Writing a memorial tribute

Hi idk how to approach this writing this makes me stomach hurt and I want to cry. Recently I been feeling really out and kinda in a depressed mood, I have an older brother who been secretly recording me for the longest time and I don’t know what for. For years my brother has been doing weird things to me, it started first when we were really young, I’d say I was in the fourth grade. One day I asked something from my brother and he said that he would only do it if I let him hump me. I didn’t even know what that was at the time and I let him and I felt so uncomfortable and traumatizing idky I didn’t tell my mother at that time. I remember scratching that part of myself really hard bcuz I could still remember how it went down. Another time was when me and my brothers (I have two) were sharing a bedroom, once I found him crawl on the floor right beside in the middle of the night. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was looking for something which IK he wasn’t bcuz it’s midnight, this incident also left a scar in my brain cuz I knew he still didn’t change. Other times I would wake up with my shirt all the way up with my entire chest exposed, and I even made sure it wasn’t me just tossing and turning. Once time I woke up to him pulling my pants down while I was sleeping, another time we were playing fighting and he would grab my boobs and put his fingers up my YK. I didn’t let that slide and I hit him back and screamed at him, I was in shock it was a blur what happened after. I left my bedroom door open on time and I was laying on my stomach went to go grab something turned around to seeing taking a picture of me. Then these sort of things would stop for I’d say a year or two and I thought that these sort of things would end until he started recording me. I first noticed it when he was on his phone and he always held it in a weird positions, other instances he would have his phone held weird and walk back and forth in the living and the camera pointed at me. This would keep happening for the years leading now. I asked if I could use his phone one time and I was able check his gallery to see if was suspicion was true. I found a photo of me sleeping and there were multiple more as well as videos of just my butt. Like it’s disgusting and I hate living here, I cry some nights because these memories sometimes comes back. I can’t even be calm when I see random men just pull out their phones behind me. I hate pretending like idk what he’s doing, and I’m scared to reach out to my parents cause what are they really going to do. I’ve spoken to one person who’s been through my experience but they were able to go away for university and I don’t have the luxury to move away. Idk I feel like Reddit is the only comfort spot for me to share this and hope that other girls who are also in the same shitty situation knows it’s not just them. I think I’ve built the confidence to be able to tell my mother if I catch him one more time IK my mother will be so sad when she hears abt it. I can’t wait to leave and I hope to truly never see him again. Ever.

WAR
A few days later my phone buzz-chirped. I opened my messages to find several pics of Dennis' Jeep, a blurry mess of lights, and a final shot of Dennis leaning back in the driver's seat with his eyes closed and his junk out and at attention. And there was a caption.
"Consider us EVEN."
I saw red. The possibility of finding peaceful contentment with Whisky was a distant memory. A figment of my imagination. I wanted blood. I wanted to slap Mary's fat fucking face senseless. I wanted to rat her out to Chuck. I was livid. Angry heat spread from my sternum to my shoulders, and the sharp sting of wrath radiated through my being. I rang Mary.
Mary: How does it feel, bitch?
I couldn't make words. I was shaking. My head was spinning. All I could muster was a meek little, "Why???"
Mary: You owed me.
Me: Mary, I'm not screwing Whiskers. And how did you even FIND Dennis? Do you even LIKE him?
Mary: Totes! He's soooooo cute! We banged it out five or six times in his car, and then he told me to lie down in the parking lot. And then he pissed all over my titties! It was soooo hot!
Me: I don't believe you. Dennis is into some pervy-ass shit. But not piss.
Mary: Well, he told me you were too vanilla to do anything fun.
Me: YEAH. I didn't wanna get butt-blasted without a rubber by a guy who couldn't even be bothered to show up when we had plans. That's not being vanilla. That's having self-respect.
Mary: Guys don't like girls who make a big deal about self-respect. It's a major turn-off. That's why I get so much more boom-boom than you do. Hey! Now that we're done fighting, you can pick me up and take me out for sushi! I'll teach you how to make men happy and then you'll owe me dinner. I obviously pleased Dennis when you couldn't.
Words failed me yet again. I shouted a much, much filthier version of, "GO SCREW," hung up on her, put on my sneakers, and ran aimlessly through my neighborhood until I almost collapsed. Once I trudged back home, I smoked a shit-ton of cigarettes and drank a shit-ton of vodka (for me, which was like... three shots) and really did collapse.
Up to this point, I felt like I had been patient with Mary. More patient than she deserved. I probably hadn’t done her any favors by allowing her to behave like a fucking maniac while I did nothing more than gently suggesting alternative behaviors. I still wanted to have faith in her ability to grow (emotionally). But all of that came crashing down. For some reason, my formerly improved sense of self-respect crashed as well...
I texted Whisky, planned to meet him at his townhouse, and successfully banged him. It was absolutely a hate bang even though I didn't hate Whisky at all (yet). I'd never engaged in hate-fueled intimacy before. I didn't realize those two states could co-exist like that. As reluctant as I am to admit it, it was cathartic. And it was also admittedly unfair to Whisky because he had no idea what was happening. I had just used him to make myself feel marginally better about a guy I guess I still had some kind of feelings for.
In case I've been unclear, I'm fully acknowledging that my actions were immature, inconsiderate, and indefensible. Don't bang somebody just because you're mad at somebody else, kids. Nobody wins. Well, it might feel like winning for a short time. It's NOT. It's bad behavior. And I absolutely hold myself accountable. Did I deserve to get verbally abused by the psycho neckbeard lurking behind the mask of the man I’d just hate-banged? No. Unequivocally, NO. But would Whisky have been well within his rights to dump me in a spectacular fashion if he’d realized what I was doing in that moment? Abso-freakin-lutely. Hell, I would have totally deserved it if he’d booted me out of his house butt-naked and screamed insults from the window. An isolated hurling of insults is not the same thing as chronic verbal maltreatment within the context of a relationship. But that's a serious topic that feels out of place in this story.
So instead of calling me on my crap and giving my butt the boot, Whisky remained oblivious to what was going on in my misguided mind and took the hate bang to mean that our relationship had just gone to the next level. And he became even sweeter and more affectionate towards me. This made my skin crawl because all my feelings for Dennis (both good and bad) had just come flooding back with a vengeance. I had no idea what to do with them. Part of me wanted Dennis to hug me and apologize. Part of me wanted to punch him in the dick. Part of me wanted Whisky to hug me and assure me that I had value as a human being even if some Golden God hadn’t chosen me to be his partner. And then part of me wanted to snap at Whisky every time he touched me. "You're NOT the one I want, Asshat!!!!!!!"
But the truth was... I didn't really want Dennis anymore. I mean... I wanted him in theory, but I didn't want the real version. He was a flake. He was nasty. I couldn't wrap my head around his inconsistent, albeit devout, spiritual beliefs. He was indeed a braggadocious butthead. I suspected that he wasn't even a very nice person beneath his affable veneer. Even so, I was irrationally irate with Mary for deliberately stalking him and seducing him. Did she really think that would make me look at my relationship with Whisky differently? I hadn't stalked him. I hadn't even pursued him. In fact, I'd rejected him several times (albeit not out of respect for Mary). How are these two situations alike??? What am I failing to see here??? Maybe I was the villain. I certainly wasn't innocent. But neither was Mary.
I mean... Mary was friggin’ MARRIED. And she'd been going around blabbing indelicately about all her supremely nasty boom-boom (whether real or fabricated) with Whiskers, Scumbanger, Tech Guy, Artistic Director, and the Hoggs. How the living, breathing, God-forsaken FUCK had she decided that she was entitled to sexy time with my (former?) crush just because I was dating ONE of the innumerable guys she’d stalked once upon a time???? Gaaaahhhhhhhhh!
And then it got even worse. Dennis was almost finished with his graduate program and was planning to move to New York that summer, while I still had another two years to go (counting the internship). But we both worked in the Neuropharmacology Lab that semester, so I still had to see him every week. Even though nothing had happened between us in a long, long time, I never knew if Dennis was going acknowledge my presence or look right through me. The power of invisibility isn't all it's cracked up ti be. But the next time I saw him, following the Mary tryst, he very deliberately approached me and said in an almost apologetic tone, "Val? Can we please talk after lab?" I nodded.
He asked me to get in his car, but I couldn't stand the thought of sitting in the ghost of Mary's snail trail. I insisted that we sit in my car, and he didn't protest. The familiar scent of mandarins and mountain air wafted through my Prius as I steeled myself for a confrontation.
Dennis: I think your friend stalked me...
Me: The crazy bitch with the big boobs?
Dennis: Yeah... She messaged me on Facebook and she was talking like you'd told her about me and thought we should hang out. I said we should call you and invite you to come along, but she said you had a boyfriend. Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: I'm dating someone. But what does it matter?
Dennis: Oh. I guess it doesn't. Anyway, I met her at this 24-hour diner. She drank like... ten beers even though I told her I don't drink. She kept talking about her cat or something...
Me: Whiskers?
Dennis: Yeah.
Me: That's a guy. She used to have a thing for him.
Dennis: That’s a guy’s name??? Weird. Well, anyway... She got all sloppy and literally started doing mouth stuff to me under the table.
My stomach turned and my blood boiled. "I don't need to hear that. She already told me all about your night. She sent me pictures of your dick and she told me how you peed on her in the parking lot."
Dennis: She said I WHAT??? Babe! Er. Um. Val! I would never do that.
I gave him a skeptical stare.
Dennis: Hand to God! I didn't pee on her. But, wait... She took pictures of my stuff???
I took out my phone and showed him the pic. Dennis blushed ferociously and looked away. Finally, he said quietly, "I'm so ashamed of myself."
I sighed. "You're always ashamed of yourself. That's why I stopped fooling around with you. It felt like you were ashamed of me, too."
Dennis: Babe! No. I just have to get right with God.
Me: Well, have you talked to God about Mary?
Dennis: I'm not ready for that one yet. I feel dirty. Like... dirtier than usual.
Me: Well, now I feel kind of guilty. She's mad at me because I'm dating a guy she used to have a crush on. She went after you because she knew I used to have a crush on you.
Dennis: You had a crush on me??? For real?
At first, I scoffed (thinking he was being sarcastic). Then I looked at his wide eyes and realized that he might have actually been that clueless.
Me: Yes, Dennis. I massively had a crush on you. You knew that. But I was apparently too vanilla for you, according to Mary.
Dennis: What??? Babe! I never said you were vanilla. I said you were classier than her.
Me: Well... Thank you? If that really is what you said to her, I appreciate that.
Dennis (striking his version of a smoldering pose): So. Uh... You still have a crush on me?
Me: I think I'll always wonder what could have been if we were each just... slightly different people. But I had to move on. I knew you didn't like me in that way, and it wasn't fair to either of us.
Dennis: Well, for what it's worth, I wish it had been your mouth the other night.
I finally smiled a little bit. I wished the same thing. But I didn't say that out loud.

Oddly enough, having that somewhat respectful, somewhat reassuring conversation with Dennis quelled my anger at Mary... a little. Don't get me wrong; I was still pissed and I never let her get close to me again after that. But I also never made a big, dramatic show of telling her off. In my mind, that would have invited more unnecessary drama. By tacitly distancing myself and henceforth keeping her at arm's length, she wasn't able to freak out over anything and I was able to keep her out of my business.
Years and years later, even now that Mary is a functional person with a healthy BMI, and much better manners (most of the time), she is still wont to bring up her tryst with Dennis. While I genuinely applaud her for putting in the work and making some sensible changes, I'll never be super buddy-buddy with her again. The fact that she still throws Dennis in my face to this very day makes me suspect that there remains a touch of cray in her gray matter.
And where Whisky was concerned, I had finally felt some sense of closure with Dennis after the aforementioned talk. So I leaned into a new relationship. And it was fine at first. Not super hot, but also not super weird. Having learned from my disgusting mistake, I know that I tend to get tempted to speculate about incredibly offensive crap regarding Funky Whisky whenever his behavior is unremarkable and not in keeping with the delightfully repulsive tone that this audience tends to enjoy. So I'll end this chapter here. In the next proper installment, I'll finally shed some light on The Goblinization. But before I wrap things up, I need to write a one-off about The Pie Guy and bring back some classic cringe!

I am STILL NOT the Original Poster. That is still . She posted in and .
You can read the previous BORU's here and here. New Update marked with ****\* Thanks to u/Choice_Evidence1983 and u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for letting me know!
Trigger Warning: brief mention of murder
Mood Spoiler: happy ending
Original Post: April 16, 2023
Throwaway because I have in-laws on Reddit.
Myself (25F) and my fiancé (27M) have a 2 month old son. We are overjoyed at being parents, but most of my in-laws are refusing to even see our baby because of a decision we made concerning his name.
My in-laws have a tradition of giving the first-born son of every generation the same name. Let's say it's "Peter". This has been going on for about seven generations already, and they're very serious about it. My fiancé's eldest cousin was the latest person to get named Peter. Every one of his cousins has only had daughters so far, so our baby is the first son of his generation, and consequently should get the name.
I have no problem with the name Peter, and would've been okay with naming my son that. Unfortunately, that was also the name of my uncle, who died before I was born. I won't get into details, but it was tragic and traumatizing for my family. My father never got over losing his younger brother.
My grandmother asked the family not to name any of our future children Peter during her lifetime. My MIL and FIL knew about this promise, and at first seemed to not only be okay with us avoiding the name Peter, but also supportive of the one we chose.
However, my grandmother sadly passed away when I was 7 months pregnant. We traveled for her funeral. On our last days there, my in-laws called to offer me their condolences. Then my MIL asked me if I was willing to "think about the name Peter now."
Suddenly, they were insistent that the name we chose was awful and we had to honor their tradition. According to them, they had only agreed to make an exception for us for my grandmother's sake, and had no obligation to keep it now that she had passed.
My family agrees that while it's true we don't have to avoid the name anymore, it still doesn't feel right to use it. My fiancé agrees with me as well, but his parents spent the last weeks of my pregnancy trying to convince us to change our minds about the name.
When our baby was born and we named him what we wanted, my in-laws were furious that we had broken a 7-generation-old family tradition. Some of them hadn't previously wanted to name their sons Peter, but did it anyway for the family's sake. They said our decision was selfish, and that my family "should have moved on by now."
This has truly nothing to do with whether my family has moved on or not, it just felt like a betrayal to my grandmother and uncle's memories to even consider using the name.
My FIL offered us $1000 to change our son's name to Peter after he was born. That was two months ago, and neither of my fiancé's parents have met the baby or seen us since I was pregnant. Most of my in-laws are on their side, and this is causing a huge rift between my fiancé and his family. He assures me he's fine, but I'm starting to feel really guilty about this.
AITA?
EDIT: The tradition started, as far as I know, when OG Peter died and his son, also named Peter, named his firstborn after his father. Peter III ended up having the first son of the following generation, and did the same thing. That one died before having children, so his sister gave the name to her son, and so on. The name “Peter” is very common in my country, so none of them ever got bullied over it, and the fact that it was also my uncle’s name isn’t as unlikely as one might think.
Also, middle names aren’t used in my country. Most people get the maternal surname before the paternal one instead.
EDIT 2: It wasn't 1000 dollars. Different country, different currency. It's still a lot of money, but would probably translate to about 200 USD.
Relevant Comments:
Can you use Peter as a middle name?"
Our country/culture doesn't generally use middle names. If we did, I'd be willing to think about that, even though my son's name doesn't match "Peter"."
How many Peters are alive right now in your family???"
There are 3 living "Peters" in the family right now. Only the eldest (my fiancé's great uncle) actually goes by Peter. The other two have nicknames ("Pete", "Petey", etc)."
OOP is voted NTA
Update Post: May 24, 2023 (a bit over 1 month later)
(OOP's post was removed from AITA, and reposted on her profile. I'm using the date of the AITA post. Comments are also from AITA)
I posted this on AITA, but it got removed about an hour ago because I mentioned a violent encounter on an edit. I tried editing it out and getting it back up, but it didn't work. I'm posting here in case anyone still wants to read it.
Original
Thank you so much to everyone who commented and offered support. A lot has happened since I posted, so I thought I'd give you an update.
About a week after my post, my fiancé's parents contacted us. They apologized for their behavior, and begged to meet my son. They said they were ready to leave the naming debacle behind and truly wanted to be involved in their grandson's life.
We were skeptical, but invited them over to meet the baby. The visit went well. They began coming over almost every day during the next three weeks. I noticed neither of them ever called my son by his name, but I didn't point it out. For the first time in months, things seemed good between my fiancé and his parents.
One day, my fiancé was helping my FIL with something at our place, so my MIL and I went to the park with my baby. Some time later, I had to go to the bathroom, so I left him in the stroller with her.
When I got back, she was sitting on a park bench, chatting with a woman who was cooing over my son. I went over there and introduced myself as "(son's name)'s mom", and she said, "I thought his name was Peter."
I didn't say a word, and neither did my MIL. She followed me to the car and we went back to my apartment. On the way there, I texted my fiancé about what had happened. The moment we got there, he kicked both his parents out of our place.
He'd read my texts and confronted his father. Thankfully, my FIL is a terrible liar, and confessed immediately. Apparently, both my in-laws ONLY call my son Peter. That includes whenever they're talking about him, every time they introduce him to someone else, and even baby-talking to him on the few occasions they were left alone with him. Neither of them are embarrassed by this, and they both think they're in the right.
We're heartbroken. Especially my fiancé. Not only because his parents can't let go of their pride, but also because the name we chose for our son means a lot to us both.
I blame myself for encouraging my fiancé to allow them near our son. I was raised in a different city than all my grandparents, and always wished they could have been more involved in my life. Losing my grandmother didn't help. Pretty much every doubt I had only existed because I thought it would be important for my son to grow up with all of his grandparents around.
But now, all my guilt is gone. If they can't respect my son enough to call him by his name, they don't deserve to be in his life.
I hope they enjoyed the three weeks they had with their grandson. Because that's all they're getting until they get their heads out of their asses.
EDIT: I thought I'd clarify some things. First of all, I'm not comfortable sharing my son's name here, but I promise it's not a "yooneek" name or anything like that. It's perfectly normal and popular-ish in our country.
Secondly, I mentioned this in the comments, but while my family didn't try to dictate me on my son's name, they would never be comfortable with it. My uncle Peter passed almost three decades ago, but it forever changed everyone who knew him. My grandmother's wish might seem a bit irrational, but it was motivated entirely by grief and it didn't seem right to disrespect that just because she's not around anymore.
And to whoever PM'd me that my fiancé's only on my side to keep the peace, he didn't want to use the name either. Months before I got pregnant, he told me he hoped one of his cousins would have a son before we did, because he always hated the tradition and sympathized with my family. He's just as angry at his parents as I am, if not more. Also, most of his cousins and some other relatives have come around and apologized.
Relevant Comments:
Are they this unhinged in other areas of your life too?"
According to my fiancé, they've always been a little entitled, but I never really saw them enough to be able to say that. I will say that, though they were polite, they very clearly didn't care about me until we moved in together. My MIL pretended not to remember my name every time she saw me, and my FIL would lose interest in any conversations that weren't about him. Once it was clear me and my fiancé were in for long term, they started acting a lot more friendly towards me, but it never seemed sincere."
Have other family members come around yet?"
Most of my fiancé's cousins have come around, and his brother was always on our side. His grandmother and some of his aunts and uncles are with us too. His grandfather (divorced from his grandmother), two out of three living Peters (the two oldest) and pretty much everyone else are either still mad at us or haven't reached out to talk about it yet.
My entire family is on my side. They promised not to interfere in the naming process, but are relieved we didn't name him Peter."
One more note on the $1000 offered in the first post:
"And that's $1000 in MY country's currency. It roughly translates to $200USD." (note- OOP clarifies in a comment that she is Brazilian)
OOP drops this horrible bombshell about her uncle, the one who died before she was born:
"My uncle was murdered. My grandmother's request was motivated by trauma."
"Again; my family would be mostly fine with naming my son Peter. My dad and my aunt might have been uncomfortable, and my grandmother asked us all not to do so, but I wouldn't have been disowned if I had. It simply felt disrespectful, especially since my grandmother passed shortly before my son was born.
My uncle's death was traumatic for my family, but the name Peter is hugely common in my country."
Update Post 2: July 28, 2023 (3 months from first post)
My son is now 5 months old (almost six!). We're still NC with my fiancé's parents, who haven't seen us since May. We've both blocked them everywhere. His relatives who were on our side still are, and most of the ones who weren't haven't come around. If anything, they're even more pissed now.
I remember someone suggesting that my fiancé's family might stop using the name after we decided not to. Well, you were right. Last week, one of my fiancé's cousins announced she was pregnant with a boy. She included her baby's name in the announcement, and it's not Peter.
What followed was a string of aggressive Instagram DMs from both MIL and FIL. They both created accounts for the sole purpose of contacting me. I didn't see them until two days later. They sent me almost an hour worth of voice messages about how I'd "ruined their family".
They wish their son had never met me, that he'd see me for "who I truly am", and that I'd never gotten pregnant. Many of the messages ended with "I hope you're happy now", as if they thought they were getting the last word, only to think of something else they wanted to say. There was name calling, an accusation of me cheating, and the persistent refusal to refer to my son as their grandchild.
My fiancé and I listened to the messages together. He hadn't gotten any. As much as I tried to distance myself, I was in tears by the time it was all done. I still don't regret anything, specially after the stunt they pulled back in May, but I'm not completely free of the guilt yet. Not to mention their complete disregard for their grandson. I was already having an overwhelming week, and this just seemed like the final straw.
I must have spent close to an hour sobbing in my fiancé's arms. Once I was calmer, he unblocked his parents just to scream at them for a while. I only heard his side of the conversation, but it was more than enough. He finished the call by saying he didn't want to hear from them again.
We had a long talk afterwards. My fiancé opened up about the emotional blackmail by his family before and after my pregnancy. My in-laws were close to threatening him with anything they could if we didn't name our son Peter. I told him about my guilt, and how awful I feel for putting him through this. We reassured each other, cried a bit more, and had a mostly pleasant evening with our baby.
We contacted his cousin. The family is giving her shit for breaking the tradition again. They're being way less aggressive though, and I think many of my in-laws are finally learning to let go. We're not expecting any apologies anytime soon, but we'll be glad if they come.
Our wedding will be in September 2024, and whoever doesn't give us a sincere apology until then is uninvited. My fiancé's parents are banned either way. We came to that decision together.
Also, I'd like to address some comments on my previous update about how I was "letting my family's trauma win", or how the name wouldn't be hurtful now that my grandmother has passed.
I can't stress enough the damage my uncle's death caused. He was only 30 years old. He had a fiancée, a great career and his whole life ahead of him. I don't know many details about what happened, because I didn't want to upset my family by asking. My grandmother wasn't the only person hurt by this, my entire paternal family was. And if I remember correctly, the person responsible isn't even in jail anymore. It was more than 20 years ago, but the wound never truly closed.
So yeah, I think it's safe to say the tradition is over. The next Not-Peter will be here in January, right before my son's first birthday. It was never my intention for this to turn into such a shitstorm, but I'm so incredibly proud of my little family.
Thank you so much to everyone who shared their stories and offered advice during these last few months. I'll be forever grateful for all the support I got from y'all.
*****New Update Post: May 13, 2024 (13 months from OG post, about 10 from last post)****\*
Hey everyone, it's been a while. I hope you guys had a great Mother's Day!
I remember that last year, I promised myself I'd write a final update as soon as I felt calmer or felt the situation was closer to being solved. That actually happened months ago, but I've been busy lately.
Following my previous update, my fiancé's side of the family remained upset about the tradition being over for a few more months. They were way less intense about it, specially with the pregnant cousin I mentioned, but it was still evident.
That cousin's Not-Peter (almost a year later, I still can't think of a better term) was born in January. Our son turned one the next month. I think the fact that these two things happened so close together helped many of my in-laws let go of the tradition.
We got a few apologies we weren't expecting. Some of them were sincere enough that we slowly started reestablishing contact.
My fiancé's parents were not among those who apologized. We haven't spoken to either of them since last July. From what I've heard from some of his other relatives, however, MIL seems regretful. She has told some of them that she wishes she could be part of her grandson's life, and wonders if making his name a hill to die on was a bad decision. FIL, from what I gather, barely acknowledges my baby exists.
My fiancé knows about how his mother feels, but he says he doesn't care. And even if we did get an apology, I don't think either of us can forgive his parents. As much as we're mostly okay now, it sometimes feels like their treatment of our family ruined the first few months of our baby's life. I know that's not actually true, but I don't want them around my child.
Besides all that, things have been great. My son is 15 months old now, which I don't think I'll ever really get used to. He recently started drawing and has been expanding his vocabulary. He said "mamãe" first, by the way.
My fiancé and I are still getting married in September. We're thinking about moving abroad in a couple years (for work reasons), but we're not sure yet. We also recently got a dog (sadly, we didn't name him Peter).
This will be my final update. Whatever guilt I had about this situation a year ago is completely gone, and my life has been peaceful enough that it feels safe to say the shitshow is over.
Hugo, if you ever find this, you are the most fantastic thing that has ever happened to us. Thank you for letting me be your mom.
Thank you, Reddit, for all the love, advice and support you've given me this past year.
Relevant Comment:
Commenter: Whilst this may be your final update on the naming sage, you said you are getting married in September 2024 and MiL&FiL aren't going to be invited.
Prepare for more craziness from them at that time and good luck :)

OOP: I really do think this is over. My fiancé's parents don't know when or where we're getting married, so I'm not worried about them showing up. They haven't reached out to us in months, and we have no interest in contacting them.

Hey everyone 👋
I experience seizures and struggle with memory, comprehension, grammar, language and writing. All which have been worsened by being medically neglected since childhood and a TBI from abvse.
I don’t remember my last moment of true clarity, But I remember a time when I could write 4-6K words a day and it was meaningful. Now I am struggling to write one page. I feel like a perfectly capable person trapped in a barrier of dysfunction. For example, I used to get the highest grades while I was studying, but only when my conditions allowed it.
I just don’t see how I could successfully finish my stories like this. At times, I can’t even use my hands to hold my brushes and tools for long as an illustrator. It’s difficult to imagine a kind future where my stories are out there and there’s peace in my life. Feels so isolating and unjust when I’m not even aiming so high anymore, I just want to achieve personal success and say that I’ve finished a series of works.
I think I’m just looking for hope. I would love to see success stories of disabled (particularly aphasic or variants thereof) writers. I’m also so keen to support any writers success or no haha. Best wishes and sending the courage to tackle anything life deals to you all. You are fantastic! 🫂

Recently ive been going on a downward spiral, im medicated and have a med review coming up so itll be brought up then, but till then things have been getting harder and harder to do, doesnt help time moves too fast for my memory to catch up. I was recently given an ultimatum, arguements insued some memories were triggered and caused me to break down which hasnt happened in years. Now im stuck with 2 things, my room (which as of now hasnt been cleaned in 7 months, of which i barely remember a week), and ive been going weeks inbetween showers without realizing it. Due to hindsight that breakdown was actually beneficial and now i see what is, and im a mess. Ive been cleaning my room one thing at a time but its like my body gets heavier and heavier, i slow down and get sadder the more it goes on, like my body is shutting down, i still push through but its been 4 days and ive only cleaned up my clothes and some trash, i have trash bags filled but dont find myself moving them, and when i think about it i get tired.
I finally took a shower and have been in the same clothes for a few days, better than before. I try to get up, but its just as hard, my body goes limp and i get sad, i try to move but i feel like shit and my limbs become heavy.
Ultimately i find myself in my bed, trying to play fallout or black ops 3 but i turn it off after a few minutes because i dont want to play games, or do much of anything. Im getting tired of things, i dont like them like i used to. My days seem longer now after the breakdown amd thats not a good thing, its hours i cant move and i feel every bit of it, just the past 30 minutes feel like several hours alone.
The only things i find myself doing is writing, like this or short stories, sometimes ill play them out in my head as a fantasy world, but that seems to be the only thing i can do.
Dont get me wrong its not impossible for me, i can convince my body to move but it takes so long, so long and i just wanna sleep. Eating foods getting harder as well, im not as hungry as i was and its been 2 days and all ive had is some doritos, before this would've drove me mad but i can barely feel the hunger. I barely sleep. Time is moving so slow. Its so slow.

Hello, I'm looking for a fic I read on ao3 recently that I just can't seem to find despite having dug through my bookmarks and history for hours now. It's a Steve-centric fic where Steve is writing an autobiography about the war after he was asked to by some governement agency, and it awakens bad memories to the point where he turns to alcohol because of it. In the story, he doesn't feel as though he can turn to his teammates for help and joins online AA meetings to try and get some support but he ends up running into technical issues and feels embarrassed about the whole thing. At some point, he opens up to Tony about it, they have a convo about their respective experiences, and Tony ends up convincing Steve to give up on the writing. Peter Parker joins the story eventually, and I vaguely remember him and Steve stealing a dog together. I read it pretty recently, so I don't think it could've been deleted so quickly- I'd appreciate any help this has been bugging me!!

I recently ended up having to take my xbox to be repaired, so I was lent an already used xbox. I saved the data and profiles from my old xbox on the pendrive (I don't know how to write it, because I'm using a translator) I put it on the borrowed xbox and tried to use it, but the xbox was not updated. I selected the memory unit on my pendrive to complete the installation system update and when I finished...my data from the pendrive, including profiles and games disappeared! Furthermore, the pendrive that previously had a capacity of 16 GB of space changed to 4 GB even without anything installed and without any data. I do not know what happened. Could anyone tell? Or did I just lose everything?

I recently got a job as a veterinary assistant, tmr is my first day and I’m sooo anxious. It’s not my first day in a clinic setting but it’s been a few years so my memory needs to be jogged.
I had multiple interviews with this place, the atmosphere and the people seem very nice. They are aware it’s been a couple years and I know they wouldn’t have hired me if they didn’t think I was capable. But still, I have no idea how tmr will go. Will I get trained or shadow someone for a bit?? Or will they just throw me in to see how I do. Thats the part I’m most anxious for. Additionally it’s a specialist place, so there are still lots of things I don’t know yet but I am very excited to learn about.
I have a small notebook, I already wrote some basic stuff in there just in case I forget. I plan to bring it with me tmr so I can write some stuff down until I can gain more confidence. Pls send me luck or good stories of your first days of work!! I’ll update tmr how it went if I remember 🙏

I apologize in advance for the length of this behemoth Story time Reddit: Last night I was chilling at a camp grounds in upstate NYC and this really cute bartender was on her first day ever for the job, anyways I didn’t even notice her until a community dinner at 6pm when she got some food and went to the bar to get ready for the night because us folks at the camp were gonna party till LATE I’m 18M turning 19 and I had aspirations to be a bartender myself in the familiar country of Mexico where my family operates a gin booze business. she 22F just turned and I was eager to Yk like ask her how her first day on the jobs going right? Now I time goes by we all just chilling having dinner and our rolls out some Gigachad kitchen employees with dessert and everybody fiends the fucking ice cream sandwich bars and I hastily think about the fellow bartenders out the back of the building (it’s the girl I’m taking about whose new and one other girl whom is basically her chaperone because they are her aunt) approach the bar with 2 ice cream sandwiches asking if they wanted the last stock of what remained of dessert 😂 they politely decline and I just give them away to my boys and walk back to the main cafeteria area and around 5 minutes pass people start to clear out and I not really a drinker and not of age to drink in the US (although I have been to other countries to bars that you don’t need to be 21 to drink all fine) Sit down at the bar with the 2 bartender ladies, i start yapping about all the musical bullshit I do in life and the video game I’m developing and whatnot and that’s why I came up to nature to record the ambient sounds for my project idk why BUT then when I realize is that the girl whose new’s eyes fixated on me intensely full German stare and I’m kinda intimidated ngl, so ofc as a good bartender would ask, they ask if I want anything to drink and i politely decline because I wasn’t really thirsty 💀 We start to just chat a bit I ask about how their day went and then that’s when I realize the new girl whose bartending it’s her first day and she’s absolutely drunk out the wazoo, I feel kind of bad because she was about to just go take a walk break and I saw she could barely even move straight 💀 so I ask “so what are some good things to do around here?” They reply really excited that before it gets too dark (somehow they say that and it’s already becoming 8:30 and dark at out) I should go to this really pretty creek waterfall and the absolutely double whammy hammered chick volunteers to take me. Now me skeptical af and realizing that either A, she can’t keep her eyes of me because she’s deadbeat drunk or B, she thinks I’m cute and wants to know me this is why she offered to take me to a cool place. I accept and I have to walk this girl out the bar because she’s in heels and bouncing all over the place. We make it to a downhill section we have to cross and I see her struggling and ask if she needs a hand and she hastily accepts, next thing up her arms are basically spaghetti and rolling with the wind as we make it down this hill her holding onto me for dear life. We start to walk a bit and I start to ask the big legal concern questions that us “technically inclined” men ask like “How old are you” “Do you have a boyfriend?” And “Are you in school?” I eventually get all these answers and we by some will of god walk up to an abandoned dark horror movie looking ass tipi (basically this ⛺️ thing for u non cultured swines) for some reason my hood senses start tingling and the white girl slasher film mindset goes into my mind like “Why the fuck am I about to go in there?” But hey YOLO why not go into creepy dark crowded place with drunk girl? We waltz up into that bitch looking like injured bank robbers clobbering all over the ground because the ground muddy and we can barely fit into the small opening of it, point is in there she starts basically interviewing me fucking speed run piers style and I answer being sober decently competent. Me not trying to make her feel uncomfortable turn my flashlight on to scout the area and we realize there’s some makeshift bench in there so we have a seat. She doesn’t like the fact the lights on and then she asks “do you want to kiss” and proceeds to inform me I’m a weirdo for turning on the light. Now I’m like: “ aight what the fuck girl like it’s dark spooky af out the hell u want me to do get mauled by spiders in this Native American trap house? Then Yk me never had a girlfriend and curious accepts her kiss offer and right as we are about to friggin kiss a RANDOM ASS NPC COUPLE SPAWNS IN AND JUST WALKS UP TO OUR FUCKING TIPI! What are the fucking odds bro, like it’s pitch black basically out and I’m in the middle of the woods, now they see us (we look hella sus at that moment) and kinda just walk away after being like “ooooh cool!” But anyways I get a pretty Alr first kiss, get insulted for being a horrible kisser and walk it off quoting myself “Bro it’s cuz I’m a Libra right?” Jokingly anyways we kinda talk a bit she enlightens me on some personal facts and me too, I ask if she’s had a boyfriend and she says yeah I would had asked how many but didn’t weirdly enough and she’s asked me then if I had ever had a girlfriend and I respond honestly that nope I haven’t and she doesn’t buy it, she thinks I’m lying. She then proceeds to ask me how tall I am and me being a tall ass mf for my race i respond “6 foot 3” and she’s like DAMNNNNNNN ewwww. I’m dying of laughter and ask what’s wrong. I never get a response 😭 Anyways she then decides to empty her pockets and she came for some reason with basically a mythical rarity load out of pocket loot. 2 Cinnamon booze plastic shots, lip gloss, chapstick and a cart. Now me being the worlds biggest glorified coward who never smoked and almost never drinks was amazed she had all this shit on her. I ask her how much she had to drink tonight and she told me how for every drink she served she also drank (idk why tf weird flex but ok?) we then kinda decide to go out of the tent because all of a sudden she wants to explore the pitch black woods when we both have very little phone battery left for flashlight. I think in my sober mind that’s a horrible idea and I remember in the back of my mind we had to be back in an hour from like 8:30pm and I remind her assuming she will have it into account but fail to realize SHES DRUNK AF AND CANT PROCESS SHIT!!! Anyways we walk around the creek bed and eventually we have a seat and just weirdly enough lay down watch the stars and talk about romantic stuff, she is very kind all of a sudden and we are just laughing wholeheartedly and enjoying ourselves and occasionally she tries to sloppily kiss me and I’m kinda just laying there like : 🙃. But yeah we there doing all that and then she somehow convinced me to do shots of the weird spicy booze she brought and I was very nervous and almost about to fully fold because I had a lot of important things in my life impending in the coming days and I didn’t want to fuck something up being drunk (not knowing myself if I’m a lightweight or heavyweight drinker) We each do one and I’m kinda there lying paralyzed and shivering in my boots not because of the alcohol but because of the nerves I am chilling with a girl on a beauty of a night next to some lovely sounding creek noises and making out. Me being the newbie I am just go along with anything she says or does because I’m not trying to blow what I have going Yk. But yeah time passes we just there on essentially natures lawn hugging and kissing and talking about cute life aspirations and then I have to break the hard news to her, I inform her I won’t be staying around long by any means ( I leave the next day back to da hood for school) and I feel so bad inside! Like this girl even age difference aside whatever was very kind and I didn’t want to ruin what we had going so I try and explain how I would try to visit her and later the next day I am able to check that tickets cost roughly $50 for one ways to the town she lives in and takes 2 hours and a half something if me for love I was able to do im down ig… Now as a recap: She knows I live super duper far away, She and I both understand we don’t want to ruin what we have and we are trying to see how we can keep this going. I hear someone scream her voice and then I’m like Awww shit ur in trouble right? I check my phone and it’s MOTHERFUCKING 11PM!!!! I’m like OH SHIT WE BEEN GONE A WHILE DAMNNN, I pull her up off the ground and try to get her to her aunt who I assumed was looking for her and then we sadly said it last farewell quickly. She kisses me and then she gets yoinked and chewed tf outta by basically her big auntie bartender me feeling horrible and all because I was so immature not checking the time, I walk up to her to take responsibility for the situation and not be a beta male type character she asks me all of a sudden if I’m “ok or hurt” and I say yeah I’m fine and then she walks away and for some reason my good manners and habits kick in as I quietly shout “good night” and she shouts back “yeah good fucking night!” Slams the door with my newfound friend and they both gone. I feel real bad for the situation but hey it already happened, and I then find out from some of my fellow campers that she was threatening essentially to call the state police because people have gotten lost in the woods but in my head I’m like NUH UH I GOT S TIER GOD MEMORY!!! Anyways I do have the girl I was withs number I message her apologizing for not being more responsible and whatnot and then a lot of time happens from there on. I go to bed at 1:30am, wake up the next morning at 6:57am and I’m worried because she hasn’t responded. I paranoid and feeling like a hopeless romantic sit around stressing for hours until BOOM I get off a call checking up with my moms who was out of town get a message from my dear bartender girl! I’m beyond ecstatic and try to see if we can say goodbye because I have to go so soon that same day (today as I’m writing this) we try to compromise and plan but sadly it doesn’t work out for us and we just don’t get a well deserved farewell. I feel truly defeated and depressed about it and people I’m with are speculating how I have barely eaten in all the hours I have been up today. I reply it’s that m stresses but don’t go into detail trying to avoid ancontroversial discussion. This girls name is Sofia and I as I hope a constituted decent person hope I can keep this relationship but there are a few obstacles. 1, she lives 2 hours best case scenario from me. 2, she doesn’t really answer my messages until very late after I send them (for example i message her 12:30 she responds then doesn’t respond until past 5pm same day) and It’s hard to have a relationship with flawed communication I can see. Now for me I have always wanted to find love but never really succeeded in it and I’m truly just grateful for having any experience like this at all and I want to hear feedback from fellow guys and girl as to what I should do to keep this a respectful and responsible relationship you know?
Sincerely and looking forward to feedback, K

Dead by Daylight: The Entity's RealmSynopsis: Four strangers awaken in a twisted, fog-shrouded forest with no memory of how they arrived. They soon realize they are trapped in a deadly realm controlled by an ancient, malevolent force known as The Entity. Stalked by a rotating cast of infamous killers, including The Huntress and The Hillbilly, the survivors must work together to repair mystical generators that will open portals to freedom. As alliances form and crumble under the pressure, the group uncovers the dark origins of The Entity and the sinister nature of their imprisonment, fighting not just for survival but for their souls.Detailed Synopsis: The film opens with four strangers—each from different walks of life—waking up in a disorienting, misty forest. Confused and frightened, they quickly realize they have no memory of how they got there. They encounter old, dilapidated structures and scattered remnants of past lives, suggesting they are not the first to be trapped here.As they explore, they are suddenly attacked by a masked killer wielding a chainsaw, known as The Hillbilly. In their frantic escape, they discover a mysterious, humming generator. A fellow survivor, a former engineer, deduces that repairing these generators might be their only hope of escape. They quickly learn that working on the generators attracts the killers but also seems to weaken the grip of the fog and unlocks new areas of the forest.As the group struggles to survive the relentless pursuit of The Hillbilly, they encounter The Huntress, a deadly woman who hunts with a hatchet and haunting lullabies. The survivors’ differing personalities and backgrounds cause tensions to rise—trust is hard to come by when each mistake could be fatal. Some members of the group are willing to sacrifice others to ensure their own survival, while others try to maintain their humanity and work together.During their attempts to fix the generators, they uncover eerie carvings and writings that tell the story of The Entity—a dark, supernatural force that feeds on the fear and torment of those it traps in its realm. The Entity manipulates time and space, bringing in different killers to hunt the survivors, each with their own horrific backstory tied to The Entity’s dark influence.As the survivors piece together the fragments of The Entity’s history, they find clues that suggest previous victims had tried to fight back. Using this knowledge, they develop a plan to not only escape but to weaken The Entity's hold on its realm. However, this plan requires precise timing, cooperation, and immense bravery—qualities that are tested to the limit as The Entity unleashes its full wrath.In the climactic finale, the survivors make their desperate bid for freedom. They face a gauntlet of killers, including The Hillbilly and The Huntress, in a heart-pounding showdown. With the final generator repaired, a portal opens, offering a glimpse of hope. But escaping The Entity’s grasp means confronting their deepest fears and making unimaginable sacrifices.As the survivors step through the portal, they carry the scars of their ordeal, forever changed by the horrors they endured. The film ends with a haunting question: have they truly escaped, or are they still within The Entity’s web, with the horrors of the realm merely taking a new form?

So the first two EO games were some of my most played games on the Wii growing up. I was a huge marine biology nerd, which is almost a prerequisite for anyone to really get into them I think. For all their faults, I thought they both really captured the mystique and intrigue of the ocean. There’s a vibe to them that hits differently than a lot of Nintendo titles. They’re both comfy and relaxing, but also kind of lonely and sometimes creepy. Sorta describes the ocean in general.
So I bought EOL on release and didn’t go in with any real preconceptions. It’s been years since I played the others. I haven’t put in a ton of hours because adulthood, so my opinions are likely colored by the fact that I can’t experience this game as a kid like I did the others. That said, I’m with the majority that think it’s underwhelming. I think there’s two major reasons: story integration and overall aesthetic.
In the first two games, exploration was organically integrated with the campaign. You’d see the different areas, encounter a good portion of the discoverable species, and get to absorb the lore without having to diverge too much from the story mode to look for things unless you wanted to. This game’s story is essentially a tutorial with extremely underdeveloped tasks. Fine, no one’s playing these games for the writing, but the brickwalling is insane. Scanning thousands of fish to unlock a cutscene is not only tedious, but it causes the discovery of new species to feel arbitrary and unexciting. Here’s an anecdote: in the first game, you reach a certain point in the story and unlock the abyss. Getting to dive there for the first time, seeing all new creatures and exploring the nooks and crannies felt awesome because the game let you gradually soak in the world before opening more of it up to you. I don’t think randomly generated dives are a bad idea at all, but I think you could pull them off while still having a few unique locales that have their own general structure.
The aesthetic here is much brighter and more “Nintendo” for lack of a better term. It doesn’t have the same sense of scale, that feeling of immersing yourself in an almost alien world. EO and BW were understated. They felt oddly mature; introspective and isolating, sometimes outright scary, but also beautiful and inspiring. That range of emotions is lost when you replace the map with a random hodgepodge of clashing biomes doused in pastel colors. I know the emphasis is meant to be on multiplayer, and maybe that’s the root cause of this whole discourse.
I don’t judge anyone who enjoys EOL. I think that’s wonderful, and I hope their experience is as memorable as mine was with the original. I’m just offering my two cents as someone who grew up loving the franchise. I’m not mad that I bought the game, hell I’m glad they finally resurrected this thing. Now I just need to get my hands on a steam deck and take a trip down memory lane.

So for context, i'm not really fluent in english so sorry if there are grammar mistakes, i'm trying my best, also this story isn't as heavy as some of the stories i've read here, but i want to share my story if someone is currently going through something similar. So I (20 M) graduated from high school a couple years ago after spending 14 years in the same school, the reason is that in my country school is from kindergarden to senior year in the same institution. I arrived when i was 4 years old, since i was little i was described as a shy empathetic boy with a heart of gold, and it was really difficult for me to play with other kids or being included. Through elementary my life was pretty bad for me, for example, when we had to play as a group, my classmates would pick on me for being too slow and would purposely pick me to chase them in games and mock me for the rest of the day, while calling me gay or too soft for "simple jokes", though they knew that it wasn't funny for me and made me cry many times, i was most of the time alone, and if i was with somebody they would mock me. 5th grade was literally hell for me, that year i met this guy, let's call him "Aaron". Aaron was the new boy in school, a really sweet, rebel and extroverted boy, and i was really mesmerized by him, causing to have a crush, i won't lie. Since day 1 in school, we became really close, we passed many time together, we hanged out on both houses, this dude included me in everything, treated me like a human for the first time and was really nice, until he started hanging out with the group of boys that bullied me, and basically his personality made a 180° turn, and he became cruel, making the same cruel jokes, leaving me alone and making me feel like shit. I had such a crush in him that i stayed "friends" with my bullies, just because i couldn't bare being alone.
The relationship with those guys was tought for me, most of them when they didn't ignored me completly, they treated me like their "little brother that they can pick on", they made plans without me, made fun of my hobbies and made faces when i would be on their team
This "friendships" changed when i went to a schooltrip to the forest, where i was with this group, i didn't really had a choice, it was either bunking with them or not going. The first night i had an anxiety attack and felt really sick, and i think that was one of the few times where this group of guys finally treated me like a decent human or even a friend, they helped me calm down, held my head while i cried my heart out and even came out of the closet with them. It was the first time in years i felt included and a human, and for the rest of 2018 and most of 2019 i had a relationship where this guys and the rest of my classmates treated me like a person and cared for me.
When we got to the pandemic and came back to school in 2021, all my classmates started ignoring me, Sometimes there were good and funny moments, but usually they left me alone or ignored me during breaks, and they showed that they were friends (hugged each other or had a lot of trust in eachother), and i wanted to meet them better and i tried to socialize more, but when i tries to join the conversation, there were smiles and awkward conversations by almost everyone, and if I said something abouf feeling left out or feeling like the odd one out of the class, i was told that i was too fragile, too sensitive, I was the one who had to integrate and change.
Many times i arrived home crying because i was left out of a hang out, or watched in stories on IG friends going to parties, or that they would talk about those events knowing that i didn't knew anything before and without adding me. You can't get over the fact of coming home wanting to cry because you weren't included on conversations or parties or creating lies for my parents that I had been part of an anecdote that I only witnessed as basically a camera. I felt like a camera in my own life.
Now writing this, i remember some messed up things some of my classmates said in front of me. Like: - Aaron: "You know OP? If you died i wouldn't be that affected, i have more friends and i would quickly forget you" - Classmate: "oh (OP name) is really cool, i really like him". Then they would look at me and say: oh no (OP) not you, the cool (OP name)
Nowadays, i remember those experiences and feel a lot of pain, maybe i could have tried more and maybe i'm wrong? I hate feeling like even now when i have a healthy group of friends in college, i have to deal with the memories of being left out or ignored and blamed for it
I'm confused and don't know if i was toxic or if my classmates were the ones and i was right for cutting them off my life Thanks for reading

There is someone out there reading this waiting for a message from someone that may be drawing my attention towards because of my topics I write about.
I am a former and currently struggling addict. I'm not perfect, I don't try to be someone I am not. I am blunt, honest, alone.... Mostly alone.... A lot!
I am a human being that has stumbled many upon many times..... I'm doing it again not all or all at once, but I did all in my past.
Let me break the ice and list some of my sins and addictions.
watching inappropriate films of all topics.
Fornication
Smoking
Drinking
Gossip
Gluttony
In a nice way to list it without the drama story attached to it. I'm guilty of it all.
Don't give in, even though you messed up today. I did too....
Just socializing, I take a drag of a cigarette and then another and then another....
Well, I just smoked and broke my promise again for the millionthteenth time.... So, I'll just smoke for tonight only......
It's 1am now, but I didn't fall asleep yet, so I can smoke until my day actually ends.
F* it, I'll just buy a pack because I'm already smoked yesterday and broke my promise.
You see my demons there!
Yeah, this is current and I'm ashamed and holding myself accountable. I told my person my struggles and allowed them to share their anger towards me for falling back into my old patterns. I still told them and I am working on myself. I am reminding myself where I was and how long I stopped and how far I've come and to not fall back into hurting my body anymore. To love myself more and not harm it because I am not afraid of dying. I need to stop wanting it to happen to me. I need to accept that my life has a purpose and masking my pain won't stop when I am hiding my emotions for a nicotine buzz when I take a break at work.
That is no excuse to pick up the habit. Let your coworkers do it without you. Don't go back to your old habits. Stop it!
That's my Dad yelling at me. I get him interrupting when I free write.
I want you to see that I struggle everyday. I miss smoking every day. I chose the other options to seek a substance over another. I am just like my father. I have an addictive personality and behavior pattern.
I also see where I need to work on myself and I get back in the game. I don't keep with the habit because I fell out of it for a weekend. My Dad won't shut up.
My father died of lung cancer and he never smoked and he is very upset at me for smoking so I could be with him in heaven. He cried next to me as I cried and I gave up singing. I left choir and I had throat problems when I was a senior in college. I didn't get to sing my recital to my father, he passed away before he saw me graduate.
He doesn't want anyone to give in to their addictions. He wishes he followed his dreams of being a service with God by his side. He gave into alcohol and pills. He sees me talking about him on here. I'm letting you see me for who I am and I am not afraid of how you read my story. This is real. This is me. Deal with it or move on.
Sorry about that side tangent. Suz showed up.
She helps me get my throat chakra open so I can share my feelings and stick up for myself. She is well aware of my past and been warning me ever since.
This is about addiction. This is about letting go.
They show up at the worst times, sorry you guys....
I am here to receive and share my story and I fall apart. I am being tested by my enemy and I am sharing my struggles to show my gratitude for awareness. I am more aware to see where I am falling short and work on nurturing those wounds to avoid the old habits of treating it. My inner child, my 20 year old self showed up and what I did back then was miss my Dad and smoke.
I can never fall too far, my Dad shows up and reminds me to write and he helps me get back on track with the topics I write about. It's him taking over my hands and I just start writing.
It's really cool. I miss him and it's weird how he does this, it took me a few tries after becoming very intoxicated with a substance I don't want to trigger you anymore..... Sorry....
I'm not the only one that has this problem. When some of us become intoxicated, we are more intune with spirits. It's not a psychotic break down. It took me a long time to see why my father kept escaping when he had no reason.
He had good reasons, but I wasn't old enough to understand. Until he passed, we are very close, he shares with me many memories and stories of my family I never knew. He taught me how to talk to my Grandmother through music. He lets me know how to handle my mom. He calms me down when I am having a breakdown and my arms hold my body in a hug. I don't move my body, I let my body move on its own. When I allow this to happen, especially when I drank, I saw my father in my memory hugging me tightly. That was when he taught me how to see and communicate with him.
I got used to wanting to be around him more, I kept trying to find how to bring him back, it only happens on special occasions. I don't get to decide how he wants to show up. He just does and I have to be ready to see his signs and feel every moment to enjoy the experience.
He told me today.
"Knock it off! Go write!"
So, here I am. I was wrong. This journey doesn't let me get away with much anymore. I have a purpose why I chose to stray away from God after I went to college and do this stuff.... My adult self is really mad for smoking and drinking so heavily.....
If you are still young, but feel like you did yourself enough damage you don't see the point in stopping......
Just stop.
There's no plan to it, you just do it. It's gonna suck. That part you got to fix is how you think about it once you stop.
This isn't me talking, this is still my Dad teaching me a lesson to not smoke. Because he died a terrible death and he doesn't want me to go the same way. We are working on forgiving each other in giving into our patterns we learned from our family patterns of raising kids. We all have a story. We all came from some form of trauma.
They want to show me how to stop repeating it. I failed this week. It's been a week, not gonna lie and I enjoyed it, but now, I feel regret. Because I do know better.
I know someone out there wants to be serious and stop, but feel alone without someone to show active encouragement.....
Be my cheerleader too!
I need one so I can stop messing up my clean lungs. I worked hard to get them there. I'm gonna get back on track and stop. I hope you are able to get a hold of your addictions too, Whatever it may be.
I feel a little weird about posting this, but they are double dog daring me to do it.
SO, don't judge, but yeah..... Here it is.... Unedited. All me.... Being weird.
Peace,
Tina

I took my exam yesterday (May 18) at home, and I found out today I passed 3AT! I did not believe I was going to pass. I absolutely thought I had failed and was planning on when to take the exam again. Like others, I thought I would share some of what I did and some recommendations especially if you are taking it at home. Of note, I used to work with college students and teach them how to improve their academic skills (not memorizing but mastering material, not freaking out at an exam, etc) so I wrote this with academic coaching in mind.
Things That Helped Me/My advice:

• Not believing all the "just take the test at a testing center" negativity. Taking a test at home (if you like your home) has some big benefits. This isn't to say everyone should do it, but if you want to do it, here is why it helped me:
  • I get it, lots of folks have bad experiences testing at home. A lot of things can go wrong and they aren't in your control all the time. But, I work from home 99% of the time and know my internet is reliable, I dont have interruptions, etc.
  • Theres a HUGE benefit in taking the exam in a place where you are very comfortable. If you have test anxiety, this is something to consider. I didn't have shoes on, I wore comfy clothes, I could control the temperature how I wanted, etc
  • Studying and taking your practice exam in the same environment as the actual exam can be another benefit, as this can help jog your memory! There is some science behind this.
  • You can use ALL of your break time. One of the things I saw in some posts where folks took the test at a testing center is the check in/out procedures ate up a chunk of their break time and sometimes the bathrooms seemed far. So they barely had a break. I actually chose to end my breaks early because I was able to relax and take the entire break as a break.
  • I had zero interaction from anyone at Pearson. No one sent me a chat (I didn't reach out either), I didn't have any issues while taking the exam, etc. This isn't good or bad, but just putting it out there that I felt like I was just taking an exam at my house like it was any other day.
• Learning Stuff!
  • Take practice exams...many, not the same one over and over though. Its ok to repeat them (I did) but dont take 1 practice exam 3 times and think you are ready.
    • As you get closer to the exam, take practice exams simulating the actual exam environment as much as you can - stick to the time limits, take 2 ten minute breaks, dont check your phone, etc
    • Review your correct and incorrect answers - know WHY the correct answer is the correct one. This is what can take the most practice because you have to think like the PMI wants you to think
  • Know the terminology - the SH+ games are great for this, specifically the Crossword but it wont capture all the terminology you need to know.
  • Use all the resources people mention here because one of the best things you can do is use different formats of learning to take in information - especially if it repeats itself!
    • Some folks learn best by writing things out, some learn best by hearing it, etc. Most people learn best by ALL of these things together. You probably didn't realize in K-12 that your teachers were using many modalities to teach you stuff. Think like a K-12 teacher and create a lesson plan with many different activities on the same topics and review it over and over (each review in different modalities that work for you)
    • Example - for one topic - Watch the videos folks suggest, and read through the notes from Third3Rock, make your own flashcards and talk it out
    • Talking it out is an underrated/under utilized learning modality. The purpose of this is acting like you are teaching someone else. Some of you might be able to teach another person like your roommate, partner, or child. But if you dont have a human or a pet to teach PMI topics to, get a plant, a pillow, a ghost, etc. Talk the topic out as if you are explaining it or having a conversation about it with another person. If you can't explain it to someone else, you dont know it enough.
    • I am someone who learns by writing things out. Not typing (although I do learn that way), literally writing. But if you are like this too, make sure to put it IN YOUR OWN WORDS. Dont just copy whats on the screen/paper on a index card.
    • Create your own visuals. Not of everything. Just the stuff YOU know you need to see/read again. There are some great visuals out there already too!
    • A few days before my exam, I re-wrote some of the main concepts I wanted to remember on larger pieces of paper (printer paper) with colorful markers. This included topics/questions I wasn't so confident on, important terminology, etc. I used a lot of paper...and then I taped them to the walls in my hallway. I didn't put them in my office because I knew I'd have to take them down before the exam and I didn't want that stress. So I put them in the hallway and would pause and read them, talk them out, dance while singing the topics, etc. Its like an information radiator for yourself and again, there's science behind how these things can help some people learn.
  • You dont need an expensive "bootcamp" or pricey course to learn this material. With the amount of free or cheap options out there (all the things you see mentioned in this subreddit), you dont necessarily need to shell out a lot of money for anything else. My work paid for an expensive bootcamp. I did it and wasn't impressed. It was like drinking from a firehose and the worse way anyone can learn information - hearing someone talk at you for 8 hours a day for 4 days in a row. I dont recommend this at all. I did not use my notes nor resources from this bootcamp for anything. There could be better bootcamps out there - I've had a few friends have better experiences. But we all used other free/cheap resources to learn in more detail.
    • If you really want a course, some of the courses folks have mentioned here (Udemy, etc) that are self-paced are likely far better to learn initial information just for the fact that you can go back and review the information in a lot of detail/re-watch videos, etc.
• There are differences between the PMI Study Hall practice exams and the actual exam. You're probably think, OBVIOUSLY there are differences! Here are the ones I observed:
  • The actual exam questions were not as wordy/long as the practice exam questions. They often had very little information in them and yet you had to make a decision as if you knew all of the context. But also dont assume anything!
  • Many of the questions had answer choices where 2 were extremely similar to each other and seemed correct
  • I only had 2 matching questions and no math/calculations
  • I felt like I failed the very first section. These questions were HARD right out of the gate. I dont think this section had any easy or moderate questions in it. I literally thought I had failed the whole exam because of this and was planning on when to retake it. Note that while this was my first section, it may not be in that order for other people. All the people saying, "there were no expert questions on my exam" - yeah, not mine! And I did relatively well with expert questions on the practice exam. I am aware that there are experimental questions on the exam which dont count in your score. Maybe these were it, I am not sure. But damn, this section was hard.
• Actual Exam Week/Day Prep
  • If you have been intensely studying for a bit, you need a break before your exam. This is even more true if you work full-time, have a family, etc. Your brain can literally only have so much energy and if you are exhausted going into the exam, you will not be functioning at your best.
    • The week of your exam, only do light review. This means, maybe one practice exam but like the beginning of the week. Or no practice exam. Review the concepts you miss a lot, review terminology. That's it.
    • Eat well for you. Dont push yourself with workouts unless thats your norm. Get good sleep in the days leading up to the exam. Drink a good amount of water not just the day of/day before the exam.
  • Schedule your exam at a time where you know you tend to feel more energized, and more relaxed, if at all possible. For me, even if I am more awake in the morning, I knew having an exam first thing would give me a lot of anxiety the night before and I probably wouldn't sleep then I'd do bad on the exam. I scheduled my exam at 1:15pm on a Saturday. I slept in a little, had some coffee and a leisurely breakfast, reviewed some things, then I was ready.
  • Talk nicely to yourself - with how much all of this can cost, and whatever other pressures you may have, there can be a lot of "I have to pass, like HAVE to pass!" pressure. Of course we all want to pass the first time and be done with it, but thats not to worry about right now. Talk nicely to yourself - make those encouraging sticky notes and put them around your house, or meditate, etc. but make sure to remind yourself how hard you have worked, and how capable you are. Your only focus is to do your best and thats all you can worry about right now.
  • If you are someone who reads out loud as you are reading questions, you need to practice not doing this. Its probably best to practice this before the week of your exam, but if you dont have that time you need to practice the week of your exam for sure.
  • Right before the exam/as the exam starts
    • The program will give you an intro to how it works. Like where is the timer, where are the buttons, how to highlight, etc. Do it. Do all of the silly things you probably already know how to use. As you are doing it, take deep breaths and exhale slowly at least 3 times. If your heart rate is going up, just pause and do some circle breathing (breath in deeply, hold 4 or more counts, breathe out SLOWLY like for 8-10 counts, then breathe in again, do it again). You do not have to rush into this exam. You have plenty of time.
    • Use the whiteboard tool to write stuff down that is just ruminating in your head. It should stay there through the exam. Get it out of your head because the more you try to hold it all in, the more stress that creates. Write triggers for yourself or draw your beautiful drawings you were practicing with. Again, this helps your memory noggin do its thing and can get out some of that anxiety you are feeling.
  • During the exam
    • Dont let hard questions get you down. This is challenging, even for me who generally does well with test taking. Know that not all questions actually count toward your score. If you have a hard question, do your best, mark for review, and move on. Dont let it cloud your confidence. I literally thought I failed the whole exam because of the first section it was so hard. But I ended up passing 3AT!
    • Take the breaks. Dont try to be a hero. Breaks can be a good reset for your brain! Take them, and take the whole time if you need. Drink water. Have a snackie. Do some breathing and stretches.
    • Watch the time. This is important so you aren't rushing at the end, and also why you dont want to waste a lot of time on a few hard questions. Regarding time, I purposefully went fast when I was practicing to make sure I could still answer correctly under duress (and also I didn't have a lot of time for 4 hour exams while practicing). Most of my practice exams I finished in 1.5 hours and I scored in the 70-80% with expert questions. In the actual exam, I took about 3.25 hours.

I hope this helps someone out there. Sorry it was long but glad you made it to the end!

Memory Transcription Subject: Arthek, Governor of Venlil Prime, Hoobyist Archaeologist.
Date [Standardized Human Time]: Servers Unresponsive - Time Unknown. ——
I couldn’t lie and say that the Federation was perfect, to say so would be arrogant, but I believed it necessary. The natural state of things, that all of the Empathetic Species may join paw in universal brotherhood. I knew of its rightness from the day I could comprehend morality itself. I cherished the knowledge that our myriad species were destined to come together, for it was natural. I fostered deeply the revelation that the universe was a pasture and the myriad species that made up our humble home was one herd, all brothers. I had devoted my entire life to its continued existence, out of love alone.
I wished that I could add nuance to my zeal, but I could not. In my heart, I knew it was an irrevocable truth. All species shared one origin. This wasn’t unprovable like religion, or some deeply held superstition. It was a studied fact. Embedded deep within our conscious lay dormant memories. Flashes of warm light and white shapes. Large beings that towered over us, their features unidentifiable as they took one knee and encouraged our distant ancestors to toddle towards them. These fragmented memories of long dead predecessors were shared by every species we had come across, save for the Predators.
We don’t know much about those towering mirages that swaddled us when we were so young. All we know is that they loved, and their love could only be mimicked by us. Proof of this was found in what little we could find of their existence. They called themselves ‘Men’, and they controlled the Galaxy uncontested far before us. They were the first sentient species to exist. They made us, they showed us kindness, and through that mandated that all species - save for the intruding Predators - were bound as one large family. No words had to be shared, the memories we had would suffice.
Therefore, we forever walk in the shadow of these Men.
I hoped to walk closer than any other. I couldn’t call myself anyone particularly interesting. A few years spent as a judge had begun my political career, jetsoning me into the office of Venlil Prime’s Governor. It’s hard to believe it, but here I stood - on a platform of common good. I followed what I believed to be the example of the Men, for I had dedicated my tenure to public housing, support systems for the destitute, and protected their vision by expanding the Extermination Offices - causing me to boast the highest treatment rates in years.
Between boorish meetings and politicking, I savored my favorite hobby. I was an amateur archaeologist with a small collection. Mostly pottery shards from pre-uplift times, some old cups, and the likes. Hardly anything special, or I’d say so if not for a prized artifact of mine. A small piece of Mankind, characteristic of what few pieces of evidence we found to their existence. A plastic bauble, once white and yellowed by age. It didn’t seem all that interesting, it was shaped like a primitive rocket ship. Undetailed save for dirt stains and sun-damage.
But if one looked closely, there remained some detail still. Ancient symbols, faded and almost invisible to the naked eye. But with enough analysis, they could be seen as clear as day. Strangle circular symbols, indicative as a possible writing system. They were clear, ‘CCCP’.
It was a child’s toy, a bauble. And yet I still wondered what that could possibly mean? Was my assumption true, and was it writing? Was it a learning tool for children? Perhaps windows for whatever astronaut laid inside to peer through. All I knew is that I laid eyes on a device once held by Men, in the shape of the very devices they used to transverse the galaxy. Before now, I thought I would never see more. That this plaything was the largest I’d see, the only living testament to that ancient species, who existed so long ago … But I was wrong.
The small spacecraft rocked too and fro, myself strapped in and practically bouncing from anticipation. The news had reached my ears fast, that an astroarchaeological ship had made the discovery of the century. A spaceship, older than Venlil Prime itself. One that only could have belonged to men. I needed to see it, to view pre-history with my own eyes beyond trinkets and rusted tools. And here I was, being shuttled to the larger craft which stored it.
My singular companion, the Pilot, cast me a sidelong gaze - quizzical at my demeanor. I was a grown Ram, bouncing in my seat like a pup. The pilot, a scraggly farsul who evidently had hygiene as a fifth or seventh priority, let out a low chuckle at the sight. I had a reputation, admittedly, for my idealism and generally … pupishness. Still focused on his screens, he spoke with a raspy, low voice that strained my ears to hear.
“Excitable, huh?”
I chuckled idly in response to the question, my ears as erect as could be in an effort to hear his thin voice. “How could you be anything else at a time like this?”
The pilot responded to my chuckle with one of his own, a ominous growl that sounded more like a grunt than any laugh I’ve ever heard. “Discovery of the century, huh? I never got all the fanfare ‘round these guys … Every twenty-odd years, we find some old piece of steel or plastic or something else, and the experts squeak ‘Man-made! Man-Made!’ Then … Well … Suddenly all of the really cool stuff gets pushed to the back of the shelf, Y’know?”
His pessimistic comment affected me not, as I drummed my paws on the sides of the seat, “It’s proof. You know we all-“
“Remember?” He cut my speech short, “Yeah, yeah … Just remember, we don’t even know what men looked like. All you Federal bigwigs like to praise them like they’re gods, but you don’t know nothing about them. What they were like, why they made us, what they ate … “
He paused, resting his head against his seat’s headrest, casting me the most rancid, speh-eating approximation of a smile I’ve ever seen.
“You ever considered that maybe God’s a predator?”
I remained silent then, opening my mouth open and closed again, unsure just how to respond to such an accusation. This pilot was not someone I liked, at all. I ceased showing any forms of excitement and awkwardly sat, containing my anticipation as the sight of the Astroarchaeology ship came into view.
We’d find proof that this pilot was wrong. There was no way a predator would go out of their way to seed so many worlds, create us, and give us empathy. They hated all of that, for they lacked all of those things. He was full of speh, and I knew it.
A twinge of uncertainty momentarily cracked my lifelong zeal as we began to pull into the ship’s bay. History would be made today, one way or another. For better or worse, I’d be here to see it firsthand.

From 13-18 I dated a girl. Beautiful, smart, loyal, and basically perfect. Her parents never let us see each other much and we only ever had sex twice, but it was what it was. I treated her like shit because I was convinced something was up. I had this voice in my heart saying something was off every single day no matter how it seemed to my eyes. So I treated her horribly. I never cheated on her. Constantly accused her of cheating on me. Told her I cheated on her to try and make her reveal whatever she was hiding out of anger or as revenge. I never got anything. When I was 18 I had to leave Caldwell and move to winnfield. She told me she didn't love me anymore and left me for somebody else. It fucked me up so badly that I couldn't think of anything but her for a good year and a half. Completely destroyed myself for how I treated her and tried to become somebody who would never treat anyone like that again with her being my big life lesson. Always dreamt of reconnecting and getting to be a part of her life again because, you know, she's so pure and wonderful and the most beautiful girl blah blah blah. FF 10 years and I'm spun out on dope fighting with my ex and see her on fb. Send a request and she accepts it. Huzzah. Happy fucking day. I hold back tears and thank the holy father and maybe even a little pee dribbles out. It was a big moment. She's still married to the dude. Wow. Thats rare these days. I guess she is still pure and radiant angel. Their marriage goes to poop because he wants an open relationship and gets her to do all kinds of stuff to unfamiliar penises and he muff dives into strange waters and she dont like it. Hmm. Okay. She is a pure, godly woman. Clearly. Hmm. Much yes. Much yes indeed. So she accepts my apology and we talk and talk and talk as friends. She even meets Amy and they love each other. (God I would give anything to have her back so she could hear this shit). Anyway. I go to jail for crime. When Amy passes and after I start eating and living again, I start writing Alexandra. We have a pretty consistent back and forth and we have so much in common and I'm marveling at it. Thinking all of these wonderful feelings from the forgiveness and beautiful friendship I've found with somebody I'd hurt so badly. I can't stress enough how much these 10 years of her memory molded who I am. I tried so hard to use It to be a better person and as a testimonial to how my paranoia isn't a healthy thing and leads me to such hatefulness. I'm going on way too long so I'll wrap it up. I get out of jail, we keep talking, become best friends and she confides in me that her dad raped her the whole time we dated. Then gradually little hints and things she said and did so long ago reveal the truth that she was willingly cheating on me with her dad and only had sex with me when he came in her and she needed to potentially pin a pregnancy on me. Her nudes were always taken by somebody else and one time she told me i was her own personal porn star and i never knew what she meant untill now. She justifies it as helping her parents marriage and has no idea how badly this shit is all effecting me.She has a whole old man fetish that she hints at and I show her a picture of my dad yesterday and it comes out that she was talking to him too while we were dating. Never said a word to me while we were together about it. I barely know my dad. We met one time and she was with me. I guess they hit it off while I was pissing. 10 years of guilt buried that deep have impacted who I am as a person so profoundly that I don't know how to unravel it and remove the pieces while processing and letting go of how I was justified in my feelings and that now the one friendship I wanted more than anything with somebody I programmed myself to hold so highly now has absolutely no value to me now. Idk. Maybe im not articulating myself on that as well as I could but I'm so confused and don't know which layer of my emotions to do what with first. It seems stupidly shallow and idiotic of me to be so caught up with this, but in my empty little life this really hit me hard

First things first, sorry if my english is wierd or I made grammar mistskes etc. It's not my native language.
My therapist said "We will talk about your past on next sessions". Which is suprise, suprise centered about bullying. Yay...
So I decided to write what I can remember on my phone, it's not easy cuz I don't remember a lot of what did happen, and memories I have are clouded, some have gaps.
I stood up to my bullies but it only made things worse. And no it wasn't just verbal standing up, I actualy did fight with them, daily. Everyday I would have to defend myself using fists. Almost everytime I won but it didn't change anything, in fact it only made things even worse.
I fought for 5 years straight, I was from 8 to 12yo. But it changed me, I became more and more agressive with each passing month. The day I broke one guy both hands (and I believe he was lucky, cuz I dropped him from the stairs with a lot of force) was the day I decided to stop, I promised myself I will never beat anyone again no mater what.I wanted to stop, becouse as a 12yo, I was afraid of what I might do next.
Bullying never stopped it continued, was worse everyday. Standing up only made things worse and I became very easy to anger, just one word was, and still is sometimes, enough to make me furious.
If you think going to medium school or highschool changed something you would be wrong. Oh, actualy it did, I never stood up for myself with fists again, just verbaly and it also just made things worse.
And here is my question. Did standing up to your bullies ever worked?

I've taken multiple tests and want to know exactly what type I am. I'd like an extra opinion on what potential types I might have, as I'm not sure if what results I am getting are due to me wanting to be a certain type and a certain person, and if I am an unbiased enough source. I'm not even sure if my answers to the questionnaire are the most reliable, especially since I have a bad recollection of what I've thought of in the past or my behaviors, and I have a memory that is not ideal in certain areas. On tests, I've gotten INTP, ENTP, and I have a feeling INFP and ENFP might be strong contenders.

• How old are you? What's your gender? Give us a general description of yourself.

All I’m going to say about my age is that I am young and I’m a student. I am female. I don’t think I understand myself too much, but I’m trying. I’m not sure how accurately I can assess myself.

• Is there a medical diagnosis that impact your mental/comportamental stability somehow?

I have been diagnosed with ADHD.

• If you had to spend an entire weekend by yourself, how would you feel? Would you feel lonely or refreshed?

That depends. I do it all the time and it really depends on how much I can do before getting bored. When I’m alone I can at least reflect on things, ideas, or whatever is going on in my head. I already spend most of my time alone because I have no social life and I find it hard to get to know people I click with, or people I can share my ideas with. Without other people, I can't discuss my ideas with other people and get their thoughts, which is something I like to have.

• What is your relation with movement and your surroundings? For instance do you prefer a sport or outdoors event? If an outdoors event what is it? And why? If not what type of activities do you tend to engage in?

I’m going to admit that I’m not the best at observing my surroundings. I have a tendency to walk too close to the counter and hit the side of my body against it, or smack my foot on a chair leg. I walk strangely. I’ve noticed that. That might be an ADHD thing.

• How curious are you? Do you have more ideas then you can execute? What are your curiosities about? What are your ideas about - is it environmental or conceptual, and can you please elaborate?

I’d like to say that I’m curious. But am I? I’m not sure. What things about me, things that I question, my general outlook on life, what qualities found within me would label me as someone who's curious? What I’m curious about can change, I tend to hop from one thing to another, which leaves me with a large amount of surface knowledge, but I can never get too deep into anything due to my mind already getting preoccupied by something else. I'd say I have more ideas than what I can execute. There are so many different paths I can take, so many different ways I can write this, or do that. My ideas are more conceptual. I'd think of a way to write a story or an imaginary situation. I'd go into more detail, but trying to pull up exactly what my ideas are is hard. It seems like I tend to forget my ideas a lot, or until something triggers them again.

• Would you enjoy taking on a leadership position? Do you think you would be good at it? What would your leadership style be?

I don’t know if I’d enjoy a leadership position or not. I dislike having to wrangle other people into doing their jobs during group projects, and I don’t like doing work I’m not interested in. I’d rather do things myself just because only I can at least measure up to my lofty expectations, or at least conjure a small fraction of them. I don’t take leadership positions often, so I’m not sure how I’d lead others. I’d rather question and criticize the leader’s decisions rather than contribute any meaningful ideas to the project.

• Are you coordinated? Why do you feel as if you are or are not? Do you enjoy working with your hands in some form? Describe your activity?

I am not coordinated. I run into things all the time, the edge of my desk, my door frame, the door handle, the countertop, a chair, etc. I walk super funny. I don’t mind working with my hands. It’s nice sometimes. I like working with my hands in the sense that it keeps my hands occupied. I move and fidget a lot. I can't sit still. It doesn't feel write when I'm forced to not at least move one part of my body repetitively.

• Are you artistic? If yes, describe your art? If you are not particularly artistic but can appreciate art please likewise describe what forums of art you enjoy. Please explain your answer.

I don’t know if I’m artistic. I’ve created my own characters for a story, or at least the shreds of one, and I like to come up with imaginary scenarios. I like to create elements in settings. Oftentimes, I do need some inspiration, something I can take an idea and turn it into something else. I really enjoy music and stories. With music, there’s something about it that I love, how it can evoke something from me, oftentimes a moment of an imaginary story, if that makes sense. I enjoy stories because there is so much to get from it. It’s at least entertaining, and it’s interesting to see how someone, a character or a real individual ends in the way they do.

• What's your opinion about the past, present, and future? How do you deal with them?

I have a bad memory, at least in certain aspects. The past is something I do wish I could remember better, at least to remember the fun and good things that happened, but there’s not much I can do about it. The future is something I fantasize about. I wonder what I’ll be, what I could be, and how unrealistic those paths and outcomes are. It’s a way to pass the time. There’s so much that could happen, so many ways my life could instantly change for the worse. There’s not much to say about the present. It constantly changes and it never stays for long in my memory. So I’ll just do whatever will keep me entertained for the moment. I have a sort of disconnect from my past self. When I think about myself, I have a hard time seeing any version of myself aside from my present self. It's hard to comprehend that I've changed, rather, I feel as if I've always been the way that I am.

• How do you act when others request your help to do something (anything)? If you would decide to help them, why would you do so?

That is heavily dependent on what exactly I am helping other people with. If it's anything involving heavy lifting, I'm not going to be too happy with it, just because I'm not going to be helpful. I help people due to

• Do you need logical consistency in your life?

I’m not sure. I like to get what I expect out of my work. Reality is unrealistic. It might be futile to expect logic to happen. It might be nice in some areas.

• How important is efficiency and productivity to you?

I’d be better if I were more efficient and productive, but I’m not. I’ll either be doing no work or forty hours of work within two hours.

• Do you control others, even if indirectly? How and why do you do that?

Do I? I might. I might be doing it subconsciously. I find others that I’m not too familiar with. I know what members of my family like me better. So I’ll use that to my advantage. I know that while I’m awkward and have a hard time talking to people like a normal person, I’m aware that some people find it appealing, especially if I’m genuine (or at least seem that way) or nice to them.

• What are your hobbies? Why do you like them?

My hobbies constantly change because I tend to bounce between multiple hobbies. One day I’m looking at airplane crashes. Next, I’m looking at birds or disasters. I’ll watch a whole bunch of media analysis videos because I tend to miss so many details when consuming pieces of media. I do have this whole fantasy world with a large number of characters I've made up, just due to how it encourages me to research other topics and I find it fun to implement elements from other pieces of media into it. I also have an addiction to TvTropes because I find looking at patterns in pieces of media quite fun, and it's fun seeing how certain tropes are a thing.

• What is your learning style? What kind of learning environments do you struggle with most? Why do you like/struggle with these learning styles? Do you prefer classes involving memorization, logic, creativity, or your physical senses?

Funnily enough, I could never figure out my learning style. That was because I tended to pick up on subjects very easily, so I never could tell what worked with me better. I prefer a learning environment where I can ask questions and get clarification, and as much as I dislike engaging and working with groups, I find it easier to process things if I can at least discuss those subjects with other people.

• How good are you at strategizing? Do you easily break up projects into manageable tasks? Or do you have a tendency to wing projects and improvise as you go?

I’m not that good at strategizing. I’d rather wing it, just due to my inability to think of ideas and paths to get things done. I can't get my brain in order and any plans I make will get derailed soon afterwards.

• What's important to you and why?

I thought about it for a little bit and realized that I don't have much of an idea about what I find important. I think I seek validation from people, as much as I don't admit it. I think I care about people's opinions more than I'd like to. But individual things that are important to me? I'm not sure. I've been trying to make some things important to me.

• What are your fears? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you hate? Why?

I fear rejection. I'm horribly sensitive to it and I'm not sure why. I can't name what I hate, but there are a lot of things that I'm frustrated with. I have some existential fears. I'm scared of what people could do to me. I fear what people think of me. I'm sure it's because people see me as strange. I'm alone, but I don't mind too much. But I still have that part of myself that has those fears.

• What do the "highs" in your life look like?

I'm enjoying new things, and new experiences.

• What do the "lows" in your life look like?

I'm stuck in an endless loop of days that seem to blend, doing the same mind-numbing tasks over and over. Then I start to wonder if this is all life has to offer me. Or I'm going through that downward spiral and I wonder if I can truly be valued, loved, or have any worth. I feel unlovable when stressed.

• How attached are you to reality? Do you daydream often, or do you pay attention to what's around you? If you do daydream, are you aware of your surroundings while you do so?

I am not attached to reality at all. I daydream a lot. When I daydream, my surroundings fade away. I’ve noticed that this happens when I’m focused on one task. I’ll often walk around, thinking about various subjects. I have walked past people I know well without noticing them despite knowing them well, just because I'm so deep in thought that I no longer notice things that are practically in front of me.

• Imagine you are alone in a blank, empty room. There is nothing for you to do and no one to talk to. What do you think about?

I’m not sure how I’ll react, but I have a few theories. I’ll just think about multiple things, like philosophical concepts, the latest form of media I’ve consumed, and random things. I’ll be thinking about all of my characters and potential plot points for a story. I’ll pace around while doing so because I’ll think better when my legs are moving and I’m walking around in circles. Eventually, I’ll get bored. Then I’ll contemplate a large number of things like when I’ll get to do something else because I need something to trigger the thought process. I might just sleep. Who knows. I might go down a dark spiral of self-pity, or maybe I’ll be confused about how I got into that room in the first place.

• How long do you take to make an important decision? And do you change your mind once you've made it?

I wait as long as I possibly can because I’ll probably have no idea what I’m doing. I’ll make a decision and question it. I’d like to say I’d try and consider if it’s a good decision, but I’m going to need a little more context about what decision I’m making before I’ll know what my approach on making important decisions is.

• How long do you take to process your emotions? How important are emotions in your life?

I have a hard time regulating my emotions. So oftentimes, I’ll be wondering why I’m feeling that way, why I’m reacting a certain way. I tend to start overanalyzing my emotions and overthink things. A lot of the time, I can’t figure it out. I find my emotions to be rather annoying, I can be overly sensitive and easily overwhelmed by emotions. I’m pretty sure that’s partially because of my ADHD, after doing some research. I find my emotions strange because I often react emotionally in strange ways.

• Do you ever catch yourself agreeing with others just to appease them and keep the conversation going? How often? Why?

I don't remember doing this. There are other ways to keep a conversation going and it depends on if I really want to be talking with this person for any longer.

• Do you break rules often? Do you think authority should be challenged, or that they know better? If you do break rules, why would you?

I wouldn’t consider myself that much of a rulebreaker. I’ll pirate stuff. I’ll ignore stuff that other people say. I think authority should be challenged, especially since I’ve reasoned that oftentimes, authority does not know better. I’m too lazy to be outright defiant. If a rule’s stupid, I might ignore it.

I need to write a file to free memory. I tried using HxD to copy the hex code of it and using peek poker to write it, but peek poker won’t let me paste the code. Mainly just wondering if there’s a better tool / easier way to do it.