Effexor ruined my marriage

I have an older brother as well.
When I was younger my mother did a lot for me as a child she took care of me and fed me. However I noticed as time went on I noticed patterns that I started to hate her.
My mom would throw her problems on me about her marriage (they are divorced now). She would always judge every friend I ever had, sometimes distancing herself from me and staying quiet around me. She would get mad if I hung out with my friends to much or on the phone with them, Sometimes when I we would argue should would bring them up randomly saying how they changed me (I was 11 years old at the time). She would always send my older brother to go scream at me and I would be really scared. He once even grabbed me and shook me very violently. Than she would pull my older brother away and tell him not to do that.
Later on in my teenage years she would be mad if I had a girlfriend. She would pretend not to see my girlfriend and just keep walking passed them. All the time I would be dating someone she would be miserable it seemed. In arguments she would randomly tell me "If you love them so much stop telling my your problems and tell them your problems, go marry them while your at it!" When ever my relationships would end due to normal circumstances she would seem to comfort me but at the same time seemed to be a lot lighter and happier again with herself.
My brother listened to her, he did everything she said. He had no friends and never had a girlfriend and never worked. She used to be so proud of him, but behind his back she would talk shit about him and how he is ruining his own life. Yet she was the one that wanted him to stay single all to herself. My brother and my mom were always together it was bizarre.
She even used to be obsessed with my "masturbation habits and porn habits saying it was a sin" she would constantly check on me if I was doing anything. She would randomly bring it up being like "Have you masturbated today?" Like for god sake I was 16 years old!
When I got a full time job she starting treating my differently, she got aggressive with me more, started picking more fights with me. She starting saying I had anger issues (Which I did because I dealt with her so much). She would send my brother to yell and hit me sometimes but when my brother would start doing that she would start crying on the floor saying the family is tearing apart, until I would stop and do what she says.
I started to rebel when I got my full time job, I just started hanging out with friends, went on relationships and did what ever the hell I wanted, I told myself she can go fuck herself. I started acting out towards her. I started to become violent to her and my brother.
I started hitting my mother, held her down, beat her with a phone once, broke down the door she hid behind after coming into my room to yell at me that I was going out with friends and that I was changing as a person and she did not like it. My mom called me psycho, she threatened to call the police on me. I started to have dreams of murdering my mother constantly. I was tired of the life she had created for me.
She kicked me out of the house after and made my older brother stay with her, I moved in with my father across the state (We live in United States Arizona) and than moved in to my own Condo after 1 year. The reason she kicked me out was because I was dating someone and she told me that she cannot continue to house me if I kept living like that (I was 20 when I was kicked out).
A year later I still kept contact with my mom, things seemed a little better but tension was still there. However when I went to visit once at the house my brother and her escorted me around the house because they said I was not living there anymore and just wanted to make sure I did not take anything from there house. My mother even got mad when I took a shower once saying "You don't live here anymore, take it at home".
When I met my wife (girlfriend at the time) my mother had a issue with her, the first thing she told her was "Why are you with my son, you know he has a lot of problems" my wife is Arab (I am white American) so my mom used to pass comments about her saying to me behind her back "Be careful of those people, you know there families can be aggressive and kidnap you, they hold ransoms sometimes" or things like "Just make sure you don't catch a disease from them". When I told my mother I was getting married she became even worse about her. My mother and brother did not attend my wedding. On my wedding day my mother wrote me a long paragraph on how I ruined her life, she cannot believe the son she raised and how disrespectful I am to her, she even managed to talk a lot of my family to not go to my wedding. She told me you may be getting married but I am always still your mother I will always love you more than she ever will. When you were little I took care of you, I wiped up after you, I cleaned you, bathed you, fed you and this is how you repay me! After my wedding day on my honeymoon I turned off my phone. When I got back from Greece I had a wall of texts of how I am a failure, how I ruined everything for her, she hates her life now. I even heard from others that know her that she got super sick when i got married, threw up, and just in miserable now.
I decided that my wife and my own life should come first. I decided to cut contact with her, it was the hardest thing I ever did but I feel it was the best thing.
AITA for this? Sorry for the long read but I wanted to explain my story. Feels good to finally say it. You can be honest and judge, but I feel such relief ever since cutting her out and my psychy has been better ever since, no more anxiety.

I have an older brother as well.
When I was younger my mother did a lot for me as a child she took care of me and fed me. However I noticed as time went on I noticed patterns that I started to hate her.
My mom would throw her problems on me about her marriage (they are divorced now). She would always judge every friend I ever had, sometimes distancing herself from me and staying quiet around me. She would get mad if I hung out with my friends to much or on the phone with them, Sometimes when I we would argue should would bring them up randomly saying how they changed me (I was 11 years old at the time). She would always send my older brother to go scream at me and I would be really scared. He once even grabbed me and shook me very violently. Than she would pull my older brother away and tell him not to do that.
Later on in my teenage years she would be mad if I had a girlfriend. She would pretend not to see my girlfriend and just keep walking passed them. All the time I would be dating someone she would be miserable it seemed. In arguments she would randomly tell me "If you love them so much stop telling my your problems and tell them your problems, go marry them while your at it!" When ever my relationships would end due to normal circumstances she would seem to comfort me but at the same time seemed to be a lot lighter and happier again with herself.
My brother listened to her, he did everything she said. He had no friends and never had a girlfriend and never worked. She used to be so proud of him, but behind his back she would talk shit about him and how he is ruining his own life. Yet she was the one that wanted him to stay single all to herself. My brother and my mom were always together it was bizarre.
She even used to be obsessed with my "masturbation habits and porn habits saying it was a sin" she would constantly check on me if I was doing anything. She would randomly bring it up being like "Have you masturbated today?" Like for god sake I was 16 years old!
When I got a full time job she starting treating my differently, she got aggressive with me more, started picking more fights with me. She starting saying I had anger issues (Which I did because I dealt with her so much). She would send my brother to yell and hit me sometimes but when my brother would start doing that she would start crying on the floor saying the family is tearing apart, until I would stop and do what she says.
I started to rebel when I got my full time job, I just started hanging out with friends, went on relationships and did what ever the hell I wanted, I told myself she can go fuck herself. I started acting out towards her. I started to become violent to her and my brother.
I started hitting my mother, held her down, beat her with a phone once, broke down the door she hid behind after coming into my room to yell at me that I was going out with friends and that I was changing as a person and she did not like it. My mom called me psycho, she threatened to call the police on me. I started to have dreams of murdering my mother constantly. I was tired of the life she had created for me.
She kicked me out of the house after and made my older brother stay with her, I moved in with my father across the state (We live in United States Arizona) and than moved in to my own Condo after 1 year. The reason she kicked me out was because I was dating someone and she told me that she cannot continue to house me if I kept living like that (I was 20 when I was kicked out).
A year later I still kept contact with my mom, things seemed a little better but tension was still there. However when I went to visit once at the house my brother and her escorted me around the house because they said I was not living there anymore and just wanted to make sure I did not take anything from there house. My mother even got mad when I took a shower once saying "You don't live here anymore, take it at home".
When I met my wife (girlfriend at the time) my mother had a issue with her, the first thing she told her was "Why are you with my son, you know he has a lot of problems" my wife is Arab (I am white American) so my mom used to pass comments about her saying to me behind her back "Be careful of those people, you know there families can be aggressive and kidnap you, they hold ransoms sometimes" or things like "Just make sure you don't catch a disease from them". When I told my mother I was getting married she became even worse about her. My mother and brother did not attend my wedding. On my wedding day my mother wrote me a long paragraph on how I ruined her life, she cannot believe the son she raised and how disrespectful I am to her, she even managed to talk a lot of my family to not go to my wedding. She told me you may be getting married but I am always still your mother I will always love you more than she ever will. When you were little I took care of you, I wiped up after you, I cleaned you, bathed you, fed you and this is how you repay me! After my wedding day on my honeymoon I turned off my phone. When I got back from Greece I had a wall of texts of how I am a failure, how I ruined everything for her, she hates her life now. I even heard from others that know her that she got super sick when i got married, threw up, and just in miserable now.
I decided that my wife and my own life should come first. I decided to cut contact with her, it was the hardest thing I ever did but I feel it was the best thing.
AITA for this? Sorry for the long read but I wanted to explain my story. Feels good to finally say it. You can be honest and judge, but I feel such relief ever since cutting her out and my psychy has been better ever since, no more anxiety.

Hey Reddit,
I never thought I’d be here, but I need to get this off my chest. This is a throwaway account for obvious reasons. Here’s the story of how I discovered my wife was cheating on me, on our anniversary of all days.
My (34M) wife (32F) and I have been married for seven years. We have two beautiful kids, ages 5 and 3. For the most part, our marriage has been great, or so I thought.
Last month, we celebrated our seventh wedding anniversary. I planned a romantic weekend getaway to a cabin in the mountains. It was supposed to be just the two of us, no kids, no distractions, just quality time together.
In the weeks leading up to the trip, I noticed she was acting distant. She was always on her phone, giggling at messages, and being secretive about who she was talking to. When I asked her, she brushed it off, saying it was just her friends from work.
Fast forward to our anniversary weekend. We got to the cabin, and everything seemed perfect at first. But she was glued to her phone the entire time. I tried to ignore it, thinking maybe she was just having a hard time unplugging from work.
On the second night, she fell asleep with her phone unlocked. I know it’s a breach of privacy, but my gut was screaming at me that something was wrong. I picked up her phone and found a series of texts between her and a guy named “Brian.” The texts were explicit, leaving no doubt that they were having an affair. They even joked about meeting up while we were supposed to be on our anniversary trip.
Here’s where it gets worse: I recognized the phone number. Brian wasn’t just some guy from work. He was my wife’s best friend’s husband. They had been coming over for BBQs, double dates, and our kids’ birthday parties for years. I felt sick. I didn’t confront her immediately because I didn’t want to ruin the weekend. Instead, I quietly took screenshots of their conversations and sent them to myself.
When we got back home, I confronted her. She broke down in tears, admitting everything. They had been sneaking around for months, using every excuse in the book to meet up. She said she was sorry and begged for forgiveness, but I was too hurt to think straight.
To add salt to the wound, her best friend called me the next day. Apparently, she found out too and wanted to make sure I knew what was going on. It turns out their affair had been going on right under our noses, even while we were all hanging out together as couples.
I took some time to process everything and decided to take a break. I moved in with my brother for a while to clear my head. We’ve been going to marriage counseling since then, but I don’t know if I can ever trust her again.
Our kids are my top priority, and I’m trying to keep things as normal as possible for their sake. But inside, I’m a mess. I loved her more than anything, and this betrayal has shattered me.
Has anyone here been through something similar? How did you cope? Is it possible to rebuild trust after something like this? Any advice would be appreciated.

I have an older brother as well.
When I was younger my mother did a lot for me as a child she took care of me and fed me. However I noticed as time went on I noticed patterns that I started to hate her.
My mom would throw her problems on me about her marriage (they are divorced now). She would always judge every friend I ever had, sometimes distancing herself from me and staying quiet around me. She would get mad if I hung out with my friends to much or on the phone with them, Sometimes when I we would argue should would bring them up randomly saying how they changed me (I was 11 years old at the time). She would always send my older brother to go scream at me and I would be really scared. He once even grabbed me and shook me very violently. Than she would pull my older brother away and tell him not to do that.
Later on in my teenage years she would be mad if I had a girlfriend. She would pretend not to see my girlfriend and just keep walking passed them. All the time I would be dating someone she would be miserable it seemed. In arguments she would randomly tell me "If you love them so much stop telling my your problems and tell them your problems, go marry them while your at it!" When ever my relationships would end due to normal circumstances she would seem to comfort me but at the same time seemed to be a lot lighter and happier again with herself.
My brother listened to her, he did everything she said. He had no friends and never had a girlfriend and never worked. She used to be so proud of him, but behind his back she would talk shit about him and how he is ruining his own life. Yet she was the one that wanted him to stay single all to herself. My brother and my mom were always together it was bizarre.
She even used to be obsessed with my "masturbation habits and porn habits saying it was a sin" she would constantly check on me if I was doing anything. She would randomly bring it up being like "Have you masturbated today?" Like for god sake I was 16 years old!
When I got a full time job she starting treating my differently, she got aggressive with me more, started picking more fights with me. She starting saying I had anger issues (Which I did because I dealt with her so much). She would send my brother to yell and hit me sometimes but when my brother would start doing that she would start crying on the floor saying the family is tearing apart, until I would stop and do what she says.
I started to rebel when I got my full time job, I just started hanging out with friends, went on relationships and did what ever the hell I wanted, I told myself she can go fuck herself. I started acting out towards her. I started to become violent to her and my brother.
I started hitting my mother, held her down, beat her with a phone once, broke down the door she hid behind after coming into my room to yell at me that I was going out with friends and that I was changing as a person and she did not like it. My mom called me psycho, she threatened to call the police on me. I started to have dreams of murdering my mother constantly. I was tired of the life she had created for me.
She kicked me out of the house after and made my older brother stay with her, I moved in with my father across the state (We live in United States Arizona) and than moved in to my own Condo after 1 year. The reason she kicked me out was because I was dating someone and she told me that she cannot continue to house me if I kept living like that (I was 20 when I was kicked out).
A year later I still kept contact with my mom, things seemed a little better but tension was still there. However when I went to visit once at the house my brother and her escorted me around the house because they said I was not living there anymore and just wanted to make sure I did not take anything from there house. My mother even got mad when I took a shower once saying "You don't live here anymore, take it at home".
When I met my wife (girlfriend at the time) my mother had a issue with her, the first thing she told her was "Why are you with my son, you know he has a lot of problems" my wife is Arab (I am white American) so my mom used to pass comments about her saying to me behind her back "Be careful of those people, you know there families can be aggressive and kidnap you, they hold ransoms sometimes" or things like "Just make sure you don't catch a disease from them". When I told my mother I was getting married she became even worse about her. My mother and brother did not attend my wedding. On my wedding day my mother wrote me a long paragraph on how I ruined her life, she cannot believe the son she raised and how disrespectful I am to her, she even managed to talk a lot of my family to not go to my wedding. She told me you may be getting married but I am always still your mother I will always love you more than she ever will. When you were little I took care of you, I wiped up after you, I cleaned you, bathed you, fed you and this is how you repay me! After my wedding day on my honeymoon I turned off my phone. When I got back from Greece I had a wall of texts of how I am a failure, how I ruined everything for her, she hates her life now. I even heard from others that know her that she got super sick when i got married, threw up, and just in miserable now.
I decided that my wife and my own life should come first. I decided to cut contact with her, it was the hardest thing I ever did but I feel it was the best thing.
AITA for this? Sorry for the long read but I wanted to explain my story. Feels good to finally say it. You can be honest and judge, but I feel such relief ever since cutting her out and my psychy has been better ever since, no more anxiety.

Hey, just wanted to come here and share my story. I am 20-year-old (F). Last year in July, I came across a guy (30M) on an app. We shared same ethnicity but he was living abroad for past decade. We matched, we clicked and I thought this was the man I had been looking for all my life. He seemed so sweet, fun to talk and charming. One thing that pulled me toward him was his respectful and polite attitude towards me (this was big for me since I am coming from a rough childhood), he used to call me 'Miss', respected my opinions, shared his own without making me feel uncomfortable and we were kind of cloning each other. Our beliefs and moral values seemed very similar.
We talked for about two weeks and it was a detailed discussion on life and how we view it. Later on, he told me he was looking for something serious and I, who is coming from traditional muslim culture, wanted nothing more than a serious relationship (marriage). So he sent a proposal my home, his family came and met my family (that is how it happens in our culture). My family was little hesitant because we did have some cultural differences but I wasn't too noisy about it. Long story short, we got engaged in the following September. He couldn't come so his mother fulfilled his duty that was to slip the ring on my finger. After the ceremony I video-called him, excited, and told him about the day and expressed how happy I am. I was expecting something, maybe a little spark in his eyes or something sweet to say but he wasn't reciprocating the enthusiasm. He only smiled and talked a few and that's it. Oftentimes I felt like he wasn't expressing enough but I never let my head go south. I always gave myself an explanation for his actions. Everything was going fine until he had to come to his home country for his father's surgery. During those times, I did my best to remain supportive, empathetic. I gave him space, stood beside him, cheered him up.
A few days before the surgery, he decided to meet me out of a blue and yes, this was our first physical interaction. I was in uni when he told me and like every other girl, I wanted our first meeting to be special. For those who are unfamiliar of muslim traditions, it is not permissible to meet alone before nikkah (the marriage ceremony). So my family wanted someone with us and I wasn't much in favour of it. I knew my boundaries and just wanted to have some good time with him. Therefore, I asked him to reschedule so I can convince my family to allow us to meet in a public place. He, on the other hand, got furious because I asked him to reschedule. I felt bad for breaking him as he said he was excited to meet me and he needed me the most in hard times like these. I felt guilty but the next day, we met. He came to my home to pick me up, had a chat with my family. My family (uncle and aunt since I'm living with them after my parents' divorce) allowed us to have dinner.
During the dinner date, I was nervous. My body felt shivers and I couldn't understand whether it was from excitement or anxiousness. He was driving quite rashly, I am also a driver so the reckless driving didn't scare me, i trusted him on this but I knew something about him was the reason behind my sweaty palms. I just couldn't spot it. We remained silent throughout the drive, I wanted to speak and I tried to initiate but he kept it short. Only music was filling the silence. We reached to a mall and I was observing whether he will open the door for me but to my surprise, he didn't. Instead he walked ahead of me. Watching him speeding off didn't leave a good feeling in my chest. He wanted a coffee so we went to get one. I didn't get anything for myself because all of a sudden I wasn't hungry anymore and also I forgot my wallet at home and my self respect didn't allow me to get anything. He ordered a burger for himself and shared some bites with me. I noticed he didn't pull out a chair for me nor did he let me step in and out of elevator first. Throughout the eating process, he remained silent and looked around. I felt awkward as I am lively person and this was the man I wanted to talk to the most. It was just an awkward silence that I wasn't expecting to be a part of our first date at all. He didn't feel like the man I was talking to on phone. That man was responsive, kind. This was just something else.
We went back to the car, again him leading and I following him in heels. Just when I was putting seatbelt on, he kissed me. It was my first kiss and he totally caught me off guard. Right after that he gave me a smug smile. He kissed me again and I was long lost to react on anything. It was a lot. I wanted to stop him but my feelings for him got a hold on me. I regretted that but I couldn't stop it. After dropping me home, he left a text "I had a great time with you". Whereas, I was convincing myself that I had a good time as well. I felt awful sharing my first kiss with him because I wanted intimacy after marriage because that is how Allah SWT has commanded it. but then and there, I couldn't function properly to resist.
After that we didn't talk much about this dinner but a question remained in my mind, "how did he find me?" because to me, he was handsome and I was strongly attracted to him but I never got the clarity on how did I look to him, especially after spending time with him I got more curious. I offered him my support during the tough time and chose not to ask him the question. After his father's surgery, he kept forcing me to have lunches with him and i had without my family's knowing. After our every meet-up the question began eating my head a little more. Finally, after some days I decided to ask the question. To which he got mad. He blamed me for stressing him and accusing him of not liking me even though I just meant to ask him if he liked me. I needed reassurance but he got defensive and "warned" me that my fears and overthinking will ruin our relationship. That was the first stroke that hit my heart and I couldn't believe what happened with me. I felt horrible and cried myself to sleep The next day he acted completely normal and love-bombed me as if nothing happened. I remained silent to avoid conflict.
A few days later, he asked me to accompany him to his home that was in another city (his father's surgery took place in my city and they were in hospital). Now keeping the society where we both belong from, this was a big problem and more than that, Allah wouldn't like it. I refused him and over this he got furious again, blaming me for not wanting to spend time with him. I understood he lived his life in a western country but he knew his culture better than me, his family was far stricter in their customs than mine was and only if they had known that i visited their house before marriage alone with their son, it would have been a hell for me. It was wrong in every sense and I stayed with my decision. Later on, he asked me to meet him for the last time before he left. A day before the meeting, he started joking about having a fetish of having sex with a teenager. I brushed it as a joke (it was bothering me) until he directed it on me and when I asked him to wait for a year as we were to get married, he reasoned that I wouldn't be a teenager anymore and he could not wait that long. I confronted him about feeling manipulated and he got defensive. Long story short, he went back and after some times, he started noticing my silence. He asked me about it and I mustered courage and told him my concerns. He listened to me quietly, didn't react like he normally had done but complained that I hurt him. For which I did feel bad as I never wanted to hurt him.
Now the reason why I wrote this whole story was because he was a totally different man during the first third months of our conversation. He portrayed to be a knight in shining armour. His words held so much meaning and after a long time, I chose to believe. He promised he would be the most understanding and patient person in my life. He felt like my saviour, my best friend and reason to live everyday. I suffered from parental neglect/absence and chronic loneliness and his promises healed my wounds but when he acted contrary to his words, I used to get confused. I loved him, madly that even after five months of no contact, I still wake up and sleep to his thoughts. He has moved on and found someone else but I am back to my lonely self, holding my broken pieces and working on my career. I am a sportsperson so I mostly keep myself busy with my things. I felt like i was in a trauma bond but still again, sometimes I feel due to my past traumas, I lost a good man. He made me believe so with his love bombing. I got addicted to him as he was the only source of my happiness. but I knew it has to end because he disrespected my grandfather and mother because they saw the same signs in my father even though I didn't tell them enough. I didn't believe them until circumstances forced me to. Can you guys tell me what have you gotten from my story because I need to hear it from external sources.
And before anyone judges me for persuading my family to let me meet the guy alone, I need to make it clear that I am single parent child with minimum interaction with my both of my parents. I had been on my own for most of the part and I am used of things that way, it is not by choice. Though, I am a practicing muslim and try my best to please Allah SWT. I made mistakes under the love spell. I would ask you refrain from judging my character and state your opinions in a respectful manner. That'd be great help.

Assalamualaikum brothers and sisters,
I (27) have been married to my wife (24) since Fall 2022. Unfortunately during the past 2 years, we have been going through a lot of hardships and it's negatively impacted our marriage and it seems like all of our disputes are worse and worse.
It got really bad a few days ago. It was my wife's birthday and I wanted to do something special for her, however, my budget was pretty strained due to financial hardships I've had to endure in the past year. My wife is well aware of my financial situation, and some days seems to understand but other times doesn't seem to give a single care and acts like the most entitled brat. Fast forward to her birthday, she asks me what I got her while we're driving to the city. Her mood immediately changes and she starts crying. I got her a nice watch and a one of those wavy mirrors she's been asking for. Initially, she thinks the watch is nice but when she googles the watch and sees that it was only $200 and from Nominal, she gets angry. And she said the mirror doesn't count as a gift because "it's for the house", like what the hell? I also ordered a Sony camera but she made me cancel it because it's not the Canon G7 camera (which has been out of stock for almost a year). I try to cheer her up and tell her I'll get her another gift instead, but she doesn't seem to care.
We get to the restaurant, and she's still in a mood. Doesn't want to take photos and when I made a slight mistake when ordering the wrong item, she just gave me a death stare. Despite this, I tried to keep the spirits high and we fed each other. Once we leave, she just tells me she wants to go home but I had plans to take her to more places. Unfortunately it started to rain, so I was only able to take her to this small museum.
She goes on telling me how I ruin all of her special days and how she resents me, marrying me was a big mistake, I never want to see her happy, and how she wishes I was severely autistic like my brother so we would've never met. I was just so hurt by everything, and on top of this she just cursed me out and said I hope I never become a father and never ever see the face of success or get my dream car because "I killed all her dreams".
This is literally a few days after we completed our Umrah together btw.
I know in previous arguments, she's weaponized divorce and shown extreme levels of anger but we try to make up after a while. But this situation and some of the previous recent arguments has me seriously reconsidering my marriage and who I've given up my emotional and financial stability for.
We got married against the wishes of my parents and I managed to get their blessings and I tried really hard to prove everyone wrong that our relationship wouldn't be toxic, but it seems like what everyone has warned me about is coming to life. I've turned a blind eye to a lot of the toxicity and I was hoping our Umrah together would finally bring us closer together. I honestly did not want this type of life for myself or my wife.
Everyone has high hopes for me, I was the first to graduate from college and I got a job with the state, but I have nothing to show for it besides loads of credit card debt due to a bad contractor and due to my wife being unable to come to terms with compromising and adapting our lifestyle to our financial situation.
I admit I am nowhere near perfect and I wish I could give her a grand birthday every year, but I wished she'd at least be grateful I was still buying gifts and taking the time to travel on her birthday despite our situation.
I am thankful for what she's been able to do for me despite being unemployed, such as buying a phone for me on my birthday, but I've been satisfied with much lesser value gifts from her before. I don't see the value of the gift and determine how good it is, as long as you take the time and effort to do anything, I'll be happy.
At this point I don't know what to do. I can't go my parents because they won't be of any guidance or help, and I don't want to bring her parents into this because she'll end up taking out her anger on them too.
Wallahi, I love her but this has created a huge dilemma for me. I don't want to disrespected so badly because of this and I'm worried that she may never change her ways. If I hurt her, it's always been unintentional but she goes out of her way to hurt me when she's angry. It's so shameful that this happened right after our Umrah.
Any guidance or advice would be greatly appreciated. Because I'm at a wits end.

I (26F) have been with my husband (30M) for nearly 4 years and got married at the beginning of this year. I’ve always been extremely insecure in our relationship and I felt like he was never over his ex (or basically anyone he had any kind of relationship with before me) and that he settled for me. Admittedly, in the very beginning of our relationship he had inadvertently compared me to his ex. I also read an old journal of his where he went on for pages about how much he loved her and all the things he loved about her. All these years later and being married, I still replay it and I’ve convinced myself he thinks about her and compares me all the time.
We got into an argument this morning because I had a dream he was cheating on me with his ex, and I asked him if he regrets marrying me. He got very upset and now thinks I regret our marriage because I bring up how I think he doesn’t love me all the time. He says he can’t keep defending himself and I look for things to validate the narrative I created. I love him more than anything, but I have this intense fear it’s not reciprocated. He does nice things for me, treats me well, supports me, and the only issue we really have in our relationship is our communication skills (but honestly I know I’m more of the problem with that) so I have no true reason to feel like this, but I do.
I have been in therapy for nearly 3 years, but my first therapist never mentioned BPD, while my current therapist thinks I show traits but hasn’t formally diagnosed me yet.
Any advice on how to move past this? I feel like I’m ruining my marriage.

I'm in my rewatch of season 2 before discovering season 3 and I needed to vent my feelings about the Sharma family.
The three Sharma women have their responsabilities in S2 mess and their own flaws. But they also have some excuses for their actions.
Kate SHARMA:
She had to take care of her mother and sister at a young age, putting her own dreams aside. She also developed a feeling of inferiority and a fear of not being part of this family now her father was no longer there and she was left with her stepmother and half-sister, both from nobility while Kat is a commoner.
So she gave up marriage, her dreams and focused on raising her sister to allow her to have the luxury life and marriage she deserved. However, by doing this, she projected all her regrets and expectations onto her younger sister, turning/raising Edwina into the perfect debutante: always in control and perfection who never shows her true personality (and who didn't have one really), only seeking to please others and find the perfect rich husband.
Thus, Edwina has become self-centered while remaining naive, inexperienced and with the pressure of finding a good husband (being sheltered by her mother and her sister who project their own expectations and regrets onto her).
Kate shaped her sister this way, which is a disservice. Then, behind her back, she has reciprocal feelings and desire for Edwina suitor and never protects her sister from this. On the contrary, she even pushes Anthony to maintain his engagement under the pretext Edwina would have developed feelings for him. Her guilt, feeling of inferiority and of owing something to her sister push her to condemn Edwina to a miserable life. If her suitor proposes to her only to escape his attraction to her sister and continues to desire Kat behind her back, what future does Edwina have with Anthony if not a life of sorrow?
The same goes for the grandparents' money. Even though Kate had to take charge of her family, she had no right to hide from her mother and sister that the grandparents who disowned the mother would give their money under certain conditions. Mary had the right to know and decide whether she wanted to reconnect with her parents. Edwina had the right to know and decide whether she wanted to inherit from her grandparents on the terms they set. Hiding something so important from them was a mistake. Kate projected her own fears onto her family without even trying to find out what they wanted. She has an inferiority complex due to her status as a commoner and didn't want her mother and sister to be dragged down but it was not up to her to make the decision.
Mary SHARMA: She made the choice to run away with a widowed servant who already had a child rather than marry a man of her rank. She chose to become Kate's stepmother and live a more difficult life. However, when her husband died, she collapsed (which is understandable but not if the child who was not hers had to become responsible for her). She let her eldest daughter become responsible for their family at a young age, having to manage their financial life and her younger sister's education. Mary has completely renounced her parental authority to leave Kate the caretaker of the family. Kate yearned for love, for a family and overnight, she decided to raise her sister so that the latter had this life and no longer her.
As a mother, Mary should have seen her eldest was sacrificing her happiness and dreams for her younger sister. Kate was afraid of not deserving this family, of not really being part of it, of being responsible (now that her father is no longer there) for the precariousness that these two noble women suffered. And Mary, as a mother, should have realized what Kate was thinking, reassured her and helped her instead of having an attitude that, in many ways, was that of a stepmother and not a mother.
Mary knows Kate wants to return to India as soon as Edwina is married to become a governess. What mother would accept being separated from her child in another continent who would live a solitary life even if the child says she wants her freedom? And when we know Kate has simply resigned herself to this existence because she doesn't think she has a place in her noble step/half-family and not because she truly desires this life, it's revolting that Mary doesn't realize Kate's desperation.
Mary failed as a mother to Kate, she failed as a mother to Edwina, and she failed as a widow because her husband would never have tolerated seeing what his two daughters were driven to become.
Edwina Sharma:
She is young, very young and has no life experience. Her mother and sister never prepared her for the hardness of life, the cruelty of this world, the lies of men and, quite simply, the responsibilities of a life as a wife. She lives in the bubble her family created for her: transformed into an accomplished young girl who adapts to her audience, always saying the right thing, smiling and obedient. She learned not to make waves, to always try to please, not to enter into conflict, not to make a stand for those she love (like at dinner when she greets her grandparents with a big smile without worrying about the suffering her mother had because of them). In many ways, she is oblivious to the suffering of others and their problems because she was raised to be the center of attention, being the youngest and her family only hope to secure wealth.
She was raised to be the perfect wife and so she dreams of being one and only thinks about finding the ideal husband according to the image she has created for herself. When she meets Anthony, he is handsome, the most popular of the suitors and he pursues her with great ardor which, in her limited, inexperienced child's mind, means that he values ​​her a lot. He has a great title, great wealth, is handsome and wants her as his wife. It doesn't take much for Edwina who, at that moment, is not looking for love (contrary to what Kate, projecting her own aspirations, tells her).
She has learned so much that marriage is the ultimate goal that she doesn't even take the time to realize the situation she's getting herself into: she sees Anthony as he tries to make himself appear to her and not as he really is. Even when there were signs: the duplicity of Anthony who sent a friend to distract Kate, the unbridled passion of the Bridgerton siblings while playing (which isolated Edwina who didn't understand that nobles let go of maners like this, she who always learned to stay in line).
She is particularly cruel in her words towards Kate at the last part of the season and she never should have say that. But she is a teenager whose world has just fallen apart, betrayed by the person she trusted the most and the man she was going to entrust her life to. Her sister was more than a sister, she was her teacher, mentor, friend and guardian.
From Edwina point of vue, Kate raised her, put into her head everything Edwina thinks about marriage and life. She's the one who put this burden on her shoulders and turned her into this diamond but betrayed her like this because Kat was never honest. If the latter had told her family her fears, her aspirations, their financial problem etc... Edwina could have acted differently. But Kate never gave her the chance. She pushed her down this path then betrayed her by acting against everything Kate said: she said she wants freedom and not to get married but she developed feelings for her sister's fiancé, she said Anthony wasn't an acceptable suitor and tried to dissuade Edwina from marrying him but in fact Kate had developed feelings for him and find him acceptable. In Edwina's eyes, Kate is a hypocrite who put pressure on the child she was because she couldn't have that for herself but ended up compromising everything anyway because deep down, Kate hadn't given up on having what she wanted Edwina to have. And, in many ways, she is right. Kate failed as a big sister and made many mistakes even if the main fault lies with the parent: Mary.
Conclusion:
For me, of the three, Edwina is the least to blame. She is a child, unlike the other two, who developed flaws because of the way her mother and sister raised her. Many brothers or sisters say horrible things in a moment of anger. Even though it's horrible and she shouldn't have, one of the main causes of their problems is precisely that Kate sees herself as her half-sister and has decided to distance herself from her family, causing all those problems. Edwina is betrayed, humiliated, heartbroken, her reputation may be shattered, her future ruined. I think in this situation, even though it's horrible, it can be excused that she calls Kat her half-sister, pinpointing the root cause of the situation they find themselves in.
Kate is to blame for the choices she made, her indecision, the mistakes she continued to make, and her weaknesses. She raised her sister to marry a rich man while trying to belatedly remind her to marry for love (because that's what she would want for herself). Her indecision in the way she raised and married her sister, her lack of courage and her choices caused all this mess. However, she suffers from the trauma of her father's death, from having the feeling of having to owe it to her mother and her sister to meet their needs because they are noble, unlike her. And, in many ways, if she came to have such a complex it's because her mother did not give her enough trust and a place in her own family. So I understand her doubts and fears, I understand, admire and respect the sacrifices she made. But I also don't excuse her attitude towards her sister and some choices she made. Her indecision between wanting to secure wealth and seeing her sister marry for love as Kate wanted for herself, between wanting her sister's happiness but wishing her own happiness over hers had terrible consequences and could have ruined her sister's life.
Mary is the main culprit in all of this. Her lack of discernment, her weakness at the death of her husband, her longing for the luxury of her birthright, all this was noticed by her eldest who had to provide for the needs of Mary and Edwina, renounce her own life, keep quiet her feelings and thoughts, and spend 10 years preparing a secure life for them of which she would not be a part of.
This blended family suffered from a cruel lack of communication, a lack of listening and attention and a lack of trust. Each of these women locked themselves in their own bubble, in their own suffering, their own problems and expectations and they all missed out on what the others were going through.
My regret is that the season decided to drag out this drama for so long without giving the audience and characters enough time to resolve this mess in a more appropriate and interesting way, allowing for real character development and a real lesson to learn from this situation.
P.S : Of course, since my post is about the Sharma family, I am not discussing Anthony who has a huge share of responsibility in the story and who should also have had more time to redeem himself and deserve his happy ending

My girlfriend and I were together for two years, part of it was long distance. We were previously good friends for 5 years, then she was the one that caught feelings and pursued me first. During our relationship she always told me things like “I’m the one”, we talked about how we would get married and grow old together, she made so many promises that she was 100% sure of me and that she’d never leave. She would say things like “we’ve known each other in every lifetime”. We got together even though I was leaving for a masters study, she said she thought she’d never do long distance again but for me it was worth it, bc she was 100% sure I’m the guy she wants. I left a week after we got together, and I was gone for about a year. During that time we visited once a month, it was always great. I eventually moved back and we spent another year together in person. I’m sorry if this post is too long.
She ended things about a month ago. During the breakup she gave me very vague answers so I couldn’t get the closure I needed. I decided to reach out a week after the breakup to ask why she did it, and what she said killed me inside.
She said that she knew we were compatible and I’m an amazing person but felt like she was settling for me, and she didn’t want to live her life like that when she thinks she can find something better. She said she believes in that soulmate connection with one person when you know deep inside you that this is “it”, and she didn’t feel like that with me, she didn’t think I was “it”. But we did say to each other during the relationship that this was “it”, she told me so many times that I’m the one, so I don’t know how a flip just switched in her brain. She also said she realized she didn’t love me in the way “real love” is, and maybe she just loved the idea of me. She said she always felt the need to be accepted and loved by people and I made her feel like that. She said when you truly love someone you’d sacrifice things for them, and she wouldn’t sacrifice things for me. She said she was forcing herself to be comfortable around me, and it wasn’t the type of comfort that it should be with “the one”.
How the fuck does it take you two years to realize you don’t love someone in the way “real love” is? Especially after all the emotional intimacy we shared. How could you be uncomfortable with me? I was her first kiss, her first hand hold, she said she was saving those things for the right person and she did them with me. Why would she feel like shes settling for me when she’s the one that pursued me first? She went all out to “get me” and be in a relationship with me. Am I really the type of guy that gets settled for? That hurts like hell. She said she was having all these thoughts during the last 4 months of the relationship. But literally a month ago, I felt that she’s been a bit cold, and I asked if everything was okay. She said “nothings wrong, I’ve been really stressed with school/work. But nothings wrong with us, maybe something’s just wrong with me with all the stress. But we’re good, that doesn’t mean I don’t love you or that I’d ever give up on us, I’d never do that. Don’t worry I still love you and I’ll always be here.” She said that word for word. So she was lying to me? Why would you lie instead of communicating openly? If she had told me she was having those thoughts it would’ve been easier for me, but she gave me that reassurance and then blindsided me a month later. I told her it’s normal to lose feelings in a relationship after a while, that eventually that initial spark or honeymoon phase ends, and that’s when the real relationship starts and you work on building a life together. Love eventually becomes a choice and not just a feeling. But she said she wouldn’t lose feelings with the right person. Now I’m the wrong person when she literally told me a million times that we were always meant for each other. I told her I think she’ll end up being disappointed when she realizes there is no “one” person that gives you that magical feeling for life, you eventually reach a point where you have to choose that person everyday. Relationships are hard and most of them end up losing that initial spark, but it’s an opportunity for a new kind of love to blossom, a love based off commitment and loyalty to each other. That’s the only way a relationship can last forever. And during our relationship we even acknowledged that fact together and we told each other that if the feelings fade we will always choose each other no matter what happens. It makes no sense to me. And if she actually lost feelings and fell out of love, that’s fine. But to say she never loved me in the way “real love” is, that makes no sense to me and it’s killing me inside. Have I just been blind and stupid the entire relationship? How does it take TWO YEARS to realize that? She said to me, “maybe you can choose someone and settle for them and learn to love them, but I believe there’s one person out there that is meant for me and when I find them I will know it deep inside me.” Yea, I believed that too. I believed it because I thought it was you. Just because I chose you doesn’t mean I’m settling for you or learning to love you. I thought you were meant for me. It’s so ridiculous I don’t understand, she used to be so sure that I was the one, she knew it deep inside her that I was. And now she’s saying that when she finds it, she’ll know. Well you knew it with me and now you don’t.
Part of me understands why she lost feelings, we didn’t really have a strong base. We were together for only a week before I left for a year. I feel like it wasn’t enough time for the physical attraction to build up and to get to know each other in person. By the time we visited each other, a lot of time had passed and the spark wasn’t the same as the beginning, it was kinda awkward at first. We got into a serious committed relationship talking about future marriage, before we ever hugged each other. She was scared to kiss me, maybe that’s why she said she was forcing herself to be comfortable. But eventually we kissed and it was great. During the visits it felt like everything was going great and that our relationship was getting stronger. I didn’t think that she was uncomfortable. I feel like if we had done all the intimate things in the beginning, we would have a base to build off of and the spark would be alive.
Also I keep blaming myself and wondering what I did wrong. I’m just certain that it’s my fault, that I made her lose attraction. Maybe I wasn’t manly enough or attractive enough. Maybe I was too boring or uninteresting or too “stable”. Being in love with someone basically means you have to be sexually attracted to them first, that’s what separates family love from romantic love. Maybe I didn’t do enough to keep her attracted to me, so she felt like she lost feelings. It was really hard with the distance. I tried, I really tried. I would always flirt and tease her, I tried not to let the relationship feel like it was a platonic friendship over time. I was always confident and “manly” with her, I stood my ground when she did things I didn’t like, I wasn’t needy. We sexted and video called all the time. I always planned amazing dates. I tried to keep the fun alive. I don’t know what else I could’ve done to keep her attracted. I truly feel like if we had been in person the whole time, it would’ve worked and she would’ve still been attracted to me. It’s just different when you’re there physically. But we both knew this, we acknowledged that it was gonna be hard and the feelings may fade, but we said we’d always choose each other no matter what. Maybe it was inevitable with the distance, but at the end she said it wasn’t because of the distance, she believes with the right person the distance wouldn’t matter. So I just wasn’t the right person for her, I was for a while, but I let her lose attraction for me. Your view on love and attraction may differ, but I learned that it’s the guy’s responsibility to keep a woman attracted, it’s about how he acts and behaves that keeps her attracted. So it’s my fault she lost attraction, it’s something I did. For example when I look back at the first visit, a mistake I made was asking to kiss her instead of just going for it. She said no, maybe because I came off as unconfident and that turned her off. I was so nervous during the first visit because there was so much expectation built up inside my head. Maybe that prevented me from being able to genuinely enjoy myself around her and attract her. Eventually though, we got comfortable with each other and we kissed and it was great. I felt the spark was there. I don’t think she met someone else, I asked her and she said no. Yea maybe she could’ve lied, but i know her and I don’t think she would do that. She said “you know me, I would never allow myself to do that while I’m in a relationship. The reasons are solely because I don’t feel in love with you anymore.”
We hit a little rut near the end because we were both very busy, but I didn’t think it was concerning because she always gave reassurance and made it seem like everything is fine. It feels like shit hearing that someone was settling for me. Why wasn’t I enough? I keep looking back and thinking what I could’ve done different to keep her attracted. I keep nitpicking at myself and feeling insecure about the way I am. She was so sure of me in the beginning so I must’ve done something along the way to make her lose feelings. She let me tear my walls down and trust her fully, then she left. It feels like I’m not worthy of love because she saw something in me and decided she didn’t want me. What hurts the most is that to me, she was “it”, to me she was the one. And she said that to me too and I believed her. I felt that she truly meant it when she said that. She would tell me she was always attracted to me and had feelings during our friendship but she “locked them in a box” because she was too afraid. She even told me that I was a walking green flag and that I was perfect and I did nothing wrong. It hurts to know she thinks that yet she still decided she didn’t want me. It kills to know that one day she’ll get married, he’ll get to hold her and kiss her and have a family, and it won’t be with me. I can’t stand the thought of her being intimate with someone else. And it’s the thought that, whoever she ends up with, will be better than me in a way. She will love him more than she loved me. He will make her feel what I couldn’t make her feel. And I’m blaming myself so much that I couldn’t make her feel like that anymore. I’m grieving the future that we both planned together. I feel so betrayed, I feel like shit. Most of all I just really miss her, we knew each other for 7 years and now we’re just strangers again.
I’ve been hurt before, I’ve had a few breakups, but this one hurts the most. I don’t know what it is about this girl that makes me feel like I’ll never find anyone better. I know that time heals everything but I feel like this has damaged me on a deep level, I feel like I can’t let my walls down again. I don’t want to love again and risk getting hurt. I can’t invest myself fully into someone if I’m always afraid they’re going to blindside me. I know a breakup shouldn’t define your self worth, but it’s just the idea that the person I loved doesn’t see herself spending her life with me anymore, that makes me feel really bad. It’s the thought that she saw something in me that made her decide she doesn’t love me. She analyzed our relationship and thought “I want someone better”. The thought that it’s my fault, that it’s something I did. I didn’t have enough “game”. I couldn’t keep her attraction high. I can’t stand the idea of her getting married one day and finding her “it”. Of course I want her to be happy but I’d be lying if I said that doesn’t kill me inside.
Nobody is perfect but she was close to it. She’s such a rare breed, she had everything I wanted in a woman and it’s so hard to come by. I wish I had a reason to hate her but she’s genuinely an amazing person. She did nothing bad to me, we barely fought and when we did it was very gentle. Our entire relationship was pretty much perfect up until the end. I’ve never been with someone that was this compatible with me. She’s the kindest human, she’s intelligent, she’s very mature, she’s beautiful inside and out, she’s very warm and gentle. And the fact that she’s such a sweet and genuine person makes it way harder. If she had cheated or something I think this would’ve been easier on me, because I’d see her as a bad person. But she’s not a bad person. It hurts way more knowing that she was feeling like she wanted to end things, but at the same time she was trying to convince herself to love me, because she didn’t want to hurt me. She didn’t want to break her promises, she was trying so hard not to, but in the end she couldn’t lie to herself anymore. Why do I have to feel like someone has to convince themselves to love me? Why does someone have to force themselves to believe I’m the one? Why can’t anyone ever just truly believe it with their entire soul, that they want to be with me. When I asked for reassurance and she told me she still loved me and would never give up, she was trying to convince herself because she didn’t want to hurt me. It was all lies. Every “I love you” in the last 4 months was a lie. I feel like such an idiot that I was sitting there for the past 4 months thinking that everything was going great. She was just faking her affection the whole time. Imagine hearing that someone was forcing themselves to love you. No one was forcing you! The exit door has always been open, no one forced her to stay, no one forced her to pursue me in the first place. I told her many times that I just want truth and transparency in our relationship, yet she hid all of those things. She said she hid them because she cared about me and didn’t want to hurt me, and she was trying to make it work. But if she truly cared for me, she would know that I deserve honesty, I deserve to know the truth even if it hurts. I don’t deserve to live in a lie. If she cared for me she would let me go find someone who truly loves me, instead of just pretending to love me. By lying, she was only caring about herself, to relieve herself of the guilt. The breakup would’ve been way smoother if she just told the truth from the start, but now I feel like an idiot who sat there for 4 months thinking that everything was going well, when in reality it wasn’t.
There’s so many things I loved about her. I loved the way she cries during every movie, she thinks she’s too sensitive but I think it’s beautiful to feel your emotions that deeply. I loved the way her face lights up when she smiles. I loved how she would call me just to tell me silly little things about her day. I loved her curiosity and wonder for the universe. I loved how she would run into my arms when she saw me. She just understood me, and I understood her. I can’t hate her, I wish I could, but I just love her with all my heart. I don’t think I’ll ever stop. Even when 20 years pass and I’m over this and we’re both married to other people, I will still love her and wish the best for her. I miss her so much, I miss talking to her. I know we can't be friends, but I really wish I could still have her in my life. But I shouldn't wish that I guess, because she decided she wants to live her life without me in it. I can’t believe she could decide to lose me forever when she always said she could never live without me.
The worst part is, I reacted to the break up very emotionally. I showed how hurt I was, I wrote a long paragraph, and I brought up all the promises she made. That was a mistake, it probably killed any ounce of attraction she had left. If there was any chance of her coming back or realizing it was a mistake, I destroyed that chance. I made it look like I can’t live without her. I didn’t beg for her back at all, but I kept pushing for answers and explanations. I asked her what I did wrong and stuff, and that made me look super desperate. I should’ve just accepted the break up immediately and cut off all communication. Maybe then she would’ve thought about it, she would wonder why I wasn’t upset and have second thoughts about her decision. It would make me look more attractive in her eyes. But no I ruined it forever. Now all I want to do is salvage some respect, to make her see me as a valuable person. Not as someone who can’t live without her. Deep down I really want her to have a change of heart, I want her to feel re-attracted somehow, after having some time and space away from the situation. But I ruined her image of me. Now I’m looking back and analyzing every little thing about our relationship and wondering what I should’ve done better. I realized I made a lot of mistakes, which at the time I didn’t think were mistakes, but now looking back it’s probably my fault she lost attraction. I didn’t do enough.
I told myself during the relationship that “everything is temporary, don’t get too attached, life can change at any moment”. I know those things because I’ve learned my lessons from the past, but this is still killing me. I know almost everyone has been heartbroken, I’m nothing special, every human has been through this before. I just need to hear that it wasn’t my fault or that I’ll find someone better eventually. I’m blaming myself a lot right now and I keep thinking that she wouldn’t have left if I had been attractive enough. I generally consider myself a confident person but this has set me back a lot, it’s ruining my self esteem. Maybe I have attachment issues that I need to work on. I know that time will heal this, but right now I can’t imagine myself finding someone that’s better. I feel like the idea of “the one” has been ruined for me. I want to believe it, but I don’t think I do anymore. Even if I find another person who I think is the one, there’s always the possibility that they will change their mind. There’s always a chance that all of their words and actions were just lies. A lot of people get into relationships because they love the idea of being in love, not because they are actually in love with the person.
Thank you for reading this far, I know it’s a long post. I needed somewhere to vent, I don’t have many people to talk to. When I cry, I cry alone. And during the act of crying I start to hate myself for being such a bitch. I know it’s perfectly okay to cry and feel your emotions but it’s hard to escape the conditioning that I’m used to. I have friends and family but, I can’t express my emotions the way I did in this post. People have their own lives and worries and they don’t want to deal with someone’s silly heartbreak I guess.
TL;DR - my gf and I broke up a month ago, she said she was settling for me and that I wasn’t the “one”, even though she made promises and assured me that she wouldn’t leave. I keep blaming myself and wondering what I did wrong.

I (26F) have been with my husband (30M) for nearly 4 years and got married at the beginning of this year. I’ve always been extremely insecure in our relationship and I felt like he was never over his ex (or basically anyone he had any kind of relationship with before me) and that he settled for me. Admittedly, in the very beginning of our relationship he had inadvertently compared me to his ex. I also read an old journal of his where he went on for pages about how much he loved her and all the things he loved about her. All these years later and being married, I still replay it and I’ve convinced myself he thinks about her and compares me all the time.
We got into an argument this morning because I had a dream he was cheating on me with his ex, and I asked him if he regrets marrying me. He got very upset and now thinks I regret our marriage because I bring up how I think he doesn’t love me all the time. He says he can’t keep defending himself and I look for things to validate the narrative I created. I love him more than anything, but I have this intense fear it’s not reciprocated. He does nice things for me, treats me well, supports me, and the only issue we really have in our relationship is our communication skills (but honestly I know I’m more of the problem with that) so I have no true reason to feel like this, but I do.
I have been in therapy for nearly 3 years, but my first therapist never mentioned BPD, while my current therapist thinks I show traits but hasn’t formally diagnosed me yet.
Any advice on how to move past this? I feel like I’m ruining my marriage.

My family always had so many pets when I was growing up, at one point when I was in elementary school we had 8 dogs and 5 cats. That was already a lot. I dealt with a lot of mental illness growing up and addictions to TV, internet, gaming, pornography, etc, didn't care about school, was groomed on the internet, and my parents just let me drop out of high school. From then my mom started really hoarding animals, rescuing cats by the litter over the years to the point where now I think she has 50 cats or so spread between the small cottage we live in and a larger trailer. She works overtime and uses all the rest of her time taking care of all of them as well as feeding other feral cats she can't catch. My dad lost his job and now spends his days in misery cleaning up and taking care of cats, and their marriage is the most toxic thing I've ever seen. My mother doesn't even call my father by his real name, she gave him an unrelated name she just calls him by.
All my life from age 12 to 20 the first thing I heard almost every single morning was them yelling and arguing. I've never seen them show each other love. They're just so toxic and abusive and codependent towards each other.
I've been in relationships where I could move out and live with my partners, but my issues usually end up ruining the relationship. I'm so emotionally stunted and filled with anxiety and insecurity about the future. I can't blame my parents or my living situation for all my problems but I felt unable to really get a good footing in the world for my entire life, or witness models for healthy relationships. Most of my partnerships were codependent and obsessive because I felt such a need to escape from my home life.
I got my high school diploma, drivers license, a car, and have been working entry level jobs for a few years but I know I need to figure out college or something for my future. But the only thing I can afford to do is live in this house and somehow build a future here. I used to have one cat that lived in my bedroom, then my mom got 4 more kittens and they've grown up while I was gone and living with my boyfriend for a year. I moved back here a few weeks ago.
Now what was my only sanctuary constantly needs to be cleaned up, things get knocked off my desk or dragged around, I have two litter boxes in my room, there's cat litter and fur everywhere, I need to listen to white noise to even fall asleep because there are 5 full grown cats getting their zoomies in the middle of the night and they all live exclusively in this bedroom. They defecate at night and because their litterbox is like 8 feet from my bed, I smell it and it wakes me up. (That also can't be healthy for me at all)
My parents and even my mother alone make enough money that we could have a nice middle class life. They could've afforded to send me to college, to have a bigger house, to have money in savings, to go on vacations. Instead, we live in a small one bathroom two bedroom house, my mom lives paycheck to paycheck because she spends thousands of dollars a month on cats.
I feel like I've always been the only one who worried constantly about the future. What happens when all the cats get old and start dying? What happens when the economy gets worse and we have nothing in savings? What if suddenly we can't afford to take care of all these cats? Is it really morally better to rescue cats from living outside so they can live in cramped spaces and not possibly get the attention they deserve as pets?
My mom is mentally ill and is delusional as hoarders are, she will not listen to reason. I think she could also qualify as legitimately insane. My dad is so depressive and ruminates and complains about the living situation/my mother constantly as if I don't already know all of it. Yet I can't help but feel betrayed by him, he's the one who stayed with her as things got worse and worse. He was an adult when all this was happening, I was just a teenager.
I know it might be entitled to expect my parents to just provide me things like a more comfortable/healthy home, college, etc. My mom helps with my car insurance and I do have a bed, a shower, and a roof over my head. I can't act like I have it as bad as people whose parents are legitimately abusive, extremely neglectful, or kick their kids out leaving them to fend for themselves. I'm grateful for my life, I know it could be way worse.
I just can't help but feel like it's such a waste. Some people have hard lives because it's the best they can manage or they were dealt a bad hand. It's harder to have sympathy for people that just make their lives hard for themselves. Maybe my mother being mentally ill and feeling the compulsion to make her entire life about hoarding animals IS really out of her control. But it was still her choice to drastically lower the quality of her own, her husband, and her son's lives. And she has absolutely no remorse or empathy for that.
But even outside of the ways I'd benefit directly from more emotional/financial support from them, I just wish they had better lives? To see parents who either love each other or get divorced so I can stop seeing them at their worst all the time. To have some models of financial responsibility/security that just...makes sense even from the perspective of self preservation. My parents never showed me nothing to look forward to in life besides obesity, addiction, pain, misery, toxic relationships, hoarding, irresponsibility, codependency and things never getting better.

I (m34) have been battling childhood trauma, physical and verbal abuse, neglect for my entire teen/adult years. I suffer from panic disorder and major depression with suicidal ideations. I met my wife (f32) in 2012 and we were married in November of 2014. I carried baggage into our marriage, baggage I didn’t want anyone to carry or see. It ate at me. It was a virus that consumed who I was every day. As our life became more grand, I continued to decline. I followed her to a new city, I wanted her to be everything she wanted as long as I was there. Because she made the pain numb. But it started to be more than I could handle. 6 years in I was at my lowest in life. I couldn’t see or feel. We have two children and I had a good job but I wasn’t happy in anything, she was successful and still is. She is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen walk this earth.
I made the decision to take my life, I spent a few weeks recording videos on my phone after work for her and the girls and my brother in law. I wanted them to know that I was broken and I needed help but I never had the strength to say it to them. They were all so much better than I was. They were all amazing and successful and I just never felt real. I never felt like a human.
My wife took our girls out of town for a trip and I was to meet them on Sunday. Friday night I went out with a group of friends that I cherished them so much because they were there everyday at work and they created this alternate reality that seemed to be beyond the realm of my darkest thoughts. After the night was ending I invited a few over for drinks in the garage, it was a last hoorah for me, I had already planned to take my life that night in the tub at home. Two friends decided to tag along. One being a female that was also in a weird part of life. We all drank and smoked weed to terrible lengths and they left. As I was closing up and beginning to arrange my plan she called saying she left her vape on the bumper of my car in the garage and she was stopping back by. I headed out to open up and meet her, she walked in, grabbed it from my hand and started kissing me. One then led to the uncontrollable other and we ended up having sex which seemed to last 2 mins but the damage was done. I immediately felt guilty and told her to leave. I felt such shame and anger with myself. I closed up again. Poured one last drink, got my gun out of the case, got the videos ready to send and sat in the tub. But I couldn’t pull the trigger. I couldn’t send the videos. I sobbed for most the night and ended up laying down and falling asleep.
That Monday morning I dropped my daughter off at daycare and she looked at me like she saw every dark corner of me and still seemed to love who I am. I called my wife and broke down about my suicidal ideations, my depression, my anxiety. But I kept my mistake from her because it didn’t mean anything to me and I didn’t want to ruin my marriage over it.
My wife is my entire life. I have made it almost 4 years in recovery with her help. I have changed my career, I am a better father, a better person, a better husband. But she lost herself giving up her identity to save me. All the while I harbored the friendship with this toxic girl who I cheated with because I thought she was important to my life. I thought she was part of my healing. It was terribly wrong. And I manipulated my wife so often to try to keep this relationship that she often accused of being inappropriate for me and our marriage.
We moved away, started a new life. And things have been going well for 3 solid years, but after I started feeling better, the guilt consumed me.
Two days ago, I broke the news to her that I was unfaithful and lied to her.
It crushed her. And she doesn’t think it can be fixed. I don’t blame her but I don’t see a life without her. I want to be here with her and my girls forever. I am fixed because of her. And I broke her in the process.
What do I do to save my marriage? She is the blood in my veins.

Hi everyone thought I would give you an update as to what's been happening the last couple of weeks for those of you who are still interested.
Firstly I'm still at my moms and I got my little kitten. I've named her sascha and she is the sweetest thing but very energetic. For those of you asking for pictures I'll try, but she refuses to stay still long enough to get a one that's not blurred. I love her already. My mom continues to be my rock. IM still waiting for therapy but am finding reddit useful and therapeutic and the support I've received from most of the people on here has been great and helped me see things more clearly so a big thankyou to everyone.
As for my ex now that we've broken up I feel lighter and free and being away from him has made me see all the red flags that I was blind to in our relationship and feel like I've dodged a bullet. Luke (using real names because my posts were discovered) is not taking the breakup well and has taken over from my father constantly bothering me.
If you read this Luke we are DONE and I'm not changing my mind so stop calling me, stop coming to the house and stop sending me flowers! I'm moving on so you should too.
My sister Emma is still firmly on my side and has washed her hands of Jane (stepmonster) and they are not on speaking terms after my sister told everyone about Janes affairs.
Jane is still trying to save face saying my sister is lying and telling everyone she can how we are just the worst and that we have treated her terrible over the years and trying to ruin her marriage. Don't think anyone is buying what she is saying. She has sent abusive messages to me and my sister and when we've bumped into her she's been screaming at us and threatening us. My sisters car had been keyed and my store windows were smashed. We can't prove its her unfortunately but she is the most likely culprit.
My half siblings are definitely my dads children they tested then years ago when she was a baby. From what I've heard they're not speaking to Jane at all.
As for my dad he seems to have grown a spine and has kicked out Jane she is now living with her parents. From what I've heard he's thinking about divorce. I havnt had any contact with my dad except for a text saying he was sorry for everything. As for getting a restraining order I'm more concerned about getting one against Jane at the moment.

I am 32 years old, married for 6.5 years, and I just had my trans awakening in March 2024 (MtF). I went through my whole life generally apathetic and just following society's guidelines for what life is supposed to look like: finish high school, go to college, get a good job, find a girlfriend, marry her, have kids, retire comfortably, die.
I thought I was acing life because I was naturally good with academia, and that was all my life had to be for 13-14 years. As for relationships, I had a fairly strong sex drive, and my desire for a partner was strictly governed by that expectation. My first relationship in high school was all sex. It ended with her cheating on me right before college.
Well there goes one of my checkboxes on the life list. Let me just focus on college so I can do the next thing: get a good job. But oh no, it's already senior year and I never even tried meeting a potential partner. How will I have time once I'm a working adult? I better create an online dating profile and stick with the first girl I match with.
Good enough was good enough, and 4 years later my parents pry and ask me what my intentions are. Guess it's time to get married. Things felt good; weddings are fun. I was doing all the right things. 2 years in and it's time for the next checkbox: children.
But there was a problem. We still never figured out exactly what, but it was likely a combination of poor sperm quality and my wife's migraine medication that constricts blood flow, making it impossible for an egg to implant. We tried 3 rounds of IUI and one IVF. Nothing. Looking back I thank the universe that we got stopped here, but at the time I was having an existential crisis. The plan was ruined. What do I do now?
I started going to therapy. I talked about all this, and eventually another secret that had been eating at me for decades: I had a fetish for gender transformation. It was always in the background. My shameful kink. But it started coming out more now that the life plan was broken. After a while I started to wonder if it was really just a fetish, and then on 17Mar24 I posted that question to reddit...and my egg shattered.
Now my therapist tells me how happy and alive I seem when I talk about my progress. She says I'm finally experiencing what it's like to choose my destiny. I didn't even realize I had a "life plan" before. All that I wrote previously in this post is with hindsight. I've never actually "chosen" to do anything. Not with my heart or any passion anyway.
And now that shatters another big part of my life: my marriage. It was based on a lie, one that I had told myself my entire life. I feel like it's finally time to face divorce, but I'm still scared. How do I throw away 11 years of history with this person? Sure it wasn't all good, but it wasn't all bad either. We have inside jokes, we make each other laugh, but there was always this underlying tension that something wasn't right. I don't think I ever loved her. The highs are mid and the lows are deep dark trenches.
I post this after a huge fight we had last night. I have my own girl clothes, but I wanted to try on some of my wife's. She gave me permission. I even tried some on in front of her to get feedback. Everything seems OK. Later she gets drunk and starts getting agitated at me. Turns out she didn't like seeing me in her clothes because she's jealous; she has put on a bit of weight, which I really don't mind but it's a huge deal for her with a history of anorexia, and seeing me look skinny in her old clothes was too much. I told her that wasn't fair and she should have just been up front with me.
This has also been a consistent issue. She claims to be supportive, and often is...when sober. She tends to drink her problems away, which I also find extremely unattractive. But the truth comes out of the bottle. I don't think she can handle this, and I also don't think it's fair to her that I am starting to realize that I don't even love her. She claims to love me, but I think she's scared of being alone. She has no friends and almost no family; both parents dead, grandma's on her way out, and she doesn't even like the rest of her family. She doesn't even like my family or friends that much. She hates people. Everyone but the current relationship. She's actually said so herself. Big red flag that I missed for years.
tldr: I married a person I didn't love because of societal expectations, and now that I'm trans I realize I don't have to conform to those expectations, and it seems to be the end of this marriage

Confused, whether my ex was narcissist or I was doubting all along?
Hey, just wanted to come here and share my story. I am 20-year-old (F). Last year in July, I came across a guy (30M) on an app. We shared same ethnicity but he was living abroad for past decade. We matched, we clicked and I thought this was the man I had been looking for all my life. He seemed so sweet, fun to talk and charming. One thing that pulled me toward him was his respectful and polite attitude towards me (this was big for me since I am coming from a rough childhood), he used to call me 'Miss', respected my opinions, shared his own without making me feel uncomfortable and we were kind of cloning each other. Our beliefs and moral values seemed very similar.
We talked for about two weeks and it was a detailed discussion on life and how we view it. Later on, he told me he was looking for something serious and I, who is coming from traditional muslim culture, wanted nothing more than a serious relationship (marriage). So he sent a proposal my home, his family came and met my family (that is how it happens in our culture). My family was little hesitant because we did have some cultural differences but I wasn't too noisy about it. Long story short, we got engaged in the following September. He couldn't come so his mother fulfilled his duty that was to slip the ring on my finger. After the ceremony I video-called him, excited, and told him about the day and expressed how happy I am. I was expecting something, maybe a little spark in his eyes or something sweet to say but he wasn't reciprocating the enthusiasm. He only smiled and talked a few and that's it. Oftentimes I felt like he wasn't expressing enough but I never let my head go south. I always gave myself an explanation for his actions. Everything was going fine until he had to come to his home country for his father's surgery. During those times, I did my best to remain supportive, empathetic. I gave him space, stood beside him, cheered him up.
A few days before the surgery, he decided to meet me out of a blue and yes, this was first physical interaction. I was in uni when he told me and like every other girl, I wanted our first meeting to be special. For those who are unfamiliar of muslim traditions, it is not preferable to meet alone before nikkah (the marriage ceremony). So my family wanted someone with us and I wasn't much in favour of it. I knew my boundaries and just wanted to have some good time with him. Therefore, I asked him to reschedule so I can convince my family to allow us to meet in a public place. I was only 19 and considering my age, I didn't have much authority to take such decisions. He, on the other hand, got furious because I asked him to reschedule. I felt bad for breaking him as he said he was excited to meet me and he needed me the most in hard times like these. I felt guilty but the next day, we met. He came to my home to pick me up, had a chat with my family. My family (uncle and aunt since I'm living with them after my parents' divorce) allowed us to have dinner.
During the dinner date, I was nervous. My body felt shivers and I couldn't understand whether it was from excitement or anxiousness. He was driving quite rashly, I am also a driver so the reckless driving didn't scare me, i trusted him on this but I knew something about him was the reason behind my sweaty palms. I just couldn't spot it. We remained silent throughout the drive, I wanted to speak and I tried to initiate but he kept it short. Only music was filling the silence. We reached to a mall and I was observing whether he will open the door for me but to my surprise, he didn't. Instead he walked ahead of me. Watching him speeding off didn't leave a good feeling in my chest. He wanted a coffee so we went to get one. I didn't get anything for myself because all of a sudden I wasn't hungry anymore and also I forgot my wallet at home and my self respect didn't allow me to get anything. He ordered a burger for himself and shared some bites with me. I noticed he didn't pull out a chair for me nor did he let me step in and out of elevator first. Throughout the eating process, he remained silent and looked around. I felt awkward as I am lively person and this was the man I wanted to talk to the most. It was just an awkward silence that I wasn't expecting to be a part of our first date at all. He didn't feel like the man I was talking to on phone. That man was responsive, loving. This was just something else.
We went back to the car, again him leading and I following him in heels. Just when I was putting seatbelt on, he kissed me. It was my first kiss and he totally caught me off guard. Right after that he gave me a smug smile. He kissed me again and I was long lost to react on anything. It was a lot. I wanted to stop him but my feelings for him got a hold on me. I regretted that but I couldn't stop it. After dropping me home, he left a text "I had a great time with you". Whereas, I was convincing myself that I had a good time as well.
After that we didn't talk much about this dinner but a question remained in my mind, "how did he find me?" because to me, he was handsome and I was strongly attracted to him but I never got the clarity on how did I look to him, especially after spending time with him I got more curious. I offered him my support during the tough time and chose not to ask him the question. After his father's surgery, he kept forcing me to have lunches with him and i had without my family's knowing. After our every meet-up the question began eating my head a little more. Finally, after some days I decided to ask the question. To which he got mad. He blamed me for stressing him and accusing him of not liking me even though I just meant to ask him if he liked me. I needed reassurance but he got defensive and "warned" me that my fears and overthinking will ruin our relationship. That was the first stroke that hit my heart and I couldn't believe what happened with me. I felt horrible and cried myself to sleep The next day he acted completely normal and love-bombed me as if nothing happened. I remained silent to avoid conflict.
A few days later, he asked me to accompany him to his home that was in another city (his father's surgery took place in my city and they were in hospital). Now keeping the society where we both belong from, this was a big problem. I had to refuse him and over this he got furious again, blaming me for not wanting to spend time with him. I understood he lived his life in a western country but he knew his culture better than me, his family was far stricter in their customs than mine was and only if they had known that i visited their house before marriage alone with their son, it would have been a hell for me. It was wrong and I stayed with my decision. Later on, he asked me to meet him for the last time before he left. A day before the meeting, he started joking about having a fetish of having sex with a teenager. I kept brushing it as a joke until he directed it on me and when I asked him to wait for a year as we were to get married, he reasoned that I wouldn't be a teenager anymore and he could not wait that long. I confronted him about feeling manipulated and he got defensive. Long story short, he went back and after some times, he started noticing my silence. He asked me about it and I mustered courage and told him my worries. He listened to me quietly, didn't react like he normally did to my concerns but complained that I hurt him. For which I did feel bad as I never wanted to hurt him.
now the reason why I wrote this whole story was because he was a totally different man during the first third months of our conversation. He portrayed to be a knight in shining armour. His voice held so much meaning when he promised he would be the most understanding and patient person in my life. He felt like my saviour, my best friend and reason to live everyday. I suffered from parental neglect and absence and his promises healed me but when he acted contrary to his words, I used to get confused. I loved him, madly that even after five months of no contact I wake up to his thoughts. He has moved on and found someone else but I am back to my alone self, holding my broken pieces and working on my career. I felt like i was in a trauma bond but still again, sometimes I feel due to my past traumas, I lost a good man. He made me believe so with his love bombing. I got addicted to him as he was the only source of my happiness. but I knew it has to end because he disrespected my grandfather and mother because they saw the same signs in my father even though I didn't tell them enough. I didn't believe them until circumstances forced me to. Can you guys tell me what have you gotten from my story because I need to hear it from external sources.

Can someone please help explain to me what i experienced recently. To make a long story short, i grew up in a dysfunctional family, alcoholic mother, 5 kids, dad works and traveled and i helped raise my siblings until i was 32. I did poorly in school my entire life, as that came second to the kids, mom and household responsibilities. Then I also always had to have a friend with me at all times since I never knew when I would need help watching over the crew. I have always been around someone or lots of people until very recently, then I became isolated. In an abusive relationship, marriage to be exact, and 8 months ago attacked me out of nowhere and it was caught on camera in a little penny casino bar. The police pressed charges, blah, blah, blah, and he went to jail for a warrant and has classes now. But after I saw the video of him attacking me, and some sessions with a psychotherapist, I was shopping in HomeGoods with her and all of a sudden I had this weird feeling come over my body and it had felt like my eyes just opened to the world for me to see it for what it really was and not what I thought it was. I don’t know how to clearly explain but it was the first time I felt really alive. Like my mind and body were connected and I was on it, mind you this is at age 42 for the first time. Now this feeling is mostly gone, but there are some days that it will return and I feel alive and like I am on it. I was so sheltered, I didn’t realize how crazy the world is over money. That it is everything. I always just did what I did and never had to worry about money, as much as it does. I mean I knew we need money but I just didn’t know the extent to which it ruins people and their relationships. Heart breaking. Back to the mind, body connection and feeling alive for the first time with this feeling of my eyes opening. What would you call that?

I met a girl on dating app in the city.
When I ask her out on first date on dating app, she said "no lets wait until we are ready" because she somehow sense I'm not excited enough to ask her out. I explain that I am and we make plans. She asks for my full name and for me to send her more photos.
I thought first date went well and was fun, aside from a couple of odd points like she says she is a risk taker and insists on asking me about past relationship. She also seemed interested in my job and about finances, maybe she has impression that I am rich.
She is only in the country for work, she is from asia. I think she wants to stay. Her profile says she wants kids.
When we are texting after first date, I say and enjoy it and she says she didn't think I was interested because I didn't split bill, I didn't smile a lot. I explained that's just how I am actually really enjoyed seeing her. She seemed to be ok after I explain it. We plan the second date.
The night before second date, in text I said see you tomorrow, she said can we do 2pm, I said "as you wish". She accused me of not having genuine desire for the date. She says she has limited free time and only want to see people who really care about her. Then she text let's not meet up. I actually was really excited to see her at this point and I was shocked, so I call her and try to explain myself, she said she appreciates my effort with communication and we go on the second date. I feel it's little manipulative to say let's not meet up and then want to meet up with me after talking
I think it's odd she expects me to desire her so much.
On the second date. We get food and I thought it was going well again. Conversation was more light and fun. However, she tells me at some point that she expects a lot from guy in relationship because she is arrogant and was spoiled by her previous boyfriends. OK, little red flag.
We go back to my place. Were sitting and talking, she begins asking vague qualifying questions to me like:
Can you change for me? I want someone who will put me above their career, move locations for me, etc
I want to share everything, some people want partnership, I don't want that. Some people sign papers before marriage, I don't want that. (she was talking about prenup)
She seemed to be asking like how much I would be willing to do for her in a very vague way. She asked other questions along these same lines for like 20 minutes. It was weirdly demanding for a second date situation, and when she was done she asked if she should leave. I guess almost expecting me to say yes? but I said no.
Then we had sex. After sex, I go to the bathroom. I fill the condom with water from the sink to check for leak. Then I drop it in the toilet. I forget to flush it, then I exit and she goes into the bathroom. She takes a while in there. I was worried because I forgot to flush it.
After that, we cuddle for 15 minutes. I drop some jokes and she after each one she hits or slaps me. Like with some actual force, but she doesn't realize it hurts me and is not gentle. Hit me in the neck while we were cuddling. I tell her it bothers me and she shouldn't do that. She does it again like 5 minutes later, says it will take time for her to change that. I thought that's another bit of a red flag. Then she says she should be going because she has to do some work.
She wants to take a photo together before she leaves, i agree.
I am really confused by the whole thing. I don't feel like I can trust her. Seems like she is asking permission to ruin my life with her questioning. I worried she used condom in toilet to try to get pregnant. Super worried.

I 20M started dating a girl 19F around 8 months ago. She was the best thing that happened to me. Even before meeting her, I was pretty good and socially popular, but meeting her was just icing on the cake (she was literally the best, she comforted me, she did all my homework, and somehow Idk if it's good at all but it seemed I was the center of her life, all her future plans were with me, her every action connected to me somehow). She on the other hand had severe emotional trauma, and an identity crisis, including a lack of independence, and a lack of awareness of what she wants (all accredited to her parents). She also had some personality crisis, like she had been faking herself for so long that she forgot who she really was. I helped her through all of these things, she can now accept her true personality and be as she is (she was always pressurized to be this certain version by her parents), and she knows what she wants (earlier all her outfits were selected by her mom, now she has a voice of her own and wears what she likes), etc. Lately, every person and I'm not just talking friends here, the uni authorities the educators, the seniors, everyone has just one thing to say - this girl is sucking the life out of this boy, he is not the same cheerful kid he was some months ago, and his smile is long gone. My question is is it even possible, I don't suspect a thing, but everyone around me is thinking the aforementioned and not a single is saying otherwise. The seniors are saying that I'd end up ruining my career if I stick with her, I really don't know if it's possible - she's the sweetest most innocent girl I've ever seen. One thing that stuns me is that we've never in 8-9 months had an argument, never have we had a fight (minor things exist like I crack a joke and she's not in the mood, but that's very rare), and never have her opinions been different from mine! To be honest I'm a very difficult guy to be with, for eg since we almost spend the entire day together in uni, I'm not the guy to specially take her out on weekends, I'm not really the gifting type either (tho I'll add that I verbally praise her a lot), i crack a lot of offensive jokes, especially targetted at her parents (ya know, for what they did to her), I make her jealous often (all in good spirits, lol), and she somehow agreed with everything as well, like she had no problem with anything whatsoever. I'm actually so surprised at these points that make me question if what everyone is saying is true (like the too good to be true case). I didn't wanna bring this point in, but (and let me say i do not believe in astrology), 3 astrologers (first when I was around 10, the other when I was around 15, and the last very recently) told my family, that before I turn 21 a girl would come in my life, who would distance me from my mom and eventually, ruin my careelife. My mom has disliked my girlfriend since the 3rd month or so, earlier she tried hard to like her. My mom has had huge fights and given silent treatments to me for the last 5 months, and the epicenter of almost all fights (when I say fights I literally mean hours of yelling) and silent treatments (which I do not defend at all, and have been min 3 to max 10 days long) have been her. My mom, in addition to all the points she has against my gf, thinks that she might be a gold digger. I really don't know what to say, tbh it goes without saying that earlier I was very cheerful and had a very positive mindset as compared to the present, like in the last sem vs this sem. Please, is it even possible??! Edit 1: Some other details Since the first month she's been talking about marriage Also, one of my first interactions with her was her praising how my house looked based on a story I posted Edit 2: I don't think that she's a gold digger, but my family does. She often visited my house after college and we had lunch together. Some things were picked up by my family which to them were indicative that she, in a very short time, had planned to settle down with me, like her saying that one day she'll also have her name outside our house and all.

Good day everyone. I'm afraid I can't stop posting on this subreddit because I simply can't help myself 🤭it's nice to share my perspective with my fellow Nigerians and I hope this rant finds you well ^{⁠_⁠^}
We're well aware that double standards is prominent in Africa,but I'm going to come down to our country Nigeria. Being a young girl brought up in a Nigerian household made it very clear to me that men can do what they want but us women are subjected to submissiveness (I speak for myself and many others. Though I know not every woman was brought up this way).
My brother (who is a bit older than me)is allowed to interact openly with females and even declare publicly that he has a girlfriend, whereas my mother forbids me from even mentioning the name of a man in her presence. My brother is allowed to whore around and everyone knows but in my case, she'll always harshly remind me that I'll be useless if I allow men ruin me at a young age. I know this is her way of caring for me,but why does she give my brother free reins while I'm constrained in such a way? Don't we deserve equal treatment?
Why should my actions be limited because of my gender?
My female friend was just telling me what her mother had told her recently. Her mother advised her to be decent for when she gets married and my friend countered, saying that she expects the same decency from her husband but her mother reminds her that a woman should not expect such from her husband,rather she's the one that has to be virtuous?
This thought process is twisted, and very common among African homes too.
It's not ok!!!
Double standards is an unfair and unequal treatment which can jeopardize one's life and it mainly affects us females. The social conditioning that females are inferior and must be submissive to men has resulted in the issue of early marriage, depression and lack of freedom.
Let us see all individuals as the same, regardless of sex.
Thank you (⁠•⁠‿⁠•⁠).

I have had periodic depression since my early twenties, I’m 39 now. It usually starts in the autumn and lasts until late spring. But sometimes longer. I used to not notice it when I was younger I just connected it to external factors of life. But now I’m much more self aware of the problem and try not to blame outside factors like work, relationships etc because I know it’s a false path. I tried that before. Changing jobs, changing relationships, moving cities, it does not make a difference - this dark cloud follows me everywhere.
My symptoms are: * negative thinking - and over focus on negatives around me. Like noisy neighbors, politics, increasing prices of things, my job etc etc - I become like a grumpy grandfather.

• stress and laziness at the same time - I feel like there’s too much pressure on me to do “stuff” that I don’t even know what it is, and at the same time I’m too lazy to do anything and have to force my self to do things around the house for example.
  
• feeling of hopelessness and wanting to quit everything. My ambitions fade. Stop caring about my career, my fitness, my visual appearance, my hobbies, friends and events - and just generally become a slob.
  
• escapist thinking - I start to dream about moving to a different country, selling the house, going on a long trip, changing jobs, etc And I motivate that by explaining to my self and others how awful it is where I’m at right now.
  

My coping patterns have been the following:

• withdrawing to get time alone as much as possible
  
• trying not to verbalize my negative thoughts because I have learned that it’s not socially acceptable to be native so much. I have often got the comment “ don’t be so negative “ and it’s a big trigger for me that makes me angry and withdrawn.
  
• trying to focus on my self like going to gym, watching movies I love, playing video games.
  
• temporarily down prioritize stuff that is “hard” - like chores around the house, working less hard at work, skipping some social events when I don’t feel like it etc.
  

Now to my problem: I can’t use those coping mechanisms any more. I now have a wife and child and a house. They need me. My son needs me. I can’t just escape in to my computer for hours of the day or go to gym. He’s just below 1 year old and he needs somebody to watch him all the time. I love the little guy. But in combination with my depression I find my self in a negative spiral.
I feel like I’m doing everything against the stream - I have to force everything I do through out the day. Playing, cleaning , cooking. Doing projects around the house that need doing. I find my self complaining a lot, and my wife is fed up with it already. And I can understand her. Im constant grumpy and tired. By the end of the day I have used up all my willpower to do anything to the point where I don’t even want to brush my teeth before going to bed. I have 0 action energy left. I have not even changed my clothes in like 4 days.
On top of that there are social events that were not there before. Meeting with daycare parents, my wife’s friends that also just got kids etc. I really dread those but I force my self to pull through. And some times my grumpy mood shines through and I make everybody feel bad.
I guess I’m kind of involuntary project my mood on others and make them feel the same way. But I feel bad about it at the same time.
I don’t know what to do now. There’s no where for me to escape and hide with my dark cloud now and recharge my energy. I have to be there everyday. I’m worried that this new life that is more demanding than before will ruin my marriage and break apart my family.
My wife has been very understanding and suggested I should take a day here and there for my self. And I have. But it seems to not be enough. I feel guilt for taking that day off and leaving everything at home to my wife. And then when I come back the energy I have regained is gone very fast. It’s not sustainable.
In a few months I have to go back to work and I’m not sure I will be able to. I’m worried about getting fired or burned out. I have nightmares about my marriage ending and can’t sleep properly because the little guy wakes up multiple times at night. I feel like they would be happier without me to be honest, at least this version of me that I hate my self. I don’t want to be like this, but I am anyway.
I don’t know where I should start now. I thought I had it figured out living with my depression but now I feel hopeless and I have not answers for my self.

I 20M started dating a girl 19F around 8 months ago. She was the best thing that happened to me. Even before meeting her, I was pretty good and socially popular, but meeting her was just icing on the cake (she was literally the best, she comforted me, she did all my homework, and somehow Idk if it's good at all but it seemed I was the center of her life, all her future plans were with me, her every action connected to me somehow). She on the other hand had severe emotional trauma, and an identity crisis, including a lack of independence, and a lack of awareness of what she wants (all accredited to her parents). She also had some personality crisis, like she had been faking herself for so long that she forgot who she really was. I helped her through all of these things, she can now accept her true personality and be as she is (she was always pressurized to be this certain version by her parents), and she knows what she wants (earlier all her outfits were selected by her mom, now she has a voice of her own and wears what she likes), etc. Lately, every person and I'm not just talking friends here, the uni authorities the educators, the seniors, everyone has just one thing to say - this girl is sucking the life out of this boy, he is not the same cheerful kid he was some months ago, and his smile is long gone. My question is is it even possible, I don't suspect a thing, but everyone around me is thinking the aforementioned and not a single is saying otherwise. The seniors are saying that I'd end up ruining my career if I stick with her, I really don't know if it's possible - she's the sweetest most innocent girl I've ever seen. One thing that stuns me is that we've never in 8-9 months had an argument, never have we had a fight (minor things exist like I crack a joke and she's not in the mood, but that's very rare), and never have her opinions been different from mine! To be honest I'm a very difficult guy to be with, for eg since we almost spend the entire day together in uni, I'm not the guy to specially take her out on weekends, I'm not really the gifting type either (tho I'll add that I verbally praise her a lot), i crack a lot of offensive jokes, especially targetted at her parents (ya know, for what they did to her), I make her jealous often (all in good spirits, lol), and she somehow agreed with everything as well, like she had no problem with anything whatsoever. I'm actually so surprised at these points that make me question if what everyone is saying is true (like the too good to be true case). I didn't wanna bring this point in, but (and let me say i do not believe in astrology), 3 astrologers (first when I was around 10, the other when I was around 15, and the last very recently) told my family, that before I turn 21 a girl would come in my life, who would distance me from my mom and eventually, ruin my careelife. My mom has disliked my girlfriend since the 3rd month or so, earlier she tried hard to like her. My mom has had huge fights and given silent treatments to me for the last 5 months, and the epicenter of almost all fights (when I say fights I literally mean hours of yelling) and silent treatments (which I do not defend at all, and have been min 3 to max 10 days long) have been her. My mom, in addition to all the points she has against my gf, thinks that she might be a gold digger. I really don't know what to say, tbh it goes without saying that earlier I was very cheerful and had a very positive mindset as compared to the present, like in the last sem vs this sem. Please, is it even possible??! Edit 1: Some other details Since the first month she's been talking about marriage Also, one of my first interactions with her was her praising how my house looked based on a story I posted Edit 2: I don't think that she's a gold digger, but my family does. She often visited my house after college and we had lunch together. Some things were picked up by my family which to them were indicative that she, in a very short time, had planned to settle down with me, like her saying that one day she'll also have her name outside our house and all.

Short story long my MIL lost her 3rd job since Covid, her BF that was paying her bills for a combined 18ish months between the last two job losses left her and now she’s about to lose her house. My wife wants to help her out and I get that, problem is we can’t afford her mortgage and our rent. My wife wants to move in with MIL to pay her bills. I’m conflicted here… on one hand I would do the same for my mom and would expect my wife to do it with me, I want that house one day in the future when she passes that’s a cool couple hundred grand in our pockets for retirement or we can eventually just buy it off of her before then. On the other hand she’s over 50 with no higher education and won’t take a job that doesn’t pay less than 60k, so she’s got a limited job pool and she’s already been fired from 3 of those companies. She’s not easy to get along with and that’s why she got fired from the company I work for after I got her a job and also why I leave Christmas dinner as soon as possible.
How do I go about this discussion with her and my wife, how do I get through this without ruining my mental health or even my marriage? I need a plan of attack and maybe even a contract. I want to write up some type of contract that states that every dollar I put into the mortgage is either paid back to me when she sells the house to someone else or gets deducted from the price that she sells the house to us for. Thank you all for reading and I’ll give any more info if y’all need it.
TL:DR mother in law needs help with mortgage so I might have to live with a lady who can’t pay her bills or keep a job