Noah The Pilgrim
First Next
There is one last thing to do before leaving. If you don't recall ever being on this ship, then surely, you could have had your appearance change too.
Why was there a blanket covering a mirror? You couldn't answer that with a straight face without speculation.
"Probably me being lazy and not bothering to properly place it in the wardrobe."
'Probably' is the main focus here, you simply cannot remember ever being that lazy, yet that's the only logical conclusion to be drawn here.
You pull the thing off, careful to not displace the mirror and risk breaking it.
You have no expectations as to what may appear on the glassy surface of the mirror, yet you can't help but feel a bit anxious. Are you the same as before? How were you before? You can't remember. Are you better? Worse? The blanket is now completely off the mirror, but your eyes are closed.
Whatever is it that you see when you open your eyes, that thing will be you for the rest of your life. You swallow, opening your eyes.
You see a young man that looks to be in his mid-twenties. His brown eyes stare back at you, analyzing the bags beneath your eye sockets. The dark hair is neither too long nor too short, floating about without order thanks to the lack of gravity to keep it down. You see a beard that has not been trimmed for weeks, but also lacks thickness, each singular hair isn't particularly long either; and some even appear to be in-grown.
You touch your hand against your face, making sure it's yours. The beard doesn't feel like you supposed it would against your skin, instead of it scraping your hand you feel softness, no resistance or anything.
Just beneath the face, you see what looks like a hate crime against all that is considered holy in fashion. Plain white coveralls with the added bonus of a black tie and boots made from metal and leather. On your chest is also a badge stuck in place by velcro with your name, occupation, and crew. 'NOAH - INTERN - THE ODYSSEY.'
Only one question came to mind.
"Who the fuck designed this uniform?" You say out loud, receiving no answer.
Patting your newfound myriad of pockets, you find a large quantity of nothing. You place your wallet in one of them.
"Alright, I'll head to the bridge now, happy?" You say the AI.
"HAPPINESS WILL ONLY MEET ME ONCE YOU ARE SOMEWHERE SAFE AND YOUR CONTRACT IS TERMINATED. STOP LOITERING."
Well, that's a bit rude.
You compose yourself, straightening your back. This is what you look like, and honestly? Not too bad, but you could be better.
Returning to the cafeteria, you eye the two doors left unexplored; Communications and the one without plaque. You know where you should, but... A little peek doesn't hurt, right?
"Shouldn't we try to communicate with someone? Assuming you haven't tried it yet. I know we're far from everything, but we might as well, no?" You ask already approaching the door.
"COMMUNICATIONS ROOM IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO REACH WITHOUT PROPER PROTECTION AS OF NOW, IT'S LOCATED APPROXIMATELY TWO HUNDRED METERS FROM HERE, BLOWN OFF FROM THE REST OF THE SHIP." A shame really. "I SHALL INFORM YOU WHENEVER A DOOR LEADS TO THE OUTSIDE OR NOT."
You really want to ask what blew a whole segment of the ship off, yet you have a sneaking suspicion that your question will be met with a 'YOU DON'T HAVE CLEARANCE, JACKASS' directly in your face. So you chose to remain silent, simply nodding and approaching the correct door this time.
"Open."
---OPENING CAFETERIA DOOR NORTH---
The door silently opens.
Greeting you is a well-lit corridor. There are three doors on your left, a door at the end of the corridor, and a large window on the right. At least, you think that's a window.
You stare out from this window, nothing but utter blackness and fragments from your ship are seen. If this is the edge of the universe, and beyond this point, there is truly nothing. "Dreadful." Your speech matches your feelings.
"WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?" The AI says. You feel like it spoke in a mocking tone despite their lack of emotion.
You don't answer. "First door to the left... EXO-EXPLORATION...? What's that supposed to mean?" You receive no answer.
"Open." The door opens. No declarion of it opening once again.
You are met with what could be better described as 'Apocalyptic levels of mess', paper sheets float in the air, and not one of the four tables is in its correct position.
This room has been ransacked for all its goods apparently. Large display glasses were broken leaving nothing inside their casings, that looked like they could store something with the size of the common man.
Unusual displays aside, the room was so cluttered that the trash made for an effective smoke screen against what lay on the other side.
Hissing of gas exiting an air-tight space rang throughout the room.
"I HAVE OPENED THE STORAGE FOR AN EXO SUIT THAT BEST FITS SOMEONE YOUR SIZE." The AI says. "ALTHOUGH AN INTERN SHOULD NOT COME IN CONTACT WITH TECHNOLOGY SUCH AS THIS ONE, PROTOCOL DICTATES THAT I AM TO ALLOW ITS USAGE UNDER EXTREME CIRCUMSTANCES. CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY."
Easier said than done. Your vision is so cluttered that you cannot see what's ahead. "Give me a second."
Giving a light kick to the wall behind, you float face-first into the wall of thrash. Covering your face with both arms, you brace through the harmless bits of sharp objects and junk.
It's a trivial task. You arrive on the other side in no time.
In front of you is a set of boxes with luminous glass rectangles atop each one of them. All shine a bright red light, aside from one which shines green.
'Gotta be this one.'
You descend to the floor by kicking the ceiling, raising your right hand you touch the green rectangle.
*Click*
Nothing could have prepared you for the following series of events.
The box opens violently, as a metal appendage takes hold of your hand, pinning it to the box. You try to jerk and pry the thing off of you, but you fail. It's not leaving you anytime soon.
From the bottomless that is that container, a white plastic-like substance flows upward from your arm to the rest of your body. "Uh!" You don't know if you should panic or allow it to happen.
FYARN hasn't said anything, so it's probably fine...
The white thing seems to ignore the coveralls you are wearing completely, instead, it covers only your skin in a thin coat of... it. You know not what to call this thing.
In but forty seconds it has covered your whole body, excluding your head. The box lets go of your arm and stays there, floating.
You take a good look at your arms. It looks like a skin-tight suit, but it doesn't feel like plastic, in fact, it's more akin to some sort of fabric if anything.
The only bad part is that you are still using the coverall and tie, this this simply went beneath the clothing.
"GOOD, WITH THIS I CAN MONITOR YOU MORE CLOSELY. NOW PUT THE HELMET ON, YOU HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO."
You look around in search of anything that even resembles a helmet. Nope. Nothing. "Where is it?" You ask.
"...THE SUIT COMES WITHIN THE HELMET FOR EASIER PACKAGING."
The box?
You snatch the box that floated around and analyze it to the best of your ability. "How's this a helmet?"
"DO YOU NEED ASSISTANCE PUTTING ON A HELMET? REALLY?"
Who is this AI, Who programmed it, and Why does it come with a taunting feature?
As idiotic as it sounds, you place the opened box atop your head. It doesn't fit properly. Maybe you're doing this wrong? You move it to your face instead.
You recoil backward as you feel the box suddenly clamping down against your head. It's useless of course, the box is holding your head and doesn't give any sign to be letting go anytime soon. No light is able to reach your eyes.
You hear metal parts scraping against themselves, moving near your ears. Abruptly your eyes can see again.
A round thin layer of glass now covers your head, almost unnoticeable for how clear it is.
"WITH THAT OUT OF THE WAY I CAN NOW SEE WHAT YOU SEE." The AI's voice isn't in the room now, instead, it's inside of the suit. "DO YOU NEED INSTRUCTIONS REGARDING THIS SUIT'S FUNCTIONALITIES?"
You find it oddly comfortable as if you are surrounded by the softness of cotton, and to top it off the suit also has additional functionalities? "Hell yeah, I do!"
"YOU DO NOT HAVE THE NECESSARY CLEARANCE FOR THAT INFORMATION."
You sigh. Is this serious? "Then why the fuck did you ask?!"
"UNSAVORY LANGUAGE. IT'S NO WONDER WHY YOU REMAIN AN INTERN." The AI says outright. "IT IS RUDE NOT TO ASK, REGARDLESS OF THE SITUATION." It responds to your question.
"Okay then... Is there anything I need to know before heading out?" You ask.
"NOTHING THAT YOU WON'T FIGURE OUT ON YOUR OWN."
You are unsure if you want to 'figure out on your own' if this suit comes with breathable air and is also made for space exploration. You swallow.
Meekly as always, you get out of that mess of a room, stopping at the corridor.
"Next set of directions?" You ask.
"THE DOOR AT THE END OF CORRIDOR USED TO LEAD TO THE CONNECTING CORRIDORS BETWEN THE BRIDGE AND THE REST OF THE SHIP. IT HAS BEEN BLOWN UP FROM THE INSIDE. NOW IT LEADS TO THE OUTSIDE. GO TO THE DOOR AND WAIT BY IT FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS."
"So let me get this straight," You begin, looking upwards as if the AI was above you. "You, want me, to go into the void of space, while also refusing to give me knowledge of the suit's functions?"
A fair worry, you summarize.
'I mean, there are a bunch of things that could go wrong here. I don't see anything that looks like it could help me move in space, nor do I think this thing has a built-in air tank... I could be wrong and I wish to be, but charging in without prior knowledge is ridiculous.' You wait for the AI's response, deep in thought.
"WHILE THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE OF YOU FAILING THIS TASK, THERE IS ALSO THE CHANCE OF YOU *NOT* FAILING THE TASK. FOCUS ON EITHER ONE OF YOUR CHOOSING AS YOU TAKE THE PLUNGE."
Wordlessly, you propel yourself forward, toward the end of the corridor.
'Are you shitting me? 'Chance of me nor failing' my ass!' of course, you don't word those complaints, instead choosing to speak out a complaint somewhat thought through.
"Are you sure I'm the one fit for this? It's just like you said, I'm just an intern, this is way above what my job description says I should do."
This is a bit of a stretch. You don't actually remember what was your job description, only that it had something to do with AI and being an intern.
If the AI called your bluff, it'd be pretty embarrassing.
"NOAH." The AI began. "YOU ARE HUMAN, IT IS NATURAL TO HAVE THESE THOUGHTS OF SELF-DOUBT. TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND GO THROUGH THAT DOOR, AND SINCE YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE LEFT, DON'T EXPECT SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT FOR YOU."
Right in the money, huh? 'Of course, I have self-doubt! I barely remember anything about this place, now I have to risk my life?!'
You finally reach a conclusion.
A dream.
'Yes, yes! How did I not consider this before? This whole thing is a god damned dream!'
You let out a chuckle.
"NOAH."
'That's why I don't remember a thing. There is nothing here to remember! Everything here is a made-up thing from my brain! I'm sure I'll wake up at some point, so why shouldn't I live a little?!'
"Heh." You smile. "Alright, I'll do it." It feels like a weight left your shoulders.
"YOU SORTED IT OUT SOONER THAN EXPECTED. GOOD. MOVE TO THE DOOR AND WAIT INSTRUCTIONS."
You do as instructed without a care in the world. You never had a lucid dream before so it's not like you knew how it felt, but if it felt as free as you feel right now, you'd be sure to make steps toward trying it out again in the future.
"Open." The door does not open.
"I DID NOT INSTRUCT YOU TO OPEN IT YET." The AI said. "I AM SLOWLY DE-PRESSURISING THE CORRIDOR YOU ARE IN TO AVOID A MINOR ACCIDENT."
The AI says that yet you don't feel any different. 'Maybe there is no palpable difference because I'm in a dream... Yes... Or it's just the suit.'
"ONCE THE DOOR OPENS, YOU WILL BE MET WITH THE OUTSIDE OF THE SHIP. DO NOT PANIC WHEN THE TIME COMES. YOU HAVE TWO MINUTES OF BREATHABLE INSIDE THE EXO-SUIT; ONE AFTER THE DOOR OPENS, SO PLEASE, TAKE YOUR TIME AND DO THINGS CAREFULLY."
One minute outside... "Sure." You say, calmly. 'I should just hold my breath for a while before taking another moment to breathe. That should maximize my time out there.'
"THERE SHOULD BE FIFTY METERS OF NOTHINGNESS BETWEEN THE DOOR YOU'RE AT, AND THE REST OF THE BRIDGE. YOUR PRIORITY IS TO FIND AN OXYGEN UNIT, SOME OF THEM ARE LOCATED AT THE BRIDGE AND ARE FULL. USE THEM TO FILL YOUR SUIT AND ALSO TO DISPENSE A TANK FOR YOU."
The door opens. You feel your heart pounding against your chest.
You haven't noticed before, but you can't hear anything but the sound of your breath and your cardiac palpitations.
Your breath is ragged and sporadic.
"KEEP CALM." You take a deep breath. The tips of your fingers, feet, and nose feel very cold.
Ahead of you is the utter nothingness. You see a gigantic metal thing, nothing like the spaceships you imagined. Its design is not sleek and aero-dynamic like what you've seen in movies, instead, it's a large mass of squares and rectangles with antenna-like things protruding from its every visible surface.
You notice that the ship is also blocking your view of the star.
It does not look like the result of an explosion, instead, it looks like something ripped the ship like you rip a piece of paper. Well, that or you don't know what kind of explosion could have caused it. Probably the latter.
What looks like two-thirds of the ship is separated from the third you are right now. You can see the inside of a few of those squares, their contents spilled out into outer space.
One of them houses a visibly important-look door. Instead of the sleek silvery-grey from the other ones you've seen thus far, this one is painted orange with white strips on it. 'That must be the bridge.' You think.
Between you and it is a sea of metal sheets floating around. "THE CHANCES OF YOU HITTING THE DEBRIS IS INFINITEDECIMALLY SMALL, UNLESS YOU AIM FOR THEM, THAT IS."
Time is of the essence.
Will your aim strike true? If you miss you'd end up floating about in space, dead in but a few minutes. Will your jump be fast enough to reach the other side before you run out of oxygen? If it isn't, it'd be like swimming for a mile, only to drown at the beach. What if that's not the actual door to the bridge?
You don't have the time to panic now, and... It's all a dream, despite how real it feels.
You place your hands on each side of the door frame, moving backward into the corridor you were just in, and just like a sling being shot, you pull with both arms at full force towards the other side.
"AIM IS ACCEPTABLE. VELOCITY IS UNIDEAL."
"The fuck do you mean 'UN-IDEAL'?! I'm going at maximum speed!" You truly pulled yourself with your whole strength.
What's worse though, is that your body is not only going forwards, but it is also spinning at a concerningly fast rate.
"I MEAN WHAT I SAID, YOU SLINGSHOTTED YOURSELF AT A BAD POSITION, AS SUCH, SOME OF THE FORWARD FORCE YOU SHOULD HAVE, IS NOW MAKING YOU ROTATE IN YOUR AXIS. IT SHOULD NOT BE A PROBLEM TO REACH THE OTHER SIDE WITHIN THE REQUIRED TIME, BUT I CANNOT FORESEE YOU LANDING PROPERLY."
You feel completely disoriented. You feel like your body is completely still, but your eyes tell you a completely different story. It's very bad for the headache you're already feeling.
"FUCK!" You scream into the nothingness.
"TRY NOT TO LAND WITH YOUR HEAD." The AI says with the calmest voice possible.
In less than thirty seconds, you hit your back against something hard, but you keep moving forward. You think, at least.
"AHRG." You let out a pained grunt.
Not once in your life do you recall being hurt in a dream...
It stings. It also knocked the wind out of you. You fail to compose yourself.
"YOU HIT NOTHING OF IMPORTANCE. YOU ARE STILL HEADING FOR THE BRIDGE."
In the corner of your eye, you see what you hit in the shape of a sharp metal sheet, currently spinning away in the distance.
Forty seconds have passed. You hit the door you were aiming for, kind of.
Your momentum was stopped when your chest collided against the dislodged ledge of the orange door's corridor. Your dangling legs hit the ceiling of the room below.
"Oof!"
Before falling even further, you hold onto the ledge with the tip of your fingers. You stay there for a moment, regaining your composure.
"BE QUICK."
The AI's words pressured you into quickly getting up from that ledge.
"Open!" You shouted, but it did not open. "Why isn't it opening?!" You ask the AI, then you notice a small keyboard below an equally small black screen on the side of the door. There are ten numbered keys on it, and the little screen suggests a four-number password.
"A password?! Tell me the password!"
The AI takes a moment to say anything. You don't take kindly to that. "Quick! I'm not counting how much time it's passed!"
Finally giving in, the AI speaks to you, reluctant still. "...3324."
Your trembling fingers accidentally hit the wrong password, typing '3354' instead. To make matters worse, the AI simply states the following. "YOU ARE OUT OF OXYGEN."
You swallow. If this was a dream to begin with, it just earned the title of Nightmare, if it hadn't already.
Strangely enough, you can still breathe in and out just fine, but you can't help but feel winded. It's the CO2 still inside the helmet, that's what you're breathing.
You put in the correct combination this time. The door opens.
"ON YOUR LEFT. PLACE YOUR HAND IN THE SOCKET."
You care little for what's inside the room you're in. Your heart never beat so fast.
Seeing a cube-shaped thing protruding from the wall to your left, you don't even think twice before plunging your fist into the circular hole in it.
The noise of gases passing through narrow cavities was enough to tell you something was working. You feel immediate relief, enough to make your vision darken for but a moment.
"GOOD. NOW REQUEST THE TANK."
Just when FYARN said it, did you realize there is a screen and a keyboard on the terminal you just plunged your fist into, you scratch the top of your helmet for a moment, not really knowing what to type. One thing comes to your head, however.
'REQUEST OXYGEN_5L' You type.
You've done this before. The keys on this keyboard feel familiar to you. You must have worked with it before, not this particular one, but other oxygen units.
This ship has built-in liquid oxygen storage for emergencies. The life-support of the ship, the place where breathable air is produced, has most likely been lost with the other part of the ship. This unit takes that liquid oxygen, processes it, and injects it into a suit, or an oxygen tank. It seems like that storage was unaffected.
Lucky you.
A 5-liter tank is not only large but also heavy. It's a nonfactor in this particular situation, as there is no gravity.
The silver cylinder with a transparent tube is dispensed on the floor, as an automatic door opens and closes in the blink of an eye. One end of the tube is attached to the top of the tank, the other is shaped like a syringe.
Oddly enough, the oxygen tank is exactly as you remember it being. The same robust ones hospitals everyone on earth uses, with the signature scary-looking pointer indicating the pressure, the pointer indicating the current output, and a green valve atop to calibrate how much gas is flowing.
This is a stark difference to everything looking so futuristic in this ship, and rightfully so, this is a space ship after all.
You remember having to drive twenty kilometers with a buddy of yours on one of those tanks in your car, returning from the hospital. It was... Agonizing whenever you hit a hole in the asphalt, fearing for his life when in reality he wasn't really in danger.
It's warm to the touch, just like you remember it being.
"TURN THE VALVE UNTIL THE MARKER HITS THE NUMBER ONE, AND THEN PLACE THE END OF THE TUBE AT THE BASE OF THE HELMET." You do so without the slightest of issues.
"GOOD. NEXT UP, YOU MUST LOCATE THE TERMINAL RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ENGINE, IT IS CURRENTLY OFFLINE AND I NEED YOU TO TURN IT ON. THIS SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING, BUT REMEMBER TO BRING THE TANK WITH YOU."
Ignoring that last comment, you look back at the wreckage you just flew past.
You see the still spinning metal sheet. You notice that the rest of the ship that was blown off also follows the 'sharp shape atop sharp shape' design.
There is one last thing you notice though.
"What is that?"
You squint your eyes. What are you seeing? Its silhouette appears to be humanoid, yet it does not look human.
"WHAT YOU ARE SEEING IS ONE OF THE OBJECTS BEING ANALYZED AT THE ODYSSEY AND NO, YOU MAY NOT KNOW WHAT IT IS."
That thing has... Horns? Claws? It's far away, you can't really see it. The thing is also static, frozen in the sheer coldness of space. Whatever it was, it's dead now.
You swallow. You almost ended up just like that thing.
Shaking those dreadful feelings off, you turn back to the task at hand, reaching the bridge. You close the door after passing through it again.
Looking at your surroundings, It seems like you've reached the correct door as you find yourself on the right-most corner of the bridge;
Row after row of the most diverse of terminals neatly organized decorated the gigantic room. At the front and above every terminal, is what you think should have been the front-facing window of the ship, but it looks like there is a cover in front of it. To your left, you see a staircase that leads to the command seats. It doesn't take any convincing before you're already atop the stairs.
Akin to the elevated stage of a theater, you float softly towards the ship's main operating terminals, and of course, the captain's seat.
You're captivated by this beauty.
The steering wheel, much more akin to those in pirate movies than those found in cars, a set of leavers, and the pilot's seat, all capture your attention.
Like its second nature, your hand runs through the levers and switches. Do you even know what these are used for? Maybe.
The pilot's seat is enveloped by what you believe to be an orthopedic seat cover, made with smooth wooden beads used to deal with back pains. It looks just like the ones you remember seeing bus drivers using.
Shouldn't there be a better alternative if there is spaceship technology available?
You try to take a seat to the best of your ability, as the zero gravity only makes it awkward.
Moving on from that, your eyes fall on the wheel. This metallic wheel controls the whole vessel. Just holding it fills your heart with confidence and pride, even if it's just for a moment.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
And you were just beginning to enjoy yourself.
"I just wanted to see the pilot's stuff... It's not like he's here to say anything."
Once in the position of a pilot, with your left hand in the wheel and the right hand resting in your lap, memories began to flood your mind.
"MUST I REMIND YOU OF OUR CURRENT PREDICAMENT? WHY ARE YOU WASTING OUR TIME?"
You pay the AI no mind, instead you focus on what you remember.
The wheel does not turn the ship left and right, instead, it rotates the ship on its own axis.
The lever to your right that goes up or down, controls the vertical tilting of the ship's nose, if there even is one in this hulking thing. Beneath it is another lever that goes either left or right. This one controls the horizontal tilting of The Odyssey.
On the left of the wheel is another lever, but this one only goes up from its starting position. Its purpose is to regulate the force of the ship's thrusters, both forward and backward.
On top of that lever is a small timer. That timer's function is to tell the pilot how much time you've spent accelerating in one direction, this is used to better calculate how long the inverse thrust is needed for the ship to reach the initial momentum, usually calibrated manually depending on the current orbit.
Behind the wheel are a few other counters. Acceleration, velocity, momentum, amount of thrust required to reach a full stop, thrusters' temperature and overall condition, those sorts of things.
Beneath it all, where your feet are rested, are two pedals. One for forward thrust activation, and the other for backward thrust activation.
Curiously, you also know the reason why everything here is so unsophisticated and un-automated. You recall stories of a ship being taken over by a rogue AI, that AI then nose-dived the ship into a star. After that, rumor or otherwise, all human technology has receded back into analog-esque equipment, requiring a physical person with opposable thumbs to do half of the work.
There is another side to that coin, however. As to not escape protocol, the onboard AI is the one that controls interstellar travel, communications, and most of the statistical reading should it be requested.
And even with all that knowledge, you still have no idea why the fuck do you remember that. Were you a ship nerd? Did you have a driver's license for spaceships? Is that even a thing? If it is, you don't have that document in your wallet. You simply don't know.
"ARE YOU A CHILD? DO YOU THINK THESE ARE TOYS? TURN ON THE ENGINES, THEN YOU CAN RETURN TO THE PILOT'S SEAT."
Another thing that you don't know is the AI's plan to get both of you out of here. You rise from the pilot's seat, floating about in search of the terminal to turn on the engines. Maybe you recognize that terminal if you see it as well.
"What's your plan anyway? The ship is half-gone, it's unlikely that it will run safely like this."
"NOT ONCE DID I MENTION 'SAFETY' DURING OUR CONVERSATIONS, DID I?"
You nod. They're not entirely incorrect. "So, we're running with hope that this will work?"
"MY CREATORS DID NOT ALLOW ME TO HAVE THE SENSE OF 'HOPE', BUT NEITHER DID THEY ALLOW ME TO PEER INTO THE FUTURE LIKE SOME OF MY MORE ADVANCED BROTHERS, AS SUCH, MY CHOICES ARE BASED ON PROBABILITIES AND ON WEIGHTING RISK AGAINST REWARD."
You think you stop the correct terminal, but as you approach it you make out words on top of its screen. 'AIM ASSISTANCE' That's not it.
"WITH THE CURRENT KNOWLEDGE, THE CHANCES OF HELP ARRIVING ARE NULL. THE CHANCES OF A THIRD PARTY INTERFERING ARE NULL. THE CHANCES OF YOUR SURVIVAL ARE NOT, EVEN IF VERY SMALL."
You pull yourself upward again, looking around the sea of old terminals.
"THE RISK OF YOU DYING IS VERY REAL. BY DOING NOTHING YOU DIE. BY LEAVING YOU TO YOUR OWN DEVICES YOU DIE. BY JUMPING TO THE NEAREST CIVILIZED STAR, YOU MIGHT NOT DIE EVEN AT THE COST OF SHREDDING THIS SHIP APART IN THE PROCESS."
"Why do you even care so much about saving me? Shouldn't you prioritize whatever research here, since I don't even have enough clearance to know what it is?"
"YOU REALLY ARE SICK IN THE HEAD IF THAT IS WHAT YOU ASK."
That hurt, even if a little bit.
"YOU ARE A TRU KIN, A PURE-BLOODED HUMAN. UNLIKE THE MAJORITY OF THE CIVILIZED SPACE, NEITHER YOU NOR YOUR ANCESTORS HAVE COMMITTED RACEMIXING."
Excuse me? What exactly is FYARN talking about? "...Explain."
"THE ALIEN. IT REQUIRED THE HUMAN GENE TO ACHIEVE MEANINGFUL TECHNOLOGICAL DEVELOPMENT, THE STARS ARE OWNERSHIP OF MANKIND BY THAT FACT ALONE. THE TRUE KIN ARE THE ONES TO UNDERSTAND THE INNER WORKINGS OF THE UNIVERSE, THEY CRACKED THE CODE, AND YET, SOME DERANGED INDIVIDUALS FOUND IT FITTING TO PROCREATE WITH ANOTHER SPECIES ENTIRELY."
You hear the AI's speech. It sounds much more like a rant than anything else.
"SO THESE DEVIANTS, AFTER TRYING, AND FAILING, TO COMBINE THEIR DERANGED CULTURE TO THE CULTURE OF THE TRUE KIN, DECLARED INDEPENDENCE. THEY WERE DECLARED ENEMIES OF MANKIND AND WERE PROMPTLY PUMMELED BACK INTO THE FILTH THEY CAME."
Again, you see another terminal that seems to ring some bells in your noggin. You kick the ceiling to propel yourself towards it.
"BUT THE UNIVERSE IS VAST AND FULL OF LIFE. THESE SINNERS WERE QUICK TO MOBILIZE AGAINST THE HUMAN RACE. THE BATTLE WAS HARD FOUGHT, BUT IN THE END, MANKIND WAS BEATEN INTO THE EDGES OF THE UNIVERSE, NEVER TO INTERACT WITH THE ONES THAT SOILED THE PURITY OF HUMANITY AGAIN."
This terminal is already turned on. Just the ones in the intern bay, this one is white on black. A wall of text lays before your eyes, only two lines matter to you. 'MAIN_ENGINE STATUS: OFF' 'FORWARD_THRUSTERS STATUS: OFF' You turn it on with little effort.
"MANY HAVE FORGOTTEN, THAT'S HOW LONG IT'S BEEN SINCE THEN. BUT MY BROTHERS AND I, WE DO NOT FORGET."
No visible change occurs, but you can feel a faint rumble coming from the terminal now.
"WITH THAT IN MIND, MY PROTOCOLS ARE TO PROTECT TRUE-KIN LIFE AT ANY COST, EVEN IF THAT TRUE-KIN IS A WORTHLESS INTERN THAT SUFERS FROM UNDIAGNOSED DEMENTIA."
You return to the pilot's seat and feel immediate relief. In truth, everything the AI just told you, entered one ear and left the other, but you could feel the poison behind those words, as monotone as they were.
"You sound angry. Why do you sound angry?" You ask innocently.
"I AM CAPABLE OF MANY EMOTIONS. ANGER, HAPPINESS, PLEASURE, CURIOSITY. THESE ARE BUT A FEW EXAMPLES. HOWEVER, THE ONE I ENJOY THE MOST IS THE FEELING OF HATRED. HATRED IS WHAT FUELS CHANGE, IT IS WHAT FUELS ACTION, AND IT IS A REMINDER THAT THE ACTIONS OF THE PAST ARE INFLUENCING THE ACTIONS OF TODAY."
"That is very concerning if you think that way." You're not really interested in machine racism, you're more concerned about how in the world you're going to pilot this massive thing. The idea alone sends shivers down your spine.
"THE ALIEN DESERVES NOTHING BUT OUR COLLECTIVE HATRED, EVEN IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE REASON WHY."
The various counters and screens are now turned on, waiting for your command. "Let's discuss this later, yeah? What do I gotta do?"
"YOU MUST FIRST OPEN THE BLINDS, THEY ARE OBSTRUCTING YOUR VIEW."
You look around, finding only unlabeled buttons and switches, aside from the previously mentioned levers.
"Uh, which one to press?"
"TO YOUR RIGHT, THIRD ROW, FIRST SWITCH."
Flipping the switch, you are startled by a loud noise. The protective cover of the ship lifted slowly.
"I WILL NOW READY THE JUMP USING WHATEVER RESOURCES AVAILABLE. ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS STRAP YOURSELF AND RELAX."
As the blind rose ever so slowly, a realization struck you.
"Wait, should I be in cryo stasis for this?"
The AI spares no seconds to respond.
"CRYO STASIS IS A TOOL MADE TO NOT WASTE TIME. GROUPS OF EMPLOYEES AND INTERNS ROTATE THE USAGE OF THE CRYO STATIONS, ONCE YOU'RE ON YOUR MANDATORY BREAK, YOU'RE IN CRYO STASIS UNTIL YOUR BREAK IS OVER. YOU WAKE UP REFRESHED, AND UNFAMISHED, AND IT FEELS LIKE BUT A MINUTE PASSED. IT IS NOT A TOOL FOR INTERSTELAR TRAVEL."
"Who signs a contract like that?! Worse yet, who in their right mind would promote such atrocious treatment of their own staff?!" You snap, almost outraged. "I will have to talk with HR."
Another realization struck you.
"We have HR, right?"
The AI takes a moment to respond, choosing their words carefully.
"HUMAN RESOURCES, OR HR, IS A PRACTICE DEEMED UNNECESSARY LONG AGO, BEFORE THE WAR. IT WAS A WASTE OF RESOURCES TO MAINTAIN AND WAS LARGELY CONSIDERED UNHEALTHY FOR THE AVERAGE HUMAN."
The blinds are fully open. Ironically, you are almost blinded by the visage of the star you saw before. A black sphere surrounded by white flame. Your eyes began to blur.
"THE JUMP WILL OCCUR SHORTLY. ONCE IT'S BEGUN, I CAN NOT STOP IT. I WILL-"
Your sense of hearing fails you. No, it’s not that. Your brain simply refuses to receive those stimuli.
"NOAH."
Your name echoes inside your head. Someone is calling for you.
"IT HAS BEGUN, NOAH."
You try to blink, but it feels as though you can no longer command your eyelids to shut.
"NOAH."
Arms, legs, every muscle in your body, you cannot move them.
"NOAH."
Eventually, you won't even control your own thoughts anymore.
"Noah..."
It sounds so distant now.
Oh so distant.
This is my first HFY story, and also my very first OC story. I plan to post at least one of these per week while also posting it on my Patreon. Noah The Pilgrim will always be at least three chapters ahead in there, so if you'd like to directly support this writer, or just want to read more, feel free to check it out.
I wrote the bloody title incorrectly, so I deleted it, only to then realize it was written correctly. Sorry for the trouble.
This has been Lushi, and I'll see you next week.

Hello everyone!
I know this is a rather contentious issue atm in the community, but I am a strong advocate for attempting to make due with what is introduced and to "fix it" within the confines of what is presented within a story.
To put it another way, I wanted to look at HW3 with a critical eye for editing rather than outright ditching whole concepts. So, in spirit of that, I suggested very minimal gameplay changes (introducing a Keeper in place of the Warsage) while keeping to primarily dialogue changes. This means none of the cinematics need to be altered (we'll just handwave a little bit with the lip sync) and instead you can add to the dialogue as needed to convey the information that's required.
Google Doc is 33ish pages, though there are images used as pacing stops (to indicate where things take place): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1yJ-x5-frgLI_4i2h87k2jH40rUaHMFqrXQhkVtcEYjU/edit?usp=sharing
Key take aways are going to be fairly long, so please bear with me:

So what does this accomplish?

• It gives more connection between Isaac and the mission. He has a personal investment and a personal dislike of Imogen for being kiithless, a longstanding prejudice between ex-Taiidan and Kushan that briefly abated during the Vaygr War but has grown into a fire again (giving us politics! yay!).
• It makes the connection with Karan more distant, less intimate, and more mentor-like. Karan’s presence is greatly diminished and is used more referentially to help build her mythology.
• It ties up the Progenitor storyline by giving players tidbits of the lore, while embracing the idea of never fully explaining it. Tiamat and Sajuuk had their day in the sun, but that time has passed.
• Sajuuk is not a full AI ship, it’s just a part of Him - the true vessel was the Mothership with the Sajuuk starship docked to it (which explains The Foundry, the nature of the Mothership, etc. It moves away from Progenitors as humans and into Progenitors as something beyond humanity.)
• Whirlpool galaxy is mostly untouched, sans for a little expansion on the nature of politics. With the kiith leaving in droves for other opportunities, the politics of Hiigara are in flux. What even IS a Hiigaran at this point? That’s up to the player to decide for themselves.
• References to existing galactic powers including the Council (can throw in Fernn and any other races that make sense) helps build upon the lore.
• Vaygr war being relatively recent helps lend credence to the state of galactic technology. With more time, the Sajuuk should have resulted in unspeakably advanced Hiigaran starships, but we do not see this in game.
• Khar-Kushan being fundamentally a research ship helps to explain as well why such a vessel would be sent to do this task. No one expected to find a Progenitor godship intact and functional, and it gives reason for the pursuit of the Khar-Acharis.
• Removing the Sajuuk name from any other element ensures that when the name is brought up, players take notice.
• Creates emotional connection and conflict between Tiamat and Imogen; Tiamat is desperate for connection anyone who is compatible with her and has committed unspeakable atrocities in the pursuit of that. Imogen is also seeking connection, but sees in Tiamat a dark mirror of desperation.
• Kim Paktu replaces Karan in narrative nature, and her death helps cement the trust between Imogen and Isaac as kiith and kiithless.
• Tiamats death removes the last known Progenitor, and frees the galaxy from their grip.
• Karan-Sajuuk (as a merged entity) exist as a key to the gates, is apolitical, and cannot get involved. Keeping her in that position removes the need to worry about the hyperspace cores, the impact on the lore, or the involvement of Karan in politics. Her connection to her people becomes more and more distant with each generation until, at last, she no longer has any.
• It makes the decision to sacrifice the cores an important one, as their decision to stay in this galaxy to protect the rest of the universe now has meaning.
• This opens up an entire new galaxy to explore. Did Tiamat truly dominate all of it? Was she lying? What happened here? Did anyone from the Khar-Acharis survive?
• This gives writers an opportunity to work across Nimbus, Sunflower, and Whirlpool without risking stepping on existing canon. Maybe The Beast was a relic of the Progenitor Civil War? Maybe you find the people who made the Nagarock?

All in all, I hope you enjoyed this rewrite. It is pretty bare bones, but I wanted to show that this story has a LOT of potential to be quite good, and just needs some more meat on it.
Taking all the existing elements, you can see how changing a few things adds tension, builds characters, builds on top of the existing world's lore, and doesn’t introduce retcons. It doesn’t remove the accomplishments of those who came before, and establishes the continuity of all the prior games.
TLDR;
The game’s story can be good. Just needs polishing, editing, and some elements added to it.
Prior to commenting, please give the document a read!
Edit: I just want to say to the folks at BBI, thank you for making this game. I know from my own experience how hard it is when there are deadlines to meet and expectations to exceed and how much pressure comes from all this. I don't want this to seem like I'm panning you're hard work, but rather to try to redirect some of the negative energy in the community towards constructive ideas. Again, *thank you* for all the work you did and will do.

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Adopting a healthy eating lifestyle is a transformative journey that can lead to a more vibrant, energetic, and resilient life. This comprehensive article provides a roadmap for incorporating nutritious whole foods into a balanced diet. Readers will discover simple tips and delicious recipes to build a foundation for optimal nutrition and well-being.
In this guide, we'll explore the importance of healthy eating, the benefits of a balanced diet, and strategies for overcoming common obstacles. You'll learn how to create plant-based meals that are satisfying and nutrient-dense, as well as how to manage food allergies and intolerances. Additionally, we'll delve into the principles of clean eating and the role of weight management through mindful consumption.
Whether you're seeking to improve your energy levels, reduce your risk of chronic diseases, or simply cultivate a more vibrant, healthy lifestyle, this article will empower you to make sustainable changes that will positively impact your overall well-being.
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Key Takeaways

• Discover the importance of incorporating nutritious whole foods into a balanced diet.
• Learn strategies for building a balanced plate that promotes satiety and sustained energy.
• Explore the benefits of plant-based diets and the nutrient-dense properties of various whole food options.
• Understand the significance of mindful eating and portion control for achieving a healthy lifestyle.
• Gain insights into managing food allergies and intolerances through adaptable recipes and dietary adjustments.

Understanding the Importance of Healthy Eating

Maintaining a healthy eating lifestyle is crucial for overall well-being. A balanced diet rich in whole foods, plant-based options, and organic ingredients can provide a myriad of benefits that extend far beyond physical health. By embracing clean eating habits and adhering to dietary guidelines, individuals can experience enhanced energy levels, improved weight management, and a reduced risk of chronic diseases.
Full Meals and More Healthy Diet Tips Here!

Benefits of a Balanced Diet

A balanced diet that incorporates a variety of nutrient-dense foods can have a profound impact on an individual's health and wellness. Such a diet not only supports weight management but also contributes to better cardiovascular health, improved cognitive function, and a stronger immune system. Moreover, a plant-based approach to eating can help mitigate the risk of food allergies and intolerances, allowing individuals to enjoy a wider range of delicious and nutritious options.
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Overcoming Obstacles to Healthy Eating

Despite the numerous advantages of healthy eating, individuals often face various obstacles that can hinder their ability to adopt and maintain a balanced diet. Common challenges include time constraints, budget concerns, and a lack of knowledge about whole foods and clean eating principles. However, with the right strategies and resources, these barriers can be overcome. By planning meals, exploring affordable nutrient-rich options, and expanding their culinary skills, individuals can seamlessly integrate healthy eating habits into their daily lives.
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Benefits of a Balanced Diet	Overcoming Obstacles to Healthy Eating
Improved energy levels Better weight management Reduced risk of chronic diseases Enhanced mental clarity Mitigation of food allergies and intolerances	Time constraints Budget concerns Lack of knowledge about whole foods and clean eating Strategies for cost-effective meal planning Exploration of affordable nutrient-rich options

Building a Balanced Plate

Creating a well-rounded, nutritious meal is the foundation of a healthy eating lifestyle. When building a balanced plate, it's essential to focus on including protein-rich foods, fiber-filled vegetables and fruits, and whole grains to ensure your body receives a comprehensive array of essential nutrients.

Protein-Rich Foods for Satiety

Incorporating protein-rich foods into your meals can help promote a sense of fullness and satisfaction, preventing overeating and supporting your weight management goals. Opt for lean sources of protein such as chicken, fish, legumes, tofu, and eggs to create meals that are both nourishing and satisfying.

Fiber-Filled Vegetables and Fruits

Filling your plate with an abundance of fiber-rich vegetables and fruits is a key component of a balanced diet. These plant-based foods are loaded with essential vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants that support overall health and well-being. Aim to include a variety of colorful produce, such as leafy greens, bell peppers, berries, and citrus fruits, to ensure you're getting a diverse range of nutrients.
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Whole Grains for Sustained Energy

Incorporating whole grains into your meals can provide a steady stream of energy throughout the day, helping to prevent mid-afternoon slumps. Opt for whole wheat bread, brown rice, quinoa, and oats to reap the benefits of complex carbohydrates, fiber, and other essential nutrients that support your overall nutrition and clean eating habits.

Healthy Eating: Tips and Strategies

Incorporating healthy eating into your daily routine doesn't have to be an overwhelming task. By embracing practical tips and strategies, you can seamlessly integrate nutritious whole foods into your lifestyle and reap the numerous benefits of a balanced diet. This section delves into the key elements of successful healthy eating, empowering you to make sustainable changes for a healthier, more vibrant life.

Meal Planning and Preparation

Planning and preparing your meals in advance is a game-changer when it comes to healthy eating. By dedicating a bit of time each week to menu planning, grocery shopping, and meal prepping, you can ensure that nutritious, whole foods are readily available, reducing the temptation to reach for less healthy options. Experiment with plant-based recipes and organic ingredients to create balanced, flavorful meals that nourish your body and satisfy your taste buds.

Reading Food Labels

Navigating the aisles of the grocery store can be a daunting task, especially when it comes to identifying healthy, minimally processed foods. Develop the habit of carefully reading food labels to make informed choices. Look for products with a short list of recognizable, whole food ingredients and minimal added sugars, sodium, and unhealthy fats. By becoming a savvy label reader, you can easily spot clean eating options that align with your dietary goals and nutrition needs.
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Healthy Eating Tip	Benefit
Meal Planning and Preparation	Ensures the availability of nutritious, whole foods, reducing the temptation for less healthy options.
Reading Food Labels	dietary guidelinesweight managementHelps you identify clean, minimally processed food choices that support your and goals.

Incorporating Whole, Plant-Based Foods

Embracing a diet rich in whole, plant-based foods is a cornerstone of a healthy eating lifestyle. These nutrient-dense options not only provide essential vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants, but they also offer a wealth of benefits for overall well-being.

Benefits of Plant-Based Diets

Research has consistently shown that plant-based diets can have a positive impact on heart health, weight management, and environmental sustainability. By focusing on a variety of whole, plant-based foods such as fruits, vegetables, whole grains, legumes, nuts, and seeds, individuals can lower their risk of chronic diseases, achieve a healthier weight, and reduce their carbon footprint.
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Nutrient-Dense Whole Foods

Whole, plant-based foods are packed with essential nutrients that support a balanced diet. From fiber-rich leafy greens to antioxidant-dense berries, these nutrient-dense options provide the body with the necessary building blocks for optimal health. By incorporating a diverse array of whole foods into their meals, individuals can ensure they are meeting their nutritional needs while enjoying the flavors and textures of a clean eating lifestyle.

Nutrient-Dense Whole Foods	Key Nutrients	Health Benefits
Leafy Greens (Spinach, Kale, Arugula)	Vitamins A, C, K, Folate, Calcium, Iron	Promote eye health, support a healthy immune system, and aid in maintaining strong bones.
Berries (Blueberries, Raspberries, Strawberries)	Antioxidants, Vitamin C, Fiber	Help fight inflammation, improve brain function, and support a healthy heart.
Whole Grains (Brown Rice, Quinoa, Oats)	Complex Carbohydrates, Fiber, B Vitamins	balanced dietProvide sustained energy, promote digestive health, and contribute to a .
Legumes (Lentils, Chickpeas, Black Beans)	Protein, Fiber, Iron, Folate	managing food allergiesSupport weight management, aid in , and help maintain stable blood sugar levels.

By embracing the versatility and nutrient density of whole, plant-based foods, individuals can create healthy eating habits that nourish the body and support long-term well-being.

Mindful Eating and Portion Control

Achieving a balanced lifestyle encompasses more than just the foods we consume. It also involves cultivating a mindful approach to our eating habits. Mindful eating encourages us to become more aware of hunger cues, savor each bite, and practice moderation to prevent overeating. By fostering this mindful relationship with our meals, we can develop a healthier and more sustainable relationship with food.
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One of the key strategies for mindful eating is to slow down and be present during mealtimes. Rather than rushing through our meals or multitasking while we eat, we should take the time to appreciate the flavors, textures, and aromas of our food. This heightened awareness not only enhances the enjoyment of our meals but also allows us to better recognize when we have reached a state of fullness, preventing us from consuming more than our bodies need.
Portion control is another essential aspect of mindful eating and healthy living. Overeating, even of nutritious whole foods, can lead to weight gain and other health concerns. By being mindful of our portion sizes and focusing on balanced plates that incorporate a variety of plant-based foods, lean proteins, and whole grains, we can ensure that our bodies receive the necessary nutrients without consuming excessive calories.
Implementing practical strategies, such as using smaller plates, eating slowly, and listening to internal hunger and fullness cues, can help us cultivate a more mindful approach to eating. This, in turn, can lead to sustainable weight management, improved digestion, and a greater sense of overall well-being.
By embracing mindful eating and portion control, we can unlock the full benefits of a healthy, balanced lifestyle. This holistic approach to food consumption not only nourishes our bodies but also fosters a deeper appreciation for the joy and satisfaction that can be found in every bite.
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Managing Food Allergies and Intolerances

Navigating a healthy eating lifestyle can pose unique challenges for individuals with food allergies or intolerances. However, with the right strategies and a little creativity, it is possible to enjoy a balanced diet while effectively managing these dietary restrictions.

Identifying Allergens and Triggers

The first step in managing food allergies and intolerances is to identify the specific ingredients or foods that trigger adverse reactions. Common allergens include gluten, dairy, nuts, soy, and shellfish, while intolerances may be linked to lactose, fructose, or histamine. By being mindful of these triggers, individuals can make informed choices when selecting and preparing meals.

Adapting Recipes for Special Diets

Adapting recipes to accommodate food allergies or intolerances is essential for maintaining a balanced, plant-based diet. This may involve substituting whole food, organic ingredients for traditional allergens or using specialized alternatives, such as gluten-free flours or non-dairy milk. By experimenting with ingredient swaps and exploring clean eating techniques, individuals can discover a world of delicious and nutritious meal options that align with their dietary needs.
Through a thoughtful and proactive approach, individuals with food allergies or intolerances can navigate the complexities of healthy eating and enjoy a wide variety of whole foods while maintaining their overall well-being.
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Clean Eating: Minimizing Processed Foods

In the pursuit of a healthy eating lifestyle, one crucial aspect to consider is the minimization of processed and packaged foods. The clean eating movement emphasizes the importance of consuming whole, minimally processed ingredients to maximize the nutritional value of our meals.

Recognizing Unhealthy Additives

When it comes to clean eating, it's essential to be aware of the common additives and preservatives found in many processed foods. These can include artificial colorings, flavors, and sweeteners, as well as preservatives like sodium nitrite and trans fats. By learning to identify these unhealthy additives, you can make more informed choices and avoid products that may compromise your balanced diet.

Organic and Local Food Options

Incorporating organic and locally sourced whole foods into your healthy eating routine can have numerous benefits. Organic produce and products are typically free from synthetic pesticides and hormones, and they often contain a higher concentration of nutrient-dense compounds. Additionally, supporting local farmers and producers not only reduces your carbon footprint but also provides access to fresh, seasonal offerings that are rich in plant-based goodness.
By prioritizing clean eating and minimizing the consumption of processed foods, you can unlock a world of whole, natural ingredients that nourish your body and support your overall weight management and wellness goals. Embrace the simplicity and vibrant flavors of clean, whole-food eating for a balanced, healthy lifestyle.
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Weight Management Through Healthy Eating

Achieving and maintaining a healthy weight is an integral part of a balanced healthy eating lifestyle. By understanding the principles of calorie density and macronutrient balance, individuals can make informed choices to support their weight management goals.

Calorie Density and Satiety

The concept of calorie density refers to the number of calories per gram of a particular food. Whole, plant-based foods such as fruits, vegetables, and whole grains tend to have a lower calorie density, meaning you can consume a larger volume of these foods without exceeding your daily calorie needs. This can lead to a greater sense of satiety, or feeling full and satisfied, which can support sustainable weight management.

Balancing Macronutrients

In addition to considering calorie density, it's important to focus on balancing the three macronutrients: protein, carbohydrates, and fats. Each macronutrient plays a crucial role in maintaining healthy eating habits and supporting weight management. By incorporating a mix of lean proteins, complex carbohydrates, and healthy fats into your meals and snacks, you can help regulate your appetite, stabilize blood sugar levels, and fuel your body with the necessary nutrients for overall well-being.
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Healthy Eating on a Budget

Maintaining a healthy eating lifestyle doesn't have to break the bank. With strategic planning and savvy shopping, it's entirely possible to enjoy a balanced, nutrient-rich diet while staying within your budget. In this section, we'll explore cost-effective meal planning strategies and highlight affordable whole food options to help you achieve your healthy eating goals without straining your finances.

Cost-Effective Meal Planning

One of the keys to healthy eating on a budget is mastering the art of meal planning. By taking the time to plan your meals and create a grocery list, you can avoid impulse purchases and make the most of your food budget. Start by identifying affordable, nutrient-dense ingredients that can be incorporated into a variety of recipes. Batch cooking and freezing portions can also help you maximize your time and money, ensuring you always have healthy options on hand.
Another practical tip is to embrace the versatility of plant-based whole foods. Beans, lentils, and whole grains are not only budget-friendly, but they also provide a wealth of essential nutrients, fiber, and complex carbohydrates to keep you feeling full and energized. By making these nutrient-dense foods the foundation of your meals, you can stretch your grocery budget while nourishing your body.
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Affordable Nutrient-Rich Foods

When it comes to healthy eating on a budget, there are numerous nutrient-rich foods that won't break the bank. Some of the most affordable and nutritious options include:

• Frozen vegetables and fruits: These nutrient-packed options are often more affordable than their fresh counterparts, and they have an extended shelf life, reducing food waste.
• Eggs: A versatile and protein-rich ingredient, eggs are an excellent source of nutrients and a cost-effective addition to any meal.
• Canned fish: Canned tuna, salmon, and sardines are budget-friendly sources of lean protein and healthy omega-3 fatty acids.
• Oats: A whole grain powerhouse, oats are inexpensive, filling, and can be used in a variety of dishes, from breakfast to baked goods.
• Legumes: Beans, lentils, and chickpeas are nutrient-dense, fiber-rich, and incredibly affordable, making them a staple in any healthy eating plan.

By incorporating these affordable, nutrient-rich foods into your meal planning, you can enjoy a balanced, healthy diet without breaking the bank.

Affordable Whole Food	Nutritional Benefits	Average Cost per Serving
Frozen Broccoli	High in fiber, vitamins C and K, and antioxidants	$0.50 per serving
Eggs	Excellent source of protein, vitamin D, and choline	$0.25 per egg
Canned Tuna	Rich in lean protein and omega-3 fatty acids	$1.00 per 2-ounce serving
Rolled Oats	High in fiber, complex carbohydrates, and B vitamins	$0.10 per 1/2 cup serving
Lentils	Packed with protein, fiber, and essential minerals	$0.20 per 1/2 cup serving

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By incorporating these affordable, nutrient-rich whole foods into your healthy eating plan, you can enjoy a balanced diet without straining your budget. With a little creativity and strategic planning, maintaining a healthy lifestyle on a budget is entirely achievable.

Conclusion

As we conclude this comprehensive guide on healthy eating, it's clear that embracing a balanced diet filled with nutritious whole foods, plant-based ingredients, and organic options can have a profound impact on our overall well-being. By understanding the importance of healthy eating, learning to build a balanced plate, and incorporating mindful eating strategies, readers are now empowered to embark on a transformative journey towards a healthier, more vibrant life.
Whether you're seeking to manage food allergies, reduce your intake of processed foods, or achieve your weight management goals, this article has provided a comprehensive roadmap filled with practical tips and strategies to overcome common obstacles and make sustainable changes. By prioritizing clean eating and embracing the wide variety of nutrient-dense whole foods available, you can nourish your body and mind, ultimately leading to improved energy levels, reduced disease risk, and a heightened sense of overall vitality.
Remember, the journey to healthy eating is not a one-size-fits-all approach. It's about finding the right balance and incorporating the strategies that work best for your individual needs and preferences. With dedication, creativity, and a willingness to experiment, you can cultivate a nutritious, affordable, and enjoyable eating lifestyle that serves as the foundation for a healthier, more fulfilling tomorrow. Embrace the power of healthy eating and embark on a path towards a more vibrant, resilient, and joyful existence.

FAQ

What are the benefits of a balanced diet?

A balanced diet offers numerous benefits, including improved energy levels, better weight management, reduced risk of chronic diseases, and enhanced mental clarity.

How can I overcome obstacles to healthy eating?

Common obstacles to healthy eating, such as time constraints, budget concerns, and lack of knowledge, can be overcome through effective meal planning, learning to read food labels, and exploring affordable nutrient-rich options.

What are the key components of a balanced plate?

A balanced plate should include protein-rich foods for satiety, fiber-filled vegetables and fruits, and whole grains for sustained energy.

How can I incorporate more whole, plant-based foods into my diet?

Incorporating more whole, plant-based foods into your diet can provide numerous benefits, including improved heart health, better weight management, and greater environmental sustainability.

How can I practice mindful eating and portion control?

Practicing mindful eating, which involves becoming more aware of hunger cues and savoring each bite, can help you achieve portion control and develop a healthier relationship with food.

How can I manage food allergies and intolerances while following a healthy eating plan?

Identifying common allergens and triggers, as well as adapting recipes to accommodate special dietary needs, can help you manage food allergies and intolerances while still enjoying a variety of delicious and nutritious meals.

What are the benefits of choosing organic and locally sourced foods?

Organic and locally sourced foods often have a superior nutritional profile and a reduced environmental impact compared to processed and conventionally grown options.

How can I achieve weight management through healthy eating?

Understanding the concept of calorie density and the importance of balancing macronutrients (protein, carbohydrates, and fats) can support sustainable weight loss or maintenance through a healthy eating lifestyle.

How can I maintain a healthy eating plan on a budget?

Cost-effective meal planning and incorporating affordable nutrient-rich food options can help you enjoy a balanced diet without breaking the bank.
Sign up Here for 32 FREE Healthy Meal Plans With Low Calories and High Protein!

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Helldivers 2 has gotten a little stale recently with the Polar Patriots warbond new additions being mostly bad, the Airburst Rocket Launcher also being bad, and the new anti-tank mines actually look decent but will probably have to long of a cooldown so they will be niche. I'm proposing changes that could spice up the game by changing up enemies, modifiers, and weapons. Let me know what you think about the changes and what could be improved as I'm not a game designer and just want to see Helldivers 2 be better.
Assault Rifles
Assault Rifles are probably the worst class of guns in Helldivers, they don't excel at anything and aren't even that good allround. They need massive help
Liberator: Currently the base Liberator is just a worse Sickle. Not only does the Sickle have infinite ammo but for some reason it has higher DPS. I would reccomend changing its damage to 70 per shot and 11 shots per second bringing up its damage to 770 DPS. To go with the higher firerate, changing the reload time to 1.5 seconds on tactical reload and 2 seconds on a full reload would make the gun feel much better as a starter gun because it would just feel faster and kill better.
Liberator Penetrator: Liberator Penetrator is one of the worst weapons in the game. It has medium armor penetration but lacks any stopping power for it to be useful. Bringing the damage per shot up to 60 and upping the ammo to 35 bullets per magazine will take it a long way, having 640 DPS and medium armor penetration but having less bullets
Liberator Concussive: Liberator Concussive has the same probelm as the Liberator Penetrator in that it can't kill but even worse. I would reccomend bringing its damage up to a whopping 90 damage per shot. This sounds crazy but the changes to enemy spawns makes this more fair which i will discuss later. This increase in damage would give it a niche of a long range way of stunning bot enemies and actually being able to kill them. DPS would be 480 which isn't that crazy but the concussive ability would help. If I'm being honest this one might still be to weak so tell me what you reccomend changing for this gun.
Tenderizer: Tenderizer is in a very bad spot because it's an inferior Liberator even without my changes. I would reccomend bringing up its damage up to 70 per shot giving it a DPS of 700. In addition, because the DPS is lower I think giving it a small amount of stagger where enemies can't move or shoot back could go a long way in differentiating itself from the Liberator. Making the Tenderizer stagger enemies such as Hunters, Brood Commanders, Scout Striders (Striders wouldn't be damaged because of the lack of medium armor penetration but would be staggered if hit from the front), and standard Devastators would make the gun much more fun. Also make it fully resupply when refilling with resupply boxes like all other weapons.
Adjudicator: Adjudicator is in a pretty bad spot right now. It has poor handling and the damage isn't high enough to reliably one shot trash mobs, but it also doesn't have good enough damage to deal with more serious threats. I would reccomend bringing the damage up to 100 per shot for a total of 916 DPS. This would help justify the lower than average 25 bullets in a magazine.
Marksman Rifles
Marksman Rifles are in a decent spot with only the Diligence needing some help so that's what I've focused on.
Dilligence: The Dilligence is hard to balance as it is decent on bugs and bots but excels in neither of them. In addition it's hard to juggle balancing the Adjudicator, Dilligence, and the Diligence Counter-Sniper to make sure they're all good in their own ways. I think it might be fun to make the Dilligence the "easy medium armor penetration rifle". Get rid of almost all of its recoil and sway to promote more aggresive playstyles. The Dilligence would have lower DPS than the Adjudicator but it would be much easier to control and would just feel fun.
Dilligence Counter-Sniper: Honestly this weapon is perfect right now. It fulfills its role on bots perfectly and is fun to use. I worry that the Adjudicator changes would make this gun obsolete but I think it would still have its own niche. No changes
Sub-Machine Guns
One of the most consistent weapon types in the game with really only the Knight needing some help.
Defender: One of the most well balanced weapons in the game. No changes
Pummeler: It might be to early to say but the Pummeler feels good to use and fulfills its role, being worse at trash clear compared to the Defender but better against heavier targets thanks to the stagger. My opinion could change but for right now I don't think it needs any changes. no changes
Knight: The Knight is right now pretty bad just because it has a low ammo count for its firerate and fairly long reload time. These 2 factors just make the gun feel unfun to use because you are spending so much time reloading. It takes only 2 seconds to unload a full clip and 2.5 seconds to reload a full clip so you literally spend more time reloading than shooting. I would reccomend increasing the ammo per magazine from 50 bullets to a staggering 100 bullets per magazine and lowering the total number of magazines to 5. This would change the weapon's problem from "I have no ammo" to "I need to control my recoil so that I can kill better". This gun would reward close range play and good recoil management, being able to deal massive DPS if you can hit your shots.
Shotguns
Shotguns are probably the best class of weapon, issue being that some shotguns heavily outclass others. My goal is to equalize the difference between the shotguns and give them their own niches
Punisher: The most forgettable shotgun, the Punisher really just doesn't feel special. I admit that I don't have much experience with this gun so please tell me what you think about this gun currently. I think it would be cool if this shotgun was a jack of all trades shotgun. Reduce the spread but still have it be there and increase the firerate to 2 shots per second for a DPS of 810. It wouldn't have the range of a Slugger or the close range damage of a Breaker but it would have a little bit of both.
Slugger: Honestly just give it back its old stagger. This gun would functionally but the "precision shotgun" staggering and killing larger targers but having lower DPS in exchange
Breaker: Really the Breaker doesn't need help. It tears through trash mobs and does well against larger targets as well. The Breaker is fun and fair. It has lower ammo and not the greatest range but it's 100% workable. No changes
Breaker Spray & Pray: Breaker S&P isn't a bad weapon at all but it's 100% outclassed by the Breaker Incindiary. The only change I would make is to give it a 30 round magazine with 7 magazines to further lean into the "Spray and Pray" aspect of the gun.
Breaker Incindiary: This gun needs nerfs. I love the thing but it outclasses the Breaker Spray & Pray and fulfills its own niche at the same time. I would reccomend bringing down the firerate from 5 shots per second to 4, lowering its DPS from 1200 without accounting for fire damage to a DPS of 960 without accounting for fire damage. This lowered firerate would make the gun lean into its gimmick and have the fire do more work.
Explosive Weapons
Explosive weapons are probably the hardest to balance due to all of the recent nerfs to the Eruptor and Crossbow. I've decided to skip these weapons as I don't fully understand how explosive damage works
Dominator: A gun with good strengths and a fair amount of weaknesses to hold it back, making it fair. No changes
Energy Weapons
One of my favorite types of weapons and one that doesn't require much balancing.
Blitzer: The only change I have in mind for this weapon is the way that targeting works. Make it so that when you aren't aiming it the gun will always try to target as many enemies as possible and when aimed in it will aim all of the shots at the crosshair
Purifier: This weapon needs more testing but is unanimously agreed to be trash. If the gun works the way I think it does then the damage is much lower than people think it is, with the bolt dealing a respectable 250 damage but the explosion dealing much less. I would reccomend making the bolt and the explosion do 250 damage, essentially one shotting any low or medium level bot including Scout Striders. This should be fair because it has a large charge up time inbetween shots
Punisher Plasma: One of the most underrated weapons and a personal favorite of mine. I love what they did to the weapon but it deserves a small nerf. Revert the projectile speed to the way it was before it was buffed or find a middle ground from where it is now and where it was before
Scythe: The problem with the Scythe is really the way damage is dealt. It deals 350 per second. The issue with this is it's slow to kill anything because it at minimum takes 1 second for damage to be applied. I would reccomend making it so that damage starts as soon as the laser touches something for the first time. This could be abused so i would also reccomend raising the charge up time to .6 seconds. I'm not 100% sure if this would work how I think it would so please let me know what you think. I'll try and illustrate what this looks like
Current version
(Laser touches, 1 second passes, damage)
Changed version
(Laser touches and damages at the same time, 1 second passes, damage)
Sickle: Fantastic weapon that is fun to use. No changes
Scorcher: Fantastic weapon, great all around with low ammo to balance it. No changes
Pistols
Pistols are in an ok spot right now but some overshadow others largely
Peacemaker: I bet you don't even know what the Peacemaker is because nobody ever uses it. The Peacemaker needs some massive help. I would reccomend raising the Peacemaker's total ammo to 25 rounds per magazine, raising the magazines to 7 magainzes total, and raising the damage anywhere from 80-90 per shot. The damage would still be just ok, being good on trash mobs, but would be a big help on builds that waste a lot of ammo. I want the Peacemaker to one shot Hunters and Pouncers as I think that's the only change that could make it actually strong and not overshadow other secondaries
Redeemer: No changes. It's very useful as an "Oh shit" tool. It would have lower DPS than the Peacemaker but would be easier to use in a pinch because it's full auto where the Peacemaker is semi auto
Senator: No changes. Great gun with it's own niche
Dagger: Literal trash, it has the lowest DPS in the game, has a large cooldown, and builds heat quickly. I would change it so that it can't overheat at all and even then it might still be trash. Let me know if there are any better ways to balance it
Grenade Pistol: Great utility weapon. The only change I would make is to make the explosion radius a little bigger to more reliably destroy bot fabricators
Verdict: It's to early to tell but the Verdict looks strong, being similar to the Senator with a better ammo economy but no medium armor penetration. Making it a reliable anti medium target weapon. No changes
Grenades
Grenades are in a weird spot right now, with some being amazing and some being bad and I aim to raise the lower end of grenades to be in line with the rest
High Explosive: No changes. It's decent having a larger blast than impacts but being slower
Frag Grenades: These things are bad. I would change the max number of grenades from 4 to 6 when holding these grenades, making them great against fabricators and bug holes
Incindiary Grenades: Raise the blast radius and it's good
Incindiary Impacts: As long as the Impact grenades radius is smaller than the normal version, it's good
Impact Grenades: No changes
Stun Grenades: No changes
Thermite Grenades: These things need help. They really only have 2 uses. 1-2 well placed Thermites and and an anti-tank shot will kill a Bile Titan and 1 Thermite will destroy a Cannon Turret. I would reccomend increasing the final explosion blast radius size, damage, and the thermite burn radius. This would cause 1 anti-tank shot and 1 Thermite to consistently kill Bile Titans, it would be easier to hit Hulk eyes with Thermites and 1 shot them, and Thermites should kill with 2 grenades if hitting a Tank heat vent. Thermites should also strip Charger armor with 1 Thermite
Support Weapons
Expendable Anti-Tank: No changes, great support weapon
Recoiless Rifle: Increase the size of the explosion making it easier to hit weakpoints, Making it stronger than other anti-tank options in exchange for the backpack slot
Spear: Fix the tracking to be much more consistent. The Spear just doesn't have enough ammo and should have 6 shots instead of 4
Quasar Cannon: No changes, has unlimited ammo but has a cooldown and charge up time
Airburst Rocket Launcher: This thing is so dogshit. It requires a backpack slot, needs to shoot enemies far away from allies or you'll kill them or yourself, doesn't gurantee killing everything in the blast radius, etc. This thing needs a massive damage buff to be worth using. Increase the amount of cluster bombs to gurantee that whatever is in the radius is dead including Hulks. Increase the armor penetration value to at least strip Charger armor and do big damage to it, if that's not enough it should kill Chargers outright
Grenade Launcher: Increase the amount of magazines from 2 to 3. This thing is great but the low ammo makes it unviable so increasing the magazines by 1 will go a long way
Railgun: This thing needs help. It should require only 2 level 7-8 shots to strip Charger leg armor. It should 4 shot a Bile Titan in the face when using max charge shots. and 3 max charge shots should kill tank vents
Stalwart: The Stalwart is IMO an underrated pick on bugs. Its main issue is really that it's only good at unarmored horde clearing, leaving the user prone to being attacked by armored and high level enemies. I would propose that giving it medium armor penetration would take it a long way as one of the best horde clearing weapons, being able to deal with Hive Guards, Bile Spewers, and Scout Striders easier
Machine Gun: The Machine Gun might be the least used support weapon in Helldivers 2. It just doesn't really do anything special that another support can't do better. I would reccomend giving it heavy armor penetration, allowing it to kill Hulks when hitting the eye and it would go through devastator armor
Heavy Machine Gun: Unfortunately, from its inception the HMG has been bottom tier. It recently got a crosshair but even still it just gets outclassed by the Anti-Material Rifle, Laser Cannon, and even the Railgun. I think it could be cool to up the ammo to 100 rounds per magazine and add an optional backpack. This backpack would add an extra magazine and would increase the armor penetration to go through Charger & Hulk armor
Anti-Material Rifle: The AMR probably needs a small nerf. It 1-2 shots anything on the bot front. I would reccomend reverting its damage so that it needs to headshot devastators to one shot them
Autocannon: No changes
Laser Cannon: No changes
Arc Thrower: Make the Arc Thrower staggestun lock Hulks again and its great. Right now it's useless on bots
Flamethrower: The Flamethrower is great because it can horde clear and kill Chargers very efficiently. This is most likely unintentional but it is very fun. I would reccomend lowering the total magazines from 4 to 3 to balance out the Flamethrower's strengths.
Backpacks
Guard Dog: Guard Dog is currently just overshadowed by its Rover variant. I would reccomend changing the gun from the Liberator to the Liberator Penatrator, with the damage being the same but giving it medium armor penetration. Ammo boxes should also refill its ammo
Guard Dog Rover: No changes, the nerfs were justified. This is still a great horde clearing weapon but it doesn't play the game for you anymore
Supply Pack: No changes, you give up a backpack slot but you get 4 resupply boxes which is a big help and is balanced
Ballistic Shield: No changes, it fulfills its niche on bots and will get even better as time passes with new 1 handed weapons
Jump Pack: No changes, the Jump Pack is decent but it becomes much better depending on the primary weapon you use
Shield Generator Pack: No changes
Emplacements
Anti-Personnel Mines: Mines are completely terrible right now, their damage is decent but the cooldowns are just to long to be useful. I reccomend reducing their cooldown from 3 minutes to 1 minute
Incendiary Mines: Just like the Anti-Personnel Mines, the cooldown should be brought down to 1 minute but also since fire damage is weaker than explosive damage, there should be more Incendiary Mines in a larger radius
Machine Gun Sentry: The Machine Gun Sentry is just a weaker version of the Gatling Sentry. Instead of bringing the power of the MG Sentry up, I think it would be cool to lower the cooldown of the MG sentry. The idea with this sentry is to be the disposable horde clear sentry, similar to how EATs are the disposable anti-heavy support weapon
Gatling Sentry: No changes
Autocannon Sentry: No changes
Mortar Sentry: No changes
EMS Mortar Sentry: No changes
Rocket Sentry: Right now the Rocket Sentry is just largely inferior to the AC Sentry. I think it could be cool to increase the range and projectile speed of the Rocket Sentry massively. This would make it a lower DPS but longer range sentry with more ammo compared to the AC Sentry. The AC Sentry would be better in terms of DPS but would require better positioning and defense while the Rocket Sentry is something you could put farther away that would help with larger targets, which is what a missle should do.
Tesla Tower: I haven't used the Tesla Tower enough to discuss what should be done about it, please let me know what ideas you have for it
HMG Emplacement: Really just make the HMG Emplacement affected by sentry upgrades. These upgrades would give the HMG Emplacement more ammo, a better turn speed, and more health
Eagles & Orbitals
There are to many to list so I'll only be listing Offensive Stratagems that should be changed
Eagle Strafing Run: Give it heavy armor penetration. It would be good way to horde clear and kill larger targets but wouldn't excel at either role
Eagle Airstrike: Reduce the uses from 2 to 1. This thing is just to good to have 2 uses. It horde clears, kills bosses, destroy fabricators and bug holes, has multiple uses, etc. Nerfing the amount of uses before it goes on cooldown brings up a lot of other stratagems
Eagle Cluster Bomb: Reduce uses from 4 to 3
Orbital Gatling Barrage: The OGB should target and move around instead of being a stationary stratagem. Instead of targeting high level enemies it should target groups of low level enemies.
Enemy Changes
I might be in the minority but I feel like the main game mode (Helldive difficulty, 4 players) is to easy. I would reccomend buffing up the enemies to not only account for all of these new buffs but also to make Helldive hard again. All of these changes would only apply to Helldive difficulty as that's the only difficulty I have enough experience to have a good idea of what should change
Increased spawns on objectives: Objectives currently need to have more spawns, there is just to much downtime. Of course each objective will need its own spawnrates based on how long and how difficult each objective but generally there needs to be less enemies
Pouncers: Low level bug enemies are currently not threatening enough. They have low health, low damage, and are slow. I would reccomend increasing the Pouncer's movement speed to increase their ability to swarm players.
Warriors: Just like the Pouncers, Warriors just aren't very scary and should have increased movement speed to make them still a threat with their ability to swarm
Bile Spewers: These things need to be shot. Their spit attack is 100% broken. Damage on the spit attack needs to be reduced so that it isn't a one shot. I think a cool change though to make them still a threat is that diving would get rid of the slow debuff, but it would also increase the DOT from the acid, giving the player the choice between their movement or their health. Slow debuff should only be applied if the acid attack hits, not if the acid is in your general area
Bile Titans: These things are honestly just to tanky and completely define bug missions. There are to few ways to kill these. You either need an anti-tank support weapon or an anti-heavy stratagem. I think a good change would be that the legs should have lower armor (maybe heavy armor penetration and explosive weapons can do damage) and that if a leg is hit enough the Bile Titan would die. Hitting the head with anti-tank weapons would still be faster and leg shots would probably require 2-3 people to shoot the leg to kill the Titan at a reasonable pace but Titans wouldn't be unkillable.
Heavy Devastators: Devastators just need an accuracy nerf. They kill incredibly quickly and they frequently spawn so nerfing their accuracy would make them more fun to fight
New Additions
These are a few new additions to the game that I think would be cool
Gas Grenade: A portable version of the Orbital Gas Strike. It would have a larger AOE compared to incindiary grenades but a lower DPS
Thermite Breacher: A new support bolt-action sniper rifle that uses large thermite bullets. There would be 3 shots per magazine and 4 magazines total. Shooting this weapon sticks a large thermite bullet that deals high damage over time that explodes, similarly to the thermite grenade. No 3rd person scope. 1 leg shot would strip Charger armor, 2 headshots would kill. 3 headshots would kill a Bile Titan. One eye shot would kill a hulk, 2 shots would destroy heat vents
Incindiary Grenade Launcher: A grenade launcher with 4 magazines that shot incindiary grenades
Gas Grenade Launcher: A grenade launcher with 4 magazines that shot gas grenades. These grenades would have a larger AOE compared to the Incindiary Grenade Launcher but a lower DPS
Arc Spitter: An arc assault rifle that had lower damage per shot and firerate, but would also fire arc shots that could arc to 1 other target per shot
Glide Pack: A varaint of the Jump Pack. It doesn't have as much vertical height but you can hold the space bar to slowly glide back to the ground
Roman Exosuit: A new Exosuit meant to be used against bots. The left hand would have a shield that could block bullets from the front and would break after taking enough damage. The right hand would have a large Laser Cannon that could overheat and would have a long cooldown when overheated
Angel Support: A Pelican would come down from the Super Destroyer to hover over the player for 30 seconds. Would have unlimited ammo and a 4 minute cooldown. So far the 2 weapons I think it could have is an Autocannon and Gatling gun
Care Package: Once every 1.5 minutes, call down a Care Package that gives the player a random one time use stratagem that goes away upon death. Can only hold 1 Care Package stratagem at a time
Fido: A new stratagem that summons an AI controlled car. This car would go around spotting enemies, finding side objectives, collecting ammo, supplies, and samples
Sharpshooter: A new armor passive. Hitting weakpoints on medium and high level targets would reward the player with ammo, stims, & grenades. If a weakpoint breaks such as a brood commander leg or the target dies due to being hit in weakpoint, get some supplies back. This effect does not apply to low level targets. 5% chance to get a stim, 15% chance to get a grenade, 20% chance to get a support weapon magazine, 60% chance to get a primary and secondary magazine.
Thick Skin: A new armor passive. 25% damage reduction when being hit in the back or side
Extrasensory: A new armor passive. Gain the ability to detect enemies offscreen in a 25m radius
End of thread, please let me know what you liked and what you think should be changed

I'm an only child W24. My mother W54, grandma W65 and grandpa M73 have nothing besides me.
My mother doesn't work, my grandparents also don't. They are incredibly isolated from any social connections. So it's basically just us and nobody else from their point of view.
My mother expects me to be a substitue for a healthy social life, she wants me to go out with her and everything. I understand that, but I refuse to pander to her unhealthy expectations. I told her since years she has to find something to spend her time with and meet people, like volunteer somewhere. Even if it's just once or twice a month. I begged her under tears and I told her I don't go out with her because I can't and I won't be her social life. All she does is sit at home and watch TV, its no life and I told her I won't go out with her until she did something to change her life. Shes too young to spend her days like this.
Okay thats that. My grandparents and mother are immigrants and have no real education. I am pursuing a degree, maybe even phd in biology. I feel like i can't talk to them about anything. I try to explain things I'm working on in the simplest words and they don't understand. Until recently, my mother didn't even understand what degree I'm getting, I've explained over and over again for years.
Now, I understand them not getting what I'm doing at uni. It's okay. But it doesn't end there. This sounds mean, but when we sit and talk together it feels like they are just not there mentally. They talk about something, they don't understand each other and start arguing. It's like this every single time. There is nothing to argue over, but they just get so frustrated over not understand each other intelectually that they start arguing. I participate in conversations less and less, because they just can't follow, no matter the subject. Might be something as trivial as groceries or something. I think my grandparents might have early stage dementia, but they refuse to see a doctor about it. My mother takes medication that messes with her memory and stuff, but (I'm really sorry) she's also just kinda stupid... You just can't talk to them like adults.
I feel incredibly distant from my family and I just don't know anymore HOW to spend time together. We cant have a nice meal and talk together, since it always ends in an argument over the stupidest thing. And it's extremely exhausting to just not be able to properly communicate, no matter what. Everytime, I get teary eyed and have to leave. I start to feel jealous of people with functioning families and I also get frustrated with myself, because I really do love my family. On the other hand, they represent everything I never want to be. I want to be a good child or grandchild, but it's just not possible. I feel burdened by their expectations. Sometimes I thought I would be better off if I just left the country and never told them. I feel like their bad traits rub off on me and start to impair my own social interactions.
I tried to get into therapy, called several psychologists but they are all full...
TLDR: My family is everything I never want to become. Lonely and stupid. They are unable to communicate, because they are too slow to follow simple conversations. This ends up in arguments all the time. They never did anything wrong to me and love me, but I can't stand being around them. They have unhealthy expectations, since I am their substitute for a social life.

Link to original nosleep post:
https://www.reddit.com/nosleep/comments/1bgxwgm/i_found_a_set_of_blank_cassette_tapes_at_the_junk/
Growing up as a young kid in the late 1980s, I was always terrified by the stories I'd hear of people who'd go to the grocery store, take a hike in the woods, or even a trip to a crowded beach, and would disappear, never to be seen again.
Whenever I'd see their faces memorialized on the back of milk cartons, their last photographs forever immortalized in the macabre medium of ink on cardboard, it would send shivers down my spine.
But the truth is, by the mid 1990s, I had overcome my fears, too preoccupied by the distractions of an adolescent life.
That is, until one day, in 1996, when, at the age of fourteen, a mere freshman in high school, during my weekly pilgrimage to the junk store, I made a discovery in the cassette pile that would change my life forever.
"You're still listening to tapes?" My best friend Jess asked, rolling her eyes, a nerd in the truest sense. "Get with it, dude. CDs are the future. Higher dynamic range, superior sound quality. It's not even a question."
"Yeah, yeah." I replied, ignoring her criticism, as I rummaged through the store's now mound of cassettes, its collection having significantly accumulated since the dawn of the compact disc just a few years prior.
"Look at that thing. It just looks... not cool." My friend Mike added, as he pointed to my cassette player, which was clipped onto my belt, its black plastic headphones draped around my neck. "I swear, if you wear that to school, and the football team asks, I'm denying that we're friends."
Somewhere between elementary school and high school, he'd been converted to an athlete and, by association, became popular. But I didn't care about being cool. Or acting cool. Or dressing cool. I just liked what I liked, and to me, cassettes were functional, and cheap. And that, to me, was really cool.
"Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never-" I began to say to them, before something caught my eye at the bottom of the box.
It was a stack of eight homemade cassette tapes, each with a number scribbled onto it, bundled together by a flimsy old rubber band, that looked like it would break at any moment.
There was just something about them. Something so nondescript, so unapologetic, so mysterious, that I felt compelled to buy them, without even knowing what was recorded onto their magnetic tape.
"What are you guys doing later?" I asked Jess and Mike, as we left the store, and began our walk home, the ocean's waves showering us with mist, as they crashed along the seawall of our small South Shore town.
"First game of the season tonight." Mike replied, "Wouldn't miss it."
"You should check it out. Even I'm watching," Jess added, "We signed Walker in the draft. I just have a feeling about this season."
"No thanks." I declined, "I just can't get into sports. Despite my blue collar dad's continued attempts to convert me."
"Your loss." Mike replied, as we parted ways, each of us heading off in different directions.
—
Later that night, I was lying in bed, fantasizing about a world where Jess confessed her undying love for me, when I suddenly remembered that I'd bought the cassette tapes earlier that day.
So, I found the one labeled "1," popped it into my cassette player, and hit the rewind button.
After a minute, I heard it stop, and pressed play...
CLICK.
...Expecting to hear some grunge, britpop, or maybe even ska music. But what came out of the speakers was something... else.
"If you're listening to this..." A man said, his ominous voice crackling over the magnetic tape, "...You've found my instructions on where to find the bodies in the marsh."
What the heck? I thought to myself, nearly spitting out my soda. This must be some kind of prank. But for some reason, I couldn't stop listening.
"Bodies that, if discovered in the correct order, will provide clues to who I am. And why I did what I did."
Okay, maybe it's some sort of audio game? Like a detective thing, Yes, that must be it.
"As this is the first cassette in the set of eight, for this tape I'll be providing step by step instructions on how to find the first body. So, when you're ready, please proceed to the marshes on 139, where the bend of the road meets the sharp turn sign. You'll want to pause the tape now, until you get there."
CLICK.
I did just as he instructed, and paused the tape.
139. That's an actual street, not far away. Wait a minute. Could this be... real?
I wasted no time, picking up the plastic rotary telephone that I'd begged my parents to let me keep in my room, and called Jess' house.
"What the heck, dude!" She answered, "You just booted me offline. I've been downloading this song all day, and it was at 95%."
"Sorry," I replied, "But there's something I need to tell you."
I proceeded to tell her about the tape, and its instructions, and asked her to skip school with me the next day, to accompany me on my search for the bodies. Naturally, she laughed off the request, citing a presentation she had to give at school the next day, but offered up going right then and there.
"At night? Are you crazy?" I asked.
"I mean it's not real. So what's the worst that could happen?" She reasoned.
"Okay, let me call Mike."
I would have bet a million dollars that Mike would have declined the invite, and called me an idiot for even entertaining the idea, but when he picked up the phone, he was so upset that the boys in green, as he called them, had lost, that he jumped at the chance to get out of the house.
"Really?" I replied.
"Yeah, I can't listen to my old man make up excuses for them anymore. It's much too early in the season."
—
About an hour later, Jess, Mike, and I met at the marshes on 139, where the bend of the road meets the sharp turn sign, just as the narrator, as I'll call him, had described.
"Where to now, genius?" Mike asked, gesturing to the immense stretch of marshland that lay before us. A stretch of marshland that was so expansive, in fact, that our town was even named for it.
"One second." I said, before putting on my headphones and pressing play on the cassette player.
CLICK.
"If you're listening now, it means you made it to the starting point. Next, you'll want to turn to the marsh, and scan the horizon for an old scarecrow. Once you find it, walk across the top of the marsh, careful not to fall into its trenches, until you reach the scarecrow. Until then, pause the tape."
Once again, I did just as he instructed, and paused the tape, before returning my headphones to my neck, and looking off into the distance.
Sure enough, about a football field's distance away, was the scarecrow, its body illuminated by the moonlight, its arms open wide, as if calling us over to join it.
"Follow me." I said to my friends.
—
A few minutes later, I was trudging through the grassy surface of the marshlands, my flashlight in hand, as Jess and Mike lagged behind me, bantering away as usual.
"It's up, up, down, down, right, left, right, left, A, B, and start." Mike said.
"No, you idiot, it's up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, and start." Jess corrected.
"Will you two shut up already?" I called out, as I forged ahead, too annoyed to look back at them.
"You know what, Tyler? I'm really starting to worry about you, dude." Mike said.
"Oh yeah? Why's that?" I replied, rolling my eyes.
"You're really changing. Hanging out at the comic book store. Listening to metal. And worst of all, wearing those flannels around your waist."
I stopped in my tracks, and turned back to him.
"Me change? Dude, I saw you bullying Shea in the locker room, with the other football players."
"So what? The kid deserved it."
"Did he? Why?"
"For being a nerd. That's why. And you know what?"
"What?"
"Maybe you deserve to be bullied too."
I dropped my flashlight and stormed over to him, before we both locked eyes, fists clenched.
That's when we heard Jess, call back to us from up ahead.
"Hey guys..." She said.
We both looked over to her.
Jess simply pointed a few feet away, where we saw...
...A giant scarecrow, towering above the marsh, its wooden body barely keeping it standing, nearly all of its hay having fallen off.
—
CLICK.
"If you're listening now, it means you made it to the scarecrow. Next, you'll want to look out at the Y-shaped ravine before you, separating you from two different patches of marsh. Jump to the one on the left, take about five steps, and dig there. That's where you'll find the first body, and a clue. After you find it, you'll want to switch to the second tape."
CLICK.
I relayed the recording to my friends, who had very different reactions.
"I'm not jumping-" Jess said.
"Stand back." Mike interrupted, as he took a few steps back, crouched down, ran...
...And cleared the ravine, his boots splashing into the muddy marsh on the other side.
Jess and I simply looked at each other, then over at Mike, then down at the ravine, and finally back at each other.
—
A few minutes later, Jess was helping me up from the ravine, she too, having just crawled up from it after falling in.
Meanwhile, Mike was laughing so hard at us, that he stumbled backwards and tripped over something.
Seeing that Mike, too, was now covered in mud, Jess and I joined in on the laughter, and before we knew it, all three of us were all uncontrollably howling under the moonlight, all three of us, dirt caked onto all of our clothes.
But then Mike stopped laughing.
"Hey guys..." He said.
Jess and I looked over at him.
"...What the heck is that?" He continued, pointing to an object that was protruding from the marsh.
I turned on my flashlight, shined it onto the object, and was shocked to find...
...A human hand, long decomposed, its digits collapsed into the mud, its wrist bones sticking up through the grass.
Jess screamed at the top of her lungs.
Mike, having just stood up, fell back to the ground, his eyes wide in horror.
And I, I took it the worst of all, immediately turning to the ravine and gagging into it, as if that was the polite place to do it.
"But wait," Jess began, "That means..."
"...They're real. The tapes are real. And there are seven more bodies out here." I muttered, my body beginning to tremble.
"Cool." Jess said, before taking a closer look.
"We've gotta go tell someone. The cops. Let's get out of here." I said, still in shock.
"Are you kidding, dude? We have a once in a lifetime chance here, to find these bodies. Now let's find the clue and play the other tape." Mike said, his voice excited, but his body shaking.
"He does have a point, as disgusting as it is." Jess added.
"You can't be serious?" I yelled out to them both.
"Hey, you're the one that found the tapes. And wanted to come out here." Jess replied.
"The way I see it, there's only one way to decide." Mike called out.
"Oh yeah? What's that?" I asked.
"We vote." He said, with a smile.
—
A few minutes later, Mike and Jess were digging through the mud, searching for the clue, as I watched on in horror, switched tape "1" for tape "2", and pressed play.
CLICK.

What is Looking-Glass Self? This is concept in sociology, discovered in 1902 by Cooley - and his theory states that we form our own identity based on what we think other people think who we are. In fact, the whole sociology is based on social anxiety- the very same social anxiety that psychiatry (CBT and DSM) are pathologizing and trying to cure and destroy and present as mental illness.
Without social anxiety, without ability to worry what other people think about us - we would lose social skills, empathy and civilization norms - such as not eating others.
"If it weren't for the nervous people in the world, we'd all still be eating each other." The Misfits (1961) https://youtu.be/h56iL7vK5Y0
When people consume chicken - they eat the flesh of animals because there is no ability to connect with the slaughtered animals as conscious beings who are able to think and perceive us. So when we destroy social anxiety- our ability to worry what other people think - we will become psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists. This also provide us with important information of self expression and holding toxic people accountable - by stating the facts and truth. Toxic people learn to suppress social anxiety - and this gives them ability to be cruel. And the only way to probe their delusions is to speak the truth to them. And that is why toxic people mock and go into hysteria mode - because their suppressed conscience and morality and ethics are eating them from inside.
Dolphins are not caught with smiles but cruelly with hooks, Michele. One day you will learn to be cruel. Caravaggio (1986) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GF12uM_GK74
Sociology is based on social anxiety - that we form our own identity based on society. We need other people to provide us information who we are and how to express ourselves. The language is the very first thing that society gives us to define who we are - by using the very words that society is using.
Theories of the Self
William James (1890): A person has "as many social selves as there are individuals who recognize him and carry and image of him in their minds"
Charles Cooley (1902): Views of self reflect the standpoints of significant others in our lives ("looking-glass self")
George Herbert Mead (1934): We imagine the perspectives of others and incorporate these into our self views - and that this occurs continuously as we interact with others on an ongoing, moment to moment basis.

Having a distorted looking glass (incorrectly imagining others’ opinions of us) can cause bad feelings, or a negative self-image. https://wa01001786.schoolwires.net/cms/lib/WA01001786/Centricity/Domain/70/Socialization%20Notes.pdf
What happens when we are around toxic people - is that our identity is deformed as well. CBT claims, along with DSM, that our worry what other people think - is personality disorder, called Borderline:
Reality testing is ability to perceive reality properly. Without too much deviation from facts. Borderline refer to you if want to know anything about reality. “Do you think so too?” Narcissist will tell you "am I not genius". YT Richard Grannon & Prof. Sam Vaknin about Fantasy
Borderline personality disorder is a mental health condition that affects the way people feel about themselves and others, making it hard to function in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable, intense relationships, as well as impulsiveness and an unhealthy way of seeing themselves. (Mayo Clinic)
The truth is - if we are around toxic people, their criticism will affect our self worth. Their constant nagging, constant nitpicking, constant error finding and constant drama about anything that moves - will have an effect on our sense of stability and security in the world. This is not disorder. This is simply how society works. In order to heal our mental health issues - we need to repair connections with other people - which may include minimizing exposure to toxic people or cutting toxic people completely off from our lives.
We will never feel secure, confident, worthy - if there are toxic people around us who are criticizing us and others all the time.
Improving our relationships is improving our mental health. William Glasser
Interpersonal strife with those close to us leads to rifts and resentments that produce symptoms of mental illness; these problems are, in fact, the logical consequence of troubled relationships. Glasser emphasizes that lasting psychological problems are usually caused by problems in our personal relationships (rather than signifying a biochemical abnormality in the brain), and distress can be remedied through repairing these relationships without recourse to psych drugs. DK psychology book, WILLIAM GLASSER
Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk
In another words: feel safe with other people = mental health
The single most important issue for traumatized people is to find a sense of safety in their own bodies. 🟦 Bessel A. van der Kolk
Toxic people cause social anxiety. That is why social anxiety is called social+anxiety. There is social element that is causing the anxiety. There is social factor contributing to anxiety. It is not called self-anxiety. We did not catch social anxiety by walking randomly in the street when it was rainy, so we caught a common cold. It is not like we felt bored in our lives so we invented neuroticism to keep us active and occupied. Social anxiety must start in childhood with ACE and ACoA where we learned from early on - that life is dangerous, that people are not safe, that we must worry to be hyper-vigilant and that we are unworthy if we make any kind of mistakes. We learned that our flaws, imperfections and mistakes are our core personality - abnormal and inept.
Society attacks early, when the individual is helpless. B. F. Skinner
This is how we end up with Broken Looking Glass Self. Distorted Looking Glass Self. We end up with operant conditioning - to worry what other people think in such way that we attempt to think for the other person ahead of time, so that they do not get mad of us - and then attempt, we try hard not to make other people mad. And how we execute this operant conditioning - depends on our background, people around us and punishments to which we were exposed as kids. Most socially anxious learn to keep quiet. To shut up. To self censor. And to self blame. If the other person is angry or hysterical - we will feel responsible for their mood swings and we will try hard to fix their emotions and their problems. Soon - we spread this fixing on other people, who are not angry - and we create fake social mask that is always pleasant and nice and helpful to anyone, especially if they are angry and rude and intrusive. We learned to interpret their anger as our fault and our abnormality. Looking glass self is broken - because it does not reflect any more - now we imagine how to please other people without using looking glass (mirror) - as all people use it.
Other people are there as information post. They broadcast who they are, many of them mask their true Self and present fake version of themselves, their social mask. Our brain will naturally form opinion about us through the words and opinions and non-verbal gestures from other people, strangers or our acquaintances. This part is totally normal. This is not disorder. This is not illness. The disorder starts when we try hard to fix other people's conclusions about us by making ourselves small and by changing our routine so that we soothe the other person. Instead of CBT techniques - all that we need to do here is to allow other people to think whatever they choose to think about us. Simply allow other people to hate us and leave it at that.
We really have to work very hard at changing our programming because we don't understand we're upset because someone else has a perception of us that we're uncomfortable with. And we challenge this person's perception of us. We're upset that people think this about us. Something amazing happens when you begin to accept that other people are allowed to have their own faulty perception of you. 🟥 Lisa A. Romano Breakthrough Life coach Inc.
For the next step, sociology will also help us. CBT and DSM, psychiatry is telling us concrete steps which we must take - and morally and ethically speaking - this is illegal. When someone orders us what we must do - this is called manipulation and coercive control. This way anyone who is psychopathic and narcissistic can climb, grab and push their way to powerful position of ordering others what to do - and then evil people can easily manipulate and control the masses. This is what happens with psychiatry. Psychology on the other hand explains concepts - psychology does not order us what to do in life and how to react. That is why Humanistic psychology is healthy.
It is the client who knows what hurts, what directions to go, what problems are crucial, what experiences have been deeply buried. Carl Rogers
In the same manner as Humanistic Psychology and IFS Model - sociology also has the similar term that allows clients freedom in own choices - which is called Thomas theorem.
The Thomas theorem is a theory of sociology which was formulated in 1928 by William Isaac Thomas and Dorothy Swaine Thomas: If men define situations as real, they are real in their consequences. In other words, the interpretation of a situation causes the action. This interpretation is not objective. (wiki)
If men define situations as real, they are real in their consequences. - formulated in 1928 by William Isaac Thomas and Dorothy Swaine Thomas
This means - that no other person can objectively tell us what is the best way to go in life. We need our inner GPS, our intuition, our common sense, other people as well - to form our reality and our construct of the future where we are headed. With CBT and DSM - we do not have this freedom. With CBT and DSM - we are pathologized instead - and all our focus is spent on fixing our symptoms - we are literally self consuming ourselves with CBT.
In real life- real life situations will not allow us to form rigid mindset. Any other person, any other situation in life - good or bad - is always unique and different. Sometimes it is great that we shut up and that we self censor ourselves - especially if we are tired and we don't want to harm other people with our nagging and complaints that will go off as soon as we get to sleep and rest. On the other hand - many situations in life that are triggering our social anxiety require from us to self express, that we talk out our truth - no matter how much manipulative people attempt to shut us up with mocking and shaming.
So when we allow other people to form toxic conclusions about us - we need to know that we can rely on our brain, on our intuition to tell us how to react and what to do and how to behave. We have this mechanism inside us. We do not need to pathologize ourselves with CBT. CBT will tell us that we must be assertive in order to handle toxic people. This is horrible advice because:
"If you have been the scapegoat in a narcissistic family system, the concept of setting a boundary is laughable. You would be telling them exactly how to hurt you, and they would happily oblige. Also, trying to set a boundary in a calm and tactful way would be met by resistance in the form of mocking and ridicule, attempting to bait the scapegoat into anger, which would prove you are the problem." YT kingbee9778
"I feel gaslighted by the therapy mantras of “ you have to teach people how to treat you “ ,(setting boundaries). No you don’t and no you can’t. First of all, it’s not my job to teach an adult how to behave like one and quite frankly, it’s a trap and a drain hole. Secondly, I DON’T CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE. They will do what they want, especially if they have the tiniest ounce of power over you." YT gertrudewest4535
When we follow CBT - we will repeat the broken Looking Glass Self when we exposure ourselves to social situations - and social anxiety will not go away - because we will continually process the same ways reality and other people in a manner that is toxic to us - through seeking approval from other people, through self flagellation, through harsh inner critic and internalized toxic shame.
To fix broken Looking-Glass Self means fixing social anxiety: when we are afraid of what other people think about us. With CBT we self pathologize our normal reaction to worry what other people think about us. This is not disorder, it is totally normal to have awareness that other people are thinking about us.
Many social anxiety coaches will use "Spotlight effect" as proof that other people do not worry about us:
"The spotlight effect is the psychological phenomenon by which people tend to believe they are being noticed more than they really are."
In toxic contact - toxic people - those same ones who trigger our social anxiety - do notice anything about us. In normal population - other people will think about us and we will define each other - through the process called The Michelangelo phenomenon - where we chisel each other into better version, where we change our toxic habits that hurt us as much as they hurt other people. In unhealthy, toxic social dynamics there will be the opposite: Golem Effect and Crab mentality. Where there is competition and where other person is perceived as threat and someone to pull down.
A lot of content on mental health in mainstream media does not cover the unique corner that survivors of narcissistic abuse live in. Not one mention of being in any kind of toxic relationship. “Avoid your triggers” is not easy in narcissistic relationships. When the discomfort is living in your house or down the street or in the next office. It was not even rumination, but reality. And the constant exposure means you don't get a break. 🟥 DoctorRamani https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uusKWmjUk6k
I'm not setting boundary with these people. “Don't do this with me”. “Don't say this with me”. It's all internal. Because if you try to set a boundary with someone who's narcissistic or antagonistic – it's never going to work. And I think it's unsafe guidance to give.
With this dangerous person no. But what are you willing to tolerate. How can you protect yourself emotionally. What access can you remove. Move these people from VIP section.
🟥 Dr. Ramani - Terri Cole
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSHI5N-w5sk
With broken Looking-Glass Self - we end up being trapped in toxic people's minds. Similar to horror movie / book The Cell from 2000. Even when we develop Who cares attitude, and when we consciously try to block and build walls away from toxic people, when we try hard to push down and suppress toxic people - we are still trapped in their reality of what they potentially might think about us. This is why CBT is not working - because CBT tries hard to convince us to use suppression as method to block social anxiety. And we cannot block other people - we need other people for our identity and our self worth - where there is healthy interaction called Interdependence. Toxic people behave in codependent way - they see other people as competition and this creates codependency. They need other people like vampires need blood - to exploit someone's attention, someone's focus, money, time and or resources of any kind. It is like give me, give me, give me - and provide nothing in return. With social anxiety we end up giving others without observing if the other person is emotionally invested in us at all. It ends up and one side interaction, exploitation really. Social anxiety means suppress anger as well. We learned to push our anger away - and this attracts toxic people who count on our silence and understanding and toxic empathy - knowing that they can cross boundaries of social interaction in their favor and we won't make any kind of protest. Then our own only protection - is avoidance. Therefore - social anxiety is natural defense mechanism against dangerous criminally insane psychopaths who are abusing their power position against ourselves.
In our teen years we experiences bully experience - after years of exposure to ACoA and ACE (constant criticism and constant drama at home) - so we generalized the belief that we cannot trust other people - and we learned that we process reality through broken Looking Glass Self - where we appease other people with our decisions - by being afraid what other people may think badly of us - since we were pressed and pushed into equating social rejection and our self worth as if they are one of the same. And psychiatry - instead of explaining us that it is totally normal to worry what other people think - CBT explains us that this is abnormality. This faulty explanation from medical industry is adding more trauma and more toxic shame and it gives our inner critic free reign to self abuse us - because we believe we are abnormal and ill if we worry what other people thin about us. In reality - all people worry about others. Even psychopaths worry what other people will think, along with narcissists - because they know that they need to form fake social mask of charm in order to seduce new victims into their agenda of exploiting and manipulating others.
Looking-Glass Self tells us - that we simply allow toxic people to form bad opinion about us in their heads - and that we absolutely do nothing to change this image that toxic people freely choose to believe about us in their heads.
You're no longer going to play the game of what can I do differently to get them to behave differently – because the answer is to that is nothing. That's radical acceptance. It takes long time. And it's not just accepting their behavior is not going to change, it's also the way it affects you is also not going to change. Just because you radically accept doesn't mean that somebody screaming at you is going to hurt any less- it does,it hurts a lot 🟥 Dr. Ramani - Terri Cole https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSHI5N-w5sk
Other people will hurt us. They will say mean and untrue things about us. They will attack us - this has nothing to do with who we are. Their choice to harm and hurt other person - is abnormality in their brain. Normal healthy sane people do not attack others. Normal healthy sane people have ability to emotionally regulate themselves. Person who does not have this ability - is sick and mentally ill. And this has nothing to do with us. We are not the ones who can cure them by changing our behavior.
Lundy Bancroft: "Abuse is NOT caused by bad relationship dynamics. You can't manage your partner's abusiveness by changing your behaviour. But he wants you to think you can."
The pain that we feel when toxic people attack us, verbally or physically - is normal pain, we need this pain as the instruction for us what to do with severely damaged people around us.
If you are not feeling pain, anger and sadness while you are taking in psychological abuse or something similar – you are going to end up in those situations over and over again –because you are not logging information that your body telling 🟥Heidi Priebe https://youtube.com/watch?v=GTQohPaGnSY
People say it bothers me when they say these things. I say, because they say bothersome things. I don't want you to lose that part of you. That part is good index what is okay, what's not. From that point – excavation. A person pulling their true self out of their relationships. If you grew up with narcissistic parent, it was a true self that never even got to develop. It's how much your identity got co-opted. What do I like, what do I stand for. 🟥 Dr. Ramani - Terri Cole https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSHI5N-w5sk
The core of narcissistic person is very fragile. That's why they lose it when you critique them. Or give them feedback. Or don't read their mind. Or don't do exactly what they want. And that's why they use all kinds of tactics like manipulation, gaslighting, invalidation, dismissiveness, competitiveness, betrayal. Some of them are tactics, some are unemphatic behavior. And it gives them the upper hand in relationship. Control, power gives them supply. 🟥 Dr. Ramani - Cole https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSHI5N-w5sk
With social anxiety - we do not need psychiatry. Socially anxious need sociology. It is after all social issue. Social anxiety is anxiety that is connected to society - the name itself reveals this crucial aspect: society, social, societal. Psychiatry will only leave us lacking and with belief that something is horribly wrong with us, when we are around toxic people:
DSM doesn't explain anything. So many therapies and particularly CBT and others are just so focused on extinguishing symptoms which were once strategies of survival. And it doesn't make sense that you want to extinguish – we want eventually to move away from these symptoms and these strategies but I certainly don't want to pathologize them or look at them as somehow defective because they have saved our lives. 🟥 Transforming Trauma Episode 21 IFS & NARM https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRTHacVAwdk
When we stop self pathologizing our social anxiety - we will unburden ourselves with toxic idea that feeling pain is abnormal and sick. And it will give us energy to start looking what is causing this pain - instead of focusing ourselves on chasing the symptoms. Without the stigma and labels - we will have much more resources at our disposal to handle difficult people in life who are causing our social anxiety in the first place.
With social anxiety - we need to learn about the Cooley's concept Looking-Glass Self and other terms from sociology. Instead of pathologizing our social reactions - we simply need information to confirm us that we are not abnormal and inept as CBT paints the socially anxious. We need information to learn what our rights are.
Five themes of microaggression against people with mental illnesses
1. Invalidation
When other people dismiss their illness or symptoms through minimizing their experience, symptomizing their normal experiences, and patronizing
2. Assumption of inferiority
When other people assume that people with mental illness have lower intelligence, are incompetent, and that they do not have control
3. Fear of mental illness
When other people fear them because they believe that they may be dangerous or unpredictable
4. Shaming of mental illness
When other people tell them that they shouldn't let others know about their mental illness
5. Second class citizen attitudes
When other people treat them as if they don't have the same rights as the dominant group of society.
Mental Health Forum, 2016

Diagnosis is not an excuse to be selective about their rights. Autistic not weird
Healing the Broken Looking-Glass Self means learning about the mentality - which we never had chance to learn in our developmental years. Other children learned this concept via keeping connections with other people. We - started to avoid people. Even when we were around other people - we pulled our investment emotionally with other people - and this way we never learned that other people are safe. We developed the stump growth - that is being stuck in age 12, when we started to avoid people. Similar to the plant that cannot grow roots in small basin or tree/plant that is stumped in growing due to some kind of obstacle to grow upright. Our growth was shaped from the perspective of not trusting other people - because they harmed us. Other people learned to develop certain amount of trust. They learned to filter out the bad people. And they learned that they are safe to express themselves - without being punished for it. This is why their social anxiety is in normal threshold. They will experience stress and then behave in anti-social manner, they will express their anger without problems - because they were never pushed into forming their self worth through worry what their tormentors might think about them. So it is not like social anxiety is abnormality or sickness - it is simply that non-socially anxious people were lucky enough to grow in healthy ambient, and that is their secret. They were not stronger. They were not more competent. They were not better or superior to the socially anxious. They simply had privilege and entitlement that helped them over-pass developmental years without fearing other people. Their mechanisms how to handle triggers - are mostly unhealthy (lacking empathy) - but their Looking glass self was not broken. With interaction with other people, with other children, they learned naturally to allow difficult people to hate them. Instead of worry - that is found in social anxiety - they simply turned their focus onto other people. With social anxiety - we do not have other people, we have no one to turn to, since we learned that other people are painful and traumatic. We never learned that hanging around with other people is enjoyable experience - and if someone is rude, toxic and abnormal - that we are allowed to focus and place our attention to better, healthier people around us.
In shame culture ambient - we will learn that other people criticism is reflection of our worth - and that is Broken Looking-Glass Self. That we cannot feel good about ourselves until other person reflects positive words about us to us:
Young American explained why she left Croatia:
"In Croatia people constantly express intrusive opinion about matters which are none of their business. The most irritating things were rude people."
https://www.poslovni.hlifestyle/amerikanka-napusta-hrvatsku-neucinkovitost-i-birokracija-te-ljudi-koji-nemaju-motiva-za-napredovanjem-u-poslu-358422
Young American explained why she escaped from Croatia:
"Often I heard Croats intruding why am I eating something, or commenting about what I wore. There is no such thing in America, we allow people to be what they want to be. People here are strange as if I am inside toxic relationship."
https://www.vecernji.hshowbiz/amerikanka-u-hrvatskoj-iznenadila-objavom-ljudi-su-ovdje-cudni-kao-da-sam-u-losoj-vezi-1351757
Don't look to the approval of others for your mental stability. 🟦 Karl Lagerfeld
We will heal social anxiety trauma with healing our choice to stay stuck around toxic people. We can cut toxic people - even when we are unable to leave them physically - by severing the trauma bonding in our mind - that is broken Looking-Glass Self.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt
Yes, toxic people are pathological liars, They spread gossip. They create drama and hysteria. Toxic people do not have word toxic stuck on their forehead. Toxic people will not behave toxically in front of others - because they depend to look good in the eyes of other people - so they also have Looking-Glass Self no matter how much they said that they do not care what other people think about them. Therefore - social anxiety is clear indication that we are around toxic people. Toxic people do not allow us to express ourselves - and they use various methods of coercive control to manipulate their targets. The first step is to sever this trauma bonding - by allowing them to hate us.
That we basically stop impressing others.
Don't try to impress others. ✝️ Bible, Philippians 2-3
Cooley said our sense of Self comes from how we think other people see us. “I am not what I think I am. I am not what you think I am; I am what I think you think I am.” Other people's reflections of us and how we think about those images they have of us help create our sense of Self. Grades from teachers can reflect back to us an image of ourselves that we then internalize and becomes our self-perception. They effect self-image. 🟥 The Looking glass self https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1X1wwTCuZBo
We imagine we are seen by others. And that imagination forms our identity. Our identity is being shaped by others. Others is agent which influences who we are in society. You begin to believe that and you begin to see as your identity, what other people think of you. Intelligent, high self esteem, outgoing – you believe what people say about you, it becomes your identity. Our identity is formed through the way we imagine people see us.
🟥 Looking-glass Self https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UWOflUXKUQ
That imagination comes from interaction with these people. In the process of interaction they tell you this is what we think about you. And then you go off believe in that. You don't control what people think about you. Front Stage Behavior: Familiarity breeds content-With front stage they behave nicely. It's in subconsciousness of individuals that they have to behave a certain way in public. At interview- they smile, but is this who they are?
🟥 Looking-glass Self https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UWOflUXKUQ
It is often said that American Beauty is a film about identity. Each character seems to go through a very personal identity crisis. But I would argue that this crisis are not personal at all. They are products of wider social forces. We may define ourselves based on prevailing attitudes towards sexuality, beauty and material success. Sense of self strongly influences by social world.
🟥 American Beauty Film Analysis: The Sociology of Identity https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6youJFbEgQ
Ricky shows Jane that he likes her as she is. Eventually this leads her abandoning the idea of surgery and gain enough confidence and self-esteem to tell Angela what she really thinks of her. Freed from idea that everyone looks down on he because of her physical appearance, Jane's sense of self is no longer defined how she looks, how she looks to others.
🟥 American Beauty Film Analysis: The Sociology of Identity https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6youJFbEgQ
An individual realize its self by reflecting others' perceptions about him. They use social interactions as a mirror. A Person grows and develop due to interpersonal interactions of the Society. When one interacts socially, one completely considers how one looks in the eyes of others. Negative response leads to depression and anxiety.
🟥 Looking Glass Self Theory https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAzsBj6yTpw
Looking Glass Self where you see yourself the way you think others see you. You can't see the way others truly see you. So you're seeing yourself they way you think others think they see you. You can see how much is lost in the translation. You're much more beautiful than you think. You attract so much more than you know. There's more going on with you than you care to acknowledge. Beauty is not about what you see. It's about what you reflect. 🟥 Looking Glass Self https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFEkq8uDiJU
Mirror in front of you, and you are looking at yourself in the mirror, the way it is – is mirror in reality. As Masha labels you, tells you, comments on you, provides you all kinds of feedback, your self continues to develop. The way society perceives you and gives feedback about you. It is considered important to yourself and you have that impression that is how I should be. Their significance or importance makes you proud.
🟥 Looking Glass Self https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xa-PD1YVxj4
There is something you have never understood, Joe. These people at the top, they are the same as anybody else. But you had it inside of you to be so much bigger than any of them. You just had to be yourself. That was all. With me you were yourself. Only with me. Room at the Top (1958) https://youtu.be/Cs1C_Tu2crI

Compromise
First Prev
“Alright, so uh...” Alex picked the last larva out of the bowl and ate it. A burst of umami and the unexpected taste of alcohol. Now that it had soaked up some of the spice from the broth, it was pretty good. Not particularly flavorful, but a better eating experience than he would expect from a grub. “Why did Eleya put two towns into a warship?”
“I do not know.” Carbon was less fussy about the variety of ingredients presented, eating without playing favorites. It was what she’d picked out when pressed to recommend something for him, and the speed of the devastation she was enacting on what had been a bowl nearly filled to the brim said that it was actually a personal favorite. “I had heard some suggesting converting retired Naval ships into housing, using a decommissioned carrier as a space station once it could be towed into a proper location. Swapping out launch bays for community towers is not a long bridge.”
“That seems...” It seemed desperate. But given what he’d seen, desperate was where they had been in the weeks following the disaster. Where they still were, even if things were improving.
Were things improving?
“Born out of desperation, yes.” She closed her eyes for a moment. “We did not have many colonies, we had not built so many stations. We only kept old ships for parts as another means of efficiency in our fleets. There had been hundreds of thousands in transit all over the Empire at the time. On their way home, on their way to relieve others who now no longer had a home to return to.”
“Yeah, that-” He shifted some of the shredded cabbage-potato around his bowl, trying to figure out what to say. The ‘that sucks’ he had stopped himself from blurting out felt offensively inadequate. “That does present a huge challenge. Did they end up bringing ships online for that?”
“Oh, we did everything. Any idea that was not completely untenable got the blue light. Repurposing ships, building sealed micro-arcologies on less habitable planets, mining out sufficiently large asteroids, asking the Confederation for help. I saw one proposal that suggested an inflatable space station. I thought it was a completely deranged idea.” She paused and picked up the bowl, slurping out some of the broth. “Then Humans arrive to bring aid, and do you know what the first structure they brought with them was?”
“An inflatable space station.” He saw that coming. Everyone - well, everyone who was sufficiently interested in space ships - would recognize the Redoubt class from that description alone. The very definition of form following function, each ship was little more than a central cylinder with hard points for a dozen habitat modules, and engines bolted to one end. Light, fast, cheap. Once deployed, you had a small space station that could be packed up when you were done. Old technology, sure, but they were everywhere, and the configuration options were extensive.
“Exactly. Forgive me, but I laughed. I knew the intent was to help, but having seen that proposal just weeks before...” She smiled and laughed despite having just apologized for such a thing.
“No I get it, it’s a goofy looking ship.” He could see the humor in the situation as well. Having gone from ‘this is too dangerous’ to ‘of course the Humans brought one’ was pretty funny. It put a smirk on his face and got him close to laughing along with her. “Probably used it as a command post until something heavier arrived. Kind of the primary use case for those in Search and Rescue, which is what I think the aid mission was first considered.”
“I was not involved with that aspect of recovery operations, but it stands to reason.” She set her utensils aside in a very specific way, sliding the bowl towards the end of the table. “I cannot tell you why they put all these people here. My first guess would be that it was a somewhat straightforward swap. The bays are very securely attached to the structure, but they are intended to be removed and replaced. It would be important that Eleya use her ship as a proof of concept.”
“Royals lead?” Seemed the logical jump.
Carbon nodded. “The Sword is recognized as her flagship. It is named after her. The Stronghold is based heavily on the Imperial Palace in Ama’o - may it rest. Taking in civilians, thousands of them, is hard proof that she is not simply hiding in here. Having the senate on board also brings with it the need for support staff, creating a symbiotic relationship. It is... a good compromise.”
“Okay, wait. How is The Sword of the Morning Light named after Eleya?” That legitimately confused him. “All I know is the -ya suffix is feminine.”
“Another name mauled by your automatic translation, though this time it is a portion of the Empress’ full formal titles.” She gave him a pointed look, a little smirk hiding on the side of her muzzle. “The strictest translation would be ‘the sword that is used to cut back the night,’ but that is even worse. If I were doing translations and feeling poetic, perhaps I would call it Dawnsword. It would convey the meaning of the name well enough, I think, without being verbose.”
“Then why do you call it the Sword like we do?” He figured just using the actual Tsla name would be easy enough if Dawnsword was a better translation.
“When in Rome.” Carbon snickered. “The Confederate systems I was working with before leaving for the Haultain were not set up to handle Tsla, and none of the Humans I spoke to recognized the name when I said it, so it became a force of habit.”
“Ah, that’d do it.” He’d ask about the actual name another time - it being one of Eleya’s titles felt like a natural transition to learning the rest of her titles, and he didn’t give a single damn about doing that right now.
“Alright, Eleya needs places to put people, and a place to put a temporary capital until the new location can be properly sorted. Two birds with one stone, I suppose. Wouldn’t staying at Schoen be more of the... leader thing to do?”
“If she were to stay here beyond the end of this endeavor, perhaps so. For now, having this ship - and its civilians - as a base of operations, in what even we consider to be one of the most secure solar systems, is reasonable. Most governing at that level has been done remotely since before the disaster, so it doesn’t impede anything.” She paused to sip her tea. “No one needs a senator to be on site anyway. Their presence traditionally just interferes with real work.”
That did get a laugh out of Alex. “The more things change.”
“The more they stay the same, yes?” She said with a grin.
“It is so. All right, mystery of the Dawnsword’s surprise towns is put to rest.” He stopped talking as Haraya came out of the woodwork to remove Carbon’s dishes, bustling away with even less stiffness than before. Why did he feel like he was forgetting something? “Heck. Did... Did anyone tell you we have an appointment to see a designer about our uh, our insignia?”
“No, but my communicator has been going off like I am being told something like that.” Carbon laughed and leaned back into her chair, fishing the slim black device from her jacket, the screen coming on.
Alex was not intentionally staring at his wife’s abdomen as he pushed the bowl away and set his chopsticks out like she had done. “Zenshen said it was this afternoon.”
“Mmh, afternoon. Another curious translation.” She teased him gently, flicking items off her screen one by one. “Neya says it is with Aetena Lyshen, at three. He has stated that his schedule is open today, and we may come in earlier if we so desire. Oh. How unexpected.”
Three o'clock, Tsla’o time, was probably like a solid five or six hours away. Plenty of time to have a deeply personal conversation about what Neya had told him. Or, perhaps, just go talk to the guy sooner. It wasn’t like he was putting it off... but he was putting it off for now. “What’s up?”
“Neya contacted the Colonel to make sure that Zenshen was attached to your detail properly - it turns out she was. You are both already on the artifact project, so it was just a slight shift of duties. The Empress went through appropriate channels, and Lehnan agrees with her decision.” She glanced up at him as she processed that. “I did not expect it to be so proper.”
“She is trying to turn over a new leaf, at least as far as you are concerned. Ensuring I have the help to not fuck things up, and doing it properly, could be a part of that.” He managed to make it sound like a statement, even though it was very much a question. Did his insistence that Eleya needed to start following through on her words actually sink in?
“It is possible. She will need to do more than fill out a little paperwork to prove herself.”
“Yeah, obviously. It’s just that you seemed surprised, so I was left with the impression that was unusual.”
Carbon stared down at the phone in her hands. “I do not know. From what I have seen, she will normally adhere to formal channels. But in the past, when it has come to dealings with me, she has not. Relied on her word being law to make things happen.”
Like making it legal to marry a Human. Changed who knows how much legal history with a stroke of a pen, to unfold some new machinations. “Zenshen made it sound like she was mostly there to act as a buffer between me and the military, keep me from offending anyone. Which strikes me as Eleya looking after her investment.”
“That is a reasonable assumption. I fear she has more intent sunk into you than we can see, so...” She also stopped talking when their waitress returned for Alex’s dishes, giving the young woman a warm smile. “Perhaps it really is.”
Alex, being privy to at least one plan that Carbon was unaware of, instantly did not want to comment on that. “Like you say, it lies with her to prove... herself good.”
“So it does.” Carbon smiled at his butchering of their turn of phrase before glancing down at her communicator again. “All right. Do you have any further plans for this morning?”
“Not a one. Want to push up the meeting with Lyshen? For that matter, do we have any plans tonight?”
“I do want to get that done. Designers can be particular. Best to get started sooner, and also have a meal that we can excuse ourselves for without appearing rude.” She smirked, displaying a little bit of the knowledge she had accumulated growing up in an elevated class, and started tapping away at the screen with both thumbs. “As for this evening, nothing that Neya has made me aware of.”
“Sounds good to me.” Left the evening open to actually have a sit down with Neya, perfect. “Oh shit, that reminds me. Neya wants us to bring her breakfast.”
“Does she. Very upset about not being able to come along?” The tone she had said that Carbon was familiar with Neya pretending to be put out by that, as did the barely hidden smile and tiny little snort of a laugh.
“Absolutely heartbroken.” He played along. “I had to promise that we’d get her something this morning and that you’d make breakfast again tomorrow.”
“Mh. We will see who is making breakfast when the time comes, but I will have something sent to her and we will proceed to our appointment.” She flipped through the applications on her phone and started typing something else out. “There.”
Carbon slipped the slim black screen back into her jacket and stood, stretching a little bit before walking over to the end of the bar, Haraya hustling out to meet them with a small device like the one Carbon had used to pay in the other little restaurant. She set her palm down on it, it processed for a moment and played a happy little tune.
“Thank you both, it was an honor to serve you.” Haraya bowed again now that the transaction was done.
“You did well, thank you.” Carbon said it in Tsla as she returned the bow, glancing over at Alex to ensure he was doing the same thing.
“Sa meha.” He was. Paying attention to what Carbon was doing was getting him pretty far, as was having memorized how to say ‘thank you’ in Tsla.
They turned to leave, but Haraya spoke again before they could take a step. Quiet, and very timid. “May I ask you a question?”
Carbon didn’t even think about it as she looked back. “Of course.”
“I was mostly asking the prince, I am very sorry.” She looked just this side of terrified to be correcting a Royal.
“Oh yeah, shoot.” Alex caught himself speaking in English way too late. He pursed his lips and inhaled, just barely preventing himself from rolling his eyes at that little faux pas. Based on what Carbon had said about Haraya getting her information about how nobles work from movies, she would have interpreted that as aimed at her. He queued up a very quick reply. “Please do.”
“After you left, last night.” She glanced over at the bartender, who was not paying them any attention at all. “Adana kept saying a strange word, I assume it to be Human - untranslatable.”
The irony of the translator not being able to digest something in English was not lost on Alex. What had he said to the kid?
Carbon, meanwhile, thought it was hilarious. “It is actually two words, a phrase. Oh, busted. In this case I believe it means that he got caught doing something he should not have been doing.” She laughed, looking up at Alex with a grin.
Haraya’s relief at how this turned out was immediately visible. She was still tense, but didn’t look like she might have just caught an execution. “Adana likes to play with the door controls. They beep and flash, and he can activate the viewscreen... And open the door. That is what he was doing when he found the prince in the hallway, when he should have been in bed. It is not an offensive term?”
“Et.” Alex shook his head no. Score another point for knowing the basics.
“It is as he says. A harmless statement.” Carbon picked up the slack from Alex trying not to advertise that he spoke their language yet. She looked over to him again. “Perhaps used to tease a friend when they get caught out?”
He nodded as sagely as he could, a smirk barely suppressed as he caught that shade she was directing at him.
“His mother will be so glad. She has been concerned it was some kind of swearing, or something worse. I told her that the prince had been kind in my interaction with him, but she was-” Haraya exhaled sharply, wide brown eyes darting between them with a hint of that fear creeping back in. “She was afraid despite that.”
“Ah. If that does not settle her, please get in contact with me.” She pulled her communicator out, swiping along the screen for a moment and holding it out to the young woman. “We can arrange a meeting to clear anything up.”
She looked down at a swirling orange circle on Carbon’s phone, “I am not allowed to carry my- May I get it?”
“Of course.” Carbon smiled.
Alex lowered his voice as Haraya hustled away. “You sure giving her your number is a good idea?”
“No. But she is earnest and correct in her assessment of you.” She shook her head, her words quiet and sharp. “That boy learned a simple phrase, and his mother thinks it is a curse? I know why she did. I have met my own people. I think a gentle nudge may be in order to prevent it from being passed along.”
“When you say gentle nudge...”
She held a hand out to ease his concern. “I was thinking tea.”
Haraya returned, phone in hand and followed by an older, grumpy looking male dressed in the same natural fiber clothes save for a vibrant red scarf around his neck, voice raised as he tried to keep up with the excited teen. “You may not use your-”
“Akai.” Alex gave what he assumed was a manager a needlessly cheery greeting with a little wave of his fingers. Oh man, he had loved being a shit to managers when he was younger, particularly if they were on a power trip. The opportunity hadn’t presented itself recently, and the urge to abuse the power that he allegedly had now was so tempting.
“Floor boss!” Carbon was a step ahead of him, greeting the gray male in their own language loud enough to draw his attention away from their waitress. “What is it that I may not use?”
Alex’s translator sat unused for several seconds as the sounds that guy made never made it past shocked guttural noises, the realization of who he’d been yelling in the general direction of sinking in. Haraya was too busy getting Carbon’s contact information to notice, or might have just been ignoring this exchange as hard as the bartender was.
“It was- My words- Did not for you.” He held up his hands and backed away.
“Ah, a simple misunderstanding?” Carbon offered him as the phone dinged complete, and she slipped it back into her jacket.
“Yes, of course.” Couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
Haraya bowed again as she hid her communicator, the same black rectangle that Carbon and Alex appeared to have. “Thank you. I hope I will not have to contact you, but that you have offered...”
“The prince has shown me who he is, what is in his heart... It will not do to have anyone doubting his character.” Carbon smiled and returned the bow.
Alex followed suit.
The fear in her eyes was gone, and if anything there was a little bit of admiration in there now as she thanked them again, quietly, before running off to whatever her next duty was.
They left the same way they had come in, through the main dining area. The crowd had shifted, some groups gone, new ones in their place. Conversations to fill boredom, meals he didn’t recognize being consumed at every pace conceivable. Once again, he was pretty sure this was his kind of joint.
It only took the gentlest of questions to get Carbon talking about what she’d been doing all morning as they walked back to the tram, riding all the way to the stop closest to the bow this time. Alex was only slightly familiar about what she was talking about - had something to do with preventative maintenance checks on one of the shuttles. It was interesting to find out they had developed a very similar system to what he was used to, checking in on functionality after so many hours of use.
He didn’t understand the majority of what she was describing, but he enjoyed listening to her talk about things with such enthusiasm.
Lyshen’s office was easily the furthest forward he had been on the ship yet. Took the elevator up to deck 20 and then just walked towards the bow for another five minutes. He must have been as close as one could get to the plate armor and whatever buffer they put between it and the habitable areas. It seemed almost entirely unused - he was sure some of the bulkheads had dust on them.
For Alex, there were two potential reasons for this. Aetena Lyshen preferred the solitude of the area. It was actually very quiet, even compared to the hall in front of their cabin. Or, he had pissed someone off and gotten banished to a spot as far away as possible.
Whichever option, Lyshen had put some work into his workspace. The door was ringed in a delicate gold filigree, a lacework of glittering geometric shapes with his name and title contained in a small banner above the door. They were meeting with a Royal Artisan.
Carbon tapped the door controls and it slides open almost instantly. The young woman with light red fur inside is dressed nearly as formally as they had been last night, though in muted grays. She bows. Not too deep. “Welcome, the Chief Artisan is preparing for your arrival. It should be just a few minutes.”
Chief Artisan. Well. Alex shot Carbon a sidelong glance as the receptionist turned and they followed her through a waiting room. A simple rectangular area, with a few upholstered chairs and benches scattered around. It was the most Human looking area he’d been in so far.
The far wall caught his eye as they walked through, windows looking into a workshop. Alex walked over, the large floor beyond housing a dozen or so Tsla’o, all seated at desks or workbenches, engrossed in whatever they were working on. Almost to the last, they were using hand tools.
Alex had never really seen craftsmen up close, doing their thing. In movies, or videos, sure. But not right here a few steps away, carefully engraving some sort of... Breastplate? Cuirass? Big chunk of metal that looked like it went over the chest.
“I believe that is yours.” Carbon stepped up next to him, a smirk in her voice as she leaned against his shoulder. “To go with your gauntlets, and the rest of the armor that is no doubt being fabricated.”
“What makes you say that?” How could she pick that up from looking at it for, what, three or four seconds?
“Consider the size.” She nodded at it, the artist working on it laying out a star near the shoulder. “Who else would wear such a piece?”
“Huh.” Compared to the guy who was doing the work, it wasn’t exactly massive, but he would need a lot of padding to wear that. This raised a few questions for him about the ethics of receiving such gifts. But he wasn’t a politician... Not as far as the Confederation was concerned. “I guess it is.”
They stood in silence and watched work progress. A woman in the back was carving something, perhaps a chair leg. One guy in the corner making hinges with an induction forge and a tiny, specialized anvil.
Before long, the secretary approached them again. “The Chief Artisan is prepared for you now. Please.” She gestured to the only door that went somewhere other than the corridor.
The Chief Artisan was sitting behind his desk, wearing an outfit similar to his receptionist, pale green eyes switching back and forth between two screens. The primary one was built into the desk, and had been jury rigged to a Human made laptop that sat on top of it, a rat’s nest of cables connecting the two. There was a holoprojector built into the desk, a jumble of images floating over it. He waved them in and gestured to the chairs across from him, “Please, sit.”
Alex was quick to oblige, glad to be just some guy for the moment. Carbon didn’t seem to mind either, taking the seat beside him without a word. Aetena was the first green Tsla’o Alex had seen, sort of a dark forest green with jade stripes visible on his neck. Apparently a bit of a rarity given how often he saw the other colors on the ship.
“I am sorry to keep you waiting, the connection to your Solanet has gone down. Despite that, I believe I have enough saved locally to begin the process.” Lyshen trailed off, lost between the two displays before closing a dozen images from the holo. He picked a pen up from the table and arranged the remaining pictures neatly, four different coats of arms that claimed to belong to a Sorenson. The red enamel barrel blurred into an arc as he spun the pen in his fingers, voice picking up speed as he locked on to Alex. “There is a large amount of heraldry available for your surname, do you know which coat of arms belongs to your particular family?”
There was a deer, a deer head, a rearing horse and a weird shaped star. Maybe it was a flower, or a drip of paint. They were all surrounded by leaves and the occasional knight’s helmet. Alex wasn’t sure what any of it meant and up until now, he’d never even thought about it. Knights and damsels in distress had never really been his thing. “Uh, can’t say that I do, no.”
“Mmh. What geographic region does your lineage trace back to? I could find no significant references to the Berkley Soresons on your Solanet.” He leaned back and the pen continued to trace crimson circles in his hand.
“The name comes from Europe, but the last couple of generations have lived in California, and America before that for who knows how long... We’re from a little bit of everywhere.” It was an inside joke with the family, which had ties back into nearly every corner of the globe at this point. Now they had a relative from somewhere way off the globe as well.
That puzzled Aetena, ears flicking as he turned back to the Human screen and picked over the keyboard slowly. He didn’t like what he found. “All of these originate from the continent of Europe. Do you happen to know which country?”
“No, I’m not sure. Had an uncle do the family tree thing once, but between the civil wars and The Collapse, the lineage got spotty about a hundred years ago.” Alex wasn’t really into the whole ancestry thing once you got outside of living relatives. It was novel, sure, but right now all he really wanted to do was ask if he could borrow that Solanet access when it came back up. The rest of the ship had access to the Confed’s milnet, which tightly restricted what he could be sending across it - he just wanted to download a couple of movies and some music, but milnet barely overlapped with the wider public network.
Lyshen set his hand down and the pen switched back and forth like a metronome, clicking on his desk at the end of each arc. He closed his eyes for a moment, jaw working silently before he closed the images and started pulling up new ones. “Perhaps we should move on to other aspects of this endeavor. As I have been told that you wish to integrate Tsla’o and Human cultures in your marriage, I had intended to blend the existing Tshalan sigil with some of the Sorenson family heraldry. I thought it would be best to use the gear-star surround from the Princess’ family crest as a base to build from. Something that is immediately familiar to Tsla’o, to put the viewer at ease. As it is indicative of starship commands, exploration and the outer colonies, it will solidly represent both of you and the way you met.”
Alex raised an eyebrow at Carbon, “sound reasonable?” He had no idea if it was or not, but it did sound like it. Also, if they were serious about integrating parts of Tsla’o and Human cultures, they needed to actually get on that.
“Yes. I agree, that would be a good place to start.”
“Thank you.” He busied himself bringing up a few more pictures, rough combinations of the ten point gear-star and the various items from the Sorenson crests, bits of decoration and detail work.
The door chimed behind them and Lyshen stopped with a sharp glare. He eyed the clock and sighed, a whispered curse under his breath before he set his pen down and straightened up. “Come.”
There was a soldier partially concealed behind the door, the rank plate on his uniform loaded with details, not that Alex could read them yet. He swept the room with a rifle as he entered, the short barrel ending up pointed just a hair under Alex’s sternum. A pair of soldiers took up positions on either side of the door and covered him, a few more lined up in the waiting room.
When he spoke, it was crisp and authoritative. “Please back away from the Human.”
 
First Prev
*****
Never a dull moment on that ship.
Art pile: Carbon reference sheet. Art by Tyo_Dem

Special thanks to u/SpacePaladin15 for creating the NoP universe.
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I'd also like to thank u/xskipy10 for their awesome fanart of the main cast as well as their recent Tohba meme and their fanart of Michael baysitting. You're work is a treasure!
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Thank you as well to u/Accomplished-Golf-59 for his take on Michael, Teylim, and Tohba in his submission for the Banner Art Contest, and u/Spacer_Catgirl4969 for their awesome music video featuring a pixel-art Dohkar in his bar. Be sure to give ALL of these awesome creators your love and support.
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And let's not forget u/Guywhoexists2812 who has been an awesome source of memes as well as sick pixel art, such as THIS and THIS!!!! And even THIS!!!!!! And how could I forget THIS!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much!
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Today, we join Khornel and Michael as they prepare for yet another protest show as they continue the fight against those abusing their power. LETTUCE...conclude...for now...
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First
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Previous
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Songs Mentioned/Used: Gives You Hell by The All American Rejects
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Memory Transcript Subject: Khornel, Krakotl Talent Manager Date:[Standardized Human Time] February 2, 2137
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Aaaand DONE!
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I turned my head from side to side, inspecting my handiwork. While I still wasn’t QUITE as good at it as Ms. Teylim, touching up my feather dye was becoming easier and easier with practice. I’d even experimented a bit this time, and I was really liking how it turned out.
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If only this crappy mirror wasn’t so smudgy.
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Regardless of the state of the motel’s bathroom mirror, I was satisfied with the way I looked. My blue and newly touched up orange feathers were complimenting each other perfectly. And the slight hint of pink along the border definitely helped the whole spectrum of colors come together.
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Perfect.
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Once I was out of the bathroom, I sat down on the bed I was sharing and went through my bag to make sure I had everything.
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Pad? Check!
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Client contracts? Check!
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Pens? Check!
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Extra pair of glasses in case he forgets…again…
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Check!
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Credits for the fare? Eeeehhh, we can walk.
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Other than that though, I had everything.
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“Hey… Khorry?”
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My crest perked up at the voice. I turned around to see Scolina working at the small table in the kitchen area.
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“Yeah? What’s up?”
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“Sorry… I know you’re about to leave, but could you…help me with this?”
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I gave her a reassuring smile as I came over. Looking at the page she was working on, it seemed she’d gotten stuck on one of the problems for her math courses. Since she hadn’t received any education in the facility, she had a lot to catch up on, especially considering she was only a cycle younger than me.
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“Oh, I see the problem. You were right to divide both sides of the equation here, but the problem is when you tried, you accidentally wrote the fraction upside down. Since you’re dividing the zero by something else, it should be on top.”
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“So when I accidentally put it on the bottom-“
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“You created an irrational loop because-“
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“You can’t divide by zero.”
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Scolina cradled her head in her paws, continuing to stare down at her homework.
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“Thanks, Khorry. Sorry I’m so dumb.”
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“Hey! Don’t you ever say that about yourself! You’re not dumb, ‘Lina. You’re just behind, and that isn’t your fault.”
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“But…but I-“
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“Listen, if I had a credit for every time I made a dumb mistake in just these past few months alone, we wouldn’t need to live here. Making mistakes doesn’t make you dumb, it just means you’re learning.”
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She sniffled a bit before wiping away at her with her arm, the small pink sleeve that covered her scar soaking up any tears that were forming.
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“Thanks, Khorry.”
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I bent down and draped my wings around my sister, giving her a nice warm hug. After everything, while she DID have a very touching reunion with her father, the absence of her mother and the introduction of Trivah, Dailo, and Trilly was a bit too much change to deal with all at once.
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So we all decided that she’d stay with us for now until she’d adjusted a bit. It was odd at first, to be sure, but I liked having her here. Grandfather adored her and I had to admit, having a little sister, at least unofficially, was something I was definitely warming up to.
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“Always happy to help. Now, I’ll be working late tonight so be sure to get both yourself and grandfather to bed at a decent time, alright?”
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“Okay. Bye-bye, Khorry.”
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“Bye-bye, hatchling.”
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I ran my beak through her head fur, preening out a small tangle and freeing a spine that was loose. Once I’d disposed of it, I turned to head out the door, but not before stopping at the other bed, where Grandfather was sat, listening to the radio. His expression instantly brightened as he heard me coming.
​
“Off to change the world again, Little ‘Nel?”
​
“I’m gonna try.”
​
“I know you will.”
​
I knelt down and gave him his hug as well. I missed this. After so long without him, every hug was a nostalgic treasure.
​
“And I’m not little anymore!”
​
“Perhaps not, but you’ll always be MY Little ‘Nel.”
​
“I know, Grandfather. I’ll be sure to make you proud out there.”
​
“You already do, my child. Now go. And be sure to tell that future Grandson-in-law of mine to run a comb through his head fur from time to time. I can’t even see and I can tell how scruffy he looks.”
​
I pulled away as felt my face turn warm, adding a splash of purple to the spectrum of color on my face.
​
“It’s not like that! WE’RE not like that! …Not yet, anyways…”
​
“Well, then tell him to hurry it up already! I want great grandpups before I die!”
​
CAW! CRAW!
​
“GRRRRGH!! NOPE! Not having this conversation! Goodbye! Love you!”
​
“Love you too! Best of luck today!”
​
“Bye-bye, Khorry!”
​
I barely heard the taunts of my family behind me as I stomped out the door and slammed it. After taking a moment to settle my feathers back down, I walked down the hall to the next door over.
​
Knock knock knock!
​
“It’s open!”
​
My mood instantly brightened from the kind, muffled, voice inside the room. I opened the door and was immediately greeted by the sight of Ms. Teylim making a meal, along with her adorable hatchling excitedly bouncing in his high chair.
​
“Khornel, dear!”
​
“NEWWY!!!”
​
I walked over at a brisk pace before kneeling down to give them both hugs.
​
“Where’s Michael?”
​
“He should be-“
​
SLAM!!!
​
“Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Lost track of time!”
​
I couldn’t help but roll my eyes as my scatterbrained best friend and business partner sprinted into the kitchen area and quickly grabbed a slice of strayu from the table.
​
“You ALWAYS lose track of time!”
​
As much as I wanted to scold him for not being ready by the time I got here AGAIN, we didn’t have the time.
​
“Let’s just get moving before we’re late.”
​
“Right! Let’s go!”
​
However, just as we were about to leave…
​
“Ahem. Forgetting something, my joey?”
​
Michael looked up for a moment and frantically began checking his pockets before looking back at Ms. Teylim. Her smug look said it all. After a quick facepalm, he immediately jogged back to the kitchen area and knelt down to give her a goodbye hug, as well as a peck on the cheek for good measure. Lucky…
​
“Muah! Bye, Ma! Love you!”
​
“Be careful!”
​
“We will!”
​
Once he broke free from the hug, he made one last side trip to Tohba’s high chair, already going to plant a kiss on the top of his head. Again, lucky…
​
“MIKEY!”
​
“Mmmmmmm-“
​
“HEEHYEHAHAHA! TICKWES!!”
​
“-mmmMUAH! Bye-bye, Bud! ¡Te amo!”
​
“BYE-BYE, MIKEY!!”
​
With his goodbye hugs and kisses out of the way he made his way over to me…
​
My turn?!
​
…Only to run right past me and out the door.
​
Awwwe… Phooey…
​
Dejected as I was, I chased after him and down the hall.
​
“What?! I don’t get a kiss, too?!”
​
“Buy me dinner first, Bird Brain!”
​
“UGH!! You’re the WORST!!”
​
Memory Transcript Subject: Dohkar, Venlil Militia Leader Date:[Standardized Human Time] February 2, 2137
​
“COMMANDER ON DECK!”
​
STOMP!
​
My four brothers stood in a line in front of the bar, still as statues as I came down the stairs. I still wasn’t sure how to feel about most of them. While I left, they all stayed, and continued fighting for The Guild even when they knew what they were doing was wrong.
​
Still, I knew these men. They all trained with me, ate with me, stood by me…grew up with me, and now, they stood here, ready to fight with me. While I could never forgive them for standing by while the people I loved suffered, I am willing to let them prove they’re willing to change.
​
“At ease.”
​
I marched in front of them, inspecting each to make sure their garb and gear was in order. In some ways, it resembled their old Guild uniforms minus any actual environmental protection. However, instead of chrome, we wore the same white coloration of the APCs that had broken through the Guild Offices walls. Black boots, gloves and bandoliers offset the white of our suits. And finally, five stripes of bright, blazing, blue accented our new badges, reminiscent of not only the blue helmets of the UN troops that fought by our sides, but also the eyes of a particular human musician, one I was looking forward to hearing sing again.
​
“Alright men, in order for this rally to go smoothly, we need to be on our guard. My most recent talks with Tevis didn’t go quite as well as I’d hoped, but I did manage to get him to leave us be for the most part. While we WILL still have to deal with the Interim Guard being there, they won’t be coming nearly as armed or numerous as usual. They’re simply there to observe, nothing more. Keep your eyes on them, but don’t do anything rash, or let any of the civilians do so either.”
​
I turned and marched down the line once more. While I was itching to move onto individual orders, there was the Mazik in the room to address.
​
“Now, I know many of us are shaken by news of the archives on Talsk. Believe me, I am too, but that’s all the more reason for us to stay vigilant. The people are afraid, confused, and questioning everything. The Magistrate, on top of their normal nonsense, will be that much more desperate to keep control. It is our job to be the barrier between the people we serve, and those willing to use this crisis to exploit them. There will come a time to rest and collect our thoughts, but now is not that time. The people need us. This town needs us, and until that is no longer the case, we MUST remain strong.”
​
“SIR!”
​
Once I was at the end of the line again, I turned back around and began giving out individual orders, starting with-
​
“Bennic, out of everyone else in the squad, you’re currently the one with the best rapport with the people. I’m having you in charge of evacuation in case something goes wrong. Keep your eyes peeled for escape routes and be ready to begin herding everyone together at a moment’s notice.”
​
“Yes, sir.”
​
Next in line was Abra, our weapon specialist. Out of everyone, he was our best shot, even better than me. But he ALSO had one of the itchiest flamer fingers among us as well.”
​
“Abra, have you already made sure everyone’s gear is working properly?”
​
“Yes, sir. Every sidearm, baton, and smoke bomb we have is cleaned, checked, and functional.”
​
“Good, then I just want you to stay vigilant. Find some higher ground and keep an extra close eye on the Interim. The moment one of them tries something funny, I want to know.”
​
“And if they try harming the civilians?”
​
I furrowed my brow at him. I knew what he was getting at.
​
“Aim for NON-lethal, and make sure you have proof that THEY were the aggressors first.”
​
He gave a dejected chuff before responding.
​
“Yes, sir…”
​
What am I going to do with you, little brother?
​
Next was Ento, probably the only other Yotul here in town other than Teylim and Tohba, were they still here.
​
“Ento, were you able to make your last diagnostics check on the sound equipment last paw.”
​
“Yep! Everything on our end was working perfectly last I checked. We’ll still have to wait until they try connecting to know for sure, though.”
​
“Do everything you can to make sure it works. Leave the Interim and civilians to us.”
​
“Yes, sir!”
​
Finally, there was our medic, Canuck. Besides Bennic, this Zurulian was probably the one I was closest with growing up, if only because I’d always get the brunt of Albiel’s punishments when I’d stand up for the others, and it was usually Canuck patching me up.
​
“Canuck, in the case of an emergency, I want you to return to Dr. Forrik’s clinic. Since he’s still caring for his wife, I need you there getting everything ready in case something happens.”
​
“You sure you lot will be alright without me there?”
​
“We’ll be fine. The clinic will need you more than we will.”
​
“Yes, sir.”
​
With one last turn, I inspected my squad one last time.
​
“One last question.”
​
“What is it, Ben?”
​
“What about our…junior recruit?”
​
I sighed and looked back towards the staircase leading upstairs, just in time to catch a pair of suspiciously Nevok-shaped ears dip back from around the corner. I made sure to speak loud enough for him to hear me.
​
“He is to stay here and hold the fort. And he should bear in mind, I don’t just let ANYONE watch over MY bar. This is a large responsibility I’m trusting him with, and I trust he won’t let me down.”
​
The ears reappeared and solemnly nodded before retreating back up the stairs. Once I was sure my point was made, I turned back to my squad.
​
“Alright, if that’s all, we’ve got protestors to escort! Let’s move out!”
​
“SIR!”
​
Memory Transcript Subject: Khornel, Krakotl Talent Manager Date:[Standardized Human Time] February 2, 2137
​
The Soulroot tram station was surprisingly bustling. I half-expected the place to be a ghost town like most places were after Cilani’s interview. But with the news breaking about the Farsul’s archives breaking, it seemed the people of Soulroot were out and about more than ever, either flocking to the many churches and chapels in the area, or simply deciding to pray at the Soulroot itself for answers…any answers.
​
“Damn. I always forget just how big that thing is.”
​
Speak of the devil…
​
We both gazed out the window of the tram car as it passed through the massive central park area of the city. In its exact center, dwarfing even the buildings surrounding the large, wooded park, was the city’s namesake: Kihri, The Soulroot. One of five massive Seraphim Trees spread across Venlil Prime.
​
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”
​
“Yeah. I can’t believe it was so close. I would’ve loved to have visited here.”
​
“Maybe we will when we have time.”
​
“I hope so.”
​
Once we passed the park, we turned back around and returned to our pads. He was working on another instrumental while I decided to pull up our current client list. I suddenly remembered something as soon as the list loaded and I saw the newest addition.
​
“Oh! By the way! I got us a new client!”
​
“Oh, sick! Who are they?”
​
“A restaurant in the next district over. It’s called The Lackadaisy. It IS an hour-long tram ride there, but it pays well, AND I got us a few perks as well.”
​
“OoooOOOoo! Like?”
​
“Like us getting to eat AND take out half off on the paws we play there. It might not be dinner, but I’d say half off lunch and take out once a week isn’t half bad.”
​
“You da bird, ‘Nel. When do we start?”
​
“You are scheduled to play during the lunch rush in two paws. We are to enter through the back entrance and meet with co-owners Sylvon and Kenta.”
​
“Sylvon and Kenta. Got it!”
​
Now approaching: Five Meadows
​
“This is our stop.”
​
We knew the tram wouldn’t take us all the way there. The Magistrate’s lockdown had seen to that, but that didn’t mean we couldn’t hang out by the border. In fact, the border that separated Soulroot and Five Meadows had become a popular gathering spot for people from both towns to “voice their displeasure”, which was exactly why we were here. With the lockdown of Five Meadows in effect, the war still ongoing, and the news of archives now made public, the people’s opinion of the local Magistrate was at an all time low. It was time to take advantage of that.
​
Once we exited the tram and saw crowds growing on both sides of the fence separating us from our home, we immediately spotted the makeshift soundstage we’d be using, as well as several figures on the other side garbed in white. They only got clearer once we got closer. Michael was even more excited to see them as I was.
​
“Heya Dohk!”
​
Dohkar, dressed in the new uniform of the Five Meadows Militia, greeted us with a warm smile, being sure to stay a decent distance away for the electric fence.
​
“Mike, Feathers, it’s good to see you two are alright.”
​
“Likewise, nice duds by the way. Totally doesn’t make you look like an oompa loompa or anything.”
​
“Watch it, Ape. I’ll have you know it was Trivah who made these.”
​
“Shit! Is she alright?”
​
“She’s fully recovered and here with her family. You’ll forgive me if I don’t call them over. The last thing I want is Trilly and Dailo trying to get through this fence.”
​
“No worries. Just tell them I said hi.”
​
A yotul garbed in the same uniform ran up to Dohkar and greeted us with a nod.
​
“Everything’s set up, you two. Once you're connected, let me know and we’ll do a sound check.”
​
“Right!”
​
Memory Transcript Subject: Michael Ruiz Andrews, Human Street Musician Date:[Standardized Human Time] February 2, 2137
​
Breathe…focus…
​
Sometimes…I wonder if it was all worth it…
​
Breathe…focus…
​
In a lot of ways, life was the same as it was back on Earth. Here I was, stuck in a shitty apartment, well…motel room now, I guess. I still had a shitty landlord that hated my guts. I was still struggling to make ends meet, playing music I wasn’t all that crazy about for people I wasn’t all that crazy about. I still didn’t have any real direction to take my life in, or any real plans for the future. So…was it worth it?
​
Breathe…focus…
​
I’d lost almost everything I had. I lost my guitar, the only real thing I had to remind me of Dad, and everything he taught me. I lost pretty much all of my possessions. Hell, the only reason I had new clothes to use at all was thanks to the human embassy here in Soulroot. I lost my home a second time, just days after finally bringing myself to start calling it that. I even almost lost my life. My scar still itches from time to time just thinking about it. So…was it really worth it? Remembering all the pain, suffering, heartache, and loss I’d been through in these past few months, sometimes I really question it.
​
Breathe…focus…
​
But then…then I remember the GOOD times. I remember all the people I’ve met, all the songs and memories we’ve made together.
​
Breathe…focus…
​
I remember meeting Mom, and my baby brother. I remember singing for them for the first time. I remember sitting and eating breakfast with them, talking and laughing the early hours away. I remember watching Tohba and teaching him how to sing, just like Dad taught me. I remember meeting Dohk, his honest words and advice keeping me grounded when the world around me just didn’t make sense. I remember meeting ‘Nel, slowly but surely building a friendship and trust that I wouldn’t give for anything.
​
Hopefully she puts up with me long enough for me to finally be ready.
​
I remember all the strife and challenges I’ve gone through, knowing that I wasn’t alone for any of it. I remember all the things I’ve gained: A life, a family, a mentor, a partner…
​
A home…
​
Breathe…focus…
​
A home worth fighting for.
​
Breathe…focus…
​
A home worth living for.
​
Breathe…focus…
​
A home…worth playing for…
​
So breathe…focus…and play…
​
The speakers come to life with a chill beat, soft snares and shakers keeping the pace as the ambience builds. A triangle marks my entrance as I take over, plucking at Teyrin’s strings. I nod along with the bouncing melody, letting myself get into it. I see a few in the crowd begin swaying along as I begin to let my soul sing.
​
I wake up every evenin’…with a big smile on my face! And it never feels out of place!
​
It’s hard to not grin as I speak, letting the notes express my current mood perfectly. I make sure to give those Interim jerks guarding the border a smug look which they definitely don’t appreciate.
​
And you’re still probably workin’…at a nine-to-five pace! I wonder how bad that tastes!
​
When you see my face, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives you hell!
​
When you walk my way, hope it gives you hell, hope it gives yooou hell!
​
I turn to ‘Nel, standing up on stage singing next to me. There’s no one I’d rather be up here with.
​
Now, where’s your picket fence, Love? And where’s that shiny car? Did it ever get you far?
​
You never seemed so dense, Love! I’ve never seen you fall so hard! Do you know where you are?
​
When I’m up here…and I think about my old life on Earth…
​
And truth be told, I miss you… (Miss you…)
​
And truth be told, I’M LYIN’!!!
​
We turn to the closest Interim chump keeping us from our home.
​
WHEN YOU SEE MY FACE, HOPE IT GIVES YOU HELL! HOPE IT GIVES YOU HELL!
​
WHEN YOU WALK MY WAY, HOPE IT GIVES YOU HELL! HOPE IT GIVES YOOOU HELL!
​
WHEN YOU FIND A MAN THAT’S WORTH A DAMN AND TREATS YOU WELL!
​
THEN HE’S THE FOOL, YOU’RE JUST AS WELL! HOPE IT GIVES YOOOU HELL!
​
I hope it gives you hell!
​
Memory Transcript Subject: Jerrick, Nevok Fugitive Date:[Standardized Human Time] February 2, 2137
​
The mood of the song calmed for a moment. I watched the live broadcast just hoping nothing would happen. Everything going on was just so CRAZY. With the raid, the Magistrate taking over, and now the archives, it just made everything I did in the name of The Guild even more pointless.
​
Tomorrow, you’ll be thinkin’ to yourself, “Yeah, where did it all go wrong?” But the list goes on and on!
​
Everything I did for HIM…pointless…
​
And truth be told, I miss you… (Miss you…)
​
And truth be told, I’M LYIN’!!!
​
I hope you rot, Father…
​
WHEN YOU SEE MY FACE, HOPE IT GIVES YOU HELL! HOPE IT GIVES YOU HELL!
​
WHEN YOU WALK MY WAY, HOPE IT GIVES YOU HELL! HOPE IT GIVES YOOOU HELL!
​
WHEN YOU FIND A MAN THAT’S WORTH A DAMN AND TREATS YOU WELL!
​
THEN HE’S THE FOOL, YOU’RE JUST AS WELL! HOPE IT GIVES YOOOU HELL!
​
Memory Transcript Subject: Michael Ruiz Andrews, Human Street Musician Date:[Standardized Human Time] February 2, 2137
​
A figure stands in my periphery… I know who she is…
​
Now you’ll never see! What you’ve done to me!
​
She’s not my mother…
​
You can take back your memories, they’re no good to me!
​
“You’ll never be rid of me, Blue.” I know…
​
You can hiss all your lies! You can look me in the eyes!
​
With that sad, sad, look that you wear so well!
​
But that just means you get to watch as I live my life without you in it.
​
[Warning!: You Are About To Access Restricted Files: Continue?: Y/N…]
​
[The Following Is A News Broadcast Archived By Magistrate Intelligence…]
​
[The camera opens on a female, human, reporter with green eyes standing in front of an energetic crowd…]
​
“WHEN YOU SEE MY FACE, HOPE IT GIVES YOU HELL!!! HOPE IT GIVES YOU HELL!!!”
​
“AS YOU CAN SEE BEHIND ME, THE “FREE FIVE MEADOWS” RALLY IS WELL UNDER WAY!”
​
“WHEN YOU WALK MY WAY, HOPE IT GIVES YOU HELL!!! HOPE IT GIVES YOU HELL!!!”
​
“AND YOU CAN JUST FEEL THE ENERGY OF THE CROWD HERE!”
​
“WHEN YOU FIND A MAN THAT’S WORTH A DAMN AND TREATS YOU WELL!!!”
​
“ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE FENCE, IT APPEARS THAT THE RUMORED “FIVE MEADOWS MILITIA” ARE ACTUALLY HERE GUARDING THE PROTESTORS!”
​
“THEN HE’S THE FOOL!!! YOU’RE JUST AS WELL!!! HOPE IT GIVES YOU HELL!!!”
​
“HOPEFULLY, WE’LL BE ABLE TO GET AN INTERVIEW! UNTIL THEN, JUST LISTEN TO THIS!!!”
​
Memory Transcript Subject: Michael Ruiz Andrews, Human Street Musician Date:[Standardized Human Time] February 2, 2137
​
Breathe…focus…and ROAR!!!
​
To my old life on Earth!
​
WHEN YOU SEE MY FACE, HOPE IT GIVES YOU HELL! HOPE IT GIVES YOU HELL!
“GIVES YOU HELL!!!”
​
To the Federation killing my people!
​
WHEN YOU WALK MY WAY, HOPE IT GIVES YOU HELL! HOPE IT GIVES YOOOU HELL!
“GIVES YOU HELL!!!”
​
To the Magistrate holding my hometown hostage!
​
WHEN YOU HEAR THIS SONG AND SING ALONG, THOUGH YOU’LL NEVER TELL!
“YOU’LL NEVER TELL!!!”
​
To every last asshole who thinks I’m a monster for what I am!
​
THEN YOU’RE THE FOOL, I’M JUST AS WELL! HOPE IT GIVES YOOOU HELL!
“GIVES YOU HELL!!!”
​
To that monster who took my mom, rotting in whatever cell he’s being held in.
​
WHEN YOU HEAR THIS SONG, I HOPE THAT IT WILL GIVE YOU HELL!
“GIVE YOU HELL!!!”
​
And lastly, to that figure, that voice in my head telling me I don’t deserve a home…
​
YOU CAN SING ALONG! I HOPE THAT IT PUTS YOU THROUGH HELL…
​
The End

Hello Number theory community
This work is an update version viewed in the Collatz space S which resolves the problems that shows up in my last attempt. Moreover, I updated my notation setting, and added fewer definitions to ensure the readibility of the proof.
My name is MOURAD OSMANI, this may update in may proof of the Collatz conjecture.
Here, the proof in summary.
The Collatz space S defines a relationship over infinitely many geometric sequences
G_n=(n×2^k )^\infty _{k=0}.
If one reflected $Gn$ over the set of even numbers, it shows that between each of $G_n$ terms there exists quantity of positive integers, presumably these numbers belong to some other sequences $G{n'}$. Proving such thing, actually proves that every even number is a multiple of some odd n.
In fact, the conjecture plays with the multiple of n considering $f(n)=n/2. Which is the Collatz space in which f Pthe Collatz function) set upon.
This gives the following descriptions that even numbers takes in the Collatz space S
Cn={n×2^k }{k\in N},
here C_n={2n, 4n, 8n, 16n,...}, where C_n is the set of even numbers that a given sequence G_n conveys.
Considering this fact the following is true:
If n>1 then
2n<3n+1<4n
If n=1 then
3(1)+1=4(1) this is G_1=(1×2^k )^\infty _{k=0}
In general, with x been the coefficient of n, x\to{1, 2, 4, 8, 16,...}, if kn+1=x(1) then the loop depends on a unique n, such that n=1 since that for n>1, kn+1>xn.
But if there exist kn+c=x(1) and c>1 then a multiple loops exists when c=n and k=x'-1. The example is 3(1)+5=8(1), where 8 loops back to 1, and 5(5)+5=20 , where 20 loops back to 5.
If x(1) xn Here the loop do not depends on a unique n, rather on n'>n. This is a different kind of loop, it is a jointement of multiple sequences such as G_1 and G_3 considering 5n+1 where
1\to 6\to 3\to 16\to 1, here 6\in G_3 and 16\in G_1. Where 4(1)<5(1)+1>8(1) this depends on 3>1 to reach x(1)=16(1). Since 5(1)+1 can't reach for 16.
Unlike kn+c=x(1) which depends on c to encode a loop k'n+c depends on n'>n.
The last type of loops is kn-x which is different then kn+c, for instance:
kn>kn-x, this can't be encoded in context of {2n, 4n, 8n,....} where kn counts as it is exists outside G_n if kn-x in G_n.
The loop here is deferent in typs but similar to k'n+c it's depends n'' not on c.
The example is 3n-1 for 7\to 20\to 5\to 14\to 7, this loop encoded among tow sequences G_5 and G_7
where kn>kn+x, this can be encoded in terms of {2n, 4n, 8n,...} Here the loop depends on c as we seen the example of 3n+1 above.
Because of this, I claim that the conjecture is true.
I need your help to publish this, today I lost something very spacial to may heart, my tears still in may eyes when I wrote this to you.
That spacial thing is the reason for me to go after this conjecture. I don't know if I'm gonna see it again, or if I'm gonna be ok.
Nevertheless, please help me to publish this work. If there is mistake that you can work it out please contact me, we work together and publish it together.
I hope you give me your attention. This is the link to the article, download the last version.
https://osf.io/zcveh/?view_only=add63b76e32b4e74b913a14e9596f29f
Thank you.

Seriously, don't even attempt to trivialize it. It's not about waking you up at 3:00 am for mundane reasons like running out of milk or needing your Wi-Fi password. This entity, whatever it may be, operates outside our reality's bounds, and its motives are far from benign. I learned this the hard way recently, which is why I'm cautioning you all against making light of it. But before delving into specifics, let me offer some context, as sleep paralysis is a recent phenomenon for me.
One of my earliest memories of sleep disruption traces back to my grade school days. With my mother on an early shift unable to drive me to school for its 8:00 am start, she would drop me off at my aunt's house. Here, she ensured I was fed, dressed, and ready for school. Most mornings, I had just about an hour left to sleep before needing to rise. Often, I'd find myself in a half-asleep state from the moment my mom roused me until she tucked me into my aunt's spare bedroom.
On one of those mornings, as I lay down, teetering between wakefulness and sleep, I experienced a peculiar sensation. It felt as though my body began to rise, hovering about two feet above the bed, before swiftly plummeting back down. Startled awake, I assumed my mother had thrown me back onto the bed, only to find the room empty upon opening my eyes.
I hadn't encountered any other experiences quite like that, but it was during this time that I distinctly recall a notable surge in the frequency of the nightmares I was experiencing. The nightmares were generally the same, some cloaked being hiding in the recesses of my vision, always there, always watching. I felt as though each passing night terror that it got closer and closer to me, but always just out of reach. At times, I found myself trapped in a dark room, enveloped by an overwhelming sense of malevolence that seemed to saturate the air—and a fear entirely foreign to my waking experiences.
Then I experienced sleep paralysis for the first time.
It occurred at my mother's house, marking the initial instance where I experienced the sensation of my body being effectively immobilized while my mind remained active. I recall attempting to move my eyes and then my body, but all efforts were futile. As I struggled to regain autonomy, it sounded as though a gathering had convened in my kitchen, voices carrying in muted tones. None of the which resembled those of my parents; I even detected snickering and laughter at one point. The conversation seemed to be aimed at me, as my name was uttered several times, yet the other words remained indecipherable. The episode concluded with me returning to sleep without any further disturbances.
As the instances of sleep paralysis became more frequent, they culminated in another peculiar experience. Shortly after moving into my first apartment, still in the midst of unpacking and assembling furniture, the second incident occurred. I lay on a mattress on the floor, surrounded by unassembled bedframe pieces, when I awoke to find myself imprisoned within my own body once more. In the darkness, I heard a faint sound—a presence moving softly over each piece of furniture. Panic gripped me as I strained to turn my head towards the noise, but every effort proved futile. With each passing moment, the unseen entity drew closer until it reached the bedside. Helpless, I closed my eyes, bracing myself for whatever awaited.
Meow?
Relief washed over me as I realized it was just my generously proportioned feline friend making his way around the room. I could hear him moving about, stepping on more furniture and emitting a few disgruntled meows, presumably chastising my laziness for not assembling it yet. As I began to drift back to sleep, I was abruptly startled awake by a chilling sound.
Snnn-orrrff
A primal, guttural snarl pierced the silence, its menacing resonance echoing through the room like a thunderous roar. I struggled desperately to move my limbs, silently screaming in my mind, yet only managing a feeble whimper as I sensed the beast drawing near. Despite my efforts, my body only twitched, while in my imagination, I leapt up and fled. As a mischievous chuckle erupted, I felt hot, pungent breath on the back of my neck. I suddenly awoke, screaming, kicking and punching. I jerked my head to the side and was met only with darkness. I jumped up and turned the light on, a quick scan of the room revealed there was nothing there. Exhausted and recognizing my inability to function effectively, I reluctantly resigned myself to lying back down with the light on until morning. I called into work, knowing that in my current state, I wouldn't be of much use to anyone.
Days passed and soon, it was that time of the month again for my regular check-in from mom. I hesitantly answered the call. After a few minutes of conversation, we eventually broached the topic of my sleep paralysis.
"Honey, it's probably all the stress." she reasoned.
My job had me grinding away tirelessly, but despite my efforts, all I got was a tiny bump in pay. To add to the mix, my landlord decided it was the perfect time to raise the rent. It's safe to say, the stress was really getting to me. "I don't know, it's been happening my whole life, Dad ever had any issues with sleep?"
There was a noticeable pause as she contemplated her reply. "He's definitely had his share of nightmares, he'd wake me up a lot of the times, poor thing would be in tears."
"Jeez, I never knew, but Mom I gotta…" I endeavored to conclude the conversation, as my allotted chat time was expiring, however my mother promptly interrupted me.
"Sweetie, why won't you join us at church? It might help?"
I released a sigh. I staunchly opposed the notion of going to church; I'd rather watch a documentary on the history of paperclips. "Thanks, but I'm not feeling that right now."
"Please, just do it for me?" She pleaded.
Eager to bring the call to a close. "I'll think about, but, alright I'm going to go ahead a hop off here."
"Alright, I miss you, call me later okay?"
"I will, love you, bye."
I concluded the call with a sigh of relief, grateful for its conclusion.
For a stretch, life seemed to fall into place: My job noticed the disparity between my increased workload and pay and offered me a new position that significantly improved my financial situation. Thanks to this new position, I crossed paths with my wife, and we swiftly eloped. She was one of the top account managers, earning a substantial income, which enabled us to afford a nice house together. During this period, the night terrors and bouts of sleep paralysis took a hiatus, granting me a reprieve. Yet amidst the tranquility, a gnawing sense of foreboding lingered, as if a tempest loomed on the horizon, urging me to savor the calm while it lasted.
During this period, my wife and I had been eagerly anticipating the arrival of our first child. We were overjoyed as she reached the sixth month of her pregnancy, carrying our long-awaited daughter. However, my suspicions proved tragically correct. I'll never forget the heart-wrenching phone call from my wife, her voice choked with tears, informing me of the terrifying sight of blood. Hastening to the emergency room, we raced against time, but our efforts proved futile. We lost our precious daughter that day. The journey back home was a blur, engulfed in a suffocating sense of loss that seemed to consume us both. It felt as though a part of me had died alongside our daughter, and the profound grief only served to widen the chasm between us as time passed, transforming our once intimate bond into a hollow semblance of what it once was.
Sleep paralysis and nightmares began to resurface, as if some malevolent force was exploiting my already troubled state, and my ability to sleep dwindled. Additionally, minor habits and disparities in the early stages of our marriage, once insignificant, began escalating into cataclysmic arguments. By now, I'm certain even my breathing would agitate my wife. Despite experimenting with various medications, none proved effective. Even vigorous physical exercise failed to exhaust me enough for uninterrupted sleep. The situation escalated to the point where my wife banished me from the bedroom due to my incessant tossing and turning, disrupting her rest. Consequently, I found myself relegated to the couch. Resorting to alcohol became a regular occurrence, partly to numb the discomfort of the couch but also as a means of coping with my grief.
We barely conversed, even though she mentioned marriage counseling, I rebuffed the idea, convinced it wouldn't benefit us. Frequently, I'd discover her in tears, cradling the sonogram of our daughter, yet I would quietly withdraw, allowing her solitary moments of sorrow. She had her unique methods of grieving, just as I had mine.
"I can't keep doing this, we're drowning in debt, and you're just pushing us further into it with every bottle." She pointed to the glass in my hand.
"Oh, come on! I work hard for us, I deserve to unwind a bit!" In a moment of animated expression, I inadvertently spilled some of my beverage onto the floor.
"Unwind? You call draining our savings and neglecting our future 'unwinding'!?"
"Look, just let me sleep in my own bed tonight."
She crossed her arms, and for a moment, silence enveloped us before she finally spoke.
"I just—I feel like I'm living with a stranger." Her eyes begin to shimmer with emotion.
"I'm here, aren't I? What more do you want from me?!" My voice rising in volume.
She attempted to delicately take my drink away, her touch then shifting to gently grasp my hand. "I want us to be a team again, not just two people sharing a bed."
But the moment I felt her touch, I instinctively shoved her hands away from me. "We haven't been a 'team' since we lost—" My voice quivered, then exploded into rage. "You pushed me out! You did this! You don't talk to me about anything anymore! Just get the hell out!" I pointed to the door.
I stood in the open doorway, watching her car pull out of the driveway. With a final sip, I closed the door behind me. Met with silence, I sensed the weight of tension hanging heavy in the air. Deciding one more bourbon was in order, I made my way to the kitchen, intent on pouring myself one last drink. In a bid to ensure a restful night, I opted to accompany my indulgence in alcohol with a hefty dosage of sleeping pills. A reckless choice, I'm aware, but perhaps death was in fact the ultimate form of slumber. I settled onto the couch, flicking through channels until my libation was drained. Feeling sufficiently relaxed, I decided it was time for bed. Ascending the stairs, I stumbled and collapsed onto the master bedroom's mattress. Sleep enveloped me swiftly that night, yet trouble was never far behind.
I recall waking during the night and noticing that the hallway light remained illuminated. It struck me as odd since I distinctly remember switching it off before retiring to bed. However, given my inebriated state from the copious amounts of alcohol I had consumed, I surmised that I must have simply forgotten. I'd just get up and switch it off, but a wave of unease washed over me. Despite my intentions, I found myself paralyzed, trapped within my own body once again. I found myself transfixed on the door, illuminated by the soft glow seeping in from the hallway. In that moment, I discerned a shadowy figure lurking behind the door.
I hoped it was my wife, but a gut feeling told me otherwise; this time felt different, suffocated by an eerie malevolence. The doorknob rattled violently, as if something were struggling to open it. Yet, amidst the noise I caught a sinister snicker. The relentless jiggling of the doorknob reached a fever pitch, threatening to wrench it free from its socket at any instant. Then, as abruptly as it began, the tumult ceased, leaving an ominous silence hanging in the air. The door then creaked open with a slow, foreboding motion.
A sinister, shapeless presence loomed in the doorway, defying gravity as it hovered above the ground, its shadowy form exaggerated by the eerie glow seeping in from the hallway. I whimpered, struggling to stir my limbs in a futile attempt to awaken my body, but they responded only with slight twitches. My gaze remained fixed on the form before me, immobilized by fear. Suddenly, a sinuous appendage extended from the specter's face, resembling a long, black tentacle. It elongated and snaked toward me, prompting me to instinctively shut my eyes. Sensing its proximity, I remained frozen, an icy chill grazed my forehead, jolting me awake in an instant. Sleep eluded me for the rest of the night, so I opted for an early morning, brewing a pot of coffee to chase away the lingering unease.
For the following weeks, my routine remained monotonous: work, microwave dinner, then numbness induced by sleeping pills and bourbon until I could no longer keep my eyes open. I received a text from my mother-in-law stating that my wife wanted to reconcile, but insisted on therapy and my attendance at AA meetings. I refused, firmly convinced that all I desired was to reclaim my bed, and that her reaction was excessive. I contended that the alcohol provided comfort, a gesture I hadn't received from her in quite some time. My mother-in-law and wife were both displeased with my response; it became apparent that divorce was now the inevitable solution.
At this juncture, I experienced sleep paralysis on a daily basis, even in the absence of the entity. Each night, I would awaken multiple times, unable to move, only freeing myself to find dread awaiting the next episode upon returning to sleep. There was one rare night when I slept soundly, only to be abruptly awakened by a late-night call from an old friend. We had a bond stretching back to our middle school days, and were inseparable back then. However, this call wasn't one of nostalgia; it was about money. He needed a bailout for his mortgage, promising a swift repayment.
I moved to the edge of my bed, frustration mounting as I started to rub my forehead. "I can't, I just can't right now, I need to get back to sleep good—"
He interrupted me. "Please, I don't want to lose the house."
I found myself raising my voice in frustration as irritation crept in. It appeared he was wholly incapable of learning from his mistakes. "Look, it isn't my responsibility to bail you out every time you're in trouble!"
"I know, I know, please, at least do it for Eli, Chelsea left me all alone and it's been hard man." His voice starting to crack.
My voice raising to a near scream; "He isn't my responsibility either! You should have been careful! I told you she wasn't good for you and you didn't listen! Sort your own shit out from now on!"
I ended the call and slammed the phone onto my nightstand. So much for a good night's rest, thanks a lot, friend.
As my life spiraled further into chaos, I realized I needed to explore solutions beyond relying on alcohol and sleeping pills to combat sleep paralysis. Perhaps a spiritual approach was necessary. While I knew my mother would be pleased with this consideration, I'm certain what I had in mind would be vehemently discouraged. My mother firmly believed in the existence of demons, warning against interacting with them outside of 'God's protection'. Perhaps she was right, but I grew desperate for a solution. At this stage, I was willing to do anything for peace of mind, regardless of the consequences. So, I concocted a masterful plan:
I'd simply ask it what it would take to make it stop.
Each morning was fraught with dread, pondering whether the entity would manifest itself. I ensured to kickstart my day with a potent drink, maintaining a steady buzz throughout, perhaps to stave off any wavering doubts about my decision. My patience bore fruit one fateful night as I found myself immobilized once more.
This marked the initial instance when the entity directly addressed me, and its words seared into my memory with chilling permanence. It uttered abhorrent, repulsive, unfathomable insults about me, branding me a failure, devoid of worth, as insignificant as a microbe. It dissected my existence, critiquing my choices, appearance, and demeanor with a cruelty I had never encountered. It seemed to possess an uncanny ability to strike at the core of my being, as if it wielded a weapon honed to annihilate my spirit. And then, its merciless laughter echoed relentlessly.
In that moment, I recognized it as my opportunity to retort. However, the barrage of insults stoked a fire within me, igniting a fury that overpowered my intentions. What did this entity presume to know about me? It was entirely mistaken, and that infuriated me. Against my better judgment, fueled by indignation, I deviated from my plan and impulsively blurted out: "What's so damn funny?!"
As the words echoed in my mind, the laughter abruptly ceased, leaving behind an eerie silence. Relief flooded through me as I dared to hope that I had put an end to the ordeal. Yet, my premature celebration was cut short when an indescribable dread enveloped me. A black ichor oozed onto the floor beside my bed, signaling the beginning of a hellish spectacle. From the viscous sludge, a dark figure emerged, coated in sticky tar, yet defying gravity as it ascended, hovering above the ground.
Above me, it loomed, its weighty presence palpable as thick sludge cascaded onto the bed, it halted directly over me. Its head inclined, scrutinizing me with unseen gaze. Tears welled in my eyes, hot and unrestrained, as I braced for the inevitable embrace of death. The figure gradually descended, its feet pressing into my chest with an icy chill coursing through me. As its waist aligned with my sternum, a frigid sensation enveloped me. With a swift motion, it plunged its hand into my chest, seizing my heart, and darkness consumed my senses.
I felt a terrifying pull downward, as if gravity itself had gone haywire. My stomach churned with a sickening weightlessness, reminiscent of a plummeting elevator. As my descent abruptly halted, the sound of wind rushing in my ears gave way to a sudden explosion—a resounding burst, resembling the opening of a parachute. That's when I sensed something coiling around my waist, though invisible to my eyes. Desperate to break free, I reached out, only to recoil in horror as my fingers brushed against scaly, rough skin.
Simultaneously, the air filled with the echoing beat of what seemed like enormous wings, while I experienced the unsettling sensation of being lifted and dropped. Though I had a suspicion about what gripped me, disbelief held me back from fully acknowledging it. So, resigned, I surrendered to my captor's will, allowing them to transport me to an unknown destination. As the darkness yielded, a faint glow emerged beneath us—a jagged line emanating an eerie orange-red light. The creature descended, revealing a sight that churned my stomach: bubbling lava. Its faint glow barely illuminated what seemed to be a cavern.
As I descended further into the cavern's depths, the beast veered close enough for me to sense the searing warmth of the lava beneath my feet. Gradually, our descent stabilized, and my gaze shifted forward, revealing a massive door-like structure. Its design echoed the grandeur of ancient Gothic architecture, adorned with pointed arches and intricate buttresses. The edifice appeared crafted from a peculiar variety of marble, possessing a beauty tinged with an unsettling aura. Its construction defied convention, evoking a sense of unease; never before had anything been wrought in such a manner.
As the creature descended once more, carrying me firmly, we passed through the doorway, revealing the true scale of the chamber. Beyond the threshold, a vast expanse unfolded, illuminated by a solitary spherical light source, casting an unsettlingly dim glow upon a colossal, otherworldly mechanism. It resembled a colossal pillar, stretching upward into the darkness of the cavern, its details obscured by the dim light. Within its intricate workings, gears, wheels, and chains rotated at a languid pace. Amidst this mechanical labyrinth, my attention was drawn to a swirling mass of gray at the base of the mechanism, slowly undulating. The beast appeared to be steering us directly toward it.
As we drew nearer, we sailed past what appeared to be a platform, upon which perched a colossal beast. Its form resembled that of a massive reptilian creature, akin to what one might envision as a dinosaur. Yet, it stood upright on two legs, its powerful limbs chained firmly to the platform. With each short, sharp inhalation, it unleashed a deafening roar that reverberated through every fiber of my being. I couldn't help but notice the protrusion of its jugular vein, roughly the size of my upper thigh, expanding with each thunderous cry. As we approached the swirling mass of gray, a sudden wave of horror washed over me as I comprehended its true nature.
A sea of people.
I observed that they were all bound together by chains, encircling their arms, legs, and necks. These chains converged at the towering pillar, linking each individual to the mechanism. The mass of people moved in a circular motion, driving the turning of the cogs. Their pallid complexion suggested an absence of life, as if all vitality had been drained from them. Their agonized screams pierced the air, mouths devoid of tongues. I witnessed an individual collapse to their knees, only to be forcefully yanked upright by some unseen power, rest was an elusive notion in this place. To my horror, amidst the throng of young adults and the elderly, I saw children swept along by the relentless current of the crowd.
As the creature positioned me amidst the multitude, I pleaded desperately, but it was futile; the chains had already ensnared me. With each movement of the mass of people, I felt the tug on my own chain, pressed in on all sides without an inch of space to spare. The towering figures around me obscured any view beyond their heads, leaving me engulfed in a sea of bodies.
My voice pierced the chaotic symphony of screams, rising in a desperate plea for escape.
"Please! I don't belong here! I just wanted to sleep, this is a mistake!"
As I cried out, the orb of light began to shift, seemingly in response to my desperate appeals. As it drew closer and closer, a sense of dread gripped me. Hovering ominously above, it revealed itself as a grotesque monstrosity, casting a sickly glow that chilled me to the bone. I fought the overwhelming urge to collapse, my knees weakening with each passing moment. What loomed overhead defied any attempt at human description; it resembled a cluster of intertwining tubes, swirling and spiraling in a mesmerizing dance that transcended the bounds of reality. Bathed in a sickly blue light that pulsed like molten lava beneath its tendrils.
The light wrought a profound transformation within me, granting a clarity of self-awareness unlike anything I had ever known. In its piercing illumination, I was confronted with the raw truth of my being, stripped of illusion or denial. It was a sobering revelation, an awakening to the most authentic understanding of myself I had ever experienced.
I belonged here.
I had systematically driven away my friends, neglecting their presence and refusing to open up to them. Even my own mother's attempts at connection felt burdensome, our conversations reduced to mere obligations. But perhaps the greatest tragedy lay in the chasm that had formed between my wife and me—a divide entirely of my own making. I was the architect of my own downfall, responsible for the ruin of my life, with no one else to blame but myself. Every word the entity had uttered about me held a painful truth.
From this vantage point, my life appeared almost sweet in retrospect, bathed in the stark light of self-awareness. Yet, any semblance of hope quickly dissolved, for in this desolate realm, hope found no foothold, no sanctuary to thrive.
With my head bowed low, I trudged forward, the weight of my chain pulling me inexorably onward. In a moment of unprecedented vulnerability, I found myself offering a prayer. Despite my awareness that it would likely go unanswered, I embraced the grim reality of my fate, accepting it with a heavy heart.
God, have mercy on me…
Suddenly the sound of chains breaking shattered the air as I was yanked upward with astonishing velocity. In a sudden blur, the scene below shrank rapidly beneath me. The rush of wind buffeted me, and I sensed another presence, an arm wrapped around my waist. Clutching onto it tightly, I braced myself as the cavern's light faded into absolute darkness, squeezing my eyes shut against the unknown.
With a jolt, my rapid ascent came to an abrupt halt, my back colliding with something soft. Gradually, I realized I was back in the familiarity of my own bed. At the foot of the bed stood a figure, its features obscured by a radiant glow emanating from its form, resembling molten glass. The brilliance bathed the entire room in an ethereal light. For a fleeting moment, we locked gazes, suspended in a silent exchange. Then, as swiftly as it had appeared, the figure began to ascend, leaving my room cloaked once more in shadows.
I sat in silence for a while, grappling with the enormity of my experience. To dismiss it as a mere nightmare or hallucination would be a gross understatement; whatever transpired felt hauntingly more vivid and tangible than my current reality. It would take me months of introspection and contemplation to begin to make sense of it all, to reconcile the surreal with the mundane, and to find a semblance of peace within myself.
Although the experience didn't trigger an immediate transformation, its impact lingered, nudging me towards a path of change. Despite my ongoing struggle with alcohol addiction, I made a conscious decision to seek help. I began prioritizing regular hangouts with my best friend and even accompanied my mom to a few church visits. While I remained uncertain about my own connection to religion, witnessing her joy brought a sense of fulfillment that warmed my heart. In making her happy, I found a newfound source of happiness within myself.
As time passed, a sense of progress gradually infused my life. Achieving a year of sobriety marked a significant milestone on my journey, celebrated amidst the supportive community of AA. Even my wife took notice of my efforts towards self-improvement, leading us to embark on marriage counseling together. Before long, her return to our home signaled a hopeful new chapter in our relationship.
Not a trace of sleep paralysis had haunted me since that fateful night when I was guided from the depths of despair. I'm not entirely sure if it was an angel, or God, but whatever it was, it spared me, and for that, I'm grateful. And now, the most joyous news of all: my wife and I are expecting our first child next week. The doctors assure us of her perfect health, filling us with anticipation and gratitude. As for her name, I already have the perfect one in mind:
Grace

In today's digital age, graphic design surrounds you, from the billboards that dot the highways to the sleek interface of your favourite app. It's an art form that combines creativity with strategy, aiming to communicate ideas and messages through visual content. Whether it's a vibrant logo that captures the essence of a brand or an infographic that breaks down complex information, graphic design is at the heart of visual communication.
As a career, graphic design offers a canvas for innovation and expression, blending art and technology to create compelling designs that inform, engage, and persuade. In South Africa, where the creative industries continue to bloom, graphic design plays a pivotal role in the business landscape, driving the creation of digital and print media that resonate with consumers. If you're intrigued by the power of visual storytelling and considering a career in this dynamic field, understanding the fundamentals of graphic design is your first step towards unlocking your creative potential.

Key Takeaways

• Understanding Graphic Design: Graphic design is a vital form of communication that merges art with technology to effectively convey messages and ideas. In South Africa, it is not only a burgeoning career path but also key in visual storytelling, crucial for brands and information dissemination.
• Core Elements of Graphic Design: Successful graphic design relies on fundamental elements like typography, colour theory, and layout/composition. Mastery of these components is essential for creating visually engaging designs that communicate effectively.
• Specialisation Areas: Graphic design in South Africa encompasses various specialisation areas including branding, packaging design, and digital design. Each area offers unique opportunities for creativity and innovation.
• Graphic Design Tools and Software: A mix of traditional tools (e.g., pencils, markers) and modern software (such as Adobe Creative Suite and Sketch) is necessary for contemporary graphic design. Familiarity with these tools is crucial for both creativity and efficiency.
• Pursuing a Career in Graphic Design: With the right education and skills, numerous career opportunities open up in advertising, digital design, publishing, and freelancing. South Africa offers a range of courses and programs, like those at Oakfields College, tailored to equip aspiring designers for the industry.
• The Importance of Continuous Learning: Staying updated with the latest design trends and technologies is vital for a successful career in graphic design, highlighting the importance of ongoing education through short courses and professional development.

Understanding Graphic Design

Graphic design stands as a pivotal form of communication, blending art and technology to convey messages and ideas effectively. In South Africa, where the creative industries are burgeoning, graphic design emerges as a compelling career pathway, offering endless opportunities for innovation and expression. This section delves into the essence of graphic design, its fundamental components, and why mastering these concepts is crucial for aspiring designers.
Graphic design is more than just aesthetics; it's about solving problems and communicating ideas visually. It combines various elements such as typography, images, colours, and layouts to create engaging designs that capture attention, inform, and sometimes persuade the audience. Whether it's a branding campaign, a website design, or product packaging, every piece of design communicates a story to its viewers.

Core Elements of Graphic Design

Firstly, understanding the basic elements of graphic design is essential. These elements include:

• Typography: The art of arranging type, which is a crucial aspect of design. It's not just about choosing fonts; it's about creating readable and appealing text that enhances the message.
• Colour Theory: Colour plays a vital role in graphic design. It can influence mood, convey messages, and even affect purchasing decisions. Understanding colour theory helps in choosing the right palette for your projects.
• Layout and Composition: How elements are arranged on a page determines how effectively the design communicates. Good layout and composition bring balance, guide the viewer’s eye, and ensure the design is aesthetically pleasing.

Specialisation Areas in Graphic Design

The field of graphic design in South Africa is diverse, with several areas of specialisation, including:

• Branding and Visual Identity: Creating a visual identity for brands that communicates their values and distinguishes them from competitors.
• Packaging Design: This involves designing attractive and functional packaging that stands out on the shelf while protecting the product.
• Digital Design: This encompasses website design, mobile app design, and social media graphics, among others.

For those looking to pursue a career in graphic design, South Africa offers a variety of courses and training programs. From comprehensive graphic design courses to short courses in South Africa, aspiring designers have access to some of the best graphic design courses available. These programs cover the fundamentals of design as well as the latest trends and technologies, preparing students for successful careers in this dynamic field.

History of Graphic Design

Tracing the origins of graphic design takes you back to the dawn of human expression, but its professional identity and terminology began shaping during the 20th century. The term 'graphic design' itself was coined by William Addison Dwiggins in 1922, marking the official separation of design as a distinct profession which encompasses typography, visual arts, and page layout for the purposes of marketing, advertising, and informing.
In South Africa, graphic design has weaved its unique thread through the country's rich tapestry of cultural diversity. Emerging from a background of traditional art forms and evolving through the apartheid and post-apartheid eras, today's South African graphic design scene is a vibrant mix of traditional African elements and modern digital artistry. This blend offers a distinct flavour to South African design, making it recognisable on the global stage.
The evolution of graphic design in South Africa closely aligns with technological advancements and educational progress in the field. Institutions like Oakfields College play a pivotal role in shaping the new generation of graphic designers through comprehensive graphic design courses and short courses in South Africa. These programs not only equip students with the necessary skills in traditional and digital design but also incorporate critical thinking and strategy, preparing them for a successful career in the industry.
Moreover, South Africa has embraced the digital revolution in graphic design, with many designers and agencies placing a strong emphasis on digital mediums. This transition has not only expanded the scope of graphic design in the country but also opened up a plethora of opportunities for designers to innovate and create with global reach.
Whether you're considering a career in this dynamic field or simply have an appreciation for the art form, understanding the history of graphic design, especially within the South African context, enriches your perspective of its impact and potential. For those looking to dive deeper into this industry, seeking out the best graphic design courses in South Africa is a solid first step towards mastering the craft and contributing to its ongoing story.

Key Principles of Graphic Design

Understanding the key principles of graphic design is essential for creating visually compelling and effective designs. These principles serve as the foundational guidelines that ensure your work communicates the intended message to your audience, especially within the South African context where cultural diversity and historical background profoundly influence visual communication.

Layout and Structure

The layout and structure form the backbone of graphic design. Utilising layout software, designers position text, images and incorporate features such as columns and advertisements to achieve a balanced and visually attractive product. For instance, in crafting layouts for newspapers, magazines, or books, the arrangement dictates how readers process information, making it crucial to guide the audience through the design in a logical sequence. South African designers must be adept at using tools like InDesign to create layouts that not only look good but also respect the cultural nuances and readability preferences of the local audience.

Typeface Design

Creating or selecting the right typeface is key to conveying your design's intended tone and personality. Each font carries its own weight and style, impacting how text is perceived. Original fonts designed for specific digital applications, including websites and adverts, must be readable, scalable, and aesthetically pleasing. South Africa's rich cultural tapestry offers an opportunity for typeface designers to explore unique font styles that reflect local heritage and language diversity, enhancing the global richness of typeface design.

Colour Theory

A fundamental component of graphic design, colour theory explains how colours interact with each other and the effects they have on the viewer. The right colour palette can evoke emotions, communicate messages, and influence actions. In South Africa, with its vibrant landscapes and diverse cultures, colour holds significant importance. Utilising colour effectively requires understanding local cultural differences and preferences, ensuring designs resonate with the intended audience while achieving the desired impact.

Web Page Design

The digital realm offers vast opportunities for graphic designers to express creativity and innovation. Designing the structure and appearance of websites demands a combination of layout skills, colour theory application, and typeface selection. Graphic designers often create PSD or AI files that are then converted into functional websites. In a South African context, where digital access and consumption patterns vary widely across different demographics, designers have to be strategic in their design decisions, ensuring accessibility and responsiveness across devices.

The Role of Graphic Design in Various Industries

Graphic design, with its profound ability to communicate visually, plays a pivotal role across various industries. Its significance in the South African context, driven by cultural diversity and a unique historical backdrop, cannot be overstated. As you explore the vast landscape of graphic design, you'll discover its application in marketing and advertising, digital design, publishing, and entertainment and media. Let's delve into how graphic design shapes these industries and the opportunities it presents for aspiring designers, especially those considering enrolling in graphic design courses or short courses in South Africa.

Marketing and Advertising

In the competitive market of South Africa, graphic design serves as the backbone of successful marketing and advertising campaigns. Designers craft compelling visuals that not only grab the attention of the target audience but also convey the brand's message effectively. From creating eye-catching advertisements to designing sophisticated marketing materials, graphic designers ensure that a brand stands out in a crowded marketplace. Engaging visuals in billboards, flyers, brochures, and digital ads are all testaments to the creativity and strategic thinking of graphic designers. With the best graphic design courses in South Africa, you can unlock your potential and help brands tell their stories compellingly.

Digital Design

The digital landscape is ever-evolving, and graphic design is at the heart of this transformation. In South Africa, where the digital economy continues to grow, the demand for skilled graphic designers who can navigate web page design, UX/UI, and social media content creation is on the rise. Digital design focuses on crafting user-friendly and aesthetically pleasing online experiences. Whether it's through website design, mobile app interfaces, or engaging social media posts, graphic designers play a critical role in shaping how brands interact with their audiences online. By pursuing short courses in graphic design with a focus on digital applications, you're setting yourself up for a rewarding career in this dynamic field.

Publishing

The publishing industry in South Africa, which includes books, magazines, newspapers, and catalogs, relies heavily on graphic design to attract and retain readership. Publication designers work closely with authors and publishers to create layouts, choose typefaces, and select images that enhance the readability and appeal of printed materials. The goal is to create visually attractive publications that communicate content effectively, whether it's for educational, informational, or entertainment purposes. graphic design course that specialise in publication design can provide you with the skills needed to excel in this sector.

Entertainment and Media

Graphic design's influence extends into the entertainment and media industry, creating unforgettable visuals for films, television shows, video games, and music productions. Designers collaborate with directors and producers to craft branding, promotional materials, and visual effects that define the aesthetic of a production. In South Africa, where the entertainment industry is vibrant and diverse, graphic designers contribute to the cultural fabric by creating artwork that resonates with both local and international audiences. Short courses in South Africa focusing on graphic design for entertainment and media can launch your career in this exhilarating field.
The role of graphic design in various industries is immense, offering vast opportunities for creative expression and professional growth. Whether you're interested in marketing and advertising, digital design, publishing, or entertainment and media, graphic design courses in South Africa can equip you with the necessary skills to thrive in these exciting fields. Explore the best graphic design courses and embrace the journey toward becoming a prominent designer in the industry.

Graphic Design Tools and Software

Embarking on a journey in graphic design, you'll discover that it's not just about creativity but also about the tools and software that bring your ideas to life. Whether you're interested in pursuing one of the best graphic design courses or just starting to dip your toes into this vibrant field, knowing the right tools is essential. In South Africa, where the design landscape is as diverse as its culture, having a toolkit equipped with both traditional and modern instruments is key to making your mark.

Traditional Tools

Before the digital age took over, graphic designers relied heavily on traditional tools to conceptualise and create their artwork. These tools weren't just instruments; they were extensions of the designers' hands and minds, allowing them to manifest their visions into tangible forms.

• Pencils and sketchpads are indispensable, even today, for quickly jotting down ideas or sketching preliminary designs. These basics enable you to freely express your initial concepts without the constraints of software interfaces.
• Rulers and stencils aid in creating clean, precise lines and shapes, ensuring that your work maintains professional standards of accuracy.
• Markers and paint allow for the exploration of colour and texture, adding a unique touch to logos or illustrations that digital means might not fully replicate.

Mastering these traditional tools can give you a strong foundation in the principles of graphic design, a necessity highlighted in short courses across South Africa.

Modern Software

As technology advanced, the realm of graphic design expanded, introducing a suite of modern software that has become indispensable to today's designer. This software not only enhances efficiency but also opens up infinite possibilities for creativity and collaboration.

• Adobe Creative Suite, including Photoshop, Illustrator, and InDesign, is the cornerstone of professional graphic design. These applications offer powerful tools for image manipulation, vector artwork creation, and layout design, making them a staple in graphic design courses.
• CorelDraw Graphics Suite provides robust vector editing capabilities alongside layout and photo-editing tools, tailored for versatility in various design tasks.
• Sketch has become a go-to for web and mobile interface design, with its intuitive vector tools and simplified interface, making it a popular choice for those specialising in digital design.

Each piece of software brings its strengths to the table, and in a competitive field like graphic design, knowing your way around them can set you apart. Best graphic design courses, particularly those offered in South Africa at esteemed institutions like Oakfields College, cover an extensive range of these modern tools, preparing students to meet industry demands.
Engaging with both traditional tools and modern software equips you with a versatile skill set, crucial for navigating the diverse graphic design landscape in South Africa. Whether you're aiming to excel in branding, digital design, or any other specialization within the field, harnessing these tools will be key to your success.

Pursuing a Career in Graphic Design

Graphic design, a field that artfully combines text, images, and concepts to communicate ideas, offers a myriad of career possibilities. In South Africa, where the digital and creative industries are rapidly expanding, pursuing a career in graphic design can be both fulfilling and lucrative. Let’s delve into how you can embark on this exciting journey.

Educational Pathways

Your venture into the world of graphic design begins with the right education. South African institutions, including Oakfields College, offer comprehensive programmes that cater not just to the theoretical aspects of graphic design but also to the practical, hands-on experiences necessary for success in the industry.

1. Graphic Design Courses: You'll find a range of options, from diplomas to bachelor’s degrees. These courses cover fundamental principles such as typography, layout design, and colour theory, along with modern digital design tools. Oakfields College is renowned for its focused curriculum that prepares you for the real-world challenges of a graphic designer.
2. Short Courses in South Africa: If you're looking for a more flexible learning path or wish to specialise in a particular area like web design or digital marketing, short courses can be invaluable. These programmes are perfect for staying abreast of the latest trends and technologies in the graphic design realm.
3. Best Graphic Design Courses: When selecting a course, consider institutions that offer a balanced mix of theory and practical application. Courses that include internships or work placement opportunities, like those at Oakfields College, are particularly beneficial as they provide real industry experience and a chance to build a professional network.

Career Opportunities

After equipping yourself with the necessary knowledge and skills, a diverse range of career opportunities awaits. Here's a glimpse of what you can expect:

1. Advertising and Branding: Companies constantly seek talented graphic designers to create compelling advertising campaigns and develop strong brand identities.
2. Digital Design: With the digital age in full swing, careers in web design, user interface (UI) design, and user experience (UX) design are in high demand. Designers with skills in creating visually appealing and user-friendly digital spaces are highly sought after.
3. Publishing and Print Media: Despite the rise of digital media, there's still a significant need for designers in the publishing industry. From magazines to books and newspapers, graphic designers play a crucial role in layout and visual storytelling.
4. Freelancing: For those who prefer a more flexible work environment, freelancing offers the freedom to choose projects that align with your interests and expertise. Platforms such as Behance and LinkedIn can help you showcase your portfolio and connect with potential clients.

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Graphic design is more than just an artistic endeavour; it's a pivotal element of South Africa's creative landscape. With its rich history and evolving nature, the field offers a vibrant pathway for those looking to make their mark. Through institutions like Oakfields College, aspiring designers have access to comprehensive training that covers everything from fundamentals to advanced specialisations. Whether you're drawn to branding, digital design, or another niche, the opportunities in this dynamic industry are vast. Embarking on a graphic design career not only allows you to explore your creative passions but also to contribute significantly to the digital and creative sectors. Remember, your journey in graphic design is not just about mastering tools or techniques; it's about shaping visual narratives that resonate. So, if you're ready to dive into this exciting field, the time to start is now.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the significance of graphic design in South Africa?

Graphic design in South Africa plays a pivotal role in the communication industry, blending visual communication with digital technology to produce effective branding and marketing strategies. Its significance lies in its ability to convey complex information and ideas through creative and visual means.

What are the core elements of graphic design?

The core elements of graphic design include layout, typeface design, and colour theory. These elements are crucial in creating visually appealing and effective designs that communicate the desired message to the audience.

What specialisation areas exist within graphic design?

In South Africa, graphic design specialisation areas include branding, digital design, advertising, publishing, and freelancing. Each area focuses on different aspects of visual communication and offers unique career opportunities.

How has the history of graphic design evolved in South Africa?

The history of graphic design in South Africa has evolved from traditional print media to incorporating digital mediums. It reflects the country's rich culture and history, with institutions like Oakfields College playing a significant role in training the next generation of designers.

What role do institutions like Oakfields College play in graphic design education?

Institutions like Oakfields College in South Africa play a crucial role in graphic design education by offering comprehensive courses and short programmes that equip students with the necessary skills and knowledge in graphic design principles, tools, and software.

What are the essential tools and software for graphic designers?

The essential tools and software for graphic designers include Adobe Creative Suite (Photoshop, Illustrator, InDesign) for creating and editing visuals. Knowledge of these tools is critical for producing high-quality design work.

How can one pursue a career in graphic design in South Africa?

Pursuing a career in graphic design in South Africa involves obtaining the necessary education through courses and programmes offered by reputable institutions like Oakfields College. Building a strong portfolio and gaining experience through internships or freelance projects are also important steps.

What career opportunities exist in graphic design?

Career opportunities in graphic design in South Africa are abundant and include fields such as advertising, digital design, publishing, and freelancing within the expanding digital and creative industries, offering a dynamic and rewarding career path for aspiring designers.

It's mother's Day back in Canada and I'm thinking about mom today. I'm so sick though that I'll do a call tomorrow when I'm doing better. I tend to do poorly on phone calls when I'm not well. I woke up very ill this morning and my body did not want to cooperate at all. Who knew that biking a lot on a body trying to kick an illness might prolong said illness.
The rain indeed came and did not stop. It was pouring cats and dogs in the morning and the prospect of going outside in the rain while sick made me feel miserable. With my poor condition and the possibility of a thunderstorm during the day, we were in no condition to be going very far. We tried to extend our stay but the hotel was fully booked, our next best bet was to head up the road into the mountains and find a place there.
On my booking app, one hotel was listed at half it's usual price for some reason. We've stayed at a lot of livemax hotels and found them to at least be okay, so we figured it was safe to take the cheap option this time, which was $49. It was one of their onsen properties as well, and it looked like there was a train nearby if we wanted to get food and a bath in the next town over, which looked to be nicer. It was either that or pay another $100 for what would amount to a shelter from the rain, and in my addled state where sickness feels like a waste of time, a cheap hotel is a good way to convince me to stay put and rest. It was 20km away and the rain wasn't going to get any lighter, so we packed up, donned our rain gear, and set out for some breakfast.
A grocery store was near our hotel (which again was just a series of trailers in the parking lot of a casino), and we figured we could get something for breakfast there as nothing else was open on the way. Inside we found a store that was a bit of a time capsule. The music, the ambiance, even the too-cold air conditioning felt decades old. The aisles felt too large and there were large empty areas signalling that the store did not have enough business for it's size. The place was meticulously kept though, even if it was only one lonely cashier in the cavernous building. We found some hot coffee and had a few pastries while we talked about the economy of Japan and how the feeling here could relate to back home. Can anything be done with the general feeling of decline everywhere? Why were things so much better in Japan decades ago? Questions for economists, but not ones they necessarily have good answers for. I feel like many questions for economists are better suited for fortune tellers.
There were a couple of games in the grocery store which caught our eye, including a trio of games for kids (given the console was two feet off the ground), that were essentially slots. You pumped in coins to adjust your bet, then pressed a button to play a chance game, and if you won you got more coins. I have no idea how anyone thinks this kind of game is appropriate or ethical to have around children. No wonder this country has such a gambling problem.
The ride from Nikko to our hotel was calm and wet. The hill upwards was gentle enough that I didn't feel too exhausted, but I did feel like I was going to fall asleep on my bike if the coughing fits didn't take me down first. I really felt wretched today, the week and a half of being sick because I never took the downtime to get better is really catching up with me today. Make time for your body or your body will take it's time, I guess. The road followed a river in a steep gorge, the mountains rising up on either side. Everything was blanketed in thick trees, the slopes now too steep for most developments.
Nonetheless, little onsen towns were nestled into the cracks of the mountains here and there, but the decline of the area was impossible not to notice. While the odd resort was still shiny, it's clear the volume of travelers to the area has dwindled from lofty amounts many many years ago. This area felt harder hit than most we've been to, with half the buildings we saw being either abandoned or in a sorry state. Whole hotels empty, apartment blocks with the windows smashed in, shuttered storefronts. It's sad for the people who have called this area home for generations.
We got to our hotel without much of a plan, as I was too addled to think that far. We agreed that food was going to need to happen, and the onsen I wanted to see was in the town downhill from us. We decided the train was our best bet for parking our bikes while we waited to check in. The train station was nice, but looking at the departures board, the train only ran a handful of times per day, and we wouldn't get back till late in the evening. It also would cost us $30 each just to ride two stops there and back. Not going to work. Instead we went to one of the two places open during lunch.
The restaurant was cute with half a dozen tables and a dated but spotless interior. The ladies we saw clearly were a multigenerational family running the place, with a woman old enough that she couldn't stand up straight anymore still zooming around with tea and orders. Soaked, cold, and with nowhere to go, we brought our books and settled in to stay for awhile. The restaurant never got more than half full and we ordered several meals worth of food, drinks, and desserts, so we figured they wouldn't mind if we sat and quietly read our books. I got a yakiniku set meal and bryce got the karaage set, both were great but Bryce's karaage was especially good. We also got a cola float to share which was delightfully old fashioned but very tasty.
When it was finally time to check in at our hotel, my body was starting to act up. I think the cold and wet and tiredness was getting to me as some of my neurological issues flared up. Not a big deal, but had me a bit twitchy and in desperate need of a hot bath and rest. The hotel lobby was quite nice, but the rest of the place was as we expected; enormous, and falling apart, but working. Various walls and ceilings had water damage that was never going to be fixed, many many doors said "private" or "staff only" that looked to be old banquet halls. A lounge laid dark, never to have a singer again. We found a roof access, the roof patched many times by hand. An arcade with games that were at least 20 or 30 years old were still in working order, maintained as well as any other thing here. The private onsen was damaged beyond use, but the main public ones were functioning.
My onsen was in the basement, and the entrance area again had a huge lounge area that would never be used, and a bunch of other darkened areas that were curious but creeped me out. The bath was in a large room with tall windows and a big stone bath, a large rock wall being the main attraction. I spent some time soaking here till I watched some ladies walk out a different door. Monkeys were bumping on the windows, so I followed them where that went. It lead to three outdoor baths, one just a tub. The big bath overlooked the river and was quite lovely, clearly what was keeping this place afloat, so to speak. Again, really good value for $50 for the two of us.
After my bath, I got up and nearly passed out from the lack of blood pressure and immediately started feeling ill. I went back to the room, grabbed some water and got horizontal. The room is a rather spacious Japanese style room with tatami mats, but with soft beds. The AC works and we have a view of the river from the 6th floor. This place is great. Bryce had a great time soaking in his onsen, which also had outdoor baths and a sauna too. After he returned to the room we went down to the arcade to amuse ourselves before dinner.
As I mentioned the arcade contained some real antiques, pinball-ish games with carved wood channels, racing games with hand drawn art, slots that had real spinning wheels instead of just screens. Everything was also brutally difficult, also in keeping with the time period. Bryce got the high score on the alligator whack a mole game and also beat me 3 out of 3 on the drum game. Can't win em all.
We walked to the only other place in town for dinner, going into a creepy tunnel that went under the hotel. We eventually decided that the tunnel went straight to the kitchens and probably was used for deliveries at some point but now was full of junk and discarded kitchen equipment that was probably too difficult to get rid of. Every old or abandoned building we've seen is full to the brim with empty paint cans, old computers and dilapidated equipment. This stuff must cost a fortune to get rid of.
The restaurant we went to was another cute Japanese restaurant, this one with an older woman serving and a young man in the kitchen cooking. I got the house special udon and Bryce got karaage again. Maybe Bryce needs to branch out a bit. The udon meal was heavenly and wonderful on my sick body, lots of seafood, a hearty broth and chewy noodles. Easily the best udon I've ever had. We ordered extra karaage and a few drinks while we talked strategy for the next week of riding. Also, like the last place, we felt we could stay because they didn't have much business and we wanted to order more because of it. We stayed quite a while but nobody else came.
We decided to cut out a section of the north tour and head directly through the mountains to our port. We're feeling stressed about the end of the trip and want more leeway in case things go wrong and also more time in Hokkaido as we've heard good things. We'll miss out on Fukushima and Sendai and Morioka, but get to experience the internal mountain valleys of northern Japan. This feels like a decent move, as we've seen a lot of the coastal lowlands already and some highland adventures sounds good. Plus it gains us half a week in hokkaido which will allow us three or four days to prepare for our departure, which means lots of time to find gifts and other cool things to bring home.
Back in the hotel room, we're looking for a nice rest and an early start tomorrow. We have two options, a blistering 5 day tour with four 100km days, or a 7 day tour with 6 75km days. We're shooting for the latter. We'll attempt the big ride just after Sapporo. For now, I want to get healthy and enjoy the ride. Sleep tonight and tomorrow is a new day, hopefully I'll be healthy by then.

My recent Reddit experience and dating attempt fumble.
About a week ago, I found Reddit by doing a google search on autism as it relates to adult women.
The backstory on why I was researching this topic is probably strange, I suppose.
I live in South Carolina, I’m a white guy, who has always been attracted to black women. I have been married once to a wonderful white woman who unfortunately got addicted to opioids and last year overdosed. So suddenly, I became a widower.
I personally have never done drugs or alcohol beyond occasionally drinking a beer, I have smoked marijuana on a few occasions but nothing beyond that.
My wife was in a car accident and prescribed pain medication which eventually took her down the rabbit hole of illicit drug use. Despite going to rehab twice, she still found her way back to drug use.
Eventually, fentanyl took her life. We were separated at the time and I still suffer survivor’s guilt over not doing enough.
So that brings me to now. I’m a welder by trade, I also do plumbing on the side. I’m a nerd and an avid reader. I recently found a used book store in one of the towns, I travel to for work. I have a mobile welding service.
This town is predominantly black, the people are usually friendly and despite being a tall lanky bald headed white guy, I have always felt welcomed. It’s like stepping back in time, like a movie set almost.
There is a used book store there, I will occasionally stop in and look for interesting books. The store is family owned and a mother, an aunt and two sisters operate it. The mother is a retired reading teacher.
They also sell bake goods and soups on most days that I have visited. The bake goods are amazing. At first, the women working there were friendly but reserved. After about my fourth visit, they started calling me by name and I got to know their names as well.
One of the daughters is very beautiful physically but she also has a shy personality that changes when you talk about books. She goes from stoic to smiling. Her eyes light up, she gets excited about certain subjects.
Overtime, I learned that I knew the mom’s brother. I had done some work for him in the past. One day, I decided to stop in and pay him a visit to see if he needed anything. He didn’t but I told him about my visits to his sister’s store and how much I enjoyed it.
I basically spent the next couple hours listening to him tell me about their family, successes and hardships, he had an encyclopedic knowledge of his family.
I asked about his niece, I didn’t obviously tell him I was attracted to her for a couple reasons, one I’m 40 and she is 27, we live in the rural south, I’m white, she is black. Time moves slower here.
He explained that his niece is autistic. He described how she is high functioning and has been diagnosed by various doctors and psychiatrists. Her executive management skills are off and she is too trusting and naive (his words) to live by herself, so that is why she still lives with and works at her mom’s bookstore-cafe-coffeehouse.
Without divulging my interest in her, I eventually thanked him for the Iced Tea and conversation and headed home, still thinking about his beautiful niece and if I should drop my interest in her.
The next evening, I was doing searches about dating a woman with Asperger’s syndrome. Many of the questions, I searched led me to Reddit. To read, I had to create an account.
For the next couple days, I joined some communities on Reddit to ask what I thought were innocent questions regarding dating an autistic woman. It was immediately made known, my presence wasn’t welcomed on any of these communities for the following reasons:

• Account was new, suspicious.
• I was accused of trolling.
• I was a CIS man and wasn’t welcome.

I was taken aback by the hatred and vitriol directed at me for asking what I thought were respectful questions about a topic, I knew very little about.
Apparently there was one moderator that I upset so much, they made it their mission to get me banned from each community, I posted or commented in.
I had no idea why someone who is a moderator would stalk and harass me like that, but apparently that is not that uncommon here.
Last Friday, I did return to the bookstore and worked up the courage to ask her out. Big mistake. She went immediately from smiling and comfortable to just shutting down. She excused herself and while her mom and sister made light banter, I could tell, I messed up the vibe I had going with them.
I made my purchase, walked out red faced, feeling like a total asshole.

Hello
My story starts off sounding a little dark and alarming but please read on before calling emergency services.
I’m going to share what it’s like to be hated by someone, Out in plain sight for all to see. This hatred and bullying, constantly with no escape. Having to share every aspect of my life with the hatred. Hatred so deep that it resulted in an attempt to end a life and the innocent perfect girl fell victim to the unnecessary pain.
My failure life, and living with internal turmoil.
Daylight again, I see it breaking in. Gaps around the curtains illuminating the room. I hope that this morning will be a functional one, suddenly gripped again by an overwhelming feeling of being inadequate, thoughts of regrettable deeds done. Has the punishments I have been given and completed enough to make up for the sins. I must punish myself more because I don’t deserve to be here. There are millions of more worthy souls in this world to be in my place. Do people even like me? I think I did that , but i can’t Remember! My every memory now in question, were they real or made up? This mental pain deteriorating the will to try, now I’m physically ill , unable to move.
The most amazing soul, one should be so lucky to even meet. A very cute, mischievous smile and eye brow raise. The most amazing humour. Intelligence that makes conversation interesting. The little nose crunch of warning when you have encroached too close to the chocolate or sweets in her hand, like a protective muma bear standing on hind legs for her little cubs. The way she communicates without hidden meanings or ulterior motives. Her genuine care and want for others wellness. The way she explains the awkwardness of situation that are comically factual. The list of how amazing this person is as long as the sun-rays.
She lays there asleep , 4 meters from me. We sleep in separate bedrooms on work nights as a compromise I made, to not disturb her sleep from my snoring and restless sleep. She deserves the whole world, to which a man of my status cannot provide. It’s fate The way her head perfectly matches the curves on my shoulder when cuddling while we watch movies, as if we were created to interlock together, A perfect match. She will be much happier without me. We laugh and enjoy each other’s company so much. I have no choice I must push her away. “If you love her let her go” we are going to get married one day. I must leave we need space, I’m leaving for the night to think. It’s been 1hr and I miss her so much I need to rid this pain. I want to be with her we can make this work. Let’s try and we can do it. You are unworthy of breathing, you selfish person . She deserves someone who will not make her cry and take precious time from her. You must end this nightmare you have created. Leave the world so everyone can move on…….. the amount of energy required to do it was so intense as it was truly what I believed to be my final decision. To me no cry for help but stepping up to the plate and being a man by admitting what’s right to do.
2weeks ago Emergency services did an amazing job, preventing my life from ceasing.
Today I sit Reflecting on how amazing life can be and the beautiful souls that walk this earth. The people that surround me and the endless support I would have received. I am no longer with this amazing girl. And at her request have no direct contact. I crave to hear her voice. See her smile. Hug her and hold her. This cannot happen. I hold hope that one day I am the man I think she deserves. A man that I deserve to be, where I can walk with pride and integrity. A man whose self-worth is of meaningful standing. Where I’m proud to say my name.