Pyari gand chachi ki

https://preview.redd.it/p7ewj2by9k2d1.png?width=888&format=png&auto=webp&s=86d24173ddd1a62b65e4c49f4c1df2aaed9a018f
I feel like I don't deserve to feel this way.... started my journey after 10th, not knowing much about JEE, found my friends going on about this 'coaching'. But that time it seemed very unreasonably expensive to me. So after a few weeks got to know about PW, enrolled.... just went along with the flow. Ghar pe baithke lecture dekha krta tha, notes and all, even did DPPs and Test and all in the start. Then came half yearly, prep came to a halt, very erratic schedule.. did decent-good in school somehow but even after half yearly ended, couldn't continue the way I did earlier.
After a while started watching lecs yet again, but then around November, went to my Nani for 'CHHATT PUJA', again paused with the prep. Moving forward dec/jan I don't even remember what I did but haan notes bnaye bohut, bina mtlb ki copy zarur bhari thi. Survived 11th Finals..... 11th class came to an end. Wasted whole of march, contemplating and 'enjoying'.
12th was here, decided to be more diligent this time around, started well off for the 2 months april and march. Had given importance to maths also this time. BUT summer vacations came, had in mind that will do 11th left over and revise the 12th well... wasted the whole vacations playing minecraft, even neglected hhw of 12th (those were shit tho).
School reopened, again resumed my prep, backlog is here, school pressure, halfyearly is already here..?? Studied day and night for it again leaving the JEE prep. Lost the will to study after half yearly. Wasted a month or so, humungous backlog in MATHS, bad faculty in CHEM got made me lose interest in IOC. October was here... Im not sure what I did for the last 1.5 years, again got hit by reality, started covering shit but only so much could be done. Somehow finished my 12th Physics, OC, Physical and part IOC... Maths was I not even sure of 1 chapter I had a command on.
Starting from Nov mid to Jan, it was an absolute mess of an schedule paired with bullshittery done by my school with the practicals, preboards with huge gaps and gand mei ungli regarding attendence, it was the most hectic and shitty 3 months of my life.
Got 27s1, scared, nervous but still decided to give it my all... mere mocks mei ache nhi aa rhe the. Ended with a 113 83%ile, tbh could not process that, really shattered my expectations. Also, I was that kinda guy jisko %ile, good score, how to attempt negative marking papers jaisi chizo ka idea nhi tha toh this acted as my test drive. Continuing on, lazed around till mid feb for the results, I was not even sure what to tell my parents.
Boards came close and ankhe jhapakte hi boards were at the doorstep, picked up some pace, grinded fuckall for boards, Chemistry, Maths but physics ka idk kya hua ajeeb hi prep hui. Finished with boards. Finally decided to give my all to 2nd attempt, kind of a eye opening moment here. Got my school friend (aka u/Pussychor) as a accountability partner, starting timing myself for the first time, did vigorous study starting with 8hrs to even reaching around 13+ hrs for the day and this was an achievement, at this point I was actually satisfied that mai mehnat toh kr rha hu.
But sadly, CS board exam on 2nd april, had my JEE on 6th, fucking panicked due to CS, half assed it, fucked that and that killed my JEE momentum, it was a good 16-17 day prep. Got 92% in boards, satisfied, decent for the effort I put in.
JEE 2nd attempt - 6s1 - 150 marks and 93.3 %ile, cleared gen cutoff with just 0.01 %ile. This time, I could not accept it, I was furious.... at my own luck, at my hilariously shitty luck. This was like a breaking point for me, I lost almost all aspiration.
Now cut back to today, here I am sitting soulessly at the desk I've been sitting for the past 3 years, feeling nothing, no fear of advanced which I am going to attempt for the sake of it because I haven't done jackshit but at the some time being filled with utmost regret of not doing better, disappointing not only my parents but myself. TBH, at this point I don't know how or where or why to cry, to bawl my eyes out waiting for someone to say I did 'something'.... maybe not as well as the others, maybe I had not done hard enough, I just feel sad over my incompetence.
Im not sure if I should feel that I worked hard, Im not sure if Im allowed to fail at things, Im not sure if Im allowed to lose hope at times, I don't know where I will end up later. Am I bad for being satisfied with having DTU ECE as my first choice and taking it easy now?? Am I labelled as a loser now?? I never had the ambitions or any thought of taking a drop, Im strong enough to study for JEE for another year. But well, baghwan ki dua bol lo ya reservation ka randapa, I am getting a seat due to that. (illegal nhi hai tho).
Firse, incoherant shit likhdia, I doubt koi itna lmba text padhega**,** but had to write this. Fuck this is long!! Even tho I compressed it.