Nasal congestion, ear ache

hey!
here’s what I look like
I’m in the midwest, in the middle of my phd, using the sacred few hours of sleep I got to scroll reddit while binging on the trashiest reality TV and early 00s MTV music videos
tbh, since moving here I’ve been aching to meet people that aren’t related to my professional or academic sphere, and rarely got the time to do much outside the lab, so, here I am, it seems meeting people online could be good bet :o
some random trivia

• my work is on machine learning and proteins
• love running and cycling, pretty much any heavy cardio activity
• love playing soccer but suck at it
• love signing but suck at it
• love drawing but suck at it
• I only sing in spanish, because I got a thiccc accent and feel a bit self-conscious singing in english
• expert in early 00s shitty pop music
• best disney movie is ratatouille
• most overrated disney movie is up
• love dancing cumbia and bachata… and actually do not suck at it! lmao
• can move my ears on command
• have lived in 4 countries, 6 cities, 2 continents
• I’m trying to get into video games. help? I have a swtich, xbox, and pc
• not a fan of scifi or fantasy :(
• once got jump-scared by a possum while riding my bike
• knows two and a half languages
• love crafts (specially origami) and playing the accordion

here are two truths and a lie

• I was personally invited to a fancy rooftop party by a google hotshot, but bailed on it
• a mexican bill saved my life while I was stranded in serbia
• I was suspended from middle school for burning a whiteboard with body spray and a lighter

If you're interested in talking, send me a line about yourself!

 I’m currently a year and a half out from my EAS. I’ve always been the “I’m not hurt unless something is broken” type of guy, so I’ve hardly had tours on light duty within my time in the Corps, I am also an active fighter and honestly I’ve taken pretty good care of my body in terms of staying physically fit and ensuring I properly recover from injury. My questions are these: 

Should I start going to medical for my minor aches and pains?
Should I actually claim the ringing in my ears?
If I’ve been receiving off base chiropractic care for 4 years without medical knowing, should I bring that up? (Pretty sure that’s a no brainer)
Should I hide the fact that I actively fight and train martial arts while going through my transition out of the military?

 I honestly feel like a freeloader trying to get any kind of compensation from the VA, however, I’ve seen countless Marines get out that are perfectly fine and were able to get a 70,80, or even 100% disability rating, so I figured if I sit and think about what’s bothering me I could easily name a few injuries connected to my time in the Marine Corps. 

Main things being: Constant back pain, constant neck pain, trouble sleeping, tendinitis, tinnitus, hair loss, anxiety

I’m taking 5mg for 3 days now and felling it like a small dose of MDMA. Nasal speaking, I’m eared, dry mouth… Is that ok for first couple weeks?

hey!
here’s what I look like
I’m in the midwest, in the middle of my phd, using the sacred few hours of sleep I got to scroll reddit while binging on the trashiest reality TV and early 00s MTV music videos
tbh, since moving here I’ve been aching to meet people that aren’t related to my professional or academic sphere, and rarely got the time to do much outside the lab, so, here I am, it seems meeting people online could be good bet :o
some random trivia

• my work is on machine learning and proteins
• love running and cycling, pretty much any heavy cardio activity
• love playing soccer but suck at it
• love signing but suck at it
• love drawing but suck at it
• I only sing in spanish, because I got a thiccc accent and feel a bit self-conscious singing in english
• expert in early 00s shitty pop music
• best disney movie is ratatouille
• most overrated disney movie is up
• love dancing cumbia and bachata… and actually do not suck at it! lmao
• can move my ears on command
• have lived in 4 countries, 6 cities, 2 continents
• I’m trying to get into video games. help? I have a swtich, xbox, and pc
• not a fan of scifi or fantasy :(
• once got jump-scared by a possum while riding my bike
• knows two and a half languages
• love crafts (specially origami) and playing the accordion

here are two truths and a lie

• I was personally invited to a fancy rooftop party by a google hotshot, but bailed on it
• a mexican bill saved my life while I was stranded in serbia
• I was suspended from middle school for burning a whiteboard with body spray and a lighter

If you're interested in talking, send me a line about yourself!

I can't calm down
May 11 I'm having fast heartbeat that makes me cause shortness of breath
May 15 I have runny nose and cough , sinus/head pressure
May 18 feels like my jaw near ear is paining like a TMJ and still heavy head pressure
May 20 I'm having muscle twitches all over my body even at my Right face I am panicking so hard and head ache.
Until now it's happening to me
Could I have rabies? I didn't take tetanus toxoid Only anti rabies 3rd dose since may 4 . What if this is tetanus???? ir rabies developing. .. idk I can't have a peaceful day without thinking abt rabies since my 1st dose I am really aware to my body and what I feels everyday...

As the title states I have been using the squeeze bottle of saline nasal rinse to help with my congestion. The last two times I’ve used it I vomited soon after I’m not sure what’s causing it. My mom said I could be swallowing a little bit of the saline but not sure what exactly is causing this. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks!

Hi! My 8 year old/F/60 lbs. had their tonsils + adenoids removed a year ago and is still mouth breathing from time to time. I've noticed lately some light snoring at night too especially on their back. She has not been sick lately or else l'd chalk it up to nasal congestion but l'm beginning to get a little concerned with mouth breathing face etc after doing some google searches. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. TIA

33F, USA, 5’8, 143lbs, 7 weeks pregnant.
I have horrible reflux when pregnant but last time it didn’t start till the third trimester. I had never had reflux before that so far as I know. My throat constantly feels constricted and it hurts so badly every day. Food feels stuck, sometimes it’s hard to swallow. It’s painful to read books and sing to my toddler because of how much my throat hurts every day (it’s not strep). The pain also spreads to my ears and makes my ears feel congested on and off. In my last pregnancy third tri, I would wake up gasping for air which I was told was due to the reflux—it felt like there was liquid in my throat.
I have explained this to doctors and I’ve seen two ENTs. I was prescribed several different meds last time and they did nothing. I ordered a $40 natural remedy today only to find out it has licorice root so I can’t take it while pregnant.
Other than avoiding trigger foods which I already do, is there anything else I can do that I might help? I’m vegan so this rules out a lot of problem foods but I’m also avoiding citrus, coffee, tomato, chocolate, fried foods, etc.
I know sleeping on an incline can help. Unfortunately my sleeping arrangements prevent it at the moment.

The seven brothers of sin shifted uncomfortably behind me, their eager eyes watching me form a plan outside of a raging night club. The ruby lights flashed with the music, the boys looking rather uncomfortable in their designer black suits. Lowering a pair of sunglasses over my eyes, the club Blood Moon was getting a call. Flipping my dagger in between my fingers, my scarlet Jessica Rabbit dress had slits on both sides to allow me to move. Tucking my dagger into my cleavage, the boys had their weapons spinning in their palms. Sneaking in wasn't going to happen, the boys proving to be too eager to cause serious damage.
“We need to raid the tower to find Moonvanya. Your task is to fight off her bodyguards.” I commanded with a sad smile, all of them missing Croak as much as me. “I miss Croak as well but I have a feeling she will reincarnate as something close to us.” Lust cleared his throat, his hand running through his navy waves. What was this guy going to say? Nothing could make me feel better about my current situation.
“She will reincarnate as your first baby between Morte and you.” He spoke simply, smiling to himself. “She spoke as much to me a couple of weeks before she departed. I thought it was the sweetest thing that she wants you to be her mother.” Scarlet as bright as my dress painted my cheeks, my eyes refusing to meet his. The others attempted to comfort me, the words falling on deaf ears. My last mission taught me something and that help was always around me, Morte begging for me to begin to ask for it. That didn't mean that I had to listen to him all the time.
“Color me happy for the honor of raising her in the future.” I chirped cheerfully, their nerves easing a bit. “Time to destroy the party.” Plucking a bomb from my pocket, a devilish smile twisted across my face the moment I ripped out the top of my smoke bomb. Tossing it over my head, the miniature ball rolled into the club. Popping antidote pills into our mouth, the sleeping gas wouldn’t have an effect on us. Leaping over the bushes, a cloud of onyx smoke filled the entire building. Running in through the chaos, the stairs caught my eyes. Leaping over the chaos, the female representation of the seven sins blocked our path to the top. Raising their weapons, devilish grins illuminated their features. Weapons of all types whistled by my head, Lust shouting for me to go ahead. Watching the demons battle for me, guilt had hesitation holding me back. Motioning for me to go, my shimmering scarlet boots clicking up the stairs. Sounds echoed down the hall, I hid in the shadows. Two bodyguards twice my height and three times as muscular were seconds from coming down the flight of stairs I was on, the full moon masks obscuring their faces. Shadow snakes slithered down my arms, shadowy energy building round the heel of my boots. Hovering around the corner, the timing had to be perfect. Seconds from rounding the corner, my muscles groaned in protest the moment I lifted my foot over my head. Slamming my heel into the landing, pure energy shattered the stairs beneath them. Spinning on my toes with my other leg straight in the air, another ball of energy built around my boots. Swinging my feet towards their heads, the snaps of their necks breaking had nausea wracking my stomach. Hissing echoed in the air as my snakes devoured their bodies in seconds. Climbing what remained of the stairs, a low growl had the hairs standing on the back of my head. A scaled dragon creature charged at me, the monster belonging to Stormana. Assessing its energy, the monster smelled of her. Putting the pieces together, it was merely a piece of her. Digging at the concrete underneath, the inky black scales shimmered as it scurried towards me. Pushing off the concrete, the monster snarled the moment I landed on its head. Running along its long body, this would be an opportune time for me to figure out what damaged our newest enemy Stormy. Pushing off its swinging tail, my dagger expanded to its full form. Slamming the tip towards the scales, sparks flew back with me. Smashing into the wall, plaster rained down on me. The scales were impenetrable, my shadow snakes howling in pain. Clutching my side, their pain was mine. Silent tears danced down my cheeks, the monster tearing them to pieces. Struggling to my feet, my guardians needed me. Horror rounded my eyes at a ball of flames crackling to life in its mouth. Calling them back, they slithered back into my palm. My blade shrank down to a dagger, most of my powers fading while my snakes worked to heal themselves. Croak would bound in about now, my heart aching for her. Struggling to my feet, the fight wasn’t over. Cuts appeared on my skin, several organs bursting. Sinking to my knees, a flash of wild scarlet curls caught my eyes. Watching my blood pool around me, an invisible weapon had been used on me. The creature bounding towards me tripled, a groan oozing of agony pouring from my lips. Falling forward, the feeling of hot air lashing at my cheeks had me frantically feeling around for my emergency bomb. Rolling it to my trembling hand, a tear of the trigger had it ticking. Using the rest of my strength had it flying into its stomach. Bracing myself for impact, a slender but muscular arm scooped me up. Hel smiled down at me, her blade spinning in her palm. Covering me with her body, blood and guts rained down onto her crimson leather jacket. Checking me over for my wounds, a low growl rumbled in her throat. Don't die for me too, you freaking idiot.
“Let me take this one, my dear friend.” She pleaded while mixing a healing potion, pure rage burning in her eyes. “Drink this like a good friend.” Forcing the vial into my mouth, a thick liquid coated my throat on the way down. Crashing up the stairs, nothing came into focus. Neon green smoke curled around me, Eris slapping my cheeks to wake me up.
“Come on, girl. We need you.” She begged with neon tears in my eyes, her hand hovering over my heart. “Stormana is heading our way and we don’t stand a chance.” Helping me to my feet, our target’s head hit the tip of my boot. Praying for the gods to heal me to fight their enemy, a golden glittering ray encompassed me. Reversing any damage, a dark energy had swallowed the area. Extending my dagger to its full length, Eris and Hel protested as I climbed onto the nearest ledge. Turning back to face them, a quiet smile lingered on my lips. Jumping off, smoke scented air nipped at my cheeks. Landing on a tree branch, the wood groaned the moment I lowered myself onto the pavement. Kicking off my boots, an eerie female voice called for me. Sprinting towards the source, the branches clawed at my cheeks. Pushing through the pain, my team caught up to me. Remembering how Croak ended, the others paled at my words. No one was dying by her hands under my watch.
“Don’t follow me and help the victims get out of the building safely. The very thing is about to buckle.” I ordered tersely, Eris and Hel begging to come along. “I can’t have you guys come either. That is how Croak died. If I were to lose any of you, I don’t know how sane I would be after that.” Crunching back towards the screaming people, Stormy was my problem and mine alone. Continuing to dart in between the trees, the branches dug their fingers into my flesh once more. Catching sight of her, I hid behind a tree. Resting for a second, her dragon eyes scanned the surrounding trees. Couldn't she leave us alone!
“Back to play, my little rat.” She teased with a maniacal giggle, her Cheshire Cat grin growing wider. “No backup this time. Did I scar you?” Chills ran up my spine at the last statement, mixed emotions flashing in my eyes. The color drained from my cheeks, the image of her cutting down Croak paralyzing me. No enemy had scared me to this point, discreet weeps pouring from my lips. Croak, I needed Croak. Bowing my head in shame, Lust’s words had a smile curling on my lips. Yes, I could go home and bring her back into my life. Storm clouds rumbled to life, a heavy rain washing the blood off of my skin. Using the storm to cover my movements, my breath hitching with each step. Coming up behind her, sparks danced in the air the moment our blades met. Her golden flame sword glowed in the deepening darkness, determination showing in my defiant smile.
“Not today! You will never scare me!” I shouted through a wall of tears, raw fury doubling my powers. “Your head on my wall will be your payment for taking her away. Croak had no business dying that day, you fucking monster!” Swinging her blade towards me, frustration grew in her face at how easily I dodged it. Slamming the tip of my blade into the dirt, a blast of shadowy energy shot her into the dark clouds. Tracking where she would land, golden flames had me ducking behind a rock. Burying my head into my arms, flames torched the rock protecting me. Strength was on her side, my wit would have to make up the difference. Today wasn’t a battle to decide the winner but how she fought. Sure, the blows would sting but more information would be gathered. Poking my head up, Stormy was nowhere to be seen. Trusting my intuition, an annoyed great flowed from my lips at her popping up over me. Rolling out of the way, sparks fluttered with ash upon her claw’s contact with the rock. Jumping to my feet, her way wasn’t going to flourish under my retaliation. Summoning a few of my snakes, terror rounded my eyes at the golden flame dragon roaring behind her. Cocking her head to the left with a crazed grin, a bead of sweat dripped off of her brow. Scanning her for a vulnerable spot, her horns glittered at the right moment. Ordering my snakes to keep the dragon busy, bark groaned as I leapt onto the nearest branch. Jumping from branch to branch, the angle of my strike had to be deadly accurate. My shadow snakes twirled around the dragon, something preventing them from burning. Picking up on the change in my own scent, the slight scent of a cloud reminded me of how gods smelled. The opportunity presented itself, a kick off the branch giving enough speed to propel myself at her. Swinging my blade over my head, the sound of her horns snapping off had us both stunned. Hitting the dirt with her horns, dark blood poured down her face. Golden flames whisked her away, the surplus of energy had me too paralyzed to move. Reaching for her horns, my fingers curled around the smallest parts. Hugging them close to my chest, something had been gained from this pointless fight. Thousands of voices whispered in my ears, Hel scooping me up. Wishing that the chaos would die down, no such luck would be granted. Carrying me into the clouds, pride shimmered in her eyes. Not grasping what was going on, her slender hands set me down in front of the lead god in his flowing robes and golden mask. Resting on my haunches, the horns hit my lap. Scrambling to catch them, those darn things were my prize. Panic twisted my features at the sight of an empty chair, my anxious mind wondering what divine punishment was coming my way. Wasting no time, his big hand slid on a jet black snake mask over my face. Draping a matching cloak over me, nothing was getting pieced together in my mind. What the hell was he thinking!
“Goddess of Shadows, you may now rise.” He announced with pride, the others clapping out of necessity as he leaned in to whisper into my ears. “Rise and take your throne among the gods. Don’t worry, you can go home after.” Embarrassment colored my cheeks, my muscles were too weak to move. Not proud of the state of my body, the other gods didn't need to see this side of me.
“I can’t.” I returned in a quiet whisper, his eyes flitting about the room. “When you gave me that boost, I might have used it too fast and long. The willpower doesn’t exist anymore.” Averting my gaze to the clouds, his finger lifted up my chin. Tears dripped off of my chin, every cell in me wanting Croak to be alive.
“That chair is yours. Sacrifices are a part of a hero’s journey.” He continued soft enough for only me to hear, the years of service paying off in the worst way. “What if I told you that I made you a goddess myself?” Time slowed down, our eyes locking with the utmost respect passing between us. Struggling to my feet, Hel helped me over to my throne in a way that didn't show my current weakness. Darkening to a midnight black, the lead god took his throne. Hel stood behind me, true bliss relaxing her features. Glancing up at her, her hand cupped mine. Depising the abruptness of it all, my eyes scanned the room.
“We have a new goddess of the shadows and Hel is her first worshiper. Respect her as much as you respect me. Many years have been sacrificed on her behalf and a broken life.” He proclaimed while accepting a golden goblet overflowing with wine, jealous glares snapping in my direction. “Judging by your reactions, my decision is final. She is my second in command. Not one of you has been considerate or half as great as a leader she could be. Today she will go back home and do her damn job because she wants to, not has to. Those horns are from our enemy. Have any of you gotten close to harming Stormana? No, sit down and shut up!” Getting onto the tasks at hand, Hel plopped onto the armrest of my chair. Summoning a pad and pen, the tip never stopped moving. Drowning in the sea of hatred and bitterness, Hel’s fingers intertwined with mine. Leaning down close to my ear, her words did little to ease my decaying mental health.
"I pleaded with him to make you a goddess.” She whispered kindly in my ear, her other hand playing tucking a piece of hair behind my ears. “All you needed was one worshiper and here I am. Bask in what you earned.” Returning to taking notes, the horns glittering on my lap had my full attention. Drooling over cutting them open and testing the tissues had me wishing that this meeting was over. A bell rang, the others rising. Popping to my feet, Hel stabilized me long enough to prepare me for my descent. Embracing me from behind as I clung to the horns, our bodies sinking back down towards our home. Feeling well enough to walk on my own, a pang jolted my side. A fever burned on my cheeks, the thin layer of sweat glistening on my skin. Limping down to the basement, my blade shrank back down to its dagger form. Tucking it into the case, Morte looking up from his current monster didn’t slow my steps. Slamming her horns onto the next examination table, Morte cleared his throat as I began to set up my tools. Spinning on his heels, blood stains dotted his white lab coat. Cupping my mouth, the sight of it had me fighting the urge to toss up my lunch.
“A zombie looks better than you. Maybe you should get some r-” He commented with a mixture of playfulness and the usual concern. Wiping the sweat off of my brow, his palms slamming on my table snapped me back to reality. Blushing hard at how close his face was to mine, an impatient scowl dimmed his features. Sliding over a new pair of gloves while changing his own, one touch on both horns had them decaying into several thick circles. Hating that I didn't get to cut them myself, my brow twitched with obvious annoyance.
“Talk to me. Why do you smell so delectable? I can’t seem to resist you.” He demanded with an apologetic smile, my gloved fingers tracing the pieces of the horn. “Another thing bothers me, you smell like you are entering a h-” Covering his mouth, the task at hand needed to be dealt with. Too feeble to speak for a second, the room began to spin. Time, time wasn’t on my hands.
“Don’t worry about it. I am a goddess, a legit goddess.” I choked out through gritted teeth, another jolt announcing my heat. “Get back to w-” Cupping my cheek, his lips smashed into mine desperately. Sinking into the moment, my heart rate matched his. Releasing me from his spell, the stool hissed the moment I crashed onto the hard top. Lowering my hand to the table, a strange paleness came over my skin.
“Nice. That makes you more impressive in my eyes. What you need to confirm is what state of your goddamn heat you are in. If I am going to make a potion to repress it, a few more facts are required.” He complimented me lovingly, the room spinning again. “I can wait for all of eternity.” Shaking my head, the repression wouldn’t be necessary.
“Let’s go through with it.” I wept with a sad smile, wanting to feel the warmth of bearing a child. “Croak wants to come back and I can’t deny a friend.” Taking a second to register to what I said, his genuine smile had life flickering in his eyes. Pressing his palms together, uncontrollable sobs wracked his body. Judging by Stormy’s reaction, her horns would need to grow back before we battled again. Demons with horns were as strong as the size of their horns, my little victory buying me time to figure out what destroyed my enemy.
“You can’t be serious with that request.” He spoke in disbelief, his ears flicking about. “My dreams are about to come true!” Dancing over to me, he spun me around. Spinning me underneath him, his lips kissed mine tenderly. Swinging me back up to my feet, his hands rested on my shoulders. There's the Morte I loved back then, everything about him oozing life.
“Calm down and get your work done. I will tell you when I am ready.” I chuckled lightly, placing the biggest pieces into an evidence bag. Returning to his monster with a fresh pair of gloves, my shaking fingers picked up the scraping tool. Digging at the center of the horn, my fingers traced the rings in her horn. Counting the rings, these horns were thousands of years old. Hel popped up behind me, her cheery hello sending me ten feet into the air. Catching me before I hit the floor, her gloved hand laid down several evidence bags. Plopping down next to me, her pensive expression had my tired smile falling.
“Several more gods defected today.” She informed me while rubbing her palms together, shame dimming my eyes. “Don’t be so glum. They are nothing for us to destroy. People like us don’t get second chances but look at you. Second in command is impressive. Hell, he hasn’t had one for years. Are you going to quench your cycle or are you going to ignore it?” Flashing her a sad smile, my shaking fingers dropped the pieces into the bags.
“Not this time. Morte and I lost everything that night. Croak wants to come back. She is entrusting me with her happy ending.” I answered simply, her face brightening at my reply. “Why so happy? Part of me is giving in to my dreams. Do you want to learn how to catalog items?” Nodding her head vigorously, the way she focused on my lesson had me happy to be like her sister. Finishing up the last item, Hel popped to her feet. Beginning to bow in my direction, my palm caught her forehead. Can people quit acting like they need to bow!
“We are friends not a master and a servant.” I teased blithely, remembering how the twins kept trying to bow. “I suppose I can count on you to be my bodyguard.” Remaining in the awkward position, her arms dangled limply. Mumbling a series of gracious thank yous, she buried me into a bear hug. Basking in her warmth, both of us had something to live for. How long has it been since I felt this jovial? The flames of hope burned in my heart, Hel helping me to see a way out.

Hi,
I’ve been having on and off cold like symptoms ( congestion and mucus) for the past 2 months. Sometimes my mucus is white and now it’s always yellow. Doctor thinks it’s cause I keep catching colds over and over. My lymph nodes are swollen on my neck and behind ears, I have pressure in my ears/ head but no sinusitis and my throat hurts and I have tonsil stones. I have appetite to eat but I can’t eat cause it feels like mucus is at the back of my throat.
I’m so sick of feeling like this. My anxiety making every thing worse too.. I just want to go back to normal and be healthy :(

I have mild apnea (shown by a couple of sleep studies AHI 10-15 consisting of pretty much all hypopneas) but severe fatigue that has ruined my teen years and currently my 20s (23F). Suspect that I also just have extreme flow limitation/UARS due to 200+ arousals on my sleep studies that weren’t accounted for by a breathing event or O2 desaturation.
I have been told that I have a very narrow airway in my throat by my orthodontist. My nasal passage/congestion is quite terrible where I can barely breathe during the day and suspect that I mouth breathe at night. Recently discovered have severe allergies to pretty much everything under the sun (weeds, trees, grasses, dust mites and more) even though I do a lot to manage symptoms using breath right strips, Flonase, montelukast, Claritin, and am thinking of starting allergy immunotherapy. I’ve had tonsils and adenoids removed, a septoplasty and two turbinate reductions, but still have a deviated septum and enlarged turbinates that grew right back likely due to the allergies.
In 2020 I tried an oral appliance and it always seemed to make my sleep worse which I found strange. Did a sleep study with it and found that though I no longer had hypopneas with o2 desaturations, my RERAs and arousals went up and were actually higher than my AHI was without the appliance. Because I was already struggling to function, the usage of oral appliance really tanked my health and I had to stop using it.
In 2021 I tried CPAP full face and dreamwear masks and felt like I was suffocating no matter how low or high the pressure was because my nasal congestion forced me to mouth breathe. Was not able to fall asleep ever with full face and let me tell you I tried really really hard to make it work. Tried nasal pillows and was finally able to fall asleep and felt like I could breathe for the first time ever, but air would always leak out of my mouth even when I had it at a low pressure and EPR to the max. Tried mouth taping and chin strap but air would still leak out! This was frustrating me to no end because I felt like I was SO close to good sleep but with being woken up constantly just couldn’t do it.
Flash forward to 2024, got a sleep study with BiPAP titration and nasal pillows and taped my mouth. Started with IPAP of 10 and EPAP of 5. Never entered REM sleep and had a TON of central apnea events and the sleep tech kept jacking up the pressure in response to the events. If you ask me, upping the pressure in response to those events seems totally small brained since I never struggled with central apnea before. Next morning also had bad aerophagia. Doctor called me the next week and recommended BiPAP without addressing obvious problems from my study! Certainly won’t be able to tolerate BiPAP with the settings like that.
Ok so that was the longest post ever. Basically I’m wondering if anyone has recommendations for BiPAP settings I can tweak (thinking of increasing cycle sensitivity to very high), or potential surgeries to address narrow airways especially nasal congestion. And lastly, I know this is out there but I’m seriously considering getting a nasal cannula with just air (not o2) if I can’t get BiPAP/CPAP to work, because I NEED air and having more airflow through my nose seems to really help me.
Any advice at all is so appreciated, thank you!!!

For the last two months I’ve been struggling with an on and off sore throat. I’ve been on three rounds of antibiotics. My tonsils are swollen, I have red spots on the roof of my mouth, and nasal drip but no congestion. The first thought was strep until I tested negative. Then hand foot and mouth was suspected but I was told it doesn’t last this long + I don’t have spots anywhere else on my body. Today they finally drew blood to test for mono. Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this or has any ideas or solutions!!

Hi, my baby has been really congested as of lately and we bought zarbees nasal spray. We believe he may have accidentally swallowed some of it, should we be concerned?

I have mild apnea (shown by a couple of sleep studies AHI 10-15 consisting of pretty much all hypopneas) but severe fatigue that has ruined my teen years and currently my 20s (23F). Suspect that I also just have extreme flow limitation/UARS due to 200+ arousals on my sleep studies that weren’t accounted for by a breathing event or O2 desaturation.
I have been told that I have a very narrow airway in my throat by my orthodontist. My nasal passage/congestion is quite terrible where I can barely breathe during the day and suspect that I mouth breathe at night. Recently discovered have severe allergies to pretty much everything under the sun (weeds, trees, grasses, dust mites and more) even though I do a lot to manage symptoms using breath right strips, Flonase, montelukast, Claritin, and am thinking of starting allergy immunotherapy. I’ve had tonsils and adenoids removed, a septoplasty and two turbinate reductions, but still have a deviated septum and enlarged turbinates that grew right back likely due to the allergies.
In 2020 I tried an oral appliance and it always seemed to make my sleep worse which I found strange. Did a sleep study with it and found that though I no longer had hypopneas with o2 desaturations, my RERAs and arousals went up and were actually higher than my AHI was without the appliance. Because I was already struggling to function, the usage of oral appliance really tanked my health and I had to stop using it.
In 2021 I tried CPAP full face and dreamwear masks and felt like I was suffocating no matter how low or high the pressure was because my nasal congestion forced me to mouth breathe. Was not able to fall asleep ever with full face and let me tell you I tried really really hard to make it work. Tried nasal pillows and was finally able to fall asleep and felt like I could breathe for the first time ever, but air would always leak out of my mouth even when I had it at a low pressure and EPR to the max. Tried mouth taping and chin strap but air would still leak out! This was frustrating me to no end because I felt like I was SO SO close to good sleep but with being woken up constantly just couldn’t do it.
Flash forward to 2024, got a sleep study with BiPAP titration and nasal pillows and taped my mouth. Started with IPAP of 10 and EPAP of 5. Never entered REM sleep and had a TON of central apnea events and the sleep tech kept jacking up the pressure in response to the events. If you ask me that seems totally small brained since I never struggled with central apnea before. Next morning also had bad aerophagia. Doctor called me the next week and recommended BiPAP without addressing obvious problems from my study! Certainly won’t be able to tolerate BiPAP with the settings like that.
Ok so that was the longest post ever. Basically I’m wondering if anyone has recommendations for BiPAP settings I can tweak, or potential surgeries to address narrow airways especially nasal congestion. And lastly, I know this is out there but I’m seriously considering getting a nasal cannula with just air (not o2) if I can’t get BiPAP/CPAP to work, because I NEED air. Any advice at all is so appreciated, thank you!!

Hello there!
I just started VIP nasal spray after successfully going through both binders and MARCONs steps. I started at 1/8 of a full dose and took it for 3 days total. I definitely felt better initially when taking VIP, but it seems to be causing diarrhea and everything in me to get flushed out shortly after taking the sprays. The only other adverse effect I noticed was some minor aching in my right side near my liver area.
I'm working with a CIRS doctor and they want me to wait until my gut settles back down then try VIP again at a lower dose.
I thought I would ask here to see if anyone else experienced a similar issue when taking VIP. Thanks!

So I have unknown condition that makes me have post nasal drip and mucus building in my chest and chest pains, I had too many tests and still all clear which Is good but I really wanna know what's going on with me and It's ruined my life
I lost taste of life with these chest congestions it's like im sick without fever I have suicidal thoughts idk how to live with these symptoms and shame around my grossness I hate that I have to nebulize to feel some relief and I have hard time live like that
I havent work for 6 years I haven't go on dates or just lived like most young people around my age I have anxieties around my pains and mucus build up I really don't know what to do anymore i just hate my life .
Idk what should I do cope better ?

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Warm afternoon sunlight poured through the arched window, casting a vibrant orange glow across the room. Dust motes danced lazily in the rays, lending an almost ethereal quality to the space.
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In this sun-kissed chamber, a young woman named Mu Lan Rou sat perched on the deep windowsill, her lithe form silhouetted against the bright backdrop.
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Her long black hair cascaded down her back in a shimmering waterfall, contrasting exquisitely with the delicate porcelain fairness of her skin.
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She exuded an aura of cold, regal elegance despite her youthful features. Her eyes, a striking shade of deep amethyst, regarded the world through long lashes with an aloof, guarded expression.
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"I want candy," she murmured unexpectedly, the softly spoken words laced with uncharacteristic longing as a wistful, almost childlike look fleeted across her face.
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But the vulnerability was fleeting, her features reverting to their customary glacial mask as the sound of approaching footsteps reached her ears.
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"Rou'er?" A familiar baritone voice preceded a gentle rapping on the door. "Are you inside, my daughter?"
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Mu Lan Rou rose gracefully from her sun-warmed perch, her voluminous yet lightweight martial robe fluttering, momentarily blocking the light.
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With deft movements, she pulled open the carved wooden door to reveal her father, an Elder of their sect, clad in white robes adorned with dark yellow stripes and cinched by an embroidered sash.
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Concern furrowed his brow beneath the strands of silver threading through his close-cropped beard.
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"I heard you caused trouble again today with that boy," he remarked, lines crinkling at the edges of his eyes as he studied her impassive porcelain features. As they moved into the spacious bedchamber, he reached out to tenderly caress the shining waves of her hair.
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But observing the shuttered coldness in his daughter's crimson eyes, the expressionless mask now firmly in place at the mere mention of the unnamed boy, a weary sigh escaped him.
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"Please, Rou'er, just bear it for now. Father will try anything to break this forced engagement."
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Rising to his full height, he crossed to the window, brow furrowed as his narrowed gaze tracked the slow descent of the afternoon sun painting the sky in fiery shades of amber and crimson.
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"This engagement was forced upon us because of that woman's contribution!" he burst out angrily, fists clenching at his sides.
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"If not for her, your happiness would not be marred like this by binding you to that... that boy with nothing but a handsome face! What use is such a face when he is weak? Can he truly provide for and protect you with just that?"
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With a derisive snort of disgust, he whirled and stormed from the chamber, robes flaring out behind him.
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"F-Father..." Mu Lan Rou took an abortive step after him, hand extended piteously, but he had already departed, leaving her alone in the sun-dappled space with only the motes of dust swirling lazily for company.
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Slowly, she returned to her original position, sinking down to curl up on the wide windowsill, drawing her knees up to her chest as she stared sightlessly out at the vivid tangerine-streaked sky.
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"Big Brother Ji..." The name passed her lips in an achingly affectionate murmur as memories of a smiling, tousle white long-haired boy surfaced unbidden.
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He had been the only one who dared play with her, unafraid despite her father's status. The only one to give her forbidden candy treats and conspire to run away with her to see the fabled river and its enchanting blue fish.
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The recollection curved her full lips in a soft, genuine smile, savoring the bittersweet recollections of a time when she had felt unguardedly joyful and carefree. But that innocence had been shattered, irrevocably changing when he turned thirteen years old.
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"I hate that...why did you suddenly become so handsome!" she gritted out, teeth clenched as she bit down on her plump lower lip in frustration.
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Her mind tormented her with the memories of how the female disciples had started flocking around the boy she had once considered her closest friend, jockeying for his newly emerged good looks and charm.
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From that point, he had no more time for her, the cheerful girl transforming into the cold, expressionless beauty who felt only resentment whenever she witnessed him lavishing smiles and attention on others.
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Now that the boy had transformed into a handsome young man, even approaching him had become quite difficult for her. Though it was lucky that he continued visiting her until, out of nowhere, the Tower appeared and he stopped coming.
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This was the reason she stormed off as soon as she heard about the boy's sparring match...
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But…
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“He's still weak..." Worry tinged her tone as her father's scathing words about the the young man's lack of strength echoed through her mind. Unconsciously, her hand lifted to toy with a lock of her ebony tresses.
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"I'm sorry, Big Brother, for acting like that today..." Her apology was a mere whisper in the still air. "But I miss you… but…if I don't act like that, father will harm you..."
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Her gaze drifted back out the window, fixating unseeingly on the view of mist-shrouded surrounding cliffs as the sun continued its stately descent.
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"Why are you still so weak, Big Brother? You must become stronger...strong enough to convince my father to accept you...please..."
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She was just a little girl who had always obeyed her father's words since childhood. After her mother's tragic passing, her father was her only family left in this world.
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So when she first heard about the arranged engagement to Ji Wuye, her heart had swelled with secret joy and hope. However, her father's disdain for the young man - his scathing dismissal of Ji Wuye as a "weak man" - caused that spark of happiness to die an abrupt death.
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Instead of being allowed to express her true feelings openly, Mu Lan Rou found herself forced to hide that fleeting joy behind an icy facade, displaying only the cold indifference her father wished to see.
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Her obedience was bone-deep, a lifelong conditioning.
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"Father...can't you just accept Big Brother?" The plaintive murmur escaped her lips, laced with a profound sadness. But even as the softly spoken words faded, an unexpected idea sparked in her mind like a struck flint.
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Instead of waiting indefinitely for Ji Wuye to somehow become "strong" enough to satisfy her father's demands, why couldn't she take matters into her own hands?
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Why couldn't she dedicate herself to training for more strength, becoming powerful enough to compel her father's compliance and secure her chosen path?
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For a dizzying moment, the audacious thought blazed vividly in her mind's eye. But just as quickly, she shook her head minutely, ebony locks swaying.
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There was simply no way.
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How could a delicately raised lady like herself ever hope to attain such formidable power? The very idea was fanciful madness.
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And yet...the seed had been planted. Like the steady ticking of a clock, the thought continued to reverberate through her mind in a soft but insistent rhythm.
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"If that happens...I can protect you..."
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The tender vow slipped unconsciously past her lips, posing the unthinkable.
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But as she uttered the words, a rare, radiant smile broke through the coolly aloof mask she typically wore. Her striking amethyst eyes drifted toward the open door, following the path her father had stormed out just moments before.
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I tested positive for my first known bout with Covid. My only vaccines are the original Moderna and its booster. My symptoms were mild. A day of body aches and fever. A day of feeling bad. A couple of days of malaise with very light congested feeling and dry cough. I was hot for 5 days. Not a fever but just uncomfortable. By the following Monday I felt mostly okay. Not great, but okay.
2 weeks later I started having calf pain but it didn’t persist. Then it was random muscle pain in my tricep. Then upper back and neck pain. Pain on my shin bones. It’s just so random and it travels around. I generally feel okay when I get up but in the afternoon I start to feel it.
Has anyone experienced anything quite like this?

6’1 - 213 - Male
Hello! I am just doing my due diligence and being responsible here by asking this. I am going to rinse my nasal passages with a neti pot due to being congested and I was just curious if naegleria fowleri (brain-eating amoeba) can be present in store-bought distilled water?
Thank you in advance.

I had a surgical feeding tube placed March 2023 (,after a few years with a nasal tube) and everything was fine for a while once it had healed.
By the end of 2023 I had a couple of sporadic infections that were treated with 5 days of antibiotics, and cleared up easily. 2024 rolls around and I have had an infection in January, February, March, April, and again this month.
The infections always follow the same pattern. The tract of my feeding tube begins to feel a little sore. Over the course of about 7 days the soreness goes from mildly uncomfortable, to really sore, to excruciating. It gradually goes redder, and redder, and begins to swell, and eventually begins to ooze/go crusty, first with a clear fluid and eventually it exudes more and more pus.
If it was up to me, I would go to my GP at the first sign of pain for some antibiotics. I can always tell immediately when an infection is brewing, but I know that the doctor needs more evidence of infection than me saying "My tube is sore, there's an infection brewing". Even redness and swelling wouldn't be enough. So I end up having to wait the ~ 7 days until there is gunk to swab.
I clean my tube tract daily. Ordinarily I use sterile water and cotton wool to wipe around the tube, or it is cleaned in the shower. I have tried using TCP, or antibacterial wound spray instead of sterile water. I have tried doing nothing and cleaning every other day. I have tried a smear of antiseptic cream neaaround the tract. I have tried barrier cream.
Nothing seems to prevent the cycle of an infection every 3-4 weeks. I don't use a tube pad, it's always just dry and open to the air with the bumper about a fingers width away from my abdomen, until it is oozing pus and excruciatingly painful - then I roll up sterile gauze, wrap it around my tube, and fix it in place to prevent any movement and pressure (and to mop up the oozing). I don't touch my tract except to clean it.
I have asked for advice from my dietician who tells me I am doing everything right. I have asked for advice from my GP who said the same thing. Getting in contact with my gastroenterologist is pretty much like trying to get into contact with a mysterious alien overlord who can only be contacted when all the stars align on a full moon on a heap year. I have asked my dietician to ask for advice from my gastroenterologist.
My GP doesn't think these infections are an indication of a badly compromised immune system. But I'm obviously at my wits end, and have serious concerns about such frequent and repeated use of antibiotics.
The infections seem to be sensitive to flucloxacillin (after being swabbed and tested) which is what they prescribe for me. They used to give me 5 days worth, but the last 3 months they upped it to a 10 day course each time. Of course being in pain for around 2 weeks out of 4 is far from ideal, as the primary caregiver to a young child, and as someone who wants to try and generally get on with my life as much as possible.
So, after such a long post - does anyone here have any ideas to help prevent infections? Healthcare professionals seem to have no helpful suggestions. Any testing, or further investigations I can/should request? I am all ears for any advice people have for me.

First/Previous
There’s a place for mourning, but I’ve never known it long enough for comforting myself—the girl wanted to cry and I could scarcely move and when I did work the courage to exercise my muscles, I found the task possibly too great but eventually leveled myself into a sitting position; I was burned badly—the skin of my body up the left side of my body stung like hell and my jacket remained on me only by fate because it was so burned through that it hung off me like a dry heavy rag. The left side of my face didn’t feel right, and I didn’t dare to ask the mourning girl what damage there was.
When I did speak, I croaked out for help in getting to my feet and Gemma, seemingly remembering me, cut her eyes in my direction; there was something nasty in her and it took no prodding from me to get from her the nastiness.
“How many people need to die so you live?” she asked it bluntly and petted the dog that remained by her side. It was the question I’d asked myself so many times already. I didn’t have the answer for her. She added, “Maybe if you’d done something.” Her head shook and twinkles remained in her eyes; the dog went from her, trotted across the dry earth, and sniffed the corpse of the Alukah—or what remained of the beast anyhow.
Somehow, in the last moments of the boy’s life, he’d gotten a shot off on the thing, but whatever the struggle, it seemed too late to save his own life. “Help me up?” I asked the girl again.
Gemma opened her mouth like she wanted to say something then stopped, clapped her mouth shut then she angled herself onto her own feet from where she’d been sitting and moved to me, and I climbed her arm to stand. My left leg was hobbled near useless beneath me and so I held around the girl’s neck on that side, and she walked me near the terrible scene where the boy lay beside his kill.
Trouble, being a dog, did what a hungry dog does and sniffed the boy’s body and pushed its snout where the open throat was, the place where the head should’ve been; in a moment I was let go and fell to the ground, landing hard on my knees; the pain which jolted through me as I slammed onto the ground sent my vision white entirely and only once I’d blinked I realized the girl had gone after the dog. She lifted her leg, and the end of her boot met the animal’s ribs, “Get away from it!” she shrieked at the animal. It squealed perhaps more from surprise than hurt and scampered towards the road, but remained yards out, watching us with its head lowered.
“It’s only a dog,” I tried.
She ignored me and was to the ground too, beside the fallen boy. I sat and watched, and she punched the dirt till finally she did cry, and it was heavy; the girl’s shoulders rolled and her whole-body shook, and she clapped her hands across her mouth like she didn’t dare scream. “We should bury him,” she said through a terrible muffle, “Burn him?” she posed the question to the air over her head. “We can’t leave him out here for anything to get. We can’t carry him. Something should be done about it.”
“Help me up.”
“And?” she twisted around where she knelt, a long expression, elderly, deep with grief, “We won’t make it.”
I shifted under my knees to relieve pressure from my left leg and nodded.
“No food. No water. Andrew’s dead,” she pushed her fingers into the dry earth by her hand and brought up a clump of it, letting it fall through her fist.
“I told you to stay home.”
She chucked the dirt at me and spat, “Shut up! You would’ve probably given him up long ago if you’d travelled this way with him alone. Coward!” She sobbed more.
I finally put myself into a seat on the dirt, tried to lift my arms to support my chin, but through the coughing, through the pain in my ribs, I could not—my vision listed lazily across to the dog and it still looked on at us, sniffing the ground, moving in semicircles, but slowly closing the gap between where it had run from us.
“You’re not a coward,” she said, “You’re not, but I hate you so badly.” Her voice was a dry growl.
I looked again at the boy’s corpse then at her. “I’m sorry. It looks like I’ve put you in a real bad spot.” I laid back tentatively, nursing my sides. A dirt nap would’ve done me well. “Take Trouble. Get on without me then. Just go west. If you’re quiet, you could travel at night.” I sighed and stared at the blue sky, the wisps of clouds. “Go quick. Follow the big road. I-40. Maybe there’s signs that say it—there once was. Follow it west until you see Babylon. It’d be hard to miss. Three or four days if you push it.” I sighed again. “If you’re quiet, you can travel at night. Quiet and low. Watch for fiends. Keep Trouble close. Quick now.”
I’d closed my eyes, and I heard her shift and then I felt a shadow over me; upon opening my eyes, Gemma stared down at me—a long frown was traced across the lower half of her face.
She blinked for a long second. “Get up,” she said, “Get up. I’m not going to drag you all the way there, so get up.”
I put out my hand for a lift and was surprised by both her finesse and her strength; she slipped beneath my arm, and we moved to the body—she said bye and stopped only for a moment to lift the shotgun beside him—she slid the strap over her own shoulder while I awkwardly held to her lightly by the shoulder. She called Trouble and the mutt came after at a distance.
We took down the road worse than tired, but the stink of the dead beast remained in my nose; the Alukah was dead—what other foul creatures remained ahead?
Delirious hours went by until it was night, and I could scarcely gather myself to know what direction I was headed; Gemma found someplace, some hole somewhere for us to sleep. Then it was day again and all I knew was that one leg fell after the other in a gross tandem limp. Consciousness was blinks like weird time travel, and it was only when it was night again and we’d found a dead old tree sticking from the ground—that image remains—and we sat by its massive trunk and looked out on the road (the road I thought was the I-40) and I’d only just closed my eyes when I felt something pressed to my mouth.
“Drink,” said Gemma.
I latched to the opening of whatever gourd or canteen she had, clamping my eyes tighter because if it was a dream, I didn’t want to know. I drank and drank until she yanked it from my grasp.
There beneath the tree, black like it was at night, a moment of cool clarity came to me; the water starvation had taken its toll. “Where’d you get that?” was all I could hope to ask.
The girl whispered, “I wanted it, and it was. It just was.”
I slept with the dog across my lap; I could feel no more pain from my left leg, but the smell of the wound tipped that it was likely festering. What should I do if I were to lose a leg?
The night we slept beneath the tree, I had a terrible nightmare about a boy in flames and I couldn’t tell if the boy was me or someone else; recollecting tends to obscure whatever original message there is in dreams and the further they’re recalled, the runnier they become. Maybe the boy was me or it was Maron, or it was Andrew. It doesn’t matter. What I know is that none of it’s good.
In waking, I remember only small pieces: the sound of others, the smell of horse manure, the smoke from an oil carriage. Someone took my pants and threw blankets over me. I rocked prone in the back of an oil carriage and Gemma sat alongside me and the driver spoke with her, but I don’t remember what was said. A dog barked—Trouble?
I tasted medicine and water—there was the stink of salve.
The hum of the oil carriage was broken by a moment of Gemma pushing me with her hand hard and she whispered, “The arch!” and I knew what she meant.
I had not another moment of clear thought until I awoke in a near sterile room. Whatever pain was in my body radiated rather than stung and I could see from the high bed the window which looked out on a wide city street from stories high. I blinked and for a moment wished a great catastrophe would take me from the delusion—it was no delusion and within moments, I accepted this and tried to raise myself to a sit.
My left leg was wrapped and looked strangely pale where it was left without a blanket and my sides ached and I felt dizzy. Blistered scarring ran like bumpy rivers up the left side of my body. I wanted to vomit, pushed myself against the head of the bed and steadied my breathing then called out a sickly question of hello.
From the far corner of the room, a woman in a wizard hat pushed her head through the doorway to look on me then rushed in to ask me how I was, and I told her, and she said to relax.
A light vegetable platter was brought with a pitcher of water, and I couldn’t eat enough for it to matter, but I drank plenty so that I refilled my cup several times.
Suzanne spilled through the doorway, a concerned expression locked on their face and they put those eyes right on me and I couldn’t squirm away and then the eyes softened and Suzanne approached the bed, waved the other wizard away and they sat on the bed by my leg and for a moment I thought I’d aged them by my presence because the shadow that cut across their brow when they glanced away twisted that stunning glow into a far caricature. Then Suzanne smiled a bit and touched my hand and they whispered, “They’ve not given you a mirror?” They nodded, “Sedatives.”
They reached into their flowy robes to withdraw a hand mirror and pushed it into my outstretched hand.
I’d set myself on fire, so it wasn’t so much a surprise when I saw the scarred skin where the flames had eaten their way up my body; the left side of my face was unrecognizable, purple, and still blistered. I touched the place there and traced my fingers along the scars till I came to the place where my ear normally sat—it was a shriveled scabby thing. The corners of my mouth glanced upward even though I felt different about it. I sat the mirror to my lap and looked at Suzanne.
They squeezed my hand. “You were late—very late—but I didn’t know why. I thought you were dead.” They stared at the floor again. “You’ve had a terrible fever for more than a week. It didn’t seem as though you’d wake.”
“Am I ugly now?”
Those hazel eyes met my own and I couldn’t hide my smile even though my eyes began to water—I blinked the wet away. Suzanne visibly bit their tongue and shook their head. “You were always ugly.”
I choked on laughter and held onto my ribs; the mirror clattered from my lap to the floor and Suzanne reached for it to deposit the thing back into their robes. They chuckled too and their shoulders relaxed even though the dark circles on their eyes remained, the tired look of a person—had they lost sleep for me?
I reached out and grabbed their hand as hard as I could manage—maybe I hoped for an electric jolt to go along with what I tried to convey, “I love you,” I said it so suddenly; I tried latching.
Just as suddenly, they snaked their own hand from mine and held their fingers together, locked across their knees. “Don’t,” they said, “You said you wouldn’t.”
My head shook, “I mean it. I love you.”
“You’ll stay?”
“I’ve got one more thing to do. One more trip.”
They stood from the bed, visibly shaking.
“One more,” I pleaded, “Then I’ll come, and I’ll stay.”
“Where are you going to go?” Their outrage exploded full force—their hands became fists by their sides, and they took a step from the bed, and I felt myself flinch. “Where could you go in that state?” They motioned at me wildly, “Tell me!”
“I ain’t gonna’ leave right away.”
“You’re delusional. Have they doped you into stupidity?” They screamed.
“This is the first time in a long time that I know what I gotta’ do.”
“No, I don’t think you’ve ever understood what you need to do,” they shook their head then held it in their palm, “No.”
“Please listen to me.”
“I won’t.” And they didn’t; they left the room, slamming the door behind them.
The pain came and went and sometimes it was really so miserable that I couldn’t sleep a wink and I’d spend eternities staring at the dark ceiling in the night and I’d smell the fresh air of Babylon—Alexandria carried in through the window. I’d decided that even if they took my leg because of an infection, I’d strap a peg on and continue on my way; it became a paramount goal in my mind to heal up, get back to Golgotha, and undo what had bothered me for so long. The wizards, with their tonics, their salves, and capsule medicines, took good care of me during my recovery and I was even able to plead a bit of liquor from the attendants to help me sleep through some of those long nights.
The days of bed rest stretched to the point of oblivion and boredom—not even the television on the wall could take my mind from the humdrum (books helped, but it was difficult to focus through the medication for long). Suzanne ceased their visiting, but Gemma came and brought Trouble with her, and the dog became fatter every time I saw it; the girl said the mutt remained anxious and often urinated unprovoked in inappropriate places, but the animal slept okay.
Upon Gemma’s first visit to me she was still a patient in recovery, and she came alone and sat in a chair alongside the bed and told me how I was a low-down liar, and I was.
“I asked about good places in the world, and you knew about this,” said the girl, “You knew about it the whole time.”
“Your dad wanted you home. I was gonna’ take you home. The way it was.” I frowned at myself.
A pang of sadness crept into the corner of her eyes, and she nodded it away, “We made it though.”
I sighed. “There was a time when we were travelling, and I was out of it. You found water. Where’d you find water?”
She cupped her hands, angled forward in the chair so that her elbows rested on her knees. “It just happened. At first, I thought it was something I’d forgotten about—like I’d be so dumb as to forget that I had a whole waterskin—but it just appeared. It just was.” Gemma seemed to think about it for a while—upon watching her there sitting, I noticed that the scars which decorated her skin had healed to the point of faint discolorations and I briefly wondered how long ago that was. “The people here. The pointy hats. They do things like that all the time here. I saw a little girl in the street earlier and she could pull candies from thin air. Things aren’t and then they are. Ish—the old doctor, I guess, that’s been watching over your recovery—he tended to me too—I asked him about it, and he said that lots of people can manifest—that’s what he called it—and that it happens when people are put under extreme pressure. He said quart-of-Saul causes it and once you’ve done it, you can learn how to control it willingly. With time. Like a skill.”
“So, you’re a wizard?”
“I don’t know,” she shook her head, seemingly in disbelief, “Ish said it can be fatal if pushed to its limits. He said that if it’s left unsupervised, it can lead to renal failure—that’s what he said. Lots of the people in this building are here because of it,” she whispered, “The patients here, they have a gray look to them—their skin.” Gemma paused and swiped her hands through her close-cut hair, “How much can a person manifest?”
I clenched my jaw. “The boy?”
She nodded.
“Don’t do it. Don’t you even think about it.”
Gemma swallowed long and audible. “You’re right.” She relaxed into the chair and crossed her arms across her chest, “You said the libraries were big, but I didn’t know there were pictures like what they’ve got.”
“Movies?”
She nodded. “It’s a ridiculous place. I like it. He would’ve liked it. It’s nothing like home. You know, I always thought they cast spells or had some secret pact with demons.” The young girl, looking more like one than ever before, pushed her face into her hands and rubbed her eyes and peered through the cracks of her fingers to look at the television on the wall; her expression remained with the still object briefly before she removed her hands, and she frowned and looked at me again. Gemma’s face hinted at sickliness.
“I can relax,” said the girl, “I can breathe more easily than I have in all my life and that’s because of you,” her frown deepened, “I won’t ever know Andrew’s touch or his smile again and that’s because of you too,” she put up her hand as I opened my mouth in protest, “I do not hate you. I don’t. I can see things better now. Andrew may have been destined to die,” she shook her head, “He had joy and that’s too much for this world.”
Finally, she smiled, “I would’ve died at home. He would have. I know you didn’t let him die. His death is on us both. Dave too. How have you lived with yourself all these years with such a burden, Harlan?”
Under her direct, cool stare I felt more uncomfortable than ever and shifted in the bed. “I don’t think I have.” The answer wasn’t enough but felt honest.
“You shouldn’t act so pitiable all the time.”
Time passed and I did not ache deeply so often.
Isher, the wizened wizard, wore a long beard and kept a tight leathery cap over his crown and moved slowly but spoke in abrupt chirps whenever he came to aid me. He helped me from the bed—as he had begun to do often—and I hobbled slowly with his meager support, and he moved me to the window where I took the wall for support to look on Alexandria from a high point—I’d never seen it from that direction—and the place looked magnificent. Perhaps it was not the magnificence of the place, but the sheer gratitude I felt in seeing it at all. Narrow streets cut through tightly packed stone structures and buildings matched the attire of their citizens with conical pitched roofs. Aqueducts rushed downhill freely and there was music and shows and laughter—I’d never noticed the laughter before. Though the wizard bureaucracy and parliamentary arrangement felt distasteful to me, I could not help but appreciate that I did not smell lingering death; there would be no public executions. When executions happened, it would happen somewhere dark and silent, and no one could look on the dead or defile the corpses (at least not openly).
“You’re quite resilient,” quipped Ish.
I smiled, “I reckon.”
“Suzanne asks about you still.”
“Where have they been?”
“They say it’s painful because you’re leaving. I told them you won’t be leaving until I’ve said so.” The old wizard wiggled his upper lip to dance the mustache there then swiped a hand down his waist-length beard.
“Will my leg heal right, doc?”
He nodded, “You shouldn’t travel for some time. You should stay. There is room.”
I cast my gaze through the window again and saw that he spoke honestly; there was more than enough room there in Alexandria. Their walls were tall, strong, well kept—even clean. Along the skyline, I saw the massive arch which stood higher than all else (the gateway to the west). “You’re very old,” I told Ish.
He snickered and nodded, “Thanks.”
“I mean, you’ve seen enough to know that some things must be done. Don’t you have any regrets?”
“Everyone does,” he said.
“I’ve got one. A big one.”
“You intend on making it right then?”
I nodded.
“If you leave—I’ve not left the city for ages, but I know its dangers well. If you leave, you will likely perish. Is it worth it? You will have ruined the time I’ve spent on your recovery. Worse, you will make at least one person greatly sad. Weigh it. How great is this regret?” He sighed, squeezed my sore shoulder only to release it upon seeing me wince, “You’ve said I’m old and I am. You’ve asked of my regrets. All of us that reach an age have many beyond number and each of us knows that to regret so greatly and live in the past would be a waste of the time we’ve left. Those of us with sense, anyway.”
“So?”
“Don’t be stupid. You’ve the wrinkles and the grays, so there’s no reason for you to play the role of a child.” He sighed once more. “The choices of your life are your own, of course. I will do what a doctor does, but I beg you to not cause unnecessary grief.”
We sat quietly, looking out on the skyline, listening to the cityscape, merely enjoying the glow of the sun.
“You intend on grief?” asked Ish.
“As always,” I said.
Once I was able enough to move on my own, I did so no better than the invalid I’d become and although the people of Babylon were cheery, I did my absolute best to keep from them, maintaining a level of distance. Among the walks I took through the streets, cane in hand, arduous steps, Gemma accompanied me with the dog Trouble, and I felt the girl followed me not because of her care for me but because of familiarity—pity too. I took to the streets at night, customarily to smoke and to take in the cool air; the city lights, predominantly electric, awed the girl still even though she’d spent better than a month there and I saw those lights perhaps for the first time in the way they illuminated her wide eyes. She’d catch me catching her glued to the electric lights and shrug and then she’d piddle about this or that and she talked of Andrew all the time and asked how I felt about things, and I didn’t feel much besides pain which ached through my bones. But I was kind as much as I could be and lied about how I felt.
We’d taken to the foot of the arch, nearest the place where there were cross marks to keep people from tampering with the monument, and I watched the great thing overhead and she did too and I took to a nearby bench; the streets were different from Golgotha both in concept and execution—they were mostly paved and kept clean, relatively. Where Golgotha stood as a testament to human survival, Alexandria was a place of innovation, creativity; it was as though it was a place constructed for living. The walls of buildings had cornices, graffities, there was craftsmanship and flourishes where there was woodwork and where there wasn’t a place for enlightenment through creation, there was at least the growth of trees or hedges lining the avenues; the sound of rushing water was pleasant—aqueducts, free piping.
I finished the cigarette I had and tapped the cane against the ground between my feet and she sat alongside me, ushering Trouble to herself where she withdrew some snack from her pocket, and she fed the dog.
“The first thing you thought of after waking was immediately leaving. I didn’t know someone could be so dumb,” she said.
I smiled and nodded. “Sure.”
“I wish you wouldn’t be so dumb.”
“It’s not stupidity that takes me home. It’s—none of your business.”
“I could go with you?”
I shook my head.
“Why not?”
“I’ll be damned if I need to watch you across the wasteland again. I’m done with that. You’re a sorry travelling companion.”
Gemma looked solemn before a smile that might’ve been imagined and then there was silence; moonglow caught in her lengthening hair—it no longer sat so closely to her skull and her face seemed fuller than I’d ever seen it before. Her complexion was clear enough that I could see she owned freckles across her nose. Or maybe I was only then noticing them; her scars—the marks from Baphomet—were nearly gone entirely. “It’s easy to deflect it, isn’t it?”
“Mm.”
“Ish said you’re a fool. Suzanne’s angry with you. Should I be angry at you?” she asked, but before I could say anything, she continued, “Maybe I should. I’m not mad and I don’t think you’re dumb, not really.” She lifted her leg up so that she could sit atop her left foot while lounging there on the bench alongside me. “You’re stuck in the past. Like me. I wake up scared almost every night and reach out in the darkness and—” Trouble nuzzled the girl’s hand, and Gemma petted the dog’s nose delicately with her thumb, “Yes, Trouble’s there to comfort me. But I wake up and I can’t breathe. Sometimes I think I’m going to strangle the poor girl from a bear hug before I can get myself under control. The worst is that I wake up—once I’ve figured out where I am, I know there isn’t anything to be afraid of, but I am. Even knowing I’m here doesn’t help. You’re family?” She left the last bit as a question, and it remained in the air for the quiet.
I took in a gulp of the night and nodded.
“If you are going to go,” she paused to casually examine my left leg along with my cane as though to emphasize her point, “If you can go, then please come back.”
I didn’t look at her. “Thank you.”
Many months passed until I could stand without becoming unbearably dizzy and the cane became almost vestigial, almost—I still required the thing over long periods of time or whenever I felt particularly weak.
I did not speak to Suzanne as much as I would have liked; I did not speak to them at all for a long time.
I caught them in the library, among cartridges of digitized media, in the back rooms of the place, caught in dust and darkness. “I’ll be leaving in a week,” I told them.
They didn’t even raise their head from the table where they catalogued what new treasures had been plundered. My presence had no effect whatsoever.
My chest filled up and I tried, “People talk about love all the time and I know that there’s better people to say it than me.” I slumped in the doorway to the back rooms, holding the frame of the threshold for support. “I wish I had better, prettier words for it. Poets talk about meeting the one they love over and over because two lovers are destined to meet infinitely through many lives. That’s nice.” I nodded to myself while Suzanne lifted a box from a table, shifted it to floor, then turned their attention to the next box. “I don’t know how I feel about life after this. Or God. Maybe. I know we’ve got this life and maybe that’s all we’ve got—if that’s the case then I’m glad I know you. I’m glad I love you.”
Finally, Suzanne spoke, “You should go lie down and gather your strength for when you leave.” They didn’t even look at me.
“Look at me?”
They did not.
“Please.”
Suzanne offered a mere glance in my direction.
“I will come back to you.”
It would have been good to get a goodbye and better to have them tell me they wanted me back or that they loved me too, but there was nothing.
There’s no blame for Suzanne.
Before I went off, the wizards said bye to me and showed in greater force than I would’ve imagined. There was a throng of them gathered at the entrance to Poplar Bridge; one gathered themselves away from the others and played a ditty off a harmonica and others seemed to want to wish me well with small trinkets or salutations. Gemma came with Trouble and Ish admonished me on my way out; they brought me a carriage, one which ran off oil, and Gemma gave me my shotgun.
“We cleaned it—they cleaned it,” said the girl, “Replaced the strap. You shouldn’t run out of anything.” Her eyes fell on the wagon which hummed to life under the guide of a short wizard woman that fiddled with its controls from the perched seat.
“Thanks,” I said.
Gemma pulled me into a tight hug, and I hugged her back. “I’ll see you,” she said confidently.
I scratched Trouble on her cheeks and then pulled the dog into a hug too, lifting the dumb mutt from the ground a bit in doing so; I lost my footing and found it and the dog dropped and pushed in close to my legs to swing its ass widely in excitement.
Ish slapped a hand on my shoulder and the strength in his grip was weirdly great. “You can still change your mind.”
I shook my head. “Will Suzanne be here?”
It was the old wizard’s turn to shake his head, but he stopped then looked at the wagon. “How do you think it is we can afford to offer you that for travel? Oh!” Ish motioned to a nearby wizard and the young person came forward to offer something to his hands, “Suzanne wanted you to have these. At least.” The old man held out one of the signature dramedy masks in one hand and a wizard hat in the other. They looked familiar. “Incognito.” The old man tapped his nose with his forefinger. He looked at me seriously. “Be careful. I wish my Suzanne could’ve found a better someone, but if it’s to be you—come back.” Ish pulled me into a hug, patted me on the back hard.
I drove into the morning, across Poplar Bridge, over the dead Mississippi. Towards revenge? To my brother.
Loneliness had once been an ally—we’d become foreigners. With nothing more than the hum of the carriage and my own company, I became deranged beyond anything before.
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