Why would someone do the bme pain

a lot happened to me lately and its been 5-6months already and i feel like it geeting worse like i can't take it anymore , should i seek professionaly help? my family knows that i'm depressed coz one of my doctor said that i'm depressed but not the psychiatrist i mean its the other doctor and i'm aware that i'm depressed, when i try to ask one of my family member if the secretary is already reply to her for the appointment to a psychoatrist and she ask me if i haven't move on already? and i can't reply to her asap and i got annoyed like ofcourse i can't move on already its too painful for me to handle this. i got triggered coz someone said to me about my disability i cried after that and self harm , like why would they do that ??? i'm not in my right mind ok. i hate it coz my family member told the secretary of my other doctor about my situation i got really annoyed coz i don't want them to know my situation unless i'm the one to tell her about my current situation.
having a suicidal thoughts and self harming is my coping mechanism. i can't take it anymore. i have no motivitaion to live. i wanted a professionaly help😭 i wanna get an actual diagnosis about my whole situation my past trauma'si haunted me and its sucks! they said i should not go to the doctor but for me my mental health is getting worse each day. idk if they keep delaying the appointment or what.
i smash my phone so bad that i already repaired to the shop asap. my mood swings are not good. i told my friend that i need go to a psychiatrist asap i'm waiting to the appointment nxtonth coz its already full this month.

Back in the early 90s, when i started with my computer journey, it was always a mantra to never ever write down passwords and credentials, since they will be found by burglars or will be lost in case of fire etc. ... in short: you are dumb if you write down credentials
Honestly, i never was convinced by this theory at least for some points: Which burglar, intruding in my house, is primary interested in a sheet of paper? Also back in these days, alternatives where very limited. Usually the alternative was to just memorize them, which might be manageble if there were just a few passwords, but its impossible today.
So someday I started to write down any of my important(!) passwords/credentials in a book and stored it somewhere where its not very obvious (but not in a safe or so, since it always attracts thefts first).
Since the internet grew, the amount of credentials exploded and i decided to separate credentials into "important" and "not important"
In the "important" group:

• email access
  
• everything related to public authority/official stuff (for example access to ID/ passport, taxes etc.)
  
• anything that involves money (bank account, paypal etc.)
  

The "not important" group:

• anything else like access to communitys, boards, social media etc.

Any of the first group is written down in my book. Whenever i use some of the second group, i log in once and when i was logged out, i just reset the password, so it have everytime a new one.
Thats it why it is important to be very very secure on the email access.
Thats also why i think the email access is the most valuable credential that one might have, since any reset will be done using the configured email.
These days, i wanna clean up my messed up written down credentials and like to switch to a modern solution like bitwarden.
At the moment I am at the setup, but now i am at a point where i feel very very discomfortable to let a password manager (that has its data stored in the generally exposed internet) entrust my accesses. It feels like beeing very vulnerable and loose control over everything despite the fact, that i know how everything works and where the flaws are.
There are two big feelings about it.
One the one hand, bits and bytes are not tangible like a piece of paper. If the vault is deleted somehow, they are lost forever.
One the other hand, how do one know if (however it was possible) the data is not already known to someone else? A piece of paper physically is there ... or somebody stole it and its gone, but you see the result immediately and can take action ...
But also if I am honest: In the meantime its a pain in the ass to not have access to a bank accounts online platform when you are on the move, so i really would like to take profit from a modern solution ...
So my question to you:
Do you still work with paper & pen escpecially when it comes to critical accesses? Or how do you manage it? Do you actually throw in bank accounts access or even private notes like bank balances in your (online) vault? Do you stake everything on one card, or do you spread the risk over different solutions? What is your emergency strategy in case the vault was stolen?
Or do i worry too much about it?
Best regards

I woke up with some energy today! Well no, well yes but no. I didn’t get out of bed til a bit after 9 but I was technically replying to work messages on my phone sooo… it doesn’t help, I’m still bad. But it was SO cold and I was SO toasty all rolled up in my duvet, I’m just a mere human after all. But I feel like after I got up and got ready and stuff I had better energy levels so that’s made me feel super happy. And hopeful, tbh. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to feel drained 24/7 for the rest of my life, to the point where I was thinking well even if I wanted a child would I be any good considering how I feel so often? So I do worry about it a bit.
I slept in clothes last night, like leggings and a top I mean, because I woke up to an earthquake so as per always I immediately got up and put clothes on. I’ve never really been a naked sleeper but the last few months I have been, idk why? I go through phases of stuff like this though. Anyway so then my anxiety meant I couldn’t stop shaking all over my body and I was stressy even though it wasn’t big but because I was trembling all over I kept stressing further because they felt like more earthquakes. Anyway I eventually fell back asleep.
I’m genuinely starting to think I should just go back to the EA sort of career path. I went to HR because I figured there’s more opportunity for growth, would be more interesting/varied work etc etc. But based purely on salaries… EA’s can earn way more? At least in in certain situations, obviously not all. But for example for work I’m reviewing a role for a position and so having read through the cases details there’s a woman my age as an EA earning $120k and I read through the PD and I was doing all that for multiple directors in my London job and she’s doing it for one. And I was good at it and that’s ME saying I’m good at it. It just seems like for less work/knowledge you can earn more. And tbh at this rate I don’t enjoy HR, sometimes I did but lately I don’t. I don’t know if that’s a result of my general mood/self, a result of my environment or whatever it might be. I also admittedly wanted to move from away EA type work because I found it embarrassing to say when someone asked what I did, idk why because it’s a perfectly respectable job but there’s kind of a stereotype that goes with EA’s/PA’s I guess, probably more so when you’re a young woman but also idk, it just sounds so admin-y. But then what, my bright idea was to move to HR?! Where there’s an even bigger stereotype - like an ACTUAL one and people just seem to have some kind of prejudice against the entire department and idk. And you have to deal with emotional stuff like people losing their jobs, harassment/bullying claims, parents having stillborns and other bereavements in general. So you have all that, mixed with having to apply legislation and internal policies against every conversation and decision etc etc etc. And that’s just the advisory stuff, then there’s project work, transactional crap that I’ve been lumped with lately because the junior team members don’t seem to be doing anything and my manager has instead asked me to handle it as opposed to getting the juniors to get their shit together. I don’t really like saying the S word, it seems yuck coming off my tongue/brain. Anyway. So being an EA… idk. You organise someone’s professional life aka their inbox and calendar, you prep them for meetings etc, you plan dinners/lunches and workshops etc, you get invoices signed off, you book travel… that’s basically it. It can obviously vary but at the heart of it that’s what they do. Some more senior ones will do a bit more/be more involved but barely. And here they are earning like $30k more than me. I don’t intend to imply I could easily do their job, I realise they’re highly skilled and good at what they do - it’s not an entry level role, but I’ve DONE IT. And not only that but I helped run the office, I was also EA to the general counsel, I booked international events and planned them and I was trusted in being the Chairman’s go to when he was in London and he was a literal billionaire which doesn’t mean he’s any better or anything, but I mean I would think they have a certain expectation? Tbh they probably just took pity on me and wanted to make me feel helpful or something. Idk. Anyway. I think all of this is simply because I’m fed up with work and being used as a gap filler purely because I have a better understanding of certain systems/processes like I have a better understanding for a reason - because I blimmin well DO THEM. So if others would get off their high horse and pitch in they would too. Anyway I think I’d get bored of the lack of variety within EA type work and if I’m going to spend 40+ hours in a job I want to at least somewhat enjoy it/find it interesting. I used to want a job I felt passionate about, but I kind of just don’t think I’m someone who will have that and I’m kind of making my peace with that now. I am absolutely a work to live person, not the other way around. I just want to be somewhat interested in my work, be paid fairly/well enough and work with people I like/don’t dislike. I wish I was someone with a passion for something and the brain to match, like the doctors in House, but I don’t have that burning interest in anything really and I also don’t have the brain for super specialist kind of work or anything anyway. Anyway.
I think I’m also just PMSy, hence my probably unfair lashing out in the earlier paragraph. But I just wrote a message to my manager and had to stop myself crying? And someone just did something for me workwise and it made me upset? It probably also doesn’t help I’m listening to mopey old radiohead.
M and her friend left the living room in such a tip. Like fast food trash on the side tables and stuff. So not a tip but still kind of gross. I think I just find her gross sometimes, but less so her and more so the men she brings here. I’m sure they’re nice enough and stuff but they’re just so… yuck? I sound like such a raging bitch I know but whatever. And sleeping with two different guys in three days, I mean on the one hand whatever I don’t care at all and I definitely don’t think less of her, but it’s just gross to me? I know I’m very much a one man at a time kind of girl though and I never had a properly single phase, like I’ve been single for ages but I mean the actively dating/sleeping with guys and stuff, I never had that phase. I think it’s because I’m a frigid prude with zero self esteem, but zero self esteem in the sense I would rather be alone than risk my feelings being hurt. Anyway.
I kind of feel silly sometimes wearing makeup when wfh and not leaving the house but then I remember the panic and guilt I feel when I barely touch the thousands of dollars worth of makeup in my collection so… here we are. Wearing it all more often has made me feel way better. Also makes me learn what I do and don’t like in my collection, eg I currently prefer an eyeliner to a bit of eyeshadow along the lash line. I go through phases of that though. Anyway. Today I’m wearing a warmer base and it’s becoming really clear to me I’m not quite as cool of an undertone as I thought. I just find it hard to not see the surface redness, but like my neck/décolletage is a fair milky kind of pale, but in a neutral olive way not in a pinky way. Like yesterday I looked so stupid, I mean I blended it well so you couldn’t reeeeally tell but the undertone of my base was so wrong. Which is annoying because majority of fair base shades are cool/pink toned and I’ve spent an embarrassing amount on foundations with those undertones. Even when I buy neutral they seem to look too pink on me? Idk. Anyway I’m wearing one that actually matches me today undertone wise and it looks wayyy better. I should probably chuck my other ones but I mean, they’re practically unused Armani/NARS/Charlotte Tilbury/Estée Lauder etc and that pains me. Then again it would pain me more to wear the incorrect base… ugh.
I’m wearing my MM by the fireplace perfume today, it makes me feel so warm & cosy, like I’m a little candle or something.
I’m back in my psychedelic furs phase. I don’t love all their stuff, that I’ve listened to, but the obsession I had a few years ago with love my way was a whole new level of obsession. I still loveeeeee it.
I had a lazy fried rice for lunch today - brown rice with eggs & frozen veggies mixed in. It was yum enough. I feel too full now.
I’m so ugly, ugly ugly uglyyy. Or rather I feel ugly ugly ugly.
My adore order arrived today and so I got a lil tim tam and yummmmmm. I didn’t buy anything exciting though which I now regret but don’t regret. I just got moisturiser top ups as mine are running low - boooooooooring.
I’ve had a real new wave kind of afternoon music wise.
He makes me so happy :) He showed me the cutest video today of some puppies, okay so like a couple will put their hands on top of one another and then the dog will too! It’s so precious. I can’t wait to be puppy parents with him! I feel like me choosing to not have social media means I do miss out on lots of cute things like that which kinda sucks a lot but oh well - I just don’t think having ig or any of those things would be good for me and I also don’t want to share my life with anyone? Like if I want to share things about me then I’ll tell you, and there are like ten people in the world (or less) who I care to share with anyway - and that includes my family. I do want more friends though. But so anyway.
I felt pretty good earlier, now it’s 7:18pm and I don’t feel like that anymore.
I wish I wasn’t so ugly. I just had a big pathetic cry about it and now I’m late.
Shower time I guess, bye.

Dianne Young is a guest host. Elisa Donovan (Ginger) is also one.

• Doing 32 episodes a year for 4 years was challenging.
• She was working 12 hour days.
• Her assistant Kelly McDonald had a young child. She had to pick up the child after work. Sometimes she didn’t make it to her child in time.
• Jessica Klein also helped out, early in the season.
• Young felt the effects of Rosin’s departure after season 5, even if he wasn’t involved in casting.
• Rosin had always given her his attention.
• Jenny Garth’s boyfriend Peter Facinelli auditioned for Colin Robbins.
• It had already been tough last year, when they cast Tiffani Amber Thiessen, and she had been Brian Austin Green’s girlfriend. That blew up in their face.
• They thought it would have been awkward if Garth had broken up with her boyfriend, especially since the character of Colin was there for the whole year.
• They did also like Jason Wiles, who they did cast as Colin.
• Season 6 opens with the Mile High Club. There were no intimacy coordinators then. Now, everything is negotiated, such as left or right, how much tongue, etc.
• Bob Harbin and Wendy Matthews from FOX were also involved in casting.
• The testiest conversation Young ever had with Harbin was over the casting of Colin. Young recommended Wiles. Harbin said “Are you telling me or are you asking me?”
• Elisa Donovan (Ginger) was much easier to cast.

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Elisa Donovan Interview:
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• Donovan says casting directors are the gatekeepers. If they don’t like you, it’s over.
• Donvan says Young smiled and looked her in the eye.
• Donovan had read for Valerie Malone. She was a finalist.
• Donovan had been in Clueless.
• Donovan went into network testing for Valerie in Aaron Spelling’s office.
• Mollin says Heidi Lenhart from California Dreams also auditioned for Valerie.
• Young and Mollin didn’t know whether they were going to cast Thiessen. It hadn’t been predetermined.
• Mollin had thought it was cool that Green and Tiffani Amber Thiessen were a couple.
• FOX gives an opinion, Darren Starr gives an opinion, etc.
• Donovan says her audition for Ginger was very different than the one for Valerie. The setting was different. Donovan felt like she had the part, when she auditioned for Ginger.
• Mollin says it’s not a good idea during auditions to ask to change the script. Some people do that.
• Mollin says it’s a trick that when you have a bad girl (Valerie), you want to create someone worse than her (Ginger).
• Donovan says they shot at the Hollywood Bowl.
• Donovan says Ginger was very unapologetic.

​

• Keri Russell tried out Toni Marchette. Aaron Spelling said “no daughter of a rich man would have hair like that”.
• In reality, Spelling was saving Russell for Malibu Shores.
• Rebecca Gayheart did not audition. They knew her from a Noxema commercial.
• They wanted to send Luke Perry out in the best possible way.
• They wanted to please Perry.
• Gayheart did not have much acting experience.
• Young says Gayheart did read for it. In New York. And she came back with Young to Los Angeles.
• FOX also liked Gayheart.
• Russell did not have to audition, because everyone knew about her at that point. She was the hot girl at that time, because her agent had been promoting her.
• Young: Stanley Kamel (Tony Marchette) was perfect.
• Larry Mollin: Aaron Spelling said Kamel’s eyes looked too far apart. It gave him an evil look.
• Cliff Weissman (Bruno) was another good actor.
• Emma Caulfield (Susan) has multiple sclerosis now.
• Young had brought in Caulfield in for various roles, over the years.
• Young kept bringing her back, because she believed in her. Caulfield was not a cookie cutter actor.
• Young would say, at the end of the process, I would bring you back, but please let me know if you don’t want to come in anymore. Because that’s your choice.
• Young brought Ben Affleck and Matt Damon in several times. Afflek stopped after a few times, but Damon would keep coming back. Damon came at least 6 times.
• Damon said to keep bringing him back.
• Mollin does not remember Affleck, nor Damon.
• Mollin thinks Affleck probably didn’t get cast because he was too tall. The male cast did not like taller guest stars.
• Cameron Bancroft (Joe Bradley) was a friend of Jason Priestley’s.
• Shane Conrad also read for Joe.
• Paul Waigner watched the OJ Simpson trial every day during lunch.
• Young and Waigner had worked together before at Warner Brothers.
• If Young trusted a particular agent, she would ask if the actors were easy to work with.
• Waigner once called Young to tell him that an actress wasn’t coming in to work today. Young heard the reason why. She told him that was the craziest reason to not come in, that she had ever heard.
• Shane Conrad was likable. He tried out several times.
• Tori Spelling as involved in the casting for Joe.
• Both Conrad and Bancroft read with Tori Spelling. They went through makeup, etc.
• Young won’t say which actor, but something about either Conrad or Bancroft bothered Tori Spelling during the audition. Young then encouraged Tori Spelling to make a few changes in her reading. Tori Spelling did, and it worked.
• Mollin says sometimes there’s a kissing problem.
• Young hints that it might have been a hugging or body odor problem.
• Bancroft felt like he was breaking up with Tori Spelling herself, at the end of his story arc.
• Young was there for the Julie McCullough debacle on Growing Pains. Young was disappointed because she loved McCullough.
• Kirk Cameron did not like that McCullough was in Playboy.
• The incident on Growing Pains also devastated McCullough.

​

• Young had really liked Travis Wester (Austin Sanders).
• Young thought Paige Moss (Tara) was so interesting. As soon as she saw her headshot, she wanted to see Moss.
• Barry Bonds was Tony Shepherd’s friend.
• Dianne Young was involved with getting Steve Young. He was one of the nicest people.
• The NFL came to FOX the year before.
• Steve Young’s agent was Leigh Steinberg. He also appeared on the show. Donna Martin threw herself in front of his car, so she could talk to Steve Young.
• Carl T Evans (Jonathan Casten) was a great foil for Brandon. Jason Priestley might have actually disliked him too.
• Young had read Evans multiple times.
• Nick Kiriazis (Prince Carl) was good looking and nice. The cast loved him. They wanted him to be a series regular.
• Mollin might have brought him back in season 8. He was going to send Clare to Europe and have her get back together with him. But then Kathleen Robertson left the show.
• Michael Dietz (Dr. Greg) said his dream was to be on the show.
• Sometimes, superfans of the show would get very nervous when reading for the show.
• Gordon Curie was brought back. He had played Cousin Bobby. He then played Danny V. The character was supposed to be Danny V (Vee). But because of some confusion, it ended up being “Danny 5”. Danny V(ee) was named after a friend of Larry Mollin’s who had overdosed.
• Young had seen Gordon Curie somewhere before. He was a joy, professional, friendly.
• The Spelling company chose Jason Wiles over Peter Facinelli.
• Young does not recall any repercussions from Jennie Garth for not casting Facinelli.
• Young says Wiles and Facinelli were different actors. She thought Wiles added something else to it, which gave it more depth.
• Mollin says Wiles was more believable as an artist.
• Mollin did not know about the cocaine storyline when Wiles was cast.
• Julie Parish (Joan) was a friend of Larry Mollin’s.
• Dianne Young loved her.
• When Mollin left the show, this show did not help his career. This was not considered a good credit. It was a bad credit.
• Young doesn’t talk to her neighbors now about how she worked on the show. She wants to be low key, and doesn’t want to brag.
• Young got Letterman jackets in season 2, for unintentionally mentioning she worked on the show. People wanted her to take pictures of them with the Letterman jacket on.

It all started when he threatened to hit me in January 2022. The car of my mother, who is financially unstable and has fallen into the habit of asking for money to family and friends, broke and she asked me to give her the money. I said to her I would give her a portion of it, so she went to my grandmother and then, my brother's wife at the time, agreed to give her the remaining third.
I was frustrated about it and since then I've established quite strict limits toward her. But I do not like to dwell on it and hence the topic was closed. The same applies to my grandmother. Then, that day, a beautiful day when my grandmother and I were going through her childhood photo albums, he arrived with his daughter who is 3 years old, and started complaining about our mother. At some point, done with his complaints and seeing him exposing his child to such a conversation, I asked 'Why are you so affected, from what I know you've never given her money? Or have you?'. I asked in case I was wrong. And in fact, he never has. He then stood up, came to me and said 'Because you are here for a couple of days, otherwise I would hit you in the face'.
My grandmother defended him and asked me to shut up. He never apologised. Since then it is as if something clicked in my mind and body and I just can't get myself to be in the same room as him. When someone opens the house doors and I feel it is him, my heart starts to race and my body starts to sweat.
I used to call him brother and little brother, even though he is nine years older than me, but now I can hardly call him by his name. And as this is quite violent, I don't call him directly. He stopped saying hi to me after that, and has never been a brother who reached out to ask if I was okay, which is rather painful especially because I've lived in another country - that is just 2 hours and a half away by plane - for ten years and he never wrote to ask if I was okay let alone came to visit once.
He has also been quite terrible toward our mother, who is definitely not best in class, yet that is just the way she is. He is a forty-year old man, it feels like it's a bit too late for him not to transcend his pain and create more pain and separation in the family for everybody.
I'm going to be in the same city as my family's for a few months and I will see him whether I like it or not, because I want to see my niece.
I just don't know how to handle this situation. I don't want him in my life, I don't want that treatment and feeling those emotions, but I also need a way to address him somehow so that my behaviour doesn't make things worse.

im 18 she is 20 we only talked for about 4 months, not really long tbh but she was literally my first everything, from my first kiss to losing my virginity I even helped her move in her first home together, she did have a 1 year old baby already so the situation lowkey wasn’t for me but I also didn’t want to judge and let her having a kid stop me from talking to her, which it didn’t we ended up being together for a while. Anyways she ended up breaking up with me, at first she was saying I was too young and she carried me way too fast she already has a kid and it’s just a lot which is totally understandable, she also said that she thinks I’m a good person and that she isn’t mad at me and for me to find someone my age and move on. It was very difficult for me to process that even today, she also said I should have told her I was a virgin because she knows it can be difficult to move on from something like that, she says it wasn’t fair to both of us but really not fair to me, honestly she is right but in the moment I thought I was ready and me telling her I was a virgin probably would have blew my chance tbh, but things almost seem worse now I feel so attached it’s insane,
It’s been 3 months since we broke up and I’m hurting so much without her, I miss her so much I feel so lonely ts isn’t right man, I don’t want to get over her and lose the attachment that’s how bad it is, she was everything to me, I’ve tried being with sb else and it does help until they aren’t there anymore, when it’s all said n done and Im alone I find my self missing her deeply and feeling so lonely it hurts man
We also went through a miscarriage together, the same time I lost my virginity, she wasn’t even gonna tell me about it until her mom said that she should, we went through a lot during that situation and looking back I was so immature and not ready, she was right. Even after all that we got back tg, it’s really a lot man, it’s a lot to process for me even months after
Overtime it just didn’t work out and it really kills me , we ended on such bad terms, she was saying things like “I feel bad for taking your virginity cause someone else should’ve taken it that actually wants to be with you” shit like “I’ve been still fucking my ex” she also said I didn’t fuck her good enough and I wasn’t good for anything else.. honestly she prolly was jus telling the truth and was fed up
I still remember a caring and loving side of this person, I forgive her despite all the things she said. Getting back tg isn’t realistic and even then things might not ever be the same how they were, it really hurts man it KILLS me inside 💔💔💔
I can say Before she said those hurtful things she asked me to send her money or she would block me, I told her to get a job.. maybe that’s why she said those things but like I said tbh it sounded like she was jus saying the truth
As much as I don’t want to and I hate to admit it, eventually I’m going to have to get over her and lose my attachment, I feel so connected to her especially since I lost my virginity to her it jus makes the feelings stronger, it’s been incredibly painful since she’s left.
I understand she’s been in other serious relationships and she’s already felt those feelings before, it still hurts so much man it really felt like we had something special fr,
I acknowledge her responsibilities and feelings especially as a mother , it can be a lot of stress and I respect her decision and boundaries, I wish her the best
I come to Reddit because idk what else to do I’ve been crying so much and going though my emotions even tho but it’s been so long it feels like yesterday, I don’t see myself without her and when I do I start to panic ts is a different typa pain, my heart is breaking
I been tryna work on myself and workout but still find myself grieving What should I do ? I really am lost💔

Hi everyone,
I'm going through a really tough time and could use some support and advice. Here’s my story:
I was in a relationship with my ex-girlfriend for over 3.5 years. We were very close, and I thought she was the one. We shared many intimate moments and experiences together, and I was deeply in love with her.
In November last year, we broke up just after my birthday. I wanted to fix things because the reason for the break up was so stupid that it doesn't even make any sense. Reason: She said that we had too many fights from Jan 2023 and they affected her but when I asked her if she remembers a single fight that we haven't discussed and fixed or any fight for which she remembers why we were fighting, she couldn't answer me. I saw happiness in her eyes and she told me how much in love she was with me the ENTIRE YEAR. till the literal last day. Everyday. Within just two days after we broke up, she started dating someone else and quickly moved on to making out and almost sleeping with other guys. This was incredibly painful for me, especially since she used to beg me to stay whenever things got rough between us. When I tried to get back together with her, she shut me down and said it wouldn't work out, while also talking about her new relationships. It felt like a betrayal, and I was heartbroken.
I went into no contact for the past couple of months, but I still think about her every day. Recently, I saw some of her posts from when we were together, which brought back a flood of memories and tears. It hurt even more when I saw that she referred to me as her "brother" in one of her posts, despite our intimate relationship. This felt like a mockery of what we had.
I've been trying to move on, but everywhere I go, I’m reminded of her. The places we used to visit, the things we used to do together – it all feels overwhelming. I have been fighting the urge to call her for all these months but I'd end up calling her ever month at least once. Even though she is blocked on my phone, I called her the last few months, which just delayed and damaged my healing. I'm planning on never calling again, because I am the only one who called all these months.
I know I deserve someone who respects and values me, but I’m struggling to let go of the past. The pain is still a little raw, and I find myself missing her despite everything. I want to cry but often can't, and I feel stuck in this emotional turmoil.
How can I trust anyone? Has anyone else been through something similar? How did you cope and move on? Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for reading

This Is my first ever reddit post, and maybe my only one. I 25/M and my Girlfriend 24/F have been together for 6 years and living together for about 3 or 4. At thr beginning it was tough hut we managed to keep it pretty ok. At the end of 2019 she decided to go to college and get a Degree, and I supported her as best as I could. She even got a part time job and helped out with the finances, I handling most of them. After a year or two there's been a steady decline in my metal health due to my previous job being overly toxic and physically challenging, I wasn't sleeping right, we were told we were the best team and then not a day later that our boss wanted to fire us all and just replace us, this was a constant occurance. My mental health decline and I started stress therapy and such, with my girlfriends help. That started around 2020, and we were happy. Soon not long after she got the part time job, my girlfriend quit it due to the toxic environment there, it was pretty much a waitressing job and they paid her minimum tip wage. I was ok with it, as she was having anxiety attacks and such about it. I would do my best from here to support her, and she decided she would focus on school more and I again was ok with it, I was making enough money and finances were not a big issue in the house, and when she got her refunds from school she would help out here and there. Afterwards, I started noticing that we were both slacking in chores at home and we needed to keep the place clean so our Landlord, who has been a very kind woman, but a little strict on cleanliness, would not evict us, even though she hasn't done an inspection herself since the very beginning. I talk to my girlfriend and we tried to work out how to get stuff done, and let me preface this that by no means did I want her to do all the work, but she was home more and I asked if she could atleaat handle the dishes and I handle pickup up any trash around the house. And this worked for about a month. I still ended up doing the dishes here and there, but I then began to do them more frequently. To avoid doing dishes though, she would want to purchase plastic ware, which is fine and ever now and then we did but dishes still would begin to pile up. We'll because of my decline mental health I began to slack, and it came to a head last year in 2023, when I had such a bad panic attack, that I thought I was having a heart attack, I had chest pains for 4 hours and had to go to the hospital. I was fine and only spent 3 hours there. I had thoughts of suicide and many other mental problems and I couldn't take the job anymore. I was searching and searching and thanks to a friend I got a much better job with pay and better benefits. I even started seeing a psychiatrist and started back on ADHD medication, and all this time I had the support of my girlfriend but at home... nothing would get done. When I got home, she would usually be on the couch, on TikTok or Facebook. I started having to do more and more stuff at home while also working, and if I asked her "Hey can you handle these few things for the house while I'm at work since your home with no classes today?" I would come home to her still being on the couch, and if I sighed and let it be and I started doing the chore I had asked her to do, she would get upset with me. She kept telling me that she doesn't know why she doesn't do anything, how she has bad anxiety, and it is bad, how she's depressed and she can't afford to go to her therapist, and I've offered to pay for her stuff when I can but she doesn't make an appointment. I try my best to endure and let her rest, I tried talking to her, and yes we have had fights aswell, because I feel at this point and time that I'm the only one doing anything to take care of the house, and when I talk to her about it she apologizes constantly and says she will do better, and then I end up feeling like a huge asshole if we had fought, and it wouldn't do anything, she would be back on her phone the next day, and sometimes when I got home she would be just starting the chore... and then give up 30 mins in having to always take a break and never finish. Don't get me wrong, there were times when she did complete the chore, or she did a good bit and I would take over to be fair to her. It's not that I want her to do everything, I have my problems, I leave stuff out to, and wait last minute to clean up my trash, but I atleast clean it up. She will eat and then leave a dish where it was until I got home the next day and picked it up to put into the dishes myself. When I come home she's always just there on the couch, and she would procratsinate doing her homework too. An example would be she would wait until the night it's due, panic around 8pm, it being due either tomorrow morning or at 11:59 that night. I would calm her, but in my stupidity after multiple times, I have chastised her about constantly doing this to herself. Well she graduated Cum Laude recently, so she did good enough and kept her grades up. And now we come to recently. Starting in the beginning of May 2024, I woke up one morning to feel, indifferent. I didnt feel anything. And I knew it was a depression episode. That same week she graduated and I bought a second vehicle, which we are having seperate issues with the previous owner about, kinda as a gift but also because she had been telling me she feels trapped due to her not having a vehicle and having to rely on people for rides, mainly her dad, a completely different problem, not a bad guy, but not the best guy either. I didn't want her to feel trapped. We bought the vehicle and right now we can't really drive it due to needing to get the title so we can get the tag. And whenever I get a call from the previous owner or find out a single thing about the jeep she starts panicking, freaking out and I would calm her but... I also wouldn't sometimes because most of the time the problem is very trivial, like we found out there was a lien, but the lien was from when the previous owner had bought the jeep from a friend, so it was a personal lean and she had proof she had paid it off and just never had the title fixed. But during this time, my depression got worse, and worse, and worse. When I would come home, I couldn't feel anything. There was one day on my way home that as I was driving in silence, my eyes began to slowly close, like I was a little sleepy but I wasn't trying to sleep, I guess my best explanation would be Road Hynosis, which is where the constant driving of a road and the focusing on it can cause delirium, unattentiveness, and almost block out your senses, it's a strange phenomenon that I only experienced this one time. I pulled onto my road way too fast and thankfully was okay, it shook me out of it. But I got home and I felt nothing still. I felt a pit in me just there. I don't believe it was my meds, though they can cause depression, but this feeling started before I had taken my meds on the first day. Well my gf graduated Saturday, we had a party and I faked a lot of smiling because I wanted her to be happy, and her dad ended up ruining that day, that's another story. After that day she was very adamant on wanting to get the jeep ready and I did my best to do so. I got insurance and out her on mine. But we still are waiting for the title. We now come to recent events. After the first week of the Depression episode, I did feel better and by the end of the work day on a Friday I was pumped up. I was happy, and probably a little crazy but it was great to feel something again, and my job was what made me feel better. I went home and the weekend went by, my mom had come by tl help us clean the house. We did pretty ok. But after that weekend the depression returned and hit worse. I started not eating as much, and I started feeling like nothing mattered anymore, and as I write this the, the suicidal thoughts started back again a day ago, and I told my girlfriend about it the first time. But the house has come undone again, and I am still trying to keep it maintained, but all I want to do is climb in bed and sometimes hope I don't wake up, I think it's thr house, I am usually fine at work. Well my girlfriend still hasn't changed since ahe graduated and she is looking for a job but... only in her area of her degree, which is fine, I want her to succeed but... I asked her to try to get another job in the meantime while she waits for those others to respond. She was upset with me, believing she it would be a waste of her degree, and I told her it wouldn't be if it's temporary to just help is get by, because my job has a wierd pay schedule and it would help us better than care of the house, maybe higher an Exterminator to fumigate the house. She did relent a little and did broaden her search and that made me feel a little more at ease. And I did ask her to try to take care of the house a little since she would be home, and still nothing gets done. My question I guess to boil this down is, is this relationship worth saving, or tryung to salvage, I asked some people and most opinions have been that my girlfriend needs to grow up, but that's not the right mentality for someone with her anxiety problems. I just don't know what I can do anymore, I feel trapped, I'm writing this at 3am in the morning because I feel terrible and don't know where to start. I have tried talking to her, begging her, to please be better and she doesn't change. I can't handle everything at home anymore, especially now that I'm back in the heat of summer in a warehouse. My trucks water pump just went out, so I used the jeep for two days and now I need a ride because one of the brakes decided to lock up. I'm falling apart and I'm wondering if maybe, I need to do better. I don't want to say my girlfriend is a bad person, she's not, but she acts like a child sometimes, and is always on the verge of being upset at a pin drop over trivial matters. She's supposed to be taking meds too for all of her problems and she refuses to remember to take them. I just don't know if this relationship can go any longer or if my depression episode is clouding my judgement. And with my adhd, it feels better to actually talk through my problem with someone, but I want this to be somewhat anonymous so I came here to reddit. I'm doing my best to get to my next psychiatrist appointment and discuss this with her too. If I'm in the wrong here I want to better myself, I want to make an effort to be a better person, I just don't feel like I have the strength anymore to go on though.
Edit: If this is at all biased, since I am only writing my perspective, I will do my best to answer any questions on her unbiased.

im 18 she is 20 we only talked for about 4 months, not really long tbh but she was literally my first everything, from my first kiss to losing my virginity I even helped her move in her first home together, she did have a 1 year old baby already so the situation lowkey wasn’t for me but I also didn’t want to judge and let her having a kid stop me from talking to her, which it didn’t we ended up being together for a while. Anyways she ended up breaking up with me, at first she was saying I was too young and she carried me way too fast she already has a kid and it’s just a lot which is totally understandable, she also said that she thinks I’m a good person and that she isn’t mad at me and for me to find someone my age and move on. It was very difficult for me to process that even today, she also said I should have told her I was a virgin because she knows it can be difficult to move on from something like that, she says it wasn’t fair to both of us but really not fair to me, honestly she is right but in the moment I thought I was ready and me telling her I was a virgin probably would have blew my chance tbh, but things almost seem worse now I feel so attached it’s insane,
It’s been 3 months since we broke up and I’m hurting so much without her, I miss her so much I feel so lonely ts isn’t right man, I don’t want to get over her and lose the attachment that’s how bad it is, she was everything to me, I’ve tried being with sb else and it does help until they aren’t there anymore, when it’s all said n done and Im alone I find my self missing her deeply and feeling so lonely it hurts man
We also went through a miscarriage together, the same time I lost my virginity, she wasn’t even gonna tell me about it until her mom said that she should, we went through a lot during that situation and looking back I was so immature and not ready, she was right. Even after all that we got back tg, it’s really a lot man, it’s a lot to process for me even months after
Overtime it just didn’t work out and it really kills me , we ended on such bad terms, she was saying things like “I feel bad for taking your virginity cause someone else should’ve taken it that actually wants to be with you” shit like “I’ve been still fucking my ex” she also said I didn’t fuck her good enough and I wasn’t good for anything else.. honestly she prolly was jus telling the truth and was fed up
I still remember a caring and loving side of this person, I forgive her despite all the things she said. Getting back tg isn’t realistic and even then things might not ever be the same how they were, it really hurts man it KILLS me inside 💔💔💔
I can say Before she said those hurtful things she asked me to send her money or she would block me, I told her to get a job.. maybe that’s why she said those things but like I said tbh it sounded like she was jus saying the truth
As much as I don’t want to and I hate to admit it, eventually I’m going to have to get over her and lose my attachment, I feel so connected to her especially since I lost my virginity to her it jus makes the feelings stronger, it’s been incredibly painful since she’s left.
I understand she’s been in other serious relationships and she’s already felt those feelings before, it still hurts so much man it really felt like we had something special fr,
I acknowledge her responsibilities and feelings especially as a mother , it can be a lot of stress and I respect her decision and boundaries, I wish her the best
I come to Reddit because idk what else to do I’ve been crying so much and going though my emotions even tho but it’s been so long it feels like yesterday, I don’t see myself without her and when I do I start to panic ts is a different typa pain, my heart is breaking
I been tryna work on myself and workout but still find myself grieving What should I do ? I really am lost💔

Before I start, I understand I am fully liable and the fault is on me.
I was driving (2021/Audi/Q8) on the expressway today with my partner in the passenger seat. There was medium traffic and I maintained a speed of 29 in the left lane. I was maintaining a distance of about 2 cars but due to my partner pointing something out in the distance to my left, I was an idiot and turned my head to look and before I knew it, my partner was telling me to brake to which I could not brake properly in time while trying to avoid slamming on the brakes. I likely slowed down to a speed of 15 at minimum before I collided with the car in front (2016/Ford/Transit Connect). I put on my hazards, we both take a look at the damage, and pull over the shoulder to exchange information.
Once in the shoulder, the guy gets out the car and already is on the phone with the cops. With my insurance already in hand, I call and do the same. Once we both report and begin waiting for the cops, we chat but very minimally. We exchange insurances and registrations, but not my license as I didn’t have my wallet on me. Unfortunately because of me, I caused a big concave dent in his trunk door. To my vehicle was minor dents and a scratch with the most “severe” being a piece of the front being slightly detached and chipped, albeit noticeable. I ask how is he feeling and he tells me he feels it in his back a little, will likely feel it more later that night (he’s an older guy, in his 60s presumed). The cops come up and advise that we move up a little further closer to an exit for our safety. We do so, and the officer comes up to my window to get my response for his report (the other driver wanted a police report) so I explain that I was in the left lane, maintained a speed of 29, and had to brake suddenly but couldn’t brake in time. I didn’t tell him I was distracted due to my partner’s pointing as my partner was already freaking out and I didn’t want to stress them out further. After the other driver gave his statement and he received his copy of the report number, he drove off. The cop comes back over to my window and gives me my copy, and I take this opportunity to ask him if the other driver mentioned anything about pain, and the cop tells me he did say he had some back discomfort but tells me people usually exaggerate a little. I go on about my day.
Here’s the part about why I’m here:
The vehicle and my insurance are under my dad, who is under a small auto insurance company. I have yet to file a claim because their operating hours are from 9-6pm, so I’m unsure of how much they can help speak to the other driver’s insurance company for me.
This leads me to my main worry: during my small talk with the other driver, he mentioned he was rear ended before and it was difficult to proceed with an insurance claim without a police report, which was news to me as we were both from New York and I had learned in my first (and only.. until today) accident that NYC cops do not come out for minor accidents anymore and thus no police report. I’m a nosy person, so I look up the other driver’s name since I was advised by relatives to pray he’s not a ill-intent guy who would exaggerate his claim or sue me. Lo-and-behold, I find that he has sued someone for the rear end accident at an intersection he was in back in 2018 claiming permanent lasting injuries.
Honestly, what are the chances of me getting sued as well? How would it even go with a small insurance company? How much would premium usually statistically increase by? Or any advice at all about the situation… Thank you for reading.

Sometimes you wanna be done with it all. I said no way. Not this time. I won't have it...
Just asking Gd for more clarity. And I'm getting it you know. One of the hardest things to have to face is all those people who spit in my face repeatedly... Who cursed me to no end in sight. Who thought the worst of me. Walking around not knowing anything or the reasons. I've dealt with people who have been nothing but disappointed in me since that time 28 years ago. The cringe on their faces. The lack of respect.
Asking a friend... Who is this person in this picture only to be met with the look of a cringeful disgust... Not to mention labeled as insane by that time. But it carried through. Those feelings of worthlessness. The looks of disappointment. Everywhere I turned I felt it never leave. Walking as a blind person but never really understanding why people hated me so much.
It's an awful feeling to walk up to someone with nothing but kind words and be spit at for things you were never aware of.
In my car I saw you behind me and I've asked people what do you think he was trying to say? No one could figure it out. And I'm really tired of assumptions when it comes to you. I was thinking perhaps he read the letters i wrote and it's done. That's it.
What I have learned from living with the malignant narcs is once they infect your surroundings it's impossible to decontaminate the stench. It lingers. It's meant to be embedded deep inside whomever succumbs. In my situation the only people who never have is my childhood friends and my family.
So it makes you wonder why? Was it that they live to far into ego to not really see? Although you are unaware... were they more so?
All those scenarios have applied to different areas of my life. I recently thought, you know I just need to get rejected and get it over and done with. Spit in my face one last time M. Oh, and here's a painting of some of my memories that came back. Everyone from that professional go around despised me so deeply. Would anything I said at this point even matter anymore? I would never be accepted. Not even as a friend. The stench is too deeply embedded. I caused you too much pain. You suffered so so much. How dare I. Even if I explained they would think i was lying... Mostly bc it's harder to admit you were an asshole to an underserving person for no reason. Let's just believe the lie instead. Maybe that's how it goes after so much time.
And I've been wondering why I've had really interesting things fall on my lap. How everything is lining up. Almost like Gd is saying I won't have you humiliate yourself anymore. I've given you tools that will help with what you're trying to achieve. I think as my memories have been coming back more and more clearly about the choices I made it really is hard. I've also built up my self worth and esteem as well. It brings me a lot of discomfort to be further subjected to being humiliated. I just realized though, if in fact M knows now, if he got my messages why would he want me to continually embarrass myself? Why not say I heard what really happened.
You see me and M knew each other afterwards... but I didn't "know" him anymore the way he knew me. I didn't know him bc I was tortured/hypnotized... the people who knew M... well they knew more about me than I did. They knew what happened .. they decided to spit at me, cursed me most likely and make me feel like the scum of the Earth. This i know bc I know the look of disgust. I had seen it's face on so many previously who were aware of what I was never told.
So I thought, Why would I put myself through that.... when I chose your life over my own. When It came down to the fact that you were going to be killed if I retained any knowledge of you and what really happened to me.
However, the thing I never chose was for people who you knew to come at me... So much so I wanted to take my own life at one point bc nothing made sense to me anymore. The constant degrading and rejection. The constant disgust.
I didn't realize to think that perhaps these letters have made you feel guilty over your own actions against me bc you were unaware of the truth. It must be a hard pill to swallow when you thought I chose him. It must have been hard for you to know how badly I was tortured/hypnotized and raped by him repeatedly. And now it must be even harder to know that I chose to save you. It's a lot to take in.
Especially, bc I saw firsrhand having been around everyone and having experienced how aggressive everyone became you told people. And they acted accordingly. They acted with spite .. and the acted unknowingly... And I forgive them all. Your friends, relatives, bro, mother, father, whomever you ever told... Whomever you told the story to... The part you were only aware of. I forgive them for their behaviors towards me. They acted unknowingly. It's not their fault.
So it's like why is it so hard for me to see you? I'm not afraid of JE.
After all those memories surfaced I thought about everything. The thing is what am I really afraid of? I'm just afraid of being spit at, humiliated, embarrassed for existing, hated, despised... I'm afraid of feeling the same way I was made to feel when I was ever near you. And especially bc it wasn't just them. It was you as well.
I never knew that when I chose you over myself, it would turn into what it did. Me being completely unaware, still loving you without the knowledge or history of everything that happened... Repeatedly getting traumatized for not remembering what happened.
One thing though that I learned is that when a malignant person (JE) starts to spread rumors and lies about you they permeate deeply. So much so it doesn't matter what you say or do. You'll always be despised and hated. There's no way around it. And that's what I accept. I accept that you never respected me or would ever want anything to do with me-- as you stated in your email... it was so confusing to me. I accept that JE really did what he set out to do in destroying our relationship... So we could never tell our story. So that you would always hate me thinking I betrayed you. That I never loved you.
It was the furthest thing from what I ever felt about you. And that's the part that I wanted you to know. That I never wanted you to carry any of this hate unknowingly. I forgive you for not knowing the extent of what really happened and having to deal with so many confusing issues or thoughts that would arise. I'm sorry you also had to endure what he did to you. We both got it pretty badly.
So that's what I think you were trying to say. You understand. And you have moved on. If you wanted more you would have reached out. Unlike you though his stench never penetrated through to my soul. And that's love. That's how I know you in fact didn't love me the way I loved you. Bc you would have never done what you did. He never could reach and destroy that part I held onto. The part he really wanted to crush. Throughout this journey I said I would never go to that dark place and think any less of you. I understood how everyone was manipulated by him. I understood how his stench infected so many people who unknowingly fell into his traps. And I'm so proud of myself that despite getting spit at so much and looked down I just accepted it as life. Where some people are just not going to like you.
There is no reason to make amends or paint you a picture or apologize. We both didn't do anything wrong. We don't need to apologize for having been victims of his like so many in our circles whom were affected bc of it.
And I think that was what the message was when you were behind me. It was always hard to figure you out. You kept your promise though. So thank you. You did your part when you didn't have to. And another reason I didn't give you these last few usernames and if you found my letters is bc if you wanted to at this point you would look. I'm sorry that you had to learn about how severe it was and the choice I had to make in the end could possibly make you feel bad about the 2nd go around. I'm sorry I mumbled "go f yourself" when I was being threatened at work when i intuitively felt it had something to do with you.
Anyway, I have these pretty cool things I've been learning recently. And it goes that we're never really helpless in changing things. Even when the stench of negativity has permeated through... We have ways of clearing all that. We're not helpless and we can still have really good lives. That's my plan... Gd Willing...
Go enjoy your life... I got beat over the head for it... So make the most of it will ya... (Sorry, but this is got to be the saddest one sided love story)...
No regrets.
Take care.

First/Previous
Carrion fowls perched along the far walls’ parapets and cawed vaguely with their red wetted beaks in whatever direction; other scavengers supped at the puddles or pecked along the softened flesh of the dead. The birds, variable vultures, hopped across the rubble and curiously side-eyed corpses and pierced the bruise-blackened bloated skins and stripped away long muscle threads and tossed them to catch, to choke back on what they’d done.
The birds which stared, looked dumbly from their perches, and watched Boss Maron (what was he a boss of anymore?) stumble around where he was. His shirt was tattered and bloodied-marks or claws shown across his forearms and his belly. He moved like a drunkard with his feet wide apart. In some commotion, he’d lost a boot and swiveled as carefully as he could when putting his bare right foot forward. My brother seemed to spawn from the mess, to arise only from his slumber at the sign of my approach and I wondered about destiny or fate and as I saw him there, as terrible as he was, he was no match if not for the pistol which hung from the holster on his hip.
In getting closer, I saw the band from his hat had burst and so hung stringlike from the brim and dangled with his footfalls by the eyepatch he wore.
A series of collapsed, nearly unrecognizable apartments had fallen and been flattened or forced to bend in jagged directions; old catwalk rails jutted from the spot of destruction like a mad spider’s legs—an unsettling image. This seemed to have been the place Maron took refuge from the attack.
Wherever I went, it seemed that death was either fast approaching or near ahead so I never could tell from what direction to expect it; but expecting death itself was sometimes enough. I took to a white and curved piece of stone dilapidation—likely a piece from the hydro towers—and used it to purchase higher ground and saw Maron stumble nearer. Through the new byways created by the destruction, he remained slow and struggled and remained so far out that I was uncertain whether he saw me.
The hiss of spitting broken water pipes filled the lulls between the bird calls. The sun was deep yellow against the red sky. The wind was cool and held me aloft like a puppet.
Precariously, I hunkered at my elevated position and rummaged through my satchel but found nothing. Instead, I left it there in that spot and climbed carefully to the earth and unbuckled the belt from around my waist and held it whip-ready, opposite the buckle-end; it was a thin and cheap thing but perhaps good enough. I moved toward my brother, openly. Whatever would be.
Forty yards separated us and there was enough of an area of open earth among the piled collections of destruction; he still looked like a shadow, like a half-illusion of a man against the backdrop of interlocking wreckage.
“Hey!” I called.
Maron stopped where he was and craned his head forward; dust rose from around his feet then settled. “Harlan?” He asked.
“Yeah.”
“I can’t see you too good, you know.” Maron scratched his right eye with a rotating knuckle; the skin seemed irritated. “Those bugs itch like a bitch, don’t they?”
“So they say,” I spat between where I’d spaced my legs.
He placed his hand on the handle of the revolver which stood out on his hip. “I could kill you, Harlan. I’ve got a clear shot here.”
“Yeah.”
“You’d deserve it, especially after what you did.” His voice was gravelly; he coughed and wiped his mouth with a forearm.
I took a small step forward and Maron removed the revolver from its holster but kept it pointed to the ground.
I shook my head and remained still again. “What about after all you did?”
“Me?” he laughed sickly, “You’re one to talk. I guess there’s no hiding it anymore. I was ashamed of you. You—cavortin’ with demons—that’s all you do. I think I saw you speak to them a couple times. I feel like you whisper to them in your sleep. I knew what kind of man you were all this time and I let you go on.”
“You let me, huh?” I glanced to the sky and breathed deep and listened to the birds. A tight-lipped expression pulled my face almost like a smile and I gritted my teeth. “Here I thought I let you.”
Maron laughed again wetly and remained with his gun down. The gunmetal shone bright as silver from either cleaning or handling; it was good to know he’d taken care of it at least.
“I cried about you,” I said—some roiling thing rolled over in the pit of my stomach.
“So?” he asked the sky.
I closed the space between us by a quarter or more and stopped. “So, did you ever cry about me? Did you ever cry about them?” The trailing end of my sentence nearly broke my voice, and I abruptly finished the words to protest it.
Maron shrugged. “’Course I did. All the time. For them. For you?” He shook his head. In the light—just so—his right eye glowed white; blood trickled from around the bottom eyelid from over-rubbing while yellow infection oozed from the bottom of the patch over his left eye. “Somethin’s wrong in you. You did something. I know you did. Maybe you prayed to them things. Maybe you asked for it—Lady did weird seances before she,” with his free hand, he twirled a finger by his ear. “Maybe you spoke to them and did what you did. All that good and evil talk that Jackson went on about doesn’t matter anymore,” Maron shrugged then nodded and wriggled his mustache in thought.
“You used to call him dad,” I said.
“We didn’t have any dads, you and me. Looking back now, I see our mother—if she was—was the worst about it. We were some ragtag bunch of monster hunters? There ain’t any good and evil in this world and that’s a fact. It’s all just livin’.”
“What made you that way?”
“What way’s that, Harlan?” He sighed.
“I thought you’d be a good man. You were a sweet boy.”
“I guess.” His blind gaze trailed away, watched the birds on the far walls, and his uncovered bleeding eye blinked slowly and with effort; he rubbed it again and smeared blood across his cheek and blinked more and seemed to focus. “What makes you sure you’re a good man?”
“I ain’t.”
“I didn’t figure you were.” His eye traced the scenery, seemed to look everywhere and beyond me even. “You do all this too? You call down your buddies for all this? I was afraid of you for a long time. Now I know I was right.”
“Mm. I didn’t.”
“Quite the coincidence that you’d hang and then all this happens to stop it. Nice for you. Look around at all them bodies. Tell me it’s worth it. I know you and I know what you are. Harold didn’t believe it—hell I didn’t want to believe it. Here we are.”
I shook my head and felt silly standing there and holding my belt like a dead snake by my side. “It wasn’t too long ago I thought similarly of you. I thought you’d been some possessed thing, something that wasn’t my brother anymore. Like you said. Here we are. I was blind for so long and I thought it couldn’t be that you’d be this way all on your own. I saw you grow into something unrecognizable,” My shoulders rolled with a shrug. “What’s it matter? What’s any of it matter? You thought I was some witch and I thought maybe some demon hijacked your body! What’s it matter? It doesn’t. I don’t care if you are who you are because of me or because of this world—it’s over. And here we are.” I took a gulp of air; it was rotten. “I loved you. I saw something change in you and blamed myself, blamed the demons; maybe you were a mutant! Bah! It’s just you. Whatever you are is just you—doesn’t really matter what made it. I don’t know how I could cry over someone like that. I just don’t know.”
Maron nodded at me, and I took a step forward; the Boss sheriff leveled the long barrel Colt in my direction. The sun beat down and I took another step forward and another until I was pacing, shoulders moving in tandem with each step—though my left knee twinged, it wasn’t pain; there was too much adrenaline for pain. The gun erupted, broke the dead air, a few birds cawed and flapped away but mostly remained and looked on with apathetic curiosity. I stood still. Maron missed, took aim again, and I began to further close the gap.
The pistol rang again; my imagination insisted I felt the breeze from the bullet. I did not care. Here we were and here it would be. Again, twice more, the gun cried out; the last of that duo spiked the earth up at my feet and sent dust into the air; I passed through it.
With Maron nearly in arm’s reach, I reared with the belt—remaining with my right leg on the backfoot—I swung the strap out like a whip and felt the belt slack as the buckle met Maron’s nose.
He stumbled backward, fired another round into the air and my ears rang and I launched into him.
With him being weak and feeble and ill and tired as he was, he fell slowly in the way that people do when they attempt to stop themselves from going. He spun on his naked heel and landed on his knees, hands in the dirt, revolver hilt loosely clamped in his fist. I sent a boot to his stomach and from seemingly nowhere a wild scream came from me—it was a moment of human satisfaction.
He laughed there on the ground, and it was so like gasping for air that I wasn’t sure that’s what I heard. “I hit you once, I see only just a bit out of the right and I still hit you!”
The numbness forgave a moment of pain—a jolt ran up my left arm. Without a moment afforded to inspect myself, I launched another kick just as he came around to raise his head. My boot caught his chin and clicked his teeth together; blood ran like a spigot from his mouth while the cowboy hat tumbled off the crown of his head and landed in the dirt beside him.
His eyepatch came unplaced from his left eye and rested over his brow before the strings came loose and the object fell off him. The black hole there in his head shone starkly when he calmed his head to look up at me; the other eye was milk white.
“I’m dying,” he said, “I’m dying, but I’m a pretty good shot, ain’t I?”
I didn’t say anything and placed my heel on his shoulder and propelled him over, so he fell onto his back. There on the ground, the pistol lay. I bent and dropped the belt and lifted the pistol— a single shot left. The thing was heavier than the metal it was.
Maron lifted up again and spoke, “I’m dying,” he repeated, “I’m dying.” His head rocked forward and back in exaggeration.
I shoved him down again, remembered the bodies he hung, remembered the people he assaulted, remembered the tortures—with him looking up at me though, I briefly remembered the boy behind that man’s face. I didn’t say anything because I couldn’t.
“I see a little out of the right, Harlan—like I said. C’mere a minute. Just a minute. Or a second even. All I want is a second. C’mere and let me see you a little clear for just one second.”
I never was a good shot anyway, but that wouldn’t have mattered; I angled the revolver out from my body. He craned his head up for a better look maybe—like a varmint from a hole—and when he did, I fired the last shot and even though he’d grown so large in my mind, he still fell over like any man would. Blood spurted then trailed from his head; I swallowed a noise back.
Warm pain radiated from my left bicep, and I knew what it was; I threw back my jacket, so it hung only off my right shoulder and examined the spot. The notch was swollen, the flesh was gnarly and leaked. I cupped the heel of my hand to the wound while still holding the revolver and felt my heartbeat in it. Nothing stitches wouldn’t fix. So, Maron was a good shot. I lumbered over the corpse and stared into the one solid eye. Even blind, he got me once.
I sighed and half-straddled the corpse and ripped the gun belt off his waist and shoved it under my armpit then waddled over the dead man to the hat that’d fallen in the dirt. Our mother’s hat fit loose on my head, but her old belt slotted around me snug.
The wound didn’t clot, and blood ran in webs down my forearm and across the back of my hand. I shifted to look to the place I’d left the satchel and I saw an audience there—the underground survivors followed me out; they were arranged like tin solders frozen among the rubble outcroppings. Mal was there and nearest me. She called something out, but I didn’t respond. I shook my head as if to let them know I didn’t care and began to walk towards the piece of white rock. The broken band of the hat fell into the periphery of my left eye like a wayward strand of hair.
I slung the revolver into the holster on my hip and kept my right hand to my left bicep and gritted my teeth at the growing pain. Ointments were in the satchel and bandages and a bit of liquor—wizard brand.
Mal rushed out to me and slammed into me, and nearly put me over and the others too began to clamor off their perches—how they looked at me just like the birds.
Mal slammed her hands onto my shoulders. “You just killed and robbed him.”
I laughed. “Alright.”
“Why?”
I saw the boy—William—too had come and he remained among the small crowd that came around me.
“This needs treating,” I angled my head at the wound I held.
“What’d you kill him for?” asked Mal, again.
I ignored her, pushed beyond, and whispered something about going home.
The levels to the satchel were slow going and the people spoke amongst themselves, and I slammed my bottom onto the flat elevation and began to clean and wipe down. I fumbled with my right hand and kept my neck twisted just so and pried the wound a bit with my index finger and thumb. Blood ripped out of the spot, and I laughed and stopped and rewiped. Inside of the satchel there was a handheld staple gun. I put it to the spot, trying to keep the swollen opening closed. After a few overzealous clicks, I sighed and dropped the staple gun into the satchel.
From where I was, Maron looked small.
Like a whisper on the wind, I heard, I brought him to you one last time. Bravo! Well done!
I twisted around lackadaisically searching for the point of the voice and didn’t find it. “Stupid,” I whispered to myself.
Then I popped casually to my feet, felt the mild blood loss send me dizzy and I momentarily felt like I’d fall over and break my neck in front of all those fine people—what a laugh riot!
Mal’s incredulous expression was obvious even with the distance. “Hey!” I called out to Mal, to all of them, “I’m going home.”
“Where’s home?” asked someone.
“C’mon with me if you want.”
Some wanted and some didn’t, and we gathered twenty strong and Mal and William were among them. Lady surprisingly decided to fall along with those of us that left. Those that remained certainly died, but who’s to say?
All the horses were dead and even in searching for the oil wagon I’d rode in on, I couldn’t find it. Walking never bothered me anyway. When I grew tired, I used some discarded metal post as a third leg. We walked it and I thought it felt like a pilgrimage—damn all other religiosity. I hoped for the one and true religion: love.
Seven died westward. William succumbed to the skitterbugs and I managed to bury him even while others regarded the practice with apathy. Mal went quickly by a skin taker, and yet Lady remained; she was a hanger-on.
The only one that mattered to me was the one waiting for me—if they still waited. I hoped they did.
We saw Alexandria at dawn after many days of travel. Upon the sight of the arch along the skyline, whispers came over our group and one fellow wondered aloud if the arch was the source of all the magic the wizards knew. Lady rebutted the claim and cursed at the thought of it. Still though, she followed. I mindlessly told them it was the gateway to the west but that didn’t mean a thing to anybody at all.
Point-hatted scouts saw us and let us through while the sky was still waking. The nerves in my body danced like bugs. Whatever negative providence that’d taken over my life was gone at last. Though the weight remained, perhaps I could let it go with time. I wanted to.
Seeing Suzanne like that, still tired and yawning and even brow furrowed, I stumbled into them and pressed their face to mine, and I told them I’d never let them go and I told them it was over, and Suzanne asked me where the wagon was.
I didn’t have an answer for that and instead buried my nose behind their ear.
All they asked me then was, “Really, it’s over?”
“It’s over. I’m better now. Well—I might not be better, but I will be.”
A fat dog brushed my leg, and it was Trouble—the animal was kept on a lead by Gemma which tugged on the collar just a bit to keep the dog from tangling the lead around our legs. The girl beamed and I wasn’t sure I’d ever seen her so genuine as that. Her face was rounded from health.
I pulled Suzanne into another hug and hushed, “My legs are tired now.” We kept our arms around each other; I hoped they didn’t want to let me go just like how I didn’t want to let them go. The only thing that hurt was knowing I’d hurt Suzanne.
It felt ridiculous because it was, but I was an optometrist finally. It wouldn’t be easy, but I saw everything very clearly.
First/Previous
Archive

I'm 22 about be 23, M, I graduated college last year with a degree in Computer Science engineering, and I'm unemployed since. I did good in school and scored not very good but above average grades in college, but I think that's just because I memorized everything before exams. In reality I have no work experience, never made any good projects, never did any side hustle or part-time or any internship, studied hard for interviews but still got rejected from every company in campus placements. I never made any network, a massive introvert and never made more than 5 friends in college who were also my roommate.
I returned to my town after my college and now it's been 1 year since I graduated college, and I've done nothing in this whole year which can contribute anything positive to my career. Few months back I started preparing for Bank exams which is a completely different field from Computer Science. But the pain of regret that I was not able to achieve anything from the previous field is so much that I can't think straight let alone study properly, also the fact that I wasted a whole year and also the fact that I'm just in my home practicing speed maths (questions from bank exams) while my friends are now developers working for good IT companies, dating cute girls and living in big cities. I think even if I get a job in bank I'd be working my ass off in some rural area while my friends would be exploring new cities maybe even abroad.
It gets even worse when I think about my parents who spent so much resources on me, only for me to not utilise them rightfully. I think that a person like me doesn't deserve the parents I have, and that if someone else was in my place they would have done something to make them proud.
I feel like a spoiled brat when someone who despite having lesser resources have achieved so much and doing better in life, and I honestly respect them, they deserve this because they have put the hard work. I feel like my neighbours and relatives give my example to their kids and tell them not to turn out like me.
I get thoughts of ending it everyday and feel like it would be nice and I won't mind if any car or truck ran over me accidentally.
I don't know why I turned out like this, I never meant harm to anyone, talked to everyone kindly and was a helpful friend, but I guess that doesn't mean anything.
You can be harsh in the comments if you want, I really need a reality check and some scolding.

I'm 22 about be 23, M, I graduated college last year with a degree in Computer Science engineering, and I'm unemployed since. I did good in school and scored not very good but above average grades in college, but I think that's just because I memorized everything before exams. In reality I have no work experience, never made any good projects, never did any side hustle or part-time or any internship, studied hard for interviews but still got rejected from every company in campus placements. I never made any network, a massive introvert and never made more than 5 friends in college who were also my roommate.
I returned to my town after my college and now it's been 1 year since I graduated college, and I've done nothing in this whole year which can contribute anything positive to my career. Few months back I started preparing for Bank exams which is a completely different field from Computer Science. But the pain of regret that I was not able to achieve anything from the previous field is so much that I can't think straight let alone study properly, also the fact that I wasted a whole year and also the fact that I'm just in my home practicing speed maths (questions from bank exams) while my friends are now developers working for good IT companies, dating cute girls and living in big cities. I think even if I get a job in bank I'd be working my ass off in some rural area while my friends would be exploring new cities maybe even abroad.
It gets even worse when I think about my parents who spent so much resources on me, only for me to not utilise them rightfully. I think that a person like me doesn't deserve the parents I have, and that if someone else was in my place they would have done something to make them proud.
I feel like a spoiled brat when someone who despite having lesser resources have achieved so much and doing better in life, and I honestly respect them, they deserve this because they have put the hard work. I feel like my neighbours and relatives give my example to their kids and tell them not to turn out like me.
I get thoughts of ending it everyday and feel like it would be nice and I won't mind if any car or truck ran over me accidentally.
I don't know why I turned out like this, I never meant harm to anyone, talked to everyone kindly and was a helpful friend, but I guess that doesn't mean anything.
You can be harsh in the comments if you want, I really need a reality check and some scolding.

The stone beneath their feet ripped itself off the ground, flying upward to collect into one enormous group. Suddenly, it curved downward towards the Hangman, resembling something between a murder of crows and a hail of arrows–
And had no effect on him.
The mass of cobblestone froze before reaching Valente, as if its time had forever stopped. While it still trembled, almost seeing to travel down an invisible road, that was all.
'This isn't part of his Hangman Talent,' Aspreay noted.
'The gods may yet forgive me, but I shall never forgive myself,' Valente thought. 'And even if it won't undo my crimes…at least I can stop a monster that sneers at death from roaming this earth.'
The Hangman was many things. Overwhelmed. Shocked. Guilty. All of those and more.
But he was still a genius.
'Damaging an opponent of higher Rank using the terrain is an obvious move,' Valente pondered, 'but I doubt he believed it would work. No – his aim was to distract me while narrowing the distance between us. He wants the Realm to be even smaller.'
The Hangman aimed his projectile Spheres at Aspreay, yet this time death was not imbued upon them. They were merely shot forward at incredible speeds, passing cleanly through his arms and legs like the sharpest of arrows.
Aspreay stopped his charge forward. His Noble Guard still protected him from death and healed every injury – it wasn't enough.
'If I kill him before he realizes what happened,' Valente thought, 'then his Realm just brings him back straight away. He'll simply go on like nothing happened, as he never had the time to suffer. But if I instead leave him alive, his pain and injuries will slow his pace. He can't approach me in that state.'
Valente was not raised by tutors like most other Hangmen, and he'd been taught very little of Realms. But he knew this much from his own fights against Lords: Realms were slower to heal injuries than to revive a user from immediate death.
This difference amounted to just a scant few seconds. Yet in this duel of titans…
That could be enough to kill the unkillable.
"You cannot and will not take a single step toward me, Aspreay!" Valente snarled. "Villains do not have the will of a hero! They have no cause noble enough to will their bodies through the worst of pains."
"I need no cause, peasant," Aspreay fired back. "We are inside my Realm now, and so long we stay here, your knees shall bend before me, and your lord shall go wherever he pleases."
His taunt appeared to shake the Hangman's resolve, yet not enough for his attacks to falter. The barrage of spheres continued, drawing out wounds and hindering Aspreay's march. 'Bastard', he thought, with a grimace. 'Even if Emperor Ciro can't detect the use of Lordly Talents, everyone in the city will have noticed the explosion Valente caused earlier. I have to finish this quickly.'
That was easier said than done. He hadn't even managed to progress a single meter since his last advance.
As the Hangman kept up his assault, he contemplated the stage that Aspreay had set. 'He intends to strengthen his Realm by refining it and reducing its size multiple times.'
Aspreay smiled at his enemy's thoughts. Although his opponent could not hear his response, he imagined one nonetheless. 'Considering our difference in rank, I would have to narrow down my Realm to the size of a closet. We would have to be within striking distance of one another's fist for it to have a prayer of working.
Yet this strategy held a massive risk – one that the Hangman was well-aware of. 'He can only use Noble Guard inside his Realm, and last time, he took nearly a full second to use Realm Reconstruction. I am more than capable of killing him in that period. That's why he wants to distract me.'
Even so, the Talent of a Lord could not be ignored. The risk and reward were plain.
'If I manage to narrow my Realm down even more–' Aspreay thought.
'If I manage to reach him before he can use Reconstruction–' Valente thought.
Both steadied their resolve.
'–THEN I CAN KILL HIM!–'
Aspreay made the first move. When his lips started to move, Valente readied himself to react at a moment's notice.
"Kill yourself, Peasant."
There was no way to avoid the order, but neither was there a reason to try doing so. The gut punch sensation it inflicted was uncomfortable, yet nothing Valente could not withstand. A momentary distraction at most; not even long enough for Aspreay to reconstruct his Realm.
"Disperse, sand."
Valente did not anticipate this order, nor could he have done much to stop it, regardless. Compacted sand rose up from underground, obscuring his vision. 'Wait…his previous order, where he lifted the cobblestone…it wasn't meant to harm me – but to expose the sand underneath. How did he know it was there?'
'Do you really think I wouldn't know what lies beneath the streets of the Empire capital I served?' Aspreay thought, almost offended. 'I will have you pay for your insolence.'
He dashed through the blinding dust that his Order had created. While his death command failed to harm Valente, it delayed the Hangman long enough that he wasn't ready to attack before Aspreay had already moved elsewhere.
Upon recovering, Valente launched a number of injuring spheres in every direction. Fast as he was, though, he failed to land a hit. There were simply too many places for Aspreay to hide, and whenever he thought of a place to aim, the Lord knew to avoid that area. 'Where is he? What is he–'
The Realm dissipated.
"NO!" Valente screamed. He shot forth his Orbs like a hailstorm of arrows. "Where are you, villain?! Show yours–"
"–REALM–RECONSTRUCTION–!"
Just as the cloud of sand dissipated, Valente was finally able to make out the vague shape of Aspreay standing arrogant and proud. "8 meters," said the lord, through heavy breaths. "Down from 14."
"You basta–" the Hangman started, then stopped as he examined Aspreay more carefully. The lord hadn't come out of their exchange unscathed. He was now clutching his left shoulder, blood flowing from the left side of his torso. One Orb had gone directly through Aspreay's body, and another had lightly grazed it.
'Why hasn't he healed yet?' the Hangman wondered.
Aspreay outwardly maintained his grin, trying not to let the pain show. 'Noble Guard only heals wounds that take place inside my Realm. You'll figure that out soon enough, won't you, troublesome little shit?'
Had it been just that, it wouldn't have been a problem. The issue came with Valente's second realization. 'He seems exhausted…of course.'
"You're getting weaker," the Hangman noted, a smile creeping across his features. "I did find it strange that a Lord could Reconstruct his Realm as many times as you have. My knowledge of your Talent may be lackluster, but I was still confident that you were only capable of doing that once per day at most."
"Limits only apply to the unblessed commoners that were born without skill," Aspreay coughed out. His breathing had become more ragged, and his vision was starting to blur. "They do not befit someone of my station."
"And yet you are now paying the cost of overusing your Realm," the Hangman said, confidently. "This is where your little game ends. It's taking longer and longer for you to construct it."
That, unfortunately, was correct.
"You have also lost the capacity to impede me with your Orders," Valente pointed out. "The narrower your Realm becomes, the more powerful your Royal Orders are…however, this also means that the recoil from failed Orders hurts far more."
That, too, was correct.
"Lastly – if you try the same trick with the sand again, you'll be pierced to death."
That was likely true as well.
The Hangman adopted a conceited expression of victory. "Surrender now, Aspreay, and face the Emperor's justice rather than–"
"–Kill yourself, peasant."
It didn't matter that his Canvas was bloodied and falling apart; at 8 meters, the Royal Order was stronger than before. If the last had been comparable to a sudden gut punch, this was closer to a disorienting sequence of strikes. Coupled with his surprise at the sudden defiance, Valente was frozen stunned for one fleeting moment.
It was enough for Aspreay.
"Blind him, sand!"
The same game from before took place – but with more lethal consequences. When inside of a Realm only 8 meters long, the Royal Order became increasingly powerful. The sand behaved with active malice, not just blinding the Hangman, but creeping beneath his eyelids like insects hunting for moisture.
'Even a Hangman would need a moment to compose himself after that kind of sensation,' Aspreay thought. He dispersed his Realm, ready to dash forward.
Only for the sand to disperse as well, leaving Valente unharmed.
This came as a stark surprise to the Lord. Even after dispelling his Realm, its Orders should have continued for at least a few seconds. Yet the sand appeared to have left Valente's eyes as if it had never been there in the first place. More came for him immediately after, and he swept it aside with ease.
'How is he dispersing the sand?' Aspreay wondered. 'That's not a Hangman Talent. Does he…have another Talent? But that–'
Valente's gaze shifted. While he hadn't fully discerned Aspreay's location, enough sand was gone that he'd gotten a rough estimate. The Hangman readied more Orbs, preparing to fling them.
SHIT–
"–REALM–RECONSTRUCTION–!"
The Hangman's hypothesis had been correct. Aspreay was taking longer to rebuild his Realm – and this time, it had almost proved fatal. The Orbs had pierced both his legs; mayhap pierced his knee, even. He didn't think he could walk any longer. As soon as his body fell, it would not stand back up again.
Divine Knowledge pushed his thoughts to race faster and faster. 'The moment the last of the sand is gone, I'll be on the ground, defenseless. How can I keep myself from falling?'
The answer came to him almost in synchronicity with his own order. "Street: give me my lord's right!"
Valente's thoughts were those of triumph. Although he was unhappy about using something called Distance on the sand, he believed that as Aspreay was close to death, and that as no onlookers could see through the cloud of dirt, even the Emperor wouldn't have been too upset about him employing it here.
He expected to see the Villain on the ground, writhing in pain, his Realm nearly shattered, and his will gone. 'He will beg for forgiveness–he will admit fault in the death of the commoners–he will confess to his sins!'
Then the dust cleared, and his expectations shattered.
"What in His Imperial Majesty's name…" Valente began, then trailed off. In front of him was the personification of the Realm he found himself constricted within. Cobblestone, sand, metal, dirt – they had all been sucked into a single spot and then forcibly arranged into a single piece of furniture.
A throne.
And sitting upon it, one bloody leg crossed over another, one elbow on the armrest, chin on his hand, was Aspreay. The Lord smiled through his pain, the pleasure of the fragile genius' shocked face empowering him. He gazed down at the Hangman as if looking at a mere petitioner in his court. "How pitiful," Aspreay coldly spat out, "that the Empire's greatest genius is also its worst coward."
'He, he can't even stand. It doesn't matter how grandiose of an entrance he makes – there's nothing he can do!' the Hangman told himself. "No use in bluffing, Aspreay. You can barely talk, let alone fight."
They were 4 meters apart now. Closer than before, but not enough to land any sort of definitive blow.
"Aspreay…be reasonable. Any further Royal Orders might kill you. Just surrender – it's your best chance of survival."
"Survival?" Aspreay threw his head back and laughed. "Do you think me a man so petty as to be concerned with that?" His grin widened. "I seek not life, but victory."
"You dare waste the life the Emperor gave you?" Valented accused. "I name you villain, traitor, and blasphemer!"
"And you disgrace the memory of those you've killed." Aspreay's laugh turned from manic to derisive. "Tell me, Hangman. Do you think yourself blameless for the Puppet massacre? Do you tell yourself that you were just a child? A naive youth who knew not what he did?"
"I…I did not massacre them," Valente fired back. "I only defeated their lord and destroyed the mountain. The…the others handled…"
"What a farce," Aspreay stated, in a mixture of amusement and disgust. "Who would have thought the Empire's sharpest blade to be so soft? You were wielded like a weapon, because you did not want to be a man. Do you truly believe yourself to be innocent? Do you think there were no Puppets hiding in the Mountains after your lot massacred the rest? Do you think yourself blameless for the murder of innocents after you tore away their only protection?'
"I…that's not…"
"And need I remind you, Hangman," Aspreay continued, gesturing wildly from his throne, "that you killed a lord by making him offer his life to protect his people?"
"I didn't know!" Valente screamed, his eyes full of tears. "I had no idea that–"
"It seems like no one ever taught you manners. I suppose that's to be expected. You come not from any noble blood, as I understand? Orbs may buy rank, yet regrettably, they do not and cannot buy class. Dress a pig in riches and power if you wish – he'll still be a filthy commoner who doesn't deserve to lick the mud off my boots."
Valente angrily shook his head. He wanted to fling himself at Aspreay, to come closer and deliver violence upon him, but knew better than to play into the man's hands. "You will show me the respect I deserve, Villain."
"Speaking of respect," Aspreay mocked, "you now stand before a lord and his throne."
He stretched out a hand. "Kneel."
It all happened at once. Valente had earnestly believed that Aspreay wouldn't use another order in his injured state. Combined with his guilty mind wandering to the deaths he'd caused since the Emperor rescued him, he hesitated – and then felt his knees hit the ground.
'Kneel..?' It was the first order Aspreay had given that wasn't a proclamation of death. Valente's eyes widened as he understood why. 'His orders until now…he wasn't just trying to kill me in one move. He wanted me to assume that he couldn't issue less demanding types of orders!'
The Hangman struggled in vain. While he could have rejected an order to die, he couldn't reject one meant to restrain him – not from 4 meters apart. Valente was so focused on attempting to rise that he paid little to the next order that came out of Aspreay's mouth.
"Send me forward."
The throne he had created, the incarnation of his pride, launched him forward at Valente, whose lowered gaze did not immediately notice the incoming lord. Mid-flight, Apsreay called off his Realm. Immediately after, before even reaching the ground, he cried out–
"–REALM–RECONSTRUCTION–!"
It felt like agony, like his very soul was being ripped off from his body – yet he would not yield. Death was acceptable, but not to a brat like this. Aspreay extended his arm, frenzied laughter washing over him as the last of the Wall was reconstructed behind.
The falling Lord and the unsteady Hangman were now less than 1 meter apart.
"KILL YOURSELF, PEASANT!"
'Increase the Distance at the ends of his Realm – keep his hand from touching me!' Valente thought.
Every outcome and reaction unfolded at the same time, his visions of the past mingling with the reality of the present. 'I…I had to do it. He would have killed me!' For a moment, Aspreay appeared not unlike that Puppet Lord from years ago, spurring Valente into a fit of desperate action.
The Hangman used his Talent to increase the distance of Aspreay's Realm ever so slightly. His mind raced with guilt as he pushed against the wall. He'd only had the time to increase it back up to 3 meters.
Although truth be told, it wouldn't have mattered if he failed entirely. Even at less than 1 meter, Aspreay's order wasn't strong enough to seriously injure – let alone kill – a Hangman of Valente's Rank.
And that was fine.
'So you have another Talent…one that the Emperor didn't want you to use. That's why you have the title of Strongest.' Aspreay grinned at the man, letting realization sink in. 'I'll take this gift of knowledge with me. This is my little victory against you, Strongest Man.'
"Like hell I'll let–"
The Order had nonetheless caused the Hangman to stumble and feel a small amount of blood in his throat, his body involuntarily hunching over to cough it out. It was barely a wound, closer to an inconvenience – and Aspreay had nearly died to obtain it.
But the Hangman still feared him.
And this combination of events was the opening he needed to issue his final order. "I BANISH: MYSELF!"
Much like he'd once sent a woman flying through the walls of his castle, he now issued himself the same order – flinging his own body through his Realm. He crashed through the debris of a destroyed building, breaking something inside himself, although he wasn't sure what.
The Hangman started to go after him, but was rebuffed by the Wall. "Consider yourself sealed for now," Aspreay muttered. "You could easily break though…but you think that an attack like that might end up hurting more civilians, don't you? So you'll just have to wait. Wait…for now…."
--
When Aspreay's consciousness returned to him, he was already upright and stumbling forward through the ruins of the destroyed city district. Amidst frantic chaos and injured citizens, the bloodied lord did not stand out among the crowd.
So many people died today, he thought absently, biting his lip to keep from coughing blood. 'I doomed hundreds to save Vasco.' His eyes lingered on the rubble, the many clouds of dust, and desperate waves of people crowding around fallen buildings. And I would have gladly doomed thousands more, he determined, with an odd calmness.
Aspreay didn't mind how far he'd gone, but he knew of less where to go from here. His injuries were numerous, and the Emperor would soon send someone to kill him – not that there was much need for it. He was doomed to die within a few weeks. Days, even.
Such was the price for Reconstructing his Realm so many times in a row. His Canvas was likely stained with blood, if not downright rotten. Twice would have been strenuous; five was a slow suicide.
Albeit a glorious one.
Alas, despite feeling rather content with the coming end, Aspreay found his weary feet treading through rubble nonetheless. He knew not the cause of his restlessness. A beautiful end to an ugly life, one where his honor – against all odds – was kept. This was what men dreamed of. Why balk at death now?
He truly didn't know why his heart refused to accept the notion. Distantly, he considered the possibility that he never would.
Then he spotted his horse, and could no longer conceive of dying.
"Silver?" Aspreay said, dull surprise coloring his tone. "You're still here?" He managed a hollow laugh. "Weird creature. You get spooked by your own shadow, yet you didn't run when Valente exploded entire buildings?" Tenderness entered his voice. "Stupid horse."
He approached slowly. With care, Aspreay brushed his bloodied hand against the horse. Bitterly, he half-expected it to run, yet somehow wasn't surprised when it didn't. Silver was the one thing he'd taken from Penumbria – the only thing he refused to leave behind.
'A gift?' Aspreay had said years ago. 'You're hardly one for big gestures. What curse befell you?'
'One bearing your name,' Vasco grumbled. He held his gaze for a moment too long – a moment not long enough – then shook his head. 'Search far and wide for a better horse. You'll come up short.'
The Lord of Penumbria nodded, studying the horse of white with spots of black. 'Strong. Well-trained. Appearance aside, there are many horses like this one in the Empire.' He turned around to look at the man. 'What makes this one so special?'
Vasco put two fingers beneath Aspreay's chin and lifted it upward until their eyes met once more. 'This one will always bring you back to me,' he whispered, in a low voice.
Aspreay's vision blurred as his life faded, but that one memory remained clear as it had ever been. "Good thing you're here," he told Silver. Injured ribs pressed against his stomach as he forced himself to mount the horse. Heavens, he wished there had been a saddle nearby. In his state, all he could do was collapse onto the animal and wrap his arms around its neck.
"Hey there boy," Aspreay said, softly. "Apologies. This might be uncomfortable. I know we haven't ridden without a saddle in a while, so bear with me. I'm not sure I can stay conscious…but it's not like my lead has ever done much but slow you down, eh?"
A weak laugh crawled out from his throat. Gods, did it hurt. "Take me to Vasco, please."
Silver started to gallop. Aspreay struggled not to fall, swaying dangerously as the city passed him by. Inky blackness gradually crept into the corners of his vision, his mind losing its battle to stay conscious.
Will I live to see him? It would be wonderful if he did, although unlikely – yet not impossible. Thanks to Silver, death was no longer a certainty. Mayhap he could survive this and escape the capital before the Hangmen came.
A miracle that would need another, when my injuries are too great for most to recover from. But now, chasing that miracle within a miracle actually seemed appealing.
"I feel...oddly refreshed," Aspreay said, as darkness befell his eyes.
​
--
​
Thanks for reading!

Author's Note:
This broke the character limit, so it's getting split into two parts.
​
--
​
If before the pouring rain had seemed to avoid Valente, now it chose to avoid the street entirely, like a curtain rising to honor Aspreay's challenge. A set of four near-translucent walls had spawned around the Lord and the Hangman, so elegant that they almost felt as if they did not exist at all.
Until that moment, not a single thing today had shocked Adam. Not Eric's betrayal, nor the Dark Captain's appearance. Even his own death at the hands of the Emperor was something he'd accounted for.
This, however–
"Aspreay…what the hell are you doing?" Adam muttered. The translucent barrier stood tall in front of him like an impenetrable Wall. "You're supposed to be a selfish asshole, this doesn't fucking track!"
He shook his head and grit his teeth. "Damn it! I don't want to see anyone dying because of – damn it!"
Adam wrapped Stained Ink around his hand, then punched at the Walls of Aspreay's Realm. His fist bounced back like a ricocheting bullet, nearly pushing him back with its momentum. A dark, hazy steam began emanating from his hand, its burning ink clashing heavily against the pouring rain.
Too strong, Adam marveled. His gaze shifted from his injured fist over to the translucent barrier. It's far stronger than the barrier he set up around Penumbria. Is it because it's smaller? So…larger Realms are weaker? That's why it's harder to track individual people when a Realm is the size of a city?
There was still far too much that Adam didn't know about Realms and the Lord Talent. He'd only utilized his Lord Talent to its minimal extent – what choice did he have, when doing otherwise would've meant the death of Penumbria? His own ignorance was something that he was keenly aware of.
Even so…
Beholding Aspreay's Walls, he couldn't help but realize just how truly little he knew of Lordship. This mastery was–
"Adam!" a voice called out. "Get in here, quickly!"
Suddenly, a carriage pulled by two dark horses appeared beside him, the sound of its arrival camouflaged by the heavy rain. Adam's first instinct was to reach for his Stained Ink, but he relaxed upon seeing the carriage's driver.
"Inside," Tenver barked. "Hurry and shut the blinds – we're leaving the city now."
"Don't think I've ever been so glad to see you," Adam, with a smile.
Tenver returned the smile, but only briefly. "No time. Hop in before anyone sees you."
Adam nodded; there was ill time for pleasantries. Despite that, he spared one last glance as he climbed into the carriage, looking at the duel taking place inside Aspreay's Realm. Such was his haste that he only allowed himself the luxury of reflection after their carriage had started moving forward, re-entering the storm.
You're a difficult man, Aspreay, he mused. With the same tone you would use to damn an unfortunate wretch, you also declare your intention to save another. I've learned enough of your soul to commit it to ink…
And I still feel like I don't know you at all.
--
Imperial Hangmen are more than just harbingers of death – they are its wielders. To face them in battle is to throw yourself neck-first onto the executioner's axe. Their speed and power are such that Valente could have killed Aspreay long before the former Lord finished reconstructing his Realm around them.
Only one thing kept Valente from doing so; his sincere dedication to the Empire and its laws. Until Aspreay had called upon his Realm, he was not yet guilty of a crime.
But now he was.
"Your punishment needn't be death," Valente said, in a firm tone. "I promise clemency if you call off your realm and surrender. Avoid suffering a villain's fate, Aspreasy."
It was an option. "I rather mislike being told what to do." Aspreay did not take it. "No. One of us shall perish today."
Bold words, he knew, to utter to the Empire's sharpest blade.
Why am I raising my sword against the living incarnation of death? Aspreay wondered. Do I consider the brat to be noble in some way? Or is it simply that loving the fool from Gama has finally become the death of me?
This and many other thoughts fluttered within Aspreay's mind, frustration and confusion welling up inside – but only for a moment. It had all ceased the moment his Realm was summoned.
Nothing else mattered except the opponent standing before him.
Back when the Emperor first granted Aspreay land, some had privately questioned his decision to reward a nameless lord of meager renown. Theories whirled amidst the capital, chief among them the notion that Aspreay harbored some secret Talent that could rival even the Hangmen themselves.
The truth was much more mundane. It was not hidden strength or genius aptitude that drew the Emperor's attention. He'd merely taken note of Aspreay's single-minded focus and ability to calmly analyze his surroundings – then judged it would be easier to reward the idealistic, wide-eyed young man than to fight him.
Because during his time at the Academy, despite possessing a lower Rank than the other Lords…Aspreay had never lost a single duel.
He fixed his gaze on the specter of death that was the Hangman. His motives for helping the Painter, his hatred at the injustice done to him, even his desire to survive – all were burnt to ashes as his Realm spread around them. In his mind, only a single, solitary thought remained:
Victory at all costs.
The Hangman's glare threatened death. "Heed the Emperor's orders, Aspreay. Forget not that we are inside His Realm."
"And yet also inside mine," Aspreay stated. "So heed my order: Kill yourself, Peasant."
Valente's eyes shot open. He did not tremble so much as vibrate, his body locked in near-complete stillness. Then, less than a second later, the Hangman shook himself like a wet half-breed dog coming out of a river. He appalled wholly undamaged, sending the former Lord a feeling of mild whiplash over his failed command.
–And immediately killed Aspreay four times in response.
It took Aspreay until his fourth death to even notice what was transpiring. The Hangman had been clustering his Orbs together into a physical form, then flinging them as one would flip a coin, each projectile faster than an arrow and far deadlier.
The Hangman Talent bestows death upon all of his attacks, Aspreay calmly thought. Anything his violence touches will result in death. However, he cannot permanently kill me inside my Realm – Noble Guard grants me life.
"What a curious exchange that was," Valente remarked. "I don't suppose I could get you to surrender?"
"It was only curious to an uneducated peasant who never anticipated that he'd stand on a stage of this grandeur," Aspreay fired back. "This result was expected."
Aspreay's opening move had been to use the Realm's First Pillar, the Royal Order, to order the Hangman to kill himself. Anyone or anything inside a Lord's Realm was compelled to heed his command upon its declaration. Yet the move failed to produce an effect – which was also as expected.
"A mere Baron such as myself managed to make an Emperor's Hangman tremble? Pathetic." The Lord sounded proud of his own deed, and mocking of his opponent for allowing him to accomplish it. Neither was a lie for the sake of a taunt, both reflected his heart's truth. "Mayhap today I will slay the Incarnation of Death."
"I have fought Lords before," the Hangman declared. "That Noble Order is your only offensive power. If you can't command me," – Valente flicked three Orbs at Aspreay – "you can't kill me, either."
Each Orb collided with Aspreay's body, piercing it and killing him three times over, to no effect. "Then you should already know," he said, "that the Second Pillar of Realms, the Noble Guard, will keep murder from your fingers as well. While we are inside my Realm, I cannot be slain."
Even if you prove immune to my Orders, Noble Guard affects me, not you. This isn't something that can be changed with raw violence alone. "There are many legends of your might, Hangman. Pray tell – does the legend have a way to pierce through the reality of my Realm's unbreakable laws?"
"Watch and behold the legend you speak of," the Captain spat out. "I daren't spoil the surprise. Even a villain such as yourself wouldn't want to violate a duel's sportsmanship to that degree."
He would.
And did.
Inside a Lord's Realm, everything he desired became his belonging.
The final, Third Pillar of Realms, Divine Knowledge gave Aspreay the answer he craved. Much like the Emperor could track one's position, or even speak directly into their mind, a Baron's Realm could trace an opponent's very thoughts…provided his Realm was small enough.
And Aspreay had refined this one to the size of a single, narrow street.
'If his Realm keeps him invulnerable, all I need to do is to destroy it,' the Hangman thought.
'Were the philistine to think in another language,' Aspreay noted, 'I would not be able to read him so accurately. He lacks the necessary preparation. Powerful, but untrained. A pitiful peasant.'
Images of the Dark Captain's plan flooded Aspreay's mind. They were blurry, yet just distinctive enough to make out: Valente's duel against the Puppet Lord, flying atop the Puppet Mountains.
It was right before the massacre that created a fated tunnel. As Aspreay watched, he saw in his mind how the Hangman had attacked the Puppet Lord's barrier from inside, and–
Imbecile! "Don't do it, peasant!" he cried out. "Don't launch an attack–"
Valente let out an eerie laugh. "You think to stop me, Villain? I know thy weakness! Those invisible Walls of yours are weaker from the inside than the outside, are they not?"
He juggled a number of Orbs with one hand, at first with skill, then seeming to move them as if they were forced to orbit around the wrist. "Once I shatter it, you will fall – like the Puppet villain before you!"
This attack felt different than the others. Before, the Spheres had hardly caused much damage to their surroundings, only bringing death upon Aspreay. Now that the Hangman's aim was the Wall itself, his Spheres had taken on an aura of overwhelming violence. Valente intended to have them explode upon impact.
"Stop!" Aspreay shouted. "You don't understand–!"
In a fraction of a second, Divine Knowledge told him everything he needed. His thoughts now raced faster than his own body could move. Information that should have taken nearly a minute to understand instantly formed inside Aspreay's brain.
Valente did not understand how Walls worked – although he thought he did.
The Hangman had been so young during the Assault on Puppet Mountain that there was barely any hair on his face. He'd only been present on account of his unparalleled genius.
His duel against the Puppet Lord had not been unlike this one, with the monster trapping them both inside a small, reconstructed Realm. At one point, the Hangman's attack missed the Puppet Lord and collided with the Wall, causing the Puppet intense pain. Noticing this, Valente struck at the Wall instead of the Lord, bludgeoning it until the man's Realm collapsed…and then killed him without effort.
From this, his youthful immaturity had drawn a conclusion: that Walls were weaker on the inside than outside, and – more importantly – that you could escape a Realm by assaulting it mercilessly.
YOU FOOL! THEY ARE EQUALLY STRONG!
It was true that damaging the Walls would injure the Lord in ways Noble Guard was unable to protect from. Given time and persistence, a concerned onslaught might undo the Realm itself.
What Valente had missed, though, was that Walls didn't inherently stop things from passing through. Aside from Stained creatures, every other restriction needed to be intentionally added by the Lord.
Aspreay himself, after Reconstructing his Realm in this very duel, had added the Realm Law to match his intentions. He'd banished humans and other living beings from entering or exiting his Realm – a common restriction.
In your memory, as you fought atop the mountain…when you launched your attack on the Wall…it would have destroyed the Puppet's home. Killed countless innocents.
Aspreay bit his lip hard enough to draw blood. You don't understand, you idiot! He could have saved himself! It's not that the barrier was weak – it's that the Lord was forced to endure your attack multiple times to keep you from harming his people!
This isn't the perfect counter you think it is!
The Hangman locked eyes with Aspreay's, as if waiting for a meaningful interruption. Yet try as he might, the Lord couldn't find a way to convey what he knew in the scant few seconds that were available to him. While Divine Knowledge sped up his thoughts, it did little for his speech. I have to try. I have to–
"You'll kill those people!" Aspreay shouted, gesturing at the buildings behind him. It was all he could get out.
And it wasn't enough. How could it be? The Hangman had no reason to listen to him.
Valente flicked his hand, speeding up the rotation orbit of the Orbs around his wrist. He grinned confidently with the sinfully naive smile of a young hero. "With this, your cheating of death shall end, Villain." He whipped his arm away from Aspreay and towards the empty air–towards the Wall–towards the streets.
STOP! "The Walls don't work like you–"
"Behold," Valente declared, "this Meteoric Rain of mine."
The Orbs may as well have been a comet tearing through the heavens. They blazed forward at the building, glowing brighter and redder, converting into a single scarlet sphere that built up speed every passing moment.
To Aspreay, the split second when the Orb collided with his barrier might as well have been an eternity. Clashing sparks flew between them. The sphere vibrated, and the fabric of reality around it seemed as if it was threatening to shatter.
His many thoughts, accelerated by Divine Knowledge, raced and competed with each other for dominance.
I can still stop this, he realized. I'm faster than anyone at Reconstruction. There should still be enough time to add a Law to my Wall. If I trap his attack inside my Realm, it won't hurt any of the common people.
It would cost his life, however.
Aspreay had no doubts about that. Either the transferred damage from his Wall would be enough to tear his body asunder…or he would be left defenseless, his Realm shattered. If he cared about his life – about Vasco's, even – then that just wasn't an option.
But…
"Will you truly not lift the barrier in Penumbria, even in the face of death?" Aspreay had asked the brat.
The Painter opened his eyes and glared. "If I wasn't willing to do this much, I would have had no right to take Penumbria from you."
The memory flooded his mind suddenly and without invitation. Had the Painter been the one here, mayhap…mayhap he would have died to protect the innocent.
'Death won't be enough to stop me,' Aspreay had told Vasco a lifetime ago. 'Just you wait! Together, we shall change the world!'
A few years back, he likely would have, too.
But I am not my yesterday. Today's Aspreay yet yearns for a tomorrow.
Just as suddenly as the clash started – his Wall allowed the Orb through.
Since the first Emperor started his conquest, the Capital had been the Imperial Family's crowning achievement. Not once had it seen bloodshed, its citizens living blissfully unaware of the violence spawned from the Lords and Stained outside. For over three hundred years, this record had been maintained with no small amount of pride by both commoners and nobles alike.
It all ended today.
Upon impact, the Orb swallowed up the building – and its neighbors – in a violent eruption of death. The beautiful Imperial architecture was engulfed by a massive explosion, several structures losing nearly all of their outer walls, most of their back, and collapsing the majority of their floors.
Embers briefly ignited here and there, small flames that danced among the debris like malevolent ghosts cackling at death. For a moment, it was only the sound of those villainous flames, and nothing else, that rang throughout the world.
Inside the translucent barrier, behind the Realm's Walls, the two duelists stood in opposite reactions.
Valente gaped at the carnage. First open-mouthed, then covering it in sheer horror, as if to keep himself from emptying his stomach at the terror of his own creation – at the haunting sight of dozens of shattered corpses and splattered blood. Gazing upon that wrought destruction, the Strongest Man in the World trembled with numb shock, paralyzed by the appalling loss of life.
The villainous Lord had not the luxury of sorrow. Without delay, he seized upon his chance to attack.
Whether someone possessed the strongest sword or the fastest reflexes…they meant nothing when a man was frozen by despair.
Shocked at the consequence of your ignorance? Good. Aspreay dashed forward. Choke on the sin of your naivety and die.
Now a prisoner to mixed thoughts of astonishment, confusion, and guilt, the Hangman hesitated. He raised one trembling hand, a single Orb contained within–
Then dropped it.
'What if that hurts more innocent people?' Valente thought. It was essentially impossible – he was too fast and accurate to miss an attack aimed at a single target. Besides, nothing could go wrong if he simply infused his Orb with death rather than destruction. It was a foolish concern.
'And…and there's no point in attacking,' Valente's mind continued, encouraging him to lower his hand. 'He can keep himself healed, and he can't actually harm me.'
This, of course, was the mindset of a loser. Nothing more than weak rationalizations conjured up to allow Valente to enslave himself to his emotions. Deep inside, the Hangman knew that, although he would never admit it. Pain took over his heart, and he thought to himself, 'Just…just two seconds…I just need a mere two seconds to recompose myself. I deserve that much.'
Aspreay did not waste those 'mere' two seconds.
In his dash, he shortened the distance between them from 27 to 14 meters.
'What is he doing?' the Hangman wondered. 'Why is he approaching me? No! I can't – I can't let him kill any more people!'
Even in his state of numbed shock, enough urgency returned to him that Valente readied an attack. In truth, it was to be expected.
The Dark Captain was, above all else, a genius.
He was inexperienced, uneducated, and poorly trained – but a genius nonetheless. Aspreay's warning had been sufficient for him to realize both his mistake and the gravity of his current situation. Beneath the surface, Valente blamed himself…but for now, he needed to blame Aspreay in order to steady his will and keep fighting.
'It's the Villain's fault,' thought the Hangman. 'He chose to kill innocents instead of losing his Realm.'
Divine Knowledge granted Aspreay knowledge of that thought – and he acted upon it. 'Now is my chance.'
Aspreay undid his Realm.
It was an assault on Valente's rationalizations that shocked him to his core. 'He…he killed dozens of innocents to keep his Realm from shattering. Why is he undoing it right now? I could slay him any moment. I could–'
"–REALM–RECONSTRUCTION–!" Aspreay thundered. Jolts of pain burned in his body, and he ignored them.
Immediately after understanding what transpired, the Hangman fired his death-infused Orb – but the delay proved too much. The Realm had already been rebuilt. In irrational fury, he fired another barrage, yet Noble Guard would not allow the Lord to die, reviving him again and again.
'Why did he bother with all that? He could have died!' Valente desperately tried to gather his thoughts, to recover from the chaotic massacre unleashed upon the city. 'And are Lords able to reconstruct their realms as many times as they want? I thought–'
"Kill yourself, peasant," Aspreay snarled.
At first, its impact wasn't any different from the last time. Valente felt his body momentarily shake, but hardly felt any pain at all. He looked up, grinning, and said, "How many times do I–"
Then it set in.
A feeling of being punched in the gut suddenly had the Captain hunched over, nearly dropping to his knees. What…the? Why is this one harder to resist? What–
Aspreay raised his chin, ignored his pain from the blowback, and sneered at the Hangman. "Pathetic. You truly can't do better with your powers?"
The Hangman's assumption that Aspreay had merely undone and redone his Realm was correct. Yet you didn't notice,' the Lord thought, with contempt, 'that my Realm is smaller now, did you?'
At the start of the duel, Aspreay's realm had been 27 meters long. After the Hangman's barrage of death, during those two seconds he'd been able to move freely, he'd shortened the distance to 14 meters. Then, he called off his Realm and Reconstructed it, but smaller.
It was the same principle as to why his Realm could work at all inside the Emperor's City. 'The smaller and more concentrated a Realm is, the more capable it becomes at slaying heavier giants than itself.' This applied not only to Divine Knowledge, but to Royal Order as well.
Aspreay's battle instincts told him that the Hangman would soon understand what had happened. 'I need to attack his mind,' he reasoned, calmly and coldly. 'He is as the bards sing of him – the Strongest Man in the World. But he lacks experience. He lacks resolve. And…'
Aspreay glared at the man. '...he will lose to me.'
"People died," Valente muttered weakly. "How can you just stand there with nary a tear on your face? How can guilt not overflow from your very being?"
Aspreay let out a derisive laugh. "You would have me feel guilt over not jumping in front of an innocent to shield them from your crossbow? Nay, bastard." He laughed again, as if he was addressing a petitioner in his court, rather than the strongest, most dangerous man in the Empire. "I will not share your sins. They are yours to bear."
"It–it isn't my fault!" Valente cried out. His desperate argument was meant more for himself than for his opponent. "I didn't know, I couldn't have–"
"–Do you think lack of ability justifies your crimes?" Memories of Aspreay's time as Lord of Penumbria flowed into his mind. He did not suppress them. There were dozens, hundreds, thousands of people whose death he'd failed to prevent – that mayhap a different lord could have. "They are your sins. Carry them. Take responsibility. This show of cowardice insults your victims twice; first you kill them, then you feign innocence."
He frowned at the cockroach. "Disgusting."
"But I…" The Hangman shook his head and averted his gaze. "I just–"
He looked away! Aspreay thought. Immediately, he shouted, "Cobblestone: I order you to suffocate the man!"
​
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Link to Part 2

I don't understand, she wrote in her goodbye note that she was sorry for the pain that was about to be felt and what we were about to go through when we found her. Why would she do it then? Was she really not in her right mind if she was capable of understanding and conscious of the pain and chaos she was about to cause and even writing that? Wouldnt the thought that he kids were about to go through hell as expressed in her note been enough to keep her from doing it and going through with it? She knew her son would find her in the garage like that. It's horrific to think someone can do this to their own child. I simply cannot forgive. I can't understand why she would do this, she knew how it would hurt. She knew.

Hi, I guess I’ll start from the beginning. At the beginning of the year around March I had gotten my 3rd UTI of the year. Yes, year. I was on about 4 or 5 antibiotics for a month and a half and could not get it to go away. Finally, the symptoms went away and I have been on a daily regimen taking corn silk pills, d-mannose and using Uqora. I went back to my doctor to do a urine culture to see if I had bacteria in my pee still; no bacteria but they did find hematuria, this was the 2nd culture that they found blood in my urine. The first was a moderate amount and the second was small. My doctor thought I had a kidney stone so I went in for a CT scan and nothing was found. I forgot to mention I made an appointment with a urologist and have an appointment on May 28th for an ultrasound & cystoscopy. Since there was no kidney stone and I am still concerned about the blood in urine, my doctor said having the cystoscopy is the next best plan of action. Now I am going to say, I am a major hypochondriac. I always think there’s something wrong with me, I’ve always thought I’m going to die young, I always think I have cancer, I google my symptoms and fall down deep holes of potential things I could be diagnosed with, I know it’s not good for my mental and physical health but I literally cannot help it. I always feel like I need an explanation or if I can find something that’s similar to my symptoms maybe I’ve discovered what I’m diagnosed with. I have a pelvic pain in my lower left area for about 6 months now. It gets worse when I am curled into the fetal position or bring my knees up to my chest, it hurts after I have sex; almost like a pulsating feeling. I would say the pain is dull and heavy, it almost feels like a pulled groin or that there is a little balloon stuck inside me. My doctor thinks I have endo, so I have LAP surgery on the 28th. My boss said I could have the rest of the week off but is that necessary? From what I’ve been reading online it seems like a very small non invasive surgery. Anyway I’m fucking terrified, I’m more worried about what the results are going to be than the procedures themselves. I do think I have endo, I don’t know why else I would have constant pelvic pain and when I am ovulating it feels like someone is taking a hot poker and branding my entire lower back and lower pelvic area; ovulating hurts WAY worse then my actual period. But myself being a hypochondriac I keep looking for answers until my procedures and now I am convinced I have Pelvic Congestion Syndrome and I’m worried they’re not going to be able to find it because that is a cardio vascular issue. I know my mind will not be at ease until I have the answers, but any advice or knowledge is greatly appreciated

It’s been 2 days since I discovered my fiancé’s infidelity, and I’m struggling to cope.
I’m still in shock and have been crying non-stop for the past two days after I (29F) found out the man (29M) I’ve been with for 9 years (engaged since nov. 2023) has been cheating on me and talking to other women basically our entire relationship. It’s way worse than I could’ve ever imagined. Totally blindsided. The pain is unbearable. I’m just beside myself and feeling so many emotions…anger, deep hurt, sadness, loneliness, confusion.
Long story short- I found out he has multiple accounts on all these different “hookup” sites, and also has secret text apps (like telegram) that he’s been using to message women..tons of women…probably hundreds because he was using so many things including regular social media and texting. Everything was sexual in nature obviously. He also got a girls number from the gym recently and was texting her (and others). I’m sure there’s a million other things that I’ll never know about or see because he’s obviously good at hiding things and lying to my face. He still claims nothing physical happened.
This behavior has been going on for years because messages go way back. I feel sick. It’s so disgusting. I feel awful….just totally betrayed. This is the worst I’ve ever felt. I found out on my birthday too which was the cherry on top.
I’m just so confused, I don’t understand how he could do this to me after everything we’ve been through and all the sacrifices I’ve made for him. He proposed to me ffs….like why would someone do that if they are talking to someone many other women?? Oh and he even messaged someone the night we got engaged.
9 years that he just threw away in the trash, like it never meant anything to him. God it hurts. I was supposed to marry this man. I thought I could trust him.
To make things worse, we’re still living under the same roof. I’m across the country from my family and most of my friends. I don’t have a ton of close friends or a strong support system in the state where I’m currently living. He was my support system. We’re not interacting (been ignoring and avoiding him) and are staying in separate bedrooms obviously, but it’s just making things way harder for me. Our lease is up in July but I know I can’t do this much longer, it’s not healthy.
I’d already have moved out, but I can’t afford to still pay the half of my rent here and rent at a new place. Was also going to fly home, but unfortunately flights out the next few days are extremely expensive and I just can’t afford that right now.
I’ve been trying to get in with a therapist asap, but haven’t heard back yet from any. Hopefully tomorrow.
He’s been begging me for forgiveness, saying he loves me, he’ll change/ go to therapy, how remorseful he is and that he can’t live without me. I know I’ll never be able to trust him again, but it hurts so bad. I’m so sad..my body is aching and I’m scared. Scared because I’ve been with this man for almost a decade and I don’t know what life is without him. We were building a future together.
I really could use some reassurance that things will be okay or words of advice or any sort of hope because right now my world feels like it has been turned upside down. How have others gotten through something like this?

I’m still in shock and have been crying non-stop for the past two days after I (29F) found out the man (29M) I’ve been with for 9 years (engaged since nov. 2023) has been cheating on me and talking to other women basically our entire relationship. It’s way worse than I could’ve ever imagined. Totally blindsided. The pain is unbearable. I’m just beside myself and feeling so many emotions…anger, deep hurt, sadness, loneliness, confusion.
Long story short- I found out he has multiple accounts on all these different “hookup” sites, and also has secret text apps (like telegram) that he’s been using to message women..tons of women…probably hundreds because he was using so many things including regular social media and texting. Everything was sexual in nature obviously. He also got a girls number from the gym recently and was texting her (and others). I’m sure there’s a million other things that I’ll never know about or see because he’s obviously good at hiding things and lying to my face. He still claims nothing physical happened.
This behavior has been going on for years because messages go way back. I feel sick. It’s so disgusting. I feel awful….just totally betrayed. This is the worst I’ve ever felt. I found out on my birthday too which was the cherry on top.
I’m just so confused, I don’t understand how he could do this to me after everything we’ve been through and all the sacrifices I’ve made for him. He proposed to me ffs….like why would someone do that if they are talking to someone many other women?? Oh and he even messaged someone the night we got engaged.
9 years that he just threw away in the trash, like it never meant anything to him. God it hurts. I was supposed to marry this man. I thought I could trust him.
To make things worse, we’re still living under the same roof. I’m across the country from my family and most of my friends. I don’t have a ton of close friends or a strong support system in the state where I’m currently living. He was my support system. We’re not interacting (been ignoring and avoiding him) and are staying in separate bedrooms obviously, but it’s just making things way harder for me. Our lease is up in July but I know I can’t do this much longer, it’s not healthy.
I’d already have moved out, but I can’t afford to still pay the half of my rent here and rent at a new place. Was also going to fly home, but unfortunately flights out the next few days are extremely expensive and I just can’t afford that right now.
I’ve been trying to get in with a therapist asap, but haven’t heard back yet from any. Hopefully tomorrow.
He’s been begging me for forgiveness, saying he loves me, he’ll change/ go to therapy, how remorseful he is and that he can’t live without me. I know I’ll never be able to trust him again, but it hurts so bad. I’m so sad..my body is aching and I’m scared. Scared because I’ve been with this man for almost a decade and I don’t know what life is without him. We were building a future together.
I really could use some reassurance that things will be okay or words of advice or any sort of hope because right now my world feels like it has been turned upside down. How have others gotten through something like this?

Most people still don't know the essence of meditation practice. They think that walking meditation, sitting meditation and listening to Dhamma talks are the practice. That's true too, but these are only the outer forms of practice. The real practice takes place when the mind encounters a sense object. That's the place to practice, where sense contact occurs. When people say things we don't like there is resentment, if they say things we like we experience pleasure. Now this is the place to practice. How are we going to practice with these things? This is the crucial point. If we just run around chasing after happiness and away from suffering all the time we can practice until the day we die and never see the Dhamma. This is useless. When pleasure and pain arise how are we going to use the Dhamma to be free of them? This is the point of practice.
Usually when people encounter something disagreeable to them they don't open up to it. Such as when people are criticized: "Don't bother me! Why blame me?" This is someone who's closed himself off. Right there is the place to practice. When people criticize us we should listen. Are they speaking the truth? We should be open and consider what they say. Maybe there is a point to what they say, perhaps there is something blame-worthy within us. They may be right and yet we immediately take offense. If people point out our faults we should strive to be rid of them and improve ourselves. This is how intelligent people will practice.
Where there is confusion is where peace can arise. When confusion is penetrated with understanding what remains is peace. Some people can't accept criticism, they're arrogant. Instead they turn around and argue. This is especially so when adults deal with children. Actually children may say some intelligent things sometimes but if you happen to be their mother, for instance, you can't give in to them. If you are a teacher your students may sometimes tell you something you didn't know, but because you are the teacher you can't listen. This is not right thinking.
In the Buddha's time there was one disciple who was very astute. At one time, as the Buddha was expounding the Dhamma, he turned to this monk and asked, "Sariputta, do you believe this?" Venerable Sariputta replied, "No, I don't yet believe it." The Buddha praised his answer. "That's very good, Sariputta, you are one who us endowed with wisdom. One who is wise doesn't readily believe, he listens with an open mind and then weighs up the truth of that matter before believing or disbelieving."
Now the Buddha here has set a fine example for a teacher. What Venerable Sariputta said was true, he simply spoke his true feelings. Some people would think that to say you didn't believe that teaching would be like questioning the teacher's authority, they'd be afraid to say such a thing. They'd just go ahead and agree. This is how the worldly way goes. But the Buddha didn't take offense. He said that you needn't be ashamed of those things which aren't wrong or bad. It's not wrong to say that you don't believe if you don't believe. That's why Venerable Sariputta said, "I don't yet believe it." The Buddha praised him. "This monk has much wisdom. He carefully considers before believing anything." The Buddha's actions here are a good example for one who is a teacher of others. Sometimes you can learn things even from small children; don't cling blindly to positions of authority.
Whether you are standing, sitting, or walking around in various places, you can always study the things around you. We study in the natural way, receptive to all things, be they sights, sounds, smells, tastes, feelings or thoughts. The wise person considers them all. In the real practice, we come to the point where there are no longer any concerns weighing on the mind.
If we still don't know like and dislike as they arise, there is still some concern in our minds. If we know the truth of these things, we reflect, "Oh, there is nothing to this feeling of liking here. It's just a feeling that arises and passes away. Dislike is nothing more, just a feeling that arises and passes away. Why make anything out of them?" If we think that pleasure and pain are personal possessions, then we're in for trouble, we never get beyond the point of having some concern or other in an endless chain. This is how things are for most people.
…
The practice of dhamma isn't something you have to go running around for or exhaust yourself over. Just look at the feelings which arise in your mind. When the eye sees form, ear hears sounds, nose smells odors and so on, they all come to this one mind, "the one who knows." Now when the mind perceives these things what happens? If we like that object we experience pleasure, if we dislike it we experience displeasure. That's all there is to it.
So where are you going to find happiness in this world? Do you expect everybody to say only pleasant things to you all your life? Is that possible? No, it's not. If it's not possible then where are you going to go? The world is simply like this, we must know the world — Lokavidu — know the truth of this world. The world is something we should clearly understand. The Buddha lived in this world, he didn't live anywhere else. He experienced family life, but he saw its limitations and detached himself from them. Now how are you as laypeople going to practice? If you want to practice you must make an effort to follow the path. If you persevere with the practice you too will see the limitations of this world and be able to let go.
…
These days giving talks tends to be like this, and it's getting worse all the time. People don't search for truth, they study simply to find the necessary knowledge to make a living, raise families and look after themselves. They study for a livelihood. There may be some study of Dhamma, but not much. Students nowadays have much more knowledge than students of previous times. They have all the requisites at their disposal, everything is more convenient. But they also have a lot more confusion and suffering than before. Why is this? Because they only look for the kind of knowledge used to make a living.
Even the monks are like this. Sometimes I hear them say, "I didn't become a monk to practice the Dhamma, I only ordained to study." These are the words of someone who has completely cut off the path of practice. There's no way ahead, it's a dead end. When these monks teach it's only from memory. They may teach one thing but their minds are in completely different place. Such teachings aren't true.
This is how the world is. If you try to live simply, practicing the Dhamma and living peacefully, they say you are weird and anti-social. They say you're obstructing progress in society. They even intimidate you. Eventually you might even start to believe them and revert to the worldly ways, sinking deeper and deeper into the world until it's impossible to get out. Some people say, "I can't get out now, I've gone in to deeply." This is how society tends to be. It doesn't appreciate the value of Dhamma.
The value of Dhamma isn't to be found in books. those are just the external appearances of Dhamma, they're not the realization of Dhamma as a personal experience. If you realize the Dhamma you realize your own mind, you see the truth there. When the truth becomes apparent it cuts off the stream of delusion.
…
Suppose there was a cart being pulled by an ox. The wheels aren't long, but the tracks are. As long as the ox pulls the cart the tracks will follow. The wheels are round yet the tracks are long; the tracks are long yet the wheels are merely circles. Just looking at a stationary cart you can't see anything long about it, but once the ox starts moving you see the tracks stretching out behind you. As long as the ox pulls, the wheels keep on turning... but there comes a day when the ox tires and throws off its harness. The ox walks off and leaves the empty cart sitting there. The wheels no longer turn. In time the cart falls apart, its components go back into the four elements — earth, water, wind and fire.
Searching for peace within the world you stretch the cart wheel tracks endlessly behind you. As long as you follow the world there is no stopping, no rest. If you simply stop following it, the cart comes to rest, the wheels no longer turn. Following the world turns the wheels ceaselessly. Creating bad kamma is like this. As long as you follow the old ways there is no stopping. If you stop there is stopping. This is how we practice the Dhamma.
https://www.accesstoinsight.org/ati/lib/thai/chah/living.html#living

So this, this takes a lot of contextual details into account, so strap in.
I (27F) have a brother, (33M). The age gap between us is relevant. Growing up, I just wanted to be friends with my brother, he was one of my favorite people in the world even if he did bully me sometimes.
I'm going to provide some examples of his treatment.
When I was about three, he came into my room after I had been put to bed, wearing a mask and holding a butter knife above me. Still afraid of masks to this day.
He would always drink every pitcher of something I made and never make any after finishing it. Sometimes I wouldn't even get a glass. My mom was busy fostering other kids and didn't have time for 'petty squabbles'. Once, I spit in the top of the pitcher and left the lid off so he could see it. He yanked away the bowl of cereal I was eating and spit in it, shoving it back so hard some spilled on me. I had just hit preteen age and was really sick of just taking his crap, so I splashed it back at him. He threw me to the ground and started hitting me. My mom heard the fighting and told us we were both at fault, so he never got punished.
One time, my parents busted him with drugs. There was a screaming match and he was only home from college for the holidays. Once he left, I felt safe to come out of my room again and was at the dining room table drawing or doing winter break worksheets or something. I think I was around 14. My brother came back in and got something from the kitchen before going back down to his room in the basement, but he said some snarky comment to me before going down. I hadn't even said anything or made a noise to warrant it. What I said in turn was 'At least I don't do drugs.' The next second, I was pulled up by my neck and my brother slammed me into the wall. Things are kind of foggy, but my next memory is waking up on the floor and crying for our parents. I'm not really sure what the punishment for that was. I think he just left and went back to college early to avoid it.
After the fight this post is actually about, I learned from my mom that he actively denied that this ever happened. I was really traumatized about it. The drug he claimed to be on became an almost catastrophic trigger. I would feel hands on my throat and the darkness closing in again at the mere mention of it, it could send me into a panic attack. I've gotten better about my reaction to it, but I still refuse to have it anywhere around me or in my life. It's a socially accepted drug, so it's cost me more than a few relationships. When I heard he denied it, I looked at my mom and said, how many times have I lied versus him? And why would I make up something like that? She's seen the reactions. I broke up with a guy I really liked because he refused to keep it away from me. If I saw a scene in a TV show when it was more recent, I would curl up into a ball and couldn't talk, my throat felt so tight, I just cried. I'd like to know how or why I would have faked reactions like that. She never really believed him since he was known to lie, but it was still appalling he tried to lie about something so severe.
And that's not all! Once, my mom kicked him out when she snapped at him for his dog hurting our dogs and he called her a bitch, living rent free with our parents at 27 after failing through college due to partying. My mom had enough and told him to get out. He texted me and asked if he could stay with me for the night, despite me being away at college 2 hours from our town. I didn't think my mom did anything wrong, but I couldn't bring myself to leave him alone like that. I still loved him, even after all that up there.
So I said yes. I lived in an apartment near campus with a roommate, and we each had our own bedroom and ensuite bathroom, plus the kitchenette and a living room we shared. I had a 'friend' at the time- I asked him if he could possibly bring some booze over for my brother, giving a quick run down of the situation, and he agreed that yeah, the man probably needed a drink (I wasn't old enough to purchase alcohol, so I asked him). All three of us hung out on the porch to make sure we didn't disturb my roommate until around 3 AM, where my brother's drunk comments are making me really uncomfortable so my 'friend' suggests we head to bed, since we have class in the morning, too. Friend regularly sleeps with me in my bed, so its not an issue. And I cleared the couch in the shared living room with my roommate before I told my brother it was okay. So I go in first, change into pajamas, and then let my brother in to do all the bathroom stuff he needed before bed. I'm laying down and half asleep when I'm yanked out of bed by my arm and forcibly pushed through my own door, my brother demanding my bed. 'Friend' gently stood up for me and reminded him that I was already being generous by letting him stay at all, he could at least respect me. My brother did not like that. He started slurring angry stuff at both of us and collecting his dog's toys, saying that he'll just drive all the way home if I'm going to be like this. This is after he consumed like, half a bottle of fireball. So that was NOT happening. I'm standing in the way of the front door and blocking it once my brother finally finds his keys and he starts pulling me away and hurting me. 'Friend' tackled him and pinned him to the ground in an old highschool wrestling hold. I snatch the keys and run into the kitchenette, remove the sink filter, and hold the keys close in case I have to throw them down the drain in desperation. My brother is screaming and hurling insults left and right and I'm deeply traumatized already because of his violence towards me and from the vitriol just makes me cry really hard. My roommate knows I'm quiet and the noise wakes her up and she asks what the hell is going on. I try to explain but I'm basically in hysterics and 'friend' explains for me, while calmly still pinning my brother. Roomie was in nursing school and turned on the Nurse Voice immediately to address my brother. She tells him she just lost a friend to a drunk driver, and it is not responsible to drive in this state. She'll perform sobriety tests periodically and when he passes, he can go. And if he continues and tries to leave, she will call the cops on him for drunk driving, and my 'friend' and I could probably tell the cops about the violence, too. Around 5 AM he was finally sober enough to pass and his last words to me were 'I hope you fucking like mom and dad, because we aren't family anymore'. It shattered me.
He didn't talk to me for 2 years.
I got presents when I came home on my birthday and christmas from him during that time, and my parents said he was busy working and left the presents early with them, he was still annoyed but we were family. I believed it. I later realized that my parents were lying and covering up for him because they knew it would have broken my heart.
At some point after that, he started turning himself around. He never really apologized for any of the things he did to me. But I let him back into my life anyway, because I loved him, and I had always wanted my brother to be my friend. Our family is really small. I was just happy to jump at the chance to hang out with him again. He ended up with a girlfriend and he bought a house where they both stayed, so I finally had a place to actually visit him since he had been more or less couch surfing until then. I was so excited. My brother was older and more mature, and he had his own house now! We could finally be close!
Obviously... That wasn't how things turned out.
Why exactly none of us like his girlfriend is a different, long story. But suffice it to say, we all pretty much hated her and hated that he was with her. She basically forbade us from being over at his house very much. I tried to overlook the crappy things she had done to us, because she and I shared a lot of traits and interests. I would have a cool sister! Now? It disgusts me that we share anything in common. Point is, I would still keep trying to be friendly with both of them. There came a day when I sat my brother down and had a real conversation with him. When he was truly sad, he seemed to come to me. He told me he wasn't happy with her. He just was terrified of being alone. He was really afraid of her being a mother, due to her mental and medical state, and the fact that she was so lazy around the house (working from home, too). And that was the last time I was over at his house, because we heard the girlfriend's comforter rustling and he panicked and shoo'ed me out of the house before she realized I was there. That was about 3 years ago.
I kept being really excited when he was over for holidays. But he was over for less and less, because they went with her family more, or she wanted to go home. He wouldn't show up on birthdays the day of, or even the weekend. It'd be like two weeks later, and it was almost always gift cards for my parents. Like jesus christ, the least you could do is hand your parent the card on their birthday. Anyway, I would always ask him to hang out later on and he'd say yeah, then back out at the last minute. It stung every time. I started asking less and less. It got to the point where he would even back out of playing animal crossing with me online, from the comfort of his own home. That's when I gave up. He used to text me once in a while with memes, at least. But that stopped long ago. I realized that I was the only one putting effort into our relationship, and it crushed me.
I'm not going to lie, I became really bitter about his girlfriend. When he announced they were engaged, none of our family was happy. But I managed to save the relationship between all of us by apologizing over text and pointing out that all our faces dropped with pain and confusion because he was referring to his fiancee by a nickname, that was also the name of our dog that had passed only a month ago. Which, that's partially true, that's definitely why my face looked shattered. I wasn't happy, but I wasn't going to bring it up.
As my brother got older and started making healthier decisions, I kept up hope that one day he'd come to his senses. Either ditch the fiance or put more effort into family relationships. But I started losing hope really quickly. I dreaded the day when they would tell us a wedding date or that a baby was on the way.
Mother's day came, and my brother backed out of brunch with my mom, stating he was tired from having breakfast with fiance's mom (yeah. yeah, that was a pretty common theme and just one more reason we didn't like them together). So he'd take her out the next weekend. Last year he backed out after being twenty minutes late because he took his fiancee to urgent care for one of her usual and frequent migraines. He kept telling us he wouldn't be long. Get her a refill on the injections she would use and come to us. An hour and a half later, he said to go home and that he was sorry, we'd reschedule.
He never rescheduled.
So, up comes the make up brunch for my mom this year. I had already given her my present, so she had at least some mother's day celebration. I woke up with a pretty bad headache and immediately downed allergy pills and advil so I could make it through brunch at least, for my mom's sake and to see if my brother had changed any. At this point in the relationship with my brother, I'm pretty bitter. I went back and checked my texts while we were waiting for him in the restaurant. The last text between my brother and I was January of this year. And it was me asking if hypothetically could I stay with him if my mom threw me out (I've asked it before many times, and he would say yes-- It's not really likely that my mom would throw me out, but I have kind of bad anxiety and it makes me feel better to have back up plans). He said 'uh maybe very short term it would be hell with my dogs and schedule lol' and I just stared at the text. He asked if I had considered getting my own place-- Well, yes, I have, but I really can't bring myself to do it because it would mean separating my family's two dogs (technically one is mine, ones is my parents', but they're so attached to each other) and I couldn't just leave my dog behind either. I told him not to worry, because mom had calmed down.
But back to breakfast. I'm usually a little more lively around my brother and usually try to talk to him a lot, about anything, or something I'm excited about. Between my bitterness and the headache, I didn't say more than 40 words through the whole meal, I think. The two times my brother spoke to me at all were to mansplain to me about my favorite Fallout character (its Hancock, he uses drugs, but you can get him off them if you do his friendship arc). He asked me if I'd seen the show yet. I told him no, because I asked a friend to watch through it and see if Hancock's drug use was too frequent or severe before I started it. And then he asked me who Hancock was. And I was like??? The guy with the lasagna face? Turns out Hancock is actually the main character of the show. He pretty much talked down to me 'you know they're not real drugs, right, they just exist in the universe. he takes his inhaler everyday'. Internally I'm like 'No you fucking moron, they're real drugs, with different names. If you paid attention to crafting or lore, you would realize that. You need fertilizer to make the drug you're talking about (jet)-- you know, like people who will shit in a bag and huff it. Buffout is basically steroids. And Hancock decreases his drug use if you become close with him, but sure, tell me about my favorite character you know shit about, not even his fucking name.' But I say none of this. I just return to being quiet and slowly eating my food. The other time he talked to me was when I asked the waitress if my mom could have a redo on her eggs because they weren't the cook she asked for (which, also, this is big for me! I have severe anxiety and ordering food is so hard, much less speaking up about an inconsistency) and my mom was so grateful. She didn't want to make a fuss, but I would, for her. When the lady took the eggs back he's all shitty like 'you know that if they fuck it up the first time, then they probably can't make it right, don't you' and I just looked at him and didn't bother responding. Like, okay. You assume its just one person back there making eggs? If one was screwed, either they would just refire it with extra care or one of the other line cooks would do it. I watch a ton of Kitchen Nightmares and Hells Kitchen, so I think I'm a little more familiar with the back of house or how the line works than my brother. And that people don't actually usually mess with your food for simple or reasonable requests. But he doesn't know that (actually, I roped my mom into Hell's Kitchen, and we then further roped my dad in, so Hell's Kitchen is now a Family Event), because of course he doesn't, he never asks about me or my interests. By the end of brunch, I'm just kind of pissed off, and my head is aching. We're walking out and my brother hands my mom a card. She opens it up and it says something something something grandma and opens on a sonogram. And I'm just so done with everything. I mutter to myself 'are you fucking kidding me'. My mom is putting up a good effort in being nice to soon to be wife and while personally, this disgusts me and crushed my spirit, I was not focused on the baby talk. I did manage to pick up his fiance saying 'oh yeah well i'm not on speaking terms with my family at the moment, so i have to talk to SOMEONE'S family haha' (like wow, okay, tell us you don't consider us family until we're a back up plan a little louder). We were out in the sun, it was hot, and my head was pounding. After a few minutes I asked 'can we go now' and my brother got shitty with me, because the world revolves around him (god forbid he had sympathy for a migraine given his own fiancee, but he didn't even notice to care that I said less than 50 words) and snapped at me that 'You don't have to be here, no one invited you'. And I was just done. I walked away closer to the car and I didn't catch it but my mom glared daggers at him and said that she had invited me. Then my brother said the thing that was the last straw.
'That's some fucking family for you.'
I was engulfed in rage. He put us on the back burner, barely spoke to us, minimized visits for his girlfriend's comfort, and yet somehow, he decided I was shitty family? I did his homework for him when I was a child and he was in high school. I always was there for him when he got depressed or existential crisis now and then. I advocated for my parents to make up with him after the fight where my mom kicked him out. When he tried to finish his degree since he only had one semester left when he really fucked it up, he asked ME for help, because he would need the help in the last core class he needed- Calculus. I was STILL IN HIGHSCHOOL. And I agreed! (He never ended up going, but that's not the point). I was the one who reminded my parents of what desserts he liked for family gatherings. I was the one who would dogsit for him when he would just leave without telling anyone, because he knew if I heard the dog cry in its crate I would feel bad and release it, and that I wouldn't put it away in a crate if I was home because I felt bad. I was the one that tried to convince my parents to give his fiance a second chance. I made 300 fake facebook accounts years ago before verification was a thing to vote for his band to headline a medium large concert for a decently known band.
He used to steal my things to pawn them for drug money. He would threaten to say goodbye to my chao when I reminded him it was my turn to play. He would call me a dependent loser for not having 'x' life skill already when he didn't have it at my age either, and long after that! He used physical force against me several times. He would purposely taunt me with things I was afraid of. He repeatedly cut me off and didn't talk to me for a while over some petty thing he got angry about, but 2 years was the longest ever by at least a year. He would use me as a kid to ask our parents about something he wanted, and me being a kid, would go along with it because I loved him and wanted to make him happy. He decided to spend one summer with his girlfriend in California or whatever during highschool and I was crushed and asked him if we would be able to hang out any before the next school year started because he would go away for college and he laughed in my face. He always used me as the soundboard to vent about my parents (again, I am much younger than him)! He would constantly make fun of me that I had no friends and that I would be alone all my life, and that continued through adulthood, too. He would talk down to me about my chosen second family/people I met online long distance. He would make fun of things I liked all the time knowing that I found his opinion important.
I had done nothing but love him my entire life, and he barely acknowledged me in his.
So I fucking lost it. I started screaming back at him (in public, in a parking lot, loud-- all things that are important because I have severe anxiety and hate making a spectacle, this was how far things had gotten) about how he was an ungrateful piece of shit and he had personally told me he wasn't happy with her and that she would be a terrible mother and all I wanted was for him to be happy but I'm shitty family? He resorted to his standard argument when he has no argument- Puff out his chest and say 'lay a hand on me, lay a hand on me'. My parents were so shocked by the fact that I had an outburst like that, they couldn't react for a moment. Neither of them told me off, at any point. My dad started to redirect me towards the car to end the argument and my brother has one last clapback 'remember when you asked to move in with me? yeah, this is wh--' I cut him off by screaming about when he asked ME to stay with me in my apartment and threw me out of my own room, and his only comeback was 'it wasn't YOUR apartment, it was THEIR apartment' pointing to my parents, because like for him, they paid for my accommodations in college. I had enough. I told him to never fucking contact me again, because he is NOT my fucking family, he chose his family and he is dead to me. And I got in the car. Didn't listen to another word.
My parents stayed out there with my brother and his fiance for a while. I hadn't known anything that had gone on until later when talking to my mom.
Again, neither one of them scolded me a single bit when they got in the car. They just gave me this really apologetic look because they knew how sad and hurt I had to be to finally cut him out of my life for good. I was really wound up and stressed out and I sort of asked my mom to choose between us-- Poor wording on my part, but I needed to be supported. My brother always got away with treating me like shit without any consequences-- And me not being in his life wasn't a consequence either, because his life would not change without me in it. She kinda got cross with me by saying she would never abandon either of us and I took it as 'you're enabling this by keeping contact, and saying that it's okay for him to treat me like this' and I went to my room. I shut my door and started sobbing my eyes out. My mom had heard me through two door and down the hall and she came to hug me. And I asked her straight up like 'what's going to happen at the wedding? are you going to go if he doesn't invite me?' Because like I said, he never had consequences for treating me like garbage my entire life. I wanted there to be SOME form of consequence. She did reassure me that if he pulled that move, neither one of my parents would go. We had a long talk about how it really hurt my feelings the way she said she wouldn't abandon either of us because, you know, at the time, it really felt like she wasn't supporting me with that choice. But I had also worded my question really poorly, being so upset and all. I told her how I felt about him not ever having any repercussions so I needed my parents to at least back me up on that. They don't plan on contacting him much, but won't outright abandon him if he needs something. But if it comes down to it, like if the wedding invite doesn't come, they would support me over my brother. And she had made it clear to him that family is like a totem pole, and on that totem pole, I definitely was higher than him.
A few days later, I was telling her how it still really hurt. I don't regret what I did and I will never take it back, but it pained me to know how little I really meant to him. I think I was hoping that the shock of me finally giving up on him would ring some alarm bells in his head. We were talking about it and she ended up conversationally giving me more details about what had happened after I got in the car and the aftermath. Apparently after my outburst, the fiance started walking away crying that 'first she didn't have her family, and now she doesn't have his family either'.
Remember how she said she wasn't on speaking terms with her family? Her older brother and his wife have a child that their mom babysits sometimes. They're considering another child, via IVF. The fiance is mad that her baby won't be her mom's priority if they have another child and that her brother was hogging their mom to babysit.
Yeah. Gee, wonder why they won't talk to you anymore either.
And she told my mom about the moving in comment, that it was just because she didn't want their large dogs to shred my small dog, or anything worse, because she would feel horrible (I don't believe this for a second, it was another convenient excuse). My mom looked at her and asked if she was serious, because I never would have brought my dog over there. Again, because of how happy she is with her sister. The fiance actually looked shocked at this information, indicating that my brother was up to his old lying was again.
Speaking of my brother, apparently he told my parents that he would never come over here again as long as I live here. And honestly? That's fine with me. I don't want him in this house. I am agoraphobic and my home is like a sanctuary. My mom and I were talking about how ridiculous this all is and how entitled they are, and I mention that it occurred to me that they were suddenly invested in being a family now that she's pregnant and definitely getting married (and after she won't speak to her family) and I wouldn't be surprised if they only told us and played the 'family' card because they had expected me to be my normal gentle and loving self. That it seemed convenient, and I couldn't help but think they had only allowed us in on the news expecting a baby shower gift or wedding gift. Or for me to arrange the baby shower-- Fiance doesn't have a sister, isn't talking to her mom, and doesn't have that many female friends (shocker). My mom sighed and said it wouldn't surprise her either if they had expected me to be their baby sitter for the same reason, just like I took care of his dog because I couldn't refuse it with my soft heart. And honestly, I had thought that too, but I dismissed the thought because it seemed too much like they would consider me for that. But my mom had the same idea, so it couldn't be that far off.
She told me she had reached out to my brother one last time, after the initial fight, after she had comforted me from the violent sobbing and saw just how much it hurt. The gist was just 'you should really apologize to your sister, all she ever really wanted from you was for you to acknowledge her as part of your life. our family is small, and it hurts to see you two like this. All it takes is an invite to hang out now and again, that's all she wants. I hope you can figure this out. Enjoy the rest of your weekend, I love you'.
My brother's response was 'I am not handling this situation right now'.
And it really hit me. He wasn't willing to do the bare minimum of an apology and spending any time with me at all. I laughed bitterly and told my mom he probably thinks that by the time his birthday rolls around I'll feel bad and come back to him-- He'll have a nasty surprise coming.
I'm pretty sure I'm not the asshole here. But between my anxiety, my hurt, and just the long history of me forgiving my brother because I love him, I keep wondering if maybe I shouldn't have. I go back and forth between thinking that I was wrong and that I was just showing off my shiny new backbone.
So, AITA for cutting contact with my brother and his pregnant fiance?