What to eat a day after you throw up

Have you realized? But still can't stop watching? Curious about their life all your life what they do, what they show?
So you still watch Nepali vlogs on YouTube? Ever realized you are wasting your precious time of your life even if those videos healed you for few minutes?
It's all about me, me and me! My life, My Love story, My House, i eat this, i travel there, i bought this, showing their lifestyle to the world and at the same time earning for their lifestyle.
People esp. Young teenagers and those who don't know how to pass the time and have nothing to do easily get lured by those Youtubers with eye catching thumbnails and attractive titles, then giving love emojicons and replying with i love you, i care about my viewers and all those stuff.
Do they even care about a viewer like you? Are you one of those who comment to them like "you are so cute, i love you, i support you always, you are the best, proud of Nepali, you eat so nicely, i love everything about you and such" ?
But for how long? I know each to their own! But it's just one life and you want to see their life all the time or you want to make your life and your family life better by giving more time.
Get a grip! Wake up!
By saying all these songs, next time I open Youtube, those blogs show up and either i get attracted again or get curiosity, then i click, then i watch similar videos, precious time goes by or don't even know if it is wasted. Next day, same thing happens. Day after, same, it continues and has been for many years now.
My Time for them = Their Money for them

I want to preface this by saying that help is on the way, and I'm getting medication help and talk therapy next week. Just felt like venting. So I had a MASSIVE panic attack few days ago after so long, which was my sign to go do that. I know you're normally supposed to treat those things, but I thought I had things under control until my mom died last month.
She always had lousy health issues to the point where I'd just become indifferent anytime she'd go to the ER for her chronic pain acting up. Until she stayed longer each time, then this time...gone. She had more going on than anyone knew it seems.
Being the oldest and the one who dealt with her the most in her final years, it just blew me out the water, because you're never ready when a parent or caregiver leaves you. Ironically I was oddly calm the day she passed although I hate, loathe hospitals. Her relatives encouraged me to not be home by myself the day she passed, but I just wanted to be by myself. Still calm.
Then last week like a dormant volcano everything I've buried just came spewing out; and my anxiety came hard: palpitations, tremors, vertigo, nausea, exhaustion, sleep issues, derealization, add my allergies in there and my type 2 diabetes with not eating enough...nightmare doesn't even describe it. Then one night I was really tired to the point I didn't know I dozed off....
OMG FUCK NOCTURNAL PANIC ATTACKS. Fuck them with a rusty weed whacker. That was probably the most scared I've ever been to the point I had to call the EMT, because I really felt my usual coping methods didn't help me. I thought I was going to die. I calmed down when they came and didn't have to go to the hospital, but I was shook and that made me go get help the next day.
I feel like I'll have to be put on something strong, because I can't function. Even right now my anxiety is waiting to sucker punch me outta nowhere when I eat, sleep, etc. I'm living in fear of fear until next week and it's the worst. Even worse, I've no one around me who can comfort me in person immediately. My sister is here and is 15 years younger than me, and even though she's clearly struggling, she's never been the type to believe in psychiatry (yeah, she's not bright) so she's not going to be much help.
That and my mom's memorial is next Sunday, we still yet to receive her ashes because we still haven't cremated her, because we didn't raise enough money. We have to call on the city to help, which is sad because my mom was there for a lot of her family but no one else could help her?? . Then there's going through the rest of her things to donate or keep. Then there's moving out the apartment we shared. I don't want to move for financial reasons, but it's clear that it's happening despite what I think. And whether we have enough money to or not.
I desperately need to be strong. I just wish I could have some magical being lay their hands on my head and heal my brain. I feel so broken, tired and incapable. I miss my mom. I miss how things used to be. 😭

Hello everyone, first of all English isn't my first language, I'm on mobile, and I tend to ramble, so I'm sorry about that. I (34F) am in a short relationship (4 months) with L (28M), he's very kind and sweet, and I'm still adapting to this whole new relationship thing, for this last sentence I'll give you some background. My last serious relationship lasted for 3,5 years between me (24F at the time) and F (21M at the time). It started after we matched on a dating app and we went on our first date. Our first date was crazy perfect, he picked me up on a garden and we went to a tattoo/piercing shop where we got pierced. We talked for hours until evening, and he invited me to eat pizza at his place with his dad lol. It was super late by then, and I lived far far away, so we slept together just cuddling, nothing else. Since then we would meet each other every day. One time (6 months into the relationship) he rear ended another vehicle while going back home. So I decided to move closer to him, because the commute was getting to us. So I did. One week into the new lease, I had an accident and broke my ankle. So he decided that it was better for me to stay at his place to recover (bigger house, access to vehicles, and accessible in general). Three months and two surgeries after I decided it was time for me to go home, but he would convince me to "postpone just one more week" every time, and I would always oblige (I know the little doormat I sometimes am). And things would go like that until I hit the one year mark into that lease. And I said to him "or I move back home or I move definitely here, there's no middle therm", so I moved into his place. I offered to pay rent but he refused. Until this moment the relationship was perfect, his father also lived at that place, and we would always cook together, sing together, go for short trips, etc. But after a while I started to have symptoms of anxiety and depression. Until one day I had a panic attack by just sitting in front of my computer at work. I started to treat that and the doctors said I would have to stop work for a bit, because it was super serious (I don't want to go into too much details for that). At the beginning he was super supportive, but now I know that to have a relationship with someone w/ depression and anxiety it's super hard, 0/10 not recommend. So he and his friends started to be petty to me, and I noticed. One day me, him and his friend went for dinner and I got catchup for me. His friends started to berate me on how catchup is bad for my health and that I should stop using it. I simple replied that every time I see him he is smoking his cigarettes and I never said nothing. Or one time that his friend started to talk bad about gold digger women and insinuate that I was one, because I wasn't working. Before stopping to work I had a career in IT, while my bf had an assistant warehouse job, and I used to earn way more than him (that was never important to me before, honestly). So I said "I know I'm not working, but as soon as I get better I'll earn 4 times more than my bf, so your argument doesn't apply". Just wanted to point out that I had my savings, and I was living off it, paying for food, and other bills. My bf then was very mean and cold to me too, and at one point I asked "Do you want me to move out?" and he said "yes". "After that will you break up with me?" And he said "yes". So I activated my survival mode, and started to work my way into leaving. Between that, and getting a job, I started to pack my things quietly, and applying for jobs. All that while mourning the relationship. For him, I was doing nothing, but I was actually already in the way of signing a new lease, going to interviews and packing my things (and hiding in the house), I wanted to just disappear, I felt humiliated to not be able to leave in the next day after that talk. One day he went after me for sex, and I said "don't be like that, I feel like a piece of meat", he answered "so I'm going downstairs to get some salt then", and from that moment on, all the good feelings I had were replaced by disgust and disdain. A couple days after he asked me what I was going to do on next weekend, because he would go on a trip and wouldn't be home, and I said "nothing". I actually went to help the landlord to clean and paint the new place, since I wanted it to be ready ASAP. And I could move in next Wednesday. When I broke the news to him, he looked surprised and said "already??". So I kinda moved all out in less than a day. After that he would always go after me. I was 27 by then, and from that moment on the idea of a relationship would always make me sick. So I had the crazy teenager phase (since I always had long relationships before) and decided that I would be alone. I started to draw a plan to move to New Zealand, as far away from my ex possible and the plans didn't go through. But 3 years later I moved to Europe, my ex would always send messages saying he missed me, even when he was on a relationship, and in one of my birthdays he sent me a picture from his wallet with my picture in it. I replied politely, but I felt disdain honestly. We haven't talked in years now, honestly, and I'm alright with that. I was single for 7 years icking the idea of going through all that again. Ok, so now, what's happening? I'm 34 now, and I have my cute sweet new boyfriend, and every time he comes here to sleep with me I dream that I sneak out the bed to sleep with my ex. Even though I would never do that, even if he was in other bed next to us. I always feel guilty and dirty, like I'm cheating. I spend the days thinking that I should tell my bf, but I don't want to hurt him. All I feel for my ex is disdain and ick. But I feel like I'm hiding something. What do I do?
TL;DR!: Every time my bf sleeps over, I dream that I sneak out of the bed to go to sleep with my ex, and my brain thinks I'm cheating.

[INDEX]
I banked the fire and stared into the golden eyes of Beatale before I crept into my makeshift tent.
I still had my auric vision running and couldn’t help but notice the thin silver cord that ran from me to Horse. Firming up my aura, I reached out with my hand and grabbed it. I could feel the nearly imperceptible vibration between my fingers as I used my mind to probe at the thread. I could feel a bright spark of intellect, a light at the end of a tunnel. Pushing with my mind, I slid down the thread until the spark grew larger and eventually filled my inner vision with a hazy white light. Horsey thoughts nudged at me curiously.
I slid into the haze and immediately lost all sense of direction. If it wasn’t for the silver thread, I’d have no idea how to exit this shifting white fog. Horsey thoughts got stronger as I followed the thread while the haze thinned and cleared to reveal an endless prairie of green grass. I found myself standing before a naked man wearing a horse mask and I stared in shock. It was obviously me wearing a cheap costume horse mask — there was no mistaking my tattoos.
“What did you expect?” Horse neighed at me. “I am you and you are me and we are all together. Goo goo ga joob.”
Horse made a shooing motion with his hands and I accelerated backwards through the white haze and slammed into my own body with a gasp. I stared at the tarp overhead for a long minute, processing this new revelation. Horse was a part of me, a piece of my spirit. Whatever psychic stuff I did with that silver cord lead me into a house of mirrors where I got to look at myself pretending to be a horse. I can’t even deal with that right now.
Rolling into my blankets, I dropped off to sleep.
*Ding*
-=- - Welcome to the Dreamworld - Included in the Psychic Skills pack, the Inner Sanctum is your psychic domain. It is the mental fortress that you must secure and maintain to defend against psychic and spiritual assaults. All of your neurosis and fears are symbolised in this realm and must be defeated or subjugated before you can become master of the domain. Good luck. -=-
I banished the pop-up and looked around. I knew I was asleep, but everything was just as real as when I was awake. I was breathing, I could feel the floor under my feet, and if it weren’t for the pop-up, I would have sworn I had been teleported. The room I was in resembled an oversized luxury prison cell, maybe a thirty foot cube. No windows. Rough stone walls with thick mortar. Large brass wall sconces were set directly into the stone and suffused the room with a warm, golden light provided by glowing rocks. The stone floor had colourful Persian rugs tastefully placed. A high plaster ceiling was painted with a rendition of Michelangelo’s ‘Creation of Adam’, depicting me as both Adam and God.
There was a comfy sofa in front of a large screen television that hung from one wall and an ornate grandfather clock ticked loudly in the corner. It was currently 10:08 PM. Another wall was a floor to ceiling bookshelf, stuffed with books of varying sizes. The third wall was covered with pictures and I could see at a glance that they were images from my life. The fourth wall had a thick riveted steel door on the right side, a full sized mirror on the left, and a computer workstation in the middle.
The picture wall was my first target. A few were quite large, nearly life sized, while others were tiny prints no larger than the palm of my hand. Scenes of my life were displayed in each one. The largest was me riding Horse with a shit-scared expression, shooting at a pack of wolves. Others were smaller, each with different frames. Some ornate gold or silver, others plain wood, a few wrapped in briars or barbed wire. Nanny Ramsey holding me as a young child. My dog Jean with a red ball in his mouth. My parents, screaming at me. I turned my attention to the books. Books are safe. Books don’t judge you.
The sweet, musty scent of a used book store filled my nostrils as I drew close to the honey coloured shelves. Hundreds of volumes filled the wall from floor to ceiling, with a ladder that could be rolled along a rail to access the top. I smiled at the sight. I had always wanted a library like this. I pulled a book at random and read the title, “Confused Fantasies about Joseph Harris, part XXIV of the Middle School Years”.
I slid the book back onto the shelf. Let’s see what’s on TV.
The remote was a slim, futuristic looking affair with a minimum of buttons. I pointed it at the television and moments later the huge screen came to life and presented me with a simple menu for movies, divided into six categories: Happy, Surprised, Afraid, Disgusted, Angry, and Sad. I scrolled through the offerings for a minute, reading the titles and reviews about the movies of my life. It really bothered me that there were so few selections in the Happy section.
The number of Sad movies increased by one.
I walked over to the mirror and noticed there was a small sticky note pasted to it. “Astral Realm. Experienced users only.” I shoved the note in my pocket and stared at my image. Sturdy black boots, black denim jeans and shirt with mother-of-pearl buttons, deep brown gun belt slung at my hip, red bandanna and black felt hat. All I needed was a pencil moustache and I would look like the stereotypical villain in any spaghetti western. At that very moment I decided to grow out a goatee. I’d rather be mistaken for a bad guy than a victim.
So how does this astral realm thing work?
The mirror appeared to be nothing more than a mirror. It was cold, smooth glass surrounded by a wrought iron frame, and reflected my image. I didn’t necessarily want to go walking into danger, but I wanted to know how it worked. I pushed and prodded the glass in frustration until I noticed my image grinning at me. I jumped back in surprise and it doubled over in silent laughter.
“Hilarious, dude. You got me,” I huffed. “So how do I get in?”
My mirror-self tipped his hat and stepped to side.
I reached up to the mirror again and my hand passed through, vanishing as if cut off. Okay, just a quick peek and we’ll explore the rest of the room. I stepped through and the world shifted around me. I was standing back at the campsite. My body was insubstantial as a ghost and the tarp was a wisp of substance running straight through me. Non living things don’t seem to have much presence in this realm. Glancing down, I saw my sleeping body rolled up in the blankets, a thin silver thread running from it to me, and another thread running to Horse.
Looking around, I surveyed the campsite. My astral vision seemed to be on and had an unlimited range. I could see the life all around me, the distant forest was a sea of greenish-gold, grasses and brush nearby glowed with spectral light. Tiny ghost insects scurried while ghost mice nibbled at whatever ghost mice nibble on. Ghost seeds and ghost insects, I suppose. I turned my attention overhead and gaped at the sight of a monstrous serpentine spirit flying through the inky void. I dropped back through the tent and rolled inside my body. That was plenty enough for now.
I rolled through the mirror and landed flat on my back, staring at the fresco on the ceiling. Vinnie-God winked at me and Vinnie-Adam grinned. Climbing to my knees, I brushed non-existent dust from my trousers and watched mirror-me doubled over in soundless laughter.
“Hey, laughing-boy!” I yelled at him. “You’re like the guardian or something, right? You got it covered?”
Mirror-me stood and saluted with a smile, then gave me two thumbs up. A moment later, his face took on a serious expression and he wriggled his right hand in the ‘maybe’ motion. Then he pointed at me, tapped his wrist, and then a finger to his head.
It all depends on how fast I learn stuff, I guess.
Two thumbs up and a winning smile reflected back to me.
A large cork board was mounted to the wall over the computer and a small note was pinned to it. “Note to self: Don’t fuck with the Elvish womens.”
The computer screen featured a screensaver of me as Vitruvian Man doing callisthenics over the words ‘HumanOS’. I tapped the spacebar and was rewarded with the sound of powerful fans kicking to life as the computer emerged from sleep mode and prompted me for a password. Should I assume it’s the same as the password on the computer I pawned in my previous life?
Password: *******esi
I was rewarded with a sweet R&M desktop and a couple of icons. System, NeuralNet, My-Tunes, My-Movies, My-Office.
System was just what I expected, lots of .dna files and other confusing scariness that allowed me to tweak my physical body and mental state. My-Tunes was a collection of every song I’d ever heard and My-Movies was a collection of every movie I’d ever seen. Not that I’m complaining, but it would have been nice to have “My-Games” so I could play RDR. My-Office was a clone of the popular software by a similar name. I have no idea what I’ll ever need a spreadsheet for in this world.
NuralNet opened up a search engine called Me-Seeks, featuring a familiar blue guy.
I typed in “beer” and several thousand results were displayed, anything I’d ever read, heard, or watched about beer, including how to make it. This right here made the price of admission totally worth it, access to an exact copy of everything I’d ever read, and I was a voracious reader. Sadly, most of the stuff I read was futurology — solar panels, electronics, biotech advancements, quantum computing. The material for steam engines, blacksmithing, farming and the like, were slim pickings. That’s okay though, I could still reproduce the Gutenberg press, the cotton gin, simple internal combustion engines, and basic batteries along with some sketchy knowledge of metal alloys, acids, bases, and other things I had read over the years. All that wasted time watching “How Things Work” was finally going to pay off. I copied a few likely money makers to My-Office, saved the file, and exported to my Notes, just in case they didn’t exist on Aerth.
A popup covered the screen.
📱 [New Upgrade Available!] 📱
🎉 Enhance Your Experience with the Latest HumanOS Features! 🎉
🌟 Features Include:

• 🧠 Memory Booster: Increase your Memory for smoother multitasking and improved performance.
• 🔋 Energy Optimizer: Extend your battery life with advanced power-saving techniques.
• 🛠️ Utility Upgrades: Access new apps and utilities to enhance your daily life and adventures.
• 🗺️ Advanced Mapping: Never get lost again with enhanced GPS and location tracking.

🔥 Special Offer: Only 2000 credits for version 2.0 or 5000 credits for version 3.0! 🔥
[Upgrade Now ✅] [Remind Me Later ❌]
Apparently I could upgrade myself, which reduced the cost of using my Utilities while providing other minor benefits. My Utilities would level up as I used them, which would increase their battery cost, so if I didn’t keep pace with an update to the OS they could become prohibitively expensive to operate.
Stupid pay-to-win world.
So, do I pay 2000 credits for version 2.0 or 5000 credits for version 3.0?
I selected version 3.0 and klicked [Install]. After watching it download the update, it popped up another screen that asked if I wanted to update now, or wait until Midnight for the mandatory update.
I selected [No] just as the grandfather clock chimed 10:30 PM. I wondered if time ran slower in here, because it seemed like I had spent a lot more time on the computer than 15 minutes. Walking over to the imposing steel door, I noticed a bronze key with a thin chain in the lock. There was another sticky note on the door. “Subconscious. Please keep the key with you at all times.”
That’s not scary at all, is it?
I unlocked the door with a loud clunk and pulled it open to reveal a bedroom straight out of some royal castle. I could tell immediately that it had seen better days. The tapestries on the wall were frayed and fading. The canopy over the bed had a few holes in it. A thin layer of dust covered the mantle of a small fireplace set into the wall. There was a window letting in bright sunlight and I moved over to look outside.
I was on the third floor of a keep surrounded by the walls and turrets of a modest castle. A castle that had fallen into serious disrepair. Did this represent the state of my inner mind? One tower was shattered and the curtain wall under it damaged. The lower bailey was full of litter. I could see a few soldiers walking around the allure, keeping watch.
I have people in my subconscious?
Someone behind me cleared their throat.
Whirling, I discovered a familiar old man standing in the door of the bedroom. What was left of his hair formed a white halo around his head, his face was unshaven and covered with several days of growth. He was dressed like a poor and tattered manservant, but carried himself with a dignified air.
“Woodhouse?”
“It’s nice to see the master at home,” He said with a proper English accent. “There are many matters that require the master’s attention.”
“Uh, sure,” I said, hanging the key around my neck and tucking it in my shirt. “And who are you again?”
“Your personal manservant, of course” he said with a slight bow. Walking over to the steel door, he pulled it closed and it locked with a solid thunk. “Master should always keep his inner sanctum closed. One never knows if something nasty will creep in.”
“Thank you, uh, Woodhouse. I’ll remember that,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck. “So what needs tending and how do things work around here?”
He smiled and beckoned me with a white gloved hand. “If master would be so kind as to follow me, I’ll introduce him to the staff and explain the duties and obligations of his domain.”
I’m 99.9% certain that everyone here is just me wearing a mask, so I shrugged and followed Woodhouse out of the bedroom and into the rest of my subconscious.
Five minutes later I was on the ground floor and seated on a shabby throne with the cast of a popular —and probably very copyright protected— animation in front of me. Woodhouse was the head butler and my personal manservant. Pam was the cook and demanded that I start importing sugar and alcohol before she was shushed by Woodhouse. Carol was a maid. Krieger was chancellor and Cyril was the steward. Archer and Lana were in charge of security. Ray was the marshal in charge of everything from the stables to the blacksmith.
I stared in disbelief at the motley crew kneeling in front of me. No wonder my inner mind was in such shambles. I was overcome with an irrational sense of anger at myself.
“Arright, listen up,” I barked, my voice echoing around the room. “I swear to God that I will fire every single one of you and hire circus clowns to replace you if you keep fucking things up. No joke. Circus clowns, got it?”
I ran a hand over my face as Ray pissed himself. “The only reason I’m not putting a boot in your asses right now is because I realise that you’re aspects of me, and the people you represent are pretty damn good at their jobs when they give enough of a shit to actually do them. As a team, you’re dysfunctionally fantastic and always seem to come out ahead no matter the odds.”
Heaving a sigh, I continued. “Things have changed and I need to get my shit together. I’m going to need every one of you to pull your weight and help me help you. Get back to your duties, I’ll meet you one on one later.”
My subconscious caretakers scurried out of the room.
“I’ll have one of the maids tend to the piss,” Woodhouse assured me.
“Never mind that,” I snapped. “I honestly had no idea my mind was such a shit show. I’m very disappointed in myself.” I pictured the Angry, Sad, and Disgusted counters on my personal movies clicking up. “Show me what needs to be done and let’s get started.”
During Woodhouse’s walking tour, everything clicked into place. This was some altered version of Bodiam castle, a location that was on my bucket list of places to visit. The royal council room, located behind the throne room, contained a “living” tapestry on the wall that showed the castle and surrounding land in real time. The castle was located in the middle of a small lake, and a single wood bridge led to the mainland. A small town surrounded the lake and a wall encircled the town. Outside the wall, the land was an irregular patchwork of forest and field, with a stinking swamp to the south. The entire “kingdom” was maybe ten miles across, surrounded by impassable mountains with innumerable creeks that fed the lake which drained into the southern swamp.
“Zombies are the problem, sir.” Woodhouse said, as I surveyed the living tapestry of my mental domain.
“Zombies?” I prompted.
“Yes sir, Zombies” Woodhouse continued. “Nasty bitey things that come in from the mountains and harass the peasants. They’ve gotten especially worse over the last few months. The soldiers do what they can, but they seem to have lost all motivation. Probably because they haven’t been paid.”
“And who pays them?”
“Typically chancellor Krieger is in charge of financial matters, although Steward Figgis has taken over the duty, sir.”
“Then let’s make Figgis our first stop.”
“Very good, sir.”
The office of the steward was run by Cyril Figgis, who managed the kingdom in my absence. It was overflowing with paperwork and charts, books and scrolls piled high on every flat surface. Cyril was desperately attempting to tidy things when Woodhouse and I walked in.
“Yo..you..your majesty,” Cyril stuttered, bowing low. Scrolls fell from his overloaded arms, spilling across the floor. He dropped to his knees and scrambled to gather them up. “I didn’t expect you to visit so soon. Please forgive the mess, housekeeping has been slacking…”
This was the guy who ran things while I was conscious.
“Shut up, Cyril” I said. “You’re responsible for everything in this office. That includes keeping it organised and tidy.”
“Y..yes milord.”
“It’s my understanding that you’re in charge of making sure everyone gets paid. So why aren’t we paying people?” I asked.
“We’re nearly out of Fuks, your majesty. I’ve been saving them for emergencies.”
“Fucks?”
“Fuks,” Cyril explained, pushing a pile of books off a large chest and opening it. Reaching inside he pulled out two small bags and emptied them on top of his cluttered desk. “Gold and Silver Fuks, the currency of the kingdom. I can’t maintain the kingdom when I have no Fuks to give.”
Behold the subconscious kingdom of Vincent J. Carter, it runs on Fuks.
“So how do I get more fuks?” I asked, examining one of the coins. It had an image of me on one side and symbol on the other that could be interpreted as “peace among worlds”.
“You kill the zombies, your majesty.”
Of course I do.
Woodhouse and I left Cyril’s office and headed towards the office of the chancellor where Krieger worked. It seemed that Cyril took over financial matters when Krieger became erratic and proposed luring all the zombies into the city and setting it on fire. Not sure how that corresponds to my own self-destructive behaviour, but I’ve had some dark thoughts over the last couple of months and I’m sure they’re reflected here.
Krieger’s office was much neater in comparison to Cyril’s, but it wasn’t by much. Shelves lined the walls and were filled with an array of questionable items, including a still snapping zombie head in a jar. While the office of the chancellor was supposed to be in charge of financial matters, it looked more like a dodgy rummage sale.
Krieger was launching sword blades at a pig carcass when we walked in.
“What exactly are you doing?” I asked, standing in the doorway.
“Hm? Oh, your majesty!” he said, turning around and bowing deeply. “I’m testing a new invention. It’s a spring loaded hilt that shoots sword blades. Very useful for our soldiers.”
“Stupidest idea ever,” I snapped. “I hate everything about it.”
“Okay,” Krieger said, tossing the hilt into a nearby pile of junk. “But don’t blame me when you need to shoot a sword at a zombie and don’t have one.”
“So why aren’t you managing the financial affairs? Collecting taxes, paying people, stuff like that?”
“Because the population has declined so much none of that matters?”
“What do you mean?”
“Wellll, the population represents things you care about,” Krieger said, going into lecture mode. “And the zombies and other monsters are real or imagined problems in your way. Since you don’t care about too many things the population has shrunk to just what’s needed to keep everything running on the bare minimum of fuks. And since you don’t seem to have any long or short term goals, there’s no need to kill off the zombies and get more fuks. Everything is fine just the way it is.”
“No, it’s not Krieger” I said, grinding my teeth. “My mind is in a shambles. It’s a joke. I want it fixed. No, I want it better than fixed. I want it improved.”
“Oh! I’ve got just the thing for that!” He said, digging around in his pockets, “It’s a spring-loaded hilt that shoots swords!”
Pam and Cheryl were hanging out a gallery window jeering at Archer and Lana sparring in the inner courtyard.
“What the hell are you doing!” I snapped
They whirled in surprise and then dropped into deep curtseys.
“Your majesty!”
I took a deep breath, trying to regain my centre. “Get to work cleaning this place up. Find a room, clean it, and move on to the next. Start with my bedroom, then the throne room and the council chamber, then everything else.”
Cheryl spoke up. “Can’t do it. We got no fuks to clean with.”
“You need fuks to clean?”
“Gotta buy stuff,” Pam said. “Cleaning supplies, food. You wanna eat, you’re gonna have to spend some fuks.”
“Talk to Cyril,” I ordered. “Tell him I said to get you supplied.”
They ran off in the direction of the stewards office.
I watched Archer and Lana bashing each other enthusiastically through the window.
Several minutes later the sparring couple stopped and bowed when Woodhouse and I stepped into the inner courtyard.
“Your majesty”
“My liege”
“Enough,” I said. “If you have enough energy to smash each other, you have enough energy to smash zombies. Tell me what I need to know so I can start gathering fuks.”
Archer shrugged and spoke first. “You just kill the zombies and other monsters. They drop fuks.”
“Anything special about the zombies?” I asked. “Are they fast? Do people get turned into zombies when bitten?”
“Nope,” Lana said, resting her wooden sword on her shoulder. “Most of them are slow shamblers and just need a good wack to the head to kill them.”
“Some are special,” Archer interjected. “Occasionally you’ll have some fast ones, or those that need holy water to kill. They’re just bad memories, figments of your personality that need to be eliminated. Some are worse than others.”
“The zombies are bad memories?” I asked, imagining all the bad memories that I had.
“Memories, thoughts, insecurities, metaphysical mumbo-jumbo,” Woodhouse supplied. “They are endless, but constant vigilance can keep them under control.”
“So let’s get started,” I said. “Lead the way.”
Lana and Archer lead me up to the parapet over the front gate where I looked over at the dozens of zombies milling about aimlessly in front of the entrance to my mind. Pulling out my gun, I began to pick them off, easy as shooting fish in a barrel. The crack of my spell pistol attracted more zombies and I dispatched them with ease until no more were left around the gate. As I fired each shot I could feel some sort of existential energy flowing from me, draining some hidden reserve.
“Gather up the Fuks,” I commanded. “And Lana?”
“Mi’lord?”
“There’s no excuse for this. From now on, I expect the walls to be clear of all zombies.”
“Yes mi’lord,” she said, giving me a small bow.
Turning to Archer, I shook my head. “You’re obviously my personal narcissism, so just try to stay out of Lana’s way, or better yet - try to kill more zombies than her. If you think you can.”
Archer scoffed. “No contest. I took top marks in sharpshooting.”
“That means I should expect to see results by tomorrow. I look forward to it.”
Archer looked panicked for a moment then smiled. “Sure, I can give you results.”
Turning back to Woodhouse I said “Show me what else need attending.”
Woodhouse led me through the town that represented my mind, pointing out each business that had fallen into disrepair, suggested others that needed improvements, and additions that would benefit me. In the distance, I could hear Lana and Archer shooting at the crowd of zombies and with each echoing shot I felt a tiny bit better about everything.
[INDEX]

So I gotta do a rant about something that's now over already for some time but still makes me seethe when I think about it. I am from germany and I am quite unsure about some work related english terminolgy, so if it confuses you ask away.
Until recently I worked in a sheltered workshop and 2.5 years ago there was the next works council vote to be held, at the start there were only 3 candidates so an autistic co-worker (I will call him Matthew) and me thought it would be a more interesting election with more candidates and we both put us up for election after getting some support from our departments, in the end there were actually 8 candidates and even though I could only hold half a speech before having a meltdown, I still got elected together with John and a very friendly co-worker from another department with some form of learning disability (Let's call him Phill)
Now we got a bit of a problem, as we were elected to represent around 150 people, with no one having prior experience in it and the former council being mostly absent/going into retirement, suddenly we were supposed to attend all kind of organizing events, which mostly were very interesting and fun but also stuff like employment interviews for the staff of the sheltered workshop who supervises departments where I already sometimes got sideeyed by the workshop staff when I asked for claryfications on questions.
But what really made me angry was the kind of ableism you'd suddenly encountenotice everyday. We were expected to act like NTs and when we didn't we would be blamed for all kind of stuff.
One time we got a complaint from a department about the staff there and we decided to just go there to ask if we could set up a meeting with them, the next day we were told my the workshop manager that we couldn't just "waltz in" any department as it would send a specific message when the works council just comes along and talks with the staff there and that in the future we should talk to him first.
Another time my two colleagues went down to the manager to set up a meeting because we wanted to talk about a change to the operating regulations he NEEDED our approval for what he ignored "because the former council already agreed" even though that was two years ago at that point postboned because of covid-19.
Well, I never entirely got told what exactly happened there but apparently he told them they could come in right away to speak about it and got very loud at some point, from that day onward Matthew didn't want any conflict anymore at all with the management and I am pretty sure it triggered some traumatic experience from his childhood ABA therapy... from all I can tell and it's making me really sad even today, as he's one of the most kindest and well thought out people I know, even though he's in his fifties he never got that "boomer attitude" going a lots of older people get.
I tried to push it further and managment even acknowled that our complaint about the new regulations were factually correct but they wouldn't care because it's basically already done and it didn't help that my two colleagues didn't want to push it any further as Phill generally, while being a very nice and friendly person just disliked conflict from the start.
Then there were all the times where we were told something would be done with it never being done until we asked at least three more times, like how do these kind of structures NTs put up even keep working at this point?!
A lot of other changes management just assumed any missing protest from our side meant we agreed with it even though they would need our formal confirmation but everytime I wanted to go file an official complaint Phill didn't care and Matthew didn't want to cause a ruckus.
Also bullshit rules obviously made by NTs for NTs, like: You are allowed to eat there even if you are sick but only if you visited a doctor who confirmed you are sick, otherwise you weren't allowed to eat in the canteen because apparently "people could feel it would be unfair" even though no one of our co-workers ever told us so and they wouldn't know if someone was sick or "official sick" anyway as they aren't allowed to ask if a doctor confirmed it or not. When we asked how they intent to control it they said they realisticly couldn't and hence trust the people being honest, we of course mirrored this response to our co-workers and asked of them in a very non sarcastic tone of voice to be please very honest. (Anyone knowing Babylon 5 just imagine Londo)
We started to resort to "more subtle but non subtle" ways of criticizing bad practices, like we held the yearly company meeting (led by us, attened by everyone interested including workshop staff) and there were people who had serious complaints (about being infantilized by certain staff members all the time) who we gave the time to voice it and of course the workshop staff wanted to quiet them down, so we added a "private" part where no workshop staff was allowed, we excluded management from the last part of the monthly meetings, as they did exclude us from theirs (which was already normal practice since years) and stuff like that.
Well overall it was a very interesting and fun experience but it was also so FUCKING FRUSTRATING, indeed it frustrated me so much that I left the workshop (and the works council early) for that very reason after being there almost 11 years, fuck that shit, fuck NTs with power complexes and their "politics" of doing things the very exact way unwritten rules never told you.
I know this got a lot less structured and more chaotic than I wanted and I left out some details but it makes me too angry to straighten it right now, feel free to ask away.
5/10 would only recommend if you are ready to leave afterwards and got a very high frustration tolerance.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA74fttf5
I'm[f36] getting really lonely, but hubby[m34] doesn't want to change our open relationship rules.
Originally posted to sex
Original Post Dec 30, 2022
Originally opening up our marriage was my idea. When presented with the idea hubby was strongly against it, however after just one night of thinking about it he changed his mind and was enthusiastic about it.
I have set up rules and borders. To keep everything private, family and friends are off the table, use protection... Hubby was OK with those. The only rule that he added is that we do not have to fulfil each other sexual/romantic/emotional needs anymore. I was OK with that.
I took a very "classic" approach to an open marriage and just started going out with other men.
Hubby took a very alternative approach.
He had built a huge man cave in the basement and practically moved into it. It's his room now, he sleeps there too. Doesn't want to watch movies with me, cuddle or anything. Also he started going to the gym with his coworker, they go out together, spend a lot of time in his mancave, she even sleeps over sometimes. However hubby insists that they are just friends and he is not bringing his lover to our house and I believe him, she seems gay.
Our daughter spends a lot of her time with them. They play videogames, billiard, music. Sometimes they order takeaway food and eat down there. She doesn't spend a lot of time with me. The rest of the house seems deserted.
I broke one rule and have asked my husband about his sex life. He says that sometimes he hires an "escort girl", and that experience can last him for a month or two. I wanted to share but he didn't want to know anything about my sex life.
So all in all he has managed to set up his life just fine within the borders and rules we had set up. He had "compartmentalised" every need in his life. He gets sex from sex workers, they do not complain, company and emotional support from his friend, which doesn't complain, I guess we are partners in finances and parents of our child.
They made a plan to make a huge tour of Europe together, hubby asked me is it OK to take our daughter this summer to tag along with them.
I wanted to tag along. He declined :/
I asked my daughter does she want to travel with me this summer, she said that I am boring and want's to go with her dad. :/
I'm starting to feel really lonely. Hubby is not interested in deeper conversations, touches, cuddles, even sex initiations. He is only interested in doing "fun" stuff.
I talked with my hubby about changing the rules of our relationship, so that we can get atleast one day per week of us time. He said that he is OK about changing a rule about being emotional with our partners. So I can find a lover which is emotionally supportive and wants to spend time and travel with me.
I tried doing that, but it turned into a proper shitshow. I made plans to spend this Xmas with my lover, and ended up spending it alone.
So I resorted to using an ultimatum. I placed divorce on the table. Hubby said that we are financially much better off together, but if I want one he is not going to make it hard for me.
Now what?
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP. DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP OR COMMENT ON THE ORIGINAL POST

Hiya!
I wanted to come in and write a post about my MA experience 2 weeks post pills.
I took my first dose at 5 weeks and 6 days with fear of the pain and sickness I read so many experience. When I placed the next dose of pills vaginally, I was so nervous as I experience some terrible period cramps on a norm and didn’t want this to be like that.
What I can say is, wow is it easier than expected. My best advice is to eat plain food the day before and the day during. No artificial sugars, no greasy food, just plain easy to digest food. I do this on a regular month before I get my period and I feel like it tremendously helps with my period cramps so doing this for my MA felt smart.
It took about 2.5 hours before any bleeding started. Actually - I felt like it was late and was about to seek help before something came out. From here it was like a full river escaped me (the gush is real). I typically have light periods so this was shocking! At the worst of the cramps I would give the pain a 6/10 and I mean this was the WORST. Nothing ibuprofen and paracetamol didn’t help, I took about 800mg of ibuprofen and 500mg of paracetamol about an hour before I started anything.
Heating pad is a MUST. I don’t think I could have done this without. I unfortunately didn’t have my partner with me during this so I was worried about being alone but I had my friend on speed dial in case of emergency, to be honest it was kind of nice to just be dwelling in my own misery.
Cramps ended about after day 2, after what I feel was the passing of the pregnancy, the cramps started to fade with sometimes popping back up and then going. The bleeding began to stop after day 4.
Here I am 2 weeks after and from time to time I will bleed brown and pass a clot but with no pain. It’s like not often enough to continuously wear a pad but enough to be weary. I have one week to go until I can take my pregnancy test again but honestly when they say “symptoms going down like the feeling of feeling pregnant” it’s true. I didn’t have many symptoms to begin with part from sore breasts and slight cramping (and being very very emotional) but I can’t believe how much BETTER I feel! I feel very confident this worked and that everything went smoother than expected.
I write this for anyone else going through this for their first time! I honestly didn’t think I could become pregnant and after years of BC I stopped it and followed the flo app for my ovulation days. TIP - don’t do this 😂. I’m now back on the pill and feel much better to just have this out of the way.
The whole process was legit easier than a monthly period.
Good luck to those having to go through this! You can do it!

I’ve never written a question on this app before but this is eating at me. BUCKLE UP THIS IS LONG!
So my husband’s family have been abusive to him, he is the black sheep of his family he is the youngest and has a different father than his older siblings (8,6 years older).
Ever since I started dating him I was antagonized in some way. When I first met his family for Christmas his middle brother invited his ex-girlfriend to hang out, unbeknownst to my then bf which was awkward but she was fine with me. My boyfriend then was really sick and I took the train 2 hours to pick him up from his home (where his family was with their cars) and take him to a hospital in London. He was there for 6 days not one person visited him but me. They made fun of him and minimized his illness.
Then we moved to my home country the US and eloped. They came to visit a few years later his mom and eldest brother were okay. Middle brother again constantly throwing barbs and digs at me completely unprovoked. I get there may be a culture difference they are White English conservatives, I’m African American. Shortly after we married he dated a black girl, who left bc she was also treated poorly. Some examples of digs; I congratulated him on graduating and asked him when he finished he replied “same time you were supposed to” (I dropped out). Then I asked what the he loved most and what was challenging about being a PT and he replied “no offense, working with fat people.” Took them to multiple meals and covered everything which wasn’t cheap, he complained about the food being “reheated” and bitched when he was ID’d.
Things get progressively worse, middle brother has a precious baby. I want to spoil her and become close with the mother of the child (who is not with him due to his creepy behavior). We form a fast friendship and chat all the time about the baby. My brother in-law tortures this girl denies he is the dad but also goes out of his way to bully her (she’s not breast feeding right, she shouldn’t have pacifiers) all from the comfort of his home. He is also constantly complaining about having to pay $50 a week in child support nonstop saying he is going “bankrupt”. My hubby is part of a group chat and my mother-in-law talks ish about my friend and my hubby is telling me. I ask to see and his brother is actively trying to give his soon to be 1 year old daughter eggs and gluten that his ex told him she was allergic to and they are plotting to do this during her birthday and explicitly NOT tell my friend the mom of his baby. The reasoning was “I’m the father, I deserve to be respected, I can make choices to” but he is extremely sneaky. I show my friend/baby’s mom the messages and all hell breaks loose because of course he lies and gets caught. I would have told him off directly but he blocked me because he was mad at how close I was getting to his ex. I am called a “despicable woman” dragged in their chat, made to seem that I’m spying on my husband and accused of being jealous and sabotaging my niece’s birthday party. My husband says nothing in my defense just goes along like he didn’t send me the photos of their chat…
They don’t know I’m pregnant at this time and I chose not to tell any of my in-laws due to how awful they are. I also don’t believe in telling anyone that would wish ill on me and my baby (bad juju), but my bestie the baby mom knows. I give birth his mom has an absolute tantrum says incredibly awful things to my husband, reaches out to my mom to wish her congratulations on her grandchild and says “i guess I will learn to love him.”
Then my friend the mom gets diagnosed with cancer and wants to keep this secret and makes me promise, she kept my secret pregnancy it is the least I could do. She dies a few months later and my brother in law attacks her for not telling him and claims she is a horrible mother. He takes custody of his daughter.
Fast forward the eldest brother meets this hog woman. She is rotund and English, very ignorant and rude. The first interaction I had she thought she knew so much, decides to bash my dead friend’s parenting, call my dead father in law “weird”, tells me my niece eats everything now due to having a “good parent” and called my apt in NYC “embarrassing” bc it had scaffolding on google maps when she looked me up (like a creep). She then antagonizes me in a variety of slick ways including posting the eldest brother with my niece with the caption “uncle B’s favorite!” On my son’s birthday. Most recently I tell his family that we want to actually have a proper wedding and celebrate after 10 years of marriage, i give them 2 years notice. The hog says “ohhh me and the eldest are planning on getting married then.” I ask why she says “nice weather”. She then proceeds to have a fall wedding (orange, red, greens, pumpkins, barley, wheelbarrows etc.” in May. I try to be the bigger person and send a kind welcome and she leaves me on read.
I hate these people, I need to let this go. My husband says that we should just go on continuing our happy life and not “start problems”. But it feels like so much awfulness to have to swallow. I also feel like if/when I do speak up I’m the hysterical angry black woman and this hog is the “innocent”. The whole thing is so so frustrating but I need to let it go even though I want them to hurt emotionally as much as they have hurt us.
Any recommendations, would you want revenge? There is so much more but I have written a novel already. I feel alone like no one has my back or tries to understand my perspective. They are so sneaky and underhanded. I want to protect my family from these sick people. At the same time I want justice, justice for my husband, for my dead bestie, for me son and for me.

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PRs: u/anakist & u/BroDogIsMyName
- - - - -
Ceele strolled through the damp grass along the outskirts of the village, a spring in her step and the dwindling scent of dew following behind. It rained yesterday, which had prevented her from going out to gather supplies, but the mild morning air had been accommodating enough for her to get an early start and make the trip. She was glad she did.
One hand clutched her new prize to her chest, while the other held a fraying wicker basket filled with herbs and some edible roots she gathered by exploring the forbidden forest. Despite her reservations regarding where she chose to go, her excitement now lingered like a steady thrum of shifting stones, giving her energy that defied how long she had been walking. She all but pranced beneath the burgeoning night's sky, gleefully toeing the line between the dirt pathways of the settlement’s outskirts and the trees of unclaimed land. Normally, her path back home would never be so close to the village, but she was far too gleeful to mind. She had come back with a sense of fulfillment and a rare object—or if not rare, then hopefully of great value.
It was hard to point to any one specific reason that she came across the orb. There had always been a ‘draw’ during her travels, urging her that there was something missing in her life, yet it was no more than a mild whim to walk in a particular direction more often than not. Once she reached this part of the continent, she was compelled to wander, never quite able to explain why she obliged the sensation besides having nowhere in particular to be. Even when she finally settled somewhere, it stayed in the back of her mind, suggesting that she was close to whatever would make the pit of vacancy go away. She ignored it, purposefully distracting herself with her work and responsibilities, yet that could only last so long. When she awoke this morning with plans to resupply, and all of her newfound spots had been picked clean by wildlife, she turned to the depths of the forest where she was warned not to tread. It was all too easy to follow the subtle tug in her chest through the loose justification.
The urge to be somewhere grew unbearable with every step closer to the forbidden area. That sense of having a direction she needed to go became stronger and stronger, until she was well into land long since forgotten. She came across an overgrown depression in the hillside, and was entranced by the foreboding image. Something about the cave just…beckoned her. She was far too weak to resist.
Horrible tales echoed into her ears as whispers of fearful voices, warning and unending, yet but a dull drone compared to her hammering heart. She navigated the trees and brushed aside unkempt vines, stepping into the cavern with a mix of expectation and trepidation, then laid eyes on the small obsidian stone perched atop a crumbling pillar. The feeling of needing to travel somewhere…stopped.
The pull was absent, which was why she held the orb close instead of placing it into her basket. She wasn’t sure what it was exactly, but she recalled overheard tales of hidden gemstones, deep cavernous expanses, and the untold terrors that lay within. Comparing the scenes of those fables to the cave seemed foolish now; it wasn’t some torturous chamber, but a dusty depression in a small hillside. Besides, anything this pretty was sure to be worth a fair sum, and she needed the coin. Yet the thought of selling the precious-looking stone was a conflicting one. She shook off the thought for the time being, turning her attention back towards where she was going.
Shadows stretched and faded as the moon stole the last of the illumination afforded by the sun, replacing it with a calming glow that caressed the log frames and thatched roofs of various homes. A star-filled sky came into prominence as clouds lazily drifted away, revealing the promise of tomorrow’s fair-weathered arrival. It was too late for anyone to notice her treading on the edge of their town while lost in thought, but she was still careful not to get too close to the houses or livestock pens where people might be finishing the evening’s duties. It was best that they didn’t see her returning from a place she was told not to go. Still, her feet carried her near the dwellings as she took in the noises.
Ceele enjoyed the comforting chatter from a distance. Indistinct words floated freely. Meaningless gossip and warm goodbyes were exchanged between friends and family. Places of various occupations were dark and quiet, only the faint contented mewls and clucks of livestock coming from their pastures as they ate what was recently put out for them. No metal rang throughout the streets as it was struck inside a centralized smithy, no heated bartering came from an overactive trade house, and the crunch of dirt beneath transport or merchant wagons was absent, replaced by the rapid steps and yelps of children rushing to their homes before it got too dark out. It was all just gentle conversation and life drifting through the wind, taking the rustle of leaves along for the ride, just so she could hear it. Tranquil, in a word.
She wondered what it would sound like if she were yet one more voice within that crowd of kindness. Would it be loud like the larger cities? Would she struggle to maintain a thought with so many stray topics floating about? Would she once more yearn for the peace and quiet of solitude that she had grown used to, or would she immerse herself, free of judgment and laughing like the carefree young that scampered about? Did thinking about it even matter?
Her smile fell from its genuine intensity—still worn, but not as fully. She glanced downward as her stride lost its jubilant bounce, her tail losing its sway as her grey eyes examined the dry black scales that adorned her body against her wishes. It was the ugly hue of tarnished oil, unlike the skin of any other kobold she had met. Some had reds or greens, yellows or whites, while most were between a sandy tan or earthen brown. The rainbow of peculiarities was displayed by the lucky few, and she was one of them…
…Yet she was different in the worst of ways.
Even if she would rather any other colour, she supposed it was that way to make sure no one came near without accepting the unspoken risks. That was what her mother always said, anyway, though the woman hardly feared much of anything in her old age, and dedicated herself to giving her offspring all the love she had left to give—a perk of living a full life. She would always help her daughter bathe, complimenting the colour of what most were unnerved by. That was more than a decade ago now, however. Ceele’s parents had passed on while she was still young, and she took to travelling not long after, working at what she could to afford what little she needed. Never for long, though—just enough to get to the next town between where she was and where the urge to go lay. There were certainly moments she looked back on fondly, but the journey had taken its toll.
The crude material of her ‘dress’ was coarse, old, and heavy, but it helped ease the worst of spring's chill—even if it was more of a modified sack than proper attire. Still, it was all she had after the last of her clothing fell apart, and giving the repurposed material a name that reminded her of something else made it less uncomfortable to wear, somehow. It would have to do until she could afford a pitying seamstress or the like. Until then, she would pretend she didn’t look so desperate, even if it only highlighted her status and made finding work difficult.
But it did. The dishevelled garment was a far cry from the wonderful silks or breathtaking designs she had seen some women wear, harshly marking the distinction between herself and those of affluence. The clothing of commoners was also a leap in style and quality, so she couldn't say her attire was up to even modest standards. No matter how hard she squinted, and no matter how much she fantasized otherwise, she seemed every bit like the vagrant she was, down to the soil embedded in the curvature of her claws and the stains throughout her fabrics. She looked like a serf from the more oppressed lands, yet they too wore crude cottons, which said a lot about how she appeared to those who had never lived a life of servitude. It was obvious that she was an outsider. That she didn't belong amongst the rest. It made changing something as simple as her appearance all the more difficult; prospective employment always saw a young woman who seemed more likely to steal or swindle than make an honest day’s living.
There was one good twist of fate in recent memory, however, and she came upon the result of it after leaving the slowing bustle of the village behind. Her steps carried her through a small copse of trees on the outskirts of town, the small shaded path leading to the back of a large, carefully pruned clearing, a scattering of fruit-bearing trees providing even darker shadow than the already dim moonlight. She skirted along the aging fence on the border that kept predatory animals away, carefully hoisting herself over the barrier where a large vegetable garden she was responsible for tending resided. If one were to tell her she would be living in such an area several months ago, she would have smiled politely and walked away, yet here she was.
A modest, warmly lit home occupied the middle of the clearing, sitting front and centre when one approached from the village path. It looked quite cozy, surrounded by berry bushes that were just beginning to bloom as the last dregs of winter slipped away. A front patio displayed a nice table and well-loved chairs, the rustic appearance only adding to its charm as a place where friends and family spent the warm summer afternoons. A smithy to the left of the house functioned as an additional heated building during the colder months, but usually served as a storefront and to muffle the sounds of hammered iron, though that had become less common. An old stable was nearby, close enough to be accessible, but not so close as to disturb the once occupying animals with sounds of iron craft. It hadn't seen a horse in quite some time, apparently, so it was mostly a workshop for whatever tasks didn’t require fire or metal.
There was a long history attached to each little detail—from the scuffs along the wooden siding to the depressions in the ground where daily routine wore into the earth. Every fault suffered throughout the years was matched by a thousand quirks that made it feel welcoming, like the house itself was merely waiting for the next friendly face with one of its own. She knew that the inside of each building would look just as cared for.
Her concern lay outside, however. It was a comparatively miniscule space just barely visible through the sheltering trees, true, yet it was where her efforts turned into tangible results, and where a stranger’s trust was painstakingly repaid. Once overgrown grass had been laboriously trimmed, the weeds plucked and disposed of, and now nothing distracted from what she could claim she had done.
The small plots of rock-bordered soil had little buds of growing vegetables, a sense of pride never failing to bloom in her breast with the knowledge that it would be barren without her touch. When her troubles and concerns grew heavy, and fears of the future or spectres of the past loomed over her head, she could look at where she had brought life where it wouldn't otherwise be. Some days, that was enough. She smiled in appreciation at what was admittedly amateur work, the night’s sky helping to hide any inevitably made mistakes.
She enjoyed the sight for a moment longer, then turned to walk towards a neglected old tool shed that was well out of sight within the trees, far away from whatever warmth and comfort the larger house offered to everyone and anyone. She put a hand on the degrading wood of the entryway, giving one last sad smile at the garden as she dismissed selfish thoughts of taking the eventual harvest for herself. A breath cleared the uncertainty from her voice, and she pushed open the door.
“I'm home!”
= = = = =
It took a while for Altier to adjust to his situation, and even once he accepted that his mana wasn't being siphoned, he was still reeling from confusion. He had spent centuries with every year passing by without his notice, yet now he was painfully aware of each creeping second languidly dragging on with the expediency of growing grass. It was as disorienting as it was painfully nostalgic.
Time was something he was never good with, and it only got worse as a dungeon. He'd get lost in creating rooms, corridors, creatures, and whatever else needed doing, only pausing to watch or listen to the few adventurers he became interested in. There was a stint where he spent what felt like hours agonizing over new abilities or options while he let the system manage things in the background, though he supposed it might have been much longer. So many wasted days, yet he still hadn't managed to try everything he had gained access to. Some abilities were simply too niche, came with concerning titles, or held descriptions that made him wary. Anything with ‘Decay’ in the name was instantly ignored—he didn't need more reasons to fear his affinity, and from the few he took the effort to read through, they were always vile.
But his existence for the moment was no longer like those endless stretches spent pondering the minutiae of what would help his adventurers grow stronger. Now, he could follow the rhythmic sounds of footsteps and steady breathing that set a calming pace. They were someone else's, yes, but they contextualized how easy it was to slip away without the subtle noises of life that he had long since surrendered to help his family. Of course, there were more differences that he noticed since being removed from his crumbling cavern, and his sight was the newest change.
He never gave much thought to how far he could see before. Why would he? As a man, his world extended as far as he could fathom, yet was also confined to the room where he spent his days, and as a dungeon… Well, who was he to consider distance when an event happening miles away could be seen with a flicker of thought? Nothing was too far when it was within his creation. Or his ‘body,’ he supposed. Sadly, his entire perception currently consisted of the small sphere of his obsidian core, and maybe a finger's length beyond it—which is to say, not much. He could make out the fine details in the dirty burlap he was held against, and how pale moonlight slowly took over the blurred reds of sunset, but hardly anything more. It was all just frosted colours after a certain point, and he found it infinitely frustrating. He just wanted to peer beyond the haze and scaly hand holding him to confirm that the sky he remembered was still there. Alas, the sunlight faded at too quick a pace, yet one oh so agonizingly slow.
The ensuing darkness gave him nothing to do but think about where he was, not that he had any ideas. He was too curious about why he wasn't dead to bother much with his blurry surroundings after the soft-spoken kobold abducted him, thus why he only belatedly noticed how limited his worldview had become. There might have been a forest beyond his cave, but the greens and browns were gone, and the sounds of steps through brush was replaced by the distant din of a village. An idle curiosity pondered if he would recognize any descents of his ‘family tradition’ adventurers there, but he was being carried by what most considered a monster, so likely not.
That short musing was short-lived, however, and he brought his focus back to the matter at hand. He supposed he was being taken somewhere specific, but that was an obvious deduction, considering he was taken at all. The why of the matter was less so; for what purpose would someone want a Decay-aligned core? He hadn’t heard of them before…well, before he was made into one, but he couldn’t imagine many uses. Maybe he was being sold? His…kidnapper? His sudden companion seemed rather pleased by their discovery of him, so that might be the case, and it was morbidly amusing to think that a frail, sickly young man might one day become a coveted, highly valuable item. His abduction could also be a part of some cult’s nefarious activities, but he didn't want to think about that too hard. He experienced enough odd ceremonies from the adventurers who took the time to tell him their tales.
Either way, he wasn't in the dungeon anymore, and he couldn’t see where he was going. He tried to query his menu to glean an answer, but was met with a scrambled mess he suspected read ‘Synchronizing…’ and little else. It gave him a headache trying to make sense of it—which he didn't know was possible anymore—so he dismissed the text and distracted himself with blurs from whatever diluted senses he still had. There wasn’t much to observe other than the constant footfalls and the flicker of shadows on his companion’s burlap garment. They might have travelled through brush again, but it was too dark to really say for certain.
Eventually, there was something new. He heard an old latch rattle and rusted door hinges groan, then a shuddered clack that confirmed he was now in a building. His kobold acquaintance gently cooed at something before moving about the nearly pitch-black space, finally setting him down on a… He wasn’t sure what it was, besides old and wooden.
[D$#@m$n E@$*ded]
The headache from before became a blinding migraine that suffocated him under a flash-flood of suffering. Seconds passed in abject torture until it blissfully abated, the mental blinks clearing his mind enough to notice a change in his existence. Specifically, he could actually see something besides the rotting wood grain he was placed on top of.
And it wasn’t anything promising…
He was more or less in the centre of a room no bigger than twelve paces by maybe ten. Not a terrible size for a space, but it was clearly never meant to house someone. His resting place looked about as neglected as he surmised; it was an upturned feeding trough, he supposed, since calling it a table seemed too generous. The surface was rife with holes and degraded iron, so it was something that once saw regular use before being replaced and tossed into storage, never to see the light of day again.
Actually, most things in the room seemed to fit that description. The window shutters were installed with metal hinges that had since rusted them closed, the misalignment letting in a draft—and whatever weather was outside as well, most likely. A poorly carved bowl sat on the floor, the stain beneath it hinting that it collected any rainwater that slowly dripped from the leaky roof. The wooden floorboards looked old, splintered, and in need of maintenance or replacement, though an effort had been put into abrading it somewhat smooth lately.
A tiny and decrepit fireplace was to the left of the door upon entry, its brickwork slowly crumbling due to weathering and age. It was sized more for keeping the room warm during mild days than to keep away the frigid chill of night. Its base only held cold ashes, but there was a collection of deadwood and scraps nearby, so that would probably be rectified soon. A small wheel-less cart had been turned into storage against the opposite wall, some herbs and other foraged items stowed away in it for future use. Various things he remembered seeing his father and brothers use in the fields were scattered about, too. It was nostalgic to see, honestly, even if his recollections had blurred over time.
Bundles of tattered blankets formed a pair of nests in the far corner, the smaller of the two had a pile of rough plants nearby. That answered his silent pondering of the room's purpose somewhat, though he was pretty sure the bedding material was salvaged, and there didn’t seem to be any hay or padding underneath whoever was sleeping on it. He didn’t know what to think about the weeds; they were purposefully placed there, and whoever did so had taken the time to wash them, but it was still strange.
He couldn’t see a doorway besides the entrance, yet most of the hallmarks of residency were put where space could be afforded, however crude. All in all, he surmised that it was a gardening shed of sorts, and his new acquaintance apparently lived here. He wasn't sure what he was expecting when a creature he had only read about came into his dungeon, but it wasn't being brought to a rundown and decrepit shack for unknown purposes.
Even if he had been raised by parents who made a humble living at the best of times, and they had emptied their coffers for unsuccessful attempts to ease his ailments, his acquaintance's living space made him uncomfortable. His family's house was never anything fancy, true—it shared some of the worn qualities that inevitably gathered over the years—but it was never this bad. His home benefited from a father's touch keeping it robust and a mother’s love keeping it warm, whereas this place had seen neither in quite some time. Oh, there was evidence that such was once the case; a wall was adorned with carefully made and well-spaced hangers for the various gardening tools, though the implements themselves had become a victim of neglect. That being said, he could make out the fresh soil and recent scratches exposing furrows of silver, so they were seeing use again.
A scrape and clack of flint drew his attention to his kobold companion. They were kneeling in front of the fireplace, methodically sparking life back into a dead flame with twigs and dried leaves. A slow, steady breath into the reddened base illuminated its face with a dull orange glow, revealing its weary visage and the permanently etched smile that rested beneath its cold grey eyes. The black-scaled kobold looked tired, if he were to guess—much the same as Altier did when he spent countless days watching everyone living a life he could never have through the mossy window of his bedroom. He was probably humanizing it too much. Still, he was surprised by the muted pang of sympathy, and how he would feel much more than blithe curiosity after spending so much time alone in the crumbling crypt of his own making.
A mental breath cycled through him as he looked at the odds and ends yet to be observed. Hardly anything else was of note—everything else was degraded and neglected, too. He did notice a nest of blankets move though, which was as good a distraction as any. The answer to his previous ‘pile of weeds’ inquiry poked a tiny nose from a crease in the fabric, then rapidly pawed at the blankets to dig itself out. Altier stared at the creature in both recognition and confusion.
It was a rabbit…or at least it looked like one, assuming you were to also describe a porcupine and a sea urchin as well. He was pretty sure he didn’t remember any hare that had jagged metal-tipped fur, nor that had said fur arranged into a row of spiked horns that flowed down its spine, terminating at a large fluffy tail, which was equally bizarre to see. The whole of its coat could double as a weapon, with semi-sharp barbs sticking off seemingly at random, yet he remembered an adventurer saying most animals used that sort of thing defensively. He increased his focus as he tried to make sense of the odd creature. Surely he would have heard about—
[Hoppittttttt#%%÷ — Ferro-o-orabbit-it (Ma%$le)
Abil—]
[Null]
[Er0Rrrrrrrr—]
[Und#$f—]
He bit back the pain caused by the sudden intrusion of his menu, blanking out the text and mentally retreating to hide from the source. Did he just inspect something? How? Shouldn’t his entire…‘framework,’ was it…? Yes, that was it. Shouldn’t that have been corrupted? Why could he see the creature’s information when his entire framework was damaged? That was the first ability he lost, so why is it the first to be functional? How was it functional? Was it? It did just spit garbled text at him, but it was something, and that was more than he had gotten from it in a very long time. If it was somehow working—no matter how poorly—then that left the question of why he hadn't heard of anything called a ‘ferrorabbit’ before, assuming he read that correctly.
A soft thud vibrated the tro— table, startling him out of thought. He turned his attention to the button nose wiggling erratically at him, the short, stubby muzzle leading to surprisingly expressive and curious red eyes. Dull brown fur jutted off in random tufts and patches, changing to a darker tint on its paws and the upper half of its ears, while the tips of its spikes were a muted hue of iron. It still seemed just as soft as the less pointed variety he remembered, if a touch dirty. Upright ears twitched this way and that way as its head vigorously shook, eventually settling on pointing in his direction when it calmed down enough.
It was apparent that he had its undivided attention…for all of a few seconds. His scaly companion called something out in their foreign tongue, and whatever conclusion the pointy-furred animal came to, it seemed more interested in the kobold, parting from him after nudging his core with its nose.
[Cre-e-e—]
[Errrrrrr0r: Undefiiiiiiii—]
[Acceeeeep-t-t-t??]
[Yeeee— s s / Nnnnnnn—]
He winced at the intrusion, but the contents detracted from the pain. He couldn’t remember the system ever asking him a question without his explicit intent being involved. It wanted him to…accept something? Was it the system prompting him, or the animal? What was he to accept?
[Creatuuuuu—]
[Acce-e-e-%#@ed!]
…What?
= = = = =
“Hoppit, that's not food!” Ceele admonished half-heartedly, placing a larger branch on the burgeoning flame before she got to her feet. She wasn’t actually that worried; the stone was as big as his head, and she was pretty sure he couldn't bite into it. Hopefully. “Come here, momma has a treat for you!”
The ferrorabbit playfully bumped the gemstone and jumped off the low table, landing with a soft thud that belied how heavy he was for his tiny size. He wiggled in excitement, his ears flailing and releasing a slight clack whenever the two connected. It got even louder when she grabbed her basket and put away the useful herbs, taking out a specific item that she had gathered just for him. The little bun wasted no time in scurrying over and standing tall on his hind legs to judge if the offered plant was to his liking—and it was, based on how he dug in with enthusiasm. She stifled a laugh as she contentedly watched him nibble away on the treat, ignoring the guilt that came with knowing she couldn't afford proper vegetables for him. He had a hard life too, and it tore at her to have so little to give.
She came across Hoppit a year ago, during a storm that worsened while she was travelling between towns. The day had darkened to night in spite of it still being about noon, but the weather didn't care for how bright it was supposed to be. Wind and rain became a typhoon, forcing her to seek shelter in a thankfully abandoned den of what was probably a larger animal. She was fine with waiting out the squall, since the stone roof over her head was more than she usually had back then, but the sounds of dull bangs and thuds near her hideaway was followed by cries of animals yelping in pain. Curiosity won over reason, and she left the safety of her shelter to see what was causing the disturbance. Truthfully, she was hopeful that she'd come across scraps or the like, her hunger driving her forward, and she could always turn back if it seemed dangerous. Yet when she arrived at the source of the commotion, she found herself thinking of anything but food.
Two predators had fought over a small burrow, both trying to dig out a meal and taking offence to the other doing the same. What they didn’t know was that they were assaulting the home of ferrorabbits. Specifically, the home of an angry, protective, and well-fed mother that was keeping her newborns safe from the storm when predators decided to try their luck. From the scene Ceele came across, it was certainly obvious why most people dislike trying to hunt the creatures.
Sadly, the rabbit didn't survive an attack from two predators, but she did make their victory pyrrhic; neither could do much about their hunger with their bodies full of cuts and holes, and it was only a matter of time before they succumbed to blood loss or infection. The mother's sacrifice meant that the babies had avoided the imminent threat, but they were left unattended as a consequence, and it took an opportunistic bird swooping down to shake Ceele out of her shock. Despite her subsequent hurry, she only acted in time to save one of the orphaned young. The warren was new and barely dug out, which meant that it didn’t take much effort for the kits to be found—by both her and hungry maws. All she could do was scoop the ball of fluff into her arms and run back to the cave before anything else tried to eat it.
In retrospect, it was a stupid decision for a number of factors. She barely had the resources to supply herself, and an attempt to raise offspring of any type would only make the inevitable heartbreak worse. But when she saw how quiet and scared he was… How his tiny, shaking body calmed in her arms, those terrified red eyes seeking comfort… She should have just walked away when she knew there wasn’t going to be anything to fill her stomach. She should have put the baby animal down and let nature take its course…yet the preciously furry face stole her heart far too quickly for it to grow so cold. The next day was spent backtracking to the nearest town to get him something suitable to eat, which used most of her meagre savings. Still, it was worth every coin.
Hoppit had been accompanying her ever since. He grew quickly, transitioning from something she saved that stormy night into a presence she had grown to love like a child. The little lagomorph would bounce along beside her during her travels, then ride in her arms as he rested—though the latter happened with worrying frequency as of late. She hadn’t learned much about the springy herbivores, but she knew enough to say that he wasn't as big as he should be, nor was his fur as sharp. No matter how startled he was, his spiky coat never managed to do more than stiffen slightly, which was apparently a side effect of poor diet, according to snippets of conversation she had overheard on the topic. She wanted him to be healthy, but she didn't know what he needed. Not many farmers raised ferrorabbits, and those that did were far away, so she didn’t have anyone to ask what she should be doing. Her best course of action was to give him what little she had.
Ceele was well aware of how he would be better off on his own, but he followed her whenever she tried to set him free. Hoppit just kept launching into her arms and wiggling his ears, ecstatic that he was with her again, uncaring that food was scarce and that they spent most of their days travelling. No amount of cold nights spent bundling up under the tattered blankets she managed to find ever dampened his spirits, and he was content to eat the grass or flowers whenever he felt like it, oblivious to the fact that he wasn’t getting enough nutrition. He would dig and excitedly drag back oddities that he found, and the one time he found a plant that looked particularly good for him, he insisted that it be shared with her.
A black pit still lingered in her chest when she recalled how pleased he was while he munched on the rare vegetable he discovered, then how distressed he became when she wouldn’t have any as well. He bumped and nipped at her, all but begging her to eat. His ears pinned back against his head, his fur bristled in a way she hadn’t seen since. It was only when she took a small bite and let him inspect the new teeth marks that he seemed to calm down, but perhaps she had been looking too deep into the actions of her tiny friend. All she could say for certain was that he was scared she was going hungry.
A morbid thought wondered if his first mother had refused food shortly before being attacked, and he—as small and simple as he was—had connected the two events in his mind, making him absolutely terrified that something would happen if Ceele didn’t have something too. All of that fear, and desperation overwhelmed him, just because she was happier watching him eat. She was determined to erase that issue. She would find something that needed a worker and earn enough to feed them both. One day, she would be able to smile at how big and healthy her little fluffy boy had become, but until then, it was becoming increasingly difficult not to think about how she was spending so much time growing vegetables and fruit that he couldn’t have…
Every morning was an exercise in tending to the gardens while actively shoving down images of a pleased ferrorabbit happily eating the results. That never went well; no matter how determined she was to complete her duties without a single selfish thought, most tasks were done while picturing his full belly and delighted bounces. There were a few weeks until the fastest of the crops would be ready for harvest, and Ceele would have to collect them while fighting the urge to bring back just a few for him.
She couldn’t, because she knew exactly how quickly that could escalate. It would start small—A vegetable here, a fruit there—but seeing Hoppit happy was one of the precious few good things she had in her life. Crossing the line would only become easier each time. They couldn’t risk losing their new home over greed, and she was already betraying the trust given to her by housing a wild animal, especially one known to be a pest for crops. She didn't want to know how angry it would make her benefactors if she was caught taking their vegetables for one.
No matter how tame and precious Hoppit was, and no matter how well he listened, they would only see him as the same creature that ruined harvests in droves. Thus was why she had to tell him to stay cooped up by himself while she was working or scavenging. And to her surprise, he did.
Honestly, she had made the initial request with the expectation of needing to carry him back into their home until he understood that she wasn’t leaving him forever. There wasn’t much she could do to stop the ferrorabbit from digging through the old wooden building if he wanted to get out. He wouldn’t need to damage anything either—a rotting board on the door only needed a little push to nudge it out of the way, and his natural curiosity made sure he was aware of it. But no, Hoppit was well-behaved as always, keeping hidden until she walked through the door, where he would leap from the shadows to personally show her how good he was and how he stayed put like she asked him to. It never stopped amazing her that he had such a surprising level of understanding despite being an animal, and that was to say nothing of how young he was.
All that intelligence, joy, and companionship he offered her…and yet the best she could give back to him was the weeds from the garden and the odd plant she found while scavenging…
Soft clacks of flicking ears dragged her from her pondering, her mind returning to the present. Hoppit finished his treat of the small plant, then bounced in place and scurried over to his bowl of water, perfectly happy to have eaten only that. He was so joyful with how little she provided, approaching every day of scarcity with the same enthusiasm she could never muster, as if certain that everything would be alright.
“It’s bedtime, Hoppit,” Ceele announced through a soft sigh, stoking the fire with enough branches to hopefully last the night. The ferrorabbit perked an ear in her direction, then sat on his haunches to extend the rest of himself up, his two little forepaws adorably held to his chest as he inspected the room like he always did. She smiled and made sure everything was stored away, then laid down on her bundle of blankets, covering herself with the warmest one. Hoppit bolted over to snuggle once he decided everything in the shed was up to his standards, throwing himself to the floor in a dramatic flop of comfort. Her quiet laughter subsided as they both settled in for the night, her tail completing the rabbit’s encompassing cuddle, but her eyes fell towards the obsidian orb on the table, her thoughts following suit.
It sat there, just as she left it, as benign as anything else ever placed atop the improvised furnishing. Yet there was a sense of ease and purpose as well. The old wooden trough seemed…important with its adornment firmly laid upon its surface, and she couldn’t puzzle out why. She was starting to doubt her earlier excitement.
Should she sell it? Would anyone know where it came from? Would anyone know what it was, or if it was worth anything? If she could get even a modest sum for it, she would be able to buy clothing, food, and new bedding. It would be easier to convince someone to give her work if she was dressed better and wasn’t so thin, and then she would have the income to slowly improve both of their lives. She could pay for a wandering merchant to ask a ferrorabbit rancher about the animal, even if it would take time to get back to her, or maybe she could hire a local if they needed to go near one for some reason. The cost didn’t matter to her as long as it happened.
But there was something else bothering her about the idea of selling the stone. She had travelled so far with a tug in her chest, only for the feeling of wanderlust to dissipate as soon as she held it. Was that a sign? She was never one for things like ‘fate,’ but a niggling doubt in her mind discouraged the idea of making a profit off her discovery. Even if what she could gain was so very tempting, and even if Hoppit would be happier if she did…
She tore her dampened eyes away and closed them, ignoring the burning trails running across her face. It would be another early morning, and she needed to sleep so she could take care of the garden. Decisions like this could wait. Once she had nothing else distracting her, and she had time to properly think about it, she would see how she felt about the stone.
Eventually, she dozed off with Hoppit pressed against her chest, and a longing in her heart.
Next
—
A/N: Patreon and Ko-fi will be 1 chap ahead this time around, and I've set it so everything from the lowest tier up can read the newest trashfire! Anything above that is sheer show of love. Hope you enjoyed!

Hi I just came across a novel, chosen by the moon novel by izabella W. Its on pay by chapter websites, I've opened and read a few chapters but I can't seem to find any free version or chapter version anywhere. Please help. If anyone has read it I'm willing to take spoilers. Here's the advert I found below of it on Facebook.
Lycanthrope species is a disgusting race. And I, Delan Riley, am nothing more than a human scum in their eyes never expected those species would turn my world upside down. Since when the lycans managed to penetrate our town, like in the early 1900's we have a hierarchy, upper class = the lycans, middle class = mated humans, and lower class = the normal humans, who were basically considered scum. I endured their torment day after day, vowing to run away from them one day, until that day came and everything changed.
Dylan POV "Humans," I scowled at the principal's words from tannoy. "The Alpha twins will be celebrating their birthday tomorrow, as such, festivities are in order." Oh great, the Alphas twin children. Adrian and Arya are the worst lycans alive. I swear just because they are the alphas kids they literally get away with everything. If their birthday is tomorrow, then the wolves are going to be worse than ever. "All students will be present to greet them, two lines will be made, with humans on the left and the lycanthrope on the right. Any mated human will be at the front of the line for their year, you will all also be in order of your school year. That is all." Chat broke out the minute the tannoy was finished. "We haven't had a school gathering since the alpha king visited three years ago, before his sons coronation." Nick was right, the last time we all gathered like that was for the king and queens visit, when he decided to let the world know that he was to renounce his title to his only child, son Josh. "That sick bestard, he wants to make sure everyone is there so those idiot twins can find their mates." Yes I was mad, my fists connected with the table in front of me once more as I thought about how disgusting the situation was. You see the twins will be turning 17, so it's very possible someone in our school could be their mate, finding a mate is sacred to a wolf, the minute they say that one word your fate is sealed. They will turn your mind, morph you into being a lover of their kind, and then you'll give in.

That won't happen to me, I'm growing old to see the world as it once was, and I'm going to choose who I'll be with. No one will take that dream away from me.

Once dinner was finished, I just wanted to sleep. I'd had a very long tiring day, I quickly sat down on a small stool my mother kept in the storage closet and removed my shirt while my brother Freddy sat at the table to do his simple homework. It wasn't long before my mother came in with a large bowl of warm salt water and some cotton, this was going to sting I just knew it. She was here to help me with the wounds caused by wolves yesterday. She slowly began to unwrap the bandage from around my torso and slowed down drastically when it came to the final layer, I felt it peel off every wound and my fists clenched in pain. "Jesus!" I heard my mom exclaim once the dressing was completely removed. The air on my back was nice though and I sighed as my arm covered my once again exposed brests. "This is more than 15!" I began to hear sniffles coming from her and sighed turning round to look at her face, only to notice tears streaming down it. "Mom I'm fine, it's alright." She shook her head. "It's not alright, I'm your mother I shouldn't let these things happen. I'm so sorry. Your father would have..." here she goes again. Every single time something happened she'd always bring up dad, it really annoyed me because no matter how much we all wish he was here, he just isn't. My father was kiled by THEIR kind, almost 5 years ago when they actually managed to take over. When the lycans managed to penetrate our town my father rose up with some people from the neighborhood, to defend our livelihood, it was futile to say the least. We lost many people and I watched as my dad was ripped apart by two fully shifted wolves, I ended up shoting him to stop his suffering before they dragged me to the courtyard, i was the person to receive the first lashing of the town when I was 12! The wolves have been pretty strict with me since that day. "Stop being stvpid!" Was I harsh? Definitely! Did she need to hear it again, absolutely. "Dad is dead, we don't know what he'd do because he never knew this life. He never knew this world." I know what he'd have done, most likely attacked the guy who held the whip and got himself kiled in the process. "The best thing you can do for me, is stop crying and help me, next time don't insist on helping if you can't handle it." She began to wash my open wounds with the warm salt water causing loud winces to leave me, I knew it was necessary to prevent infection, but my god it hurt like a betch. "Some of these are really deep Dylan!" She sniffed again and my eyes rolled in my head. "I told you, I'm fine, just wrap me back up so I can get to bed." My mom was obviously more impacted by my injuries than I was, I suppose that always the case though. When it's happening to you, you've just got to get through it but when it's happening to someone you love, you just want to take their pain away. She quickly placed a fresh bandage around my waist and chest and wrapped it tightly for compression. The bowl of water that was used was now red in color, I guess from the blood my back was dripping with. "Can you keep your head down please? At least just this week. You can't take any more lashings." I simply nodded before standing up away from the stool, I walked over to Freddie and ruffled his hair in affection. "Good night squirt." He giggled and fixed his hair slightly. "Night Dilly." I smiled walking upstairs to my little bedroom, as soon as I was inside i shut the door and flopped down on to my bed on my stomach and I took a minute to cry to myself at the pain in my back, what my mom did was important but it hurt, not that I'd ever tell her. My hand covered my mouth quickly to muffle any noise I might be making. I couldn't tell anyone, I had to be strong because more and more people were crumpling these days, and my mom would break if she knew how much I was suffering. Sleep followed me shortly after, she was right though about me needing to keep my head down for the time being, I could not take another lashing! After a long night and an even longer morning, we were all finally stood in the hallway at school waiting for the twins to arrive. "Mine!" Everyone that was stood in the hallway tensed up, as we were seniors, me and Nick were stood towards the very back of the human line. All the mated people were situated directly opposite their wolf mates in their years. We stayed silent and still as Arya walked down the hall and stopped directly in front of Nick. His eyes widened in fear, unsure of wether to look up or keep his head lowered. "Look me in the eye, mate." He glanced at me slightly as if asking what he should do. "I said, look me in the eye." He slowly moved his eye line up to look at her face. I took a glance myself to see her eyes pitch black with lust. "I... can't... I mean... erm." Before he was able to mutter anything else, two wolves from opposite, grabbed him out of the line and dragged him behind Arya. "Hey!" My head shot up before I could stop myself. My mouth also forgot its place as I jumped out of line. Everyone's head shot to me as my eyes widened in realization at what I'd done. Adrian, the other twin, walked up to me before punching me right in the stomach, I doubled over instantly. Feeling the sting in my slightly healed back. "I know you... You were publicly flogged only two days ago." God I hate this guy. "I also have it on good authority, that you openly spoke out against our rules and regulations in yesterday's class." My head shot down the line slightly to see Erin, looking a little frightened, her mate, the beta to be was looking at her, nodding his head in reassurance. "You traitor, you grassed on your own kind?" I yelled at her before feeling a fist connect with my cheek. My head whipped to the side from the force, while my class members gasped. I'm so done with this treatment, right then, I wasn't in charge of my actions. My fists curled up and my stance became a lot more defensive. My head snapped up to the alpha to be, and I looked him in the eye. "You don't know the meaning of the word disrespect." I suddenly hurled my fist towards his head, which he easily dodged, but my foot came up and kicked him instead. He stumbled backwards from the force with wide eyes. "You... you Actually hit me!" He didn't even sound annoyed, more shocked. Everyone in the hallway was watching, waiting for the alpha to do something but instead he simply stood up straight, regaining his composure. "I think everyone should get back to class." He began to walk away, following his sister when I called him back. "What about Nick?!" "Simple, He's my sisters mate. He now belongs to her." Argh, he's not an object. "He's not her property." A chuckle left his mouth, before turning his back to me again. "All humans are property." A short while later everyone made it to science class, our teacher Mrs Mathews is mated to the lycans pack doctor, she also now has a four and two year old with him. She was one of the first humans to be cohered into a false relationship. "What were you thinking young lady?" I rolled my head at her before looking at the empty seat next to mine. Nick was with that stvpid wolf girl right now. Being changed, I'm so angry it's ridiculous. "I was thinking, this guy is being a prick. Did you hear him? 'All humans are property.' It's bull shet." I looked up and the whole class looked at me like I had three heads. Talking shet about wolves is one thing, but talking about an alpha is punishable by death, attacking an alpha is an even worse offense. There was then a knock at the door and in walked Erin and her band of mated bestards. "Sorry we're late Mrs." "Erin, how are things between you and bata Monroe?" She blushed, the traitor actually blushed at the mention of his name. "He spoke to me last night about trying for a baby. We need a good strong boy to take over as beta." I scoffed looking at her as she took her seat. "You guys are actually pathetic, why can't it be a girl? Those mutts are basically Neanderthals" I voiced my opinion and saw all the shocked faces around me. Calling the lycans mutts, is the same as them calling us scum. After lesson had ended the entire school was called into the hall for assembly. This is where any human who has been found to have broken the rules were punished, usually 10 lashings were goven out or something similar. "Welcome to the school assembly, congratulations to the alpha twins for finding both your mates. Now on to the business at hand, as the 5 year anniversary of the new world is coming up, we have been informed that the alpha king will be visiting our district next week, this is very exciting news. We want you all to look your absolute best, she wolves and mated females will wear exemplary dresses made by seamstress. Male wolves and mated men will wear tailored suits. Anyone who doesn't comply will be reprimanded." The Alpha King?! No one has met him yet, he took over the throne three years ago when he turned 18. He really didn't make any appearances though, great, this month is going to be a nightmare. "As for the humans, you will be given a new uniform to wear for the visit, these are to be neatly ironed and worn to the highest standard. As for the following humans, based on your attitude this past week, you will be coming to the front and facing punishment. Tony summerset?!" Tony's head shot up as he looked around, he was in the year below but he shared my views when it came to the lycans. He slowly walked up to the front of assembly, almost instantly his top was t0rn in two and he received 10 lashings. A girl named Kara was next and she too received 10 lashings. A few more people went up slowly accepting their fate then suddenly my name was called. "Dylan Riley." Inside I was terrified but I simply shrugged my shoulders, I guess I did kind of expect this. Although I'm not sure if my back can take any more damage. "You attacked an alpha, correct!" His eyes bored into mine as I bowed my head submitting to his authority. "Technically, no." Everyone in the school gym looked on in fear, as my head moved to the front row of the wolf side. Adrian sat, with a werewolf girl in the year below, her name was Jana, I guess he found his mate. Nick and Arya were no where to be seen though. Adrian gave me a shrug as if to say he didn't tell, before smirking at my comment. "He hasn't officially taken the alpha title yet, so he's just..." i looked at the principle and noticed his eyes black and his claws out, he was in what lycans call a half shift, triggered when the subject has become angered. He turned to two security wolves and gave them a nod, Almost immediately i was forced onto my knees, my arm was slammed on a table and held in place by one wolf, while my body was held in place by the other. "Ok, I don't think this is needed, I have alpha blood, a stvpid human girl can't hurt me." My head snapped to Adrian who had stood up in front of the school to stop what was happening. "Nevertheless, humans need to know their place." With that the pressure on my arm increased as our principals hand pulled my sleeve up before a long claw punctured my skin. The searing pain shoting from the fresh wound had my eyes scrunched and my fist clenched, I bit the inside of my cheek hard instantly tasting blood, however no sound left my mouth. He continued to write, using my skin as a canvas and his claws as a marker, it went on forever, my vision blurred slightly at one point as I turned my head away. After minutes of torture, he was done and the pressure on my arm eased, instantly I snatched my arm away, hissing through my teeth at the pain. I was about to scurry off stage, when I was roughly grabbed yet again, my arm being held in the air by the principal while my feet were inches off the floor, blood dripped from the wound and the pattern he had made was on show for everyone to see. Loads of people gasped, even the wolves looked slightly horrified at what had happened. "This is what happens when a human decides to speak out. I can promise, anyone who so much as says one word about our way of life, will have the same punishment." My arm was starting to seriously ache from being held in the air for so long, and the lack of blood flow to my suspended arm was causing me pins and needles, still I refused to make a sound. I held the tears back and I bit my cheek harder causing more blood to fill my mouth. "That's enough Bradley!" Adrian growled, he was still stood up and looking at the scene in front of him. His eyes hard as he stared at the principal a low warning growl erupted from his chest which had the head teacher gulping, he quickly let go of my arm causing me to crash to the floor. A small cry left my mouth as I hit the hard floor. Immediately I scrambled away, my foot just missed the high step leading to the stage and I fell, waiting for the impact of the ground, but it never came. Two strong arms wrapped around me catching my weak body causing me to look up, my eyes widened as I noticed Adrian had caught my falling form. "This isn't part of the human punishment program!" Adrian growled causing me to tense in his grip, I pushed him away from me before fixing my uniform top. The room was deadly silent, taking in the scene in front of them, while I stole a glance at my forearm. Carved into my skin by his devastating claws were two words, words that would most definitely scar my body for life. 'Human scum' "Lessons must be learned, she received lashing merely two days ago, and clearly it had no effect on her." Another growl left Adrian's chest as he stepped on to the stage, I wasn't bothered though, you would think I'd be ashamed but I simply smiled slightly. I fixed my sleeve a little so it wouldn't rub on the fresh wound before speaking. "It doesn't matter," the whole room looked at me shocked by my attitude. "I would rather be labeled human scum, than have any resemblance to your kind. I'm proud of what I am, how many of you can say that?" After my amazing little speech, I walked right down the middle between the humans and lycans and out the door. No more compliance, I'm going to get away with as much as I can without getting into too much bother. There will come a day when the lycans power will fizzle out. When it does I'll be ready, I'll be waiting for the day we take our world back. As for the best part about my plan...

No one can stop me.

"Ouch, not so hard." I seethed as the school nurse cleaned my new wound with antiseptic. "If you had of just kept your mouth shut, this wouldn't have happened." I turned to my right looking out the window at the few clouds that were floating in the blue sky. "Like I said, I'm proud to be human, and now everyone knows what I am." I clenched my fist together as the nurse began wrapping a bandage around my forearm. It had been a good few hours since the incident in the hall, and I had been forced to come to the nurces office after I had tried to clean my wound by splashing it with water from the tap, it also refused to stop bleeding. "You are impossible. Can you please just try and stay out of trouble? For one day, that's all I ask." Our school nurse is a wolf, she's one of them. However she hates the way they treat us mere humans, she thinks we should all just live in peace with equal rights. Like that would ever happen. "All I've done is stay out of trouble, but you are just going to humiliate me anyway, so what's the actual point?" "The pack were discussing a public execution, Dylan. You need to walk on egg shells from now on, not just for you but for your family as well." No ones been publicly executed in over 4 months, I'm flattered they're considering it. They only execute people who they believe are the biggest problems to society. "Well then... I'm flattered." I chuckled, before looking at the patch job. 'Huh, not too shabby.' I quickly stood up from the human nursing station and pulled the sleeve of my shirt down covering the evidence of ever being hurt. "This is serious!" I just gave her a blank look before leaving the room. On the way out I heard her call back to me. "Please just think about it." I gave a clipped nod as I walked away wondering how I'm going to tell my mom about this. Later in the evening... "Dilly why you say that?" Freddie looked up at me with a mouth full of bread. "Don't speak with your mouthful!" My mom scolded him as a bashful blush made its way to his cheeks. "Sowwy mommy." His reply was muffled as he swallowed the last chunk of food. "I said it Freddie, because it's the truth. The wolf race are a pathetic excuse for..." my mom cut me off with an extremely stern look. "Dylan! They have ears everywhere, one more word out of you and it's your room." I scowled, my hatred for the Lycan kind growing stronger as each day passes. "What more can they do to me, lash me? Beat me? Brand me? They've ran out of options." I stated slamming my hands down, then severely regretting it as sharp pain shot though my wound. "What was that?" My head shot to regard my mothers worried expression. Her eyebrows were raised and her eyes were dull and judging as she looked at me. "Nothing, it was nothing." I quickly took my plate in my hand and began to walk to the kitchen. "I'm not really hungry, and I have homework to do!" My mom caught hold of my forearm causing me to drop my plate suddenly, I watched it slowly fall before shattering on the floor. I retracted my arm quickly and turned to Freddie. "Stay there and don't move until it's cleaned up ok sport?" He just nodded with wide eyes, I turned back to my mom and noticed her curious stare on my arm. Her grip shifted to the other side as she turned it around before pulling my sleeve up. The bandage was showing and a bit of blood was seeping though after the wound had been disturbed. "What the hel happened?" My moms eyes widened as she began to fumble with the bandage. Before she could unravel any of it I snatched my arm away. "I had an accident at school. No big." I began to gather the large pieces of the broken plate up ready to put them in the bin. "What did you do Dylan?" She looked at me with pure worry and only then did I realize what the wound must look like to someone who didn't know. "For gods sake! I didn't do it to myself! I got publicly punished at the assembly alright? It's no big deal." Her face dropped instantly and she stepped towards me, causing me to step backwards. "Mom, I'm ok. So back off will you." "What did you do? I've never known them to cut someone's arm as a punishment." Her shock and accusation was evident in her voice and I sighed heavily. "I spoke against the alphas son." I may have hit him too, but I wasn't going to divulge that part to her. "It's not one big cut, mom, it's a brand, 'human scum' carved onto my arm." "They've branded you now too?!" My eyes rolled at her hurt tone as I went to get the dustpan and brush. "You're so much like your father." A sigh left her mouth as she spoke, running a hand through her hair, while I quickly swept up the little pieces of the broken plate. "You've had a new uniform delivered. It's laid out on your bed. Dylan, Please just try and stay respectful in the future, I don't want my daughter to be completely mutilated. Although you're not far off." "Gee, Thanks." I then walked over to my little brother Freddy before blowing a kiss into his neck and hearing him giggle. "So sport, how's school going?" "It's ok." He shrugged before going back to coloring a dinosaur picture in. "Well that's good, stay out of trouble, ok little man?" Heading upstairs and into my room, my thoughts wandered to the permanent graffiti scar very slowly healing on my arm. Disgusting beasts. Think they own the world because they're faster, stronger and can shift. Pah. If you ask me they are not all that.

The second I walked into my room my mouth dropped open. On my bed was some grey pants laid out neatly, which wasn't the surprising part, no, what shocked me was the grey high neck no sleeved button down shirt, every single set of uniform had sleeves except this one. They've done this on purpose those, mutts. They want the world to see my arm and know what a disgusting creature I am. They want the world to know that I, Dylan Riley, am nothing more than 'human scum'.

During the last week, I've been horrible, in class I've been loud in voicing my views, I've insulted at least everyone to some degree, I didn't care about the consequences, and I certainly didn't think about them. I haven't seen Nick at all since he was claimed, and to make matters worse today was the royal visit. Oh yes, werewolves and mated humans alike were spending every waking minute preparing themselves to meet his royal majesty, king of the wolves. Unclaimed Humans however would rather stick pins in their eyes. "Dylan, get down now... you're going to be late." She was right, I was dawdling this morning, I really couldn't be bothered today, I gave myself one last look in the small mirror and sighed when my eyes met my newly uncovered brand. It had bad bruising around the letters, and was still extremely tender to touch, it was definitely healing now though. I made my way down the stairs and came face to face with my mother who was seeing to Freddie, she was helping my brother get his coat on when she turned to me. "You ready sport?" Freddie nodded his little head at me and smiled while I quickly slid my shoes on. "Just Remember, the alpha is bad enough, Dylan, please, please don't do anything to anger the king." My mother stopped us from walking out the door to tell me something she had been telling me continuously for the last couple of days, it was almost as if the entire human population of our district was expecting me to do something stvpid. "Try and have a good day." I rolled my eyes but nodded, even I know not to push the king, he could kil me in the hallway like it was nothing. In fact I plan on staying out of his way for the entirety of the day. "We will see you tonight mom." I stated before me and my brother began our walk to school, his little hand clutched my own tightly as we went. Usually Nick would be with us, as he lives next door, well he used to, now he's residing in the main pack house. I quickly dropped Freddie off at his school and watched him get the wolfsbane neutralizer before walking into him building giving me a small wave before he went in. With my new scar on complete show, and my figure being complimented by the skin tight shirt I was wearing, I sauntered down the street to school, I gave my name and year in and took the wolf's bane neutralizer injection with no problems at all. It was finally getting into school that the problem occurred. Walking through the halls I was met by many looks, some of pity some of disgust. You see every single non mated human in the school was wearing a long sleeved version of the uniform I was given. All the Wolves and mated couples were scattered around in fancy floor length dresses or tailored suits. As I turned the corner I noticed a couple, now this couple happened to catch my eye the most out of all of them because it consisted of Arya and Nick, eating each other's faces off. "What the hel!" Nicks head shot to me as his eyes widened. He too was dressed in a tailored suit, a navy blue tie hung on his neck to match Aryas dress. Why was this happening all the time? It's always my friends that get completely brain washed. I shook my head in disbelief before turning my back on him. I heard his fast footsteps behind me as I rounded the corner. "Dylan?!" He ran right in front of me, stopping me in my tracks, making me drop my bag off my shoulder and almost causing me to bump into him. "Let me just explain..." "Has she marked you?" I mean you could almost see it in his eyes, she had marked him, and knowing the way life goes he's probably even mated with her. "Actually... Don't even answer that." I aggressively picked my bag up off of the floor and stormed off down the hall. "Dylan, just listen to me, Erin was right, it's so hard to resist your soulmate, and Arya is actually ok once you get to know her." I just kept walking, he caught up to me walking beside me but it didn't matter, I completely ignored everything and everyone. 'I'm so not in the mood today' getting into class was good though, I said hello to Mr Foley and took my usual seat. Nick sighed then took his bag off ready to sit next to me, but I snapped before he had the chance. "Traitors and mated idiots sit on that side of the room." I didn't look him in the eye as I pointed to a seat right at the front of the classroom on the opposite side. His eyes widened as he turned his attention back to me. "You can't be serious Dylan." I gave him a blank look before grabbing my book out of my backpack, I placed it on the desk then began to write the date on the top line. "I've sat in this seat for as long as I can remember." I ignored him, his voice sounded sad and shocked. "Dylan? Wait! What is that?!" Before I could react Nick had grabbed hold of my branded arm and turned it to see the letters. "Oh my God! What happened?" I snatched my arm away from him and shrugged as I continued to write in my book before grabbing my water bottle out of my bag. "The principal happened, it was my punishment for speaking out against Adrian and Arya. I wear it with pride." He just held a complete look of disbelief. "You spoke out against them?" I shrugged, what did he think I'd do. "It's no secret that I despise this stvpid new world and the mutts that control it. You were my friend, I wasn't going to let them just take you without saying something, although that is exactly what you seem to have done. Enjoy the view from your new seat!" "Don't be like that, Dylan, I'm your best friend, I'm sorry about your arm, but..." my eyes rolled inside my head at my friends words. "Anything with the word 'but' in, isn't an apology, it's a rationalization." I took a drink of water from my bottle and kept my eyes facing forward, ignoring his every attempt to try and talk to me. "Dylan?.. Dylan?... Do you know what? Erin is right, if you push us all away you won't have any friends left." He huffed before walking over to the empty seat and sitting down, I could feel him glancing up at me every now and again but I didn't respond. "Good morning class, please settle down." He looked at me then at Nick and frowned, we've never sat apart, we were friends before the new world even began. I just shook my head telling him to forget it. "So... as you know the king will be arriving in a short while, but until then lessons will go on as normal." Its funny seeing teachers in the same uniform your wearing, mr Foley and his wife are the coolest. Human teachers and doctors only have slightly more respect than we do. Because of Mr Foley's status him and his wife have better access to food and drink, Mrs Foley is cool, sometimes she even makes sure mr Foley brings some in for me. Ya know, coz I'm their favorite student. It's not in a weird way, it's just they were friends of the family before the new wold took effect. Mr Foley and my dad were buddies from high school, so it goes without sayin really. "All the mated humans will be at the front of each years line again, after that you will all be placed in status, Nick, as your mated to Alpha Arya, you'll be at the front of your line. Dylan as you have been branded..." his voice trailed off as he looked at me. "Yeah yeah, I'll be at the back of the line behind everyone. I get it." I huffed, moving my sight towards the window once more. "I am sorry." I turned to face Mr Foley again, he looked genuinely upset and that look of pity wasn't something I wanted to see. I gave him a clipped nod then turned away again. "Anyway, on to the subject matter, 'Of Mice and Men, page 64, Nick why don't you start us off with the reading."

"Of course sir." Nick began reading the book but I switched off, today is going to be a long day. After almost an hour and a half of reading comprehension, the bell chimed signaling lunch. I shot up and out of the classroom before anyone could say anything. Today, I was avoiding drama like the plague.

I wandered the corridors straight to the lunch hall. All the people I would normally hang out with we're all mated so I grabbed my lunch quickly, and sat down at the end of the human table. Let me lay the lunch hall out for you. On one side of the room you have two long rows of tables, with simple benches that make it look like prison, on the other side of the room you have multiple round tables with fancy chairs. Yup you get it. The humans sit at the prison tables and the wolves and traitors sit on the fancy tables, they get fancy food, fancy drink and most importantly they get pudding. what I would give to have some pudding. "Dylan can we just talk?" Nick quickly took the spot next to me as he set his lunch tray down. I looked at his food which had been placed on a ceramic, circular white plate. God that looked good. I sighed knowing he was going to talk anyway. "Fine, you have two minutes." I used my fork to take a bit of pasta off his plate and shoved it into my mouth. God that was good. "After I left school, I was taken to the pack house with Arya, and I really got to know her. It took a few days for me to finally accept being with her, but ever since life has been ok, and the sax... well that's a whole other story." Eww, I didn't need that mental image in my head. "I'm glad your happy." I stated before deciding I had no appetite. His face held shock before he sighed in relief. "That means a lot Dylan, I mean you know that your opinion matters to me." I cut him off before he could say anything else. "I said I was glad your happy. I didn't say I approved of what you've done. You've basically turned into one of THEM, I can't ever forgive you for that." He looked hurt, but I couldn't care less about his feelings. He placed his hand gently on my arm and went to open his mouth when a growl sounded out. All heads whipped to where it came from, Arya was stood holding a glass of soda and a plate, she was looking right at me and Nick and I would totally be dead if looks could kil. Nick quickly retracted his hand, his whole face fell and you could see sorrow flood his irises. "You sit with me now, get away from that, that... scum!" Wow, Nick was such a lucky guy. NOT. "You heard her. Get away from me, go sit with your new friends. I'm happy for you, and I understand where your coming from, but don't come up to me again and pretend you didn't betray your own kind. Don't pretend you didn't betray me." I shoved a little bit of food into my mouth before standing up and walking out of the cafeteria, leaving my tray on the table. I was walking through the hallway to the classroom, you see I decided to spend lunch with Mr Foley in his room, when I happened to hear voices in the corridor. "Is it wise for her to actually be present when the king arrives? Surely she could be placed in the dungeons, it might actually teach her some respect?" My principal was speaking to the alpha of our district, huh, if I stayed and listened do you think they'd notice, maybe they could smell me?! "Everyone is to be present, if the Riley girl does one thing out of line she will be dealt with severely, child or not. That girl has been a blight to the district since day one, she's dangerous, if she puts one hair out of place I will personally break her into submission." Oh shet, they were talking about me specifically, and they mentioned the dungeon, that's not been used in months. Normally I would have listened in more but something about the entire situation didn't sit right with me, all of a sudden, I was on edge, and simply wasn't interested in the slightest in hearing how my misery was to be enhanced. I backed up slightly before turning around and bumping head first into one of the hottest man I had ever seen. I lost my balance immediately and fell straight on to the floor letting out a small grumble in the process. His eyebrows knitted together quickly and his breath hitched in his throat as he looked upon my fallen state and gasped. "Mate!" He whispered, his eyes fixated on mine. Now, I had seen and heard that many times to know what that means, I gasped before taking a step back. 'No, no, no, no, no. This can not be happening.' He growled slightly before stepping towards me. Oh Shet!

Just venting here, don’t mind little ol’ me.
I’m trying SO HARD to be positive and look on the bright side of things. But I’ve come to realise it’s not MY reaction to things that makes things positive or negative.
I’m at an event with the older kid. Won’t be done until 10pm.
Before I left I ordered Doordash for husband and Youngest, because god forbid my husband have to throw some nuggets in the oven all by himself. He’s been sick and needs to recover! He needs to sit his arse on the couch and scroll Facebook! Duh!
Husband had a swollen chin (he scratched it in his sleep). I’m at kids event and he sends me photos. I text back saying it’s gotten worse. Then I ask how Youngest is.
Husband texts asking why I’m not asking about his chin.
I known where this is heading and call him and jokingly say “What are you complaining about now?”
But he had the phone on speaker and yelled that I’m a bad parent because Youngest heard me say that. Then he hung up.
He’s now refusing to speak to me.
Am I going FUCKING insane???
Is a GROWN MAN really upset and refusing to talk to me over this?
It’s okay, I know it’s not just about ‘this’. He’s in a shitty mood anyway and is taking it out on me. And now he will proceed to ignore me for a few days and then I will get a talk about hurting his feelings and asking me if I truely love him. Not as much as you love yourself, my dude.
This man would be HELL to co-parent with. Pure hell. And he would be pure hell for the kids. Especially my sweet, gentle Youngest. At least now with me around, the guy is so self-involved he has minimal interactions with the kids. Yesterday he was ‘so ill’ he went from work to bed and didnt even say hi to the kids. Didn’t even ask after them.
I’m already kicking myself for not bringing Youngest with me. Sure, he might be bored spending four hours in the car, but it’s better then being stuck with a Man-Baby who has already put himself to bed and is making Youngest watch Netflix on the phone next to him, even though he was happily playing Legos.
I’m trying SO hard to Grey Rock. But it’s so fucking hard to watch everything I say.
Screaming into the Void. Or the Vacuum.

Hey furries, u/The-Woop hasn't made one of these in a little bit. I've always liked these posts so I thought that I'd help him out again by taking over until he gets back.
Happy pride month everyone!
Users have sometimes stated that it is difficult to express their sorrows or misfortunes on this sub because they do not want to feel burdensome or unwelcome in what is normally a very happy-go-lucky environment. And so, this thread is to encourage furs to open up with their issues, not only on here but on the sub as a whole. If grief has been on your mind or something has been bothering you as of late, big or small, please leave a comment for myself and others to see if we can be of any help, or at least lend a sympathetic ear.
Alternatively, if you feel pretty nice about yourself today, don't be afraid to browse any existing comments and see if you can make somebody's day a little better. Maybe you have experience with what that person might be dealing with. Or perhaps you just want to let them know that they have a person to talk to. However, there are the principles that should be considered:
1:If you are responding to a comment do your best to be as thorough and insightful as possible. Do not just comment and forget about the other person afterward. While little pick-me-ups can help, do your best to be there for the other person. Encourage discussion and do not be afraid to have more in depth conversations. The comment section is always fine, but if either of you feel that you must talk in a more private setting, do not be afraid to use something such as PM, or a different instant messaging service.
2: I am aware that unfortunately, misfortune does not have a curfew. This thread is not in any way meant to contain negative emotion on the sub, but is meant to be a convenient place for others to open up and find somebody to talk to. If you experience strife at any other time during the week, do not feel like you must wait until Saturday to state it. Please feel free to make your own post.
3:This thread is not meant to replace professional help. If you feel that you could have depression or any other similar psychological condition, you are still invited to post, but it is highly recommended that you seek a form of professional help as well as look into the resources below.
4: Suffering is not a competition. Do not feel like your issues are too slight, or insignificant to post. You are invited to express your problems no matter their scale. Your sadness is just as valid as any others.
5:If you are not looking for advice and would just like to receive emotional support or simply get something off of your chest, you are more than welcome to state so. After all, a shoulder to lean can be a great remedy.
Last but certainly not least, here are a list of resources that anyone can contact. Please do not hesitate to use them if you feel the need. It is better to call and it not be worth it, than to not call and forgo the help you deserve.
International Suicide Prevention Hotlines
National Suicide Prevention Hotline (USA): 1800 273 8255
Distress Centre (Canada): 416 408 4357
UK The Samaritans or 08457 90 90 90
Samaritans (Ireland): 1850 60 90 90
Lifeline (Australia): 13 11 14
Lifeline (New Zealand): 0800 543 354
Greece KLIMAKA Center for Suicide Prevention or 101
Japan TELL Tokyo Lifeline in English/Japanese or 03-5774-099
Spain Teléfono de la Esperanza or 902500002 2
Chile Teléfono de la Esperanza or (00 56 42) 22 12 00
Germany Telefonseelsorge or 0800 111 0 111 (or 222)
Brazil CVV or 141 France S.O.S Amitié International Association for Suicide Prevention
More numbers - http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide- hotlines.html
Trans Lifeline
Trans Lifeline - translifeline.org
UK Support - http://www.allabouttrans.org.uk/support-organisations/
LGBT Resources
The Trevor Project 24 hour hotline - 866-488-7386
Website - http://www.thetrevorproject.org
Twitter - u/thetrevorproject.org
Addiction Resources
Alcoholic Anonymous - http://www.aa.org
Narcotics Anonymous - http://na.org National
Eating Disorders
Eating Disorders Association's toll-free hotline (Mon–Fri, 8:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. PST) - 1-800-931-2237
Crisis Chat
In the United States Chat anonymously with an Active Listener: http://www.7cups.com
Self Harm
Alternatives for Stopping Self Abuse or 1–800-DONT-CUT (366–8288)
Rape and Sexual Abuse
Rape Abuse & Incest National Network or 800-656-HOPE (4673)
Finding a Professional
https://findtreatment.samhsa.gov
https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/mental-health-and-stigma/help-and-support
Feel free to comment with a link to where others can donate something to help you out. Also, unfortunatly, there seems to be no globe wide way to find food banks, but from what I can tell, Google Maps should give a good starting point to find your local ones.
And as always, if anyone has any ideas on how this thread could be improved upon or if the concept is in any way flawed, please do not hesitate to send u/The-Woop a PM.

Recently after i did my workout I decided to compare my progress today with my previous workout and my current workout was almost essentially the same with the previous and for some I did less reps than before. I don't know why I'm possibly getting weaker or staying stagnant. I have been using the ideal routine for about nearly a year and I've definetely made progress on some muscles and i feel I've made little to none progress. I'm not sure if its because my rest days aren't long enough, if I'm not eating enough or if I'm not working out intensely enough.
I'm 17 years old and weigh around 67kg, 5'7-5'8ish
My rest days
Following the ideal routine's recommendation, I take 4 days rest sometimes 5 or 6 depending if I'm busy and have something so I cant go to the gym
Diet
when it comes to diet I try to eat as much as possible but sometimes, actually quite a lot I struggle to eat enough for a calorie surplus. I'm not even sure if I am at a calorie surplus, I live in a very east Asian household and the foods I eat are Asian foods that are generally not high in calories, most of my calories generally comes from rice + some food with meats, or Asian foods such as shomai. Previously, I've tried to record my meals with MyFitnesspal by weighing my foods and putting it in to see how many calories I'm getting. But my parents don't like me doing that and keep telling me to "just eat enough" they don't like that I'm trying to bulk, especially my mum who worries a lot that I'll get fat and repeatedly keeps asking me "check if you have a double chin" ,"you're not going to have a jawline" and "you're going to get a belly." I admit sometimes just to get her to stop I will try to reduce my portions. They keep repeating to me that "you'll grow stronger eventually." but I don't feel like I'm growing stronger, when I compare my progress to my friends I see their lifts growing big, I only manage to lift around half their weights, looking at what I've accomplished really bums me out seeing that. It's really conflicting when my parents keep telling me I eat too much and I'm getting fat but when I'm with my friends who also lift they tell me I'm literally a skeleton and have made no changes to my body or basically I'm still skinny. Personally I think I'm more on the skinny side and am weak. I've tried explaining to my parents you need a calorie surplus to build muscle, but they don't listen and insist ill just build muscle by eating maintainence to caloric deficit amounts. They don't exactly like me and the gym because they believe I'll become shorter by going to the gym. Also they think me living a Western lifestyle will lead to me dying sooner in comparison to the Eastern Asian lifestyle. Should I try to go back to counting calories to ensure i'm getting enough calories?
calories
when calculating the amount of calories I think the amount needed for a small 200-300 calorie surplus would be around 2800 calories. This is because I walk to school and back for around 15 minutes to and back and I also do a bunch of walking at school, on my phone which calculates my steps I average around 8,000-10,000 steps and when I go to the gym i walk around 20 minutes to and back + taking the train and my steps easily reach 20,000.
Workout Intensity
I try as much to go as hard as I can, when doing my sets at the start I do 2 sets of warms up that progressively get close to my hardest lift. Then on the 3rd or 4th set I do my final set and push as hard as I can. Sometimes I doubt if I've given it my all so I do a drop set and reduce the weight by a little bit and keep going until I really can move the weight, Ill try and push the weight to move, at this point I usually am able to move the weight a little bit around 25-50% of a rep but am unable to finish this I try twice and then If I really can't I move on to the next exercise. After I finish my workout I feel like I could've done more but when I think about what I did I think I couldn't have done more. For example when I was doing my squats, It was quite intense where I was heavily breathing and took small pauses after every rep, when I finished my set I felt like I should've been able to do 2 or maybe 3 more reps, but I was feeling a tiny bit lightheaded and had to sit down. Whenever I'm leaving the gym this doubt plagues me. I noticed when doing my workouts my biggest problem is my hands/ fingers being unable to bear the weight, so when i'm doing my set my hands give up earlier than the actual muscles being targetted.
Here is my progress list:
WU - warmup
DS - drop set
ES - each side
The exercises used are at the top of the list and I shorten them
[ for example Smith Machine Incline Bench Press -> SMIBP ]
day 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1suLtXZIbPggtLJaFXHy_jH-VHXjr-uR8smVclBHV0X0/edit?usp=sharing
day 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1v-6HjZczwhEio2KMrKI0pLybNTYL6LNxiiLM9r6kg8c/edit?usp=sharing
day 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bp-RrkwjVOBC87b52KlhCcDjOY1axAmuoEe-Jp1vkwY/edit?usp=sharing
day 4: https://docs.google.com/document/d/10S1E0jVk7MXFHme-WHKorlLlGPTfVFgsqqZP_EWVqTI/edit?usp=sharing
here is my physique: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1MzzpQV6wH2l34iDaZosPZg7SIieeJWh8wNfTWiNMh24/edit?usp=sharing
sorry about me uploading my physique in google docs, i'm personally not very comfortable with showing my body on the internet
if you've made it this far, thank you so much for taking the time to read me essentially ranting about my lack of progress and any advice is appreciated :).

So far we've gotten HuntAThons and Invasions as season mechanics. Invasions is more of a hide and seek mechanic for a new monsters rather then just throwing him in the wild and you have to work to find him because his gear is buffed.
So besides those 2 mechanics we are still missing alot of possible things to get added into the game. So I'm gonna write some possible things to hope for.

1. Daily Arena Challenges.

Basically similar to Arena Challenges on the main games where they give us a daily monster to defeat with 5 predetermined, specific equipment sets. The goal is simple, be skilled enough to defeat the monster in the time limit to complete the daily Arena challenge and receive a reward. I was thinking maybe it could of been a leaderboard system to it, but I think that's too complicated for just 75 seconds, so I figured a reward for defeating it would be nice. Possible rewards could be, a meal voucher(turn in for potions), zenny, a rare material from the monster we defeat.

1. Zenny Shop

Pretty self explanatory, it's a shop where we can dump our newly gained zenny from materials we discard to gain powers. The shop could give things like buffs, or use of a flash bomb at the beginning of a hunt.
Buffs could work as per hunt or a duration like range boosters work. 15 min or 30 mins of demon drug/stamina buff.

1. Palico Farm

Pretty simple here, give certain materials to the farm and after a couple hours or day, the farm provides certain materials for use, most likely for consumables, cold or heat potions maybe?

1. Palico Hunt Buddy

Palico we can gear up and fight with while we give them instructions for combat style. They could distract or provide utilities.
This is what I'm waiting for and other than this, they will provide a new season mechanic every 3 months like usual.
Anything else?

Now I normally don’t get affected toooo badly by triggering TikTok’s because I’m usually good at putting things in perspective but this GAGGED me so hard. Warning for those easily affected by these things, this kind of sent me spiralling but after chatting to my friends about it I feel so much better.
So there’s this Irish TikToker who recently made a story time series about her ex who cheated on her a few years ago that’s after going really viral in Ireland. I watched it, it was juicy and entertaining and it didn’t make me worry about my own relationship or anything like that. After she finished the story time videos she made a follow up that was like “red flags from during the relationship” and this is where things got stressful.
She started describing how towards the end of lockdown/ during covid times she all of a sudden started getting this dreadful feeling that she had to break up with her boyfriend and that she didn’t love him any more even though she knew that wasn’t true. She said these thoughts stressed her out to the point where she was having breakdowns crying every day and this went on for weeks and weeks. She was so anxious she couldn’t eat and was losing weight and couldn’t function in her life because of these thoughts. Then, she went to the doctor and a therapist and was prescribed anti anxiety medication and the therapist told her it sounded like she was experiencing ocd.
But in the next breath this girl literally goes (im paraphrasing) “now that things have ended with my ex cheating on me I know that these feelings were 100% valid and that my gut was right telling me something was wrong the whole time.”
😨😨😨😨😨😨😨😨😨😨
I nearly couldn’t breathe, like what the fuck?? This girl was describing my EXACT experience with ocd down to the timing of when it all started happening, it was literally like hearing someone describe thoughts from my own brain, and then telling me that all of it was real and you have to listen to your gut?????? Hell nah!
And the COMMENTS were even worse, “when you know you know” “woman’s intuition” etc etc not a single person referencing the fact that this girl had been told by a therapist that this was ocd related.
I’m feeling better now because I know, practically, so many relationships end for various reasons- in fact, more relationships end than are successful. So having ROCD and the relationship ending aren’t necessarily correlated. Even in the case of this girl, she stressed the fact that the relationship was so “perfect” and enjoyable literally up until he cheated, I think a year after this anxiety started.
But yeah that was kind of a kick to the stomach yesterday lol. It was literally the absolute worst TikTok I could’ve seen while being tired and hungry after spending all day travelling. But regardless I don’t need to worry, just because one girl had ROCD and got cheated on a year later doesn’t mean the same thing will happen to me etc etc.

Hey everyone, so my ex broke up with me out of the blue over snap and I'm still trying to get over that, but there's another issue that's been really eating at me. Through the whole relationship he never mentioned any issues with the relationship and even admits he hid the truth from me and he blind sided me. The thing that's really eating at me is literally the last two weeks before he broke up with me he started to be a lot more sexual, telling me all the things he was going to do to me and wanted to do to me, saying how ready he was and good and sexy I make him feel, etc. And I had mentioned that I wanted to bring some lingerie over and would lay them all out and take a pic so he can decide. He replied "Aw I can't even get a peak? 🙈" meaning of me in it. Through the relationship I've told him how comfortable and safe he makes me, and how I had very intense sexual trauma from my childhood and that I really trusted him and he always said he was so appreciative and happy that I trusted him. He also knew that I'm a people pleaser and especially for my partner I really want to please them and make them happy. I wasn't hesitant to send him nudes or anything but I wasn't planning on it, after his comment though I decided to do it. Then the few days later he breaks up with me over snap. Thinking about it, I can't help but to feel used and like he just got some quick sexual kicks in before dumping me. So I wanted to send him this text cause he encouraged me to be honest and open about my feelings or have questions, etc.
"Also I just have to say that thinking about for a bit, I honestly feel used. You lied to me about all the things you were going to do to me and said all those sexual things to make me feel comfortable and safe, then encouraged me to send nudes by saying "I can't even have a peak? 🙈" when you know how much I was into you and that I trusted you. Just the fact that you said all of those things and got to see my nudes by encourging me, making me feel safe and comfortable and thought the intimacy would be reciprocated really hurt and made me feel shitty. I'm not saying I expected sex ever, but I feel like it was not a good thing to say all those sexual things to me and encourage me to send you nudes while the whole time you knew that you were lying and you knew you were going to break up with me within a few days. You could've steered us away from intimacy, you could've said you weren't ready, you could've not encouraged me to send nudes with a cheeky comment, so it honestly also makes me feel like you decided to use me for some sexual gratification really quick before dumping me. I'm just giving my honest thoughts and emotions and it's been stuck in my head."
So what I'm wondering is is this worth sending and talking about? We both want to remain friends and I still care about him very deeply. So I'm worried maybe this will make him upset or hurt or feel like I'm accusing him. But I also feel shitty with these thoughts lingering in my head.

4 doses of 2.5mg in and I’m throwing in the towel. This medication is not for me.
It has given me crazy appetite suppression to the point I can barely eat or drink. I try and drink but still feel constantly dehydrated. Last week I developed a UTI which after taking an antibiotic went into a kidney infection I am now on another antibiotic for. I feel uncomfortably full after very small amounts of liquid but I am trying to flush this out. I have had to take 4 days off work this week due to feeling so unwell which is unheard of for me . I do think this is Mounjaro related.
I can’t even enjoy a morning coffee, one of my favourite things as a few sips and I’m too full and the burping starts. I have had horrendous sulphur burps for the last week or 2.
My sleep has been shit and I have increased feelings of anxiety. I’m not saying this is a side effect of Mounjaro but most likely be from my poor body not knowing what the hell is happening from lack of proper nutrition. I have had not a smidgen of energy since week one where I couldn’t sleep but also felt totally wired during the day. My husband is worried about me. Hope I feel “normal” soon.
This is a wake up call for me. It’s not just weight, it’s well-being. I know this is not the case for everyone, I’m “just” in the obese category for my height and don’t have any health issues to speak off. I am a life long binge eater and have poor body image but feeling my health and well-being dip over the last 4 weeks has made me want to try addressing this in other ways. I have in the past. I’ve had counselling for my BED and have the intuitive eating book and workbook festering in a cupboard more or less untouched.
I also think it’s cemented for me there is no easy way to do this weight loss thing. I know there are people out there who frown on taking meds and think it’s a quick fix. It’s far from it. I’m sure the vast majority of those taking it have side effects to some extent and are “choosing their hard”.
Best of luck to everyone else on their journeys.

Hey y’all!
This is really long but I’m really struggling with what to do, and all of this is necessary to provide context. I checked out the trans allyship resources on this subreddit and didn’t find anything useful to this specific context. I really really need advice.
TW: transphobia
I (24tm) have a very close friend (32f) who is cisgender. I’ll call her A.
I was at a bar with A and someone came up to me and immediately tried to debate me and was saying really transphobic stuff and using the T slur. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried to explain to him that he was wrong but he kept talking over me. A didn’t say much during this conversation. I told him I was going to leave because he wasn’t listening, turned to walk out and A was a little behind me. He told her, “you know you guys can’t have babies, right?”
Yeah. Gross. So when talking about this after the fact, every time it was mentioned A belabored on how she wasn’t involved and she just can’t believe he said that to her. I just kind of thought this was annoying and let it go, until one night, when we were talking to her dad about this I said something about how that’s just what happens when you’re friends with trans people, you get caught in the crossfire. Later that night she explained to me that she wasn’t actually centering herself and it just made him more of an asshole that he said it to her, and I’m realizing now as I type this that the implication of that is that it would have been less bad if he had said it to me. I told her it’s annoying because she should have said something to him and defended me, and gotten involved to begin with. Her response was, verbatim, “I’m a cancer mars.” (For context, I believe in astrology and so does she. But. Really?) She then told me that he was being homophobic because I had said something to him about how I was gay and he thought I was a woman and that we were a couple, which is why he said that. I was like, nope, he was pretty explicitly being transphobic. And she then explained again how it wasn’t transphobia it was homophobia and doubled down that he thinks I’m a woman.
I got home to a text further explaining how she wasn’t centering herself by talking about that stuff, and I responded that I was actually bothered by her trying to tell me it was homophobic and not transphobic (she has never dated a woman and is married to a cis man). I also said something about how I didn’t have the emotional capacity for the argument because I was having some other issues with transphobia right before that (which she was aware of) that didn’t involve her. I think the words I said were about being surrounded by cis people. I also think I said something about how she always thinks she’s right. I know that’s not a great thing to say in conflict. But I did say that.
She started getting incredibly defensive around my language of saying cis people, and saying “oh what? I’m just like (insert other person I was in conflict with) now?” And telling me that her saying it was homophobia was just “her perception” and seemed to not understand why that was wrong. She also said I was “fucking on one recently” in regards to marginalization. I backed down and apologized for the cis thing. Honestly I don’t remember too much else of the conflict other than we were arguing for quite a while, and it ended with her and I both apologizing. The next day I re read everything and texted her that I wasn’t happy with the argument. She said “yeah I’m not happy either.” I sent a paragraph about how I don’t know how to proceed and this could change how safe I feel around her, and how I don’t know what to do because she proved by getting defensive and doubling down that I can’t express things like this to her or expect her to defend me in any real capacity. a couple hours later sent me a long text, basically saying that I was (verbatim) “just trying to get my pound of flesh” because she had already apologized. Also some stuff about how I apparently had pointed out her privilege too many times recently (that’s probably true, I thought I was being funny though and didn’t realize I was being annoying) and essentially said that she “crossed a boundary (she) didn’t know existed” by trying to tell me it was homophobia and that some random stranger thought I was a woman. Honestly? I kind of just lost faith that she was going to be rational so I backed down.
That really bothered me for a while. I was going to email the bar to tell them about the transphobic guy, because he had a music show scheduled for the following week and I wanted them to drop him. She asked me at one point if I had sent the email, I said no and explained it was because the whole thing was too much for me, and she offered to send it. She wrote something, I added a couple things, she sent it, the bar dropped him. She sent this in her family group message that I’m in and everyone was congratulating her and saying they were proud of her. That was super triggering because after she was so explicitly transphobic to me I felt really annoyed at watching everyone eat her ass over sending an email. During this conversation, her kid (10nb) sent a voice memo “explaining the situation” and basically just recapped that someone was transphobic to me, and said that I was going to send the email but didn’t because I was “lazy” so their mom sent it. I texted A to say, hey, I probably want to have a conversation with your kid at some point about why they shouldn’t call marginalized people lazy when they don’t stick up for themselves. She explained that she didn’t know where they got that verbiage from. I told her that it wasn’t a big deal, reiterated multiple times (in very explicit wording) that they did nothing wrong, but I was frustrated because I had conflict with A which made me unable to deal with the transphobia and then her kid calls me lazy because of, essentially, what A did.
A texted me an hour or so later telling me that I was “putting my emotions on her to handle” and I “should pick my battles with more discernment” because I was “triggered from our conflict” that happened the previous week. She said I need to “process my emotions longer” before I come to her. She also listed off some things she was dealing with and said she was pissed off that she even had to be frustrated with me. It was a long conversation where I asked if she was okay because her extreme emotional reactions are out of character and she said she was okay. I ended up disingenuously backing down and apologizing and said I knew I was triggered and I explained exactly that, she basically said that I’m “not the only one the conflict was hard for” the implication I gathered is that I shouldn’t bring it up to her, I guess.
Tonight I was with her and someone got aggressive with me in the men’s room and I had to leave the bar twice to drive down the street to pee somewhere else. It wasn’t really about the way she handled that specifically but I don’t feel safe talking to her about any transphobia at all anymore, and there’s no way for me to express this and explain why she’s messing up basic allyship because I tried twice now already.
She’s my main support system, we’ve been tight for the last three years and I’ve known her my whole life. Her biological family is also a huge support system for me and I don’t want to cut any one of them off.
So here’s the question: what the actual fuck do I do? Does anyone have any books, or resources, or like good nuanced explanations of allyship stuff that I can send her? I can’t keep having these conversations because she says really personal attacks about me and honestly the way I’m perceiving her reactions are making it hard for me to take her seriously at all, in any context. I’m thinking if I send her a third party source she might feel less attacked and it will take the emotional labor off me because she can’t argue. Has anyone dealt with anything similar? Can anyone give me any advice?
Thanks.
Tl;dr my very close friend who is my main/only support system said something transphobic, doubled down, and had continued to disrespect me and lodge personal attacks against me when I try to bring it up. Any resources for that?

Im sorry about what happened. I didn’t disappear on you intentionally.
If you remember 2010, I left because i had no idea you might have feelings for me or that i did and because i thought you didn’t care about me as a friend. Seemed like you had so many good friends and i was afraid that you would hurt me like N did. Im weird about friendships because I barely had any growing up and seemed to constantly lose friends. I didn’t leave to hurt you I just thought you wouldn’t notice.
Then more recently, i was in love with you. I didn’t want to hurt you. Not ever. I started to think you were using me along with him encouraging that idea then the proxy changed and became nasty and i didnt even know you were still out there loving me. I didn’t know it hurt you and realizing last night from your letter hit me like a truck cause i never wanted to be the person that appears to prove your trauma fears right especially not for you. I know what thats like and i know how horrible it feels (though with a different trauma of course) and it pains me so much that thats how it was for you.
Im so sorry but as i was saying I didn’t do it on purpose. I just didn’t even know. The thing about our relationship is it was through letters and i stopped looking at letters and i guess I stopped writing them too. So you couldn’t know and i dont remember seeing anything from you. I vaguely remember you were upset that i was talking to him but i don’t know if you knew he ghosted me after seeing my picture. I dunno. I was so lost and confused at the time. Writing letters became too difficult, thats why i stopped.
I guess i am a terrible person. I shouldn’t have talked to him though i remember someone kept trying to talk to me during the beginning. It was probably him.
And based on the fact that i got psychosis just from talking to a dude casually a while before that (when we werent talking cause you told me to leave you alone, which id still like to know what happened there, that whole thing really hurt me but that’s not the point of this), i was far too traumatized by men then to have any clue about him (A). Unfortunately. (Btw, i wish we had a more private place to hash out private things)
Im not trying to make excuses and please don’t say i am (cause my mom has forever and ever) but this whole thing was more complicated than perhaps you thought.
Im conflicted because i feel like this is the path i had to go down, to find myself and figure out my traumas but i never meant to hurt you along the way. I never wanted you to feel abandoned and left without a word. I can’t imagine how that must have felt. This will eat away at me probably for the rest of my life.
Im sorry, this is a shitty explanation and apology but apparently all i could come up with at the moment. My brain is all over the place.
So, thats why i thought you wouldnt want to give it a try anymore. Seemed too terrible to ever trust me again.
I do love you (but without any contact how can i show you? I wanna show you) and i see a future everywhere around me of us. Comes up unbidden. Sometimes i think i hear you, im not sure. And i worry im so bad at just everything that youll think im just some user. I don’t know how many users go through extreme embarrassment though lol. They’d be smoother too. Im so awkward.
I froze when i realized just what id done (inadvertently). From the letter. I shut down completely. My guilt is never ending, what’s some more. But for reasons i can’t explain right now (one day though) this guilt is extra excruciating. Cause it’s you. The one i adore most.
You always thought (it seemed) that id done something to hurt you with all this intangible guilt i carried around but it was just how i annihilated the whole world.
I wish i could hold you. You can yell at me if you want. If it helps. I wish i could just be near you.
It’s been like 5 years. I can’t believe it. We’re due to see each other again.
Anyway, i love you and i hope you have sweet dreams when you sleep baby (he calls you babygirl ive noticed). I’ll stop calling you that.

Hey y’all!
I know this is really long and I’m honestly not sure if anyone will read through it. I feel the need to tell this whole thing, to get it off my chest but also to provide context. I (24tm) have a very close friend (32f) who is cisgender. I’ll call her A.
I was at a bar with A and someone came up to me and immediately tried to debate me and was saying really transphobic stuff and using the T slur. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried to explain to him that he was wrong but he kept talking over me. A didn’t say much during this conversation. I told him I was going to leave because he wasn’t listening, turned to walk out and A was a little behind me. He told her, “you know you guys can’t have babies, right?”
Yeah. Gross. So when talking about this after the fact, every time it was mentioned A belabored on how she wasn’t involved and she just can’t believe he said that to her. I just kind of thought this was annoying and let it go, until one night, when we were talking to her dad about this I said something about how that’s just what happens when you’re friends with trans people, you get caught in the crossfire. Later that night she explained to me that she wasn’t actually centering herself and it just made him more of an asshole that he said it to her, and I’m realizing now as I type this that the implication of that is that it would have been less bad if he had said it to me. I told her it’s annoying because she should have said something to him and defended me, and gotten involved to begin with. Her response was, verbatim, “I’m a cancer mars.” (For context, I believe in astrology and so does she. But. Really?) She then told me that he was being homophobic because I had said something to him about how I was gay and he thought I was a woman and that we were a couple, which is why he said that. I was like, nope, he was pretty explicitly being transphobic. And she then explained again how it wasn’t transphobia it was homophobia and doubled down that he thinks I’m a woman.
I got home to a text further explaining how she wasn’t centering herself by talking about that stuff, and I responded that I was actually bothered by her trying to tell me it was homophobic and not transphobic (she has never dated a woman and is married to a cis man). I also said something about how I didn’t have the emotional capacity for the argument because I was having some other issues with transphobia right before that (which she was aware of) that didn’t involve her. I think the words I said were about being surrounded by cis people. I also think I said something about how she always thinks she’s right. I know that’s not a great thing to say in conflict. But I did say that.
She started getting incredibly defensive around my language of saying cis people, and saying “oh what? I’m just like (insert other person I was in conflict with) now?” And telling me that her saying it was homophobia was just “her perception” and seemed to not understand why that was wrong. She also said I was “fucking on one recently” in regards to marginalization. I backed down and apologized for the cis thing. Honestly I don’t remember too much else of the conflict other than we were arguing for quite a while, and it ended with her and I both apologizing. The next day I re read everything and texted her that I wasn’t happy with the argument. She said “yeah I’m not happy either.” I sent a paragraph about how I don’t know how to proceed and this could change how safe I feel around her, and how I don’t know what to do because she proved by getting defensive and doubling down that I can’t express things like this to her or expect her to defend me in any real capacity. a couple hours later sent me a long text, basically saying that I was (verbatim) “just trying to get my pound of flesh” because she had already apologized. Also some stuff about how I apparently had pointed out her privilege too many times recently (that’s probably true, I thought I was being funny though and didn’t realize I was being annoying) and essentially said that she “crossed a boundary (she) didn’t know existed” by trying to tell me it was homophobia and that some random stranger thought I was a woman. Honestly? I kind of just lost faith that she was going to be rational so I backed down.
That really bothered me for a while. I was going to email the bar to tell them about the transphobic guy, because he had a music show scheduled for the following week and I wanted them to drop him. She asked me at one point if I had sent the email, I said no and explained it was because the whole thing was too much for me, and she offered to send it. She wrote something, I added a couple things, she sent it, the bar dropped him. She sent this in her family group message that I’m in and everyone was congratulating her and saying they were proud of her. That was super triggering because after she was so explicitly transphobic to me I felt really annoyed at watching everyone eat her ass over sending an email. During this conversation, her kid (10nb) sent a voice memo “explaining the situation” and basically just recapped that someone was transphobic to me, and said that I was going to send the email but didn’t because I was “lazy” so their mom sent it. I texted A to say, hey, I probably want to have a conversation with your kid at some point about why they shouldn’t call marginalized people lazy when they don’t stick up for themselves. She explained that she didn’t know where they got that verbiage from. I told her that it wasn’t a big deal, reiterated multiple times (in very explicit wording) that they did nothing wrong, but I was frustrated because I had conflict with A which made me unable to deal with the transphobia and then her kid calls me lazy because of, essentially, what A did.
A texted me an hour or so later telling me that I was “putting my emotions on her to handle” and I “should pick my battles with more discernment” because I was “triggered from our conflict” that happened the previous week. She said I need to “process my emotions longer” before I come to her. She also listed off some things she was dealing with and said she was pissed off that she even had to be frustrated with me. It was a long conversation where I asked if she was okay because her extreme emotional reactions are out of character and she said she was okay. I ended up disingenuously backing down and apologizing and said I knew I was triggered and I explained exactly that, she basically said that I’m “not the only one the conflict was hard for” the implication I gathered is that I shouldn’t bring it up to her, I guess.
Tonight I was with her and someone got aggressive with me in the men’s room and I had to leave the bar twice to drive down the street to pee somewhere else. It wasn’t really about the way she handled that specifically but I don’t feel safe talking to her about any transphobia at all anymore, and there’s no way for me to express this and explain why she’s messing up basic allyship because I tried twice now already.
She’s my main support system, we’ve been tight for the last three years and I’ve known her my whole life. Her biological family is also a huge support system for me and I don’t want to cut any one of them off.
So here’s the question: what the actual fuck do I do? Does anyone have any books, or resources, or like good nuanced explanations of allyship stuff that I can send her? I can’t keep having these conversations because she says really personal attacks about me and honestly the way I’m perceiving her reactions are making it hard for me to take her seriously at all, in any context. I’m thinking if I send her a third party source she might feel less attacked and it will take the emotional labor off me because she can’t argue. Has anyone dealt with anything similar? Can anyone give me any advice?
Thanks.
Tl;dr my very close friend who is my main/only support system said something transphobic, doubled down, and had continued to disrespect me and lodge personal attacks against me when I try to bring it up. Any resources for that?

A little background, i dont have kids it just me, my sister has a husband and 6 kids. My sister and I used to always shop and hangout we never fought. So Almost 4 years ago my sister and her husband with 6 kids got evicted from their apartment for damaging property and not paying rent they were sued in the process. I lived in the same apartment complex with no problem but happened to be leaving too cause I just closed on my home. They were now paying for hotels and even was told they need to buy two hotels cause theyre not allowing a family of 8 to occupy 1 room and my sister told me about their hardships and of course I felt bad she said it wasnt her fault and the apartments lied about damages. I still had 1 month left on my lease while my home was already closed for a week now unoccupied. Feeling sorry I said they can stay at my unoccupied home while I finish my lease.Her husband was working and they would save money instead of paying the hotel they said it would take just maybe two weeks cause they already been speaking with places that will to accept evictions. I gave them the whole month and the idea was that they'll be gone by the time I move in my place. This was possibly the worst mistake in my life. My lease ends I move in they still there and my theres trash in my yard so told them to pick it up. I told them what's the deal and she says can I give them more time maybe a month or a few cause it's harder than they thought, reluctantly I said alright. As time went on her husband was fired,quit or whatever and never got a job afterwards. They put holes in wall within one month and said it was cheap cause she accidentally fell into it. My home become damaged and looked like a zoo within those months. I'm not very confrontational and hate drama so just telling them to be cleaner and not kicking them out seemed better. But my family and friends were all angry cause it was now a year and they felt she was taking advantage of me. They all was excited when I told them I was closing and have a new home and wanted to help with a housewarming and creating gardens etc. I told them it will need to wait cause my situation. But they would ask when my family leaving so everyone who was involved knows the situation and was not happy after so much time has passed. I was very patient and out of nowhere my other sister decided to call my sister that live with me a bum on social media. My sister confronted me saying she needs to mind her own business calling her out her name and saying there's no reason everyone should know her business and I must been yapping about her business.I had to correct her and tell her you mean my business because everyone was invited to my business in regarding my prior to you moving in.she apologized but got mad and ranted on social media about ppl being fake. Her kids started damaging my new appliances that came with the home and I said you all need to be responsible for the cost. They told me if there's damages they will cover. 2 years passes and it just becomes uncomfortable I never moved my furniture back in cause the kids broke them into pieces twice so I decided I'm not bringing it in. They were more destructive to my place as they got older They tore down all my blinds and leave food everywhere and drew on my wall while I was at work. Their parent never can hold a job no more than a few months. Started to ask them to pay a bill cause its been run up to $500 and my bills are ususlly less than $100 and i csnt keep up anymore.they either say dont have noney or thet say okay but dont.It's now been almost 4 years and I practically just live in my room cause it's just uncomfortable now. None of them speak to me and we can go weeks without saying a word. I might been the AH here but I decided to cut my utilities cause when i fell behind it was steady racking up to a few thousands in just 2 months. When I went out of town a few days I got back early morning with the waterhose running so it had to be running overnight and they let kids use it without turning it off overnight.it kept happening despite me telling them to watch their kids while doing this. So yes it was uncomfortable for me to cut it off. But now I'm thinking to just kick them out but like I said I'm non confrontational and they are very confrontational so I don't know how it will go. I feel sorry for my nieces and nephews but its been almost 4 year and I never got to live in my first home.its beyond damaged and is unrecognizable now so I'm thinking of selling it and starting over again. I don't know where everyone else go and I feel bad cause i know we not speak again after this but they don't speak to me now so I wouldn't really lose any relationship that's already broken and just gain my freedom back. It's been overwhelmingly stressful since its just me. Aitha if I throwing my family of 8 out?

This triggers me enough to rant. Quick preface; I cannot STAND grease on my hands at all. Anything sticky or greasy bothers the shit out of me until I can wash it - which even at that point, a very thorough washing still leaves my hands feeling like there's some grease. I refuse to eat bags of chips, or burgers, or greasy handhelds in any situation where there's no option to wash my hands. In addition to that - sidenote - restaurants that offer only greasy messy shit, and then have the audacity to have no paper towels in the bathroom, but just the air dryer, and shitty napkins... fuck you. Lol
Anyways - what the actual fuck is up with youtubers that sit in their cars and eat the greasiest messiest spread of shit while sitting in the drivers seat? What the fuck do they do - just slather their wheel up with grease as they drive off, greasing up their phone to stop the video, and greasing up the handles of the car to get out? You know for a fact, whatever napkins they have in the car don't cut it. Even if its a paper towel, that grease is still there. If there's no water and soap - it shouldn't be an option. Stop being nasty. Fucking weirdos. (ironic how im essentially a grease-o-phobe)
Also, stray bullets coming for those nature chefs... do NOT tell me that its safe to chop the vegetables and touch them after cutting up a chicken on the same slab of wood. And again, you're telling me that you're okay having raw chicken and meat grease, NEVER MIND WHEN ITS FUCKING OIL AND HONEY while you're in the middle of a forest with literally no way to clean your hands. River water aint gonna cut it bud.
I hate that shit. It's fiction. There's no way actual human beings are doing this.
Lastly, fuck chefs that cook all day with honey and either somehow don't get *any* honey on their hands while their doing 27 other things simultaneously, or DO and then don't care. Thats also bullshit.
Thank you. End of rant.