Photos of jillian michaels before she lost weight

I know it was your first relationship. At 28, you had already been through so much, having been on your own for 13 years. You were forced to grow up too fast, and had to prioritize yourself, building a life from nothing. I get it. It was your fierce independence that made me fall for you in the first place.
I always knew that trying to build a life with you was going to be a struggle. I thought it would be worth it, for both of us. You deserve to have someone in your corner, that always has your back. You shouldn’t have to be alone. I don’t know if you believed the same.
I think I gave up too much of myself for you. Was that my mistake or yours? Did you really ask for too much, or did I give too freely without expectation for anything in return? Maybe both. Probably more on me. I’m not perfect by a long shot.
Compromise. It really does all come down to that. I tried to show you its importance, but in the process I ended up being the only one willing to do it. Me getting to pick what movie we watched or getting to plan a date became something I only got to do on special occasions. You said you felt like you didn’t know me, but so many times in so many ways I offered up little pieces of me to you. I share myself by sharing the things I love with the people I love. But more and more towards the end, all you’d say was “no”. Ignoring any context. Ignoring those pieces of me.
I know you don’t like movies about kids. I know asking to watch Home Alone during Christmas was a big ask. But it was a tradition that I shared with my dad, who I lost just over a year before. I know you think that traditions are pointless, but it was important to me. My earliest memories are of that. I needed to continue on, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it alone. I needed you there, your support. It was such a small gesture I was asking of you, but all I got was “no”. Instead we watched a movie you picked: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. A movie made by the exact same people that made Home Alone, and with even more kids.
We wanted to go to Ireland. Personally I’ve been wanting to go for years, but couldn’t because of my dad’s illness along with everything else going on. You knew that in the last 3 years I lost all of my grandparents, two uncles, my dad. I couldn’t risk going so far away for so long while everyone was sick. My mom saw me giving up the latter half of my 20s for my family, when she was hoping I would be enjoying life and seeing the world. That’s why she was happy to give us the money to have the trip of our dreams. I explained all of this to you while you were struggling to find a way to save for the trip. All my mom wanted in return was a single nice photo of us. That wasn’t even a requirement for the money. She just wanted to see me with the person that I love making our dreams come true. I know you hate having your picture taken. The only attention your dad ever gave you was when he wanted to test a new camera. It’s a trauma trigger. But I was only asking for one picture. You’d compromise for your friends, you’d compromise for your sister. You’d take pictures with them. Why wouldn’t you compromise for your partner, and the other most important person in your partners life? After a year, we have 3 pictures together, none of which are very good. I know that I was asking for a lot, but I felt so less important than everyone else in your life. Maybe you felt that as your partner, I was to be held to a higher standard? I honestly don’t know. All you said was “no”.
You admitted yourself I was so supportive. I always prioritized you. From always making your tea before mine, to giving you the better looking plate at dinner, to planting all of your favorite flowers in my garden. I always complemented you, how smart you are, how beautiful you are, how driven and independent you are. Your friend needed a ride to a 5k and someone to cheer them on? I was there. You needed someone to drive you around while your car was in the shop for 2 months? No problem. Accidentally overdrew your account again, and you couldn’t afford the late fees? Here’s $50. Need to move on short notice? I’m the guy tearing apart and moving your furniture. You have a migraine so bad you can’t eat? I’m bringing you pedialyte and sleeping on your couch, even though I didn’t actually get any sleep. I learned all your rituals so not to trigger your OCD. There are countless other examples. I never said no. I never complained. You rarely said so much as “thank you”.
The big one. The thing that ended us. You’re right, we did sit down like adults time and time again and talked things out. You said you needed me to anticipate your needs. You’d get overwhelmed, and couldn’t articulate what you needed from me. You couldn’t stand being asked what you needed. You just needed me to start helping. “Mental loads” and all that. I took that to heart. But I’m not perfect. Sometimes I’d miss the mark. Tried to support you, but in the wrong way. Even in my failures I showed effort, but you never seemed to see that. You only focused on how I failed.
We recognized that this was a problem caused by both of us. The communication wasn’t getting through. But I had already adapted to your communication style as much as I could. My exited, rambling, almost impulsive way of generating ideas became slow, methodical, thoughtful. I put intention behind everything so not to overwhelm you. I learned not to jump at the obvious solution.
Yes, we sat down like adults and talked things over time and time again. You told me what you needed from me, but I also told you what I needed from you. If I was missing the mark, please just guide me to what you needed. I’m not a mind reader. I did it for you all the time. You were honestly awful at anticipating my needs too. If I was venting, had a bad day, all you’d say was “I’m sorry”, and pat me on the back like a puppy. No effort to dig deeper. No words of support or encouragement. So I had to show you how I needed support. I just needed you to do the same for me. “No”. Again.
One final time, I sent you words of support when you were having a bad day. It wasn’t enough, you wanted more. A phone call? For me to come over so you could vent in person? Did you actually want me to directly help for once? I don’t know. You never told me. Instead of guiding me to what you needed, you immediately shut down. Full silent treatment. I’ve been in abusive relationships where the silent treatment was welded as a weapon. I know you didn’t mean it in an abusive way, you were just overwhelmed again. But I never expected it from you. I didn’t see it for what it was. I only ever asked one thing from you to save us. I put in the work, got us 80% of the way there. I knew I couldn’t bridge the gap on my own. I wasn’t even asking you to put in effort on my behalf, it was for your benefit. I begged you time and time again for help. To communicate. Not to put it all on me, because I couldn’t do it on my own. But instead, you did the opposite.
You said that you felt like you were putting more effort into the relationship than I was. I’m sorry, but I can’t see that effort. I’m trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but I can’t. Maybe you mean you put effort into forgiving me every time I messed up? Maybe you mean that you were always planning dates, always picking what we watched, where we went, what we ate, what we drank? Again, mental loads and such. But I had things that I wanted to do and share with you that you always turned down. You only had to plan everything after my plans were rejected. It would have been more efficient for you to show love, patience, and compromise. Maybe we would have worked out then.
But you left instead.

For context, I’m a 25yo female, that comes from a mixed background (my mother 56F is a white woman from Italy, my father is from the Balkans and migrated to my country when he was younger). This is relevant and you will understand later.
I moved away from home as soon as I could when I was 18 after a not so good childhood, and currently live in another European country. My parents are divorced, my father is not really in the picture, I keep in touch with my mother on a daily basis and come visit her and the rest of the family once or twice a year. We never had the best relationship but since I moved out it improved a lot. I’d say we get along better when I’m far away from home.
Anyway, back to the reason of this post. I’ve been seeing this guy for more than a year, he’s great, we’re slowly getting to know each other and see where this is going. We are not in a rush but of course this is a relationship and I felt it was time to tell something more to my mother. I’ve always been quite open about my relationships and people I was dating, however since getting older I started being more private as I don’t think it would be good to mention every failed date to my mother (lol). We come from a typical small town where people are bigots and close-minded. The news on the tv are constantly complaining about “immigrants coming to our country” and jadajadajada. The government is right wing. So yeah, being racist is almost the norm, unfortunately.
I didn’t really mentioned much about this guy, first of all cause I’m trying to keep it private but also because I could imagine her reaction, since she’s the standard average middle age woman that you find on Facebook without much culture. She is ignorant not as an insult but in the real sense of the word: she ignores, she doesn’t inform herself and just believes whatever the media tells her.
The day after I arrived we were casually talking before bed and she just kept asking “C’mon, don’t you have a pic of this guy? Show me! C’mon c’mon! I’m your mother!” so, one side of me didn’t wanna show her, the other one was excited cause at the end of the day I’m proud of my relationship and I was happy to tell her more (maybe naively hoping for a good outcome…). So without thinking much I showed her one of the best pictures of him. Literally in the millisecond while I was showing her the picture she said something like: “hope it’s not a n****” (WHATTT???).
At that point the phone was already on her face. It was done. She said it, and at the same time she saw the picture. She was speechless and I was too. I was ashamed of her. And sad.
She didn’t say anything more for the following 10 minutes, she went to her room and I went to mine. Afterwards she just asked “does he even work?!” And I told her “don’t worry about it, he’s better off than the both of us” just to make her shut up about that question that I found so disrespectful. This made me just so sad, and disappointed.
But the worst had yet to come. We didn’t speak much about it at all until today.
We were having a casual conversation during the afternoon when the relationship topic came out. In particular, we were talking about how your partner should improve your life and not making it worse, meaning he should make you happy, he should bring good positive vibes, get along etc. that’s what I was thinking and referring to. But she started being very materialistic, she asked me “so, in which way is he improving your life?!” in a very aggressive sassy tone “I don’t see anything changing“ she said. I was mentioning that he makes me happy when the conversation degenerated. All sort of things came out of it.
She started by saying:
“well, I truly hopes this will be just a friend and you will keep it like that”
then she continued with:
“please take birth control precautions before you regret it”
“don’t come to me later saying I didn’t stop you”
and the cherry on top was:
“I would have preferred if you told me you were a lesbian cause at least that is cool nowadays”.
I was speechless and I still am.
I asked her what is it that she doesn’t like and what is she basing her opinions on, since she literally knows nothing about him. She couldn’t answer. She kept repeating the same things over and over and she also said she would never want to meet him.
I have to mention that the few guys she met that I was dating were of different cultures, but she never had a problem with them, I guess because the skin color was the same… and in her mind there are probably foreigners of Class A, B, C…
I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I neither expected such a bad reaction.
All this hurts me so much.
I don’t know what to do.
In my mind it neither makes sense cause she married an immigrant but it seems like she never really came to terms with it, she never really accepted it. For instance, I know nothing about my father’s culture, I never learned the language or interesting facts about it because nobody ever thought me anything about it. I only learned about my mother’s culture, the one of the country I lived in. And I always felt out of place because this country is extremely racist. The fact that my father was not a good husband or father has nothing to do with where he comes from. If a person is an idiot, is an idiot no matter what. And I told her this when we were talking. The fact that she had a bad experience doesn’t mean that I will, just because I’m seeing someone from a different culture. I also explained to her that I am myself an immigrant, since I’m living in another country. But it doesn’t seem to click in her head. And when I told her, to her face, that she is indeed racist, she obviously denied it, because how can she be racist if she married an immigrant herself?
And of course during today’s conversation there was some victim behavior on her side, because every time I come back here it’s certain that we are gonna fight and every time it happens I say stuff like “let’s see when and if I will come back again!”. So she was bringing that up cause the other day I said “the first racist comment I hear I’m gone”. She mentioned that, saying I don’t care about her, that she has to beg for me to call her (mind you, we write good morning, good night, text here and there during the day and we talk on the phone 3/4 times a week…). She even said that “she lost me already the moment I left”. Honestly, I don’t know what else more than this she expects from me if what I do is not enough already.
I don’t really know how to handle this. And I’m also just venting and need some support. I wished we could all act as adults, respect each other, have a normal relationship. Am I asking for too much?!
Any advice is highly appreciated.
I’ll be stuck in her house for the next two days and I’ll leave on Thursday. I want her to think about her actions and realize where she did wrong before I leave. I don’t wanna put this under the carpet cause it’s unacceptable and will never forget it.
TL;DR: my 25F mother 56F doesn’t approve of my boyfriend 28M just because of the color of his skin and his religion. Her opinion is based solely on a photo I showed her and at the same time she plays the victim and claims she lost me the moment I moved abroad and I don’t care about her even if we talk everyday. I wished there was a way to behave like adults. Advices on setting boundaries?

The cat distribution system chose me about two weeks ago now. She is an itty bitty calico who was found with an abandoned litter of 4 out her kittens who are about two weeks older than her. When we took them to the animal shelter, the other four older kitties all had ringworm and she did not. Since she is so small, she is not technically adoptable so the clinic registered me as a foster, and gave us all the supplies we could need to help her make it through. They said her chances were 50/50. We brought her home and tried formula on this severely underweight kitty until we brought har back to the clinic three days later and they advised us to switch to wet food. She finally started gaining substantial amounts of weight (20 ish grams a day) and she was getting stronger and more confident. She had urea scald on her entire underside and arms and legs. And I think that’s what allowed the ringworm to have space to expand quickly. I was checking her daily with the black light and until Saturday night we didn’t see any glowing, just crusty skin that seemed to be healing from the scalding. We took her back to the clinic on Sunday. They gave us oral medication for her and O2 pure oxygen shampoo and told us to bring her back next weekend to weight her and tooth brush culture again. She’s on a 5-week regimen (on a week, off a week of the oral meds) and two baths a week. She’s been sequestered to the bathroom and I just feel terrible. I live in a small apartment, just a living area, bedroom, and bathroom. There’s no windows in the bathroom. She’s completely isolated and I’ve tried to make it cozy for her in there with interactive toys (plastic and can be disinfected) and washable mice toys. I have another cat as well and before the ringworm popped up the kitten had been set up in the living room in a blue kitty pool with blankets, litter box, heating pad and food/water so she could at least be a part of life. My older cat mostly stayed away. And would observe hesniff near her occasionally. My spouse and I spent the entire day cleaning on Sunday. Bleached the floors, lysoled the couch and carpets. Washed all of the pillows, blankets, bedding with disinfecting laundry detergent. This morning I was cleaning the bathroom, changing out her blankets, the floors, counters, etc and scratched my arm. I noticed a circular flakey patch and it’s disheartening. I’m really hoping my mature cat doesn’t get this as well. I lost my job last Monday, so I have the time to be home and take care of her, spend time in there with her, and clean. My spouse is on an extended work trip for the next month at least. I’m supposed to move at the end of July and I know this can be quite the extensive process and it’s just all hitting me. I just would love to hear any tips any of you may have, as well as success stories to give me some hope getting through this. I just feel so guilty that she’s alone and we can’t cuddle like we did before (probably how I have myself ringworm lol) and i don’t want this to change her adorably loving personality. Thanks in advance.

I know it was your first relationship. At 28, you had already been through so much, having been on your own for 13 years. You were forced to grow up too fast, and had to prioritize yourself, building a life from nothing. I get it. It was your fierce independence that made me fall for you in the first place.
I always knew that trying to build a life with you was going to be a struggle. I thought it would be worth it, for both of us. You deserve to have someone in your corner, that always has your back. You shouldn’t have to be alone. I don’t know if you believed the same.
I think I gave up too much of myself for you. Was that my mistake or yours? Did you really ask for too much, or did I give too freely without expectation for anything in return? Maybe both. Probably more on me. I’m not perfect by a long shot.
Compromise. It really does all come down to that. I tried to show you its importance, but in the process I ended up being the only one willing to do it. Me getting to pick what movie we watched or getting to plan a date became something I only got to do on special occasions. You said you felt like you didn’t know me, but so many times in so many ways I offered up little pieces of me to you. I share myself by sharing the things I love with the people I love. But more and more towards the end, all you’d say was “no”. Ignoring any context. Ignoring those pieces of me.
I know you don’t like movies about kids. I know asking to watch Home Alone during Christmas was a big ask. But it was a tradition that I shared with my dad, who I lost just over a year before. I know you think that traditions are pointless, but it was important to me. My earliest memories are of that. I needed to continue on, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it alone. I needed you there, your support. It was such a small gesture I was asking of you, but all I got was “no”. Instead we watched a movie you picked: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. A movie made by the exact same people that made Home Alone, and with even more kids.
We wanted to go to Ireland. Personally I’ve been wanting to go for years, but couldn’t because of my dad’s illness along with everything else going on. You knew that in the last 3 years I lost all of my grandparents, two uncles, my dad. I couldn’t risk going so far away for so long while everyone was sick. My mom saw me giving up the latter half of my 20s for my family, when she was hoping I would be enjoying life and seeing the world. That’s why she was happy to give us the money to have the trip of our dreams. I explained all of this to you while you were struggling to find a way to save for the trip. All my mom wanted in return was a single nice photo of us. That wasn’t even a requirement for the money. She just wanted to see me with the person that I love making our dreams come true. I know you hate having your picture taken. The only attention your dad ever gave you was when he wanted to test a new camera. It’s a trauma trigger. But I was only asking for one picture. You’d compromise for your friends, you’d compromise for your sister. You’d take pictures with them. Why wouldn’t you compromise for your partner, and the other most important person in your partners life? After a year, we have 3 pictures together, none of which are very good. I know that I was asking for a lot, but I felt so less important than everyone else in your life. Maybe you felt that as your partner, I was to be held to a higher standard? I honestly don’t know. All you said was “no”.
You admitted yourself I was so supportive. I always prioritized you. From always making your tea before mine, to giving you the better looking plate at dinner, to planting all of your favorite flowers in my garden. I always complemented you, how smart you are, how beautiful you are, how driven and independent you are. Your friend needed a ride to a 5k and someone to cheer them on? I was there. You needed someone to drive you around while your car was in the shop for 2 months? No problem. Accidentally overdrew your account again, and you couldn’t afford the late fees? Here’s $50. Need to move on short notice? I’m the guy tearing apart and moving your furniture. You have a migraine so bad you can’t eat? I’m bringing you pedialyte and sleeping on your couch, even though I didn’t actually get any sleep. I learned all your rituals so not to trigger your OCD. There are countless other examples. I never said no. I never complained. You rarely said so much as “thank you”.
The big one. The thing that ended us. You’re right, we did sit down like adults time and time again and talked things out. You said you needed me to anticipate your needs. You’d get overwhelmed, and couldn’t articulate what you needed from me. You couldn’t stand being asked what you needed. You just needed me to start helping. “Mental loads” and all that. I took that to heart. But I’m not perfect. Sometimes I’d miss the mark. Tried to support you, but in the wrong way. Even in my failures I showed effort, but you never seemed to see that. You only focused on how I failed.
We recognized that this was a problem caused by both of us. The communication wasn’t getting through. But I had already adapted to your communication style as much as I could. My exited, rambling, almost impulsive way of generating ideas became slow, methodical, thoughtful. I put intention behind everything so not to overwhelm you. I learned not to jump at the obvious solution.
Yes, we sat down like adults and talked things over time and time again. You told me what you needed from me, but I also told you what I needed from you. If I was missing the mark, please just guide me to what you needed. I’m not a mind reader. I did it for you all the time. You were honestly awful at anticipating my needs too. If I was venting, had a bad day, all you’d say was “I’m sorry”, and pat me on the back like a puppy. No effort to dig deeper. No words of support or encouragement. So I had to show you how I needed support. I just needed you to do the same for me. “No”. Again.
One final time, I sent you words of support when you were having a bad day. It wasn’t enough, you wanted more. A phone call? For me to come over so you could vent in person? Did you actually want me to directly help for once? I don’t know. You never told me. Instead of guiding me to what you needed, you immediately shut down. Full silent treatment. I’ve been in abusive relationships where the silent treatment was welded as a weapon. I know you didn’t mean it in an abusive way, you were just overwhelmed again. But I never expected it from you. I didn’t see it for what it was. I only ever asked one thing from you to save us. I put in the work, got us 80% of the way there. I knew I couldn’t bridge the gap on my own. I wasn’t even asking you to put in effort on my behalf, it was for your benefit. I begged you time and time again for help. To communicate. Not to put it all on me, because I couldn’t do it on my own. But instead, you did the opposite.
You said that you felt like you were putting more effort into the relationship than I was. I’m sorry, but I can’t see that effort. I’m trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but I can’t. Maybe you mean you put effort into forgiving me every time I messed up? Maybe you mean that you were always planning dates, always picking what we watched, where we went, what we ate, what we drank? Again, mental loads and such. But I had things that I wanted to do and share with you that you always turned down. You only had to plan everything after my plans were rejected. It would have been more efficient for you to show love, patience, and compromise. Maybe we would have worked out then.
But then you left.

Before I start, this story is long, and I'll repeat myself a lot; my first goal is to get what's inside me out and vent, so please be patient and if you respond be respectful, please.
I (29M) came out of the closet about two years ago, but living in the environment I live in, I couldn't be as open as I would have liked until recently. During that time, I lost a lot of weight and gained confidence in myself, which made it easier for me to open up to the world that interested me. I'm not someone with much experience when it comes to sex, but I've had my adventures, mostly with women, but once I accepted who I am, my experiences shifted towards men. In recent years, I've had fleeting relationships and two relationships that lasted more than four months, but in recent months, I've been puzzled by a situation I've had to live through, and that's why I'm writing this here, to see if the perspective of strangers helps me clarify my thoughts a bit.
I don't consider myself ugly; I can even be attractive, both physically and in personality, but insecurities have affected me since I was very young. This story begins in September of last year when I started working at a new company. The workgroup consists of about 30 colleagues, some of whom I knew from before. But the story focuses on a guy (32M), let's call him Stephen. I must mention that he didn't attract me at first; he's not my physical type. But around November, as I got to know him, I was attracted to his personality, which surprised me because I'm usually a very superficial person (I know I need to work on that), and it's not very common for me to be attracted to someone because of their personality.
Over time, I formed a very close group of friends, who told each other everything that happened in our daily lives, so it was only a matter of time before I mentioned to them that I was attracted to Stephen. The three colleagues, Anna (37F), Violet (36F), and Lily (20F), were happy for me and told me that the interest seemed mutual because they thought the guy was getting very close to me. I liked that because I had already noticed that the jokes or comments I made to him received the same response, or at least he played along.
We reached December, we organized a dinner with some colleagues, and both he and I attended. By then, my colleagues had been pressuring me a lot to tell him something, but since we only had a relationship at work, I didn't dare to take the step; it didn't seem right to me. I also mentioned my situation to my friends, who could give me another point of view, but they all told me that not seeing the relationship we had made it difficult for them to evaluate it. I must mention that all this was happening while I was seeing another guy, John (27M), in a stable relationship for 6 months.
At the dinner and at the after-party, Stephen didn't leave my side. If I went out to smoke, he came out with me even though he doesn't smoke; if I had a drink, he accompanied me to the bar. My colleagues were ecstatic because they saw that this was the night something was going to happen. Well, it didn't. Between my relationship with John and the nerves of the moment, I didn't dare to do anything. But I already saw clearly that with those ideas in my head, the relationship with John was unfeasible; he was no longer my priority. We broke up during the following week.
I was already going all out for Stephen; I was attracted to his personality, to what he could offer me in a relationship. The week before Christmas arrived. We had a one-week break from work, and I didn't want to leave with doubts on vacation. On Tuesday of that week, I went to talk to him about the subject, determined, but when I started talking, I saw that we weren't alone, and I didn't dare to continue. I didn't dare again until Friday; he insisted that I finish saying what I had to tell him, which excited me even more because in my head, what I wanted to tell him seemed obvious.
Friday came, the last day for me to tell him something. When there was an hour left to finish the workday, I saw that we were alone, and I approached him. I was very nervous, I even stuttered, but I practically told him that I found him a very interesting guy and that I would like to get to know him outside of work, to which he responded that he was flattered but that he was not homosexual. It crushed me. I tried to disguise it by saying that he had become a very important support at work and that I wouldn't want this to ruin that relationship; he accepted it.
I left there as quickly as possible, holding back tears as best I could (yes, very teenage everything). I met up with my colleagues and told them what had happened. They supported me, but they kept saying that they didn't believe Stephen, that the relationship we had wasn't just friendship. I didn't give importance to that; at that moment I just wanted to forget what had happened. It was one of the toughest Christmases I've ever had. My family didn't know anything, my friends outside of work didn't understand it, and my work colleagues kept insisting that I needed to clarify things even more with him. My head was spinning.
I decided that I was going to fulfill what I said to Stephen, that the work relationship would continue as it had until that moment. The first week was weird and tough, I won't deny it, but I handled it quite well. I insisted that my colleagues avoid the subject, but it was impossible not to see the looks every time Stephen and I talked. Over time, we've returned to jokes, and although there's attraction on my part, I've come to understand that nothing will ever happen between us. Or so I thought. The last month I've had abrupt changes in my life. My grandmother died, I started dating Parker (33M), I got promoted at work, and I moved out on my own. It's important to mention, I think, that Stephen was my superior, and now, with the promotion, he's my immediate superior, I have to answer to him. So we spend much more time together, and we've come to know each other more intimately. I know about his problems with family, his friends, his plans for the weekend... But he never talks to me about relationships. We have a colleague who lives in the same city as Stephen, who has known him for years, and my colleagues, being the gossips they are, interrogated her about Stephen, and she managed to find out that he has never had a known relationship, nor has he had relationships with anyone, which surprised us all because, even though he's not my type, he's an athletic and quite attractive man.
Meanwhile, physical contact has emerged; he touches my shoulder when speaking, he hugs me when greeting me in the mornings... That was what I was missing. Just when I was rebuilding my life after the Christmas fiasco, to doubt again because of physical contact, once more when I was in a relationship that seemed perfect on the surface. More doubts on the subject. I had been with Parker for three months; I met him at a party with friends, in early February, falling back into the same old mistakes, focusing on the physical and then on the personality, luckily we were compatible, until feelings for Stephen surfaced again. The relationship faded, literally, no sex, no affection, no compatibility. My work colleagues didn't accept Parker, they were still insisting on Stephen. We come to yesterday, I broke up with Parker last week, and I really felt bad because it seemed to me that I was making the same mistakes as with John, obsessing over a relationship that didn't exist, that I had already received rejection for. But I moved to my new house, perfect for me, and liked by everyone, even Stephen. Today I received the comment that led me to speak here. I have organized a dinner next weekend at my house, Stephen is coming, he has asked to stay the night, I only have one bed, he has said we will share with a wink. I got excited, but I don't want to. I couldn't bear another fiasco. My work colleagues are already on cloud nine.
So I ask, do I have reasons to be excited or is it all in my head?

I know it was your first relationship. At 28, you had already been through so much, having been on your own for 13 years. You were forced to grow up too fast, and had to prioritize yourself, building a life from nothing. I get it. It was your fierce independence that made me fall for you in the first place.
I always knew that trying to build a life with you was going to be a struggle. I thought it would be worth it, for both of us. You deserve to have someone in your corner, that always has your back. You shouldn’t have to be alone. I don’t know if you believed the same.
I think I gave up too much of myself for you. Was that my mistake or yours? Did you really ask for too much, or did I give too freely without expectation for anything in return? Maybe both. Probably more on me. I’m not perfect by a long shot.
Compromise. It really does all come down to that. I tried to show you its importance, but in the process I ended up being the only one willing to do it. Me getting to pick what movie we watched or getting to plan a date became something I only got to do on special occasions. You said you felt like you didn’t know me, but so many times in so many ways I offered up little pieces of me to you. I share myself by sharing the things I love with the people I love. But more and more towards the end, all you’d say was “no”. Ignoring any context. Ignoring those pieces of me.
I know you don’t like movies about kids. I know asking to watch Home Alone during Christmas was a big ask. But it was a tradition that I shared with my dad, who I lost just over a year before. I know you think that traditions are pointless, but it was important to me. My earliest memories are of that. I needed to continue on, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it alone. I needed you there, your support. It was such a small gesture I was asking of you, but all I got was “no”. Instead we watched a movie you picked: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. A movie made by the exact same people that made Home Alone, and with even more kids.
We wanted to go to Ireland. Personally I’ve been wanting to go for years, but couldn’t because of my dad’s illness along with everything else going on. You knew that in the last 3 years I lost all of my grandparents, two uncles, my dad. I couldn’t risk going so far away for so long while everyone was sick. My mom saw me giving up the latter half of my 20s for my family, when she was hoping I would be enjoying life and seeing the world. That’s why she was happy to give us the money to have the trip of our dreams. I explained all of this to you while you were struggling to find a way to save for the trip. All my mom wanted in return was a single nice photo of us. That wasn’t even a requirement for the money. She just wanted to see me with the person that I love making our dreams come true. I know you hate having your picture taken. The only attention your dad ever gave you was when he wanted to test a new camera. It’s a trauma trigger. But I was only asking for one picture. You’d compromise for your friends, you’d compromise for your sister. You’d take pictures with them. Why wouldn’t you compromise for your partner, and the other most important person in your partners life? After a year, we have 3 pictures together, none of which are very good. I know that I was asking for a lot, but I felt so less important than everyone else in your life. Maybe you felt that as your partner, I was to be held to a higher standard? I honestly don’t know. All you said was “no”.
You admitted yourself I was so supportive. I always prioritized you. From always making your tea before mine, to giving you the better looking plate at dinner, to planting all of your favorite flowers in my garden. I always complemented you, how smart you are, how beautiful you are, how driven and independent you are. Your friend needed a ride to a 5k and someone to cheer them on? I was there. You needed someone to drive you around while your car was in the shop for 2 months? No problem. Accidentally overdrew your account again, and you couldn’t afford the late fees? Here’s $50. Need to move on short notice? I’m the guy tearing apart and moving your furniture. You have a migraine so bad you can’t eat? I’m bringing you pedialyte and sleeping on your couch, even though I didn’t actually get any sleep. I learned all your rituals so not to trigger your OCD. There are countless other examples. I never said no. I never complained. You rarely said so much as “thank you”.
The big one. The thing that ended us. You’re right, we did sit down like adults time and time again and talked things out. You said you needed me to anticipate your needs. You’d get overwhelmed, and couldn’t articulate what you needed from me. You couldn’t stand being asked what you needed. You just needed me to start helping. “Mental loads” and all that. I took that to heart. But I’m not perfect. Sometimes I’d miss the mark. Tried to support you, but in the wrong way. Even in my failures I showed effort, but you never seemed to see that. You only focused on how I failed.
We recognized that this was a problem caused by both of us. The communication wasn’t getting through. But I had already adapted to your communication style as much as I could. My exited, rambling, almost impulsive way of generating ideas became slow, methodical, thoughtful. I put intention behind everything so not to overwhelm you. I learned not to jump at the obvious solution.
Yes, we sat down like adults and talked things over time and time again. You told me what you needed from me, but I also told you what I needed from you. If I was missing the mark, please just guide me to what you needed. I’m not a mind reader. I did it for you all the time. You were honestly awful at anticipating my needs too. If I was venting, had a bad day, all you’d say was “I’m sorry”, and pat me on the back like a puppy. No effort to dig deeper. No words of support or encouragement. So I had to show you how I needed support. I just needed you to do the same for me. “No”. Again.
One final time, I sent you words of support when you were having a bad day. It wasn’t enough, you wanted more. A phone call? For me to come over so you could vent in person? Did you actually want me to directly help for once? I don’t know. You never told me. Instead of guiding me to what you needed, you immediately shut down. Full silent treatment. I’ve been in abusive relationships where the silent treatment was welded as a weapon. I know you didn’t mean it in an abusive way, you were just overwhelmed again. But I never expected it from you. I didn’t see it for what it was. I only ever asked one thing from you to save us. I put in the work, got us 80% of the way there. I knew I couldn’t bridge the gap on my own. I wasn’t even asking you to put in effort on my behalf, it was for your benefit. I begged you time and time again for help. To communicate. Not to put it all on me, because I couldn’t do it on my own. But instead, you did the opposite.
You said that you felt like you were putting more effort into the relationship than I was. I’m sorry, but I can’t see that effort. I’m trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but I can’t. Maybe you mean you put effort into forgiving me every time I messed up? Maybe you mean that you were always planning dates, always picking what we watched, where we went, what we ate, what we drank? Again, mental loads and such. But I had things that I wanted to do and share with you that you always turned down. You only had to plan everything after my plans were rejected. It would have been more efficient for you to show love, patience, and compromise. Maybe we would have worked out then.
But then you left.
​
​
​

Hi all - strap in lol..
I (23M) had been seeing a girl (22F) for around 9 months and we became official just touching 7 months ago..
At the beginning, everything was pretty good and I was happy. Around March this year, her effort dramatcially decreased. There were a few red flags that I admittedly ignored such as a promiscuous past ( not necassarily a red flag in itself but she was pretty vocal about it which I'll get to ), me being her first boyfriend and from what I could gather, the first guy to treat her well.
For the duration of the 9 months, she didn't plan one single date, she did not get me anything for Valentines day or our 6 month anniversary, when I asked her to join me and my family for dinner for an important milestone in my life ( 1 year sober ) she did not make the effort to be there as she was " too tired " . I got her a nice photo of the two of us framed for our 6 months which she hadn't even bothered to unwrap up to the last time I saw her which was less than a week ago..
I planned every date, paid for 98% percent of them, planned and paid for two holidays which I wouldn't mind doing had she shown effort in other ways.. Like at the beginning, she would make the effort to call me every night which was more than enough for me to know she cared. I'm not a needy bloke, I didn't need gifts and to be wined and dined but something so simple as the phone calls was good for me, but that faded around February..
Things really started to look bleek around the time of our second Holiday which was the beginning of last month. She had been out drinking the night before and told me the next day she had a guy from her class pour liquour into her mouth which personally for me, was a boundary crossed that I foolishly ignored. Then, one of the nights on holiday, while drunk, she decided to show me a list she had kept in her notes app of all her past sexual partners and even went as far to tell me how big one of the guys dicks was (upon reflection I should've left her there and then).
Now, don't get me wrong, she was not a demon. She had many moments of showing affection and care, she bought me some nice clothes for Christmas and my birthday aswell as other small but thoughtful gifts and often used to keep my favorite drinks in the fridge for when I came over. But for the mostpart, the effort was just not there and would frequently go hours without snapping me back, and often times wouldn't start an actual verbal conversation ever and there wouldn't be one if I didn't start one..
I brought up the lack of effort to her 3 or 4 times and and told her, if she just wasn't into me it was fine and we could call it quits, but we needed to communicate. Each time she would cry, maintain that she loved me, she wanted me in her life and wanted to be with me. She is super focused on her studies and I told her I totally get it and that I don't expect to come first, and don't want much, but something so simple as the nightly phone call was enough for me to know she cared. Each time she told me she would try and do better but nothing ever changed.
So, this Sunday gone, I couldn't do it anymore and initiated a break up. Once she saw I was serious she kind of scrambled to make it mutual, but I inititated it and I don't think she had intented to finish with me any time soon. I told her nothing has changed and I don't see it changing, she told me she doesn't feel she can give me what I need (which is not very much) or deserve. She said she loves me still and probably always will. The last thing I said to her was, I will miss you, I am thankful for the times we shared, wished her the best of luck with her studies and the rest of her time in my country ( she's not from here) and goodbye. I have since entered a period of no contact with her.
I also don't believe there was another guy on the scene, she was never secretive with her phone and always left her location on, which I never checked as I found that to be unhealthy, but her wilingness to leave it on was fairly reassuring in that regard.
The reason I am conflicted is because, I don't believe she saw it ending and I do believe she had genuine feelings for me, but I couldn't allow myself be disrespected and taken for granted any longer for my own sanitys sake.
What I'm asking is, given it ended amicably, is it hopeless to think that she will realise what she lost and come back and make an effort, or is it dead in the water.. Afterall, even though I ended it, I am in love with her and am finding the no contact incredibly difficult although have no intention of breaking it.
I find it hard to believe she is able to let someone who did and cared so much for her go that easily, but am also aware life is cruel and unforgiving..
I'd really like some non biased opinions on this.. Thanks!
Edit: she has not yet taken down the photos of us together on Instagram if that counts for anything...

I’m writing this review in the hopes that someone else doesn’t get ripped off like I have
I purchased the Michael Phelps Chilly Goat Cold Plunge in December and took delivery early January.
Normally I only buy products with great reviews and from vendors with great reputations for customer service and product support.
For some reason I ignored all of this when making this purchase. I couldn’t (and still can’t) find a single review from someone whose actually purchased this product. However, I figured if Michael Phelps and Master Spa were going to put their names on it, then it MUST be a good product. Unfortunately that assumption was very wrong, and here’s my honest review.
Upon receipt of the cold plunge, I unwrapped it and got it placed in my garage. Atheistically, the tub is gorgeous. I was extremely happy with the way it looked.
However, once I started unwrapping the components such as the cover, thermostat, filter cover and the covers around the base of the unit, I got the immediate impression that it was all super cheap, bottom of the barrel components. Everything except the white tub itself is extremely flimsy, and cheap. Definitely not what I was expecting from a $9000 cold plunge.
Regardless, I got everything ready so we could get it running once I had the new 20 amp circuit installed. For some reason, in the setup manual it tells you to make sure to wire in a GFCI outlet (even though the plunge whip has a built in GFCI in it already). I had a feeling these two would trip each other out, but I followed the instructions in the manual.
It powered on fine and started working towards getting the water down to the 40 degrees. I then hooked it up to the App (which is a generic app that’s used by many companies selling generic pumps). I tried setting it up to automatically cycle off for most of the day, and cycle on a couple hours before I would be using it.
The next morning I went into the garage to see if it worked.
It didn’t.
The power was off due to the GFCI tripping (just as I thought it would). I reviewed the manual again and it explicitly states that I only use a GFCI, so I powered it back on and tried again. It eventually tripped again, so I contacted support.
This was my first contact with support and the rep “Paul” was helpful. He advised me to try removing the GFCI and replace with a regular outlet. So I did and it worked perfectly. No more tripping the breaker and shutting off.
So now I tried setting the schedule again, and to my delight the cold plunge was at 40 degrees the next morning.
However, what I realized was that it wasn't cycling on or off. It was just staying on the entire time, despite any scheduling I put into the app.
The only way to control the tub (by the way) is by removing the tub skirting and using a small rectangular circuit board that has 4 buttons. Up, down, mode and power. So there’s no way to schedule or do anything with the unit other than turn it off/on, turn the temp up or down, or switch to hot or cold mode. So it looks like scheduling (an advertised feature) wasn’t actually available.
Fast forward a couple months and the cold plunge is working great. It runs 24/7, but it keeps the water right at 40 degrees. I decided I’d like to try the hot side now, so I opened up the app, made sure the mode was on Auto and turned it up to its max.
Now their marketing and manual said that it would be able to get up to temp in a few hours. So I started a timer and watched it. I started it at 5:00 p.m and by 7:30 p.m it went from 40 to 46ish. Definitely not what I was expecting.
So I went to bed, expecting it to be at 104 when I woke up. Fast forward to 8:30 a.m and the tub is only at 73 degrees. At this point I knew for a fact that something was wrong with the unit. So I took a video and added it to my dropbox folder to show support.
I continued to wait and by 11:00 the unit reached 90 degrees. And then at 11:40, it stopped warming up and threw off the error code E20. So I snapped my pictures, added it to the drive and then went into the manual to see what to do about this code.
I then followed the instructions, and reset the machine. It started working again and was able to get to 100 degrees by 12:30 (target temp was 104). However, once it hit this, the machine errored again and threw out E21.
Back to the instruction manual I went, and it said to basically just reset it. So I did, but this time the error code wouldn’t go away. And then the temperature slowly started dropping as I couldn’t get rid of the error code.
Eventually I unplugged the unit and reached out to Paul again. This time he wasn’t as helpful. I sent him the link with all of the videos/photos, but we never really got anywhere until I started getting angry and pressing to return the unit.
At this point he sends me two maintenance companies in my area with their phone numbers (and presented it to me as if it was my responsibility to call them and I would be in charge of paying for it).
This was the last straw for me. I drained the tub and asked to be refunded and return the unit. I’ve been denied over and over, with them citing a 30 day return period. However, my stance on this is that the unit hasn’t worked correctly since the day I bought it. I’ve lost all confidence that this unit will stay in good working condition over a long period of time
Things stalled out from there, so I cooled off and decided to try to get the unit working again. I filled it back up and simply tried to turn it on. Now I’m getting hit with error code E03. I followed the troubleshooting in the manual and it didn’t work (of course).
And now I’m at the end of my wits with this piece of junk.
To anyone considering buying a Michael Phelps Gilly Goat by Master Spa, please heed my warning. Do not.
I may end up being the only actual customer review on the internet for this thing, so please listen to this advice and stay away.
All of the components on this thing are very cheap quality. I have the feeling a large % of our purchase price is going for the rights to use Michael Phelps name, not in getting a quality product.
This unit is in a climate controlled garage. Not exposed to any elements. Yet it took it 18~ hours to go from 40 degrees to 100 degrees (and potentially burned itself out by doing it). The motor doesn’t work at all ever since making that switch. I can’t imagine what it’d do if you actually placed it outside in the elements. There’s no way all of the lines wouldn’t immediately freeze and burst if you did so in the winter.

I’m writing this review in the hopes that someone else doesn’t get ripped off like I have
I purchased the Michael Phelps Chilly Goat Cold Plunge in December and took delivery early January.
Normally I only buy products with great reviews and from vendors with great reputations for customer service and product support.
For some reason I ignored all of this when making this purchase. I couldn’t (and still can’t) find a single review from someone whose actually purchased this product. However, I figured if Michael Phelps and Master Spa were going to put their names on it, then it MUST be a good product. Unfortunately that assumption was very wrong, and here’s my honest review.
Upon receipt of the cold plunge, I unwrapped it and got it placed in my garage. Atheistically, the tub is gorgeous. I was extremely happy with the way it looked.
However, once I started unwrapping the components such as the cover, thermostat, filter cover and the covers around the base of the unit, I got the immediate impression that it was all super cheap, bottom of the barrel components. Everything except the white tub itself is extremely flimsy, and cheap. Definitely not what I was expecting from a $9000 cold plunge.
Regardless, I got everything ready so we could get it running once I had the new 20 amp circuit installed. For some reason, in the setup manual it tells you to make sure to wire in a GFCI outlet (even though the plunge whip has a built in GFCI in it already). I had a feeling these two would trip each other out, but I followed the instructions in the manual.
It powered on fine and started working towards getting the water down to the 40 degrees. I then hooked it up to the App (which is a generic app that’s used by many companies selling generic pumps). I tried setting it up to automatically cycle off for most of the day, and cycle on a couple hours before I would be using it.
The next morning I went into the garage to see if it worked.
It didn’t.
The power was off due to the GFCI tripping (just as I thought it would). I reviewed the manual again and it explicitly states that I only use a GFCI, so I powered it back on and tried again. It eventually tripped again, so I contacted support.
This was my first contact with support and the rep “Paul” was helpful. He advised me to try removing the GFCI and replace with a regular outlet. So I did and it worked perfectly. No more tripping the breaker and shutting off.
So now I tried setting the schedule again, and to my delight the cold plunge was at 40 degrees the next morning.
However, what I realized was that it wasn't cycling on or off. It was just staying on the entire time, despite any scheduling I put into the app.
The only way to control the tub (by the way) is by removing the tub skirting and using a small rectangular circuit board that has 4 buttons. Up, down, mode and power. So there’s no way to schedule or do anything with the unit other than turn it off/on, turn the temp up or down, or switch to hot or cold mode. So it looks like scheduling (an advertised feature) wasn’t actually available.
Fast forward a couple months and the cold plunge is working great. It runs 24/7, but it keeps the water right at 40 degrees. I decided I’d like to try the hot side now, so I opened up the app, made sure the mode was on Auto and turned it up to its max.
Now their marketing and manual said that it would be able to get up to temp in a few hours. So I started a timer and watched it. I started it at 5:00 p.m and by 7:30 p.m it went from 40 to 46ish. Definitely not what I was expecting.
So I went to bed, expecting it to be at 104 when I woke up. Fast forward to 8:30 a.m and the tub is only at 73 degrees. At this point I knew for a fact that something was wrong with the unit. So I took a video and added it to my dropbox folder to show support.
I continued to wait and by 11:00 the unit reached 90 degrees. And then at 11:40, it stopped warming up and threw off the error code E20. So I snapped my pictures, added it to the drive and then went into the manual to see what to do about this code.
I then followed the instructions, and reset the machine. It started working again and was able to get to 100 degrees by 12:30 (target temp was 104). However, once it hit this, the machine errored again and threw out E21.
Back to the instruction manual I went, and it said to basically just reset it. So I did, but this time the error code wouldn’t go away. And then the temperature slowly started dropping as I couldn’t get rid of the error code.
Eventually I unplugged the unit and reached out to Paul again. This time he wasn’t as helpful. I sent him the link with all of the videos/photos, but we never really got anywhere until I started getting angry and pressing to return the unit.
At this point he sends me two maintenance companies in my area with their phone numbers (and presented it to me as if it was my responsibility to call them and I would be in charge of paying for it).
This was the last straw for me. I drained the tub and asked to be refunded and return the unit. I’ve been denied over and over, with them citing a 30 day return period. However, my stance on this is that the unit hasn’t worked correctly since the day I bought it. I’ve lost all confidence that this unit will stay in good working condition over a long period of time
Things stalled out from there, so I cooled off and decided to try to get the unit working again. I filled it back up and simply tried to turn it on. Now I’m getting hit with error code E03. I followed the troubleshooting in the manual and it didn’t work (of course).
And now I’m at the end of my wits with this piece of junk.
To anyone considering buying a Michael Phelps Gilly Goat by Master Spa, please heed my warning. Do not.
I may end up being the only actual customer review on the internet for this thing, so please listen to this advice and stay away.
All of the components on this thing are very cheap quality. I have the feeling a large % of our purchase price is going for the rights to use Michael Phelps name, not in getting a quality product.
This unit is in a climate controlled garage. Not exposed to any elements. Yet it took it 18~ hours to go from 40 degrees to 100 degrees (and potentially burned itself out by doing it). The motor doesn’t work at all ever since making that switch. I can’t imagine what it’d do if you actually placed it outside in the elements. There’s no way all of the lines wouldn’t immediately freeze and burst if you did so in the winter.

Hi all - strap in lol..
I (23M) had been seeing a girl (22F) for around 9 months and we became official just touching 7 months ago..
At the beginning, everything was pretty good and I was happy. Around March this year, her effort dramatcially decreased. There were a few red flags that I admittedly ignored such as a promiscuous past ( not necassarily a red flag in itself but she was pretty vocal about it which I'll get to ), me being her first boyfriend and from what I could gather, the first guy to treat her well.
For the duration of the 9 months, she didn't plan one single date, she did not get me anything for Valentines day or our 6 month anniversary, when I asked her to join me and my family for dinner for an important milestone in my life ( 1 year sober ) she did not make the effort to be there as she was " too tired " . I got her a nice photo of the two of us framed for our 6 months which she hadn't even bothered to unwrap up to the last time I saw her which was less than a week ago..
I planned every date, paid for 98% percent of them, planned and paid for two holidays which I wouldn't mind doing had she shown effort in other ways.. Like at the beginning, she would make the effort to call me every night which was more than enough for me to know she cared. I'm not a needy bloke, I didn't need gifts and to be wined and dined but something so simple as the phone calls was good for me, but that faded around February..
Things really started to look bleek around the time of our second Holiday which was the beginning of last month. She had been out drinking the night before and told me the next day she had a guy from her class pour liquour into her mouth which personally for me, was a boundary crossed that I foolishly ignored. Then, one of the nights on holiday, while drunk, she decided to show me a list she had kept in her notes app of all her past sexual partners and even went as far to tell me how big one of the guys dicks was (upon reflection I should've left her there and then).
Now, don't get me wrong, she was not a demon. She had many moments of showing affection and care, she bought me some nice clothes for Christmas and my birthday aswell as other small but thoughtful gifts and often used to keep my favorite drinks in the fridge for when I came over. But for the mostpart, the effort was just not there and would frequently go hours without snapping me back, and often times wouldn't start an actual verbal conversation ever and there wouldn't be one if I didn't start one..
I brought up the lack of effort to her 3 or 4 times and and told her, if she just wasn't into me it was fine and we could call it quits, but we needed to communicate. Each time she would cry, maintain that she loved me, she wanted me in her life and wanted to be with me. She is super focused on her studies and I told her I totally get it and that I don't expect to come first, and don't want much, but something so simple as the nightly phone call was enough for me to know she cared. Each time she told me she would try and do better but nothing ever changed.
So, this Sunday gone, I couldn't do it anymore and initiated a break up. Once she saw I was serious she kind of scrambled to make it mutual, but I inititated it and I don't think she had intented to finish with me any time soon. I told her nothing has changed and I don't see it changing, she told me she doesn't feel she can give me what I need (which is not very much) or deserve. She said she loves me still and probably always will. The last thing I said to her was, I will miss you, I am thankful for the times we shared, wished her the best of luck with her studies and the rest of her time in my country ( she's not from here) and goodbye. I have since entered a period of no contact with her.
I also don't believe there was another guy on the scene, she was never secretive with her phone and always left her location on, which I never checked as I found that to be unhealthy, but her wilingness to leave it on was fairly reassuring in that regard.
The reason I am conflicted is because, I don't believe she saw it ending and I do believe she had genuine feelings for me, but I couldn't allow myself be disrespected and taken for granted any longer for my own sanitys sake.
What I'm asking is, given it ended amicably, is it hopeless to think that she will realise what she lost and come back and make an effort, or is it dead in the water.. Afterall, even though I ended it, I am in love with her and am finding the no contact incredibly difficult although have no intention of breaking it.
I find it hard to believe she is able to let someone who did and cared so much for her go that easily, but am also aware life is cruel and unforgiving..
I'd really like some non biased opinions on this.. Thanks!
Edit: she has not yet taken down the photos of us together on Instagram if that counts for anything...

TW: Domestic violence, ideation, SA
These past couple months of my life have been transformation, but exhausting. I recently lost my grandfather to a terminal illness, the man who supported me in countless ways and really brought our family together when he first got sick. His death was crippling for the first couple weeks, but I have since been able to see that his suffering coming to an end is worth more than the rest of us having him still with us on earth. His passing put a lot of things in perspective, including my deep rooted unhappiness in my long term relationship and my unhealthy relationship with substances. Throughout this time, I lost a number of friends to the breakup, many of which led with the whole "bros before hoes" mentality, so much so that not a single one of them reach out when my grandfather did eventually die, and I had never felt so alone. In the mean time, I was able to grow very close with a group of coworkers my age, all in their twenties. On nights where all I wanted to do was get drunk and ignore my problems, they would drive me out to the dam and sit and listen to me sob about how I felt like I wasted the last couple months of my grandfather's life getting drunk with people who threw me away when I didn't want to party any more, all in the name of distracting myself from his inevitable death. They stepped up to the plate when I broke up with my ex and he lost his mind thinking I was a horrible person for not wanting him to come to my grandfather's funeral and just wanting to be alone instead of in a relationship where I was doing so much heavy lifting for little payout. I also had to come to terms with the fact that my ex and I only ever had sex when we were drunk because I really didn't enjoy it, but there was one time where he blacked out and didn't even remember us sleeping together. During that encounter, I had begged him to stop, but he couldn't hear me I guess, and he kept going until he finished and I just laid there and cried while he passed out next to me. I now know that was rape, but in the moment I felt like I did something wrong. That period of my life was so fucking hard, but I made it with the help of some awesome people and newfound sobriety.
Among the group of coworkers was Jack (25m). I will admit, I got butterflies the moment he walked into work that first time, but I never planned on acting on it; it was just a surprising thing that had never happened to me before. He and I started a friendship when he opened up about being new to the area, his desire to move up the ladder in the industry we both work in, and told me all about his dog who he loved so much. His girlfriend at the time, Alyssa (26f) had gotten a job here and they moved three hours north for her job, and he figured he might as well start working at a serious job in his dream industry. Our friendship grew when he commented to my good friend Tony (23m) and I about the growing resentment he had for the area and his girlfriend. Apparently, for years she had always been very dependent on him while still controlling most aspects of his life, but since they moved up here, she had stopped doing any house work, taking care of their dog, and demanding that he stay home to spend time with her instead of going out to meet new people in town (we work in a very social industry, and when he first started, we all got together and offered to take him out to see new things in town, meet other big people in the industry, etc, but didn't take it personally when he said no. However, this convo made it very clear that he wanted to go those four times we tried, but he was informed by Alyssa that he was a selfish bastard for wanting to go out without her and she felt like he hated her so much that he was trying to use work as an excuse to leave her alone. I can't make this up). He started crying about how he felt like a maid, like a doormat that she walked all over and how he wished he had never moved up here, how every time he tried to break up with her she threatened to kill herself and he couldn't live with the thought of being responsible for her death. Tony let Jack know that none of that behavior was okay, and we as a group talked about what Jack really wanted to do with his life and what was holding him back. Shortly after, Jack broke up with Alyssa, who once again threatened to kill herself, got violent with him, and blamed him for throwing in the towel when she did nothing wrong. Tony gave Jack a room in apartment to stay in when it became clear that Alyssa would attack Jack anytime he was home, and he officially moved out within the week. Our coworkers all banded together to make sure he had furniture for his new room, bought him a dresser and a bed frame and we each took our cars over to his old place to move him out. It took a village, but he now has a safe apartment of his own with Tony and he has repeatedly thanked us all for letting him fall apart without judgement. A few months later, my grandfather passed and I was shown the same love by our little group. I have some amazing coworkers.
I was sitting next to Jack in the back of Tony's truck when I got the call my grandfather died. In that moment, it became clear that he really did care about me, and I am so grateful that he was there for me even when I swore I didn't need anyone. This all happened shortly after my breakup and newfound sobriety, so I was an absolute mess, but Jack didn't care. I opened up to him about my assault, my problem with drinking, and all the ugly parts of myself and he never once treated me like damaged goods. He and I fell apart and helped each other try to stitch together new lives at the expense of our old ones. I constantly am reminded by friends and family how much happier I am now, and I can give a lot of that credit to Jack and his patience and care. The same can be said for Jack, too. He and I hooked up one night months after I was single and felt slightly more in control of my emotions, and after doing that a couple more times, we started dating five months ago.
Now here comes the kicker. Jack has made some shitty choices in the past that I did not know about until we got together. Apparently, he had cheated on one of his exes at college, and when he and Alyssa first got together, he had been sleeping with two other girls who he cut things off with pretty suddenly when he got the chance to sleep with Alyssa, then they started dating a few weeks later. There are a number of girls that he kinda fucked over before the age of twenty, but he doesn't talk to any of them anymore and knows that he was in the wrong for all of them. Growth, I hope. I found out that he was still somewhat connected to one of them, and when I told him how worrisome that made me, he immediately apologized for not realizing earlier how that would make me uncomfortable and quickly (per his own volition) let her know that he did not want to continue talking because he felt it was clear she only really wanted to sleep with him and she had very little respect for his monogamous relationships. She flipped shit and he was glad that he was able to cut ties because apparently that wasn't the first time she tried to guilt trip him into staying in touch with her. But mostly, Alyssa has become a fairly constant fixture in our relationship. Because they had a dog together, Jack has to ask Alyssa when he can go over there to see the dog. She only does it on her terms, which is understandable, but she will constantly blame him for not taking care of the dog (Tony has two cats, and while Tony wants Jack to take the dog to their apartment, he doesn't think the cats would feel safe and they are already very skittish). She texts him biweekly saying that she found something of his, like a box of ties, a thing of utensils, etc, and demands he come get them and walk the dog asap. More than once, she has called him early in the morning asking him to come over because something is wrong with the dog, but most recently she called at 7 am saying "You need to get over here now, something is wrong with the dog. This shouldn't all be my problem and you should be the one taking care of this." He tries to get more info but she refused and said it shouldn't matter, he should just drop everything and take her to the vet and stop asking questions. He asked her to wait a few hours and if she still needed help he would come. Turns out, she clipped the dog's nail too short and the dog was bleeding a little, and that's what the phone call was for. But most alarming, Alyssa texted Jack repeatedly when we were on a lunch date saying that he needed to come take the dog because she was going to the mental hospital for suicidal ideation. Understandably so, we get the bill and Jack loses his mind in the car. He was terrified. She never did go, and when Jack reached out to her mom, she said Alyssa was fine and had no idea what he was talking about. She texts him randomly telling him he better come spend time with the dog because she's thinking of moving south again, three hours away, and will basically text him threatening stuff all the time all with the guise of him seeing the dog. I know this is all something I signed up for, but between the crazy shit with Alyssa and his cheating in the past, I don't know how I got myself involved in something so messy. Yes, he was being abused and now he is so grateful for the love I give him, but I still feel somewhat insecure based off how much say Alyssa has on his mood. He doesn't fold for anyone like he does for her, and while she or us will move out of state within the next year, I guess I mostly need to know what people recommend in terms of me feeling more secure in myself. This is a bug weight on my shoulders and while I do love him and am happy he his around, I need to prioritize myself above all else. Please help.
TL;DR: My boyfriend (25m) and I (21f) have been through a lot. His ex girlfriend is very manipulative and I want to make sure I am taking care of myself to be the best version of myself after having a very transformative year (newfound sobriety, death of my grandfather, loss of many friends, and grief over a past relationship). I don't doubt that he loves me, I just want to look out for myself and make sure I am making healthy choices while we navigate a very heavy period of our lives together. Thanks in advance.

Am I the A hole?
So a little back ground. About 2 and a half years ago my wife found out I had been watching porn and masturbating behind her back. From that point I didnt masturbate and had great sex with my wife. I was on TRT and cycling sarms into my workout so my libido was through the roof and my wife and i taken intimate videos together. So a year and a half ago I confessed to my wife that I had been masturbating but to our videos that we made together. She told me it made her feel like she wasnt enough in general even if it was to us. I respect my wife and i want to please my wife and make her happy so since then I have refrained from watching any porn even mild sex scenes on TV as well as getting rid of social media and adding restrictions so less and less women are on the only remaining social media I have left and that's youtube. I had Pinterest up until yesterday but got rid of it because while browsing on Pinterest I clicked on literally I believe it was 3 total photos in my Pinterest history of women. They are skinny and are well endowed. My wife has gained weight and has been trying to lose weight but is having a hard time. I never say she is fat or call her names or anything that would be demeaning to my wife and her self esteem. If anything she is always saying she is fat and I constantly will deny it and tell her that I am very attracted to her. Anyway these photos weren't provocative in anyway just pictures of women doing workouts. I knew when I was looking at them it was wrong and if she found out holy shit so I didn't continue after the 3rd photo. He'll I didn't even search for it, it was just in my Pinterest home feed. Now she is saying I want hoe's and sluts and not her. That I don't love her or respect her. That I'm jerking off. She then went and masturbated herself and watched porn. I know this because of the cameras and I was able to access her search history. Now before she saw the photos everything was great and fine!. She also made fun of me sexually. Saying I'm not big enough and I don't fuck like the porn videos and at least she will get wet. It was absolutely degrading and humiliating. She is literally demeaning me as a person and my character because of the 3 pictures. I love my wife and yes she has anger problems and is controlling and does not trust at all. Even when I think she is she will all the sudden be going through my phone and interrogation pursues. I literally have isolated myself. I have no friends. I don't go out. I don't spend money. I literally go to work and go straight home. I literally surrounded my whole life around her and yet because of 3 photos she is divorcing me. I haven't jerked off I haven't watched porn. I'm so lost. I don't understand.
I don't understand what it will take to earn her trust. I don't understand what it will take for her to stop trying to find something wrong when there isn't anything there. I don't understand how she can be so cold. I can't believe she would humiliate and degrade me like that. Do the very thing she accused me of and then basically rub it in my face. Doesn't seem very mature. She doesn't communicate well because everything you say has the worst alterior motive behind it. She literally looks for there to be problems. I don't understand and I feel like I'm being abused mentally and emotionally. Now I will confess I have hit and pushed my wife before and I haven't been physically violent towards my wife since November of last year and when it happened it was a game changer for me and my life in general. I have been doing alot of self help as communication and etc that even my wife will tell you I have not struck nor pushed my wife or been violent towards my wife in anyway since November of last year. Now I'm not proud or saying I was right. I was way wrong and am being a man about it and facing it. My wife had hit me and pushed me and kicked me and etc also. She actually struck me in the face about 2 weeks ago because I said I had already turned the TV down and I couldn't turn it down anymore without it muting and because she got angry at that she turned over and struck me in the face. So we have both been physical with eachother also but hers being very recent. I screwed up before and feel so much guilt for what i did that i ignored the hitting me. Believe it or not she didnt even Apologize she stormed off and i had to go into the bathroom and just hold her until she liked me again. However things got great and as I said before had been great up until the photos. Now I'm a cheating slut that doesn't want her or find her attractive and I don't love her or respect her and etc. I won't repeat what I have already wrote before so I'm lost and idk what to do. I love my wife and yes I have screwed up in the past but is 3 photos of women deserve everything I got and her divorcing me. Is this salvageable? Am I the asshole? Should I be the one to go? Should i let her go? Should I fight for her? Should I not speak to her and let it be for a little until she wants to talk? What if she does get divorce paper? She threatened to get them Wednesday since she is off and has court in the morning. I don't want this and love my wife and am hurting and hurt and have cried and cried and cried. I'm not afraid to admit I cried alot. I just said out loud I'm gonna miss you so much while crying hysterically. Please anything. I'm willing to hear anything at this point because I don't know if I'm even making right decisions anymore. Am I the asshole?

What do I do?
So a little back ground. About 2 and a half years ago my wife found out I had been watching porn and masturbating behind her back. From that point I didnt masturbate and had great sex with my wife. I was on TRT and cycling sarms into my workout so my libido was through the roof and my wife and i taken intimate videos together. So a year and a half ago I confessed to my wife that I had been masturbating but to our videos that we made together. She told me it made her feel like she wasnt enough in general even if it was to us. I respect my wife and i want to please my wife and make her happy so since then I have refrained from watching any porn even mild sex scenes on TV as well as getting rid of social media and adding restrictions so less and less women are on the only remaining social media I have left and that's youtube. I had Pinterest up until yesterday but got rid of it because while browsing on Pinterest I clicked on literally I believe it was 3 total photos in my Pinterest history of women. They are skinny and are well endowed. My wife has gained weight and has been trying to lose weight but is having a hard time. I never say she is fat or call her names or anything that would be demeaning to my wife and her self esteem. If anything she is always saying she is fat and I constantly will deny it and tell her that I am very attracted to her. Anyway these photos weren't provocative in anyway just pictures of women doing workouts. I knew when I was looking at them it was wrong and if she found out holy shit so I didn't continue after the 3rd photo. He'll I didn't even search for it, it was just in my Pinterest home feed. Now she is saying I want hoe's and sluts and not her. That I don't love her or respect her. That I'm jerking off. She then went and masturbated herself and watched porn. I know this because of the cameras and I was able to access her search history. Now before she saw the photos everything was great and fine!. She also made fun of me sexually. Saying I'm not big enough and I don't fuck like the porn videos and at least she will get wet. It was absolutely degrading and humiliating. She is literally demeaning me as a person and my character because of the 3 pictures. I love my wife and yes she has anger problems and is controlling and does not trust at all. Even when I think she is she will all the sudden be going through my phone and interrogation pursues. I literally have isolated myself. I have no friends. I don't go out. I don't spend money. I literally go to work and go straight home. I literally surrounded my whole life around her and yet because of 3 photos she is divorcing me. I haven't jerked off I haven't watched porn. I'm so lost. I don't understand.
I don't understand what it will take to earn her trust. I don't understand what it will take for her to stop trying to find something wrong when there isn't anything there. I don't understand how she can be so cold. I can't believe she would humiliate and degrade me like that. Do the very thing she accused me of and then basically rub it in my face. Doesn't seem very mature. She doesn't communicate well because everything you say has the worst alterior motive behind it. She literally looks for there to be problems. I don't understand and I feel like I'm being abused mentally and emotionally. Now I will confess I have hit and pushed my wife before and I haven't been physically violent towards my wife since November of last year and when it happened it was a game changer for me and my life in general. I have been doing alot of self help as communication and etc that even my wife will tell you I have not struck nor pushed my wife or been violent towards my wife in anyway since November of last year. Now I'm not proud or saying I was right. I was way wrong and am being a man about it and facing it. My wife had hit me and pushed me and kicked me and etc also. She actually struck me in the face about 2 weeks ago because I said I had already turned the TV down and I couldn't turn it down anymore without it muting and because she got angry at that she turned over and struck me in the face. So we have both been physical with eachother also but hers being very recent. I screwed up before and feel so much guilt for what i did that i ignored the hitting me. Believe it or not she didnt even Apologize she stormed off and i had to go into the bathroom and just hold her until she liked me again. However things got great and as I said before had been great up until the photos. Now I'm a cheating slut that doesn't want her or find her attractive and I don't love her or respect her and etc. I won't repeat what I have already wrote before so I'm lost and idk what to do. I love my wife and yes I have screwed up in the past but is 3 photos of women i didnt jerk off to not were they porn deserves everything I got and her divorce me? Should I be the one to go? Should i let her go? Should I fight for her? Should I not speak to her and let it be for a little until she wants to talk? What if she does get divorce paper? She threatened to get them Wednesday since she is off and has court in the morning. I don't want this and love my wife and am hurting and hurt and have cried and cried and cried. I'm not afraid to admit I cried alot. I just said out loud I'm gonna miss you so much while crying hysterically. Please anything. I'm willing to hear anything at this point because I don't know if I'm even making right decisions anymore.

Disclaimer:
This post has heavy spoilers to the story of the version 2.2 and maybe to something else. Good luck to read all of this. I yap for Ena and maybe repeat myself little too much. Mentioned characters:
Sunday
Robin
Aventurine
Dreammaster
Bronya
Seele
Cocolia
Mentioned Aeons:
Ena
Xipe
Hooh
Long
Oroboros
Qlipoth
Mentioned organisations:
Beyond the Sky Choir
Astral Express
Family
In loving memory: Ena the Order “The one who transcends the many”
In loving memory of Tazzyrronth the Propagation “The Sand king”
In loving memory of the Great Tatalov “The Garbage King”
So, the original intent behind this post was to create a lot of puns about Order and Sunday (for example something like Golden Order Radagon Sunday, “I will have order” with Sunday and a falling train instead, Sunday working in a delivery and saying that someone’s order was cancelled).
But then I started remembering all parts of Penacony storyline that have fascinated me. And one particular part master stroked me. When Sunday used his “tell the truth or die in 24 hours voice magic” he used not the power of Order, but Harmony – the Path he supposedly deliberately left behind and betrayed.
How can I be so sure, that he didn’t use the power of Order, making it look like the power of Harmony? Well, nor Dr. Ratio, nor Aventurine, nor Welt, nor (most importantly) Robin didn’t notice any sign that the Order was used and that the power on display did in fact belong to Harmony. And mind you, all of them are quite clever, experienced and hard to deceive. And in Aventurine’s conversation with Acheron in the Horizon of existence, Acheron (who as Self-Annihilator isn’t affected by the illusions of Order and can see through them) referred to the brand, used on Aventurine as the “brand of Harmony”. And the last proof is that when Sunday uses this power, he makes a call (or if you are a pun enjoyer like me, “an order”) to Xipe, referring to THEM as “Triple-faced soul”.
So, this was a really long and a roundabout way to prove that even with his supposed devotion to Order, Sunday still remains the Pathstrider of Harmony (and the laws of the HSR universe dictate, that you become a Pathstrider by following a philosophy of a particular Path). While being a Pathstrider of two Paths is not called impossible in the game, and Harmony and Order mostly overlap, there are some key differences between them. It means, that Sunday to some extant still believes in a philosophy of Harmony and is not a complete devotee of Order, how some people could have believed.
So, the goal of this post is to delve on the philosophy of Ena and Harmony through Sunday’s story, words, thoughts and actions. And to make some obnoxious theories, but that’s later.
So, let’s begin!
Ⅰ
In his childhood, Sunday alongside Robin, was called by the Dreammaster “two best interpreters of the Great One”. That means, that as a child, Sunday was extremely close to the philosophy of Harmony.
Let’s remember what Harmony embodies as a philosophy:
“Then, they say, O you who have reached the end, enter into the paradise that envelops all! Join this great choir and feast, listen to the beating of billions upon billions of hearts, holding you in THEIR embrace...”
“To battle the brutality of the laws of the universe, intelligent lifeforms must discard their cowardly selfishness and the differences between individuals, fusing into one singular melody — to have the strong help the weak, and to protect life with death.”
That is what Harmony preaches and Sunday was a follower of this ideology. Harmony preaches selfless people not only helping and uplifting each other to build “the paradise” (a prominent theme in Sunday’s thoughts) bit also welcoming every other willing person. Harmony philosophy is about acceptance, forgiveness, cooperation, that no person is beyond redemption, that in every person has inside of them the force that genuinely cares for others and strives for good. Harmony preaches something like this: “Because if it is possible for every person to become a member of Family’s shared paradise, then we should at lest try to welcome them in it.” That’s why Harmonic Strings (Emanators of Xipe) are not people and are actually manifestations materialized as the responses to the Hive Mind’s demands. It is a seemingly naïve and romantic ideal for the sometimes and indifferent brutal universe of HSR that requires great kindness, compassion, understanding, belief in other people, ability to see the better in other people and uplift them. And Sunday-follower of Order reflects on that:
"When I appeared as a child, my speech, mindset, and soul reflected immaturity and innocence."
"As I grew into adulthood, I left behind my childlike side."
Sunday (as shown in the quest) was a person of great understanding, compassion, and love for other living beings, full of desire to protect them (bird, Robin, other people). He was able to embrace even the worst people if they would show even the slightest glimpse of desire to redeem themselves and change for the better, like people who allegedly sold their own children. It is notable that he both acts as a follower of Harmony and an enforcer of Order conspiracy because of these very character traits. The motivation is the same, just the choice how to act based on this motivation is different between him and Robin because of different experiences.
As the ardent believer of Harmony, the seed of doubt in his mind was planted ironically by the very followers of the Harmony -the Family. And the disillusionment about Harmony also began, when his belief in other people was tested. When asking Xipe to clear his doubts, Sunday asks three questions:
“Who can judge the strong when their power hides their crimes?”
“Who can vouch for the weak when they will pay any price to survive?”
“If "the strong defending the weak" is truly the foundation of paradise, then who is responsible for the suffering and anguish in this wretched world?”
The questions display that the preached Harmony doesn’t work as intended. The extremely hard ideal to follow was exactly too demanding for numerous people who couldn’t stand up to the responsibility that came with upholding it. Also, as displayed both in the main quest of Penacony and in numerous events and side quests, flaws and imperfections of Family(note: of the Family on Penacony) are numerous. We have an entire “Ode to Fool” in the Grand Theatre about internal bloodthirsty war between the Family, where two of the seven families of Penacony ceased to exist. When even Family: those who preach the Odes of Harmony don’t act as they preach, are not harmonious, don’t show compassion and forgiveness, it is extremely hard to still believe in its teachings. And from that, the belief in people starts to slowly crumble as the very belief in a possibility of a paradise preached by the Xipe, is tested.
That is what turns him to Order. The feeling that while the paradise of Harmony is theoretically possible, how much suffering must people experience before it actually arrives. And when will it arrive? And IF it will arrive? These doubts in human inherent desire to change for the better leads to the idea: “And what if they don’t change? Then why take the risks? Why not to create something that guarantees their safety, happiness and protection?” His desire for Order is still born from his love for humanity.
Ⅱ
And while the shift in beliefs did in fact happen, it wasn’t completed and some beliefs in Harmony remain, alongside doubts about the philosophy of Order.
To prove that, let’s remember the Grand Theatre part of the quest (“Everything that Rises Must Converge”).
Before that Dreammaster has a particularly interesting conversation with Sunday. Sunday not only changes their plan, taking Robin’s place in the plan and then he asks Dreammaster why Penacony was the chosen planet to bring “paradise” of the Order. If he was completely convinced, why would he pose these questions?
Sunday several times brings the part of 107,336 souls of the Oak Family in his monologues. Why? Because he uses them to give self-validation to his beliefs. It comes not only from his desire to grant “paradise” to everyone (and this guys as stated dreamed about the paradise of Order), but also from his self-perceived responsibility as the Head of the Oak Family to stand up to wishes and desires of his subordinates, to protect them, and as the man with greatest position among them, to fulfil the hardest task. Because if people he is in charge of follow and support his views, not only it gives him more belief in his set of beliefs(ha), but also gives him even greater responsibility to prove that their faith in him, in Order is not misplaced.
In first two acts he displays before us shortcomings of the Harmony, trying to display himself as the ardent believer of the Order:
In the first act “Ode to Prisoner” he says that the freedom was not really achieved in Penacony’s great Independence War, posing a doubt that the ideal of Harmony even existed in Penacony since the very beginning.
In the second act “Ode to Fool” the theme of not so harmonic Harmony remains. Sunday talks about internal civil war between the Family, that eradicated two of the seven families on Penacony. How “harmonic” it is!
But in the last and most important act “Ode to Order” has a surprisingly different theme, hidden in it.
It is supposedly talking about the future of Penacony, but there is something more if you listen to its content once again:
General: “Without a ruler who would protect the weak and fight back against the tyrants?”
Chansellor: “We must assist each other in protecting the weak, just as we must assist each other in opposing the tyrannical.”
This dialogue argues that the very measures Sunday preaches, are not required for the coexistence and unification are also an option. Case of how differently Order and Harmony solve one problem.
Jester: “Without a ruler, who will make the stars follow their paths, the tides rise and fall, and allow life to grow?”
C: “These things did as they will long before the ruler appeared, just as they will continue to do with rulers gone.”
Where the Order requires an all-mighty divine king, controlling the world (like God-Emperor of Mankind from Warhammer), Harmony simply says that actually such beings are not needed.
Minister: “However, now that we have bid farewell to our ruler. Who shall take their place?”
C: “We no longer require a ruler, for we were originally all rulers who stand above all things.”
Once again, order preaches about the ruler on the top of everything, the one who has all of the rights and makes all of decisions. But harmony doesn’t work that way. Harmony preaches that if every person has equal rights to enter its paradise, then they are essentially equal. Where Order differentiates people and treats them differently according to THEIR criteria, harmony does not as THEY are all-embracing.
The choice of the position of Chansellor as the one giving answers is deliberate. It is another innuendo on differences between Harmony and Order. In Order king takes the power and pushes everyone under his control. Chancellor, as the representation of Harmony in this argument, is a position not a person. He is subject to change, unlike king. Unlike king, Chancellor is chosen among the people, by the people. He serves as one man being the voice of many people, for they have chosen him as a Chancellor because their ideals are the same and thus, they have entrusted him to fulfil their ideals in reality in their stead.
Some people were not satisfied that the arguments were not posed against Sunday by the Astral Express. Well, this entire act serves as a counter to his arguments, showing the point of view of Harmony arguing against the necessity of ideals of Order. Most importantly, they don’t disprove hid arguments completely, but rather pose a possible alternative take on things.
The Clockwork doesn’t work on puppets because they are “satisfied”. But what gives satisfaction: Order or Harmony? In my opinion, Harmony. Remember: in THEIR paradise there is “peace bestowed, sorrows and strife released.”
The “king” in the text obviously refers to Ena the Order, and the last talk from the “Future” in the act is about “final rites” to the king, that there is no need to seek THEIR existence, nor remember THEM. It illustrates the final confusion of Sunday: if Ena didn’t fight back while being consumed, if the philosophy of Harmony prevailed in the confrontation among the Paths, why try to restore the Order?
And after that particular act he chose to reveal to us the finale of Ena’s story. That THEY were banished to oblivion by the united will of the people who defied Order. And THEIR death was praised alongside praises for the appearance of Harmony – the ideal that prevailed on Penacony in the end.
And that is what actually 3 is actually about. Puppets(Members of the Beyond the Sky Choir) ask what they and everyone else should do after the “king(Ena)” disappeared.
They feel no safety and out of their comfort zone when the one that controlled everything about their lives suddenly disappeared. And Chancellor’s answers are the representation of the ideology of Harmony, that you don’t need to be controlled to strive in life, for that there is more to universe and that the “king” is not actually required for betterment of society, that society can harmonize and evolve on their own, that the unity of people can replace the “king”. Ironically, “the Ode to Order” doesn’t glorify Order but rather disproves it from being the one and only universal truth.
In this act Sunday actually reveals, intended or not, that he doesn’t disprove Harmony’s ideal, that he subconsciously feels that it can stand on par with the ideal of Order.
Then, Sunday poses between us three questions, each one has different answers depending on your set of believes: order or Harmony. Notice, that Sunday doesn’t give his own answers to the questions.
“Is darkness equal to daylight?”
This question is very metaphorical. Radiance and light, eradicating darkness and giving protection to those under the light are a repeated theme in the ideology of the Order (“I shall ascend to the heavens, becoming the scorching sun. Bathed in my light, my people shall flourish, while all evil shall be eradicated” / “Those who live in the shadows do not bear the right to tread the illuminated stage.” / “I now permit you to gaze into the sun [hardest line in the game btw]”) But radiance is also a term sometimes used to describe Xipe. The greatest difference lies in the fact that what Order will not tolerate (“darkness”), harmony will be able to co-exist with and eventually embrace. So for Order they are different, but for Harmony not at all.
“Are sinners equal to the righteous?”
Order punishes the unjust and uplifts the righteous. For it, they are not equal. But for Harmony they are, mostly because before Xipe the very concept of sinners doesn’t exist. Harmony is all-embracing, for everyone can change for the better and be redeemed.
It is a discourse in philosophy: first question was about whether are you able to tolerate something that goes against you. While Harmony can, Order cannot (Sunday can as literally shown in the quest so he leans more to Harmony in that part). Second question was about whether people can change for the better and be redeemed. Order doesn’t believe in it, Harmony does.
“If you are born weak, which god should you turn for solace?”
It is another question to choose between philosophies because Sunday struggles to choose himself. If you are weak and you bow before someone(“king”) for the protection then this is a choice befitting Order, but if you choose to cooperate with others, uplift one another and “listen beating of billions of hearts holding you on their embrace” then this is the choice of Harmony.
Notice, that Sunday doesn’t consider us as enemies at all. As he says: “I genuinely wish to avoid a violent clash with my esteemed guests from afar.” When Astral Express team asks Sunday why did he invite us to the duel, he responds: “Because our shared goals give equal weight to the beliefs we strive for.” He regards everything happening more like a debate of two equally valid philosophies. Even in the fight with him (second one) he still invites us to join his chorus of Order. And he says “our final talk is concluded” only when he turns into his Embryo of Philosophy form, when literally everyone who could has risen against him. And then he reveals his true emotions:
“If your ‘paradise’ can save more people, sever my path with your hands”
He knows he is not infallible, that his plan can be wrong, that there is a possibility of making better choices, better decisions. And he asks us to prove, that Harmony after all is a stronger concept then that of Order. And his quote before that really makes everything extremely ironic:
“If we had never experienced solitude, how could we embark on different paths?”
Once again, this solitude refers to the times when he still completely followed Harmony. Yet he was the only person on the entire Penacony because of his great compassion, who actually followed what Xipe preached. Yet, in this he was alone. How can you be in Harmony with anyone, if you are alone. The irony is in the fact, that if Robin didn’t leave Penacony, of if he met another genuine believer, he wouldn’t have turn to Order and he would remain under Xipe. With many similarities of Order and Harmony: the epitome of Order is loneliness, being a sole ruler of everything, the epitome of Harmony is a unity of numerous people.
“And thus, my talk about Sunday has concluded. Next part is about Ena.”
Ⅲ
While his monologue about history of Ena can also be interpreted as parts above, it is much more interesting to discuss it when talking about Ena THEMSELVES.
“Let us commence with the dawning of the world… After the Dusk Wars, darkness veiled the sky, and chaos consumed the earth. Ena the Order emerged, destined to restore all existence. That marked the first day.”
The Dusk Wars are one of the most ancient (if not the most) periods of history we know about. Ena emerging at that time, makes THEM one of the oldest Aeons alongside Long, Hooh, Qlipoth and Oroboros.
” THEY gathered nebulae and forged them into picks, thus creating a grand lyre with black and white keys. Strike the white keys, and the sun rose. Strike the black keys moon and the rose. And so the cycle of day and night arose. That marked the second day. “
“THEY transmuted streams of stars into inked nibs, creating symbols to be pronounced and counted. THEY molded stardust into flowing rivers, assigning the righteous upstream and the unjust downstream. Thus, all things were marked and the world learned to discern between good and evil. That marked the third and fourth days. “
“THEY used the planetary rings to establish the law, forging a code of conduct among the masses. A grand lyre with black and white symbols of articulation and numerical notation took the form of musical notes. The downward-flowing river became a melody, and the cannon of law dictated the form. Thus, all mortals found their unique place within this symphony. That marked the fifth and sixth days. “
Ena, as we know was a control freak, at much bigger scale and extent, then Sunday could have ever hoped to become. We know that «Ena's harmonic songs seems to align within a three-dimensional framework, akin to an emperor maintaining hierarchical order among all creatures» Not only people, but the movement of celestial bodies were under THEIR control. THEY wanted to and almost controlled everything in the known cosmos. So, THEY were the only person responsible for everything. And when THEY were consumed, the manager of everything disappeared and the scales of order and discord lost their balance. That is why Hooh intervened and took THEIR responsibilities.
“THEY imbued world with meaning, perfecting all things in the heavens and earth. Then, THEY rested from the labors of creation. Yet, all beings cried to Ena – ‘Under the banner of the Order, you have defined all things in the Cosmos… but this made us realize that we are but puppets in your hands!’ – Thus, on that day, all beings united and cast the Aeon into the abyss of oblivion. That marked the seventh day. “
And this is the most interesting part. We know that Ena was consumed by Xipe, so why does Sunday refer to THEIR death as an action, made by humans?
As we know, Xipe “hails from multiple harmonious celestial words”, “a plural Aeon” and “THEY are the amalgamation of thousands of entities”. Thus, I pose that Xipe ascension was not a process of accension of a one person who somehow become an Aeon, but rather that several beings in a moment of unity (of “harmony”) were ascending as one. Next bit is purely theoretical:
But who could provide such unity before the existence of Harmony? Only the Beyond the Sky Choir – followers of Ena could understand the true extent of Ena’s control over everything and unify to create a change. Thus, mortals ascended into Aeon, befitting their shared beliefs, and from the Beyond the Sky Choir, Xipe arose with a new symphony of Harmony.
ⅠⅤ
Also, some other interesting bits from 2.2. storyline:
The most overlooked part of 2.2 quest for me is that part before boss battle when Sunday says that he doesn’t intend to either resurrect Ena or become a new Aeon of Order. While the actual possibility of such actions remains “enigmatic, we can now speculate that it could be possible to take control of a masterless Path or revive its master. I speculate that when we finally reach strongest Emanators level of poweallies/etc. the enemies we will be facing before actual Aeons will be unique beings like that: fallen Aeons in the process of resurrection or people in the process of becoming a new Aeon of a Path without one.
Another interesting bit of lore about Ena is that while she was “consumed” by Xipe, her Path still lingers in the cosmos masterless. While it was known about Paths of other fallen Aeons it is interesting that even assimilation by a broader concept Aeon isn’t enough to completely eradicate the Path from the face of the cosmos.
Some other connections that I noticed about Sunday while rewatching 2.2 quest were surprising even for me. Name a planet where the ruler intentionally left their subordinates in ignorance about the truth about the events for the sole reason of protecting them? It’s Belobog with Bronya and Seele (I could talk about similarities and differences of Bronya and Sunday but that would make already long post even longer). And this is why Ena was able to persuade Qlipoth. Because Qlipoth shares with THEM that general theme of protection. Because their Paths partly overlap. Because Preservation is about keeping everything dangerous behind the walls (in this case dangerous information about Cocolia), and everything inside the walls is safe, protected, or you could say “in Order”.
Ⅴ
P.S. I feel like in this quest there is still so much more to discuss(and I could write EVEN MORE), but this long wall of text is already too out of character from me as a humble follower of Enigmata.

About me:
Just a SINK taking a career break. I recently left my job at a tech company to do some traveling and soul searching this year. I’ll be visiting New York soon to see my best friend and the first thing I'm gonna have there is a Lox Bagel. :))
Will be hitting Toronto sometime in between to watch a concert. I'm hoping to hang out with some locals to do some photowalks together. I think that’s the best way to get to know the city. I’m selectively extroverted and I find it especially entertaining when the person nerds about something, even if it’s not something I’m into personally.
I’m a Filipina, in case you missed that bit. English is not my first language, but I try. :)
I’m 5’6, Tattooed, I’m tragically pale for a Filipina lol. I don’t tan like most Asians.I lost weight recently thanks to my best friend called calorie deficit and I aim to get more fit this year.
What I’d like to do for fun:
Traveling and discovering new cultures. I went to Hanoi and Sydney during the first half of the year.
Photowalks! I’m a hobbyist photographer.
I can be a homebody when I’m not exploring the world.
Dog mom to a cute chow
Cooking, trying out new restaurants ( I used to be a chef in my past life). Favorite cuisine: Mexican, Mediterranean, Japanese
I’m a sucker for Horror movies - I love a good jump scare
My music taste is eclectic— from Feist to RHCP. I enjoy crafting playlists to match every mood.
I think I’m a decent drummer haha but I sold my set a long time ago so I'm a bit rusty.
About you:
32 and above? Hopefully, you're taller than me, but not a requirement. Great conversationalist. I'm a bit introverted but can get a bit chatty once I'm comfortable. A foodie like me. Knows the good spots for photowalks.
Maybe we can get to know each other first before we meet up? I’m staying somewhere in Queens.
So, as an opening question, if you could splurge on any hobby without any limits, what would it be?
DM me your answer, and let’s take it from there. :) Can trade photos/socials later.
IF I don't respond right away, it's most likely because of the timezone difference.

Good Day Beauties, we're looking for models to create lifestyle content for us. All the work details are mentioned in the video please watch it to know what we want from you.
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Models Recruited will be given $20 sign on bonus.
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This is the process: 1. Screening 2. Completing of Requirements 3. Profile Registration 4. Approval

1. Screening (DM with these details if interested)
2. Fil up this form:

Name: Age: Birthdate: Location: Do you have kids? I yes, how many and how old? Social Media LINK (All social media LINK): And send 10 BEST PHOTOS (Must be near, not far, must not have a shades, or eyeglasses, not with facemasks, must be solo,with full body and close up)
Note: Social medias must be "Single-looking profile" or "Single". Having kids is fine, but relationship in profile is automatic reject.

1. Completing of Requirements:

• 50 Lifestyle Photos (Old Photos is fine as long as it's still quality, you can use your photos that is already posted on your social media) (Maximum 5 photos with family, Maximum 5 Private Photos)
• 20 Lifestyle Videos (Must be 20 seconds above each, no tiktok watermark, you can use Tiktok videos but make sure remove the watermark at Snaptik.com or Ssstik.io Must not have vape, cigarette or liquor on the video, super daring videos (almost nude) are NOT allowed) (With partner NOT ALLOWED)
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• Once the Models already completed all requirements, she just need to wait 2-5 days before the profile will be registered. There are times that it will be later than that if, example, the model needs to send another ID, because the ID photo is not readable, or the date is already expired, etc.

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As many of you may have read, there is a case of two missing adopted kids in North Carolina, where remains have been found. The news has reported that their adoptive “mother” is Avantae Deven.
I’m a curious person and started digging up information on Avantae Deven when I first read the story in my news feed and could not believe what I was reading. It seemed like whomever this woman is must have be using an alias; Avantae Deven is not a name like Kim Jones or Mackenzie Smith.
The more I dug, the weirder it seemed to get. I found a property deed to a place in Sedona, Arizona, and figured out that whomever this Avantae person is, she at one point in time had owned a home together with someone named Nicole Adams. So I dug into who Nicole Adams was, and learned that she was the widow of a spiritual leader named Robert Adams. It appeared to me that there would be no way to identify who Avantae really was, unless I could also identify the true identity of Robert Adams.
*******
I've done investigative work for many years, including skip tracing. I can conclusively state that there was absolutely no person actually named Robert Adams born in New York State on January 21, 1928. This is demonstrated by the New York Birth Index. I have combed the census records for 1930, 1940, and 1950, and cross-checked them against multiple databases, and am confident that nobody with the birth name of Robert Adams was born anywhere in the United States on January 21, 1928.
Moreover, there was absolutely no person with the true name of Robert Adams who died anywhere at all in the United States, let alone Sedona, Arizona, on March 2, 1997. This is demonstrated by the Social Security Death Index.
I began this research largely by performing exhaustive searches on the known addresses that are associated with Robert, his wife Leonie (who used to use the alias Nicole), and Avantae Deven (who turns out to be their daughter Michelle who began using the alias Avantae in the mid-1990’s or so). Most of the addresses are PO boxes. Those that are PO boxes are all *private* PO boxes, not PO boxes that one can rent from the United States Postal Service. To me, that spoke volumes. The family were clearly using aliases.
As I explain further below, I eventually determined that “Robert Adams” was Robert Spiegel, born 21 January 1932 in New York. “Nicole Adams” was actually Aileen Beverly Leonie Maxwell, born February 2, 1929, in Jamaica. “Avantae Deven” is actually their daughter, Michelle K. Spiegel, born on October 1, 1960, in California.
One of Robert’s many false stories about Robert’s life that my research has refuted is Robert’s claim that his mother was Jewish and his father was Catholic. That was a lie. Both of his parents were Jewish. It’s also interesting that he claimed that he was “raised Catholic.” There is absolutely nothing to suggest that. His mother always, in New York, lived in Jewish neighborhoods. Moreover, as will be discussed below, his parents had a Jewish wedding. It’s also downright absurd that he would tell people that he was “half Jewish.” If your mother’s Jewish, you are Jewish, pure and simple. Even if Robert’s father had truly been Catholic (which he wasn’t; his name was Samuel Spiegel and he immigrated to America in 1907, lived with his Jewish, Yiddish-speaking cousins, and spoke Yiddish himself), Robert would have been Jewish because the status of being a Jew comes from the mother. Robert’s mother’s name was Fannie (nee Fleisfeder) Spiegel. Fannie’s parents were Itzik Fleisfeder and Esther Libke (nee Rifkin) Fleisfeder. Esther’s parents were Mendel Rifkin and Sarah whose maiden name is lost to time and the disappearance of the shtetls. Robert’s claim to having had a Catholic father was utterly false, but is part and parcel of his ongoing compulsive daily lying about anything and everything.
Here is the story.
*******
Kolomyia, formerly known as Kolomea, is a city currently located in the Western Ukraine.
On January 21, 1892 (the same year that Kolomea tallis¹ workers went on strike for better pay and working conditions), Kolomea resident Rachel Katz, wife of Abraham Spiegel, gave birth to a son, who was given the name Schmuel.
On the date that Schmuel Spiegel entered the world, Kolomea was ruled by the Austro-Hungarian Monarchy, and almost half of the city’s residents were Jewish.
In June of 1907, fifteen-year-old Schmuel² boarded the Zeeland, which sailed from Antwerp, Belgium, arriving at New York Harbor on June 18, 1907. The ship’s manifest states that Schmuel’s father had paid for his transport, and that Schmuel intended to reside with his father, Abe, in Brooklyn. Schmuel was granted entrance, and took up residence with his cousin Charles Fetner, who resided at 353 Myrtle Avenue, Brooklyn, in Apartment A with his wife Jennie and their baby daughter Ettie. The sparse record that exists suggests that although Schmuel’s father was, indeed, named Abraham, Abraham lived and died in Europe, without immigrating to America.
The 1910 census describes Samuel’s cousin Charles as a carpenter, who had been married to housewife Jennie for six years, and a father of three children-- Ettie age four, Nathan age two, and baby Jacob, who was not even a year old. Eighteen-year-old Samuel was identified by profession as a “Foreman Sailmaker” in an industry described as “pocket-books.”
Three and a half years after being granted admission, on a bitterly cold winter day, January 4, 1911, Schmuel (now employed as a pocket-book maker, and having Anglicized his name to Samuel) signed and submitted his declaration to become a United States citizen. He stated, in that declaration, that he was born on January 21, 1892.
By 1915, Samuel had left his cousin’s abode and was residing as a lodger in the home of a widow named Rose Hammer, who lived with her two adolescent sons, Meyer and Louis, at 531 E. 5^th Avenue; Samuel was now working as a “driver.”
Two years after the 1915 state census was taken, Samuel had moved back to Myrtle Avenue, but this time at building no. 849. On June 15, 2017, Samuel registered for the draft, and described himself as being a pocketbook maker, working for “A. Shoenfeld,” at 101 Crosby Street, New York. He was single. He stated, in his draft registration, that he was born on January 21, 1892.
*******
A woman named Fruma Fleisfeder was born in Beltz, Bessarabia, sometime between July 1, 1893, and 1901, to Itzik Fleisfeder and Esther Lieba Rifkin. Fruma (not living up to her pious given name) provided different dates and years of birth to different authorities on different occasions, making it impossible at this point in time to know her true position in the birth order of her family. Regardless, Fruma, who began using the name Fanny upon her entrance to the United States, did have three brothers and a sister who also came to America-- Louis Fleisfeder who was born April 10, 1890, Max Irving Fleisfeder who used October 10, 1892 as his birthdate, Hersch (later known as Harry), whose official birthdate was December 15, 1901, and Sylvia who was born in approximately 1906.
On December 1, 1919, Fruma arrived in New York Harbor on the ship La Touraine, declaring her intention, at entry, to become a United States Citizen. The ship’s manifest describes her as five feet five inches tall, with fair hair, blue eyes, and a fair complexion. The ship’s manifest states that she was, at that time, age 24. If that were correct, she would have been born in 1895.
Fruma (then going by Fanny) took up residence with her cousin Ethel (nee Ruchlin) and Ethel’s husband Samuel Steinberg, on 15^th Street, Brooklyn. Soon thereafter, Ethel gave birth to her first child, a daughter named Theresa. The 1920 census states that Fanny was Russian, didn’t speak English but, rather, spoke Hebrew, and worked as a milliner in a millinery store. The 1920 census also states that Fanny was age 25, which lines up with her being age 24 in the prior year’s ship manifest.
*******
Sam and Fanny married in Manhattan on January 24, 1925. Their marriage certificate (signed by each of them) identifies Sam as being age 32 (contradicting, by one year, his immigration records which would have placed him at age 33), and identifies Fanny as age 24, the same age that she had claimed to be six years prior, and also contradicting an immigration petition that she would file two decades in the future, which generally placed her birth year at the mid-point of 1893.
If Fanny’s immigration records (which included a petition with her signature on it) were correct, Fanny would also have been age 32 as of her marriage to Samuel, not age 24.
So did Fanny lie in her marriage certificate? Or did she lie in her immigration petition?
The marriage certificate identifies Sam as having been born in Kolomea, Austria, and his father being Abraham, and his mother being Rachel Katz. It identifies Fanny as having been born in Beltz, Russia, to a father named Isaac, and to a mother named Esther Rifkin.
The marriage certificate does not identify Fanny as having any profession, but identifies Sam as being a pocketbook maker.
Sam and Fannie were married at 125 E. 4^th Street, Manhattan, a six-story apartment building with retail units on the ground floor that is now an expensive co-op, with three-bedroom units selling for over $900,000. Present-day real estate advertisements alternatively state that the building was built in 1894, 1903, and 1905.
The first name of the rabbi who officiated was Harry. His surname starts with Reid, but the remaining letters of his signature are illegible. Rabbi Harry identified his residence as 232 Broome Street, which, at the time, was a four-story mixed use building that, among other things, housed Chevrah Ahavath Zedek Anshei Jaskinover.
Witnesses to the marriage were Mayer Budmon and Samuel Steinberg.
*******
Sam and Fanny’s existence was documented next in the 1925 New York State census by census. They were living at 205 S. 2^nd Street. Samuel was still working as a “pocketbook maker.” Fanny was identified as a “housewife.”
Fanny was identified as age 25. This was in accordance with her age as stated on her marriage certificate, but not in accordance with her immigration documents or the 1920 census.
Sam was identified as being age 28, which conflicted with all prior records.
*******
In 1930, the couple were again enumerated, this time in the Federal census. The enumerator, whose signature appears to be “Max Krahn” (or something like that) stated that he obtained the information on April 16, 1930.
Sam was identified as a “framer” of pocketbooks. He was identified as being 36 years of age, which conflicts by two years with the age that he provided to immigration authorities. Perhaps the enumerator was simply sloppy; Samuel was also incorrectly identified in the 1930 census as having been born in “Poland,” with parents who were both also born in “Poland,” notwithstanding other governmental records having identified him as being Austrian. The language he spoke? “Jewish,” according to the enumerator. Was that to mean Hebrew? Yiddish? Both?
Fannie was identified as age 30 (directly in conflict with the information she supplied in her immigration petition, which bears her signature) and as being “Russian,” with parents born in “Russia.” The 1930 census enumerator incorrectly wrote that her year of immigration was 1921. Fannie, too, was identified by the enumerator as speaking the “Jewish” language.
Although later records reflected that Sam and Fannie had a son named Irving who was born in 1926, Irving was not recorded in the 1930 census. Was he missed by the enumerator? Or was he a later-adopted son?
The couple also had a boarder, identified by the 1930 enumerator as one Esther “Larson,” age 40, born in Russia, and similarly a speaker of the “Jewish” language.
*******
The New York Birth Index identifies a baby boy, Robert Spiegel, as one of many babies having been born in the city on January 21, 1932.
*******
On May 21, 1936, Samuel committed suicide by hanging in the family residence, a tenement apartment located at 1168 Union Avenue, in the Bronx. Although, based upon the date of birth that Samuel used for official governmental purposes he was age 44, the death certificate stated that he was age 43.
Fannie engaged the Gordon Funeral Home to prepare him for burial.
Strangely, although Samuel’s headstone accurately identified him in Hebrew as Schmuel Spiegel, son of Avraham, it inexplicably incorrectly stated that he died at age 40.
Fannie of course knew her husband’s real age; both of them signed the marriage certificate that had Samuel’s correct age listed. Furthermore, Samuel had petitioned for citizenship in 1911, and stated that his date of birth was January 18, 1892.
Why would Fannie commission a headstone with a false age? Perhaps she, like her son, was a compulsive liar. Maybe that’s where Robert got it from.
*******
The 1940 census has Fannie (identified as age 38), Robert (identified as age 8), and Fannie’s son/Robert’s brother, Irving Spiegel, age 13, as living with Fannie’s 72-year-old mother, Esther Fleisfeder, at 1537 Fulton Avenue, in the Bronx. Fannie and Esther were identified as widows. Esther was identified as “U” (unable to work), while Fannie was identified as engaged in housework. No source of income for the family was identified.
No explanation is obvious regarding where Irving was living in the census taken a decade previously. Was he adopted?
There is no “Irving Spiegel” listed in the New York Birth Index for either 1926 or 1927. There is an “Irving Spiegal” listed, who was born April 29, 1926. But he is not Irving Spiegel.
I initially thought that perhaps Irving might be one of the unnamed Baby Boy Spiegels born in New York in 1926 or 1927, and that he left the hospital unnamed because his parents were waiting for his bris before naming him. However, Robert left the hospital with the name Robert. Why wait until the bris to name one child, but not the other?
*******
Slightly less than two years after she was enumerated in the 1940 census, Fannie’s mother Esther died, at home, at 1537 Fulton Avenue. The causes of death were “Coronary Thrombosis, Pulmonary Oedema Nephritis, Hypertension, Arteriosclerosis.” Esther left this world on February 6, 1942, the same day that the W. L. Steed was torpedoed, shelled and sunk less than a hundred nautical miles east of the mouth of Delaware River by a German submarine.
She was buried at Mount Moriah Cemetery in Fairview, New Jersey, the same cemetery where her son-in-law Samuel was interred.
*******
On November 12, 1943, Fannie, now residing at 1985 Bathgate Avenue, in the Bronx, petitioned for citizenship. She claimed, in that document bearing her signature, to be fifty years of age, meaning that if she was telling the truth, she would have been born in approximately 1893.
*******
On January 19, 1948, Robert (having assumed a false date of birth, that being January 18, 1931), enlisted in the New York National Guard. On paper, he had turned age 17 the day before his enlistment. In reality, he would be turning age 16 two days after his enlistment.
On December 9, 1949, Robert was discharged from the national guard, apparently for having been AWOL.
The discharge document identifies his address as being 1985 Bathgate Avenue, New York City.
*******
The 1950 census places Robert again at 1985 Bathgate Avenue, New York City. It correctly identifies him as age 18, and states that he worked as a shipping clerk for a newspaper company.
According to the 1950 census, Robert resided at the Bathgate Avenue address with his mother Fannie, who was purportedly still age 50 (seven years after she had previously claimed to immigration authorities to be age 50), and Robert’s brother Irving, age 24.
Irving was listed as unemployed and moreover, according to the census record, had not worked for the prior year. Fannie was employed full-time as a milliner in a hat factory.
*******
Military records reflect that Irving J. Spiegel, born in 1926 and a resident of 1985 Bathgate Avenue, who had completed two years of high school education, had flown bomber planes over Germany during the war. In his military documents, Irving described himself as single, with two dependents.
*******
On February 2, 1929, a baby girl given the name Aileen Beverly Leone Maxwell was born in Lucea, Hanover, Jamaica, to William Maxwell and Daisy (nee Tibbits) Maxwell. Her birth was registered by her parents.
*******
In 1954, Robert Spiegel and Aileen Maxwell were married in New York City. Their marriage license was given License No. 10284.
*******
The following year, the Kingston, Jamaica, Gleaner reported on June 6, 1955:
Miss Leonie Maxwell, daughter of Mr. and Mrs. W. J. Maxwell, was married recently in New York City to Mr. Robert Spiegel of the U.S.A. Both the bride and groom are students at the New York Institute of Dietetics. The bride left the island nearly two years ago for New York. Her wedding gown was chantilly lace and nylon tulle. The bodice was fashioned with a wide, scalloped neckline and elbow-length sleeves. Her three tier skirt of chantilly lace was over pleated nylon tulle. Her fingertip-length veil was adorned with pearls.
*******
If the claim regarding the couple studying at the New York Institute of Dietetics was even true, their studies at this institution didn’t last long. In May of 1956, a number of advertisements bearing Robert’s photograph appeared in the Kingston, Jamaica Gleaner. The advertisements described Robert as a psychologist, author, lecturer, and “practitioner in auto suggestion,” and identified him as “Dr. J. Robert Spiegel.” Readers were invited to come meet Robert on May 21, 1956, at Record Plaza, where he would be autographing his “latest” “world-wide” 33 and 1/3 RPM record, “How to Stop Smoking in 7 days by Auto-Suggestion.”
*******
On May 1, 1959, three residents of 1985 Bathgate Avenue, Bronx, New York, came through customs, having returned from a trip to Jamaica. They identified themselves as “Robert D. Spiegel” born in New York (in addition to giving himself a false middle initial, Robert neglected to complete the I-94-A fully, specifically by leaving his birthdate blank), “Leonie A. Spiegel” born in Jamaica on February 2, 1929, and their minor daughter, and “Sharon S. Spiegel,” born in New York. Someone also neglected to fully complete Sharon’s I-94-A, specifically by leaving her birthdate blank.
*******
Leonie had taken Sharon to Jamaica two years earlier. There are no publicly available records pertaining to their outbound transport from the United States to Jamaica. There is, however, a record pertaining to their return to the United States. That publicly available record does not provide their address, but Sharon is identified as weighing 1 stone 5 pounds (a total of 19 pounds), and Leonie is identified as weighing six stone 5 pounds (89 pounds). Interestingly, Leonie used the name “Aileen Spiegel,” and the records assert that Aileen has no middle initial. Aileen was / is her true legal first name, but it is a lie to say that she has no middle initial.
*******
Almost two years later, on January 5, 1958, the Kingston, Jamaica Gleaner reported:
Staying at the Tamarind Hotel are Mr. and Mrs. Bob Spiegel and daughter Sharon of Miami, Florida. Mrs. Spiegel is the former Leonie Maxwell, daughter of Mr. and Mrs. W. J. Maxwell of Lucea and has been in the United States for several years. A welcome party in their honour was given last Saturday night by Messers. Horrace, Ray, and Dennis Maxwell, brothers of Mrs. Spiegel. It was a very enjoyable affair.
*******
In 1963, roughly five years after their 1958 visit to Jamaica, Leonie petitioned for naturalization, in Louisiana. Although I am in possession of the index showing that she petitioned in 1963, I do not possess the petition itself. However, the fact that she petitioned for naturalization in Louisiana demonstrates that that at least she was residing in Louisiana at the time. Since she stated that she didn’t leave Robert’s side for over 40 years, presumably Robert, young Sharon, and also baby Michelle were living in Louisiana at that time.
*******
People who knew Robert personally relate that he stated that Leonie was a Cayman Island heiress. She wasn’t. Not only was she not born in the Cayman Islands, Leonie’s father’s estate was litigated (with the judge ruling against her) long before Robert started telling people that his wife was a Cayman Islands heiress.
Leonie’s father did leave an estate, but not to her. On November 9, 1967, the Gleaner reported that the Supreme Court had upheld the will of the late William Josiah Maxwell, the father of Horrace, Ray, Dennis, and Leonie, and the husband of Daisy Maxwell, who had contended that William’s signature was a forgery and that the person to whom his estate had been bequeathed had exercised undue influence. The court disagreed. The article reported:
The estate, which one of the executors described as “a sizeable one,” included 112 acres of land at Paradise and three houses at Lucea, Hanover.
*******
Robert apparently wasn’t banking on Leonie’s inheritance in any event. In May of 1966, advertisements appeared in the Houston Chronicle with Robert’s photo on them, selling a record that would purportedly assist people in stopping smoking in seven days. He identified himself as “Dr. J. Robert Spiegel.”
*******
On page 55 of the November 15, 1969, San Antonio, Texas Express and News, was an advertisement stating:
SCIENCE OF THE MIND
Dr. J. Robert Spiegel of Houston, director and founder of the Science of the Mind Foundation there, is conducting Sunday evening meetings at 7:30 p.m. in the Sheraton Inn, 1400 Austin Hwy.
*******
On page 4 of the July 10, 1970 edition of the Fort Worth Star-Telegram was a photograph of Robert, with a brief local news blurb:
GUEST – Dr. J Robert Spiegel of Houston, Science of Mind Foundation director, will speak at the 10:45 a.m. service tomorrow in First Church of Religious Science, 2001 6^th Ave. His subject is “What Religious Science Teaches.”
*******
On page 8 of the June 18, 1970 edition of the Houston Daily Cougar was this advertisement:
HOME OF UNIVERSAL LIFE
“Teaching Aquarian Meditation For The New Age
Meets Every Sunday, 11:00 A.M. At The World Trade Center Auditorium
Houston, Texas
DR. J. ROBERT SPIEGEL (BRAHMADANDA) DIRECTOR - FOUNDER
Aquarian Meditation Initiation for the first time offered through correspondence. For those sincere students wishing to bypass evolution and enter the 5th Kingdom. Initiation includes meditation technique, Mantra, how to "live” 24 hours a day, and much more. Write for application today:
P.O. Box 53328 Houston, Texas 052
*******
From the Galveston Daily News, May 02, 1971, Pg. 31:
AQUARIAN MEDITATION SOCIETY PRESENTS DR. J. ROBERT SPIEGEL AN AUTHOR, LECTURER, TEACHER OF YOGA & SELF DEVELOPMENT WILL SPEAK ON MAN, MIND & THE UNIVERSE WEDNESDAY, MAY 5th AT 7:30 P.M. IN THE RECREATION CENTER HARRIS COUNTY PARK, NASA RD. # 1 ALL WELCOME — DONATION $1.50
*******
The 1972 Spiritual Community Guide lists Robert twice, in the San Diego area. First, on page 117, using his alias “J. Robert Spiegel”:
THE TEMPLE OF METAPHYSICAL ABUNDANCE. J. Robert Spiegel, 1118 Torrey Pines Rd., 92037. Teaches yoga, nutrition, ESP, metaphysics, psychology, mind control
Second, on page 124, in which he, as one might have predicted, was masquerading as some sort of medical man or scholar:
"AQUARIAN MEDITATION SOCIETY, U. S. Grant Hotel, Attn: Dr. Robert Spiegel, 453-7588"
*******
Also in 1972, Volume 25 of San Diego Magazine published in November advertised gift certificates for the “Astrology Research Center.” “Give your loved one the gift of love. Only $50” said the advertisement. Where was this entity located? At 1118 Torrey Pines Road, the same address as Robert’s Temple of Metaphysical Abundance. The advertisement purported that person identified as “Lil Canaan” was the director. The telephone number was 459-6400.
In 2013, the San Diego Union Tribune published the obituary for Lillian Mulonas, who founded the La Jolla “Astrology Research Center.” At this point in time, unless Robert Adams’ only surviving daughter, Michelle/ Prentiss/ Avantae knows the answer and talks, we will not know what relationship, if any, existed between Robert’s Temple of Metaphysical Abundance and Lilian’s Astrology Research Center, both of which were located at 1118 Torrey Pines Road in 1972.
*******
From the July 12, 1973, San Diego Reader:
BRAHMADANDA FOUNDATION
“Teachings of the Cosmic Way” meets Sundays, 11:00 a.m., U.S. Grant Hotel, Crystal Room. Free admission, refreshments served. Call 453-7588 for more information.
*******
On page 51 of the June 29, 1974 edition of Phoenix’s Arizona Republic was the following advertisement:
Speaker from San Diego
Dr. J. Robert Spiegel from San Diego, a traveler and lecturer, will speak at 8 p.m., Friday in Universal Series Center, 4340 N. Seventh Ave., on the topic “Science of Being.”
He is the founder of the “Aquarian Meditation Society” in Jamaica and is founder and publisher of “Equinox,” a philosophical newspaper.
*******
The family (Adams or Spiegel, however one might want to refer to them) have resided in (that I know of) New York, Miami, Jamaica, Louisiana, La Jolla, Los Angeles, Houston, New Mexico, Hawaii, Las Vegas, Scottsdale, Sedona, and a number of cities in North Carolina.
*******
In at least the 1990’s, before he left for Sedona, Robert Adams used the address PO Box 7210, Jordan Avenue, D-30, Canoga Park, CA. He used that address on correspondence he wrote, and on at least one published document. Who else used that address? The data aggregators show that this address was also used by a Michelle K. Spiegel, and a person going by the name Leonie Maxwell. Michelle and Leonie also used other addresses associated with Robert, those being 1815 Willis Avenue Panorama City, and 21551 Burbank Boulevard, Woodland Hills.
*******
The California Birth Index shows that Michelle K. Spiegel was born on October 1, 1960, in Los Angeles County, to a mother with the maiden name Maxwell.
*******
In later life, Michelle used the addresses above that are associated with Robert and Leonie, as well as an address of 12004 Vanowen Street #14, North Hollywood. This is the same address at which Denniston Keith Maxwell, one of Leonie’s younger brothers, resided at, after his immigration to the United States. Denniston was one of Michelle’s uncles.
In a recent Facebook posting, Michelle/Avantae stated: “Never knew anything personal about said uncles, etc. Never asked, never cared.” Really? She shared an address with an uncle? Her uncle lived within a few minutes’ drive from her parents, and Michelle/Avantae never knew anything about him?
As an aside, Michelle/Avantae alleged (or admitted) that she “never cared” about anything personal regarding her uncles. If that is true, what does that tell us about Michelle/Avantae’s fundamental character? Antisocial? Psychopathic? Narcissistic in the extreme?
*******
On August 2, 1996, Michelle, going by the name Avantae E. Deven, married Tyson Ruben Alvarez in Las Vegas. The two had addresses in common in Arizona, Nevada, and Montana.
*******
Robert “Adams” died on or about March 2, 1997, in Sedona, Arizona.
Shortly after that, in the spring of 1997, “Nicole Adams” and “Avantae Deven” (both aliases; the correct legal names are Aileen Beverly Leonie Spiegel and Michelle K. Spiegel) purchased a home together in Sedona, on Navahopi Road. Shortly after the purchase, “Nicole” quit-claimed her portion to “Avantae.”
On July 17, 2001, Tyson, still married to “Avantae,” quit-claimed any interest in the Navahopi property to “Avantae,” and had the county recorder send the deed to “Avantae” in care of the Infinity Institute, at that time located at 9101 W. Sahara Ave. Suite 105 C29 (in other words, a private post box), in Las Vegas.
Avantae divorced Tyson in 2006. She had, by then, moved to North Carolina. She “served” Tyson via publication summons, claiming that she was unable to find him, despite his information being on multiple data aggregators.
You can go to various Facebook groups, and other sources, to pull up the documents that people have uncovered showing who is associated with the "Infinity Institute," and in what fashion, and also the addresses that they have used over the years.
In any event, this is the information regarding Robert that I think that people need to be aware of.
Why turn to a known liar and con man for spiritual guidance?
1A tallis is a prayer shawl.
2The ship’s manifest states that he was age 14, which conflicts by one year with what Samuel identified as his date of birth. These errors are not uncommon; his fare could have been purchased when he was age 14 and the records not updated.

I just saw this statistic. Only 1.9% of men our age are still virgins. At that is including people who did it by choice. The percent of losers that nobody wanted like us is even smaller. We really are society's leftovers. Like the Hells Angels but we are losers instead of bikers
My life has been on a downvard spiral ever since i finished high school. I really thought i have it in me and can earn myself a happy life in college and after that. But i failed at everything. I didn't make friends. I didn't get dates. I didn't get invited to parties. I got kicked out of theatre. I failed at becoming a better musician. I failed at going to the USA before the various riots in 2020 made me despise the country. I got abused. I failed to replace her with someone better. I failed at getting back at her. I failed at protecting myself from future bullying. I failed at not doing the shit she told me to do. And i even failed at having sex at a normal age and i'm forever stuck within the 1,9% of leftovers
So what did i acomplish? I lost weight and don't look like a neckbeard anymore. After 6 years i finally started that fucking rpg group that nobody ever wanted to join. I finished college. I got a useless meme degree that i don't know what to do with but i did finish it. Hooray. I don't have dreams anymore. I don't even have nightmares because they all came true. Well, there is the one of me getting crippled. I'm still afraid of ever getting crippled. Scratch that, i still have dreams. I sometimes dream about my former friends from high school. Then i wake up crying and mumbling "Give it back. Give it back. Please, give it back"

Before I start, this story is long, and I'll repeat myself a lot; my first goal is to get what's inside me out and vent, so please be patient and if you respond be respectful, please.
I (29M) came out of the closet about two years ago, but living in the environment I live in, I couldn't be as open as I would have liked until recently. During that time, I lost a lot of weight and gained confidence in myself, which made it easier for me to open up to the world that interested me. I'm not someone with much experience when it comes to sex, but I've had my adventures, mostly with women, but once I accepted who I am, my experiences shifted towards men. In recent years, I've had fleeting relationships and two relationships that lasted more than four months, but in recent months, I've been puzzled by a situation I've had to live through, and that's why I'm writing this here, to see if the perspective of strangers helps me clarify my thoughts a bit.
I don't consider myself ugly; I can even be attractive, both physically and in personality, but insecurities have affected me since I was very young. This story begins in September of last year when I started working at a new company. The workgroup consists of about 30 colleagues, some of whom I knew from before. But the story focuses on a guy (32M), let's call him Stephen. I must mention that he didn't attract me at first; he's not my physical type. But around November, as I got to know him, I was attracted to his personality, which surprised me because I'm usually a very superficial person (I know I need to work on that), and it's not very common for me to be attracted to someone because of their personality.
Over time, I formed a very close group of friends, who told each other everything that happened in our daily lives, so it was only a matter of time before I mentioned to them that I was attracted to Stephen. The three colleagues, Anna (37F), Violet (36F), and Lily (20F), were happy for me and told me that the interest seemed mutual because they thought the guy was getting very close to me. I liked that because I had already noticed that the jokes or comments I made to him received the same response, or at least he played along.
We reached December, we organized a dinner with some colleagues, and both he and I attended. By then, my colleagues had been pressuring me a lot to tell him something, but since we only had a relationship at work, I didn't dare to take the step; it didn't seem right to me. I also mentioned my situation to my friends, who could give me another point of view, but they all told me that not seeing the relationship we had made it difficult for them to evaluate it. I must mention that all this was happening while I was seeing another guy, John (27M), in a stable relationship for 6 months.
At the dinner and at the after-party, Stephen didn't leave my side. If I went out to smoke, he came out with me even though he doesn't smoke; if I had a drink, he accompanied me to the bar. My colleagues were ecstatic because they saw that this was the night something was going to happen. Well, it didn't. Between my relationship with John and the nerves of the moment, I didn't dare to do anything. But I already saw clearly that with those ideas in my head, the relationship with John was unfeasible; he was no longer my priority. We broke up during the following week.
I was already going all out for Stephen; I was attracted to his personality, to what he could offer me in a relationship. The week before Christmas arrived. We had a one-week break from work, and I didn't want to leave with doubts on vacation. On Tuesday of that week, I went to talk to him about the subject, determined, but when I started talking, I saw that we weren't alone, and I didn't dare to continue. I didn't dare again until Friday; he insisted that I finish saying what I had to tell him, which excited me even more because in my head, what I wanted to tell him seemed obvious.
Friday came, the last day for me to tell him something. When there was an hour left to finish the workday, I saw that we were alone, and I approached him. I was very nervous, I even stuttered, but I practically told him that I found him a very interesting guy and that I would like to get to know him outside of work, to which he responded that he was flattered but that he was not homosexual. It crushed me. I tried to disguise it by saying that he had become a very important support at work and that I wouldn't want this to ruin that relationship; he accepted it.
I left there as quickly as possible, holding back tears as best I could (yes, very teenage everything). I met up with my colleagues and told them what had happened. They supported me, but they kept saying that they didn't believe Stephen, that the relationship we had wasn't just friendship. I didn't give importance to that; at that moment I just wanted to forget what had happened. It was one of the toughest Christmases I've ever had. My family didn't know anything, my friends outside of work didn't understand it, and my work colleagues kept insisting that I needed to clarify things even more with him. My head was spinning.
I decided that I was going to fulfill what I said to Stephen, that the work relationship would continue as it had until that moment. The first week was weird and tough, I won't deny it, but I handled it quite well. I insisted that my colleagues avoid the subject, but it was impossible not to see the looks every time Stephen and I talked. Over time, we've returned to jokes, and although there's attraction on my part, I've come to understand that nothing will ever happen between us. Or so I thought. The last month I've had abrupt changes in my life. My grandmother died, I started dating Parker (33M), I got promoted at work, and I moved out on my own. It's important to mention, I think, that Stephen was my superior, and now, with the promotion, he's my immediate superior, I have to answer to him. So we spend much more time together, and we've come to know each other more intimately. I know about his problems with family, his friends, his plans for the weekend... But he never talks to me about relationships. We have a colleague who lives in the same city as Stephen, who has known him for years, and my colleagues, being the gossips they are, interrogated her about Stephen, and she managed to find out that he has never had a known relationship, nor has he had relationships with anyone, which surprised us all because, even though he's not my type, he's an athletic and quite attractive man.
Meanwhile, physical contact has emerged; he touches my shoulder when speaking, he hugs me when greeting me in the mornings... That was what I was missing. Just when I was rebuilding my life after the Christmas fiasco, to doubt again because of physical contact, once more when I was in a relationship that seemed perfect on the surface. More doubts on the subject. I had been with Parker for three months; I met him at a party with friends, in early February, falling back into the same old mistakes, focusing on the physical and then on the personality, luckily we were compatible, until feelings for Stephen surfaced again. The relationship faded, literally, no sex, no affection, no compatibility. My work colleagues didn't accept Parker, they were still insisting on Stephen. We come to yesterday, I broke up with Parker last week, and I really felt bad because it seemed to me that I was making the same mistakes as with John, obsessing over a relationship that didn't exist, that I had already received rejection for. But I moved to my new house, perfect for me, and liked by everyone, even Stephen. Today I received the comment that led me to speak here. I have organized a dinner next weekend at my house, Stephen is coming, he has asked to stay the night, I only have one bed, he has said we will share with a wink. I got excited, but I don't want to. I couldn't bear another fiasco. My work colleagues are already on cloud nine.
So I ask, do I have reasons to be excited?

• They start out by talking about how they are similar people, they both say what they are thinking and present their very real selves online which causes a lot of backlash
• KB asks what Maria was doing prior to being on the Bach?
• Maria worked for her families sprinkle company, they make sprinkles like the toppings lol Maria's Dad owned a chocolate factory prior so now they do this and Maria was his assistant
• KB asks Maria what made her nervous about doing their interview?
• Maria says that she was always a fan of KB and "wanted to be a Kaitlyn" if she went on the show. She was nervous about the interview because they are already comfy with one another so she wasn't sure what she was going to say.
• Maria tells KB that she actually went to one of her wine events a while ago and they met and took a shot together, KB says she remembers but also didn't remember lol
• Maria went on the show wanting to be different, be herself fully and push the limits

Maria's Storyline/Edit on the show

• KB says she didn't watch the season but that it really blew up and it seems like the show is fully back
• KB asks Maria if she thinks the drama on the show was portrayed accurately?
• Maria says she felt like the edit was very true to how it all happened. She said some girls claim they got bad edits but from her perspective it was a very honest edit
• Maria said that she didn't have anyone in the house coming to her defense but that she had also told the girls she was close with that they should just stay out of it and not come to her defense. The audience really had her back which was a nice feeling
• Maria says KB walked so she could run, feels like KB was very different on the show from the "norm" and opened the door for less perfect women to be on
• Maria asks KB if she has brothers?
• KB says she has a sister that feels like a brother. Says her and her sister both have dude energy "alpha energy", Maria says she does too. KB says she has girlfriends but loves guy energy

Talking about Maria wanting to go on the show

• KB brings up how Maria has stated she wanted to go on the show and that others say it's the wrong reasons. KB says she went on the show to build a brand/career and move forward in life. She doesn't think it's a bad thing, she went on to build a brand and also was open to falling in love
• KB asks about Marias thoughts on that?
• Maria says she has been open and honest about how she has always wanted to be on the show. She says people were responding well to that because she was honest about it. She wasn't asked to be on, she was asking what to do to get on
• Maria mentions Nick saying that she kept asking him to get her on the show. She says no, she did this all on her own. She says he put it out there like it was a dig but she had already been open about wanting to be on the show so she felt it didn't land
• Maria loved the show and was so open to it and felt the timing was perfect when she did go on because she felt ready for it
• As soon as she found out it was Joey, Maria contacted a producer she had been in contact with prior asking her to put her in the running to be on the season. 3 days prior to filming starting they called her and told her to pack and get ready to go
• Maria says every person on the show knows what they are doing and they want to be on the show, Maria is just one of the only people being honest about that

Jenn as Bachelorette

• Maria says she wants to clarify what she said about Jenn on another podcast. Jenn and Maria got really close after the show they were facetiming all the time and talking about wanting to be in relationships and how ready they were for that.
• Maria says during filming Jenn was giving it her all, dropping all walls and putting her full self into this
• Maria says Jenn was so ready to get engaged and get to the next stage of her life, and that is all she meant by what she said is that she is ready for that role
• She wasn't saying that Jenn was in the house talking about wanting to be bachelorette
• Maria says she wasn't super present on social media when the announcement was made because she wanted to make sure Jenn got love and support, all she wanted was for Jenn to get her chance
• She says Nick tried to make it seem like Maria said Jenn only got the opportunity because Maria turned it down but that she didn't mean it like that at all, she says it is Jenns opportunity and it was given to her
• KB says Nick knows that there is usually 4-5 people they will think about for the lead
• Maria asks if they can talk about Rob Mills, Maria says he is the coolest man on earth and KB says she loves him
• Maria says she told Rob Mills that Jenn is perfect for the lead because not only is she so ready for this she will also be important for representation. She is frustrated that her words got twisted into it seeming like she wasn't supportive of Jenn because all she wants is for Jenn to be successful. She wants to be able to share her story and how it unfolded for her while also being fully supportive of Jenn

Maria being offered the bachelorette/KBs time on the bachelor

• KB asks Maria if she regrets turning down bachelorette?
• Maria says no, she put her mental health first and wasn't ready for it and stands by her decision
• KB says she never thought they would pick her for bachelorette, Maria says she thought KB always had it in the bag
• KB says she was probs the most confident in her life when she was on the show and has gone backwards now
• KB says after her breakup with Shawn she said she would never date someone from the franchise again but obviously that wasn't true. She says they are all so attractive and also understand what the experience is like and what they have been through

Random off show stuff/One Direction???

• KB says she was in an athlete era and Maria asks if she was a "puck bunny" and they joke about it for a little while
• Maria is talking about how she would go downtown and go to concerts and meet people/go to after parties with them. What she has always said and done is to never sleep with them, "you want to hang out with them, become friends with them and be the girl they could never get"
• Maria is talking about knowing people (in bands? i don't know this lore sorry), and there was someone on tiktok telling false stories of her Dad being in a band and that's how she knows certain band members but that it's not true
• Maria says (I am going to fully translate this because I am a little lost and confused on the point): "The reality of it is that when you meet people you know, they know people who know people and then you just need to be the girl that never gets touched by these people so that they allow you to be around. And so I've been around them yes, yes. Have I hung around with certain band mates? Sure."
• KB asks which ones, Harry?
• Maria says she has met Harry and has a really funny story with Harry. Her Dad had a meeting in NY so she went with him, her friends told her that 1D was in NY staying at a specific hotel so she talked her Dad into staying at that hotel. Maria says she was walking to the elevators in the hotel and a bunch of fan girls were there screaming because Harry was going into the elevator, the security blocks anyone from going up but Maria had to pee and was a paying customer at the hotel so she gave them the finger and Harry laughed a ton. The security guard came back down and told Maria that Harry thought it was the funniest thing ever and wanted to meet her, so she got to meet Harry later that night. It was a very respectful and sweet meeting.
• Maria talks about being super into Evan Peters

Would Maria date someone in BN?

• Maria met Tyler at stagecoach (among other celebs) she says everyone wants them together but it isn't like that, nothing going on with that
• Maria doesn't think she would date anyone in BN because people (fans) take it to next level, even if she just takes a photo with someone to be nice people run with it
• KB mentions that when Maria took a photo with Jason she got so many DMs from people saying that Maria looked too comfy with Jason
• KB says that everyone asks her if she is gay now because she takes photos with Katie from VPR
• Maria says that a lot of people are calling her a bisexual queen, and she just lets people say whatever at this point

What is a period of Marias life where she was at rock bottom or experienced a lot of growth

• Maria says she had gotten into a really bad car accident in 2018 that was extremely traumatic
• She went into a really bad depressive episode where she was pushing everyone away, she doesn't like to talk about it a lot because it puts her back in that space
• She says the mindset she was in was something she had never experienced before and she wanted to be alone
• Maria says she walked away from the car accident perfectly fine but looking at her car you would think she most likely died
• This is part of the reason she didn't want to entertain the little petty fights in the bachelor house because there are much bigger things to be worried about in life

Nick

• KB asks how Maria knew/met Nick?
• Maria and her friends were fans of the show and liked Nick. They started talking through social media and would literally talk all the time, and would build a friendship
• KB says she did that too with him, and asks if her and Maria ever met in person?
• Maria says yes they met in person, he had told her when he was going to be the bachelor etc
• They would always communicate/found their way back to communicating and it was always friendly
• KB asks if Nick played a role in Maria being on the show?
• Maria says absolutely not
• KB asks how Maria feels about Nicks wife calling her delusional
• Maria says "to each their own". Maria says she made a comment about a conspiracy theory she had, she meant it as a full joke. Nick had told her she would be a villain on the show and she wasn't sure what it meant to be a villain. Then she gets off the show and had a girl villainize her an entire season for no reason, and then she saw a photo of them together and made a joke about how it was weird they knew each other. She wasn't being serious and she was just shooting the shit on CHD and making jokes, but Nick super ran with it.
• KB asks if something went south in Maria's relationship with Nick? If it was all fine why does he seem to want to talk shit with her.
• Maria says that is a good question, she said nice things about Nick on CHD they didn't have any sort of falling out prior they had stopped talking but just because it was natural not because anything happened between them. He didn't say anything bad about her during the season (KB interjects that Nick didn't say anything about her at all). Maria says that she would prefer him to breeze past her then talk shit about her so she was fine with it, but then after the CHD interview it all changed.
• Maria says she didn't know the timeline of his wedding, nothing she said was because he was getting married or anything like that
• Maria said her only goal was to clear up rumors and put that all to rest, she had nothing to hide, she wasn't the one that went through and unliked a bunch of instagram photos which caused the rumors
• Maria says to quote Kendrick Lamar "don't tell lies about me and I won't tell truths about you"

Race Information

• Name: Eugene Marathon
• Date: April 28, 2024
• Distance: 26.2 miles
• Location: Eugene, OR
• Website: https://www.eugenemarathon.com
• Strava: https://www.strava.com/activities/11285376078
• Time: 2:46:46

Goals

Goal	Description	Completed?
A	2:41-2:44	No
B	PR	Yes

Splits

Mile	Splits
1	6:08
2	6:23
3	6:24
4	6:15
5	6:15
6	5:55
7	6:19
8	6:04
9	6:23
10	6:39
11	6:23
12	6:13
13	6:12
14	6:12
15	6:14
16	6:19
17	6:19
18	6:04
19	6:37
20	6:44
21	6:10
22	6:31
23	6:40
24	6:34
25	6:45
26	6:34
0.2	1:27

Training

After racing the Tokyo Marathon in early March, I had 8 weeks before racing Eugene Marathon, which was my second spring marathon. During those 8 weeks, I ran the NYC Half, the Cherry Blossom 5K and Cherry Blossom 10 Miler, and was either recovering from those races or doing my usual runs and workouts to keep my fitness sharp. The workouts and my race results during this time (finished in 1:19 high at the NYC Half on tired legs two weeks after Tokyo, and finished the Cherry Blossom 5K in mid-17s plus turned it around in less than 24 hours after to finish in the low 59 minutes range at the Cherry Blossom 10 Mile Run) suggested that I was in shape to go for a sub-2:45 marathon.
Ultimately, I settled on aiming to finish Eugene somewhere between 2:41 and 2:44. Because this was my final marathon of the spring training cycle, this was my last opportunity to run a fast marathon. Based on my recent race results plus observations from my coach, I was in PR shape; Eugene has ideal weather, and the course was ideal to make such an attempt. Or so I hoped.

Pre-race

I flew over to Portland on Thursday night and spent a couple of nights at my friends’ place and got to hang out with them, plus walk around Portland and check out the sights with them as well. On Saturday, my friends and I drove over to Eugene and we went straight to packet pickup at a hotel around downtown Eugene. The packet pickup was quite smooth, and I was able to pick up my packet and spent some time browsing the vendors at the expo afterwards. The rest of the day was chill; my friends and I did a bit of exploring around downtown Eugene, and we had dinner at the Old Spaghetti Factory that evening. Before heading to bed that night, I laid out my race kit and prepped my gear bag so that I could get dressed and head out to the shuttle pickup area as soon as I woke up that morning.
I woke up on 5 AM on race day, had a quick breakfast, got dressed and headed out of my hotel towards the designated shuttle pick up point. Got on the shuttle bus and we arrived at Hayward Field around 6:20 AM. I quickly took care of business in the bathroom, then went over and dropped my gear bag at the bag check area. I ran into a friend at the gear check area and we went inside Hayward Field so that we could take a look at the famous venue. We then made our way to the start area, and we did a quick warm up jog nearby before entering the start corrals themselves and lining up close to the start area. I took half of a Maurten 160 gel before starting, and I had plans to consume the remainder after the first six miles.
After the usual pre-race remarks and the singing of the National Anthem, the race started at 7 AM and we were on our way!

Race

Start to 5 miles

The course was a bit crowded at the beginning, primarily because the marathoners and half marathoners started at the same time. There was quite a bit of rolling hills during the first 5 miles and so I focused on getting into a groove and going by effort and doing what I could to try to not go out too fast. My bladder was feeling a bit full at the start and I ended up taking a quick pee break after mile 2 and lost 20 seconds in the process.
Otherwise, this stretch was uneventful. We went through some really nice neighborhoods within Eugene during the first two miles, and saw some scenic stretches along the way while heading south towards the first turnaround point. I crossed the 5 mile mark in 31:17

5 miles to 10 miles

As we headed back north towards the center of Eugene, we overlapped a bit with the marathoners and half marathoners coming through in the opposite towards the mile 3 marker. I held my efforts relatively steady on this stretch, and I still felt quite good so far. I took my first gel sometime mile 7, and I was fueling every 30-40 minutes or so throughout the race. After going through the mile 9 marker and running past Hayward Field and the start area (which had been taken down at this point), my stomach started to feel a bit weird and I realized I need to find a porta potty at the next aid station to take care of this, and soon. Fortunately, I did not have to wait too long; there was a porta potty half a mile ahead, and I went straight to it and took care of business there, losing about 20 seconds in the process.
Besides the untimely bathroom stop around mile 9.5, nothing else happened to me on this stretch. I went through the mile 10 checkpoint in 31:23 (1:02:40 elapsed)

10 miles to 15 miles

After passing the mile 10 marker, we went onto the bike path along the Willamette River, before easing back onto Franklin Boulevard. I saw signs telling half marathoners and marathoners that the half/full marathon split at mile 10.75 was coming up; seeing that, I mentally prepared myself to run a good portion of the races with not many runners around me. At mile 10.75, the half and full marathoners split off, and I headed east, crossing the river into Springfield and looped through there for a mile before heading west to continue the rest of my race. Most of this stretch was quite flat, and I got comfortable easing into my goal pace and ticked off the miles. I took another gel sometime after mile 12 and was hitting up almost every water stop along this stretch. After mile 14, we went onto the wooded bike paths, where we would spend most of the second half. The crowd support started to diminish, and this was going to set the tone for the rest of the race.
I went through the 15 mile checkpoint in 31:16 (1:33:56). The organizers did not set up an official halfway checkpoint but based on watch data and the paces from the 5 mile splits, it was likely that I came through the halfway point a few seconds under 1:22.

15 miles to 20 miles

Besides briefly crossing paths with the half marathoners after the mile 15 mark, things started to gradually get tough for me. I was mostly running by myself on the wooden bike paths, with few runners ahead of me or behind me. And the crowd support was sparse too, which did not help; I only saw small crowds every few miles or so. Pace wise, I was holding on, but I was starting to increasingly feel the fatigue and I began to negotiate with myself. Which isn’t what I needed at this point. I wasn’t feeling too great somewhere between the mile 19 and mile 20 markers, and I ended up taking a quick 10-15 second breather at the aid station to catch my breath, take a caffeinated gel and grab some hydration, and put myself back together before continuing.
I went through the mile 20 split with a 32:05 split (2:06:01 elapsed). With a 10K to go, it was going to get harder for me the rest of the way.

20 miles to Finish

What I do remember about the last 6.2 miles, unfortunately, was how hard this was for me. Admittedly, this felt much harder than the last 6.2 miles at the Tokyo Marathon. It was giving me a lot of deja vu, which was not what I needed. My legs felt very heavy and there were times where it felt like I had leg weights tethered to my legs. My legs did not have any life left in them either. I wasn’t feeling too great either, even after taking a quick stop a moment ago. Realizing my predicament, I decided to break the remaining distance up and focused on getting to the next mile marker(s) as a way to keep me motivated the rest of the way. One mile at a time. Then two miles at a time. As I was gradually fading the rest of the way, I remember at least 8-10 runners passing by me during this stretch and clearly they were having a better day than I was having. It didn’t feel great seeing that happen to me but there was nothing I could do about it. Crowd support continued to be sparse up until less than a mile out from the finish at Hayward Field. I took my final gel around mile 23 so that I had enough left in the tank to take me the rest of the way.
It felt like forever, but I finally got to the mile 25 marker, and I remember telling myself “only 1.2 miles left to go”. Soon after I crossed the mile 25 marker, the marathon course merged with the half marathon course and half marathoners were running on the left hand side of the road making their way to the finish, while marathoners were running on the right hand side of the road. I navigated through an underpass, and after coming out of the underpass I saw solid crowd support for the first time since the first half of the race. Lots of spectators were lined up along the road leading to Hayward Field. Completely exhausted at this point and my legs feeling like lead at this point, I interacted with the crowds as best as I could while holding onto the pace the best that I could.
I crossed the mile 26 mark and saw Hayward Field in the distance. I made a right hand turn to enter the track at Hayward Field and took it all in: I am running on Hayward Field itself. What an incredible feeling to experience. With 150 meters to go on the Hayward Field Track, and with the finish line now visible, I picked up the pace and waved to the crowds at the stands as I covered the last 100 meters to the finish.
I crossed the finish line in 2:46:46, finishing 7 seconds faster than the time I ran at Tokyo two months prior. I knew it was going to be close, but talk about cutting it quite close! The 7 second marathon PR that I set at Eugene is now my smallest marathon PR, beating the 9 second marathon PR that I set at the 2021 Chicago Marathon. My result was good enough to place within the top 100 overall, which is quite nice I must say!

Post-race

After crossing the finish, I took a moment to catch my breath, and then took in the moment. I was standing in Hayward Field, where numerous high profile track meets were hosted. And I got to run on the small part of the track on my way to the finish. How cool is that?!
Walking through the chute, I collected my finishers medal and ran into running friends who were either spectating in the standards or crossed the finish line behind me and had quick chats with them. While getting post-race pictures at Hayward Field, I noticed a stain on my singlet and I realized that I experienced significant nipple chafing to the point that my nipple bled. So much for having nice finishing line and post-race photos! And it was the first time that it happened to me. I picked up my post-race food in the Hayward Field stadium tunnel, and gradually made my way out of the stadium towards the gear check area; I eventually reunited with my friends who came with me to Eugene to support me there. Eventually we ran into some of the same running friends at the gear check area and we sat around chatting about how our races went.
My friends and I drove back to Portland later that afternoon, and after I got myself cleaned up, we went over to a nearby bar to celebrate.

Final Thoughts and Updated Marathon Progress

While it was a bit disappointing that I faltered down the stretch and did not hit my goals, I am glad that I held on and squeeze out a small PR of 7 seconds at Eugene; it could have gone a whole lot worse. Hindsight is 20/20 of course, but when I was comparing my pace data and elevation data, it appears I went a big aggressive with the paces and took a bit of a risk there. Much of the rolling hills were in the first 5 miles of the race, and chances are I might have overcooked myself on that stretch; if I had done this differently, I would have told myself to relax on the paces on the rolling hills and not overcook myself in the process.
Above all, I am very grateful to make it through this long (and sometimes weird!) training cycle mostly intact, did not experience significant injuries along the way (!), did not burn out along the way (very important!), and picked up numerous PRs along the way: 10K (en route, twice!), 10 mile, half marathon, and full marathon (twice!). And I think it is fair to say that many people would kill for the kind of success that I’ve had during this training cycle.
That said, I learned a few important lessons throughout this training cycle. First, it appears I got into peak shape during the training block leading up to the Tokyo Marathon, and I did not make any subsequent fitness gains afterwards. It probably did not help that I was recovering from Tokyo or recovering from the shorter distance races that I raced during that 8 week period between Tokyo and Eugene. I’m not getting any younger with every passing year, and I probably need to be more diligent with recovery from races moving forward. That said, I have no regrets about doing those races because I still got solid results out of them. And finally, I realized that I prefer shorter training cycles – specifically ones that are between 12 and 16 weeks in duration – and I peak out at anywhere between 10 and 13 weeks into a training cycle, and I’d like to take advantage of my peak fitness soon after and not any longer beyond that. I’m grateful that I was able to handle a 20-week training cycle so that I could stay in shape for both Tokyo and Eugene, but admittedly this was a bit too long for my tastes. Lessons from this longer-than-usual training cycle will have a significant impact how I plan out my training cycles and races moving forward.
The road ahead for me will only get harder, and I vowed at the beginning of the training cycle to trust the process and not let sub-par workouts or sub-par race results drag me down and cause me to lose sight of the bigger picture. And I am still committed to doing that for myself.
For now though, I’m taking some time off training, running for fun, and looking forward to having a social life and enjoying life in general for a bit before transitioning over to summer outdoor track season. And I look forward to what is next for me!
With that said, here’s the updated version of my marathon PR progress within the past few years.

• 2017 - 5:07:32 (Marine Corps; debut)
• 2018 - 4:03:43 (Chicago)
• 2019 - 3:53:20 (Los Angeles) / 3:31:00 (Berlin)
• 2020 - 3:09:54 (Rhode Island)
• 2021 - 3:09:45 (Chicago)
• 2022 - 3:03:20 (Hartford)
• 2023 - 2:58:06 (London) / 2:50:28 (Berlin) / 2:49:16 (Chicago)
• 2024 - 2:46:53 (Tokyo) / 2:46:46 (Eugene)