Escaping websense

Find familiar is one of my favourite spells, packed with so much utility that it's basically a class feature for wizards, that warlocks and post-Tasha's druids can get in on too. But not all choices are made equally. Here I'm going to rank the choices and explain my reasoning, plus consider alternative familiar choices (not the more powerful options that warlocks can get, but simple tiny CR 0 beasts).

• Owl: If you're looking to primarily use your familiar as a scout, this is the best option. 60ft flying speed, dances past opportunity attacks, and not only has two keen senses, but proficiency in both perception and stealth. S tier familiar.
• Bat: Much slower than the owl but flying is flying, and 30ft isn't terrible. But if you fear invisible foes or spend a lot of time in the dark, 60ft of blindsight and keen hearing could really tip the balance. A personal favourite. A tier familiar.
• Hawk: In most aspects, a straight downgrade from the owl, with just perception proficiency and keen sight only. But they're just as fast and slightly better DEX, STR, and WIS if you're worried about your familiar having to make saving throws. Still A tier.
• Raven: At 50ft, they're slightly slower than the birds of prey, but still have that perception proficiency. If you're picking a raven though, you're after it's mimicry feature. It'd take a bit of creativity, but might prove useful for distractions or adding a bit of realism to silent illusions. B tier, but still cool.
• Cat: It's hard for the non-flying familiars to keep up with the birds and bats in terms of usefulness, but a 40ft walking and 30ft climbing speed eliminates a lot of hassle. They're sneaky, perceptive, and have keen smell too. B tier, one of the best land dwellers.
• Poisonous snake: It's technically the most dangerous animal listed, but familiars can't attack. But it has 10ft blindsight and a swimming speed equal to it's 30ft walking speed, so that bumps it up to C tier for me.
• Weasel: Very little going for it that a cat can't match, and less features over all, but isn't terrible. C tier.
• Rat: Compared with the weasel, it has worse stats, one less keen sense, 10ft less movement, and no skill proficiencies, with it's only pro being darkvision. D tier, I guess it blends in with urban environments.
• Crab: It can only move 20ft, but it does that in water too, and breaths both air and water, plus stealth proficiency. C tier.
• Spider: stats wise it's crap, and it only has 20ft movement speed. But it has spiderclimb for good all-terrain movement. The thing keeping the spider from the bottom tiers is it's websense and web walker traits. They're niche, but if you fight a lot of spidery enemies (such as drow or ettercaps) it could suddenly come into it's own, and with sneak proficiency makes a good spy against them. Still D tier unless you run into a lot of webbing.
• Octopus: Well it can't survive more than half an hour outside water and is basically immobile, that's a really bad start. But once you get past that, it has a lot going for it. Darkvision, proficiency in stealth and perception, 30ft swim speed, and underwater camouflage. Then it's got it's ink cloud, a 5ft smoke bomb that also let's it dash. And don't ignore that it's the only small sized option, meaning it can grapple medium creatures (though it's not very strong). Weird that it's missing an ability to squeeze well. F tier, unless you're underwater a lot then it's S tier.
• Sea horse: Everything bad about the octopus, none of the perks. It's even 10ft slower. A true F tier familiar, might as well save your 10gp.

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So those are the listed options, but the core monster books include other tiny and small CR0 creatures. Many are quite reasonable for a DM to allow you to use.

• Badger: It has a very situational 5ft burrow speed, but only a 20ft walking speed. Keen smell though. C tier.
• Scorpion: Without the ability to attack, this thing is pretty useless. 10ft of blindsight is held back by equal amounts of movement. F tier.
• Baboon: Pack tactics doesn't mean much if you can;t attack, but it has 30ft of climbing speed and it's pretty strong of a familiar, so maybe it can grapple things for you. C tier.
• Eagle: a bigger hawk. B tier.
• Giant fire beetle: It's a bit exotic, but not over powered. With 30ft movement speed. the smae in blindsight, and 10ft of bright and dim light, it's got a few tools making it worthy of B tier, A if you really hate holding your own torches.
• Jackel: With 40ft of movement and two keen senses (smell and hearing) it's a good scout. B tier.
• Awakened rat: Unlike many glowing familiars, this one can turn it's lights off, super useful. Not only that, but it's completely immune to telepathy and divination. In the right campaign, it's A tier, but overall B tier.

There are other CR 0 familiar options in adventure books too.
Icewind dale has quite a few:

• Hare: With 20ft movement and 5ft burrowing speeds, it's going down the path of the badger. What sets it apart is it's escape feature, it's basically a rogue, a comparison backed up by it's perception and stealth skills. Pairs well with dragon breath and pushes it up to B tier.
• Fox; slightly faster but slightly less interesting, it keeps the 5ft burrow and has keen hearing, perception and stealth proficiency, and 60ft of darkvision. If you need a nigh guard to dig in and keep watch from hiding, it's a good choice. B tier.
• Chimeric baboon: Actually not much more use than a regular baboon, so C tier.
• Chimeric cat: Well whatever they mixed this mog with gave it 60ft of blinsight and tremorsense. A tier.
• Chimeric fox: The fox was good, but this thing has chameleon camouflage. B tier still, maybe tipped into A if you're an arcane trickster who wants a familiar who can keep up.
• Chimeric hare: 30ft of flying speed is already enough to put you on A tier, paired with the hare features it becomes a solid S tier.
• Chimeric rat: It can breath water now, pretty neat I guess. D tier unless you encounter a lot of water.
• Chimeric weasel: I hope you weren't banking on your familair as a spy, because this one sheds 20ft of bright light, and the same of dim light. But useful for dark caves, C tier.

Waterdeep has two

• Falcon: Same as a hawk, A tier.
• Awakened rat: Human level intelligence and the ability to speak common actually goes a long way if you want a loyal rodent to carry messages and conduct complex tasks. B tier.

Tomb of annihilation has three, two of which are weird creatures specifically intended to be familiars.

• Wild dog: Statistically, it's a jackel, so B tier. A tier if it's a really good boy.
• Almiraj: It looks like a unicorn rabbit, but that horn must be worth something because it's got 50ft of movement, darkvision, perception and stealth skills, and keen hearing & sight. B tier.
• Flying monkey: 30ft of flying speed isn;t much, but for a familiar it's strong, smart, and only small sized. B tier, because you can probably use goblin sized equipment on it.

Finally there's Storm Kings thunder

• Tressym: Also available from Baulders Gate DiA, this thing is really good. It can plainly see invisible creatures within 60ft, detect poison by touch and smell and can fly 40ft, all on top of the stuff a cat can do. S tier, don't be surprised if your DM stops you summoning this monstrosity.
• Sheep: Why is this small? Sheep are about human sized. Whatever you opinion on the mass of a sheep, it's just not got much gong for it. Advantage against being knocked prone I guess. D tier.

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I've missed a few that are duplicates, like the crow from Mad Mage, and I've not bothered with any of the fish, because they're all F tier unless you're always under water. Or the strixhaven familairs, because I think they're not designed to be stacked up against most other familiars.

be me
be half elf druid in a party of 5 others
in the continent looking for my wife but the trail is cold so I tag along with these guys
in a city helping two of the newer members of the party solve this murder case they're on
people in the city getting utterly fucked up
this weird poison is being used on them but we don't know whose doing it
get information that a nobleman who is involved somehow is having a party
you can see where this is going
one of the members of the prospectors bereau (the guys who are investigating the murders) says he can hook us up with invitations and fancy clothes
everyone gers excited to start dressing up
it dawns on me that we won't be allowed weapons
that doesn't fly right with me
"I wild shape into a crab"
queue montage as people exit the changing rooms in their attire, describing their fancy outfits
I proceed to sneak into the tiefling sorcerers pocket
we all head to the party
get to the door and everyone manages to get in without a hitch
they're handing out fine dwarven ales and wines to people as they're arriving
I nip my friend, he looks in his pocket as I gesture at the beers
he grabs one for me, other guests notice my chitinous appendage reach out to grab it
he plays it of cool and starts flirting with guests as we try and figure out where we can find information
other party members disperse among the crowd
eventually my human transportation shifts to a room with a stair case and a few guests listening to a drunk man talking about which ales are the superior or something
a plan is forming
another member of the party starts reluctantly engaging the drunk party goers, so that they are looking away from the stairs
the tiefling sorcerer takes this opportunity and throws my crustacean ass up the stairs
its time for some sweet infiltration
as the party continues downstairs I start moving upstairs
across from the staircase is a room and down the corridor some guards
I sneak into the room under the door
just a chest and a bed, not much to go off
I turn into a human to think about how to proceed
loot the chest because I'm saving up for this sweet staff
an idea strikes me square in the head
I shit in the bed (this wasn't part of the plan I just did it for fun, the party think it was part of a grander scheme though)
I cast pass without trace
plus 10 for stealth
I wild shape into a spider
I am basically undetectable
I leave the room and start wandering around
spraying Web juice all over the shop
I walk down the corridor, right I front of the guards
pretty much impossible to fuck up a stealth roll now
progressing from room to room looking for information
suddenly I sense a familiar presence with my websense
MySpideySenseIsTingling.web
the tiefling sorcerer has come upstairs to look for clues
"fuck he's going to mess it up"
how can I stop the guards noticing him?
I quickly run towards the guard and launch myself onto his face
"what the fuck! Theres a spider on me"
I'm thrown off and run into the first room under the door and the guard follows me
"what the fuck there's shit on the bed"
the tiefling follows me to the largest bedroom
we find a key that's obviously for the downstairs study
jackpot
now to get back downstairs
I wave my arachnid limbs to try and gesture what my plan is to the sorcerer
it doesn't work
I gesture for him to follow me
two guards in the hallway
I can handle this
jump on one's face again and scuttle away to a different room
the tiefling manages to escape back down the stairs
but this guard is wise to me
I'm thrown down the serving staffs stairway
landing at the bottom, my single health point is lost after a pretty piss poor dex roll
immediately transformed into a fairly ragged, scruffy druid
just then a maid carrying delicious appetisers wanders in from the kitchen
"EEEK WHO ARE YOU! GUARDS! WE'VE GOT A GATE CRASHER"
I guess I'll have to play the part
"aww come one you fucking fascists just let me stay for a bit"
the guard isn't buying it, hauls my ass out of their
meanwhile, the nobleman is making a speech in the main hallway, the sorcerer uses this as an opportunity to enter the study
he manages it relatively well
the patrolling guards don't see him
he manages to find the information we are looking for
he heads footsteps approaching
MetalGearAlertSound.wav
how is he going to get himself out of this one?
fortunately at this point, a very peeved druid is outside waving his quarterstaff around yelling about prejudice against half elves and how he should be allowed in the party
I conjure animals to summon 16 goats who proceed to stampede throughout the mansion, distracting everyone
the sorcerer regroup with the rest of the party and choose this moment to make their exit with the information we required

All in all, a successful heist.

I had a really weird day at work today.
It started as a normal day, I was at my desk by 9.30 taking calls about computer problems that were easily resolved with the age old question "Have you tried turning it off and on again?" and setting up mobile phones in between calls.
At 11.30 I logged off the phone system and took the mobile phones over to the post room, stopping to talk to Janice for a quarter of an hour. By the time I was back at my desk, it was lunchtime. I ate 6 wagon wheels and drank 2 pints of full-fat milk.
I set up two iMacs for graphic designers in the afternoon, and returned to my desk to create a pointless spreadsheet at my managers' behest. At 4PM, the vulnerability scanner started to scan the network, and as it does every Thursday at 4PM, and it killed the internet, as it normally does. To fix the internet, someone has to walk to the far side of the site, through the factory floor, all the way to cabinet 6 where the core switch lives (basically like a really expensive router) and turn it off and on again. My colleagues are lazy, and as the most junior IT technician in the department, I was asked to go and restart it.
I walked across the site, through the "thinkcubator", past the office of the screaming skull and down into the bowels of the factory, winding my way through machines endlessly spooling wrapping paper and folding and embossing envelopes before arriving at cabinet 6. Cabinet 6 is a comms cabinet with 4 racks of servers, switches and the old A/S400 backup tape machine. The room is a 4*4m square with an electromagnetically locked swipe card door that can only be opened from the outside. Last Thursday, my colleague spent an hour locked inside after he forget to wedge the door open, and he only managed to escape by unplugging the websense server and waiting for someone to come and fix it. As I approached cabinet 6, the door looked slightly ajar, but the status LEDs on the card reader indicated it was locked. I thought little of it and swiped my pass. Immediately an A5 notepad dropped to my feet, and I thought I heard a muffled gasp from behind the door. I stood there for 5 seconds until I heard the door lock again trying to figure out what was going on before trying the door again. I tried to open the door, but it felt like something (or someone?) was behind the door preventing me. I looked around and saw one of the factory workers watching me, as soon as I made eye contact he walked over to see if I needed help. I asked him to push the door as soon as I swiped because I needed to get inside. As soon as I swiped he put all of his weight into pushing open the door, but this time it immediately flung open and rebounded.
I'll never forget what I saw next. It's etched into my memory where it will stay until I die. Dean Denby, Janices husband since 1985 was looking for his underwear somewhere on the floor. The woman who was with him was frantically trying to button up her shirt and holding her underwear in her hand. It was pretty obvious what they were doing, and it was exceptionally awkward for everyone. I said "wow I'm sorry" and pretty much ran off to the smoking shelter for lack of a better option. I had a cigarette, calmed down a little, and by the time I had returned they had gone.
I don't think I have the capacity to just forget about it and pretend it never happened, but at the same time I do not want to intervene. Currently, I'm leaning towards writing a report and submitting it to HR. Only IT workers are supposed to be able to access those rooms, and people are definitely not supposed to have sordid affairs on the premises during their contracted hours. Any serious advice would be appreciated because unlike Dean and his mistress, I'm not really having fun, and I'm dreading seeing any of them again.
TL;DR Accidentally discovered an affair while trying to fix the internet, don't know how to deal with it, or even if I need to