I feel myself joyous

I figured I would tell my story to the void to help me cope somehow.
It all started on April 29, 2024, with what was supposed to be a routine ultrasound for my 12-week pregnancy. From the moment they wouldn’t let me see the ultrasound and only took pictures of the baby’s head, a sinking feeling settled in my chest. Something was wrong. On May 3, my fears were confirmed when I was instructed to see another ultrasound specialist due to concerning findings from the initial scan. My husband and I tried to stay optimistic, hoping against hope that any issue might resolve itself or require only minor surgery after birth.
On May 4, we found out we were having a boy. We shared the joyous news with a few close friends and family. This was our first child, and the anticipation was overwhelming. But by May 13, I was bracing myself for the worst, determined not to cry no matter what the doctor said. My best-case scenario was that our baby had a condition where the bowels were growing outside the body, which could be corrected with surgery after birth. The reality was far more devastating.
The doctor told us the head and upper extremities appeared normal, but a large cystic structure dominated the lower abdomen, likely the bladder, with umbilical vessels entering and surrounding it. At 14 weeks, our baby was measuring at just 12 weeks, possibly due to the cyst. Worse still, the spine appeared truncated at the lumbar area, with no sacral spine, causing one leg to grow normally while the other was significantly shorter.
As the doctor explained and showed us the images, my resolve crumbled. Tears silently streamed down my face. I felt embarrassed by my inability to hold them back, even though it was perfectly reasonable to feel such heartache. Isn’t it silly to feel embarrassed in such a moment of profound grief? My husband hugged me tight, reassuring me that we could get through this together. It took all my strength to compose myself enough to leave the room.
Walking through a waiting room full of other pregnant women, I felt their sympathetic gazes piercing through me. I hurried out of the office, my heart heavy with sorrow, and finally broke down completely in the car, the weight of our reality crashing down on me. I'm a very prideful person; I don't like showing my weakness to anyone. My husband has only seen me cry a handful of times (I'm in therapy working on this).
In the solitude of the car, I let it all out—the fear, the sorrow, the overwhelming sense of helplessness. This journey, which began with so much hope, had turned into a heart-wrenching ordeal.
Making the call to my OBGYN to schedule the termination was to say the least difficult. Due to the stage of my pregnancy, I would need to be referred out to have this done. When I found out I would have to travel 2.5 hours from my area to have this done, enraged me. I was told that was the only place they could refer me to, they had one place that was in my area but they no longer had a contract with them. I had to get my insurance and husband to fight for me to have the procedure closer. I was finally able to schedule the termination closer to home thanks to the insurance, though it took some time. So my schedule date is June 3rd & 4th, I made sure to keep myself busy and not think about it. I have to admit that after hearing the diagnoses of the pregnancy, I let everyone know I was going MIA from social media and overall communication in general. Everyone gave me the space I needed to heal from this. As the days get closer, the sadness comes in waves but so does the peace knowing that he wont be suffering anymore.
Thank you for reading this.

ive never been a big drinker, but recently went through a period of self isolation, and as a result I’ve been pretty much sober since sometime in november. i had a beer a month ago and a beer tonight, both times after the evening was over I just felt incredibly depressed, and lonely. the only times i want to drink are when I’m meeting new people and feel shy. but then, these relationships (acquaintances mostly) just end up feeling so hollow and meaningless. we have to ingest a substance to be around each other, we are not really developing anything of depth here or truly recognizing each other’s souls.
does anyone else go through phases where these kinds of interactions all seem so surface level and disappointing? have you decided to cut out alcohol entirely, and to stop investing energy into this kind of socialization?
i do have a few long-standing close friendships but i just feel a lot of my relationships are lacking in depth. i tend to want to isolate myself when I go through difficult experiences, and I struggle to let people in, which tends to result in more superficial connections. after not drinking much the last 6 months it just feels like alcohol is only there to let u experience this mirage of human connection. it seems fun to « let loose » with friends or whatever but at the end of the day whatever social lubricant the alcohol provides also removes the degree of human vulnerability that make social connections truly meaningful.
am i just depressed after being inside alone so much recently? i feel like the only things that are worth investing in are building deep relationships, humanitarian work, and improving at any skills/crafts that make me feel alive and joyous. on some level I feel invigorated to pour my energy into building something that aligns with a deeper purpose now. in some other sense I wish I could go back to being that person, I was happier and felt less alone.
I used to be so shy that the recognition and closeness I got over having a beer and being able to joke around with people made me feel connected to others. now it feels silly and even further isolating. I’m generally content on my own and don’t even notice how isolated I am. but then when I socialize in these superficial ways, I get home after and feel a deep pang of loneliness and longing for deeper connection. I feel like an emo loser typing this out. I really want to build more close friendships, and I would love to start a family with someone one day. When I look at my life and relationships, sometimes I feel so much love for the friendships I do have, my heart feels full. And sometimes I feel this incredible sense of lack for the things I hope to build but do not yet have.
sobriety seems quite isolating, but drinking now feels that way as well. i know I’m not saying anything new here, just rambling through this experience. i just turned 28, so maybe this is something a lot of people begin to feel at this age? weirdly though I’ve never been a big partier, and when I was younger I wished I could be more extroverted/ wondered if I was missing out. I guess because of that I didn’t feel like these realizations would hit me so heavily, because it’s not even that far off my baseline to go completely sober. but something has really shifted in my perspective recently.
has anyone here confronted these feelings and made big changes in how they approach relationships and just the things they invest energy into in life?

ive never been a big drinker but I recently went through a period of isolating myself for like 5 months. i had a beer a few months ago and a beer tonight, both times after the evening was over I just felt incredibly depressed, and lonely. the only times i want to drink are when I’m meeting new people and feel shy. but then, these relationships (acquaintances mostly) just end up feeling so hollow and meaningless. we have to ingest a substance to be around each other, we are not really developing anything of depth here or truly recognizing each others souls.
does anyone else go through phases where these kinds of interactions all seem so surface level and disappointing? Have you decided to cut out alcohol entirely, and to stop investing energy into this kind of socialization?
I do have a few long-standing close friendships but i just feel a lot of my relationships are lacking in depth. I tend to want to isolate myself when I go through difficult experiences, and I struggle to show vulnerability or let people in. after not drinking much the last 6 months it just feels like alcohol is only there to let u experience this mirage of human connection. it seems fun to « let loose » with friends or whatever but at the end of the day whatever social lubricant the alcohol provides also removes the degree of human vulnerability that make social connections truly meaningful.
am i just depressed after being inside alone for the past 5 months or so? I feel like the only things that matter are building deep relationships, humanitarian work, and improving at any skills/crafts that make me feel alive and joyous. I moved to a new city last year and at first I had a lot of fun meeting new people, sometimes drinking and socializing on the weekend, which had never been part of my life before. now after being alone/sober for a while it just feels incredibly unfulfilling and sad. on some level I feel invigorated to pour my energy into building something that aligns with a deeper purpose now. in some other sense I wish I could go back to being that person, I was happier and felt less alone.
I used to be so shy that the recognition and closeness I got over having a beer and being able to joke around with people made me feel connected to others. now it feels silly and even further isolating. I’m generally content on my own and don’t even notice how isolated I am. but then when I socialize in these superficial ways, I get home after and feel a deep pang of loneliness and longing for deeper connection. I feel like an emo loser typing this out. I really want to build more close friendships, and I would love to start a family with someone one day. When I look at my life and relationships, sometimes I feel so much love for the friendships I do have, my heart feels full. And sometimes I feel this incredible sense of lack for the things I hope to build but do not yet have.
sobriety seems quite isolating, but drinking now feels that way as well. i know I’m not saying anything new here, just rambling through this experience. i just turned 28, so maybe this is something a lot of people begin to feel at this stage?
has anyone here confronted these feelings and made big changes in how they approach relationships and just the things they invest energy into in life?

A few years ago my mother said I had psychosis, narcissistic personality disorder and my memories were 'distorted' when I confronted her about her behaviour. Now this:
Her message (TLDR 1: the gist of it is that she is saying I am bipolaborderline):
Always remember that the real you is an incredibly kind, loving, fun, joyous, intelligent person. The you that always had empathy. I have not been able to express myself or be me with you because of the explosive rage and extreme reactions that I understand is difficult for you to navigate when you interact. Nevertheless it inflicts a heavy cost on your own well being and on those who love you. In the past I used to get stuck in my own pain due that explosive anger and was fearful of speaking my mind for that reason. Now I try to move beyond that pain to try and understand what is going on for you, with all the emotional dysregulation. risky behaviours, possible promiscuity, compulsive behaviors, explosive rage, isolating those who love you, relationship difficulties and it points towards an illness that is heritable. But it is so debilitating unless you take the appropriate help. I yearn to see you but I fear deeply that anything I do or say when we meet wil be misinterpreted if you have not sought treatment for bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder ( I believe you may have one of these). Unless you seek treatment for that. Unless and when you are ready to have these conversations and be treated for this, you and your relationships are not going to heal. I know you were not born this way, you had and have a clean ‘operating system’ and this is a genetic virus that has found its way ( if it is bipolar disorder), it has to be treated. I am aware that this may throw you into a rage again or disappear on me. But I would rather take that risk if there is even a minute chance to get you to seek help for this because the most painful fallout of this is the intense pain it causes you and the struggles with your own life. Know that I love you. I am here to support you. And meeting with you before you get treatment for this may not help you and me as well as we may get emotionally wounded again. So I am proposing that we meet when you are ready to get treated (maybe you already have) or have these conversations for me and you to feel mentally safe to speak with each other. That means regulating emotions when interacting. I would not want either one of us to have an emotional outburst on my birthday. That means we need to start having healing conversations and being emotionally regulated before we meet. So that is the real reason behind my decision. Remember, within you is this kind and beautiful person. We all have broken parts. Mental health issues are no longer a taboo or something to be ashamed of. I love you. Mum
--------end of her message
My response (TLDR 2: I think she's crazy):
Explosive rage?
Says the woman who put her hands around papa's throat.
Says the woman who beat the life out of her kid son for having anxious ticks
Says the woman who screamed like a hyena at a boyfriend who flirted with other women instead of just leaving. And didnt you meet this man when he came in for counselling to fix his marriage with his ex wife?
Says the woman who dragged her 12 year old daughter on the floor by the hair
Says the woman who fought with all her boyfriends kids, including a 4 yo, because she can't stand the idea of not being centre stage in her relationships
Says the woman who diagnosed her son, ex husband and daughter of narcisstic personality disorder, psychosis and now bipolar
Says the woman who harassed her 80 yo father about how much money she was going to get from him in the will while he was ALIVE because the thought of her sister getting more was intolerable.
Says the woman who tried to coerce her completely normal bodied daughter to get her stomach stapled.
Says the woman who obsessed over her weight and diet for so long and forced her teenage daughter to as well so she could have someone to project on.
Says the woman who practiced as a psychotherapist for years with a qualification in hypnotherapy and got angry when clients snooped around to find out about her qualifications.
Says a woman who brought children into an already failing marriage, cursing us to years of discord because that's what she thinks is normal.
You're insane. The only reason you can't be 'you' is because your constrained by the boundaries I've set up that prevent you from wrecking my life.
I didn't want to talk about my mental health because you won't like the diagnosis.
It's PTSD. From growing up with parents that never thought about whether they were fit to be parents and brought us into their miserable marriage.
We all need to keep a steady job and aim for something in life so I am obviously going to do whatever it takes to pay the bills, depressed or not. My friends are my family.
I don't need to diagnose you of any disorder to know why we are estranged. Nor do I have to rely on one to make excuses for the past.
This was a mistake. Back to no contact we go. I'm relieved we are not seeing each other. Honestly, who needs enemies with a mother like this.
-------end of my message
I've been in therapy for 5 years now and I always think I'm over her but it never really ends.
TLDR 3: She's been 'diagnosing' me since I was born. No therapist I have seen has ever mentioned bipolar but she's always making me question reality.

/uw A long one today. Special thanks to u/Lilith_Anorthosite who co-wrote this with me. Previous post here.
Vashric rips through the City of Dis like a jagged knife. Having been discovered by the horde of demons, stealth is no longer an option. Disintegration rays fly wildly through the air. War devils are broken down and blown apart. Walls and frames are atomized, several buildings collapse around them. He wants to fly out of the chaos but his telekinesis is still focused on stabilizing his body, a constant effort even now. He extends his wings to take off but the war devils dog him down. The fight devolves into a grapple as the horde piles onto Vashric, stabbing, slashing, tearing.
A violet light emanates from the pile, then a massive flash. The closest devils are vaporized immediately, the rest are blinded and stunned. With his psychomantic power severely hindered for the moment, Vashric resorts to hand-to-hand combat. Punches, kicks, claw slashes, tail whips, even in his weakened state Vashric is a force to be reckoned with. As strikes land, the fiends are reduced to bloody mists and fileted corpses.
Hundreds of the demons are felled before an opening presents itself. He throws his wings out, knocking multiple fiends away, and takes to the sky. The smoke-laden clouds of Dis parts ways before him as he reaches hypersonic speeds. The leftover war devils make chase, but quickly disappear behind the horizon, unable to keep up with Vashric’s sheer velocity. The eyes on his wings open again, scanning the ground below for any hell gates. He soars over the city, on and on. His frustration nearly rises to a boiling point, before he finally notices a gate on the outskirts, guarded by four large devils. He lands immediately, the force shakes the ground around him. He approaches the enforcers.
The largest, a massive, scarred pit fiend, calls to him, “Hark, grey devil, what business do you have-”
“I don’t have time for this, get out of my way.”
The pit fiend only smirks, “Your insubordination offends, whelp. Your skull will make a fine addition to my collection.”
The fiend motions to the other three demons, they draw their weapons and move in on Vashric. One to his left readies to bring down its cleaver but freezes, “I really don’t have time for this,” in a blur, Vashric had buried his hand in the demon’s chest, gripping around its spine, crushing it. He lets go and the demon slumps onto the dirt. The other two are dazed. “Kill him!” the pit fiend snarls at his soldiers. They regain some resolve and move in for the attack. The exchange is short lived, however. Vashric grasps the forearm of one demon, tearing it off, then thrusts their blade through the eye socket of the other. The first demon clinches its bloody stump before Vashric removes its head.
The pit fiend growls at him as he approaches, “Perhaps you’re a little more than just a whelp,” the massive hellspawn lunges at Vashric, letting loose with a flurry of practiced cuts. They miss, though, Vashric weaves through each attack. An opportunity presents itself, one punch shatters ribs, the other causes skull fractures. The fiend falls to the ground with a low thud. It tries to curse him, but can’t form words as it fades into unconsciousness. Without a word, Vashric steps through the hell gate.
He’s brought to the next layer through a tunnel of fire. He gets that same, fleeting sense of nostalgia. The portal opens up to a mountainside overlooking the outskirts of another city, this one gothic in appearance. Tortured souls adorn the buildings, their bodies melded into the stone, whispering pleads. From his position, Vashric can barely see a group of sinners and demons. He uses his ESP to get a closer look, and it reveals an enslaved workforce of the damned. They’re being whipped and abused by their infernal masters as they’re forced to pull around large stones. They haul the masonry to a large monument under construction. A statue to some sort of leonide figure it seems.
“So, this is Pri-”
He keels over, hugging his chest. The pressure returns, he can feel the changes again, somehow spurred on by his traveling to another circle of Hell. His rematerialization kicks into overdrive trying to fight back the demonic transformation. He falls to the ground, totally immobile. After a few moments of pure agony, he finds the strength to send out a telepathic signal, hoping Lilith is close enough to hear him, hoping this too isn’t jammed.
“Rghhh, gods d-damn, that’s going to h-hurt in the- RGGHH- in the morning. An assist would be really nice right about now.”
Meanwhile, Lilith is roaming the streets of Pride in search of her friend. Having arrived not long ago after receiving Vashric’s nebulous message. Midstep she’s struck by his psychic call and responds immediately after catching herself, “I got your message. I came as fast as I could, but, from what I saw on the news, I don't know if I can help. Where are you right now? The city is huge.”
Vashric is confused for a moment, “The news? RGGHH! O-Okay, n-not important. I could use some h-help getting this demon magic un-under control. H-Hang on,” Vashric expends just enough energy to send out a psychic ping to Lilith, “There, did-did you f-feel that? That’s me.”
A silver cloud appears in front of Vashric, it quickly dissipates to reveal Lilith still in her work attire, “I'm here! Vashric, what's happening?!”
Vashric is spasming on the ground, his body ripping itself apart and desperately trying to put itself back together. Muscles tearing out of skin, bones contorting into unnatural shapes, a horrible sight. His voice grates past his teeth, “The ch-changes are b-back. They won’t s-stop.”
“This isn't normal! This is too much demonic energy for most demons to handle. That includes me.”
“L-Lilith, ple-ease. Anything w-will help. I’ve had t-t-to shatter a-nd rebuild my skel-skeleton like three times n-now,” Vashric motions to the bones jutting out of his arm.
Lilith’s mind races with potential solutions. She flips through years of magical knowledge in her mind but almost every solution she can think of requires time. Time she doesn't have. Only one seems feasible at the moment.
“I'm going to get in trouble for this but it's the only thing I can think of. I’m going to use some of your energy for a summon spell.”
“T-Trouble? Summon who?- No, it d-doesn’t matter. I’ll take the blame, I-I don’t care. How f-f-fast can you s-summon them?”
“The summoning should be quick. The main issue is that what I'm doing is illegal and may cause some issues,” Lilith begins preparing the spell.
Vashric gets to his hands and knees with a growl of pain, small fissures form across his skin as magenta hellfire streams out from the wounds. He tries to stand, “I’m n-n-ot very m-mobile at the moment, sor-sorry, you’ll h-have to for-forgive me.”
Lilith scans the area for a moment. She sees nothing, but decides to set a silence spell around the two, just in case. “I can't have others hear this chant.” She then starts to speak in Infernal tongue. As she does, the energy streams from Vashric into a singular spot. A deep red rift forms in the air. A clawed hand grips the edge, enlarging the tear. The massive and broad figure of a warrior demoness walks out.
Vashric growls in pain as the magenta flames burn ever brighter. His skin chars as he does his best to hold back further demonic transformation. Totally unconcerned with the she-devil exiting the portal.
The demoness speaks, her voice not of brimstone and fire but of care and worry, “Lilith why are you trying to summon me? You know you can just call me?
Fully stepping out of the rift Asmodian General, Liliana Obsidiantail finally gets a proper look at the mutating grey devil, “Lilith, what's going on?”
Lilith addresses her mother in a panic,“I'm sorry mama, but it’s my friend, Vashric. The one that absorbed all of that demonic energy. He’s changing again! It was manageable the first few times but something is different now!”
Vashric struggles to address Lilith’s mother, “H-H-ello, I’m Vash-ric. F-Friends call me Vash. It’s n-nice to finally m-meet you.” Vashric waves with a flame wreathed hand, “I c-c-could use some help.”
Liliana’s voice becomes rougher once talking to him, “We can leave introductions for later.”
She turns to the rift she came through and with a wave of her hand the destination changes to a military base. Her voice becomes a deep demonic growl as she yells orders. Lesser demons run about grabbing brimstone pylons from what look like weapons. The demons swiftly and efficiently set the equipment up.
“This should contain the excess energy. This isn't going to be pretty, though.”
Vashric lets out an otherworldly snarl as his jaws and teeth begin to extend past his lips, splitting the skin of his mouth, “Do it!”
“Lilith, make sure none of this magic is discharged into the surrounding area. The equipment isn’t made for this. If the energy doesn’t flow directly from him to the pylons something could explode. Either the pylons or your friend.” Her mother's command shocks Lilith out of her nervous panic as she prepares herself.
Liliana then turns to Vashric with a sharpened spike connected to the pylons by metal chains and stabs it into his chest. He barely winces at the stabbing, initially, but forms a low, rumbling grow as the siphoning begins.
The energy emanating from Vashric is continually guided into the pylons but it starts to affect everyone in the area. Lilith attempts to form a barrier to seal in the surge, increasing the intensity for everyone inside. Shadowy tendrils rise up from the ground, writhing and pulsing. The pylons begin to glow with the same searing magenta. If all present weren’t fiends, they would surely burn alive inside the barrier. Faint, infernal whispers become audible.
The lesser demons that set up the pylons grip their heads as they topple over. Lilith’s eyes go wide as she recognizes the voices from her dreams. Her mother's eyes become fiercer as she forces the spike deeper into Vashric’s chest. He howls as his eyes become pits of fire, the burning continues but the bodily changes seem to slow. The whispers rise in volume, now. They assault Lilith and Liliana. Only they can hear its message, “The black waters rise. Rejoice in His work.”
Liliana yells to Lilith, “Who or what did you get involved with? What in the Nine Hells is speaking to us?”
“Liliana, soldier of Hell. His kingdom is imminent. Join Him in the black waters, where the blood collects. Rejoice in His work.”
Her response is quick,“I’m loyal to Asmodeus and to my family. Burn your heinous tongue in the eternal fires.”
Their minds are filled with insidious laughter, “The black waters rise. Rejoice in His work,” With that, the voice fades away. Vashric comes back to consciousness, spasming slightly. The pylons are burning like suns, but his transformation seems to stabilize for now.
Lilith releases the barrier, exhausted. Liliana pulls the spike out of Vashric and drops it to the ground. She grabs him by the collar and her voice becomes like brimstone, “You have some explaining to do.”
Vashric turns his head, taking a moment to spit a black, tar-like substance onto the ground. It writhes like the shadows from earlier. His voice is raspy and haggard, “I appreciate your assistance, truly, but I don’t know what you’re talking about.” This was a half-truth, Vashric had a good idea as to what she meant.
“Now, could you put me down? I’ll repay you when I can, but I have to continue my journey.”
“You’re not going anywhere that isn't a holding cell.”
“...I think we got off on the wrong foot. I’m sorry, I know this probably isn’t how you wanted to spend your day. Why don’t we talk things out before someone does something they regret,” Vashric gestures to Lilith, “We shouldn’t fight in front of your daughter, my friend.”
Lilith speaks up, “Mama, could you put him down?”
Liliana’s voice softens a bit, “Lilith, your ‘friend’ has caused major destruction in Dis. Multiple laws have already been broken. I'm not even supposed to be in this circle. So, no, I'm not going to put him down.”
She yells at the demons under her command to get up and take the pylons back to base as she chains Vashric.
He struggles against her hold, “Hey! Excuse me, I’m going to meet Astaroth, grand duke of the 9th. I’m sure he’ll clear everything up when I get there,” Vashric grips Liliana’s arm, then speaks to her, both verbally and telepathically, “Now. Put. Me. Down. Please.”
His telepathy collides with Liliana’s warded mind, “We’ll send a message to the grand duke when we get to your cell. If what you say is true, you should have no worries waiting for his response.”
Vashric glares at her, but doesn’t want to make a scene in front of Lilith, and doesn’t have enough strength to fight back anyway, “Fine. I’m not going to move rings yet, though. Not until I have time to meditate and replenish some of my psychomancy. Every time I’ve traveled between layers so far, this has only gotten worse.”
“I wasn't planning to. Now, where is the enforcement in this city?”
Liliana looks to the horizon and eventually sees the group of sinners in the distance, still lugging around large stones, headed by their demonic overseers. She spreads her massive wings and turns to her daughter, “Lilith, hold on.” She scoops her up and flies towards the demons, Vashric dangling in her other hand.
Liliana flies low enough to speak to the overseers, hovering just above them, she calls out, “I am Liliana, Guardian of Debauchery. I need to know where the nearest prison is.”
One of the demons motions for the sinners to halt and looks to Liliana, “What’cha be doing in Pride? We’re a long ways away from your circle.”
“Doing the job of whoever’s guarding this entrance.”
The demon gives her a defiant look, but doesn’t argue, too busy with its tasks. It points towards a large black spire in the center of the city. “Most prisoners are taken to the citadel, Sabnock will want a word, but he ain’t here at the moment. The lieutenant can see you for now.”
“Thank you,” Liliana turns and starts to fly in the spire's direction, Lilith and Vashric in tow.
Vashric chimes in, “This is really quite unnecessary, I can fly myself,” But Liliana ignores him. He turns to Lilith and speaks telepathically, “Lilith, I was expecting your mother to be a lot kinder, like you…”
Lilith, in a slightly quivering voice, “Well, if this introduction had been over some tea she’d likely be much nicer. She’s supposed to be on the job right now.” As the mental conversation continues, Lilith’s appearance starts to change.
“Why didn’t you say anything? I could have conjured tea-” Vashric stops, “Were your antlers always that long?”
“My antlers shouldn't be your concern at the moment! What happened back there? This wasn't like your other transformations.”
“It’s been getting worse the deeper into Hell I’ve traveled. I don’t know why. What’s more, the-” He pauses, contemplating how much he should divulge, “I never told you, but there have been…whispers, voices. This isn’t the first I’ve dealt with them, but they’ve been getting worse ever since I turned. Don’t worry about me, though, I’ll be fine. It’ll take more than hell magic to put me down.”
“Whispers? We heard whispers when we were siphoning your magic. They spoke exactly like a figure in the dream I had last night.”
“You’re serious? They talked to you? They talked to you in a dream? What did they say? Lilith, I need you to tell me exactly what they said.”
“They just said a lot about a ‘Herald’ and ‘black waters rising.’ That ‘He’ will make things start anew. Also, they repeated ‘rejoice in His work’ a lot.”
“They mentioned black waters?... Shit. Lilith, you need to leave, you can’t be around me. If it’s spreading, you won’t be safe near me.”
“Is this a disease? What is going on? This is clearly a threat and I can’t just turn my back. I won't let more people I care about get hurt because I'm too weak to help.”
“This isn’t a discussion, Lilith, this isn’t a suggestion. I’m telling you, when we get to this spire and your mother so graciously locks me up, you leave and go back to the Prime. I’ll meet Atsaroth as soon as I can and get this sorted out.”
“Ok, fine, but can you at least tell me what’s happening? I prefer to be informed of danger.”
“Lilith I-” he takes a moment to compose himself, “I’m not sure. It’s something I’ve been dealing with for a long time. Well before all this devil transformation nonsense. Just let me handle it.”
“You were literally tearing apart from the inside! Vashric, what would have happened if you hadn't called me?”
“I would’ve figured out something else…”
The trio breaks through a thick layer of smog, the Citadel of Pride reveals itself. A massive spire, made of dread iron and twisted souls, overlooks the ring. A beacon of hellfire lights the top, everburning, its flames shriek with the voices of the damned. The tower is surrounded by a fort, walled off from the city. Soldiers and guards can be seen beyond the bulwarks, some training, some prodding sinners and prisoners along. Liliana lands just outside the main gate. A large, imposing devil stands before them.
“You there, what is your business?”
“I am Lilliana Asmodi Obsidiantail, Asmodean General and Guardian of Debauchery. I come with a prisoner and I need to meet with the lieutenant.”
The demon eyes her, “Highly irregular. You’re not supposed to be in Pride, general. I’ll call the lieutenant, he’ll surely want to speak. So will Lord Sabnock when he returns.” It activates a sigil on the wall behind it, sending a message inside.
“I didn’t expect to be here, but it appears that someone has been failing to do their job.”
The fiend snorts, “We do not fail, blame the other rings for dumping their trash in our layer. And I suggest you hold your tongue. This isn’t your territory, and we don’t take kindly to such accusations. Especially not Lord Sabnock. Now, the lieutenant will meet you inside, mind your damn manners.” The demon gestures towards the guard house at the top of the wall, the gate creaks open. It then motions for the group to head inside, scowling at them all the while.
Liliana resists the urge to reduce the demon to a stain and drags Vashric in as Lilith follows behind her, “I now remember why I don't visit Pride.”
Lilith attempts to soothe her, “Mama, you're about to be in a meeting. The calmer you are, the faster you can get back to Debauchery and, in turn, the faster you can see Mother again.”
“Yes, I’d like to see her soon. This day has been… less-than-joyous,” she seems to grip Vashric a bit harder.
Vashric scoffs at Liliana, “Don’t be upset with me, I’ve been pretty cordial considering the circumstances.”
Their bickering is cut short, however. A portly Amnizu robed in fine clothes approaches the trio. Its rich adornments stand in stark contrast to its grotesque figure. It addresses Liliana alone, paying no mind to Vashric or Lilith, “General Obsidiantail, what a pleasure to meet you, I’m Lieutenant Tg’grax. I understand you have a prisoner you wish to deposit in our fine citadel?”
“Yes.” Liliana holds Vashric out, “This was just outside the city. The smell of blood lingers on it. I believe it’s the fugitive that tore through Dis.”
“I won’t ask what you were doing on our layer, I’m sure you had your reasons… Hmm, a grey skinned devil. Yes, perhaps this is the one that cut swathes through Dispater’s realm, Lord Sabnock will want to see for himself. Very well,” Tg’grax motions to Vashric and a pit fiend tears him out of Liliana’s hold. “This one will be kept in a holding cell, as for the two of you, you’ll have to wait until Lord Sabnock arrives.”
Liltih sighs, “At least I’m already off work.”
Liliana's face turns sour, “Well, I'm not. Asmodeus isn't going to be happy that I'm gone from my post for so long.”
Vashric is hauled off to a warded cell, “What a fine fucking predicament you’ve gotten yourself into this time, Vashric... Oh well, not much I can do until I recharge,” he thinks to himself, before assuming a meditative stance. He begins to gather psychic energy from his surroundings, unbeknownst to the guards, “And now we wait.”

Hi again. It’s been two months since I (23,F) was diagnosed and it feels impossible to move forward. I’m taking 1000 mg of valtrex and am about to start taking l-lysine. My third outbreak just started and I’m struggling to find the light at the end of the tunnel.
I’ve always been a relatively happy person, but lately, it’s been hard to just exist. I no longer feel optimistic and joyous about life. I miss the old me so much. I keep thinking of all the things I have to give up, from dating to food and my lifestyle. Whenever I think of these changes, life just feels meaningless. What’s the point if I can’t enjoy it the way I once did.
I have started therapy, I’m indulging in various hobbies and activities, I’m changing my appearance, and i’ve thrown myself into work and school as a means of distraction. I just feel so alone, scared, angry, and tired. Just need some positivity and reminders that this is all temporary, and to get this off my chest. Thank you for listening.

A few years ago my mother said I had psychosis, narcissistic personality disorder and my memories were 'distorted' when I confronted her about her behaviour. Now this:
Her message (the gist of it is that she is saying I am bipolaborderline):
Always remember that the real you is an incredibly kind, loving, fun, joyous, intelligent person. The you that always had empathy. I have not been able to express myself or be me with you because of the explosive rage and extreme reactions that I understand is difficult for you to navigate when you interact. Nevertheless it inflicts a heavy cost on your own well being and on those who love you. In the past I used to get stuck in my own pain due that explosive anger and was fearful of speaking my mind for that reason. Now I try to move beyond that pain to try and understand what is going on for you, with all the emotional dysregulation. risky behaviours, possible promiscuity, compulsive behaviors, explosive rage, isolating those who love you, relationship difficulties and it points towards an illness that is heritable. But it is so debilitating unless you take the appropriate help. I yearn to see you but I fear deeply that anything I do or say when we meet wil be misinterpreted if you have not sought treatment for bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder ( I believe you may have one of these). Unless you seek treatment for that. Unless and when you are ready to have these conversations and be treated for this, you and your relationships are not going to heal. I know you were not born this way, you had and have a clean ‘operating system’ and this is a genetic virus that has found its way ( if it is bipolar disorder), it has to be treated. I am aware that this may throw you into a rage again or disappear on me. But I would rather take that risk if there is even a minute chance to get you to seek help for this because the most painful fallout of this is the intense pain it causes you and the struggles with your own life. Know that I love you. I am here to support you. And meeting with you before you get treatment for this may not help you and me as well as we may get emotionally wounded again. So I am proposing that we meet when you are ready to get treated (maybe you already have) or have these conversations for me and you to feel mentally safe to speak with each other. That means regulating emotions when interacting. I would not want either one of us to have an emotional outburst on my birthday. That means we need to start having healing conversations and being emotionally regulated before we meet. So that is the real reason behind my decision. Remember, within you is this kind and beautiful person. We all have broken parts. Mental health issues are no longer a taboo or something to be ashamed of. I love you. Mum
--------end of her message
My response:
Explosive rage?
Says the woman who put her hands around papa's throat.
Says the woman who beat the life out of her kid son for having anxious ticks
Says the woman who screamed like a hyena at a boyfriend who flirted with other women instead of just leaving. And didnt you meet this man when he came in for counselling to fix his marriage with his ex wife?
Says the woman who dragged her 12 year old daughter on the floor by the hair
Says the woman who fought with all her boyfriends kids, including a 4 yo, because she can't stand the idea of not being centre stage in her relationships
Says the woman who diagnosed her son, ex husband and daughter of narcisstic personality disorder, psychosis and now bipolar
Says the woman who harassed her 80 yo father about how much money she was going to get from him in the will while he was ALIVE because the thought of her sister getting more was intolerable.
Says the woman who tried to coerce her completely normal bodied daughter to get her stomach stapled.
Says the woman who obsessed over her weight and diet for so long and forced her teenage daughter to as well so she could have someone to project on.
Says the woman who practiced as a psychotherapist for years with a qualification in hypnotherapy and got angry when clients snooped around to find out about her qualifications.
Says a woman who brought children into an already failing marriage, cursing us to years of discord because that's what she thinks is normal.
You're insane. The only reason you can't be 'you' is because your constrained by the boundaries I've set up that prevent you from wrecking my life.
I didn't want to talk about my mental health because you won't like the diagnosis.
It's PTSD. From growing up with parents that never thought about whether they were fit to be parents and brought us into their miserable marriage.
We all need to keep a steady job and aim for something in life so I am obviously going to do whatever it takes to pay the bills, depressed or not. My friends are my family.
I don't need to diagnose you of any disorder to know why we are estranged. Nor do I have to rely on one to make excuses for the past.
This was a mistake. Back to no contact we go. I'm relieved we are not seeing each other. Honestly, who needs enemies with a mother like this.
-------end of my message
I've been in therapy for 5 years now and I always think I'm over her but it never really ends.
She's been 'diagnosing' me since I was born. No therapist I have seen has ever mentioned bipolar but she's always making me question reality.

Hi all, I'm looking for advice on how to handle this situation because I'm on the verge of cancelling our wedding. My sister and I have always fought - she bullied me through much of my youth calling me fat and kicking me when I was down after a bad breakup telling me I should k*ll myself, but in recent years we have more or less gotten on better as she has approached her 30s. My mom has always placated her and told me I was worse for listening to her hurtful comments and I should take no notice of them. But they stick with me and they hurt. She has severe anger management issues and has a pattern of control and being unable to bear something not being about her. When my partner and I got engaged, she announced at our drinks celebration immediately after, "I feel so alone" in a jokey way but it was not the time to be saying such things. She also tried to construe a drama where she said she did not want to be maid of honor, that she knew I'd prefer my best friend anyway. I dealt with this by telling her I'd only have bridesmaids and no ranking and I'd of course love her to be one (despite our strained relationship - for my mothers sake). From the get go it was clear she wanted to create a drama.
She came out to visit me last year (I live in a different country) and threw a tantrum the day I had arranged to go looking at dresses with her. It was special to me to have her involved and be at the first moment I looked at dresses. She apologised but the rest of the trip was difficult. She spent most of it off with friends on a road trip and after storming out of my house for something as basic as me not being able to look for a towel for her while I was in a meeting, she texted me during the road trip saying she didn't care if she saw me again anyway, but asked could she still stay at my house the last few days of her trip. She announced she'd be arriving at midnight in the middle of my working week. I obviously felt like my home was a hotel at this point and she was only coming to have some place free to stay while she went out with her friends, but said I'd love to see her and spend time with her, however she would have to come earlier or stay with her friends that night as I had an important job talk the next day and I had to go to bed early. I thought this was entirely reasonable since when we both lived in the UK, she never allowed me to stay the night at hers in London after taking the train to visit friends because of her work and I always respected that. This caused another blowup on her end and I got a stream of nasty messages saying she was done with me and wasn't coming. She blocked me on everything and left the country without saying goodbye. This was very triggering for me as I survived a narcissistic abusive relationship when I was in my 20s and he would always send abusive messages like that then block me so I had no voice. I used to respond to him via email or LinkedIn when that happened, begging him to speak to me. I've done a lot of therapy to know that with people like this you just should not respond, so I ignored her. She has a tendency to blow up and say things she doesn't mean, so I let it go and months later wished her a happy birthday.
I eventually chose my dress with my mom who later visited me, and then I thanked my sister for contributing to the process. This resulted in me waking up to an essay of an abusive message, announcing I needed to apologise for not letting her just turn up at my home in the middle of the night all those months previous and that she hated me and to take her message as the final RSVP that she was not coming to my wedding. She then re-blocked me so I could not respond (she has a severe need to control). But again, I didn't plan to respond anyway since I'm an adult and cannot engage in these types of blowups. My best friend since tried to invite her to my bachelorette and she texted her abusive messages saying she wanted nothing to do with me and refused to come. I was so embarassed. My friends were all very shocked on the day that she didn't show up but I was so grateful for their love and support - they know I come from a dysfunctional family. Over a year has gone by and my mother keeps telling me I need to "pick up the phone to her" as she refuses to speak to me otherwise. I am enraged by this level of control - she knows my mother will be upset on my wedding day if she is not there and thus knows that the day will end up being about her and her insane negativity. She wants me to apologise, for what? Setting a boundary that I could not stay up late and asking her to drive here earlier? I feel like she would have construed this argument about anything, it was always going to happen. She was always "sick" on my birthdays and my parents would not celebrate my good grades in high school lest she feel bad about herself. I was always made to minimize and I just think I deserve one day in my life to be about me and my husband. I've had a rough life, she witnessed the abuse I went through, and she should happy I have found happiness. I'm also so mad at my mom that she is not appalled that my sister is doing this. She keeps saying she was not there and "is not getting involved" but then takes trips to see my sister and hang out with her and tells me that "actions have consequences" and I should pick up the phone to her. She has always had a "my Johnny does no wrong" attitude towards her. My mom has spent more time controlling the various strangers she wants me to invite than intervening and telling my sister this behavior is appaling.
My partner has tried to contact my sister to mediate - he is very hurt by her behavior too and for seeing me so upset by this but he grew up in a functional family and is better at not rising to things, he's being very kind to her and appealing to her as her brother in law, that he'd love his family to meet her. However she keeps saying I need to contact her despite blocking me on everything. Honestly, at this point I am so hurt that my sister has done this the year of my wedding that I have nothing good to say to her. I actually think I just don't want her there. It feels unrecoverable. The only reason I'd want her there would be so my mom does not cry the morning of. She was already upset that she was not at my bachelorette and blamed me.
My dream workplace that I'm living away from home to work at and worked towards being at since I was a kid, is also going through layoffs (second round likely the week of our wedding) and I'll lose my job soon which has been breaking my heart. I was due to be hired there permanently (I am a temporary employee) but now I have to look for new jobs and plan moving my life to a new state after my wedding. I may have no income soon. My sister has heard this through my mom and still hasn't reached out. Add to that, I have to plan a wedding while this petty nonsense is carrying on and I feel my family are not there for me. My dad is also batshit insane and shouts in public over minor things and I'm worrying about him embarrassing me on the day. My mom deals with this by drinking excessively and I'm afraid she'll be a mess at the wedding. I've been having daily panic attacks and I feel nothing but dread about our special day. My partner is a saint for dealing with the stress I'm under. It's costing us tens of thousands and it feels like a waste of money if I'm feeling this way about it. I'm so angry that my family have managed to ruin something that should be the most joyous moment of my life. I obviously am struggling to stay in shape with these extreme levels of stress and resorted to medication for this last week which had me throwing up all week. My hair is falling out. It's T-4months and although I love my partner so much (and thankfully we are already legally married) I feel like the only option to not break down in tears the morning of is to cancel it. I wish I could defy all of this and still have a great day. Does anyone have any advice or has been through a similar situation?

I just got back from doing my favorite form of exercise: Silent Disco on the Niantic Bay Boardwalk. It's not a night club, a gym, or a thing organized by someone else.
It's something that just sort of happened one late, rainy afternoon last fall. I was feeling done...helpless, hopeless. Blah. The heaviest I'd ever been. A few months earlier, I'd quit the gym I'd been a member of for 10 years. I knew I "needed to exercise."
So there I was with my headphones on and some "energizing" music playing when Queen's Fat Bottomed Girls came on.
Something happened. Something shifted. And every time Freddie Mercury sang the refrain, I joined him, out loud, with my arms pumping in the air, loud and proud:
FAT BOTTOMED GIRLS YOU MAKE THE ROCKIN' WORLD GO ROUND!
And I may have just played the song on repeat until I got to the end of my walk. To those who heard me, may your world have been rocked, even if just a little bit.
Since then it has become my thing...my happy place...my joyous expression of myself. I get myself out on that boardwalk and walk and dance and sing and laugh and smile nearly every day.
Because I am a 61-year-old woman who, in the 1980s, LOVED a good night out dancing. It was pretty much the only place I felt free to be me.
But I have no desire to go out clubbing now. And putting music on and dancing at home just isn't the same.
It wasn't until I had several Silent Disco experiences that I realized what was happening...I was being witnessed in my joy by the other people on the boardwalk, just like it felt in my 20s. Bonus: there's a set of train tracks next to the boardwalk and when the Amtrak trains go speeding by I wave and whoever is driving the train toots back! It makes me ridiculously happy.
Like many here, I have significant childhood trauma/C-PTSD (divorce, emotional neglect, violence, alcoholic parents etc.).
Like many here, my body/weight was a problem or issue for my mother (even when I wasn't "fat") and I developed binge eating disorder as a result. She projected her internalized shame on to me in the form of her critical words and gaze, and her contempt and disgust for me.
I've had to reclaim my dignity. Over and over again.
And it's funny because I am an author with several books to her name, a podcast, a blog, and a decent social media presence. I've had years of therapy, I have my own set of certifications and I've created healing frameworks for women with difficult mothers.
But I've been hiding and holding myself back. OF COURSE I have. Because being fat felt unsafe. I know for a lot of women it's the opposite.
My Silent Disco walks started before I even knew about Zepbound...I was starting to feel safer being seen on those walks.
I'm still working out some shame I experience...that I "should have" been able to feel safe no matter how much I weigh. But the truth is my body's intelligence knows better and rather than trying to fight it, I'm working with it now.
Thanks for reading :-)
​

LESSON 152. The power of decision is my own.
No one can suffer loss unless it be his own decision. No one suffers pain except his choice elects this state for him. No one can grieve nor fear nor think him sick unless these are the outcomes that he wants. And no one dies without his own consent. Nothing occurs but represents your wish, and nothing is omitted that you choose. Here is your world, complete in all details. Here is its whole reality for you. And it is only here salvation is. You may believe that this position is extreme, and too inclusive to be true. Yet can truth have exceptions? If you have the gift of everything, can loss be real? Can pain be part of peace, or grief of joy? Can fear and sickness enter in a mind where love and perfect holiness abide? Truth must be all-inclusive, if it be the truth at all. Accept no opposites and no exceptions, for to do so is to contradict the truth entirely.
Salvation is the recognition that the truth is true, and nothing else is true. This you have heard before, but may not yet accept both parts of it. Without the first, the second has no meaning. But without the second, is the first no longer true. Truth cannot have an opposite. This can not be too often said and thought about. For if what is not true is true as well as what is true, then part of truth is false. And truth has lost its meaning. Nothing but the truth is true, and what is false is false.
This is the simplest of distinctions, yet the most obscure. But not because it is a difficult distinction to perceive. It is concealed behind a vast array of choices that do not appear to be entirely your own. And thus the truth appears to have some aspects that belie consistency, but do not seem to be but contradictions introduced by you.
As God created you, you must remain unchangeable, with transitory states by definition false. And that includes all shifts in feeling, alterations in conditions of the body and the mind; in all awareness and in all response. This is the all-inclusiveness which sets the truth apart from falsehood, and the false kept separate from the truth, as what it is.
Is it not strange that you believe to think you made the world you see is arrogance? God made it not. Of this you can be sure. What can He know of the ephemeral, the sinful and the guilty, the afraid, the suffering and lonely, and the mind that lives within a body that must die? You but accuse Him of insanity, to think He made a world where such things seem to have reality. He is not mad. Yet only madness makes a world like this.
To think that God made chaos, contradicts His Will, invented opposites to truth, and suffers death to triumph over life; all this is arrogance. Humility would see at once these things are not of Him. And can you see what God created not? To think you can is merely to believe you can perceive what God willed not to be. And what could be more arrogant than this?
Let us today be truly humble, and accept what we have made as what it is. The power of decision is our own. Decide but to accept your rightful place as co-creator of the universe, and all you think you made will disappear. What rises to awareness then will be all that there ever was, eternally as it is now. And it will take the place of self-deceptions made but to usurp the altar to the Father and the Son.
Today we practice true humility, abandoning the false pretense by which the ego seeks to prove it arrogant. Only the ego can be arrogant. But truth is humble in acknowledging its mightiness, its changelessness and its eternal wholeness, all-encompassing, God’s perfect gift to His beloved Son. We lay aside the arrogance which says that we are sinners, guilty and afraid, ashamed of what we are; and lift our hearts in true humility instead to Him Who has created us immaculate, like to Himself in power and in love.
The power of decision is our own. And we accept of Him that which we are, and humbly recognize the Son of God. To recognize God’s Son implies as well that all self-concepts have been laid aside, and recognized as false. Their arrogance has been perceived. And in humility the radiance of God’s Son, his gentleness, his perfect sinlessness, his Father’s Love, his right to Heaven and release from hell, are joyously accepted as our own.
Now do we join in glad acknowledgment that lies are false, and only truth is true. We think of truth alone as we arise, and spend five minutes practicing its ways, encouraging our frightened minds with this:
The power of decision is my own. This day I will accept myself as what my Father’s Will created me to be.
Then will we wait in silence, giving up all self-deceptions, as we humbly ask our Self that He reveal Himself to us. And He Who never left will come again to our awareness, grateful to restore His home to God, as it was meant to be. In patience wait for Him throughout the day, and hourly invite Him with the words with which the day began, concluding it with this same invitation to your Self. God’s Voice will answer, for He speaks for you and for your Father. He will substitute the peace of God for all your frantic thoughts, the truth of God for self-deceptions, and God’s Son for your illusions of yourself.

Killer Grips: Anne Maria, Jasmine, Justin, Millie
Screaming Gaffers: Chase, Izzy, MK, Ripper, Scott
Episode 10: Masters of Disasters
"Last time, on Total Drama Action! The world's toughest Chef used spoons to bring out Brick's killer instinct!"
“It was no thanks to Brick that Justin and Millie had the bejeebies scared out of them. Victory seemed within reach, as Brick won the scream-off. MK won the challenge for the Screaming Gaffers by not falling for any of the Grips’ feeble attempts to scare them.”
“Just as the Killer Grips casted their votes, Brick's conscience, along with a planned push from Justin, finally got the best of him. Brick called himself out as a cheater, hopped into the Lame-o-Sine, and rode off into the sunset.”
The scene flashed to Chris walking through the lot, eventually reaching the cast trailers. "How will the contestants survive without Brick's gourmet cooking? Was it coriander or tarragon he used in that casserole? Discover all that and more in another thrilling and filling episode of Total! Drama! Action!"
(Theme Song)
The episode opened with a shot of the blue and partly-cloudy sky before quickly panning down to the craft services tent. The scene zoomed in and cut inside, showing a close-up of a bowl of roach-infested gruel. Scott took a trembling scoop of the food, pausing with wide eyes as Ripper took a bite of his own.
He immediately gagged and spat the food back out. "I never thought I'd say this, but I really miss Brick," he said. "His cooking was a massive improvement over Chef's."
On the other side of the table, Anne Maria poked her food with a spoon. "Topher cooked spaghetti and meatballs for us once, and despite it being a bit soggy, I'd eat his cooking over Chef's," she said.
“Not that I care, but why did Topher of all people make something for you and how did this all happen?” Scott spoke up from his table.
“Well, if you must know, me and Topher are currently datin’ right now,” Anne Maria revealed happily, shocking the others. “What?”
“How did you two even hook up with each other that quickly?” Scott asked in astonishment.
“Remember when we were out looking for the briefcase? Me and Topher were partners, and we had a good time being together,” Anne Maria detailed. “We also managed to have some conversations with each other at the Playa thanks to you guys votin’ us out first,” the Jersey woman added, saying the last part grumpily. “And even though we started off as friends, we developed feelings for each other and eventually became an item between TV seasons.”
“But wait. Wasn't our break from competing two weeks?” Millie asked her teammate.
“I know what you're all thinking. Two weeks is too fast for a relationship to get on board, but since we'd be separated with him not competing alongside me, we decided to get together and confess our feelings before it was too late,” Anne Maria told the contestants.
Confessional: Izzy
“I'd like to call Anne Maria's bluff to her face, but I don't think she's the type to lie about juicy stuff like relationships,” Izzy explained. “And I'd likely receive a humongous blow to the face if I straight up accused her.”
Confessional: Justin
“Well there goes my plan of having Anne Maria as an alliance buddy somewhat,” Justin moaned. “With how much she's been ignoring my affections, it's obvious that she won't commit infidelity just for me.”
Confessionals End
“So yeah. That's about it when it comes to me and Topher,” Anne Maria concluded.
“I can totally see why you two would be joined at the hip, given that you're both equally self-absorbed,” MK commented snidely.
“Watch your mouth, MK,” Anne Maria warned her and then turned to Jasmine staring down at her food. “What's got you so slumped?”
“She's still upset about the alliance Brick had with Chef before he got eliminated,” Millie mentioned.
“Oh yeah. I really could care less,” Anne Maria shrugged.
“I'm not mad about the alliance,” Jasmine corrected. “I'm mad about the fact that he kept it a secret until he quit. And this came from a guy who claimed that honor was key. How can I trust Brick after that?”
“I feel you,” Justin said. “I wouldn't be impressed if someone was keeping something very important from me.”
“Exactly my point, Justin,” Jasmine said.
“Brick did do something wrong, but he felt bad enough for it,” Millie told Jasmine. “And given how Chef is, he was likely threatened into the alliance.”
“That may be true, but I don't want to focus on this subject anymore than I do,” Jasmine said authoritatively. “I'm moving on from this.”
Confessional: Jasmine
“I don't know how Canadian boys flirt or socialize with girls normally, but if telling lies is part of it, then I may call romance flawed and superficial,” Jasmine grumbled stubbornly. “But enough after that. I have to focus on opening my dream school with the money I'll likely win.”
Confessional: Justin
“To those of you that weren't already aware, I knew that Brick and Chef were in cahoots together ever since I saw Chef hold Brick back before the beach episode,” Justin said. “I started picking up the clues more and more, and now that I've turned Jasmine against Brick, I can gain her trust for the future challenges.”
Confessionals End
Ripper then spots a cup of bendy straws next to him. “Hey, does anybody know why these bendy straws are even here?”
“Nope, but if you're planning to shoot spitballs with them, don't target me, Ripstick,” MK advised.
“You never know who I'm gonna target, Brain Girl,” Ripper said, stuffing the straws into his pocket. “I'm keeping the straws, only because they seem useful.”
“More than you,” MK snorted quietly.
"Howdy folks!" Chris said as he walked into the tent with his usual smile. "Hope you enjoyed your lunch, ‘cause you won't be hanging on to it any longer," he told them with a laugh.
"And what torture do you have for us?" Scott asked with a deadpan expression.
"Oh, nothing," Chris answered mockingly. "Just that your day will be a total disaster. Get it?" he asked the room. "It's a disaster movie theme! Y'know? Like in disaster flicks?"
A dangerous and hectic tune began as the scene flashed to Chef Hatchet running against a featureless white background. "People running for their lives from volcanoes," a magma-oozing volcano dropped down onto the scenery just barely missing Chef, "earthquakes, asteroids," a fissure formed in the ground just past the volcano, expanding towards the running man before a small asteroid just missed striking him, "tidal waves," Chef ran headlong into a large wave which crashed over him and washed him away.
The scene flashed back to a close-up of Scott and Izzy gaping in their seats, followed by a similar shot of Justin and Jasmine. "The more disastrous, the better."
Confessional: Millie
"Like we haven't gone through enough disaster already," Millie groaned. "If this keeps up, I'll have to write about how being on Total Drama is more than, if not as, dangerous than bungee jumping into a volcano without a cord!"
Confessional Ends
The footage cut back to Chris standing in front of some sort of machine console as a few deep and ominous notes were struck in the background. "Your first challenge is," he said, "the Earthquake of Inevitable Pain!" The camera moved left and out, revealing the giant playing field that had been set up outside. It consisted of a platform resting at an angle on scaffolding and several pistons with a ladder set up at the high end. On top of it were a series of obstacles arranged in two identical rows: tires, traffic cones, monkey bars over a pool of water, a large metal tube, a balance beam over a pit, and a wooden wall to the far left near the top.
"Each team has to run the course," the host explained as the camera panned across the stunned faces of the cast, "challenging your dexterity," a close-up of the tires was shown, "maneuverability," a shot of the cones was added in a horizontal split-screen, "and other mad monkey skills," he finished as the monkey bars were added to the split screen.
A flash took the scene to Chef standing on top of the ladder at the end of the course. He picked a brick up out of a sack by his side and tossed it around with a vicious grin on his face, and the camera cut back to the host. "First team to the top wins! Best out of two earns today's reward."
The camera focused on the Screaming Gaffers. "Cool!" Chase said with a sudden smile. "This'll be just like the boot camp obstacle course from the first season, only this time, I get to actually compete in it."
"The course does have earthquakes though," Izzy brought up.
"An obstacle course is still an obstacle course," Chase shook it off.
"Enough with the chitty-chat," Chris interrupted with a brief frown of his own. "Take your marks!"
Both teams were shown assembled along the bottom edge of the platform. "This is gonna be easy," Scott boasted as Chase jogged in place.
"I can't wait to swing on the monkey bars!" Millie declared happily while Jasmine limbered up.
"Aaaaaannnnd," Chris said as a few deep notes heralded the beginning of fast-paced challenge music, "Action!"
He sounded a small air horn, and the shot cut to the four Grips as they ran up the platform and immediately into the tires – Jasmine in the lead, then Justin, Millie, and Anne Maria at the end. Panning over to the Grips, Izzy and Chase were out first, followed by Scott, Ripper, and MK.
"How easy is this?" Izzy asked enthusiastically after a close-up of her easily stepping through the tires.
"Are you READY to ROCK?!" Chris exclaimed with an excited cackle before pulling one of the levers on his machine console. The pistons immediately began to extend and contract, shaking the platform and causing Izzy and Chase to stumble and fall into one another.
“If you break it, you buy it!” Izzy said playfully and laughed.
Jasmine and Justin had gotten to the beginning of the cones, but lost their balance too and Justin had to yank one of the cones off his head. Millie and Anne Maria jumped up onto the Grips' monkey bars, and the scene cut over to Chef on the ladder.
"Perfect time to get rid of some old junk," he said with a vicious grin and a dark cackle, reaching into his sack and taking out a football. He tossed it from hand to hand, then reared back and threw it at the girls on the monkey bars. It hit Millie in the face with enough force to knock her back into Anne Maria and both off the obstacle.
"My face!" Millie cried out as she fell out of sight.
Chef was shown casually throwing out several objects from his bag without looking – a kitchen sink, a bowling ball, a hammer, a rotary telephone, each with appropriate sound effects when they inevitably hit something. He paused when he took out a tiny rubber ducky, squeezing it a few times and smiling at its squeak before looking at the camera sheepishly and throwing it away.
"Are you kidding me?" MK said after the duck hit her on the nose while she was on the monkey bars.
The camera briefly cut back to Chris as he smirked and pulled the lever again, putting an end to the shaking. Izzy, Chase, and Scott were shown regaining their balance at the start of the monkey bars, and Izzy groaned in relief. "Finally, a break!"
"AFTERSHOCK!" Chris exclaimed with a happy laugh, pulling the lever again. The platform resumed shaking, causing Scott to stumble to his knees behind him.
The dirt boy threw up, and looked at the puddle of vomit with a disgusted grimace. "Why was that lunch even worse coming back up?"
"Oh yeah," Chris said with a sly look, "that reminds me. It's lava time!" he announced dramatically, slamming his fist down on a button that caused more shaking and some ominous mechanical whirs that made Chase and Izzy look around nervously.
A pair of slots opened up just past the walls at the top of the course, and a steaming red liquid poured out of them. Chef bent down and touched the liquid with his fingers, taking a quick taste. "Tomato soup?" he said with a surprised look below, where the soup was being siphoned out of a large metal drum with a tomato on the side. "That was supposed to be for supper."
With the soup already closing in on the monkey bars, Anne Maria and Justin were forced to quickly jump back up to them, while nearby Millie quickly grabbed the top of the metal tube. MK and Izzy were also shown clinging to the top of the bars for safety.
"Pheeewww, wee!" Chris exclaimed as the camera cut back to him fanning himself with one hand. "Is it getting hot in here? How 'bout a cool, refreshing, hailstorm!" The shot pulled back to show him standing on the seat of a cart-mounted gun platform which was attached to a golf cart being driven by Chef, who honked the horn with a dark grin. "Golf ball-sized hail is bad," the host said matter-of-factly as he sat down and grabbed the handles of the gun, "but, hail-sized golf balls are even worse!" He laughed and opened fire, a clear canister on the top of the large weapon feeding golf balls into it. Izzy, back on the ground, tried to dodge the balls as they dashed towards the metal tube, but the sheer number knocked her into it.
"I got one!" Chris cheered happily.
"Don't get cocky, kid," Chef told him with a smile. The host continued to fire with a vicious grin on his face, and cries of pain from nearly every castmate were heard off-screen.
"Hey, watch the face!" Anne Maria cried out before several golf balls struck her in the face, and Chris continued to shoot.
Confessional: Anne Maria
The tanned woman was now shown to be bruised from her face all the way down. "That schuck is really askin’ for a beatdown if he thinks he can bruise my body, but I still got it." Anne Maria attempted to pose for the camera, but quickly winced in pain.
Confessional Ends
The host shot off a few more golf balls, then held up a button on a cord. "After-aftershock!" he exclaimed as he pressed it, starting up the shaking once again. Izzy lost her own footing and slipped backwards into the metal tunnel. The camera panned back to the tube's beginning, where the other Gaffers were standing. To their shock, the platform began to crack and split perilously close to them.
"We have to get a move on," Ripper said.
MK ducked into the tunnel but was forced out moments later when a screaming Izzy tumbled back through it, knocking into the small woman and sending both over the edge of the crack in the platform. Chase managed to dive and grab onto Izzy's flailing arm, and the camera panned down to show that MK had managed to cling onto her teammate's legs.
"Man, did Chris go all-out with these disasters," Ripper said with worry.
"Pull us up or else I may see the afterlife!" MK cried angrily as Chase struggled to heave his teammates out of the crevice.
"Coming," Scott said before he and Ripper bent down to grab Izzy's other arm.
The scene cut to the Grips as Jasmine made her way across the balance beam, with Millie and Justin coming out of the tube and following her. Chris fired another volley of golf balls which knocked Justin off his balance, and the camera moved back to the Gaffers still at the entrance to the tunnel and also coming under heavy fire.
"We have to keep moving!" Ripper shouted while he sheltered his team. Once his teammates were in relative safety, he began to shield the entrance with his girth. “I believe someone should be yelling “fore!”,” he shot an annoyed glare at the host.
"Fore!" Chris shouted gleefully, pulling the trigger but getting nothing but clicks – he was out of ammunition. The shot cut back to Ripper, who raised an eyebrow, then shrugged and jumped into the tube.
"Chef," Chris said in annoyance, "do something!" A few beeps from the golf cart signaled the hulking man's compliance as he rapidly reversed all the way to the ladder, crashing the gun platform and Chris along with it before quickly climbing up.
He resumed throwing objects at the castmates, starting with a flower pot that knocked Millie off the balance beam just as Jasmine made it to the finish line and Anne Maria made it to the top of her team's wall.
"Hurry up. We're almost there!" Chase called to the rest of the Grips as Scott gave MK a boost over the wall. Izzy climbed down the other side, and Ripper emerged from the tunnel and narrowly dodged a blender. The rough man rushed across the balance beam to the scheming farmer on the other side.
"C'mon. I'll give you a lift," Scott told him.
“Have you seen me?” Ripper raised an eyebrow. “I'm much heavier. I'll lift you up.” He then kneeled down and held out his hands as a foothold.
“Okay, fine,” Scott accepted the boost as bricks and pliers and even a cat in a football uniform were thrown at them.
Chef viciously tossed what appeared to be some sort of bomb, though the lack of an explosion when it landed off-screen suggested it was a dud at best. Regardless, the man smiled when he pulled out the next object: a very large hardcover book. "Ahh, my unpublished manifesto," he said happily.
The dramatically fast-paced challenge music faded into something more deep, tense, and threateningly monotonous as Scott was shown hauling himself up to the top of the wall with Ripper supporting him.
"I've lived a lot of years!" Chef declared before tossing his tremendous manifesto with two hands. The music sped back up as Scott spotted the heavy book flying at him with a gasp.
The shot closed in on the manifesto, and the footage slowed down as it slammed into Scott's right arm, knocking him clear off the wall and onto his back across the balance beam. “Ugh! That hurts!” Scott groaned and clutched his right arm.
"Oh shoot!" Ripper exclaimed in shock and ran over to his groaning teammate. "Your arm is not looking fine right now."
"My editor was right!" Chef told the camera on him proudly. "My life really is dangerous."
Scott began to sit up and used his right arm for support, but then winced in pain and flopped back down with a moan.
Confessional: Millie
"Did Scott actually break his arm?" Millie asked in disbelief. "That is so unfair, even if it is Scott of all people!" She sighed and looked up. "I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did that to Chase."
Confessional: Chase
"I can't believe Scott just wiped out his arm!" Chase told the confessional camera. "And because of a manifesto of all things!" He sighed and looked down. "I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did that to Millie."
Confessionals End
As Scott continued to groan in pain on the balance beam, one of the camera men was shown approaching him for a close-up.
"Chris!" Jasmine exclaimed angrily as the shot cut back to the Grips, Chef, and Chris, the host now on the ladder and framing a shot with his hands. "Aren't you going to send the crew over to help him?"
"Yeah yeah," the host said dismissively as another cameraman walked by in front of him, "as soon as we're done getting every shot. The good news is, it looks like Scott won the challenge for the Screaming Gaffers!" He looked over to MK, Izzy, and Chase as they gave a few celebratory cheers, joined in another shot by a smile from Ripper and even a thumbs up from Scott.
"Oh no he did not!" Anne Maria exclaimed.
"Yeah," Millie added sternly. "We got our entire team across the finish line first!"
"Serious injury trumps all," Chris told them with an impish shrug.
"You're just making up the rules as you go along," Jasmine said in frustration.
Chris gave a smug look, then smiled at the camera. "I love my job!"
A close-up of a flashing red siren took over the scene, and Scott was wheeled into an ambulance on a stretcher. "The wounded Scott," Chris said dramatically as the ambulance doors shut and it drove off, leaving the four Gaffers to watch with varying levels of concern. "What will become of him?" The shot zoomed out, showing the Grips standing nearby as well looking worried. "Stay tuned to find out!" Chris said, popping up in the foreground with a grin on his face, earning a glare from the remaining castmates.
(Commercial Break)
The deep and dramatic music continued as soon as the footage cut back to a shot of a water tower, the camera slowing panning down to the film lot's waterfront area. A submarine had been suspended from the arm of a crane, which ran along the top of the screen and was supported on the right by a structure built adjacent to a dock where the cast and host stood. Two sections of the submarine's outer wall had been made transparent, allowing full view of a pair of rooms within; there appeared to be hatches on the top and bottom leading into and out of each compartment. In the water below the submarine were two inflated rafts, roughly aligned with the 'windows'.
"How's Scott doing?" Izzy asked with concern as the camera focused on her.
"Oh, Scott's fine," Chris reassured the group. "A broken bone, but it's all wired shut now. Shouldn't take more than six to eight weeks to heal!"
"Oh," Ripper said, "it's that bad?!"
"I mean," Chris quickly corrected, "he's doing fine!" None of the cast looked like they believed him.
Confessional: Chris
"That's what release forms are for," Chris whined in the confessional trailer, holding up one of the forms. "Correctamundo?" he asked the camera.
Confessional Ends
"Alright!" Chris said as the camera began to zoom out. "Now it's time for the second disaster-themed challenge." The two teams were shown to have boarded the life rafts, the Gaffers on the left and the Grips on the right. "Who's excited?"
Neither the Grips nor the Gaffers gave him any response other than an annoyed glare, and cricket chirps were heard as the camera panned from one to the other.
"Because of Scott's win," Chris continued with a smile, "the Gaffers have the advantage of getting this handy-dandy piece of paper for the second disaster challenge." He took a seemingly blank piece of paper out from behind his back, rapidly folded it into a paper airplane, and threw it over to the team who'd won it. The camera followed it as it flew through the air, passed over the heads of the four Grips, made a loop-the-loop, and eventually got snatched out of the air by Chase.
He unfolded it, showing a small string of roman numerals, and quickly furrowed his brow. "Hey, it's just a bunch of numbers! How's this supposed to help us?"
"Perhaps it's some sort of code," MK suggested after a bit of thought.
"Okay, time to get inside!" Chris announced.
"You do know that I have claustrophobia," Jasmine refused.
"Would you do it for a million bucks?" Chris asked with a sly look.
Jasmine sighed. "I hope there's enough air to last a lifetime."
The footage flashed forward, showing each team in one of the submarine's two visible compartments. "Does anybody else have a bad feeling about this?" Jasmine asked her team as her eyes darted around the room. The sound of sonar pinging in the background was quickly joined by the wailing of a klaxon as lights around the submarine began to flash red. Various shot of hatch wheels, pipes, each team's feet, and the startled faces of Millie, Ripper, and Izzy were shown.
"What's going on?" Justin asked with a hint of panic in his voice.
"It's too dark to see," Chase said. "This isn't good."
"For this challenge," Chris announced over intercoms in each room, "you've gotta get out before it's too late."
"Too late for what?" Millie asked as the footage changed to a monitor feed of the Grips, the camera pulling back a few other monitors next to it showing close-ups of Ripper, Chase, and MK. Chef was sitting in front of them inches away from the camera, looking back at the monitoring console out of the corner of his eyes.
"Oh, you'll find out," Chris told them with a laugh as Chef nodded.
The viewpoint shifted to show the host and his assistant sitting at a table playing cards in the control room. "Pick up two," Chef said, placing a card on the table himself as the handsome host drew another pair.
"You mind cranking that lever?" Chris asked, and his hulking associate quickly complied.
As soon as the lever was pulled, water began to flow heavily through a network of pipes, causing them to drip at various joints. More ominously, water started pouring into the submarine's compartments via a grate in the floor. It quickly began to pool around Justin's feet, and he looked down with shock and unease.
"What is that?" he asked worriedly.
“This is just great," Anne Maria said. "The one person who would've been able to break us out of here had to quit!"
"Well, Brick's not here," Jasmine panicked as she began trying to look around the poorly-lit room. "If we start to drown, not only will we be trapped in here, but we'll die!"
The scene flashed to Ripper trying to turn a hatch wheel on the wall to no avail while Chase stood nearby. "We're stuck in the dark, the water is filling up the place, and one of our teammates is stuck in the infirmary," Chase recapped. “How much worse can this get?”
"The water is freezing?" Ripper replied. "How are we supposed to bust out of this sub?"
"No worries," MK told him. "I've got great night vision. Side note, the things I do sometimes occur at night." She noticed a cardboard box sitting on a nearby table, and opened it up with a grin. "This should help!" she said, taking several flashlights out of the box and turning them on.
"Let's get to work everybody!" Izzy whooped as she caught the light that was tossed to her.
The scene cut to Jasmine and Millie attempting to open two of the wall hatches without success.
Jasmine was focused on as she tried to force her hatch wheel to turn. She gave another grunt of exertion and slipped, falling forward into the Grips' cardboard box. "Brilliant!" she exclaimed in delight, holding up the flashlights she'd accidentally discovered. "Okay cobbers, let's get our heads in the game!" she declared, tossing each of her teammates a flashlight.
"Hey, I think I found something!" Anne Maria said as she shined her light on the ceiling hatch.
"Same here!" Millie added as she illuminated the floor hatch. "This could be the exit!"
The camera cut to a close-up of Chase turning the dial on the floor hatch while Izzy stood behind him shining her light down on it. "Bad news," he said as he finally let go, "it's a combination lock!"
"The numbers on the paper!" Izzy said immediately. "That must be the combination!"
"Oh yeah," Chase said blankly, taking out the crumpled-up note for MK to snatch it and shine her light on it.
Ripper walked up to the AV girl. "Go on, techmaster. Tell us the numbers," he told her expectantly.
"Give me a second," MK replied in annoyance as she flipped the note upside-down and back again.
"We don't have a second!" Chase said in rising panic, the water already up his legs and nearly covering the floor hatch.
"It's either...," MK squinted, "3-1-11-3-6-2," she rattled off before flipping the paper again, "or 2-6-3-9-1-3. It's hard to tell with this bad handwriting."
"Well, get cracking already!" Ripper demanded.
“Guys, now's not the time to fight right now,” Chase reminded them.
MK crouched down by the dial and groaned after looking over it for a second. "These numbers are tiny! Somebody give me a light."
"I'm on it," Izzy told her, shining an extra light down on the dial. "Now which number are we going for first?"
"Let me double check," MK told her, taking the note back out of her pocket only to accidentally lose her grip on the note. MK groaned and picked up the now soggy and unreadable note out of the water.
Confessional: Izzy
“If today's my last day in this world, I'm thankful that I'm not surrounded by loons,” Izzy told the viewers. “Well except for Ripper, but he's not risking all of our lives.”
Confessional Ends
The scene flashed over to a close-up of the Grips' dial as Anne Maria turned it back and forth and her teammates watched in silence. The water rose above her head and she came up. "This ain't working!" she said in frustration. "I can't figure out the combination with the water rising up!"
"How about we boost each other up there?" Millie suggested, her light shining on the ceiling hatch.
"Worth a shot," Jasmine shrugged. The Outback girl held out her hands to give Justin a foothold, boosting him up onto her shoulders before Millie climbed up them to the top.
She strained to reach for the hatch, but it was still too high up. "Almost…there!" As Millie spoke, she made another attempt at reaching out, but only managed to cause the three to lose their balance and collapse into the water.
"Now what?" Justin asked in annoyance just before Anne Maria emerged from the water.
"What are you all doing?" she asked them.
"We were trying to open the door on the ceiling," Millie said. "And how are you able to stay underwater for that long?"
“My lungs are waterproof, duh,” Anne Maria answered. “And if we're gonna use the hatch up there, let's just wait for the water to reach us to that point.”
"Does anybody else have a plan to get us out?" Chase asked his teammates, all four floating idly in the water.
"Of course!" Izzy exclaimed. "We forgot about that hatch!" She pointed to the ceiling hatch with a grin, and with the current water level was able to grab onto it along with Ripper.
"Open sesame!" Ripper bellowed out as he and Izzy pried the hatch cover open.
A shark stuck its head out of the opening with a roar, and the two Gaffers who had opened it quickly closed it again, eyes wide with shock.
"No good. Any other ideas?" Izzy said, backing away from the hatch slowly.
"I got it!" Jasmine grunted as she forced the wheel of the ceiling hatch to turn, and when it finally opened, she immediately shrieked and slammed it shut when a jet of fire came forth from the opening. "That wasn't safe at all!"
The scene cut to the control room, with footage of the Grips continuing what they'd been doing on the monitors.
"Fire, huh?" Chris said with a hint of nervousness. "Don't you think that's a bit much?"
Chef shrugged.
Confessional: Chef Hatchet
"Seriously, I'm just not in the mood!" Chef told the confessional camera angrily. "Busting my hump for a bunch of snot nosed…" He slammed a fist onto the table, scattering a few make-up brushes. "Don't I deserve a little me time?"
Confessional Ends
Close-ups of Jasmine, Izzy, Justin, and Anne Maria were now being shown on the monitors, each one looking with dread at the water that was now up to their necks or shoulders.
"Really, it might be time to end the challenge," Chris said with rising concern. "The water's getting pretty high, and, uh, those kids are terrible swimmers!"
"Focus!" Chef shouted. "I want my chips back," he said calmly, pointing to a tall canister on the table, "I'm starvin'." He casually tossed a single chip into his mouth.
"This is getting serious," Chris told him. "Tur-turn off the water!"
Chef reached for the lever, but it quickly snapped off in his hand, and Chris gasped. "We've gotta get the cast out of there!" he said, standing up in panic. "Simple formula! No more contestants equals no more episodes equals no paycheck, and the end of my luxurious lifestyle!"
"I don't want them to die anymore than you do," Chef said after dropping the broken lever and shuffling their deck of cards, “but the lever is broken, so it's up to them to rescue themselves.”
A shot from just below the surface of the water showed the Gaffers treading it.
"If we make it out of here, the first thing I'm gonna do is break Chris for endangering our lives," Ripper told the team and pulled out the bendy straws from breakfast, “and that's gonna happen thanks to these straws!”
“Why didn't you whip those out earlier?!” MK reprimanded.
“I obviously forgot about them, but I still remember the numbers,” Ripper rolled his eyes and stuck one straw to another. “Now do you want to complain or survive?”
“Alright! I'll help you make a snorkel,” MK took hold of the straws. She watched Ripper put a straw into his mouth and sink underwater, prompting her to stack one straw after another as he sank.
The footage cut back to the control room where Chris was watching the Gaffers with tense worry. "Brilliant!" he said with relief. "Ripper's gonna save the day! Once the hatch is open, it'll drain the water out of both the rooms, and I'll still have a paycheck!" He quickly hugged Chef, who'd been playing cards by himself and looked annoyed at the sudden contact.
An action song began to play in the background as Ripper got to work turning the handle with a serious look on his face. Chris was shown watching nervously from the safety of his control room.
The clip moved to shots of the Grips submerged in water with only their heads surfacing, and Chris was shown covering his eyes in fear and anxiety, peeking out just long enough to gape.
MK kept putting more straws onto the snorkel as the water rose up. "Come on, Ripper!" Chase cried out as his head began to sink. "There's not much time left!"
A shot of the top half of Izzy’s head staying afloat was presented, and as Ripper turned the handle in opposite directions, he adjusted his snorkel before resuming his progress.
Chris was tensely biting his nails while Chef was calmly playing solitaire. However, Ripper got to the last number of the combination, and after yanking at the hatch, it flew open. A large cloud of bubbles briefly covered the screen, and when they dissipated, Ripper signaled his team to get out, and he took off the snorkel and swam out the gap with Izzy, MK, and Chase following after.
Back in the control room, the background music came to an end as Chris started to celebrate. "Wooo-hoo-hoo! Yeah, mmm, mmm!" He cheered, doing a joyous dance around the room while Chef watched in annoyance and ate his chips.
The scene cut to the Grips as their compartment's water drained out and they were left soaking wet.
“Does this mean…” Justin began to wonder.
“Yes. We lost,” Anne Maria looked down in disappointment.
A flash took the scene to a close-up of a roaring fire outside the cast trailers. It was now dark out, and all eight who had competed in the second challenge were furiously sitting around it in bathrobes, the Grips on the left and the Gaffers on the right.
"Well, that was a pretty exciting day, huh?" Chris told them as he walked past the glaring Grips. "Looks like another reward win for the Gaffers. Seems like the Grips are a tad overdue. But," he paused to laugh, "I wouldn't hold my breath!" Jasmine and Millie glared at him and his pun.
"And now let's see what the Gaffers have won!" Chris said once he stopped laughing, pulling a card out of his shirt. "Ohhh!"
The shot flashed to Chef in his sparkly pink dress standing in front of a curtain that was quickly pulled back to reveal a scene of a city on the water, with mountains in the background and a totem pole in the fore. "An all-expenses paid trip to beautiful British Columbia!" The shot flashed again, now showing a close-up of a small cabin bathed in red light and steam, an odd and low bubbling noise in the background. "That's right, you'll be staying at the luxurious inn, 'On the Volcano'!" The camera pulled back, revealing that the cabin was indeed located so far over the mouth of an active volcano that it looked like it would fall in at the slightest provocation. "A charming lodge, teetering on the edge of a little-known active volcano, on Vancouver Island."
The Gaffers looked at him with a mixture of anger and disbelief. "To get you there," the host continued as the scene flashed to Chef, dressed in a traditional German costume and accompanied by an unseen yodeler, hiking up the side of a mountain. "You'll be enjoying an exhilarating eight-day hike up the craggy, treacherous-"
Both the host and the various background sounds were interrupted by a record scratch and an angry outburst from Chase. "No way!"
Confessional: Chase
"We were actually going to drown back there!" Chase said in the confessional. "These producers are insane if they want us to stay at a volcano."
Confessional: Ripper
"I was going to give Chris a thrashing, but after some careful consideration, I realized that it could get me kicked off the show,” Ripper explained and smiled arrogantly. “And there's no way I'm leaving without lording over the fact that I saved everybody's lives over their heads.”
Confessionals End
"We'll just take some snacks and drinks for our reward," MK told the host. "And make it a stash."
"Suit yourselves," Chris replied, putting the card back in his shirt pocket. "More money for my end-of-the-year bonus!"
Confessional: Izzy
"Okay, I'm not above covering myself with poison ivy, but there's no way I'm gonna go on a vacation after I almost died," Izzy confessed with rare fury. "That's just extremely messed up."
Confessional Ends
MK and Ripper clinked soda bottles together as they, Izzy, and Chase enjoyed their reward at the picnic table outside the rebuilt craft services tent. The camera quickly panned to the left past the sulking Grips, and stopped on Chris walking alongside Scott. The redheaded boy's right arm had a sling, and he was looking rather miffed.
“Remember when I said I'd sue you in the first season? That was just an empty threat,” Scott angrily whispered, frightening Chris a bit. “If this was an elimination episode and I got the boot, I would do so as soon as I got home. I have an uncle who's a lawyer.”
"Umm…" Chris whispered to him timidly, "please don't. I promise to get you compensated for your broken arm as soon as possible."
“Okay,” Scott looked at Chris suspiciously. “I'll go celebrate with my team, but you guys better provide me with benefits or you and Chef are getting a lawsuit.”
“Enjoy!” Chris regained his happy demeanor after watching Scott walk off. "And with that, we are at the end of another awesome episode. What disaster lies in store for our teams next time?" he asked the camera with a smile. "I'm your host, Chris McLean, asking you to tune in, turn on, and find out right here on Total! Drama! Action!"
(Roll the Credits)
(Bonus Clip)
“Look at all the food we won,” Scott demonstrated what was on the table - soda, chips, chocolate bars, marshmallows, gumballs, and crackers. “Why offer us a disaster themed vacay when we can just stuff our faces in?” He took a gumball with his left arm and swallowed it in his mouth. “But that doesn't mean I'm letting my injured arm go. Those guys were the ones who broke it, not me. And if I'm not treated at all, charges will be pressed on them.” He then blew a bubble, and after it got too big, the bubble exploded and the embarrassed teen had his entire face covered in gum.
Eva - 14th
Geoff - 14th
Izzy - RETURNED
Trent - 12th
Sky - 11th
Brick - 10th
Killer Grips: Anne Maria, Jasmine, Justin, Millie
Screaming Gaffers: Chase, Izzy, MK, Ripper, Scott

I am one of only 2 ex-members who have felt less happy and empty after leaving. It seems that most feel happier when leaving because they viewed/felt the church as an oppressive force they liberated from and can now live as they feel designed to. I never felt the church was oppressive. I lived it and loved it. Since leaving 7 years ago I feel no direction, no target or standard to achieve. There is no measure of when I am “enough” or “good”. So over time I began to feel lost and besides myself. I left when I had recognized there is no need for religion as religion is a structure telling you that you are sick/broken but that religion is the one who also has the cure. Even though I truly believe religion is not the necessary vessel for happiness and we are pure and beautiful as we are somehow I still can’t feel peace, happiness, or joy after leaving while everyone else effortlessly did. I had continued to believe in god and afterlife for years until 3 years ago doubted in god (the Christian god) but do believe in some universal energy that is god-like. So I guess I’m somewhere in between agnostic and nihilism and it is difficult to feel purpose and meaning in this space. This lack of purpose does exacerbate the plight I’m in. I feel so stuck in the weirdest middle ground that nobody else seems to experience. Going back is not an option. But I see no forward option like I’m at the end of the road in a cul de sac loop.
Unlike religion where life is really in the afterlife and everything in the now is preparing for this future; real life is right here in the now and without a future destination, which is all I’ve known, then life for many years has felt dull, colorless, aimless, rewardless, unnoticed by others, empty, a meaningless distraction, void of joy, a series of attempts to pacify and enjoy. I miss that bright beaming feeling of pure joy that came when you felt you lived the gospel right and as God wanted you to. I recognize the flip side of living religion and receiving this joyous state also comes with the unnecessary despairing guilt and shame when you don’t live correctly.
So one attempt to conceptualize the source of joy I looked into the “formula” of the gospel to see where joy/fulfillment really came from. I don’t believe God snaps his fingers and injects joy and peace and other good feelings into us. I truly believe the feeling is generated internally. Somehow when we “did what we were supposed to” we subconsciously gave ourselves permission to feel joy/peace/etc. I believe most this self-given permission feels like it was given by god because we were expecting the blessing or reward of peace/joy/etc for being obedient or worthy of god gracing us. Beginning to disbelieve god is interesting because then you go down a intellectual rabbit hole serious of questions with the framework of: “if this, then that”. You wonder IF there isn’t a god THEN what provided the sense of feeling the spirit all those times or how you received peace, blessings, or guidance during administering a priesthood blessing with flowing words which weren’t my own. I received all those things when I was active but if there wasn’t actually a god providing all that then where did all those blessings/rewards come from? The self. We really are powerful, god-like, and creators. One thing doctrine does have right is that we are gods and clearly many of us did generate our own blessings and rewards, and peace and plethora of good feelings from within. So I know this sense of joy/peace/fulfillment is can be sourced and generated within the self but for some reason post-religion I am unable to fabricate this sense of these well-being feelings. BUT WHY NOT NOW???????
What reasons can you think keeps me from feeling those good feelings? I have a few theories but mentioning now might skew your creativity as you are thinking into your mind for possibilities. I am genuinely wanting to gleam from the collective community here (but would share my theories in replies or dm).
•I sincerely seek anyone’s ideas, intellectual, or perceptive possible reasons why I have not been able to feel happy, purpose,fulfillment, or joy after leaving 7 years ago.
•I’d also really feel so happy to hear from others here what helped you find purpose, happiness, and fulfillment after exiting the church? If it was a process please share. How many others experiences this emptiness after?

M (22) - I've been feeling a lot of anxiety lately all from the stress in school and all the pressure in life. I seem like a very chill person outside of my room even though i feel anxious most of the time and Im just always hiding it with a straight face. But when im all alone anxiety kicks in. I really have no one to talk to about this I don't have friends anymore and they wouldn't understand anyway. I used too be a fun and joyous person i dont know what happened as I grew older I became more fearful and my overthinking became frequent.
I like to stay in my room as its the only place I feel safe nowadays. But even so I still cant help and think about my problems sometimes I would cry and feel sad out of nowhere. Recently I had thoughts about strangling or choking myself whenever I feel anxiety and I continued to do it I dont know what came to my mind but its weird that it helps me to calm down. I know its bad to do self-harm but i dont know what came to my mind to do it.

I wish that you would be brave enough to ask me why I stepped away from you. That you would summon up your courage again and ask those questions that I know are burning you alive.
I wish you had the bravery to ask me what you really want to know. I know you won't, and I can't offer you comfort with my honesty unless you do. I wish I could tell you what you need to know, but are too afraid to ask. I want to feel that relief of baring my heart and soul to you, finally.
So I'll say it here. Yes, I love you. I love you for who you are, who you have been and who you will be. I love you for your gentleness, your kind soul and your joyous spirit.
Yes, I dream about the smallest things that would be enough for me. Resting my head on your chest, holding your hand in mine while we walk, running my hand over your cheek to show you how much I care.
Yes, I am scared. I am terrified of the overwhelming feeling that you are my person. That you have the potential to hurt me in a way that no other has. I have been destroyed and put myself back together in the past. With you, if I gave myself to you fully, there would be no coming back.
Yes, I have felt this way the entire time. It has never wavered. I lied. I had to.
Yes, I've missed you. I miss you the second we are apart. I could spend hours and hours with you, seeing that smile, hearing that laugh. I would spend a lifetime with you, learning more about you everyday.
Yes, I would give you all of me, if only you would ask.

Honestly was bracing for some negative reactions.
I turn 40 next week, partner is 41. We each have 3 from our previous marriages so this will be baby 7 between us.
Existing kids are 9, 12, 13, 13, 16 and 21.
Because of our ages and having had a rocky patch at the start of the year, we were completely unsure of the reactions we would get. Only reliably happy one was my daughter (12) who has long been vocal about wanting a sibling.
Waited until after dating scan (was last Fri) and over the weekend and this week we have been making the rounds giving the news to everyone. Expected at least a couple of "you are mad" type comments but have a full house of positive and joyous reactions.
Only slightly negative was from his ex, but I think she will always still hold a flame for him and, as a Mum myself, I can understood the complex emotions behind your children gaining a sibling that you arent a parent to. I definitely dont have any residual feelings for my ex husband and I would struggle just with my kids gaining a family member I am not a party to. She does have some feelings still on top of that so I can totally understand her struggling with the news. She is also perpetually broody so, yeah, complex emotions at play but even so, it is clear she is trying to be on board with it, which I fully respect.
Anyway, I was just so worried about the news not landing well and have so much joy and relief at how well baby is already being embraced and needed to just "say it aloud" so to speak.

Okay so I’m still in the midsts of questioning my gender, and I explained in a post previously that I never grew up with explicit gender dysphoria, but never felt the connection between myself and my body (more details here https://www.reddit.com/asktransgendes/aORhhFvkNA ). So I have now begun to experiment. For the first time, I decided to try a bra. I read that some people felt euphoric and were able to confirm their identities while wearing one. And I was afraid of doing this because I was worried that I’d end up actually giving myself major dysphoria if it shatters my world view of who I am. But I gave it a shot and decided to look in the mirror to face myself. And honestly? I didn’t really feel anything. I didn’t feel pure joyous euphoria, but it didn’t necessarily feel wrong either. It just felt like “oh cool this is a new experience”. I haven’t taken it off yet and I’m still wearing it as I type to see if maybe something deep inside me will spark but honestly it kinda just feels like it’s there and it doesn’t really irk me at all. It’s kinda of comfortable tho so some positives at least. Maybe it’s because it’s kinda hard to see a feminine physique with my body shape? I’m a little chubby so I don’t really notice the craziest difference while wearing a t-shirt. The one thing I did learn however, is that it defintely didn’t feel wrong or bad, it just felt like a new experience
Idk is this normal for anyone? Do I need to experiment more? Or is this just a sign that I most likely am not trans.

So I posted something similar to this on the AskTransgender subreddit hoping to get some advice. And in the last few days, I've started spiraling down a hole a lot, and I'm starting to question my identity as a person a lot too. I'd like some advice and help from others here who might feel similarly, or can tell me if how I'm feeling aligns with gender Dysphoria or not.
This is uh also a slight rant too BTW so it's long.
To preface this, I never once stopped to question if I'm a boy or girl growing up. It never bothered me at such an extent, and my personality wasnt too feminine or masculine for the most part I feel, maybe leaning towards more masculine. I liked boy things I liked sports, I liked action, I liked being rowdy, but I also liked being artsy, very caring towards those I live, I preferred just making friends with girls even at a very young age rather than either doing the whole 'Boys vs girls' thing and I never really cared about entering a relationship with one. And I used to always be able to socialise well with both men and women, there was never really a huge difference for me when I was younger. As I got older, I did begin to feel like an outcast but that’s more because I’m a lil weird and no one really vibed with me as everyone matured. But despite that, I never once stopped to question my personality and I was proud of that.
But I never thought of myself as a 'Boy' per se. I was aware I was one, I am still aware I am one right now. But I never really associated my gender with who I was as a person, to me it had no weight on who I was. It was more or less, just an accessory and felt seperate to me. And despite that, All my life I've resented taking pictures and doing video calls. Everytime I looked at mine I always was disturbed because the person I saw wasn't who aligned with my own perception of myself. Everytime I look into the mirror I almost have to stand there and convince myself 'That's me, that's who you are, you ain't that bad'.
There are defintely parts of me I don't like but if I'm being honest, I haven't ever had a vehement hatred of anything about myself. It's not that I consider myself ugly (I don't consider myself a conventionally attractive man. In fact I don't think I ever received a compliment for how I looked, not even family, only jokes and contempt. but it really never bothered me because I know everyone's got a type for something and I truly don't care how I look to other people, just how I look to myself) but it's the fact that the person I see in the mirror, the person I see in pictures and the person I see in video calls just, doesn't align with the person I envision myself as. Everytime I'm away from my my reflection or photo, I don't even know what I look like from memory, and I never envision my body alongside my inner self if that makes sense. And it's confusing it's really confusing for me. Because it's not that it has that dramatic of an effect on me because hey as long as I don't see myself then who cares, but it started to bother me after I started deciding to dress and style myself to try to form that connection. I'd grow out my hair more, try out my own clothes (all still masculine by the way, I never trudged my toes towards feminine clothing), but I just never was able to see who I envisioned. And what's more confusing is, I don't know if it's because of my body or my gender or if I'm over exaggerating it because of having unrealistic standards
But the kicker is that recently, I have had way too much time to myself. And because of all that time, I've done some introspection and I realised, I am someone who:

1. has never cared about their appearance/clothes, just threw on what was comfortable for the longest time. Because in the end I used to never feel like it looked good anyways.
   
2. has never cared about working on myself for others or how my overall face or body looks, because to me i never had a strong enough connection between me and my body to really care about how my body reflects me, because I always used to believe that 'oh my body doesn't represent my personality, people should look beyond it'.
   
3. has always hated photos, video calls, hell even reflections until recently. I built up the mantra over time that 'oh everyone looks bad in front of a camera' but sometimes it physically hurt to be reminded that how I look, is in no way reflective of how I feel.
   
4. realised now, I think I've been jealous of my female cousins (who I am incredibly close with) my whole life. I'm really similar to one of them and I always used to think 'if I was a girl, I'd prolly be like her', except she was much happier and appeared more confident in her attire and body, so I always wondered why I could never be like that. And I've always envied how they could rock their styles so awesomely (which, can I say what in the fuck why do women get a billion options and men get the same flavour of t-shirt and pants with different ranging colours from Navy, Grey and blue? ?), how they could freely experiment with their hair as much as they want, how it felt like they were more in tune to their body than I was in mine
   
5. has been able to disassociate myself from my body a LOT as a kid. I used to think I was doing this for fun, because it was such a weird experience when I was younger. But I used to dissacociate myself from my body a LOT, and I'd be able physically be able to discern myself from my body it felt like a true out of body experience. I never thought about this a lot as a kid, but recently I've started wondering if there's something more beyond that. Because I do have a seperate monologue, I dont associate my body with myself, everytime I look into the mirror there's a minor surprise of 'OH right, that's me' and I have been experiencing this a lot now recently, but out of my control. And come to think of it, I don't even know if I really feel connected to my body at all even during daily life. Because all of my memories feel out of body. Idk how to explain it fully im sorry
   
6. has had some fantasies I'm uncomfortable sharing but I will say, I've researched a bit and even read the Gender dysphoria bible, and I will say that there's a chance those fantasies might be indicative of something too.
   
7. never felt strongly about pronouns and feels like my gender is just an accessory. In fact I used to experiment and wonder when I was younger during covid in other discord servers (I was bored okay) how it would feel to just change my pronouns and act as NB or a girl or she/they, he/they etc. And all, all of them felt equal to me. I didn't mind being called any of them. I thought I'd get like a lil fun joke of 'hehehe I'm going undercover muahahaha' but I kinda enjoyed it at times it kinda felt nice not having a gender tied to myself. It's just me.
   
8. tends to prefer playing women in games. Not just video games, but even TTRPGS (Dnd my beloved). This isn't always the case, I do like to play as the guy sometimes too, and I used to always do it in pokemon games to feel like I was the trainer himself. But these are games I can't really control the design of. So, enter BG3 and DnD. Games largely built on this idea of creating your own custom characters to tell stories and inhibit fun personalities. So yeah anytime I actually got to make my own character in games like these, always women. Like once was it a man, but usually always women. Closest I really got was a shapeshifting genderfluid changling, who also preferred more feminine pysiques anyways. And before I get called out for 'Oh you just are attracted to the bodies of women that's why you like them' youd be partially right, but also all of my Dnd characters I built upon traits of myself, I like to insert a lil bit of me into all of them. And most of those traits I give to female characters because it just feels like it embodies them the best... It feels like it embodies these traits of mine the best.
   
9. I did used to think 'what if I was a girl' every now and then when I was younger up. In none of these thoughts did I imagine myself acting any more feminine than I do now, and never thought about sex change or relationships, but I did think about 'maybe I'd be more comfortable to be in a girls body, because then I'd be able to actually show myself through my hair, style, colours etc as opposed to this one'. Granted, my primary frame of reference was my cousins again. I would never change my personality, I think i actually would've enjoyed growing up as a girl but I dont think I'd act any less boyish than now, but I would feel more comfortable with my feminine traits too. And I'd be so comfortable exploring my style and fashion too. I'd go through them all, goth, street, tomboy, artsy, you name it id try it. And I'd defintely would experiment with my hair as much as I could too because oh my God you women have the most fun hair options ever and then guys just have 'short, short but skin fade, short but it's an inch longer so we call it long, short but it's to the side so it's different, bowl cut'
   
10. I live in the moment. I have diagnosed adhd and I'm starting to suspect maybe a little ASD too. Idk if this will be relevant in the slightest, but because of that I don't really stop a lot to think in the present, nor do I look into the past that much or think about my future too hard. Which has been a detriment to my life at times, and unsurprisingly it's one now, because I feel like all this time, I never really stopped to think about why I never felt that connection, and maybe if it's even normal for there not to be one. So I don't know if this has been a much deeper issue than I thought for years, and I truly an unable to understand how to plan my future with this.
    

And I thought this was just body Dysmorphia. Again I never hated my body outside of being shown it, and if I looked in a mirror long enough I could usually trick myself into liking it. But I used to be very fat, I used to have a really awful looking haircut, I have a huge ass nose and I have a shit ton of body hair that grows back so so fast (and I mean a lot of body hair I do not like it even as a dude), and I've never had clothes that gave off my style, always stuff my parents picked out.
But it can't, just be body Dysmorphia can it? I've taken steps to try to rectify these feelings so I've lost a lot of weight, I've grown out my hair to something I actually like, I've started to experiment with clothes i actually like more. And now when I look in the mirror I see.... A more attractive version of my body. No connection, no me. Just a more attractive version of my body. In fact the only feature that felt like me, was my long, messy, wavy hair, and it's actually the only part of myself I'm extremely particular of now, because it's the only thing I feel connected to. And it's weirdly, the only part the people around me want to change the most. Want to neaten it or shorten it etc.
And that's when I started to wonder. That's when I started to wonder why, after all that work, do I not feel that connection. Why do I still feel weird seeing photos of myself. Why have I started to wonder if I was always uncomfortable in my body, but never understood the reason why. Why is it, that I feel as though women are able to express themselves better than men ever could? Why is it that I feel envious of my cousins at times, despite loving them with all my heart? Why have I begun to wonder, if maybe, just maybe, there's a chance I'd have felt more myself, in a woman's body, than in a mans body.
IDK maybe this isnt a conventional experience that anyone shares, maybe this isn't Dysmorphia at all but I'm hoping to get some perspectives here. Because I don't think I hate being a boy all togrthrr. There are aspects I dislike, sure, but I never out right hated it. But I do feel a disconnect. Hell I don't even like the idea of face revealing to close online friends, not out of fear of being perceived as being ugly, but because I enjoyed being faceless so much since I could envision myself how I wish, without them having a vision of what I actually look like. I know they'd never judge me at all and my closest friends are trans too, so they'd of course would never judge me if I were to show them. But I just, enjoy not having to worry about my body not reflecting me.
Part of me has always thought 'What if I was a girl? What if I had less hair? What if I had a different body type as a boy? What if I had better fashion?would I feel the connection then? Is the connection even that important?' and it never helped that I don't even have any role models that represented me physically in anyway, and it doesn't help that when I try to imagine who I envision myself as now, I can't even decide on what to envision. I wish I had that body connection Because without it, it feels harder to want to show my personality through my body.
And that's the kicker now. I don't know if I wanna commit to either option either??? The ideas of HRT and obtaining a more feminine physique, face and hair sounds amazing. But I would be lying to you if I said I didn't like some aspects of being a boy too. I like the social ease of being a dude, I liked certain parts of me (I would never consider SRS, I like that part of me), I liked the strength and sometimes even my powerful frame and there are some times where I do actually feel comfortable expressing myself as a dude, and I do sometimes see myself in the mirror. but there are times where I think I would've preferred to have a woman's body, and to be able to explore all of the awesome fashion designs, to feel closer to my female friends, to be able to look directly in the mirror at my body and hopefully, see myself. Hell maybe ideally I woulda liked to be just androgynous because then that's pretty much the best of both worlds you’re able to present yourself however you want.
And that's my main fear. My main fear is that I don't know if I'm Cis with just a lotta issues to work through, Trans but too afraid to take the leap, or Bigendegenderfluid, because if I had shapeshifting powers or the ability to switch between genders at will, my God I would be so happy because I like both extremes, but as I am now I am way too masculine to even be able to switch genders to make myself see a female face (I wanna emphase myself because I do understand that you don’t need to pass to affirm yourself, however I'm very critical of myself passing because to me, gender has always seemed like an accessory. Not something that embodies you, but something that reflects you. So I don't want to end up giving myself more dysphoria if I end up failing to recognise myself more).
(This part is new, I just tried this out today) I did try wearing a bra for the first time to see how it felt, and if I’d get any sense of dysphoria or euphoria from it to see if maybe I am trans. But largely? I didn’t really feel anything. It didn’t feel joyous and euphoria but it also didn’t feel wrong, it just was a new interesting experience. So uh, still confused on what’s up then.
I'm so sorry that this became long as hell to read. I don't even think I worded it out half as precisely as I would've liked so I'll write a lil tldr.
TLDR: I don't know if I'm a dysphoric Cis male, a closeted Trans woman, genderfluid/bigender, or just insane at this point. And I'm scared that if I choose to explore outside of cis, I'll get more dysphoria
Any and all questions are welcome. I'd probably be able to explain myself more to one of yalls questions, than try to explain myself here anyways. I know no one can decide their gender but themselves, but I guess I want some perspectives and ideas on if this does relate to trans/genderfluid stories, or if maybe I do need to just do some more introspection.

Hello there,
I’m a nearly 32-year-old man from Iceland, living with a physical disability that means I use a wheelchair most of the time, though I can walk indoors. I'm writing this post from the heart, hoping to find a meaningful connection.
I've tried both local and international dating sites with little success, so perhaps Reddit can be my last hope. For a long time, I felt undeserving of love because of my disability, but I've come to realize that love transcends physical limitations. I’m a hopeless romantic who cherishes staying awake with my partner until they drift off to sleep.
Here’s what brings me joy:

• Driving with a good friend or enjoying a beautiful view
• The stunning nature of Iceland
• Video games, one of my few accessible hobbies
• Football, a long-time obsession
• Binge-watching action or fantasy TV shows
• Enjoying action movies and exploring various genres
• Pillow talk and those meandering, joyous conversations
• Music, especially metal, though I appreciate other styles too
• Tattoos and piercings; I have four tattoos and plan on more
• Animals are a must; if you're not into them, we probably won't click
• Voice calls are my thing, so hopefully, you’re into that too
• And yes, I enjoy anime

Who am I? I am loyal, patient, passionate about my interests, and eager to share yours. I consider myself caring, nice, and humorous—but you'll have to be the judge of that.
While I'm content on my own, life feels more fulfilling with someone special. It’s not just about living, but living meaningfully and sharing that with someone. I want to explore the world and cherish those experiences with a loved one.
About you: Ideally aged 24-38, you should value kindness, understanding, and a good sense of humor. A penchant for dark humor is a plus. Physical traits aren’t my main focus, but I do find a soft voice and a shorter stature charming. (Lines up well with the height of the wheelchair)
Ultimately, I’m searching for someone who can laugh at life and themselves. Looks matter, but personality resonates more deeply with me.
I'm still defining my ideal partner; maybe it’s you. If you want a glimpse of me, just ask. I prefer chatting on platforms like Discord, given Reddit’s clunky messaging.
If you’ve read this far, thank you—you’re already a hero in my eyes. Let’s see where this could go?
Thanks for reading, and have a wonderful evening! I’m curious to see what this post might bring.

Hello there,
I’m a nearly 32-year-old man from Iceland, living with a physical disability that means I use a wheelchair most of the time, though I can walk indoors. I'm writing this post from the heart, hoping to find a meaningful connection.
I've tried both local and international dating sites with little success, so perhaps Reddit can be my last hope. For a long time, I felt undeserving of love because of my disability, but I've come to realize that love transcends physical limitations. I’m a hopeless romantic who cherishes staying awake with my partner until they drift off to sleep.
Here’s what brings me joy:

• Driving with a good friend or enjoying a beautiful view
• The stunning nature of Iceland
• Video games, one of my few accessible hobbies
• Football, a long-time obsession
• Binge-watching action or fantasy TV shows
• Enjoying action movies and exploring various genres
• Pillow talk and those meandering, joyous conversations
• Music, especially metal, though I appreciate other styles too
• Tattoos and piercings; I have four tattoos and plan on more
• Animals are a must; if you're not into them, we probably won't click
• Voice calls are my thing, so hopefully, you’re into that too
• And yes, I enjoy anime

Who am I? I am loyal, patient, passionate about my interests, and eager to share yours. I consider myself caring, nice, and humorous—but you'll have to be the judge of that.
While I'm content on my own, life feels more fulfilling with someone special. It’s not just about living, but living meaningfully and sharing that with someone. I want to explore the world and cherish those experiences with a loved one.
About you: Ideally aged 24-38, you should value kindness, understanding, and a good sense of humor. A penchant for dark humor is a plus. Physical traits aren’t my main focus, but I do find a soft voice and a shorter stature charming. (Lines up well with the height of the wheelchair)
Ultimately, I’m searching for someone who can laugh at life and themselves. Looks matter, but personality resonates more deeply with me.
I'm still defining my ideal partner; maybe it’s you. If you want a glimpse of me, just ask. I prefer chatting on platforms like Discord, given Reddit’s clunky messaging.
If you’ve read this far, thank you—you’re already a hero in my eyes. Let’s see where this could go?
Thanks for reading, and have a wonderful evening! I’m curious to see what this post might bring.

Hello there,
I’m a nearly 32-year-old man from Iceland, living with a physical disability that means I use a wheelchair most of the time, though I can walk indoors. I'm writing this post from the heart, hoping to find a meaningful connection.
I've tried both local and international dating sites with little success, so perhaps Reddit can be my last hope. For a long time, I felt undeserving of love because of my disability, but I've come to realize that love transcends physical limitations. I’m a hopeless romantic who cherishes staying awake with my partner until they drift off to sleep.
Here’s what brings me joy:

• Driving with a good friend or enjoying a beautiful view
• The stunning nature of Iceland
• Video games, one of my few accessible hobbies
• Football, a long-time obsession
• Binge-watching action or fantasy TV shows
• Enjoying action movies and exploring various genres
• Pillow talk and those meandering, joyous conversations
• Music, especially metal, though I appreciate other styles too
• Tattoos and piercings; I have four tattoos and plan on more
• Animals are a must; if you're not into them, we probably won't click
• Voice calls are my thing, so hopefully, you’re into that too
• And yes, I enjoy anime

Who am I? I am loyal, patient, passionate about my interests, and eager to share yours. I consider myself caring, nice, and humorous—but you'll have to be the judge of that.
While I'm content on my own, life feels more fulfilling with someone special. It’s not just about living, but living meaningfully and sharing that with someone. I want to explore the world and cherish those experiences with a loved one.
About you: Ideally aged 24-38, you should value kindness, understanding, and a good sense of humor. A penchant for dark humor is a plus. Physical traits aren’t my main focus, but I do find a soft voice and a shorter stature charming. (Lines up well with the height of the wheelchair)
Ultimately, I’m searching for someone who can laugh at life and themselves. Looks matter, but personality resonates more deeply with me.
I'm still defining my ideal partner; maybe it’s you. If you want a glimpse of me, just ask. I prefer chatting on platforms like Discord, given Reddit’s clunky messaging.
If you’ve read this far, thank you—you’re already a hero in my eyes. Let’s see where this could go?
Thanks for reading, and have a wonderful evening! I’m curious to see what this post might bring.

after almost 3 and a half years, many drops and restarts of the novel, today on this day, 29th May 2024, I have completed 2334 chapters.
one would think to call it a joyous day but in the end i'm only left with a sense of emptiness...
i have witnessed true peak.
Seeing FY experiencing ups and downs along with me fr,
FY such a great character, after countless endeavours, GZR suprising me everytime with such deep scheming, fooling even the readers, many times the series left me speechless.
especially book 4 and 5 and their killer endings 💯.
i regretted not reading this earlier, but then again i noticed i had skipped ovr so much in my initial readings, this series definitely deserves to be given proper time to digest fully.
its heavy themes and how lightly the main character takes it, but then you have the sudden bouts of inspirational stuff he does, the legends of ren zu coming in with life lessons and morals, etc
after years of reading trash, i can definitely say reverend insanity is a cut above the rest.
and that is to say it lightly.
i can't fully put into words how i'm feeling after reading this novel right now but all i want to say is that it will be my favourite and for a long time to come at that.
i definitely feel i've relieved myself of one burden now though and feel like i can finally focus myself on my goal in life 🙏
so many characters, going through so much, with their unrelenting spirit, i honestly resonated with many quite a bit.
in total i took about almost 285hours and every single one of those hours was worth it, even though i killed so much of my sleep for this.
but yeah I don't have a real conclusion to this post but yeah.
(i reinstalled reddit just to post my halff assed thoughts even though don't have enough time right now 😭🙏)

I recently turned 50 and thought I would share with the community some of the habits that have helped me to live a simpler life. At the very least I’m writing this down for my own benefit. I by no means have it all worked out but I do feel I have made some progress on my journey, as well as having made many big mistakes and experienced setbacks along the way. I fully appreciate that many things are easier said than done and that there is no one size fits all solution. This is a bit of a long waffle but there is no short way to say it.
Money matters
Get out of all debt as soon as possible, even if as soon as possible is realistically a decade or longer. This is the number one thing that you can do to simplify your life in every day terms. Beat down loans and credit cards balances with furious vengeance. I spent 19 years in service of mortgages and only recently paid off my modest forever home. The difference that it makes to one’s peace of mind is astounding. I feel such as sense of peace and freedom knowing that I don’t really have to care about money that much anymore. I am by no means wealthy but I am now financially comfortable.
How you manage money on a daily basis is a core habit that will hugely inform your general financial outlook. Many small outgoings can add up to a huge outgoing over time. I appreciate that this advice is not helpful if you’re financially struggling but I would hope that most people are able to pull themselves together financially over the long term.
Obviously, try to save money for the unknown that is the future. It’s boring, takes a long time but again it gives one a huge sense of security and peace. Equally, don’t be so focused on living frugally that you forego what you consider to be the good, important things in life.
True needs & fleeting wants
Make a budget that allows you to live reasonably well, but still somewhat below your means and get to know your true, essential needs from your fleeting wants. Yes, it’s exciting to buy nice clothes or fancy gadgets but due to hedonic adaptation the thrill soon subsides and the question “what next?” will always arise until one is able to make some fundamental change in attitude and behaviour in relation to materialism.
What is a need and what is a want is going to be hugely different depending upon your personal circumstances. For me, those fancy mohair socks are a true need and I’m happy to spend the money on them even if other will raise their eyebrows. On the other hand I own very few clothes compared to most people and what I do buy tends to be good quality.
Looking at my weaknesses, I have always loved books and their pull is incredibly strong, but after much reflection I have learned to mostly say no to endless new books. I learned to say no by deeply reflecting upon my true values. It is hard work, a road that goes through a not insignificant amount of mild suffering but ends with peaceful acceptance and understanding of what “enough” truly is.
Cultivate a meaningful daily routine
One’s daily routine is a keystone habit that sets the general tone of life. What you do every day is actually your real life even if appears to be entirely banal. Your real life is not the big tickets trips or special events. Cultivate your mind and your body to the best of your ability, as if they were precious plants. They will thank you later. This does not mean running ultramarathons or going on 3 month solo retreats.
I try to implement simple, easy to follow routines such as going to bed and getting up at the same time every day. I go for a walk in all but the very worst weather. I listen to a mindfulness talks and reflect upon how I can further cultivate my behaviour and ways of thinking and acting. Again, the point is that the little, somewhat boring habits add up to very big changes over time.
Believe in something bigger than yourself
I would describe myself as agnostic or atheist yet I have found it hugely beneficial to cultivate a sense of awe and wonder in my relationship with the natural world. For me, the world is trees, grass, wildlife, the sky, and the rivers and oceans, not shopping malls or luxury resorts. I try to find beauty in the mundane and contemplate its meaning in relation to what it means to be a human being. It's hard to explain. I have also found a great sense of wellbeing in trying to practice ethical mindfulness and meditating. I am by no means as Buddhist but practising the eightfold path has been so helpful to me. Anyway, find something that’s a big deal and engage whole heartedly with it.
Learn how to use the internet & live mostly offline
The internet is a great curse and immense blessing in equal measure. Do not make the internet the centre of your world and put all of your eggs in one basket by irrevocably tethering all of your life essentials to it e.g. have multiple ways to pay for things, not just your phone. It's tricky because there is a lot stuff that's simply more convenient and corporations are pushing us to things that make them money at our expense. I appreciate that there is strong social pressure on younger people in relation to online habits and social interactions.
Learn how to use the internet in ways that serves your essential needs and which improves your life in significant ways. There is a lot of good stuff out there. Learn what does not serve you and firmly say no to it. Recognise that it is hard to do so and that it takes time to unplug and unlearn bad habits. Judging where to draw the line is an exercise in trying and failing until you are successful.
Big corporations are not our friend, they don't want to make use feel better or improve society. Well, they might in some abstract sense but mostly the attention economy thrives on endless pairs of eyes doom scrolling in order to make money.
One can mostly opt out of all of this. It is an incredible struggle but it can be done if you can manage to connect with your true needs and realise that much of the good stuff in life happens offline. Leave your phone at home when you go out. Most of the time nothing bad will happen. You do not need to plug yourself into headphone, screens or document everything 24/7. It is ok to see something cool and not take a photo of it, and it's ok not to share things.
Read / listen to books
There is nothing like reading or listening to a good book to enhance one's emotional life, sense of empathy and perspective of the world. Fiction is surprisingly much more useful than non-fiction or self-helps books in this respect. I have learned so much from reading good literary fiction over the years and I am immensely grateful to the artists who have opened my eyes to the complexities of the human condition.
Cultivate a few good relationships
I have left the most important thing for last. I’m average to below average looking, significantly introverted and have suffered the effects of a serious congenital birth defect that ravaged my body and which made my early life challenging in many respects. It is something I will never be entirely free from.
Yet, for all that I was still able to find a life partner and a couple of good friends because it’s ones inner qualities that carry the weight of a relationship over the long term. You don’t need to be pretty or handsome to find good people, even if that accidental quality superficially opens many doors. While it’s enough to be oneself, it’s important to put in the work to smooth off a few one's more glaring shortcomings and to amplify one’s natural gifts as good relationships do not endure by chance. Sure, they may start by chance, but won't flourish unless effort is put in.
When I was much younger, very much hampered by my early life troubles, I had contemplated what it would mean to be alone over decades, and while I was in many ways fine with the prospect, it would be lying to the deepest part of myself to say that I would be entirely content to live alone with a cat. I admire the concept of the enlightened sage living along in a cave, or in a cabin in the woods, yet for myself that is only a romantic dream whereas the reality would be a subtle form of torture.
Good, enduring relationships are an important part of life for many people. Like truffles, they are a valuable thing that’s hard to find. At the very least you need one or two good friends and the ability to keep them. Relationships involve real emotional toil, being vulnerable and open, which can be joyous and painful in equal parts. Love your partner, friends, family and children as much as you can every day. I have learned that it is necessary to keep learning, growing, and knowing more about ones emotions, temperament, and both good and bad qualities in order for relationships to flourish. People don’t stay the same after all, which is mostly a good thing.