell's Kitchen is now a Family Event), because of course he doesn't, he never asks about me or my interests. By the end of brunch, I'm just kind of pissed off, and my head is aching. We're walking out and my brother hands my mom a card. She opens it up and it says something something something grandma and opens on a sonogram. And I'm just so done with everything. I mutter to myself 'are you fucking kidding me'. My mom is putting up a good effort in being nice to soon to be wife and while personally, this disgusts me and crushed my spirit, I was not focused on the baby talk. I did manage to pick up his fiance saying 'oh yeah well i'm not on speaking terms with my family at the moment, so i have to talk to SOMEONE'S family haha' (like wow, okay, tell us you don't consider us family until we're a back up plan a little louder). We were out in the sun, it was hot, and my head was pounding. After a few minutes I asked 'can we go now' and my brother got shitty with me, because the world revolves around him (god forbid he had sympathy for a migraine given his own fiancee, but he didn't even notice to care that I said less than 50 words) and snapped at me that 'You don't have to be here, no one invited you'. And I was just done. I walked away closer to the car and I didn't catch it but my mom glared daggers at him and said that she had invited me. Then my brother said the thing that was the last straw.
'That's some fucking family for you.'
I was engulfed in rage. He put us on the back burner, barely spoke to us, minimized visits for his girlfriend's comfort, and yet somehow, he decided I was shitty family? I did his homework for him when I was a child and he was in high school. I always was there for him when he got depressed or existential crisis now and then. I advocated for my parents to make up with him after the fight where my mom kicked him out. When he tried to finish his degree since he only had one semester left when he really fucked it up, he asked ME for help, because he would need the help in the last core class he needed- Calculus. I was STILL IN HIGHSCHOOL. And I agreed! (He never ended up going, but that's not the point). I was the one who reminded my parents of what desserts he liked for family gatherings. I was the one who would dogsit for him when he would just leave without telling anyone, because he knew if I heard the dog cry in its crate I would feel bad and release it, and that I wouldn't put it away in a crate if I was home because I felt bad. I was the one that tried to convince my parents to give his fiance a second chance. I made 300 fake facebook accounts years ago before verification was a thing to vote for his band to headline a medium large concert for a decently known band.
He used to steal my things to pawn them for drug money. He would threaten to say goodbye to my chao when I reminded him it was my turn to play. He would call me a dependent loser for not having 'x' life skill already when he didn't have it at my age either, and long after that! He used physical force against me several times. He would purposely taunt me with things I was afraid of. He repeatedly cut me off and didn't talk to me for a while over some petty thing he got angry about, but 2 years was the longest ever by at least a year. He would use me as a kid to ask our parents about something he wanted, and me being a kid, would go along with it because I loved him and wanted to make him happy. He decided to spend one summer with his girlfriend in California or whatever during highschool and I was crushed and asked him if we would be able to hang out any before the next school year started because he would go away for college and he laughed in my face. He always used me as the soundboard to vent about my parents (again, I am much younger than him)! He would constantly make fun of me that I had no friends and that I would be alone all my life, and that continued through adulthood, too. He would talk down to me about my chosen second family/people I met online long distance. He would make fun of things I liked all the time knowing that I found his opinion important.
I had done nothing but love him my entire life, and he barely acknowledged me in his.
So I fucking lost it. I started screaming back at him (in public, in a parking lot, loud-- all things that are important because I have severe anxiety and hate making a spectacle, this was how far things had gotten) about how he was an ungrateful piece of shit and he had personally told me he wasn't happy with her and that she would be a terrible mother and all I wanted was for him to be happy but I'm shitty family? He resorted to his standard argument when he has no argument- Puff out his chest and say 'lay a hand on me, lay a hand on me'. My parents were so shocked by the fact that I had an outburst like that, they couldn't react for a moment. Neither of them told me off, at any point. My dad started to redirect me towards the car to end the argument and my brother has one last clapback 'remember when you asked to move in with me? yeah, this is wh--' I cut him off by screaming about when he asked ME to stay with me in my apartment and threw me out of my own room, and his only comeback was 'it wasn't YOUR apartment, it was THEIR apartment' pointing to my parents, because like for him, they paid for my accommodations in college. I had enough. I told him to never fucking contact me again, because he is NOT my fucking family, he chose his family and he is dead to me. And I got in the car. Didn't listen to another word.
My parents stayed out there with my brother and his fiance for a while. I hadn't known anything that had gone on until later when talking to my mom.
Again, neither one of them scolded me a single bit when they got in the car. They just gave me this really apologetic look because they knew how sad and hurt I had to be to finally cut him out of my life for good. I was really wound up and stressed out and I sort of asked my mom to choose between us-- Poor wording on my part, but I needed to be supported. My brother always got away with treating me like shit without any consequences-- And me not being in his life wasn't a consequence either, because his life would not change without me in it. She kinda got cross with me by saying she would never abandon either of us and I took it as 'you're enabling this by keeping contact, and saying that it's okay for him to treat me like this' and I went to my room. I shut my door and started sobbing my eyes out. My mom had heard me through two door and down the hall and she came to hug me. And I asked her straight up like 'what's going to happen at the wedding? are you going to go if he doesn't invite me?' Because like I said, he never had consequences for treating me like garbage my entire life. I wanted there to be SOME form of consequence. She did reassure me that if he pulled that move, neither one of my parents would go. We had a long talk about how it really hurt my feelings the way she said she wouldn't abandon either of us because, you know, at the time, it really felt like she wasn't supporting me with that choice. But I had also worded my question really poorly, being so upset and all. I told her how I felt about him not ever having any repercussions so I needed my parents to at least back me up on that. They don't plan on contacting him much, but won't outright abandon him if he needs something. But if it comes down to it, like if the wedding invite doesn't come, they would support me over my brother. And she had made it clear to him that family is like a totem pole, and on that totem pole, I definitely was higher than him.
A few days later, I was telling her how it still really hurt. I don't regret what I did and I will never take it back, but it pained me to know how little I really meant to him. I think I was hoping that the shock of me finally giving up on him would ring some alarm bells in his head. We were talking about it and she ended up conversationally giving me more details about what had happened after I got in the car and the aftermath. Apparently after my outburst, the fiance started walking away crying that 'first she didn't have her family, and now she doesn't have his family either'.
Remember how she said she wasn't on speaking terms with her family? Her older brother and his wife have a child that their mom babysits sometimes. They're considering another child, via IVF. The fiance is mad that her baby won't be her mom's priority if they have another child and that her brother was hogging their mom to babysit.
Yeah. Gee, wonder why they won't talk to you anymore either.
And she told my mom about the moving in comment, that it was just because she didn't want their large dogs to shred my small dog, or anything worse, because she would feel horrible (I don't believe this for a second, it was another convenient excuse). My mom looked at her and asked if she was serious, because I never would have brought my dog over there. Again, because of how happy she is with her sister. The fiance actually looked shocked at this information, indicating that my brother was up to his old lying was again.
Speaking of my brother, apparently he told my parents that he would never come over here again as long as I live here. And honestly? That's fine with me. I don't want him in this house. I am agoraphobic and my home is like a sanctuary. My mom and I were talking about how ridiculous this all is and how entitled they are, and I mention that it occurred to me that they were suddenly invested in being a family now that she's pregnant and definitely getting married (and after she won't speak to her family) and I wouldn't be surprised if they only told us and played the 'family' card because they had expected me to be my normal gentle and loving self. That it seemed convenient, and I couldn't help but think they had only allowed us in on the news expecting a baby shower gift or wedding gift. Or for me to arrange the baby shower-- Fiance doesn't have a sister, isn't talking to her mom, and doesn't have that many female friends (shocker). My mom sighed and said it wouldn't surprise her either if they had expected me to be their baby sitter for the same reason, just like I took care of his dog because I couldn't refuse it with my soft heart. And honestly, I had thought that too, but I dismissed the thought because it seemed too much like they would consider me for that. But my mom had the same idea, so it couldn't be that far off.
She told me she had reached out to my brother one last time, after the initial fight, after she had comforted me from the violent sobbing and saw just how much it hurt. The gist was just 'you should really apologize to your sister, all she ever really wanted from you was for you to acknowledge her as part of your life. our family is small, and it hurts to see you two like this. All it takes is an invite to hang out now and again, that's all she wants. I hope you can figure this out. Enjoy the rest of your weekend, I love you'.
My brother's response was 'I am not handling this situation right now'.
And it really hit me. He wasn't willing to do the bare minimum of an apology and spending any time with me at all. I laughed bitterly and told my mom he probably thinks that by the time his birthday rolls around I'll feel bad and come back to him-- He'll have a nasty surprise coming.
I'm pretty sure I'm not the asshole here. But between my anxiety, my hurt, and just the long history of me forgiving my brother because I love him, I keep wondering if maybe I shouldn't have. I go back and forth between thinking that I was wrong and that I was just showing off my shiny new backbone.
So, AITA for cutting contact with my brother and his pregnant fiance?